#to live and die in three parts
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William Petersen in TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. (1985), dir. William Friedkin SHORT SHORTS
#william petersen#to live and die in l.a.#to live and die in la#william friedkin#willem dafoe#john pankow#my gifs#i wish to make pretty things#william petersen in every movie#who wears short shorts?#billy wears short shorts#richard chance#not gg#to live and die in three parts#*hollygl125#neo-noir#neo noir#cinema#cinemapix#dailyflicks#film#movies#filmedit#filmgifs#moviegifs#cinematv#tvandfilm#filmtvcentral#tvfilmsource#tvfilmedit
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now that whumptober 2023 is over, i wanted to share everything (3 fics lol) i wrote with the referenced comic panel in the title! it was a personal theme i picked for myself that helped with inspiration when writing :)
DAY 5: WE'RE NOT DEAD (WE WALK). [Dick & Tim]
Grayson #5
DAY 9: THIS ISN'T PUNISHMENT (I LOVE YOU). [Bruce & Jason]
Batman (2016) #138
DAY 22: FALL FROM ON HIGH (TO FIND THE RIGHT PERSPECTIVE). [Bruce & Duke & Jason]
Batman and The Signal #3
#i lost motivation very quickly so I do have like. ten other fics that are not finished#so i will post them soom but just. not part if whumptober.#currently working on three big projects for people rn so eventually.#coming soon: steph and damian almost die fic#followed by cass and bruce almost die fic#and then tim and damian fic#you'll never guess what they almost do in this fic#hint: not living#bruce wayne#jason todd#duke thomas#tim drake#saki comic talks
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like why did they change where Vegeta was when Cell announced the cell games in the anime
why did they make this vegeta starting shit with yamcha instead of chillin in the lab with his family? why did they take Bulma out of the lab? Why'd they say she was Out while Dr Brief was repairing 16? Why did they change Bulma working on advanced robotics to running in late with her baby?
it's the same scene except: - Bulma's actively at work being a scientist - Vegeta's not being rude to her (or anyone else!) - Vegeta waits for Trunks instead of leaving the room - Cell interrupted the airwaves, which means Trunks and Vegeta were just hanging out with Bulma and Dr B while they were working
Those are all Great Character Details!! That the anime rails against!!
#these cowards afraid of showing Vegeta actively choosing to be around his wife and child even when he's Bad#Because Goku who is Good never ever even once makes that choice onscreen outside of filler#and then they justify that choice by making Chi-Chi seem horrid and unreasonable for (checks notes) Not Wanting Her Child to Die#anyway I am once again being bitter about anime vs manga klasjdklasd#I can't believe I let the anime convince me I hated Goku man Goku's SUCH a good and ridiculous character in the manga#the anime just SUCKS at letting him be who he's always been#and has to reframe and recontextualize and reword everything he does so that it seems like he's Actually Quite Mature and Thoughtful nO#THAT's VEGETA YOU COWARDS#also the fact that bulma said she wouldn't live with him at the beginning of this arc to him casually hanging out with her and trunks#after cell beat his ass and humbled him is REALLY GOOD SUBTEXT for their shared relationship having improved without showing it#it's great subtext for all three of them and toei just went 'nah' and decided to make it a whole group shot so ...? Master Roshi could sit#and explain how ??? Tournaments Work??? Just so Cell could log on and also explain how tournaments work?? God it's been so long#since I've watched the anime and now when I do it just makes me mad aklsdjskja the manga is SOOOOO much better#there are some spots where the pacing is more ideal in the anime like goku turning ssj for the first time but like man. everything else is.#like why are you making Goku snarky with Vegeta dude his clapbacks are SO much funnier when they're just Tactless Honesty#like Vegeta's not insulted by Snark bitch he grew up in the Freeza force that man was raised by THE bitchiest drag queens#Vegeta's insulted by someone saying something deeply and insultingly True to his face as if it's the fucking weather#Goku in the anime is like 'a battle of wits hoho' but Goku's purity is part of the joke he's not snippy he's just got no social etiquette#He's just honest! He's not trying to be insulting. That's what MAKES it insulting! That's the WHOLE GAG of why Vegeta can't stand him#Goku is always just telling the truth and it's always the rudest shit Vegeta's ever heard in his life#'it's a sunny day! i'm way stronger than you! see you out there bud!' 10000% Genuinely Friendly. Golden Retriever-Ass Pure.#Infuriating. Hilarious.#anyway I looked at anime clips to make sure I remembered things right and that was a mistake#as someone who has a soft spot for it and grew up on it -- compared to the manga it's bad and it's always been bad#and toriyama was right to be disinterested in watching it jesus christ they BUTCHERED his work#anyway this has been another shot of haterade with sketches thank you for scrolling my rambletags askljdask#dbtag#i just truly can't get over how they make Vegeta call her 'woman' in the anime and he literally only ever calls her Bulma in the manga#except for on namek when he refers to her as 'the/that woman' because she is a complete stranger#why is he calling her woman like he's a 1940s american husband and not an extraterrestrial from a deeply advanced society toei
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“The Hero” leitmotif playing in the background of “Live or Die”… A song that plays in Charlies cabin being called “A Previous Life”…
#genloss#generation loss#spk#im not gonna be able to get over these two things#i think about them a lot…#ive been looping live or die/a previous life/you are here#i have other favs but like. top three tbh#i love being able to listen to the ost without any filters or background noiseeeee#makes me appreciate them more (lets me hear more subtle parts in songs like ‘live or die’)
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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Replayed Modern Warfare 3 2011 on Veteran tonight and goooooooood night. Blood Brothers never gets any easier to watch no matter how many times you've done it and the ending really never misses huh
I apologize for the amount of yapping in the tags I reread it all on mobile and started giggling because it went on for so long but eh. Blessed are those who won't shut the freak up and all that
#call of duty#modern warfare 3 2011#i just. wow. wow wow wow wow wow#i've played these three games so many times over the last several years and i just.#they literally. never get old.#loose ends and blood brothers will never not make me cry and endgame and dust to dust will never not make me smile so hard#ending it with price smoking the cigar like he did in the first mission in the first game wHEN HE FIRST MET SOAP JUST UGHHHHHH.#i know y'all don't care but i don't care that y'all don't care i could literally yap about this until i shrivel up and die#i have never ever ever in my LIFE seen poetic justice played out so beautifully like it is at the very end#JUST. WOW. WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW. WOW WOW. WOW#they do not frickin make games like that anymore DADGUM#i also forgot how frickin sad down the rabbit hole is?? like jeez louise they didn't have much screen time but gosh#i also have never in my life heard such gut-wrenching anguish from a grown man in my life like price in that one scene#I KNOW Y'ALL KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT THAT MAN MAKES ME FULL ON S O B IN THAT PART HE HAD NO BUSINESS#anyway i'll keep cutely living in denial and pretending literally any of the main characters besides price and nikolai are fine <3#foley and dunn and their team seemed just fine at the end of modern warfare 2 so i will accept that small mercy#at this point these games have taken everything else i love away from me so#y'all probably think i'm wild for how insane i get over these games but the nostalgia bit is a big part of it as well#like they're honestly in my opinion genuinely the greatest video games of all time#but the fact that i have that connection with my dad makes it so special#crazy cause he said he also cried in blood brothers and my dad is 54 and i have seen him cry one (1) other time in my entire life#heck infinity ward but also bless them i hope the devs live long beautiful wonderful prosperous delightful exciting fulfilling lives#Lord bless them and their entire bloodline for the contributions they have made to humanity not even joking#AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE FREAKING SOUNDTRACKS DO NOT GO THERE OAUSYDJAKAKDN#MW2 AND MW3 CREDITS. EXTRACTION POINT. COUP DE GRACE. RETREAT AND REVEILLE. CONTINGENCY. PARIS SIEGE. PRAGUE HOSTILITIES. RUSSIAN WARFARE.#UGHHHHHHHGHHHH everything about these games is so unbelievably perfect and immaculate#i have got to get over my art block NOWWWWWWWWWW#makarov is also the best villain i've ever seen idc bro he's frickin awesome#i mean obviously he's horrible and a disgustingly evil human being but as a character he's stupidly well-written
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NAMI NEEDS TO GO UP THERE AND FIGHT BIG MOM I AM SO SERIOUS!!! THIS IS A BATTLE FOR THE ROMANCE DOWN TRIO!! SANJI DO NOT DARE TAKE HER SPOT!!!
#big mom just giving birth here on the battlefield.....#do i comment on the incestuous relationship between clouds made of the same soul??? no?? okay...#oh jesus.... goodbye kid and killer.... nami needs to get up there and take control of zeus and i am so serious#HER SKILL IS SO POWERFUL AND SO PERFECT FOR THIS FIGHT AGAINST BIG MOM BUT BECAUSE SHE IS NOT PART OF THE STRONG TRIO SHE GETS STUCK WITH#THE B LIST VILLAINS!!!! LKKE WHY DOES SHE NEED TO FIGHT ULTI?? OKAY THAT WAS MEANINGFUL BUT THAT COULD END THERE!!!!#SANJI GO FIGHT PAGE ONE!!! SOMEONE TAKE CARE OF ULTI AND LET LUFFY ZORO AND NAMI TAKE CARE OF KAIDO AND BIG MOM!!! I AM SERIOUS!!!#big mom is inside the castle.... maybe i will get my wish granted (kinda...)#kid and nami against big mom.... maybe sanji can join... i can see it so clearly.... come on now.....#if namo knew armor haki she would have gone up there and taken zeus and dealt with prometheus and his sister wife. let the others w/ big mom#fucking hawkins... end him killer.... calling him domesticated lmao... end his pathetic ass#using conqueror's haki on the weapons..... also zoro having it too.... the flower petals symbolism..... OHHHHHHHHH#nani indeed...... BREAK THAT MACE!!!! YEAAHHH!!!! law is completely baffled#KAIDO GOT SENT BACK!!!! LETSGOOOOO AND THE OG INTRO MUSIC QUICKS IN!!!! law just saw god again....#he said fuck off i got this.... omg.... he is either gonna nearly die and doesn't want them to follow or doesn't want to worry about them#while he fights and they try to defend him.... no other explaination (apart for 4 the plot reasons)#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 1028#luffy king of everything that was such a slay#they changed luffy chiquito's design....#i was gonna say luffy swimming...... but he can't yet akdhajsj#yasopp taking care of everyones children but his own...... i see how it is....#WHY WOULD SHANKS STAY IN GOA IF NOT TO TALK WITH GARP WHO LIVES THERE!!! I AM TELLING YOU SHANKS IS IN KAHOOTS WITH THE MARINES!!!!#i was thinking about shanks scar... and thought it might be from buggy with his three knives in between his fingers you know#but it is too small... like the knives would take more space.... but maybei might be reaching and it is from buggy and not like a little paw#or little hand.... however much distrubing you want to paint it....#shanks is testing little luffy's intelligence... he knows his weak spot already akdhjasj#uta calling herself a diva.... ajshaksn might this be the reason luffy was so inclined to having a musician since the start???#episode 1029#that was like a perfectly realistic relationship between an older smartass girl and a younger boy lmao it was spot on
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guys omg bard is leaked to be a new playable 5* for v5.0 😳😳??!?!?!???
bonus doodle sheet of bards i drew instead of sleeping
#tulip draws#nameless bard#himmel#he just wont get out of my brain#one bard leaves for a second to make way for yet another one#why wont they leave me aloooooone#anyway. what does the council think of nb meeting venti when he was Baby and Squishy#everything is the same except they meet when he was young and therefore they have more time tgt#ofc except the dying part#they live happily ever after#now what if archon bard since he didnt die.....#maybe I'LL die instead#anyway.#mond kids are raised on three things: music wine and REVOLUTION#we ignore that shitty kitty bard at the corner hes my first doodle to get things going#aka me realizing it is Not the time for pose studying so we do sillies#ok i gtg sleep fr its 638 am
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i think one of the biggest detractors from trying to do any sort of professional creative work is that logically speaking I'd at some point I'd probably have to get a HRHG I'd have to get a 🤢🤢🤢🤢 I'd have to get a TWIT- no I can't even say it
#second worst part is that if i REALLY wanted a creative career in the USA that is made decently more attainable by living in LA or NYC and#I'd rather die thanks <3#i simply cannae stand big cities#im not knocking them for other people but for me if i spent more than like#three days in a large city i simply go bonkers#i become a poorly treated chihuahua of a person
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Personally of the belief that live action fans who go onto animanga posts uninvited like 'I DESPERATELY NEED YOU TO KNOW THAT I THINK THE ART STYLE IS UGLY EVEN THO THIS OPINION IS IRRELEVANT TO THE POST' should be hit with a big rock. We already moved past this ten years ago, get with it or get lost. Swallow the hunger inside of you that demands everything be palatable to you. Maybe you could stand to be a little uncomfortable for a while
#Keep ur trashy comments to yourself#It's not even ugly! It's just not the conventional anime style so you deem it ugly. That's so fucking sad of you#You're the type of person who sees a piece of art and is like OMG WERE THEY ON DRUGS?!?!?!?!?!#Idk I think the art style is very fitting for the gigantic world Oda has built#People are allowed to be ''ugly'' because not all of us were born to be models. Shock and horror I know#(this is NOT aimed at the ppl who critque the way Oda draws women (to a degree...) bc I agree he could've done the same for women as he doe#The men by giving them way more diverse features and body shapes)#No this is aimed at the ppl who think the style as a whole is ugly and demean it bc it doesn't suit their tastes#Meanwhile their taste is the most conventional cookie cutter bland pretty boy/girl bullshit out there#(I say to a degree up there bc I think ppl go way too far with the criticisms like the one person who posted the Charlotte family identical#Sisters and went LOOK HOW SIMILAR THESE WOMEN ARE ODA SUCKS when they were MEANT to look similar)#^ yes that is an actual post I saw in like 2018 or 2019 when WCI was reaching its end in the anime and it made me die laughing#There are dozens of other examples you could've given but no. You intentionally chose the triplets (quintuplets? It's been a hot minute)#Rebecca and Nami and Vivi and Shirahoshi all having the exact same face with different hair? No I will use the identical twins as proof#What a unique way to undermine your own argument bc I was with you up until that#Anyway yeah the more I think abt the more I think the live action sucks actually for getting rid of Sanji's eyebrows bc they'd 'look bad'#Who cares? It's part of his design. You are cutting off parts of his character. Same w/ Usopp's nose.#Who fucking cares if it would have looked 'bad' or 'ugly'? Is that all you guys really care about? Keeping up appearances???#I'm so sick of the shit I like getting 'remade' to appeal to people who will never actually appreciate why stuff looks the way it does#It's so shallow I hate it#<- yes I'm still bitter about what they did to my boy WW in the three guns reboot iykyk#And Livio and Razlo for that matter. What the FUCK was that about#Idk maybe it's cuz it's something I recognized in myself and attempted to squash so it's frustrating seeing other ppl do it#And again obvs Oda isn't perfect w/ this either as he draws evil women as fat old hags and his protags as skinny and beautiful#Or how he thinks not following ur dreams will make u ugly and fat and following ur dreams will make u conventionally attractive#I get it. Storytelling method. But u can do better. Use colorschemes instead of physical attributes or something like Veneer does
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William Petersen in TO LIVE AND DIE IN L.A. (1985), dir. William Friedkin
#william petersen#to live and die in l.a.#to live and die in la#william friedkin#neo-noir#neo noir#cinema#film#movies#filmedit#filmgifs#moviegifs#my gifs#*hollygl125#i wish to make pretty things#william petersen in every movie#richard chance#not gg#to live and die in three parts
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Thinks oh so hard abt the spiraling upwards clan founders, especially the birchclan founders. Silly lil kitties who's pasts are drenched in blood with the primary regret of not drawing it sooner
#rat rambles#oc posting#warriors posting#spiraling upwards#long story short they had a shitty awful terrible leader who sucked absolutely ass and they tore him to shreds#I mean that literally they pinned him onto the mountain side and slashed and mauled the shit out of him so hard that his lives evaporated#and several of the cats involved in that scene are sill alive and major parts of the story and I love them#oh also the cat that pinned him through a stab through the throat was his own daughter btw everyone hated his ass so much#and for good reason get his ass#alas in the main story I dont rly get to go too deep into how he harmed everyone involved mostly just three main ones#aka bristlestar because shes murtlepaw's ghost mom dawncrackle because hes also haunting murtle and gullspot because shes bristle's kit#so basically all the flashbacks we get involve those three in some form or another#honeystar was also there and involved but Im not currently planning on having her rly talk abt that#most of her more modern angst is the fact that she was forced into leadership against her will#and shes been alive long enough that shes been leading birchclan far longer than she ever lived in her old clan#but she did go through a lot of shit before birchclan was founded and it definitely shaped her a lot#she used to be a very determined and high spirited lil kitty cat who tried to be optimistic#but her family began to slowly be picked off one by one by both the old leader and the one whod later get evicerated#some of the older cats around her hoped it make her back down from her revelutionary ideas but she noticed that and it backfired on them#instead of being worn down to submission she became absolutely Furious and began to lash out more and become more demanding#it got to the point that she really only had two friends in the entire clan and one of them was her aunt whod later also die after coming#out abt having witnessed the leader killing his own kits#that was the final fucking straw for her and she was fully on board when bristle and dawn started looking for cats to join their rebellion#she did get rly frustrated with them as they waited patiently for the right moment but her remaining bestie kept her from going apeshit#so once the big fight finally broke out she was more than eager to join the hoard of cats chasing the bastard upwards#now unlike some of the other cats involved this legitimately actually made her feel a lot better for a while#for the first time in ages she finally felt like she could be optimistic abt smth again and was excited abt the idea of leaving this place#she had lost so much in this damn place since she was an apprentice and just wanted to finally be able to rest easy#but once they got to their new territory and set up camp things went south real fast as a flood fucked everything up#and after losing the only cat she had left in her life and losing her tail and being made deputy on top of that she deteriorated quickly
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when i was hyperfiixated on tlou, i thought it was an admirable pleat to explore the stories and themes of like a hero in one persons story is a villain in another, perspective and humaity yada yada. but when i realized that this was based on neil druckmanns zionism and hate for Palestinians, its an evil story. bc 'there is no good or bad just perspective' is a VERY VERY nuanced statement. like yk genocide and like rape and murder is bad...lets not be stupid...
but its very obvious looking back as abby as an ex-iof soldier, the wlf being the iof...the seraphites being the Palestinians that 'cant share land and breaking treaties' (so dumb), the prisoners of war being tortured, the things abby said about like stupid kids needing to die like omg...and this being based off of what he seen growing up in occupied Palestine (the west bank i think). i think it was especially when he talked about an iof soldier being hung after an iof sodier was reported for murdering kids and how do the seraphite people kill the wif soldiers in the game......by hanging them. just a sick sick man and fuck everyone who has or is working for him that doesnt speak up about Palestine idgaf about no contract.
#literally fuck tlou#i dont blame people who still love the characters and write about them bc i loved the chartecters too but if ur ignoring all#of this over pixel pussy u need to stand tf up..#the announcements for the remaster and part three and season two are very calculated..#i think especially with the announcement of the new cast for the live action like he hired all zionists whos suprised.#i think the crazy thing is in award season these actors and writers and showmakers could have condemmed this in their#speeches...on a stage...in front of the whole country...but no little fucking pin on the jacket and instagram story post not condemning#israel for existing in the first place. that occupation shouldnt exist pls die.#also fuck natalie portman u r sick hoe
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it’s interesting to me that ichigo canonically has so much reitsu that he can increase abilities of the people around him, if he spends enough time with them, which is why chad & orihime have powers (or at least, the ASSUMED reason since chad’s really a fullbring) but both of their abilities have to do with like, having more soul than everyone around them, basically, which is a power ichigo himself was born with
like chad says that he feels the power of his abuelo dwelling in his right arm & that his own power is in his left, while orihime’s power is having six different spirits that are supposed to represent her soul. canon describes it as being like a shiginami’s sword, which makes sense, because they all, like, are housed in her hairclip, there’s still more variation just one weapon one power (an oversimplification, i know)
there’s no real point to this post, i just think it’s fun that out of everyone ichigo could have met, he gravitated towards the kids with powers closer to his
#like we see the other fullbrings & chad is the only one who describes theirs as being part of someone elses soul#its just the guy whos best friends with ichigo. who was infected with a hollow soul#also interestingly enough all three of them either had to leave a parent or watch a parent die at a young age#orihime was taken by her brother at age 3 bc their parents were so abusive & then he died#while chad had his parents die at 8 & then grew up w his abuelo who also passed#& now theyre both living as emancipated minors#or they were when they were introduced. i guess theyre adults now#anyway what a wild and wicked fun coincidence that the characters with the most souls#also have a wicked amount of childhood trauma#wonder what thats about#aster speaks#bleach
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did you know that local funeral homes were forcibly shut down after the storm. did you know we weren’t even allowed to handle our own dead. they thought we were incompetent. these funeral homes, these people, mostly family-owned, been running for decades, and oh, right, let’s not forget, a whole damn bunch of them owned by Black people, were kept from handling our dead. and they have not forgotten the indignity of that.
#my mom’s friend in the industry now. the one who inspired me to go into my program? she talks about it.#it’s fucking appalling is what it is.#like. the racism and the classism and the just. the fucking way new orleans was treated after the storm. u have no idea.#but i’ve spent my whole life listening to every adult i know talk about how they were fucked over by it#vent#another fun. ‘fun’ fact. this city used to have a larger Black population. three guesses as to when that dipped. and the first two don’t cou#there is no way around the fact that new orleans being known as a Black city was part of why they left us to die after the storm.#poverty oblivious dovetails into that but the racism of it cannot be understated.#maybe the only good thing kanye west ever did in his life was call the president out on live tv for wanting us all to go away and die.
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#tag talk#vent#I don't wanna do the whole “I'm so good at psychology cause I've fixed myself. I should go into counseling” thing that overly empathetic#empathetic people do. but like. nothing like deconstructing a tense social conflict to make you feel good#the smol autistic minecraft enby who adopted me had a moment and I helped break down the situation and resolve shit with them. it was cool#but also I immediately went out to the living room and napped for three hours. thinning that hard was exhausting.#do you ever do the depression nap thing? when I'm doing well I never sleep during the day. but when I'm sad I take naps a lot#because I don't want to be awake and I sleep poorly at I night and am just generally lethargic so I nap on the floor or couch a lot#ugh knowing the stress will go away doesn't help the fact that it's super awful right now.#it's times like this that I wish I'd really committed to it in Feb. like. in two weeks I'll be better and joy de vivre and all that.#but right now? ugh. big fuckin ugh#the minecraft emotional labor thing is just a natural responsibility of being a 25 year old playing online video games with 15 year olds.#if I see a situation blowing up I can't hear sit by and watch someone destroy their friendships on the server. I have to help#but also bro I am struggling to help myself. maybe I say I'm packing up my pc early so that I have a good excuse to stay off the server#I literally did the thing again where I make new friends. make everyone love me. and then get burnt out at the speed of light and disappear#making friends is so easy. leaving friends is so easy. nothing is forever and we all die someday. blah blah blah you know it already#meaningless meaningless. all is meaningless. maybe king Solomon was just fuckin depressed when he wrote that. sure sounds like it to me.#I just can't do anything when I'm like this. we're subsistence living now bois.#I wonder if part of my neurological damage is from the lead I used to eat in high school.#the windex shots can't have been good for me. but I don't think that stays in your body the same way#though it did fuck up my urinary tract for a few months. that was wild.#anyway. I wonder how much of my chronic periodic funk is just effects from bad choices and how much is normal natural inevitable.#everything is an ocean. nothing is a lake. the waves are always thirty feet high and the troughs scrape you on the bottom of the reef#nothing is midline except when you're rushing through to one extreme or another.#you're either overstimulated or absent from your body entirely#both of which cause wild and oft unbearable dissociation.#everything gets better and everything gets worse. I'm only like this when I'm stressed. but that's my secret cap (avengers reference)#anyway. I'll survive. I'll make it. I'll live because I need to become even more gay to make my family mad.#I need to keep living so my dad realizes just how much he's lost touch.#so my mom cries about how she should have done something differently so I wouldn't grow up gay. because that makes so much sense right?
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