#to keep myself awake until a normal person time to go to bed

[slav-every-day]

[jakeypaws]

mine to keep 🔒

yandere bf niki x fem!reader

content: yandere behavior, stalking, obsession, kidnapping, manipulation, smut later on

chapter 1

i met niki through a dating app, and swiping right on him was the biggest mistake i’d ever made. at the time, it felt harmless—a quick match with a guy who was just a year older than me at 19, which i didn’t mind. his profile had been charming, his messages even more so, and when we met in person, his confidence and charisma swept me off my feet. i didn’t realize then that behind his captivating smile was a possessiveness i wasn’t prepared for—a side of him that would slowly, but surely, consume me.

when i told my friends—momo, tzuyu, and jay—that i finally had my first boyfriend, they were ecstatic for me. momo practically squealed, tzuyu smiled softly and called it “about time,” and jay gave me a playful nudge, saying, “he better treat you right, or he’ll have to deal with me.” since niki was my first boyfriend, i had no idea what to expect. the butterflies, the nervousness, the constant overthinking—it was all new to me, and my friends were my lifeline through it all. they offered advice, shared their own experiences, and told me to take things slow. “just be yourself,” momo had said. “if he’s the right guy, everything will fall into place.” at the time, i believed her.

niki invited me over to his house for a movie date, and i happily agreed. we ended up watching a horror movie, and every time a jumpscare popped up, i found myself gripping his hand tightly. he chuckled softly at my reactions, and i couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed. but then i noticed something—niki wasn’t watching the movie at all. he was watching me. i turned to him, catching his gaze, and asked if something was wrong. “nothing,” he said with a small smile. “you just look so pretty.” his words made my cheeks burn, and i quickly turned back to the screen, trying to focus on the movie. before i could settle, niki gently turned my face back toward him, his hand soft on my cheek, and leaned in for a kiss. my mind raced, unsure of what to do, until i remembered what my friends had told me: just be yourself. with that in mind, i closed my eyes and accepted his kiss, letting myself get lost in the moment.

as the night went on, i realized it was getting late and told niki i should probably head home. he looked at me, his expression soft yet persuasive, and offered for me to stay the night instead. “it’s late,” he said, brushing a strand of hair behind my ear. “you’ll be safer here.” i hesitated, unsure if it was too soon for something like this, but then i reminded myself that this was probably normal when you start dating. after a moment of debating with myself, i nodded and agreed. “okay,” i said quietly, trying to ignore the nerves fluttering in my chest. niki smiled, leaning in to kiss my forehead, and led me to his room, where i couldn’t help but feel a mix of excitement and uncertainty about what was to come.

that night, niki and i cuddled in his bed, his arms wrapped securely around me as we drifted off to sleep. the next morning, i woke up to find him still sound asleep, his peaceful expression making my heart flutter. i gently shook him awake, whispering that i needed to go, but instead of letting me go, he pulled me closer, his voice groggy as he mumbled, “no, don’t go yet.” he pressed soft, sleepy kisses across my face, his warmth making it impossible not to smile. i giggled at his reaction, feeling my cheeks heat up as i relaxed into his embrace, savoring the moment a little longer.

a few minutes later, niki finally got up and offered to drive me back to my house. i didn’t think much of it at the time and agreed, not realizing this was another mistake—now he knew where i lived. when we arrived, i said goodbye and thanked him for the ride, waving as he drove off. the moment i stepped inside, i pulled out my phone and texted my friends’ group chat, giving them a full update about what had happened. momo sent a string of heart emojis, tzuyu told me she wanted every single detail, and jay jokingly asked if niki had passed “the big brother test” yet. i couldn’t help but laugh at their responses, feeling like everything was falling into place perfectly.

chapter 2

i had finally decided it was time to introduce niki to my friends. after all, things were getting more serious between us, and i knew my friends would want to meet him. we all planned to hang out at the mall, and niki was eager to join. when we met up, momo and tzuyu immediately started making ‘oooh’ sounds, teasing us about our relationship. niki just chuckled, his arm wrapped around my shoulders as if it was the most natural thing in the world. i couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed, but i was happy to see them getting along so well. jay, on the other hand, wasn’t as open with his emotions. he smiled and gave niki a friendly nod, but i could tell there was something in his eyes—a hint of jealousy, maybe? it wasn’t surprising, considering jay had been my childhood friend, and i knew he’d always looked out for me. still, i appreciated that he wasn’t letting his feelings get in the way of our fun. throughout the day, niki spoiled me by paying for all my things, something that made me both grateful and slightly uncomfortable. i didn’t want to feel indebted to him, but the way he smiled at me made it hard to refuse.

it had been a month since niki and i started dating, and while things were still good, i began noticing some subtle changes. he had become more protective of me, constantly telling me that i didn’t need my friends and that i deserved better. at first, i thought it was sweet, a sign that he cared about me, but then it started to feel a little... off. i didn’t think too much of it, chalking it up to the fact that he was my first boyfriend, and i didn’t know much about relationships. what really started to unsettle me was how he became more possessive, constantly checking in on me and questioning where i was or who i was with. i brushed it off, thinking maybe it was just his way of showing affection. what i didn’t know, though, was that he had already crossed a line. while i was asleep at night, niki had snuck into my house and inserted a chip into my phone, silently spying on me without me realizing. i didn’t suspect a thing, and i thought his possessiveness was just a normal part of being in a relationship. but in the back of my mind, something felt like it was slowly shifting.

as the days passed, i began to feel a growing unease about niki’s behavior. i couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right, but i didn’t know how to confront him about it. so, i turned to my friends’ group chat, sharing my concerns and asking for their thoughts. momo, tzuyu, and jay all told me that it sounded like niki was becoming a little too overbearing, warning me to be careful. but i brushed off their advice, convincing myself that they didn’t understand. after all, niki was just being protective, right? he was my first boyfriend, and maybe i was just overthinking things. eventually, i stopped paying attention to their messages, silently pushing their concerns aside as i convinced myself that everything would be fine. niki’s love was just... intense. and i figured it was just part of being in a relationship.

niki’s words began to linger in my mind more and more. he started saying that i should move in with him, so we could be together all the time. at first, i hesitated, unsure if it was too soon for such a big step in our relationship. i didn’t know if it was the right decision, but the thought of always being close to him, never having to leave his side, started to feel comforting. niki promised it would be the best thing for us, that it would only bring us closer. my friends, however, didn’t feel the same. they warned me that moving in so soon was a huge leap and that i was rushing things. but i pushed their concerns aside, convincing myself that it would be fine. after all, niki was just looking out for me. so, i packed up my things, moving into his place. as i settled into our new life together, a strange feeling nagged at the back of my mind, but i ignored it, telling myself it was just the excitement of being in love.

another month passed, and niki’s possessiveness grew stronger with each passing day. he started insisting that i couldn’t see my friends anymore, claiming that they were a bad influence on me. if i wanted to go out, he wouldn’t let me leave without him by my side, always making sure he was there, watching my every move. at first, i thought it was just him being protective, but the constant surveillance and control began to wear on me. i started to feel trapped, suffocated by his need to always be around. regret started to creep in as i remembered my friends’ warnings, and i couldn’t help but wish i had listened to them. but now, i was too deep in the relationship, too tangled in his web of control. i wanted to talk to someone, but i was scared—scared of what niki might do if i did.

chapter 3

one evening, after yet another argument with niki about his possessiveness, i finally snapped. i told him he was being way too controlling, that i couldn’t breathe anymore with him always watching my every move. i tried to explain that i needed space, that i needed my own life outside of him. but as always, niki’s expression darkened, and he just stared at me, silent for a moment before walking out the door with a simple, “i’ll be back soon. i’m getting food for us.” as soon as he left, i quickly grabbed my phone, feeling a wave of desperation wash over me. i needed help, and fast. i texted my friends’ group chat, explaining everything that had been happening and asking them to help me get out of this situation. i even sent them niki’s address, hoping they could come and get me. no sooner had i sent the message, i heard niki’s car pull out of the driveway. i breathed a small sigh of relief, thinking i had some time. little did i know, niki wasn’t really getting food—he used the chip he put in my phone to track my every move. he saw my friends' car pull into the driveway, and without hesitation, he followed them in his own car, a sickening feeling of dread building in my stomach.

as jay drove, my friends quickly noticed a car following closely behind us. they exchanged nervous glances, and jay’s grip tightened on the wheel. he pulled into his driveway, trying to shake niki off, but it was too late. niki parked his car and got out, storming toward us with a look of fury. without a word, jay jumped out of the car, ready to confront him. the two of them squared off, words turning into shoves, and it escalated into a full-on fight. i watched helplessly from the car, heart racing as the sounds of punches and grunts filled the air. the fight was intense, neither of them giving an inch, but in the end, it ended in a standstill. both of them were exhausted, bruised, but neither had emerged victorious. with a final glare, niki retreated to his car and sped off, leaving us in the quiet aftermath. i rushed out of the car and ran to jay, who was standing there, catching his breath. “are you okay?” i asked, my voice trembling. jay gave me a small, reassuring smile, though i could see the tension in his eyes. “i’m fine,” he replied, but i could tell he was more worried about me than about himself.

once we were inside jay’s house, the tension didn’t ease. momo and tzuyu immediately started helping jay with the cuts and bruises, but the weight of what had just happened hung heavily in the air. they exchanged a glance before turning to me, their faces serious. “y/n, it’s time,” momo said softly, her voice filled with concern. “you need to break up with him. he’s not good for you. this isn’t healthy.” tzuyu nodded in agreement, her usual calm demeanor replaced with an intensity i hadn’t seen before. a sense of dread pooled in my stomach. i didn’t want to lose niki, but i knew deep down that this wasn’t the person i had fallen for. i swallowed hard, my heart aching as i pulled out my phone. i couldn’t ignore it any longer. taking a deep breath, i typed the words that felt like they would shatter me: “niki, we’re over.” my fingers shook as i hit send, but as soon as the message was gone, a wave of sadness and relief washed over me. i couldn’t help but wonder if i had just made the biggest mistake of my life.

a few weeks passed, and niki never responded to my breakup message. while i still felt a mix of relief and guilt, i found myself growing closer to jay. we spent more time together, doing everything from late-night talks to spontaneous trips. jay was there for me in ways i hadn’t even realized i needed, and i couldn’t help but appreciate the comfort he brought. momo and tzuyu noticed the change and were happy for us. “you two were always meant to be,” tzuyu said, and momo teased, “finally, after all these years.” their support made me feel at ease, but deep down, i couldn’t shake the feeling that niki’s silence wasn’t the end of it.

little did i know, niki had been planning something far more sinister while he was away. he wasn’t done with me yet. niki was working behind the scenes, finding ways to drive all my friends away, one by one. after all, he still had the chip in my phone that no one knew about, tracking my every move, watching my conversations, and using it to manipulate the situation. it was like he was always lurking in the background, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

chapter 4

after a month of planning and scheming, niki finally set his traps in motion. his first target was momo, who had unwittingly walked into his trap when she returned to her house. niki had been hiding in the shadows, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.

with momo distracted by her daily routine, niki snuck up behind her and knocked her out cold. he then dragged her back to the living room and tied her securely to a chair. a sadistic grin spread across his face as he began to explain why y/n was his. "you see, momo," niki sneered, "y/n was always meant to be mine. and you took that away from me." the air was thick with tension as niki began to torture momo, leaving her writhing in agony. as the sun set over the city, niki finally left momo to die in her own home.

i had been staying at jay’s house for safety, trying to keep my mind off the lingering fear of niki. but the fragile sense of security shattered when the news blared through the tv, announcing the discovery of a body found in a nearby home. my heart stopped as the screen showed momo’s house. the anchor confirmed what i dreaded—it was her. i froze, my chest tightening as tears welled up in my eyes. jay and i exchanged panicked glances before he reached for his phone. "we need to call tzuyu," i whispered, my voice shaky. jay nodded, quickly dialing her number as i sat in silence, my mind racing with fear and disbelief.

tzuyu picked up the call almost immediately, her voice calm but firm as she reassured us, “don’t worry, i have pepper spray and other things to protect myself. i’ll be fine.” her words brought a small sense of relief, but it wasn’t enough to erase the growing dread in my chest. jay and i exchanged uneasy looks, both of us thinking the same thing—if niki was behind this, who would he target next? the thought of losing someone else made my stomach churn, and i clenched my fists, silently wishing this nightmare would end.

a couple of days passed, and tzuyu decided to take a stroll in the woods near her house, hoping the fresh air would help clear her mind from the tragedy of momo. she hummed softly to herself, trying to shake off the unease that lingered. little did she know, niki was right behind her, moving like a shadow. before she could react, he shoved her to the ground, catching her completely off guard. panicked, tzuyu fumbled for her pepper spray and quickly aimed it at him, spraying without hesitation. to her horror, it had no effect—niki was prepared, wearing protective glasses and a ski mask. her mind raced in confusion and fear. how could he have known? what tzuyu didn’t realize was that niki had overheard everything through the chip in my phone, listening in on every word of our conversation.

niki ended tzuyu’s life right then and there, with no hesitation, ensuring there was no escape for her. he left her lifeless body in the woods, arranging it in a way that would ensure it would be found by the authorities. a few days later, the news broke: another body had been discovered. this time, it was tzuyu. the room fell silent as jay and i watched the broadcast in shock. jay turned to me, his expression serious yet soft, and said, “everything will be alright. i’ll protect you, no matter what.” despite his reassurance, a cold fear gripped my heart, knowing niki wasn’t going to stop.

the next day, jay told me he needed to step out and grab some food for me. he reassured me that all the doors and windows were locked, double-checking them before leaving. i gave him a small, nervous smile as he left, trying not to let the fear of being alone consume me. after some time, i decided to take a nap, hoping it would calm my racing thoughts.

unbeknownst to me, niki had been watching, waiting for the perfect moment. he skillfully unlocked the back door with a pick, quietly stepping inside. his dark figure loomed over my sleeping body, a twisted smile forming on his lips. leaning down, he whispered softly, "don't worry, everything will be fine soon." i stirred slightly but didn’t wake—until he pressed a cloth over my mouth. my eyes flew open, locking onto niki’s cold, calculating gaze. i tried to move, to fight back, but the chemicals took hold. my vision blurred, and the world faded to black as i fell unconscious.

niki tied me up and placed me in the backseat of my car before heading back into jay’s house to wait. when jay returned, groceries in hand, he froze at the sight of niki casually sitting on his couch. “what did you do to her?!” jay shouted, dropping the bags in a panic. niki smirked, standing up slowly. “i’m only taking back what’s mine,” he said coldly, pulling out a pocket knife. before jay could react, niki lunged forward and stabbed him. jay gasped as his body crumpled to the floor, blood pooling beneath him, while niki looked on, completely unfazed.

chapter 5 (smut)

i woke up in a daze, my head pounding as i tried to regain my composure. blinking a few times, i looked around and quickly recognized the room i was in—niki’s bedroom. but it wasn’t how i remembered it. the walls were plastered with pictures of my friends, each one crossed out with bold red x’s, and beside them were papers filled with detailed plans of what niki had done to them. my stomach twisted in horror as my eyes shifted to another section of the wall. there, amidst the chaos, were pictures of me—hundreds of them, all jumbled together with a massive heart drawn around them in bright red ink.

i tried to move and was relieved to realize i wasn’t tied down or restrained in any way. my legs were shaky, but i pushed myself to stand, summoning every bit of strength i had. slowly, i staggered toward the bedroom door, my only chance at escape. as i opened it, my heart dropped—niki was standing right there, his 6'1" frame towering over me. my breath hitched as he took a step forward, forcing me to retreat back into the room. his eyes burned with an unsettling intensity as he gestured toward the pictures plastered on the walls. "do you see how much i love you?" he began, his voice low but filled with venom. "i hate seeing what's mine being taken away. i had to do this. you should’ve listened to me before. you should’ve stayed with me. none of this would’ve happened if you just listened." each word dripped with possessiveness, his twisted devotion sending shivers down my spine.

niki backed me up until i stumbled and fell onto the bed again, his movements swift and deliberate. before i could gather myself, he was on top of me, pinning both of my hands above my head with just one arm. i gasped, my body trembling as my heart raced in my chest. "i-i’m sorry, niki... please! don't hurt me!" i begged, the tears streaming down my face, mixing with the panic that gripped my every thought. his expression was cold, but his voice remained eerily calm as he leaned closer, his breath warm against my ear. "no," he said, his words almost a whisper, "you should’ve listened to me. you wouldn’t be in this position otherwise." his grip tightened, and the fear bubbled up inside me as i realized how much control he had over me.

niki's grip on my wrists tightened, his voice low and almost possessive as he spoke. "i have to punish you. i have to," he muttered, his words barely a whisper against my skin. "i told you those friends won’t protect you the way i do. i have to do this so that you listen to me." my heart raced, and i could barely think straight through the overwhelming fear. "no—niki, please, don’t!" i begged, my voice breaking as i tried to pull away, my chest tight with terror. before i could say anything else, niki cut me off, his mouth suddenly on my neck, biting down hard enough to draw blood. a sharp cry escaped me, and i whimpered in pain as the searing sensation hit, my body tensing in shock. the sharp sting of his teeth left me trembling, unable to escape his grip.

as niki continued to mark me, i couldn't help but whimper in submission, his groans of satisfaction only fueling my desire for him. he then started to undress me, leaving me fully exposed and vulnerable before him. despite the danger and uncertainty of our situation, i couldn't help but feel a twisted sense of pleasure at being completely under his control. he undressed himself as well, revealing the hard lines of his body beneath his clothes. the air was thick with tension as he gazed down at me, his eyes burning with a fierce intensity that left me breathless and wanting more.

niki then dipped his finger in me, expertly working their way inside me, his thumb circling my entrance as he slowly pumped in and out. i felt a mix of pleasure and discomfort as he began to stretch me, preparing me for the size that was to come. his eyes never left mine, burning with a smoldering intensity that made my skin prickle with anticipation. "you're so tight," he whispered, his voice low and husky, sending shivers down my spine. he continued to work his magic, gradually increasing the pressure until i was gasping for air, my body trembling with need.

niki let go of my arms, hovering over me, his warm breath touching my ear, “i’ll teach you to listen to me.” his eyes locked onto mine, his gaze burning with a fierce dominance as he aligned his massive cock to my trembling entrance. i felt a wave of uncertainty wash over me as i wondered if it would even fit, but niki was undeterred. he slowly began to push forward, the head of his dick breaching my opening and sending sparks of pain through my body. i winced at the initial discomfort, but niki didn't stop, instead continuing to thrust in and out in slow, deliberate strokes. with each passing moment, the pain gave way to a growing sense of fullness and pressure as he stretched me further than i ever thought possible.

he then gripped my hips as he pounded into me with reckless abandon, his thrusts growing more brutal and unforgiving. i begged him to slow down, but niki just laughed, his voice cold and detached. "this is what you get for not listening to me," he repeated, his words dripping with malice. i clung to his back for support, my fingers digging deep into the flesh as i tried to anchor myself against the onslaught of sensations coursing through my body. tears streamed down my face as niki leaned in close, his lips brushing against mine in a cruel kiss. his eyes gleamed with a dark intensity as he whispered the question that sent shivers down my spine: "do you understand what happens if you don't listen to me?"

as i felt myself approaching climax, i whispered to niki that i was close, but he sternly instructed me not to come unless he gave permission. this command only served to heighten my emotional distress, and i broke down into tears as i begged niki to let me release the pent-up tension in my body. however, niki remained unmoved by my pleas, his expression unyielding as he continued to thrust into me with deliberate precision. it wasn't until he spoke again that any sense of hope arose—"listen to me," he growled, "listen to me and maybe...just maybe...i'll reward you."

after what felt like an eternity, niki's relentless pace showed no signs of slowing. i was a quivering mess, my body screaming for release as i struggled to hold back the inevitable. but it seemed that fate had other plans, and with one final thrust, niki's words pierced through the chaos: "you can come." a wave of relief washed over me as i let go of all control and allowed myself to surrender to the orgasm. it was only moments later that niki joined me in his own climax, his groan echoing through the air as he pumped into me with renewed ferocity. and just when i thought it was all over, niki's voice cut through the haze once more: "i'm not done yet.”

i gazed up at niki through tear-stained eyes, my body still reeling from the intensity of our first round. i was spent, exhausted, and overwhelmed by the relentless pace he'd set. but niki seemed to have other plans, his hands moving with a newfound ferocity as he flipped me onto my stomach and positioned himself behind me. my ass hung in the air, exposed and vulnerable as he grasped my hips and plunged into me once more. i moaned softly, my body protesting the sudden invasion even as it responded to his touch. i arched my back in an attempt to escape the overstimulation, but it only seemed to fuel niki's desire for more.

i clung to the bed sheets, my fingers digging deep into the fabric as niki continued to drive himself into me with ruthless precision. his words cut through the haze of pleasure and pain, a cruel reminder of why i was in this position in the first place: "see? if you listen to me, you wouldn't have to be punished." the words were like a spark that ignited another wave of orgasmic intensity within me, and before i could even process what was happening, i came again without warning. my body went limp, exhausted and spent as niki's thrusts slowed to a stop. he chuckled softly, his breath hot against my ear as he whispered something that sent shivers down my spine, “again.”

i felt myself reaching the breaking point, my body screaming for mercy as niki continued to thrust into me with relentless precision. it was like he had a sixth sense, knowing exactly when to push me over the edge and send me tumbling into another abyss of pleasure. and yet, i couldn't help but succumb to his will, my body betraying me once more as i came again not only a few minutes after. the sensation was almost too much to bear, my mind reeling from the sheer intensity of it all. niki's own climax followed shortly after mine, his groan echoing through the air as he pumped into me one final time before collapsing against my back in exhaustion. his breath hot against my skin, i could feel his heart pounding in time with mine as we lay there together in silence.

niki's arms wrapped around me, pulling me close as he whispered words of reassurance into my ear: "i'll protect you forever, i promise." the warmth of his body and the gentle pressure of his embrace were like a balm to my exhausted soul. as we lay there together, i felt a sense of safety wash over me, as if nothing could ever harm us again.

as the silence stretched out between us, our breathing synchronized in time with each other's. my eyelids grew heavy, and before i knew it, i was drifting off to sleep. niki followed suit soon after, his soft snores mingling with mine as we both succumbed to the exhaustion that had been building all day.

[xzaddyzanakinx]

Not That Kind of Guy

Part Seven: Stalker!Anakin Skywalker × femme reader series

Warnings: stalking, weirdo behavior, psychotic/delusional behavior, possessive/protective, sexism/misogyny, sexual content/fantasizing, pervy behavior, panty/scent kink, mask kink (Ghostface), gaslighting/manipulation[Be sure to pay attention to future warnings in the series]

Info: Anakin is perfect boyfriend material. He’s also insane, but that’s okay. He’s thinkin’ some thoughts [diary entries from Ani AND you] extremely not proofread. MDNI 18+

Diary Entry: July 14th

You’d better be so fucking glad that I’m not insane.

I offered you my weapon and you didn’t take it. You have zero self preservation skills, your fight or flight response is so low that it concerns me. You’re worse than a opossum, instead of playing dead you play pretend that it’s normal to have a home intruder with a knife in your bedroom.

You didn’t even attempt to get up and run, not that you could’ve. You wouldn’t have made it more than two steps without collapsing. You could hardly speak, slurring your words like a drunken fool.

You didn’t even call anyone after I left. Didn’t text anyone. Didn’t get out of bed until 1:00pm this morning. If I didn’t have the audio on full blast all night I would’ve busted back in and made sure you were still breathing.

Honestly I’m alittle jealous.

Stupid I know, to be jealous of myself. But you didn’t know it was me. Yet you still let me sit there, you let me talk to you, you let me scratch your head like a good little girl.

Did you really believe it was all a dream?

Do you remember it today?

Can you feel my hands on your skin? Can you taste my cum on your lips?

Did you know it was me?

Date

July 14th

You woke up groggy, way, way past the normal time your internal alarm clock jolts you awake. Disoriented wouldn’t even begin to describe how you felt right now. This was a feeling like nothing you’d ever experienced before.

Unlike last night when your mind was refusing to kick off the blanket of sleep while your body could scarcely react… now your mind was wide awake and running rapidly while your body was aching and not properly calibrated.

You’d been so utterly relaxed during your deep sleep that your muscles got the rest they’d been searching so desperately for your entire life. You felt loose, rested and smooth while also feeling as though you’d been stomped to a pulp by a stampede of angry cattle.

Your head felt swimmy, your lungs felt like they’d been working too hard. Your eyes still couldn’t fully focus either, so it was no surprise that you stumbled clumsily to the kitchen and spilled coffee grounds all over the counter.

You rested your forehead against your folded arms on the counter top, needed a moment to rest your eyes from the harsh lighting. The pounding in your head traveled from one side to the other, keeping a continuous presence behind your sensitive eyes. The moment of silence, well, it gave you time to think.

You had wanted so badly to believe last night was nothing but a weird ass dream, it wouldn’t have been the first time.

But your hopes were squashed when you woke up and saw your diary on the edge of your bed. Even the air felt disturbed, like your room itself was letting you know that it wasn’t all in your head.

He had said he wouldn’t hurt you and you believed him.

He didn’t hurt you.

But if not… why drug you? Was he planning on it and you’d interrupted his plans? Though being a kind, caring, crazy person he backed off instead of forcing you to endure whatever he decided for you while you were awake?

Or had you caught him after the deed had been done?

That ache. That horrible longing in your gut that just refused to go away… was gone. Not dulled, not in hibernation. You felt satisfied and sated.

He said he didn’t hurt you… maybe he just...

You shoved your thoughts into a corner and taped the box shut. That was absolutely sick, you cannot think that way. You can’t. What the hell is wrong with you? You shouldn’t be okay with that.

You should cry. You should scream and wail and cry and throw up.

But how could you be disgusted by a man that had taken away the yearning that had been so deeply rooted within you for so long? Maybe… maybe he didn’t even touch you like that.

Maybe whatever drug he’d given you had somehow flipped the reset switch.

“Sure.” You whispered to yourself, leaning against the countertop. “Sure, that’s all it is. Just that.”

“I have no reason to doubt him. If he wanted to hurt me he would’ve done it. I caught him, if he was truly a terrible person he probably would’ve killed me.” You reasoned with yourself.

“He just came to say hello.” You put your face in your hands, breathing deeply. “Yep. Yep. Yep. That’s all.”

You chose to ignore that fact that your panties were glued to your cunt that morning.

Conveniently over looked the obvious hickey on your left breast.

Pretended not to notice the taste of something salty in the corner of your mouth.

That’s all in your head. He didn’t do that, you didn’t feel sore. You would feel that wouldn’t you? You would’ve woken up right?

‘Right. I would’ve felt it. I would’ve woken up. So it was a dream. Yes.’ You nodded resolutely in agreement with your inner voices.

Some guy dressed as Ghostface was not in your bedroom.

You got out your diary to write about your night at the bar and how wonderful it was, and you fell asleep before you could put your pen to the paper.

Someone slipped something in your drink and it made you sleep very soundly. Someone who didn’t get the chance to take advantage because your two best friends walked you home.

Your subconscious knew that’s what happened and it made all that other stuff up. It’s time to reevaluate your bookshelf. No more dark romance. It’s turned your brain to mush.

Anakin. You should go ask Anakin to review the footage from the bar security cameras. Put your mind at ease that no one had even attempted to follow you home. Maybe you’ll see that no one even drugged you in the first place and you just have one hell of a hangover and an overactive imagination.

First things first though, scoop up those spilled coffee grounds and dump them into the filter. The water gets hot enough, it’ll be fine.

Absentmindedly grabbing your new hello kitty mug, you failed to notice the slip of paper inside until you almost poured creamer over it.

You quickly snatched it up and unfolded it.

‘Sleep well?’

——————————————————————————

“Anakin!” You banged on his front door and he answered relatively quickly.

He appeared in a pair of flannel checkered pajama pants and a short sleeved white shirt, socked feet and messy hair.

“I’m not picking my nose I swear, I’m changing my nose ring.” He grinned, one finger in his left nostril while he screwed on the ball to a new black steel ring, replacing the previous plain stainless steel one.

“M’sorry I didn’t mean to-“

“No worries baby, what’s up?” He asked, running a hand through his hair before shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Can you do me a favor please?” You asked, eyebrows furrowed.

“Of course, what’d you need princess?” He asked, his face full of sympathy. “Wanna come in? We can chat.”

He didn’t wait for you to answer, he simply stepped aside and held the door open, lifting that arm slightly so he could usher you underneath his arm and into his apartment.

“Need a drink or anything?” He asked, thumbing toward the fridge.

When you shook your head he gently grasped one of your elbows and brought you to the couch, he kneeled on one knee and held both your hands with his. He looked up at you like he was studying the most delicate piece of artwork on earth.

“What’s going on doll?” He whispered, tucking a hair behind your ear, “you look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Your eyes flashed at his lips quickly, and widened slightly, but you shook your head.

‘If only you knew.’ You thought, your inner voice giving a mirthless laugh.

“N-no.” You sighed. “Is there anyway you can convince your boss to let me look through the security footage from the bar last night?”

“Yeah sure, I doubt he’d care.” Anakin shrugged. “Why? Did you lose something?”

“Um no.” You said, contemplating on telling him your story, no matter how stupid it might make you look.

“You can tell me anything sweetheart.” Anakin cooed.

“It’s just… I think maybe someone slipped something in my drink last night.”

“You think someone drugged you?” He repeated, his hands tightening around yours.

“Well I don’t know for sure!” You said quickly. “I just woke up feeling weird and dizzy… n’ well I don’t know it doesn’t matter.”

“I’ll make sure we get that footage okay?” He promised, pulling you into his chest and smoothing your hair down your back.

You didn’t speak, you just let him pet you for a moment. The thought of telling him what had actually happened scared you. It made your stomach flip, twist into knots and yank your guts so tightly that you thought you’d never be able to eat again.

He’d think you’re nuts. He’d think you’re a liar. He’d think you wrote that note yourself. He… what would he do? If he believed you? Would he call the cops? Get angry at you for not doing it yourself?

You were vaguely aware of Anakin speaking to you and once he realized you weren’t comprehending a single word, he stopped. He leaned back to look at your face where it rested against his chest.

“Babydoll?” He said worriedly, waving his hand in front of your face to get your attention. “What’s got you all tore up?” He asked in a whisper.

You shook your head, hoping to scramble your thoughts back into order.

“It’s nothing, I just…” You breathed deeply, realizing only now that you’d started to cry.

The safety you felt with Anakin had allowed you to feel these confused feelings in a closed and controlled environment. You chided yourself for thinking he’d react offensively, you may as well just tell him. At least part of it… right?

“Hey, princess.” He said, his voice tinged with a worried kind of uncertainty. “You’re kinda scaring me, I need you to talk to me baby.” He whispered softly.

“I think someone broke into my house last night.” You blurred out suddenly, your words surprising yourself. The moment they left your lips the words caused you to shudder, eyes watering, staring at Anakin like a poor hopeless little kitten on an ASPCA commercial.

“What do you mean someone broke into your house?” He asked sternly, his hands firm on your shoulders.

“I don’t know. Maybe I imagined it.” You said embarrassedly.

“I checked all over the apartment this morning and can’t seem to find out how they got in. I just remember someone being there.” You added, biting your lip as you picked at the skin on your fingers.

“Do you want me to go look?” He asked softly. “You can stay right here, I’ll go look if you want.”

“Really?” You sniffled. “Will you?”

“Of course.” He soothed, cupping your face with both hands and wiping the remnants of your tears away. “You stay put. I’ll be right back.”

Anakin grabbed a thick Sherpa blanket…

Sherpa blanket? He has a Sherpa blanket? Hot. A man with good taste in throw blankets is a man worth pursuing.

He covered you up and patted your head, his fingers stalling momentarily as he gave you a wide-eyed, quizzical look as though he might ask you something or maybe had an odd thought. But, you could see him internally shaking whatever it was that crossed his mind away.

“I’ll be back in a sec okay?” He said, walking to his front door and shutting it with a click behind him.

Anakin walked into your apartment and idly stood in the kitchen, thinking to himself and wondering just how much you remembered. Boogie purred and looped around at his feet so he scooped her up and held her like a baby while pacing the room.

“What should I do? Hmm?” He asked, scratching beneath her chin.

“You have great advice usually.” He muttered. “C’mon… I- fuck.” He groaned.

“I can’t just ask her can I?” He huffed. “No, I can’t.”

“I’ll just… offer to put up some cameras,” he chuckled to himself. “Easy. It’ll make her feel better huh?”

“Thanks… good kitty.” He said giving her a peck on the head before sitting her on the kitchen counter and walking back to his apartment.

He popped his head around the corner to see you still sitting exactly where he left you.

“Good news is: there isn’t anyone there now.” He said with a sympathetic smile. “I can’t find any evidence of a break-in…”

“I know!” You said, exasperatedly throwing your hands up.

“Hush.” He said sternly. “Just because I didn’t find anything, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen okay?”

He doesn’t believe you. He doesn’t believe that your space had been invaded, that your sanctuary had been tainted. But, he believes that you believe it was. And that’s enough of a reason for him to play along for your peace of mind. Within reason of course. He’s not confirming your fears, he’s leaving it open ended but putting up a gate to keep it in check. He’s protecting you from yourself and your own anxiety.

Too bad he’s wrong. Although it’s real sweet that he’s trying.

“Okay.” You blushed at his change in tone, like he was speaking to a child having a tantrum.

You didn’t fully understand why, but every time he did that, it made your stomach flip- in a good way. It was… strangely comforting? Maybe? Or maybe it was just hot, either way you weren’t complaining in the slightest.

“Do you want me to set up a security system for you? Some cameras or?” He offered, sitting next to you and opening his arms which you quickly leaned into.

“Cameras?” You echoed, why hadn’t you thought to put those in when you moved in? You’re a girl, living alone, in a less-safe area of town.

“Yeah.” He nodded. “Would that make you feel better?”

“I don’t know… maybe just those window and door alarms?” You suggested. “You know the ones that make that horrible screeching sound when they’re armed and someone tries to open the door?”

“Yes.” He chuckled. “I know exactly what you’re talking about.”

“I had one on the back garden gate at my moms house.” He said, smoothing out your hair.

“Really? Why?” You asked.

“Cause she thought I was sneaking out.” He chuckled.

“Were you?”

“Yes.” He laughed. “I just wanted to go smoke with my friend who lived in the same subdivision as us. Apparently she’d been hearing the gate open and shut.”

“She was never one for confrontation, so I guess scaring the shit out of me was her way of telling me to stop sneaking out to smoke pot.” He smirked. “I screamed, like a real actual scream. Sounded like a little girl.”

“Oh poor you.” You laughed, looking up at him as you giggled. “My parents never found out I snuck out.” You said teasingly.

“Oh really? What were your methods?” He snorted.

“Well, we didn’t have a fence first of all.” You said. “Second, I was on the ground floor and my bedroom window didn’t have a screen in it.”

“Mmm.” He nodded, his chest rising and falling methodically. “Smart.”

“Yep.” You smiled. “So how bad did you get in trouble?”

“Trouble? None.” He chuckled, leaning back to look at you. “I was momma’s pride and joy, I could do no wrong. She just gave me a warning, unspoken. But still very, very loud.”

“Oh so what you’re saying is she let you get away with it huh?” You laughed.

“Pretty much.” He smiled, pausing for a moment. “So is that what you want then?”

“Yeah… I think I’d rather have those. Maybe it’ll scare ‘em off and make ‘em scream like a little bitch, like you.” You teased, trying to lighten the mood.

“Oh baby, you wound me.” He sighed. “Guess you’ll have to find someone else to install them for you, huh?”

“What?” You sat up and furrowed your eyebrows in confusion.

“What?” He said mockingly. “You really want a little bitch installing your security system? My little girly hands just won’t get the job done.” He teased.

Little girly hands? Little girly hands?

Those hands were anything but little, everything masculine. Strong and firm. Long fingers that would lace perfectly in yours, those same fingers would feel at home between your…

“Fine, I take it back.” You said quickly, pulling yourself from your dirty thoughts. You couldn’t seriously be drooling over those veined hands while discussing your potential house invasion.

“Good girl.” He grinned. “I’ll order them for you okay?” He said, brushing his knuckle against your cheek.

“Thank you.” You sighed in relief, ignoring the shiver his touch sent through you.

“No problem princess.” He said softly.

Diary Entry: July 14th

God I feel so… conflicted.

I never feel conflicted when it comes to you. It’s so strange, this feeing. It’s like I’m being pulled in two directions.

I love you. So much baby.

I love the way you felt in my arms today. I loved the way you let me hold you, comfort you. We have such a good connection. Such a normal, real, blossoming relationship.

But I’ve went and made things complicated haven’t I?

I should’ve waited. I should’ve been more careful. I should’ve sucked it up and just watched through the cameras and kept my hands to myself. I have patience, I should’ve used it.

It’s just… you’re so tempting.

You love it. Whether you know it or not, I know it. I see it, hear it, taste it. You need me. Conscious and consenting or unconscious and oblivious. Either way, you need me.

So it’s really not my fault. I might’ve thrown the snowball that’s triggered the avalanche, but you’re not running from it. You’re letting it drag you under and doing it with a blush and blissful smile.

Ghostface has thrown an unexpected but possibly very interesting wrench in my plans. You reacted so strangely. I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s eating me alive inside, the way you just… accepted it. It’s amazing.

Truly, it’s astonishing. This side of yourself that you’ve kept locked away and hidden from view, maybe even hidden from yourself until now. Do you have a Pit too? Did that surprising reaction crawl out of the depths of your enigmatic mind?

It’s a mystery to me. One I will never crack, it drives me nuts. Knowing that there’s a truly unsolvable puzzle in front of me, I can pick and pick and pick, but I’ll never find all the pieces. You’re too smart, too clever, too perfect. Why would your mind maze be any different?

What have you got hidden in there? In that one place I can’t break into? The one part of yourself you can hide from me?

I’ve gotten a taste, a small one. Lightly salted, hardly seasoned thoughts sprawled on the pages of your diary. No one, not even me, writes everything down. There are things that will stay locked away in my mind, never to be spoken or written. I’m sure you have those things too. Probably not anywhere near as… depraved as mine. But strange and unusual enough that you’d never willingly allow anyone to learn.

As much as I hate that I can’t read your mind, I love it too. That hidden side of yourself that is only for you. It’s something I’m not sure that you would ever show me, not even when you’ve finally fallen in love with me. Not even when we’re too old to care about anything but our happiness… I don’t think you’d share it then either.

That’s a shame. It really is.

But you might share that side of yourself with Ghostface.

I know you.

I know you well enough to realize that the fawn who timidly, but let their curiosity guide them to speak with Ghostface is not the same doe that blinks up at Anakin with adoration.

You. Are. So. Much. Like. Me.

Anakin looks at you with a sense of love, pure and unfiltered. He wants the best for you because he cares so deeply. He wants to keep you safe and warm and forever happy. Because that’s his duty as a loving and caring partner. Your protector and provider.

Ghostface looks at you with love yes, but also obsession and deeply rooted perversion. An infatuation so strong that he’d shed gallons of blood just to get to you. He wants the best for you, in his own way. He wants to keep you safe while giving you the danger he knows that you crave. He wants to keep you warm by feeding the flame of your own twisted little fantasies. The ones so dark you won’t even write them in your diary. He wants to keep you forever happy too, just not in the traditional sense.

And if he gets to have his own fun along the way… well, we both know I’m a fan of killing two birds with one stone. Of course Ghostface would have some mutually beneficial, selfishly planned ideas too, right? He’s unafraid to be what Anakin tries to keep hidden.

Maybe we can have both? Separately… at least for a little while.

You can have us both.

We can have the fawn and doe.

That could be fun. I think I’d like that. You’re just perfect, you’re so perfect. I never would’ve imagined I would be lucky enough to find someone who was as fucked in the head as me. The theory is of course untested, but I have a feeling that I’m right. I think you’ll love Ghostface just as much as you love Anakin.

Because I love the fawn just as much as I love the doe.

The doe that blinks up at me like it’s been caught in the high beams of a truck. The doe that is clever enough to carry on a good banter with me. Sweet and kind and gentle. That’s the recipe for the perfect little deer, they’re such a gentle animal. Soft.

Just like you. They bed down in the softest grass, nest themselves up in a way that keeps them hidden and safe. You do the same, all those stuffed animals and the ridiculously thick and fluffy comforter you sleep under.

They’re smart. They can be sneaky and quiet if they need to be. They have hard and dangerous hooves if they truly need to use them. So do you, but you’ve proven that just like a doe, you’d rather return to the safety of your nest instead of bucking up to kick your problems square in the chest.

Even though they’re smart enough to know they’re prey, they’re too sweet, too pure to believe anyone could have bad intentions. That’s why the bucks have antlers. Sharp and precise, ready to clash into whatever threatens his doe, head first.

Sound familiar?

Then there’s the fawn. The you I’ve only just begun to know. Tiny, meek, fragile. A bleat so small and unsure that it’s comical, like the way you spoke to Ghostface.

They cower, hide. Walk on unsteady legs that cause them to flounder when they’re nervous. They get overconfident; leaping and running on those lanky limbs and regretting it when they fall to their knees, legs folded beneath them and calling out for their protector.

They have those innocent doe eyes all the time, not just when caught off guard. Like the you that Ghostface met. So curious and wrongfully trusting. They don’t realize danger until it’s too late, they’re just exploring the world around them and suddenly they’re gone.

That’s why it’s important that you stay within arms reach of me. That’s why I watch you so closely. That’s why you need me.

They’re so easily taken advantage of; the purity, the innocence, it’s a recipe for disaster if it’s left to develop on its own. But when it’s nurtured? Well cared for? Allowed to roam within reason? In the safety of the net it’s protector has spread out for them?

Well, they’ll blossom. Just like you. You’re so eager to learn and soak up all the knowledge you’ve been so curious about, but too afraid to seek out on your own.

Ghostface can help with that. He’ll keep you safe while giving you the room to explore. He’ll allow you to think that you’re independently experiencing a new world, even though he’s the one who’s crafting it for you.

What a surprise it’ll be when we tell you we’re the same guy. It’ll be your dream come true huh? Sweet and tender boyfriend material, bring home to momma, respectful and gentle Anakin. With a side of… well controlled obsession motivated lunacy.

See? I’m self aware. Crazy people don’t know they’re crazy. I’m not a psycho, I’m. Not. That. Kind. Of. Guy.

But Ghostface is.

I love you. You love me. We can just merge the four of us together. Fours a crowd but twos a party or some shit like that.

Date

July 19th

Anakin waltzed into your apartment and locked the door behind him. In his break and enter self imposed uniform. No mask though, he just had it tucked under his arm just incase. He liked to be prepared, especially after you’d surprised him by waking up when he’d so carefully planned for you to do the opposite.

He scooped up Boogie for company, went to your bedroom and locked the door behind him. He kicked off his shoes and climbed into your bed, staying standing to adjust the camera above your bed. He needed to uncover that lens. No reason to suffer with just the audio anymore, not when he had a perfectly good excuse that you were semi aware of now.

With task one complete he propped up his phone against one of your many stuffies to have the background noise of one of the shows he’s finally getting around to watching: Narcos. He can understand the hype around it when it was first released now and kind of wishes he’d sucked it up and jumped on the bandwagon to watch it with everyone else in the world back then.

With his work area set up he reached under your mattress with one long arm and pulled out your diary. He’d been impatiently waiting for you to formulate some questions and he’d hear you speaking to yourself about it the night before.

So he cracked open the little pink book and pulled out the red ink pen he’d brought along.

It just wouldn’t be as fun to use one of your cutesy little gel pens or just a plain old black one. But it would be fun to add just a dash more intimidation into the scenario.

It’s a proven fact that red is an uneasy color for humans. It’s one of those things that never fully went away when people developed past the primitive brain. Most people don’t even realize it, but studies show that red ink really does affect the brain. It’s very subtle but it’s still there. The mind is a strange place.

Red bad, blood red, scary.

That’s why all good horror movies have the killers write in red ink… or just straight up blood. It’s unsettling.

Anakin leaned back and got comfortable, flipping through the pages to read the few entries that he hadn’t yet, before moving on to the main course, a page titled: Answer Me

——————————————————————————

Your Diary Entry: Answer Me

Do I know you? If I don’t then who are you?

We’ve met.

Nice try, you’re not getting that out of me yet. Bold of you to ask though, I like that.

Just call me Ghost.

I’m sure that I know you, why else would you hide your voice?

Clever girl.

What do you look like?

You saw me. I didn’t realize you needed glasses.

Do appearances mean that much to you? Well, here’s what I look like under the mask:

Funny, huh?

Why me?

I don’t have enough room in this book to answer this question sweetheart.

So I’ll shorten it: you’re perfect, precious… and I love you because of it.

How did we meet?

You’re really confident that you’ve met me. It would’ve been embarrassing if you were wrong.

:)

I saw you, you saw me. That’s how most people meet isn’t it?

Will you come back?

I’d have to be dead to be kept from you, even then you’d never be without me.

The afterlife is just a step behind the living.

It’d be fun to try out that poltergeist stuff anyway, don’t you think?

How did you get in? I checked and had a friend check… no sign of forced entry.

I know. I saw you both.

Not too long ago, you left your window unlocked. My main goal is to keep you safe and happy, you can’t be safe with an open window easily accessible by a fire escape. So I climbed in and closed it for you.

Have you looked for your spare key lately? I know where it is. It’s in my pocket. On my keychain.

How long have you been watching me?

I like the way you asked this. Not ‘how long have you been doing this’, not ‘how many times have you broken in’.

I’ve been watching you for quite a while now. Long enough that you should’ve definitely noticed by now. Just another reason you need me to protect you. You’ve been completely oblivious.

Go to the next page for the rest of this. I have more to say; you need a lecture.

Hello again, let’s continue shall we?

You’re utterly hopeless in the way of self awareness and keeping watch of your surroundings.

I walk you to and from work nearly everyday.

I sat on your fire escape every night for weeks, to watch you fall asleep on the couch, watching your little shows.

I’ve been to your sisters house, I’ve been to the library to see who is in your book club, I’ve even been to the gym with you.

You never noticed. That’s… forgivable. I’ve been very good at keeping myself hidden, ie. all the times I laid on top of the roof next door to watch you sleep through your bedroom window. But that was before I started visiting your home.

(Have you noticed that those curtains stay closed now? I always shut them for you because you’re forgetful.)

But you know what isn’t forgivable? Everything I’ve done inside your home that you’ve never noticed.

Sweetheart, I love you. I really do. But god you’d probably die without someone around to hold your hand. Haven’t you noticed that certain things seem to be growing into less of a chore and more of a manageable task?

I know that you have, but you thought it was all you, all on your own.

I’ve been making sure your favorite mugs are washed. I’ve been vacuuming because you never do it enough. I’ve been taking out the bathroom trash on the off occasion because I know you hate doing it.

I replace things for you. This one really gives me a giggle.

You’ve been using the same bottle of Persil laundry detergent for almost two months. Ever wondered why it stays half full? No?

Your favorite cereal never runs out either.

You’re adorable, so clueless.

It’s all helpful things sweetheart. No worries, I’m not just some weirdo creep. I do actually care about you and your well-being too. I love you.

You haven’t missed a single birth-control pill since I’ve been setting it out for you.

You’ve been sleeping so much better, in your own bed where you should be, because of that yummy SleepyTime tea. It’s nice to wake up feeling rested isn’t it?

I did my research, remember when you felt real down a while back? That’s when I started setting out your medicine and giving you that tea. I read that it was probably a hormone imbalance because you’re too forgetful to take your pill consistently.

I like to help, I want to help. It makes life easier for you and that’s what’s most important. That’s what a man should do, take care of the one he loves, keep her happy, safe and loved. I’m dedicated to you. I want you to know that.

Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked and you have more questions to be answered my curious girl.

If you didn’t plan on hurting me, why did you drug me, why did you bring a knife?

Valid question.

Am I being watched ALL the time?

No, I’m not a psycho. You deserve privacy, I’ve never peeked in on you in the bathroom in any capacity. I don’t always watch you in your bedroom. But I do listen. I like to hear you snore, it’s like ASMR.

I’ve never accidentally seen you naked if that what you’re asking. It’s always on purpose.

Why haven’t you made yourself known? Why no weird calls or notes or anything? Isn’t that a thing stalkers do?

No. It’s not. At least not for me.

I don’t want to freak you out. Leaving weird calls and notes would scare you. That’s the last thing I want.

I’ll start, let you get the full experience lol.

(Not creepy shit though I promise.)

What do you get out of watching me sleep? Have you touched me?

You’re beautiful, peaceful, angelic. It’s just nice to be in your presence. It’s calming in a way. Like how grandmas knit to wind down in the afternoon. Kinda like that I guess.

Maybe.

Are there cameras here?

Yes. But not everywhere, like I said, you deserve privacy.

They’re here for security reasons, but also because it sucks to sit in the rain on a fire escape. My ass would get frozen to the metal grate when it was cold.

I don’t use them for what you think though.

Will you ever tell me who you are?

Would you be able to cope with knowing my identity? I mean, there’s a reason I wear the gloves and mask, change my voice. Like I said, you know me in the real world. I won’t ever show you my face if it means losing you there.

I’d stop coming here like this though. If you wanted. But I don’t think you do. Do you?

You’ve obviously read my diary. Is that why you chose Ghostface?

What do you think? :)

There. Questions answered.

Don’t expect me in person for a bit, you should take some time to process. I know it’s a lot.

I’ll still be there for you though, I wouldn’t leave you completely. Never.

I have a feeling you won’t tell anyone. But I do of course have to ask: please, don’t tell anyone okay? It’d make me sad :(

Not even Lukey or Anakin okay?

I’ll warn you before I make an appearance next time.

Date

July 28th

The bell above the door at the Bluebird chimed and your head perk up immediately. There he was, right on time.

Anakin had been much, much closer to you since your meeting with Ghost. You still hadn’t told him. Probably never would.

Who would believe something so insane anyway? Anakin had handled the whole ‘home intruder and I’ve been drugged’ situation extremely well. He was very supportive, your certain that if you did ever share the information on Ghost with him, he would do his best to validate you, but he’d definitely make you go to therapy.

“My princess.” He grinned, walking up to the counter and sitting on a barstool, both hands palm up on the countertop for you to place yours in.

“Hey Ani.” You smiled softly, you loved this.

You loved what this had bloomed into. You never thought you’d fall for a traditional guy, but here you are, with Anakin.

“Whatcha got left? Almost done?” He queried, rubbing the backs of your hands with his thumbs while he gazed at you with those dreamy blue eyes.

“I’ll be ready to leave as soon as Sara clocks in.” You peered back into the kitchen, hoping to see her walk in the back door any moment.

“Good, we’ve got places to be.” Anakin teased.

“Do I have to go in my work clothes?” You whined. “I smell like french fries!”

“Mmm my favorite perfume of yours.” He snickered. “No, you don’t baby. I brought you a change of clothes. Dress or pants?”

“Oh? You brought options?” You asked in surprise.

“Of course I brought options. I’m not a mind reader.” He smirked.

“No, but you might as well be.” You laughed.

“Mmhmm.” He looked down at your hands and laced his fingers with yours. “Pants?”

“Yes please.” You nodded with a laugh. “See? Mind reader.”

“I wish.” He rolled his eyes. “Just know my girl well that’s all.” He smiled, one hand leaving yours to cup your cheek.

“Sara’s here.” He nodded to the back door as it was opening.

“Oh good!” You said, patting his hand on your cheek and spinning around to clock out.

Once Anakin had led you out to his car he opened the back passenger door and handed you one of your small backpacks with clothes in it.

“Change inside?” He asked, nodding toward the restaurant.

“Ew no.” You scoffed. “I’ll just change in the backseat.” You shrugged.

“Sure thing baby.” He laughed, gesturing for you to get in.

He stood outside with his back resting against the side of the car, ever respectful of you and your boundaries. Soon enough you knocked on the window and he moved out of the way to open the door for you and help you into the front of the car.

“Lookin’ good princess.” He let out a low whistle that had you blushing.

“Thanks.” You squeaked, despite being so comfortable with him, you couldn’t help but be bashful sometimes.

He was never not confident in the things he said to you. If he wanted to tell you something, he did. With his full chest.

Tonight was your first real, official date. Anakin had planned it all for you, you weren’t privy to his choices but you assumed it would be casual considering the clothes he’d offered you. He’d said ‘men should plan the dates and their girls should just enjoy them’.

Fuck feminism. Anakin made you forget you had the right to vote, he made you forget what it was like to do things on your own, he made you forget the horrors of being a girl left alone.

With him around you never had to lift a finger.

So it was no surprise that when you arrived at the restaurant he walked around, opened your door and offered you his arm. Not unexpected that he would order your food for you, somehow he always knew what you wanted, you didn’t even bother picking up the menu anymore.

Not a shock at all that when he got you home you didn’t have to do anything but lay back and be loved.

Part Eight

Just realized that probably not everyone knows what a butterfly knife is, so here’s a gif (I’ll put one in the previous post too) like you’re telling me this isn’t Anakin’s weapon of choice??? Show off.

Tag-List:

@wickedtactics @tsugumiholic @kingdomhate @burnthecheshirewitch @exquisitcorpse @arzua10 @bby-imasociopath @depressed-kay @aliciaasky @naty-1001 @mrsmikaelsxn @bunnylovesani @ausskywalker @angelsadmired @slut4starwarssmut t @chocolatepalacecloudhoagie @starkiller419 @hearts4mitski4 @lethargic @allhailbuckybarnes-blog @shadowhuntyi @mortalheartache @fallinlovewithevil @sythethecarrot @chaoticantihero @vadersslut @luvvfromme @anakinsbaee @doblasftcisco o @sweetcheesecakesblog @luvskywxlker @angelsadmired @kaminokatie @anakin-pilled @graveyard-stray @chiaraanatra @jediavengers @zapernz @lunalitva @salted-snailz @queenofchaos99 @ellie-luvsfics @dazednstars141 @rorysbrainrot @hopesworlld @lonaah @guiltycherries @syralix

THE TAGS LIST IS FULL! But if you want to be tagged I will comment ur username for you. Love you all so many.

[sparrowrye]

Alastor x Fem! Reader {soulmates} Part 2

Synopsis: soulmate AU where you have the same mark on your body as your soulmate, and if your soulmate dies you also die. Alastor needs to make sure that his soulmate is safe so he can continue his reign - whatever that takes.

Part 2 summary: Escape is futile

Part Pilot

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"And the winner is Python!"

I turned my head from the bloody sight. I had brutally murdered an innocent fighter like myself. But I had to do it. It was my only chance out of here and they were far too mentally gone to even have a chance at a normal life.

I pushed myself up on one foot and limped to the gate. The crowd above roared my fighter name and bets were being collected. My master picked me up and looked down at my injured foot. Usually a head collar was strapped on to keep me from using magic against him, but he had recently gotten more comfortable without it.

I flicked my wrist behind his back. The sweat from my forehead jumped off and sliced through his throat. He dropped me and fell, clutching his throat. I scrambled to my feet and bolted around the cages containing my brothers and sisters in fighting. I ran past the unknowing guard at the gate and into the crowd.

I could taste the sweet taste of freedom beyond those fences. All I had to do was hide in the woods until dawn. It was easy. The crowd didn't know what was happening and people often tried to run out on a poor bet. No one would interfere.

Except one.

Rope wrapped around my throat and snapped my head backwards. The force slammed my back into the cold ground. I coughed violently as I pulled the rope loose. Spit fell out of my lips as I looked up. Standing on the other end of the rope was Striker, a Full mage who liked to terrify others with his illusionist demonic appearance.

He pulled on the rope and it tightened again. I slipped my hand under it and tried to dig my chin between my neck and it. He pulled even tighter, rougher, and pulled me forward, forcing me to fall on my stomach. I sent wind and dirt but he casted a shield of around himself.

I looked to the side and pretended to lift something. His glance was all I needed. I leaned forward and pulled the rope over my head. I barely made two steps before something caught my foot. I tried to pull that one off but the ropes kept coming. My neck, my shoulder, my wrist, and my knee. I flailed and threw every magic I could at his ropes. Yet it did nothing. A Slight hand was no match for a Full mage.

Henchmen appeared and pulled the ropes in different directions. It was mere seconds to have me completely immobile on the cold ground. Striker stepped inches from my face before kneeling down and grabbing my chin. He lifted the rope around my neck at the same time, painfully contorting my neck in what felt like a 90 degree angle.

"Looks like you're mine now, sweetheart," he purred, "'til the day you die." He let go of my head and my face slammed down into the pavement.

I jerked my head up from the pillow with a yelp. I found myself in an old, dusty room with sunlight streaming in from the window. I sat up and examined every inch of the room. How the hell did I get here?

I tried to think past the nightmare but was met with a mental block. Who's house was this? Why am I here? When did I change into a white gown? Who's bed is this?

I put my feet on the cold carpet and padded over to the window. I looked out at a wide open sea and a sheer cliff-face. That's when it connected. I had evaded the worse fighter master for five years and landed right in the claws of the Radio Demon.

A light knock came at the door. I dove into the corner and put my hand up, ready to cast at a moment's notice. But the person who entered wasn't the Radio Demon, but a different one. He resembled a combination of a cat and bird, his entire body covered in gray and white fur and his wings a gorgeous bright red. He had a black top hat sitting between his ears.

"You're awake," he said, "Good. Your clothes are in the wardrobe. Alastor wants to speak with you before he leaves so hurry up." He shut the door.

My neck hairs bristled at being told what to do. I didn't waste five years of freedom to be told what to do again solely because my soul happened to be bound to the worse Full mage of the century.

Yet there was nothing I could do.

I opened the wardrobe to find old dresses that looked like they were from the 1930s. Maybe the 40s or 50s? They were old, that much was obvious. Not my style, either.

Now he's dressing me.

I swallowed hard and picked a long skirt and button down. I locked myself in the bathroom, grateful that it had a lock, and quickly dressed. The sink had a bowl of water in it which told me this old house didn't have working pipes.

I gently splashed my eyes with the ice cold water to wake myself up. I found an old brush in one of the drawers and brushed out my messy hair. It had taken nearly three years to really understand how to take care of this hair. I had grown it out after escaping the rings to make myself more unnoticeable.

I let out a sigh. I closed my eyes and took a moment to ready myself for the next encounter with the mage. He couldn't kill me. He would kill himself in the process. If he tried to keep my in a cage like the others a little self harm should do the trick. I had options. I could handle this. I had handled worse. Right?

Outside the room wasn't much better off. The floorboards caved under my weight and spewed dust up in my face. I sneezed a few times on my way down, careful not to touch anything in case it disintegrated upon contact.

The staircase to the foyer was tight and narrow. I could clearly see the deep purple and dark brown accents of the house now. It didn't exactly look pretty. Though I couldn't imagine much thought was put into any part of this old house.

I turned at the last step to find my soulmate standing by the cold fire. He seemed to be looking at something before he spun to face me. His eyes looked me from head to toe and back again. My fingers tightened into a fist subconsciously.

"Mm, it'll do." I bristled at the comment but he crossed the living room in seconds to stand in front of me. I took a step back. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine."

"Come sit, I have much to tell you before I leave." He stepped to the side and gestured to the room. His other hand was behind his back holding his cane; the cane that made me feel like I was always being watched with the creepy little eye on it.

I looked up at his red eyes before forcing myself to walk into the room and sit on one of the hideous old chairs. He sat on the other one on the opposite side of the fireplace and crossed his legs elegantly. I crossed my ankles and put my hands in my lap. I hated dresses but I had watched enough women and explored the internet enough to know how to sit 'properly'. He seemed like the type to correct me on manners.

"I'll make this simple since I have places to be," he started, "My rules are very simple. Rule number one, you're not to leave the premises. You have until the tree-line before you're considered off this property. Rule number two, you can go anywhere in the house except for my room and office. They're beside each other on the second floor. Don't worry, they're locked so you can't mistake them for another room." His eyes narrowed a tad. "Rule number three, don't bother me. You can do anything you like, request nearly anything from Husker, but do not disturb me."

"May I ask a question?" I ventured. My head was tilted down a little and my eyes glared up at him.

"Yes you may." He laid his cane on his lap.

"If you want nothing to do with me, why the hell are you keeping me here?"

"Silly girl," he chuckled, "I told you last night. I need not worry about my soulmate dying in wasteful ring fights. If you die, I die. Not to mention, if people discovered we were connected you would undoubtedly find yourself against very powerful mages that could kill you in half a second." I gritted my teeth, unsure of how to respond. "And as I said last night, you should be grateful that I'm providing you with a safe haven."

"A safe haven that's about to collapse?" I remarked, looking around at the dusty boards and picking at the old ratted chair.

"Well," he laughed, "if you're bored you could always fix up the place."

"Can't you do that with your oh-so-powerful magic?"

"I have more important things to use my magic on. Besides, your Slight magic should be enough to fix up the things you need." I was about to argue when he abruptly stood up. "Well, I must be going now. I do hope I won't have to remind you of my rules. They are rather simple and easy to follow. Good day." He didn't bother to use the door, disappearing into the shadows and melting into the floor.

I stared at where he had disappeared for a long moment. My eyes then trailed around the room, examining its every inch. It was quiet. Too quiet.

Boards creaked and I looked over to see Husker appearing from the hallway. "I'm sorry to hear that you have a shitty soulmate," he said, sounding genuinely apologetic.

"I never believed in soulmates, really." I stood up to walk over to him. We looked roughly the same height until I got closer and discovered to be a few inches taller. "Is there a reason why you're...here? With him?"

"I'm under Alastor's service for an extended period of time," he answered, turning back down the hallway. I followed him through the narrow entryway and came to an old kitchen. "He told me I'm to fulfill most of your requests."

"Why do you listen to him?"

"For my own reasons," he growled, "I'm not about to let you run off, if that's what you're trying to get at. He can't kill you but he can kill me, and he will if I let you run off."

"Right." I quietly left the room to explore the rest of the house. Next to the kitchen was the dinning room. It was full of random old furniture that looked like someone had dumped the insides of a victorian home here. It circled back to the staircase and sitting room. On the other side of the sitting room was a library study. The books looked like they were nests for spiders, moths, and bookworms.

Upstairs had another sitting room but was mostly filled with old bedrooms and bathrooms. I quickly discovered which rooms belonged to Alastor. Directly across from 'my' bedroom were two locked doors side by side. So long as he came and went at early or late hours of the day, I could avoid him easy.

Escaping shouldn't be hard, though. A pang of guilt went through me as I thought of Husker having to deal with the repercussions. He was obviously a Full mage if he could conjure up a demonic illusion like that. Though what for while he was here, I'm not sure. Perhaps a scare tactic. I shook the thought from my head. I had killed people with my bare hands on the concept of "Me or them". This would be no different.

"Say," I found Husker drinking something in the kitchen, "could we fix the pipes so we can have running water?"

Husker shrugged. "Sure. You want to help?" The side glance his black eyes made me want to incline.

"Sure."

Outside had a cool, ocean breeze crossing the field. I instantly found the tree line Alastor spoke of. The first challenge of escaping would be crossing the field. There was nothing to hide behind or use for a shield. I had to buy time to cross the field and take shelter in the dense trees.

Husker went to the side of the house where an old well stood a few paces from it. He put his hands on the ground and seemed to search through the earth. A moment later he snapped his black eyes open and looked up at me.

"Clean out the well and dig further down until you reach water." He said as he pointed to the stoned circle. I stood on the side that put it between me and Husker. I had heard too many tales of people losing their life to a deep well.

Husker fixed the pipes underground and through the house while I fixed the source. I knew my next request to him was to allow me more clothes that fit my style. And more pants. I kept quiet until the brown water turned into pristine, clear running water from all the faucets.

I dried my hands on my dress in the kitchen and asked, "How did you know I had magic?"

"Alastor told me."

"Right."

"I've also seen you in the fight rings before."

"You what?" I bristled.

"Relax," he grabbed the same bottle from the counter, "I wasn't a master or anything. I was running the bets and gambling." That didn't make me feel any better. How could he just let them keep those fights going? His appearance gave me my answer.

So I changed the subject. "How would you suggest I ask you for different clothes? These aren't exactly right for me." I looked down at the elongated skirt.

He let out a sigh and pulled out a phone. My heart quickened. "Find what you're looking for and screenshot what you want. Then tell me your size."

"You know, that's not exactly how sizes for women work," I tried. "One size in one store could be very different than another."

"Then pick one store and tell me what sizes," he replied. My heart dropped and I took the phone from him.

****

I gave myself a week before my first escape attempt. I had to know Alastor's schedule and Husker's routine. I also need to ensure they weren't bracing for my first attempt. A week should be long enough, surely.

Alastor left in the mornings before or right at dawn and returned at some point well after dusk. Husker preferred to be in the living room or on the outside porch drinking alcohol. I guessed that he had some kind of magic that kept the effects of alcohol to a minimum so he could still keep an eye on me. I made it a habit to join him on the porch most of the time, reading the one book I could think of off the top of my head for him to get.

Alastor had made two more rules since my arrival. Well, one official rule and one implicit. The explicit one was no unsupervised internet access. No phone, no computer, nothing. I had no connection to the outside world.

The implicit rule was my clothing style. Any 'modern' clothing that was even close to being considered immodest disappeared from my wardrobe the next day. This meant he was keeping a close eye on me despite his rules to keep as much distance between the two of us as possible. I had to be careful. I didn't know what type of magic he was using and if he could see me at any point.

But I was ready.

It was a blue evening, the setting sun hidden behind a raincloud. The rain hadn't quite reached us yet but the strong gusts were moving the clouds closer and closer. As much as I didn't want to escape on a rainy night, it was the best chance I had. Muddy conditions and rain made it difficult to see and operate in. For most people. Most likely for Full mages who were used to having everything handed to them on a plate thanks to their power.

Husker had just finished another one of his whiskey bottles and went inside for another. I whispered an apology as the door closed and I stood up from my chair. I used my magic to push against the wood from underneath so they didn't creak. I jumped the stairs and as soon as my feet hit the grass I ran.

I pushed wind against my back to help carry me across the field. My heart pounded in my ears as I reached the tree line and disappeared behind the closest large tree. I sank to the ground and peaked around the tree. I didn't see Husker yet.

I turned and ran further into the forest. The wind from the storm made it easy to maneuver through the dense forest. I had no idea where the closest town or city was but I needed to put as much distance between me and the house as possible.

There was no notion of time as I kept running. My legs burned and chest hurt but I didn't dare stop until I could barely stand. I pushed through the pain and veered off to the side, hoping they would search in the other direction. The rain had started and trees bent against the strong winds, pushing back as best they could. I took this as my cue to find a hiding spot until the storm cleared up.

I picked one of the trees and started pulling up the dirt and roots. I would dig myself a little burrow and wait out the storm. The wind pulled aggressively on my clothes and hair. It felt incredibly strong for a storm and it made my blood run cold. I frantically looked around in search of the bright red of Alastor's coat or Husker's wings. This wasn't natural wind. This was from magic. They were searching for me.

The trees practically uprooted themselves as the wind pushed against them, opening the forest floor to the sky for a moment. I briefly saw Husker's red wings in the sky before the trees cut my line of sight. I dove to the side before the trees opened again. I felt like a field mouse running from a coyote in the field grass.

Husker dropped through the canopy and locked eyes with me. He curled his claws inward and the tree branches reached for me. I pushed against them with wind and snaked through their reaches. I stayed as close to the ground as I possibly could. I needed someplace to defend, somewhere that he couldn't reach me. The forest was proving to be a horrible idea.

Wind and fire were my best friends as I evaded and burned the branches that grabbed at me. Husker went back to the skies and attempted to create a wall with the trees. A branch caught my foot and dragged me towards its trunk. I opened the earth near it and pulled its roots up. I used the storm and pushed the tree all the way down. I jumped into the ditch and pulled the roots back over me, partially covering me from the sky. Husker flapped overhead, arms crossed.

I dug into the earth and filled it up behind me. The further down I went the farther I was from the reach of the trees. Several times he tried to catch me with the roots but he couldn't see me anymore. I had broken his line of sight. That's how you defeat a Full mage, I realized. If the mage couldn't see you, then they didn't know what they were doing.

I picked a random direction and started tunneling again. I didn't get far, though, as I realized my great fault. I had filled most of the earth behind me and it cut off my airway. It was freezing this far down and I was lacking oxygen. I was suffocating. I was already sweating and exhausted but not I was truly fighting for my life.

Praying that they were digging after me in the original spot, I start tunneling back up. Going up was far easier than going down but I was already exhausted, physically, mentally, and magically. I had to take several stops, struggling to breathe.

After what felt like an hour, I reached tree roots. I grabbed hold of one and used the last of my magic strength to pull myself through the dirt. I clambered through the dirt and sucked in the fresh air. I frantically looked around, half expecting Husker to jump on me from behind. But he was nowhere in sight. The light rain had turned into a downpour but the tree I was under gave me enough shelter from it.

I looked around for several moment before collapsing against the trunk. I took deep breaths of the sweet fresh air and let the rain drops patter on my face. Had I done it? Were they digging after me or looking elsewhere for my tunnel exit? It didn't matter. I just needed a few minutes to recover.

"Well done."

My breathing caught in my throat. I looked up to see Alastor leaning against the tree staring down at me. His smile was still plastered on his face and the sarcasm was heavy. I scrambled to my feet and backed away from him.

"I must say I'm impressed that you managed to evade Husker but I'm sorely disappointed that you can't follow simple instructions." He was leaning forward enough this he was at my eye level and creeping towards me.

“I'm disappointed you thought I would just stay put like a pet," I returned with heavy breathing. I was so tired. I didn't know if I had the energy to run from him.

He chuckled at my retort. "I knew you would attempt to run. You watched my schedule. You knew I wouldn't be back until later. I know exactly how your mind works."

“Do you, now?" Using my peripherals, I willed the roots from the nearest tree to uproot and wrap around his legs, making sure not to touch him yet. "Then you'll know that a cornered animal fights back until they die." I snapped the roots tightly around him. He looked down and I ran. I was so tired but desperation kept my blood boiling in all my fights.

I used the strong wind and rode it into the sky. I threw myself as high as I could and looked around. It was nothing but trees. No town, no city, no house, absolutely no sign of humanity. I was in the middle of nowhere.

I dropped into the trees and hide among the branches, eyes desperately scanning the ground. I leaned back to sit on my heels but the strength in my arm had disappeared. I lost my grip on the branch and fell backwards, hitting branches on my way down.

I landed hard on my back and felt a crack run through my spine. I sucked in a gasp of air and stared up at the gray sky. I gripped at the wet grass and tried to pull my strength back in. Alastor appeared above me a moment later, smiling down at my paralyzed body. He knelt beside my head so his ugly yellow smile came closer to my face.

"This suites you," he said, "this desperation. You're trying so hard to escape no matter what it does or if it kills you." He pushed a strand of hair out of my eyes. "Unfortunately for you, it matters to me because we share the same fate."

"Fuck you."

His smile lessened slightly. "I'll add another rule for you to follow." He grabbed my throat and hoisted me to my feet. His claws dug painfully into my skin until I could feel my blood soaking my shirt. He pushed me against a tree and leaned in close to my face. I pulled on his wrist and tried not to cough in his face. "Rule number five. Never speak to me in such a way again." He paused. "Words like that are unbefitting for a woman."

"You can..." I struggled to speak clearly, "you can...keep me here but...but I'm...but I will not play...play by your rules." My heart was racing as his grip tightened even more so. He dies if you die. He dies if you die. I repeated in my head.

He let go of me and I fell face first into the ground. I gasped and coughed up spit as I rubbed my throat. "Give it time." I saw his feet walk around to stand in front of me. "I can be very persuasive."

[whumpetywhumpwhump]

Any thoughts on heart things in sickfic? Now I'm not talking about the worst case scenarios (I tend to like my whump relatively comforting, myself) but like wowie are hearts super reactive during illness. I myself had a relatively low grade fever all week and I had a 100bpm more or less lying down 💀 toss some normally benign heart conditions in the mix and caretaker might wanna keep a close eye on poor whumpee here.

(Fabulous blog by the way 💕 I love your stuff. Always excitedly bounding over here the second I notice a new post. I hope you have a lovely day/night! 💖)

yessssss I love this stuff! personally I like to give my characters POTS because having your heart rate fluctuate like that has a lot of whump potential.

when whumpee is sick, their heart is going haywire, and it just makes them feel ten times worse. they're exhausted because of how fast it's beating, and it's so uncomfortable that they can't sleep. caretaker just has to sit beside whumpee's bed or the couch, holding whumpee's wrist to keep an eye on how fast their heart is beating.

or perhaps whumpee is just having a really bad POTS day. they've already passed out a couple of times so they're just laying down, uncomfortable and exhausted, waiting for things to hit next but stuck mercilessly in pre-syncope. caretaker again resumes the same position, checking whumpee's pulse, other hand stroking their hair.

"just let it happen, whumpee. it's okay. i'm here."

but whumpee hates passing out so much that every time they feel themselves going, they're fighting tooth and nail to keep awake- until at last, after a little more encouragement from caretaker, they let their eyes roll back in their head and go limp.

the whole time, caretaker keeps measuring whumpee's pulse, clicking their tongue at how fast it's going.

[notmorbid]

hannibal: season 1.

dialogue prompts from season one of nbc's hannibal.

fear is the price of imagination.

my thoughts are often not tasty.

not fond of eye contact, are you?

perception's a tool that's pointed on both ends.

i don't find you that interesting.

you and i are just alike.

how do you see me?

therapy doesn't work on me. i know all the tricks.

therapy is an acquired taste which i have yet to acquire.

i don't think we've ever been alone in a room together.

killing must feel good to god. he does it all the time.

last time i went to a dark place, i brought something back.

dogs keep a promise a person can't.

i remember. i just didn't want to talk about it.

i want the truth. which sometimes requires a little deception.

sounds like something a liar would say.

perception is the most important thing in your life right now.

i don't care what anyone thinks.

i'm gonna be messed up, aren't i?

there's no such thing as 'getting used to' what you experienced.

you do this a lot?

no wonder you have nightmares.

can you catch somebody's crazy?

everybody thinks you did it, you know.

why did you come back here?

i can help you, if you ask me to.

how did you know it was me?

i don't want to go to sleep.

i'll keep your secret.

whose family values?

when misery rains, it pours.

i'm not normal. not anymore.

what was done to you wasn't normal.

support groups are sucking the life out of me.

the family you're born with isn't really family.

tell me about your bad dreams.

i'll just have to get used to lying.

it's important to know when to turn the page.

you want me to do drugs?

more secrets for us.

it's okay. you're home now.

i'm a little taken aback, slash a lot taken aback.

i'm not even sure if i'm awake now.

i've got just the thing to wake you up.

this is not who you are.

who prays over us when we sleep?

do you wait until you think i'm asleep to come to bed?

can we have a conversation, or do you want to pretend everything's alright?

is there anything i can offer you romantically or spiritually or physically to help you out?

you can ask me anything you want.

why don't you come up with your own answers, if you don't like mine?

it's really a very dull story, though, isn't it?

do you want to be alone? don't answer that. just think about your answer.

i don't want you to be alone, not now and not ever.

it's your fight. but i'm in your corner.

i can't give you what you need.

i thought if i kept it to myself, our lives wouldn't change.

i didn't count on changing as much as i did.

i'm gonna sit here until you're ready to talk. you don't have to say a word until you're ready, but i'm not going anywhere until you do.

you looked like you were dreaming.

you're wearing a very well-tailored person suit.

i see enough of you to see the truth of you.

words are living things. they have personality, point of view, agenda.

did you think it was a date?

i googled 'psychopath'. went down the checklist.

i wouldn't be good for you.

it's nice when someone sees us, or has the ability to see us. it requires trust.

i was worried you were dead.

i feel like i've dragged you into my world.

not feeling like yourself is kind of what you do, isn't it?

clearly there's something you don't want to tell me.

i think you need to tell your own story.

no one knows more about ___ than i do.

i won't lie if you don't.

whatever you're feeling now, it won't last.

if you open this door, you won't control what comes through. are you ready for that?

where do you go when you sneak out?

everyone decides their own version of the truth.

i won't tell anything you don't want me to.

i wondered when you would tell me.

you're grieving for the life that was taken from you.

i am officially concerned about you.

i'm not entirely sure what i saw was real.

you're not alone. we are here together.

you made me think i was somebody else.

it's hard to shake off something that's already under your skin.

it's a terrible thing to have your identity taken from you.

it's hard to be with another person when you can't get out of your own head.

we all want things we can't have.

sometimes all we can do is watch.

do i look alive?

i hope you have good insurance.

i know what i did, but i don't remember it.

you made me chicken soup?

this wasn't supposed to be my life.

some places are stained now. some people, too.

i didn't feel safe. so i left.

if i run, they'll catch me, won't they?

you can't protect me anymore.

why did you really call?

i'm sorry i couldn't protect you in this life.

i can't do the silent treatment.

i thought i would get better.

i don't feel like i dodged a bullet.

are you confused about who i am?

i am who i've always been.

the scales have just fallen from my eyes. i can see you now.

you seemed like you needed to talk.

[i-heart-yellowstone]

16 Governor Dutton

Part 17

Raised Fair Share of Hell

Tag list @bvbwestfall @hcwthewestwaswcn @child-of-of-the-sunshine @elenavampire21 @keep-the-wolves-close @kmc1989 @tallrock35

4 years Later

Rolling over in my spot in the bed I stretched my limbs out seeing that I had woken up before my alarm had gone off. I shifted my body where I ended up laying on my right side facing my husband who was still asleep right beside me. It was a rare change that I ever got to watch him sleep. Normally he would already be up and heading to the barn even though he knew we’d both officially start work at the same time before the sun had even risen up in the sky.

Shifting myself to sit up against the pillows I gently started nudging him awake by pushing my hand against his shoulder. “Kayce. Kayce, hey. It’s time for work.”

“Mmm okay.” He grumbled rubbing the sleep from his eyes tossing the covers and quickly shrugging his work clothes on.

Changing into a dark red flannel, dark blue jeans and some muddy black boots. I plucked my hat off the hook near the door dusting off the light brown cowboy hat, placing it on my head looking at my husband. “Time to go to work.”

“You said it, Lissa Rae.” Kayce kissed my forehead and we exited the house together getting in his truck to meet the Livestock Agents out by the border.

Exiting the truck I smiled in his direction seeing he already had a horse waiting for me. Climbing up on it the wind moved hair in front of my face. "Your father is getting the governor job today. Rip's got to manage the ranch for an entire party tonight. I don't think there's ever been this many possible people there."

"Yeah well I sure as heck never expected him to take the position to begin with...but now it's...real." Kayce chuckled but I could hear the shock in his tone. If there was one type of person I never expected John to become, it was governor. He only cares about what is best for the ranch. Meaning that he would destroy the possibility of an airport and more before it had even been a month I had no doubt about it.

Clicking my tongue and getting my horse to move we raced with the others to make sure the people trying to cross the boarded with stolen horses didn't get away. My horse turned to a stop as one guy tried to move around me. Yanking my reins the other way my horse got directly in the face of the bad guys horse where I could shove them back onto our side. Kayce caught one guy almost escaping on horse back until he roped him by the waist throwing him down into the water. He then jumped off cuffing him and sending him with our officers. "Man I gotta say I like starting my day like this. Riding horses and watching you rope, Kayce." I smirked resting my chin in the palm of my hand.

"Oh you do...well who knows your cowboy might have something else up his sleeve later tonight." He flirted back climbing on his horse riding back to the truck but not before sending me a wink seeing me blushing a little.

Getting back to the ranch we got out of our truck seeing a bunch of people and tents already set up. Rushing inside the house we changed out of our work clothes and into something formal. Kayce in one of his button up shirts and jeans with his hat. Me in a simple orange dress and brown boots wearing a light brown cowgirl hat on my head. "I'll get us drinks. Be right back darlin'." He kisses my cheek as I caught sight of Ryan and the other cowboys playing around with ropes. Slowly walking over there was a girl trying to show like she wasn't watching them but I could tell she was.

"Which one of them is eyeing you. I work with them all. I can be a good judge." I smiled leaning my back against the fence seeing my sister in law Beth walking over to Rip who was watching the party from up on the hill.

The girl shakes her head in denial but failed. "I'm not gonna get with any of them. They can't be devoted to both you and a place like this.. I'm Abby by the way."

She sticks out her hand that I shook. "Alissa Dutton, nice to meet you." Staring back at the boys I saw Ryan staring over our direction with a smile. "I think you should reconsider the whole not dating a cowboy thing. If you find an amazing one you'll be suprised."

Kayce comes our way carrying two beers in his hands grinning which is something that doesn't happen often on this ranch. "Well who would you suggest, him?" She pointed at my husband, making me snort out a reply immediately.

"He's taken, honey." Pointing at Ryan with my index finger she followed where I was pointing. "Him though I slept with a few times. Trust me he's good."

Kayce hands me my beer, tipping his hat to Abby beside me offering me his arm for a dance. "Care to dance, darlin'?"

Sitting my beer on the ground alongside his I spun him on his toes dragging him onto the dance floor by the stage that had a live band. "I just hooked Ryan up with a girl. Look over there. That's her." His eyes shifted over watching Ryan playfully rope the girl in for a dance with his charm making me smile.

"Good for him. Now if only we could stop that from happening-" He scoffed lightly tilting his head in the direction of the barn allowing me to see Faith and Carter spinning the other around as the music played. He had gotten taller and our daughters hair had gotten longer. I knew it was a matter of time before we have to have the talk about periods and what not.

Kayce spins me out and back into his chest throwing my hair around. "Don't you worry cowboy. We've got a while before they completely grow up on us." He intertwined our hands together again and our boots kicked up dust around.

Exiting the barn the next morning Rip had assigned Carter to ride John's horse. Faith and I climbed on our saddles. Kayce was having our other kids help clean up from the party. "Cart you're missing something." She called out to him as he was running around in a panic making sure everything was good.

"What am I missing, Faith?" He asked, halting in his tracks.

She giggled tipping her tan hat up to him where he smacked his forehead cursing as he got it from the barn finally climbing onto the horse. "Hat shit. Where's the hat!"

Kicking my horse in the belly I led the kids out following the others to see them moving the cattle. Faith and I worked pretty well together. Carter got one until his horse fell into a hole. Whipping my head around I raced over seeing his arm messed up. "Carter, you alright. What hurts?" My motherly instincts kicking in seeing him not being able to raise his arm.

"You need to keep one eye on the cow and the other on the ground." Rip orders seeing the horses legs didn't look too good.

Carter looks at Faith almost in tears as she pets her grandfather's horse. "Is the horse gonna be okay?" She shakes her head no seeing Rip reach for the rifle on his saddle.

"Rip, wait a second. That's John's horse. There must be something we can do.." I trailed off rising to my feet and securing his arm holding the shotgun.

He slumped his shoulders allowing me to see regret in his eyes. He hated having to kill a horse everyone knew that. "That leg won't heal, Alissa. We can't have him suffering." He gently pushed me aside with Faith pointing the weapon and killing the horse.

Closing my eyes I immediately replied towards my daughter. "Liyod, help him with the saddle. Alissa, take Carter back to the barn." She nodded helping him to his feet and the three of them removed the gear heading back towards the barn.

Sitting on the edge of the bed in the main house bedroom I dug inside one of the drawers finding an old badge that I didn’t carry on me anymore. Pulling out the badge from the wooden drawer I brushed my thumbs over the old silver Livestock Commissioner title that was in my hands. “My father should have passed the position down to you instead of me.”

“Nah. My daddy didn’t raise me to do politics, Kayce. He raised me to be a rancher, that's all I know.” Shrugging my shoulders I raised my head seeing my husband standing in the doorway.

“That’s all I know how to be too, darling.”

Kayce crossed the room ditching his boots crawling on the bed to sit behind me. He wrapped his arms around my waist. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about something.”

“What’s on your mind?” He softly asked me.

Turning around so I was able to look into his deep brown eyes I draped my arms over his shoulders. “I think we should take down the fences that connect our family ranches. Let the two largest ranches combine into an even bigger one.”

“Alissa-“

I cut him off shortly knowing how it sounded. “I know it would create a larger target on both of our families backs but we won’t be two similar families fighting against the same enemies. We’d be one big family fighting against the people who want to take our land from us. So what do you think?”

“I think that’s a great idea. But what about your father?” Kayce knits his brows together.

Laying my head against his chest Kayce kisses the crown of my head. “I’ll talk with Alana. She always convinces him.” Kayce nodded, eyeing the Livestock Badge on the foot of the bed.

His father may think that he was meant to wear the badge. In reality though the woman in his arms was made for it more than he ever could be.

He just needed to convince his father of that now that he was Governor.

[mothertoall2]

Part of Their World (RE Age Regression)

Chapter 3: First Day

Description: This story takes place in a world where Age Regression is normalized and accepted. As a child you were taken by Mother Miranda and experimented on with the T virus, after years of captivity you don't show responses to the experiments and are sent to be a maid at the Dimitrescu Castle. None of the other maids like you, and Lady Dimitrescu always keeps a close eye on you. This is a little gn reader story and if you don't like it you may respectfully leave, this is not a fetish book and is sfw, thank you and have a splendid day.

Warnings: Injury

Y/n's POV

Once everybody had left I was left alone to my room. I look around again and the dust and cobweb covered room and try to imagine how I can fix up this room. I know I won't be able to do anything about the giant hole in the roof but I can clean up the rest of the room over time. I guess I should have seen this coming when mother gave me away. Of course she would not send me to someone who would treat me how she did.

I make a mental list in my head on what I can do to fix up the room. It really needs a good dusting and I'm sure there is a village near by, I could buy some carpets and drapes for the floor and windows. While going through the list I let out a big yawn and realize that I should get some sleep before starting work tomorrow. It shocks me that I was chosen to clean the west wing which is of highest importance.

I take my bag and unpack the few items I was allowed to bring with me onto the vanity and trunk. I put my three pairs of pants into the trunk as well as your four shirts and my semi formal suit. I place my comb onto the vanity as well as my book and my glasses. I gently place the stuffed fox onto the bed under the thin blanket. I don't want anyone knowing about it, they would call me childish just as mother had.

Once I'm unpacked I decide to get some rest. I take my pajama shirt out of my bag and I put it on. I don't like sleeping in pants, it is very uncomfortable so instead I sleep in just my underwear. I neatly fold my dirty clothes onto the table and walked over to the bed. I sat onto the bed and it squeaked as I moved back the cover. I got under them and tried to get comfortable on the rock hard mattress. It didn't take long to discover that I won't be getting a nice sleep tonight.

I lay in bed and let my mind drift everything that has happened today. I lost the only person I've ever had. No. I hadn't lost her, she gave me away to be a maid. I have no sort of comfort anymore. The room I had for eighteen years is gone, the routines and structure is all gone. Before I know it I feel the tears along down my face. The warm drops of salty water drifting down onto the stained mattress until it disappears. I know that tears signify weakness but I can't stop them right now.

I let my thoughts run wild about not only the events of today but also the events of my life. I know only what I was told and shown. I have always followed all of mother's rules and expectations and I haven't disobeyed her since I was five. Even that was a big mistake and I learned from it. I did everything yet I was never enough I just don't understand.

At some point I must have cried myself to sleep because next thing I know I am woken up to a bright light shining in my eyes. I sit up and open my eyes to see the sun glaring down. By the height it is around six in the morning. Remembering everything that happened yesterday I get out of bed to be prepared. I quickly realize that I don't have a uniform and curse myself that I didn't think to ask for one.

"Finally you're awake." I hear a familiar voice suddenly speak from the corner of the room causing me to jump back and land on my butt in front of the bed. I hear a chuckle and look over to the corner to see Bela staring at me with clothes in her arms. "You scare quite easily child." She says in a amused tone and I look down feeling the embarassment turn my cheeks red.

"Here is your schedule and once you are dressed in uniform you may begin by cleaning Daniela's room and then some of the spare rooms after you finish you may explore or find something to do." I reply with a polite yes ma'am as I take the clothes from her and watch her disperse into flies and leave.

I put on the uniform and put on my shoes and quickly comb out my hair and get it out of the way. I make the bed and hide my fox under the blankets. I make my way out of the room and decide to take the long way so I don't get lost on my first day. I don't know the castle halls yet so I decide that's what I'm going to do with my free time.

I get to the stairs and decide to take two at a time to get there faster but I trip on the crack of the stone stair. I try to catch myself with my arms and instead I scrape my elbows falling down. I feel the skin break from its spot and feel the cold air against the spot. I hit my knees along the stone trying to brace myself and land at the final step on top of my arm feeling it bend in ways it shouldn't.

I hiss in pain and lay there for a moment. I slowly try to stand myself up with my arms but the pressure causes me to fall again. I feel a sharp pain in my arm and mutter a string of curses. I use my other arm to pull myself back onto my butt as I sit my legs in front of me. I slightly pull up my pants to see blood staining the inside. As the warm copper smell floods my nose I get a weird feeling. A desire, a hunger something I've never felt before.

My head shoots up as I hear someone clearing their throat. Caroline is looking down at me with an annoyed expression rolls her eyes. "S-sorry miss Caroline I fell" I say looking down. She scoffs at me before speaking up "Get off the floor you lazy brat, now I know why Miranda gave you away." Her words sting like a blade piercing my heart, maybe she's right. I know I can't cry so I get up and keep moving to the west staircase and start climbing. As I walk I can hear Caroline muttering to herself but I ignore what she's saying.

As I climb the staircase I feel my arm and I don't feel anything broken. It just hurts maybe I am being dramatic. I keep walking through the hall looking at each door, I was never told which room was Daniela's so I just am going to have to guess. As I examine each door I come across a door that has a well carved cursive D on it.

I guess this is Daniela's room. As I get there I realize that I have no cleaning supplies I don't know what to do. I was never told where it is. As I'm panicking the door opens to reveal Daniela herself. She seems confused as she looks past me around the hall until her eyes land on me. She hesitantly speaks "Come in y/n Caroline dropped off the cleaning cart already." She steps aside offering me entry to her room.

I look around the room and it looks like a hurricane ran through it. There are dresses all over the floor and stones scattered as well as multiple other items. There is plenty of dust and cobwebs covering corners and surfaces making the room seem old. I see the cart next to the door that has dusters and spray bottles of water and cloths to tidy the room.

Daniela sits on the bed as I get to work on tidying up. I start with the clothes and place them in her basket in the corner. I dust off her table and gather the cobwebs from the corner. I am working on the books case when Daniela speaks up. "Are you bleeding?" She seems curious her voice light. "No." I can hear her stand up and walk a few steps behind me. "That's a lie, try again."

I hesitate before nodding my head still not turning around. "Better. What happened?" She asks as she gently gravel my arm and sits me on her bed. "I fell down the stairs earlier." I say embarrassed and she giggles a little. "You must be careful you'll hurt yourself-" she pulls up my pant legs and grabs something from her table drawer and walks back over to me.

"You're like a bug, you're tiny and fragile so you must be careful and watch where you step." She states like it's a fact. I grumble at her calling me tiny. "I'm not tiny." She giggles again and taps my nose "You are very tiny, you're a little bug!" I glare at her trying to show her how offended I am by her words. She pulls out some cream and gently applies it to my knees before wrapping a bandage around them.

"How did you know I was bleeding?" I ask curiously as she moves to bandage my elbows. She scrunches her face as she concentrates. "Because I could smell it." I hum in response as I think about it. Once she finishes treating my scrapes I get up and finish her room. I make sure everything is organized except for the weird assortment of rocks.

"What are the rocks for?" I decide to ask he. She looks up from her book to look at me and she smiles. "Well they are minerals, I like to collect the different ones." I smile that sounds really cool, I look over at her book and look at the title 'The princess bride' I look up at her. "Is that a good book?" Her smile widens as she pats the spot on the bed next to her.

I hesitantly sit on the bed next to her and look at her. "I'll read it to you, it's one of my favorites!" She says excitedly but I remember that I have other rooms to clean. "I can't right now I have other rooms to clean." Her smile falls and she pouts at me. "Well too bad you can do that later!" She says stubbornly, I feel as though I have no say in this so I nod and get comfy. She starts reading the story next to me and I carefully listen. This feels nice, it feels right.

[the-chaotic-scilla-aster]

Cuddle Puddle

My first real one shot, A good 1550 words. Did my best to keep MC gender neutral, hope you enjoy!

Thank you, @honeybadgerdontcare394 for being my inspiration mirror and just chilling with me while I wrote this

fic inspired by this pic

MC has been haunted by nightmares of the battle with Ranrok going horribly wrong and living with the guilt of her dear friends dying due to her failure. Cue the Legacy Crew coming to the rescue.

Sitting straight up, gasping for air, I look around the dorm, trying to grasp the reality that I'm surrounded by my sleeping housemates who are very much alive and well. The inkling of my nightmare is still at the forefront of my sleep-riddled mind. Any normal person would get a drink of water and lie back down.

Yet, knowing myself, I'd have better luck roaming the halls or taking care of the beasts in my vivariums. Slipping out of bed, I put my house shoes on and quietly make my way through the common room. House-elves, animated portraits, and ghosts are the only wayfaring occupants of a sleeping Hogwarts. I make my way past the Central Hall fountain as the sound of a door opening comes from behind me. Not a moment after ducking behind a mermaid, hoping that it's not Madam Scribner or a Prefect, a certain troublesome Slytherin sneaks by.

“At this time of night, I should have known it would be you coming from the library instead of Scribner herself.” I mutter just loud enough for Sebastian to hear me. A half-hearted laugh escapes as he nearly trips from spinning around.

“I was so focused on getting back to my dorm that I didn’t even see you hiding so poorly.” The Slytherin chuckles before looking at me. “Actually, why are you awake and wandering about?”

I should have expected the big brother of my friends to pick up on anything abnormal about my own wandering schedule. “For the most part, I’m fine. Just a bit of restlessness.”

If Sebastian Sallow was good at anything mundane, it was making people fidget from his unnerving stare, which is why the water pouring from the fountain has my attention because I know he isn’t buying my lie. Along with the fact that I can’t lie to save my life when it comes to him or Ominis. Damn Slytherin boys.

“You’re having nightmares, aren't you, MC?” he sighs as the sound of feet moves, and suddenly his arm is around my shoulder, and I'm being pulled against his side.

“That’s not fair! I get that I’m horrid at lying, but Ominis can’t even see yet points it out like a sore thumb in fresh snow!” I groaned as Sebastian laughs and guides me up the stairs of Central Hall.

“Either way, I take it you’re heading to the Room of Requirement?” His smirk is annoying, and the itch to zap it off his face is enticing. Nonetheless, the warmth radiating from him settles my nerves—a further tie to the reality that not only am I, but those around me that I care about are safe and very much alive.

The walk to the Astronomy Tower was mostly a blur, save for the few ducks and dodges from a certain poltergeist. I gaze at the stairs until the darkness swallows them. “I don’t feel like being alone. I don’t think my mental state can handle it.” Turning to look at the boy next to me, his face shows an emotion that I’d seen a handful of times.

“Then you won’t be. We can make it a slumber party and invite all of our friends!” Sebastian softly declares as he takes my hand and guides me to the seventh floor of the tower. Once we stop in front of the slowly appearing door, he spins around and smiles.

Taking a step inside, I smile softly at the warmth the room gives off, a home within a home. “Deek, I know it’s late, but I could use your assistance,” I say as I round the corner, seeing the sweet house elf sweeping by the hallway. “Deek would be most happy to assist you. What is it that you need?”

“I’ll head back to my dorm and get Ominis. We’ll send owls to the rest. While we do that, you and Deek can set up however you feel is necessary.” With a smile and a nod, he’s off down the stairs.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I think that should be enough. What do you say, Deek?” I ask while looking at Merlin knows how many pillows and blankets are strewn in a somewhat organized chaos.

“Deek thinks that it looks like the perfect place to spend time with friends and take a nap.” I smile while turning around at the sound of the door opening. Ominis and Sebastian are quick to enter, and while I must say, seeing Ominis in anything but his usual tidiness is odd, it suits him nonetheless. A warm hug from the Slytherin Prince and a flick to my forehead precede Sebastian, throwing his arms over both of our shoulders.

“Is there a good reason as to why you didn’t come to either one of us, or any of your other friends for that matter, about the nightmares you’ve been having? Or do you think we don’t care or love you enough to listen and help?” His face shows all the emotions his voice doesn’t.

“Neither, nor anything. I’m sorry, but it wasn’t because I didn’t trust or think none of you cared; if anything, the exact opposite was true. I didn’t think they would last so long or begin to feel so real,” I say, looking at the floor. A burp comes from behind me, and a smile forms as I look behind me.

“Ew, Garreth! That was right next to my face!” Amit bemoans as his hand waves frantically in front of him. Poppy and Natty do their best not to laugh as they come through the door.

“We’ve got owls saying that a particular someone is in need of cheering up,” Poppy states as she comes over and hugs me. “The freaky thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your own mind. Don’t stop dreaming just because you had a nightmare.” Her embrace is warm, and I lean my cheek against the short Hufflepuff.

Natty comes over and joins in the hug, next moment I’m suddenly the center of a very large hug, laughter bubbles from my lips as I try (and fail) to wiggle around. Amit is the first to pull away and looks around “Are there enough pillows? Other than food I think we’re all set” 

I chuckle as I side-eye Garreth, who’s already eating a random muffin, an innocent smile and shrugged shoulders thrown my way before I walk around the pillows and my friends. “We can always sneak into the kitchens, that is if Amit is willing to be the lookout?” A smile and an open door are all that are needed to urge the mixed-matched group of pajama-clad students to take action. Or maybe it's the mention of food?

“Are we in agreement that if a house-elf shows up, we leave Garreth or Sebastian as the sacrifice?” Ominis snickers at the harmonized ‘hey’ as we file past the portrait. Poppy is already grabbing muffins, mini mincemeat pies, and scones. Natty is in the back by the kegs, no doubt stuffing the charmed bag she’d gotten for Christmas with the mini kegs of butterbeer. I grab a couple of apples and a basket of dinner rolls. Soon, we’re heading back to The Room.

Once back in the room, a table was placed in the center of the pillows. We slowly emptied our bags and robe pockets of the food and snacks. Natty placed two kegs in the center of the table while I conjured mugs. A glance at Deek as he came to join us at the beckoning of Natty and Poppy, and the tendrils of the once-recurring nightmares quickly faded from my mind. Laughter and chatting filled the late-hour air, shortly followed by yawns and groans of full bellies.

“Personally, I am ready to pass out. I’m not sure about the rest of you.” Amit states as a yawn escapes him. A unified agreement rings among us, and we’re quick to vanish any traces of food and drink. Natty and Garreth are quick to go curl up with Amit as they quietly chatter about odd interests. Poppy and I curl up with Sebastian laid out behind us, acting as a pillow. Ominis finds my lap once I settle myself.

I spy Deek at the steps of the hallway leading to the lower room and smile softly at him as he nods back at me, a smile of his own, as he's been a pillar of strength for me since my nightmares started. A yawn slips past my lips as my eyelids grow heavy, and the tendrils of the once-recurring nightmares quickly fade from my mind.

“There's something about kindred spirits. You meet them, and for a moment, this world—no matter how ugly—makes sense. They bring a sense of freedom and clarity to the conversation, just enough to remind you of who you are.”

I love the unexpected friendships I’ve made this year. If not for them being here, I’d have lost myself in a way no one would return from. A smile paints my face as I fall asleep, knowing I’ll never be alone.

Nikki Rowe

[magixfairyix]

Snow, Shadow, and Storm Moment

One of my favourite scenes that takes place the night after Iorda told the Winx she was becoming a witch, and after she woke up from the coma (courtesy of the Shaman Witch) where she relived all her most painful moments.

SSS taking place after season 8.

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°

Icy

I opened my eyes from my drowsy but not quite asleep state when I heard someone talking in the middle of the night—not like it was loud, I just wasn’t sleeping as well as I normally did due to the entire stit show that day and the rest of this week had been—and glanced at where Bloom’s bed was. The fairy was fast asleep.

If I was being honest, I was surprised at how quickly she was able to sleep. She was one of the most worried out of the Winx yesterday, trying to keep the peace but her eyes were always teary until Iorda woke up from the coma. I understood though. I would have also been like that if Stormy or Darcy were in the same position. 

But there was one person in particular that was the most likely to be awake.

Sighing, I pulled the covers off myself and stepped out of the bed. I didn’t want to get up, but then again, I wanted to sleep and yet my body wasn’t complying. It hadn’t been and for the past few days I had been lucky to fall asleep before midnight, and it was only 10:39pm.

Carefully to not wake Bloom, I ignored the exhaustion and walked out of the room and into the main dorm area, the place that led to the balcony that the very quiet noise was coming from. When I saw that the door to Stormy’s, Flora’s, and Iorda’s room was not completely closed I had no doubts who was awake.

I paused for a moment.

After all, it wasn't the best idea to go see if she was alright.

She relieved all her memories the day before, many of them involving my sisters and i. But a part of me wanted to reassure myself that she was fine after the no doubt mentally scarring events that was that day. Also to apologize for… everything, for how I hadn’t spoken to her pretty much at all this entire time since the Shaman Witch appeared.

... I just wanted to make sure she was alive.

I sighed before I made my way to the balcony door, noticing immediately that the door was slightly open. The curtains covering the glass inside the border of the doors were pushed to the side enough for me to see a silhouette, resting their hands against the railing.

Fuck it.

I slowly opened the door further—making sure to have it be obvious that I was walking out onto the balcony, because the last thing I wanted was to startle her knowing what happened today—and Iorda froze for a moment before relaxing, turning back to looking at the sky.

“Hey…” Iorda said tiredly.

“Hey,” I greeted, looking up at the sky—pitch black except for the expanse of stars across it, the sky so clear that if you looked hard enough you could see a bright orange star that was actually one of Andros’ moons—and praying to something out there to make this exchange go at least fine.

I walked up to the railing, keeping enough distance between Iorda and I, and rested my arms on it as the two of us kept our gazes on the forest outside Alfea’s courtyard. “I’m guessing you couldn’t sleep.”

“No, not really,” Iorda sighed before her eyes widened slightly, looking at me. “Are… you doing okay, by the way? Just because of the… memory thing.”

I paused in disbelief before glancing at her, wondering how she could ask me about that when she almost died. But I wasn’t surprised, just concerned. “I mean, it obviously wasn’t pleasant, but… I’m more worried about, well, you.”

“Because I almost died,” Iorda stated, breathing in slowly as she looked back up at the sky.

My hand gripped the railing tightly as I looked away from her. This was the first time actually having a meaningful conversation with one of the Winx besides the very brief conversation with Bloom about Diamond. It was uncomfortable.

“That, and…” I started plainly, shrugging. I was horrible at this. Even Stormy would be better at this; giving reassurance and being vulnerable. By some miracle, Iorda was less tense than I was. “Telling the Winx about changing classes went well. From what I saw.”

“It did,” Iorda agreed, voice full of exhaustion, resting her chin on the back of her hand. “I think that’s why the panic about… what happened left. It’s like my body just wants to—to forget it happened.” She breathed out shakily. “I shouldn’t be able to forget that I just died. That's not something I should just be able to ignore..."

That was something I could give advice on. Darcy would be better at talking about the almost dying trauma, but even if my half-hazard reassurance wasn’t the best. “... did your body want to forget about… dying the first time? Well… the second time.”

The first time, if I was remembering correctly, she fell into a pit and woke up with her memories temporarily taken away. That wouldn't be the best reference point if what was happening was what I thought it was. I buried the guilt at remembering the second time, when I stabbed her just after the sixth year.

“It didn’t…” Iorda answered, and what she said made me sure of what I said next.

“That’s witch magic for you,” I said plainly. Iorda glanced to her side at me with confusion and interest, so I bit down my guilt and continued. “You, deep down, want to use that experience to fuel your magic.”

Iorda shook her head to herself, turning around and leaning her back against the railing. “Last time it happened I just buried it.” She breathed out shakily. “Everything I just buried.”

“Did you ever think that’s why things never stopped weighing down on you?” I questioned matter-of-factly, looking at the trees outside of the Alfea courtyard rustling against each other. “Because you never used all those emotions for your magic that were meant to be used?”

The two of us were silent for a moment and I could tell that Iorda was thinking deeply about what I said. She probably knew about how witch magic worked considering she was at Cloud Tower for her first year—also, she was not an idiot—but it was clear from her silence and stillness that things were mentally clicking into place.

“I…” Iorda started, looking at me as she slowly breathed in and out. “Do you… think now that my witch magic is more prominent I used all those emotions without thinking? I mean, did I just absorb them automatically?”

“Probably,” I shrugged, crossing my arms calmly in front of me. “Especially if you used magic afterwards, then your magic probably decided to use those emotions as fuel without letting you bury the experience. It's natural for witches."

Iorda paused before speaking. “I attacked the Shaman Witch.”

“In your mind?” I asked, and Iorda nodded. “Then your magic would have used whatever emotion was available, and... all the other buried ones that were already there.”

“Vengeance…” Iorda said, eyes fixed at the doors back to the dorm rooms. “Towards her, the world, and myself.”

I stilled for a moment, curious. “Main emotion?”

Iorda sighed before nodding. “I… used it in the beginning. Before I started using positive emotions and ignored that it existed.”

“To be honest, that fits you,” I said without thinking. 

This conversation felt less awkward than it was when I first walked onto the balcony a few minutes ago. Iorda seemed startled at this sudden—or not so sudden—change and yet ready to accept it at the same time, and I was reminded of some of the earlier fights in year one and two when she still fought ruthlessly. 

But now that I thought about it, that never really stopped.

Iorda laughed shortly, breathing out a sigh of relief. “Thank you, and… I think it does. Using that is easier than everything else that I've forced myself to use.”

“Well, you’re a force to be reckoned with,” I said with a shrug. “I’m not surprised your emotion is something like that.”

“Thanks. Well, again,” Iorda said calmly, paying before looking back at the sky. “And… Thanks for this conversation. It helped to figure… some things out and all.”

“Anytime,” I said plainly, pushing away from the railing and starting to walk back to the door. With getting this conversation over with I could see any future ones, although they might be hesitatingly initiated, might be easier. 

“If you need any help with…” I gestured aimlessly, talking more quietly as I opened the door. “This, and all, you do have three witches in your vicinity half held here against their will. Might as well ask before this situation is over.”

“I might take you up on that,” Iorda said with a nod, smiling slightly. “I… do appreciate it.”

My hand paused on the edge of the door as I walked through the doorway, turning around one last time. There was something else I wanted to thank her for, otherwise most likely I would forget about it until dragon knows when, or things would be too urgent for a conversation.

“And I… appreciate how you helped Darcy out in Oscurita,” I said slowly, and before she could answer I gave a brief wave. “Goodnight, Iorda.”

I saw her give a small wave of her own before I turned and walked into the main dorm room, softly closing the door behind me. Through the glass I saw her silhouette turn back to the railing, looking back at the sky again. 

I shook my head to myself before beginning to walk back to mine and Bloom’s room, hoping that tomorrow would be at least better than the day before. But knowing how our luck had been so far I entirely doubted it.

[doctorguilty]

It's kinda hard to articulate concisely but to try to, it's like, in times like this when witnessing so much human suffering is overwhelming me to the point of mental collapse, how can I just keep living my life to any degree of normalcy, I remind myself it I stopped everything right now like if I just stayed in bed forever crying in complete darkness and silence forever because I feel too guilty to live, not a single person at all anywhere gets any benefit from that, nobody in the world is saved or helped. It's doing nothing.

Contributing ANYTHING at all is better than doing literally nothing, and to contribute, I do have to keep living, which includes taking care of my mental health. In a functioning state, I can share gofundme's and important news, write letters, donate money and esims, which also! I need to function in order to MAKE money that has potential to be donated and help someone, and the way I make money right now is primarily art, which means I have to keep making art. And to make art I need to be able to be awake and able to concentrate and inspired. Life HAS to keep moving on "normally" to some degree, because if it doesn't, if I just give up, there is nothing for me to contribute. And that helps nobody.

So I just don't subscribe to that "put yourself through as much mental torture as you can because other people have it worse than you and if you avoid making yourself feel terrible every day you don't care" stuff it's extremely unproductive! If you care then you must keep yourself going so you can contribute what you, personally, can. If you take a $10 commission to draw anime fanart and keep $9 for your own needs, and donate $1 to a fundraiser, you've done more than spending the day in bed scrolling horrific articles until you fall asleep crying. Remember that!

[lovesosweeet]

better left unsaid // cth

chapter thirty

in which orion has leukemia, and calum doesn’t know.

calum hood x fem!oc

read other chapters

october 2, 2018 san diego, califonia orion

When I imagined waking up in my childhood bed with the person I consider my soulmate, I never thought my stomach would be full of dread. I never imagined that it wouldn’t be a happy feeling, but instead, my entire being feels the impending heartbreak. 

I have Cal’s arms wrapped around me, him snoring quietly into my hair, and I find myself trying not to cry. The rest of the band left late last night, and Emelia went with them, taking whatever random room on the floor they have for the band and crew instead of staying here, although I did offer it to her. I don’t blame her. I’m sure she felt the weight of whatever would happen between me and Calum today and she wanted to steer clear.

I’m sure she has no idea what I’m about to do.

I don’t wake him up and try to relish the feeling of waking up next to him, but when I hear him yawn and stretch behind me, I’m relieved that our fate is bubbling to the surface, about to release. He squeezes me tighter to him once he’s awake, and it makes me feel worse. I never thought that I would wake up in his arms and not be happy about it, and yet, here I am. 

“Morning,” he says quietly. I wonder how he’s already aware that I’m awake. 

“Morning.”

I wonder if he’s able to tell how defeated I already feel.

“How’d you sleep?” He asks, and I don’t know how he’s so able to act like everything between us is normal.

I want to cry, but I try to hold it together.

“I didn’t really sleep.”

I’m exhausted. I could easily fall asleep right now under normal circumstances, but this morning is already the worst day of my life and nothing has even happened yet. 

“Orion,” he starts, trailing off. There he is. Now he feels the weight in the room, the heaviness in my chest. He’s paying attention now, and I’m both relieved and disappointed. Maybe it would have been nice to live in blissful ignorance a few hours longer, but it’s nice that I can get everything off my chest now. 

“We have to talk about it. I know it’s gonna suck but I can’t… I can’t keep sitting on it.” My words are brash, fast, and I feel his arms tense around me as I say them. 

“I know,” he breathes. His muscles unclench some, but he’s still stiff. He still knows this is about to suck.

“Do you have questions? Or do you want me to just talk?”

Without hesitation, even in his sleepiest state, he’s quick. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want you to put your life on hold.” I’m quick, too.

He sighs, and I feel like he’s saying that my answer isn’t good enough. That’s how well I know him. I can decode what the different tones of his sighs mean, and I hate it. I hate myself.

I hear him heavy breathing beside me, and I try to give him time to say more, but as his breathing turns into quiet crying, it takes so much willpower not to say anything else. 

“That wasn’t your call to make,” Calum finally says. 

His words make me want to get mad, but I know I don't have a right to be mad right now, so I swallow it and feel the words dig into my esophagus as they creep into my stomach.

“I know,” I finally say in response. It wasn’t my call. He’s not wrong. 

“So you felt like telling me in the middle of tour? Thinking that was the better time?” His tone is clipped now, and I can tell he’s not happy, but I don’t blame him. How does any of this not make someone upset?

“I wanted to wait until November,” I tell him. It’s honest. I wanted to hold onto it until it was over. I didn’t want him to have to deal with me at all. I wanted him to go on tour and have fun and come home and be with me. 

“Why didn’t you?”

“Ashton made me.” I hope, in telling him that, he hates his best friend less. 

“So I didn’t deserve to know? You just told me because he made you?”

It partially feels like he’s twisting my words, but at the end of the day, he’s right. At least, about the second half. He deserved to know, and I know that, but I didn’t want to tell him now. Deep down, I think if I could, I wouldn’t tell Calum until the day before I die. I don’t want him to live a life knowing that mine is working out the way that it is. In an ideal world, he wouldn’t have to deal with the weight of this.

If he was the one sick, I know just how crippled I’d feel by the knowledge. It would destroy me. Honestly, I think dealing with Calum being sick would hurt far more than it does to know that I am. 

“Cal, I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“No matter how you phrase it now, Orion — it fucking hurts.”

He’s right and I know he is, but I’d like to think that there’s some universe where I’m right, too.

I’m quiet then, and while I wish I could give words to what I’m thinking, I can’t. I’m just quiet, my mind racing, trying to craft exactly what I should say next.

“I can’t do this to you,” I finally say. I’m crying — sobbing — now, and I feel like I’m gasping for air. 

I feel Calum pull back with confusion, and it hurts to know what I mean. He would never predict what I’m going to say. I don’t think anyone could. Even yesterday, I don't think that even I could have predicted that my mind would be where it is right now. I would’ve never imagined feeling how I do, but now that I do, I don’t know how else to deal with everything.

“Calum, I don’t think we should be together.”

As soon as the words escape me, I shrink into myself. I cry. I cry a lot. The sobs shake through me and I can’t stand the way I feel. I can’t stand knowing what I’m doing to him. Calum’s silence isn’t unpredictable. He’s not a rash person. He’s thoughtful, and I imagine that he’s mulling everything I’ve said over and over in his head and trying to figure out how to answer.

“What… what do you mean?” He asks. He gives me a chance to correct, to fix it all, to act like I hadn’t just said what I did. But I did say it. I meant it. I meant it with everything in me, even if it hurts.

“I can’t do this to you.”

He’s silent then, and I guess I take it as a sign to continue, because I do. 

“I don’t want you to face the hospital every week and be reminded of how hard things are. I don’t want you to deal with this, with me. I can’t watch you fall apart like this. I just can’t. I can’t watch you watch me die. It’ll kill me faster than anything else ever could.”

“Oh, so you’re just shutting me out completely?” He asks it with a sarcastic flair to his tone, but it doesn’t need to be like that. He’s right. Even if he doesn’t think he is, he’s completely right.

“Yeah, if you want to say it like that, that’s what I’m doing.”

I don’t view it as shutting him out, really. The truth is, I’m sparing him. I’m helping him get through this life less scathed by unfortunate circumstances. 

“You can’t just break up with me because you don’t want me to quit the tour.”

I don’t know how we have made it this far into the conversation without so much as looking at each other, but his latest words force me to my feet. I kick off the blankets and hurl my body to my bedside, standing with my feet off the bed on the hardwood floor. I feel like now I have to look at him. He has to see my eyes and see how serious I am.

“I’m breaking up with you to protect you,” I whisper to him, angrily. Even though my tone is malicious, I have tears streaming down my face in thick ribbons, small rivers carving into my cheeks.

Calum sits up then. He’s not crying, but he’s on the verge of it. He looks more annoyed than anything. “What if I don’t let you?” His tone is somehow neutral. He’s calm about it and I hate it. It feels like what I’m saying just doesn’t matter to him.

“That’s not how breakups work!”

“Too bad, Orion. I’m not going to let you push me away when all I want is to spend as much time with you as I can. I’ve already missed my chance to be there for you these past two months and that’s on you. If I don’t get to be there for you now, that’s on me and I can’t do that to you.” 

“I don’t want you to be there for me.” I lie. It’s a boldfaced lie.

“You can’t just say that and make it true!” He yells it, undoubtedly waking up anyone who’s in my house if they weren’t already awake. He knows I’m lying and I hate it. 

“Calum, I’m sorry, but I can’t be with you anymore.” I have to look away from him, continuing to cry puddles and puddles of tears. “I can’t do this to you.”

Calum is standing now, next to me, his strong arms wrapping around me and pulling me into him. I feel swallowed by him. I want to fight my way out of the cocoon but I can’t. “Stop, okay? I want to be with you through this. I love you.”

His words cut like a knife into my chest and I start thrashing my limbs, trying to wrestle my way out of his grasp. “Calum, I can’t.” I keep wriggling, needing to get away from him. If I stay in his arms, I know I’ll break down. I won’t be able to break up with him. I won’t be able to save him if I stay in his arms. I have to save him from myself. I can’t let him have to go through with watching me die. I don’t want to break him.

All he does is hold me tighter.

I break down in his arms, sobbing and making horrible sounds of agony. I don’t want him to have to see this, either, but he’s here and he won’t let go. I don’t know what’s worse: knowing that I’ll die soon, or knowing how badly it would hurt Calum if he stayed with me. He can’t stay with me. I need him to leave me. There’s nothing I wouldn’t give right now to have him leave. I need him to get out while he can.

I need him to cope with a breakup, not with my death.

“You have to leave,” I tell him with a shaky voice. The words are nearly unintelligible, but I know he hears me.

“I’m not leaving,” he says, voice firm.

“You have to.”

“I won’t. Not now, not ever.”

“I’m telling you. You have to leave, Cal.”

“O, I’m not—”

I don’t know where the strength comes from, but I finally manage to free myself from his hold and take five steps away from him. 

“I need you to leave.” My voice doesn’t sound like my own. It’s cold and harsh and sharp.

Calum stares at me blankly, and I think he finally realizes just how sure and serious I am. There’s no use in trying to change my mind. He has to go. This has to be the end for us. It has to be. I need to know that he can go back to his life without me, and the only way that will work is if we end things now. 

We stare at each other for a few minutes, salty tears pouring down both of our faces. I never thought there’d be a day that Calum and I broke up, but it’s here, and it hurts just as much as I could’ve expected. 

No — it hurts worse.

He searches my face for any signs of change of heart.

“You’re sure this is what you want?”

I nod. “I’m sure.”

He shakily breathes in and out.

“I don’t want to go, but I will. I just need you to know, without a doubt, this is not what I want. I want you. I’ve always wanted you and I always will. I love you.”

His words hurt. They’re words anyone else in my shoes would want to hear, but nobody else, in my shoes, would be pushing him away. This conversation wouldn’t happen for anybody else. I’m an anomaly. I know it won’t make sense to anyone else. No one will agree with me. No one will think that I should’ve done what I’m doing right now. 

I want to tell him that I love him. I do. Of course I love him. That will never change and I know that. I’m sure he knows that deep down, too. When I don’t say anything in response to him, he takes a few more moments to stare at me and search my face for any other signs of things to say, and then he breaks our staring contest. He quickly walks across the room, grabbing the handful of items he had brought with him and shoving them in his pockets. He throws on a shirt and grabs his shoes from the floor. 

“I’ll call an Uber,” is the last thing he says before opening the door to my bedroom.

“Cal,” I find myself saying, and he stops in his tracks immediately. 

He stares back at me, pain written all over his face, eyes red and puffy, lips chapped, and wet cheeks. He has a glimmer of hope in his eyes at the thought of me stopping him, but I extinguish that just as quickly as it appeared.

“I’m sorry.”

And then he’s gone, ripping my heart from my chest as he leaves.

read next chapter

a/n: idk if y'all saw that one coming and I'm sorry :')

[polyamorouspunk]

I dunno if it’s the same thing or even comparable but I’ve been in a weird fugue for months and the past three days I’ve felt alarmingly normal and I feel a weird type of dread like I’m gonna stop being normal and go back into the swamp soon if that makes sense?

As someone who has been burnt out for months from lack of employees at my store I def get the whole like… living through a haze thing? Like wake up go to work come home watch YouTube go to bed rinse and repeat… especially with having chronic fatigue already like just wandering around yawning constantly wanting to take a nap then you get home and you’re not tired so you stay up until 1am and then you’re tired the next day like. It’s a lot? Like I’m going to have chronic fatigue every day but there are certainly some days I feel more “awake” and “normal”. Like when I go to VA Beach by myself I go out to the beach, I go to the mall, I go walk around, like I almost feel like a normal person!!! But then there’s me today at work and I’m standing over this framing piece and I’m yawning, there are times I’ll have to take a break from working and put my head down and just keep my head down for a few seconds and like…. relax, recover, and reset before I keep working. And same with like IBS some days I can eat whatever I want and some days I literally can only eat like 3 things and it feels like there’s no rhyme or reason to it.

For me with the bpd I’ve been good since “sorting things out” with one girl I have a crush on (🔮) and then just trying to drop shit with the other girl I have a crush on (⚡️), and I was doing good and not being super symptomatic until I actually hung out with ⚡️ for the first time Sunday and like… I REALLY feel like we had some sort of chemistry and I’m trying to treat it as nbd but now I’m back to checking my IG for a message back from her constantly after last week I had finally made myself stop because I knew she wasn’t going to message me back. Like I feel like I undid all the work I did to move on.

[goblin-enjoyer]

Probably should have stated this sooner but I kinda accidentally slept till 5 pm today(yesterday technically but eh i kinda put off making this post) and I am going to try and stay awake until the next night tomorrow (today). the only way to fix this sleep schedule in the making is to brute force myself to the point where I HAVE to sleep at a normal time. trying to go to bed before my body's ready just causes me to sit around in my bed for several hours until it feels like sleeping, sleep medication only works if go well over the intended dose and even then it barely effects me and while writing this I just realized that I could have put an alarm so I don't oversleep again but I hate alarms and in typical my brain ™ fashion I have already said I was going to do a thing and now I gotta do that thing until I can't do that thing any more or until it is done. and I am really tempted to just cut my losses and set up the alarm and go to bed. this post was originally going to ask for help keeping sane and awake for this punishment of my own making but in typing this out to post it actually got me somewhat out of this mental autism brained prison. I feel my shackaling to my own orders loosening as I find another way and as I dump these thoughts on tumblr. wow so that's the use of tumblr huh? zog me does this feel good. I feel free like the genie at the end of aladdin! the .5 gits who would actually bother to read this crabp don't realize the significance of this. All my life I have been imprisoned by stupid orders from long ago that my robot bloody zoggin brain doesn't realize aren't rules like gravity where you have to obey them or else you shut down. it's why I can't watch streams because if I get caught in a bit, I will be stuck in that bit until someone tells me to stop. It's happened before, I got so tired from doing it that at the end I was internally begging for someone to put me out of my misery so I wouldn't have to do it anymore. when a mod finally told me to stop, I don't even remember if i said "thank you" before i quickly turned off the sleep and went to pass out from overexertion. I will have to research this method of "internal law breaking" later because im trying to get better at being a person and its kinda hard to do that when you are running off of decade old rules for specific things like an ancient construct still doing the same task for 10,000 years because their long dead creator never told them to stop or do something else before dying. i'm going to set that alarm and get a sweet 5 hours of sleep (10:00) as the call of these new quality pajamas i got for christmas that i've been wearing all day (and the reason I slept to 5 pm) is getting me good. I swear 3rd most comfortable thing in recent memory. 2nd is when I went to sleep in my robe without my fan on a nice post christmas gift opening morning with a sunbeam directly on me. 1st are/is that/those dream/s when I was in a maid dress, (slashes are because i cant remember if i had more than one because thinking about it may or may not have caused more dreams about it) though that might be cheating as in a dream, all feeling is simulated by the brain, so it could recreate any feeling it wanted to at levels impossible in real life, with no issue. If dreams weren't just shuffled up brainwaves that happen when the body is in rest mode, id think this was a very unsubtle message about transing my gender or something. like brain I get it, Im probably transgender in some way shape or form, I don't heavily dislike being called a man in specifics and despise body hair growing on me to the point of wanting to remove my flesh for no reason. but can you like wait until im 25 or something? I don't really feel like a fully formed adult yet (nor do I feel like a youthful individual. I feel like having the only real consistent social interaction you do be with people double your age will do these kinda things to you as well as just being 20 in general) and I don't know enough about all the rules and junk about it all to make any big decisions. guess its just more envy 4 me

[1310miles]

Forty Six

It’s not my style to feel confident going into a race. I never like to think about doing extraordinarily well because there are so many factors that can interfere. I have secret thoughts about going fast, but I rarely say them out loud. For this race though, I was feeling like everything was in place to do really well. I was running fast in training, I had built so much muscle strength, and the racecourse looked challenging but not torturous. 

I told a few of my friends that I was thinking I might get a personal record (PR) and they agreed it looked possible. That was until I dropped my outdoor garbage cart (full) on my foot and thought I broke it only four days because the race. It hurt so bad in the night that I was awake in agony. I tried to run the next morning and couldn’t even take three steps. I was in panic mode, but thankfully after a day of rest and ice, it recovered. Would it be ok for 26.2 miles though?

With good training in my corner, I decided to dial in my nutrition for the race to give me another advantage toward a PR. In my history, I haven’t ever specifically carb loaded. I have always just eaten my normal diet before a race, believing that my normal diet had enough carbs. Recently though, I had been eating high protein and fewer carbs, so I thought this would be a good moment to give it a try. Beginning three nights before the race, I switched to heavy carbs, trying to get almost 140 grams of carbs per day. It was insane the number of bagels I ate. I was a little sick of myself.  

Carbs in tow, I headed to Connecticut. A quick trip of only one night, seeing that I had spent time in the area when I ran the New Hampshire race. Travel was very easy, and I in fact took a bus from the airport for the least expensive commute ever! My hotel was beautiful, a boutique converted building. I had a fireplace and seating area, and it was just gorgeous. I made the kids jealous when I sent a photo of my set up. I did my shake out run by visiting the Mark Twain house and getting a preview of the start and finish area, and then did some window shopping before eating my pre-race pizza and going to bed. 

In the morning, I grabbed Starbucks and walked just a few blocks to the starting area. I tried the portapotties several times, but I just wasn’t having the ���success” I wanted to have. That makes me nervous, but you can’t force some things, ya know. As I was redressing from one visit, I ripped the pins out of my race bib that was attached to my shorts. I couldn’t reattach the pins, so I had to be ok with my bib flapping in the wind with only two pins attached. 

I was assigned to Corral C and there were people being very careful to check anyone who entered. I really wanted to be in Corral B with the 3:30 pace group, but I couldn’t sneak in. Thankfully, right before the race started, they dropped the dividers and I was able to snake my way up and start with them. 

I fell into pace with that group, and listened to them introduce themselves and hear the group leaders’ theories on race pace. They planned on banking a few seconds in the beginning to make up for a slower pace at the end, which seemed fine with me. I planned to stay with them, but by mile 2 I could tell that they just weren’t going to run at the speed I was feeling comfortable with. I pulled ahead slightly, and as we went past the Mark Twain house and hit the first hills at miles 2.5 and 5 I was feeling very smooth. 

I don’t know when I realized it, but I was not looking at my watch for my pace. I was feeling so good, and I knew I was ahead of the 3:30 group, so I decided that I should keep not looking at my watch until it was absolutely necessary. Looking was either going to make me nervous about a slow pace or nervous about a fast pace. I knew when I was hitting the miles from the course marking and my watch alerts, so I figured there was nothing to gain from the extra information. 

Since I had carb loaded intentionally, I also decided to fuel during the race with more intention. I usually do 3 gus, one every 7 miles or so. For this race, I decided to do a gu every 4 miles. It felt like a lot, but I didn’t take any Gatorade, only water, so it was less sugar on my stomach. I couldn’t feel it at the time, but I do think this kept my energy at a very even level.

The weather was cooperating nicely too! I had a long-sleeved shirt on, but I started feeling like it was constraining me and that the sun was going to get hotter as the race progressed. I decided to take it off, but I didn’t really want to lose it. Around mile 8 we came back through the downtown Hartford area, which is where we would finish, so I decided to hide my shirt behind a sign and hope it was there when I came back. 

As we went through downtown, a woman running near me introduced herself and said we looked like we were running about the same pace. I agreed and we chatted a little, but that was going to be enough for me. I never want a race “buddy” because I need to run my pace. I think she was different though, because after some silence she said to me “does it help you to talk?” I had to reply that sadly it doesn’t, and that was the end of our relationship. 

We had gone west first, then back east, and out of the city we headed north. I crossed the half marathon mark and glanced at my time. I have a good benchmark from a half marathon I did in March that I ran at 8 minute per mile pace, which is my best race ever. I was really pleased to be running faster than that, but I figured I would slow down since that was just for half a race. 

Continuing north, we began to run parallel to the course returning to the south. I was seeing the leaders and the runners who were ahead of me. I started thinking that they didn’t look that much faster than me! Soon we would be hitting the 18-mile turnaround to head south ourselves. I was looking forward to that so I could get an idea of where the 3:30 pace group was. I sensed they were gaining on me because I heard a loud boisterous group. 

Well, I turned and found that it wasn’t them, it was just two loud guys. So I kept running south with my eyes on the other side of the street waiting to see the pace group. I couldn’t believe I was so far ahead of them. It was a solid five minutes before I saw them, and that’s the point that I knew I was going to PR. 

I still hadn’t looked at my watch, and I promised myself I wouldn’t until mile 23. Mentally, I started to struggle to hang on to my pace, but physically I was still feeling great. I was pushing myself to look ahead, never at the ground, so I could keep propelling forward. Finally, I hit mile 23 and I looked, and my pace was around 7:45 per mile. I was in shock. I had never run close to that speed! This gave me a huge boost but also daunted me to finish the last three miles strong. 

All was well until mile 25, where we took a sharp turn to the right and then left and headed up a hill. Two things went wrong. One, my right leg seemed to pull or cramp along the inside of my calf by my ankle. It felt weak all of a suddenly, like I couldn’t pick it up. Not so great for bounding up the hill. The second issue was that a group of women jumped into the race right behind me to “help” their friend finish. They had WAY too much energy and “positive vibes.” I wanted to home in and focus on my race, and they were so distracting. Their friend was struggling too, and it just made me feel worse that they were being so falsely optimistic. 

My leg was killing me, and I frankly wasn’t sure I could hobble to the finish. My pace went above 8 minutes per mile for the first time all race. But I pushed on, wincing with each step. Somehow, I pull through the finish line with a time of 3:25, which was 8 minutes better than my previous best (on a downhill marathon). I was in shock and on an extraordinary runner’s high. It was the most unbelievable accomplishment I’ve made as a runner. I asked a few people to snap my photo and send it to me, then I went to retrieve my shirt, which was still there! I spent the rest of the day texting friends to brag about my time! Everyone was so happy for me. 

[pretentiousliterata]

A Letter From Me to You

~I've lost a fragment of my soul...~

I know it's not the end of the month. I know I came rambling a few weeks ago but here I am again... since I'm not sure if this particular newsletter will trigger anyone, let me tell you beforehand it'll talk about the passing of a loved one and depressive thoughts overall.

Normally I don't share personal stuff through social media. Not even in my personals. I enjoy doing things without showcasing it to the world because I found joy in the "living the moment" kinda thing, but this is a new situation and probably more than sharing, is finding an answer on when does it get better.

Before September ended, I had given myself the mission to post the newsletter to keep the commitment. I wasn't in the mood because I had a hectic weekend. My mum was really sick, the kind of sickness which keeps you awake at night in order to help if anything happens. I knew this was something different, I should have gone with my gut but I didn't push enough. However, what happened cannot be changed, no matter how much I think about it.

October 3rd, a day everyone knows well either because of Mean Girls or FMA, will be also the day I suffered the loss of my life: my beloved mum, the woman who did not give me birth but took me as her daughter for all my existence, passed away after battling against her body. It was a short battle, a painful one sadly.

Given that my mum was 96 (I feel the need to explain quickly the situation to avoid confusion: my mum= my granny. Again, the woman took care of me since I was a baby, so normally I think of her as my mother), the idea she was going to leave eventually was already in my head. For years, I told myself I was going to be ready because I was happy to have celebrated her life and the years we spent. But now that this happened, I realize I was never ready. I don't think anyone is ready to suffer such loss.

I've been in a state of numbness well known before, but also, very different. Days with lots of tiredness, days when I can't sleep normally, days in which I'm sick to the bone. It's been so short time but as time progresses, the sense of loss it's getting deeper in my bones and the harder it gets, the more emotions come and they left me wondering of all the what ifs.

One thing's for sure: I wish I could have said more. One of the things I hate the most of me is I don't use spoken words in the hardest moments. I remain silent while my heart aches to act recklessly and say everything it wants to. That's why I feel more comfortable writing long verses or, well, long letters. And while I'm thankful to a certain extent she didn't die alone, as I was the one who saw her in her final hour, I wish I had hugged her in her hospital bed regardless of the safety code you're supposed to have in ICU areas (yours truly is a healthcare worker and is afraid of messing with stuff). All of my regrets are really pushing hard and while I know it will take a while, the question lingers: when does it get better?

I guess in time I'll know.

For now, I want to honor her memory by dedicating her my debut novel. She knew about it and saw a lot of the process, she was happy when I told her I had finished a full draft and got surprised to see how big it was when I printed the first draft. The problem is I'm struggling with writing, because my heart's in it but my mind is not.

I've been trying to come back to things that make me happy but I can't find them for now. They help, but they can't fill the void inside my chest. And it's painful to feel like this.

So, that's pretty much what I have to share. I wish I could say something better but October is certainly the month in which anything can happen. It was already both a happy and sad month: happy because I celebrate my debut as a published author, but sad because it is also the month of my sister's passing, and now, my mum's.

So for now, I guess all I can ask is wish me luck. I do need it.

Until next time, folks. And hopefully with bright things to share.

I'm sorry this newsletter wasn't as cheerful as the previous ones.