#to her. something to ironically hope for
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Kicking my feet and twirling my hair as I read Makoto's comments whenever he inspects something. Also my god he wants to destroy the cameras so badly. LET HIM
#ooc ramblings.#alex replays danganronpa //#i wouldn't be surprised if he has a full-on chair moment but with a camera (those who know tsukihime understand)#also random thought as I play through the game: isn't it interesting and ironic that Makoto in a way became Junko's hope?#tag essay coming up LMFAO#what she wants most of all is something unpredictable; it's why she dove right into the chaos of what she considers despair.#how she can predict and analyze everything perfectly drove her to be bored beyond belief. but there is an exception to that: Makoto and his#luck. and it's specifically Makoto's luck-- Komaeda's luck for example is comprehendable to her. but not the giganormie's#he's the ultimate wild card. it's not that he had an absolute chance of foiling her plans as much as she just had no clue what would happen#with him in the mix and she kept him around because of that possibility/unknown. to Junko Makoto is THE unknown and unpredictable future#and the idea of him foiling her plans would bring her despair. an incredible despair. and she loves despair so that's just a positive#to her. something to ironically hope for#man. Junko is just a fantastic antagonist and her dynamic with Makoto is so fascinating! I love her
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hiya! re: coraline telling wybie about the other mother, in your opinion/in your version of the story did coraline actually go through that as a child or do you see it more of a trauma response to cope with moving and an unhappy family life? like was it all real or did she imagine that as a means of escapism?
Hi! I know there's a popular theory that Coraline did actually imagine alot of it as a means of escapism. It's a cool theory! I'm surprised no one's made a gritty angsty fic on it.
But in my project her experiences were very real ☺️
#kittchats#I think people assuming she trauma processed something as a child is what adds to her self doubt in later years#Like - what if they're right and I just blotted something bad out?#- I can't talk to normal people about this they're going to end up admitting me somewhere.#- This is all stuff Wybie's grandma went through as a child but she didn't have a potential support system at hand.#Which is ironically now her grandson for Coraline.#I REALLY hope I'm able to communicate this in the comic 🥹
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[insert witty one-liner]
#pokemon#pkmn#art#pkmnart#pokemon mystery dungeon#pmd#purrloin#pokemon oc#pmd oc#oc tag#may have gone a little too overboard with this one ^^;;#anyways have a kibby! she's had a very very small redesign#hoping to do something more with her in the future#edit: move is iron tail btw!#(oc) vex
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do you think vinh was actually in love with safi? i know he starts doubting that he ever was in chapter 5, but if he wasn’t actually in love what do you think his true feelings for her were? emotional attachment maybe? on safi’s side, i think it’s interesting how even after knowing about vinh’s statement about maya she still decides to hook up with him for a time (only to eventually stop sometime prior to the game?? maybe they had another falling out idk). their relationship in general is just very fascinating to me lmao.
god, the safi-vinh dynamic is certainly one filled with intrigue because of all the intense emotions attached to the people within it ; aimed at each other and also at the bystanders whom haunted around their not so defined relationship. there’s just so much baggage attached to them, you know? mostly painful things and a general sense of betrayal or regret, creating a potion of this general wishy washy bullshit that’s hard to parse through … more so in safi’s case than vinh’s, but i’ll touch upon that later! as for your question about vinh and his true feelings, well.
maybe he was in love with safi once upon a time. maybe the fact he believed that he was in love with her is really all that matters. i suppose it depends on what your definition of romantic love and utter devotion is. it’s undeniable he cared fiercely for safi, enough so to become jealous of max ( safi’s object of obsession ), swear off serious relationships in hope she’d want him back, and to engage in a general meddling within her life to make sure she comes out of situations as unscathed as possible. i mean, he schemes to steal a cow skull and then proceeds to throw it through her windshield in an attempt to save yasmin’s and safi’s relationship … it is very extra of him to do, in fact it’s a literal crime, and the game has both max and safi acknowledge the intensity of said action in episode four. we see the memory of the hedgehog he proudly displays on his desk, the carelessness in which safi treats it, her ‘i’ll buy you another one if it breaks’, and how vinh simpers beneath that offer because he doen’t want a new one, he wants this one, the one safi gave him : a gift that was likely unprompted, some sort of surprise maybe, given to him on a whim and cherished better than any other possession he owns. we also see how he breaks it when she dies. then there’s photos upon photos of safi on his phone and it’s implied he takes pictures after they sleep together and -- that isn’t even touching upon how he practically gives up on himself after her death. the mask drops, he starts trying to branch out and find acting gigs elsewhere, wanting to leave caledon forever, and there’s a sense of raw anger and loneliness he feels when she’s gone. he stops hooking up and pushes everyone away besides max, whom he clings to, and it’s a lot, right? there’s love there. obsession, probably. in many ways he’s still the ‘puppy’ following safi around like gwen said, only without maya this time. he waits and stews and he wants, certainly, for her to love him … but was it purely romantic love? who’s to say!
i think vinh wanted safi as his girlfriend before, maybe when things weren’t so tense, and he still believed that fiercely even when he stopped wanting it. i don’t think he knew where his feelings started to dwindle into something less excited and more resigned, or when he started looking for someone else. his priority remained with safi and with yasmin and thus there wasn’t a lot of time to dissect his heart, a rather vulnerable act he already struggles with anyway. he’s a repressive sort of man. he doesn’t do a lot of introspection because he has an act to maintain, a reputation to follow. but i do believe that by the time double exposure takes place, vinh’s love for safi has indeed shifted because his attraction to max veers on something that isn’t purely sexual. there is an undeniable interest, both in dead and living world, that he’s either embracing or squirming away from … i do not think vinh had many crushes at all when he was in love with safi. i don’t think he allowed himself that luxury, because he didn’t want to move on from her, or put himself off the market in case she wanted him again, in bed or in some profound, loving sense. lots of waiting. lots of surrendering, ‘she’ll come around, we’ll make up’, and hoping despite himself. so his romance with max proves to me that vinh is somewhat right in saying ‘or i thought i was’ when talking about safi and being in love with her, because he was before, but he isn’t exactly in love with her now, if that makes sense? i’d say an emotional attachment is a good title for what they have by the time of the games events.
( i do not wish to diminish vinh’s feelings, but i also think there’s a case to be made that he was rather desperate when he thought himself in love with safi ; there was a lot of insecurity within him back when he was a student, weighed down by the fact he was poor and not your standard run-of-the-mill white man … as an adult he scoffs at his acting abilities and wields his power as head of abraxas with a rather tight fist, as though it’s the only control he’s ever had before. it’s rather clear his only two friends were safi and maya and that vinh hasn’t had any since them -- was desperate to stay on their heels despite the fact he was never really apart of whatever they had. it’s not a stretch to speculate that vinh was, perhaps, a cocktail mix of loneliness and desperation rather than strictly in love with safi. maybe confused his all-consuming need to be around her as desire, or maybe just enjoyed feeling wanted by safi enough to mix his wires. after all, why was it safi he was in love with and not maya? vinh also uses sex as a means of coping, as seen by his rather active sex life in game via hookup apps and reggie, so maybe his sex with safi was just that. coping. in it’s own way. regardless, he did love her, or so he thinks so, and to me i think that’s enough, speculation aside )
safiya’s side of things is much more difficult than vinh’s, who is more obvious about his feelings towards her than he thinks he is. there are some brief contradictions, like how it’s stated that safi doesn’t care for vinh ( which is true ) and yet she also acknowledges that when she split apart and lost herself, all that was left of her was moses, lucas, gwen, and vinh. we know that moses and gwen matter to safi, or mattered, and that at one point safi might’ve admired lucas … so where does that leave vinh? if she doesn’t hate him like gwen or lucas now, and if she doesn’t cherish him like moses or max, why is he still apart of her? what does that mean? is it just a metaphor for their times with maya, and how safi will always be connected to that past with vinh because of her love for the caledon’s personal dead girl? was her sleeping with vinh about maya too? or did she actually care for vinh once, albeit weakly and casually, and did that fleeting moment of affection count when she vanished into everyone who’s ever thoroughly affected her life? and, as you said, it’s so fascinating that she hooks up with vinh at all post maya death … it feels strange and odd and unlike her. even in their intimate picture together after fooling around she is nothing but angry, disinterested, her underwear and bra are already back on ( if they were ever off at all? ) and while that’s on account of safi just hating photos, i also think it’s a testament to how irritable she finds vinh’s presence when stuck in it. it’s not a happy photo really, even vinh’s expression is a little red-eyed, forced, like he was likely wasted the night prior. i wouldn’t be surprised if safi was only able to be with vinh if she was … you know … literally out of her mind drunk or high or what have you.
though, that’s just speculation of course. my vague take on things is that safi went to vinh whenever she was partied out or if she was feeling particularly destructive that day ; choked with self loathing over her mom or maya and so sex with vinh was a means for her to feel even worse. some sort of self harm, some sort of outlet where she could be particularly cruel and evil without consequence, because vinh would take it and roll over -- could even be her way of controlling things too, like vinh with abraxas, because we know vinh has no issues with being led around in the bedroom, so that’s some food for thought. i don’t think she thinks about it after or remembers it much … she really doesn’t think about vinh unless it suits her or if she needs to. i always notice how, in episode four, safiya immediately knows what max is talking about when she asks if safi’s ever transformed into amanda, gwen, or lucas. she owns up immediately, confesses, and understands intimately what situation max is referring to. but when max asks about vinh and the phone, there is a brief moment where safi just stares blankly at her -- like she’s thinking about it, like she doesn’t even remember, before it finally clicks after a beat. either she wears vinh’s metaphorical skin a lot ( which, to be fair, she does pretend to be vinh a lot in game ) or she literally thinks of him so little she’ll forget everything about him in minutes. both are likely! she doesn’t even recall what type of alcohol he likes, calling it bougie japanese brandy ‘or whatever’ … and can’t be assed to remember his phone’s pin number exactly, only vague details about a magician scientist that she clearly thought was boring and lame when vinh told her said story, if her hostility and complete forgetfulness is anything to go by. for me, it’s easy to get caught up in a ‘safi did care! she had to!’ angle about vinh, although the game repeatedly shows you over and over again that she does not. she doesn’t even care that max kissed him really, if anything, she’s more jealous of vinh being with max given some of her remarks :
( i know, technically, safi’s ‘come again?’ is more nervous than jealous per se … but there is a certain air to it, especially given the ‘i can be your new boyfriend’ comment as seen above lol. if she loves max and doesn’t care for vinh, i can only imagine how she’d feel about their romance in particular! )
and, of course, there’s that part in episode four where safi can disguise herself as vinh in order to tear lucas a new one. i enjoy that part for many reasons! seeing how safi feels so much more comfortable in someone else’s skin than her own is fascinating and makes for good foreshadowing … but there is also the reveal of her opinions on vinh, unabashed and shameless, when she is finally giving him an ounce of thought :
it’s interesting! she doesn’t care for him, really, doesn’t loathe him like lucas or gwen or her own mother, but there’s a level of vitriol regardless. she thinks him fake. she thinks him a coward. she thinks he’s scared of facing consequences and that he only acts in his own self interest and she hates every bit of that. while safi can confess to doing maya wrong and hating herself for it, she never allows vinh that same courtesy. even says as much to max, claiming that only she had the humanity to regret her choice while vinh apparently didn’t. and yet … she doesn’t hate him? doesn’t feel strongly towards him? he’s still apart of her, a large part, and she can get along with him fine on crosstalk if she so pleases and she can hate his guts but, when the raw truth is revealed, she apparently feels nothing towards him at all? it is fascinating to think about is all. how she doesn’t wish him dead but doesn’t care if he’s alive either despite everything they’ve been through, even though she hates gwen and lucas and her mother more. it’s rather mean, though that’s what makes it so complex and interesting. it shows that safi only ever cares ( and oh, does she care fiercely, obsessively ) for a very slim group of people, and that when push comes to shove, everyone else can fend for themselves for all she cares. she would protect moses and max in a heartbeat, without thought, and the piece of her within them tries valiantly to keep them safe by locking them away from the world ( another thing to dissect, certainly! ), but she doesn’t really extend such empathy towards the innocents caught in her crossfire. she may be tormenting lucas and gwen specifically, but everyone else was going to be collateral damage and safi was fine with that. at least a little bit. vinh falls in that category of inevitable damage, i think, despite their closeness and despite their history, and you can tell that’s what really wounds him at the end of things. safi couldn’t even torment him, didn’t have the want or energy to do so, he was valiantly apart of her and safi didn’t even care about that. very interesting! it’s also heartbreaking in many ways to see two people who should’ve been able to lean on each other, who should’ve loved one another, be nothing but strangers at the end of things. an example of how tragedy doesn’t always bring people closer. sometimes it drives you worlds apart from the one you should be grieving with, which can be seen in other life is strange games, most notably with chloe and joyce, i think.
anyway! tldr : it’s complicated and worth exploring. there are many ways you can interpret their relationship and i highly encourage everyone to find what angle is most interesting to them! and i don’t blame you for finding their dynamic fascinating because it’s easily one of my favorites in double exposure … i don’t think of it often, but it’s always lingering in the back of my mind. regardless, i hope this word vomit is helpful! if i brought up more questions than answers, i do apologize. but thank you so much for such a fun question <3 it was an absolute blast, and tickled my brain enough to pump this out asap.
#my asks.#life is strange double exposure#vinh lang#safiya llewellyn fayyad#ohhhh these two. THESE TWO!!!! i genuinely have no clue what’s going on with them#but there’s a palpable sense of pain no matter how you swing their dynamic and i love it#lots of yearning and dismissal and an ache you know? hate. betrayal. love. obsession …#you could name the feelings between them but putting an actual label on things is what’s most difficult#which. ironically. fits their relationship in its entirety haha#many thoughts and feelings — i just hope this captures even a sliver of them anon!!!#i will also say i tentatively think safi and vinh slept together before maya’s death at LEAST one time#because that makes sense as to why safi would be more inclined to do it again. even after#i also think she stopped after max came into the picture. as vinh words it ‘she was obsessed’ with max#and never stopped talking about her … so i think she stopped with vinh entirely. she’s so far up max’s ass she stops having time for him#or something like that. lol#ANYWAY! i do think vinh loved safi and i do think four years ago safi at least cared for vinh#but she certainly doesn’t anymore. and though he’ll always love her i don’t think it’s romantic anymore either#that’s my take!!! as bland as can be!!!!#thank you sm again !!!
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“The Past is Present,” Phases of the Moon Knight (Vol. 1/2024), #3.
Writer: Justina Ireland; Penciler and Inker: Daniel Bayliss; Colorist: Dee Cunniffe; Letterer: Cory Petit
#Marvel#Marvel comics#Phases of the Moon Knight#Moon Knight comics#latest release#Moon Knight#Marc Spector#Hunter’s Moon#Ellie Johnson#Khonshu#tw blood#cw blood#Spector’s a specter (for real this time and not just in the I feel undead sense)#it’s reminding me a bit of when Iron Heart had that Tony Stark AI#although can I just say I love the weaponry#and how the gash on her head translates to the crescent moon marking on her face in costume#she also reminds me a bit of Niecy from that one extra with Blade back in vol. 9 (that would be a powerful team-up)#and then there’s poor Marc continuing to roam the mortal plane and witness Khonshu continue to manipulate hurting people#but the least Marc can do is try to help/pass on his knowledge (even if it’s cautionary words about how this is a choice#that may haunt Ellie even after she becomes something that haunts)#fascinating the parallels between Marc at the foot of Khonshu’s statue and Ellie outside the MK costume’s case#gives a bit of a hope that where Marc mainly had Khonshu trying to influence him#at least Ellie will have a slightly better influence/guide in Marc
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finished the show!! 10/10, better than I expected, yum! definitely wanna draw something about that, but it seems polite to tag spoilers - so blacklist b7spoiler if you're in the shoes of me an hour ago xD
#blakes 7#b7spoiler#spoilers ensue here too#god what a tasty gut stabbing#my brain is already racing making blake-anna parallels#avon shot her too on instinct on the first thought of betrayal#and then the suiside??? the episode was made for me personally#from the spoilers i assumed that blake truly was the betrayer who was working with federation#but learning that he still was with them? that is so ironic i lovvvve it#also can't not make the parallel with rorschach begging for death when he realized all was lost#also also i'm thinking that this time avon didn't rush to blake as soon as he learned where he was was because he just couldn'r re-live#the lost hope again......#also also also i'm assuming that orac was looking for clues allllll the time they were separated so avon was hoping against all odds#that it will find something#just waiting and hoping and telling himself that there's no chance and still hoping and hating himself for it and still hoping....#and then shooting the hope himself!!!!!!
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watched the first 2 episodes of acolyte and so far i like every character except for the main one lol. (also is her name osha as in occupational safety and health administration??)
#star wars#the acolyte#acolyte#the nemoidian faces look really good#definitely the best looking prequel alien from the last few shows#rather ironic to name Miss Hazardous Workplace Conditions 'Osha' lol#the assassin lady was really cool looking#it was pretty funny to see that the 120bby sith assassins are reasonably friendly to each other#and at least help each other somewhat#and then there's poor ventress (and briefly savage ig) who just get force-zapped a bunch#the conversation between sol and vernesta(?) at the end of ep 2 was also pretty funny#vernestra: well we have to take time to Thoughtfully Deliberate this situation so we can respond wisely :)#sol: SHE IS ACTIVELY TRYING TO KILL ME???#poor guy hope the situation works out better for him#hey at least his new padawan (orange theelin) is smart#anyways might draw one of them idk#more inclined to draw nightsisters and soft wars rn but we'll see#whos the sith(?) cant be plageius bc hes a muun right?#how old is palpatine again? was the acolyte project his Sith Senior Thesis or something like that#unrelated but the scene of the jedi running around the ice planet bareheaded was so infuriating lol#PUT ON YOUR HOODS I KNOW YOU HAVE THEM#maybe i'll draw hats for them all#i found it a bit weird that they basically gave osha the anakin background? having her be *eight* specifically when she got to the temple#felt a bit off#kind of like it's taking away from the caution around anakin's induction? since i think koth was four and that was considered 'late'#so for a non-prophecied random kid to show up at age eight?#on the other hand maybe they only got cautious about age after this whole debacle happened? idk i'll see what happens#ok i think thats all
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Almost all of the coverage I've seen regarding Polin has been centered around how Colin Learned to See Penelope and how She fell first, He went completely unhinged. All the nice, good, positive things about friends-to-lovers and two people falling in love.
But one thing I haven't seen discussed is Penelope's actions between hearing that he would never court her and his apology.
She thinks after he goes out of his way to save her from her cousin's fake ruby mines and dances with her and "You're special to me, I'll always look out for you" that Colin must've finally come to see her as a romantic option. But then, when confronted by some toxic dudes about their relationship, Colin is like Ew, no, never in your wildest fantasies.
She's been in love with this boy for years at this point and this is the final nail that he, and by extension the rest of the Ton, will never see her as anything other than a joke. She has no respect, she is not viewed as a romantic option, her and her family are a joke. And it was Colin that said it.
This is her final straw. She's hurt and so she hurts him. Either on purpose or in an attempt to protect herself. She never says whether she read his letters, we only hear that she never responded. He said to her before that she is a constant in his life, that she would never forsake him, and she does just that. Because he did it first (without knowing). She withholds her friendship and affection because he doesn't want to court her.
Sounds a lot like a certain subset of men. Men who befriend women and are nice with the expectation of sex. (I don't truly believe this, but it was brought to my attention in this way.)
She withholds her letters, the one thing that he looks forward to on those trips, because he unknowingly hurt her. Cutting him off from her affection is what causes him to realize some measure of his feelings for her, so it ends up working in her favor, but it's still an abusive move.
It does help her find the strength to finally confront him about his behavior last season, which is the communication they needed to move forward. But it is in her anger and giving up that she is able to find the strength to even remotely touch on her feelings for him, and his feelings for her.
#polin#bridgerton#this was brought to me by my husband#i've done this to him as well#ironically#there was an instance when i went to visit him#i had written a fanfic and was trying to get our friends to be supportive#i knew they didn't respect it but i hoped they respected me#and thus would be nice to me about my fanfiction#and so i framed it with “oh it's so dumb i wrote this right lol”#and they all said yes but weren't kidding#none of them offered to read it#none of them said good job that's a lot of words#they all just made fun of me#my husband the chameleon people pleaser#joined them#finally at the airport i tried one last time to seek a connection about that fanfiction#and when he continued to make fun of me i withheld my affections#i didn't hold his hand#i didn't kiss him#i was leaving for an indeterminate amount of time#he asked me what was wrong and i told him#this is something i'm proud of and i don't appreciate you and your friends making fun of me#i thought you of all people would support me#he realized then that i was genuinely hurt and apologized#sometimes oblivious boys need a grander gesture to understand the depth of your hurt#colin said some inflammatory shit and penelope withheld her affections#when confronted#he repented#she repented
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Reposting some do my old art!! I won't do all of them of course since there's too many, but here's a bunch of OC art from all the way back at 2022
#GOD THIS IS SO OLD...#So many ocs i have long abandoned...#Small info on them#The one with the short pink ponytail is Alice and she is MARRIED to brown hair girl aka Melinda#technically im also Melinda HAHA i did that alot with OCs back then#they were my first actually developed fully OCs that were lesbians#The ginger and white ponytail girlies are the same one- Suki Hirei#She used to be the protagonist of a fan project i had but that died#The short brown hair girl and blue hair girl are two girls from a dream i had! it was VERY gay#Brown is Arn and Blue is Cairo!#The crazy ahh brown hair as the first image is an abandoned concept and purple hair girl is just something i felt liek drawing#Last one is Masaru Aimon! i think ive had her for the longest? might be my first oc ever#She was a danganronpa one though... LMAO#Suki was also a dangan girly#Melinda is a Witch's heart girlie#SO IS THE LITTLE GIRL WITH THE LONGER PINK PONYTAIL#Alice is a general OC#White hair with the purple poison tsunami is a Winter Moon OC! the webtoon yeah#her name is amelia ironically#RANT OVERRR IF YOU READ I HOPE YOU GOT TO KNOW MORE ABOUT ME IN A SILLY FRIENDLY WAY#I'll gradually start posting more and more recent art and skip over a couple too#artists on tumblr#digital art#digital artist#OC#oc art#MarshMelia Art
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just saw the barbie movie and honestly i can't believe there aren't more posts about Gloria??? like i understand that it was The Barbie Movie and Barbie is the main character and it's About Her, but it's only about her because it's actually deep down about Gloria
#mj talks#barbie 2023#i don't know i just think that Gloria was the actual heart and center of the movie#a woman felt so out of place in her own life and left behind by the passage of time#that these feelings brought to life and forever changed someone in another dimension#like. Gloria's loneliness is the only reason any of this happened#and her love and kindness and continued grasp on hope is why anything got solved#yes barbie had an incredible transformation and you love to see it!#but can we please talk about Gloria?#the woman who still has enough childlike wonder in her to keep a barbie at her desk#the woman who makes up funny ironic dolls to deal with her own overwhelming emotions#the woman who hears that barbie is real and IMMEDIATELY decides she needs to help her#i loved the moment when she said she was going to help barbie because she wanted to!#because she never gets anything she wants anymore and this is something she wants to do!#YES we are going with barbie to barbieland. NO i am not going to feel ashamed about it.#Gloria shows that we don't have to be ashamed of our interests and our femininity as we age#keep that childlike sense of wonder! hold on to that imagination!#idk i just had a lot of feelings about gloria
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The BEST fanfic I've EVER read was written in like, 2014 or something, last updated in 2017 (unfinished). I REGULARLY go back and re-read all the chapters like a ritual, the fandom died YEARS ago as well. TODAY I WOKE UP, GUESS WHAT?? 7 FUCKING YEARS LATER, THERE'S A NEW UPDATE!! HOLY SHIT!! NEW CHAPTER!! LETS GOOOOOOOOO!!!
#reading chapter 23 giggling and kicking my feet rn#im yapping sorry#i need this author to have her shit published it's SO fucking good#un-ironically tho im always worried the website is gonna shut down randomly so I hope she does cross-post the fic on ao3 or something in ca#like im not shitting u with how DEAD the website is and how DEAD the fandom is#the character its abt is my pfp LMFAOOO
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“All that I've been taught // And every word I've got // Is foreign to me” — Hozier, Foreigner’s God
Aka "nooo dont grieve the life you spent running away from everything and wish you could go back to that life of uncertainty, where you constantly wonder if you can survive another day, rather than stand in the middle of a civil war which has nothing to do with you, you're so cool and sexy you're literally the mythical hero of a land where everyone detests your kind ahahahh"
A silly drawing of my Bosaltmer Dovahkiin, Baltana :))
I fiddled with her design a little, aka i added a different facial tattoo (which mirrors Lynwallyn's because hehe they're twins)
-> a companion piece to this older drawing of Lynwallyn
(Alternative version under the cut; possible eyestrain warning)
#oh tana we're really in it now#oc: baltana#i love me a reluctant hero <3 so thats what she essentially is#like imagine being a nobody your entire life then later become an assassin whose main deal is to be a silent executor#so she's really used to not being noticed and then bam. the whole province knows about her and she has these weird powers#that can make people explode and stuff. not to mention they all hope she was someone different & keep forcing their dreams and hopes#on her when she literally did not ask for any of it. suddenly her name opens a lot of doors and grants her so many contacts but she sees#through everyone's smile and knows they're full of shit. she's everything they hoped the dovahkiin not to be and yet.#she wants to belong so bad but her entire existence is just contrary yo everyone's beliefs. and it hurts so so much but she doesn't let#it consume her nor convince her to use her powers to destroy everything. she saves a world she cares very little about and doesn't even get#proper recognition for it which makes her so frustrated but yknow. what can you do#in the end it's better for her to be remembered as something entirely different than what she actually was bc ironically it means#the real her becomes forgotten. goes unnoticed#so yeah. no i cant make a normal happy character why do you ask#long tags#digital art#stellar.artz#stellar.ocs#tesblr#skyrim#skyrim tes#skyrim dragonborn#dovahkiin
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being a smaller creator is fun and cool actually because I can be REALLY embarrassing online and nobody gives a shit because i'm like a little worm to them
#i made some jokes on stream tonight about sssniperwolfs ulitmate heel turn that i feel a larger creator would get a lot more heat for so#if youre digging through my stuff after i've reached maximum famous levels check out my silent hill 2 playthrough#because like... if this were fiction it'd be really funny right. the sssniperwolf thing? it would be funny#but she's just the worst and it is not fiction#she doxxxed a dude to her bajillions of fans and thats horrible#but i mean the full crazy???? the total bonkers nutzo moment???? the fall from grace???? that stuff is FUNNY#anyway i hope the government hides him and his wife in a bunker or something#i wish a very ironic justice to her
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there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them
#double meaning on that but. yeah.#it's like. i haven't touched the imaging software i use for an entire year. soldering iron in decades. pick it right back up. to my surpris#muscle memory is crazy#i don't draw for months and pick up right where i was with a few sketches bc the work you put in stays even when you don't actively practic#when it's something you've practiced weekly and daily it sticks with you and ig that's good#but then it's like. the horrors. that haunt you. yk? what if a part of me will always save a soft spot for my ex. what then.#what if I'm fine now and I'm doing okay and i don't miss it and I think i'm okay moving forward and i see her and suddenly I'm on the floor#what if some part of me that was in love never really went away what if i haven't managed to kill all of it yet#bc i genuinely would not know what to do. i. i don't want to admit it but one of my worst fears is liking someone who doesn't like you back#and what's even more horrifying is if it's obvious. if everyone can tell. and usually I'm good at hiding it! (not really) but it's just. id#it's shame in liking someone who you tell yourself you don't want to like and you know you shouldn't. and not having control over it.#hoping praying that either she does something that turns the little switch in my head that sends her into the unforgivable category#or that i become straight. or that i become straight. mhm. yep. or ig the other option is i get a crush on someone new but like. mm.#i kinda have gotten w every person I've had a crush on since hs and i kinda don't think im ready for another rs so soon.#the baggage i just got is. hm. idk i kinda don't wanna unpack it. it's something that can easily be done if i had the missing pieces but.#i don't think I'm ever gonna get them. so. instead I'm gonna take. maybe another 3 months or 5 months or a year or a few. to just. slowly.#idek. it's just triggering old things. bringing me back to when i was 14. i never really got closure from that either. it took me 3 years.#I'm sure this time it'll go away faster but idk experiencing it a second time has a different feel to it. idk. it's weird.#it's like. idk. it's like you're watching it happen and you're not even there anymore. idk. i really don't know.#oh. I've been dissociating.#idk maybe it's for the best i really don't know i really don't know and everyone says i have to do what's best for myself but idk what is#my life is on track things are moving forward I'm doing better and healing but i can't escape the feeling of dread#something is going to catch up with me sooner or later and idk what it is idk at what intensity and idk if i will be ready for it#but anyway. when you love someone intentionally every day for a while. when does it go away? will it go away?#or will i have to live haunted by ppl who are alive but changed. so practically dead w/o the opportunity to mourn. for the rest of my life?#like i don't think i get it. loving this person was like. cooking and eating. intentional. ingrained into everyday life. effortful.#what if my mind does forget but my body still remembers. what then. what if it's like searching for sth you don't remember having anymore#ig I'm just trying to figure out how much to forget these days. how much won't hurt if it all comes back to haunt me#delete later
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I think I need to stop waiting to have a close relationship with my siblings. All it ends up doing is make me sad every time I get home from a get-together. I think about the ones that didn't talk to me, the ones that only relate to me through their kids, the ones that only know things from 15+ years ago, I just need to let it all go.
#i have 5 siblings why is it my eldest sis and her bf were the only ones to have a proper convo with me the entire day#also i was talking about how i had to clean the blood off my mom after she had a nasty fall recently and i learned something too-#apparently they all think i faint at the sight of blood bc of something that happened 18??? years ago??? they all started laughing#even tho the fainting then was bc i'm iron deficient and didn't know it then - i couldn't stay conscious from all the blood i lost#it seems like such a petty thing to get snagged on but these misconceptions just remind me that they don't bother to know anything about me#it just swirls around and around in my head and i need to stop they're not thinking about it i need to stop too#tumblring by moonlight#personal#it's selfish i wish my little brother didn't break up with his gf we're friends i could've talked to her at least... i hope she's doing ok#5 siblings but sometimes i feel like an only child
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he's going to be fighting a bunch of these things on his own, huh?
#wednesday spoilers#I don't think anyone really likes the im2-ish plot regarding h*ward but then duggan did warn us that he wanted to expand on whatever#happened in hickman's shield run so that's a thing that's happening now I guess.... I just hope he wraps it up quickly#emma was pretty annoying in this issue imo like idk if she's genuinely underestimating feilong or just not letting some things on due to#her being on the council etc. but it's probably going to backfire badly. I liked that tony & sunfire interacted though it's been a while I#think. I don't really know what to say about the h*ward stuff except that I liked that tony didn't become emotional or lose his head when#he was mentioned & he also didn't say anything nice about him so that's fine I guess...#I like that while he won pretty easily in the last issue the sentinel is clearly extremely powerful & tony was outgunned & retreated and I#like that there was no mention of his ego or whatever even though having to run would mess with anyone's ego a bit. I'm sure he would've#fought it anyway if it endangered anyone else but since it didn't he didn't fight a losing battle for whatever reason which shouldn't be#surprising but considering the quality of a lot of his previous runs it's nice#this issue wasn't as strong as the last one imo & I wish the stark employees resigned in protest the way they always did in the past#although it hasn't been his company for a while & usually when they resigned it was about tony and that one dude was clearly unhappy about#what was happening so maybe we'll see something in later issues? idk#I could've used a lot less h*ward but then I was expecting him to come up plus I'm glad it's happening now & not during cantwell's run#I'm pretty excited for the next issue since it's a flashback to the wca/silver centurion era... overall I think the characterisation is#still pretty good so I'll just hold on to that#iron man#marvel 616#tony stark
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