#to dear myself lb

[centralpark1981]

i love you raw salmon i love you cold smoked salmon i love you sushi i love you sashimi

[tommygotwrittenoff]

if t says anything negative to or about my boy buck buckley...he better watch his fucking back

[nulltune]

sometimes i get kiinda worried that bc i'm pretty vocal abt how much i love hakuno (<- Understatement) people might assume that i like- never want anything bad to happen to her or just want everyone to love her, etc etc .... so i just wanna make it clear that- THAT AIN'T TRUEE!!!! i mean, obviously i'd be happy if more people start to like hakuno but this isn't a fanpage and i'm here to write hakuno first and foremost ! 🫡

IDK IF I'M MAKING SENSE BUT YA SBCKSJFN DA POINT IS!!! i hope i don't make anyone feel like they have to write their muse a certain way egad,,, don't hold em back i say !! >:Dc and honestly i'm gonna enjoy our muse interactions no matter the dynamic tbh because i just rlly love seeing hakuno interact with well-written and interesting muses 🤧😌💖✨️ AND I WANNA DO JUSTICE 2 HER CHARACTER AND WRITE HER WELL TOO OFC !!! 💪✨️

[mayoiayasep]

oh i hate this motherfucker fr. you dumb bitch you just raised your death flag for the entire universe to see how did i not catch this the first time around

[sergeantjessi]

.

[marciliedonato]

hostile takeover on the drum tomorrow....please please you’re nothing.....

[flashlight-smallknife]

I love my wife so much and I also love that I had a late glow up after we were engaged so now I’m randomly hot af and it’s all for her

[lee-hakhyun]

What is the ORV Side Story?

I've gotten this question a lot, and have decided to make a propaganda post on the side story so I can direct everyone here instead of repeating myself :) The side stories are chapters 553+ of ORV, with 200+ chapters currently. There are 200-300 total chapters planned! Although it's labeled as a 'Side Story', it is a continuation of the main story and is post-epilogue content. This is still Kim Dokja's story, but it's not for just that one Kim Dokja.

Spoiler Free Synopsis

The protagonist of the side story is Lee Hakhyun, the author of ORV from another worldline (think Singshong), who ends up transmigrating into TWSA along with other readers of ORV.

Lee Hakhyun?

Lee Hakhyun was actually in ORV's main story for a grand total of half a chapter. Other than that, he's also the protagonist of Singshong's currently untranslated second work 'How to Become A Star Writer', which was discontinued after 22 chapters.

Where can I read it?

There's no official translation, but there are fan translations offered for those who purchase the Korean chapters on Munpia/Naver Series! Here is a guide on how to sign up to Naver, purchase chapters, and a way to unlock chapters for free

@/vapolunes on twitter is offering a translation of season 1, requiring purchase proof. I am also offering my ongoing translation of season 2+ if you've purchased the chapters, send me a message :)

If you're not able to read the chapters, i am summarizing the chapters as i read them under the tag #side story rambles for season 1 (Masterlist) and #side story lb for seasons 2+ ( Newest / Chronological)

Things that might sell you on reading (spoilers):

I mentioned transmigrating into TWSA, not ORV, because this isn't the 3rd regression. as a result, Kim Dokja is not physically there.

If it's not the 3rd regression, then which is it? ...The 41st.

As for kim dokja's fate after the epilogue, it's complicated. we do see what happens after the door opens, though.

Kim Dokja kkomas.

JUNG HEEWON ENJOYERS. YOU WILL LOVE THE SIDE STORY.

New incarnations! New attributes, skills, everything! More worldbuilding!

yoohankim will never have peace

Do you like 49!KDJ? He's expanded on. A lot.

This is my personal opinion, but I find Lee Hakhyun an incredibly charming character. I haven't stopped thinking of the description of him as a mix of Shen Qingqiu and Shang Qinghua: "Author transmigrated into his own novel as a minor villian character except that villain is deeper than was first thought"... his personality is his own though <3 if you like those two characters you will most likely like LHH!!

This story is about you, dear reader. These transmigrated readers are just as devoted to this story as you are.

For more information, including some frequently asked questions, check out Vy's post (A little outdated as of season 3, we have new information on KDJ's situation~)

Got any other questions? Send me an ask ^^b

[fuck-customers]

So I was pulling a pallet of dog food over to the pets department, which is already hard enough because those pallets weigh about 1,500 lbs and I can't use the electric pallet jack or the forklift, when some little kid runs out in front of me. Kid was maybe three or four, no parents in sight, and stopped directly in front of me. Our standard pallet jacks don't have breaks, so I had to basically ram the pallet into myself to stop it in time to keep from running over this kid.

The kid looks over and shrieks when I manage to get it to stop, and the kid's mother(?) Walks out into the action alley from two miles down and comes over, calm as can be. Just says "Sorry about him, but I left him in toys! We're on vacation!", laughs, and walks off with the kid.

Spent the next three weeks covered in bruises.

Please dear god keep an eye on your children in stores. I don't care that you left them in the toys department, or that you're on vacation, your four year old is YOUR responsibility.

Posted by admin Rodney.

[bigguyalex]

Dear FFA, rest assured, I know what I want

If I wanted a girl who likes a man who avoids carbs and eats lean, I would have put the fork down instead of letting rich gourmet meals and desserts expand my waistline into a round butterball. If I wanted a girl who motivated me to keep fit, I wouldn't have sat around letting my tree trunk legs thicken to make more room for my growing gut spilling over my lap. If I wanted a girl who admired a chiseled jaw line and sharp features, I would have paused when I realized all the late night snacks were chubbing up my cheeks, giving me a double chin, and starting side rolls under my arms. But, no, I want a girl who wants me FAT and who will get excited as I grow even FATTER. I want a girl who looks at 300lbs as a minimum starter belly, 400 lbs as hubby material for the honeymoon, and doesn't really have a limit in mind. I want a woman who likes to cuddle a big man and get lost in heavy man flesh. I want a woman who loves a big appetite, appreciates a clean plate, and caring for a belly about to burst after a meal. So it's you that I'm preparing myself for.

[aperrywilliams]

The Reid’s Effect (Spencer Reid x GN!Reader)

(Not my gif. Credits to the creator!)

------------------

Pairing: Spencer Reid x GN!Reader.

Summary: Penelope and Luke have been nagging Spencer to get a pet. Spencer isn’t very convinced but ends nonetheless at a dog shelter’s door. He hasn’t had the chance to go inside, though.

Word Count: 1.3k (short, for a change)

Warnings: Dogs? (if that is a warning). Just fluff.

A/N: Spencer Reid, dogs, and meet-cute. What else can I ask for?

------------------

I don’t think it's a good idea. I never thought it was, and I don't think it is. But Garcia and Luke have been very insistent lately.

I know they have good intentions, but what would I do with a pet? I barely owned a fish once, and it's better not to tell how that turned out.

But here I am, in front of a dog shelter near my apartment complex. I’m not planning to go inside, though; I’m just mulling the idea and reciting all the reasons why I should keep walking home.

It's a bad idea. Period.

I’m about to resume my walk, but I freeze when I see a dog running toward me and someone chasing it, calling its name.

“Roco! Stop!”

But the dog must be deaf because it never slows down a bit.

As I see it approach, I do the math: 70 lbs are running at 25 miles per hour. Dear God.

I should have stepped aside, but when I realized it was too late. The animal collides with me.

A sudden “oof” is all I can say when I lose my balance falling to the ground.

“Roco! What have you done?! Bad dog!” the presumable owner chastised the animal while clipping a leash to his collar. That's when they pull the dog off of me. I am still on the floor, trying to figure out what happened. As I sit, I inspect my body, looking for cuts or bruises, but I only see some dirt and dog hair on my clothes. Great.

“I’m so sorry,” they say, offering me a hand to stand up. That is when I look up and see them.

Wow, so beautiful, I thought. And I just made a fool of myself, beaten on the floor by a pet—what a sight.

With frightened eyes, they kept staring at me. Concern over their face noticing I couldn’t speak.

“Are you hurt? Do you need me to call someone to check on-?”

“Oh. No. No. I’m okay,” I say, accepting their hand to stand up.

That hand feels so warm and soft in mine. It's a very nice feeling. I would have liked to hold it for a little bit longer.

Hey Reid, what about the pathogens that could be transferred right now? For a strange reason, I don’t care. Maybe it is the way they are looking at me or the way inspecting if I’m hurt. I don’t know.

As I brush the dirt off my clothes, the apologies come again.

“I’m so sorry. Roco is a bit intense sometimes. I didn't notice when he let go of the leash. I tried to reach him. I'm so sorry.”

They look so embarrassed right now that I don't have the heart to say what consequences could have a reckless action like that.

Although those consequences made us cross paths, so I don't think it is a terrible thing right now.

“It's good that I was in the middle of his race then. So you could catch him before he ran wildly across the street,” I point, trying to make the whole thing a little bit lighter. And I think it worked when I saw them laugh.

That laugh? Heavenly music to my ears. I have never been keen on the deliberate expression of feelings, but on them, I don't mind if that leads to hearing their laugh again.

“You’re right. Though, I doubt it's what you expected to happen on your walk,” they pointed, petting the dog’s head as the animal poked their leg to call for attention.

Shush, you have the privilege all the time. Let them stay with me for a couple of seconds. I plead to the animal in my mind.

“Oh no. I do this all the time.”

What? What am I saying? Joking about being hit by a dog in the street? I don't feel like me at this moment, to be honest.

“Well, Roco and I thank you for your service. Right, buddy?”

As a cue, the animal starts to wiggle his tail, looking at me with his tongue out.

Where is the Reid effect?

“My pleasure,” I respond, giving my best less-awkward smile. They grin back, and I swear it’s the new Wonder of the World.

“Thanks again, uh - Sorry I didn’t ask you your name,” they say.

Oh. They want to know my name.

“Spencer.”

“Right. Spencer,” they repeat, and my name sounds so good rolling from their tongue that I get goosebumps.

Get a grip, Reid!

“I’m (Y/N). And you already know Roco,” they point to the dog, who barks at hearing his name.

“Yeah. I already did. But our first meeting was a little rough?, so it’s nice to greet you properly, Roco,” I tell the dog, who is waging his tail faster and approaches to tap my legs with his two front paws.

They laugh at the dog’s reaction. I could be used to that.

If only I could have the nerve to ask for their number. What are you saying, Reid? You’re not Derek Morgan. Even if you could, they wouldn’t give it to you.

“I think he likes you,” they say casually, tightening the leash a bit so the dog doesn’t bounce over me. I smile, red tinting my cheeks as if the compliment were liking them and not their dog. Wishful thinking.

I don’t know what else to say or do. Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I try to accept the idea I should let (Y/N) go and I should go my way. To a cold and dull apartment, never again having the privilege of marveling at their presence or hearing their beautiful voice.

As I'm about to face my fate, Roco starts barking again, causing (Y/N) to kneel in front of him.

“What’s it, buddy?”

At the cute nickname, the dog licks their face affectionately, and (Y/N) laughs.

"Oh, that’s so? Do you think he’ll accept?" (Y/N) speaks to Roco, who responds with another bark. Maybe at another time, I would find it a little too much to see someone talking to their dog like that, but now it’s the opposite. I think it's sweet. I think (Y/N) is sweet.

Standing, (Y/N) turns their gaze to me, a shy smile gracing their lips. I narrowed my eyes, wondering what is this about. (Y/N) notice my confusion.

“Roco is still very sorry for what he did and suggested I could buy you a coffee as a peace offering.”

My jaw drops a couple of feet after hearing the words. My mind is trying to catch what is happening.

But my astonishment is confused with discomfort, so they quickly speak again.

“Sure, if it is something you could be interested in. You don’t have to, of course,” they added, almost stuttering. That’s new. It’s always me who stutters in situations like these. Who do I want to fool, anyway? Something like this had never happened to me before!

“Yes!” I suddenly blurted, almost making (Y/N) jump. Crap! Can I be less noticeable in my eagerness? “I mean, yeah. It’s something I could be interested in,” I clarify, trying to disguise the sweat in my hands and the pounding of my heart. (Y/N) nods, smiling widely.

“Great! Yeah, that’s great,” they responded, now looking at Roco. “He accepted our offer, buddy,” (Y/N) says and returns their gaze to me. “What do you think? There is a very nice pet-friendly coffee shop two blocks from here. Of course, if you don’t have to be in another place right now.”

Believe me, I wouldn’t think of being somewhere else.

“Oh, don’t worry. I have plenty of time. Shall we?” I offer, signaling to where the coffee shop is.

“Sure! Let’s go,” (Y/N) replies, smiling as they cue Roco with the leash to start walking.

Who would say that Penelope and Luke’s idea ended better than I expected?

Even better, could this be the new Reid’s Effect? I think I need to do more research about that.

------------------

Spencer Reid's Taglist: @dreatine​ @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @tvandfanfic​ @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @pauline5525mgg @disaster-in-waiting @pebble-has-a-mirgraine @anamiad00msday @milivanili99 @laylasbunbunny @leahblackk @miaxx03 @missabsey

[sudriantraveler]

Duncan's Accident Report

It was evening on the Skarloey Railway.

A very battered and bruised Duncan sat at the back of the workshops. His driver was sitting at a desk nearby with a pen and paper as Duncan dictated to him what to write.

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in block 3 of the accident report form.

I put “poor planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation, and so I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am an industrial engine by design. On the date of the accident I was working alone near the incline at the Skarloey Slate Quarry.

Work had to be stopped early, as the brakes on the incline winding gear had broken. However, I saw that there were some loaded slate trucks left over at the top of the incline which, when weighed later, were found to be slightly in excess of 46,000 lbs.

Rather than go and bring the trucks down myself using the longer, more winding path through the back of the quarry, I decided to send them down using the incline.

Since the brakes on the incline winding gear were broken, I decided to couple myself to the winding cable to ensure a steady descent as the trucks began to roll down.

You will note, in block 11 of the accident report form, that I weigh just under 18,000 lbs.

Due to the shock of being jerked forward so suddenly, my driver fell off the footplate and was unable to apply my brakes, and I was also unable to disconnect from the cable.

Needless to say I proceeded at a rapid rate of speed up the incline.

At about the halfway point of the incline I met the trucks, which were now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed, in spite of some of them having become derailed and hanging over my line.

This explained the fractured smokebox, minor scratches and the broken funnel, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until my front end was buffers deep into the winding house.

Fortunately, through the impact I had remained connected to the cable, and managed to hold on in spite of beginning to experience a great deal of pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the trucks hit the buffers at the bottom of the incline, with several becoming uncoupled in the impact, and the remaining trucks being broken open and losing their loads of slate.

Now devoid of the weight of the slate and the uncoupled trucks, the remaining trucks weighed approximately 9,000 lbs. I refer you again to my weight of 18,000 lbs.

As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent back down the incline.

In the vicinity of the halfway point, I met the trucks coming up.

This accounts for the two fractured rear buffers, broken cab window and several dents along my cab and bunker.

Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the trucks seemed to slow me enough to lessen the damage I sustained when I crashed into the pile of slate, and fortunately only three crankpins were broken.

I am sorry to report, however, as I sat there in the pile of slate, in pain, unable to move, I became disconnected from the cable, and I sat there watching the empty trucks begin their journey back down to me. This explains the two broken cylinders.

I hope this answers your inquiry.

Signed,

Duncan

Inspired by this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cf0_KQQeTjc

[ye-olde-sodor]

Ok so I just found something weird about Ryan and Thomas' classes…

I was looking into the LB&SCR E2s and GNR N2s because I wanted to write some fanfiction with Thomas and Ryan. As I was reading some Wikipedia articles, something caught my eye, and that was the difference in Traction Effort.

In simplest terms, Traction Effort is basically the amount of pushing and shoving forces that an engine has. The higher the number, the more the engine can pull and push. It’s measured in both Kilo-Newtons (kN) and in Pounds Force (Ibf). 1 kN is equivalent to 22.8 Ibf. There is a way to calculate an engine’s Traction Effort but the formula is super complex even in its simplified form and I suck at math. If anyone wants to double check this, be my guest.

So, according to Wikipedia and its subsequent sources, Ryan’s traction effort is 19,945 lbf (88.72 kN). Thomas, meanwhile, has 21,397 lbf (94.78 kN).

If this is accurate to both the E2s and the N2s, then that means that Thomas had nothing to worry about. Thomas is, at least from a traction effort standpoint, the better engine. Yes, there are other factors when determining which engine is better, but Thomas beats Ryan in one of the most important factors, that being how much he can pull and push.

“So Thomas was jealous for no reason? We already knew that, so what’s the point?" Well dear reader, you’d be half right. See, here’s where things get interesting.

I’m sure we all know that the E2s sucked at their job. They were too big to work on the lines they were meant for and had a plethora of other issues. Their small bunkers made them unfit for long distances, and the Second Series (the ones with the extended side tanks that were supposed to replace the first) had an inadequate water supply. Due to these issues, they didn’t last long and they were all withdrawn and scrapped between 1961 and 1963.

What I bet you’d probably figured out by now is that Ryan’s class faired far better than Thomas’ class. While most were withdrawn much sooner than Thomas’ (from 1955 and 1962), they were frequently used and considered reliable. Most of Ryan’s siblings worked at Kings Cross and Moorgate as suburban passenger services, meanwhile the E2s were kept mostly at docks and yards at London Bridge Stations and Victoria and hardly did anything but shunt. On top of all of this, Ryan's class had a much better fuel and water capacity.

Now take all of this info and place it in context of SLOTLT.

Imagine a SLOTLT movie that shows us that Thomas is insecure about his faults despite his numerous rebuilds. Then in comes this fancy new GNR engine that, while slightly weaker than Thomas, can travel farther thus can deliver more trains across Sodor. Now have that same engine show off this ability on Thomas' own branchline. On top of all of that, have everyone brag and comment on how better Ryan is as a passenger train than Thomas. Cut back to Thomas at the construction site hearing about this, and becoming furious (but moreso scared) about Ryan and becomes convinced he's being replaced.

Now imagine Ryan being the one to pull the shipwreck instead of Donald and Douglas. Now Thomas is convinced he's being replaced and either sent away to another railway or sold for scrap.

It's a small fix but it makes such a difference. It helps explain why Thomas becomes so reckless and irritable in the movie and when Sailor John rolls in with Skiff, he feels more willing to help him since "Hey, he bought Skiff, maybe he can buy me if I prove myself to him!"

There are so many other stories we can write using all of this, and you all know damn well I'm gonna abuse the hell out of this lol.

[cookingdramawithmrsbennet]

Cooking White Soup with Mrs.Bennet

Ingredients:

1 whole chicken or veal knuckle (about 3–4 lbs)

2 quarts water

1 cup blanched almonds

1 cup cream

4 egg yolks

2 slices of white bread (crusts removed)

1 onion, peeled and halved

2–3 cloves

1 bay leaf

A pinch of mace or nutmeg

Salt and pepper to taste

Before we get to the delightful business of today’s instructions, I must unburden myself of the most vexing news! Upon hearing of Mr. Darcy’s interference in my dear Jane’s happiness with Mr. Bingley, I am quite beside myself with indignation. Wicked, wicked man! He is, without a doubt, the most disagreeable man that ever was born. Why, he has no consideration for the feelings of others! To think he would come between such a perfect match, it is truly beyond endurance.

But let us set aside this dreadful business for the moment and turn our attention to something far more agreeable. Now, here is how you prepare…

Instructions:

Prepare the Stock: Place the chicken or veal in a large pot with the water, onion (studded with cloves), bay leaf, and a pinch of salt. Bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer. Skim off any foam and cook gently for 2–3 hours until the meat is tender and the broth is flavorful.

Strain the Stock: Remove the meat and aromatics. Strain the broth through a fine sieve or muslin cloth to ensure it’s clear. Return the strained stock to the pot.

Prepare the Almond Paste: Grind the blanched almonds into a fine paste using a mortar and pestle or food processor. Add a little of the hot stock to thin it, then stir it back into the pot.

Thicken the Soup: Tear the bread into small pieces and soak it in a little hot stock. Once softened, mash or blend it into a smooth paste, then stir into the soup to thicken.

Enrich the Soup: In a bowl, whisk together the egg yolks and cream. Temper the mixture by slowly adding a ladle of hot stock while whisking, then stir it into the pot. Be careful not to let the soup boil, as this will curdle the eggs.

Season and Serve: Add a pinch of mace or nutmeg, then season to taste with salt and pepper. Warm gently, stirring until thickened. Serve immediately in bowls or cups for an authentic Regency touch.

Did You Know?

White Soup was a popular dish in 18th-century and early 19th-century England, especially among the upper class. Originating from French culinary traditions, it was made with veal or chicken stock, breadcrumbs or almonds, cream, and egg yolks, with a touch of spice like nutmeg or mace. Its pale, creamy appearance made it a symbol of elegance, often served at balls and formal events.

Famously mentioned in Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice, it highlights the sophistication of Regency society. Though it fell out of favor in the Victorian era, White Soup remains a hallmark of historical English cuisine.

[cheerful-sixears]

Finnigan "Fitz" Barnes || he/him/his || pygmy/jamnapari goat || 30

update for a dear OC of mine ;u; <3 don't consider myself a real furry [moreso enthusiast] , so yeah! Finnigan or "Fitz" was one of my first 'coming out' OC's that I created with the help of my brother, @monkie-deej. <3

Profile below the cut ;u;

\\\-Basics-\\\

☽｡⋆Name: Finnigan Olivander Barnes

☽｡⋆Nickname(s): Finn, Finny, “Fitz”, Finners, Fizzy, Fizzles, 

☽｡⋆Species: Pygmy Goat, Jamnapari Goat & 0.2% fainting goat

☽｡⋆Age: 30

☽｡⋆Height: 5'3"

☽｡⋆Weight: 290+lbs

☽｡⋆Hair Color: curly and dyed pink

☽｡⋆Eye Color: Kelly Green

☽｡⋆Fur Color: rich cream colored w/ Rusty, Reddish Brown markings + "pink nose"

☽｡⋆Hoof/Horn Color: pale, pastel slate brown

☽｡⋆Tattoos: none

☽｡⋆Scars: right elbow; knees [scattered]

☽｡⋆Piercings: Ear lobes, bullring/septum

☽｡⋆Notable Accessories: Occasionally; a paperboy hat, fingerless gloves, kandi bracelets galore

\\\-Personality-\\\

☽｡⋆Occupation/Specialties: Zombies/Ghouls, Drawing, Writing, and Currently Unemployed from a REAL jobbb

☽｡⋆Fears: *murky [deep] water, heights and most high speeds, losing Audron

☽｡⋆Hobbies: Drawing, writing, scrapbooking, collecting various things, reading, cooking

☽｡⋆Clothing: Prefers clothing to be on the more comfortable side, edgy. He doesn’t have much of a ‘fashion’ sense, and he doesn’t really care what others think of his personal, artsy choices. As long as it’s comfortable and brings good feelings, he’ll wear it. Hee mostly prefers graphic tees, dark colored band tees, sometimes with silly phrases alongside fitted jeans [in pink or purple] and crazy hoof-shoes.

☽｡⋆Personality: Finn has a gentle heart, and a childlike nature and mind most often. He can be very sensible, yet very sensitive, and is always willing to accept those willing to accept him. He adores and is always willing to make new friends of all walks of life, but has a hard time doing so, making him seem somewhat imposing and difficult to approach. He may see the glass half empty on some days, but never doubts a rainy day having a chance to be a genuine, good one. It’s hard to make him cry, but when he does, he spills his heart, and usually feels better by the end of it. Overall, he is a very generous, kind, and caring individual, who is fun loving, and adventurous at best.

☽｡⋆Relationships: 

–Romantic: Closed // [fictionally]

–List: Macaque [Lego Monkie Kid], Ryo Asuka//Satan [Devilman Franchise], Kumatetsu [The Boy and the Beast]

–Friends: Audron/OddyMoo [ @monkie-deej], Shadow/Shade [ @evil-dad-evil], 

–Friendships: Open // [just ask! <3]

\\\-Weaknesses/Negative Traits/Disadvantages-\\\

☽｡⋆Illnesses: short temper, sad very often, tummy troubles, common migraines and symptoms

☽｡⋆Weaknesses: pollen/allergies, social anxiety, anger issues, 

\\\-Other Preferences-\\\

☽｡⋆Likes: Cooking, Eating, Star Gazing, Mythology, Vampires and cryptids, All nighters with friends, drawing, rodents/marsupials, winged things, dinosaurs and paleo, undead things, dark poetry, loud music, swimming, plushies, reading, the undead, cooking, being lazy on comfy days

☽｡⋆Dislikes: negative thoughts, bright lights, migraines, losing control over himself, repetitive noises, fake people, fakes and liars, assumptions, cleaning, control freaks, 

☽｡⋆Romantic Preference: Demi-Asexual

[pettyprocrastination]

I turn 23 in 30 minutes

(discussion of mental health, depression, and body image/body weight).

I'm queuing this post ahead of time in hopes that by midnight I will be asleep like a responsible adult because I do in fact have work in the morning (fixing my sleep schedule is a slow and steady race I promise you all) but this is just a sort of. reflection? on my year and my thoughts on reaching another big age.

nobody needs to look at this- I'm just using this as a journal because I'm pretty sure mine is still in the trunk of my car from when I went on vacation.

anywhoo. I turn 23 in 30 minutes. And its. weird?

But still nice.

I started this year off in a horrendous spot.

I was 112 lbs, still working my shit retail job where i'd go and cry in the bathroom just about every single shift for the next two months. I didn't want to eat, sleep, shower, or interact with anybody. I hadn't felt like this since my stepfather died and even then it wasn't as severe. I hated myself and blamed myself for everything wrong in my life, I felt like a ghost in my own body.

But slowly, things began to improve.

I have a new job now, a 9 to 5 that I enjoy yet I'm unfortunately going to have to return to the job hunt soon so I can find one that gives me benefits as I can't stay on my family's health insurance forever (the joys of adulthood) but It still feels good to have that dedicate schedule where I get to work with my hands and get paid for it every Monday through Friday.

I'm spending more time with my friends. Last week I spent a week at the beach with a dear friend of mine and a collection of her own friends, none of which I had met before. I was absolutely petrified initially but had the time of my life with them all, ending the wonderful experience with going to my first ever concert and crying from the joy of it all. (it was hozier.)

I'm pushing myself to do more and go out- I'm in a coaching position for my roller derby league, I recently attended a practice scrimmage with players who have been in this sport for 8+ years and while I fully believed I didn't belong in this space, I was able to hold my own and had so much fun getting to play with all of them. I don't know if i'll be able to try out for the state league because of scheduling- but maybe some day further down the line.

I took a day trip out of state to go to an all women's gym with friends at my university before I graduated. One thing to know about me is that I go to the gym alone about 99.9% of the time. I'm not good at social situations, especially ones in new areas so the notion initially was one I was ready to dismiss- but how often do you get chances like that?

I've signed up for my first ever powerlifting meet. I'm still very new to the gym with less than a year of weight lifting under my belt, but i've told myself this is the year to push myself and become somebody I'm proud of nobody how hard it is going to be. I've always loved powerlifting and want to get into the sport so bad but I can't afford a coach nor do I want to sign up for a full competition without knowing the ins and outs of the first event. I found a local deadlifting competition for a pride foundation next month and signed up for it with the goal of increasing my deadlift by at least 10 lbs by then. I'm simply competition against myself and trying to see how much I can progress during that time, which is something I really love about the sport. I'm still a fucking lightweight loser when it comes to heavy lifting- but at least this way I'll be able to see what a meet is like and learn what to expect.

I started going to therapy beginning of February/late January. It's been a saving grace honestly. Having an unbiased professional I can sit and talk and cry to has been quite the saving outlet. I rent a private study room at the library once every week for our meetings and it's become a little ritual of my own that i'm quite fond of now. (take this as your reminder that your local public library has so many amazing resources that even if you don't read often you can still use!!) though I've only been going for a few months, it's helped me drastically in how I view myself and letting others in during moments of weakness.

I'm allowing myself to rely on my friends. It isn't easy. And honestly sometimes I fucking hate it and feel pathetic for it- but my friends have been there for me so goddamn much within the past few months I honestly don't know where I'd be without them. There are days where I'd rather curl up In my bed and not speak to a single soul about how I feel because there's nothing I fear more than being a burden to those I love- but I have to remind myself that they want to be there for me the same way I want to be there for them. If they need me to pull back they'll simply communicate that desire and I will do so, but I can't keep assuming the worst when I need to rely on somebody for love and support. It's hard to not feel like a burden in those moments, that I'm exhausting those I love- but I also know I would do the same for them any day of the week. "Shared joy is double the joy, shared sorrow is half the sorrow".

I'm back at 124 lbs. I know it may not seem like much to others but gaining back that 12 lbs over four months has been such an uphill battle not only due to my own genetics+metabolism that makes gaining weight a fucking pain in the ass, but also keeping myself accountable when my mental health is at an all time low to still eat full meals and take care of my body. The moment I stepped on the scale and saw those numbers I cried real tears. I still want to gain more weight, but seeing that improvement helped me realize I am in fact improving and not just staying in this permanent transition period of stagnation for the rest of my life as I've feared.

I'm kinder to myself. At least, I'm trying to do so. I've found that the reality of life is that it's infinitely easier to blame yourself for everything and rot in self loathing rather than take a step back to go "actually- that's not true" and find the strength to go forward while also being aware of what you can do to better yourself as a person, not just for others, but for your own sake at well.

That being said- not every day is meant for self-analysis and introspection. Some days it's okay to just cry and eat some fucking candy bars on the couch my friends.

I'm slowly finding the joy and energy to write again. It's been a hassle to do so- working a 9 to 5 while also going to the gym and then doing chores leaves very little time and energy for other passions- but I've found it's annoying but meaningful work to dedicate time for the little things that make you happy. I've started by promising myself to limit my screentime by not using my phone as much during the day- my lunch breaks at work are spent typing away on a little e-ink word processor I treated myself to instead of doom scrolling on my phone. I've written three short little stories on it, some of them fanfiction others are not- while also beginning a horror project that i've thought about for a year now and want to see where it will go in the end. It's nothing as grand at the 10k beautifully written fics you all create- but I'm finding my passion again and it feels quite nice. I'd like to create something submission worthy this summer, but we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

I'd like to set myself the goal of being able to afford an apartment next year. My family plans on moving cities within a year so it will give me time to save up more money and maybe even get back to making little things on the side to help earn some extra pocket cash for that dream while also paying off my student loans.

I'm not anywhere near the woman I thought i'd at 23 when I was 18 years old. I still live at home, I'm not using my major for my career, nor am I doing anything particularly astounding in my life. But I think that it's okay- and I'm proud of the progress I have made to get myself to this position.

Tomorrow I will spend my birthday at work. Then I will go for a walk (or perhaps a skate?) listen to some music, treat myself to a little sweet drink in my budget and then go see the challengers movies. Maybe with my friends, maybe by myself. I'm not sure yet. I will likely cry at some point during the day, I always do on my birthday.

But I know that I am growing. Even if Its hard to see.