#to clarify my dreams are always weird and unsettling

[steviescrystals]

in case anyone was wondering i’m on day 8 of my 13 days in a row of work and i’m going strong but keep having weird and unsettling dreams where i’m living at one or both of my jobs <3

[fruitydiaz-archived]

that's what i want for him

post-eddie begins | eddie meets with his attorney to change his will | a little feelings realization | a little pining | a little buckley-diaz family moment

4,097 words

AO3 link

The day that Eddie has his appointment with his attorney to alter his will, he’s sick with nerves.

He thought he had made peace with his own mortality a long time ago, when he enlisted and found himself pinned down, a world away from his family and bleeding out in the middle of a warzone — but something about the official stature of a will has always made him feel nervous.

He’s still young, and he has no plans to die anytime soon, but who really does? Shannon certainly hadn’t planned on it either. Dealing with grief is hard enough as is, especially when it’s the loss of a parent, and if Eddie can make that experience any more bearable for Chris, then that’s what he’s going to do.

Ever since Shannon died, he’s had his parents down as Christopher’s legal guardians should anything happen to him. It wasn’t a decision he ever felt comfortable with — but he didn’t have anyone else, and he didn’t really have a choice. He had to make sure that Christopher had someone in case things went wrong on a call.

But since the well came down — well, before that actually. Ever since the tsunami, ever since the lawsuit, ever since the skateboard accident — Eddie’s known that he needs to adjust his will, because in none of those situations were Eddie’s parents around to make sure Christopher was okay.

Buck was.

It wasn’t that they didn’t care. They certainly called Eddie after they heard the news about the tsunami. They asked if Christopher was okay (not him, Christopher), and made their usual comments about how Texas would be so much safer for him — they hadn’t had both an earthquake and a tsunami over the last year. They made sure they did their best to let Eddie know that he was making a mistake keeping Chris there, that he was making a mistake not relocating him after he lost his mom, that Chris was going to get seriously hurt one of these days and it would be his fault. They said all of the things he knew they would.

But they weren’t there.

The well was a close call — too close — and in that moment when the mud came down on top of him and the water started to fill his lungs — he realized he couldn’t leave Christopher with them. Not when there was someone else right there, someone who loved Christopher the way he did, someone who would do anything for him, someone who understood him.

He’s still reeling from the accident a bit, as he sits in the office, bouncing his leg up and down and trying hard to tamp down his nerves and failing, as you do after near-death experiences. He keeps having to remind himself that he’s not down there anymore, that there isn’t water all around him, that he can breathe perfectly fine, that he’s on solid ground now.

He has to remind himself that when he fell, Buck and Hen were there to grasp his hands and pull him back up. He’s okay.

“Mr. Diaz?” A voice calls to his left. He looks up to see his attorney in the doorway, standing with her hands clasped in front of her. She smiles at him politely.

She’s a tall, fairly nondescript woman, with soft, quiet features, and thick curly black hair that’s always pulled back into a bun. She always comes dressed in suits but leaves her suit jacket draped over the back of her chair, moving about her office and greeting clients in soft cashmere sweaters.

She always seems to be wearing a smile — but not in an unsettling way. When Shannon was still around, when Eddie was warming up to the idea of welcoming her back into his life, Eddie had made some comment about her having middle school teacher energy — the kind of middle school teacher that still enjoyed working with kids but also took them seriously and didn’t allow any room for bullshit — and Shannon had laughed at him for using the word energy. She said something about Buck rubbing off on him and he rolled his eyes.

It’s just that she reminds him of someone, someone from his past — but he just can’t ever place her. He’s always been bad with faces. But there’s something familiar and grounding about her, something that helped Eddie feel calm when he first met her. But today, she doesn’t calm his nerves.

He feels sick.

He hasn’t seen her since Shannon died.

He stands up and wipes his shaking hands against his jeans, following her into her office.

When Eddie imagined an attorney’s office, when he was a little younger and more naive, he imagined it being small, cramped, with overflowing filing cabinets against one wall and bookshelves filled with boxes of legal documents and binders and books filled with rules and statutes that he could never dream of understanding. He imagined it as something that would make him feel small and cramped — and that the lawyer on the other side of the desk would peer over their tiny wireframe glasses at him and scrutinize every decision he made.

But Stacy’s office is different — it’s calmer, more minimalist. Her walls are a cool white that contrasts against all of the black furniture. The boxes on her shelves are a uniform grey with white labels with little script that’s illegible to Eddie. She even has a little bonsai tree on her desk. It reminds him of a therapist’s office — one that Shannon tried to make him see earlier on in their marriage, between deployments. Sometimes he can appreciate the universe’s weird sense of humor. Today he doesn’t.

He hates having to be here, having to deal with all of the weird legal aspects of living and dying, but he’s doing this for Christopher, so he swallows his nerves.

“I understand you’re wanting to change your will?” Stacy begins, pulling Eddie’s file onto her desk and flipping it open. He nods.

“Yes, I just want to make an adjustment to the legal guardianship — for Christopher,” She nods for him to continue. “After last year, I changed it so my parents would be his legal guardians. I’d like to change it again.”

Stacy smiles softly at him again before pulling something up on her computer. She opens a drawer and retrieves some blank paperwork and sets it on her desk.

“And who will you be changing it to?”

“His name is Evan Buckley. He’s...my friend. Coworker, actually, but...he understands Chris better than they do. Or ever could, really.”

Stacy nods, writing Buck’s name down on the paper before setting the pen down, folding her hands together again, and studying Eddie.

“So, last year when we adjusted your will after your wife passed, I remember your parents being here with us,” She says, and it’s not unkind or pointed in any way, but her words still make Eddie shift in his chair, like he’s done something wrong.

“That’s right,” Eddie says, clearing his throat.

“And Mr. Buckley isn’t here with us today.”

“No,” Eddie says, picking at a loose strand in the hem of his jeans. “He’s working a shift today.”

“I see, are you sure you don’t want him to be present for this? It’s a big decision.”

Eddie blinks at her before shifting his eyes around the room.

“Does he need to be here?”

“No, not at all. We normally encourage both parties to be here, but I’m sure you’ve gotten his consent already, it’s just a formality, really,” Stacy smiles and turns back to her file, picking the pen up again, and opening her mouth to ask another question, when Eddie interrupts her.

“Do I need to have, um, written consent or something to do this? I don’t remember my parents having to sign anything.”

Stacy looks back up at Eddie. For a moment neither of them says anything. She slowly sets her pen back down.

“It’s not required, but it is recommended. This is a big decision, as I’m sure you’re aware. Trusting someone as your child’s legal guardian isn’t something to be taken lightly — especially when they’re not family.”

Eddie frowns — he’s not taking this lightly. It’s all he’s been able to think about for weeks. Every morning when he sits down with Christopher to have breakfast it’s a reminder that he almost lost this. Every time he comes home to Christopher after a long day of work there’s a sense of relief that he’s never felt before — he got to come home again. When he sees the drawings of Shannon that Christopher did that Eddie keeps locked in his nightstand — unable to throw them away, but definitely not keeping them anywhere where Chris could find them again — he remembers how close Chris came to losing another parent.

When he thinks about Chris being uprooted, ripped out of this life they built in California just to be dragged back to Texas, with parents like his who always think they know what’s best but never allow room for adjustments, with parents he knows will stifle him — it’s heartbreaking. He knows this is the right decision.

But Stacy doesn’t give him the opportunity to say all of that, and she continues to press, gently.

“You have had a conversation about this with him?” Eddie shrinks in his chair a bit.

“No, we haven’t — we haven’t talked about it. But, look, you don’t know Buck, okay? This isn’t,” He pauses, waving his hand while he tries to figure out what to say. “A couple of weeks ago, I was in an accident. It was pretty bad, and — I could’ve died. I was drowning and all I could think about was how I couldn’t leave Chris alone. And then, if I did die, how miserable he would be with my parents. I mean, you met them.”

Stacy doesn’t respond.

“Well, I was raised by them, so — I know what they’d be like, and I don’t want that for Christopher. Buck would do anything for Christopher. Already has. He’s...it’s him. I want him to be Christopher’s guardian, you know, if anything ever happens.”

Stacy nods and sits back in her chair.

“Eddie,” She starts, breaking formality. “Listen, I understand. This kind of thing happens more often than you’d think. There’s a kind of clarity that comes to people when they have a close encounter with death. I imagine it was especially clarifying for you, so soon after your wife’s death.”

She sits up again and studies Eddie carefully.

“I just want to make sure that you’re aware — if something happens and you haven’t told Mr. Buckley, he could refuse.”

Eddie shakes his head vehemently.

“No,” He says confidently. He looks at Stacy again, dead in the eye so that she knows he’s serious. “He wouldn’t do that. Believe me.”

“And if your family tries to fight it?” Eddie looks away then, and his eyes get a little distant. He smiles a small, private smile, before looking back at Stacy.

“They won’t ever fight as hard as him. Trust me.”

Stacy holds his gaze for a moment.

You learn a lot about people when you’re in her line of work — people come in all of the time and show her their hands, inadvertently pouring their hearts out, and revealing everything that’s most important to them as they sort out their estates. She’s seen plenty of people make weird, terrible, stupid, and callous decisions in the event of their death. She’s seen plenty of people come in after a close call and make hasty, half-baked decisions that she doesn’t have the power to counsel them against.

But, with her admittedly limited understanding of who Eddie Diaz is as a person, he’s not the kind of person who makes hasty, half-baked decisions, especially not when it comes to what he loves most — Christopher. They’ve only seen each other a few times: when Eddie first moved to LA and was altering his will, and when Shannon died. She’s seen him worn, tired, dragged down by grief. From what she sees, he’s a man who’s burdened by the need to do what's right for everyone else around him.

When he came in with his parents the year before, he had seemed small, and it had struck her. She remembered him from their first meeting as an army man with strong shoulders and a jaw set with stubborn determination — but then he just seemed like a child.

The man in front of her now is somewhere in between, softened by the home he’s clearly made for him and his son here. He’s still worn, a little shaken after his incident, still clearly grieving the loss of his wife, but the look in his eyes is strong and sure.

And as much as she would prefer that Mr. Buckley, or Buck, as Eddie keeps calling him, were here, she can clearly tell the difference in how Eddie feels about him versus his parents by the way he talks. He didn’t say much when his parents were in her office, just nodded along to what they said and made quiet, reserved comments to affirm their decisions. At the time, she wasn’t sure if it was the grief or their presence that was making him small — but she gets it now. Buck clearly understands Eddie in a way that few people have before.

She just hopes that Eddie talks to him about it soon — because the man does seem to be a kind of magnet for life-threatening situations, and she would really prefer not to have to break the news to a surprised, grief-stricken Evan Buckley herself. That’s her least favorite part of the job.

But she doesn’t press any further — Eddie’s made his case and Stacy’s certain she won’t be able to convince him to hold off any longer to at least talk to Buck, and they finish sorting out the paperwork.

Stacy sends Eddie off with the promise to get in touch with him when the changes to his will are finalized, and a gentle suggestion to talk with Buck soon.

He’s out the door feeling a dozen pounds lighter.

Eddie considers telling Buck after that, he really does. He understands that it’s probably something he should hear about sooner rather than later. But something holds him back, something makes him want to keep those cards close to his chest, and he’s not sure why.

He doesn’t tell anyone, not for a while. He really should tell his parents — and he will, eventually — but he’s not really looking forward to that particular conversation. He can already hear their arguments in his head, how Buck is in just as dangerous a profession as he is, how Buck is a stranger — not family, how he’s barely known this man for two years when they’ve known him his whole life — that one will make him laugh, he’s sure.

The first person he tells ends up being Carla.

It’s a few weeks later and he’s chatting with her on the phone, chopping up vegetables in the kitchen, helping prep dinner while Chris and Buck are playing games in the living room.

He’s been thinking about broaching the topic all night, now that he’s gotten a chance to be alone with Buck, but he feels a little anxious at the idea — even though he knows Buck won’t refuse. It just feels like a big thing that they probably won’t ever have to deal with — it’s not like he plans on dying.

But the idea is fresh in his mind, so it shouldn’t be that surprising when Carla asks him what’s new and he responds, “I changed my will.”

She doesn’t say anything for a second, and Eddie glances down at his phone to make sure the call didn’t get disconnected on accident.

“Oh?” Carla asks, clearly surprised. “What made you change it?”

“The well,” Eddie says, sliding some chopped carrots off the cutting board and into a bowl. He hears Carla hum in acknowledgment, then smiles as he hears Buck shout from the living room. Chris beat him, again. He’s alive, he’s okay.

“What exactly did you change?”

“Christopher’s legal guardianship...you know, if anything like that happens again and, uh, I don’t make it,” He tries to say this casually, but his throat starts to close up again at the end. He coughs.

“Who’d you change it to?” Carla asks, her voice soft. Eddie pauses, then steps away from the counter, peeking around the corner to check on Buck and Chris. The volume of their game is loud — too loud, really — but they’re engrossed in it, and Eddie’s comfortable with the thought that they can’t overhear his conversation. He walks back to his phone.

“Buck,” He admits quietly.

“Did you talk to him about this?” Carla asks, eventually, and it strikes Eddie how well she knows him. She doesn’t even sound surprised that he made Buck Christopher’s legal guardian.

When he doesn’t respond, he hears Carla sigh.

“Eddie, this is the kind of thing you should talk to him about. If something happens and he suddenly finds out from your lawyer—“

“He’s not gonna refuse,” Eddie says confidently.

“No, and I didn’t say that he would. It would just be fair to him to tell him before, God forbid, something happens to you and he has to hear it from a stranger instead of his best friend.”

“I’m not planning on dying any time soon, Carla,” Eddie says, and he wants to feel confident as he says it, wants it to come off light-hearted and joking, but he’s still terrified and his voice betrays him.

“I know you’re not, honey,” Carla says sympathetically. “But we both know that anything can happen to any one of us, any day. I know I don’t need to remind you of that.”

Eddie nods, even though Carla can’t see him, and continues chopping vegetables.

“It’s just,” Eddie pauses, working out his words. “I don’t — should I tell Christopher? Maybe he should know first.”

“How did you do it when you changed it with your parents last year?” Eddie shrugs.

“Wasn’t really my decision. They were here, they decided it should be them, they told Christopher, we went to my attorney and made it happen. This time...this time it was my choice. And I don’t really know what to do here.”

He lets out a shaky laugh and finds himself, surprisingly, wishing Shannon was here.

It’s one of those things that happens after you lose someone you love — you forget all of the bad parts of your relationship and start to miss the good. He wishes she was here right now, chopping vegetables, teasing him for being useless in the kitchen. He wishes he wasn’t having this conversation right now. He wishes he didn’t feel so old, so marked by death.

He hears Christopher’s victory shout from the living room again, and his heart races to latch onto it. As long as he has his kid, everything’s okay. He wouldn’t take anything back — not for this. Christopher’s happy now.

Then he hears Buck laughing good-naturedly, hears him lowering the volume, and then listens as Chris tries to wheedle another round out of him.

“Come on, buddy, it’s time for me to start dinner. I gotta make sure your dad doesn’t burn any of our dinner in there, or accidentally chop a finger off cutting vegetables. Let’s go get you washed up and then we can help him out, okay?”

Eddie doesn’t hear Christopher’s response, he imagines it was something like a groan and a not-so-subtle eye roll, but he registers the sound of the TV cutting off and Buck’s weight lifting up off the couch. A couple of seconds later and there’s the sound of running water in the bathroom down the hall, and Christopher giggling over the noise.

Everything’s okay.

“Look, Carla, I’m sorry to cut this short but — Buck’s here and he’s about to come help me out in the kitchen, so, I gotta—“

“Just breathe, Eddie. You’ll figure it out, okay? Just make sure you tell him soon.” Eddie hums, noncommittal, and he’s pretty sure he can hear the way Carla shakes her head fondly. “And give that boy a kiss for me, will you?”

“Christopher or Buck?” Eddie jokes before he can stop himself. He freezes, knife hovering mid chop. He hears the water in the bathroom shut off and starts to panic, for some reason he can’t explain. That’s a normal joke to make about your friend, right? Carla would totally kiss him if she was here.

“Whichever one you want,” Carla says after a while, quiet and knowing.

“Hey, is that Carla?” Buck asks as he enters the kitchen.

“Great, thanks Carla, bye,” Eddie rushes, flustered and scrambling to end the call. He turns back around to face Buck, who’s looking at him quizzically.

“I was just gonna say hi?” He says, tilting his head to the side. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Great,” Eddie says, unconvincingly. Buck raises an eyebrow. “Um, fine, just — not sure...how many...potatoes you need me to chop?”

Buck doesn’t take his eyes off Eddie. He studies him, eyes flicking over his face, mentally running through his memory to see if Eddie’s been off lately. And, well, he has — he almost died a couple of weeks ago.

Eddie’s caginess isn’t hard to read — but Buck’s gotten pretty good at knowing when’s the right time to push and when’s the right time to sit back and wait, let Eddie come to him. As much as he doesn’t like it, this is a sit back and wait kind of situation.

He regards Eddie one last time before stepping up to the counter next to him, his hand hovering behind Eddie’s back. Eddie really wants to know why that makes him nervous all of a sudden. They’re close to each other all the time, practically touching each other constantly, but right now proximity to Buck is making it hard to breathe. Buck’s only got a couple of inches on him but it feels like he’s towering over him. It’s making him a little dizzy.

“I’m pretty sure this is enough,” Buck says, sliding away from Eddie and pulling a tray out of the cabinet by the stove, blissfully unaware of the way Eddie’s heart is racing in his chest. “I told Christopher he could help so I figured he could season the vegetables? I’ll measure the spices out for him so we don’t end up eating pure salt like we did last time.”

He sends Eddie a wink as he says that and then turns around, pulling spices out of Eddie’s cabinets and grabbing these tiny bowls that Eddie didn’t even know he had. He’s stunned, watching Buck move around the kitchen with ease, like this isn’t the hundredth time Buck has been over to cook them dinner.

It feels a little like he stepped into some alternate reality, like everything is exactly as it should be but something’s just slightly off. Something’s shifted, but he’s not sure what.

When Christopher comes in moments later, Buck gets him set up at the table easily, letting him sit himself and setting his crutches to the side, placing the tray down in front of him with all of the spices in reach, and pointing out what each of them are and explaining how they flavor the food.

He drizzles the oil over the vegetables and then lets Chris go for it, dumping the bowls over the tray and then getting in there with him, using their hands to coat them all evenly. And that, of course, is Christopher’s favorite part. While Eddie’s still processing, the kitchen’s filled with the sounds of Christopher laughing and Buck laughing along with him, encouraging the way he tosses each vegetable around to cover it in spices.

Eddie stands at the counter, still stunned, but warm all over. This is the kind of thing that keeps him going, the kind of thing that keeps him fighting when things get hard. It’s the kind of thing that Eddie will tuck inside his heart as a precious memory that will come back to him in the future whenever things inevitably get dark again.

He doesn’t want to tell Buck about the guardianship yet. He’ll tell Christopher first, and then his parents, and then, whenever the moment’s right, then he’ll tell Buck.

He’s not in any kind of rush. Things are perfect right now, and he just wants to enjoy that for a little bit longer.

[alittlextrathatway]

General prompt #50 & Brettsey please 😊❤️

“I didn’t know where else to go.”

******

Sylvie isn’t quite comfortable with what’s unfolding around her. She can’t explain it. No one’s done anything or said anything to offend her, but there’s something unsettling about the way the group of men in the back corner of the bar are staring at her.

And if she’s learned anything from her years in the field, it’s trust her instincts.

They’re out celebrating Severide’s birthday. Whatever weirdness that’s happening between Kelly and Stella is forgotten for now, but after they stayed in last year she does find it suspicious that her friends opted for a group outing instead. It feels as if they’re using the public setting to avoid the tension between them, but it’s none of her business. Besides, it’s not as if she isn’t doing her fair share of ignoring tonight too.

She’s been avoiding Matt all night long. Which has been difficult since it’s just the four of them at one table. They’re not at Molly’s for once. This place is nicer. They had a fancy dinner at Swift and Sons, which Sylvie could never refuse, and then stopped in the more sophisticated bar down the street for after dinner drinks.

Stella and Severide have disappeared, likely into the bathroom to make out, and Matt is at the bar getting another drink.

Meanwhile, she’s at their table being blatantly leered at by a group of men in perfectly tailored suits and extremely expensive watches. They keep looking at her and whispering. It’s making her nervous and self-conscious.

She hadn’t had much opportunity to dress up lately so on Stella’s reassurance she’d gone all out tonight. Her dress was backless, sure, but it had a high neckline and long sleeves. She felt like it was the perfect mix of daring and demure.

But now she’s questioning the wisdom of her decision. Maybe she should have worn something less...eye catching. Her skin crawls as their eyes continue to drag over her. She gulps down a large sip of wine, praying she’s being paranoid and the wine will dull her imagination. But then one of the men stands from the table with his gaze intently focused on her.

Oh no.

Her eyes frantically search for a quick escape, sighing when they land on Matt.

She stands, grabs her purse, and winds her way through the tables as quick as she can. Settling herself onto the bar stool next to Matt, she loops her arm through his and leans in to speak softly.

“Please just go with it. There was a rich creep coming over to talk to me and I didn’t know where else to go.”

His shell shocked expression instantly sharpens, neck craning around the room. “Who was it?”

“It doesn’t matter—“

“Sylvie, if someone was bothering you I need to know.”

“They were just...staring but it felt invasive. Back corner table to your left,” she murmurs, pointedly not glancing over at them.

“Ah, a group of trust fund pricks, makes sense,” Matt scoffs, edging closer to her and tossing a protective glare at the men. “Assholes.”

“It’s been a long time since I’ve been out and this dressed up,” she says with a tired sigh. “I think I got a little too excited. Should have gone with something more conservative.”

“Because of those jackasses?” Matt asks, brow furrowing in disapproval. “It’s not yours or anyone else’s fault that they can’t be respectful. You should wear what you want. Their bad behavior has nothing to do with you.”

His old fashioned is set down in front of him and he takes a moment to focus on the glass instead of her, fumbling over his words slightly. “Besides, uh, I think you look really great — stunning, even.” He clears his throat as he cheeks color and she thinks he looks adorably shy. “Dark blue is always a good color on you.”

“Thank you, Matt,” she says while an affectionate grin slides over her face.

He nods and takes a considerable gulp of his drink before replying. “You’re welcome.”

“You look good too,” she assures him, leaning back to get another good look at his trousers, light blue dress shirt, and suit jacket. “The shirt brings out your eyes.”

The only thing missing from his look is a tie, but if she’s honest she finds his open unbuttoned collar much more appealing anyway. It allows her to get a peek at his chest, which is not at all an unappealing sight. Not that she should be thinking such things. Ugh. She’s supposed to be getting over him. Not...whatever this is.

Their eyes connect and then appraise each other again. His eyes are darkening and she can feel her entire body flushing. He truly does look a bit dapper tonight. It reminds her of Joe and Chloe’s wedding and how every time she’d danced it had been with him.

She knows now that she hadn’t imagined the coiling build up of tension between them and that his hand constantly finding its way to the small of her back had meant something. At the time, she told herself she was being silly but now with all that’s transpired since she knows he felt the heady heat of attraction too.

The same heat she’s feeling right now, in fact.

He leans further into her space, tilting his face toward hers. “I really want to kiss you right now.” He gulps. “I’ve been wanting to kiss you for weeks now actually. I haven’t been able to think about anything else, if I’m honest.”

“We shouldn’t,” Sylvie replies, biting her bottom lip. “Nothing’s changed since our last talk.”

“You don’t know that,” he insists, in a hoarse gentle voice. “You’ve been too busy avoiding me to ask.”

She arches her neck back to get a long look at his entire face. Her eyes search his expression for any hint of what he means, but aside from the longing and the lust in his stare she doesn’t find a single clue.

“What do you mean? Should I ask? Because if I do and your answer is the same—“

“I think we got our wires crossed. I think you asked one question and I, in all my stupidity, heard a different one,” Matt supplies, cutting her off. “You think my answer meant I’m still in love with Gabby but in my mind I said something else. In my mind, I was trying to tell you that I will always love Gabby and care for her as I would any other friend. It’s complicated because she and I went through a lot together and I can’t forget that relationship ever happened. I learned so much from the mistakes she and I made—If I forget it then history will keep repeating itself and that’s the last thing I want. Especially with you.”

“I wasn’t asking you to forget her,” Sylvie clarifies. It never would have occurred to her that he might think that. “I just don’t want to be with someone who will always be wishing that I’m someone else. I want someone who wants me as much as I want them. I deserve that. What I don’t deserve is to be left in the dust should Gabby ever decide to come back.”

“That’s never going to happen,” Matt replies confidently.

“She came back last year, Matt. It’s possible—“

“No, not Gabby coming back. I’m sure that will happen. I wasn’t talking about her.”

“I don’t understand.”

He huffs and chuckles dryly, sounding affectionately exasperated. “I would never leave you in the dust, Sylvie. I need you too much to walk away. You have this idea that you’re somehow second best, and maybe that’s on me, but I promise you that you aren’t. You stand completely alone in my mind. So much so that when you’re around it’s hard to notice anyone else exists. If anything, no one else comes close to you.”

Her eyes start watering at his words. He’s managed to say everything she ever wanted to hear. But even in her wildest dreams it hadn’t sounded that beautiful or felt quite so satisfying.

She leans back in, pressing her forehead to his. “You should definitely kiss me now.”

“Are you sure?” He asks, a hungry expression overtaking his face. “There’s no going back this time. If you ask me for space I’m going to push through it. I’m going to fight for you.”

A thrill runs up her spine. He said those words with such determination. God, he truly does want her, doesn’t he?

“I’m sure, Matt,” she answers, reaching up to run her hands through his hair. “Kiss me.”

And then he does. Somehow, it’s even more perfect than the first time. Her fear and hesitation are gone and she can pour her entire being into him. All her walls are down. She tried to move on from Matt Case, but she should have known she never would. No one else makes her feel secure enough to drop all of her walls. Only Matt.

From now on, there’s only Matt.

[realityshiftingandblogging]

My opinion on something in this community.

Okay, I know I said I’m avoiding opinions but I need to get this out before I continue with today fjsbfjsnsk. AFTER THIS IM TAKING A MENTAL BREAK FKSDBFSBF 

Tw: Mention of respawning, death, suicide, toxic behavior, cursing and slight mention of abuse.

Heads up before I start, I want to say I am someone who believes it is possible to shift permanently and I also believe your physical body, in no way, can be affected by shifting unless you mean trauma wise because you shifted to somewhere not so mentally friendly and so on. I may change my belief depending on whether it has enough backing or makes sense, logically, to me. So if you’re reading this when i’ve changed my views then you can go “heeeeyyyyy old you” and move on from this post lmao. Anyway here we go!

This "permanently shifting is respawning" BOTHERS ME SO MUCH. I, personally, want to shift permanently because I see no future here, I have no interest here, I am not in a good home situation, and that SHOULD BE valid. To associate people who want to live a better life and live out their dreams in a safer form with something that isn't on the communities best side is going to . . .

1. Spread misinformation on the definition of respawning

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Ahem, and before I move on let's look at the definition

Respawn: (of a character in a video game) reappear after having being killed.

This could also relate to reincarnation. Let's check that definition too.

Reincarnation: the rebirth of the soul in a new body.

See also "reincarnation, also know as rebirth or transmigration of a living being begins a new life in a different physical form or body. "

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2. Not only will it spread misinformation, those who hop on the "majority belief train" might spread hate towards those who really can't stand to be here.

⚠️ Permanent Shifting and Respawning are two different things. Respawning has no definite security that you will be in your DR, it's too risky. As for permanent shifting, you simply shift and stay. There is no harm to your body or anything and you can ALWAYS come back if you decide to, something respawners cannot do. Permanent Shifting and Respawning are two different things. Comparing those two is like saying shifting in general and Respawning are the same because they both involve leaving this reality. They arent, and you know it. Just because they both stay in their DR doesn't mean they are the same. If you disagree, I have an entire server and a lot of people to back me up that it is not the same. They all agree, it's two different categories. Permanent shifting isn't always permanent and you can come back, there's no harm to you or your body. Respawning isn't guaranteed, nor can you ever come back. There is a big difference. Stop clustering. I spoke with a respawner on Amino who said that Respawning is the disposal of the body AFTER shifting and ties are severed. It is not done by then consciously. Secondly in addition to that, permanent shifting means you can always come back if you change your mind and the ties with this reality is still there. There is a big difference here. ⚠️

People who see no future here are not cruel to their families. People who, at an early age, dreamed of being somewhere else other than 'home' are not cruel. People who want to see their comfort characters and stay there, consciously, are not cruel. It. Isn't. Wrong. It isn't disgusting. It isn't mean. It isn't "mentally ill." If you see it as wrong then tough luck buddy because I don't care. Unfollow me or block me. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.

ANOTHER THING THAT IS BOTHERING ME.

Those who shift permanently are not evil, cruel, or stupid. Nor are they harming their old reality/current reality body. And I do not want to hear the "you can't shift permanently without respawning" excuse. Yes, you can. Shifting your conscience has no time limit. It does not in any shape or form, in my mind, make sense logically that there is a time limit where your cr body, which shouldn't have control over you in another reality, just yeets you back.

Why does this community INSIST on just blocking respawners and giving them hate. I don't support it 100% right now, but what I'm saying is don't bash someone who needs your help?? Like I get the whole "I'm going to shift and my CR body will die right after I leave" is unsettling to a lot of people and many might be triggered by the topic. I get that. But ????? Y'all are TOXIC as hell to completely bash these people. (And if you haven’t then good for you ILY here’s a lolipop 💖🥺🍭.) Like??? Yes, you can verbally do that because it’s the internet. But should you, morally? In my opinion, no. If someone is saying they want to dispose of their body and you tell them they aren’t welcome to talk to you, then what the actually HELL.

( I get that someone randomly venting to you is frustrating and mentally draining which can cause worsened depression or a worsened mental state; always ask first before venting unless you need immediate help, kids. So to clarify, that’s not what I’m saying in this context. )

Don’t be a d*ck. Stop hating someone who may even need help. That’s TOXIC AS FUCK. I don’t CARE if you think it’s weird or gross. Belittling, excluding, bullying, etc is invalidating someone who could use information and support and that is DISGUSTANG. I DON’T CARE IF YOU DON’T LIKE WHAT I’M SAYING. Don’t hop on the majority train and stay there because you’re too afraid to voice a different opinion so now you’re going to be a d*ck. It’s not cute nor is it funny. As Michael Jordan said, “Stop it, get some help.” 

All I literally ask of anyone reading this is to validate those who you know nothing about. Talk, communicate, and reach out. If you feel uncomfortable with it, that’s fine. If you feel triggered by the topic then that is also fine and VALID. Just don’t be an ass to other people who might feel the same way.

Also as a closing and before I hear “I’ve never seen this issue, you’re just starting shit” kind of thing I will have you know IT DOES HAPPEN. Especially on amino and discord servers I have been on. It does happen. It needs to stop.

 Instead of bashing them and then saying they're wrong with no further explanation maybeeee you should try something more decent. For example you could explain to them what respawn is, the effects to those here, how it works, and avoid anything opinionated until they have the facts (I’m going to use facts as a loose term being that we are a small and new community and we still need more scientific backing or experiences to gain more insight). Also you should explain that YOU DONT NEED TO RESPAWN TO STAY IN YOUR DR PERMANETLY. A number one factor, that I have noticed, is they take the risk to respawn because someone failed to inform them that they didn’t need to kill themselves to stay in their DR permanently. Due to this, they take the risk because they would rather do it than ever come back to this reality which may not be kind to them at all. And that is a community failure. Instead of bashing someone who may need help, talk to them. Inform them. 

⚠️ALSO FYI some people respawn for spiritual aspects but right now I'm talking about the suicidial part of the respawn community so if you're a spiritual respawner I'm not talking about that, I'm just mentioning the other part. 🧍🏻‍♀️⚠️

[bookwyrminspiration]

(Ophelia/sokeefitz with asd kid anon again) I’m sorry for coming back so soon again. I really really want to scream right now, but I can‘t because…I don’t know actually, I can’t raise my voice like that for some reason lol. How do people willingly raise their voice anyway? I try to do that but most of the time it just results in me being even quieter I guess. Anyway, that’s not the point of this tangent. I’m going to lose my mind at some point, I feel like I’m dying very very slowly. Like everyday, a piece of me just chips off and one day I’m just going to snap or something. Like I’m just going to slam my face into a mirror or crush my hand in a door. I think my rationality has completely died by now, well I think something died I don’t know if it was my rationality or not but something‘s gone. My emotions are very flip-floppy. Very very much so. Like I’ll be working or something, and I’ll just be slamming my fists on the table one second and then singing quietly the next. Or I’ll hit my head and then immediately be like “Oh that hurt- why’d I do that??”. These past few days I’ve been extra anxious quite literally no reason. Like. Nothing’s happening now and nothing’s happening soon, there wasn’t really an event that triggered this it just kind of started a couple days ago. and when I say ‘extra anxious’ I mean extra anxious by my standards, and I already have severe anxiety normally. It almost feels like I’m anticipating something right now, but I have absolutely no clue what. I hate feeling like this, existing as myself, and even more than that I hate not having a single clue what the hell my problem is. Why am I like this? Why is this my life? Why can’t I just exist normally or at least happily? And I feel like I should clarify that I’m actually not in normal school. I’m online, at my house. I got pulled out of in-person schooling last year when my attendance tanked because I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning because I literally couldn’t move since my anxiety about the school was so bad. My reaction to being at the school was actually so extreme that my doctors thought I was being bullied, because even being near the school building was enough for me to break down. Halloween was the first time I saw a kid my age since the school year started. I’ve been working all the time, because I’m too slow at working to even be able to dream of not being behind at school. I can’t even leave my house most of the time because I’m too scared of seeing someone I know, and also I’m so low on energy from doing school work that I just don’t have enough to go under all the stress of being outside. (I had the reputation at school of being that one quiet weird kid in the back of the class, at least for the people who noticed me at all.) Anyway, my only hope for an escape out of this waking nightmare is that I get a heart attack and die young, but I can only dream. I hope you‘re having a great day and I wish you only the best, and I’m sorry that this ask is so so long and once again you don’t have to answer it. I know this one is probably more extreme than my other ones, I’m so sorry for that.

hey, Ophelia, welcome back! It's nice to see you again, and I don't think it's too soon after your previous ask! Also I saw the one you sent me about switching to Ophelia as I suggested, so I'll answer that one when I can! There's a song titled Ophelia by The Lumineers that I've always liked, so that was part of the inspiration (please don't read too much into what the lyrics mean, as I don't actually know and any meaning you find in them whether positive or negative is something I'm unaware of! I just like the bouncy vibes and always like listening to it)

that thing about screaming is very relatable. It seems to be cathartic to so many people but anytime I try I unsettle myself. Once when I was overwhelmed and having a brief meltdown while driving home I tried screaming in the car because I hadn't yet figured out what to do with the energy while also operating heavy machinery and I got like one second in and went Nope. It's too loud for me. So if I scream it's more of a silent thing without making any actual noise. The urge is there but the follow through never helps in the way I want it to!

"everyday, a piece of me just chips off and one day I’m just going to snap or something." I think I get what you're saying, and if I do then I am so sorry you're going through this. It absolutely sucks. it feels like you're a finite resource that was asked too much of one time and now you're permanently behind and no matter how much you rest you'll never get back to that original feeling of rested/wholeness. Like a constant depletion and even getting something back doesn't bring you back, if that makes sense. I don't really have vacations at the school I go to, so I get this way most of the time during the brief breaks I'll get when a semester ends. And then I do nothing the entire break and yet doing nothing still doesn't give me back all the energy I depleted during the semester, so I'm always going forward with less than what I used to be. I don't know if that's how you're feeling, but I'm trying to understand.

and that rationality being gone is understandable. Like your brain won't do the things you're supposed to but you're stuck tagging along? I know I often watch my brain/body decide things and it's like I'm observing from afar like wtf was that for?? If that makes sense. Not exactly what you were saying but it's what you reminded me of.

flip-floppy emotions!! that's an interesting way to describe it. I've always described something similar as "all or nothing" emotions, like my brain won't register something as an emotion until it reaches a certain level and by that point it's a very big emotion and I don't know what to do with it! And then I'm stuck experiencing it until it goes away and I do the "why'd I do that" thing you mentioned. I don't usually hit my head (same kind of thing as the screaming) but I do hit my thighs fairly frequently. Not usually enough to be of any concern in terms of bruising myself or anything, but occasionally my brain will go slap and I'll hit myself really hard with no thought behind it and i'm just sitting there like??? why?? there were so many other ways I could've expressed that?? but my brain said slap and so I slapped.

I'm sorry you've been feeling extra anxious!! that's never fun. when it's tied to something it's easier to try and reason yourself out of it or wait for it to pass, but the endless "oh no oh no oh no" of unspecified anxiety is never fun. The most memorable time that happened to me was during a sleepover, which sucked even more because my friends were aware that I wasn't doing great but I had!! no idea why!! and so they couldn't help me at all.

i've learned to live with a baseline of anxiety and overly-observational thoughts and an almost mechanic way of living to get on by, so it really does take a lot to get me overly anxious in a way I'll recognize (like I said emotions don't really register until they're big), but when it happens...never fun. So I'm really sorry you're going through that!! Maybe it's an anxiety attack of some kind, as those can last weeks.

"why can't I just exist normally." I think I get that. Since I spend a lot of time alone, I often forget just how unusual my mind works until I'm around others. Whenever I'm in class sitting by other students and seeing how they work and the things they talk about and just how they function I'm always fascinated. because it makes...no sense. Like you are taking these actions and saying these things why?? I don't think I have the longing to be like them, but there are times when my anxiety gets really bad that I want more than anything to be normal just to make it stop. Ask me any other time and I'll say no, that getting rid of all that about me makes me Not Me, but in the moment I'm just so panicked that I'd do anything to make it stop, even being normal (fitting in is something I stopped wanting a long time ago because it feels like it diminishes other things, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to fit in. anything that makes you more comfortable and happier is entirely valid. if that's being normal, I completely support you <33)

I'm also in online school. Not 100% of the time, as I do have one (out of five) in-person class right now, but if I'd had the option to take it online I would've. Not just because it saves travel time and gas, but just being around other people my age feels so wrong. Because I'm not like them. Put me in a room of "peers" and I'll feel like I'm in a room of strangers and things I don't understand. I sit literally right in front of my teacher (our tables literally touch) because he's the only person I'm interested in talking to there, and even then I'm mostly just working alone and doing my own thing most of the time. So not because of anxiety, but at least you're not alone about not being in classrooms or not wanting to be there.

I don't have a story to offer to empathize in terms of being behind in school, as I've somehow avoided that so far. but that does come with the working all the time thing. there have been several times this semester where I've had to put everything on hold and just work on homework for hours straight to make deadlines. I remember just a few weeks ago I did five hours straight of French and had to fight myself to focus and not break down because I literally didn't have time to. and the next day when I woke up there were new assignments and I did it all over again.

it's so hard to go outside after doing things like that, and when it's routine to work constantly that time is all the time. Leaving my house makes me anxious a lot of the time, but i'm fortunate enough that the pressure of driving (if I'm the one driving) keeps it at bay most of the time. My brain goes "can't be anxious you're in charge of a car" and then I can put off the stressing for later. But not everyone is like that. And the anxiety happens at the stupidest of things! I get anxious going five minutes away to a bookstore I've been to dozens of times. They know my family there and there's nothing to be afraid of, but the thought of being observed while I'm there makes it terrifying.

(I was also the weird quiet kid. I had a teacher say something along the lines of "they speak!" when I actually raised my hand in class, which was incredibly rare. When I started masking more throughout middle school I became "friends" with a few people who admitted to me that they didn't like me before and thought I was weird and rude, so definitely not a stranger to being seen as strange by your peers)

I hope you don't get a heart attack! It'd be awful if you died. I promise you that there is an alternative to dying and hurting all the time. It may take you a while to figure out what exactly that is for you, but every day you get closer to figuring it out. I don't mean this to sound insensitive or like I'm brushing off your struggles and feelings to be like "haha but it'll be better someday! just believe and stick around!" because I want to acknowledge your feelings and how awful they are to experience while also acknowledging that feelings aren't permanent and they change. I hope that makes sense.

I hope you're doing well, too. I'm doing alright (had a stressful weekend that was different from the normal schedule but I'll make it through). I liked hearing from you though, even if you're not doing great at the moment. Your ask wasn't too long or bothersome. you're welcome to send any length ask you'd like to! And you're allowed to complain and vent. I don't have any rules about sending asks except maybe just "be patient with me" because I'm a single entity behind this entire blog. But there's still nothing to apologize for <33

[nicostolemybones]

Nightmares

@solangeloweek

Tw: nightmares, brief nightmare descriptions (involving knives, crop mowers, and brief cancer mention), trauma mention (non-graphic), hallucinations, paranoia

Will woke up in a state of panic, but he didn't move. He didn't even understand his dream- a perfectly normal character from TV running people over in some kind of lawnmower thingy but for crops, then following him into the library and cutting people open, waiting to get to Will to stab him. It sounded so mundane like that, but… Will was petrified, and worse, he knew he was okay, it was a dream, but what if he'd been stabbed? 

So he lay rigid, not daring to move his hand from the side of his stomach because what if he'd been stabbed? His finger twitched, and he could have sworn he felt a trickle of blood. He knew- he knew that there wasn't anything, because he was safe in bed, but what if he moved and something killed him? Behind him, in the corner, always. Something waiting, something that would make its move at the first movement he made, the first loud breath.

Will tried to keep his breathing slow and steady, watching the way the blanket pounded with his pulse, keeping himself deathly still. 

He counted every agonising minute, waiting for someone to wake up, because he knew that as soon as he wasn't alone, he'd be okay. 

It was two hours before anyone woke up, and Will held his breath as he pulled it away from his side, numb. He could have sworn he could feel the blood, but there was nothing there. He didn't feel safe alone, and he didn't even know why.

Why was he reacting like this? It was a stupid dream, one he was already forgetting the details of, one that he really didn't need to linger on, he'd have laughed his head off if it was in a horror movie because it made no sense and the scenes changed unnaturally. So it shouldn't even be scary, but here Will was, knowing that he was fully safe, but the paranoia telling him that he was going to die. He headed to the bathroom, terrified of the window in there. It was always open, a metal bar with holes the way to prop it open on a peg. The paint was a terracotta orange, chipped over the metal, the glass opaque bubble-like circles, but it always looked like something was moving in there. He practically jumped up, making sure to tap the opposite wall- as a kid when he was scared, he called it the life save button- if he was killed, he'd reset like a video game there and he could avoid being killed and he could not die ever. He couldn't press it if the light was off. And he knew he was being paranoid, but the sudden overwhelming feeling that whatever was on the other side of that window was about to kill him had him running out.

Will hated it because he was still capable of rational thought. He knew that he was completely safe, so why… why was he so scared? He knew the life save button didn't work, knew that nothing was lurking to kill him, knew he didn't really have to think in his head like he was telepathic to the creature beyond the window to tell it that he was secretly an immortal alien who wouldn't be sleeping in the hope of intimidating it out of killing him-

Will didn't understand, how one small unsettling dream, could cause him to act so irrational. And the worst part was being fully aware of how irrational it was. He couldn't even call it a nightmare, because it wasn't… it was just unsettling and Will was a baby who couldn't even handle watching Paranorman. 

He made his way to Nico's cabin, to find Nico already sitting up in bed. He was pale and shaky, staring at the corner. "Are… you okay there, Death Boy?"

"Yeah," Nico said quickly, "just. Nightmare. And now the shadows are moving, so either, the shadows are secretly evil, I'm hallucinating, or my eyesight is really, really shit."

"Uh- Nico, that's concerning," Will said, looking to the corner. The shadows were perhaps a little thick and disturbed, but they weren't writing about any more than they usually did. 

"Yeah yeah, I know there's nothing there," Nico said, "I took a picture and there's nothing on the picture- is there nothing on the picture?" Nico held up his phone, a picture of the wall with flash on, no shadows at all.

"The picture only shows the wall, no shadows. You're safe, Nico." Nico nodded, took a deep breath out. 

"Yeah. I- I know. I know. It's just. Nightmare. Bad. Another nightmare that just. Makes no sense. You know the ones? Not even scary but. You're unaware it's a dream even though it's obviously not real. And. It's usually something stupid and. Like some kind of, just, cursed amulet in an indoor market whilst you shop for edgy necklaces. That's gonna give you cancer and kill you. I mean, that's. Ridiculous. It's not real. But it- the emotions, the fear… maybe, the nightmare is about Tartarus, because it- feels, like it. The feelings, it feels like it, same terror. Is- is that a thing?"

Oh.

Will paused. 

Because was that a thing?

"Like, I didn't, directly dream anything of what happened," Nico clarified, "but, the emotions were, yeah, the, fear of death, abandonment, feeling like, somethings watching me, hopelessness, and I, woke up smelling pomegranates."

"My nightmares are just, increasingly violent," Will said, sitting on the edge of Nico's bed, "and then they manifest in… I don't even know if I can call it paranoia because I'm fully aware I'm being irrational. Or, I just, thrash about and yell in my sleep. And they can trigger weird anxiety attacks and. They manifest in the weirdest of ways and they make no sense yet they leave me absolutely terrified for my life even when I know I'm safe. I don't even know if I can call them nightmares."

"Some of my nightmares are just… recurrent flashbacks, others are just… really, really weird. But they freak me out and make me feel the same fear as the flashbacks. I wake up from them and my heart is pounding like I'm in Tartarus again. If a dream is leaving you feeling like you did back then, then… That's… not good."

"I don't even have trauma," Will shrugged, "I just. I don't understand the nightmares."

"Will, you lived through two demigod wars, you've seen multiple deaths, that's definitely trauma."

"But I barely rem-"

"Remember what happened to you, yeah, trauma amnesia. The more I remembered the more related to my trauma my dreams become. I don't know if that's a thing though. But Will… it's not just the dreams with you. Your anxiety attacks where you can smell the battlefield and feel blood on your hands… kinda sounds like it could be a flashback maybe. But- I'm not an expert. I could be completely wrong. You need a therapist, Will. Your nightmares may just be… a manifestation of trauma. You don't remember most of your trauma to relive it or realise you're reliving it. But it's still there, it still- affects your emotions and stuff. So- maybe it's linked? Again, I'm not an expert."

"How do you stop the nightmares," Will asked quietly, and Nico winced.

"Sorry, buddy, if I knew I'd tell you. I mean, not sleeping works great but after a few days you kinda start hallucinating so I don't recommend just… not… sleeping. I also don't recommend listening to a horror podcast before bed. That's a really bad idea. But I haven't found that eating cheese before bed affects my nightmares so, if cheese is all you have for a 4am snack, just eat it. I mean it might add to nightmares but, when's the last time you didn't have one anyways?"

"Well," Will replied flatly, "this is depressing."

"Yeah, sure is," Nico said, gently patting Will's back, "see a therapist."

[studiobeebo]

Since Mirio's grades are canonically horrible, how about a scenario where the UA staff finally get sick of his 'flying by the seat of my pants' attitude towards academics and forcibly assign him a tutor for a few study dates...who just so happens to be his major (fem)crush. And all he hears is 'Y/N' and 'date', the rest goes in one ear and out the other.

I’m sorry this took so long, this was just so cute and I got invested in it and made it a bit long pfft, either way I hope ya like it!

When Mirio had been asked to talk to one of his teachers after class on that lovely Monday morning, he couldn’t lie and say he didn’t know what this little talk would be about. His grades were…less than satisfactory, and business management was the worst out of every class he had been struggling in. With many eyes being on him due to his status with “The Big Three” he knew it was only a matter of time before they decided to start really getting on him for his lackluster grades. Despite knowing this wasn’t exactly going to be a fun meet and greet, he had gone into it with a bright smile on his face and a confident attitude, facing this problem like he would have faced any other.

The ‘meeting’ started out as he had expected, his teacher leading with some random small talk before getting right to the problem. Honestly, once it was out in the open, Mirio was feeling a bit sheepish as he apologized for his performance. According to everyone else he was supposed to be one of the best, but that didn’t mean he didn’t still struggle with things here and there. Then again, he must have been struggling much more than he had thought, because what he had heard next was absolutely not what he had been expecting to hear that day.

“I’m sure you know (Name), right? She’s very proficient in this class, I think I’m going to see if I can set up a few study dates for the two of you.”

First of all, the question of if he knew of you was one the look on his face answered before even he could voice it. Now he usually had a smile on his face no matter what, but even just the mention of your name always made him feel like some sort of bashful middle schooler with a crush. Well, his current situation wasn’t all that much different from that description, the only difference being that he was in high school. His abundant admiration for you had gotten so bad that Tamaki and Nejire would actively try not to mention you in any conversations because they knew if they did, it would send Mirio on another tangent about how beautiful and talented you are and on and on. It wasn’t that they disagreed or didn’t like you, you had always been pretty nice to the two even if you didn’t talk a whole lot, it just got a tad bit annoying when they heard the same speech every single day. In fact, when Nejire had finally had enough and just flat out started questioning Mirio on why he hadn’t just asked you out yet, he became uncharacteristically but noticeably flustered and tried to change the subject.

While Mirio did get to talk to you here and there, and he always went the extra mile to be as charismatic and impressive as ever when he did, he was still always left wanting to know more about you and wishing he could just spend hours talking about your interests and what not. Because of this, he had given some honest thought to asking you out, but for some reason this was one of the few instances where his confidence just wasn’t there. Every time he’d consider it, he’d just end up doubting himself before just giving up and deciding that he’d rather keep what the two of you had rather than risk it all. Needless to say, you can imagine how delighted and shocked he was to hear your name and the word ‘date’ in the same sentence and it only took him seconds to enthusiastically agree.

With Mirio’s agreeal, his teacher agreed to have a talk with you and see if you’d be up for it, but Mirio hardly payed attention to the rest of what he had to say before he was on his way home, practically on cloud nine. Just the thought of spending some one on one time with you for more than five minutes and without being surrounded by all your other classmates..it sounded like something out of a dream he had. Of course it wasn’t exactly the type of ‘date’ he was expecting, but he could worry about that later, for right now he was completely fine with being stuck in his own little dream world.

Unfortunately though, he couldn’t hide in his happy dreams forever, and before he knew it his teacher had pulled him aside to let him know that you had agreed to tutor him after school in one of the unused classrooms and the reality hit him that the word ‘date’ might not have been appropriate and he started to become a bit more nervous about the whole situation. You were going to be tutoring him and realize he was a total idiot. Was this some cruel joke by the academic gods? Forcing him to improve in his studies or look like a loser to the girl of his dreams? When the day for your first meeting came around, he sort of wished he would have gotten the chance to study throughout the whole day just to make himself look good during your session in the afternoon. In fact he actually tried to do so, but ended up getting scolded for going over flashcards he had made under his desk during a few of his classes.

By the end of the day, he was just barely fighting off the feeling of regret, and when he saw you seated patiently waiting in the classroom your session was supposed to be in, his chest felt tight with both excitement and worry, especially when you looked up and sent a wave his way.

“Oh hey there you are! I was starting to think I totally messed up my dates!” You said, finally getting up to push over one of the other desks next to your own so he could work next to you. When you were asked to help Mirio out with some of his studies, you were actually kind of excited. He was practically a celebrity of sorts at UA so you felt honored that you’d get to help someone out who had such a promising future ahead of them. Plus, he was cute, so it was a win-win situation for you. “Anyways, I figured today we could just go over the stuff we learned so far this week? And then we can follow the same pattern of just briefly going over different subjects again and focusing on the things you struggle the most with!” You exclaimed, already beginning to set up your book and notes for the class.

When you looked up to him again, you were surprised to see that vibrant smile still on his face, but his eyes held a look of unsureness and maybe even fear. To be honest, he just felt stuck because of what he was seeing before him. He had never seen you without your uniform vest and tie on, and he’d never seen you with your hair down, but hell did he sure wish he had. When he saw you staring back at him though, he immediately averted his eyes and laughed out awkwardly before closing the space between you two and taking a seat next to you.

“Sorry, I was just slow gettin’ here! Guess I’m just dumb enough to still get lost in here.”

Mirio couldn’t help but let out another nervous chuckle, laughing and smiling things off being one of his best coping mechanisms when he was scared or nervous about something. He didn’t know why he felt this way, it wasn’t like he had never had a conversation with you, but maybe it was just the fact that you weren’t even sitting a foot apart from each other in an empty classroom that was causing his nerves to become so unsettled. Apparently he wasn’t as good at hiding his uncomfortableness though, because you let out a laugh of your own before speaking up.

“I know it’s like so weird, right? Like we’re friends, it’s so strange to feel like I’m teaching you!” You said before catching yourself and turning to look at him with concern in your eyes. “Not that it’s a bad thing! It’s kinda cool really, we never really get to hang out much anyways.”

“That’s exactly what I was thinking!” He shouted, the smile on his face becoming more sincere and less forced. Mirio let out a small ‘Oh’ realizing he had just yelled in your face out of excitement before lowering his voice and trying again. “I mean yeah, I guess I always meant to get to know you more but never got the chance to actually do it..” He trailed off, thinking about how strange and lame that must have sounded. He had every chance in the world, he saw you every day after all, he just never got the courage to take those chances.

“Ah but anyways, guess we better get started on makin’ me smart!” He said while jokingly knocking on his head. Maybe if the two of you just started working he wouldn’t feel like such an idiot and would have something else to focus on.

“Oh yeah, right! Okay well, let’s start off with managing disciplinary actions of employees, that’s where we started off this week in class anyways.”

You continued to trail on, going through the lesson with him in the book and pointing out certain definitions or points that you found to be more important. After a few minutes, Mirio was actually able to calm himself down and actually focus on what you were teaching him, even feeling comfortable enough to ask you to clarify a few things. His fears that you would think lesser of him were settled by how nicely you were treating him, and the two of you got your fair share of casual conversation in as well, which made him feel even better. He always thought that if he did ever get the chance to be alone with you, it would be hard to keep a conversation going without letting his nerves get the better of him, but talking to you was like talking to any other good friend. Despite the whole dreaded concept of learning, the hour passed by quickly and he was almost wishing he could stay a bit longer.

“Well that was pretty painless, right? And I think teacher only wanted us meeting once a week anyways, so you’re free from me until next wednesday!” You laughed, beginning to close up all your materials and pack them up into your backpack. While you assumed having less meetings with a tutor would be a good thing, it sounded more like some sort of jail sentence to him and he quickly scrambled to think of a way to be able to hang out with you again more frequently. Finally, he decided that now was his chance.

“Oh hey, but uh-” He stopped, his fingers tapping on the table hastily as he tried to force himself to ask you what he had been wanting to ask you for months. “I’m having some trouble with…. math too! Yeah, it’s just seriously beatin’ me down aha, do you think you could help me out with that tomorrow after school too?” He sputtered out hopefully. That wasn’t exactly what he was hoping would come out upon deciding he wanted to officially ask you out, but he figured he’d just need some time to work on that.

You didn’t think it was strange at all though, in fact you were relieved that he liked your company enough to want to hang out with you more than once a week! Well, ‘hanging out’ wasn’t exactly just what you’d be doing, but that was way better than nothing.

“Ah, yeah sure! Y’know I struggle with math sometimes too, guess we’ll be helping each other out then!” You exclaimed, giving him a thumbs up to confirm that you were definitely down for meeting up with him again the next day. It felt a bit strange for the both of you, to begin forming a bond over something like school studies, but if that’s what it took for the two of you to gain the confidence to further your friendship, then you’d both say a few study sessions were definitely more than worth it.

[scifimagpie]

Political Oroboros: Why Marx Is Not Enough

First of all, I realise the title of this piece is inflammatory, so let me lay out some caveats.

I am absolutely not conservative. (One of the first things to know about leftist fighting and discussions online is that 'liberal' has two different meanings; the broad sense in which conservative commentators use it, and the more specific and technically correct sense that leftists sometimes use it - as well as the tertiary sense of, "anyone who isn't quite radical enough.') 

I wouldn't necessarily call myself a liberal in the sense of condoning a capitalist system; I do find the most common ground with proponents of democratic socialism. However, some elements of communist ideology do seem solid, although I tend to like many of the ideas I've seen from anarcho-syndicalists more.

Confused by those terms? You're not alone, but some of the hippest trends among the youth of today are not just trap music and street wear - it's political and philosophical discourse. Different streams of communism and anarchism and debating the concepts of idealists through the ages is pretty great, but treating those ideas as a firm road map and, perhaps, the only acceptable solution or map, is not so excellent.

After several weeks of careful surveillance and investigation, I also came to some unsettling and unsavory conclusions.

Source 

There's a weird and disconcerting mix of progressive and regressive ideas in this new wild west of a political movement; using "gay" and "retard" as insults in this year, and talking about second-wave feminist gender concepts (Penis =  man! Vagina = woman! are not scientifically validated ideas anymore, even if they have held sway for a long time) as though they're based on reality is...a special kind of confusing, frankly.  The person mentioned below isn't actually the "leader" of Antifa (antifacism is a general belief and approach, not an organization; the Black Bloc is something different) but the points they're making shouldn't actually have to be made. And yet, here we are. (To clarify: this person's opinion is, as far as I'm concerned, correct, because it's a summary of historical facts.)

We can try to tweak the perspective on things and change the way someone is seen, but facts have this tendency to assert themselves. And when those facts take the form of thousands of dead bodies, politely covering them up or scootching them out of the way is a bit harder. In the case of leaders such as Winston Churchill, it's been easier to laud their successes and forget the death toll because they were victorious, but it doesn't erase his contributions to the Bengal Famine and his decision to test gas weapons on Kurdish villagers. 

Yet even when we debate the value and leadership of dictators, history tends to reassert itself. 

“History isn’t like that. History unravels gently, like an old sweater. It has been patched and darned many times, reknitted to suit different people, shoved in a box under the sink of censorship to be cut up for the dusters of propaganda, yet it always—eventually—manages to spring back into its old familiar shape. History has a habit of changing the people who think they are changing it. History always has a few tricks up its frayed sleeve.”  ― Terry Pratchett, Mort

 Nobody is good enough

Of course, just because someone agrees with history (!) and is willing to unflinchingly consider mass murderers as guilty of their crimes doesn't mean they'll avoid participating in the cannibalistic discussions of leftist politics. A particularly difficult issue has been criticism of the Youtuber Contrapoints, who has both been lauded for her very real effects in de-radicalizing extremists, and criticized for fumbling her way through understanding non-binary genders (and struggling to deal with the flood of online criticism afterwards.) But merely liking a figure who is problematic (or worse, Trash, if they have failed one time too many) can be grounds for a friendship breaking up or the sort of extremely tense, stressful discussion that keeps one awake for hours afterwards.

As I said on Facebook one night, "Whiny comment of the night: it would be easier to unite the left if the radicals weren't so dead-set on everyone just converting to their beliefs as much as possible.And Seems like you can learn about Marxism, cultural history, feminism, and all of that...but it's impossible to unlearn American cultural hegemonic approaches and seeing violence as the default/best option."  But to clarify, this isn't speculation without sourcing. I did a bit of an investigation into a few leftist pages, and it was really unnerving to see the number of pro-gun and "eat the rich" and "fetch the guillotines" sorts of remarks and posters. The thing is, we've all done that dance before, and it's going on in other countries at the moment. Riots and protests are excellent when they work, but sometimes, they don't - and we don't talk about what happens when they don't. 

The risk of small government

At the risk of sounding like a cranky old lady, smaller governments are still governments. People who think some military junta of kids with guns can replace all the architecture and organizational levels of "the state" are welcome to try working in a city planning office as an admin assistant some time. Having done that myself, I would welcome anyone who wants to just replace and rewrite all those land laws, which by the way exist for reasons, to maybe take a civil engineering course or two.

And if you DON'T want to replace all that architecture, just get rid of the bad stuff - congrats, that's actually just reformism, which is still a far cry from "just accepting things the way they are." 

As a fan and casual scholar of cults, I've had many opportunities to see examples of small, ideologically-driven communities turn rotten. Frankly, I wouldn't trust my own town to just secede and govern itself, even though I'm very pleased with our mayor's decisions. I know too much about white people and sociology and Christianity (as well as other religions and groups) to trust that small, self-governing, autonomous groups will be fine on their lonesome. We're kinda in a globalized society with many, many supply chains. If you don't like that, get working on a time machine.

Yet even if one were to travel back in time, we've always had international trade and whatnot, and isolationism has never worked especially well. Also it's how you get fascism in the first place, so...history says it's how you make the exact monster you're trying to fight. Worst of all, these defenses of fascists and murderers do nothing but divide us along sectarian points of conflict. 

Sometimes I worry the Revolution will just be online and never actually get offline

— 🏴🛡Justin🛡🏴 (@sharkle82) July 19, 2019

What do we do? 

Honestly, my approach lately has just been to ignore Leftbook and debate spaces and not engage. Trying to discuss theory and concepts has led to some arguments over the applications of violence that have, honestly, made me stop trusting and just lose certain friends altogether. One otherwise brave and locally committed person said, "violence is neither good nor bad. It's a tool." Although I agree that self-defense actions are not exactly violent, I just don't think we should glorify aggression, or be eager to shed blood. It tends to lead to bad results, and it's uncomfortably similar to the stance we're opposing. My take?

Personally, I don't trust anyone who thinks the problems will all be fixed if we just kill a few of the right people.

The people who sit around day-dreaming about 19th century revolutionaries aren't necessarily the ones helping to, say, actually fight the battles that need fighting here and now. It may seem ridiculous to say, "hey, watch out for this," and also, "but you can basically ignore it," but frankly, that approach has worked extremely well for me in real life. 

The key is this. What do you want to accomplish, in practical terms? Forget about "praxis" and "theory"; what are the concrete, fundamental changes you want to see, and the results you want in society and your community? Every change comes incrementally. Evolution is unavoidable. However, we have an existing system that we can use - and dare I say it, that we can apply our strength to if we're determined enough. 

How to change the world 

Writing actual letters to politicians in my city, province, and country, engaging in the community fight for preservation of a local Safe Consumption Site, signing petitions for various environmental protection causes, and applying pressure to politicians, as well as keeping an eye on actual local white supremacists, fascists, and extremists has done more and had a greater impact than anything in my decade or so of arguing with people on the internet. 

My only regret is that I didn't start using my skills in the real world much, much sooner. It turns out that all the people who insist that those in power won't listen to "us" are, unequivocally, wrong. And while I do have white and cis privilege to thank for some of my results, I would also argue that we on the left must not presume our own helplessness and confine ourselves to training arenas online.  Get out there. Talk to politicians. Stay up to date on the news and follow multiple sources, rather than reading 150-year-old essays. And above all, embrace the power of both individual actions and solidarity. 

I have more to say about this topic, but instead of creating another series, a few essays may be cropping up. Until then, however, I have real work to do, both in the political world and out of it. For one thing, books aren't going to finish themselves! 

***

Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer and editor. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime and Max the cat. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and learning too much. She is currently working on other people’s manuscripts, the next books in her series, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible.

Find her all over the internet: * OG Blog * Mailing list * Magpie Editing * Amazon * Medium * Twitter * Instagram * Facebook * Tumblr * Paypal.me * Ko-fi

[carlatsukinamistolemyhamsandwich]

Diabolik Lovers Lost Eden Shin Tsukinami route summary

So my copy of Lost Eden arrived recently and I thought I’d start off with my favourite character’s route. I haven’t seen much on Shin’s route so I thought I might as well share what happens. Warning for massive spoilers below the cut. Also my Japanese is super beginner and I got fed up of looking up kanji non-stop and ended up just going for it, so unfortunately I can’t vouch for my accuracy and some bits are guess work on my part. I tried my best and will update this when I’ve gone through it and looked up more of the kanji, if you notice I’ve got anything wrong or have anything to add, please let me know politely ^^

Possible triggers for blood and illness, and general dialovers shenanigans nothing too serious here though, I don’t think. With all that out the way, let’s go!

So in this Yui has been living with the Tsukinamis for a while. She’s chosen to be with Shin and Carla’s condition has seriously deteriorated, though he’s trying to hide it.

The dark situation parts are just Shin and Yui around the Tsukinami house in the demon world. In the first one Yui falls asleep and mutters Shin’s name, he finds her and there’s some teasing involved and some kissing. In the second one, Yui finds herself with a blindfold on and she doesn’t know where she is. Shin bites her. She thinks she’s been kidnapped until she recognises Shin’s touch. He takes the blindfold off and they kiss. In the third, she’s out on the roof enjoying the feeling of the wind. Shin joins her and she tells him the wind feels nice. He then locks her out on the balcony and it starts raining. He won’t let her back in until she says something about him making her feel good (general dialovers blood sucking stuff). Eventually he opens the doors and starts sucking her blood and gets her to say it feels good (I think she might pass out at the end or something, I’m not 100% sure. The screen goes black and you hear Shin’s voice). In the fourth, Yui’s wondering in the garden, think about Carla and Shin. Shin finds her they talk about something and he makes her think he’s going to bite her. He kisses her instead.

Shit starts to hit the fan in the story parts. Carla starts having some sort of fever dream, and sees Giesbach (his father). Shin goes to wake him up but Carla’s still partly dreaming and then starts to strangle Shin. Fortunately he wakes up in time and snaps himself out of it, but Shin realises that he got some of Carla’s blood on a wound (I think, well he definitely got some on him anyhow) and promptly freaks out because Endzeit (the disease Carla’s got) is spread through blood and is absolutely fatal to first bloods. He goes to wash it off and tell himself it’ll be fine, even though you can tell he doesn’t believe it. Carla then sends Shin and Yui to the human world (I’m not 100% sure on why he does this, I’ll play through and update later when I’ve looked up some of the kanji).  So Shin and Yui go to the human world and Shin’s still acting weird and fretting over the fact he thinks he’s got Endzeit. Yui notices he’s acting weirdly, goes to check up on and he takes out his frustration on her (this is where is route preview comes from, I’ve seen some people wondering if he rapes her, just to clarify I’m fairly certain he doesn’t, he forces some kisses on her and rips her clothes a bit but that’s all). After this incident they have a bit of a heart to heart. You get occasional flashes to Carla and see his condition is deteriorating (I actually thought he died at this point but turns out he just coughed a lot and collapsed). At some point in this section you also find out that Subaru’s taken over as head of the family (I believe he’s inherited Karlheinz’s powers in this route) and it isn’t going so well >_< In the manic prologue, Shin meets Kino at Kamimoshi tower (I couldn’t tell if this was arranged or just an accident, or what really transpired, sorry >_<) from what I could tell, Kino was a troll and Shin got pissed. Yui heads over to the Sakamaki house to talk to Reiji (Ayato and Laito show up briefly to say “Hey chichinashi/bitch-chan” before disappearing for the rest of the route). Reiji tells her that Subaru isn’t in a particularly good way and I believe he asks her to stay or at least to speak to him. Yui refuses and asks Reiji about Endzeit, he tells her a bit about it. Yui thanks them and leaves before going back to Shin. She tells him what she learned about Endzeit and possible brought back a book.

The maniac situation parts were adorable.  In the first one Yui and Shin leave the Tsukinami house in the human world and go to the city. I believe Shin threatens to suck her blood in public, but he was just teasing. They end up kissing in the street. In the second one they go for a walk in the woods but it suddenly gets really foggy. Yui loses sight of Shin. He finds her and they kiss again ♡＾▽＾♡ In the third one Yui’s in the kitchen making something. Shin turns up and is being all whiny. Yui apologies to him (I guess he was getting hungry or something, I don’t know). He then bites her as a punishment. Yui says she loves Shin and he continues sucking her blood. In the last one, Yui’s in the kitchen again, this time she’s making cookies with nuts in them. She tries to reach something but is too short. Shin comes in and she talks to him, I think she knocks something in process, cause Shin yells and grabs her and then there’s the sound of stuff falling over. Shin seems kind of shook up (I think he was worried about her dying or something) but they talk for a bit before making out yet again.

But of course the fluff can’t stick around for too long and we descend into the chaos that is the maniac story parts. Shin wants to go back to Carla and so Shin and Yui head back to the demon world. On their way to see Carla they head to Eden, where they find the Mukamis and stay with them for a bit. The Mukami’s reveal Eden is in a bad way because Subaru’s mindset isn’t great. Shin still thinks he’s got Endzeit, but with the information he got from Yui, he found out that one of the symptoms was the dark blotches on the body (I believe this was covered in Carla’s route in dark fate). He goes to the bathroom to check himself out but he seems to be fine. Rather than feel relieved he just feels unsettled because with the time that passed since he came into contact with Carla’s blood, they should have appeared by now. Shin then remembers all the times he’s come into contact with people with Endzeit and realises that he probably should have caught it ages ago. He’s wondering just what this means when Yui walks in on him and then they have a hug (there’s a CG here).

Shin wants to go back to Carla but is worried about taking her with him so he asks Ruki to look after her. He then leaves without saying goodbye to Yui. Shin runs through the forest and wonders if the fact he hasn’t caught Endzeit means he might not actually be a first blood (which is a big deal considering pretty much his whole mindset is built around his pride as a first blood and given that Carla’s about to die, he’s counting on Shin to carry on the first blood lineage). On the way he gets attacked by the vibora (I think they’ve started working with Kino, I don’t know >_<) he passes out in a cave and Kino finds him and drags him off to a dungeon. Yui overhears the Mukamis talking (I think they say something about Shin dying) and Yui begs them to let her go after Shin. They refuse and lock her in a room in Eden. In the meantime, Reiji tells Subaru something about Yui (I think he got a letter from Ruki telling him that yui was in Eden). Subaru heads to Eden and busts Yui out so she can go and find Shin.  In Kino’s dungeon, Kino taunts Shin and leaves him with the vibora king (I think his name has been romanised as Zweig?). The vibora king, tells Shin something about his mother, I believe it’s that she had relations with the prince of the wolf tribe. Of course given that Shin’s already unsure he’s really a first blood, this just makes it worse and he has a complete freak out that he may not be Carla’s real brother and such. Shin then has some sort of conversation with Kino and convinces him to let him go. They then head to the Tsukinami residence in the demon world. At the same time all this is going on, Carla leaves (I think he goes looking for Shin) and encounters the vibora. Now I’m not too sure what happens here cause in the ecstasy story parts you see Carla’s staying with the vibora but I couldn’t quite work out why. I don’t think he’s a prisoner because he’s not in a dungeon but I can’t see why else he’d stay with them. If anyone could help to clear this up for me, it would be much obliged. 

So after that shit storm, we have the ecstasy prologue in which Yui meets up with Shin and Kino. Shin immediately runs to Yui and they hug. Kino, as always, is a bit of a jerk. They head over to the Tsukinami house to find Carla’s gone and Shin freaks out.

The first few situation parts here weren’t as cute as the maniac ones because Shin’s angsty due to all the stuff that’s happened so far (I don’t blame him at this point I was a mess too). In the first one Yui goes into Shin’s room, she says something to set him off and he starts yelling about Carla and the vibora (think there may have been a reference to the incident with his eye in there). He seems to calm down a bit but then decides to get kind of intimate with Yui. I’m not sure exactly what happens but there’s some licking (from the sounds of it). I did actually look up some of the kanji for this one but there were multiple meanings that made sense but imply different levels of what might happen so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯  In the second one, Yui goes to Shin’s room but he’s not there. She then goes out and finds him in the garden moping about Carla again. Yui says she wants to be useful to him, so what does he do? He bites her and sucks her blood. Yui says she loves him again and Shin says she really is a soft-hearted person. Shin gives her a small kiss from the sounds of it. In the third one Yui wakes up in Shin’s room. I think Yui says she’s thirsty and Shin then takes a sip of some water that was on the nightstand and then kisses Yui so she drinks it from his mouth (*^_^*) They talk for a bit and then Shin gives her good morning kisses. In the last one, Shin invites Yui to sleep in his room. They say goodnight and Yui starts to drift off but Shin can’t sleep so Shin calls out to Yui, I believe he says that he can’t sleep cause she’s there. He then kisses her or something and it tickles. And I believe they end up cuddling.

In the story parts, Shin finds some sort of documents about his mother visiting the prince of the wolf clan while she was married (seems like it at least implies an affair) and Shin starts to think that he may actually be the son of the prince of the wolf clan. He tells Yui about this and she comforts him and they have a hug while Shin’s having this sort of mental breakdown. Oh course frickin Kino finds out about this and is like “Oh so Tsukinami Shin isn’t actually a first blood” and was generally a bit of a dick. Shin and Yui head over to vibora territory where they meet up with Carla in the vibora king’s house. Carla is practically dead at this point and tells Shin that he needs to carry on the first blood lineage. Of course Shin thinks he isn’t a first blood and goes to tell Carla, but Yui signals that now isn’t the right time (not really the sort of thing you want to tell someone on their deathbed). Carla then collapses and Yui and Shin head downstairs  (I thought he’d died again cause his sprite faded and I couldn’t understand why they were so calm). And then cause Kino’s a complete jerkface he goes into Carla’s room and is like “oh by the way Shin isn’t actually a first blood.” (┛ಠДಠ)┛彡┻━�� Like why would you do that?!? If I understood correctly he just did it cause he thought it would be funny!!! I mean I guess that if Carla then killed Shin in a rage before promptly dropping dead with Endzeit then Kino could have Yui but if that was his plan, I didn’t pick up on it.  Carla goes down to where Shin and Yui are and this is where the endings come in.

In the Brute end Carla pulls out a knife and tells Shin to die before stabbing him. He says that Shin can make up for deceiving him by dying. Yui holds Shin as he dies and Shin apologies to Carla. Shin thanks Yui and tells her he loves her (;﹏;) Yui tells Shin she loves him. Shin apologises with his final breath and dies. I think Carla kills the Vibora here too. Yui’s holding Shin’s body and crying and then frickin Kino appears. Kino tries to persuade Carla to go to Rotigenburg (something about being able to treat Endzeit). Carla’s having none of it and kills him, he then tells Yui to go but she’s still holding Shin’s dead body. He drags her off while she’s still shouting Shin’s name. Carla then takes her to Rotigenburg (I guess it was just in case Kino was telling the truth). From what I could tell, Kino was right about the fact that Endzeit could be treated in Rotigenburg... But he what he didn’t mention is that the reason it can be treated is because Carla turns into a ghoul and it doesn’t affect him anymore. But now all the first bloods are gone. If I read the last bit right, I think Carla was planning to kill himself (I could be wrong here) and asked his father to forgive him.

In the Manservant end it starts off just like the brute end with Carla pulling out a knife. He says something about Shin having dirty blood and taking him with him. Carla pulls Shin to the floor.Shin tries to tell him to stop and that it’s a misunderstanding but Carla isn’t listening. Carla tells Shin to die. There’s the sound of stabbing, Shin screams and shouts but then it sounds like Carla’s dying?!? Shin shouts for him over and over again but Carla’s dead. I can only guess that Shin struggled and ended up killing Carla by accident. Shin goes nuts and starts laughing. He says something about killing Carla and killing the last first blood. Shin then gets up and starts killing the vibora. He’s completely lost it at this point and just shouts “Die!” over and over again along with laughing manically. Then Kino shows up and reveals he told Carla and asks if Shin is going to kill him. He goes on about how Shin isn’t a first blood and that he’s just killed them off. Shin stabs Kino but Kino starts laughing and taunts Shin some more. Shin stabs him while telling him to shut up. Kino dies and Shin’s left panting. Shin tells Yui to return to the vampires before walking away. At the end Yui turns up at the Tsukinami house I think and knocks on the door but it doesn’t open. I don’t know what happened to Shin at the end of this but this ending was a bloodbath. It wasn’t quite as traumatic as the brute ending but bloody hell was it intense.

In the Vampire end, Carla hugs Shin and tells him that he is a first blood. I think he basically says he’s leaving everything to Shin and Yui before turning into ash and dying (for real this time). Shin’s upset and Kino then comes along and tells Shin that he told Carla that Shin wasn’t a first blood. Shin then kills Kino with magic and tells him he is a first blood. Shin and Yui go to see the wolf pack and they confirm that Shin is definitely a first blood (or at least something to that effect) and clear up the whole thing completely (I’m not sure if the fact Shin never caught Endzeit is explained but oh well). Shin then goes to see Subaru in the Sakamaki house in the demon world and you see that Subaru has freed Christa (this made me so happy). I believe Shin effectively takes control of the demon world and gives an address and Subaru is the first one to start clapping, followed by Reiji (I was almost crying at this point, it was very emotional).  In the final CG, Shin and Yui are having celebratory drink together. Finally Shin mentions something about Carla watching over him.

My thoughts Well that was traumatic ;-; Seriously I thought Carla died like three times before the actual ending because he’d just cough and collapse but then he’d appear later and I was just like “What are you doing here?!?”. It didn’t help that even he wondered if it was the end at times.

Anyway, that aside, I thought this route was awesome, I really loved the bit with Shin and Carla in the vampire end and I also loved the fact that Subaru got to free Christa. Shin was surprisingly sweet in some of the situation parts I thought, I mean you have the general dialovers blood sucking but there were some really nice moments. I was in Shinhell before playing this game but this just dragged me even deeper.

As a villain though, I wasn’t really sure about Kino, I mean he’d just show up at random points and then right at the end when he went and told a dying Carla about the fact that Shin might not be a first blood I was just like ლಠ益ಠ)ლ He felt more like a massive troll than a serious threat really, I guess that might be because he was never seriously after the Tsukinamis anyway. It says a lot that he dies in all three endings. I mean he was a complete idiot in them, especially the manservant end, I was like “Shin has just stabbed you and you want to taunt him some more?!?” I don’t know what he thought would happen.

I was a bit unsure on the whole “Shin may not actually be a first blood” thing. I mean it was a really good plot point and with the whole not catching Endzeit thing along with the letter, I did wonder breifly but I was never really convinced. I mean surely Carla and Giesbach would have noticed beforehand? I don’t know, I might have missed something due to all those kanji >_< but still.

Once I’ve done all the routes I’ll put them in order of my favourites but this one has set the bar high.

So sorry I wasn’t able to pick up on all of the details （◞‸◟）This should at least cover all the major points. Thanks for reading, hope you all have a great day! ｡^‿^｡

[solicube]

My brain is being weird ._.

Hello followers. This post contains some dialogue from a video entry I just recorded today. I wanted to share this because I want to gather some info/feedback on what might be going on. Also, this is probably one of the few times you will find swearwords in my posts, so only continue reading if you won’t be offended (it’s really not even that bad :P).

<log start>

*sigh*

Hello, this is um entry 1. Time...eh, 56 past 7, and date is 30th of May, 2017. Feeling a bit of the “brain-thing” again. Ever since I was a kid, can’t really remember when I started having it *sigh* but, it basically feels like I’m dreaming? Having a lucid dream? While kind of high. Aaaaand yeah, it feel really fucking weird right now, cause I’m “having an episode” right now. Um. Yeah, I don’t know what I’m feeling...and to other people, they can’t really tell because I’m still me obviously...but like *sigh* when I get it, it’s so obvious to me that it’s happening. There’s just this sudden shift in what I’m feeling, and I’m like “Whoa, what the hell is going on? I’m high as balls!” But yeah, it’s a very...unsettling feeling. I don’t even know how to describe it. Oh man...*sigh* Like it feels like....oh I forgot to mention, it feels like I’m also forgetting what is happening in the present as well, like something just happened and it instantly disappears and I can’t remember it. Which is not the case normally, like I should be able to remember, but I struggle to. It’s frickin’ weird. I dunno what it is. I should probably get this checked out some day. Hopefully it doesn’t turn into the case of me having seizures or something, but yeah...yeah, I dunno. Hopefully this doesn’t happen too much. Um...I get it every now and then. I haven’t really recorded anything while I having one before, but I thought it’d just be a good idea as a reminder that I do have this and should probably keep an eye out for it. But yeah, aside from that, don’t worry. I am perfectly fine other than “being high” and having a weird episode of some sort of thing...um yeah....yeah um. Oh yeah, I also don’t know why, but it appears to help if I look into the mirror it helps. I dunno why.

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To clarify...

I am currently 100% okay

I use to get them maybe once a month, but they are very easy to forget. Every time I have one, I get a really powerful feeling of deja vu because I always cannot remember how I feel when I am going through with this “thing.”

I have full control of my own body when it happens, but my mind feels...strange?

I do/did not take any drugs or drink alcohol xD