#to clarify I kind of hate what I’ve written

[fyreflys]

Prompt if you’d like it! Peeta giving his cold to Katniss on accident but since she no longer has a spleen, it turns into a more flu like illness for poor Katniss and Peeta must nurse her back to health (similar to her caring for him in the cave but ya know… #married)

Oooo this is an adorable idea! And I got another prompt that I think I can include that would work perfectly together. MERGE TIME!

Chicken Noodle Soup

(Katniss’s POV) - Love and Some Verses, Iron & Wine

Everlark period/sick-fic, just fluff fluff fluff

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to get you sick.”

Is what Peeta keeps telling her. Constantly apologizing for transferring his cold. Even though Katniss didn’t even bother trying to keep her distance to avoid getting sick, so really it’s her own fault.

Katniss is pretty sure that no one ever really intentionally tries to get others sick, it’s always an accident. Happens as a result of what being sick means. And she knows Peeta didn’t do it on purpose, he couldn’t possibly have wanted to make her sick as a dog. So the fact that he keeps apologizing, as if there’s any possibility that he did do this on purpose, is beginning to make it feel like maybe he did. That, and it’s getting annoying. Very quickly.

“Peeta,” she groans, “Just- shut up.”

She doesn’t actually mean that. He’s really the only thing keeping her sane right now. She’s been bed ridden for three days now, and if her body didn’t feel like shit, there’s nothing she wouldn’t do for a hike in the woods.

“Sorry.” He whispers, dabbing the wet washcloth on her forehead.

Yesterday Peeta dragged her to the doctor, because he’s convinced she’s dying. The doctor just confirmed it’s a bad cold, made worse by the fact that Katniss no longer has a spleen to help her immune system. He gave them some medication that “might” help, and then sent them on their way.

Needless to say, Katniss was not happy. Mostly because Peeta had dragged her out of the house when she felt like shit for no apparent reason.

Peeta was angry too. Kept mumbling something about “malpractice” and the doctor being an “idiot” and then trying to convince her that they need to go to the Capital, to see a “real” doctor.

“Peeta, I’m not sure if you have forgotten, but I’m in exile. Banned, to stay here in twelve for the rest of my life. So no, we cannot go to the Capital.”

She doesn’t mention the fact that she really doesn’t want to be re-reminded of all the terrible things that they’ve seen and had happen to them; most of which happened in the Capital.

“You’re the mockingjay. If something was majorly wrong with you, they’d have to save you.”

“I don’t want to be the mockingjay, anymore.” She’d grumbled as he tucked her back into bed, “and I’ve lived through worse than this.”

He frowned. Much like he is right now, as he looks at her with those big, blue, pleading puppy dog eyes.

“What?” She rasps.

He licks his lips. “I just…I’m so sorry you’re sick.”

She swears his heart is too big for his own good.

“You know what would make me feel better?” She sighs.

He perks up. “What?”

“Cuddle.” She whispers. She’d usually reach out to grab him, but her body feels too much like lead to exert that much energy.

He smiles. “I can do that.”

He peels back the bedsheets, and Katniss shivers at what feels like freezing air. He curls in behind her, gently squeezing her close. She melts against him. The arm around her warm and comforting. Until his hand slips under her shirt and his fingers start tracing patterns on her side, and he begins to pepper kisses to her shoulders. Despite them being small and gentle touches, her nerves feel overly sensitive with how feverish she is, and each soft graze almost feels painful.

“Stop- please,” she whispers, “that- too sensitive.” She mumbles.

“Oh. Sorry.” He places one more peck to her cheek, and then leaves her be.

She falls into sleep like a rock tossed down a ravine, skipping sleep entirely and diving straight into dreams. The world feels like it’s tilting and spinning around her as she dreams. They start out as strange and uncomfortable, but somewhere along the way they get more and more unhinged, twisted visions persisting, until finally-

She startles awake suddenly, eyes snapping open as she gasps for air. The nightmare feels plastered to her eyelids.

“Peeta?” She croaks softly, heart hammering in her chest as a tear slips down her cheek.

But she’s alone. Peeta is nowhere to be seen. She forces herself to reach across the bed behind her in search of him. But he’s not there either.

Momentarily she fears he’s abandoned her, but then she realizes that’s ridiculous. She couldn’t escape him even if she wanted to.

She tries to shake the nightmare from her head. Desperately trying to imagine something else, like- Deer. Deer and squirrels, prancing through the forest. The nightmare was not real not real not real, as Peeta would say.

She takes a deep breath. Her entire body aches painfully. Specifically her lower back and her hips and- oh.

Even sick, and aching all over, she knows this feeling well.

“Damn it.” She huffs.

She supposes it was about time this happened again. She doesn’t bother keeping track. There’s no use with how irregular she is.

“Peeta.” She calls, but her voice is weak.

He doesn’t come. Where is he? She sighs. She’s going to have to do this herself, isn’t she?

She wills herself to gather any remaining energy she has to sit up. It takes a few minutes to convince herself.

I could just wait here, until he comes back-

No.

She sits up suddenly, impulsively, not giving herself a chance to talk herself out of it. Her head spins, pain pounding through her skull. She coughs, clutching her head.

When the throbbing passes she manages to will her legs to dangle over the side of the bed. And then on the count of three she stands. She’s shaky, and the air is freezing agaisnt her feverish skin, and it’s awful.

Just get to the bathroom-

She makes it a few steps towards the door. And then she stumbles. She just barely catches the doorknob. She sends the door slamming closed as she falls.

“Katniss?!” Peeta shouts from down stairs.

She rolls over onto her back, and the world feels like it’s still spinning. He comes rushing into the bedroom, crouching down when he sees her.

“Oh my god are you okay?” Hands are immediately at her head, feeling for any bumps or bleeding, “What happened? Why are you out of bed?”

He sits and sets her head in his lap, brushing hair out of her face.

“Bathroom.” She whispers. “Just. Fell.”

“You should have called for me I would have helped.”

“I did.” She breathes, and even talking is exhausting. With Peeta right above her the world finally stops spinning.

He frowns. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. I was making pasta.”

She takes in a breath through her mouth, nose too stuffy. “Bathroom.”

“Well- I think we should take a moment. You just- what, fell trying to walk? That’s pretty concerning,” He feels her forehead, “and you’re really burning up, gosh.”

She could have told him she had a fever. It feels like it’s radiating through her bones.

“Toilet,” her tongue clicks softly in her mouth, feeling dry, “Bleeding.”

“Bleeding? What- where? Why didn’t you say you were bleeding! Oh my god-“ he starts to shuffle, pulling at her clothes to find the source.

“Period.” She groans, just about fed up with him.

“Oh.” He pauses. “Right. Okay. Let’s get that taken care of then.”

He shuffles to sit her up against the wall, and then scoops her up bridal style. He carefully sets her down by the toilet, holding on as he pulls down her sweats and underwear in one fell swoop.

And yep- there it is. A massacre in her pants.

Peeta helps her sit, making sure she’s stable enough to sit up on her own. He pulls off her sweats and underwear, turning on the sink to set them in.

“Cold,” she whispers.

“Cold? You’re cold?”

Well- yeah, she kind of is. Despite feeling like she’s burning up from the inside, the floor and the toilet seat and the air is freezing against her skin. But she’s referring to the water.

“Yeah,” she breathes, “But-water. Cold water.”

“You need cold water? I can get you water. You’re probably thirsty you’ve been asleep for like four hours.”

Okay, yes, that too. She could use a glass of water.

“Yes, but- blood. Needs cold water.”

“Oh! Yeah, okay. Cold water. Right.”

She closes her eyes, slumping on the toilet as she pees. Peeta leaves to grab stuff from the bedroom. He returns with a fresh pair of clothes. He holds a cup of water up to her lips, and she sips. It feels like heaven down her throat.

“Thanks.” She breathes.

He just pecks her forehead. “How bout I run you a short bath? Luke warm. Try to get your body temp down. And you could really use a shower.”

She groans.

“I know- I know. But it will make you feel better, I promise.”

She just grumbles. He gets to work running a bath, and then scrubs the blood out of her underwear under the sink. He struggles to get a pad into the clean pair of undies, and Katniss finally wills herself to use the little energy she does have to show him. He kisses her cheek.

“Right. Got it. Now let’s get you in.”

She complains, but doesn’t have the energy to fight against him. He pulls off her sweaty t-shirt, and picks her up and sets her down in the tub. The water feels freezing at first. She yelps, clutching at him.

“I know- I know it feels cold but I promise it will help. You’re burning up Katniss. We need to cool you down.”

She holds onto him, and he presses kisses against her head. After a few minutes it starts to feel okay. He gently pours water through her hair. He scrubs in shampoo and rinses. He gently scrubs her with a warm soapy washcloth after he pulls the drain, just under her arms and between her legs, barely batting an eye at the blood. They’ve both seen enough of it for a lifetime. He turns on the shower head to rinse her off. The water feels like freezing needles against her overly sensitive skin. By the time he gets her out and finishes toweling her off she’s pissed.

She glowers at him from the toilet as he dresses her. He ignores her scathing eyes as he sprays in conditioner and brushes her hair, fumbling to put it in a makeshift braid.

“There! See, all better!” He smiles when he’s done.

She is not amused. Yes, her body feels less like a boiling fire, but she still hurts. And despite him doing all the work, she’s exhausted. But she’s too angry and stubborn to admit it, or even consider closing her eyes for some shut eye.

He chuckles. “You’re such a sourpuss when you’re sick, you know that?”

“That was hell.” She snips.

He rolls his eyes playfully. “Yeah yeah, okay Haymitch.”

He pulls her off the toilet and pulls up her underwear and pants. He gently scoops her up.

“You want to set up camp downstairs on the couch? That way it’s easier to get my attention if you need something. Also I’m making you soup.”

She gives a grunt, and winces as the pain that radiates up and down her spine and belly.

“I’ll grab you some painkillers.” He adds on.

She would usually turn those down. But at this point she’ll take them.

He gently lays her on the couch. He runs back upstairs to grab linens. He comes back down with arms full of blankets and pillows. He drops them in a heap on the floor. He leaves again. Katniss looses track of all the things he runs off and gets, eyes slipping closed.

He takes her temperature.

He hisses, “One o’ two. Yeah. You’re definitely getting meds.” Which he shoves into her mouth very shortly afterward. He tries not to look worried, but she can tell that he is. She’s worse than she was yesterday. He forces her to take the medication the doctor gave them the day before. She doesn’t have the energy to fight him.

He tucks her in under one blanket, but gives her plenty of pillows. He sets tissues and a glass of water on the side table next to her head. He kisses her forehead.

“Anything else you need?” He says softly.

Probably. But right now she’s exhausted. And talking is too much energy. So she just hums.

“Okay. Soup should be ready in thirty minutes or so. Do you want me to wake you up or let you sleep?”

Truthfully, she wants him to curl in beside her on the couch and not leave her side. Because with him pressed against her, she has a semblance of relief.

Instead she just grunts. He pecks her forehead again, chuckling softly.

“Okay.”

And then she’s left alone. And despite being tired, she can’t seem to fall sleep. The pain is just too much. Enough that she’d toss and turn, but she doesn’t have the energy to do so. So instead she lays motionless in agony, waiting for meds to kick in.

It’s possible she does drift off. But it seems like each time her eyes open the grandfather clock by her mothers old bedroom door hasn’t moved an inch.

Finally Peeta reappears, with a steaming bowl in hands.

“Chicken noodle soup, for m’lady.” He bows, just for the dramatics.

He helps her sit up, and carefully spoons it to her lips. With how much pain shes in, the thought of food makes her nauseous. But Peeta coaxes her to eat. And she does. One small spoonful at a time. With how stuffed her nose is she can barely taste it, but what she does taste is good.

And it reminds her of the cave, in their first games. As she spoon fed him. Monitoring his leg. Trying everything she could think of to keep him alive.

Thankfully, now is nothing like that. This is peaceful, and warm, and safe.

With food in her belly she realizes how hungry she is. And she just about scarfs down the rest of the bowl, along with the hunk of bread he dips in the broth. And she feels like she has a little more energy.

“You want more?” He asks softly.

She shakes her head. She feels too full. Any more and she might puke.

“Your appetite is back. That’s a good thing.”

“I feel like I’m going to puke.” She grumbles.

“Like- actually?” He freezes, shifting as if ready to grab a bin.

“No- just- a lot of food. Nauseous from the pain.”

He frowns. “The pain meds should have kicked in already. You look better. Less pale.” He feels her forehead. “You don’t feel as hot.”

She winces. “Cramps.”

His face relaxes. “Oh.”

She closes her eyes. With a full belly she’s ready to pass out.

“What if…I tried to rub them out?” He says softly.

Her eyes flicker open lazily. “Please. And- my back- please.”

“Yeah, yeah of course.” He leans in press a kiss to her forehead.

He gently pushes her to lay down. He tugs up her shirt and pulls the waistband of her pajama pants lower.

“Where does it hurt?” He asks softly.

She slowly moves to touch, fingers almost feeling numb against her own skin as she traces just inside of her pelvic crests, and down below her belly button. His warm hands are still almost too much against her feverish skin when he reaches out. But she needs this.

He’s far too gentle.

“Harder,” she whispers, “like bread.”

He’s good at kneading bread.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to hurt you-“

“There’s no way you could make me feel worse than I already do. Please.”

And finally his palms and thumbs press in. She urges more, and more, and finally gets impatient and shifts his hands to press right there and- oh. It feels so good she actually moans.

His eyebrows shoot up in surprise. “Oh?”

“Shut up.” She gasps.

He grins wickedly. But doesn’t comment on any more of her breathless gasps as he digs in and finally gives her relief.

“When- you’re done,” she breathes, “gonna need- bathroom.”

He pauses, “Do you have to pee? I’m literally pressing like right on your bladder-“

“No- new pad.” Because he’s quite literally kneading the blood right out of her. Which would usually be disgusting, but right now the relief feels too good for her to care.

“Oh. Okay.” And he keeps going.

She nearly falls asleep with his hands on her stomach. She still hurts, and the pain still radiates through her bones, but the stretch of her cramping muscles is almost heavenly. She closes her eyes, and Peeta presses kisses to her shoulders, trailing down to her stomach. He rubs softly after he pulls back, hands sliding over her hips.

“You want me to do your back?” He asks softly.

She hums. He helps flip her over. His hands and fingers roam over her skin, pressing and pulling all the way up her spine and between her shoulders. She practically melts into the couch as he soothes her aches. His lips ghost over her skin in subtle kisses, and she never wants it to end.

Eventually he pulls away, tugging her shirt back down.

“Bathroom?” He asks.

She grumbles. “Don’t wanna move.”

He hums. He forces her off the couch anyways, and drags her to the bathroom. She changes things herself, and then he helps her back to the couch.

“I’m gonna eat and then we can snuggle. If you want. I can turn on the TV.”

She just grunts. He turns on the screen above their fireplace mantle, and flips through channels. He lands on a show they’ve binge watched over the years, and then leaves for the kitchen. She zones out the sounds and clatter that he makes. Finally he sits down by her feet with a bowl of soup, and her eyelids feel heavy. She drifts halfway between awake and asleep, until he curls up with her. He presses a kiss to her temple.

“Thank you.” She whispers. He’s done more than enough for her. And she knows he’d do everything if he had to. And she is thankful.

“Of course.” He breathes. And pecks her lips.

She smiles, and uses the little energy she does have to snake an arm around him and hold him close. Their foreheads knock together.

“I love you.” He breathes softly.

She hums, “Love you too.”

[gremlinmodetweeker]

A Boy, A Twisted Memory and A Desire for Love

So this is the first official Ghost story on my blog. I know, I know, it's been a long time writing and I've not written something for the guy, but it's really just because I get so worried about writing him poorly.

I know he's a big military guy who hates having emotions and kills any and all kindness in his heart, but I also really like the idea of him exploring the concept of healing from his trauma? I dunno, I just thought about it.

Also, like König, I can't imagine Ghost keeping normal pets. Originally I had him get a spider, but then I read over his backstory again and it made more sense for him to get a venomous snake. I think it's a major step to overcoming his trauma. By the way! Big trigger warning, this is about a snake! This entire fic centres around a snake!

Anyways, I had some fun writing this but it made me super sad.

TW: Snake, discussion of past abuse, emotional trauma, child abuse (referenced), emotional disregulation

Wordcount: 1.7k

Art from This Post

Story Below the Cut

A Boy, A Twisted Memory and A Desire for Love

Simon locked eyes with the little black and yellow creature housed deep within its cave. It was a small thing, barely hatched from its egg it looked like. The length of a ruler at most. It was a light thing, covered in fine scales along its supple body. This thing was venomous, yes, but it couldn’t do any real damage. It was a threat maybe to a mouse, but a man such as himself wouldn't fall to such weak poison. Swelling, pain, nausea, yes. But death? Not quite.

And yet, his heart quickened within his chest. He could feel the sweat forming on his brow. It had been so long since he’d seen one of these beasts, and yet the same fear from back then wormed its way inside him now.

“Hungry?” Simon’s voice was particularly gravelly, roughened by sleep deprivation and lack of use.

The creature made no move. He’d be surprised if the thing even heard him. Did it even have ears? He’d have to ask the breeder later.

“Been a long time since I’ve seen one of yer kind before,” he admitted. He didn’t quite know why, but it felt somewhat soothing to speak to the thing.

“I killed the last one of ye that I saw. Crushed the fucker right under my boot, I did.”

It didn’t seem to scare the beast off. He wondered if it really was more afraid of him than he was of it. He hoped that was true. He didn’t want to admit that the fear still wriggled under his skin.

“He wasn’t anything like what my dad ‘ad,” Simon closed his eyes as the oppressive memories washed over him, “that one was a right bastard. Bigger than anything I’ve seen ever since. Shoved it right in my face, he did. Wouldn’t let me go till I kissed it right on the lips. If it bit me, I wouldn’t be standin’ ‘ere. But you,” Simon opened his eyes, dark eyes matching two glassy eyes of inky black, “you’re nothing. You're pathetic. You’re… You're so small.”

Simon turned back to the breeder.

Finally, the creature came to its senses and slithered back further into its burrow. So sleek and streamlined, and yet so slow to move. It was afraid of him, that Simon decided the moment he noticed that despite backing away, it didn’t dare look elsewhere.

“How much for this one?” he asked as he pointed at the plastic cube.

“That one?” the woman blinked and looked at what he was pointing at, “the female or the male?”

“The female,” Simon clarified.

“Oh she’s pretty, isn’t she?” the woman adjusted her glasses as she slid behind the plastic cube, “poor girl’s probably pretty scared being out here.” She didn’t mention how terrifying Simon was in his dark clothing, rough fabric stretched tight across his broad frame. He was used to scaring people by this point. Sometimes, like now, he wished he wasn’t.

“How do you pronounce that?” Simon pointed at the name that had been scrawled in blue ballpoint pen on a blank sticker.

“Boida dendrophila,” the woman replied, “she’s pretty young, but she’ll get big soon enough.”

“She’s one of them big ones, yeah?” Simon asked aloofly.

“You bet your arse,” the woman grinned, “she’ll be big soon enough. Don’t know much about ‘em?”

“Oh no,” Simon leaned down to take a better look at the little beast, “I’ve been doing my reading.”

“You got a big enough enclosure for her?” the woman quizzed him.

“Sure do,” Simon hummed, “I built her an enclosure myself. It’s nearly as tall as me, long too. Got some nice branches for her to climb and all that..”

“Wow that’s a lot of space. You sure that’s not too much?” the woman frowned.

“She won’t be in there for a bit, I’ve got something for while she’s small,” Simon reasoned.

What a stupid question.

“Oh well that’s fine,” the woman broke out into another smile, “but yeah she’s eating mostly baby mice, an adult once in a while. You know she’ll be eating bigger things when she’s full grown, right? You can handle that?”

“I think I’ll be quite alright,” Simon mused, “have to admit, she’s a right beauty.”

“She really is, isn’t she?” the woman gushed, “I’ve been raising her since she was just hatched. But now? Well, normally I sell them off a bit sooner, but she grew on me. Unfortunately, the husband isn’t too fond of her and wants her to be moved on.”

“Why’s that?” Simon looked at the woman from behind his sunglasses.

“Oh he got bit when she was the length of a pencil,” the woman laughed, “he’s held it against her ever since!”

“Heard her kind can get pretty feisty,” Simon commented as he looked back at the spider.

“They can get a bit aggressive, I won't lie to you. A bit territorial, too,” the woman explained carefully so as not to scare off the only interested customer she had all weekend.

“Real fast,” Simon continued on, “with nasty bites.”

“Sounds like you’ve done your reading,” the woman laughed uncomfortably.

“Course,” Simon refrained from rolling his eyes, “so how much is she? The sticker’s ripped.”

“She’s on sale, actually,” the woman grinned, “only a couple hundred quid.”

“That much, eh?” Simon straightened up to tower over the slender woman.

“Normally she could be anywhere up to four hundred,” the woman fought back against the subtle threat of intimidation.

“Well then,” Simon looked down at the cube, “looks like I got a good deal then.”

“You won’t go stompin’ on her, will you?” the woman furrowed her brows.

“No ma’am, that was just what I had to do when I went out to the Middle East,” Simon chuckled humorlessly, “I wouldn’t dream of hurtin’ this here little lady.”

The woman grinned as she counted her bills, Simon smiled just slightly as he picked up the container and brought it back to his car.

When he got home, he carefully moved the little creature into the glass enclosure of dirt, leaf litter and cork bark. He put it back in its place on his shelf and smiled.

“Dendrophila, eh?” he chuckled, “how ‘bout Ophelia? That’s a cute lil name for ya.”

The creature only burrowed away under the cork bark, eager to get out of sight of the frightening giant before her. He didn’t blame the little thing, he’d be terrified of himself if he was a younger man.

Once, he’d hardened himself into an unstoppable thing, a monster of a man. He had formed his shell through cruel lashings the world had lavished upon him. He took ablutions in raining blood. He was festering sickness or silver sin. He was what he despised in the world, the monster he tried to protect his own family from. When his brothers in arms welcomed each other warmly, they regarded him as a feral dog to be kept at a distance, chained in the backyard, out in the rain.

In Simon’s heart there was no room for love. He was not a man forged in kindness and love. He was the unfortunate son of Mr. Riley, cursed from birth to be raised in the muck and mire of human atrocities. He had been calloused by the time he was nine, and by the time he joined the military even the recruiting officers were afraid of him. He was too cruel, too strict, too much for anyone to handle. He could brute-force his way through life, but only for so long.

Even monsters had hearts. This was the unfortunate fact that Simon had learned far too late in life. He hated himself for how he wallowed in his loneliness. He thought his team would be enough, but there was a despicable part that still resided deep within him. He could offer his rotten sort of love to his teammates, but he could never care for them like he needed to. There was a part of him that had been stunted since childhood, and far too late it breached his skin to scream into his ears, begging him to please just notice me, notice me and don't let me die here inside of you.

He didn’t want to, but he spoke to a therapist. It was Price's advice after he'd broken down with a bottle of whisky in one hand and a revolver in the other. Price promised to never say a word as he unwound his lieutenant's fingers from the trigger.

A week later he'd arrived at a small office. They’d been cowed by him at first. Everyone was, but something about frightening the one person he wanted to be helped by hurt a part of Simon he wished to rip from his chest. Once he would have laughed, but in that office, he could only hurt. No tears fell, but his walls did and he was able to speak openly for the first time in his entire life without the help of a bottle of jack and a pair of dice. It felt wrong. He hated it, but he learned.

His therapist told him that to help rid himself of this festering parasite of an emotion, he should try to nurture the damned thing. Simon had laughed in the man’s face. He then told him to go to Hell. The man had learned not to flinch in the face of a predator, and so pushed forth. He said that to grow, Simon could try getting a cat or a dog. Something he could raise with the love he never had been given as a boy.

He said that he needed something to love or else he'd never be able to heal. Simon scoffed and left the room, but not before booking another appointment. The smug look on his therapist’s face disgusted him. He turned quickly and left.

So maybe it was out of spite that he bought Ophelia, but there was a part of him that felt like he needed the little creature. He needed something to love, and so he did. He loved the Ophelia with all his heart. He nurtured her and cared for her as best he could.

Months passed, and he started to handle Ophelia. She hissed, she scurried away, she did everything to get away from Simon’s touch. He figured that if he had to face himself, he’d do much the same. He wasn’t a creature born of love and compassion. He was death, in face and in heart, but each time he brought Ohpelia’s container out and changed her water, when she ate from his tongs, he could feel his rotten heart beating within his chest. It made him smile despite himself.

He was not a creature of love, and yet it was love he felt when Ophelia tentatively reached out and slithered up his hand. When he raised her up, ever so gently, he couldn’t help but cry.

How cruel was the world that a boy, born from street gutters and raised by heavy hands, would only ever feel love for the first time in a dingy London flat on his thirty-first birthday, alone save for the venomous snake in his hands?

Stories

Ghost Dump

[sophie-savvy]

I am interested in hearing your take on heartstopper’s aroace rep!

Aw thanks for the ask! <3

I wanna clarify before I say anything too negative that I really don’t hate heartstopper as a show, I like how it deals with mental health conversations and gives a wide range of representation, and I’m not trying to judge anyone that does find joy in it or see themselves in Isaac’s character.

But for me, the rep in season two and three felt a bit immature? Not exactly the right word, but I still can’t find the one I’m looking for. I just finished season three today, and couldn’t help but notice that in so many of the scenes involving Isaac’s aromanticism and asexuality, he seemed to use it as almost an accusation against his friends. Specifically with the scene when they’re at the aquarium and someone goes “what if the fish were gay haha” and he says something like “well what if the fish didn’t like anyone and didn’t want to hear about their friends’ magical romantic relationships anymore?”. To me this just feels really rude and self-centered, even understanding the point he’s trying to make (Elle and Tao being too dependent on each other).

The way this scene is written (and the way everyone apologizes to him immediately afterwards), he doesn’t come across as a concerned friend or someone trying to communicate his feelings, it just feels like he’s taking his loneliness and insecurities out on his friends rather than having a conversation about how he’s feeling. I think this definitely could’ve happened at the movie night, but instead Isaac just left without saying anything.

These insecurities are valid, especially when you’re young and trying to figure yourself out. I’ve been in the same position as Isaac and felt the same kind of things! And I think younger me would be really validated by Isaac’s character. But if you’re not able to move past that and communicate with your friends about how you’re feeling and how they’re making you feel, then you can’t blame that on them. People in romantic relationships will sometimes spend more time with their partners than their friends, and this isn’t inherently bad. It’s only unhealthy when it gets to the point of dependency, which is when you step in (respectfully! privately!) and have a conversation with them.

A lot of people are talking about how they felt validated by his friends apologizing to him after this scene, but I just can’t see why they were supposed to apologize for something that 1) isn’t their fault and 2) Isaac never communicated.

Sorry if this sounds really aggressive or anything, genuinely don’t mean to be! Totally understand everyone has a different perspective, but there’s my 2 cents as an aroace person :)

[taempteng]

So, I finally finished 2ha.

I... have some thoughts.

Let's talk!

【 Story Review 】 The Husky & His White Cat Shizun

I started this story on the 30th of May through the manhua. When I caught up to the latest release, I switched to the novel. I binged the novel day and night, until finally ending the story on the 12th of June.

I want to clarify that I’ve only finished the main 311 chapters. I haven’t read the extra 39 chapters.

This review will only discuss my thoughts on the main story. I'll decide whether to talk about the extra chapters when I finish those in the future.

With that said, what is 2ha?

2ha is short for Dumb Husky and his White Cat Shizun. It came from the Mandarin title 《二哈和他的白猫师尊》 where 二哈 literally translates to “2 ha(s)”. It’s written by 肉包不吃肉 or “Meatbun Doesn’t Eat Meat”.

What’s the story about?

Well, it follows a man named Mo Ran. He’s a regressor and in his first life, he was the 踏仙君 or Celestial-Trampling Emperor. He was at the peak of the Cultivation World, a tyrant who ascended to godhood. However, at the age of 32, he poisoned himself and died.

But then, he wakes up! And he’s back to 16 years ago, before his life went to shit! The guy he likes is still alive, so are his sect members-

Oh, and his Shizun isn’t dead anymore, he supposed.

Either way, he swore to turn his fate around, ensure his crush doesn’t die in this life, and get back at everyone who had wronged him in his first life! Especially that darn Shizun who he hates the most!

Now that you know what the story is about, what is the story like?

2ha has your blueprint regression story beginning. Mo Ran dies bitterly in his first life, regresses, and swears to annihilate all his adversaries while aiming for a better future. That better future being ensuring his crush stays alive.

You must think that, because of the premise, Mo Ran will use the knowledge of his past life to team up with characters that can help with his goal, have intense scheming face-offs against his adversaries, and eventually find a way to overcome his crush’s death. Right?

Well, you would be wrong!

You see, the events in the second timeline unfurled much differently than the first. And when I said “differently”, I don’t mean “the main character did this, so the other characters did that”. No, I meant “the main character didn’t get to move an inch before something completely sidetracks”.

Usually in regression stories, the main character will narrate what happened in the first timeline and tell the audience how they will counter the events in this new life. In 2ha however, despite being told by Mo Ran about the events of the first timeline, what ended up happening in the current life was straight up different. So, Mo Ran was unprepared and had to deal with the situation differently.

It’s definitely a refresher to see Mo Ran being flustered by the change of events, especially when he’s not written to be a masterclass schemer. He’s not shounen-MC-dumb, but he’s clearly not Sherlock-Holmes-genius. It’s a good balance between being thrown off guard by the unfamiliar situation while also trying to adapt to the new scenario.

So if you had been put off by the idea of a stereotypical regression story, you can rest assured that 2ha subverts this trope. It’s packed with interesting twists and dramatic turns, while displaying compelling characters and rewarding developments. It’s a story that keeps you on the edge of your seat and always wanting to turn to the next chapter!

Since finishing the story, what did I think of the ending?

Obviously, as the finale, the final arc had to be the most dramatic. Many things happened that honestly had me restless and fearful. With how the plot was progressing, I thought the ending would be a downer.

By the final chapter, all I felt was peace and calm. Not the kind of “and they lived happily ever after”, but more of a “and everyone moved on with their lives”. It’s the kind of feeling when a disaster happened, but you got away with your life, so despite the depression, you still found a way to pick yourself up again and overcome the difficulty.

The final arc was one heck of a rollercoaster ride, but the ending was sweet enough that it makes you glad that everyone could live as happily as possible. In a way, it’s bittersweet, in that the bitter memories will now only bring a sweet fondness of bygone past and a hopeful future.

So for readers who don’t like sad/bad endings or open/ambiguous endings, you don’t have to worry as everyone in the story (or at least the important characters) gets some form of closure.

Overall, what are my thoughts on 2ha?

I personally think the story is amazing. It’s a long story, and there’s a lot of drama and angst. However, reaching the end after all the turmoil and agony, I think it’s worth the arduous read and late night binging.

For me, even if some characters are unbearable at the beginning or some times, they’re still ultimately interesting and endearing. Even with the characters I despise, I can understand why they act the way they do. I don’t like them and I certainly don’t suddenly like them just because they’re sympathetic, but the characters are distinct, convincing and not one-dimensional.

The plot progression is exciting but not spontaneous. Every event happened for a reason, and you won’t feel as if something occurred for the shock value. As the story progresses, the puzzle pieces will piece themselves, leaving you wide-eyed with realisation.

The story isn’t fast-paced, but it isn’t draggy either. It dwells on emotional scenes to bring out the rawest feelings, making you explore the minds of the characters. It also concludes each chapter with a hook, resolving one scene while making you curious for the next.

It is a story that captivates your attention while squeezing your heart where it hurts. Definitely a must-read if you’re an angst or drama lover! The ending is worth all the pain and anguish.

What is the moral of the story?

Some common themes I noticed in 2ha include loneliness, anger and resentment, and karma and revenge. There may be other themes, but these are the most prominent ones.

I’ll explore these themes more thoroughly in the future. For now, I want to talk about what we can take away from this story.

I think this line by Xue Meng in the final chapter perfectly encapsulates the overarching message of 2ha.

I’d love to discuss how this line summarises the lesson in the story, but that’ll require me to spoil a lot of important plot points. So instead, I’ll leave this conversation for another day. Now, we’ll move on to the final part of this review!

Any last words for anyone who wants to pick up 2ha?

A fair warning before you begin: You will hate Mo Ran at the start. His attitude towards Chu Wanning, his master and endgame, was very frustrating. Although there were sweet moments, the way he went straight for Shi Mei when he comes into view will probably make you tear your hair out.

Of course, it gets better as the story progresses, but if you don’t like seeing one side of the couple mistreating and misunderstanding the other side, then this story is not for you.

Not to mention, there are triggering themes discussed such as SA and cannibalism. If these topics make you uncomfortable, proceed with caution or reconsider starting the story.

2ha also touched upon subjects like misogyny, dehumanisation, hate campaigns — just a lot of heavy topics that may be distressing if you’re trying to read for fun and not to be reminded of reality.

With all that said, if you can handle a good dose of heartache, I highly recommend this story! It’s amazingly written (in my opinion) with lovable characters and an intriguing plot. I give 2ha 5 stars!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be reading those extra chapters!

[ladamedusoif]

It might be the cold meds talking, but I feel like I need to have a ramble about writing - partly because I’ve seen a few “you write for YOU and whatever you WANT” posts over the last few days, some of which have been spot on and some not so much.

To clarify: this post isn’t about me. Or at least, it’s MOSTLY not about me. It’s just some observations about fic.

This is a lovely and important message. Ultimately, we do all write for ourselves. Of course we do.

But saying “write for you and only for you!” is easier when you’re someone who routinely gets hundreds of notes on a fic within the first couple of hours. Or when you’ve got a massive audience already. Or when you write something that seems to get more attention than anything else in terms of popular characters and tropes (ahem Joel age gap smut ahem).

Trends come and go in literature of all kinds, whether properly published works or fics. That’s par for the course.

But the problem is when it feels like only a certain kind of story gets any attention. When stories with real heart and love and care and feeling seem to be routinely ignored because they don’t fit the bill: they’re slow burns, they don’t involve popular tropes, but they’re proper stories that could exist without any connection to the fandom they’ve been written for.

And, worse, when the people writing those stories start to feel deeply disheartened and as if it’s just not worth it.

We talk a lot about anon hate (spoiler: don’t do it) and nine times out of ten that seems to be based on the idea of people writing potentially triggering or taboo topics saying they’ve received “hate”. (Sometimes this is actual hate and sometimes it’s genuine, considerate questioning around warnings etc.)

Thing is: the people writing the ‘unpopular’ stories get hate - genuine, real, nasty hate - too. This post isn’t really about me, but as an example: I’ve not turned on anon asks in months, because of the last shitfest. And I’m not alone, because I know what people have had sent into their inbox in response to the most inoffensive, sweet stories. It baffles me.

All this is to say - I wish people would be a little bit more open in what they want to read, and would recognise that “anon hate” isn’t just about puritanical prudes trying to “tell people what to write” as seems to be the general assumption. People keep trying to put a bit more diversity out there in the fic buffet, to write loving and carefully crafted stories, and for all the “write it for you” posts it still feels like it doesn’t matter. Like no one wants it. And that’s when writers start to think they’re awful, their ideas are bad, their style is weak.

Worse? They get shitty, mean-spirited asks and comments. (Even if it’s not “hate”. I’m still baffled by the people who say they couldn’t finish a one-shot of mine because there wasn’t a significant age gap between the Reader and the male character… but I don’t think that’s strictly hate, as such. Dispiriting, though.)

And what happens then? They stop writing. The stories cease. And the fic buffet becomes more and more one-note, more and more dictated by prevailing winds and a particular kind of purple prose style. And the readers - who might have found those stories if more people had engaged with them and reposted and shared them - wonder why no one seems to write for them.

A while back I wrote a tag that was something like “there’s room for everything”. Unfortunately, that “everything” remains a little limited, at least in terms of what actually seems to get picked up and gain traction. And “there’s room for everything” doesn’t mean that all writers are above reproach, either.

Try something new, people. Give a soft story a go. Who knows, you might like it.

[locution-youngster-enjoyer]

Hey guys another one of these things (I’m insane I’m crazy)

Further explanation under the cut:

(Tw: suggestive)

Neither of them are exactly out to the public. Beau actively goes out of his way to hide any sort of relationship he may have ever had with any men. Seymour’s situation is funnier because he’s not hiding it like Beau is, he just never brings it up. Like he’ll be telling a story and the conversation would basically go:

“Bla bla- and this guy I hooked up with this one time-“

“Wait you’re gay??”

“Huh? Not really, anyway-“

He then never elaborates.

Seymour is the horniest mf imaginable (not really, but he’s got a high libido). Beau is not against it, but he’s nowhere near Seymour’s freakiness (I hate how I said that)

Seymour is way more touchy then Beau is. In public, they’ll hold hands at most usually, but it depends.

They’ve both got issues that they haven’t professionally worked out- I’ve explained in my AU that the state of their relationship is messy. They go from friends to lovers to enemies back to lovers. Once they settled back down together, they both considering getting therapy.

Before they get back together, it’s important to know they never got over initially breaking up. While they both have had their moments of trying to move on, the whole time they felt horrible because deep down they were still in love with each other.

They are doomed by MY narrative. Objectively, I think I put Seymour through more shit-

I should clarify: they don’t really spoon. They cling to each other

So the creator of this chart explained that the weapon vs wielder thing is basically who’s the protector and who’s the protected. While they’ve gotten better at balancing out who is who, Seymour is way more defensive in general, while Beau isn’t.

Beau sleeps in robes in the warmer months and silky long sleeved pajamas in the winter. Seymour for a while didn’t bother with pajamas of any kind and usually just sleeps in his underwear or with his clothes still on (Beau bought him new clothes to sleep in)

Seymour acts more jealous of Beau going off to do things without him, but it’s mostly just the separation anxiety from how long they’ve been apart from each other.

They’ve both got some nice rizz (I hate how I said this as well)

They’re both in weird places in society and are used to talking to different kinds of people, but Beau is generally more awkward when it comes to small talk.

What keeps them together?:

In terms of canon things that keep them together, there’s nothing but implications because they’ve got one interaction but it is full of such drama. Also I’ve written an entire backstory for them because I’m crazy about these two.

What is keeping them/kept them apart?:

I’ve explained their whole backstory in another post but I’ll explain their breakup part again here.

Basically, Seymour grew up much poorer, while Beau’s family were filthy rich. They had kept their initial relationship a secret from most people, but since they wanted to get married, Seymour thought it was best if they told their families, which Beau was hesitant about. When they told Beau’s parents, they basically insulted Seymour for being poor. This pissed Seymour off, not because of what the parents said, but because Beau refused to speak up against them and defend them, which made Seymour call the wedding off on the spot.

Afterwards, Seymour ran away from home, and since no one knew where he went, Beau was completely crushed and assumed he had died. After several years, they both picked up acting jobs, and while they never really interacted, they were both made painfully aware of each others existences as they both grew in popularity. While Beau never said anything, he was kinda upset to hear that Seymour resorted to crime.

So in short: the fact they could never really talk to each other normally and settle their problems is what kept them apart for so long.

Poorly describe their meetcute (how they met):

Consenting to be waterboarded

No. I’m not clarifying.

List their reductive fandom tropes/fandom appeal

Uhhh- enemies to lovers i guess is what they are

Touch stuff (Seymour)

Like I mentioned, Seymour is way more touchy, whoever there are some exceptions.

I didn’t mention this in my long backstory post, but Seymour has several scars on his head from getting his hair yanked to much when he was a kid. That, plus him being afraid of other people ruining his hair, makes him very hesitant to let anyone touch his head.

While he doesn’t dislike having his legs touched, it more depends the context. He fidgets and stims primarily with his legs.

He’s also very defensive and grew up with a rough background and in a rough neighborhood, so in certain contexts he may view it as getting attacked (particularly in the green areas)

Touch stuff (Beau)

Beau is not as touchy as Seymour and has more boundaries.

Beau in my AU is a germaphobe. He typically wears gloves, so holding his hand is fine, but he gets a lot more reluctant to touch anything he’s not sure is clean when his gloves are off. This also applies to his face. While he doesn’t mind someone holding his cheek, or their hand in his hair, he want nothing near his mouth.

With Seymour, he loves having his waist held. Plus, he’s a dancer and used to do a lot of ballet, so he’s really used to it.

That’s it, always love getting to rant about the gay show hosts.

[psihawaii]

i know nothing about mashup week but i do wanna hear ur thoughts on trans scott

first of all: thank you for indulging me!!

second of all: obligatory LISTEN/READ MASHUP WEEK: MEGAMIX!! ill probably make a separate propaganda post anyway but plsss. mashup tournament that scott won three years ago that he now has to host and interview every1 and i like how he’s written better than most collabs (where hes not just. himself obviously.) write him. host says the tournament is a lot more like wii sports resort now and doesnt elaborate.

third of all: ooooooooookay so. This really got away from me im gonna put the rest under a readmore.

i’m gonna refer to them w/ they/them just for simplicity, but let the record show i don’t think they care that much either way/i switch up pronouns whenever i talk abt stw AHDHDJ (my main hc for a while was no pronouns scott just bc of how the descriptions are written hahahahahaha get itttttttttt)

i’ve Alwaysssss thought scott (the character obvi. do i have to keep clarifying that here too, im always gonna be referring to the character in this postSHDJDJ) was trans ever. since i joined the fandom in late 2021. Partly because borderline forever reminds me a lot of how i realized i was nonbinary (realizing somethings wrong and then course correcting by just… doing the opposite and wondering why that couldnt possibly be the solution.) but mostly because borderline forever is just Like That. . But more on that later

OUTSIDE OF THAT so much of how they act is sosososo deeply trans to me, or at the very least very egg-like and in denial deeply. THE THING that got me deep into stw initially was gifts of gaming because what the fuck man. scott’s very public breakdown because they feel extremely alienated from their peers and that this isn’t an isolated incident!!!!!! (finding other people unrelatable that is (and that’s probably also an autism and/or aroace thing but it can be all of those at once. Smile.) like so often is scott self deprecating abt how nobody cares abt them or their interests or how desperate they are for attention. dude.)

and like. okay so i made an entire nonbinary dysphoria comp already but there are so many. weird throwaway jokes. that aren’t… you know directly about them being trans/dysphoric but about how they hate facial hair or their voice or hated that they couldn’t have ‘girl toys’ growing up or that they shower fully clothed or that they’ll just. roleplay as a girl.

(and i was gonna have a whole bit about… i think you could make some kind of point about how scott ‘roleplays’ as a girl in specifically romantic/flirting contexts (tinder + speed dating) and how that could play jnto their dysphoria, but i also do just think they’re aroace. but there’s something there)

and no matter the intention of the jokes they’re still like. canon. (and i was gonna do a whole thing abt how scott the woz (the show) treats continuity basically being that. jokes + ‘throwaway lines’ establish canon things because they keep being brought back, and that lore is (with few exceptions) consistent. it’s fun. and meaning that these things are (assumedly) things scott thinks/does/how they act even off screen.)

and also i guess if im gonna talk abt trans scott i could At Least dedicate an entire paragraph to borderline forever because holy shit man. Before i rewatched a bunch of episodes this year, i of course had it in my head that borderline forever was totally trans coded but i sorta reasoned that that was my own headcanon clouding my perception and that it wouldnt be that blatant (<in quotes because im sure The Man Himself didnt intend for it to be read this way, but its fun to interpret it as such) but no it really is.

what do u mean theres been an unseen force in your life that’s always been there but you hadn’t noticed until you experienced internalized transphobia talked about something tangentially related, that’s now preventing you from living your life and doing the things you want to do. That isn’t directly harming you, and that other people can’t notice so they dismiss you. What do u mean.

Closing in is literally a song about how they can’t believe they’ve been living their life like this and how they feel like they’re suffocating from the idea of continuing to live like this. They saw the border glow. If you will (sorry.)

The ending of borderline forever is pretty… its… well i guess for me to really have definitive thoughts on it i would have to decide on what i think the allegory is because scott taking the border back serves different purposes for different ones, good and bad. In terms of the trans allegory, I initially considered that it was like him. Accepting transness as part of themselves and learning to live with it and move on from that (effectively transitioning just not. Outwardly (?)). Until my boyfriend (forced to watch every scott the woz lore episode for (for the most part) the first time with me) pointed out n. No it kinda just seems like they can’t imagine themselves as any different/better and thinks This Is As Good As It Gets so they retreat back to their status quo. And like. Huh. Yeah. 100% it’s still affecting them negatively and they hate it but they’re ignoring it now they saved the world and they never have to succumb to the horror of being understood and perceived i mean no one else has to worry abt this ever again.

like… two years ago i wrote a fic about nonbinary scott called Abiura Di Me (it’s never getting finished, i was originally gonna do a little comic to end things off but it felt kind of ehh. the only way i’m finishing it is if i completely start over. which who knows.) and, despite not rlly having this interpretation at the time, i did want to kind of explore scott like that, thinking they’re ‘content’ with their life now and wondering why they still feel unhappy/unfulfilled.

In general scott feels like a character that’s so… rigid and strict with their identity/attributes of themselves in a way that, often, makes them miserable, or at the very least in a way that they’re self deprecating abt like i said b4. (i.e. their virginity, and how it oscillates something they take pride in vs. something that they’re ashamed of (b4 accepting it in barrel blast)(youtuber slash tumblr user prim m, in description of their barrel blast mashup did a rlly interesting lil. few sentences of analysis abt this in particular!!), but is, to them at least, a key part of who they are that they have to keep asserting + how they talk abt themselves liking video games and how, similarly it oscillates between smthn that brings them a lot of joy and again, smthn that they’re ashamed of thats another reason they feel isolated, but is nonetheless. Probably THE defining thing about scott.)

And while this^ feels like a general internalized transphobia thing, it’s probably THE reason i think they’re nonbinary specifically, although i fuck with transfem scott severely. I really like the idea of scott unburdening themselves from any kind of labels and kinda just being happy Existing, it’s essentially what they already want/think they already have just with less expectation put upon them to perform. You could say. Preventing themselves from being put into a box or. Or yknow… some kind of blue borde-[i am killed.]

But anyway to answer your question trans scott is my lifeblood i love them a lot. I like… half joke their egg has been fully cracked now bc of the bits they’re pulling now (mainly. Changing their name in same name, different game and. all of gamer products.) (and side note even though i can glean Transness from any1 of these jokes and that… in a lot of cases scott Is the butt of the joke in them they don’t rlly feel meanspirited most of the time. whether thats bc im in denial ro theres smthn to it thats any1s guess. Tee hee.) i think they’re figuring stuff out and how they want to be perceived and if this is really something they want for themselves (is, but going abt it weirdly/making a joke of it and not taking it seriously (again, goes w the whole self deprecating rigid identity thing!!)

I don’t think scott changes much upon transitioning. Even though i think in the stw universe hrt/gender affirming surgery does… pretty much whatever you want it to and none of what you don’t want (i’m going off the… one ama where he said smthn along the lines of the stw universe is a perfect bubble where nothing bad happens + being able to get treated for murder + how i think scott the real person would think that kinda stuff works AHDNDIJDDJ and also cus i think its funny) i dont think scott would Want to change much physically. But i really like the idea of them keeping dyed blue bits framing their face (get it.) + slightly longer hair. and boobs cause i think thats awesome. personality wise they’re exactly the same and still suck though. But w/o shame and i love them

[waitmyturtles]

Turtles Catches Up With Old GMMTV: Love Sick/Love Sick 2 Edition

[What’s going on here? After joining Tumblr and discovering Thai BLs through KinnPorsche in 2022, I began watching GMMTV’s new offerings -- and realized that I had a lot of history to catch up on, to appreciate the more recent works that I was delving into. From tropes to BL frameworks, what we’re watching now hails from somewhere, and I’m learning about Thai BL's history through what I’m calling the Old GMMTV Challenge (OGMMTVC). Starting with recommendations from @absolutebl on their post regarding how GMMTV is correcting for its mistakes with its shows today, I’ve made an expansive list to get me through a condensed history of essential/classic/significant Thai BLs produced by GMMTV and many other BL studios. My watchlist, pasted below, lists what I’ve watched and what’s upcoming, along with the reviews I’ve written so far. I’ve covered SOTUS so far, but now I’m correcting for chronology, and present to you today my review of Love Sick.]

Well. I climbed the mountain and saw the view from the top. After 48 episodes -- BL edit cuts, mind you, but still, 48 episodes -- I finished Love Sick and Love Sick 2. 

Before I dive into the review, I want to meditate on something that kept cropping up for me as I was watching the show. I always say this in my writing, but I’m an #old cishet gal, in my early middle-aged years, and when I was in high school in the States, casual homophobia likely looked different than it does now, or maybe even at the time of Love Sick’s airing in 2014 and 2015. 

I’m not sure if young people in high schools do this now... or maybe they do. Maybe I’m clueless and just not watching enough Western and/or cishet content to know. But when I was a teenager in the ‘90s, “gay” was the adjective for everything. "This bagel is gay.” Your handbag was “gay.” Your handwriting was “gay.” The way in which you stapled your papers together could be called “gay” -- I literally heard that in high school, and I still remember it as being one of the dumbest things I had ever heard. And, of course, most doomingly for certain individuals -- many were labeled as “gay,” too. 

As I rejected much of the biases and racism that my Indian family operated by when I was growing up -- so I also rejected the nonsensical usage of the word “gay” as an adjective for anything else but someone’s sexuality.

I was a seriously protected, hugely nerdy Indian kid growing up. But I kind of inherently knew that this unconscious/conscious/implicit/explicit/simmering hate for a group of people vis à vis this adjective wasn’t for me. At that time of my youth, I didn’t actually know queer communities. I just didn’t want to be associated with biased people who insisted on seeming like utter idiots via their language against a minority group. 

(I’m aware now that “gay” as an adjective is likely being appropriated back by young queer communities, just like the word “queer” itself. I want to clarify that “gay” was NOT being used in a "nice” sense when I was a kid.)

I’m meditating on this because, of course, I watched Love Sick well out of order of my introduction to Thai BLs. I started with KinnPorsche, with The Eclipse, with Bad Buddy, and then began to correct that by watching SOTUS -- all shows that have dealt with homophobia in various ways...or seemingly not at all, in the case of BBS, and to just a touch of an extent in KP between Big and Porsche. 

So. I watched Love Sick to learn about Thai BL history. But my mindset is out of order, right? It’s because I’ve already watched many influential shows that carry the influence of Love Sick within them. (As I did in my SOTUS review, I’ll cite @miscellar‘s tremendous analysis of how Bad Buddy was based on Aof Noppharnach’s meta commentary on existing BL frameworks, and I’ll do a lot of comparisons to BBS in this piece, as I’m aware that P’Aof was influenced himself by Love Sick.)

In rewinding my perspective and my mind to set myself up to watch Love Sick: I wanted to be very aware of how this show would deal with casual homophobia among teenagers, and the ever-present question of how it would deal with the question of if the main coupling of Phun and Noh would fall into the “gay for you” category that I discussed in my SOTUS review, and that @absolutebl discusses in this post. 

If @absolutebl flagged Love Sick as likely problematic of mistakes that are being corrected for now -- of course, they’re right. The casual homophobia was rampant. The “gay” question was easily squelched, loudly and early by Noh, who clarified throughout the show that he was not, and never would, be gay. And Phun clarifies that as well, later in season 2. Our boys “called it love.”

Bad Buddy dealt with this differently, very obviously. There was no homophobia. Pat likes all genders. Pran will consider liking girls at some point, to Ink’s joy and advice that it’d be “gainful” for Pran to do so. 

But. (And I think P’Aof recognized this.) In history, we have to start somewhere. I had to get comfortable in my jibblies to watch this, and be reminded from whence I came, an environment of casual homophobia that very directly led to my deciding to live my life in part as an ally.

It’s unfortunate that I don’t get to read commentary on the regular about these shows from a Thai queer male perspective. (It’s why reviews from the very dear @bengiyo are so important for me to read, from his queer male perspective.) (And I think I need to watch more Soonvijarn.) I want to know, from a Thai queer male perspective, if it was OKAY for Love Sick to depict the casual homophobia that we saw, and if the perspective accepts Noh and Phun’s trajectory as a couple, calling their relationship not gay, but love. And certainly -- maybe that perspective has changed over the course of the airing of BL in Thailand, as expectations and artistic strategies have changed with the progress of time.

Throughout my liveblogging of my watching the show (and I want to take a second here to give a HUGE SHOUT-OUT to the DARLING MUTUALS who commented on my seriously late-night posts: @clairificusrex, @lurkingshan, @nieves-de-sugui, @aliceisathome, and many more, I LOVE YOU ALL, YOU AMAZING STANS!), I expressed a lot of love for Phun and Noh, and for other characters, too, like Yu, Per, and Win. (Yu and Per have a special place in my heart as allies-in-the-making, and Per trying everything to make Win, his BFF, happy -- and recognizing his limits while doing so.)

But now that I’m done with the show...I feel like a line of intimacy wasn’t crossed. Maybe I shouldn’t blame the show for this. The show WASN’T a BL. The show wasn’t SOLELY focused on Phun and Noh. Maybe the line of intimacy that I’m thinking of COULDN’T be achieved in a high school setting in 2014 Thailand.

I really wondered about the length of the show as I was watching it. For the MAJORITY of the second season, I thought the length HELPED the boys grow into their relationship. We really saw shades of gray. We saw shades of emotion, of development, especially from Noh to Phun. We saw Noh grow TREMENDOUSLY, maturely, figuring out his boundaries with lovely Yu. We saw Noh figure out his boundaries with Phun. I thought all of that development was truly lovely, very important to see between two young men, and gorgeous to watch. Captain acted the hell out of it.

At the same time, I think the length of the second second ultimately hurt the endgoal of the revelation of their relationship to their communities and family. To the end of the show, we were hearing that the boys were not gay. I think this was designed as a necessary part of their coming out in their relationship -- because I’m not sure that the airing of Love Sick 2 could have been considered successful at that time if it did NOT include that element, the element of MAKING SURE that the audience was TOLD that the boys were not gay. 

And I think -- because I watched things out of order, I’ve watched brilliant shows already correct for these mistakes -- that deflated me just a touch as I wrapped up the series.

As well, up until the VERY end, we saw that the boys were still in a place to consider heterosexual relationships, as in the case of Phun and his friend, Pam, who Noh confused for being a potential interloper. With Phun *not* communicating and clarifying to Noh immediately that Pam had a boyfriend, it set up a moment of real confusion for Noh, as if their already-committed relationship (which they had committed to multiple times already!) was on the rocks, for an interloper of another gender.

While I was watching it, I was confused -- I was wondering why the show needed THIS to close out Phun and Noh’s storyline. 

I wonder if it’s because, in 2014, the show could not have ended WITHOUT that question. The boys would be in a relationship now... but in the future, would things “straighten” out? (Of course, years later, we had ReminderS, which I haven’t peeped, but did establish that the guys were still together, as BL continued to be filmed and as attitudes slowly have changed.)

I think that if Love Sick 2 had ended after the pharmacy camp -- I would have felt settled and happy about this show. Phun and Noh ARE darlings, after all. Captain as Noh, his AMAZING ability to demonstrate a teenage kid’s overwhelmed reaction to the world around him so comedically -- it was really perfect. Both White and Captain are fantastic actors (especially as compared to Krist in SOTUS). 

But there was something about the ending that gave me the jibbles. As if the show couldn’t just leave the guys alone in their happiness. There HAD to be one more dramatic storyline that wasn’t clear. There HAD to be the clarification that the boys were not gay -- not to their schoolmates, not to Phun’s dad, not to the audience. No way were they gay. Again, I think this was where the length of the second season ultimately hurt this series.

And Ohm’s internalized homophobia as well. The way in which he rejected James, left James in the dust. The way in which things were left not quite clarified between him and Mick, although their relationship was alluded to at the end. (I might have missed some clarifications in the BL edits, but I ain’t going back to the full-length episodes to find out.)

And Earn and Pete. Good LORD, Earn. An “I fucking love you” next to the urinals? Dude. PETE COULD DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN YOU, EARN. (I frankly wanted to see Pete with Yu. Earn was the Thai version of The Situation from Jersey Shore, getting all up in Noh and Phun’s business and trying to break them up. Fucking Earn. SMDH.)

I have complaints. And I can’t help but think... yes, THIS is what Bad Buddy corrected for. THIS is what The Eclipse corrected for. With Kinn being out and out gay, THIS is what KinnPorsche corrected for. 

Phun and Noh found their love, which I am desperately happy for. Captain acted the HELL out of Noh -- I could not help but laugh out loud, night after night, at how Noh wiggled his way in and out of situations. He is, in Asian parental parlance, a good boy.

But, as dear @absolutebl meditated on, there were mistakes in this show that, thank goodness, are being corrected by the filmmakers that I have fallen for now. I see what Bad Buddy was doing. Instead of “I’M NOT GAY” -- P’Aof had Pran be gay, and Pat be bi, and Pran consider girls to Ink. That flow of that conversation among Pat/Pran/Ink/Pa -- that was sophisticated stuff. P’Golf had Akk say to his parents, not that he was in love with Ayan -- but that he likes men. 

I have previously loved these nuances in Bad Buddy and The Eclipse. Love Sick now makes me WANT THEM, HUNGRILY, as admissions of truth and acceptance. 

Do I need characters to be out and out, like Kinn? NO. That’s a person’s business, that’s a character’s business, if they want to define or call themselves gay. I’m not here to tell anyone where to land on the sexuality expression spectrum, that’s not my place. I’m not here to ASK anyone’s preferences. Just live. Pran certainly wasn’t out and out. He loved Pat -- that’s who he loved, he loved Pat, and there was no other nonsense, no other side explanations, no covering up or jibbly clarifying of any other positions. (And Pat’s statement was so simple, too: “I like both genders.” Boom, done, move on, live and LOVE and be happy.)

What was hard for me was the repeated denial of gay throughout Love Sick and Love Sick 2. I just didn’t think the show needed that -- because the love between Phun and Noh could have spoken volumes WITHOUT those statements. But I also get it. I get that the writers of Love Sick likely thought they NEEDED those statements in order to get the dang show aired in the first place, in 2014 Thailand. I get that there wasn’t that paradigm, yet, as leveraged by people like P’Aof, P’Jojo, and P’Golf, that lets love STAND as the STATEMENT ITSELF, à la Bad Buddy and The Eclipse.

I see what Love Sick did to begin setting up a tremendous, TREMENDOUS paradigm of BLs in Thailand. It was simply groundbreaking. And the ads! The advertisers were also making their statements. These boys were drinking and eating the Oishi like there was no tomorrow. That was big for nascent BL and capitalism accepting nascent BL.

But the show wasn’t perfect, not by a long shot. And @absolutebl Sensei -- you nailed it by listing it as one of your three original recommendations for us understanding what GMMTV is doing, NOW, with their progressive and groundbreaking art. I’m glad I watched Love Sick. I’ll get more Phun and Noh when I catch up with ReminderS -- and I’m glad, for me, that Love Sick is over, and that I know that Phun and Noh end up happily together in drama land, hopefully in a place where their cinematic preferences are NOT in control of the fictional communities around them, and the real audiences watching them.

[For those of you who are following, I’m now going to make a purposeful dive into a few shows that cover a number of priorities. I’m going to watch Make It Right, Make It Right 2, and Love By Chance -- all to learn about the works of the very prolific New Siwaj, as recommended to me by @bengiyo. I’ll also be crossing off groundbreaking shows featuring my simpy darlings, Ohm Pawat and Perth Tanapon, who are currently destroying in Double Savage. Finally, with MIR and MIR2, I’ll learning more about the early high school pulps after having watched Love Sick. Here’s the road front and back. I’ll ALWAYS take input if anyone reading thinks that something’s missing on this list! 

AND AS ALWAYS: MANY, MANY THANKS TO THE FAM that always comments on these posts and gives me unbelievable feedback: @bengiyo, @shortpplfedup, @respectthepetty, @lurkingshan, @wen-kexing-apologist, @clairificusrex, @nieves-de-sugui, @manogirl, @miscellar, @dribs-and-drabbles, @solitaryandwandering, and anyone that I may have missed! I so appreciate you all, and I LIVE for the conversations we have about these shows. 1) Love Sick and Love Sick 2 (2014 and 2015) 2) SOTUS (2016) (review here) 3) Make It Right (2016) 4) Make It Right 2 (2017) 5) Love By Chance (2018) 6) Kiss Me Again: PeteKao cuts (2018) 7) He’s Coming To Me (2019) 8) Dark Blue Kiss (2019) 9) TharnType (2019) 10) Theory of Love (2019) 11) Until We Meet Again (2019-2020) 12) 2gether (2020) 13) Still 2gether (2020) 14) ITSAY (2020) 15) I Promised You the Moon (2021) 16) Not Me (2021-2022) 17) My School President (2022-2023)]

[suitsusboth]

20 Questions for Fic Writers!

Tagged by @harnitbee 💜💜💜

1- How many works do you have on AO3?

currently six!

2- What's your total AO3 word count?

314,403 which is wild since i’ve only been doing this about a year and a half? i don’t think i wrote that much in college????

3- What fandoms do you write for?

Bridgerton 🐝 I’ve thought about writing for other fandoms in the past but nothing quite got a grip on me like Anthony and Kate 😌

4- What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. love came back to me (still stunned at the reception of this fic)

2. just go with it (my fun little one shot)

3. where the love light gleams (my baby 🩵)

4. can’t two people reconnect (basically an exercise in writing smut)

5. if only in my dreams (🥹 wholesome epilogue/christmas fic to where the love light gleams)

5- Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

i do for the most part, mostly because i appreciate the time people take to write them as usually they’re very encouraging and i love to answer questions or clarify things if needed. anyone who’s commented on a fic of mine ilysm 🥹💜

6- What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i dont think i’ve got a fic with an angsty ending, i love a good old happily ever after, buuuut i’d say love came back to me was the angstiest fic over all (lmk if you disagree!)

7- What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

mmmm a tough one because i end them all happily, but i think if only in my dreams and just go with it are the happiest over all

8- Do you get hate on fics?

luckily not really just the occasional odd comment that kinda leaves me scratching my head

9- Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

yes, well, trying to 😅  

10- Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

nah

11- Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not that i know of??

12- Have you ever had a fic translated?

not that I am aware of!

13- Have you ever co-written a fic before?

no, but i think it would be fun… i’m just slow at writing so I don’t know if that would pose an issue

14- What's your all-time favourite ship?

Kanthony, forever and always baaaaaby 💜 the power they have over me is insane 😌

15- What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

the elopement au 🤪

16- What are your writing strengths?

ermm i’d say i don’t really have strengths it’s mostly a hot mess but maybe dialogue?? 😅

17- What are your writing weaknesses?

oh man…. my editor/beta reader will tell you spelling and grammar for SURE but probably also staying focused and motivated as well. if i’m tired of writing i think i don’t do the best i can so sections can suffer and then i’m too lazy to go back and fix it

18- Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

physically impossible for me as i have little to no other language skills (if you can you’re incredible!) i added some french to lcbtm but that was all google translate lol

19- First fandom you wrote for?

bridgerton 😉

20- Favorite fic you've written?

i can’t chose they’re all my babies 🥹

love came back to me i’m the proudest of because it’s my first fic i published and the longest and even though i took breaks i kept at it

where the love light gleams just holds a special part of my heart i love that cozy universe

just go with it was definitely the easiest and funnest to write though. i’m proud of the banter in that one tbh.

[pectinpeeress]

Aarghhhh.... kind of a rant below, sorry about that, somethings just been bugging me...

I’ve been kind of annoyed with a lot of the Opinions I’ve seen on Kimblee as a character, especially in terms of his relationship with Riza. Because I feel like people keep trying to justify his character morally in order to justify liking him. And, first of all, a character doesn’t need to be a good person for you to like them; and secondly, it makes the characters way less interesting?!?

Like, If you look at Kimblees narrative purpose as a character, he isn’t supposed to represent a real person. Just like how the Greek gods are more similar to the element they’re meant to represent than an actual person, Kimblee is the idea of narcissism come manifest. I get that writing is subjective, but Arakawa has literally said that she based Kimblee off of Alex from A Clockwork Orange – a character whose so insufferably self-centered, he makes you wonder if he even deserves to act for himself-- so I feel like it’s fair to say that regardless of what anyone claims, the intention is for him to be an irredeemable person.

I think that what confuses a lot of people is that he has an understandable set of motivations, and people don’t understand the difference between an understandable villain and a sympathetic villain. Kimblee is not a sympathetic villain, he’s given no backstory, no noble goals, or sympathetic motivation. But he is an understandable villain. We understand his thought process, but that doesn’t mean that we can view him as a good person. Honestly, his motivation has always reminded me of alt-right accelerationism, he recognizes that the things he’s doing are bad, but he just doesn’t care.

This is why it bugs me when people claim that he and Riza had a connection, or that Riza sympathized with him. Because it ignores the narrative purpose of his character. He’s the manifestation of the hypocrisy of Amestris. The government claims violence is a necessary evil, but the system is built to reward sadism. It’s sort of like how our society claims to reward kindness, and yet the most powerful people are billionaires who exploit their workers. So when he tells Riza to look in the eyes of the people she kills, it’s impactful because she hates him. It’s her becoming disillusioned with the lies and propaganda of the military. They claim to be protecting the people of Amestris but in reality, they’re just a weapon for the government to use as it sees fit. Riza doesn’t sympathize with Kimblee, she loses her patriotism, and that is the point.

To be clear, I don’t care which characters you like, or what you ship, or whatever, but when you claim that Riza and Kimblee got along, you’re actively making her character less compelling. The narrative goes from “soldier becomes disillusioned with the military” to “woman is tempted by the ~dark side~” which like, that’s fine, there’s nothing inherently wrong with simplifying a character. My issue comes from the fact that people act like they’re improving her character or making her more interesting, and they’re not. She goes from a really interesting look into the purpose of the military and the motivations of the soldiers within it, to a poorly written YA protagonist. And for what?  A love-triangle? The aesthetic?

It just irritates me because there’s this undertone to it like they’re saving Riza from being overly dependent on a man by latching her to another man. Like, the whole point of Riza’s character is that despite being dehumanized her entire life, she is still a human with free will and agency, and their attempt to fix what they perceive as the faults of Riza’s character is to turn her into a tool used by a different man? Like, can’t she just be evil on her own? Why is she only allowed to do immoral things through the proxy of a man? It comes off as way more dehumanizing than any of the tropes they’re trying to fix, while also ignoring that she’s an intentional subversion of those tropes.

IDK, just to clarify, I really do not care about your personal taste or whatever content you make. It’s stupid to act like the mere act of liking a fictional character is indicative of a person’s actual ethics, and it’s even stupider to think that fandom discourse will have any sort of positive impact on their moral compass. What mostly bugs me is when people act like they're smarter than everyone else for liking something when it’s like??? Dude just like what you like you don’t need to lie about the narrative to justify it.

[rupturedtaleblog]

Anonymous Letter + Responses

”Hello! Hope you’re doing fine!”

Yello! I’m doing alright! I just checked the askbox and saw this, thought I’d give a few responses and clarify a few things given you went out of your way to type down all this.

“I’m just here to mention how much I love Rupturedtale! Well, I only discovered it yesterday, but it’s been a wild ride since then. I love what you did with the minor characters in the Ruins! I expected Napstablook to launch more self-deprecating non-jokes, but, meh, can’t all show random humans we’re depressed now, can we?”

The stuff with Blook was written a while back and I didn’t really have self-deprecating non-jokes in mind for them. I tend to not touch the stuff in general.

“It’s been an absolute (and delightful) shock when it was revealed the blue voice actually was Toriel. And the mercenaries, though KINNNDDDA annoying at first, became quite eandearing over time. Even though he’s kind of immature and uses bad language at times, I liked some of Madjick’s wording, ‘cause it really showed Monsterkind went through some stuff. I think I teared up when Jack visited Toriel’s bedroom. I didn’t get she actually was in his head yet xD”

Cursing was a bit more prevalent in earlier drafts of the AU, mostly in regards to Jack, given he’s meant to be an outsider and a moody teenager. It was toned down over the years as I’d rather it be used for the more “important” moments.

“Reusing the unused soundtrack “stars” for Knight Knight’s battle made it all the more epic. I really got into it, and kinda got attached to them.”

A lot of AUs tend to use Star for either Chara or Frisk, but given it was meant to be used for Madjick, I decided it’d ultimately be better used for The CORE Mercs instead. Mostly Knight Knight, all things considered. Given she’s kind of tall and imposing. 

“Ah. And of course. G R A N D P A.”

Don’t wake him up.

“I must admit I couldn’t quite fathom having a friendly flowey in the beginning. But I came to understand that this was a “failed pacifist ending” and not a “leaderless ending” as I was speculating, which actually allowed what I thought were plotholes to make a lot more sense.”

All I can say without going into spoiler territory is that his behaivour is not without purpose.

“Snowdin, at its beginning, has been a real nightmare. :D Keep in mind I thought this was a leaderless ending. Seeing Sans acting like he did, like nothing changed at all, got me, uh, unbelievably angry. 

Then it was made pretty clear a lot changed over time, and I got incredibly sad instead. :D 

That talk in Snowdin he’s got with Jack, about hate being a cycle… made me realize he’s got time to carefully mull things over. 

And me, I will never get over the fact that he’s now wearing Papyrus’ frigging old fedora. I’ve never seen someone able to reconcile heartwrenching and utterly hilarious so well. xD Fits Sans!”

Sans was kind of a nightmare to figure out how to write given the context of what occured prior to Jack falling down. But like with Flowey, I can tell you his behaivour is not without purpose.

I’m glad you like his fedora. Snowdin in general was meant to showcase various old concepts that didn’t make it into Undertale proper, like the 98 Robots and Papyrus’ old hat.

“THE ROBOT 98. WOW I LOVE THEM?! The Puzzle Punisher or whatever he’s called is by far my favorite I wish Papyrus met him I’m sure they’d find a lotta common ground. Well that’s maybe a lie 'cause my favorite is Ninety, or, since it’s Papyrus’ headcanon, Nintwo. I was very skeptical of him, but then he grew on us, I guess. His theme is awesome and his battle was too, and he and Dodge kind of remind us of Sans and Papyrus, but since they’re taking up their role in Snowdin that’s not much of a surprise. “

I’ve been told a lot of times that the 98 Robots are probably the most iconic thing in this AU, and I am not at all surprised to learn that.

I’m glad you enjoyed them as much as you did. The 98 Puzzle Punisher in particular is the best and most powerful character I have created for this AU. If there is a God out there He trembles in fear every time The 98 Puzzle Punisher is spoken of.

Jokes aside, I do not recall if Ninty and Doge being a bit similar to the brothers was done deliberately or if it was an accident on my part. At the end of the day you will find that they do not share the same ideals as them, which is what matters the most at the end of it.

“Oh my God, Jack crashing on Papyrus’ grave. This absolutely abominable act made my day. This is probably when I truly fell in love with this comic (hence the love letter.)”

Good.

“Visiting Sans and only Sans’ house was sad. It’s clean. The kitchen is empty. 

…The sock is picked up. 

That was all very wrong.”

:)

“Oh also, let me tell you how much I love the OST! I already mentioned Knight Knight and 90’s one, which are my favorites, but I’ve gotta say the one that plays during Snowdin area, the “Home Of Papyrus” one, and the remix of Toriel’s OST are also huge hits in my heart at least. “

I’m glad to hear that. The soundtrack for this was something I wanted done for a long while now. You’ll come to find the future tracks even better.

“So. If I got all this right, Asgore is alive. I’m so glad he is, I love him xD I’m also sad because this means he won’t get into Jack’s head -._-. This is crushing all your fan theories that went like : “RupturedTale, the AU where instead of collecting dead human items throughout your journey, you collect dead monsters’ voices in your head.”

I was truly waiting for the point when Toriel, Papyrus, Undyne, Alphys, Mettaton, Asgore would have been commenting Jack’s every move with “helpful” remarks, though…. 

This sounds like a lightly complicated situation, doesn’t it?”

Having the entire cast of Undertale in my head sounds like a fate worse than death. Imagine the noise.

“Asgore is still in charge, the human attempted a genocide run and got stopped at Undyne, which makes for empty ruins, empty snowdin, and empty waterfall. From there, Undyne could have died alongside the human— but judging by the something’s presence it’s unlikely. Something must have happened, and Undyne got both herself and the human disabled somehow— one of ‘em, Undyne particularly, is probably the something, judging by the fishlike shadow we can see following Jack around. Maybe both of them. I don’t really think determination melts humans, though…..”

If only you knew how bad things really are.

“Obviously, at this point, it’s got pretty clear that what we thought was cold acceptance from Sans is anything but. He wants to “rat out” the something, particularly if it IS the human. He’s going to the extent of looking creepy and trying to “use” Jack to do so. This means it’s more of a priority to him than he lets it show.  

Why is that? I couldn’t tell you: Asgore seeks it out too perhaps? …Or maybe he’s got something against this human. (How would I have guessed!) 

Or does he simply just want to “see how it all ends?”

That’s some weird, cryptic, mildly concerning sentence. Particularly concerning the double meanings this statement has. That’s our Sans alright.”

You’d find that Jack is someone who, at the end of the day, get things done.

One way or another.

“Anyhow, MTT probably took the place of the CPTN considering his G L A M O U R O U S shows. I wonder what motivated him to expand the royal guard… Alphys’s death? Her connection with Undyne? MTT doesn’t hate Humans in the first place, does he? Is the CPTN actually some other guy? 

What’s up with the capital? What’s up with Asgore? Can I hug Asgore? Will Sans ever give me his fedora, I want the same? Will freeing the amalgamates make Doge happy? I love Doggo, did he get a proper grave?”

ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

“What would happen if someone went to Sans and said : 

“Hey dude, y’know that human you’re sitting next to?” 

“yup, i know him. we met a few hours ago.” 

“Well, uh, actually, this guy’s possessed.”

*Sans remebers the time Jack screamed alone in the forest and threw a tantrum for stress relief. 

“yeah, i know.” 

“Huh, no, for real. There’s two people living in his head.” 

“don’ worry, i suspected it went that far.” 

“And those people are like, the most important people in your life that just died a few months ago and put you through a tumultuous period of constant changes, depression, and internal crisis. Every time you talk to Jack, they hear.” 

“…huh. mind tellin’ me who those two people are?” 

“Sans. Your dead brother is living, and talking, and sometimes even stress-cleaning inside the head of this kid that’s currently watching TV right next to you.” 

Sans didn’t have much to respond to that. besides maybe, “…” 

“And the old lady you spent hours trading jokes with, that just happened to be your closest friend? She’s also living inside this kid’s head.” 

Sans looked at Jack’s coconut-sized skull. 

“must be crowded in there.”  “

That’s a hysterical visual.

Jack and his Monsterkind-shaped head:

“Love your AU!! Awaiting eagerly for the next part, more answers, and Jack’s sweet descent into madness as the voices take up most of his dominant personality. I’m happy each time they talk and give their wonderful advice and opinion.”

Thank you so much. I was delighted seeing this letter and the drawings amidst the sea of pretty silly asks. I hope you don’t mind that I responded to it. I’m truly touched to see someone talk about a story I’ve written like this.

As for the rest of this AU, while things are going to be a little different moving forward, I think you’ll very much enjoy what I have in store next.

Oh, and as always.

Embrace your ideals.

[torotornottorot]

Books read in 2023:

The secret life of bees (Jan 6) 4/5 (probably would have enjoyed it more when I was younger. Great overall but still the mammy stereotype. Don’t like it when poc women are portrayed as ~divine creatures~ we are just normal people and we just wanted to treated like normal people. Nothing more, nothing less. Too flowery and cliche at parts but still good overall.) 

I’m glad my mom died (Jan 15) 5/5 (funny and thrilling. Reading this would probably help a lot of people with toxic parents think through their own trauma) 

Evil Under the Sun (Jan 17) 4/5 (simple and entertaining. Not a masterwork of literature but satisfying nonetheless. A bit slow to get started but great overall) 

The hunting party (Feb 4) 4/5 (found hard to get into it/get invested because of unlikeable cast of characters but stil high rating for unexpected ending. I was bored a few times in the beginning and middle parts but it really picked up in the end and made up for it. Would make a great movie) 

Sparkling cyanide (audiobook) (Feb 20) 3/5 (good to listen to while doing other work around the house. Probably not worth it to take separate time out to read) 

Last bus to Woodstock (Feb 24) 3/5 (hated the main detective and how he went about the investigation eg. relying on instinct and chance discoveries. But the side characters were super interesting and the ending was unexpected. Would have liked it better if inspector Lewis was the main character. No decent female characters. Only wh*res or the "shrill wife." But the crime itself was interesting and I liked the writing style). 

And then there were none (audiobook) (Feb 26) 5/5 (Omg. I was in thrall throughout. My favorite Agatha Christie book I’ve read so far. I actually thought there had to be a supernatural explanation lol) 

The dark remains (feb 26) 3/5 (not bad. Just boring. Can tell it was written by a dude. Not one interesting character despite being set in the gang world. Very cliche type of noir) 

The Falls (Ian Rankin) (March 1) 4/5 (great buildup but disappointing payoff. Loved the concept of the quizmaster. Very likable the main detectives and very interesting plot. Sustains you throughout despite being so long. But yeah. Didn’t quite like the solution to the murder) 

Wire in the blood (March 22) 5/5 (excellent. Gory but excellent. What a plot!) 

The distant echo (March 30) 5/5 (omg. If someone asks me what’s your favorite crime fiction book I’d say this one! Very suspenseful and unpredictable loved it loved it loved it!!!!) 

The Guest List (April 13) 6/5 (this surpasses the distant echo. This actually made me feel things. The amount of gasps I gusped could have powered the state of Texas for a year. Absolutely loved it. ) 

East of Eden (May 15) 100/5 (what kind of genius do you have to be to write such a book?  

In Cold Blood 4/5 (May 30) maybe bc I already knew the story, I kinda had to force myself to finish this 

Macbeth 5/5 (June 14) iconic 

Northanger Abby by Val Mcdermid 4/5 (June 17) fun modern retelling. Expected a crime and twist but it was faithful to the original. Enjoyed reading. 

Gone girl 6/5 (June 24) omg her mind. Will definitely read more by her. Wish I hadn’t seen the movie before so I could have been fully surprised. Liked the ending. 

The Pearl (5/5) (July 3) not a page turner but a good depiction of reality. Very sad. 

Age of Vice 3/5 (July 7) great beginning but I didn’t like the ending. I think the author tried to put too many stories and perspectives in one. That whole bit of Sunil was unnecessary? It just slowed the story down at such a crusial moment. And Sunny’s backstory with Vicky too. I don’t think it was necessary to have an unbelievably tragic backstory for every character and he already had his deal with his dad. Some things are never clarified like what happened to his mom, his true relationship with Vicky. Why Ajay agreed. Ajay turns out of be such a loser in the end. Maybe it’s “realistic” but lots of things that happen in this book are not realistic so I don’t know why only the ending has to be realistic. I wish I could have followed Ajay’s journey to a good ending. 

Milk fed 2/5 (August 12) only read bc of booktok. Good seeds here and there. didn't realy like it.

The club (5/5) (august 19) excellent, gripping. A bit longer than it needed to be though. 

The grownup Gillian Flynn (4/5) (October 19) great short story. Great writing. So engaging. Perfect length for getting back into reading 

Emma by charlotte Brontë and another lady (5/5) (Nov 2) love. Mr. Ellin needs to be played by Simon Baker in a movie. 

A room of one’s own by Virginia Woolf (Nov 11) (1000/5). This has been on my to read list for ages. I see quotes from this everywhere and every time I’m astounded by how she just she gets it and knows exactly what to say to express it perfectly. The essay was everything I imagined it would be. Forever grateful to that Destiel fanfic for introducing me to this. 

Villette (4/5) (Dec 29) lovely 

Girl, interrupted (5/5) (Dec 31) made me ponder about a lot of things. Her youth was really kind of stolen from her. Made to freeze just like that painting. what is the right thing to do? What is helping and what is hurting? What does “crazy” even mean? I think I tend to be very judgemental about this kind of stuff. But this book made me realize that people are people even if you do not understand why they act a certain way. They feel the same as me. 

[wri0thesley]

THAT MOTHERFUCKER!! I’ve NEVER had beef with a fictional character like I have Grade A5 Waygu fucking BEEF with Sinbad. I’ve never hated and also been attracted to someone so much at once.

But yeah he’s fr dead up your alley. Imagine Sampo if he was really really well written and a little less overt about what a bastard he is.

Anonymous asked: Oh sorry. Sinbad is the purple haired recommendation you just received. Just to clarify

DFSVKJNFKJN literally all of this and nobody has told me what he is even from! how will i know if i like it! what kind of anime/manga is it!!!

[agent-cupcake]

Hey, another fanfic writer here—I saw ur recent post regarding lack of interest, and I have a few things I’d like to share that would hopefully help you since I’ve felt, and to an extent STILL feel the way you do about the topic of only really getting attention for fics of other more popular fandoms while the ones your proud of are just… 20 likes, as you said.

Apologies for the unasked advice, I come from a place of complete empathy since I’ve been there again and again to where I’d write a shit one off for a fic and it would get more traction then the stuff I actually put work into—like “wow you guys prefer some garbage written fluff of x character but this fic, which i have poured a LOT into, isn’t really acknowledged?” and unfortunately, there’s really no way of getting past that feeling beyond just completely removing yourself from the concept of being praised/putting importance in other people’s thoughts.

Genuinely I have not felt better than now when I post fics because I completely disregard people’s opinions—both good and bad, whether it be praise or mild hate—whatever is said, I feel nothing. This has fostered to the extent where I get annoyed when I get excessive likes for a fic because I find the notifs annoying. It’s a sad reality, but as writers (or creatives in general) it’s a detriment to consider others, especially when YOU, a painfully, undoubtedly SKILLED writer whose unpaid.

Seriously, not to give you the sloppy or whatever, but you’re fucking GOOD. And not to be the “hehe im a hardass and hard to impress!” but genuinely, reading your fics just makes me “😨” BECAUSE THEYRE SO GOOD?? HOW ARE THEY NOT PUBLISHED WORKS?? HOW ARE YOU ONLY GETTING 200 NOTES?? And it pains me to read that you’re deeply effected by the lack of traction you get, because I understand, but you must understand your worth isn’t defined by degens online who want a good smut or just a person who wants to read any content made of a niche character :(

Yadiyadia, long story short: You’re good (REALLY good) and I STRONGLY advise you learn to completely detach yourself from the want for praise and learn to create merely because you enjoy it, because in the end, all that matters is that YOURE happy and you, as the unpaid and sinfully underrated fanfic writer, enjoy the process.

I was being whiny and pathetic last night I don't like the way I came off so first off, I thank you for sending this, and thank all of the people who responded to my complaining with such kindness and understanding. There are so many wonderful people who have followed and interacted with me throughout the years. It's really unfair when I get depressive to be whiny about interaction when I have proof that so many people are willing to read 20k+ word fics. That's, what, over an hour out of their lives? Regardless if they comment or interact beyond that, it's something I'm way too willing to take for granted. I do apologize for speaking in a way that devalues what a blessing all of you are. When I'm upset I have a tendency to speak in a way that plays on guilt or sympathy way too much and, combined with my poor communication skills, I really do not like the way I came off especially since the people who reached out are the same ones who have been supporting me to begin with. It's poor behavior and I should be more mindful. Really, truly, thank you so much for offering your kindness and support, it really does mean a lot to me.

This is good advice and you're right that it's something I should keep in mind. Perspective is the name of the game unless you want to suffer. For the most part, I really do try to think this way. You know, create for the sake it of, enjoy what you do, all of that. To clarify, a little bit, the feelings behind my rambling last night, I view creation as an inherently interactive process. I have an idea and try to figure out how best to express that idea so I can share it with the reader who can then interpret and respond to that idea. The reader can tell me if I properly expressed that idea, or if I failed. That's why even something as small as "this was hot lol" is meaningful is because it's somebody telling me that I was successful with expressing my idea . But if this is how I feel about content creation, the only conclusion I'm able to draw from saying I don't care about feedback is to never post anything at all. I can't be "good" in a bubble. There's nothing to be learned, or understood, or measured if I am the only audience for myself. I write and share stories to express ideas to others because I genuinely think I have something to offer other people. Sure, it's often an appeal to sexuality or ridiculous levels of heightened emotion for the sake of titillation, but there's a lot of evidence of just how valuable people deem content like that. If somebody is willing to read a 20k+ word fic, I would like to know why. What I was whining about more than anything was a lack of interaction rather than traction. I don't expect to be wildly popular with reader insert, but it irks me that people would be more willing to demand I post more content (such as with the HxH stuff) than they would to show their appreciation for content I've already put up and they've consumed. Now that I'm not in that state of mind, I can acknowledge that this was a childish view to take that could very well not even be true on top of weird framing of holding my fics hostage for the sake of attention.

Anyway, I'm sorry that was an objectively bad take and I'll blame being sad and tired. I truly thank everybody who has responded kindly and with a reminder to focus on what actually matters (degeneracy and thirsting). I apologize again for putting people in that position it was pretty lame of me.

[geeese420]

hey dudes. I wanted to share one of my favorite essays i’ve ever written. it’s about growing up bi/ace in a southern christian household and how being a part of two communities that notoriously butt heads affected me growing up.

I wrote this paper for a university english class on women, gender, and sexuality. I had to use sources from the class in my paper but I was kind of just letting the feelings flow, so if my citations seem kind of out of place that’s why.

for the sake of my privacy I will be editing this a bit, but if you take the time to read it, thank you!

hope everyone had a happy pride month

disclaimer: I have a deep respect for religion and religious people. I am even a bit religious myself to this day. I do not respect hateful people. there is a difference.

content warning: sexual abuse of a minor, religious trauma

please respect my privacy and beliefs if you choose to comment.

Bridging the Gap, by Jaiden M Goodman (creative work pseudonym)

The world is healing and growing in its view towards difference, but there is no denying that we have a long way to go. Modern American society, possibly one of the most accepting societies towards the LGBTQ+ community on Earth, is still incredibly founded in systemic homophobia and fear of difference. This stems largely from religion and the death grip it has on our world. From this grip, stereotypes and stigmas have blossomed like poisoned flowers. I would like to discuss the effect that stigma and growing up in a religious household had on my own coming out, and the way similar issues are addressed in the movie, “But I’m A Cheerleader.”

Before I begin, I would like to clarify that I am aware that arguing against homophobia by speaking on religion in a negative light is hypocritical. I do not take issue with religion. I take issue with the fact that certain groups of people will use religion as an excuse to be cruel, which defeats the purpose of religion as a whole.

I grew up in a very Catholic household. My grandparents and parents are extremely Catholic, I went to Catholic private schools K-12, and I went to go to church twice a week without missing a single time for eighteen years of my life. I always felt distressed, because I loved and still love my God and have had a very deep connection with them for a long time, but I also agreed with certain beliefs from other religions, an act I was taught could summon demons, and I was made to sit in a church twice a week where I was expected to fall to my knees in shame of my human nature and ability to make mistakes. I was told over and over that the God I loved was a hateful, masculine figure. That he created women to be beneath men, and that he hated gay people and people who are different, and that he created humans with the ability to romantically love just to have sex and reproduce in order to create more Catholics. I was also told that in accordance with my faith, I, a young girl, was expected to grow up and have a husband who I lived to serve. Everything I was to do would be to put him at ease. Him, a man I did not yet know. I feared growing up and entering into that kind of life. I feared womanhood. What was even more confusing for me was that I found myself seeing women and hoping for their touch, my gaze lingering on their soft curves and long, beautiful hair. My mother and other Christian women told me I simply wanted to be more like these women. I see this reflected on Megan in “But I’m A Cheerleader.” Megan sees girls and finds herself attracted, but her religious upbringing and parents have caused her to rule out the possibility of homosexuality altogether. She thinks her desires for women are “normal,” which in this context implies heterosexual. She has been conditioned to see the perfectly natural and beautiful homosexual thoughts she has as platonic desires (12:17). Growing up, my mother would tell me that she also looked at girls and admired their beauty, and that it was normal to appreciate women. I always knew my “appreciation” was something much deeper in the back of my mind, but being conditioned to think it was typical heterosexual admiration silenced my desire to explore my attraction and understand myself. In fact, I was raised around people who claimed homosexuality made them uncomfortable, and thus developed a homophobic mindset of my own. Like Megan, I was conditioned to see gay people as “unnatural” (8:07), “unhealthy,” and against what God intended (3:24). What is interesting to me, though, is what made my youth different from theirs. Since I was raised in the digital age, I had access to a lot of media involving gay people during my formative years. No one could really shield me from what they deemed “inappropriate.” My adolescence was during the peak of Tumblr and huge internet groups that bonded over support for homosexual “ships,” or fictional relationships, canon or otherwise. Having access to the internet during this time made me a lot more accepting of gay men. The interesting part is that I was still very lesophobic. Lesbians were much less represented in the media I consumed then, and I think being a young girl who had only ever heard of fairytales and fictional women being straight made me a lot less open to the idea that women can be gay.

My mother, who I see now is quite homophobic, though she tries and means so well, always insisted she could not be homophobic since her best friend growing up was a lesbian. I grew up knowing this woman and her now wife. They are both butch presenting lesbians, and my mother taught me that all lesbians dressed like men because they wanted to be men, since men were allowed to love women. I thought I couldn’t be attracted to girls because I didn��t want to be a man. My mom would also ask her friend not to kiss her then girlfriend in front of her or my family, but that rule did not apply to straight couples in her presence. I remember one time, when I was a bit older, I went to Disney World with my family, and there was a gay couple kissing and taking selfies in front of a fountain. I was happy to see a couple in love, especially since the right to homosexual marriage had been recently legalized and I was old enough to understand the importance of such a victory. My mother scowled and said it was disgusting for them to do that in public, and that just because it was legal now doesn’t mean they should flaunt it. Most of my family shares this viewpoint. They pretend to be okay with homosexual couples as long as they hide it in public and only express love for one another in complete privacy. They say it’s too sexual, and that children won’t understand it and they’ll be corrupted. I could never understand why it was any different from seeing a straight couple hold hands or kiss. How does the sexual orientation of the couple change the activity taking place? It was the exact same amount of sexual energy.

I realized as I grew old enough to understand sex that gay people are widely seen as hypersexual. I am not entirely sure why we are seen this way, but “But I’m A Cheerleader” displays this stigma as well. The opening scene shows cheerleaders jumping with closeup shots on their butts and chests (00:48), and when we meet Mary, the head of the camp, she describes lesbian desires in an extremely sexual and objectifying way (12:01). I think a lot of people hear “gay” or “lesbian” and automatically think of sodomy. To this day, I don’t understand why gay relationships are seen as purely sexual, but this made discovering my asexuality very confusing. I discovered I was bisexual at fifteen years old, the same year I lost my virginity to my abuser. I had so many sexual firsts ripped from me that sex had suddenly lost all its excitement and charm. I came out as bisexual to my parents before I came to terms with my asexuality. I quickly reassured my parents that I had a major preference for boys (though the opposite was true), but my mother’s first words back to me after “No, you’re not,” were “How will you have children?” I still think about this. Her first thought was of her sixteen-year-old’s future sexual endeavors. How my sex would be sinful because it was not “as God intended.” A similar concept is shown in “But I’m A Cheerleader,” as Mary has the campers essentially assaulted while she watches, saying it’s “beautiful” and “as God intended” (1:09:50). It sickens me that people fail to notice how much more there is to love than sex. If straight people can cuddle and hold hands without spreading their legs, so can gay people; and I guarantee God did not cheer every time I was coerced, and they do not weep when I wave my asexual flag.

After I was coerced for the first time, I was greatly confused as to why I didn’t enjoy the act of sex. It’s worth mentioning that I did not know I had been coerced until much later. Sex was such a taboo topic growing up, especially since I was raised on the “save yourself for marriage” philosophy. Not only was I overcome by religious guilt, but I felt like I had no one to talk to about my experience with sex. I eventually decided sex simply had been oversold to me and tricked myself into thinking I was enjoying it when in reality I would just lie there and let it happen, praying for it to end until it did. At the time I had never heard of coercion. As far as I was concerned there was only rape and consensual sex and no grey area. I was convinced I was completely consenting when I would say “fine, I guess,” after saying no and listening to my abuser beg and promise to be quick. It got so bad that once or twice they even offered to pay me.

After the relationship finally ended and I realized I had been abused, I found it very hard to find my place in the LGBTQ community. Bisexual media online was often very sexually charged, whether it was couples kissing or comic strips exchanging steamy remarks, I often felt like being bi meant I had to feel sexual attraction towards men and women the same way. I think what made me realize I was asexual was a post I came across on Instagram when I was about 17 years old. The post was an image of a scantily clad anime woman with a speech bubble saying, “twice the options, twice the fun.” I thought about this for a while and realized that sex with my first boyfriend had never once been fun for me. It had only ever been tiring or stressful. It felt like a chore. My then-girlfriend and I weren’t yet intimate, but I realized that I at least had some sexual attraction to her. I did some research and concluded that I was technically a biromantic homosexual, or just bi and ace to make things simple. Once I realized there was a name for what I was experiencing, I found my community right away. I watched videos about married couples talking about living asexually and I found online communities of people my age with shared experiences.

In college I entered my first somewhat healthy relationship with an AMAB person and learned of the term “demisexual.” Demisexual is a term under the ace umbrella that essentially represents the grey area in between a typical sex drive and being completely asexual. More specifically, it means that you only feel sexual attraction after having formed a deep romantic bond with someone, usually over a long period of time, and if you’re like me, you still don’t have a very high sex drive after that. These little specific sub-labels and niche parts of the LGBTQ community are a hassle to some people, but to me, having that extra specific relatability with a group of people is really special. I have never felt more comfortable with my sexuality. Sure, some people still hear I’m bisexual (I choose not to use the term “biromantic” or “panromantic,” though they are more accurate, so people understand what I mean easier.) and automatically think I’m just confused or a “f*ck-anything-that-moves” teenager, but knowing who I am and where I belong makes me care a whole lot less, and makes me love myself and the person God created me to be that much more.

My sexuality has not torn me from my faith. In fact, it has led me on the ultimate spiritual journey of my life. I have found myself so much closer to my spirituality than I ever was before because of the ostracization I faced from the people in my religious community. Feeling like an outsider in the Catholic Church led me to research and experiment with elements of other faiths from a variety of cultures and groups of people, and finding my place spiritually has had a very similar comforting feeling to finding my place in the LGBTQ community. Many members of the LGBTQ community are deterred from religion, and rightfully so, given the history of religion with queer folk, but for many people, finding a sound religious identity is extremely comforting and affirming. I hope for a future where queer folk can be openly religious if they choose, and be safe doing so, and I hope for a future where love is not assumed to be null and void without sex.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

source:

Babbit, Jamie. "But I'm a cheerleader." Universal City, CA : Universal Studios : 1999

[jonathankatwhatever]

It’s 13 May 2024, and I want to consider the gs meaning of specific base forms. Beginning with e, and I’ll see if I can even make a start on that. I think it’s the conceptual key because the space that defines is not just a version of 1Space, meaning what I think of now as gs1 to distinguish it from the not necessary to state rs1.

BTW, I need to say that Silly Love Songs, if done with The Beatles, would be considered one of the great songs. That long musical break would bring home the bittersweet depth inherent in a love song. It would be more obviously satirical with great affection. An almost. Not a fan of the drumming.

The gs meaning of e, or the 1Space counting meaning of e, is the count of gs2, and specifically the relation of any count of gs1 to the count of gs2, meaning the complete potential of the count of 2 as 1 Thing. That means the space defined by exponentiating e is that space of a Thing made of 2 Things.

I can’t imagine that idea has ever been written down anywhere before. I almost instantly - I’m eating a bagel with cream cheese and drinking a latte - looked up L’Hopital’s rule to see if it now translates better. It does. The indeterminacy condition, for example, is the connection to 1Space, to gs counting. That enables the other conditions, including the quotient existing. This becomes a terrific example of the relation of gs counting to rs counting. I’m sorry but I have to adopt that idea; it clarifies what’s happening too well. I hate adding jargon to the simple act of counting, but it seems to help here.

I note the condition of differentiability becomes more obvious when you think of a Triangular sheet or a gs sheet. If you can’t compare to find a change, then you’re not representing something visible. Literally in sheets, because we described how and why a diatomic conception emerges. The realization that we can describe the linkage over finite fields of different areas of mathematics has had some far-reaching

I also wish Steely Dan had gone all the way to jazz on some songs. Do It Again. A few notes and inflections would open that up so much.

This greatly simplifies a derivation of Irreducibility. I think. Or hope. Let’s see where this goes. We now have a clearer understanding of 2:1 as a base. That extends all over the place, which is why we find it all over physics: anytime we combine 2:1, then some form of a Thing forms or at least can be evaluated for existence, even if we’re looking for negative existence.

Holy moly. That’s a direct line from one of the work sessions I experienced as a child during development of the Mission Storyline. Way before the Storyline label existed. I remember describing how we examine the patterns for the non-existence where we would expect existence

I love David Gates’ songs. I would give up everything I own. Brings me to tears every time. And of course they follow that with Operator. I loved Jim Croce. I only wish my words could just convince myself it just wasn’t real but that’s not the way I feel. You can keep the dime.

I have been trying to label myself. Visionary mathematician fits because I see math. But also emotional mathematician, because emotions are constructions with too many dimensions to be contained logically, to be seen, so they overwhelm into a

The production on Someone Saved My Life Tonight is perfect. Gus Dudgeon must have been remarkable working with Elton. What a singer.

Let’s shift to another base. What about p-adic numbers? What kind of space do they generate? I think gs counting explains these better than anything I’ve seen because this says we take the rs convert to gs and use as a base exactly as we have described: gs primes incorporate the gs processes which construct the prime and which enable relations to other gs counts, prime or composite.

I wish they’d play Traffic. The low spark of high-heeled boys.

Anyway. Isn’t this the point of p-adic numbers? That they have exactly the properties just described, that the embody process and enable attachment to other processes. They define metric spaces and thus topologies. So yeah. It’s weird to see things like the triangle inequality and how it then extends to the ultrametric, et voilá.

This makes me feel terrible. I mean: we’re barely into the infancy of understanding where this material leads. Like the giant baby at the end of 2001.

Look at 419. The +1 Attachment means we generate a 2:1 Thing, which then I-s checks, meaning Identity-structure checks, across 420, which yes presents as 6*7, which is indeed the full count of a Hexagon, meaning it counts up to the 1Segment on the far side of the Start bT, when counting off both 1Segment edges. BTW, I want to mention here that e begins with 2 because we start with 1 + 1/1. The reason I mention that now is I forgot to note how that embodies the ancient conception of movement as paradox, that steps added together increase forever and that steps divided also increase forever, which is a version of the inversion inherent in a 1-0Segment, meaning in 1Space counting. I say 1Space there because that’s higher level than gs counting, though I’m sometimes using one for the other, for which I apologize. It should be clear that 1Space counting includes gs counting along with Triangular, Hexagonal, and the entire ideal form generation in D-structure.

There is something more in that. Let’s tug on it. See what comes out.

Ideal form generation in D-structure tests through and into or as I-s. Okay. So what that means is each level of representation, each form, generates against ideal, and the extent - which becomes an Extent - of match or difference appears. That can model as simply as a stretch of Ends along an Extent which we can stand on ‘End’ so it acts as a door or some count, like a scalar or other result.

That generates pathways through higher dimensions based on best fit. I communicated with a person with late onset hallucinatory schizophrenia. Said some delusions were contextual, like conversations with her children, but others were not, like a dead person staring at her. I can see how these can be incorporated within a larger gsSpace that resolves this way, and thus which distinguishes the weird from the sensible, and then further at a more local level, the sensible but not actual from actual, as that 1-0Segments. This means they’re taking an End, and flipping it, putting the delusional End on the wrong side of the experiential Boundary. That works in 2:1 more easily than I would have thought, because that draws a line in the perceptual field which populates on the ‘wrong’ side.

And here, the only grand gesture I can offer you is fundamental understandings and how they can be applied to help life both here and through eternity. That’s effectively all I can offer you. In O notation, after all, eternity is overwhelmingly more valuable than anything else. It’s the ultimate asymptote.