#to be fair ive done a lot of fucking shit this weekend and i suppose im comparably good on time

[mymagnificentself]

the thing is, ive always been special or "gifted" or whatever growing up, or at least things would just come easy or naturally to me so that i wouldnt have to do much (and could endulge my lazy nature) and still be pretty well above average, if even still one of the smartest ones (that people would come to for questions and whatnot).

so, accordingly, ive never learned how to deal with frustration (in general, but especially of not Getting something right away) and just generally how to deal with Not Being The Best, or even just Not Being Very Good at something.

and now thats come back around to bite me in the ass bc im still going around with that would-be sense of "superiority" that ive gotten so used to, only now with starting work and school on a completely new topic (taxes if anyones wondering) that ive never had anything to do with and thus respectively, No fucking idea about

with people who very much have had some experience or pre knowledge about it, or are just generally BETTER at it than ME

is absolutely fucking with me.

suddenly basing all my sense of self worth and whatnot on how well i do academically (and by extension at work), without being willing to put any Real effort in it is starting to turn into a slippery slope Downwards :)

and the funnest thing(s) about that, is that since its like a self sustaining system, once its in motion its very hard to get oit of it again.

like, not doing well in class→frusttation, discontent, no motivation→stop paying attention, putting in the effort→ understanding less and less→feeling more and more stupid and incapable→↑frustration and overall ↓↓↓ plummeting mental health

not to mention that the entirety of this piece of shit christmas business is already stressing me out as fuck, honestly WHY the fuck is it even that big of a thing, then as well winter= lack of sunshine (and apparently i am already lacking vitamin d anyways, which ↑makes depression worse (not to mention i literally dont even get to see any fucking sunlight lately whenever im at work, and not even get me started on how stressed out and and anxious ive been about pretty muchEVEry FucKiNG thing regarding WORK))

also this is the first winter in.. a feeewww years that im not on meds anymore (and honestly whos shitty idea was that anyways, especially now that im what feels like Constantly stressed out about *something* or rather *nothing* bc i know in fact its absokutely fucking insignificant but that doesnt change anything so fuck me i guess)

so in conclusion, my brain is fucked (more than usual) and i dont even think that it has nothing to with me bc i know its totally my business to deal with that somehow contructively but honesly, if anyone else comes at me with exercise and that i need to be active and positive and Do Something i will shove their head so far up their ass theyll be able to make a great fucking ventriloquist

[hptruefan-cheekytorah]

Nano-vember | The Glue

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Warning: This chapter contains strong language and soppy emotional garbage 😅😉❤️

Tagging my Drarryville friends: @drarryruinedme7 @keyflight790 @cassiaratheslytherpuff @dewitty1

Thank you to the very wonderful @keyflight790 for Beta Reading this story ❤️❤️❤️

If anyone else would like to be tagged for updates please let me know!

Previous chapters:

(I) | (II) | (III) | (IV) | (V) | (VI)

~*~

Part VII

It was probably petty. Definitely petty. With it being still a few days before he could take leave for the weekend, he had changed the wards for his chambers. He pouted like a petulant child, listening to Harry knocking and calling sweet words and apologies through the door. It was probably half two when Draco had gotten tired of it, put up a silencing charm and went to bed. He half expected, half hoped Harry was waiting outside his rooms when he emerged in the morning, but Draco supposed he had a bit more decency than that. Of all the romantic ideals, it was highly inappropriate if students were to see that sort of spectacle.

Draco was particularly exhausted. No amount of Pepper Up potions could help the bags and red eyes he had from the tears and lack of sleep. He sunk into his regular seat at the table, which he didn’t register as his first mistake until he made the second mistake; he turned to speak to Harry immediately, momentarily forgetting his anger. He froze, the words of greeting stuck in his throat and he swallowed them back and opted for what he hoped was a look of indifference. He reached for the platter of steaming bacon instead and chose to ignore the puppy dog eyes which Harry sported.

“Come to my chambers at lunch?” Harry whispered into his ear. Draco shivered involuntarily.

“I think not.”

“Then I’ll come to yours.”

“Nope, sorry I’m busy, I have a thing with Longbottom.” Draco sniffed, forgetting one important thing.

“I think we can push that thing to later, don’t you think, Malfoy?” Neville said from his right.

Draco glared at Neville, who just looked at him with an amused yet innocent expression. Draco scowled at his bacon. He hadn’t slept right; his world had flipped, Harry had humiliated him, and NOW he wanted to talk?

“Why?” Draco flinched at how vulnerable he sounded.

He wasn’t even sure if Harry would know Draco was talking to him. Only that he wasn’t going to go off with the idiot to be dumped. One rejection in twenty-four hours was enough. Something about the look on his face must have made Harry change his mind.

“Because, I could announce how much I love you and what a fool I was last night--right here, right now--but I think that’s better said in private,” Harry whispered, his breath tickling Dracos ear, before standing. “Wouldn’t you agree?

Draco nodded absentmindedly, his face turning an embarrassing shade of red. He watched as Harry walked away, and Merlin if he hadn’t wanted to jump him when he had spoken those three stupid little words, he’d want to right then, wearing the bloody trousers Draco had left in his room last week. His head was full of horribly inappropriate thoughts for the rest of the morning, and he all but ran to Harry’s class which let out a few minutes after his own. They walked silently back to Harry’s rooms, and once inside Draco sat with shaking hands in his lap, while Harry thanked the elves for bringing them their soup.

“I’m sorry.”

“Harry, look I-”

“No, I need to say this because you deserved better than that. I want more, and it scared me. I love you but I’m not perfect.” Harry seemed to hesitate. “I need you to know something.”

Draco recognized that look, it was the one Harry had been wearing for days, and now registered it for what it was. He looked guilty.

“If you slept with someone-”

“What? No!” Harry laughed, but there seemed to be little humour in it. “Merlin, no! That’s the thing, I would never do that to you. Fuck, I’ve loved you for probably longer than I even knew. I couldn’t do that to you.”

“Then what is it, Harry?” Draco could see so many emotions on Harry’s face: guilt, sadness, fear, but through it all he looked at Draco with a fierce sort of love. “We’ve been through a lot, I think whatever it is, that we can get through it! Look at us, I have scars across my chest, I gave you a broken nose and put you, and all your--our--friends through hell. If we can get through that, then I don’t think anything can get in the way. As long as we, er, love--ahem-- each other.” Draco felt his face turning red again at the disgusting sentimentality he was spewing.

“You alright?” Harry cracked a grin. “Gonna make it? Or you gonna die from all these emotional outbursts of yours?”

“I just might.” Draco groaned and buried his face in Harry’s neck.

Harry chuckled and wrapped his arms around Draco. He sighed into Draco’s hair--surely messing it up--but Draco could hardly care. He just felt so warm and good right now.

“I love you, Merlin, so much. It’s just that--” Harry sighed again. “I have a stupid crush. It’s nothing compared to how I feel about you, and I would never ever do anything about it. Draco please understand that, you are--well i hope you are--my boyfriend. I don’t want to ever risk that.”

Draco listened to Harry talking so fast, anxious that Draco might have stormed out. Might have found Harry’s admission unacceptable or unforgivable. He couldn’t help himself, he started laughing over the ridiculousness of their childish behaviour lately.

“Er, Draco?”

“Sorry, it’s just, that’s why you’ve been feeling so guilty lately?” Draco asked, and when Harry nodded he continued. “You love me right?” Another more frantic nod. “Then I don’t care, I mean I don't expect you not to notice other people for the next, er however long we are together. I’ve done my fair share of noticing.”

Draco felt some bile in the back of his throat. This is where he should admit that he’s harbouring more than a crush sort of feelings for one of their best friends.

“That’s not the worst of it, Draco,” Harry seemed to take a deep breath. “It’s who the person is that makes it-”

“Harry, I don’t care. My mother told me something once. Love is about making a choice to be with someone, making a choice to choose them every day, to choose a life with them in it, no matter the other shit.” Draco looked away as he recalled the memory of asking his mother to leave their father when he was sixteen. “I’ve done some noticing, have felt things for other people and do still about someone, but you are the one i want to be with, the one I love, the one I can’t imagine not being with. I don’t need to know who it is, you don’t owe me that. I’m not sure I want to know anyways.”

“I love you.”

“Stop saying it.” Draco laughed and kissed Harry’s neck. “Especially when there are so many better things you could do with your mouth.” He added cheekily.

Harry hummed in agreement.

________

Next

[btspornfavor-blog]

A Detrimental Passion

Part IV || Part I | Part II | Part III

It was like the strike of the match, catching the side of the box but not quite lighting, only just giving off a tiny spark. 

A/N: This is long asf and I apologize if its not very good... 

                                                              --Week 3--

Today of all days.

As if Jin wasn’t already running late, the weather decided to take a turn for the worst and now it was pissing down the rain.  Not that he spent a ridiculous amount of time on grooming, because lets be honest, even on his worst day he managed to look like he stumbled graciously off Gucci’s F/W runway show.  And never once has he been tired of it. But the last thing he needed was the possibility of this day even going south. He spent months researching and preparing for this presentation, it needed to go well, it needed to go smoothly… it didn’t need him in damp clothing and rain matted hair standing in front of roughly 500 students, who were all equally rich and snobby as one another, although by the way they acted you’d never suspect any of them would be on the same planet.

'He got his sweater wet… can you believe?  My mom almost cried when I let my vicuna sweater get one droplet of water on it… I just insisted that if it was as ruined as she said it was, she could buy me a new one.’

He rolled his eyes at the fictional conversation playing out in his head, one girl whispering to another. Besides, this sweater was just cashmere… not vicuna. As if they’d actually know the difference anyways.  Grabbing an umbrella, he looked in the decorative mirror next to his front door, admiring his perfect appearance before it had the chance to be ruined. He clutched his backpack to the front of his body, bracing himself as he traveled down the hallway, down the stairs, and out into this shit-show type weather.

Why did he have to choose to live ��close to the university, only in walking distance”.  The campus was large and spread out, and yes, he may be close to the buildings where his classes are, but his presentation wasn’t for his classes.  It was for much younger students.  He didn’t have much of a choice whether to present or not, and he kept a tight schedule due to working and school and wasn’t the type to break plans, especially when they came to academics.  Due to his major and his continuation onto med school, his internships and practicums and opportunities off campus came with the price of: spending all of his time working, most of the time that work being unpaid, having to pay to have the job, and also having to write countless papers on what he learned and have to share it with students within the university. 

 The study wasn’t even something that could be half-assed, which in all honesty, thats how he spent a lot of his time in his first few years of college. Blowing his way through classes to charm girls around him, and the other reason his parents weren’t so happy with: partying. This worked out well for Jin, because female professors were so caught up in his looks, and how calming his voice was, that he didn’t even have to try to ask for a later deadline. Even male professors had a thing for him.  Even if he turned in something late, it was above and beyond.  A lot more than professors were looking for, because it was much more than they could get out of the average student.

But Jin was never an average student anyways.  He was good looking, charming, and had the brains to match.  And he knew how to use each and every one of those things to get what he needed, when he needed it.  Not to say he wasn’t fair, or that he bribed people, because he really didn't have to do much. He was able to do it in a way where people couldn’t even ask themselves if he was just pulling some shit on them, because each person fell for him way too easily.

So when it came to the last year of his undergrad, he tried to put away the charms and really focus on what he needed to do to get into medical school, to get a nice scholarship and keep up that whole honors student facade without his parent’s relentless questioning about what he did over the weekend and just where he was last night and how many girls has it been now? It got tiring, and fast.  The change wasn’t fun but it was probably for the best. He went out less, studied more, did what he was supposed to do. Not that anyone really doubted him anyways.

But his latest study was still in progress, he’s only talking about the one he did before this one began, and how it will relate to this one and just where he’s wanting it to go.  This city is like a gigantic mess anyways, if theres anything worth doing here, its looking at the people around you, and definitely questioning their sanity. He’ll even be silently judging the students listening to his lecture today in the back of his mind, while they talk amongst themselves in loud whispers, about his appearance in some way.

Late, late late.  You chanted this word to yourself frantically as you grabbed your things, rushing to your appointment with your lawyer this week, the dreaded one of dividing up belongings. And of course, it just has to be raining.

You stood by the front door of your house, looking at a small table where you put things occasionally like mail, your keys, your purse... and of course. Umbrellas.  Either you were overlooking the thing in your frantic stress haze or it really wasn’t there.  And if it wasn’t there... then it would be in your car.  Which is great.  Because instead of just parking in the garage, you parked in your driveway. Which means you’ll have to run to your car in this monsoon without getting wet.  If only you could perform magic...

All you could even do was hope that your purse would do the job.

It worked well enough going out to your car, and going into your lawyer’s office required less walking time, which equals less time in the rain. You were dry save for the little bit of your shoulders and fronts of your jeans, and your purse was absolutely covered in water. You just had to hope that the leather (or faux leather whatever this even was) refused to absorb the crazy amount of water on it that way all of your old receipts and half used chapsticks could stay dry.  

As for the packets of divorce papers inside, you could care less. 

This meeting was ridiculous, if it was anything. All of your husband’s proposals were laughable. Every. Single. One.  Not really in the ‘this is silly’ kind of way but in the ‘what is your deal, are you 12?’ kind of way.  It was really a petty statement... and somehow strangely genius, and cruel. 

You were left to keep the house, the car, whatever was inside the house except his very own belongings, (as if you had any use for them anyways), and have a money allotment for his children obviously to help with their living expenses.  And you could’ve bargained for living money for you also, since you were used to a certain lifestyle at this point, but you barely cared. As long as he did something for your children.  But since he very blatantly refused to give you any money for yourself, without you even saying you wanted any to begin with, you were stuck to pay for the massive house you owned, the bills, the car, and anything else at all that you may need.

It was safe to say he had the money to replenish his losses, whether it be clothes or tv’s or a whole new house.  Probably even dinners and jewelry for his little twinkie. Definitely.  

That was the cruel part. He wanted his kids to live well of course, he loved them. He just wanted you to be miserable.  How could you even be happy? You were the one who wanted a divorce after all. He was the one who was ‘innocent’. And he was trying his hand a everything he could just to catch you off guard and make you seem unstable or unfit to be a single mom.  Trying to make you angry, trying to get you to yell at him, be late to pick up your kids, anything.  He was even trying to start fights over text just so he could have some evidence, but you’ve kept your cool this far.  And now that you were thinking about it, you looked at the clock as your heart dropped to the pit of your stomach. 

No... you thought, watching as the minute hand swung around closing in on the 30 minute mark. You needed to pick up your kids. Maybe you were starting to lose your cool, starting to slip up a little after being so consumed with paper work and thoughts so angering that your line of vision would get a little fuzzy, and you had to stop or your teeth would start grinding together.  You were close to becoming the you he wanted you to be.  

But the hand moved slow, and so did your lawyer, taking his sweet time.  He was only paid by the hour.  If you didn’t have kids you probably would’ve gotten a cheap lawyer who wold have this whole ordeal done and over with in the first meeting, but you needed the best for your kids.  And you needed someone willing to go into great detail and make sure your husband wasn’t fucking you over anymore than he already did. So the guy moved slow. You were barely even through the cars part when you started to feel like you needed to just escape your body and leave it here in this office and go pick up your kids. Your blood was creeping through your veins faster than a bullet and you just wanted to scream Hurry up!, but you couldn’t. You needed to keep your cool.

Jin sighed as he picked up soccer balls in the gymnasium connecting to the clubhouse.  Looking out the open door, it seemed that today’s rain was relentless.  Although practice had ended about 30 minutes ago, he hadn’t bothered to change back into his nicer clothes, he was still wearing joggers and a hoodie and a baseball cap, all complimentary in color. He figured that his cashmere needed a break.  Of course his mom would always buy him a new one just like every other kid in this city, but at this point he liked to do things on his own.  Take care of his clothes like an adult and buy his own cashmere when he fucks this one up for real.  As if he didn’t have a section just for cashmere sweaters in his closet.

You however, were outside fighting the rain, so focused on the ground, making sure not to hit any big puddles on your way or even trip.  Lately you’ve had quite the time with injuries, no matter how easily they could be avoided. Keeping your head down as to block the angled rain from smacking you right in the face, you tried to reach the clubhouse as quickly as possible.  Why is it so damn far from the parking lot?

You pulled the door open quickly, your hair sticking to your face, rain dripping down your cheeks and the bridge of your nose, your clothes sticking to your skin, but you didn’t care.  You scanned the lobby area of the building, moved to the locker rooms, to the side, opening doors and shutting them quickly, your cold, wet hands sliding over the door handles struggling to get them open and closed fast enough. Maybe in the kitchen? With each room, you searched with nothing to be found and your worry grew more severe. If they were going to be anywhere, they’d be in this building somewhere.

But there weren’t a lot of rooms.  Lobby area, changing rooms, kitchen, and the connecting gym.  So you ran to the gym, pushing the bar to open the metal door and swinging it open loudly.  Of course they would be in here right? Its raining out, they would be having indoor practice. They had to be in here.

Except they weren’t.

But someone was.  The closet room door was open, noise coming from inside, and you could see the shadow of someone moving around against the door propped open by a wooden wedge.  No matter who it was, they could tell you something, right? So you dashed in that direction, your wet and water filled shoes squeaking against the waxed wooden floors, your feet sliding around with little traction inside.

“Where are they?” You almost screamed at him, and he jumped slightly, turning to look at you from his position opposite the room, placing supplies back on their rightful shelves. He was clearly startled, but somehow still beautiful, shoulders raised on instinct, deep brown eyes wide as can be.

“Who?” He asked, placing the cones back on the shelves neatly where they belonged, and not where he had managed to put them when your presence surprised him.

“My sons!” You’re beginning to get angry.  What does he mean ‘who’? ‘Who’ else would there even be? What did he think you were there for? Grabbing some soccer balls just for fun? You stood in the doorway, your hands balled into fists, beginning to lose your strong composure almost as soon as it overcame you. Your eyebrows were furrowed in worry and your bottom lip was beginning to do that dreadful thing where it begged you to let out a sob.

“They got picked up?” The look of confusion was still plastered all over his beautiful face. You hated how calm he was about this, as if your kids not being here wasn’t his problem when you specifically remember him telling you that it would be okay if you were late sometimes, granting how busy your schedule was.

“Picked up?” Your voice was almost a whisper, squeaking at the last word. You could feel the tears brimming in your eyes, full of absolute fear. You always pick them up. You do. You always have. That was your job.  The mom to always be there on time, never late, only you.

“Yeah? Their dad picked them up, I believe.”

And then it hit you. Of course, he was picking them up.  It was part of the deal now, he got his time with them. They would be at his place tonight.  The fear faded away almost as quickly as it came and replaced itself with regret, and you started choking on your tears before they even really hit you.  This was so embarrassing! How could you even let yourself do this? You wanted to run away but suddenly you were aware at the lack of breath you had, probably from running everywhere and the thought that you had lost your children somewhere to some stranger.  Hiding your face in your hands the best you could, wishing that you could just disappear from this place, go back and try to not get stressed to the point where you forget what you’re even supposed to be doing today.  Your original daily plan didn’t include coming the the sports complex and breaking down in front a guy you let your thoughts drift off to in the evenings.

You heard to quiet scuff of shoes on the concrete coming in your direction, his smell drifting towards you, somehow calming you out of this state you were in, trying to hold back your tears then best you could, no matter how much you needed to get them out.

“Y/n,” he said softly, a hand gently touching your arm as if you calm you. “Are you okay?”

You groaned internally, lifting your face out of your hands enough that you could wipe away your tears with the edges of your sleeves as best as possible, hoping that no ugly mascara marks were anywhere on your cheeks, or smudged around your eyes now. But the jacket sleeves were wet, barely even making a difference at all. Sniffling a little then taking a deep breath, blinking back your next wave of tears, you prepared yourself to explain what just happened. You focused your eyes away from him, and out the closet door into the gym, studying the lines on the floors and the metal on the walls.

“I’m sorry.” You said with a groan, so embarrassed now you could feel your cheeks getting hot. “I just… I had to meet today with my lawyer and everything is just such a mess, I’ve been so stressed out I just completely forgot that he was picking them up.  I got so scared.  I should probably just go home.” You began to walk out the door but the hand that was rubbing your arm grabbed it and held you in place.

“Thats fine, but at least wait a couple minutes.  Let yourself calm down before you go back out. If its any consolation, I didn’t have that great of a day either.  That makes the two of us.” He squeezed your arm a little bit at the last sentence, a bright smile on his face. You laughed a little although you still had tears in your eyes.

“Really?” You noticed your mouth was moving slowly, and that your cheeks were practically frozen.  When did it get so cold in here? “What happened?” You sniffled again, your teeth beginning to chatter slightly, and Jin noticed.  

“I’ll tell you, but we need to do something about your clothes first.  Look, I just wore these for practice, I have my clothes from today in the changing room.  How about I change out of these and back into my regular clothes, and you can put these on so you don’t have to wear those anymore. Sound good?”

You managed to nod through the shivering, and you followed him out of the gym and back into the lobby area, toward the changing rooms. Standing outside the door waiting while he changed, you used this time to take a couple deep breaths and try to clear your mind.  How bad could this be? You spend some of your time just thinking about Jin as a distraction, so why can’t you just shake these bad feelings away? Why can’t you just calm down and be yourself in his presence without all this emotional bullshit following you and pulling you down?

“Here, they might be a little big.  I also found a bag you can put your wet clothes into.” He handed his clothes to you and the bag, and you gave him a smile. You sighed as you entered the changing room, closing the door slowly behind you. You laid his clothes down on the bench and began stripping off your own clothes, which at this point were making a desperate attempt to stay onto your goosebump ridden body. The air hitting your skin as you removed the layers and tossed them in the bag wasn’t helping either.  Before you knew it, you were standing in your bra and underwear, staring at his hoodie and pants, contemplating what to do.  The rain had practically soaked you to the bone, the padding on your bra taking it upon itself to soak up as much water as possible, and your underwear were clinging to you desperately, although they were only wet near the top, it would still be annoying to wear them.

‘It’ll be no big deal,’ you thought, stripping your underwear off and sliding on his joggers, tossing the wet fabric into the bag with the rest of your clothes.  Next came your bra, going into the bag as well.  You’ll just wash his stuff before you give it back to him.  And when you go back out there, just hide well enough inside his hoodie that he can’t see the lack of support around your boobs.  You picked up the pink fabric, sliding it over top of your head, the hood falling right into place on your head as you covered the rest of your torso.  God, what kind of cologne is this? It’s almost hypnotizing. You were so used to the stuff your husband used to wear that the new scent was almost intoxicating, and the fact that you were covered in it now was absolutely amazing. You grabbed ahold of the neck and pulled it up to your nose, taking in a big whiff, letting it into your lungs and allow it to fill your body as much as possible.  You wanted to live in this scent.  Hell, you could even die in it.

Having no choice but to slide your still soaked shoes on, you returned back to the lobby so he wouldn’t think you were having some serious issues changing. The shoes were sloshy and miserable, but there wasn’t much you could do about them at this point.

“How’s that? All better?” He was sitting on a bench across from the door, next to one of those word indoor plants.

“Much better.” You said with a nod. “Thank you so much.”

“It’s the least I could do. Now, where were we?” You sat down on the bench next to him, dropping your bag of wet clothes on the floor next to you. “I was going to tell you about my day.  Firstly, this rain is the worst. I think thats what started it for me.  I had to do this presentation for a class today, and it was pretty important and I really wanted to do well, but then I was running late, and I walked to it in the rain… and then I got there… and the presentation for the most part was alright I believe.  But I was a few minutes late which looks bad for me, and also I was a little wet from the rain, so my appearance probably wasn’t very good either.  Not to mention I walked over here also.”

“I’m sure you did fine.  Try not to worry about it. Would you like me to give you a ride back to your place?”

“Sure, that would be great. Unless its out of your way or something.” He protested slightly.

“No, Im sure its fine.  Actually… I really want to get these clothes back to you. We could… or— no— never mind.” You shook your head in embarrassment.  Where did you expect to go with that? Of course you need to get his clothes back to him, especially with no suspicion from anyone around.

“No, no. Go on.” He encouraged, wanting to know what you were going to say in the first place.

“I’m sorry I think it was a little inappropriate. I really shouldn’t.” You shook your head again.

“It will be fine, Im sure. We’re both adults. I don’t have anything to do this evening, so if you have things you need to do you won’t be keeping me.”

“Oh. No, I’m not busy either. In fact, since my kids aren’t home I don’t have anything to do at all. I thought maybe… You could come over, that way I can change and get your clothes back to you without any hassle.  And if you’re hungry I would buy you some dinner since you’ve been so kind to me lately.” You said shyly, turning our gaze from him to the ground. Are you insane? Inviting him over? Your slight nighttime fantasies are really getting then best of you aren’t they? But here you are again, adding some sense to the madness.  It wouldn’t be bad to invite him over, its harmless.  It’s innocent.  You want to give him his clothes back, and do something nice for him to show how grateful you are for treating you and your sons so nicely.

“That sounds great.” He flashed you that heart-stopping smile he has, and you began to feel content for the first time today.  “Let me grab my things, and we can get going."

He disappeared into the changing rooms once again, reappearing with a backpack slung over his arm and an umbrella.  He motioned to the door with his hand and you led the way, stopping on the small concrete patch right outside the door under an awning, somewhat still safe from the rain.

“Here, you hold onto my umbrella and try to stay dry okay?”

You took the large black umbrella from him, holding it high enough that it would cover both of you, and he trailed closely behind as you both started to walk, and you hoped that you were able to cover him from this ridiculous rainfall.

Your pace was a little quick, and being the gentleman that Jin is, he wanted to keep a safe distance as to not step on the heels of your shoes, so he was stuck with his head almost safely under the cover of the umbrella but his body oddly and uncomfortably out in the rain. Which by the way, was still acting ruthless.  Today’s sky was determined to supply your city with enough rain water to support all of California for about 5 years. 

Jin climbed into the passenger seat as you closed the umbrella hurriedly and plopped your body into the driver’s seat with a huff. Looking over at him you winced at the damage caused, the shoulders of his sweater thoroughly soaked, spreading happily down the rest of his torso as if it knew no boundaries. 

“Good thing I’m getting your clothes back to you, right?” You started the car as he laughed at your statement, and you drove off into this crazy rain the best you could. With headlights blaring and wipers at full speed, you drove slower than you normally would, due to the weather and of course, the precious cargo beside you. 

Jin tried wiping at the back of his neck with his sweater sleeve, in attempt to remove the water droplets hanging out there, but with no such luck.  Cashmere. He though to himself, half tempted to roll his eyes, but remembered almost no sweater on the face of the earth can actually absorb water to any extent. 

Jin really wasn’t phased by the size of your house much less the size plus the fact that you were now all alone in it, save for your kids. He examined all the walls surrounding him, half tempted to tell you that your house was charming, but decided not to. You looked frazzled enough as it is, a type of fear on your face that only a person breaking the rules would have, if they happened to care just as much. 

It was something he didn’t quite understand, the part of you with so much fear.  But it wasn’t really his place, unless you wanted to tell him. But you noticed the way you were acting, the way you were looking around the room, hesitant to do anything at all. 

“I’m sorry, you must be so uncomfortable. Let’s get you a towel, okay? C’mon.” You waved your hand in the direction of your bedroom shaking off the ridiculous feeling, and he followed you until you reached the small closet in your bathroom where you kept all of your bath towels and some other miscellaneous items. 

Pulling on a towel that was basically stuffed into the shelf space in an uncomfortable way, you caused what could only be described as a towel avalanche.  The second the first towel started to fall off the shelf, Jin rushed to your side to grab as many as he could as you held your hands in front of your face to ward off being covered completely in terry cloth. 

You couldn’t help but to laugh, it was embarrassing but it was also really funny to you that both of you were being attacked by a shelf full of poorly organized towels. You were soon on your knees, picking up the towels and folding them the best you could, and Jin helped also. You were both laughing at this point because this was such a mess, this whole day was such as mess, but your cheeks were burning.  This could’ve been easily avoided, if you would’ve just took the time to actually roll the towels up and stack them like you normally did.

Biting at your lower lip, you folded a towel and placed it on the pile in front of you just as Jin was, your hands touching briefly before both pulling back in apology. You giggled at this small mishap too, and looked over to him as he waited for you to put your towel on the pile.  He was smiling slightly, that little smirk that was sweet, playful... and then it faded. And yours did too.  You didn’t know why, or how it happened, maybe it was just being so close to him for once. 

But his eyes left yours and glanced down at your lips, and you couldn’t help but to stare at his since the moment his smile deserted them. It was so quiet, all you could hear was your own ragged breath, your heart beating in your ears. 

He leaned in slowly, but with confidence, and your body followed his actions without even asking your brain first if it was all okay. It was the same type of rush you get when you’re about to head down a hill full speed on a rollercoaster, terrifying but exciting, your stomach floating in midair, consumed by angry, burning butterflies anticipating what was to come. 

It was soft, the touch of his full lips to yours, perfect placement, feeling his top lip in-between yours and his bottom lip catching the area where your own bottom lip ended. This feeling was something that you hadn’t had in a long time, that feeling when something is brand new, and you’re excited for what will happen and where it all will go, and its refreshing, and cool, and makes you happy to see another day, and just live in this moment. 

If only you could just live in this moment.

But you pulled away quickly, probably too soon, panicked and a little ashamed. Jin barely had a look of regret on his face, it was there, but just a dash. Mixed in with a few other things, like the simple joy he always radiated and maybe an ounce of affection. It was just a kiss of course, something you’ve always considered to be innocent, it could mean everything or just a little.  Either way it only held that importance to those who were doing it, whether they reciprocated the feeling or not.  A kiss is a kiss.  So why are you afraid? 

There was no silent apology floating in the air, somehow you both knew that it may have been a little out of boundaries, but still fine. You couldn’t be angry at him, its almost like he’s been reading your thoughts. And who knows when he realized himself how bad he wanted to kiss you, how much he thought you deserved the satisfaction and the warmth a kiss brought.

You swallowed thickly, somehow your mouth dry now as you folded towels in silence, almost done withe the unwanted task. Standing again, you looked down at the floor, scratching at the back of your head a little bit to act as if nothing had just happened between you, although you were feeling the aftermath of that simple kiss pretty strongly throughout your entire body.  It was like the strike of the match, catching the side of the box but not quite lighting, only just giving off a tiny spark. 

“If you’d like, since you’re here, I could wash your clothes for you so they don’t have to lay around soaked in rain water. It’s not really good for them.” You offered, wanting to move forward with your night as quickly as possible, far away from that amazing... kiss... You watched as his plump pink lips formed a smile once again, something so charming that never failed to make your heart jump a thousand feet in the air every time he sent it your way. 

“That would be really nice of you, if it isn’t too much trouble.  I think my sweater is the worst part, my pants are probably okay. They didn’t get that wet, and I’m not that worried about them honestly. They’ll survive either way.” 

He pulled at the neck of his sweater, lifting the soft fabric over his head as you watched with wide eyes, that match striking the box again, begging to just ignite. His tan broad shoulders where finally exposed, and he tilted his head to the side to study your expression as his slid the sleeves off his arms. The kiss can mean little, or it can mean everything. The kiss was the strike, you the match, him the box, waiting for you to catch on. 

When your teeth tugged at the soft skin of your lower lip he knew he had gotten you, but he also knew that you had gotten him too.  Sweater in hand, he reached out to hand it to you, and you walked forward as if to take it, but bypassed it completely, your hands tangling in the hair at the back of his head as you pulled him into a kiss, his full lips inviting, warm, and everything you had previously imagined them to be. 

It was crazy how much you wanted this, how much you had thought about it in your wine drenched mind, every movement soaked in a deep red liquid. But this was different, it was the bright light of your bathroom, his hands dropping the sweater and wrapping around your waist to lead you backwards into the warm, intimate lighting of your bedroom. His lips working against yours with expertise, wanting you to just give in, to steer you away from the ‘this is so bad’ mentality that you were currently living in. Because you knew it wasn’t, you were single, you husband had freely done this type of thing even when you were still married.  

If only you could just coax your entire being into just letting this whole thing happen... because his scent was beginning to take up every available thought in your mind, swallow them up and consume them so that all you could even think about was him and how he smelled, how he felt, how he looked, how his lips tasted. 

His skin was firm, warm, soft, running your hands over his bare chest as if you were feeling the finest velvet in a fabric store. You couldn’t even decide where you wanted your hands on him, there were so many places to touch, to explore that your hands could now maneuver when only your mind used to be able to. His chest, back up to his neck, into the still damp hair at the nape of his neck. You wanted to pull on it, to see what would happen if you did, but you refrained. 

This was messy.  Even if you felt like it was a mistake it was so good that you couldn’t even bring yourself to consider it. His tongue was to against your own, it was sloppy, it was deep, pushing far, caressing yours gently but harshly. Everything was done with a type of seriousness that made you feel like it was the realest thing you’ve ever had in your whole life.  It was just so raw, the gasps leaving your mouth as his teeth tugged at your lip, your neck, your jaw, everywhere he could even get his mouth was not safe from his lips or his tongue or his teeth grazing it. It was sickeningly sweet. Painful, but sweet.  Like he wanted to treat you roughly but only in the right way that was sugarcoated twice over.

You barely even wanted to try, in fact he physically made it clear a few times that he was the one running the show.  He let you tug on his hair, groan his name softly, touch him anywhere you could get your hands on, but tonight was not going to be run by you.  And it wasn’t something that even made you feel bad, he wasn’t being greedy, it was done with a type of gentleness that made it feel like he just wanted to take care of you, that he was doing all the work, but it was all for you.

And that was fine by you.  Because everything he was doing at this point was damn good.

All the gasps, the heaving breathing, everything between the two of you was causing an intense heat, whether it just be the excitement or just the fact that this was literally so hot, you needed to get out of his sweats, and fast. The flame was now burning deep red.

Whatever you needed, Jin felt it too.  He began a kiss that was insanely slow, and painfully deep, as his hands reaching underneath the hoodie you were wearing, lifting the bottom hem lazily, exposing your skin one swipe of his tongue at a time. He only pulled away long enough to release you completely from the thick cotton fabric, a whiff of his cologne embracing you once again, before fading away as quickly as it came. Being apart even for that split second felt like a million years too long. However, he took his time taking in the sight, tossing his hoodie onto your wooden floor, eyes scanning your chest, honest and satisfied.

His lips pulled into a smirk, a sultry play on what would be his usual smile. He moved to place his lips on yours again, a hand placed on the back on your head, tangled within a few strands of almost dried hair. You might’ve been angry at the slight pull it caused, your hair still having not completely dried, and being matted with rain water with little defense.  You kinda embraced the pain, though a wince may have appeared across your brow for a millisecond.  In turn you moaned into his mouth, and he took that as a sign to move even further.

He sat with his legs outstretched as far as they could be in his position, holding onto your thigh and waist as he pulled you across his legs, so you were then straddling his thighs. From this angle he was able to look at you through hooded eyes, through his eye lashes, and you down at him, holding each side of his perfect face with both of your hands.  His arms wrapped around you tightly, and held you close enough that your breasts were brushing the chiseled edges of his collarbones. 

He let out a small laugh in a single breath at the feeling, and all you could do was smile.  He leaned in only slightly, pressing his lips to yours gently, teasingly, then nipping at your lower lip with his own.  You had never had such amazing time with someone, and all you’ve even done was kiss.  Jin felt lucky, he loved this angle of any woman, but for someone reason it was perfect for you in particular, he felt. In a way, he was lifting you up, on some sort of metaphorical pedestal, holding you high and treating you to kisses across your skin, your neck down to your shoulder, your collarbones, the tops of your breasts. Sucking on the skin and soothing it with his tongue, you tilted your head back to enjoy the feeling, maybe a little too much.  But who’s to say what the right amount is? Especially if they weren’t here experiencing this moment themselves. 

His lips found their way back up your neck, his hands wandering ever so low, dipping underneath the band of his sweats you still had on. You knowing that in your pantiless state you probably have a wonderful wet spot inside because his lips were driving you insane, specifically when they reached that spot a little below your jaw, behind your ear.  When you gasped, he took it as another hint to keep going.  His fingers hooked on the band of the joggers, pulling them as far off your ass as possible with you sitting on his lap. 

He dug is fingers into your skin, grabbing handfuls of your ass then soothing them other gently with the tips of his fingers. Your own hands ran through his blonde locks, from the crown of his head to the nape of his neck,  tugging on the hair, nails gently scraping against his scalp as you breathed into his mouth, wanting to kiss him until you couldn’t breathe, but you resisted the feeling, curious of what he planned to do next.

When his fingers gripped onto you this time, you couldn’t help but to move in the same direction of his hands, your hips moving back slightly, causing a brief but delicious friction against the dress pants he had on.  You could barely even tell, either his willpower was amazing, or you just couldn’t feel anything through all the layers, but you were sure it was just thanks to the bunched up zipper you were able to feel that. 

Also, why does he still have his pants on anyways?

Deciding to take initiative-- just for a second-- you slid back on his legs far enough that you had comfortable access to his button and zipper, trying to calm your nerves for long enough to undo them, but it seemed impossible. Acknowledging your struggle without a word, Jin picked both your hands up and kissed them, placing them back onto your lap as he freed himself from underneath your body. 

He faced you as he stood up off the bed, taking his pants off with ease. He kicked them off his feet, then towards the area where he had managed to throw his hoodie earlier. As you took in the sight, he looked at your curiously, pondering what to do next.  Cocking his head to the side, he stuck his fingers underneath the band of his underwear, testing your reaction before proceeding to remove them. 

He wanted to take things slowly, so he stopped.  You both needed to be in an equal state. 

You looked at each other in a state of awe.  

You didn’t want to stare, but you couldn’t help it.  You had never wanted to wrap your lips around someone so fiercely in all your life. That being, you had only really been with your husband before, and you never much took a liking to sucking someone off at all.  But with this, you were so tempted, just to try it. Its possible that you were becoming a little too mesmerized by it because Jin leaned into you, a finger under your chin to pull your lips up to his. 

“Maybe next time.” He said against them, his voice deep as the Pacific and sweeter than fucking honey. 

You both kept your lips at the same distance, but he kept moving forward, forcing you to lay back onto your satin sheets.  They were cool and welcoming against your hot skin, but Jin’s hands made their way onto your body, causing another wave of goosebumps. 

His hands worked smoothly on the skin of your stomach, each touch being followed by a kiss downwards until he reached the area where your leg and torso meet.  At that point he slowed, looking up at you with curious eyes.  

He kissed down your thigh until he was at equal level  in between your legs, exactly where he wanted to be.  Jin really was one for foreplay, he felt like it was necessary to have a really good time. And he was always one for oral because it was really pleasing for either person. 

Just one soft lick up your entire core had your toes curling because God, its been so long since anyone has done that at all. And Jin knew it was really about finding the perfect rhythm for each girl, and thats what he was about to do. 

His breath was hot against your skin, another good reason for goosebumps to raise on your skin again.  He turned his head to kiss at your thighs and you giggled, his hair tickling across the skin of the opposite one.  You could feel his lips curl into a smile at hearing your laughter, and then he was back at your core again, lips brushing gently at your clit making you want to squeeze your thighs tightly shut in anticipation. 

What he did next was cruel, wrapping his full lips around your clit to suck so softly... and then to tease at your entrance with his tongue so gently before licking slowly back up to your clit again. It was exactly what you needed and you didn’t even know. 

And he had you so entranced, so immersed in the feeling that it all seemed like an actual dream.  Like maybe you really were just dreaming because this unbelievably good, and so quickly.  Maybe it was due to the fact that you had only really been with one person and so used to just one style... A style that was outdated and boring and unable to change or fit what you may really need. 

But there was not faking in this, there was no pretending to be close because you seriously were. Each hot breath, each soft kiss in between his tongue ??? and there was nothing else in this room beside you and him. There was nothing else in this world besides you and him.

Before you even knew it was almost there, and you realized your hands were tangled in his blond locks, tugging on the strands to bring him closer as if to intensify the feeling.  He got the picture, and he wasn’t going to keep you waiting.  But his lips left, and what was replaced by them was just a tip of his finger and you let out a small noise of disapproval. He rubbed in a circle a few times before sliding it down, now rubbing around your entrance before slipping slowly inside.

Then they were back, his lips back on your clit, sucking it into his mouth, his tongue working quickly at it as his finger was moving slowly in and out of you. It was so amazing, digging your toes into your mattress letting the whole feeling consume you.  It really almost felt like too much, until it curled his finger upwards, and everything came spilling out at once. 

Now the world only consisted of you and him and the sound of your heaving breathing and moans, and everything really truly felt like heaven. He let his tongue move slowly as you rode the high out until you absolutely couldn’t stand it anymore, then he pulled away, kissing at your thighs until he was at your knees. 

You thought that maybe you might be dead, because your body felt weighted down so harshly and kinda tired, but you were alive somehow.  You just guessed thats what a real orgasm could do to you. The weight on the bed shifted as Jin climbed over you, looking down at your face curiously. 

“Mmm, you okay?” It felt like it took all the strength in your body to laugh at his words, you probably looked like an absolute mess.  “You wanna scoot back, lay on some pillows?”

You nodded and crawled backwards, falling heavily back onto your pile of pillows at the head of your bed.  God you felt exhausted already, but looking down at Jin crawling towards you on the mattress, dick bobbing with each movement, you suddenly felt so energized.  It looked like it hurt, like it was little throbbing, you had no idea how he could go so long without anyone touching him at all. 

The smile on his face was alluring, drawing you in.  You leaned forward to pull him into you, crashing your lips against his, tasting yourself all over his mouth.  He seemed to be just as impatient, spreading you legs apart with one hand as he propped the other against the headboard behind you to steady himself. 

You were still kissing him passionately, tongues clashing, trying not to hit your teeth on his, but you couldn’t get close enough to him it felt like.  The hand that was on your thigh was now rubbing over his dick, scooting himself closer to you so that he could rub the tip over the wet mess that he had created between your legs. 

You  smiled with a moan into his mouth and he took it as sign to keep going, that this was what you liked, what you wanted.  So he eased into you little by little, both of you sighing sweetly at the feeling.  Your mouths wanted to stay right where they were, at least for now. 

His thrusts were slow, really making you feel everything he was doing, 

It wasn’t quick, and it wasn’t uncomfortable.  It was nothing like you ever really experienced before. You were used to it being a little quick, a little distant; not this close, not this personal, and not this sensual.  It really felt like you were in a movie, the type where the camera lens should be fogging up, hot and heavy breathing everywhere only interrupted by a sweet moan on either end. 

And it wasn’t desperate, although you were afraid you may be too grabby and too needy, wanting the full pleasure as quickly as possible, wanting to hold him tight and not let him escape.  It really felt like you had all the time in the world, that you could seriously do this all night long and you considered that a real possibility but he really knew what he was doing. 

You really could’ve settled for him eating you out, of course you could’ve because it was fulfilling, draining almost, in the most perfect way. It was the exact type of release you needed through every sexual encounter you have ever had. That one thing you didn’t even know really existed. 

You really couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like to be on the other end of this, to be the one on top of him, what his face would look like then, what he would sound like.  Because right now he was the most beautiful yet, eyebrows furrowed in focus, raising slightly when something felt particularly good. 

At least you had time to enjoy all this.  He was building you up perfectly, moving in every right direction and pushing you closer and closer until it was almost unbearable.  Having things fast was fine, and it was really fun sometimes but it never really took you anywhere unless it was able to last for any amount of time, and lets face it, thats not a reality.

He knew well, that after having his mouth in-between your legs you’d still in some way be worked up and sensitive to anything at all. It worked out well for him in the past with various girls, and he always knew that it was a sure start to making them come this way too. And you really were no different. 

God he had you so agonizingly close... He leaned down, pressing his lips to yours, both  of you breathing so heavily into it you felt like you might suffocate, and you didn’t mind dying this way.  But being this close gave him the right kind of leverage to thrust into that one place he sought out with his finger before. 

His lips moved to your neck, that one place right below your ear and you could even hear in his breathing that he was struggling to hold on himself. He wouldn’t let it show, but the feeling was driving him insane.  He was used to doing all of this.  Not as often anymore, but he knew how good he was. And he knew how to change it up, and some girls were really, really good. 

But you really had him right in this place he wasn’t used to being in.  And it was unrealistic, and so wild, and you knew it.  No one ever came loose at the same time, no one ever really got there on the same level unless they were absolutely used to faking it (which you used to do). But none of this was real to you, how could it be? It was too amazing.

It all happened just like that.  That one spot, and your eyes widened as far as they could, and his screwed shut, his face still in the crook of your neck, feeling your clench around him in what felt like waves as you came undone beneath him.  He tried moving as steadily as possible, letting you both finish so solidly and thoroughly but it was hard.  And strange. It just wasn’t something that happens. 

Both of you were completely spent, unsure of what even to do now except lay there together trying to catch your breaths. It wasn’t really Jin’s style, he liked to finish it all strongly, a few more kisses like he really meant it all, then work on cleaning it all up so that they could have a good nights rest after the evenings activities. 

He forced himself to kiss your neck, now salty with sweat, and you laughed at the soft but ticklish sensation.  His lips kissed their way across your jaw until they reached your lips, kissing you so deeply that you thought you might pass out. When he broke away he smiled at you, that same heart stopping smile that got you here in the first place. 

You both made an uncomfortable groan as he pulled out of you, that empty usual feeling returning, and he disappeared into your bathroom to get a towel to clean both of you up. 

He dipped back down in between your legs, wiping at the mess with a damp towel which was so oddly sweet, you had never had anyone take care of you like this before.  Your heart ached a little. When he was sure you were clean, he tossed the towel onto the floor, and you reached for him to pull him beside you, crawling underneath the covers and taking him with you. 

You sheepishly covered your face with the comforter, really feeling so happy in this moment that you wanted to hide your smile, the look in your eyes.  He hummed at the sight, knowing what it meant.  He felt something strange too, looking at you before, looking at you now.  You had no idea what to do now... usually you would shake the whole evening off as if nothing out of the ordinary happened but this was not one of those times. 

As tired as you both were, you had the whole night to get to know each other more. That exactly what you were going to use it for. 

You felt at home.  For the first time in a long time.  It was strange to you because you didn’t really know Jin that well, just a few things, but he made a point to be in your life, whatever his real reasoning was.  And he was interested in you, obviously.  So for things to really be panning out this way, you just wanted to smile and scream and jump around like a giddy teenager when the boy she likes finally likes her back. 

It was a good feeling.  To have someone so close, so nice.  Someone that you could be with so passionately, then talk to so comfortably for as long as you wanted about absolutely anything.  It almost seemed too good to be true. 

Jin watched you as your breathing slowed, steadied itself as you began to drift off.  He wasn’t that interested in sleeping at the moment. Usually he would go right to bed afterwards, but things here weren’t like things with college girls. Even if what you needed was a fling, to have some fun, (and he considered that greatly because it would be the best case scenario, just a rebound) but he liked you.  And he cared.  It was different because you were older, you had been married already, you had kids.  You weren’t exactly someone who could be flung. 

You were someone who needed care, and solidarity, and actual love.  You were deserving of romance, and kindness, and most importantly just someone who wanted to treat you well and would follow through.  This type of thought is what Jin was stuck on, because he wasn’t really set on anything until tonight.

And he wasn’t quite sure what it was. He knew that he could treat women well, in many ways. And he’s never really had a bad experience in that area, because he is just that right amount of charming to save him from anything. Tonight though, was phenomenal, if that word would even cover it.  He had never felt so close to anyone in his life, and he was wholesome, and refreshing. Just that feeling you want all the time. 

Now that he’s found it, what is he supposed to do? 

[peleth]

god...i played eso a lot today. my guild had a trial run for nMoL and because it was like 8 of the people in the group’s first time, we didn’t finish it because our healers got tired after going at the last boss for a fucking hour. it sucked, because on our last try we got into the 60-second-to-execute phase and were at 4% of his health and we wiped. fucking hell. we were in the trial for 3 hours. THREE. HOURS. to be fair we were almost all new, a lot of people had to pee, the trial leader was late and also inebriated, and people kept getting disconnected so it was a mess

and i tried to grind my new character and intended tank but got like 7 levels from dolmens with psijic ambrosia which was shit and then i struggled to get training gear together and that took forever but it’s done and tomorrow i’m going to try and grind somewhere else like maelstrom or skyreach because dolmens are fucking annoying and 3k per dolmen and 3 dolmens per ~10 minutes is not enough to do shit because the ambrosia is just 30 mins. i dont wanna pay for someone to carry me through skyreach though. im also too scared to try and do a dungeon because i’ve never tanked on an MMO and if i don’t know what i’m doing it’ll be bad and i’m only 21 and usually only see ppl doing dungeons around lvl27 minimum but i SUPPOSE i can ask some guildies to accompany me on a nFG1 and see what happens

i soooo should have fucking grinded. during the new year event like i told myself i needed to EVERY DAY FOR TWO WEEKS OF THE EVENT (or was it three weeks? idr) but was enjoying the massive amounts of gold i was making on my dps instead of grinding. it would have been so easy. the exp buff from the even plus from ambrosia would have boosted me to CP in a few hours. i hate myself

i need to go to bed but ive been procrastinating on sleeping lately which is stupid as shit because i went down on my wellbutrin and thus any energy i had has vanished so im back to sleeping 12+ hours, usually. but at least my anxiety went down....?  i also need to schedule a psychiatrist appointment. finding a new one is gonna suck and i HAVE to do it within the next two weeks because im down to my last refills. and i also also need to accept student loans and pay for my summer and fall classes but i don’t know how much i need for fall and its the weekend so i cant schedule a financial aid appt and when i do it’ll probably be too late to do anything about it, but i don’t want to accept it all because that’s stupid. oh and my first class starts on my two weeks post-op surgery appointment so that might need to be rescheduled..eeeeeeeeeeeeeeee please someone turn me into a 15 yr old again i dont want to be an adult

[bsides-of-roygbiv]

The Chapstick Manifesto

The Chapstick Manifesto:

I. UNDERSTAND

There is a trifecta that you must understand. This trifecta is the thread which keeps the delicate fibers of my life held together. I am constantly very concerned about the usage of all of my matter. Flying down hills, 64 degrees, a little chill in the air, blood dripping down my legs I am concerned. I am concerned about my matter, I always have been and I always will be, and that is what you need to know. You need to know that this trifecta I speak about gives my matter a purpose. This trifecta must be described in two ways. First, the location of it. Second the substance of it. First: Bathroom, Backpack, Car. Second: Chapstick. Yes, chapstick. Fucking chapstick, this is what I am speaking of. Ask yourself, please, interrogate your deepest thoughts and the darkest places of your inner being—what is your relationship with chapstick? When do you want it—no. When do you need it? Ponder, please. Go take a hike, sit on the edge of a river and watch your reflection in the moving water and for the love of fucking god ASK yourself—What does chapstick mean to you? Now, this is no joke, or another petty attempt at quirky humor, the seriousness of this query can only be understood through deep and aggressive contemplation. Please, go do yourself a favor and try to understand this. I can not explain it to you, I can not. No matter how hard you press me for an explanation or some insight to the meaning of buttery smooth lips, I will never ever be able to convey the gravity. Yes, gravity. Like the thing that holds me down onto the floor in the middle of the night, or ensures that I hit the ground when I jump (should i jump?)—gravity. Now, GO UNDERSTAND. Understand.

II. DISPLACEMENT (not quite)

I had not realized the importance of this trifecta until the displacement happened. Winter time, my heater did not aptly warm my body, but what else is new this is living and this is living at 19 and maybe this is living always. No matter, I went into my bathroom. I shoved a toothbrush in my mouth and I did the thing you’re supposed to do once you shove a toothbrush in your mouth. I yanked the tooth brush out of my mouth and spit all of my fears and confusions down the drain (goodbye, ciao, adios, seeyaaaa) and my lips felt dry. Yes, they felt dry and that is the whole goddamned point of this—there was a lacking. A lacking. If you’ve lived on this planet long enough to read this, you know what lack is. Think about lack, think about your own lack, where do you lack, when do you lack, what do you lack?  How it presents itself on sunny Sundays through blinds (long shadows), or how it literally transpires with the sweat pouring out of your palms as you ask yourself, “What the fuck does this actually mean?” (I’m nervous and I like you). If you haven’t lived with any lack then you must be less than human, and you must promptly go run away into the forest and never come out ever again because you are not fit to be categorized as human. Anyways, I digress….there was a lack…a lack of moisture on my lips. Before I launch into the event that followed this lacking, I must explain something incredibly important.

III.TRIFECTA

I have created this golden trifecta myself. Truly, it is one of the only safety nets in my whole life.  Yes, I have done it by my own accord, and it is one of the only things I have successfully done by my own accord (i’m not a self starter, I have problems starting by myself, I have problems, I just do)  So, politely read the following carefully and UNDERSTAND.

The chapstick in my car is in a circular tin—pineapple flavored, brought back from Hawaii by my best friend in the whole universe my senior year of High School. Almost three years later, it remains in my car, almost finished. Countless fingers have prodded it’s surface, seeking moisture and comfort. Anyone that fucking knows me knows that my I am constant. I am loud and I am constant. I am constant and so is the goddamn chapstick in my car. Car chapstick is important and should never be taken out of my car. Ever. Don’t fucking touch it. The chapstick in my backpack is a twist tube of some hippy organic coconut shit my mom gave my before I left for school again this summer. She got it from the bougie health food market around the corner from our old house before she broke up her with poor, poor, poor boyfriend, Aaron Marinari (bless his soul).  Out of all three chapsticks I own, I am the least attached to this one. This statement is not meant to undermine it’s importance. To undermine the importance of any third of the trifecta would be to undermine the importance and holy sacredness of the trifecta as a whole. Backpack chapstick is important and should never be taken out of my car. Ever. Don’t fucking touch it. Bathroom chapstick is another twist tube—carrot ginger from my Father. He pulled it out of the farthest left top drawer of his sparkling white kitchen that makes me feel cold. Listen to me, my Father is a chapstick fanatic. A FANATIC. Burts Bees—only and fucking always in the front pockets of his expensive designer jeans he tailors to fit his legs perfectly. The length of these jeans is incredibly important. Understand this. His pocket chapstick is incredibly important. Understand this. Bathroom chapstick from my Father is applied only in the mornings and in the evenings, but then almost always promptly wiped off because it makes my lips look fucked up and I’m scared people will think I look weird. (There are always reminiscent traces and that is what matters)  My best friend Olivia talks shit about the flavor of my bathroom chapstick, I think the insults add to it’s holiness. Olivia talks shit about a lot of things but then uses them anyways. It’s just how she is. Understand this. Bathroom chapstick is important ad should never be taken out of my bathroom. Ever. Don’t fucking touch it (understand all of this).

The trifecta has been explained. Absorb this. Do not read the next part of this until you can begin to grapple with the level of importance this trifecta has in my life. Go watch the sunset at the edge of the earth or take a burning hot shower with the lights off and repeat to yourself:

Bathroom

Backpack

Car

Chapstick

Bathroom

Backpack

Car

Chapstick

Bathroom

Backpack

Bathroom

Car

Chapstick

Interrogate the significance of each third of the trifecta equally. Do it with a heavy heart and a furrowed brow. Then run into the wind, leaving everything you’ve ever known behind you and understand this. Understand this. The trifecta. Bathroom. Backpack. Car.

IV. Displacement (continued)

A lack of moisture on my lips there was on this winter evening. Cold tile on my feet, so much lack in my body, in my mind, in my house—it was everywhere. Only my lips, the lacking was there, staring back at me in the mirror (I saw it, I swear). This lacking was correctable. Lack must be corrected if possible, but only ever if possible. There can be no in-betweens, no middle ground. Nothing else. Correct the lack if you can. I reached, yes I reached, right arm extended, left hand at my side (my glasses were definitely on my face), I reached into my medicine cabinet searching for the comfort and security of bathroom chapstick, but it was not there. It was not there, it was not there, it was not there, it was not there, and it had never before occurred to me in my whole life to consider the fragility of my own trifecta. This fragility, had never crossed my mind, never danced along the pink crevices housed by my skull—NEVER. Nobody will ever even begin to understand the magnitude of stress that occurred inside of me due to the displacement of bathroom chapstick. Inner turmoil, destruction, apocalypse—DISPLACEMENT. What followed is irrelevant. It is irrelevant, don’t ask me what happened afterwards because it ceases to matter. The following events will be forever buried deep within my brain inside of a folder labeled, “wintertimebathroomchapstickdisplacementaftermath” that NOBODY will EVER be able to access. Like the weird shit we all do when we come home a little bit drunk on the weekends, when nobody is in the house, in the privacy of our own bedrooms—we do these things, we do them and we know that we will never tell ANYBODY. End point, don’t fucking ask me what happened after my trifecta was destroyed, it doesn’t matter and it never will. The point is that the substance to which a fair amount of my matter had been substantiated on was destroyed. Ripped out from under me. Carelessly, quickly, and slowly at the same time. Like completing 368 degree rotations in front of heaters on top of carpets; winter time deviancy, so slow, so incomplete…I'm whirling, I’m whirling, I’m whirling. Destruction of the trifecta. Destruction. (Understand this, understand my magnitude, understand my depth).

V. Conclusion

Understand the fragility of your own trifecta. Understand when you’re running into the woods in the middle of the night, whether it’s in your mind or if your bare feet are actually hitting wet Earth, just please understand. Look into the eyes of the person you love (there is someone), think about your matter, think about your fibers and all of your threads (they are different), compare them to the ocean, compare them to your hands and your feet, try to understand your own trifecta. Remind yourself—Bathroom, Backpack, Car chapstick. Remind yourself—Bathroom, Backpack, Car chapstick. Without the comprehension of this delicate fragility your existence is rendered to the smallness and disgust associated with ruined trifectas in the wintertime. The displacement meant everything and it meant nothing all at the same time. The displacement meant something and that is what mattered, disappearing though thick and thin air—displacement occurred and left. Occuring in the wintertime, in shared bathrooms, cold floors, sweaty hands (because of her), jumpy heartbeats (because of her)—the destruction of trifectas (oh, how it fucking hurt). Understand

Don’t touch my fucking chapstick or I’ll kill you.

End. (Go home)