#to be clear: oh I hate defending the US online. fuck the US. but also take that enormous police baton out of your puckered up assholes plea

[allgremlinart]

sometimes I see vids of US highschools find their way to twitter and Europeans are like "you dress like this in public/to school??🤢 have some pride" and look there's a lot of things u can shame the US for but kids dressing comfy is not one of them lmao. because its giving jealous. how are you not jealous. I think you're jealous. "uniforms should be mandatory" it's socially acceptable to show up to school in sweatpants and slides and bonnets and you want us to change that to fuckin. mandatory khakis??? and you think that'd make kids happier??? whatever you say pal....

[bisluthq]

oh come on nat, it’s known taylor is petty and vindictive when she wants to be. that’s one of her core character flaws even if we love her. yes, grown people should know better and shouldn’t have to have taylor tell them off to realize they’re psychos, but at this point what she does doesn’t exist in a vacuum away from Swifties’ behaviour. even if she didn’t intend to fuel the theories with the playlists, she’s said nothing to disabuse fans of the notion that they’re defending her by doing the absolute most with her exes. If she’s online enough to respond to this theory in the first place, she’ll know about the abuse directed at Joe. Regardless of whatever feelings she may have towards him as an ex, I wouldn’t want that on my conscience. She more than anyone knows what it’s like to be on the receiving end of that online abuse when you feel like there’s a power imbalance. Putting some of the songs she did on the playlist are deliberately provocative. They’re not songs from other artists that influenced her when she was writing the album, they’re not new song previews from the album, and it seems like she’s only responding to fan theories so it’s not as if the album content is related to these playlists anyway. These playlists tell us nothing about the album in reality. Just seems like a cheap way to fan the flames of speculation and hate directed at Joe.

… and Joe can cuss her out in his head all the way to the bank (I looked again and exile is also on one so u basically can’t go to a lil playlist without joe making some money) where he can withdraw a couple hundred quid at the ATM, turn around and go to the bottle store, invite some mates round, and fucking call her a right Royal cunt as we’re all entitled to call our exes lol.

I mean like… what do u want Taylor to do? Say “my ex, who I broke up with, is an amazing dude overall - just kinda a crappy bf towards the end - and ergo undeserving of all this hatred, leave him be”? Do you actually genuinely believe that’ll matter? Has it ever mattered to stans when celebs ask fans to chill tf out? Have Selenators and Beliebers ever learned to chill, even after being told to? Are we gonna pretend Swifties and Bey Hive members don’t regularly beef in really ugly ways even tho Bey and Taylor have made it abundantly clear they admire one another and are friendly? Like idk the internet’s a weird and often ugly place lol. If you don’t like that, be less online.

[chilipowder9]

Oh no I do understand fitting the "technical" definition, though as someone who has seen one too many people who I've seen as rational and "neutral" shippers start interacting with more open proshippers suddenly do things like: Defending lolicon in servers to young teens were venting about feeling sexualized by such media, claiming that there's nothing wrong with real life incest, sending NSFW audios, fics, etc. of minors' F/Os to them and generally acting overly suggestive when giving them imagines, validation, etc... Believe me, I've seen it all firsthand, and even almost went down the road myself, and I firmly believe no matter how anti-harrassment you are the open proship side of Tumblr is no good of a place to stay in. I've been silently keeping up with ship discourse for a while now and what I've been seeing has only been getting worse, and progressively more toxic; Even if proshipping was originally built on anti-harrassment, I guess that doesn't mean anything to the ones who have been occasionally sending me anon hate for not associating with them anymore. Not to mention, to people who do know these things associating with proshipping or using any dogwhistles is a major red flag, so unfortunately that leaves a lot of people with nowhere else to turn, and that's how they're dragged down a rabbit hole. That's honestly why I simply call myself an anti even if I prefer to let sleeping dogs lie.

To get to the point, no matter the original definitions of pro and antiship, we're at the point where it's more akin to "likes immoral pairings or maybe worse" and "is against immoral pairings and actions." It's a very slippery slope and I don't want to see a mutual who brightens my day go down it the same way many of my old ones did. I know it may not mean much from someone who is too introverted to come off anon, but I do care for the safety and wellbeing of the silly little people I interact with online and I did not want to hesitate on bringing to your attention something that I fear could be a threat to that.

With all that said, I do hope you can get something useful from this message. Have a great day/night/week/anything! 😊💜

I apologize sincerely for your past experiences, though my own are that antiproshippers sent me actual real child porn and compared an adult in anime who was canonically mature on top of "oh yeah she's 30" (not literally I don't think) and a character who was about the same age to actual real child porn

this was not the first nor last experience I had with an antiproshipper during my childhood, showing me such things to try to scare me away from proshipper spaces, and when I went to proshippers as a scared 12 year old kid who had no idea what was going on? they were like "oh fuck you're a kid uh Block Them" and never did I even hear a dick joke using the actual word dick in it.

I appreciate your concern, dearly, but it is very clear to me that liking a very gross ship doesn't make you evil or deserving of literally existing, and for the dozens of proshippers who protected me against actual predators online I will die on this hill

none of this is to disrespect your experience, if that is the hill you will die on I will not be the one to kill you, you are my moot and I love you (platonically, probably) and I promise you, if I knew the proshippers who sent you hate for just Not Liking That I would kill them personally

and never feel bad for being afraid, my friend, I promise you I would never attack unless you were truly harming others, even then I would try to reason with you first.

(also if a proshipper says anything about IRL incest/pedophilia/zoophilia being okay they're not a proshipper they're a predator and likely hiding behind the proship banner, ESP if talking to a minor)

[booasaur]

i always like to read your opinions so what you think about shelby x toni, we can see very clear that writers used every fucking romantic trope with them, and they are THE romantic couple, but when you think their feelings change or start? you think both were sexually attracted since minute 1? that despite allthat "hate" toni feel one of the reasons was because she cant handle to be attracted to a girl like shelby who is all the opposite of her? can not wait to see how their rel grows in s2.

Aw, thank you! Um, hmm. I’m actually so bad at these because, as I’ve said, after so many years of seeing subtext where it wasn’t written, I always underestimate when it canonically is there (and not wishful thinking) until it’s completely unavoidable. So normally I’d be like, oh, ep 7, but tbh, the way it was written...well, hmm.

First, it’s so different, right, from m/f crushes when your very approach to a dynamic is always knowing the possibility’s there (even when it turns out not to be, heh). So I think for Toni, an appreciation for Shelby’s objective hotness (because...come on) was completely drowned out by her dislike of what she saw Shelby as, as you said, a girl like that, and then that was just exacerbated by her jealousy over Martha. Anything more was never on the cards for her so she didn’t have to think deeper on it. And yeah, people can crush on their straight friends and popular kids and celebrities but that’s pretty different from a random stranger you’ve literally just met. I do think you’re not wrong, in that one of the things Toni resented Shelby for was that she found her so attractive, but at that point, that’d have been minor compared to her overall resentment.

For Shelby, despite her own conflicted feelings about sexuality and religion, the possibility was there from the start. She harbored no dislike of what Toni represented, and in fact, her resentment or jealousy would have been of Toni’s freedom and bravery, so she was freer to just...like her. She was of course irritated by Toni’s attitude once it manifested so aggressively against her but I think she was still curious and intrigued and the kind of person who, attraction or not, would have still wanted to win her over. A people-pleaser, compared to Toni’s very defensive hurt-people-before-they-hurt-you vibe.

And then as the days went on and Shelby kept on being so upbeat, I think Toni was impressed but it also made her angrier? As if it just confirmed everything she was thinking. But you know, it’s interesting, we all--me included--have talked and joked about the change in Toni’s attitude once the kiss happened, but rewatching, it was actually a little before, no? Like we were saying, Toni thought of Shelby more as an idea, the kind of person she seemed like, this privileged religious pretty Southern girl, who could afford to be positive about everything because why not, everything went her way. But when Leah publicly accused Shelby of being a mole, after days of Shelby silently sucking up not just Toni’s ire but everyone’s, because of the homophobia, Shelby pretty understandably snapped and then left with that parting remark directly at Toni, you could see the shock and shame and concern:

It’s like...you know how you could vent at parents or maybe other adults or people online because you thought it didn’t really affect them and then once they reacted, not in anger but in hurt, it was like, oh shit, they’re an actual person? I feel like this is that moment for Toni. Where she realizes that, fine, as justified as her reaction about the homophobia may have been, she’s been hating on Shelby for a while for a bunch of things that aren’t her fault. 

And then you can see, when she goes off to collect wood, I’m not even entirely surely it’s a coincidence that she finds Shelby, but she’s a lot nicer then than at any point before, making her own overtures and small talk. Enough for Shelby to reach out about the homophobia which Toni of course still firmly shut down, but not nearly as angrily as she might have on any other day. Seeing Shelby like that probably made her easier for a person like Toni to actually like, it changed the perceived perfection, that she had it all put together and felt nothing negative about herself. Toni was just so angry at all the various injustices committed against her and people like her, that a bit childishly, she was like, if you’re not outwardly suffering, you must have none of your own and are thus are someone who perpetuates them. And that mindset started to fall apart, more so when Shelby kissed her and she realized even the homophobia issue was soooo much more complex than she’d been thinking.

And of course her relatively mellow mood made Shelby all that much more talkative, rush to explain and defend herself. I think the arcs they went through, the pacing and how much they individually grew, and their place in the the plot, it was pretty perfect, that it had to culminate in that argument and desperate kiss in ep 7. I really like how the show handled them for the whole season and for sure, if they can continue to write for the characters as they have, I’m pretty excited to see what they’ll do in s2.

[robinrunsfiction]

can we get a sequel to the lonely road? maybe the reader deletes their Twitter account and the haters are tweeting how weak they are and such and gee steps in on Twitter and all his socials talking about it and how happy he is and that everyone putting the reader down wasn't truly a fan because they weren't respecting her and how happy she made him? just gee stepping in and defending the reader

The Lonely Road Part 2 - Home Again

Pairing: Gerard Way x Female ReaderRating: Teen (for online bullying)Requested By: Three separate anonsWord Count: ~1,500Author’s Note: Holy smokes guys! Three separate anons all looking for part two of this story?! That make me feel so good as a writer! And the best part is that everyone seemed to have the same idea I did, as I had basically pulled that part out of part one to keep it from getting too long and rambling. Kinda like this note is getting. Ok on to the story!

Gerard flew back to LA later that day and your tour continued on. The next few stops were much better, thanks in part to the refreshing visit with Gerard and a day off that everyone sorely needed, but also Christine getting much more stern with the interviewers about the questions they would be asking. 

Having removed the Twitter app from your phone was proving to be incredibly helpful for your mental health, however it wasn’t silencing the constant stream criticism and hate from Gerard’s so-called fans. The longer you maintained your silence, the more vicious the tweets became.

I hope @(YFN)(YLN) bus crashes

Hey @mikeyway is (YN) as aweful as she seems?

can we just cancel her fo existing? #(YN)iscancelledparty

A couple weeks later, the tour was over and you were rolling back into LA. Christine drove you home and debriefed you on what you would be doing in the coming weeks, but most importantly you had a few days off. All you could think of was getting home and meeting up with Gerard, but when you finally arrived, a familiar car was already waiting in the driveway.

“Gee!” You squealed, jumping out of the passenger seat as soon as the car had stopped moving. You ran up to him and jumped in his arms as he spun you both around. “Ugh the last two weeks were the longest yet!”

“I know, I missed you so much,” he said, setting you back down before planting a big kiss on you. 

You weren’t aware of how long you had been lost in Gerard’s kiss until you heard Christine clearing her throat behind you.

“Sorry to interrupt this lovely reunion, you two really are the cutest I swear, but (YN) you wanna get your dirty laundry out the back seat of my car?” Christine asked snidely.

You pulled back and rolled your eyes as you went to retrieve your things.

“Thanks again for coordinating everything so I could come out and see (YN),” you heard Gerard say to Christine. 

“Happy to help. I’ll get outta here so I’m not interrupting any further,” she said with a wave. “Oh and don’t forget (YN), meeting on Tuesday at 11 AM.”

“Got it,” you said, waving her off as Gerard helped to carry your bags inside the house. “Ugh, finally it’s just you and me again,” you said, draping your arms over Gerard’s shoulders as he put his hands on your waist, kissing you sweetly.

“My favorite place to be,” he smiled. “What do you wanna do first?”

“Honestly? I’m starving, can we order some lunch? And then eat it in bed? And just stay in bed for like the rest of the day?“

“That sounds great,” Gerard laughed.

~

The next morning Gerard invited you to go along with him to the studio to sit in on My Chem’s recording session.

”(YN)! How was touring?“ Ray greeted you with a warm hug.

"Ugh, it was a real learning opportunity,” you laughed and rolled your eyes.

“Gee told us you were having some trouble with the internet. That’s why I just stay away from it,” Ray shrugged.

“You probably got the right idea,” you replied as Mikey and Frank walked in.

“Hey (YN), welcome back,” Mikey said, exchanging a look with Frank.

“Yea… what was that about?” You replied, narrowing your eyes as you lookied between the two of them.

“Nothin,” Frank replied. “I gotta get in there and get this riff recorded before I lose it,” he said,  hurrying into the recording booth. Ray turned his attention to talking to the producer about what Frank was doing, leaving you with the brothers.

“Mikey, what was that look you gave Frank?” Gerard pressed.

“Yea, spill it,” you chimed in.

Mikey sighed. “I went on twitter for the first time in a while and there were all these messages directed at me asking why you weren’t on there, if you were too scared and weak to face the fans, if I liked you dating Gee, if Gee was happy, asking me to break you guys up so Gee and Frank can be together,” he said rolling his eyes.

“For fucks sake,” Gerard muttered, running his hand through his hair.

“Did you reply?” You asked, your voice barely coming out as a squeak. You were so sick of this response when your music career was just barely taking off. What if you achieved the level of success you once dreamed of, what would the criticism be like then? And what if Gerard got sick of dealing with you and the drama that seemed to follow you at every turn.

“Nah, I’m not gonna dignify that shit with a response. But for the record, I love you and Gee together,” he smiled reassuringly.

“Well I’ve fucking had it,” Gerard snapped as he pulled his phone out of his jacket pocket.

“What are you doing?” You asked.

“Shutting this down. These people claim to be fans, but can’t show a shred of respect to you, me, Mikey, Frank, Jamia, any of us. It ends today.”

You glanced at Mikey, who shrugged and joined Ray listening to Frank play. Gerard quickly slipped deep into thought as he typed furiously at his phone. You turned your attention to Frank’s playing as well until you felt a tap on your shoulder.

“Wanna go for a walk?” Gerard asked.

“Sure,” you replied with a smile as you got up and followed him out of the studio. It was a warm, sunny day, perfect for being outside instead of cooped up in a soundproof, windowless room. Gerard’s hand found yours as you wandered down the street, eventually stopping at a small cafe with big planters of bright flowers surrounding their outdoor seating area.

“This place is so cute,” you commented between sips of your iced coffee when you found a table.

Gerard nodded in agreement, before sliding his chair closer to yours. “I wanna get a photo,” he said, holding up his phone as he leaned in and placed a kiss on your cheek and you laughed with delight. Before you knew it, you and Gerard were practically having a full-on photo shoot, taking photos on your phones of each other, and both of you together. You were laughing and having a wonderful time until two people in business attire shot you a withering glance as they sat down at one of the other tables to begin their meeting.

As Gerard’s laughter died down, he started scrolling through the photos. “This is the one,” he said.

“What?” You asked, looking up from your own collection of photos.

“One sec,” he said, concentrating on his phone for a moment. “Ok, umm, so I want you to read this caption before I post it on instagram. You’re the most important person in the world to me and I love you. I’m so sick of how you’re being treated online, so I hope this shuts it down.”

When you took his phone, you looked at the photo he had selected and edited a little. You were laughing, holding your coffee, the bright flowers behind you providing the perfect backdrop as the sun shone down, but your heart pounded in your chest as you scrolled down and began to read:

It frustrates me that I even have to write this, but it’s overdue. For weeks and months now, I’ve tried to ignore the near constant barrage of hate and vitriol being spewed toward someone who is so important to me. I’ve said before that (YN) brings so much happiness and love to my life, she’s someone that I’ll be with forever if I’m lucky. 

But when every day I have to see and hear that people are questioning how much joy she brings me, saying vile things to and about her, it makes me sick. No one deserves that. And the fact that it’s being done in the name of supposedly protecting me is unacceptable. Disrespect is unacceptable and that’s not what being a fan is. 

To everyone who has shown (YN) love and support with her new album, or at the very least treated her respectfully, thank you. I appreciate it so much.

To my love (YN), I am so sorry that I didn’t do this sooner. You’re the most talented, beautiful, thoughtful, loving woman I’ve ever met. Never let them steal what makes you wonderful. I’m here for you always.

You glanced up at Gerard, your eyes welling up with tears. “Thank you,” you said softly.

“I mean it, I’m so sorry I didn’t step in sooner. I thought if we ignored it, they’d shut up and go away, not get worse.”

“It’s ok, there was no way of knowing,” you shrugged. “Maybe this will get someone to think twice. And I think we’ll all be better off if we take a break from Twitter. That’s where the worst of it seems to be.”

“You’re right,” Gerard nodded. “I  really love you (YN),” he said with a gentle smile.

“I love you too. And thank you for everything you do for me,” you said as you leaned in and sweetly placed a kiss against his lips.

[lifewithchronicpain-original]

Long post ahead, but I need to address this so I can move on.

Over ten years ago, I was really into atheism and debating theology on an atheist forum, and became popular as their first female member and eventually rose to moderator then administrator, setting up a lot of rules that they still have up posted in my username. I always find that funny.

I felt like I had met a great group of people with leftist politics and all that. I felt special because I was basically their token female until the forum gained more popularity. And then the owner added a kudos system to rate someone’s popularity and I was given many kudos for being able to argue against religion, mostly Christianity, so well and I even met up with the owner at Dragon*con one year.

Then a thread got into the topic of sexual objectification and this spiraled into an unpleasant discussion about rape culture. The same men I thought who appreciated what I had to say just didn’t listen anymore and I was viewed as being ridiculous. One was so offended he started putting typical MRA jokes in his signature. Also the guy I met decided he was now libertarian and whole heartedly believed regulation caused the 08’ crash. :/ I remember another guy on Facebook from my local atheist group agreeing with those men when I brought it up; and then said “oh come on, I’m an atheist, you know I’m not sexist!”

I was now facing the fact that this group of people I had enjoyed spending my time with online for about two years might praise me now, but when I would tread into territory that could make men face how they treat women, I was shut down and told a woman in a mini skirt is Just like a rich man with a visible wad of $100s in his back pocket. I was quickly understanding for the first time why there aren’t more women and POC in these “new atheist” groups. They thought their lack of religion immunized them because they blamed religion for racism and sexism. Conveniently ignoring they also believe religion was created by men and thus promoting their already established views of women and other races. Funny that.

At the same time (we had a few women on board but they were avoiding that conversation) a woman joined and spoke up. They ripped into her. I had the comfy cushion of my status, she had none. She was given all the negative kudos and when I talked to her privately I found out she was also a survivor.

I was facing so many arguments I knew were wrong but couldn’t fully articulate. That’s when I discovered what rape culture, as well as the Just world theory. That’s when I changed from becoming a feminist in label to a feminist in deeds and thoughts. I learned the responses to their arguments and then I learned I also don’t want to waste another minute on these men. I posted my goodbye explaining their responses have caused a lack of trust I can never get past because they refuse to even see how their so-called reason left the room when they started dealing with sexism.

The only man who defended me was the lone Christian who for some reason liked hanging out there. There was also a trans women there, she was very happy to agree with the men’s victim blaming and I never understood that. But it also taught me you can’t expect to know someone’s full politics just because you happen to agree or disagree on the issue of god, or really on anything.

I learned that belonging to a group of people on the surface doesn’t mean we’re all lock-step in ageeememt over every issue. I learned I can’t trust anyone who treats relationships and sex as something they deserve and not something you enter with mutual respect for boundaries. I’m not denying it hurts to be rejected and people can be rejected on prejudicial biases, but it’s still a situation that requires mutual consent and you can’t force that on people by calling them bigots. Shaming a woman into having sex with you because otherwise you’ll call her out, is essentially forced consent which is rape. I can’t say it plainer than that.

My consistent insistence that a woman’s boundaries are to be respected, that our sex lives are not political statements to be commented on, and that lesbians owe no one anything has ruffled a lot of feathers.’A lot of people don’t like that. I have seen this from MRA’s to variois online factions of bisexual and trans people (And to be very clear, not all, I don’t like painting a group with one brush) acting like lesbians not sleeping with them is an act of cruelty, a prejudice that must be corrected. In other words, “how dare you not let me get off this is a violation of my civil rights! Lesbians must be so privileged for dating other lesbians!” It’s really fucked up and everywhere on this site. And no, trying to dress it up in woke language like “you should really examine why you don’t like penises” isn’t better. Rather it betrays an obsession with getting penises into lesbians. Not all trans women have one, but that’s too pesky a detail when you’re obsessed with getting dick into a lesbian. And trust me as a lesbian, this is an obsession many people have.

I am seeing the same things that played out before playing out time and again in online spaces, where there’s little cost to being an asshole. People decided an issue is pivotal to their identity or whatever, and do everything they can to “other” people who don’t agree. They use their online social capital to try to shame people. They knowingly post call outs to attack decent people they just don’t agree with. If they can’t chase someone off the platform they’ll make it hell for that person if as much as they can. And they will resort to nasty sexist slurs because to these people nothing is worse than woman with a mind of her own. I’m no longer 25, I don’t seek the approval I used to, I can deal with online anxieties by not engaging. I know to block people and turn off anon. It hurts to be targeted for sure, but ten years later people trying to slander me online is more like water to a duck. But I’m not everyone and ten years ago this kind of online drama could be a suicide inducing event. But they don’t care.

I’m gonna let you in on a secret, the majority of political disagreements are not worth burning down the house and destroying every relationship over. Not only will you have no true friends, you will never challenge your beliefs, your beliefs will stagnate and you will never grow, never learn.

People might read this and assume that because I don’t think sex with a lesbian is a civil right that I must hate trans women. I don’t, that’s not who I am. I know what it’s like to question my gender, I suffer from mild disphoria. I can’t imagine what severe dysphoria is like and I don’t presume to assume what is right for everyone suffering from this. It is terrible, and no one deserves to be treated like shit for it. But that also doesn’t give some people (I emphasize, this is not every trans person’s doing) the right to attack women for talking about sexism, their vagina, pregnancy, or being a lesbian. I couldn’t give a rats ass if a lesbian and trans women get together, I have no right to judge or police that, but it’s okay to police lesbians? That’s fucked up, and let’s not pretend the same standard is applied to gay men, because it 100% is not.

Everyone, no matter the gender, is susceptible to sexism. Calling that out is not me saying I hate trans women, or I want to fight against trans advocacy or anything like that. I just want to talk about sexism and how it affects me as a female lesbian woman. No matter how hard you try, you can’t ID your way out of sexism, just like I, as a white person, cannot ID myself out of the racial bias I was taught from birth. These things are no different to me and has no bearing on me respecting pronouns and promoting issues of trans disability on this blog.

This one issue has painted me as a TERF, when my radical feminism (which I’ve never 100% agree with, one example is bathrooms, just let people pee! When people start monitoring bathrooms I get questioned because I’m GNC) has never been about misgendering and denying the painful realities of dysphoria. I believe and trust we can better understand transmisogyny when we better understand traditional misogyny. If one gender wasn’t so overwhelmingly oppressed I can’t imagine people would have such a knee jerk hateful reaction to trans people. I might think male socialization is a thing, but unlike other people, I don’t attack trans women for our disagreement on this one point. I’ll never make a call out post because I couldn’t make a trans women say what I wanted. I will never ever call anyone a slur either, while I’ve been called a bitch and cunt.

This blog is about disability. All I care about is promoting disability justice, information, and social support. I will always be open to discussing disability as it effects any minority group: POC, female, poor, trans, gay, etc... I’m more than happy to reblog posts regarding trans disability especially with regards to HRT or surgery can effect that. This blog will never be about attacking people and trying to tear them down. I might disagree with people but I won’t try smear someone’s reputation because of it. In recent years I have striven to disagree with people without resorting to insults and assumptions. I’m not perfect but I try.

I have talked before how there are zealous aspects to all groups. You won’t have me denying that radfems can be just as nasty. I condemn any radfem who has treated anyone the way I’m being treated right now. I personally don’t believe that because one trans women did something wrong that it’s okay to misgender all trans women. I am not like that. I’m not so bitter and hateful that I can’t separate one group of assholes from a minority group.

I’ve always been about being the better person, not for the people you hate but for yourself. Holding on to all this hate and negativity, attacking women for daring to state their mind, encouraging people to attack that person, that must be aweful. I can’t, and I won’t be like that. My own mental health couldn’t take it when I did participate in some of these behaviors on my early tumblr experience. Then I realized it was tearing me apart, and that the person on the other end is a human too. I don’t have to like them, but I can respect they have feelings and a world view that wasn’t built just to attack me.

Whether or not you agree with me on a lesbian’s right to bodily autonomy, does that really warrant a response meant to tear a disabled woman down? Are the only people entitled to their own opinions the ones that agree with you?

This matter truly is about sexism whether you believe it or not. I do not actively discuss trans issues on any of my blog. I was targeted for guilt by association (because I can’t follow people I don’t 100% agree with I guess) on main and when asked I said I got nothing against trans women I do have problems with rhetoric that treats sex with a lesbian as a civil right. I was then called out. That is exactly what happened and why I had to shut down questioning and take a break.

This post is to let you all know, I’m back, I’m okay, and this blog will continue with its mission to support disabled people. If you think a disabled women like me who only ever wants to help others, deserves this, then please unfollow. I don’t care how many people follow, I care that the people who do, want to follow me. If you’re a trans woman uncertain if you can bring an issue to me, of course you can. I’m not here to judge anyone, I’m here to give whatever disability advice and support that I can.

So yeah if you can’t understand that disagreements don’t warrant tearing down a person, especially someone who is disabled and has mentioned suicide attempts, then I can’t help you and the unfollow button is right there. If you do or don’t agree with me but think it was fucked up to get called out for, welcome. This blog will return to disability issues and this is the last I’ll be addressing this issue. I’m just going to delete and block people who think calling a disabled woman a cunt is top notch activism. You will not ruin what I’ve built here. You will not cower me. This bitch has been through too much to let anonymous trolls take me down.

Much love to all those who have supported me, it has meant a lot. 💕

[simptasia]

for the ask thingy 1) fandom: futurama? (i recently watched the first episode bc i faintly remember u talking abt it - should i keep watching?) but if u dont wanna get into it or my mind was playing tricks on me we can always go for the classic lost :D 2) ship: kateclaire? i miss the GIRLS 3) character: daniel faraday (disclaimer as always u dont have to do all u can pick n choose :D)

thank you thank you thank you!

also i ADORE futurama, it’s one of my fave cartoons, yes keep watching! it’s so funny, i love the characters, it has great (and silly) sci fi concepts, and happens to have just really great tear inducing episodes/moments. so yes!! watch it!!

not just you, everybody, please watch futurama

annnnyways

Send me a fandom and I will tell you my:

Futurama

Favorite character: Fry. Bender is without a doubt the funniest character but Fry is my fave. He’s so endearingly stupid and I love how nice he is. He could have been the bland straight man protag for wackier personalities to play off but he’s a huge goofus. And he’s a trekkie! And neurodivergent! And pansexual! He’s a good boy, love that Fry

Least Favorite character: I’ve never really thought about it, like as far as I recall, I don’t remember anybody showing up and I’m like “oh geez this guy”. Oh wait. Fry’s ex girlfriend Michelle is a bitch but she’s meant to be. But like, she’s not even a funny bitch. Like Mom or Zapp.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): Fry/Leela (this is a ship I’ve had since i was a kid, an original flavour OTP right there, I loooove Fry/Leela), Fry/Bender, Fry/Leela/Bender, Amy/Kif, Bender/Amy

Character I find most attractive: Leela. Even when I was a kid I found her attractive. Hot + the Matt Groening style doesn’t normally go together very well (even he’s admitted this) but it just works with Leela. Amy is cute too! And Fry is cute but that’s mainly his personality (and fan-art) doing that. I also happen to enjoy purple and orange a lot so Leela and Fry are inherently nice for me to look at. Yeah, Futurama pulls off attractive women better than The Simpsons does. (diff times, diff genres...)

Character I would marry: Aww, Fry

Character I would be best friends with: Oh, all of them really (tho Zoidberg’s smell could be a problem). Especially Fry, Leela & Bender

A random thought: Now I’m wondering if there’s a Futurama style Create A Character thing online, I’ll look later. Also, I know Jurassic Bark makes everybody cry but I just wanna say it made 10 year old me sob and I didn’t cry at fictional things as a kid. Like, very very rarely. Me being a big cryer kicked in later. So that’s a helluva thing. Power of dogs

An unpopular opinion: I don’t know... oh a lot of people don’t like the later seasons but I really like them! There’s some stinkers here and there (attack of the killer app and the butterjunk effect come to mind) but overall it’s still Futurama goodness. Oh and The Beast With The Billion Backs gives me a bad feeling in my tummy because it has this “polyamory is gross and creepy” vibe to it. Whether it’s intended or not, it just makes me uncomfortable. Other than that, it’s a good movie. Fry saying “Robots don’t go to heaven” makes me tear up.

My Canon OTP: Fry and Leela, number one cartoon OTP!!!

My Non-canon OTP: Fry and Bender, babey!!!

Most Badass Character: Well, Leela, obviously

Most Epic Villain: Hmm... I looked up “Futurama Villians” and Bender is on the list jajafklafkjs I love that. I wouldn’t call anybody epic, tho Mom is pretty powerful and malevolent. I’ll pick my fave villain: The Robot Devil

Pairing I am not a fan of: Zapp gets nothing, good day sir! I don’t know any ships I’m like Against tho. Some I’m squicked by, like involving The Professor or Zoidberg but like that shit is for laughs anyways

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): They picked the ball up later on but Hermes was a flat character for a while there. And remember how they forgot Amy is smart for like,,, ages. Again they fixed this later. It’s sometime I appreciate about the later seasons, they gave more focus for characters who were less explored in the original run (this show has like 4 finales, to be clear)

Favourite Friendship: Fry & Bender is Iconic and I adore them

Character I most identify with: Fry. Brainweird trekkie who loves TV/movies and has feminist tendencies. Love him

Character I wish I could be: I mean, if I had to... Bender? I mean, if I had to live in the super dangerous world of Futurama, I’d like to be a robot. Plus Fry and Leela’s lives are pretty sad :(

You gave me the option of LOST as well, so I’m doing that too

Favorite character: Hurley is my favourite. Indeed he’s one of my fave characters in fiction in general. (Daniel is just who I talk about the Most)

Least Favorite character: [insert abusive parent here], tho Anthony Cooper and Roger Linus are on top of the loathing pile. And y’all know I hate Christian Shephard so much. Keamy is also utter scum.

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon): This fluctuates so much but at this point who would I be fooling if I didn’t put Dan/Char first. Yes, I know there are bigger meals available, I’ll still lick the chocolate flakes off the floor. Anyways. Daniel/Charlotte, Daniel/Charlotte/Miles, Kate/Claire. After this point I wobble all over the place... because I ship so much. And it depends on my mood. Sometimes I’m just really in a Desmond/Charlie mood, other times i’m uwu for Jack/Kate. And so on. Just, take my top three. Tho honorable mentions to Sayid/Shannon and Miles/Richard, I’m very fond of them. And Desmond and Penny! Jin & Sun and aaahhh!! Basically most things canon and a shitton of noncanon. You guys know what I’m like with shipping and LOST!!! I’m posting the chart

Character I find most attractive: Bruh, this show is a bi & pan dream. I’m not good at picking favourites but Desmond, Charlie, Ana lucia, Charlotte are really “holy fuck” hot to me. And Sayid. And Miles. And Kate. Aahhh!! I’ll just end up listing almost everybody. If I had to pick one (1) LOST character to deem the Hottest, I’d pick Desmond. He makes my eyes glaze over. Desmond transcends all sexuality. Desmond is a living romance novel love interest. Desmond’s body is shown off a LOT... also he’s scottish. But man, I came to LOST because of one crush and left with at least 20 more. It’s a great investment!

Character I would marry: Sayid. He would make a wonderful husband. Just,,, just such a loving, gentle, respectful person........ and you KNOW he’s good with his hands. Daniel is a close second for much the same reasons, actually

Character I would be best friends with: HURLEY!!!!

A random thought: “Random Thoughts About LOST” could be a title for my blog, buddy. All the men are subs. There ya go.

An unpopular opinion: Oof, here we go. I love Jack Shephard! Though I have noticed we’ve gotten to a point where liking Jack isn’t a ridiculous concept in this fandom anymore. I don’t find myself defending myself/him as much as I used to. Also Hurley/Libby was really really cute. Yeah, I know she wasn’t around much before she died, I still believe in their love. Oh wait I forgot the big one: I fucking ADORE the LOST finale. It’s one of my favourite episodes and it’s not only not a bad finale, it’s an amazing finale, one of the best I’ve seen. It’s great television. The problems people have with it have never made sense to me, I personally love it!

My Canon OTP: Daniel/Charlotte (they count, they’re not an Official Couple but they’re in love! they count amongst the lost romances!)

My Non-canon OTP: Kate/Claire (i sometimes forget it isn’t canon because holy GOSH does this fire have a lot of fuel)

Most Badass Character: Sayid can fuck you up. That ankle thing

Most Epic Villain: Uhhh, Ben was a villain for a bit there

Pairing I am not a fan of: Kate/Sawyer springs to mind for being a very popular ship that I’m just not into. Like, it’s okay, they’re just better for each other as friends

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Michael, Walt and Sayid due to poor and/or racist writing. Libby, Charlotte, Miles just for missed opportunities. Actually I don’t think they screwed up Miles, he was mostly great, just he could have been used more. Like his powers, or delving into his trauma, his budding friendships with other people. it ticks me off that Miles doesn’t get given Reactions to Char & Dan’s deaths. The Science Team in general were underused and they barely felt like a Team. Anyways Michael Dawson deserved better. Season 2 just fucked up a lot of characters but it really did not treat Michael with respect. I can’t even explain how it’s bad, it just is.

Favourite Friendship: Everybody/Vincent. Hehehe, actually, here's what comes to mind, can’t pick a fave: Hurley/Charlie, Hurley/Everyone Kate/Every Woman She Meets, Jack/Claire is cute when it happens. Jin/Michael was A+. Thinking about it, I like every friendship in this show. Does Ben/Locke count? Are they friends? Well, their scenes are enthralling so there's that. I also appreciate all the lady friendships on this show. And with people who didn’t start as friends, so with everybody it had to grow in front of us and that’s nice.

Character I most identify with: Hurley, Jack, Daniel, Kate and Claire all hit. But Hurley the most, absolutely. Also I find Jack endearing because his emotional instability reminds me of my own.

Character I wish I could be: Claire. Not much would change but I’d get to fuck Charlie and Kate

Send me a ship and I will tell you:

Kate/Claire

When I started shipping them: I literally don’t remember anymore

My thoughts: The last third of Kate’s character arc (of not running anymore, of being responsible, etc) is dedicated to Claire. Kate went back to that island for Claire, not Jack or Sawyer. Kate and Claire remembered together and it was played with as much emotional resonance as the Charlie/Claire and Jack/Kate soulmate scenes. These two are gonna raise sons together. Restless, passionate!!! Honestly, these two make so much sense and get so many Moments, I forget this isn’t canon. Their actresses have amazing chemistry and just. Gosh, I love them

What makes me happy about them: They would be so good for each other! They’ll take care of each other and support each other and give each other kisses, etc. Also also I love their height difference. Oh, I enjoy the contrast of Kate who is more experienced and badass, and Claire who I feel is more naive and is very very sweet & sunshiney. (don’t take me for thinking Kate ain’t sweet and Claire can’t go off, though). I also enjoy how Kate legit looks/holds herself butcher whenever Claire is around

What makes me sad about them: Mr. LOST writers, how comes you had no canon bi people in ur show? Come back here, I’m talking to you-

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: where fic

Things I look for in fanfic: [looks around] h-hewwoo? ladies falling in love and fucking?? pwease?? i’m a fan of mutual pining. i like the idea of claire not realising she’s bi until kate makes her feel things and claire confessing her feelings to kate in a big ol’ cute ramble and then they kiiiisss, and then they fuuuuck. spare fuck, ma’am? femslash is very underdone in fandoms and lost is an old fandom so [pleading emoji]

My wishlist: oh i think i just made it. just content for kate/claire in general is a lovely thing. and makes me progressively stronger

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Jack for Kate, Charlie for Claire. Obviously

My happily ever after for them: Oh, I think I’ve made that clear. But overall? They’re married (emotionally, not legally. because Kate isn’t into that for personal reasons), they have two sons Aaron and David. Kate is a professional photographer, Claire does illustrations for children’s books. They have a nice house, they have lotsa friends, they are content

Give me a character & I will tell you:

Daniel Faraday

How I feel about this character: [mildly] Oh, I like him........ HOW DO YA THINK I FEEL ABOUT DANIEL FARADAY?? I’ve only gushed about him, analysed his character back to front, and frequently highlight his scenes and such for like a bagillion years now. But I do admit, I am just too subtle. It’s a real problem I have. ;) Anyways, that aside. Like they didn’t utilise his character as much as they should’ve/could’ve and he’s still perfect. With just 23 episodes (which makes me salty that Char is so underdeveloped in 20 episodes.) The writing is great, like in just The Variable they get a TON about Daniel across. Tho, we all know what really makes Daniel so great, the reason everybody loves him so much, is Jeremy Davies’ performance. Just. So good. I love Daniel, I adore Daniel. He’s that The Smart Guy science nerd archetype but he turns out to be way more than that too. He’s soft spoken and polite but with subtle hints of sass and bitterness for some extra flavour. I love how tactile he is and his constant hand gestures, it’s just great to watch this guy talk. And his life and backstory is very sad, like he has one of the most tragic backstories/storylines in LOST and thats. saying a lot. And I love good angst. I mean, I love LOST, so of course I do. But yeah, summing up: he’s cute, he’s smart, he’s a little funny, he’s tragic, he’s gentle and he just,,, wants to love and to make music. And he gets to have the life he deserves by the end!! Oh and the inherent value of a canonically neurodivergent character being well written, getting a good storyline and shown as being liked and loved, is just very precious to me

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Charlotte, Miles, Desmond, Charlie and Theresa (last one by way of canon and I’ve certainly put way more thought into it than the writers did. she’s part of his life so I won’t ignore her). Wow, five people. I’ve made Daniel the demisexual equivalent of a slut. [snorts]

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: Daniel and Penny getting to be brother and sisterly in limbo is such a cute thought, I love it. I also pay extra attention to Daniel and Richard scenes because of my theory. There’s also hintettes of a Daniel & Kate friendship in canon, it’s not much but I like it. I think if Dan lived he could have made easy friends with most of the characters but as it is, he really doesn’t get to interact with many people. He’s a rather insular character

My unpopular opinion about this character: i’ve picked up that some people think he doesn’t get jokes or that he’s naive. and i personally give him some naivety here and there due to a lack of experience but i also think he’s quick learner and he can be pretty adaptable 

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: i really like how daniel’s story is already (thus my brain instantly jumps to dan/char kiss!!!) tho it does feel a bit like theres pieces missing. this would be due to that lovely writer’s strike that happened around seasons 4 and 5. there was meant to be more sci team content but then that happened. sigh. still, gaps and loose threads in the story isn’t a story breaker for daniel specifically. and i don’t mind things being left in implication or to the imagination. i don’t need to see everything. if it was handled badly with dan, i’d be annoyed, but it wasn’t. so... dan/char kiss!!!

Favorite friendship for this character: it occurs to me that the people dan is friends with,, are people i ship him with. hey, it doesn’t cancel each other out: char and miles. also we don’t get much, or we get nothing but the implication of dan’s friendships with frank and naomi is also cute. also also daniel and desmond aren’t exactly friends (it’s weird, they meet a few times and it Means A lot) but the des and dan running thing is a fave

My crossover ship: i don’t really think of it like that...

[chaniters]

Cellmates

Awan and Elyise have time to talk, as they seek to escape their cell.

Part 13 of @kruk-art‘s Awan Cormac’s fic, and the longest thing I’ve written so far. The end is nigh though.

___________________________________________

“Are you awake?!” A voice says to your left. 

You turn lightly, to notice Elyise chained to the ceiling, her feet dangling over the ground.

Looking up you realize you are similarly restrained, and that you are dangling just as she is. 

“ARE YOU AWAKE?” she insists. 

“I think I am” you state.

“About time” she grumbles.

“What’s going on…?” you asks just an instant before your mind decides to reboot and provide all the missing memories. “Oh. Reaper is a jerk.” Your suit seems to be still on, and there’s a pair of burn marks where Reaper shot you. So this is where you ended up it seems.

“Precisely.” she nods. 

“He got you too?” you ask rather calmly. By your standards, being suspended is pretty tame… unlike the farm’s numerous pressure tests. 

“No, I just came to stretch my arms… OF COURSE, HE GOT ME TOO, GENIUS!!” she states dangling to the side furiously.

“Ugh, don’t yell, my head’s killing me” 

“He’s the one who’s gonna kill us if we don’t do something”

“Relax. If he wanted us dead we wouldn’t be even talking up here” 

“RELAX? You want me to relax?!”

“I’m the one who should be mad, you’re darn liar, remember? What the fuck is your deal, Elyise?”

“My deal? Getting out alive is my deal, always!”

“You worked for Hollow Ground, you had links with the Loanshark and then you helped Reaper? What side are you on?!”

“I’m on my own side ok?. Someone has to be,” 

“You could have mentioned that YOU HELPED KILL HOOD!”

Oh, that struck a chord. She turns to you, angrily. 

“Do you think it was my idea? I don’t know what you heard, but I was FORCED to help in that.”

“You could’ve said NO!”

“Because that was a great choice for me, right?  If I hadn’t helped Hollow Ground would have thrown me out for mom to find. She had precogs in her little cult. Wouldn’t have lasted a day on my own”

“You also helped Reaper murder a ton of people just to keep your secret!”

“Those people? They’re SCUM! And I don’t know if you noticed but everyone in their right mind approved of what Catastrofiend did”

“So if you’re so happy about it, then why aren’t you helping Reaper anymore?!” 

“BECAUSE HE WASN’T SUPPOSED TO HURT YOU GUYS, OK?  I DONT KNOW WHY HE DID THAT! HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD CATASTROFIEND TO LEAVE WHEN YOU SHOWED UP. I QUESTIONED HIM AFTER OUR CHAT, AND HERE I AM!”

“Hurting us, huh? That’s what bothered you? What about, oh I don’t know DATING CHARGE for example? Did someone force you to do that too?!

“I knew this was about it! You never liked me around him! I saw how you looked at us!”

“That’s not...”

“Admit it already!” You’re definitely NEVER going to admit something like that. 

“You know he worshipped Hood, and you’re accessory to his murder! Don’t you think he had at least the right to know about something like that?!”

“...” she starts to say something, but her voice breaks and she looks away.  You won the argument, clearly.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought!” you say annoyed, looking at the binds. Maybe you can find some way to get out and leave her here.

“...I just wanted to be normal, ok?” she says after a while, turning back at you. 

“Normal?”

“He talked to me about so many things… And he listened… And I… I had never been with anyone before… and he was so darn nice I just… I just wanted to be happy”

“Don’t. Just don’t! Don’t you dare... No.. don’t you… crap” you say looking at her teary eyes.

It’s not the physical crying that does it but the inner mess of emotions. It actually shuts you up, mainly because you understand where she’s coming from all too well. 

Are you just being one big hypocrite? 

You escaped the farm to kill someone in the first place.

Shit, she’s making it harder to hate her. 

“What?” she says as you fall silent “aren’t you going to go on about how am I a total piece of shit?”

“... No…” you grumble

Silence. Only interrupted by the clinking of the chains.

If only you could walk out of the room and have some time to think about it… But no. You have to return to reality. 

Realty being you’ve both been captured by a skull-faced homicidal maniac

“Listen… I assume you’ve tried to get us out with your telekinesis?” 

“I did. There’s some sort of security system that prevents it. 

“Can you show me?”

She nods slowly 

“This cell gets even funnier when I try that”  You can sense her concentrating and…. 

The walls start shinning in bright blue, the room filling with static, followed by a deafening booming sound from every side, stronger. She screams something… and then you’re screaming something too… so loud… 

Until it all dies out, your ears still ringing echoes of it. 

“Ugh, this is a nasty one… Sonic pain inducers” you yell.

“WHAT?” she yells back, still half-deaf.

Probably on par with some of the Farm’s tests. Just your luck, Awan, you say to yourself. 

A console lights up on the far end, with Charon’s logo on it…

“For the fourth time Prisoners, I advise you not to attempts that again. This room can be electrically magnetized and will counter any telekinetic attempt to escape. It is also equipped with sound blasting technology that will castigate unruly behavior.” The console shuts down soon after the last word is said. 

“Shit!” you say

“I know. Do you have any skills to escape something like this?”

You study the binds. They seem simple chains and manacles and you’ve got nothing to pick the lock with. THere’s no other mind than Elyise’s close enough for you to reach either.

“Nope”

“Then we’re royally fucked” she states.

“Indeed” you sigh.

“Distract Charon. I will try to send a telepathic message to the rangers” you send the words into her mind so Charon won’t overhear. She seems startled, but nods in silence. 

You start clearing your mind for the task at hand. Never attempted communication at this range, and there’s no guarantee that it would work at all even if you had been practising. It doesn’t help that there are millions of people in Los Diablos and you want to find a single mind.  

Piece of cake, Awan.  

________A few hours later._______________

Your arms hurt like hell from dangling and you’ve lost track of time, but you’re not giving up, repeating the message over and over… impossible to tell if you are being heard or not.  

“HEY CHARON!” She yells. Elyise has been doing a superb job of distracting the AI. You wish she wasn’t that good because it distracts you as well. 

The screen turns on, and the display comes online once more. If AI’s had human personalities you would say Charon is surprisingly gossipy. He probably doesn’t get many people to chat with since the Defenders Society disbanded. 

“What? I’ve already told you I’m not going to let you go”

“Just wanted to ask you when did Reaper decide he wanted to kill all those drug-dealers”

“Whatever do you mean? Master has killed drug-dealers many times in the past.”

“Oh c’mon! He hasn’t killed anyone in almost a decade!”

“It’s true… he took a long hiatus after retiring from the crime-fighting life. His focus fell almost entirely upon charity projects after his cancer got worse”

“Was it hard, overcoming it?”

“He did not overcome it.

“What do you mean? He told everyone he was doing great!”

“That was a lie he repeated many times. His doctors gave him months to live and he dismissed them. And then the Hauswald foundation burned down, sending him into a deep depression”

“What?” you interrupt. Elyise gives you an angry look, her mind telling you to focus on your own thing. She’s right… back to send your signal.

“Months to live? Is he dying? I saw him standing up earlier!”

“He was dying, right until he wasn’t. My research into the subject he brought in changed everything!”

You can barely hear what they’re saying… you’re picking up something… something getting closer...

“You mean my mother?”

“Affirmative. The subject possessed impressive regenerative properties never seen before on a boost. I theorized that a series of transfusions could heal him by making his own tissues more competitive than the cancer-cells”

It’s clear now. Someone picked up your message and is very close to Reaper’s complex… 

“He has… my mother’s blood?”

“Indeed. He was reluctant, thus I had to administer it hidden in his medication.”

“You… gave it to him without him knowing?!”

“Indeed. I would do anything to preserve my master.”

“Aren’t there secondary effects?”

“Oh yes. Many in fact. I discovered most of them after the third transfusion took place”

“What side effects?!”

“Psychological mostly. Sharp aggression increases, self-restraint, almost nullified. Morality ambiguity and…”

Someone’s walking up to the Manor’s gate… with a vengeance. You sense some sort of fight taking place. 

“I am sorry. Someone’s being rather rude at the main gate. We can finish this conversation later” the screen says before turning off.

“Did you get someone?” she asks

“I think so?”

“Who?”

“I’m not really sure… I think it’s…”

The sound of fighting interrupts you, along with blaring sirens.

There is only one presence in the complex asides from her, and it doesn’t take you long to figure out who. 

“It’s Anathema!” you say. “They’re fighting a lot of security drones”

“about time we got some good luck. Guide them to us?!”

It’s not hard to send Anathema a signal they can follow. They’re used to working with you. 

Finally, you can hear the noise coming up to your cell, with gunshots and skittering of metallic legs and the sizzling of acid.

“CEASE AND DESIST INTRUDER! THIS IS PRIVATE PROPERTY AND YOU ARE TRESPASSING!”

“I’ll give you trespassing and then some, you dumb toasters!”

“GET AWAY FROM  THE PREMISES!”

“Will you shut up already? I can’t hear my own thoughts and I think I’m getting some that are not even mine…”

“Get out before you are hurt human!” 

“Hurt? You know your spider-things can’t hurt me! I’ve gone through three dozens of them already!”

“Losses are meaningless. I have an immense reserve of combat drones!”

“And I have like the worst case of reflux in mankind’s history, so give me a break will you?” he sounds like he’s just in front of you now… 

“HERE! WE’RE IN HERE!” You shout out, with Elyise joining you.

“About time! I thought I was going mad with all the talking toasters”

The door starts smoking and dissolving under the acid shower from the other side. 

Soon, Anathema steps in, looking up at the two of you. 

“Oh, so you’re doing some stretching up in here?” he jokes, looking relieved.  

“Very funny” you answer. 

“Yeah, hilarious”  Elyise adds

“Oh c’mon, It was a good one-liner!” he grins looking up at the chains. “Now how do I get you out without dripping acid on your hair…”

“Can you deal with that box on the corner?” Elyise says looking down at it. 

“Can do” Annie states, letting a few drops off at it. Always amazes you, how it goes through almost anything.

Elyise inhales deeply and puts her powers in motions, both sets of chains bursting open to pieces. She floats gently to the ground…. While you land less gracefully.

“Ouch,” Anathema says helping you. 

“My poor arms” Elyise complains, stretching some. Yours do too, but you’re a bit more used to this kind of stuff.

“How long have we been here?” you ask. 

“A day and a half? I realized something was wrong when you didn’t come back… But I expected you were behind it all” Annie says looking at Elyise. “No offense”. 

“I do get that sometimes…” she sighs

“It’s not her Annie. It was Reaper all along”

“R… Reaper? Are you for real?”

“Afraid so…”

“RETURN THE PRISONERS AND SURRENDER!” Charon’s voice reaches from afar, the sound of metal legs coming in closer.

“Ahh crazy computers, love me. Ok, you two stay behind me, and don’t step on the acid, ok?” he says grinning.

The way out is plagued with spider terror drones but they are simply no match for Anathema, who marches you to the exit without a hitch. You find your gun on the way out along with the data rod. Elyise gives you a terrifyed look as you take it, but you don’t say a word about it to Annie. 

Not yet, at least. 

___________________________________________

My Fanfics: https://chaniters.tumblr.com/post/181692759294/my-fanfiction-for-fallen-hero

DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fan fiction using characters and the setting of the Fallen Hero: Rebirth and upcoming Fallen Hero: Retribution games written by Malin Riden. I do not claim ownership of any characters from the Fallen Hero wold. These stories are a work of my imagination, and I do not ascribe them to the official story canon. These works are intended for entertainment outside the official storyline owned by the author. I am not profiting financially from the creation of these stories, and thank the author for her wonderful game/s, without which these works would not exist.

[groovyzombiellama]

Fuck Off

Title: Fuck off Requested? Yes. Plot: Dating JP and a guy tries to flirt with you after a show, which leads to JP getting jealous and protective. Word count: 1146

---***---

You could have sworn you felt someone eye you up during the show, but you couldn’t quite put your finger on it as to who it was, but for the majority of the show, you felt a bit uncomfortable, no matter how hard you tried to pay attention to your best friends and boyfriend rocking out on stage. You have been dating JP Cappelletty, Machine Gun Kelly’s drummer for over two years now, and you loved every second of it. He made you feel so happy and didn’t miss a beat in telling you how happy you made him. A lot of the times when you would catch him staring at you, there was no way of hiding your blush, which only got darker with the words to come out of his mouth. It would either be one word, like ’gorgeous’ or ’adorable’, or full on sentances, like ’good god you’re beautiful’ or ’I’m so fucking in love with you’ and we can’t forget the ’you make me so damn happy’. He knew just what to do or say to make you go weak in the knees.

But he was also super protective of you, putting on PDA shows or shooting poison darts with his eyes at any guy who even dared to look at you. You didn’t mind really, he knew you would never cheat on him, so you figured as long as he doesn’t get in a physical fight, he was cute when he got jealous. You had no idea that he wouldn’t be so cute tonight. After the show was over, you started pushing through the crowd who were going the opposite way from you, towards the exit, doing your best to get to the backstage area and dressing rooms to congradulate the guys on another awesome show. Suddenly you feel someone grab your wrist, causing you to stop and turn around, noticing a random stranger looking at you with a seductive smirk on his face. The area around the two of you had cleared out a little, and you were trying to move your hand away from his grip, trying not to be too rude, telling him you were in a rush to be somewhere.

“Oh come on, you’re going back to that little prick? That kid can’t even drum well, let alone please a woman. He thinks he’s cool with all of his tattoos, but he’s just an id-.“ The stranger didn’t have time to finish insulting Rook as you used your other hand to slap him in the face. It took him by surprise and his grip on your wrist loosened, allowing you to pull your hand away from him. You made an attempt to rush to the dressing rooms, but he grabbed your waist, spining you around to face him, saying how he found the fact that you had a temper even hotter. He leaned over to kiss you, when he was all of a sudden jerked back, away from you, and down on the floor. You looked over at the person who had done that and it was the first time that you had seen Rook so angry in your life. His hands were clenched in fists, his breath fast paced, his eyes almost glowing with fire.

He wasn’t angry at you, but at the man who thought it was a good idea to go after his girlfriend. “Are you okay baby girl?“ JP asked, looking over at you, and you nodded. After recovering from the shock of being slammed to the ground, the man got up and charged at JP, and a full on fight broke out. You hated fights, so you yelled for them to stop, because you didn’t really know what else you could do, soon after calling out to Colson and the crew to help them stop fighting. But as soon as you told them why JP was fighting the guy, the rest of them got as angry as he was and started helping Rook, as they grabbed the guy’s arms which allowed Rook easy access to keep hitting him without taking damage himself. “JP stop please! Just stop!“ You yelled out, pushing yourself between them, your arms wrapping around your boyfriend’s torso, holding on for dear life as you squeezed your eyes shut, waiting for him to calm down. And soon enough, he did, wrapping his own arms around you, his breathing wild, and you told the guys to just kick him out of the venue and not continue hurting him, even though you were thankful they were also protecting you.

Colson was the first to nod and they handed the man over to security to kick him out, heading back to their dressing rooms. You stayed in the middle of the now empty venue, clinging on to Rook, afraid to look at his face, as you knew it would break your heart to see the damage. “I’m fine, baby girl, I’m fine. We’re both fine.“ Somehow his voice never failed in soothing you and calming you down. You felt a hot tear slide down your cheek when you looked up at his brused face, a trickle of blood coming from his lip and cheek. You lead him over to his dressing room and grab a med kit to clean his wounds, your hands still shaking from the experience. “I’m so sorry I scared you Y/N, but he had no right to mess with my girl. When I saw him try to kiss you forcefully, I just saw red. I’m sorry baby girl.“ JP said, taking your trembling hand into his, and you took a deep breath, assuring him you were fine, and continued cleaning the blood off his face.

A small clip of the fight ended up online, even though the secutiry had pushed everyone out at that moment, and you were surprised by how many people were applauding Rook for defending his girlfriend’s honor. They were not condoning the whole event of fighting, but they could understand why he would react like that. From that moment on, everyone knew not to mess with JP Cappelletty’s girlfriend, and Colson Baker’s friend, aware that the whole crew would be after them as a team if they did so. “I have no idea how I manage to keep up with you lunatics, but I’m the luckiest girl in the wold to have all of you by my side.“ You say to all of them while you were hanging out at the tour bus afterwards, to which everyone raised their glasses to a successful fight, causing you to giggle and you felt JP’s arms tighten around you, as you leaned against his chest. You turned your head and planed a gentle kiss on his lips, careful not to hurt him and snuggled into him. That was your man, and you were damn proud of him.

---***---

Hey anon, I hope you like it :) I don’t know why, but I just love writing about guys being protective over their girls. (that gif has me feeling some type of way though)

[linoloverimagines]

BURN PART 2 YOONGI X READER (FT. TAEHYUNG

BURN PART 2 YOONGI X READER (ft. Taehyung) I wasn’t planning on making a sequel, but since some of you wanted it, here it is!! Sorry if it isn’t that good hehe. I really didn’t know what I was going with this. Thank you for all of your feedback! I’m really grateful!!

You were sobbing on your best friend Jennie’s couch as you tried to explain what just happened in Yoongi’s apartment.

“That bastard!” She exclaimed

“I came as soon as I heard!” You heard Lisa open the door to immediately run up to you

“I don’t have to explain eve-ever-rything again, r-ri-ight?” You stuttered from all of the crying

“No, no sweetie..” Jennie gently patted your head

“Y’know what? We’re going to disrupt their little get together and make Min Yoongi regret he ever did this to you!” Jennie fumed out

“I’m sorry we didn’t tell you about the tabloid articles, Y/N....we knew you had an emergency back in your country and we didn’t want to add to your problems.” Lisa interrupted

“It’s okay, I understand... I’m just thankful that you guys are here” you gave them a weak smile

“And Jennie, I’m not coming back there until I feel like I’m ready to talk.”

“Well you can stay here for as long as you’d like.” Said Jennie

“It’s a good thing you already had your suitcase ready huh?” Lisa joked

Jennie glared at her, but the three of you just laughed it off.

————————— You were about to go to sleep in Jennie’s guest room, until suddenly your phone began buzzing. Half of you hoped that it was Yoongi trying to make amends and beg for your forgiveness

But half of you wished that it wasn’t, because you didn’t know if you could take seeing his name and a half-assed apology.

It was Taehyung.

Tae [1:00 am]: y/n.... are you awake?

Another message pops up

Tae [1:01 am]: Y/n-ieeeeee

You replied coldy.

You knew Yoongi was his bandmate and friend, but he was yours too, why did he let it go so far without even saying anything to you.

You [1:02 am]: what?

Tae [1:03 am]: I’m sorry we didn’t say anything about the plan.... we knew you wouldn’t agree with it, I’m sorry

You [1:03]: there are literally four members of their group and seven of you, why did it have to Yoongi??? Most of you are single!

Tae [1:04]: ....people were already shipping them online, so we thought we would just go with

You stopped replying, you didn’t really care of that explanation, it was mediocre at best. What did he think was going to happen if he explained? You were just going to forgive Yoongi?

You rolled your eyes

Tae [1:10]: I know you’re still mad….but can we meet? Not just me, but the whole group.

You [1:11]: What for? And why are you trying to defend him anyway?

Taehyung started typing his message his message

We all want to apologize, we feel really bad. We all took place in the decision-making and seeing you walk through your apartment doors looking like a ghost made my heart….

He backspaced and edited the message before pressing send

Tae [1:11]: We all want to apologize, we feel really bad. We all took place in the decision-making and seeing you walk through your apartment doors looking like a ghost made our hearts hurt.

You [1:12]: Well then feel bad.

You put your phone on silent mode and tucked yourself into bed. So what if they felt horrible? You felt absolutely hurt and you were not in the mood for forgiving

Days have passed by and you got even more heartbroken when Yoongi didn’t even try to contact you in any way. You didn’t receive any news from him and Taehyung stopped filling up your inbox after a while.

“I guess, it’s really over between me and Yoongi….” You sighed and laid your head on Jennie’s lap

“I thought he would fight for you more.” Lisa stated as she passed you the bottle of Soju

“Lisa, stop giving her alcohol, our little miss HR is gonna be a wreck at work tomorrow…you are going back to work tomorrow right?” Jennie looked down on you You sat up “Yes, probably? Maybe? They’re all going to be there and God, it will be the end of me.”

“I thought he would do better too, Lis. Stopping me in the hallway while grabbing my wrist? Really? That was the best that he could do after everything we both we’ve been through?” You frustratingly added

“Well, why not just quit??” Lisa suggested

“Yeah, like finding a job that pays like they do in Seoul is so easy.” You sarcastically replied

“Well, they’re going to fire you anyway if you wont turn up for work.”

“Shut up, Jen” You pouted

She was telling the truth. Y ou needed to build up the courage to go back to work or else you’ll be heart broken and broke at the same time.

While you were having your girl’s night in Jennie’s place, your ex-boyfriend was also hanging out with his bandmates to contemplate on what to do.

“You’re really not going to do anything about it, hyung?” Jimin said disappointingly as he passed the shot glass to Jungkook

“I heard she hasn’t been reporting to work, she might lose her job too. Why don’t you talk to her?” Hoseok tugged Yoongi’s shoulder

“Look! I’m still thinking, okay? I love her! God knows I love her and I want to win her back, but….my career and you guys are on the line too.” Yoong sighed in response

“Please, don’t make us as an excuse to continue on this thing you have with Joy….just say you want to continue boning her and go” Taehyung drunkenly slurred

“What the fuck? We’re not fucking! We’re not doing anything! This fake relationship is for our group!” Yoongi angrily replied

“Whatever, you didn’t even flinch when RM suggested the idea. You didn’t even chase Y/N when she left….You stupid fuck” Taehyung got up

“Woah woah woah, where is all of this coming from” Namjoon pulled Taehyung back to his seat

“Remember when I told you I liked her hyung, but she seemed really disinterested in me and I got sad so you, Kookie, and I had drinks that night. Then you confessed that you both have been talking to each other and it fucking hurt, but I still let you have her because I knew she was going to be happy with you but then you do this bullshit!”

Taehyung stood up and grabbed Yoongi by the collar

“I love YN more than anything in this life, and I would choose her happiness over mine anytime. Forget this stupid collaboration, I’m standing by her side…You will never be satisfied. GOD, I HOPE YOU’RE SATISFIED” He pushed Yoongi down

Yoongi got up

“Oh fuck off! Let me have her? She wasn’t even yours to begin with! She loves me and I love her! But why can’t your stupid little brain understand that there is more at stake here?! Do you really think this wont affect our group negatively? I trying to fucking think here, man! I want her back but I don’t want to jeopardize our hard work!” Yoongi angrily screamed

“You think this thing is a fucking scandal? Who the fuck cares if you’re not really dating someone from red velvet? It’s not like you’re dealing drugs, fuck man. Dating scandals don’t last and for a producer, you sure do put more confidence in the advertising of our music compared to our actual songs.” Taehyung replied

“You know what? Fuck you. I’m done with your shit, it’s not fucking hard to decide.” Taehyung got up and walked away.

Yoongi paused and got out his phone, he was about to text you, but he hesitated. He put it back in his pocket and sighed deeply

Lisa [6:00 am]: Y/N!!! CHECK YOONGI’S V-LIVE NOW!!! COME ON!!

You [6:01 am]: It’s 6:00 am what the fuck???

Lisa [6:01 am]: PLEASE!!! JUST GOOOO!!!

You groaned, but you followed what she said anyway.

“Ah, hello…Y/N. I hope you’re watching as I confess to the whole world how much I love you. I’ve been stupid……I let a marketing strategy get in the way of us. In the long run, album sales or streams wont matter if I can’t share my success with you. With music, I may never have an end-goal. But with you…well….you are the end-goal” Yoongi looked pale, tired, and thinner than when you last saw him.

“I don’t care if I get criticized for this, because I love you Y/N Y/L/N and I don’t care if the world knows! I will probably get hate, but what do they know about us? And for my fans and red velvet’s fans, I’m sorry but what I had with Joy was all a marketing strategy, it wasn’t real.

"Y/N….if you can find it in your heart to at least talk to me one last time, I know I haven’t been trying to connect with you, but the process of getting here was really hard and-“ His tears started staining his porcelain face

“Please…just please? It took me a while to realize what I really wanted and what really is important. Other people also had to make things clear to me, but I’m only human Y/N….but I’ll try be better for you, so please.” He sobbed

You paused the video and began sobbing as well.

Yoongi barely let his emotions out to you, let alone the public. He looked so vulnerable and in pain, you couldn’t believe he would expose himself like this for you.

You [6:10 AM]: Very bold move min…..

Yoongi [6:10 AM]: Where are you? I’ll go to you right away.

Yoongi drove to Jennie’s apartment with your favorite cup of coffee and you talked for hours about what happened between you both.

He had hundreds of jobs on the line if he ever decided to create a fuss with the media, but in the end he still chose to be with you. Receiving backlash would be heavy for big hit, but Yoongi had more confidence that they were going to rise through it, even if Bang PD wasn’t too pleased with his public stunt.

“I don’t expect you to take me back...but if you give me another shot, I would be more than willing to become better for us.” He shyly looked down

“Pretending to date someone else behind my back was a pretty dick move, but….I can’t believe you did that V-live thing for me.” You replied “Let’s try again…” You added

Yoongi’s face lit up and he took your hand to squeeze it tightly.

Months have passed since Yoongi’s great confession to the world and the hate from the scandal had finally died down.

He had received a lot of scolding from Bang PD, but Namjoon as the great leader that he is, defended Yoongi’s right to his personal relations.

All of the boys apologized to you for not informing you about the plan and you forgave them.

You also noticed that whenever Taehyung was near, Yoongi tightened his grip on you. You found it weird, but you thought nothing of it.

Most days and nights, Yoongi would still overwork himself even in your own apartment.

“Min Yoongi…come back to sleep.” You poke your head into his home-office

“We’re gonna test my new tracks for the American rappers this morning.” He replied with his eyes still glued to the computer

“It’s still dark outside..” You walked over to him and wrapped your arms around his neck

“I know, I just need to fix some things ” He simply replied

“Why do you work like you’re running out of time?” You chuckled and placed a small kiss on his cheek

“Shh…” He kissed your cheek back

“ Come back to bed, that would be enough…”

“I’ll be back before you know I’m gone.”

“Come back to sleep…” You tried to pull him away from his chair

“This meeting’s at dawn.” He pouted

“Well, I’m going back to bed.” You removed your grip from him He grabbed your arm and placed a soft kiss on your lips “I love you.”

[sick-raven]

Ghosts of the Past - Chapter 6

Chapter 1 + warnings

AO3

Previous chapter

Chapter 6

Banshee had enough of everyone’s shit. It was a week since the wild night. She’s seen Jonathan two times since. They talked about what happened thoroughly. They were adults and as adults they faced the new relationship. First time they met in his office for an appointment. So, they talked hard on the table. The other day he visited her in the shop. So, they also talked through and through in the backroom.

Always so weird. He didn’t want her to touch him and he never took any piece of clothing off. He had issues.

And then there were these motherfuckers. It was clear the hunt wasn’t over, but now they came hard as if the bounty doubled. She fended of three just this week.

“Tell me who sent you,” she demanded dangling a man of the roof. She held him by his shirt over the edge. One wrong move and they will both fly down and pancake on the pavement.

He whimpered but didn’t say anything.

“Talk, or you are flying off here!”

“I don’t know! They never told us who they are!”

“Bye then.”

“No, please!!”

“Banshee, stop.”

And now this jerk tried to ruin her day too! Why did she ever thought she liked Gotham? This was a hellhole that painted a target on her back and sent the Bat to stop her from scratching it off.

“This is self-defence,” she said and looked at Batman. “You can’t blame me for that.”

“Let him go.”

“Not until I know who made bounty on me!”

“I don’t know, please, it’s online!” cried the man. His face was red and wet. Only thing missing was him calling for his mommy.

“Where?”

“The Gotham bounty.”

“Are you serious? You have a page for that?” Banshee turned to Batman.

“Not that I know of,” he said.

“Now you do,” she snapped. “One has to be a hacker in this fucking town.” She tucked the man in and let him go. He stumbled on his legs and ran as fast as he could. Two shadow figures let him pass through them and disappeared in puff of smoke.

Oh, yeah, the shadow figures were prominent now. She felt them breathing on her neck. That also pissed her off.

“Leave me alone. I didn’t kill anyone,” she hushed the Bat.

“I know. I wanted to talk to you about your contact with Jonathan Crane.”

“You are a voyeur now, great.”

“He’s a dangerous man, Miranda. You shouldn’t get close to him.”

“So am I. Next?”

“I’ve seen this before. I don’t want you to fall in the trap of wanting to change him.”

“Oh, for fucks sake!” she shouted throwing her arms in the air. Metropolis sounded great. Calm city, no targets, no Batshrinks to assume what she thinks or does. No crazy guys and no… who is she kidding, the shadows will follow. “I am not stupid, B. He is not fixable. Just like me. Or you. None of us gets better, that’s why we do what we do!”

He went silent and changed the subject. “About the ritual…”

“It went nowhere.”

“I think it cleared many things.”

“Magic doesn’t exist. I am just schizo or something.”

“Magic is real, Miranda. In this world it shouldn’t surprise you.”

“Are you finished? I have forums to find.”

“I’m trying to help.”

“Everyone tries to help, and nobody asks if I want it. I don’t. Get off my back.”

She stomped away like a small angry child. She wanted to blame her mood on a moon, or the period, or the fact she didn’t sleep two nights. She couldn’t. She was angry at her incompetence to find the fucker trying to kill her.

And maybe also Jonathan.

Fuck it all.

She just wanted to sleep.

***

That’s how Jonathan found her. Bend over her laptop, hell in her eyes, typing furiously a step away from punching the keyboard.

“Is this how you scare off customers?” he asked.

She nearly killed him with her stare. “Get out. Now.”

“That’s no way to greet guests.”

“I sweat to god, Jonathan, leave now. I have no control,” she snapped at him.

“Yes, I noticed. I will leave the talk for later.”

She turned her attention back to the laptop, hitting enter so hard it was a miracle it didn’t jump out.

“What are you searching?”

“Will you just shut up?”

Jonathan was not phased. He came here with semi-good intentions. Now she ruined it. She was confrontational before, but this was another level. He didn’t know what stressed her that much, but he hated this. Raw anger was disgusting and made his skin crawl. He despised the lack of self-control. Grandma used to be angry a lot, but never for the reason she claimed. And it was Jonathan who got hit by the fury.

That’s why he didn’t bother listening to Miranda. Her fury hurt, but not as deep as grandma’s.

He walked around the counter and looked over her shoulder. She stiffened. Jonathan would take a punch if necessary.

“What do you need bounty for?”

“None of your business.”

“This is not how you look for it,” he commented. “Let me.”

She watched his fingers run on the keyboard. He knew the site very well. He got paid many times through this and he also found many henchmen there. People in Gotham were willing to take money for anything.

“What are you looking for?”

She stared at him enraged.

“I am trying to help, Miranda.”

She scoffed and folded her arms on her chest.

“I wanna know who’s trying to kill me.”

So that’s what’s been eating her out. For a minute he thought he had something to do with this. Shame, he didn’t left much impact on her. “Let me see.”

He ran through the website. “You cannot find names here, just information. But I know a guy who knows a gal… you know how it is. Hm, the bounty on you is solid. I would be interested if I didn’t know better.”

“Do you ever get tired of listening to yourself?”

“Sometimes. I will get the name for you.”

“I can do it myself.”

“I don’t doubt that.” He closed the laptop and turned to her. “You need sleep.”

“I am…”

“Doctor’s order.”

“That bad, huh?”

Yeah, she really looked exhausted. Black circles under her eyes and tremble in one hand. She broke herself to avoid breaking herself. He wondered whether the bounty was only thing that bothered her, but he didn’t ask. She will spill the beans eventually, she had talent for going straight to the point.

“Yes,” he answered.

“I cannot sleep, they…”

“Nobody will hurt you, I’ll take care of it.”

“Unless you do it.”

He sighed. He was a fiend. Fucked up in the head. But he wasn’t this. Using visible weakness was tempting but breaking them strong had more appeal. He wanted to help. He liked her fighting spirit, not this.

“You don’t need to trust me. But you do need sleep.”

Miranda shook uncomfortably and surrendered. “Fine. I will go home and have a rest. Your out of character care convinced me.”

“Let me take you there.”

She looked at him resignation in her eyes. “You mean it?”

“Yes.”

That’s how he ended up sitting on her couch, reading her disturbing collection of slushy romance and watching her over as she collapsed on her bed with silent ding.

***

This was embarrassing. Miranda got up early in the morning feeling much better just to find Jonathan sleeping in her living room. Good way to get them both killed, but also very awkward because she didn’t really believe he will stay there.

He looked almost innocent.

Why is everything in her life an almost?

Silently she moved to the kitchen to prepare quick breakfast for both. She tried to be as silent as possible but when she entered living room Jonathan was already up. Miranda didn’t know what to say so she just put the plate down.

“Do you feel better?” he asked after a minute has passed without a word.

“Yes,” she warmed her hands on a cup of tea. “Thank you, Jonathan. I snapped.”

“Do you do that often?”

“Yeah, I do. Some small shit goes wrong, I get angry and I start to make mistakes. That’s why I move places so often.”

He nodded. “Have you taken the pills I gave you?”

“No.” He left that without comment, but Miranda felt need to defend her decision. Did it really matter what he thinks? “I don’t trust you.”

“I don’t trust you either,” he agreed, “and we shouldn’t.”

This mutual agreement calmed her a little. They understood each other. “I owe you one.”

“You shouldn’t say that, or I will take you seriously.”

“You are right. I will owe you one if you get me the name.”

Jonathan smiled amused. “Miss Bradbury, we just talked about trust.”

“Business works differently.”

“You do not have sex with your business partners.”

“Says who?” she laughed, and he raised his eyebrows. “I’m just kidding. Maybe.”

“Anyways,” he continued with coldness in his voice – just a bit, she would almost miss it. “I will see what I can do. You take care of yourself, Miranda. And take your meds.”

“Sure, doc.”

***

Terry Borrows entered their shitty apartment with even shittier mood. Another day, another failed job hunt.

“I’m sorry, your crime record speaks against you.”

“Here you write you can’t stand loud noises. This work position is not for you.”

“Sorry, mate, not enough experience.”

“Are you Mexican?”

“We don’t hire killers.”

Terry collapsed in the armchair and sighed in frustration. You witness one fucking murder and you are fucked! You have to lower yourself to work for crime lords. Terry didn’t want to. They wanted some normal work without heavy machinery.

But no, the police still suspected them, so now they were unemployed, in debt and with eviction note on the table.

“Fuck this,” Terry said to the room. “Fuck it all!”

“You won’t suffer for long,” said a voice.

Terry jumped on their feet and turned around. Nobody was there. What? They searched the room with their eyes. Empty.

“Who said that?!”

Feeling of being watched crawled on their back. The room was lit and nobody else was there. Terry shook scared. They had to be hearing things. Nothing happened. Everything is fine.

They finally calmed down a bit although the tight chest, bound by nervousness, stayed. They’ll make coffee, and all will be fine.

Ding.

Terry froze.

Knife appeared on their neck and Terry screamed. Hand held their mouth.

“You do not fuck with death ghost, haven’t you heard, Terry?” whispered Banshee behind them. Terry whimpered ready for a pain and the end. “When you hear her come, you die.”

Tears ran on their face.

“I am a curious ghost, you know? I will let you talk. But you scream once and you die, Terry, understand?”

They nodded carefully not to cut their neck. Tight grip disappeared and a shove sent them on the ground. Terry turned. Over them stood a woman with scarf. The same one they’ve seen weeks back.

“Please, I…”

“Terry Borrows,” she said their name as if she was tasting it. “Who are you? You are not the League, or you’d find me right away. I don’t know you. Why do you want me dead?”

Terry felt their body tremble to the bone, but they felt like they are not there. The body wasn’t theirs. They focused only on her. She found them. She will kill them. Like she did to that guy before. No mercy. Their damn shitty life will be over.

“Speak!” she commanded.

Terry yelped and then unsure of what to say, tears started to pour from their eyes. The woman stood there, waiting, her stare ready to give them heart attack. Terry opened mouth several times, but shock wouldn’t let them speak so they looked like a fish out of water gasping for air.

Banshee put the knife to other hand and took out a gun.

“Please!” Terry finally managed. “I… I…” They couldn’t say it. She will kill them. “You…”

“Yes?”

“You ruined my life. Everyone… Everyone think I killed that guy! I got fired! The bill are crazy!”

“So you have money to pay for bounty and not for life, hm?”

Terry fell silent. How could they explain they got drunk and in revenge fit put out the bounty? And when they sobered up, they decided to leave it there and decided to run away or die trying without paying it?

“Sob story,” commented Banshee. “Your life turned bad, so you want to blame someone. I don’t do those. You fucked with wrong person.”

Terry closed their eyes.

“Oh no, not so easy. You take down the bounty first.”

“I can’t…”

“Excuse me?”

“I can’t do it from here. I can’t…”

Banshee frowned. Then she hid her gun and knife.

“You might have bought a day. Pull down the bounty. Don’t try to run. I will find you. I will…” just for a second she turned her gaze to corner and shook her head. “I will hunt you down. You better do what I say, and I might feel generous.”

Terry nodded fast.

“I will find you later.”

Terry sobbed a bit and their vision blurred. When they cleared the tears from their eyes, Banshee was gone.

***

Visiting Jonathan now was a lottery. Before she didn’t know what to expect but the options were limited. Now they grew and Miranda never knew what to prepare for. But what he started today, she wouldn’t foretold at all.

“We need to talk.”

She nearly choked on her drink. Talk? Now? Really? She took him for the type that will do things and when they stop being to his liking, he will just stop. No need to talk there.

“About what?” she cleared her throat.

“There are more things. Let me start with the simplest one. Did you find them?”

“Terry? Yes,” she nodded. “I have yet to kill them, but the bounty is off. For now.”

“I took you for hit first, ask question later kind of woman.”

“It depends. I needed to cancel the bounty. Terry doesn’t really bother me. Plus, I am sucker for helping poor. Kill, earn money, donate to charity sort of thing. Terry is in bad place. I might reconsider. I will see.”

“Interesting.”

“You are starting to scare me now with these comments.”

“Nervous, are you?”

“I didn’t expect any serious talks. What’s next?”

Jonathan smiled a little. “What are we doing?”

“You tell me. I don’t mind continuing with this. But I feel there is more in the air. I just don’t know what.”

“Can you even feel attachment, Miranda? Affection?”

“I don’t know. Can you?”

“I try not to.”

The words were said. They left her a lot to think about. Could she like him? Could she replace the common feeling she lacked with something? Loyalty maybe? Damn him and his stupid mind games. She liked him more when he fucked her in the backroom. No questions, no talks.

“Let’s not push anything, Jonathan. It’s not worth it.”

“I agree.”

Relief. Yes, it’s better not to overthink. Just let it flow, it will sort itself out eventually.

“Last thing.” He didn’t even stop to think. “You should take the pills.”

Miranda never opened the bottle. Reason stopped her. Possible consequences too. Jonathan could have lied. He wouldn’t poison her, just mess her up. Miranda, you wanted that, remember? But right now, that was low on her list. Shadows occupied the first five positions and she worried drugs would only worsen them.

“I don’t know what they will do,” she avoided saying the truth.

“I told you. They can awake your emotions.” He poured another drink just to put his hands to work. “Don’t you want that?”

Again, that weird idea she had – he also avoided something. Didn’t they just agree to let it flow? Damn him. “Maybe. But are you telling the truth? Remember the trust?”

“I do. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have a suggestion.”

“Your suggestions always end up either in a fight or sex.”

“I would like to avoid both tonight.”

“Now I am curious,” she laughed.

“I’ll take it first.”

She fell silent. That was… unexpected. She never heard of psychiatrist just suggesting that. Then again, she never fucked her shrinks. This was also the first time she has became a pet project. Somehow she felt she needs to accept just to make him happy. And to bring herself to trust him. Enforce the bound.

She would rather go for that fuck now.

Aaaagh, think, Miranda! Is this a game again? What will be the consequences? Can you even afford consequences when the ghosts are following?

“Are you okay taking your own medicine?” she asked.

“I test it on myself sometimes when I am sure there are no side effects. If I wasn’t sure, I wouldn’t have suggested it. I want you to trust the meds. Not just my word.”

“Okay. I think I would like that.”

“I just have to warn you. I talk way too much when drugged,” he joked.

“All you say will be used against you hundred percent. Just so you know the risk.”

“It’s worth it.”

“Enough of this sentiment,” she grinned with arms folded. It made her think, she hated that. She felt she could get attached, if the ghosts just left her alone. “I still have them, if you want to do it now.”

“Are you just carrying them around?”

“Have you never heard of woman’s purse?”

“And its never-ending space?”

“Yes!”

Jonathan laughed a little. “Yes, I am willing.”

Miranda was still unsure, but she fetched the medication. Questions ran through her head. Manipulation was one of them. Be wary of the good doctor. The good doctor is a freak. Shadows hoovered at the back of the room and silently agreed.

She needs them gone!

Jonathan accepted the bottle and just took one pill. So simple. Hard evidence that he didn’t give her anything bad. He handed her the bottle back.

“Did you test this one before?” Miranda asked.

“Yes.”

“Do you keep composure?”

“Partially. It doesn’t change your thinking, it just mixes your emotions. Often positively but not always.”

“Okay.”

They didn’t talk for a while. Miranda was waiting for anything to happen. Jonathan just rested in his chair. At one point he frowned and clenched his fists, but that was it.

“You make it look easy,” said Miranda.

“It’s just uncomfortable since you are watching.”

“I noticed. You don’t like people, do you?”

“Are you using the talking against me, Miranda?”

“Yes,” she grinned. “Spill the beans, Jonathan.”

He scoffed. “No, I don’t like people. They always turn on you, always hate you. There is no good. All is just façade helping them to get something from you.”

“That’s fucked up.”

“I never met anyone who wouldn’t use me. Did you?”

“I am a tool.”

“See,” he said victoriously.

“Is that…” she waved her hand a bit. Jonathan gave her weird stare, but the ghost disappeared. “Why you don’t like being touched?”

Jonathan rested his head on his hand. “No, you misunderstood. I like getting touched just like any other man.”

“So, what’s the deal?”

He really tried to hold himself together but little tick here and there and foot tapping gave away his rising emotions. Annoyance? Excitement? She couldn’t tell.

“My grandma was a fanatic. Religious zealot. She…” he reached for a glass and drank away the sore throat. “When she didn’t like something, she decided to shun the devil away.”

Jonathan fell silent, nervous ticks more often. He avoided eye contact. That was a first. He always held it over her like a weapon and now he was looking anywhere but at her.

“She’d close me in the old church. And the crows there would attack me. She trained them like dogs. Pecked meat of the body.”

Now it was her who shivered.

“So,” she said, “lanky and scarred.”

He raised his eyes with spark of anger.

“That’s what you don’t like. Being seen,” she concluded. “I just thought you were kinky. You are not really into unconscious ladies.”

“No.”

“You could just turn off the light.”

“The feel is still there. You can recognize the scars by touching them.”

Miranda scratched her head awkwardly. “You go to great lengths just to hide that. Just… it’s all fucked up, sorry.”

He shrugged but looked out of windows. Miranda felt like shit. She opened the can of worms and now they were crawling everywhere, and she tried to pick them one by one. Say something, girl. Can’t you see this is your only chance to pry?

“Are you okay, Jonathan?”

“No,” he answered.

“I will leave you alone.”

She was ready to leave. “No, please, stay,” he stopped her and reached his hand to her. She hesitated for a second. They cannot be saved. They cannot be changed. Nothing in this world will fix whatever they became and why they became it didn’t matter.

She just sat next to him, held his hand and let him suffer in silence

Next chapter

[artificialqueens]

i don't want to be alone anymore (branjie) -- frenchy

a/n: hi hi!! i want to thank you all for the love on my first part of this story, i appreciate that more than you know!!! i decided to give it a second part, though both can be read on their own. & yes i am running this billy joel song title theme with the names. ps. i can be found at alaskathunder on tumblr & also now at frenchys on ao3, where these will end up eventually, along with others, i definitely plan to write more things & pairings soon. hope y'all enjoy, angels!! <3

@Bhytes1: @VanessaVanjie I’m going to Starbucks you want something?

*****

Brooke wasn’t sure how they did it, how they proceeded to shamelessly flirt online as if their private kiss hadn’t even happened only a few nights ago. If it wasn’t for the video evidence, she could have sworn that entire night was a fever dream. Part of her almost wished that she didn’t remember it so vividly, that the way Vanessa touched her and kissed her with no audience wasn’t so detailed in her head. Wished she didn’t have to stop herself from smiling when she remembered it.

It was one thing remembering and thinking about the kiss – she couldn’t change that that happened, and that she didn’t stop it. If anything, she wanted it. She knew it was partly on her for leaning into it, and for getting upset that it hadn’t lasted even longer. She couldn’t blame Vanessa for that. But she could blame Vanessa for what she said.

“At some point we have to quit pretending like this is only for the fans.”

If Brooke thought she was over analyzing these social media interactions before, she was even more fucked now. She only assumed this is how the fans felt on the daily, trying to decipher everything, trying to figure out if this was all Vanessa playing into the contract or using it to hint at how she really felt. How she still felt.

It was futile to put any music on as she took her time getting into drag for the viewing party tonight, where she’d be joining Phi Phi O’hara in a screening of episode 5 – the Monster Ball. No attempts at turning up said music could stop her mind from being only focused on Vanessa, on the moment they shared, on the fact that she had to spend another night reliving the honeymoon phase of their relationship on a giant screen in front of an audience.

Just as Brooke anticipated, it was rough. No. Rough was an understatement. She was conscious of how often she gazed dreamily into the screen, star-eyed. Watching them kiss, and comfort each other, and not be able to predict their fate.

She didn’t expect anyone else to notice, too.

“Can I ask you something? Without you getting defensive?” Phi Phi asked after the episode and Brooke’s consequent performance, standing against the closed dressing room door. She kept her distance, her prodding question accompanied by a sensitive color in her voice. Brooke knew she was trying her best to sound open minded, borderline empathetic.

Brooke sighed. “Shoot,” she encouraged the other queen, but didn’t look up. Phi Phi’s second question was enough to warn her that this wouldn’t be a lighthearted conversation.

“If it wasn’t for the fans. Or the publicity, or the ratings, or the – you get the point,” Phi Phi cut herself off, presuming that Brooke heard enough synonyms. “Would you care?”

Brooke stopped fiddling with her bobby pin, blinking up at Phi Phi through the mirror. “What do you mean?”

“Would you be able to stop all this weird, mysterious twitter stuff tomorrow and not give it a second thought?” Phi Phi wasn’t sure if Brooke was just deflecting, or if she was really that far removed from reality and genuinely needed the simplifying. “Not miss him in your life?” At the use of ‘him’, Brooke knew this was deeper than just not having Vanjie as a fellow queen and friend. “I know it’s none of my business, but if you could see what I saw – the way you watched that episode out there tonight – you’d be asking the same thing.” Phi Phi shrugged, and Brooke hated her for it. She hated how easily Phi Phi could get into her head and understand. Worst of all, she hated how Phi Phi saw it her duty to confront Brooke about it. Maybe she’d thank her in the future, but for now she was brimming with frustration.

“I don’t know. I don’t know, okay?” Another sigh, this one inspired by her own irritation and defeat. “One second we’re flirting and both understanding that we need to stop it before it goes too far. The next we’re –” Brooke stopped, closing her eyes as to stop herself from admitting to Phi Phi what went down the other night. Was it even a big deal? As big as she was clearly making it in her own mind?

“You’re…?” Phi Phi lifted an eyebrow, coaxing Brooke’s frustrated rant. Feelings could be spared for the truth.

Brooke took a deep breath, steadying herself, hands planted onto the table. “We kissed. Like, actually kissed. And I don’t know what her intentions are.”

“Well, I recommend figuring that out. Maybe talk to her? You guys are clearly not on awful terms, how hard could that be?” Phi Phi pressed.

You have no idea, Brooke thought. “Yeah, I’ll try. Thanks, girl,” Brooke smiled at Phi Phi, hoping her appreciation was evident.

*****

She was thrilled to finally share the photos taken of her Monster Ball looks, looks that proved successful in the challenge. She was especially thrilled at the comments regarding her final look, the one that she had fabricated herself. A storm of tulle and black fabric, off the shoulder, with a snake wrapped tastefully around her neck. The more she looked at it, the more critical, but she would defend her win.

She scrolled through the comments, smiling at the sufficient compliments and praise. How would she ever stop being appreciative of everyone who appreciated her back?

Her finger stopped scrolling upon seeing Vanessa’s Instagram handle, a blue check verifying it wasn’t a fan account.

@vanessavanjie: Put my snake around ya neck

She didn’t know whether to like it, comment some orange heart emojis and move on or to roll her eyes after what had happened the other night.

She chose a third option.

If Vanjie wants to keep playing this, then fine. I’ll play along, she thought before hitting send on the comment.

@bhytes: @vanessavanjie haven’t we already done that?

Brooke barely had time to think about the repercussions of her remark before she received a text, shocked at the speed at which Vanessa saw the comment.

Vanjie: Careful there Brooky Poo

Vanjie: Don’t want anyone getting the wrong idea

Brooke felt her heart rate speed up with no gradual increase, immediately beating fast enough to shatter through her rib-cage and land across the room only upon reading Vanessa’s messages. She took a deep breath and typed, then retyped her message a few times, wondering if Vanessa was watching the dots disappear and reappear. Wondering if it was killing her just as much as it was Brooke. When did they turn into giddy teenagers again, instead of professionals with a common goal?

Brooke: What if i do?

She decided against adding a winking face to the end of her reply, but it didn’t stop her from immediately locking her phone and throwing it to her side. God, she needed a cigarette. And maybe a cold shower now. She’d revisit that idea depending on what her phone read next.

As if on cue, she heard the buzz of the phone ring through the bed. She took a minute to gather herself – or prepare herself was maybe the better way to put it. With a reluctance she could only blame on her fear of misunderstanding, Brooke let her hand approach her phone again. It was silly, she thought, how she could fear misunderstanding Vanessa’s intentions even after her initiation of the kiss making it fairly clear how she felt about them.

Vanjie: Oh

Two minutes ago. Brooke tried to ignore the way her heart dropped at the one-word answer; one she couldn’t even see herself replying to in a way that made sense. Maybe it was best left there, and Vanessa really was just adding a playful comment that held no substance.

She was moments away from plugging her phone in for the night and setting it aside with an air of defeat, when it buzzed in her hand. A message from Vanessa. She held her breath as she slid to open it.

Vanjie: You home?

She never exhaled quicker, and never replied quicker, either.

Brooke: Text me when you’re here.

Brooke couldn’t have anticipated what came over her to make her invite Vanessa to come over, if not beg her to come, following her last text with a sharing of her location and hotel room number. All she could do was thank the universe that they were in the same city, which was rare considering their consistent interviews, appearances and performances.

She didn’t think she had been this nervous about something since they first began seeing each other, minus possibly the night that the cast was revealed. And deep within she knew that perhaps her nerves were fruitless – what guaranteed that she and Vanessa would even do anything beyond talk? She wouldn’t dare get her hopes up based on an Instagram comment that was no different than their usual flirt-mance. But she also knew that she had to take this opportunity to confront this, whatever it was.

It wasn’t long before she heard a faint, yet urgent, knock on the door, though it felt like forever. Rolling her eyes, Brooke made her way to the door to the room, opening it with a look of counterfeit annoyance. “I told you to text me when you got here, bitch.”

“Shut up,” Vanessa was quiet, fondness diminishing the harshness of her words. “Can I come in or not?”

Brooke stepped aside, allowing Vanessa to pass her and enter the dimly lit hotel room. Brooke watched her for a moment, so caught up in the way she smelled and the way her hat sat backwards on her head in the most endearing way possible that she almost forgot to close the door.

“Don’t forget to put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ sign out,” Vanessa called behind her, laughing to herself before taking a seat on the edge of the bed, looking up at Brooke, who followed her into the larger area. Vanessa’s laugh didn’t linger after seeing Brooke’s humorless expression. “I was kidding.”

“You have no idea how hard it was, Vanjie, to watch that episode up there. Phi Phi actually clocked me, y’know. The way I looked at you up there. No doubt some of the fans did, too. It was the hardest thing. You don’t even know.”

“You think I wasn’t watching the same episode? I never said it was easy for me, Brooke,” Vanessa didn’t let her continue, nor did she let the incredulous laugh leave her lips, in fear of making Brooke more upset. “I don’t like watching it either.”

“I think I’m confused,” Brooke didn’t mean to change the topic so abruptly, but this had been bugging her for days. “This was your idea. It was your idea to take a break – said you knew the ‘pressures that came with TV’,” Brooke’s immediate dive into the deep end caught Vanessa off guard. If she knew that her visit would turn into her own interrogation, she would have stayed home. “You were the one who said this wouldn’t work, Jose,” Brooke stood her ground, arms folded across her chest. Vanessa didn’t like the way she looked down upon her. Cringed at the way her real name was used. “Why the change of heart?”

“It’s not a change of heart,” Vanessa countered, eyes lit with a newfound boldness. “It’s the… same heart, just. Tired of hiding it. Which, we can keep doing it, we don’t gotta tell anyone anything. But, B,” she stood then, moving to take hold of Brooke’s hands, forcing her to uncross her arms. “I’m not a fan of us lying to ourselves, to each other.”

“Yeah? And when you tweet another flirty reply or comment something on my next live, then what? I’m not a fan of not being able to tell the real from the fake.”

“Tell me this is fake,” Vanessa was calm when she said it, her words and the way she slid her hand to the back of Brooke’s neck serving as the only preparation for the way she brought their lips together. Brooke couldn’t act surprised, like she didn’t anticipate this after their texts and intuition that what happened in that office wasn’t a one-off thing. Her expectation helped her react faster this time, without letting Vanessa end the moment before Brooke had a chance to take action. It was a much necessary continuation of what they didn’t get to finish prior to Vanessa’s performance.

Her frustration, her passion, her longing all charged Brooke into flipping their positions, hands on Vanessa’s shoulders as she held the shorter man against the wall she had been leaning against, prompting a whimper to pass between them from Vanjie’s lips. This was no sweet reunion kiss, but one that had been months in the making.

Brooke could feel Vanessa’s smile after they parted, nothing but heat in the space between them (or lack thereof), their lips still phantoms on each other. “I’m waiting,” she whispered against Brooke’s lips, all victorious smiles. “Tell me.”

“Didn’t you already try this the other day?” Brooke didn’t return her smile, but Vanessa could hear it in her voice.

“Worked, didn’t it?” She carded her hand through the barely-there hair at the back of Brooke’s neck, oblivious to how badly Brooke wanted to kiss that damn smirk off her face. “All you been thinking about, isn’t it? Our kiss?” Brooke tried to step back, though she still felt Vanessa’s hand on her, the other one now coming up to rest on Brooke’s waist. “Shit, I gotta say, though, I think I liked this one better.”

“Yeah?” Brooke cursed herself for the teasing spirit in her voice, but for some reason, she couldn’t help it. Something about Vanessa was electrifying, intoxicating her even after a year. Kicking all her resolve and purpose under the hotel carpet.

“Mhmm,” Vanjie’s eyes lay heavy-lidded, her hunger telling through her gaze. Brooke knew due to her makeup-free face that her bedroom eyes weren’t painted on deliberately. She also knew that she held the same ache in her own body, wondered if her own eyes were as teasing as her voice. “You wanna Instagram live this or somethin’?”

Brooke found herself laughing more at the way Vanessa’s suggestive voice didn’t match her sarcastic question rather than the implication itself. “Oh, fuck off,” she laughed under her breath, swatting Vanjie’s chest as gently as possible, her hand lingering there. They both glanced down at the contact, reminding Brooke of the way their eyes had been jointly fixed on Vanessa’s hand in the room at the club, mindlessly tracing patterns into Brooke’s leg. But there was somehow more tension now, the tension only slightly more comfortable than it had been before. Less fear, but just as much caution and the question of ‘What are we doing?’ not yet obsolete.

It was Brooke who leaned in first this time with little hesitance, hand spreading out more against Vanessa’s chest, twisting delicately in her shirt. Her kisses transferred from lips, to cheek, to jaw, then placing open mouthed kisses along the shorter queen’s neck, evoking a throaty moan above her.

“C’mere,” Brooke wondered if she only imagined the rasped whisper, and she blinked back up at Vanessa, who looked desperate. Brooke noted the way her tattoo was coated red under the flush on her neck and chest, only the top of it visible from under her black T-shirt. She noted the way Vanessa’s breathing was ragged. She looked so fucked, so in disarray, and they hadn’t even taken their shirts off yet.

Brooke’s stomach knotted at just the suggestion that she had that power.

Vanessa pulled her back up, hands coming to hold the sides of Brooke’s face and kissing her with a passion that they hadn’t yet reached before. It was a kiss that guaranteed to Brooke that this wasn’t a convenient fuck, or make out, or just Vanessa feeling lonely.

“I have a flight tonight,” Brooke broke between their kiss and their gasping for breath. “God, I’d give anything to stay here. You know that, right?” She studied Vanjie’s eyes, needed to know that Vanessa understood her intentions. She’d rather do anything than have to look at the pout she looked at now on Vanessa’s face.

“You could stay. What’s one flight?” Vanessa whined, pressing kisses along Brooke’s jaw, her knee pushing between the other’s legs. “I miss you,” she breathed against Brooke’s ear, arms enveloping the taller man.

“You know it’s not that easy. This isn’t stuff we can put off, not like we put off each other. I wish I didn’t have to leave you.”

Vanessa sighed and slumped back against the wall, a hand coming up to run through her hair after the other had lifted her hat off. The broken connection between Vanessa’s flushed face and body, and her disappointed expression, broke Brooke’s heart more than she thought it would.

“That’s cool. I said what I said, and I know now that you’re not so innocent yourself, Miss Brooke Lynn, just like I said so,” Vanessa pointed a finger into Brooke’s chest accusingly, her eyes sparkling with warmth. “Who’s right again? Miss Vanessa Vanjie Isabella Mateo Hytes. Bam!” With a snap of her fingers, Vanessa pulled away from Brooke’s grasp, sliding against the wall she had been held against and back towards the door. Brooke watched her gather her things – her phone, only.

“Where are you going?”

Vanessa turned back around, puzzled. “You said you got a flight tonight. I can’t come with you.”

Brooke mimicked Vanjie’s pout from before, sitting herself down on the side of the bed and extending her arms. “You said you missed me. You made it very clear. My flight’s not until later tonight. You can stay. Until then, I mean. I want you to.”

And who was Vanessa to refuse that invitation.

[transkieran]

anyway, guarma & colm-odriscoll-is-my-daddy (& friends) think abusive ships are a funny way to get under someone’s skin

JUST FYI: I woulda had this conversation in private, but @guarma keeps calling Erin a bitch with a god-complex, even though everything she accuses Erin of is something I did, and she refuses to acknowledge me. So no more private, she called me a pussy for not confronting her. Well here's the confront ig!

background context: people decided to start shitting on the Yehaw Function server again in another server (let’s say ‘A’ bc I do not wish to drag the owner into this, they were rarely online). @ssupeck21 thought it was perfectly fine to mock the gender and race of a two-spirited native trans guy. nice transphobia and racism there! 

considering i remarked on it, they realized i knew him and suspected me of leaking the above screenshot to the YF server. i had already left this server at the end of february over several reasons, including erin’s server becoming my main one. i’m also reasonably sure i have mentioned no longer being in YF at some point. damage done: kate (guarma) and pongo ( @colm-odriscoll-is-my-daddy ) now think i’m “a spy” for YF. (ironic because @ssupeck21 let @jennyxbeans into erin’s server bc she was spying for jenn. and more irony later)

as proven in DM to someone later (oh no, a spied image?), they had the amazing idea to bait me and erin with something that is a massive trigger for me (bully/victim ships). some weirdness: by that time, i’d only made about 2 b/k posts on my blog, neither of which mentioned my trauma i’m pretty sure. erin meanwhile, wasn’t even in the original convi from the first screenshot, though she has mentioned she finds b/k gross. 

so whilst this in its entirety is already immature in itself (really? you think someone is sending screenshots and wanna get ‘revenge’ when you constantly rely on getting screenshots yourself? yes i know someone leaked you screenshots of YF, kate). but also: for someone who talked about being abused and having anxiety, she should know better than use an abusive ship to get back at someone. because i’m 99% sure she knows b/k is a trigger for me; whilst not on my blog, i have had plenty of rants and vents in servers about how b/k is not good for my mental health and that it will make me panic. 

conversation #1 (i do not have screenshots of this): someone asked what everyone’s ships are in rdr2. bill/kieran gets mentioned, at some point i put rooWut (a disgusted looking emote) and remark something about abusive gay ships being cute to them. it gets glossed over, i leave. 

conversation #2. the conversation moves to the nsfw channel, where they pin the message in the above screenshot. ha ha , bully/victim ships are a funny joke! conversation moves on to arthur and other things until Pongo clearly feels like she wants to force a reaction out of me and/or erin. (living dead girl is erin, i am dan’s achy breaky heart).

at this point, my anxiety spikes and i put something along the lines of “my fist up your ass would look cute” in the vent chat of Erin’s server. NSFW with b/k is not good for me, at all. it made me flashback to something, i’m basically just trying to not have a panic attack. but ! ofc , why stop now. 

pongo makes another comment, now not under a spoiler tag and clearly with the context of the DM to get another reaction out of me. erin puts a completely unrelated image to try and divert the conversation, because i’m like entirely losing it at this point---but kate and pongo think it’s hilarious to talk about actually shipping it and kate (micah bell’s dumb hair in the screenshots) is all “omg i wanna write a smut now for them”. 

also: my nickname in this server includes ‘trans kieran’ at this point , either as just my url or like “lion ♡ trans kieran”. they all know i am a gay trans guy, even if some of them currently like to pretend they don’t know me. (hi, @morlawny who doesn’t even wanna say my name at this point despite being all nice in erin’s server.)

i can’t entirely remember my own message, nor do i have screenshots of it because i send it and left and they deleted it like straight after it seems (because an older screenshot, from the day itself, also didn’t have my message anymore). i left because at that point, i lost all ability to think straight. because someone can remark on b/k before and they’ll still be all “ha ha funny!”

at this point, in erin’s server, two things happen. one friend of kate, who isn’t in the server this happened in, asks if she ships bill/kieran and kate admits her plan to just trigger me. because of this, kate starts acting like the victim and making me out like the bad guy who’s shittalking her and refuses to talk to her--which, during a panic attack and with my feelings very clear, i don’t need to. 

secondly, another friend of kate decides my trauma is funny and starts to send kate (on request) screenshots of the vent conversation in erin’s server, starting from the goddamn my fist up your ass comment. the conversation also includes details of my trauma. my trauma is being send around like gossip. 

also this happens in the server i left and i get send it: 

i dunno what planet anyone is living on but, apparently my melt down was only good for one thing: getting mocked. “kieran’s coochie” is transphobic as fuck when you’re laughing at a trans guy getting upset over bill/kieran. especially when it’s very clear i hc kieran as trans. yet, pongo, wolfy ( @soulheartthewolf ) and kate seem to think it’s fucking hilarious. 

kate and pongo then try to play the “we were just joking!” card. when everyone i’ve had read those screenshots agrees nothing about it reads as a joke, and we’re now very sure they weren’t joking about, they were being vile and malicious. (but hey, what’s to expect from someone who says they’d fuck a fictional racist if he was real! that’s ... excusing racism, kate).  

(guarma is micah bell? you mean my husband ;; pongo is arthur morgan is an incel. the other person is the artist who drew young micah, idk their url anymore)

“my mocking of the Bill/Kieran ship” I’m so sorry, Kate, but nothing about nsfw b/k and wanting to write a fic about it, reads as mocking. This entire “it’s just a joke!” doesn’t diminish the fact that you triggered a panic attack. Yes, I shittalked you, because I felt like it was goddamn deserved for "joking” about an abusive ship in a way that didn’t read as a joke. because after I left neither of you got the damn hint and just went straight for the transphobia. It’s not get together and hate guarma, it’s “lion has a panic attack and will actually react insanely aggressively about the things that upset him”. You can turn and twist this into you being the victim all you want, but you ain’t. You’re a pathetic example of a 19 year old who thinks it’s funny to trigger flashbacks and panic attacks. I didn’t talk to you, because at the time the only thing I would’ve probably said, which is also what I’m saying now, is: go shove an entire cactus up your ass, you pathetic cunt of a human being. 

Leave Erin out of this, it’s goddamn hilarious you keep going after a cis bi woman instead of after me, a gay trans guy, and god I fucking wonder why. 

You interact with people who think they can just be racist and transphobic towards anyone they like ( @ssupeck21 ), with people who’ll willing send you all the screenshots you want, with people who send anon hate ( @jennyxbeans ), you’re treating trauma and abuse like a joke and then have the gal to be all “i’d never because i have anxiety!” No. Own up to your shit. 

(I could go on in this post about how she’s just as bad a shittalking, leaked screenshot-wanting piece of shit but hey, the post is very long already so whatever). 

edit: i have deleted screenshot leaking accusations towards morlawny bc i can’t actually prove them but i’m keeping up the thing where you decided to be all nice to me in servers, but then turned around and were all “idk kate didn’t say any of that” (i literally know u were there for those conversations, your name in screenshots!) and tried to defend her constantly in a DM with someone. 

[princesweetpea]

I Found | Sweet Pea x Aurora Jones (oc)

All Chapters Here

Chapter: Six

Warnings: Mentions of violence, brief mentions of physical abuse, brief mentions of sexual abuse, mentions of substance abuse.

READ IT ON AO3

          Rory laid in her bed for two hours after Sweet Pea walked out of her trailer, mentally beating herself up and screaming curses into the empty air. What the hell is wrong with me? Why did I do that? She felt so disgusted with herself, and by the fact that he had initiated it in the first place. Did he though? I reached up his shirt… Her eyes wandered to the window. It was dark out now; she had barely felt time move. She glanced at her alarm clock on the counter: eight o’clock. She sighed.

           A knock on the door broke her out of her self-deprecation. Maybe Sweet Pea was here to yell at her for what they did or to tell her that it would never happen again, which she would wholeheartedly agree with. Even though it was unarguably the best sex I’ve ever had… Another knock sounded on the metal door. She shook the thought out of her head as she grabbed her dark green silk robe and pulled it onto her body before heading toward the door. She took a deep breath before opening it, and there stood Mambo, which surprised her. His eyes were red and puffy, his face streaked with semi-dry tears and blood still on his face from earlier that day.

           “Mambo, how did you get here?” He narrowed his eyes at her and dead-panned at the same time.

           “I walked,” he stated flatly, walking up the steps as he pushed past her to get into the camper. Rory cocked her head to herself with her tongue in her cheek, mumbling a sarcastic, ‘Please, come in.’ He ignored her, striding over to one of the armchairs, throwing his uniform coat on the floor. “Nice place. Very bohemian.” She smiled at his comment.

           “Jughead said the same thing,” She chuckled, walking over to the sink to wet a cloth before handing it to him so he could wipe the blood and dirt from his face. “How did you know where I lived?”

           “Peter.” He shrugged.

           “He let you walk here by yourself?”

           “I’m not twelve anymore, Rory,” He groaned, laying his head back. “And for the record, he tried to come along and have Lara drive us. I left while he was grabbing his letterman. I’m shocked that he hadn’t called you.” Rory gave him a disapproving look before padding over to her phone. She had three missed calls, two voicemails, and seven messages from him. Her phone had been on silent. She sheepishly hugged the robe tighter around her.

           “You shouldn’t have walked. It’s dark out, and we’re in the southside now. I don’t know what all you know, but Riverdale isn’t safe anymore.” She warned him solemnly. He waved her off.

           “I know how to defend myself,” he said as he pulled out a switchblade, waving it in the air back and forth a couple of times before setting it on the small table between the two armchairs. Rory’s eyes widened, and before she could speak, he added, “Don’t scold me. I had to, in a place like Seaside.”

           “What the hell happened to you, Nicky?” She asked, trying her best to keep her horror out of her tone.

           “I grew up,” he began. “I’ve gone through a lot of shit. But I’m not ready to tell you what happened to me.” He shrugged and turned his head to stare out a window. Yes, he had grown up. Since the day Mambo was sent to that school in Seaside three years prior, Rory went down every rabbit hole she could find to dig up information on it, or maybe even some dirt that she could show to her parents to force them to bring him home. However, no matter where or what she searched online, nothing ever came up. It was as if the school didn’t even exist.

           She sighed and plopped down onto the chair adjacent her brother. “I’ll be here whenever you are, though. Don’t ever forget that I’m always in your corner. I always have been.” Rory stated, trying to catch his eyes. He simply nodded, seeming to be in deep thought. He suddenly turned to face her.

           “It smells like sex in here.” He stated simply. Rory’s eyes widened and her cheeks began to heat up.

           “No… It doesn’t.” She tried to play it off.

           “Okay, but it does.”

           “How do you even know what sex smells like?” She questioned him with narrowed eyes. He slow grin crept onto his face as he turned his head to face the window again. “Nicholas!”

           “It wasn’t an all-boys school, you know,” He shrugged, his grin going wider. Rory groaned, putting her head in her hands. “Can I stay here tonight? And possibly longer?” He was so quick to change the subject, though it didn’t seem that he was embarrassed or anything.

           “You can stay as long as you’d like. There’s an air mattress rolled up in the cabinet,” He nodded at her as he stood and walked to the cupboard she was pointing at. On his way, he stopped to examine one of the bookshelves, picking up a set of tarot cards. “This was mom’s camper from when she was a teenager. Most of this stuff is hers.”

           “I recognize these,” He nodded, flipping through the deck. Rory cocked her head at him curiously. “They were in some pictures she showed me, like from when she was pregnant with you and Peter.”

           “Oh.” Rory simply nodded at him, though she had never seen the pictures he was talking about. They talked for a few more hours, from everything that Mambo had missed since being sent away, to the musical and Midge’s death, and then they stopped on their mother.

           “How… how did it happen?” He asked softly. Rory shifted uncomfortably. He had just found out about her death today. God, this is so fucked up.

           “Are you sure?” She asked, and he nodded slightly after a moment of thinking. “She was… run over. But by people themselves. Trampled to death. On riot night.” She cleared her throat. Tears stung at her eyes but she quickly blinked them away. He nodded again, slower this time as he processed the information.

           “Was she still using?” Mambo asked tentatively. Rory’s breath hitched and she shrugged. “Told you she was done right?” He rolled his eyes knowingly. The siblings were all too familiar with their mother’s drug abuse cycle. She’d frequently use, made it obvious, but then lie and tell them that she had stopped. “I’m surprised that that isn’t how she bowed out, honestly.” He said harshly. The comment stung, but Rory agreed. By the time Rory looked at the clock again, it was almost midnight.

           “I’m going to take a quick shower before bed. Do you want to go ahead and set up the air mattress while I’m in there?” Rory asked, picking up her pajamas before striding toward the tiny bathroom at the back of the camper. “There’s also snacks in the pantry, and a few different drinks in the mini fridge.” Mambo nodded in acknowledgement and moved to the floor to assemble his sleeping arrangement.

           Rory stepped into the shower and let the hot water cascade down her body. She sighed in contentment, feeling today’s stress and shame wash off of her, along with the remnants of Sweet Pea’s touch. She immediately felt anger surge through her, both for Sweet Pea and herself, as she washed her hair. She truly hated him. He wasn’t even mildly irritating; he was so much worse. She felt nauseated. She grabbed her soapy loofah and roughly scrubbed her body for what seemed like hours. She sat down and brought her knees to her chest and stated that way for a while. After rinsing away her regret, she stepped out of the shower and toweled off. She could hear her small television on in the other room. When she opened the door, however, Mambo was nowhere to be seen.

           “Mambo?” There was no answer. “Nick?” She looked out the window over her counter and saw him sitting on the ground in front of her camper, a small fire burning in front of him in a makeshift fire pit he must have constructed. She carefully stepped over the air mattress and tip-toed outside. She gasped. His head snapped over to meet her surprised eyes as he was removing a Black Devil cigarette from behind his ear.

           “I thought you’d be in there a little longer… I didn’t mean for you to find out this way.” He sighed, continuing to light the end of the cigarette and inhale. She just watched him, having a hard time seeing her once innocent baby brother smoking in front of her. She selfishly wished it were pot, because at least it wouldn’t be killing him the more he did it. How often did he do this? Does he smoke weed too?

           “Didn’t mean for me to find out this way, or not at all?” She asked flatly. He smiled sheepishly back at her as he slowly let out a cloud of smoke. “A lot has changed.” She exhaled.

           “More than you know,” he chuckled bitterly. She frowned at his comment, but didn’t push it any further, knowing that she would get the same answer from earlier. He shifted uncomfortably under her gaze. The moonlight bounced off of the remaining half of the sleek black cigarette before he pressed it into the ground to put it out. She raised an eyebrow at him. “I didn’t do that for you, just so you know. It’s just too cold out here.” He shrugged, gesturing to his bare torso before standing up, then proceeding to kick dirt over the fire and walked back inside. Rory rolled her eyes and followed him in.

           He was surprisingly already in bed, but without a blanket or a pillow. She walked over to her cabinets and pulled a fluffy blanket and pillow out before throwing them at him. He mumbled his thanks and turned off the television. She flopped down onto her bed and pulled the comforter up to her chin and closed her eyes. Just as she was ready to drift off, Mambo’s voice broke through the silence of the camper.

           “I think I’m ready.”

           “What?” Rory asked.

           “I’m ready to tell you what happened to me. I think,” He explained quietly. She turned to face him on the floor, propping herself up on her elbow. “Yes, I’m sure,” He rolled his eyes, seeming to read her mind.

           “Okay, whenever you’re ready.”

           “All of this,” he began, gesturing to himself. “I swear, it was not my choice. I used to be so kind.” He always had a flair for the dramatics whenever he spoke.

           “I know you were. Why aren’t you now?” Rory smiled weakly at him.

           “Because the best way not to get your heart broken is to pretend you don’t have one,” he shrunk a little, but there was no emotion in his voice. “To be fair, you haven’t even seen my bad side yet. Rory, I need you to be patient with me. Reflecting on the past has no real substance to me, but a lot of pain, both emotional and physical.” Rory winced a little when he said the word physical. She didn’t know if she was ready to hear this now. She thought she was, but if he’s been hurt, she didn’t know what she would do.

           “If you keep ignoring your emotions like this, you will eventually break down.” She stated carefully.

           “While that’s unfortunate, I need to tell you what happened to me, so I guess I can pay attention do them at another time,” he smiled weakly, his eyes dim. “My time at Seaside Correctional School was… the absolute worst experience of my entire life, thus far. Even worse than finding out that mom died. They abused us. They abused me the most, it seemed. More than just emotionally, or physically. It got worse… One of them tried to… They tried.” He emphasized, and his eyes got dark. Rory blinked. Surely not. Surely… Surely not. “That was the first time… The first time I really hurt someone, Rory.” She tried her best to keep her expression neutral.

           “What did you do, Mambo?”

           “I got this,” he started, pulling his switchblade from under his pillow and flipping it between his fingers, “a couple days prior. Some of the other kids would somehow smuggle in cigarettes and other contraband. I traded two packs of Black Devils for it after I was tired of being smacked around and no other adult believing me. One morning, one of the orderlies came in to start my electroconvulsive therapy. He was different from the lady that usually did it, but things were never the same all the time at that place so I didn’t question it. This guy was acting really weird from the start, though. I laid down and he put the things on my temples – I don’t know what they’re called, I was too pissed off at everything to find out. Anyway, he put the things on my temples, and I closed my eyes to prepare for the buzz feeling in my head. Then… nothing. It finally turns on after a minute. But suddenly, there’s a hand…” He pauses and swallows hard. “And it was where it definitely shouldn’t have been,” he sighed and ran his hands through his hair. Tears threatened to spill out of Rory’s eyes as a million thoughts rushed through her head, but she remained silent, listening to him intently. He glanced over at her, slightly concerned that she may have fallen asleep. He was relieved when he saw her staring back at him. “Don’t cry for me. I stabbed him.”

           She blinked. “You…”

           “Stabbed him, yes. Before I knew what I was doing, the blade was swiftly snatched from under my pillow and then it was through his forearm. Then I yanked the whatever-they’re-calleds off of my head and ran out of my room. Seriously, stop crying. You’re making me uncomfortable,” He tried to joke to break the tension. She blinked again, then quickly wiped her face. “This continued to happen until I came home today. No one ever believed me, not even Dad. He thought I was just trying to get out of there, and to be fair, I was. I’m just so glad that the money stopped coming and I was sent home.”

           “Mambo, if I knew… I’m so –”

           “Sorry. I know. Dad wouldn’t let me talk to you, because he knew you would try to get me out of there,” He sighed. It was silent for a moment. “I was put in solitary for two months straight after that. They took my knife, but I stole it back when I got out. All of my classes were through a screen, and I was by myself the entire time, aside from the therapy sessions. I was put into solitary a lot. I lost my fucking mind. I was there, yet I was not there.”

           “Why were you doing shock therapy?” Rory asked inquisitively.

           “Because they believed everything dad told them when he dropped me off. All ‘assessments’ afterward were bullshit. They never believed a god damn thing I said. The only thing they did change from what he told them was that I’m in fact not schizophrenic. I can’t believe he told them that I was… wait, yes I can,” He laughed bitterly. “I had to fight like hell, and fighting like hell has made me what I am. I am the monster they created. Something in me just… snapped.”

           “Are you a bad person now?” Rory asked suddenly.

           “Depends on who you ask. Who we are and who we need to be to survive are two very different things. But I kept hurting people. The other kids couldn’t do what I had to do. But we were just kids… we weren’t meant to be heroes. I don’t even know who I am anymore. It’s like… I used to be a person. What am I now?”

           “You’re just a kid, Nicky.” He winced.

           “I stopped being a kid the day our parents sent me there to die,” His voice cracked. “I hate them. I hate their guts. I hate what they did to me.” He was crying hard suddenly, which was a shock compared to how he was as he described the horrors he had endured for three years. Tears pricked at her own eyes as she leant over the edge of her bed to pull him up into bed with her. She held him as he cried into her shoulder, and for the rest of the night after he fell asleep.

[parkaiur]

Final Thoughts on YGTB/The Lineup

... well let’s just jump right into it shall we?

ok.. this show was a waste of time and a waste of all my fucking emotions. the only reason i put up with YG’s bullshit is because I thought team a+jihoon would debut, but yg is too fucking stupid to do that so : )

anyways, let’s get into the reason why this show is trash :)

first of all, the emotional trauma all the boys have been put through?

there are 28 trainees, they all thought that the debut group was going to be 5 members... imagine how stressful and scary that must be for all of them. once they split from their respective teams, they were all heartbroken they were being split from their friends? seriously... what was yg doing breaking such strong teamwork in ALL the teams...

the reason why ikon was, and is, so popular is because of their strong teamwork. people are connected to the bond between the members and it shows when people have been through a lot together 

moving on, there are literally 13&14 year old kids in this show... like c’mon, what i was worrying about at 14 was if my friends had the same lunch as me.. :/ and on top of the trainee life, they’re forced to be split from all their friends... these poor dudes 

AND THE EDITING, OH GOSH THE EDITING

for the ENTIRE show, YG depicted team a as the “bad guys”. first from when yoonbin and yeongue lost the 2:2 battle. so many people got upset, saying that it was a popularity battle when in reality, they had the smallest gap out of all the teams... hah . 

they also edited out byounggon’s rap in the Im Not Sorry performance which caused ppl to think that only Seunghun controlled that stage, when in reality, both of them chewed up the stage. 

im not even going to mention how initially Yoonbin x Keita’s rap battle was edited out before they were hella popular cuz yg is a fucking snake and there are SO many examples as to which this happened so i’ll only name a few 

next, THE FINAL GOING CRAZY PERFORMANCE. the focus was SO obviously on Jaehyuk when Hyunsuk started to rap ... like cameraman... the rapper was Hyunsuk, not Jaehyuk... pls ... also, when jihoon was singing, the cameraman panned to junghwan... i think im starting to predict something :   )

anyways, Doyoung and Jihoon were both edited out of their FINAL PERFORMANCE ON THIS SHOW??? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. Doyoung choreographed that dance YET his solo in Earned It was edited out?? and Jihoon was just edited out completely??? i thought we would FINALLY get to hear both of their stunning vocals and ... nothing .... it’s obvious only yg’s favorites gets aired 

now, mentioning all of team a+jihoon being mistreated, i kept up with this fucking show because i thought yg was just trying to rile up fans and would debut them later.... I WAS WRONG. 

all silver boys can either write songs, produce music, and choreograph... yet he chose some members that cant... im not saying that Haruto and Junghwan are untalented, when I think they’re very good at what they do, but theyre just so young and have so much more room to grow. YG chose these members because of their potential .. but he refused to debut boys who already have honed their potential ... wtf

YG obviously only used Silver Boys as a way to gain popularity for this show, and it’s not sitting well with me. tons of fans have been waiting s o l o n g for these boys to debut, especially last year in the Stray Kids survival show and Mixnine. they had fans who were dedicated and saw their talent, and were waiting for them (i am one myself). and when YGTB was released, it seemed like the perfect show because it had all my favorite boys ! (ok most im looking at you jeonwoong, raesung, and noa) 

but then yg turns around and pulls this ... this on us... 

seriously come at me for saying this cuz im going to delete my account soon :/ 

ALSO ive seen so many posts telling Silver Boys stans to like calm down ?? and to not hate on the members... let me get this straight, IM NOT HATING ON THEM. Simply saying someone is too young and inexperienced to debut is NOT hate. 

Also, yg expected this happen. he knew junghwan (and even haruto) would get hate and backlash and he debuted them anyways... seriously if that isnt the definition of cruel. he just wants to stir up the public and honestly idk if it’s going to work this time since so many people are upset. yg SAW the online voting which, if you didn’t know, had 300K votes for the Silver Boys, yet he still didn’t choose to debut them... wow 

if yg’s target was younger fans... he got them. but im just saying this now, all yg groups have older, more mature fans, and what i’ve seen from this fandom is not that. yg just lost a veteran yg stan but he doesnt care does he now 

also , dont console SB fans when you’re just trying to defend your faves. and when i say console, dont say “omg just support the group! you have to stan forever or else you’re fake>:(” like... NO. you actually dont have to stan a group you dont like ??? i have freedom ?? LMAO 

plus raesung coming to the final show made all of us VERY emotional and we wanted a happy ending for our boys, and we didnt get one. which obviously crushed us, so just,,, back off for a moment and dont try to make us feel worse about what’s happening right now 

anyways, yg basically debuted a group with visuals (as of right now) and it’s making me sick. i didnt think he was taking the visuals things seriously but seeing this lineup? he obviously was. and no, im not saying that visuals dont have talent just to be clear. im just saying that there are people who are “not visuals” who are just as talented. 

my predictions for the next three members? It’s Yoonbin or Hyunsuk, Mashiho, and Jaehyuk. why? they’re all yg’s favorites and are visuals. 

im not in the mood for discussion just come in my inbox if you’re going to talk about Silver Boys or about how nice your day was cuz i need to either distract myself or mourn ;-; 

also the immense guilt that silver boys stans feel right now is uncontrollable... we tried so hard for so long yet our efforts have fallen through... and not only do we have a bond towards our boys, but we have a bond with each other. Us Silver Boy stans have also been through a lot together and when you solo stans were running around, we were getting shit done. we fight for the SB boys and we fight for each other, dont think we are going to stop now <3

[icequeen-shiva]

what i need to say to you, as a fat girl.

i’m going to put it under a cut, not because i’m embarrassed but because i know i’m going to get longwinded and i know some people won’t appreciate a gigantic, lengthy post clogging up their dash. and i get that! that’s me sometimes too. it’s cool, fam. it’s... it’s a damn novel. i’m not going to lie. i’m sorry it got so long. there’s a lot of history. but i don’t know how else to make it so clear and understandable without going deep. everything in here is exactly what i want known. so... yeah, it’s long.

i just had my yearly gynecological appoint a week ago. she stressed to me that she couldn't be happier with me, even with my weight. my blood work was, she called it, wonderful. my levels are good! i’m not even close enough to pre-diabetic that she felt a need to caution me. i’m healthy, according to my blood, she said. keep doing what i’m doing, she said, based on science and my blood, not my stomach, where all my weight seems to go. i am blessed that my doctor is kind. she knows that i, and others like me, am doing the best i can to find more healthy and nutritional things that work for me (and while i won’t go into it here, i will say that i have a fucked up home life that doesn’t make it easy). she knows pcos is fighting me every step of the way on losing weight. but she is proud of me and supports me and when she wants to talk about my weight, that is how she addresses it: with positive suggestions, not shaming me, not guilting me into feeling like i’ve done this wrong and disappointed everyone.

yes, i could exercise more. i’m not in shape, but the tests come back that, overall, i’m healthy, but that doesn’t seem to matter, because i’m still fat.

it shouldn’t be this hard to write. i shouldn’t be crying while i write this, but it’s been beaten into me (not literally) since i was a child that i’m not worth it if i’m fat. i went from kindergarten through eighth grade to a very small school (at its largest while i went there, my class had 36 people total) and i lived on the very edge of the district. if a friend wanted to do anything, we had to coordinate with our parents who was going where, whose parents were driving and what time would we get together, what time would someone need picked up, etc. and i was fat. i’ve been overweight since the day i was born, coming out at 10 pounds. i wasn’t into sports, which was absolutely what this school put almost all of its focus on. i was into art, which was the last thing this school put its focus on. i was quiet, i didn’t live in town, i didn’t want to play kickball or basketball at recess, i wanted to sit on the swings and draw. i was the weird kid, and i also happened to be the fat kid in my grade. the only fat kid. so i was an undesirable, and i just... got used to it. i will never forget how sick i felt in seventh grade, in the girls’ locker room after gym one day, when one of the thinnest girls was almost crying about her reflection and how fat she looked. i felt terrible for her, because if she really believed that then that girl needed help, but i also felt absolutely sick and knew i wanted to be annnywhere else but that school with these girls. i was lucky enough that my mom finally agreed to let me go to the school just a hop over the district line for high school. i met the best friend i’ve ever had in my whole life. i met other fat kids. i won the art club scholarship when i was a senior. my entire social existence was not predicated on “she doesn’t live here, she’s an oddball, and she’s fat” for the first fucking time.

but i was still fat in high school, and still pretty weird, i won’t lie, so i was still not the girl asked to any dances. i was never invited to any parties. i’m lucky that i wasn’t bullied for my fatness. a couple underclassmen punks behind me in the hallway tried one time, but at this point, i had perfected my glare and intimidation voice, so when i stopped, turned around, glared, and dared them to say that one more time, they didn’t. i was picked on for my goth aesthetic more than i was my weight, and that was fine. it wasn’t my weight, so i could live with it. i had my friends, i had my art classes, i had english and history where the teachers loved me and how good i was at these subjects. but i never had a date. i never had a first kiss. i never had any of this. i was fat, and i was weird. i’m not blaming it all on my physical appearance. everyone is embarrassingly weird as a teenager, i think, and if you weren’t then you’re lying.

for varying reasons, i didn’t get to go away for college. i went where my parents demanded i go, to a community branch of ohio state, with looming promises of “oh, you can transfer to columbus in a year or two, it’ll be fine” that ended up never happening. it was just like high school all over again. it was so small, and so limited, and so full of the same kind of people i’d been with the last four years already. i was still the fat weird girl. i grew into both of these. i learned to carry them each much better, i started taking theatre classes and auditioning for the plays, i even got the fucking lead in a one season. i was antigone, and i was, for the first time, excited about myself.

it didn’t last, though. the theater kids were, contrary to how they’re depicted so often and what other people’s stories have been, mean. so i left it. i never acted on that campus again. and it hurt like a motherfucker when i reminded myself that i gave up like that. but it was easier to do that. it was easier to take myself out of the spotlight than it was to constantly fight and defend my right to have it just like anyone else. now... there’s a lot of other issues in my life, that i’m not willing to address right now. all of my friends moved a few hours away from me. i’m not exaggerating, though i wish i was. i never ended up leaving. i dropped out of college when my depression was spiraling out of control and i wasn’t reeeeally functioning at all. i still live at home, in this close-minded, rural, midwestern place, because i’m terrified of leaving my mother with her depression that’s much worse than mine has ever been and i have no one in this area at all that i trust enough to be roommates with, and i can’t afford living on my own without that crutch. that’s as far as i’m willing to go. but this-- leaving acting, that i had loved so much-- was really a tipping point into the depression i have struggled with for almost my entire adult life.

and that depression and continued social rejection has really drummed in further i am fat. i have no hope of anyone ever thinking i’m beautiful. no one will ever really be attracted to me. i can fix my face with makeup but i cannot hide my gut, and that will repulse them.

i’m 28 years old and still-- fucking still-- the only time i’ve ever been shown romantic interest, was a joke. the only time someone has ever given me their phone number was a goddamn joke. it was at a restaurant, where i wasn’t afraid to order what i wanted and enjoy eating it, and i probably looked like a pig. i like food. we kind of need it to survive, and if i’m going to a restaurant with my friends, i’m going to get what i want, what sounds good, and enjoy myself with my friends, not get only a small salad because i have to watch my weight and i have to look like the meek, ashamed fat girl who’s trying to do better. i don’t have to look like anything, for anyone. but for a long time after i realized that number was a joke, i stopped doing all of that. i’d barely eat when we went out. i’d cry about it in the bathroom. i’d cry about it in bed. i cried a lot. and i hated myself. i’ve somehow managed to mostly overcome that. but it’s been hard, and let me repeat: i can only say mostly.

so what i really, really need you to know, and this is directed to the tickle community more than it is anyone else right now... this is why, if/when i get suddenly upset about belly tickles; if/when i get very quiet and withdrawn, when my dash is flooded with “ideal” bodies with their cute bellies getting tickled; if/when i get very feet-centric again because, after over a decade of navigating through my kink preferences and finding a place in this community, i’ve convinced myself over and over again that “if you keep it focused on your feet, they won’t notice that you’re fat.” which is ridiculous because in online play, nobody has to know that if i don’t say anything. but i will know. i will always know, when i present myself in rp as some small, cute, only a little bit chubby girl, that i’m lying.

it’s so hard being fat in such a physical kink. so fucking hard. even the plus size girls in the videos don’t look like me. it’s incredibly appreciated, don’t get me wrong, and it’s... it’s not even that i’m ~so big. i don’t look as heavy as i am. i’ve been accused of looking for attention and saying i’m heavier than i really am, when i try to be honest about how much the scale says (which honestly just makes me incredibly paranoid that maybe i have some giant cyst(s) on my ovaries that’s distending everything and heavy af with a bunch of fluid and crap, as is the hallmark symptom of polycystic ovarian syndrome, but that’s another essay). but it’s heavy enough to bother me. and that just gets problematic, because it’s not right of me to think “well, at least i’m not that size,” because the girl that size is having the same struggles as i am, probably. 

there’s literally one person i’ve ever spoken to that has told me, and i believe truthfully, they think i’m cute and that i’m worth it. and they live in england, thousands of miles away. and he wasn’t a “chubby chaser,” and i truly believe he wasn’t saying it out of pity. he meant it. but he’s the definition of unattainable.

i need you to understand that you need to be patient with me, if we’re really going to play, because the hardest thing i can do is accept that you don’t think i’m disgusting. because at the end of the day, i can be as confident in my personality and my intelligence and my skills as possible, but i will still look down at my stomach, hanging over the waistband of my pj shorts, and i will still think this is disgusting and it’s no wonder i’m alone.