#to be clear only the 'i don't wanna' people truly bother me

[msviolacea]

Addition to the last reblog: one of my least favorite genres of message I get at work is "hey Jaime I just talked about this with [boss] but can you meet with me about it?" Like, about 25% of the time that's a legit "[boss] didn't quite understand the nuances because she doesn't do the day to day work so much anymore" request, but the other 75% is either "[boss] told me to read the work instruction but I don't wanna" or "I have made up sixteen imaginary disaster scenarios in my head and need you to talk me down from all of them before I can do the work."

I apparently need to destroy my reputation as the person who will just answer the goddamned question because she's tired of hearing people talk about it. Only then will I be free.

[halohalona]

Letting Go

Old memories resurface so Logan reminds you who is truly there for you.

Logan Howlett x Reader

a/n: the fics I'm starting to write are getting more and more self indulgent and the situations are getting hyper-specific. Not only do I want to be with Logan, on so many different levels, he's also become such a comfort character to me (or maybe it's just hugh jackman idk). ANYWAY, this has been sitting in my drafts for a while now so enjoy the short fic

masterlist

warnings/tags: more emotional hurt/comfort, Logan is probably a little or a lot ooc here, I wanna specify this is the movie logan and not the comics, betrayal? idk, I probably forgot a few details about Wolverine here

Logan noticed you've been quiet recently. Not only that but you've been avoiding him. One time when you rounded a corner of the mansion's many hallways you immediately turned back the way you came when you saw him. Did he do something wrong? Every time he tried to talk to you, you would run away.

He asked Ororo if she knew what was going on but she didn't know either. He asked Jean but she didn't know anything either, but he did find out that you've been avoiding everyone. Scott, Ororo, Jean, Hank�� not just him. It even came to the point where he asked the professor himself and all he said was, “She needs her space.”

He was at the library looking for a specific textbook he needed for his next class when he heard sniffling from a secluded corner of the library— your corner. You told him once that you've pretty much claimed that part of the library for yourself since it was secluded and quiet enough that no one would bother you as you worked.

He slowly and quietly walked over. Sure enough you were there. Your laptop was in front of you, folders neatly stacked around you on the table, and your bag placed on the side facing the main library, likely to hide your face.

He sat in front of you, gently moving the folders to the side before speaking.

“Hey.” he said softly.

You jumped and quickly wiped your face but your head was still down. “What are you doing here?”

“I heard you crying, of course I'm gonna go check on you. You've been avoiding me all week. Something's going on, and as your boyfriend I want to know.”

You don't say anything.

“Is this about Eve?”

Silence.

He leans back on the chair crossing his arms. “You know that was years ago right?”

Eve was a close friend of yours. You both have been friends for almost two years back in high school. She was someone who stood by you through your toughest times, and at the time there was a lot, specially since that was same point in your life your mutation decided manifest. But then you guess they got sick and tired of having to deal with what you were going through with you because one day you learned from your best friend, who was a mutual friend of yours, that she planned on cutting you off. You don't remember exactly what she said but one thing was clear to you, she no longer wanted any relationship with you, not even an acquaintance. What stuck with you was the promise she made a year prior: “If you think I'm gonna leave you, I won't,” which ended up being a lie.

It's been years, you know that it's time to move on, but every now and then it haunts you. You've been keeping people at arms length since then, not sharing much about yourself aside from the basics: name, age, and what you like to do in your free time. Although you've opened up a bit when you started dating Logan, you've share a few things about Eve, but you still hold back in fear of the whole thing to happen again.

“You have to let it go. I'm not saying this to be dismissive, I'm saying it because holding on to it will prevent you from finding people who actually care for you.” he unfolds his arms and leans on the table closer to you. “Like I've said before, if she was able to let you go so easily, then maybe she wasn't a good friend to begin with.”

He walks over to your side of the table and kneels beside you. Gently, he places his hand on the side of your face lifting it up to make you look at him.

“I know it hurts to be abandoned by someone you cared for deeply, but dwelling on what happened won't bring them back. It's time for you to focus on the people who genuinely care about you. Ororo, Jean, Hank, Scott, pretty much everyone in the mansion, and of course me.”

Your eyes start to well up again, a couple tears escape, sliding down your cheek. Logan gently brushes them away.

“I know she's told you this but when I say I won't leave you, no matter how hard things get, I mean it. I love you and I care for you, remember that.”

You look into his eyes for any sign of deceit and seeing none, he genuinely means it. So for the first time in years, you trust those words. You lean your forehead on his “I believe you. And thank you.” you whisper.

[partycatty]

johnny cage > bust your kneecaps

kenshi's sibling isn't exactly known for being the kindest, especially when things don't go their way.

warnings: violence, you're kinda yandere type... or maybe tsundere i don't know i give up. johnny's an ass and i wanna beat him up.

notes: are you seriously telling me NOBODY has written a fic for this man using "bust your kneecaps" by pomplamoose?! LIKE.

[ masterlist ]

johnny, don't leave me, you said you'd love me forever - honey, believe me, i'll have your heart on a platter

• you stepped your way into the stupidly lavish mansion, the address imprinted into your brain and throwing knife at your hip. the belt accentuated the way your hips swayed, capturing the attention of the mansion's owner.

• "where's my wife?" he asks, defensive as he puts the glass of alcohol down.

• "your wife is fine," you turn toward your brother's voice as he speaks, a scowl painting both of your features.

• "you will be too, if you cooperate," your tone is unwelcoming, threatening. "you're johnny cage, aren't you?"

• "what's it to you?" johnny's anger grows by the second, frustrated and confused about the sudden yakuza-looking blade wielders in his home.

• your hand twitches as it rests on the handle of the blade. kenshi puts an arm out, pressing you back. his glare is a silent scolding and you groan, instead opting to cross your arms than threaten the actor at gunpoint.

• "come on," johnny instigates, a beckoning hand thrown out your way. "you're too pretty to be this rude to me."

• "i'm not here for you," you spit back, and kenshi points his sword out to the blade resting just above the fireplace. "we come for sento."

• we all know the drill. before you could fight for what rightfully belonged to your clan, johnny had you and your brother tied to a chair, groaning as consciousness returns to you only to explain your intentions through a groggy tone.

• it seemed like something from a lucid dream, two ninjas and a fire god as you're tied to a chair in a celebrity mansion. it was all a blur, explained quickly before you were whisked off to an academy to fight in a tournament you had only just learned about.

• it was all ridiculous but johnny had dragged sento along with him, keeping it in his room and away from the two of you - he never knew if you'd strike at night and run off into the sunset at any given moment.

• the training itself was quite useful as you learned new styles of fighting, weapon or otherwise. you felt yourself growing bulk and inspiration for combat and attempted to log as much information into your memory, studying after lessons or practicing moves when the campus was cleared of people with the moon high.

• it started innocently enough, johnny would at first spectate you and then eventually join in for (unwelcome) advice. you tried to brush him off, you really did, but he just kept coming back like the prettiest little parasite and that irritated you beyond belief.

• before you could protest or pick up his mood shift, he was being sweet on you - which is to say, pet names, compliments, anything you figured an actor would use to get in a girl's pants. he must do this to all women, you figure, but as time passes you find yourself leaning into his words and cracking a small smile that you cover with your hand.

• you had attempted to confide in kenshi, but in his typical attitude, he just teased you for having a crush on the actor. it was a claim you vehemently denied, no matter how many times his laugh rung in your ears or feather touches made your skin burn.

• it bothered you, truly. you hated him and his stupid sexy smile, his dumb idiot muscles as they flex and ripple during training — lord help you.

• when you started to give in, it was so painfully slow anyone could've missed it. johnny, shockingly, was a good judge of character and wore his opinions on his sleeve. he picked up on it, but wouldn't say anything; he would keeping poking and prodding the bear until you admitted your shameful attraction.

• you gave in after a particularly intimate training session. not having much experience compared to the star, he noticed your tense heat radiating from your back when he wrapped his arms around you, perfecting your stance as you trained against a dummy. unable to contain the trembles of your limbs, you spun around to face him, still caged in his grasp.

• "why do you do the things you do?" you ask, brows naturally furrowed in thought.

• johnny looks at you as if you were a fool. "because i like you."

• the answer left you dumbfounded, the answer was right in front of you but you dared not entertain the thought. your eyes darted between his, searching for any hint of bad intentions, but no. his eyes were sweet and soft, gentle and understanding. it ached you.

• the walls you built up crumbled to nothing the longer you two spent time together, johnny giving you almost little room to fully adjust to a romantic relationship. beside each other it was almost comical how much you resembled a black cat golden retriever duo, a comparison the other boys were sure to make often. even liu kang was surprised by this, commenting once that this "had not happened before." whatever he meant was lost to you.

• at first, it was sweet. he cared, he truly did. johnny would go more than an extra mile for you, understanding where to fully slam the brakes or how to gently encourage you to be intimate. the entire time you were absolutely floored, willing to explore the new world of love. it didn't take long for johnny to call it that, and you followed shortly after. he loved you, only you forever, as he'd say.

• the near-armageddon was heavy on the both of you, but everyone returned in one piece and things seemed to be taking a turn toward the domestic life. this is where everything seemingly took a turn for the worse.

• johnny had insisted you moved in with him as soon as possible, citing both love and your financial connections to the yakuza to support his living conditions even after struggling with money. he'd beg with those sweet puppy eyes, and who were you to turn down the first man that's ever loved you?

• you gave him your all, trying so hard to prove your affections and figure out how to appreciate someone that isn't yourself. johnny ate it up every time, his praise making you dizzy and his little pout every time your voice wavered in hesitation.

• at the academy and sun do, it was easy to forget that he was a supposed A-List celebrity. nobody knew him, flocked for photos and attention, the camera flashing wasn't even a worry considering their lack of technology. he was a normal man with perhaps a slightly inflated ego, but a charming pretty boy nonetheless.

• when you began living in malibu, it started to become a reality for you that you were now in the trenches of fame. while you yourself weren't famous, you did technically appear from nowhere arm in arm with the actor. it didn't take long for paparazzi to camp on your lawns, parking garages, or even as you're out getting your morning coffee.

• as a former yakuza member, your entire life was in the shadows or relatively secretive. now, everyone knew everything about you and the thought made you nauseous. johnny would remind you time and time again that this is what you set yourself up for. you two had never even approached the topic beforehand.

• then came the women. johnny was a conventionally attractive man in malibu, his glittering smile and perfect appearance had women constantly screaming at him for a glance, one that he happily provided with a slight wink. going online and seeing the edits and thirsting messages made your stomach flip. he was yours, but he felt like the world's.

• you tried sitting johnny down, unable to properly articulate your problems having never discussed serious topics with a partner before. it was a foreign topic to you, dancing around your words in one place and being too blunt in the other. johnny couldn't help but look at you with a nearly condescending stare, brow raising in such a way that made you feel... small.

• "you're dating a celebrity," he stated, as if you needed a thousandth reminder. "i'm johnny cage. i may have just been another trainee when we met, but i'm one of the most prominent men in the industry. this is what you signed up for. sorry, but i can't always be yours. i love my fans, too."

• "i didn't know what i signed up for," you clarify, brows furrowing in confusion over his tone. "i thought you'd only love me." he did say it pretty early on.

• "i do," he put his hands up defensively. "i just have more than you to worry about now, sugar. can we get on with our days, now? i have a meeting with a production team in an hour."

• perhaps you didn't know what you really agreed to. fame, women, money, cars, johnny was... wow, a pompous piece of shit in the spotlight no matter how much he claimed to have changed after the events. it was like the most sickening, arrogant light switch. you swore you loved a different man.

• after you had turned away his lifestyle for the tenth time, it was a few months after moving in that he really sat you down. he sat backwards in a chair, as if it was a casual conversation. another part of his routine.

• "you're not cut out for this," he'd open with, and you're not even sure what "this" was really referring to. "i don't want to keep dragging you through a lifestyle you can't keep up with." like you were a lesser being. your mouth goes dry.

• "you said you'd love me forever." your frown is piercing.

• "feelings... change, i guess. we met in a totally different place, things are back to normal and i just can't picture us continuing like we are now. i've got so much work to do and so little time, and you want my attention. i can't prioritize one out without losing the other."

• "so you're choosing directing over me? fame?"

• "it's not like that —" he sighs, pity in his voice. "you don't belong here."

• you stand up now. "you told me we were a forever package deal. you wanted to show me the world. you wanted this, took every first i could give. what? you're done using me for what i'm worth now?"

• johnny winces. "kind of? you're... you haven't been offering up much else than complaints." your jaw truly drops now, the anger you pushed away bubbling back up to the surface.

• "you think you can just clock out?" your voice grows in volume, increasingly nasty as you picture all the ways you could make him apologize. "you don't just get to escape that easily. do you know who i am?"

• johnny states your full name with a pitiful expression. as if it means nothing. he could have tricked you into thinking that was the case if you had kept falling for his love bombing. not anymore.

• "can you relax?" his tone is laced with irritation. "you're working yourself up, just make it easier for the both of us. look, i'll even buy you a plane ticket—" he reaches for his wallet but you catch his wrist, seeing red. for the first time in a long time, he looks at you like you're a strong person, a yakuza member.

• "easy," he wants you, tone now deadly serious. "i've got cameras everywhere. if i show police you put your hands on me like that, knowing your background, it'll be bad news for you."

• a smirk pulls at your lip, twitching in anger. you lean in close, real close. "if they even get to see the footage."

• it was a pathetic assumption that johnny would be able to escape you now, you were fully intertwined with him in such a way that angered you, but made you love him more deep down. your first love isn't supposed to just pull out from your grasp, not easily anyway.

• a wrestling match ensues. he's strong and knows how to fight, you saw it yourself. you were smarter, though. you managed to grab one of his small statues and position him just right to knock him out with a light hit. he goes limp in your arms, sending you to your knees from the weight of his body. not quite satisfied that he was at your mercy, you drag him to your shared bed.

• thanks to your intimate endeavors, rope was tucked neatly in the closet. you tied his wrists to the bedposts and his ankles to the edge of the bed. while you were emotionally detached, you were still utterly enamored with his entire existence. you leaned in close, admiring the crinkle in his nose or his delicate eyelashes as they hopelessly flutter. his plush lips part to breathe shallowly, and you barely notice your hand coming up to stroke at his cheekbone. he was a beautiful specimen, a figure that's meant to be immortalized in art.

• as mad as you were, he was just too pretty to part from. you peppered kisses from his temple to his shoulder, hand feeling the fabric of his dress shirt as you lay your head on his chest. you basically cuddled him as you leaned onto the bed, half sitting in your chair still. you had to be prepared in case he suddenly awoke and went for a bite or headbutt.

• he'll wake up eventually, and when he does, you'll be right there with a blade in hand and a wicked smile pulling at your lips.

[snaillock]

could I pls ask for a boyfriend's Nagi x male reader? like him having a weakness for the reader and being like a puppy with him? idk if I'm explaining myself idk how to put it in words 😭 I love blue lock and there's almost no x male reader with them so I'm excited to find this sorry 😓

nagi x male!reader

AHHH my first request!! tysm for asking i would love to make this! i also got curious and only found like three nagi x male readers (two of which were smuts that i was too uncomfortable to read☠️) but don't worry im here to save the day. this also ended up being a lot longer than expected but still really hope you enjoy!! ^^

tags: male reader, sad nagi backstory moment, me getting too carried away with build up again

you were one of the few people who didn’t look at nagi like he was some anomaly. while others in your school would steer clear and gossip about him behind his back, you were one of the only people who spoke to him and treated him like an actual person and not some freak of nature

you would try to talk to him in class but he wouldn’t talk back (since “talking is such a pain”) so you assumed you were bothering him and eventually stopped.

nagi eventually noticed you wouldn’t talk to him in class anymore and it didn’t bother him at first. but eventually he finds himself missing it and would make the rare effort of trying to initiate conversations with you.

that led to you guys talking every day during class. the more you two spoke, the more you realized how much you had in common with him. you soon asked him if he wanted to come over to hang out.

he usually rejects any hang-out offers from literally anyone. though when you asked him if he wanted to come over to your place to play video games together, he accepted because he found you to be less of a hassle to be around compared to others.

when he came over, he realized he actually really enjoys being around you and had fun spending his time playing games with you. he even took a look around your room to admire all the things you’ve collected that represent your personality and interests. this only made him more captivated by you and wanted to be much closer friends

now for the exciting part

once some time has passed and you two got closer, you soon find out he’s a shamelessly clingy person both emotionally and physically.

whenever he would see you, he randomly wraps his arms around you and latch onto you. he hates being forced to let go whenever you two have to go to class.

he gives absolutely zero fucks about being publicly affectionate with another guy in school, paying no mind to the weird stares and whispers

he constantly wants to stay over at your place and when you come over to his for the first time, he introduces you to choki (a hugeeee moment for him trust me)

nagi truly loves being with you. at first, he didn’t care about being an outcast until you showed up in his life and showed him what true friendship and love was like

soon his feelings for you as a friend develops into something much more unfamiliar before he can realize it. falling in love was definitely a new experience for nagi and falling in love with you specifically was a slow delicate process

he definitely didn’t realize for a while that he likes you in that way until he finds himself admiring you as you somehow have soft lighting all over your face and pink flowers and hearts circling your head (all in his imagination my boy is completely whipped). he then thinks, “hmm this feels like one of the shojo mangas i’ve read befo- ohhhhh!”

once the initial shock is over, he’s already bold enough to confess to you quickly after. i can imagine him suddenly telling you how he feels in the most random scenario ever.

it would be so out of nowhere. you guys could be out walking in the park. you casually sip out of your bottle when he nonchalantly says, “wanna be my boyfriend?” with his signature neutral face, making you choke and cough on your water.

he would then elaborate on how much he likes you with the plainest face ever like it was a regular tuesday conversation. the one difference is the light flush on his cheeks and you can definitely tell that he truly means all of it. so once you stopped coughing, you obviously accept his confession

if you thought he was already pretty damn clingy prior to you two becoming a couple, then be prepared for that to increase tenfold

holding hands isn’t enough for him, ideally he needs to be super glued onto you permanently for the rest of his life

you guys are definitely the couple people gag at when they see you both curled up cuddling each other in the hallway.

once again, he gives absolutely no shits. he needs to show off what an amazing boyfriend he has so he’ll never tone it down on the pda

on the very very rare occurrence that you're not with him and you happened to be talking to someone else in the hallway, he sees this and immediately gets a little possessive. so he walks up right behind you and wraps his arms around your waist, resting his head on you. you assume he's just being needy again and find it cute, completely unaware of how he's now glaring deep into that person’s soul from over your shoulder. i mean you’re his man and his man only so everyone needs to know.

he requires you to pet and run your fingers through his hair for a low minimum for uhhh 2000 times a day. you swear that he purrs every time you do it but when you try to listen out for another one, he already fell asleep on your shoulder

whenever you guys are cuddling either at his dorm or your place, he just lays his entire body weight onto you like a heated blanket while resting his head on your shoulder with your fingers carded through his hair. if you try to gently nudge him off so you can get up and use the bathroom, he audibly whines and eventually relents. he totally tries to follow you into the bathroom after that.

whenever you compliment or praise him, he looks totally unaffected but internally, he’s jumping around screaming. meanwhile, he will randomly drop the most endearing and beautiful arrangement of words at you in a completely neutral voice and just move on with his day like you didn’t just witness the most flattering thing you’ve ever heard.

loves whenever you randomly grab his chin and give him a short but very sweet kiss.

nah actually scratch that. nagi loves kisses from you anytime anywhere. fleeting cheek kisses before you both head to class. kisses on his forehead as you hold him close under the covers. drawn out victory kisses you both finally finish a difficult match together. no matter what it is, he always helplessly melts into each one.

before you appeared in nagi's life, his world was just one big dull pain he simply had to push through every day. now that he had you by his side, he finally had the motivation to get out of bed every day.

[tsumtsumrry]

Hey! It would be so nice if you could write something I had in mind for a while. Ceo Harry who’s like always in control of everything but behind closed doors with his girlfriend he gets all shy and submissive. (If you don’t feel comfortable or you don’t wanna write it it’s alright :) 🫶🏼)

apologies for this being so short, migraines are kicking my butt but i didn't want to go so long without posting/answering your request :(. please don't hesitate to let me know if you'd like a part two though <3

There’s a small knowing grin on your face as you watch him through the large window of his office as he berates one of his employees. You roll your eyes at his tone and chuckle softly to yourself. You turn around when you feel a soft tap on your shoulder and a smile is brought to your face when you recognize the touch as Harry’s secretary. She’s young for the job, fresh out of university but incredibly intelligent with a strong work ethic. She’s also so incredibly kind. 

“I would absolutely not go in there if I were you,” she warns, making you furrow your eyebrows and pout in confusion, “that guy he’s yelling at, messed up a couple reports that set us back big time. He’s pissed.” Your mouth opens in an “o”, understanding the situation. A small smile comes to your face, knowing that she’s just trying to help.

“I am not afraid of my husband, no matter how grumpy he can be.” you laugh softly and she looks to the ground and blushes softly with a smile on her face as if she’s scared to speak ill of her boss. 

The smile stays on her face as she speaks, “well good luck then, Mrs. Styles. You can always ring me if you need anything.” she walks away and you notice that the yelling has stopped. You take it as your opportunity to knock softly on the door and Harry’s head instantly shoots up, his eyes softening in recognition when he sees you. You open the door and smile at the employee, who almost looks scared to make eye contact with you. 

“I hope I’m not interrupting, I brought you some lunch.” you make your way over to Harry with a small smile and place the food down on the wood table. You decide to make light of the obvious tension in the room and speak sarcastically, “everything okay in here?”

Harry rolls his eyes but you can see him look down to stifle a laugh. 

“You’re dismissed.” He tells the employee and you watch as he scurries away. 

Everyone in the office knows to steer clear of Harry when you come in, no one dares to bother him or come to his door, and even if it’s important, they opt for a call or an email.

The second the door is closed you look back at Harry and run your fingers through his hair. His entire demeanor melts into the soft one you’re so familiar with, “what have I told you about yelling at people like that, honey?” you reprimand him gently. 

“He fucked up an entire weeks worth of work, my love.” He looks up at you softly, his eyes pleading. The poor baby is always so eager for your approval. He brings his arms up to wrap around your waist and pull you closer to him so his head can rest on your stomach. 

“I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day, honey. Would you like me to make it better?” 

In an instant, his frame softens even more. The implication of your statement making him fall deeper into that submissive state you always seem to get him in. And he loves it, he truly does. He loves how he’s able to relinquish control with you. With the job he has, it feels like he always needs to be in control of everything, but with you, he can just let go. He can let go of all his stress and tension and just get lost in you. 

“Please…” he sighs, his arms tightening around your waist, “please make it better.” 

You pout in sympathy at his desperation and continue to run your fingers through his soft hair, “the second you get home, honey. Can you be patient for me?” 

He nods quickly and eagerly, still clinging to you. You can tell it might be hard for him to let you go today, but if he avoids the work he has to do it’ll only grow in size. You pat his arm slightly as a signal to let you go, you feel him hesitate, but he obeys, and you look down at him to give him an approving smile. 

“You’re just so good for me, aren’t you?” 

Harry opens the front door softly, his mood having improved since this morning. He’s been thinking about you the whole day, thinking about your touch and how you promised to make him feel better. He hasn’t been able to think about anything else. Even his secretary commented on how distracted he seemed.

He walks further into the house, placing his keys on the counter. He calls your name softly and frowns when you don’t answer. 

He keeps walking until he reaches your shared bedroom and his eyes instantly widen at the sight of you, clad in the most beautiful piece he’s ever seen. 

He doesn’t remember buying you that one, but he doesn’t even dwell on that thought considering how beautiful you look. 

“H-hi,” he whispers, he walks up to you and his expression is pleading, “touch?” he asks softly. You smile gently at him and you nod, he wastes no time bringing his hand up to your body. He drags his knuckle softly down the material of your bra and sucks in a sharp breath. 

“You’re really pretty” he keeps his voice quiet and low and you melt as his sweet words and the way he reacts to you. 

“You’re just as pretty, angel,” you respond. He softly shakes his head and you pout, standing up to press your lips to his. He fully immerses himself in the kiss and his hands shoot up to grab at your waist. 

“Still want me to make it better?” you pull back from his lips to ask, watching his hazy, half-lidded eyes. 

“Please. Do whatever you want to me.” 

[colourful-void]

[truly off the charts levels of aitsf nirvana initiative spoilers]

some thoughts on mizuki date and mizuki kuranushi

the whole timeline switch thing is admittedly: cool as fuck. love it conceptually. its neat as hell. in practice i think it required some of the game to be a bit... strained in logic and perhaps if we were less committed to clone Mizuki and some other aspects it would feel a little less like we had to rob Mizuki (Date) as a character to make it work.

I can explain why i feel this way:

Don't get me wrong, its set up really really well in a lot of places. i see now which is awesome. the set up isn't so much the problem, there definitely could've been a bit more in the set up but overall it's solid.

my problem is that, in order to make this work, Mizuki and Bibi need to be functionally indistinguishable from each other not just in appearance but in personality. NOW there are key differences I noted which was very good!!! I did see this, i just think like, the fundamental concept means they have to be significantly more similar than they are dissimilar and that makes for....

Okay like:

Mizuki and Bibi having the same scooter? Fantastic, it's mentioned early on that's abis provided, of course they're the same. having the same gun, sure even, it might be a 'mizuki custom' but if we assume mizuki date didn't actually care that much about her gun's specifics I totally see boss replicating the first one. I'm sure bibi would've wanted that too. Having the same PIPE is bothering me. Because now we're verging into some nature over nurture territory.

Mizuki Date loved that pipe when she was 12, it's something she picked up afaik after coming to live with date even, bcs she didn't have it when she was getting bullied in school. Her having one makes sense. But bibi has a pipe, seemingly because... Mizuki has one.

So then, was it a unique choice Mizuki made when she was younger, or does 'being mizuki' mean predestined to wield a pipe? (i can also see Bibi like, watching over mizuki and deciding she also wants a pipe but that's only slightly better because it's still externally denying the characters individuality) [A minor way of adjusting this could be having Mizuki Date only ever use the pipe, and Bibi only ever use the Evolver.]

There are some good moments of them being different i can recall off hand, bibi talking about her younger sister (mizuki) for example, to shoma, etc. but like. 90% of the time you're not supposed to be able to tell them apart. So they think the same way, and act the same way, and when you're playing a game literally in the brain of a character its hard to even pass off as just, presentation or a front. and i wanna be clear i know there are minor differences.

Bibi doesn't react to Date's appearance in the warehouse (because she didn't know him like Mizuki Date, but also looking back since that was in the past like, Mizuki Date wouldn't have reacted either.), I think there's a little difference in how bibi and mizuki treat boss, maybe? But since mizuki is still playing around with boss and giving her puppy dog eyes in the first investigation scene when That's Mizuki Date and not Bibi, it doesn't quite land.

Because the small pool of people who actually know, Ryuki and Boss and all have to TREAT Mizuki Date and Bibi basically identical for this to work. And again, you can stretch it. Boss is trying to maintain professionalism, etc. But it's another layer of them being... basically the same.

Mainly, my biggest problem is less everyone else and how Mizuki Date and Bibi think and act.

Mizuki Date and Bibi are allegedly two different characters. They're given two different backstories, and lived two very different lives. Despite that, aside from a few minor hints and character quirks, they behave and interact indistinguishably from each other. And that kind of cheapens both of them as people.

Like, we just had this whole game that had everyone saying "if this hadn't happened, if my father hadn't been killed, if this child hadn't been kidnapped, if So Sejima had just kicked it at 20, maybe none of this would've happened, life could've been so different" and then also showed us 'Even if your life was extremely different you would still think and act exactly the same'.

TC-PERGE and alcoholism was a huge part of it, but the cited reason for a lot of Ryuki's behaviour is the trauma right?? Like it comes up multiple times, but the unique traumas that both Mizuki's faced? I guess impacted them exactly the same. or not at all, in Mizuki date's case because we never get proper resolution on the whole 'you were adopted and then your adopted parents couldn't or wouldn't raise you properly so gave you off to Date, who then disappeared." i'm still entirely unclear on who was the guardian of this 12 year old child after that.

TLDR

i think a lot of this twist is really cool conceptually, i'm on board with a lot of it. But in practice, Bibi and Mizuki are only different characters because of their wildly different backstories. They think and act identically, despite having such different circumstances which should lead to different thoughts and actions. In a game where the final Somnium ends in a long chain of "What ifs" where it's characters ask if they could've lived differently had just a few things been different, the central characters appear to demonstrate that no, they wouldn't.

and that kinda bums me out.

[crocheting-cupio]

Recently I remembered the ONE time another kid tried to bully me (this happened only once because I was homeschooled) and how he just... failed so miserably because I did not care and was not intimidated in the slightest. And I also may have changed the course of that kid's life. Bit of a long one just because I like telling detailed stories.

So the town I lived in was throwing a Canada Day celebration in the park behind town hall. And by park I mean it was a rectangular clearing in a forest. Anyway, they got a water slide, a bouncy castle, a guy doing balloon animals, a stage to play music that evening, fireworks, and my Mom was doing face painting. There was like around 30-40 kids at the event.

Almost every kid wanted their face painted, so my Mom was pretty busy that day. But this one kid around my age (9) was, for some reason, very insistent on getting his face painted before everyone else. When it was his turn, he was really unhappy with my Mom's job and demanded she redo it. And when she refused, I think he punched her in the arm (although obviously not very hard) and his dad took him away to give him "a talk" and told him not to bother her anymore.

A little later that day, he's just kind of brooding with his arms crossed near our tent. Then he walks up to me and asks if there's anything I can do to change my Mom's mind. I was like, "No???? Why would I help you? You hit my Mom!" I think he offered me all the change he had in his pocket, but I refused. Then he threatened to steal my lunch money or something next time he saw me and I said, "I don't even go to school! Let alone YOUR school." Then I pointed out there's other fun things still available to him that he could be doing, but chose to keep bothering me and my Mom. And he just... walked away looking defeated.

As the day went on I noticed he kept getting himself into trouble by being rude or trying to get into fights. Although the fighting thing didn't work out because, since we were in a big clearing with plenty of adults present, the other kids could just run away. I think he got himself kicked out of the water slide as well.

By this point, I was very overwhelmed and drained by sound, so I wandered off to a quieter area to enjoy an orange soda in peace. As I finished it off, the kid comes back and says, "Do you wanna fight?!" and I'm like, "No why would I want to fight you??" But he didn't wait for an answer and managed to punch me twice, but not very hard. Even as a 9 year old it didn't feel like a strong punch. I dropped my empty can and grabbed both his hands so he couldn't keep swinging and said, "HEY! If you keep fighting me I'll tell my Mom and your dad and he'll take you home for being bad! You've been getting in trouble all day! Then you won't get to hear the music OR see the fireworks! And is that what you want?!" He didn't answer, but the answer was clearly no.

He stopped trying to fight me and I let go. I didn't try to push him away or anything, I didn't even take a step back and simply stood where I was, and this seemed to confuse him. Like he was anticipating that I would want some kind of revenge or want to "win" the fight. But truly I did not want to hurt him, I didn't even dislike him. I had also had bad days where I wanted to fight everybody, but I knew that sometimes when you're angry you say things you don't mean and hurt the people that you care about. I felt he did not actually dislike me (or anyone else at that event) but was just frustrated and didn't know how to deal with that feeling.

Then he tried to insult me, but that also didn't work. It went something like this:

Him: "You're STUPID." Me: "Well, I don't think so because I read a lot of books. I've read every science book we have at home and most of the ones at the library." "Well, you're UGLY." "I look just like everyone else?? Besides, there's not really any ugly people." "Well, your FACE is stupid!" "My face can't be stupid? Only our brains can be stupid." "Well, your mom is FAT!" "That's only because she had me and my siblings. Getting fat after you get pregnant happens to a lot of women. And there's nothing wrong with being fat." "Well, your outfit SUCKS!" "I like my outfit and it's comfortable for me to wear, and that's all that matters to me. You're the first person to say you don't like my outfit, most people like what I wear." "You're so WEIRD!" (It was clear to me at this point he was running out of insults.) "Well, my whole family is weird so that makes sense. We don't think there's anything wrong with being weird because everyone is a little weird. You're weird too, and that's okay. :)"

I had noticed that he didn't seem angry anymore, but just confused and trying to figure me out. And he asked very genuinely, "Why don't you care...?" And I said, "Well, I don't really know you because we just met today, I don't go to your school, and unless they have another event like this again then we're probably never going to see each other again. Why SHOULD I care what you think?"

And he looked completely defeated and like he had never considered this. I had laughed because it was funny to me how I couldn't be bullied despite his best efforts, then he walked away. I caught up to him and tried to apologize for laughing, because I didn't want to make him think I was laughing AT him, but he brushed me off and said it was fine. So I let him go on his way.

Later, during the mini concert, I saw him again with his dad. The dad had stood near-ish to us without realizing it, and I heard the kid say to his dad that he didn't want to be near "the scary girl." I was very confused by this as I thought I was very unintimidating and approachable. But it was kind of funny to me that he found me scary.

Hilariously, I DID see him again about two weeks later at a different and much smaller community event. When he saw I was there he ran up and asked if I remembered him. I said, "No, are you a friend I made before?" and he was aghast that I didn't remember him. Then I mentioned that I'm terrible at recognizing faces so this wasn't usual.

He had jogged my memory by describing what he did that day and then I was like "Oh yeah, I remember you now! :)" Then he asked with genuine curiosity, "Did you cry when you got home?" and I was like, "No? Because your insults didn't hurt me? When we got home we had supper and then I went to bed, just like any other day." This baffled him. He asked if I really wasn't hurt, and I once again confirmed that I was completely unaffected.

I think at this point his dad had come over and asked if his son was bothering me, and I told him that no, we were just talking.

After his dad was gone, I asked him if he was doing okay. He seemed very angry that day and I wanted to know if he was feeling alright. Turns out he was doing poorly in school and was also being physically abused by his father (which I was actually aware of because I'd seen his dad hit him on Canada Day). So I was like, "Oh no! That's awful. Do you want a hug?" He did take the hug after I convinced him that hugs are not inherently romantic and we shouldn't care if other people think we are dating because WE know we aren't, and it seemed like he really needed that hug.

Then he started asking me big questions. Like how do you just not care about what anyone thinks? Why are you nice to me even though I was mean to you? How do I become smart like you? And I gave him the best answers I could: Because other people's opinions are not nearly as important as they seem, because I'm just nice to everyone and you seemed like you were in a bad spot, and because I read a lot of books and watch educational TV shows. I even offered him some advice for how to manage his anger because he had said he got into a lot of fights a school and at home and always felt angry. I told him to just rip up a box or punch a soft toy when he felt like fighting because that's what I did. Or spend some time alone to cool down. And the classic take some deep breaths.

After that, we did the whole event thing that was happening. I'm pretty sure I did say goodbye, though.

I saw him another time a few months later, and he excitedly told me that my advice really helped and he hadn't started a fight in several weeks. He had also been reading more, was now taking regular trips to the library, and said his grades had improved a lot. Like, from getting a D on average to a B or B+ in almost every class kind of improved. And his parents even bought him an expensive toy that he always wanted as a reward. Most importantly, he said his dad almost never hit him now. I gave him a celebratory hug, because that's such a huge improvement and he seemed genuinely a ton happier. He wasn't a bully now, he was just a normal kid. And arguably he was better off in some ways than the other kids.

I hope that guy is doing okay now. I really do. He seemed like he just needed someone to talk to and who would listen.

[whileyoureinschoolidothisallday]

(cw: like..........kinda death mention if that bothers you??????? talking about it in a disability/chronic illness context)

man I'm having feelings lol (good?????? I think??????????? definitely not bad)

I don't really talk about my specific condition very often because like.....idk. I'm sure other people with permanent since-birth disabilities can relate, but it's such a regular part of my life that I think about it as much as my glasses, y'know?

But I have spinal muscular atrophy, which is a neuromuscular disorder that gets worse over time until it usually passively kills you (most commonly: you get a respiratory infection and your lungs don't have the strength to clear it). Pretty much my whole life I've expected the loss of function and planned accordingly. Like, "okay when you can't use your good arm anymore, we'll get a voice controller so we can still write", "okay when we're on a permanent vent we already have everything set up so we'll be able to comfortably go places with it", etc etc. It's just always been an inevitability I needed to adapt and prepare for instead of avoid.

I've already been on new medication that stops/significantly slows down the progression, which has already shook my worldview that I'm probably not gonna die as young as I always thought I would (and confirmed that the meds are working!!!!!).

But now I just found out today that, in about two years max, they're gonna have a treatment to rebuild muscle as well.

So like...not only will I be on medication that's preventing me from getting worse, but I will potentially also have a medication that helps me regain what I've already lost.

If it's only marginally, that would improve my life significantly. If I had function of my arms, so much of my nightmare scenarios about my independence and staying out of an institution--especially when my mom and dad die or Ace moves away or something--would be quelled. I could take care of myself, like fully truly, and rely a little less on staff for once. I could actually do things that I wanna do but they don't have good adaptive equipment for my own needs, like cooking and cleaning and gardening--playing with my pets!!!!!! video games again!!!!!!!! Witchcraft!!!!!!

For the first time in my life, I wouldn't be living with the expectation that I would be losing something constantly.

I might actually end up being okay.

Idk it's really kinda overwhelming to think about.

[bungoustraypups]

@daught3rsofcain i made a separate post for this, btw, to respect creantzy and (try to) keep any more unnecessary fighting off of their posts, however i feel this needs to be addressed given how it caused issues over on twitter and i wanna make my stance clear as well as make it clear that this kind of comment is unacceptable

tl;dr for anyone who doesn't wanna/can't/doesn't have time to read my whole rant/already agrees with me and doesn't need to be convinced on why you should shut the fuck up if you see fanart/fanfic/other fan shit you dislike or that mildly bothers you but is otherwise harming no one online: curate your online spaces, block liberally and without question, do whatever you need to do to be comfortable, but never demand that other people bend to your will just because you personally think something is disrespectful to you

i'm gonna keep it brief: don't say this shit on someone's art.

you might think it's disrespectful and "disgusting", but that doesn't actually make it so. i implore you to do a little googling into the history of romantic jesus depictions, because if you do, you'll quickly find that people have been doing this very thing for literal centuries.

yes, they had pushback even back then, as most artists who make any kind of art esp religious art often do no matter what they're depicting, but obviously the fact that people continuously do it and that most christians either don't give a fuck or at the very least ignore it and move on.

if you were truly so incensed upon seeing silly fanart of bsd fyodor dostoevsky and a very historically inaccurate depiction of jesus christ based off of leonardo da vinci's gay lover (yes, that is where this very popular depiction of jesus comes from, while there's some debate over who exactly was the muse as leo had a few gay lovers, most people agree the depictions of white or fair-skinned jesus today that are similar to the ones da vinci made are based off of someone he was in love with whether they were in a relationship officially yet or not) you simply could have blocked OP or the post or simply ignored it, and yet you chose instead to do this, which is why i bothered responding

people threatened creantzy on twitter and sent death threats to them over this, for much the same reason as you claim to have left this thoughtless, hurtful comment. even if creantzy doesn't care and can brush it off, which is a fair and valid response, the way people online feel entitled to force everyone they interact with to only produce material they personally agree with is childish, immature, cruel, entitled, and quite frankly, shitty behavior.

it would be one thing if this artwork depicted, for example, a marginalized religious figure, but considering Christianity is not just a major global religion, but is the current dominant global religion with approximately 2.4 billion followers worldwide, and most countries have no discriminatory laws against the practice of christianity or against christians themselves, when the same cannot be said for literally every other religion on the planet right now to varying degrees (if you live in the USA, for example, we may not explicitly forbid the practice of other religions, but hate crimes are rising, especially antisemitic and islamophobic hate crimes, and the perpetrators of those crimes are largely either atheists who were formerly christian, or current christians; and almost all of our major holidays are centered around christian religious holidays, even if the marketing no longer reflects this, that doesn't make it less true)...

basically you're causing a fuss over a non-issue. my grandma is very christian and thinks this art is pretty and even though she doesn't get it, has no real issue with it considering christians themselves have been doing this for... almost since christianity began, arguably. your opinions don't dictate what people should or shouldn't post online.

block, move on, and live your life. stop harassing artists.

[jessybarnes]

Something New

Ship - Cockles - Single!Jensen x Single!Misha

Rating - 18+ Only! Minors DNI!!

Tags - Sexuality struggles, First-time m/m sex, anal fingering, anal sex, rimming, oral (male receiving), mentions of coming out, mentions of not being accepted, anxiety, angst, fluff, smut, comfort, drinking, cursing, NSFW title banner, seriously if you're a minor go away!

Word Count - 3800 ish

Beta - Just Grammarly and Me

Fic Aesthetic - Yours truly

A/N - This is a repost from my old Tumblr account. I am in the process of transferring all of my fics over to this blog. I hope you enjoy. :)

Misha flirted a lot. Everyone knew this and accepted it as a part of his outgoing nature. Jensen, on the other hand, still hadn't grown accustomed to the lingering touches and longing stares from his best friend. It wasn't that it made him uncomfortable, no it was very much the opposite. 

He tried to ignore the way his heart sped up every time Misha's fingers grazed his skin or the way he held him when they would hug, but it was impossible. Jensen didn't want to admit it. He was supposed to be straight, find a nice woman, and give his Mother and Father the grandkids they wanted. Instead, he was having an internal battle with his mind on whether or not his male co-star was hot. 

Jensen sighed and rubbed at his temples lightly. Currently, he was reading over the newest script for one of the upcoming episodes. People probably thought that playing Dean should have come to him naturally by now since he played him on TV for the better part of thirteen years. Sometimes it was more complicated than just 'getting into character' though. 

Certain scenes, much like the one he was reading now, involved Cas and Dean staring into each other's eyes for a longer than normal period of time. That part didn't bother him as much. It was the stage direction that was written in the script. Of course, he didn't write the script or the stage directions so he didn't really have much of a say in how their characters did things. 

Jensen stared down at the off-white paper. His eyes re-reading the same bold print that menacingly stared back up at him. 

INT. THE BUNKER, DAY There's tension between Dean and Cas from a previous argument.  They eye fuck for approx. 30-45 seconds until Sam clears his throat to get their attention.

He swallowed thickly wishing the direction would change, probably for the umpteenth time now. 

Couldn't they have picked a better way to word this?

A sudden knock at his trailer door made him jump. He tossed the script onto his coffee table before walking across the room to unlock it. The familiar silhouette of Jared should have put his mind at ease, but he knew his best friend of so many years would notice something was bothering him. Deciding there was no point in avoiding the inevitable, he flung open the door to let him in. 

"Hey, Jare"

Jared walked up the two stairs into Jensen's trailer and plopped down on his sectional. 

"You're awfully quiet today, Jay. What's going on?"

Jensen sighed, running a hand across his face. Good thing he hadn't been to hair and makeup yet. He didn't wanna piss anyone off this early in the day. Grabbing two beers, he tossed one to Jared and sat down. 

"I don't really wanna talk about it. Not like there's anything anyone can do about it anyway."

He took a long pull of his beer while Jared studied him. He watched Jensen's eyes glance at the stapled packet of papers quickly before focusing on the view from the window. 

"It's something from today's shoot isn't it, Jay?"

Jared picked up the papers and leaned back against the couch. Jensen didn't try and stop him, but he didn't elaborate either. He just sat and watched as the taller Texan read over the page he'd been mulling over a few minutes ago. 

"I don't see anything wrong wi-"

Jared stopped mid-sentence and turned to look at Jensen. He scooted slightly closer and pointed to the middle of the page. 

"It's the 'eye fucking' part isn't it?"

Jensen looked away, picking at a loose string in the hem of his jeans. The beer bottle rested loosely against his lips as he took another swig.

"Jensen, you should really tell him, you know."

It was a miracle the beer didn't come out his nose. It took him a minute to stop choking and gain his breath back. A blush crept up the side of his neck as he looked down at his lap. 

"I don't know what you're talking about, Jared."

Once again the script was tossed carelessly on the coffee table. Jared scoffed and rolled his eyes. 

"Oh c'mon, Jay! You can't possibly think I believe you. I know how you feel about Mish, and I think you do, too. It's okay to admit that you got a thing for him, and frankly, I think you should talk to him about it. I mean look at it this way, how many times have we told fans that it's okay to be yourself. Love is love, and honestly, I think Misha feels the same way."

Jensen let out a defeated sigh. He should have known better. He and Jared can read each other like a book, and sometimes that wasn't necessarily a good thing. 

"I can't tell him, Jared. I'm not supposed to feel things like this for another man. My parents didn't bring me up this way. I'm just going to grin and bear it until we get through shooting this. I'm an actor. I can just push my feelings aside until this is all over with." 

Jared set his bottle down and repositioned himself so he was facing him. Jensen looked miserable. He was clearly stressing way too much over this. He was pale and dark circles lingered under his eyes from lack of sleep.

"Jay, that's bullshit and you know it! You can't control the way you feel for someone. It doesn't matter how your parents wanted you to turn out. What does matter is who you want to be. If the real you is attracted to both men and women, then so be it. If your Mom and Dad can't accept you for who you are, then they aren't taking your best interest to heart."

Jensen rested his head in his hands and shook his head. 

"Even if they miraculously accept the fact that I have a crush on Mish, how the hell am I going to tell him? I have no idea how I'll get the words out, let alone bring it up."

Jared stood up and walked toward the liquor cabinet. He pulled a bottle of Crown Royal from the top shelf and blew the dust off. 

“Sounds like you could use some stronger liquid courage.”

Now it was Jensen’s turn to scoff. He watched as Jared grabbed two glasses from one of the cabinets and put a couple cubes of ice in them. 

“I can’t shoot these scenes drunk off my ass Jared. Bob will have my head.”

If Jared heard him, he didn’t acknowledge it. Instead, he focused on pouring them each a glass. Handing one to Jensen, he sat back down and sipped at it slowly. After a minute of looking between his glass and his best friend, he sighed and licked his lips. 

“Ah, what the hell, why not? Gotta get through today’s shooting somehow.”

Forty-five minutes later everyone was on the Bunker set setting up for the next scene. The crew was getting the lighting perfected while the director, who just happened to be none other than Richard Speight Jr., conversed with Misha across the room. Jensen shifted his weight nervously and tried to look anywhere else. His eyes kept finding their way back to him though. 

Even though their characters wore layers upon layers of clothing, Jensen could still tell Misha had been working out. His thighs were well defined in the black slacks, how the tan fabric of Castiel’s trench coat hugged his biceps made his mouth water and the way his hair was tousled sent image after naughty image through his mind. 

Jensen bit his lip and looked away. There was no way he was surviving this scene. Misha had him hook, line, and sinker, and the way things were looking he was going to end up walking off the set before they had a usable take. Before he was able to dwell on it any longer, fingers snapped in his face bringing him back to reality. 

“Hellooo! Jensen? You okay man? We’re ready to start, but if you need a minute we-”

Jensen pushed past Rich and stood on his mark that was taped to the floor. 

“I’m good. Let’s get this over with.”

Misha studied him, his piercing cerulean eyes making him shiver. Jared walked around the table and sat in front of the open laptop. Things were eerily quiet between the three of them. Normally, they would be joking around until the moment action was called. 

Rich took a seat in the director's chair and looked through the camera one more time making sure the angle of the shot was right before turning his attention back to them. 

“Roll sound!”

One of the crew members came in with a slate board and held it in front of the camera. 

“Supernatural scene thirty-two, take one! Marker!”

Rich took a deep breath and crossed one leg over the other. He knew this was an intense scene so he was mentally preparing himself to do more than one take. 

“Action!”

Misha walked around the table holding a tattered old book. Jensen eyed him furiously as he snatched it out of his hand. 

“Dammit Cas! I know we needed this book, but I told you not to do anything stupid!”

Misha tilted his head sideways, narrowing his eyes. The hand that was holding the book now rested rigidly at his side, his fingers curled into a fist. 

“Dean, this was probably our only chance for us to get this book! I took a chance and brought it back unharmed. I did it for you! You want to save your brother don’t you?”

Jensen slammed the book on the table a little too hard causing Jared to jump. It wasn’t in the script, but no one said anything so he continued with his line. 

“You could have waited for Sammy and me! We could have gone and got it together. Cas, you could have gotten yourself killed man! When are you gonna learn that you’re our family Cas? Family sticks together. Sammy needs you ... I need you. 

Misha stepped slightly closer to Jensen and lifted those ocean eyes up to his green ones. Jensen was shaking. Whether it was with rage or nervousness he didn’t know, but he had to finish this scene. He couldn’t do this more than once. His eyes flitted down to Misha’s mouth just as his tongue came out to wet his lips, and dammit if he didn’t feel his cock twitch. He couldn’t do this. He needed to get out of there. Just as he was about to storm off to the confines of his trailer, Jared cleared his throat. 

“Guys … get this! So, the writings in this book are apparently a dead language! There’s some sort of codex that requires piecing together, but I think I can crack it if I can just get past this encrypted file.”

“Cut!”

Rich stood up and rubbed his hands together. 

“That was great guys! Very well done with the dynamics. Oh! Nice touch with making Jared jump Jay. His face was priceless! I’m recommending that one for the gag reel.”

Jensen wasn’t listening. He was still staring at Misha, who was now taking off Cas’ tan coat. He watched as his back muscles flexed under his white button-up, and immediately felt his mouth go dry. He couldn’t stand in the same space as his co-star any longer. It was too much. Everyone watched as he took off towards his trailer. Anything was better than feeling this way in his opinion.

“Jensen? You sure you’re feeling okay? You look a little flushed. Hey! Jens- Where are you going? We gotta do another take. Jensen?!”

Once he was back behind his trailer door he immediately stripped off all his clothes and tossed them in a pile. Nothing sounded more appealing than a cold shower. He relished the feeling of the cool spray as it cascaded down his body. Jensen propped his arm against the shower wall and rested his head against it. He needed to figure out how to suppress his feelings because he didn’t think he could go through this every day. 

Ten minutes later he cut the water off and shoved the shower curtain back. Jensen shivered as water droplets clung to his skin. He wrapped one of his burgundy towels around his waist and padded back into his kitchen to grab another beer. 

“Hey Jens.”

He didn’t expect to hear another voice coming from his living room area, and he definitely didn’t expect it to be Misha’s. He nearly jumped out of his skin as he whirled around. 

“Jesus, Mish! What the hell?!”

Misha stood and walked across the room not stopping until he was mere inches from him. Jensen swallowed thickly looking down at the neck of the beer bottle to try and distract himself. 

“Why are you avoiding me, Jay? Jared says you’re not, but I can tell you are. You’ve barely said two words to me today other than when we filmed that scene. Even then, I could tell something was wrong. You rarely break character.”

Jensen shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. 

“Mish I … It’s not that simple. Y-You didn’t do anything wrong … I just … I can’t do this.”

Misha grabbed his arm before he could get away and pressed him against the wall. The way Jensen’s breath hitched didn’t go unnoticed by him, and that only confirmed his suspicions. 

“Can’t do what Jay?”

Jensen inhaled sharply, the smell of Misha’s cologne nearly making him moan.

“Wha - What are you doing?!”

Misha rested a hand on Jensen’s chest. The water droplets still lingered and he could feel the rapid beat of his heart against his palm. 

“Shh. Just relax Jay. Just let go.”

Jensen closed his eyes, shuddering under the warmth of his fingertips. 

“I - I don’t know what you’re ta-”

Before he could finish his sentence Misha’s lips were on his. For a split second, all Jensen could do was stand there. Eventually, he threw caution to the wind and began to kiss him back. His lips were pillow-soft and he tasted of spearmint. It was intoxicating, and it only made Jensen more dizzy with want. 

Misha tilted his head and licked at Jensen’s bottom lip requesting permission. He granted him access without hesitation groaning as he licked into his mouth. Misha’s knee pressed between his thigh forcing the towel around his waist to come loose. The friction against his dick along with Misha’s perfect lips kissing and licking along his pulse point became his undoing. Jensen wasted no more time contemplating whether he was making a big mistake or not. The hottest man he’d ever laid eyes on was bringing him pleasure he’d never felt before, and he intended on returning it tenfold. 

“Unngh M-Mish… fuck…”

A low growl came from Jensen’s throat as he maneuvered them toward the hallway. His towel lay forgotten on the floor, his hands finding refuge in Misha’s short dark locks. He tore at the slightly shorter man’s shirt trying desperately to remove it. Buttons littered the small space scattering in different directions when it wouldn’t come off fast enough. Misha chuckled and brought Jensen’s head down for another bruising kiss. 

“Wardrobe is gonna be pissed you know. That was one of Castiel’s only clean white shirts.”

Jensen worked at his belt and wasted no time in shoving Misha’s slacks down his legs. His mouth watered at the sight of his tented boxers, a noticeable wet spot becoming more prominent from his arousal. 

“Don’t care. Wardrobe can take it outta my pay. Need you too bad.”

Misha knew how reserved Jensen was, and the fact that he was unable to speak in full sentences and was on the verge of losing control was by far the sexiest thing he’d ever seen. Slowly Misha sank to his knees and looked up at Jensen through his long lashes. He wetted his lips placing open-mouthed kisses on his thighs. Jensen whimpered shamelessly when Misha licked a long stripe up the underside of his cock. Before he could process what was happening, Misha took him deep into his mouth and didn’t stop until he hit the back of his throat. 

“F-Fuck! Christ, Misha... “ 

Misha couldn’t get enough of how Jensen tasted. It reminded him of sandalwood and old spice. He stripped off his boxers and began palming his cock, moaning at the way Jensen was coming undone by his mouth alone. 

“Fuck Jay, you taste so good. Wanna feel you cum baby. Wanna taste every last drop of that sweet nectar.”

Jensen was so close he could taste it. The heat coiled in his lower belly, and his hands instinctively came out to grasp the back of Misha’s head. His rhythmic thrusts soon became more erratic as the first waves of his orgasm washed over him. 

“Oh fuck! Mish I’m gonna… fuck I-I’m gon- ah!!!”

Jensen watched as Misha swallowed around him making sure not to miss a single drop. He stood, pressing his lean body against his, leaving a trail of kisses along his jaw. 

“Such a good boy Jay. You taste so good too.”

Jensen’s breathing was ragged as he came down from his high. His eyes were closed and his cock was still rock hard. He was a goddamn goner. Never in his life had he come that hard, not until Misha anyway. 

Mere minutes later, Jensen was sprawled out on his bed. Misha was rooting around in his drawers for something, and soon he realized what it was. His eyes went wide at the small bottle of lube and the predatory look in his co-star’s eyes. 

“Mish, I… I’ve never…”

Misha silenced him with a sweet kiss on his lips. 

“I know baby, don’t worry okay? I’m gonna make sure you’re nice and prepared for me. Gonna make you feel so good, Jay. Can’t wait to hear those pretty moans you'll make just for me.”

The sound of the bottle cap opening filled the room and soon Misha was coating his fingers with the shiny liquid. He leaned his body over Jensen’s, resting his weight on one arm. The other slid between his bow legs finding his entrance with ease. Jensen sucked in a breath as Misha pressed one digit against his opening. 

“Shh, baby you gotta relax for me. Just breathe, Jay. Let me in and I’ll show you how good it feels.”

Jensen opened his eyes and was met with Misha’s lust-blown ones. He let out a shaky breath, and let his mouth fall open as Misha eased in his finger. He eased it in and out slowly creating a steady rhythm. It wasn’t painful, but it was definitely foreign. Soon Misha slid in another finger and curled them upwards searching out his prostate. He knew he’d found it when Jensen’s back arched off the bed and the prettiest moan he’d ever heard fell from his lips. 

“Mmmm, Jay… I wanna taste you. Get on all fours baby. Gonna show you how good it feels to be worshiped.”

Jensen flipped over on his belly and gripped his pillow. Misha hooked his fingertips into the place where his thighs met his hips and pulled him so his ass was presented to him nicely. 

“So beautiful... “

Misha placed a hand on each side of his ass and spread him open. Jensen dipped his head low and groaned when he felt the wetness of Misha’s tongue against his hole lapping at him repeatedly. He could feel the familiar heat in his core and began fisting his cock furiously. 

“Oh God… Mish! Please… p-please need to feel you…”

Misha pulled away, his chin glistening with saliva. He turned Jensen over so he was laying on his back again. He pushed two fingers back inside him and began to scissor him open gently. His mouth leaving love bites along Jensen’s inner thighs. 

“Gotta get you ready for me baby. Don’t wanna hurt you any more than necessary.”

Soon Misha was three fingers deep and Jensen was wantonly meeting every thrust. He could almost cum like this. Watching his best friend coming undone by his hands alone. It was almost too much. 

“Please f-fuck me… please! Need you. Fuck Misha please!”

Misha removed his fingers and slicked his cock up with lube. He once again leaned over Jensen and captured their lips in a heated kiss. He knew this would hurt, so he did his best to distract him from the pain. Pressing firmly against his tight hole, he sheathed himself inside him. Both of them moaned obscenely at the sensation, and Misha tried not to cum at the way Jensen’s muscles squeezed him deliciously. After a few seconds, he felt the Texan’s nails scrape bluntly against his chest. 

“Fuck me Mish… Wanna feel everything you’ve got.”

Misha growled and pulled out almost completely, before slamming back into him. Jensen threw his head back and gripped the sheets, not caring that his sinful moans filled his trailer. They built up a steady pace, and both were well aware that people walking by could tell what was going on. Soon Misha’s brutal thrusts became more sporadic. His forehead rested against Jensen’s as his cock pounded him, brushing against his prostate over and over again. 

“Fuck Mish, You’re gonna make me cum again… c’mon baby, fill me up. Wanna feel you cum inside me. Fuck baby, just like that...Oh, God!”

Misha swallowed his moans with a heated kiss. Jensen could feel his second orgasm of the day approaching as Misha continued to fuck into him. He began to stroke his cock feverishly, his ass tight around Misha’s dick as the first spurts of white coated his belly. 

“F-FUCK MISHA!!” 

Misha wasn’t far behind, filling him up, as he felt Jensen’s cum coat their chests. They stayed like that, breath heavy, and beads of sweat covering their bodies. Slowly Misha pulled out and grabbed the nearest article of clothing to clean them up. 

He climbed back on the bed and laid next to Jensen nuzzling into his neck. He felt the warmth of his arms snake around his torso and held him close. 

“Fuck, that was amazing..” Jensen purred. 

Misha peppered kisses along his pulse point and raked his nails lightly down his back. 

“You did so well for your first time, Jay. I’m so proud of you. Took me so well.” Misha said tiredly.

Jensen felt his breathing even out, and soon light snores fell from his lips. It was hard to believe how fast he was falling for this man, but he couldn’t wait to see where they’d take their newfound relationship. Whatever happened, he knew he would be along for the ride

[turtlemagnum]

so, quick summation of today's thanksgiving:

family didn't mind me wearing my noise cancelling headphones! i could still hear em just fine because they're loud and i wasnt listening to music, so that's fine

my grandpa got mildly upset when it turned out the clearly already opened and drank out of 2 liter of mtn dew wasn't brought for anyone but me (the guy who drank out of it with his mouth), but he stopped caring when the guy who owns the house was like "dude, we've got mtn dew". i knew they'd have drinks of their own which was why i didn't bother to bring something for them (aside from me fully expecting for the mtn dew to be what keeps me sane), but i wasn't expecting them to also just straight up have mtn dew

i don't like turkey, it's one of two meats i've had that i actively dislike. but sadly, it's the one bird our shitty founders happened to eat, so it's some harebrained fucking tradition, but whatever. the thing is, parts of my family also insist on having fucking ham, which is literally the only other meat i dislike!!! i like pork, chicken, beef, all kindsa fuckin fish, but they just surgically fucking target the two meats that i dislike!!! my aunt noticed this, and we talked about it a bit and she said she might get some chicken next year for me, which was nice. still, the rolls were decent and dessert was pretty alright, so it's not like im starved or anything

maybe it's just that i'm soft spoken, but i definitely felt like i got talked over and unheard a lot. wasn't nice! still, i managed to make people laugh a couple of times, so that was nice!!!

my uncle had a spacex hoodie on. i didn't wanna ask but i was mildly disappointed in him, albeit not remotely surprised

my aunt and uncle (different ones than the other ones previously mentioned, these are the ones that i'm close enough to actually consider to be family) kept asking if i was coming over to christmas this year, for god knows what fucking reason because the only reason i didn't go last year was because they weren't hosting. no fuckin clue what was going on there

i made a crack at my grandma (which is fairly typical for the entire family, pretty much everybody present also made a crack at her (to be clear the entire family does this to one another, but my grandma is rancid and is the one that usually starts shit so to me it's moreso retaliatory but eh)), but my mom specifically calls me out for it for some fuckin reason (my aunt said that what i said was a good one, at least, made everyone laugh)

got to pet puppies and a kitty!!! the cat used my balls as a place to put his paws before jumping, so i experienced something adjacent to getting kicked in the balls by a cat, so that sucked! didn't hurt that bad though, cat was about as gentle as one kicking you in the balls could be. cat liked being pet under his chin, younger dog was fairly energetic and loving, old man dog was slow and relatively immobile but still affectionate. overall, good time with the animals!! had to take a benedryl when i got home, but i didn't take enough to meet the hat man so i should be fine

all in all, not as bad as i was expecting, the animals were nicer than the last time i came! decent thanksgiving, even if i wasn't able to truly commit to the sin of gluttony

[aplaceforthesoul]

Hello :)

When I was 19 I came out to my parents as bi. Four years later I realised I'm probably a lesbian but I don't care too much about the semantics for my parents: they already know I date women so I don't really care. What does bother me is that in these four years they have very much tried to avoid my attraction to women. They only try to set me up with guys and when I mention dates with women they just...ignore it.

I know it's useless but I feel so sad about letting them down (bullshit, I know). They tolerate my attraction to women but everything they do makes it so obvious they want me to get a boyfriend. I just want them to accept me. They hated my first girlfriend to the point of my mom crying over it asking what she did wrong as a parent.

They tolerate it but wish I were straight and I am just so tired of it, I don't know what to do about it.

Thanks I'm advance

Unfortunately for a lot of parents, accepting that their child is anything other than straight is very difficult. I really wish this wasn’t the case, truly. As it is awful for so many young people who come out to their families.

They might never truly come to terms with your attraction to women. It might forever be something that they struggle with - and that sucks. But all you can do is live your truth and ensure your parents know and respect your boundaries.

The sooner you accept who you are, the stronger you will be at dealing with anyone else’s bullshit inability to do the same. Accepting yourself can be such a powerful thing, I promise.

You don’t have to do anything but live your life and invite your parents to either be a part of it or live on the sidelines. This is easier if you no longer live in their household - (and obviously, I wouldn’t recommend this to anyone whose life would be in danger if they came out).

If it were me, I’d sit my parents down and be clear that this is who I am, I am attracted to who I am attracted to, I wanna date who I want to date - and that if they refuse to accept things as they are, they will find themselves with less of a relationship with me than they already have.

You say they ‘tolerate’ it but it doesn’t seem like you truly tolerate yourself? And that’s something you need to work on. The more confident you feel in it, the less you will seek their approval. I know that is hard but as you get older, I promise these things do get easier. Remember that they have the option to respect you and be a part of your life and you are the one that holds the power in that respect.

Best of luck to you friend.

- Bonnie

[a-tale-of-legends]

Getting tired so gonna talk abt SV stuff for a bit. It's gonna get a little story tell-y lol

In general, I think the entire main plot of SV takes about a few months- a semester really. So I think it's fair to space out the time between each major event( as in the bosses for each route).

With that being said, after the second titan, the one with the bird, Beatriz has pretty much been avoiding both Arven and Luca. Which, tbh, not entirely new given how she acted when she first met everyone, but this one kinda hurt more. Especially for Luca. In his head, he thinks Beatriz is mad at him for freezing up, much like how his dad was back during the darkest day. The reality is that Beatriz couldn't bring herself to look at Luca or Arven after running off from after the last titan. Luca was easier to avoid, being from different schools, but Arven was much more difficult. Especially when he goes out of his way to try and talk to R.B. Before it was pretty much " I don't bother you, you don't bother me" situation. To say they weren't fond of each other was kinda an understatement. The only reason Beatriz agreed to go on the path of legends was because of Luca and kinda Nemona. And honestly, I still think that tension is still there. One titan boss together isn't just gonna fix whatever is going on. In fact, i think it kinda made things worse. So why is Arven trying to talk to R.B? Simply put, her reaction to Mabosstiff was....off. It was one thing to be hostile towards Arven for no reason ( in Arven's eyes), but then that whole thing with Mabosstiff just made things weird. If anything, Arven wants some answers. But he's totally not worried for her. Nope.

It's pretty hard trying to talk to The Calamity at school, he would realize. For one, she's hardly ever out, and he doesn't know where her dorm is. Secondly, if she is out, it's kinda an unspoken rule to not approach. He actually had some students pull him aside to avoid her. This was when Arven truly stated to listen to what the other students are saying about Ramona. How she's a bully. How she caused students to go to the hospital. How she's bullying Luca- that ticked Arven off. Has anyone seen how Luca and Beatriz interact? The girl acts more like an older sister than anything towards his little buddy. How do people equate that to bullying? Arven would ask her if she wasn't so avoidant ( they have some classes together, how is she able to escape him every time????)Surprisingly, in the end it was her that confronted him. She didn't go into anything about her reaction after the second titan, or discuss how the other students talk about her. Rather she, rather sternly, suggested that Luca sat out the next titan. It's clear that the Titans trigger him and that it wouldn't be fair to keep dragging him back to them. Arven is slightly upset that they aren't talking about Beatriz here, but can't help but agree.

There's so much more I wanna talk about: Luca's reaction, R.B and Nemona, Luca and R.B with the team Star bosses, R.B coming semi-clean to Arven by the third titan( which is gonna be so fucking messy god)- but I'm getting tired lol. That's all for now. Later!

[everything-i-couldnt-tell-u]

i just realized what ive been actually doing which was costantly comparing myself to everyone else you interact with, my other alters and other people. ive been always comparing myself to them like an insecure bitch then i'd go paranoid. as i compare myself to them, my head would bring up all the things you said to me so that it will hurt even more. it would connect things you said and did even if they aren't related, collecting every little thing that could possibly scare me that i'll never be truly loved for long.

i would watch every time you interact nicely with my other alters and other people, then i'd compare it to myself, i'd compare it to my messy memories even if they can't be trusted. i would compare them to the times i've felt rejected by you and i'm not even aware of how i've been the one harming myself.

i feel so disgusting after realizing it but what the hell did i expect? i'm a persecutor after all, right? i'll always end up being like this even if i don't want to be. no matter how much i try to become someone better, my horrible traits will always come out. i'm sorry for every time that i went paranoid and im sorry that i've only realized this right now.

my own behavior has only become clear to me after my headmates all decided to temporarily isolate the entire system, so that i wouldn't have to front anymore. i guess it was hard to see myself when i'm lost in front with all of the anxiety. i feel terrible with how my headmates can't interact with other people for too long cause i will always make a mess and ruin everything.

i should've known my place and stayed inside cause in the end i'm the one who's going to lock myself away from everyone. i haven't even talked to arveil for days now either. i don't deserve to face anyone after all the inconvenience i've done. i should be thankful that my alters don't hate me after everything i've done but with how they don't mind anymore if i keep killing myself, i guess i've tired them so much too.

the next time any of my alters interact with you, im sure i'll still keep doing the same cause i can't control it. i didn't mean all of the mess i've done and heaven knows how much i've tried controlling it, how many times i've killed myself to try making it stop. but in the end, it's my fault for wanting to be loved when i know that i'm a persecutor that can never have that. people may love me but i'm cursed to always ruin it. i want to love other people too but my so called "love" is always too messed up to even be considered love. my "love" always turns into bitter resentment and jealousy.

my system isnt cutting ties with you but theyre gonna isolate for a while so that i won't have to front. i dont know how they'll ever be able to function properly when i still exist here like a pest damaging their life. to be honest, i don't feel guilty for everything i've done. i just feel numb and it's actually quite nice that i'm back in my pits of despair, the place where i really belong.

i don't even wanna be called sevy too, i don't think i deserve to be recognized with any name. any little thing about sevy that was good, maybe they were all just things i made up and wanted to be, but i know i can never become that person i was trying to turn into. i dont know why i bothered you so much with my desperation to be loved. i know you tried to love me but i'm sorry that i kept doubting it, i'm sorry that i couldn't appreciate them enough cause i was too busy being paranoid and needing so much more. i swear i loved you a lot, atleast i believe i do but like i said, my "love" is too unhealthy to be called one.

but anyways i guess i should just try my best to keep myself in here so that i won't ruin anything too soon. it hurts less when i stop trying to hope i can ever have fun with other people and just accept that im a persecutor who shouldn't long for anything. i can't even say sorry to arveil cause of how much i messed his life up, but it's better if i really leave you with him

[seancamerons]

*under the cut bc its personal.

sometimes i can be so sensitive if someone types 'different' i get concerned, or even phrases sometimes something differently than usual, i get hurt or torn up about it thinking something bad happened. for example: the other day something was said something about a thing, that thing is irrelevant i guess, and i felt some type of way. idk if i was being sensitive as i find myself being on one or more occasions, or if i had a valid reason to get upset with her/him? that's just one or two incidents otherwise, but it's been bothering me not being able to fully determine, or does everybody in the world secretly hates me or is mad at me for any reason?? i know it sounds like an exaggeration, but what is this called? i hate this, i've been going through this long before therapy and i still think people are mad at me for something that happened years ago so avoid 'em. i think everyone is mad, displeased or, that i'm a bothersome person, when it may/may not be true. i feel like there's a word for this, but it gets worse if i'm under stress or something. i wish people knew i was distant bc i perceive things a certain way offline, but online i feel free most of the time to talk, i suck at reaching out bc i don't wanna be a bother. when i do reach out, i fear the response. it's been going on for a long, long time and idk what it means or what it is? it's been disruptive for some type bc i hold grudges over a lack of communication sometimes, i wish everyone i care about knew this about me so they don't think i'm 'distant' out of anger on cruelty, bc i doubt i'm mad at that person truly, if that is the case. i wish i knew how to stop doing this stuff, i'm tired of it. otherwise, i'm feeling a lot better and able to talk about my feelings more clearly and this is the only thing holding me back from being emotionally free and of a clear mind.

[curedeity]

Being cringe on main and posting a link to this fic again because somehow it has 100 views and not a single comment. And I like promoting my works, especially when I put a lot of effort into them. So hey, if you have the time, please go read (or reread this fic) and let me know what you think. Even get into a discussion with me and lemme know how you think i handled my topic!

For this what I'm actually gonna do is go back and reread this fic (as I type this) and give a bit of a retrospective on this. I find that I often have new thoughts about these sorts of fics when I return, and I just wanna talk about my process. In this part I will also be criticizing my work, which is just something I view as growing as a writer, but I know makes some uncomfortable.

Immediately my focus is on the style of the fic, this isn't my stylistic strong suit but I can really see the growth of my writing. There's some sentences that are a bit clunky and that I'd swap up, but I think it was a good choice for me to keep it simple 3rd person but personable.

"Though Maru was also unsure as to why she’d asked the question, it wasn’t like she knew what she wanted the answer to be." Ahh, one of my biggest struggles as a writer. I want the characters to have the conversation but don't know how to get there. I'm not that bothered by it here, but I know its a problem with my work. Going back, I might've have chosen to write a bit more dialogue between them before reading into this.

...I forgot a quotation mark at some point

"Zyro would battle a burger if it could blade" This is the best thing I've ever written. Gingka Hagane flanderizing Zyro.

Here is where I come into the first problem of this fic, I think cause of my style (and age) I have Maru react a bit too maturely. I really wanted to recapture this feeling you get of first finding out about sexism, and I don't think I manage the exact wealth of reactions.

"Maru wanted to stop thinking about it, lest the acid in the back of her throat keep climbing" Like look at this line? It seems minor, but its very much a bit too mature and clear. Something like "Maru's ears rang, her stomach churning in ways that made her think she'd eaten something rotten earlier. Where was home? Were they close yet?" It illustrates much more her trying to evade the conversation without as much of a sense as to why.

On the flipside, I really enjoy the dialogue between the girls. I think in a lot of writing a critiques, we struggle with the line of self-awareness the character should have. I think this conversation illustrates well a lot of depth. Ren's aware of her treatment, but she doesn't let that all slip to Maru because a) Maru's age and b) this sense of "you can't directly call it what it is, at least not confidently." It's a struggle I've had with a lot of girls I know where we're aware of our treatment but struggle to put a name to it to ourselves, to others, and it can take a while to build up to that.

Ren only starts to spill what she really truly thinks when Maru prompts her enough, I think the conversation is given enough time that finally comes naturally to her.

I think this conversation also highlights the struggle for the rest of the book, which is this very complex dynamic of "how to confront your friends over sexism" its a hard thing to accuse people of. You often feel like you're blowing it out of proportion. And it also identifies this dynamic about how sexism is a systemic version of harm. Maru is, by witnessing and knowing, also experiencing harm. And its a hard topic for them to identify and discuss.

Accidentally had a ; in the place of an ' im fine im fine im FINE

In comparison to Maru and Ren's conversation, Madoka and Hikaru's is immediately more critical of the problem. This is because it was a shorter scene, but also I do think it fits. Madoka and Hikaru are both older, and talking more about a general problem than people they personally know. They are much more confident and comfortable with identifying sexism then. It was also a fun place for to throw in my gripes about a lot of gender segregation in sports, a topic which I want to do more research into.

Not only that, this scene allowed me to quickly identify Maru's internal sexism (even if it may be interpreted as heavy handed). She, too, can;t help but view the "bladers" as "boys".

I think if I rewrote this I'd just do some more research so I could include more specific grips about gender segregated sports. I, in fact, think i should be more blatant and specific.

there is another ; where there should be an ' I WILL NOT BLOW UP I WILL NOT BLOW UP-

I would remove the "Is that also sexism?" joke. Its kinda about Maru becoming intricately aware of gender and suddenly viewing it everywhere, but I don't think its deep enough or serves enough. Its not a line I really like.

THERE IS A THIRD ; IN PLACE OF AN ' THIS FIC IS BEING NUKED FROM THE INTERNET ILL NEVER WRITE AGAIN THIS WAS ALL A MISTAKEEEEEEEEEEEE

Okay but this conversation between Madoka and Maru though... I have a lot of thoughts on it. It was the conversation that changed the most, and the hardest to write. Biggest changes I'd make is to not let Maru identify the issue as sexism (she is not ready for that) and maybe let Madoka talk a bit more about how many differing gendered experiences there can be in beyblade. I feel like this fic still worked a lot better than my first and that I could never be comprehensive, but it still feels like there's ground I want to cover. Also, some of the metaphors don't hold up.

On the other hand, I think this conversation just holds a lot of nice weight. Letting Maru seek out a positive adult influence was something that was important to me, especially with that influence being Madoka. And having Madoka recognize the effects on both of them this situation could have makes that theme more obvious.

I think maybe what this conversation needs the most is Madoka admitting that sometimes, if people aren't treating you right (being discriminatory) you do need to leave them, but Madoka is coming from a place where she also knows the kids Maru is talking about, and is hoping that Maru will let her talk to them on her behalf.

I mistook "role" for "roll" i think i need to actually start editing my fics god fucking dammit.

I think something I did a good job at throughout the fic is highlighting Maru's deteriorating mental state. She really becomes more and more uncomfortable in her own body and with the people around her. Even those she trusts normally she's now questioning, because she's becoming so aware of this systemically.

The other aspect of this scene is Zyro and Shinobu's rivalry and the way the show treats Ren. This is something I hope I recaptured canon from, while actually centering Ren and a feminine perspective. I think I did a pretty good job breaking down all the ways this is messing with Ren's self-confidence, and now, Maru's.

I normally frontload a lot of exposition, but I think waiting until now to do a shorter montage of Maru's thoughts does a better job. At this point in the narrative, it serves as a reflection on all the relationships shes beginning to question.

And now we're at the climax of the story and. oh god. Takanosuke. This might surprise people or they may doubt it, but I genuinely like Takanosuke. He's a very silly character in so many ways, and one of the more likeable on the cast. I genuinely think he and Ren have a good dynamic as friends.

But I really think, on a totally textual reading, he's one of the biggest forms of the show's sexism.

It's a very hard balance, critiquing such a loved and likeable character in a way that doesn't mischaracterize them. I really worked to keep his dialogue likeable and fun to show that he's still the same character. I put a lot of effort into him be the antagonizing force in the piece, but also someone Maru is strawmanning in place of the problem.

It's one of the elements I think has turned people away from the fic, while I find it endlessly cathartic. Having him have to deal with his mistakes and the implications of his character... its honestly the only place I can genuinely like him in.

Also, in this section, I like having Maru act harsher to Takanosuke's mannerisms that aren't things she'd normally mind, or that make her a bit of a hypocrite. I think that's always a good and easy way of showing how close to the brink a character has been pushed.

"What was it she’d heard Director Hikaru say about Ryuga at some point? Maru wanted to take this guy’s intestines and feed them into a garbage disposal. Yeah, that was probably right." Assume that Hikaru said this with like 20 extra expletives.

I honestly forgot that I gave Maru a named bey.

"Feet spread wide, hold your arms steady, Maru had heard all the advice, and given most of it herself" me and my girlfriend (comma splices)

The evolution of this battle, I think, was something that was off the cuff. I knew the two sections of it I wanted, and then just let it flow. I don't really like writing battles, but I find them good structures sometimes for emotional moments. Watching Maru's conceptions unravel as she admits more and more how personally shes taking this is something that I think hits hard in this section. It was also quite fun to write a battle of someone that doesn't have much experience, and the dialogue around that (with Takanosuke being kinda off-kilter having to battle someone in this state).

Something I like doing in writing like this is the slow unraveling about how these girls think of their own interests. Its something I also did a bit in Madoka's piece, but the way we see Maru going from talking about writing mechanics and get hint after hint about how she struggled to gain respect, seeing finally that it was the only place she thought she could go because of the pressure on bladers is something that really speaks to me personally. I used to be very involved in sports, and slowly got less and less into it, and I don't think it was just because I was lazy. Noting all those ways you tried to cover it up as your own choice, or your own preference, but really was because you just felt off in another environment? God I love shit like that.

Listen I love Maru's pov but I also wish i had written from Ren's POV just so you could see her panicked "oh shit oh shit oh shit" mantra when Maru starts crying

This is where the theme of them both being hurt comes to a head, and also a conversation I had to think about a lot and stll have to think about a lot. Its important to note that a lot of people dont bring up stuff like this over safety, and its important to respect other peoples decisions. At the same time, even as an observer, there are always going to be these certain thoughts and emotions you have. Basically, I wanted this piece to be a validation of Maru's emotions without saying that it was wrong for Ren to prioritize herself.

Ren thought of her own struggles as just that. Her own. Stuff she had to handle and go through alone. She thought that she could handle it, because it was just her, because she could be strong enough to handle others dismissing her because she had enough self-assurance. She was almost trying to prove to herself that she could be enough.

But she forgot these actions have systemic consequences, and is now being reminded of that.

(Also, Ren is older than Maru, and that colored some of their interactions, because ofc Ren doesn't expect Maru to be able to handle this)

I don't know if its a moment i did perfectly, but rereading it, I don't think its a moment I did horribly.

"He glanced over, catching her gaze, and immediately looking like a deer she’d run over." Takanosuke dealing with the consequences of being in a shonen anime

"Not some evil villain for Maru to defeat and thus conquer the evil beast of sexism." NOT ME USING EVIL TWICE IN THE SAME SENTENCE

This next part, above all, is what really encouraged me to write this fic. Everything beforehand were my gripes with the show, the handling, all of it, tried to be put through a feminine narrative perspective. After this, its about success, its about what could be, how to reach that point of just cathartic joy. Having Maru and Ren synchrome was the best idea of this project. Synchrome, in itself, is a simple but narratively effective system, and its so nice to have a shortcut like that to developing these themes. It immediately brought to mind images of sisterhood, of group power, and of how women support each other. Having Maru get to be the one entrusted with the bey was also so important to me. It would've been easy to give this moment of success to Ren, but this is still Maru's story, and part of it isn;t just about Ren being better (which i think wouldve been the implication if i gave it to her) but about THEIR success together.

I think if I rewrote this the end battle would be longer, but I was probably ready to murder something by this point in the fic.

All in all, returning to this fic, it holds up much better than its predecessor. The writing is more solid, focused, and I hope Maru's arc is compelling and engaging. I think Ren, Maru, and Takanosuke are all well-characterized in this fic, and they were so much fun to write. Creating this fic was an amazingly cathartic experience, and so was writing this retrospective. I dunno if I expect anyone to read, I hope you will and that you'll read the fic, but in the end, it meant something to me. That's the best type of writing.