#to be clear I’m not trying to ‘prove’ that anything was or wasnt real

[damian-janus-pendragon]

Also a review Two of Us play based on the 2000 film made Michael Lindsay Hogg who made the Let it Be documentary and actually knew them:

….

Do y’all UNDESTAND.

Best RPF Ship - Round 6 Match 2

[thechangeling]

Say my name or I won't survive

This is an extension of my headcannon for non binary Kit. He uses he/they pronouns. Kit comes out to Jessa as nonbinary.

Tw: mentions of transphobia/enbyphobia

A lot had happened since that conversation with Magnus. Kit usually didn't like to make a habit out of breaking down in people's arms. But it had become clear in that moment that they needed to talk to someone. That they needed to face the things they had been pushing down, trying to avoid.

Kit was currently standing in front of the mirror in his bedroom. Magnus had let them take some clothes that had been magically altered to fit Kit. Just so he could experiment with wearing them.

So far he hadn't made it out of his room wearing a dress or a skirt, but Kit was trying to take baby steps. Well mostly they were just scared. Scared of what Jem and Tessa would say.

Scared of what everyone would say. Like what if he was just making everything up? Or maybe he was just confused? Shadowhunters were big on tradition. Asking people to use different pronouns for Kit and stop using his full name might be a challenge for some people.

Like Jace, their brain supplied.

Kit stared at their reflection on the mirror. Magnus had started teaching them how to apply makeup and experiment with it. Kit confessed that when they were younger they used to steal eyeliner and lipstick from drug stores and put it on when Johnny was otherwise occupied. Kit was still no where near Magnus's level of talent but they were pretty good.

Kit had done simple makeup today, not looking for anything too crazy, just a little mascara to make his eyes pop and concealer to cover his light bruising from training. He hadn't wanted to look too girly during this conversation, he figured it was better to ease Tessa and Jem into this whole thing.

Also Kit didn't always feel like looking too girly, even though as Magnus constantly reminded them, clothes and makeup didnt have a gender. They liked playing around with different concepts, different styles. The societal ideas of femininity and masculinity were just that, ideas. There were no real rules, not when Kit stopped playing the game.

They stared at themself in the vanity mirror, trying to think of exactly what Kit was going to say to Jem and Tessa. Just saying the words, "I'm nonbinary" didn't seem good enough. They felt like they needed to give a proper explanation of their feelings and experiences or else they would be accused of faking it.

The urge to prove ones validly, the need to make sure people knew he was real and he wasnt crazy, it was more importent then anything. It was infuriating. Knowing that his experiences could be so easily dismissed as delusional feelings.

Not trans enough. Not cis enough. Not gay enough. Not straight enough. Kit's mere existence was a controversy on it's own. It was exhausting enough to make Kit want to abandon the whole idea of coming out again all together. Maybe it was easier just to smile and nod everytime someone misgendered them. Ignore the clenching of their stomach and the punch to the chest that came with it.

Smile and nod and be the man he was meant to be. But he had been doing that for 18 years and he couldn't survive it much longer. Kit needed to come out. People needed to acknowledge his reality and use the proper pronouns for him.

Or else Kit was going to wither away, shrivel up into something unrecognizable. A shell of their former self. They were going to die if they had to hear "Christopher" one more time.

The only time it was tolerable was when Ty said it. Kit could almost pretend that he could be the person Ty thought he was, if it would make Ty happy. He used to think that he could let himself wither away and die as long as Ty was ok. As long as Ty was safe and happy.

But that wasnt ok. That wasnt fair. Kit deserved to be safe and happy as well. One of the things they had learned with Jem and Tessa was that Kit deserved to put themself first sometimes. Kit deserved good things despite what Johnny Rook had made them believe. Kit wanted Ty to be ok. They wanted Ty in general.

But Kit needed this.

He took a deep breath and exited his room, heading downstairs to the kitchen where Jem was cooking breakfast and Tessa was trying to get Mina to settle down. Everyone looked up as soon as Kit entered the room.

"Kitty!!!" Mina screamed excitedly, waving her arms around. Tessa shushed her fondly, scolding her for yelling.

"Good morning Christopher," Jem said with kind a smile. "How did you sleep?"

Kit tried to ignore the way their stomach clenched at the sound of their birth name. Dead name, their brain supplied. They needed to tell Tessa and Jem. Kit slid into a nearby chair with a heavy sigh.

"I need to talk to you guys about something," he muttered, trying not to sound too nervous or dejected. Tessa and Jem shared a worried glance.

"Is everything alright Kit?" Tessa asked sparing Mina a glance, probably wondering if she should be removing her from this conversation. Kit shut his eyes briefly and took a breath.

"Yeah I hope so. I just need to tell you something," Kit ran their fingers through their curls. Jem and Tessa watched them, waiting patiently. Kit tried to ignore the shakiness of their breath and the way their palms.

"Here's the thing," Kit began. "You might not get it but I need to ask you to respect it ok?

He didn't wait for their responses. "I'm nonbinary. Which basically means that I'm neither male nor female. I'm something else, something seperate. I don't know I guess I just think of myself as a person who doesn't really have much of a gender," he was staring at the tabletop refusing to make eye contact. "It's just sort of like, if you think of the colour spectrum as gender, I would be a blurry watercolour. A mixture if all kinds of different things and sometimes some colours are more vibrant then others. And then sometimes it's just gray."

Kit wasnt sure if any of this was really making any sense but they knew they had to try. Jem and Tessa were both still silent. Mina was happily chomping down on her breakfast and ignoring all of them. Kit took this as a sign to continue.

"I don't exactly know why I'm like this or how I know. But maybe there are some things that you just can't explain. You just know. Like I know that the sun will set and then rise again tommorow and I know that I love you guys," Kit voice faltered at the last part. He looked up at Tessa and Jem, panicked over seeing their reactions.

But they were both just staring at Kit with huge, loving smiles on their faces. Kit's breathing slowly began to return to normal but their hands were still shaking. Tessa csne towards them slowly, grasping Kit's hand in hers.

"Baby it's ok," she cooed. "You have nothing to be ashamed of. It's just like we told you when you first came out as bisexual, we will always love you no matter what." Jem nodded.

"I have admit this whole thing is rather fascinating," Jem chimed in with a smile. "I've never heard the term before." Kit fought the urge to remind him that two weeks ago he had never heard of playstation, but decided against it.

Mina was paying attention to them now and she was smiling at Kit. "No bany!" She cried excitedly. Kit couldn't help it, he through his head back and laughed. Mina scowled at him slightly. "Not quite Min-Min," Kit told her playfully.

"Do you have different pronouns that you would like us to use?" Tessa asked. Kit's heart fluttered at the question. They didn't actually think either Tessa or Jem would think to ask.

Kit cleared their throat. "Yeah do you think you guys could use alternating he/they pronouns for me? Like use he in one sentence and then use they?" Kit instantly felt kind of guilty for complicating things further. "I'm sorry I know that's kind of confusing."

Jem shook his head, "no it's fine! We just want you to feel comfortable." Tessa nodded in agreement. "Is there anything else?" Kit pulled Mina's hands off of their shirt. She had begun to tug and pull out of boredom.

Kit nodded. "Yeah do you think you could stop calling me Christopher please?" He hoped he didn't sound to harsh. There was something so guilt inducing about having to ask for these things. It felt like Kit was making unneccessary demands. But he wasn't. He had every right to.

Jem instantly looked sheepish. "I'm so sorry Kit," he said softly. Tessa looked guilty too. Kit shook their head.

"Its ok. You didn't know. Just don't do it anymore ok?" Kit felt significantly lighter, like a giant weight had been lifted off of their shoulders. They slid out of their stool to walk around to the other side of the kitchen island and hug both Jem and Tessa.

Kit knew it wouldn't always be this easy. He knew that this life would be complicated and difficult, but it would also be full of exploration and freedom.

Kit would always have a place he belonged.

"I am also a we."

- Sense 8

Tag list you know the drill, let me know if you want on or off: @scrat-is-god @playwithravenclaw @lavender-scented-rat @knifescythe @ti-bae-rius @dianasarrow @doitforthecarstairs @jazzkaurtheglorious @waterlillies @zfoxdraws @julieandthefandoms @older-brother-kit @ilikebooks8 @nott-the-best @stxr-thxif @magnus-the-fabulous-entp-bane @autumnangel20 @hufflepuffyskam

[mr-walkingrainbow]

Kings, Queens, Royalty, what are our (yes obvi collective bc we're all sharing a braincell here with everything Abimel) thoughts on Miss Abigael trying to bind her powers? And what are our theories about Miss Abigael and Miss Jordan being stuck in (I'm calling it a prison world because I deadass cannot remember the right word for) those separate prison-y worlds? Who's going to notice they're missing, Maggie or Mel??

OK TIME TO RANT.

TW. SPOILIES FOR S3 Ep 11.

TW Mentions of suicide and suicidal behaviors. TW cutting mention

TW depression

TW self harm

HELLO FELLOW KING/QUEEN/ROYALTY.

1. I fucking lost my shit with this episode. The writers are just fucking up huge. Abby is now moved to the most dangerous level of her depression, EXTREME self harm. Before she’d do things but she’d always wake up before it actually hurt her. Hell, this time she literally grabbed shards of glass and went ham on her skin like it was a piece of cake! How did she even reach her shoulder???? They didn’t even show all her wounds and that’s terrifying. she literally fully took sharp things and tried to kill herself from self injury and blood loss. I just.

i can’t.

the charmed writers have still not acknowledge this is depression, or done a thing on how self harm is horrible. Or have anyone actually recognize what Abby is doing without some cruel insult.

and considering the leap that happened, I’m honestly terrified she’s going make the final leap and they will barely even acknowledge it, nevertheless treat it as the delicate and important subject it is.

Literally every scene. Every scène in this was gut wrenching. Waking up in disarray and a desttoyed room, only to be covered in your own blood. (Ok technically she wasn’t, which is also logically incorrect, like what, her demon side decide to be nice and clean up the blood that was 100% no doubt pouring down her arms and body?) yeah no.

Walkinh up to Jorden. Asking him to help her do a binding spell.

Im gonna take a second here to establish that this is Abby. Abigael Jameson-fucking-Caine. the literal DEMON OVERLORD.

she lives for her magic. Magic is who she is and how she lives and she practically breaths the stuff. She’s the most magical out of all of the people on the show. It was how she was raised. It was ingrained into her more then anything else

the fact that she made a split second decision to get rid of ALL of her powers FOREVER.

It just is truly the ultimate show of how desperate she is. How much pain mentally and physically this is causing her.

im not even comment on the fact that I nearly cried from how soft Jordan was patching her up.

🥺😭😭😭 ok yes I am I just did GOD I LIVE FOR THEIR PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP ALMOST MORE THEN OVERWITCH THEMSELVES!

ALMOST! That’s a very hard almost. Overwitch is what gets my heart pumping in the morning.

bro just FUCKING bro! She was so scared. So so scared of the binding ritual. She didn’t want to do it but she had too. It was pure fear and desperation. (I flinched when she whimpered as she cut her hand. She’s already cut herself way to much in the last 24 hours. I’m not even gonna begin on the rollercoaster of thought’s she might have been feeling)

Also, is it just me, or is she ALWAYS too eager to go and slice her palm if they need demon blood for a spell. Like she generally doesn’t care if she hurts herself in the process. hell she proved that by literally poisoning herself painfully to get Harry’s attention.

and that was BEFORE getting a suicidal demon side.

god she’s been a mess for so long and no ones realizing it.

Bro. BRO. JORDAN. WAS. SO. FUCKING. SOFT when he was about to apparently STAB her??? Like what the fuck was that??? Oh to get rid of your powers we need EVEN MORE BLOOD or for you to flat out die, NO BIGGIE!

but look at him as he does it. He stands and gently caresses Her shoulder. I fucking sobbed at that. He holds her like she’s a fragile broken sparrow. A innocent bird. I NEED more of that.

haha if that’s not enought let’s add some MORE PAIN. onto this overwhelming ANGST SESH.

THE PERFECTI DECIDE TO SEND HER TO THE TOMB OF FUCKING CHAOS BY BURNINH A SYMBOL INTO THE BACK OF HER NECK??? WHERE SHE APPARENTLY FINDS A (hammer??) SOMEWHERE! (not gonna lie I didn’t know what I was missing till my life was complete with Abby with a hammer) anywho-

you fucked up perfecti!

the tomb of chaos is for the most evil of monsters and demons, who even murderers are afraid of

IT IS NOT FOR HALF DEMON HALF WITCH SUICIDAL BEANS WHO ARE LITERALLY TRYING TO DIE EVERY NIGHT AND TRYING TO REDEEM HERSELF

THE DIFFERENCE IS MORE THEN CLEAR.

bruh her scream though

🥺 jorden was so concerned

WHEN ABBY CALLED OUT FOR ‘JORDY’ WHEN SHE WAS NERVOUS AND ALONE

when she says ‘Anyone?’ That KILLED ME.

i SWEAR. If she’s gonna see hallucinations of her family I WILL loose my shit.

MY GOD. If in her dream cell she’s dating Mel??? like maybe that’s her incorrect thing.

also WHAT THE FUCK was that beginning scene??? So we all agreed that when she’s in her full on body length let’s bring out the angsty lace dress state, that shes “Asleep” and “Unconscious.” And “NOT LUCID OR SANE AT ALL”

like a normal person

so your telling Me, UNCONSCIOUSLY. She went to the CHARMED ONES HOUSE??

to do exactly WHAT exactly??? She’s not gonna kill them? She wants to kill herself! and she doesn’t even want them to die in real life.

so that’s un probable.

unless the reason she came their wasnt violence related at all!

she’s first in the house , and the first thing she says is MEL.

theirs a dramatic long pause and then she says the other sisters names

as if mels the soul purpose and Maggie and Macy are the unwilling spares.

AKA. CANONLY. IN HER TIME OF NEED. SHE GOES TO MELS HOUSE. TO SEARCH FOR MEL. SO MEL CAN BE THEIR WITH HER

AKA MEL IS EVERYTHING

OVERWITCH CANON

MIC DROP!

(i swtg if they hurt her next episode I will RANT AND BOYCOTT SO AHRD!)

[bridgyrose]

Hi, I hope you're having a nice day :)

Snowfall prompt?

Cinder leaves Salem and starts working with the good guys but they are all, understandably, still suspicious of her and she's also very cold and reserved. She goes on a mission with Winter and is forced (by Salem or maybe someone else) to remember her past in Atlas, revealing it to Winter in the process.

After they finish their mission they go back to the place where they're currently staying (hotel room, one bed situation maybe) and Cinder can't hide all her feelings of hurt resurfacing after remembering such a traumatic event in her life. Winter, although still resenting Cinder for all she had done to her and the people she cared about, decides to put that aside for the moment and comfort her the best she can because she understands how such an unfair treatment could have caused Cinder to be the way is today and how much strength it must take Cinder to try to overcome her past and do the right thing.

Cinder sighed and sat down on her bed, wiping tears from her eyes. The mission was supposed to be a simple one: go into Beacon and search for the relic. With Winter helping her, clearing out the grimm was supposed to go easy. But nothing could’ve prepared her to face… that. 

Winter sat down next to her and put a hand on her shoulder. “Everything okay?” 

“They… they still hate me…” 

“They dont hate you. Worried you’re still going to hurt them, but they dont hate you.” 

Cinder nodded, shaking a bit as she wiped a few more tears from her eyes. “R-right…” 

Winter went silent, awkwardly sitting next to Cinder for a few minutes. “There’s… something else, isnt there?” 

Cinder didnt answer at first, trying to hold back her emotions. But that grimm they faced and the gas it let out, those visions of what happened to her… all of it became too much. Tears streamed down her face as she broke down into sobs, unable to hold anything back. She had thought she was over her past. That she could no longer be hurt by it. But seeing it all happen again, watching herself get shocked while Rhodes stood by doing nothing, the Madame and the look she had every time she punished Cinder, even her step sisters… all of it hurt to see again. The scarring around her neck burned as if someone was shocking her all over again. 

Winter sighed and awkwardly pulled Cinder into a hug, rubbing her back. “It’ll be okay. We’re safe here. I’m… I’m not sure what you saw while fighting that grimm, but whatever it was, its not real.” 

“It… was though…” Cinder wiped away a few tears, moving the collar of her shirt to show the scarring around her neck. “I… I was used as a slave when I was younger. Abused for the littlest of mistakes. One day after being shocked, I hid away and stole a hunter’s weapons. For a moment, I thought I had finally found my way out of there, at least until he caught me. But then, he started training me. I wanted to be a hunter like him one day so I could never feel powerless. But one day… I just… I couldnt take it anymore and snapped.” 

Winter hesitated as she listened to Cinder, realizing her upbringing wasnt all that different from her own. “Just couldnt take it anymore, could you?” 

Cinder shook her head. “The madame and my step sisters found the swords my mentor gave to me. And then she punished me for what felt like hours. When I couldnt take it anymore, I… I just…” The memories of that night started running through her mind again, the way it felt to break the necks of her family, the pain she felt from the repeated shocking even after she put up her aura, how good it felt to finally have the power for a little freedom. “I killed them. My mentor walked in as I killed the madame and he… he was so disappointed in me. Instead of trying to help me, he drew his swords and then told me all I’d ever do is run now.” Cinder took a few deep breaths, trying to keep herself calm, her hand starting to heat up. “I ended up killing him too. I didnt… I didnt want to, but I was afraid and angry and… and I… I couldnt-” 

“You did what you had to after he didnt give you a chance.” Winter sighed and looked over to Cinder, feeling torn between hating her and feeling sorry for her. “As a huntsman, he should’ve tried to get you out, although I know the laws for Atlas dont exactly make that easy. I think I understand now why you’ve been with Salem for so long. The power she promised to you, it was for your freedom, wasnt it?” 

Cinder nodded, looking at her prosthetic and creating a small fireball in her hand, cooling it off into ice. “She found me a couple years after all of that, offering to train me as long as I helped her bring about a new world order. That there was power I could have that would make sure I could never fear losing my freedom. What I didnt realize was that she was basically the same as the madame. All I did was trade one mistress for another, being punished the same way unless she needed me. And I kept trying to justify every reason I had to stay with her.” 

“Until she abandoned you.” 

Cinder nodded, looking back down to the ground and dropping her ice ball, letting it shatter. “Until she abandoned me, left for dead at your mercy.” 

“Then we’ll try to make things right.” Winter took Cinder’s hand and held it tightly. “I can only judge you from what I’ve seen, and Ruby’s made it clear that you will have to atone for what you’ve done. And to start, I’m going to give you the chance you were denied before. To let you prove yourself.” 

Cinder looked over to Winter, slightly confused by why she’d do that for her. “You… You really mean it?” 

“I do. Everyone deserves a second chance. Especially someone who was denied a first.” 

Cinder immediately hugged Winter, starting to sob into her shoulder. “Thank you. I… thank you.” 

Winter smiled softly, rubbing Cinder’s back. “Just dont make me regret this.” 

[zhuhongs]

Upon rereading tgcf, one of the biggest complaints I have is how lackluster all the extra chapters were. literally none of them were good and all contained rlly gross and harmful sentiments (like the amnesia one which.. yea.. or all the things implying xl should get pregnant for hc thus equating gay relationships with hetero ones and playing into the wife thing and just GOD I HATE MXTX) 

There were a lot of little plot points i wish that had been further elaborated on more in the extras as opposed to hualian being ... like that. I had enough. Like mdzs had actaully good extras (minus the incense burners) that were nice side stories that elaborated more on the characters. Like the hook one with the juniors was so cute and i loved seeing them grow more. Or the lotus pod extras omg.. im such a lotus pod extra stan. those were so cute and gave us a lot of good insight into just how lovestruck lwj was during the times when he didn’t see wwx. mxtx should've stuck to those sorta extras in tgcf but NOOO. SO I have a list of so many other more interesting things those chapters couldve been spent on like:

A resolution on He Xuan’s revenge and his character arc. Bc its implied He Xuan is still hanging out and watching over sqx and that taking revenge didn’t fully satisfy him bc ok.. yea shi wudu is dead but he xuans family will never come back. Now what does he have to live for?? i wish we couldve seen a look into his life during the entire ordeal. like a chapter from his perspective while he was posing as Ming Yi  and maybe a look at a conversation btw he xuan and the real ming yi or a chapter after SQX was banished to see what he’s doing now. Also what did he xuan owe hua cheng money for anyways?? Like ik not every little thing has to be explained but I Want to Know. PLEASE more goth boyfriend content now I just wanna see him :,((

a better resolution of yin yu and quan yizhens storyline. im still mad abt how that plot point was split btw books 3 and 5  when it was rlly out of place and  there were other more pressing plot matters and it just rlly deserved more time. Also i thought yin yu died!?!?!? but apparently one of the extras says he’s alive and man... i;m not reading any more of the extras to see that, give me a full yin yu and quan yizhen chapter.. fuck.

a day in the life of the guoshi fangxin or general hua PLEASE especially like one where hua cheng was SO CLOSE to meeting xie lian but had no clue that xie lian was there at the time but the two did smth that inadvertantly helped the other and they still were connected even though they hadnt met omg pls that’d be so nice. like imagine Hua cheng catching a glimpse of the guoshi in public in yong’an while he’s trying to follow some lead that points to xie lian or maybe following a lead to capture qi rong bc he said he knew qi rong was a part of the yong’an stuff and originally thought the guoshi was one of qi rongs pawns. like can you IMAGINE him getting so close. but at the last second he did smth small that impacted xie lian. like they bumped into eachother on the street or smth. god i’d go crazy

OR vice versa.. like a day in the life of the young ghost king hua cheng. Like again, one of my biggest issues was that hua cheng just knew everything and its never really explained how he got all of that info. like yes he’s been alive very long and has eyes and ppl working for him everywhere but like... how did he build that network?? I’d love to see a chapter of young ghost king hua cheng travelling around trying to learn as much as he can abt the world and how it can help bring him to xie lian. and the two maybe are in the same kingdom for a bit and they don’t meet exactly but hua cheng stops some fight or something and helps xie lian indirectly or maybe xie lian is performing on the street in some costume and hua cheng doesn’t recognize him and smiles and gives him a coin or smth. idk i’m just dying for any sorta extra chapter or fic like that. i’m honestly so tempted to write my own but i cant write

also!! we’ve seen how xie lian picks up people down on their luck near him and show them kindness (like banyue, lang ying, xiao ying, he tried to with san lang but we know how that ended lmao) so i’d love to see another little vignette of him doing that on his travels and how every person he meets teaches him smth about life and being a good person and idk, i just think it’d be rlly sweet. i love this facet of his character and feel like we didn’t see enough of it towards the end.

ALSO hua cheng only seems to respect one heavenly official besides xie lian and thats yushi huang.. i assume thats mostly bc she was the only one to help xie lian and let him use the rain master hat to bring water to yong’an. I was thinking maybe when he was a new supreme he had run into trouble and maybe was picked up by the rain master and helped him heal and in return he promised to help protect her village from harm in the future. Like i know a heavenly official wouldn’t cooperate with a ghost like that but yushi huang is different and doesn’t really care about the heavens so i think she would protect him if he could do something to benefit her village. ik this is kinda far fetched but when he first became a supreme I’m sure a bunch of ppl probably tried to mess with him and didn’t rlly believe him to be undefeatable bc he hadn’t proved himself yet also i doubt all his power came overnight. he had to learn how to use it once he escaped the kiln. and some group probably thought they could weaken him somehow. I’m thinking maybe a rlly well formed group of ghosts actually caught him off guard once and he had to retreat and was picked up by the rain master and stayed with her and learned from her a bit. i think it’d be a cool concept also i just rlly want more yushi huang content and i’m on their friendship agenda bc he rlly did seem to actually respect her when she first appeared and i think it’d be cool if the two had some history together.

Also idrc if this was addressed I couldve missed it But!! Did xie lian ever tell Hua cheng that the reason he got the curse shackles and was banished again in the first place wasnt bc jun wu wanted to punish him, but because he requested it. And specifically requested it bc he felt guilty abt letting wu ming take the human face disease and disperse for his sake. So he took the shackles and descended to atone for that?? Bc I dont recall hua cheng learning that bc his soul was already dispersed at that point so it didnt follow him and xie lian didnt say anything so uhhh... someone should tell hua cheng that. Like I dont think xie lian rlly said how much hua cheng meant to him and didnt show him he was loved in grand ways. Like xie lian did always care for bc in other ways but I think if hua cheng learned abt this on screen it wouldve been such a great moment and I'm rlly surprised mxtx didnt address this iirc!?!? Like imagine jun wu telling Hua cheng this in the kiln bc xie lian wouldnt say it himself. Imagine how cool that would be.

Also a small thing adding into the whole young ghost king Hua cheng stuff. Its implied and p much stated that hua cheng isnt his real name. That he likely doesnt have a real name bc his parents died? (It's not clear. I'm still mad at mxtx for not making his childhood clearer). So I'd like to see when and why hua cheng chose that name for himself. The new tgcf ending song kinda hints at its meaning with the lyrics "for you I'd fill a city of flowers" as xie lian is the flower wielding martial god so it's probably inspired by that. Also xie lian saved hua cheng from leaping off the city walls but I'd love to hear him say it bc the implication of his name didnt dawn on me for quite a bit and I dont know if everyone made the connection. Again I sure as hell didnt. So itd be cool to see a chapter that takes place in his past after just ascending as a supreme

Overall I rlly think tgcf had a lot more potential to be even better and a lot of that comes down to fleshing out the side characters and letting hualian have more of a storyline independent of one another. like i know the appeal and message of tgcf is that through love, people can overcome anything, but fuck man. i just wanna see what these two (mostly hua cheng) where like in the absence of each others presence. Part of what I really liked abt mdzs is that we got to see that longing develop btw wangxian when the two weren’t together and how they thought about each other and did things in thei others spirit bc they knew the other wouldve done the same thing. but whatever, mxtx was too consumed by her own unhealthy idea of what devotion and true love looks like but still. i rlly think the extras couldve helped the story be better rather than be fujoshi fuel that i try to bleach from my mind -_-

[minamotoz]

Thoughts on the Lumon friendship and also the potential of their romantic relationship?

I HAVW MANY THOUGHT. BRAIN FULL. this is gonna be a very long post.

starting with their platonic relationship: top tier, easily the healthiest and most wholesome throughout the show. theres a lot of mutual trust and love between them thats just extremely obvious. those two literally cant be away from each other for more than 2 seconds. also i just love how in s2 theyre such a nice example of a healthy m/f friendship in kids shows in which romance isnt on the table. such a nice change of pace, especially how quickly the prospect of them being in a relationship/liking each other gets shut down really quickly. as much as i love their romantic relationship and how much i wish they expanded on it more, it shows such nice growth. they've moved on from that, and simón especially proves to break out of the nice guy tm stereotype he kinda pushes being in season 1.

HAVING SAID THAT: THEIR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP HAD SO MUCH WASTED POTENTIAL ITS INSANE. first, the amount of build up throughout season 1? the slowburn and angst was honestly so good, even if it suffered in terms of writing. its established extremely quickly that simón has romantic feelings for luna, even before its explicitly said, its extremely obvious. not to mention the fact that luna does reciprocate, but for some reason it gets swept under the rug as 'confusion' (which is something they do a lot when it comes to these two and their relationship). theres so much buildup and tension between the two, the confession of feelings (on sim��ns end)/bonding while practicing for the competition in 1x40, the angst as simón nearly moves away, the whole entire daniela arc (which i firmly believe is when luna realizes she likes him romantically), and then they FINALLY start dating for real, and. nothing. everything that was leading up to this just gets dropped. luna suddenly acts completely disinterested and uncomfortable in their relationship, as if she wasnt pining for him this whole time. they date for a total of 9 episodes and halfway through all this tension up and dies. i know they were nearing the end of the season and needed time for a lutteo endgame but its evident that the writers had no regard for handling this properly. again: luna's feelings for simón are just brushed off as 'confusion' which is so dumb its insane. i'm not saying everything up until they were dating was perfect, i have a lot of beef with how a lot of things about them were handled, but it feels so . sloppy.

i know i just said that i liked the platonic!lumón of s2, but theres a lot i would've done to at least make more sense, at least if i was able to make my own self indulgent lumón ending. first, simón entirely shrugging off everything that happened in s1 as 'confusion'. again, they use this excuse so much its insane. he wasn't 'confused' he was desperately in love, theres a very clear difference. i honest to god have no idea if we're supposed to take his explanation at face value, but that seems to be the narrative the show takes post-s1, so i'll take it at face value. if simón truly was confused, that would make so many of his actions in s1 make zero sense. he moved overseas for her, he basically did everything for her, he had a full on mental breakdown and tried moving back overseas because he thought she was in love with someone else, how would that make sense if he was 'confused'? this isnt the only time he explained it as confusion too, he also did it during the daniela arc, which was literally just him lying to himself to make himself feel better and try and ease tension. if i had a say in how this went, why not make this bs a lie as well, albeit a lie he genuienly believes. i think the whole lutteo/simbar plot mandated relationship failure lined up way too perfectly for it to not mean anything for lumóns relationship. i think thats what they were gonna do for s3 before the episodes were cut from 80 to 60. i also have basically no idea what happens between simón and luna in s3 after the first 10 episodes because i cant and refuse to finish it, but i would really like if the aforementioned plot mandated relationship failure to mean something. have s2 be full of little hints between them and stuff, and then have them get closer during the last 5 episodes (whicn they already do kinda), then have s3 be a sort of 'no matter what happens, i always come back to you' thing? which kinda happened during the daniela arc, but on a bigger scale.

this is all just me being too deep into my wishful thinking i guess. lumón as a ship was basically born to crash and die a painful death, but i cant help but feel a little sad for myself that i decided to attach myself to this dumb fuck ship that 5 other people on this earth like in the year of 2021. sorry if this isnt all that coherent, its late and these two fuck up my brain to the point where i cant write well.

[jisungsblkgf]

thin ice- jcw

pairing: chanwoo x reader, junhoe x reader (siblings)

genre: fluff? angst? 

summary: lover!chanwoo gets caught with brother!junhoe’s little sibling

warnings: this is a little suggestive, lots of swears near the end. 

notes: this is like barely proofed and I also got carried away and turn a blurb into whatever this is. please request!

to say you and chanwoo were dating was kinda a stretch. it wasn’t like you weren't hooking up. oh no you were most definitely doing that. it also wasnt like you spent nights talking about a life together. you were most  definitely doing that as well. the main reason you claimed that dating was a stretch was your amazing older brother and chanwoo’s bandmate junhoe. 

you both knew your brother would flip his shit if he found out you two were together, especially when it was behind his back. one of the first things that was said when the boys met you was ‘my sibling is to be considered a baby and off limits.’ chanwoo found that easy to comply with at the beginning. I mean yeah you were cute but in like a high school kinda way. besides chanwoo had a thing for more mature partners at the time. everything changed when you came home from your study abroad. chanwoo had no idea what the fuck they were feeding you over there but you definitely didnt look like the teenager that left. one night he drunkenly described you as fuller. safe to say that didn't mow over well with junhoe.

in fact, it seemed like all of korea had noticed your little glow up because as soon as your picture was shown on some reality show the boys went on, your sns exploded. you didnt mind the attention but it really wasnt your thing. yg, on the other hand, saw you as an opportunity to get some free promotion and junhoe began having to drag you to random nights out. one night, the boys manager dragged you to a club with the boys. yg was lowkey hoping you'd get photographed because ‘all press is good press’. you weren't planning on doing too much but you found yourself not only wasted but in the arms of a wasted chanwoo. it was a dumb decision but the night ended with the two of sneaking back to the boys dorm early and fucking on junhoe’s bed because the two of you are petty.

flash forward 6 months and you were deep into this entanglement with only the boys minus junhoe knowing anything. even today, you were secretly laying under chanwoo and kissing him like your life depended on it. his lips were plush and swollen and he tasted like a mix of mint and vanilla. he slowly moved his hands under your top slowly kneading your soft skin. you slowly shifted your lips to the supple skin on his neck. a slight whimper escapes chanwoo’s mouth and it sends you over the edge. the two of you began a hurried rush to remove each others clothes. once the two of you were down to your underwear, chanwoo began to attack you lips once again. this time he was much rougher in an attempt to counter the momentary lose of control he had earlier. 

the two of you ground into each other like your lives depended on it. the feeling of the underwear between you guys began to bother him. but as if someone higher power had pity on the two of you, chanwoo feels the argue to hold back just a bit. 

“hey have you se- I fucking knew it! oh youre so fucking dead chan.” junhoe walks in abruptly stopping the session that was happening. chanwoo instinctively cover you with a nearby sheet. 

“hyung, i can explain.” he says trying to quickly re-dress before junhoe takes his head off. you look pleadingly at your brother but he is too clouded by rage to even meet your gaze. 

“you wanna explain? please do! please explain why my sibling is half naked under you? i explicitly said not them! you could hookup and use anyone, chan! you're fucking famous! you could go down the street and find hundreds of people throwing themselves at you, so please explain why in the fucking world you would use y/n?!” junhoe was full on screaming at this point. the other boys were silently milling by the door. they all shot you guys sympathetic looks. 

“im not fucking using them! I love y/n! I'm in love with y/n, junhoe!” your eyes widened at the sudden confession. you knew that chanwoo loved you but it wasnt something he really ever said out loud. “i have spent the last six months trying to not yell in from the rooftops all because y/n was scared of you! of how you'd treat them and me! and here you are proving their fucking point.” chanwoo knew he was on thin ice right now. how the fuck was he supposed to get away with sleeping with you and yelling at his hyung. junhoe turned to you but instead of the angry face you expected, you were met with almost tearfilled eyes.

“you were scared of me, y/n? like truly too scared to tell me you liked chanwoo?” he asked almost pleading that it wasnt true. you gave a weak nod. “oh god, im an awful big brother. I was just trying to protect you. I- I didnt think...” he trailed off softly. the room fell silent as the three of you processed the situation at hand. finally, it was your turn to speak.

“junhoe, I know you just wanted to protect me, you're an amazing big brother and I wouldn't trade you for the world. but I really liked chanwoo, I still really like chanwoo. I dare say I'm madly in love with him. I knew I would lose that if I told you.” you stared at your brother trying to read the expression that washed over him.

“okay. if you really feel like this, then the damage is already done. how can I stop you its been six months already?” you smiled widely knowing it was your brother’s roundabout way of telling you he approves. junhoe lights up at the smile on your face but he quickly turns serious to address chan. “I swear to fucking god if you hurt them, I will not only beat you to a plump but make the rest of ikon’s contract insufferable for you. understand?” chanwoo nods quickly before shooting you a shit-eating grin. 

“okay, that was a really moving and important moment but can everyone get out so I can get dressed?” you interject. the boys clear their throats as they suddenly became aware of the fact you were only being covered with a sheet. junhoe quickly shoved the heads of the other ikon boys out of the doorway and started to leave before he looked at chanwoo who hadn't moved a inch. 

“what? me too? why, its not like I haven't seen it before?” chanwoo scoffs. you chuckle before pushing your lover out the door. you quietly close the door on the group of boys

“you were on real thin ice with that comment.” you hear junhoe growl at chanwoo.

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Newest Reyes

Gif credit @angels-reyes

My first Ez imagine. Hope you all enjoy.

Requested: yes on wattpad.

Happy Reading Dollies.

It was well past twelve am and you were still up studying, this exam put so much pressure on you that you thought your brain was going to fall out with all the information you had to learn. You yawned and stretched trying to stay awake but it wasnt helping so you opened your window and let the cool air breeze wake you up but you got a surprising awakening. Ez popped out behind the bushes scaring you half to death.

"Why would you do that"? You held your chest. Your face was white as snow.

"I'm sorry". He laughed kissing your face.

"It's not funny. What are you doing here so late"?

"I could ask you the same thing". He said climbing threw the window.

"I'm studying and you have to go". You sat back down at the desk.

"What are we studying"?

"Trigonometry. And you're supposed to be studying too, if you want to get into college".

"I already studied. Now I think you need a little break". He pulled you up and wrapped his arms around your waist, putting little kisses to your nose.

"I miss this". You say snuggling into his chest.

"We just did this like six hours ago". Ez chuckled.

"But I need it every hour".

"But then your dad would know and he'll kill me".

"I know. It sucks". You hugged him really tight.

"Okay enough, I have to get back to studying and you need to leave before my dad finds you here". You pecked his lips and he huffed heading back out the window.

"Get some sleep. I love you". He poked his head back in and quickly kissed you.

"I love you too". You went back to studying and tried finishing the last chapter before you went to bed but it seemed sleep was more important as you cut out the desk lamp and crawled into bed and drifted off.

"So how do you think you did"? Ez refuring to the exam.

"I guess okay. It was easy". You said sitting in his lap.

"That's good right"?

"They say if it's to easy you probably did it wrong".

"Doubt it, you aced it. I know it and soon we're going to go off to college and we can be seen out in public don't have to look over our shoulders looking out for your dad". He began kissing your neck.

"Stop, we're going to get caught". You giggled squirming away.

"Yo, Ez. Woah". Angel stopped in his tracks and starred with his mouth open.

"Please don't say anything". Ez placed you in the seat as he got up, protecting you.

"I know you know who's daughter that is but do you really"?

"Yes, he's your President".

"That's right you idiot. He's going to rip your balls off and send them to dad. That's his little girl".

"I know but I love her". He looked over his shoulder smiling at you.

"Love ain't real, its a high school crush that's going to get you killed". He started to walk off but Ez stopped him.

"You're not going to say anything right"?

"No but if I was you I'd end it before something happens". Angel walked off leaving Ez scared.

"I think I need to be getting home". You tell Ez but he wasn't listening so you got up and walked off leaving Ez to his thoughts. 

Angel of course had to open his big mouth as you read the pregnancy test in your hand. POSITIVE!  It read loud and clear.

"Perfect". You sigh, laying on your bed. How were you going to tell Ez? Oh no, your dad? He really would kill him now for sure.

You got up the nerve to tell Ez first but wanted to do something cute cause you knew he would be excited. So you went old school with a white onesie and a sharpie.

"Hey baby". Ez came up behind you during study time in the library.

"Hey, why aren't you in American history"?

"I skipped to see my beautiful and smart, super sexy girlfriend". He kissed your lips.

"Well I'm not thrilled with you skipping but I'm happy that you are here. I have something for you or should I wait"? You thought, making Ez growl.

"Now, give me". He held out his hands and you placed a box in his hand.

"Now when you open it, you have to promise to be quiet and not freak out".

"I promise". He excitedly opened the box and froze as he saw the word daddy.

Ez pulled out the onesie and held it reading it."Daddy's new riding buddy". With a little motorcycle.

"Seriously"?

"Yeah".

He stood up fast kicking his chair out from under him. "I'm gonna be a daddy". He screamedb cheering.

"Will you shut up"? One kid said.

Another said. "Good for you, my girlfriend calls me daddy too. Now would you shut the fuck up? We're trying to study". Ez looked at him confused.

"Wow". You said shaking your head.

"I cant believe it". He got you out of the chair and picked you up, hugging you tightly.

"I'm glad your excited. I hope this stays when you tell Bishop". Ez let go of you.

"Fuck me".

"I did and this is the result". You giggled poking his stomach.

"Funny".

"But you know he's going to kill me right"?

"I'll be there in the middle of the gun fire and I will shield you. I'm not letting you be taken away from us".

"Thanks but I think I should tell him that we're dating and then you'll come in and tell him".

"No that will just get you killed. We'll go in together and tell him".

"Okay. I can't believe we're going to be parents". He gushed bringing you close to him, softly kissing your lips.

"What time is those Reyes brothers going to be here again"? Your father asked as he got another beer from the refrigerator.

"They should be here any moment". You smiled going back to cool the stew. The plan was to tell Angel and your dad at the same time maybe it would lessen the blow to your dad that you got knocked up and still in high school.

Knock knock.

"I'll get it". You yelled running to the door. Opening it, Angel stepped in first and then Ez sneaking a kiss to your cheek.

"Hey".

"Come on in, dads in the living room. I'll get you something to drink". You excused yourself from them and went to get drinks.

Coming in the living room, you could feel the tension. What was going on?

"Here you go". "So what did I miss"?

"Ez tells me you're dating. Is that true"? Your father asked.

"Yes, we were going to tell you together. When the time was right". You starred at Ez.

"Anything else you want to tell me"? His tone made you tremble inside. You knew he knew. Something.

"Yeah there is actually". You took a deep breath in and held it in. "I'm pregnant". Letting the breath go.

"You're what"? Angel and Bishop said together. Angel slapped Ez on the back of his head. Making Ez growl at him.

"I'm pregnant and we're keeping the baby. We're still going to college and Ez will work nights. I'll work days if need be but we're doing this together with or without you". You say proudly.

"You're eighteen what do you know about raising a child"? Bishop asked.

"I've babysat since I was nine. I know how to raise a child".

"You're so young and you have a future ahead of you. And you let this ruin that". He pointed to Ez who had his head hung low.

"We love each other. He makes me laugh and he's so sweet to me. I couldn't ask for a better man in my life to call my own".

"I hope he's worth it to give everything up that you worked so hard for"?

"He is. I'm happy and that's all that matters. If you can't except that then you won't be in your granddaughters life". You quickly covered your mouth. You told them the gender.

"It's a girl"? Ez rose from his seat, walking over to you.

"We're having a baby girl". You cried, hugging Ez tightly.

"I'm happy for you brother but you're an idiot". Angel laughed.

"You're going to have a niece. You have to help me protect her".

"I'm here, ain't got no where else to be". He hugged Ez.

"Thanks man".

"Dad"? You crouched beside the chair Bishop was sitting in.

"Don't you want to be a papa"?

"I didn't want this life for you". He said not looking at you.

"Ez is a good man. He'll take care of us. But I'm always going to need advice from my wonderful, understanding father". You sugar coated it.

"I'm not happy about this. Not until I see that he can prove himself and I can hold my granddaughter in my arms". He smiled widely, letting you know he's okay with thw situation.

"Thanks daddy". You hugged him tight. You were his only child and his little girl. He wanted the best for you and to protect you. So letting you go was the hardest thing he ever had to do.

Eight months have passed, you gave birth to a healthy eight pounds ten ounces beautiful baby girl. Ez wanted to name her Marisol after his mother. You thought it was the sweetest way for his mom to be part of his daughters life. Ez and Bishop still don't get along very well but your dad wanted to keep an eye on him so hes prospecting for the MC. You just hope that they keep him out of trouble and from getting hurt. He has a family to come home every night too. You were going to college and Ez took classes online. You both wanted the best for your child that you were going to do it no matter what it took.

[kweebtrash]

Why Stop Now (M)

Pairing:  JohnnyxYutaxReader

Genre: PWP, One Shot, College Au (barely)

Summary: I literally just wanted to write about getting DP’d hardcore with my bias and wrecker. that’s it. It’s just fucking, short and sweet

Word Count: 4.2k

Features:  blowjob, anal fingering, vaginal fingering, anal, squirting, grinding, a smidge of public sex, a little bit of overstretching, 

A/N: Probs will edit some more later like tomorrow when I’m not so tired.

MasterlIst  Buy me a Ko-Fi    

It was a mistake coming here tonight. I didn’t want to be surrounded by a house full of idiots but I most certainly didn't want to run into my ex. Lucas was currently the bane of my existence after I caught him cheating on me at a party similar to this. The moment I saw him I took to drinking my sorrows away in order to forget. I hoped I looked good enough to ever make him regret being the world's biggest asshole to me. The unfortunate part was that I hadn't really eaten much for a good part of the day and the alcohol hit me harder than I wanted it to. I slowed down and worked through clusters of people to head upstairs and rest in Taeyong's bedroom. I hoped it wasnt occupied with a fucking couple as I didn't need war flashbacks to top off my already sour mood. His room was thankfully barren and I closed the door and set the lock.

The bed looked perfect for me to just take a quiet nap and I shuffled slowly to the mattress before throwing myself across it. I wanted my head to stop spinning a bit so I could start making good decisions. Once I was a bit more sober I would head home instead of wallowing in misery and chatting with guys I had slept with in the past. Almost the entirety of my track record was in attendance here which was the cherry on top of my clusterfuck sundae. There was Taeil from my college writing class, Taeyong, the host of the party, from my media class, Jaehyun from the Student Democrats club, and I was sure my most frequent suitors, Johnny and Yuta were floating around somewhere. All in all I was making mistake after mistake in the grand scheme of things.

I shut my eyes and tried to focus on sleep but the music was still too loud even through the closed door and I could hear voices pouring in from the open window. Those voices sounded way too familiar and I winced the moment I recognized them. I hoped to all hell they didn't notice me in the room as they were sitting on the mid roof right outside of Taeyong's bedroom. I curled up and tried to stay as quiet as possible but my plan failed entirely when I heard my name called out in a weed induced slur.

"Heyyyy baby! What are you doing here?!" Yuta giggled.

"Fuck I haven't seen you in forever!" Johnny added.

I grumbled and squeezed my eyes tighter. "Leave me alone. I hit the bottle too hard and I need to sleep it off for a bit."

"Ooh did you see Lucas downstairs? Is that it?" Yuta asked.

I stayed quiet, refusing to answer. 

"Yup," Johnny said. "Definitely saw Lucas. Come here babe. We'll help you get your mind off it."

"Absolutely not." I said, finally sitting up. "You two are the worst trouble makers of them all. I don't need you trying to play games tonight."

"When have we ever played games?!" Yuta took a long drag from the joint he and Johnny had been sharing. 

"Hmm, let's see, leaving me on read, ghosting me, dumping me out of your room after we were done fucking, being complete fuckboys. The list goes on, truly."

"We're not that bad! Besides...you always come back for more, don't you?" Johnny smirked.

My face flared up instantly at his truth filled statement. Little fucker. "Be quiet." I snapped. "That's not the point."

"Yeah, your point should be coming out here and joining us. The breeze is much better up here and it's not as hot as it is in the house."

Yuta was right. The summer weather had been unforgiving especially when a couple dozen people were crammed in a small two story house. The breeze was coming in nicely through the windows and I contemplated actually going out there in hopes that the air would help clear my head.. I sighed and used the bed for leverage to crawl out the window and sit on the roof area. Yuta passed the blunt to Johnny and I laid back against the paneling, staring down at the mess of people on the lawn.

"We've been people watching all night. That dude on the left has been trying to get in this chicks pants for like an hour now. It ain't gonna happen." Johnny laughed.

"Hmm, he doesn't look like he's got game. I wouldn't sleep with him."

"What he's not your type? I thought you liked big dumb idiots?"

"I mean that's why I fucked you, didn't I?" I smirked at Johnny who glared at me.

Yuta snorted and laid back with me, clasping his hands behind his head. "This party blows. Taeyong's cool and all but something needs to happen."

"What would you even want to happen?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Something. Anything. I could get laid or be at home stuffing my face with frozen burritos and passing the fuck out."

"That sounds so titillating."

Johnny snorted. "Heh, tittle."

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up, you giant man child."

"Do you wanna hook up?" Yuta asked suddenly. He was never one for subtlety.

"Uh...like right now? I still kinda feel like crap."

"Fucking will help with that. We could all fuck." Johnny propositioned.

"Like a threesome?" I looked between the two of the as they shrugged, playing it off real cool. I blushed hard not knowing how to respond. It wasn't something I really had experience in but Yuta and Johnny were my two favorite people to fuck. Johnny was commanding and a little rough with a secretive soft side that poked through every once in awhile. Yuta was dirty to the core, bending me every which way and unabashed at anything he suggested we do. Things usually ended up messy with him but I never thought about fucking the two together. Having Johnny's thickness invade every inch of me while Yuta fucked me from behind; being so completely stuffed that my stomach would clench and I could feel so whole and perfectly ruined. I bit my lip and pressed my thighs together as scenes began to flourish in my mind.

"Hello?" Yuta snapped his fingers in front of my face. "Did you hear us?

"Huh? Uh...yeah, the hookup. Threesome. Um, I've never had a threesome before." I admitted shyly.

"I had one once but it wasn't that great. Dude was hogging the chick the whole time. So Yuta if you pull that shit I'm dipping out."

"Trust me dude. I've got my own plans. You can do whatever you want to her pus-"

I slapped my hand over his mouth, keeping him from saying that vile word. "We get it. You want to fuck my ass."

"You do that?" Johnny questioned.

I sighed and laid back down. "Only with Yuta. He gets excited over it and we'll…"

"She literally cums so hard when we do it. Don't let her fool you, she's just as big of a slut as I am."

"Shut up, asshole! I am not. Well...maybe a little but you don't have to point it out."

"Alright, let's cut the crap. Threesome of not? It's been awhile since you've gotten fucked, right? You and Lucas broke up like a month or so ago." Johnny said.

"Yeah, don't remind me…"

"Agree to fuck us and we'll make sure we can help you forget." Yuta said.

I sighed and gave in, too easily for my liking but the images I created where already burned into my mind. "Sure, why the fuck not."

Yuta said no more and dove to capture my neck in slow and methodical kisses, nibbling ever once in awhile. Johnny's large hand was working itself over my stomach as he leaned down to capture me in a kiss. His lips were so fucking amazing that sometimes it made my heart ache to have them against me. They were full, soft, and he knew exactly how to work them so I would get wet in an instant. I parted my lips and let his thick tongue creep into my mouth, sucking on my own and making sure I couldn't breathe. His fingers wiggled beneath the hem of my shirt and pushed it upwards to expose my chest to the cool breeze.

"Whoa, wait. We can't do it out here!" I whispered harshly.

"Shhh, it's just the beginning. We'll finish everything inside; we need the room anyway. For now I just want you legs spread open and to see if we can make you squirt off the rooftop." Yuta said deviously.

"D-dont you fucking dare!" My face was red at the thought but it shook me to my core. I ached for them to prove that they could make my body do such things.

"Take them off, Yuta." Johnny commanded. 

Yuta slipped his hand under my skirt to grab a hold of my panties and yank them down. I fumbled to try and keep them on, embarrassed that someone might see us but they got tossed to Johnny who pocketed them with a teasing smile. My legs were forced open then, the front clasp of my bra worked apart, so every tender area was exposed. Johnny latched his lips around my nipple, sucking deeply as his long middle finger trailed up the length of my slit. "She's already starting to get wet."

"Of course she is. Told you she was dirty." Yuta commented.

"If you two don't stop talking I'm going to-" I gasped softly as I felt Johnny push his finger inside me. It was slow and precise, dragging up and down my walls to work me up even more. He went back to teasing my breast while Yuta licked his fingers and set them over my clit. He circled them over the sensitive spot, pairing it with more bites to my neck that flowed down to my chest. I didn't know where to even put my hands at this point and I was already arching slightly against all their teasing. I felt Johnny hook his ankle over mine and nudge my leg to rest between his strong thighs. The center of his jeans pressed against the junction of my knee and thigh and he rocked against me, creating as much friction as possible. He moaned deeply against my chest and I couldn't help how frenzied it made my brain.

Yuta nudged his free hand between us, grabbing a hold on my wrist and guiding me to touch him. My fingers rubbed against the denim, feeling the way he was starting to bulge beneath the fabric. I closed my eyes then, letting my senses get overridden by their exploring hands and tongues. Johnny licked his way up my neck so his lips could rest by my ear. "I know you like getting stretched out but how many fingers do you think we can fit in there before you cum." He whispered in his slightly deepened voice. I turned away from him, trying to hide how embarrassed his words were making me and ended up catching Yuta's lips instead. Johnny chuckled softly as he watched my lips get occupied but someone else and shoved another finger inside me. With how big his hands were just those couple of digits had my entrance already working to accommodate him. 

Yuta scissored my lower lips open while the tip of his middle finger curled little strokes against my clit, leaving me open for more sensitivity. My hips bucked then and I squirmed, trying to move away for a moment to regain my composure. Pressure was building within the pit of my stomach as I could feel that orgasm creeping closer. As I tried to close my free leg, Yuta trapped it between his thighs, mimicking Johnny so I couldn't hide even if I tried. Anyone could look up and see me half naked and getting fingered to all hell and back. I knew they weren't going to let me go until I came. My breath burned in my lungs as I couldn't seem to catch it but I was just able to pant out a little beg. "P-please, m-more."

Yuta's fingers joined Johnny's then, forcing two more into me. While Johnny kept steady thrusts, Yuta curled his fingers in a beckoning motion, trying to dig the harshest reaction out of me. "Touch yourself." He commanded, adding a small nip to the shell of my ear afterward. I took over the attention to my clit while their fingers explored and bodies grinded against my thighs. My lower half trembled with the threat of release and I clamped my lips shut so I wouldn't draw attention from the other partygoers below. Both my nipples were overtaken by their mouths again just as I felt increased attention to a particularly sensitive spot within me. I grabbed at Yuta's hand to make sure he stayed in place and commanded Johnny to go faster. My own fingers increased speed as I heard my wetness echoing into the night. 

My toes were curling within my shoes, my body dipping against the panelling, and suddenly a rush of absolute bliss washed over me. I shuddered hard, my body practically collapsing in on itself as I slapped at their hands to try and remove the intensity. They didn't let up, becoming greedy for the way my body was creating splashes down the rooftop. I finally grabbed their hands and pushed them away to snap my legs shut and breathe. I muttered out curses while Johnny and Yuta were all smiles and cheers, high fiving each other in victory of my glorious and wet defeat.

"Damn, I didn't think you could actually do it!" Johnny said as excited as a puppy.

"Dude, I told you! That was fucking hot!"

I wanted to ask myself why I put up with their absolutely idiotic tendencies. They were stupid college kids with minds wrapped around partying, getting drunk or high, and getting laid. Nothing remotely appealing about that- then I was harshly reminded why I sought out their company when Johnny's bulge grazed against me again. When I glanced down I could tell that his jeans were trying desperately to keep him contained and he would be growling in my ear at any moment if he didn't get more attention. "We need to get inside." Johnny grunted right on cue. Yuta nodded and crawled up to the open window, tossing himself inside. Johnny and I followed suit and we were a clash of kisses and tongues, pulling off the rest of our clothes until my head was between Johnny's thighs and Yuta had my ass raised.

He shuffled around, rifling through Taeyong's drawers, looking intently for something. I was curious as to what he was doing but still currently occupied by the way Johnny filled my mouth entirely. I swallowed around him and gripped at his base to try and prevent him from thrusting harshly. He was always trying to get me to deep throat him but I couldn't take everything at once. It would usually end in a glaring contest with his hand firmly pushing my hand down until I tapped out. This time he seemed to be a little bit gentle and focused instead on the way my lips looked flowing over his thickness.

Yuta finally came back after a victorious exclamation. He had found whatever he was looking for and finally joined us on the bed. My hole was perfectly presented for him and I felt the familiar chill of lube against me. That must have been what he had been searching for in Taeyong's drawers. I sighed around my mouthful as his fingertip nudged against the barrier, slowly rocking until he poked through. His slender finger was enough to make me whimper and reach back to tap his outer thigh when I needed breaks. He was always good about that and filled our pauses with kisses up my spine or his thumb grazing the entrance of my heat. Eventually he was able to work his knuckle in and get a consistent rhythm going.

I popped off of Johnny when I felt his pre cum splatter across my taste buds, making sure he didn't get too worked up. He fumbled around for his pants that had been discarded on the floor, getting into the pocket of his jeans to pull out a condom. He ripped it open and I helped roll it on, kissing the tip playfully. "Yuta, let her move up to my lap." Johnny demanded.

Yuta scooted us closer so I could straddle Johnny and he could remain behind me to work my ass open. As Johnny slid his cock through my wetness, Yuta started to pry a second finger into me. He added a bit more lube and latched his teeth onto my shoulder, his other hand coming to cup my breast and make small pinches at my nipple. Johnny grabbed onto my hips, lifting me just a bit so I could sink down on his length. I bit down on my lip as soon as I felt that heavy fullness even within my stomach. He let out a moan from deep within his chest, head tossed back against the pillow and lips parted slightly. My bounces were small at first, giving Yuta a pace he could still work with as I desperately needed them both in me at the same time. I wished he could hurry up but patience, time, and dedication were needed for him to fuck me senseless.

The second finger made its way in fully and I felt the slight sting of my muscles trying to accommodate him. I took a few deep breaths, letting him push forward on every exhale. He scissored his fingers little by little, chuckling when he saw me gaped open. My cheeks burned as I knew he loved seeing me spread apart for him. I elbowed him gently, trying to get him to stop as my embarrassment continued. His lips were by my ear whispering the softest of teases. "You look so good like this I couldn't help myself."

"Yeah, we'll save your tired old lines for-" My hand flew to my mouth to cover a harsh gasp that was about to escape. Johnny had bucked his hips particularly hard to gain my attention. His brows were furrowed in irritation and he landed a heavy slap on my ass.

"Less talking, more working." He grunted.

I pouted but rolled my hips, feeling Johnny's cock press against my walls while Yuta curled his fingers deep within me. It was getting easier for him to work me open and the third finger edged in almost seamlessly. With each roll of my hips I was fucking myself back against them, squeezing my eyes shut and trying not to be too loud. I was sure the music would cover me but I didn't need the possibility of Taeyong coming in and see us defiling his bed.

Johnny dug his fingers into my thighs as he increased his pace. Heated skin on skin echoed throughout the room, mixing in with his slightly animalistic grunts and groans. Yuta gently rubbed my ass making my heart race as I knew what was next. "You ready?" He asked with a bit of concern. 

I nodded and turned my head for a kiss, his lips morphing into a smile as soon as we connected. "Dude, slow down a sec." Yuta told Johnny who seemed peeved at the request. He stopped his motions entirely as Yuta bent me over Johnny's torso. I heard the rip of his own condom packet and a few moments later he was lined up against me, thumbs spreading my asscheeks apart. Once his head creeped in past the barrier I buried my face deep into Johnny's neck, whimpering helplessly. 

"You ok?" He asked. I nodded, content that the both of them were showing their soft sides of being concerned for my well-being. It was a breath of fresh air given their usual antics.

"I got her. We've done this before." Yuta reassured the other man. More and more of me was filled, making my legs almost give out from their place over Johnny’s hips. All I could scream was 'oh god' in my head over and over and when Yuta finally was in the three of us groaned at the intense tight feeling surrounding around us.

"Please just fuck me." I said. I didnt want to waste anymore time as I needed my body turned into a pillar of pleasure between them. Yuta was the first to thrust and he grabbed a hold of my arms, pulling them behind me like reins to control his pace. Once Johnny joined in my eyes got lost in the back of my head and I was in a whirlwind of bliss. Each slam of their bodies into me created pressure that sent tingles throughout my entire being. I tried to keep up but it was hard to press into them when my body was getting destroyed. Veins and ridges crept up my walls, dragging through nerves and places I didn't think they could have ever reached. My thighs quaked as weakness set in but my lust wouldn’t be satisfied until I felt the warm heat of their cum inside me.

Johnny gripped my neck gently, nudging his thumb to lift my chin up so our lips could crash together. It was a sloppy mess of tangled breaths and soft groans, our tongues trying to stay melded as he fucked me harder. I clenched around him, bucking slightly when he pushed through the tightness. My second orgasm was approaching way too fast but there was no way to stop it. I pressed my forehead to Johnny, his whisper against my lips now. "Fuck, I wanna come for you."

"Don't say it just do it." I pleaded. 

Suddenly I was yanked back to be pressed against Yuta's chest. "You complained about that other dude hogging chicks and now you’re doing the same thing. Share a little." He chuckled.

"F-fuck you!" Johnny managed to groan out as he started to swell against my tightness.

"Such a cop out, cumming first." Yuta turned my face towards his, getting a taste of my lips again. He was thrusting upwards, getting every inch of him to slam into me relentlessly. He parted from me to replace his tongue with the pads of his index and middle finger. They pressed down on my tongue and I sucked hungrily around them. "You want me to touch you?" He teased. I nodded vigorously. If he added that extra magical sensation to my clit we'd all be a symphony of chaotic messes. He shoved his fingers in deeper, almost touching the back of my throat before teasing the digits back out slowly.

He worked them down between my breasts and towards my stomach until they met my clit and worked steady circles into me. Occasionally, he would tease my entrance, getting his fingertip in besides Johnny's cock and crooking his finger just an inch or so inside me. My eyes squeezed shut as I couldn't help but left let a loud moan run free, practically screaming for him not to stop. Johnny forced through one last sloppy thrust, raising his hips so his cock crashed against the deepest part of me, and spilled all he had within the rubber. I still felt that comforting heat through my lower belly and a smile crossed my lips. God, I needed that again and again. Yuta still was vibrant as ever, continuing to ravish me until my body tensed and flushed with warmth. I clenched my thighs around Johnny’s waist as my next orgasm gushed out, leaving trails across his abs. “F-fuck, s-sorry.” I whispered. He shook his head and sat up, cupping my face to kiss my lips and tired body. I held onto him as I could barely keep up with Yuta though I could feel him ready to lose himself at any moment as well.

“Don’t be sorry. You felt so fucking good.” He purred as he slipped out of me slowly. He gave me a wink as Yuta began his greed tirade of final thrusts, bending me over completely and ramming my ass back against him. Johnny watched us, making sure my head was turned towards him so he could see every expression of pain and pleasure on my face. I curled my fingers around the wrinkled bed sheets whimpering out Yuta’s name. His hips stuttered and his blunt nails dug into my skin as he burst within me, shoving his sheathed released as far down as he could. Johnny laid back and Yuta pulled out, flopping beside me. I could finally give my body the break it deserved as my lustful greed was quelled for now.

“Not gonna lie, I kinda missed that.” Johnny said.

Yuta hummed in agreement which got me thinking. We did all have good chemistry together and it was all for fun and after the hell I went through fun was exactly what I deserved. “Should we do it again? Like hook up? The three of us?” He asked.

“Well we’ve all fucked and then had this threesome so why stop now?”

[sexeducationsource]

Sorry about not warning you, but I figured since you run a blog about this tv show I wouldn’t have to. just gunna say 2 things &then i’m done. 1st ruby clearly wasnt as drunk as Otis. She sought him out, she said it to Otis. That’s what she likes doing. 2nd knowing who Otis is and his personality we know if he was sober and someone was trying to have sex with him he would not have done it, but he couldn’t consent. I’m sure he didn’t go find her. If Otis did this to ruby every1 would hate him.

We are a source blog, yes, but I think you forget that behind the source blog are people who could potentially (and do) have triggers.

This is clearly something you’re set on, and as it’s a touchy subject for me, I’m not eager to get into an argument about it. Having said that, I also feel it’s important to set the record straight, and, respectfully, you have a lot wrong.

People have drunken hookups, teenagers included. Often regrettable, sometimes not. It’s true in real life and definitely in fiction, where Drunken Hookup is all but a trope, it’s been done so often.

As per alcohol.org: “Alcohol also jacks up the amount of norepinephrine present in the brain; this neurotransmitter acts as a stimulant, Psychology Today publishes. Elevated levels of norepinephrine increase arousal and excitement, and it can lower your inhibitions and increase impulsivity, making it hard for you to consider potential consequences of your actions.”

In 2x06, after he tells the party at large about all the intricate goings-on between himself, Ola and Maeve, he’s seen making out with two random girls (different shirts, different hair). He and the second girl even go so far as grinding. This is also, in your words, something he “would not have done” but he does it. Why? He’s sloshed, same as most other folks at the party, and other parties on this show and other shows. Among them? Ruby.

Ruby is, despite being a complex female character (like all the others on this show), at the heart of it, the archetypical Mean Girl. She cares a great deal about her reputation and popularity, which is made abundantly clear more than once throughout the show. She doesn’t like associating with unpopular kids: she speaks with Maeve only in the privacy of the old bathroom in 1x05, she doesn’t even consider going to Otis’ party when Eric invites her and Olivia until Rahim (someone she deems of her social caliber) says he’ll be there, she normally wouldn’t be caught dead interacting with Otis and proves as much in 2x07 when she meets with him in secret, doesn’t want to be seen with him, etc.

By way of remembering a little more about their night, she might have been less drunk, but it’s plain to see that she is, all the same, drunk: she experiences lowered inhibitions, she does something impulsive, she passes out cold instead of leaving (and I think it in any other state she very well would have).

Nowhere in the dialogue does Ruby say she “sought” Otis out, and I think you’re either misunderstanding the “make out with nerdy boys” scene or twisting it. When she says it’s intentional, it’s in the context of him worrying about her consent in all this, and the only thing “incriminating” about it is that she’s owning up to a pattern of behavior she falls back on when she’s sad.

Here are the things they do establish in and through their dialogue in 2x07:

Consent. In the scene in the woods, straight off the bat, they establish it was consensual. I know the focus is on Ruby’s, but then comes the rest of the dialogue.

Otis checked in often. Maybe every ten seconds, maybe not every ten seconds, but while exasperated as she informs him of as much, she’s completely genuine when she thanks him for it. “Most guys don’t.”

Ruby treats her body like a temple. There’s all the grooming she talks about, the way she cares about her looks, yes, absolutely, but above all, she cares about practicing safe sex. When she starts having more reason to be concerned about it, she worries they didn’t actually use a condom. She’s immediately horrified at the prospect of being pregnant—what’s more, the prospect of having Otis’ kid/s. (This isn’t the reaction of someone who’s taken advantage of someone and gone out of her way to do it. This is the reaction of someone who did something stupid, while drunk, because she didn’t think of the consequences of her actions, as we’ve established drunk people are guilty of doing.)

The writers aren’t perfect—they could have handled Ola’s pansexuality differently, I could have done without any sort of thing between Adam and Jean in season 1, among other things—but it’s obvious they care a great deal about doing sensitive topics and matters justice.

This is the same episode where Aimee’s storyline comes to a head and the girls in detention all discuss their experiences with sexual harassment. Do I think the writers could have squeezed in something more explicit about Otis’ consent? Absolutely. 100%. But I also think, like with anything else, that there’s critical thinking to be had by the audience to fill in some blanks. Not plot hole sized ones, but ones easy enough to fill when you add everything together.

Consent is something I’m very conscious of. I take it very seriously, and I’m glad you do as well. But I really, truly, genuinely cannot arrive at the same conclusion, and, with no offense meant, am still finding it difficult to see how you came to that conclusion when the math laid out before me just doesn’t add up to something as grave as that.

[ratfuck]

wow. so this is who drove a 19 y/o teenager to contemplating suicide, all with no proper evidence, just for five minutes of fame. How’s it feel? Did you really think deleting the post and ‘I flushed the fish’ out of your bio would make up for it? Get over yourself, you’re more NSFW than he is. You have no way of proving his main demographic are mostly minors. You’ve possibly ruined a TEENAGERS LIFE. You better pray to whatever god you may believe in that boy hasn’t harmed himself.

asfjfkgl he wasnt fuckin contemplating suicide and he's currently active on twitter

I dunno how the narrative is now that I did this all for fame and not because im a CSA victim with experiences of being manipulated by internet predators who exploited me for their sexual gratification and for money and being able to see this behavior miles away and trying to warn people of it, you people are totally unwilling to listen to anyone besides yourselves tho so im not surprised at all

my "evidence" not being enough for you schmucks comes down to you people cherry picking what you like from my, and other people's posts about shit he's done with no general consensus on whats real or not. One minute u people will ignore his MAP friends like Gaud (who he still actively follows!) and his discord mods who openly supported pedos, the next you say that he accidentally followed loli/shota/incest accounts, then you say that actually he did follow these accounts on purpose but actually its OK if he consumes and jerks off to "simulated" cp because "its not real" even though they are depictions of children being sexualized or in the case of that artist that draws kid icarus porn that fish was following, a child having sex with an adult. Which is it? Is he the "non-predatory" MAP or is he the adult minor who isnt responsible enough to have a large social media following of impressionable people?

It's pretty fucking obvious that the majority of his followers are fucking children because no other demographic enjoys or consumes his "uwu ur a smol pupper" shit and constant "YOU. ARE. AWESOMEILOVEYOUILOVEYOU" garbage, also doesnt help that the VAST amount of people openly sending me these asks have their age in their description and most of them being around 13-17 years old, same with these people making posts about how they love and support him no matter what he does!!

And in no possible way did I ruin this idiot's life. I didn't dox him and make this information public to potential employers, I didn't send photos of him to fucking online psychopaths or anybody, and I didn't even expose his real identity or anything. Fish is a fucking persona, a fake, its not his real identity and no fucking person on the planet would ever have the name "Goldie Gurston", you're all buying into this fake personality that makes performative posts that infantilize the people he's supposedly supporting, and whenever he gets called out for dumbass behavior like offending a group of people he isn't part of you all rush like fucking locusts to defend this foax person who doesn't give a shit for you outside of your expression of love and loyalty and monetary support to him. It really says something that, while he was gone, he was making posts on Patreon that only the people who pay him for his worthless "content" could view and not the thousands and thousands of other worried schmucks who were crying because they thought he killed himself

He was never going to kill himself either! The whooole fucking time I've been saying "he'll return around christmas to post more perfomative lovebombing crap, after he thinks the dust has cleared" and thats EXACTLY what happened. He played you schmucks like a fiddle and his "OHHH IM JUST AN INNOCENT FISH WHO WANTS TO SPREAD POSITIVITY :((((" sympathy schtick followed by him leaving for a month was SOLELY done to make you asshats starved for more love bombing and go after anybody who said anything mean about him, this isn't the first time this has happened. He's a manipulative fuck who's addicted to the attention of his bloated social media presense and he has been, for a long fucking while, using his fanbase to cover up shit he's done that doesnt paint him in this pure light or to go after those who dislike him.

Good god you fish stans or whatever you call yourselves are sooooooo fucking mindless and I have to CONSTANTLY repeat myself just to get the point into your thick skulls individually, like oooh big and bold of you to not use anon and act like im some pathetic nobody desperately doing this for attention, like I'm going to take this shit from some worthless cringe ass "multi-fandom" blogger

Why should I even bother typing this all out, though? Its not like any of you people actually read it. You come into my inbox, type out some tired "HOW DO YOU FEEL FOR HURTING THIS 19 YEAR OLD MINOR???" rhetoric, then quickly hit the back button thinking you owned me and that I'll be so overcome with grief that I'll delete, which I still havent done despite you cultists sending me rape threats, purposefully misgendering me or sending me transphobic and homophobic slurs, or straight up writing torture/murder fantasies involving me, that being the reason I deleted my posts. LGBT+ rights am i right!!!!

[vincent-frankenstein]

different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half. 

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day. 

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too. 

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort 

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep. 

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it  as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

[jess-the-vampire]

What did you think of the new episodes? Especially curse of the blood moon.

Anonymous said:I want to say something from the bottom of my heart: Star/Marco is one of the worst, forced and terribly written romance I’ve ever seen. I can get over my disappointment of another “boy and girl can never be just friends!!! it’s impossible!! there MUST always be some hidden feellings!” But how they wrote them “falling in love” and acting like idiots with hurting everyone are so bad I’d rather have Star being with Glossarysk. I don’t feel bad for Marco, his mopping was annoying

Anonymous said:Im only Starco team, what do you think about the episode? Starco is dead? For me there is a little hope after star said what if It wasnt the Blood Moon?

Anonymous said:Hey, lots of people probably already asked you this but what are you thoughts on today’s episodes? If you haven’t watched yet don’t read this : I personally liked kellco (it’s hella cute) and I’m delighted that starco isn’t cannon. But the way they did the whole thing…. it looks like it’s not over yet, I don’t know if I’m being paranoiac or this is really just a set up for a starco finally, but after season 3 I don’t know anymore, can you give us a light with your analyze?

I have very mixed thoughts on COTBM, but that’s not because of what you’re thinking.

I’m mixed because the episode sorta tried to do both: It didn’t want to entirely confirm if star and marco’s feelings were genuine, nor did it fully commit to it being a curse either.

It chose not to pick a side, and i’m curious if it will choose to remain neutral and leave it up to the audience knowing it would be better not to pick a side, or in the end it’s gonna be some weird reveal.

Because it’s possible the show doesn’t actually reveal it and ends starco here as some tragic story, but then again knowing this show it might come back up somehow.

Though tbh, some corny scene of their feelings coming back and “OMG I really DID love you” would be probably the outcome i’d least like this show to take cause that just doesn’t feel like this show, it sounds kinda too silly for them to do.

But yeah, that episode tried to go both ways.

Because the thing is, the curse is indeed real, it’s a real curse. And with the older episodes you can argue it most likely had some affect on their decisions. But then you have Eclipsa at a point talking about it’s good to embrace your feelings, even if they hurt, and Relicor regretting his own choice to remove his feelings.

Though i think in his case they’re implying his wife died, and he removed his memory to stop missing her, and he seems to regret it because he wanted to remember the good times with her while she’s gone.

Again though, the episode doesn’t pick a side, because while you have these two characters who are saying “No” to this choice. There is a VERY real uncomfortable issue that star and marco both lash out at people because of these feelings and both want to persue other people and don’t really WANT to feel like they’re being cursed to like each other that is brought up.

And i can’t entirely argue with their choice, because if they are being cursed to like each other, and it has affects on their relationships and it makes them uncomfortable, then i understand removing it because they clearly have NO idea if these feelings were even real.

And if they weren’t real, from now on, any feelings they DO have, they know for sure are genuine. It might be better for them to not have to deal with this heavy weight that they might be forced to like each other for the rest of their lives.

I’d rather them be with people they know for sure they really like, Tom and Kelly, then feel pressured to date without knowing if it’s them or the curse.

But those are my thoughts on all of that.

Relicor apparently has DEPTH for a screeching tiny weirdo, well, some depth. His relationship with tom is weird, tom seems to be kinda scared of him but Relicor also does seem to care about him in a strange way. He’s definitely a grumpy old man who likes to get his way though.

Tom’s great as per usual, and yeah the episode does prove he was not trying to “Trick” star into anything. But then it also says he was aware of the curse and aware star liked marco for a year because of it and said nothing? So yeah it dismissed all the people who tried to claim tom was trying to trick star or force her, in fact apparently he thought she knew about the curse so i guess tom was more under the impression star was cool with it. Which is weird cause star technically was? but it seems like she didn’t really know the bond went and did anything to THIS extreme, apparently she just thought it was a fun party.

it’s weird but the episode also involves tom feeling bad he kinda got his friends into this situation, and star and marco do forgive him since he wanted to help them and had already learned from his mistakes so whatever. It’s not entirely worth getting into.

Mostly because i’m not sure if this was always the intended outcome of the moon or not, i’m curious if back in season 1 they had other plans and this is a later change of the moon’s focus.

Janna’s just kinda there for this episode, that’s pretty much all i can say about that. She’s just there to be there and provide some humor. But i am glad they didn’t try and force some romance between her and tom or anything since it was not needed, tom seems about as annoyed with her as star and marco are this entire episode xDD

Also they acknowledge tom doesn’t push marco in this memory, and that it might be something entirely new, so that’s kinda suspicious.

They broke the moon jewel? Is that gonna be important later?

The bridge scene was weird, i mean i do like seeing more of the underworld, so that’s great. I just don’t know why we had a whole scene of arguing with these rando demons. Also, tom’s their PRINCE, and even relicor should have some authority here so why are they forcing them out like this. What is it with the underworld forgetting tom is their prince? First LLB and now this? (I’m sorry, i just can’t help but always find that odd)

 Tom in a pile of puppies is my mood.

I think those are most of my thoughts on COTBM, weird episode, not entirely sure about where they’re going with this at all. Though i kinda can’t see this matter being dropped entirely after. I’m not really mad with star and marco’s choices, some of the humor for me was lacking, and i think it’s an episode where it intentionally just didn’t pick a side and i think it’s best to just see where everything goes later on.

Now for the other eps?

Gonna be honest, Out of Business was kinda meh for me, it’s kinda a weird episode and i don’t entirely get what it served or what it was going for either? It doesn’t really have a conflict, star, marco, and janna aren’t almost stuck in this magic room, they don’t fully succumb to it’s desires. They just kinda find out it’s evil and leave and that’s how it ends.

I mean, it DOES subvert expectations doing it, but at the same time there wasn’t much of a conflict?

Also i think the episode forgot it’s own logic because everything in that room was fake, but marco still got wallets out of it somehow. (Also his wallet clearly doesn’t work so i dunno why he wants more of them). 

Kinda meh for me, though maybe it had evil marco foreshadowing?

Kelly’s home is BIZARRE, in a good way though. We get to know more about her kind and it’s nice to see the show travel to new dimensions. It’s kinda cool how much she and marco have in common and connect. They both love karate and fighting and deal with a lot of the same emotional issues.

Kelly’s species btw, is called a Woolette.

Tad is like the Anti-Tom, while tom changed for the right reasons and got back with his ex after giving her space and being respectful of her choices as he worked on himself. Tad tried to do something similar but brags about it to kelly, won’t leave her alone, and kinda sorta tried to make her jealous.

Tbh, the episode was so hilariously bizarre and kinda wholesome and i did actually enjoy it. I do think kelly and marco dating probably needed better build up cause it was kinda weird how it was being built up since it wasn’t clear if they were just friends or more.

This episode confirms it was meant to be the latter cause apparently they BOTH really like each other. So i guess kellco is now officially a thing for however long the show runs with it.

I had fun, it was kinda adorable and i liked seeing kelly’s weird home and how it works.

Also, yep, i called no tomstar break up.

What’s interesting is i’m so unsure of what outcome the show is going for? with these relationships? Cause you know, last season and all that.

Like i said, the longer star and marco are in these relationships, the worse it looks if they date right after dumping them. 

So i’m not sure entirely what they’re trying to do, but well, i can’t say they aren’t keeping me on my toes. They HAVE subverted some expectations alright. Let’s just see where this goes and hope they’re careful with everything cause i still don’t want the show to do something ridiculous and hurt people like kelly and tom for a main pairing.

No more Jackie’s, thanks.

[murcuryretro]

3:09 a.m (est) 7-8-20

So JUST now, I was watching a T.V show called “Toys that made us” which actually inspired me to never stop dreaming. Althought the sales of toys have dramaticllly declined,the passion and creativity behind these toys is what makes them LEGENDARY. There are toys that will be forever KNOWN. Imagine creating something that never dies , making history as well. Amazing, truly inspiring. Now with that being said, decided to write down some of my thoughts before going to bed. Before logging in, the wifi randomly had cut off, cutting off the show I had been watching, and decided it was a sign to get on the laptop instead. I get on it, but to my “surprise” NO WIFI. I then ask my bf whos been sitting on the couch playing with his new switch for a few hours, pretty much since I got home from work Ive seen him sitting there and still is, IF he can please check the router. Anything the requires some brain power , is too much for him!!! I over loooked it for so many years, now its starting to bite me in the ass. He then gets up to check the wires, and ask if I had pay. I said no but its not due yet. Also even if it was overdue they dont CUT everything off until way after. ANYWHO, I use my hotspot so that I can check, and its not due until the 15th, SO AGAIN, i ask him to check the wires, because there were clear instructions on the screen about what might be wrong and it wasnt the WIFI it was the router itself. So we had internet , just wasn’t properly transmitted. So after asking him to check the router, he quickly starts complaining about the mess the last cable guy made, complaining how he cant turn it on and, giving me an attitude and a tone because he just can’t, doing the bare min, literally TOUCHED 1 wire and gave up, saying he feels better if someone else disconnects the wire to check, as he goes back on the couch, THEN complains how we HAVE To call them and give them a piece of our mind since we are paying customers. Funny thing is , when we says “we”, he means ME. He would never actually get on the phone and explain to a company his fustrations. It would be me, while hes most likely sitting on the couch playing video games or REALLY mad sitting on the couch not playing video games, because of the wifi. What bothers me most is the lack of responsiblity he takes on. Also like he wants to avoid all grown men responsiblities, its become the biggest turn-off and been thinking of ways to have real conversation with him without him getting butt hurt because he is very sensitive, also he plays victim and I cant let him do that. He is not a victim at all , in anyway, but the second i confront him about something he is trying to avoid, he plays victim. Im so tired of being the one that has to constantly asses every situation were ever in. Hes the man for goodness sake. In reality he’s a beta and I’m in alpha. which makes this kinda hard. Previous relationship , we were both alphas and as much as we did bump heads, we also agreed on a lot and learned things together as the are new to us. Other times, we both take the lead in situations and it was like working with 2 heads rather than 1. Now it feels like just 1 head with 2 people. And like they always say, 2 heads are BETTER than 1. I just feel so lost, because I’m so use to have a Man that can handle business without me, who uses their OWN judgement, I don’t even want to talk down on him, but as time goes on and were not doing anything for ourselves,I start to feel this hole, void, in my heart, something is missing, something is wrong. Why is he such a good person with a great heart but lacks what makes a person resilent. For years he has lied to everyone about having his license. Why ? Im not sure, not that I lived with him for a over a year, I know why, hes scared of real life responsiblities that he would have to handle himself because no one else will. No health insurance, even tho its free now in days, because thats just another responiblity he does not want or care to have, Even for his own health. UNLESS I push him, which I have brought up so many times, but I can not do it for him.Then his license, I have asked him to get it and he said okay, never did, asked him again, said he will do it, does it and forgets the date, then he says he will make a new date, havent heard anything about. I dont know how much more I need to annoy him about ?! Since I’ve met him  Im the ONLY driver, driving us everywhere. Any place, its me. Since 2016, its 2020. Not sure whats stopping him, He also brags a lot about the money he makes and he saves it, buys some toys for himself, and takes me out on dinner dates. Which I apprecaite so much of course, but I wish he would do more for himself. Hes just so scared of life I believe, I could be wrong, but thats all he seems to prove since Ive met him! Very sensitive and he likes attention. NEVER noticed that until a FEW people brought that up and I do see that very clearly now. Its hard to have a partner who only values what he says and disregard me. I can let him talk and I go along with it, he on the other hand, cant wait for me to stop talking and he never gives any kinda feedback because he wasnt really listening. Im getting pretty tired of it. Im starting to think I may have made the wrong decision. Whenever something is wrong its like I need to be the leader of the problem and fix it myself, and I think he thinks I like the idea of being the head bitch in charge but in reality its exhausting and just one sided. I have never seen him actually take control of a critical situation without my help. I always end up being the one to finalize everything, as if he HAS to go thru me. Which I do appreciate but it just also feels like he does it to hand me down the rest of the solution. Like NO! Once in a while would be nice if he did things that turn out fine, all alone. NEVER happens. I know of everything and mostly fix it myself.Even THINGS, Hes not hands on so things that would need a quick fix, something my dad would fix easily, john would have a total meltdown and give up fast as fuck. I thought having a person this gentel would be good for my soul but I think its the opposite. Since the day that we rekindle our friendship 2 years ago,I started using hard drugs, LITERALLY the day after we hung out at a show we were both at. I havent been okay since dec 2018 and i though dating him would make me feel better and help fix that void in me, so far, nothing.... I can see I’m stringing this relationship along and Im not sure if I should continue.I have very high hopes with living an amazing life with him, I always saw it in him , that WE would be perfect for each other. I think I based a book by its cover and the first two pages and ran with it. Without reading the whole book, and its not turning out so much as what I thought we would be. He quickly became like a grandpa once we started to date, and then telling me he didnt like when i went out, it was just so shocking considering that we , him, I and all my friends would go all the time, he loved he things I loved to do too, so wtf ?! He almost changed into a person I didnt want to date, the second we started to date. So confusing and almost decieved. Almost he faked how chill he was to get closer to me, It wasnt until a year ish later that I realized , I have been seeing only 1 side of him, the side he wanted me to see, and I loved it, and then the real him I didnt Know and frankly Im not sure if I really like. He loves me so fucking much, but I dont feel fulfilled. Something feels very off, I am missing something and I truly dont know what it is. I hope that we can help each other grow whether alone or together, I just want to know what I wanna do with my life and I need more motivation than what Im getting right now. I feel like im slowing my life down and going no where. I dont like it and I dont want this going on any longer.I NEED to find my way!!!! I hope hes there either as my bf or my friend and we work things out. wish me luck in whatever  I choose to do. THNXX  

[solaneceae]

Beware of The Elephant - Chapter 8 - Edge

Dave’s mind is playing tricks on him. (TW: self-harm)

written before ep 6 came out. reposting this because it wasnt showing up in the tag anymore?? and the tagging didnt work??? wtf is this broken ass hellsite

Read on AO3 : https://archiveofourown.org/works/21035054/chapters/50367110

Mustering a coherent thought was proving more difficult by the minute.

Dave paced back and forth in the stuffy hospital room, urging his body to keep moving; he was afraid that if he stopped, the bone-deep exhaustion would overtake him and he’d never get up again.

He rubbed at his face; his palms were a bit too warm to his liking, and slightly clammy. He and the others had been up for about sixty hours now, and the modafinil wouldn’t keep them awake much longer. They’d soon be due for a new dose.

After scanning the other sicko in the back room, Linda has figured whatever was causing people to die only kicked in when the subject entered REM sleep. She’d kicked them out and had been hauled up in an office since then, trying to figure out a way for them to get some shut-eye without entering that particular sleep cycle.

It… wasn’t going so well, if the frustrated groans coming through her door were any indication.

Dave sighed, massaging his temples; he could feel a pretty bad migraine incoming. Maybe he should go ask Linda for some ketoprofen…

But then something moved in the corner of his vision, and his whole body froze; a quiet, high-pitched giggling slithered its way into his ear, eerie and invasive.

Daviiiiiiiiiie~

“No,” he choked, eyes widening. He felt his heart beating hard and fast in his ribcage, something cold spreading into his bones. “No, no no no fuck no please no-”

His vision swam, growing in and out of focus as his breathing got faster and shallower. He could see dark, undefined shapes appearing all around the room; on the beds, on the shelves, all over the floor and even the ceiling-

“It’s not real,” he mumbled to himself, clenching his fists; his nails dug into his palms, the pain barely keeping him from falling apart here and now. “It’s not fucking real. Linda said this would happen. I’m just losing my shit. ‘S not real, not real, not real…”

The night guard kept repeating those words like a mantra as he propped his back against the wall; he slid to the floor, his legs shaking too hard to support his own weight any longer. He closed his eyes but the giggling didn’t stop, growing louder and louder; it was coming from every corner of the room now. The little fuckers were taunting him, mocking him, toying with him-

He felt something brush against his arm and he almost screamed. He bit his lip to keep the sounds in, burrowing his head in his arms, forehead pressing so hard against his knees that strange colors danced in the darkness behind his eyelids. “Shut up,” he whined, his right hand reaching mindlessly into his coat pocket. “Shut up shut up shut up shut up- ”

His hand came back out clutching a red, worn down swiss army knife. He didn’t register what he was doing in his panicked state, his body moving on autopilot.

And when the blade slashed against his forearm, it almost took him by surprise.

His head snapped up, eyes flying open in shock and pain, mouth opening up in a strangled gasp; he felt like a drowning man, reaching out to the surface to gulp down sweet, precious air. The burning sensation on his arm cleared the fog surrounding his mind somewhat, the giggling receding to a barely noticeable whisper.

Dave blinked, his fevered gaze slowly settling on the angry red line on his skin; dark red pearls were already forming to the surface, growing and growing before dripping down like crimson tears, down his forearm and onto the dusty carpet below.

A part of him knew how fucked up it all was. But somehow, this felt almost comforting. Grounding. It had made them go away…

Unfortunately, it didn’t last long. As the sharp pain faded to a dull throb, the hallucination came back full force, if not even stronger than before. So, in a desperate, dazed attempt to make it stop, Dave drew another line down his arm. Quick, silent, methodical.

Soon enough his skin was marred with shallow cuts, red lines criss crossing along his wrist all the way to his elbow. He held it out in front of him as he sliced and slashed and cut, his body rocking back and forth, back hitting the wall in a steady rhythm. His arm was growing numb, bright red pooling on the floor and blooming on his shirt and it hurt it hurt but the voices were keeping quiet-

“Dave? You in h- oh shit! ”

He snapped out of his trance; Mateo stood frozen in the doorway, wide charcoal eyes boring holes into Dave’s soul. The night guard jerked back into the wall, cradling his sliced-up arm against his chest protectively. His mind was still all muddled and weird, but one thing he knew for sure was that he really, really didn’t want anyone to see him like this.

Especially not him. Not Mateo.

Dave only watched, eyes wide and arm throbbing with white-hot pain -fuck, the numbness was going away- as his best friend took a small, hesitant step towards him, his arms raising in a placating manner.

“Okay man,” the latino breathed out, ”I ain’t gonna ask, ain’t gonna say anything. Can you just please let go of the knife?”

Dave only blinked, too stunned to respond. Everything felt cold and distant. God , he was so tired. At least the voices were gone. Had Mateo scared them away?

In a daze, he let the taller male kneel down next to him and gently pry the knife away from him before taking hold of his arm. Mateo examined the bloodied cuts still dripping onto his friend’s clothes, then hummed. “Yup, those need to be patched up fast. I’ll get Linda.”

He shifted to get up and run to the office the nursed had hauled herself into, but let out a startled gasp as Dave grabbed his arms and pulled him down. The smaller man clawed at his back and squeezed himself against his broad chest.

“W-wow there dude, what-” Mateo stammered, his face heating up somewhat; but he was too worried about his partner’s state to pay any attention to that detail: Dave’s breathing was too fast, too loud. The bleeding seemed to have ebbed to a stop -thank fuck the cuts weren’t deep- but it still looked painful as all hell.

“M’s-sorry,” the man wheezed. He was shivering. “I j-just wanted them to s-stop…”

Mateo’s eyes softened in understanding. He let out a small sigh and wrapped his arms around his partner, securing him in a gentle hold. “S’alright,” he said softly, “I get it. I really do. Just breathe for me, okay? You’re okay.”

He held him until the man’s trembling faded, stroking his back soothingly. By the time his breathing came back to normal, Dave felt absolutely drained; he let out a tired sign and let his eyes slip shut, going limp against the latino.

“Wh- Dave?” he heard Mateo call out, panic seeping into his voice, “Shit, don’t-”

He weakly slammed his fist against the taller man’s arm with a noncommittal grunt, assuring him he was awake and aware.

“Oh thank fuck. Don’t pull this shit on me man, you almost gave me a heart attack!”

Dave chuckled; Mateo’s ramblings and teasing never failed to ground him. The man was like an anchor, keeping him sane through even the most violent storms.

His best friend. And his last in the world.

“Ya need a minute?” the latino asked.

Dave hummed. Mateo’s chest was warm and inviting, his steady heartbeat lulling him into a pleasant drowsiness. He knew they’d have to get up soon, before sleep could claim him; but he wanted to bask in the comfort for just a little bit longer.

“Heh, fine. But not for long, y’hear me you lazy asshole? We still need to patch you up.”

“Mmh.”

The silence stretched for a couple seconds. Mateo’s hand left his backside, settling itself on top of his head. “…I thought I’d lost you.”

Dave cracked his eyes open, peering up curiously at his friend; his face was frozen into a stony expression, staring at the wall in front of him. A strange light flickered in his gaze; something painful. “I already lost so much, y’know? I’ve told you it all already.” he said, a bit too casually for it to be genuine. He looked down at Dave. “So if you think I’m gonna let you go without a fight, think again you lil’ shit. You’re stuck with me. So if I catch you doing that shit again, I’m gonna kick your ass so hard you’ll shit backwards for the rest of your life, got it?”

Dave blinked, warmth blooming somewhere inside his own chest. He nodded, gulping down the knot in his throat. “Okay, geez… “

Mateo smirked, fondly patting his hair. “Damn right. Now let’s get off our asses, my legs are going numb.”

@shrinkthisviolet @cookieface678 @isashi-nigami @floating-in-stardust @teosbc @thepurple-n @mother-dweller @caustic-synishade

[drchrismurray]

|| I’m A Mess ||

who: Chris Murray and Dr. Marietta Winslow with mentions of Brittany Pierce, Santana Lopez, Sam Evans, Mercedes Jones and Noah Puckerman 

when: Friday Morning

why: Chris has therapy

“Chris… Chris are you with me?” Chris blinked a few times, his mind completely elsewhere other than in the small room he was seated in. He looked around at the blank walls, painted what he could only assume was supposed to be a calming grey. It looked much like his own office where he met his clients. Comfy seats, walls that made his patients feel safe. And pictures of him and his family that made him relatable so his patients felt that they could talk to him. He knew the tricks were just that. Tricks. Which was why he was having such a hard time in this particular session. “What?” he finally replied. “I asked if you were okay,” Dr. Winslow leaned foward. “We started talking about your family and you sorta blanked out.” Christ adjusted in his seat and shrugged. “What do you want me to say Doc?” The older woman sighed and leaned back. “Chris… this isnt new for you. Not only do you do this for a living but we’ve been meeting each other for nearly two months and you’ve made progress but today it’s like you dont actually want to be here. So why are you here?” “Because I’m paying you $100 an hour,” he quipped, not earning a response from her. He sighed deeply and rubbed his now sweating hands on his pants before clearing his throat. “I’ve just been having a hard time.” “Chris,” she said again. “You were diagnosed with depression, something that millions of people deal with. And on top of that, your life hasnt exactly been a walk in the park. Your mother died when you were a child, and your father shipped you off to live with relatives when you were 16. You became a father at 17, and eventually married a woman who tried to kill your cousin. You have had more than a hard time…I just want to help you. Or we can sit here for the rest of the hour and not talk at all.” He tried to ignore the ripping in his chest and stared out the window. “Today was hard,” he started. “I didnt wanna get out of bed this morning. I felt pretty empty and I know you said these new meds would kick in soon but I feel like I’m drowning…. Last night I couldnt sleep and I just stared at Brittany… I just kept wondering why the hell she was with me.: “Why do you think she’s with you?” Dr. Winslow asked. “Do you want the real answer or what I tell myself?” “Both.” Chris swallowed and looked down at the ground, knowing that honesty was actually the best policy. He wasnt dumb, he knew that if he was going to be able to manage the storm that was his brain, he needed to lay all his shit bare. Even if it made him feel gross. “Most days I tell myself it’s because she loves me. Because she realized that she wanted to be with me. Other days I think it’s just because we have Ari. Because I’m convenient. Because... Puck isnt here.” He hated thinking it. That he was second best and that he didnt deserve to be with Brittany. Most days he was okay. Most days he knew he deserved to be happy. But those days were overshadowed by the days when he felt completely and utterly useless and unwanted. Dr. Winslow nodded. “Have you always felt like that?” “I dont know,” he shrugged. “Maybe? I always wondered what if we hadnt gotten pregnant? What if she’d had an abortion or if we just hadnt dated at all… would we be together right now?” “And?” “And… the answer scares me.” “Why?” “Because I knew that had we not had Ari. Had we not dated at all, I’d still have been with Santana and I would’ve married her…And she’d still be with Puck. He mightve still cheated but it wouldnt’ve been with Steph and maybe just maybe he’d still be alive.” “That’s a lot to put on yourself Chris. How does that make you feel?” “I dont know. I know that I love Brittany. So much. And I dont regret a single bit of our life together. And I want to be with her forever. But had she and Puck not broken up, she wouldnt have given me the time of day.” She nodded. “Does that make you feel insecure? Or unworthy?” Chris shrugged with a small nod.. “Look I know I’m good looking. I know I’m charming. I can turn it on whenever I want but the people who I fall in love with rarely love me back. Shawn was too deep in the closet to admit ever feeling anything for me. And Santana well I cant blame her because she barely loved herself when we dated as kids. And Stephanie was insane and cheated on me repeatedly. What makes me so sure Brittany is different?” “Is this why you have such a hard time thinking of marrying her?” Chris licked his lips and frowned. “Maybe? I wanna give her the world but marriage just sounds like something I never wanna do again. I mean everyone’s marriage has fallen apart. Charice and Dylan are divorced, Sam and Cedes never even made it down the aisle even though they’ve tried a combined number of three times. Why would I be the exception?” Dr. Winslow sighed softly and leaned forward. “Chris… I think when it comes to dating you’ve faced a lot of rejection. With Shawn, he rejected not only his sexuality but you as well. With Santana, she hid a lot of things from you and while I dont believe you were perfect, I think that’s added to your current mindset. With Stephanie, she cheated on you and then hurt someone you care about. I think it’s totally valid that you feel like marriage isnt something you want because you are yet to feel stable in any romantic relationship you’ve been in. But I think right now is a chance for you to try creating your own stability.” “How so?” he questioned. “Chris, have you told Brittany you’ve been meeting with me yet?” He started to shake his head. “Doc, I told you I cant. Look we’ve all been through so much shit the last year, I cant add this on. She’s already having a hard time with Cedes being gone and these new damn friends of hers that frankly suck. If I add depressed boyfriend to that, I dont know what she’ll do.” “Perhaps you arent giving her the chance to react. You’re basically taking her option away because you’re afraid she’ll reject you… maybe this even plays into the fact that you feel like you need to be the shoulder for everyone else. It’s a coping mechanism. You deal with other’s problems because maybe if they see you have a use for them they wont reject you much like your romantic partners and even your own family did as a youth.” Chris winced and clutched his chest due to the honesty in her words. “Ouch… Jesus Doc.” She shrugged a shoulder. “You dont pay me to lie to you,” she said. “Next week, I want to hear that you’ve not only told Brittany but that you’ve given her a chance to prove that you are in a stable, healthy relationship. One that wont end in rejection. Allow her to prove you wrong Chris.” Chris nodded, not wanting to do what she said but knowing that it would be helpful. “What if she proves me right?” he whispered. “Then you two made a beautiful little girl. And being with her taught you a lot. But she isnt the one you’re gonna end up with and that’s okay too. Stability starts in you first. Not in someone else.” Chris sighed loudly and rubbed the back of his head before standing. “Wow Doc, I feel like they need to pay you the big bucks.” “Aw Chris,” she grinned. “They already do. See you next week?” “Next week it is.”