#to be clear I’m not trying to ‘prove’ that anything was or wasnt real

[damian-janus-pendragon]

Also a review Two of Us play based on the 2000 film made Michael Lindsay Hogg who made the Let it Be documentary and actually knew them:

….

Do y’all UNDESTAND.

Best RPF Ship - Round 6 Match 2

[bridgyrose]

Hi, I hope you're having a nice day :)

Snowfall prompt?

Cinder leaves Salem and starts working with the good guys but they are all, understandably, still suspicious of her and she's also very cold and reserved. She goes on a mission with Winter and is forced (by Salem or maybe someone else) to remember her past in Atlas, revealing it to Winter in the process.

After they finish their mission they go back to the place where they're currently staying (hotel room, one bed situation maybe) and Cinder can't hide all her feelings of hurt resurfacing after remembering such a traumatic event in her life. Winter, although still resenting Cinder for all she had done to her and the people she cared about, decides to put that aside for the moment and comfort her the best she can because she understands how such an unfair treatment could have caused Cinder to be the way is today and how much strength it must take Cinder to try to overcome her past and do the right thing.

Cinder sighed and sat down on her bed, wiping tears from her eyes. The mission was supposed to be a simple one: go into Beacon and search for the relic. With Winter helping her, clearing out the grimm was supposed to go easy. But nothing could’ve prepared her to face… that. 

Winter sat down next to her and put a hand on her shoulder. “Everything okay?” 

“They… they still hate me…” 

“They dont hate you. Worried you’re still going to hurt them, but they dont hate you.” 

Cinder nodded, shaking a bit as she wiped a few more tears from her eyes. “R-right…” 

Winter went silent, awkwardly sitting next to Cinder for a few minutes. “There’s… something else, isnt there?” 

Cinder didnt answer at first, trying to hold back her emotions. But that grimm they faced and the gas it let out, those visions of what happened to her… all of it became too much. Tears streamed down her face as she broke down into sobs, unable to hold anything back. She had thought she was over her past. That she could no longer be hurt by it. But seeing it all happen again, watching herself get shocked while Rhodes stood by doing nothing, the Madame and the look she had every time she punished Cinder, even her step sisters… all of it hurt to see again. The scarring around her neck burned as if someone was shocking her all over again. 

Winter sighed and awkwardly pulled Cinder into a hug, rubbing her back. “It’ll be okay. We’re safe here. I’m… I’m not sure what you saw while fighting that grimm, but whatever it was, its not real.” 

“It… was though…” Cinder wiped away a few tears, moving the collar of her shirt to show the scarring around her neck. “I… I was used as a slave when I was younger. Abused for the littlest of mistakes. One day after being shocked, I hid away and stole a hunter’s weapons. For a moment, I thought I had finally found my way out of there, at least until he caught me. But then, he started training me. I wanted to be a hunter like him one day so I could never feel powerless. But one day… I just… I couldnt take it anymore and snapped.” 

Winter hesitated as she listened to Cinder, realizing her upbringing wasnt all that different from her own. “Just couldnt take it anymore, could you?” 

Cinder shook her head. “The madame and my step sisters found the swords my mentor gave to me. And then she punished me for what felt like hours. When I couldnt take it anymore, I… I just…” The memories of that night started running through her mind again, the way it felt to break the necks of her family, the pain she felt from the repeated shocking even after she put up her aura, how good it felt to finally have the power for a little freedom. “I killed them. My mentor walked in as I killed the madame and he… he was so disappointed in me. Instead of trying to help me, he drew his swords and then told me all I’d ever do is run now.” Cinder took a few deep breaths, trying to keep herself calm, her hand starting to heat up. “I ended up killing him too. I didnt… I didnt want to, but I was afraid and angry and… and I… I couldnt-” 

“You did what you had to after he didnt give you a chance.” Winter sighed and looked over to Cinder, feeling torn between hating her and feeling sorry for her. “As a huntsman, he should’ve tried to get you out, although I know the laws for Atlas dont exactly make that easy. I think I understand now why you’ve been with Salem for so long. The power she promised to you, it was for your freedom, wasnt it?” 

Cinder nodded, looking at her prosthetic and creating a small fireball in her hand, cooling it off into ice. “She found me a couple years after all of that, offering to train me as long as I helped her bring about a new world order. That there was power I could have that would make sure I could never fear losing my freedom. What I didnt realize was that she was basically the same as the madame. All I did was trade one mistress for another, being punished the same way unless she needed me. And I kept trying to justify every reason I had to stay with her.” 

“Until she abandoned you.” 

Cinder nodded, looking back down to the ground and dropping her ice ball, letting it shatter. “Until she abandoned me, left for dead at your mercy.” 

“Then we’ll try to make things right.” Winter took Cinder’s hand and held it tightly. “I can only judge you from what I’ve seen, and Ruby’s made it clear that you will have to atone for what you’ve done. And to start, I’m going to give you the chance you were denied before. To let you prove yourself.” 

Cinder looked over to Winter, slightly confused by why she’d do that for her. “You… You really mean it?” 

“I do. Everyone deserves a second chance. Especially someone who was denied a first.” 

Cinder immediately hugged Winter, starting to sob into her shoulder. “Thank you. I… thank you.” 

Winter smiled softly, rubbing Cinder’s back. “Just dont make me regret this.” 

[zhuhongs]

Upon rereading tgcf, one of the biggest complaints I have is how lackluster all the extra chapters were. literally none of them were good and all contained rlly gross and harmful sentiments (like the amnesia one which.. yea.. or all the things implying xl should get pregnant for hc thus equating gay relationships with hetero ones and playing into the wife thing and just GOD I HATE MXTX) 

There were a lot of little plot points i wish that had been further elaborated on more in the extras as opposed to hualian being ... like that. I had enough. Like mdzs had actaully good extras (minus the incense burners) that were nice side stories that elaborated more on the characters. Like the hook one with the juniors was so cute and i loved seeing them grow more. Or the lotus pod extras omg.. im such a lotus pod extra stan. those were so cute and gave us a lot of good insight into just how lovestruck lwj was during the times when he didn’t see wwx. mxtx should've stuck to those sorta extras in tgcf but NOOO. SO I have a list of so many other more interesting things those chapters couldve been spent on like:

A resolution on He Xuan’s revenge and his character arc. Bc its implied He Xuan is still hanging out and watching over sqx and that taking revenge didn’t fully satisfy him bc ok.. yea shi wudu is dead but he xuans family will never come back. Now what does he have to live for?? i wish we couldve seen a look into his life during the entire ordeal. like a chapter from his perspective while he was posing as Ming Yi  and maybe a look at a conversation btw he xuan and the real ming yi or a chapter after SQX was banished to see what he’s doing now. Also what did he xuan owe hua cheng money for anyways?? Like ik not every little thing has to be explained but I Want to Know. PLEASE more goth boyfriend content now I just wanna see him :,((

a better resolution of yin yu and quan yizhens storyline. im still mad abt how that plot point was split btw books 3 and 5  when it was rlly out of place and  there were other more pressing plot matters and it just rlly deserved more time. Also i thought yin yu died!?!?!? but apparently one of the extras says he’s alive and man... i;m not reading any more of the extras to see that, give me a full yin yu and quan yizhen chapter.. fuck.

a day in the life of the guoshi fangxin or general hua PLEASE especially like one where hua cheng was SO CLOSE to meeting xie lian but had no clue that xie lian was there at the time but the two did smth that inadvertantly helped the other and they still were connected even though they hadnt met omg pls that’d be so nice. like imagine Hua cheng catching a glimpse of the guoshi in public in yong’an while he’s trying to follow some lead that points to xie lian or maybe following a lead to capture qi rong bc he said he knew qi rong was a part of the yong’an stuff and originally thought the guoshi was one of qi rongs pawns. like can you IMAGINE him getting so close. but at the last second he did smth small that impacted xie lian. like they bumped into eachother on the street or smth. god i’d go crazy

OR vice versa.. like a day in the life of the young ghost king hua cheng. Like again, one of my biggest issues was that hua cheng just knew everything and its never really explained how he got all of that info. like yes he’s been alive very long and has eyes and ppl working for him everywhere but like... how did he build that network?? I’d love to see a chapter of young ghost king hua cheng travelling around trying to learn as much as he can abt the world and how it can help bring him to xie lian. and the two maybe are in the same kingdom for a bit and they don’t meet exactly but hua cheng stops some fight or something and helps xie lian indirectly or maybe xie lian is performing on the street in some costume and hua cheng doesn’t recognize him and smiles and gives him a coin or smth. idk i’m just dying for any sorta extra chapter or fic like that. i’m honestly so tempted to write my own but i cant write

also!! we’ve seen how xie lian picks up people down on their luck near him and show them kindness (like banyue, lang ying, xiao ying, he tried to with san lang but we know how that ended lmao) so i’d love to see another little vignette of him doing that on his travels and how every person he meets teaches him smth about life and being a good person and idk, i just think it’d be rlly sweet. i love this facet of his character and feel like we didn’t see enough of it towards the end.

ALSO hua cheng only seems to respect one heavenly official besides xie lian and thats yushi huang.. i assume thats mostly bc she was the only one to help xie lian and let him use the rain master hat to bring water to yong’an. I was thinking maybe when he was a new supreme he had run into trouble and maybe was picked up by the rain master and helped him heal and in return he promised to help protect her village from harm in the future. Like i know a heavenly official wouldn’t cooperate with a ghost like that but yushi huang is different and doesn’t really care about the heavens so i think she would protect him if he could do something to benefit her village. ik this is kinda far fetched but when he first became a supreme I’m sure a bunch of ppl probably tried to mess with him and didn’t rlly believe him to be undefeatable bc he hadn’t proved himself yet also i doubt all his power came overnight. he had to learn how to use it once he escaped the kiln. and some group probably thought they could weaken him somehow. I’m thinking maybe a rlly well formed group of ghosts actually caught him off guard once and he had to retreat and was picked up by the rain master and stayed with her and learned from her a bit. i think it’d be a cool concept also i just rlly want more yushi huang content and i’m on their friendship agenda bc he rlly did seem to actually respect her when she first appeared and i think it’d be cool if the two had some history together.

Also idrc if this was addressed I couldve missed it But!! Did xie lian ever tell Hua cheng that the reason he got the curse shackles and was banished again in the first place wasnt bc jun wu wanted to punish him, but because he requested it. And specifically requested it bc he felt guilty abt letting wu ming take the human face disease and disperse for his sake. So he took the shackles and descended to atone for that?? Bc I dont recall hua cheng learning that bc his soul was already dispersed at that point so it didnt follow him and xie lian didnt say anything so uhhh... someone should tell hua cheng that. Like I dont think xie lian rlly said how much hua cheng meant to him and didnt show him he was loved in grand ways. Like xie lian did always care for bc in other ways but I think if hua cheng learned abt this on screen it wouldve been such a great moment and I'm rlly surprised mxtx didnt address this iirc!?!? Like imagine jun wu telling Hua cheng this in the kiln bc xie lian wouldnt say it himself. Imagine how cool that would be.

Also a small thing adding into the whole young ghost king Hua cheng stuff. Its implied and p much stated that hua cheng isnt his real name. That he likely doesnt have a real name bc his parents died? (It's not clear. I'm still mad at mxtx for not making his childhood clearer). So I'd like to see when and why hua cheng chose that name for himself. The new tgcf ending song kinda hints at its meaning with the lyrics "for you I'd fill a city of flowers" as xie lian is the flower wielding martial god so it's probably inspired by that. Also xie lian saved hua cheng from leaping off the city walls but I'd love to hear him say it bc the implication of his name didnt dawn on me for quite a bit and I dont know if everyone made the connection. Again I sure as hell didnt. So itd be cool to see a chapter that takes place in his past after just ascending as a supreme

Overall I rlly think tgcf had a lot more potential to be even better and a lot of that comes down to fleshing out the side characters and letting hualian have more of a storyline independent of one another. like i know the appeal and message of tgcf is that through love, people can overcome anything, but fuck man. i just wanna see what these two (mostly hua cheng) where like in the absence of each others presence. Part of what I really liked abt mdzs is that we got to see that longing develop btw wangxian when the two weren’t together and how they thought about each other and did things in thei others spirit bc they knew the other wouldve done the same thing. but whatever, mxtx was too consumed by her own unhealthy idea of what devotion and true love looks like but still. i rlly think the extras couldve helped the story be better rather than be fujoshi fuel that i try to bleach from my mind -_-

[minamotoz]

Thoughts on the Lumon friendship and also the potential of their romantic relationship?

I HAVW MANY THOUGHT. BRAIN FULL. this is gonna be a very long post.

starting with their platonic relationship: top tier, easily the healthiest and most wholesome throughout the show. theres a lot of mutual trust and love between them thats just extremely obvious. those two literally cant be away from each other for more than 2 seconds. also i just love how in s2 theyre such a nice example of a healthy m/f friendship in kids shows in which romance isnt on the table. such a nice change of pace, especially how quickly the prospect of them being in a relationship/liking each other gets shut down really quickly. as much as i love their romantic relationship and how much i wish they expanded on it more, it shows such nice growth. they've moved on from that, and sim��n especially proves to break out of the nice guy tm stereotype he kinda pushes being in season 1.

HAVING SAID THAT: THEIR ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP HAD SO MUCH WASTED POTENTIAL ITS INSANE. first, the amount of build up throughout season 1? the slowburn and angst was honestly so good, even if it suffered in terms of writing. its established extremely quickly that simón has romantic feelings for luna, even before its explicitly said, its extremely obvious. not to mention the fact that luna does reciprocate, but for some reason it gets swept under the rug as 'confusion' (which is something they do a lot when it comes to these two and their relationship). theres so much buildup and tension between the two, the confession of feelings (on simóns end)/bonding while practicing for the competition in 1x40, the angst as simón nearly moves away, the whole entire daniela arc (which i firmly believe is when luna realizes she likes him romantically), and then they FINALLY start dating for real, and. nothing. everything that was leading up to this just gets dropped. luna suddenly acts completely disinterested and uncomfortable in their relationship, as if she wasnt pining for him this whole time. they date for a total of 9 episodes and halfway through all this tension up and dies. i know they were nearing the end of the season and needed time for a lutteo endgame but its evident that the writers had no regard for handling this properly. again: luna's feelings for simón are just brushed off as 'confusion' which is so dumb its insane. i'm not saying everything up until they were dating was perfect, i have a lot of beef with how a lot of things about them were handled, but it feels so . sloppy.

i know i just said that i liked the platonic!lumón of s2, but theres a lot i would've done to at least make more sense, at least if i was able to make my own self indulgent lumón ending. first, simón entirely shrugging off everything that happened in s1 as 'confusion'. again, they use this excuse so much its insane. he wasn't 'confused' he was desperately in love, theres a very clear difference. i honest to god have no idea if we're supposed to take his explanation at face value, but that seems to be the narrative the show takes post-s1, so i'll take it at face value. if simón truly was confused, that would make so many of his actions in s1 make zero sense. he moved overseas for her, he basically did everything for her, he had a full on mental breakdown and tried moving back overseas because he thought she was in love with someone else, how would that make sense if he was 'confused'? this isnt the only time he explained it as confusion too, he also did it during the daniela arc, which was literally just him lying to himself to make himself feel better and try and ease tension. if i had a say in how this went, why not make this bs a lie as well, albeit a lie he genuienly believes. i think the whole lutteo/simbar plot mandated relationship failure lined up way too perfectly for it to not mean anything for lumóns relationship. i think thats what they were gonna do for s3 before the episodes were cut from 80 to 60. i also have basically no idea what happens between simón and luna in s3 after the first 10 episodes because i cant and refuse to finish it, but i would really like if the aforementioned plot mandated relationship failure to mean something. have s2 be full of little hints between them and stuff, and then have them get closer during the last 5 episodes (whicn they already do kinda), then have s3 be a sort of 'no matter what happens, i always come back to you' thing? which kinda happened during the daniela arc, but on a bigger scale.

this is all just me being too deep into my wishful thinking i guess. lumón as a ship was basically born to crash and die a painful death, but i cant help but feel a little sad for myself that i decided to attach myself to this dumb fuck ship that 5 other people on this earth like in the year of 2021. sorry if this isnt all that coherent, its late and these two fuck up my brain to the point where i cant write well.

[jisungsblkgf]

thin ice- jcw

pairing: chanwoo x reader, junhoe x reader (siblings)

genre: fluff? angst? 

summary: lover!chanwoo gets caught with brother!junhoe’s little sibling

warnings: this is a little suggestive, lots of swears near the end. 

notes: this is like barely proofed and I also got carried away and turn a blurb into whatever this is. please request!

to say you and chanwoo were dating was kinda a stretch. it wasn’t like you weren't hooking up. oh no you were most definitely doing that. it also wasnt like you spent nights talking about a life together. you were most  definitely doing that as well. the main reason you claimed that dating was a stretch was your amazing older brother and chanwoo’s bandmate junhoe. 

you both knew your brother would flip his shit if he found out you two were together, especially when it was behind his back. one of the first things that was said when the boys met you was ‘my sibling is to be considered a baby and off limits.’ chanwoo found that easy to comply with at the beginning. I mean yeah you were cute but in like a high school kinda way. besides chanwoo had a thing for more mature partners at the time. everything changed when you came home from your study abroad. chanwoo had no idea what the fuck they were feeding you over there but you definitely didnt look like the teenager that left. one night he drunkenly described you as fuller. safe to say that didn't mow over well with junhoe.

in fact, it seemed like all of korea had noticed your little glow up because as soon as your picture was shown on some reality show the boys went on, your sns exploded. you didnt mind the attention but it really wasnt your thing. yg, on the other hand, saw you as an opportunity to get some free promotion and junhoe began having to drag you to random nights out. one night, the boys manager dragged you to a club with the boys. yg was lowkey hoping you'd get photographed because ‘all press is good press’. you weren't planning on doing too much but you found yourself not only wasted but in the arms of a wasted chanwoo. it was a dumb decision but the night ended with the two of sneaking back to the boys dorm early and fucking on junhoe’s bed because the two of you are petty.

flash forward 6 months and you were deep into this entanglement with only the boys minus junhoe knowing anything. even today, you were secretly laying under chanwoo and kissing him like your life depended on it. his lips were plush and swollen and he tasted like a mix of mint and vanilla. he slowly moved his hands under your top slowly kneading your soft skin. you slowly shifted your lips to the supple skin on his neck. a slight whimper escapes chanwoo’s mouth and it sends you over the edge. the two of you began a hurried rush to remove each others clothes. once the two of you were down to your underwear, chanwoo began to attack you lips once again. this time he was much rougher in an attempt to counter the momentary lose of control he had earlier. 

the two of you ground into each other like your lives depended on it. the feeling of the underwear between you guys began to bother him. but as if someone higher power had pity on the two of you, chanwoo feels the argue to hold back just a bit. 

“hey have you se- I fucking knew it! oh youre so fucking dead chan.” junhoe walks in abruptly stopping the session that was happening. chanwoo instinctively cover you with a nearby sheet. 

“hyung, i can explain.” he says trying to quickly re-dress before junhoe takes his head off. you look pleadingly at your brother but he is too clouded by rage to even meet your gaze. 

“you wanna explain? please do! please explain why my sibling is half naked under you? i explicitly said not them! you could hookup and use anyone, chan! you're fucking famous! you could go down the street and find hundreds of people throwing themselves at you, so please explain why in the fucking world you would use y/n?!” junhoe was full on screaming at this point. the other boys were silently milling by the door. they all shot you guys sympathetic looks. 

“im not fucking using them! I love y/n! I'm in love with y/n, junhoe!” your eyes widened at the sudden confession. you knew that chanwoo loved you but it wasnt something he really ever said out loud. “i have spent the last six months trying to not yell in from the rooftops all because y/n was scared of you! of how you'd treat them and me! and here you are proving their fucking point.” chanwoo knew he was on thin ice right now. how the fuck was he supposed to get away with sleeping with you and yelling at his hyung. junhoe turned to you but instead of the angry face you expected, you were met with almost tearfilled eyes.

“you were scared of me, y/n? like truly too scared to tell me you liked chanwoo?” he asked almost pleading that it wasnt true. you gave a weak nod. “oh god, im an awful big brother. I was just trying to protect you. I- I didnt think...” he trailed off softly. the room fell silent as the three of you processed the situation at hand. finally, it was your turn to speak.

“junhoe, I know you just wanted to protect me, you're an amazing big brother and I wouldn't trade you for the world. but I really liked chanwoo, I still really like chanwoo. I dare say I'm madly in love with him. I knew I would lose that if I told you.” you stared at your brother trying to read the expression that washed over him.

“okay. if you really feel like this, then the damage is already done. how can I stop you its been six months already?” you smiled widely knowing it was your brother’s roundabout way of telling you he approves. junhoe lights up at the smile on your face but he quickly turns serious to address chan. “I swear to fucking god if you hurt them, I will not only beat you to a plump but make the rest of ikon’s contract insufferable for you. understand?” chanwoo nods quickly before shooting you a shit-eating grin. 

“okay, that was a really moving and important moment but can everyone get out so I can get dressed?” you interject. the boys clear their throats as they suddenly became aware of the fact you were only being covered with a sheet. junhoe quickly shoved the heads of the other ikon boys out of the doorway and started to leave before he looked at chanwoo who hadn't moved a inch. 

“what? me too? why, its not like I haven't seen it before?” chanwoo scoffs. you chuckle before pushing your lover out the door. you quietly close the door on the group of boys

“you were on real thin ice with that comment.” you hear junhoe growl at chanwoo.

[happys-crazy-queen22]

Newest Reyes

Gif credit @angels-reyes

My first Ez imagine. Hope you all enjoy.

Requested: yes on wattpad.

Happy Reading Dollies.

It was well past twelve am and you were still up studying, this exam put so much pressure on you that you thought your brain was going to fall out with all the information you had to learn. You yawned and stretched trying to stay awake but it wasnt helping so you opened your window and let the cool air breeze wake you up but you got a surprising awakening. Ez popped out behind the bushes scaring you half to death.

"Why would you do that"? You held your chest. Your face was white as snow.

"I'm sorry". He laughed kissing your face.

"It's not funny. What are you doing here so late"?

"I could ask you the same thing". He said climbing threw the window.

"I'm studying and you have to go". You sat back down at the desk.

"What are we studying"?

"Trigonometry. And you're supposed to be studying too, if you want to get into college".

"I already studied. Now I think you need a little break". He pulled you up and wrapped his arms around your waist, putting little kisses to your nose.

"I miss this". You say snuggling into his chest.

"We just did this like six hours ago". Ez chuckled.

"But I need it every hour".

"But then your dad would know and he'll kill me".

"I know. It sucks". You hugged him really tight.

"Okay enough, I have to get back to studying and you need to leave before my dad finds you here". You pecked his lips and he huffed heading back out the window.

"Get some sleep. I love you". He poked his head back in and quickly kissed you.

"I love you too". You went back to studying and tried finishing the last chapter before you went to bed but it seemed sleep was more important as you cut out the desk lamp and crawled into bed and drifted off.

"So how do you think you did"? Ez refuring to the exam.

"I guess okay. It was easy". You said sitting in his lap.

"That's good right"?

"They say if it's to easy you probably did it wrong".

"Doubt it, you aced it. I know it and soon we're going to go off to college and we can be seen out in public don't have to look over our shoulders looking out for your dad". He began kissing your neck.

"Stop, we're going to get caught". You giggled squirming away.

"Yo, Ez. Woah". Angel stopped in his tracks and starred with his mouth open.

"Please don't say anything". Ez placed you in the seat as he got up, protecting you.

"I know you know who's daughter that is but do you really"?

"Yes, he's your President".

"That's right you idiot. He's going to rip your balls off and send them to dad. That's his little girl".

"I know but I love her". He looked over his shoulder smiling at you.

"Love ain't real, its a high school crush that's going to get you killed". He started to walk off but Ez stopped him.

"You're not going to say anything right"?

"No but if I was you I'd end it before something happens". Angel walked off leaving Ez scared.

"I think I need to be getting home". You tell Ez but he wasn't listening so you got up and walked off leaving Ez to his thoughts. 

Angel of course had to open his big mouth as you read the pregnancy test in your hand. POSITIVE!  It read loud and clear.

"Perfect". You sigh, laying on your bed. How were you going to tell Ez? Oh no, your dad? He really would kill him now for sure.

You got up the nerve to tell Ez first but wanted to do something cute cause you knew he would be excited. So you went old school with a white onesie and a sharpie.

"Hey baby". Ez came up behind you during study time in the library.

"Hey, why aren't you in American history"?

"I skipped to see my beautiful and smart, super sexy girlfriend". He kissed your lips.

"Well I'm not thrilled with you skipping but I'm happy that you are here. I have something for you or should I wait"? You thought, making Ez growl.

"Now, give me". He held out his hands and you placed a box in his hand.

"Now when you open it, you have to promise to be quiet and not freak out".

"I promise". He excitedly opened the box and froze as he saw the word daddy.

Ez pulled out the onesie and held it reading it."Daddy's new riding buddy". With a little motorcycle.

"Seriously"?

"Yeah".

He stood up fast kicking his chair out from under him. "I'm gonna be a daddy". He screamedb cheering.

"Will you shut up"? One kid said.

Another said. "Good for you, my girlfriend calls me daddy too. Now would you shut the fuck up? We're trying to study". Ez looked at him confused.

"Wow". You said shaking your head.

"I cant believe it". He got you out of the chair and picked you up, hugging you tightly.

"I'm glad your excited. I hope this stays when you tell Bishop". Ez let go of you.

"Fuck me".

"I did and this is the result". You giggled poking his stomach.

"Funny".

"But you know he's going to kill me right"?

"I'll be there in the middle of the gun fire and I will shield you. I'm not letting you be taken away from us".

"Thanks but I think I should tell him that we're dating and then you'll come in and tell him".

"No that will just get you killed. We'll go in together and tell him".

"Okay. I can't believe we're going to be parents". He gushed bringing you close to him, softly kissing your lips.

"What time is those Reyes brothers going to be here again"? Your father asked as he got another beer from the refrigerator.

"They should be here any moment". You smiled going back to cool the stew. The plan was to tell Angel and your dad at the same time maybe it would lessen the blow to your dad that you got knocked up and still in high school.

Knock knock.

"I'll get it". You yelled running to the door. Opening it, Angel stepped in first and then Ez sneaking a kiss to your cheek.

"Hey".

"Come on in, dads in the living room. I'll get you something to drink". You excused yourself from them and went to get drinks.

Coming in the living room, you could feel the tension. What was going on?

"Here you go". "So what did I miss"?

"Ez tells me you're dating. Is that true"? Your father asked.

"Yes, we were going to tell you together. When the time was right". You starred at Ez.

"Anything else you want to tell me"? His tone made you tremble inside. You knew he knew. Something.

"Yeah there is actually". You took a deep breath in and held it in. "I'm pregnant". Letting the breath go.

"You're what"? Angel and Bishop said together. Angel slapped Ez on the back of his head. Making Ez growl at him.

"I'm pregnant and we're keeping the baby. We're still going to college and Ez will work nights. I'll work days if need be but we're doing this together with or without you". You say proudly.

"You're eighteen what do you know about raising a child"? Bishop asked.

"I've babysat since I was nine. I know how to raise a child".

"You're so young and you have a future ahead of you. And you let this ruin that". He pointed to Ez who had his head hung low.

"We love each other. He makes me laugh and he's so sweet to me. I couldn't ask for a better man in my life to call my own".

"I hope he's worth it to give everything up that you worked so hard for"?

"He is. I'm happy and that's all that matters. If you can't except that then you won't be in your granddaughters life". You quickly covered your mouth. You told them the gender.

"It's a girl"? Ez rose from his seat, walking over to you.

"We're having a baby girl". You cried, hugging Ez tightly.

"I'm happy for you brother but you're an idiot". Angel laughed.

"You're going to have a niece. You have to help me protect her".

"I'm here, ain't got no where else to be". He hugged Ez.

"Thanks man".

"Dad"? You crouched beside the chair Bishop was sitting in.

"Don't you want to be a papa"?

"I didn't want this life for you". He said not looking at you.

"Ez is a good man. He'll take care of us. But I'm always going to need advice from my wonderful, understanding father". You sugar coated it.

"I'm not happy about this. Not until I see that he can prove himself and I can hold my granddaughter in my arms". He smiled widely, letting you know he's okay with thw situation.

"Thanks daddy". You hugged him tight. You were his only child and his little girl. He wanted the best for you and to protect you. So letting you go was the hardest thing he ever had to do.

Eight months have passed, you gave birth to a healthy eight pounds ten ounces beautiful baby girl. Ez wanted to name her Marisol after his mother. You thought it was the sweetest way for his mom to be part of his daughters life. Ez and Bishop still don't get along very well but your dad wanted to keep an eye on him so hes prospecting for the MC. You just hope that they keep him out of trouble and from getting hurt. He has a family to come home every night too. You were going to college and Ez took classes online. You both wanted the best for your child that you were going to do it no matter what it took.

[kweebtrash]

Why Stop Now (M)

Pairing:  JohnnyxYutaxReader

Genre: PWP, One Shot, College Au (barely)

Summary: I literally just wanted to write about getting DP’d hardcore with my bias and wrecker. that’s it. It’s just fucking, short and sweet

Word Count: 4.2k

Features:  blowjob, anal fingering, vaginal fingering, anal, squirting, grinding, a smidge of public sex, a little bit of overstretching, 

A/N: Probs will edit some more later like tomorrow when I’m not so tired.

MasterlIst  Buy me a Ko-Fi    

It was a mistake coming here tonight. I didn’t want to be surrounded by a house full of idiots but I most certainly didn't want to run into my ex. Lucas was currently the bane of my existence after I caught him cheating on me at a party similar to this. The moment I saw him I took to drinking my sorrows away in order to forget. I hoped I looked good enough to ever make him regret being the world's biggest asshole to me. The unfortunate part was that I hadn't really eaten much for a good part of the day and the alcohol hit me harder than I wanted it to. I slowed down and worked through clusters of people to head upstairs and rest in Taeyong's bedroom. I hoped it wasnt occupied with a fucking couple as I didn't need war flashbacks to top off my already sour mood. His room was thankfully barren and I closed the door and set the lock.

The bed looked perfect for me to just take a quiet nap and I shuffled slowly to the mattress before throwing myself across it. I wanted my head to stop spinning a bit so I could start making good decisions. Once I was a bit more sober I would head home instead of wallowing in misery and chatting with guys I had slept with in the past. Almost the entirety of my track record was in attendance here which was the cherry on top of my clusterfuck sundae. There was Taeil from my college writing class, Taeyong, the host of the party, from my media class, Jaehyun from the Student Democrats club, and I was sure my most frequent suitors, Johnny and Yuta were floating around somewhere. All in all I was making mistake after mistake in the grand scheme of things.

I shut my eyes and tried to focus on sleep but the music was still too loud even through the closed door and I could hear voices pouring in from the open window. Those voices sounded way too familiar and I winced the moment I recognized them. I hoped to all hell they didn't notice me in the room as they were sitting on the mid roof right outside of Taeyong's bedroom. I curled up and tried to stay as quiet as possible but my plan failed entirely when I heard my name called out in a weed induced slur.

"Heyyyy baby! What are you doing here?!" Yuta giggled.

"Fuck I haven't seen you in forever!" Johnny added.

I grumbled and squeezed my eyes tighter. "Leave me alone. I hit the bottle too hard and I need to sleep it off for a bit."

"Ooh did you see Lucas downstairs? Is that it?" Yuta asked.

I stayed quiet, refusing to answer. 

"Yup," Johnny said. "Definitely saw Lucas. Come here babe. We'll help you get your mind off it."

"Absolutely not." I said, finally sitting up. "You two are the worst trouble makers of them all. I don't need you trying to play games tonight."

"When have we ever played games?!" Yuta took a long drag from the joint he and Johnny had been sharing. 

"Hmm, let's see, leaving me on read, ghosting me, dumping me out of your room after we were done fucking, being complete fuckboys. The list goes on, truly."

"We're not that bad! Besides...you always come back for more, don't you?" Johnny smirked.

My face flared up instantly at his truth filled statement. Little fucker. "Be quiet." I snapped. "That's not the point."

"Yeah, your point should be coming out here and joining us. The breeze is much better up here and it's not as hot as it is in the house."

Yuta was right. The summer weather had been unforgiving especially when a couple dozen people were crammed in a small two story house. The breeze was coming in nicely through the windows and I contemplated actually going out there in hopes that the air would help clear my head.. I sighed and used the bed for leverage to crawl out the window and sit on the roof area. Yuta passed the blunt to Johnny and I laid back against the paneling, staring down at the mess of people on the lawn.

"We've been people watching all night. That dude on the left has been trying to get in this chicks pants for like an hour now. It ain't gonna happen." Johnny laughed.

"Hmm, he doesn't look like he's got game. I wouldn't sleep with him."

"What he's not your type? I thought you liked big dumb idiots?"

"I mean that's why I fucked you, didn't I?" I smirked at Johnny who glared at me.

Yuta snorted and laid back with me, clasping his hands behind his head. "This party blows. Taeyong's cool and all but something needs to happen."

"What would you even want to happen?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Something. Anything. I could get laid or be at home stuffing my face with frozen burritos and passing the fuck out."

"That sounds so titillating."

Johnny snorted. "Heh, tittle."

I rolled my eyes. "Shut up, you giant man child."

"Do you wanna hook up?" Yuta asked suddenly. He was never one for subtlety.

"Uh...like right now? I still kinda feel like crap."

"Fucking will help with that. We could all fuck." Johnny propositioned.

"Like a threesome?" I looked between the two of the as they shrugged, playing it off real cool. I blushed hard not knowing how to respond. It wasn't something I really had experience in but Yuta and Johnny were my two favorite people to fuck. Johnny was commanding and a little rough with a secretive soft side that poked through every once in awhile. Yuta was dirty to the core, bending me every which way and unabashed at anything he suggested we do. Things usually ended up messy with him but I never thought about fucking the two together. Having Johnny's thickness invade every inch of me while Yuta fucked me from behind; being so completely stuffed that my stomach would clench and I could feel so whole and perfectly ruined. I bit my lip and pressed my thighs together as scenes began to flourish in my mind.

"Hello?" Yuta snapped his fingers in front of my face. "Did you hear us?

"Huh? Uh...yeah, the hookup. Threesome. Um, I've never had a threesome before." I admitted shyly.

"I had one once but it wasn't that great. Dude was hogging the chick the whole time. So Yuta if you pull that shit I'm dipping out."

"Trust me dude. I've got my own plans. You can do whatever you want to her pus-"

I slapped my hand over his mouth, keeping him from saying that vile word. "We get it. You want to fuck my ass."

"You do that?" Johnny questioned.

I sighed and laid back down. "Only with Yuta. He gets excited over it and we'll…"

"She literally cums so hard when we do it. Don't let her fool you, she's just as big of a slut as I am."

"Shut up, asshole! I am not. Well...maybe a little but you don't have to point it out."

"Alright, let's cut the crap. Threesome of not? It's been awhile since you've gotten fucked, right? You and Lucas broke up like a month or so ago." Johnny said.

"Yeah, don't remind me…"

"Agree to fuck us and we'll make sure we can help you forget." Yuta said.

I sighed and gave in, too easily for my liking but the images I created where already burned into my mind. "Sure, why the fuck not."

Yuta said no more and dove to capture my neck in slow and methodical kisses, nibbling ever once in awhile. Johnny's large hand was working itself over my stomach as he leaned down to capture me in a kiss. His lips were so fucking amazing that sometimes it made my heart ache to have them against me. They were full, soft, and he knew exactly how to work them so I would get wet in an instant. I parted my lips and let his thick tongue creep into my mouth, sucking on my own and making sure I couldn't breathe. His fingers wiggled beneath the hem of my shirt and pushed it upwards to expose my chest to the cool breeze.

"Whoa, wait. We can't do it out here!" I whispered harshly.

"Shhh, it's just the beginning. We'll finish everything inside; we need the room anyway. For now I just want you legs spread open and to see if we can make you squirt off the rooftop." Yuta said deviously.

"D-dont you fucking dare!" My face was red at the thought but it shook me to my core. I ached for them to prove that they could make my body do such things.

"Take them off, Yuta." Johnny commanded. 

Yuta slipped his hand under my skirt to grab a hold of my panties and yank them down. I fumbled to try and keep them on, embarrassed that someone might see us but they got tossed to Johnny who pocketed them with a teasing smile. My legs were forced open then, the front clasp of my bra worked apart, so every tender area was exposed. Johnny latched his lips around my nipple, sucking deeply as his long middle finger trailed up the length of my slit. "She's already starting to get wet."

"Of course she is. Told you she was dirty." Yuta commented.

"If you two don't stop talking I'm going to-" I gasped softly as I felt Johnny push his finger inside me. It was slow and precise, dragging up and down my walls to work me up even more. He went back to teasing my breast while Yuta licked his fingers and set them over my clit. He circled them over the sensitive spot, pairing it with more bites to my neck that flowed down to my chest. I didn't know where to even put my hands at this point and I was already arching slightly against all their teasing. I felt Johnny hook his ankle over mine and nudge my leg to rest between his strong thighs. The center of his jeans pressed against the junction of my knee and thigh and he rocked against me, creating as much friction as possible. He moaned deeply against my chest and I couldn't help how frenzied it made my brain.

Yuta nudged his free hand between us, grabbing a hold on my wrist and guiding me to touch him. My fingers rubbed against the denim, feeling the way he was starting to bulge beneath the fabric. I closed my eyes then, letting my senses get overridden by their exploring hands and tongues. Johnny licked his way up my neck so his lips could rest by my ear. "I know you like getting stretched out but how many fingers do you think we can fit in there before you cum." He whispered in his slightly deepened voice. I turned away from him, trying to hide how embarrassed his words were making me and ended up catching Yuta's lips instead. Johnny chuckled softly as he watched my lips get occupied but someone else and shoved another finger inside me. With how big his hands were just those couple of digits had my entrance already working to accommodate him. 

Yuta scissored my lower lips open while the tip of his middle finger curled little strokes against my clit, leaving me open for more sensitivity. My hips bucked then and I squirmed, trying to move away for a moment to regain my composure. Pressure was building within the pit of my stomach as I could feel that orgasm creeping closer. As I tried to close my free leg, Yuta trapped it between his thighs, mimicking Johnny so I couldn't hide even if I tried. Anyone could look up and see me half naked and getting fingered to all hell and back. I knew they weren't going to let me go until I came. My breath burned in my lungs as I couldn't seem to catch it but I was just able to pant out a little beg. "P-please, m-more."

Yuta's fingers joined Johnny's then, forcing two more into me. While Johnny kept steady thrusts, Yuta curled his fingers in a beckoning motion, trying to dig the harshest reaction out of me. "Touch yourself." He commanded, adding a small nip to the shell of my ear afterward. I took over the attention to my clit while their fingers explored and bodies grinded against my thighs. My lower half trembled with the threat of release and I clamped my lips shut so I wouldn't draw attention from the other partygoers below. Both my nipples were overtaken by their mouths again just as I felt increased attention to a particularly sensitive spot within me. I grabbed at Yuta's hand to make sure he stayed in place and commanded Johnny to go faster. My own fingers increased speed as I heard my wetness echoing into the night. 

My toes were curling within my shoes, my body dipping against the panelling, and suddenly a rush of absolute bliss washed over me. I shuddered hard, my body practically collapsing in on itself as I slapped at their hands to try and remove the intensity. They didn't let up, becoming greedy for the way my body was creating splashes down the rooftop. I finally grabbed their hands and pushed them away to snap my legs shut and breathe. I muttered out curses while Johnny and Yuta were all smiles and cheers, high fiving each other in victory of my glorious and wet defeat.

"Damn, I didn't think you could actually do it!" Johnny said as excited as a puppy.

"Dude, I told you! That was fucking hot!"

I wanted to ask myself why I put up with their absolutely idiotic tendencies. They were stupid college kids with minds wrapped around partying, getting drunk or high, and getting laid. Nothing remotely appealing about that- then I was harshly reminded why I sought out their company when Johnny's bulge grazed against me again. When I glanced down I could tell that his jeans were trying desperately to keep him contained and he would be growling in my ear at any moment if he didn't get more attention. "We need to get inside." Johnny grunted right on cue. Yuta nodded and crawled up to the open window, tossing himself inside. Johnny and I followed suit and we were a clash of kisses and tongues, pulling off the rest of our clothes until my head was between Johnny's thighs and Yuta had my ass raised.

He shuffled around, rifling through Taeyong's drawers, looking intently for something. I was curious as to what he was doing but still currently occupied by the way Johnny filled my mouth entirely. I swallowed around him and gripped at his base to try and prevent him from thrusting harshly. He was always trying to get me to deep throat him but I couldn't take everything at once. It would usually end in a glaring contest with his hand firmly pushing my hand down until I tapped out. This time he seemed to be a little bit gentle and focused instead on the way my lips looked flowing over his thickness.

Yuta finally came back after a victorious exclamation. He had found whatever he was looking for and finally joined us on the bed. My hole was perfectly presented for him and I felt the familiar chill of lube against me. That must have been what he had been searching for in Taeyong's drawers. I sighed around my mouthful as his fingertip nudged against the barrier, slowly rocking until he poked through. His slender finger was enough to make me whimper and reach back to tap his outer thigh when I needed breaks. He was always good about that and filled our pauses with kisses up my spine or his thumb grazing the entrance of my heat. Eventually he was able to work his knuckle in and get a consistent rhythm going.

I popped off of Johnny when I felt his pre cum splatter across my taste buds, making sure he didn't get too worked up. He fumbled around for his pants that had been discarded on the floor, getting into the pocket of his jeans to pull out a condom. He ripped it open and I helped roll it on, kissing the tip playfully. "Yuta, let her move up to my lap." Johnny demanded.

Yuta scooted us closer so I could straddle Johnny and he could remain behind me to work my ass open. As Johnny slid his cock through my wetness, Yuta started to pry a second finger into me. He added a bit more lube and latched his teeth onto my shoulder, his other hand coming to cup my breast and make small pinches at my nipple. Johnny grabbed onto my hips, lifting me just a bit so I could sink down on his length. I bit down on my lip as soon as I felt that heavy fullness even within my stomach. He let out a moan from deep within his chest, head tossed back against the pillow and lips parted slightly. My bounces were small at first, giving Yuta a pace he could still work with as I desperately needed them both in me at the same time. I wished he could hurry up but patience, time, and dedication were needed for him to fuck me senseless.

The second finger made its way in fully and I felt the slight sting of my muscles trying to accommodate him. I took a few deep breaths, letting him push forward on every exhale. He scissored his fingers little by little, chuckling when he saw me gaped open. My cheeks burned as I knew he loved seeing me spread apart for him. I elbowed him gently, trying to get him to stop as my embarrassment continued. His lips were by my ear whispering the softest of teases. "You look so good like this I couldn't help myself."

"Yeah, we'll save your tired old lines for-" My hand flew to my mouth to cover a harsh gasp that was about to escape. Johnny had bucked his hips particularly hard to gain my attention. His brows were furrowed in irritation and he landed a heavy slap on my ass.

"Less talking, more working." He grunted.

I pouted but rolled my hips, feeling Johnny's cock press against my walls while Yuta curled his fingers deep within me. It was getting easier for him to work me open and the third finger edged in almost seamlessly. With each roll of my hips I was fucking myself back against them, squeezing my eyes shut and trying not to be too loud. I was sure the music would cover me but I didn't need the possibility of Taeyong coming in and see us defiling his bed.

Johnny dug his fingers into my thighs as he increased his pace. Heated skin on skin echoed throughout the room, mixing in with his slightly animalistic grunts and groans. Yuta gently rubbed my ass making my heart race as I knew what was next. "You ready?" He asked with a bit of concern. 

I nodded and turned my head for a kiss, his lips morphing into a smile as soon as we connected. "Dude, slow down a sec." Yuta told Johnny who seemed peeved at the request. He stopped his motions entirely as Yuta bent me over Johnny's torso. I heard the rip of his own condom packet and a few moments later he was lined up against me, thumbs spreading my asscheeks apart. Once his head creeped in past the barrier I buried my face deep into Johnny's neck, whimpering helplessly. 

"You ok?" He asked. I nodded, content that the both of them were showing their soft sides of being concerned for my well-being. It was a breath of fresh air given their usual antics.

"I got her. We've done this before." Yuta reassured the other man. More and more of me was filled, making my legs almost give out from their place over Johnny’s hips. All I could scream was 'oh god' in my head over and over and when Yuta finally was in the three of us groaned at the intense tight feeling surrounding around us.

"Please just fuck me." I said. I didnt want to waste anymore time as I needed my body turned into a pillar of pleasure between them. Yuta was the first to thrust and he grabbed a hold of my arms, pulling them behind me like reins to control his pace. Once Johnny joined in my eyes got lost in the back of my head and I was in a whirlwind of bliss. Each slam of their bodies into me created pressure that sent tingles throughout my entire being. I tried to keep up but it was hard to press into them when my body was getting destroyed. Veins and ridges crept up my walls, dragging through nerves and places I didn't think they could have ever reached. My thighs quaked as weakness set in but my lust wouldn’t be satisfied until I felt the warm heat of their cum inside me.

Johnny gripped my neck gently, nudging his thumb to lift my chin up so our lips could crash together. It was a sloppy mess of tangled breaths and soft groans, our tongues trying to stay melded as he fucked me harder. I clenched around him, bucking slightly when he pushed through the tightness. My second orgasm was approaching way too fast but there was no way to stop it. I pressed my forehead to Johnny, his whisper against my lips now. "Fuck, I wanna come for you."

"Don't say it just do it." I pleaded. 

Suddenly I was yanked back to be pressed against Yuta's chest. "You complained about that other dude hogging chicks and now you’re doing the same thing. Share a little." He chuckled.

"F-fuck you!" Johnny managed to groan out as he started to swell against my tightness.

"Such a cop out, cumming first." Yuta turned my face towards his, getting a taste of my lips again. He was thrusting upwards, getting every inch of him to slam into me relentlessly. He parted from me to replace his tongue with the pads of his index and middle finger. They pressed down on my tongue and I sucked hungrily around them. "You want me to touch you?" He teased. I nodded vigorously. If he added that extra magical sensation to my clit we'd all be a symphony of chaotic messes. He shoved his fingers in deeper, almost touching the back of my throat before teasing the digits back out slowly.

He worked them down between my breasts and towards my stomach until they met my clit and worked steady circles into me. Occasionally, he would tease my entrance, getting his fingertip in besides Johnny's cock and crooking his finger just an inch or so inside me. My eyes squeezed shut as I couldn't help but left let a loud moan run free, practically screaming for him not to stop. Johnny forced through one last sloppy thrust, raising his hips so his cock crashed against the deepest part of me, and spilled all he had within the rubber. I still felt that comforting heat through my lower belly and a smile crossed my lips. God, I needed that again and again. Yuta still was vibrant as ever, continuing to ravish me until my body tensed and flushed with warmth. I clenched my thighs around Johnny’s waist as my next orgasm gushed out, leaving trails across his abs. “F-fuck, s-sorry.” I whispered. He shook his head and sat up, cupping my face to kiss my lips and tired body. I held onto him as I could barely keep up with Yuta though I could feel him ready to lose himself at any moment as well.

“Don’t be sorry. You felt so fucking good.” He purred as he slipped out of me slowly. He gave me a wink as Yuta began his greed tirade of final thrusts, bending me over completely and ramming my ass back against him. Johnny watched us, making sure my head was turned towards him so he could see every expression of pain and pleasure on my face. I curled my fingers around the wrinkled bed sheets whimpering out Yuta’s name. His hips stuttered and his blunt nails dug into my skin as he burst within me, shoving his sheathed released as far down as he could. Johnny laid back and Yuta pulled out, flopping beside me. I could finally give my body the break it deserved as my lustful greed was quelled for now.

“Not gonna lie, I kinda missed that.” Johnny said.

Yuta hummed in agreement which got me thinking. We did all have good chemistry together and it was all for fun and after the hell I went through fun was exactly what I deserved. “Should we do it again? Like hook up? The three of us?” He asked.

“Well we’ve all fucked and then had this threesome so why stop now?”

[ratfuck]

wow. so this is who drove a 19 y/o teenager to contemplating suicide, all with no proper evidence, just for five minutes of fame. How’s it feel? Did you really think deleting the post and ‘I flushed the fish’ out of your bio would make up for it? Get over yourself, you’re more NSFW than he is. You have no way of proving his main demographic are mostly minors. You’ve possibly ruined a TEENAGERS LIFE. You better pray to whatever god you may believe in that boy hasn’t harmed himself.

asfjfkgl he wasnt fuckin contemplating suicide and he's currently active on twitter

I dunno how the narrative is now that I did this all for fame and not because im a CSA victim with experiences of being manipulated by internet predators who exploited me for their sexual gratification and for money and being able to see this behavior miles away and trying to warn people of it, you people are totally unwilling to listen to anyone besides yourselves tho so im not surprised at all

my "evidence" not being enough for you schmucks comes down to you people cherry picking what you like from my, and other people's posts about shit he's done with no general consensus on whats real or not. One minute u people will ignore his MAP friends like Gaud (who he still actively follows!) and his discord mods who openly supported pedos, the next you say that he accidentally followed loli/shota/incest accounts, then you say that actually he did follow these accounts on purpose but actually its OK if he consumes and jerks off to "simulated" cp because "its not real" even though they are depictions of children being sexualized or in the case of that artist that draws kid icarus porn that fish was following, a child having sex with an adult. Which is it? Is he the "non-predatory" MAP or is he the adult minor who isnt responsible enough to have a large social media following of impressionable people?

It's pretty fucking obvious that the majority of his followers are fucking children because no other demographic enjoys or consumes his "uwu ur a smol pupper" shit and constant "YOU. ARE. AWESOMEILOVEYOUILOVEYOU" garbage, also doesnt help that the VAST amount of people openly sending me these asks have their age in their description and most of them being around 13-17 years old, same with these people making posts about how they love and support him no matter what he does!!

And in no possible way did I ruin this idiot's life. I didn't dox him and make this information public to potential employers, I didn't send photos of him to fucking online psychopaths or anybody, and I didn't even expose his real identity or anything. Fish is a fucking persona, a fake, its not his real identity and no fucking person on the planet would ever have the name "Goldie Gurston", you're all buying into this fake personality that makes performative posts that infantilize the people he's supposedly supporting, and whenever he gets called out for dumbass behavior like offending a group of people he isn't part of you all rush like fucking locusts to defend this foax person who doesn't give a shit for you outside of your expression of love and loyalty and monetary support to him. It really says something that, while he was gone, he was making posts on Patreon that only the people who pay him for his worthless "content" could view and not the thousands and thousands of other worried schmucks who were crying because they thought he killed himself

He was never going to kill himself either! The whooole fucking time I've been saying "he'll return around christmas to post more perfomative lovebombing crap, after he thinks the dust has cleared" and thats EXACTLY what happened. He played you schmucks like a fiddle and his "OHHH IM JUST AN INNOCENT FISH WHO WANTS TO SPREAD POSITIVITY :((((" sympathy schtick followed by him leaving for a month was SOLELY done to make you asshats starved for more love bombing and go after anybody who said anything mean about him, this isn't the first time this has happened. He's a manipulative fuck who's addicted to the attention of his bloated social media presense and he has been, for a long fucking while, using his fanbase to cover up shit he's done that doesnt paint him in this pure light or to go after those who dislike him.

Good god you fish stans or whatever you call yourselves are sooooooo fucking mindless and I have to CONSTANTLY repeat myself just to get the point into your thick skulls individually, like oooh big and bold of you to not use anon and act like im some pathetic nobody desperately doing this for attention, like I'm going to take this shit from some worthless cringe ass "multi-fandom" blogger

Why should I even bother typing this all out, though? Its not like any of you people actually read it. You come into my inbox, type out some tired "HOW DO YOU FEEL FOR HURTING THIS 19 YEAR OLD MINOR???" rhetoric, then quickly hit the back button thinking you owned me and that I'll be so overcome with grief that I'll delete, which I still havent done despite you cultists sending me rape threats, purposefully misgendering me or sending me transphobic and homophobic slurs, or straight up writing torture/murder fantasies involving me, that being the reason I deleted my posts. LGBT+ rights am i right!!!!

[vincent-frankenstein]

different anon, but heck yeah u should definitely infodump about lucid dreaming!! im really interested in it

aaaaa okay !!! uh hold onto ur ears yall im abt to talk em off lmao

so !! if u didnt know, lucid dreaming is basically when you become aware that you’re dreaming while youre in a dream. once you’re aware, you can take control of the dream in literally any way u want — u can do anything, go anywhere, meet anyone, all with the knowledge that nothing can hurt u and nothing can stop u

its a fascinating concept and, the feeling when u actually become lucid for the first time? its better than anything else in the world. its the most invigorating thing u can ever feel, i think. but actually becoming lucid is, ,, , , hm. a time and a half. 

putting the rest under a cut bc, hooooo boy this is gonna get long

first things first! you absolutely have to keep a dream journal. forgetting ur dreams is all well and good when ur not trying to accomplish anything in them, but if you become lucid and then wake up with only the vaguest memory of what you actually did? thats painful.

u can either go all out and get a fancy journal and write them down physically each morning, or u can do what i do and just download an app. i personally use the app Dream Catcher, which lets u tag ur dreams for easy organization. just get in the habit of writing down your dreams every morning, and if you really, really cant remember anything, just write down that you didnt dream anything that day. you’ll train your brain to remember your dreams better

secondly! reality checks! are absolutely imperative! the idea behind them is that, if you do something throughout the day that “proves” your reality, eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams as well. for example, a common thing in my dreams is that i’ll have extra fingers, so i check my hands a lot throughout the day. 

it can’t just be a casual thing, too. if all you do is glance at your hands and b like “yo looks normal, we gucci”, then you’ll do the same in your dreams even if you have Weird hands. trust me, Dream-You is an idiot, you gotta be obvious with this stuff. take a few moments, look at your hands, count out your fingers, and really think to yourself “am i dreaming?”

try to get in the habit of doing that at least 15 times a day, and eventually you’ll start doing it in your dreams too. 

now, if you just stick with doing those two things — which is what i’m doing right now — your chances of becoming lucid will raise astronomically. even just those two tiny things can train your brain into realizing when the world around you is real and when it isnt. you can also attempt something really easy called a MILD — a mnemonic-induced-lucid-dream — which can help your chances even more without upping the effort 

whenever you go to bed, just take a few moments — even just five minutes can help — and just. lay there. and think to urself, again and again “the next scene will be a dream” or “i will become lucid in my dreams tonight” or something similar. get ur brain really focused on lucid dreaming right before you fall asleep and chances are, those Vibes will bleed over into ur dreams and you’ll become lucid

practice those three things consistently, every day, and pretty soon you’ll start becoming lucid. it takes time, though! dont be discouraged if you end up not becoming lucid for the first few weeks, or even months. sometimes your brain just needs a bit of extra training

that’s what ive been doing for the past year or so — bc damn do i Not have the energy to actually put in too much effort — but!!! there are other techniques!!

my personal favorite is the WBTB, or wake-back-to-bed method. with this technique, you set your alarm for roughly 5-6 hours after you go to sleep so you’ll wake up inside of one of your REM cycles, specifically one where your dreams will be the most vivid. dont do anything, just roll over and go right back to sleep. 

you can even use a MILD along with this, repeat whatever mantra u usually use as you fall back asleep. you should start to see hypnagogic imagery — blobs of color and vague shapes floating before your eyes. just observe them. at one point, they’ll start forming more familiar shapes, and places, and maybe even people — and there should be a moment, a snap, where you go from observing these images to actually being in the scene. you literally build the dream around yourself, its magical

i have read that WBTB can cause sleep paralysis, but i’ve never personally experienced any problems with it, aside from the fact that im always tired the next day.

another thing that could severely increase your chances of being lucid but also involves Effort — meditation. specifically mindfulness meditation. the act of bringing full awareness to your Existence, honing in on just Your body, Your mind, Your breath, will make you a more aware, mindful person, which in turn makes you more perceptive of dream signs. also, the ability to clear your mind and center yourself with a moment’s notice really comes in handy when the dream becomes destabilized and you have to take control

if ur an adhd lad like me — or neurodivergent in any way, really — the idea of meditation can be,,,, terrifying. honestly, i havent meditated in like six months now, because it really wasnt?? doing anything for me?? mostly because im absolutely incapable of sitting still for that long without Something to stimulate me

so! loophole! guided meditations. having someone else guide you through the process can make it a bit easier to focus. just find one that works for u on youtube. there are even guided meditations made specifically to prime ur brain for lucid dreaming!

so thats how you get lucid. now for when youre lucid

at first, lucid dreaming is going to be extremely hard. dreams fall apart very easily — if you get too overexcited or if a dream-character looks at you the wrong way or if you cant seem to do what you want to do, your lucidity can fade and you’ll either go back to being your normal dream self or you’ll wake up. dreams are volatile and hard to control, and even harder to master

thats where meditation comes in handy. youll have a much easier time controlling your dreams if you can look at the world around you, take a breath, center yourself, and know that you can control it. that being said, you can absolutely learn to take control without ever having meditated a day in your life. its all about your mindset!

you have to go into it with confidence. the key to controlling your dreams is knowing that they’re your dreams. you cant forget that you’re in control. thats why i feel like learning to lucid dream doubles as a lesson in self-confidence — you have to learn to trust yourself, trust that you can handle any scenario thrown at you and come out on top.

if you can achieve this mindset, you can literally do anything. ive had maybe 50 lucid dreams since i started learning about them — which… is honestly a really low amount, but. i havent really had the time/energy to really throw myself into it  as much as i want to. but just in those dreams, ive flown, ive shapeshifted, ive met my sides, ive teleported to vast, gorgeous lands and seen some of the most beautiful things ive ever seen. anything is possible in a lucid dream; thats why its so worth it to put in the effort

but when youre first starting out, itll be extremely hard to maintain that mindset. like i said, Dream-you is dumb as shit — you’ll forget youre dreaming, you’ll be unable to control anything, you’ll wake up before you manage to accomplish anything. more often than not, the dream will destabilize, which is Not Fun

if the dream starts to destabilize — basically, if things start going fuzzy or vague, if you suddenly cant see, if you can feel ur body in bed, basically anything that points towards you waking up — there are ways to fix it. literally just spinning around helps for some reason? spin around, fall down, run ur hands along anything u can find and feel the texture, or just demand that the dream stabilize itself. most of the time, thatll work

and if it doesnt, dont be discouraged. theres always another night to dream

so basically: start a dream journal, do reality checks, mmmmaybe meditate if youre up for it, and your dreams will become like. at least 10x more interesting. trust me, try flying: its literally the best feeling in the entire world

its just !!! such a huge, incredible thing, and its so fascinating to learn about too. all the different ways you can train your brain, all the different things you can do, all the studies done on the subject. i suggest reading about Steven LaBerge or keith hearne. hearne led the study that proved lucid dreaming existed in the first place! he got a lucid dreamer to signal to him that he was conscious while asleep using REM (rapid-eye movement), because lucid dreaming happens during the REM state. also, robert waggoner’s book Gateway to the Inner Self is really fascinating too!

hm wow i really went ham here lmao

thanku for giving me a chance to infodump im very happy rn

[jess-the-vampire]

What did you think of the new episodes? Especially curse of the blood moon.

Anonymous said:I want to say something from the bottom of my heart: Star/Marco is one of the worst, forced and terribly written romance I’ve ever seen. I can get over my disappointment of another “boy and girl can never be just friends!!! it’s impossible!! there MUST always be some hidden feellings!” But how they wrote them “falling in love” and acting like idiots with hurting everyone are so bad I’d rather have Star being with Glossarysk. I don’t feel bad for Marco, his mopping was annoying

Anonymous said:Im only Starco team, what do you think about the episode? Starco is dead? For me there is a little hope after star said what if It wasnt the Blood Moon?

Anonymous said:Hey, lots of people probably already asked you this but what are you thoughts on today’s episodes? If you haven’t watched yet don’t read this : I personally liked kellco (it’s hella cute) and I’m delighted that starco isn’t cannon. But the way they did the whole thing…. it looks like it’s not over yet, I don’t know if I’m being paranoiac or this is really just a set up for a starco finally, but after season 3 I don’t know anymore, can you give us a light with your analyze?

I have very mixed thoughts on COTBM, but that’s not because of what you’re thinking.

I’m mixed because the episode sorta tried to do both: It didn’t want to entirely confirm if star and marco’s feelings were genuine, nor did it fully commit to it being a curse either.

It chose not to pick a side, and i’m curious if it will choose to remain neutral and leave it up to the audience knowing it would be better not to pick a side, or in the end it’s gonna be some weird reveal.

Because it’s possible the show doesn’t actually reveal it and ends starco here as some tragic story, but then again knowing this show it might come back up somehow.

Though tbh, some corny scene of their feelings coming back and “OMG I really DID love you” would be probably the outcome i’d least like this show to take cause that just doesn’t feel like this show, it sounds kinda too silly for them to do.

But yeah, that episode tried to go both ways.

Because the thing is, the curse is indeed real, it’s a real curse. And with the older episodes you can argue it most likely had some affect on their decisions. But then you have Eclipsa at a point talking about it’s good to embrace your feelings, even if they hurt, and Relicor regretting his own choice to remove his feelings.

Though i think in his case they’re implying his wife died, and he removed his memory to stop missing her, and he seems to regret it because he wanted to remember the good times with her while she’s gone.

Again though, the episode doesn’t pick a side, because while you have these two characters who are saying “No” to this choice. There is a VERY real uncomfortable issue that star and marco both lash out at people because of these feelings and both want to persue other people and don’t really WANT to feel like they’re being cursed to like each other that is brought up.

And i can’t entirely argue with their choice, because if they are being cursed to like each other, and it has affects on their relationships and it makes them uncomfortable, then i understand removing it because they clearly have NO idea if these feelings were even real.

And if they weren’t real, from now on, any feelings they DO have, they know for sure are genuine. It might be better for them to not have to deal with this heavy weight that they might be forced to like each other for the rest of their lives.

I’d rather them be with people they know for sure they really like, Tom and Kelly, then feel pressured to date without knowing if it’s them or the curse.

But those are my thoughts on all of that.

Relicor apparently has DEPTH for a screeching tiny weirdo, well, some depth. His relationship with tom is weird, tom seems to be kinda scared of him but Relicor also does seem to care about him in a strange way. He’s definitely a grumpy old man who likes to get his way though.

Tom’s great as per usual, and yeah the episode does prove he was not trying to “Trick” star into anything. But then it also says he was aware of the curse and aware star liked marco for a year because of it and said nothing? So yeah it dismissed all the people who tried to claim tom was trying to trick star or force her, in fact apparently he thought she knew about the curse so i guess tom was more under the impression star was cool with it. Which is weird cause star technically was? but it seems like she didn’t really know the bond went and did anything to THIS extreme, apparently she just thought it was a fun party.

it’s weird but the episode also involves tom feeling bad he kinda got his friends into this situation, and star and marco do forgive him since he wanted to help them and had already learned from his mistakes so whatever. It’s not entirely worth getting into.

Mostly because i’m not sure if this was always the intended outcome of the moon or not, i’m curious if back in season 1 they had other plans and this is a later change of the moon’s focus.

Janna’s just kinda there for this episode, that’s pretty much all i can say about that. She’s just there to be there and provide some humor. But i am glad they didn’t try and force some romance between her and tom or anything since it was not needed, tom seems about as annoyed with her as star and marco are this entire episode xDD

Also they acknowledge tom doesn’t push marco in this memory, and that it might be something entirely new, so that’s kinda suspicious.

They broke the moon jewel? Is that gonna be important later?

The bridge scene was weird, i mean i do like seeing more of the underworld, so that’s great. I just don’t know why we had a whole scene of arguing with these rando demons. Also, tom’s their PRINCE, and even relicor should have some authority here so why are they forcing them out like this. What is it with the underworld forgetting tom is their prince? First LLB and now this? (I’m sorry, i just can’t help but always find that odd)

 Tom in a pile of puppies is my mood.

I think those are most of my thoughts on COTBM, weird episode, not entirely sure about where they’re going with this at all. Though i kinda can’t see this matter being dropped entirely after. I’m not really mad with star and marco’s choices, some of the humor for me was lacking, and i think it’s an episode where it intentionally just didn’t pick a side and i think it’s best to just see where everything goes later on.

Now for the other eps?

Gonna be honest, Out of Business was kinda meh for me, it’s kinda a weird episode and i don’t entirely get what it served or what it was going for either? It doesn’t really have a conflict, star, marco, and janna aren’t almost stuck in this magic room, they don’t fully succumb to it’s desires. They just kinda find out it’s evil and leave and that’s how it ends.

I mean, it DOES subvert expectations doing it, but at the same time there wasn’t much of a conflict?

Also i think the episode forgot it’s own logic because everything in that room was fake, but marco still got wallets out of it somehow. (Also his wallet clearly doesn’t work so i dunno why he wants more of them). 

Kinda meh for me, though maybe it had evil marco foreshadowing?

Kelly’s home is BIZARRE, in a good way though. We get to know more about her kind and it’s nice to see the show travel to new dimensions. It’s kinda cool how much she and marco have in common and connect. They both love karate and fighting and deal with a lot of the same emotional issues.

Kelly’s species btw, is called a Woolette.

Tad is like the Anti-Tom, while tom changed for the right reasons and got back with his ex after giving her space and being respectful of her choices as he worked on himself. Tad tried to do something similar but brags about it to kelly, won’t leave her alone, and kinda sorta tried to make her jealous.

Tbh, the episode was so hilariously bizarre and kinda wholesome and i did actually enjoy it. I do think kelly and marco dating probably needed better build up cause it was kinda weird how it was being built up since it wasn’t clear if they were just friends or more.

This episode confirms it was meant to be the latter cause apparently they BOTH really like each other. So i guess kellco is now officially a thing for however long the show runs with it.

I had fun, it was kinda adorable and i liked seeing kelly’s weird home and how it works.

Also, yep, i called no tomstar break up.

What’s interesting is i’m so unsure of what outcome the show is going for? with these relationships? Cause you know, last season and all that.

Like i said, the longer star and marco are in these relationships, the worse it looks if they date right after dumping them. 

So i’m not sure entirely what they’re trying to do, but well, i can’t say they aren’t keeping me on my toes. They HAVE subverted some expectations alright. Let’s just see where this goes and hope they’re careful with everything cause i still don’t want the show to do something ridiculous and hurt people like kelly and tom for a main pairing.

No more Jackie’s, thanks.

[murcuryretro]

3:09 a.m (est) 7-8-20

So JUST now, I was watching a T.V show called “Toys that made us” which actually inspired me to never stop dreaming. Althought the sales of toys have dramaticllly declined,the passion and creativity behind these toys is what makes them LEGENDARY. There are toys that will be forever KNOWN. Imagine creating something that never dies , making history as well. Amazing, truly inspiring. Now with that being said, decided to write down some of my thoughts before going to bed. Before logging in, the wifi randomly had cut off, cutting off the show I had been watching, and decided it was a sign to get on the laptop instead. I get on it, but to my “surprise” NO WIFI. I then ask my bf whos been sitting on the couch playing with his new switch for a few hours, pretty much since I got home from work Ive seen him sitting there and still is, IF he can please check the router. Anything the requires some brain power , is too much for him!!! I over loooked it for so many years, now its starting to bite me in the ass. He then gets up to check the wires, and ask if I had pay. I said no but its not due yet. Also even if it was overdue they dont CUT everything off until way after. ANYWHO, I use my hotspot so that I can check, and its not due until the 15th, SO AGAIN, i ask him to check the wires, because there were clear instructions on the screen about what might be wrong and it wasnt the WIFI it was the router itself. So we had internet , just wasn’t properly transmitted. So after asking him to check the router, he quickly starts complaining about the mess the last cable guy made, complaining how he cant turn it on and, giving me an attitude and a tone because he just can’t, doing the bare min, literally TOUCHED 1 wire and gave up, saying he feels better if someone else disconnects the wire to check, as he goes back on the couch, THEN complains how we HAVE To call them and give them a piece of our mind since we are paying customers. Funny thing is , when we says “we”, he means ME. He would never actually get on the phone and explain to a company his fustrations. It would be me, while hes most likely sitting on the couch playing video games or REALLY mad sitting on the couch not playing video games, because of the wifi. What bothers me most is the lack of responsiblity he takes on. Also like he wants to avoid all grown men responsiblities, its become the biggest turn-off and been thinking of ways to have real conversation with him without him getting butt hurt because he is very sensitive, also he plays victim and I cant let him do that. He is not a victim at all , in anyway, but the second i confront him about something he is trying to avoid, he plays victim. Im so tired of being the one that has to constantly asses every situation were ever in. Hes the man for goodness sake. In reality he’s a beta and I’m in alpha. which makes this kinda hard. Previous relationship , we were both alphas and as much as we did bump heads, we also agreed on a lot and learned things together as the are new to us. Other times, we both take the lead in situations and it was like working with 2 heads rather than 1. Now it feels like just 1 head with 2 people. And like they always say, 2 heads are BETTER than 1. I just feel so lost, because I’m so use to have a Man that can handle business without me, who uses their OWN judgement, I don’t even want to talk down on him, but as time goes on and were not doing anything for ourselves,I start to feel this hole, void, in my heart, something is missing, something is wrong. Why is he such a good person with a great heart but lacks what makes a person resilent. For years he has lied to everyone about having his license. Why ? Im not sure, not that I lived with him for a over a year, I know why, hes scared of real life responsiblities that he would have to handle himself because no one else will. No health insurance, even tho its free now in days, because thats just another responiblity he does not want or care to have, Even for his own health. UNLESS I push him, which I have brought up so many times, but I can not do it for him.Then his license, I have asked him to get it and he said okay, never did, asked him again, said he will do it, does it and forgets the date, then he says he will make a new date, havent heard anything about. I dont know how much more I need to annoy him about ?! Since I’ve met him  Im the ONLY driver, driving us everywhere. Any place, its me. Since 2016, its 2020. Not sure whats stopping him, He also brags a lot about the money he makes and he saves it, buys some toys for himself, and takes me out on dinner dates. Which I apprecaite so much of course, but I wish he would do more for himself. Hes just so scared of life I believe, I could be wrong, but thats all he seems to prove since Ive met him! Very sensitive and he likes attention. NEVER noticed that until a FEW people brought that up and I do see that very clearly now. Its hard to have a partner who only values what he says and disregard me. I can let him talk and I go along with it, he on the other hand, cant wait for me to stop talking and he never gives any kinda feedback because he wasnt really listening. Im getting pretty tired of it. Im starting to think I may have made the wrong decision. Whenever something is wrong its like I need to be the leader of the problem and fix it myself, and I think he thinks I like the idea of being the head bitch in charge but in reality its exhausting and just one sided. I have never seen him actually take control of a critical situation without my help. I always end up being the one to finalize everything, as if he HAS to go thru me. Which I do appreciate but it just also feels like he does it to hand me down the rest of the solution. Like NO! Once in a while would be nice if he did things that turn out fine, all alone. NEVER happens. I know of everything and mostly fix it myself.Even THINGS, Hes not hands on so things that would need a quick fix, something my dad would fix easily, john would have a total meltdown and give up fast as fuck. I thought having a person this gentel would be good for my soul but I think its the opposite. Since the day that we rekindle our friendship 2 years ago,I started using hard drugs, LITERALLY the day after we hung out at a show we were both at. I havent been okay since dec 2018 and i though dating him would make me feel better and help fix that void in me, so far, nothing.... I can see I’m stringing this relationship along and Im not sure if I should continue.I have very high hopes with living an amazing life with him, I always saw it in him , that WE would be perfect for each other. I think I based a book by its cover and the first two pages and ran with it. Without reading the whole book, and its not turning out so much as what I thought we would be. He quickly became like a grandpa once we started to date, and then telling me he didnt like when i went out, it was just so shocking considering that we , him, I and all my friends would go all the time, he loved he things I loved to do too, so wtf ?! He almost changed into a person I didnt want to date, the second we started to date. So confusing and almost decieved. Almost he faked how chill he was to get closer to me, It wasnt until a year ish later that I realized , I have been seeing only 1 side of him, the side he wanted me to see, and I loved it, and then the real him I didnt Know and frankly Im not sure if I really like. He loves me so fucking much, but I dont feel fulfilled. Something feels very off, I am missing something and I truly dont know what it is. I hope that we can help each other grow whether alone or together, I just want to know what I wanna do with my life and I need more motivation than what Im getting right now. I feel like im slowing my life down and going no where. I dont like it and I dont want this going on any longer.I NEED to find my way!!!! I hope hes there either as my bf or my friend and we work things out. wish me luck in whatever  I choose to do. THNXX  

[drchrismurray]

|| I’m A Mess ||

who: Chris Murray and Dr. Marietta Winslow with mentions of Brittany Pierce, Santana Lopez, Sam Evans, Mercedes Jones and Noah Puckerman 

when: Friday Morning

why: Chris has therapy

“Chris… Chris are you with me?” Chris blinked a few times, his mind completely elsewhere other than in the small room he was seated in. He looked around at the blank walls, painted what he could only assume was supposed to be a calming grey. It looked much like his own office where he met his clients. Comfy seats, walls that made his patients feel safe. And pictures of him and his family that made him relatable so his patients felt that they could talk to him. He knew the tricks were just that. Tricks. Which was why he was having such a hard time in this particular session. “What?” he finally replied. “I asked if you were okay,” Dr. Winslow leaned foward. “We started talking about your family and you sorta blanked out.” Christ adjusted in his seat and shrugged. “What do you want me to say Doc?” The older woman sighed and leaned back. “Chris… this isnt new for you. Not only do you do this for a living but we’ve been meeting each other for nearly two months and you’ve made progress but today it’s like you dont actually want to be here. So why are you here?” “Because I’m paying you $100 an hour,” he quipped, not earning a response from her. He sighed deeply and rubbed his now sweating hands on his pants before clearing his throat. “I’ve just been having a hard time.” “Chris,” she said again. “You were diagnosed with depression, something that millions of people deal with. And on top of that, your life hasnt exactly been a walk in the park. Your mother died when you were a child, and your father shipped you off to live with relatives when you were 16. You became a father at 17, and eventually married a woman who tried to kill your cousin. You have had more than a hard time…I just want to help you. Or we can sit here for the rest of the hour and not talk at all.” He tried to ignore the ripping in his chest and stared out the window. “Today was hard,” he started. “I didnt wanna get out of bed this morning. I felt pretty empty and I know you said these new meds would kick in soon but I feel like I’m drowning…. Last night I couldnt sleep and I just stared at Brittany… I just kept wondering why the hell she was with me.: “Why do you think she’s with you?” Dr. Winslow asked. “Do you want the real answer or what I tell myself?” “Both.” Chris swallowed and looked down at the ground, knowing that honesty was actually the best policy. He wasnt dumb, he knew that if he was going to be able to manage the storm that was his brain, he needed to lay all his shit bare. Even if it made him feel gross. “Most days I tell myself it’s because she loves me. Because she realized that she wanted to be with me. Other days I think it’s just because we have Ari. Because I’m convenient. Because... Puck isnt here.” He hated thinking it. That he was second best and that he didnt deserve to be with Brittany. Most days he was okay. Most days he knew he deserved to be happy. But those days were overshadowed by the days when he felt completely and utterly useless and unwanted. Dr. Winslow nodded. “Have you always felt like that?” “I dont know,” he shrugged. “Maybe? I always wondered what if we hadnt gotten pregnant? What if she’d had an abortion or if we just hadnt dated at all… would we be together right now?” “And?” “And… the answer scares me.” “Why?” “Because I knew that had we not had Ari. Had we not dated at all, I’d still have been with Santana and I would’ve married her…And she’d still be with Puck. He mightve still cheated but it wouldnt’ve been with Steph and maybe just maybe he’d still be alive.” “That’s a lot to put on yourself Chris. How does that make you feel?” “I dont know. I know that I love Brittany. So much. And I dont regret a single bit of our life together. And I want to be with her forever. But had she and Puck not broken up, she wouldnt have given me the time of day.” She nodded. “Does that make you feel insecure? Or unworthy?” Chris shrugged with a small nod.. “Look I know I’m good looking. I know I’m charming. I can turn it on whenever I want but the people who I fall in love with rarely love me back. Shawn was too deep in the closet to admit ever feeling anything for me. And Santana well I cant blame her because she barely loved herself when we dated as kids. And Stephanie was insane and cheated on me repeatedly. What makes me so sure Brittany is different?” “Is this why you have such a hard time thinking of marrying her?” Chris licked his lips and frowned. “Maybe? I wanna give her the world but marriage just sounds like something I never wanna do again. I mean everyone’s marriage has fallen apart. Charice and Dylan are divorced, Sam and Cedes never even made it down the aisle even though they’ve tried a combined number of three times. Why would I be the exception?” Dr. Winslow sighed softly and leaned forward. “Chris… I think when it comes to dating you’ve faced a lot of rejection. With Shawn, he rejected not only his sexuality but you as well. With Santana, she hid a lot of things from you and while I dont believe you were perfect, I think that’s added to your current mindset. With Stephanie, she cheated on you and then hurt someone you care about. I think it’s totally valid that you feel like marriage isnt something you want because you are yet to feel stable in any romantic relationship you’ve been in. But I think right now is a chance for you to try creating your own stability.” “How so?” he questioned. “Chris, have you told Brittany you’ve been meeting with me yet?” He started to shake his head. “Doc, I told you I cant. Look we’ve all been through so much shit the last year, I cant add this on. She’s already having a hard time with Cedes being gone and these new damn friends of hers that frankly suck. If I add depressed boyfriend to that, I dont know what she’ll do.” “Perhaps you arent giving her the chance to react. You’re basically taking her option away because you’re afraid she’ll reject you… maybe this even plays into the fact that you feel like you need to be the shoulder for everyone else. It’s a coping mechanism. You deal with other’s problems because maybe if they see you have a use for them they wont reject you much like your romantic partners and even your own family did as a youth.” Chris winced and clutched his chest due to the honesty in her words. “Ouch… Jesus Doc.” She shrugged a shoulder. “You dont pay me to lie to you,” she said. “Next week, I want to hear that you’ve not only told Brittany but that you’ve given her a chance to prove that you are in a stable, healthy relationship. One that wont end in rejection. Allow her to prove you wrong Chris.” Chris nodded, not wanting to do what she said but knowing that it would be helpful. “What if she proves me right?” he whispered. “Then you two made a beautiful little girl. And being with her taught you a lot. But she isnt the one you’re gonna end up with and that’s okay too. Stability starts in you first. Not in someone else.” Chris sighed loudly and rubbed the back of his head before standing. “Wow Doc, I feel like they need to pay you the big bucks.” “Aw Chris,” she grinned. “They already do. See you next week?” “Next week it is.”

[girlhorse]

im in the mood for an abemiha meta so im going to talk about the language use in oofuri! and by language use i mean the use of the word “like” (suki/好き/スキ)

im putting it under the cut since i gotta include some images. beware of minor manga spoilers! really, really minor though lol

first i’m going to provide an explanation of terms and stuff, and their connotations (info is from jisho.org and wordreference. i am still just a beginner in japanese but i am fairly confident in these explanations!)

a lot of you may know this but japanese has three systems of writing, which is going to be very important for my discussion! these are broken down into hiragana and katakana (referred to together as “kana”, symbols are syllabic) and kanji (written characters that represent a word/phrase) you can express japanese in writing in kana alone, but its way more common to use kanji along with kana in writing. this will be really important to my discussion, as i will be highlighting the distinction between katakana usage and kanji usage of the word “suki” 

suki, written “好き” in kanji and “スキ” in katakana, is defined as: “liking; fondness; love” which can be a little confusing - the distinction between “liking” something and “loving” something isn’t quite available, so that typically necessitates context. but with written language, especially in a language with three entirely different writing systems, i think it is safe to say there are other ways of constructing that distinction.

(i can hear a distant “but gabby what about DAISUKI!!! isn’t that MORE about love?” yes and no! ive addressed this in an earlier post but in general the word “suki” is considered to be more serious and romantic, while “daisuki” is a bit more.. uh.. “extra” and frivolous)

so why would an author choose to use kana (in this particular case katakana) in place of kanji?

the kanji is difficult/obscure (gonna just say that “好” doesnt seem particularly difficult at all - it is taught in grade 4)

the author wants to stress sound of the word/emphasize the word (this is important for my interests lol)

a stylistic choice

(i picked up this info a bit from japanese language forums & from translating stuff so it might not be completely accurate but! i think this sums it up)

now that that is out of the way im going to make my bold ass claim! that in the text of oofuri (or just in mihashi speak), スキ is love, and 好き is like! i will now try to show u how i came to this very very bold conclusion:

the first instance we see of “suki” being used in the manga is when abe tells mihashi he likes him as a pitcher (bottem left bubble is “i like it”) 

which is followed up by this panel:

in sequential panels, we have two different spellings of “suki”. it is made clear from the very first chapter in the manga, that (esp for mihashi) that kana “suki” and kanji “suki” have different, important implications. it seems here that mihashi is bewildered that abe would say anything like “like” to him, and writing suki as スキ only drives this home further, almost as if “like” was in bold or italicized

now this is just the first instance and only proves that katakana can be used as a tool to emphasize something, or that maybe mihashi doesn’t know the kanji for suki, or that this is how “suki” is translated to mihashi speak - but it can also set us up to look out for this distinction in the future. I’ll get to the confession scene last my dudes just hold on a minute lol 

now the “this is the mihashi version of suki” theory could work if not for the fact that we have at least 2 instances of mihashi using 好き:

the first when he says he likes the big carrot chunks in the curry: 

and again when he asks abe if he likes catching (i’ll say more on this in a bit):

so if mihashi didnt just learn 好き (its fair to say he always knew since hes not like illiterate dgfdg) then in this instance, “suki” doesn’t have any particular emphasis -- ie mihashi is saying “like” here

setting aside mihashis fondness for carrots is the question he asks abe which is “you like being a catcher, huh?” to which abe emphatically replies: 

this is followed by mihashis conclusion, where we see the shift back to スキ:

“i see. i like pitching. and abe likes catching”  (mihashi uses スキ elsewhere when he talks about his feelings towards pitching; we can pretty much assume that he loves it. thats like his whole character) mihashi wasnt sure how much abe liked catching, and after hearing abe’s response, shifts 好き to スキ. it is subtle, but it means a lot! abe likes/loves catching as much as mihashi likes/loves pitching! there wasnt really a need for clarification on the reader’s part here - we can get what abe is saying right away, but mihashi must confirm it for himself and re-confirm to the reader that “スキ” has a special meaning in this manga/to mihashi

moving on!!!!!! just to solidify, i want to show a couple more instances where スキ shows up:

here, in the word for crush: (the word crush is lit. “person you like” - interestingly, while “person”(人) is in kanji, “suki” is written in katakana)

ofc this could just be because this is handwritten, and it is easier to read handwritten kana, so perhaps it is this way for clarity (人 has 2 strokes so its not an issue, but 好 has 6 so its just a bit more complicated) BUT higuchi. (unfortunately for amateurs like me who try to translate her work) really is not opposed to handwriting more complicated kanji in her manga. i also haven’t looked hard enough but perhaps there is an instance where 好き is handwritten. dont know though!

and here, unrelated to abe and mihashi, when suzune is telling her boyfriend  ookawa that she loves him (its blue cuz its an omake on the cover thats just how it is)

again, it is handwritten, but also this scene seems to rely on the emphasis provided by the katakana

and now. drumroll. im finally focking ready to talk about the confessoin scene! i have talked about how it can be read as a “confession” in this post, but i think it is definitely worth bringing up again bc it is my focking point!

maybe u already guessed (or read my other post) but when abe and mihashi tell each other they like each other it is with スキ:

am i trying to imply theyre in love already? yes and no! i think that スキ here is meant to draw our eyes to the word so we remember it well, or maybe give us a hint of what’s to come in the story (like a real confession scene between them) the two of them are very naive and dont know each other well in the beginning, but it is clear higuchi wants us to pay attention to this word and ask ourselves why it might be written in this way, and how this writing can kind of make the meaning of “suki” ambiguous 

(as an aside id like to note how in the panels above, the phrase “i like you” is isolated from the rest of the sentence. as u probably know abe’s full phrase is “not just as a pitcher, i like you as a person, too!” bc of the way japanese grammar works, though, abe’s “i like you” clause out of context can work as its own sentence; and higuchi chose to give it its own bubble. mihashis “i like you” is even isolated from his “me too!” which i think is interesting. mihashis flashback later in the manga to abe’s “i like you” is segmented in exactly the same way)

also in this scene is where mihashi says he loves being a pitcher w/ スキ:

so if we add the layer that this scene is from mihashis perspective he may very well be meaning “love” in this scene, and may have even interpreted abe’s words in that way (again at the beginning we already see mihashi interpreting abe’s 好き as スキ, so perhaps he is doing it again - though it is left unclear on purpose)

make of this what you will - i could be just picking up on unimportant things. after all, “suki” absolutely isn’t the only word that is emphasized/ kana in the manga, so perhaps this is just a coincidence. but i think it is pretty significant that it is fairly consistent of a distinction in the manga, for such a loaded word, and i honestly suspect this isn’t going to be the last we see of it.

[abitofafatass]

11-12-14 Grif and Simmons (honouraryfirstofficerslog)

Honouraryfirstofficerslog asked: It runs in the family

Send “It runs in the family” and my muse will tell you something they and a family member have in common.

Dancing abilities, definitely. You’re looking at some graceful motherfuckers.

-

“Right…” He snorts out a laugh, quirking an eyebrow in disbelief. “I’m going to have to call bullshit there. We’ve been stationed out here for a while now, and I’ve yet to see you display anything remotely close to grace.”

-

Grif flipped him off, “Hey you know what? Fuck you. I’m a fantastic dancer. Its just been years since I last gave a shit. It takes skill to dance around on the sand.”

“I don’t know, Grif… Don’t you have to practice to be fantastic at anything? As it stands now, you’re just a has-been.”

-

“Hey now. I could prove it to you! I mean, I would, but you look like you’d be a wallflower with two left feet.”

-

“Choosing not to dance doesn’t make you a wallflower!” He blurts, folding his arms over his chest and giving Grif a pointed, defensive glare. “It just means you have other interests.”

-

“Riiiight,” Grif just snorted, “Welp, I guess you’ll never know how great of a dancer I am. Such a shame, Simmons. One big wasted opportunity…”

-

“You’re not—-You know what? Fuck it.” He shrugs, half heartedly throwing his hands up. “I’m calling your bluff. Show me what a ‘fantastic’ dancer you are.”

-

Grif offered a hand, half bowing, “Prepare to have your fucking mind blown, Simmons.” He said that, but Western dancing wasnt exactly his forte, and he’d never tried doing it with another man.

-

Holy shit, maybe Grif wasn’t bluffing after all. He hesitantly returns the half-bow before reaching out, taking a step forward as he takes Grif’s hand. “So, how’s this going to work? Do we flip for lead?”

-

“Fuck if I know.” Thank god for his mostly dark complexion. It hid the fact that he was blushing fairly well. He’d expected Simmons to back out at the last moment. “Do you like, know how to waltz, or what?” Simmons was a little taller the Grif, so his hand settled onto Simmons’ lower back. This was getting weird.

-

“No…When would I have learned to waltz?” He tenses a little as Grif’s hand settles across his back, and pauses a moment before cautiously placing his hand on Grif’s shoulder. Damnit, he shouldn’t have called his bluff, or backed out where he had the chance because now, it’s too late to back out without looking like a tool—-even if this is getting pretty weird, and it probably shows too. Stupid fucking pallid complexion. “Why? Do you?”

-

“Its been fucking ages.” He now really had to prove himself dammit! Waltzes were easy, just one-two-three, one-two-three… That should come back pretty soon. “Like, I learned it in school, so fuck if I actually paid attention to it. Just follow my lead I guess.” They were just standing there, so it seemed like Grif had to take the first step. “For the record, when I said I was good at dancing, I meant Hula Kahiko.”

-

“So why the fuck would you initiate a waltz?” He frowns slightly, looking down at their feet as Grif takes the first step.  Okay, should he be stepping back here? That seems like the right thing to do. He’s going to try that.

-

“Because why the fuck would I start chanting and dancing here and now?” he asked, falling into what was approximately a waltz step.“Besides, I figured you would know how to dance this.” Another person could easily fit between them (in the back of his mind, Grif could hear some old instructor telling him to leave enough room for Jesus) and the distance was getting awkward.

-

“What? I told you I didn’t dance! Why would you interpret that as, ‘Sure, I know how to waltz’?” He keeps intently watching their feet as he follows the waltz as well as he can. Basically, it looks as though he’s just meant to step where directed. Is that it? Or is there a pattern here? Maybe if he can figure out the pattern, it’ll—-wait no! Damnit, he missed a step. Damn everything!

-

Grif just shook his head, and tried to make sure that they didnt stumble too badly. ”… This is easier with music… Fucking, I dont know Simmons. This is like Junior high dancing that everyone learns. Then again, you probably ran screaming in the other direction when you were forced to be around girls.“

-

“You had to take dance in junior high?” He winces a little, also doing the best he can to keep them from stumbling, but apparently, it’s not doing all that much good. “That’s different… We didn’t even have co-ed gym—-goddamn it!” He mutters darkly, clenching his jaw as he misses yet another step. “How would this be easier with music? This is all just three counts; it should be straightforward.”

-

“You’d be able to find the beat then.” After about a minute of trying to dance, Grif finally gave up, and ended up just swaying with Simmons. “I guess you dont need to learn. Not unless Donut gets his way and throws a fancy dress ball or something.” It almost slipped past him that they’d also given up trying to keep up a bit of distance between them. Almost. There was still enough room that someone could squeeze by if they were an especially rude fuck.

-

Well, Jesus has been known to throw the odd tantrum… so maybe he wouldn’t think twice about squeezing through. They may well still be making room for Jesus. “I’m pretty sure Project Fancy Dress Ball was vetoed a while ago.” He unwinds a little as Grif finally gives up on the waltz in favour of swaying. Swaying works. He can handle that at least. “But yeah… Not sure you’ve really proved anything here, Grif. Now might be a good time to admit defeat.”

-

He shrugged, a smile on his face, “I dunno if I would say defeat. I got you to dance with me, didn’t I?” That was quite an accomplishment, and Grif was going to save this memory forever. “But fine don’t believe me. If we ever get out of this joke army, come to Hawaii, and I’ll show you what I can do for real. This just inst the time or place for me to show off my awesome moves.”

-

He half-smiles, snorting out a quiet laugh. “And all that proved was that you’re only slightly more graceful than I am.” Seriously… that waltz was not an accomplishment, you shiftless underachiever. “Unless you’re in Hawaii and conditions are perfect, and you know what? I’m going to take you up on that. If we make it out of here alive, I’ll be calling your bluff. Again. So yeah… Well done, Grif. You’ve just invited another white-bread tourist to Hawaii.”

-

“Well… At least you wont be one of the annoying ones.” Grif shrugged. “Besides, you’ll be visiting me. That makes you more of a guest then a tourist. Like shit I’m going to take you to any of the big tourist traps.” Well, maybe some. Especially if Simmons embarrassed him by wearing one of those loud Hawaiian shirts.

-

Oh dear God, no. He’ll be caught in a loud Hawaiian shirt when Hell freezes over. “Okay, that’s a good point… But isn’t a guest just a tourist with connections? How much difference does that really make?” Wait a minute, why are they still dancing? They could have stopped this right after they gave up on the waltz. Is this weird? It’s probably weird, and maybe he should pull away… but what if that just draws attention how weird this definitely is. “Anyway..” He tenses a little, clearing his throat. “If we ever get out of here, and if you lose your mind and decide you want to see Shelby, Michigan… You’ve got an in.”

-

“Michigan?” Grif shook his head, “I suppose if I ever got the urge to see how a nerd lives… But I’ve heard its fucking cold over there. Like, my step-dad took us to the mainland once so that we could go ice skating and shit, and no thanks. Fuck that.” Simmons was starting to tense up, and Grif was worried that he’d pull away. He didnt want the moment to be ruined like that. They were starting to slow in their swaying, so maybe when they quit it wouldnt be the end of the world.

-

“Don’t talk shit about Michigan! Only people from Michigan are allowed to do that.” Yeah, it feels as though they’re slowing down. He’s going to slowly, and somewhat reluctantly, pull away, giving Grif a stiff, hesitant bow as he does. “But fuck you. The offer’s still open. And it’s only really cold between November and March.”

-

Grif didnt bother bowing, he was too busy laughing. "Guess when I’m never visiting then? If I want snow, I’ll just go to the top of Mauna Kea in the winter. So, like, I guess I could come over before then, and then drag you back for the winter. Cold’s got to be a bitch for your metal bits.” Come to think of it, the sand would also suck. And the wet. Being a cyborg just sounded like it sucked when he really thought about it.

[ts-akhmim]

Episode 9 | “Autumn's World”- Jakey

ok i really wasnt going to make a post tribal confessional because my last one was so long but like i have to get this off my chest... can i just say the irony is NOT lost on me that im the one who got the power to visit the pre jurors and plead my case on who i think they should vote for and......they voted for ME???? at least that's what my common sense is telling me because almost no one said anything to me during my trip there so... i doubt they voted amir because im pretty sure liam did? like..... this game is REALLY starting to make me extremely self conscious like wtf i literally havent even met half of these people and the majority of them voted for me without even knowing me.... has my whole life been a lie? am i not actually the bomb dot com?? like i dont think im this amazing person or anything and obviously i know not everyone is gonna like me but WHAT is it about me that's clearly so polarizing with people and NOT in a good way... first people in the game i didnt know wanted to vote me out now people i dont know want me out too do i have a sticker on my forehead that says hate on me? like trust and believe i hate myself enough i dont need yalls negativity too ! maybe im just too ahead of the times for certain people.. at this point i dont care, im a tough cookie and i guess im a little mean and judgemental so this is just my karma but whatever, pity party over, i guess you know you that bitch when you cause all this conversation zzzzzz

okay so i filmed two video confessionals while walking the dog but i think i just flipped the captain vote?! i truly do think i just flipped the captain vote while walking the dog which is so exciting. i knew voting jordan was stupid to scorn him for no reason, so i decided tj would be better, spoke to who i needed to speak to, and now its happening hehe [the two videos i filmed should explain why i did what i did]. this is the first time this game i felt like montenegro ali is not gone completely - i set a goal for myself and i made it happen. now no matter what this season i can be proud that i made something happen hehe. tj's target is gonna inflate like a balloon now hehe. the way i did it was i spoke to autumn first, who i knew also had the connections with the beauties who would need to be flipped, then talked about my reservations with jake/devon/augusto. i knew autumn would push tj, and i just got to sit back and here them all say tj to me?! i feel so proud that i made that happen tm, now we have a scapegoat set up. i think update so: Ideal Bootlist: Kendall > TJ > Jordan/Augusto > Jordan/Augusto > Duncan > Amir > F5: Me/Autumn/Jake/Devon/Adam Ranking as a Juror: autumn > jake > amir > duncan > jordan > augusto > devon > adam > tj > kendall

okay so... i think as a consequence of the trust rankings, i think i'm now set up very well to be shielded by both my closest allies, jake for his idol play and autumn for the perception of her as someone who runs the tribe. ideally next two votes are maybe kendall then tj? idek

im gonna say something, that i NEVER say and im gonna OWN IT. . . .. .... IM A DUMB BITCH. ok i say that a lot but THISSS time i really mean it, ive been playing this game so short sighted and completely narrowly, focused on getting these old beautys out for almost voting me out in the beginning, and today i find out, that little old ME is the one who's actually been the president of the clown academy smh obviously, i do still think i was semi valid in not trusting any of those 3 at first, but today, amir approached me finally to clear the air, because like i said before, the reason ive had no interest in working with like him or augusto was because i knew what they were plotting against me, HOWEVER .... i guess i lacked some common sense that shouldve told me well look at it from their perspective, it's just very hard for me to trust when i was lied to so, i know for a fact someone went to amir and probably told him i wanted him out last round instead of liam, and i also learn that the REAL CLOWN OF ALL THE LANDS IS DUNCAN. I had a call with jordan today, and he basically spilled the beans that duncan wants my head on a silver platter?? first of all, duncan, you're a fool. I was completely on your side and actually trusted you, so thanks for nothing! I would not be surprised if he was trying to go to amir to plan to vote me out I also talked to autumn on call today and she confirmed that to me as well, and it made me feel a lot better because i think duncan thinks that IM overconfident in the game which is NOT THE CASE...have yall seen my confessionals??? is it or is it not tea that all i do is sit and guess multiple scenarios for my paranoia...granted i KNOW im a diva and i have fits and my moments, but i genuinely try not to get comfortable, so the fact that HE thinks he can get comfty and get me out, boy you got another thing coming because i may not know what the HELL im doing 85% of the time but i think that's one of my best traits, im a wildcard and elusive and adaptability is what i try to go for more so than being that person in charge, because clearly anytime i think im in charge, thats NEVER the case... and congratulations because now there's an angry adam on the loose and duncan is now my biggest target out of no where. Funny how so much can change in less than a day huh? at this point i literally trust no one i feel like im at the liar convention of the century, i want to say i trust autumn, jordan, and kinda ali the most but idk anymore. I feel like Jakey is 100% in with duncan to get me out too but idk i dont have any proof, just a conspiracy because they both messaged me at the exact same time after ignoring me for hours so it made me think they had a call together of some sort and talked about me I'm kinda upset with myself because every time i play i do this stupid thing where i refuse to look at the bigger picture, and im glad there's still enough game left i can kinda start to snap out of it and see where it takes me from here, even though ive played twice and done decent placement wise both times i feel like i have a lot to prove as far as people just thinking im an idiot and will never catch on to things, and i definitely think duncan thinks im an idiot now but you know what, ill let him think that because the fact that people are letting me in on things, shows me i must be doing at least something right ....although it could get tricky, because i really do love autumn and me and her both agreed jordan is a huge threat down the road, but jordan is also on my side right now so i need to treat carefully with that i also need to get to WORK on connecting and mending my relationships with amir/augusto, at this point all i can do is try and be honest with them about whats been going on and hopefully they dont rule me out, BUT ... in my slight defense i never wouldve been so against them if they just owned up to it and not lied to me over and over again in the beginning xoxo but i do hereby take away all the SHIT ive talked since like..... day 7 dajfks ok last thing i want to touch on is im STILL confused why no one trusts me in this immunity challenge i got second to last after KENDALL..... like all shade at myself yall are giving me WAY too much credit... they all still think im stacked with idols and advtantages and even though i MAY have cracked the pyramid im not good at solving shit so FUCK 2048 FOR GETTING MY WAY OF GETTING THIS IDOL 

just called with amir for ages and he was 100% misting me but i'm at peace with it he is super sweet.

Adam, welcome to your tape. im not even sure where to begin .... ive never YELLED at a gay in my life like this... that gay being ME.... so here i am, having a breakdown going boo hoo hoo for me thinking people must just HATE me for whatever unknown reason, only for me to find out I UNKNOWINGLY GAVE EVERYONE A REASON DHAJKFDHAJKD rewind back to survivor auction....obviously i knew with an anonymous auction people were ALL gonna start lying about what they really got and what not ... however, im sure none of them were STUPID ENOUGH TO TELL A BLATANTLY OBVIOUSLY FALSE FABRICATION LIKE ME I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT ... SO I JUST WANTED PEOPLE TO THINK I WAS AT LEAST TRYING FOR IMMUNITY SO I TOLD EVERYONE I BID ON THE IMMUNITY NECKLACES THEN WHEN I DIDNT GET THEM I WENT FOR THE ADVANTAGE, MEANWHILE NOT USING COMMON SENSE AND REALIZING IF I BID ON THE NECKLACES....I WOULDNT BE ABLE TO BID ON THE CHALLENGE ADVANTAGE i literally pulled a cirie trying to play officer sarah's own steal a vote against her but no not really because cirie is a LEGEND and im just a DUMB DUMB. AT LEAST CIRIE CAN SAY SHE WAS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY EXHAUSTED WHICH IS WHY SHE MESSED UP BUT WHAT CAN I SAY?? ive never made such an idiotic mistake so obvious before.... i was probably high so ill blame the weed for some of it but mostly just me being dumb. ive been sitting around DRAGGING people for lying to me and now here i am lying right to everyone BUT IN MY DEFENSE.....it really is such a MINUSCULE lie but considering i devoted my entire first part of my game to being against people for telling me the tiniest of lies, i must look like SUCH a hyprocrite but one thing about me is at least ill own it, however, im now one of the biggest and easiest targets in the game because of what ive done so it's time to come up with something real quick (but not another lie NO MORE....) i completely deserved #9 in that challenge but dhfakj its time to completely change my game because now no one is gonna want to work with me and it's my own fault, im a dead fish being asked to come back to life, im gonna have to find a way to play this off or even just come clean and hope it doesnt completely screw me.... but wait..... i just got 9th on all these people's lists and completely lied to everyone and.....somehow they decided to let me have immunity??? what the HELL is going on? i mean logically speaking if im the biggest target here now why not keep me around because im so stupid, at first i was just trying to ACT dumb but that i actually am just dumb, it makes it a lot easier that's for sure! so yeah .... gonna lay low for a bit and not dig myself in more holes

tj and jordan really. really. think they can vote autumn out to scoop me up? like do i look like a sheep, do i look like a clown? because i do not have wool nor do i have a clown wig on. im so done with jordan he can pretend and preach till the cows come home that we are working together and that threats need to stick together.... but actions 100% speak louder than words, and his actions are nothing but shady so

yall: confess! me, who's already made 10 confessionals per round and the 1 person yall weren't talking to: ok sure ! anyway im still an idiot just a tiny update, ive decided to come clean about that damn auction even though everyone already knew oop, lying clearly wasnt working for me even tho i got immunity so maybe it did work in some sick and twisted way??? I really just tried to play it up by telling everyone that i only did it because i have trust issues and didnt know who i could really trust until after the vote, which is kinda true, but obviously my lie was just stupid nonetheless like GOD i literally couldve been in a better spot by being honest all along, but its like.....i willingly stopped in the middle of the race to put a hurdle in front of myself.... but anywho, as long as i have immunity this round, it gives me time to do damage control and see if i can salvage any of my game dafshkj I also talked with amir and augusto finally both on calls separately, to bury the unnecessary hatchet ive been holding onto, amir really did make me feel better about everything between us because he actually apologized because he was able to admit that everything that happened....was literally their own fault ctfu, like had they just been honest with me, we wouldve moved on, but i NO longer hold any ill will towards them about it from a game point, i liked being able to talk with augusto again too because i really did genuinely feel like he was someone i really wanted to play with, and i just dont want to be against the only other 3 brown gays in the game like me and autumn had such a long and great talk about the RACIAL bias in survivor YEAH i said it. I think we should have that conversation. As far as the vote goes it's actually kinda crazy to me....autumn was just talking to me earlier about wanting jordan out because he is definitely a threat, and she's somehow single handedly gotten everyone on board to do it which is scary but im just like....in awe of watching her play like i truly believe talking with her is the reason i won immunity, and i truly think if i didnt have this immunity i would be the one leaving because of my damn big mouth and my own antics. but jordan's kinda been on my side giving me select tea, however i know for a fact he's been holding out on me, but voting him out is still absolutely gonna suck for me tbh, im gonna feel like a bad person, but if there's anything ive learned the last 24 hours of this game is that whatever, this is truly just a game and i need to stop being so overtly sensitive to everything and play smart from here on out. I cant beat jordan in the end. He also just has more loyalties to other people than me so, the plan right now might be to vote him out and he might think it's autumn so he doesnt do anything crazy? i mean part of me WANTS to let him in on the tea just so he can cause chaos but it would get back to me....and im not sure him staying would benefit me enough to piss everyone off, so for ONCE watch while i sit back and shut up

I should have done this yesterday, but I guess I'll spill now. So yesterday was easily the worst day of this game so far for me. I was taking the LSAT, which I thought would give me some amount of a break from being talked about, but it turns out that everyone is going to vote me to be Captain. That part doesn't bother me AS much. What bothers me more is that Duncan and Autumn, who pent so much time genuinely connecting with, apparently turned on us to work with the Beauties over the alliance me and Jordan had with them. I understand that Autumn and Ali are close, yes, but I really thought the connection I had made with those two would allow them to at least stand up for me when people threw my name out there for Captain and have Adam voted as Captain WHEN HE WANTED TO BE IT! And then I choose to save the Bottoms. I wanted to do this not out of revenge, but in order to have a potential in with the Beauty trio of Augusto/Amir/Kendall (on top of if I save the Tops, there is no way I win immunity). So I go with my gut, and then Jakey tells me there was a chat made with the Tops about how to get Adam/Amir/Augusto or some duo of those three safe in spite of my choice. So Autumn of all people, who we went to the same fucking university, decides to vote me out of spite. That just sucks so much to know because I genuinely thought I was going to work with her and Duncan. I truly thought there was something there. And now I feel I have to start back from square one. The day has come where I think I want to work with the Beauty trio; three people I've never been on the same tribe as, but at least they understand the situation I'm in since they have a similar one. Now we can hopefully prevent this stupid Brawn vs. Beauty grudge match that the Brains had created. No more. The Ginger is done being Mr. Nice Guy. I won't sit around any more and let people take advantage of my kindness. I want to win this fucking game, and I intend to do exactly that.

This is likely the most 'dangerous' round I have been apart of. Jordan/Duncan/Autumn/TJ have been involved in an alliance for quite some time. At 8:58pm EST (2 mins before the deadline), I jumped on and asked who I should eliminate. Instead of anyone telling me publicly who to eliminate, it was Duncan of all people who privately messaged me and said to eliminate his buddy Jordan. Since then, I have had the opportunity to talk to a lot of people. I exposed the alliance to those I knew could play a role in breaking it up. For now, the plan seems to be Jordan. However, almost everyone knows about it, and idols/advantages could come into play at any point. Duncan should be safe for now, but his time is coming. I just need to be able to time everything. 

Kendall, if you see this I just want you to know that I love you so so so so so much! I know these people for whatever reason don’t give you the time of day but it’s because of that that they don’t see just how amazing you are! Your crown is slipping ma’am, but don’t let it because you’re a queen and I love you tons <3

If I had to sum up this round, I would say that overconfidence is a weakness in this game. Just look at the MESS that has transpired this round. 1) Autumn pushed for Jordan a LOT as she was in a power position 2) It ended up falling on TJ due to Duncan initially voting that way and Autumn telling others to do that 3) TJ decided to save the bottoms instead of his alliance members for some reason 4) Duncan thought he could do the most and veto my immunity to “save” Jordan only to get Devon to do it instead so his hands are clean 5) Autumn and Duncan tried to control the entire round 6) Jordan thought he could pull a fast one on Autumn by approaching people to blindside her despite not building connections with a lot of players… BASICALLY, people need to humble themselves a bit. I understand that in these games, everyone thinks they are the smartest person here but like… these people tried to have their cake, ate it too, and then threw it up and caused a mess. It’s just… wow (‘:

While I would love to blindside Autumn soon, I’ve wanted Jordan Pines out since I got to the merge because he is a dangerous player. Going into the round, I didn’t see it as a possibility given that I alongside Autumn and Amir were the only people to feel like Jordan should leave. But now? He’s Public Enemy #1 and I’m all for it. Getting Jordan out helps me a lot because now I can possibly have TJ on my side, Autumn trusts me now more than ever, Jakey and I are getting closer, Duncan did all this craziness only to have the person he tried to save leave so he’s a target, and yeah… it just is in my best interest to do so so that’s what I plan on doing.

Ngl, I played victim this round because everything that has happened to me has been because of me being scapegoated in one way or another. Granted, I did tell Kendall and Amir to place me low on their lists but I’m sure I was #8 because of the Beauty trio. In a way, I’m using that to my advantage. Even Duncan deciding to veto my immunity and not Jordan’s has been something I’ve capitalized on a lot this round and I think that decision by Duncan is what turned the tides against him ultimately. Strangely, this round has been super amazing for me? yay?

The amount of TEA I have been given this round is insane. I know Amir has an idol, Devon has a double vote, Adam has a challenge advantage & he got to talk to the prejury, the existence of the TJ/Jordan/Duncan/Autumn alliance, I was the first Beauty Jordan approached to get Autumn out, Autumn told me that if she leaves she wants Amir or I to win, I was pulled into an alliance with Autumn/Devon/Amir/myself, Adam and I agreed Amir is dangerous so Adam wants me here more than Amir, and Jakey told me about the Tops group chat when it was made and told me everything that happened there (same with Autumn). I’ve been a tea collector this round and I’m not mad at all. While I love Amir, I do fear that our games are a little too intertwined and that if I sit next to him at the end, I’ll lose badly… but I think people also seem him as a major target so in a way he’s a shield? I need to find a way to separate myself gameplay-wise. I do think I’ve done a lot for our partnership (it was my connection to Devon and my connection to Autumn that got us in these good positions) so yeah we’ll see… I just want to win yknow ;-; love Amir sooooooo much tho

im gonna write a longer one in a bit but the summary rn is jordan pines can legit go peace out and send his white male rage somewhere else im not about to listen to him get mad at me when he wanted to blindside me this round like... get that energy somewhere else im not the one

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH THEY WERE GONNA MAKE ADAM CAPTAIN AND WE PUSHED FOR IT TO A BRAWN AND NOW BRAWN IS MAD AT BRAIN IM GOING TO TRY AND FINESSE IMMUNITY OUT OF THIS

okay okay so basically, ewkjfnekwfnew i spent all morning not wanting them to vote adam as a captain, and then for my list, i basically got multiple people to rig my position, aka devon jakey and augusto to put me mid low, and tried to make ppl put brain + ali at the top. now the lists are exposed, adam wants to work with me again, and ppl are scared of brawn + ali. I am trying to make that i can win immunity this round, and then i can shut my mouth and these people can fuck each other up so PLEASAAAAAAASEEEE LET ME WIN IMMUNITY

So here we go let me spill some tea about these people, so last round, I had devon come to me and tell me that Adam said my name, Liam was the vote for me, and many people were entertaining it and were purposely leaving me on read. Like for the entire first round, Adam liam tj jordan and Ali all didn’t make a single effort to talk any game with me. This round comes around, and it’s a damn trust list when I’m currently in the most notorious beauty threesome of all time, and Ik it’s not gonna go well cuz everyone wants us out cuz me kendall and Augusto are so prettty and they r jealous But early on in the morning, autumn wants to call, and we do, and she’s like let’s make Jordan the captain vote, which makes sense cuz that’s what jakey and Augusto told me the night prior, so like all good I agree to make the captain Jordan. Basically, being the captain in this, SUCKS, cuz u won’t win immunity and u piss off 4 people, so miss autumn, hangs up on me to call other people and suddenly tj, who mind you is doing his LSAT exam, comes back to autumn and Duncan making him the vote for the captain. They fucked him OVER LMAO, and then the trust list comes out, and allllll the beauties and jordan on the bottom, and alllll the brains at the top with Ali and jakey . So suddenly, tj has a change of heart and he messaged me about how wants to get to know the beauties better, and he cuts the tops and the bottoms live. But like, Duncan autumn tj and Jordan literallt had an alliance and the they fucked him over so like Dkndkdndkd Anyway, the immunity challenge is happening, jakey and Devon help me win immunity discretely, And now I’m IMMUNEEEEE I suddenly love this crackhead competition , and with the list order, everyone can tell the brains are playing ALL SIDES. So adam and I finally decide to talk cuz we’re both at the bottom, and I’m like okay sis are we good, and he’s like I heard some shit and I was just really honest about early hathor and I think him and I are okay rn?? So like that’s good for me, So me and adam are safe, and all hell breaks loose, cuz Jordan apparently was super convinced with his safety but autumn and Duncan cut them out of the competition. Duncan was so shady about it, he actually asked devon to do it, and he decided to do Augusto, so like Duncan’s way of being loyal to Jordan is to tell someone else to do it so he’s being extremely messy. He’s not telling me about his alliance STILL, playing dumb with me, So autumn calls me and she IS POPPINGGGGG OFFFFFFF and dragging the 2 white boys from brawn to FILTH, and organizes this entire plan for them to think it’s between tj and Duncan, but we tell them autumn, and then we all vote Jordan. Jakey tried to make it duncan but I refuse, because Duncan is necessary to be against Ali and Duncan’s whole ass game is blown up now. No one trusts him, so I want him here. and jakey was like fine hehe and honestly okay I love jakey so much, like I plan on being loyal for as long as he’s loyal to me but I feel like he’d cut me in a couple rounds. Rn we are tight tho and we tell each other everything. Augusto and Kendall AND I MIGHT MAKE IT ANOTHER ROUND LMFAOOO DKDJDKNDD, And the MESSIEST PART OF TODAY IS HOW AUTUMN GOT US FROM POINT A TO POINT B. Like she literally woke up, fucked over tj, then cut the brawn out of the comp, and then felt betrayed by them, for her fucking them over, and has now taken control of the game. Like I’m just gonna say, she betrayed her alliance with brawn and she’s starting to work with me and Augusto and for that I fuckin love her. She’s also super cool I’ll do a merge cast analysis next round Anyway yeah good night love y’all xoxoxox

okay so today jordan calls me and hes like heyyyyyy sisterrrr lets all vote autumn and i say ok ok lets do it, but in my head im like nonononoonon, cuz jordan has spent 5 days talking about getting my out, and he literally doesnt even have the votes so i cant consider this cuz jakey isnt down at all, he simply doesnt have the numbers, so the plan is me tj jakey augusto kendall jordan vote autumn but we all rat on jordan, so everyone is suppose to split on jordan and tj but someone ratted to them and now no one is paying attention to me as much LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOO ps, jordan pines, i really really do like u and enjoy talking to u and i would love to get to know u after the game <3 , im still gonna slit your throat tho, sorry for that

okay so tonight jordan pines is going to jury. drew in my host chat said "i hate when my faves fight" and let it be known. im not going to fight jordan, im going to send him to jury so he can complain there. his rage and aggression im not in the mood to deal with. its crazy how jordan brought the tribe together and his reign of terror tribe calls are not working. you cant come at people with rage, when your whole strategy has revolved around treating people like your pawns. like you treated this like chess but the one in checkmate is you. cut to me being voted out but im sick of jordan and his attitude, this is a game in a serious time in the world. its coronavirus quarantine and portraying everyone as literal satan is fucked up and i have zero time for it so. he can take his bad energy to being the world's most bitter juror. i really liked jordan, but this was a really toxic ugly side that came out tonight and i hate it

this lil challenge yall came up with it? I'm not with it https://drive.google.com/open?id=1K3cO8KqOtvKoz6bPPlZ1IoTgrBWY5-7-

if yall dont come get Jordan Pines so I don't beat his ass because I wish he would pipe up to me. He got all the kids scared but not me. Bitch this vote is solid and you wouldn't be doing the most if you could save yourself so bloop. Ali ain't flipping, Devon ain't flipping, Jakey ain't flipping, and the POC's ain't flipping so you can have TJ and the little vote steal cause that's all you got. Wait til Duncan walks in and find out Jordan is trying to put the vote on him he'll really vote his ass out Fuck an idol- if it gets played it gets played but it's not like he's getting to the end so if I walk into jury, so be it. Maybe I'll actually get to finish Cagayan since every time I get hooked in an episode, some fuckery goes down in Akhmim. ALSO WHO THE FUCK SNITCHED???? WE HAD TWO AND A HALF HOURS TO GO YOU SNAKE. I bet it was Duncan or Kendall cause they're the only ones messy enough to still be up Jordan's ass after aaaaaallll of this. Devon really thought about flipping because Jordan promised him he'd reveal the rat if Devon voted with him. Girl really?? https://giphy.com/gifs/oxygenmedia-bad-girls-club-bgc-bgc10-10hUQ2QszsZ75S I'm so sick of these white boys I don't know what to do. Get back in line!!! You don't want the smoke and you know it!!! That's why Jordan's dumbass is trying to switch targets cause it's rock. solid. over here. And it's gonna stay that way too! We can kill Duncan on Thursday but tonight?? We ARE doing Jordan Pines, no I'm not taking any questions at this time. Fuck you mean "I'm tempted?" Bitch I'll end you right here right now. Tribal is minutes away so for fuck's sake stick to the damn plan. And when he goes, we got some things to discuss

today was such a hot mess, first someone leaks the plan to vote jordan out, to jordan, first of all how DARE them because THEY BEAT ME TO IT......ok i dont know if i actually wouldve but i was considering spilling the beans which is why im surprised someone else did, as soon as this happens gorl MY messages were blowing up me and autumn messaged each other at the same time like BITCH DO YOU SEE THIS HASFDKJ but anywho it was actually sad, jordan gave me good tea in the game, so i did try and create a new plan to vote duncan out, because at first jordan wanted to do autumn but i said i didnt want to do that now, maybe eventually, but not now. She helped me win the immunity so i think she genuinely wants to work with me at least for now, but im no dummy i know she's a huge threat, and im well aware that's a move that ill eventually most likely need to make even though she is easily my favorite person to talk to next to augusto/devon/amir/jakey just on like personal levels, but.... ask jakey, im loyal as long as youre not a threat to me, but the minute you become a threat, their aint no team in i ... or whatever the saying is, but yeah i said no to autumn NOW, and i said if you want me to vote with you, help me get the votes to get DUNCAN since i know he's playing everyone and targetting me directly... it almost worked, but jordan making some of the other people feel some type of way hurt him and my chances of pulling this off because in the end i couldnt risk making that move without some of those people on board because i wouldnt want to sever my loyalties to them let alone blindside them (just yet at least), and that would have also forced me on a side with tj and kendall whom i just havent completely clicked with in the game nothing against them tho, but we'll see if im next out then i deserve it for not making a move i just hope i have time to make my move still i think im doing maybe decent at trying to recover from the stupidest move of the game thus far being my POORLY thought out lie, me always quoting sandra "ill lie, but ill make up a GOOD lie.." in my head 24/7 really did not come through on that one... but anywho, devon has told me some piping hot tea, that he has the extra vote, ali has since he told me he has the nullifier, even kendall has made amends with me and ive never had a true problem with anyone personally but kendall was against me strategically and i think on call we at least cleaned the slate for now? ill probably still vote her out next round but at least i wont feel as bad but duncan....oh duncan, sweet duncan, while i adore you as a person, i dont adore you lying right to my face when i straight up asked if you wanted me out originally, when both jordan AND autumn have told me what you been up to sis.... ask my fellow beautys i can hold a grudge so dont poke the bear! and not only that but i will start plotting getting you out and that's 100% the move i want to make next if i have any say in it. Because i think everyone sees now that he's trying to play everyone and recover from his own foolish move of getting exposed from his alliance... so now that i cant believe a word you say, you can no longer believe a word i say! We can keep chatting it up and acting like bestie boos and i do genuinely like him, but from a game point his usefulness has run up. but who knows, im just the local town fool to these people, which is fine because at least i can acknowledge i am but ill probably just be voted out next fajdsk especially if my theory about duncan/jakey being in kahoots is true but guess we'll see

Okayyyyy soooo I have been socializing! It's pretty hit or miss! Ali and I talked briefly in the morning he showed me his doggo, she was absolutely precious. 10 out of 10 lost beauty tribe member will sacrifice my game for her. I talked it out with Jakey, while I don't trust him as far as I can throw him, I feel better about our relationship. Like I said I have better things to do then hate someone because of a game and I feel better knowing that he doesn't hate me on a personal level and vice versa. My call with Duncan was very informative. Turns out Scott and Duncan were the duo rather than Autumn and Duncan and the entire Devon situation wasn't as convolutedly stupid as I had initially thought. Devon I'm so sorry I called you stupid many times in these confessionals I meant it affectionally but I guess you really aren't lol. I am so sorry you are not stupid maybe game botty but you aren't dumb!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He also agreed to work with us, I don't know if that means he's going to vote out a Brawn this round but he will probably keep me around if only for a spare vote. I tried messaging Liam to see if we can call... he hasn't message me back. It's been day... goddamnit Liam... Adam has been talking smack about me, Augusto, and Amir. Which fair enough I guess, we did try to kill him early in the game. But between us and the NuHathor, you'd think we'd be the better option to work with? Idk, Duncan said he'd talk to him but I don't hold out too much hope. I like talking to TJ quite a bit, he reminds me of Jimmy from Malaysia. He's pretty quick witted and a fun conversationalist. God I miss Jimmy :(. If worst comes to worse I really hope my fantastic personality will help me get out of this shit hole.