#to ask that next time i not have to hurt myself trying to get spices out of the disaster you yourself made of the spice rack

[bitegore]

everyone in my household owes my friends and my ex girlfriend so fucking much.

[kakushino]

hello can i get a giyuu x reader angst , like where giyuu had an argument with the reader , but it turns out the reader is pregnant? you can add any other plot twist cus i love plot twists thank you !<3

Almost

Tomioka Giyuu x Fem! Reader

He had lost a lot of people in his life by his own making. He refused to lose you too.

Tags: pregnancy, arguments, blood mention, abortion mention (no actual abortion), hurt/comfort Word count: 2k

Masterlist

AN: Hope you enjoy it! I actually had a WIP of an argument + making up before, so I got to revisit it and add the pregnancy spice you asked for hehe~ Huge thanks to my dearest beta reader @glitchtricks94 for helping me clear it up (o゜▽゜)o☆ another huge thanks to @starrierknight for brainstorming with me

Giyuu’s injuries weren’t worse than normal, but that didn’t stop you from fretting over him – especially when he had a gash on his cheek, the same cheek you kissed a week ago when he was leaving for his mission. It made your chest feel tight to see his pretty face marred by demons. Your grandmother was surely rolling in her grave that such a classical beauty was hurt, the thought spurred you on to care for him.

No detail went unnoticed under your eye. He seemed tired, as usual, and a little stressed, as usual too - just a regular morning after slaying demons.

You sat him down at a western style dining table with a medical kit and supplies to clean the cuts with next to you. Your hands shook slightly when the damp cloth wiped away grime and blood, your lips pressed together when a fresh drop of blood oozed from the wound.

“You need to be more careful,” you murmured as you worked, the statement automatic, thoughtless.

Giyuu’s whole body stiffened. “Or what?”

You froze in place, your hand dipping the cloth in warm water. This was a new tone of his – a new way words could cut you if he wanted you to hurt: it was rough, serrated, mean. “What?”

He rolled his shoulders back a little, rearing for a fight. “You heard me the first time.”

You clenched your hand, leaving the rag in the water, and turned to fully face him. “Why are you so defensive? I meant no harm,” you replied, trying to calm the storm before it fully set in.

He stood abruptly, nearly knocking the chair he had sat in over. The look he shot you sent your heart galloping in your chest, from fear or indignation, you didn’t know. “You’ve done enough. Leave me be.”

Did he like you like this? Was the hurt in your eyes enough? That was – did he like the way it glinted, the way it caught the light? Hours upon hours spent on making your suffering pretty, and perhaps now it would pay off. He could cut you down into something pretty if he wanted to, and maybe you would let him.

Before he could walk away, before he could twist the rusty blade, you rose from your seat, “I have done nothing to warrant this tone with me, Tomioka Giyuu. Now tell me-“

"Stop bothering me," he cut you off, heading towards the door.

A violent whirlpool of emotion threatened to drown you, and for once, you let go. “You- you oaf! I can’t stand you being like this! What’s wrong?”

“Nothing is wrong. Everything is perfect,” he snapped, voice like a viper and words just as stinging. “Or at least it would be if I didn’t have you nagging me every time. I’ve been through this enough to know what to do with myself. Unlike you who sits here all pretty and safe and fat, ready to wrap a bandage and call it a day.”

You flinched, for the first time in your husband’s presence, tears springing from your eyes, which you rapidly blinked away. What have I ever done to deserve this? You had waited on your hands and knees for this man every time he’d come home battered and bruised and broken and put him back together, without complaining, with love. This was what you got in return for your devotion? Pretty and useless. That’s what he basically called you.

Your throat tightened. You hardly had the energy to respond so you turned away and just… left. You couldn’t continue listening to Giyuu when he sounded so much like… like Shinazugawa. Whatever was bothering him best be left alone to cool off before you could talk about it.

You nodded to yourself as you packed an overnight bag. Some time apart would be good for you both. You knew he wouldn’t be sent out on a mission for a few days again, since he just returned from a longer stint, so you would come back tomorrow and try to resolve it then.

It was time for a check-up with a midwife anyway.

He had really said all that.

And you left.

Your eyes filled with tears, and you left, as you should. He had treated you like garbage.

There was no going back, no taking back his idiocy, no swallowing back his words.

‘Let's stop fighting’ was at the tip of his tongue. ‘Come here and let me hug you’ nearly spilled from his lips. ‘I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry’ choked him up as you walked away.

He knew you were right. You did nothing wrong.

He felt nothing.

He was worth nothing.

Giyuu picked up the shards of his heart up and finished cleaning up his wounds. A short bath later, he walked into the kitchen to find food already made for him, now long gone cold. It just reminded him how much he butchered his relationship by what – stress and tiredness? A demon taunting him right before its death? If so little shook him up, did he even deserve to be with you?

A sharp pain pierced his heart at the thought of leaving you. His selfishness truly knew no bounds, hurting you and putting you in danger for being a Hashira’s partner yet wanting you to remain by his side.

After eating his portion, he made tea and waited to see if you would join him. There was no movement in the house at all; were you in your shared bedroom, laying in bed as you were used to when upset? He would give you time to cool off, give himself time to breathe, and then he would approach you with a clearer head. He needed to apologize.

One hour. Two hours.

Had he angered you so much that you wouldn’t come out? Your spats had never lasted this long.

The tea had long grown cold, but Giyuu couldn’t bring himself to make more. There were no sounds coming from the house.

Were you even here?

The thought jolted him from his seat, quickly walking to your shared bedroom.

“Love?”

Nothing.

“I’m coming in.”

He somehow expected it, though he’d hoped against it. You weren’t there.

Already turning to check all other rooms, he called out your name. His pace was brisk, his throat starting to clog up with a familiar emotion. Claws of anxiety sunk into his stomach, his heart beat like a drum, his lungs struggled to take in air. You weren’t there.

Where were you?

He ran through the whole estate and back two times but came up with no clue as to where you were. Panic mounted, crawling up his spine like a spider he couldn’t shake away.

Giyuu slammed the gate of his home open, very nearly running into his elderly neighbour.

She was hardly phased, though confused by his frazzled visage. “Tomioka-san? What’s got you in such a hurry, young boy?”

“Have you seen my wife?!” he’d never been as rude as he was now, but you were gone so what was he supposed to do?

“Your wife? Oh, that’s right, I saw her. If I recall, she was on her visit… hmm, who was she going to visit?” his neighbour mused. Giyuu waited with all the patience Urokodaki beat into him, that was – quite impatiently. “Oh right! A midwife! I was very surprised when-“

He stopped listening, or rather, he stopped hearing anything going on around him. A midwife? A midwife was a profession with a very specific set of skills for a very specific group of people… Did that mean-?

“Isotani-san,” Giyuu interrupted, breathless, eyes wide with surprise. “Are you saying my wife is pregnant?”

She squinted at him, “You didn’t know?”

It felt as if lightning came from clear skies and struck him. Every nerve itched with some kind of energy telling him to move.

He later vaguely remembered asking his neighbour for the direction you left in, but at the time, he saw nothing, and felt everything all at once.

Were you going to… terminate it? Were you going to tell the midwife, and would she terminate it? Was the midwife going to terminate it and help you move on? Would you move on without him?

Thoughts racing, heart galloping, Giyuu felt feverish. He stumbled back, deaf to his neighbour’s concerned questions as he turned the way you had left just hours ago. One foot in front of the other, a step by step, getting faster with each meter he passed until he was running nearly as fast as Uzui, desperation spurring him on.

Kanzaburo flew overhead, and when he cleared the village bounds, he called out to get the crow to lead him to you.

Time was of the essence. He may have botched his life, but he was too selfish to let go of you. He wanted, no- needed to get you back. You were his love, his soul, his home. He wouldn’t be able to go on if you left.

He felt crazed, desperate, as he ran.

Giyuu would have been faster had he not have to follow Kanzaburo but he wouldn’t be able to find you alone. He felt as if he was racing against the time. Any minute now, you would be in a the midwife’s home, waiting for the release from his clutches; any second now, you would sever the only tactile link you had to him – your baby.

His baby.

He swore, his mind supplementing him with your argument. It had been all his fault, he’d just lashed out because of nothing, like a toddler throwing a tantrum. How childish he’d been – and he was supposed to be a father? No, he wanted to be a father. He’d fix himself and he’d support you and he’d even carry you your whole pregnancy, so you didn’t have to walk. He’d learn to cook more than the basics to feed you and your baby.

Please, let me be in time.

Then he saw you.

The whole world seemingly froze, grey and empty save for you.

You were a pearl amongst rocks, still as beautiful as the first day he saw you, as beautiful as you were on your wedding day.

Giyuu didn’t stop, even as you turned to him in surprise when he called your name. He didn’t stop until he had you in a soul-crushing hug, tight and near bruising – one he immediately eased up on, since he didn’t want to hurt you.

“Calm down, Giyuu! What’s going on?”

“D-don’t-“ he stumbled over his words, still frantic and breathing heavily, “don’t get rid of it!”

You were confused, “Get rid of what?”

His hands were heavy clutching onto your clothes, his frame nearly hanging onto you. “Our – our child,” he gasped out. “Isotani-san told me you were- she told me you were pregnant.” His words came out in a rush, eyes wide as he stared at you, his pupils darted all over your face for a sign of – of anything, be it forgiveness, anger, sadness, anything.

Looking at him in such a state, near quivering in his spot, you felt powerful. Giyuu was at your mercy for once. You could topple him as easily as a sandcastle, crush him under your boot and grind down to juice him of all that made him who he was. It made you realize you held just as much power over him as he did over you. Oddly, you felt reassured - of his love, of your love, of the relationship. 

Heart hammering in your chest, cheeks filling with warmth, the adoration you carried in your heart spilled over and pooled in your stomach. You hungered for more of this power, positively starved to sink your teeth into him and drain him.

But that could wait.

“I am indeed pregnant,” you confirmed, your hands resting on his arms, thumbs stroking soothing lines over his muscles. You paused, letting the seconds painfully stretch out, “I’m not terminating the pregnancy.”

His whole being sagged with relief. Giyuu fell to his knees in slow motion, his hands sliding down your yukata to rest over your hips, now clutching the fabric there with a weak grip. “Thank gods…” he rasped out, his breathing stuttered as if holding back sobs. “Please, love, let’s not- I apologize – I apologize for everything. I shouldn’t have lashed out. I was wrong…”

His impossibly blue eyes met yours, the surface glistening with unshed tears, his guilt bitter but his plea tasting sweet on your tongue. Saliva gathered in your mouth, wanting more.

Did that make you a bad person?

“You dismissed my concern,” you stated, fighting back any expression wanting to take over your face. “You said I nag you. You called me useless.” And pretty, your mind supplied. He’d also called you fat, so there was that. “I didn’t deserve that.”

Giyuu’s lips were downturned, “You didn’t. I was an oaf.” His admission did nothing to soothe the ache he’d given you. “I’m willing to take whatever punishment you deem worthy of my misdeeds.” He let go of your yukata, smoothing over the wrinkles he made. He didn’t know what to do with himself, trying not to fidget as you rolled his actions and words in your mind.

“There will be no punishment,” you told him. If possible, he became even more tense, the need for absolution great. Perhaps no punishment would be a punishment of itself. “But don’t think you’re entirely forgiven. I accept your apology; you however have to make up for it your own way.” You studied his earnest expression, brows slightly furrowed as he started thinking about ways to win you back. It shouldn’t be too hard. He did it once, he could do it again.

Giyuu slowly stood up, taking your hands in his. “I won’t disappoint you, love,” he said resolutely, kissing your fingertips softly. He adored you, with his whole heart, mind and body.

Everything would work out – just like the ice always melts and clouds disperse, a typhoon passes and the sea calms.

“If you pull this act again, I’m leaving.” You glared at him for a second to get your point across. Giyuu nodded and pulled you in for a sweet kiss.

He almost lost you and he wouldn’t make the same mistake again.

Thanks for reading! Reblog or comment if you liked it :3

Networks: @enchantedforest-network @themovingcastlez

[redrose10]

Since I’ve been really stressed and anxious and it’s Halloween today I distracted myself by writing this. It’s a continuation of 1800s witch Yoongi from this post. I hope everyone likes it!

Witch Yoongi x Female Reader

Warnings: Swearing, hints of smut, jealous possessive Yoongi

Word Count: 2,703

For the last year you had been living with your boyfriend Yoongi, the two hundred year old witch that you accidentally freed from the Twilight. You experienced lots of ups and downs over the course of your relationship just like any couple would except when mad your boyfriend wouldn’t just storm off but instead would vanish into thin air. You also had a dedicated cabinet in your kitchen full of things you thought only existed in fairytales like eye of newt and a lock of werewolf fur.

For the most part Yoongi was great though. He was kind and thoughtful and made you laugh even if he wasn’t trying.

You always had a warm towel waiting for you after your shower. The dryer was one of his favorite modern appliances according to him.

You woke up to a fresh cup of coffee every morning, usually pumpkin spice flavored. Some mornings he tried to cook you breakfast but the microwave still made him nervous. He said it was unnatural and dangerous and he didn’t trust it.

He carried your purse when it was too heavy and he would rub your feet after a long day.

And the sex…the sex was amazingly incredible. You weren’t sure if it was a witch thing or just a Yoongi thing but he left you speechless Every. Single. Time.

While you knew he wasn’t a man of many words it did hurt a little that after a year together he still hadn’t said he loved you.

You said it. The first time was after dating for five months. It was very cliché and right after an amazing night of sex. Yoongi just nodded and quickly ran off to the shower without saying a word.

The next time was in the morning as you were heading out the door. It just slipped from your mouth. Yoongi smiled and said thank you but that was it.

The third time you said it was on a date night. You were walking along the river holding hands after having a romantic dinner. The moment just felt right. Yoongi however pretended he didn’t hear you and instead pointed at some ducks that were chasing each other around. His cheeks turned a faint shade of pink so you knew he heard you and chose to ignore it.

You didn’t say it any more after that night. And ever since it had gnawed at you little by little.

Maybe he didn’t really want to be with you after all and he just didn’t have anywhere else to go. Maybe he felt like he owed you since you freed him. Maybe he was using you for sex until someone better came along. All these thoughts and feelings started wearing you down. The two of you started arguing more. You tried to distance yourself a little. But no matter what happened you still got out of the shower and had a warm towel every time and you always woke up to a fresh cup of coffee in the morning.

You hadn’t heard from Yoongi all day. Jimin recently got him a job at the campus bookstore. You were glad he could get out of the house a little more and it gave him something to do. You also appreciated him being able to contribute financially.

You decided to stop into the store and say hi.

“Hey Jimin”, you smiled as you walked up to the counter. He looked visibly uncomfortable after seeing you but you chose to ignore it.

“Where’s Yoongi?”, you asked instead.

“Ooohhh he’s around. Is there anything I can help you with?”

He was acting strange. You wanted to question him but really you just wanted to see Yoongi. You could smell his cologne. The comforting familiar cinnamon and vanilla scent was in the air so you knew he was near by. Then you heard a woman’s voice, it was very sultry and confident and also followed by your boyfriends distinct laugh.

Yoongi was standing by some bookshelves talking to a woman. She was gorgeous with thick long black hair down to her hips and eyes so blue they looked inhuman. Yoongi was smiling from ear to ear.

“Who is that?”, you asked to yourself but also intentionally loud enough for Jimin to hear.

Jimin nervously chuckled, “She’s no one. Just a customer.”

“Really? Because it definitely looks like Yoongi knows her pretty well.”

“Yeah well you know Yoongi is a great salesman…Hey Y/N have you read this book? It’s really good. I highly recommend.”

“Jimin, that’s the dictionary... Tell me who she is?”

“Her name is Bellamy. She’s just a person that we’ve known for a while. Not important.”, he said still trying to change the subject, “Look at this cookbook. I bet they have a great chocolate cake recipe but I have a better one. It’s the touch of arsenic. It really gives it that something special.”

“So she’s a witch?”, you questioned.

“Yeah you could say that or she might be like the most powerful witch of all time but who’s keeping track. Like I said she’s not important.”, he coughed afterwards.

“You’re lying to me. Your voice is doing that thing.”

“What thing?”

“That thing where it gets all high pitched when you’re lying. I won’t be mad. Tell me who she is exactly and why is Yoongi touching her arm right now.”

Jimin ran a hand through his freshly dyed hair, “She is umm…She might be…She is kind of Yoongi’s ex who… he…was… goingtomarrybutthenshelefthimatthealter.”

“I’m sorry what?”, you chuckled.

“Oh for fucks sake.”, he huffed, “She is Yoongi’s ex fiancé. They were going to get married but then she walked out on him and then he got sent to the Twilight and now they’re both here.”

“She’s beautiful. He looks like he’s really happy to see her.”, you said feeling a bunch of different emotions.

“Well yeah I mean he said she was the only woman he could ever love.”

You turned to glare at Jimin. He knew about all of your confessions going unanswered. His eyes widened at the realization of what he said.

“Oh would you look at the time.”, he sighed looking at his nonexistent watch, “It is time for my break.”

“You’re not even wearing a watch?”, you questioned.

“Don’t have to. It’s a witch thing.”, he winked before quickly scurrying away.

In that time Yoongi noticed you and excitedly walked over.

“Hi babe, when did you get here?”, he asked trying to give you a kiss which you dodged much to his disappointment.

“Who was that?”, you asked pointing at the woman exiting the store.

“She’s just an old friend. Her name is Bellamy.”

“Mmmhm.”, your annoyance was building especially at how nonchalant he was being about the whole thing.

“Actually I was thinking…we should all go out to dinner tonight. Jimin and his wife, you and me, and Bellamy. We could all catch up. She wanted to go over some witch coven things. I told her I’d only go if you came along too.”

No you didn’t want to go to dinner with your boyfriend and his first and apparently only love. In your mind he was already leaving you. Why wouldn’t he? She was a beautiful powerful witch and you were an average nobody. He was going to pack his stuff and run away with her and leave you alone and longing for him. You couldn’t blame him though. If she was the one he loved, the only woman he ever told that he loved then he should be with her.

“Y/N what do you think?”, he questioned pulling you out of your daydream.

You decided you would let him go if he really wanted to but not without a taste of his own medicine first. That’s just how you were.

“Umm yeah that’s fine. I was actually going to have dinner with an old friend tonight though. Do you think it would be okay if I invited them too or I could just pass and the four of you could go instead?”, you questioned.

“Yeah I guess.”, he stated confused and a little hurt that there was someone else you’d rather spend time with.

“Great.”, you deadpanned.

“Okay well I have to get back to work. I’ll see you at home.”, he said. He gave you a kiss which you wanted to ignore but you gave in and allowed his lips to meet yours.

You and Yoongi arrived at the restaurant where Jimin and his wife were already waiting. Much to your annoyance Bellamy was already there too. She greeted you but you could tell it was forced and that only made you more irritated. Of course Yoongi took the seat next to her with you on his other side. He immediately started conversing with her while you sat in silence. Jimin and his wife were across the table trying to keep to themselves as they could sense the tension in the room.

“Y/N, sorry I’m a bit late. Parking was horrible.”, a man said before taking the seat next to you.

“No worries at all, we just got here too.”, you widely smiled.

Kim Seokjin was often deemed the most handsome man on campus. Women and men would throw themselves at him while begging for a chance and he just so happened to owe you after you covered for him when he got caught hooking up with one of your professors.

And what better way to collect your dues than to have him come out to dinner and be your extremely attractive and flirty classmate/friend/former fling.

Jimin, having worked on campus for so long and being no stranger to gossip, knew what you were up to. He shook his head knowing this wasn’t going to end well.

“Yoongi this is Jin and Jin this is Yoongi.”, you introduced them before also getting around to everyone else.

Yoongi eyed him up and down but returned to his conversation with Bellamy. So you turned on your flirting to a whole new level. Your giggles were extra loud. You touched Jins arm and shoulder multiple times. You used your napkin to wipe away at some sauce that had gotten on his cheek.

You did all this and got no reaction from Yoongi. Nothing other than his hand on your knee underneath the table where no one could even see it.

You wanted to cry because he really truly wasn’t in love with you. He didn’t even care that you were practically all over Jin right in front of him.

You had been thinking it for months now but seeing the way he looked at Bellamy, how he hung onto each word she said. You could see the difference in how he felt towards her compared to you.

So you spent the rest of the dinner in silence other than a few words here or there if directly spoken to. When the meals were over and it was time to leave you gave Jin a hug while secretly thanking him for going along with everything even though you didn’t get the outcome you wanted. You also said your goodbyes to Jimin and his wife and Bellamy who seemed hesitant to let Yoongi go.

The drive home was silent. Yoongi’s hand was still on your knee while you were stuck in your thoughts.

You took a long hot shower once back at your place. The recent stress was really taking a toll on your muscles. When you were ready to exit the shower you pulled back the curtain getting startled by Yoongi. He was standing there folding your towel. He handed it to you with a smile, “Sorry I’m a little behind. That smoke alarm thingy kept beeping again. I couldn’t get it to stop so I just used a spell to cast it away.”

Normally you would be annoyed and would take the time to explain to him that he can’t just make things disappear when they annoyed or scared him, R.I.P. to your poor toaster, but your towel was soft and warm from being fresh out of the dryer and the nice gesture made you cry. You were really going to miss him.

“Hey hey what’s wrong? I’ll buy a new smoke alarm. I’m sorry.”, he said wide eyed and shocked by your tears.

You shook your head unable to really put your thoughts into words so instead he wrapped the warm towel around you and lead you into the bedroom. He handed you a large tshirt to change into before pulling you to sit down next to him on the bed.

Once you were calmed down he grabbed your hand and held onto it, “Y/N please talk to me. What’s going with you lately?”

You sniffled, “Do you love me Yoongi?”

You surprised yourself with your boldness.

“What? Why are you asking me that?”

“See! You can’t even answer with a simple yes.”, you scoffed.

Yoongi licked his lips, “Is this about Bellamy?”

“No!…or yes…maybe a little.”, you whispered.

“Y/N talk to me. I can read your mind if I really want to but I’d rather you tell me what’s bothering you.”

“It’s just…wait you can read minds?!”

He nodded, “Yeah I can Miss Always Thinking About How Good My Butt Looks.”

You could feel your cheeks heat up making him laugh.

“Now please talk to me.”, he calmly said.

“We’ve been together for a year and you’ve never said you loved me. I thought I didn’t care but over time it started bothering me. Then I saw the way you looked at her and Jimin said she was the only woman you could ever love and I guess I just got jealous and even more hurt because I was afraid to loose you.”

“So you invited Jin to dinner tonight to make me jealous?”

“Yeah but it didn’t matter. You didn’t even notice. You were probably hoping he’d take me off your hands and make it easier for you to leave.”

He loudly snorted, “I definitely noticed. I spent the entire dinner trying to remember the spell for turning someone into a wart covered toad. It took everything in me not to turn him into dust the second he said you looked sexy in that dress.”

“What? He never said anything like that.”, you questioned but Yoongi just pointed to his head and you knew he must’ve read Jin’s mind.

“Y/N I’m sorry that I made you feel that way. Bellamy, she’s….she’s an important part of my past but that’s it. She’s my past. We needed to talk about some things but none of it affected you do I didn’t bring it up. Plus, she had her chance with me and blew it. Besides…I kind of already like someone else.”, he smiled seeing the way your eyes lit up.

“You like me?”, you asked.

“Nope”, he teased before kissing your hand, “Y/N I love you. I’m sorry I never said it. I was scared that if I said it out loud then it would make it all too real and there’d be a bigger possibility of loosing everything. I tried to show you in other ways but I guess it wasn’t enough.”

You squeezed his hand feeling bad that you had been so focused on hearing him say it that you didn’t notice every little thing he did to show you that he loved you instead.

“I’m not great with words but I promise I’ll try to tell you more often how much I love you.”

You smiled as his lips tickled your neck.

He pushed you back down onto the bed.

“I love you Y/N” *kiss on on the lips*

“I love you Y/N” *kiss on the neck*

“I love you Y/N” *kiss on your chest*

“I love you Y/N and I’m going to make you forget that Kim Seokjin exists because you’re mine and only mine and don’t you ever think about touching another man like that again.” *kisses started moving lower and lower down your body until your hands were tangled in his long hair.

You were busy giggling as he removed your shirt before quickly going back to peppering your body with more kisses in between declarations of I love you’s. You didn’t think you would ever get tired of hearing those three little words fall from his heavenly magical lips.

[nicomundthered]

Blood Runs Cold

Injured Trilogy- part one | part two | part three

pairing: Joel Miller x fem!reader

summary: you save Ellie, but not yourself.

tags/warnings: hurt/comfort, this one is angsty, blood and descriptions of injury, I'm not a doctor, also don't know a thing about nature apparently, established relationship, happy family, drowning, fear of water, way more spice than intended it just happened- though nowhere near explicit.

word count: 10k | ao3

a/n: had to edit this twice and tbh I just need it finished, so please forgive the mistakes. part three might take a little longer...I’m having quite the anxious episode but enough of that, hope you enjoy!

masterlist

It took a while for you to recover, but you had. Well for the most part. Your hand was the only lingering problem. 

The doctor had done what she could for it but without the proper technology and equipment–even after the mostly successful surgery, it would never be the same again.

You had diligently followed the physical therapy exercises she gave you and weeks later, you could now make a fist and your grip strength was improving. The process was long and if you were being honest you were getting impatient. You were just thankful that it was your non-dominant hand because it was still frustratingly weak and uncoordinated in comparison. The doctor had confirmed that it would probably always feel that way. You'd be lying if you said that that didn't upset you, not that you weren't grateful to be alive–it just really sucked. 

Joel was different though. While you were a little depressed and frustrated, Joel seemed to be almost obsessing over it. He would inspect it every morning, seeing how the two deep scars from the surgery were healing. Then he would ask a couple times a day if you had completed your exercises. And he was also overly protective of it. He'd fuss anytime you picked up anything or when you'd tell him that you were ready to go back to work. The two of you argued over it quite heatedly more than once. 

One day, a couple weeks ago now, after he finished his patrol he returned his gun and gear, and checked in with Tommy for the next day's schedule. 

Tommy and Maria were in a deep discussion and when they saw Joel, Tommy bowed his head and Maria straightened, both looking extremely suspicious.

“What happened?” Joel asked concerned. He somehow knew it was about you.

Maria admitted that due to your tenacity, she had put you on light cleaning duties. That you had begged to have something to do, and that after a couple of hours you had grown frustrated from the weakness in your hand, which had cramped causing you to drop a plate. It shattered all over the ground and when you could only use your good hand to pick up the small pieces, it had sent you over the edge. 

You didn't listen to anyone and you'd picked up the sharp pieces using only one hand and it had cut you up. You did so with tears in your eyes and then you left without saying a word, hand covered in blood.

He quickly left, hurrying to you as fast as his feet would carry him.

When he came home he found you in your shared bathroom. You didn't hear him enter and were focused trying to pick out the small ceramic pieces that were lodged beneath your fingertips. 

You had been attempting to fish out the pieces for just under an hour now and your hands were shaking. You could barely work the tweezers due to the slick blood and your hand was cramping. Speaking of, it was properly hurting now–which it hadn't been for weeks now.

“Baby?”

You jumped, dropping the tweezers and cursing. You grabbed the hand towel and tried to cover your hand but he was quicker. His body came up behind yours and he placed both arms on the sink, trapping you in place, eyes making contact in the mirror.

“Let me see,” he said, leaning down, breath hitting your neck.

“It’s nothing, just cut myself cleaning.”

“Let–me see.” 

You almost gave in but just as you about relented, you thought of a different distraction and leaned back and pressed your backside into him, moving your hips gently from side to side.

His nostrils flared, eyes narrowed as he hissed at the contact. It took him a second to come to his senses because his body would alway betray him when it came to you, but then quickly snapped out of it and scooted back and put his hands on your hips preventing you from following. 

“Jesus–just let me see your damn hand.”

You turned around abruptly, he was still very much in your personal space.

“I just nicked it. I don't know why you're acting like this over this,” you suddenly felt small like a helpless child. Despite your confident voice, you could no longer look at him as tears welled in your eyes. You hated feeling helpless but you also hated needing help. And what didn't even make sense was all he wanted to do was to help you. Why you rejected it you weren't entirely sure. Maybe you were just tired of seeing the worried look on his face–the one that you continued to put there.

Though, as much as you loved him, you hated the way you always just gave into him. You blamed his eyes, his voice, his… you know what, it was just him–he was your kryptonite. 

“It was just a little cleaning,” you said, unwrapping your hand and held it up to him so that he could see. “I- I uh–broke a glass and tried to…”

“Maria told me.”

“Damn.”

He chuckled softly at your frustration and then frowned suddenly, “You're still lying to me. I thought we went over this.”

“This doesn't count though. It's not life or death. It's just a few stupid cuts.” 

He reached out and took your lightly bleeding hand. “I’m not too worried about this,” he said after inspecting it thoroughly, noting that you still had some small pieces still stuck. “But this…” he gently let go of your hand and picked up the other. It was still locked in a cramp, “This is what I worry about.”

He carefully pressed into the tight muscle and you gasped in discomfort, which was quickly replaced with relief as he kneaded the overused muscle until he successfully worked the cramp out.

“Thank you,” you said, looking up at him almost ashamed

“You're doin’ too much.”

You yanked your hand from his like he had just burned you. He didn't react, just continued to stare at you. He wasn't going to take that back, you were doing too much too soon.

“I literally just swept and washed a few dishes. If–if I can't even do that then…”

“You were hurt,” the frown returned to his face.

“Yeah I was. Past tense Joel.”

“It takes time to heal. You almost…you almost died baby,” he put his hands in his pockets as he blinked a few times trying to rid the images of you doubled over coughing up blood. 

He wanted to reach out to you so damn bad, but knew that you needed space right now.

“I know that. But I feel so helpless, all the time. I- I can't do anything. I can't even turn the pages in a book…I can't even sit and fucking read. And you leave and do your shifts–shifts that we are supposed to do together. What if you got hurt because I wasn't there to watch your back?” He looked like he wanted to interrupt you but refrained. “And then Ellie has to come home from school and before she does her homework or hangs out with her friends she helps me cook and clean. I just—I’m just so sick of feeling useless. I’m so sick of feeling like a burden.”

There it was. 

He thought of a million things to say. He wanted to berate you for even thinking such a thing, but that never seemed to work on you, so he decided to go a different route.

“I understand.”

“Do you?” You said with more venom than you intended.

“Yeah, yeah I do,” he cleared his throat, “When I was stabbed and you and Ellie had to do everything.”

“You were unconscious Joel. You were dying from infection.”

“That doesn't matter. I–I couldn't protect you two. I could barely understand what you said to me but I could make out enough.” He took his hands out of his pockets and rubbed his face, “I knew that you were going to leave and try to find me medicine. I tried to call out…I tried to stop you, but I couldn't. And then when the men–when the men came looking for you I–damn near lost my mind. But I couldn't move. I, I tried so hard to,” he felt the familiar pressure in his chest, “I…I watched you leave–and I couldn't even beg you to stay.”

You stood still as a statue as a tear rolled down your cheek, all you could do was stare.

“So yeah, I do understand. Feeling helpless is the worst, but you got me and Ellie, and you are getting better everyday. But pushing yourself isn’t gonna help you. So please do me–do us a favor and just let us help you. You’d do the same thing for us in a heartbeat and you are never a burden. Do you hear me?”

Your eyes were wide and mouth was slightly opened, “I’m sorry, I had no idea.”

“It’s ok. Everything turned out fine. We are both here.”

You launched at him, hugging him tightly. You kissed his neck and said, “I wish you would have told me. I know you dream about it…”

“I don't want to talk about that right now, ok? I just want to get that junk out of your hand and take a shower. Does that sound good?”

You agreed.

He took his time and worked efficiently, and in no time he had all of the debris removed and had cleaned your fingertips. Then he helped you undress and led you to the shower, where he worshiped you with as much attention as he gave you wounds, and then finished by cleaning your body as well–something that he's come to enjoy doing. When you got out of the shower he gently bandaged both hands, one for the cuts and the other to relieve the pressure on the healing muscle. 

He dried you off and helped you dress into your most comfortable clothes, which were ironically his clothes. Then you sat at the kitchen table and listened while he told you about his day. He heated you a can of your preferred soup and toasted you both some bread to go along with it.

After your shared meal, you moved to the bedroom where he read a couple chapters of your favorite book to you. You fell asleep with your head on his shoulder. And when you woke you were in his arms snuggled closely, your bad hand in his as he lightly massaged it.

You've been back on light duties for a month now–also known as cleaning and restocking the armory. It definitely feels boring and mundane after the action you were used to, but it was much better than doing nothing. Your hand still has the occasional cramp but it's much stronger. You’ve practiced on the shooting range a few times now and you weren't as hindered as you thought you'd be. Slower yes, but still able, with an aim as deadly as it's ever been.

It was the middle of a Wyoming winter and it was cold. Snow fell for four days straight covering the ground in a thick solid layer that probably wouldn't melt until the beginning of spring. Which made today's appearance of the sun that much better. Everyone in Jackson acted like it was a holiday. Two families were actually having parties and had invited you over. 

People liked you for a reason you didn't even know. You were nice and you worked hard but you weren't overly friendly, maybe you just appeared that way because you were around Joel and Ellie. Or maybe it was because you were close to Maria and Tommy. Regardless, there would be no partying for you. 

A few months ago you had talked Ellie out of going on runs until she was older. She hated it and took quite some convincing but you managed to make a deal with her. She focuses on school and her friends, and honestly just being a semi carefree teenager for once in her life, and a couple times a year the three of you would take vacations.

By vacations, you'd basically just camp and be away from everyone a bit. None of you would admit it but each of you missed the seclusion. Just the three of you, no obligations, nobody telling you what to do. You were grateful for Jackson, you all were and it was much better than being alone but that's how you lived for months together. That's where your strong bonds were made, and sometimes the sleeping bag under the stars felt more like home than your house.

Another part of the agreement was that Ellie got to choose where you'd go. It couldn't be too far, at least not during the winter, and the trip couldn't last more than a week–not until she was finished with school.

On this inaugural trip she wanted to see the rapids. Some friends had talked about how they canoed down them and she hadn't stopped talking about it since. You doubted that that was true, in a canoe? But it didn't matter it was a part of your deal and since the rapids weren't too far away the request seemed reasonable. 

And really it was a big deal for Ellie to want to go anywhere near water, let alone potentially dangerous water. She had let it slip once that she couldn't swim and the fact that she hasn't asked to learn yet tells you that she's afraid.

It was early morning, the sun had just begun to light up the sky. It was cold but no snow clouds were on the horizon. You were all packed with more things than you’d need in a week, and the trip probably wouldn’t even last three days. This was your first time leaving since your injury and it was Ellie's first since the agreement, which meant Joel was kind of a nervous wreck. He packed excessive amounts of everything–ammo, food, first aid. His pack weighed double the usual weight, and this time he saddled up his horse.

You found him in the stables. He was loading up the horse slowly and precisely, trying to slow down the inevitable–his family was leaving safety. 

“Are you ready?” 

He jumped slightly and laughed almost nervously. “You scared me sweetheart.” He sighed and fastened the last strap on the saddle, “Bout there, I wanna double check the…”

“Joel,” you crossed your arms and looked at him sweetly. “Everything is going to be ok. We are going to have a fun quick little trip. Nothing that we aren't used to right?”

He still had his back to you but you could hear him gulp and you could see him trying to shake his head in some sort of agreement. 

“Hey.” You walked up to him and held the side of his arms. “Do not put all of this on yourself. The three of us can defend ourselves, in fact I'd say that we are a pretty badass trio.” 

You smiled and he couldn't help but smile back. It didn't reach his eyes but he smiled nonetheless. 

“I’m afraid.” His voice was low where only you could hear him. He turned from you and focused on the horse. A little shocked that the confession slid out of him so easily. Completely unintentional.

His admission made you break a little. You didn't want this to stress him out like it was. This was supposed to be fun. “If you don't want to go me and Ellie–”

“No,” his voice was firm and commanding. “God- just no. I um–I just…it's safe here.” He was suddenly fixated on petting the horse, unable to look at your eyes that seemed to make him confess things without his permission. “And to leave it, if we don't have to seems…foolish to me.”

You tensed at his words. And boy did they make you angry. You and Ellie have been planning this and looking forward to it for weeks now. And he just waited until the last minute to express his concern? To call something you’d been dreaming about foolish?!

“We can't just stay here. We can't just be yours to play house with.” You paced a little and then continued almost grumbling to yourself, “Be your little housewife and we aren’t even married—go to school–be your picture perfect family. We can't do that. I can’t. I- I won't.” 

He turned to face you quickly. He hadn’t meant to upset you, really he hadn't but it did seemed foolish to him, dangerous for no reason. He didn’t like the way you were talking, it made him uncomfortable. Yes he loved coming home to you but it was just because he knew that you were safe. It had nothing to do with you being a ‘housewife’ to him. And he also didn’t like what sounded like an ultimatum, he would never keep you from leaving but it still frightened him. 

“I just meant–”

“Oh I know what you meant.” You felt your face getting hot. You didn't know where all of this was coming from and chalked it up to being frustrated at his last minute indecisiveness and your slightly stir-crazed mental state. “And it's such an easy thing for you to think about- building a wall around us caginging us up like animals in a zoo.”

“That's not–”

“Come home to a cooked meal.” You were pacing faster now, needing some kind of physical release. Your body was practically humming with pent up energy from being cooped up for months. 

“Baby it’s not–”

“All your laundry folded nice and neat.” You dug your boots into the stable floor with such force that dirt was actually starting to kick up. You could feel your blood pressure rise with each step. 

“To be propped up and ready to fuck when you come home–”

That made him snap. “Stop it!” He tightly held your shoulders and jerked you around hard. “I’d think very carefully about what you say next.”

You were still, all except for a wicked gleam of rebellion that flashed in your eyes. “Is that what you want?” You were breathing embarrassingly heavy.

He hated his reaction to all of this but regardless he still felt blood quickly rushing south and his pants tightened rapidly. You are just so damn hot and the image you were painting, well he hated to admit that the last part sounded appealing. Also he not so secretly liked it when you talked dirty.

“For me to be spread out on the bed for you, nothing to do but wait for you to get home. Be nice and ready for your—”

With absolutely no warning he spun you around and pulled you roughly to him. You arched into him instinctively and he placed one hand on your inner thigh and the other over your dirty mouth.

“I know it’s been awhile so I won’t get mad at you. But if you don't shut that pretty mouth of yours right now, we aren't goin’ anywhere.”

You ground your backside into him just as rough,  and bit at his hand, in a futile attempt of retaliation.

“Fuck…” He pressed himself harder into you. A sinful moan escaped you that was barely muffled by his large hand. He was certain that his strain was going to break his zipper. “If you needed this from me baby, all you have to do is ask.” He cooed into your ear making chills shoot down your spine and pressure pool into your belly.

He moved his hand that was resting on your thigh and started to unclip your belt buckle. 

The metallic clank broke you from your lust filled trance, and you shot out from his embrace. Your pupils were blown wide and you were almost gasping for air. “You aren't gonna- damnit, you aren’t going to distract me over this. We- we are leaving, with or without you.” 

You stormed out quickly. Not even bothering to buckle back up. 

If he were in the position he would have chased after you. But he couldn’t go running through town in his current state. So instead, to calm himself down, he thought about anything at all other than you.

A couple of minutes later, he led his overly packed horse over to where the two of you were waiting. Ellie was beaming at him and bouncing on the balls of her feet in excitement. He smiled at her but it made him feel like a piece of shit. This meant so much to the two of you. And he might have just ruined your whole trip. He hated when he made you angry but he still believed he had a point. 

He looked over at you and you quickly turned your head away to avoid him. He didn’t know how to apologize to you. Or rather he knew how but he couldn’t do that in front of Ellie. So he’d have to find the right time when you were alone. He wasn’t the best with words, in fact most of the time his words only made things worse. So he’d have to be patient and hope you’d be willing to forgive.

He was mid thought when you just started walking. Ellie cut her eyes back at him and raised her eyebrow in question. 

He just shrugged but he knew she was clever, sometimes too clever, and he knew that she knew he had done something stupid. 

“Come on.” He sighed, urging her to drop it and follow.

Luckily for him, she was more excited for the trip than curious about what had happened. But he still feared that it was only a matter of time before she questioned him to death. 

It took about five hours to make it to the river. It was a slow peaceful walk. There was no hurry—the journey and being at peace was the reason for the trip–it was mostly made in silence, the three of you weren’t big on small talk so it wasn’t at all uncomfortable, though he knew that you were only quiet because you were still stewing from earlier.

Ellie grew more talkative towards the end and you tried your best to carry on with her, but you were still infuriated with Joel. It was a buildup of things you supposed. But sometimes he really gets under your skin. The overprotective thing really works for you until it doesn't. And that’s not really fair to him because that’s who he is, and you knew that he hadn’t caged you in, you just felt trapped by your own injury. 

It didn’t help that it was after months of being cooped up and babied. Two things you disliked. If he was going to be like this every time you wanted to go for a walk- then flat out, the relationship wouldn’t work. You needed some semblance of freedom or you’d go insane. That scared you because you also needed him. And maybe you were being a little dramatic. He was currently beside you and you were outside of the gates. So maybe you were being a little hasty. Hopefully this outing will give you the reboot your mind needed.

Joel picked a place to set up camp while you and Ellie walked over to the edge of the cliff to see the now infamous rapids. They were more intense than you imagined, no way could a canoe make it down them.

Ellie was being uncharacteristically timid. You looked back at her and decided to give her some alone time. “I’m going to help him, don't get too close to the edge, it's slick.”

She playfully rolled her eyes at you.

When you made it back to Joel he already had half of the stuff thrown on the ground, but when he looked at you he gave a look. 

“What?” You placed your hands on your hips defensively.

“Nothin’...” he exhaled deeply, “Look- I’m sorry about earlier. I don’t wanna ruin your trip.”

“Our trip, it's our trip Joel. Look at where we are. Look how beautiful it is.” you gestured around you at the beautiful mountains, “Don’t you just feel…free?”

He looked at you with a sudden understanding, it was freedom that you needed. You’d told him as much, but seeing the stress visibly leave your face is what finally got it through his thick skull, “Yeah, I guess I do.”

You beamed at him, “See!”

“You look awfully beautiful out here like this,” his eyes sparkled at you. There was no other way to describe it.

“So do you.”

“Yeah?”

“Big time.”

He laughed, “See that big tree?”

It was the biggest tree in the area, impossible to miss, “Yeah?”

“If we were alone I’d apologize like you like me to, right up against–”

“Stop…that's–that’s cruel,” you blushed.

He laughed almost wickedly.

“Let's unpack before you find a way to get yourself back into trouble.”

Ellie was looking out, biting her lip apprehensively. Now that she was here she was fucking scared. Why did she even pick this stupid place, she couldn't swim, it was cold, and it was fucking stupid.

She walked closer to the edge and tried to peek over but she was too far away. She got frustrated with herself. Come on, don't be a pussy. She moved closer and closer still. Her chest felt tight and her legs were beginning to quake. She fought the urge to lay down and crawl to the edge, she didn't think that that would be a good look for her. So she continued to move forward very slowly, inch by inch, silently disregarding all sounds of internal alarms until finally, she could see all the way down into the raging water. 

Her toes kissed the edge and as she leaned forward, just as she felt that she had confidently conquered a fear, her boot slipped. “FU–” she was cut short as she twisted and tried to grab onto the edge, but in doing so she landed on her chest which then sent her flying backwards towards the water. Thankfully she landed on a ledge less than halfway down the steep drop. 

The ledge was small and narrow, she was very lucky to land on it at all. If she wouldn't have tried to hug the side of the cliff she would have fallen straight into the water. What she didn’t notice though was as she landed, the ledge moved slightly- small rocks broke off and fell into the freezing water below.

Ellie laid there for a few seconds and stared up at the blue sky. She took deep breaths trying to get it through her head that she was in fact alive–she wasn't entirely convinced. Until she heard you calling out her name. 

You were fortunate enough to look over just as she fell. You ran to her as fast as you could desperately calling out her name.

Joel was left alone and confused for merely a second before he noticed Ellie's missing form. His heart dropped as he sprinted past you and looked over where she used to be standing.

“Ellie?” you caught up and stood beside him.

You looked over the ledge as she carefully stood and brushed off some snow and dirt.

“Holy shit.” she said looking up at the two of you.

She didn't speak loud enough to hear because of the thunderous sound of the rapids, but you could read her lips. You exhaled in relief.

Joel was also very relieved. If she had fallen she would have hit the rocks, and if by some miracle she missed the rocks the currents were strong. Even an amazing swimmer wouldn’t be able to stay above the water, he didn't care to think about what would happen to someone who couldn't swim.

“Ellie,” he yelled down to her.

She looked up, and moved to hug the side of the cliff, “Yea?”

He laid on his stomach and reached down his arm as far as he could stretch, “Can you climb to reach my hand?”

She stretched her body as tall as she could, standing on her toes, her feet almost completely parallel to the cliff. She was still short, not by much, so she jumped as high as she could, still missing his hand. When she landed, the shifting of the ledge was still unnoticed. There was nothing to grab onto, there was nothing to grip to climb.

She jumped again but this time landing with more force. The ledge visibly shifted and larger rocks plunked into the water.

“Stop!” you screamed out. “Ellie, stay still!”

She gave a thumbs up, “No problem.”

You laid down next to Joel, “I’m going down there.”

“Like hell–”

“Hey, listen to me. I’m taller than her. I could probably jump and reach your hand, she just needs a boost. She could probably stand on my back and reach you.”

“Let me, I’ll…”

“You’ll what?” you sighed and did your best to calm down. “I don't think the ledge is strong enough to hold you both.”

He opened his mouth but you continued, “And you know I couldn't pull your ass up.” you grinned, but he wasn't having it.

“Just wait a second. Let me figure something out.” He looked back towards camp, “We could tie some–”

“You saw the way those rocks fell. We might not have the time for that Joel.” You grabbed his forearm and looked deeply into his eyes, you weren't playing around, you were going to do this, “Please, let me save her.”

His brows furrowed and he looked at you with as much seriousness as you've ever seen from him, and that was saying something. He brought his forehead to yours, “Be careful,” he whispered onto your skin.

You nodded, noses bumbing against each other and then reluctantly moved from him and looked down, “Ellie? I’m going to come down there and help you, ok?”

She looked up at you in pure panic, “No don't! This fucking piece of shit rock is barely holding me up.”

“It’ll be fine.”

She practically cried out your name, “Please don't,” her voice cracked in her loud plea.

You looked at Joel and he was looking at you in premature anguish, “It’s going to be alright,” you said to who, you weren’t sure–probably everyone, including yourself.

You removed your gloves in case you needed a better grip and slowly climbed over the edge, Joel held on tightly, and when he looked at the two deep scars on your hand he froze, “God damnit!”

“What?” you looked up worried that something had happened, and saw him focused on your hand.

“Crazy woman, what are you fuckin’ insane?”

Your hand had crossed your mind, but getting Ellie to safety was the only thing that mattered. You smiled sadly- knowingly at him, and he all of the sudden realized what he was doing–he was slowly dropping you to your death. This wasn’t just a rescue mission, this was a suicide mission. The anger from his eyes was replaced with bone chilling fear. He desperately yanked you back up a little, pulling your arm too tight and causing your bicep to strain. 

“Wha–?” you saw the raw panic in his eyes as he tried to haul you back up, “Stop, Joel Stop!” you looked down at Ellie and then back up to him with tears in your eyes, “I’ll break my arm off if I have to.”

He knew you would. Selfless woman.

He looked back at you holding on to his hand, gripping the side of the rock face, eyes full of tears and determination–he loved you so. “You better come back to me.”

“I always will.” 

His grip tightened and he lowered you as far as he could, “Land softly.”

No shit you thought as you landed on the ledge. It dropped even further this time making a horrible crumbling noise.

You grabbed Ellie and hugged her tightly afraid that this was it. When nothing else happened you sighed in relief and quickly backed up. She looked scared, like she wanted to stay in your arms and hide.

“Come on, we have to hurry.”

You quickly got on your hands and knees and she stood on top of you. She reached tall but was scared to dig her toes into you–she didn't want to hurt you, and she thought of how long it took for your ribs to heal, how much pain you were in.

“Use your toes Ellie!” you demanded.

“I don't want to hurt you,” she practically sobbed out.

“You won’t, I can hardly feel you.”

She knew you were lying but she complied and stood on the tips of her toes. She brushed his fingertips and tried to reach further. 

“Are you close?” you asked, feeling the ground beneath you sway knowing time wasn't on your side.

“I can touch him but I can’t–”

“Jump,” you interrupted her.

“Wha….NO I won't do that.”

“Ellie, baby- you have to.”

“I don't want to.”

“I love you very much…everything is going to be ok.”

More rocks crumbled and Joel called out your name in warning.

“Jump Ellie!”

Without a moment's more hesitation she did and Joel gripped her wrist tightly. They worked together and quickly got her to safety. 

The pathetic excuse for a ledge was giving out. Your world was rocking back and forth like a buoy on the ocean. You stood slowly, doing your best to not make any sudden movements. You could hear both of them desperately calling out to you but you were focused. They didn’t know how precarious your situation had become. 

You stood slowly and reached for Joel’s hand. You had known going into this that it was going to be much harder for you to get up. Sure you were taller than Ellie but not by much. You were going to have to jump or climb. To jump meant if you missed- you had to land, and you weren’t sure it could take that force.

You dug your fingers into any crack you could find, there weren’t many but you made your way maybe a foot off of the ledge when two things happened—first your hand locked up in a cramp that rendered it useless. You dropped it to your side, trying your best to hide it from those above. And second, the ledge broke away and fell into the water. 

They cried out to you but you didn’t know what to do. You truly couldn’t do a thing with your hand, you couldn’t even use it as a stabilizer. You found a perch for one toe of your boot, but it wasn’t going to hold long. 

It was like the universe knew that this was how you’d die. It was shitty, but it was giving you a chance to say goodbye to the two people you loved most in the world, and that’s more than a lot of people got.

You looked up. Joel’s face was red from straining to make himself longer. Spit was flying from his mouth with every pleading yell. Ellie was screaming for you to hurry. Time seemed to slow down as you watched them. They were going to be ok, they had each other, and despite what Joel would argue that would be enough.

So you had one attempt. It was all or nothing. One small lurch forward and you’d either make it to Joel’s hand or you wouldn’t. The chances were very slim.

“I have one shot,” you called up.

“Just keep climbing baby, you’re doing so good!” he encouraged loudly.

“I- I can’t. My hand is locked up.”

He cussed and behind him his feet angrily kicked holes in the snow. Tears started falling from his face and passed by you like drops of rain, “I told you to let me! I could have—“

“I love you. I love you both,” you sniffled but felt at peace, you had saved your girl, “I’m going to try my best but I really don’t have much to propel myself from.”

Your hand slipped a little and you could hear Joel’s gasp and Ellie’s cry. 

“Ok I’m ready,” your muscles tightened in preparation and you tested the movement. Once you were satisfied that you’ve done all you could you started your countdown, “On, three-two—one.”

To give yourself some credit, you did make it farther than you thought. Probably a hands length away from Joel’s, but you knew from takeoff that it wasn’t enough.

You briefly saw the look of absolute horror on their faces as you took in as much air as you could, and shielded your head with your arms as you plunged into the freezing water.

You of course knew that water was powerful. It helped shape the earth with its constant rising and falling. Given time its pressure could smooth a stone, could forge new paths and create new bodies of water. It grew vegetation as easily as it could flood and drown. Any living thing needs it or would die. Water was both life and death, it was a powerful, powerful thing.

But you didn’t truly respect it until now. It tugged you under and slung your body around like a ragdoll filled with nothing but cotton. You had never felt so weighed down and yet somehow so weightless. You were so distracted by the sheer force of it that the sharp burning from the cold came later. Then oddly enough the need to breathe came even later than that.

After a few seconds of pathetically trying to fight it, you quickly realized you could do nothing but patiently wait for a current to bring you to the surface for a chance to get air.

It happened faster than you had anticipated. Before you knew it your head was above the water and you were gasping for oxygen. Some water got in but that didn’t matter to you in the slightest.

You glanced to the side at the riverbank and for the first time you noticed how fast you were moving. You were absolutely flying down the river. 

You went under a couple more times, and were banged around—hitting some rocks here and there, which would bruise but nothing serious. 

There wasn’t much farther to go as far as the rapids were concerned. The river was long but if you could make it another one- two minutes tops before it slowed and calmed. 

What a jinx you are.

Your ankle was suddenly caught between two rocks. You were stuck and the angry currents were pushing at the side of your face, trying their best to force you back under. You took a deep breath, and went under to try and wiggle your boot free. It was of no use so you untied the shoe and were launched free immediately. It took you by surprise and rolled you a few times—disorienting you, and then your luck ran out. You hit your head, everything went black.

When you fell he almost jumped right in after you. As matter of fact, if Ellie wasn't with him he would have. His whole body shifted forward begging him to leap, but Ellie’s hand quickly grabbed his shoulder tugging him back up, as she yelled out after you. She anchored him to the spot and kept him from acting irrationally.

He sprang to his feet, “Look for her I’m gettin’ the horse.”

She quickly got up and ran along the edge. It's funny that moments ago she was so scared to even go near it- now she was sprinting alongside it, the only fear she felt was for you. Her eyes combed the water trying to get a glimpse of your now flailing form, they were stinging from the cold but she refused to so much as blink. 

She looked farther down and saw you, just as you were thrusted up for air.

Joel passed her on the horse and she pointed ahead. She tried to keep up but you were both moving too quickly. She kept running even as she lost sight of you both.

Joel was riding alongside you. It was a difficult task to both keep his eyes on you, and keep his horse from running off the side but he quickly adjusted. You were doing a good job of keeping your head above the water, and he was starting to feel slightly optimistic.

The water was already calming down. 

He looked back to you all of that previous optimism died along with any hope he had left in him. This time he screamed your name, it was way too raw to be called a yell. 

He moved his horse back and forth searching. The horse was as anxious as Joel, it wanted to continue running. His heart was beating out of his chest as he continued crying out for you.

Then he saw you.

You were face down and floating downstream.

He charged the horse and went ahead of you to where the rocks stopped and the shore began. He dismounted, took off all of his clothes except his boxers, and ran into the water.

Even though it was calmer, he still had to curl his toes–gripping at the dirt in an attempt to brace himself with each step. When you floated near he swam out to you. It was rougher out where you were. 

When he reached you he quickly turned you over. 

You were so blue and he couldn’t tell if you were breathing.

Fortunately for the both of you, he was a swim champion in his teenage years and a pool lifeguard was his first job. He swam fast and strong and there was no way you’d release from his grip. 

When his feet touched the bottom he cradled you, and trudged through the water as quickly as he could–water splashing all around as his strong legs ran you to shore.

Ellie was waiting, bent over trying to catch her breath.

He got you out of the water and laid you down in the snow. 

“Is she breathing?” Ellie gasped as she looked down at your blue face.

“I don’t know yet.” He felt for a pulse but didn’t find one. Then he put finger under your nose to feel the air. Nothing.

“Damnit,” he immediately started chest compressions. 

Ellie’s legs gave out and she sat in shock. She had lost a lot but losing you felt like too much. You were the closest thing she’d ever had to a mom. You were her best friend. What the fuck was she supposed to do without you?

“...gotta be the hero—”

Joel was angrily muttering to you. Ellie could only make out occasional fragments, she wasn’t even sure he knew what he was saying.

“—let anyone else get hurt.”

His voice trembled with emotion.

“Couldn’t just let me…hard headed…”

He was openly crying now and getting slightly winded from the exertion. His body pink from the cold with steam rising off of him.

“—drive me damn insane,”

Ellie was now sobbing with him- broken gasps and labored breaths. She hugged her knees to herself and began rocking.

“…better start breathing I swear to god.”

The horse moved, catching her eye.

“Please- don’t leave me…”

She turned back and watched him desperately pound on your chest. 

“—I fucking need you…you hear me?”

That was as close to a sleeping beauty moment that you’d ever get. You started violently coughing up water- expelling it from your lungs. He rolled you on your side so it was easier on you for you to spit up the liquid.

A rush of pure joy overcame him, “That’s it baby get it all out.” 

Ellie crawled closer to you like she couldn’t believe that you were alive. Something red caught her eye. “Uh, Joel?” she pointed behind your head, her voice sounding so small.

He was so fixated on watching your face that he hadn’t seen the blood staining the white snow behind your head, “Fuck.”

As you continued to cough he felt around the back of your head. There was a small swollen knot that was split by a not so deep cut. There was no indentation which was his main concern. And head injuries bled a lot, he reminded himself as he looked at his now crimson coated hand.

The coughs slowed down but he started worrying why you weren’t shivering. He was shaking uncontrollably. You were still. 

“Here’s what I need you to do- take the horse and bring all our stuff down here. We have to get her warm.”

Ellie was silent. Frozen in fear staring at the blood.

“Ellie…Ellie?!” He said loudly, snapping her out of it, “You hear me?”

“I- I’m on it.” She jumped on the horse and galloped away. 

He pulled you so that you were propped up against a tree–he didn't want you to drown in the water you were clearing from your body. He brushed some hair out of your face with his numb fingers–he couldn't even feel the soft strands. Then he started to gather sticks for a fire. 

You were in and out of consciousness. You mumbled a few times but never made much sense. 

Ellie returned and helped Joel finish building the fire, it needed to be big. He kept repeating that to her.

They set up the tent. Facing it towards the fire so that the heat wafted and was captured underneath. Then he put all the sleeping bags and any fabric they packed inside. By this time Joel was shaking so bad he could barely pick up anything- now all of his appendages were numb. His tremors were now so severe that his speech was broken.

“I’m gonna ge-get all of these wet clothes–off of her, and get her in-inside.”

She nodded, liking the plan so far.

“Listen- I don’t know how to say this a-any other way, but we are going t-to be naked.”

She looked a little put off and confused.

“It’s just for bo-body heat, nothin’ weird.”

“Nothing, weird?”

“You-you know what, I- I mean,” he clenched his fists trying to demand that his body stop shaking.

“Ok so what do you want me to do?”

“I want you…to ta-take the rifle, and be on lo-look out…she has to ge-get warm–”

“Joel…I’ve got this. Just…take care of her..please.” 

He nodded in an understanding agreement, if he takes care of you then everything else will be ok.

She picked up the gun and mentally started outlining a perimeter to pace.

He pulled you over to the fire and began to undress you. His hands fumbled with the buttons and he winced when he finally noticed that you were missing a boot. He removed your shirt and jacket, leaving your top half bare. His eyes traced the many forming bruises–nothing near as bad as the last time. Then his hands touched your belt buckle. Visions from mere hours ago when he was unfastening it for a completely different reason flashed before him. 

Tears returned and he started sniffing loudly, ‘gah’ he helplessly croaked out as he removed the remaining clothing. Nothing more to note, just more of the same–discolored bruising and small scrapes. 

The bleeding on the back of your head was slowing down, though he still wrapped the injury with gauze. The bandage wrapped around and covered the top of your forehead. 

He laid you gently on top of a sleeping bag–the tent had a floor but he was trying his best to keep you from the cold ground. Then he put all the other sleeping bags, blankets, and even clothes on top of you. He took off his wet boxers and threw them out of the tent and snuggled as close to you as he could possibly get.

Your skin felt like ice. He hissed at the first contact but without hesitation pulled you to him even tighter. He was truly enveloping your form- legs were entangled, his broad chest and strong arms cocooned around you securely, even his neck and head curled into you. His hands rubbed up and down your back trying to create a warming friction–but you still weren't shivering…you should be shivering.

He didn't know what else to do, and maybe he'd done all that he could do, but that was hard for a man like Joel to accept. 

He was warming up quickly, and as he regained some sense of touch, he started to feel your skin beneath his fingertips. You were so very soft, much too soft for hands like these he thought to himself. 

Out of nowhere he started talking. He didn't know where it came from, he just opened his mouth and words began pouring out. He wasn't even aware of what he was saying until he heard Sarah's name.

He was telling you about his daughter he then realized. 

You had only asked about her twice. Once at the beginning of your relationship when you found out about her for the first time–which led to him wrongly ignoring you for a whole week. And the second was when he screamed her name in a nightmare–he told you to never mention her again, and went for a walk that lasted a whole day. He didn't know why you put up with him.

Last time you were hurt, when he was so scared he was gonna lose you, he told you how she died. And even then, even after he had opened up and said her name for the first time in years, even knowing that he could trust you- that he loved you, he couldn't bring himself to talk about her…that was for some reason until this moment.

He told you about how smart she was, about how kind and funny, and caring. How she loved to make a big deal on his birthday and always found a way to surprise him with incredibly thoughtful gifts. That she loved to cook and take care of him, because she said he deserved to be taken care of. 

And as he was telling you all of the wonderful things about his daughter it made him realize that she would have absolutely loved you. The two of you had a lot in common and would have probably harassed him into taking care of himself. His chest felt unbearably tight, he had hurt the both of you by not talking about her–by not talking about her he hadn’t let her memory live on, and by not telling you he had unintentionally kept a huge part of his heart hidden.

Suddenly he felt you. If he weren’t melded to you so tightly he probably wouldn’t have, but he did. You were starting to tremble.

“That's it baby. Warm up for me.”

He kept rubbing your back. He could feel a thin layer of sweat collect between you, it was from him he was certain. He'd gone from cold to warm to quite hot. The fire had heated up the small space in no time at all. 

Before long chills started to shake your body and he could hear your teeth chattering. He felt you nuzzle closer to his chest.

“Sweetheart?”

“S’ cold.”

“You'll be warm in a minute.”

“Wha time is…?” your words were slurred.

“Late. We should probably wake up.” he really hoped that you would wake up, or at least seem more alert.

“Yea…”

And then you lost consciousness or fell back asleep one, or maybe both.

An hour or so passed and you were coming down from the worst of your chills. Your teeth were no longer clicking and your skin felt much warmer to the touch.

He felt your head shift to look up.

“Hey,” he smiled, warmly down at you.

“Hi,” you turned your head and took in your surroundings. Saying you were confused was an understatement. “Where are we?”

“You don't remember?” his brows creased and his smile drained from his face.

“I- I remember…ELLIE!” you sat up quickly, he did too.

“It’s ok, she's ok. I promise.” he pulled you into a hug and as your bare breasts brushed against his arm hair you noticed for the first time that you were naked–you both were.

“Joel, what the hell happened?” you asked into the crease of his neck.

He explained everything, and you were slowly able to fill all of the missing holes of your memory–the fall, the battle in the water, the rock that took you out.

“You saved me again,” tears fell from your eyes.

“Sweetheart I’ll save you everyday if you'll let me,” he wiped them away with his thumb, you heard the gauze rustle.

“Wha?” you reached up and felt the bandage seeming to cover your head. 

“It’s not as bad as it looks,” he chuckled, “Just a little thing. I might have been…excessive.”

You laughed and the strain of it made you notice the pain in your chest. You placed your hand over your heart and looked at him, obviously confused.

“Yeah…that might hurt for a bit,” he winced. “You- you weren't breathing when I got you out of the water–”

“You had to do CPR!?”

“I did.” he swallowed thickly and looked away.

“Oh, Joel… thank you.” you moved your leg over his lap and straddled him, you grimaced, your body was more battered than you thought. He openly began to weep, sobs wrecked through his body. You rested his head to your chest, and rubbed the back of his head until his breaths calmed and his shaking stopped.

“Ya know, this would be really hot in other circumstances.” you weren't in the mood, not even close. You felt like you had been run over by a truck, you were just trying to lighten the mood. “In a tent, naked with you.”

He chuckled, you felt him smile against you. He turned and kissed your soft supple skin. “I’m so glad you're ok…when you fell, just you can't do that shit.”

You leaned away from him, “What? Save Ellie?”

“Can't just…react. I could have tied something together—”

“If she would have fallen into the water, I would have never forgiven you. You know that right?”

He shook his head, “I never would have forgiven myself but- but darlin’…jesus.”

“I don't want to fight. Not about this and not right now, my head is killing me, but know this Joel Miller- if either one of you ever need saving, and I can, I will.” You grabbed a dry shirt and pulled on over your head. “It isn't something up for discussion, and I won't be talked out of it. You jumped in the water to save me- that was dangerous, we sometimes do dangerous things for the ones we love.” He looked like a kicked puppy but you continued, “If I don’t act, if I sit back and think about it- took time to come up with a plan, and then lost you anyway…then what–then what would be the point?”

You put your hand behind his head and pulled him closer again, whispering against his face, “I know you'd do the same so don't play all high and mighty with me, you will always lose that battle,” you placed a kiss on his lips.

He returned the kiss eagerly. Your lips were chapped but they had never tasted better to him. He pulled you both up so that you were both kneeling, and he pressed your body into his. He wished you hadn't put on the shirt, despite all of the previous contact he still felt like he needed to feel you.

“Joel…” you reluctantly warned into his mouth.

“I know…I know–but god I just want to feel you right now.”

You hummed in agreement and stayed for another minute or two, and then slowly backed out of his embrace. He smoothed back his hair and looked around for his extra clothes. You threw his boxers at his face, he laughed and grabbed you back to him- suddenly catching you off balance and the jerking motion hurt your head.

You hissed and massaged your temple.

“Shit I’m sorry.”

“It's fine..I think I need to lie down.”

“You ok?”

“Yeah, just need a minute.”

“You rest,” he tucked you in and kissed your forehead, “I’m gonna tell Ellie that you're doin’ better.”

“Kay,” you closed your suddenly very tired eyes.

Come morning it was snowing. It was a pleasant snow, the kind that was peaceful to watch with large flakes that floated down to the earth. You had slept straight through the night. Joel and Ellie took turns, taking watch and staying by you. You woke with a ravenous appetite, and ate enough for three meals. Neither of them said a word, in a humorous delight- they just watched you scarf down the food.

They both insisted that you rode the horse on your journey home. You didn't want to, but you would admit that your equilibrium was still somewhat off, and your body was very sore. So you relented and did as they asked.

When you returned to Jackson, the doctor examined you and said that you had a mild concussion and were still experiencing the symptoms from hypothermia, but were otherwise fine. You'd just have to take it easy for a week or two.

A week later you were working back in the armory, this time though you had no complaints. 

When you came home, you opened the door and was immediately hit with a delicious aroma, “Joel? Ellie?” you called out a little suspicious. You tended to be this family's chef. 

“In the dining room,” Joel responded.

You could hear the two of them whispering hurriedly, and you heard silverware clanking around. When you entered the room your jaw dropped. 

They were both dressed up. Joel with a nice dark blue buttoned up shirt that you'd never seen- the sleeves neatly rolled up, dark pants, and his hair looked styled with…what was that gel? Ellie was wearing a white buttoned up shirt, and she had her hair down with one small braid off to the side (you had taught her how to braid her horse's mane and she was getting proud of her skills). 

The ambiance was almost romantic, dim with nothing but candles lighting up the room. The table was set like they were expecting royalty and they had a bottle of wine in front of where you usually sat.

Joel moved to your chair and held it out for you, “Your chair Madame.”

“What is this?” you hoped you didn't look as shocked as you felt. You did.

“I made you dinner.” Ellie said proudly, “So sit.”

She left abruptly to retrieve the food.

You chuckled and sat. Joel pushed you in like a gentleman and then placed your napkin in your lap. “Wine Madame?” He was trying to do a french accent but it oddly just sounded somehow even more texan.

You giggled, “Oui Monsieur.”

He laughed, “Am I not garcon?

“A little boy?”

He looked flustered, “Oh…I reckon I don't know much French.” He filled your glass almost to the brim. He looked nervous.

You giggled again, “I don't either.”

Ellie walked in with a massive pot. It was a stew loaded with meat and potatoes. Then she went back to the kitchen and brought out some bread rolls that she learned to make from a sweet old lady. 

“Ellie…what is this about?”

“I just– I just wanted to do something special for you. Joel said that you mentioned doing this before and I thought it might be something nice for you. I just…you fucking saved me.”

“Ellie–”

“No, I know. It still just sucks. How do you thank someone for saving your life ya know?”

“Easy.” you smiled lovingly at her.

She tilted her head in curiosity. 

“You live yours baby.”

She moved to you quickly, and sat in your lap.You held her tightly, and she pressed into the nook of your neck.

Joel shuffled and stealthily wiped his eyes.

She sat up and looked at you, her eyes were red, “I don't really want to cry any more.”

“Then hop up, and let's eat.”

She hugged you again and then stood.

“Tell me about what you made me.”

She smiled and told you about everything in great detail.

Dinner was immaculate, that sounds over the top but it truly was. Once you had all cleaned your plates she returned to the kitchen and brought out a pie. A pie!!! You don't want to admit it, really you don't, but you ate half of it.

You were so proud of her and kept flooding her with compliments. 

When everyone finished, you tried to help clean but they shooed you away. Joel grabbed your plate from you and whispered in your ear, “Go take a shower, I'll be up in a minute,” and gave you a rather passionate kiss.

You ran upstairs and took a very quick shower, your body was throbbing with anticipation. But alas, with belly full wine, pie, bread, and stew- after your warm relaxing shower- laying on your comfy bed that smelled of Joel's masculine scent- with a content mind and body, you fell asleep in record time.

When he entered the bedroom he saw you splayed out on top of the bed. “Sweetheart?” he asked softly- when he heard you deep breaths he immediately knew that you were asleep. It was hard to be disappointed when you looked so beautiful. He softly caressed your cheek, almost in awe of how incredibly lucky he was. He managed to gently maneuver you so that you were under the covers. He tucked you in and kissed the tip of your nose.

Then he unbuttoned his shirt, opened the dresser, and hid the ring back inside.

--------

if I forgot to tag you I am so sorry: @givemeth , @farintonorth

[withahappyrefrain]

A Little Miracle

Summary: Getting ready for the holidays is never easy. Luckily Peter is there to help his wife. Aka Peter and Sunshine celebrate Hannukah

Warnings: uh, Peter is real fucking Jewish in this (it's what Andrew Garfield would have wanted), some language, you don't need to read Here Comes the Sun (though please do!) Just know this is grumpy!Peter with Sunshine!reader who he literally calls Sunshine.

"Did you get the wine?" She asked after opening the door to their balcony.

Peter took off his mask to reveal his rolling amber eyes, "Nice to see you too, my beautiful wife."

A giggle escaped her lips, bringing a small smile to Peter's face.

"You're right, I'll try again." She stepped back inside the apartment, closing the door.

Not even five seconds passed before the door opened again, a big smile on her face as she skipped up to Peter.

"Husband! Love of my life!" She stood on the tips of her toes to be able to press a kiss against one of Peter's cheeks, "Did you get the wine?"

Peter couldn't help but chuckle at his Sunshine's antics. He turned his head so that he could capture her lips with his.

When she broke away, she noticed the paper bag he was holding up.

"You are my hero! I would have gone myself, but I had started frying the sufganiyot," she explained before taking the bag.

"You're making sufganiyot? Sunshine, we already have rugelach and kugel. Not to mention the gilt Miles is going to bring because it's the only thing he remembers about Hanukkah," Peter followed his wife inside, the smell of freshly made bread and dough in the air.

"For the last time, kugel is a side dish. You eat it with dinner Peter!" She said as she returned to the kitchen.

"It's a sweet noodle dish!" Peter exclaimed, sitting down to take off his gloves and boots.

"Yes, which is why it perfectly compliments the brisket!" She motioned to the oven, where the large piece of meat had been cooking.

It was then Peter took in the sight of the kitchen; dishes that had been used were now drying on the rack, a bowl of grated potatoes on the counter, along with matzah meal and various spices.

"Sunshine, when did you get up this morning?" Peter asked, walking up to his wife.

"I slept in until seven!" She said, trying to ignore the concerned look that adored his features.

"Besides, my nausea hasn't been that bad today! I only got sick three times and that's really good for me and…." Her voice trailed off as Peter's amber eyes burned into her.

"MJ," he said, voice stern.

"Look, I know what you're about to say and I had the energy! I'm not hurting myself or anyone else. It's just….this is the last time I'll get to do this because next year will be different and I know that sounds selfish but I just," she looked down, which made herself appear smaller than she already was, "I want to do as much as I can before things change."

Peter slowly walked up to her, his longer fingers gently wrapping themselves around her chin, forcing her to look up.

"30 minutes. Just lay down on the couch for thirty minutes. Please?" His hands cradled her face, thumbs stroking the soft skin of her cheeks.

Despite all the jokes about how whipped Peter was for her, people always forgot about Peter's effect on her.

She was stubborn and the only reason why more folks didn't use that word to describe her was because she loved doing things for other people. That's what she was stubborn about. If a meal needed to be cooked, she'd not only do it in a heartbeat, but make enough of the entree for three days of leftovers, along with delicious sides. If there was a dessert, they're had to be three other options because folks were picky about which sweet to consume.

And that's how it had been. So focused on others, often at the expense of herself. But then Peter came in and flashed those whisky-casted eyes that gave Bambi a run for his money, becoming the only one who was able to convince her it was okay to take time for herself.

She eyed the counter, then her husband, "You gotta get all the moisture out this time."

"I have learned from the mistakes of my attempt at potato kugel," Peter reassured her before pressing his lips to her forehead.

"I kept telling you-"

"You most certainly did," Peter quickly pecked her nose, then her lips.

"That savory kugel is something that someone had to make for their goy parents in law. That's it's just a giant baked latkae which-"

"You need to get all the moisture out," Peter finished, now on his eyes which allowed him to be at eye level with her stomach (though he still had to bend).

"I'll bring over the bowl for you to inspect. And even though you shouldn't think about this way…..if it makes you feel better, you're not just doing this for yourself," his fingers pushed up her sweater, revealing her stomach that was growing more and more each day.

"You're doing it for Sophie," he said before pressing a kiss into the skin of her belly.

She could feel the heat growing up to her cheeks, something that happened every time he found a way to show affection to their unborn child.

"Could also be a Benjamin. We won't know until next week," she said softly.

Peter stood up, moving so he was behind her. He placed a hand on her back, guiding her out of the kitchen and to the couch.

"I told you, my senses are telling me that it's going to be a Sophie," He grinned.

His own ray of sun playfully rolled her eyes, "I may not know much about radioactive spider bites and their after effects, but I'm pretty sure that's not how it works."

"We'll just have to wait until we get to the doctors, okay? I'm just saying though, if I'm right-"

"You can order the takeout that night, as long as I get extra-"

"Crab Rangoon with double sweet and sour sauce. How did pregnancy make you un-lactose intolerant?" Peter asked as he helped her lie down on the couch, fluffing up her favorite pillows.

She shrugged, "I don't know how pregnancy works Peter. It's fucking weird."

"Its fucking fascinating."

"Please don't go all scientist on me, you have latkes to form and fry." A giggle laced her words. The exact giggle that always made the corners of Peter's eyes crease from happiness.

"I'll start a timer for thirty minutes, okay Sunshine?" Peter said before pressing another kiss to her stomach.

"Don't forget to bring the bowl over to me before you start forming them," She said, bright eyes already closed.

"I never forget anything you say," Peter whispered, moving up to gently peck her lips.

—------------------------------------------

The apartment was now bustling with people, along with the delicious smells of various fried foods and brisket.

"I hope you didn't put yourself through too much trouble making all of this!" May exclaimed, squeezing her daughter-in-law's shoulder.

Peter loosely wrapped his arms around his wife's stomach (her ever growing bump concealed by a large sweater), "I helped too May!"

May playfully rolled her eyes at her nephew, "Peter, buying the wine is important but it's different from cooking."

"He helped with the cooking!" His sunshine looked up at him, smiling, "he did the latkes and helped finish the brisket while I napped!"

May's eyes narrowed, looking back and forth between Peter and Sunshine.

"You okay dear? Didn't you have a stomach bug recently too?" She asked.

Peter noticed his wife's grip on her wine glass tightened.

"She's gotten over the stomach bug! Just catching up on all the sleep she's been missing over winter break, right bug?"

"Yeah! That's how I usually spend my winter breaks," she agreed, forcing out a chuckle.

May nodded, though she didn't look entirely convinced, "Well, you two let me know if there's anything I can do to help!"

It wasn't until May walked away that the two were able to visibly relax.

"You think she knows?" Peter whispered.

"This is the woman who knew about you being Spiderman and didn't say shit for six years. If she does know-which is very likely, considering I have tea with her weekly- she's not going to say anything until we do," she whispered back.

"True, she'll wait. Felicia on the other hand," Peter looked over to the silver-haired woman who was currently talking to Johnny by the drink dispenser.

"Oh yeah, she didn't believe me when I said this was wine and not grape juice," She said, her sweet voice hushed.

"Yeah, Felicia will just straight up ask. Especially if Johnny encourages her."

She was about to take a sip out of her glass when she paused, "Why would Johnny encourage her?"

Peter looked away. Before dating her, he thought May's judging glare was bad.

Nothing compared to her's. Probably because her face was usually bright and cheerful. To see something resembling a scowl chilled Peter to the bone.

"Um….okay! I….I may or may not have mentioned to him that I needed to pick up more ketchup for you to put on your sliced cheese and he said 'that's an odd craving' and gave me a look. But!" Peter held up a finger to stop whatever words were about to come out of her mouth, "That's all he said, so maybe he doesn't know!"

"We should just light the candles now," was all she said before walking away. Not that she got far, as she was stopped by a certain teenager who already towered over her.

"Mazel tov!" Miles picked her up in a hug, "That's what you say for Hanukkah, right?"

"Not really, but you're trying," She giggled, hugging the teen back.

—---------------------------------

"You sure you remember the words Peter?" May asked as Peter stood in front of the menorah.

Peter scoffed, "Uncle Ben ingrained it into my brain May. Of course I remember it!"

Peter felt his hand being squeezed by a much smaller one. He looked over to see his wife, giving him a reassuring smile.

Just three years ago, he wouldn't have been able to make such a comment. Nor would he have gone to a party, much less hosted one.

One of the many benefits of letting some sunshine into his life.

He recited the prayer, first in Hebrew, then in English as he used the shamash to light the other candles. He smiled as he heard her whisper the words along with him, no doubt the words also ingrained in her head.

"So for those who aren't Jewish," Peter paused, shoving his hands into the pockets of his pants, "Hanukkah is all about celebrating a great miracle-"

"Peter, we all saw the Rugrats episode when we were kids" Felicia commented before taking another sip of wine.

"The what episode? Were we supposed to watch something before coming here?" Miles asked.

Johnny sighed as he stared into his wine glass, "How old you make me feel should be a crime."

"As I was saying! Hanukkah is all about celebrating miracles with the people you love. It's a great time to gather around, eat delicious food, and remember a time about how people preserved and got through tough times," Peter shot his wife a please help me look, yes, I know I should have planned this out you can yell at me later look.

"What Peter is trying to say," she stepped in, grabbing Peter's hand, "Is that on the final day of remembering and celebrating a great miracle, it seemed appropriate for us to share with you all that we have our own little miracle to celebrate."

"Hold up, are you saying what I think you're saying?" Felicia asked, putting down her wine glass to show how serious she was.

"Is there a ninth miracle? Are you sure I wasn't supposed to watch something before coming here?" Miles whispered.

"We're gonna have a baby! I'm due in June," She finally confirmed, the news being received with cheers.

The next few minutes were a whirlwind, with both Peter and Sunshine receiving congratulations and hugs, even a few tears (not that Johnny would ever own up to it).

Somewhere, somehow, Peter made his way over to his wife, pulling her into a hug (super strength came in handy, particularly when it came to pulling someone away from one of May's big hugs).

"I love you," he said before pressing his lips against hers.

"I love you too Peter. No one else I'd rather do this with," she giggled upon breaking away, burying her head into his chest.

-----------------------------------------------

@p3mybeloved @letmeplaytheliontoo @xbamboowishesx @liz-allyn @sincericida @rae-gar-targaryen @mrshipsmcgee @blooming-violets if you want to be tagged for my Peter stuff, let me know!

[diskaywrites]

WHUMPTOBER 2024

𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 #𝟐: 𝐀𝐦𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐏𝐚𝐫𝐤 𝐏𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐖𝐡𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐫 𝐘𝐮𝐭𝐚 𝐱 𝐊𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐢 𝐉𝐨𝐡𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐧 (𝐨𝐜) 𝐌𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐎𝐟: 𝐁𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐩𝐨𝐨𝐥 𝐂𝐨𝐦𝐛𝐚𝐭 𝐂𝐥𝐮𝐛, 𝐁𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐅𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐕𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐞: 𝐌𝐚𝐢𝐧

.✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽..✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽..✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽..✽✦✽.◦.✽✦✽..✽✦✽.◦.✽

Kelani Johnson guessed it was possible to be depressed while eating a Dole Whip at Magic Kingdom, she had just yet to experience it.

Everything in the landscape of AEW seemed to be changing so quickly since All Out and no one had felt its shift more than Wheeler Yuta. Kelani couldn't fathom how he felt, watching as the family he had built with the Blackpool Combat Club crumbled in front of his very eyes while he had been helpless to stop it. Had she had a bit of cruelty in her heart or the ability to hold a grudge, Kelani would have pointed out that it was possibly karma coming to collect its due. After all, hadn't Wheeler once caused that sadness when he broke way from a different family he had been welcomed into?

But that wasn't who Kelani was.

Instead, when Wheeler had come to her as a broken man, Kelani had welcomed her friend back with open arms. The sadness in his eyes had been enough for Kelani to embrace her old friend, even if he hadn't hugged back. All that mattered was that Wheeler knew he was loved and that if he needed a shoulder to cry on, she'd be there for him. It was Wheeler who had asked about her favorite place in the world, asked if they could attend the Halloween festivities, and Kelani would never deny someone in need.

Especially not if it involved her happy place.

The duo were tucked away by Aloha Isle, the facade of the building looking like a traditional Hawaiian building with its straw thatched roof and wooden frame. Next to them was the spinning carpets, the guests who were prayed by the golden spitting camel beside it squealing as they passed on their way to different rides. The smells of a jungle cruise were mixed with the spices of an Agrabah bazaar. It was chaotic, but less so than Fantasyland or Main Street.

"You're right," Wheeler gave a chuckle as he sat next to her on the bench, "this is delicious."

In his hand was a Pineapple Float, the tangy taste of pineapple juice made just a little moreso by the cooling pineapple ice cream. He brought the spoon to his lips, the smile on his face not quite reaching his eyes.

"My favorite way to try to cheer myself up," Kelani beamed, sipping from the green paper straw in her own cup of the dessert, "came here when..."

She stopped herself, not wanting to bring up something that would remind her friend of what he was going through. Kelani remembered sitting on this very bench, alone and wondering how she would keep the little group of best friends together after they had been abandoned by the man who sat next to her.

In the long run, the answer had been that she hadn't.

Wheeler sat the cup next to him, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees. Had he not been wearing the classic Mickey eared hat, it would have looked at home in a hospital or funeral parlor. Kelani supposed that was fitting, seeing what had happened to Danielson with that plastic bag. "Does it ever go away? This feeling like the world is gonna crash in around you?"

Kelani put a hand on his back, rubbing soothing circles against the Aladdin spirit jersey he wore, "Do you want the truth or..."

"The truth," Wheeler sighed, "Bryan would want me to hear the truth."

"No," Kelani admitted, black curls bouncing as she did so, "I still find myself thinking about how together we all were, about losing all of it. But...each day you get up, it hurts a little less until it only crosses your mind from time to time. You move on, but it never stops hurting."

Wheeler sat up, drawing in an almost meditative breath, "I'm sorry, ya know, for..."

"It's okay," Kelani waved off as she used the plastic spoon in her hand to take a bite of her pineapple ice cream, "I'm sorry I brought it up."

Wheeler took a look around the small section of the park they sat in together, giving a small chuckle, "There are worse places to be depressed. Now c'mon, I wanna be depressed on Pirates of the Carribean."

[londonisacountry]

Rushing~ dream x reader

Art: quinnsreverie (pintrest)

Summary: college au, Y/N typically stays in their dorm and studies, but not tonight. Will playing truth or dare with their friends spice things up?

Word Count: 1233

Tags: college au, drinking, provacative language

Note: "Adei" is pronounced like "Addi"

Please enjoy! ‐>

Your Pov

"I can't believe you dragged me to this stupid party, I mean, come one. Me, at a party? Adeline, are you crazy?!" I whispered to my best friend. She convinced me to go out with her tonight because the guy she likes is supposed to be here. I am a sophomore at the University of Orlando in Florida and have managed to skip every party since school started. I don't drink, and since I may or may not have overwhelmed myself with classes this year, partying isn't a priority for me. We walk inside and are immediately assaulted by the smell of sweat, alcohol, and pot. I scrunch my nose and Adei leads me through the house into the living room.

"Adei! You managed to get the home body outside, what a miracle!" Levi yelled, waving us over.

"Yeah yeah Levi, I only came to be the two of you's  wingman because without me neither of you would get as much dick as you do." I tease. Levi throws his hands over his heart as if he was hurt.

"Don't listen to him," Jared interrupted, "we were all about to play truth or dare, you two should join us." he offered. Adei nodded and Jared led us further in the room to where a group of people were sitting in a circle. My breath caught in my throat when I saw who was sitting there: Dream. He is a year ahead of Adei and I in school, and I have had a crush on him since I started here. Trying to keep my cool, I sat down between Aedi and Levi. Levi and Dream are in most of the same classes, so they are pretty good friends.

"Levi, glad you could make it man." Dream greeted, leaning across the circle and dapping him up. He then turned to me,

"Y/n." he said, making eye contact with me before sitting back down.

"Alri-hi-hight!"Sapnap, Dream's friend, yelled, getting everyone's attention. "Who wants to go first?"

Some blond girl volunteered, and I wasn't asked until it was Sapnap's turn.

"Truth or dare y/n?" He smirked. I felt slightly panicky, but managed to answer,

"Truth."

"Are you single?" He had to ask.

"Yes I am."

"Why?"

"Hey," I scolded, "you only get one question."

"Fine. George it's your turn."

George took his turn, and after a few people went, It was my turn. I dared Levi to go kiss someone. We went around the circle again, but this time I was asked a few times. I was dared to take my shoes off, and then dared to hold toes with George for a round. Then, Dream asked me,

"Truth or dare y/n?" My name sounds so amazing coming from his lips.

"Truth." I gulped, starting to feel flustered.

"Why are you single?"

"I um, I was rushing. I met the wrong person." I replied, looking at my lap, twirling my thumbs. Thankfully it was dark in the room, I know my face is beet red.

After a few more rounds Levi was shirtless, George swapped shoes with Adeline, and most of the people had stopped playing. It was Me, Adei, Levi, Dream, Sapnap, and George left.

"Truth or dare Levi?" Adei said.

"Truth."

"Out of everyone playing who do you think is the best kisser here?"

Dream Pov

"Out of everyone playing who do you think is the best kisser here?" Adei asked.

"Probably Dream. He looks like he has experience." I smirked when I heard a bunch of 'oohs' from the group, but underneath them all, I heard a whisper

"I would test that." I followed the voice only to find it came from y/n's lips, this made me smirk even more. Next it was y/n's turn.

Your Pov

"George, truth or dare?" I asked.

"Truth."

"Why are you single?"

"The girl I like is gay." he deadpanned, my heart twanged for him. Everyone went around, until it was Dream's turn.

"Y/n." He paused, almost as if he was unsure of himself, "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

"Out of everyone here, who would you consider to be the right person?"

I froze. There is no way I can answer that. Just as I was about to answer, Adei spoke up;

"Actually Dream, thanks for the invite, but I think we are done for the night." She said, giving him a 'so fake you don't know its fake' smile. She stood up, helped me off the floor, and headed towards the exit. Once we got out of sight she pulled me into a hallway;

"I have to use the bathroom before we leave, stay here." she said, disappearing into one of the many doors in the hallway. I leaned up against the wall, taking my phone out of my pocket. Before I even unlocked it I felt someone brush against my shoulder, leaning against the wall next to me. I looked over, and to my surprise, Dream was standing there.

"What happened to your shirt?"

"Your friend Levi dared me to take it off as soon as you left."

"Okay, why'd you leave?"

"Irrelevant." He said, adjusting himself so that he was in front of me. He put one hand beside my head, and used the other to tilt my chin up to look at him.

"Did you really mean what you said?" he whispered, his voice quiet, barely loud enough for me to hear. I felt my face flush and tried to look down, but his hand held my face firm. He backed up slightly before continuing;

"Did you mean it when you said you want to kiss me?" his gaze pierced right through me, and before I could answer, Adeline came back.

"If you mean it meet me by the oak outside the Fictional Writing building at one." he said, before hurrying away.

I was just catching my breath when Adei met back with me, "Hey, are you ready?" she asked, I just nodded. Neither of us had drank so she drove us home. When we got there it was just past midnight. Adei and I got ready for bed, and before I knew it I had 15 minutes to get to the tree after Adei had fallen asleep. I hurry and put some shoes on and rushed down stairs and to the walkway. I walk across campus and make it at 1:02, when I see Dream start to walk away. 

"Dream!" I whisper yell, chasing after him. He turns around and I can see the smile on his face.

"Y/n." he grinned.

"You really need to stop saying that." I chuckle.

"What ? It's just your name."

"Well if you keep saying it like that I might actually kiss you."

At this he grabbed my hand and brought it up to his lips, planting a kiss on my knuckles before hesitating. "Did you walk all the way here?" he paused, looking down at me. I just nodded my head.

"You should really be more responsible y/n, you could catch a cold." he scolded, sliding the jacket he was wearing off his broad shoulders, putting it around mine, and taking my hands in his. He could hold my hand in the entirety of his.

"I'm fine, really. It's not that cold." I protest.

"Y/n, you are shivering, besides how would you know if I was a good kisser if when I kiss you your lips are numb?" he teased.

"Well we could always try it..." I mumbled.

"Well now sweetheart, don't get to far ahead of yourself. At least let me take you on a real date first."

"Why me?"

"It's simple sweetheart, I like you."

[ravenrose18]

My Personal Savior

Chapter 5- Envy's Sparks

Amber seemed a little hesitant to approach after realizing he was busy, her pace slowing down to a near stop. However, after a hand gesture from Negan to approach, her pace quickened again until she took her place at Negan's side. "Raven, this is Amber. One of my wives." He explained, before placing his attention right back to Amber. "Now, darling, what have you so riled up?" He asked.

Amber was reluctant to say. She kept glancing at Negan and then the floor a few times before she finally found her words, "It's Sherry. Dwight has been paying visits to her."

Something in Negan's eyes seemed to change for a brief moment before he calmed once more. "Well, then. I guess my point didn't come across as clear as I thought.. I'll be sure to pay him a little visit."

Amber's eyes widened with realization, her face growing a little pale. "Wait, no! I don't mean like that. He's just been spending a lot of time with her is all."

Negan lifted his brows and moved his head back a little after her exclamation, before relaxing his body once more. "Well, if that's the case, then why did you come and get me? Do you want me to sit in between them? 'Leave a little room for Jesus' type of shit?"

Amber shook her head, rubbing her arm a little out of nervousness. "No, I just thought you'd want to know after. You know." She explained.

Negan's eyes softened a little as he realized he had scared her. He gently placed his free arm across her shoulders, kissing her on the head. "Well, you did a good thing. I want you to keep me updated about their little visits, okay?"

Amber still appeared a little on edge but eventually managed to calm herself down. She gave a nod, before finding her words a couple of seconds later. "I will."

Negan smiled once more, holding her a little tighter for a couple of seconds, before easing up and moving his arm away. "Good. Now, go get yourself something nice from the market."

Amber gave a shy nod right before she began to walk away. As she left, Negan put his attention back upon Raven.

Raven just stood there as she tried to stay calm and not start yelling at Negan bout the whole thing he said, but wives. Meaning plural. "Wives?! You... you mean to tell me after losing Lucille you are married to multiple women and before all this started you were cheating on your wife and now you have multiple wives?! What the hell Negan?!" She yells in frustration pinching the bridge of her nose. Trying to comprehend what the hell she just heard and witnessed.

Amber took a glance back as she heard the yelling, before quickening her pace, not wanting to witness what could come next. Negan raised his brows, leaning back a little with his mouth slightly agape. After a brief moment, a soft chuckle escaped his lips before his smile returned. "Woah there, sweetheart. Easy with that tone. Besides, variety is the spice of life, ain't it? Keeps things interesting in this messed-up world."

Raven looks at him glaring puts her hands on her hips and rolls her eyes "Negan this isn't... you know what sorry I shouldn't react like that it's your life I haven't been here so I don't know what you've been through." She says as she calms down

Negan stood upright, his smile remaining but something in his eyes shifted a little as she began to continue her argument. Deep down, he didn't want to hurt her, but if she continued to rant, he'd be forced to do so. That's just how he kept things in order. Lucky for both of them, she hadn't. His subtle shift of emotion quickly hid once more as he brought his tough-guy act back. "Apology accepted. Though, I don't suggest you snap off like that the next time you disagree with me about something. That crap doesn't fly too often." He advised before he began to walk once more.

Raven let him walk as she glares at him and shakes her head as she follows him "Negan just because you're a leader here isn't going to stop me from getting upset and being myself and speaking my mind and how I feel. You have known me before, the apocalypse I have not changed Negan even though I added a badass killer to my personality." She says as she crosses her arms and looks down feeling hurt that he has multiple women when he could have one.

His shoulders bounced a little as he gave a scoff of amusement, though this time he didn't bother stopping to stare at her. He kept walking. "Speak your mind as much as you want, sweetheart. Just don't be raising your voice at me. I am giving you a safe place to lay your head, and warm food to go in your belly. The least you could do is show me some respect." When she mentioned the last part, he smirked a little. "Well, good. After all, that's what this world demands now." Pretty soon, he finally stopped outside of a door. He reached his free hand out and twisted the knob before pushing the door open for her to enter. It wasn't as fancy as his, but it was still well-decorated with stuff they had taken from other communities. "The key is on the dresser. Make yourself at home."

Raven looks at him as she walks into the door stands there looks around and shrugs her shoulder "Look Negan I respect you as my friend but you ain't going to tell me how to speak to you. If you have a issue with how I am then I guess I'm not going to be staying here and go my own way." She says as she puts her bag, jacket, and weapons on the bed.

He stared at her for a moment, before shaking his head with a sigh. "That fire in you hasn't died out, huh?" He joked, before adding "Now you've just gotten here, so I'm not going to hold anything against you, but if you can't adapt, then you better buy your ticket out of here.. Now, I don't want that, but if you do, then fine." He rolled his shoulder a little, trying to get Lucille in a more comfortable position as the barbed wire was getting a little close to the back of his head. After the bat was moved, he continued speaking, "And if you're worried about my wives being forced to marry me, they weren't. They choose to, and they have free will to leave whenever they want to and go marry someone else, but they won't. I've never forced them into doing anything either, that is all their choice."

Raven sighs and looks at him as she sits on the bed and takes her stuff out of her bag she takes out the photo of Negan and her on the day they got their tattoos she smiles slightly as she puts it on the side table and takes out her knives setting them on the table as well. She glances over at him "Whatever you say Negan but I'm not going to be like everyone else here like how they fear you and bow to you. And your wives I don't give a shit bout as long as you're happy I'm fine but if they start shit with me I will do something to them." She says as she holds one of her knives in her hand while she says what she said bout his wives.

Negan glanced at the photo she held in her hand, his face shifting a little to display curiosity. His eyes followed the picture, before brightening a little as he saw what it was of. His menacing grin lowered itself into a reminiscent smirk. He remembered that day. He had teased her a little about the idea of matching tattoos but had agreed to get one anyway. He loved to show it off along with his other tattoos, but after the apocalypse began, he decided to hide them behind the safety of his leather jacket. As she spoke, he was pulled out of his thoughts, his attention immediately brought to her. He raised his brows in surprise at her claim. "Well then. Whatever you say, Rosie, everyone bends eventually." At her warning towards his wives, he gave a small chuckle. "Again, we have rules here. If someone here decides to start shit, then they'll be forced to lie in it. No exceptions." He explained.

Raven glares at him at the nickname he called her and rolls her eyes. "Not me Negan you may have changed and you're not the Negan I used to know but I don't bend to anyone not even you. If we are still having our evening together then I need to get cleaned up unless you are going to have plans with your wives instead. " She questions.

Negan released a deep breath out of his nose, a brief and soft hum rumbling in his throat. After a second, he shrugged his shoulders. He didn't like not having control over people, but he knew that he couldn't truly bring himself to hurt her. If push came to shove, he'd probably only raise his voice and give the implication that he'd attack her, but he wouldn't be able to follow through. Of course, he'd never admit to such a thing. "Fine, have it your way, and the evening is all ours."

Raven looks at him and sighs "Do you need to come get me or do you want me to meet you somewhere in your kingdom good sir?" She asks as she stands up and walks over to him looking up at him.

Negan released an amused scoff, his smirk returning upon her comment. "Well, m'lady, you can meet me in my office when you're ready. It's on the second floor. It's the first door to your right if you take Stairwell A."

Raven smiles softly and looks into his eyes "Looking forward to it and I hope you have alcohol because a girl can use a glass or two." She says as she backs away going to her bag and seeing if she has the dress she going to wear tonight for their evening together.

Negan met her gaze, his smirk transforming into a smile. "So am I. Name me the type, and I'll get it from the pantry. We have scotch, gin, wine, and whiskey. You name it." His smile brightened a little more, proud to boast of his community's wealth.

Raven smiles and giggles "So delicious whiskey sounds amazing Negan. Don't forget the world's famous spaghetti is what I'm looking forward to so I hope you're the one making it not just your cook that do your bidding." She says

Negan nodded, his grin remaining on his lips. "Whiskey, it is. And don't worry, I'm going to be cooking it myself. Our cook always adds too much garlic anyway." He joked a bit, before taking a step away from the door, preparing to leave and let her do her thing. "Alright, well, does my lady of the hour need anything else before I leave you to get settled in?"

Raven smiles and giggles "No I'm alright Negan thank you... it's great to have you back in my life. Plus I've always been your lady well at least second lady.... forget I said that I need to get cleaned up." She says walking towards the bathroom

He smiled a little more as she laughed, before giving a nod. "Alright, and you're welcome... It's great to have you back, Raven." A hint of sincerity was in his voice. Deep down, he was excited and relieved to have her back, but he knew to refrain from expressing too much of those emotions, especially in public like this. After all, if things were ever to fall in the Sanctuary, he didn't want people to target her to hurt him.

His thoughts trailed away from that as he processed what she had said about a 'Second Lady.' His brows raised, his shoulders bouncing a little from his amusement. "Well, Second Lady, I'll see you when you're ready." He leaned forward slightly, rolling his free arm a couple of times in a dramatic, bowing manner before he turned and began to walk away.

Raven giggles and smiles, watching him walk out of the room and look into the mirror. She closes the bathroom door and takes off her clothes and looks into the mirror seeing her body she hasn't looked at her body in years she felt so much seeing all those tattoos and scars under the tattoos she felt emotional. She turns on the shower and climbs in she stands there and sighs in relief. She washed her hair and body she felt so much better after she got out of the shower she looked at herself in the mirror seeing how much better she looked, and she started drying her hair and brushing it. As soon as she finished her hair, she wrapped a towel around herself and walked into the bedroom to get dressed.

Negan couldn't help but grin as he thought about the upcoming dinner. What had started as a stressful day was quickly beginning to be one of the greatest days he had experienced in a very long time. His boots echoed on the metal steps with a loud clang as he walked up Stairwell A. Soon he pushed upon the office door, and strode inside, allowing Lucille to roll off of his shoulder and dangle near the floor as he shut the door behind him.

Next Chapter

@integra1127 @integra1127grimmreaper @jdmorganz @jdm-negan-mcnaughty-blog @justjdm @jdeanmorgan @jwritesfanfics @justjdm @negansource @negans-girl-blog @negans-dirty-girl @negandarylsatisfaction @negangifs @jdm-traash @jdmslut-red @jdmorganstuff @girlwiththenegantattoo @ghostwriter2203 @a-woman-with-claws-and-fangs @naughtyneganjdm @naughty-negan @naughty-negan-clan @naturallynegan @neganbabygirl @fanfictilltheend @neganandjdm @neganappreciation-blog @neganandtonyswife @neganandblake @neganandstevensdoll-blog @savedpeople @sanctuaryforthelost @jdmswh0re @jdms-flat-ass @jdmsimp@integra1127 @integra1127grimmreaper @jdmorganz @jdm-negan-mcnaughty-blog @justjdm @jdeanmorgan @jwritesfanfics @justjdm @negansource @negans-girl-blog @negans-dirty-girl @negandarylsatisfaction @negangifs @jdm-traash @jdmslut-red @jdmorganstuff @girlwiththenegantattoo @ghostwriter2203 @a-woman-with-claws-and-fangs @naughtyneganjdm @naughty-negan @naughty-negan-clan @naturallynegan @neganbabygirl @fanfictilltheend @neganandjdm @neganappreciation-blog @neganandtonyswife @neganandblake @neganandstevensdoll-blog @savedpeople @sanctuaryforthelost @jdmswh0re @jdms-flat-ass @jdmsimp @twdxtrevor @jdmorganstuff @jdmslut-red @jdm-traash @jeffreydaddydeanmorgan @jeffreydeanmorganconfession-blog @jeffreydeanmorgantrash @jeffrey-daddy-morgan @negansource @negans-girl-blog @negandarylsatisfaction @negangifs @sanctuaryforthelost

[transpoettryinghisbest]

Who wants some Desmitri? Just trying something new lol. This is early in their relationship. Also Aurora is alive because fuck you. Trigger warnings are in the tags.

I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. 

I curl up into a ball, trying to ground myself by feeling my weight against the mattress, the blankets around my shoulders and over my feet. I squeeze my bear plushie tighter against my chest. My breathing is the only sound I can make out, aside from some distant chatter.

BANG.

I feel myself flinch.

I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. 

Logically, I know they’re just fireworks. Completely harmless to me, as I’m tucked up warm inside. But they still have some kind of effect on me that I can’t quite place. I just know that I hate it. And I hate that I hate it. I wish I could just be normal and enjoy Bonfire Night like anyone else.

But it keeps bringing me back to that memory.

I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. 

“DiDi are you not coming downstairs?”

“Huh? Uh…no.”

Aurora’s at my door. I didn't hear her coming. She’s the adoptive daughter of my new partner. She’s a bit of an oddball, even coming from someone like me, but she’s sweet and she seems to accept me.

“But Grandpa Ray made soup! And this spiced cake thing, I forget what it’s called.”

“Parkin?”

“That’s it! He says it’s traditional to have it on Bonfire Night. Then we’re going to burn a doll of this evil man from history. But Dad says if you're coming outside you should wrap up warm.”

“Mm hm.”

I’m vaguely familiar with the history of Guy Fawkes and this holiday, having lived in England for most of my life, but Aurora’s fairly new to all of this. It’s sweet watching her learn and retain things, but I can’t really focus on what she’s saying, I’m so on edge anticipating the next bang.

“Are you okay?” she asks me.

I nod.

“You look frightened, DiDi.”

“I’m-”

BANG.

I flinch. Aurora seems unfazed.

I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. 

“Oh, are you scared of the fireworks?”

I want to deny it, but I don’t think I’ll be able to convincingly. I just nod, trying to slow my breathing back down to normal.

“Oh that’s why Dad didn't buy any. He bought sparklers. They don’t make any noise. But he said we can still watch the neighbours’ fireworks.”

I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. 

“DiDi, the fireworks won’t hurt you. Dad says they’re pretty explosions in the sky hundreds of feet away. They’re meant to be fun.”

“I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s okay.”

BANG.

I flinch, letting out a little whimper.

I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. 

“Do you want me to get Dad?” Aurora asks.

I nod.

“Okay. Stay here. I won’t be long.”

She goes downstairs and I stay put, trying to regulate my breathing and ground myself.

I don’t know if what I’m having are flashbacks, it feels more like just constant repeated bad memories and a sense of unease. Every time I hear a bang, I get this impending feeling of doom, like someone I love is going to die again. That I’ll be helpless to stop it, and I’ll be left alone in the world, sobbing on the ground.

I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe.

“Love, are you alright?”

Desmond is here. His voice is very soft and calming. I smile, mostly out of relief.

“Aurora told me you were having a hard time.”

I nod.

“It’s alright, I’m here.”

He sits next to me on the bed and I instinctively nestle into him.

I’m glad he’s Desmond today. Descole is hot and funny and interesting and cool. But Desmond…he makes me feel safe.

My partner switches back and forth sometimes. Not in a dissociative identity disorder way, moreso…he’s playing roles. They help him express how he’s feeling and what kind of environment he’s in. He’s Desmond a lot of the time he’s around Aurora and in professional settings, but he’s Descole on dates or…when things get bad. Descole allows himself to feel things much deeper than Desmond does.

Both are better suited to different environments, but I love them both equally. They’re two halves of a whole man whom I fell in love with.

BANG.

I flinch against him. He gently strokes me, making a shushing sound.

“You’re safe, Dimitri.”

I’m safe. Everyone’s safe.

I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe.

“I didn't think it would be this bad,” Desmond says. “I’m sorry I wasn't more prepared.”

“It’s alright.”

“I wish there was something I could do. Perhaps some noise cancelling headphones would help.”

“I… No.”

Something about the idea of explosions going on around me and not being able to hear them scares me even more than this. The idea that someone could just disappear without me knowing.

“No, you're right. An avoidant strategy may not be ideal.”

If I thought running away would help, I’d have left the country for the weekend. I feel stuck in this place, unable to do anything until the night ends, so frightened of something that I’m not entirely sure what that something is anymore.

BANG.

I flinch. Desmond holds me tighter, telling me once again that I’m okay.

I’m okay. No one’s dying. Everyone’s safe. 

“Do you want to talk?” he asks me.

I shake my head.

“Alright. Well I’m here if you change your mind.”

“I love you.”

I said that instinctively, in case this is the last time I’ll ever see him. Even though I know it won’t be. I can’t help but be scared of losing someone else. And I know he feels the same.

“I love you too. I promise you will be alright.”

The one thing that Desmond and Descole have in common, is that they both have a deep sadness within them. Maybe that’s part of what attracted me to him in the first place, the idea that I don’t have to hide anything from him or pretend to be okay. We’re both broken souls. But we found each other. Somehow.

BANG.

I think I flinch less that time. My mantra isn’t really helping, but holding onto Desmond is. He feels so sturdy and real, which helps me from getting lost in my head. I put my plush bear down and wrap my arms around Desmond instead. He kisses my forehead.

“Perhaps looking at the fireworks would help? So that you can be more aware of what the noises are and that they’re not going to hurt anyone.”

That sounds logical, Desmond usually is, but something is stopping me from doing so. I keep my forehead resting against his chest, feeling his chest go up and down with his gentle breaths.

BANG.

I cling tighter.

“That one was blue,” Desmond says. “Quite pretty. I wonder which metal they added to the gunpowder to make that particular colour.”

I'm crying now. I’m not sure why. Maybe because I miss Claire. Maybe because I hate feeling like this. Or maybe because I finally feel safe enough to do so. Desmond's shirt becomes slightly damp from my tears, but he doesn't react in a huge way, just continues to stroke my back.

Maybe one day I'll tell him about Claire. Maybe.

There's a soft knock at the door.

“Grandpa Ray says he's left the soup on the stove if anyone wants some. But no pressure.” 

“Alright, thank you, Aurora.” 

“DiDi, I made you tea. Because you're upset. Was…that the right thing to do?” 

“It is customary to ask first,” Desmond says.

I take the tea. “Thank you. I really appreciate it.”

Offering tea as a sign of compassion is a very British thing, and given that Desmond is very British, I'm not surprised Aurora picked that trait up from her father. I take a sip. The warmth is comforting.

“I think I'm gonna stay inside tonight,” Aurora says. “It's cold out. Can we have a movie night?” 

“What do you say, love?” Desmond asks me. 

“Uh…okay. Just nothing with…loud noises.”

“Okay! I’ll go get my collection and we can pick one. Dad, can we have popcorn?”

“Sure, sweetheart.”

The fireworks continue well into the night, but snuggled up to Desmond and Aurora, watching a cringy but wholesome film about ponies, I feel safe. Halfway through the film, Aurora falls asleep leaning against me. I cautiously stroke her hair.

I may never get back what I felt for Claire. I still don’t even fully understand what that feeling was. But that’s okay. I know who I am now. And this strange little family loves me with no complications. And I love them back.

[stormanbates]

Donnie's Tantrums

Holy crap, this took forever! I have autism, and so I had to ask my mom what I was like when I went to daycare and babysitters' houses and I copied those stories to fit Donnie, except for the picky eating part. I wasn't that much of a picky eater as a kid, I pretty much ate everything I was told, except for foods that were too smooth, or had a lot of spices, and I was a pretty plain eater. Now that I'm an adult and can cook for myself, I've expanded my tastes. Unfortunately the same cannot be said about my oldest nephew, who is FAMOUS for being our family's pickiest eater. He's got the same tastes that Donnie has in this chapter. Peanut butter sandwiches, oatmeal, chocolate, plain pasta, and fruit is all this kid eats. Enjoy the story!

The Hidden City Daycare prides itself on making sure every toddler that visits their facility is safe, taught the value of friendship, and is taken care of well. Mrs. Calabash, head caretaker of the baby and toddler rooms, took great pride in making sure her room ran like a well oiled machine.

Donnie, even at 26 months, 1 week, 4 days, 7 hours, and 29 minutes old, loved efficiency.

Unless it interferes with his own interests.

The soft shelled turtle was on the spectrum, and had a very specific way of doing things and had to keep his routine on check.

And what happened if that didn't happen?

Donnie was usually a calm turtle, but when pushed, he wouldn't hesitate to bring the water works and throw himself on the floor in a tantrum. And when that happened, Mrs. Calabash would put him in a playpen adjacent to the play area so he could finish his tantrum, mainly to keep the other children from getting hurt from his thrashing body.

Donnie couldn't help it. He needed schedules. Routines kept him sane. And it didn't help that everyday Mrs. Calabash had something new for the kids she took care of.

In the short few months he had been going to daycare, he noticed different activities happening, such as a guest coming in to read a story to the infants, Mr. Kimpchi playing his guitar to soothe the little ones to sleep, or even Miss Yu bringing a new food for the tots to try during snack time.

But Mrs. Calabash would also do things out of order, and THAT would make Donnie lose his mind.

It just felt wrong when what he called "stacking block time" was switched with "music time".

Today was one of those days.

Donnie liked to start his day at daycare with some light reading. His twin, Leo, was more of a free spirit and wanted to play with his closest brother.

"Pway with me, Don!" Leo begged, tugging on his onesie.

Donnie retaliated by shoving his brother away, hating being touched. "No!" He yelled.

Leo pouted a bit, but decided to leave Donnie to do his boring stuff, and went to do something else.

Donnie picked a book on the shelf and began to read it. His brothers don't know it yet, but Donnie can read a little.

Splinter read to them every night and Donnie picked it up fast. He knew his ABCs and some simple words like "Dad", "Book", "Juice", "Bath", "iPad", and simple phrases like "I don't wanna take a nap", "I want the purple one", and most importantly "I don't like being touched!"

Donnie finished his book, and went to pick up the next one: a book about a little rabbit who dreamed of being in the Battle Nexus, when Mrs. Calabash stopped him.

"No, no, Donatello, we're going to read that book at storytime."

Donnie held onto the book that Mrs. Calabash tried to take from him, whining.

"We're about to switch play areas, why don't you play with the stacking blocks?"

That sent Donnie into a fit. The purple masked turtle immediately began to scream and threw himself forward, sobbing as he did.

Mrs. Calabash just rolled her 3 eyes before using a tentacle to pick up Donnie.

"Stop this behavior, or you go into time out. Which one will it be?"

Her choices made Donatello even more angry and he screamed louder.

"Very well." She said as she slithered towards the playpen. The dreaded playpen.

Donnie pouted. He didn't get it; throwing a fit always worked on Dad.

It was true. Splinter was a bit of a softie when it came to his autistic son. When he read up on the condition, he understood that tantrums were a way of children on the spectrum to express their feelings. Splinter couldn't stand his son's crying, so he usually just gave in to whatever Purple wanted.

But not a childcare veteran like Mrs. Calabash. She'd seen kids like Donnie come and go and this was how she ran things. No child, on the spectrum or not, was going to run her daycare.

So, Donnie was plopped into the playpen.

"You stay here until you calm down."

Before they were mutated, Donnie wasn't a good climber. And even after his mutation, he still wasn't good. The top of the playpen seemed as tall as a building compared to Raph's back, which Donnie crawled over often.

No matter how hard he tried, Donnie couldn't reach the top bars and landed on his behind every time.

Thank goodness for diapers being so thick, or else he would've landed on what Leo calls "the Nards". He did once during a tantrum at bathtime, and he never wanted to do that again; it was so painful.

Donnie kicked the bars, which made him cry again. Mrs. Calabash ignored him.

Donnie continued his tantrum until he eventually calmed down, reduced to whimpers.

"Well, Donatello, I think we're feeling a whole lot better now, aren't we?" A pinkish-purple tentacle lifted up the soft shell turtle and placed him onto the floor.

"Now go play."

Donnie obeyed.

He went to his second favorite activity: building.

The area where babies and toddlers gather around to build things with Legos was crowded, but Donnie managed to find a spot and started to pick up pieces.

Another issue with Donnie was that he hated being touched.

And toddlers and babies didn't understand boundaries.

When a 2 year old kitten yokai reached across Donnie's lap to reach for a brightly colored pink Lego piece, he freaked out and said one of his well-known sentences.

"I don't like being touched!"

And the purple masked turtle forgot about the rule about pushing.

Don't push.

The kitten fell on a small pile of legos and began crying, alerting Mrs. Calabash.

Immediately, a frog yokai child old enough to tattle told Mrs. Calabash what happened.

"Donnie pushed Selene!"

"She touching me!" Donnie argued.

"Donatello, we don't push. Tell her you're sorry."

Donnie, still reeling from the time out he received not even 3 minutes ago, obeyed.

"Sowry!" He said, quickly.

"It otay!" Selene said before toddling off.

"Story time! Whoever wants me to read to them, come to the carpet."

Donnie wanted a story, so he sat down with other children that wanted to hear a story. Other children who wanted to keep playing just kept playing, like Raph, who was playing with his teddy, and Leo, who was riding a tricycle around the room.

Mikey crawled towards his older brother and climbed into his lap. Donnie allowed it. Mikey was usually content during storytime.

As Mrs. Calabash read to the children, Donnie listened intently and Mikey suckled his fingers.

"And the Samarai Rabbit beat the Turducken, and cheers filled the Battle Nexus Arena, so the Rabbit felt at peace, knowing he won his first battle. And the Rabbit lived happily ever after. The end."

Mrs. Calabash noticed Donnie raise his hand. Though difficult to deal with at times, she knew he was curious, like a school aged child.

"Yes, Donnie?"

"Dat's not twue. The Rabbit didn't beat up the Turducken, Wou Jitsu did." The turtle said.

Mrs. Calabash sighed. "Donnie, this is a storybook, not a history book. And Lou Jitsu hasn't fought in the Battle Nexus in years, so you shouldn't take things so seriously."

Donnie pouted, then he decided to get up to do something else...

only to make Mikey tumble to the ground, where the orange masked baby turtle started to wail, more in shock than pain.

"Donatello!"

"I wanted him off my lap!" He argued.

Mrs. Calabash scooped up Donnie and Mikey in her tentacles.

"Your daddy will hear about this, young man. Off to the corner."

Mrs. Calabash once again, placed Donnie in the playpen, then left to comfort Mikey.

Donnie felt frustrated. This was the third time he had gotten in trouble and the second time he'd been to time out.

Daddy was not going to be happy.

A sudden uncomfortable feeling took Donnie from his thoughts and he looked down at his lower region. Disgust grew on his face in a grimace and he began to wail.

When Mrs. Calabash noticed he wouldn't stop crying, and that it wasn't his "I'm in time out" cry, but rather a cry that meant he needed something, she went to him.

Before she could ask what was wrong, she saw that he had unpopped the buttons on his onesie; a habit he did when he was wet. And just to be sure, she checked.

"Oh, my! Looks like somebody needs a dry diaper!" She said, feeling sympathy for the crying tot.

Donnie was given a book to flip through while Mrs. Calabash searched the diaper bag Splinter had given her that morning. Finding the appropriate items for cleaning up "Mister Soggy Pants" that was laying on her changing table was easy, and she got started.

Donnie was distracted by the flip book and paid no attention to her as she cleaned him up. He felt it was quite nice to not be cold and wet "down there".

"All done!" She said, closing the baby powder cap with one tentacle and buttoning up his onesie with another.

Donnie was put down and was allowed to play. He just played alone; it was better than getting in trouble for establishing boundaries.

But not long after, Mrs. Calabash placed him at the snack table. Donnie chose saltine crackers, flavorless juice and some fruit gummies for his snack.

"Nom noms?"

Donnie turned and saw Mikey, with his mouth open; a sign he was asking for a bite of his food.

Donnie gave him a fruit snack and Mikey was content.

Donnie's autism doesn't stop at social cues, it also involves food and sleep.

This snack was all Donnie ate at Daycare. At home, he ate only oatmeal in the morning, had his snack and lunch at daycare (where lunch was a packed plain peanut butter sandwich, 7 cheese crackers and a bottle of formula), and only one bite of whatever Splinter cooked for himself and the two older boys, followed by Donnie's usual dinner at home, which was usually plain macaroni or plain cheese pizza.

Mrs. Calabash prides herself on giving the children a variety of foods to eat at snack time, and plenty of picky eaters that are in her care found at least one thing they liked that wasn't part of their normal diet. But Donnie wasn't a normal child; he was a mutant and not a yokai, he was a breed of turtle that mostly ate meat and vegetation, and he was on the spectrum.

So, Donnie ate his crackers and juice and touched nothing else.

In his mind, not only were most of the things on the snack table inedible because of his condition's natural fear of the unknown, but he also believed they were contaminated by other children's germs.

Mrs. Calabash chalked it up to "we all have wins and we all have losses" and brushed it off. Sooner or later this mutant child will grow out of his pickiness.

After he ate his snack, Donnie walked to the napping area of the room and laid down next to Leo. Mikey laid across him and Leo like a turtle blanket and Raph was their pillow.

It took Donnie no time at all to fall asleep. He may have had trouble falling asleep at night, but naptime was breeze. Mrs. Calabash was happy for that.

"Oh, Donatello..." she said as she turned down the lights and allowed the children to sleep.

[risu5waffles]

If Roppongi Is Six Trees, What's the Word for TEN Fires?

Here we are again, something, something pleasure.

We played these on stream and i just fell in love wiv them. The concept is just so good. Little dioramas clearly conveying the feel of the different story mode stages? Like, that's inspired. And it largely works. There're a few bits here and there where they could have tightened and polished, but it totally works, and i'm surprised it took this long for me to stumble across someone who did it and did it well.

The concept here is cute and funny, and it's another one where i found myself thinking "why haven't i seen someone try something like this sooner"? The execution leaves a little to be desired, tho'. i feel like the course takes you away from the scoreboard to soon and for too long, so you kinda lose that little extra spice that sells you on the play. Still, the race is a solid one, not top-tier, but definitely good and fun. Kuro_96_33 did another really good level that i may take a look at in the future, but that @soupum has covered on his channel, where they go through the basics of level design and how connectors work, wiv a little bit of simple logic (LBP1-era) set-up for good measure (that area's unfortunately broken, but you can leave the level after the basics have been covered). It's really good advice for new creators, and presented clearly (bilingually, no less!), and not in any kind of jerky way. i really enjoyed that one.

Someone on the subreddit asked "hey, how do i get the Simon Says pin", and someone else rec'ed this level, and i thought "hey, i don't have the Simon Says pin either, and now i do, and you could too. i should play wiv state sensors more. i feel like you could get up to all kinds of shenanigans. Maybe next level.

It's a level about K-trucks. i like K-trucks. i have fond memories of riding home from bbq's when we'd visit honeybunny's folks down in Amami. Everyone drunk as hell and piled in the truck bed. i've also got a pretty bad story that didn't directly involve me, but hurt some folx i care a lot about, so maybe i should shut my mouth before i go and make myself sad. Still love k-trucks tho', and this level's a fun little race, so i can't complain about that.

We talked about this on Friday. It's still very much what it is. This particular footage was from before i figured out you could get that score bubble sign, unfortunately, but i was too busy putting out fires to go and swap the videos. Such is life, sometimes.

i really loved this level. Some of the bits were actually kind of tricky, and i was kind of proud of myself that i got them figured out. i feel like it's pretty rare anymore to see these kinds of puzzles; working both the brainmeats, but also actually physically manipulating things. It was super cool to run into this one.

This one was alright enough, i guess? Pretty standard post-MGS DLC kill everything wiv the paintinator platformer. It's fine. Not particularly inspired, but fine. It is a shame it's broken the way it is. The level might not have been top of the pops, but i was having a good enough time wiv it. Just LBP1 things, i guess.

This one's actually surprisingly good. Solid, robust platformer, nicely presented. The enemies are a bit of a mixed bag, but i think that's fairly par for the course for an LBP1 level. It could be a bit tough to make things act wiv dynamism. Not impossible, but i feel like it was a limited palette for the types of enemies you could work in. Still, just looking at them from an objects standpoint, they're nice enough, and that dragon-y thing at the end was pretty cool.

---------------------------------------------------

So that's the ten for this go about. If you missed the last post, i have to write a term paper about why i'm trans, and why i totes need this fucking on-paper diagnosis, and it can't be 5000 words of "because immigration fucked me and won't update my paperwork the way they're supposed to." Actually, i don't know how long it's supposed to be; the nurse didn't specify. She just said "from childhood," and i wanna be, like, "bitch, i am 45 fucking years old. 'From childhood' covers a goddamned lot of goddamned ground by this point." i may be experiencing a little stress.

[thegirlwiththestrangereality]

I went on a rather interesting journey this weekend. My weekend was relatively boring. More boring than I like it to be. But I feel as though I am in this lull of life at the moment. Normally when the lull hits I like to create chaos, to really spice it up - and yet, I don't want to do that. I'd be lying if I said the thought didn't cross my mind, but I don't want to embark on that anymore.

So, my weekend was boring. No one to call, no one to hang out with, just me, my thoughts, my art, my books, and myself. When my weekend got REALLY boring, I decided to make a cake. Mid-cake making my power went out. So that meant no mixer and worse than that no oven. Thank god it went out before I put them in and not during. I don't think that can happen to me anymore - my world is a different vibration now. As I stewed on my power going out, my best friend Amanda told me to get quiet, because perhaps the quiet was exactly what I needed.

I sat in my chair, thinking what could the universe possibly need to tell me, and I began to imagine my next work of art. I envisioned a pair of lips, with fangs, dripping blood and the tongue touching the tooth. I envisioned hearts in the background but I wasn't sure what the BACKground was going to be, but either way, the quiet proved to be of some value.

Earlier that day I had talked to my papa about the scholarship I won to go to Washington D.C. to participate in Latino Advocacy Week at the end of March. He asked if Roman was going to go with me - I said no this was going to be a solo trip. He asked if he bought a ticket to go with me, if he could come. This was such a sweet offer; however, there was this sense of unease that existed between us, the same unease I've felt since I opened the portal that day on my edible. There always feels like there is something lurking in the shadow between us now, like he hurt me but I don't know when or how.

Fast forward to today, Saturday, the same unease was present when I smoked my joint. This joint was half THC and half CBD - a perfect blend of bliss. It allowed me to be physically high without suffering the consequences of floating off in the clouds. This feeling began to consume me as I started drawing the image that existed in my mind from my meditation.

I couldn't shake this feeling so I reached out to Amanda and asked if she was free to talk. After about 20ish minutes Amanda called me and I began to tell her about my fear. I told her that I was feeling this uneasiness and I wasn't sure why. I told her I kept thinking my papa had hurt me and she said he did - but many many lifetimes ago and he's spent all this time trying to fix it. I asked her to remind me that he couldn't hurt me anymore to which she said no, that could never happen again.

I have been caught up on the word special. Special felt like a backhanded compliment, almost like if I weren't special I would never have been hurt. Perhaps if I lived in the shadows no one would ever see me, thus preventing anyone from hurting me again. Oddly enough, I am afraid of the dark. I don't like when the lights go out suddenly. Anytime it is dark I feel this rush to action, to break out of the dark, turn all the lights on and scream so someone knows I am there. Amanda and I talked about the dark for a brief moment and she said cupcake, i love you but i have to go to home depot. but continue to explore this. and she hung up.

I wasn't sure what that meant, other than welp, here I am twiddling my thumbs. lol

I began thinking of my sister's old soccer coach. He was a strange man - I always knew it, I even told my mom one day he must have some weird fetishes. I was right. This soccer coach was a sports better and had an entire company dedicated to the practice. He would get investments from people & have individuals make bets on his behalf. If they won their bet, excellent. If they lost their bet, they would double or nothing the bet about 5 times before it would go to a team captain who would attempt to fix it before it went to the big bosses. There was never anything to lose here, because 1) it wasn't our money and 2) no matter if we won or lost, we got paid.

He got all the soccer moms to join and won them over with his high vocabulary and deep pockets of money. This con-artist and pedophile was no joke. Despite his offhanded comments to the girls every now and again, no one said anything to him, out of fear of losing their money. And yet, everyone knew there was something off about him. And this is when I understood the power of greed. I began feeling guilt in my heart for letting it happen because I was distracted by money. Then she came to me.

My great grandmother Alice came to me and started speaking to me. I couldn't see her like I would a human being in front of me, but I could make out her facial expressions, as well as some scenes she was trying to explain.

She began by telling me that she was too prideful and greedy at the time to ask for help, so she ignored the red flags of the pedophile. I began to realize along the many lifetimes, I have been the molested and the enabler of the molester. I know this sounds strange to the ears of those who are unfamiliar with the concept of multiple lifetimes, then this isn't for you.

She continued sharing with me that she was going through an incredibly difficult time in her life. She didn't go into detail other than the fact, they were poor growing up and all she wanted was to belong. She looked defeated.

She held the belief the secret to happiness was material things. When a man came along with money, he promised her the world and she believed him. But this was at the cost of her daughters. She thought money was loved and ignored the red flags. This is where my nana learned to value money and things. She married someone who would always provide. This ultimately created her obsession with things because her mom taught her that is all men are good for.

This man gave my great grandmother a home with a second bedroom, and he molested my nana. My nana went to her mom and she got mad at her and called her a liar. Her mom turned her back because she didn't want to give up all she had accumulated. This would make her appear a failure to her sisters and to her parents because her mom had warned her about him. Little did she know, this man would leave her after a while, and she would end up with broken daughters, no money, and a broken heart. My nana carried the belief in her life that mom's don't believe their daughters, which is why my nana did not believe my mom.

My nana was molested again by her uncle; but this time, my great grandmother knew of it and had a gang of men beat up her brother for hurting her daughter. My nana didn't tell her mom, but she knew, and she did was she could to make it stop. It did.

My great grandmother explained she had a very hard life and that her soul won't be at rest until my nana passes away and then she can make it right with her. But I can help her transition.

Our line of women had learned to sit in our masculine so the men couldn't hurt us. If we were a giant flame, they would respect us. And by respect us, I mean fear us. We started attracting feminine men because they weren't capable of hurting us. We were too big for them to hurt us physically, but this did leave us open for betrayal because the masculine was weak, and did not have a backbone.

I am unable to fully help my nana yet because I have not tamed the "small" fear within me. The small fear who is afraid of the dark and afraid of men hurting her. The small fear who sits in a corner and cries while the abuse is happening rather than standing up and fighting. This is the other side of the same coin, but a shared core nonetheless.

In order to help humanity I must know the self. And not just this self, but the many selves that have existed before this lifetime. I must understand why people get so lost in the matrix so I can remember to stay out of it.

She let me know I can come to them for happy stories too - that they don't have to be hard work all the time. I can be happy with them as well. She told me I was a brave soul to do this work and that she would be here for me whenever I needed to call on her.

This conversation in my mind took place while I was drawing. I am beginning to understand my art is connected to the spirit realm and I was able to tap into her at this capacity because I got quiet about the art spirit wanted me to draw. The pattern is as follows: it begins with fear, I must ground myself, then I can explore.

This story wasn't one I would feel comfortable sharing with everyone in my life, because it doesn't make sense unless it makes sense and I am ultimately asking some of the people I love to unpack their trauma. That is the equivalent of drugging someone and asking them to embark on the dark night of the soul without their consent.

This information was incredibly helpful and showed me all that I am capable of doing. I am unsure when this will come into play but I do know spirit and I are on the same page.

[pumpkin-spice-whump]

I posted 1,327 times in 2022

That's 1,073 more posts than 2021!

238 posts created (18%)

1,089 posts reblogged (82%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@pumpkin-spice-whump

@quietly-by-myself

@whumpsday

@hold-him-down

@ashintheairlikesnow

I tagged 1,065 of my posts in 2022

Only 20% of my posts had no tags

#van van speaks - 120 posts

#quietly-by-myself - 70 posts

#asks - 63 posts

#847481: jesse - 56 posts

#ashintheairlikesnow - 52 posts

#whumpsday - 51 posts

#my boy kensi - 47 posts

#deluxewhump - 46 posts

#reblog - 42 posts

#hold-him-down - 35 posts

Longest Tag: 123 characters

#it was supposed to get here last week my boyfriends birthday is in four days and its still on the other side of the country

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Caretaker: why didn't you tell me what happened to you before?

Whumpee:

51 notes - Posted July 25, 2022

#4

Reap the Harvest - Part 1

Oh boy a new series! I thought of it like three days ago and it took over my brain.

Thanks to @quietly-by-myself for helping me with research! (i didn't ignore your advice i swear i just needed this scene out of my brain) Also I know next to nothing about medical things so for the majority of this... just suspend your disbelief.

CWs: hospital setting, noncon surgery, amputation, gore, awake during surgery, treating people like property

Masterlist

-----------------------------------

Colin bounced his leg, hands shaking ever so slightly in his lap. He moved them to his sides and clutched the edges of the chair, shivering in the thin hospital gown. The waiting room was always needlessly and annoyingly cold. It usually didn’t bother him, but he was particularly nervous about this procedure.

It was his first time having an arm harvested.

Colin had donated skin, fingers, toes, blood, and bone marrow, but never an entire limb. Well, it was just going to be from the elbow down but still. He was nervous. No, he thought, nervous was too casual of a word. It was stupid but well... He was scared. He was scared like he was the first time getting his blood donated. When donating blood, they would take nearly half of its volume in your body, since it was not exactly needed for his peoples' survival. Still, the next few hours would be spent cold and delirious until their bodies could replenish it. The mere thought had terrified him as a kid, and now it felt totally normal, although a little inconvenient. He would eventually feel the same way about this.

But he couldn't help the fear he felt. Regenerating from having entire limbs taken wasn't as fast as replenishing blood, it could take days -- up to a week! -- and Colin didn’t want to spend that long helpless and in pain.

To his utter embarrassment, he felt tears pricking at his eyes, but he forced them down, glancing at the camera in the corner of the room. He would not show that he was scared, even though he undeniably was. He had enough pride to at least keep it to himself.

When Colin first heard that he was assigned to donate a limb that month he'd done his best to look brave, maybe even confident. He was eighteen years old, and he'd been assigned to have a limb harvested. He was a real adult now, and real adults didn't care about their assignments. They just went through the motions and did their duty.

His parents could tell he was scared, though. Rayleigh and Daniel had sat him down countless times over the month, trying to comfort him and convince him that it really wasn't as bad as he thought. They said that it would hurt, yes, but he would heal and be given time before another big one came his way. It wasn’t the end of the world. He'd regenerate quickly and be okay.

Bridger told him that it would hurt like hell and he’d never be the same again. Their dad had slapped him upside the head and told him to stop being a jerk. But he didn’t deny it.

That scared Colin even more.

It wasn’t so much the thought of the surgery itself as it was the promise of oncoming pain. Anesthesia and painkillers would dull his body's healing properties, so he'd have to go into surgery fully aware and alert. It hurt when his skin was peeled away and fingers were taken, but it was bearable. But his arm? The bones they’d have to break and cut through? That made his stomach cramp up.

And then there was the weirdness of knowing that a large part of him would just be… gone. For days, until a new one grew back. He’d be vulnerable and incomplete and the thought made him more uncomfortable than he cared to admit. 

He had hardly slept at all last night, which was only going to make it worse, but the anticipation of the unknown and large procedure, coupled with not being allowed to eat for hours, made him too sick to sleep. Rayleigh had crawled into bed with him and rubbed his back, reassuring his fears, until he managed to doze off in the early hours of the morning. Bridger woke up at some point in the night and made fun of Colin for needing that, but for once he'd just ignored him. Maybe it was childish, but his mother's presence always helped him feel calm.

After just a couple restless hours, Rayleigh woke him. She and Daniel walked Colin down to the clinic just a few hallways away from the family dorms, leaving with a few words of encouragement and promises to be right there in the recovery room to take him home when the procedure was over. Colin nodded wordlessly, giving a weak smile to his parents before the door was shut.

He'd changed into a gown and had a quick physical by a nurse (the psych eval had been done a few days prior) before having the barcode on the back of his neck scanned and being left in the waiting room... Where he was still waiting at least an hour later, trying to stop his heart from jumping up his throat.

At this point he was hoping that Dr. Malsom would show up and they could just get the whole thing over with.

As if he could read his thoughts, Nurse Blakely appeared at the door. “Colin Sharpe?” he asked, like Colin wasn’t the only person in the room.

He wiped his sweaty hands on his gown and stood up, clearing his throat. “Yes, sir,” he said. His voice trembled.

The nurse motioned for Colin to follow him out the door. His legs felt like jello, but he couldn’t tell if it was from the fear or lack of food. Probably both.

He’d walked this hallway countless times over the past five years, but today it seemed impossibly long and imposing, like it did the first time he’d ever walked it. Then he was only thirteen, nervous but proud to finally be able to do his duty. Parents are encouraged to walk back their children the first couple of times, and he held tightly to Daniel’s arm, trying to put on a brave face but also seconds away from bolting in the other direction.

He almost laughed thinking about how he hadn't really changed.

Blakely opened the doors to one of the many operating rooms at Rockmire Hills, holding it open for Colin before he followed, locking the door. Dr. Malsom stood next to the operating table, conversing lightly with Nurse Kelley. They looked over at Colin and waved him inside, gesturing for him to sit on the operating table. A cart of instruments stood off to his left, but he pointedly avoided looking at it as he lay down.

“How are we feeling, Mr. Sharpe?” Dr. Malsom asked easily.

Colin took a deep breath before answering. “I’m fine,” he lied. His voice was still weak. Probably weaker.

Dr. Malsom and the nurses pulled on masks and caps. “You're okay,” he assured, the nurses strapping Colin down.

See the full post

56 notes - Posted May 14, 2022

#3

sorry i'm late i was doing normal things (I was torturing the captive in my basement with a hot knife to hear his pretty screaming)

103 notes - Posted November 17, 2022

#2

Love how this whole community centers around our shared love of torture but every time someone says they're gonna hurt their characters everyones like "HEY THATS NOT OKAY"

241 notes - Posted February 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Writing is so stupid because you're like it's just putting down words I know words this will be so simple and then it's the most difficult thing you've ever done

22,462 notes - Posted July 26, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[loganthrives]

Okay this fucking hurts for how true it is. TW: suicide.

Had a guy who was part of my D&D group back in highschool. He was the funny friendly guy who would do crazy shit all the time. When I first met him, the first thing he said to me was "You know all those stories you've heard about me? They're all true." And then he got out of the passenger side door when we were in the middle lane at a stoplight to go get something that had flown off out an open window. Like he definitely made an impression lmao.

We weren't close friends really, and he was the kind of loud obnoxious guy at the D&D table, so much so we couldn't get through any RP or planning because he'd barge into the next room irregardless of the monsters inside of it and start huffing dragon spice or something. It was really difficult to actually play the game and eventually our group stopped telling him when games were happening. The last session I saw him at he'd stopped by to give our DM a birthday gift and was clearly offended that he'd been excluded.

I broke up with the boyfriend and he trashed my reputation, so I didn't really keep track of anybody in the group after that assuming that they probably hated me. But I heard from him a couple years later and he sent me an article with a picture of him next to a horrible ATV accident in the woods in the middle of winter. He'd gone to college and become a paramedic. He asked to meet for coffee to catch up so I did.

I was embroiled in my own issues at the time so I didn't recognize the signs. We bitched about exes and I tried to convince him my relationship at the time was healthy (it wasn't - I was mostly trying to convince myself), and it just kind of meandered on like that. I don't remember if he talked any more about the accident. Maybe it was only something that I heard later that it affected him very badly.

A week later he killed himself. Hanging, I believe.

It was really fucked up because no one seemed to see it coming until we compared notes. He went on a lot of one-off coffee dates with a lot of different people. It was a surprise that I was one of them, to me included - I didn't think we left off on any sort of positive note and I'd just assumed that that whole friend group hated me. I was especially upset by it because I'd struggled with depression and suicidal ideation for most of my life at that point, so I feel guilty that I had no idea that was coming.

His name was Gordo and he was a silly, happy, funny guy who cared a lot. And he left us way too soon.

If someone you know in your life is doing a goodbye tour like this, pay attention. They might have a plan.

guy whos not about to kill himself voice: im about to kill myself

guy who is about to kill himself: hey man whats up

[smokeybrandreviews]

I Knew You Were Trouble

Hip Hop is a desert right now and i blame Drake. I have no love for Wheelchair Jimmy and i have been nothing but vocal about that since the dude dropped. Seriously, i remembered hearing Best I Ever Was and thinking to myself, "Really? This is the guy now?" Drake, for me, has never been the innovator. He's never been "That Guy" to me. Dude does nothing great, just well. And, in time, even that became suspect. With all the whispers of ghost writers and OVO literally being just a stable for him to steal from, Drake became even less of a legitimate artist to me. I'm not going to get into the personal sh*t that i just don't care for, mostly the pedo vibes dude gives off, but keep this strictly to his brand, absolutely poisoning the culture. About a month ago, i spoke on how pedestrian For All the Dogs turned out and i got next to no push back, even from the staunchest of Drake fans among my circle. That sh*t was a sub-par effort. So when Scary Hours 3 dropped a few weeks later, with six songs Champagne Pedo had written after the initial release of what most consider his worst album, i just scoffed. This motherf*cker just released paid DLC to push a mediocre record, into the realm of pedestrian, and people were not feeling that sh*t at all. It was surreal to witness because, for once in soft ass, Wheelchair Jimmy's career, people were seeing him for how i always saw him: A Try-Hard cornball, pretending to be someone he wasn't built to be. And that energy gave way to an entire generation of halfwit rappers who don't believe in Hip Hop, who don't believe in the art of the rhyme, and it's left the genre decimated. They're playing f*cking country songs of my hip hop/RnB stations, it's so bad.

Drake was never as good as his peers. Never. Wayne is batter than he is. So was Nicki, Cole, and Kendrick. When you think of the "big names" of his era, when you stack him up against those other contenders, he falls short in every aspect. Drake is the weakest of the "Goats". He's the LeBron of that conversation. He has stats and that's about it. When you look back on those who came before, they are known for something. Big was a storyteller, Pac was a lyricist. Jay had that freestyle and Em was all about the battle. Nas was the teacher and Andre was the artist. Anyone you throw into the conversation as being the greatest, was the epitome of the best at some aspect of rap. What does Drake do that is actually great? What does he do for rap, which you can point to and say, "no one can get him on that?" Not a f*cking thing. Drake is, and always has been, adequate. He's the Taylor Swift of rap. His image, the content of his songs, the way he's constantly crying about women; That's Taylor's formula. Of course he has tons of sales. Of course he has a litany of prepubescent fans. Of course the children love this cats sound, they're children. How many grown ass people are checking for Taylor's juvenile ass songs? I ask the same of Drake. Even the sh*tty Soundcloud rappers have moved on from those nonsense songs. Lil Yachty is a great example of that. He followed Drake's path but, unlike Aubrey, legitimately didn't give a sh*t about the damage he did, until; he did. Lil Boat didn't give a sh*t about anyone's approval and just did what he did because it was fun. And then he grew up. And then he matured. He understood that, at the ripe old age of twenty-six, he was the elder statesmen of his era and treated that sh*t as such. His sound evolved and his music stopped sucking knob. Drake, in direct contrast, is making the same f*cking record he's made since he came into the goddamn game and these youngsters coming up after him, are doing the same sh*t! Drake made it acceptable to suck, long into your career and the entire genre is hurting because of it.

The best thing to come out of the Hip Hop in the last three or four years, is f*cking Ice Spice. Isis Naija Gaston is out here getting double-billing with Nicki Minaj, on the title track for one of the largest film releases, ever. Ice Spice has come out and said she rhymes for idiots. The way she raps, is supposed to be simple, it's supposed to be pedestrian, so it's as accessible to as many people as possible. As a grown ass man who grew up on Nas, Outkast, and Eminem, this sh*t is disgusting to me. Raps has always been about delivering knowledge, in a way that is both clever and musical. At it's core, Hip Hop is the exorcism of out cultural demons, put to a beat, and Ice Spice basically said, "Nah, I'm cooning out here for dollars." She basically just said "White kids buy Jordans, too" and that's the effect Drake has had on the entire industry. Whether i like it or not, Drake was the biggest thing in rap for close to a decade, and he did it by selling those Js to all the white kids who would buy them. That's the Taylor Swift Method and he executed that sh*t to a tee. I touched on this a while ago but the only album that had any semblance of a creative flair he's released, Take Care, was a whole ass Weeknd album that got left behind when man figured out signing to OVO was a scam. Drake took that and dropped the best sh*t he's ever made, and it wasn't even his sound. It wasn't even his record. It's that disrespect to the genre, that haphazard approach to making music, which has permeated throughout the genre and Aubrey f*cking Graham is to blame for that sh*t.

[smokeybrand]

I Knew You Were Trouble

Hip Hop is a desert right now and i blame Drake. I have no love for Wheelchair Jimmy and i have been nothing but vocal about that since the dude dropped. Seriously, i remembered hearing Best I Ever Was and thinking to myself, "Really? This is the guy now?" Drake, for me, has never been the innovator. He's never been "That Guy" to me. Dude does nothing great, just well. And, in time, even that became suspect. With all the whispers of ghost writers and OVO literally being just a stable for him to steal from, Drake became even less of a legitimate artist to me. I'm not going to get into the personal sh*t that i just don't care for, mostly the pedo vibes dude gives off, but keep this strictly to his brand, absolutely poisoning the culture. About a month ago, i spoke on how pedestrian For All the Dogs turned out and i got next to no push back, even from the staunchest of Drake fans among my circle. That sh*t was a sub-par effort. So when Scary Hours 3 dropped a few weeks later, with six songs Champagne Pedo had written after the initial release of what most consider his worst album, i just scoffed. This motherf*cker just released paid DLC to push a mediocre record, into the realm of pedestrian, and people were not feeling that sh*t at all. It was surreal to witness because, for once in soft ass, Wheelchair Jimmy's career, people were seeing him for how i always saw him: A Try-Hard cornball, pretending to be someone he wasn't built to be. And that energy gave way to an entire generation of halfwit rappers who don't believe in Hip Hop, who don't believe in the art of the rhyme, and it's left the genre decimated. They're playing f*cking country songs of my hip hop/RnB stations, it's so bad.

Drake was never as good as his peers. Never. Wayne is batter than he is. So was Nicki, Cole, and Kendrick. When you think of the "big names" of his era, when you stack him up against those other contenders, he falls short in every aspect. Drake is the weakest of the "Goats". He's the LeBron of that conversation. He has stats and that's about it. When you look back on those who came before, they are known for something. Big was a storyteller, Pac was a lyricist. Jay had that freestyle and Em was all about the battle. Nas was the teacher and Andre was the artist. Anyone you throw into the conversation as being the greatest, was the epitome of the best at some aspect of rap. What does Drake do that is actually great? What does he do for rap, which you can point to and say, "no one can get him on that?" Not a f*cking thing. Drake is, and always has been, adequate. He's the Taylor Swift of rap. His image, the content of his songs, the way he's constantly crying about women; That's Taylor's formula. Of course he has tons of sales. Of course he has a litany of prepubescent fans. Of course the children love this cats sound, they're children. How many grown ass people are checking for Taylor's juvenile ass songs? I ask the same of Drake. Even the sh*tty Soundcloud rappers have moved on from those nonsense songs. Lil Yachty is a great example of that. He followed Drake's path but, unlike Aubrey, legitimately didn't give a sh*t about the damage he did, until; he did. Lil Boat didn't give a sh*t about anyone's approval and just did what he did because it was fun. And then he grew up. And then he matured. He understood that, at the ripe old age of twenty-six, he was the elder statesmen of his era and treated that sh*t as such. His sound evolved and his music stopped sucking knob. Drake, in direct contrast, is making the same f*cking record he's made since he came into the goddamn game and these youngsters coming up after him, are doing the same sh*t! Drake made it acceptable to suck, long into your career and the entire genre is hurting because of it.

The best thing to come out of the Hip Hop in the last three or four years, is f*cking Ice Spice. Isis Naija Gaston is out here getting double-billing with Nicki Minaj, on the title track for one of the largest film releases, ever. Ice Spice has come out and said she rhymes for idiots. The way she raps, is supposed to be simple, it's supposed to be pedestrian, so it's as accessible to as many people as possible. As a grown ass man who grew up on Nas, Outkast, and Eminem, this sh*t is disgusting to me. Raps has always been about delivering knowledge, in a way that is both clever and musical. At it's core, Hip Hop is the exorcism of out cultural demons, put to a beat, and Ice Spice basically said, "Nah, I'm cooning out here for dollars." She basically just said "White kids buy Jordans, too" and that's the effect Drake has had on the entire industry. Whether i like it or not, Drake was the biggest thing in rap for close to a decade, and he did it by selling those Js to all the white kids who would buy them. That's the Taylor Swift Method and he executed that sh*t to a tee. I touched on this a while ago but the only album that had any semblance of a creative flair he's released, Take Care, was a whole ass Weeknd album that got left behind when man figured out signing to OVO was a scam. Drake took that and dropped the best sh*t he's ever made, and it wasn't even his sound. It wasn't even his record. It's that disrespect to the genre, that haphazard approach to making music, which has permeated throughout the genre and Aubrey f*cking Graham is to blame for that sh*t.