#tldr i. have emotions

[fourteenfifteen]

ficlet based off pld24!! big spoilers do not click unless you want to be big spoiled

also cw for discussion and depiction of death and for canon typical gross stuff (iykyk)

she doesn’t have to say it. words for a long time have not been everything for them. she steps into belgard’s hollow center, and the silks inside her shift like a sigh. “are you sure?” she asks into signet’s head.

signet reaches. takes a stretch of fabric into her hand, steps easily out into thin air and lets it catch her. the silks go to her, just barely manipulated into her hands, nothing anyone else could see.

she leans back, back, and belgard catches her. drapes around her, until everything is red silk. “they need me still.”

“they don’t have to.” the fabric ripples around her. “you can… let them figure it out. you can say no.”

signet closes her eyes. “there’s more i can do.”

“you don’t have to.”

“i know,” she says, and she does. a hard won lesson, that she could let herself be. “still. there’s- i can help. things are getting worse again.”

she breathes, steadying. “i’m worried, belgard. that they’d bring you back if they found you. the cadent thinks the same.”

instead of words, belgard gives her feelings: sympathy and sadness and a desire to reassure.

“i know you’d be okay,” signet says. “that isn’t the point. i don’t- who knows what they’d do to you. and- and none of the rest of them deserve that either. there should be a way for anyone who wants an ending to have it.”

a bit of silk stretches in to graze her cheek. “and your ending?”

“the waking cadent said,” she starts, “that she and i will have to become one being. and that i will need to die for that to happen. so some part of me-“

“right.”

“and i won’t be alone,” she says quietly. “i… i’ll want for you still. your companionship. but it won’t be like when i lost you before.”

there’s a long pause. “if you’re sure.”

~

belgard dies first. the waking cadent takes her apart, precisely powering her down and removing the parts of her that were her. belgard doesn’t feel pain exactly, but signet can feel the changes in her psyche, feel her shift and weaken down to nothing.

(it’s painful to have said their goodbyes. strange, too, when belgard’s first death had still left her semi-conscious and semi-present. she is gone, and signet can feed her absence.)

when belgard’s last sensors go down, they entomb her. the resting places they’ve set out on palisade’s moon are mostly more accessible than this, just in case there is a true emergency. for belgard, though, they put stone around her until even signet barely knows where she is. the only marker is a little gap, leading into the dark cockpit, the silks truly still for once.

after she’s gone, really gone, the waking cadent looks to signet. she reaches out a hand and in it forms a blade of ice. “are you ready, excerpt?”

“i’m not an excerpt anymore,” she says.

“of course not. you’re divine yourself.”

signet rolls her eyes. “yes, i’m ready.”

she closes her eyes. the cadent moves swiftly- signet barely feels herself be cleft in two.

~

the fleet had taken things from her before. digits and limbs and organs lost in belgard’s maintenance, detritus from her long life turned into relics. it isn’t the first time, then, that she’s come to looking through a new set of eyes. somehow, though, she can feel the difference.

are you there, excerpt? the waking cadent thinks to her.

must we use titles for each other? signet thinks back. or even names? it’s just us here.

of course. the waking cadent sounds amused. even that may be… inaccurate in its implied distinction.

her corpse looks like any other. the process of being subsumed into the waking cadent has taken longer than she expected, perhaps, because her blood and viscera has soaked into the stone a bit. her hair is matted with it.

they laboriously pick up the two halves. spare blood drips after them as they carry it over to the hole in the tomb.

any words? the waking cadent asks.

she drops the corpse in. she imagines it there, settled in among the streaming lengths of red silk like it was its nest. then, she reaches down and pulls the hatch shut.

i guess not.

[royalarchivist]

Jaiden: Cucurucho, you have a lot of power, right?

Cucurucho: ...I don't know. Maybe.

Roier: Ah... Yes, you know, don't act like a dumbass, you have it. You have it, man. Eh?

Jaiden: Is there a way for us to protect all the Eggs? Do you know? I don't want anything to happen to the Eggs that happened to Bobby.

Cucurucho: Ha ha ha

Roier: WHAT? [Smacks Cucurucho]

Jaiden: [Bops him] Headpats.

Cucurucho: Maybe.

Jaiden: [Continues to bop him] Headpats. C'mon, I can get it out of you! Headpats! Chin scratches! Belly rubs!

Roier: [Joins Jaiden in bopping Cucurucho, chuckling and laughs]

Jaiden: Yeah? He's comin' around!

[Jaiden and Roier both laugh]

[transsongtaewon]

I think the way baby Yoohyun cried is sooo cute, especially since it was all crocodile tears. Here is this tiny little guy deciding to get his way by crying because he saw it on tv and then his hyung, also a tiny little guy, starts crying too because he was so startled and itty bitty Yoohyun never anticipated that reaction so he just sort of stops crying so hyung will stop crying and this was never meant to end this way.

[millidew]

maizuru and milsiril are my favorite fucked up dungeon meshi mother figures

[hand-of-devotion]

I keep rotating certain aspects of the Evontra'vir-Ashton conversation and there's one specific thing I see other people taking away from it that is lacking a certain amount of nuance that stuck with me.

Specifically in regards to Ashton's views and how they parallel his fathers.

It should be obvious to everyone at this point that Ashton's stubborn hypocritical "refusal to the call" rooted in his anti divine/fate beliefs need some genuine reflection. They are important and they are aware of it but they don't want any of the hard to grapple with things associated. He needs to think about what it is he can actually do moving forward rather than getting caught up in what he feels he's owed.

However! One very important thing that I keep seeing others ignore or maybe just not even pick up on is THIS.

Efterin's entitlement came from his own zealots ego. The powers he believed he was promised an understanding and control over were NEVER his.

Ashton's entitlement towards the situation is rooted in what was done TO him. Those powers are in fact his. They have been there since he was a child due to a ritual he had no say in. That ritual physically altered his body and killed off nearly everyone in his entire village.

Which. Again. Just because they HAVE those powers doesn't mean they were ever guaranteed mastery over them. Certainly not without putting in effort. It has never been a "gift", even if part of them wishes it was. There is likely never going to be a reality in which the full-blown titan level abilities just ACTIVATE for him with full ease. Moving forward. He has a base level of info. Which he likely didn't find satisfying (but given the situation, there was never really a "satisfying" answer). Now they need to just. Look forward and inward. Make some changes if they want some changes.

But yeah. At the end of the day. Regardless of parallels and a real need for character reflection and growth. Saying that Ashton is "the same" as Efterin seems. Fairly reductive, all things considered.

[radio-writes]

These asks seemed similar to me so I thought I'd tackle them in one go.

What I think of Alastor The Radio Demon

I've never really done a character analysis before so I'm not sure how to go about it. Honestly, I had to rewrite this several times to trim it down. 

I put little footnotes here and there for parts that I think ruined the flow of thought, and weren't essential but still figured were worth a mention. Corresponding footnotes can be found below the lower divider for any interested.

The way I see Alastor, and how I try to write him, is that he's smart—terrifyingly so—and emotional. 

I mean we all know he's basically a textbook manipulator. He's charming, great at reading people, and brilliant enough to know exactly what to say and when to say it. 

He's so gifted at charming people that a fair portion of the fandom's basically head over heels for him—despite the fact that based on what we've seen in the series, he's an objectively despicable person.

And he's so good at manipulating people that, again, a huge portion of the fandom thinks he actually sees the hotel gang as friends/family now. Hell—a lot of people even believed him when he said he cared for Charlie like a daughter.

Add his brains and his skill of wrapping people around his clawed finger, to his god-complex1 and selfishness, and what you'll see is that, on paper, he should absolutely be the big bad of the show.

Except...he currently isn't; and I don't think he will be although it would surely be fun to see how that would go.

Because as much as he is terrifyingly evil, he is also, extremely driven by his emotions.

I know it sounds like a bit of an ass-pull.

Alastor being emotional? The same demon that doesn't drop his smile even when having a whole mental breakdown? The same demon who doesn't bat an eye at a hotel patron dying?

Well, yes. Because there's more to feelings other than sadness and love and care.

There's anger, there's hope, there's desperation, there's pride, there's hate.

And I think Alastor is absolutely driven by these and more.

As said by the most darling, delightful, dangerous overlord over one side of the pentagram,

"words are cheap, but actions, they speak the truth."

As much as Alastor wants to think he's in control, we've seen his emotions come first before rational thinking. 

His pride has absolutely taken over him. He thinks he's above it all, untouchable, unreachable. Because he's so clever, so strong, so charming, and it has more or less gotten him everything he's wanted.

But it's this pride of his that has also lead to his most glaring flaws.

Alastor's first instinct was to lower Lucifer in any way that he could—leverage whatever he did have that Lucifer didn't (height, a relationship with Charlie etc.). Because Al knew that Lucifer was inherently stronger than him, better than him—and he hated that.

His pride couldn't stand the blow, and that—along with feelings of irritation and likely insecurity— is what drove his actions for most of that episode; overtaking even his usually smart wits.2

But it's not just negative emotions.

If Alastor being a mama's boy is still canon, then even his relationships are steered by emotions too, whether he's aware of it or not.

His love for his mother influences his biases towards women. How he judges and approaches them miles more fairly than he does men.

Hell, his whole persona—the transatlantic accent, the radio theme, the over the top silly jokes, his laugh even!—all a by product of his passion for being a radio host.

But why does being emotional mean Alastor won't be the antagonist in the show, you ask?

Well because, being emotional is such a humane thing. It shows weakness, vulnerability. Something the show has often used as leeway to develop and redeem its characters.

While I don't think Alastor has the best intentions coming into the hotel—or even at the point of the season 1 finale really—I do think him being this emotional of a person shows that there is some chance of him genuinely growing fond of the gang, and then settling into the found family at some point in the future.

It may not be a conscious choice, it may take some pushing and pulling, it may take the whole run of the series, but Alastor is capable of caring. And when he feels something he feels it to a point past his own rational thinking.

Would love to see him try to betray the hotel though as some last minute attempt to maintain an evil persona.

Now this doesn't exactly mean I can see Alastor ascending into heaven not unless they drag him kicking and screaming.3 But I do think that in the end, he'll find some sort of other form of "redemption," one that he would actually like.

Perhaps it's coming to terms with the fact that he is mortal and that is okay and it doesn't mean he's any weaker or any lesser. And that even if it did, it shouldn't matter.

Honestly, I'd be more terrified of him once he's come to that point. The only weakness Alastor right now has—aside from whatever deal it is that he made—is his ego.

You could probably get away or manipulate him back if you struck at it, but once he's all done with hotel therapy time and has his emotions under control? That man's going to be unstoppable and I fear for all of hell.

Maybe Charlie should let him keep his issues after all?

1 I find Alastor's god-complex extremely ironic. Oh, he definitely has it. My best guess is that it stemmed from his serial killing days.

If the previous source saying that he killed on a weird moral code (not unlike Dexter) still holds water, then he probably saw himself as some god doing such good work for the people. Judging criminals and delivering punishment.

This whole, "I'm so strong and untouchable even amongst criminals" mentality of his was probably egged on when he got into Hell and he was able to take down big bad overlords with ease. That definitely fed his ego nicely.

Now I say I find it ironic because well, he thinks he's so above it all. So perfect and pristine—nothing like all those other sinners. He doesn't care for senseless killing or stealing jewelry or sex, no he's so much better than that, isn't he?

Well, the way I see it, he's really no different.

*cue angry radio noises*

He cares so much for all the material and outwardly things. Sure, it's not to brag or to be sexy, but you can't tell me that fucker isn't just as vain as say, someone like Velvette.

He'd probably freak if anyone caught him outside of his well tailored suits and impeccable posture. 

To Alastor, image and public opinion must mean so much more than he's willing to admit.

And all that killing the bad guys, killing the criminals, killing the scum of the earth. Oh let's not pretend he does it out of any other reason aside from the fact that he loves it. 

It's an act for power for him, not actually done to protect anybody.

And considering he eats most of his victims now, I'd say he's actually below your average criminal.

On sex—well, fine. He can have that one, I suppose.

But still, the irony that this man thinks he's so above your common everyday sinner is just hilarious to me, because he's exactly just like them.

2 I have seen people say that this is yet another one of Alastor's cleverly planned schemes. That he kept pushing only because he was confident Lucifer wouldn't smite someone Charlie cared about. Which, sure, I could see that being the case later on in their interactions.

But as an introduction? An opening line? When he didn't know Lucifer's temperament, and Lucifer didn't know how much Charlie valued/cared for Al?

No. I genuinely think, that this was purely a gamble on Alastor's part. A slip, a jab that he just had to make to save his own pride.

3 Personally, while I absolutely love all the angelic designs of Al, I really do not want him up in heaven unless it's for comedic purposes or he's grocery shopping for angel meat.

Dude was a serial killer. Granted, he killed criminals. But I've never been a fan of vigilante killings. I mean, who's to say the person he killed actually did the crime though? What if it had been someone who was actually innocent?

And even if they weren't, can you imagine if he killed your parent in your lifetime for say, stealing some bread to feed you? And you're just chilling in heaven and all of a sudden your parent's murderer is redeemed while your parent still rotted in Hell?

I would just start a riot right then and there, damnation be damned.

Besides, red suits Alastor best, anyway.

Tagging @cofeedaifuku because they were the only one out of the three that weren't on anon. Hope my fellow vien and the other anon find this answer anyway.

[daz4i]

how many times do we gotta go over it man. thought crime isn't real. it's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. don't let anyone make you feel guilty for having some reflex reaction to stimuli in a way that is out of your control. the question isn't what you think or how you feel, but what you do. do you act upon those thoughts? do you harm others bc of your feelings? that's where you draw the line. keep it in your brain. vent it out in some personal way like a journal or a password locked blog. it's okay i promise

[kxmpfflieger]

I wish to be upfront about a few things

Hey gang, let's have a talk about the future of this account.

In truth, I no longer wish to associate myself with the history community, specifically the Great War subsection I've actively participated in for the last (three-ish?) years.

I'm going to be blunt and say that it is because of the people I've come across. This place is a minefield, and every second mine that blows up in your face starts a chain reaction worse than the last. Its terrible. Ive hated it. And my only mistake has been not openly stepping down a year ago like I originally wanted. There's been a LOT of unsavory characters that I have followed and supported unknowingly, and people that I've just encountered out in the wild that just made me sick to my stomach. Despite my better judgement, I've persisted, but I recognise the toll it has taken on my mental health is really not worth any of this.

To add insult to injury, actively being in the history community has made me scared of engaging with other communities in fear of being ousted for the stigma WW/Imperial Germany art can carry in general, and its become a problem the more I've grown tired and fallen out of love with this material.

I wish to branch out, I don't want to be associated with this community anymore because of the shit I've seen and how insensitive and out-of-touch a lot of the people seem to be about such serious subjects.

My relationship with Martyrs is definitely not what it used to be, same goes for the "source material". I wish I could tell you a few bad apples didnt spoil the basket, but they did. In truth, I've lost the love I held for it.

A mix of the rancid experiences I've had with the community this past year, combined with the fact publishing comics as a One Man Team is something I wouldn't wish upon anyone (burnout, impostor syndrome, having to deal with carpal tunnel for the rest of my life now partially because of it, off the top of my head).

I don't want to drop the comic nor the characters I've made, developed and invested myself in for the past two years of my life. I need time to heal my relationship with my art, Martyrs in its entirety, and just broaden my horizons with other fandoms instead of limiting myself to one thing. I will not abandon what I've worked so hard for, but I need time to pull myself back up.

I don't plan on stopping art of the characters entirely. But please be aware that if that was the only content you followed me for, you will have to deal with lots of other unrelated stuff from now on.

Getting myself lost in the absolute minefield this place is (the ww community) is not something I wish to do again. I dont want to be considered a member of it. I want to be an outsider occasionally dropping by. Only surface level stuff with art of my characters and comic, that's it.

I'm grateful for the connections and the wonderful close friends I've made. For all the lovely fan-works and words of love and endorsement I've received. But I need to take better care of myself, and there are very clear and specific steps I need to take to do so. I debated making this post in the first place and just phasing out ww art out slowly overtime, but doing so didnt feel right.

If you wish to unfollow me after this, please go ahead. You're not obligated to stay, nor am I obligated to keep you here. Thank you for sharing this journey with me for the past two years.

[sanjism]

i really love that zoro doesn't have a super traumatizing backstory, unlike his counterparts in other anime series whose stoic demeanor is attributed to experiencing immense hardship as a kid. zoro is just a less emotional guy, doesn't need an explanation

[zymstarz]

yeah sure that's how i'll [re]come out

[shiroselia]

Play 13 Sentinels I am no longer asking

[k-is-for-potassium]

ugh i wanna paint my nails black and wear dark eye makeup and cut my hair short and shaggy and have bangs or fringe and DYE my hair and shop at hot topic and wear baggy clothes and cargo pants and have cool accessories like belts and hats and pride pins and wear tshirts from bands i like and NOT be asked to name five songs and wear converse and get them dirty and customize them and cover them in doodles and not be regarded by my parents and relatives as a perfect child because im not. im not perfect. im messy and broken and i just want to express myself, free of judgement and disapproval and backwards glances and just. be. me.

[abirddogmoment]

some thoughts about the pressures of trialing in dog sports and the emotional environment of trials, partially inspired by this post by the beautiful @mongrelization

this post happened to come at a time when I was at a decision point in my trial career with mav. he had just started refusing jumps (i thought it was a training issue at the time, i now know he was in pain) and he wasn't having fun. we were disconnected in the ring, with him choosing to go visit friends or just blow past obstacles without attempting them. it was frustrating and it was such a stark contrast from our training runs (not flawless but immeasurably better than our performances in the ring) and i was making jokes (as everyone does!) about mav being the worst, etc, etc.

except they weren't jokes.

they sounded like jokes and they even felt like jokes in the moment, but looking back i can confidently see that i was frustrated and resentful and the "lighthearted jokes" from other competitors and from myself were just fueling the fire. i saw darcies post shortly after a particularly frustrating trial where we just couldn't connect, i was trying to decide whether to push through and fix our issues or give up completely on agility.

her post wasn't an epiphany, i probably would've gotten there eventually, but her post that said, essentially hey its fucked up to make those jokes about your dog and its fucked up for people to make those jokes about your dog and thats not how a trial should be - something clicked. its NOT how it should be.

i took a break from trialing in everything and cut training way back and just took all the pressure off of mav while i got my internal emotional environment back on track. im a really competitive person and its hard to consciously dial that back, but more than that, it's legitimately embarrassing when things go wrong with people watching you. if your default is humor about it (like mine), its a hard shift to not make jokes about your dog when things go wrong. but its an important and necessary shift.

i started trialing him again after about 3 months off, very lightly. i stopped entering full weekends and opted to do half-days or only saturdays and he fucking THRIVED. i made time to meet all his needs before trials, i prioritized his happiness over technically correct courses, and i got over the embarrassment of excusing myself from a run if it was going downhill. i fixed my internal emotional environment and that fixed our disconnect and made every win more meaningful.

the thing is, i am 100% sure i would not have fixed my emotional environment if i was actively competing and practicing the same patterns. i absolutely had to take that step back to fix myself. you can't make meaningful change if youre still in the middle of it acting it out.

i lost out on trials with mav and that sucked so much in the moment. i had awful FOMO watching my friends compete and finish titles while we did little low-pressure walks at home. but ultimately i gained something so much more important, and looking back i can't bring myself to regret that at all.

[doom-dreaming]

am i the weird one for not wanting to hear about how long people have been "trying for a baby" ? like does that make me weird? or is everyone else weird for being so fixated on it

[arkiwii]

I personally don't think that an offensive Saria represents a bad end, but rather a good end, where she stops relying on only herself, and trusts that after all this time that the people she's trying to protect can actually protect themselves, that she's not the only one wanting to correct the mistakes they made with Rhine. That she doesn't *have* to be the lone shield protecting everyone.

It would depend on the context of the alter then, either she goes bersek, either she learns from it

But an entirely offensive one, like a DPS Guard? That feels too stubborn even if it's that she realized she can trust the ones she cares about, Saria is naturally someone who is strategical and always think in battle rather than throwing hands without thoughts

Something like another kind of Defender (Dualist for exemple) or a Supporter/Specialist would, I think, fit way better for that kind of scenario. Something that would allow her to have a synergy and gives buff/boosts to other operators, maybe just Rhine Lab operators. She doesn't have to be the only one to protect everyone, yes, but she doesn't have to fight alone neither! The best possibility would be if she can have a perfect niche along other Rhine Lab operators

[tmgmrk]

Finally made a header and gave in to my urges to make 5sos merch. Most of my art is actually inspired by their music even if you can't tell, like, at all, haha. The mysteries of life. (冫༵、)