#bc relatable. be fueled by the desire to be better than the fuck-ups before you <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[hand-of-devotion]

I keep rotating certain aspects of the Evontra'vir-Ashton conversation and there's one specific thing I see other people taking away from it that is lacking a certain amount of nuance that stuck with me.

Specifically in regards to Ashton's views and how they parallel his fathers.

It should be obvious to everyone at this point that Ashton's stubborn hypocritical "refusal to the call" rooted in his anti divine/fate beliefs need some genuine reflection. They are important and they are aware of it but they don't want any of the hard to grapple with things associated. He needs to think about what it is he can actually do moving forward rather than getting caught up in what he feels he's owed.

However! One very important thing that I keep seeing others ignore or maybe just not even pick up on is THIS.

Efterin's entitlement came from his own zealots ego. The powers he believed he was promised an understanding and control over were NEVER his.

Ashton's entitlement towards the situation is rooted in what was done TO him. Those powers are in fact his. They have been there since he was a child due to a ritual he had no say in. That ritual physically altered his body and killed off nearly everyone in his entire village.

Which. Again. Just because they HAVE those powers doesn't mean they were ever guaranteed mastery over them. Certainly not without putting in effort. It has never been a "gift", even if part of them wishes it was. There is likely never going to be a reality in which the full-blown titan level abilities just ACTIVATE for him with full ease. Moving forward. He has a base level of info. Which he likely didn't find satisfying (but given the situation, there was never really a "satisfying" answer). Now they need to just. Look forward and inward. Make some changes if they want some changes.

But yeah. At the end of the day. Regardless of parallels and a real need for character reflection and growth. Saying that Ashton is "the same" as Efterin seems. Fairly reductive, all things considered.

[thedeviljudges]

i wanted to know your feelings on barb holland dying vs. billy hargrove. (not that it's a competition between them just i know there was a lot of 'justice for barb' after s1). tbh we didn't really get to know barb that same way we got to know billy or really anyone else with a name the starts with b and died for that matter. and i know people are trying to come up with theories that he's the american (ie: his doppelgänger being the real him). just interested in your thoughts.

this is kind of a complicated topic bc as you said, there was a lot of fans involved with ‘justice for barb’ and how strongly they felt for her only through a few episodes. still to the point where they continue making merch for her despite her not having been apart of the show for well over 3 years now.

anyway, to the point. i don’t really have a direction for this conversation, so i’m just gonna spit out a lot of different thoughts. just sort of stream of consciousness style.

it’s true that we didn’t get to really know barb. when you really look at it in comparison to billy, i do feel we know more about him. however, there’s a lot of context clues when it comes to barb. there are for billy, too, but i just mean that it’s sort of easy to draw upon who barb was as a person, or at least some of her background. what was given to us in the show... i think people resonated with because barb was nancy’s friend who was pushed to the side for a boy. it led to a change in dynamics and her friend pushing her away in favor of steve. not to say they shouldn’t grow up (and we see this situation with will wanting to remain with the party while will and lucas, and even dustin to some extent, are involved with girls), but nancy kind of pulled a very cliche move in which she treated barb kinda like shit, especially during the pool scene before she died. i know for me, it hit home given i’ve always been the...... lesser friend of the bunch. like, you get to enjoy certain situations by being with your friends until they abandon you. they drop you and don’t communicate with you because they found a boy to hang with or a new friend. nancy is flawed, and i do dislike her a lot, but i’m just saying it’s very teenager of her to pull that and for people to relate because barb didn’t do anything wrong. she tried to look out for her friend. she just wanted to study and make it through high school with her best friend without those dynamics changing, without nancy changing who she was as a person for a boy. that imo is very relatable.

i will also say that when i watched st1, i did so about a month or two before st2 aired. i didn’t know anything about the show. i didn’t even know billy was going to be a character. i literally knew jack shit except the show had kids in it. i say this because when i was watching st1, i fully expected barb to come back—not in st2 but by the end of st1. like, i thought she’d make an appearance. i thought she’d have another scene with nancy in some way letting her know something was amiss. maybe that’s just my poor viewing skills, but it really felt like they left something to be desired with barb?? i mean, they search for her and realized she’s dead, but i don’t know. after she was dragged into the pool, i thought there’d at least be something to wrap up her storyline.

now with billy—he was supposed to be barb 2.0. his storyline in st3 (well, let’s be real. will’s storyline in st2 was meant for billy), but because they couldn’t fit it in, they left his death plot for st3. which meant the dbags had to do more world building for billy (the horror!!!!!!!!!!!) because he was never planned to be around that long anyway. also meaning, his character would’ve had it worse than barb because if they had stuck with his original plot line into st2, we never would’ve gotten the scene with neil (courtesy of dacre). he would’ve just been another kid that died. a bully at that. i don’t think there would’ve been any justice campaigns because we would’ve really gotten a bland character. the only reason billy is even mildly interesting in st2 is because of steve and because of the accidental queer coding. on paper, billy is bland as fuck in comparison to barb if you look at his episodes prior to the scene with his dad (ok not so bland because next to steve, that’s something else, but i hope you get what i mean here. he tries to push steve around. that’s it. there’s no other reveal about him).

st3 for billy tried to give him more of a (failed) redeeming story, which then leveled him out and put him on par(-ish) with barb. so you’re right. it’s not really a competition, but it boils down to the fact that because of the way st2 came out, and the absolute need to give billy something more than just being a bully to fuel the plot of st3, there had to be more backstory. there were more episodes to do that with than there were for barb, which is why we know more about him than her. however, barb already started out well-established based on those context clues, whereas billy’s was never really established to begin with until the dbags forced their own hand.

i like barb tbh. i can understand why people miss her. she’s relatable. so is billy, but i think people view abuse, neglect and bullying as much darker and therefore, not willing to explore the depths of it in comparison to the feelings of not being chosen over a boy. i’m not quite sure how to explain this, but barb’s situation is much ‘lighter’ and safer while billy’s is full of dark nuances and gray areas that people just don’t really wanna touch.

barb got justice for who she was and was already established to be. billy didn’t get that, not really, because the dbags hadn’t planned to keep him around and tried to switch his original narrative with a lousy, half thought out plot so that he could earn the justice that barb got from the beginning. sucks to see how much that didn’t really pan out. (by justice, i mean that barb was taken unfairly and earned a spot in character’s minds as a good person. billy never would’ve had that..... well shit. he still doesn’t have it despite his plot, lbr).

so that’s what’s kinda in my head. barb and billy both deserved better at the end of the day. i hope they’re in the upside down helping each other survive, lmao.

[thechocoboos]

Chocobros + Ravus as Students

here are some headcanons--i’ve been working on them for a bit. enjoy!

Noctis

Bored. Bored bored. He is very bored, all the time

Has no fear of being late to class, so he leisurely strolls to class with his mind on other things

Or at least, he pretends not to

In saying that, he is never late. No one knows how.

In reality, he’s used warping multiple times to go in through the windows (only a few students see it, but no one ever believes them)

Ignis once caught sight of Noctis hanging off a window outside his class, begging him to open the window. He didn’t.

Procrastinates like fuckin crazy

If there was an olympic sport for it, he would probs get a gold medal unless he decided to do it later ofc

He’s that bastard who barely studies but does just fuckin fine

His favorite class is actually language arts, surprisingly

He enjoys analyzing literature and whatnot, although he absolutely hates writing essays for it

Contrary to what one might think, he doesn’t sleep in class. He wants to, but he doesnt

Still, that doesn’t mean he pays attention

He zones out a lot

Teachers try to pick on him to speak when they think he doesn’t know the answer, but he always gets it right (once again, no one knows how)

Doodles out of boredom in the margins of his notes

I mentioned that he doesn’t sleep during class, but he does sleep during lunch and guided study type of periods

You can often find him the library

He likes to sneak in naps between shelves

Sometimes you can catch sight of him lounging somewhere on a bench, an open book resting over his eyes

Prompto

He tries oh my lord

He tries SO HARD

He studies like crazy to the best of his abilities, he raises his hand when he can in class (despite the massive anxiety it causes), HE JUST TRIES SO HARD OH MY GOD

But he still doesn’t always do so hot

He’s the student who studies for 3 hours each night leading up to an exam and still gets a 63

He cries every time

Is fueled by caffeine and pure anxiety

He, too, doodles in the corners of his notes and zones out sometimes

Despite his poor test grades, Prom is actually really smart

He just has really, really bad testing anxiety

Pop quizzes make him cry

Tries to keep a planner for classes but forgets to write in them

He makes lists of the things he has to do for hw on the back of his hand

Teachers like him a lot, they see the spark of curiosity in his eyes and the eagerness in how he raises his hand and are happy to see his genuine curiosity (at least, in the classes he likes)

Speaking of classes

He hates math. It’s boring, doesn’t make sense, and makes his head hurt

However, he does like science

He loves learning how things work and he always has the most specific, odd questions for his science teachers

LOVES his art classes

He sometimes tries to take more than one art class a semester but it usually doesnt fit into his schedules

He’s not great at 2D art in them, but he outshines everything in photography

After his photography class, his 3D sculpting class is his fave

He likes to mold things with his hands and create something 3D, despite the fact that they don’t always come out great

Overall, he does his best as a student (for the most part)

Ignis

Every teacher loves him, every teacher wants him, every student wants to be him…

He aces every test and quiz, gets 100s on almost everything, and hoo boi does he look good while he does it

His handwriting his immaculate, his notes are comprehensive, his questions are applicable...my god he is an absolute dream student

Everything he does seems like it takes no effort, but no one knows how much he really studies…

In reality, he spends every single waking moment working for either Noctis or school

He’s always studying, always working on practice problems or other assignments, and always putting in an absolute metric fuckton of effort

He’s insanely good with math and science (especially math)

His favorite class is math, purely based on the fact that every question has a single right answer derived from a methodical process

His least favorite is actually language arts

He hates sitting in a seat and having to decide an author’s meaning and symbolism, part of him thinks it’s incredibly tedious and stupid, despite the fact that the other part of him understands the critical thinking aspect of it

Everyone always fights to have him in their groups for projects and he usually gets at least three students a day begging him to tutor them

His answer is almost always no

He’s willing to help out here and there if someone has a question, but he simply doesn’t have the time to tutor anyone

Is a member of student body government and somehow he was dragged into being on the student council (it wasn’t his idea)

Absolutely is the perfect student and nobody knows his secrets

Gladio

Is absolutely underrated as a student

No one realizes how smart he is when they first see him in their class--they think, “hey, big buff guy--probs not that smart…”

Oh how wrong they are

He’s a genius

It only takes a week before other students and teachers to realize it

Confidently raises his hand when he has questions or comments--and god help any teacher who ignores him (they miss out on legitimately good insights)

Favorite classes are language arts and history

He loves reading literature and analyzing it, and goddamn does he LOVE writing essays on literature

He’s the bitch who actually likes assigned readings

He always makes incredibly great theses and amazing points in his essays, his teachers always ask him if they can keep his as examples for future classes

As for history, he likes to know the big WHY--why did this happen? Why did that happen? What does it mean in relation to this?

He has many questions and he is always determined to get answers to them, one way or another

Genuinely doesn’t mind reading textbooks, hell, sometimes he prefers it

Like Noctis, he can frequently be found in the library

Only Gladio is actually there for reading and doing work

Sometimes, he runs into Noctis there and always wakes him up by smacking him with a book or kicking him

He will shush people. Don’t think he won’t.

It pisses people off but when they see it’s Gladio shushing them, they’re too scared to respond

Librarians know him by name and stop in the hallway to talk to him (they love him so much omg)

They even let him eat in the library and talk a little bit provided he’s not a distraction

Overall, he’s a 10/10 student.

Ravus

Doesnt have that many friends

His RBF kind of puts people off--he always looks like he wants to punch everyone in the face

Is quiet and respectful in class, but he NEVER talks or raises his hand (well, he does sometimes) except in the classes he actually likes

Teachers never call on him in the classes he doesn’t like either

When he likes a class, HE FUCKING LIKES A CLASS

And then he’ll never give any other student the time of day to speak--he asks questions out the wazoo or has comments and connections to make

He brings his own lunch (he hates the cafeteria food and lowkey likes having matching meals with Luna)

He’s the kind of student who knows the answer to everything but refuses to actually raise his hand

Instead, he grumpily thinks it and gets annoyed when a student he doesnt like gets it right, too

Lowkey, he thinks something along the lines of “Well, I knew it first”

Study skills??? Don’t know her

He was one of those students who was considered “advanced” or “smart” and understood things quickly when he was younger, but as he got older and classes got harder, he became kind of… average. Never developed proper study skills as a result so he gets angry at school bc of it

Still, he has the desire to learn, it’s just difficult for him (and his pride is too high for him to be okay with asking for help)

If he has a teacher he doesn’t like, though, he won’t even try to study

Talking to teachers scares him sometimes (me too, fam)

Either loves or hates the teachers who are coaches

Loves the cool ones bc of how lax they are, hates the douchey ones that yell at them for not doing better (@ his calculus teacher)

Overall? Probs avg student with avg grades, though he defo excels in his favorite classes

[lifelike-sex-dolls]

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Sex Doll Vs. Sex Toy. Time To Put the Debate to An End.

The unending desire for sexuality fuels advancements in the sex toy and sex doll industry. Thirty thousand years ago, our ancestors started carving out eight-inch-long siltstone phallics’. And while some archeologists argue the stone ‘penises’ were used to sharpen tools, their rather familiar sizes and shapes said otherwise. And if you thought Cleopatra allegedly pleasuring himself with a box full of live bees in 51 BC was crazy, Seamen had to use cloth-made masturbators to meet their sexual needs while at sea. And for the privileged ones, blow-up dolls were part of their carry-on luggage in the year-round voyages. Luckily, there are numerous sex toys and sex dolls now, and you don’t have to use your soggy pair of socks. Most importantly, the stigma surrounding the subject is slowly fading away, with more people open to the idea of owning or using one. It’s been a long journey though – some sex toy/doll brands had to disguise themselves as ‘wellness brands’ offering ‘marital aids’ to falsify acceptance. Even today, Japanese sex toy powerhouse Hitachi is yet to acknowledge its signature product, the Magic Wand, as more than a massage aid. But who’s complaining?

Sex Doll Vs. Sex Toy – The Irony

Sex dolls and sex toys have a similar development plan, with society ignoring both until it couldn’t ignore them more. However, while sex toys are pretty much acceptable now, some hostility towards love dolls still exists. Sex toys are mostly used by women and are usually seen as a tool of empowerment and a way to reclaim female sexuality. On the other hand, sex dolls are more of a men’s thing, and as weird as it sounds, a man owning a sex doll is seen as a ‘creep.’ I don’t know! I think it’s the usual resistance that precedes change. There’s absolutely nothing sleazy with owning a sex doll, and maybe when more women embrace the idea, then it’ll no longer be eerie. Huh? Sex dolls can boost confidence, combat loneliness, and form lifelong partners.

Our Choice

So, sex dolls or sex toys? Which is the best option? There are no definitive answers to these questions. It depends on your intuition, budget, and willpower. In this article, we’ll look into the different features of both sex toys and love dolls. In the end, we hope you’ll have a better understanding of the topic so you can make a more informed decision.

The Size

Probably the greatest difference between sex toys and dolls, even the largest of the former is hand-held. This is mainly because, like the name, sex toys are built around the principles of portability and ease of use. On the other hand, sex dolls are made to look and feel like a real person. For this reason, you can expect everything a person has, including the head, arms, legs, and breasts, for full-size female models. And even for torsos, the size difference is immense. Sex dolls are defined as anatomically correct human imitations used to enhance pleasure during solo and coupled play. Your sex doll will probably have an orifice – vagina, mouth, ass. For male models, the doll comes with a penis. For sex toys, you’ll either get an orifice or a penis – massive difference. A 160 cm (5”2’) sex doll weighs 40 (88.18 lb). On the other hand, a regular vibrator weighs anywhere between 0.086 - 0.23 kg (0.19 – 0.5 lb). You can choose to have hollow breasts or a torso to reduce your doll’s weight, but the size and weight differences between a sex doll and a sex toy are incomparable. Simply said - a sex toy is just but a small part, a component of a sex doll.

Cost

Sex dolls cost up to thousands of dollars depending on the material, quality, and size. And even for cheaper ones, you’ll have to cough at least one thousand to get it off the shelf. On the other hand, sex toys can cost as little as $10, with premium offerings costing a few hundred dollars. Check our selection of strokers and sex toys at the cheapest price, get one for under $30! People new to the sex doll/toy world might find it better to buy a sex toy. After all, it’s way affordable compared to a love doll, it’s portable, and you don’t have to worry much about storage. Of course, the experience is different for both, but pricing is a major distinguishing factor.

Material

Besides the resulting sexual pleasure, the material is probably the most unifying factor for sex toys and sex dolls. Most premium brands use body-safe and durable silicone. TPE is also a common material among designers because of its realistic feel and affordability. Of course, the material choice will depend on your preference and the price you’re willing to pay, but silicone is recommended because it’s non-porous and more hygienic. The standout feature for sex dolls is the use of a metal skeleton designed to take the role of bones and joints in the human body. Sex dolls are more realistic and flexible with a skeleton and movable joints, allowing you to enjoy numerous sex positions with ease.

Experience

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Other Factors

Other factors that distinguish sex dolls from sex toys include aftercare – cleaning, and storage. The small size makes sex toys much easier to clean and store. Traveling with your sex toy is also much easier because of the portability aspect. However, the sexual experience between these two is incomparable. Sex dolls will always come out on top! And that’s it! Do you think a sex toy or sex doll will be a great addition to your sex life? Well, there’s no reason not to think so. Both offer an array of benefits and are a great way to take care of your emotional and physical well-being. Sex dolls especially offer a full-course meal of pleasure. No snacks. No microwavables. The Real Deal! https://www.rabudo-ru.com/

[gggoblin]

i said this to someone days ago (over the course of a couple days) after a lengthy multi-day conversation we had regarding our lives, our relationship, and specifically some things i had learned while on a social hiatus this month. (for fun i’ll point out that i’m an aries sun, virgo moon, gemini mars, taurus venus, aries mercury, cancer rising, aquarius saturn, aquarius dominant. they’re a libra sun, capricorn moon, libra mars, sagittarius venus, virgo mercury, capricorn saturn.) they haven’t responded to anything i’ve said so this is literally the end of the convo. my optimism turned to realism rather quickly and i realized this was an unintentional break up. not in the traditional sense, but a very specific kind of ending. i recently realized how to stop holding myself back, and now i can no longer allow other people to hold me back either. i’m posting this as a reminder, not some kind of call out. this was directed towards them, but it’s also a letter to myself as well as everyone else i know. these words were several years overdue to both them and myself. i’ve been holding back on my honesty so i’m posting this with all of its out-of-context glory to share some of the light and help whoever can relate or wants to take anything from it. opting out of a read more so forgive me por favor. excuse the typos and shitty grammar. down to clarify anything that seems confusing. life is good ~

your ego is intolerable and the source of probably all of your problems. you suffocate meaningful conversations with your ulterior motives. you’re not as open as you think you are. you admitted to being unloving inside. you cannot be both unloving and open. your desire for me to open up may have been genuine, but the intent behind that has been mostly self-serving. you like to use me to feed your ego as well as ease you into finally acknowledging just how enslaved you really are. everything is a learning opportunity so the benefits i’ve experienced from this have been strictly coincidence. possibly even luck. i’m not mad, just aware. i know how proud you are that you indirectly help others. that you can manage it being the way that you are. but pride fuels the ego. i know you’ve got a thing for small, harmful pleasures. we’ve all got addictions. the only reason why you recognized the power of my anxiety is bc you experienced it yourself. still currently experiencing. all we can provide to others is what we experience, what we encounter, what we know for certain. it’s important to share who we are and i’m glad that you do that instinctively. but you’ve assumed a lot of inaccurate things about me. things you’ve projected onto me because they are all you know. you don’t understand my personal experience the same way i don’t understand yours. but you feel the need to define me regardless bc that’s what makes you feel safe and secure. being in control. having answers. being right. it makes it impossible for you to fully receive my openness. it makes it impossible for you to trust me as an individual existing outside of the limits of your mind and ego. i made this same mistake in a way. i projected key aspects of who i am onto you. i assumed the level of your inner compassion and have treated you accordingly. assuming you understood things in a way that you actually don’t. shouldn’t have done that. it only limited communication between us. anyway, i understand that i have no idea how to help you solve your problems in the way that you need me to because that’s unknown territory for me. you can get lucky and learn from me, but there’s no order in chance. no method or process. just effort and hope. hopefully this helps you realize the same. you can’t help me bc you don’t understand who i actually am. and you can’t until you figure yourself out some more. same goes for me. again, you did not help me in the way that you believe you did. i can’t stress that enough. but the possibility remains of us eventually syncing up. maybe you already understood that. maybe you already understood all of this. it took me a second to work it out emotionally but sharing now seems like the right thing to do just in case you didn’t realize what was happening. barriers exist for a reason. they are the proof of imbalance. but i wholeheartedly believe we’ll both get our shit together eventually.....well i believe that unless martyrdom is your only real passion in life. if that’s what you have love for, that will be your quest and your legacy. personally i’m interested in something much more complex. something with an infinite number of continually expanding dimensions. if that’s where your heart really is, you’ll always be a dead end for me and i a dead end for you. a cul-de-sac. purposeful but limiting. just another possibility i realized. cool either way. interacting with you always reminds me of just how peaceful my reality is. everything is clear before and after i interact with you. your ego literally sucks the life out of me. it encourages me to not be myself. it’s the opposite of kindness. i can’t help but fight against it. that’s why i stick around. but it’s a battle i can’t win. that’s why i shut down. but again once i’m free to be myself, fighting again doesn’t seem like such a dumb idea. pointing out all the ways the ego can control someone seems like a really smart idea actually. your ego makes you all talk. not only with your ideas and goals, but also literally you never stop talking you never slow down. you always have something to say. some answer or explanation for everything. no concern over how quarter-assed it may be. a clear sign of being afraid of not knowing not having all the answers. when we talk, i’m quick to say i’m confused or don’t understand of don’t know something. i try not to lie to myself about those things bc i know it hinders growth. & i know you notice how often i do these things bc i’ve watched it frustrate you. us not being on the same page. not only with my curiosity though. happens when i disagree also. the “lack of connection” aka lack of confirmation. you literally hate me when i’m not supportive of your ego. that lazy blind faith ideal you’re so obsessed with. you’re so afraid of being wrong. so afraid of being seen as a loser. so insecure about someone else being ahead of you when the competition you’ve signed up for doesn’t even exist. you’re obsessed with winning and being superior. it’s more of a priority than reaching the truth. this has been so obvious. everything is a threat to you. you’re so afraid of the world. you said it yourself. the world is full of danger. it’s peak paranoia. i understand your panic and mania so much more now. i can/could relate to so much of this but there have been clear difference between us. sometimes i’ve wanted to tell you to calm down but i know that would only intensify your feelings. i tried to help by being gentle and nice and loving but that only made things worse. i tried to be direct and tell you that you’re good enough regardless of what’s going on inside of you or what you’ve done, but you’ve never believed me. just used these things against me bc you’re dependent on your ego. life without it scares you. you said the way i am goes against everything that you are. that’s true. your aggressive method went against all that i am. but that changed. i opened myself up and now it’s a part of me. your ego is never going to allow you to give anything other than what you already are a chance. i can barely imagine how frustrating that must be for your soul. don’t think i’m judging you bc i get it. it’s heavy and help from an outside source probably doesn’t exist. you’re the only one who can kill your ego and fighting yourself is hell. no judgement. i understand why you always told me i had it easier than you. everything is harder when your ego prevents you from giving love. so much you can’t feel and therefore so much you can’t learn. so many ways you can’t grow. all of this was so obvious when you decided to spend our entire conversation talking about yourself and how i was wrong and why you were right and how much more you knew. you never even took a second to be happy for me. my life has been getting better every day and you’re not even interested. you were barely interested in what i contributed to the conversation. you felt comfortable continuing our conversation even though you hadn’t read all those texts i sent. you have no idea what i could have said to you. but you didn’t find it important. nothing could have been important enough to you. as long as you’re being ruled by your ego, everyone will always just be pawns to you. you talk about all the ways you’ve made others’ lives better. how damaged they were and how you cured them. you rarely mention learning from others. no significant benefits to experience from those beneath you, right? you never bring up how other people have dealt with things when you try to give me advice. everything comes from you. no other examples. seems like you’ve collected nothing from others. nothing you trust. nothing that could be more informative than what you’ve experienced. your speech, your experiences, your gratitude, your kindness, all of it. so egocentric. it’s a little different when you’re with people and sober. a different kind of social anxiety. you’re afraid of physically feeling how much your ego is hated. you’re afraid of picking up those vibes bc you wont be able to just run away from them. you don’t want to be confronted so you have to tone it down and play nice. but in text or when you’re drunk/fucked up, you feel safe. you can hide. in text you can be as real as you want. when you’re intoxicated, everything can just seem like a joke or a mistake. an excuse to be irresponsible. your ego is such a coward. and it honestly believes it’s being real and open. you are so full of deceit. you honestly believe this is attractive? that you’re better this way? more functional? more productive? cooler? more respected? more confident? you’re lying to yourself more than you’re lying to everyone else. you know all of this. you know you could be so much more. you know you could feel more. do more. give more. take more. you’re just afraid of the struggle. you’re afraid of truly being vulnerable and having to find new ways to be okay in this big scary universe. you assume the unknown is going to feel worse than anything you’ve already felt. but the truth is it wont. it’s going to feel like real brutal happiness. real freedom. not just freedom of expression. freedom in all areas. it’s going to be light even when it’s heavy. because it’s going to be infinitely better than being limited by your ego. it will be a new addiction but an actually healthy one. i know there’s a good chance none of this will affect you. i’m not even assuming you’ll actually read all of this. i’m still mindful of time. you’ll get where you’re going when you’re supposed to. but i care so i have to say something. i have to try to help you however i can but i also have to make sure you understand you can’t fuck around with me anymore. if i don’t get offended, i wont feel guilty. if i don’t feel guilty, i wont feel like a failure. if i don’t feel like a failure, i wont be blinded by my own ego. and if i’m not blinded by my own ego, i can see everything clearly. if you don’t change anytime soon, i can see you becoming consumed by the hate you feel for me and everything that i am. you wont want to talk to me anymore if i don’t give you what you want. i wont mind if it happens. i wont be upset and i wont judge you. my love for you has never been conditional. i’ll still be here in some way if you ever see things differently. maybe it’s also important to acknowledge that i see that you’re trying. i can’t remember if i addressed that or not. i notice when you’re making attempts. they’re confirmation that a you beyond your ego exists. the real you is real. you are seen. i guess i now understand your smoking dependency too. maybe it really does help you feel things you can’t otherwise. maybe it makes you feel like the person you really are beyond your ego. i never judged you for that but i never fully understood the importance either bc i projected my feelings onto you. just seemed like a shortcut. but i get it now. maybe if we both smoked, we really would have synced up and everything would have seemed so easy and peaceful. you know, if we only interacted when we had smoked. but we would have learned nothing. that finish line would have been the starting line. there are no shortcuts on a circle. we just wouldn’t have moved at all. we would have missed everything. the whole journey. the whole cycle. but i understand the appeal. definitely seems a hell of a lot better than suffering and being separated. but things aren’t always as they seem. i still think this is way better and way more satisfying. the higher the goal, the harder the struggle.