#tl;dr: they said it gets better and it didn't but I have so much love around me and in my heart that I feel better | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

andrewwtca · 2 years ago

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I think I'm actually starting to really like being alive (a very messy poem)

I've spent too much of my teen years in a haze of wandering around from place to place and wondering when it'd all end. everything was tiring. I remember writing once, "I don't have good days anymore / they're empty and cold / I just sit and wait /and beg for the stars to lend me some of their light / to fill in the voids the day leaves," and I remember sitting and waiting for so long. I remember staring out my window and staring at a single star, covered in layers of smoke in an aimless sky, and I wished on it.

but the stars didn't give me their light. no, the stars are miles and miles above this world, and they watch like an older sister waiting for her little brother to stumble, and she'd giggle and right him back up, but he'd have to learn how to walk. and I've spent the last seven years of my life, stumbling and stumbling, and I tried so hard to hit the ground and not get back up but the stars did not hide their fires from me. no, I was set ablaze and I kept going, carrying that endless ache.

the stars understood, but they did not ache. they understood I was hurting. I was tired. I am tired. and I still wander from place to place, and yet? it's different.

it was my teacher who'd rolled her window down and laughed for me to run as the rain poured down. it was my underclassmen who said Lady Macbeth died and the other who was shocked thinking we were going to act out a suicide. it was the students in club time screaming about how the rookie player was acting like a rookie. it was my classmate who cluelessly asked all the overachievers how our grades were and we broke into laughter. it was my friend who ranted about a kids film and we leaned in, intrigued and ready to argue. it was my best friend who talks about nothing all the time. it was everyone in between, the strangers I whispered with and the friends I screamed at, and it was no one at all.

and it was the trees outside that finally turned green, a green I don't remember seeing. and it was the birds, finally coming back, ruffled and blue and singing. and it was the books that sat on my nightstand and waited for me to unravel her, to discover what she had to say. and it was the games that I lost hours of my life playing and studying and becoming. and it was the tests that left me crying because I was so scared and it was the tests that left me laughing because I felt so stupid. and it was my clothes that started to fit and started to make my reflection look like me. and it was the daisy that sprouted between the rocks that I pass by every day, and it was nothing at all.

and it was me. it was me, all along.

I had a really, really good day today. and I'll still hurt - of course I will. I'll still scar and bruise. but for once, I think I'm going to see sunnier skies. I think the grey that followed my haze will pass. I think I'm actually going to make it. because it was everyone, everything, it was the stars washing over me and telling me to not give up, to keep pushing, but it was me.

it was me who finally figured it out; it was me who finally stopped trying to drown; it was me who finally swam to deck; it was me who finally took a fresh air and then I saw the clouds above and I heard the people singing and I felt the candles burning and it was the best and it was the worst and I took deep, greedy breathes of air, and I pulled myself up, and I laughed, I laughed so hard my sides ached, and I began to cry, and I cried so hard my eyes turned bloody, and when I finally found the energy to look up, I saw the start of my grey days and my stormy nights and my teenage angst that almost ended in the burning of a moth. I saw her:

the child who had been watching me all along. the little girl I killed and the little girl I hid, laughing and giggling, and holding a paper boat like it was her lifeline. and I didn't push her overboard. I didn't run. we set the boat to the sea, her small hands and my bloodied hands. and I took a deep breath, scared it would be my last, because I want more, I want a thousand more, because I want to keep breathing. and that little girl would turn my days grey and my nights stormy and my years angry but I'll carry her with me; and I won't carry her alone. for even if it's not me, if it's not everyone, if it's not everything, there'll always be a star a thousand miles out watching over me.

so yeah, I think I'm actually starting to really like being alive.

#andrew's writing #poetry #this has just been on my mind lately #I'm still mentally ill but I feel like it doesn't define me anymore #this actually started really grounded but it wouldn't be me if I didn't start talking about the stars #but the stars did save my life so the least I can do is talk about them #tl;dr: they said it gets better and it didn't but I have so much love around me and in my heart that I feel better

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rose-tinted-kalopsia · 3 months ago

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≡;-꒰ 𝑿𝑨𝑽𝑰𝑬𝑹 (𝑳𝑼𝑴𝑰𝑬𝑹𝑬) ꒱₊˚ ପ⊹ I 𝒕𝒐 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒆 𝒚𝒐𝒖 𝒎𝒐𝒓𝒆

╰┈➤ ❝ xavier x afab!reader | smut nsfw 18+ mdni | kinktober '24 day 14 (15… x_x)

tags : pwp (with plot), (it’s uhh kind of more on the plot side ish… i think? maybe? hfskj), praise, established but developing relationship, mild angst, hurt/comfort (ish), jealousy, possessiveness, slight spoilers for the lumiere myth, references to “midnight whispers”, kissing and making out, sliiight dry humping, wall sex, vaginal sex, desperate sex so it’s kind of rough ish, creampie, tl;dr both of you just can’t get enough of each other, use of pet names “angel” and “my star”, lmk if i missed any tags!

wc : 3.7k

an : okay so i’m late queueing this but. COUNTDOWN TO XAVIER’S BIRTHDAY - ONE DAY TO GO !!! :D for my beloved darling boy here’s 1 out of 3 total fics prepared for him this month <333 (which may be off-schedule, BUT…) this was fun to write, so i hope you have just as much fun reading! sdkjfhsdk at this point i think i’ve barely ever written xavier fics without plot/feelings… loving this man will just do that to you i guess…

taglist : @interstellar-inn @pixelcafe-network @hunters-association @darlingdummycassandra @spotted-salamander @milkandstarlight @thoupenguinman @valyvinny @rafayelsheart @jellyroom2 @chemiru @ywnzn @rafayelsgf @pepprrmint @angel-jupiter @love-and-deepstrays @keioxo @theanbitchless (SIGN UP HERE)

AO3 / KINKTOBER MASTERLIST / KO-FI JAR / COMMISSIONS

There’s a lot more to Xavier’s jealousy than you realize, and you’re adamant on setting it right.

This was how it was to be in love with you.

The sweet smell of roses, a walk under the cherry tree.... The calm breeze of morning and soft, fresh linen sheets. Sunlight peeking in through the window, pages of a book. Of words that could mean more to him than he could ever think to describe.

Xavier could call on all the possible analogies he could think of, pull from all the poems and stories that he'd read. And yet none could compare to you. It was in the same way that the stars were second to none—so too, then, were you.

You had always called him your star. But to him, the opposite was just as true.

And perhaps that was why this was so difficult.

The stars were different.

Sometimes changing in position, sometimes visible, sometimes not... From where the both of you stood, they were tiny specks of light in the vast domain of the sky—illuminating the night as much as they could, but part of a different world altogether. Unreachable. Untouchable. So bright, so radiant, that the single, slightest touch could burn him down to nothing.

They belonged to the skies; better admired from afar. It was torture to fall in love with something that, to anyone, felt utterly, unspeakably unattainable—

But that was how it was to be in love with you.

And it was a curse as much as a blessing.

"So then Tara mentioned this new place that opened up recently, and she swears by its service! She said we should totally go out and celebrate!" Your eyes gleamed with excitement as you spoke, taking in a spoonful of your ice cream to bring up to your lips. "So this does mean I have a little last-minute rendezvous later tonight... I'd have invited you, too, but—you know. Girl's night?"

His gaze remained transfixed.

The pace at which you both walked was matched, and relatively relaxed—yet he'd barely touched his ice cream. Instead, blue eyes focused on you as you spoke, tracing the movement of your lips and that sparkle in your eyes that he could never ever tire of.

"Okay," he murmured.

When you looked up at him, he glanced away, bringing a hand back to rub sheepishly at the bridge of his nose.

"...Really, really? Just okay? You usually, I dunno, ask me more about the people I'm with, or something..."

He shook his head, and there it was—the little smile on your face didn't go unnoticed. He knew you were trying not to tease, and your actions were so well-known by him that he'd memorized them all for himself. It was endearing to see you like this, knowing you probably knew his habits just as well as he did yours. And at the same time, he knew that you were right.

"Well, I mean... It's just Tara and the others," he said slowly. "You've... been spending a lot of your time with your hunter friends lately. I know who they are."

"I know who they are. You've a way with words, huh?" With a roll of your eyes, you took another bite of ice cream, before nudging him slightly with your elbow. "I've been trying to get to know more of the hunters in the Association lately. There's a lot of them, you know? I'm really glad that everyone's been so nice."

This time, he didn't say anything. Only a quiet hum, the soft crunch of autumn leaves on the concrete a sound that proved comforting to both of you.

The truth was, he was trying not to be so childish about it.

Something stirred in his chest when you spoke, that familiar discomfort that came with a feeling he knew to be jealousy.

It wasn’t a nice feeling.

But it was also easy to lose a star.

It was easy to lose you when, sometimes, he didn’t feel as if he had the right, really, to own you.

Because who was he to control your feelings?

There was no guarantee that, in this lifetime, you wouldn’t just up and leave.

And the more time you spent with others, the more he realized how true that could be.

There was no certainty that this was end game.

“Xavier?”

He heard your voice call out softly to him, and he looked down—

God. You were so cute.

Your head tilted to the side with a little air of concern, and he couldn’t help but smile. The moment a gentle breeze blew, he leaned down for a cheeky kiss on your forehead.

“X-Xavier—?!”

The incredulous expression on your face was one he wished he could preserve in his mind for eternity. He was sure that if that were possible, he really would.

“It’s nothing,” he assured. And he, himself, wanted to believe that to be true. “I like walking with you. It’s nice like this.”

It’s nice like this.

I hope it stays like this.

I hope that this time, we can just… stay together…

—

Oops.

That was the first thought in your head as you shot up from bed, eyes bleary with sleep.

Your phone was in your hand, and you stared aghast.

Package delivered.

You thought you’d been delusional when you could have sworn you heard nothing of a doorbell, until you looked at the address. And that was not your apartment number. That was Xavier’s.

You’d forgotten to change it—again.

Haphazardly throwing on a sweater and putting on your shoes, you raced out your door. The fact that you had yet to receive a text from him about it, nor have it delivered to you, likely meant one of two things: either he hadn’t received it and it was waiting outside his door, or he’d discovered what was in it.

His door absolutely did not have a package waiting outside it.

“Xavier? Xavier!” a little bit out of breath from the sheer shock of such a morning, you called out for him and hurriedly knocked on his door.

“Good morning,” came a voice from inside.

He wasn’t opening the door.

“Xavier…?”

“Is this about your package?”

“...Yes! Yes, it is! I forgot to change the address—”

“I have it.”

“Th-that’s great! Could you, maybe, open the door…”

A shuffling could be heard, and when the door did open, your jaw immediately dropped at the sighed before you.

He had opened it.

“Did you really order this? Were you planning to come here again and ask me to wear it?”

Xavier was frowning, his arms crossed in front of him—he wasn’t at all happy, that much you could tell. But you almost couldn’t focus on that. Not with the black tassel ear cuff hanging on his right ear, not with the suit he was currently wearing. And, those black gloves, the metal cuffs, the gold embellishments, the crimson dye, the blood-red collar… and everything.

It was a stark difference to how you usually saw him.

Xavier almost never wore black… But this looked phenomenal on him.

In retrospect, you supposed that there was nothing he could ever truly look bad in. But this? This was a whole other level of eye candy. There was absolutely no keeping that giddy smile from spreading across your face, even as you brought your hand up to cover your mouth.

“Don’t look at me like that…”

The way his brows furrowed was near downright adorable, the corners of his mouth turning down into a little pout. You could have squealed.

Almost.

Instead, your hands reached out in a look of wonder as you slid your touch down the side of his arm, feeling the well-made fabric of the suit. It was just a cosplay, and yet, it nonetheless seemed so well-made, mearly comparable to the original…

“You opened the package? It’s mine, you know,” you murmured, and with a huff, he stepped aside to allow you into his apartment. You weren’t mad that he opened it, really—and the fact that he put it on? While you could tell he wasn’t happy about it, he was already being nice enough to indulge you with all this again.

“Is it really your package? You could have delivered it here on purpose. I saw Lumiere on the label. These are clothes in my size.”

For a moment the two of you stared at each other in silence, and you could very well remember how this played out the last time you were in this situation.

“Well,” you started, if only to fill the air around you that had grown a little tense. “I didn’t expect it to arrive this soon… We were talking about it last night. You know, with the girls? A few days ago at the office, apparently Nero was all busy because a new line of Lumiere merch came out—a whole alternate costume! We talked about it all night and I had to order a set, too, I just thought I wouldn’t get it for another week—”

You were cut off in a swift movement.

With wide eyes, you found yourself pressed up against the wall, Xavier’s hands on either side of your head. The warmth of his presence so near you had you holding your breath, almost as if the air around you had turned from tense to suffocating. There was something about it that simply rendered you unable to breathe. It was easy to get all dizzy with him so close to you.

But when you looked at him, what you were met with was... not anger.

There wasn’t a trace of it on his features.

Instead, you were surprised to see a hint of something else.

His lips pressed into a thin line. Displeased, yes—but his gaze, while kept on yours, was desperate. Eyebrows knitted together, eyes narrowed ever so slightly with the prospect of almost begging you for something that you couldn’t quite place... Something you felt as if you should.

“Xavier?” you murmured. Your hand raised, slowly, carefully, up to cup his face.

This was different from the last time you’d played around with Lumiere’s costumes. He wasn't just sulking over it.

“...But is that really who you want to be calling?” His voice was quiet. Too quiet. This was an emotion you couldn’t quite read, nor was it one that was familiar to you.

“Xavier? What’s going—”

“It’s always like this.”

Your mouth shut, and you frowned, trying desperately to understand the tone in his voice.

“It’s still always Lumiere, right?” he let out a slow breath. “Why do you care so much about Lumiere? You’d talk about him to your friends, too. You’d spend an entire night without me for him.”

“What? That’s not—I told you, we just wanted to—”

“But I’m right here.”

The calm, even tone with which he’d been speaking slipped in that moment. A crack in his voice—though barely audible right in the moment—wouldn’t have gone unnoticed by you.

Something was wrong.

He was rarely ever like this with you—this wasn’t even an argument, it was just… It was something.

His right hand, previously placed by your ear, shifted to take your hand from his cheek. Taking the other at the same time, he pinned both hands back against the wall, preventing you from moving. The lace of your fingers together had you hyper aware of the leather texture of his gloves, and your breath hitched.

He leaned in.

“I’m right here.”

A repeat of his words.

Yet he almost sounded as if he could break.

“I know you are,” you started, speaking carefully.

“Do you?”

“I do.”

“You don’t.”

“I do.”

This time you spoke firmly, meeting his gaze full-on with a certain sense of conviction that you were not going to let him try to doubt. “Please... what brought this on, Xavier?”

For a while, there was no answer.

His chest rose and fell, deep, calming breaths for himself almost as if trying to compose himself in front of you. You didn't like that. He did it so often; hiding things from you for your sake, putting on a braver face for you if only to keep you from worrying any more than you needed to.

But you needed to.

You wanted to.

Was that not what a relationship entailed? To worry about each other?

You could tell that this meant more to him than simple, petty jealousy—and you were determined to find out what that was.

“Don’t do that,” you mumbled. You frowned slightly, as if to make your point. “Don’t act in front of me. Don't put up a front. You’re upset, right? Something’s wrong. Xav… Are you still jealous? Is that what this is?”

“...I’m not.”

“But you are. Don’t do that.”

Like before, his eyes averted, but you didn’t miss the way he had to grit his teeth just to make sure he would keep a straight face.

“Xavier.”

You tugged at your wrists.

“Xavier.”

His eyes closed. While his grip on your hands loosened slightly, he didn’t let up—his forehead pressed against yours, and for the first time, you realized how shaky he felt.

His breath was warm. His hands were warm. You could barely notice the cold of the wall pressed against your back, the rest of his living room fading away into the background as if all that existed was you, and him, and this little corner you had to yourselves.

As if it were all that mattered.

In a way, it was.

He was all that ever mattered.

“I don’t want it to change,” he whispered. His voice was small; smaller than you had ever heard it before. “I don’t want us to change.”

“Huh? But we’re not changing…”

“No, we’re not. I hope we don’t. It’s enough like this, just to be with you…”

Something about his words stirred at the pit of your stomach.

I hope we don't.

Perhaps that was it. Perhaps you'd been spending too much time without him, and perhaps he just wanted to feel... a little more wanted by you.

“Xavier…”

This time your hand slipped away from his hold, and it was back on his face, cupping his cheek. You watched him lean into it—a soft sigh of resignation, nuzzling into the palm of your hand like he wanted nothing more than your touch.

You swallowed thickly.

“Xavier, it’s not that I’m so fond of Lumiere…” you spoke softly. “I’m fond of you.”

His eyes opened, a slow blink of mild confusion.

“Lumiere is you. Is he not? He’s handsome, and gentle… just like you are.”

When his expression didn’t let up, you continued.

“Xavier, you saved me. I’ve always thought that Lumiere was amazing… But, now, knowing that he’s you—doesn’t that mean I get to love both you and him at the same time?” Your thumb rolled over his skin, and you leaned up slightly, teasing for a kiss. “I loved you first. So I like him because he’s you.”

The tips of your noses touched, and his lips brushed against yours. Your eyes locked this time, and he was all that you could see. All that you would ever see. Close. Impossibly close. Within reach… this time, because this was the Xavier that had come to love you. And that was all that mattered to you.

Maybe you felt a little sense of pride knowing this star was all yours. And maybe that was what he needed to feel, too.

“I… don’t like him,” he murmured. “I don’t want to be him… I just… want to be me. With you. Like this.”

"And you are you."

"But I'm not Lumiere. Lumiere is part of the past. I want… I… I'm here."

Ah.

Somehow, you understood.

Your gaze softened, and you let out a slow, quiet sigh. "Oh, Xavier…" you mumbled. “I like you no matter who you choose to be, Xavier. Ah—”

You smiled, and then shook your head. “Sorry," you corrected. "That’s wrong. I mean… I love you, no matter who you choose to be.”

You saw his eyes light up at that, breath hitching. Those blue, blue eyes—bluer than blue, the most beautiful shade of it that you’ve ever seen.

That was it.

That was what he needed to hear.

His lips trembled slightly, and then all you could feel were them.

He crashed against you, pinning you back against the wall just as he had done earlier, and you could feel everything. His knee between your legs, inching upwards, pressing you back with every ounce of his being as if the single, final thread of self-control had snapped.

“My star… my angel…”

He gasped between kisses, barely muttering out words before he would drag his lips plush against yours in a way that made you want. A way that made you need.

You moaned against him, his body melting, molding into yours.

My star.

Xavier was so unfair.

Even the nicknames you would reserve for him could be turned right back to you, snaking his way into your heart that he had, that he owned, because you had given it—everything—all to him.

And you wouldn’t have had it any other way.

Not when the heat of his presence wrapped enveloped you in a hazy mist of love and desire, the pull of his touch so strong that you couldn’t ever think of leaving. His fingers curled into yours, his grip straining. Bodies pressed together, the outline of his bulge grinding between your legs—his hips rutted into you with not much thought behind his movements, and your desperate pants fell into each and every kiss as if you simply couldn’t get enough.

You couldn’t get enough.

Your mind could only fill with thoughts of him, because he’d taken that for himself as much as everything else.

“X-Xavie—mmphf—”

It didn’t take long.

Clothes discarded in barely a moment before he was hoisting you up on his waist and fucking you, your back hitting the wall with every upward thrust of his hips.

“X-Xavier!” you cried. Your eyes rolled back as he dipped his head into your neck, muffling his moans into your skin. “Xavier… Xavier… So good for me… so, so good, nnh—haa—”

Every praise uttered from your lips caused his thrusts to jerk, a whine falling from his lips.

He liked it.

“Mmh… Mh—yes— j-just like that! Ngh, you fuck me so, so well—ha-ah!”

You clawed at his back as the tip of his cock edged against your sweet spot, and you could tell with the way he choked out a laugh into your skin that you were in for it. His hips continued to snap against yours until you could barely register any coherent thought in your head. He would plunge in and out of your wet, leaking cunt with reckless abandon—you almost couldn't breathe.

“Xavier! Hnng—so good! Good boy, good—ngh—! Th-there! Please!”

You were long gone.

He could only hold you up with his sheer strength—you felt weak as you cried out endless strings of praise, obscene sounds of sex filling the room in an instant.

“My star…” He leaned back to hold you properly against the wall, grunting and panting. With his hair stuck to his forehead, droplets of sweat sliding down his skin, your eyes glazed over. “My star. My star. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine…”

With a mewl, your legs tightened around his waist, and he kissed you. Tongue, and teeth, and messy. Just as needy as earlier. Just as desperate as earlier. Your hands continued to claw at his back, fervent movements of his lips against yours in a foggy frenzy of pure want.

“Mine,” he gasped, pulling away just enough to speak. “My angel, my star—my pretty—pretty angel��my—good girl—”

His kisses, his thrusts, were punctuated with every word, driving you absolutely insane.

“Ngh—ah! Xavi—vie—Xavier—!”

You could barely get any more praise out as he easily turned the tables on you, lulling you into a headspace where all you could say was his name. His name, that, gladly, he would easily relinquish to you. A name that was yours as much as his. A name that you could call, this time, with the comfort of him being with you.

“Angel…” he groaned. “Feel'so good… Taking me so well…”

“G-gonna cum! Xavie—Xav—haa—!”

“Good girl… Good girl, good—girl—good—ngh—girl…!”

That was it.

One last thrust had you spasming around him, practically collapsing into his arms as he held you up, keeping you between the wall and his body as his own trembled with a release triggered by your own.

“So much… so much…” you buried your face into his neck, and he rubbed soft, soothing circles into your back. Hot, white ropes of cum filled your insides, enough to leak out of you, trailing down your legs.

The two of you stayed still for a moment, catching your breaths. There was comfort, in being held tightly in his embrace. And it wasn’t until a while later that either of you spoke.

“...The Lumiere plushie…” he breathed, quietly. “Do we have to keep it?”

You lifted your head, shooting him an incredulous look. “You’re still upset over it?!” Out of the corner of your eyes, you could see the dark-themed Lumiere plushie resting neatly atop of the coffee table, and you let out a huff. “Xavier, really, I promise you that I—”

You stopped.

He let out a soft laugh, his eyes crinkling in what you noted was not quite amusement, but… happiness, nonetheless.

You huffed slightly, but it felt lighter knowing that he was happy.

That was all you ever wanted, after all.

His forehead pressed back against yours, and he spoke again.

“Do you mean it?” he murmured. “What you said earlier. That you love me… No matter what?”

You smiled.

“Of course I do, silly. Isn’t that what you say to me all the time, too? What’s to make you think that I can’t say it back to you?” you gave him a playful swat, rolling your eyes. “I agree with you, you know… I like it like this. I like being with you. I want it to stay this way, too. Because all I've ever wanted was to be with you. You, whoever you feel like being. Whether it's Lumiere, or the Xavier in front of me now. That's... what it's like to love a star. Right?"

Something flashed in his eyes, then, before he nuzzled against you in that way he so often did with you.

“...Mm. So this is what it’s like to love you."

He was whispering, and he seemed to be speaking more to himself.

But, he smiled:

“Ah, no… This is what it’s like to love you more.”

an : lumiere really is the best!!! 🥰✨

© rose-tinted-kalopsia. all rights reserved. do not: steal, copy, repost, reupload, modify, or claim any of my works as your own, regardless of credit given. absolutely do not use my works for AI training and other related purposes.

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thelordfool · 11 months ago

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HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!

Long story short: I'm unemployed and will not, unlike what I originally thought, qualify for unemployment benefits.

Please read the readmore for additional context on why I'm unemployed. This post is basically a continuation/update/redo of this post. I'm suffering a sickness with no medicine the past week, applied for almost 100 jobs the last two weeks, am disabled/queer/nonbinary/tired of ebegging. I'm also in the negatives in my bank account because my car payment came out, so I need to get that covered.

pp/vm/ca

$250/$1151.51

i need at least $511.51 of this by the first. please spread if you're financially unable to help, every person this reaches helps! here's the breakdown of the costs: $640 - car payment + late fees $380 - rent $131.51 - negative amount in bank currently

Oh hey thanks for stopping by to read this annoying tale of woe and being angry at capitalism. Prepare for wall of text.

I once had two jobs. The first job, at a chain restaurant, was a bit of a clique-y experience where I was working my damndest to be the best bartender they ever had. I still have all the cocktails memorized. However, I continually faced discrimination in the form of severe misgendering, no matter how often I corrected them. I was also set up for failure. Usually, when someone gets hired for a position, there's some amount of training to be done, no matter how experienced they are, right? I was going in nearly entirely inexperienced into the role. I knew how to make cocktails, sure, and was and still am very good with people and selling. But I was trained for two days. Two. Then, on my first night alone (a Friday), I was watched by one of the bigwigs at corporate who saw every little flub and failure. This caused a demotion-ish. I was demoted to barback but was allowed the same privileges. Until their next visit. That upset the hell out of me - I was well trained by that point and could do it all, with one hand tied behind my back. I digress. It was about 2 months following my demotion when i finally walked out. A new bartender had been hired and she thought I was being a total creep by looking at a ticket that had just come in. She stormed off to report me to the manager who, even after hearing my side where I had asked her if there was anything on the ticket that I could grab, said that I "needed to communicate better," and "you should be learning from her," and "you're a grown man, you should know better." I don't think I need to explain why that was so upsetting.

But I didn't report them, because I just wanted to be done with it. I was also working another bartending job, and everythign was literally perfect other than the hours, honestly. I loved the product the distillery made, I loved the people I worked with, and most of all: I had my own regulars. Last month, they hired a new hospitality director, who announced there would be some restructuring, including getting rid of servers while also making a full dinner menu to serve alongside drinks. I said nothing of it, despite my disagreements, and she assured us all that no one would lose their jobs, but just moved into different roles. We all kinda grumbled about it, and I told her that under no circumstances would I work back of house. Easy peasy. Till it wasn't, and I came home to a voicemail while on break with my partner that I'd been let go due to the restructuring. So much for no one losing their jobs, right? I hadn't been the only victim of this. I have my suspicions as to why the new hospitality director did these things, but I've no energy to throw around conspiracies. All I know is that I was shafted by both of these places and I'm tired of being broke. I'm applying, still going to fight, and... sigh.

tl;dr (why did you click the readmore?): i left a job due to discrimination and lost another due to company restructuring and i'm tired and sad and aaaaa.

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the-last-teabender · 4 months ago

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I've seen (and heard about) a lot of Oxventure posts that are talking about how Oxventurers Guild was bad but Wyrdwood is good.

One - I hate to see two bad bitches pitted against each other.

Two - Speaking from experience, you can't be a table like Wyrdwood without having been a table like the Oxventurers Guild.

Did people not know the rules? Yes. Did people play suboptimally? Yes. Did Johnny bend rules and consequences to move things along? Yes. But people seem to forget that the first Oxventure campaign started with basically zero previous experience. We were watching people learning.

Yesterday I was talking with @randomthunk about this, and I compared watching Oxventure from beginning to present like reading The Dark Tower. Reading The Gunslinger and watching that story progress over seven books gave me confidence as a writer. You can start imperfect. You can make mistakes. You can be less than your best as you're getting your feet under you, and a willingness and enthusiasm to do that will take you to greatness. Plus, it's a story of an author evolving as much as it's a story of Roland Deschain going to the Tower.

I think many many other actual plays have given people unrealistic expectations, where Oxventure (as I've said before) brought me back to gaming. And as much as I think a person could come to Wyrdwood new and love it, the Oxventurers Guild campaign makes what comes next so much more meaningful. We've seen what each player does well across the original and side campaigns, and we got to see that because of the freedom the first campaign gave them. Now we get to see those natural talents paired with an understanding of the system (which we were already seeing in Blades and Deadlands, but now we have a 1 to 1 comparison).

In my first stint in gaming 20 years ago, I didn't have the freedom at my original table to learn and make mistakes. You got it right or you got mocked. I have good tables I love now because I began seeking out tables that reminded me of Oxventure: willing to go on tangents, willing to help each other, okay with fudging things on the fly if it preserved our good time. I'm a better player now because I had those experiences.

tl;dr your taste is your taste and some things are naturally gonna hit you better than others, but writing off the Oxventurers Guild because the mechanics weren't as tight is missing the entire point of how this group has evolved.

#oxventure #wyrdwood #wyrdwood episode 1 felt like rock lee dropping his leg weights

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leclarifies · 1 month ago

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this was meant to be a late night ramble but i got carried away. will format once i'm on my pc, was written on my phone. not proofread or checked for grammar. also i wrote this in two hours so..............

tl;dr: my take on how the both of you will cope with one of max's worst crashes to date.

tw: crash, max having major injuries after the crash, struggles with alcohol abuse.

you had never been one to ever criticize someone for their choice of profession, especially not when it came to something that paid as high as this, but you wondered if you would ever see your boyfriend in one piece after every race.

it was nerve-wracking of course, seeing him go 350km per hour and hoping his car doesn't fuck itself up and end up in a barrier before then catching into flames. he was good at his job, he loved to drive the damn car so why was it such an issue then?

max didn't understand it either. one moment you would be happy for him and the next you'd be ridden with anxiety whenever he would step into the car, he would always reassure you though. the car was fine, he got the world's best engineers working on his car, that he would be safe.

you didn't understand what had happened though, one moment he was overtaking norris and the next he was in the barrier, a gasp escaped your lips and tears brimmed your eyes when you saw car number 1 in the barrier.

you wanted to claw yourself up there and pull him out of the car yourself but you were being restrained by a few red bull mechanics, telling you that it's gonna to be okay and the marshalls were going to get him out in one piece.

"max? are you alright? talk to me mate."

no response. that's when people started panicking.

max wasn't fine, he wasn't okay. so much force had hit him, he was going max speed when he hit those barriers. he couldn't feel his face, couldn't feel his arms and legs. he felt numb, and it scared him. his ears were ringing and the helmet was suffocating him, he needed air. right now.

he didn't know what happened next, through his blurred vision he could only guess that he had been pulled out the car and his helmet was pulled off his head, he could breathe better but not by much.

the next few moments were just a black void.

you were hysterical when you found out that he was being sent to the nearest hospital, the medical center said, 'it's too big of an injury for us to handle here.' you felt like you were the one dying when you heard he had to go through surgery. you knew he shouldn't have picked this profession, it's insane. how was any of this legal and approved by the government? you didn't know.

you weren't given the specifics because you were neither lawful spouse or family, and his family was hours away from being able to come visit him so you had to sit there and wait for him to come to before you could even know what was going on with him. his profession never scared you quite like this did before.

being in a coma wasn't something on his bucket list, he prayed that he would never go through an accident as traumatic to have to be in a coma.

max could hear the voices, they weren't the clearest. he could hear bits and pieces, but never the full conversation. it was almost as if he was half-asleep and the world around him was just so incredibly quiet. he didn't know what he would do or say to you when he woke up, he was most worried about what you would say. maybe kill him before the injuries from the crash could? max wanted to chuckle from that but nothing came out from his lips, just soft breaths. signaling that he was still alive in there to the outside world.

slowly, he would start hearing and feeling less and less of what happened in the world around him. no longer being able to hear your beautiful voice, and that's what hurt the most, not knowing if you were there with him or not.

you had stayed by his side almost everyday when that happened, not wanting to leave even when the visiting hours were unavailable. always waiting nearby in a coffee shop or booking a hotel room the closest to the hospital in order to be there as soon as visiting hours started.

life felt so empty. you were used to his playful banter and teases but you hadn't heard his voice in two weeks now. you weren't religious, having some religious trauma in life, you would never devote yourself to some invisible god ever again, but you prayed. you prayed to that invisible man upstairs to wake him up, that if he were to wake up, you would start going to church, but that didn't come.

you just wanted him to get better, to open his beautiful blue eyes, look at you and tell you that he loved you. faith was hard to come by but you would always come back to that disgusting sterile smelling room and hold his hand gently, some days you would talk to him, some days you would sing to him but it didn't matter what you did because you would always be there. never missing a possible moment where he would wake up.

the doctors said it didn't look good. they hadn't been medically inducing him in a coma for a week now, he should be conscious by the first few days of taking him off the medically induced coma and you didn't know what to think. you were scared.

you had told him so many times that it made you anxious that an accident like this would happen, that he would get in that car and you couldn't see him anymore but you didn't know it was going to be this soon.

at first you couldn't believe it, it had been almost a month since you heard his voice last. he couldn't be, right? he was the most talented driver you knew, there was no way he was in a coma after a big crash. he was always careful, never taking risks that was unnecessary, right?

you were in denial, you knew it. everyone knew it. you were spiraling out of control and there was nothing anyone could do about it, unless they would magically wake max verstappen out of his comatose state.

there was a hole left in your chest when you realized that maybe he was never going to wake up from this, that you would never see his beautiful blue eyes anymore. slowly, you started to lose hope. visits became far and few between, you just wanted to get away. not wanting to see the day that his family decided that there was no more hope for him and to pull the plug.

you buried yourself in work, not wanting to think, not wanting to feel, just wanting to focus on anything else other than the gaping hole in your chest.

drinking became your best friend, hitting up bars as soon as you finished your shift. downing shot after shot, your friends and his friends were all concerned, always asking if you needed anything, if you needed them and that they were there for you, but frankly you didn't care about anyone else.

coming home drunk wasn't something that was far and few between anymore, it would be every other night, then every night and then sometimes you would sneak a flask in when you were at work. just something to numb the pain of losing your boyfriend. it wasn't enough though.

you were angry.

who cared about all of those other people when the person that mattered the most was in a hospital bed? waiting for his own death that wasn't even entirely up to him? you were angry, you wanted to scream at anything, at someone.

why did it have to be him? why did it have to be your max? why did it have to be him at the wrong place at the wrong time? why? why? why? he did nothing wrong, all his life he was a saint. he was never cruel to anything or anyone in his life, all he did was try to please the people around him, why did it have to be him?

you wished you had the answers, you still prayed. almost like a devoted follower of that stupid god most of the population of the earth believed in. you laughed at the irony of your desperation, no amount of praying or bargaining could ever bring him back, it was too late but damn, if you didn't try you knew you'd regret it.

max's family checked up on you often, sophie and victoria being the ones to ask you how you were. you always appreciated them checking up on you when you knew that they were hurting the most out of all of this, they were his family afterall. you were just... the girlfriend. your feelings were not important in this equation.

trudging through life without waking up next to him was painful, the small pitiful meows coming out of sassy and jimmy were almost even more painful. the reminder that you were in his apartment, with his cats but without him. when was he going to wake up? when were you going to wake up from this bad dream?

a ring from your phone had woken you up from your drunken adventures from the previous night, you wanted to yell at them for interrupting your sleep. you wanted to sleep forever, maybe even be in a comatose state similar to max so then you would be able to wake up together.

"hello?" you mumbled through closed eyes, very much annoyed that whoever this person was, waking you up from your sleep. you didn't even bother to check the called id.

"you need to come down to the hospital, right now."

you haven't scrambled up and got dressed any faster than you just did, you didn't bother doing your hair or even brushing your teeth. one second you were in your shared apartment, the next you were in your car, speeding past the streets of monaco to get to the hospital, maybe breaking a few laws and going as fast as an f1 car.

"schatje."

you were crying when you got there, burying your face in max's chest, you wanted to yell at him, for leaving you alone for two months too long but you didn't have it in you. his hand found its way to your hair, petting your head. a gentle kiss was left against your temple as you continued to cry against his chest, you couldn't form words, basically inconsolable.

you were eventually able to peel yourself off of him though, his hand firmly wrapped around yours, mainly for your comfort and not his. the doctor's had explained that he had to slowly learn to walk and speak again because he was in a coma for so long but the first words out of his mouth when he first became conscious was schatje which made you cry a little bit more. some of his friends and family came throughout the day and he could recognize who they were, just had a hard time speaking.

it was only at the end of the day where you two had a time for yourselves, just basking in the presence of each other, finally being able to see his pretty blue eyes look at you.

"lay... ne-next to me..?" max asked, his voice a bit scratchy for not being awake in two months, tilting his head a little to the left, a little quirk of his which you thought was cute and complied with his request. he wrapped his arm around yours after scooting to make space for you, the both of you just laying there in each other's presence, not wanting to let go.

max didn't understand how much time had passed and understandably so, but he missed you. it felt like he had just gone to sleep and succumbed to his injuries but for you, it felt like a lifetime without having to see the love of your life. the atmosphere was quiet, but comfortable. seeing max alive and in one piece was all you needed before slowly drifting off into sleep, and for once the nurses didn't kick you out after checking in on max.

recovery was hard, max had been told that he suffered damage when he got a concussion from the crash. his spine had been mostly intact but since he suffered injuries to his brain, he had to learn how to walk and talk again.

"what about happiness?" a therapist had asked max as he sat across from her. they were doing some exercises to train max's speaking, something that the doctors had mentioned would help max recover faster. max's face lit up before pointing to you, who was sitting next to him, "nice try max, but you understand what i mean."

a giggle left your lips before he tried again, with a pout dancing on his lips, "joy, winning a race?" he tilted his head cutely before the therapist let him have the answer, it was cute. he was cute but he was a fighter.

the moment the doctors cleared him of any sustaining injuries, he was ready to get on the track again, only after six months after the crash.

"you can't be serious max," you shook your head as you paced around the apartment, "it's only been six months... you should just rest for the remainder of the season and get in next year. i don't understand the rush, you have your life in front of you to compete, what's wrong with waiting a few more months?"

max shrugged, he realized after the crash that he in fact did not have his entire life to race. what if his life was taken early and he couldn't spend the rest of his life with her, what then? he didn't want to waste any time. he wanted to get his head in the game while he was at his prime and get it over with before retiring and getting away with her on a private island and living there for the rest of his life.

he didn't want to race for the remainder of his life, nope. he wasn't like alonso who was going to be on the track when he's old and frail and no longer in the top teams. he wanted to win, and that's what he was going to do, to win. he knew that him coming back so soon even after his injuries were going to be hard on you, he was scared to even bring it up in the first place.

it had only been a few months, and he was so ready to come back to racing. his fingers were basically itching for it, but he was very mindful with how you were going to feel, he always was. he hinted at it a couple times before, but her response was always different than what he wanted.

max sighed when you were obviously going to be upset with his decision, "look, i know you're worried and you do not want me in the car so soon, but you have to trust me—"

you set your back straight before looking him dead in the eyes, "i trusted you six months ago! look where that got us!" you didn't mean to yell, but you were scared and you did not want to lose him because he was driving a silly fast car. max looked hurt, and rightfully so. you sighed before you walked over to where he was on the couch, wrapping your arms around him in a hug, which he welcomed with open arms, "i'm just worried, okay? you being in that coma was the scariest thing in my entire life. i even lost hope, do you understand how scary it was for me to lose hope?"

max nods before landing a kiss on your lips, wanting to reassure you that he made a mistake and that it wasn't going to happen again. he didn't mean to leave you for those two months, but he knew that he was never going to do that to you again. he didn't want to hurt you anymore than he already did.

"trust me, i'm not gonna make the same mistake twice and i'm gonna make you proud."

and max never did. he got in the car the next week, ready to fight. baring his teeth for anyone who could get anywhere close to him. he closed out the season with multiple trophies, even though the driver's championship was out of reach.

he celebrated that season with a big smile on his face and you knew it was the right decision to let him get back to racing. as much as you didn't want to admit it, he loved racing more than he loved you and you were okay with that. you were okay with being second to his ambitions and dreams because that's what good girlfriends do, let their boyfriend's risk their lives driving silly fast cars if that meant it made them happy.

unfortunately, you anxiety wouldn't go away even after all the constant reassurance your boyfriend gave you. the nights where you were alone, wondering whether if max was going to pull through still haunted you.

of course, alcohol was still a problem for you. you turned to it when you felt like you didn't have a choice. some nights, on particularly rough anxiety ridden nights, you would sneak out. just grab a drink or two to soothe your heart. it wasn't long before max caught on though.

"where have you been?" max had asked as you entered their apartment after coming home from work, it wasn't like you came home late and came home absolutely drunk which is why you didn't think he was suspicious. there had been a break between the current races, which is why he was home before you were.

a hiccup breaks the silence as you close the door behind you, you lock eyes with max and you can see the disappointment floating in his eyes, that's when you knew that he knew but you weren't sure how much he knew.

"answer the question, liefje," max sternly spoke up once again, walking towards you, in his eyes was a challenge. he was waiting to see whether you were going to lie to his face or not. he could practically smell the alcohol from there, he went out drinking a lot too, being a formula one driver meant parties like there was no tomorrow.

you didn't know what to answer with, so you answered as vaguely as possible, "i was out with some friends," hoping that the answer you gave him would satisfy him enough without him asking too many questions, you tried to brush past him but he held onto your arm.

max had heard stories from his friends, telling him that you weren't at a good spot after the accident. that you turned to drinking and it seemed like nothing could help except for max himself.

he took one whiff and he knew it was alcohol, "which friends?" he asked, not wanting to let you slip from his fingers, he knew how dangerous alcohol addiction was and he wasn't going to let his girlfriend fall into the grasps of it.

"work friends, max— let go. i want to take a shower," you tugged on his hand that was holding onto your arm, but he was unrelenting. he stared you down, not convinced with the bullshit answer you gave him. he knew you had been out drinking, it wasn't even race week. you didn't have an excuse.

max's eyes softened, he knew that somewhere deep inside of you that you were struggling, that you needed help but you just didn't know how to reach out. was it hard to reach out to him? has he made himself so unapproachable after the accident?

"talk to me, what's going on with you?" max's grip on your arm has softened but you could only sigh and look away, you didn't know how to face him. yes, you were struggling but you didn't know how to bring it up. just like everything in your life, you needed someone to comfort you and tell you it was going to be okay and that there were people there for you, but you were stubborn almost in a similar fashion to him.

you only looked back up at him when max squeezed your arm and the eyes that looked back up at him were no longer hard and guarded, but full of vulnerability and glassy, "i—"

"you've been drinking?" max cut you off and finished your sentence for you, now you knew how much he knew of your struggles. you swear it wasn't supposed to get this bad, you promised yourself you would stop on the weeks where he didn't have races, or maybe just stop altogether but that was easier said than done.

"yes," was all that left your lips and that was the day that max swore he was going to get you through this.

max had offered to take a break like you suggested for the rest of the year, just to ease your nerves but you told him that it was a hard no for you. you knew that it was going to get much worse if you got too used to his presence, the cycle would just repeat itself once he got back into racing.

this time there was another road to recovery, just not for him. max had been nothing but helpful, always offering you help, even offering to pay for your rehab. you contemplated whether you even wanted to go or not, you didn't want to feel weak. to feel like there was something was wrong with you, that you were a freak but at the end, after endless heart-to-heart conversations with max, he was convinced you to go.

the first few months were hard, there was no way you could attend the races while going through rehab so you had to just suck it up and go through it without watching. max felt bad, of course he did. that was the love of his life that he put in that rehab center, but he knew he had to make tough decisions if he wanted you to get better.

he felt horrible not having you there for even some of the races, not because he sent you to the rehab center but because he missed you. he knew that the accident hit you hard, but not this hard. he didn't understand how much anxiety racing did to you, and he was beating himself up for it.

he should've seen the signs, should've reached out sooner before they could fester into something as serious as alcohol addiction but there was no use in beating himself up for something he didn't do in the past, as least he was doing it now after he saw the signs of you struggling.

the initial withdrawal symptoms were insane, if you weren't in rehab, you would've probably relapsed the first day there. it was hard for you and you were trying your best, and you did. overtime, you were recovering and that's all that mattered.

max had received updates of course, he requested them. he wanted to see how you were holding up, if there were any signs of improvement. the therapists there all said that you were doing splendid, that she might get out in a few months which was great news to max.

it would only take you another six months to fully recover and the first thing you did when you saw max when he picked you up was jump into his arms, he breathed out a sigh of relief after not seeing you for a couple of weeks. he could live like this.

both of them had their own battles to fight through but the most important part was that they both overcame both battles, never forgetting to support eachother, even when one lost themselves along the way.

#leclarifies fics #max verstappen x reader #max verstappen fanfic #max verstappen fic #max verstappen x yn #max verstappen #max verstappen x you #f1 fanfic #f1 fic #max verstappen oneshot

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scoobydoodean · 1 year ago

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ok so I deeply love and respect your thoughts on supernatural because the majority of them line up with what I've been thinking for years but you said something the other day that I keep turning over in my brain and it was something along the lines of carver liking dean more than sam - I know you're in the middle of rewatching s4 but I would love to hear you expound on that (if you have time) because I remember being in the fandom while carvernatural was airing and it was pretty much when the deangirl exodus started. in fact I think people tore into him worse than dabb even 😭

feel free to hold onto this until later when you start the carver seasons if you wish :)

<3 I'll go ahead and answer this one, because it's more of a "broad strokes" thing for me, and I've been rewatching very slowly (on purpose) so that could be a very long wait.

This is so funny because I can just picture Sam fans reading it and turning red and their blood boiling with the fire of a thousand suns but the TL;DR is that season 8-11 (Carver era) broad strokes to me are:

Sam sucks and is a worse brother and person than Dean.

Sam spends the first two seasons of Carver's run thinking he's a better person than Dean anyway and then the second two knowing he sucks, deciding to embrace his moral flexibility to keep Dean alive no matter the cost, and trying to mend things.

Dean is circled by many potential suitors who also in a sense represent Sam replacements because Sam sucks: Benny, Cas, Crowley, and Amara.

Dean knows that Sam sucks and part of him wants to get tf away from him very badly but another part of him feels guilty for wanting that. Family is suffering. Family is a chain around your neck keeping you tied to them via guilt. (Demon Dean represents the desire for escape, as does Amara).

Everybody wants to be with Dean, be Dean, and/or be loved by Dean. Dean is love. Dean is the world. Dean is the reason for existing. Everybody is lovesick about him. Sam is just there.

Sam needs to stop blaming Dean for so many things and learn to own his own choices.

That was fun to write down.

Longer commentary/explanation below the cut.

Season 8 (Carver's first season) literally begins with a Sam character assassination. It begins with us learning that Sam knowingly left Kevin to spend the rest of his life kidnapped and tortured without even telling a soul what happened to him. Not only did he abandon Dean and Cas as well but he didn't even look for them, and refuses to give a satisfying answer as to why.

Season 8 Sam's abandonment as distinct from previous behavior

I have had people this year who I love and respect tell me they don't view this as a character assassination and say they believe this is in character for Sam. I simply do not agree with that. I talk about this as it relates to Kevin here.

Sam has displayed selfishness and a big ego at many points in the series up to season 8. He's told a lot of lies (sometimes to the point of gaslighting), he's gone behind Dean's back to do things that affect Dean's life, he's taken traumatic experiences Dean opened up to him about and ultimately harmed Dean with them, he's shown resentments and anger, he's displayed jealousy, he's displayed a sense of superiority. He has never abandoned his brother to die without even trying. The Sam of season 3 would eviscerate season 8 Sam for this.

Sometimes Sam says and does things he shouldn't, but his crimes do not include "abandoning Dean to die without even looking for him" up to season 8. Many of his crimes happen at least partly because he really really doesn't want Dean to die or is desperate to save his life. He lets go of his anger at John and returns to make sure Dean is safe in 1.11. He refuses to give up and finds a way to save Dean in 1.12. In 1.22, he's willing to put John's life at risk for revenge, but in 2.01 he gets into an outright screaming match with John in the hospital under the belief that John's prioritizing the demon over Dean. Sam spends all of season 3 raging and angst-ing about not being able to save Dean to the point of considering and doing some shady as hell things/abandoning some of his more stalwart moral stances (3.05, 3.11, 3.15, 3.16). Dean's death and later, the desire to secure his safety/future, is one of the catalysts for Sam's descent into drinking demon blood (3.09, 3.16, 4.04, 4.09, 4.12). When he dies in "Swan Song", he urges Dean to pursue a normal, safe, life because he knows that at that point in time, Dean wants to get out but has always felt trapped (2.09, 2.10, 2.20, 3.01, 4.12, 4.16). Even Soulless Sam (who isn't the same as regular Sam) tried to look for Dean in 6.09 "Clap Your Hands If You Believe"—it was simply that when leads for the night dried up, he hooked up with someone because he had nothing more to go on and in soulless Sam's head that was the reasonable thing to do. But soulless Sam also certainly isn't representative of the real Sam—the fact that he doesn't care as much is supposed to point us to differences between him and regular Sam. Season 8 opens with Sam abandoning Dean in a context that makes him arguably worse than his soulless self.

(I talk about why Sam actually abandons everyone in season 8 in a very long post here).

Season 8 and 9 more broadly

So Carver has Sam abandon Dean to die without even trying. Then he has Sam refuse to give any kind of actually reasonable explanation that makes sense to anyone who was paying attention. Then he has Sam say that he's going to leave the life and Dean needs to get over it and accept that Sam's new life will not include contact with Dean (just like his life at Stanford didn't). While saying he's going to leave, he still wants to exert control over Dean's relationships and leverages the threat of leaving (as if he were going to stay) to get Dean to shut up about Sam abandoning him and then again to try and get Dean to cut ties with Benny. He wants to kill Benny before knowing a single thing about him. He assigns someone (Martin) who he knows is mentally unstable and has a more black and white perception of monsters to track Benny and gets Martin killed. He watches Martin knock Dean unconscious and chain him up in a room and doesn't stop it because he wants Benny dead that bad, but then has the audacity to act as if Dean sending him a fake text is worse than Sam literally chaining him up in a room to prevent Sam from killing an innocent person (someone Sam would normally—btw—defend based on episodes like 2.03 and 4.04 or even a few episodes ago with Kate in "Bitten"). He tells Amelia he wants to fight for their relationship then the moment Dan says they should leave the choice to Amelia, he leaves so that it becomes his choice, and then he returns for one episode just to be a homewrecker. He insists on doing The Trials while promising to survive them and giving a big speech about how he's going to save Dean from his own suicidal ideation and then drops the promise as if it never existed two episodes later. Sam loses confidence in himself to complete The Trials and then acts like Dean is the one who doesn't believe in him because Dean is caring for him and insisting he rest and this is an unforgivable offense. At the end of the season, he basically says he's going to commit suicide because Dean has friends besides him. He acts as if he deserves to be Dean's most trusted confidant after an entire season of him being an absolutely fucking terrible brother and acts like Dean is just a big meanie whose feelings are irrational.

After all of this, he has the audacity, in season 9, to suggest that Dean is a bad person who can't stand the thought of being alone. He tells Dean he's the worst person ever and they can only be work partners from now on because Dean is so so bad and evil for stopping him from committing suicide and then not telling him about Gadreel. At the end of the season he admits this was a lie. He just wanted to punish Dean (9.23).

I can see how—if you were watching live at the time (I started watching when season 11 was airing) you'd lose hope. You'd quit the show over all of this, because it seems to go on forever. It's like torture. I would drop kick season 8 Sam into a pit full of lava without hesitation so I get it. If I believed that Carver was actually saying "Yes so true Dean is The Worst™️ and Sam is morally superior <3" for two seasons straight I'd quit the show too. But that isn't what he's saying. We're supposed to read between the lines and realize how unbelievably full of shit Sam is—how deeply selfish and hypocritical he's being. How yes—Dean has made mistakes—but Sam is NOT a better person than him and has gotten away with some absolutely rancid garbage. And season 10 and 11 go on to beat you over the head with it if you didn't get it the first time.

Season 10 and 11

Season 10 opens with this dialogue from a demon:

I heard the rumors. I said "no, that can't be." A Winchester, one of us? But it's true, isn't it? Whatever soul you had; whatever boy scout code you cuddled up to at night; it's all gone. Leaving what? Look at you!

We're meant to think she's talking about Dean who just woke up with black eyes, but then the camera cuts to Sam torturing her, demanding to know where Dean is.

In 10.03, we learn that Sam talked a man (Lester) into selling his soul so he could use him as bait. Demon Dean ends up being assigned to fulfill Lester's deal (to kill his wife for cheating on him). Dean immediately clocks Lester as having cheated on her first and kills Lester for being an insufferable hypocrite... and while he's doing it, I'm pretty sure he's also thinking of Sam's flaming hypocrisy.

SAM: I never meant— DEMON DEAN: Who cares what you meant?! That line that we thought was so clear between us and the things that we hunted, ain’t so clear is it? Wow. You might actually be worse than me! I mean, you took a guy at his lowest, used him, and it cost him his life and his soul. Nice work.

NOTE: 10.03 also recalls 4.21—an episode Sam fans have always tended to emphasize as a "Dean crime" episode where Dean risks Sam's death to force a detox. Sam does the reverse—pumping Dean full of human blood here in 10.03 and explicitly risking his death.

Sam gets Suzie killed in "The Werther Project" while searching for The Book of the Damned.

SAM I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry. SUZIE Lot of good “sorry” does me. Look at me. Look….at….me. [She points to her corpse.] There she is. The first casualty of your misguided mission. But what’s another human life to you? Anything’s worth it, as long as you two make it out alive. And how’s that search going? Any closer to a cure? SAM This isn’t real. You’re not real. SUZIE You think Dean’s the wild card, the loose cannon. But don’t you see? Making deals with witches, opening Pandora’s box down there? You’re the reckless one. You’ll do anything to keep clinging to that doomed brother of yours. How many more will die, Sammy? You know it. You have to be stopped. And the only one who can stop you is you!

A few episodes later, Sam orders Oskar's death for a spell to remove the Mark of Cain. I've seen hilarious posts before about how he had no choice but to do this because MoC Dean is so scawy and bad but that quite explicitly is not his motivation. They could have done so many other things. Throw him into space. Bury him in a really deep hole. Put him in something like The Cage. But Sam didn't like any of those options, because all of them meant being without his brother, and he's realized he doesn't want to be without him no matter the cost (10.18).

SAM So, awhile back, we had a chance to, um…close the gates of Hell. And in order to do that, I would’ve had to die. And, I was okay with that, and I am okay with that, but Dean was not. And so, he uh… CHARLIE He saved you. SAM Yeah, he saved me. CHARLIE And let me guess, in doing so, he did something you didn’t want, and that pissed you off. And you said something that hurt him? SAM Yeah, that sounds about right. [...] SAM You know, when Dean came to get me at school, I-I told myself… one last job, you know? One more job. And then when – when I, um…. When I lost Jess, I, again, told myself one more job. There’s always one more job, you know? And one more job, and one more job, and then I was gonna go back to law and – and to my life. CHARLIE You were the Dread Pirate Roberts of hunting. SAM Yeah. I guess I really understand now that….this is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother. And if he’s gone, then I don’t…. CHARLIE I got it. I-I do.

This all culminates in 10.23, where a very mentally unstable MoC Dean attempts to reason with Sam about them both being evil and needing to take themselves out:

DEAN: Remember when we were in that church, making Crowley human, about to close the Gates of Hell? Well, you sure as hell were ready to die for the greater good then. SAM: Yeah, and, Dean, you pulled me back. DEAN: And I was wrong. You were right, Sam. You knew that this world would be better without us in it. SAM: No, no, no, wait a second. You're twisting my words here, Dean. DEAN: Why? Because we -- we track evil and kill it? The family business? Is that it? Look at the tape, Sam. Evil tracks us. And it nukes everything in our vicinity -- our family, our friends. It's time we put a proper name to what we really are and we deal with it. SAM: Wait a second. We are not evil. Listen... We're far from perfect, but we are good. That thing on your arm is evil, but not you, not me. DEAN: I let Rudy die. How was that not evil? I know what I am, Sam. But who were you when you --when you drove that man to sell his soul... Or when you bullied Charlie into getting herself killed? And to what end? A-a good end? A just end? To remove the Mark no matter what the consequences? Sam, how is that not evil? I have this thing on my arm, and you're willing to let the Darkness into the world. SAM: You were also willing to summon death to make sure you could never do any more harm. You summoned me because you knew I would do anything to protect you. That's not evil, Dean. That's not an evil man. That is a good man crying to be heard, searching for... some other way.

Dean is saying a lot of shady shit here, but some of what he's saying... isn't wrong?

Sam is willing to let The Darkness destroy the world, and he does, and then standing in the aftermath of a town being destroyed by the force he unleashed, Sam says:

SAM: I unleashed a force on this world that could destroy it . . . to save you. DEAN: And I told you not to. SAM: And I'd do it again. In a second, I would do it again.

Thousands of people are dying and Sam says he would do it again. This post about Sam's actions versus Dean stopping Sam from closing the gates of hell is highly relevant.

Season 11 continues with Sam taking a little more responsibility for his own decisions, while praying for Dean to live (11.02):

SAM: So . . . I know it's been a long time, but . . . Dean and I, we've -- we've been through a lot of bad. But this is different. This is my fault, and I don't know how to fix it. And if I have to die, I've made my peace with that, but . . . Please. Dean deserves better. Dean deserves a life. There are people out there, good people, who are going to suffer because of me, and I am not asking you to clean up my mess. Hell, I don't even know if you're out there, but . . . If you are . . . And if you can hear me, I, um . . . We need your help, God. We need to know there's hope. We need a sign.

And then there's the VERY long-awaited apology:

SAM When I was with Lucifer, he, um... He showed me things. It was like a highlight reel of my biggest failures. DEAN Yeah, he was messing with you. That's what he does. SAM Give me a sec. I should've looked for you. When you were in Purgatory, I... I should've turned over every stone.

Family (Sam) as chains

While all of this is happening, we also have Benny and Cas and Crowley and Amara.

Benny is contrast—someone whose goodness and selfless loyalty only makes Sam's horrible flaws stand out more sharply in season 8. Under the influence of the specter, Dean says, "Benny has been more of a brother to me this past year than you have ever been" and Sam can't stand it. It haunts him so bad he tries to kill Benny, and can't get over it even after the end of the season when Benny is fucking dead. He is unable to accept that the contrast between himself and Benny is his own fault.

Crowley and Dean's flirtations begin in season 9, as Sam suffocates Dean, and at the end of the season, Crowley has literally convinced Dean to run away with him. In 10.01, there is a delightful phone call where Crowley rubs it in Sam's face that Dean is with HIM:

SAM I don't know how you did this, what kind of... Black-magic stunt you pulled, but hear me --I will save my brother or die trying. CROWLEY You know what tickles me about all this? It's what's really eating you up. You don't care that he's a demon. Heck, you've been a demon. We've all been demons. No, it's that he's with me and he's having the time of his life. You can't stand the fact that he's mine. SAM He's not your pet. CROWLEY My pet? He's my best friend, my partner in crime. They'll write songs about us, graphic novels. “The Misadventures of Growley and Squirrel." Dean Winchester completes me, and that's what makes you lose your chickens.

It's this cruel callback to Sam's jealousy of Benny and Cas in season 8—how Crowley convinced Dean to finally ditch his smothering, controlling brat of little brother who can't stand him having friends, and now Dean is having the time of his life howling at the moon. The problem is, Dean also feels a little bit like maybe Crowley wants to control him too, and that isn't working for him.

Amara in season 11 goes on to further speak on terrible brothers who think they're better than you, who leave you betrayed and diminished, who abandon you. She's raging against the concept of family as chains—she wants revenge... but all the while she's in pain because she still loves her brother. Amara's attraction to Dean is based on that commonality—what she feels is a shared experience and how she wants to cut the last remaining pieces of love she feels for her brother away so she can finally be free of the pain of him—and she doesn't care if she destroys everything—including herself—in the process. (See: Dean slowly losing his identity through the MoC arc). Sam and Dean's relationship is in rehab over this whole season though, and so Dean's role ends up being to convince Amara not to destroy herself—to instead do what Sam and Dean have done and make up and work on improving their relationship.

#writer disk horse #carver #mail #multiseason #season 8 #season 9 #season 10 #season 11 #sams moral compass #deans moral compass #amara #crowley #benny #charlie #family chains

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enden-k · 2 months ago

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hey! i absolute love your art and specially your ocs. i don't know if anyone asked you already and i apologize if you already answered this but i was wondering how did you came up with vika and saran's dynamic? i find them really interesting and appealing to see and i wanted to know your thoughts on how they came to be. sorry if i didn't make much sense, hope you have a good day!

oh its just a dynamic i really enjoy (mutual obsession; intense, extreme, true love to the point of consumption in any way; anything but "normal" (for a lack of better word, i hate this word) love) but dont rlly see bc of ppl either making everything extremely vanilla and pure bc theyre afraid most of the time, or the constant noncon/one persons obsession w another whos scared/doesnt want it in comics and i dont like the one and the other thing

i dont want them to force themselves on the other but i dont want clinically pure romance either. i need them both to be crazy as shit, to be obsessed with other and the other wanting it too

theres also some other stuff i dont really wanna get into. lets just say, im interested in looking into love itself and imagining how it is. its safe and not scary when i study it through art and not irl. bc i think if i (or maybe anyone else whos not uhh. like me) would experience a fraction of sarans or vikas love, i would actually go insane(r) from intensity lol

i kinda like mutual obsession/a level of possessiveness; i like not the cutesy, cozy simmer of affection beneath your skin but the full blown, all consuming love eating you whole; i like the need to be the only thing in your beloveds gaze and mind; i like that intensity of love, it makes you want to crawl inside your beloveds body to fully quench your need to be close them; the need to consume them to keep them as close to you as possible; i dont want power imbalance but both of them on the same level and same intensity of love. i want them both to give and to take. its so hard to put in words and i can only hope i can bring it across w them properly

anw yeah. when i started writing amygdala out, my plan was to make a lovestory like i already said before since i usually dont do lovestories when it comes to original works (i tend to do horror/dark fantasy/comedies); its just, its a lovestory in my way, ultimate love how i perceive it

i love gross or eerie things behind a pretty and/or seductive/erotic layer; the beauty of horror and unusual things and over it all, smth pure and innocent (be it by looks or concept. in this case, its vika and their love)

i think amygdala isnt only a lovestory between saran and vika but also a lovestory in the sense of things i just really love (mutual obsession and deep true love, consumption, ghosts, tentacles im not even joking, horror,....)

tl;dr: man i love octopus

sorry this got so long and i feel like i dissociated somewhere in the middle of it so im sorry if this makes no sense, doesnt answer anything or if im jumping around. literally going insaner than i already am over my own characters here wahh

#UM. ANYWAYS.#reply #amygdala stuff

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homerforsure · 2 months ago

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TL;DR: it's not my ship, but they were done dirty

I always always always come back to that weird little reveal that when they were first floating the idea to bring Tommy back, they said it was to do a storyline with Eddie and it got switched to Buck because it was too weird or tricky to have them both break up with their LIs offscreen but only one actress could come back.

Because a stepping stone relationship makes perfect sense for Eddie. Something short and intense with angst and softness for him to get to this moment of letting himself feel joy and to taste how truly good it can be. He didn't need an endgame relationship right now. He did need to have his "first."

Buck didn't need that. Buck is absolutely ready for his forever and he has been for a while and giving him the "inviting Natalia to move in and then catching his own bad habit for once and backing out" would have been great.

But that didn't happen. Instead Eddie had to sit like a hot dog on one of those rolling warmers for a season while Buck started the queer dominos falling (and I admit this is a little bit from a Buddie endgame perspective because it doesn't feel to me like the show was deciding to explore the a character's sexuality just for exploratory purposes and I'm willing to admit I have a blind spot here.)

And honestly I think the fact that Oliver cares so much about Buck and telling this story well both for the character and everyone who sees himself in him and that Lou met that energy turned the storyline and the relationship into a more beautiful beginning than it would have been in the hands of other actors.

Which gave the show it's next problem. Because we can all see that Buck is ready for his forever love and you introduced a new love interest and then instead of sticking to a few episodes of awakening and moving on, I think they saw that people were starving for it and latched onto it and Tommy harder than they expected. So it's an easy thing to do to milk that for a little bit longer, but it was absolutely the wrong choice because people got invested in a way they wouldn't have if this had ended after the original number of episodes we expected.

And Buck and Tommy worked! I think you can nitpick relationship things if you weren't that into it and write a breakup narrative using those seeds, but their puzzle pieces absolutely fit together. So much so that they definitely had forever after potential that everyone could see and a lot of people were excited about and investing in and oops wait that wasn't the plan.

So what do you do? You either abandon the plan and embrace the accidental beauty that you discovered and let it ride or you write your way out of it. Give them some hurdles, some angst. Give them a tear-jerking breakup that respects what you built and the viewers who are invested in it and slowly work your way back to where you wanted to be.

They didn't write their way out of it.

And I so don't want to believe that after the work the actors put in and the viewer feedback that they were still viewing the relationship as a placeholder ready to be yeeted once Eddie's arc got back in position again, but I'm not sure what the alternatives are?

Either it's being talked about that this is the last season and so if they're really doing buddie then it's now or never? Or actually the internet is not a valid reflection of the viewership as a whole and someone from on high said the plug should be pulled?

Or the storyline was stumbled into and fumbled around from the beginning and never treated with as much care by the people in charge of it as it was by the people who loved it.

IDK it's just messy messy storytelling and I say that as someone who is not a multishipper but who does value a good story and a good narrative. They let the relationship go on for too long to end it so abruptly. If there was going to be a breakup, there was a better one to be had and it doesn't make me feel good that my preferred happy ending could come from one that breaks the heart of so many of my friends. And if it isn't in the service of a bigger, already in motion endgame, literally what the fuck?

#911 spoilers #babbling hours #idk what to tag this #also making abby an actual plot point to all of this really makes it feel like a joke #like that's a thing to say as a funny haha callback 'wait what?' moment #it didnt' need to be part of buck and tommy deciding what their relationship was #also i haven't seen the episode!#i just feel like i have #so if i missed something #fair enough

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gabrielsbubblegumbitch · 8 months ago

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Can you explain what's the deal with Val's mother rosary?

OOOHHHH SURE I'm actually dying to do this since it was not possible to do in text!

(For the record, anon refers to this fic of mine but tl;dr when Valentino spawned in Hell he was holding his mother's rosary. He threw it away multiple times but it keeps reappearing.)

Basically, like Val said, his mother prayed a lot for him. She didn't want him to turn out like her abusive husband, so she prayed that he'd somehow avoid following the seemingly inevitable path of evil (she pretty much knew there was a slim chance he wouldn't get recruited by the cartel). But it didn't work. She was killed too early to even try raising him to be a better man. However, even in heaven, she kept praying, hoping to grant him some saving grace for all the awful things he was doing. But it wasn't enough. Val never even tried to redeem himself, and after death, he ended up in hell.

Okay, so here's where my Catholic upbringing kicks in: there's this belief that prayers can help souls in purgatory get to heaven. And while I might not be the most religious person, I'm a sucker for themes of maternal love and angst. So, the rosary becomes a tangible symbol of Val's mother's faith, powered by divine magic. Val himself has no clue about it, but it's essentially his ticket to heaven. Not a free pass, mind you, but a sign that his otherwise irredeemable acts could be forgiven if he changes his ways, because his mother spent her life, and even afterlife, fighting for his soul. It's more of a reward for her than for him. And that's the tragic part: Valentino will never seize this opportunity. I mean, there's no instruction manual attached, so he doesn't really know what the rosary is supposed to do. But every time he holds it, he recalls what his mother wanted for him and how much she cared. Deep down, he gets what he's expected to do, but unaware of the potential reward, he rejects the chance every single time. Because he's truly twisted, irredeemable, always opting for evil if it benefits him. And I like making myself sad with the idea that there's still someone having so much faith in him.

#hazbin hotel #valentino #valentino hazbin hotel #headcanon #ask

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littlealeta · 1 month ago

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Spellbound (2024) Review [Spoilers]

Long post! Scroll down for a TL;DR and Aleta Rewrites Version!

I, at first, didn't want to watch this movie. But after hearing some surprisingly decent reviews, I decided to give it a chance. Coming out of it, I can understand why it resonated with some people, even if the writing is ultimately a mess. I think if this came out earlier, in the mid 2010s, without all the controversy John Lasseter has got into as well, I think this could've done a bit better among other simplistic films such as Home and Secret Life of Pets. And I probably would've liked it better myself back then, but alas, I am not a slightly mindless 17 year old anymore, and we live in different times where cute, heartfelt stories are not the only things a movie needs to be good. So, I must view this film objectively as it is.

I will have to say, though, the trailers hid way too much. It's not as horrible as they made it out to be, but still mediocre.

Story

So much to say here...

The story is a real mess. It literally pops off with the parents being monsters. We know nothing of their life beforehand at this point.

There are some good ideas here, like the dark emotions tornado. the parents being monsters concept and having the child be the one to parent their own parents sounds like it could be ridiculously funny, but the problem is, it doesn't do much to set it apart from other stories that have done this before, Brave and Spirited Away with the parents being creatures concept, Wonder Park with the dark emotions symbolism, and It Takes Two with two fighting parents going on an adventure. The monsters at the start could just be Eileen's annoying pets and there would be no difference.

I also like that the main conflict revolves around divorce, a theme that is rarely touched upon in media, especially for children. It's unfortunate that this doesn't come into play until halfway through the story. The message is very heartfelt and a good lesson for children going through this same situation.

There are some good scenes here. Like there's some creative and beautiful segments like the echo or the Look for the Light scene. Most of the humor is actually well-written, although, I probably could've done without the freaky friday thing as it doesn't really contribute to the story. There are a couple times where I felt the humor is tacked on, but other than that, most of them felt natural.

One thing that doesn't make sense about the story, though, is the parents gradually getting their humanity back after it was said that they would get it back at the lake. This was never explained. I believe I could subtly see the reason why that may be the case. The parents and Elliaan are starting to accept the reality of the marriage. But, there's not enough implication to connect that reasoning to the story, and it just feels contrived.

The way conflict gets resolved is often anticlimatic. Like, in the echo scene, the parents suddenly saying "Girl" for no reason and getting their humanity back felt rushed and contrived as well as Bolinar being able to somehow call in the other flinks during the big climatic moment.

Characters

The characters either don't really have much personality or feel one-note.

Princess Elliaan is just your typical Disney protagonist. She's cheerful, optimistic, good-natured, and a bit clumsy. She lacks any flaws, quirks, or depth to help her stand out.

The parents only show their personalities when they're fighting. They, too, have nothing to make them stand out.

The only characters who kinda have a personality are Bolinar and the Oracles, but even they feel a bit one-note. Bolinar's only characteristic is that he's perpetually negative, and he really doesn't contribute anything to the story. The Oracles, being minor characters, aren't very memorable.

Flink is just your average trouble-making Disney sidekick.

Animation/Music/Voice Acting

I love Princess Eileen's design, I think she's very cute. However, that is all the positives I have in regards to the animation. There are some different artistic styles used in some of the musical segments, but most of the animation is just your average 2010s 3D animation.

Music is alright. Most of it is not memorable. There are a couple of weird moments where it seems like the characters were talking more than singing. My personal favorite would be The Way it Was Before. It's catchy, and the sweetest and most heartfelt song out of them all.

The voice actors do well with both funny and serious moments. I have to give props especially to Rachel Zegler, for both her singing and her ability to convey emotions. I really felt her character there.

Overall/TL;DR

I give Spellbound 5.4 bells out of 10

The story takes too long to reveal itself and get interesting. There is barely a concrete arc there, it could easily be seen as a movie where "things happen". A lot of the conflict is resolved anticlimatically, too. There are inklings of a deep, emotional, and creative movie in there, but it needed some more drafting to get there. The comedic timing is mostly well-written, though, besides a few tacked on moments.

Characters feel pretty one-note and Elliaan is just your average Disney princess.

Besides a few artistic musical segments, the animation is mostly generic. Although, I think Princess Elliaan is very cute.

Music is ok, quite forgettable. The only catchy one being the heartfelt The Way It Was Before.

Voice actors did their jobs well, especially Rachel Zegler in terms of both her singing and emotional range.

It's passable enough for kids and those who want to Netflix and chill. It's a simple movie with a good heart and there's nothing wrong with that, but in terms of story and characterization, it's pretty bland with nothing much to make it stand out from other animated kids fare.

In an Aleta Rewrites story, I would of course start off with the parents being humans. Elli is harboring resentment for them due to their constant fighting and planned divorce and just wants everything to be peaceful again. Due to Elli's resentment, the parents themselves are having trouble going through with the divorce because they want to "stay together for the kid". Their fighting causes the parents to turn into monsters because this is how Elliaan sees them. At the start, I would try to do something a little more creative with the parents being monsters concept to set it apart from other movies that have done this before. Like, maybe instead of just having them be rambunctious creatures, show more facets of their personalities. Like, maybe the parents' personalities are still somewhere in there and they're trying to talk to Eileen or trying to help Eileen, but their monster sides just keep coming out and it just all ends in the wrong way. Also, show more of the parents fighting as monster forms instead of just acting like pets causing trouble around the castle.

Let Elliaan's growth happen more naturally instead of at the last minute. And her growth (her acceptance of the changes the parents want to make to their marriage) is the reason her parents slowly gain back humanity. Their adventure is a representation of Elliaan and her parents' journey to accept the truth that the marriage is not going to work out well. Show more symbolic elements of Elliaan's resentment and her growth similar to how you showed symbolic scenes of the parents fighting with the quicksand and the echo.

I would also have Bolinar be more of the foil who often ditches and kinda gets in the way of Elliaan and her parents' adventure. His selfish attempts at trying to get back his body hurt their plans (more scenes like the acorn trail scene), until he grows to be more helpful in the adventure and realize his selfish ways.

#spellbound #spellbound netflix #john lasseter #review #aleta rewrites #skydance animation

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ebonysplendor · 6 months ago

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Infatuation 💰🏞️

TL;DR: What's worse than running away from one psychopath? Running away from six psychopaths. Even worse than that? They're rich psychopaths, with shmonies. Also, can we make a damn plan and stick to it please?!

Game Link: https://aspenglen.itch.io/infatuation

Notable Features: Self-Insert, Customizable (somewhat), Multiple Endings, Multiple LIs, Yandere LIs, 4+ hours of gameplay Spiciness: 2/5 -- It can get a little flirty and a little spicy here and there, but the main "spice" is when there's an unwanted advance from some of the LIs LI(s) Red Flags: 3.8/5 -- Kidnapping, drugging, nonconsensual sexual advances, tied up, branded, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, physical force

Wanna know more? Meh...I say not unless you're at least 16. There's not an age restriction, buuuuuuuuuut I don't feel like anyone's 12-year-old sibling should be playing this. That being said, I can't do much from behind a screen, so let's get into it!

Just a heads up, the game was long as shit, so this review is going to be long as shit;;

Oh hey. Didn't see ya there. Oh this? This is just my first post in about a month. Thought I'd just...sliiiiide on in here, get thangs swangin' again. Lol but no seriously. It has been a pretty crazy month, but I've finally got enough time and rest at the same time to finally make this review, and aha...

Respectfully...I understand that all good things must come to an end, but damn, I really miss that phase where I was running into all the really good visual novels...

That being said, I know what I said, but hear me out! The game isn't...awful...but I didn't really vibe with it. Like, I know why I didn't vibe with it, but I'd rather wait and get into all of that during the review portion. Hopefully, based on the summary I give you, the review and criticism I have will make sense.

Anyways, this game, interestingly enough, is actually a rendition -- am I using that word right? I believe I am...? -- of a story that was written on Wattpad, and don't act all brand new like you don't know what Wattpad is! You know damn well what Wattpad is because here you are playing and reading visual novels and reviews of visual novels about toxic ass men being a (forced) love interest. Don't try to play me. I'm getting distracted though!

So the name of the story on Wattpad, like the game, is Infatuation, and it's about...well actually, I'm gonna give you a summary of what it's about because this visual novel is based off of it! I was going to give the actual story a read after I finished the visual novel but, uh...

Almost a 24 hour read???? Yeah, no thanks, and you'll hopefully understand why I didn't have much motivation to give it a read after my review.

I'm pretty over yapping in the intro, though, so let's head into the actual game, yeah? As per the usual, I'm going to tell you as much about the game as possible without ruining the game itself. Without a better transition sentence, let's get into it!

So boom.

We're on our way to school, and we meet up with our -- quite frankly -- thirsty ass friends. They're pretty much raving about this new group of boys that had just transferred to our school, because, not only are they super rich, they are, apparently, extremely attractive.

We pretty much brush this off, though, because we're not looking for anything romantic. Honestly, we're barely looking for anything platonic; however, we agreed to be their wingman since we're essentially God-tier at picking up men that we don't want.

That being said, by some weird stroke of luck -- or misfortune, considering we know that this is all going to go very left as the story progresses -- we proceed to run into every single one of them. And I mean

every.

single.

frickin.

one.

of.

them.

Well, kinda? The blond one had a class with the blue-haired guy, us, and the bestie. The purple haired one -- even though it's more of a burgundy? -- was in the vicinity after we had pretty much asked the other boys about him because this was the one that the besties were simping over the most. But the rest? Pretty much had a one-on-one moment with all of them, even if one was extremely douchey.

Anyways, we're kind've going about our days and the besties are still thirstin', and, admittedly, we're getting closer to these guys -- too close. One of our other friends -- his name is Hiroko -- pretty much warns us about them because something just seems real sketchy to him about these guys. That being said, we just kind've brush him off, because it's, like, sir? Who are you to talk about someone being sketchy? Like, lmao mans is a full on delinquent with a whole ass gang and a criminal history with the police, and they can't stand his ass.

He's a good sport about it, though, because even though he's like "You're a full blown dumbass for that", he's like "True, true..." and just warns us to be careful around them. Now mind you, his concern is totally fair, because it's discovered later on that they pretty much fucked up this one kid's world -- you'll have to discover how during your own playthrough, though. I ain't tellin' you all that lmao.

Now, fast forwarding a lot here, shit lowkey starts hitting the fan because the bae comes back in town -- not official bae, but still bae -- and conveniently enough, he is the brother of our two besties

Everyone. This is Kenzen; the man that we're pretty sure is gonna be our husband and baby daddy one day, maybe not even in that order, but those things exactly.

Now, the reason why shit starts hitting the fan is because all of a sudden, the school boys are starting to realize that we already have our future husband picked out. Shit proceeds to get super tense once this knowledge it learned, and the boys are start to slowly but slowly lose their shit. Allow me to show you

Exhibit A: A most vicious side-eye competition

Exhibit B: The OG death grip and growl

and Exhibit C: The comply or choose death, but drunken

Oh, and let's just throw this one in for some added flair.

And definitely this one.

And why would we not add this one?

Yep, the fan was pretty much hit with shit so...yeah lmao. Go ahead and give it a go so you can see how we ended up with the most romantic gift of a necklace and a finger.

Lmao I wasn't joking about the finger by the way.

And now to air all of my grievances...

Lol nah, I'm joking, but also...there's a lot to unpack here.

First off, let's talk about the good!

So...our psychopathic LIs. Can we just acknowledge the diversity? Like, you had your pale guy, your dark guy, your tan guy, your fair skin guy, like...? I seriously appreciate that time was taken out to actually make all the LIs look different from each other and not some copy-paste, change the eye color and hair thing. I absolutely LOVED the diversity of the LIs.

Not to mention, the MC is diverse a well! Granted, like typical, we can't really SEE it except in the occasional CG, but it was just dope that there was even an option, ya know?

Also! The concept of the story was actually pretty solid! Some of the things that happened were interesting, and I definitely had a "...Well, damn ._." moment here and there.

Now for the...not so good.

This flowed like a stereotypical Wattpad story. That's obviously no fault of the dev, but, for me, the point of renditions is to take something and make it a little better or give it some extra flair without ruining what the OG creator intended -- that didn't really happen, and that was honestly what bugged me the most out of everything.

I didn't really care that there'd be strings and strings and strings of dialogue before the next choice finally came up nor did I care that, while it appeared to be choice heavy, it was actually just an illusion on choice where it didn't really matter how you responded to certain things; it just was. But yeah, the pacing was...well, let me expose myself a little (don't come after me. I'm a tiny and cozy blog lol)

If you make posts on tumblr, then you know what this is. For those that don't know and/or can't guess what it is, this shows the interaction that my blog gets or my "activity" more accurately. The reason why I brought this out was because...this was how the story's pacing was.

First, it'd be on a steady progression, and then it'd drone on and on and on into a plateau, but then -- out of no where -- shit will randomly escalate and just take off into this fit of drama...but then it'd quickly drop. There was no real flow, and when there was, it'd be super inconsistent. Not to mention, the wishy-washiness of the MC and the unpredictability of the LIs (which duh, right?), the pacing would just take off and then would come to a dead stop. It's like there was no balance between the narration, the drama, and the transitions to the next scene. Like, yeah, you've gotta story tell, obvi, but don't drone on for-- actually I can show you that as well.

Did you notice how long that clip was? Imagine how long it took to read...

That was just straight up narration, and there was multiple times where this happened. Nothing really happening, no choices to make, just straight up narration. Well, no, I lied a little. Things did happen, but once again, it'd come out of no where. It, quite literally, will go from having a normal conversation, and then the yandere side just comes out totally unprovoked. Like? It's honestly more for shock factor than for story, and it got to a point where I was honestly just tired of the game itself and was wanting it to end...but it ended up being 3 hours longer, and I'm not even joking about that. Once again, I can show you.

This was the point I started getting ill with the game but felt that I was towards the end and pushed on to finish it out

This was when I realized that I was clearly wrong about that being "almost the end" and took pretty much another 3 hours to get through.

And yes, for the most part, I played it in one sitting with the exception of when I got me a little snacky snack and went to pee. Oh? You're curious about what time I started playing?

Around 5 hours beforehand...

Notice that that all says 19 June 2024. I have never been so glad to see the ending screen...

It wasn't even because it was bad! It was just. so. extremely. long. And for, what felt like, no reason to be that long. Granted, I could've stopped and saved and came back, but it always felt like I was either getting to the end or to a good part, and it just never came -- not that there wasn't any good parts, but...never mind, I feel like I make it worse the more I try to explain...

Anyways, the game wasn't awful by any means, but it definitely could use some improvement. The whole thing had good potential, the pacing of it really just killed it for me, and had that been better executed? This would've been a great game, but it's honestly just...decent. It had multiple endings, but outside of each of the yandere LIs' ending? I didn't bother trying to get the others.

Even still, while I don't recommend the game, I think it's still worth giving it a casual playthrough! There's plenty of material to read, and there are some interesting parts! Like I said, it's just a pacing issue. Not to mention the MC was pissing me off with that wishy-washy bullshit. Like, bro, survival is at the top of the list. Why are you making a plan and doing the exact opposite of what you were gonna do? Like, what the fuck is you doin'?!

You'll understand it when you play it yourself so...give it a fair try? Here, I'll even put the link here! Heck, and give the dev some encouraging words and, even though I didn't see it, some monetary support! The game itself was honestly fine! It was just the storytelling needed some work, which lowkey isn't even their fault because it was based off of a Wattpad story (I'll link that again here, by the by).

Okay, this review is about to be the same length as the game. I'm going to go ahead and head out of here. Just to reiterate, the game is free! Giving it a casual playthrough never hurts! I mean, what've you got to lose except about 4 - 6 hours?

Okay, really, I'm out of here now! Remember! Drink water, don't be dumb, and hope to see you around~!

Infatuation

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crehador · 12 days ago

Text

brother crab's fall 2024 parting thoughts: uhhhhh basically everything

doing these all in one batch because i have been falling behind big time this season orz

long post under the cut

acro trip & kabushiki gaisha magi lumiere: the two magical girl series i picked up this season, both delightful! my only gripe is i wish acro trip had also gotten a season two, but thrilled to have more magilumi coming eventually

sengoku youko: after the wreck that was biscuit hammer THANK FUCKING GOD THIS WAS GOOD, and it was really. really. really good. it's not the, like, shiniest thing you'll ever see in 2024 in terms of animation, and the story isn't exceptionally unique or anything, but it's a great, classic adventure fantasy that has a really nostalgic feel to it

haigakura: ummmmmmmmm the less said the better. let's move on

tasuuketsu: was it good? no. was it compelling? also no. did i watch all 24 episodes? well. man idk the beginning was a mess, and not even the fun sort of mess, and the situation did not really improve. however i do feel like there's some potential in the characters and death game mechanics here, just fully unrealized potential, which is just... frustrating. anyway. do not recommend

touhai: this one's rolling onwards into a second cour but this is the fun sort of mess. it delivers on its gritty-dark premise in all the ways that yakuza fiance (i'll get to that) doesn't. do i even necessarily like its gritty-dark premise? ehhh... but i do respect it for being just. balls to the wall ridiculous

raise wa tanin ga ii: mannnnn this one probably warrants its own post because i could go on and on about what i found lacking here if anyone wants to hear it, but the tl;dr is i just don't feel like they committed to the yandere-ness of the yandere relationship quite enough. but i did love yoshino and i did love kirishima... 's voice (basically picked this up solely for ishida akira lol) so it was fine. whatever. it was fine

rekishi ni nokoru akujo ni naruzo: surprisingly decent villainess series! for a while it seemed like it was going to fall into the boring old trap of actually the villainess is Good and the heroine is Evil. while our aspiring villainess is clearly not Evil in this, she's at least going about her supposed 'villainy' in a somewhat interesting way

kimi wa meido-sama.: i... i don't know. i think overall i did enjoy this, i remember it having a really strong start, the main characters were both really charming and fun, but it sort of fizzled out for me. i don't really have a problem with the flagrant wish fulfillment-y vibe here, it's just i guess i feel like it didn't really strike a steady balance between the romance, the slice-of-life bits of yuki trying to lead a normal life, and the looming hints of her ominous history. it's not that these things can't all coexist, the show was just a little clumsy about balancing them imo

kamonohashi ron no kindan suiri s2: honestly i don't think this has gotten worse, i think it's just gotten to be not my thing. when ron said "this is the last case i'll ever thought" i said out loud "promise? 🥺" so... i probably shouldn't continue if they make another season. but they did just get suwabe in here so. we'll see

blue lock s2: lol. lmao even

goukon ni ittara onna ga inakatta hanashi: an absolute delight! all the characters wound up being really fun to follow but for me fuji and asagi absolutely stole the show. they were just too good

maou 2099: this has one more episode to go, but i can't imagine my thoughts on it changing much. and my thoughts are it was fun! nothing mindblowing in the end, but solidly fun. you can feel the hpmi all over it

natsume s7 & bleach tybw cour whatever & beastars final season pt1: lumping these together since pretty much all i have to say on them is it's more of the same, which is a very good thing. bleach and beastars quality is staying up, and natsume is still the same natsume we know and love which is exactly what i want it to be forever and ever

dandadan & ranma 1/2 & ao no hako: grouping these together because they're clearly the big names of the season (well idk about ao no hako but i certainly hope it's one, because it deserves to be) and there's not much i can say that hasn't already been said. they look great and were/are (ao no hako is continuing into a second cour) a delight to watch. dandadan does a great job of portraying not just kids being kids but weird kids being weird kids, which is a somewhat rare delight. ranma 1/2 and ao no hako are both peak romance. ranma is also such a visual joy to watch

of the three... ough... i feel like i have to give anime of the season to ranma because it was just such a pleasure to watch, but i have such a soft spot in my heart for ao no hako right now. it's just gorgeous, and the characters feel so wonderfully real. the only thing knocking it down a bit is i don't enjoy love triangles in general, but like if there has to be one, ao no hako's is not (currently) that annoying

anyway this is not my anime of the season post so more on that later

i think... that's... everything? maybe? chi and slf s2 are both excellent, but more on those after their second cour. the one thing i will say about slf s2 for now is nothing has topped the wethermon fight for me yet and phew. it's gonna be tough because that fight was peak

tsumasho, mecha-ude, and murai no koi i've already made separate posts on. some other two cour stuff i'll also save comments on for next season

oh wait

kinokoinu: this was cute but not all the memorable i guess, as evidenced by the fact that i. just. nearly forgot it lol

anyway! i'd say overall this was a very solid season with some seriously underwatched sleeper hits like mecha-ude. anime of the season is... going to be fun to think about. much to consider

#crab watches #various things #fall 2024 #parting thoughts #sorry this is deeply disorganized this is just. everything lmao #i guess that's what my various things tag is for!#the lesson here is i really need to watch less every season 😭#this was... so many......

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