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tremendouslyjollydelusion · 5 years

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Walls Within Walls

Spoiler, Long Read - Get Comfy Before You Read, Thx

This is not about me. It's about you, him, her, them, or maybe its about us, yes, all of us.. This is about someone out there who might felt the same way. I used to be very... I don't how to say it.. Hmm Open? Welcoming? Accepting? Social? Nicer -ish?? 🤔 I don't know. Haha. Well, let's just say used to be all those things...

One day, something popped up.

"Hey, we have good news, we have a big plan for us, and this is happening. So, we want you to be prepared like really prepared."

I was like, sure thing, I'll prepare, just like that without thinking it twice, taking it lightly. So, I prepared, prepared, and prepared. Day by day turned into weeks, one - two - three weeks, turned into months. Four - five - six months, turned into years.

As the time went by, things got quite a bit good. I mean, family, friends, close ones, loved ones, friendly acquaintance, lovely neighbours, school, university, (such a spoiled fcuking brat! Lol) all the things that most people wanted, which I am very greatful of. Well, not all the good things, there were a lot of down time and sad momments too which I am also kind of grateful to happened. You know, there's always a lesson or two that you can take when things are going so good or rock bottom.

Where was I? 🤔

Oh yeah, when things were kind of going quite a bit well, building my so called Social Empire-ish or most of you can call it "life" haha. Ignoring the purpose of what am I preparing for, honestly, I almost forgot, and I don't give a fcuking damn about that "big plan". I just went full throttle on life, fun all night and day long mode. Haha.

Where was I again? Sorry I got distracted a lot. Lol.

Yea, so, things was going quite well if don't mind saying that?? I guess? 🤔 Yeah, that's okay, I'll edit later on. Well, IF anyone even read it lol.

Okay, stay on track. Wow, this is harder than I thought. Lol

Let's keep this simple, after everything that happened all those years that I forgot what I worked for, the day that I thought it won't happen anytime soon. is happening, right now. Well, not now now you know? I mean back then now? You know what I'm saying? Lol

Yes, things some how eventually popped up again..

"Hey, heads up big guy, you know the thing that we told you all those years ago, the big plan for us? It's happening in a few days. Like it's happening dude, finally."

I was like, woww that's great, cool cool.. just give me a moment. And in that moment, things got really slow, just like in the movies you know, slow-motion, screen turned into grey, and slowly turned into the dark then flashbacks every to every happy sad good bad moments that happend from all those years.

I was like, wow, that was quick. Do I really wanna do this? I mean I can still choose, they gave me options.. but again all those years that I worked for. Wait, no, when I think back again. All those years they worked for, their sacrifices a lot things, not just their jobs, they have family and friends too. They dedicated their life for me. Time ladies and gentlemen, their time for me.

So, yeah, I will spare you the details. Lol

My head keeps telling me, dude what the hell, what about your school here? Can you like finish it first?

In my thought I was like can you even finish it on time?? I was like, maybe I could..

In my thought I was like just finish it, its only one more year! You can do it? I was like, can I really?

My other thoughts was like, what about your friends? The gangs? Close ones? Love ones? Your family here? Grandmas??? Who's gonna take care of her?? She live with your family for a reason, right??

Yeap, it didn't end well with her, I thought leaving my friends will be hard, but I was fcuking wrong. Lol. My friends, I knew them all, I spent more time with them rather than stay at home, because I knew I won't be around with them soon, so yea, I did what I did.

But not with her, one of the reasons that kept me well fed, cared for me I guess for all those unique years. Of course she cared for me, for fcuk's I'm going to hell for this.😂😭😂😜😂 Yes, I am not quite a good person, I didn't knew her well, for 20 years I spent my life with her, I didn't knew her that well. I know I know, shame on me, go on, tell me something I don't know lol. Tell me something new, I love being judge, I guess. Lol.

Pheeeewww.. that brings back all the emotion. Shee-it, daaayumm, that was good.😭😂

So, yea, if you're still reading, you know what to do, don't make the same mistake that I did. If not, well, I'm okay with it😄

And yes, for my friends, I guess I was knew all along from the start. I just hate the fact that I'm going to leave them, which I did. So I just forget about it and act like the big plan was just a plan that will happen not so soon hopefully. Well, it isn't but it feels so fast, you know?

So, I just kept it to myself, plus they told me not to tell, so yea, why would I want to tell people that ridiculous plan (at first) until it's actually happening lol. However, I kept it to myself for years, until I vaguely remember it. You'd be surprise what your mind capable of if you started believing it, keep saying it over and over.

Eventually, gotta tell some of my close friends that I'm leaving in a few days. I didn't tell all of them, not because they're not important, no, they really do, I mean genuinely, they're the ones besides my family that helped me to be person that I am today and they still do even from a thousand miles away, which I am very grateful to have them in my life.

I think it's too much for me to say goodbyes to all of them. Also, I understand that not everyone can have time too you know, I'm just a guy, and they're about to started their life too, finishing school, college, uni, having a family perhaps at that time?? Finding out their true purpose of their life. They have their own things to do, most likely had busy agenda too, and I'm just a small potato who lives in big tiny world called Earth and about to leave to another side of the Earth you know.

So, yeah, it was really nice and moving goodbyes, and obviously sad, but a little happy too, not happy leaving them though. It's just nice, felt the warmth in my heart. Lol

Long story not that short, here I am, a thousand miles away from home. It was not easy for me to come and live here in Canada, to leave every thing behind your family, friends, relatives, loved ones, your home. To press that reset button, build everything from zero. Well, not exactly from zero, my family have some friends that could help us settling and guide us to the right path. But for me, it was quite the journey, that reset button though. Boiii, turned my world upside down, different culture, different road, rules, diverse people with different cultures, and plus I have to learn how to socialize with them. I've been prepared for this my whole life, studied English my whole life, its been almost five years since I got here, yet, still don't know how to write, speak, listen properly. Haha.

Most importantly I have to learn to trust again, with everything that's going on in my head and emotions. It feels like I build this thick walls around me, not letting people in somehow. I don't how, it's not the people here though. Most people here are genuinely nice, friendly, and helpful if you know how to properly interact with them.

It's just me that somehow build these thick walls. Maybe some of you have these feelings ??🤔 If you do, give me a heads up, will you?😄

Also another reason why I write this post is because I recently got a new job, nothing fancy, just dishwashing job in a restaurant. Lol. But they welcomed me pretty good, we have a great team, everybody helping everyone, feels familiar, you know. Everybody keep checking how's everyone's doing. Making sure everything is okay, undercontrol, everyone got each other's back, feels fun, safe, feels like home.

But then again, there's so much trust here. The problem is the things in my head, the other part of me that build these thick walls that keeps me in my solitary palace. Which sometime its nice you know, you have a quite place just you and the Creator. Its just nice and tiny little big white box with everything you need inside of it and thick solid walls around it which has hidden doors that only you can open it from the inside.

For the record, I actually do trust them, you know, the work place and it's people, they want me to be comfortable when I work, but they also want to help me to get things done efficiently and being able to do and learn a lot more than just washing dishes, such cooking, etc. help me build up and align my goals with the company goals, within a certain time or deadlines. Not so bad afterall, besides the crazy amount of heavy work. I could use some support and push from them. Thank you for that, genuinely.

I guess that's about it for now, I know it's sounds silly, but I actually do have the answer for this perticular issues, it's in this post. Hidden somewhere, but not so hidden behind these thick walls Lolol. However, I also know that it's not the best solution or answer to solve this issues, but if you do have something, please do share it here with me, I could use some unique feedbacks, both for the issues and the English hahha.

So, yeah, I guess this is it, if you're in this section thank you for reading patiently. If not, well, I hope you have a good day or night, whereever you are, whenever the time is there. Again. Thank you and sorry for the terrible grammar. I really appreciated.

Sincierly,

H.R.

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tremendouslyjollydelusion · 6 years

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Idiosyncrasy? Dolor v Verlichting

HR.Dolor :

Okay, you're screwed. They threatend you to kick you out. To THINK. For fuck sake, dude. Why can't you just talk to them?

HR.Verlichting :

You know why. The things that what he wanna said might hurt their feelings, and he doesn't want that. Cause he think that he's selfish and he want soo much more than everyone wants for him. He often think that he cares about everyone, but him. Also he's having trouble to express himself in his own language. I think he doubt himself, shy? Not really. More like overthinking stuff maybe afraid to get out his comfort zone. What else? Let me think.. He thinks about problems that didn't even exist which eventually caused more problems for him. He's tired of being told what to do. But he do it anyway. I know. It doesn't make any sense. But it is what it is, that's how his head works, well at least that what O think lol.

HR.Dol :

Yea, I know, its because he can't make his own decisions in the first place.

HR.Ver :

I know right, but I think he knew that, but again, he's not them, nor his sister or anyone else. Everybody needs their own time to do things. It could take days, weeks, months. Hell, even years, God knows when. What he need is a full support and guidence, no matter what he does, especially from the people that closest or dearest to him. Because to him its hard to figured out his passion. I think he need people to be patient for him, instead of pushing him, telling him what to do.

HR.Dol :

That's bullshit man, all he have to do is just do it! Just like the Nike said lol. He doesn't even have a solid plan, nothing! Zero plan! He's a spoiled brat for fuck's sake dude 😔

HR.Ver :

Hey, easy buddy! You're not helping. You're making things worse, for God's sake. I kindda agree with you tho. But again, back to square one. He's not you, he's parents, sister, brother, cousins or anyone. He is who he is. We can't change that. He's the one in control and responsible for his actions. No one in this world can change that, unless if God willing to.

So, yea. He needs time, everyone has their own timetable of their life. We can't push him too much. If we did, there's two options. Its either he pushed himself jump and spread his wings or fall into endless hell hole. Its too much risk, we can't push him like that.

HR.Dol :

So, you're saying he's a coward? Doesn't wanna take a risk?! Hell yeah, he is! Fucking coward. You know what they said, people who don't wanna take risks will most likely become an unsuccessful retard! Lol🤣😈

HR.Ver :

For God's sake, dude. Its not as simple as that. You should know better than anyone, man. We're here to help him, dude.

HR.Dol :

Holyshit, dude, wake up will you?! We're just some ideas, thoughts, inside the lazyass brain of his!

HR.Ver :

That's exactly my point, my man. We're exists because of him, otherwise we won't be here discussing or solving he's problems in the first place. Help him to see things clearer. You should be grateful.

HR.Dol :

YEA YEAA, WHATEVER! WiseAssssss piece of crap thoughts. Its FRIDAAY! We should be out hanging out, party or some shit.

HR.Ver :

Hold you're horses, kid. We have bigger problems to solve here, buddy. He doesn't have a lot of time. If we ran out of time. All three of us screwed. You want that?!

HR.Dol :

Hell no! I haven't got the chance to have fun for years! Well, at least thats what it felt like to me lol. So what's the plan Mr. WiseAss piece of crap thoughts? 😂

HR.Ver :

Im not sure, but we all know the facts. He need time to think. And that my friend, is not much. He need support, help like everyone else. But I think he will ask for it when the time comes, so if we or anyone give or offer him one in the wrong time, we all know what happens.

HR.Dol :

Well, thats some fucked up good shits going on lol.

So, what's next, big boy?

HR.Ver :

Ikr lol. But we gotta be patient...

HR.Dol :

We knew that already ASSHEAD, you said it a billion times for fuck's sake..

HR.Ver :

Eaassyyy, boy. I'm not finishedd. It's a long list.

Let's see, you said smthng about he's being coward cause he doesn't wanna take risks and it'll make him unsuccessful retard or something, right?

HR.Dol :

Yea, I guess, really I said that??🤔 Well thats harsh lol. What about it tho?

HR.Ver :

Yes, you did. Who's the retard now?😑😄🖕

So, yea. About that, I think he thinks that the term success is different for him. Some people consider success as power, wealth, career etc. For him its happiness. So, yeaa. He thinks that whats the point of having successful career, lots of money, but not happy.

Since he knows he doesn't have a lot of time, and won't live forever. He want to live his life, give his life a meaning, balance in everything, well, not everything. Some things maybe.

HR.Dol :

Yea, I get it, you dumb. But how??! He barely plan shit?

HR.Ver :

Yes, thats the thing. People keep telling him what to do. Things that he might not like or enjoy doing it. They expect more of him. Makes him think that he might dissapointed them if he didn't succeed. And that, he want to avoid. Also don't forget, he's having trouble to express himself in his language, or to anyone. And thats why we're both exists. To help him cope with this kindda thing. Its quite lonely in crowded head of his, complicated but simple at the same time. That's how screwed up he's is. Drowned in his own thoughts. Stopped him to do things in life.

HR.Dol :

Well, Damn, Son. I thought I'm fucked up lol🤣🤣

HR.Ver :

I know right? Its simple actually. He just wanna help people, especially people that closest to him. Such his family, friends. Hell, even strangers. He wanna do things that he enjoy doing. Like his job for example. He hate his job, but he love what he did there, he's helping people(sort of) get what they want, satisfied their needs, its small things actually but it makes him happy, make him feel like he's useful. But at the same time he knows that his job is not going anywhere, and maybe that's why he hate it there. Plus, his folks keep telling him to do somthing, get another jobs, go back to school, get a degree etc. which is not helping him cause he already know it, especially if someone ask him if he's satisfied with what he achieved. Of course not, he know it damn well its far from satisfied. But they keep pushing him, over and over and over aaandd overr. Without knowing what he has in mind, thinks, thoughts, plans (even if its far from solid plan).

Sometimes people need a push which is good, but some people need a support, a guidence with patience of course, and maybe he's one of those people.

HR.Dol :

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening😪

HR.Ver :

WHATT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW DUDE?! You and I both know thats not possible right? 🔥👿😑😇

HR.Dol :

Yea yeaa, whatever dude, its late for fuck's sake😪

HR.Ver :

Hufftt... You're probably right. Its late, and he' has work at dinner shift😔😇

HR.Dol :

Seee? You really should pay more attention, dude.🤔🤡

#random #thoughts #late night thoughts #random thoughts #issues #silly #happy thoughts #fun thoughts #free writting #practice #tjollydelude #late post #march 2018

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