#time to gain 5 pounds in water weight

[coldcrypt]

using coke coffee and nic first thing in the morning just as a lax in order to get a proper weigh in is probably an escalation but fuck it we ball

[bigwishes]

A Bubbly Boost

Eddie had signed up to a new supplement trial a few months ago and heard nothing back, he had almost forgotten about it entirely until this morning when a package arrived for him at his door. It was small only slightly bigger than a ring box and when he opened it up there was a small vial filled with a clear fluid. He checked the box for the instructions.

drink and report how long changes tank using qr code

It was all it said, it seemed simple enough. Eddie swallowed it down without a second thought. It was disgusting and tasted like bubble mixture and was thick like glue in his mouth.

After swallowing it Eddie quickly rushed to get a glass of water to wash the taste out. Quickly gulping down the glass his stomach felt straight, light and hot, and a little bloated. It was a weird sensation that he couldn't describe.

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP

Eddie suddenly let out a huge belch he didn't even feel coming. After he felt his stomach get heavy as it began to make a large gurgling noise.

BUUUUURRRRRRRP

Eddie felt it that time but couldn't stop it

"aw fuck.." UUUUURRPPP

After the third a sensation began to spread across Eddie's body, like he had just spent 6 hours in the gym doing a full body workout, his body was tight. His stomach felt like it was expanding outwards. Eddie rushed over to a mirror and saw he was in fact bigger, like he had gained 10 pounds of muscle in the last 5 seconds,

he felt the sensation creeping up his neck

BUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPP

Eddie watched as his body expanded with each passing belch. He began to panic but couldn't look away.

At first his shoulders grew wider

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRPPPP

then his chest and lats inflated with mass

BUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

His arms blew up so large his bicep would make a basket ball look like a tennis ball.

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPP

His legs began expanding and he had to adjust himself as his massive thighs pushed his dick and balls awkwardly forward.

Eddie began to feel a powerful sensation brewing in his stomach. The gurgling sound rung out through his house and he placed both hands abs feeling the vibrations as he braced himself.

His face grimaced as he felt extreme discomfort brewing under his abs

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPP

UUUUUUURRRRRRRRRPPP

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRRPPPP

UUUUUUUUUUURRRrrrp

Eddie began to panic as he watched his perfect abs begin to bloat out into a roid gut

"AW FUCK WH-WHATS HAPPENING TO ME"

Eddie stared in the mirror, his body was ruined, he just wanted a pound or two, not two hundred, and he didn't look anything close to natural, the big growth hormone gut and the small stretch marks that appeared on his pelvis near it made that abundantly clear...

6 Months Later

Eddie couldn't drop even a pound of muscle no matter what he tried, he even took 2 months off from the gym and went on a diet but nothing...not a pound down. However after a bit it started to grow on him, he liked how much he could move in the gym, he liked that he could eat whatever he wanted and it didn't impact how much fat he carried, he liked nobody ever tried to take his seat at house parties, mainly because nobody wanted to sit on sweat soaked fabric but there was one perk he had fallen in love with, something he didn't expect to be such a turn on all the time....

Eddie got home from the gym, dropping his his gym bag and 3 bags of take out trash on the floor, he striped down and left his sweaty gym clothes in a line trailing to his couch. Over the past month Eddie had stopped caring about picking up after himself, it didn't matter anyway he was always sweaty better to embrace it...

Eddie sat down on his couch hearing the thing bend under his weight and watching the sweat from his thighs bleed into the fabric. He put his massive sweaty feet on the coffee table feeling the relief as the massive amount of weight he carried shift onto the couch.

His stomach let out and aggressive gurgle, he placed his hands on his roid gut rubbing his abs feeling them stretch outwards and become tighter. A loud glugging noise rung out into the room

Eddie threw his head back and moaned in response as the tight bloat reached its limit

"ah fuck yeahhh" Eddie lifted his head and smirked feeling the pressure rush up his body

BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!

[manikas-whims]

Hellooo!

I would love for headcannons of the LADS boys with a Latin reader (Mexican, Colombian, Salvadoran, etc) who loooves to dance and always goes to gatherings (quinceñeras, family bbq’s/ parties, etc). They’re very good at dancing and love to just be on the floor feeling the music. Would love to see their reactions to you having a big family or trying out the food or how you dance and maaaybe convince them to do so too?

hiii, thanks for the lovely request! i must admit i possess limited knowledge about latin cultures but i do hope that you like these..♡

LADS men with a Latin Reader

RAFAYEL

🌊 Remember he told you that he's fluent in many languages? Yeah, he probably already knows and speaks your language well. And even if he doesn't, he knows the commonly used phrases. He'll also ask you to help and correct his pronunciations and grammar.

🌊 He is just like water— easily blends with your family members, entertaining everyone with his lively attitude and forms an instant connection with each one. He's always surrounded by at least 4-5 of your family members.

🌊 He's enthusiastic about your culture. He questions you on why certain rituals are performed in what ways and he loves to learn, and try things for himself. He plans to incorporate it all in his next piece that he's gonna dedicate to you.

🌊 He won't hesitate from the variety of food and drinks offered by your family elders, and will definitely try some of the local alcoholic beverages. He's complimented your mother for her cooking, and by the time you both go back, he's gained a few pounds of weight.

🌊 When Rafayel sees you dancing at a family gathering, he matches your energy on the dance floor. He may not know all the moves but he'll watch you and learn, moving his body in tandem with yours. He might goof around and make you laugh alot. Your family loves him even more for it.

XAVIER

⭐ He’s learnt a few terms here and there from you but he can't speak your language. Though he LOVES hearing you speak it. And even more when you call him nicknames in your native tongue. Definitely gets a lil horny and asks you to use them in bed.

⭐ At first he comes off as quiet and aloof to your family but they slowly take a liking to him. You realize how good of a narrator Xavier is when you see your family members sitting around him in circles at night as he weaves magical tales about princes from distant planets.

⭐ He's a curious kitty. He buys himself flyers about the local specialties of your hometown, and even books tickets to all the historical sites he'd like to visit with you. He enjoys hearing myths about the deities of your lands.

⭐ He loves the food! Every time he experiences a new flavour or spice, you see his eyes light up in delight. He asks help from your mother and other family ladies to help him with some recipes because he wants to cook you some of your hometown food. And all the ladies are swooning. He also enjoys the occasional gossip with them.

⭐ His eyes seem to follow your every move when he sees you dancing. He's recorded a bunch of videos but if asked to join, he's quite hesitant. Though the moment you drag him on the dance floor, he complies. Might step on your foot once or twice, and feel embarrassed about it but overall, he's a fast learner.

ZAYNE

❄️ He doesn't speak your language but he's very keen on learning from you. You deliberately make him say the cheesiest stuff in your language, sometimes even a little naughty things. And when he sees you giggling, he chuckles and calls you childish for pulling such pranks on him.

❄️ Your family immediately takes a liking to him. He's responsible and dependable, and they are happy that you have someone so reliable by your side. They also come to take his advice on every little health related thing when they learn he's a doctor. But they also make a lot of health jokes with him because he's easy to tease.

❄️ He loves hearing about your culture. He complies when you make him try on some of the traditional outfits for men, and is quite pleased to know that you find him even more handsome in them. And he's left awestruck when he sees you in your traditional clothes.

❄️ Zayne does enjoy the variety of flavors in your culture’s food. Though he's even more eager to try out the local sweet dishes. He loves how the recipe varies from hand to hand, and in every household. And he likes the differing tastes of the same sweets.

❄️ He loves watching you dance. He tries to deny you when you ask him to join because he isn't very confident. But after a little convincing, he will comply because it's impossible for him to say no to you. He's awkward on the dance floor but gets loads of encouragement not just from you but all your family members. In the end, you place his arms around your waist and guide his movements, your laughter making him forget his hesitance.

SYLUS

🐦‍⬛ You assume he doesn't know your language and try to prank him by using some bad and naughty words for him but he smirks and responds in the same language, leaving you shocked. He's not fluent but he knows enough to engage in conversations.

🐦‍⬛ Your family is suspicious about his overall persona but soon realize he's quite alright. They are thrilled by the fact that he can sing, and he is definitely pushed by the elders into singing at the family gathering. At least 4 of your cousins have a crush on him.

🐦‍⬛ Just like his grasp on the language, he's quite knowledgeable in your culture. He especially loves the music, some of his favourite musicians being latin. And he most likely knows some of the old songs by heart.

🐦‍⬛ Since he's quite good at cooking, he's given free access to the house kitchen. Your mother and the other family ladies find it charming. They like to discuss seasonings and spices with him, and want him to assist in the arrangements of food. They compliment him for every new dish he learns.

🐦‍⬛ He's not just a good singer but a dancer too. It's surprising when he follows you on the dance floor and begins to match you beat for beat. You don't realize when but you end up having a little dance off between the two of you until he gets bored of competing and pulls you to him so you two can dance together.

» MASTERLIST «

[dthefeeder]

You used to be so fit. A champion swimmer. A literal gym bunny in high school. But you went to where every fit girls body goes to die.

College.

You got more and more less active. You started smoking weed and hoarding snacks. Before you knew it, you gained 30 pounds.

You passed it off as just bloating but you knew it was more than that. You went from being flat chested to having tits for the first time in your life. Your thighs and ass were rounder. You had a little belly too.

Right after you graduated, Covid hit. You actually took the time at first to work out with the extra time and lose weight. That didn’t last long though. Then, everything changed. You stumbled across feedism.

You started water bloating. Then in progressed to juice and soda. You said you’d stop at 135. Then 140. Then, you went back to school.

You gained 15 pounds the first semester back. You stuffed your face full of fast food and ate your way from size 6s to 10s in a few months. You kept saying only 5 more pounds to blowing right by it every time.

Second semester you packed on 20 more pounds of pure, jiggly fat. You ended your first year of grad school officially obese at 170 pounds.

You had a belly that made you look very pregnant. Your tits dominated the top of your frame. Everything jiggled.

You had even started chugging boost shakes. Your thighs rubbed together. You said you’d take a break and maybe lose weight. You had stopped posting yourself online even.

Then, your fatass wanted to show everyone how fat you really got. That’s when your brain got rewired.

The teasing, the praise, the worship. You stuffed your face like never before. You only thought about stuffing yourself. Outgrowing your clothes. You really were a fat girl now.

You ate more and more every passing day. You outgrew your wardrobe quicker and quicker. Soon, the only thing you could cum to was the thought of getting fatter. More obese. Even your face was covered in fat by this point.

200 pounds used to be out of the question, yet you’re about to blow by it. You used to look at girls your size now and think they were massive. Now, you’re one of them butterball.

Now you know you’ll never be able to stop. Destined to get fatter and fatter. Not only obese, but 300 maybe even 400 pounds. The fact you’re chugging a gainer shake probably while I write this makes it even better.

(Based off a true story.)

[listentoace]

How to stop (Feederism Help)

I've been messaged by lots of people now who are into feederism and are really turned on by imagining how they grow absolutely huge, but they don't truly want to commit to the feederism/piggy lifestyle. In case that applies to you, let me offer you some help.

It is quite difficult to learn to resist such a strong fetish, but there are ways how it can be accomplished. From my own experience, a few days of uncomfortable overindulgence will usually be enough to break the illusion of "comfortably eating, enjoying endless amounts of food, being pampered, and growing huge". But to understand this, you need to really experience the suffering, struggles, pain, and discomfort of having gone too far. So here is what you'll do:

Either measure or estimate your usual caloric intake on a day of indulgence or stuffing.

Take at least triple this amount, depending on how much you want to suffer you can go as far as 5 times.

Consume this amount of calories for at least 3 days, literally forcing it down your own throat

You are free to use any foods and beverages to reach your calorie goal. It is important that you choose items that you can easily eat a lot of. Don't think you should suck down a stick of butter because of the caloric density as your stomach will get upset right after (or probably during) and you'll have to stop far before you're actually at your limit of fullness.

When you know you should stop

Once you're having the "How did I get here?", "What the hell am I doing to myself?", and "I just wanna die..." thoughts, you know that you've passed your breaking point. This is when you've made the experience of the immense suffering feederism can lead to and this memory will help you to resist falling into a cycle where you're growing uncontrollably. Instead, you will be more capable to reach a weight you're comfortable with yourself, stay there and really know for yourself that this is where you want to be.

Yes, I'm for once giving advice that isn't meant to make you as fat as possible but rather as fat as you want to be yourself. What a time to be alive!

Some more info

If you're truly scared by losing control to feederism, you should 100% do this to build aversion. You don't have to worry about weight gain as your body isn't adjusted to this amount of calories and will actually start burning more due to the immense surplus. Your maximum weight gain after 3 days should be no more than 2 pounds. Keep in mind that you will weigh in a lot heavier because your stomach is full and you'll probably retain a lot of water. To make sure, weigh yourself before starting and then 7 days after.

Feederism is strongly tied to habits. We call bad habits "addictions" as well, the neurological patterns are either very similar or literally exactly the same, based on the type of habit and addiction. It's always a cycle of cue, action, and reward which turns into craving, action, reward. The longer you stay in this cycle of uncertainty, occasionally stuffing yourself and indulging, then feeling guilty, the more likely you're about to end up with feederism as a habit/addiction. This is because the feeling of guilt occurs far after the consumption of food and is much weaker than the pleasure you feel while stuffing. Additionally, guilt often occurs when you notice or expect weight gain. It is not directly tied to the act of overeating. It's because of this that you keep doing it again. Overstuffing like described above will lead to an immediate negative feeling which will be quite strong and is then directly related to overeating.

Feel free to consume encouraging content while doing this. The further you can push yourself, the more aversion you'll built, which will help you regulate your feederism tendencies.

Also, after having done this, you might start to think "It wasn't that bad" after a while. This doesn't have to happen but it can be the case. You can repeat this as many times as necessary. This depends fully on how strong the kink and cravings are for you. It is actually better to directly do this instead of sneaking in snacks and comfort food again if you're not looking to gain any more weight. Your metabolism will rise quickly with an immediate surplus, but it'll actually adjust and slow down again with occasional, smaller stuffings and snacks.

If you have further questions, please use the consider using the comments instead of my DMs so others get the info as well! I hope this helps! :)

[painted-flag]

OF FLOWERS AND DEATH - aemond targaryen

Chapter 5: The Young Elf

☾⋆⁺₊✧ dark elf!Aemond Targaryen x f!human!reader series. ✧₊⁺⋆☾ series masterlist. ☾⋆⁺₊✧ word count: 3.1k ✧₊⁺⋆☾ series warnings: 18+ depictions of violence/gore, eventual smut, warfare, sickness/disease, some moments of misogyny, and mentions of alcohol consumption. ☾⋆⁺₊✧ you work to recover from the previous night of celebration and meet a new patient in the sick hall.

Your vision was blurry upon opening your eyes. You felt your brain being pounded within your skull and your body ached. You let out a soft whine and rolled over in your bed, the soft sheets offering little comfort. The room was still fairly dark, with only a few candles lit. The memories of the night prior were hazy. You remember going to the party, but soon after your second drink, it all became incomprehensible. It was all a haze of music, candlelight, and dance. 

It must have taken you an hour to will yourself out of bed, the only motivation being a pitcher of water that was placed all the way in the living space. It had forced you to get out of bed all so you could quench your thirst. You found yourself sitting on one of the couches, nursing a cup of water when Amara and Liriel skipped into the room. 

They wore happy faces and presented no visible signs of wear from the party. It was as if they did not drink and dance heavily, but rather got a full night of rest. It was likely due to their experience - who knows how many times they had done that in their lives. 

“Good morrow, dear friend.” Amara sang happily while opening the curtains to your room. The light from torches and fireflies outside - which happened to be surprisingly bright - invaded your room. You could do nothing but grunt in response and hold a hand out to block the light from your eyes. 

“Well, you are taking it surprisingly better than I thought,” Liriel stated as she placed a tray of food on the table, “For the amount that you drank, I was sure you would be on the brink of death.” 

“Really?” You responded with a thick coat of sarcasm. It felt like you were dead already. You reached out and grabbed a slice of bread. It was an elvish bread and you had come to deeply love them over your stay. The emptiness in your stomach hurt and you were glad to eat. 

“Get some food in you and you’ll be better. You’re the talk of the castle today.” At Amara’s words, you dropped the piece of bread and looked at her with alertness in your eyes. 

“Please tell me I did not do anything stupid or embarrassing.” You crossed your fingers in a silent prayer. It would be awful if you had done anything bad, as your actions may be taken to represent all humans. You did not want to carry the weight of the image of humanity in front of such esteemed beings. 

“Not bad, on the contrary. Everyone is praising your ability to handle elven wine. It is an impressive feat.” Amara reassured you. 

You raised one brow before gesturing to your slumped body, “Does this look like someone who is handling it well?” 

“Oh, be thankful they are speaking highly of you.” Liriel laughed as she began to look through your wardrobe. 

“I’d much rather have my work praised, than my ability to handle my cups.” You reasoned as you ate a few more pieces of fruit. Amara had gone to your vanity to select jewelry. 

“Then you best get ready for the day.” Liriel turned around with a dress in her grasp and laid it out on the settee in front of you. Your eyes trailed over the light sage fabric. It had a silk underside with some sort of tulle layering on top. It looked like the dress you had worn on your first day there, but a much better colour. You gave Liriel a gracious smile at her selection and rose to your feet to change.

You had hoped to gain your bearings before leaving your room. However, after leaving, you had only just begun to feel better. The pounding in your head had subsided, but the aches in your joints from the hours of dancing still affected you. Your footsteps echoed across the stone hall as two guards escorted you through the caste. Before your morning rounds with the patients, you had to pick up some books from the library that you found the other day. The guards opened the doors and allowed you to enter without their presence. 

You were so wrapped up in your task and struggling to recover from your night that you failed to notice the figure sitting at one of the tables, flipping through a large ornate book. You walked past them while rubbing your eyes. Once at the shelf you needed, you grabbed the three books and stacked them in your arms. Their weight felt heavier than you expected, but you recovered easily and moved to turn back. Your gaze swept across the wide-ranging room before it settled on a body in a seat. His back was to you and facing the entrance door. 

His long silver hair draped pin straight down his back and you could see the top half tied up. A familiar strap of leather banded around his head, which you knew belonged to his eyepatch. His back was broad and he had on a leather tunic dyed a rich dark green. His sword was strapped to his side and rested on the bench with him. You cursed yourself for having such luck. Out of all of the libraries in this castle, Aemond had to choose the one that happened to be right next to your study. Of course your luck would be so rotten.  

You took in a breath. Perhaps you could quietly make your way out of the library. You did not wish to disturb the king in whatever task he was enraptured with. Your hold on the books tightened as you moved to swiftly and quietly vacate the area. You passed by him with your gaze down on the floor. 

Lately, however, your victories seemed to be short-lived. 

“Do you think you are here to drink your weight in wine?” His smooth voice drawled out right as you had managed to reach up for the door handle. Your fingers squeezed the air in a desperate attempt to calm yourself. You spun on your heels, only to regret it immediately by the temporary loss of vision. The ache in your head returned. Aemond sat a few metres in front of you. He was staring down at the pages of parchment below him. His agile fingers swept at the page and turned it. 

“No, your grace. I was simply being cordial, having been invited to it by his grace Prince Ageon.” You defended. It was true, Aegon extended a branch your way and you decided to seize it. You had not planned to drink, but you were an incredibly curious person and succumbed to the curiosity of what their wine tasted like. 

“It is not a surprise Aegon would do that. Again, do not forget the task set forth on you.” Aemond had not bothered to spare you a single glance yet. His focus largely was on the book at his table. 

The ache in your head worsened and you wanted nothing but to escape, but you knew you had to be cordial to the king, “I am thankful for this opportunity and take it seriously. I will be here for a year, so I thought it best to forge friendships.” Your response seemed to elicit a dry chuckle from the elf. 

“Friends with…” He finally looked at you, piercing you with the intensity of his eye, “your kind? You are nothing more than an oddity to them right now, a silly little human way in over her head. As soon as they are bored of you, you will be nothing again. They have forgotten the threats your kind poses.” 

It was likely the effects of your aching body that caused you to stick up just slightly for yourself, “If I am nothing but a silly little human in over her head, what threat do I truly pose, your grace?” While your words had been aggressive, you coated them in the most flattering voice you could muster; the call of an innocent animal hiding their violence. 

Aemond regarded you for a moment as you stood there. You adjusted the weight of the books in your hands. He still was giving you a look that deeply unsettled you. You felt like a bug under his gaze, though you knew he would not treat you as gently as Helaena does to her insects. Aemond would not hesitate to squash you under his foot. 

“All humans are a threat.” His voice came out strained, edged with spite and some other unheard charge akin to a lament. You stood strong against the battering waves of his blue-eyed stare; the oceans within his iris in constant turbulence. You had no recourse for his words and could not choose a path to take. To your great relief, tinged with an ounce of disappointment, Aemond appeared unwilling to speak further. His attention went back to the book in front of him and you took that as an opportunity to leave. 

Why, out of all the libraries in this castle, did he choose the one by your work? 

His figure consumed your mind as you walked a short distance to the laboratory you shared with Daeron. Aemond was, in some ways, a walking contradiction to the stories you grew up with. There was truth in the mutterings of his immoral attitude and penchant for aggression. Yet, you had not seen any physical aggression so talked about. His paragon of brutality was unseen. 

Aemond was calm and calculating, his refrain from violence you had seen so far instilled a greater fear within. If he was like the stories - quick to barbarity - you could count on that predictability. It would be comforting in a sense, to place your bet on wanton aggression. Men, regardless of human or elf, could be counted on for that predictable nature. 

However, he had not shown you his hand in whatever game he was playing. In Aemond’s cunning sense, there was no predictability. It frightened you, to be at the mercy of nothing short of an enigma. You could not place a bet on what he will do and what he is capable of. Sure, you can rely on the stories, but they have already proven to ring with some semblance of inaccuracy. You began to doubt even your own memory. 

In your contemplation, you had dropped the books off in the laboratory and swung into the sick hall to make your rounds with the patients. You carried your notebook with you, along with a fitted bag at your waist to carry any small utility item that could be needed to help the sick elves. You had realized that elf physiology is surprisingly much like humans - minus the ability to live for multiple millenniums. 

You had begun your move through the rows of countless beds. At each one, you sat with the elf and recorded their symptoms to keep track of their progression. To the ones you were able to, you administered some pain relief. Unfortunately, for those who had been sick for long, no type of pain relief would do them any good. 

In your rounds, you moved to a bed with a new patient. It was a young elf. Though likely centuries old, she appeared as a child. Her hair was as golden as the light of the lanterns in the room, but oily from the relentless sweat caused by a fever. Her skin showed obvious signs of taint progression. Its glass-like appearance was underscored by intermingling cracks. Dark purple, near black, tint washed over the skin, with some areas more concentrated than others giving the appearance of bruises. 

She was the youngest you had seen in your time here. 

Something in you never even thought about the possibility of younger elves getting it. That was not a place your mind wandered to and you had gotten used to treating the older elves. Your heart ached at such a youthful being having their life slowly drained. 

You moved towards the bed to see her, “Hello,” You introduced yourself before standing next to her laying form, “I have not been granted the pleasure of meeting you yet.” You kept your voice kind and cheerful to ease the emotions of the young elf. The little girl slowly turned her head in your direction. Despite her weakened state, the girl looked cheerful. 

“I’m Lyra,” She paused to cough, “You’re a human.” Lyra’s voice was gentle, with notes that sounded like windchimes on a calm day. 

“Yes, I am. I’m here to help.” You sat at the edge of the bed and reached out for a bowl of water and a cloth. You moved the rag through the water and got rid of the excess water. The back of your hand rested on her forehead. Lyra was burning up. You laid the cloth down where your hand had been and she let out a breathless sigh of relief. 

“You look like an angel.” Lyra’s words were covered in the haze of a fever, but you took them to heart. This whole time, being surrounded by naturally beautiful beings, you had begun to feel worse about your appearance. There was something so pure and true when the words came from such an innocent child. 

“That is kind, especially from a girl as pretty as you.” You watched as the corners of Lyra’s mouth rose faintly. She was in obvious pain, but taking it with graceful strength. 

“I’m going to die, aren’t I?” Her question was so abrupt that it halted your movements as you tended to adjust the blanket over her. You paused, unsure of how to handle the situation. With all of your other patients, they understood their time was limited. The taint only spread to bodies through openings and you wondered what could have happened for a little elf such as Lyra to be infected. 

“I and the other healers are working towards a cure, you need not worry, darling.” While not a direct answer, it was sufficient enough to get Lyra to rest her head back down against her pillow and close her eyes. You backed away to allow her to sleep and went about aiding the other sick elves. 

During your rounds, your eyes kept wandering back to Lyra’s form. You were plagued with an even heavier burden. Your goal had been clear for many years, to find a cure. However, there was always an air of impersonality in your work. While the driving force had been to help people and carry on your father’s work, your motivation was still disconnected. The taint - other than destroying the lands of your kingdom - had never deeply affected you personally. 

With Lyra, you felt perhaps the same driving force your father did. He worked to help, but mainly to make sure you had a future. You saw that same sense of need to safeguard that future when looking into Lyra’s eyes. While old from a human perspective, she was a young elf who had barely begun her life. Your father wanted a future for you, you wish to provide the same for her. 

After a few hours of menial tasks in upkeep for the patients, you found yourself in the laboratory. In your hands was a simple vial, lilac and gleaming with specs of light. It was a newer version of your previous concoction that proved to be of little success. There was a hope - in fiddling with the ratios of ingredients - that it could be more effective than the last. 

You looked down upon a sample of taint kept in a glass case. It was a bundle of flowers and weeds that had lost their colour of life, covered in the black mould and goo so familiar. You tilted the vial in your hand and allowed a few drops to spill upon the sample. You took a step back and watched as nothing happened. Your eyebrows furrowed.

You were overcome with frustration and anger. The events of your stay, your inability to make progress, and the new added weight of the reality of lives on your shoulders caused you to boil over. You let out a grunt and slammed your firsts on the table. 

Just as you expressed your anger, Daeron strolled into the room. He saw your actions and raised his hands in feigned surrender. 

“Surely the table did not deserve such violence,” He joked. You glanced up at him and felt the ache in your hands from striking the wood so fiercely. You rubbed your knuckles and could see some skin was scratched off, but not enough to require any special attention. 

“I tried messing with the ratios of that last experiment. It did not make it any better, on the contrary.” You voiced. 

Daeron walked to where you stood and picked up the vial. He inspected it for a moment. “You tried, that is what matters. If it's any consolation, none of mine have been as successful as yours was.” He patted you on the shoulder and you sent him a look of appreciation. 

“Thank you, but I think I am going to spend the day doing more research.” You wanted to leave the laboratory. The walls felt like they were closing in on you and you could not bear to look at any more ingredients, vials, or damned samples of tainted nature. It was a curse, a plague on you. 

Daeron spoke, “Go on, I have some of my ideas to work on.” You backed away from the table and turned to your right to leave the room. Your hand gripped the wrought iron door handle with extra strength as you yanked it open and found yourself in the ever-familiar hallway. 

Despite being given the limited freedom of your room, laboratory, library, and sick hall, this place began to feel more and more like a prison. Your adventure into another area of the castle last night to attend the party was allowed, but you doubted your freedom could extend beyond that. 

You felt guilty, for thinking so negatively about a truly once-in-a-lifetime experience, but the whole castle felt like a gilded cage. It was beautiful, there was no denying that. This kingdom, with its connection to nature and elevated lifestyle, was beyond what you could dream of and served as a trap for you. On the one hand, you relished in the good parts, but on the other, you knew this would never be a home. 

You would never belong here. Your humanness, the mortality that came with it, will only be nothing but a blink in time for these people and their kingdom. Unless you found a cure, there would be nothing left but the faint memories of your form walking down these halls. Eventually, it would be lost to the annals of time. 

How fickle a human life was when compared to the immortality of nature.

Chapter 6: A Snake in the Garden Preview

Like a cloud blocking the sun, a body stood just behind your kneeled figure and blocked the light from the lanterns strung above. You ceased yourself from cutting a leaf from a plant and turned around. An elf stood, his eyes piercing you with simmering hatred. You recognized him from just a few short days prior. It was the same elf that had been walking beside Aemond when you passed him in the hall. His skin looked sunkissed, despite there being little sun that actually penetrated through the canopy of trees. His dark hair matched the darkness of the deep forest beyond the settled lands. 

He was altogether the embodiment of the elvish characteristic of beauty, but there was something wrong about the energy he gave off; it was almost predatorial.

☾⋆⁺₊✧ If you want to be added to the taglist, click here!

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[dtrghost]

closeness and proximity part.5

pairing: ghost x f!reader

synopsis: callsign is sunshine, because you're anything but. team 141 thought ghost was bad? at least they could crack a smile out of the guy from time to time, you? you were stone faced, all day, every day. until one day you're not, not with a certain someone anyway.

warnings: inaccurate military language and sequences, mega angst, allusions to mental illness (reader has sociopathic tendencies) you get the gist. violence, torture (reoccurring themes i know), angry ghost cause yes. FLUFF. YAY. Sexual situation to gain advantage over the enemy.

part 1 part 2 part 3 part 4 part 5 part 6

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT:

word count: 3.7k

Simon sat with his team, his eyes trained on the seat she'd sat in when she was there last. It had been a week. A long, gruesome, week with her still out there. He was tormented each night by nightmares, some where he followed through and killed her that night, others where he had saved her, only to wake up to the harsh reality that he didn't.

He failed. She was gone, and she may never come back because of him. They cleared all the bases that came up on their radar, and for once he was glad she was such an asset to HQ. They had all available teams looking for her, Price being at the forefront of the search.

"Let's call it a night then." Soap sighed, everyone nodding in agreement, except for him as they expected. His head shot up, his eyes lighting in a rage that they'd been subjected to since he woke up after his rescue.

"Like hell we're calling it a night." He growled at him. The anger made Gaz and Johnny shrink back, Price squeezing the bridge of his nose.

"Ghost, please-"

"We've got nothing! No leads! No updates!" His hand pounded on the table with each mention of what they lacked.

"We're sittin' at this table like a bunch of lazy fuckers while she's out there-"

"And what would you have us do?" Price interrupted. The room grew tense as two angry, powerful men glared at each other.

"You don't think I wanna find her too? You don't think I'm doin' everything I can? We're tired, and we need to regroup. Nothing good's coming out of us like this." He knew he was right, he hated that he was right. He felt useless, and it pissed him off. He stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

"He's not lightening up until we find her."

"Can't blame him. Get to bed the lot of you." And with that, Price left too, feeling a similar anger to his officer when he slept.

~.~

Cold water pushed her weight back, shocking her awake as the liquid shot up her nostrils and soaking her completely. They used a powerful hose to wake her up after her beating her unconscious the night before, thankfully avoiding her face.

"Morning Sunshine, piss baby callsign yes?" His accent was thick, laughs going around the room as the water turned off. She forced her eyes open, taking in her situation once more. Not the best, not the worst. Her legs were kept free of restraints, but they just barely hit the ground with her hands chained to the ceiling. She spit the water in her mouth out, chuckling lightly as she nodded her head towards them.

"You'd know a thing or two about piss babies wouldn't you." His fist connected with her stomach, but with a puff of her cheeks, no reaction came. He tried again, and yet, nothing, no wince, her feet cementing into the ground so not even a swing either.

"Right~" She drawled out, a bit breathless as she took a look around the room as they stared back in mild shock from the lack of reaction.

"After a while they all feel the same. Let me out and I'll show you how to punch sweetheart." This was her play. Intimidation, sensuality, it worked on the weaker ones, and when she caught the gaze of some of them, she knew she got em. The plan formulated in her mind, and for now she'd tune it out. It was a messy technique, as while she was gone she'd have no idea what happens to her body, so deep into her mind that she couldn't feel anything. It was a severe form of dissociation, but it worked.

"They don't want us touching your face. But they didn't say anything about the rest of you." He pulled out two high power shock sticks, and she knew she was in for it. The pain was excruciating. She could taste the blood in her mouth as she bit down her lip to keep her screams in. It took her back, the feeling of her first round of ECT.

Soon he moved to just beating her, pounding on her body as if she were a punching bag.

Her eyes went blank for a minute, focusing on a spot on the floor as she slowly slipped away, all the pain in her body disappearing.

~.~

"Mrs. L/N. I asked you a question." The lawyer spoke, stepping closer to where she sat on the stand, the courtroom watching this young girl getting berated consistently for the last 10 minutes. Her siblings watched as she was nearing tears from behind the plaintiff, having already been on the stand testifying against their own parents.

"I-uh.. can you say that again?" It was the job of a lawyer to break the client, to force the truth, or whatever would benefit the person they were meant to defend, but this was a child, someone just trying to get by with her life.

"What happened 10 years ago, to your recollection." He repeated calmly. She refused to look at her parents, because if she did she'd lose her words, her ability to speak. So she stared at her siblings, her older sister giving her a smile in attempt to calm her down. But nothing that came out of her in the next few moments would keep that smile on her sister's face, in fact it wiped it from the face of the planet. The flood of words that vomited out her mouth left everyone floored.

Her mother screamed at her from the defendant's side, throwing the first thing she got her hands on at her daughter. The jury watched as a notepad hit her in the head, and all she could do was cry and cover her face. She accused her of lying, screaming profanities to anyone who listened as she was dragged out of the room. Her father on the other hand, he broke down.

That's not fair. She thought. Why is he crying? He was the reason why she was here, why she was confessing her shame, her disgust with herself in front of a room full of people. Why did he have the right to cry? She wanted to tell him to stop. To stop trying to steal their moments of recognition. But the words got lost somewhere, and she stayed quiet as she was escorted off the stand.

When she opened the door to leave, she noticed Simon leaning against the wall in front of her. She looked down at what she was wearing, and suddenly she was an adult again, wearing a ripped black tank top and dirty cargo pants.

"Time to wake up love. Things to do, noses to break."

"It's not looking too good for me Simon. Feels like my body's gonna give out before I get my chance." He shook his head.

"Told you about a week ago that there's not a thing you can't do. I intend to make sure you stick to that. Now get your arse out there and give em hell." She sighed, giving him one last look until she shut her eyes, ripping herself out of her trance.

Her eyes opened and she came to, the room empty with a single guard sitting at a small table next to her.

"Hey." She called to him, blinking the haze out her eyes. He looked up to her, his face lighting up in a way that made her internally grimace. She saw the desire in his face, and she fed into it. He made his way to her with a sultry walk. He was on the shorter side of the spectrum and she looked down at him.

"Hey honey." He hummed, his finger trailing down her cheek for a moment. She ran her eyes down his body, faking seductiveness to get a glimpse on what he had on him. A pistol, standard issue belt with some stuff she could use on it.

Bingo, keys.

"They call you a siren from where I'm from." His accent wasn't as thick, and his words were easily understood. She leaned forward, him following as she leaned towards his ear.

"Let me down and I'll show you what kind of noises I can make." As cliche as it was, it worked. His eyes darkened, his hand twitching over his keys as he felt her lips graze over his ears. Slowly, he flicked through the set he had, and with little work done on her behalf, one unlocked, his hand quick to grasp her wrist. Before he could get the other one, the door slammed open, revealing her original capturer.

"Hey!" He shouted. In a flash her head slammed on his, her foot kicking his gun from his holster, watching it fly from his waist towards her hand, and with a stretch she caught it. She swung it in her hand, putting a bullet in his head before turning it the idiot who let her out.

"Siren's a new one. Maybe that'll be my next callsign." And with that he dropped dead. She had to be quick, her arm now released allowed for one foot to have a farther reach, the keys hanging on her toe as she carefully tossed it up to her hand, the gun now being held in her mouth. She tried each key carefully, knowing if she moved too fast she'd fumble and risk dropping it with the uneven weight now causing her to sway. Her weight was on one arm, and it quickly got sore, so when she dropped to the floor she felt heavy and wobbly.

The pain she pushed off had began coming back to her, and before she knew it she was crouching to the floor, her head between her knees as she gasped for air.

She crawled to the door, having to use all her body weight and strength to push it closed due to it's steel material. She locked herself inside as heavy thuds raced to the room at the sound of the shots fired. The room was designed to lock from the inside so nobody from the other side could pick it, but it quickly became a detriment as they had to use what they had to try and open it another way. She unclipped the vest from one of the men, quickly putting it on herself. It was large on her, the chest piece hanging lower than she'd like, but there was no helping it.

Better than nothing.

She searched the bodies, finding two grenades, she could work with that. She unlocked it, rushing back to the corner on the left of the door, and when it burst open she pulled the pin, watching the soldiers jump back in terror at the explosive in their face. she rushed to the door, shutting it again and listening to the boom from a safer distance. She tuned in to her environment for any more steps, and when she heard none she pried it open again. She picked up someone's rifle that had been flung to the side.

No doubt people heard the explosion, and she was in for it when they came down. So she stocked. She went to any body that was still intact and took whatever gear they had, shoving it anywhere she had room. She was likely underground, noticing the long staircase up as she took in her surroundings.

With the heavy thud of boots, she inhaled and prepared.

Life or death.

~.~

Simon had stayed up that night, finding himself unable to sleep without being haunted by her face. He found himself jolting awake with a shout of her name, and he decided that if she couldn't sleep, and likely she couldn't, he wouldn't either. It wasn't until Soap burst through his door, out of breath that he moved an inch from his position.

He shot up from his cot, looking at him with hope.

"We've got something. Someone in a base near the border of Verdansk reported a need for reinforcements. Bodies dropping like flies from a single prisoner they had held there." It had to be her. HQ had hacked into radio frequencies since she had disappeared, hence the amount of missions TF teams were being sent on recently. The team scurried into the aircraft waiting for them outside, Simon anxious and itching to get there as fast as he could.

When they landed he was the first one out, hearing gunshots from inside the facility. Reinforcements had shown up the same time, and before they could rush in they were shot down, directing the attention to them rather than the person currently fighting for her life.

She twisted an arm, ducking under the arm of another and sweeping him off his feet with her leg, dragging the other down and slamming his head into the floor. She shot the next two before flipping a man attempting to grab her over her back and onto the floor.

She heard footsteps, the barrel of her gun being the first thing to face the front door.

"Hey! It's just me! It's Ghost." He called out to her, immediately putting his hands up in surrender as they finished clearing the ground outside. He noticed her deep, uneven breaths, her eyes mistrusting as she kept her gun up and pointing at him.

"Ghost-" His hand silenced his teammate for a moment, slowly taking steps to her. He watched her eyes flicker as his hand gently rested at the top of her rifle, pushing it down at an unhurried pace, not wanting to trigger her with quick movements.

"It's just me.. lovie." She could've cried. His hands went to her shoulders as she dropped her gun off to the side.

"You're safe now. Nothin' to worry about." She felt herself relax, all of her adrenaline fading as she soon collapsed. Whatever he was saying to her was left unheard, her ears muting as her eyes closed from the sheer exhaustion and overexertion of her body.

"We need to get her to medical now." Price told him, Simon one step ahead as he held her in his arms and rushed out the door.

She didn't wake up for 3 days, and for a full 72 hours he had not left her side. He ate his meals in her room, slept in the uncomfortable hospital chair, and when he used the bathroom he waited until he couldn't hold it anymore and rushed that too, his hands still wet from the sink when he sat down. He was gone for a maximum 20 minutes for the entire day, and only that long because Price volunteered to sit with her as he showered, wearing the clothes he brought from him.

One night it was pouring rain, the drops slamming against the window with lightning brightening up the room every so often and powerful thunder that shook the building. She awoke to it, finally, her eyes crusty and her throat dry as a bone. Her memory failed her for a moment, shooting up in her bed in a panic that jolted Simon awake. He immediately rushed to soothe her with a gentle call of her name, dragging her attention to him as his hand cupped her chin.

"You're safe. You're in a hospital, recovering. Deep breaths alright? Like mine." He placed her hand on his chest, guiding her through mimicking his breathing until she was calm. He gave her a moment to take in her surrounds, her voice hoarse and raspy.

"How long was I out?" He handed her a cup of water, watching her gulp it down hastily.

"Fuckin' hell. Slow down you're making a bloody mess on yourself." He muttered, watching the water flow down the sides of her mouth and down her neck as she exhaled after finishing.

"You try getting the living shit beat and shocked out of you for a week straight. Had to seduce my way out. Dirty fuckers." She scowled at the thought, placing the cup on the table next to him.

"Did anyone..." He trailed off, too afraid to finish the sentence.

"No. No they didn't." Relief had lifted off his chest, his body relaxing for a moment before looking back up at her. His guilt never left him, and he wanted nothing more than to apologize.

"I-"

"I'll call HQ in the morning for the team switch-" "No!" He should've felt embarrassed by how quickly he cut her off. She looked at him confused. Is that not what he wanted?

"I'm sorry, for what I said, what I did... It wasn't right. The last thing I want is you off my team." She didn't understand it. He saw what she was, a monster. She killed and tortured how she pleased. "Why the sudden change of heart? Don't tell me you're getting soft on me." She teased, making him roll his eyes.

"It's not your fault. You need help... Y/N. Which is why with some fighting with those bloody wankers at HQ you're on leave with mandatory therapy sessions." Her eyes widened, and for once, she had something to be happy about. She could make her therapy jokes become real. Her breathed hitched for a beat, a sudden realization dawning on her.

Someone fought for her.

She felt the familiar pad of his thumb stroke under her eye, and it wasn't until she felt a wetness sinking into her mask that she realized she was shedding tears again.

"Comere lovie." Lovie. She liked that one, she was certain about that. He pulled her into a hug. For the first time in years, someone embraced her. She felt herself crack, every guarded aspect of her mind shattered in that moment as sobs flooded through her body involuntarily. Just like he promised himself, Simon was there to help her through it. His arms around her were tight, as if she could share the weight of the world she carried on her shoulders and he'd help her lift it until she could do it on her own.

"I need to get a nurse to check on you." He muttered in her ear, feeling her shiver at the feeling of his breath dusting over her skin. She only tightened her grip.

"Can we just, stay like this for a while. Please." Her voice was small, quiet, and he couldn't help but agree, maintaining a constant vice grip around her. She felt protected, and she needed that. So she clung to him as if her life depended on it, and he held her for as long as she needed him to. He felt her weight eventually slump against him, her arms dropping as her breath evened out to the same one he'd memorized from her 3-day slumber.

He laid her back, pulling the sheets up to make sure she didn't get cold before finding a nurse. They checked her vitals, blood pressure, wounds, everything.

"She's healing well. Everything looks good. We'll keep her one more night for observation and then we can discuss taking her home." He nodded, and she awkwardly smiled and walked out, shutting the door behind her. Simon sat back down in his seat, feeling more relaxed than he had before.

Healing well, looks good. Those words repeated in his head over and over. He leaned forward, pushing his mask up to the bridge of his nose as he hovered over her for a minute. The serene look on her face, even in the dark was enough to make his heart stutter. The way her hair, now in it's natural state, free from a balaclava, looked as it sat around her head like flowers in a meadow. She still wore a mask that covered the lower half of her face, but this was the most he'd get to see her for a while, so he took what he could get.

He pressed a slow kiss on her forehead, embracing the moment for what it was before he pulled his mask back down and released the breath he was holding, letting himself fall back asleep to the gentle exhales he heard from her.

~.~

Next thing she knew, she was holding a duffle bag with all her work stuff in it, Team 141 standing with her as she stood in her front door. They escorted her home, filling her in on her therapy sessions, when they start, how participation and progress were necessary for her to be allowed back in the field after her leave was up. Price had been assigned to live with her for the time being to make sure she was adjusting well and attending her sessions. She had half a year, which was enough, and it was mandatory to continue during work.

She dropped her bag off to the side behind the door before looking back at her teammates, Price flopping on her couch with a sigh as his eyes closed.

"Well, bye." She went to shut the door, only for Simon's foot to stop it from shutting.

"Fuckin' hell. No thanks for the people who saved your life?" Soap scoffed, watching her roll her eyes as she reopened the door.

"Thank you my saviors. What would I have ever done without you." Her voices was monotone, clearly bored and wanting to lay down for a bit.

"Alright then. Just don't get yourself killed in the next 6 months before we come back yeah." Simon grumbled, rolling his eyes too.

"You're not visiting?" She questioned, eyebrows shooting up in surprise.

"We wanna see a full transformation. Adds to the extra shock factor." Gaz smiled, watching her sigh before she painfully opened her arms for a hug.

"One for the road I guess." The embrace was horribly awkward and lasted a solid 2 seconds before she pulled herself back with a clear grimace.

"Do we get to see what's under the mask?" Soap pressed.

"Do you ever not ask questions? No? Then there's your answer." She quickly shut him down, watching him deflate in minor amusement before turning to Simon. He grunted as her arms wrapped around his middle, frozen in place for a minute.

"Hug me back dickhead." She muttered. His arms wrapped around her with a huff, though they both knew he didn't mind.

"Why the hell does he get a special hug." Soap whined, watching her pull away.

"Because he doesn't piss me off. Now bye." She shut the door in their face, kicking off her shoes and throwing a sock at Price's head. He groaned and turned, looking at her through bleary, groggy eyes.

"When's my first session again?"

The last part will be next!! I hope you enjoyed this one, more ghost fluff!! LOVIEEEEEE. My all time favorite. She's getting somewhere, finally getting some much needed help. Again I hope you guys enjoyed this part and the next one will be out fairly soon because I'm impulsive!! See ya next time!

@thaprilks @bowtruckleninja @almightywdm

[neuroprincess]

Holding Her - Melissa Schemmenti/Female Reader

Melissa Schemmenti/Female Reader

Summary: Melissa doesn't usually scare easily, but her daughter, so small and fragile, is the scariest thing she has to face.

Classification: Slight angst, fluff

Warnings: Premature baby, insecurity

Word count: +1400

Unrevised

She's small, much more so compared to her brother who was born equally prematurely, she's fragile and much calmer. When Melissa looks at her, suddenly feels incredibly scared of this little human being. The hands, which she had never considered big or imposing before, seem extraordinary big to hold the baby weighing less than 5 pounds for the first time, right there in the labor room, just after her chaotic arrival into the world. Olivia Ann doesn't cry much, doesn't give much work and sleeps almost all the time, the little body seeming to struggle to breathe, something that makes her heart ache and a strange feeling in the pit of stomach with the sight, as well as the slightest possibility of losing her little girl. If she could, she would breathe and give the life for her, feel the pain and struggle in her place.  

"Mel..." Y/N calls her after realizing that she isn't listening, the two are in the same room while the younger finishes feeding the newborn "Do you want to hold her?" and offers after the nurse understands what she means, agreeing.  

Having been born prematurely and underweight, the girl was admitted to the ICU almost immediately. The next day mom was released, but she remained in the hospital for three days under observation, intubated to ensure that there were no complications, so that she could breathe properly, being fed by tube in the hope of gaining enough weight and barely able to be held by her parents, only during visits guided by the nurses. It's a painful experience. Melissa is fully aware of how this affects her wife even more, but a selfish part can't help feeling jealous of how she manages to hold the baby. She knows how she should just put out the arms and graciously accept the privilege of finally being able to hold Liv after everything, to feel skin-to-skin with her, as recommended, to talk tenderly to her, to tell her how much she is loved and to stroke the (y/h/c) hair. But she's scared. The tubes are gone and her daughter seems stronger than the day before, skin more flushed, eating naturally, the idea of touching her still scary. What if her hands are too rough and/or strong? It could hurt or make her hate being held by the teacher. What if the perfume bothers her? Or she doesn't even know how to hold it? After all, the first time they left the hospital with a chubby little ball and now they have a little doll that seems to weigh as a feather, fragile as glass. 

"I... No... Yes, no, I don't know." she struggles for words and the green eyes water when she notices the confused look on her wife's face, replaced by sadness "Amore mio..."  

"I know you're worried, but our little girl is strong and she'll surely love your lap." the other whispered in encouragement, looking at their daughter in her arms, already a little sleepy after feeding.  

"It scares me." the redhead confessed with a sigh.  

"Holding her?"  

"No. She..." their eyes meet and she ponders for a few seconds before explaining "I was so scared when our Liv was born and I held her in that room after I thought we'd lost her, I felt like the world had stopped and she's so small, so fragile, her tiny hands holding my finger. I felt afraid. With the slight possibility of losing her, of losing you, somehow hurting Liv in that one minute that I'm sure I'll remember for the rest of my life. And she's here."  

"With us. It was really scary, for both of us, but seeing that she's fighting gave me the strength to keep going. I confess I was scared to hold her too, the experience was like she might break in my arms or the tubes would mess up, a million possibilities ran through my head, well, until I had our little baby in my arms." Y/N settles Olivia in her arms, admiring how different she already looks after a few days of life, with a healthier appearance and her facial features appearing little by little, it's progress "Liv is here, strong, fighting, that's what matters now."  

"But..."  

"No buts, no excuses. Come here." she points to the armchair she's in, opening up a space for Mel to sit next to her, which she does without contest "Look at our girl. Ten toes, ten fingers, a cute little button nose, just like Luca's when he was born, isn't it?"  

She ponders, taking a closer look at the little face, the eyes are the same shape as Y/N's (even if it's her color), they also share the same hair color, the same mouth and ears, but the nose... it's identical to their firstborn's, which he inherited from her. Every day the boy looks more and more like her, a spitting copy. It warmed her heart. And made her a little convinced.  

"Yes, she does... And the same feet too."  

"The little chubby feet of the Schemmenti." the wife teases.  

"Hey, it's a family heirloom, chubby feet and delicious recipes make a Schemmenti." she laughs, feeling some of the tension drain away, then whispers, "And street smartness too." 

"That's a fact." both laugh and a comfortable silence hangs in the air, green eyes fixed on their daughter who begins to fall asleep calmly "Honey, do you want to try? I'm here, there's a nurse right over there." she points to the nurse at the door of the room talking to a coworker "It'll be fine. But if you..."  

"No, no, I want to try, amore mio." a sudden confidence runs down her spine and almost by instinct she puts out her arms, an apprehensive smile on the lips, a glow in the air and anxiety in her stomach, she could swear she was about to sweat through to hands "I want to hold Liv."  

The couple exchange a complicit look, trying to reassure each other, it's kind and understandable. The teacher smiles genuinely this time. When she realizes that this is really happening, the heartbeat increases and the fingertips tingle. Before can have any doubts or think about giving up, she feels the little bundle of joy being placed against her chest, and the arms instinctively wrap around the colorful blanket. The smell of baby reaches her nostrils, slightly sweet and very pleasant, the skin is soft, fine hair adorns the top of head and her eyes open in curiosity, exploring the atmosphere, who is holding her.  

"Ciao, cara mia." she whispers to the girl, admiring every little feature and movement, she seems to recognize her mom by voice.  

"You know, newborns can't see very well, but they recognize voices that they heard in the womb. And you talked to her, told her stories and even sang. She recognizes you." Y/N says with emotion and leans in, giving her wife a chaste kiss "And your voice... well, it's unique." 

"I know, that's why you fell in love with me so quickly." Melissa shrugs the shoulders smugly, internally melting with delight that the daughter remembers her and seems to like it, because when Liv hears her again quickly smiles, even though she knows it's just a spasm, it still makes her sigh, thinking it's one of the cutest things she's ever seen in the world "You like my voice, don't you, my principessa?!"  

 Her wife watches the whole interaction with admiration, never failing to stare at the sweet smile forming cute dimples, knowing that she has chosen the right person to have children with. The redhead is simply so natural with Liv as she is with LuLu, anyone can feel the love in every gesture, word and look, she understands the insecurity she had about holding the baby, but she knew that once they were together there would be no separating the duo. In addition, Olivia always seems calmer in the presence of the other woman than with her, the one who gave birth. They talk for a few more minutes until the newborn falls asleep again. No surprise, considering that babies of this age sleep around 16 hours a day and in a fragmented way.   

All said and done, Mel still didn't want to let her go and kept holding her, unable to separate herself from their youngest.  

"She still scares you?"  

"Yes." she replied, pausing between sentences, looking at Olivia with affection "She scares me how fucking much I love her."  

"No swearing around our kids, Melissa Ann Caterina Schemmenti!" 

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[notsarareallynot]

Bucky x Reader Pregnant Part 2

< Part 1 / Part 2 >

Summary: You and Bucky finally find out the gender of your baby. The ups and downs of the Pregnancy and how the both of you deal with it. A lot of comforting, fluff and lots of SMUT.

Warnings: blood, crying, emotions, pregnancy

Word count: 2.2k

I’m sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes…

(I didn’t read this over again, so brave yourself for a few mistakes here and there)

“God you are killing me here peanut.” You mumble to yourself, trying to sit up in your bed, 7 Months pregnant with a round belly.

The warmth on you side comes from your husband, who’s still a sleep beside you.

Before you got pregnant, Bucky would always wake up before you, but now 7 month into the pregnancy, you would always wake up in the middle of the night, or really early. You either had to pee, where really hungry craving something sweet or your little baby girl would give you a hard time kicking.

Yes, Baby girl.

You and Bucky found out that you were having a little girl.

5 month ago

“I’m so exited” Bucky says to you, as you wait together in the waiting area of your gynecologist.

“Me too, I hope everything is alright” you say with a ring of anxiety to your voice.

Bucky takes your hand in his, bringing it up to his mouth placing a kiss onto it.

“Everything is going to be just fine, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” You say still not totally convinced.

“Y/n Barnes?” A nurse calls.

You stand up and walk towards her, as she leads you to an examination room.

She lays you down and asks you to lift your shirt.

There wasn’t really a bump there yet, it looked like you were slightly bloated yes, but not pregnant.

“Just wait here, Dr. Reese is gonna be here any second.” The young nurse is tells you.

You give her a smile as she walks out, leaving you and Bucky all alone.

You take a shaky breath.

Bucky takes your hand again.

“I’m just so nervous James.” you say.

He strokes your hair kissing your temple.

“Shh, everything is going to be fine with our little girl.”

“Little Girl?” you ask him chuckling.

He grins at you. “Yes y/n. A little girl, my little girl.” he says confidently.

“I don’t care what gender the baby is, I just want it to be healthy, but I wouldn’t mind a little boy who will look, just as handsome as his father.” you say quietly.

“Why do you want a girl?”

He looks at you. “I would like a little princess, in a pink tutu, with those little pigtails…”

He would like that? Maybe you would like for it to be a girl too, Bucky would be an amazing Dad either way, but him as a girl Dad playing in an all pink room, throwing a tee party? Yes, you would like that.

The doctor steps in interrupting your talk.

“Hello how are we feeling Miss Barnes?”

“Fine, very nervous but fine.” you smile at Bucky squeezing his hand.

“Oh no reason to be nervous darling, let’s just have a look at your baby, so I can calm your nerves yes?”

“Yes please”

“Would you like to find out the gender today?” She asks the both of you.

“Yes. Please.” Bucky says immediately.

“Okay so this is going to be a bit cold”

She puts gel on your belly and you and Bucky stare to the screen.

“Okay…” Dr. Reese murmured studying the screen.

While she scans your belly she asks you a few basic questions.

“Is everything else going good? Do you have any nausea yet?”

Oh yes. The nausea had started two weeks ago. It was pretty bad, you were nauseous every morning, and the smell of certain things made you throw up.

“Yeah I’ve been feeling sick for the last two weeks.” you tell her.

Bucky also speaks up. “My wife has a hard time keeping food in and I’m worried about that, I think she even lost weight.”

You look at Bucky as he talks. He’s been very worried that’s true. He was always right beside you holding back your hair or bringing you water.

Dr. Reese nods. “I will prescribe you something for the nausea. And Mister Barnes don’t worry, it’s pretty common that some women lose a few pounds at the beginning of the pregnancy before gaining them back, after the nausea fades”

She looks back to the screen again.

“Well the baby looks healthy and it looks like you will have a girl, but it’s always hard to tell with girls. But I’m pretty sure.”

“Really?” you ask feeling a wash of relief at the mention of the baby’s health.

“A girl?” Bucky asks Dr.Reese again.

“Yes it looks like it. Congratulations.”she says smiling.

You feel Bucky squeezing your hand and look up at his teary eyes, wich are fixed onto the screen.

“C-could we maybe get a picture please?” Bucky asks your Doctor in a shaky voice.

“Yes, of course Mister Barnes.” she says with a big smile.

———————————————

Present time

You groan again rubbing your belly.

Bucky stretches beside you, turning toward you, placing lazy kisses onto your thighs and belly.

“Everything fine Doll face?” he whispers, his voice thick with sleep.

“Yeah she’s just keeping me awake again, go back to sleep it’s late” you mumble stroking your fingers through Bucks hair.

He sits up, placing both of his hands on your belly bringing his mouth down, placing gentle kisses onto it. “Baby girl we already talked about this. You can’t keep your mommy up all night, she needs to sleep. So do Daddy a favor and let your mommy rest a bit mhm?” he whispers against your belly.

Bucky talking to your baby warms your heart every time. But it also makes you super horney, but that’s something that came with that pregnancy, maybe Bucky is just too handsome.

Just a second later she kicks hard again, making Bucky chuckle.

“Well I tried my best” he says with a smile.

Bucky swings his legs out of bed standing up, dressed just in his black boxers. He’s walking to the bathroom. A few seconds later he comes back out.

You can’t help but stare at him, the way his boxers hang so low on his strong hips, the way his abs flex as he walks. God you are so lucky, this men is basically sex on legs.

You look down at yourself. You have an oversized shirt of Bucky on and some granny panties that you bought in the mom section a few weeks ago, because your thong’s were getting way to uncomfortable. You also gained a few pounds and your breast weren’t sitting like they were before you got pregnant. And even though you were more than happy to be pregnant and become a mom, you didn’t feel like yourself. Your body was changing.

Even though Bucky didn’t say something ever, and never would. You can’t help but feel bad. He looked his best while you, well you were looking like this.

“Buck…? Forget it…” you say quietly.

He walks up to your bed sitting down next to you immediately, now fully awake.

“What is it love? Do you crave something? I can go and get you something from the kitchen? Or do you want me to massage you mhm? Tell me what is it?”

You could cry he was so sweet and supportive throughout the whole pregnancy. Maybe this was all because of your hormones, but you started to tear up.

“Hey, hey y/n, Doll hey what’s wrong? Tell me.” He asks slightly panicked that something wasn’t right with you or the baby, or that you were in pain.

“No, it’s so stupid” you sob silently now crying.

Bucky hugs you to him, caressing your cheek, wiping your tear away with his thumb.

“Look at me. No matter what you would tell me, I would never think of you as stupid. So now my beautiful, lovely wife tell me what bothers you.” he asks gently, while rubbing your back.

You scoff at him calling you beautiful, because that’s exactly the opposite of how you were feeling.

“Did I do something wrong…?” He ask’s quietly.

You chuckle sadly. “No, god no, you are perfect, that’s the problem. I look at you and god I get pregnant again just by doing so. And lately when I look at me… I- I just feel… not good.” you hiccup.

His eyes soften at your confession.

“Is that what this is about y/n?”

You shrug leaning your head against his shoulder.

“Y/n, Love you are perfect.” he starts, but you scoff again interrupting him.

“Hey I’m serious. You look so fucking hot pregnant” he says.

“Yeah right, I bet those stretch marks and those granny panties really turn you on.” You say sadly as a tear rolls down your cheek.

He gently moves in front of you and takes your face gently in his hands. “You mean those beautiful marks that show how fucking strong you are caring my baby?” He asks you, pulling your shirt up stroking the stretch marks on your thighs placing kisses onto them. “Or those beautiful hips which carry our baby?” He asks stroking your chubby sides.

“What else mhm? Your beautiful full breasts which are going to feed our baby girl?”

You can’t help the tears that are falling as he talks.

“Baby, let me tell you, I get hard every time I just look at you” he chuckles quietly trying to lift your mood.

You can’t help but smile.

“Yeah?”

“Fuck yes. Doll I don’t care what kind of underwear you wear, or how much you weigh or all that other shit you worry about in that little head of yours. You carry our child, making me a Dad and happier then I’ve ever been, you got that? And I’m so sorry if I ever made you feel like you weren’t the hottest chick I ever laid my eyes on, because you are. In fact let me show you just how much I appreciate your body.”

SMUT AHEAD!!!! (If you don’t like it skip it I guess?)

He pushes you gently down onto your back.

“Can we take that of love?” He asks tugging on your, well his shirt, you where wearing.

You nod your head.

He lifts your shirt over your head. You lay now just in your underwear in front of him.

Bucky places kisses on your round belly making his way up your full breasts.

He takes a nipple into his mouth sucking gently on it, while his other hand makes his way down between your bodies to find your damped underwear.

He looks up at you.

“Can we take those off too?”

“Mhmm…” you moan while Bucky slides your underwear down your thighs.

His fingers found your clit and you moan.

“Let me taste you, my beautiful wife”

He dives down eating you out. His tongue finds your clit and you feel a finger gently pressing against your opening.

Bucky pushes his finger inside and starts fucking you with his finger while sucking on your clit.

You moan and your hands find his hair tugging on it.

You feel the tight knot building up in your stomach.

“Buck, Buck I’m gonna I’m…” you cry out his name while your orgasm rolls trough you.

Bucky comes back up kissing you, his lips glistening with your juices.

“You wanna now how fucking hard you make me, pretty girl mhm?” Buck asks you, taking your hand pushing it inside of his boxers.

“That Doll, that’s how fucking hard you make me” he whispers in your ear.

“I-I want you James…” you moan.

Bucky lines himself up at your entrance, he slowly and really gently pushes into you.

So slow it feels like torture.

“James please” you moan dragging your nails up his back.

“Doll even though I think it’s the hottest thing that you bag me to fuck that needy pussy of yours, but I don’t want to hurt you or our baby girl.” He says while slowly fucking his length in and out of you.

“I- I can’t…” you moan feeling another orgasm coming up.

You look at Bucky he has his eyes fixed on you, slowly thrusting in and out of you.

“James I wanna- I wanna ride you.” You say breathless.

Bucky stills inside of you.

“Doll I don’t think that’s a good idea…”

You know what Bucky thinks, since he found out that your pregnant he would be even more gentle during sex, scared of hurting you or the baby.

“It’s okay, I talked to my doctor. I promise.” You look up at him.

He nods unsure and turns you around so you’d be on top.

You took that as a chance to take all of him, lowering yourself completely down on his length.

Bucky groans out griping your hips, helping you ride him.

You realized fast that this position felt unbelievable good for you, but was much harder with all that extra weight you’d put on.

“Wanna switch back around love ?” Bucky asks seeing you struggle.

“Yes please.” You half moan.

Bucky turns you again pounding you gently into the mattress.

“Doll fuck you grip me so fucking tight… I’m gonna come” he moans hiding his face in your neck.

“Me too” you moan kissing him.

A few lazy thrust later you come squeezing Bucky, he groans and stills, coming inside of you.

“And that’s, how fucking hot my beautiful, pregnant wife is.” Bucky whispers in your ear.

“I love you” he whispers kissing your neck.

“I love you” you say looking up at him.

**********

I know it was pretty short but the 3 part is almost done. 😁

[viewfromgumlog]

Blog 5 - TCM, Power Centers, and My Weight

”The weight [is] a side effect of the imbalance in [your] power centers, the real culprit behind [your] illness” (Ting and Jas 171).

Instead of looking at excess weight as the problem, Chinese medicine views it as an indication of an imbalance in your system. Your body is trying to talk to you, communicate its needs and its desire to reset your imbalance and return you to health, or homeostasis.

In 2001, I had a total hysterectomy because I had a 7 pound fibroid. Yes, you read that right! It was the size of a volleyball. In 2002, I had my thyroid removed because it was encased in scar tissue. Needless to say, this threw my whole body out of balance. I began to gain weight for the first time in my life. I have not lost it since then. My endocrine system is severely compromised.

Chinese medicine does not view the body in systems like allopathic medicine. Instead, it focuses on power centers. These power centers, identified by an organ, correspond to the five elements, to the five seasons, and to the five emotions.

Organ-->Element-->Season-->Emotion

Heart --> Fire-->Summer-->Joy

Spleen-->Earth-->Late Summer-->Worry

Lungs-->Metal-->Autumn-->Sadness

Kidney-->Water-->Winter-->Fear

Liver-->Wood-->Spring-->Anger

All of these are interconnected, influencing each other.

The five organs also correspond to five colors as illustrated above. Shen is spirit and can be interpreted as enthusiasm or yang energy.

Learning about Chinese medicine has proven to be challenging and interesting. Because of my spleen or pancreas-stomach deficiency, I have to cook everything. I still walk into the kitchen and wonder what I can eat. Grabbing something to eat quickly does not exist. Going out to eat offers an even bigger challenge, unless I go to a Japanese restaurant, order everything without sauce, and bring my own tamari. Chinese food is often cooked with soy sauce. (Soy sauce has wheat in it. I am gluten sensitive.) I am not sure how effective eating this way is for improving my health, but I have read where improving the pancreas-stomach deficiency can take time. When all attempts at control fail, the only thing left to do is to surrender to something greater than myself.

This photo of my great-grandson reminds me of a Beatles song: "When I find myself in times of trouble/ Mother Mary comes to me/ speaking words of wisdom/ Let it be." (I used to have such a crush on Paul McCartney when I was a kid.)

Works Cited

Ting, Esther and Marianne Jas. Total Health the Chinese Way: An Essential Guide to Easing Pain, Reducing Stress, Treating Illness, and Restoring the Body through. DaCapo Lifelong Books, 2009.

[zooophagous]

Hi! I'm here from a popular post of yours about humanity's love for sheep and saw you were a sheep caretaker. This is a job i really want to do. That said i am extremely frail (i have no disability that i know of, but it still sucks) and fear that the job might be too physical for me. I cant find any resource detailing the average day of a sheep caretaker in my native language except for websites trying to hire. So i guess my question is... what does your day look like (or can you get accomodations of sorts, like focusing on milking the sheep idk)! I am really motivated and ready to accept a part time job but if i knew i could manage with a full time contract i would love to get that extra money lmfao

Hi friend. I'm glad the post inspired you to love sheep as much as I do.

I will preface this with a very important distinction: my sheep were petting zoo sheep. It was a very small managed herd in a relatively small area that was kept immaculately clean.

These sheep had lots of 1 on 1 time with humans and saw caretakers as a source of food and safety. A commercial sheep operation has the potential to be VERY different.

Range sheep are often barely handled except to be given vetting on a tight schedule, and otherwise live in large flocks outside where they don't directly interact with people on a daily basis. These range sheep can be semi feral and not at ALL cooperative like a small herd of sheep managed by a hands on shepherd like what you might see on, say, a smaller farm or just for fun operation.

So suffice to say, if you're working with a very large herd of range sheep, your experience will differ from my experience with my Jacob's sheep pals who saw me every day and got hands on messing with several times a day.

I know exactly how you feel with being frail. I've never been a strong person and I have a low heat tolerance. Farm work, even on a petting zoo setting, is always going to be very hard work.

My day consisted of raking out the sheep pens daily, including sweeping out any old hay or straw and replacing as needed. The entire pen, even the outdoor areas, was cleaned. I would then feed the sheep (a hay bag with approximately 5 pounds of hay per sheep) and water the sheep (five gallon bucket which had to be dumped and refilled and carried back to the pen by hand)

I also gave the sheep enrichment items such as branches or small pieces of fruit. Old enrichment items had to be removed and reusable items like balls or toys had to be cleaned. Reusable items would be taken back to the dish station far away from the pens, scrubbed, and returned.

In addition, I would also take the sheep waste in a large trash bin to the compost heap with the help of a small tractor. The waste bin containing the droppings and old hay could weigh anywhere between 15 to 40 pounds depending on how much water waste got into the hay that day. This bucket had to be loaded by hand into the back of the compost tractor.

These tasks would continue every day no matter what weather. Our weather here is highly variable and can range from 100F in summer to -50F in winter.

It is a very physically demanding job to care for a petting zoo, and while I was often physically exhausted, I did also gain quite a bit of muscle from the experience and by the end of my time there I had more strength and endurance than when I had started.

Keep in mind, if you were to get a position similar to mine, you would be dealing with more than just sheep. I was also personally responsible for horses, cattle, goats, chickens, rabbits, alpacas and a giant sulcata tortoise. So you will be doing all of the same stuff you did for those sheep for the other animals in your care, and if you get big ones like cows, the weight limit goes up. I often had fifty pounds or more of cow waste alone. And that too was loaded by hand.

My animals were friendly and a joy to take care of, but the level of cleanliness demanded by the facility meant that the work done was very messy and had lots of lifting.

If you work with range sheep, you probably won't be scooping poop with a rake while a friendly lamb bothers you for attention. You may be physically pinning an angry ewe nearly as big as you are in a pen to force feed her an antibiotic while she tries to smash you. You may be herding sheep on a four wheeler. You may be assisting with births and expected to perform procedures such as banding, docking or mulesing.

If that level of activity is off putting, you may be able to find some fulfillment in volunteering for a livestock rescue or even working part time at a livestock auction house. If you're strong enough to manhandle a sheep you could even learn to shear. But regrettably there isn't any physically easy way to care for sheep that I am aware of.

I hope this helps you get a feel for the level of activity you'd expect in a similar role. Livestock animals are very fun and rewarding despite the effort they take. I hope to own my own small herd of Jacob's sheep as pets and pasture ornaments some day.

[createyourownnarrative]

A list of Long Covid Symptoms

Allergy/Histamine (2)

Heightened Food Sensitivities — Worse reactions to foods I was already sensitive too

Inflammation After Eating Avocado — Seems to be histamine reaction

Arms/Hands (8)

Fingernails Brittle

Fingernails Slow Growing

Hand Coordination Off — Dropping things randomly

Hand Weakness — Trouble opening jars, etc.

Heavy Arm Feeling — Felt like they were two sacks of potatoes

Vertical Ridges on Fingernails

Waterlogged Look in Fingertips — Probably neurologically related

Wrist Pain

Back (2)

Back Cracking — Feels constricted & tight

Back Pain — Lower & upper, probably due some to organ inflammation

Bladder (4)

Discolored Urine — Clear/Dull at times, probably due to dehydration

Frequent Urination — Had to urinate more often, water would run right through me

Urgency in Urination — Trouble holding it at times, would have to go suddenly and immediately

Urine Smell — When Covid was most active, sweat would smell too

Circulation/Vascular (9)

Blood Dark

Blood Thick — Hard to get out of veins at times, wet cupping showed dark/thick blood too

Bumps on Veins — Briefly had bumps, making it hard to do IVs in certain spots, went away

Cold Hands & Feet

Covid Toes — Had slightly, toes under toenails would turn a little purple

Elevated Veins — Veins were raised at times

Felt Like I Was Having a Stroke — Weird sensation in brain stem, one of the more frightening symptoms

Hypertension — Blood pressure was up 140+/80+, normally I’m at 110-120/60-70

Micro-Clotting — Seen in blood from wet cupping

Ears/Mouth/Teeth/Throat (11)

Clogged Ears

Dry Mouth — Especially when Covid most active

Ear Cracking

Ear Pain — Sharp pain would come on inside of my ears at times, like an earache almost

Gum Receding — Not often

Hoarse Voice — Especially when Covid most active

Itchy Ears

Jaw Pain

Loose Teeth — Felt like some teeth would fall out, had to be careful eating certain things for some time

Pain in Teeth — Probably nerve related

Throat Tightness — Like a constriction

Energy (2)

Fatigue — Had extreme fatigue for months, could barely do anything

Malaise

Eyes (8)

Blurry Vision

Double Vision

Dry Eyes — Especially when Covid most active

Floaters

Itchy Eyes — Histamine or Covid related

Light Sensitivity — Especially when having brain stem inflammation

Motion Sensitivity — Especially when having brain stem inflammation

Tunnel Vision

Gallbladder (2)

Gallbladder Pain

Pain & Inflammation When Eating Fatty Foods — Have not had steak in 2 years, that sent me to the hospital the one time I decided to go for Long Haul Covid

Gastrointestinal (13)

Bloating — Upper GI

Burping — Worse with active Covid

Constipation

Craving Food

Diarrhea — More common with active Covid

Gassy — Worse with active Covid

Growling/Rumbling — Worse when eating things my body doesn’t want me to

Loss of Appetite

Nausea — Can come on with reflux

Reflux — Has been a mainstay, waxes and wanes, reinfection flares it up

Stomach Pain — Abdominal pain all over

Vomiting — Sometimes blood (when I had nasty gastritis from BA.5)

Weight Loss — Lost 28 pounds at lowest, have gained 16 back now

Head/Neurological (36)

Anxiety — A chemical physical anxiety

Brain Fog/Memory Issues — Trouble remembering names, etc.

Compressed Nerve — Constant nerve pain in neck/upper back that had to be relieved by Atlas Orthogonal Chiropractor, came on after reinfection

Confusion — Felt like dementia at times, forget why came downstairs, put keys in fridge

Delirium — Totally out of it for a short period, crazy thoughts, couldn’t think straight

Difficulty Concentrating — ADHD type feeling

Dizziness — Would have to hold on to the railing vertigo was so bad

Electrical Zaps

Fainting/Blacking Out

Fleeting Nerve Sensations — Quick phantom sensations

Hair Loss — Moderate loss of hair when showering

Hair Texture Changed — Coarse for a time

Hard Finding Right Word

Headaches/Migraines

Heat Sensitivity — Too much heat would make me feel horrible, nervous system related

Higher Heart Rate at Rest — Went up to 80s at rest when should have been 60s, higher standing and moving than normal as well

Limb Weakness — Dead arms at times, brain stem/neuro related

Nerve Burning Sensation

Nerve Pain

Numbness in Face

Occipital Neuralgia — Nerve pain in head

Pain & Inflammation After Using Brain Too Much — Only have so much brain power in a day at times

Partial Paralyzation — GBS symptoms, Thanksgiving 2020 could barely move half the day, shallow breathing

PEM — At one point couldn’t walk 5 minutes without feeling horrible that rest of day and the next, now can walk many miles without an issue, but strenuous exercise still a problem

Pins and Needles — Neuropathy in arms and legs

POTS — Dizzy/Blacking out when standing

Pressure in Brain Stem

Restless Legs — Fidgety, can’t sit still, moving legs a lot when trying to go to sleep

Shaking/Tremors — I remember seeing a new doctor and thinking she would believe I’m a drug addict, as I was shaking like someone going through violent withdrawals

Slurring Speech

Sound Sensitivity

Tinnitus — Some ringing in ears at times

Trouble Breathing — This was a neurological difficulty breathing, like my body didn’t know how to do it

Trouble Controlling Arm and Leg Movements — IV C really brought on GBS symptoms, brain couldn’t control my arms and legs

Trouble Swallowing — Food, pills, water

Trouble Typing/Writing

Vibrations

Heart (5)

Pain in Heart When Laying Down — Maybe reflux related

Pounding Heart — Probably neuro, was worse when at 100mg of Fluvoxamine for months

Skipped Heart Beats

Stinging Pain — Sharp pain, not so much anymore

Tachycardia — Was racing out of control, so rushed to Cardiologist and convinced them to give me steroids

Hormones/Mood/Psychological (9)

Depression — Slight, but I’m not a depressed person, if I was it would probably be extreme

Dissociation — Out of body, not present

Emotional — Crying, when I shouldn’t have, a few times

Feeling of Doom & Gloom — Felt at times I would never get better, but it was a chemical/physical thing

Feeling Irritable — Easily angered at times

Intrusive Thoughts

Mood Change — A little colder, less jovial

PTSD — From this whole experience

Sex Drive Decreased — Probably due to testosterone lowering some

Immune System (4)

Body Temperature Changes — Hot to Cold

Chills

Fever — Never higher than 102

Night Sweats — For a period would sweat profusely at night

Joints/Muscles (7)

Bone Pain

Hurt to Lay Legs on Top of Each Other While Sleeping — Had to put comforter in between legs

Joint Pain — All over joint pain, especially hips, knees, hands, comes and goes

Loss of Muscle Mass

Muscle Constriction/Tightness — All over body, Covid has caused a tightening, could use a massage daily for a year

Muscle Pain

Muscle Spasms — All over muscle spasms, especially arms, chest, legs, head, worse when Covid active

Kidneys (1)

Kidney Pain — Bilateral at same time always it seemed

Legs (5)

Calf Pain — Circulation?

Cramps — Would get wicked, painful cramps in legs

Heavy Leg Feeling — Dead legs

Thigh Pain, Weakness — Would get weird thigh pain, and weakness, as if they wanted to give out

Tight Hamstrings

Liver (1)

Pain in Liver — Mid-upper right side abdominal pain

Lungs/Respiratory (13)

Chest Pain — Especially with acute/active Covid

Coughing — Not too often

Coughing Up Phlegm — Still doing this, still nebulizing sometimes, cough up when I walk a lot

O2 Drop — Never measured below 93, would hoover 95-99 most of the time

Rapid Breathing — Scary, almost what I assume a panic attack is like

Rattling Of Lungs

Runny Nose — Usually more so with acute/active Covid

Shortness of Breath — Comes & goes

Sneezing — Usually more so with acute/active Covid

Throat Sore — Usually more so with acute/active Covid

Tightness in Chest — Chest was super tight after BA.5, wanted to stretch constantly, starting to use The Gun now

Trouble Breathing — Mostly beginning of Long Haul Covid, acute/active Covid

Wheezing

Lymphatic System (2)

Edema — Some fluid noticed around chest by Lymphatic Massage Therapist

Swollen Lymph Nodes — Noticed this especially under arms at times

Neck (2)

Cracking Neck — Worse with inflammation in area, acute/active Covid

Stiff Neck — Much worse with acute/active Covid, makes neuro symptoms worse

Pancreas (1)

Craving Food — Felt like a blood sugar problem, which was slightly higher than normal for me

Skin (7)

Acne/Cystic Acne — Would break out at times, maybe because I’m overloaded with toxins?

Bruising Skin — Would bruise after getting a line in vein, not anymore

Itchy Skin — Inflammation

Peeling Skin — Skin would peel around mustache when head inflammation was at its worst

Rash — Around nose, could be allergy/histamine reaction

Shiny Skin — Old baseball mitt looking skin for a period of time

Sensitivity To Touch

Sleep (7)

Awakened Suddenly — Wake up trying to catch my breath

Insomnia — Not for a very long period of time thankfully

Jolted Awake After Asleep For A While — Adrenaline dumping?

Trouble Falling Asleep — Tossing and turning

Trouble Sleeping Until Alarm — Would wake up way before alarm went off, that would never happen before Covid

Vivid Dreams — Nightmares, crazy dreams, remembering dreams (would not before Covid)

Woke Up Due to Dream Movements — Once swung my arms and knocked everything off my nightstand, woke myself up

Smell/Taste (2)

Burning/Phantom Smells — Not often

Metallic Taste — Not often

Other (7)

Craving Bananas — Was craving bananas for months, body wanted potassium?

Dehydrated — Covid commonly makes you dehydrated, still need to drink a lot of water and take electrolytes

Rib Pain — Cartilage/Rib inflammation, Costochondritis

Sudden Jerks

Sweat Smelled — Sweat & Urine smelled due to Covid

Thirst for Water — Likely due to dehydration

Trouble Walking

[otakween]

One Pound Gospel - Volume 1

Yay, new series! (This one was next on MAL after 0 Man). Happy to be reading something by another icon (Rumiko Takahashi). I've never heard anyone talk about this one at all, so I don't know what general opinions are nor do I know anything about the plot. Let's go!

Ch. 1

So we got a boxer in love with a nun...I saw a commenter comparing this premise to Nacho Libre and now I can't unsee it.

(I might need to include a rewatch of that movie, for the meme).

Anyways, our leads are Kosaku and Sister Angela. Kosaku seems like a head empty jock who thinks with his heart and stomach. Sister Angela seems like she can whip him into shape (emotionally lol).

Despite having watched most of Ranma 1/2, I don't think I've ever read a Rumiko Takahashi manga? Craziness! This isn't her first work but it's one of the earlier ones from the 1980s, so I'm expecting some newbie scuff (or maybe she was just a legend from the start?)

Christianity in anime/manga isn't that uncommon, but to have it be one of the main focuses is intriguing. I wonder if we'll find out how Kosaku and Angela came to the religion as Japanese people?

I don't care about boxing at all IRL, but I don't mind reading about it and learning the lingo. Maybe I'll gain an appreciation I didn't have before lol.

Didn't like Kosaku forcing a kiss on Angela (her being a nun makes it extra scuzzy). Oh the 80s...

Ch. 2

See? I'm already learning stuff. Apparently boxers aren't supposed to drink water during a fight (just rinse) and they're not supposed to have sex prior to the fight (I already knew about that one, but this reminded me). That second one's more of a superstition though.

I wasn't sure if Sister Angela wearing her habit all the time was realistic, but I googled it and apparently in some cases that is enforced. Also, I've seen nuns in public wearing habits, so I guess it's legit.

Sister Angela getting plastered was kind of funny but her breaking her wine bottle was a bit extreme. She's kinda unhinged in general, she shows up at Kosaku's match and tells him she'll never forgive him if he loses? (Seems toxic but okay)

The strategies Kosaku's coach has him using to make weight are kinda fucked up (borderline disordered). Starving himself, laxatives and sweating the weight off. I'm sure that happens plenty IRL though. Pretty sad that athletes feel the need to put their bodies through that.

Ch. 3

People in Japan...they can't actually down like 5 bowls of ramen right, that's just an anime thing? I eat one bowl and I need to lie down lol.

I look forward to seeing the food in the adaptations of the manga. Particularly in the live action.

The crucifix falling over when Angela prays for Kosaku was a funny gag.

At this point in the story the focus is definitely more on Kosaku's boxing career than on romance. I wonder if it will kind of go back and forth between the two or if the romance will always just be on the sidelines?

Ch. 4

I can't tell if Kosaku has a food addiction or if they're literally starving him. They never show him eating healthy/low calorie food that's approved by his coach so it kind of feels like he's just not allowed to eat at all. Anyone would obsessively seek out food if that's the case! He did mention "diet" earlier, so I'll hope it's not...

If I was let loose in Tokyo I'd struggle with food temptation too lol. So much street food... (Wait, is this set in Tokyo?)

Ch. 5

Kosaku stumbles into a win after throwing up in the ring again. Apparently you're allowed to win by yeeting your opponent outside the ring? Seems wrong, but what do I know

All this starvation-binge stuff is making me a little nauseous. There's gotta be a better way!

Ch. 6

You know how straight dudes in the 1980s dressed in a way that seems gay-coded by today's standards? That's kinda what Kosaku's giving. He's really cute. (Not much of a personality tho)

Takahashi sure likes her repetitive gags doesn't she? A lot of "comedy" anime do this and it's frankly kind of frustrating. I'm not gonna laugh when you do the same joke for the millionth time...

They seriously just should have put him in a heavier weight class sooner, but it feels like I'm missing something here. Why does it matter which weight class you're in and why are some more sought after than others? -shrug-

I also don't get the "4 rounds" vs. "6 rounds" thing. Is it like baseball vs. softball or something? At least Sister Angela is just as clueless as me!

Ch. 7

Okay so apparently you pick your weight class based on your bone structure, I get it I don't really get it

Ch. 8

Okay, I immediately hate Onimaru for begging his pregnant wife to have a son and not a daughter 😒 I hope Kosaku kicks his ass

It almost seems like a conflict of interest to have your friend do your confession, no?

This series is reminding me of Spy x Family. Like you know how in that show Yor's plotline is mostly sidelined compared to Loid's? That's kinda how the Kosaku/Angela balance feels here.

Ch. 9

I really don't know anything about boxing, so I don't know what makes a good or bad fight, but this one seemed really pathetic lol. I'm glad at least Onimaru wasn't a sore loser, he probably needed to be humbled anyways.

The manga seems to be implying that Kosaku is fat which...huh? He doesn't look fat at all? Sure, he eats like a fat person but...I think 1980s "fat" meant something different lol.

IDK why Angela is so set on Kosaku being in the lower weight class. I guess it's good to be disciplined, so she sees that as the morally right thing to do?

So so far this seems like a very low stakes manga. It's leaning more towards the sports genre than the romcom, which isn't really what I expected. Well, after 0-Man I could definitely use an easy-breezy read like this. Onto the next volume!

[anotherpage-inthe-book]

March 30th - April 25th

April 5th 2023

Apologies in advance cause this post is going to be lonnnnnnnng but I have chosen to share something very personal and real. So here it goes;

I always knew I wanted children. I have known ever since I was old enough to comprehend what having children & a family would actually mean. I was always set on having a baby the good old fashioned way. Toughing it out and delivering vaginally. Of course, I always understood that things could happen and that circumstances could change. Although, that couldn’t happen to me... right? Wrong.

When I first found out I was pregnant with our daughter, I was in disbelief. I think I bought about seven or eight pregnancy tests because I was in such disbelief at the first one. The initial feeling of ‘oh my god’, quickly turned into, ‘OH MY GOD I’M HAVING A BABY!’. I went into our room and told my partner (let’s call him J) I needed to talk to him about something. After he had finished up on his computer, I held out 3 positive pregnancy tests. J said, “Why are you showing me your positive COVID test”. He quickly realised it wasn’t a COVID test and he was over the moon.

Fast forward to being 33 weeks pregnant; I had done all of my scans. Which showed normal growth, normal sizing, and most importantly, a healthy baby. I had done not one, but two glucose tolerance tests. I found them not to be as bad as what everyone says they are. It just tastes like really strong lemon cordial. I had all my blood work come back normal, with just a minor iron deficiency. This is very common in pregnancies because bubba gets majority of it. I had just finished at my last growth scan and was headed home. I was feeling good, I had just seen my baby girl and was told/shown that she was measuring well and was healthy. As to be expected, I had gained some weight from being pregnant. Although, I was just happy that our baby was getting the nutrition she needed.

It was about 9:30, just after my Mother was due to start work, when I started to get a headache. So I had some water and went to bed. I woke up around midnight with a pounding headache, seeing stars in my vision and just feeling unwell and not myself. I messaged Mum and told her what was going on. She told me to get J to help take my blood pressure, have some Panadol & water and lie down with calming rain sounds to help. J helped me do my BP, which I thought was relatively okay (given I was a tad agitated and in pain from my headache). So I did what Mum told me to do and went to sleep. Woke up the next day and was feeling my normal self, so I went about my day as normal.

That evening, I started to feel the same way that I felt the previous night. This time, I kept it to myself. I thought it would go away just like it did the night before. Around 5/6pm, I went outside and sat in the pool because this strange feeling just wouldn’t go away. I spent a good 30-45 minutes out there. I went inside for dinner and to chill out whilst I tried to figure out what was causing me to feel so off.

Mum and I sat in the lounge room, watching TV, when she asked me if I wanted her to do my blood pressure. She asked because I was looking agitated and uncomfortable. She did it, and when I looked at her to ask how it was, she had this smile on her face. It was the type of smile one gives another person when they are trying to dull down how serious a situation. I asked Mum if it was good or bad. She just said, “I think you need to call the hospital and see what they say.” My blood pressure was 180/100mmHg. Which is very, very high.

I rang the maternity ward at the hospital. Sure enough, they said I needed to come in as soon as possible. We quickly packed a small bag with all the essentials for a SHORT hospital stay. I thought that we would only be in overnight and maybe the next day. When J and I got to the hospital, the first thing they did was reassess my blood pressure, take a urine sample, and some blood tests. All came back elevated. My blood pressure remained alarmingly high. My urine test came back with elevated protein and my bloods were marginally worrisome. I just kept asking if the baby was okay. I kept asking if this was causing her distress and what we could do to stop it. I was given medication, after medication, to try and bring my blood pressure down. However, nothing was seeming to work definitively. After multiple doses of anti-hypertensives, my blood pressure started to plateau around the 140-150’s. This was still not ideal, but better than what it was. I was feeling like rubbish at this point because of the anti hypertensives, pain medication, antacids, and anti nausea medications I had been given.

Our doctor came in at around 1am. She was was able to give us some news that, quite literally, made me sick to my stomach. It was from nerves, stress, and an entire range of other emotions. I was diagnosed with sudden onset severe pre-eclampsia. She told me that, if left untreated, could be fatal to Bub and I.

Preeclampsia is a complication of pregnancy which is detected by women having high blood pressure, high levels of protein in their urine (that indicates kidney damage) and/or other signs of organ damage such as epigastric pain (indicating the liver damage). The doctor then told me that I would be staying for almost 2 weeks. However, it ended up being a few days longer. It was all starting to make sense and fall apart, simultaneously. My general feeling of being unwell, the headaches, the rapid weight gain and fluid retention (I probably tripled in size within a week due to fluid retention which was a big yikes), the blurred vision and visual disturbances; the lot. And I was sick, I mean physically I threw up after we were told. I think it was from anxiety but it was probably because of all the medications I had been given. Our doctor reassured us and tried to calm our nerves, but I know I was out of my mind worried about bubba. As was J. Funnily enough, our daughter was healthy and unaffected by what was going on & it was my body that wasn’t coping however that very well could’ve changed at any given time.

That first night I would like to say was the worst it got. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. I was admitted to the maternity ward the next day where we received nothing but the best from the midwives. They were kind, caring, and were always checking in on us to see how we were coping. I think it was because they could see the mental and physical toll it was taking on not only me, but J and my Mum as well. During my stay on the ward, I had multiple different tests and scans to monitor by blood pressure, kidney, liver functions, and my overall health. I won’t lie, I really was unaware as to how unwell I was and how serious the situation was.

Due to the severity of my preeclampsia, we were told that our daughter would probably have to be born early around 37 weeks. At 37 weeks, a baby is considered to be full term. They have fully mature lungs, as the baby is getting ready to be born. I had asked the doctor, and the midwife, if it was still possible to follow our birthing plan of having a water birth. Unfortunately, as we were now a ‘high risk’ pregnancy, a water birth was out of the question. Then came the question of, "will I be able to have a vaginal birth with our baby?". This was an aspect of pregnancy that I was actually very eager to be able to experience. Originally, I wanted a water birth with as minimal medical intervention as possible. I felt like, as painful as Labor may be, it would be equally as beautiful to be able to bring our daughter into the world this way. My treating doctor told me that, although labor was not impossible, it was highly unlikely that I would be able to safely go through labor. She explained that I would likely need to have a caesarean. I was obviously 100% on board with whatever our little baby needed to be happy and healthy, but it still felt like I was stripped of having the birthing experience that I wanted.

It was a few days after I was admitted that we were informed that we wouldn’t be able to make it to 37 weeks. The doctors were worried my body and organs would give up due to the stress they were under. I said to the doctors I would at least get to 34 weeks (which was 4 days away). They were hesitant to wait that long. I thought I would be able to, because it was only just a bit of high blood pressure right? Clearly I was in a bit of denial about everything. Over the next few days, I had multiple blood tests, CTGS and vital signs attended. All showing that my body was struggling. My liver functions were declining. My kidneys were struggling. I was struggling to move due to the fluid retention. I was having issues breathing and doing everyday activities that I usually would’ve been able to do independently. My blood pressure, although much more controlled due to being on two different anti hypertensives 4-5 times a day, was still elevated. The CTG’s weren’t bad, but they weren’t good. So I was sent for an ultrasound to check on the baby’s measurements & they showed that the baby was measuring smaller than expected. Meaning she wasn’t getting everything she needed to grow healthily. That’s where I actually became concerned.

It all came to a head the morning of the 05/04/23, after a shitty sleep and another 2-3 hour CTG tracing. Mum had stayed overnight with me (she and J often took turns doing this). I turned to her and said, “I can’t do this anymore”. She could already see how exhausted I was (physically and mentally). I made a decision to let the treating team know that I needed something to be done that day. We weren’t seen by the initial obstetrician. Another obstetrician (let’s call him Doctor A) who works along side the obstetric team came to review me. Straight away, he asked how long the CTG trace had been trending that way. He asked how long it had been on for, if anyone was monitoring it, and what was the point if nothing was being done about it. The doctor asked me a few more questions about how I was feeling. They asked if I was I struggling, coping, etc... I told him that I was trying to make it to the 34 week mark, but I was unsure how much longer my physical and mental health could last. He left to discuss things with ‘the team’ and to see if a decision would be made that day. Around lunchtime, Mum and I had just taken a bite of our sandwiches when Doctor A came back. He asked how I felt about having a baby that afternoon. It was a definitive ‘let’s have a baby’. Mum and I (more so Mum who is a midwife and wasn’t letting on just how unwell and dangerous my situation was) felt relieved. Someone had decided on a plan, instead of just sitting and waiting.

That afternoon, after a quick phone call to J telling him to get his ass to the hospital ASAP, I was prepped. We went downstairs where we were about to meet our little girl. After about 45 minutes of trying to be cannulated, I was wheeled into the theatre room. They told me what the process would be, how long things would take, etc... It was time for me to have a spinal anaesthetic (that thing with the big needle. The one that numbs you so you don’t feel anything. Yeah... That thing...). I will admit that it was not as bad as I expected. It took two tries, but the most unpleasant part of it was losing feeling and control of my legs so fast. I still had to try and move around to get into position, but that’s just me whining. It all happened pretty quick after the spinal anaethetic. Or that’s how it felt to me at least. The anaesthetist asked us what we would like to listen to, music wise, whilst the procedure was happening. Obviously, it was a no brainer. The 1975 was the only option. Before we knew it, the doctor was telling us to "look up... look here....", and there she was. Our little girl. She was looking like a “mandrake” from Harry Potter, but she was healthy, breathing on her own, and squawking.

I think I was in some kind of trance or something, because it was all feeling so surreal. I mean... This little bundle of love wasn’t due for another month and a half. Yet here she was wrapped up in a blanket and in her Dad's arms. It's safe to say that I was in a bit of shock, but the best kind. It was a pretty quick ending of the caesarean. I was stitched back up and sent round to recovery, whilst Dad and Bub went to the special care nursery. This is where we would spend the next few weeks. I think I was delirious after everything happening so quickly, but I was stable. When I was taken back to the ward, the first thing I asked was "When can I see bub?" and "How is she doing?". Being wheeled back into an empty maternity ward room without my husband, my mother , or baby was very confronting. I felt alone, but not upset, because I knew they were with my baby girl. I felt really good. I think it was the best I had felt since I had been in the hospital.

However, after I returned to the ward, my midwife attended my vital signs. My blood pressure and other symptoms resulted in her calling a medical emergency. I was given more medication and they increased my observations overnight. Unfortunately, I had another medical emergency. They sent me back to the birth suit for 1:1 care. I had a 24 hour magnesium sulfate infusion running (to help bring down my blood pressure). I had a catheter re-inserted (was not a happy little Vegemite) and I spent the next 24hours having half hourly vital signs, hourly catheter output/input measures, and barely any sleep. This entire time, I hadn't even been able to hold my baby yet. I had minutes with her briefly, after she was born, before she was wrapped up and sent up to the special care nursery. It was a lot to internalise. I felt guilty because I hadn’t been able to cuddle our little girl since she had entered the world. During the night spent in birth suite, the midwife that took care of me was nothing but an angel. She could obviously see the toll that not being able to see (or hold) our baby was having on me. She could see how uncomfortable I was with being pricked, prodded, and my catheter blocking. I think it was just after 11pm when, after checking my blood pressure, our midwife said we could go and see our daughter. She would have to accompany us as I had IV’s running and I would have to go in a wheelchair, given my recent surgical wound and how unwell I was.

Seeing our little girl in the incubator, with an IV line in (along with all the other lines), was the hardest thing I think either of us have had to see. Seeing a little baby with lines and tubes in is hard; but when it is your child, I think it just stings that little bit more. Our daughter weighed 1780 grams when she was born. Our daughter had a nasogastric tube inserted, as she was too little to breastfeed or bottle feed. This was another blow, as I felt like I was letting my baby down by not being able to breastfeed. She was given IV glucose drips until she decided to yank her IV out. Just like her mother, she gave the doctor’s a challenge to reinsert the IV. Ultimately, they gave up because she was doing so well on just her 3r hourly feeds via the feeding tube. Her feeds were majority expressed breast milk, but in the beginning days (when my milk supply was just coming in) she had formula as a substitute. It was a relief that once my milk did start flowing. I was able to express and bottle it for her without any issues. I think we had about 6-7 litres of frozen breast milk in our freezer at one point. It was one less thing to worry about, given everything we had going on. Our daughter spent almost 4 weeks in the special care nursery. She recieved the absolute best care possible. I cannot thank the nurses and midwives enough for the care they gave my daughter & I. After those four weeks, we brought our little girl home. She looked a little bit funny sitting in such a big car seat.

4 weeks of visiting the hospital at all hours of the day. The hours spent holding our baby girl, giving her the tube feeds, changing her nappies, leaving the hospital in tears, feeling like the world was against me and sleepless nights at home wishing our baby was at home with us; it was a very tough time. I remember speaking to J in the hospital cafeteria “I feel like the world is against me, like I’m the butt of a bad joke and it’s not fair”. The guilt I felt over leaving our girl... I would leave the hospital either in tears, or angry at the world for our situation. I felt a lot of emotions at once. I was feeling guilty for not being able to hold my new baby and have a normal first interaction with our daughter. I missed out on the first few hours of skin to skin contact... Just because I was sick? I was angry at myself for being unwell and I felt like I had let our daughter down, beause I wasn’t there. I still get angry at times over this and it’s still something I have to deal with on the daily.

I take my hat off to all midwives, special care nurses, and neonatal nurses. I could not do what they do. Our daughter received the absolute best care from the most beautiful people in the special care nursery. We were reassured and checked in on every time we were there. They had offered support, given education, and assisted with her care when it was our turn to take the ropes. Those amazing people will always hold a special place in our hearts. I will never forget the kindness and care given to our family, especially when I wasn’t well enough to be able to.

I spent two weeks in hospital being pricked with needles, having constant CTG’s to monitor the baby, multiple blood tests, scans, and had numerous sleepless nights. I even had two emergency calls due to my BP being elevated. I had sudden weight gain and large amounts of swelling all over my body. The swelling was not just in my legs, but my arms and fingers as well. My hands still tingle from time to time due to the swelling and carpal tunnel I experienced. I was retaining large amounts of fluid, which was shown by my size and by how difficult it was for me to physically move. I have never felt so humiliated and disgusting. I relied on others to be able to help me move, wash, and do everything I am usually able to do.

I have never thought so lowly of myself. I refused to look in the mirror in the bathroom because I thought I looked disgusting and gross. I still felt this way after being told it wasn’t actual weight, it was the oedema that caused me to get so big. I have to continue to remind myself that the strectch marks and baggy skin is a normal part of pregnancy. I have bruises and scars from constantly being stuck with needles, multiple cannulas, and having blood tests. My liver functions and renal functions are only now starting to improve. However, I’ve had multiple follow ups with doctors from different departments and my GP to monitor these. I physically feel weaker. I can feel when my muscles are close to giving up, but that is slowly starting to change since I started exercising again. I struggle with anxiety from leaving the house, wondering if our daughter is unwell, and taking her out in public. Although, I am starting to slowly get better at managing these anxieties. I am still struggling to deal with how my body looked/looks now. Body image has always been a big issue for me. It will be an ongoing process, but one step at a time. Walking by myself, and walking with our daughter, has helped me cope with a lot of these negative thoughts. It has helped my mental and physical health immensely.

I’m slowly learning to accept that, while I might not have experienced giving birth how I would’ve liked, I am so very blessed and thankful to have a healthy and happy baby girl. She is thriving and becoming her own (very small) person. I have been left with some physical and mental scars from this entire ordeal, but I remind myself everyday about how lucky I am. I'm a Mum and our baby made it home safely. It has taken my almost 3 months for me to finally finish writing this. It brought back a lot of negative thoughts and upsetting memories, but getting my thoughts out on paper has helped me process this traumatic (yet wonderful) experience. It’s also made me so thankful that our little girl, who is just like her Mumma, is tough and resilient. Seeing her smile and laugh, makes everything I went through worth it.

[csuitebitches]

Hii firstly I just wanna say I love your blog and you always seem to have the answers to the exact problems I’m going through as a young adult plus it just inspires me so much, so thank you !!!

Now onto my problem - the past few years, I’ve neglected my body so much. I used to do swimming and martial arts a few times a week, but then it slowly stopped (partially because I moved houses) but also because I went through a stressful time including toxic friend groups plus academic stress the last two years of high school. Now I’m doing much better mentally, but I’ve gained a lot of weight, and I’m not as fit as I used to be and I want to start working towards having my ideal body (which I didn’t have even back when I was doing swimming and tkd) but I’m struggling to get started and create a routine that challenges me as well as motivates me, with steady results. I desperately want my ideal body to be able to wear all kinds of pretty clothes and styles that just make me feel insecure in my current state. Plus I want to be healthy and fit.

Please help me and let me know if you have any tips to get started with creating a workout routine that works!! (I tried using the “body” link on your page but it doesn’t seem to work properly :// )

Thank you so much for taking time out of your day if you do answer this, and either way I’m immensely grateful!!

I’m not a trainer or nutritionist but I’ll give you some advice that works for me. Start really small. It’s going to take some effort for you to stay consistent.

Start with perhaps 2-3 days a week where you walk for 30 minutes/ do some yoga; and 2-3 days of doing some sort of strength training workout from YouTube. I like gainsbybrains. Highly recommend that you make a playlist on YouTube of 4-5 workouts of about 30-40 minutes. Aim to workout 5 days a week. Remember to track your progress if you’re mentally okay with that - things like progress photos, body fat %, weight, measurements etc.

I still do a 5 day split - I work out 2 days, rest 1 day, workout 3 days, rest one day. It works for me. I started by working out for just 30 minutes a day. Aim for small steps.

Get your nutrition in order. If you can talk to a nutritionist, I highly recommend you go for it.

I prefer eating 3 big meals a day as opposed to multiple smaller meals a day. I incorporate at least 3 different vegetables a day in my diet. Ensure you eat enough protein (some studies say 0.11*your weight in pounds, some say 0.36*pounds is the number of grams you need to consume). Don’t rely on just protein powder but also natural protein.

I carry a water bottle with me everywhere I go so that I remain hydrated at all times.

I’ve also noticed that I prefer working out in the mornings as opposed to evenings because I get tired after work. Practice something called habit stacking - so for me, I workout right after brushing my teeth. I prefer doing fasted workouts because I feel uneasy if I eat and workout.

Get a workout buddy if you can! Sometimes having a friend to workout with can really push you for the better.

[mind-spirit-body]

11/1/24

5 months postpartum

Start weight: 239.3

November Goal #1: 235

November Goal #2: 230

End Goal: 200

Stretch Goal: 180

When I ended off last year, I got down to a low of 210 lbs before getting pregnant. The point of the weight loss was not only to get healthier, stronger, and build confidence, but to also be healthy enough to carry a baby. My husband and I had been married for almost 2 years and we had been trying for a little over a year. I had issues with my monthly cycle and had been off birth control for over a year. About 2 or 3 months after quitting my birth control that I had been on for almost 12 years, my cycle just stopped. For reference, I got off birth control in August 2022, had a period for September and October, and then completely stopped in November. I didn't have a period from November 2022 to April 2023. I had to go to the OB/GYN to take medication to jumpstart my period. At that time, I knew I needed to make a change for good.

I started my weight loss journey again in May 2023 because I thought my weight, eating habits, and exercise were part of the reason behind my irregular cycle. That was when I dropped down from almost 270 to 210 between May 2023 and October 2023. I was consistently losing about 10 pounds each month through monitoring my eating, exercising, drinking plenty of water, and it didn't hurt that my husband was on board with me (he went from 315 to 260 during this time too). The biggest thing was cooking more homemade meals that were high in protein.

Then I finally got pregnant in October 2023. Of course, I gained weight back (so did my husband) and we're starting back again albeit not as high as we were in the beginning. I had my little nugget in May 2024. He was almost a month early but completely healthy and a good weight. Now, my goal is to get back down to the weight I was back in October of 2023 and then lose 20-30 lbs beyond that in preparation for baby #2.

Here's to starting the journey again!