#time to book an appointment with my psychiatrist. and Cry

[howi99]

A Knight second chance 13

Qrow: *cocking one eyebrow after watching the video of Jaune and Glynda's spar* What the hell was that, kid? Didn't you say you wanted to stay low profile?

Jaune: That was the plan at first, but i'm realizing that if i want everyone to survive, they need to step up their game. And i've got something to distract both Ozpin and Ironwood.

Qrow: *pensive* I see... *Point to Roman* Is this why that weasel sitting next to you, too?

Roman: *smirk* Qrow, nice seeing you again. How's your love life going?

Qrow: *smirk back* I dunno, how was it to be beaten by my niece?

Jaune: You know each other?

Roman: *leaning back in his chair* We went to Beacon together. *Sigh* His sister was a complete psychopath-

Qrow: *Grinning* You stole her sword during your first spare against her, of course she would beat the shit out of you.

Roman: *shrug* It was funny at the time.

Qrow: *chuckle* True that!

Jaune: ... *Shake his head, refocusing on why he gathered them here* In any case, Roman, you got the information we need against Lionheart?

Roman: *placing the documents on the table* All there. He wasn't the best at erasing his trace. *Sigh* 25 mission reclassified as low danger, given to inexperienced huntsmen teams.

Qrow: *picking up the document* For fuck sake... More than 200 huntsmen were killed, how did we not see that?

Roman: Mistral is the kingdom of crime. Falsifying documents was as easy as it gets for him.

Jaune: *looking at his scroll* Welp, i gotta go.

Qrow: *frown* Why's that?

Jaune: *sigh* Miss Glynda, psychiatrist extraordinaire, is asking for immediate attendance.

Qrow: *wince* That little bout with your friend is really biting your ass, huh?

Jaune: *groan* You have no idea. *Leave*

_ _ _

At the end of the appointment

Jaune: *perplexed* Something is weird happening with Penny?

Glynda: *picking up some papers* Miss Polendina has recently been suffering from multiple nightmares. *looking at the documents* Weirdly enough, she keeps saying something about there being "Nothing" and- *looking back at Jaune who is glowing faintly* Jaune?

Jaune: *mumbling* Nothing... Nothing happened...

Glynda: *worried* Jaune, what's wrong?

Jaune: *grabbing his head* What did i do wrong!? Why was i left behind?! Because i didn't follow a script?!? *The glow starts to intensify* I just wanted to get back! I- *feel Glynda sit next to him* ... *Hug her, crying*

_ _ _

Ozpin: *looking up with a smile, as Glynda entered his Office* Ah, Glynda, did- *sees her eyes, red from crying* ... *Sigh* Was it-

Glynda: *shaking her head* Worse. *Sitting on a chair* It was so much worse than anything we might have expected...

Ozpin: *worried* What-

Glynda: *trembling* Nothing happened...

Ozpin: *perplexed* What do you mean?

Glynda: ... Their was no knight to save the day, no cat to show you the way and no trees that could help you change for the better... A story that was never written... A destiny that can never be... *Shake her head* No wonder we never found that book, it never existed in the first place...

[jungkookslipring]

Coffee and Sticky Buns🤎

AN: looks like I’m writing another ff based off of my nightmares 🤣👀😀 thank you @felixmainacc for helping me choose the characters!🥰

Summary: when a nightmare prevents you from waking up refreshed and ready to go, your two beautiful friends are there for you with comfort and sweet treats

Genre: hurt/comfort ❤️‍🩹

Pairings: Minho + Seungmin x reader 🐰 🐶

Relationship: platonic 🫶🏽

The second you woke up you were darn near ready to book yourself an appointment with a psychiatrist or something because these nightmares are starting to become a constant! You had awful sleep patterns when you were in college due to stress, but that was years ago and you have a job you love, so you’re extremely confused as to why you’re having these nightmares that feel too real. You’re most recent night involved some of your worst fears, and when you woke up, your heart was thumping against your chest at an alarming rate. You laid on your stomach, propped on your elbows, fisting your hair, trying to control your breathing. You had work so you had to get out of bed, even though your body was screaming at you to take it easy. When you trudged into the kitchen, the smell of coffee and warm cinnamon rolls filled your nose. You peaked around the corner and saw Seungmin and Lee Know wide awake, making coffee and spreading the icing on the delicious pastry. They turned around and smiled at you.

“Morning y/n,” Seungmin smiled before his face dropped a little seeing how you weren’t looking too good.

“Is everything okay?” He asked quietly, putting a hand on your shoulder. Lee Know turned away from the coffee pot after Seungmin’s comment.

“Are you sick?” Lee Know asked concerned. You shook your head slightly.

“Just…had a not so great nightmare but I’m fine,” you said brushing it off. It wasn’t a total lie, you weren’t crying this time, but your heart felt uneasy, and you were a little shaky. Seungmin could tell that despite saying you were fine, you weren’t. He kept his hand on your shoulder while pulling you into his arms. You buried your face into his shoulder and let out a sigh. You were struggling to breathe a little bit but Seungmin rubbed your back with an open palm, humming in your ear to calm you down. After a couple minutes you let go, remembering you still had to get ready for work. Before you could get dressed, the two encouraged you to sit down and eat, to take all the time you needed. You still had a while before you had to leave anyways. Lee Know brought you a decaf vanilla latte with cinnamon roll on a little plate. Once everything was on the table he pet your hair soothingly.

“Take your time okay love?” He said sweetly as you silently thanked him.

You took a bite, the warm, sweet and sticky bun filling your taste buds may have been the key to cure your anxiousness. The two joined you with their breakfast, and watched the sun rise through the window. After finishing your breakfast, you felt way better, and you were able to move on from the not so amazing morning because your best friends were there for you with sweet hugs and even sweeter treats.

[thebestworstidea]

I called my psychiatrist's office this morning and made an appointment, because I realized I hadn't booked one after the last one and we're supposed to check in every few months.

Does this mean I'm a functional adult?

not in the least, I'm miserable my self worth is in the toilet, I'm spending a lot of time on the Sword Coast, and I am so tired I regularly start crying about it. The people in my life need help I can't give and it burns. Yesterday I got so dizzy and head weird I was lurching when I tried to walk, and I couldn't drive because my head was swimmy and my brain kept telling me to drive the car directly into things. (in my head I was the only one in the car, this was not the case, and of course, I'm very good at saying 'yeah not doing that')

But I did it anyway. Because it needed to be done. Later I'm going to have to clear the dining room table to cut a blanket, because I absolutely forgot I still had listings up on Etsy and I'll do it but that won't change any of my problems.

[strigital]

hey there, handsome beans. how are y'all?

bet y'all were wondering where tf Meg's gone again. to make long and complicated story short: a few physical illnesses followed by a severe mental crysis followed by more sickness followed by more mental problems. there was, among other things, an autistic breakdown which as we know doesn't go away easily. i will be severely honest with you guys. i do not know how i am still alive, given how horribly suicidal some of these days are. i suppose having pets does make a difference - no matter how selfish the suicidal ideation is it never manages to overpower the motherly need to love and protect these small creatures that so wholly depend on you not just for food, water and shelter, but for companionship as well… Belle, despite having only been out of shelter for like three moths, has been working her little butt off trying her damnest to convince me that i am needed: from following me everywhere like a shadow to crying like a child whenever there's a closed door between us… anyways, what was i talking about? ah yes… the horrific state both my mind a body ended up in. i honestly have no idea where this all came from. it was like one day it was sunny and calm and the next morning i woke up in the aftermath of a severe hurricane, ruin and corpses all around me. perhaps it was all brewing for a long time and i simply failed to notice the telltale signs. after all, there's no smoke without fire. there must've been a trigger. a final drop, a straw that broke the camel's back. sometimes it felt like a horror film, full of terrible thoughts and feelings that paralise you in a fetal position in the corner of your bed and keep you there hostage for days on end. some other days there would be flashes of unexplainable happiness that lasted barely a few hours and left you feeling panicked. most days there would be this prevailing feeling of numbness that wouldn't allow you to eat, let alone take care of daily chores. i've been having severe nightmares. i've plunged my body into a state of starvation. i've turned my home into a horror house of dirt and clutter. i'm failing behind in college and my boss at work is extremely unhappy with my productivity. i've lost ability to feel time: days muddle together, all i ever feel is a desire to sleep all the fucking time.

worst of all is that i cut contact with my closest people, among them - my dearly beloved husband, who still fights cancer on the other side of the planet, wondering where his useless wife gone. i've decided that it would be better for all of them, especially my hubby, to not see me in this condition. that the best i can do for them is to remove myself from their already busy lives and free them from any heartache i may cause, me being out of my mind and all. i did, however, used the very last of my strenght to reach out, to try and call for help… the suicide prevention line was a fucking joke that left me even more desperate than i was before i contacted them. i did, however, join a local autistic group on facebook and lurked there quietly, absorbing their experiences and sifting through for any sliver of hope. and i foud it. a doctor, who may just be the only specialist on adult autism in this entire country. getting an appointment with her was a small war in of itself. and she will cost me a lot of money… but as of right now i feel like she is the only person who can pull me off of the edge, before i tumble over and plummet into the abbyss. 29th of november i will sit my ass on a train and ride to another city to meet her. i pray to whatever will listen that she will take me seriously because neither my current psychiatrist nor my psychologist do. anyone i tried talking to these past two months on the matter of my crisis never offered me any help, only useless advice like "you should talk to a priest" or "have you tried reading a self-help book?". i'm drowning over here, karen, a priest and a book will only be of use during my funeral… the meds have become useless, even when i double or triple dosage.

most of all my heart aches for my husband. he tried calling me a few times yet i was too broken and lost in the dark to even have the courage to call back. i know i have no right to scream for help to a person who had been at war with a third stage cancer for almost three long difficult years. but i am teethering on the edge. i feel like that tiny hedghehog from an old soviet cartoon - lost in a thick fog, calling out for someone, anyone, looking for a way out. and the fact that no one understands or tries to understand hurts even more. the only one's who do are those anonymous people on facebook, fighting similar battles to mine. and when i read a letter from an anonymous mom who, like me, reached her breaking point and cut off any contact with her family in preparation for a final act and she only writes on facebook to find someone, anyone, to tell her what she truly needs and wants to hear in order to swerve off of this path of self-destruction i cannot help but feel an odd likeness to hope. i am not alone. but these people, those like me, simply do not exist within an arm's reach… god almighty, i so so hope the doctor will fix me. i am so tired waking up everyday with a desperate desire to die and walking all day with an invisible noose on my neck which only grows tighter every day.

i will go now and try to record a longwinded voice message for my husband… again. i will try my bestest to apologise, to try to explain, to ask for help. but how do you even begin to explain that your life so suddenly, so abruptly and seemingly our of nowhere became an open bleeding rotten sore, that only grows everyday, infecting more and more of your soul? i don't know. i never had this kind of crisis before in my life and, as if by some cruel divine joke, right now i have no family, no friends to turn to, beside my cat and my dog.

i will not ask of you to pray for me nor wish me luck. y'all have your own busy, messy lives. i only ask that you take care of yourself and your loved ones, so nothing like that ever happens to you or them. trust me when i say that no one will believe you, because this wound is invisible. they will tell you to feel grateful for having two arms and two legs and a roof over your head. meanwhile you will slowly rot away until one day they'll gasp: "how did this happen? they were such a happy person, nothing was wrong in their lives!" that's so fucking unfair, but it is the world we live in. and i know that oversharing like this on the internet is an incredibly stupid thing to do, but… i don't know. maybe another person with similar hardships in their life will read this and realise that they are not the black sheep of the human species and that shit like that happens to others too. i know this thought brings some very mild comfort to me, so maybe it will also brings some to them.

so stay strong, my beans. god knows i'm trying to. love you all and, hopefully, see you in the near future again with memes and stuff,

-- Meg K.

[h0ll0w3d0ut]

i just had the most traumatising fucking phone call with my psychiatrist. you’d think after two years she’d realise how fucked up i am but no, she continues to pressure me into doing shit i’m physically not capable of.

i was sobbing on the phone and it just got to the point where she was telling me all the stuff she wants me to promise to do, and i just kept saying yes so the appointment could end. we came up with a “plan” to book the next few appointments, i told her that was all good and now i’m going to cancel every single one of them because oh my god i physically cannot see her again.

why does this keep happening? i tried for over a year to get in with her, to get help, which is something i’m so fucking bad at. and now i just feel so much worse. and i have to start all over again with someone new. funny thing is, this isn’t even the first time a mental health professional has made me cry in a session and i never went back to them again.

if it wasn’t for my absolute angel of a GP i’d literally be in the ground. she is so kind, she helped me through the worst of it and she fills my scripts with no questions. and my therapist, who doesn’t push any treatment plans on me, who just lets me vent and talks to me like a fucking PERSON.

i find it so hard to ask for help, and when i do, it does the opposite. i’m just so tired.

[lunarlesbeing]

Ughhhh so way back at the end of last year I went for a regular check in with my psychiatrist and she was concerned about my heart rate being really rapid so that office basically just set me up the same day with the first regular doctor they could find that had an opening, I ended up wearing a heart rate monitor for a week and it confirmed that I have frequent racing heart but it’s otherwise normal rhythm. She changed me to a different medication (both the old and new meds are non-stimulant options for ADHD) to see if it was a side effect from the other one and nothing changed so she’s told me the last few times I’ve seen her that I should schedule a follow up just to check in on it again. (I’m hoping once I do I can get the clear to go back on the other med because it worked better and I really don’t think it was ever a factor with my heart tbh, I'm just anxious as fuck and also have hEDS/dysautonomia)

I’ve been putting it off because I’ve been super overwhelmed just in general (and also the new med doesn't do as much for executive dysfunction which doesn't help) but finally went to schedule something today. I actually was thinking of just seeing the same doctor as last time for the sake of continuity (and I don't normally like male doctors but he was actually pretty chill) but could only find him currently listed for a center a few towns over (my local hospital has a bunch of connected offices and it’s one of them but further than I was hoping to drive if I can avoid it) so I figured I’d try first with the doctor I’ve seen for other things in the past. But when I called they said she was booked up and I was like “yeah that’s fine I haven’t seen her in awhile” and agreed to see someone else with more availability.

But then when they asked what the appointment was for they were apparently super confused by my explanation (probably because of how much time has passed tbh) and ended up putting me on hold while they tried to figure it out and then said they’d call me back when they got more details from my psychiatrist and the other doctor I saw (who apparently might actually be practicing at the main center but just wasn’t listed there? Which would make things easier but it wasn’t really clear) about what they actually wanted me to do but I never heard back from them before the end of the day so…hopefully they call me back tomorrow? Ugh it sucks though, I get so much phone anxiety even under the best of circumstances so this is literally like my nightmare scenario, I had to have a stress cry about it once I got off even though the receptionist was super nice the whole time

[yamimichi]

I'm sick of seeing Trump's name and face. I wish he'd just disappear. But we are living in extraordinary times. Hopefully when this is all over he'll just be some name in the history books.

I'm sick of the Republicans crying about Hunter Biden and his damn laptop.

I'm going through a very dark time mentally and this shit doesn't help.

There are new stressors in my life. Not my usual anxiety/stress. These are coming from outside sources and are beyond my control. I'm scared to death of these things. I'm having minor freak-outs quite frequently. Like I said, I can't do anything about these things. All I can do is keep taking my meds and talk to my therapist and psychiatrist.

These things have me irrationally scared.

And none of this shit with the Cheeto-Faced Shitgibbon is helping. I'm scared. I'm scared that... what if something goes wrong? What if he does get re-elected? Or what if some other republican gets elected and pardons him? I don't know what that will mean for me and my family.

I've been having palpitations quite frequently.

I missed my appointment with my cardiologist yesterday. I thought it was today.

My husband and son don't know how to help me.

. . .

Sorry for rambling.

[nyaacatboy]

me: hi disability services at my university, i would like two (2) accomodations that would make my life much easier, please and thank you

disability services: best i can do is academic coaching and telling you you have the wrong disability for the accomodations you've requested

[crypticspacecat]

Prisoner Chapter IV (Yan!Dr.KujoxBlack!Femreader)

Hey, it's been a while! I do apologize for taking so long, besides being busy with work, I've been dealing with mental health stuff. I also apologize for the short chapter. Also, lmk if you want part of the taglist!

Enjoy!

Chapter I

Chapter II

Chapter III

TW: Mental health, suicide mention, and ableist language

@chaichaiiskai

You lay in bed, feeling like you just left an acupuncture appointment. The only bright side to dealing with needles was that you got to eat lunch right after. Despite being in your room most of the day, you were brought some books to curb boredom. Your personal favorite out of the collection is, “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. You hear another knock at the door. Nurse Lynn walks in with a bag full of clothing and a pair of shoes.

“They just finished checking everything. They only kept your other pair of shoes because they have laces.” She mentions while placing the bag on your bed. You thank her as she leaves to tend to another patient. You sort out the clothes, wondering which one to wear today. You find your favorite simple blue shirt with Sonic the Hedgehog printed in the middle. Alongside, you pick out some plain black sweatpants and some slippers. Something about having your own clothes makes you a little more comfortable. You quickly grab your toiletries to hop in the shower.

10 Years Ago…

As a graduate student, one of the requirements for Jotaro’s degree was to shadow more experienced psychiatrists. For one of the psychiatrists, he had to observe an appointment involving a 13-year-old girl. Walking into the office, he couldn’t help but notice the cramped space. The room felt incredibly tiny but the girl in front of him looked even smaller. Well, at least compared to the 6’5 30-year-old. 

“Ok, Ms. (L/N), right? I am Dr. Lewenski and I have a medical student observing us today if that’s alright with you.” He says, not even looking into the young girl’s eyes. Something that Jotaro definitely noticed and it annoyed him. The young girl only nodded, afraid to make eye contact with either man. The doctor proceeds to log into his laptop to prepare for the interview.

“What brings you in today?”

“I was referred to you by the local hospital.”

“Ah yes, I see the file they sent over. You were admitted to St. Mary’s for a suicide attempt via overdose. Is that correct?”

“Yes sir.” The young girl mumbles with her arms crossed. The silent giant can’t help but notice the doctor’s lack of life when talking. He doesn’t want to be there.

“Well, how have things been so far?”

“I don’t think the medicine is helping, I still feel bad and I’ve been crying a lot. Even going to school has been hard because of my classmates calling me a ‘psycho’” She confesses, on the verge of tears. Unfortunately, the doctor couldn’t care less and wanted this appointment over with.

“Since you were only put on the medication a week ago, I would give it more time. With those kinds of medications, it gets worse before it gets better. I’ll see you again in a month.” The doctor deadpans before giving her a paper with her information printed out. Despite her dejected appearance, she slowly nods and abruptly leaves the room.

Jotaro finds himself extremely irritated. Despite her records being right in front of him, the neglectful doctor couldn’t be bothered to actually check on her current state.

“He didn’t even make eye contact…” He whispers to himself in disgust. He honestly felt for the young girl, being so young with a disease you can’t easily get rid of like the common cold. The fact that the doctor was so unengaged was baffling and almost infuriating.

When Dr. Lewenski left for lunch, Jotaro used his laptop that he conveniently left behind to find out more information about the young girl. He wasn’t sure what to expect, but it wasn’t certainly such crass statements from her mother.

‘So you’re telling me she’s crazy?’

‘That girl has always been troublesome…’

‘Can she be fixed?’

Jotaro almost slammed the laptop shut in fury but he knows he has to keep going. If no one is going to help this girl, he will…

You leave the shower, feeling refreshed and not as sluggish. While changing into your clothes, you notice the sun going down. Despite the window bars, you can still appreciate its beauty. You hear a soft knock before seeing one of the nurses walk in.

“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that Dr. Kujo wants to see you before dinnertime. When you’re finished I’ll be waiting outside.” The nurse explains. You nod in understanding and put on your slippers. You hope to God you won’t be here for very long.

[olivia200312]

Accident~ RID2015! Optimus x Human! Reader

Plot: Y/N got into an accident in her house.

So, this is a true one-shot. This is NOT a lie. I got into an accident this morning. I woke up normally like every other human but when I wanted to move my head, I felt a massive intense pain at the back of my neck and head area. When I stood up, I felt dizzy. I moved a bit but it got so worse that I wanted to lay back down. But I collapsed and my face made contact with the floor. Luckily not hard but I did get a bloody nose. I felt very hot and was pale. But this all stopped when I laid down and slept a bit. My grandmother called my mom and she arrived s fast she can. The ambulance was called and they took me to the hospital. They checked my health and I was allowed to go. I also bit my lip a little bit hard so it's swollen when I fell. I wear a case around my neck and have to take it easy. This all happened on July 16th.

This continues after You're No Alone and Author! Check them out!

Author: one-shot where I became a self-published author on July 10th.

You're Not Alone: on February 5th, my grandfather passed away.

Head area:

Brain: Processor / Brain Module

Head: Helm

Face: Face plate

Ears: Audio receptors / Receptor Orifice / Audials

Nose: Enstril / Olfactory Sensor

Eye brow: Optical Ridge

Eyes: Optics

Mouth: Intake

Lips: Dermas

Teeth: Denta/Dentas

Tongue: Glossa

Chest area:

Chest: Chassis / Thoraxal Cavity

Back: Hexa-Lateral Scapula

Spine: Bipedalism cord / Back Strut

Chest and back armour:

Chest plate

Back plate

Mid-section plating

Neck guard

Side plating

Arm area:

Arms: Arms / Restarlueus

Forearms: Bitarlueus

Hands: Servos

Fingers: Digits

Arm armour:

Gantlets

Shoulder pads

Arm guard

Lower area:

Pelvis: Pelvis

Butt: Aft / Skid-Plate

Thighs: Tibulen

Calves: Cadulen

Feet: Pedes - the high heel bits are called Struts or Heel Struts.

Lower armour:

Skirt plates

Aft plate / Skid plate

Thigh guard

Ankle guard

General/Internal components:

Muscles: Cables / Pistons - It depends on the area in question.

Veins: Fual lines

Stomach: Tanks

Lungs: Vents - used to stop the con/bot from over heating.

Heart: Spark

Tattoos: D-con/A-bot Insignias and the lark

T-Cog: The thing that allows all Cybertronians to transform, be that their arms or their whole body.

Bonus:

Penis: Spike

Vagina: Valve

Body: Frame

-----------------------------------------------------

The alarm clock went off through Y/N's phone. She groaned and reached to put it off. Just as she wanted to move her head, she felt an intense massive pain at the back of her neck and head area. The pain was so intense and aggressive that it paralyzed Y/N to move. She nearly cried because it was very painful! But she managed to push the tears down. She moved her head very carefully. She then managed to stand up but she felt extremely dizzy and hot. She even was pale! Just as she grabbed her things like her phone, the charger, her wristwatch, and her headphones, it got far worse. She wanted to lay down again. She really tried to reach the bed but then... she collapsed. Her face made contact with the ground. It wasn't luckily hard, but she, either way, felt her nose drip out blood. She bit her lip a little bit hard that it will be sure swollen later. She even felt hot! Due to collapsing, she dropped her stuff, creating noises.

There were fast footsteps heard and the door of her bedroom opened. It was her grandmother. The poor woman looked panicked once she saw her granddaughter laying on the floor. "N/N, are you ok?" She immediately helped her up and made sure that she laid down on the bed.

"I f-feel weak."

The grandmother then saw blood drops on the floor, the carpet. She picked up her granddaughter's stuff that was dropped and laid them on the table. "I'll call your mother and clean the blood. Oh my god..." She immediately left the bedroom to call Y/N's mother and once it was done, she started cleaning to get the blood off. Once it was done, she sat down on Y/N's bed and kept an eye on her.

There were noises heard since Y/N's granny lived in an apartment. There was an elevator. Y/N heard the elevator clearly and it stopped on the floor where Y/N's granny lived. The doors opened and she entered the place. She immediately entered the bedroom. Her eyes widened when she saw her daughter in a weak state. "What happened?"

"I-I don't know. She collapsed on the ground. She has a high temperature."

That's when Y/N heard that her mother will call the ambulance. Oh no... Please no needles! Y/N didn't have enough strength to respond she took small naps until the ambulance arrived. It was two grown-up adult males. They were friendly. At that time, Y/N managed to sit up on her bed, her feet touching the carpet floor. She explained everything to the men while her family watched worriedly. They checked her blood pressure and her temperature. Like this one thing where you put your finger in. Y/N's temperature went down back to normal quite fast and she even stood up! She even moved and she felt no dizziness! Huh, looks like her body took the action quickly. Y/N wanted not to get tested but her mother wanted her to. God... She's an overprotective mother since she's single and loved her child dearly.

Y/N's grandmother helped her granddaughter to actually put her pants on before the ambulance arrived. She carefully stood up while the men made sure that she didn't collapse again. Y/N's mother packed like Y/N's phone, wallet, and the book she published. She had to wait for a few days to finally hold her book in her hands. What's stupid was that she had to pay for her own book instead of getting it for free since she's the author after all. The world was so stupid sometimes...

For the first time in her whole life, she rode in an ambulance car. One man was driving while the other was with Y/N, writing important information of Y/N's mother's card ID. Y/N herself was 17, almost 18. Let's just say that the accident happened on the day when her mother was supposed to come over and hand her daughter the book. It was honestly a very sad day for Y/N... She was excited to hold her book in her hands but look t that... a freaking accident.

The ambulance finally arrived at the hospital and Y/N was checked this time by a nurse. Everything went fine. The doctor came to check on her and Y/N explained everything. The doctor explained that the pain might be caused due to sleeping positions or other reasons. And the attack of dizziness, it could be caused by stress.

"Ever since my father's passing, she had a very hard time accepting that he's not here anymore. I see her constantly trapped with her feelings and emotions. She might have possible autism but it's not sure yet because the tests didn't happen yet. She even confessed that she wanted to commit suicide by taking pills. We are going to a psychiatrist but it doesn't help sometimes." When Y/N looked at her mother, she had a sad and soft look.

The doctor looked shocked by Y/N's mother's story. He couldn't help but feel sad for the teenage girl. She suffered a lot and still does. No one deserved to go through this, especially a kid. He looked to Y/N's mother and told her that it's better to continue to go to a psychiatrist. That's when Y/N was finally letten go with her mother. But however, before they can ride fully home, she heard her mother make an appointment with the doctor for a blood test. Oh, come on!

Later~

Optimus heard the news of what had happened. He got very worried when he heard that Y/N fainted. In his processor, he knew that it could be from the stress. Ever since her grandfather's passing, she never got better. She would cry for days, she didn't eat for 3 days which caused her to feel dizziness and headaches. She nearly landed in the hospital because of this. She started having trouble with her emotions and feelings. Not only that, but 2 months later after Y/N's grandfather's passing, her mother had a discussion with her, and guess what she found out, Y/N's other grandfather passed away on December 23th! Y/N never met her other grandfather before. She never saw him but she did saw how he looked from photos. His death was kept a secret for 2 FREAKING MONTHS! Y/N's father went to live in England with his new 'family'. Y/N's father did everything, especially paying the bills but he found out that his girlfriend had enough money to actually pay the bills! She lied the entire time! Y/N's father quickly broke up with her so he lived alone now. Y/N remembered the day very well when she heard the news that her other grandfather passed away in December. She cried. Yes, she may have never met him but she's sad that she lost someone that she could never meet. She wanted always to meet him! But he mysteriously disappeared after Y/N's parent's wedding day! Y/N had so many questions at that time. Had he ever heard of her? Did he know that he had a granddaughter? And many other questions. Y/N was right to be mad at her family. She was furious for days and there's still anger in her, she just doesn't show it. She rather keeps it hidden.

On the 3rd of July, just as summer vacation began, Y/N traveled to Poland with her mother. Since her grandfather passed away in Poland, both mother and daughter had difficulties traveling. Corona was still out there and the airports were controlling the passengers. You need to have important documents and proof that you are fully vaccinated or negative. Y/N was not vaccinated so she had to the test and let me tell you, it was disgusting! You know, the long thick thin stick in your nose to get the cells? Y/N's mother was also not vaccinated so she had to do the test as well. On the 4th of July; she went to visit her grandfather's grave. It was so painful... Y/N's mother believed that it would ease the pain, but she was so wrong, it didn't ease at all! Y/N wanted badly to talk to her grandfather alone but her two aunts and her mother stood close by. She didn't get privacy at all. She was mad. Y/N refused to eat for hours as well. But eventually, she came to eat when it was time for dinner.

2 days later, she returned back to the cemetery. She was alone this time with her mom. She had one minute of silence with her mother and FINALLY, Y/N got the privacy she needed. She must have at least talked for 1 hour to her grandfather's grave because she spoke a lot. She was thankful that her mom understood her. She said at the end her goodbyes and wanted to hug his grave, but she felt ashamed, shy, and embarrassed so she only touched the cross and cried. She cried the whole time.

At that time, Y/N was fighting was depression for months now. It was not easy due to the loss of a loved one instead of an animal. She missed of course her pet friends she lost, but with people was very different. When you lose someone for the first time, it's so painful. It can take a long time to get over with or part pain will stay forever inside of you. Depression cannot be 'cured' but you can control it with your power. It's not easy and it can be stressful, exhausting, and painful as well. Pain can be felt in your heart. What's one of the most important things to NOT ever do to a depressed person was yelling. It happened to Y/N. Her aunt, or her second mother, who lived in Poland, texted her and asked how she was doing. Y/N responded that she's fine. But she also told also that texted if she doesn't get better because of her possible autism or mental illnesses, then she will not go to work. But what Y/N's second mother send next, made Y/N mad. She responded like she doesn't have mental illnesses and that she needed only more explanation. Seriously? That made Y/N cry! Why was she reacting fast? Why was she quickly angry? Why was she having bad days? Why was she losing interest in her activities sometimes? Why had she dark thoughts? Why would she cry a lot? Why was she having trouble with emotions and feelings? Think about other symptoms. Those were clear signs of depression. According to an American's website where the experts knew everything about the loss of a loved one and what can happen further in the future if you don't get better in like 5-6 months after you lost someone, the chances were high that you had depression but it's important to go to a doctor where it helps you and asked questions. It's important, to tell the truth. once it was done, the doctor will finally give you the diagnoses that you were waiting for what's happening inside of you.

Y/N had to wait sadly. Still waiting. It can take up to almost 1 year or 2 to meet the doctor where the diagnoses can be finally revealed. She had possible autism as well. It was very possible Asperger's Syndrome. It's autism where people have difficulties communicating with other people but also having trouble understanding. The person can talk very well but sometimes can be quiet as a mouse too. People who have it were very unique. They even don't like to be touched all the time and don't like to make eye contact. Y/N's grandmother was the first one to notice the symptoms and told her daughter, Y/N's mother, to bring her to the doctor but Y/N's mother didn't notice anything until finally years later when her father passed away. So, they're on the waiting list. I mean, they had to be.

But anyway, Y/N's mother caught her daughter crying after she was done chatting with her second mother. Sometimes, Y/N doesn't want to talk about why she's crying but she's sometimes being pushed a little bit too hard which was not smart at all. When Y/N explained why, let's just say that later, Y/N's own mother, started to yell at her. Yes, Y/N had been fighting for months but seriously? Y/N wanted to scream and fight back but she couldn't! But when the fight was finally done, Y/N's heart was full of pain and felt hopeless as well. Y/N's mother should have never yelled at her! The results will be only crying! Sometimes, it can give results of an attack or worse...

Later~

Y/N walked carefully while not wearing a cervical collar around her neck. The doctor said that she didn't have to wear it all the time and recommended to at least sometimes move carefully her neck. Y/N felt pain sometimes but it's healing. She couldn't laugh hard, not yawn widely, etc. It was so annoying! She still couldn't forget her mother's yelling inside her head and those memories will probably haunt her. She already got her first corona vaccine and tomorrow, she needed to take a blood test because ever since the accident, her health was getting suspicious. Y/N decided to confront her mother at the doctor tomorrow and teach her a lesson that yelling at a depressed person was not smart at all. Now that she's a self-published author, she's busy writing about her life to inspire and teach others. Her mother needed to learn too.

"Sweetspark, when I heard about your accident, I was very worried," Optimus said, who randomly appeared behind her.

Y/N turned around fully to let her neck heal. "I am fine now. Just giving my neck time to heal. Sorry about worrying you..." She felt ashamed.

Optimus wrapped her arms around her waist, causing her to relax and lean gently against him. "Please remember that you're not alone, sweetspark. We all are here to help you. What your carrier did was not smart but I am proud of you that you'll confront her about it."

Y/N only hummed and couldn't help but smile when she felt him leaving soft kisses where she felt pain at her neck and head area. She giggled and Optimus smiled.

P.S. when Y/N became an author, only her second ex, her family, and her followers on Wattpad congratulated her. None of her friends did. Do you consider this disrespectful rude or heartless?

Yes, readers. Every detail left there is all the truth, including the yelling as well. I got the first shot of the corona vaccine and I feel still small pain but it's not bad luckily like the HPV vaccine I got once. So painfully... But my mother feared that soon the entire country will force everyone to get vaccinated, except kids under 12. Sorry to disappoint you all about the shot... The part at the end of my friends not congratulating me is also the truth :(. Darn blood test tomorrow! I have a phobia of needles...

[i-am-my-own-goal]

I can’t focus at work the last two days. Some days are really easy and I just…get things done. Then some days my brain just…can’t do it. I start one task that reminds me of several others and I’m trying to write the others down but my brain just shuts down. I feel overwhelmed. I have so many phone calls I need to do and there isn’t time. And there’s less time bevsuse of how much time I spend staring into space trying to self regulate.

I don’t have any caffeine to help me focus. Music is helping a little. Idk if I’m “stimming” or if there’s a different word for it , but rocking is helping a little. Discovered that certain songs make my brain feel “good” but the ads come in and then I get distracted again.

I meant to talk to my psychiatrist about ADHD meds but I forgot I had the appointment bevsuse I’ve been super struggling with routine and schedules since my trip in October. I accidentally triple booked myself csuse the appointments were written in different places. So I missed the psych appointment. She called me so we got like, 5 minutes to talk but then I forgot about the adhd thing.

I want to run out to the store for caffeine but that wastes more time. Like writing this post is wasting time.

I feel like crying. Or screaming. Today feels so hard and I don’t know why.

——

Made a priority list. It doesn’t even seem like that much but it feels so overwhelming

[cafedanslanuit]

thank you for your request, you’re too kind ;-; and your english is good! <3 i hope you’re doing fine, sending you a big hug <3

trigger-warning: self-harm. please, if you’re going through a rough time, remember you’re not alone, even if it feels that way. ask for help to a friend, a teacher, your parents or anyone you trust. remember there’s no shame in going to a mental health specialist, whether it’s a psychologist or a psychiatrist. it’s going to get better. you’re going to be so proud of yourself in the future for making it through this rough time <3

Zen

He wasn’t home during your breakdown, so he just noticed when you changed into your pajamas

He saw the bruises and immediately asked about them, if you had fallen and why you hadn’t told him so he can soothe the bruises and make sure they don’t last longs you know he’s an actor

You explained quietly you had a rough episode a few hours ago. You had managed to calm yourself down, but after taking a shower you realized you had left bruises.

He put his arms around your body and whispered how much he loved you and that you shouldn’t that to yourself. He kept reminding you how much you were loved, holding your body close until you drifted to an easy sleep. He kissed your head and nuzzled his face into your shoulder, wishing this was the last time you felt that way.

Yoosung

He had his headphones on while playing so he really didn’t listen to you crying. But he got up to grab his phone charger, took off his headphone and heard you sniffling

He almost ran to the living room, where you were sitting on a coach, crying softly and idly punching your thighs.

Yoosung quickly stopped your movement and made you look at him. He was scared, but helped you calm down until you could manage to tell him what had made you feel so frustrated.

He prepared you something to eat and then snuggled you on the coach, leaving his videogames behind. His priority was to make sure you were safe now.

Jaehee

You were both in bed. She was working on her laptop while you were reading a book.

“Could you grab this for a moment?” she said, putting her open laptop on your lap, grabbing a folder from the nightstand. She noticed you winced and immediately took the laptop off.

“Are you okay? What happened to your legs?”

You tried to brush it off but it was really difficult to do so when your girlfriend looked so concerned as she did. You finally confessed you had had a breakdown when she was at work and that you had ended up with some bruises.

She took your hand as you told her how it all started and how you knew it was a bad coping mechanism. Jaehee suggested you consult with a psychologist, and that she could help you find one you feel comfortable with. You agreed to check with her in the morning.

She prepared you a cup of tea and then watched as you fell asleep easily after finally talking about what was on your mind. She would be right next to you whenever you needed to.

Jumin

He had wanted to surprise you, but it didn’t turn out the way he wanted. The first sound that came to his ears when he opened the door was you, crying.

Jumin quickly started looking for you, finally finding you on the edge of your bed, punching your thighs as your whole body trembled.

He almost ran to you and grabbed your wrists, stopping you from harming yourself any further. He kneeled in front of you asked you what was happening. You refused to talk to him.

Seeing you were too upset to explain, Jumin lowered his gaze, noticing your thighs were red and swollen and would most likely bruise. He felt his heart break. Without giving it much thought, he pressed the softest kiss on your right thigh, and then on the left. There wasn’t a drop of lust in his moves, just the desperation of a man not knowing what to do.

His gesture made you cry again, but now because you could tell how much he was in love with you. You held his face between your hands and made him look at you.

“I’m sorry” you whispered. “I– Okay. Let’s talk”

You told him about the gossip television show you had been watching, when suddenly they started talking about you. The new ‘mistress’ of one of the most desired bachelors of Korea. How she apparently didn’t care for her appearance (and you swore to God you tried to hard, but somehow they didn’t notice), how she was below average looking and how he could do so much better than ‘the western joke’ he paraded around.

Jumin listened in silence, not moving an inch from his crouched position. When you were done, he held your hands and kissed them.

“I don’t care what anybody else says about you. You shouldn’t either, but I know it might be easier said than done. But if you’re going to listen to anyone, listen to me now: you’re breathtaking. I can’t wait for you to be my wife so we can finally fall asleep next to each other. I can’t wait to see your face as soon as I wake up. You’re warm and kind, and you don’t expect anything in return. You made me open up my heart, which I didn’t think was possible. I can trust you with my life. So please, be kinder to yourself. Please” he pleaded.

You nodded and went in for a kiss.

Saeyoung

He knew what it was even before you could come up with an excuse to why you had bruises on your thighs. You were asleep, not noticing the sheet wasn’t covering your body any longer, so your boyfriend could see you in your pajama shorts and bruises on your thighs.

Saeyoung didn’t know when he started crying, but when some tears fell on your bruised skin, he immediately wiped his face. He started caressing your thighs, tears still falling. He didn’t notice when you woke up. As soon as you noticed he had seen your bruises you gasped, failing to cover them again.

“Saeyoung, I– I fell and…

“Don’t” he sighed. He wiped his face again and looked at you with a broken smile. “I know I’m not the most– I’m not good at opening up but… please, try for me? It hurts seeing you like this.”

“You have so much work and–”

“My work means shit” he quickly said. “You’re the most important thing I have, along with Saeran. And I don’t wanna lose either of you. So find me, talk to me. Okay?”

You took a deep breath. “Okay”

V

“I’m so sorry!” you whimpered when he finally found the bruises. “I– I thought I could manage on my own. I don’t want you taking care of me, you’ve done enough. I don’t want you to repeat the cycle of taking care of someone else’s problem” you explained, lowering your gaze. “I’ll ask for an appointment at the hospital, just– don’t think about it, I can manage”

“If you want to go to an appointment with a psychologist, it’s okay. I’ll drive you there every time you need to go. But MC…” he sighed, lifting your chin so you could look at him. “I think you were the one that told me I shouldn’t keep my problems to myself. You taught me I can’t manage it all on my own and that I should trust the people I love. So now… please trust me. We can do this together.”

“But you’ve been someone else’s caretaker for so long, it’s not fair” you sighed.

“Yes, that’s true. But this isn’t me being your caretaker. This is us being a team. I’ve been trying to be more open about my struggles, right?” he asked with a soft smile. You nodded. “So, let’s take care of ourselves. Together”.

Saeran

He noticed the bruises when you were back from the shower, a towel around your body. He didn’t say anything and pretended to be asleep. But he couldn’t get any rest that day. From someone who had been punched several times, he knew what those marks were from.

Saeran talked about it on his weekly appointment with his psychologist. She suggested that he talked to you, but he didn’t feel you were going to be honest about it.

Still, he tried. You assured him it was a one time only and wouldn’t happen again. You were frustrated about messing up dinner and things escalated.

Three days later, he pretended to fall asleep when you entered the shower. When you came back and sat on the bed, he opened his eyes a little noticing how you had scratches on your shoulder.

He couldn’t rest that night either.

“Remember when I said I wanted to get married?” he asked in the morning. You turned around to look at him. “And you said we should wait until I had made progress in therapy because you wanted me to be healthy so I could enjoy being married?”

You nodded. “Yeah, I remember that. Why?”

“I want you to be healthy too, you know. When I finally get better” he said, turning his head to you. You furrowed your eyebrows, playing dumb. “I saw your shoulders last night” he mentioned and you felt your face going pale.

You started talking about how it had started a couple of months ago. How you would get frustrated, sad, angry and it always ended up with you hitting yourself. But you wanted to prioritize him and thought it would get better on its own, but now you feared it wouldn’t.

He listened to you and then cradled you on his chest. He kissed your forehead and held you tighter.

“I’m doing fine. Well– better. So, don’t worry. You had my back so much time, now I got yours. Forever”.

Saeran asked his psychologist for a recommendation at his next appointment. You ended up making an appointment in the same clinic at the same time, so you could be there for each other when your separate sessions were done. It was definitely comforting to go for ice cream with him, knowing it was, somehow, going to get better.

[spencers-renaissance]

Rain is a Chance to be Touched Ch.15

if we cannot find the light, we will always make our own

Chapter Fourteen

This is the fifteenth chapter in my ongoing hotchreid fic! Please click here for the fic summary, full tags, trigger warnings, more information etc.

Last Chapter: Derek & Emily called Spencer for a consult, and with him off his antidepressants, things very quickly fell apart.

In This Chapter: Hotch & Penelope pick up the pieces.

tw: depression-related exhaustion, disordered thinking, reference to last chapter's breakdown, discussion of medication

Word Count: 4K

RCT Masterlist // Main Masterlist // Read on AO3

(Quick Note: A couple of chapters ago I referred to Spencer's psychiatrist by she/her pronouns, but I forgot that I assigned that character he/him pronouns wayyy back, so I've decided to go with that one. I just wanted to address that in case anyone else caught it like I did! I apologise for the mistake & any confusion it might have caused.)

AARON

"Find my hand in the darkness and if we cannot find the light, we will always make our own." — Tyler Knott Gregson

Aaron doesn’t fall asleep until well into the small hours of the morning, finally lulled into a cold dreamless sleep once he’s cried himself out. He keeps as quiet as he can, but he knows he won’t wake Spencer up anyway: he’s completely exhausted, and he’s out cold. It’s a small consolation, but he tries to take a small bit of comfort in knowing that his boyfriend is at least getting the rest he needs.

He wakes up only a couple of hours after he falls asleep, and despite feeling completely exhausted, he sets about the things he needs to do. The first thing he does is call Strauss to request a family day — thankfully, the bureau’s been a lot more understanding of his situation since Haley died — before texting Derek and telling him that he needs to take charge of the team if they get sent on a case. Then he calls Jess and asks if she can collect Jack from his sleepover at lunchtime and have him until the evening.

With the technicalities sorted out, he makes a phone call to Spencer's psychiatrist. At this point, if he has to drag him kicking and screaming, if Spencer never talks to him again, if it calls an irreparable rift in their relationship, it won’t get in the way of him getting Spencer the help he needs. After an emergency appointment for 11am is booked, he collapses onto the sofa and calls Penelope.

“Hotch? It’s not even 7am, is everything alright?”

Just hearing her voice, hearing someone ask if he’s okay, is enough to push him over the edge. “No,” he admits into the phone, not even trying to disguise the emotion in his voice.

“I’m on my way,” she says immediately, and he can hear a flurry of activity start up on the other end of the line. “What’s happened, Hotch?”

He breathes out shakily, running a hand down his face. The early morning sun, the bustling city below him, the bright apartment all seems so contrary to the current situation. “Spencer hit a breaking point last night,” he says shakily, unsure exactly how to word it. “Derek and Emily called him to consult on a case, and they were as brisk and focused as we all are when we’re working, but he’s out of practice; he’s not used to that way of doing things anymore. It triggered him and sent him into what I’m gonna guess was a panic attack? But honestly, Penelope… it looked like a breakdown.”

“Oh God,” she says quietly, and the sound of her exiting her apartment reassures Aaron a little.

“I had no idea how to handle it,” he says, dissolving into tears. “He locked himself in the bathroom and was literally tearing his hair out… there were clumps of hair all over the floor. He was screaming at me to leave, telling me he wasn’t good enough that he forgot his place? I had no idea what he was saying—”

Penelope interrupts him. “Oh no.”

“What?”

“Well, when I first found out about his depression, Spencer told me something about how he didn’t feel like he was good for anything except his brain and IQ, you know? He said that he wasn’t cut out for friendships or relationships and I’m pretty sure he called that his ‘place’. It’s stuck with me because of just how awful it sounded.”

“Fuck,” Aaron mutters, sniffing as a fresh wave of tears come to his eyes. “So Emily and Derek consulting him for their case triggered those thoughts again.”

“Sounds like it,” she agrees. “They’re gonna feel so guilty.”

Aaron knows she’s in a tricky situation: her girlfriend and close friend sending her best friend into a near-breakdown, and for a brief minute he feels guilty for roping her in before reminding himself that she wouldn’t be anywhere else if Spencer needed her.

“Yeah, I don’t even know what I’m gonna do about that,” he sighs. “I thought about not telling them, because Spencer doesn’t need everyone knowing about every step of his recovery; it’s personal, right? But more secrets between everyone… I don’t know, it doesn’t feel like a good idea. Especially not for something this serious.”

“We’ll figure it out together,” Penelope promises. “Look, I’m in my car now. I’ll be there in 10, okay?”

He sighs in relief. “Thanks, Penelope.”

They hang up and he drops his phone next to him before staring up at the ceiling for a minute, rubbing his temples. Forcing himself off the sofa, he considers putting the coffee machine on but he doesn’t want the sound of the bean grinder to wake Spencer up, so he settles for a cup of instant coffee instead, putting a slice of bread in the toaster as well.

By the time he’s finished his second slice, Penelope’s letting herself in.

“He’s still asleep?”

He nods, watching as she dumps her handbag on the armchair and walks further into the apartment. It’s always strange seeing her without her usual colourful outfits and makeup on, and although he’s gotten used to it in the past year as they’ve rallied around Spencer, sometimes it still reminds him of seeing her in her casual clothes for the first time when she got shot a couple of years ago.

“I’m just gonna grab some breakfast and a tea,” she says quietly, helping herself to everything in the kitchen as she always does. “You go and sit down, I’ll be over in a minute and we can discuss a game plan.”

He obeys, closing his eyes against the headache coming on, but it’s only a couple of minutes before Penelope’s sitting in the armchair opposite the sofa with a cup of chamomile tea and a slice of marmalade toast.

“Right, the first thing we need to tackle is convincing him to get back on his meds,” Penelope says seriously, keeping her voice low to avoid waking Spencer up.

He nods. “I know. I’ve made an emergency appointment with his psychiatrist for 11am, it’s just a case of a) getting him there and b) making him listen to him.”

“The problem is that he sees going back on medication as admitting defeat or failing at recovery. We need to have a really honest, frank conversation with him about it, but I just don’t know how we’re gonna get him to believe us.”

“Maybe we should use our own experiences? He doesn’t think any less of me or think I’m weak when I take pain medication when my injuries flare up. He wouldn’t think any less of you for accepting pain meds throughout your recovery after you were shot. He doesn’t think less of his mother because she relies on psychiatric medication.”

Penelope nods. “He has a twisted perception of himself. One rule for himself, another for everyone else.”

Something about her words makes Aaron feel suddenly, desperately sad. He’s always been sad for Spencer and what he’s gone through, and he’s been crying most of the night, but the realisation, the reassertion, of just how much Spencer hates himself, what his brain’s put him through over the last two years cuts deep, winding him.

“I just wish he could see himself the way we see him,” he says sadly, another tear spilling down his cheek, as though he has anything left to give.

Penelope’s expression tells him she feels the same.

Hotch goes in to check on Spencer as the clock approaches nine, and his heart breaks for the thousandth time when he finds him staring listlessly at the wall again.

“Morning, baby,” he says gently, making his way into the room.

Thankfully, it grabs Spencer’s attention, and he turns to look at him, misery and self-loathing written all over his face. He doesn’t say anything, but he holds eye contact with Aaron long enough for him to understand that it’s okay for him to be there, and he makes his way further into the room, climbing onto the bed. He’s not expecting Spencer to immediately latch onto him, burying his face in his t-shirt as he clings to him like he’s going somewhere, but that’s exactly what happens.

“Penelope’s in the living room,” he murmurs, carding his fingers through Spencer’s hair. There’s no expectation for him to reply, so he lets the words settle over them as they lay quietly together; the calm after the storm. Aaron hopes it won’t double as the before as well.

After a good couple of minutes, Spencer shifts, and Aaron follows his lead as they shuffle out of the bedroom towards Penelope’s contemplative perch on the sofa. Spencer heads straight towards her, curling into her side and drawing the warm comfort Penelope always has to offer.

“Oh, baby genius,” she whispers, kissing the top of his head. “You’re okay. We love you so much.”

It’s apparently the wrong thing to say, because Spencer immediately withdraws, curling in on himself as he starts to cry.

“Hey, hey, Spencer,” Aaron soothes calmly as he rushes over to his side, “what’s going on?”

Penelope starts to apologise but Aaron shakes his head and she settles for resting a gentle hand on his side instead.

“Can you tell us what’s wrong, Spencer?” Aaron asks, a knot forming in his stomach as he hopes against hope that this won’t turn into a repeat of last night. “We can’t help you unless you talk to us.”

Spencer takes a ragged breath in, turning his face slightly towards Aaron’s direction, and his chest clenches at the bags under his sore, red eyes; his pallid skin. “I’m sorry,” he says shakily, wiping at the tears on his face.

“You don’t have to apologise, Spencer. You just need to tell us how we can help you,” Penelope says gently, her hand rubbing small, consoling circles on his side.

Spencer meets his eyes, his face crumpling as he does and Aaron, in that moment, is reminded distinctly of a star collapsing in on itself. Spencer heaves a painful sob as two more tears spill down his cheeks. “I don’t want to feel like this anymore.”

The admission seems obvious at surface level, but the magnitude of such a statement isn’t lost on either Aaron nor Penelope.

Aaron sighs sadly. “Come here, baby.” Spencer falls gladly into Aaron’s embrace, sobbing dejectedly into his shoulder, sounding so tired and defeated that it’s painful to listen to.

Once he’s finished crying himself out, Aaron and Penelope switch places, Aaron moving to sit on the sofa with Spencer propped up against him and Penelope settling into the armchair.

He approaches his next words carefully. “I’ve made an appointment for you to see Dr Parker at 11am. Penelope and I will take you, and we both think that you should talk to him about going back on the venlafaxine.”

To his surprise Spencer just nods tiredly, no longer crying and instead resuming his blank staring.

“And we also think you should consider talking to Derek and Emily about what happened yesterday,” Penelope suggests quietly, an encouraging expression on her face.

Spencer looks up at her, emotions flying across his face as he processes her words and how he feels about them. Briefly, he looks like he’s about to argue, about to shout or get mad, but he quickly deflates. “They’ll feel guilty,” he says miserably. “Not their fault.”

“Your relationships with everyone have come a long way, Spencer, and that’s great. But everyone is still fragile and affected by everything that’s happened in the past year, and keeping secrets like these is only going to hurt everyone more.”

Spencer’s still and silent for a moment before he nods reluctantly.

“I think that maybe,” Aaron ventures cautiously, “you should avoid doing any consulting work for a while. It’s clearly damaging for you and is always going to come with potential triggers, and when you’re already feeling sad and vulnerable, it’s really just a catalyst for an event like yesterday evening.”

Spencer nods at that, too, and Aaron wishes he could take his acquiescence as a win, but he knows it’s coming from a place of defeat and despair, and he’ll never take any consolation in that.

“Okay, sweetheart,” Aaron says. “We have about an hour until we need to leave, so why don’t we get you some food, get you into the shower, and then you can rest for any left over time? Does that sound okay?”

At Spencer’s agreement, Penelope heads to the kitchen to whip him up something a bit more nutritious than the toast they both settled for, while Aaron takes him to the bathroom to wash up.

“Are you alright on your own?” he asks as he sets the shower up for him, Spencer perching on the edge of the bath as he waits.

Instead of answering his question though, panic suddenly crosses Spencer’s face and he looks at Aaron urgently. “Jack!”

“Hey, it’s alright,” he says soothingly. “Jess is gonna pick him up from his sleepover at lunchtime and have him for the afternoon. I’ve taken a personal day and unless a case comes in, Penelope will be here for as long as we need her. Everything’s in hand.”

“But it’s Jack’s spring break! You should be spending time with him, not herding me into the shower—”

At the first sign of tears, Aaron is quick to step in, reassuring him as best he can. “Hey, I will spend time with him, alright? He was already going to be with Sam all morning, and he’ll be dropped off before dinner, so Jess is only going to have him for a couple of hours. And if you’re feeling well enough once we get back from the doctor’s, then he can come home early, but right now, your health is the most important thing we need to deal with, you hear me?”

Spencer nods reluctantly, but he can tell that the thought of cutting into Aaron’s time with Jack is only fuelling his self-loathing. Having to accept that there’s nothing he can do about that, he makes sure he’s okay in the shower before heading out into the kitchen to find Penelope.

“I can’t tell if that went well or not,” she says quietly, not looking up from the frying pan currently cooking eggs and bacon.

Aaron sighs, leaning against the counter top, his eyes fixed on the bathroom door. “I think it went about as well as it could.”

“I texted Emily and Derek, and they’re going to pop over this afternoon if we don’t get a case,” she says. “If Spencer’s not up for it, we can rearrange, but I thought it was better to be prepared.”

“No, you’re right, thank you for doing that, Penelope. What would I do without you?”

“Aw, stop it, bossman,” she says, grinning as she nudges him playfully.

He smiles. “I mean it.”

“I know. But I’m happy to help you guys out. I’d do anything for Spencer, and I know he’d do anything for me.”

“Without a doubt.”

Spencer emerges from the bathroom a few moments later, clad in a white t-shirt and some tracksuit bottoms Aaron is pretty sure are both actually his, damp curly hair a mess on his head. He can’t help but smile despite himself; his boyfriend looking so damn cute will always be a small pick-me-up on even the worst of days.

“Penelope’s cooked up a storm for you,” he says as brightly as the situation allows, guiding him to the sofa and tucking him in with a couple of blankets to get him as comfortable as possible.

He gets a small smile at that, and a murmured ‘thank you’ when Penelope brings him over a plate of bacon and eggs, arranged as perfectly as he’d expect with Penelope serving as cook.

He flicks the TV to the discovery channel, managing to catch the beginning of a documentary on big cats, and he counts it as a win when it catches Spencer’s attention, hoping it takes his mind off the pain he’s feeling just a little bit.

They spend the next forty minutes watching documentaries with Spencer before Penelope notices the time and begins herding them out the door towards the parking garage.

“No way,” Aaron laughs as she heads towards her car.

“What?”

“You are not driving, Penelope,” he says, laughing even more at her incredulous reaction. “I’ve seen you; you drive like a maniac. We’re taking my car.”

She pouts. “I hate you.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“Does this mean I have to sit in the back, too?”

He just levels her with a look that has her sighing dramatically and flinging herself into the backseat, but when he looks over at Spencer and sees a smile on his face, he’s suddenly even more thankful for Penelope.

They sit in the waiting room while Spencer has his appointment and try desperately not to make each other more anxious than they already feel. Penelope flicks through fashion magazines at a pace that tells Aaron she’s not reading a single word, and Aaron reads over and over the case notes he’d bought with him to pass the time, no more going in the second, third, eleventh time than it did the first.

Finally, though, Spencer emerges from Dr Parker’s office with a script in hand and they both sigh a small breath of relief at the idea that he’s finally getting the help he’s been needing so badly.

“Okay, baby?” he murmurs as Spencer reaches for his hand on the way out of the psychiatrist’s office, and something loosens in his chest when Spencer nods and smiles, looking happier and more relaxed than he has in weeks.

Derek and Emily come over just after lunchtime, and Penelope gets up to open the door for them, Spencer and Aaron not moving from their position on the couch, Spencer resting his head in Aaron’s lap as one of his favourite sci-fi movies is playing on the TV.

When he sees who it is, though, Spencer moves to sit up slightly, still keeping himself folded into Aaron’s side.

“Hey, Spence,” Emily says softly, taking a seat in the armchair while Penelope comes over to perch on the arm, wrapping an arm around her girlfriend, “what’s this about?”

Both Emily and Derek look confused enough that Aaron knows Spencer will be able to tell that neither he nor Penelope told them what happened last night, willing to give him a last minute out if that’s what he needs, as well as full control over the narrative.

Derek comes over to the sofa and sits next to Spencer, keeping enough distance between them to keep Spencer comfortable, though he still rests a warm hand on his ankle. “What’s going on? You can tell us anything, pretty boy, you know that.”

Spencer looks to Aaron, and the expression on his face conveys what he needs immediately.

“Yesterday, your consult with Spencer on the methanol poisoning case triggered an… event,” he explains, trying to choose his words carefully. He wants to tell the truth, but he also doesn’t want to sound like he’s blaming Derek and Emily or use language Spencer wouldn’t be happy with. “It was a breaking point of sorts and as such, he decided to go back on his medication.”

Relief tied up with confusion are the first emotions he watches play over Emily and Derek’s faces. Everyone’s been hoping Spencer will return to his medication, but he knows they’ll want more information as to what exactly happened and why they’ve been asked over.

“An event?” Emily asks, sounding a little hesitant.

Before Aaron can answer, Spencer speaks up, his voice a little tired and croaky but convicted nonetheless. “It was a breakdown,” he says plainly, not sugar-coating his words. “I was in a bad place already and I was out of practice with what a time sensitive case entails, and it sent me into a tailspin. It reminded me of all the feelings that working in the BAU caused that year, and I couldn’t handle it. I lashed out at Aaron and…”

“The details don’t matter,” Aaron rescues his tailed off sentence. “The fact is we thought that more secrets were only going to make things worse in the long run, and you needed to understand what happened last night since Spencer going back on his meds was bound to raise questions anyway.”

“I don’t want you to feel guilty,” Spencer interjects, his voice anxious and urgent. “It wasn’t your fault, it’s just the way of the BAU and if I’d been on my medication like I should’ve been in the first place it wouldn’t have been a problem, it was just a horrible medley of circumstances. But I’ve decided that I won’t be doing any consults for a while until I can get my head on straight again. It may be that I’m never able to do them without being triggered, but we’re going to play it by ear.”

Aaron smiles at him proudly, kissing the top of his head as soon as he buries back in for a cuddle.

“Oh, Spence,” Emily sighs sadly. “I’m so sorry, we didn’t even think. We were so caught up in the case we didn’t even stop to consider you and how you’d interpret things.”

“I don’t want you to feel guilty,” Spencer says again, this time from his place on Aaron’s chest. “I’m sorry that it had to be you guys that triggered the breaking point.”

“We should’ve been more considerate,” Derek says firmly, his expression filled with regret. “The last thing I’d ever want is to make you feel the way I did last year, and even though other circumstances contributed to what happened last night, we still failed you, kid, and I’m so sorry for that.”

“It’s fine, seriously. In a way, I’m glad it happened. Something had to give, and I’m glad that I can look forward to finally feeling normal again. I talked to my psychiatrist this morning and even though… it still feels a little bit like giving up, I feel better about it. And we’re gonna work on my attitude to medication in the next couple of sessions until I feel more comfortable about it.”

Aaron knows how much Spencer hates talking about his recovery, so it feels like a big step for him to be so personal and vulnerable in front of four different people, even if they are all virtually his family at this point.

“I’m proud of you, Spencer,” Emily says earnestly, and even though Aaron can tell she still feels guilty, at least it’s no longer the most dominant emotion on her face.

“Me too, kid. You’ve been through hell and back and we’re all so proud of you for getting to where you are.”

Spencer smiles gratefully, but Aaron can tell he’s exhausted from the events of the morning, so he sends a look to Penelope and she shows Emily and Derek out, but not before giving Emily a kiss and being teased by Derek for it.

“Right, baby,” he says as the apartment quietens and it’s just the three of them left. “I think you could do with a nap, don’t you?”

“Don’t wanna leave you,” Spencer mumbles tiredly, clinging to his t-shirt.

“Well how about I come and sit with you while you sleep, yeah? You go and get tucked in and I’ll be in in a minute, I promise.”

“You better.” It’s not much, but it’s the closest to teasing Spencer’s come in weeks, and he’ll absolutely take it.

He gives Penelope a warm hug and disappears into the bedroom.

“Looks like I can leave you to it,” Penelope says quietly as soon as the door’s closed behind him.

Aaron looks at her seriously, before wrapping her in a rare hug. “Thank you for today. I mean it. I don’t know what we would’ve done this past year without you, Penelope, but we sure as hell wouldn’t be where we are now. I’m always gonna be thankful that Spencer has someone as wonderful as you to call a best friend.”

“Hotch,” she says tearily, “I love you both so much. You don’t have to thank me, but it means a lot that you did.”

He smiles at her. “You should go back to the BAU. Go and find Derek and Emily who are no doubt beating themselves up and tell them they’re being ridiculous.”

She gives him a mock salute as she smiles back. “You got it, boss.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Keep me posted,” she says as she gathers the last of her things and heads to the door. “Let me know how he’s doing tonight and I’ll pop round after work to see him tomorrow, okay?”

“Perfect.”

As soon as she’s gone, he climbs into bed with Spencer and wraps him up in his arms, feeling — for the first time in weeks — a distinct conviction that everything is going to be okay.

Chapter Sixteen

Soooo, we don't hate me anymore? I really enjoyed writing this part of the fic, I'm such a sucker for third act angst and the resolution is always so satisfying to me, so I hope I managed to give you guys the same feeling. Only one more chapter to go, and then we're done wtf, how did that happen? I can't wait for you to all read the happy lil ending I wrote for you! See you next Saturday, for the very last time :( If this chapter has brought anything up for you and you're feeling unsafe please check out this link <3

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @hotchseyebrows @reidology @transhanniballecter @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @marvel-ous-m @oliverbrnch @sbeno22 @aaron-hotchner187 @kuolonsyoja @reidreids @anxious-enby (add yourself to my taglist here!)

[dissident-vedder]

- breaking the girl ( 𝐀. 𝐊. )

ADD YOURSELF TO MY TAGLIST!

the first and last time they kissed.

INSPIRATIONS - breaking the girl by rhcp and @fanficy-prompts​

THIS FIC CONTAINS death (SUICIDE), swearing, sadness/depression.

A/N - layout by @adoresobs​!  

keeping your head down, the rain beat down on the red raincoat you slipped on that morning, the usually sunny l.a. sky now a dark gray, a cool breeze brushing against your crimson cheeks. your school things were most likely getting wet, but at some point, you stopped caring, much like many other things you once cherished, which now seemed bleak in your reddened eyes. everything was covered in a constant cover of gray, your optimistic outlook on life now turning into those of your mother’s. why hadn’t you said yes to going to jessica’s? why were you the one to find your mother face down in a pool of her own blood? why did she have to take her own life in such a horrendous way? why hadn’t you noticed before?

you shoulders hung with the weight of your guilt despite your family and multiple psychiatrists telling you that you had done nothing wrong. they told you your mother was at fault for not telling you, for not getting the help she needed and deserved, for leaving you behind to live with your grandmother. how you hated to look into your grandmother’s eyes since the day it happened. she tried to be strong for you, you could tell, but once you looked at her, she burst into tears. every time she looked at you, she saw her daughter. your mother’s eyes were your own, and each day she saw the life be sucked out of them much like she saw within your mother’s. she was afraid of losing you too, making appointments with a therapist in order for you to talk about your thoughts, your feelings, but each time, you just brought over a drawing. one that was done in simple India Ink, the graphite of a pencil not dark enough to show your true emotions. you refused to talk, afraid that if you opened your mouth, you would talk about everything and would never shut up. 

the more drawings you gave, the more and more the therapist noticed how darker and more obscene they got. 

your world was dead. 

you envied your aunts, uncles, and cousins for still having their mom, hated the way that your school friends would talk about their parents, how they father gave them this and how their mother gave them that. after christmas break, everyone began talking animatedly about what they received for christmas, whether it was money, a new rotary telephone (one girl got a canary yellow one, just like she wanted), or new clothes. one of your classmates turned to you, “what did your parents give you for christmas?” 

how were you going to tell them that your mother committed suicide and your father was an alcoholic who walked out of your life years ago? you just laid your head on your arms, wanting the teacher to begin the lesson so you didn’t have to bear the embarrassment of people bugging you about the presents. yes, you did get presents from your family in order to get your mind of your mom, but it was sort of alright until one of your aunts gave you a perfume bottle, and upon closer inspection, you noticed that it was your mother’s signature scent. 

you had run to your room, tears leaving wet tracks on your cheeks, sobs racking through your body as thoughts of your mom brought back painful pangs in your chest, your heart beating wildly against your ribcage. a copy of maya angelou’s i know why the caged bird sings sat on your night table, driving you insane at the orange cover, the black bird in mid-flight. picking it up, you chucked it at the wall, the bookmark flying out from its designated spot. the caged bird doesn’t sing, you thought. the caged bird dies. 

for years this continued, the book still on the exact spot it had landed when you threw it, collecting dust as your room stayed in pristine condition. if it weren’t for your family coming over to help you, it would be a pigsty by now. somehow, however, you were able to control your emotions a little better, making the days seem a little easier and more bearable to go through, and the thoughts of your mother’s dead body were pushed to the back of your mind.

in your sophomore year of high school, you had met anthony, a charismatic senior with a crooked smile and a trick up his sleeve. on days where you were not able to control your emotions as well, he held you, letting you cry into the crevice where his shoulder and neck meet, his hands cradling your head and rubbing your back. he managed to make you talk after years of being known as the mute, his little jokes and twisted tales able to rise a small out of your once glued lips. something about him made you feel warm inside. people always said that the person you loved the most will make butterflies come alive in your belly, but you realized that wasn’t the truth for you. every time you thought about or spoke to anthony, your heart swelled even more, leaving you with a euphoric feeling as you held on to either him or the sweatshirt he gave you on an unusually cold day. perhaps it was his nonchalant demeanor or his cocky attitude, or even the musky, vanilla smell that was characteristically him, but every part of you fell in love with him and his existence. he was an angel come to life.

it was his graduation day when he first kissed you. once caps were thrown and pictures were taken, he ran up to you, grabbed your cheeks, and planted his lips on yours. his lips were so soft, in contrast to the muscular body he hid beneath the button-up shirt he wore, you melted into his arms, pressing yourself against him, grabbing on to the lapels of his shirt. you had waited for this day for what? three weeks? six months? a year? no matter how long, you felt all your nerves release as he pulled away, staring at you with such love and adoration, it looked like he was staring at a goddess come to life. 

your breaths mingled, brushing softly over the soft skin of your lips, minty as you brought him back in, deprived of something you longed for for a while. this was a seal of your relationship. at some point, you began to wonder if you were just another one of anthony’s playthings, ready to be thrown out the second he got bored of you. 

the sun shone brightly on the two of you, a moment of celebration only you two could see.

it was a december when he broke up with you. it was in the year of what? 1995? '96? you didn’t remember, and didn’t want to remember, as your heart continued to break as those last moments replayed in your head like a broken record. 

you had been there for him through everything. 

when the band was first formed, their first record, their first live national tv performance, hillel’s death, anthony’s sobriety. everything. yet he deemed you no longer important in his life as he broke your heart. somehow, despite your tear-streaked face, he continued to say that he no longer loved you, that he had fallen in love with another.  he had kissed you one last time that day. held you close, hands on your cheeks, warming them even more, and you could feel it. there was no more passion left. it seemed like to him, you were an obligation, a setback in life. no longer did his heart beat for you. how could he have fallen in love with another when you had given him everything you had? your virginity, your heart, your mind, your love. 

he just took it for himself and now. . . you were being thrown to the streets. god, you didn’t go to college, had no job, no money of your own, purely depending on him, and he gladly supported you through the years, giving you an allowance basically. you had to move in with your grandmother again as you took up classes at the local community college in cyber. . . something. again, you stopped caring about the world. what had you done in order for him to fall out of love with you? you were supportive of his decision, supportive of him when he was going through withdrawal symptoms when he stopped taking drugs, there by his side again when he relapsed, warning him of the consequences and reminding him of his hard work years prior. 

laying down on the bed, you took a deep breath as your hand was placed over your heart, imagining the broken pieces still trying to keep you alive. with anthony, the once gray world turned bright again, optimism making every day more bearable until you no longer had to bear it. 

underneath you sat the sheets that anthony once slept under, holding you close to his body as the two of you had your usual late-night talks, talking about the future, about one day marrying each other, having children, grandchildren, and growing old together. now, these sheets held tears and broken promises whispered long ago, long when you were still young and a new optimistic. 

i know why the caged bird sings stares at you from the floor.

the caged bird does not sing. the caged bird dies.

TAGLIST:

@stateofloveandvedder​ @state-of-love-and-lust​ @honeysympathy​ @grossgold​ @sea-sxns​ @d-arknecessities​ @sideways-falling

[studying-with-adult-adhd]

The Canadian Healthcare System and Why It Sucks, but Is Still Better Than The US

So, this tis be my diagnosis story. 

When I first went to go see my family doctor about the feelings I was having, I was asked to sit down and fill out a survey of sorts. It was about how I was feeling. I didn’t talk to a doctor. I didn’t get to explain anything. They took those papers away and then my doctor came in and said “Aliesha, I think you may have mild to severe anxiety and depression.” She prescribed me medications and told me to make an appointment with their therapist. 

So, I tried the medication for a few months, while sitting on the wait list for a half hour appointment with a therapist who clearly didn’t want to listen to me and only wanted to tell me what to do. It took me 3 months to get into this therapist. Not once was I sent for any tests to see if it could have been a physical condition (such as a thyroid issue). 

The medication didn’t work. I tried a new one. I waited 3 months between my appointments with my therapist. This time, the medication made me dissociate, which the doctor had no clue what that was. I only found out after talking to my therapist in my clinic years later. I turned 18, and then I was told that I couldn’t see the therapist anymore because I wasn’t a minor. So I got scheduled to meet a new one. Again, it was the same thing. 

I was finally switched to my last anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication. It didn’t work None of them worked. Not once was it suggested to me that I could have ADHD because I didn’t have typical symptoms. I had been asking to be referred to a psychiatrist, I even found a few that I thought would work. I was at the end of my rope and I just wanted to find help. My doctor never referred me, told me that there was no reason for me to be referred to one. 

Eventually, I switched family doctors. I met with their clinics behavioral consultant lady. She talked to my new doctor and they referred me to the Emerging Adult Treatment Clinic. There was going to be a wait but they had given me resources. This doctor sent me for blood tests and tried to see what could be causing it. I stopped taking the medication I was on because it just didn’t feel like it was doing anything (PSA: DO NOT STOP TAKING YOUR MEDICATION COLD TURKEY. PLEASE TALK TO YOUR DOCTOR AND REDUCE IT GRADUALLY. THOSE FEW MONTHS WERE LITERAL HELL ON EARTH.) 

About 8 months later, I was contacted by this clinic and was told to come in for an assessment appointment. The clinic was calm. It was mean for children and youth up to 24 years old. As I was talking to the intake therapist, he turned to me and told me “Aliesha, I think you’re a great candidate for this clinic and I’m going to go ahead and book you for orientation.” 

I started crying. Bawling. I told him that it felt good to hear that I was finally going to get help. I told him that if they had denied me, I’m not sure what would have happened. 

Orientation was two group sessions of going through what was going to happen and what type of programs were available to us in the clinic. We were going to be doing individual therapy, where our assigned therapists had us for an hour, and would help us. They would also make suggestions for which program, if any, would be helpful. We were told we would also be meeting with a psychiatrist as soon as we could. 

I started my therapy with my psychologist Natalie. She was absolutely amazing and I wish I could thank her again. I told her what was going on and she asked me what i hoped to gain out of therapy. She asked me what I most wanted to work on. We started on basic necessities. Like eating and sleeping properly. She always encouraged me, she validated me. She made me feel valued again. 

I then got to meet with the psychiatrist. Natalie was also there for all my psychiatry appointments to make notes for our sessions, as well as add anything that she felt was important. My psychiatrist right away had said “Aliesha, I’ve noticed a few things while you’ve been sitting here, and do you think you could possibly have ADHD?” I had said, I never thought about it but you’re the doctor and I’m trusting you. He gave me an option for my treatment. He told me he wanted to start me on medication that day, see if it helped a little, and then we’d go from there. I had a choice. He asked me if I was willing to do that. I told him yes. 

I started Vyvanse 10mg the next morning. Holy shit, I felt like I could do my homework without dying. I was focused. I was happy. I felt like I could do things again. He also had me fill out some questionnaires, and asked if my mom would be willing to fill out one about my childhood. Yeah, looking back on it now, ADHD was definitely there when I was younger too. Things make sense. 

I registered to go back to a in-classroom setting to finish my diploma. Natalie was so proud of me, and wow it felt good to hear someone professional say that they were proud of me and that they could see how hard I was trying. 

I started DBT in this clinic too, and I felt it helped at least a little bit. I made amends with someone I used to go to school with that hated me; we had said some awful things to each other in school. 

I made a complete 180 with the help of this clinic. Even now, after this hell of a year, I am happier. I’m healthier. My thoughts are healthier (though, I still have to work on things). 

I walked with away from this clinic with a discharge paper stating my diagnoses, which are as followed: 

ADHD

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

and something that is almost PTSD but didn’t quite fit the mold from the DSM. My psychiatrist wrote it down as “Trauma and Stressor Related Disorder”. 

That’s the story of how I was diagnosed. Let me tell you why the healthcare system is flawed. 

I had to wait 4 years to get help. To get proper help. To be listened to. Unless I wanted to pay a ton of money that I didn’t have. I wasn’t listened to because I was a minor. I was told many times by doctors and “therapists” that if I lost weight, my problems would go away. I was told it was normal. 

IT SHOULD NOT TAKE THAT LONG FOR SOMEONE TO FIND HELP. 

I almost killed myself. If I had been denied from that clinic, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I was at the end of my rope and I was fighting to hold on. Not everyone gets to hang on so long. Not everyone is able to. 

SUICIDE WILL NOT STOP UNTIL WE ADDRESS THE FUNDAMENTAL CONCERNS. 

PROVIDE STUDENTS WITH BETTER ACCESS TO MENTAL HEALTH CARE. LISTEN TO THEM. PROVIDE TEACHERS AND ALL ADMIN STAFF WITH TRAINING TO UNDERSTAND AND IDENTIFY SOMEONE WHO COULD BE STRUGGLING. 

MAKE WAIT TIMES LESS. MAKE APPOINTMENTS LONGER. MAKE SURE THE DOCTORS AND ALL HEALTHCARE PROFESSIONALS ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT HELPING YOU. 

Yes, our Canadian Healthcare System is flawed. However, I didn’t have to pay to see my doctor. I didn’t have to outrageous bills after seeing my psychiatrist. The ONLY thing I paid for, was my prescriptions, which without insurance were $166 a month. 

PROVIDE FREE HEALTHCARE FOR ALL CITIZENS. 

[mildkleptomaniac]

i’m going to ramble for a quick sec

nothing makes me sadder than when my therapist makes a mistake when scheduling my appointment. i’ve been seeing her for a decade now and it just hurts. bestie, i’m not doing well mentally (my meds aren’t working and i need her to give me documentation for a psychiatrist since i’ve moved) and the last thing i need is for me to skip a class for our planned session only to say you booked someone else in that time slot and you had me down for another day. 

bestie got me crying in the middle of the library