i-am-my-own-goal

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Maybe it’s silly, but I love when friends give me functional gifts because it reminds me I’m loved and supported. My friends are super far away, but I’m drinking out of my big water bottle today from my friend Caroline (cause she knows how much water I drink in a day) and later on I’ll probably have tea in my owl mug from my friend Cheri.

I’m really grateful for the friends I have in my life. I’ve been feeling so low lately, but today has started out well.

-I took my meds after eating breakfast (yay I ate breakfast!)

-I woke up on time and made some iced coffee

-I’m relatively caught up on work and having a high motivation day!

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My boss sent out an email to our program that we are behind goal, that some are not opening up enough referrals and aren’t hitting the required monthly contracted number (8). That some of our case loads are too high (including me) and it is preventing us from opening new cases.

Wait.

People on the team are not opening cases when their load gets too high?! Has that been a semi option?! I’m sitting around 50 cases I haven’t been able to close, but am also still opening new cases and usually beyond the required contracted goal.

Anyway, she said we need to start closing cases and for those having trouble with referrals/intakes, that “one case manager alone is holding over 150 plus referrals and is more than happy to share” THATS ME. PLEASE TAKE SOME OF MY REFERRALS.

(Why do people slack? It’s like a group project. Now we ALL have to bust our butts in May to get MOREEE than the contracted intake amount because other people slacked. This is usually when she raises the required amount to like 10-12. 😭 I usually bring in about 10-12, but it’s so much more stressful when it’s required)

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Why does it feel so embarrassing to cry in therapy? I had a mini breakdown cause she was asking me about my fears and feelings with my parents and I mentioned how we found my friends mom in October and I’m terrified that my parents will just randomly die and i won’t have gotten to see them since they said all those awful things to me. Cause like, they really hurt me but I still love them and miss them and don’t want that to be the last conversation we have. But, what if every conversation following is similar? What if they never come around to fully accept me? What does that look like? I struggle so much with that because I can’t imagine my life without them.

[i-am-my-own-goal]

Today’s Mantra: Peace fills me. Peace surrounds me. Peace flows from me into the world. I AM peaceful.

[i-am-my-own-goal]

[i-am-my-own-goal]

Trying to fight the depression instead of succumbing to it is really hard and tiring.

But I don’t want this to go how it usually does. I’ve spent the last few days over drinking and ignoring everything.

Yesterday I tried processing some stuff, started writing the letter-to-not-send to my parents but also got too drunk on wine.

Today I worked more on the letter, but had worship music on and spent time just listening for a while after instead of pouring wine.

I won’t lie when I say this is hard. M has been going to his moms a lot lately and I can’t bring myself to go with him, so I’ve been home alone a fair amount, hence the relapse. I don’t feel strong enough on my own, but I know I need the alone time to process what’s going on.

Anyway, proud of myself today for using my alone time in a productive manner and not drinking ANY alcohol despite really wanting to.

[i-am-my-own-goal]

I guess I will squeeze “processing fiancé wanting to join the army” between “processing if I wanna move forward with grad school” and “write letter to my parents about how we may not have a close relationship anymore” after my daily work crying spell and before my fight to stay sober and checked in with reality.

You know. Just add on the stress.

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My job switch was approved today!!!!!

My boss said it’s 9 schools vs the 40 I have now.

AND I have permanent access to school records while in in county. This means, no thousands of emails to social workers a month and the thousands of replies. I will literally be able to answer most of my own questions right then and there.

What an answer to prayer!

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I need help and I don’t know how to ask for it or how to get it.

I’m Starting to blank out on time. I think it’s stress. I didn’t shower for a whole 7 days last week. Finally did because we had a wedding on Saturday. There are things I need to do in my personal life and I just…don’t. I have no energy left after work or on the weekends.

I DID have a really good weekend this weekend. And I will write about it after work bevsuse like, I know things aren’t horrible.

I’m just so overwhelmed at work, about my dog and her reactivity and dog agression, things with my parents, all the work that has to be completed for starting grad school and I don’t even know that I wana do grad school anymore

I don’t know how to help myself.

🫠Just having a quick panic attack/crying session in the bathroom between responding to emails and my 530pm intake. 🫠

[i-am-my-own-goal]

Went to M’s cousin’s wedding today.

A photo that made me smile is M fixing her train for photos. Idk where her bridesmaids and mom were but new hubby didn’t quite get it right so M went up and helped.

Little things like this make my heart happy I’ve chosen him 💚

[i-am-my-own-goal]

I wish my friends were closer.

My one friend is coming next month to go dress shopping with me.

I think It wouldn’t be as bad if I had friends to see in person.

I feel like I can’t go to M at all bevsuse the things my parents are thinking about me, they’re thinking about him too. And I don’t want him to know the awful things they said about me and about him.

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Fighting so many self destructive urges right now. Thankfully there is not enough alcohol in the house to get wasted.

Talked to M about changing the venue, he is absolutely against it because of losing the venue deposit.

I miss my mom.

This is the first Easter aside from Covid that I won’t be with them. I hate that my mom was so excited to make this one pie because she was happy that It’s M’s favorite thing she makes. Now she doesn’t even want to see him.

I hate that I didn’t get to tell her my exciting news about work. I hate that my dad is acting like eveything is fine when I texted him today.

I hate that they think I need to repent and walk away from M.

I hate how alone I’m feeling. M’s family is accepting, my family thinks I will burn in hell.

My queer friends either have accepting families or didn’t have close relationships with their families to begin with.

I know I am not the only person who has gone through this, but I feel alone in it because I don’t know any of them. I can’t talk to any of them.

My mom said her hair is falling out because she’s so upset about me being queer and marrying M.

I’m not doing okay. I miss my parents, but that hurts even more because I know if they knew back in high school when I came out as bi, that would have been the end of things. So all these years have been built on borrowed time and lies.

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Wordle 298 2/6

⬛⬛⬛🟨⬛

🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

My proudest wordle ever!

[i-am-my-own-goal]

Shouting out into the void about some good news that I can’t tell my mom 😞

A position opened on my work team in a county much closer to where I live! (My team is 4 counties, the other team is 3 maybe. We’re all under the same program). I was going to ask my boss about switching but with so much personal stuff going on, I forgot. She called me this morning asking if I wanted it!!!!

She still has to talk to HR but potentially I would start June 1. The FURTHEST I’d drive is 1 hour. Currently, my closest is 1 and a half hours.

Also, she is in the works with HR about adding a fourth to my current county. So she’s gotta Approach it in a careful way as then she’d need TWO more workers in my county since I’d be moving.

So fingers crossed HR hears her. The other county is SMALLER and CLOSER and has an office. What a dream!

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This song has repeatedly come on when I am sad and crying and doubting myself.

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Feeling lonely.

I knew I talked to my mom a lot, but I didn’t realize how empty it would feel without her. I don’t have many friends in the area, so I talked to her a lot.

And now I don’t.

I FaceTime with one of my friends and text the others but they’re all busy. Kids, work, life.

So in these little moments, where I’m missing my friends or just feeling uneasy in the quiet, I don’t have anyone anymore.

M went to his mom’s house. I didn’t want to go. We did stuff together earlier. I didn’t wanna hold him back from that.

It’s like I’m grieving my parents even though they are still alive.

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I think today is the first day I’m feeling relief from no longer carrying the burden of secrecy.

I’ve been thinking a bit about what I want to say to my parents, probably in a letter.

If it wasn’t M, it would have been someone else. Their anger towards him is not justified. He is not who “made me gay” or “influenced” me. This has been a long time coming.