#tim blackwell

[d-criss-news]

🎵 Darren Criss plays Joel Jivin'!

Glee superstar, singer-songwriter and Emmy-award winning actor Darren Criss joins us live in the studio to play a game of Joel Jivin'!

[gummyartstradingcards]

[mitjalovse]

Are those weird musical players understood as anything else than circus freaks? Tiny Tim, for instance, tried to, for instance, to be seen as a legitimate musician. I mean, his second album contains some fine material, yet who paid attention to his other side then? They wished for the funny falsetto guy. Then again, there's something highly ironic about a couple of choices on this LP. Look, him covering the old rock chestnut that was released during the time rock was seen as a novelty? Yes, I'm sure Tiny Tim sort of understood his own place on the scene more than anyone would be willing to admit. Sadly, many continue to comprehend him as a weirdo, so hear me out – he should've released his second album before the debut. Yes, but would anyone give him a chance to show another side?

[alittlebitofloveliness]

Shepard Angst Fic

Y'all are getting this here before I edit it and post it on ao3 tomorrow because I am desperate for external validation and because I NEED folks to cry over my self imposed Shepard sibling angst.

**************

“Angel!”

Angela Shepard is no stranger to yelling. The name Shepard carries with it the guarantee of a temper hotter than the late Autumn sun and the vocal cords to make sure the whole street knows it. Ma is only ever happy when she’s hacked off, Curly has never once been quiet for longer than three seconds back to back, and she herself wears fury like socy girls wear their hair ribbons. 

So yes, she’s no stranger to yelling– but she ain’t never heard Curly yell like that. He doesn’t sound mad, he sounds scared– and that is infinitely worse. There isn’t a lot that scares Curly Shepard, or any Shepard really. They’ve all seen too much.

“Goddamnit Angel,” Curly roars again, “get out here and bring the first aid kit!”

That spurs her to action and she snatches the small first aid kit out from under the bathroom sink and hightails it to the living room.

Curly is there, wide eyed, Tim propped up against him. For a second Angela doesn’t realize what the problem is. When she does, her brain refuses to let her believe it.

A dark stain is spreading rapidly across the side of Tim’s shirt, even as Curly half drags half carries him over to the couch and deposits him on it as gently as he can. Despite how careful Curly’s being, a pained grunt still forces its way out from between Tim’s clenched teeth.

“Call Manuel,” Curly orders, naming Tim’s second in command, “get him to bring the truck back now and be ready to drive. And get Sylvia down here too.”

Running to the kitchen, she dials Manuel’s home number and hurriedly explains the situation, cold terror making her harsher than usual. She doesn’t bother trying to get ahold of Sylvia- Sylvie knows everything that happens on the east side, she’s probably already on her way.

“What happened?” She demands as soon as she gets back to the living room. Curly’s hands are slippery with blood and he’s got a wad of rapidly reddening gauze pressed tightly against the wound in Tim’s stomach. Her older brother’s face is twisted in pain, his breathing even more laboured than it was a minute ago, tight gasps forcing themselves out from behind clenched teeth.

She’s seen knife wounds before, of course she has. Connor Tyrril from the Brumly gang had died from an infected knife wound last year, and Tim and even Curly had been sliced before, long gashes that eventually faded into rough scars– but never anything like this. The slashes they’d sustained in the past were meant to hurt, but this wound was very specifically meant to kill. 

She doesn’t know what to do. 

“Who did it?” She demands, hands fluttering uselessly. Curly seems to have a handle on what to do, his wide eyes at odds with his steady hands, counting under his breath as he applies pressure, but Angela doesn’t have a clue how to help and isn’t even sure that she can. “What happened?”

“A few of the boys from Tiber street apparently weren’t too fond of Tim’s latest shipment,” Curly explains, pressing a new piece of gauze over the others, already soaked through with blood. 

“Names Carlos.”

“Dustin Blackwell and Ian Forrester. Tried to fight ‘em off but they had about seven buddies backing ‘em.”

“They’re dead.” Angela vows, horrified to feel the way her eyes are stinging. She means it too. If anything happens to Tim those assholes are dead, juvie and jail and records be damned. The steely look buried under the panic in Curly’s eyes tells her he agrees.

Tim groans, despite how hard Angela can tell he’s trying to hold it back, and Curly stiffens, hands jerking slightly and tearing another horrible sound from Tim’s throat.

“Go see if there’s any more gauze somewhere,” he orders, pressing the last of the stuff over Tim’s wound, the fabric reddening as if by magic, “grab some of my t-shirts if you can’t find any.”

Angela runs to do as she’s bid, wishing she could do something, anything else. For all Curly is usually the last person who should be left in charge of anything, let alone any sort of crisis, right now he seems to be about the only person who knows what to do and Angela can’t help but cling to it like a lifeline. She can’t fix Tim, but she can sure as hell help Curly help him and if all she can do is grab t-shirts, you can best believe she’ll grab the whole stack in her drawer and Curly’s too.

She can’t have been gone more than thirty seconds but Tim is noticeably worse when she returns, sweat beading on his forehead, his skin looking closer to grey than its usual light brown. 

“Hold this for me,” Curly nods to the wad of gauze he’s pressing on with both hands, “don’t worry about hurtin’ him, just press as hard as you can. I’m gonna check his pulse.”

Tim lets out an almost inhuman scream the second she touches him, and it’s almost enough to have her jerk away and apologize if that wouldn’t render the whole thing useless. Curly waits until Angela’s hands are pressing hard beside his before he deigns to move one away, deftly pressing two fingers under Tim’s neck with one hand, counting under his breath. It seems like a long time before he stops counting even though the clock says it wasn’t more than a minute, and the tightness in his jaw belies his anxiety. 

Not good then- or getting worse.

“Well?” She snaps, too full of fear to know what to do with it, trying to hide behind a more familiar anger.

“It’s slow,” Curly snaps right back, her twin in soul and temperament and right now a visceral type of fear, “and gettin’ worse. He’s fucking bleeding out, Angel what’d you expect!”

“Shut up! He ain’t gonna bleed out! Shut up!”

Curly glares a second longer before his mask slips just a bit and she sees herself in his blue eyes. For a second they’re three years old again and Tim is in the reformatory and they’re both so hungry and alone and scared it feels like nothing will ever be okay again. Then she blinks, and Curly’s jaw tightens, and they’re back to now, in a no less horrible present.

“Damnit,” Curly snarls, but his voice breaks, “where the fuck is Manuel?”

“Quit arguin’” Tim speaks for the first time since Curly dragged him in and Angela could sob. His voice is the same gruff bark it’s always been, just as steady as it always is despite his laboured breathing, even as his lean form has started to shake uncontrollably under her hands, making it hard to keep the gauze and now one of her own t-shirts pressed against his wound, “and listen’ to me.”

Curly watches him with wide eyes, forever in awe, the way he’s always been, always willing to follow Tim anywhere, even off a cliff. Of course, Angela can't exactly blame him when she’s the exact same way.

“L-listen,” Tim repeats, his black eyes shining with an emotion Angela can’t place, and she is listening because its Tim talking and he always knows what to do. He’s going to tell them what to do and he’s going to be okay. They’ll do what he says and everything will be fine. “Listen.”

He swallows, grimacing as he lets out another strained breath before his sharp eyes focus on them again. 

“You’re good kids,” he says, fierce, so fierce, and Angela blinks because that isn’t right, it isn’t a plan, it isn’t a way to fix this. And it isn’t even true. She and Curly are about as far from good kids as it’s possible to be.

“You’re good kids,” Tim repeats with conviction, like he can hear what she’s thinking, “don’t let nobody tell you otherwise, savvy? I’m damn proud of you. Both of you.”

“Tim-”

“Good kids,” His eyes have taken on an almost glassy quality, “My kids.”

His entire body goes limp. Angela screams.

Manuel chooses that exact moment to burst through the door, Sylvia on his heels, and there's no time, no time for anything anymore except for Curly to grab Tim’s shoulders and Manuel grab his feet, and Angela try to keep pressure on that fucking stab wound all the way to the truck and then to the hospital until a team of nurses rolls Tim away on a gurney. Even then, the only reason they manage it is because Sylvia and Curly both half drag her away.

“Let go, I’m goin’ with him!”

“You can’t.” Sylvia’s voice cuts like a blade. “They ain’t gonna let you in the operation’ room Angel, so quit havin’ a fit and come sit in the waitin’ room.”

“Shepards stick together.” Angela turns to Curly for support but Curly doesn’t seem to be all here right now, staring vacantly into space and trembling like a leaf. “Right Curls?”

“C’mon,'' Sylvia shakes her head when Curly doesn’t answer, “We aren’t doin’ much good for ol’ Timmy in this parking lot, and we won’t do much more in the waitin’ room but at least there’ll be a place to sit.”

Unable to argue, Angela follows Sylvia inside, Curly trailing dreamlike after them, and they sit in the waiting room and do just that: wait. Manuel had left as soon as the doctors got Tim inside so he isn’t there with them, but Angela can’t find it in herself to care. Tim runs a gang, not a family. Manuel knows that as well as any of them.

Angela squeezes her hands into fists to stop the tremble in her fingers. Wonders how Sylvia can still be so unfeeling when her best friend has just been stabbed. Decides she doesn’t care. Watches as Curly slowly returns to himself, pulling out a cigarette and offering her one. They both pretend it’ll stop their hands from shaking. They’re both wrong.

She wants to do something. To start a fight or cause a problem, maybe kick up a fuss in the food court or swear at a nurse, do something to assuage the fear and the anger burning it’s way through her chest, do anything that isn’t just sit here and wait.

You’re good kids, Tim’s words echo in her head every time she’s about to get up and do something, keeping her rooted to the stupid plastic chair, doomed seemingly forever to the horrific purgatory of the waiting room. She isn’t a good kid, but Tim thinks she is, so she can be, at least for now, at least until she knows he’s okay.

“Anyone here for Timothy Shepard?”

Angela’s on her feet immediately, Curly at her side. Sylvia rises more languidly to face the woman at the nurses station, cool as ever.

“I don’t have any news yet,” the nurse says apologetically, seeing Angela and Curly’s tense faces, “I’m sorry. I just need someone to fill out the intake forms. Is he a minor?”

For a second Angela hates the warm faced woman more than she’s ever hated anyone.

“He’s eighteen,” Sylvia strolls forward, reaching a manicured hand towards the woman’s clipboard, “I’ll fill it out.”

The nurse starts to hand the clipboard to her, then freezes. “Um, I’m only supposed to give it to an emergency contact…”

“I’m his wife,” Sylvia lies smoothly, “you ain’t gonna keep me from seein’ my husband. I doubt he’s even got anyone listed considerin’ we only recently got hitched.”

The nurse checks the chart again. 

“What’d you say your name was?”

“Sylvia Shepard. Maiden name Devares.”

“Well it’s true he ain’t got anyone listed…” Angela can see the nurse crumbling, “I don’t suppose you got your marriage licence with you?”

“‘Course I do,” Sylvia reaches into her cleavage and pulls out the forged marriage certificate Curly had made a few months back when Sylvia needed Tim’s help opening a bank account, “there, see?”

The nurse glances at it and finally passes over the clipboard. 

“My apologies Mrs. Shepard.”

Angela winces. Sylvia is many things, but she ain’t a Shepard, and she sure as shit ain’t Tim’s wife. Still, the charade has worked wonders in the past, and it’s working wonders again now.

“Thanks.” Sylvia offers her a perfunctory smile and turns on her heel, strutting back to her seat, Angela and Curly trailing behind.

“What’s takin’ so long?” Curly mutters to her, while Sylvia purses her lips, flipping through the forms, “we’ve been here an hour. How’s he still in surgery?”

Angela doesn’t know, so she doesn’t answer.

They wait.

Sylvia finishes filling the pages with her chicken scratch handwriting and returns them to the nurses desk. An ambulance arrives with some broad sporting a gunshot wound. Nurses bustle, doctors hustle, people come in and out of the waiting room, and still, they are not called.

Curly’s knee bounces more with each passing minute. Sylvia looks so bored Angela could slap her. Something somewhere is beeping and Angela is going to lose her mind.

“Family of Timothy Shepard?”

He hates being called Timothy, is all she can think this time, when a doctor gives them a practiced sympathetic look and tells them Tim's finally out of surgery and they can see him. He says a bunch of other stuff too, but Angela doesn’t understand half of it, and she isn’t really listening anyway because they can see Tim now and everything's gonna be okay.

Then they walk into the hospital room and Angela’s world shatters.

She is used to Tim being many things- tough and smart, the type of responsible someone only becomes when you walk the fine line between being a father and a brother. She is used to his rage, the one thing he inherited from both parents, is used to the cold fury he tries to mask it with, with the almost inhuman level of self control he wields like a knife. She is used to Tim fighting, lying, cheating. To Angela, Tim has always been untouchable, larger than life. Not a hero, no, but not a villain either, instead something amorphous and not entirely human, more powerful than anyone else she knows. Now though, for the first time in years, he looks entirely, brokenly human. 

And small. That isn’t right, Tim isn’t small, has always towered over her and Curly, even now they're going on thirteen and have finally started to properly grow. 

He’s lying on a pillow, his brown skin still has that same bloodless grey tinge as earlier, even though at least two of the tubes plugged into his arm seem to be giving him more, which is good since half the blood in his body is still on the couch in their living room. Even still, what use is the hospital blood if it isn’t making him better? There’s a bag on clear fluid- what do they call that again? An IV?- in a needle beside the blood going into Tim’s arm, and a tube taped under his nose. At first Angela thought there was a sheet pulled up to his chest but when she stumbles forward she realizes with a jolt of horror that those are bandages wrapped so thoroughly and tightly around Tim’s entire chest she can hardly tell where they end and the actual sheets begin.

Somewhere, somehow, the doctor is still talking, Sylvia taking in each word with sharp eyes and looking anywhere but Tim, but Angela can’t hear anything over the roaring in her ears. Curly trembles almost imperceptibly beside her and she knows he feels it too, the horrible wrongness that hangs in the air, making this room one of nightmares.

Angela isn’t stupid. She knows she’s seen and lived through a lot of terrible things, faced horrors that most kids never dream of. Still, this has to be the worst thing that has ever happened to her.

Finally, the doctor leaves and the room is pitched into silence.

Sylvia pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one carefully, admiring the slight glow of the tip for a second before taking a long, slow drag. Only once she exhales, blowing a cloud of smoke that almost seems to fill the tiny room, does she look at Tim.

Something grim and dark settles in Sylvia’s hazel eyes, hardening more and more with each breath she watches the tube force through Tim’s lungs. The look sends a chill through Angela, a horrible itch starting at the back of her mind. Next to Tim, Angela probably knows more about Sylvia than anyone in the world, but right now she hasn’t got the slightest clue what she might be thinking. 

“Curly,” Sylvia says, in the same husky drawl as usual, disarmingly nonchalant, “you got your switch on ya?”

Curly blinks. “‘Course.”

“Give it here.”

Her tone leaves no room for argument and Curly doesn’t try to, pulling the blade from his pocket and placing it in Sylvia’s waiting palm. Manicured nails wrap around it with practiced ease and that horrible itch in the back Angela’s mind suddenly becomes painful.

“What-” the words die on her lips. She can’t bring herself to ask what Sylvia is going to do. She knows what she’s going to do. The dark haired girl has never been one to get angry, but she always, always gets even. An eye for an eye. A humiliation for a humiliation. A stab wound for a stab wound.

A life for a life.

Without another word Sylvia turns on her heel and stalks away, letting the door slam behind her.

Then it’s just Angela and Curly and the boy in the bed that is supposed to be their brother but isn’t. 

There's a horribly ugly fake leather armchair in the corner of the room Angela drags it closer to Tim’s bed and perches on the armrest, Curly half collapsing into the chair itself. 

She’d thought the waiting room was bad but this is worse, sitting beside Tim but being unable to reach him, watching him fighting a fight that for once neither she nor Curly can fight with him, no matter how much she wishes she could.

He’s going to die. 

The thought rises, unbidden, from the part of her mind that is forever young and terrified and hopeless and immediately she knows it to be true. The earth is round, the sky is blue, and her big brother is going to die.

Panic flares in her chest but the more she tries to tamp it down, to banish the thought back to the depths of wherever it came from, the more it demands to be heard.

He’s going to die. Tim is going to die and there is nothing she or Curly or this entire fucking hospital can do about it. Tim is going to die. She and Curly will lose the only real family they’ve ever had and her whole shitty life will get so much worse without anyone to take care of her. Curly will go off the rails, will end up in jail or dead too and then she will truly be entirely, unequivocally, alone.

“Angel?” Curly’s voice is plaintive, small, and she knows he feels it too, “what are we gonna do?”

She knows what he really means, what he’s really asking. She doesn’t have any answers.

Instead she reaches out a trembling hand and Curly grabs hers like a lifeline, squeezing her fingers so tight her bones creak. Angela hangs on just as tightly.

They haven’t done this in years, not since they were seven or so, have barely touched at all in the intervening years, both too used to physical contact meaning pain to ever really be comfortable touching anyone. Now though, the pressure of Curly’s hand in hers feels like the only thing tethering her to the earth. 

They stay like that, hands clasped together in a silent vigil, until Tim wakes up.

It’s neither a slow, nor a pretty process. First a machine starts beeping like crazy and then half a dozen nurses and doctors rush in and kick her and Curly out again into the hallway, but when all is said and done and they’re allowed back in the room, Tim’s black eyes are open and the breathing tube is gone from under his nose. 

Angela Shepard doesn’t believe in miracles, but in that moment it feels like she’s been granted one. Then again, she thinks, as Curly starts mouthing off in an attempt to hide the unshed tears in his eyes, Tim has been the cause of nearly every miracle she’s ever witnessed, and this one is no different.

As Tim starts to yell and Curly’s unmistakable donkey laugh fills the room  Angela can’t help but chide herself for being so stupid. Tim Shepard never lost a fight. Just because this one looked a little different didn’t make it any different.

[saibug1022]

Ranking My MCs on How Likely They Would Be Adopted by Batman

Not a single person has ever asked for this. However, I have seen so much batfam stuff on my dash it's been living rent free

Val Ebony (ILITW) If you told me Val moved to Gotham and was a vigilante for a few years and then moved back right before ILITW I think I would believe you. This man has the whole package: dark hair (his hair is brown underneath all the dye), tragic backstory, shitty parents, even shittier bio dad who's also a villain, homicidal rage, he even died! But overall what got him to the top is just because of how well he fits with the Gotham and the Bats' vibes and aesthetics. Like it just feels right.

Eros Blackwell (Immortal Desires) Batman would have showed up in Crimson Beech to try to recruit Eros only for Eros to explain they do in fact still have a mom *who is on thin ice with me rn). However. They still get REALLY close, especially when they find out Gotham is on a ley line. I'm tempted to say Eros, Cas, and Gabe fuck off to Gotham after ID 2

August Rose (Crimes of Passion) So August's backstory is that they grow up most likely without their mom, and then their dad is mysteriously murdered. August tries to solve it themself but fails and instead becomes a detective to solve other crimes and hopefully find justice for other people. They're gruff, badass, and too damn clever. They were definitely Robin. Hell they could be Batman for all we know and it just wasn't mentioned in CoP

Magnus Bishop (Laws of Attraction/Into the Windverse) While slightly less likely only because he becomes a lawyer instead of some sort of detective or hero. However, he absolutely has the potential. His parents were murdered when he was young, he was tormented at school and betrayed by his friends, he was neglected by his foster mother and separated from his sister, all before he turns 18. He even gets super powers eventually. He has the determination, the ambition, and hell the whole reason he became a lawyer was to defend people from the systems that beat him down his whole life.

Asterin Nightbloom (BOLAS) I mean Asterin is pretty obvious, he's like the quintessential hero. Dead parents (twice), super skilled, heart of gold, etc etc. He's practically born to be a hero and I think he'd be such a good bat. Maybe not a Robin unless it's just for a few years before becoming his own hero

Leon Vance (It Lives Beneath) The main reason Leon is so high up is because he is so fucking capable. That's what the bats are known for among other heros. And of course there's his classic bat backstory. He's a badass, he unearths a CULT, has a cool and unique signature weapon, forms his own team and even has a super hero suit. Best part, he looks good the whole time.

Damian Stone (Murder at Homecoming) There's the obvious stuff like being a genius, a detective, unsolved mystery haunting the narrative, solving a murder, looking good doing it, socially awkward, etc etc, but I also have to add that I literally named them after Damian Wayne. In fact their name was originally gonna be Tim after Time Drake but Damian sounded better. However, they do suffer in the rankings seeing as they have both of their parents, both of which are also very good parents.

Callum Wayland (Hero) Listen, Callum would be a great DC hero but in terms of Batman relations I don't think he'd be adopted. Unfortunately for him the Super Family parallels are just too hard to ignore. However I could see him being a Bat's emotional support Super so they'd see each other a lot and I think Bruce would be begrudgingly fond of him when he finds out Callum punched a corrupt rich guy into the stratosphere.

Castor Athantis (It Lives Within) Castor has all the makings of a PHENOMENAL DC superhero but again I just don't see them as a bat. They have too much of a mystical connection. They're more likely to run ith someone like Constantine. I'm sure they'd be associated, I could definitely see Castor joining Justice League Dark, but that's it

Emrys (The Cursed Heart) Emrys will fight for people but it's not something they're really going to pursue. They have the backstory for it, don't get me wrong, but going out and punching bad guys just isn't really their thing. In a modern au they might be some sort of friend of Bruce's and a Batman ally but they wouldn't be a hero.

Julian Athantis (It Lives Within) Julian is just as good a candidate as Castor, down to mystical powers. But Julian would only be a hero to help Castor, if he was one at all. He just wouldn't have his heart in it. He'd show up, help other heroes, and I could definitely see his and Lincoln's apartment being open to be used as a safe house, but he just doesn't want to be a hero. Not as in he's just not interested, more as in he actively does not want to be a hero.

Taylor McKenzie (Endless Summer) Taylor is in a similar boat as Julian where he doesn't really want to be a hero. He'll show up to big planet-threatening shit but otherwise he just wants to go to college and love his friends and husband. I could see the Justice League, Batman especially, keeping tabs on him so they'd know each other but that's about it. More likely Taylor would just go create problems for Dr. Fate when he's bored and then go back to minding his business.

Apollo Solaris (The Elementalists) Apollo really fits the hero archetype. However. I think if he stepped foot in Gotham city he'd explode. Or maybe Gotham would. They just clash so severely that even if he did meet Batman for whatever reason they'd hate each other.

Mattheo Lazarin (Bloodbound) Listen. Mattheo has enough on his plate being the Bloodkeeper and dealing with vampire shit. He doesn't have time to care or be a hero.

[dailyanarchistposts]

Footnotes, 151-200

[151] Jean Hardisty, Mobilizing Resentment (Boston: Beacon Press, 1999), 107–108; Rob Boston, “If Best-Selling End-Times Author Tim LaHaye Has His Way, Church-State Separation Will Be…Left Behind,” Church & State Magazine, February 2002.

[152] Mariah Blake, “Stations Of The Cross: How evangelical Christians are creating an alternative universe of faith-based news,” Columbia Journalism Review, May/June 2005.

[153] Elias Canetti, Crowds and Power (New York: Farrar, Straus and Giroux, 1973), 22.

[154] Sigmund Freud, Civilization and Its Discontents, edited and translated by James Strachey (New York: W. W. Norton, 1961), 67.

[155] Ibid., 66.

[156] Steve Blow, “Turning Textbooks into the Good Book,” Dallas Morning News, March 5, 2006.

[157] Mary Ann Zehr, “School of Faith,” Education Week, December 7, 2005.

[158] See www.ed.nces.gov.

[159] Laurel Elizabeth Hicks, Old World History and Geography (Pensacola, FL: A Beka, 1991), 247, as cited in Frances Patterson, “Teaching Religious Intolerance,” Rethinking Schools Online, www.rethinkingschools.org.

[160] Hicks, Old World History and Geography, 210, as cited in Patterson, “Teaching Religious Intolerance.”

[161] Hicks, Old World History and Geography, 213 and 214, as cited in Patterson, “Teaching Religious Intolerance.”

[162] Patterson, “Teaching Religious Intolerance,” 2.

[163] Jerry Combee, History of the World in Christian Perspective (Pensacola, FL: A Beka, 1997), 86.

[164] Patterson, “Teaching Religious Intolerance,” 2.

[165] Hicks, Old World History and Geography, 47, as cited in Patterson, “Teaching Religious Intolerance.”

[166] Combee, History of the World, 279.

[167] Hicks, Old World History and Geography, 212, as cited in Patterson, “Teaching Religious Intolerance.”

[168] Heritage Studies for Christian Schools 6 (Greenville, SC: Bob Jones University Press, 1998), 41.

[169] Kurt S. Grussendorf, Michael R. Lowman, and Brian S. Asbaugh, America, Land I Love—Teacher Edition (Pensacola, FL: A Beka, 1994), 636.

[170] Ibid., 631.

[171] Ibid., 630.

[172] Ibid., 593. Italics added.

[173] Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins, Glorious Appearing: The End of Days (Wheaton, IL: Tyndale House, 2004), 10.

[174] Ibid., 12.

[175] “UnCommonSense,” J. Kenneth Blackwell, Ohio Secretary of State, www_sos.state_oh.us.

[176] Ibid.

[177] Ibid.

[178] Ibid.

[179] Andrew Welsh-Huggins, “Ohio Televangelist Takes to Politics,” FortWayne.com, December 3, 2005, www.fortwayne.com.

[180] Sarah Posner, “With God on His Side,” American Prospect, November 2005.

[181] Jim Bebbington, “An Empire of Souls,” Columbus Monthly, May 1993, 35, quoted in G. Richard Fisher, “Rod Parsley: The Raging Prophet,” Personal Freedom Outreach, 1999.

[182] Posner, “With God on His Side.”

[183] Walter Lippmann, Liberty and the News (New York: Harcourt, Brace and Howe, 1920), 64.

[184] William Lobdell, “The Prosperity Gospel; Pastor’s Empire Built on Acts of Faith and Cash,” Los Angeles Times, September 19, 2004, B1.

[185] Ibid.

[186] Andre Gumbel, “Scandal, Sex and Sanctimony,” New Zealand Herald, September 18, 2004, B16.

[187] Paul Crouch Sr., Praise the Lord, November 7, 1997, quoted in “Paul Crouch and TBN,” On Doctrine, www.ondoctrine.com.

[188] Lobdell, “Prosperity Gospel.”

[189] Gumbel, “Scandal, Sex and Sanctimony.”

[190] Benny Hinn, Praise the Lord, October 19, 1999, quoted in “Paul Crouch and TBN.”

[191] Benny Hinn, Larry King Live, quoted in “Benny Hinn—Truth or Consequences, Part 3,” Let Us Reason Ministries Apologetics Index, www.apologeticsindex.org.

[192] Gumbel, “Scandal, Sex and Sanctimony.”

[193] Paul Crouch Sr., Praise-a-Thon, April 2, 1991, quoted in “Paul Crouch and TBN.”

[194] Gumbel, “Scandal, Sex and Sanctimony.”

[195] William Lobdell, “Ex-Worker Accusing TBN Pastor Says He Had Sex to Keep His Job,” Los Angeles Times, September 22, 2004, B1.

[196] Lobdell, “Prosperity Gospel.”

[197] Ibid.

[198] Mark A. Beliles and Stephen K. McDowell, America’s Providential History, 19

[199] Ibid., 3.

[200] Ibid., 214.

[betterthanapokeintheeye]

30 gifts for 30 days of November - Day 29

This is the twenty ninth of thirty Better Than a Poke in the Eye recommended gifts for the book lover in your life, even if that book lover is YOU!

Today’s recommendation is: Long Live the Pumpkin Queen by Shea Ernshaw .

Rachel fell in love with Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas and recommended a novelisation of it earlier in this list.  Long Live the Pumpkin Queen is a sequel book continuing the story and Rachel is hoping it appears in her stocking this christmas.

Jack and Sally are truly meant to be... or are they? Newly crowned, Sally is thrown into the role of Queen of Halloween Town. Cast into the spotlight and tasked with royal duties, Sally can't help but wonder if all she's done is swap her captivity under Dr. Finkelstein for a new cage.

When Sally and Zero accidentally uncover a long-hidden doorway to an ancient realm called Dream Town, she unknowingly sets a chain of sinister events in motion, putting herself, and the future of Halloween Town, in jeopardy. Can Sally discover how to be true to herself and save Halloween Town, or will her future turn into her worst nightmare?

Long Live the Pumpkin Queen - Shea Ernshaw R.R.P. £7.99

You can purchase it through our online bookshop or through any of our affiliate links.  

Better Than a Poke in the Eye Bookshop .org

Amazon UK

Foyles

Waterstones

WHSmith

Blackwells

Forbidden Planet

[thanksforthedinosaur]

charli xcx - von dutch

takanashi kiara - do u

猫又おかゆ - ネコカブリーナ

justin timberlake - no angels

ariana grande - supernatural

blu detiger - disappearing (feat. magdalena bay)

empress of - lorelei

machinedrum - zoom

terror jr - 3 strikes (terror's version)

kenya grace - someone else

clear eyes - not awake

ethanuno - amarte como yo

babebee - next2u

oston - wtf u want.

hailey knox - 11th hour

leanys - la verdad

dee holt - make a move

sophie cates - feel it

st. vincent - flea

jackie hayes - happy ending

fletcher - pretending

lyn lapid - cruise control

hkfiftyone - corpse (i still feel but i wish that i didn't)

beyoncé - alliigator tears

gglum - splat!

holly humberstone - down swinging

bel - nos despedimos

hazel english - jesse

phoebe go - leave

spiderblush - big deal

hana vu - hammer

wormy - steve m. grocery - annie dirusso version

rosie tucker - maylene

lightning bug - opus

superfan - 75 germany

the goalie’s anxiety at the penalty kick - wild rose

chastity belt - laugh

lucy rose - over when it's over

waxahatchee - bored

laura elliott - need

prinze george - smackdown

la dispute - fourteen

adrianne lenker - free treasure

abby holliday - immortal

owen - virtue misspent

bad bad hats - my heart your heart

bee blackwell - dumb

somoh - problem child

hannah grae - screw loose

tim kinsella & jenny pulse - apple

thank you, i'm sorry - sneaking off

annabel - defense mechanism

vial - bottle blonde

ride - portland rocks

diiv - soul-net

yung lean - ghosts

flo milli - never lose me (feat. sza & cardi b)

justend - rollercoasting

nyota parker - whatchu say ?

tierra whack - snake eyes

[d-criss-news]

Via Ricki-Lee, Tim & Joel's Instagram Story (September 6th, 2023) Link

[beardedmrbean]

Five former leaders of the Pennsylvania corrections officers’ union have been charged with theft after investigators say they used union funds to pay for personal expenses and hid the transactions.

PennLive reported the criminal charges, made last month in a Harrisburg court, on Thursday. Two former union presidents and three ex-vice presidents are charged.

The transactions — which allegedly totaled more than $23,000 among the five men — were made between 2015 and 2019 and included iTunes purchases, wineries and vineyards, and luxury venues in Las Vegas, the Harrisburg-area newspaper reported.

The five men used union credit cards to make the personal purchases, submitted vague expense reports and attempted to block any questioning from other leaders, police say. The charges came after the Pennsylvania State Corrections Officers Association’s own audit of questionable credit card purchases.

Charged are former union President Jason Bloom for unlawful transactions totaling $8,286.48; former President Roy Pinto for $2,030.50; former Executive Vice President Tim Walsh for $5,834.58; former Western Region Vice President Larry Blackwell for $2,488.02; and former Eastern Region Vice President Robert Storm for $4,422.13.

The Associated Press left messages seeking comment Friday with attorneys representing Bloom, Blackwell and Storm. Walsh’s attorney’s office declined to comment. No attorney for Pinto was listed in the online court docket.

Bloom was suspended without pay from his position at a state prison, and the other four do not work for the government anymore, according to Maria Bivens, a state Department of Corrections spokesperson.

The current union leadership says none of the men are still involved with the union.

[maddyisabstract]

Here's my Dragonmeet 2023 Haul!

You can find links to all the games below:

Coiled Space Training Manual by Aethercorp Games

Onira’s Slumber by Jean Verne

Stealing Your Heart by Joshua Fox

Menagerie of the Void by Eran Aviram

From Hell’s Heart I Stab At Thee by Jonathan Sims

Scribe by Frederic Walker

Apothecaria by Anna Blackwell

Tangled Blessings by Cassi Mothwin

Talking Thunder by Eleanor Hingley and Stardust & Sigil

D12 and Delve by W.H. Arthur

Overisles, and Inspirisles dice by Hatchlings Games

Thousand Year Old Vampire by Tim Hutchings

Giveaway dice and tray by DnDice, courtesy of Penance RPG, plus the adorable octopus

[eddsworld-enchanted-era]

Eddsworld Enchanted Info Masterpost!

-=-Characters-=-

The Main Cast:

Edward “Edd” Harpwing

Relations: Tord’s adopted brother, twin to Ded Harpwing. Nephew to Sharpay Harpwing, adopted son of Pat and Pau Harpwing. Best friends with Matt Hiddengrove and Tom Blackwell.

Info: He’s a silly, fun prankster who’s almost always on a caffeine/sugar rush... or at least, he was, until it happened. Now he’s quiet and reserved, a far cry from his former self. You can usually find him cooped up in his room throwing himself into his work, or mulling over some classified documents that no one’s quite sure how he managed to get a hold of.

He’s been trying to pretend everything’s fine, but he’s so obviously barely holding together.

He cries a lot more often now.

Goals: Trying to find Tord again, or at least confirm that he’s still alive - he’s worried about his brother, after all.

-------------------------------

Thomas “Tom” Blackwell

Relations: Twin to Timothy Blackwell, best friends with Matt Hiddengrove and Edd Harpwing - former friend of Tord Harpwing

Info: Just classic stupid Tom. He's a bit edgy, a little snarky, but extremely loyal. The kind of guy who would absolutely cut a bitch for Edd and Matt.

He's heard tales of a rising army lead by a horned man in red, and he's bitter as hell. He must have missed.

Well, he won't miss the second time around, will he?

Goals: To find Tord - he knows goddamn well that harpoon shot didn’t kill him, and he wants his fucking revenge.

-------------------------------

Matthew “Matt” Hiddengrove

Relations: Best friends with Edd Harpwing, Ded Harpwing, and Tom Blackwell - former friend of Tord Harpwing.

Used to “adventure” with the Harpwings as kids after his mother mysteriously fell ill.

Info: A bit vain and selfish. He acts dumb and naive as a cover for himself, he’s actually extremely intelligent. Do not get on his bad side if you know what’s good for you. he and his zombeh army (recruited from the ASDFLand zombehs) will fuck you up.

Goals: To prove that he's not what everyone thinks.

-------------------------------

-=-The Typo Bros!-=-

Sharpay "Pay" Harpwing

Relations: Brother to Pat Harpwing, uncle of Edd, Tord, and Ded Harpwing. friend to Tim Blackwell and Pau Harpwing.

Info: Depressed, slutty, alcoholic, feeling lost and alone and as though he's been left behind by everyone he's ever cared for - what isn't wrong in Sharpay's life? That's the question he asks himself every day, but never seems to find a good answer.

Some days he wonders why he's still hanging on.

Goals: To find something worthwhile for himself.

-------------------------------

Timothy "Tim" Blackwell

Relations: Friend to Pay, Edd and Ded Harpwing. twin to Tom Blackwell, acquaintances with Pat and Pau Harpwing, and formerly Tord Harpwing.

Info: Pretty, happy, smart, and a successful guitarist - what isn't right in Tim's life? He's almost the exact opposite of Sharpay, so it's anyone's guess as to how the two became friends.

The two date on and off, though when they're on, they'd never dare admit it.

They're terrible for each other romantically, but you know what they say - opposites attract.

Goals: To be world famous for his music, and to help Sharpay out.

-------------------------------

Ded "GMan" Harpwing

Relations: Friend of Tim Blackwell, twin to Edd Harpwing, adopted brother of Tord Harpwing. Nephew to Sharpay Harpwing.

Info: Lazy and easygoing, Ded just wants to vibe with his geckos, man. He doesn't wanna deal with this shit.

He doesn't even know what a Red Army is - though, the rumored descriptions of the top members seem somewhat familiar.

His close friends call him G Man, like the Half-Life character - though in his case, the G stands for Geckos.

His favourite drink is, surprisingly, Dr. Pepper.

Goals: To become a herpetologist specialising in geckos, salamanders, and other kinds of lizards.

-------------------------------

-?-The Rumored Warriors-?-

Patryck "Pat" Harpwing

Relations: Husband to Pau Harpwing, adoptive father to Edd, Ded, and Tord Harpwing. Brother of Pay Harpwing. Acquaintances with Tim Blackwell. Vaguely aware of Tom's existence.

Info: "...Isn't that above your clearance level?"

Goals: To serve the Red Army, and to keep his husband safe.

-------------------------------

Pau "Daddy Eyebrows" Harpwing (maiden name Arakajime)

Relations: Husband to Pat Harpwing, adoptive father to Edd, Ded, and Tord Harpwing. Friend of Pay Harpwing, acquaintances with Tim and Tom Blackwell.

Info: "All you need to know is that he's a damn good shot with that rifle."

Goals: To serve the Red Army, and to keep his husband safe.

-------------------------------

The Red Leader, otherwise known as

Tord Harpwing.

Relations: Adopted brother to Edward and Ded Harpwing. Enemy to Thomas Blackwell. No longer cares for Matthew Hiddengrove.

He's trying to disconnect from his past.

Info: "Du kan ikke vet det. Ikke ennå."

Goals: Total control.

-------------------------------

~/\~Summary!~/\~

A fan-era that picks up where The End Part 2, the final episode of Eddsworld Legacy, had left off, adding some newcomers and a whole entire world of secrets and surprises and little background details.

Edd, Matt, and Tom are dealing with their own feelings and the aftermath of what they call 'the incident'.

Sharpay is finally learning to live life, Tim's career is picking up, and Ded's chilling with his pet geckos and drinking waaaay too much soda for his own good.

But what happens when Tord and his army rise like a phoenix from the ashes? (er, the molten metal and shattered glass.)

Find out soon!

-------------------------------

Extra notes: no, this will not focus on the neighbours. at least, not as part of the main cast, or even as secondary characters - there's an in-universe reason for this (Eduardo and Mark are in a bit of a depressive funk after Jon's untimely demise, and don't leave the house much. It's a rare sight, they'll mostly be in the background) and an out-of-universe reason (I suck balls at writing the neighbours LMAO... and also I don't really like them. Plus there's already too much fan-content revolving around them anyhow.)

There's a discord, join it here!

[mostlysignssomeportents]

To save the news, shatter ad-tech

I’m coming to the HowTheLightGetsIn festival in HAY-ON-WYE with my novel Red Team Blues:

Sun (May 28), 1130h: The AI Enigma

Mon (May 29), 12h: Danger and Desire at the Frontier

I’m at OXFORD’s Blackwell’s on May 29 at 7:30PM with Tim Harford.

Then it’s Nottingham, Manchester, London, Edinburgh, and Berlin!

Big Tech steals from news, but what it steals isn’t content. Talking about the news isn’t theft, and neither is linking to it, or excerpting it. But stealing money? That’s definitely theft.

Big Tech steals money from the news media. 51% of every ad-dollar is claimed by a tech intermediary, a middleman that squats on a chokepoint between advertisers and publishers. Two companies — Google and Meta — dominate this sector, and both of these companies are “full-stack” — which is cutesy techspeak for “vertical monopoly.”

Here’s what that means: when an advertiser wants to place an ad, it contracts with the “demand-side platform” (DSP) to seek out a chance to put an ad in front of a user based on nonconsensually gathered surveillance data about a potential customer.

The DSP contacts an ad-exchange — a marketplace where advertisers bid against each other to cram their ads into the eyeballs of a user based on surveillance data matches.

The ad-exchange receives a constant stream of chances to place ads. This stream is generated by the “supply-side platform” (SSP), a service that represents publishers who want to sell ads.

Meta/Facebook and Google both the “full stack” of ads: they represent buyers and sellers, and they operate the marketplace. When the sale closes, Googbook collects a commission from the advertiser, another from the publisher, and a fee for running the market. And of course, Google and Facebook are both publishers and advertisers.

This is like a stock exchange where one company operates the exchange, while serving as broker and underwriter for every stock bought or sold, while owning huge amounts of stock in many of the listed companies as well as owning the largest companies on the exchange outright.

It’s like a realtor representing the buyer and the seller, while buying and selling millions of homes for its own purposes, bidding against its buyers and also undercutting its sellers, in an opaque auction that only it can see.

It’s a single lawyer representing both parties in a divorce, while serving as judge in divorce court, while trying to match one of the divorcing parties on Tinder.

It’s incredibly dirty. These companies gobble up the majority of every ad dollar in commissions and other junk fees, and they say it’s because they’re just really danged good at buying and selling ads. Forgive me if I sound cynical, but I think it’s a lot more likely that they’re good at cheating.

We could try to make them stop cheating with a bunch of rules about how a company with this kind of gross conflict of interest should conduct itself. But enforcing those rules would be hard — merely detecting cheating would be hard. A simpler — and more effective — approach is to simply remove the conflict of interest.

Writing on EFF’s Deeplinks blog this week, I explain how the AMERICA Act — introduced by Senator Mike Lee, with bipartisan cosponsors from Elizabeth Warren to Ted Cruz (!) — can do just that:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2023/05/save-news-we-must-shatter-ad-tech

The AMERICA Act would require the largest ad-tech companies to sell off two of their three ad-tech divisions — they could be a buyer’s agent, a seller’s agent or a marketplace — but not all three (not even two!). This is in keeping with a well-established principle in antitrust law: “structural separation,” the idea that a company can be a platform owner, or a platform user, but not both.

In the heyday of structural separation, railroad companies were banned from running freight companies that competed with the firms that shipped freight on their rails. Likewise, banks were banned from owning companies that competed with the businesses they loaned money to. Basically, the rule said, “If you want to be the ref in this game, you can’t own one of the teams”:

https://www.eff.org/es/deeplinks/2021/02/what-att-breakup-teaches-us-about-big-tech-breakup

Structural separation acknowledges that some conflicts of interest are so consequential and so hard to police that they shouldn’t exist at all. A judge won’t hear a case if they know one of the litigants — and certainly not if they have a financial stake in the outcome of the case.

The ad-tech duopoly controls a massive slice of the ad market, and holds in its hands the destiny of much of the news and other media we enjoy and rely on. Under the AMERICA Act’s structural separation rule, the obvious, glaring conflicts of interest that dominate big ad-tech companies would be abolished.

The AMERICA Act also regulates smaller ad-tech platforms. Companies with $5–20b in turnover would have a duty to “act in the best interests of their customers, including by making the best execution for bids on ads,” and maintain transparent systems that are designed to facilitate third-party auditing. If a single company operated brokerages serving both buyers and sellers, it would need to create firewalls between both sides of the business, and would face stiff penalties for failures to uphold their customers’ interests.

EFF’s endorsement of the AMERICA Act is the first of four proposals we’re laying out in a series on saving news media from Big Tech. We introduced those proposals last week in a big “curtain raiser” post:

https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2023/04/saving-news-big-tech

Next week, we’ll publish our proposal for using privacy law to kill surveillance ads, replacing them with “context ads” that let publishers — not ad-tech — control the market.

Catch me on tour with Red Team Blues in Hay-on-Wye, Oxford, Manchester, Nottingham, London, and Berlin!

If you’d like an essay-formatted version of this post to read or share, here’s a link to it on pluralistic.net, my surveillance-free, ad-free, tracker-free blog:

https://pluralistic.net/2023/05/25/structural-separation/#america-act

EFF's banner for the save news series; the word 'NEWS' appears in pixelated, gothic script in the style of a newspaper masthead. Beneath it in four entwined circles are logos for breaking up ad-tech, ending surveillance ads, opening app stores, and end-to-end delivery. All the icons except for 'break-up ad-tech' are greyed out.

Image: EFF https://www.eff.org/deeplinks/2023/05/save-news-we-must-shatter-ad-tech

CC BY 3.0 https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/3.0/deed.en

[pcwpolwrestling]

11/16-PCW Extreme Election Night 2024-Part Two

Last Week on PCW Extreme Political TV -PCW Owner Dawn McGill comes out and tells everyone to get ready for a hell of a ride tonight. -REPLAY: Donald Trump (American Patriots) defeated Joe Biden (Progressive Alliance) in a match that took place back in June -FEMA Commercial -SENATE MATCH: The American Patriots defeated The Progressive Alliance -Celebrities for Kamala Harris 2024 -REPLAY: Donald Trump (American Patriots) vs. Kamala Harris (Progressive Alliance)-in a match that took place in September. -Donald Trump video by Nicole Shanahan -REPLAY: J.D. Vance (American Patriots) defeated Tim Walz (Progressive Alliance) in a match that took place in October -Extreme Election Night 2024- Part Two preview -Backstage interviews with both Kamala Harris and Donald Trump -MAIN EVENT-PCW CEO MATCH: Donald Trump (American Patriots) defeated Kamala Harris (Progressive Alliance) -New York Governor Kathy Hochul gets attacked by Peanut the Squirrel and Fred the Raccoon. -Jennifer Rubin of the Washington Post gets into a confrontation with Dawn McGill. -Keith Olbermann gets run over by Ron Paul’s New Libertarian Army.

Political Championship Wrestling Extreme Political TV Taped at the DC Armory on Tuesday November 5th New York City, NY Saturday November 16th, 2024

Announcers: ‘The Voice of PCW’ Johnny Suave AGE: 50 / HT: 5’ 11” WT: 195 HOME: Philadelphia, PA HAIR: Brown / STYLE: Like Ronnie Dunn / FACE: Goatee DRESS: Brown suit without tie

Colleen Crowder ‘Low-Level New York Times Reporter Trying to Make a Name for Herself’ AGE: 38 / HT: 5’ 5” WT: 142 HOME: New York City, NY HAIR: Black / STYLE: Curly / FACE: Narrow face with rounded jaw, turned-up nose, faint freckles, and thin lips. Bulging blue eyes, thin eyebrows. DRESS: Black pants suit

PCW Champion: Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland) Since 2/10/2024 Contenders: ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels (Progressive Alliance) Kirk Walstreit (American Patriots) Mike the Mechanic (Main Street USA)

PCW Women’s Champion: Catherine Cline (Independent) Since 9/21/2024 Contenders: Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance) Laura Brobert (American Patriots) ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (Main Street USA)

PCW Tag Team Champions: Starz N. Stripes and ‘The One-Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (American Patriots) Since 3/3/2024 Contenders: The Deplorables: Ray McAvay/’Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan (American Heartland Coalition) The Green World Order: GreenPete/’Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee (Progressive Alliance) The Sports Entertainment Corporation: Gator Bates/The Alabama Kid (SEC) Bi-Partisan Dream Team: Blue Dog D/RINO Main Street USA: Ken Worth-American Trucker/Farmer John Deer

Opening: “Main street U.S.A boarded up and dry Knowing what once was here just makes me want to cry Used to be the favorite place Now what remains are memories even time cannot erase

Old man Johnson’s store, where we grew up too fast All that remains today are echoes from the past Used to be a booming town Now all that’s left is either broken up or broken down…”

The Amy Grant song fades into the loud chant coming from the crowd inside the DC Armory…

PCW!… PCW!… PCW!… PCW!… PCW!… PCW!…

Johnny Suave, resplendent in his tailored suit, leans into the microphone, his voice cutting through the chaos like a knife. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to Extreme Election Night 2024… night two!” His eyes gleam with barely contained excitement.

Johnny Suave: I’m Johnny Suave, and joining me tonight is the incomparable Colleen Crowder.

Colleen nods, her green eyes sharp behind her glasses, but there’s a hint of unease in her posture. Johnny doesn’t seem to notice as he barrels on.

Johnny Suave: Tonight’s main event… PCW Champion Charlie Blackwell of the American Heartland Coalition puts his title on the line against ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels from the Progressive Alliance!

The crowd roars its approval, and Johnny’s grin widens. He’s in his element, feeling the pulse of the audience. This is what he lives for.

Johnny Suave: But that’s not all, folks! The PCW Tag Team Titles are up for grabs as ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism and Starz N. Stripes defend against The Green World Order!

Colleen leans in, her voice steady despite her inner turmoil.

Colleen Crowder: And in a match that’s sure to set the political world ablaze, Catherine Cline defends the PCW Women’s title against the ‘Ultimate Political Operative’ Kathryn Randall Collins.

Johnny nods approvingly.

Johnny Suave: Don’t forget our extreme political cage match between the American Patriots and the Progressive Alliance!

He pauses, his expression sobering slightly as he turns to his co-host.

Johnny Suave: Colleen, I’ve got to ask… last week’s shocking turn of events, with Donald Trump defeating Kamala Harris to become the new CEO of PCW… what are your thoughts?

Colleen’s eyes widen slightly, her professional demeanor slipping for just a moment. She takes a deep breath, struggling to find the right words.

Colleen Crowder: Well, Johnny, it’s certainly been… unexpected. The political landscape of PCW has shifted dramatically, and I think we’re all still processing the implications.

Johnny nods sympathetically, but there’s a glint in his eye. He knows controversy breeds ratings.

Johnny Suave: Indeed, Colleen. It’s been a week of surprises, and I have a feeling tonight’s going to bring even more!

***

Wellness Checks on the Hollywood Elite Johnny Suave leans forward, a mischievous glint in his eye.

Johnny Suave: Speaking of surprises, folks, remember all those Hollywood big shots who swore they’d flee the country if Trump won? Well, let’s check in on that mass exodus, shall we?

The screen behind him flickers to life, showing Woodward Bernstein standing in an eerily quiet airport.

Johnny Suave: Woodward, what’s the scene there?

Johnny barely contains his smirk.

Woodward, looking slightly bewildered, responds.

Woodward Bernstein: Johnny, it’s… well, it’s dead here. I’ve been camped out for hours, and I haven’t seen a single celebrity lugging their Louis Vuitton to the private jet terminal. It’s like they’ve all… vanished.

Johnny chuckles.

Johnny Suave: Vanished, huh? Or maybe they’re just hiding under their silk sheets? But wait, there’s more!

He snaps his fingers, and the screen changes to show a windswept Mindy Taylor standing on the iconic White Cliffs of Dover.

Johnny Suave: Mindy, any sign of Bono taking that drive he promised?

Mindy, hair whipping wildly in the wind, shouts over the gale.

Mindy Taylor: Not a peep, Johnny! No sign of any leather-clad Irish rockers plummeting to their doom. Though I did see a rather confused-looking sheep earlier…

Johnny’s grin widens.

Johnny Suave: Well, folks, it seems our celebrity friends are all talk and no action. And speaking of action, wasn’t Rob Reiner supposed to be going up in flames by now?

The screen switches to a panoramic view of Hollywood Boulevard. It’s business as usual – tourists, street performers, but notably devoid of any human bonfires.

Johnny shakes his head in mock disappointment.

Johnny Suave: Tsk, tsk. It appears Mr. Reiner’s fiery passion has… fizzled out.

Johnny Suave: But enough about no-shows,” Johnny continues, his tone shifting. “Let’s check in on some real drama. How are our friends at The View holding up after Trump’s win?

The screen behind him switches to a live feed from The View’s set. What greets the audience is pure chaos. Ana Navarro has Sunny Hostin in a headlock, while Sara Haines is trying to separate them. Alyssa Farah Griffin is cowering under the desk, occasionally peeking out only to duck back down. Meanwhile, Whoopi Goldberg and Joy Behar sit calmly at opposite ends of the table, sipping coffee and watching the mayhem with exhausted expressions.

Johnny’s eyebrows shoot up.

Johnny Suave: Well, folks, it seems there’s a bit of… shall we say, ‘spirited discussion’ happening over at The View. Who knew daytime TV could be so… extreme?

Colleen Crowder: All right.  Let’s get on with it.

Johnny Suave: Stick around, folks – Extreme Election Night 2024, part two, is just getting started!

***

Pulp Fiction Videos: Kathryn Randall Collins and Catherine Cline The screen flickers to life, revealing a dimly lit back room. ‘The Ultimate Political Operative’ Kathryn Randall Collins leans into the camera, her piercing eyes gleaming with determination.

Kathryn Randall Collins: Catherine Cline, you may have the adoration of those little girls, but at Extreme Election Night, I’ll show them what real power looks like.

Kathryn’s lips curl into a smirk as she continues.

KRC: I’ve analyzed your every move, dissected your strategies. Your so-called championship reign is nothing but a carefully constructed facade.

She leans closer, her voice dropping to a menacing whisper.

KRC: I am the ultimate political operative, and I will dismantle you piece by piece. Your title, your legacy, your influence – it all ends at Extreme Election Night.

The scene abruptly shifts to a brightly lit gymnasium.

Catherine Cline… The Iowa Wunderkind… stands surrounded by cheering young girls, her PCW Women’s Championship belt gleaming on her shoulder. Catherine addresses the camera with a steely gaze.

Catherine Cline: Kathryn, you talk about power, but you’ve forgotten what real strength is.

She high-fives a beaming young fan, her voice rising with passion.

Catherine Cline: It’s not about manipulation or backroom deals. It’s about inspiring the next generation, showing them they can achieve anything.

Catherine’s eyes narrow as she delivers her final words.

Catherine Cline: At Extreme Election Night, I’ll remind you and everyone else why I’m the champion. You may be the ultimate political operative, but I’m the ultimate role model – and that’s a title you’ll never take from me.

The screen fades to black

Meanwhile, back in the broadcast booth, Johnny Suave’s voice drips with sarcasm as there’s breaking news.

***

Breaking News Johnny Suave: Breaking news, folks. Don Lemon, formerly of CNN, has announced he’s leaving ‘X’. I’m sure we’re all devastated.

Suave rolls his eyes.

Johnny Suave: Another day, another drama queen making empty threats.

The screen behind him flickers to life, showing Jimmy Kimmel sobbing into his hands the night after Donald Trump defeated Kamala Harris.

Johnny Suave: And here’s Jimmy Kimmel, crying again. What else is new?

Suave deadpans, his face a mask of indifference as Kimmel’s wails echo through the arena.

Johnny Suave: Let’s go to the ring.

***

MATCH #1-PCW WOMEN’S TITLE: Catherine Cline (IND) © vs. ‘The Ultimate Political Operative’ Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance) The arena erupts as Kimber Marshall’s voice booms through the speakers.

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our first match! It will be one fall for the PCW Women’s Title! Introducing first, the challenger…

A pulsing beat drops, and Kathryn Randall Collins emerges from behind the curtain, her imposing figure silhouetted against flashing blue lights.

Kimber Marshall: She is the ‘Ultimate Political Operative!  KATHRYN RANDALL COLLINS!

She raises her fists triumphantly, drinking in the thunderous cheers from the blue-clad section of the crowd.

As KRC stalks down the ramp, Johnny Suave’s voice cuts through the din.

Johnny Suave: Well, Colleen, here comes your girl. Think she’s got what it takes to dethrone the champ?

Colleen scoffs.

Colleen Crowder: Please, Johnny. KRC’s got more political savvy in her pinky than Cline has in her entire corn-fed body.

KRC slides into the ring, her eyes locked on the entrance ramp. The music cuts, and a hush falls over the arena.

Kimber Marshall: And her opponent…

Suddenly, a guitar riff explodes through the speakers, and the crowd erupts as Catherine Cline bursts onto the stage, title belt held high.

Kimber Marshall: She is the reigning PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION… CATHERINE CLINE!

Cline beams at the sea of adoring faces, her youthful energy radiating through the arena.

Johnny Suave: Now that’s a champion!

Colleen scoffs as Cline high-fives fans as she makes her way to the ring, pausing to snap selfies with young girls wearing “Wunderkind” t-shirts. She slides under the bottom rope, locking eyes with KRC.

Colleen Crowder: Look at that disrespect.  Cline should know better than to keep a seasoned operative waiting.

MATCH INFO: On September 21st, Catherine Cline defeated Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance), ‘American Girl’ Sarah Mae Smith (Main Street USA), and ‘Alaskan Rogue’ Sierra Whalen (American Patriots) to become the PCW Women’s Champion.  KRC complained that Cline disrespected her because she didn’t defer to her ‘senority’ and should have ‘waited her turn’ before winning the title.

Cline is ‘The Wunderkind from Iowa’ who’s taken PCW by storm.  A huge fan favorite.

KEY MOMENT/MATCH FINISH: KRC lunges forward, but Cline ducks under her arm, using her speed to evade the larger woman.

Johnny Suave: Cline’s been playing it smart. She uses that Iowa quickness to stay out of KRC’s grasp.

Minutes tick by as the two trade holds and counters. Suddenly, KRC catches Cline with a vicious clothesline, sending the champion crashing to the mat.

Colleen Crowder: That’s it, KRC! Show her what real political power looks like!

KRC pounces, wrapping her legs around Cline’s head and locking in the gogoplata. Cline’s eyes widen in panic as she struggles to breathe.

KRC screams at the referee, tightening her hold.

Kathryn Randall Collins: Ask her!

Cline’s face contorts in agony, but she shakes her head defiantly. With a burst of strength, she begins inching towards the ropes.

Johnny Suave: Catherine Cline’s in big trouble.  Can she get to the ropes?

Cline’s fingers stretch out, barely grazing the bottom rope. The referee calls for a break.

Johnny Suave: She does!

Colleen Crowder: I don’t think so. I didn’t see her touch the rope.

The referee starts the count, but KRC refuses to break the hold.

Johnny Suave: Obviously, the referee does.  If KRC doesn’t break the hold, she should be disqualified.

Colleen Crowder: That’s not the narrative we’re pursuing, Johnny.  Cline didn’t get the ropes and Collins is going to choke her-

Suddenly, a blur of red, white, and blue streaks down the ramp.

Johnny Suave: WAIT A MINUTE!  THAT’S ‘AMERICAN GIRL’ SARAH MAE SMITH!

Sarah Mae Smith slides into the ring, forcibly prying KRC off the gasping champion.

Colleen shrieks.

Colleen Crowder: What the hell? “That’s blatant interference!”

KRC whirls on Smith, fury etched on her face. In that moment of distraction, Cline springs to her feet. She grabs KRC’s shoulder, spinning her around.

Johnny Suave: CLINE CUTTER!

The champion drives KRC’s face into the mat.

Colleen Crowder: NOOOOOOO!

Cline hooks the leg, and the referee’s hand slaps the mat. “One! Two! Three!”

Johnny Suave: SHE DID IT!

Kimber Marshall: Your winner and STILL PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION… CATHERINE CLINE!

The arena explodes as Cline collapses in relief, clutching her retained title.

Johnny Suave: CATHERINE CLINE DEFEATS KRC AND SHE REMAINS THE PCW WOMEN’S CHAMPION!

KRC rolls out of the ring, seething with rage as she stumbles up the ramp.

Johnny Suave: An incredible victory for the Wunderkind!

Colleen’s voice drips with disdain.

Colleen Crowder: A tainted win, you mean. If it weren’t for that flag-waving interloper…

Johnny Suave: And KRC tried to cheat by not breaking the hold as directed by the referee.

Colleen Crowder: That’s not our narrative.

Johnny Suave: Whatever.

Cline climbs the turnbuckle, raising her title high.

***

‘The View’s’ Whoopi Goldberg Goes to the Concession Stand The camera pans to the concession stand where Whoopi Goldberg stands, tapping her foot impatiently. Her eyes narrow as the harried worker behind the counter fidgets nervously.

Whoopi Goldberg: What do you mean you can’t make my vegan, gluten-free, locally-sourced kale chips?

Whoopi’s voice rose.

Whoopi Goldberg: Is it because I’m a liberal? Because I speak my mind on The View?

The worker, a pimply-faced teen, gulps.

Pimply-Faced Teen: No, ma’am. It’s just… the oven’s broken. We can’t cook anything right now.

Whoopi leans in, her eyes flashing.

Whoopi Goldberg: Oh, I see how it is. Trump wins and suddenly the ovens stop working for people like me. Convenient, isn’t it?

The teen’s eyes widen in panic.

Pimply-Faced Teen: Really, Ms. Goldberg, it’s just a mechanical-

Whoopi Goldberg: Save it.

Whoopi snaps, spinning on her heel. As she storms off, she mutters.

Whoopi Goldberg: First they come for our snacks, then our rights.

***

Pulp Fiction Videos: The Green World Order and Starz N. Stripes/Stone Chism The screen fades to black, then bursts back to life with an explosion of green.

The Green World Order stands before a backdrop of lush forest, their faces set in determination.

‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee steps forward, his lean frame taut with energy.

Brock Cole Lee: Starz N. Stripes, Stone Chism, you claim to be patriots, but what about the planet you’re supposed to protect?

GreenPete chimes in, his muscular arms crossed.

GreenPete: Your so-called American dream is a nightmare for Mother Earth!

PeaceNick raises his hands in a placating gesture.

PeaceNick: We come not to fight, but to educate and enlighten.

Peta, their valet, holds up a sign reading “Save the Earth, Save Yourselves!”

Brock’s voice rises to a crescendo.

Brock Cole Lee: At Extreme Election Night, WE’RE CHANGING EVERYTHING!

Cut to:

The scene shifts again, this time to a star-spangled locker room.

Starz N. Stripes and Stone Chism stand tall, their tag team belts glinting under the lights.

Starz sneers at the camera.

Starz N. Stripes: Change everything? The only thing changing will be the welts on your backs after we’re done with you!

Stone nods grimly.

Stone Chism: You want to save the planet? How about we save it from your misguided eco-terrorism?

They hold their belts high, voices united in a battle cry.

Starz/Stone: At Extreme Election Night, we’ll show you what real American power looks like. And that’s not just a promise – that’s a star-spangled guarantee!

***

Back at The View Back at The View’s set, the rest of the cast stop fighting as Whoopi bursts in, her face a thundercloud.

Sunny Hostin: What is it, Whoopi?  What did Donald Trump do now?

Whoopi Goldberg: Can you believe this? They refused to serve me at concessions! Said the oven was broken, but we know what that really means.

Joy Behar gasps dramatically.

Joy Behar: Those fascists! We should boycott!

***

More Breaking News The giant screen above the ring suddenly flashes to life, revealing Don Lemon’s face, larger than life and looking more serious than ever.

Don Lemon: Attention, PCW Universe,

Lemon’s voice echoes through the arena.

Don Lemon: I just want to remind everyone that I am, in fact, leaving ‘X’. This is not a drill. I repeat: I am leaving ‘X’.

Johnny Suave rolls his eyes so hard they might fall out of his head.

Johnny Suave: Let’s go to the ring.

***

MATCH #2-PCW TAG TEAM TITLE: Starz N. Stripes and ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (American Patriots) © vs. The Green World Order (GreenPete and Brock Cole Lee with Peta from PETA and PeaceNick) The roar of the crowd was deafening as Kimber Marshall stood tall in the center of the ring, basking in the energy and excitement emanating from every seat in the arena.

Johnny Suave: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our next match!

Colleen Crowder rolls her eyes beside him.

Colleen Crowder: Let’s just hope it’s not another scripted disaster like the last match.

As the announcers bantered back and forth, Kimber raises her microphone to address the packed audience.

Kimber Marshall: Our next match will be one fall and it will be for the PCW TAG TEAM TITLE!

The air was charged with electricity as she spoke, the fans on their feet and cheering at full volume.

Kimber Marshall: Introducing the challengers… representing the Progressive Alliance. GreenPete… ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee… they are THE GREEN WORLD ORDER!

But suddenly, chaos erupted on the entrance ramp as the Green World Order burst onto the scene. The eco-warriors marched towards the ring, chanting and waving their banners high above their heads. Peta, their fierce and passionate representative, immediately spotted a fan eating a burger and launched into a tirade.

Peta from PETA: “How dare you consume the flesh of innocent animals!

She points an accusatory finger at the man who simply flips her off and takes an extra-large bite, causing cheers to erupt from nearby fans who were clearly not on board with the GWO’s message.

Meanwhile, PeaceNick, the calming force of the group, chants “Om mani padme hum” as he made his way towards the ring with a serene smile on his face. Behind him, GreenPete and ‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee strut confidently, basking in the adoration from their die-hard supporters in the blue seats.

Johnny Suave: The challengers look ready to take on the world, Colleen!

Colleen Crowder: As they should be. It’s about time we had some real change around here.

Kimber Marshall: And their opponents, they are the PCW Tag Team Champions, representing the American Patriots… Starz N. Stripes and ‘The One Man Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism!

Just then, Starz N. Stripes and Stone Chism emerge from backstage, waving to their supporters in the stands. The arena erupts in cheers for these true American heroes, their stars and stripes gear shining under the bright lights.

Johnny Suave: Now those are what I call true American heroes!

Colleen scoffs beside him.

Colleen Crowder: Please, they’re nothing but overrated muscle-heads.

Johnny Suave: Here we go.

MATCH INFO: The champions won the title March 3rd in a four-way tag match against The GWO, The Deplorables, and the Sports Entertainment Corporation.  However, the GWO defeated Starz and Chism on September 21st and PCW Owner Dawn McGill booked this match for Extreme Election Night 2024.

KEY MOMENT/MATCH FINISH: The audience is on the edge of their seats, fully invested in the intense back-and-forth action.

But suddenly, there is a stir at ringside that steals everyone’s attention.

Johnny Suave: Oh great.

It is Professor McCarthy, wielding his ‘Good Book’ like a weapon, hoisting his ‘good book’ high above his head, its pages rife with dogmatic doctrine and things you should say, think, and believe.  He’s followed by his devoted followers Ultimate Social Justice Warrior, Codee Pink, and Emily S. List ready to cause chaos.

Professor McCarthy: If you are not with us, you are against us.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Professor McCarthy: Shout down the American Patriots and anyone who does not conform to the ‘good book’!

McCarthy’s voice is filled with righteous anger. He begins urging his Flock to attack but then, the crowd roars.

Johnny Suave: IT’S THE DEPLORABLES!

Colleen Crowder: What are they doing here?

The Deplorables race from the back and charge down the ramp into the fray.  ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay and the ‘Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan move like bulldozers, plowing through McCarthy’s followers with ease.

Johnny Suave: They are shutting down the shouting down, Colleen.  That’s what.

In all the chaos, Stone Chism sees his opportunity and seizes it. He lifts GreenPete high into the air before bringing him crashing down with a devastating Hollywood Blockbuster.

Johnny Suave: HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER!

Colleen Crowder: This evening just gets worse and worse.

At the same time, Starz pounces on GreenPete, locking in both the American Stars and Fujiwara Arm Bar submissions. GreenPete writhes in pain as he desperately tapped out.

The bell rings, signaling the end of the match. Suave jumps to his feet in excitement.

Johnny Suave: They’ve done it! The American Patriots have retained their titles once again!

Kimber Marshall: Your winner and still… PCW TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS… STARZ N. STRIPES AND ‘THE ONE MAN HOLLYWOOD A-LIST’ STONE CHISM!

Johnny Suave: With help from the American Heartland Coalition, the American Patriots hold the tag belts.

Meanwhile, Colleen slumps in her chair, muttering under her breath as the victorious team celebrated in the ring.

Colleen Crowder: Typical. Brute force always wins.

***

Yet, More Breaking News Johnny Suave: All right, now-

Before Suave can finish his thought, a harried-looking intern rushes up to the announcer’s table, thrusting a piece of paper into Suave and Colleen’s hands.

Colleen Crowder: What’s this?

Suave skims it and lets out a bark of laughter.

Johnny Suave: Well, folks, in case you missed it the first dozen times…

Colleen adjusts her glasses as she scans the document.

Johnny Suave: It’s a press release from Don Lemon, confirming that he’s leaving ‘X’. Because apparently, the other two announcements weren’t enough.

Colleen’s brow furrows.

Colleen Crowder: Well, Johnny, in today’s fast-paced media landscape, it’s crucial to ensure your message reaches all demographics through multiple channels.

Johnny Suave: Multiple channels? The only channel Lemon needs is the one that leads him out the door.

Colleen’s eyes narrow behind her stylish frames.

Colleen Crowder: That’s rather glib, don’t you think? Lemon’s departure signifies a shift in the media paradigm that-

Johnny Suave: Oh, spare me the Columbia School of Journalism lecture.

As they continue to bicker, a figure in a food service uniform marches purposefully towards the announcer’s table. Suave notices him first, relief washing over his face.

Johnny Suave: Ladies and gentlemen, now we have breaking news from the concession stand!

A frazzled concessions worker, his apron stained with various condiments, stumbles onto the scene, waving a greasy piece of paper. Johnny Suave’s eyebrows shoot up as the man approaches, interrupting the ongoing bickering between him and Colleen.

Frazzled Concessions Worker: Excuse me, Mr. Suave…

The worker pants, thrusting the paper towards Johnny.

Frazzled Concessions Worker: I have an urgent update about the Goldberg situation.

Johnny takes the paper, scanning it quickly. His lips curl into a smirk.

Johnny Suave: Well, well, well. It seems our esteemed colleague Whoopi Goldberg owes the hardworking folks at concessions an apology.

Colleen leans in, her curiosity piqued.

Colleen Crowder: What are you talking about, Johnny?

Johnny Suave: According to this report…

Johnny waves the paper dramatically.

Johnny Suave: …there was indeed a mechanical issue with the oven. Goldberg’s order couldn’t be filled due to faulty equipment, not political persecution.

Colleen’s eyes narrow behind her stylish glasses.

Colleen Crowder: Oh, come on, Johnny. You can’t possibly believe that’s the whole story. In this charged political climate-

Johnny interrupts, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

Johnny Suave: Climate? The only climate affecting anything here is the one inside that broken oven. Face it, Colleen, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar… or in this case, a busted appliance is just a busted appliance.

Colleen’s cheeks flush with frustration.

Colleen Crowder: You’re oversimplifying the issue, as usual. There’s always more beneath the surface in these situations.

Johnny Suave: The only thing beneath the surface here is a faulty heating element.

Johnny’s grin widens.

Johnny Suave: But please, enlighten us with your Pulitzer-worthy investigative skills. I’m sure there’s a vast right-wing conspiracy hiding in the kitchen’s circuitry.

As they bicker, a large steel cage lowers from the ceiling.

Johnny Suave: As you can see, we are getting ready for our next match.  This match will determine who controls the House.

Colleen Crowder: Seeing as the results have sucked so far, is it too much to ask for the Progressive Alliance to win this?

Johnny Suave: Wait.  I thought you were a journalist… fair and impartial.

Colleen begins to respond but instead glares at Johnny.

***

Wellness Check on the Hollywood Elites A a smirk plays at the corners of Johnny Suave’s mouth.

Johnny Suave: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for another Hollywood exodus update!

The big screen flickers to life, showing Woodward Bernstein standing in an eerily empty airport terminal.

Woodward Bernstein: Johnny, I’ve been here for hours. I have to tell you, the only celebrity I’ve seen is the Kardashians’ long-lost cousin twice removed. It’s a ghost town here!

Suave chuckles.

Johnny Suave: Well, isn’t that something? I thought we’d see a mass migration rivaling the Great Wildebeest Crossing. Speaking of wildlife, let’s check in with Mindy at the Cliffs of Dover.

The scene shifts to Mindy Taylor, bundled up against the wind, peering over the edge of the famous white cliffs.

Mindy Taylor: No sign of Bono or his car, Johnny. I’ve been watching these cliffs so long, I’m starting to think I’m the edge U2 hasn’t found yet!

Suave’s eyebrows shoot up in mock surprise.

Johnny Suave:  And what about our friend Rob Reiner? Any spontaneous combustion on the streets of Tinseltown?

The camera pans across Hollywood Boulevard, showing nothing but the usual tourists and street performers.

Colleen Crowder makes a sour look.

Colleen Crowder: This is totally unnecessary.

Johnny Suave: Sure it is, we’ll check back again later.

Colleen Crowder: Wonderful.

Johnny Suave: Let’s go back to Kimber Marshall in the ring.

***

MATCH #3-EXTREME HOUSE CAGE MATCH: American Patriots (Jim Jordan (OH), Lauren Boebert (CO), Marjorie Taylor Greene (GA), Chip Roy (TX), and Thomas Massie (KY) vs. Progressive Alliance (Hakeem Jeffries (NY), Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez (NY), Eric Swalwell (CA), Jamie Raskin (MD), and Dan Goldman (NY) As the cage finishes lowering, Kimber Marshall stands at its center, microphone in hand, her presence commanding attention even in this intimidating setting.

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for our Extreme House Cage Match!”

The crowd erupts, a sea of red and blue shirts undulating in waves of anticipation.

Kimber Marshall: First, representing the American Patriots…

Kimber pauses for dramatic effect.

Kimber Marshall: Jim Jordan of Ohio! Lauren Boebert of Colorado! Marjorie Taylor Greene of Georgia! Chip Roy of Texas! And Thomas Massie from Kentucky!

The red-clad section of the arena explodes into cheers as the five emerge on stage. Jim Jordan, ever the wrestler, flexes his biceps while Boebert mimes firing off a round from an imaginary rifle. Greene waves a miniature American flag, Roy pounds his chest, and Massie holds up a copy of the Constitution.

The American Patriots march towards the ring and climb into the cage, each striking a pose for their adoring fans.

Kimber clears her throat.

Kimber Marshall: And now, representing the Progressive Alliance…

The blue section tenses, ready to erupt.

Kimber Marshall: Hakeem Jeffries of New York! Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez of New York! Eric Swalwell of California! Jamie Raskin of Maryland! And Dan Goldman from New York!”

The Progressive Alliance emerges to thunderous applause from their supporters. AOC leads the charge, fist raised high. Jeffries follows, looking determined. Swalwell blows kisses to the crowd, while Raskin and Goldman wave enthusiastically.

The Progressive Alliance enters the cage, squaring off against their opponents. The tension is palpable as both teams eye each other warily.

Over at the announcer’s table, Johnny Suave leans into his microphone.

Johnny Suave: Well, Colleen, looks like we’re in for one hell of a political slugfest. Any predictions?

Colleen adjusts her glasses, a brave smirk playing on her lips.

Colleen Crowder: Oh, Johnny, you know the Progressive Alliance has this in the bag. They’ve got the youth, the energy, and the righteousness of their cause on their side.

Johnny Suave: Don’t count out the American Patriots just yet. They’ve got grit, determination, and a whole lot of red-blooded American spirit.

As the two continue their banter, Kimber exits the cage, leaving the ten competitors to face off in what promises to be an epic battle of political ideologies and wrestling prowess.

The bell clangs and chaos erupts inside the steel cage. Jim Jordan immediately grabs a kendo stick, swinging it wildly at Hakeem Jeffries, who ducks and rolls away.

Johnny Suave: And we’re off! Jordan’s on the warpath already!

Lauren Boebert scales the cage, her boots clanging against the metal. She perches at the top, eyeing Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez below. With a primal scream, Boebert launches herself off, aiming to crash onto AOC.

Johnny Suave: Look out below!

Colleen Crowder: Get out of the way, AOC!

At the last second, Ocasio-Cortez sidesteps. Boebert crashes hard onto the canvas with a sickening thud.

Johnny Suave: Ooh, that’s gonna leave a mark.

Meanwhile, Marjorie Taylor Greene has Eric Swalwell cornered. She grabs a steel chair, raising it high.

Johnny Suave: Greene’s about to introduce Swalwell to some cold, hard steel!

Greene swings, but Swalwell ducks. The chair clangs against the cage, vibrating in Greene’s hands. Swalwell capitalizes, tackling her to the mat.

Colleen Crowder: Yes! Take her down!

“Quite the biased commentary there, Colleen,” Suave remarks dryly.

In another corner, Chip Roy and Jamie Raskin grapple, trading punches. Roy gains the upper hand, Irish whipping Raskin into the ropes. As Raskin bounces back, Roy catches him with a clothesline that flips Raskin head over heels.

Johnny Suave: Raskin just got turned inside out!

The melee continues, bodies flying everywhere. Dan Goldman climbs to the top turnbuckle, eyeing Thomas Massie below, laying on a table after being double-teamed by Swalwell and Jeffries.  With a deep breath, Goldman leaps, aiming for a flying elbow drop.

Johnny Suave: Goldman’s going high-risk!

Massie rolls away at the last second. Goldman crashes through a table, splintering wood flying everywhere.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Colleen Crowder: Oh, the humanity!

Crowd: PCW!… PCW!… PCW!…

Johnny Suave: It’s absolute pandemonium in there, folks! This is what an Extreme House Cage Match is all about!

Lauren Boebert seizes a kendo stick, her eyes wild with adrenaline. She swings it at Jamie Raskin, catching him low. As he doubles over, she hooks his head and drives him face-first into the mat with a vicious DDT.

Johnny Suave: DDT BY BOEBERT!

Colleen Crowder: Oh come on, that was a cheap shot!

Colleen Crowder protesting voice is tinged with indignation.

Colleen Crowder: Raskin didn’t even see it coming!

Eric Swalwell, enraged by the attack on his ally, lunges at Boebert. His hands find her throat, and he begins to squeeze.

Colleen Crowder: Look at Swalwell go! He’s defending his teammate like a true Progressive!

Marjorie Taylor Greene spots the altercation and hefts a steel chair. With a primal scream, she brings it crashing down on Swalwell’s back. The impact echoes through the arena.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Crowd: PCW!… PCW!… PCW!…

Swalwell drops to his knees.  Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez charges across the ring, shoving Greene hard.

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez: You keep your hands off him!

AOC’s face is flushed with anger.

Greene stumbles back, then regains her footing. She raises the chair…

Johnny Suave: Here we go!

Colleen Crowder: NOOOOOOO!

…brings down the chair on AOC in return, sending her sprawling into the ropes.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!

Crowd: PCW!… PCW!… PCW!…

MTG lays the boots into AOC until Jim Jordan steps in between them.

Jim Jordan: We can settle this later. Right now, we need to-

His words are cut short as Hakeem Jeffries spins him around. In a flash, Jeffries’ foot connects with Jordan’s jaw in a devastating superkick.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! SUPERKICK BY JEFFRIES AND JORDAN’S GOING DOWN!

Colleen Crowder: YES!  FINISH HIM!

As Jordan crumples, his unconscious form lands squarely on top of a prone Eric Swalwell.

Johnny Suave: JORDAN FALLS ON SWALWELL. THE REFEREE SLIDES IN.

Colleen Crowder: No, no, no! This can’t be happening!

Chip Roy seizes the opportunity, grabbing Jeffries and hurling him over the top rope and out of the ring. Thomas Massie, seeing Dan Goldman trying to intervene, trips him up, sending him face-first into the turnbuckle.

The referee’s hand slaps the mat. “One! Two! Three!”

Johnny Suave: THAT’S IT!

Colleen Crowder: SON OF A BITCH!

The bell rings again, signaling the end of the match.

Johnny Suave: I DON’T BELIEVE IT!  JIM JORDAN PINS ERIC SWALWELL AND THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS MAKE IT A CLEAN SWEEP!

Colleen sits in stunned silence, her mouth agape.

Kimber Marshall: The winners of the Extreme House Cage Match… THE AMERICAN PATRIOTS!

Colleen finally manages to sputter something.

Colleen Crowder: This… this is a travesty. “It’s got to be rigged!

As the American Patriots celebrate their victory, the Progressive Alliance members look on in disbelief, the cage looming over them all like a steel reminder of their defeat.

***

One Last Wellness Check on the Hollywood Elite Later, Suave leans forward, his eyes twinkling with mischief.

Johnny Suave: Time for our final celebrity exodus check-in. Woodward, any last-minute departures?

Woodward appears again, this time lounging in an airport chair.

Woodward Bernstein: Well, Johnny, I did see Eva Longoria buying a one-way ticket to… Spain. Does she count as a Hollywood star?”

Suave snorts.

Johnny Suave: About as much as a participation trophy in the Olympics. Mindy, any cliff-diving action?

Mindy, now sporting a “I Waited for Bono and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” top, shakes her head.

Mindy Taylor: Nothing, Johnny. The only thing going over this cliff is my patience.

Johnny Suave: And Rob Reiner?

The camera shows Hollywood again, this time focusing on a street vendor selling “I Survived Trump’s Re-election and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt” merchandise.

Johnny Suave: All right… let’s run down the earlier Extreme Election Night 2024 matches…

***

Extreme Election Night 2024 Full Review -Catherine Cline (Independent) retains the PCW Women’s Title over ‘The Ultimate Political Operative’ Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance) -Starz N. Stripes and ‘The One-Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism (American Patriots) retain the PCW Tag Team Titles over The Green World Order (Progressive Alliance) -The American Patriots defeated The Progressive Alliance in an Extreme House Cage Match -The American Patriots defeated The Progressive Alliance in the Senate 10-person tag team match -Donald Trump w/J.D. Vance (American Patriots) defeated Kamala Harris w/Tim Walz (Progressive Alliance) to become the new CEO of PCW.

Johnny Suave: Okay.  It is time for our main event.  The PCW Title match. Kimber Marshall?

***

MAIN EVENT-PCW TITLE MATCH: Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland Coalition) © vs. “Mr. Hollywood” Kevin Daniels w/the Skanky Rich Bimbos- Paris and Nicole- and country… pop songstress Taylor Switt The arena erupts with a cacophony of cheers and boos as Kimber Marshall’s voice booms through the speakers.

Kimber Marshall: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your main event of the evening! One fall to a finish, and it is for THE PCW TITLE!

The opening riffs of “Hollywood Nights” blast through the arena as strobe lights flash. ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels emerges from behind the curtain, his perfectly coiffed hair gleaming under the spotlights. He’s flanked by the Skanky Rich Bimbos, Paris and Nicole, their designer dresses leaving little to the imagination, and Taylor Switt, who’s busy taking selfies with her bedazzled phone.

Kimber Marshall: Introducing first, the challenger.  Accompanied tonight by the Skanky Rich Bimbos Paris and Nicole and the Country… er… Pop Songstress Taylor Switt. Representing the Progressive Alliance tonight from Beverly Hills, California, weighing in at 220 pounds, ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels!”

Johnny Suave: And what an entrance, Colleen! The Progressive Alliance fans are going wild for their golden boy!

Colleen Crowder: Of course they are, Johnny. Daniels represents everything they aspire to be – rich, famous, and utterly disconnected from reality.

As Daniels struts down the ramp, he blows kisses to the blue-seated fans, who reach out desperately to touch him. He climbs the steps and poses on the turnbuckle, flexing his muscles as the Skanky Rich Bimbos fawn over him.

Suddenly, the opening chords of “Do You Hear the People Sing?” from Les Misérables fill the arena. The American Heartland Coalition section erupts in a thunderous chorus, their voices rising in unison.

Kimber’s voice cuts through the music.

Kimber Marshall: And his opponent, from Dallas, Texas USA, weighing in at 240 pounds, representing the American Heartland Coalition… he is the REIGNING PCW CHAMPION… CHARLIE BLACKWELL!

Charlie Blackwell emerges, the PCW Championship belt gleaming around his waist. He’s accompanied by ‘Red Solo Cup’ Ray McAvay and the ‘Prairie Populist’ William Daniels Bryan. Blackwell’s face is set in grim determination as he marches towards the ring.

Johnny Suave: Here comes the PCW Champion Charlie Blackwell, Colleen.  No frills, no gimmicks, just pure grit and determination.

Colleen scoffs.

Colleen Crowder: Please, Johnny. Blackwell’s just another small-town nobody who got lucky. Daniels is the future of this business.

As Blackwell enters the ring, he locks eyes with Daniels. The tension is palpable, two ideologies clashing in the squared circle. Blackwell raises his championship belt high, a defiant gesture that sends the American Heartland Coalition into a frenzy.

The ref calls for the bell, and the crowd holds its breath, ready for this match to explode into action.

Kevin Daniels launches into action like a Hollywood stuntman, his perfectly manicured fists connecting with Charlie Blackwell’s rugged jaw. The champion’s eyes blaze with fury as he absorbs the blows, his blue-collar pride igniting into an inferno of rage.

Colleen Crowder: Look at Daniels go! He’s showing Blackwell what real star power looks like!

Johnny Suave: Blackwell’s taking those shots, but for how long?

With a roar that echoes through the arena, Blackwell grabs Daniels by his designer trunks and hurls him over the top rope. The self-proclaimed Mr. Hollywood crashes to the floor with a satisfying thud.

Outside the ring, Blackwell unleashes a barrage of fists and kicks, driving Daniels into the guardrail. The crowd’s chants of “PCW! PCW!” fuel his assault.

Colleen Crowder: Would they stop with that chant?

Meanwhile, Ray McAvay and William Daniels Bryan spring into action, unfolding a table at ringside. Blackwell notices and a grim smile crosses his face.

Colleen Crowder: What are those two up to?

Johnny Suave: Looks like they’re setting the stage for some extreme action.

Blackwell drags Daniels to his feet, hoisting him onto his shoulders. With a grunt of effort, he climbs onto the ring apron.

Johnny Suave: Here we go.

Colleen shrieks.

Colleen Crowder: No… no… don’t do it!

But it’s too late. Blackwell leaps, driving Daniels through the table with a thunderous powerbomb. The crash echoes through the arena as splinters fly.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! Kevin Daniels just got put through that table like a washed-up actor through rehab!

Blackwell, breathing heavily, pulls Daniels’ limp form back into the ring.

Johnny Suave: This is what happens when Hollywood tries to step into Charlie Blackwell’s world.

Colleen Crowder: Why would Hollywood want to be in Charlie Blackwell’s world?

Johnny Suave: Low taxes, for one.

The champion unleashes a series of brutal moves, each impact drawing gasps from the crowd.

Johnny Suave: Charlie Blackwell’s on fire and Kevin Daniels looks utterly spent, his perfect hair now a disheveled mess.

Blackwell charges for his signature running stampede in the corner, but at the last second, Daniels stumbles aside. The champion crashes into the turnbuckle with a sickening thud.

Johnny Suave: NO!  DANIELS MOVED!

Colleen cheers.

Colleen Crowder: Yes! That’s what I’m talking about!

Seizing the moment, Daniels musters his strength and throws Blackwell into the opposite corner. He follows up with a Stinger Splash, then drops the champion with a picture-perfect DDT.

Johnny Suave: Kevin Daniels has turned it around!

Daniels covers Blackwell, his face a mask of desperation. The referee’s hand slaps the mat once… twice…

Johnny Suave: NO!

Blackwell kicks out at two, his resilience drawing both cheers and boos from the divided crowd.

Colleen Crowder: So close!  Daniels almost had him!

The crowd’s roar reaches a fever pitch as Taylor Switt, the “Country…er…Pop Songstress,” saunters to the edge of the ring. Her perfectly coiffed blonde hair and sparkly outfit are a stark contrast to the brutality unfolding before her.

Johnny Suave: Look who decided to join the party.

Switt locks eyes with Blackwell, her saccharine smile dripping with malice.

Taylor Switt: Hey, Charlie!

She calls out to Blackwell in a singsong voice.

Taylor Switt: How about a little music to go with your beating?

Blackwell’s eyes narrow. He thinks: I’ve got to keep my focus. This Hollywood entourage won’t distract me from my goal.

But as he turns to confront Switt, Daniels seizes the opportunity. With a burst of energy, he leaps forward, his foot connecting with Blackwell’s jaw in a devastating Superkick.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!  SUPERKICK OUT OF NOWHERE!

Colleen can barely contain her glee.

Colleen Crowder: That’s how it’s done! Daniels just rocked Blackwell’s world!

Johnny Suave: Can Charlie Blackwell… shake it off?

Colleen Crowder: Ha ha.  So funny.

Switt does lean over the ropes and taunts Blackwell.

Taylor Switt: That’s right.  We are never, ever getting back together.

Johnny Suave: I don’t think she was ever together with Charlie Blackwell.

Colleen Crowder: You know what she means… HOW IS BLACKWELL STILL STANDING?

To everyone’s shock, Blackwell stumbles but remains standing. Daniels, his eyes wide with disbelief, unleashes another Superkick. The impact echoes through the arena.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP!  ANOTHER SUPERKICK!

Colleen Crowder: Blackwell’s got to be out!

Johnny Suave: BUT HE’S NOT!

But once again, the champion refuses to fall. Daniels, now visibly frustrated, screams at him.

Kevin Daniels: Why won’t you stay down?!

With a primal roar, he delivers a third Superkick. The crowd holds its breath…

Johnny Suave: NO!  BLACKWELL IS STILL ON HIS FEET!

Colleen interjects, her voice tinged with awe and disappointment.

Colleen Crowder: How is this possible? No one could withstand that assault!

Desperate, Daniels grabs Blackwell and whips him towards the corner where Switt stands ready, her guitar raised high.

Johnny Suave: Oh oh.  Taylor’s Love Story with Charlie Blackwell is about to end.

But in a stunning reversal, Blackwell uses the momentum to grab Daniels and send him careening into the corner instead.

Colleen Crowder: Oh no.

Switt, unable to stop her swing in time, brings the loaded guitar down on Daniels’ head with a sickening crack.  White powder explodes out of the guitar and the crowd gasps as Daniels crumples to the mat.

Johnny Suave: HOLY CRAP! TAYLOR SWITT JUST TOOK OUT HER OWN GUY!

Colleen lets out a loud sigh.

Colleen Crowder: Figures…

Blackwell, seizing the moment, dives to the mat.

Johnny Suave: KATAHAJIME!

Blackwell locks in the Katahajime. Daniels, dazed and weakened, has no defense against the devastating submission hold.

Johnny Suave: Blackwell’s got the Katahajime locked in tight!

Daniels’ struggles grow weaker until finally, his body goes limp. The referee checks his arm once, twice, three times before calling for the bell.

Johnny Suave: BLACKWELL RETAINS!

The arena erupts as Blackwell retains his title, leaving Daniels unconscious in the ring and Switt looking on in horror at the unintended consequences of her interference.

Kimber Marshall: Your winner and STILL… PCW CHAMPION… CHARLIE BLACKWELL!

A quick look at the blue seats… empty.

Johnny Suave: Charlie Blackwell caps off what’s been a dominating Extreme Election Night 2024 for the American Patriots and the American Heartland Coalition.

The camera cuts to Suave and Colleen.  Suave’s excited after a great show.  Colleen looks like she wants to show up.

Johnny Suave: Any last thoughts, Colleen?

Colleen shakes her head no.

Colleen Crowder: Other than tonight was a complete disaster for the Progressive Alliance and the mainstream, legacy media… no.

Johnny Suave: All right.  That’s going to do it for tonight.  For Colleen Crowder…

Colleen Crowder: Is there a bar nearby?

Johnny Suave: …I am Johnny Suave. Good night everyone!

RESULTS: PCW Extreme Election Night 2024-Night Two: -PCW WOMEN’S TITLE: Catherine Cline (IND) © defeated ‘The Ultimate Political Operative’ Kathryn Randall Collins (Progressive Alliance)

-PCW TAG TEAM TITLE: ‘The One Man Anti-Hollywood A-List’ Stone Chism and Starz N. Stripes (American Patriots) © defeated The Green World Order (‘Extreme Vegan’ Brock Cole Lee and GreenPete w/PeaceNick and Peta from PETA) (Progressive Alliance)

-EXTREME HOUSE MATCH: American Patriots (Jim Jordan (OH), Lauren Boebert (CO), Marjorie Taylor Greene (GA), Chip Roy (TX), and Thomas Massie (KY) defeated Progressive Alliance (Hakeem Jeffries (NY), Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez (NY), Eric Swalwell (CA), Jamie Raskin (MD), and Dan Goldman (NY)

-PCW TITLE: Charlie Blackwell (American Heartland Coalition) © defeated ‘Mr. Hollywood’ Kevin Daniels (Progressive Alliance)

The chorus of Amy Grant’s “Turn This World Around” plays as the show ends.

“Maybe one day We can turn and face our fears Maybe one day We can reach out through the tears After all it’s really not that far To where hope can be found Maybe one day We can turn this world around...”