#thru what my mom did and survive if i didnt have my dad. so i guess i have to con someone into marrying me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[fortunefool]

hi hello everyone!! im here w yu sera and her luck manip ability!! aka ur rabbit's foot & broken mirror in one! ik ik ... 2 in 1 .... what a steal ! formal descriptions / pages will b coming this weekend!!!

dc is avail. upon req if u prefer it over tumblr ims (which im ok with, btw!!) & like this if u wna put our beasts in some situations (if u want to plot) ! OH! and ty to evry1 who has alrdy reached out!! tw for mentions of : death, murder, drowning, sewer side.

ㅤㅤㅤ 𖹭 ㅤㅤㅤ statistics .

name : yu sera. (유세라)

birthday: 980922. (twenty5)

hometown: yongin, south korea.

education: master degree in nursing, second yr.

residence: yellow hall('s resident advisor)

ㅤㅤㅤ 𖹭 ㅤㅤㅤ biography & co .

you see, sera's life has been L after L after L, back to back

her mother? poor, modest, v excited to have a daughter. her f*ther? HWAKTHU. fluctuating between rich and poor, gambling his life away, alw fucking around, messing w the wrong people, scamming!

scammer on scammer hate crime ensues when a dubious low budget genie irl tells sera's dad "give me all the $$$ u have. but dw dw! i can grant u a wish... such as.... i'll give ur newborn daughter the power of Luck." and he leaves out the part that Luck is bad n good.

and what does her dad do? he listens!!! a born, living, lucky charm? sign him tf up!!!! he waits for sera to be born, tells her mom that he has to leave n he will take sera (so he doesnt have to share the lucky charm yknow), the mom tries to fight for the daughter but... ope... person w money vs person w no money.... yea... head low.

sooooo, she spends her childhood pretty happy. daddy's girl n all! w an ability that she believes to be some form of Good Luck Manip. she sees her dad as the best man in the world and he. loves. it. why? bc it makes her ability v powerful and he keeps on winning, buying expensive things, not being caught etc etc... just living the best life off of sera... but ofc. nothing lasts forever.

sera enters her teenage years and hell breaks loose. she accidentally learns that her mother didnt abandon them (as per her dad's fake sob story), she figures out that her dad is no Fair businessman and it alllll comes crumbling down.

so young and so shaken up with new, different emotions, she quickly learns that she can manifest bad luck as well. luckily(?) for her dad, she was still in denial so the bad luck wasnt strong enough to k*ll him off.... but it did take away all of his riches which cld count as murder in his books. long story short, he becomes a Monster, trashes her things, kicks her out, leaves her out in the street w nothing.

i'll try to make this part rlly brief bc i want her Trauma to be traumaing but i also dont want to get into graphic deets!! couch surfing at a friend. friend dies. parents hate her. sera starts searching for her mom, someone tells her that she's dead. ope... sera tries to end it all bc of that by drowning. randomly gets saved. ends up living w this cute ol lil lady, a retired nurse, who feels like a grandma figure for sera... baow. accidental bad luck manifestation makes them get into an accident, guess who survives thru survival luck and who doesnt. yea....

so ... you may be thinking ... now what. WELL. she hears abt sua ... abt the Patch (one that she cldnt afford/get her hands onto) so she decides well. im sick of being the bad guy (accidentally) all the time, im sick of spiraling, im sick of my ability fluctuating. let me become a nurse and help out! maybe i'll finally get to use my power for proper good this time....

soooooo she tries to cheer up during her uni years. she gets more control over her ability but theres still lots to learn! her emotions still affect her deeply but its no longer THAAAAAAAAT bad.

her goals? become a v v v good nurse. gain complete control over her ability and use it w her job. help ppl w her power. find her mom. and... devious smile..... find her dad to k*ll him w the bad luck.

ㅤㅤㅤ 𖹭 ㅤㅤㅤ ability .

luck manip!!! she can give u good luck or bad luck!!! her eyes turn green when it's good luck & black when it's bad luck! she can touch u, look at u, think of u, it works either way! ofc, she can do more w a touch than w a thought!

she can make you get the luck you need to find your keys or to win the lottery! she can make you spill ur coffee all over ur new clothes or get u vvv sick! anything goes! if it's a casual ez kind of luck (keys, coffee), then she'll need a few moments to regain her energy. if its smth more extreme (lottery, sickness), she needs a few days (even up to a week), to recover!!! the more complex it is, the more it drains her energy!

it's all within d laws of physics & limits of 'reality' ! so she cant get you to magically materialize ur lost keys back and she cant spill invisible coffee on u! ALSO!!! this ability only works in like... idk.... a 100-200 miles radius!

her Survival Luck is also present n exists and she can (and has alrdy) managed to survive a bunch of extreme situations (see above)! however, the Way that she survives it.... out of her control fr.... cld be a scratch, cld be 5 broken bones, not up to sera!

ㅤㅤㅤ 𖹭 ㅤㅤㅤ brief personality .

she's v chill and looooooves helping people!!! not super hyper BUT still a fun girl nonetheless! not boring by any means despite being v toned down and lowkey!

DESPITE the previous bullet point, she is extremely afraid of getting attached to people and LET ALOOOOONE love them so she tries to keep everyone at arms length. why? obv bc of her ability and her fear of not being able to control it properly... she doesnt want another friend + grandma incident.

has a tendency to become mellow / nostalgic and can be caught overthinking... which she tries to do while on that nullivi .... ofc! LDFDFGJJ

ㅤㅤㅤ 𖹭 ㅤㅤㅤ plots .

a few friends????? a few foes?????? a few younger ppl @ yellow hall she's helped out as a resident advisor??? someone who tries to get close to her but shes ADAMANT on not letting that happen?

ppl affected by her good luck..... what abt ppl affected by her bad luck.... ooo swearing up and down that she didnt mean it and it was accidental... cld be true or not. ppl accusing her of using her powers when she didnt? OOOO what abt using the bad luck on a person that she was told was a bad person but sera was only manipulated into thinking soooooooo ooooooouuuuu

someone who's known her ever since she was a teenager? watching her go thru the whole spiral of bad luck??? maybe theyre older and even told her abt sua!!!

what if there's someone who jus doesnt believe that she has an ability? or they do and they think its a stupid one? NLKFJGN idk...

i kinda want lots of angst for her.... i think it'd be fitting.... lets put sera and ur muse thru the pain machine tgt!

THANK YOU FOR READING / SKIMMIN THRU THISSSSSSSSSS SMUAAAAAAAAAAAAACH!!

[silly-stage-au]

can we ask more about the characters that died in round 1? we didnt see much of them... what were they like? did you have anything planned for them?

putting it under cut:)

Mod Mayya: OH BOY DID I

I expected Marianne to win the first round match but she died round one. She had the whole soldier/knight aesthetic, raised by alien military. Had a lot of interest in human culture, the theming of her and Betty's performance was her idea

Uhhh Lisa and Kyro are half siblings, same mom, different dads. How Lisa even ended up at anakt is unknown. She barely even got any vocal training before she got thrown on stage. She liked seals.

Elise was an idol even prior to the show. Was on good terms with pretty much everyone even if they did not talk much. She had a crush on Wes but never told anybody.

Mod Tarot:

With Roma there's mainly the whole roro thing (the ship of him with Kyro)... of both of them being aware of eachother's feelings but not doing anything about it while the show is on ... but then either one of them dies and it's all over or, a much worse option in my opinion, they have to go against eachother and oh boy. not fun. especcially with one of the big things for roma (and dasha too actually but she wouldn't talk about it ever) is a fear of death. so he would try his best to win even against Kyro. Some other stuff about him is the horrible horrible conflict avoidance. He's both very desperate for attention but for example if during an interveiw he got too many questions about his own shitty behaviour or dasha he would straight up just stand up and try to leave... Roma got punched with character development sometime a bit after his death so im still a little sad non of that came thru his interveiw but oh well...

Mod Penguin: so so much

you only saw the iceberg of the character that nastya is. she completely loves and trusts the aliens, and by extension, the audience. dont worry, she loves you even though you killed her! she doesnt blame you! she forgives you, asks that you love her back. before she died, she wasnt thinking "nooo i dont wanna die nooo". she was thinking "the audience doesnt love me anymore, so i deserve to die... but why don't they? i did everything like they told me to" can you tell her what she did wrong, please? she'll change, she'll do better!! i cant talk about All Of Her here bc thatd take up the whole post, but if u wanna know more about her, you can ask about her individually.. bats my eyelashes at you..

nina, like ája, was underdeveloped when we started this blog. even though nina sung, she loved ája just as much as ája loved her, and would have died for her, too - well, i guess she did. if ninas survived, her story would have been about her giving up her autonomy for the sake of winning... "ája died, so i have to win to make her happy. it doesnt matter if im not happy as long as the audience votes for me" and such. basically this song. you can already see this in round 1, kinda... shes NOT a smiley person. shes more like a betty + dasha fusion in terms of behavior than like lisa. she was smiling bc she wanted you to like her. shed have, like... been disassociating kinda, more n more, if she survived. "if i dont think, i dont have to acknowledge ájas death. if you make choices for me, nothing is my fault"

i had nothing planned for ája winning i cant believe she won (until we took that from her lol). like, god, i dont like how i wrote her, i cant believe you guys do!!! but i appreciate it!!!!!!! thank youuu mwah mwah mwah i love you guys ur the best audience we could have asked for

[oflgtfol]

holy absolute fuck i just had the most fucking wild dream ever

so it was .... once again... star wars... but also BARELY related to star wars

i think . for some reason narratively i was luke but also not. i have no idea what was up with that

but then i got sent back in time to like before star wars, before the galaxy politics, way back to Earth As It Is Now, like implying that star wars is the distant future fate of our current galaxy lol

but in sending me back, it sent me back to my current family? which also implies that i somehow was alive in this time, but also in that distant future? i have no idea what was up with that either

BUT ANYWAY. so apparently a catalyst for the galaxy becoming as fucked up as it is in sw is that the earth basically becomes inhospitable. i had no idea how but i was sent back to to... do something about it. i dont think i had to stop it. i cant remember what my goal was

but anyway i had told my parents that something bad would happen because im from the future. but also i didnt know HOW the earth would be destroyed. i think maybe there were two versions of me because A Version Of Me told my parents that the earth would be destroyed and when they asked when, i simply told them the date my dad died and that was it. but the current version of myself had no idea what exactly would happen or when, but i did remember the Distant Future. idk. and despite being from the distant future, this was still somehow my life. like my parents, my house, my friends, so idk lol

so anyway it was basically just life as normal but knowing that at some point we would be annihilated and it was basically just trying to make everybody’s last days good ones. maybe thats what my goal was? idk

but all throughout it, there was that undercurrent of dread, but also there was weird ass foreshadowing too like ive never had that in a dream LMAO. like my mom told me one day that she was on facebook and one of her friends posted about some land being bought near her house by the government for some big secret project

and then a few days later somehow we learned that the project was some big fucking laser. i think because the facebook friend was taking pics of its construction

and instantly i just knew that that was how we were gonna die. but i didnt feel anything about it lol it was just this steady knowledge that oop we’re in the endgame now. and i didnt tell my parents that was it but i kinda assumed they knew, but they also showed no alarm about it so idk

and so on the day of the laser being used, i was like. ok this is it. the laser was supposed to help us somehow, that was the government’s storyline, and my parents were like “ok should we get the birth certificates? official documents?” and i just told them “you know this is it, right?” because whats the point when we’re gonna be annihilated lol

so they started organizing the official documents on the floor. and i had this one thing, that was proof that i was from the future, it had like the vaguest map of the sw galaxy and the date i was from and i put it down on the ground with everything else. and my dad looked at it and was like “that’s really what will happen after this?” and i was just like. yeah. and i was explaining like the core vs outer rim politics and this is where the “i think i was narratively luke skywalker” comes in bc my dad was like “u know a lot about core politics” and it was like “lol. you could say that” (Even though irl my actual self knows nothing of it LMAO?)

ANYWAY so then. I was expecting the laser to get fucked up and we’d all die in an instant. i think thats why i was so unbothered by it all. i was expecting a big explosion

but. nothing happened. as time kept ticking down i texted my friends that i love them. i had no idea if they knew what was about to occur but i wanted them to see that. but i sent it too late bc i no longer had any service and so the message didnt go through. and it was like. why is my service down when nothing happened yet ...?

and so i went outside and its. snowing. and my parents followed me out. and instantly i just knew it was like, nuclear snow or what the fuck ever bc it was not natural especially since it had been blue skies earlier in the day

and i turned to my parents and was like “if the laser went off. then why are we still here?”

and my mom pulls out some paper or her phone or whatever and was like. “this wasn’t what was going to kill us. you said it yourself, the day dad would die is still like 10 years away”

and i was like. “i said WHAT?!?!?” bc idfk, this current version of myself hadnt been the one to tell my parents for some reason so even i was unaware of that

and so i was just freaking out like. YOU MEAN we have to live in a POST APOCALYPTIC WORLD NOW? and i was just despairing so fucking badly, it all hit me at once how fucked up this all is, i wasnt prepared to have to struggle to survive for at least a fucking decade, i thought we’d die instantly. and so i started crying and then i was angry like “WHY WOULD ANYONE LET THE GOVERNMENT BUILD A BIG FUCKING LASER?? NOTHING GOOD EVER COMES OF THAT” and my parents were trying to cheer me up?? my mom was like “oh come on, we watch the walking dead all the time, we got this! and dont you DARE kill yourself” bc i think i had told her irl that if i had to live thru a zombie apocalypse i’d just straight up kill myself at the very beginning LMAO. like im NOT living through this shit man. and when she told me not to kill myself i was just like, well i cant anyway if i have to be alive to see the date dad dies!

and then well . i woke up i guess LOL

[bo0zey]

Pick your favorite questions from the list.

i will do them all for u 0.o

1. Name cianna [see-ah-nah]

2. Nationality mexican irish german romanian hungarian french

3. Age 20

4. Birthday december 17, 1999

5. Zodiac sign (or your primal zodiac sign) sun: sagittarius; ascendant: leo; moon: aries

6. Gender female

7. Sexuality uhhhhhhhhhhhh idk but i will willingly kiss either gender

8. Your looks (add a picture or describe yourself) /tagged/my-face or u could just google pictures of fat rats

9. What do you/did you study? I’m currently a sophomore nursing major!

10. What's your current job like?/What job would you like to have? I’m currently a microbiology TA and I love it :) My dream job would be something with animals, like a vet tech or veterinarian

11. Your birth order i’m the oldest!

12. How many siblings do you have? 2 younger brothers

13. Do you have good relations with your family? my mom was my best friend, my dad and i get along better now that i’m in college, my brothers and i get along pretty well & we’re staring to get closer now that they’re getting older n growing up n developing their own personalities lol

14. How many friends do you have? errrr idk this is a hard question. i have a lot of acquaintances but i’d say i have maybe like less than 10 real friends??

15. Your relationship status single :D

16. What do you look for in a SO? funny!!!!!!!!!must be humorous!!!!and sarcastic and a little weird w darker sense of humor so we can laugh n be dumb together!!!!!!! also i would like them to be kind to me and those around them bc mean ppl suck. also they have to like animals. also i would like them to be loyal and trustworthy and 110% in love w me. and for physical stuff idk kinda attractive but NOT CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE like i personally don't really like the typically ‘attractive’ person??? 

17. Do you have a crush? currently in love w the cute chinese boy who lives across from my dorm room even tho i have never even spoken to him n he is totally unaware of my existence!!!!!!!! hahah oops :D

18. When did you have your first kiss? i mean technically 3rd grade i think but that doesn't really count so like maybe 16????

19. Do you prefer serious and meaningful relationships or casual dating/one night stands? i mean in the long term i would definitely like to have a serious relationship but at the moment i’m only into casual stuff bc my heart isn't ready to be broken again sknfkjdbnkjd

20. What are your deal breakers? errrr i’m not sure....cheating is a no no, ppl that are interested in fucking every single person they see is a turn off, DUMB PEOPLE like ppl you can't even have a proper conversation with bc they're so DUMB, and ppl who r mean/judgmental/arrogant

21. How was your day? ok! accidentally slept thru my math class but caught a glimpse of my crush across campus when he was abt to smoke a cig and i got chipotle n i online shopped a ton from shein

22. Favourite food & drink deep dish spinach pizza from giordano’s & orange vitamin water

23. What position do you sleep in? i fall asleep on my left side hugging a body pillow

24. What was your last dream about? ate a braid of hair and inside the braid was bacon

25. Your fears not going to make it thru nursing school, not being financially stable as an adult, not having a family of my own, probably more but those r currently top 3

26. Your dreams i don't have any idk....maybe having like a house of my own and having as many animals as i want?? and i would like a loving partner with a daughter of our own

27. Your goals survive nursing school and lose 40 pounds and don't die before my cat

28. Any pets? i have a dog named cherry Cola, a cat named Leto, and a betta fish named Perc

29. What are your hobbies? writing stories about people in love, listening to music

30. Any cool places in your area? in my college town??? NO it sucks. in my hometown??? Not really it’s a small lil village with only restaurants and parks. but at home i’m near downtown chicago so that’s cool i guess

31. What was your last awkward situation? the first thing that comes to mind is my FIRST and so far ONLY encounter with my crush. we live in the same dorm building and i was wearing my nursing scrubs and had no make up on and about to go upstairs to my dorm, and then i heard footsteps and i was like ‘hahaha what if its my crush’ AND THEN HE FUCKIGJNG appeared from down the hallway to go back to HIS DORM [which is RIGHT ACROSS FROM MINE] and i literally STARED at him, then threw open the door and RAN UP THE STAIRS LIKE I LITERALLY DIDNT EVEN HOLD THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME AND HE WAS LIKE SO CLOSE BEHIND ME I WAS JUST SO NERVOUS MY FLIGHT OR FIGHT RESPONSE TOOK OVER AND I FUCKING FLED I LITERALLY RAN AWAY FROM HIM I AHTE MYSELF SO MUCH IM SUCH AN IDIOT!!!!!!!!!

32. What is your last regret? errrrr idk i regret a lot of dumb things.......

33. Language/s you can speak English n a LITTLE bit of Spanish

34. Do you believe in astrological stuff? (Zodiac, tarot, etc.) i’m really into zodiac stuff and i have got to say they are pretty spot on in accuracy idk

35. Have any quirks? ummmm ofc!!i am the quirkiest person i know hajnjfxbkjx like if u asked my roommates/friends they’d probably be better at answering this than me bc i don't see anything abt me as quirky but they always tell me i am quirky and do weird things but idk man I'm just existing 

36. Your pet peeves err idk currently its ppl that constantly brag about dumb shit

37. Ideal vacation somewhere warm with me + the ocean + the loml + unlimited alcohol

38. Any scars? yeah :D both emotional AND physical!!!!

39. What does your last text message say? ‘ok thats a more than fair statement’

40. Last 5 things from your search history how many carbs should i eat, chipotle bowl calories, is the grim reaper the angel of death, ceftriaxone adverse effects, red man syndrome

41. What's your [device] background? lockscreen is a peach-theme background i made and home screen is my weight loss goals

42. What do you daydream about? the characters in my stories.................and being skinny 

43. Describe your dream home pretty brick house??? flowers outside??? 3 floors--main floor, basement and upstairs??? 3 bedrooms n 3 bathrooms maybe??? master bedroom has its own bathroom!!! and open concept main floor. big kitchen and very homey n warm all around. as for like an apartment i want something cozy and aesthetically pleasing and warm 

44. What's your religion/Your thought about religion i don't have a religion but if ppl do have a religion then thats not my business

45. Your personality type entj but only bc i got 3% extraverted; i am very closely related to intj tho n i think i fit that one better

46. The most dangerous thing you've done uhhhhhh probably operating a vehicle while high out of my mind. definitely the dumbest thing i ever did 0/10 would recommend anyone ever doing that

47. Are you happy with your current life? its ok but it could probably be better. i want to be done w college and skip to the part where i have a successful career and my own home and i can lay up w the loml every night

48. Some things you've tried in your life alcohol???weed??gummy edibles....

49. What does your wardrobe consist of? sweaters/sweatshirts/leggings

50. Favourite colour to wear? black, maroon, peach, purple, gray, idk

51. How would you describe your style? oh jeez idk i wear whatever i want so like e-girl when i really try and basic white girl when i don't care

52. Are you happy with your current looks? no i hate everything about myself lol

53. If you could change/add something to your appearance - impossible or not - what would it be? more freckles on my face....also be thinner n have longer hair

54. Any tattoos or piercings? my nose and septum are pierced!

55. Do you get complimented often? kinda by my friends but i always yell at them to stop so they don't compliment like as much bc they know i hate it but they still do it sometimes idk

56. Favourite aesthetic? i wanna be an e-girl yo!!!!!!!!! 

57. A popular trend that you dislike nobody has a crush on me and i hate it

58. Songs you're currently obsessed with? pied piper by BTS

59. Song you normally wouldn't admit you like. anything by BTS lol i used to like be embarrassed for how much i like k pop but now i don't really care lol #stanBTS2020

60. Favourite genre? rap/r n b/alternative

61. Favourite artist/band/genre? i listen to every genre except country sooooooo yeah i really like billie eilish, BTS, the weeknd, juicewrld, lil nas x, trippie red, post malone,

62. Hated popular songs/artists? i don't rlly like selena gomez or justin bieber or taylor swift

63. Put your music on shuffle and list first 5 only - RY X i.f.l.y. - Bazzi novacane - frank ocean jungle - drake bang! - trippie redd

64. Can you sing or play any instruments? no and no

65. Do you like karaoke? no but i like to sing along to songs when I'm alone

66. Own any albums? haha noooo i got apple music son

67. Do you listen to radio? What stations? errr RARELY i used to listen to r n b stations tho

68. Favourite movie/series? idk donnie darko?? i also just finished tharntype n that was really good. also i liked tokyo ghoul. AND GIVEN IS REALLY GOOD

69. Favourite genre of movies/books/etc i like horror/scary/paranormal/funny movies and i like love stories in books

70. Your fictional crush/es danny phantom, ken kaneki

71. Which fictional character is you? uhhhh idk...

72. Are you a shipper? List your otps, if so frerard, ryden, taekook, mewgulf

73. Favourite greek god? idk they all kinda suck but maybe hades

74. A legend from where you live that you like i don't really know any:(

75. Do you like art? What's your favourite work or artist? i like to look at art! i think van gogh is cool

76. Can you share your other social media? ig: ciannnna venmo: ciannnna

77. Favourite youtubers? i don't really watch youtubers but maybe shane dawson and emma chamberlain

78. Favourite platform? twitter

79. How much time do you spend on the internet? too much time

80. What video games have you played? Which one's your favourite? i once played GTA5 that was fun!

81. Your favourite books (manga also counts) idk i don't really read anymore:/ i was into the hunger games and the twilight series when i was young. now i kinda read online manga and i really liked BJ Alex and killing stalking. and like for online books the unholyverse series, a splitting of the mind, the anatomy of a fall

82. Do you play board/card games? no but i like to play checkers and uno and cards against humanity

83. Have you ever been to a night marathon in cinema? nopee

84. Favourite holiday halloween is cool also christmas is alright bc gifts

85. Are you into dramas? i’ve been getting into thai boys love dramas lol sue me

86. Would you use death note, if you had one? um YES.

87. What changes would you make in the world, no matter how impossible, if you had the power to? everyone needs to be a little kinder and have a crush on me

88. Could you survive a zombie apocalypse? absolutely not I'm not physically fit and don't have useful skills

89. If you had to be turned into a paranormal being, what would it be? vampire duh [or maybe ghost]

90. What would you want to happen to you after your death? i want to see my mom

91. If you had to change your name, what would be your pick? idk something cool ... i love the name Daisy

92. Who would you switch your life with for a week? idk probably kylie jenner

93. Pick an emoji to be your tattoo idk the alien? 94. Write 3 things about yourself - only one of them must be true -im very productive with my time management skills -my favorite color is purple -i don't get nervous when I'm alone in public

95. Cold or hot? cold

96. Be a hero or be a villain? anti-hero

97. Sing everything you want to say or rhyme? sing if i’m good at it but if I'm not good then rhyme

98. Shapeshifting or controlling time? shapeshifting

99. Be immortal or be immune to everything aside from natural death?immortal

100. ..... or .....? ......?

[i-am-kind-of-lost]

oh.my.god

that sounds like a major pain. like i knew being lawyer is a pain i understand but thats a different level of hell than i imagined. i wish you enough strength to get thru it.

idk i love taking pictures of people its fun.....its like im capturing peoples emotions for them to remember and its just neat but yeah i dont like being photographed which result in me having like 1 or 2 over used pictures whenever im asked for it.

it was mausam badal raha hai sick thing.......which i decided wasnt enough so i ate an ice cream and walked in the rain and honestly? i still dont regret. like we didnt evolve so much and build immunity and meds to never eat ice cream and walk in the rain, its like why are you all so against of small amount of joy left in life yk.......yes it was irresponsible i realise that sometimes i wonder how did i survive this long but here we are

it was a annual classes test of all the portion covered and honestly i cried during physics paper but surprisingly did well in it but chem took me down it was overall a decent score but mom didnt think so

about the whatsapp thing i feel like i ranted too much so i will minimize it as much as possible-

*clears throat*

it all started with this discussion where they sent a voice note and said numbers in hindi and i didnt understand which i admit is low key wrong on my behalf as i should know and some cousin younger han me said they dont get it and they were like you all english medium kids dont even know numbers in hindi and just generally making a mountain out of a mole hill and all these grown ass uncles criticising the baby and i was like why are you all pressed that your kids know english when you specifically wanted us to speak in english language only......like you were the ones who sent us to an english medium school so why pissed now yk and they are just a kid you all could have been gentle

and they were like when we were young we didnt have all these gadgets and the english medium schools and you all have and should be glad this doesnt answer the earlier thing i said but then do they ever discuss anything properly?

and i was like of course im glad of all the things ive been provided and im deeply thankful but isnt it the point? like you did it for us cuz you didnt have it i dont get your point like.....what do you wanna say? and we have gadgets cuz our dads and moms can afford it and bought it for us. while i acknowledge that it is a priviledge but like you all bought it for us and you cant get angry at us for using it??!

this is getting kind of long so i'll cut it short cuz yk whatsapp tea is never short

so it went to todays gen to tanishq ad to the dabur ad and it was CHAOS ie- them being misogynistic and homophobic

and i mb called out aunties too so 💀💀 idk i was just pissed and yes i rage quit the group cuz screw ya'lls good morning and shubh ratri texts mornings arent even good because i am awake so

anyways i think ive bored you enough but do lmk what you think and YES I WAS SOOO TIRED OF THE RSS CRAP LIKE OH MY FUCKING GOD FOR GOD'S SAKE STOP

also its nice to have you back too :)

~ 🧁

You never bore me.

We never have discussions over the Dabur Ad. We just pretend homosexuality doesn't exist. We do have lots of discourse about the tanishq ad though. The usual, "Ulta kar ke dikaho tab manenge." You know how it is.

I have, to a great degree lost my ability to read in Hindi. At least fluently. I do plan on buying some short story collections soon. I still remember the numbers because bhosdiwala 89 was always a pain in the ass. And yeah, they are just weird. You obsessed over us going to Private English Convent schools. You reminded us three times a week about how much work you did so that we could go to such schools. Ab kyun ro rahe ho.

I have a sinus thing, I get sick very easily. I am just very nazuk in general. But still ice-cream, is ice-cream, so obviously, I am not going to stop eating that.

I was using a photo from 10th class as the Dp on FB, before I deleted the account. I would love to photograph people and things in general but I just can't take a good picture to save my life.

Hope your mom is not too harsh on you, for the marks. Science hai yaar. Nobody does very well.

Have you joined any coaching?

I saw Sooryavanashi. My brain died. Papa's colleagues had organised the thing, it was a small hall. My ears. The movie was so loud. Also the theatre chairs absorb some sound. In that hall. Fuck. The movie sucked. I get that, it's a masala movie blah, blah, blah. But still, be decent at least. Singham was good because it was not trying to shove propaganda down our throats. Also, it had Prakash Raj, who was basically flawless. There are legit scenes in the movie where they just stop the plot to put out Twitter Bhakt rhetoric. Even if you ignore that, the whole plot in general is so dull and uninspired. The action sequences feel and look stupid.

So, overall horrible experience.

[lyzande]

ebarg thoughts - my swan song

just some shitty thoughts that I need to vent

I honestly don’t know how to start this, or what even to write. Where should I begin? How should I spin this tale? What will the ending be?

I’ve been struggling with formulating coherent thoughts over the last few weeks and months, and honestly, I can’t be fucked to start pulling myself together. Putting aside my academic obligations, thinking itself - in a logical, calm, and sensible manner - has become a huge burden. Even with the academic strain, I have struggled to perform and study up to the standards that I should be performing at. 

This year has been ridiculously tough on all of us. At the beginning of 2020, no one could have ever predicted the shitty predicament that we would be in, from the very first month of the year.

I have to say, it’s fucking shitty that I’m in this state of mind once again. I’ve worked so hard to pull myself together back in 2018, and honestly, I managed pretty well in holding myself together all throughout the year of 2019.

I suppose I should reflect on my mental state from the beginning. Honestly, I’ve been struggling with this bullshit internally for nearly seven years, by my most gracious estimate. Although, I hesitate in claiming anything since I have not been diagnosed or even talked to any mental health professional. But, you know, at the risk of misdiagnosis, I have done research, bounced ideas off of different sound boards, ie. the people who I value in my life, and their opinions thereabout.

Having established my fragile state of mind, things could only get worse by the end of 2017. In my third year of college, I was elected to be an officer of our mother org, which I had no experience in at all. It’s not a surprise that there were a lot of struggles that faced me, a lazy procrastinator with whimsical ideas about life who was suddenly handed the responsibilities of a secretary. I did my best, or so I’d like to think, but it wasn’t enough to meet the standards which I should have worked at. I failed. I’m not going to sugarcoat shit. I failed horribly. I tried to learn as best I can from my failures, and I’d like to think that I may have improved from that. 

At the same time, by the end of the semester, I had failed one of my subjects due to my own irresponsibility. I really don’t want to get into it but I accepted everything that happened. It was one of the only times that I broke down in school. I remember, 2017 was the year that two of my dearest friends saved me. To this day, I still love them unconditionally because at my worst, they were there, and at my best, they were the reason.

Anyway, fast forward to mid-2018, the end of our third year in college. By that time, I had lost my love for our org and had started spending more time with another. Although I did not neglect my duties, I had only given the bare minimum. I struggled with a few but our efforts were not enough to salvage the dumpster fire that was our responsibility. Again, I learned and I promised to never make the same mistakes again.

Enter our fourth year of college. It was the year where we had to finish our thesis, finish our internship and pass our other academic requirements in order to graduate. On top of that, I was appointed as the managing editor of our college paper. I was elected into the minor position of PIO within out college subcouncil. I was elected to be the President of our University’s student volunteerism organization. I don’t know if I’ve stressed this enough but I was not a responsible student. I resented my course. I chose neither Accountancy nor Accounting Management, and out of spite, I neglected my academics.

I struggled with juggling my other responsibilities on top of trying to have a social life. So it was a month into our fourth year that I tried to kill myself. I have already been actively selfharming for a few months by then, and it all peaked when I has one shitty night, and I drank a betsin cocktail of my own making. But I was stupid and I didnt have nearly enough to even give me a stomach ache. I probably should have gone for an overdose or something.

But to my shame, I didn’t die. I dont think anyone even knew what I attempted. I was lucky. A few weeks later, we had a team building activity, which I attended with some of my closest friends. They saved my shitty self again that day. For the first fucking time, i saw what I’ve been blind to for such a long time. I had people that actually fucking cared about me. I could not lose them. I’ve pulled my shit together. A friend made me promise to stop selfharming, and honestly, I was pretty good at keeping that promise.

Fast forward to mid-2019, I guess. My family had already decided I was going to be enrolled into law school. I’ve been struggling with the idea, I was willing but I wasn’t quite sure. Nevertheless, I pursued it. It was an amazing first sem, honestly. I met a lot of great people. I made a new family. We all went through the same struggles and joys. It was a whole new unique experience. By this point, I was in a pretty good mental state. I was stable. I made a promise to myself that I’d actually be making an effort, academically-speaking.

Of course, it wasn’t easy. On top of the already harsh standards demanded by law school, there were external stressors. Everyone has struggles in law school. Everyone had their own problems. These were mine: family expectations, distorted self-worth and self-view, struggling social life, and I was missing my first family - my closest friends.

Fast forward again to 2020, and holy shit. What a fucking year. It isn’t even over yet. Taal volcano exploded. Tried to help around in the ways I can. Still studying diligently. Then covid happened. Quarantine and lockdown enforced. That was a whole other struggle. Everyone had to adjust to learning on their own and thru online means. Still, it wasn’t too bad. We missed each other’s company but we managed somehow.

Having been in a stable headspace for the past n months, I decided to get back into the dating and social scene. Being the haliparot that I am, I made landi like it was going out of fashion. It was fun. Met a few people, got watered, figuratively speakin, y’all know what I’m saying? But then fucking shitty people making shitty decisions. Engineers are ghosters, y’all can’t change my mind. Engineer, if you ever read this for some reason, fuck you. (but if you want, I’m still head over heels for you, you shitty fucking fuck)

ANYWAY. Around July or August, my mom got sick. She struggled with her health. Those few weeks that she was out of commission was tough. She’s the only person working in our household, so we all depended on her income. I wanted to drop out and work, because I needed to help my parents. But I kept studying because sayang naman daw if I wasted my time. Im a full time student, being supported by my family. They wanted me to focus on studying. So I did.

Then about a month or so ago, my dad got sick. He can’t get up without getting dizzy. At first it was just blood pressure issues, which became blood sugar issued but now, apparently, it’s some fucking brain issues. My cousins have been covering the medical expenses and honestly, we’re struggling so fucking hard to live right now. I really want to drop out of school and work, just so we can have stable income but with this shitty situation we’re in? holy shit

the past few weeks have been a struggle. academic burn out. social burn out. i’ve been contemplating selfharm again. i want to die. my body is giving up on me. everything is hurting. i cant talk to any of my friends because im scare. i know i can rely on them but im so fucking scared. im becoming naother huge disappointment. im falling into a pit of my own making. i dont know what to do. i cant focus on my studies. im performing subpar. i need to support my family. my social life is dead. my heart is broken. im doing my best but my best right now? it’s worth shit.

im trying to pull myself together but i dont know where im at right now

im trying to reach out but i know how much people are also struggling and i dont wanna take away their time and effort

trying to look for work but im abrely qualified

constant headaches and body aches

my heart is still crying for him

my soul is condemned to eternal suffering

our society is falling apart

our economy is fucked

history is repeating itself

politics is bonkers

people are dying

i dont know what the shit is oging on

i want to die

i want to live

i want to survive

i miss my friends

i miss my fmaily

im tired

im so fucking tired

i dont know what to do

i just want to die

[oahumyheart]

on the 3rd i had surgery. it feels like such a  long time ago but it was only like 20 something days. that day itself was incredibly stressful and hard on me. so when the nurses took me to the operating room i remember the guy putting a mask on me and telling me to breathe deeply. i remember looking at the clock 8:27am and then next thing i remember im in recovery. but im incredibly thirsty!! and im still so weak and i keep telling the nurse who is with me “water, please im thirsty” but i could only whisper, when she finally heard me she gave me a cotton swab soaked in ice water. i tried waking up from the anesthesia myself but it was too strong so i fell back to sleep. i woke up in my hospital room and my mom and mardany are standing over me. i didnt’ feel good, my stomach hurt and i had to pee really bad. apparently my heart rate was really really high, its suppossed to be 90/100 but mine was 130/140. they wanted to transfer me to the cardiac department. they ended up giving me medicine in my IV to lower my heart rate and they also gave me anxiety meds. that seemed to help me becasuse my heart rate slowed down to normal range and i was able to get up and walk around and drink water. in the evening my dad and jocy came to visit me but i was still so out of it i just sat there. i remember crying to my mom and struggling to hug her. my emotions were just all over the place, i was sad and scared and emotional. i kept asking her “what did i just do? why did i do this to myself?”. then i started dry heaving super bad, like i would cough and try to throw up but there was nothing in my stomach to throw up. i didn’t sleep that night in the hospital because i kept dry heaving. i did that so much throughtout the night the next 4 days my chest, throat and neck were so sore. i even lost my voice! so my night nurse gave me medicine for naeusa and gave me some sleeping medicine so i can sleep. i ended up falling asleep on the chair. 

the next day (wednesday) i was able to go home in the afternoon. that night too i cried. unsure why i was really crying i hugged my mom and cried harder. looking back it was mostly pain from my scars and just feeling confused and scared. 

i was put on a liquid diet for 3 weeks. protein shakes, water, greek yogurt, and sugar free pudding i lived off of. i couldn’t stand the smell or taste of broth or jello. the liquid stage was so fucking hard! i smelled food and wanted to eat it but knowing i couldn’t i got so emotional at times. but i just keep reminding myself of the reward in the end, a good healthy body.

this week i was allowed to progress into the next stage, soft food. now i am able to eat tuna, eggs, cream of wheat, cooked veggies, cheese. omg on sunday i cried eating tuna hahaha it was my first taste of food in 21 days! and im so grateful i am able to hold down these foods and not get sick. 

ive been living with this for 3 weeks now, and ive handled this so good. i have only told sissy exactly what i had sugery for. none of my coworkers know, not even juan knows! and only select family members know as well. im just nervous to hear their response, im embarrassed i guess. so its this big secret. it sucks not really having anybody to confide in. ive gone through this experience alone basically. i dont have friends, or someone to text 24/7. im alone and ive been dealing with this alone. 

this month has been one of the most difficult times of my life. ive had to learn to eat again and giving my stomach time to heal. my scars still hurt and bother me on the right side. im not allowed to pick up anything more than 5lbs. so i sit at home feeling like a bum. i nap like 2 times a day and i took off 6 weeks off of work. so i go back the day after easter. and while at times i feel inadequate i realize my body is so fucking strong! it survived intense surgery, recovered and is managing. my body is fucking strong! im strong! as of today i have lost 80lbs. im so close to 100! after 100lbs ill celebrate, because that is amazing. but i have so much further to go. 

so whenever im in a mood i just remind myself that i went thru hell and survived. i survived and im getting healthier and stronger. and watch, by summer time ill be looking a motherfucking snack! ill be fucking glowing inside and out and i cant fucking wait! 

[tumblunni]

okay im gonna just try and write down all my damn pokemon i can remember from every generation fuck fuck i know i could never get ALL OF THEM cos it was at least 100 each gen but i can hopefully remember my main teams??

~ Sun and Moon Team ~

Pulcinella the male Primarina (Egotistical smarmy jerk-with-a-heart-of-gold celebrity boy) Herald the female Mimikyu (nice grandma + amateur newspaper reporter, sends them back to the other ghosts at the thrifty megamart) Charlene the female Golisopod (never really thought of a personality for her? I didnt originally intend to use her but then she was really good and i love golisopod’s design?? so i just named her randomly after charon cos wimpod is kinda shaped like his hair, lol) (i think maybe one of those cowardly characters who’s brave when she needs to protect her friends? like eduardo from foster’s home for imaginary friends) Suspenders the female Lurantis (stoic samurai type, but also very sweet, naive and a little ditsy. easily gullible to pulcinella’s pranks cos she just takes everything seriously with samurai honor.) Ampere the female alolan Raichu (sweet mom friend of the group, makes everyone pancakes and mitigates all the conflicts. you’d think herald would outrank her in mumsiness but she’s more like the eccentric grandma who encourages her kids to misbehave, lol) Sherbet the male Muk (super chipper cuddly little toddler type fella who luv and support he friends) (OH GOD i caught a shiny muk in bw2 and i was gonna say they were cousins and i was so excited to have them finally meet.. aaaa... T_T) (THE COUSIN IS NAMED NOUGAT AND HE IS ALSO A SUPER CHIPPER CUDDLY BABY AND NOW HIS WHOLE FAMILY IS FUCKIN DEAD) (god that gives him a plotline to differentiate him from his alolan version but GEEZ i didnt want it to happen like that...)

and honorary member Neopolitan the Kadabra who was on the team early on but got replaced with Charlene cos when SuMo first came out there was a dumb glitch that prevented kadabra from learning one move in its learnset and it was just STUCK WITH NO ATTACKING MOVES FOR 20 LEVELS GEEZ but neopolitan was still a supportive friend yes possibly personality like that monk robot guy from overwhetch?

also honorary member: that leavanny that my friend Beezah traded me and i spent ages training it up to level 80 to rematch her and i NEVER GOT TO DO IT I think his name might have been cedric?? or some other c name??

~ X and Y Team ~

Didnt really think of personalities for these ones or have any big attatchment to them, except that the game came out on my birthday by some strange coincidence. funny how we’ve gone from that to losing games on my birthday! the xy birthday was like the only time my birthday hasnt been GIANT MISFORTUNE in the last seven years, and the only time i managed to meet up with any irl friends and have some sort of a party. so i guess i’ll remember that fondly about XY even though the story was possibly my least favourite in the series.

Namaqua the male Greninja Jayus the male Aromatisse (named for an OC of mine at the time, who’s also my steam handle!) Dwedd the female Gourgeist (who was actually my most powerful pokemon in sun and moon competitive?? god im gonna miss her now)

and I’m seriously struggling to remember if there were any others :P

~ ORAS Team ~

I played both versions of this so my team was kinda huger? Still not super memorable as a generation, tho. one of the ones im least depressed about but more depressed than xy. but still depressed about all of them. AAAAA

York the female Blaziken Roquefort the female Swampert (a duo! i played with both of them as my starters cos i only played a little bit of alpha sapph before switching to omega rube for the main playthru. i just love tabitha!) (oh and they were named for some of my ocs at the time.) Wesley the male Charizard (actually got him in XY but never used him there) Seraphim the female Salamence (REALLY sad about this one cos she was a gift from my friend Zoe whom i’ve now lost contact with, same one who gave me the birthday party when xy came out, same one who traded me like EIGHTY OTHER POKEMON ACROSS ALL MY GAMES and LITERALLY SAVED MY LIFE ONCE and WAS AN AMAZING PERSON) Nick the female Gyarados (also traded from zoe. it was named after her fish who died :< I LET HER DOWNNNNNNNN) Tanka the female Gardevoir (just a shoutout to the one i had back when i first played the original rse as a kid, but lost along the way. it was also my username and the name of like forty different ocs for every fandom i had as a kid? i just thought it was a cool word. its the name of a type of poem i heard in class once) Pascal the female Ludicolo (Only one who i gave any sort of personality to. I kinda liked her so much she was more like my starter? i felt like she was a super chill badass. repurpose all those old chuck norris memes for pascal!) Lockjaw the female Banette and Hex the male Mismagius (actually pokemon i made as ocs for a team galactic fanfic i never wrote. usually i make pokemon ocs based on mons i caught, but these ones i went out and caught them to match the story. spent so long chaining mons to find a story-fitting nature for lockjaw that i stumbled onto a shiny shuppet along the way?? i was like “fuck but that isnt what i asked for, but i’ll take it anyway” XD) (oh and i named the shiny shuppet Chuckie) (oh and lockhjaw and hex were meant to be the rest of charon’s pokemon team to give him enough for a decent boss battle)

~ BW Team ~

Anotehr generation i didnt really enjoy? honestly there was a large gap between sinnoh and sun and moon where none of the main plots grabbed me. i still enjoyed the gameplay and the increased graphics for all the cool areas and stuff, tho! im just a plot lover so SuMo bumped the series back up from “just consistantly good” to “the best game ever” But strangely enough I did get really attatched to these guys, even if i didnt really think up personalities and backstories for all of them

Shogunkora the male Samurott (Back when i was in highschool i drank so much caffeine it was like a running joke i was ‘that cola kid’ so i just named my starter after a dumb attempt at ‘cola in a japanese accent’. Ugh, past-me!) (But Shogunkora was actually a casuality long before this! I lost him during the time i was transferring pokemon using a friend’s BW cartridge. I actually had to sell my BW game cos i was preparing to run away from my abusive parents and live in a homeless shelter. Thankfully i did indeed survive that! i had to pick on only one game to keep and of course it was sinnoh. But then i ended up losing the cartridge when i moved house and then finding it earlier this year and then causing me to buy bw2 and put the sun cartridge down and.. well, you know the rest.) Boku the female Leavanny (named as an in-joke cos my roselia was Ore in sinnoh. also a casualty who got lost in that hectic transfer.. alas...) Alviss the male Roggenrola (I was very fond of that pun. He managed to survive, and i even got to pet him in sun and moon! I miss him... gahh.. he survived so much and it was all for nothing...) Flint the male Lampent (i only just finally was able to evolve him in sun and moon, thanks to beezah’s help! i miss him tooooo... fuckkkk...)

~ DPPT Team ~

THE GOLDEN ONES god that was back when i was so extra into pokemon, aaa it legit helped me survive thru abusive dad times i got so atattched to sinnoh and all of these lil guys... fuckkkk...

Ore the male Roserade (Personality was like a cheerful and goofily oblivious typical shonen action hero, but like.. eight. He had a sad backstory where he was befriended by a kind old blind human back when he was a wild pokemon, and then some sort of tragedy burned down the forest and killed both that human and all of his family. And also burned off his hands. I mean, he’s a plant so he can grow those flowers back, but it was still super traumatic. So he took up his trainer’s sword in his burnt off hand stumps and promised to avenge him, and thus gained a magical girl style transformation into a human, somehow...??) (the theme for this party was ‘gijinkas’ and i thought it would be cool if there was a different reason behind it for everyone. he was the more magical type.) (oh and he really liked sandwiches) (oh and he was comic relief a lot cos he was a pokemon who turned into a human instead of vice versa. like ariel in the little mermaid where she combs her hair with the fork. HOW DOES HUMAN WORK) Mangos the female shiny Luxray (traded to me by another best friend that i lost touch with long ago, Clash. I miss her too, it sucks that now all i have is one well-protected drawing of an oc she gave me in high school to remember her by..) (anyway, Mangos fit into this random plotline by being the opposite to Ore. she was a human who got turned into a half-pokemon through an evil genetic experiment. And she balanced him out by being an ultra stern and serious mom figure. She was actually a policeman as a human, so she kicked a lot of ass!) (I know that this whole serious personality doesnt really fit with a name like mangos but shiny luxray looks like mangos) Zene the male Infernape (another shonen hero type comic relief guy?? but he was a teenager and comparatively buff, i guess? i didnt realize these two were so samey despite being opposite elements lol. i guess just the difference is that zene did more comic relief and ore did more cuteness factor) (he was also the least developed one in terms of backstory for being in this half-pokemon heroes team. I just knew that he was some sort of martial artist trainee who wanted to be the best, and that was still his goal after he got superpowers, rather than actually saving the world and all. he’d always recklessly get into fights and have no sense of danger, just HEY THAT THING LOOKS DEADLY LEMME PROVE IM DEADLIER) (oh but i did think way too much about how the law would work in this situation?? like, he was depressed and ended up joining this travelling group cos he got banned from the martial arts tournement he was in. having pokemon superpowers would put him at an unfair advantage.) (oh, i think actually his powers were just genetic or something? like it was a mystical power his whole family line had, but he was an orphan so he didnt know until he hit puberty and started breathing fire. but comedically he thought it was because he ate a magical riceball instead. “it was supernaturally yummy!”) Gaspar the male Haunter (Actually came from that one memorable trollish trade in sinnoh where that lady offers you a haunter and it doesnt evolve into gengar, DAMN YOU. i was determined to love him forever to spite her!) (oh and he eventually did evolve into gengar in xy due to a friend trade and me forgetting to tell her not to evolve him. i’d gotten really attatched to him as a haunter so i was sad for a while before realizing it was dumb and that i might have made my friend think i was mad at her?? thankfully we worked it all out!) (Gaspar’s gijinkaness was literally just... i Died.) (He was a human from the 1920s or something who died horribly and came back as a ghost to avenge his own death. but then after he avenged it he continued to exist, and he floated around aimlessly for a long time before learning to appreciate his second chance and form a new life and a new family. He was like the goofy sitcom dad of the team!) (oh, and he liked candy. i still maintain the headcanon that all ghost pokemon like sweet things!)

~ RSE Team ~

These guys actually were also part of my sinnoh team, but they originated from RSE. I didnt really get attatched to my pokemon in rse or gsc cos i was still salty over having my yellow cartirdge stolen and losing my starter raichu that i loved. TOOK THIS LONG FOR IT TO HAPPEN AGAIN, EH? *cries forever*

Reaper the male Sneasel (My honorary starter and oldest pokefriend. I miss him the most.. fuck..) (He was like.. kinda sirius black from harry potter? but teenage? and like.. trying to be serious? like, a total goober prankster loveable uncle figure but he wants everyone to think he’s a brooding dark antihero, and gets flustered whenever his true cuteness slips through. He looked like squall from ff8 except with dark skin and sunglasses??) (He was also someone who was a pokemon with human powers, instead of a human with pokemon powers. But he adapted a lot better to human society, he was just like.. pride at being wild? He hated the idea of being captured by a trainer, or now the idea of losing his true self and becoming like those humans he hated. So all his moments of failing to pass as human were more cos he refused to lower himself and do [insert normal thing here], rather than cos he was oblivious like Ore. But he actually did end up getting a soft spot for his trainer and becoming like a dad figure to her, like how mangos was a mom to ore and zene, and gaspar was the grandpa/dad to everyone in general. I had quite a complex set of relationships worked out for everyone!) (oh, and yeah, they had a trainer! cos i mean i was playing the game, of course they did. but it was more like the one token powerless human on a team of magical girls and boys. she just pretended to be their trainer so they could travel around pretending to be normal pokemon when necessary. and they were all bffs and protected her cos she didnt have parents. she was kind of a self insert..) (oh, and reaper’s backstory was that he was one of the shadow pokemon captured by team cipher, and then when he got rescued and purified it somehow gave him superpowers too or something. he was blessed by celebi and was like the chosen hero of that legendary. But he didnt wanna, he just wanted to use his new human feet to go buy booze and stuff XD) (i actually did get him in collosseum and he was my fave and best and i kept him forever and now he’s fucking gone) (fuck) Nether the male Sableye (Basically my oc Malachi?? its been all these years and i just suddenly recently revived his plot concept as his own character in his own original story. I hope maybe now i could do that with all the others in some way, so i dont forget them..) (he was all the same back then, down to dying from being bricked up inside a basement. except he became a magical gijinka instead of a more normal ghost.) (oh and this version had him as an adult instead of a child, and his personality was... vague? he started off as a loki-ish trickster and then was a complete jerk and then was the comic relief and then was a gym leader and blablabla. At one point he was even Reaper’s boyfriend, which is ridiculous now this character is a kid instead! (tho he’s still remained bisexual in honor of that) Funnily enough he was also Reaper’s sworn enemy gary oak rival at some point too!) (Basically he was the least developed personality-wise, so i dont feel bad that i changed him quite a bit as malachi. it doesnt feel like a change and more like i finally figured out what i originally wanted to do with him.)

~ RBY virtual console team ~

aaaargh only just got them and already lost them whyyyy

Chuppy the male Raichu (reincarnation of the first pokemon i ever got on my original Yellow cartridige, which got stolen because kids are ASSHOLES) (i cried for days and i feel like doing it again right now.. how little life changes...) Starlet the female Clefable Gumdrop the Nidoqueen

i didnt even have time to love you enouuuuughhh

i didnt love any of them enough aaaa

god this made me sad

but at least now i wont forget any of those memories

probably??

i dunno how to tag this so i dont forget

[eternallybroken7604-blog]

We have been up for 2 days. I accepted years ago that this has to be part of my life. He's a package deal. But I am so tired. I do it with him. Idk y. I don't enjoy it most times. But I'm also afraid and to sleep while he's up. I learned not to the hard way.... A part of me wants my life back. My before life. But I know it will be the fight of my life. And I'm not ready. I sometimes tell myself that this was God's plan. I believe that each of us have at least one person that they are mentally to impact in some way and set in motion a positive path. Or bring a lost soul to God. God made me strong and brought me this man. He had to put me thru it to equip me to be wha this man needs. Maybe I'm the only one capable of sticking this journey out with him and bringing him out other side with me. That's why my addiction is so odd. My husband gets locked up from time to time, and when he's gone, I don't do any dope, I smoke my weed. But with the dope, he does my shots, from start to finish. He twirls the bowl. I don't want to know how. I tried once, he got arrested at the end of an 8 month horrendous, traumatizing bender. Suddenly my person is gone and I've been up for weeks. I tried to do it myself. I had the audacity to tell him about it at visitation, because he has always hated doing my shots. He feels enough guilt over where my life is and where it was. He's scared that bnb if I die, he will go to prison. So I always take sure my prints are on it too. He's not ready to even see that he needs to change. I can see that it weighs on him sometimes. And he will want to do better. But then he has no way to stop the guilt, the pain, self hatred. The high and associated relief are his constant and a very erratic life. I'm aware of all this and more. I'm aware I could be completely wrong and he really is just a piece of shit junkiethat destroy a family by joining it. I can't even fault him for that. My kids adored him. And he them. He had a family finally. He was know where near ready to be a step dad. But he gave it an honest try. Then again maybe I just rrwa lly ne ed there to be a greater purpose beh9nd all this, losing my babies, my self respect, my family. Everything.

I can't hate him for being selfish and out for number one, it's all his life has really ever been. I can see what drives everything about h, I study him cause I have never met someone that level of addicted. I cant explain why his thought processes fascinate me, I have to study them til I understand them. Which is hard to do because it's so complex and I'm juggling moneyissues, homelessness, the hustle, him in general, and the dope. The more I learn him, the more pity I feel and I cant leave. I love him to a fault, but I am not ready to abandon him to his demons. He won't survive it with any sort of sanity. He would argue with me on that but it's the one thing I believe with no doubt, he does need me. I think he knows it deep down. He knows I'm 100% on his side. Even if he dont like how at times. He knows I'm real. Even if he tells u I'm not. It's like his pride and years of telling me in so inferior refuse to allow him to recognize anyachievements, no matter the size. I know this but I forget every time we fight, cause it's his defense mechanism with me, it's about the only thing that works. He will reach I to the depths of cruelty and verbally destroy me. He knows what hurts me too. He has left scars that will never go away. I will never forget his eyes and voices and the feeling of my own pain at things he has said. My first husband beat me, that's not how u hurt me. The act of being able to hurt me, that really hurts. My now husband has gotten physical a few times. I cant hate him for it long because I see how much he hates himself for it. But that pride tho, he wont apologize verbally, but he will show me best he can that he's sorry. He knows I deserve better. He went thru a phase where all the blame was put on me for not leaving when it first started, woth the dope and us losing the kids. I tell myself I pushed him too far. It's no excuse I know. But I know how much weighs on him daily, and when substances are u introduced, well I am the embodiment of a large portion of his pain and stress and guilt. I forgive him because I know he's not mentally able to deal with all that and day to day life without help. To stubborn to ever agree with me but I just k ow I'm right. Cant explain that but it's never led me wrong. I shoulder as much as he will let me. And getting high and drunk and my mouth can sometimes push him too far, exacerbates things.

I knew he was a 'recovering' addict when we met. But he only smoked weed when I met him. I thought all that was his past. I didn't mind weed. I didn't personally smoke when we met. I was a divorced mom to 3. We were all finally happy and stable after my horror of an ex-husband. Idk y I fell in love with this man. But I did. He was my first serious relationship in the 2 years since. I never even missed sex, I wasn't lonely. I didn't miss that kind of love until...I was reminded.

8 mos later, we have a place together with my kids. Then a neighbor moved and offered my husband dope. He hid it for a little bit. But I picked up on his different behaviors and made him tell me. Then I wanted to smoke some too. I'd heard of Meth. But I grew up very sheltered by a pill head. I didnt know that when this gorgeous man told me he used to be an addict that he meant thousands of dollars and many hears of hardcore IV drug use. Herion, bar salts. His drug of choice was simply, more. He named his addiction Maria. He needed that relief so badly that once he discovered its power to 'fix' things, he personified his addiction. Maria has been his stability. Shes lways there when everyone else let's him dow. I can understand the desire not to feel. So badly u wanna die. But I was raised different. U can be weak, but dont stay weak. .

But by the time I realized that he didn't recover from his addictions, he fled his former home state and had no access to those things here. He was big on the run big ti.e qhen we met. Hes a hardened city boy. I'm a small town countrygirl. He let me smoke with him. A week later, hes got a needle. I have never seen a pill snorted. I wanted him to let watch him and he did. Seeing the man I love so in thrall to drugs, it broke my heart for him. Women pray to God to see a man look at them with that look. His addiction borders worship. As I write this we are also high with a few friends, he just finished fixing his shot and has decided to ask them to film him. I cant keep going. Thats bothers.me and ill to tore up now to try to figure out my feelings. So I'll wrap this up. My emotions are going every where and I really hate him like this. I hope he watches his video and hates himself. I love him and wint leave him to feel all that guiltalone, that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve to feel most of it. God knows I feel my fair share. I promise myself one thing, I will not live like this forever. I'll keep looking for my way out. I'll keep praying for strength to leave. Or for God to open his eyes. I know better than to preach too much at him. He usually shuts down as soon. as he realizes what I'm saying. But I still try. He doesn't know it yet, cause he has never felt it before, but I love him enough for this. I will win this fight. Even if he hates.me in the end. (Forgove any typos, I'm intoxicated and when I get adamant about a topic, I type too fast)

[imogcns-blog]

aiiight highkey should b studying for my midterms but i prolly wnt hve time to post dis later so here i am ! my name’s mary nd i’m 19 going on 20 dis wednesday ! i’m super stoked to b here so hmu if u want to plot or [ youtber vc ] give this a thumbs up ! i’ll get bck to y’all nd probs bulldoze my way into ur ims

imogen was raised p much as a doll ? from the start her whole life was planned out for her . her mom had been a v successful model nd actress But ended up leaving that life after she got pregnant w her . 

so u could say she made imogen her life project ? imogen’s dad is all about the $$$ so he rlly didnt care bout what his wife did ( their marriage as an arranged one )

imogen has been behind a camera all her life .��she’s modelled as a baby for anything her mom thought was gud enough 4 her nd then moved on to being a child actress

surprisingly she had a knack for dis ? she hated modelling but acting ? it was right down her alley bc that’s p much what she did 24/7 . her mom saw her as a mini her nd her dad saw her as a tool to get money so she learned to mask her feelings 

there was no point in crying when she fell bc no one was gnna b there to help so she just dusted herself off nd moved on . she’s a lone wolf 

[ domestic violence & abuse tw ] anyHow imogen grew up hving to learn to read other people . her dad was a v violent man w a horrible temper so mistakes were never allowed . reading him was a survival tactic . she had to know when to avoid him or she’d end up bruised all over nd that man was v good at knowing how to hide his tracks . he never once hit her in a place that would rise suspicion or couldn’t b covered by her clothes 

her mom was the one that got the short end of the stick as she never once gave up believing that one day he’d love her . she was a hopeless romantic nd had deluded herself into believing that that’s how he expressed his lov

okay moving forward

imogen grew up in a v messy household constantly surrounded by camera nd pretending to b this perfect family nd she absolutely hated it 

acting was the only thing that kept her going till she got tired of it nd became numb . she couldnt feel anything nd went thru life bored af until she discovered gambling

at first it was smth innocent but she got hooked . gambling bcame her everything it made her feel in control in power nd the adrenaline rush was addictive 

what she didn’t predict was getting into a huge ass debt nd having to start gambling w the money she’d gotten thru her acting career . at first evrything was dandy but when her father found out he raised Hell . they got into a huge fite nd sent her here !

all in all ... imogen is just desperate to feel smth . she lit craved the adrenaline that gambling provides her bc it makes her feel alive . she’s v guarded nd tends to prefer silence over chatter but she’s not above pretending to like someone just for the amusement of it . she’s got no bounds nd is willing to risk anything nd everything just to feel like she’s not dead 

[queenl-blog1]

My real feelings on how i feel bout trump n his voters

Look... There is ppl who like trump (i dnt clearly understand why.. ) n ppl who dont... Trump is president.. it is what it is... I have to js deal w. It bc i didnt vote... Why i didnt vote? Bc i didnt wanna pick one less evil... n i didnt wanna waste my time voting for others or writing in when i kno americans population is 95 % stupid... Anyways, ppl dnt like trump, hes a racist prick n yall can post all the memes you want trying to back him up so you think js maybe our opinion on him will change js a tad but but guess what its not? Bc i will never like someone whose selfish.... so there is no point on wasting your damn time bc you kno what i still dnt like him... n plenty of others wont either... HES PRESIDENT...you won. But ppl still dont have to like the guy... you say your sick of the negativity about what ppl say bout trump n your gonna delete us GO AHEAD. We're negative? Hes a negative president. Whattf do you expect? Yall wanna compare obama n trump w/ the whole muslim thing...yea yea obama banned muslim refugee for 6 mnths n yall wanna say its hypocrisy...sooooo when did obama get brought up in the convo? Who cares what obama did. I mean he fckd up the militarys health insurance so i could careless if yall bring him up...but he still will n did better than trump will ever do... n i still liked n prefer obama than trump. Thas something obama gonna have to live for that 6 mnths he didnt let those refugees in those lives that died is on his hands.. its tough to be in charge of a country BUT he did let them in after that...n saved plenty of em..trump on the other hand is gonna have to deal w. A lot of death in his hands not js banning the muslims lives for enternity but hes gonna deal w. The lives of our neighbors if he does acheive building that wall n so as many americans who voted for him bc yall selfish... selfish of a land that dont even belong to you...speaking of that. Pipeline in dakota? Seriously? Yall already took their whole land now you wanna take whats left of what the natives got..destroy whats left of what they got of a culture n now they feel like any of there rez's can be touchable regardless if they have a law saying they land isnt? Smfh. Yes i completely understand im american n completely understand im half white but i understand im half filipino. I may have never step foot in PI but im humble to kno what my ppl went thru in order to survive or at least try to. N i also realized how blessed to kno how good i have it here in america bc i have a roof over my head, i dnt have to walk miles to fetch water, butcher a cow, or sleep on the floor. BUT americans dnt understand that goes for most countries besides ours...most countries live in poverty like this, ppl are dying bc either terrorist in there own land, sick bc they never get better from the common flu, they immune systems so weak, starvation, etc. But we have cars, houses, hospitals, schools etc, we live the good life, we are spoiled so yall dnt know how to share. Yall go to restaurants cant simply wait 5 mins to be seated or treat the waiting staff like shit js bc you feel obligated to. Yall simple feel to good to walk to the store js to fetch to get some bread bc you got cars. Yall throw your empty jack in box bag n shit all over the parking lot in the apts bc yall kno the illegal gardeners that we have will pick it up n maintain to keep our home clean bc yall too lazy to get a job like that but wanna get rid of em. But you kno what? When yall die, those pearly white gates won't be opened to you...jus remember. So you know what keep treating us like shit. Bc God is gonna make sure the selfless will enter those gates, bc remember we all brother n sisters regardless of what pigment color we have. N i ashamed for the half breeds n totally forgot where there ancestors came from..whi forgot what they moms n dads went thru. Shame on you. I js dnt understand why us minorities are so hated...im started to think bc our culture involves more than mcdonalds french fries, n beers. Js remember all this the next time, you bite into a taco, frybread, have some chicken curry, lumpia, an egg roll n so many more.... n yet you have many friends of different races but you dont even think how we got here...smfh peace thas my rant