#through tears this was the first time i ever saw mcr live and it was somehow more incredible than i expected even after a year of hype

[on-this-day-mcr]

On this day, March 13

In 2023: My Chemical Romance performed their 63rd show of the 2022-2023 Swarm tour in Meeanjin (Brisbane), Australia. At this show, an unreleased song (titled "Eagles" on the paper setlist) was performed for the 7th time ever, with new lyrics. Gerard Way wore a dark grey skirt suit and white shirt, and "Everything Under Control" was written on the drums. (🖤)

Watch the show here!

@trashandglitter

[kerstuhn]

wwwy was something i always dreamt of going to. i saw the first lineup for 2022 and was in awe and genuinely couldn’t believe it was real (it was around this time when i was recovering from a cardiac arrest and had completely missed mcrs uk tour and knew there was no chance of seeing them live). i stayed up to watch the streams to see the outfits and it was incredible.

i watched again last year for blink-182 who i was fortunate enough to see live. and when this years lineup was announced with not only fall out boy (my all time favourite band ever) but my chemical romance playing all of the black parade i knew there was no chance i could miss it.

the two years of fomo were rough and since i was fit and healthy again i knew i had to go. now one week post wwwy i cry whenever i think about it.

these are tears of joy, pride, and strength. welcome to the black parade was my favourite song as a child and that album followed me all through my preteens and throughout high school. and for where i lived that sorta music during that time was really outcasted. it was hard finding people with similar tastes in highschool and earlier but through festivals and concerts and even online, i have been able to find communities and places where i feel accepted.

when i had my cardiac arrest there was so much put against me and the doctors saw my case as a genuine miracle and even today it still baffles me as to how im here. sitting here knowing ive heard this album that tackles the subject of dying due to your body losing a battle and subsequently losing strength and energy but regaining it through the acceptance of death is surreal.

i never related to that album before a couple years ago as much as i do right now. having been so close to death and teetering over the edge makes the messages in this album all so real. dead!, cancer, famous last words, welcome to the black parade are few songs from that album that solidify and truly validate my experiences.

the black parade as an album has made me feel seen in so many different ways throughout all stages of my life. i can happily say i wouldn’t be here without it as cliché as it sounds. wwwy regardless about how some may feel about the concept and planning of the festival made me feel like i can achieve so much more than what is expected of me.

people thought i was mad going 5000+ miles to see this band and i was but considering i have died i don’t think it’s that bad !

[lexosaurus]

I Love You

My fic for day 5 of DP Side Hoes Week (yes I’m a day behind). 

Character: Jazz Theme: Hospital

This oneshot exists within my Everything Was White fic series [ao3]. You do NOT have to be following Everything Was White to understand this fic, this one exists as a prequel in the timeline and I give enough context in the text for anyone to be able to understand it. 

Okay, enjoy!

---

Jazz sat on the armchair, her gaze blank. Hazy. She hadn’t moved since she sat down some time ago. Time moved without reason, and she wasn’t sure how long it had been. Her back hurt and her lips were chapped, but she hardly noticed her discomfort.

The only thing that mattered was the person laying on the bed before her.

The person she hardly recognized.

Four weeks. That’s how long he had been missing from their lives, that’s how long the Guys in White had him. Twenty-eight days on the dot.

She could never forget his eyes as he was dragged out the door. They were wild, desperately staring down their parents who were both pinned down by government agents with guns trained to their heads. He screamed, struggling against his captures. 

But it wasn’t enough. 

Because in the end, he was thrown in the back of a white van. All while Jazz stood on the stairs doing nothing. 

She should have freed him. She could have helped. But she was too weak. 

Too weak.

Her eyes stung, and she wanted to cry. Break down. Sob. But she had already used up her stock of tears hours ago, when she finally saw him for the first time since he’d be transferred out of critical care.

He was frail, tiny. Nothing but skin and bones. His body was scarred, torn, encased in gauze and casts. Doctors fluttered about, talking in hushed tones as they analyzed her brother’s body. They tried not to show it, but Jazz knew they were baffled by him.

There was talk about his injuries. He hadn’t woken up yet, at least not completely, but Jazz was already told of the more...drastic injuries.

The Y scar on his chest.

The paralysis.

The starvation.

No one knew what the permanent effects were going to be. No one knew how he was going to fair once he woke up. But there was one thing they all knew for certain, a truth that none of the Fentons had said out loud yet: 

Danny was not going to be the same anymore.

She crumbled, allowing her head to fall into her hands. Apparently, she still had more tears to give. A sob tore its way from her throat, pulling with it a wave of emotions that Jazz had just spent the last few hours desperately trying to repress.

She was tired. So, so tired. And yet, this nightmare refused to end.

“Danny, I—I’m so sorry.” Jazz’s voice was raw. The naked truth was hanging right there in front of her, the consequences of her complete failure. 

She should have been there for him during the ghost fight. The one between him and Skulker that ultimately led to his revelation right there high in the skies in front of the entire town. She could have helped him.

She should have known the Guys in White would then come surround their house and take him.

She should have tried harder to find him and break him out of the government compound. They tried so hard, but they couldn’t find the stupid building.

She should have practiced her questions better in court. Maybe then the jury would have decided sooner. She could have gotten him released before he was hurt so bad.

“I’m sorry.”

He didn’t respond.

“I love you so much, Danny. I’m so sorry.”

He didn’t respond.

---

“You alright there, son?” Jack asked. He tried to smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

It didn’t seem to matter. Jazz doubted Danny even heard their father’s question. She was honestly questioning if he even realized they were in the room.

His eyes wandered around the room as if he were still trying to take in the walls of the hospital. He woke up four days ago, and yet every day had been the same blank wandering gaze. 

Jazz hoped it was just the pain medication the hospital was giving him. She desperately clung onto the belief that her brother would snap out of it one day and would come home and he would be back to normal.

Back to how he was before.

“Your mother and I are going to meet with the surgeon.” Jack put an arm around Maddie, pulling her into his side. 

Her face was white, streaked with red as if she’d been crying recently, and the bags under her eyes had never been so pronounced. But Jazz couldn’t blame her. After all, she probably looked more or less the same.

“Stay with Danny, alright? We’ll come grab you after.”

“Sure, Dad,” Jazz said, putting on a smile she hoped was comforting.

Her mother muttered something that Jazz didn’t catch, and then both parents were gone. 

And Jazz was alone. With Danny.

Again.

She turned back to face him. The doctors had said that he’d sustained significant brain damage, and they weren’t sure yet how much communication he would be able to do. He was too drugged up still, too out of it. 

He couldn’t speak, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t understand her.

Or maybe that was her hopeful side talking again. She shouldn’t get her hopes up. She would only be hurt in the end.

“Hey, Danny,” Jazz tried. Her voice was thin. Dry. She tried to wet her lips and spoke again. “I don’t know if you can hear me, but I hope you’re comfortable. If you were wondering, you broke your spine. I mean, I’m sure you already knew that but—” Her voice cracked. “—you know. That’s why you, um, might be uncomfortable right now. It’s the brace.”

He didn’t respond. He didn’t even look at her.

Just continued staring at the ceiling.

Jazz wondered if anything was going through his mind. If he had any questions. She would if she were Danny. 

She tried to imagine the sort of things he would say. His voice, crackling through the throes of puberty, as he poked fun at her in that annoying way only a brother could accomplish. She tried to envision a world where he could still do that.

And she tried not to think about the fact that there was a good chance that she’d never hear his voice again.

“Your SCI was incomplete, you know. So there’s still a chance…” Jazz shook her head. 

There she was getting hopeful again. 

“Everyone really missed you, Danny. I—I really missed you.”

He blinked slowly. In her imagination, Jazz heard him say “I missed you too.”

“I love you.”

He didn’t respond.

---

“What band are we in the mood for today?” Jazz asked, scrolling through her playlist.

Danny was starting to come to. He seemed to be able to hold eye contact, albeit not for very long, and his minute facial expressions showed at least some understanding of what was happening around him.

Although, he still hadn’t spoken yet.

Jazz glanced brightly down at him. Now that she knew he was conscious of her presence, she couldn’t afford to show up at the hospital in sweats with her tear-stained face anymore. She had to be there for him. She had to be strong.

Maybe she had been too weak to help him before. Maybe back then, she had failed him.

But she would be damned if she wasn’t strong enough to help him now.

“What do you think? MCR? Blink-182?” she asked. “I got these band names from Sam, by the way. So if she lied to me about what music you listen to now, don’t blame me.”

Danny just stared at her with his owl-ish expression.

“Here, if you want, you can choose.” Jazz held her phone screen out in front of him, watching as his eyebrows scrunched up ever so slightly as he gazed up at the screen.

Jazz felt her smile falter for a split second before she pulled her phone away and straightened herself up on her chair.

She had to be strong.

“It’s okay, I’ll just choose one.” She tapped the screen and set her phone down. 

The sound of over-compressed guitars filled the tiny bluetooth speaker on the windowsill, and Jazz beamed down at Danny, waiting for that tiny flicker of recognition to hit his face.

And, to her delight, some of the fog in his eyes momentarily lifted. He looked over to Jazz as if he were seeing her for the first time, the shock and disbelief seeping through the blank slate that was his expression.

Jazz was hardly able to keep the glee out of her voice. “You like it?”

His eyes flickered between Jazz and the bluetooth speaker. Back and forth again before settling back on the ceiling.

“Well, I’ll have to thank Sam for the recommendation later! She can’t wait to see you, you know. The doctors are only allowing family in your room right now, but maybe next week if you’re feeling up to it, Sam and Tucker can stop by. I don’t want to make any promises right now, but you never know.”

Danny’s eyes slowly traveled around the ceiling.

“Are you thirsty?” Jazz asked. “Hungry? Well, you’re probably not hungry. Doctors have been monitoring your nutrient intake a lot. I’m glad, too, because you have some color in your face again.”

His eyes shut, and a content smile twitched on his face.

Jazz couldn’t remember the last time he’d looked so peaceful.

“I love you, Danny.”

He didn’t respond. 

---

Danny was home now. That should have been a good thing. 

It should have been.

And it was. In so many ways, it was wonderful having him home again.

But in so many other ways, it wasn’t.

Jazz had been under some illusion that once he made it home, things would go back to normal. Sure, he would be in a wheelchair until his PT started, and he might not be able to turn into a ghost for a few weeks either, but her brother would be home. 

Except, Danny never came home. Physically, he did. But mentally he was still trapped somewhere far away.

He was talking now at least. He’d started talking the week before he’d left the hospital. He wasn’t able to speak in full sentences, at least not without pausing, and he wasn’t able to really understand long sentences either, but this was a start.

Jazz wanted to hope that things would get better, but hope was a dangerous drug.

After all, even though he’d started speaking again, he still refused to talk about what happened to him. Anytime Jazz would try to bring the conversation up, he’d clam up and close off for the rest of the day.

And that hurt. It hurt so bad. She so desperately wanted to be there and support him, to help him talk through the trauma he’d experienced, but he just didn’t want to.

But that was okay. It had to be okay. She had to be strong.

She stood in front of his door, pausing only to compose herself before knocking.

He didn’t acknowledge her knock, but Jazz wasn’t expecting him too. He was trying to isolate himself, and Jazz wasn’t going to let him.

She’d already failed him once. 

“Good morning, Danny!” Jazz bursted into the room, her voice chipper despite the fact that she hadn’t slept last night.

She doubted that Danny did either.

Danny was lying on top of his comforter, already dressed. Their mom must have gotten him situated before shutting herself down in the lab.

Their parents seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

“Come on, get up. I come bearing an activity!”

“Too early,” Danny grumbled.

Jazz ignored him, sauntering into the room brandishing a large, easy piece jigsaw puzzle she’d just ran out to buy that morning.

It was hard to find one for kids that wasn’t either a princess castle or a race car scene. Fortunately, the store had one on sale that had colorful, cartoon baby ghosts covering the image.

“Either you get up, or I drag you up. Either way, you’re doing this puzzle with me.”

“Puzzle?” Danny asked.

Jazz tried not to stare as he struggled upright, only swooping in to set his pillows upright behind him. “Yeah, puzzle.”

She set the box down in front of him, pulling off the lid and revealing the large pieces in front of him.

“That’s...so Boring.”

“Well, the doctors still want you avoiding screens for a little while longer. I figured this was better than staring at the wall.”

Danny eyed the box, his face impassive. 

“Here, wait.” She went out into the hallway, grabbing a large piece of cardboard from the wall. “I brought something to make the puzzle on. Figured it would be easier than the mattress.”

“Okay.” He picked up one of the pieces, inspecting it slowly as if he couldn’t quite figure out what it was.

“So…” Jazz plopped herself down on the mattress next to Danny and put the cardboard over their laps. “What do you think we should do first?”

Danny gazed blankly down, his eyes trailing between the cardboard and the puzzle piece in his hand. He blinked, and then put the puzzle piece down on the cardboard.

“Okay, we can start with that one!” Jazz chirped.

“No…” Danny ran his hand through his hair. “No that’s not...need to sort.”

“Oh?” Jazz grabbed another piece from the box. “So what should I do with this one then?”

Danny gazed quizzically over at Jazz, grabbing the piece to inspect it. “Edge,” he finally said, setting the piece down on the opposite side of the board from the first piece.

“So we’re sorting the edge pieces from the regular pieces?” 

Danny hummed, grabbing another piece from the box.

“Sounds like a good plan!”

They worked together in near silence after that, Jazz only stopping every so often when she could feel Danny’s attention slipping to ask him to help her sort a piece. It was almost cute how determined he was to complete the task correctly. It almost reminded Jazz of the quiet determination that would slip onto his features in the moments just before he transformed into Phantom. 

Solving the puzzle was a whole different beast. If Jazz were honest, she wasn’t sure if they would have been able to finish in one sitting. Danny still tired far too rapidly throughout the day, and he still slept for more hours than he was awake.

But finally Danny snapped the last piece into place, completing their simple blob ghost picture.

“Nice job!” Jazz put her hand up for a high five.

Danny blinked, slowly processing the motion, before his brain caught up and he gave a little smirk, a tiny eye roll, but met Jazz’s hand all the same.

She put the cardboard with the now completed puzzle on the floor before sitting back against the fluffy pillows. Breathing out, she allowed herself to sink back into the cushions for just a moment.

She was so tired. 

Her brain swirled, and she wanted to sink deeper into the darkness. But she couldn’t. She wasn’t allowed to.

“Are you asleep?” Danny asked.

“No.”

“Oh. Okay.”

A quiet trepidation settled over the pair. Jazz could feel the unspoken questions hanging in the air like forbidden fruit ripe for picking. But the apples were just out of reach, and she knew the branches wouldn’t sink lower until Danny was ready. 

But he had to come home first. He would never be ready to tell her what happened until he finally came back to them. And Jazz didn’t know how long that would take.

“I love you,” Jazz said.

Danny didn’t respond.

---

Thanks for reading!

[transkingoryx]

i don’t love you

Pairing: Janus/Virgil, but only for like half the fic

Wordcount: 629

Summary: Virgil leaving the Dark Sides. the song the fic is based off of is I Don't Love You by MCR. anxceit breakup but that’s not really the main focus.

Other notes: this originally started out as a vent fic about janus struggling with lying all the time and virgil getting sick of it and leaving, but i cut out most of the original fic then somewhere along the line turned it into a songfic so i ended up with this trainwreck instead. there's still a couple sentences from the first draft in here, those are the parts about janus feeling a weird pressure and forcing himself not to tell any lies at all.

Taglist: @definitely-a-living-human let me know if you want to be added or removed!

----

Well, when you go,

Janus had known for a long time that Virgil was going to leave him someday. He saw the way the anxious side stared longingly at the Light Sides and their interactions, and the way he tried to keep Janus away from them for as long as he could (Janus obliged him, of course. He always did.)

So it shouldn’t have been a surprise when Virgil sat down with him and said he wanted to leave the Dark Sides to join Morality, Creativity, and Logic.

Janus always knew he was going to lose Virgil,

He just didn’t expect it to be so soon.

So never think I’ll make you try to stay

“Okay.” Janus nodded, his throat suddenly dry.

“Okay?” Virgil repeated, looking at him suspiciously. “That’s it? You’re just going to let me go?”

“Of course I am, stormcloud. I won’t force you to somewhere you obviously don’t want to be.” He’d had to say ‘obviously’, hadn’t he? It wasn’t like that changed the entire meaning of his sentence or anything. Now he was insinuating that Virgil had never wanted to be with Janus, and in a worst-case scenario, Virgil would interpret it as his usual sarcasm and get defensive.

And maybe when you get back, I’ll be off to find another way

“Wow, okay. It’s not like I willingly spent the last twenty years of Thomas’s life with you guys. It’s not like I stopped you from enacting the increasingly desperate plans you cooked up day after day. All that, and it still isn’t enough for you?” Virgil said sharply.

“It is! That came out wrong, I just...” Janus choked on his words, a sudden pressure making him trail off.

“Silver tongue failed you? Or are you just too scared to lie to me?”

Fight or flight, Janus remembered. Virgil had clearly chosen both.

When after all this time that you still owe, you’re still a good-for-nothing I don’t know.

“It’s not that, Virgil. I wouldn’t lie to you,” Janus pleaded.

“You wouldn’t lie to me? I thought you were Deceit- good for nothing besides lying and manipulating!” A hint of Virgil’s Tempest Tongue began to leak into the words, adding to the tension in the room. The shadows in the corners writhed and stretched, clawing for Janus.

“I...” Janus’s hollow sadness was coalescing into something harder and darker.

Rage.

“Just leave already! That’s what you came to do, isn’t it?” He shouted, ignoring the pressure still building on his tongue, sticking to the truth even though he was just itching to tell a lie. He didn’t need to complicate things more.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you’d appreciate a goodbye! What did you want me to do, leave a note on your door saying ‘hey, I don’t want to be the villain anymore, and also I don’t love you’?”

So take your gloves and get out, better get out, while you can

“I don’t care!” Janus snapped. “I don’t! You should have left the damn note, instead of coming here looking for a fight. Take your stuff, and get out of here! I don’t ever want to see you again.”

“The feeling is mutual,” Virgil hissed. He shouldered his backpack, and stormed towards the door.

When you go, would you even turn to say,

Virgil sunk out the second he passed through the doorway, and if he looked back, Janus never saw. He was staring hard at the opposite wall, willing the tears gathering in his eyes not to fall

But for all his efforts, fall they did.

I don’t love you, like I loved you yesterday.

Janus knew he had messed up.

Virgil knew he would never go back.

And they were both more miserable than they’d ever been in their lives.

[robinrunsfiction]

A Long Way Back - Part 1 of 2

Pairing: Gerard Way x Female Reader

Rating: General

Requested By: Anon

Word Count: ~7,900 total, ~3400 in part 1

Author’s Note: This request asked for current Gerard with a singer who is younger and to be honest, I started this request immediately when I got it, but I’ve been picking it up and putting it down on and off since then. I was inspired by His Smile Will Keep You Safe by @xxfanfiction-emo-trinityxx and I Know I’ll Lose by @sunsetinmyvein ​and while this story is nowhere near as long as their stories, I hope that you guys enjoy it regardless. I’ve also thrown together a playlist if you’re interested as well

“We are Garden of Woe and don’t you ever forget it! Thank you Milwaukee!” (YN) shouted as the band hit their final notes and the lights went out. The crowd was cheering and (YN) felt that addicting mix of adrenaline and exhaustion that she always felt after an amazing show.

“That show was sick!” Liam the guitarist raved and (YN) nodded enthusiastically as she took a swig from her water bottle on the way backstage.

“Hey guys, great show as usual,” their manager Clark grinned when they walked in the dressing room. “Can I get your attention for a second?”

(YN) looked at her bandmates, a look of confusion shared amongst them. “What’s going on?”

“I didn’t wanna tell you guys before the show and have yall be in your heads, but” he paused. “You’ve been asked to open for My Chemical Romance on their US reunion tour.”

(YN) thought she was about to either faint, puke, or die on the spot. “Clark don’t fuck with us.”

“I’m not fucking with you.”

“Oh my god, this is, oh my god,” Jake the drummer muttered, a far away look in his eyes as Rebecca the bass player just stood there with a shocked look on her face.

(YN) sunk down on the couch, legs unable to support her anymore. “I had just hoped to get tickets to one of those shows,” she said with an astonished laugh, holding her head in her hands.

“Well if you accept, you’re gonna be going to every show, getting paid to be there, and getting more exposure than you ever could dream of,” Clark replied.

“I think I speak for everyone when I say hell yes!” Liam exclaimed, the rest of the band agreeing instantly.

“Then it’s settled, I’ll get in touch with their management tomorrow morning and you better get ready because you’re about to go on a wild ride.”

~

To (YN) it felt like an instant and an eternity at the same time before Garden of Woe departed for the first stop of the MCR reunion tour. A lot of buzz had been building around their band since it was announced that they, along with Taking Back Sunday for the first half of the tour and Crystal Lake Cemetery for the second half, would be opening the shows.

“Are you so stoked Becs? Are you? Are you?!” Liam shouted, shaking Rebecca’s shoulders excitedly as their bus rolled down the highway.

“If you keep doing that I’m going to barf on you,” Rebecca snapped back. 

Everyone’s nerves had been on edge since Clark had told them the news and arguments had been erupting about things like the setlist, or what their merch would look like, and the tension only seemed to grow the closer they got to the start of the tour. Rebecca wouldn't even return (YN)'s calls for a week over a debate about what they should be wearing on stage. 

“Oh my god Liam, I say this with all the love in the world, but please shut the fuck up,” (YN) muttered.

Liam, with his endless energy, bounced across the tour bus to where (YN) was sitting and climbed onto her lap. “You! This is literally what you’ve been talking about since you were 16 years old! This is why we formed Garden of Woe, why we’ve been struggling and starving for a decade!”

“I know, but you’re never gonna see the stage if you keep bugging everyone like this,” (YN) retorted to her friend in her lap.

“What are you gonna say when you finally meet them?”

“Will we even meet them?” (YN) asked, trying to sound aloof. She had been trying not to think about actually meeting the band that she had been obsessed with and saved her life when she was a depressed teenager back in 2004. When she and Liam founded Garden of Woe, she modeled her stage presence on Gerard’s after watching hours of live performance videos. When My Chem announced they were getting back together back on Halloween 2019, (YN) cried tears of joy for hours and they did an extra encore of just MCR covers at their show that night.

“We’re gonna be on the road with them for two months, of course we are,” Jake replied.

(YN) groaned. “I can’t deal with this right now,” she grumbled, pushing Liam off her before climbing into her bunk.

A while later Clark was calling her name to come out as they had arrived at the first venue. “Alright, here is the itinerary: you guys have soundcheck at 5:30, doors are at 6:30, you’re on at 7:30. After your set, you should get to the main merch booth to sign things for the fans, but you can watch Taking Back Sunday and My Chem if you’d prefer. Then two hours after My Chem finishes, we load back in and it’s on to the next stop.”

(YN) glanced at her phone, it was just before 2 PM, which meant they had hours before their soundcheck. Hours to build up more nervous energy, to possibly run into My Chem or Taking Back Sunday, another band she’d looked up to for just as long.

The bus rolled to a stop and they grabbed the things they’d need for the show that night and headed inside. There were other big black busses already parked outside and roadies moving things around.

“This is real, this is really real. This is the biggest thing we’ve ever done and we’re really here,” Rebecca said, totally astonished as (YN) linked arms with her. 

“I’m really trying not to think about it,” (YN) replied. Even from the back of the stadium they could hear the crowd already waiting out front. When they got to the door, they flashed their badges and were escorted to their dressing room.

“Do we just wait here? Can we go walk around? I wanna go check everything out,” Liam babbled excitedly.

“How much coffee did you drink today, dude?” (YN) asked, trying to keep the nerves out of her voice.

“None. Come on, let’s get out there and meet our tourmates! Who is with me? (YN), Jake, Becs?”

Rebecca rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna try to calm down and center myself and not piss off the people who are employing us.”

“I’ll go,” Jake replied.

“Yea me too, get it over with,” (YN) mumbled. She’d met so many people touring and opening for bands she looked up to that it shouldn’t make her nervous, but Gerard, Mikey, Ray and Frank were legendary. The three bandmates started to wander the halls, peeking in doors until they heard people talking. 

“Is this happening? Are we about to meet them?” (YN) looked at Liam, her heart hammering.

“Come on,” he said, grabbing her elbow and leading the way. “‘Scuse me, sorry to interrupt, but we wanted to introduce ourselves. We are Garden of Woe.”

“Hey, nice to finally meet you guys, I’m Gerard,” Gerard said, getting up to shake their hands. Jake and Liam introduced themselves like normal humans, but (YN) was screaming internally.

“I’m (YN),” she squeaked, and Gerard gave her an amused smile and she was certain her brain melted. Then all the sudden she was introducing herself to Mikey, Frank, and Ray as well and it was as if she had transcended to another plane of existence. She listened as they easily made conversation with Jake and Liam, but she couldn’t put together a coherent thought to join in.

“Are you ok?” she heard someone asking. Shaking her head to pull herself out of her thoughts, she realized it was Gerard.

“Yea, yea, thanks, just kinda overwhelmed by everything that’s going on,” she admitted.

Gerard nodded. “Yea, being back in the tour life has been kinda weird. Overwhelming, like you said.”

“For sure. And I don’t wanna seem like, I dunno, a crazed fan, but I have to tell you, I’ve been listening to you guys since I was 16 when Three Cheers came out. It got me through so much and your performance style inspired me so much and how I perform and yea. Sorry to ramble, I just had to get that off my chest, I won’t bug you about it again,” (YN) said with another shake of her head as she put her hands over her face. She didn’t know why, but tears were stinging at her eyes. “So sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he replied and he reached out and rubbed her arm. “We saw you guys performing and that’s why we asked you to come out with us. You have a lot of talent.”

“Well thank you, this is literally a dream come true,” (YN) blushed. Receiving a compliment like that from Gerard Way himself was mind blowing.

“My Chem, you’re up for soundcheck,” someone with a headset called from the doorway.

“We’ll see you around,” Gerard waved as they made their way out the door. After the band was gone (YN), Jake, and Liam stood alone in the dressing room silently for a moment.

“Holy fucking hell we just met My Chemical Romance!” Liam shrieked.

“I know!” (YN) shouted in reply, throwing her arms around her friends in a celebratory hug.

~

"(YN). Earth to (YN)," Liam said, pulling her from her thoughts. "You ready?"

"No, not at all," she replied and Liam could see the fear in her face. It had been a long time since he had seen her that nervous before a performance. 

"You got this," he said to (YN). "We all got this, come on!"

Just then the stage lights dimmed and the crowd roared like she'd never heard before. The other three took their places on stage. "Fuck it," she muttered to herself and ran out on stage.

45 minutes later Garden of Woe was taking their bow and hurrying off stage so the roadies could switch out their equipment for Taking Back Sunday’s. The four bandmates were wrapping each other in sweaty hugs and jumping up and down, as the set had gone better than they ever could have hoped. After cleaning themselves up a bit, they went to the merch booth and signed autographs and took photos for a while, but the line cleared out again once Taking Back Sunday went on. After they finished, there wasn't much time before MCR were going to take the stage, so (YN) hurried backstage and found a crate to sit on and watch while the greatest band of their generation took the stage.

The show was absolutely awe inspiring; to watch the way Ray shredded on his guitar, the way Frank and Mikey moved around the stage, but most of all watching Gerard. He was a natural on stage, even after all this time away from it. While she had watched enough interviews on youtube to know that he was soft spoken, the way he turned that off and started to just command the stage and the crowd was incredible. What she couldn’t believe was that no one else was with her watching the show. Did they not realize what an opportunity they were missing she wondered.

"Enjoying the show?" Gerard asked when they came off stage before the encore.

"So much! You're kicking so much ass out there!" She beamed and the guys all laughed in appreciation.

Once the show was over and everyone was cleaned up, the bands all came together to celebrate a little before it was time to reboard the busses. The drinks were flowing for everyone that partook as people talked happily, but (YN) found herself without a place to sit until she decided to crash on Liam's lap.

Ray smiled as he walked over to them. “Hey, how’d the first show go?”

“Amazing!” Liam grinned.

“So amazing, but you guys, holy shit!” (YN) gushed. “I suppose when you’ve played together for so long you don’t just lose that, even after a break.”

"That’s true,” Ray nodded. “How long have you been a band?”

“About ten years,” (YN) replied. “We talked about it in high school, but neither of us could play an instrument, and life was so hard back then. We couldn’t get our shit together until after he graduated from college. It's only really been in the last few years we've been able to find some success with it.”

“So are you two together?" Ray asked, looking between the pair.

"Oh nooo," (YN) laughed. "Liam's practically my brother."

"And I'm gay," Liam interjected.

"And there's that," (YN) nodded.

“Well you guys have a real dynamic that works,” Ray shrugged. The way he treated them as if they were equals to everyone else on the tour was exactly the confidence boost (YN) needed as the tour got started.

~

The next few days of the tour were very much the same. Rolling into town, hurry up and wait, getting to know the guys in the other bands, and then finally getting on stage. After signing for fans, (YN) would rush backstage to watch MCR perform, and after that everyone would gather again until it was time to load back into the busses to the next town.

Each day was a little less nerve-wracking than the last and (YN) finally felt like she was coming out of her shell. She’d hoped that Rebecca would be her right-hand woman, since there were so few other women out on the tour, but Rebecca had been heading straight to the busses after the shows, instead of hanging out with everyone else.

“Do you have any idea what’s up with Becs?” (YN) asked the other two members of the band after their soundcheck.

“Nope,” Jake replied quickly before heading back behind his kit again.

“Just go talk to her,” Liam suggested.

(YN) grumbled before nodding and heading back to the dressing room. “Hey Becs!” (YN) said as chipperly as she could muster. “Are you gonna hang with us after the show tonight? I miss hanging out with you, and the guys are all super fun to talk to.”

“I dunno, maybe,” she replied, but (YN) couldn’t get a read on her mood.

“What are you gonna wear tonight? I was thinking my Mikey Fuckin Way shirt that I cropped,” (YN) said turning to their wardrobe rack.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Rebecca said before quickly turning and almost running out of the room. Moments later Liam came in.

“What the hell was that about?”

“I have no idea dude, I tried though, I really did.”

Despite the weirdness between Rebecca and the rest of the band, the show went well. (YN) again ducked out early from their signing to catch the MCR show from her favorite spot at the side of the stage. She couldn’t help but wonder if she was imagining things, but it seemed like whenever Gerard looked her way, he’d always smile just at her.

“Still enjoying the show?” Gerard asked when he came off stage before their encore.

“I’ve got years of not seeing you guys live to catch up on, I’m never gonna get sick of it,” she laughed.

Gerard nodded. “I caught your show tonight, you guys are really killin it.”

(YN) could have sworn her soul left her body for a moment. “R-really?”

“Yea, I really-”

“Gee, we’re back on,” Ray said tapping him on the shoulder.

(YN) waved him off as he went back on stage and the crowd roared again. She tried to keep from screaming herself, but for an entirely different reason.

At the end of the show, everyone convened as usual for the post-show celebration. (YN) was glad to find that Rebecca had joined the group, even if she was mostly just talking to Jake. She had meant to talk to her, but got pulled into a conversation with Adam instead.

“Ok, but can you teach me to swing the mic like you do and not kill someone?” (YN) asked with a laugh. 

“Sure thing, how ‘bout after your sound check tomorrow?” Adam offered.

“Perfect, can’t wait!” (YN) grinned, but in the corner Rebecca was rolling her eyes.

From the other side of the room Mikey was trying to talk to Gerard, but he was noticeably distracted. Following his brother’s line of sight, realized Gerard was watching (YN)’s animated conversation with Adam. He bumped his shoulder into Gerard’s. 

“You really are into (YN) aren’t you?” Mikey asked with a knowing smile and Gerard just shrugged dejectedly. “Why don’t you just ask her out or something?”

“I can’t,” Gerard replied.

“Why not?”

“Because.”

“Because why? Why? What good reason do you have?” Mikey argued.

“Because I’m older than her, because I don’t want her to feel obligated to spend time with me just because we’re on this tour together. Because I’m not… I’m not the Gerard Way I used to be.”

"What the fuck does that mean?" Mikey asked sternly.

"I know I'm not a sexy rock star anymore, I'm a divorced dad with grey in his hair and," he sighed. "You know what I mean."

"Gee, you know you're in a better place now in so many ways than you were before. Stop talking yourself out of it.”

Gerard just grumbled in response. He knew his brother was right, he was better off now than he was ten years ago, worlds better than he was even longer ago than that. But he couldn’t help but worry that (YN) wouldn’t be interested in him. At least not the current version of him. 

But that didn’t change how he felt about her

~

The next stop on the tour was Riot Fest, but Garden of Woe would not actually be opening for My Chem and Taking Back Sunday. They had been relegated to one of the smaller side stages earlier in the day. (YN) and Liam were hanging out on the curb outside their bus in the warm, mid September Chicago air when Frank and Gerard came by.

“Hey, when are you guys on today?” Frank asked.

“At 4:30, why?” Liam answered

Frank climbed in between the two and pulled out his phone. “Gerard is always talking about how awesome your show is, so I was gonna promote you guys.”

(YN) looked up at Gerard who smiled shyly. “Well Gerard, why don’t you get in on this too then,” she smiled.

“Sure,” he nodded and sat down next to her as Liam took Frank’s phone and held it out so he could get everyone in the shot.

“Hey guys, we’re at Riot Fest, and before we play tonight, you gotta go check out our friends Garden of Woe," Frank said to the camera.

“4:30 on the Riot Stage,” (YN) added, flashing a peace sign before Liam finished recording. “Thanks guys, we really appreciate it. I don’t know how many people would be stopping by our set without the promo.”

“Well they should be, like I said before, you’re amazing,” Gerard replied as (YN) looked over at him with a soft smile. Over (YN)’s shoulder, Liam and Frank were exchanging knowing looks.

Hours later the band was waiting off stage, a few minutes before they were due to go on for their set.

“Holy shit, I didn’t expect the crowd this big,” Jake said after peaking out.

“I guess Frank’s post worked,” Liam shrugged.

“What post?” Rebecca asked.

“This one,” (YN) replied, pulling out her phone and pulling up the post she’d bookmarked. She let the video play, smiling happily at the four of them on the screen.

“Look at you all cozy with My Chem, what a surprise,” Rebecca deadpanned.

(YN) shot her a confused look and was about to open her mouth when Liam interjected.

“Ha, look at these comments,” Liam said, snatching the phone away. “People are totally shipping you and Gerard, (YN).”

“Shut up, no they aren’t,” she replied, but could feel her cheeks burning red.

“Yea they are, look!” He said pointing them out. (YN) scrolled through and couldn’t help but feel honored that people would think that she and Gerard made a cute couple. She could only imagine what it’d really be like.

“Don’t we have a show to play?” Rebecca asked snidely, snapping her from her thoughts.

“Becs is right, come on let’s get ready.” (YN) nodded, putting her phone away.

The energy of the crowd was great, and the fans that were up front were actually singing along, which brought a smile to (YN)’s face. An even bigger smile crossed her face when she glanced at the side of the stage and saw Gerard and Frank were there watching the show too.

Part 2

[twink-frank]

🩸 🎸 🧛🏿‍♂️

& 🔮 what are lyrics from anything mcr/mcr adjacent that you think genuinely helped you/saved you/just made you feel a little less alone in your struggles, if you have any

Thank you nathan <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

🩸: do you have a memory associated to the first time you listened to each of the mcr albums? Not really? usually whenever i listen to an album in full i just kinda sit down and do it. and its been so long since i heard any of their songs or albums for the first time that those memories are nothing but blurs. 🎸: what’s your favorite song by ray toro? Oooogghhh can i say the entire remember the laughter album? its literally such a masterpiece and the fact that ray produced the whole thing himself with almost no help just makes it that much better. ray toro is in fact a musical genius and his compositions make my fucking monkey brain go oohh aahhhh and i feel like he deserves way more recognition than he gets, 🧛🏿‍♂️ : what’s the most rewarding thing for you about being an mcr fan? (finding friends, experiencing shows, etc.) i’ve been into mcr since i was like 8 years old, and ever since then its always been about the community for me. i heard their songs when i was a young kid being bullied and harassed and found out that i wasnt alone through their music. like the messages they put out i intensely connected with. and i think that was their intention, to let people who were a little fucked up know that its Okay to be a little fucked up.

🔮 : question of the anons choosing im gonna stick to mcr lyrics that helped me and made me feel a lil less alone bc if i went into mcr adjacent things we would literally be here all day.

I went a lil crazy so my answer is under the read more <3

“The boys and girls in the clique / the awful names that they stick / you’re never gonna fit in much kid / but if you’re troubled and hurt / what you got under your shirt / will make them pay for the things that they did.” ~ Teenagers

“Back home, off the run / signing songs that make you slit your wrists / it isnt that much fun, staring down a loaded gun.” ~ Cemetery Drive

“But nobody cares if you’re losing yourself / am i losing myself? / Well i miss my mom! will they give me the chair? or lethal injection or swing from a rope if you dare? / ah nobody knows, all the trouble i’ve seen.” ~ Prison

“Well mother what the war did to my legs and to my tongue / you should’ve raised a baby girl, i shouldve been a better son / if you could coddle the infection they can amputate at once / you should’ve been, i couldve been a better son.” ~ Mama

“She said, You ain’t no son of mine / For what you’ve done they’re gonna find / a place for you and just you mind your manners when you go / and when you go don’t return to me, my love.” ~ Mama

“Do or die you’ll never make me / Because the world will never take my heart / Go and try, you’ll never break me / We want it all, we wanna play this part / I won’t explain or say i’m sorry / i’m unashamed, i’m gonna show my scars / Give a cheer for all the broken / listen here, because it’s who we are / I’m just a man, i’m not a hero / just a boy, who had to sing this song / i’m just a man, i’m not a hero / I don’t care.” ~ WTBP

“I see you lying next to me / With words i thought i’d never speak / awake and unafraid, asleep or dead.” ~ FLW

“I am not afraid to keep on living / I am not afraid to walk this world alone.” ~ FLW

“Preach all you want, but who’s gonna save me? / I keep a gun on the book you gave me / Hallelujah lock and load. / Black is the kiss, the touch of the serpent son. / It ain’t the mark or the scar that makes you one, and one, and one.” ~ Venom

“Trust, you said / who put the words in your head? / Oh, how wrong we were to think / that immortality meant never dying.” ~ sorrows

“And now, the red ones make me fly and the blue ones help me fall / And I think i’ll blow my brains against the ceiling. / And as the fragments of my skull begin to fall / fall on your tongue like pixie dust, just think happy thoughts.” ~ Headfirst

“And in this moment, we can’t close the lids on burning eyes / our memories blanket us, with friends w know, like fallout vapors / steel corpses stretched out towards an ending sun / Scorched in black, it reaches in and tears your flesh apart / as ice cold hands rip into your heart. / thats if you’ve still got one thats left / inside that cave you call a chest / And after seeing what we saw / can we still reclaim our innocence? / And if the world needs something better / lets give them one more reason now.” ~ Skylines

“Sometimes I think I’ll die alone, I’d think I’d love to die alone / Just take me down / Just take me down / I think I’d love to die alone.” ~ Cubicles 

“As lead rains, will pass on through / Our phantoms forever / Like scarecrows that fuel this flame / We’re burning forever and ever / Know how much I want to show you / You’re the only one / Like a bed of roses / there’s a dozen reasons in this gun.” ~ Demo Lovers

“I’m sick, down from the bones to the other side / Red-mob we insects hide / King rat on the streets in another life / they laugh we don’t think it’s funny / If what you are / is just what you own / what have you become / when  they take from you almost everything?” ~ Destroya

[fleebledotcomrbls]

You Matter

Chapter 5

Summary: Logan sneaks out with Remy

Tw: Suffocation, Talks of death, Verbal Fighting, Outing somone as trans (its in passing but fair waring), metions of violence, almost drowning (let me know if i missed one)

Words: 1897

 The day seemed to drag as he watched the clock tick all day. It was friday and eleven o’clock He had his first training session with the hero's tomorrow. His mind was pulled right back into reality as Declan returned from his last meeting of the day. 

“Hey Lo,” He smiled at Logan. His eyes were heavier than usual, “Tonight I'm heading home to Remus. He will come with me in the morning to see you. Remember the rules.”

“Stay in my room. Don’t touch anything, and nobody comes in or out.” Logan recited. His father put these rules in place when he was ten. Tonight was the first night he was breaking them. There should be no reason Declan suspected him, but he couldn’t help but toss and turn these past nights. Right now is when it could all fall apart. If his dad suspected him for a minute. He called upon every bit of his minimal acting abilities.

“Good,” Declan looked straight into Logan’s eyes. Logan tried to keep his poker face, “You need to go to bed on time. You look like you aren’t getting enough sleep.” Declan grabbed his cheek and gave him a quick peck, “Love you.”

“Ew.” Logan deadpanned. Declan laughed as he exited the room.

Logan relaxed and looked down at his outfit. He knew it would be bad to show up in a onesie, but what else could he wear? He ran to the cluttered sideroom, with his bed and assortment of materials for all his interests.

He looked to his closet. It was full of star maps and more importantly his clothes. He looked through his closet. He had a lot of the same pair of jeans,  shirts from the lab, and flip-flops. He assumed he shouldn’t show up in his favorite shirt that says, ‘Got Powers?’. He scoured finding nothing. He looked across his room to see Declan’s mini drawer he keeps in Logan’s bedroom. He dug through the drawer, he saw a lot of the same shirts, but in his father’s size. Then, he saw a simple black polo shirt and a blue tie. He smiled and pulled the shirt and tie on. He grabbed his jeans. He went up to the door of his room and before he opened the door, he grabbed the R coin, and put it in his pocket.

He walked to the back of the lab, he had snuck out before, but it was to the edge of the woods. He never left sight of the lab. He saw the back door. He bolted a sudden jolt of excitement rushing through him. He felt someone grab his arm, and he felt the air push out of his lungs.

“What are you doing here kid!’ The attacker was looking at his band and let go of Logan’s arm. Recoiling as if he had touched fire.He went to grab his walkie-talkie as he fell onto the ground. Remy stood behind him, his palm outstretched. He had a small backpack.

“Snitches get stitches,” He looked up at Logan, “Ya ready to head out not so secret spy.”

Logan looked down at the man and placed a hand on his chest. Remy quickly took his hand, “He’s asleep. Nobody’s powers can kill someone. For someone who's been surrounded by powers your whole life, that would seem like a no brainer.”

 As Remy opened the door Logan contemplated the words. Letting their weight sit on him. Remy was right, Logan should know more about powers. He had met so many empaths and power canclers, and lots of people whose powers were extremely emotionally driven. He was allowed to walk around like any kid at one point, but that was when he was four or five. They decided to isolate him after he made a huge vacuum around other kids. They didn’t want him endangering others. It hit him that Remy was the first person he talked to with powers that wasn’t trying to control him in a long time.

Logan stepped into the dank grass outside, the smell of rain dancing in his nostrils. He felt a chill. The cold hitting his bare arms, Remy grabbed a flashlight from his bag. The stars shone bright, Logan couldn’t help but stare. He had seen so many photos and had plenty of maps, but the real thing was beautiful. The stars flickered, and Logan’s eyes dragged across the sky, to find the familiar shapes. There's Mars, Sirius, Orion, and The Big Dipper.

“Logan!” Logan was broke from his trance by Remy, “We’ve got to head out. We can go look at the stars in Carnville. The sky is clearer there anyway. We will be walking a mile or two, so we can’t wait around.”

Logan was not as strong as he should be. He walks around the Lab often, it was nothing like the road they walked on, but Remy distracted him.

“What's your favorite color?” Remy interrupted the cicada’s single note song.

“Blue. Yours?”

“Brown. Now you ask a question.”

“Hm,” Logan contemplated the question to ask,”Why are you here? You seem to have control over your power.”

“Some kids started attacking this other kid. Some kid could read minds, and outed this kid as trans. The kid started getting bullied, but some kid started beating the crap out of him. I put the kid to sleep. Their mom freaked and threanted sueing my mom, so I lied and said it was an accident. You?”

Logan should have expected the question to be asked back, but he had no plan. Almost everyone he's met has already knew why. He decided on a half truth, “I was put away for weak control on my powers.”

“For nine years? Damn, this place is dedicated. Hmm, you got any hobbies?”

“I like the stars, reading, and studying the periodic table.” Logan looked back to see the hospital completely out of view. There was no going back now.

“Down there is the road the superheroes from the academy use to go on missions, were following just far away enough so that they can’t see us,” Remy pointed to the left as a distant siren was heard, “So Mr.Nine Years, how is the outside world?”

“Cold, wet, and…”Logan looked to the sky, “Beautiful.”

“Yeah, after a rain most likely wasn’t prime time to sneak out, but we can still have fun.”

“I quite enjoy it.” Remy laughed at that. The walk continued with back and forth conversation.

Logan started to smell something salty, “Whats thats smell.”

Remy’s eyes lit up, “Just my favorite scent in the whole world.” Remy grabbed Logan’s wrist and raced off. Logan nearly tripped on multiple branches just trying to keep pace. Logan saw a faint light through the woods.

Remy broke through the trees, “This is Carnvill.” The town was alive despite it being at least 1 am. The market in the center was full of people trading goods. A bar nearby was lit up with fairy lights and people’s laughter. Actually, everything had fairy lights. There was a beautiful orange glow. The smell...had much to be desired. Logan looked to his left to see the ocean.

It was the first time Logan had seen the ocean, even though his whole life he had been around it. It was enchanting. The stars were reflected in the waves, and the glow of the town highlighted the sea. It was haunting, no one knew exactly what was beneath the water, but damn was it beautiful.

“I knew you would love it,” Remy led logan to a cliff that looked over the ocean, “Now we can stargaze. Those woods were not a good view.” Remy was right, it was an amazing view. The clouds had cleared. Logan could see the stars as if it was a picture…,but it wasn’t. It was real. Logan shivered the cold nipping at his nose. As Remy put his jacket on Logan, he couldn’t help it as water vapor came from his eyes. It only got worse as the rocks became liquidy.

“Whoa! Is something wrong?” The boy’s cool attitude slipped. Logan just started bawling harder.

“I-It’s j-ust the-that you.” Logan was suddenly sobbing, “You don’t think i’m dangerous.God, I hate emotions!” Remy turned to Logan and hugged him.

“Logan, when I saw that band I froze. I had written you off as someone who never questioned the system,” Logan felt vapor rise from his shoulders, “but then I saw that band. You never had time to question it. Heck, you never had people to help you question it. Have you ever thought for just a moment,” Remy pulled away, his face was damp, “That you’re allowed to feel and be a kid.”

Logan stood up, “No.” He tried to calm himself. He can’t...He can’t let his emotions get the better of him. That's when they hurt people, “You don’t know my me. What I’ve done.”

“Logan, You were 4!”

“I STILL DID IT!”

“YOU SHOULDN’T BE PUNISHED BY NOT LIVING,” It dawned on Logan that Remy was crying, “NINE YEARS! You’ve never played with a Wii or-or heard Lizzo! No first day of school. No having your friend pressure you into listening to MCR! NO CHILDHOOD!”

Logan felt something roll down his cheeks, he placed a hand to see liquid tears come out his eyes. Liquid, huh. That's the first time that had happened. This is the first time a lot of things have happened. Logan sat on the edge of the cliff and awkwardly patted next to him. Remy sat down, “I’ve never listened to MCR. You’re my- You’re my friend. You can peer pressure me.” Remy looked at Logan and started laughing. Remy fished something out his bag. He pulled out a cellular phone and a cup. He placed the phone in the cup and then he reached a hand out to Logan. Logan took his hand and Remy pressed his phone as lyrics came out.

Teenagers scare the living shit out of me

“Logan for once. Stop caring!” and Logan did. In this small town in the middle of nowhere. He danced and danced. Remy danced along with Logan. Steam started clouding around them. They were in their own world. Than Logan heard Remy scream,

Logan was alert in minutes. He ran as he saw Remy plummet of the cliff. Terror in his eyes. Logan jumped. As he fell he grabbed Remy mid-air. As they descended Logan felt a harsh smack. Logan realised suddenly that they were in a...bubble? of ice? Remy suddenly let go.

“HOLY SHIT! I ALMOST DIED.” Remy started laughing.

Logan started crying, “I’m sorry. Remy we’re gonna die in here.”

“Hey Hey Hey. Shh. Don’t be like that. Yeah maybe we might suffocate, but at least we're not alone.” Remy laughed.

“God, how are you so positive. We could DIE. Were most likely going to.”

“Decide your last words.”

“What?”

“If we’re gonna die we need good last words.”

“At least we’re getting to see the bottom of the ocean.”

“Dang, how am I supposed to top that,” Logan felt lightheaded, “Umm, Into the unknown.”

“Logan, hug me.” Logan did and as Logan hugged him, he started to feel sleepy. He knew Remy was putting him to sleep, but he was too tired to care.

“Into the unknown…”

Taglist: @thewhiteraven73 @hereforapathylogic @illogicalthinking @power-in-plain-sight

[livingmybestfictionallife]

Girl Across the Street

Request: Pls make one with Klaus and a girl next door and she’s the one that comforts him when he’s having his nightmares and she has been there since he was a child thank u --@crayon12

Tags: @crayon12, @multifandom-ramblings, @bisexual-with-adhd, @ne0n-gh0st

Reginald Hargreeves had died and all of a sudden, the chaos and craziness that seemed to engulf (y/n)’s childhood had resurfaced overnight. 

It was interesting, growing up next to The Umbrella Academy. It seemed that the kids didn’t have much of a normal childhood, but they snuck out more than the average children and teenagers did to make up for it. (Y/N) could remember times toward the end of the nineties when she would catch a glimpse of the seven Hargreeves siblings hurrying through the darkness in the streets below with frantic and eager looks on their faces as they made their way toward Griddy’s Doughnuts. To her dismay, they had run by time and time again and never seemed to pay much attention to the girl sitting at her bedroom window, wanting nothing more than to join them on their late night doughnut escapades...that was until one night when she caught the eye of one of the young Hargreeves boys.

As his siblings continued on--Diego and Luther in a full on sprint, Allison following along, while Five, Vanya, and Ben walked in a civilized manner along the sidewalk--Klaus’s eyes had drifted from their locked position on his final destination, and landed on the figure looming in the window. At first, the pale moonlight against the window’s dirty glass made his heart skip a beat and he froze in his tracks. The figure resembled the haunting features of the spirits he’d come to be all too familiar with, but with a couple steps closer, and as soon as (Y/N) had cracked her bedroom window open, he could make out the features of a living person.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” he had asked while standing outside of the single story structure, stepping forward only to help the girl by the arm as she tried to shimmy out of her window. All in all, it was a simple gesture. Inviting someone along on an adventure to gorge themselves with sugary bread wasn’t the grandest of ways to make friends, but for Klaus--having only been surrounded by his siblings--meeting (y/n) was a pivotal moment in his young life. There was no way for either of them to know what exactly would come from that one moment of rebellion (y/n) displayed or that slight terror from Klaus that froze him in his tracks long enough to notice her in the first place, but it would develop into something neither wanted to lose.

It wasn’t long after their first meeting that Klaus began to sneak out at night without his siblings. Even at nine years old, he would slip through the window of his room, quietly rush down the fire-escape, and tap eagerly on (y/n)’s window until she opened it enough for him to come inside. In those days, the talk between the two was simple, but as time progressed, the secrets shared became personal and led to a deeper bond between the pair.

 As they entered their teen years though, Klaus’s visits became more and more frequent than they had been in the earlier days of their friendship. The fun they had together had become more flirtatious than playful and music still ensued, but (y/n)’s presence quickly became something Klaus needed as much as he needed air to breath. He didn’t know how to admit it to anyone, let alone his father, but his powers terrified him. Sleep was nonexistent. Every corner of his mind was filled with gory remnants of lives that had once walked the earth, but now tormented every second of his young life. (Y/N) was enough of a distraction emotionally to keep his demons at bay, but she knew it was only a matter of time before Klaus couldn’t handle this on his own. 

Klaus’s visits had always been the highlight of (y/n)’s day. Staying up till the early morning hours with the mysterious and hilarious boy from across the street, listening to Nirvana, Blink-182, Green Day, and MCR had given her something to look forward to in her bland, uneventful, and seemingly unimportant life. Even Klaus had become more and more eager to risk his father's anger to be with (y/n). At least with her he didn’t have to hide behind a destructive demeanor. At least with her he could relax and ignore the voices that always seemed to be screaming at him.

The nightmares he’d spoken about were one thing; she could help him get to sleep, mostly by running her fingers through his hair, reminding him he was safe, and letting him curl up beside her whenever he needed to, but coping with the problems he had that stemmed from seeing the dead was something else.  She could tell he was trying to be strong and happy with his only true friend--the only human connection he had with someone his age that didn’t live under the same roof as him--but she was tired of him feeling like he had to put up a front around her. 

October 31st had always been a bad day for Klaus. He wasn’t frightened by the ridiculous costumes children wore, but the knowledge that the next two days would lead to the most activity his powers sees on any given day was enough to break him. He spent his life hiding behind the facet destructive and chaotic, but he was breaking, and (y/n) knew it. It was only about eight-thirty and she was setting up the VHS player to watch Psycho with Klaus, as they did every Halloween night since they were eleven, when she heard a crashing sound come from her bedroom. Rushing to her room and dropping the large bowl of popcorn she had made for her and Klaus to share, she noticed her best friend curled up in his usual spot in her bed with a frantically panicked look on his face.

“Klaus?” she asked as she took in his appearance and slid onto the bed beside him. He looked like he hadn’t slept in days, his eyes were bloodshot, and tears were streaming down his cheeks. “Klaus, what’s going on?” Even with the concern and panic in her voice, Klaus refused to speak. All he could do was place his long arms around her body and pull her so close to him she was falling on top of him. In his trembling grasp, (y/n) quickly connected the dots of what had to have had him so overwhelmed. In pagan beliefs, today was the day that demons roamed the earth. The next two days in hispanic culture were the celebration of Dia de los Muertos, two days where the veil between life and death was lifted and loved ones honored their passed family members while the dead, supposedly, walked amongst the living. Seeing Klaus’s current debilitating demeanor, and remembering all of the times he’d seemed overly frightened during their Psycho movie night, (y/n) had an undeniable curious feeling that those beliefs were true and had been plaguing Klaus throughout his entire life.

“I’m so sorry,” he said to her in between gasps of air as he sobbed against her soft hair. “I know I promised...I know I said I wouldn’t...” His hands were trembling as she pulled away for a moment to look into his sad green eyes.

“Klaus,” she sighed lightly, trying to hide the disappointment in her voice. He’d been open in telling her about his experimentation with drugs to suppress his powers, to keep the nightmares at bay, and she’d told him that if he ever needed her to just make it known. She didn’t want to lose him to a life she couldn’t follow him into.

“Don’t hate me. Everyone already hates me, please don’t hate me,” he said with tears in his eyes. Something must have happened at home, she thought as he pleaded with her. After all the years of knowing Klaus, (y/n) knew he only sought reassurance of his worth or affirmation and love after an altercation with his father.

“I don’t hate you Klaus,” she sighed and leaned into his side again to pull him back into a hug. “I can never hate you. I just don’t want you going through this alone.”

“All I am is alone in this, (y/n),” he sighed while pushing away from her for the first time in his life. “Only I can see them. Only I can hear them. It’s a nightmare! It’s my nightmare! I can’t--”

“Hey, hey,” she said softly while swinging herself around on the bed and perching herself over his legs. As she sat on his thighs and looked directly into his eyes, (y/n) tried to calm him by placing each of her hands on either side of his cheeks, “look at me.” In the darkness of the unlit bedroom, (y/n) could see his eyes latch on hers like they had so many years ago when he first saw her staring through the window. “I’m not going anywhere. I will always be here. I will never leave you alone. No matter what, I will never hate you, Klaus Hargreeves.” Without realizing what he was doing, Klaus's hands mirrored (y/n)’s and rested on her soft cheeks for a moment before he pressed his lips to hers.

That moment, the first time Klaus had kissed her, was what lingered in (y/n)’s mind as Klaus’s adoptive brother Diego stood on her doorstep. She had always intended to move, but when her parents decided to retire on the opposite side of the country, (y/n) remembered the promise she made to a scared, skinny teenager over a decade ago. Even though Klaus chose a path she couldn’t continue with him, she always made it apparent that she would be there for him. It took her by surprise just how much to heart he took her statement, but one morning after her parents moved and she was late for work, when she received a call from an unknown number saying a patient named Klaus Hargreeves had used her as an emergency contact, she realized he had at least listened to her promises.

“As are you,” she replied with a bite in her tone.

“Your still here,” Diego said with what seemed like a sigh of relief, but his tone came across with a tinge of bitterness.

“I-” Diego was quick to let his defensive guard down as he looked into the eyes of the only person he knew could help his brother. “He needs you,” he said after gathering his thoughts and repositioning himself so that his weight wasn’t leaning on his forward most foot, as if preparing to counter an attack. As kids, Klaus had told (y/n) all about his siblings and their tendencies, and she remembered him describing Diego--especially into the middle and end of their teenage years--to be a bit of a hot head. “He’s--”

“Did he get himself locked up again?” (y/n) asked as Diego struggled to get the words out. As soon as he shook his head she again tried to determine the situation. “Did he OD again?” she continued. “If Klaus took my name off from his emergency contact list, I’ll fucking kill him,” (y/n) grumbled while shuffling in her doorway anxiously.

“He’s tied up in a chair losing his shit trying to get sober,” Diego somehow explained without explaining shit. “When we were kids he’d always say there was only one person on this earth who accepted him--and we just thought it was Klaus being Klaus, the dramatic shit he was, you know--but I know it was you. He thought he was being secretive sneaking away from the group one the nights we ran off, or leaving the academy every night without fail from the time he was twelve until you left for college, but Klaus is Klaus."

“It’s like he’s got a neon arrow hanging over his head begging for people to look at him,” (y/n) continued. “Only for the past few years, no one has paid him any attention,” she added with guilt flowing in her tone.

(Y/N) didn’t know what to expect when Diego opened the door to the room Klaus was in, but for some reason she wasn’t actually expecting the truth. The room was dark and dusty and Klaus was a sweaty mess, squeezing his eyes shut to focus on why he was there, but also trying--unsuccessfully--to shun the terrifying faces from his sight. She had seen him a few times in their adult lives, mostly lying in hospital beds or bailing him out of jail, but even then he seemed more himself, more playful and kind, than in the single glance she had just taken at him.

“Don’t blame yourself. I don’t think he would have wanted that for you. Right now though, I’m not any help,” Diego stated while taking half a step back and turning his torso so that a straight path from (y/n)'s house to the academy was made. 

“I brought someone I thought could help,” Diego said in a tone that clearly oozed a mixture of concern and passiveness--as if he wasn’t sure how to speak to his brother during a moment like this. Klaus’s drooping head swung from one side to another and he groaned with irritation.

“I don’t want Luther, Allison, or even Five’s help,” he muttered. “They don’t get it! No one ever has,” he said the last part softly to himself.

“No one?” (y/n) questioned and took a step forward while following Diego into the room.

“(Y/N)?” Klaus said her name with such a gentleness the word barely escaped his lips. He felt the guilt he’d harbored that Halloween night, the first time he had let her down, boil to the surface after having been repressed for so long. Since she left town for school, since he’d fallen into his addiction, he’d made a point to not bring her into his troubles unless absolutely necessary. He didn’t want to have the one person--the one living person--he���d cared about to see him in the same light his family did: a useless waste of life. Seeing her before him not only brought up the guilt of having let her down, but the poignant feeling that came from banishing her from his life, of leaving someone he had grown to depend on for his own selfish reasons, and the guilt of the emotions that flowed into his consciousness that tore him between his emptiness from Dave’s death, and a sense of fulfillment in having her back. “How did you--?”

“In all those years you thought no one was paying attention to you, I suppose Diego was,” (y/n) said through the damp air of the room. “Care to explain the bondage?” she asked with a coy grin, figuring it best to restore the banter between the two before getting down the the nitty gritty of why Diego had brought her there.

“Oh, just figured I’d try something new,” he sighed with a lighthearted grin as (y/n) lowered herself down to crouch beside him as Diego disappeared into the shadows. 

“Is it really that new?" she asked lightly. “I remember us trying something similar about ten years ago,” she whispered with a smirk in her voice.

“I’ve gotta get clean. It’s the only way,” he stated so matter-of-factly, so seriously, that (y/n) knew there would be no way to convince him otherwise.

“The only way to what?” she asked, her voice changing from the playful tone they’d both been using to reflect the more serious one Klaus had just expressed.

“To see him,” Klaus replied, his voice now slipping from seriousness to desperation. (Y/N) could nearly see the sorrow spreading within his chest and hated the image of his pained eyes welling with tears.

“To see who, Klaus?” she asked gently while lightly touching part of his arm visible beneath the restraints.

“Dave,” he sighed with longing in his voice. There was a strike of pain in her chest as she heard the way he spoke this man’s name, a pain she had known all too well as jealousy. Even in their youth, Klaus wasn’t exactly chaste, and his experimentation with drugs wasn’t the only thing he embarked on to diminish the horrors within his mind. Throughout her adult life, (y/n) would think back to her moments with Klaus and became so overwhelmed by the pain of hopeless jealousy whenever she thought of where he had to be now, that she hated the thought of the person he had become, although she knew she could never actually hate the man himself.

“Tell me about him,” she urged. Her soft touch on his skin was something he had forgotten when he tried to forget about her. Aside from Dave, he'd never been handled so gently, or at least he forgot he had been.

“He was so kind and gentle and pure,” he sighed and dropped his head to where his eyes were almost level with (y/n)’s. He stared into her soul as she looked back into those damned green orbs she’d fallen for so many years ago. “You would have liked him, (y/n). He was so good to me too. I didn’t deserve him, I know that, but I…I loved him, (y/n).” She could see a single tear slide from Klaus’s face as he stared at the girl he’d ran from all those years before, ironically for the exact reason that lead him to running toward Dave.

“I’m sure he loved you too, Klaus,” (y/n) reassured him with a gentle and genuine smile as she tried to hide a hurt within her. “How could he not?” she sighed while gently grasping her hand around his. “Just remember him. One memory, that’s all.” Once again, the man before her squeezed his eyes shut in desperation, in pain, as a reminder of why he was strapped in a chair forcing himself to detox cold turkey, only to jerk his head up at a sound he knew neither (y/n) nor Diego could hear. His eyes flicked toward the door as heavy boots clanked against the creaking wooden floor.

“Dave,” he sighed . His tear stained cheeks and welled up eyes met that of the man he’d lost only moments ago, but for the man whose gaze he held, it had been over thirty years since seeing the soldier foolish enough to follow him to the front lines—the one who had captured his heart.

“You did it,” he sighed gently, knowing only Klaus could hear him but was still wary of the other people in the room: a man huddled in a dark corner and a woman crouched beside the man he loved.

“I did it,” Klaus sighed with relief as the biggest smile he could muster spread across his cheeks, causing (y/n) to follow his line of sight. Dave could swear the woman was looking him in the eye, but he knew better. He knew that she was looking at nothing but an empty space in an empty room. In this moment, he was solely Klaus’s. “I’ve missed you,” Klaus said softly while turning his head as Dave approached him.

“She’s right you know,” Dave said gently as he looked down at the man before him and glanced at the woman knelt beside Klaus. “It’s impossible to not love someone as crazy as you.”

(Y/N) could see Klaus’s gaze drift to the opposite side of his body and assumed Dave had made his way closer. It wasn’t until Klaus’s eyes drifted from the spirit lingering on his right toward her, as she remained in her spot on his left, did she realize their conversation had been directed toward her.

“I should have said it then,” Klaus said with regret in his soul.

“You didn’t have to,” Dave explained. “I knew.” He straightened his posture and smiled helplessly at the man he’d spent his last moments with.

“You always knew more than about me than I did,” Klaus said with a giddy grin overtaking his demeanor.

“I still do,” Dave smiled with a compassionate glance at the woman whose hand Klaus was still clenching as if his life depended on it. Immediately Klaus’s face fell into that of regret and guilt, and Dave was quick to stoop down and look him in the eyes. “Don’t,” he said so softly Klaus could almost feel the phantom’s breath against his skin. “Don’t do that to yourself. You deserve to be happy,” he explained with a small tear streaming down his cheek. “Besides, I like her. She helped you bring me back, at least to say a proper goodbye.”

“Dave, it’s—" Klaus’s voice seemed panicked and rushed to (y/n) as she tried not to listen in on the one-sided conversation, but was unable to join Diego in the background due to the grip Klaus had on her hand. She was an anchor for him--in his emotions, in his powers, and in the chaos of his everyday life--whether or not either of them realized it.

“Shh,” Dave silenced the chaotic chatterbox that randomly appeared during the most treacherous moments of his life. “You will move on eventually, Klaus. It’s only normal to. You have a lifetime ahead of you. I’m just glad you made a brief appearance in mine. But you moving on doesn’t mean I’ll ever leave you or that you will ever forget me. I guess all I’m saying is that she seems patient enough to put up with your shit.”

Once more, Klaus glanced down at (y/n) and tried to suppress the guilt he had for abandoning her, especially now that he realized her promise of never leaving him was so serious that she was here, nearly twelve years later, helping him conjure his lost love as he now realized that he was more than likely hers.

[yungblud-fics]

teenage heartbreak queen (part one)

based off the song teenage heartbreak queen by palaye royale (🅱️ussy 🅱️op)

warnings: literally major angst, mcr trashing (it pained me to write), language.

summary: dom has been in love with his best friend since before he can remember. when yoi start to change after your boyfriend comes into the picture, will your relationship tear you both apart?

part 2

She used to go

She used to hide and not let me know

the school's power couple. that's what everyone called them. it made dom sick to his stomach to his best friend with that dick head. she was so smart and could tell his emotions in an instant but god was she was so fucking oblivious.

Now I wait

While she's in bed and sleeps all day

(Wake up)

things had changed since they had gotten together. the jock of the school and the infamous introvert. he was the definition of a sterotypical teenage boy--played football, rugby, lacrosse. total asshole energy. you were polar opposites but 'opposites attract.' 'maybe that's why dom didn't get the girl.

she sat in the back of the classroom, band t-shirts and skinny jeans. she was never one for parties, preferring to sit at a cafe and listen to live music.

that all changed when they got together. everyone said they would be together forever. eventually she stopped holding dom's hand when she was nervous or excited. she stopped dancing like crazy when she knew people were staring. it all just stopped.

She used to dance

She used to cry as she held my hand

Oh no we used to say

We won't ever change change change

you went to parties instead of staying home with a record player on like usual. you stopped sleeping at dom's house every friday night. you started to listen to trashy rap.

you weren't the same but your mom had known you still listened to the same punk rock songs in your room late at night. she knew you still read graphic novels in your free time. she also knew you only hid those to keep the relationship healthy. and she had told dom this weeks ago because she knew he could get anxious.

I fell in love with my best friend

She fell in love with you instead

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Oh it's me and my misery

dom missed the old you. as he bolted out of his last pediod class, swarms of students filled the halls. thursday's were hard at school. he usually just wanted the week to be over and done with, and more than anything he wanted to skip friday's knowing you wouldn't be there with him.

he didn't know when he started to feel things for you. he just knew that as sophomores, he was in love with his best friend.

maybe it started when he moved and you were the first person to talk to him. maybe it was when he fell on the playground in second grade and you cleaned up his cut. maybe it was when he first came to your house in fourth grade and showed him all your band posters on the walls.

I fell in love with my best friend

Now she is sleeping in your bed

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Now it's me and my misery

dom saw you closing your locker so he ran through the crowd of teenagers and teachers and smiled brightly once he got to you.

"hey n/n!"

"hey dom," she said awkwardly, her boyfriend latching onto her arm. dom's smile slowly faded as he realized you weren't as excited to see him as he was you.

It's not the same

The way she used to say my name

Now she's strange

"wanna come ova' tonight? we can dance to three cheers fo' sweet revenge all night," he laughed knowing it's your favorite mcr album (wink wonk).

he saw you smirk and that small gleam come back to your eye bringing a matching smile to his face.

It's outta hand 'cause something's changed

Something's changed

She used to dance

She used to cry as she held my hand

Oh no we used to say

We won't ever change change change

"i'll be over at si-"

"that lame album? that's some gross emo music. babe, do you really like that shit?"

"i guess not really," you shrugged as you felt a burning pain in your chest as those words slipped your mouth.

"good, cause we're gonna go for a drive tonight." just as he was about to walk away, he leaned down to your ear and whispered, mocking dom's accent just loud enough for him to hear, "and not with pretty lil' london boy."

once he walked off, the look in dom's eyes gave you an aching pain. he swallowed back the lump in his throat, running a hand through his hair, in an attempt for it to look neater but failed as it fell back in front of his eyes.

I fell in love with my best friend

She fell in love with you instead

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Oh it's me and my misery

"m-maybe some other time," he managed to spit out before turning away from you. you grabbed his hand which always made dom's heart flutter, but this time, he simply looked at your hands and slowly pulled his back to his side.

"we can still hang out tonight. what's the big deal?"

"the big deal is 'm fookin' in love with ya for years and ya don't see how much it kills me every time i see ya with him. he doesn't deserve ya and he's a total twat. the way ya feel when your favorite song comes on the radio is the way i feel whenever i'm around ya," his eyes were glassy but he wiped it away with his sweatshirt sleeve.

I fell in love with my best friend

Now she is sleeping in your bed

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Now it's me and my misery

"dommy i didn't realize," tears almost fell down your cheeks but you wouldn't let them.

"of course ya didn't! cause you're obsessed with him. when was the last time ya slept over? and don't even get me started. ya love mcr, and because he said it's shit ya suddenly hate em'!"

"that's not why i said it," your voices were slightly raised as the dismissal bell rang out through the hallway.

"then why?" dom screamed.

"because-"

"because why? because ya love him?" he spat. you didn't say anything more. you didn't need to. you simply walked away and out the school doors knowing that your best friend now hated you.

dom stood in the same spot. did i just lose my best friend? she just walked out. a few tears had fallen and he couldn't hold them in. tightening the straps on his backpack, he went out the doors you had been just a few seconds ago and made his way home.

I loved her madly but she went away

I can't believe that she won't see my pain

Though I'm not with her, I have lost my mind

I love her madly 'til the end of time, no

he didn't call that night. he just let whatever happen, happen. everyone had been concerned about you since you had gotten into the relationship.

dom just stared at the ceiling, occasionally humming a song that popped into his head. the sounds of the heater ran through his ears, a scented candle (oops) filling the room.

I fell in love with my best friend

She fell in love with you instead

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Oh it's me and my misery

his cell phone began to ring and he took a deep breath before answering call.

"'ello?"

"hey. can i come over?"

"uh," dom looked to his right at the bedside clock seeing as it was 10:45 (22:45), "it's late?"

"sorry, i didn't mean to bother you i just--nevermind."

"no, tell me."

"i just need a dom hug."

"come over whenever," he sighed into the phone then hung up.

even in an argument he couldn't have just left you hanging. no matter what he promised himself he wouldn't leave you.

I fell in love with my best friend

Now she is sleeping in your bed

'cause she's a teenage heartbreak queen

Now it's me and my misery

part 2

A/N: hehe cliffhanger. i'll post part 2 when i can! i've had this in my drafts cause the song was stuck in my head for so long. also, sorry this is so angsty.

side note: i'll properly tag it tomorrow.

[mychemicalficrecs]

Do you know any fics that deal with a character (prefer frank or gerard) wearing 'feminine' clothing. Doesn't have to be related to gender issues, but if it's something that other people don't yet know they do that would be preferable. And, I don't mean this disrespectfully, hopefully some that are written in a more mature way, for lack of better wording. A lot of the fics I've found in that topic have been written by a younger crowd which is great, but i'm older and those fics aren't for me

Hi Nonny, I’ve tried to pick fics where the crossdressing is a new thing, but it’s not just Frank or Gerard on this list. And I think I get what you mean, I can be quite particular in what I like to read. Hope these work for you!

Crossdressing

Sing the Revolution by turps, Frank/Mikey, Frank/Gerard/Mikey, 19k, Mature. A high school AU about brothers, best friends, boyfriends, and a lot of cross-dressing.

Frankly Perfect by LadySmutterella, Frank/Gerard, 24k, Explicit. Of all the things Gerard ever expected to come out of starting a band, Frank running a dating agency is maybe the last thing that would have occurred to him. Which just goes to show how much he knows.

Heart Wrapped in Clover by Sena, Frank/Mikey, 19k, Explicit. Everbody's got their not-so-secret secrets on tour. When you live out of a van, you just can't help but notice things that you shouldn't talk about if you don't want to embarrass your friends or start a fight. Frank wishes sometimes they talked about things, though, because he's dying to ask if anybody else has noticed that sometimes, Mikey wears panties.

Cinderella, she seems so easy by MistressKat, Gerard/Mikey, 10k, Explicit. The first time is a complete accident. Then again, a lot of good things in Mikey's life have begun that way – accidentally – so who's he to knock it?

Black Satin by ladyfoxxx, Lindsey/Gerard, 7k, Explicit. Gerard/Lyn-Z crossdressing: Gerard in Lyn-Z's stage outfit - schoolgirl skirt, snug jacket, stockings, panties

Pretty as a picture by redsnake05, Bob/Frank/Gerard, 6k, Explicit. Gerard has a secret, hiding in the sketchbook at the bottom of his bag. When Bob finds out, it could change everything. When they decide to let Frank in on it - only fair, since he's at the heart of it - it does change everything.

The Clothes They Wear by gala_apples, Gerard/Mikey, 3k, Teen And Up Audiences. Sometimes they are themselves-not-themselves.

if you look in the mirror by akamine_chan, Frank/Gerard, 1k, Teen And Up Audiences. Frank toyed with the idea of asking for help, but in the end, decided against it. He wasn’t embarrassed, exactly, or ashamed, but this was new and unsettling and he wasn’t ready to share it with anyone else. He couldn’t meet his own gaze in the mirror and his skin felt tight and prickly as he stripped away the layers of clothes and slid into the shower. He was blushing, he could feel the heat in his face and it pissed him off, because there was no shame in what he was going to do, and yet— He didn’t want to examine what he was feeling too closely.

Trope Meme: Crossdressing, Frank/Gerard by mistresscurvy, Frank/Gerard, 2k, Explicit. "Sorry," Gerard says automatically. Under normal circumstances he would defend himself, retort that the whole point of Frank showing him where the hidden key is kept was to remove the necessity of knocking. But these aren't normal circumstances. These are Frank-in-a-dress circumstances.

Tastes Just Like Cherry Cola by art_brutal, Frank/Mikey, 7k, Explicit. Frank has liked Mikey from afar but, until now, hasn't found a way to get close to him. Of course, things don't run smoothly and Frank finds out more about Mikey (and himself) than he expects. AU (no MCR).

Second Skin by mistresscurvy, Ray/Mikey, 2k, Teen And Up Audiences. When Mikey took a step closer, the skirt pulled against the bare skin of his thighs, the sensation unfamiliar and strange and hypnotic. He took a step back to feel it again, moving in an awkward box in his room, socked feet barely lifting off the floor. His hands ran up and down his sides, palms flaring out over his hips like he could somehow create a curve there with his touch. He couldn't look away from the mirror.

Show Me, Show Me, Show Me by wakingup, Frank/Gerard, 4k, Not Rated. “What the—” he inhaled, unable to tear his eyes away from the back of Frank. As if he could feel it, Frank turned and looked through the crowd. It didn’t occur to Gerard that Frank could be looking for him until Frank’s eyes found him. A wicked smile spread across his red-painted lips when he saw Gerard watching him. Or Frank casually shows up to Hambone's show in drag and Gerard loses his shit.

A Little More Mascara by Arsenic, Frank/Gerard, 2k, General Audiences. Mikey knows all of Gerard's secrets. Frank doesn't

[agentemo]

13 years ago today, when I was 13 years old, I saw My Chemical Romance live for the first time. Can you believe I still have this lineup lmao

My best friend had stayed over the night before. We listened to Pencey Prep and Fall Out Boy, for some reason, and straightened our hair in front of the bathroom mirror that morning before dragging our feet to the Port Authority near Times Square. Of course there was smudged black eyeliner, it was middle school and we were emo.

We arrived at East Rutherford, NJ, for the Bamboozle Festival 2007. It was my first concert ever. The first two bands we saw started at 11:30am on the dot, at the first two stages we saw. We spent the rest of the day at the main stage, waiting for MCR. A plethora of scene greats performed for us: Bayside, Say Anything, Silverstein. We sweated and melted under the sun. At some point, someone got blood on my Vans. I left one time for hotdogs and sodas and managed to squeeze myself back to the front through sheer ignorance and force of will. A tall man named Toby apologized to everyone behind him. He had nice hair.

I had trouble breathing at some point and ended up having to leave the pit. The weight of 10,000 MCR fans trying to get as close to the stage as possible was too much. It devastated me. I was near the back for the rest of Hellogoodbye's set, who were playing right before MCR, and managed to catch some of Muse's set. Then it was back into the pit to get as close as possible to the stage for MCR.

I have a terrible memory. I can only give you snapshots. The screaming during soundcheck, the shadows moving onto the stage, the stranger that wrote "MCR saved my life" with black eyeliner on my face. (Yes, I was that dramatic.) The exhilarating and difficult to believe feeling when that heart monitor started and The Black Parade was suddenly lit up on stage, my voice leaving my throat with thousands of others as I witness one of my favorite albums live in its entirety. Gerard's silly banter and dance moves, the speech that brought me to tears and changed my life, Blood playing over the speakers when they left to take off their shitty makeup and costumes.

They played all of The Black Parade, followed by INO, Cemetery Drive, Venom, Give Em Hell, and finally Helena, clad in all black and leather jackets. On the ride back home, me and my best friend could barely talk and we were starving and dirty and so fucking happy. Fell asleep on each other.

I love My Chem. I have so many fond memories of those shows I went to in my teen years. I wish they knew how much it meant to me. I wish I could thank them for the shows I lost my voice at and all the gay friends I made along the way.

Tune in in a couple weeks when I get sappy about the final time, to date, that I saw them live: Bamboozle 2012.

[jasonsthunderthighs]

I'm sorry you guys are only seein me post MCR stuff.

This year for me has been shit for me; my grandfather (My best friend; Papa) died (March 26th; 4 days after the anniversary of the breakup of MCR, ironically) and I watched him, my best friend in the whole wide world who was there for me as my best friend and my father when my own father wasn't there for me (I'm legit tearing up as I write this), die in a hospital bed in his own home be built from scratch with his eldest son (my uncle) that hospice provided for him, as he didn't want to die in the hospital, surrounded by family who loved and cared for him.

And hearing that last breath taken at 8 in the morning, followed by the death rattle, then nothin else affects you and the ones around you.

I will never forget that. That's nothin you can forget. Ever.

I spent two weeks (requested time from work; I requested the time off from work literally two days before he died. My family thought it was a coincidence; when I told my work that I needed to see my Papa, that he needed me.

I went to his house for him. I was there for him. But he was drugged from the morphine to help with the pain he was in.

He died of skin cancer that he's been battling for years from working in the sun like he always did.

He was 84.

I didn't want him to die. But he had to go.

In June, I heard my grandmother (My other best friend, married to Papa; Nanny) had a stroke.

She recovered. But it scared me so much. I was so worried for her. I'm not a religious person, but I prayed for her to be ok.

During that time, I lost my job.

After I lost my job, I left to go to Nanny. And she wasn't doin well. But I was there for her every day. She even called me into her room to check up on me to see how I am.

She was like my mother when my own mother wasn't there for me as well to be a parent to me. They were both like my parents. I loved 'em, I worshipped the ground they walked on, did everythin for 'em, tried to make 'em proud of me. And they were proud of me; even when nobody was and had no faith in me, they did. They saw bigger things in me and what I could do in my life.

Who does that? You're on your death bed, and you're concerned for me? I was taken aback by it. Nobody in my family but her and Papa cared for me and how I was.

She dies a week after I came back to see her. (July 8th)

She was 78.

They were my best friends. She even told me she would pray for me when she found out I lost my job. I just miss her and Papa so much.

I miss my best friends.

Alcohol, weed, bars, depression. On top of my own father mentally and emotionally hurting me in the process. Using 'em against me, guilt tripping me, manipulatin me, so I won't fight back or do whatever he says and wants without a fight.

I'm just so emotionally tired of this. My life goin upside down.

On top of that, my great grandfather and his twin (on my mum's mum side, maybe Nanny and Papa were Tobin's (my dad) parents) passed this year as well; four people in my family died this year. Four funerals/services (Nanny and Papa were cremated; my great grandfather and his twin were buried) I attended this year.

Too many deaths to handle this year. I can't take it. And I still can't.

Finding out that my favourite band came back together on Halloween, it made me happy. Their music made me happy and gave me joy. They still do.

They always will. Been a fan since '07/'08 (I was in 3rd grade; but I heard of 'em and actually hated 'em at first, cause my parents just got divorced, and I ended up loving 'em in 4th grade) and I'll continue bein a fan until they completely stop making music.

That band is the only thing that's keeping me happy after so much bad that's happened to me in the last 7 months of my life.

This whole rant doesn't have a "deeper" meaning into it. They just helped me through tough times in my life. Helped me with my life for 11/12 years. And they'll continue to help.

Others feel this way as well, and people tell 'em that they're stupid and that they're "cringy" cause "bands don't save people's lives". Well, in this case, my case, they do. They give you hope. And I don't give a damn if that makes me "cringy" for it.

Whatever helps you through life, will help you and it won't make you "cringy" in one bit. Love the things you love and continue on doin/likin what you love.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever done a craft that you found on Pinterest? I did dabble with some water painting a few years ago during Christmastime, actually. I made a few different Christmas poster things inspired by ones I saw on there. Like, they had different Christmasy quotes or song lyrics and some had pictures of Christmas trees or something. Do you get scrapbooking layout ideas from anywhere? I don’t do scrapbooking. What do you do to wipe off the dust from ordinary life? I’m always cleaning under the keys on my laptop. Are you content with mystery, or do you wish you knew everything? Uhh. I wouldn’t want to know everything. I like continuing to learn and discover new things. There’s also things I never want to know. I also like mystery in the sense of surprises. Like, I hate spoilers and I don’t want to know what any presents are before I open them.  What do you do when someone irritates you on Facebook? If I see an annoying or stupid post I just keep scrolling.

Do you think your hair looks better natural or dyed? I think it looks much better dyed red.  Do your parents disrespect you? My parents are respectful, pretty chill people. I mean, we get in disagreements and bicker sometimes, who doesn’t, but I wouldn’t say they disrespect me. Have you found that love covers over a multitude of sins? I mean, you can love someone but that doesn’t excuse their toxic, bad behaviors. It doesn’t mean people can treat you or others cruelly just because you love them. What was the last Grand Opening you went to? Hm. I don’t know if I’ve ever been to a grand opening. Not that I can think of at the moment. Do you have anything coming up tomorrow? Nope. What’s one thing that makes your stomach hurt? I’m lactose intolerant, so having dairy will definitely do that. Otherwise, I just have stomach issues and get stomachaches and pains for whatever reason. Ever had a living nightmare? These past few years in particular. Do you have a lot of haters? Ha. I’m so irrelevant. I’m sure I’m not even on anyone’s radar for them to feel that strongly about me. Outside of my family, I feel people are indifferent to me. I don’t make a big impression. 

Do you think successful people always come with a pack of haters? Yes. There are people who can’t stand to see successful, happy people. They want to try and tear them down. There’s also just a lot of trolls who think it’s fun to hate on people. Do you have supernatural abilities? Uh, no. Do you kick yourself when you make mistakes? Do you say, “I wish I would have” a lot? All the damn time. There’s so much I wish I did and didn’t do and I’m always kicking myself so to speak for it.  Are you doing the most you can with your life? Not even. I’ve completely let these past few years pass me by as I just waste away.  Do you let people walk on you? I’ve had it happen in the past. Are you ok? I always just wanna start belting out to MCR when a question like this comes up. Do you have a friend you miss right now? Former friend, yeah. Do you ever write snail mail to your friends? I don’t have any friends anymore, but nah dude. I’ll send you a text or hit you up on social media if I need to reach you, ha. Do you make your life look better than it is on Facebook? I guess in a way because I don’t post personal shit. I used to post like sad quotes and lyrics and images back in the day, but I stopped doing that years ago. I very rarely post anything anymore and when I do, it’s something funny or #relatable that I saw and shared to my timeline. Or a check-in to somewhere if I think it’s of interest. Mostly; though, I’m just on there scrolling through my feed and “liking” things here and there. Do you feel God’s presence regularly? Yes. Do you experience chronic pain? Yes. Do you believe God loves you and is rooting for you? I know He does. Have you ever dreamt that you were falling? Ugh, yes. Worst feeling. I hate that feeling of jolting awake.  What would your dream career be? I have no idea. Are you a daydreamer? ”You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.” Do you daydream so much that you wonder if there’s anyone who doesn’t? Uhh, I wouldn’t say that. My daydreaming is more me zoning out and dwelling  about things from the past, thinking about current things, or imagining up scenarios.  Do you ever just sit and daydream for awhile? My mind just wanders off like that. Is the snow falling where you are right now? It doesn’t snow here. :( What is your favorite part of nature? The beach, particularly the ocean. Though, we all know I’m not about getting into the ocean. That deep water and the creatures that dwell down there aren’t for me. Just thinking about that... :O I do love looking out at the ocean and just watch/listen to the waves crash in and out. It’s very, very calming. I let my thoughts get swept away with the waves. I also love the cool, ocean air and smell. Do you wish you could be a world traveler? Yes. Do you wish you could live in another city for a year? Ooh. That would be nice. I actually want to move to another city permanently. What city would you like to visit? There’s countless places I want to visit. What has been your favorite city that you’ve visited? Various ones in California.  If you had kids, would you take them to Disney World? Pfft, I’d go now if I could. I don’t need kids for that, ha. I’m the big kid. I love Disneyland, so I’m sure I’d love Disney World as well. Have you ever stood in line to get a Disney character’s autograph? Yeah. As a kid and as an adult, haha. My favorite was a few years ago when we got pictures with Chewbacca and Darth Vader.  Do you own a birthday crown? No. How long does it usually take your hair to dry? Do you dry it naturally or blow-dry it? I just let it air dry. It takes forever, though. Do you straighten your hair? Not anymore. I used to. Do you sleep with a teddy bear? I have a few stuffed animals on my bed that always just sit on my bed. Would you consider yourself a free spirit? No. Do you need to clean out your closet? I actually just did that a couple weekends ago. Do you watch YouTube videos regularly? Yep, everyday.  What’s your favorite coffee shop? Starbucks. Is your Pinterest page cluttered? I have a few pinned things, but I don’t use Pinterest much for that. I use it to find and save photos for my phone background, typically. Do you want to start a collection? I have a few collections. Are you a role model? Would you consider yourself a good example? No. Are you a leader or a follower? I feel like I’m just sitting on the sidelines watching the crowd go by.  Who’s your favorite person? Not a person, but my doggo. (: Who have been your favorite American Idol contestants? I liked a few from the first few seasons like Adam Lambert, David Archuleta, Tim Urban, and of course, Kelly Clarkson. Did you used to name your Barbies? Yep. What unnatural hair color looks best on you? I love dyeing my hair red. Is your life boring? ”I need another story, something to get off my chest. My life is kind of boring, need something that I can confess.” Do you usually feel better around people or alone? Depends. I like spending time with my family, but I also need my alone time. Is there a broken relationship in your life that you want to fix? Oh, like the friendships I ruined a few years ago because I’m a shitty person? I wouldn’t even know where to begin at this point. Like...what could I even say. I know they’re hurt and probably hate me, and I don’t blame them at all. They deserved more than I what I gave them. The more time goes by, the worse it is. I still don’t feel like I’m in the right headspace to try and fix things. Like...I don’t think things would change and we’d end up in the same spot because I’m still a mess. And I feel horrible for feeling this way, but there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to. :X I wish I went about things differently, most definitely, but having some people out of my life now is the worst thing.... Do you ever think about Heaven? Yes. Are you ready for Heaven yet? I pray it’s not my time, yet.  Are you afraid of where you’re going to go? I pray I go to heaven when it is my time. Do you have a tree outside your window? Yes. Do you feel better now than you did last night? I feel the same, really. Is your sleep schedule messed up? Ohhhh yeah. It has been for years. It switches up, though. Still all bad, but different. Like, currently my bedtime is like 5, sometimes 6, in the morning and I sleep until 1. Does your body have any problems with it? It has a lot wrong with it. Are you doing ok spiritually? I’m working on strengthening my relationship with God. Have you taken any huge risks lately? No. Silence or songs? I don’t like complete silence ever. I need something, whether it be the TV, YouTube, or music. I sleep with the TV on for that reason (and for some light because I can’t have it completely dark either). Tea or coffee? Coffeeeee. Books or movies? I enjoy both. Do you ever watch your favorite movies from when you were a kid? Disney movies are timeless. ^If you were going to do that, what would you watch? Something Disney. Do you ignore rude people or do you call them out? I’ll talk shit about them to myself or someone I’m close with like my mom, ha. I don’t confront people. Well, unless it’s someone I’m close to who says or does something rude. Do you have trouble staying organized? With my life, yes. It’s showing externally now; though, too. My room has gotten cluttery and I hate it. It never used to be that way.  What has been your most favorite adventure? All the trips I’ve taken. What has been your greatest mistake? I’ve made a long list of ‘em. Are you happy with your life right now? No. Do you take anything to make your feel better? ”I take prescriptions to make me feel a-okay I know it’s all in my head.” Sorry, ya’ll know I’m always breaking out into song. Anyway, I currently don’t take any anti-depressants or anti-anxiety pills. Are your parents still together? Yes. What color socks do you have on? White. Are you under a blanket right now? I have one wrapped around me. Are you hopeful? :/

[freckled-words]

Repost:Unpaid Punishment Prt 5

edited by @the-wild-ego

WARNING: ANIMAL CRUELTY (in my personal opinion)

This time, when the colours and space around you settled you found yourself outside your house. The sun was beginning to set, and if you could feel the temperature, you’d know there was a bit of mugginess to the air. 

A tug on your leash had you turning to look down the road. 

Coming up the street was you. Now instead of 6, you were 17. You knew this from how you were dressed. 

Black cut off jeans, bright green converse sneakers that had stars hand drawn on them, a Green Day t-shirt, and an MCR hoodie tied around your waist. Your hair was done up in a faux hawk, streaked with bright red, and the amount of eyeliner you wore would have made a raccoon envious. 

Just as you were thinking this wasn’t your greatest apparel phase in life, Phantom chuckled with a bit of honest humour, “So it’s true, everyone goes through a dark phase. I will admit, I’m rather glad you did grow out of it.”

You bit back the retort that sat on your tongue. That maybe you should have, if it meant never being forced to go through this particular point in your history. 

17 year old you stopped just a couple steps from Phantom. He followed her gaze to a red corvette that was parked by the curb. 

He saw from the corner of his eye as both you in the past, and the you of present, pulled your upper lip back in a snarl of distaste. 

You squared your shoulders and marched up to the house, making sure the door slammed shut behind you. 

Phantom dragged you along, forcing you through the closed door. Your continued reluctance to behave only spurred him on. The last memory hadn’t delivered as much pain as he’d wanted. This one seemed to be extremely promising for some anguish. 

17 year old you had been ready to go on the warpath when entering the house. Now he watched you hesitate, waiting with a growing look of unease on your face. 

Not bothering to take off your shoes you went into the kitchen, bending over to check the linoleum floor for something. Not finding it, your urgency spiked higher, panic nearly visible in your eyes as you went to the living room. 

Phantom didn’t hedge you for commentary. He didn’t need to when he could see the growing despair in your features. 

He did continue to drag you as he went to the living room, not wanting to miss the spectacle of drama about to unfold. 

He would be the first to openly admit that his understanding of human emotions wasn’t very profound. He could sympathize in satisfaction, of the flesh or from accomplishment of a goal. He could understand their anger and what might ignite it. But the finer ones: love, infatuation, despair, sadness. They were all out of his grasp. It didn’t stop him from exploiting them though. 

To him, what you were experiencing and reliving, was just a show for him. He was studying all of it. Making notes of what he could use for his own purposes when dealing with potential targets in the future. 

17 year old you ignored your mother and the man that sat comfortably next to her on the couch. From how your mother avoided looking at you, she knew what or who you were looking for. 

When you didn’t find it there, you turned frenzied eyes on the woman, “Where is she? Where’s Hope?”

The man looked between you and your mother. From the twitch at the corner of his mouth, Phantom could tell he was in on things. 

Your mother attempted for a solemn expression, which wasn’t easy for her to do with all the makeup she was wearing. The natural blush of her cheeks and the crinkles at the corner of her eyes made it obvious that she was quite happy with how things currently were.

“I’m so sorry sweetie, but I had to take Hope to the vet. She must have gotten into some food that was bad, or she ate something that wasn’t food at all… There was nothing that the vet could do.”

This had all happened years ago, but hearing these words again, you felt exactly the same as you did on this day. 

A solid lump appeared in your throat as your eyes began to burn with tears. You didn’t believe a goddamn word this woman was spouting. 

When you’d looked for Hope, you’d noticed that her dog bed was gone from its spot in the corner of the living room. Her leash wasn’t hanging on the hook by the door. Even her food and water dish had been removed from the kitchen. Gone was your best friend, your furry clown that always wanted cuddles and kisses, and in her place was this man. The newest one to join the line-up of trashy choices your mother had made ever since your father had left you. 

You weren’t so naive as to not put two and two together. 

Without a word you stomped off to your bedroom and grabbed the one thing you knew she’d miss. Hope’s favourite blanket. It smelled like dog, and had plenty of Hope’s beige and brown fur all over it. 

Bunching it into a ball you rushed back downstairs, and without any warning threw the balled up blanket into the man’s face. 

He exploded into sneezes, and as he did you stared down your mother with every ounce of hatred you could muster. Your voice was choked by your restrained anger, “You want to try and run that bullshit by me again?”

She met your glare without a hint of remorse, only annoyance, “She was old. She was bound to die any day, I just saved her the trouble of waiting.”

Your tears spilled over then, in them were any last shreds of love you’d ever had for this woman that you’d been forced to call ‘mother.’

Then and now, you could have murdered her and not felt a single ounce of regret. 

Phantom could feel the waves of homicidal intent coming from you as a teenager, and you from the present. He hadn’t anticipated this from your character. He knew of human attachment to pets, he’d even considered taking in a cat himself at one point. But that had only been a passing consideration, for the sake of roping in a client. Seeing how you were ready to commit murder over a dog, he gave himself a pat on the back for having dismissed that plan. 

Something about the way the man shifted on the couch, and tossed the blanket away in disgust, drew you back from the intent to lunge at your mother. 

Instead you took a better route and turned your hatred towards him. Your tone spiteful as you told him, “Did she tell you she has crabs? That you're her fifth boyfriend this month? She goes through men real quick, cause they realize how much of a backstabbing monster she is. She just murdered a dog, so you would stay with her. You know who else murders animals? Sociopaths. You might want to keep that in mind.”

Your mother was on her feet and screeching, “How dare you! You worthless brat! You owe me everything, and I will not tolerate such blatant lies and disrespect! Get your ass into your room, I don’t want to see your face for a month!”

You’d gotten in the best strike against her. You’d planted the seed of doubt in her new beau’s mind. If he had any common sense, he’d join the line-up of deadbeat boyfriends that your mother had gone through. 

Having nothing left to say you turned on your heel and went up to your room, but you didn’t intend to stay there. 

Phantom tugged you along, to make you stand outside your bedroom door and listen as you screamed into a pillow. 

He put a hand on your head, drawing your eyes to his so he could ask curiously, “If that man hadn’t been there, and if she’d still done away with your precious Hope, would you have gone through with it? Would you have murdered your own mother.”

At that very moment, facing her down and having your heart ripped from your chest, you knew the answer, “Yes.”

Phantom hummed a small note, and gave your hair a little pat. 

You wanted to be out of this place. You wanted to go home to your current apartment. Just to cry and scream in peace. It hurt so much, to remember all the peaceful nights cuddled up with her. The sunny afternoons when you’d play with her in the sprinkler. Listening to her snore in the background while you worked on your homework. All of it gone, she was gone. Hope had deserved to die in her own natural sleep, with you by her side, so she would know she was loved right up until the last moment. Instead she’d been taken away and left with a stranger, one you hoped had treated her kindly just before she closed her eyes. 

You collapsed to the floor, a gut wrenching sob tearing from your chest as tears streamed down your cheeks. There was no stopping this. You hurt too much. 

Phantom left you there to your agony, not interested in your sobbing. He’d just wanted to be sure you were feeling the pain he’d brought you here for. 

Stepping through the door to your bedroom, he was amused to see you reenacting your father’s final night here. You’d pulled a large duffel bag from the closet, and with tears and snot running down your face, you shoved handfuls of clothes into it. 

When it couldn’t hold anything else, you grabbed a lightweight coat from your closet and tied it around your waist. Your sweater had been thrown into the duffel. 

You diverged from your father’s exit by taking a different route. You’d gone down onto your knees and pulled out a rope from under your bed. With practiced ease you tied one end to the leg of your bed frame and cast the other end out of the window. 

Your duffel bag was thrown out next, landing on the grass with a quiet ‘thump'. Your teenage self gave the room one final look over, then you were climbing out the window and lowering yourself down the rope. 

The memory ended there, sending you and Phantom back to the white space. 

The blanket with its numbing effect quieted your sobs, bringing you back to a more manageable state of mind. 

You still felt raw though. Your stomach threatened to heave in response to the amount of emotions you were being forced to endure for the second time in your life. 

“I must say, when I started this, my intent had only been to teach you a valuable lesson. Instead I’m learning so much about you. I could have been utilizing your capabilities to a much better degree.” 

Since you hadn’t moved from the ground, Phantom took your kneeling position as an invitation to pet your head. 

You ignored his touch, choosing to wipe the tears from your cheeks you asked demurely, “Are we done?”

Phantom tsked and gave a light rap on your head with a knuckle. “We’ll be done after we take a look at this last one. From what I’m sensing, this one took place not too long ago. What was it, one, two years ago?”

There was only one incident you could think of that had happened in the past couple years. Your voice was hollow, even to your own ears when you answered, “Three years ago. My final semester in college.”

Smiling at the resignation he could see in your eyes and posture, he held out a hand. 

You accepted it and let him pull you to your feet. 

Instead of pulling you along by the leash, you felt the tiniest spark of surprise when he held onto your hand and guided you towards the third cloud. 

There were no remarks, or barked orders. He simply towed you through the darkness and out onto a snowy campus.

[liugeaux]

Greatest Songs Ever - Part 11 (Self Actualization)

self-actualization [self-ak-choo-uh-luh-zey-shuh]

the achievement of one's full potential through creativity, independence, spontaneity, and a grasp of the real world.

It's been 3 years since I’ve done a “Greatest Songs Ever” list.  At that time I was trying to dip into retro music and find songs I connected with that were released before I was even born. That whole process was stressful, migraine-inducing and worst of all, it felt forced. For the next set of songs, I’ve chosen the theme of “Self Actualization”.  

I am not able to properly formulate an opinion about music I wasn’t there for, I know this now. Instead, I’ll continue to pull songs I am intimately familiar with to create a quality product on this blog. That’s not me shitting on older generations of music, it's just me finally achieving my full potential when it comes to building a playlist. Let’s get started.  

2006 “Tears Don’t Fall”  - Bullet For My Valentine

If I were to list the genres of music I love, Metal would be number like 4 or 5.  However, every once in a while a song peers it’s head out of the wreckage and catches my ear. From the first guitar chords “Tears Don’t Fall” grabbed me. I’m gonna call it a ballad because it feels like a song that should make me sad. Most screamy emo songs don’t carry the emotional weight they are designed to, but BFMV hits a nerve with “Tears Don’t Fall” that most bands aren’t even able to dream of.  Hell, BFMV has yet to release a song that even scratches the surface of “Tears Don’t Falls’” guttural impact.

2006 “The Sharpest Lives” - My Chemical Romance

I know, I know, this nearly forgotten MCR track wasn’t even a stand out when the seminal The Black Parade album was released, but somehow it has stood the test of time in my library. No MCR song more perfectly encapsulates both the aggression and awkwardness of the band’s entire catalog. “If it looks like I’m laughing, I’m really just asking to leave” is just one of the dozen perfect MCR lyrics on this track. I love “Welcome to The Black Parade”, “This Is How I Disappear”, “Mama”, “Teenagers” and the rest of the 100% classic Black Parade, but “The Sharpest Lives” hits harder both sonically and emotionally than most of the songs released in its decade.  

2006 “Stop This Train” - John Mayer

Ok, let’s slow it down a bit. This isn't this first time I’ve talked about John Mayer in this blog and not even the first time he’s made this list, but its a crime that “Stop This Train” has never been mentioned with the proper respect on it’s name. Written as a touching anthem about the existential nature of growing old, “Train” is the perfect John Mayer song. It combines his knack for simple and honest guitar parts with lightly metaphoric lyrics that cut directly into the segments of our psyche that make us human. The older I get the more this song makes me cry...and that can’t be unestimated.    

2004 “All Downhill From Here”  - New Found Glory

NFG has always been a stealthy favorite band of mine. “All Downhill From Here” is NFG at the height of their power. Once upon a time, I was ashamed to “like” any pop-punk outside of Green Day because of the perceived social implications. Jordan Pundik’s voice is just punky enough to turn most people off at first listen, but through the storm and the years, I’ve realized that NFG is kinda my spirit animal when it comes to pop-punk music. As for the song, it's endlessly singable and has a strong bridge, the two most important parts of any song I wish to immortalize on this dumb list.  

2003 “How About You”  - Staind

This is an admittedly weird one. As the forgotten 3rd single from Staind’s 4th album “How About You” is a song not many people know, however, when I dig into the archives it always floats to the top. Even with its vaguely religious lyrics and somewhat self-righteous delivery, “How About You” is sung with an earnestness not found in nu-metal. Sometimes when I listen to this song I wonder if Aaron Lewis realizes how unique it is to his chosen genre.  

2002 “Harder to Breathe” - Maroon 5

This one is a softball. Everyone knows "Harder to Breathe”, everyone loves "Harder to Breathe”. Its become a go-to karaoke knock-out. So much so that people ask me to sing it all the time. Equal parts pure song-writing talent, and light cultural appropriation, “Harder to Breathe” is funky for white-people-music and that’s really all it needs to succeed. All of Maroon 5′s tracks following that first album have a self-aware calculated feel to them, but “Harder To Breathe” is the best that first album has to offer and is a talented first stab at making a name out of something.  

2011 “Little Black Submarines” - The Black Keys

Most of The Black Keys tracks have an air of pretentiousness to them that’s hard to get past. I like tracks like “Lonely Boy” and “Howlin’ For You” but neither of them sound genuine. They sound like 2 dorky white dudes playing the part of ironic rock stars, which ultimately leads to them making songs for frat guys who are too cool to listen to typical frat guy music. “Little Balck Submarines” is a HUGE exception to your typical Black Keys song, and its the only time I’ve felt real emotion from the duo. 

2007 “Watch Over You” - Alter Bridge

I’ve always liked this song, but it wasn’t until I saw Alter Bridge at the fair a few years ago that I LOVED this song. Alter Bridge gets a lot of shit for being the offspring of Creed, but it's really unwarranted. They are one of the only bands still around carrying the torch for normal-ass rock music. Some may turn their nose up at it, but Alter Bridge has some bangers. “Watch Over You” is your stereotypical, pull out your lighters, ballad, that’s written vaguely enough for it to cover several different relationship dynamics. Its real strength comes from Myles Kennedy’s vocals. He might be the best singer in rock music today.  

1997 “My Own Summer (Shove It)” - Deftones 

In 1997 I was transitioning from being a hard-core Garth Brooks fan, into rock music in a big way. Bands like Nirvana, STP, Pearl Jam, Bush, and Live had a back catalog that I was swimming in the deep end of. The Deftones, and more specifically “My Own Summer” represented a “cooler” and more edgy version of this new found love of Rock music. Chino Mareno’s vocals during the chorus singing “Shove It!” might have been the most aggressive vocals I had ever heard to that point. I still get the occasional goosebump when jamming this track.  I can’t say I was ever cool enough to truly understand why the Deftones were great, but “My Own Summer” is a cornerstone of the musical taste of my formative years.  

2015  “Here to Mars” - Coheed and Cambria

13 years and 7 albums in, I was sure I had heard the best Coheed and Cambria had to offer. “Gravemakers & Gunslingers” was even included in this dumb series of blogs. I wasn’t a huge fan of The Aftermath and I assumed C&C were on their way out creatively. Then they released The Color Before the Sun and I was impressed. That album was their first outside of the silly sci-fi narrative they’ve been weaving for 15 years now. Track 4, “Here To Mars” is a surprisingly straight forward love song that has grown into one of my favorite songs of this decade. Seriously, it’s probably a top 5 from the teens for me. It’s as big as older Coheed songs, but still carries a touching sentiment that I just don’t get from the rest of their library. Of all the songs on this list, I recommend this one the most.  

Ok, that wasn’t so hard...maybe I’ll bang another one of these out soon. Who knows? 

[robinrunsfiction]

The Lonely Road

Pairing: Gerard Way x Female Reader

Rating: Teen (for online harassment)

Requested By: None

Word Count: 2,400

Author’s Note: Inspired by the song Outnumbered by Dermot Kennedy, so feel free to give it a listen as you read. Originally this was gonna be a Valentine’s story, but now Valentine’s is over, and so I just took out the brief mentions of it. Also it’s a Gerard story so of course it’s longer than intended so taking parts out probably is for the better 😅 Shout out to my number one @mariawritesfanfic for helping me wrap this story up

You scrolled through your twitter feed, as hours on the tour bus left you with few other options to pass the time. Your new album had just come out and you wanted to see how people were reacting to it. 

OMG @(YFN)(YLN)’s album is awesome! Everyone check it out now!

The only reason she’s famous is bc of @gerardway

The album is ok if you consider she fucked her way into stardom

I stg if mcr ever breaks up it’s gonna be (YN)'s fault

(YN) should just break up with gee so he can be with frank liek everyone knows he wants to be

You felt sick to your stomach as you read through the messages. Sure there were tweets from fans saying how much they enjoyed the album, and they love Gerard and you together, but those weren’t the ones that stuck out in your mind. It was the negative messages that caught your attention and soured your mood.

As if he was reading your thoughts, a text from Gerard appeared on your screen. “Hey sugar, congrats on the album. It’s amazing and so are you xoxo love you”

You could feel the tears welling up in your eyes at the love and kindness of his message. “Thanks love," you replied before tossing your phone aside. You pulled shut the curtain on your bunk and let the tears fall silently. 

~

You had met Gerard at an award show. You had always been a fan of his and My Chem, but you were beyond nervous to say anything to him when you saw him across the room. When he approached you and said he actually had been listening to your music and was a fan, you thought you might transcend onto another plane of existence right then and there. You found him to be surprisingly easy to talk to and exchanged phone numbers so you could hang out sometime.

Hanging out sometime turned into hanging out often. Then one night under the stars in his backyard, your casual hanging out turned into sharing your thoughts, hopes, and fears you'd never voiced to anyone. The next day you were worried you'd never see or hear from him again, having revealed too much of your emotional baggage too soon, but that afternoon he called and asked you out on a real date. The date was perfect for two people like you and Gerard, complete with a tender, careful kiss that took your breath away. In an instant, you were falling hard.

After that it really became you and Gerard. When all of your friends found out, they were so happy for both of you, as they could see how happy you made each other. Then one day the rest of the world figured it out as well. Gerard had come to one of your recording sessions and had snapped a picture of you laughing in the recording booth and posted it online with the caption "the most beautiful person making the most beautiful sounds ❤" The fans put it together and a barrage of messages flooded your social media feed. Some people thought it was cute, many were awful, but you let it all roll off your back as you were too in love to care what anyone thought.

Months passed, and now that album was out. You had hoped Gerard would be able to join you on the road, but My Chem was in the studio themselves so he wasn't able to be there. You understood, but being away from him for the first time, while dealing with the stress of releasing an album, your first tour, and his angry fans, it was almost getting to be too much.

You had finally fallen asleep only to be awakened what felt like moments later by your manager Christine's voice.

"Rise and shine rock star, time to charm the lovely people of," she paused and you could hear her flipping through papers, "Fort Wayne, Indiana."

You sighed. You had wanted this for so long, it had been your dream for years. But now you were questioning everything.

~

"We're joined in studio by (YFN) (YLN), her new album just came out last week and we are loving it here on 106.7 FM," the overly cheerful radio host announced. “You have a lot of fans here in Madison!”

"Thank you," you replied with a tired smile. You hoped your lack of energy wasn't evident by your voice.

"Tell us, how much of an influence was your boyfriend? And for anyone who hasn't heard, (YN) is dating that oh so sexy MCR frontman, Gerard Way."

You had gotten this question at almost every interview, as if you were incapable of creating your own music. "He was there for some of the recording sessions, but a lot of the album was written before we met, so not a huge influence musically."

"What's it like to date someone so famous?"

"I mean, it's not like a topic of conversation for us," you replied sharply. You glanced up and saw the look Christine was giving you. "I mean, we talk about music and our projects and give each other feedback, but that's pretty much it. We're pretty normal weirdos."

After the interview was over and you played a few songs live, and then reboarded the bus.

"What the fuck was that?" Christine asked as the bus rolled down the road.

"What the fuck is with these interviews? It's never about me and my music. It's about Gee or the people on the internet and all the bullshit! That's not why I'm out here! I want to talk about my songs!"

Christine nodded. "Ok, I'm sorry girl. You're right. I'll make sure the next one we keep it focused on the music. We can't have you blowing up on another host."

"I didn't blow up! I snapped at worst," you retorted, rolling your eyes.

"Either way, we're on our way to Iowa now."

"Can't wait," you muttered and crawled into your bunk.

~

The dark cloud that had settled over you was not going away or getting better. While Christine was doing a better job of reminding the interviewers beforehand to lay off the relationship questions, they still came up, sometimes after the actual interview was over, sometimes they just disregarded your wishes all together to get juicy gossip. You did your best not to appear annoyed, but the longer you were away from Gerard, the harder it got.

She's an ugly, untalented leech! She doesn't love gee or else she would have put a song about him on the album!

He doesnt seem happy like he used to before her

The album jsut sucks. I mean i didnt listen to it, i just assume it does

She should just die

You couldn't take it any longer. The constant, incessant stream of hate coming at you was too much. You dialed Gerard and went into the back of the bus, shutting the door behind you.

"Hey (YN), how is everything goin?"

"I can't do it anymore Gee," you said, trying to keep your voice steady 

"Do what?" He asked, immediately concerned.

"Tour, be a musician, be someone in the public eye, I can't take it!" You sobbed, unable to control your emotions any longer. "I feel like I have no privacy anymore! Everything I do is wrong, everything I don't do is wrong! I just wanna give up! I don't wanna do this anymore!"

"Hey, hey, sugar, it's ok. Did someone say something to you today?"

"It's been every fucking day," you cried. "I wanna come home, I don't wanna do this anymore. I don't want anyone to know who I am anymore."

"Take a deep breath," Gerard said, trying to keep you calm. "Where are you?"

"On the bus."

"Where are you going, or where were you?"

"I don't even know anymore. All I see is fucking corn everywhere."

"Ok, umm, where is Christine?"

"In her bunk," you sniffled.

"Can I talk to her?"

You got up and made your way to the bunks and knocked on the frame surrounding Christine's.

"Yea?" She asked, opening the curtain. "Woah, girl, what's wrong?"

"Gee wants to talk to you," you said holding out your phone.

"Hello? What's going on?" Christine asked Gerard. She listened and nodded and mm hmm'ed along. "She seemed stressed, but not that bad," she said as she watched you sink wearily to the floor, pulling your knees to your chest. "No, I hadn’t heard that… Yea, we're setting out from Omaha now, on our way to Denver," she paused. "Ok... Yea... Sounds good. Yea, we'll get our girl through this."

You looked up at her from your spot on the floor and she smiled down sympathetically and handed the phone back to you.

"Gee?" You said softly, the anger and fear and frustration having quieted.

"Hey sugar, we've got a plan for you, you're gonna be ok. But where are you hearing from the people that are criticizing you?"

"Twitter," you mumbled and you heard Christine mutter "I knew it."

"Delete it, you don't need that in your life. You're too talented and beautiful and wonderful to let anyone make you feel anything less," he said gently. "I love you, (YN) ."

"Love you too," you replied, a smile finally cracking through.

"Get some rest, we'll talk soon."

~

You had immediately crawled into your bunk and fallen into a deep sleep. The weight of your thoughts no longer weighing you down now that you had shared them with Gerard. When you finally woke up, you were rolling into Denver. You made your way to the front of the bus to find Christine on her phone.

"What's on the schedule today?" You yawned.

"Nothing."

"What?"

"You need a day off. We've been pushing you way too hard, and I just wish I would have realized it sooner. So we moved your interview to tomorrow afternoon and we're staying here overnight."

"Really?" You asked, stunned.

"Yep, we're going to the hotel right now."

It was incredibly refreshing to be in a hotel with a real bed and shower, and everyone was actually thankful for your meltdown that got them this break. 

You took an extra long, hot shower to allow your muscles to relax, and then crawled into bed to call Gerard and give him an update. As his phone rang you heard a knock on your door. Keeping your ear to your phone in case he picked up you answered the door. 

"Gerard!" You squealed as you launched yourself at him and he wrapped you in his arms.

"I missed you so much (YN)," he murmured against your neck. "I couldn't stand to hear the pain in your voice and not be there to make it better.”

"But you hate flying! And your studio time!" You exclaimed as you pulled him into your room and he dropped his bag on the floor.

“We were spinning our wheels and needed a break from recording,” he smiled reassuringly before he leaned in and kissed you with all the longing that had built up over the weeks apart. You ran your hands through his black hair and felt the tears slip down your cheeks. “And I’d fly to the moon if it meant I could spend a minute with you. I just wish I could have been here for you from the beginning, I wish I realized that you were struggling.”

���I didn’t want you to worry about me. I thought I could handle it, but everything kept chipping away at me until I broke down completely.”

“I wanna worry about you, (YN). You’re my girl and I love you, and I wanna be there for you no matter what,” he said softly, wiping away the tears on your cheeks.

“Thank you,” you replied. “It’s just hard when it’s coming at you from every direction.”

“I know,” he said, pulling you back to him in a tight hug. “But for today it’s just you and me. No one else matters.”

You smiled up at him before pulling him into another sweet kiss.

~

The next morning you woke up with Gerard’s arms wrapped around you, holding you close. It almost felt too good to be true. As he slowly started to wake up, he gave you his lopsided smile and you couldn’t help but grin in return.

“I needed this so much,” you said as you buried your face against his neck.

“I did too,” he said squeezing you tight, his voice still raspy with sleep.

“Thank you for being here. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” he said leaning down to give you a quick kiss. “Wait, I didn’t give you your presents yet.”

“What presents?” You asked sitting up, as he reached over the side of the bed to grab his bag. "I don’t have anything for you!"

"It's nothing, just a couple things I made for you," he said pulling out a large flat envelope and handing it to you.

You carefully pulled out the drawing that was inside. "Oh it's beautiful!”

"It's us the night we watched the stars and talked for hours. That was the night I realized I was falling in love with you. I was so scared you wouldn't even like me like that," he laughed softly.

"It's perfect," you replied. "What's this? ‘Gee+(YN)=gross, a big sappy love mix’" you laughed at scribbled handwriting on the cover of the cd case. Around the words was a big heart and lots of little hearts.

"It’s a mix of songs that remind me of you, and me and you, but Frank decorated the cover. He doesn't really think we're gross, he's just-"

"Frank," you laugh.

"Exactly," Gerard replied. "I was just hoping this would help you get through the last days of your tour."

"It will," you smiled and threw your arms around him. “I think just having you here for a day was enough to get me through. And I know now that I shouldn’t just bottle up what I’m feeling.”

Gerard nodded. “We’re a team, you and me. Let me help you when you’re down and keep you safe from all the bastards and shit talkers.”

“Sounds like a plan,” you smiled as you leaned in and kissed him. “But only if you promise to let me help you do the same.”

“I promise.”