#three months in I'm still trying to figure out my feelings about this game

[supernova2395]

Still formulating™ my thoughts on the matter, but the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced Rook is basically reflecting Mythal's place in the narrative.

She believed in the status quo and was willing to work within the corrupt system to keep peace whilst never acknowledging the issues with it simply because people 'could/will die', and those saying there's something fundamentally wrong are simply overreacting.

On the surface, it doesn't seem like a bad place to be. After all, people dying is not good, but without constructively engaging with the issues presented with the status quo, it comes from a place of deliberate ignorance.

Which would be fine if that was how you were choosing to play your Rook, but there is no other path presented to you. You can never ask for more information, nor can you interrogate anyone for answers.

And Veilguard isn't alone in this. I had a friend ask me what an alienage was yesterday because they never came up in DAI, but at least DAI tried. I just felt Veilguard was deliberately withholding information from you whilst also skittering around the topics, and it left such a bad taste in my mouth.

[archangeldyke-all]

I feel like Sev is a total dad in that any time she gets into an argument with one of The Kids (tm), she will absolutely never verbally apologize. She will, however, appear with ten crates of a fruit that they mentioned they liked approximately one time in passing or just randomly decide to take them somewhere fun. Just randomly…Totally not because she feels bad or anything…

AD:FAS:DF:ASJDF this is so sweet okay

men and minors dni

it's easier for her to apologize to isha.

the kid's so tiny, and her big gold eyes are so cute, and she doesn't have much ...history... with isha-- so when she accidentally steps on isha's fingers, or eats the leftovers isha was saving for herself in the fridge, or farts when isha's standing right behind her-- a quick "oh, my bad, isha" or "sorry, kiddo" slip off her tongue easily.

of course, this doesn't change the fact that she'll feel guilty as hell for the rest of the day and spoil isha endlessly. but still, it's a little easier for her to actually say sorry when it's baby isha.

it's different with jinx.

for one thing... jinx talks. and jinx talks back. sevika's good at a lot of things, but quick comebacks are not her strong suit. usually, she gets flustered and gruffs out a 'shut the fuck up' which leads to an even bigger argument.

for another thing, jinx and sevika have been squabbling for years. and sometimes those squabbles were... intense, to say the least. the recent familial feelings sevika and jinx have formed for each other have not always existed.

so... it's a little harder for sevika to apologize to her.

she always knows when she's gone too far. she's incredibly intuitive, she's able to read jinx's micro-expressions like an open book. so it's not like she needs help in realizing her mistakes.

it's just the apologizing for it that's hard for her.

about three months into the girls moving in with you, jinx and sevika get into their first real fight as family.

you and isha watch with cringes as they both fling insults and soft objects at each other-- fighting in the way people fight only when they've known each other forever.

it ends with jinx fleeing to her room and sevika reaching for her emergency cigarette stash. she only allows herself a pack a year, so you know she feels horrible when she grabs two.

isha rushes to comfort jinx. you rush to comfort your wife.

"you alright?" you ask as you step onto the back porch. sevika just shrugs.

"i'll get over it. she'll get over it." she mumbles. you wrap an arm around her shoulders, and sevika groans. "shit, i feel so bad. i shouldn't lose my shit with her like that anymore."

"...probably not." you hesitantly agree. sevika huffs and elbows you, and you just kiss her cheek. "but mistakes are alright, babe. we're still learning. both of us. yesterday i caught isha playing with one of our vibrators. she was using it as a mini bazooka in her game of doll wars--" sevika cuts you off with a burst of surprised laughter, and you smile. "point is we're figuring it out as we're going. and nobody's bleeding, so i'd count that as a win."

sevika sighs and agrees with you, stubbing out her cigarette and kissing you soundly.

you think that's the end of it until you're at the store with jinx the next day.

"did sevika say anything to you about... like... robbing a convience store or something?" jinx asks. you blink.

"what?"

jinx shrugs. "this morning she woke me up by shoving, like, an industrial sized box of flamers onto my bed. like fifty pounds of flamers!" jinx giggles. you smile. that explains her and isha's red stained mouths this morning-- and why sevika was out so late last night. "so i dunno. i'm just trying to figure out where she got 'em from."

"she bought them, jinx. she's saying sorry to you."

"...sorry for what?" she asks.

"for the fight you got in last night!" you giggle.

jinx blinks again, like she's never been apologized to before. it's likely that she hasn't. you sigh and wrap an arm around her shoulder. "...sevika's never apologized to me before." she says. you nod. "at least, not without silco threatening her job, or something."

"you weren't her kid back then." you say.

a smile ticks up at the corner of her mouth, and jinx giggles.

"why didn't she just say 'sorry?' she musta spent at least a hundred on that box--"

"she's not the best with her words, jinx, you know this." you say with a laugh. jinx cackles and nods.

taglist!

@fyeahnix @lavendersgirl @half-of-a-gay @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner

@kissyslut @chuucanchuucan @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther

@sevikaspillowprincess @emiliabby @sevikasbeloved @hellorai @my-taintedheart

@glass-apothecary @macaroni676 @artinvain @k3n-dyll @sevsdollette

@ellieslob @xayn-xd @keikuahh @maneskinwh0re @raphaellearp

@iamastar @sevikitty @mascdom @nhaaauyen @annesunshiner

@mirconreadzztuff22 @veoomvroom @lushh-s3vik4s @katyawooga @lesbodietcoke

@lavandasz @strawberrykidneystone @sevikasfan @fict1onallyobsessed

[plussizefantasia]

Hi! I was wondering if I could request a reader x eddie munson oneshot where reader is very touch starved but is very nervous about asking to be held/be touched by another person or to touch them. Maybe they just started dating so they are still trying to get to know each other's love languages and things they're shy about but Eddie notices that reader is acting stranger and is trying to figure out why.

I personally was thinking like a non-smut story if that's okay, just plain fluffy romance to help me feel some comfort in my life.

I love your writing BTW! As a plus sized girl it's so nice to read stories about people my size. I feel like I can just relate to your characters. Thanks! Have a lovely day :)

eddie munson x reader wc: 1.7k a/n: I'm just going to leave this here and pretend like I didn't disappear for literal months hehe

cw: cursing (not a lot)

You and Eddie hadn’t been together long but the time you had been together was some of the best of your life. He got you in ways that nobody else did, he had a devil-may-care attitude about a lot of things, but not you. From the very first time, the two of you talked you knew that he was going to mean the world to you someday, you just didn’t expect that day to come weeks later with a stolen kiss under an oak tree in the back of the school. 

That had really been the only kind of affection you two had had, Eddie had a tendency to express himself with his words more than his touch which was okay with you. Both your parents were the same way, they would tell you they were proud of you and give you compliments and things like that but neither of them really ever offered up physical affection. You had grown up with it, you were used to it. 

Eddie’s compliments were different from the ones you got from your parents and they were a lot more cheesy that's for sure, but they were never in short supply. Eds practically showered you with his sweet words every time he saw you and you left every interaction with him more sure that this was the guy for you.

That didn’t mean that you didn’t crave to be held, and now that Eddie and you were official that craving had ramped up in your mind. You couldn’t be in the same room without thinking about what it would be like to be wrapped up in his arms. You wondered what it would feel like for the two of you to hold hands in the hallway, or to sit right up next to each other on the couch in the Munson trailer while the two of you watched the same three movies on repeat. 

Movie night at the Munson place started long before the two of you were dating, Eddie had invited all of the Hellfire club to hang at his place during lunch one day and you being the “unofficial mascot”- a term Eddie had coined for you after you stumbled into the room they were playing in and decided to stay and watch- were of course invited.

Weeks went by and slowly more and more of the guy bailed on Movie night until it was just you and Eddie left, you two had long since exhausted the stash of VHS’ that either of you owned but at this point you weren’t really there to watch the movie at all. Just sitting next to each other and talking was the real best part of Munson Movie Night.

Movie nights were on Friday nights, as it didn’t conflict with the DnD schedule and your parents had a more lax curfew on the weekend. Plus now that the two of you were “together-together” you could stay the night and all the adults were chill about it (your dad was not on board at first but your mother told him to relax).

“Alright Angel, what’ll it be this time? Grease, Rocky Picture Horror Show, or Star Wars?” Eddie asked, placing a bowl of popcorn down on the low table in front of the couch and walking over to the bookshelf that held more board games, VHSes, and Vinyl than actual books.

“Well you’ll get too invested in Star Wars and we watched Rocky Horror last week so Grease it is.” You leaned forward and grabbed a handful of popcorn. 

“I resent that accusation, mostly because I know you’re right.” Eddie grabbed the box for Muppets in Space and popped it into the player before joining you on the couch. A good ten inches in between you.

You handed him the bottle of coke you had grabbed for him and relished in the way his fingers brushed you when he took it. All too soon though, his attention was snagged by the movie’s exposition and yours was left to ponder and wish for more.

It wasn’t that Eddie was a bad boyfriend, that was far from the truth he was one of the sweetest boys you had ever known and he was attentive in a lot of ways the past boys you’ve been with haven’t. He just wouldn’t touch you. And (not so) deep down you craved his warmth, you craved the closeness that came with being able to put your hands on him and vice versa. It wasn’t just about the touch, it was about the connection that came with letting someone close to you like that.

Apparently, while you had been musing, Eddie had shifted his gaze to you, and he had certainly caught your thousand-yard stare and the way you were practically gnawing on your lip as you thought.

“Hey.” He threw a piece of popcorn at you, it landed in you hair but didn’t pull you out of your head.

Two more pieces of popcorn, one on your lap and one down your shirt (lucky shot) before Eddie got seriously worried.

“Hey,” he moved closer to you, “Earth, to Angel, what’s going on?” he waved his hand in front of your face and snapped once, twice, three times before your head shot to the side and you looked into his eyes.

“Wha? Oh, Nothing.” You shook your head as if to expel the thoughts from your ear. “Just this stupid math quiz in Donahughe's class.”

“Oh man,” Eddie clicked his tongue, “You’re lying.” He said simply.

“Am not.” You crossed your arms over your chest.”

“Are too, you're doing that thing that you do when you lie.”

“What thing?” You furrowed your brows and looked back at him, pulling your legs up onto the couch and in front of you, shifting your whole body to face him.

“You do this thing with your lips, you pull your front lip in between your teeth, imakes you look a little like Kermit.”

“I do not!” You think for a second. “Holy shit, I totally do! How’d you even catch that.”

“I pay attention, Angel. I pay attention to a lot of stuff about you, which is how I know that something is wrong.”

You inhaled a big breath and let it fall out of you as a sigh, “It’s really nothing Eds, I promise.”

“If it was really nothing then you wouldn’t be sitting over thinking about it instead of watching Danny lose the best thing that ever happened to him.” Eddie nodded his head towards the TV, on which the movie was still running. “Sooooo, what’s wrong?”

“I-” You took a deep breath. “I- fuck why is this so hard to say.” You stood from your place on the couch and stepped back so that you could have room to pace. “I want a hug.” You finally let out.

“A hug? What?”

“Well not just a hug, but that would be a nice place to start. I- God I want to hold hands with you in the hallway and rest my head on your shoulder. I want to sit next to you at lunch close enough that our things touch, I want to snuggle up next to you when we watch movies, I want to kiss you goodbye, and hello and whenever the hell I want to. I want to be in your arms and I didn’t know how to ask because I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable and- I don’t know.” You let it all out as you walked back and forth in front of the low table. Not looking at Eddie once during your tirade only for your eyes to land on his when you peter off at the end.

“Angel.” Eddie stood up, walking closer to you. “If you wanted a hug all you had to do was ask,” In one move Eddie pulled you into his chest, your arms curled up and trapped between your bodies. His arms came to rest behind you, one draped around your shoulders and the other resting comfortably at the small of your back. He continued talking, the vibration from his words rumbling his chest and into your own. “I’m sorry, I guess I don’t even realize that I don’t hug you as much as I should. If I’m honest I think it’s because I like looking at you too much to pull you in this close. But now that we’re here I think this might be better.”

“It is nice.” Your voice is quiet but he hears every word.

Eddie hummed in agreement and rested his head on top of your own. You’re not sure how long you two stood there but you savored every moment. The warmth of his arms seeped into your skin and the smell of the laundry detergent you bought him last week clouded your nose. He placed a couple of kisses on the top of your head and you could feel yourself melt each time. 

“Angel?” He asked.

You hummed.

“The movie is over.”

You looked up and sure enough, the credits were rolling and the tape was about to end. “Oh, I actually kind of wanted to watch it though,” Your lips pushed into a little pout. It only graced your face for a second before Eddie let go of you and moved back towards the TV.

“That’s okay, I’ll rewind it and we can watch it for real this time.”

“Really?” You asked, “It’s already late and I dont want to make you-”

“Shush.” Was his reply. He rewound the tape and got back up to face you. He held his hand out and you took it immediately. He pulled you back towards the couch and into his side, grabbing a blanket that was resting on your arm and spreading it out over the two of you.

You got as close to him as you could, not even bothering to hide the smile that shone across your face. 

The two of you spent the rest of the night like that, leaning against each other and watching the movie. And when Wayne walked out to the two of you sleeping on top of each other the next morning he just adjusted the blanket that had fallen in the night and went on his way.

[ravenstargames]

✦ Lost in Limbo Devlog #13 | 11.11.24

Feels good to be back! This is our first post-Kickstarter devlog and I'm so excited to be writing it.

First of all— Lost in Limbo was successfully funded on September 20th, 2024! 🎉🎇

Yep, it has been almost two months, but it's still something to celebrate! Thanks to every single one of you for making this possible! We didn't meet all our stretch goals (there were a lot and taxes are a pain) but that doesn't mean we are giving up on those. More on that another time.

There's a lot of things we want to show y'all, so let's jump into it!

A sneak peak of Envy's postcard!

Raquel has been working hard on getting the "special postcards from your favorite LI" ready to send them to print ASAP! Initially we were going to use art we already had of the LIs, but we thought it was more exciting to offer y'all exclusive art pieces. After this, Raquel will focus exclusively on the rework of the sprites!

We hosted a few polls and got a lot of feedback. If you missed it, you can check it here!

Astro says hello :^)

As you know, the Extended Demo will feature more locations, including a glimpse of the MC's city, Faybourne! Astro is getting the main street ready for you and your bestie as you go on about your day. I've calculated around three / four different and new locations to properly pace the demo as we imagined it in the first place!

The writing deparment (me. i'm the department) has been focusing on the Extended Demo script. I have a lot of things to play with, like the flavor choices, the personality choices, and more. I want to create a proper balance because one of the things y'all asked for was more choices, and the pacing needed a bit of fixing, as we already knew!

The Extended Demo will actually introduce characters you've heard about, like your mom, your ominous grandmother, and your bestie. So no more talking about them, you'll actually get to meet them like we wanted to!

There will also be more time with the LIs, and hopefully the amount of time you spend with each one of them will feel more balanced, too.

Programming has been an adventure! Huge shoutout to Feniks for helping me figure out how to properly make a toggle for the timed choices as well as helping me polish the personality system. What a lifesaver!

So the timed choices toggle now works perfectly. That means you'll be able to turn them off if you'd like to play the game without being jumpscared by a timer—that doesn't mean you won't be able to mess up, though, on purpose or not :^) This is a dark game, after all!

The personality choice system lets you decide how the MC reacts to things including the nature of your romance with the LI. That means dialogue will automatically change in certain parts of the game to reflect the personality of your MC, some options will be locked, some unlocked, etc. There's three different personalities available.

For colorblind folks, the choices will have a different icon when you hover over them for you to know they're different!

Also, I've started coding some extra mini cgs Kayden's been working on! There'll be more in the Extended Demo to enhance the experience, so we hope you enjoy them! :^)

All the packaging stuff has arrived to our provisional headquarters (Raquel's home), and our business cards have been secured! Every backer with physical goodies will receive one for free :^) This month has been all about managing Backerkit, orders and merch, as well as preparing the Extended Demo. We hope we can receive everything very very soon and start shipping packages starting December!

For now, that's it! There's a lot of stuff going behind the scenes, a lot of things that need attention, and a lot of planning happening. Also the catastrophe the DANA has been on our cities is keeping me a bit on edge, but I'm trying to focus on work. This Saturday I'm going on a trip to Greece with my family, so I'll disconnect then! It's our first time traveling to a different country since I was like...seven years old? And we have been saving up and preparing a lot for the trip, so we are excited :^)

I hope everyone has been taking care and doing alright! Have a huge hug from the Ravenstar Team, and see you around!

[mooki3-bear]

I Need You pt.2 (paige bueckers x black!reader

Part one <3

Summary: You and Paige finally unite

Warning: Just cursing

word count: 1757

Three months. It’s been three months since me and Paige went on our “break”. 

The first month was the hardest. Just a lot of crying, bargaining, rants, and Chipotle. I sat in my puddle of despair, wondering what Paige was doing.

What she was thinking, hoping the thoughts were about me.

My worst thought was thinking that she had moved on to someone new, or someone that has always been there.

The second month was the month that I told myself to stand the fuck up.

This month had its ups and downs. I moved in with my best friend who welcomed me with open arms. She’s been more than supportive since the very beginning. She comforted me, fed me when I didn’t feel like eating, and took the remote from my hands every time I felt like turning on a UConn game (I'm healing slowly but surely).

I even picked up a hobby! I started taking a ballet class to keep my mind off of things! My bleeding feet are a VERY good distraction.

The third month is when I felt like a new and healed me. My skin was clear, my curls were popping, my body was giving. I felt better.

However, no matter what I did or how much better I thought I was…I can’t get her out of my mind.

“Come on! You’ve been stuck in this house all day! It’s getting sad Mookie” my bestie, Quenlin, says while ripping the blanket from my body.

“My dance class got canceled today and new episodes of my show came out. I just thought I could lay here and wallow all day” I moan while pulling my hoodie over my face. I turn my head to see Quenlin shaking her head.

“Girl, you smell like ten cans of ass and your hair looks a mess. You cannot let this girl get to you like this” She turns to open the curtains.

The blinding light burns my eyes as I wince and pull a pillow over my face. She rolls her eyes as she lays next to me on the bed.

“Let’s go bar hopping tonight! You love that shit” she yells as she shakes my aching body! She wasn’t wrong, bar hopping was probably my favorite activity. I lay there and contemplate whether I should get cute and have fun or lay in the imprint I have made in the bed and cry.

“I’ll buy you Chipotle” and with those four words, I hopped in the shower, got dressed, and was ready to head out the door.

9:30 Pm

Me and quen were on our second bar of the night and I felt alive again. I had flashes of images of Paige in my mind throughout the night but I decided I would deal with that issue when I went home. 

“Girl, can you go order us some drinks? I gotta piss real bad” Quenlin said, doing the potty dance at her grown age. 

“Go ahead, and stop doing that shit” I laugh as she waddles off to the bathroom. I make my way up to the bar and order me and my friend vodka cranberries. 

I twiddled my thumbs waiting for the drinks, when I finally heard it.

“Hey beautiful” My body froze when I heard the voice I had longed for so much but also dreaded hearing. I slowly turned my head to see the beautiful blonde that had been occupying my mind for months.

She looked so good, but also drained.

Words tried so hard to leave my mouth but nothing came out.

“You look good. Like, good. Guess the break up was good to you” She lets out an awkward laugh as I am still in shock but gain the ability to speak.

“Eh. It was ok for me. A lot of crying hehe” I mentally slap myself, who the fuck says that. 

“Yeah, same” She looks down at her feet trying to figure out what to say next.

“Listen, can we talk, please? I wanna fix this. I-”

“Unh Unh! What are you doing here” Quenlin appears from thin air as she jumps in front of me to confront Paige. This breaks me out of my trance as I jump to defend Paige. 

“No, Quen! It’s ok! Me and her are just going to talk outside” I put my hands on my best friend's shoulders to calm her down. She turns to look at me and then back at Paige.

“Fine, but if you try some manipulative shit, it’s me and you” she pokes piage with her finger before walking away. Paige looks back at me “I never liked her. I just want you to know that.”

I laughed as I walked to the door, Paige following close behind. When we get a good distance away from the bar we stop and just look at each other.

I can tell she’s trying to find words to say, I couldn’t find any either.

We stood in silence for a few more minutes before one of us finally spoke.

“I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I made you feel like shit for so many months. You should have been my priority and I didn’t do that” Paige let out a shaky breath before looking down at the ground. I waited for her to continue but….she just stopped.

“Paige…that's not the only reason why I wanted to take a break. Yes, you ignoring me was a big part of it but there was so much more” She finally raises her head to look me timidly in the eyes.

I take a shaky breath before continuing. “It was the petty comments, the constant arguing, and the insecure feeling I always felt” I started choking up on my words, and the memories of me and the girl I love screaming at each other came flooding back.

“I'm sorry! I was just so stressed with basketball, the interviews, and the constant attention that I guess I got stressed” She quickly tried to defend herself, flailing her arms in the air.

“I understand how stressful that could be but…I would've been there for you. I could've listened to your rants, helped you during solo practice, and helped you calm down when you were nervous about an interview…but you shut me out and started bullshit arguments for no reason. I love you so much. I just wanted to help you” I felt a tear roll down my face.

I saw Paige’s face change from defensive to vulnerable in the middle of the conversation.

I let out a sigh as Paige drops her head, tears falling down her pretty face. “Paige, I love you so much. You’re probably the best thing that has happened to me in a long time” I take her hands in mine “but when we have an issue, you can’t just shut me out or brush it off. We need to talk. We need to express ourselves or else it’s just gonna get worse.”

Paige raises her head once more, looking into my brown eyes with her bloodshot blue eyes. “I know…I wanna be better for you baby. I will do anything to make it up to you. I just want things to go back to the way they were” She brings my hand to her lips, placing a tender kiss upon them.

I felt my skin turn hot as her lips connected to my skin, it’s kind of funny how we were together for so long and she still managed to make me nervous.

“I know it seems like an empty promise but I swear I will do everything that I can to make it up to you. I’ll communicate better and I will make sure to do everything that I can to remind you that you're the love of my…I can’t fucking lose you again y/n” she wraps her arms around my body, leaving another kiss on the top of my head.

On instinct, I wrap my arms around her to as I close my eyes to breathe in her perfume.

I was still angry with her but somehow I knew deep down that she was serious about wanting to be better for me. 

She pulls back to look into my eyes before she places an unexpected but loving kiss on my lips. I felt like I was floating on air as my lips touched the ones that they have been craving for three months. With this simple act, she knew that I forgave her 

As we pull away she rests her forehead on mine. 

“Can we just start over please, I miss you so much” Paige giggles while also sniffling. 

I let out a snort as I placed my hand on her cheek “Well we got a long way to go until we are back to the same place but, I think we’ll be ok”.

2 days later

���Ok! I think that’s the last of my shit” I let out a sigh of relief placing the last bit of my clothes back into me and Paige’s shared closet. I fell back into our bed, missing the smell of our sheets. 

I let out a grunt as Paige ran into the room and jumped on top of me. “Jesus Paige! I think you broke one of my ribs” I try to push her off of me as I let out a laugh.

Paige keeps her position on top of me as she puts her face into the crook of my neck. “I'm sorry, baby. I'm just happy you're back” she sighs as she kisses my neck.

“Ew, can yall wait to fuck until after I leave,” Quenlin says as she brings me some more of my stuff in from the car. I laugh as Paige finally rolls off me with a dramatic groan.

I walk over to Quenlin take the box of stuff from her hands and place it on the floor. “Thank you for letting me stay with you,” I say as I hug her.

“Of course, anytime! However, if this shit happens another time me and Paige are gonna have to tussle. You hear me” she yells towards Paige.

“I love you too, Quen” Paige blew a kiss to her.

Quen rolls her eyes before giving me a kiss on the cheek and leaving. 

“Why must y’all fight over me”

“Because you’re the most important thing to us, baby” Paige leaves another kiss on my lips before hopping back onto the shared bed that I will never leave again.

Y'all I am so fuckin sorry this came out so late! But here yall go <3

[mendessi]

things i say when you sleep | chapter six

multi chapter bodhi durran x fem!oc

word count: 3.5k

summary: Ania crosses the Parapet into the Riders Quadrant, and finally meets with the marked children of those who got her parents and brother killed. Bodhi Durran is quick to remind her that she's marked too.

tags: slow burn, friends to enemies to lovers, canon typical violence, mentions of death, she falls first he falls harder, majority canon compliant, some canon deviance, eventual smut, angst with a happy ending, additional tags to be added

AO3 masterlist

four | five | six | seven | eight

Things turned strange very quickly after Threshing. 

Between Violet's assassination attempt and Liam being moved into our squad (which I don't mind), everyone is growing testy as signets start manifesting amongst the first years.

"Until you control your anger, I will not channel," Gleigeal tells me. He's not wrong and I can't blame him. Every time I feel like I'm making any sort of progress, something sets me back and I have to start all over again. 

From my observations, there's also something peculiar happening between Violet and Xaden that doesn't have to do with their dragons being mated. I can't pinpoint exactly what, but I trust myself to figure it out soon. 

Training continues with Bodhi, and occasionally Liam when I end up in the gym at the same time as him and Violet. There's hardly any time for the mat anymore which is slightly disappointing. It's nice having him closer and despite Violet's temper tantrum over having him shadow her, he's fitting into our squad quite nicely. 

Things between Bodhi and I remain strictly professional. I meet him in the gym, we beat the ever-loving shit out of each other and don't speak except for when he lectures me on how to be better. Something in me still resents him for what he said to me the day after Threshing. 

You don't exactly make it easy to care about you.

He knows he shouldn't have said it and respects my right to be pissed by not trying to make me let him in anymore. 

Until he and Xaden decide to stop keeping me in the dark, then there will forever be a wall placed between them and my ability to trust them. 

Challenges resume and Ridoc and I are sitting next to each other on the bench when Jack finally challenges Violet. My stomach drops and I look at Liam as he goes pale. 

"Absolutely not," I'm quick to my feet. 

"No fucking way," Ridoc says as he rises to his feet. 

The three of us flank Violet as we accompany her to the mat and my heart is racing. It's no secret that Jack wants her dead, but the fact that this challenge was approved? 

"Tell me I can break the promise," Liam says to Violet and my eyes widen as I look at him.

"You knew?" My jaw hangs open slightly. 

Liam sighs and looks away from me and back to Violet. I'm shocked that he hadn't alerted Xaden considering if she dies on that mat so will he. The idea of Xaden dying makes my heart pound with anxiety. 

Ridoc and I share the same anxious glance as Liam sprints out of the gym with Violet's approval.

"I consider you a friend now, Violet. Do me a favor and don't make me grieve you," I say to her as she steps onto the mat. 

"A friend huh?" She looks back at me with a small smile, "How many months did that take?"

As the match begins, I'm hopeful that Violet will win. She's quick, and he's nothing but angry. He looks like how I feel, and the longer I watch, the more I see myself in Jack Barlowe. The thought makes me grimace, but it's slightly true. The only difference between him and me is that I put strategy behind each blow. He's just thrashing around, hoping he lands his hits. He has no plan, just one end game: kill Violet.

Your anger issues will get you killed.

I see the truth behind that statement at this moment. 

Anger can be a tool strategically used in battle, but it cannot be the key to winning. I'd been using it incorrectly. Letting it take over every inch of my being, so much so that sometimes I'd see red or blackout and not be aware of my actions til after the match. Anger is deadly if you let it consume you. 

Ridoc, Emetterio, and I all run to the mat in an attempt to tear Jack off of Violet. He's using his power and Violet looks as if she's about to pass out, but I'm sure if she passes out she'll die. Ridoc and Emetterio yank their hands back but I'm already on the move. The thought of Violet dying at the hands of Jack has me enraged and I grab his shoulder despite seeing Ridoc and Emetterio pull away in pain. I grab Jack's arm and pull back just as they had.

The pain is instant and I pull away, my arm vibrating with a throbbing power. I fall backward, but I'm back to my knees just as he releases Violet, his hands flying to his throat. Once he falls to the mat, I crawl to Violet, resting my hands on her shoulders. I can still feel the power lightly thrumming through her but I don't let go. 

"Breathe, Sorrengail, breathe," Ridoc says once he reaches us. 

I fall back onto my hands with a sigh of relief as Xaden and Liam burst into the gym. His eyes meet mine and I simply nod as he scoops her up into his arms and carries her out.

Two days later, I'm stretching on the mat in the gym waiting for Bodhi. He's annoyingly late which isn't typical for him.

"My time is valuable," I say when I hear the door open. When I look up I see Xaden.

I take a deep breath and stand up, placing my hands on my hips. 

"Good to see you, little Alistair," He says and my eyes follow his figure from the door to the edge of the mat. "Let's go for a walk." 

"Wingleader," I greet, the formality strange, "Where's Bodhi."

I'd barely seen or encountered Xaden in the past couple of months. I don't doubt that Bodhi updated him on my well-being since our training started. It made sense to me that Bodhi was my Liam. 

"Busy," He lies. "Let's go." 

This isn't a battle I'm winning so I don't bother arguing. I walk at his side as he leads me through the corridors of the main campus and eventually outside into the cold. It stings my cheeks and I have to clench my jaw to keep my teeth from chattering. We cross the courtyard and head toward the dorms. 

He opens the door to his room after unwarding and steps to the side to let me in. I stop in the hallway and give him a puzzled look.

"Why?" I question.

"Just get in the room, Ania." He sighs and again, I don't argue. 

His room is so much bigger than mine and rightfully so, he is a wingleader after all. He nods his head to the table in the corner and doesn't say anything as I sit in one of the chairs. He sits next to me and takes a deep breath.

"Why am I here, Xaden?" I ask, folding my hands in my lap. 

"I've been preoccupied with a lot of things and haven't done my best to be there for you," He says and I can tell it's hard for him to release the words. 

"I don't need you to be there for me," I sigh. "I thought we were past this. We're not kids anymore, I don't need you guys looking out for me." 

"I'm responsible for you," His hands are folded in front of him as he speaks. "Between you and Sorrengail, I'm stretched thin."

Liam and Bodhi had both told me that the scars on Xaden's back were his liability for all one hundred and seven of the Marked ones, including myself. It was hard to hate him after that, even harder when I remember what a huge chunk of my life he'd been a part of.

"I know that, but I'm not gonna betray Navarre or anything," I say. "If you get that impression from me then-"

"I swore to Beckett," He cuts me off, sitting up in his chair. "While he died in my arms, I swore to him that I'd keep you safe. I didn't know what that meant then, but it's different now. I am responsible for you and I've done a shit job at holding up my promise. I'm sorry." 

"That wasn't fair of Beckett to make you promise that while he was dying," I say and my eyes threaten to water. I never knew that Xaden had held him while he died. They were only sixteen, I can't imagine how traumatic that must've been. 

"He didn't make me do anything," Xaden sighs, "I made that promise. I made it because you are the closest thing I have to a sister and I couldn't live with myself if anything happened to you." 

His words sit on my shoulders and I look down at my hands as I try to process them. It takes everything in me to fight the tears.

"You showed up and I was thankful that you were here. That I could look after you now. But you'd developed this hard exterior and made it so hard. You're upset and you blame us for what happened that day, and I can't be mad at you for that," His eyebrows furrow and he leans back in his chair again, "We've thought about it a lot and it's not fair for you to be in the dark anymore." 

You don't exactly make it easy to care about you.

The promises Xaden made, he meant to Beckett. To take care of me and make sure I lived. I'd done nothing but act like a brat since crossing the Parapet when all he and Bodhi were trying to do was care.

"Xaden," My voice comes out as a whisper and I shake my head, "I'm sorry."

"You have no reason to be sorry," He says firmly. "You were just a kid, we all were."

"The wingleader is correct," Gleigeal says, "Your grief overcame everything else. You should not feel sorry for behaving in a way you believed to be right."

"The next meeting, you will be at. Promise." He says and I nod slowly.

"Meeting?" I'm confused. 

"Bodhi will touch more on it," He says. 

Xaden and I sit in his room for at least another hour just... talking. He asks about the family I was fostered with and if they treated me right. He questions me on just about everything from the day we were separated to the day he saw me cross the Parapet. I fill him in on the last six years and we even talk for a moment about a shared memory from Aretia. It's nice. It's like how we used to be, just grown up. I wonder what the younger versions of ourselves would think if they could see us now. 

Xaden walks me back to my room and stops in front of the door. 

"Thank you for talking with me Ania," He says and I nod holding my arm out. 

"I should be the one thanking you," I reply with a small smile as he grips my forearm. I do the same to him and a small smile tugs at his lips. The first one I've seen since coming here. 

As I lie in bed with my thoughts, everything seems so much clearer. Now, I just need to talk to Bodhi. I take a deep breath and look up at the ceiling.

"You learned valuable lessons this week, Ania," Gleigeal says and I nod knowing that he's right.

"Isn't that the truth," I sigh.

"You're ready," He replies. 

Squad Battles approaches quickly and I feel just about useless without a signet. Just about everyone has manifested their signets except for Violet and I. 

I'm impatient as ever, wondering when my signet will manifest and if it doesn't will I die a brutal death like the other first years. There's one week until the first day of Squad Battles and all I can think about how nice it would be to participate with a signet. 

Bodhi has been busy helping prepare his own squad for Squad Battles, so our time has been limited. I admire his dedication from afar, I would never be fit for leadership. 

Ridoc and Liam just left the gym and I'm finishing up my stretching when Bodhi enters the gym. 

"You have time for me now?" I tease as I stand up, "I was about to leave." 

"You're in a good mood," Bodhi says as he approaches me. 

The usual anger I'd feel towards seeing him is nothing but a distant feeling. Ever since my talk with Xaden, it feels like there's a weight off my shoulders. 

I shrug my shoulders in response, "I can go one more round." 

He pauses like he's waiting for me to start an argument with him, "Really?"

"Yeah, why not? We haven't had time to talk recently," I pull my right arm across my chest to stretch my shoulder. Liam had me in a hold with my arm placed between my shoulder blades and it was still sore. 

"You want to talk?" He stretches his own arms out, getting ready for our mini-match. 

I get into position with my hands up as he does the same, "Would you rather argue?" 

"Who are you and what have you done with Ani Alistair?" He laughs as he steps onto the mat. 

We're on round three and I've put him onto his back each time. 

He's bouncing on his feet, taking a deep breath when I get into position again. 

"Do you remember those stories that Xaden's dad used to tell us?" He asks as he swings at me. 

"About the venin?" I almost laugh but duck under another one of his swings. I charge at him, my arms wrapping around his torso as I try to take him down. He shoves me off of him easily and I stumble backward. "They're why I was scared of the dark forever. You really wanna bring that up right now?"

"What do you think the world would look like if they were real?" He moves in on me this time and when I swing, he grabs my arm, spinning me around so my back is to his chest. His forearm crosses my chest as he holds me in place, the other on top of my head. He has me in a headlock and is standing still so I can get my way out of it. 

My hands grip his forearm and I maneuver my feet to try and free myself, "I don't know? Ugly and gray, probably." 

There was a time when I was convinced venin were real, but until now I honestly forgot about those stories. I believed in them because I had been wholly convinced that I'd heard my father say so at one of the secret meetings we'd caught our parents at. As I grew up, I realized that that was just a coping mechanism and I wasn't remembering the memory correctly. So many of my memories felt faded and foggy and I had a hard time dissecting what was real and what wasn't. 

"Why are you asking me this?" I manage to get my feet behind him and elbow him three times in the ribs. I grab his thigh and pull his leg out from under him, he's still got me in a hold so we both go down. He lets go of me and I sit up, one leg on either side of his waist as I pin his arms to the ground above his head.

"What did I tell you about this position?" He asks. 

"It's vulnerable, I know." I blow the hair out of my face as I look down at him. "Why are you asking me about venin?"

My brows furrow as I study his features. He always had a hard time lying to me when we were kids. One time I couldn't find Beckett and all I had to do was pout and bat my eyelashes and he told me that he was out hooking up with a girl. 

He sighs and lets his head hit the mat, "Fuck, Ani." 

"Tell me," I say insistently as I let go of his hands.

We're not kids anymore and I know that batting my eyelashes won't get any answers out of him. 

"I was just asking," He says and I glance down at where his hands rest lightly against the sides of my thighs. My breath hitches but I force myself to focus. 

I have reasons for the way I handle things when it comes to you, Ani.

I replay his words in my head and understanding is on the tip of my brain. His bringing venin up was intentional. 

"Think harder," Gleigeal says and it's the final push I need. 

All of the secret meetings, the dangers beyond the border, Navarre withholding information from the public. The reason Aretia wanted to secede. It's all in front of me now, clear as day. 

Fen Riorson was trying to warn everyone. My dad was trying to be on the right side of history and my mother would've rather let innocent people die. 

"Is it true? Did you know?" I ask down my bond. 

"That is something the Colonel and I disagreed on," He says and I feel nauseous.

My grandmother was a fucking traitor. 

She knew. Everyone in charge here knows. And they razed Aretia and killed our parents just so they couldn't share the truth. 

The attacks that we've been going over in Battle Brief.

"Oh my Gods," I whisper as I climb off Bodhi. I climb to my feet brushing the sweat off my palms on my pants as I take deep breaths. 

"Ani, wait. Let's talk about this," Bodhi reaches for my arm and I pull away from him, running a hand through my hair. 

"Talk about what? What is there to talk about? You're telling me that dark wielders are across the borders and there's nothing we can do about it?" I place my hands on my hips, trying to control my anxiety. I hadn't had an anxiety attack in so long, not since the first year after my parents died, but it was looming right now. 

"Keep your voice down," He says stepping closer to me. He puts his hand over my mouth and looks around to ensure we're alone in the gym. It's reaching curfew so we're the only ones left in here. "Come to my room, we'll talk there where it's safe." 

"No!" I scream and pull away when he reaches for me again. Anxiety crackles in my chest and my breathing picks up more. "They're all dead because-" 

The feeling slowly spreads from my chest, through my shoulders, and down to my fingertips and I realize it's not anxiety it's power. 

"Now is not the time to lose your control, Ania," Gleigeal says sharply but the panic fills me regardless. 

This is officially where my power backlashes and I am in no way ready for it. The mage lights behind Bodhi flicker but I hardly notice as I make my way back to the floor. I sit on my knees and close my eyes as my hands vibrate with power.

"Ani, no," Bodhi is on his knees next to me and he cups my face in his hands, "Breathe. You have to ground." 

I haven't cried since the day my dad died, but when his hands touch my cheeks I'm made aware of the stream of tears. 

Everything is a lie. We were sent off to this college as a punishment for our parents trying to expose the truth. And we were expected to graduate and go out there and fight this war and keep up the lie. Beckett is dead. My parents are dead. Venin are real. 

"Ground, Ani," Bodhi holds my face in front of his and forces me to look at him, "Focus. I'm right here." 

"You have to go," I whisper frantically as my hands wrap around his wrists.

I witnessed Ridoc almost get frozen to death when another first-year's power backlashed, I will not be the reason Bodhi gets hurt or dies.

"I'm right where I need to be," He says calmly, but I can see the worry behind his eyes. 

The power rattles my body as I cry out, my hands clinging to his tunic. 

"I'm right here, Ani," He says, one of his hands brushing the hair from my face. 

I see the strings of Gleigeal's power flickering in and out of my vision and I do my best to grasp them. I try to shape them into something, anything. The flickering of Gleigeal's power is slowly burning brighter and brighter and I fight to contain it. 

"It will be okay," He says down my bond but I can feel his worry, "Don't fight it." 

I follow Bodhi's breathing and ignore the glass shattering behind us. Bodhi pulls me to his chest, using his body to shield mine from what I'm not sure, but I hold onto him tightly, like he's the only thing that can save me from what's about to happen. 

It pounds against my skin and I stop fighting it allowing it to crawl its way out with a primal scream ripping through my chest.

Every mage light in the room shatters all at once. 

previous | next

tag list: @lynnieluvsu @sherlockstrangewolf

[runningfrom2am]

cold nights // epilogue

summary: a few years later...

pairing: coriolanus snow x fem!reader

wc: 3.7k

masterlists / nav / requests

tags/warnings: tribute!reader and mentor!coriolanus, r is very sweet (too kind for this world. literally.), sunshine x grumpy trope kinda, he falls first, violence typical for the source material, depictions of mental illness, also she's is very smart (as she should), district twelve!reader.

a/n:

here it is :) the epilogue :)

(i'm crying, could you tell??) i figured it was time to post this now that we've officially entered the overlapping requiem/michigan cherry era. tbh i was just afraid to let these two go bc i love them so much.

thank you all again SO so much for all the love on this fic. it has truly meant everything to me that so many people came on this actual JOURNEY with me, i never intended this to be so long but here we are.

anyway, stick around for requiem!! and i hope you loved this if you made it this far!!

my asks are also open to talk about this series! (i do have emoji anons open now too!)

send me any and all of your thoughts! here!

series masterlist // playlist // pinterest board

You were all dressed up in one of your finest gowns, attending the gala that preceded the presidential election.

Coriolanus was running, of course, and you were so incredibly proud. He's worked toward this for years, and you had been there every step of the way since the tenth annual Hunger Games, all those years ago. It felt like a distant memory- albeit one that still haunted you regularly.

You were a whole new person. A Capitol citizen most of the year, and you were happy most of the time. You and Coryo had always gone home in the summers, though, to spend your days surrounded by friends and family under the District Twelve sun. You always looked forward to it, but three months never felt like quite enough time. You missed your old life, but that's all it could be now.

While some Capitol elite was talking your ear off about the upcoming games, that's all you can think about. Well, how after the election that your boyfriend would most certainly win, those summers of peace would be a thing of the past. It was hard to think about, which is why you focussed on how you could work around it. Perhaps you would make smaller visits throughout the year- although Coryo was prepping you for the endless tasks that would even be put onto you as the First Lady of Panem. Once he wins the election, he would propose- and it would be followed by the wedding of the century. You didn't know if you dreaded it or if the pressure of it all just scared you beyond what excitement could repair.

"Miss Y/L/N?" Your train of thought is abruptly interrupted and you hum in response, bringing the champagne glass to your lips, acting like you were paying attention the whole time.

"Yes?" You respond as you lower your glass. "My apologies, I just spaced out for a moment there. It's a big day, after all..." You chuckle to recover, tilting your head slightly at them.

"I was just asking if you had any input in the arena for the next Games, if you could give us any hints." The man asks, seemingly impatient with you getting distracted.

"Oh," You reply, smile fading softly. "No, I- I really try to stay out of all of that." You laugh nervously, gripping tighter onto the glass as you take another sip, relieved when you feel someone's hand on your arm.

"Y/N, come sit. Coriolanus's speech is about to start, he got me to save you a seat at my table." Sejanus says, linking his arm with yours.

You politely excuse yourself from the conversation and allow him to pull you away. "Many thanks." You whisper to him, chuckling slightly as you glance back over your shoulder at the older man you were speaking to. "Some people are so tone-deaf, aren't they?"

"Most definitely." He sighs, shaking his head as he guides you toward his table at the front of the banquet hall, close to the stage. "Apparently that will never change."

Sejanus Plinth was your saving grace all these years, that, however, had never changed. You didn't see him as much anymore, with you being locked up in your office in the Snow penthouse focused on writing book after book until you were burnt out. His role as a doctor in and out of the Districts certainly didn't help either, but you knew he was partial to working back home in Twelve so he could spend more time with Lucy Gray. You were glad he was much more fulfilled in his adult life than you were; you always knew he would do well and you were proud. You had to take moments every so often to remind yourself that when you first met him and Coryo, you had been sad that you wouldn't get to see the men they would become but you had wondered. Now, you had your answers.

"Is that not the truth." You scoff under your breath, smiling and giving a quick wave to a few familiar faces as you pass. You had become somewhat of a people-pleasing expert, the same way Coriolanus had.

You sit down at the table at the front of the room just as the lights slightly dim, and the spotlight hits the stage. You gently cross one leg over the other, careful not to wrinkle your dress and clap in just the perfect polite way you had learned how to over the years, smiling as you see Coryo walk up onto the stage.

He waves, and people whistle and clap, and the smile on his face seems a little more genuine than it normally is during these speeches. Of course, though, this is his final address before he no doubt gets voted in as president, and you know that he is excited.

"Hello, everyone. Thank you so much for coming out tonight..." He says, in a subtle cue to get people to quiet down so he could speak, a drink still in his hand that he delicately hovers above the podium next to him. "This has been such an incredible opportunity for both of us running, and I must say, it's been fun." He tips the glass toward the other table at the front, and your eyes follow the movement to the other candidate, your friend and former classmate, Hilarius Heavensbee. They've never gotten along, and you know Hilarius wants nothing to do with this job. Not really. It makes you sad, a little bit, that his family would push him this far when he had confided in you in his freshman year that it wasn't what he wanted.

The man just gives Coryo a polite but nervous smile, taking another sip out of his own champagne glass. From where you were, you could see his hand trembling. You knew he would have to go next, and Coriolanus Snow was always a tough act to follow.

"Now, I am very happy about this turnout, because I have two important announcements to make." He continues, and whispers fill the room. You look over at Sejanus, a slight look of shock on your face. You didn't know he had anything special to announce, and he always kept you in the loop on everything. Sejanus just shrugs, looking back up at Coryo again. It must not actually be a big deal- it was probably just thanking some more people who have donated to his campaign.

"Firstly," He clears his throat, taking a step to the side as the screen behind him lights up. "For just a moment, see me as your head game maker and forget all about me running for president. Or don't, actually, maybe keep that in mind, but at the back of your mind." He chuckles, the little joke making the audience laugh. He was much more personable now than he once was, you smile a little as you remember helping him write his earlier speeches in a way that would make him more likable. "With the help of my fellow candidate and personal good friend, we are trying something new when it comes to The Hunger Games."

When he speaks, your heart drops and you sit up a little straighter- feeling all eyes on you as you just focus on him. For the first time, he looks down at you and gives you a small smile, the slightest nod in an effort to reassure you that it wasn't as scary as it sounded. You swallow and just keep your smile on as best as you can, ignoring all the stares.

"So, we all love The Games. They're exciting, the stakes are high, and I know every year we all pick our favourite tributes to root for and it's hard to watch them fall but, god, do I know better than anyone how good it feels when they win." Your cheeks burn intensely as Coryo sends a smile and a wink your way, and the screen behind him flashes to a picture of the two of you, taken after your shared university graduation just a couple of years ago. You were both smiling, but he was looking at you as he held you tight around your waist, and you looked into the camera and held up a three-finger salute. People are laughing and awe-ing at the photo of the two of you, and you laugh nervously, looking over at Sejanus with slightly panicked eyes.

You would be absolutely fine with this if he had just run it by you before, and you knew that whether you liked it or not, the Games were an integral part of who you were now, and always would be- but you certainly didn't want your name on anything to do with these new changes they're making. But, he wouldn't be talking about you at all if he knew you would hate it. You had to remind yourself of that.

"So, you all know my beautiful Y/N, of course, we're all big fans of hers here," Coryo says, gesturing to where you were sitting and you let out a nervous laugh, shaking your head at him in a way that would appear teasing to everyone else while he waits for everyone to finish clapping for you. "Don't get embarrassed already, darling, I've got a bit more to say about you so just sit tight, okay? Nothing bad, I promise." He says to you, looking into your eyes even as he stands up on the stage, everyone's laughter echoing in the background.

"So, I have known Y/N and her outstanding mind for years now. The Games are what brought us together when we were both just kids, but you all already know that story so I'll spare you the details. The bottom line is, I am so proud of the woman she has become. She's written two books that will soon become three, she graduated in the top three percent of our class with only a District education to build on, and she is the single most well-spoken, well-mannered, beautiful, and caring woman I have ever met. Truly, she has changed my entire outlook on life." He says, talking more so to the audience than to you, knowing that you're so embarrassed by this. And he would be correct. "It has truly been a privilege to know her, and to love her."

"But that was a long journey for us both, and a seemingly endless uphill battle for her recovery, despite her strength. The Games can be scary, let's be totally honest. It's life or death, and winning will change you, but Y/N came out the other side and wanted to make a difference for her family and that inspired me. And she continues to inspire me every day." Coryo says, pausing to take a sip of his champagne again. "So, all of this is to say, I'd like to thank her for all her support through my education, this campaign, and through the life we're building together. She inspired this idea in me and with the help of my fellow game makers as well as the Plinth family..." You look over at Sejanus as he continues, suddenly realizing he must have known about what was happening. He keeps a small smile on his lips as he watches, refusing to make eye contact with you.

"This," Coryo says, turning to look up at the screen while a picture comes up of a small cul-de-sac of beautiful homes. "Is just the beginning of the Victor's Rehabilitation Initiative."

You tilt your head, a shocked and confused smile on your face as you take in the photo and try to decipher what he's talking about.

"So, recently, Y/N has been more open with everyone about the struggles that came with being crowned a victor in our Games. Yes, they get to walk away with their lives, but what if winning meant something more? What if it meant security for them and their families, so they're not returning to their Districts with no sense of what to do next? That, everyone, is what this program is for. To help the strongest of them find a purpose again, and to encourage the bravest of Panem's children to get back on their feet after such an impressive feat as winning the Games."

You have to very consciously force your jaw to stay shut when you realize what he is saying, clapping along with everyone else while your smile relaxes into something more genuine. You knew that he wanted to abolish the Games altogether, and you knew that no matter who won the election, they wouldn't proceed for much longer. This was the first step in that direction, and you were flooded with emotions. Pride, excitement, relief.

"For ten years, until the beginning of the mentorship program, our victors were cast aside. Never to be heard from again after their win, I, for one, became curious as to what happened to them after the Games as soon as I met Y/N, and I have heard that question from many of you as well since we were all given the pleasure of getting to know her." Coryo's smile is one of pride and excitement, sparing a glance at you as he allows the audience to have their responses. So far, all seemingly positive despite the present undertones of him caring about the people in the Districts. He was a smooth talker, he knew exactly how to command a space and get people to believe what he wanted. And he was using it for good. "I mean, how many other victors have something extraordinary, just like her, that won't be utilized or nurtured? We never knew."

"From now on," He continues, the crowd quieting down. "Our victors will be given homes in what we've decided to call Victor's Villages in each of the Twelve Districts. They'll have ensured security for themselves and their families, and a generous sum of prize money to help them with whatever they need. Whether that's medical attention, both physical and emotional, or, if they so choose, when they reach the appropriate age, they could apply at our university to further their education. Though, between you and I, admittance is not guaranteed." He winks at the end and it's accompanied by laughter, which you try and go along with, but you're too close to tears to even process fully what was going on. This was a huge step in the right direction, even if like he said, acceptance was not guaranteed. "What I mean, is that it will be up to them. They can live their lives to the fullest, just like our gem, Y/N."

He looks at you again, and you can really only see his blurry form through your tears until someone is handing you a handkerchief to dry your eyes while people clap and cheer over the idea.

This was something you couldn't have imagined years ago. This was everything you've wanted since the Games- to make a difference, for people to care. And it was happening right before your eyes. Thanks to him. Thanks to you.

"And with that," Coryo says after a few moments, waiting for the crowd to quiet down after taking in your reaction. "We can move on to my second announcement, which is my formal withdrawal from the presidential campaign."

Gasps fill the room and your smile disappears, a hand coming up to your mouth as you look up at him, shocked and confused with the announcement that blindsided even you.

"Are you happy here?" You ask quietly, not wanting to disturb the peace of the evening as you walk from your parent's house back to your own in the Victor's Village.

"I couldn't be happier." Coryo replies through a soft sigh, swinging your hand gently as it's clasped between you.

"Are you sure?" You say again, feeling a little uncertain despite weeks of his endless reassurance that this was, in fact, what he wanted.

To him, this scenario was perfect. He could keep his job as head gamemaker, planning to only return to the Capitol for a few months or so every year for the Games. He knew that wouldn't last much longer, though, not with Hilarius Heavensbee in office. Coryo gives it a few years and a few major "accidental" mistakes on his part for the viewership of the annual event to die out and open the door for the president to call them off, just like he had always wanted to.

And every day Coryo would wake up to see you in your happy place, the only place you'd ever felt truly at home. He was more than happy to give it all up for the greatest sake of seeing you smile.

"Of course." He smiles, never growing tired of telling you the same thing over and over again if it meant he could ease your mind.

The moonlight bounces off his in a way that makes you think it could be glowing if you didn't know any better.

"I told you that I would be. Years ago. You remember?"

"Of course I remember."

He lets out a breathy laugh at your reply, shaking his head. "That was a foolish question. I don't think you've ever forgotten a single word anyone has ever spoken to you."

"Sure I have." You say, tilting your head as you look up at him, trying to catch the same moonlight reflect in the blue of his eyes as you walk down the path. "I just don't forget... the important bits."

"I will try my best to take care of you while you're here."

"My honest, best advice? Figure out a way to escape."

"I can't have killed them all for nothing."

"You are not a beast."

"Please, don't walk away again."

"I survived because I had to learn to love you."

"Like in your books?" His voice interrupts the swirling of speech from years past, and you shrug.

"Not exactly... it feels different. Because I can hear it, still." You explain, voice dropping into something more quiet as the remnants of your fear eats away at the back of your mind, the cold night breeze imprinting your skin.

"God, the way your mind works, love." He says, and as you look up at him to be met with an expression of pride that always changes everything. "You amaze me every day."

You stay quiet, cheeks getting hot as you look back down at the path.

"Are you happy?" Coryo asks after a moment, eyes never daring to leave your profile as you walk next to him, hardly more than a silhouette in the dark. But certainly more than a ghost, now.

"I am." You reply, the smile creeping back onto your lips. "Such hours are beautiful to live, but hard to describe..."

He hums softly in response. That was a yes, but also a no in the most you fashion possible. His heart remains heavy in his chest knowing that there is nothing more he can do for you to help you heal besides be present. "Is there anything more I can do?" He asks anyway, hoping that maybe you would come up with something.

You shake your head, giving him a tight-lipped smile laced with reassurance.

"Well, then..." He sighs, rather dramatically. "I did have an idea, you know, something that might make you happy. Even just for this one beautiful hour."

You let out a laugh, squeezing his hand a bit. "If that was you asking me if we could-"

"I would like to marry you." He says, for the first time ever, not feeling guilty about interrupting you.

You stop in your tracks, and he stops with you instantly as if he were waiting for it, his hold on your hand not faltering for a second.

"I... you-"

"Darling," He starts, stepping in front of you now, blocking out the moon but hardly putting a dent in the presence of the stars over his shoulders, their soft light reflecting off his blonde curls. "I do love nothing in the world so well as you."

Your shock and confusion begins to wear off as he speaks the familiar words, and you laugh softly. "In your own words, Coryo."

He tilts his head at you, clearly not having expected that kind of response. He expected a lot of things. He planned for everything that could go wrong, he prepared for rejection, for tears, panic, even, but he did not expect that. "I, uh..." He chuckles nervously, giving his head a quick shake to get himself back on track.

He had read that play just for you. Just for this- because he knew how much you loved it, and he remembered the joy it brought you. The smile on your face when you told him about it that day at the lake had never left his mind.

"If you ask me in your own words, I shall say yes." You assure him, hands gripping tighter onto his despite your surprisingly calm demeanor.

"I thought you would like that... You know, knowing you..."

He's quick to defend himself, and your eyes almost sparkle as you look up into his own. "We should have learned by now that our story is our own, yes?" You ask. "We are not Beatrice and Benedick, or Laurie and Amy, or even Romeo and Juliet, just like I used to think we were supposed to be when my days were numbered. I thought I wanted one of those stories to be mine at least once before I died, but I was wrong." You say, taking in the embarrassed flush of his cheeks even in the dim lighting. "You are you, and I am me. No matter what you say I will be happy to marry you, so long as you ask me yourself, and not as someone else."

"Alright then." He gives you a curt nod, a smile on his face as he lowers himself in front of you, careless of the dirt that would no doubt cake into the knee of his pants. "You're everything to me, Y/N/N. My world... my heart, my soul. I didn't know what love was until I met you. I've spent the entirety of my adult life learning to love you, and I never intend to stop. Not even for a moment, so please, let me marry you, love."

"A Coryo indeed." You say softly, recalling the first day you had met him- when you only knew him as Coriolanus, and how far you both had come since then. The growing smile on your lips twitches and you nod, holding his hand a little tighter and attempting to pull Coryo back to his feet. "Of course I will. Nothing would make me happier."

He stands again and very quickly his arms are around you, holding you just as tight as they always had.

taglist: @soulessjourney , @that-veela-girl ,  @dreamyysouls , @rockstarbfs , @maysileeewrites , @baybieruth , @kitscutie ,  @fratboyharrysgf0201 , @totallynotkaibiased , @stelleduarte , @secretsicanthideanymore , @bejeweledreverie , @drewsandsebastianswife , @niicole-87 , @queenofshinigamis , @innercreationflower , @nallasstuff , @iovemoonyy , @thatmarvelchick19 , @wearemadeofstardust0 , @regulusblackcore , @puredreamagination , @fantasticchaosthing , @becauseseaotters , @secretsicanthideanymore , @cascadingbliss

if you want to join the taglist for future fics (requiem, michigan cherry, etc.) as well as the bonus content for this fic, follow me over on @runningfrom2am-library and turn on post notifs! all i do over there is reblog my own writing, so it's effectively a taglist :)

thanks again for being here.

xx, raye

[brostateexam]

Every time I try to write a retrospective for 2024 i just feel tired

Bad things

On our way to Mexico for vacation, Shane had a seizure on the plane. That was very stressful, scary, and expensive. It ruined the vacation for both of us, I think, though of course we still had fun together because it's never not fun to hang out with your loved ones.

Shane spent the subsequent four-five months injured or sick: seizure threw his back out, then he got covid, then he got walking pneumonia. This was while he was finishing his degree and still working. This meant that for much of the year I was soloing housework (except dishes and laundry), errands, chores, and repairs in addition to working about 50 hours per week.

In July, visited with my family (which was not bad) but realized that on family vacations i can't live in an Airbnb with family and then also do nothing but hang out or with family or I go insane

Started to feel fatigued in July. This worsened month over month until it was a struggle to get out of bed. Subsequently spent most of September and October on the couch. Then had to have emergency surgery in November to remove my gallbladder cause it was putting a wild amount of stress on my liver.

Stressed about money the entire year. Still not sure if I have money to improve this house vs just trying my best to maintain it. Still not sure how you're supposed to figure that out.

Horrible luck with technology this year: my phone broke in July (literally cracked apart and was unusable and unfixable), then my replacement phone was a lemon so I had to get it a new motherboard in September (which was a multi week ordeal). My work laptop also broke in September and I had to get it replaced at around the same time.

Gained more weight than I'm comfortable with and need to go back to counting calories and getting super compliant with a bariatric diet for a few months at minimum as a reset. Worried I'll be one of those people who ends up back where they were and needs to get a revision.

Good things

I solidified and deepened a lot of friendships this year! That felt really good and I look forward to continuing with that in the years to come

Started doing yoga regularly and the sense of joy and ease that came with it was amazing. I am not quite ready to resume doing yoga (still not good at bending post surgery) but I can't wait to return to weekly yoga classes and supplementing a few times per week as a 20-30 minute break from work

Got promoted at work, from the equivalent of {title} to {Sr title}. So no new responsibilities, just more money. Hopeful for another promotion in the next few years. I'd love to manage a team again.

Fell back in love with ttrpgs, specifically D&D. As of this writing, I'm playing in one game and GMing in 3 and I'm loving it.

The cats have all bonded and they like each other, so I no longer feel like I live with three feral reality tv stars who are plotting to murder one another.

I (co)-wrote about 2/3 of a novel this year (codename Snakes). Fatigue kind of kicked it in the chest but it's actually really good. I'm hoping to finish it and get through much of a new third novel in 2025 (codename Persia).

[glorious-spoon]

like an empty bottle takes the rain [9-1-1 | Buck & Eddie | Buck/Tommy]

~1k words | friendship | pre-relationship | sexuality realization

-

"Hey, can I ask you something?"

He senses, rather than sees, Buck's shift to his left, the way his head comes up, his attention sharpening. He doesn't look over, though. He keeps his eyes on the stretch of backyard in his field of vision. The demolition portion of the job is pretty much finished, the old rotting lumber from Eddie's sagging back deck stacked up to be hauled away, the floor joists still open to the raw earth underneath. They're both kicked back on the half-finished edge, beers in hand, feet dangling. The high midsummer sun beats down, and Eddie's shirt is sticking to him with sweat.

"Yeah, of course, anything," Buck says.

Eddie nods. He rolls his sweating beer bottle between his palms and doesn't speak for a moment. It's not because he doesn't know what he wants to say; it's not because he hasn't thought it through. If anything he's thought it through too much. Enough to know exactly how exposing the question alone is—to anyone, let alone Buck, who knows him better than anyone else in the world. If he says it out loud, there's no taking it back. There's no returning to a world where this is just a question that lives inside his head. It'll be something that other people know about him. That Buck knows about him.

He wonders if this was what it felt like for Buck, months ago, when he stumbled through a quiet confession in his loft and watched Eddie with frightened eyes for the three seconds it took him to jumpstart his brain and pull Buck into a tight hug. There's always going to be a world after he says it. And knowing how gently Buck would hold that knowledge still doesn't quite make the fear go.

"Eddie?" Buck asks, quieter. 

"Yeah," Eddie says. He takes a sip of his beer, and his voice is hoarse, and he knows he's lost any chance he had of trying to make this sound casual. He could just drop it—Buck would let him—but he doesn't want to do that. "I was wondering. You and Tommy—how did you know?"

There's a soft intake of breath. "That I was into guys? Or that I was into him?"

"Either." Eddie shrugs tightly. "Both."

"Um," Buck says. Out of the corner of his eye, Eddie watches him duck his head, rub a sheepish hand over the back of his neck. "Well. I kinda only actually figured it out when he kissed me."

Eddie lets out a startled burst of laughter. "Are you serious?"

"Yeah, yeah, laugh it up," Buck says. The amused chagrin in his voice is enough that Eddie can bring himself to look over at him. He's blushing, scruffy and a little sunburnt in a ratty LAFD t-shirt that says KINARD across the back. Eddie has been trying really hard not to feel some kind of way about that since Buck turned up this morning, and only half succeeding.

"Sorry," Eddie says, and takes another gulp of his beer. "I'm not trying to, like…"

"No, it is, it's…I mean, in retrospect, it feels really obvious. You know? Like, when he came over after the basketball game—"

"After you broke my ankle," Eddie interjects, like he does every time the subject comes up.

"After I sprained your ankle, accidentally, which I still feel really bad about."

"As you should," Eddie says, grinning, feeling a little more like he's back on solid ground when Buck scoffs. "Okay. Go ahead."

"Anyway," Buck says. "We were just, you know, talking in the kitchen and, and—flirting, I guess, or at least I was kinda flirting, but I didn't really think about it like that. It didn't feel that different from—I don't know. I just thought he was nice and cool and I wanted him to pay attention to me, and he was, and it was like…" he trails off, shakes his head, laughing. "And then he kissed me, and it was like—oh, okay, that's what all that was. That was the missing piece, you know?"

"It just clicked," Eddie offers, hoarse.

"Yeah. Exactly. It clicked, and everything suddenly made sense."

"Oh," Eddie says, and then he takes a drink of his beer, gazing out across the backyard. The bird houses that Chris and Buck set up years ago, the paint starting to fade now, the patio chairs stacked against the back fence along with the fresh lumber for the deck. He's not really seeing it, though. He's remembering a night in Buck's kitchen, years ago: a beer in his hand, watching Buck move toward him with that cocky tilt to his smile, an unnameable tension thrumming between them. It wasn't the first time, but it was the first time he remembers it feeling like that: sharp and electric, like he was on the verge of doing something reckless.

What would have changed, he's wondering now, if either of them had thought to cross that line? If he'd grabbed the front of Buck's shirt and pulled him into a kiss, would Buck have kissed him back? 

The question is moot in any case. At the time, Eddie didn't know that was even an option, for either of them. And Buck's with Tommy. He keeps saying it's not that serious, but it's been two months, and he's still walking around with that expression of gobsmacked joy half the time. They've been sleeping together for a while now, which Eddie knows because Buck is incapable of discretion, especially when he's happy.

It was good, he told Eddie, afterward. It was like—it was new, and I felt like such an idiot about everything, because it's been so long since I had no idea what I was doing, but it was so good, and Eddie, who has heard way more about Buck's sex life over the years than any sensible friend would tolerate, had never heard him sound like that about it: thrilled and breathless, almost shy.

Eddie's not going to fuck with that, especially when he barely even knows what he's feeling here. Jealous, sure, a little bit. But he doesn't know how much of that is wanting Buck, and how much of it is wanting that. The breathless thrill of self-discovery he could hear in Buck's voice, every time.

"Can I ask you something?" Buck says. It's quiet, and when Eddie turns toward him there's something careful in his face.

"Fair's fair."

"You're not just asking out of curiosity, are you?"

Eddie breathes out shakily, presses his lips together, and finally shakes his head. "No. Not just curiosity."

"Okay." Buck lets out a breath and nods, rubbing a hand against his jaw. "Listen, Eddie…"

"I'm not ready to talk about it," Eddie says hastily. "Not yet."

"Okay," Buck says again, gentler. He leans in just enough to bump his shoulder against Eddie's. "If you ever do want to talk about it, I'm here."

Eddie leans back against him, the solid warmth of his body a familiar comfort. There's a tightness in his throat, but it's not a bad thing, not entirely. "Yeah. I know you are."

[genshingorlsrevengeance]

Major Blog Update: Inbox Cleared, Life Updates, a big thank you and More!

First of all the big one:

The deed is done...The Inbox is dead.

Long live the inbox.

To get a fresh start, I've deleted the current inbox of all my asks.

The inbox memes, the nightmares...they're finally over...

ANYWAYS, feel free to send in any request you may have as per usual, just figured I clear that damn thing finally out considering I've had asks that are three years old in there.

Right now I'm really getting into Honkai: Star Rail since Natlan kinda killed my enjoyment of Genshin, but those gals I will still love and write for (I mean, I'm sure as heck not changing the blog url) so don't feel discouraged if you came to this blog because of my Genshin content. And of course my other fandoms are still good to rock and roll!

One last thing before the cut:

I want to thank EVERY ONE of you for following this blog and sticking around with my goofy ah for so long.

I genuinely get excited to read any message or request you put under my posts or inbox, whether it be feedback or joking around! And I know we have the memes going on about me being drowned, please know I do genuinely take the time to look at every single one that comes in everyday, even if I didn't say anything or respond. And it means the world to me that ya'll like my writing enough to continue asking of me.

You all are the reason I even put the effort I do in this blog for so many years, from my newer followers to those who have followed me since my first blog. I could not ask for a better group than ya'll.

From the bottom of my heart, thanks, and let's have a great year together!

ANYWHO: For those who care enough, this is what's been going on with me for the last few months.

Work:

As for why I've been absent for a while: simply put because I work a retail job. Thankfully nothing too bad, it's just normal scheduling and it IS work I very much enjoy and get paid relatively well. My love for writing is still very strong as is my simping, so no worries, I don't plan on going anywhere.

I DO greatly apologize for making everyone wait for literally ANYTHING, doubly so if you had an ask I didn't get to yet. I wanted to honestly save everything into my drafts, but alas I could only choose some select ones.

You're more than welcome to send it back in, and since things have calmed down I SHOULD be getting to them a lot faster.

Genshin:

In regards to what I said earlier about Genshin: Natlan kind of killed any enjoyment I had playing, characters were REALLY unappealing to me, it made my friends stop playing so therefore I stopped as well as that was the major reason I still had it installed. I don't really plan on adding anyone from Natlan or anyone else from that game in the future, so apologies if you were looking forward to that from me specifically.

Star Rail has been filling the hole in my heart and honestly? I have a lot more writing freedom writing the gals from there, but again, don't feel afraid to send me any genshin request! I still simp for my Mondstadt women after all.

Other things I've been doing/Ideas for the blog:

I've also been playing games (and getting distracted) with my irl friends and trying to catch up on my hobbies to prevent myself from burning out, Minecraft has been a big thing lately for me again: specifically Pixelmon LMAO.

For 2025 though, I plan to at least post an imagine once a week starting next week since things are still settling down and I have to get my work schedule.

I might also start posting (Eventually) my personal writing projects here to get feedback and possibly go to AO3 to post my crossover series since Tumblr isn't really the place to be doing so (Chief among them my FE3H AU: House Isekai), or if demand is high enough I'll post it here.

Oh, and with this major update I have once again updated my banner, not that it's really important, just that I put a good amount of effort in it, more than you'd think for how simple it is. I also want to see if anyone even gets my reference LMAO

Once this post goes live, I plan to add a few new characters, starting with the Commander from Girls' Frontline but we'll see how it goes.

I think that's all I got for right now, so see ya soon guys!

- Chris

[oh-no-its-bird]

Hiname makes a poor decision or three? Was the first poor decision trusting the twins with anything ever?

From this ask game

Oh boy ok this is a messy one actually, and a bit on the angstier side

So like, basically: this one is a vague plan for a cut chapter of wolves of the woods where an 18/19 year old Hiname spirals, tries to convince Haruka to sleep with her, then gets momed instead as Haruka pretty much goes "ahahaha so we aren't doing that actually <3"

With that said, copy pasted from my notes app:

Summary// Her wolves were dead, their blood on her hands. Ichigo was years gone, for all her mismatched eyes still haunted her. Her plans to abolish the caged bird seal have hit a wall she can't seem to break. Rapidly spiraling, Hyuuga Hiname propositions one Hatake Haruka. Haruka is less than amused.

+ general notes:

(Haruka guides Hiname to a room and sits her down on the bed. Hiname is practically shaking. But Haruka just tucks her in and leaves, coming back in a little bit with soup. Hiname is ?????? But Haruka goes "clearly you've lost your mind, silly :)" Haruka asks her why she doesn't just sleep w that servant of hers thats always following her around but Hiname says it's like. Wrong. She wouldn't know how to say no, she's too loyal. Hiname can't put her in that position. Haruka just pauses and pats Hiname's head and goes, "You're a good girl, Hiname." This does not help Hiname feel any less mortified about her current situation.

And some actual writing:

Haruka stopped. Looked at Hiname, really looked at her. The notch that had been taken out of her lip the month prior had only just finished healing. Her chipped tooth flashing from behind the sliced skin as her lips flattened into a frown. "You're... propositioning me." Haruka said, for once devoid of amusement. "I am." Haruka cocked her head. "I'm not unaware of the effect I have on kids your age." Hiname's face practically lit up red. "I'm not a kid, I'm—" "Yes, yes, oh wow you're so old, a whole eighteen! How wonderful for you. I am, however, more than three times your age." "Well—" Hiname floundered for a moment. "How old do I have to be?" "Normally?" Haruka tapped her lips, humming. "I mean, I don't usually ask, but if they tell me the number or I can guess it we'll enough, at least 25, preferably. I might give lower 20's a shot, if it's a one time thing and they seem to know what they want. For you though?" She propped her head up on her palm, humming theatrically as Hiname's fidgeting increased, growing more and more impatient with every second Haruka dragged on. Finally, Haruak smiled sunnily, and tapped Hiname's nose. "Mmmm... 30." "30—!?" Hiname gaped, and Haruka's grin only grew. "Yes, come back to me when you're 30, and maybe I'll give you a chance." "But— But— I'll probably be dead by then! You'll probably be dead by then!" 30 was an ambitious age for any shinobi, never mind whatever number Haruka would be on by the time Hiname got so far. "Well not with that attitude!" Haruka mocked. "What?"

So. First off. Midway through writing this post I got distracted and decided to draw older Hiname. So. Take this:

Hiname my beloved ,, she deserves to pull some dumb bitch moves as she struggles to keep herself afloat, trying her best to find a road that will allow her to abolish the caged bird seal at only 18/19. (Not that it'll bring her anything but an untimely death of her own, rip)

I think she gets to become especially close with Haruka after the twins deaths, not just bc of naturally going for her for the comfort of a trusted older woman figure in her life but also like. Bc part of her "let's get rid of this fucking seal" plan involves approaching other clan heads for political backing, which Haruka readily gives her without any strings attached.

She's one of the few allies Hiname has left in the world that are behind her 100%, just because they support her and her cause

Haruka will not, however, be giving her the time of day in any sort of romantic or sexual way. Sorry Hiname! She's known u since you were a kid, that's fucking weird for her.

She will instead take this opportunity to pick you up, declare you daughter shaped, and put you in her pocket (and continue to prove that anyone she decides to consider daughter shaped is doomed to die an early death. Oops! Should have learned with Shiruka, idk)

Tbh I think there's just a lot of good space and potential for an interesting story to tell in like. The messes we can make as lonely human people, especially in our most stressed moments.

Hiname just wants some company from someone she can truly trust, and maybe deep down she chose to approach Haruka bc she knew that Haruka would treat her right— which in this case, meant telling her no (like a responsible adult) and trying to help her explore her options and talk through her feelings

In media I'll often see similar stories of some young adult throwing themselves at a much older person, and I do think it can be interesting and fun to see from a story telling standpoint.

But also like— age and the history of the people at play should play into a dynamic like that, and it always annoys me a little when it's not brought up, or just brushed over, or when it is played into its not played into enough— like, cmon guys if you're gonna go down that route at least make it interesting!!! You have all the ingredients for some prime soap opera drama, why aren't you using them to their fullest potential???

So anyways. I think it'd be fun to try to tell one of those stories— but then it turns out that the adult having a young woman throw herself at them is actually (gasp, shock, I know) a normal fucking person who doesn't want to fuck a girl she's arguably been close with since she was 15.

Maybe it's catharsis for every time I end up screaming at my computer screen watching Kennie JD summarize a shitty tubi movie where a guy readily fucks a girl he's known since she was a minor while he was in his late 20s. Maybe this is my own fix it version of that story where the guy isn't a creep.

Who knows.

So like, circling back to ur original ask. Actually, you were actually right actually bc Hiname's first mistake really was trusting the twins (to survive) <3

Anyways. In summary:

(I've been waiting to post that one for a while FJFBSOBFKSNDKS)

[system-of-a-feather]

Full Integration, Final Fusion, Functional Multiplicitly, and General "Spirituality"

(Disclaimer: this is a very long post)

Heyyo, this is a bit of a hodgepodge of connected topics that I was thinking on this morning. For those that don't know, after like three months of being a really solid fused whole, we really decided that we needed to redivide back into our core parts to recenter, rebalance, and reorganize ourselves since our fused whole was loosing sight / vision of the "plot". We don't consider this "splitting" because we are still in - what we like to call "full integration" - and we don't really engage in much dissociation when we do this as the means of how we do this largely stems from the way we perceive, engage with, and view the concept of "self" and "identity." Our system highly values the mastery and art of a very fluid and ever changing sense of identity and self. This morning - thank you Chunn brain for batting our collective brain from the usual urge to get out of bed and get started with our day to give us time to really sit with our inner selves - we spent about an hour and a half and a small half hour nap just laying there thinking among ourselves and I wanted to share a few.

I think at the moment I am still mostly a fused whole and I had considered trying to go to Ray or Lin for them to write this, but it didn't feel right to go to Ray brain and Lin brain directly told me "Dude, this thought line started with Riku-dominant fused brain, trying to have someone else write it would be a disservice to the reflection. Let Riku or Riku-dominant fused brain do it, it's their thought." and you know, fair point. I think I'll use this post as a temporary "bye few thoughts" and love letter to our parts as a fused whole before leaving it to the individual specialists to do their things.

So introduction to this post aside, hello and temporary soon to be farewell before I choose to temporarily redivide into my main parts. Today is May 15, 2024 and I'm gonna document this a bit for when I come back whenever that is and kind of see if my fused-whole perspective and nature changes - mostly for myself. Online I go by Feathers, irl I just go by our chosen name.

I'm a (mostly, technically non-denominational independent, but most of my views and perspectives come from and align closely with) Zen Buddhist. I'm nonbinary vaguely transmasc (not really though?) intersex individual with the pronouns of they/them. I am extremely pro-endo and if I honestly felt like sticking around longer, I was thinking about writing a much more nuanced essay on tulpa-terminology discourse with my current reflections as a fused whole and as a pretty avid Buddhist but, unforunately, unless one of my parts still shares the same insight AND interest, that essay will have to wait for me to potentially be back (hey, Riku or Chunn might still want to who knows). I dunno what else to say, I love bird, Bleach, walking, driving, listening to music, video games, writing, art? I dunno man, I'm just me.

Documentation aside anyways, I gotta figure out where I want to start. I think I will actually piss my high-school English teachers off and start with the LAST thing in the title card. I might loose a lot of close minded white anti-endos here, but hey, if you are that close minded, then its your loss cause I'm just talking about late-stage recovery as a person with diagnosed DID that is considered polyfragmented. It's a fun conversation to have with other people with DID aiming for recovery so, if you're hell bent on hating people talking about plurality form a non-DID lens enough to disregard cool information, that's your loss. (Thank you XIV brain, crediting that to you for part of our goal today)

Buddhism, Spirituality, Plurality and Our Perspective of Full Integration

According to Buddhism, and one of the largest concepts and principles of Buddhism that we believe the most in and actively work to practice and cultivate the mindset of - is that the concept of "I" and the concept of a singular, distinct, and separate self from the world and others simply does not exist - only the experience and illusion of experience exists. I was talking about it with @quoigenicfromhell in DMs since they were interested in talking shop about Buddhism.

To save myself a whole effort of rewriting a discussion on how one can hold together the clear sensation of existing and being an individual with the idea and Buddhist understanding that the "self" does not exist, I'm going to copy a little bit of what I wrote in response to them. If it doesn't make sense cause its in a bit of Buddhist jargon, then oh well, I'm lazy, it's written for an audience that has done some reading and looking into Buddhist thought so RIP yall srry not srry (Thank you Chunn brain lol)

Honestly the development and understanding of holding those two things together (the non-self and non-existence with the clear experience of self and existence) is largely a lot of exploration on the understanding and respect for the experience without applying too much value or regard to said experience. Its kind of a hard thing to understand just based off of words alone and like all things Buddhism, its one of those sorts of things you really gotta sit on and explore in your own mental space, but like

The experience of self and personhood and existence is a denied concept in Buddhist thought, but its not a bad or incorrect thing, the experience of self and existence is kind of considered an inherent expression of life and the world and while its important to be cognicent that it is an illusion that can cause suffering and muddy an individuals ability to see Things As They Are, the experience and illusion of self is additionally an entirely natural thing to experience and is an important part of being able to, well, be

I kinda of personally perceive it kind of similarly to say a part in a system. Innately the part is not (at least in my experiences of systemhood) a literal entire separate being and thats an important thing to acknowledge for a number of reasons (life organization and direction, system accountability, etc) but its would also be incredibly foolish to completely ignore that the part operates, experiences themselves, and lives in the world (both inner and outer) as if they were an individual of their own

In the same sense that a part in a system can be seen both as an individual and a part of a whole / collective depending on what perspective and demands the moment needs. An individual can be seen both as the individual expression of a self informed by the arguably incorrect illusion of isolation OR as a part of the whole worlds expression depending on what serves the moment the best. I largely kind of see myself as part of a system that is the world much like I see my parts as part of a system that is "me". While the self may be an illusion, its not an experience that can be denied and it is an innate expression that in its own right can prove to be a great teacher So you deny the concept of a self but respect and revere the experience and innate natural expression of self

With that context in mind, while we do not believe in the concept of self and find that trying to seek out a concrete idea of a singular person and singular self in society is a source of extreme suffering, stress, and displeasure, we DEEPLY revere and honor the expression of self. As we see it, in a complete ideal and impossible the world would be in perfect harmony if we let the world express itself as it naturally does. We find that the experiences of self - in whatever form they take - are inherent and natural expressions of the world as a whole and to try to shape oneself to fit a specific image - may that be societally imposed or internally / personally imposed or a sense of envy or any sort of clinging or desire to a specific version / image of self - is a disrespect to the innate beauty found in the natural expression and a means of adding disharmony into the world.

As a result, our system and whole aims deeply, above almost all else to exist simply as we naturally would in any moment time to time. If we find that something we are doing with our sense of self is drawn and influenced too much on a "I should" or "I want" or "I wish" or "I hope" then we tend to pause, self reflect, and ask if we are actually existing in our natural state, or are we trying to fight against our natural state of self to fit into a self-imposed idea of what we "should be".

As a result of that, our system deeply values our flexibility, fluidity, and ability to change any aspect of ourselves, any opinion we hold, any identity label we consider, and our overall presentation in all ways and forms to a very high level. The desire to be consistent and predictable serves us little in simply practicing on "being" and finding the true and simply-run life that we want. That then results in why our system so casually flips around in system size, fusions, redivisions, how we refer to ourselves, etc. We find very little value in committing to labels and concepts and do whatever is natural for us.

Additionally, another large aspect of Buddhism our system deeply reveres and appreciates is the acknowledgement that there are "Buddhas" - or in less Jargon terms, potential for everything both internal and external to be teachers and guides into finding a sense of peace and simplicity in the world - and that it is deeply important to cultivating peace, happiness, and insight to actively always be seeking out the "Buddha" in everything and everyone. It's important to reflect, engage with, and talk with those "Buddhas" as they are the best and number one way to gain the insight that brings happiness and peace into life and removes excessive suffering and stress.

As many Buddhists agree (at least of the Mahayanan branches), everyone is inherently a Buddha because the world and everything is a Buddha. The only issue people have is that they can not connect, hear, and see clearly enough to be in that state due to a large number of human conditions - one large one being the aforementioned illusion of self.

Having lived my life as someone with DID and having gone through a lot of trauma therapy, self reflection, communication and coordination with my parts, and all that to the point we have reached functional multiplicity over a year plus ago and been able to hold a fully fused state for over three months, I feel like its a given to say that of ALL things in the world, the "Buddha nature" of my parts have been the best and most insightful teachers I've ever had. We revere each other's strengths and specialties greatly as each of us have taught the other great strengths, great understandings, great insights, and great appreciations that have collectively brought us so much peace and happiness. It's not to say any part is "enlightened" because each part is also deeply flawed and struggling in their own realms, but it is largely by working and talking and supporting one another and ACTIVELY looking to one another for insight and lessons about the world and our existence that we are able to reach a uniquely peaceful space.

For us, its an incredibly important practice - both for self care and in the art / spirituality of Buddhism - to regularly talk and engage with these specialized and uniquely-wise (and uniquely stupid - thank you XIV) parts of ourselves to gain deeper insight and overall understanding of ourselves and our place in the world.

In the same sense, it is why - despite being completely capable of operating as a fully fused whole - we regularly choose to INTENTIONALLY redivide into our parts. And no, its not us "splitting again" or even really throwing up any real level of dissociation / dissociative barriers. If anything, we usually do this through meditation and mindfulness.

It's a Buddhist practice, its not a mental disorder and its not stemming from the same mechanism's DID stems from. It might operate *based* on the foundation our history with DID stems from, but at this point in our healing, the way our system operates at functional multiplicity that is intentionally chosen to be that way AFTER reaching "final fusion" has a number of differences from how it operated before we reached general full integration.

Again, for those more familiar with the tulpa-terminology discussion, you might be able to see where I would have a long post delving into a highly nuanced and more middle-ground perspective of that syscourse from the paragraph above this one, but I'm gonna leave that cause I already know this post is long and it would detract from the purpose.

At this point, my system is mostly an "intentionally created one" to Western label standards. We personally do not see any significance or binary in plural VS singular people beyond it being a label some people identify with and not. Plural VS Singular is a false binary perpetuated in white, western, and european society and while I respect that perspective and view in a space that is primarily filled with white, western, and/or european individuals, I am going to firmly state that and expect you to give me that same respect. (and if you refuse to give me that same respect, then you are close minded and being very white / western lmao <- thank you XIV, again)

And so the other related but slightly different topic away from the more philosophical, esoteric, mysticism sounding topic of Buddhism...

Full Integration, Final Fusion, and Functional Multiplicitly

At this point, what we used to call "Wishiwashi Recovery" we kind of have taken to just calling "full integration" generally as a means of really breaking apart the suggested categorical and boxed binary of "final fusion" and "functional multiplicity" as our own experience and discussion with other systems at and near full integration have made us realize that the difference between functional multiplicity and final fusion is FAR more a spectrum than it is two seperate categories. Some systems stick to one end, some to the others, but the largest difference is in external and internal expression of the parts and less any fundamental or biological / clinical difference; at least not in terms of integration. (Note: Integration =/= Fusion; Integration is the general connectivity and accessibility of parts with less / limited / no dissociation)

It's a false binary to say Final Fusion or Functional Multiplicity and its why a lot of the "ones bad and ones good" syscourse is dumb. They're two heads of the same Doduo and they should be kissing. (JOKING, thank you Riku-Aya brain)

With that said, our system, as we've made clear, regularly and freely practices sliding and flying all over that spectrum as just how we like to engage with ourselves. We change between the two as we see fit and having spent probably like 9~ months in functional multiplicity and 3~ months in final fusion I wanted to share some pros and cons of both sides.

I would also like to put a disclaimer that this isn't meant to be "positives and why this side sucks" as much as it is the differences in life style according to our opinion and our experience. Both final fusion and functional multiplicity are absolutely WONDERFUL things overall and we love both states. If we got "stuck" in either, we would still be immensely happy. The purpose of this part is just to share certain differences in how we experience the two different ends. The Cons in these case are only "cons" relative to the "alternative" and not "to not ever reaching either"

Functional Multiplicity Pros:

A lot more clear and direct communication between parts internally that allows for a SHIT ton of internal banter, productive conversation about complex topic and perspectives from unique and diverse perspectives; the communication is a lot more intentional and a lot more in focus so its easier to properly sit and attend to the complex differences and sometimes conflicting directions

It's honestly just a lot of fun, not gonna lie. A lot more dramatic and extravagant expression + brain friends in a more overt sense

Easier to let certain parts of the brain take "breaks" - it's not the same as it is with not-fully-integrated DID but compared to Full Fusion, certain parts of the brain can "tune out" easier than not

More palatable to DID / OSDD spaces online

Easier to focus and use a wide variety of skills, interests, hobbies, and thinking patterns by simply just having a specialist part take their look at it

Generally easier to target specific boxes to look into as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Final Fusion Pros:

Quick and a lot more inherent understanding of all parts on a general gut level without necessarily needing to fully think about everything and listen to every opinion and perspective; there is a lot more of an inherent understanding, trust, and awareness of the collective whole which makes decision making and seeing whats good for the system as a whole a lot easier

It's honestly way more calming, relaxing, and solid feeling. There is a unique sense of confidence, understanding, and trust within yourself and you have a HUGE arsenal of skills and interests that come from the combined parts that you've lived as

You are a lot more present and aware of your life and you actually get to live YOUR life and have all parts of yourself be engaged in life; no part feels really left behind or is caught off guard from having their brain partially turned off. The awareness is really present and engagement is so much more complete.

More palatable in real life and non-DID/OSDD spaces

Easier to simultaneously use skills from multiple parts at once; very much a jack of all trades all at once situation

Generally easier to integrate multiple complex and otherwise seemingly detatched boxes of memory and the past as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Functional Multiplicity Cons:

Takes more intention, focus, and often time to get the same level of full understanding of the whole system when making decisions. It can be slow and it requires a lot more internal engagement which can make it harder to be fully present in life

Sometimes you can get what I call "lite" amnesia where a part was not paying attention and doesn't fully process what was going on / what is going on and so sometimes you get poor attention-driven "amnesia". It's small and easily recovered by simply going "hold up wait" and thinking back or asking another part

Harder to use skills from different parts at the same time; albeit definitely still possible and only "harder" relative to final fusion

Generally harder / requires intentional discussion between parts to integrate multiple complex boxes as you process all the newly accessible memories and information from being highly / fully integrated

Final Fusion Cons:

Less direct and overt bantering and discussion between parts (still present by the way, just less frequent and less overt). It can be a little less fun (still is fun cause they are sill there) and it can be a bit harder to fully see the extent of a more extreme perspective

It can be tiring and overwhelming to be aware and present so much for so long if you were accustomed to the breaks DID / OSDD tends to give parts

Easier to forget to use a lot of the skills and hobbies that may have been more niche to less-dominant and less-prominent parts; you don't "loose" the skills, you just aren't accustomed to using them as much so you can just kinda forget to use them

Harder to focus on a targetted recovered memory / information that you want to process and can sometimes be a bit overwhelming trying to connect a number of things at once

And this is all just to say that both are absolutely astonishing and great places to mentally be. The main point is that - for us - sometimes one state works better for us in the moment and another state works better for us later and that's completely cool cause - as aforementioned - the difference between plural vs singular is not a binary one for us anyways.

Anyways, I don't know how to wrap this up so I'mma just post it

Ideally today we will focus on cultivating our independent parts and return to Functional Multiplicity end of the spectrum so I guess tata for now

-Feathers

EDIT and PS: Anyone is allowed to add their thoughts to this so long it is in good faith.

[dsireland86]

Oooh can i have a Craig Reynolds x fem reader request inspired by the song Take my Breath away by Berlin? I just watched Top Gun again and it's been stuck in my head for days!

I absolutely love Top Gun!! And the song! I have two other Craig requests, so I'm tying all three of them into one. Since the song is about love with so much different emotion, I figured it would work. Hope you enjoy 😉 😊

Take My Breath Away

Tag list:

@philomenie @supersquirrel1996 @foliosgirl @angelmarie89 @fadingintothegrey @thisbicc @lma1986 @dominuslunae @shayzillaaaa @mrsnoahsebastian @flowery-mess @iloveyoutodeathbutimdrowning @stardustsirenmelody @romanreigns-supreme @anything-more-than-human @into-the-grey @rumoured-whispers @myownthoughts12 @sister-sebastian @nyxthedestroyerofworlds-deactiv @missduffsblog @bngurngheart  @somebodyllelse @xxkittenkissesxx @fadingangelwisp @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard

"Watching every motion in my foolish lover's game/ On this endless ocean, finally lovers know no shame/ Turning and returning to some secret place inside/ Watching in slow motion as you turn around and say...

Take my breath away"

She came out of nowhere, coming at him like a tidal wave. She was a summer storm, determined to wreck his life in the most beautiful way possible. Craig knew it wasn’t permanent; nothing that good could ever be. But he didn't care. It was a chance he was willing to take. He was caught up in a whirlwind of emotions that was bound to flood the entire world around him. But it was worth it. All of it. Even if it broke him.

"Bloody hell, mother, " "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry! Here, let me help you!" "You can't fix spilled coffee on a shirt and a pair of pants now, can you? This shit is pretty much fucked now."

Craig was pissed, but the moment he raised his eyes and looked at the reason for his demise, all of the anger and frustration faded. She was a pretty little thing. Short and small, with reddish brown hair and the cutest button nose. The moment his eyes met her bright blue ones, he knew he was done for. His breath was absolutely taken away.

"Are you alright?" American. Figured. "Yeah, I mean no, but I will be. I can fix this," Craig stammered, pointing to his clothes. "I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to run into you, honestly. I was trying to find my way to the train before it left and was more worried about missing it than looking where I was going."

Craig could tell she was nervous and was possibly on the verge of tears. Now, he felt like the biggest asshole ever. "Hey, it's alright, love," he said gently, caressing the side of her shoulder. The way she smiled up at him softened the hardened parts of his heart, making him realize there was no possible way she could walk out of his life now.

Six Months Later

The sounds of their lovemaking could be heard across the hall. Almost every morning for the last four and half months, the sounds had been the same; y/n's cries and Craig's curses.

The pounding on the apartment door made them both snicker, leaving Craig no other choice but to leave the body beneath him and answer it.

"What?" "Don't “what” me Craig." "I am "whating" you, Jackie. You're in my business again." Craig's thick arm was pressed against the door, tattoos on full display for Jackie to see. He was also still naked.

"Well, maybe if you didn't make your business known to the entire building." "Fuck off, Jackie," Craig mumbled, about to close the door, but she threw her arm out in time to catch it. "You two are serious?"

The disappointed look on Jackie's face pierced Craig's heart a little. But the warm feeling of y/n's hand sliding around his waist brushed the feeling away. He looked over his shoulder only to find her wrapped up in the white bed sheet, peering around his shoulder. Daggers were shooting out of y/n's eyes "Very," he stated factually. Jackie nodded, glaring back at y/n before walking off.

Craig closed the door and then turned around to face y/n. "Do you always have to stare at Jackie like you're about to bloody fucking murder her?" Y/n remained quiet. Craig huffed, walking past her. "I don't like the way she looks at you, like she's about to consume you or something.' Craig slipped his boxers on, rolling his eyes.

"Please, you don't have to always feel insecure around her. She's just an ex-girlfriend." He finished getting dressed before heading into the bathroom. Y/n followed. "An ex that eye fucks you every time she sees you." Craig glared at her. "To be fair, she was glaring at me, too. I know she doesn't like me." Craig's face softened a little. Y/n was right; Jackie hated her for no other reason than she was with him.

Staring at y/n still wearing the signs of a woman properly fucked, he melted for the way she took his breath away, made his heart skip beats, and his mind forget even his own name. She consumed him, and if he was being honest, her jealousy was kind of hot.

"Why are we fighting?" Y/N shrugged. "You started it," she muttered, peering up at him. Craig fought the urge to smile. "Oh I did, did I?"

He walked up to her, towering a good foot over her small frame, looking down at her menacingly. Grabbing the front of the sheet she was clutching in her fist, he gently pulled it off of her, revealing her nakedness to his eyes only. Lifting her up, y/n wrapped her arms and legs tightly around Craig, allowing him to carry her back over to the bed.

"Well, love, I'm going to start something else and won't stop until I'm finished. Do you think you can handle that?" He crawled over top her, forcing y/n back into the softness of the mattress beneath her as he kissed her, devouring her lips.

He was inside her before he even got his pants all the way off. With their lips attached fully, Craig slammed the apartment door closed, locking it behind him just as y/n undid her jeans, pushing them down and off as quickly as she could. It was only moments before they were both completely naked, shirts scattered on the floor.

Craig had his hands fully in her hair, yanking and tangling themselves around the reddish brown locks. He laid her out on the bed, eyes drinking in the color of her skin, the perkiness of her nipples, the pinkness of her pussy, as hers drank in the ink covering his skin and the way his dick moved along her thigh as he moved around on her.

With each arm locked around her head, Craig stared down at y/n, so angry at her he never wanted to speak to her again, yet so in love with her that just the thought of her ever leaving him, paralyzed him completely. Once again, she took his breath away, not just from love but from pain, too.

"I'm fucking pissed at you." "I know you are." "What the fuck were you thinking?" "I wasn't." "Obviously." "Why are you so mean to me?" "Why are you such a bitch to me?" "Maybe if you weren't so mean, I wouldn't be such a bitch." Y/n bit her lip turning her face away from him, but Craig grabbed it, locking it between his fingers and thumb. "Don't you dare look away from me." His smoldering stare made her whimper.

Sitting up on his knees, he pulled her up, holding her by the wrists while pulling her hair and yanking her head back. "You want to go and be in another man's bed then go fucking do it. But just know that tonight, I'm going engrave my cock into the walls of your sweet little cunt so even when he's fucking you all you’re going to remember is the way my cock feels inside of you."

Craig slammed his lips on hers then turned her around, and forced her lovingly on her stomach, hiking her ass up by her hips. "Tell me what you what, baby," he demanded, his tone dropping. His words were laced with painful frustration, a challenge y/n might not have been ready for, yet took it anyway.

"You, Craig," she replied through a sniffle. He knew she was crying, but she deserved it. She hurt him, embarrassed him tonight, letting herself get intoxicated and ending up on the lap of a man she didn't even know. When he confronted her, she told him to fuck off, that he didn't own her. That's when Craig lost it, vowing to himself to prove to her that he actually did.

"I want you, Craig." "Good answer. Nowm spit," he ordered, holding his hand out to her, and she willingly obeyed. He used it as the lubricant needed to slam his cock into her, causing her to scream out.

"That's right, fucking take it, baby. Take all of this thick hard cock." Craig was huge, making y/n scream louder with each thrust he made up into her. Her hands clenched the bed sheets as he fucked her, his large hands gripping her hips firmly, guiding her moves.

"Craig," she breathed, unable to speak much. "Yeah, baby, you like this? You like me filling your tight little cunt with my cock, fucking it harder than I ever have before?" "Yeah," was all she could muster to say. "Fuck yeah you do. Such a fucking good girl, letting me take you take you from behind like this. Fuck!"

The sound of skin slapping together filled the room. Craig pulled her head back, wrapping his hand around her throat possessively. The grip was both thrilling yet terrifying as he continued fucking her that way for a few minutes before releasing her and placing his big tattooed hands over her breasts, squeezing them tightly.

"Fuck Craig," she cried shoving her ass back into him. He smiled at the feeling and placed his hand on her spine, guiding it up to the back of her neck. Gripping it tightly, Craig ruthlessly fuck her until she screamed that she was about to cum, begging him not stop.

"Craig fuck, please! I'm gonna cum." He groaned, throwing his head back, fucking her harder and faster. "Do it, baby, please. Be a good fucking girl and cum on my cock," he panted. That's all it took for y/n's pussy to instantly tighten around him, making her cum.

"Jesus, baby you feel so fucking good," Craig moaned breathlessly before, filling her with his own release. He continued rocking his hips against her, riding them both through their highs, until he thought he might explode. Collapsing over top of her, forcing y/n into the mattress, he pulled out and rolled over onto his back. He was exhausted and completely out of breath.

Y/n laid there, completely wrecked physically, mentally, and emotionally. She felt fulfilled sexually, yet even though they were lovers on an endless ocean that knew no shame, she felt completely used and mistreated emotionally. This was what she had been fearing for a while. This was the beginning of the end of them.

The flowers came to the apartment once a week. Craig did all that he could to make her feel emotionally connected to him once again, but it was no use. As if watching in slow motion, y/n was slipping away from him quietly; even on their date nights, during their lovemaking, but especially in their time apart.

The things they used to love doing together soon became something of the past that they'd talk about in passing. The things that made y/n laugh and light up with joy now only made her grin now. It was hopeless.

They waited, anticipating love from the other when they needed it, but it always returned to some secret place to hide, always hesitating until it was becoming a foolish lover's game.

The mirror would crash soon. Then what?

"You don't hate me as much as you pretend you do, y/n. If you want me on my knees, then just tell me."

Craig followed her as she moved around the bedroom, pulling out drawers and taking out every piece of clothing from inside them. Y/n was fighting back the tears as she packed, knowing that what she was doing was for the best.

"Will you please fucking talk to me!"

Craig grabbed y/n's arm and turned her around to face him. His lips were a mere inch or two from hers, and she could feel the warmth of his breath on them. She was aching to kiss him, to feel him on her, in her, just all over her, really.

"There's nothing to say, Craig," was all she could say." "What do you mean there's nothing to say?" His face was twisted in confusion. "Why are you doing this? Why are you leaving me?" "Just stop, okay," y/n begged, throwing her hand up to her forehand. "No! I won't stop. Not until you tell me," "Because sometimes letting go is the best way to say "I love you"!"

Her words came out faster than she meant them too. Craig's jaw tightened and he let her go immediately. "Letting go?" He took a step back, squeezing his eyes shut then opening them quickly as his brows knitted together.

Y/n's eyes flooded with tears. She dropped her face into her hands, her shoulders shaking from crying. "Y/n, baby, I don't understand. I thought we were, I mean I thought things were okay for us," Craig stammered.

She shook her head slowly. "No, you've known, Craig, just like I have," she sniffed, wiping her face. "This, between us," she said, swiping her finger back and forth between the two of them, "it's not working, it's not fitting anymore, Craig. I want you to be happy because you deserve it and seeing you happy makes me happy, but be honest," she paused, shaking her head, "I haven't made you happy in a long time, and you know it."

Craig could only gawk at her, shocked, but if he was being honest with himself, not surprised. She was right.

"So, this is good-bye?" Y/n shook her head. "Good-bye is like I'll see you again when I'm ready to commit and so are you. I'm letting go, Craig."

"Letting go, what the fuck," he stammered again, throwing his hands up and running them over his hair. His heart was pounding so hard against his chest he thought his chest would burst.

"Yeah, letting go, meaning, I'll miss you, but I've realized you were never meant to be mine. I don't want to let you go, Craig. But through the hourglass, as time has gone by, I've watched you slip away, and every time it takes my breath away. I love you so fucking much," she cried, "but deep down in my heart I know it's the best for both of us."

They stared at each other for what felt like an eternity until finally, y/n grabbed her bag. She kissed Craig's cheek for the last time, took one more look around the apartment, and left without speaking one more word.

The notion that their love was in flames haunted Craig for months. He was a shell of himself, going through the motions only. Just the thought of y/n and everything they had for almost a year brought him to a painful place every time, making even getting out of bed a task he never wanted to complete.

It was over. Y/n was gone and as months passed she and their love became a ghost, a simple figment of his memory. It was better that way. But every now and then a memory would flutter back, bringing with it a pain that would take his breath away, forcing Craig to drink the pain away. He channeled that pain, putting it to good use. He created something that took his mind off of the past when he wasn't involved with Stray. "The Downbeat Podcast" became his baby. It became his work outside of work and he was damn good at it, too. For six years he's managed it, pouring so much of himself into it, making it his life. And he liked it that way, because it never broke his heart.

[acourtofinkandpapyrus]

My Little Shadow: Part Nine (Azriel x Reader)

Warnings: Teasing and mentions of reading smutty books!

Part eight Part ten

Tag list: @mis-lil-red @bubybubsters @luvmoo

After some time to adjust to Velaris, Y/N makes a revelation while training with Azriel...

Also, I'm sad to say my posting schedule will be slowing down a bit. Even if they're a bit shorter, I promise to keep getting this series out to you guys!

It had been two months since I had joined this lovely court, and everything had been going well.  More than well, actually.  Noone could get me to admit it, but I was happier than I had ever been before.

Stella and I had a small home, which when Azriel apologized about the size, and said that they’d have something more suitable for a family of two, I hadn’t cared.

I had just grinned at him and told him it was perfect.

And it was, since I had never had a place where I didn’t have to fear someone barging in on me, or locking me inside for weeks.

Not only that, but I had made friends.

Cassian’s training was absolutely insane, and when we started, I felt like my bones were going to snap into pieces, but Nesta had given me good advice, and eventually I was part of her small friend group.

I liked them, I also loved the tiny book club of which I was now part of.

I had also found myself a… an acquaintance of Amren, the female I had been so interested in before.  I wouldn’t say friends, because we never talk, but neither of us mind hanging out, so that’s nice.

Azriel has been helping us train with my shadows, and I have to admit, it’s the favorite part of my day.  Everyone says I can’t actually go out and start spying until Azriel deems me ready.

“You need to keep your balance.”  Azriel hissed.

Oh, did I also mention he’s a complete hardass during training?

“That’s hard to do when the wind is hitting you like a ton of bricks!”  I half shriek as I almost fall off the rock again.

We had been doing this for three days, and I still haven’t been able to stand with only one foot on the rock.  I might have been able to if there wasn’t so much wind but…

“I thought you were supposed to be training me how to use my shadows!”  I shout over the wind, right before falling face first into the ground.

Azriel chuckles, and I get to my knees to shoot him a withering glare, but I can see he’s by my pack, reading the most recent book from our little book club.

I’m blushing heavily as he raised an eyebrow at me.  “This fell out of your pack when you threw it down.  I thought I’d do some reading.”

I tried not to think of the many possible scenes he could be reading right now, the ones that still made me blush when I read them.

Talking to Morrigan, I had accidently let it slip that I was a virgin, and that I didn’t know about any of that stuff at all, really.

Somehow that had made it back to Nesta, Gwyn, and Emerie, who then picked me out the most… detailed books in their collection.

And now Azriel was reading that book, looking up at me with a sly grin.

Azriel was fun.  He teased and taunted me in ways that didn’t feel like he was picking me apart.  And I liked to spar with him in this way, little snarky remarks back and forth.  HAlf of the things I say would have gotten me strung up at home.

“I am teaching you to use your shadows.  You’re just not understanding the assignment.”  He said, flipping the page as his eyebrows shot up.

I can’t help that my face is bright red as I try to speak, my voice coming out stiff, “What do you mean I don’t understand the assignment?  What do my shadows have to do with balancing on rocks?”

He sighed, tossing the book aside to my relief.  “What do you use your shadows for Y/N?”

I study him, trying to figure out his game.  “They help me spy sometimes, but for the most part they stay with me, hiding me when need be and otherwise they stay with me.”

To prove what I had just told him, I beckon them forth, and they appear by my side.  I tried not to smile, thinking we were finally going to start some real training.

He snorted.  “It’s good to at least know they’re here.  Now go balance on that rock again.”

I try not to gape at him, and I was about to give him a piece of my mind, but my shadows have other ideas.

I gasp a little bit as they pull me over to the rock again, and I quickly relent, sighing as I perch atop it once again.

Looking down at my shadows, which seemed to be encouraging me, it suddenly hit me what Azriel wanted.

I’m tempted not to do it, just to spite him.

But my legs are tired, and if this means moving on in our training, then mother help me I would jump off a cliff at this point.

My shadows follow my lead, helping me balance against the wind, and suddenly it’s not a struggle at all to stay upright.

Azriel appears from around the corner, smirking.  “There we go little shadow.”

I shoot him a glare, and he just laughs.

Watching him laugh, my heart flutters a bit, my cheeks turn pink and I struggle to breathe-

I almost fall off the rock as I realize what’s going on to my horror.

I was falling in love with him.

[ourloveiselectrifying]

Hello hello! It's me DFP

I'm wondering where you learned/are you learning to Code? I find the structure of your game quite entertaining and I like to take a little inspiration from it (If I'm allowed)

And I tried to make images that are options but apparently I'm still a long way from leaving the beta of my projects So I wanted to seek advice from you

(Also, if this is not the correct account to ask this I apologize, but if you have some very good advice that can help me please feel free to go to my DMs)

Hello DFP! :3 (I'm not exactly sure what you mean by structure sorry, but probably yes haha) 

I didn't learn coding. In fact, the scariest part of my game is the code itself! I would like to take classes in art and coding someday! It's just not a great time in my country to be spending money atm ahahahaha- (cries in national housing and inflation crisis)

If you're using Renpy to make a VN, smart people would recommend giving the Renpy and Python's offcal guides a good look and watching Renpy tutorials on youtube.

For me, I'm the kinda person that only takes in information by dissecting and breaking things, then learning from the mistakes. I looked at the front page of the Python pdf, and it made my ADHD repossess my body despite being on the max dose of ritalin. I immediately closed it then skimmed through the Renpy quickstart, not really taking in any of the information, jumped right into designing the main menu, minced up the code, caught a bunch of errors, and had to check out fourms for fixes.

Have some random tips that may or may not be helpful since I don't know your skill level and I, am infact, not skilled in Renpy, I have no idea what I'm doing half the time! :3

Make new files for everything, don't just put it all in the script or it's going to get ridiculous.

Scripts get LONG use # and add notes, so you can CTRL + F and find stuff easily.

If you're like me, check out renpy's reddit/lemma soft fourms, if you're not getting good goog search results, it might be the words you're using, I had this issue a lot, try changing up words in your question (options/preferences/choices/decisions)

When you're learning copy and paste the code/answer, once you know the the code and can type it out fast, then starting manually typing it out.

Always check the dates on posts, there's a bunch of old renpy guides/fourms that don't work anymore.

There is more than one way to skin a dingo (sorry kevin), if you've found a fix that seems ridiculous but it's working, keep it!

If you have anger problems prepare to get fuckin' pissed off! Before you start coding have a coffee/bottle of water/energy drink beside you, so you have to walk away to take angry piss breaks and can clear your head.

If you absolutely cannot figure something out, make a copy, put it aside and work on something else until you're a little more skilled.

I have three copies of olie, the one that works, the one that I'm experimenting on, and the one on a USB I copy when I get drunk and forget which is my "fuck around" code and which is my "don't touch it, it works" code and I annihilate my game. Make regular backups to your USB for any emergencies, houses burn down. Limit your drinking while coding.

Compare code to the game base if you're coming up with errors. Goog the exact error that pops up when the game crashes. (renpy expected statement)

Click the blue text and it'll take you to it. Sometimes it's not very accurate and you need to look a little above or below the line the error happened. 70% of the time your error is a missing space or "," or an extra space!

I also recommend checking out all the shortcuts on your code editing software (I'm using visual studio code!) I was manually adding indents to each line, which was wasting an insane amount of time LMAO ;w; 

I'm not exactly sure what you mean by images that are options, but I'm guessing an imagebutton? If you search "renpy imagebutton" there's a few forums and tutorials that will guide you but it's like this.

You need a screen for your buttons, an image, if you're feeling funky add transforms to the button, else just use a different image for idle/hover!

Add the anchor before you do xpos/ypos because it messes around with the positions and you'll have to re-adjust the xpos/ypos again. You need anchor for the transitions to work properly.

If you want the button to make a sound on click add activate_sound or remove it if you don't want one, it's optional.

This is how you make the transform, you can do a TON of different transforms. This is a simple idle/hover transform. ease is the animation type/speed, alpha is transparency, 1.0 is fully visible, 0.0 is transparent, at 0.5 on idle, it has a dimmed effect. the zoom makes it bigger. Make a new file for this one!

Buttons have a TON of actions to choose from, this is a time I actually would checkout renpy's offical guides. This one does the same as a jump at the end of a label or choice.

If you want your game to not pause when your buttons are visible, just use "show screen nameofthescreenhere zorder 20" (zorder is the layers, 20 is like usually the top, you can go higher though)

If you want your game to pause while the screen is up, use call screen instead of show!

I probably won't do too many of these coding/renpy support things on my tumblr but, OLIE'S discord server has a few game dev channels for coding support if you'd want to join there! :3

I wish you well and goodluck on your game!!! 💖🫡🍀

[blazehedgehog]

How are you doing of late? Remember watching your update vid where you mentioned moving and thinking "thank god, this guy is way overdue for some good news." I hope it's continued in that direction.

It's complicated.

I do think, as a blanket statement, where I am right now is better than where I was six months ago. The room I am in now is big enough that it borderlines on being a legitimate studio apartment. I saw this Game Center CX clip on Bluesky and seeing the size of Inoko's apartment made me realize just how close it is to the space I'm living in. Mine's not quite that big, but I only had maybe five total feet of floor space at my brother's and now I've got enough room to get up and walk around. And I'll have even more space if I can finish sorting through all the junk I brought with me that I don't need.

Mentally is where it gets hard to figure, though, again, broadly speaking, I think I am pointed in the right direction.

Obviously, if folks read this blog long enough, some of you out there will know that I had a breakdown in high school. A real, proper, actual, no-exaggeration breakdown. I went to a very dark place and stayed there for over a decade. And at some point, I finally got a hold of myself and realized I needed to get out of that dark place. I started taking baby steps to improve myself. And it worked, to a limited degree, because progress was slow. But it's not a race.

And the short of it is, something I don't think I've ever talked about here before (though I think it came up in that 25,000 subs Youtube video) is that I never moved out. I lived with my Mom for my whole life. By the time I was taking the baby steps to crawl out of my darkness, conversations with my mom gradually shifted from "you need to move out and get your own life" to "I'm getting old and it's nice having someone around to help me do things."

And that, in itself, is a whole thing that can be unpacked and I probably won't do it here.

So she dies and I'm not ready for it. And my brother takes me in, probably more out of obligation than anything else, and I don't know what to do with myself.

So this opportunity came up, to be my cousin's roommate, and it's too good to pass up. Growing up, my cousins were some of my best friends. They are smart and compassionate and chill. The deal looks so good that it almost feels like they are pitying me. I am slowly losing my mind at my brother's place being cramped up in this space so small I can't even fully open my refrigerator door. I had to take the opportunity.

And the long and short of it is... I am now experiencing something like 20 years of growing pains in a very short amount of time. It hurts. A lot. It is some of the most stress I've felt in my entire life. Even when I was having my breakdown, and I was having indescribable panic attacks, I'm not sure I was ever this stressed.

There are a lot of long, old insecurities being touched here. I feel like I am making their lives hell right now. And it's weird to be able to say that, right? To be able to take a step back from yourself and know "I am acting irrationally" and still have another part of you that will act irrationally anyway. You almost can't help it. So it's been a lot of talking things out, a lot of me sobbing uncontrollably some days, And a lot of them trying their absolute hardest to be patient with me. Again: growing pains. Long overdue growing pains.

But I can also take a step back and know this is probably a good thing. It hurts right now, but that's because it's pain everybody else experiences slowly over the course of 20 years, and I'm basically getting it all at once in the span of three months. But I can't run away from it. I can't avoid it. Nobody can. I've just gotta get it done.

Unfortunately it's the middle of January and even for people with better qualifications than me, this is the time where the job market dries up for a month or two. Which is another big stressor. I gotta make that $700 in rent and sadly Youtube ain't cutting it in that regard. So, what, am I gonna have to turn into one of those people who begs for handouts because they can't make rent this month? I don't want to. But I might have to until something breaks.

But yeah. Regretfully, betterment progress is still pending. But I think things are looking up. They are lighting a fire under my butt out here in such a way that I think I've needed for a long time. And fire bad... but fire warm. You understand.

For one genuine positive, after years of friends pushing me to sign up, coming out to Colorado has made it staggeringly easy to register for EBT assistance. While living at my brother's I was squeezing by on about $30 a week for groceries and now I feel like I have so much money for food I can't spend it all. Or, more specifically, I've started buying higher quality food, which is probably a lot better for my health.

For example: hot dogs. I like a good hot dog. And hot dogs are the cheapest food out there. A pack of the cheapest hot dogs is like a buck. But that's probably really bad for you! If you eat two of those cheap hot dogs, that's like 30% of your daily cholesterol intake right there.

So instead, I bought Famous Nathan's. From $1 a pack to $5 a pack. Half the cholesterol. And, man, the taste is significantly better. I hadn't had a Famous Nathan's hot dog since before my mom died and I treasured it here. Because I can afford it now!

The weight off my shoulders is truly something remarkable.