#thranduil and miriel babysat the we’s

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The -we’s are all the friends who you would call if you murdered someone and you need help hiding the body. They might bitch about it, but they know all the tricks in the book.

They’re all lowkey pissed that they can’t act unhinged now that they’re royalty.

Finwe: *holding court with all the noble noldor elves*

Also finwe: *crouched behind a dumpster* *cell phone in hand* hey, i need help. We have a code “dead body” and i need clean up and an alibi stat.

Ingwe, standing next to him covered in blood, absolutely no fucks to give: i also want a coffee.

Olwe, on the other side of the phone: Guys, again?

Elwe, laughing in the background: oh my god-

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

My AU

Thranduil and Ingwe, when ingwe was still an elfling. good dad thranduil, as always. this is way back at lake cuivienen.

when i say that middle earth before the sun rose was practically alien to today, this is what i mean.

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The real reason Ingwe, Elwe, and Finwe went to scope out valinor:

A prank they played on Lasgen: Gone Wrong

Lasgen: *absolutely murderous and hunting them down as we speak*

Finwe, Ingwe, and Elwe: *huddled up in a hidden corner, going over their options*

Finwe: suggestions?

Ingwe: i mean running away, obviously

Finwe: that’s where i was going with that-

Elwe: i’m cool with “running away” really

Finwe: and how far should we run away?

Elwe: quite a long way.

Finwe: and how soon?

Inwe: Now?

Finwe and Elwe: Now.

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Elwe, finwe, olwe, and ingwe: *chilling in valinor post 3rd age*

Lasgen: *kicks in the door* i’m sorry, i have to ask-

Lasgen: WHY THE FUCK ARE YA’LLS DESCENDANTS OBSESSED WITH FUCKING EACH OTHER? IS IT SOMETHING IN THE WATER HERE???

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*Lasgen, Finwe, Elwe, Olwe, and Ingwe are tasked with getting information from an orc stronghold, but they need to get past the guards first*

Finwe: So what's your plan for getting past those guys?

Lasgen: Live bait.

Olwe: *nodding* Good idea.

Finwe, realizing: Hey!

Elwe: Come on, Finwe! You guys have to create a diversion.

Finwe: What do you want me to do, dress in drag and do the hula?

♪ dadadadum dadum dum! ♪

Finwe, with only shoes and a skirt on and a flower necklace: Luau! *starts strumming the ukulele*

Olwe, in the same boat as finwe: *drumming on a drum*

Finwe: ♪ If you're hungry for a hunk of fat and juicy meat, eat my buddy Olwe here because he is a treat. Come on down and dine on this tasty elf. All you have to do is get in line. Are you achin?♪

Olwe: ♪ Yep, yep, yep. ♪

Finwe: ♪ For some bacon? ♪

Olwe: ♪ Yep, yep, yep. ♪

Lasgen, ingwe, and Elwe: *holding in their laughter as they sneak past the orcs*

Finwe: ♪ He's a big elf. ♪

Olwe: ♪ Yep, yep. ♪

Finwe: ♪ You could be a big elf too! ♪

Finwe and Olwe: *strike a pose* ♪ Oi!

Orcs: *charging*

Finwe and olwe, still half naked: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Lasgen, Ingwe, and Elwe: *chocking* *almost dying of laughter as the group runs off*

Lasgen: *wheezing* i’m never gonna let them live that down!

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Finwe and Lasgen meeting up in valinor after Lasgen dies and they both re-enbody:

Lasgen: i see you’re still a light weight.

Finwe: Hey! I improved!

Lasgen: so you can handle 2 glasses of wine now?

Finwe: why are you always so mean to me.

Lasgen: you make it way to easy,

Lasgen: besides, drunk you is a spectacle.

Arafinwe, interjecting: really? I don’t think i’ve ever seen him drunk before.

Lasgen,nodding empathetically: oh yeah, one time he got so drunk and he was hitting on Miriel-

Finwe: so? We were already courting!

Lasgen: you asked if she was single-

Lasgen: and then cried when she said she wasn’t.

Finwe:

Arafinwe: HA

Lasgen: don’t worry, she liked her elves a little pathetic.

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

How it was revealed that the -We’s experimented with each other pre-orome

Ok, but imagine:

Post silvans arriving in valinor, where Lasgen meets up with her childhood friends. (Cw: not !ndis friendly)

!ndis, over dinner: -well, i’m the queen and i don’t think a commoner such as you should have any say in the lives of the noldor.

Lasgen: oh, calm down bitch. I fucked him *jerks thumb at finwe* too, you’re not that special.

Nolofinwe & arafinwe: *spit-take*

Finwe: *buries head in hands*

Lasgen: i might be a lesbian and married to my wife now, whom i love. But there was a time in my life where i knew neither of these things and i was a horny, curious teenager.

!ndis, born a vanya in valinor where the elves are highly celibate: *screeching*

Lasgen: for that matter, i also fucked olwe and elwe. Not ingwe bc he’s my half sibling, and wasn’t that a surprise to find out-

Finids: aaAaAaAaHHhhhH-

Lasgen: i’m pretty sure finwe fucked olwe, elwe, and ingwe as well. I distinctly remember walking in on several pairings-

Feanor: shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Lasgen: and of course, he fucked Miriel as well, as shown by exhibit A: *points at feanor*

Finwe: *red as a tomato right about now*

Lasgen: so as you can see, just because you did the horizontal tango with this dumbass doesn’t actually make your opinion superior.

Lasgen: especially when you’re being a homophobic bitch, when, as you can clearly infer, finwe doesn’t actually have a problem with queer people.

Everyone:....

Finwe: .... both Miriel and i are bi, and even if i was queerphobic, i’m way too scared of lasgen and her dad to keep up that idiocy.

Lasgen: you’re right, i would kill you.

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

Pre-orome: (cw: sexual humor)

Elwe & Lasgen: *talking*

Finwe: *sneaks up behind them and peaks out from behind a tree* *whispered hiss* hey!

Elwe & Lasgen: ???

Finwe, a little louder: over here!

Elwe & Lasgen: *turn around to face finwe*

Finwe: *butt naked from what they can see from where they’re standing* *tears streaming down his face* *looking like he’s about to cry again* i need help

Elwe:...

Lasgen: what the fuck did you do?

Finwe: uuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

——————- 1 explanation later ————————-

Lasgen: *rubbing her temples*

Elwe: so let me get this straight: you were horny-

Finwe: *blushing madly* y-yes

Elwe: and instead of using your hands, or finding a partner, or something-

Elwe: you grabbed a long circular shaped metal and... decided to use it as a make shift p***y.

Finwe: .... yeah.

Lasgen: *world’s longest sigh* but you forgot to account for your d**k growth when you get hard and now the metal’s stuck on your mini-me.

Finwe: please help me, the sharp edges are going to tear it open-

Lasgen: *breaths* Akami-

Elwe: i mean, we’ll have to cut it off. I don’t see any other way. Not with the way the metal’s shaped.

Finwe:

Finwe: *starts sobbing* i don’t wanna loose my d**k. Miriel will never want me with only 1 inch!

Elwe: oh my Okrea.

Lasgen: hhnnnnnn, you hold him, i’ll cut him out. Though it might be better for miriel to do it, since she’s much more precise with the blade-

Finwe: NO PLEASE!! I CAN’T HAVE HER KNOW ABOUT THIS!

Lasgen: why? She already knows of your particular brand of idiocy.

Finwe: *starts crying harder*

Elwe: let’s just get this over with.

———————— almost an hour later ————————

Finwe: *clinging onto and sobbing in Elwe’s lap as Elwe holds him still*

Lasgen: *carefully handling finwe’s d**k and cutting the metal away* i now know you in a way i never wish i did.

Elwe: yeah, let’s not have a repeat of this.

Lasgen: *accidentally poking at the sensative flesh*

Finwe: *yelps loudly*

Lasgen: if you don’t stop moving i will actually remove it permanently.

Finwe: *stifling his whimpers*

Elwe: please just finish quickly.

Lasgen:

Lasgen: never say that again.

Lasgen: *making the final cut* and done. Fucking finally.

Finwe: *extracting himself from elwe’s lap and craddling his d**k* oh my god, i’d thought i’d loose you! *turns to Lasgen and Elwe* thank you so much, i’ll never be able to repay you.

Elwe: don’t mention it.

Finwe: i can-

Lasgen: Seriously. Don’t. Lets all agree to never talk about this ever again.

Finwe: *nodding his head rapidly before running off to get some clothes*

Elwe:

Elwe: *leans towards lasgen* you’re gonna use this as blackmail later on, aren’t you?

Lasgen: only if he pisses me off.

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How Miriel and Finwe met

Finwe’s mama: here, Miriel and Thranduil are going to look after you while i go hunting.

Bby Finwe, hiding behind his mama’s leg: *shaking head* No! Don’t wanna!

Miriel, knealing down: hey, it’ll be ok! You’ll see your mama in no time!

Finwe: *peeks around his mama’s legs*

Finwe: *sees Miriel* *blushes bright red* p-pretty

Miriel: thank you!

Finwe: *blushes even more*

Miriel, getting kinda concerned now: ahh, are you ok? You aren’t sick are you? *puts hand on finwe’s forhead to check the temperature*

Finwe: *a fucking tomato at this point**passes out*

Miriel: aAAAAHHHHHHHH THRANDUIL, COME QUICK! I THINK I ACCIDENTALLY KILLED A CHILD!!!

Bonus:

Thranduil, holding his daughter while the other -we’s are hanging off him, sees the crush finwe has on Miriel: *i’m gonna yeet the child* MIRIEL STOP SCREAMING, he’ll live.

Thranduil, mumbling: unfortunately.

Miriel: what was that?

Thranduil: please help me with these demons.

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

Miriel and Finwe’s relationship (funny)

Thranduil and Miriel are very much adults before Orome came, and i lowkey hc that Miriel and Thranduil babysat bby finwe, ingwe, elwe, olwe, and Elmo, and finwe had the most adorable and hilarious bby crush on Miriel that she didn’t take seriously until he came back from his first trip to valinor and all of a sudden she realized that he was a grown elf and a hot one at that.

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Bby finwe: *giving Miriel (whose babysitting him with her brother) a flower* this is for you, because you’re so pretty!

Miriel: *not taking it seriously* awwwww, thank you!

Thranduil, watching this from the sidelines: *snorts* looks like someone’s got a crush.

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Finwe: *returning from his trip to valinor with Orome as a full adult after leaving when he was still in that awkward young adult phase* *is hot* hello again, Miriel!

Miriel: *doing a double take bc when the hell did he grow up??* Whoa, Hello-

Thranduil, watching this go down: you’ve got to be kidding me.

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

Here’s what i consider the 411 on Miriel+ Thranduil+ the -We’s parents in my “Miriel and Thranduil are twins au”

Miriel and Thranduil’s parents: Oropher and Cloudryad.

-they were enemies and hated each other at first, but with copious sexual tension that eventually boiled over and they had hate sex, which they refused to acknowledge when they were done. Rinse and repeat a few times.

- Oropher has his insanity and “lets destroy the world” arc, but Cloudryad eventually manages to snap him out of it (beat him). Oropher disapears to lick his wounds and then they reunite at an unfortunate (or fortunate depending on who you ask) time where they’re both in deep shit and they go “i don’t trust or like you, but i hate those other fuckers even more so might as well team up”.

- They win, and it turns out they actually work pretty well together so they decide to stick together bc at least they know what the other’s capable of. Cue hate sex again and hey! Look at that! A pair of elflings pop out of Cloudryad. The entire elf population panics bc they’ve never had sex ed or knew what a child was.

- Eventually the partnership turned to genuine affection turned to love and now they’re like the old couple that bickers (surprisingly good parents considering they were the first).

Elwe, Olwe, and Elmo’s parents: Elya and Felome.

- Elya is a strong independent elleth who can kick ass and take names. Oropher is her brother and she trusts him to take care of her kids when/if she passes.

- Felome is a little pathetic, but like endearing pathetic. Elya likes her ellons a little on the weak side. She thinks it’s charming. Felome is a very curious elf though, so the exploration gene comes from him.

Ingwe’s parents (here’s a doozy): Ingen and Allehalen

- so long story short, Ingwe’s dad (Ingen) is a POS who knocked up Thranduil, but when Thranduil refused to obey or be chained down by him, Ingen went to “get milk” came across Ingwe’s mom, seduced her, knocked her up and here we have Ingwe.

- Allehalen isn’t a baseline bad elf, but she lets her husband lead her around, so she isn’t great. Allehalen knew Elya, and when Elya mentioned Thranduil and Miriel looking after Elwe and Olwe (and later Elmo) when Elya and Felome were busy or else where, Allehalen asked if they could watch Ingwe too, not knowing the fact that her husband knocked Thranduil up and had Lasgen, who’s Ingwe’s half sister.

- They find out when Ingen accompanied Allehalen to pick up Ingwe only to come face to face with Thranduil and Lasgen. Oof. Awkward. Anyway, neither Allehalen nor Ingen are really cut out to be parents nor are they really like, good elves to be parents iykwim. So Thranduil and Miriel legit end up being more of a parental figure than them. Ingew holds it over them to this day. “You know, it’s quite sad that dad’s ex, whome he knocked up and dipped out on, is more of a parent to me than either of you.”

- Indis was born of these two in valinor and she low-key inherited the entitlement from them. She’s not as bad, but still.

Finwe’s parents: Lord. Help. Mori and Fikuwe.

- The most emotionally constipated couple to ever walk the earth. It’s a miracle that finwe is as well adjusted as he is. Mori and Fikuwe teamed up all the way at the start when they awakened, even though they clashed as well.

- Fikuwe is pretty chill (finwe takes after him) but Mori is simultaneous genius level smart and also a goddamn moron. And slightly manipulative. Not even having Finwe managed to get them together. They survived all the way to the 5th age without actually becoming a couple (even though it’s obvious for everyone involved). They partner up, fight and then split. Rinse and repeat.

- They’re not together, partially because Mori doesn’t understand that Fikuwe genuinly likes her (ultra oblivious) but mostly because they can’t emote normally. During the fifth age, they had a one night stand that resulted in finwe having a younger sister, but Mori kept it from Fikuwe because she didn’t find out about the pregnancy until after they fought again and Mori’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to see her for a century. Like i said. Issues.

- That being said, for all that they couldn’t figure out their own relationship, they did genuinly care for and love their son, and they were ok parents.

- Mori is very good friends with Cloudryad, but clashes a lot with Oropher due to similar personalities. Cloudryad and Fikuwe are the pair that sit and drink tea while they’re partners are fighting in the background.

(Listen, ok, the elves that spawned at the lake have the emotionally maturity of a new born, of course they are all messes!)

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Miriel: I'm kind of crushing... on someone... But I'm worried about telling you who it is because, well, you're not gonna like it.

Thranduil: just rip the bandage off

Miriel: it’s Finwe

Thranduil: put the bandage back on.

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Thranduil: where’s Lasgen?

Finwe: doing stuff.

Thranduil: don’t like that, where’s Ingwe?

Finwe: trying to stop Lasgen from doing stuff.

Thranduil: Elwe?

Finwe: he’s trying to stop Ingwe from stopping Lasgen from doing stuff.

Thranduil: Olwe??

Finwe: He’s trying to stop elwe, who’s trying to stop Ingwe from stopping Lasgen from doing stuff.

Thranduil: wasn’t Miriel supposed to be watching you?

Finwe: She’s trying to stop Olwe from stopping Elwe, who’s trying to stop Ingwe from stopping Lasgen from doing stuff.

Thranduil: and you are...?

Finwe: trying to stop you from stopping Miriel trying to stop Olwe from stopping Elwe, who’s trying to stop Ingwe from stopping Lasgen from doing stuff.

Thranduil:....

Finwe: it’s confusing, isn’t it?

Thranduil: shut it simp.

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

The -We’s Playing Monopoly

(Plus thranduil, miriel, and thranduil’s kid: Lasgen)

Pre-orome days, when the -we’s +lasgen are teenagers.

Lasgen and Elwe are bffs.

Miriel is loving the chaos.

Thranduil is So Done

Ingwe is the mom friend but has given up.

Olwe thought he and Finwe could team up to beat Lasgen and Elwe (who always form an alliance)

They were wrong.

Also, YES, Elwe had emerald green hair before Melian made him her thrall, which is when his hair turned white.

I personally hc that a thrall’s hair turns white and their eyes get a yellow tint.

You can of course be born with silvery hair like Miriel and Olwe (who’s hair is blue tinted) but not straight up white.

Remember: for me (in this au) pre-melian elwe is Elwe, post Melian elwe is Elu Thingol. These are two very different beings.

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

Miriel and Thranduil explaining Venomous vs Poisonous

Miriel: if it bites you and you die, it’s venomous. If you bit it and you die, it’s poisonous.

Finwe: what if it bites me and it dies?

Lasgen: that means you’re poisonous. Good gods, finwe, pay attention.

Ingwe: what if it bites itself and i die?

Elwe: that’s voodoo.

Olwe: what if it bites me and sm1 else dies?

Elwe: that’s correlation, not causation.

Finwe: what if we bite each other and neither of us die?

Lasgen: that’s kinky.

Thranduil:...

Thranduil:... ONE breakfast, can we go for ONE BREAKFAST before we dive straight into this bullshit!?!

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

Finwe: Are we in trouble?

Miriel: Take a guess.

Elwe: No?

Thranduil: Try again.