#thought about my dad a lot and will probably cry about him later (its been 2 years since he died)

[perfectsoundwhateverrr]

the socialising part of christmas is over!!! time to turn off brain watch community play animal crossing (maybe cry??? today was nice and good but im so mentally exhausted from being social and having big feelings)

[rcmclachlan]

OKAY so this is for @dadvans specifically because he and I have spent many an evening across multiple fandoms shouting at each other about various characters and their raging pregnancy kinks but anyway.

I saw this post.

And I had this thought that Tommy's probably only ever thought of children tangentially. Like, I kind of clock him as an only child who didn't have any little kids in his neighborhood growing up. His dad's sister had three, all of them older than him, and his mom's brother had two but they lived on the other side of the country so he only saw them in Christmas card photos and once at his grandmother's funeral.

The only kids he's ever around are the ones he sees on calls, who are all either unconscious, traumatized, or somewhere in the background out of the way where he doesn't have to interact with them. He's basically that gif of Alec Baldwin trying to console a crying Tina Fey with a broom, like, "there there."

But now that his life is enmeshed with the 118, he's around kids all the time: Jee, Christopher, Denny, Mara. And he sees Buck with them—how good he is to them, how patient and kind and compassionate, how he listens seriously to them and always tries to meet them on their level—and it's doing something for him. Like, a lot.

Then, like, one evening Buck and Tommy have dinner with Kameron and Connor, and they bring the baby—who has Buck's eyes and the same shape of his lips—with them, and Tommy watches Buck like a hawk all night. Buck's a natural with Spencer: holding him like a pro, soothing him whenever he fussed, making him laugh. He's loath to put him down.

Tommy's never seen someone so suited to be a parent before. He knows Buck wants kids more than anything. Buck stops to interact with every child they pass on the street the way Tommy does with dogs, like he can't help it, like he's got a homing beacon inside him. And children gravitate to Buck like he's a Disney princess. And after watching Buck with Kameron and Connor's kid, Tommy can't stop thinking about it. About Buck and kids. Specifically, Buck and their kids. 

Tommy looks out into his backyard and can picture Buck out there putting together one of those plastic Fisher Price playhouses and running around chasing after a toddler waddling around on chubby legs and tucked up next to a crib in the guest room-turned-nursery reading The Little Mouse, the Red Ripe Strawberry, and the Big Hungry Bear to a drooling baby trying to shove its foot in its mouth. A baby with Buck's eyes and mouth, and Tommy's nose and cheeks. 

SO ANYWAY smash cut to later that night and Tommy's balls-deep in Buck, fucking him slowly, doing it missionary the way Buck loves because this way they can kiss and he can see every stupid expression that crosses Tommy's face, and Tommy's staring down at him and blurts out, "You were really good with Spencer tonight." 

And Buck sort of gasp-laughs, like, "You know I love kids," and he arches up against Tommy, and Tommy's hand slides down between them so he can get a hand on Buck's cock, but halfway there he gets distracted by the feeling of Buck's belly. It's taut and toned and flexing with every thrust, and out of nowhere a little voice in his head goes but imagine what it would look like with a bump. 

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

And then his brain kind of makes a weird popping noise and his mouth goes rogue and says, "I know you do. I know you wanna have kids. Would you wanna have my kids?"

Evan's eyes fly open wide and he sort of stutter-wheezes in shock, "What? What do you—"

But now that Tommy's started, he can't stop, and the leisurely pace he'd been maintaining loses rhythm before picking up the pace, just these deep, dragging thrusts that pull at Evan's hole on the drawback. "But I don't think you'd be satisfied with just being handed a kid. I think you'd want it to be part of you from the start. I think you'd wanna feel it every step of the way. You want to feel it growing inside you so bad, don't you, baby? I bet it's all you think about."

"Tommy, what the fuck—" But Evan's mouth is open and panting, tongue lolling around in his mouth like it's suddenly too big to control, and he starts shuddering hard enough that his bones must be rattling. Tommy can feel his fat dick twitching against his stomach, drooling so much precome the glide between them is soaked and almost too easy, and Evan's insides are vibrating where they clutch Tommy's cock like a vice.

With a grunt, Tommy gathers Evan's impossibly long legs in the bends of his elbows and folds him practically in half, wheezing like he's gutshot, "Maybe I can't trust you with our condoms anymore. Maybe you've poked holes in all of them."

"Oh fuck, that's so hot," Evan gasps, his arms flying up over his head so he can put his hands against the headboard and fuck himself wildly back on Tommy's cock, his eyes wide and scandalized, and alight with a lust bordering on violent. Even through the condom, Tommy can feel how hot he is inside, like a fever, like magma.

They've fucked a million ways since they first got together—enthusiastic, rough, slow, sweet, hard, exhausted, frenzied, grateful—but they've never fucked like this: just absolutely nasty. 

"What are you gonna do if the condom breaks?" Tommy gasps into Evan's ear, then bites it while Evan drags in desperate gulps of air and scrabbles for purchase on Tommy's back, fingers slipping in sweat. "I'd fill you up. I'd shove so much come up inside you that it'd have to take."

Evan's wailing so loud the neighbors are absolutely going to call the cops and his hole is rippling around Tommy's dick so good that Tommy's eyes roll back into his head, and then Evan starts begging like his heart's breaking, "Oh god, oh fuck, please, baby, do it, I want it so much, I want to feel it."

Through the sweat dripping in his stinging eyes, Tommy looks down at Evan, who's got his teeth bared like an animal, who's taking every punishing thrust like it's his due, even as his eyes well up with tears that spill over his temples into his hairline. He thinks of how it would feel without the condom between them, how he would see-saw his cock through wads of his own come into the dripping hot sleeve of Evan's body, every thrust pushing more and more of it into some secret place where it would stay until something took root. He squeezes his eyes shut, because if he spends one more second looking at the hungry, crazed expression twisting Evan's face into a rictus, he's going to come.

The bed frame's making metal-on-metal sounds that don't sound like they're covered under the warranty, but Tommy can't stop fucking Evan like he's trying to split him down the middle. He's going to shove his way inside until he reaches the pulp at the center and pries Evan open like a nectarine. 

"You want it?" Tommy bites out, then doesn't wait for an answer, dropping down and smearing his mouth over Evan's in a fierce, sloppy kiss, sucking his tongue, biting his lips. Their teeth clack together painfully and Evan makes wounded noises into his mouth when Tommy's cock grinds up deep inside him. Tommy fucks him brutally until he stops.

Breaking away with a choked gasp, Evan chants tearfully, "Oh my god, oh my god, come in me, please, I want you to, god, Tommy, fuck me pregnant," and then comes messily between them, and there's so much of it like there always is, soaking their skin, sliding down to get sucked up by the sheets. Evan sobs and comes and comes and comes himself insensate.

The combination of the hard clench of Evan's body and his desperate pleas touches some part of Tommy's lizard brain that feels like a one-two punch, and he fucks in and in and in frantically, buries himself inside that trembling furnace, and finally something breaks and he comes like it's the last thing he'll ever do.

Gracelessly, he collapses on top of Evan, sucking in great, painful gulps of air, while Evan shivers underneath him like he's been electrocuted (again). Somehow, Evan still finds the wherewithal to throw his arms around Tommy's back and cling, pulling down on him as though he can somehow make Tommy sink deeper into him, like he never wants to not be glued together by sweat and come. Impossible. Tommy's two-hundred-and-something pounds of deadweight and his head is full of television snow. He's a husk of a man. He's probably going to die here.

Evan coughs into Tommy's hair. His voice is in absolute tatters when he chokes out, "That was a hell of a way to ask if I want kids."

From where his face is smashed into the bed just above Evan's shoulder, Tommy mumbles, "I think every single brain cell my body's ever made is in the condom right now. Good thing you're the smart one or else our kid would be up shit creek."

Evan's entire body shakes with laughter, and Tommy can't help but join in, exhaustedly lifting his head so he doesn't miss a second more of that grin. If Athena knew the kinds of things Tommy'd do for that smile, she'd throw his ass in prison for the next 500 years.

"At least they'd still be pretty," Evan says, snickering. 

"There is that," Tommy agrees, and with a grunt he forces himself off the warm, welcoming mattress that Evan's allowed himself to become to deal with the aforementioned condom. He shudders in revulsion when he slides it off and tying it is an exercise in futility—it's disgustingly full and his hands are shaking. 

Evan lifts his head to see what he's doing, then lets it drop back with a huff. "Just wrap it in a bunch of tissues."

"Is it weird that I resent wearing it at all?" Tommy finally loops it so he can tie the knot, then throws it in the direction of the little trash barrel on the other side of the nightstand. It hits the floor with the same slap a water balloon makes. Tommy skeeves a face at it.

"'Course not," Evan says, sliding a hand up Tommy's thigh, aimless. "Our kid's swimming around in there somewhere."

Tommy risks a look at his face, because there's going with the flow and then there's letting your boyfriend plow you into the mattress while he tells you he wants to get you pregnant. But Evan doesn't look mad or like he's laughing at Tommy. He mostly looks peaceful, and maybe a little bemused. 

"Uh, I'm sorry about that," Tommy says, feeling so awkward he wants to peel his own skin off. It shapes his words strangely. "I just—watching you with Spencer made me a little insane, I think."

"Don't be sorry. I think I learned something new about myself tonight, but hell if I can tell you what it is." A sly smile spreads across Evan's face like a flame on a candle's wick. "Either way, it was fucking hot."

Relief unwinds all the muscles in Tommy's lower back, and he hunkers down, slotting himself up against Evan and pillowing his cheek on Evan's chest. Almost immediately, Evan slides the pads of his fingers up and down his spine, and Tommy can feel himself rapidly approaching post-nut blackout territory.

"But kids, though," Evan murmurs thoughtfully.

"Mm." Tommy sketches a nuzzle against Evan's nipple, which earns him a laugh and a slap to the back of the head. He chuckles and settles down with a hum. "Yeah. Well, our kids."

"Huh." The smile on Evan's face is audible, and deafening.

[beybaldes]

of the goodness, love, I still carry for you

masterlist

Sejanus Plinth x gn!reader

summary: He sounded ridiculous; you’d want him for forever and then even longer then that.

OR

the one where home is wherever Sejanus plinth is

warnings: okay gurl pls l'm making it up as I go along pls ignore how un-cannon-like this can be at times l've decided anything is possible lol oops, probably 0OC but it's okay because Sejanus is baby boy, final part to my three part part Sejanus mini series, fix it fic I promise my boy deserves to be happy :((

an: thank you so much for all the love on my other two Seianus fics!!! <33 more to come soon <33

The games are over within a few days, Lucy Gray its victor and Coriolanus Snow the winner of the Plinth prize. And you’ve been spending every moment since pulling Sejanus out of the arena at his side; you’ve even taken to sleeping in his bed with him, not that Sejanus minded, too terrified to even risk letting him out of your sights. That’s why you have no idea how it’s gotten past you that he wanted to become a peacekeeper.

It must have been a conversation held during a meeting with his father, such events you and Ma Plinth were banned from even being near, let alone participating in. Strabo had made it clear he thought that two of you were too emotionally invested in his Son’s doings, and didn’t care enough about the continuation of his wealth and prestige. So, you’d figured his dad must have forced him to do it as some kind of punishment for his out-lash against the capital, as some kind of reminder that rebels - even the rich ones - would get punished.

“I asked him to go.” Sejanus reached for your shaking hand, running his thumb over your knuckles as his other thumb ran across your cheek, wiping away the tears that ran down your face. “It was my idea, please don’t cry.”

You couldn’t understand. Well, you could. Sejanus wanted to fix the problem and he thought that this was the best way to do it, he’d talked himself in and you knew he wouldn’t back down from it now. 20 years is so long, you wouldn’t stop him, but letting him go would break your heart. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know.” Sejanus continued to wipe away your tears. It felt like sorry was something he was saying a lot lately. As you tried to calm your crying, he slipped off the edge of the mattress and onto one knee, his hand now reaching into his pockets and pulling out a simple ring, what you would later find to be a silver band with an ‘S’ carved into it.

“Sejanus…”

“It’s not what you think.” He quickly interrupted, holding the ring out to you with slightly shaky hands. The two of you were young, maybe too young for marriage, but that didn’t mean he didn’t already know that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you. “Well, not entirely, but it is a promise. That in 20 years I’ll come back for you, and we can be together. That I’ll spend the next 20 years thinking of you and waiting to come back and be here, and marry you if you’ll still want for me then.”

He sounded ridiculous; you’d want him for forever and then even longer then that.

“Marry me now.” You pleaded, leaning forward and cradling his face between your hands. Fervently, you pressed your lips to his in a quick succession of kisses, Sejanus barely getting the opportunity to lean into the soft touch of your lips with each one. “Marry me now, I’ll come with you, we’ll figure something out.”

Sejanus leaned back, just out of reach of your kisses so he could speak to you clearly, the ring still clasped tightly in the palm of his hand. If this was your way of saying yes, it was surely a strange one. “Peacekeepers can’t get married in their service, you know that.” His hand came up to cover one of your own against his cheek, his thumb running across your knuckles soothingly. “It’s not that I wouldn’t marry you tomorrow if I could, but I can’t.“

“Your service doesn’t start for three more days, Sejanus. For three more days you are solely mine.” You pleaded, begging him to stay, begging him to make it work so that you’d never have to leave his side again. He found himself falling more and more for your words with each one that came out of your mouth. “I’ll come with you, we’ll find a way, we’ll make it work.”

Sejanus’s brown pinched and tears began to form in his own eyes. “Y/n, I could never ask you to do that.”

“You’re not asking me, Sej, I’m telling you. I’d travel the lengths of Panem for you. That Is all I’m doing, keeping my promise.” Sejanus swore he fell more and more in love with you every second the two of you spent together, he didn’t know what he had done to deserve someone like you, and he didn’t think he ever would.

It wasn’t safe though - Trying to sneak you into the districts with him. There was so, so much that could go wrong and he was worried it wasn’t enough to let him entertain the idea any longer. “You can’t, okay? We won’t have money, we won’t have a home, I’ll be in the barracks and I can’t say where you’d go. It won’t be safe, I won’t be able-“ Sejanus paused. As much as he wanted you to come with him and he by his side, he couldn’t let you, not when things were so uncertain. “Would you really relish being married to a poor peacekeeper?”

Sejanus’s words had thrown you off guard, as far as you were concerned nothing mattered except him. It didn’t matter where you were or what you went through as long as he was at your side. Pulling his lips to yours, you placed a long, slow kiss against them, parting and barely moving away, whispering your answer against his lips. “I relish being married to you. I don’t care where you are or by what means. I just want you.”

“An Angel amongst the people of the capital.” He mused, looking into your glossy eyes. One of his hands moved beneath your chin, pressing two fingers under it to guide you into another kiss. “Who would’ve thought I’d have found you?”

The two of you didn’t dare waste anymore time, pulling on your Sunday best and running from Sejanus’s bedroom to the Plinths living room hand in hand, asking Ma if she would be willing to come and bear witness to your union. In the car ride over to the courthouse, Sejanus had apologised, taking your hand in his and bringing it tenderly to his lips, pressing the sweetest of kisses against your ring finger.

“I know it’s not much. And it’ll never be enough.” He’d whispered, eyes unmoving from your face even though Ma was excitedly ranting about how she had known that this day would come since Sejanus came home talking about you after his first day at the academy all those years ago. “But I cannot wait to marry you.”

He didn’t have to wait long. Within the hour, the two of you were stood before a minister, hand in loving hand and swapping promises, sealing them with a final ‘I do,’ and one long kiss.

Neither of you had stopped smiling since. Even hours and hours later, way into the darkness of the night when the two of you were laying together silently in bed, you couldn’t stop smiling. One of Sejanus’s arms was bent back and resting under his head, the other curled around your waist and keeping you pressed against him. Both your hands cradled his face, allowing you to pull him into kisses when you weren’t busy admiring every freckle and wrinkle that adorned his face. You wondered what he’d look like when he was older.

“I’m going to miss your curls.” It was no secret that the peacekeepers were meant to be uniform in every way possible and that meant shaved heads amongst other things. You’d miss the simplicity of it; threading your fingers through the dark curls as you lay together or as you kissed him. So you did both one last time for good measure, knowing that tomorrow they’d be gone.

“It’s hair.” Sejanus cooed, pressing a kiss to your temple, his curls brushing against your skin as he moved. “We have the rest of our lives for it to grow back.”

For the remaining two days that you had left together, you didn’t spend more then a single second apart. Every time you tried to suggest you find a way to come with him, Sejanus shut it down, and you’d been forced to somewhat come to terms with it. Sejanus would be fine and you would be too, though you’d rather spend the next 20 years by his side, at least you knew that after his service was over, you’d be able to spend the rest of your life together. 20 years apart started an hour earlier then you would’ve liked, Sejanus wanting your final goodbye to be in a happy place, one where he’d seen your face so many times. He didn’t want your last goodbye to be in that train station.

“You worry too much, Sej.” Your arms looped around his shoulders, scratching at what little hair remained at the nape of his neck now. What you knew he needed to hear wasn’t what you felt, but you’d make it work just to be here with him. “It’s going to be fine, we’re going to be fine.”

“Okay, okay.” He took one last look at you, hands quickly moving to cradle your face and pull you in for a long, passion filled kiss. “I love you, be safe for me.”

“You look good in blue.” Soothing down the material of his peacekeeper coveralls, you lay your palms flat against his chest as you stole one final kiss. “I love you, be safe for me.”

Sejanus gave you one last smile, cradling your face in his large hand and looking you over, making sure he’d remember every single smile line and wrinkle, then ran for the car that was taking him to the station. He held your gaze until he’d driven so far out of sight he was just a blue speck behind a window.

~*~

20 years, and 20 million tears, to the day have passed since the Sejanus left you. Sure, you’d exchanged letters through out his service and from what he’d told you he was making real change in the districts; he’d moved about over the years but he’d always found time to write to you and promise his return home one day. A part of you was always worried he’d grow too fond on the districts and not want to return home, but a bigger part of you knew that wasn’t true: Sejanus would go anywhere if he believed that you were there too.

When the hour comes you’re already at the train station, surrounded by a few other families who are waiting for their fathers, sons, brothers and husbands to return home. It wasn’t often men from the capital would do the service, but the small crowd on the platform made you feel less alone as you waited for your Sejanus to make his final journey home.

As he paces the length of the train carriage, Sejanus wishes he was back in the barracks - not because he wants to be there instead, but because he’s sick to his stomach thinking this isn’t about to go how he hopes it will. For 20 years he’s dreamt of this moment, and anything could happen, he realises as the train begins to pull into the station. He’s older now, he knows that, and he isn’t the same person he was when he left. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but would you even still love him now, after 20 years apart?What if something had happened to you since you last wrote? What if it hadn’t been you the whole time, but someone pretending to be you? What if you’d lost your love for him over the years and were only writing because you pitied him? What if you’d-

“Sejanus!”

Somehow you’d spotted him through the crowd, running right through it and throwing yourself straight into his arms and slotting your lips against his in an instant. Like an Angel, you’d appeared before him, a glowing smile and the touch he’d craved so much, his once more. God, what had ever possessed him to leave you behind for 20 years?

Every time he tried to pull away from the soft kiss of your lips against his you chased after him, capturing him in a kiss again, and again, and again. It had been the longest 20 years of your life, and now that he was back in your arms, you were never going to let him go again.

“Hey, hey, let me get a look at you.” Sejanus finally managed to get you to stop kissing him, not that he necessarily wanted you to stop, but he wanted more to get a good look over you and make sure you were okay. And you were - in fact, you’d never been better now that Sejanus was back by your side.“You’re okay.”

“I’m okay.” You confirmed, the smile on your face red from kisses galore and your cheeks burning hot to the touch. “Now let me get a look at you, Mr Peacekeeper. See what damage the barracks have done to my sweet Sejanus Plinth.” He looked older and even thought it was all you’d thought about it actually hit that you’d not seen him in 20 years, of course he looked older. But God, even with hair that was beginning to grey a little and more wrinkles on his face then he’d had when he left, he still looked exactly like you remembered him; like your Sejanus Plinth. The bags under his eyes were deeper than any you’d ever seen, and he had a scrape along his jaw where the strap of his helmet had began to rub against his skin. When you reached up to run your finger along it, he pulled your palm flat against his cheek, closing his eyes and leaning into your touch. It didn’t take a genius to realise that for the first time since leaving here, Sejanus felt at peace. “Lets get you home, shall we?”

“Home.” Sejanus mused, getting a feeling for how the word tasted in his mouth. When was the last time he had called somewhere ‘home’? He looped a finger into your waistband, pulling you flush against him. His other hand caressed your cheek, bringing your lips to his in a slow and sensual kiss. Though 20 years had passed, he felt as though nothing had changed at all, and with some change made and an ease in his soul, Sejanus was ready to live out the rest of his life at your side. “Yeah, let’s go home.”

 an: that is the end of my Sejanus mini series!! Thank you for reading <33 more Sejanus fics to come but definitely more domestic fluffy kind of ones 🙏🏼 love you guys!! Let me know what you think of this <3

tag list: @celestialstar111

[runningfrom2am]

requiem // part three

summary: according to coriolanus snow, his best friend had the most beautiful voice in all of panem. she had been training her whole life constantly to get where she was; being up for a residency at the most elite opera house in all of panem. singing was her passion. her true love; and when that got stripped from her in a second, his world became a whole lot quieter. he loathed every minute of it.

pairing: coriolanus snow x fem!reader

wc: 2.5k

masterlists / nav / requests

tags/warnings: opera singer!mentor!reader (blink and you'll miss it), she's kind of a prodigy!! p cool imo, mute!reader, bestfriend!coryo, friends to lovers trope ooo, mentions of graphic violence early on (particularly the prologue) but after that it's pretty safe, depictions of ptsd/trauma, mental illness and minor suicidal ideation but at least she's not entirely alone, descriptions of minor medical treatments and use of medication.

a/n: guys me and bestie got tickets to sabrina's tour and we are SO excited- we're making our outfits and we're putting in the WORK on rhinestoning those i'll keep yall updated

my asks are also open to talk about this series! (i do have emoji anons open now too!)

send me any and all of your thoughts! here!

series masterlist // playlist // pinterest board

By the morning, you were in a much better mood. You woke up early, earlier than usual, and you'd be lying if you said you weren't excited to finally go home. You spent the night crying over the fact that you would very likely be stuck like this, but all you had left this morning was acceptance. It would be nice to finally sleep in your own bed again.

You had cleaned up all the dead flowers, and packed all your notes into a folder by the time the sun made its way into the sky, and your parents arrived shortly after that to pick you up.

They tried to be nice, they really, truly did, but they were disappointed in you. You could see it and feel it in the tense silence that always surrounded the three of you during their "visits". It was awkward, and there was nothing you could do to fill the quiet room.

"Are you ready to go?" Your mother asks, helping gather your bags packed full of clothes and books that remained untouched. You nod, smiling hopefully at her. You follow her out to the hall and down the stairs.

"There's really nothing you can do? You can't operate again?" You hear your father's voice before you see him, and you really wish you hadn't.

"No, I'm sorry, sir. her vocal chords have been reconstructed to the best of our ability, operating again would do more harm than good. It would retraumatize the area and could result in more complications, it would be a miracle if that would even help her voice." The doctor replies. "Her voice may come back naturally, but only time will tell."

You hear your dad sigh as you round the corner, and he smiles at you sadly. "Let's get you home, okay?" He says, placing a hand on your shoulder and taking your bag from you, leading you out to the car.

You walk into your mother's library later that afternoon, a notebook in your hands. You knock gently on the door frame to notify her of your presence. "Yes, dear?" She asks, not looking up from her book. You huff, knocking on the door again and waving to grab her attention.

She looks up this time, realization flashing in her eyes. "Oh, gosh, sorry. I thought you were your father." Lies. "What do you need? You should be resting."

You hold up the notepad in your hands with the prewritten note. 'can you call coryo?'

She takes a moment to read it, brows furrowed. "Coriolanus? You just got home, give him a day off from babysitting you. He probably needs a break."

You frown, quickly flipping the page and writing again.

'he's not babysitting me. we're friends.'

"I understand he's your friend, but sometimes even the best of friends need a break from each other."

You roll your eyes. If you could groan you would. If you could call him yourself, you would.

'I'm 18, if I want to invite my friend over I will. I don't need permission anymore.'

Your mom chuckles, shaking her head as she reads the large print of your note. "Except now, you do. Don't you?"

The best you can do to express your frustration beyond how it shows on your face is to stomp your foot on the ground like a little kid before storming off down the hall. It was all you could do. You would try the same routine with your father.

It didn't work on him either, not that you were surprised. They didn't want company on the day you came home, but that didn't mean they actually wanted to spend time with you apparently.

You holed up in your bedroom, put on your music, and laid in bed staring at the ceiling.

It felt like hours before someone came to free you from your own mind, the silent prayers that you would be able to open your mouth and make a single sound. That didn't mean you had been brave enough to even try yet, though, until there was a knock on the door.

You tried your luck, attempting to call out a quick 'come in!', but nothing came from it besides a scraping pain in the back of your throat. You sigh, rubbing your neck gently in a poor attempt to make the pain go away as you crawl out of bed and go to the door, pulling it open with a scowl on your face.

It settles only slightly when you're met with a member of your family's staff standing there holding out a small, delicate vase containing three roses.

You stare at each other, neither of you able to speak a single word as you take the flowers from her hands. She was a young girl with dark hair, and she had been in your home for a year. You didn't know which District she had come from- it wasn't like she could have given you an answer if you asked. The removal of her tongue ensured that fact.

Occasionally you had wondered what each member of your staff had done to earn their fates, but you liked to theorize. Until now, that is, because the fate you were sentenced to is all but the same, and you had done nothing wrong.

Her eyes widen slightly for just a moment as she looks at the scarred skin across your neck, and then quickly back up to meet your eyes.

Her lips part as if to speak, and you tilt your head slightly at her until she quickly shuts her mouth again. You can see her struggle a bit to swallow as she just gives you a small nod, handing you the card that accompanied the flowers before turning to shuffle back down the hall.

After shutting the door and placing the flowers on your windowsill, you carefully unfold the small envelope and read its contents.

'Something to brighten up your room.

Welcome home.

-Coryo'

Graduation and the accompanying gala were within a week of your return home. You're eternally grateful you spent the time to pick out your dresses months in advance, because if you hadn't, you were sure you wouldn't have gone at all.

Standing behind the stage, your eyes continue to focus over and over again on Coryo in his spot in line. It was much preferred to look out at the audience or on the stage as your other classmates were handed their diplomas and posing for pictures for just a moment before exiting on the other side of the stage.

You had missed the rehearsals while you were in the hospital, so really you were just about to wing it- but still, you didn't want to watch anymore.

You dreaded the silence that would come along with your name being called. Well, silence would be preferable to the exaggerated cheers that were more likely to follow- everyone celebrating your mere act of survival after the school spent weeks scrambling to find someone else to sing the anthem at the beginning of the ceremony.

So looking to your best friend was all you could do to calm the blooming anxiety, cursing the alphabetical organization by last name that kept you apart for the moment.

Then it was your turn that came all too quickly.

You look at him again and he smiles at you, which you return with the fake one you were building for the sake of all the photos about to be taken of you as your heels click across the stage. The cheers that block out the sound while you keep your eyes ahead almost make you want to keel over and vomit right on the black flooring of the stage.

Is it possible for cheers to be full of pity? For an applause to be so... sad?

You'd been on the receiving end of countless rounds of applause before, but none had ever made you so embarrassed.

With flushed cheeks and a performative grin, you shake Dean Highbottom's hand.

"Congratulations." He says, and something behind his eyes for just a moment shows that he is not immune to the infectious pity spreading through the audience. He had never shown much emotion before, and if you weren't so close to him right now, you definitely wouldn't have picked it up at all. "We're happy you're here."

All you can do is nod, swallowing and attempting at a grateful smile as you take your diploma from him in the small red, leather folder.

Holding it up and turning to face the audience, you tilt your head with your signature smile for a beat to give your family (or any reporters interested in your recovery and story) time to take their photos before holding the folder to your chest and taking a small bow.

You allow yourself to pretend that you're okay for just that moment. That this was the end of one of your performances, and for just that one moment with your head down, you could block out the pity that came along with the standing ovation you were now receiving.

You were used to it.

But this isn't at all what you expected your final bow to be. And it hurt.

"Congratulations, Miss." Coryo's voice behind you in the crowd makes you smile, and you turn around to face him.

You roll your eyes with a fond smile on your face, doing the best you can to return the sentiment by poking him in the chest over his red gown a couple of times before pulling him into a hug.

He returns it and you feel his chest move as he laughs, gently rubbing your back before reluctantly pulling away. "Hey, where are your parents?" He asks, looking around the crowded front steps of the academy crowded with other students and their families waiting for rides to the gala.

You thought it was a poor choice in words, calling the graduation after party and dance a "gala" when in fact it wasn't one at all. Where you performed was a gala. Or, where you were supposed to be performing. In your mind it was anyway. Maybe you had it backwards.

You stare at Coryo, waiting for him to look back at you again before you're able to try and explain.

"They left." You mouth out, once his attention was back on you. "Work."

"They left?" Coryo asks, brow furrowing slightly as you nod in confirmation. "They're not coming for the dinner?"

You shake your head. "Busy."

"Well, you're stuck with me then." He smiles, nodding for you to follow after him.

When you walk up to his cousin, Tigris, the only person who was able to come for his sake, you realize you may just make up the saddest and loneliest table at the whole event. All your classmates had at least their parents, but most also had extended family members and friends as well. Crowded tables, loud chatting, lots to say and lots to celebrate. You had... less of that. Less talking, in particular.

And once again, you were right.

You tried to enjoy your dinner while many people went out of their way to come and pat you on the back and congratulate you on your graduation- and it just felt patronizing.

Coryo watched it all go down from the seat across from you at the table, staring at classmates and parents as they stopped to talk to you, knowing damn well you wouldn't respond. He hated every minute of it.

The frustration burned behind your eyes like a freshly struck match every time someone tapped your shoulder over the beautiful graduation dress you had asked for his opinion on months ago, the very same one that matched the rose pinned to the lapel of his jacket.

'Why couldn't they comment on that instead? Say you looked beautiful? Or say nothing at all?' He thought.

You couldn't even do a thing about it besides giving people awkward tight-lipped smiles and fake appreciative nods.

"Have you seen the state of her?" Livia says to her friends as you're walking by, and instinctively you drop your head. "I mean, it looks so bad, I'm surprised she would ever show her face in public again."

Coryo's arm that's linked with yours tightens its grip, and he has to be the one to look over.

"Wait, Coriolanus, you were there, were you not?" Persephone grabs his attention when she notices the two of you walking by.

The two of you freeze, sharing a look. Both roughly translating to "Are they fucking serious?"

He clears his throat. "Excuse me? Do you have absolutely no manners at all, I really do not think that-" His gaze flicks between you and the girls from your class as he speaks, preparing to scold them for being so incredulously rude.

Their eyes all go wide simultaneously. "No! Oh, goodness, we're not talking about you, Y/N!" Livia defends quickly and takes a small step closer, looking genuinely mortified by the confusion. "Clemensia. We're talking about Clemmie."

"Oh." Coryo says at the very same time your lips form the same word you couldn't speak.

Sure, they were talking about your classmate this time, but you were not foolish enough to guess they hadn't had a similar conversation about you when you weren't present. Unless they had more pity for your situation, which may very well be worse.

"We were wondering if you knew what happened, you were the last one with her before she got this... 'illness' that has apparently turned her half snake."

Your eyes go wide at Persephone's explanation, and you look frantically between them and Coryo. He had never told you anything about this, and he knew it was his job to keep you updated on all the petty and worthless gossip going on at your school while you were away.

You smack his arm a few times, eyes pleading for him to please explain what they were talking about, as the girls watched you with amused and slightly sympathetic smiles.

"Oh, well..." He hesitates noticeably, shaking his head dismissively. "I didn't... as far as I know she just fell ill."

He was lying and you knew it. You could feel his muscles tense around your arm.

"Oh, really? So, you and Clemmie go to the Citadel to speak with Dr. Gaul, and she is never seen again without scales and you just claim... nothing weird happened?" Livia asks, clearly not buying it either.

He gives a resigned sigh, looking around briefly. "I am not meant to discuss it." He explains quietly. "But... I honestly do not know. She brought us both into a room separately to discuss the contents of the proposal. I went first, and they instructed me to not wait for her. If something happened, I was not made a witness."

The girls seem a little disappointed with this answer, but only for a moment. It was believable enough to them.

"I mean, it's human experimentation- obviously." Livia says with a shrug, bringing her glass up to her lips. "I really don't put it past the doctor, she is deranged at the best of times."

"Ooh, yes, maybe she wanted to see if she could give a human a pit organ- maybe Clemmie can see heat now. Or smell with her tongue." Persephone giggles in a whisper, leaning in so only the three of you were privy to her joke.

You tilt your head, and immediately your mind is running a mile a minute. If Dr. Gaul could alter someone's DNA enough to turn them partially into an animal, she could easily reconstruct your vocal cords... Right?

no taglist this time around!! my fics usually get over a hundred requests to be added to the taglist so instead i made a library! follow me over on @runningfrom2am-library and turn on notifs to get updates when i post new parts!!

[granny-griffin]

Griffin dear I *must* know why you’re tagging Bakugou posts as “Halloween” —Poet

When I was really young we lived in Ireland, and one Halloween our house got egged because we weren’t there to hand out candy. That sparked my Dad to research/think about Halloween and its origin, and he came to the conclusion that there was a lot about it that he couldn’t celebrate in good conscience as a Christian.

I really respect my Dad and his convictions, but as I grew up I realized that I have a different approach. I think most cultural forms and practices are neutral in themselves, and that any of them can be worship of Christ if they’re approached with that attitude. And I decided that Halloween was part of my culture, and I wanted to celebrate it. So I set about trying to figure out how I wanted to do that.

This post really solved the problem for me. I think everybody should just read it, but if you don’t want to, TLDR: it’s an analysis of the Oh Hellos album Dear Wormwood, specifically the song Danse Macabre. The original version of the song refers to a legend where skeletons come alive and dance just on Halloween night. But in the Oh Hellos version, the skeletons come to life permanently—they’re fully resurrected. 

And so in that I was able to solve how spooky/scary decorations and aesthetics could still be used in my worship—I didn’t have to celebrate fear and death, I could instead celebrate their defeat. But I didn’t just want to copy Easter, the other resurrection holiday, so it couldn’t be about the resurrection of Jesus specifically. It would have to be about my own future resurrection at his second coming. And there was something fitting to me about that given its seasonal placement—even when all the plants around me were succumbing and dying off, I could remind myself that it wouldn’t be permanent, that we would both come back in the end.

All of this kind of came to a head in my mind during the summer of last year. And so come last October, like a good tumblr citizen, I was ready to celebrate Halloween all month. I was purposefully setting my mind on the victory over death that was mine in Christ.

Anyway then Bakugou came back from the dead. 

One of my friends has told me that she likes to encounter hard things in fiction as a sort of inoculation—because she has such intense emotions, she wants to experience things like grief first in a safe environment, so that she can learn how to process them before they come on her in all the strength of reality. 

I feel that I have almost the opposite problem. I think I don’t always feel things the way that I probably should. If my friends are crying, I don’t usually feel sad. But when I read stories I feel things, and sometimes I can attach those feelings to similar things in real life, and then I know what they’re supposed to feel like. It gives me something to work with.

The situation with Bakugou was really particular—from a Watsonian level it had looked bad for him. But on a Doylist level it didn’t make any sense for him to stay dead, or so I thought. For a whole year since he’d died in the manga, I’d been sitting there expecting him to come back, because I thought I knew what kind of story Horikoshi-sensei was telling. And when that wish came true I was euphoric. I was giddy with it. 

And I kept thinking to myself—this is what it feels like when hope of resurrection is fulfilled—this is what I’m going to feel when I wake up again as a new creation, and I don’t have to wait and hope anymore. Except this is only the inoculation. What promise did I have from Horikoshi-sensei? I didn’t know him! He could have done whatever he wanted. But from Christ I have a sure promise—he’s told us what kind of story he wants to tell. 

The chapter 403 leaks came out late on October 11th, 2023. The October 7th 2023 terrorist attack had just occurred, and later that week, the war in Gaza would begin. Everyone around me was confused and scared, and it couldn’t touch me. I didn’t believe that fear and death could win in the end.

Anyway Poet, to answer your question, this year I queued a bunch of Bakugou posts for the 11th so I could remember the most Halloween thing ever to happen to me.

[nadvs]

im rewatching obx and i forgot how fucking tragic Rafe’s character actually is like its breaking my heart😭😭😭

100% 😭 once you realize rafe carries around a lot of pain and secretly hates himself… ouch… under the cut because this became an ESSAY exploring rafe’s trauma

ok i always think about how we haven’t learned what happened to his mom. rafe is the eldest sibling and the loss probably hit him worst of all because being older, he’d remember more. and why do i think he was a mama’s boy? his heart shattered when he lost her and never came back together. hate that my mind goes there but what if he witnessed her passing away and that’s why he’s so broken :(

and his dad is always expressing how disappointed he is in rafe and how much he clearly favors sarah... so detrimental to rafe’s self-worth and mental wellbeing. on top of that, he sees his dad do horrible things, which tells him it’s okay and acceptable. ffs his dad wakes him up in the middle of the night to help him dispose of a body… it’s because of shit like this that rafe is so desensitized to violence.

and when rose tells ward there’s something wrong with rafe and has been since he was ten? ward disregards this and it just shows how rafe’s constantly dealing with consequences of nobody caring about him enough :(

and when rafe tells his dad he’s scared because he has intrusive thoughts and he doesn’t think he can control them. he’s afraid of what might happen. a VERY blatant cry for help. one that could have helped him had it been listened to. but ward tells him to ‘man up’. tells that to his son who could have a severe mental illness. rafe is seen later on telling himself to ‘man up’ when ward turns violent on him, saying ‘i suck. man up’ :( he’s internalised the way ward treats him and it’s turned into a form of self loathing. i think that’s why he is so obsessed with acting like he’s above the pogues. he needs to lie to himself that he’s worth something, even if it’s just because he’s wealthy

rafe has a conscience. he shows remorse for the things he does. he knows deep down they’re wrong and that he’s struggling with thoughts he can’t control. HONESTLY with help, therapy, love, and at least someone in his corner, there is so much hope for rafe being a good, happy person :(

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hey cas, i just need to rant

I'm crying rn and i need to tell someone this

Ok this is a stupid way to start this but my duolingos nit working. Fine not a big deal. I went and told my mom and she didnt even let me show it to her and told me to get my dad to help me bc she doesnt know how. So later when my dad was awake i told him the problem and she was there. My dad was trying to figure it out and she asked if she could see my phone. The thing is whenever she asks to see my phone to fix something i end up seeing something and realising i might know how to fix it so i ask if i can have it back to try the thing and sge always yells at me and rips my phone out of my hand and says i have no right to touch it because its not really my phone. So i asked her what she was going to do on it because i think I've tried everything and i don't think it's going to help especially if shes not the one talking to the support people (my dad was). She got mad and said to stop complaining and give her the phone i calmly explained what i just did hiw when she tries to help it isn't helpful and it always ends in fights because she never allows my input (very calmly like i was literally just explaining my thought process and why i think it would do more bad than good) she interuppted my yelling and said that if when people ask to help me and i just call them mean and whatever then people aren't going to want to happen (side note the difference is everyone else who offers me help i am allowed to say no and choose wether or not to explain why as well) and then said if i dont accept help graciously then i don't deserve anything. (I have bad mental health and she knows that to an extent) so now im crying

And i KNOW if i were to bring this up in the future she would say "i dont remember that. That didnt happen. Youre making that up"

Every time i try to communicate how im feeling and why i feel that some things she does or says may be hurtful and damaging she takes it as a personal attack. I've been trying to get better at communicating my needs and feeling but everytime i do she makes me feel like im doing something wrong.

Sometimes i get so overwhelmed I'll start crying out of nowhere or yell or something and she'll either say im being dramatic or literally laugh in my face.

Thank you and sorry for punctuation and spelling mistakes i probably made a ton

Hi!

I can relate to this SO much, omg. My mom is just like this, and it makes you feel so crazy, right?

Please know you have a right to your feelings and if you communicated the way you say you did, you did nothing wrong! Unfortunately it sounds like your mom has some things to work out about not taking things personally.

As someone who also deals with this, I have to say that sometimes picking your battles is key. While in a healthy relationship, sharing your feelings is super important, with a relationship like this, it could just make things worse. So a lot of times I just ask myself- 'is it worth the potential fallout?' sometimes, if it's something really hurtful, it is. But sometimes, I just let her make stupid decisions. SO like in this case, maybe next time you could give her your phone, let her realize she can't help, and then move on to whatever the next step is. Because she's probably not going to listen to you, you know?

It sucks to have to think like this, especially as the child in the relationship, but it might be reality.

Sending love! Naming you duolingo anon

[dual-fantasy]

duncan is simultaneously the funniest fucking guy and super tragic to me. i think hes The Worst Ever because its a way of acting out against his dad. funniest shit ever and devastating. Everything about duncney as a whole leaves me in hysterics and also clutching my chest crying punching holes into the walls. he is killer phoebe bridgers to me. can the killer in him tame the fire in (various romantic partners he swore were the one then broke up with 2 days later). or is there nothing left to do for them. hes sick of the chase but hes hungry for blood. and theres nothing he can do. hes a dog motif in a really specific street dog way you just have to understand. in a wolf way, even. but in a rabid stranded starving way. he is the only heartbreaker as well btw. he'll be the loser in this game he'll be the bad guy in the play. eric is a duncney song but in a way you would not expect. it is the duncney duncan pov song ever actually. she can come closer he'll let her hurt him how she chooses. this view of her of the top of her head makes him forgive her. her skin cries a soft weep like his. his price how about just a part of her cause he wants. shouldve been me is THE duncney/gwuncan song ever. courtney pov. when she saw the girl looked just like her and it broke her heart the lengths he went to have her to get to have her. cause she hasnt given him what he needs. he wanted her but couldnt reach her. so he went into his memory and relived all the ways he still wants her. shes sorry it shouldve been her. thought ive had in my head for over a year. its literally Them. a loving feeling is the aleduncan 90th breakup song. theyre compatible but only behind closed doors. they mean a lot to me actually jsut like . In General duncan and duncan ships by extension are mitskipilled. mitskimaxxing, even. GRAVE DOG!!!!

frrrr you're so real but if im going to comment on Duncan I need to confess something. Ive never finished watching action. ive gotten to like ep 20 I still have literally never finished it. I know that he has a lot of moments in there but I haven't finished it for some reason. I understand you but also I'm not as insane. feel free to keep screaming about him because I completely trust your opinion . I'll probably finish action soon because you are dragging me into the duncan hellhole. I love characters who are so silly and stupid and also absolutely devastating if you think about it too hard. literally peak characters.

dog motif but in the way that he was abandoned by everyone because they weren't aware he was actually a wolf. he keeps finding new homes but he gets kicked out after a day. he's rabid and scary and he's desperate for a secure home, but he can't admit that because it goes against his nature. everything hes ever known.

I love duncney too btw. Courtney is such an interesting character to me but I cannot put it into words. I love her though. absolutely love her. she's so complicated and nuanced. Courtney is for the intellectuals (joking). same with gwuncan.

also I'm insane about aleduncan. not to be kind of basic but they're everything to me. they can only be with eachother if they're alone. insane about them

I don't have any song recommendations bc school has been fucking my ass recently. moving to an online school while being tech illiterate is actually horrible </3 but your music taste is soooo good. actually top tier. real and genuinely incredible. he's mitskimaxxing, lushpilled, puberty2mogging. grave dog you're so real always

[socialcarcrash]

I completely agree with you about Sweets! His death was such a shame. How do you think he would have changed the dynamics in seasons 10 through 12 if he was still alive with the plots and characters (like Aubrey and Karen)?

AUBREY: im an aubrey-sweets friendship truther at heart, so first thing to acknowledge is the thing with aubreys dad.

We all know sweets has a slight obsession/ interest (depending on the perspective) with his friends childhoods, and that’s understandable. I can see him really helping him out at that time, and providing a perspective that would hopefully relieve the guilt he experiences after turning his dad in. also really random idea that popped into my brain!! aubrey is the most adhd coded guy ive ever seen, so i can see sweets waltzing past his desk and dropping off snacks and drinks to help him focus :)

i just think those two could have got super close. Aubrey clearly felt out of place when he first joined, a feeling that sweets shared and grew from so maybe he would have just provided that extra support for him!

KAREN: i havent got so much on this, cause i dont know her as well as i should, however; i know those ‘is psychology a real science’ debates would have got way more heated!!! its now 2v2, b&b and sweets and karen, i can see them sitting in the diner having the most heated debate ever seen and the rest of the diner is just sat silently like ‘what the fuck 0-0’.

I also think at first, sweets struggled having someone who pushed him and knew a lot about ‘his’ field, which comes with lots of special interests. (i get quite stressed if i meet a person who is into the same fields of physics that i am, especially if i am the person who is known for liking it amongst my group, and i think sweets probably has the same think). But he learns to talk with her and infodump about their theories and cases together! a form of healthy competition forms i think, one that eventually encourages them to work harder.

ZACK: i felt like it was important to mention him,even though i mentioned him in the last one, so ill just expand on this one a bit.

I just want to know what the team would have thought about sweets knowing all along that zack was innocent. What would they have felt? betrayed? understanding? sad? Maybe sweets would never have told them during this time, maybe he kept it a secret until he testified on the stand.

Sometimes i think the death of sweets is what prompted Zack to admit to never having killed anyone, so maybe if he was still alive Zack would still be there and no-one would ever know. That could give way for another new plot line where sweets lets it slip that zack was innocent, but maybe not. who knows :)

(now an extra cause i wanted to do him hes the loml)

HODGINS: this is a big one, cause the poor guy really goes through it (*cough* the doom in the boom *cough*). I love this arc, it gets way to much hate. disabled hodgins for the win!!

I think sweets totally understands his anger, and allows him to feel it (as he should!). But i think he would have put a stop to him taking it out on angela, cause it’s counterproductive to build barriers between those you love when you’re struggling. I can see hodgins (after the usual pestering from sweets for a while) just rocking up at his office looking ready to murder someone (so real) and sweets just lets him talk, and shout and probably cry a bit too.

I just think the adjustment wouldn’t have been easier, but he would have had a way to handle it better and that would mean so much!!!

okay cool im done (for now- i might revisit this idea later with a few other characters) :)

[waterloggedsoliloquy]

i'm thinking about the kayak on the youghiogheny river when i was thirteen. i tried to write a poem about it once but it wasnt a very good one bc it was just me explaining what happened. this isnt that poem.

i can't remember it very much but the things i do remember are very clear. i remember the sunlight coming through the orange plastic of the kayak as it held me down. the water that was black by comparison. you know those herons that fish by creating a spot of shade with their wings? it was kind of like that, the water black in this one spot. no air pockets. just enough light to see bubbles by, like white outlines. but i dont know how much of that is stuff i imagined afterward. bc in the afterward was the river pebbles on the shore so close to my face as i was dragged upwards by the back of my lifejacket. i almost died with a lifejacket on, isnt that stupid? i remember hurling river water. and my dads friend who pulled me out sat there with me while i hurled and i was crying, but i suddenly stopped crying, like full-stop, like turning off a faucet. i remember that bc he called it weird. and i wiped my mouth and smiled at him and said i was fine now. i had to get back in the boat anyways to complete the kayaking trip.

when you drown its really really quiet. thats why youre supposed to watch your kids and your friends when you go swimming because most of the time a drowning person can't yell. you just go down and you're held down and by the time you realize what's happened to you, you're fighting a current heavier than anything. and it really is the heaviest thing you'll ever feel. when i was itty bitty i was playing in ohiopyle and a rapid was stronger than i was and it held me under. my eyes were open then too, it was a sunny day and the water was clear and i could see the sun sparkling through the wave that was cresting over my face. i didnt yell, or flail, i dont even remember panicking. then the shape of my dad came over and he blocked out the sun. and then pulled me up. he yelled at me, said that if i was in trouble like that i should cry for help, why didnt i do that? but it hadnt occurred to me, probably because it hadnt exactly hurt. logically i knew it was dangerous to be trapped under water, but without pain i couldnt have known how close i'd been. i don't think i could have yelled even if i thought to, though.

second time id almost drowned was in my cousins pool, elementary school. my abuelita had jumped in, fully clothed, to pull me out. that one had hurt. even the river years later hadn't hurt very much. my lungs felt like they were on fire and my throat stung from chlorine.

its weird to talk about these because it creates in me the same dread and apprehension that wells up every time i try to disclose abuse, even though nobody did anything to me, it wasnt anyone's fault. i was just a kid who hung out in rapids a lot and the grownups in my life thought i'd be alright on my own. but i still stall out on instinct, the part of my mind that keeps me from putting my hand on a hot stove. maybe my brain files away the drownings in the same folders as the abuse. these are the scary things, its probably labelled, these are the memories of when you were a child discovering what it meant to hurt and to die.

[diary-of-my-devil]

Sometime In October 2015

I don’t recall this date, but I know it was early in the relationship. He had to use his mom’s phone to communicate with me for the first couple months of our relationship. I later found out it was because he went through phones often. In a fit of rage he would throw them and break them beyond repair. Even when he had a phone, it always had a crack or two.

It was our first long phone call, I believe. One that lasted for a few hours. I remember telling him multiple times that I was trying to maintain a proper sleep schedule. Insomnia had been a large part of my life for as long as I could remember, and despite knowing I’d probably be up much longer than intended, I still tried to be in bed with the lights out at a decent time. It was a school night.

He had told me not to worry about it. That I would get over having to stay up late to accommodate when he wanted to talk. I brushed it off because it wasn’t his phone, after all, and he didn’t have it as much as I had my phone. 

We discussed many things, but this one particular conversation was, in retrospect, the one that showed me a lot of bright red flags that were desperately trying to make themselves known. Firstly was the fact that I wasn’t able to go to bed when I wanted, because he wanted me to be on the phone.

Second, my hair. God, throughout our entire relationship he was obsessive about my hair. I had made it known to him that as soon as my aunt was married and the wedding was over, I was getting my hair cut. Waist length hair didn’t match what I felt like on the inside. He wasn’t happy with that.

“It’s so beautiful.” He had said despite the fact he had never seen it in its full glory. The only time we had ever seen each other involved the vast majority of my hair being hidden for a reason. He had only seen my overgrown bangs and the auburn shade my hair had turned after taking Color Oops to black box dye. 

I was a doormat, yes, but I stayed stern in cutting my hair. It was negatively affecting me. I needed it cut. Countless times I had stood in front of my bathroom mirror crying on the verge of taking a shitty pair of scissors to my hair. I was going to do this. I was going to cut my hair. And then I would dye it, because I’m in high school now and my dad finally agreed to it. 

Third, drugs. Weed, specifically. Nowadays, I have absolutely no problem with weed. I take half of a gummy about once a week to help ease the tension that makes my various aches and pains worse and I had smoked a bit since I had started college.

Younger me was not as receptive, though. All drugs are bad, thanks to what my law enforcement dad and my years in public school had taught me. He was odd about approaching this subject. His first time trying to skirt around a subject by not saying his plan, instead implying it to me.

“Your dad is going to have to get over the weed thing.” He had said to me. I asked why, genuinely confused. His answer was because he liked it, and since he liked it, I would have to like it too. This was the first time I felt something akin to peer pressure like this. Yes, we had only been dating for a short time, but he was my boyfriend. He knew more than I did. 

I managed to skirt around the conversation as well. I changed the subject but after the call was over and it was past the bedtime I had set for myself, I thought about it. I didn’t do drugs, never had and didn’t have the intention to. Jesus christ by that point my dad had been threatening me with drug tests for the past couple years.

I didn’t tell my friends. For your information, that will be a common theme. Secrecy on my end. I didn’t tell my friends a lot of things. It was not a conscious decision, but of course hindsight is 20/20 and I think I knew that these conversations and behaviors were wrong and I felt the need to protect him. 

This was the true start of me learning that I was not the one in control here.

[christianbalelover]

I'm back :)

(sorry if this is worded weirdly and doesnt make lots of sense, i'm kind of dizzy and nervous ) heyyy guys, so i literally left for like months and i dont know if anyone really noticed or something but i just wanna come here and give an update on my situation.

The reason i wasn't for all this time is cause i got kidnapped, it lasted for about a month and it was both me and my mom, i know this sounds fake and all but it like actually happen and even to this day i can't believe it happen.

The reason this even happen was cause i lived in a very very dangerous area and i even got warned to move out months prior but my parents decided to stay cause we had a really good house for a low price (i know it sounds like a lame excuse to stay, i thought so too but my mom insisted cause she said it was her dream home). It was thankfully only for ransom and even now i don't know how much said ransom was cause my dad never told me, i guess he didn't want me to worry but all that i know is that it was a lot.

It went better then i expected cause the kidnappers were surprisingly nice and gentle but that still doesn't excuse what they did but i'm happy i at least got lucky in that aspect, they fed us and gave us water but it was still a pretty small amount so we were really dehydrated and didn't feel well most of the time.

The day we got released was probably the best day of my life, i still feel like crying whenever i remember how it felt hugging my dad again after i thought i'd never see him again, or how everyone looked so happy to have us (me and my mom) back. I'm obviously not saying every single thing that happen as it was a very traumatic experience but also cause i don't want people i know to recognize me but what i'm saying is basically the summary of what happen, it was really rough and scary and there were so many times i though that this was the end for me but at the end i made it and i'm feeling better then ever, i haven't gotten therapy yet (still waiting for it, mom said she'll put me in therapy soon) so i still struggle with ptsd but over time its honestly gotten better and its way better then when i first got released cuz during that period it was so bad that every time i heard a slightly loud noise i panicked and thought i wanna get kidnapped again, yeah it was really rough but i always felt to scared to tell anyone cuz it felt embarrassing to tell people that, like i felt like they'd think i was weak yk?.

Its been a good amount of time since that happen now but i never came back to my account cause i wanted a break, but i finally felt ready to come out about it now. I honestly never thought i was important enough to even be a victim of something like this tbh so it was such a surprise for me, also something thats really crazy but like literally MINUTES before i got kidnapped i actually came here and i made a whole post saying i was scared cuz my parents werent safe (my grandma told me they were in trouble but i didn't get that she meant that my mom got taken and my stepdad was in trouble) but i never posted it cause my grandma interrupted me so i just saved it to drafts and like 5 minutes later while i was just sitting in my room waiting to get picked up, we heard someone coming up the stairs and then i got taken, i'm not gonna post it cause when i made that draft there was too much information on me and my family and where live and just allot of private stuff i can't post here but maybe I'll take a screenshot and like blur out something so you can see a little bit of it cause its just that crazy but just let me know if you want me to post it and don't be afraid to ask cause i really don't mind doing that and blurring the important stuff out.

Its crazy cuz if i had posted that, you guys wouldve probably known about my situation like days after it happen. This was super long and probably didn't make lots of sense lol sorry i'm just really nervous and don't really know what to say also i'm sorry if i said crazy to many times i js realized i like overused it.

I just wanna clarify that i'm doing better now and i also don't know if i'm gonna immediately gonna start posting again but i want abandon my account cuz i love this account so much so im gonna still stick with it. I love you guys so much and stay safe <333

[cutekittenlady]

Tumblr Plays Pokemon White 2 - Part 6

~~~~ Three hours of running, screaming, ball throwing, and A LOT of crying later ~~~~

How am I STILL NOT DONE?!

I have been at this for HOURS!

ugh

UGH

Screw it. I've done enough for the Professor to at least think I'm trying.

Hopefully Hugh will buy that I was just "tearfully saying goodbye to mom" or something like that.

Nearly out of pokeballs too. I am going to take the longest nap on that boart right to Castelia. I am not even kidding.

Aww Roxie saw her dads shitty movie and thought it was 'good'. Sure thing Roxie. Sure.

Still its sweet she supports him. Keep working at it Pop Roxie. You'll get there someday!

Oh Hugh have you, uh, been waiting here this whole time? Sorry my, uh, business took... three hours... My mom uh wouldnt stop crying about her baby girl leaving and it was all touching and...

Aaaaand your not buying any of this?

Okay look man, I gotta level with you. The last three hours have been a hell of pokemon catching. It had to be done! I completely blanked on it before and this whole "fill the pokedex" thing is kinda my excuse to leave home. I really don't think my mom would accept "help my best friend exact his revenge on the remnants of a terrorist organization" as a proper reason for traveling. I jumped at the chance they gave me! It's not my fault it came with strings attached!

Hey.

I know how to cheer you up.

You want a Pidove? I caught a pidove. No tradsies. Just free gift pokemon. Yeah you want a pidove.

Sooo we cool?

Thats the spirit buddy!

Pop Roxie! Hoist the anchor, raise the sail, swab the poop deck! Cause we're leaving on a quest!

I knew I liked the cut of your jib Pop Roxie!

Alrighty Hugh lets get going! NOthings gonna stop us now!

BLEEEEEEEHHHHH

Sorry about your shoes POP Roxie. I swear I didn't know I got seasick.

Yeah might be kinda hard finding a handful of weirdos in funky hats in a city this big. Do you have a plan?

.... Thats not a plan Hugh. Look for now lets just... split up yeah? I'm tired. I'll go find us a hotel or a bench in the pokemon center to sleep on or something. Give me your Xtranceiver number, I'll call you when I find something. Call me if something happens yeah?

Yeah well chances are we're gonna be splitting up a lot more after this. I still gotta catch enough pokemon to make mom and the professor think this is just a nice PG adventure. Besides, after Cheren and Roxie I think I have a taste for this whole pokemon battling thing.

With that Hugh gives a passing comment about the weird looking ship on the dock next to us and take off. Welp I'm in the big city by myself for the very first time.

And I'm exhausted. Gotta see if I can find a place to rest. So I stride into the city.

And a random clown gives me a bicycle. And ask me to do a relay. At midnight.

I've been in this city a handful of minutes and already this palce is nuts. I mean I'm pretty sure I'm allowed to ride a bike again. Pretty sure that ten year ban for running over that lillipup is up.

Whatever. Questions for later.

Couldn't find a hotel anywhere. I'll send Hugh a message and sleep at the Pokemon Center tonight.

~~~ Hugh didn't come to the Pokemon Center tonight.

That not... concerning. I'm not concerned.

Wandered around the city doing some sight seeing. Not looking for hugh. Just sightseeing. Got the last casteliacone, visited a gallery, had a stranger come out from behind a dumpster and give me the tm for flash.

Interesting city.

Still since I can't seem to find Hugh guess I better go to the gym. Think I saw in a brochure that Castelia Cities gym is a bug type gym. If thats true Molly will probably wind up torching the place heh.

Welp guess I might as well head over. Before I leave the pokemon Center though I sell a few of the items I found around Virbank that I dont need, mostly X attack and stuff, and buy more great balls. My attempts at filling out the dex as much as I could before used up a lot of the balls I had.

I'm gonna need to fight some trainers for money soon or something. That acting stint I did was fun but did NOT pay anything. I've still got supplies, but I don't think I'm going to be doing a lot of filling out the dex until I can get more money for more balls and stuff. I mean I still have like 5 great balls, that ultra ball that neighbor in Aspertia gave, plus the heal ball and net ball I bought but thats about it.

Plus I'm down to, like $4.26. Thats not enough for lunch much less, like, 20 pokeballs.

Definitely hitting the gym. Roxie forked over quite a lot from beating her, so this Burgh guy I heard about will probably do the same. Bare minimum I'll be able to get some more Lemonades.

Aight Molly lets go get that money!

With my money?! I mean I havent beaten him yet, sure, but its basically an inevitability here! Where did he go?!

Then this purple haired girl walks up. Apparently she and Clyde know each other? Apparently she's looking for Burgh too. Evidently this Burgh guy is the flighty sort who wanders out of his gym, like, all the time.

Yeesh, Cheren might've been a newbie and Roxie mightve been rocking out too hard to hear me, but at least they were AT their gyms. I though gym leaders had to be at their gyms at all times. Yknow like a 9-5 type deal. Is it NOT a 9-5 type deal?

Wait.... do you guys not get paid?!

Oh sure NOW you notice me.

I... How did you.... how could you.... How did you KNOW about that?!

Yeah well tell that to the weirdos back in Virbank.

..... By giving me money?

Oh oh no you meant hunting down Team Plasma. Hnngh well... If the gym leaders not here anyway... and considering that might be where Hugh went (who I haven't seen since last night)... Sure why not.

Iris mutters something about thinking where they might've gone and then just takes off too fast for me to follow! Thankfully Burgh knows this town beter than me. He said she went around the corner towards the Pokemon Center. Guess thats as good a place to start as any.

Now might also be a good time to break out that bike that clown gave me last night. Not that I'm in a hurry or nothing.

Thankfully the saying about never forgetting how to ride a bike turns out to be true and I easily catch up to Iris. She tells me we're heading for Thumb Pier. She suspects theyre probably hanging around there.

Why she suspects that I dunno. In fact I'm not even certain who this girl is. Oh well, its the only lead I've found so peddling feet dont fail me now.

As it turns out Thumb Pier is 'suspicious' because its where you enter... the sewers. She wants us... to go into... the sewers.

I mean... I guess if a terrorist organization was gonna hide out in a big place like Castelia after a failed coup the sewers isn't the weirdest place to hide out but...

GAH Hugh! Don't sneak up on me like that! More importantly where the hell have you been?! And gods no I haven't found any members of team plasma yet. Though I think Iris here might have a lead...

Wait.

Is THAT where've you been all night?!

NO NO NO

Dodging questions is for strange old men who jump off cliffs and run shady movie lots. NOT from supposed BFFs hunting terrorists together!

ARE YOU IGNORING ME?!

That's what I'm trying to do! Look man you can't just disappear all night and then suddenly- Hugh! Hugh you get your edgy anime hair ass back here!

Sonnova

NOT NOW IRIS!

[stuffnonsenseandotherthings]

Cupid's Last Wish Episode 1 - A Collection of Random Thoughts.

Earth and Mix may be headlining this drama but don't be fooled, the real stars of the show are the cows 🐮

Who knew that picking cow names could make for the cutest opening scene ever? Korn and Win just lounging together, teasing each other and feeding each other as they work through a list of names like they're about to name their own child? FRICKIN ADORABLE.

Live calf birth was a bit of a surprise but part of me suspects Mix was in his element and is probably the reason it looks so realistic.

I also want a Katin plush doll please and thank you 🙏 (also I might not be an expert but I do embroider and, judging by the stitch Korn was using, Win was sitting giggling and watching him stitch for at least half an hour. Plan ahead next time Korn)

Not going to lie I'm a bit confused about when Win's dad died. I thought it had been a while but they're also just having his funeral so it's actually quite recent?

Damn Win went from "He's family and more useful to the farm than you" to "gtfo of my house you snake" real quick 😳

Love a good throwing clothes off the balcony at your cheating lover scene, even if the person having their clothes thrown at them is not a lover or a cheater. 10/10 on the drama queen scale.

1 year later and we still hate Korn (and everyone else?) for reasons I don't really get but sure.

NGL Win the on site bakery is a great idea and would probably help the farm's finances quite a bit. I don't know many people who'd travel to just go and see a working dairy farm for fun but if you offered them fancy cakes at the end of it....

I giggled the entire way through the cake baking scene, I couldn't take a single thing seriously I'm so sorry Korn 😂

Not a huge fan of Win constantly blowing up at Lin and his mum. I get he's stressed and angry but just no. It's just not a good vibe and watching him tower over them and drag them around as they cry...

Win may be in Lin's body now but he will remain consistent even if it kills him: Korn Must Die.

One accidental hug and Win is no longer out for blood (can't blame him we've all seen Earth's body arms). Also I think Korn knows, right? One touch and that man knows he's got an armful of dairy-fueled anger problems.

I'm a bit (a lot) confused about the inheritance issues and why Win is so apoplectically angry about everything (to the point of being genuinely awful to everyone around him) but over all a solid first episode. There's definitely a lot of chemistry between Win and Korn when Win isn't out for blood which shouldn't really be a surprise given its Mix and Earth. Really looking forward to seeing the story unfold next episode (and also maybe get some explanations) so Cupid's Last Wish continues to be a watch.

Watch It Or Drop It Challenge Masterpost

[spicydirtymatcha]

dreaming big (league) || chapter eleven

word count:  4323 summary: merry chrimis and happy new year! the holidays are usually a time for joy and happiness but carrie's not feeling the greatest. warnings: slight body image issues, breastfeeding (#momthings) author’s note: this chapter was a draaaggg to write fr. i feel like the pacing is off and a lot of it is word vomit i think (esp the end). but ig it kind of shows/describes how carrie's been feeling for the first month and a half as a new mom which is all over the place. also how do we feel about me making little theme collages for a chapter (if it warrants it)? feel free to like/reblog! 🖤 prev | next

Carrie woke for the second time that night. Penelope’s crying had pulled her from her sleep. She turned on her lamp and slowly padded over to the crib where Penelope was wailing her little head off. Carrie picked her up and sniffed her backside first. Nothing.

“Is my baby girl hungry, hm?” She asked the little one. 

The moment Carrie picked her up the baby immediately began to calm down. She took one arm out from her shirt and sat down in the rocking chair, positioning her baby so she could feed on her. She watched Penelope with loving eyes as she sucked on her breast.

It had been two weeks since she gave birth and Carrie was exhausted. Exhausted but loving every moment of it. Penelope already looked bigger compared to when she was born, arms and legs looking like little sausages. Carrie wanted to eat her up. She leaned her head back against the chair and let the baby do her thing. When Penelope finished eating, Carrie draped a muslin cloth over her shoulder and burped her. Satisfied with her meal, she set her back down into her crib for some much needed sleep.

Carrie grabbed the automatic breast pump where it was sitting on her desk and attached it to herself so she could pump the remaining milk. The pump had been a gift一 among a few others一  from her teammates and it was a godsend. She did some late night (or was it early morning?) Instagram scrolling while she waited. She packed the extra milk into pouches and took them to the kitchen to be stored in the fridge. Carrie was about to head back up to her room when she heard footsteps coming down the stairs. Her papa appeared in the kitchen moments later.

“Hey, what are you doing up?” She asked him.

“Nothing, I just wanted to check on you. We heard Pen crying over the monitor.” Severino replied.

“Yeah, we’re fine. She just needed to feed. So I did that and pumped after.”

Severino got a look at his daughter. Her dark brown hair was pulled up into a ponytail with bumps at the crown; her old high school gym shirt had a wet spot on its chest and dried spit up on its shoulder; and she was wearing a pair of sweats that looked about two sizes too big on her. Probably Beckett’s. Carrie even had that exhausted look in her eyes. She looked every bit like a new mom. Severino wanted to help her as much as he could and he and Andrew both agreed that they would but to also give her the space to figure things out on her own. They would only step in if Carrie really needed their help.

“Ready to head back up?”

She nodded and walked over to him, wrapping an arm around her papa’s waist. He kissed her on the side of her head as they walked up the stairs together.

-

Christmas came in the blink of an eye. Carrie had no idea where the time had gone in her first month as a new mom. She was taking care of a newborn then suddenly her dads were setting up the house for the holidays then bam! Christmas. They had a busy two weeks as a family. They would be spending Christmas Eve with her dad’s family then Christmas itself with her papa’s family. Both gatherings would be A Time just due to the sheer size of each side. It would also be the first time the extended family would meet Penelope. The thought alone made Carrie both excited and nervous. She had grown significantly in her first month which made Carrie feel very good. She was doing something right at least. Dr. Patel was also happy with her growth.

Carrie had just finished bathing Penelope and was now changing her for her dad’s family’s Christmas celebration. This year it would be at her Aunt Isla’s house. Carrie took her time in lathering up her baby girl’s skin with lotion. It also gave her a chance to look over her from head to toe. Her skin was still so soft and smooth as ever. She turned over daughter’s right arm and found the misshapen patch of skin that was darker than her creamy beige skin. She knew what it was the moment she laid her eyes on it for the first time a month ago. How could she forget it, when she always saw the same patch of skin every summer for as long as she could remember whenever Beck wore muscle tees or had his shirt off during practice. His birthmark was bigger than the one Penelope had and laid against the side of his deltoid and stretched just past the ball of his shoulder. It was undeniably his birthmark that was placed on her daughter.

She had just finished snapping the buttons of Penelope’s Christmas themed onesie in place when she heard a knock on her door.

“Yeah?” Carrie called out. Andrew poked his head through the door.

“Can I take over?” He asked.

“Sure.”

Her dad stepped into the room and picked Penelope up from her changing table. He pressed a few kisses to her cheeks before holding her.

“Who’s the pretty girl? You are!” Carrie watched her dad shower her daughter with affection. “Your cousins are so excited to meet her.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm.”

Andrew pressed a few kisses to Penelope’s hairline.

“You can start getting ready, papa and I got her.”

“Thanks, dad.”

-

Carrie stepped out of the shower and wrapped her towel around her body, feet landing on the cushy bath mat. She patted herself down and began working her strawberry scented lotion from her arms down to her torso then to her legs. Her eyes caught her midsection in the mirror despite her view being slightly blurry without her glasses on. Before pregnancy, Carrie’s body was all muscle and defined lines. Thanks to motherhood a nice layer of fat had softened her figure. Her arms and tummy weren’t toned like they were in the beginning of the year. Red stretch marks littered her honey kissed skin, running down her belly and the tops of her breasts. Carrie had never really been insecure about her appearance before, not even when she was a chubby five year old and one of the bigger girls in her senior kindergarten class. She had her parents to thank for that. They had always ingrained in her just how perfect and beautiful she was to them. They were never concerned with her weight or her size as she got older. And when baseball became more serious and she hit puberty, Carrie’s body began changing. She had grown to be the tallest girl on both her papa and mom’s sides, standing at 5 '8 by the time she finished growing. Her weight just got evenly distributed as she grew and workouts increased. But now that Penelope was out of her, it wasn’t hard for her to notice just how much pregnancy had changed her body. She turned away from the mirror and continued getting ready for the party.

-

The three of them stepped through the front door of her aunt’s and was immediately greeted by the smell of mouthwatering food and chatter from all different parts of the house. Carrie toed her boots off and picked up the car seat that was holding Penelope’s sleeping self. She walked through the foyer and towards the open kitchen where the majority of the family was, mainly the older teens and adults. The little ones could be heard running around the main and upper floors of the house. Her parents, who had been walking ahead of her, greeted the family. Hugs and kisses were given as Carrie propped the car seat onto an empty space on the kitchen counter and began unbuckling Penelope from the confines of the belts keeping her in place. The baby let out a little whine as Carrie very carefully picked her up. She pressed a couple kisses to her hairline, soothing her. Her family waited with bated breath as Carrie turned her body so Penelope was facing them.

“Everyone, this is Penelope Rose.” She introduced. They all cooed at the little one.

“She’s beautiful, Carrie.”

“She’s so round.”

“How much did she weigh?”

Carrie went around the kitchen and the living room, showing Pen to everyone she encountered and answered some questions along the way. Her aunts and uncles took turns carrying and doting on Penelope so Carrie could eat. She walked over to the kitchen island and gravitated towards the glazed ham, which thankfully still had quite a bit left to it. She had loved her Aunt Isla’s glazed ham since she was a kid and that hasn’t changed. The familiar smell of it invaded her nose while she laid four pieces down onto her plate. An arm wrapped around her waist.

“I see you’ve already started on the ham.” Her aforementioned aunt commented. Carrie gave her aunt a hug with the arm that wasn’t holding up her plate of goodness.

“You know I can’t resist.”

“I already put some away for you to take home. It’s in the microwave.”

“Have I ever told you that you’re my favourite aunt?” Carrie joked.

“I heard that.” Her Aunt Olivia, her dad’s second oldest sister, piped up behind them. Carrie gave her a hug as well.

“You look good, Carrie.”

She gave her a small smile. The three women got to talking in the kitchen while Carrie ate. From where she was standing, she could see Penelope with her cousin Brian. Olivia and Isla updated her on each of their kids’ progress in school and how work was going for them. Isla was a dental assistant and Olivia worked in publishing. It was always so fascinating hearing her aunts talk about their careers because of how different they were. Isla was animatedly talking about a patient at her office whose parents neglected their dental health when Carrie heard a familiar cry across the room.

“Someone’s hungry.” Carrie said to her aunts before putting her plate down on the counter and walking towards her papa. Severino held Penelope out towards his daughter and she quickly took her, rocking the baby as she went to pick up the bag on the floor. 

“You can use our bedroom, Carrie.” Her Uncle James offered. Carrie quickly thanked him before making her way up the stairs to the second floor.

Upon entering the bedroom, she took off the red knit sweater she had dressed herself with and set herself up on their bed. She gently tugged the pacifier out of Penelope’s mouth and brought her to her chest. It was quiet for the first few minutes, save for the sounds of her daughter sucking on her. Carrie watched as her daughter focused on the task. 

She found solace in the bedroom. Carrie loved her dad’s family with all her heart but she was a bundle of nerves upon arriving at the house. She knew they were happy for her but she was afraid it would all change the moment they saw her with a baby. The thought of her family switching up on her when they realized that it was real and not just a bump in her stomach was too real for Carrie. She was ready to brace herself for the possible drama the night might’ve brought. Carrie stroked Penelope’s chubby cheek.

“This is your grandpa’s family. They love you very much. And tomorrow you’re gonna meet your lolo’s family and they’re gonna love you very much too.” Penelope looked up at her mom with her big brown eyes. “I know you don’t understand me.”

Penelope finished her feeding and Carrie went through the motions of burping her and pumping the remaining milk before they went back downstairs to enjoy the rest of the party.

The remainder of the night went by smoothly. Her uncles and cousins got drunk as the night went on, which meant her dad did as well. She watched him as he began to stumble a bit about the house and became increasingly goo goo gaga with her papa. It was cute, disgusting, and embarrassing for her to witness. 

The exhaustion began to hit Carrie by 10 and she knew it was time to go. Penelope had long since passed out in her car seat, unbothered by the rowdiness of her family. Severino had eventually caught his daughter sitting on the couch with the back of her head resting on the couch cushion fighting to stay awake while she rocked Penelope’s car seat with her foot. He knew it was time to head out. He tugged on the hem of Andrew’s sweater.

“Andrew.”

“Yes, my love?” Oh, he was so out of it.

“We should go.”

“That time already?”

Severino tipped his head in the direction of their daughter. Andrew followed the direction of where his husband had shown him.

“Oh, yeah. Okay.”

Andrew took the responsibility of saying bye to the whole family while Severino took care of acquiring the leftovers. He managed to get Carrie’s glazed ham (thank God no one touched it), a heaping pile of cranachan, steak pie, and shortbread that Andrew’s mom had poured herself into. Severino was able to wake up their daughter with minimal pushback then went out to warm up the car. It didn’t take long before Andrew and Carrie were making their way out to him with Penelope in tow.

-

Carrie watched her cousins’ kids run around the living room as she held Penelope. It was Christmas day and they were spending it at her Tito Frank’s house, the oldest of her papa’s siblings. There was no shortage of activity from all corners of the house; from the dining room, to the kitchen, to the living room, to the upper floor, and even to the basement. Each room had at least a few people in it. Carrie caught bits and pieces of conversations being had in both English and Tagalog. She overheard her papa discussing restaurant business with her Tita Corie while her dad was asking one of her younger cousins about school. A beeping came from the entrance of the house, signaling the front door was opened and closed.

“That’s probably your Ate Elaine and Mi Cha.” One of her titas commented. Carrie’s eyebrows shot up in surprise.

“Papa told me they couldn’t make it.”

Before could reply, she saw her favourite cousin in the doorway of the living room with her girlfriend a couple steps behind her holding a tupperware.

“We’re here, sorry we’re late.” The pair went around the living room, giving hugs and kisses to the family. Elaine stopped in front of Carrie.

“There she is.” 

Carrie stood up and gave her cousin the biggest hug she could with Penelope in her arms. She did the same with Mi Cha. Both of them peered at the baby in her arms, cooing at her when Carrie adjusted her blanket. Tears began to form in their eyes.

“She’s gorgeous, Carrie.”

“You did good.”

“Thank you.”

Mi Cha cleared her throat. “My mom made you this.” She said, holding up the white tupperware.

“What is it?”

“It’s a seaweed soup my mom said they make back home that helps with postpartum. I told her it’s already been a month but she insisted.” Mi Cha explained.

Carrie wanted to cry. “Your mom is so sweet. Tell her thank you for this.”

“I will.”

-

Later into the night, Carrie found herself pumping in one of her cousin Andrea’s bedroom while Elaine and Mi Cha took turns burping their (unofficial) goddaughter. She watched on fondly as her cousin walked around the room and patted the baby’s back. She saw the look of complete adoration written clear as day on Mi Cha’s face. They had been together for nearly 6 years now, having first met in one of their electives for their social work program. The two of them didn’t start dating right away as Mi Cha was still in a relationship with her girlfriend from high school for the duration of the program. The pair had broken up not too long after graduation and it took Elaine another few months after that to build up the courage to ask her out. Carrie still remembered the nervousness that rolled off of Elaine’s body when they discussed her asking Mi Cha out on a date. It made Carrie want to smack her usually confident and self-assured cousin upside the head. Mi Cha flopped down on the queen sized bed next to Carrie and rolled over so she was laying on her side.

“How’re you feeling?” Mi Cha asked.

“I’m okay.” Both Elaine and Mi Cha gave her a look she was unfamiliar with and it made a pit settle into her stomach. “What?”

“Now we want the real answer and not the one you’ve been giving everyone else. Your dads told us what happened.”

Carrie felt the familiar burning in her nose and eyes that she seemed to be dealing with almost every single day since having Penelope. She cannot be crying again, for fucks sake. And goddamn those two for using their social worker selves on her. Carrie let out a shaky sigh before she delved into what she had been feeling for the last month. It was her first time saying out loud how scared she felt about what happened. She confided in them about how she would find herself riddled with panic at times when she was home alone with Penelope, thinking about the very real possibility of her parents being the ones to raise her daughter. They let her cry about it openly, something they knew she hadn’t been allowing herself to do since giving birth. Elaine passed Penelope off to Mi Cha so she could comfort their cousin. 

If anyone were to walk in on them, they’d find an interesting sight before them. They’d see Elaine knelt down in front of Carrie with her hands cupping her face while she still had her breast pump still attached to her and Mi Cha sitting on the bed with Penelope. It looked a little ridiculous but it’s what Carrie needed. The two women gave their cousin hushed reassurances and praises as her crying calmed down. Elaine wiped the tears from Carrie’s cheeks.

“This is so stupid.”

“It’s not stupid.”

“No I mean- look at me.” Carrie gestured to the breast pump still attached to her chest and her puffy face. “I’m crying to you guys about something that was my choice while I’m pumping.”

“You know we’re always here for you, right?” Elaine asked, still wiping her tear stained cheeks.

“I do but you guys didn’t need all of that.”

“None of that.” Mi Cha shook her head. “We love you and we’re here for you.”

All Carrie could manage to do was nod, in fear of possibly triggering a fresh round of tears if she spoke. They let her finish pumping before passing Penelope back to her. It was perfect timing because-

“Yo, they’re starting karaoke soon.” Their cousin, Phillip, informed them with a knock to the closed door.

“Shit, someone needs to get to the mic before Tita Corie can take it and hog it for the rest of the night.”

“Oh fuck-”

The three of them scrambled.

-

The holiday interlude between Christmas and New Year’s found the Panganiban-St.James family doing absolutely nothing. Andrew took the week off of work and the restaurant was always closed until the first Monday of the year. The coming new year was an exception however, because 2018 would be starting on the first Monday, so Severino made the executive decision to open up on the 8th instead, giving him and his staff much needed extra time off.

On Boxing Day, Andrew and Severino got up early to do some shopping while Carrie stayed at home with her babies, too exhausted from the party the night before. Their family group chat was active though, with pictures being sent in by the dads of clothing they thought Carrie would like for herself or Penelope. The pair ended up having a pretty successful trip downtown, coming home with a few new items for each of their closets, a playmat for Penelope, and the best deal of the day: a new TV. The plan was to replace the one in the basement with the TV in the living room and put the new one in the living room. Good day overall.

They spent the days leading up to New Year’s Eve puttering around the house or sitting in the living room watching every corny Christmas and New Year’s themed movie the W Network had to offer. Carrie would stand around the living room with Penelope in her carrier while her parents cuddled on the couch and gave their commentary. It was quite amusing hearing them complain and make fun of the dialogue between the two love interests in the movies. Penelope, the angel that she is, stayed silent despite her grandparents’ squabbling. Carrie kissed her baby’s soft head as both her papa and dad groaned and whined at the TV.

-

“Five… four… three… two… one! HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

The living room erupted in cheers with poppers and confetti to accompany it. Pocket change and five dollar bills were thrown up in the air for family members to fight over on the wooden floor. Carrie watched on as her family members from both sides greeted their partners with their first kiss of 2018. She spotted her parents in their own little corner of the living room, heads tipped towards each other. It was a sweet picture. 

And Carrie needed to get out of there.

She carefully pushed past her family, offering new year’s greetings as she worked her way through the crowd. When someone asked her where she was headed, she gave the excuse that she needed to check on Penelope to make sure the noise didn’t startle her awake. Carrie felt an ache settling into her chest as she made her way up the stairs and towards her room. She made sure to turn the doorknob all the way before giving the door a gentle push open and didn’t release it until the door was closed once again. Her feet took her straight to Penelope’s crib where she was splayed out on her back sleeping the night away without a care for the commotion happening a floor below. Carrie watched her daughter’s chest rise and fall for a few moments before she settled onto the floor with her legs crossed. She rubbed at the spot on her sternum where she could feel the ache sitting just behind it. Carrie closed her eyes and leaned back against the slats of Penelope’s crib.

She had imagined her year going differently than it had. A lot differently.

For the past 18 years of her life Carrie and Beck had spent New Year’s Eve together. (This wasn’t an exaggeration; there were photos of them as babies from NYE 1998 all the way to last year as young adults). Earlier in the year Carrie had imagined that Beck, Catherine, and Michael would make the trip back home to Toronto while Beck had Christmas break off from school and they’d spend the holiday together. If that wasn’t feasible, they’d at least FaceTime as the ball dropped and Beck would promise to come see her as soon as possible and he’d give her that New Year’s kiss like he promised.

But neither of those things happened. Because they weren’t talking anymore. Because Carrie made a snap decision because she was scared. She knows it’s 100% her fault but fuck, it hurt. 

Who knows what Catherine would’ve done if she told Beckett back in March. She knew the woman had a mean side to her. She’d seen it whenever Beck acted in a way she didn’t like or got a less than remarkable grade in school. 

“This is not who we are, Beckett. This isn’t what we do.” Catherine would say, her words coming out quick and curt. There was no room for debate. Beckett always seemed like his mother’s words didn’t phase him, like water rolling off a duck’s back. But Carrie always knew when her words would hit a little too hard and dig in a little too deep. It was in the way his lips would downturn just a very small fraction and his normally kind, brown eyes shifted into something mean. Carrie had been on the receiving end of that look sometimes when Beck’s performance was less than what he’d expected. It was something she was well versed in. 

Carrie also saw Catherine’s mean side when she and her father would discuss work issues around the kids when they thought they wouldn’t give two shits about what they were discussing. Her dad always tried to be nice about the issues he had but Catherine could not care less. She went in hard on the people she talked about whether it be fellow colleagues or management. How had Carrie not noticed Catherine’s bullying attitude as a bad thing until it was sicked on her? Would Beck having a baby be another thing she’d be disappointed in? Carrie didn’t want to find out.

This is not who we are, Beckett. This isn’t what we do.

Carrie kept her hand on her chest and took a few steadying breaths, eyes still closed.

“It had to be this way,” Carrie whispers to herself.

This is not who we are; this is not what we do.

“You’re better off without them.” She took a big breath in and let it out. “You are not a disappointment.”

(I am not a disappointment.)

This is not who we are; this is not what we do.

Carrie was going to make this work. 

She had to.

-

taglist: @paris-roubaix

[itsfuckinganne]

a better update

it is December 28, 2022 n my year has been a big learning lesson. a lot of it, most of it, really hurt.  I chose myself a lot this year and completed my year’s resolution which is to set boundaries. I honestly dont understand why I took this long to act upon the things I want 4 myself but im not surprised. im a very stubborn person and all I do is deflect by creating a different scenario in my brain. das why ive been in this continuous cycle of getting played by the game and I jus..let it happen. I craved things that were not ready 4 me and it made me realize how I keep repeating it LMAOOO but this year I broke some serious habits and reenforced the comfortability of my space. therapy helped a lot (shout out Tina Merced, you are a very kind woman. u are one of the only people who has figured me out..) and having a positive feedback ab my decisions and how I think helps me understand myself. it felt (past tense/explain later) really good to just focus on what I plan 2 do next year. last year I just really wanted to show up 4 everyone more so I ended up acting upon emotion rather than balancing it out w/ what’s realistic. *I forgot what word 2 use in the last sentence so I went on my phone to change the song and then I remembered. I'm listening 2 defibrillator by smino* 

anyways, yeah this year I showed up for myself even if it hurt a lot to let go and I feel a lil lighter. im guilty of a lot, especially how present I am in my rlsps, and I am still for a bit more, but im doing better and those close 2 me see it. I said this all in past tense because Im a lil hurt right now, but it's just an owie. I allowed myself 2 give someone a benefit of the doubt and I feel as if they abused it a little. I know when I reread this in the future 2 reflect, I'll know exactly what im talking about. rather than feeling sad, im SO disappointed. i was feeling a lil better and I thought that would be okay, but I shouldn't disregard my accomplishments cus they're worthy of celebrating. allowing myself to forgive but just being proven right is horrible. it was a real wake up call to continue my self love journey cus I was getting some where and it was somewhere good. my best friend told me that “I know youre a good person and you do too so u dont have to give people multiple chances to prove that” and it struck hard (but 4 the better). I appreciate the transparency that I have w/ my friendships cus w/o it, I probably wouldn't b able to keep myself accountable, but I have been recently and thats why 2023 is going to be a good year. I wonder what karmic situations im going 2 be in. im not anticipating bad, but I can handle some lessons. im allowing myself 2 learn and thats my true end goal. at the end of the day, im just figuring it out. I dont think im doing that bad, but some reassurance would b amazing. I know I am worthy of everything I desire. to have, to feel, to experience. Im going 2 move forward so I can live better 4 myself. by doing that, taking this time, I can show up better. I want 2 do better, b better, all the things ive imagined myself to b. I cant believe I spent so much time settling 4 what I have cus Im constantly validated. the issues r real. I need 2 tell Tina ab this bcuz it makes so much sense. people pleasing cus nothing I ever did pleased my dad. that shit hurtsss, not gonna lie. but thats what I mean, im learning more and applying what I have 2 in my life and its working. by realizing that the pattern exists bcuz I dont rly speak or ever knew that was an issue. it hurts a bit 2 realize that someone who was a part of my life is now booted out of the next year. in pain bcuz I sat through conversations of him telling me how much he loves me, and how I cld b his polly pocket so he could take me everywhere, and how his family loves me, and all these other things and he STILL ran w/ what he wanted. honesty is the best policy and this lil set up pushed me to let go and let live. I wish I cld cry more, im purging the fuck outta this because I cannot let it repeat anymore. I also learned that some people only last so long in your life bcuz of how you coexist together. cutting ties w/ ppl you used to b family with takes a piece of you that dissipates like the rlsps thats gone. sounds dramatic, but that breakup was horrible. also, my dating life was quite the shit show. had my hinge phase, coworkers phase, toxic situation ship (two of those..at the same time but in my defense I was nvr asked 2 b a gf.), & my celibate phase. I nvr intended 2 dissect but it was rough 4 everyone I know and myself. im blessed enough 2 be surrounded by people who want whats best 4 me cus the goal is something we all agree on. 2022 you helped me show up 4 myself better. 2023 were going 2 show up better for ourselves and those around us. ive realized so much (1:11am , im sry in advance) & Ima share w/ some privacy of course. high school situationships r finally cut and I jus cant believe it but im happy 4 everyone whos living in love. realizing im the problem , speaks for itself. im officially tired. thats an update 4 ya

my fit 2day

goodnight

happy new year