#though if she turns out to be the 8th survivor and just shows up to continue being a hater i would be fine with that too sjdflskhflsahf

[invisible-pink-toast]

thinking about how mari is obsessed with heirarchy and making sure she's near the top

early season 1 when jackie is the captain, popular and stepping into a leader role, mari is always trying to get her attention.

trying to be helpful and close and always backing jackie up, wanting to be her no.2 (and stepping in the second there's tension between jackie and shauna)

but after they've been out there for a few weeks, things start to shift. there's no soccer team so jackie being captain doesn't matter. she's not stepping up as a leader because that involves living off the land and jackie has no clue what to do there. and the only popularity is within their group - and jackie not pulling her weight means she's no longer popular.

i don't think at this point mari singles out jackie to make an enemy out of her, they still have some friendly moments. but we all know mari's favourite thing is being a hater and that just comes out. she's treating jackie like they're equals - and in this situation, they now are.

besides, someone else is starting to step up as leader

and when tai leaves on her mission to find help, mari is in the small group that goes. it's worth mentioning that jackie also gave her support in the escape attempt. both leader-figures are in favour, so mari is too.

but tai's stint as leader doesn't exactly go as planned...

their group is attacked in the night when tai was supposed to be on watch. tai fell asleep, the fire went down, and "other tai" slept-walked her up a tree. and while when tai comes to she joins the fight (and kills a wolf with an axe damn), i think that would've broken mari's trust in her as a leader.

the other person who is being set up as a leader, whether she likes it or not, is lottie. before their attempt to leave the woods (after the seance / possession, when everyone is freaked by lottie and only really van is starting to believe her) mari is openly making fun of her.

but after van is more vocal about believing in lottie, and laura lee is advocating for lottie too, there's a shift.

it's not entirely clear whether mari just starts to believe in The Wilderness and lottie's connection to it, or she see's the others starting to believe and agrees to be in the majority. i think it's a combination of the two.

and by doomcoming, lottie is starting to stand out as a leader.

and (especially once the shrooms and booze kicks in) mari is happy to follow along

lottie says they should find jackie and travis, and all the girls follow her into the woods. and guess who's the first one through the door, the first one to go after jackie? mari.

and when they find jackie and travis, they all follow lottie's lead there too - ganging up on jackie, locking her up, and that whatever-orgy-hunt thing with travis. once again, lottie is the one ordering them to go after someone, and they all willingly - eagerly - comply.

and when they have travis on the alter, lottie in her antler queen glory, who's the one standing beside her? who's the one forcing travis' mouth open for lottie to shove the pinecone into? who's grinning like a predator while doing it?

how even after the hunt is over and the shrooms have worn off she's still ready to antagonise jackie, who's setting herself up as an outsider

jackie doesn't believe in the wilderness, or lottie (even after a bear bowed to her and she killed it! metal af! oh and she predicted it!), she didn't eat the stew and go on a non-consensual mindfuck journey like the rest of them. now that lottie is being put on top, and jackie has been alienated from the group, the dynamics have all changed.

jackie orders shauna out, but she doesn't have that power anymore. and while ben and tai try to keep jackie inside, lottie tells ben to stay out of it, and mari is the one who mocks jackie - and further ostracises her from the group.

throughout s2 mari is firmly in team lottie with most of the others. always supporting lottie, going to her morning meetings, participating in the rituals, helping her when she's nearly comatose. so when the starvation and fear and determination to survive wins out, and the group decides to kill one of them in order to save the group, it's agreed it can't be lottie.

but they draw from a deck of cards. whoever gets the queen is the sacrifice. it's random, they're all equals. everyone has to draw a card.

and given that we've seen the first card-drawing-wilderness-choosing session, and the last (so far) in 2021, and they're pretty much the same, we can assume that this is the way it's done all through the rest of those 19 months too.

sure possibly there was cheating, rigging, people trying to save themselves or who they love most. but at this point we don't know.

all we know is that next winter a girl, that is most likely either mari or gen, is hunted down in a ritualistic way before being killed, butchered and eaten.

and as far as mari's character arc goes, it makes so much sense for it to be her.

that she's put all her effort into being in the majority, in being useful and following the leader no matter who they are, so that she can be on top.

only for it not to matter at all. because 'the wilderness chose'

it would be a cruel end for her character (for anyone but specifically) but the show is portraying just how cruel survival and the wild can be. jackie just wants to be loved. she dies alone in the snow. javi wants to help. he dies in nat's place. mari wants to be on top? she dies in a pit.

mari threw jackie aside because she no longer served a purpose for mari, and mari dies wearing jackie's necklace.

it also makes sense because of her constant antagonism of misty - because mari perceives her as being on the bottom, and as long as misty is then mari should be safe. mari is the cook, and after the shrooms incident, she refuses to let misty anywhere near the food

and yet... after pit girl has been turned into food... it's misty that brings the plate forwards. something mari never would have let her do. they all have their roles - for instance, shauna is the butcher, and we know it was her who bled out pit girl (shauna has flashbacks to it when attacking adam). so shauna's role has stayed consistent, if mari was still in the group why would misty be the one bringing the food out? maybe because mari is the food...

and each character has something different going on - lottie has visions, tai sleepwalks, akilah hallucinates a dead mouse as being alive, etc. well mari hears dripping. constant dripping she can't find a source for. until she sees buckets of blood oozing through the walls

"Oh my god! Oh my god! They're dead! They're dead, they're dead, they're dead! They were! No, their blood was dripping on the floor."

Doesn't bode well for her.

[magnetictapedatastorage]

I’ve started keeping a list of questions, remnants of a past life that I now need a beat or two to remember, if I can remember at all: What time do parties end? How tall is my boss? What does a bar smell like? Are babies heavy? Does my dentist have a mustache? On what street was the good sandwich place near work, the one that toasted its bread? How much does a movie popcorn cost? What do people talk about when they don’t have a global disaster to talk about all the time? You have to wear high heels the whole night? It’s more baffling than distressing, most of the time.

Full text of the (excellent) article is under the cut. (The Atlantic, March 8th, 2021)

I first became aware that I was losing my mind in late December. It was a Friday night, the start of my 40-somethingth pandemic weekend: Hours and hours with no work to distract me, and outside temperatures prohibitive of anything other than staying in. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to fill the time. “What did I used to … do on weekends?” I asked my boyfriend, like a soap-opera amnesiac. He couldn’t really remember either.

Since then, I can’t stop noticing all the things I’m forgetting. Sometimes I grasp at a word or a name. Sometimes I walk into the kitchen and find myself bewildered as to why I am there. (At one point during the writing of this article, I absentmindedly cleaned my glasses with nail-polish remover.) Other times, the forgetting feels like someone is taking a chisel to the bedrock of my brain, prying everything loose. I’ve started keeping a list of questions, remnants of a past life that I now need a beat or two to remember, if I can remember at all: What time do parties end? How tall is my boss? What does a bar smell like? Are babies heavy? Does my dentist have a mustache? On what street was the good sandwich place near work, the one that toasted its bread? How much does a movie popcorn cost? What do people talk about when they don’t have a global disaster to talk about all the time? You have to wear high heels the whole night? It’s more baffling than distressing, most of the time.

RECOMMENDED READING

There’s No Real Reason to Eat 3 Meals a DayAMANDA MULL

The Pandemic’s Future Hangs in SuspenseTHE COVID TRACKING PROJECT

A Quite Possibly Wonderful SummerJAMES HAMBLIN

Everywhere I turn, the fog of forgetting has crept in. A friend of mine recently confessed that the morning routine he’d comfortably maintained for a decade—wake up before 7, shower, dress, get on the subway—now feels unimaginable on a literal level: He cannot put himself back there. Another has forgotten how to tie a tie. A co-worker isn’t sure her toddler remembers what it’s like to go shopping in a store. The comedian Kylie Brakeman made a joke video of herself attempting to recall pre-pandemic life, the mania flashing across her face: “You know what I miss, is, like, those night restaurants that served alcohol. What were those called?” she asks. “And there were those, like, big men outside who would check your credit card to make sure you were 41?”

Read: Sedentary pandemic life is bad for our happiness

Jen George, a community-college teacher from Cape Elizabeth, Maine, told me she is losing her train of thought in the middle of a sentence more and more often. Meanwhile, her third grader, who is attending in-person school, keeps leaving his books, papers, and lunch at home. Inny Ekeolu, a 19-year-old student from Ireland, says she has found herself forgetting how to do things she used to do on a regular basis: swiping her bus pass, paying for groceries. Recently she came across a photo of a close friend she hadn’t seen since lockdown and found that she couldn’t recognize her. “It wasn’t like I had forgotten her existence,” she told me. “But if I had bypassed her on the street, I wouldn’t have said hi.” Rachel Kowert, a research psychologist in Ottawa, used to have a standing Friday-night dinner with her neighbors—and went completely blank when one of them recently mentioned it. “It was really shocking,” Kowert told me. “This was something I really loved, and had done for a long time, and I had totally forgotten.”

This is the fog of late pandemic, and it is brutal. In the spring, we joked about the Before Times, but they were still within reach, easily accessible in our shorter-term memories. In the summer and fall, with restrictions loosening and temperatures rising, we were able to replicate some of what life used to be like, at least in an adulterated form: outdoor drinks, a day at the beach. But now, in the cold, dark, featureless middle of our pandemic winter, we can neither remember what life was like before nor imagine what it’ll be like after.

To some degree, this is a natural adaptation. The sunniest optimist would point out that all this forgetting is evidence of the resilience of our species. Humans forget a great deal of what happens to us, and we tend to do it pretty quickly—after the first 24 hours or so. “Our brains are very good at learning different things and forgetting the things that are not a priority,” Tina Franklin, a neuroscientist at Georgia Tech, told me. As the pandemic has taught us new habits and made old ones obsolete, our brains have essentially put actions like taking the bus and going to restaurants in deep storage, and placed social distancing and coughing into our elbows near the front of the closet. When our habits change back, presumably so will our recall.

That’s the good news. The pandemic is still too young to have yielded rigorous, peer-reviewed studies about its effects on cognitive function. But the brain scientists I spoke with told me they can extrapolate based on earlier work about trauma, boredom, stress, and inactivity, all of which do a host of very bad things to a mammal’s brain.

“We’re all walking around with some mild cognitive impairment,” said Mike Yassa, a neuroscientist at UC Irvine. “Based on everything we know about the brain, two of the things that are really good for it are physical activity and novelty. A thing that’s very bad for it is chronic and perpetual stress.” Living through a pandemic—even for those who are doing so in relative comfort—“is exposing people to microdoses of unpredictable stress all the time,” said Franklin, whose research has shown that stress changes the brain regions that control executive function, learning, and memory.

That stress doesn’t necessarily feel like a panic attack or a bender or a sleepless night, though of course it can. Sometimes it feels like nothing at all. “It’s like a heaviness, like you’re waking up to more of the same, and it’s never going to change,” George told me, when I asked what her pandemic anxiety felt like. “Like wading through something thicker than water. Maybe a tar pit.” She misses the sound of voices.

Prolonged boredom is, somewhat paradoxically, hugely stressful, Franklin said. Our brains hate it. “What’s very clear in the literature is that environmental enrichment—being outside of your home, bumping into people, commuting, all of these changes that we are collectively being deprived of—is very associated with synaptic plasticity,” the brain’s inherent ability to generate new connections and learn new things, she said. In the 1960s, the neuroscientist Marian Diamond conducted a series of experiments on rats in an attempt to understand how environment affects cognitive function. Time after time, the rats raised in “enriched” cages—ones with toys and playmates—performed better at mazes.

Ultimately, said Natasha Rajah, a psychology professor at McGill University, in Montreal, our winter of forgetting may be attributable to any number of overlapping factors. “There’s just so much going on: It could be the stress, it could be the grief, it could be the boredom, it could be depression,” she said. “It sounds pretty grim, doesn’t it?”

The share of Americans reporting symptoms of anxiety disorder, depressive disorder, or both roughly quadrupled from June 2019 to December 2020, according to a Census Bureau study released late last year. What’s more, we simply don’t know the long-term effects of collective, sustained grief. Longitudinal studies of survivors of Chernobyl, 9/11, and Hurricane Katrina show elevated rates of mental-health problems, in some cases lasting for more than a decade.

I have a job that allows me to work from home, an immune system and a set of neurotransmitters that tend to function pretty well, a support network, a savings account, decent Wi-Fi, plenty of hand sanitizer. I have experienced the pandemic from a position of obscene privilege, and on any given day I’d rank my mental health somewhere north of “fine.” And yet I feel like I have spent the past year being pushed through a pasta extruder. I wake up groggy and spend every day moving from the couch to the dining-room table to the bed and back. At some point night falls, and at some point after that I close work-related browser windows and open leisure-related ones. I miss my little rat friends, but I am usually too tired to call them.

Read: The most likely timeline for life to return to normal

Sometimes I imagine myself as a Sim, a diamond-shaped cursor hovering above my head as I go about my day. Tasks appear, and I do them. Mealtimes come, and I eat. Needs arise, and I meet them. I have a finite suite of moods, a limited number of possible activities, a set of strings being pulled from far offscreen. Everything is two-dimensional, fake, uncanny. My world is as big as my apartment, which is not very big at all.

“We’re trapped in our dollhouses,” said Kowert, the psychologist from Ottawa, who studies video games. “It’s just about surviving, not thriving. No one is working at their highest capacity.” She has played The Sims on and off for years, but she always gives up after a while—it’s too repetitive.

Earlier versions of The Sims had an autonomous memory function, according to Marina DelGreco, a staff writer for Game Rant. But in The Sims 3, the system was buggy; it bloated file sizes and caused players’ saved progress to delete. So The Sims 4, released in 2014, does not automatically create memories. PC users can manually enter them, and Sims can temporarily feel feelings: happy, tense, flirty. But for the most part, a Sim is a hollow vessel, more like a machine than a living thing.

The game itself doesn’t have a term for this, but the internet does: “smooth brain,” or sometimes “head empty,” which I first started noticing sometime last summer. Today, the TikTok user @smoothbrainb1tch has nearly 100,000 followers, and stoners on Twitter are marveling at the fact that their “silky smooth brain” was once capable of calculus.

This is, to be clear, meant to be an aspirational state. It’s the step after galaxy brain, because the only thing better than being a genius in a pandemic is being intellectually unencumbered by mass grief. People are celebrating “smooth brain Saturday” and chasing the ideal summer vibe: “smooth skin, smooth brain.” One frequently reposted meme shows a photograph of a glossy, raw chicken breast, with the caption “Cant think=no sad .” This is juxtaposed against a biology-textbook picture of a healthy brain, which is wrinkled, oddly translucent, and the color of canned tuna. The choice seems obvious.

Some Saturday not too long from now, I will go to a party or a bar or even a wedding. Maybe I’ll hold a baby, and maybe it will be heavy. Inevitably, I will kick my shoes off at some point. I won’t have to wonder about what I do on weekends, because I’ll be doing it. I’ll kiss my friends and try their drinks and marvel at how everyone is still the same, but a little different, after the year we all had. My brain won’t be smooth anymore, but being wrinkly won’t feel so bad. My synapses will be made plastic by the complicated, strange, utterly novel experience of being alive again, human again. I can’t wait.

ELLEN CUSHING

is the special-projects editor at The Atlantic.

[stvlti]

2020 Creator Wrap

I was tagged by @irolltwenties to do the 2020 Creator Wrap: Favorite Works tag! Thank you, lovely (*˘ ε ˘*)

Rules: it’s time to love yourselves! choose your 5 (or so) favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought to the world in 2020. tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

Before I begin, let me just tag some friends:

@reaperlight @3dnygma @drowthelynes @transdankovsky @fantomn @lawliyeeeet @dressed-to-keehl @setfa @0akdown @reidsnor @clubolive @mermaides

No pressure, but it would be fun if you guys share some of your works this year ( ˘︶˘ ) let’s see those fics and edits and artworks!! Get the clicks and views y’all deserve 💕 💕

And now, onwards to my 2020 Favorite Works List!

I didn’t write nearly as much as some of you guys did. And though I did exceed my goal of putting out 1 fic per month, I don’t have 5 solid ones I’m proud of. So I’ll just list 4 fics here:

01 // Growing Pains

I’ve always been very nervous about reccing this one, because it broaches a topic that I don’t really have a right to claim? I’m not transgender myself, but I simply adore the trans Dick Grayson headcanon so much it singlehandedly brought me back to the DC fandom and restarted my fanfic-writing habit for 2020 😂😂 plus the writing quality isn’t half bad, and I still really like the idea/metaphor this little story started with and grew from. 

Fave moment (besides the obvious):

"Ka-Pow!!" The boy ventriloquised. Lego Robin sailed through the air in his fingers. One stubby, outstretched leg made contact with a Lego henchman, knocking all the surrounding baddies over like bowling pins. "Sorry Mr. Bad Guys, guess it's way past your bedtime too!"

"Good job, Robin." The boy lowered his prepubescent voice and tried to affect Batman's gravelly timbre as much as possible. In his other hand, he walked Lego Batman across the floor of the crime scene. "How about we round them up and leave it for the Commish? It's getting quite late."

"Oh oh! Can I have cookies on the ride back?"

The boy swivelled Lego Batman's grinning face around. "I don't see why not."

Another night out in Lego Gotham City, another day saved by the Dynamic Duo. This called for a celebration indeed. The boy set the pair of heroes down by the Lego Batmobile and reached over to his own plate of Alfred's after-school chocolate chip cookies. He took his sweet time with the last piece, savouring each bite, sighing at the way it melted on his tongue.

02 // Transference 

This is my best-performing fic in terms of the kudos to hits ratio, so I feel validated in being proud of this one :’) It’s a pretty good marker of the distances I’ve covered since getting serious about reading the comic source material end of 2019, as you can see from the much broader and varied cast of characters I focused on for this story. It also definitely cemented - to me, at least - the fact that I can write action scenes. When I went into “Second Chances” (a fem Jay fic) earlier this year, I was so nervous about writing the action sequence there, because I’ve never written a serious action scene up until that point! To me, this fic definitely showcases the growth I’ve experienced as a writer this year ^_^

Fave moment: (CONTAINS SPOILERS, PLEASE READ THE FIC FIRST IF YOU HAVEN’T!)

When the trio return, Ivy takes her place at the meeting table with a severe expression on her face. She chooses her words carefully, when she speaks. "The odds aren't pretty. We just accepted 100 refugees over the weekend, and the Green is still repairing itself after last week's attack."

Rose exchanges a glance with Jason. He gives her hand a reassuring squeeze, though he's not looking any better than she feels.

"But, each and everyone of us stayed behind to defend the Garden, because we all believed in giving a sanctuary for the civilian survivors out there.

"So bring them here. I'll take them in."

No sooner has Ivy finished the sentence, than Zatanna and Constantine have fired up their teleportation portal, and Harley's cheerful "Good luck!" is lost to the mad dash off to the rescue mission. The rest of the Shadowpact scramble after Rose as she launches herself through the portal—

—and slams into Arsenal, pushing him out of the way seconds before a meteoric explosion of green fire incinerates the very spot he'd been standing in.

03 // Paying It Forward

This one is important to me if only for the reason that it’s the first time I’ve written character dialogues that flowed. And I didn’t even need to plan them out meticulously beforehand! Do you know how rare that is for me as an ESL writer? Dialogues have been the bane of my existence since I started writing as a wee teen. Luckily, the Titans TV show has some solid character dynamics for me to fall back on. And from there I started reading NTT era Dick & Donna, and I just fell in love with their friendship. And now, I can turn to this fic as proof I still got it whenever I doubt my abilities as a writer c:

Fave moment:

Dick glanced at her, eyebrows raised. "She ran out on you?"

"No, no, we never really... I don't think it counts as running away if it never led to anything more."

"But you wanted it to be more." Dick paused, taking in Donna's silence, which would've fooled anyone else but him. "You still want it."

"I-- yeah." Donna sighed and held her hands up as if to say you caught me. "I'm... Sorry? For stealing your girl?"

Dick laughed, bemused. "She was never mine. She knew what she wanted, what she needed - and I wasn't in the right place to give her that."

"And you? You think I'm what she needs?"

"Better you than me. You're Donna Troy. Older, smarter, prettier..."

Donna gave him a deadpan stare.

"... And you know who you want to be. She likes that in a partner. I'm still figuring that one out for myself." Dick stretched his arms up and then leaned back into his seat, lacing his fingers behind his head as he stared up into the ceiling.

04 // When I'm down on my knees, you're how I pray

I’m including this one just to showcase I got the range, babey. And honestly, the fact that I was able to write this fic and actually receive positive reviews for it was a surprise to me too!! This was the first time I ever attempted to write a real darkfic with dead dove subject matters, and I managed to nail the emotional manipulation, somehow ;__; It was a real learning experience too, learnt so much about Catholicism just to write about Dick’s guilt issues in an AU setting nobody asked for 🤡

Fave moment: (dead dove warnings apply)

"Not at all, Richard," Roman said. The boy would come to him, eventually. "Now, it's getting late. If that's all, I'll have Jason fetch your room keys. Seven Hail Mary's before bed, and think about everything we've just discussed. Tomorrow we'll do a proper debriefing."

"I... Okay." For a moment, Dick sounded like he had more to say. Instead, Roman heard a muffled sniffle, one that Dick likely tried to disguise with a hand over his mouth. Silly boy.

"Thank you again, Father," Dick said, after a beat.

"All in a day's work, my child." Roman unlatched the door and stepped out of the booth. He nodded at Dick as the younger man ambled out of the booth after him. "Goodnight now, Richard."

As he set off for the living quarters, Dick called out. "Wait!"

Roman turned around, inclining his head.

"Will you stay?" The candlelight chased shadows away from Dick's face, and for one glorious moment, Roman could see the depth of the desperation shining in Dick's blue eyes.

"Guide me through my prayers. Please."

Roman smiled.

-

Oh did you think I was done? 😂 It did say Favourite Works and not just Favourite Fics, so I gotta include this one on the list too:

05 // 2020 Jason Todd Birthday edit

I said Robin Jason deserves better and I meant it! 👏👏 This edit took me 12 hours and 67 layers ‘cause I made a mistake on like my 8th hour into the editing process o__o but it ended up being my most popular serious graphic edit, so it was worth it. I guess! 

I mean the likes to reblog ratio is still fucked but hey, I broke 1k, which is more than I can say for any of my other edits

[queen-of-bel]

Which (j)rpg classes do you think the Devil Survivor characters would fit into? (Also please specify which series you are thinking of irt classes)

Good afternoon, lovely anon! Thank you for your question, this is a super fun one to think about!

That being said, I am probably the worst rpg fan alive LASDKFJLADS

I always get so confused with classes, so I’m absolutely going to embarrass myself with this question... That being said, I got a refresher on D&D classes, so I’m going to try my best!!   (ง •̀_•́)ง

putting under a read more bc length

Atsuro 

Warlock, for sure. Warlocks get their powers from a nonhuman entity, and I think that really mirrors the student/teacher relationship that he has with Naoya. I mean, Naoya is technically human, but his punishment has given him god-like intelligence and abilities. Atsuro is always looking for ways to apply what he’s learned, just as warlocks do.

From the very first day of the lockdown, he’s interested in tinkering around with the server and learning more about it, saying 

“If we CAN get to the server, though, we can monkey with the demon program all we want.”

Yuzu

This was difficult, but ultimately, I’d say bard. I’d say Yuzu is a bard because she doesn’t particularly excel at anything. She may do decent magic damage (although not as much compared to other characters like Naoya or Amane, and it takes her a while to reach 40 magic), but her movement is also limited to 3 spaces. She is, however, what I would say to be one of the most empathetic characters in the game.

She stops Atsuro from berating Keisuke on day 2, interrupting him and saying:

“Hey, c’mon… We’re all safe now, so let’s not fight, okay?”

She then turns to Keisuke and changes the subject:

“But, uh, Keisuke, was it…? It’s great that your number has increased!”

She is the only one who tries to understand why Midori acts the way she does. On the fourth day, she muses:

“I wonder why she’s so bent on being a hero.”

And on Amane’s 8th day, she is the only one who tries to reach out to Naoya on a personal level and empathize with him.

She clearly has some confidence in her ability to convince Naoya, as she asks Kazuya: 

“Oh, it’s Naoya! Hey, Kazuya… Could I try talking to him first?”

And later, when actually talking with Naoya, she says:

“I mean… it must be terrible to be reborn with all your past memories…”

I think that the kindness she shows, and her confidence in said kindness, fits with the charisma that bards possess.

Gin

Druid. Druids revere nature and are concerned with ecological balance. I think that this matches his desire to restore Tokyo to how it was before the lockdown. He knows that the world was a mix of good and bad, but he loved it all the same because that’s the Tokyo that Aya loved.

He says:

“It’s an amazing world, y’know. One big stew of thoughts, desires, emotions… The good and the bad… This city gives it to you all lumped together. … I want the demons out of Tokyo too. That’s when this world will be back the way it was.”

The only thing he wants is preserving that balance; he doesn’t care for a world where that happens.

Interestingly, this also ties into why I think the only 8th day Gin shows up in is Yuzu’s.

Even though some form of peace comes for humanity in both Amane’s and Naoya’s endings, Gin is noticeably absent. From what we know about Aya, she would’ve been content with either Amane’s or Naoya’s no kill endings. Aya loved the world, and was the type of person to find beauty in anything. Someone like that wouldn’t be averse to change. In fact, she might even welcome it.

But Gin is different. Gin never learned what Aya was really trying to teach him. Gin learned to appreciate the things about the Tokyo Aya fell in love with, but that’s not the point Aya was trying to make. Aya was trying to teach Gin how to appreciate the beauty in any situation. Aya would’ve wanted Gin to learn to find something to love in any world, but Gin couldn’t see the big picture. This is why he’s so obsessed with restoring Tokyo, and why he doesn’t show up in Amane’s or Naoya’s eighth days. Neither of these outcomes will bring Tokyo back to how it was.

Kaido

Barbarian. I’m sure right now you’re thinking “Well, duh, Amelia”. But other than his hot-headedness and pure rage in battle, I think there are some overlooked aspects of Kaido that make him a good fit for a barbarian.

Kaido is absolutely a “ride or die” kind of man. He’s willing to put himself in danger’s way, not only for the ones he cares about, but complete strangers as well. He teams up with Honda because he wants Honda to be reunited with his son as quickly as possible. Additionally, when he first meets Kazuya, he offers to find Naoya for him, saying:

“Well… Things are pretty bad around here, so I’ll help you look. Got a photo or anything?”

After Kazuya shows Kaido a picture of Naoya, Kaido says:

“This is the guy, huh…? Send me the pic over IR. Cool, got it. Alright, once the cells come back on, I’ll spread it around my crew.”

This wasn’t something that Kazuya asked him to do. This was something that Kaido volunteered to do. He didn’t have to do this for 3 strangers, but he did anyway.

Another aspect of Kaido that makes him a good barbarian is his metaphorically nomadic life.

Kaido has no real convictions in life. He’s just aimlessly doing what life handed to him. His brother died? Well, guess he has to take over his gang. Being stuck in the lockdown? Gain more power to help him survive and protect the person he cares about. The messiah is working to save humanity? Time to side with the angels. His personality and convictions are shaped by his environment. The only thing that is a constant with Kaido is that he feels the need to protect those he works with.

Keisuke

Cleric. Need I say more? Clerics are those who wield magic in service of a higher power. When Yama is initially summoned, he says:

“I am true justice, the raging sword. This righteous blade shall pass judgement on evil!”

With the power that Yama bestowed upon him, Keisuke can make sure that evildoers receive the justice they deserve.

Midori

Monk. She idolizes her late father who was a stuntman before he died in an accident, and wishes to be just like him. She tells Kazuya:

“My daddy’s job was to be a hero! … My own daddy was a defender of justice! … Soooo, that’s why I wanna be a hero too!”

Just as monks use their power to pursue physical and spiritual perfection, Midori wishes to be both physically and emotionally strong enough to be a defender of justice.

Haru

Bard, although for a different reason as Yuzu. While I believe Yuzu’s bard-like tendencies come from her lack of any particular skill and her empathy for others, Haru demonstrates traits that are more aligned with what people think of as a “traditional” bard.

She certainly has an affinity for story-telling, as she opens up to Kazuya fairly easily, wanting to tell him her life story. On the third day, she talks to Kazuya, saying:

“Let’s take a breather and chat sometime. It’ll be on me.”

She also (very obviously) fits in with the musical traits that bards have, as Aya’s song is a critical part in Devil Survivor’s lore. After the battle with Belial, she tells Gin:

“When I sang the song with Aya’s sequencer and that demon appeared… She helps a total stranger pick up her life, then summons demons and disappears!? ...I’m going to help these kids. If Aya summoned the demons, I’ll get rid of them!”

Using her musical talent, Haru is able to guide the party through perilous situations.

Amane

Another fairly straightforward answer. Sorcerers have inherent magical abilities from which they draw their power. Remiel says:

“Amane has had a power to hear the voices of the holy and the unholy since she was young. That is why Belberith turned his attention to her, and used her as a catalyst for Jezebel.”

This innate power that Remiel says Amane has is what then allowed the Shomonkai to defeat Jikoku. When Izuna asks Amane how she was able to defeat Jikoku, Amane simply replies:

“I borrowed the power of Jezebel, who is Master Belberith’s subordinate.”

While Amane’s innate abilities to hear non-human voices did not by itself defeat Jikoku, it certainly is what allowed the Shomonkai to do so. This drawing on an inherent power is much like what a sorcerer does, no?

Mari

Oh, this is a fun one. Mari is an extremely complex and multi-faceted character, and I can see aspects of her in many different classes. Ultimately, though, I think given her character development throughout the game, I’m going to go with barbarian-lite.

She doesn’t possess the same unbridled rage and primal physicality that barbarians typically do, but the strong emotions are absolutely there, as that is what allowed her to summon Kresnik in the first place. She’s just… better at hiding these emotions.

The character trait of hers that I find to be the most barbarian-like is how, by the end of the game, she has absolutely zero regard for anything other than loyalty to the party. Civility be damned, Mari is happy to slaughter innocent civilians if it means she can be loyal to Kazuya. Remember, it was Kaido who forced Mari out of the group during the Despot route. The conversation between the two of them unfolds as follows:

“Mari… You get out of here. We’ll handle the rest.”

“What are you saying, Tadashi? I can still--”

“No! ...C’mon, listen to me. Throw your COMP away, right now.”

“No. I don’t want to lose another…”

Clearly, Mari has no desire to leave the group, as she is worried that means she will lose another person that she loves. She has a very primal instinct to protect those in her immediate circle. 

Barbarians also have a tendency to charge headlong into that danger so that their party members don’t have to. She tells Kaido on the second day:

“I’m sorry, Tadashi… I know you worry about me… but I can’t back down.”

She worries that she will lose Kaido to the bloodless murderer as well, and charges ahead with her dangerous plan to defeat Kudlak. She knows that it’s selfish, but she just can’t stand to lose anyone else she cares about, so she jumps straight into the danger, hoping to protect the ones she loves in her immediate circle.

Honda

Yet another barbarian. I feel like this is probably the most self-explanatory of the bunch. Honda is just absolute chaos incarnate. Not only is he willing to murder for his son, but he is absolutely the most animalistic of the characters in this entire game. He is the only character who ever pushes for a truly chaotic world, as we see in Yuzu’s 7th day ending. In Yuzu’s 8th day, Honda has no qualms killing the SDF soldiers, viewing it as a favor to Kazuya and the group. When Atsuro berates Honda for killing the soldiers, Honda nonchalantly responds:

“You mean those guys just now? I only wanted to help my friends out of a tight spot. … Hahaha, guess I overstepped my boundaries.”

At this point in the game, Honda is driven by blind rage. A fierce fighter, his son has died, and the only thing that matters to him is killing the SDF soldiers, all in the name of revenge for his son.

Izuna

I think Izuna is simply a fighter. She’s adept at combat, with insanely high strength, agility, and vitality stats. An extremely brave and selfless person, she volunteered herself for the mission despite knowing that she would probably die. She tells Fushimi:

“Commander… I volunteered for this to save Tokyo and the lives of its citizens. Not to protect the unit’s honor!”

Later, in the tunnel, she pleads to Kazuya:

“There must be a way to save everyone… That’s why we volunteered for this mission. But if it raises the slim chance of this mission’s success… Please help us!”

Even Atsuro notes that everything Izuna does is for the sake of the mission, saying:

“Haha… The mission before everything, huh? I dunno… But I’ll let it slide for you.”

With Izuna’s primary goal at all times being the success of the mission, I think she’s perfect to be classified as a fighter.

Naoya

This man is absolutely a rogue. Rogues have a broad expertise that few other characters can match. They also would rather make one precise strike, placing it exactly where the attack will hurt the target most, than wear an opponent down with a barrage of attacks.

Thanks to his punishment, Naoya is a genius at predicting how people will act and behave. He is a man of few words, but boy, do those words hit hard. He can almost always twist a situation to get any outcome he wants. The best display of this is in his 7th day, where he is successfully able to extend the government’s deadline to use the UEM field. Kaido is impressed at how the negotiation with Fushimi went, saying:

“Negotiation? Hah! That was more like an order!”

Rogues are also not above using deception and trickery for their own gain. Naoya tells Atsuro:

“Every side plays dirty to get what it wants.”

Naoya also goes to great lengths to prevent the party from learning his true identity. When the angels fight Kazuya in front of Hills building, they attempt to reawaken his memories as Abel. Naoya panics, saying:

“Tch… Kazuya! Don’t listen to a word he says! He’s only trying to confuse you!”

Later, when Kazuya and Atsuro question about what Abel is, Naoya refuses to answer, simply responding:

“Unfortunately, I don’t plan on answering that question. Even if you knew, it has no relevance to the objective.”

Naoya is a deceptive man with god-like brilliance. Absolutely fitting for a rogue, if you ask me.

Thank you so much anon!! This was really fun, and I’m hoping I’m not embarrassing myself too much LOL（´ω｀♡%）

[kaiju-z]

Seon Adventures, Episode 37: The Client

When last we left off, Akar’Niel showed himself before the adventuring party, the Cultbusters for the 2nd time in two weeks time, after their group finished the most important part of their dungeon delving quest within the Tomb of the Fallen King.

With his re-introducing words of “Did you miss me?”, Akar’Niel takes the stage.

And there he was, leaning on a pillar.

Face to face again, this time before rest would overtake them, Akar’Niel makes himself known to the party. The Half-Elven man is met with a mix of intrigue from Jun and Luck, distaste from Mournimar and Belli and a careful study by Malak.

Morgan surely would be by his partner’s side due to the surprise appearance, while Arryn? Arryn was taking a well needed rest, oblivious to the conversation that was transpiring.

With the semi-hostile atmosphere coming from the party, Akar’Niel reveals to the lot of them that he is the client, who requested the fetching of Ena, currently in Luck’s possession.

From the initial interrogation, it’s hard to tell much about his intentions with the blade, aside from keeping it gathering dust in the tomb, or a museum to just be gawked at. However - Belli and Mournimar gather that he’s asking intently about the sword, but based on his physique, there’s a reason he’s not trying to wrestle it off. And Jun? 

Jun knows he lied and knows who River is. There’s an eyebrow twitch, when Luck asked why it mattered to him. He’s very emotionally invested in this artifact.

Furthemore, he tells the party he is of the Circle of Shaksban, the exclusionary spellcaster guild in Crystalgate. To try and gain the party’s trust, Akar’Niel offers himself to be placed under a Zone of Truth spell and willfully fail his save.

Belli casts said spell and a question and answer series begins, wherein he re-affirms he is who he is and what his intentions for the sword are. To hand it to the Darksbane Army for use, specifically, as they are considered by many, in different tones, as “the noble sort”.

During the talk, while Belli slips up and mentions that there’s only one human in their party, despite Luck wearing his disguise, Jun takes note of something about Akar’Niel.  She can see his eyes have a bit of a yellow flicker that moves like a vine in the wind. Furthemore, There’s almost like a faint breeze going through his hair, despite there being no wind?

The conversation carries on for about as long as the Zone of Truth permits, with an air of tension being raised from a half-suspicious and half-amicable side of the party. And Ena herself speaks to Luck, when he asks her what her take is on this arrangement.

Ena finds the party’s client a smug man, but is indifferent in who wields her, as long as blood can be shed. A bit unnerving, if honest answer from the weapon of a late king.

A deal ends up being struck, where the party agree to return Ena themselves, rather than hand it over at this moment to Akar’Niel. And that whenst he checks on the group the sound of wind chimes will follow.

With his departure, the six go to sleep, taking a long rest.

And in the morning? Luctan brings out the Dragon Skull for Malak to question. After debating what the questions should be...

Malak casts Speak With Dead. And for flavor and more amicable conversing, he asks in Draconic:

- 1. ”What were the names of you and the other dragon that attacked?”- “I’m Izyr. Lord of the Sands. My companion is Zamberrut , the Barbarian.”

- 2.“What destroyed the dwarves and dragonborn?” – “A magic not even I know.”

- 3. “Do you know who cast it?” – “The wizards. The magic users, who enforced my brother and I.”

- 4. “Do you know any of their names or locations?””I don’t know their names. They gave us fake ones.”

- 5. “What were the names they gave you?” – “We met with a man, who called himself Nehren and a woman, who called herself Seriza.”

Curious.

Very curious. And requiring further questioning.

Malak would ask again, after sharing his findings with the party.

- 1. “What did they use to compel you and the other dragon?” – “The same thing it always is. A fuck ton of cash.” They were bribed!

- 2. “What did the people that compelled you look like?” – “Well, the tiny one had a weird face, gray hair. Very old. And the woman, a heavier set woman. Human?!”

- 3. “Where did you first meet them? At the mountains, a little bit north of here. Right near the border.”

- 4. “Were they wearing any identifying marks? Jewelry, anything. Special cloaks.”- “No? I don’t think they did. This was like five years ago, man. One of them had this three headed dragon guy, which I found weird.”

- 5. “Did he have 3 heads or a symbol with 3 heads?”- “A symbol.”

Interesting info. They were hired. But it wasn’t clear if it was the work of the council. But one of them was a Fornas worshippers, the little graying man. A 3 headed Dragon symbol meant just that.

Why though? Why would a Fornas worshiper do this sort of cruelty?!

The party once again agree to proceed to Guan.

And so begin the days of travel once again.

On the first day, they go north and come across what one can tell are the remains of a town, just based on the slight shapes. There are visible peaks of what was once the town of Hertis. The travelers could hear faint whistling as they’d pass through. A jaunty little tune.

How jaunty? Jaunty enough that it slaps!

Following around a corner of the remains of a building, the group finds themselves in front of a lone tent. A campsite. This here seems to be a homemade farm with tomato plants in buckets. And the whistling is coming from inside the tent.

As though we are heard, the tune carries on with it’s performer stepping out to see their guests. And it is a female Kenku, 3ft tall and carrying firewood in her arms.

Most of them hadn’t seen one since the tournament, from the team of rogues, but as she speaks in a variety of intriguing voices, Luck and Belli remember hearing of this particularity of the Kenku before. They were cursed to not speak in their own voices, so they learned to mimic others’.

“Well hi!” Zooter would say in one voice. (which we later learned OOC was of the gril from session 3 or 4, who flirted with Belli).

From what the group can gather, Zooter, as she introduces herself, is a lil’ survivor, making a life out here for themselves.

The Cultbusters and the lone citizen, Zooter exchange pleasantries and foods. With the party giving her dried meats for a potato, much to her delight. To a point where she even states that if they ever need a safe spot to rest the night, she will offer them one.

(Seriously, Zooter has such a cool mix of voices. Scorpion among them.)

Surprisingly, from the corner of their eyes, Luck, Belli and Mournimar can see the inside of the tent. What the surprising thing is the small shrine to Ebriosus, which eventually also comes to Jun’s knowledge.

And she reaches into her wares, pulling out tens of platinum coins, which she hands Zooter and the two bond over their connection through Her.

Excited, Mournimar buys of the plant that would grow into the intoxicant “Steam Root” and through some big brain thinking, decides to plant it in the pot Malak bought for him.

(And many weed jokes were had.)

“You know? I loved you from the moment I saw you.” Zooter would say to Jun in another familiar voice, which she herself would specifically and only her recognize.

Later down the line, the group would carry on with their journey, parting ways with Zooter, the friendship made that day cherished forever.

And some good progress is made in travel.

On day 2, nothing really happens. If there’s any nasty shit in the desert, they see and avoid it. But that night, as they settle down, take their usual watches and the like, Jun has a dream to herself.

Day 3. That evening comes to a close and on the next day it’s very open dunes. They travel on more rocky/mountainous terrain. Very hilly. (And they are alive with the sound of music). Their awareness of our surroundings is good enough to where we’re safe. They sleep and nothing happens.

Day 4, the sand is less and the rock is more. Still wasteland, still no water They come across small streams at least once a day.

On the evening of the 5th day, Malak has a specific dream as well.

On day 6... They climb to the top of a little canyon that’s going on. Because they’re higher up, there’s no risk of danger. They get a feeling that for the next few days they’ll be pretty safe.

The 7th day comes and goes and on the 8th, Luctan has a dream. A promissing dream.

Then comes  Day 8.  Smooth as fuck.

Day 9.  They march and march on through and Arryn informs his travelmates that at this point today? They’ve been in Guan for a few days. He didn’t want to mention anything, ‘cause he didn’t want to jynx the group when they passed the border on day 6.

On day 9  the travelers come across to a barely a settlement. A few tents. Some lizard folk, the occasional kobold too. No farms, but there are caravans. We can tell they’ve been there for a while. On the outside, there is one Lizardfolk, more beefy than the rest.  And he is digging a hole. Diggy-diggy-hole.

He welcomes the party and proclaims that they are coming through in a good weather season. “Isn’t it lovely?“ Sand storms and humidity. Yep.  It’s been wild.

He introduces himself as  Eknam, the town burrier. So essentially, he is the undertaker of this settlement. Low on town people, but he’s optimistic that things are turning around. One of their ladies is swollen. So, it might be a big clutch!

They lost their town location, but what’s left of them, they’re called the Gromlets.  Eknam’s idea was Bog Creatures, but they have no bog.

They’re trying to find a place that’ll support them and the water supply isn’t tainted?! Aside from the side effects, there’s the whole limbs dropping off if you drink water 2 years in a row?!  Due to their resistances, it takes longer for the Lizardfolk to be affected, but for others? Much-much quicker.

Malak offers help and eventually clears the water for several days with Purify Food and Drink, while speaking to the settlers in draconic: “Hello, I’m the water technician. I’m here to clean your pipes.”

Greatful, Eknam welcomes the lot of them to Guan.

Eknam notes, upon us mentioning where they’re headed, that they’re going in the right direction of the capitol. Only have to go east and if they don’t get to it, they’d go north.

After some more directions, regarding going through the canyons, Eknam mentions that if the party bring them anything interesting they’d enjoy, they’d welcome the Cultbusters into the family.

While the directions are given,  Jun shifts into a lizard folk and searches for the pregnant lady, whom she finds in an open tent, resting comfortably, big and next to an egg that had recently been laid by her.  Bless her.

Jun congratulates her, before going off to search for the strongest camp person. Who would be Eknam in this case. The expecting mom’s a bit confused about the congratulations, but is grateful.

It is then that Jun talks with Eknam.

She asks him to keep her safe and sound from any harm. Eknam would ease her concern for what could be by stating how she is their highest priority. Always watched. Noting how every settler in the area kept a close eye on her tent.

“She is always our priority.”

Before the party leave, they give them some stuff to help them along with the developement of their settlement. Clothes and the like.

With goodbyes being made, the party would carry on to the next leg of the journey.

Previous Episode / Next Episode

[ramblian]

Jericho Thoughts

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhh

okay so. i’m rewatching jericho. i first watched it sometime around 8th-9th grade, I think maybe somewhere in the first half of 2014. I basically remembered this: the main character was the black sheep of the family, he came back to town, and atomic bombs destroyed most of the US, and the show was about the town dealing with the aftermath. the guy from continuum and one ep of flashpoint played a character i liked named dale (eric knudsen) who liked a popular girl who ended up befriending him, and the asking-for-flowers flashpoint ep guy was the responsible brother. Someone used to be a teacher. The main character looked like Skeet Ulrich, but i didn’t know who that was, just the name.

turns out the main character WAS Skeet Ulrich, and 2 characters (heather and emily) used to be teachers, and i apparently forgot almost all of the major characters. I’ve been rewatching it with the knowledge of which characters die, so that’s good. the show is really good, and it’s really intense. I’m almost done, and it’s tough to keep watching both because it’s so intense and because i know a character i like is about to die tragically. 

watching this show makes me so TENSE. i think it really got bad when goetz showed up and i knew bonnie’s death was coming up. i’ve been watching the same episode for like an hour and i started 6 minutes in from another viewing. i don’t know why i’m so stressed. well actually i do it’s because things in this show are AWFUL but i know that no one dies after bonnie.

i also really like that the plot is very much what drives the show. romantic relationships somewhat matter (eric/april/mary, dale/skylar, and stanley/mimi in particular get screentime, while jake’s relationships with emily and heather are there and meaningful but not something that drives the story or gets a lot of attention. dale and eric’s relationships have also been less important in season 2) but they are regularly sidelined while the character deal with the latest crisis. characters have backstories that aren’t always super expanded on, like johnston’s chaotic neutral dad or stanley and bonnie’s parents, because they don’t have a meaningful impact on the plot- how mimi grew up isn’t going to change how the Greens deal with food shortages. 

also, i love that it’s a post-apocalyptic show where there’s a lot of fighting and lawlessness and not once have they used rape as a plot device. the closest it ever came to being mentioned was when maggie, a survivor pretending to be military to get towns’ supplies, said that ‘out there, men only want women for one thing’ and that’s IT. i respect that so much. way too many shows and books and movies are like ‘things are bad... and we can only express that through rape’ but this show never does

also the grey morality is very well done in season 1 (the bad guys are clearer in season 2). characters fight and do shitty things because everyone is just trying to survive. Constantino was wrong to start a war with Jericho, but i also understand where he was coming from. Ravenwood ransacked New Bern and left them with almost nothing, and Jericho never bothered to warn them. There were some people considering not honoring the deal to repay the windmills in food. New Bern was on the brink of destruction and Constantino tried to get the resources for survival where he could, by force. The thing with the refugees too. There isn’t really enough food for everyone, and it’s true that Jericho’s been getting a lot of refugees when it’s barely managing to sustain its own population. Some of the refugees have been stealing from them, and sometimes you have to make tricky decisions to survive. But the refugees are also probably going to die if they get sent away, and understandably they cannot accept that. they’ve been stealing food to prepare for this possibility, and they are willing to be violent to secure their place because jericho is much better off than just about anywhere else and they don’t want to die. Roger gets in a fight with Gray and accidentally shoots him, but then actively chooses to hold him at gunpoint and refuse him medical help unless he guarantees the safety of the other refugees. That’s obviously awful- but he’s also trying to protect the lives of the 50 innocent people he brought here. In the end, the refugees get to stay because some Jericho residents volunteer to share their rations, but Roger does not because he obviously committed a terrible crime. He’s not a bad person, but of course he can’t just be forgiven and integrated back into Jericho like nothing happened, and he accepts that and leaves with only a gun from Jake to protect himself because at least the others and emily will be safe. 

also that emily and roger’s relationship wasn’t made meaningless in order to further her relationship with jake even despite their history as high school sweethearts.

oh god i just watched the scene where stanley’s talking to bonnie in the morgue and it’s so well done and i’m just in bed crying- not sobbing or anything, but plenty of tears. i don’t know what the last show to make me cry like this was; i’ve been watching so much youtube that i haven’t been watching a lot of hard hitting shows lately i guess. Barry was extremely Fucked Up, that might have made me cry, but it might not have- it had me fucked up for weeks, but i don’t know if i cried.

anyway the scene with stanley and bonnie in the morgue is so good. Stanley talking to her like she’s still alive the way they always did for their parents, and talking to her sign language bc that’s her language. Telling her to say hi to their parents. Letting her know that mimi is still alive, that she succeeded in protecting her, and thanking her for it. Still joking around a little even though he’s obviously heartbroken and just being so genuine with her. Neither of them deserved this. 

wow can’t believe heather is a fuckin bootlicker, knowing that the government is extremely corrupt and that she and beck are destroying new bern and choosing to continue to work for that government.

oh beck just has to be some sort of a stupid son of a bitch. absolute goddamn buffoon. siding with the govt, arresting jake in the shadiest way possible in the middle of a crowd, choosing to torture jake (which if he knew a goddamn thing like hawkins did he would know was ineffective), and then thinking that after everything this town and those rangers have done to protect themselves and their loved ones that it was just going to work out for him like the others aren’t going to come for jake immediately and efficiently. i liked beck well enough before but any fondness or respect for him is fucking absolutely gone.

at least eric is really getting to show off his leadership skills now. johnston’s dead, jake’s been arrested/kidnapped, hawkins is busy with other shit. eric’s always one of the second-in-commands but this is one of the few times he’s just plain in command.

“your friends have escalated this to a level i will not tolerate” right but you dragging jake to a fuckin blacksite to torture him was fine???? YOU ESCALATED THIS YOU DUMB STUPID SON OF A BITCH. you have really been given so many chances this season to not serve an evil government and try to protect these people and you’ve failed almost every time, huh? he’d also have to be some sort of an idiot to think that a clearly faked note with jake’s signature saying ‘this bad’ would stop anyone. god i haven’t escalated to hating someone this much so quickly in a long fuckin time.

love how beck is leveraging the entire town of jericho and choosing to oppress them in order to get the rangers to turn themselves in <3 i love punishing innocent people to use them against others just like goetz did last episode <3 what a good guy

i dont know why there are so many beck fics on ao3 because this man fucking sucks. like, can you imagine refusing a whole town food, power, and lights as a bargaining chip, blaming someone else (”don’t forget, you caused this”) and then still thinking you have the moral high ground? incredible mental gymnastics when will beck be in the olympics

heather: your actions are so blatantly terrible that i am just now beginning to consider not defending you to everyone. take responsibility for what you do

beck: hmm. no. my choices are jake’s fault

i know beck is probably going to ‘redeem’ himself by the end of the episode but i don’t fuckin care. too late for him now he can’t just say ‘oops’ and pretend he hasn’t done all of this shit. wild how his actions are now literally being compared to those of nazis during wwii and people still like this guy.

hey do you think beck is an idiot asshole or just pretending to be one for fun

commanding officer: go ahead and destroy everything in the area

beck:  🤔 is killing all those people wrong?

oof rip eric sure is rough when you have to ally with the guy who tortured you and killed your dad to protect ur city but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. also where the hell has dale been? i’ll let it go bc the show isn’t consistent on when he shows up and is a major part of town but in universe it sure is fuckin weird, and you know beck would have dragged him in for questioning too

oh wow beck finally decided to actually try thinking critically and addressing the obvious evidence about cheyenne’s corruption. that makes up for everything and i can stan now /s

‘i’m no longer taking orders from the cheyenne government. i believe it’s corrupt at its core. its actions are criminal’ oh so like everyone’s been telling you this whole time? the actions like the ones you’ve taken, not even at anyone’s command? idiot.

lmao i’m not as opposed to constantino’s methods as the show thinks i’m supposed to be. a revolution against a corrupt, oppressive government is not peaceful. it cannot be. the only good fascist is a dead one.

[a-secondhand-sorrow]

supermarket flowers

I love Zoe and I’m Sad

trigger warnings: suicide mention, implied abuse, swearing

title from supermarket flowers by ed sheeran bc I’m basic

read on ao3

***

Even through the haze of grief right after Connor died, there were moments that stuck through. Moments of clarity, of happiness, of extreme sorrow. Moments when she could see everything through her old viewpoint, even when she could barely stand without feeling like she was falling.

Even years later, Zoe remembered the endless arrival of cut flowers.

After news got around, it seemed like the doorbell was ringing at all hours with another flower delivery, or lasagna, or flower delivery, or unannounced company, or flower delivery, or sympathy card, or flower delivery—

It came to the point where the doorbell ringing echoed around her brain just as much as Connor’s voice did, although with the former it really was ringing half of the time. It was certainly more than she heard either of her parents speak in that time, and more than she felt like speaking herself. The pleasantries between delivery people where the only words she spoke with another human, really, in those days.

(It wasn’t like she could muster much more energy to engage her parents or see her friends, not when her head felt like it was stuffed with cotton and there was a voice-no, a ringing-no, a voice-or was it a ringing?-constantly at work.)

Pretty soon, she was choking under the sheer number; vases of flowers lined every flat surface in the house common areas, peppered with cards and notes. Some actually brightened her spirits whereas others just sunk her right back down. Cynthia adored them, often wandering into the kitchen to view them while she took a break from staring into space on the couch and crying. Larry couldn’t get far away enough from them, retreating even further into his proverbial shell, and Zoe was starting to understand why as she found herself face-to-face with another flower at every turn.

She didn’t need tons of flowers to remind her of what had happened. She appreciated the gesture, sure, but her family didn’t need another flower arrangement delivered to their door when they barely began to puncture the broken bubble taking all of the air in their home. The flowers made it real yet detached, like something out of a movie. She knew no one sending the flowers really understand what that grief felt like. And she didn’t hold it against them. They couldn’t possibly know that, for her, it was as though her life had just been completely demolished in the space of one final breath.

The flowers wouldn’t fill Connor’s seat at the table. The flowers couldn’t erase all of the times he’d screamed at Zoe ‘til he’d gone hoarse. The flowers wouldn’t fill some brother-sized hole in their family. The flowers couldn’t erase Connor’s dead body from their minds.

The flowers couldn’t hurt her like Connor did.

(And there were so many it was possible they were going to start taking over Connor’s seat, but in the poetic flow of the moment Zoe chose to overlook that fact.)

She also just didn’t have the heart to remind her parents she was allergic to pollen.

She was at the kitchen table—with all of the flowers, and a slab of lasagna even though she hasn’t been hungry in a week—when she googled something she knew she’d regret.

As she pulled her phone out of her back pocket, she could’ve sworn she saw Connor looking at her from across the table, but when she looked up all she saw was a judgemental poppy staring at her.

She stared back for a moment before swiping Google up and keying in the letters of her search.

showing results for Connor Murphy obituary

She never actually read it before then. Either Larry or Cynthia had written it some point between the hospital and the wake, but Zoe hadn’t brought herself to be able to care enough to read it. She was too caught up in how screwed up it was, that at sixteen she had to worry about shit like what the obituary for her brother would be or what to wear to the funeral.

But there was nothing else to do, since some foreign part of her felt guilty when she hid away in her room instead of suffering it out with her parents. All of the contact made something just under her skin itch, and the pollen was starting to make her feel a little loopy, as well as the fact that the shock was starting to wear off and the reality of Connor being gone had sunk in. She’d pushed it away, still expecting Connor to come flying into her room in the dead of night and threaten to kill her just as their new normal had become. The frozen reality of it still thawed slowly and steadily, trickling its way through cracks into her memory.

Pushing away her fears, she clicked on the first link, screen smooth against her calloused thumb.

Connor Murphy, 17, passed away surrounded by family early Tuesday morning at St. Peter’s hospital. Connor was a high school student at Woodcreek High and had just begun his senior year. Connor is survived by his younger sister Zoe, 16, and his parents Larry, 49, and Cynthia, 48.

A beloved son, brother, and friend, Connor was an avid reader and could frequently be found at the Woodcreek Public Library at nights and on weekends ever since he began his trips with his parents as a young boy. On several occasions, he discussed his love of the book The Little Prince, being able to read it fluently both in English and in its native French.

Wake services will take place at the Morris Funeral Home from 5 to 8 PM on Thursday the 8th of September. A private funeral service for family will take place the following day. At his parent’s request, donations can be made to the National Suicide Prevention Center at the following link.

That was it, save for directions to the funeral home.

Zoe read the blurbs again, searching more and more as though it could provide some insight as to who her brother actually is-was. But there was nothing there. It was quick, polished, forgiving of her ‘beloved’ brother. She felt anger coil in her, tight around her heart. Where was the real part of his life, the parts where he spent all his free time getting high and terrorizing Zoe? Where was the part about how he loved weed more than his family? Where was the part about how he spent the past few years trying and failing to kill himself? Where was the part about how he tried to take Zoe down with him? Where was the part where he decided destroying anything near him was preferable to getting help?

(Going to the library every night. Please. She and her parents knew plenty well he wasn’t haunting the library when he wasn’t home ‘till 2 AM.)

His favorite book was the Little Prince. She didn’t even know that.

Maybe Cynthia was right. Was she was too caught up in every bad part to even try to find a positive?

(Did he go to the library? It’s not like she ever asked.)

(But that he would have told her. Or been civil.)

Her throat constricted and her already pollen-itchy eyes began to water as she wondered why she was even crying. He didn’t deserve her knowing his favorite book. He was broken beyond what Zoe could help. She’d tried to help him, she’d tried to give him her love, but all he’d done was throw her trust away time after time.

She’d tried to help.

Because there’s Zoe, she remembered, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe.

She didn’t really believe herself.

She didn’t even know his favorite book. She’d learned it from his obituary, where every past tense verb hit her like a punch in the gut.

(Where she’d been mentioned as a throwaway, a survivor, nothing more than an add-on to her brother’s life, just as she had been while he still lived and breathed. Where it treated surviving as some kind of privilege rather than a duty, a duty she now had to carry since he hadn’t been willing or able to do so. Where she almost felt bad for not being the name the obituary shared, in some kind of fucked up survivors’ guilt, even though it felt more like survivors’ envy.)

She’d learned something as juvenile as his favorite book from his obituary, sitting at the kitchen table, surrounded by cut flowers, at age 16.

Zoe shook her head quickly, hair swishing around her face. The tiny sting against her cheeks focused her just a tiny bit, the din of tuning and his voice pausing.

She just wanted to feel normal. But there was nothing normal about her life, at that moment. Her father was home from work, hiding in the basement or his room or maybe even plain sight, just blending into the walls of the living room. Her mother had barely moved from the couch in several days, too distraught to walk past her brother’s room. She was home on a Monday afternoon in September, all school work forgiven. She’d just learned her brother’s favorite book from an obituary she’d looked up online. She was sitting in a kitchen that practically doubled as a plant nursery, eyes so itchy they were ready to fall out.

She wasn’t sure if she wanted to laugh or cry.

A day or two after Connor died, Cynthia had announced the family was going to grief counseling, the first session being that Monday afternoon. Zoe already had an appointment scheduled with the school counselor for when she finally returned to school. She didn’t know why. She was coping just fine. Connor was an abusive jerk and her life was easier without him there to kick down her door.

She knew what would come next. The counselor would ask her to say out loud what he put her through, and it would all sound stupid once she said it, but she’d still get pushed too far and probably have a panic attack or something and all the while the counselor would be saying she’d been misinterpreting his behavior and she’d never given him a chance and she clearly should have given him a supportive network rather than been self-absorbed and taking it personally. She’d have to excuse herself to go to the bathroom and to work herself down from sinking to the floor and breathing until her lungs gave out, all because she didn’t know how to explain just why she took what he said so personally, how much every word he spoke hurt, how much she grieved him while he still stood in front of her. She’d engineer some lie to tell Cynthia so she’d never have to go back, but only once her pulse had calmed down and the tears had dried on her cheeks.

She was just fine without the counseling.

At least if she could stop sneezing from all the damn pollen.

And then she was crying, even though she didn’t really know why she was crying. Pressing a hand over her mouth, she tried to cover the sobs for a moment before she finally gave in and lay her head on the table in her arms.

Only when she pushed her arms out, they collided with a vase of carnations.

Before she even really knew what she was doing, that anger coiled up in her again and she batted out a hand, sending the flowers in their vase toppling to the floor with a shatter that evoked one too many nights in the Murphy household.

She stayed like that for a moment, letting her heart rate slow down even as her hand stayed raised. She could swear she heard a cruel, taunting laugh filling up the room, and her hand flickered with a ghost of chipped black nail polish.

Seems more like something I would do then you. Don’t worry, though, I’m impressed. Guess you do take after me, after all?

Zoe was up in a flash, hand gripping her fork so hard her knuckles paled to white, a bit of lasagna flying off of it when she spun around.

The kitchen was empty, besides her.

She threw the fork back to the table, savoring the clink it made as she remembered that he was gone and nothing more than a voice in her head and a phantom memory.

As she eased herself back down, she tried to forget about the flowers around her and the old memories of what had happened at the table. There were some things that she didn’t want to drudge up, especially while tears were still drying on her face.

Neither of her parents had even made a sound when she’d broken the vase. She thought about cleaning it up, and wondered if she was a bad person for wanting to leave it for Larry or Cynthia to take care of.

Because she really wanted to. They’d always left Zoe to clean up her own messes while they ran after Connor putting out all the fires he set. Now that Connor was gone, it was much of the same. They’d barely stopped to ask Zoe if she was okay, much less tried to help her get through it.

Which she didn’t need. Obviously. It just would’ve been nice to know they remembered that they had a daughter, one who had real feeling and problems, not just a son who was (a sharp inhale drawn from nose, eyelids fluttering) six feet under ground.

Before she could fully decide what to do with the vase, a knock sounded from the front door. A frown creased her face, unused to a knock rather than the doorbell (the damn doorbell) running. She paused for a minute, a waiting game to see if either of her parents would make a move towards the door and not leave their only (another sharp inhale, paired with a bitter half-laugh and quirk of the lip she knew exactly the cause of yet really didn’t want to think about) child to do all the work.

Neither made a sound, as usual. She would think she was the only one left if she didn’t know better.

Silently cursing whoever invented flower deliveries for the umpteenth time that week, Zoe padded her way through the kitchen and down the hall towards the door. She couldn’t see anyone through the window, but she opened the door anyway. There was no one in sight, and she nearly eased the door back shut and slunk back down the hallway. At the last second, she looked down at the mat to see-

More flowers-colorful, mockingly cheery, aggressive.

At first she was angry, but as the sight of the flowers got processed in her sluggish, tired brain, she could tell that they were different from the ones inside of her house. They weren’t cut. Instead they were potted in a plastic pot, looking a little sad even though they were so abundant. They looked like something you’d pass at the supermarket. Zoe didn’t know much about flowers, but she did know these were bright. A folded-up note was stuck on top of the pot, Zoe scrawled on the front in unfamiliar handwriting.

These were hand delivered, and they were for her, specifically. Not her family. Not for “their loss.”

For her.

With a twinge, Zoe realized she couldn’t remember the last time she’d had something all for herself.

After a moment’s pause, Zoe bent to pick the pot up, sticking out one hand to pluck the paper from the flowers. Without thinking she sniffed them before immediately turning to sneeze into her elbow.

If she never saw another flower after that, it would be too soon.

Damn pollen. Damn allergies. Damn doorbell.

Once she got to the kitchen table after sidestepping the broken vase, she unfolded the note.

Dear Zoe,

I know that everything can be a little overwhelming, and I saw that you had a lot of flowers, so I thought that having some of your own that will (hopefully) survive a little longer than the cut ones couldn’t hurt. (Too many flowers over all? This may have been a poor plan, in hindsight.) But I know I feel a lot better when taking care of a plant or two. It’s calming for me at least, so maybe it can be a little calming for you, too.

Things might be a little chaotic, now, but I know you’ll pull through, and hopefully this little plant will with you.

-Evan

Zoe smiled almost imperceptibly, a tiny little quirk of the lips, but it was more than she had smiled in what felt like a long time. She glanced over at the other side of the table where Evan Hansen had sat for dinner a few nights previously before looking back at the flowers he’d given her.

They were a little sad, but she figured she could get them to perk up again with work and a little time, and probably some google searches. Maybe she’d even forget about Connor and the upcoming therapy session for a minute while she tried.

The flowers were kind of cute, really. And it was nice of Evan to drop them off, given he didn’t know her at all. Hopefully she wouldn’t kill them too, just like it seemed she killed everything else.

She sneezed again, her allergies taunting her and asking her if that was what she really wanted.

Stepping over the shards of glass and heading to the kitchen for some water, she decided that, well, it certainly couldn’t hurt to give those supermarket flowers a second chance at life.

[tanadrin]

Reordberend

(part 18 of ?; first; previous; next)

They went on, down through the rough, channeled terrain at the mouth of the valley, down onto the icy strip of land that lay between the hills and the sea. There was no path here, no markers of any kind, and Katherine wondered how far she was from the place where she’d come ashore. Finally, as the twilight glow on the horizon had begun to fade, Ælfric started walking a little faster, moving with more purpose. Katherine had the feeling they were getting close to their destination.

They rounded a rocky outcrop that jutted up through the ice and snow, a big dark shoulder of the land; and on the other side, framed against the dark sky, was an immense shape. Katherine couldn’t make heads or tails of it at first; it was too top-heavy to be a hill. As they got closer, she realized it was the hull of a ship. A pretty big one, to be all alone out here on the shore, maybe two hundred meters from one end to the other. When they were close enough for their lanterns to cast light on it, she saw white-painted walls, streaked with dark rust; great big holes in the side, some clearly made by hands scavenging steel, some, perhaps, the result of reefs or weathering. Katherine paused near the bow, and lifted her lantern-staff up, trying to make out the markings high above her head. WINC- -R was all she could read.

“Come,” Ælfric said. He led her along the keel of the bent-over ship, until they came to a crack at ground level that seemed to go all the way up to the top; it was big enough for several people to walk abreast into. She could see stars through it. It ran all the way through the ship, as though it had been ripped in half. They went in, and Katherine found the ruin provided a decent shelter against the the constant shore-wind. It was actually pretty peaceful inside. But the looming darkness overhead did unnerve her a little.

“Be careful,” Ælfric said. “Stay close. This place is old; it is dangerous.”

But he went confidently forward; he seemed to know the path. They did not go up; they walked through what must have been the cargo hold, until they came at last to the far end of the stern. Old crates and pieces of debris littered the ground here; the floor beneath them was ripped away, exposing ice-free, stony ground. Ælfric leaned his staff against a bulkhead, then went to a big bowl-shaped thing in the middle of the space; Katherine couldn’t see what he was doing at first, and then a fire roared to life, beating back some of the darkness. Ælfric dragged a crate a little closer to the brazier, then sat down on it, stretching his legs out in front of him and letting out a long breath. He suddenly looked rather tired. The bright firelight threw the lines of his weather-beaten face into deep relief. He motioned for Katherine to sit, too.

“Is this ship what you wanted to show me?” Katherine asked.

“Almost. Not yet,” was all Ælfric said. He took some jerky from his pack, and tore it in half; they ate together in silence for a few minutes. Then Ælfric stood, and walked to the very back of the room. Katherine followed.

There, where the ragged, torn bulkhead met the ground, there were seven long, low mounds scraped in the dirt. Above them, on the steel plate, gouged into the surface, were drawings. Faces, animals, words. Words, Katherine suddenly realized, she could read without effort, words in English. The largest were names and numbers. Dates, actually. Katherine realized she was looking at graves.

“What is this place?”

“Look,” Ælfric said. “Read.”

Katherine read. ALFRED ROBERTS. 2175-2229. Of Milwkee, Wisc. Even after all other dfficulties, our dparture ws delayd--the govt of NZ refused at 1st to give us permission, saying they did nt wish to be rsponsible fr our rescue. Dspite our assurance, tht we neither dsired nor needed thr assistance, they hindered us 4 weeks. Then very bad weather; we cd not set sail. JULIA TOAL. 2182-2222. Dparted 8th May, far later thn hoped. Winter closing quickly. Too late in summer by far. Bt we were unanimous; would nt wait another year. Wd accept any difficulty, for wht we wished to accomplish. PERRY MILLER. 2160-2219.

It was a record of a journey, interspersed with names and years. There were many more names here than just seven; if these were dates of birth and death, all these people had died frightfully young.

Ælfric pointed to the first name. “Ælfræd, son of Lawrence. His son was Ælfwine; Ælfwine’s daughter was Ælfgyfu; Ælfgyfu’s daughter was Ælfsteorra; Ælfsteorra was my mother. He is my ancestor.”

“What happened here?”

Ælfric looked at Katherine, puzzled. “What do you mean?”

“These dates.” Katherine pointed at the first few names. “Dates of death?”

“Yes. Ælfræd died in the tenth year. Julia, in the third. Perry, in the first.”

“They were not old.”

Ælfric cocked his head. “This land makes old men of the young. It carries off the child and the father and mother alike. The first years here were the hardest of all.”

“But there are only seven graves here.”

“No.”

Ælfric took his lantern-staff up, and pointed it down, back the way they had come. In the brighter light of the fire, Katherine could see that this was not the only bare patch of ground here in the cargo hold; the floor had been pulled up in even intervals, down along the length of the ship, all the way back to the place they had entered from. There were more than forty more graves here.

“These were men and women honored among us,” Ælfric said, indicating the seven graves they now stood next to. “But many gave their lives in the landtaking. It was not easy. Few had dared to try to make a home in this land of winters before we came. None tried for a long time after. It seems, from all you have told us, that they even forgot we were here.”

“You must have come during troubled times.” Katherine looked at the dates again. “Right in the middle of the Collapse. You might have even been alone here for many decades.” Katherine had done a bit of research on the history of the continent before she came. Amundsen-Scott had closed right around the turn of the century; McMurdo had lasted only a decade or so longer. For most of the 23rd century, the only human presence in Antarctica had been a few Chilean and Argentinian bases on the Peninsula, a desultory claim to what everybody thought of as a worthless patch of ice, held on to more for reasons of national pride than anything else.

The hundred years or so from the middle of the 22nd century to the middle of the 23rd had not been a good time for anybody. For various reasons, the whole human race at once had seemed to find itself in the middle of a dark forest, with no clear way forward. A vision of the future that it had carried with it, in one form or another, for centuries, the vision of steady (if not monotonic) forward progress, the vision of hope, the vision of a world they could make better eventually (even if they did not know how just at the moment) had absented itself. And instead, for a long time, nations started looking inward. Governments feared to look weak, feared to rely on their neighbors, feared that expressing hope for peace and prosperity made them seem naive. Instead, they seemed to decide, now was the time for all the serious people to admit, once again, that struggle was the real truth of existence.

It wasn’t that civilization fell. The Collapse was a fairly dramatic name for the period, albeit one that had stuck, because to many of the people living through it, it did feel like the end of the world. What it had really been was a series of political and economic shocks. Even throughout that entire century, the world had not stayed still. There was new art, new technology, new ambitions, if you knew where to look. But the tenor of the era was one of paranoia, nativism, and tyranny. Katherine’s own homeland had spent the better part of it under a series of right-wing dictatorships. Other parts of the world--India, China, Japan--had fared much worse.

It had broken, like a fever ending, in the 2250s. There were lots of reasons: advancements in technology and medicine, and the economic revolutions of the global south finally ended the endless series of shocks and recessions that had plagued the world. Geoengineering finally stabilized the climate. Some even said the real credit went to the artistic revolutions of the era. That it stopped being unfashionable to dream again, to imagine what a utopian future could look like. And all that long darkness--and all the time before it--had been repressed. Not forgotten, exactly. But you didn’t like to dwell on it. That was the dark ages. Nevermind that it had not been all that dark. That many millions had lived and struggled (and wept and laughed) in that time, that it was a time as suffused with human life as any. It was painful to think about. And so, few people did. Katherine was just as guilty of that as anybody. Why trap yourself in the past, when there is a bright and endless future ahead of you?

“Why did they come here, Ælfric? If it was going to be so hard?”

Ælfric gave Katherine… a look. She wasn’t sure what kind of look. Like he was sizing her up. Or nailing her down.

“You survived.”

“What?”

“You survived. You are a survivor.”

“I don’t understand.”

Ælfric nodded, more to himself than anything. “Mæwstan found you on the shore, three days from here, after you had walked God alone knows what distance; we found the rest of your ship some days later, and the crew. They were all dead. Killed by the storm that marooned you here, or by the freezing sea. You should not have lived.”

“I’m not baseline, like you. I have, uh,” Katherine searched for the word, “I have improvements. Machines, in my body.”

“Your machinae have not functioned since you came here.”

Katherine stiffened, startled. “How do you know that?”

“I have watched you. You have suffered fatigue, soreness, pain. You have eaten with us, eaten our food, and had pains in your gut.” Well, that was embarassing. No, the food had not always agreed with her. “You have slept badly. The long nights, they make you depressed. Anxious. I have watched you closely, outlander Katherine. You have endured what few outlanders would endure, or could. I have noticed. Also, Leofe told me.

“I was wrong to want you exiled. In my defense, I did not think it would be your death, not truly. Perhaps it was wishful thinking. Perhaps I wished to absolve myself of that guilt. But I really thought that one who had walked the ice from the northern shore would find a way to survive, even if we turned her out of our hearths. But that was wrong. Even if it were true, you did not deserve that, and I am sorry.”

He said it flatly, like he was simply observing a fact of nature. The ice is cold. Penguins like to swim. I was wrong to try to have you killed. Katherine resisted the urge to give him a hug.

“It is the prejudice of my people that all outlanders are weak of spirit. That they do not know what they live for, and so they do not know how to fight for it. Perhaps it is not so. Perhaps some of you are strong. Leofe also said you are not like the other outlanders; that you come from a people apart even in your homeland. A people who have not forgotten their past, and so are not wholly of the present. If that is so, I see now why John sent you to us. You alone, perhaps, could understand.

“So understand this. Our foremothers and our forefathers came here because they could do nothing else. Those were grim years in the countries they hailed from. Years of dark hearts, years of narrow sight. Years in which the troubles of the world pressed in on them, hard like a prison, from which they could not escape.

“This--” and he gestured at the carved steel surfaces around them “--this is the annals of the first years of our people. It is written also in our books, but I wanted you to see with your own eyes, how it was at the beginning. The letters we carved into the hard metal and the graves we scratched into the hard ground. Because in the hardness is a lesson.

“They were not hard people, not at the beginning. We do not prize hardness of heart. We are not cruel, whatever--whatever our failings may sometimes be. We do not value cruelty. Because we would not be cruel, because we would not admit the darkness into our hearts, because we would not surrender, we could not remain. Perry, Julia, Alice, the others buried here, they kept a jewel hidden in their breasts, a jewel which burned like fire, a jewel which even in the long darkness to which no Antarctic winter can compare, warmed them and gave them purpose.

“They wanted a place where they could be themselves. Where they could, despite the purposes of other men and women, build a community of the heart. But how could they do that? The world was crowded and claimed, with high walls at every turn. They were few in number. There was only one place where the laws and walls did not run.”

“Antarctica?”

Ælfric nodded.

“The land of many winters. They bought a ship. They gathered all the things they needed; they expected much hardship. Even so, it was harder. But they fared forth, came to these icy shores, and sought a refuge here.”

“You make it sound almost religious.”

“The separation of the religious from the secular is a contrivance of your world, Katherine. We do not have a religion you would recognize, but yes, we are religious in our fashion. And we do not separate that from the other elements of our life.”

“You make it sound like you’re primitivists. Some kind of intentional throwback.”

“Ha!” Ælfric seemed to be genuinely amused by this. “That because we speak a dead tongue, we wish to recreate a dead people? A dead culture? Do you think we are Angles in spirit? Playing at the ancient world?”

“You live a difficult life. Not unlike the people who spoke your tongue before.”

“Our foremothers and forefathers did choose this tongue for a reason--but it was not because they fancied themselves ancient folk of Britain. I don’t think any of them were even English.

“They chose it because it had been forgotten. The study of the past was deeply unfashionable in their day. I gather, from your ignorance, it has grown only more so since they set out. They wanted a language that they could make their own. And they wanted a language they could give to the voiceless land that they chose to inhabit. We spoke of names before, yes? They wanted a new tongue for their landscape, both the landscape around them and the landscape within themselves. They sought a new understanding of what was possible for them. They sought something the world around them lacked--hope.”

“And they needed a new language to find that?”

“Or an old one. A language from a time when, as then, the world seemed to be dreary, and speeding towards its end. A language from a time when the people huddled together on a cold island surrounded by the deep, dark sea, and wondered what lay beyond it. A language from a time when we knew what value the knowledge of the past held, and we husbanded every little scrap of it, fearful to lose the meagerest portion, lest we forget it was possible to hope for a better future. We, of course, do not look to Christ for our salvation, as they did. We find it in different places. But we find it.”

“The world has changed, you know. It’s not half so dark, or half so dreary. It’s been a long time since the time of your forefathers and foremothers. Why do you stay here, where life is hard, where you have to struggle to survive? Why not rejoin the world?”

“We would not lose ourselves.”

“The world is a big place. It has room enough for you.”

Ælfric shook his head. “Not for us. You are too optimistic. You do not understand. Our tale does not end with our arrival on these shores. It does not end with our move from the wreck to the Valleys. It does not end with our adoption of the Tongue, and our building of the fanes. You do not yet understand. Maybe you will, in time. But not yet.”

With that, as if Katherine had somehow transgressed, Ælfric’s urge to speak seemed to end. He sat quietly, staring into the fire, leaving Katherine to peruse the writings on the wall on her own. So she read. She read the record of the first years of the Dry Valleys People, read the records of their deaths and their griefs, the records of the things that had driven them forth, and of the hope they retained, even when it seemed to her they had little enough to hope for. The cramped, telegraphic style of the language only got more so as it went along, and then it began to lapse into the new tongue, and then it ended; and when it did, Katherine looked back at Ælfric. He was asleep now, wrapped up in a bedroll close to the fire. Katherine suddenly realized just how tired she was, and using her pack as a pillow, lay down next to him. She closed her eyes, listening to the rushing of the wind through the bones of the old ship, and before she knew it, she was asleep, and dreaming of the sea.

[turningpagebooks]

BLOG TOUR | EXCERPT: “White Stag” by Kara Barbieri

I don't know about you, but I love books about goblins. They're intense, dark, lush. When I started reading White Stag, I was immediately drawn into the story.

I was so excited to be part of the blog tour. Thanks, Wednesday Books!

ABOUT THE BOOK

PUBLICATION DATE: January 8th, 2019

In an exciting collaboration with Wattpad, an online community for readers and writers to publish and enjoy each other’s work, Wednesday Books will be publishing White Stag by Kara Barbieri.

Based in a dark and violent world, Janneke’s journey in the Permafrost is addictive and immersive. This expansive fantasy already has a strong online following. Thousands of fans immediately jumped on board when Barbieri first posted her story to Wattpad. Using their own Story DNA, Wattpad was able to see that readers were spending more time reading WHITE STAG than any of their other top fantasy works. Today, the story has over one million reads with Wednesday Books publishing a revised and expanded version in print.

White Stag, the first book in a brutally stunning series by Kara Barbieri, involves a young girl who finds herself becoming more monster than human and must uncover dangerous truths about who she is and the place that has become her home.

As the last child in a family of daughters, seventeen-year-old Janneke was raised to be the male heir. While her sisters were becoming wives and mothers, she was taught to hunt, track, and fight. On the day her village is burned to the ground, Janneke—as the only survivor—is taken captive by the malicious goblin Lydian and eventually sent to work for his nephew Soren.

Janneke’s survival in the court of merciless monsters has come at the cost of her connection to the human world. And when the Goblin King’s death ignites an ancient hunt for the next king, Soren senses an opportunity for her to finally fully accept the ways of the brutal Permafrost. But every action he takes to bring her deeper into his world only shows him that a little humanity isn’t bad—especially when it comes to those you care about.

Through every battle they survive, Janneke’s loyalty to Soren deepens even as she tries to fight her growing attraction to him. After dangerous truths are revealed, Janneke must choose between holding on or letting go of her last connections to a world she no longer belongs to. She must make the right choice to save the only thing keeping both worlds from crumbling.

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Buy it on: Amazon CA | Chapters Indigo | Barnes & Noble | Amazon US

EXCERPT

1

MASQUERADE

THE FIRST THING I learned as a hunter was how to hide. There was a skill in disappearing in the trees like the wind and merging into the river like stones; masquerading yourself as something you weren’t was what kept you alive in the end. Most humans didn’t think the masquerade was as important as the kill, and most humans ended up paying for it with their lifeblood.

Here, as the only mortal in a hall of monsters, I was very glad that I was not most humans.

I kept my steps silent and my back straight as I passed beneath the white marble pillars. My eyes flickered around me every so often, counting hallways, retracing my steps, so I could escape at a moment’s notice. The Erlking’s palace was treacherous, full of twists and turns, stairways that led into nowhere, and places where the hallways dropped to gaping chasms. According to Soren, there were also hollow spaces in the walls where you could slink around unnoticed to the mundane and the monstrous eye, but you could hear and see all that went on in the open world. The lair of a king, I thought bitterly. I dared not say it out loud in case someone was near. But beside me, Soren sensed my disgust and made a sound deep in his throat. It could’ve been agreement.

Soren examined his king’s palace with the usual contempt; his cold, calculating eyes took in everything and betrayed nothing. His lips turned down in a frown that was almost etched permanently into his face. Sometimes I forgot he was capable of other expressions. He didn’t even smile when he was killing things; as far as goblins went, that was a symptom of chronic depression. He lifted his bored gaze at the gurgling, choking sound coming from his right, and it took all my willpower not to follow his line of sight. When I felt the subtle whoosh of power transfer from one body to the next, my fingers twitched to where I’d slung my bow, only to remember too late that it had been left at the entrance of the keep in accordance with ancient tradition.

A scream echoed off the cavernous passageways as we made our way to the great hall where everyone gathered. It sent chills down my spine with its shrillness before it was abruptly cut off. Somehow, that made me shiver even more. Ancient tradition and custom aside, nothing could stop a goblin from killing you if that was what they desired. My hand reached for my nonexistent bow again, only to be captured by cold, pale fingers.

Soren’s upper lip curled, but his voice was low and steady. “The next time you reach for a weapon that isn’t there might be the last time you have hands to reach with,” he warned. “A move like that will invite conflict.”

I yanked myself away from his grip and suppressed the urge to wipe my hand on my tunic like a child wiping away cooties. “Force of habit.”

Soren shook his head slightly before continuing on, his frown deepening with each step he took.

“Don’t look so excited. Someone might get the wrong idea.”

He raised a fine white eyebrow at me. “I don’t look excited. I’m scowling.”

I bit back a sigh. “It’s sarcasm.”

“I’ve told you before, I don’t understand it,” he said.

“None of goblinkind understands sarcasm,” I said. “In another hundred years I’m going to lose my understanding completely.”

Another hundred years. It hadn’t hit me yet, not until I said it out loud. Another hundred years. It had been a hundred years since my village was slaughtered, a hundred years as a thrall in Soren’s service. Well, ninety-nine years and eight months, anyway, but who’s counting? Despite the century passing by, I still looked the same as I had when I was forcefully brought into this cursed land. Or, at least, mostly; the scars on my chest hadn’t been there a hundred years ago, and the now-hollow spot where my right breast should have been burned. The four months when I’d belonged to another were not something I liked to think about. I still woke up screaming from nightmares about it. My throat went dry and I swallowed. Soren isn’t Lydian.

“You look tense,” Soren said, breaking me out of my thoughts. I’d crossed my arms over my chest. Not good. A movement like that was a sign of weakness. It was obvious to everyone that I was the weakest being here, but showing it would do me no good.

“I’m fine,” I said. “I just don’t like this place.”

“Hmm,” Soren said, eyes flickering around the hall. “It does lack a certain touch.”

“What does that even mean?” I asked.

“The entire design of the palace is trite and overdone.”

I blinked. “Okay, then.”

By now we’d entered the great hall where the reception was held. Every hundred years, the goblins were required to visit the Erlking and swear their fealty. Of course, their loyalty only extended to him as long as he was the most powerful—goblins weren’t the type of creature to follow someone weaker than themselves.

The palace, for what it was worth, was much grander than most other parts of the goblin domain. Soren’s manor was all wood, stone, and ice, permanently freezing. Nothing grew—I knew because I had tried multiple times to start a garden—but the roots never took to the Permafrost. Here, it was warm, though not warm enough that I couldn’t feel the aching chill deep in my bones. The walls were made of pure white marble with intricate designs far above what a goblin was capable of creating, and streaked with yellow and red gold like open veins. It was obviously made by humans. Goblinkind were incredible predators and hunters, gifted by the Permafrost itself, but like all creatures, they had their flaws. The inability to create anything that wasn’t used for destruction was one of the main reasons humankind were often stolen from their lands on raids and put to work in the Permafrost.

Soren’s scowl deepened as we passed under a canopy of ice wrought to look like vines and flowers. “I feel like I need to vomit,” he said.

I stopped in my tracks. “Really?” I swore, if I ended up having to clean up Soren’s vomit...

He glanced at me, a playful light in his lilac eyes. “Sarcasm? Did I do it right?”

“No.” I forced myself not to roll my eyes. “Sarcasm would be when you use irony to show your contempt.”

“Irony?” He shook his head, his long white hair falling into his face.

“Saying one thing when you mean the other, dramatically.”

“This is beneath me,” he muttered. Then, even quieter, he said, “This place is in dire need of a redecoration.”

“I’m not even entirely sure what to say to that.” With those words, he flashed me a wicked grin that said little and suggested much. I turned away, actually rolling my eyes this time. For a powerful goblin lord, Soren definitely had the ability to act utterly childish. It could be almost endearing at times. This, however, was not one of those times.

In the hall, the gazes on the back of my neck were sharp as knives. I kept my head straight, trying my hardest not to pay attention to the wolfish faces of the other attendees.

From a distance they could almost be mistaken for human. They varied in size and shape and the color of their skin, hair, and eyes much like humans did. But even so, there was a sharpness to their features, a wildness, that could never be mistaken for human. The figures dressed in hunting leathers, long and lean, would only seek to torment me if I paid them any attention. As the only human in the hall, I was a curiosity. After all, what self-respecting goblin would bring a thrall to an event as important as this? That could very easily get me killed, and I wasn’t planning on dying anytime soon. My hand almost twitched again, but I stopped it just in time, heeding Soren’s warning.

We finally crossed the floor to where the Erlking sat. Like Soren’s, the Goblin King’s hair was long. But unlike Soren, whose hair was whiter than the snow, the Erlking’s hair was brown. Not my brown, the color of fallen leaves, underbrush, and dark cherry wood, but murky, muddy brown. It was the color of bog mud that sucks down both humans and animals alike and it somehow managed to make his yellow-toned skin even sallower. He was the strongest of all goblins, and I hated him for it. I also feared him—I was smart enough for that—but the fear was drowned out by the blood rushing in my ears as I locked eyes with Soren’s king.

Soren turned to me. “Stay here.” His eyes turned hard, the glimmer of light leaving them. Whatever softness he had before drained away until what was left was the hard, cold killer he was known to be, and with it went the last shreds of warmth in his voice. “Until I tell you otherwise.” Subtly, he jerked his pointer finger at the ground in a wordless warning.

I bowed my head. “Don’t take too long.”

“I don’t plan to,” he said, more to himself than to me, before approaching the Erlking’s throne. He went to one knee. “My king.”

I eyed Soren from underneath the curtain of my hair. His hands were clenched in fists at his sides. He must’ve sensed something from the Erlking, from the other goblins, something. Whatever it was, it wasn’t good. Cautiously, I directed my gaze to the Goblin King himself, aware that if I looked at him the wrong way, I might be inviting my own death. While the behavior and treatment of thralls varied widely among goblins, I had a feeling submissiveness was required for any human in the Erlking’s path.

This close, the Erlking’s eyes were dark in his shriveled husk of skin and there was a tinge of sickness in the air as he breathed his raspy breaths. His eyes flickered up to meet mine and I bowed my head again. Don’t attract attention.

Soren spat out the vows required of him in the old tongue of his kind, the words gravelly and thick. He paused every so often, like he was waiting for when he would be free to drive his hand through his king’s chest, continuing on with disappointment every time.

The tension around the room grew heavier, pressing down on those gathered. Somehow, like dogs sniffing out blood, they all knew the king was weak. Beautiful she-goblins and terrifying goblin brutes were all standing there waiting until it was legal to kill him.

Beside the weakened king’s throne, a white stag rested on a pile of rushes. Its eyes were closed, its breath slow. Its skin and antlers shone with youth, but the ancient power it leaked pressed heavy against my shoulders. That power was older than anything else in the world—maybe older than the world itself.

Goblins were, before all things, hunters. Born to reap and not to sow. Cursed with pain upon doing any action that did not in some way fit into the power the Permafrost gave them, the goblins fittingly had the submission of the stag as the symbol of their king’s ultimate power. Until it runs.

I didn’t want to think about what happened after that.

Soren continued to say his vows. The guttural language was like ice shards to my ears, and I shuddered. Catching myself about to fidget, I dug my fingers into my thigh. Control yourself, Janneke, I thought. If they can do it, you can.

A soft voice whispered in my ear, “Is that you, Janneka?” His breath tickled the back of my neck, and every muscle in my body immediately locked. Icy dread trickled down my spine, rooting me in place.

Don’t pay attention to him. He’ll go away.

“I know you can hear me, sweetling.”

Yes, I could hear him, and the sound of his voice made me want to vomit. My mouth went dry.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Kara Barbieri is a writer living in the tiny town of Hayward, Wisconsin. An avid fantasy fan, she began writing White Stag at eighteen and posting it to Wattpad soon after under the name of ‘Pandean’. When she’s not writing, you can find her marathoning Buffy the Vampire Slayer, reviving gothic fashion, and jamming to synthpop.

Check out her Twitter

[jameseros-blog]

My personal struggle with GD

**Trigger Warning -- talk of genitals, sex, transphobia, and misogyny** This is a vent post about my feelings surrounding my gender dysphoria, how I figured out I almost definitely have it, and why my family would probably think I'm faking because of tucutes making trans people look like clowns. It is unorganized, entirely too long, might not make sense, and I'm positive I'm forgetting big details. I just need to get this off my chest though.

All throughout my life I've hated my body, and even though I could try to blame it on other problems, I had some pretty clear signs of gender dysphoria even before my life got fucked up. It all seemed normal to me though. I could rationalize it. I'm too masculine to fit in with girls; autistic females have a tendency to function on the same social level as neurotypical men. That makes sense. I hate my body; I definitely don't look like the girls I would like to date. That makes sense. I feel like cutting off my female chest and sometimes guiltily wish for a horrible disease that requires its removal; I'm a CSA survivor and was bullied in elementary school for my early development. That makes sense.

In middle school something started to happen that I couldn't explain though. I developed a "phantom penis". It actually felt like I had a fully functioning dick. I asked a guy friend what a boner felt like and he described what I felt perfectly. I never told anyone what I felt though. I just made a joke out of it. Whenever I felt a "hard on" I'd whisper to my friends "Suck my dick" or "My dick is hurting". We constantly made dick jokes so nothing seemed off about it. I liked the feeling of it. It upset me that it wasn't real. The feeling came around less often in high school and I wrote it off as nothing.

The inkling of negative sexual habits was already in place in 4th grade, but I fell into truly self destructive sexual habits in high school. I felt unsatisfied with life and everything regarding my existence. Every day was a chore I could barely manage. I wanted something to fill up how empty my life felt. I started using my tits to get free food in 4th grade. I would tell a couple of guys that I'd show them my tits on the last day of school if they would give me what ever food I wanted from them for the rest of the year. This took place up until 7th grade where they stopped believing me because I never held up my end of the promise. It didn't matter too much though because at this point they were already used to giving me food.

As 8th grade ended I noticed how unnaturally masculine I felt, even more so than before, like it didn't really fit my body. It was getting harder to blame it on my autism. That scared me so I went seeking some sort of validation that I was a woman. I found my first boyfriend. I've never really been one for romance, so our relationship quickly turned into something sexual. The entire thing made me uncomfortable. I hated the whole ordeal. I didn't really find him all that attractive, but I pretended to fairly convincingly. Neither of us wanted to be purely sexual, but it was the only thing I knew how to do so I kept being this sexual creature I hardly liked and barely knew. He broke up with me because we never really talked anymore and when we were together I always ended up sucking his dick. It was fine. I never stayed true to our relationship. I was sending nudes to people on the internet. They made me feel like I was a pretty girl, the kind I fantasized about. I could escape my real self and be someone else on the internet. It always felt like I was catfishing them. I never felt as feminine as I portrayed myself online.

My 10th grade year of high school I dated one of my ex boyfriend's best friends. The same thing happened as my last relationship. I'd try to change how unnaturally male I felt by being in the most misogynisticly feminine role I could think of. The first time I had "real" sex it felt good, but something was off about it. And I don't mean in the "the first time always sucks" kind of way. I'm a firm believer in if you are fully comfortable with a person and you both know each other's boundaries and there isn't any judgment between you, then there won't be anything uncomfortable about sex. We had all these things, but I still felt uncomfortable. Then he went down on me. I had another "phantom dick" moment; I could imagine him sucking me off as if I had a penis. That's when the discomfort ended. I couldn't explain that so I told no one and wrote it off as nothing.

I've always heard mentions of trans people in passing throughout my life. In 3rd grade I heard my friend call another boy a "he-she". When I asked him what that was he said it's a guy who dresses and acts like a girl. In middle school I learned there were surgeries to give males female genitals. In 9th grade my science teacher corrected a girl when she said "they have to cut off their balls and turn their dick inside out" in reference to mtf bottom surgery. I saw an article that same year about a man that gave birth and learned that ftm trans people exist. In that same 9th grade science class a girl mentioned the size of my chest when expressing her desire for bigger breasts. I spilled my guts about how much I hated having them. I realized that it wasn't a natural thing when other big chested girls told me it wasn't nearly as bad as I explained. It confused me that they didn't feel the same. At this point I still didn't know what GD was or what it actually meant to be trans.

I started to watch Blaire White. That set me on the path of finding more and more trans YouTubers. I connected to them in ways I didn't really understand. I felt less like an alien while watching their videos. I never connected this to my being trans though. They all had the same story of knowing when they were young. I never questioned my identity when I was young. I always just existed. When I look back at it I think I honestly should have questioned myself. If I weren't autistic I probably would have.

When I was young, about 4 or 5, it was the easiest thing in the world for me to just drop everything about being a girl so I could become James. This was done after hearing my dad say he wished he had a son. I insisted I was James for almost a year. Now that I'm older my nana has told me my dad was worried I might actually be trans and he didn't want me getting bullied when I go to school. He died when I was 5 or 6; this explains something that I'll touch on later.

Even after the James phase ended I prided myself on my masculine tendencies. I was proud to be "basically the son" of the family and "basically the brother" of my sisters. With my step dad we would make jokes about having a "guys night out". I would even try to dress as boyish as possible to get mistaken as a boy. One time I cried when a boy told me "I know you're a girl". When I found out girls could have beards I was extremely jealous and was confused by the fact I couldn't grow one. I've always hated long hair I always wanted it cut short in a boy's haircut. In middle school my friends told me I write like a guy as an insult, but I thought it was a genuine compliment. I've always had an obsession with extreme body modification. The idea that I could escape my body and look however I want was always appealing to me.

When I was young I held the belief that my thoughts and personality were exactly the same as a boy's. That was the reason I preferred to hang with guys. That was why I would feel happy when I was described as one of the guys. It was why I didn't connect with girls the same way as guys. When I was diagnosed with autism, I thought it explained why I felt like an alien among other girls, and why I fit perfectly with guys, and why my thoughts were so male to me. When I learned what GD was, it fit me too, but I thought I couldn't have it cause I didn't recognize it when I was young. Then I started watching the podcast 'You're So Brave' hearing the way they found out they were trans hit closer to home than any other time I heard stories of people discovering they're trans. I was still very iffy on if I had GD or not though. Kovu uploaded a video recently it basically sealed my belief that I have GD. I decided to list off all the ways I wish I could look. The look I created is absurdly masculine; tall, hairy, tatted, and rough. I couldn't be exactly that though. I'm far too short. Besides I'm not as one dimensional as that. I love the elegance of romantic goths and muted pastels are my favorite aesthetic. I love crop tops and even dresses. I'm very effeminate for a man. A lot of people hate on gnc trans guys, but honestly I relate to them hard. I'm still not 100 percent sure of my gender though. The only thing I know for sure is that I need my female chest gone.

Before I even started to question myself, I've heard my step dad's opinion on trans people. "There is no such thing as a third gender! I don't understand why these trans people keep trying to push this idea!" he says in reference to a completely binary trans woman who only wants to be seen as a woman and not a third gender. I defend them by saying the vast majority of trans people are completely binary, don't believe in three genders, and want to be fully recognized as the gender they transition to. He continues to think tucutes are the only kind of trans people there are and generalizes all trans people saying they all have the "76 genders" ideology. He thinks all trans women are instantly recognizable by their adam's apple despite the fact there is a reduction surgery and lots of cis women have prominent adam's apples. I won't even try to bring up non binary people to him. He'd never understand. My mom has backed him up on this multiple times. I can't come out to them. It's too dangerous. My step dad is a violent man that gets into lots of fights. (He's never hit me or my family; don't worry.) He has threatened to kick me out before and I know he and my mom have seriously considered it within the last year. I don't know if me coming out could result in my homelessness.

You may be thinking "You're 18, just move out." To that I say: I absolutely would, if I could. I'm autistic. It's a disability that leaves me unable to drive and makes it difficult to maintain a job. Not to mention no one has prepared me for living alone. I have a friend I could go to, but I don't want to live somewhere and not be able to give back to them in some way.

All I really want is to know for sure whether I have gender dysphoria or not. The only problem with that is all of the gender therapist in my area (deep south Alabama) have practices that sound eerily similar to conversion therapy. Even if I do come out and move in with my friend, I won't be able to get therapy or a diagnosis.

[lilyreads2020]

Week Six: The Book Thief

My chosen YA historical fiction novel, The Book Thief, is a story narrated by Death about the experiences of Liesel Meminger, an impoverished girl growing up in Nazi Germany at the time of the Holocaust. A Jew by the name of Max Vandenburg lives in her basement, a fist-fighter whose story is much more than living in fear of concentration camps: he’s also an (unpublished) author of a book he writes to Liesel called The Word Shaker. Her next-door neighbor, Rudy Steiner, is in love with her, amidst the swarms of the compulsory words, “Heil Hitler” across her country that Liesel and Rudy find themselves seeped in, he plays soccer with her, dives into ice-cold water to save one of her most prized possessions from sinking in the river, climbs a barbed wire fence to steal apples with her that they both can’t afford to buy at the store, and trades insults with her on (probably) a daily basis. Although Liesel survives the bombing of her street, the risk of being taken to the concentration camps when members of the Nazi Party come to inspect her basement for Jews, and her traumatic childhood, aided by a man with a paintbrush and an accordion, many people close to her do not. This book uses dark humor to make its sobering topics easier to read about, but does not shy away from the reality of the Holocaust - its last line is, “I am haunted by humans.” 

One of Sepetys’ claims in The Silent Soldier that resonates with me is that “when discussing historical fiction, the conversation inevitably shifts to individual and personal stories.” This shifting of the conversation to individual and personal stories reminds me of the second writing piece in my final multimedia project, a letter in the form of a poem to Liesel, titled “To Lily, from an Out-of-Character Liesel.” There was no requirement in the final multimedia project to have a character write to you, or suggestion to expand on the narrative of the protagonist in your chosen YA Historical Fiction novel by relating their experience to your own. And yet, this is what I found myself doing - of course, not that my experience was anywhere close to Liesel’s. As stated in the letter/poem, our similarities nearly stop at the fact that we both have brown eyes. As for the question Sepetys’ poses in “The Silent Soldier” of “How would I have endured this history,” when I read the introduction to The Fountains of Silence and most of The Book Thief, I realized the threats to the characters’ lives were so severe that I found myself asking a version of this question with the word “how” crossed out. Instead, the question I asked myself was “Would I have endured this history?”

I think historical fiction is an important genre for adolescents because in classrooms (I’m studying to be a teacher, I have to talk about the classrooms), it can be a relatively safe way for them to process ugly things like injustice, corruption in governments, violence against non-dominant social groups, and atrocities in the world without the curriculum being struck down as often by authorities as being “too political.” Of course, books like The Fountains of Silence and The Book Thief are sometimes banned in schools, but The Book Thief was a book I read in 8th grade; books like Allegedly or Monster that deal with violence against non-dominant social groups in the United States today, were stories I was not assigned to explore in the classroom. Sepetys writes of “striving to learn from the past,” which makes me think of a reason to study historical fiction that has been spoken in many different tongues, many different ways: we study the unpleasant aspects of history so that we do not repeat them. We study historical fiction to prevent the election of Hitlers, the trauma of differently named Max Vandenburgs (the Jew in Liesel’s basement), the creation of new Franz Deutschers (the teenage Nazi), and the bombing of another Himmel Street. Along those lines, we study it to be aware of the chain reactions that lead to these events, so that we do not unknowingly invite them into our lives, and to be aware of the realities of their survivors and perpetrators. Historical fiction is also an important genre for adolescents because for those who are descendants of survivors, seeing stories like theirs talked about in the classroom provides them with a gateway to speak about intergenerational trauma. Likewise, Sepetys explains how beneficial it is for young adults to know about their family history “(the good, the bad, and even the ugly),” by stating what studies show: the more they know, “the more control they feel over their lives and the stronger their sense of self-esteem.” 

One of the passages from The Book Thief that articulates a concept that feels deeply true to me is Death’s description of Hans Hubermann in Chapter Two of Part One, Growing Up a Saumensch. 

It is this:

---

 “Somehow, though, and I’m sure you have met people like this, he was able to appear as merely part of the background, even if he was standing at the front of a line. He was always just there. Not noticeable, Not important or particularly valuable. 

The frustration of that appearance, as you can imagine, was its complete misleadance, let’s say. There most definitely was value in him, and it did not go unnoticed by Liesel Meminger [...] she saw it immediately. 

His manner.

The quiet air about him. 

When he turned the light on in the small, callous washroom that night, Liesel observed the strangeness of her foster father’s eyes. They were made of kindness, and silver. Like soft silver, melting. Liesel, upon seeing those eyes, understood that Hans Hubermann was worth a lot.”

---

I chose this passage because it reminds me of a deep truth about more than one person I know; I seem to find these kinds of people magnetic. When I read it, I am reminded of both fictional and real characters in my life who (might) have the same kind eyes, the same tendency to fly under most people’s radar, and the same quality of being worth a lot. 

Most people reading this will be more familiar with the fictional characters I mention than with real people in my life. So, to put these traits of Hans Hubermann in the context of someone we know, I will say this: 

I think Aristotle would have kind eyes (in spite of the fact that he used violence to avenge the way that bullies hurt Dante). He has a quiet air about him, and not many people sign his cast in class - not because they dislike him, but because they don’t really see him. 

People might not notice Aristotle Mendoza if he were one of their classmates, but there is so much value in the questions he asks us about the universe and in the part he plays in Dante’s life. 

People might not notice Hans Hubermann if he was standing on their street, but there is so much value in his painting, his accordion playing, his reading lessons to Liesel, and in his repeated actions of kindness.  

You might not notice the people who are “able to appear as part of the background” in your own life, those with the appearance of being “always just there.”

But they are important. 

They are valuable. 

They are worth a lot. 

Link to The Silent Soldier:   https://scholar.lib.vt.edu/ejournals/ALAN/v42n3/sepetys.html#:~:text=Historical%20fiction%20is%20the%20quiet%20soldier%20of%20our,published%20in%20over%2045%20countries%20and%2033%20languages.

[atomicsurvivor-isleofskye]

Ep. 1 - “Karma is a Nasty Old Woman”  - JG

This season began the night of December 8th with a cast reveal, but the game was already afoot before that. Players had the opportunity to earn an extra trip to hunt for the idol by reading the rules. Heather, August, Aundra, JG, Rebecka, Tara, and Vi all took advantage of this opportunity!

The pre-merge buffs were also revealed, with the tribes called Iolaire and Saorsa.

And then the game began.

The first immunity challenge was posted, which you can check out here:

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168340626526/tribal-immunity-1-isle-relay

Introductions have been made, and everyone seems nice so far!

Consider me the f*%# overwhelmed. I’m trying to make personal connections but clearly that isn’t going too well. The challenge seems scary. I’m dying. Someone help!

I am SCARED. I have to establish all new relationships and I’m pretty shook about it.

Everyone seems so nice. I can deal with the challenges but I'm a bit scared. I don't want to mess up so early in the game.

Man, I forgot how the start of orgs are so busy. Everyone seems pretty nice so far but I swear I won't learn their names until at least merge. If we have merge that is. After that I'll have to relearn. Hopefully we all make it to merge so I don't have to relearn anything. This challenge is pretty bad though. Slow internet will make this a pain

Ok so I love my Tribe so far! The first immunity challenge came so fast but I'm glad that our team came together to figure out who's doing what. Also JG is coming in clutch with that advantage.

So I’m not sure how to feel about being on a tribe with Rebecka, she might be bitter, or she might be happy to have someone she knows. As for me if I can’t find anyone else ill try that connection, for now I just need to keep communicating.

This game is so different from azores (shout to everyone from that game) the vibes are completely different. probably because im completely different but yah im really enjoying this tribe rn we have team work down and dont seem like a bad group of people. only thing is i signed up to do the logic puzzle thing and im not that smart 

omg this seems like a nice little tribe, its interesting be surrounded by new players to this like myself :') im not outta place, also it seems like being the oldest i hope everyone will be able to rely on me and my knowledge :D on the flip side with everyone being new it's sure to lead to some confusion in challenges hopefully i'll be able to give them some guidance and lead us to some wins :) also i fully expect to have bad luck doing the moors crap but yolo and may as well try right? 

So the LoIaire tribe decided to do a call but it turned into me, Stephen and JD talking about videogames fjksskskd. I hope people don't think we're an alliance already! Fingers crossed.

my tribe is full of nerds

but i'm a fan of it

So the em peeps - me, Tara and august - made an alliance right off the back. I'm already lying to them like I did my previous org. Who said I was gonna do random voting this time again? O well, time to play a wolf in sheep's clothing and hope not to get picked to shear. That would be terrible. It's really cold and this wool is really warm. We're basically ignoring the other chat since they're in a group call and geeking out about stuff. I don't know. I zoned out bc I didn't understand what they were saying. Hopefully I'll be able to start my plan of seducing them with pictures of my pets soon.

I'm not sure if it will be an advantage or disadvantage but while searching the Moors, I found a twist that will be revealed at merge! Now I just have to do is survive until then... tune in nextime kids

Cool tribe.  Trying to prove my crappy helpfulness in this collecting challenge since i'm godawful at puzzles. Also, tara went ahead an made a stupid fast f3 with me and infinity, and i told them my searches which sealed the deal. Also like JG and Ain, seem like pretty cool dudes, hoping to work with em'. This moor twist is really neat, but i also feel like everything already found already, but whatever. 

Tara is pretty cool. She's nice and I think we can work together

An alliance of Heather, Lukas, Madison, and Olivia called “Future Final 4″ was created on Saorsa.

We love early alliances YES WE DO.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cch6Q-ItmQE

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8Vto9iHwVY&t=2s hope this works haha

kay so the tea is that I’m aligning with Madison and Olivia. Olivia is super sweet and super trustworthy, so I am aiming to keep her close for awhile. Madison vibes with me but she seems very intelligent and very much so willing to stab me in the back. I’ll keep an eye on her. I am hoping these two allies will be able to at least get me through the first few votes. Who knows? {note: I’ll be submitting video confessionals soon after more happens}

haven't talked to rebecka at all yet but love her video calling me late at night to show n complain about her broken tooth! an icon! can't wait to see more of her this season. hope her medical bills aren't too expensive

So Luke and I have been skyping for 3 1/2 hours and I am so glad we have chosen each other! We have plans of who we each are going to talk to and who we want in our alliance. He is going to try and get close to Madison and AnnMarie and I am going to try and get close to Skip, and Dr. Mike Jake. Sarah at this point is a big question mark and Heather is in between and we'll keep her close enough but we both think that she will either be a good meat shield or a threat that we should take out pre merge. The other Jake we are both going to try to get close to as well. Hopefully we can have the majority no matter how it goes. Maddy told us that she is close with Rebecca on the other tribe which was probably a big mistake so we have to keep an eye out for that. She also told Luke about a secret map that she found at the moors! She lied when I asked if she found anything about it. Luke said there was a phrase that you could send to the hosts about this secret map so we both sent it in. Sarah, Heather, Luke, and I formed an alliance that they think will go all the way but I think Luke and I may have other plans. I trust Luke implicitly and I know he trusts me! Hopefully our plan works out.

3 and a half hours later, Olivia and I are going strong on Skype planning and scheming for the whole game. I exposed Madison after learning she is also close with Jake (* ^w^*). We are definitely targeting Heather at some point, for she is the least trustworthy of them all. I’m planning on trying to win over AnnaMarie and Madison’s votes and Olivia is going to win over Jake (* ^w^*) and Trip. Hopefully by controlling two people each, we will have the majority in any potential vote. Needless to say- I will trust and advocate for Olivia until the end. I believe in our ability to take out the rest of our tribe and come merge time lay low. She’s writing a confessional right now as well, I hope it’s not about how she’s going to eliminate me lmao.

Also- Heather said in her intro video that she isn't afraid to backstab people and she kept going on about how much she loves acting! She also wouldn't really say anything when we talking about future plans so HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TRUST HER! I know I've already made two so this is the last one lol.

Things seem to be going well, I have talked to everyone, excluding Rebecka, and get along well, so far there are few people talking strategy, but that suits me fine for now.

I am so happy that the game finally started. The Saorsa tribe gives off really great vibes to me and I hope that is a good thing. I feel like I've made connections with almost everyone, but it is really nerve wracking because you never know who felt a connection with you. I feel I got pretty close to Madison, Lukas, Olivia and a few others. I just hope we can win Immunity so I dont have to send anybody home

I am very nervous for the competition. None of us really know Sarah and if she doesn't  show up, it's going to suck for the tribe. I don't want to be known as the weakest link for the tribe because my partner for the challenge didn't work. 

So I reveled I have a 10% advantage, hopefully that doesn't kill me off but oh well. So far so good. Tara and I have been bonding over BTS and I think I'm gonna try getting us to f2 since I like her the best out of everyone so far. Maybe she'll back stab me but that's okay too as long as she gets into f3 ^-^. I hope not though, that would be completely and utterly sad. (I do think she knows what I'm playing at since she watched my first org and I'm basically redoing that. She's trying to help me right now at least)

So I went to the moors for the first time and I’m really excited to be playing. This game going to be good and I know it going to have plenty of twist in it. Also I’m really liking Tara form like day one we vibes and we started talking and she’s pretty cool. Another also I feel like one of those older wise people because a lot of the peopel on my tribe are newbies and that makes me feel somewhat more safe in this game. 

So I misread my hidden advantage/disadvantage. What it actually says is that it will be revealed at a tribe swap and not merge. Also, Ive been mapping out all the locations and places explored in The Moors and concluded that Ain has the idol that was in the pit she fell in. For now I'm going to try and befriend her more so that we can be allies or have her reveal and flush an idol. My crossword chellenge is upcoming and I've been studying Survivor terminology so I don't flop!

I really like Jake and Maddie. I really want to start having a good strong alliance with them later on in the game. I love everyone's dogs as well.

Trip is sure he blew the logic puzzle. I feel bad for the kid and I definitely don't want to target him or anything over it and I want to make sure other people don't do that as well. I've been reading up battleship strategies online and about how to read people and poker tells and whatnot and that either makes me the biggest dumbass in the world to think that any of the advice might help or it makes me more prepared than my opponent. Can't tell at this point. He says he can't do the challenge today so we have to wait all the way until tomorrow. That'll either give me more time to be prepared or it'll give me just enough time to overthink and freak myself out. Either is likely at this point. I tried talking to AnnMarie some like Luke and I planned and she seemed pretty receptive until I suggested videochatting and she didn't respond but I'm not sure if she is doing her puzzle right now or if I just scared her off.

oh also Trip and I talked this morning which was great. Hopefully people don't talk to one another and say "oh hey has Olivia been talking to you" because if they do then they may think I'm playing too hard which at this point I'm probably over-doing it but I am just so excited

So Tim has told me that he has an advantage from the moors that will be reveal at the tribe swap. I believe him because even if hes lying it means he wants me to trust him so we work together. Looking ahead I think Tim, Tara, and I would make a good team, of course we’d need more numbers but it all depends on the connections we make, people’s performance in the challenge, and how people act if we go to tribal.

Found a special path in the moors, but even though I’m not getting anything from it, I’m getting a bunch of friends by telling other people. I told the alliance of me/infinity/ and Tara about it and I’m pretty sure that was the mortar that’s holding the house together. Also gave the info to Tim, hoping to work close with him, seems to be a pretty straightforward guy. He asked who else I gave the info to which I replied a solid “sorry can’t say” but I think it’ll go fine as long as that stuff doesn’t come up any longer.

Madison found a special path in the Moors, where she could receive a vote revealing advantage if she created an alliance with the two players she trusted the least, who she ranked as Jake S. and Sarah.

To do this, she opted to tell the tribe that she had to make an alliance with “random” players for a potential trial advantage. She succeeded, and was given a necklace which would reveal all votes cast at a tribal council, to be played until the final 7.

Hopefully honesty is the best policy. 

Ok so its Day 2 and i completed my immunity challenge pretty fast in my opinion... but this is whats happening... August told me about the third path in Moors but he said that i wasn't the only one that knew about it. Later Tara got caught searching in The Neist and August said that he told Tara about it but Tara said that's not true... Im on to you August.. lets just wait for the immunity results...👀

So Tim has told me even more information about the Moors, and a secret location called the Neist that August found. This makes me trust him more and feel more comfortable working with him, but it also means I have to work on my connection with August if the three of us are going to work together TimHoly shit things are going downnn. So August and Tara are actually allies and Im the third. And originally, we were the only 3 that knew about the Neist. But I rushed and thought I was getting played so I told Stephen... EVERYTHING about the Neist including the locations already searched... I messed up big time! ( Or maybe not? 👀)

omg so i hate august!!! first thing he messages me in the game is that we shouldn't tell ppl that we know eachother and we should try to seem distant because we know eachother from epicmafia n then he goes blabbing his mouth n telling ppl that he told me all this info! like where and when is that a smart thing to do august?? before i even knew he did that tim confronts me n is like hey do u know august, did august tell u this, and me trying to b a good friend to august is like yaa no sorry! but like ugh! august needs better communication bcos if the first thing he messages me is "HAHAHA SHHH SHHH WE DON'T KNOW EACHOTHER" i'm gonna expect that hes gonna try keep distant! then he goes blabbing some more n tells tim about drama that happened in our last org like hmm interesting... um but ya august is gonna b first boot! bye girl! 

So today in the Moor I came across a skeleton that “had a ring of bones unmarked from where a necklace once was”. This to me is a mess. Who on earth has already gone down this exact path and #snatched the necklace from me? Anyway, I messaged my main sis Olivia and devised a plan, then ran it by Madison as well. In the tribe chat, I openly said I have a “gem that could boost the power of a necklace that once rested there” which is complete BS. I am hoping someone takes the bait and messages me about having a necklace of such, and then I can expose them. 

Also- Madison entrusted me with the knowledge that she has a power that can reveal everyone’s votes at a certain tribal. I may just keep this to myself, because up until now all info I’ve received in the game I’ve shared. 

THE MOORS ARE CRAZY AND I KIKE THE RIDDLES AND THE HINTS AND IVE ONLY BEEN ONCE BUT I CANT WAIT TO GO TOMORROW. THE PUZZLE IS VERY HARD AND I STRUGGOED AT FIRST AND I HOPE the tribe isn't going to tribal council.

Tara came to me freaking out. I had told both her and Tim about the special path and Tim was like “ I bet they’re aligned” so Tara made up a lie saying I didn’t tell her. I tried to solve the problem by just being outright honest, but I’m still annoyed. Tim is far too paranoid to work with. 

ok so it seems as though as suspected some areas of our challenges were a bit rushed in decision and now i think it could be a big fat L but sometimes you win sometimes u lose, that said i hope the effort i put into my part shows im here to win, outside of that i've made more social connections with olivia and some others :) that open alliance announcement was a shock to me kinda made me laugh, looks like the 3 may be working together to get the moors solved so i'll have to keep on it

I'm a comp flop and i hope that doesnt make me a target. I havent talked to a few people and I'm going to get on that. 

Ok so everyone sucked today at the challenges (I still love them) and it is kinda looking like I am our last hope. wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Also it turns out the whole tribe is gonna watch?! what???!!! Feeling better every second out the firm alliance between Luke and I though. At the Moors I took a harness and hid it in a place where another harness already was so I am gonna try and be first when it comes to going to the Moors tomorrow. Luke found a skeleton without a necklace there meaning someone has the necklace. He told the tribe and AnnMarie just told him privately she had to tell him something about the moors AND NEVER RESPONDED. The second (not Canadian) Jake seemed like he might pull through and be an active participant but its not looking too likely. Sarah is still inactive so unless the other tribe sucked more than us she will probably go home Monday. Also I am supposed to talk to the Canadian Jake but idk how to talk to that guy! and trip too! Like I never know what to say but I am going to keep trying because Luke is making good progress with Maddi and with AnnMarie. We both gotta be careful and include Heather because if not that could be dangerous. 

JUST GOT SOME MAJOR TEA FROM CANADIAN JAKE WOOOHOOO!!! I was asking him about Canada and he told me that if I take the harness back to camp it leads to more paths. I told him this made me trust him a lot. Not exactly true but not false either. He could be playing me but hopefully this is securing a bond.

Hi I’m Aundra and I’m stupid af. I picked to do the logic challenge knowing I’m stupid af. then announced to the tribe that I’m thinking about quiting being stipid af. now I’m stuck looking stupid af

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KvsH2lWN3Y

4 hours and 20 min later I finally finish my part of the challenge I’d like to thank Ali for helping me through when I was about to quit and Kermit I’d also like to say if we lose it won’t be my fault fully because people have gotten 10% disadvantages on the team so our odds are low but the grave I’ve dug for my self is bigger than the possible 20% I think we have agonist us 

LukasJust a lil update for the girls. Madison told me about her magnifying glass, but apparently she hasn’t told anyone else. I’m going to keep this to myself from Olivia otherwise I will have nothing to keep secret for myself, and that just seems wrong. I staged a text conversation with my boyfriend and sent it to Heather about her dog and how it’s totally the next big meme. Heather ate it up as expected, and now I feel like I have an in with her. Aside from my core 4 alliance, I really don’t know where anyone else’s head is at and they all are lackluster communicators. 

Ok so Maddi, Heather, and myself had about an hour long chat (mostly) about the game tonight. We agreed that the four of us (us 3 + Luke) should definitely stick together and although it’s definitely possible, it’s probably unlikely that the other four players have their own alliance. My fears about heather were mostly assuaged because when Maddi left she voiced her concerns about Maddi and her connections to the other side and she revealed to me that she trusts me the most (which is obviously great). Now I have two people that trust me the most out of anyone. (Only one I feel the same about) As long as I’m in this game I won’t forget heather’s intro video and her statement about how she is more than willing to backstab. The relationship between trip and I seems to be going well (albeit a little slow) while my relationship with AnnMarie is kind of nonexistent but it’s only been two days. I don’t trust Jake S. At all. He said he hadn’t been to the moors yet?? Fishy to me. The battleship showdown is tomorrow. Survivor gods be kind, let it go well. 

The idol is already out there on day THREE. Im assuming either Vi or August has it but I'm leaning towards August.. If we lose immunity then I may have to spark up the game and vote out the idol holder either that or have thr idol work in my favor. I'm on to you August and Vi and your friend Ain too! You may have had us do your dirty work of finding the idol but I'll get the last laugh. Know That. StephenSo Tim thinks someone has found the idol based on what he found in the moors and I’m inclined to agree, but it worries me how fast things are moving, im hoping we win immunity so theres time for things to settle down and for people to relax. At the same time chaos is a good way to find out who you can trust.

https://youtu.be/RSSBtWKMfiU

I'd be very very surprised if we win immunity, especially since our tribe has members with a 5% and 10% disadvantage, and some members of our tribe who have yet to complete their challenge or never will? InfiniVi has a 10% advantage so maybe that will help balance it all out. Regardless, I think I'm in a safe spot on my tribe and I am confident in my challenge time and Im hope Stephen and JG does well so cheers to that?? 

I didn't notice a small wording difference which  changes my time in logic puzzle from very low to over 3 hours and 40 minutes. I am worried if we lose this challenge I could be sent home, but hopefully if so Sarah is thrown under the bus. I mean they haven't even been here! Everybody else is so nice and cool, I love my tribe!

Well I had a very nice conversation with Vi and Tara (seperately) and August your game is donezo. We know about your idol/advantage and you lost your potential allies' trust in the process. If only you'd kept Neist point a secret. Fear not, we can still use you as a number and you can be one of the many strings I pull as I become Sole Survivor. Ciao!

Hour and a half before battleship. The tribe seems excited to cheer me on. They all seem to think it rests solely on me. But if they all lost then we’re already fated to go to tribal, no? Irregardless, it would be a good moral victory. I’m trying to decide how to come across when I go head to head with the other tribe. Strategic? If so he may figure out that my ship placement strategy wasn’t just random. Wholesome and nonthreatening? It may help out now but they may think I’m not quite smart should I make it to the merge. Maybe that’s a good thing idk. I’m only certain of one thing however and that is that I’m definitely overthinking this. I watched my opponent’s intro video. He is into Star Wars and humanitarianism. Maybe I can pander to that so he doesn’t feel threatened. Battleship is mostly a game of luck but anything I can do that might be an advantage is worth it.

So so so, so much has happened I don't know where to start. The alliance between Tara, August and I basically is down to Tara and I and August as the third wheeler. He has betrayed our trust and so we're going to pretend to be nice to him. Also there is a 85% chance of him having the idol. Tim accused me of having it but jokes on him, I would have screamed it in the main chat since it's rare for me to get lucky with anything. Anyways I think I'm gonna go place some tension between a couple people and see how that blows up in my face. I know it will bc that's my luck also

I got more updates on the drama. Tim is a bas-cough- sneaky little no legged lizard. Can't believe he told Tara to go to the cauldron even tho Ain told him that it held a disadvantage right before that. Hehehe the boys - August, Tim and Stephen - are gonna regret it the moment the girls line up too.

Olivia is a QUEEN AND WON A SECTION FOR US IN THE RELAY. SLAY ME

Im not sur if im allowed to curse but where in the world are these ships!!! Hello????

My fav player won their challenge I am so proud of her. She will win first for sure calling it now.

JG seems like a fun guy, but we havent talked much. In his challenge he kept changing his pattern, which I’m not sure was a good idea, but that might just be hindsight.

https://youtu.be/nk5jBYqnYwI

We are going to lose because I suck at puzzles 

HOLY SHITBALLS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just won the battleship challenge and I feel OH so relieved. So much has happened today I hope I don't forget to write it here. Ok so I was included into the one viewing lounge which was cool as shit but I didn't know anyone but hopefully I can be included in this community going forward because everyone seems so cool. Trip and Canada jake both told me their moor experience which hopefully shows trust. And after I won the challenge Trip said I should be captain. It was sweet, but hopefully no one takes that to mean I am the leader because I sure as shit do not want that. Even though I feel like I am in a bit of a power position with Luke right now, I do not want anyone else to know and I certainly don't want people to think I am the captain because those people always get targeted (see: ben this current tv season). Apparently I mentioned that Luke was the only one that knew the coordinates for battleship and when Luke told me I did that I about shit myself because we don't want people finding out how close we are. Hopefully none of the players caught on. Luke told me that Heather told him that she got a 10% advantage in the first individual immunity challenge, and she didn't tell me that until she told the fab four collectively which concerns me because yesterday she told me she trusts me the most. I started individually messaging her so hopefully I can keep that trust. We get the tribal results tonight and hopefully we won so we can keep the Sarah buffer going forward. People were calling me an icon today and I don't really agree but it made me like so happy I could do something for the tribe and everyone was so nice after I won like I was so emotional reading the messages. I know this is a game but I like everyone so much and I'm so grateful I got this tribe. oh also Jake S. hasn't been responding (like usual) and I am just overall concerned about him and whether or not he has an idol. Besides that, I am just so happy with how today played out. Sorry for the long ass confessional lol.

Oh and also I love Heather but with the individual messaging I wasn't sure how to start it so I mentioned the walking dead, her favorite show, which I have literally never seen except for when people reblog stuff about it on my tumblr. I literally only had my tumblr knowledge to go on to carry that convo but it seemed to work and she seemed to buy it. I feel bad lying but like I need to talk to her more and I needed an ice breaker lol.

I’m currently trying to secure my alliance with Madison. Whilst I don’t 100% trust her and would like to see her gone before the merge, I want her to think she is my #1. To do this, I’m asking her if I should branch out to Annamarie. She agreed, so I made a group chat with them. This is not so much to control Annamarie but more to let Madison think I’m hopeless without having her in my convos. Hopefully I’m not coming on too strong. 

holy shit that was the worst puzzle i've ever had the misfortune of trying to piece together im so happy its over

Iolaire won the first immunity challenge, sending Saorsa to tribal council

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168413432616/tribal-immunity-1-results

Im literally shakingggg. We won the first immunity so no first boots from our tribe! I think we were lucky that someone from the other tribe got a strike, otherwise, im uncertain how things would have ended up. There was a plan to blindside August and the idol but we'll have to put it on hold!

So glad we won, there has been a little drama and while I was confident I wouldn't be going home I'm glad we get time to settle down and talk more. I want to make sure I can get Tara, JG, and Rebecka on side, if we can flush or blindside August's idol I'll feel mch better.

omg, close ass challenge it seems like this was alot closer than i anticapated, i expected a loss in the logic but holy we almost wonf if not for sarah thats crazy, but i mean its hard to win with an afk, at least its an easy vote, another loss may not result in so, so we gotta get that motivation and grab the bull by the horns and win !!!

I'm so proud of Trip and Olivia for winning but I am also soooo pissed. If Sarah would have tried I truly think we would have had a chance.

Honestly I'm kinda pissed that Sarah never submitted cause we had it in the bag. I failed pretty hard with the puzzle, but I'm hoping to do better next time. I found a freaking path in the moors, no advantage, no hint. I'm trying to get around, trying to talk to everyone, especially madison, lucas, and olivia. I'm very comfortable with them and I feel that we'd be a good alliance once the game gets SERIOUS. I got drafted twice and I'm gonna cry I'm so happy

DAMNNN we have to go to tribal. Whilst I am sad about this, it won't be too sad seeing Sarah go (hopefully). After seeing the draft results as well, I think I am going to make Madison my #1 considering how liked she is by the VL. She must be a good person. Also, since she has history of the game- it would make sense to align with her over Olivia.

So Rebecka has finally communicated, was worried she had a grudge from Athena, but I know she's going through some things, hopefully she is better now. I do want to work with her, but I would be worried that she is more inclined to work against me than with me, hopefully I can work with her, she's a loyal person and I can use that.

Aye it’s my first confessional!! I’ve kinda been laying low from the start cuz I’ve been very busy in real life but I think everyone on my tribe is cool! I think this rounds tribal should be easy considering we have a 100% inactive but in survivor who knows what’ll happen.. I’m also not aligned with anyone at this point. I’m just chillin. But it’s a bummer we lost so hopefully someone reaches out to me soon! 

Jake just told me we are meant to be allies. I asked for his advise and he said he is there to help me, which is good for any future plans. I'm not sure if Heather trusts me the most anymore, but I know she thinks I'm right. I still have Luke 100% and hopefully tomorrow I can secure Trip more. Tomorrow is an easy vote day and Luke and I are going to use this opportunity to lay low and just trust build. Hopefully all goes to plan. Should we lose another immunity, we have a tentative plan in place. But hopefully, we won't get there.

I cant believe I somehow won my challenge even though I made a horribly dumb mistake! If my original assumption was right since we both won me and Olivia should have nothing to worry about. We all know who is going this tribal though. It would surprise me if it was not unanimous.

I’m glad I’m not going to be the first boot! A personal achievement. MadisonI’m super concerned about the advantage possibilities NOT GONNA LIE. And Jake S is sketchy. And Trip is playing hard wtf? Also I’m concerned that i was DRAFTED SO MUCH WTF. Like I’m happy but also I’m v concerned that people think I’m way more of a threat than I am. 

Honestly from yesterday to rn I read every single message over 3 times and  I still don't understand anything that people messaged me. I had to write this over 3 times since I'm so dizzy and brain dead from not sleeping and finals. I feel absolutely nothing atm and so  I can't tell if people are trying to screw me over or not. O well. I'm not that sad that we won, I don't know the other tribe so whatever.

Wow. So tribal's tonight and I'm mega excited. I can't wait to see how it goes and what question the judges ask and see who people voted for. I feel that this is an easy vote, but it's impossible to know what everyone is thinking. I'm excited for the next round and see what challenges the judges come up with. Overall, this first round has been incredible, especially since this is my first time playing, and I'm ecstatic to see what's next.

Well tribal is not too far away. I voted for Sarah, I'm hoping and guessing everyone else did too. Canada Jake's nickname for me is Moose, how freaking adorable is that. I love that guy. Today was supposed to be just a simple trust building day and then Trip blew that up lmao. I wonder if I tell Canada Jake that Trip excluded him if he would maybe get on board with what we need him to. I'm finding myself thinking way too far in advance when I just need to focus on what is happening now. With every move I imagine 1,000,000 different repercussions and how it could lead to me getting voted out. I want to go far so badly but I worry I won't make it past episode two. Just gotta take it one step at a time I guess.

This is probably my 100th confessional of the season (It's day 4), but Im totally enjoying my day off! We don't have to worry about going to tribal and losing a member of our team! What worries me though is that once the other tribe eliminates their inactive player, we'll be doomed at the next immunity.

Dang k9trip is salty at the moment. Rushing tribal to the extreme.

An alliance of Heather, Lukas, Madison, and Olivia called “Future Final 4″ was created on Saorsa.

An alliance of Vi, Tara, and August was created on Iolaire.

An alliance called “Secret Tribe F5″ between Heather, Trip, Lukas, and Olivia was created on Saorsa.

An all-girls alliance between Heather, AnnMarie, and Olivia was created on Saorsa.

At tribal council, Sarah was eliminated in a unanimous vote:

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/168443384851/tribal-council-1-saorsa

[ts-hvv4]

EPISODE THIRTEEN: BRO I REALLY AM A VILLAIN - NED

Well, I just voted out Sharifa, someone who had my back until the end (but would have undoubtedly won in a landslide). It sucks and was an incredibly hard thing to do, but I'm not playing for a team, I'm playing for myself. I was going to vote out Jake until a coalition was formed (literally) a minute before Tribal consisting of me, Jake, Sarah, and Malik. Sharifa had an idol and this was probably one of the last real opportunities we had to vote her out. PLUS, I won immunity so I'm feelin pretty good :)

Jake is NOW after all this time deciding to spill info about Kurt and how he’s this guy who is just acting like he’s dumb but he really isn’t and how he’s seen this first hand and yadda yadda. Why are you waiting till THIS round to say this?! This could’ve been said rounds ago? Thanks for the information, definitely gave me something to think about but it’s a bit too little too late for me. I might get kurt next round but for now, I know my plan and I have it set.

In a shocking turn of events, I'm about to betray the last remaining member of my Final 3. It's become apparent today that Malik is unwaveringly loyal to Kurt and Lukas also has a bond with him, so I don't like the odds of me and Sarah making it to the end amidst that. I feel like I'm basically playing for 2 people right now, because I'm personally in a great spot but Sarah's tough to maneuver through these people. I feel like I'm a tugboat pulling a cruise ship through a field of icebergs. It would be easy enough for me to navigate them on my own-- in fact, I would bet $1000 I have a guaranteed spot in the Final 3 on my own-- but I'm pulling this massive target through a sea that was NOT MADE FOR CRUISE SHIPS! I've been the lowkey power player literally throughout this entire game. I've been manipulating people since day 1, to the point where I think I'm the only person who's known every single thing that's happening (aside the Andreas vote I slept through) every single vote. I led a flip to eliminate two kingpins before the merge and have been able to use bigger players as puppets to put me in a great spot. Chris? Matt? Dennis? Nicklas? All objectively horrible moves for other people that I was able to convince them to make to allow me to get further. This vote is between Jake and Kurt, and Sarah and I are the swing votes. All we need is each other, because Sarah gave me her vote steal. And even if the others wise up to what we're doing and flip the vote on her, because I won immunity and have the vote steal, we'll both be safe in the case of a deadlock tie. At this point I think I'm going to vote out Kurt, because he's the link connecting Malik and Lukas and the thought of those 3 rising up against me and Sarah is intimidating. How crazy is it that I can vote out two people who were undyingly loyal to me in a row and still have a great shot at making it to the end? Everyone's been sleeping on me, but this vote is gonna be the alarm.

*a little while later*

Bro I really am a villain and it feels good

*a little after that*

BRUH I JUST GOT KURT TO VOTE MALIK! I ain't even gotta make up a story hahaha

*a round after THAT*

Yo I literally just said "let's just vote Lukas out" right after Lukas joined the call

*Spoiler alert this is just the Ned show for the rest of the season*

I would not be shocked if I go home tonight. Sarah freaking GAVE Jake immunity last night and now wants to play her idol on herself... I feel like Jake could easily flip on us and join Malik and Lukas and there's not much I can do about it if I'm their target. Pray for me

*Really? NOBODY ELSE MADE CONFESSIONALS?*

So here we are. The Final 4. Sarah - my true ride or die. I had to put in freaking LEGWORK to bring her here, and I'm shocked that people didn't realize that we were a duo in Bangladesh and also made the Final 3 together in a side season. As put best by Sid from Ice Age, "They do this every year!" It's gonna be a hard fight if we both make the end, because Sarah's played a much more visible game-- seriously, 2 idols and a vote steal (though I still take credit for her second idol find lol how the heck was that fair) and she's also burned far fewer bridges than I have. My best shot is if she shows up high and starts cussing people out like she normally does. Jake - I was able to use him as a target to flip on my old alliance and then as a pawn to carry me to the end. I just know he's won before and I predict the jury's gonna be pretty bitter and convince themselves that he was some mastermind. That's what Tumblr Survivor players do best: convince themselves that a player who really did nothing was actually in control the entire season so they don't feel like they're bitter jurors. Malik - what a guy. To put it harshly, the goat of the season and someone I think everyone was eyeing to take to the end. I'm just happy I jumped on the opportunity first :) I think the fact that he's been freaking creepy with most of the guys in the cast should be enough to stop him from getting any votes, but I can also see the jury being angry with ME for even bringing him. I played my butt off and I'm pretty sure I'm going to FTC, it's just a matter of beating Jake because I think he'd kill us all in the end. Ultimately I want to win and I truly believe I played the most dominant game this season; I consistently held all the cards and the only time I didn't know what was happening was when Andreas went home because I was asleep in SWEDEN! I knew where every idol and advantage was at all times and pre-and-post-Andreas, I knew where every person's vote was going at every Tribal. I seriously was calling the shots and nobody picked up on it because I convinced them all I was loyal to only them! My concern is that no one will hear me out because they think I was inactive or a follower (seriously, I had 4 exams the first day of the game and then I went to Sweden for 3 days but is it REALLY comforting to believe that an inactive person outplayed y'all?). I'm just hoping I can prove them wrong. Coming into this game with my highest placement in TS being 8th, I felt like I had something to prove, and no matter the outcome, I know I can leave confident that I've shown that I AM a competent player. Every time I win an ORG the VL always seems to be disappointed LOL so hopefully people like me this time

YA BOY JUST WON THE FINAL IMMUNITY CHALLENGE!!!! Not only was that the most painful 3 1/2 hours of my life, but after Malik and Sarah dropped, it was freaking up to me to beat Jake, who'd almost definitely win if he made it to the end. It got to the point where we were balancing our books on two fingers for over an hour, when out of the blue, Jake's book dropped. I FREAKING EARNED THIS WIN, DAWG. He still thinks Sarah and I are taking him, but honestly... we'd be stupid to do that. He's slipped his way this far against all odds and honestly, I give him credit for pulling together the Sharifa blindside. That was WICKED. He's an incredible player and I have a ton of respect for him. During pressure cooker, I prayed a LOT and honestly kind of felt like Captain America: "I can do this all day."  

https://qph.fs.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-1ee3c0e35d5b7ff09226c8656c57a203

I just hope people will respect the balls-to-the-wall game I played, because I know I've played a crazy game and I want this win. So bad. 

I have pretty much realized that I will not be winning this season, but it’s fine as long as jake leaves. I figured rounds ago since I wasn’t getting my way, people would think I was just dragged along by people as a non threat but I’m HOPING if Jake does leave I can plead my case over Sarah and hopefully over Ned, who I feel will floor me rn.

[wrestling-and-such]

My 10 Favourite Matches of 2019

Ok, so I was planning to release this days ago, but school caught up and now everyone is over 2019. But I’m still gonna finish this list anyway cause I said so. Shhhhh... let me have this...

So, I see a lot of people talking about the best wrestlers or best matches or best promotions of the 2010s. But I only just got back into wrestling in 2019, so I don’t feel as though I can talk about the entire decade. Instead, I decided to make a list of my favourite matches of just 2019. Now, these aren’t the BEST matches, these is my FAVOURITE matches, and thus subject to my own opinion. And obviously spoilers for each of the matches ahead. Got it? Good. 

Honourable Mentions: 

Grizzled Young Veterans vs Gallus (Mark Coffey and Wolfgang) vs South Wales Subculture (NXT UK TakeOver: Cardiff) 

The Women’s Wargames Match (NXT TakeOver: Wargames (2019))

A-Kid vs Will Ospreay (Triple W Total Rumble 9)

Kenny Omega vs Jon Moxley (AEW All Out)

Becky Lynch vs Sasha Banks (WWE Hell in a Cell (2019))

10: Jon Moxley vs Tomohiro Ishii (NJPW G1 Climax 2019 - Day 6 Jul 19th 2019)

I liked Dean Ambrose. I love Jon Moxley. So, what happens when you put one of the most legitimately badass wrestlers in the world today with perennial fellow badass, Tomohiro Ishii? A straight up brawl between two of the best brawlers in the business. Moxley was at his violent and unhinged finest, while also refining that brutality in a more serious and direct manner. We even got to see a more technical side of Moxley that we weren’t presented in WWE’s “sports entertainment” landscape. Also, ISHII DIVES OFF THE TOP ROPE THROUGH A TABLE, ISHII DOES NOT DO THAT GUYS, YOU JUST DO NOT SEE THAT, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT. Ishii is one of those wrestlers in NJPW that I instantly connected with, and he worked his ass off in this match, and basically the entire G1 Climax. And with a match like this, I would like to see him in more. Amazing.

9: PAC vs Ben-K (Kobe Pro-Wrestling Festival (2019))

So, Disclaimer; I do not watch Dragon Gate. I’m sure I should, but I don’t. That being said, I absolutely loved this match. From what I’m told, there was another match at Kobe World that might have been better than this one. But if I’m being honest, it would have to be REALLY great to top this one. Ben-K, through just one match, became one of my favourite wrestlers today. Dragon Gate is a promotion primarily made up of Junior Heavyweights, so it’s somewhat strange to see a wrestler like Ben-K among their mix, as he’s primarily a power and ground based wrestler. Nonetheless, his style was completely in-sync with the high flying PAC. PAC is a sadistic son of a b%&* throughout the match, as usual. However, when he lost he made sure he put Ben-K over HARD, even risking his stable’s own credibility to do so. If you want a great underdog and redemption story, this is definitely one to watch.

8: The Revival vs Undisputed Era (O'Reilly & Fish) (NXT Tapings: Nov. 20, 2019)

Anyone who’s seen this match will know where I’m coming from. A sleeper hit on the road to Survivor Series, everyone who recognized the abilities of those involved knew something big was going to happen. Despite, traditionally being Heels, The Revival were the de facto Babyfaces in this match, with the single goal of showing the world why they were so big in NXT. And they did, in a showcase of Tag team wrestling at its finest. Matched up with the technical excellence of the Undisputed Era, this match produced GOLD. Its all the fixings of a great Revival match: blind tags, fluid tag team moves, climactic hot tags. All topped off with a surprising chemistry with the almost always excellent Undisputed Era. I love you Revival. Now please go somewhere else to do your thing. I would like to see it.

7: Johnny Gargano vs Adam Cole (bay bay) (NXT TakeOver: New York)

This was the first NXT TakeOver show I had ever watched, as I had just missed the Phoenix show and hadn’t had the chance to watch it before the Wrestlemania weekend. That being said, what an introduction to TakeOvers this was. The entire New York card was probably my favourite WWE PPV of the year (save for one other NXT PPV mentioned) and this match was just delicious sugary icing on the cake. And I don’t even like icing that much. Johnny Gargano is by far one of the best Babyfaces in the world and draws sympathy like no other, most people recognize this. But what this match did differently than his other matches was introduce us to his uncanny ability to suspend you disbelief.  And Adam Cole was an integral foil for Johnny, even if it was never planned, as I don’t think Tommaso could have gotten this out of Johnny as he was only one man. But when the rest of the Undisputed Era came out to assist Cole, Johnny took down all of them, and you believed it possible. It wasn’t a cop out like we see so many times on the main roster and its main event scene. It was genuine, heartfelt, underdog resilience that we hoped, we knew, and we saw pay off in the end. 

6: WWE Championship Elimination Chamber Match (WWE Elimination Chamber (2019))

I know, I know, many people prefer Kofi Kingston’s Wrestlemania triumph over “The New” Daniel Bryan. However, for personal preference, I enjoyed Kofi’s Elimination Chamber Showcase just a little bit more. Essentially, this is where KofiMania started. Kofi was an incidental figure in the match due to Mustafa Ali getting injured, but he nonetheless seized his opportunity and put it all on the line for one of the greatest matches of his life. This isn’t to say that the other members of the match didn’t play their part either; Daniel Bryan may have been more conniving than ever before, Samoa Joe was a literal machine during his time in the match, Jeff Hardy was at his high flying best, AJ Styles put his technical excellence on display once again, and Randy Orton actually felt threatening for once! However, this was Kofi’s night, and this is where it all began.

5: Rhea Ripley vs Shayna Baszler (NXT Tapings: Dec. 18, 2019)

As of this writing, Shayna Baszler is basically headed to the main roster, so it was almost a shoe-in that Rhea Ripley would be walking out of 2019 as the new NXT Women’s Champion. However, the skill and strength of this match was making you forget about that and question whether or not Rhea could actually get the job done. But she did! And it was great! Shayna’s new style lends itself as both punishing to her victims but also rewarding to those who know what they’re up against. And for a while, Rhea was especially rewarded for her close understanding of Shayna and her ability to read her out, as seen in her previous match with her a few months earlier and the Women’s Wargames Match. But when that ability was hindered by Shayna when she finally managed to injure Rhea’s arm, you were left on the edge of your seat the entire match worrying about the outcome. And that’s what a match is supposed to do, even if the outcome is somewhat predictable. Even still, sometimes its best to just give fans what they want, and that’s exactly what they did.

4: Tomohiro Ishii vs Shingo Takagi (NJPW G1 Climax 2019 - Day 16 Aug 8th 2019)

I showed this match to a friend who had never watched pro wrestling in his life and had no interest in it. I still showed him this match and he actually had a lot of fun watching it. When you take two big beefy bois and have them run into each other for about 22 minutes, you get this wonderful match. The story of this match is a classic case of one-upmanship, with the two men battering each other while no-selling each others moves throughout much of this match. This is also helped by the fact that these they look like they’re actually hitting each other in the face. One of the hardest hitting matches of the year, this was the Japanese Strong Style at some of its finest with how stiff the strikes were. That’s not to say there wasn’t much technical work in this match either. Nonetheless, I still feel as though this explanation doesn’t do this match justice. It’s still available online, so just go watch it yourself right now. Please.

3: Candice LeRae vs Io Shirai (NXT TakeOver: Toronto (2019))

I’m gonna be honest, this match is kind of helped by the fact that this took place in my home country of Canada. Don’t care, this was a phenomenal match either way. Context: Io Shirai had just turned heel, and Candice LeRae had just been dropped onto her head. Onto a chair. Being honest, she’s probably taken worse bumps on the indies, but still bad though! So Candice wants revenge, and she’s given this match at TakeOver. And it is wrestling at its finest. The story is so simple; one wrestler hurts another wrestler and the two have a match because of it. And it’s made all the better thanks to that match being great. That night in Toronto, LeRae even got more sympathy behind her than Johnny Gargano, who, as noted earlier, is a sympathy magnet. And Io proved herself a heel not through necessarily nefarious means (though there was some of that), but by simply being a fantastic technical wrestler, revived with a new heel persona. Made all the better by a resilient babyface opponent who Io literally had to choke out in order to put away. Candice LeRae is a tough f*&#ing cupcake, dammit.

2: Walter vs Tyler Bate (NXT UK TakeOver: Cardiff)

Another contender for one of the world’s best babyfaces, big strong boi Tyler Bate helped put on my favourite match at my favourite WWE PPV of the year, the ever so underrated NXT UK TakeOver: Cardiff. Walter is one of my favourite wrestlers, and I’m saying that as a guy who probably likes spots a bit too much. His old school catch wrestling style stands out amongst his contemporaries, and know one understands the fundamentals better than him. But what really stood out in this match was actually when he was on the back foot, selling for Tyler in a way that suspended your disbelief. And when Tyler managed to actually LIFT Walter up you really felt as if this David would conquer his Goliath. And when he didn’t you felt genuinely heartbroken, but not cheated. And that’s the important distinction. Thank you boys.

1: Cody vs Dustin Rhodes (AEW Double or Nothing)

Ok, you guys knew this was gonna be here. It’s on most people's lists, but nonetheless, I just loved this match a lot. Even as a kid, I remember not thinking much of Cody Rhodes. Goldust was neat, if a little weird for me as a kid. Like many people, I expected this match to be good and very emotional, but not great. Then it happened, and I was blown away. The buckets of blood, sweat, and tears spilled in this match would in theory be enough to turn some more squeamish eyes away, but it was so powerful that I’m not sure that too many people could actually take their eyes off it. Dustin was there to prove that, even after all these years, this old gunslinger’s still got it, with a technical smoothness to rival even the younger guys on the AEW roster. Meanwhile, Cody proved a dastardly but nonetheless sympathetic, nay empathetic, heelish wrestler who was tortured by his own actions in trying to put down his older brother. Nothing I say could truly capture the beauty of this match, but the sheer fact that I found it beautiful is a large reason why I’ll continue to watch wrestling for a long time to come.

[placetobenation]

Back in June 2013 the Place to Be Nation invaded the information super-highway with the launch of the website you are visiting just now. Since then a back catalogue has grown to include thousands of podcasts and written pieces, some of which you might have missed and it is my arduous task pleasure to go through the archives and bring you some of the highlights of PTBN through the years.

This weeks podcast is an audio anniversary for Jennifer and Mirandia as Geek & Sassy #1 hit the PTBN POP feed in this week in 2016. In this episode our wonderful hosts give a brief introduction to their new audience and how they developed their geekiness, followed by about their favourite TV shows, and how they think some were cancelled far too early. To find out where they rank Doctor Who and Harry Potter in their Top 5 Fandom discussion, or to see who they picked as their Nerd Eye Candy of the Moment, click here to listen.

And while you’re listening to Geek & Sassy #1, take a trip down memory lane with JT Rozerro and Chris Jordan as they bring us Part 1 of their look at wrestling video games in We Miss The 90s. Together they discuss the good, the bad, and the King of the Ring of video games from both the WWF and WCW in the first part of the decade and give their rankings on their favourites.

JT: Hey Jen… I mean Andy… Or Cowboy? Wait who the hell are you? Regardless you look like someone that played a lot of wrestling video games in the early 90s, so you want to hang around and chat it up with me?

Chris: Who the hell am I? Let me introduce myself.

Chris.

Now that introductions are out of the way, I would be glad to hang out and talk about wrestling games. It’s probably the only genre of gaming that I’m familiar with. It wasn’t uncommon to find a young me, unshowered and surrounded by empty containers of Cup O’Noodles, trying to land a Macho Man elbow on an evil, beaten Hulk Hogan. I can’t recall how many games I played back in the day. It probably goes back to the Nintendo era.

JT: Hey Chris! Unshowered is the best way to game, I would assume. That’s what I am told anyway.

I certainly dove into wrestling video games through Nintendo first and foremost. I have one game we we will start with and then I am going to pull one out the NAHSTALGIA BIN in a moment.

First up… WrestleMania Challenge! I remember this game very vividly. I remember renting it and sitting in my basement and playing on a very old, barely working TV. But I remember loving it.

It had some great theme music, a solid roster and… Rick Rude with short hair! It also had my personal favorite of the day, Brutus Beefcake. The game was interesting because it was centered mainly around the Ultimate Warrior instead of Hulk Hogan (1990, natch).

You remember this gem? Was it a gem?

Chris: A gem?? WrestleMania Challenge? I don’t think so, dude. I will admit, though, that it was a step up from the previous WrestleMania game. The roster was pretty stacked with eight whole Superstars. Guys like Hogan, Warrior, Boss Man, Andre the Giant, Jim Duggan, Brutus Beefcake, Randy Savage and Rick Rude.

However, I remember being disappointed in some aspects of this game. The theme music was there, but it was more like 8-bit versions of elevator renditions of their theme music.

JT: Yes it was terrible. I lied.

But… I was a theme music junkie and it wasn’t as readily available then as it is now, so you took whatever you could get. I loved theme songs so much that I made my mother call WWF headquarters to see if they would sell a cassette of them for me. She did. They didn’t. I was crestfallen. Crest. Fallen.

However… Let us switch promotions briefly to discuss WORLD. CHAMPIONSHIP. WRESTLING.

My favorite game of the very early part of the decade. It was unique and had some different stuff from what the WWF games offered, mainly that you chose your moveset before every match. Plus the roster was loaded… Sting! Flair! Steamboat! Rick Steiner! Road Warriors! THE GAMESMASTER!

I rented this one over and over and over…

Ever have the experience here? If not what was next in your canon?

Chris: I remember the WCW game very well. I also rented the hell out of that one. Not only could you select the wrestlers’ moveset, but they also had finishers, which was the first time I played a game that grasped that concept. The WWF games at that point, from what I remember, didn’t really incorporate finishers and yes the roster was also pretty cool at the time. DR. DEATH(!!), Eddie Gilbert. It had Rick Steiner, but not Scott Steiner which I found disappointing at the time, because I was hoping to pull off a Frankensteiner, the coolest move in wrestling back then.

Interesting thing is that the Road Warriors were on the cover, but they were on the WWF roster by the time I got my hands on this one.

I used to bring this back to the video store where I rented it, and then re-rent it. It got me in trouble with this one older kid at the store one time because I re-rented it in front of him, and he threatened to roll me for it and not return it, jacking up my mom’s rental account with bogus late fees.

JT: Ha! That is an awesome story. And it is a legit threat! That would have sucked man. Did you back down? I hope not…

Yes that was a mindfuck for sure, especially since I didn’t really watch NWA/WCW until 1992, so I was playing with a roster I didn’t have great knowledge of at all. The theme music of the game itself was pretty pimp though.

So, Genesis comes out and with it we get Super WrestleMania. I stayed loyal to NES but my good buddy Jim had it so I got to sample this game but don’t remember much about it. Eventually it came out for SNES too, but I was behind the curve on that. Did you ever dabble into the land of Sega?

Chris: I actually invited the kid back to my place to give it a whirl, then we ducked into a Woolworths where I ditched him and ran home before he knew what was up. He didn’t know where I lived and I didn’t really want him over anyway.

Yeah, Sega Genesis was awesome. I tried Super WrestleMania for Genesis, and the first thing I noticed was that the wrestlers had finishers, whereas the SNES version did not. One of the reasons why I picked up a Genesis, really. My favorite Genesis wrestling game, however, was Royal Rumble. The theme music was all there, the roster was stacked with guys like Hogan, Savage, Undertaker, IRS, Rick Martel, Razor Ramon, Jim Duggan, Crush. By the time I acquired this game, I was of legal drinking age (19 in Canada). My friend, Craig, and I would get into some beers and play video games on the weekends.

One time we teamed up with myself as Savage and Craig as Hogan, and we would go into tag tournament mode. I found myself knocked out on the mat, with one of the opponents also knocked down next to me. Craig, as Hogan, went to hit a legdrop on the opponent, and he nailed ME with it instead! We have no idea how that happened. Needless to say, as marks, we turned it into an angle and would fight each other the next match. Good times!

JT: Woolworths! We need to do 90s malls and department stores in a future installment of this for sure. And good, screw him. It is your right to renew!

I did like Genesis but I was Nintendo through and through and couldn’t be swayed. Royal Rumble was really awesome and Josh Richer and I would have some real battles. Rumble matches felt like they could go on for hours in that game. It was also frustrating that Genesis and SNES had slightly different rosters:

Genesis had Martel, IRS, Duggan, Shango and Hogan!

SNES had Flair, Perfect, DiBiase, Yokozuna and Tatanka!

I liked having Flair and Perfect but I really wanted Hogan and Shango… Papa Fucking Shango in a video game! Baller. Plus the Model’s theme sounded great in that game.

Also frustrating was that on the box for SNES, Mr. Perfect had on his black tights from Survivor Series 1992 but I could never figure out how to get them to appear in the game. Drove me nuts.

I want to circle back to NES and Steel Cage Challenge. The graphics seemed to take a step back but the cage match gimmick was neat plus it featured The Mountie’s theme in MIDI form. I have a good story about renting this game, but first… Any memories of it?

Chris: About the different rosters for SNES/Genesis Royal Rumble: I was a little miffed that the Genesis version never had Mr. Perfect, as he was my #1 guy at the time. My friend, the aforementioned Craig, had both a SNES and a Sega Genesis because he let his pimp hand do the talking like that. I also enjoyed the Royal Rumble match feature that you, as a player, could come back as another guy if you were eliminated…except when you came back as Duggan.

Anyway, on to Steel Cage Challenge. Yes, I remember this game also. I rented this for the NES console many time in my quest to be champ. One note about my gaming skills: I’m not skilled. Where it would take someone a couple hours to beat a game, there were games that I could never beat. Choosing Bret Hart, I would struggle to barely beat guys after the third match in championship mode. One guy that always beat me was The Undertaker. This was the first WWF game to feature a cage match, so i was pretty stoked for it.

You’re right on The Mountie theme. Classic mark out music.

JT: Yes being able to re-enter the Rumble was pretty clutch. To me that was the first game with a ton of replayability (that a word?) and I squeezed every ounce out of it.

I was so psyched for Steel Cage Challenge when it came out. Having that generation of stars in a game was neat and the cage just added to it all.

The day it came out, as soon as I got to my grandparents’ house after school, I called The Movie Center to ask if it was in stock. When the girl answered she said “The Movie Center, Phoenix”. After she confirmed I asked my mother to stop at the Movie Center on the way home to pick it up. Well, we get there and they don’t have it. Apparently there were two Movie Centers and the one I had called was in the Phoenix section of town. I thought Phoenix was that girl’s name. Of course, being 12 and desperately wanting to play this game, I lost my shit and my poor mom drove back across town so I could get it. And I played the shit out of it and eventually bought it. It was a lot of fun, even if IRS’ theme music was just a typewriter clicking and clacking over and over during the match. Looking back, I know the game sucked hard but whatever it was great the time.

Before we go fully into the next generation games for SNES and Genesis, I wanted to toss two more rare ones out there to see if you ever experienced them:

King of the Ring for NES Rage in the Cage for Sega CD

CJ: Your mom was pretty cool to drag you to the other side of town for a wrestling game. I come from a small town and my mom would have made me walk or take my bike. She was NOT cool. And Phoenix is a good name for a girl. It limits her career choices down to stripper or porn star, so it should be easier to decide what to do with her life.

King of the Ring for NES is one that I can remember playing. Rage in the Cage for Sega CD however…I have to hearken back to my friend Craig again. This guy had all the cool stuff back then. He had Sega CD and Rage in the Cage was one I can remember playing at his house. I thought it was cool immediately with the Fink doing intros and short videos. Any game with Kamala in it was kick-ass. That loading time, though. I can remember the game freezing a few times. One time, Craig was one win away from the championship and it froze on him. He started going all Ric Flair on us, dropping elbows like a lunatic.

JT: King of the Ring came out very late in 1993 and got lost in the shuffle because most people had moved on to the next generation consoles. It had a cool roster though: Hogan, Savage, Bret Hart, Undertaker, Michaels, Ramon, Bigelow, Yokozuna, Perfect, Luger (as Narcissist!) and YOU! That is right, our first, albeit very rudimentary, CAW! Plus you could do a tournament, which was cool. My buddy Jim had it and I played it out of pity when I went over his house but eventually he stepped up to Genesis and that was that.

I can’t believe you played Rage in the Cage! We would stare at that magazine ad with jealous eyes, unable to process that such an awesome looking game was just impossible for us to ever play. Kamala! The Nasty Boys! CAGES! CDs? Mind blowing.

OK, we can now dive fully into SNES. We need to talk about Raw, which was a kick ass Christmas gift in 1994, but first… did you ever play WCW SuperBrawl? The KB Toys in the Warwick Mall had it in the discount bin for all eternity and I would always stare at it but never pulled the trigger on the $15 or so it would cost to bring it home. You ever get to play that one? And did you have Raw for SNES? Or were you solely Genesis?

Chris: You know something? I cannot recall the SuperBrawl game, which is weird because my friends and I were HUGE wrestling geeks and how this one got past us, I don’t know. I wasn’t too big on SNES, as I was Genesis-centric. You know another genre of game I was fond of was baseball, and I had the Genesis for another reason: World Series Baseball. But aside from the original NES, Genesis was the only other system I owned.

Now Raw was a game that I played. Again, Friday nights at Craig’s were filled with nothing but wrestling games, wrestling tapes, and backyard wrestling. Our mutual friend Leon tried to make me submit with his figure-four leglock, but I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Anyway, Raw was a kick-ass game, with my favorite character being Doink, because he had that top rope Whoopee Cushion. But this game also had The 1-2-3 Kid, Razor Ramon, Shawn Michaels, Diesel and the late, great Owen Hart! Again, Royal Rumble mode was the best for me, as I had no skill to beat anybody, but could also sneak someone over the top rope if I needed to. That was me: the cheap shot artist.

Did you have a favorite character?

JT: I bet SuperBrawl is still in that bin in front of KB in Heaven.

Yeah Raw had a loaded roster for sure and again the ability to park on the character pages and listen to the themes was big for me. I would dub the themes to cassette and use them for entrance music for my Hasbro figures or my wrestling buddy matches.

The game also had a nice array of finishing moves and stood out for including Luna Vachon, who I believe was the first female competitor involved in one of these games. Was it weird that they had male vs. female violence in a kids’ game in 1994? Doesn’t really fit the profile. Are they saying she isn’t a woman? Michaels and Diesel were my jam in 94, so I definitely favored using them.

Apparently there was a Genesis MegaDrive version that had Gorilla Monsoon (!) and Stephanie Wiand (!!) doing commentary instead of McMahon and Lawler. How bizarre.

A year later we radically take a left turn and are gifted WrestleMania: The Arcade Game. With games like NBA Jam and Mortal Kombat all the rage, WMTAG was much more in your face and…zany? I guess zany. There were exaggerated movements and crazy finishers (Doink’s hand buzzer says hi!) and Vince McMahon screaming (THAT’S GOTTA HURT!) and… it was surprisingly a ton of fun to play. The moves were crisp and the action was non stop. Plus the graphics were pretty great and the details were super sharp. Even though it had a limited roster and even less match options it had great playability and I wasted many hours on it. Did you enjoy this game as much as I did? Or am I in a silo here?

Chris: Recording the themes from the video game for your action figures just shows proof of your hardcore wrestling love. That sounds awesome **coughnerdcough** Oh, who am I kidding? I used to put on weekly shows and PPV cards with my younger brother’s action figures all he time.

Now that you mention it, I totally forgot about the inclusion of Luna in the Raw game. Of course, I would never pick her because I was sexist. I had no issue with hitting her over the head with a weapon, with equal rights and all that. That was definitely the first selectable female character, however. Also, this was the first game where some characters could win with a roll-up. No recollection of a rival’s theme music playing just before said roll-up, though. While we’re on it, I seem to remember that the Sega 32X version included Kwang. I only remember this because my hardcore console-collecting friend Craig informed me of this over the phone one day, which made me do a spit take, literally. YooHoo everywhere. Never got a visual confirmation of that Kwang, however (he really was).

Now Wrestlemanial The Arcade Game is legendary among me and my friends because I ABSOLUTELY HATED IT!! I refused to play it. It had taken my love of wrestling and turned it into an over-the-top, cartoonish display of comic proportions. It was still real to me, dammit, before that was even a phrase to coin! You had Doink pull out a HUGE mallet to hit over the opponent’s head, Bam Bam Bigelow’s fists actually WERE fists of fire! I couldn’t stand it because I wanted realism out of my fake sport. Was that too much to ask for?

JT: Kwang is such a random inclusion. There was nobody else left on the 1994 roster they could have swapped in? Jeff Jarrett even? Sparky Plugg? Bob Backlund! Weird.

It breaks my heart that you hate WMTAG so much! It was nutty but super fun and those graphics? Straight fire.

Ok, so I am thinking we can draw the line in the sand here and spin off a second part that covers the back end of the decade and the next gen consoles like PlayStation and Nintendo 64. Before we go, I have two asks:

– Give me your closing thoughts on the first half of the decade in wrestling video games – Rank all the ones we discussed based on your love and memories, not based on their actual quality as a game

And… one more… who was your favorite character to be out of all these games?

Chris: So for me, looking back at the early part of the 90s, I can say that the games for the most part were not that great, but they were AT THE TIME! It was easy to get stoked for certain wrestlers appearing in the games, the gradual improvement of the theme music and the improvement of the graphics with each console. The downside early on basically came down to moveset and the lack of finishers. We tend to get nostalgic, but really, would any of us go back and play them now on any kind of serious gaming level?

Ranking the games, for me, begins with my #1: Royal Rumble for Sega Genesis.

2. WWF Raw for Sega Genesis 3. WCW Wrestling for NES 4. WWF Steel Cage Challenge for NES 5. WWF Rage in the Cage for Sega CD 6. WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game

This is just the games I played and my enjoyment level of them. My favorite character was Randy Savage all the way. I just wish that Mr. Perfect was in the Genesis version of Royal Rumble, or I would have gone in that direction.

JT: Agreed. Looking back, these games were sort of a hot mess, but at the time they were so cutting edge and amazing to play. The themes and variety of characters are what always sucked me in. They really did make the leap with those next gen games, especially Royal Rumble.

My list is as follows, and is pretty similar to yours:

1) WWF Royal Rumble for SNES 2) WWF Raw for SNES 3) WWF Wrestlemania: The Arcade Game for SNES 4) WCW Wrestling for NES 5) WWF Super WrestleMania for SNES 6) WWF WrestleMania Challenge for NES 7) WWF Steel Cage Challenge for NES (TAKE THAT MOM!)

Looks like Royal Rumble reigns supreme!

OK, we shall part ways for now and soon return to look at the new wave of games for the next set of consoles. We will be back even sooner with a whole new topic. Until then…REJECTED! THAT’S GOTTA HURT! PIN HIM! PIN HIM! PIN HIM! YOU HAVE TO GIVE CREDIT TO… CHRIS JORDAN!

[borisbubbles]

SURVIVOR: GAME CHANGERS Review

I only saw “Worlds Apart” again as a prelude to the latest season, which I hadn’t seen just yet. Keeping in the theme of self-parody, or so it would seem, this latest season was called “Game Changers” and reinforced its titular promise by... casting a bunch of randoms and like... seven legendary players? My personal pet theory the season was meant as a fanwank dedicated to the AWFUL (um, spoiler) Ciera “BIG MOVES!!” Eastin but then she was booted first, WHOOPS!!!!

I only saw “Worlds Apart” again as a prelude to the latest season, which I hadn’t seen just yet. Keeping in the theme of self-parody, or so it would seem, this latest season was called “Game Changers” and reinforced its titular promise by... casting a bunch of randoms and like... seven actually legendary players? My personal pet theory the season was meant as a fanwank dedicated to the AWFUL (um, spoiler) Ciera “BIG MOVES!!” Eastin but then she was booted first, WHOOPS!!!!

“Game Changers” turned out perfectly average in the end. As one might expect from a season with that name, it focused on The Game a ton, which... meh. The game of Survivor is a combo of social dynamics + basic arithmetic;  no guarantee for entertainment in itself, but a solid frame in which a good cast can shine if allowed to do so. As a subject to model a season of reality television around though... eh, no fanks. The Max Dawsons of the world love hearing about OPTIONS and hypothetical scenarios and blindsides, but not I. 

By investing heavily in The Game, I feel production dropped the ball here: The Game basically always pans out the same way, no matter how many gimmicky twists you throw into the mix. Speaking of which, omg the twists were ridiculous, are you KIDDING me??? The default elimination of Cirie Fields, one of the savviest players to every play Survivor, because she was the only person at tribal council to not possess a grossly overpowered advantage and had relied soley on her own cunning, is definitely a low point in the whole FRANCHISE.

So let me state the obvious truth the producers seem to have forgotten: 

It’s the PEOPLE in that game which elevate it because they are differing factor between seasons. Ergo, what makes them tick should ALWAYS be the main focus. Despite a SHOCKING lack of personable moments (there’s transgate and advantagegeddon but both were awful) personalities did -miraculously- manage to shine and made Game Changers... what’s the opposite of “boring”? Not boring? Acceptable? Cromulent? idk. I consider GC being decent dumb luck for the most part. Still, in a world in which once good shows such as Survivor drift ever closer to Openly Bad Television, we should count our blessings when they come. 

~CAST RANKING~

1. Sandra Diaz-Twine Mana Tribe 15th place

THE QUEEN OF SURVIVOR <3 Explaining Sandra with mere words always sells her short. If you know her, you KNOW why she’s #1. If you don’t, well... acquaint yourself

Sassy latina matron whose entire personality can be summed up by “I don’t give a shit. fuck you, adios” <3 Sandra is just INTENSLY charismatic and personable and even mundane shit, like instructing her minions on who to vote out is funny: "so this is the person i think we should send home and imma tell you why: SIERRA. DAWN. THOMAS.. :)”. <3

I’m secretly grateful she was voted off early though because it meant she was spared the editorial dettol and we finally got to see her unplugged. <3 Foolish men would gun for her all the time, only for her to effortlessly turn the tables on them every single time. It’s weird that despite her legacy, people STILL underestimated her. Of course, this all led to her being despised by the goldfish memory’d fraus. “WHO IS THIS “QUEEN” CAN SHE GO I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER WHO SHE IS” the only person to win Survivor *TWICE*, that’s who! THE QUEEN STAYS QUEEN. 

2. Michaela Bradshaw Mana 7th place

All that Sandra worship, aside, I ALMOST ranked Michaela above her. She -too- is one of my all-time favourite players. Like Sandra, Michaela’s awesomeness is difficult to capture in script; imagine if the entire “Candor” faction from the Divergent universe was distilled into one human being; that’s the Michaela Bradshaw experience in a nutshell.

Great Michaela moments include: 

(1) “TELL MALCOLM YA SEND HIM HOME TOO” (2) “SLIDE TO THE SIDE, SLIDE TO THE SIDE”

(3) Desperately trying and -failing- to control her attitudeface

(4) Stress eating at tribal council, accompanied by the usual attitudefaces:

(5) her strategy to keep Culpepper Culpepper from looking for the HII: michaela: “yo brad, go fish” culpepper: “what do you mean “go fish” is that some sort of metaphor?” michaela: “no... it's a suggestion. go fishing, like go fish. it’s low tide.” culpepper: “..........” michaela: “and bring back fish. at low tide.” culpepper: “............” michaela: “...............................” culpepper: “....................” michaela: “GO FISH!!!! >__<”

On most seasons a Sassy Black Girl With Attitude would be an OTT charicature. On Survivor Game Changers however, she was the ONLY contestant who felt like... a real, complex person, with trivial yet relatable struggles (coping with a resting bitchface, putting too much sugar in your coffee, you know, the sort of little things we all know we shouldn’t do but still do anyway). Survivor as a show doesn’t really do such characters anymore, instead focusing on charicaturizing the people with bigger personalities, and sanitizing the rest. It was great to have a character which broke this tendency, even if it were through sheer happenstance.   

3. Andrea Boehke Nuku tribe 8th place

Pet theory: Andrea was secretly delighted that Zeke turned on her, so she could gun for an obvious jury threat WITHOUT looking like an asshole <3

Seriously, Survivor is known for its comically vitriolic feuds (Sandra vs Jon, Marty vs Jane, Judd vs Margaret, Mike vs Rodney, etc) but especially this one? Andrea was SOOO visceral and bitter in that feud and destroyed him in confessionals (”TERRIBLE GAME MOVE. YOU SUCK AT THIS GAME. I HOPE I SEE YOU NEVER.” is a top 5 voting confesh), shaded him to his face (”PEOPLE AREN’T HUMAN CHESS PIECES”) and then actually got him booted lmao <3 She REALLY hated Zeke for feeling threatened by her stardom (lmfao, okay Andrea LaGrossa) and *I* too really hated Zeke, so it worked for me! 

Andrea is a blatant famewhore, but of the best sort: the one who isn’t fully aware of her own compulsiveness to make moves, not for the sake of her game, but for the sake of her own entertainment. Fortunately for us, she has a pretty good grasp on what “entertaining” involves. <3

After getting Zeke booted, Andrea targeted her friend FirstOfficerSarah, claiming she had never liked her rofl she’s too much, stawwwp.

4. Cirie Fields Nuku 6th place

Cirie’s time on this show was a perfect blend of all her previous arcs: overcoming the physical obstructions of being a self-confessed “couch potato” competing on a Survival show, competent yet interesting strategic ploys, getting screwed over by shitty production twists... wait wut????

I loved her fleshed-out relationships with other contestants. In particular: the Ozzy/Cirie paranoia of “will the other gun for me after what happened eight years ago.... hmm... i don’t think so BUT i’ll gun for them anyway :)”, only for Cirie to be blindsided when Ozzy was booted; her Good Cop/Bad Cop routine with Andrea, her insistence to ALWAYS refer to Sarah as “FirstOfficerSarah” and her secret mentorhood of Michaela. Like Michaela, Cirie’s deep relationships with everyone fleshed her out like a real person, despite several instances of gamebothood. 

I suppose now is the time I address her outrageous exit?

So, Advantagegeddon. Cirie getting default-elim’ed because she didn’t have a Ridiculous, Overpowered Rigged Advantage up her sleeve is absoutely fucking BULLSHIT no matter how you slice it. I have no doubts production was hoping something like this would happen at the Final six, just not to Cirie lol, WHOOPS. It totally backfired and will hurt the franchise, mark my words. Survivor is a social game first and a strategic game second and this meritocratic TREASURE HUNT it’s turning into undercuts its basic mechanics. For it to claim the one person commonly regarded as the best player to never win was just... the worst possible outcome? (or best, if it leads to the number of advantages getting culled in future seasons but i’m not getting my hopes up.)

But there’s always the returnee ouroboros to fall back on. Her and JaredGOD (

) for BVW3 plz.

5. Tai Trang Nuku 4th place

On paper, I shouldn’t care too much about Tai: an idol-finding gremlin who streaks and says weird things and talks about the game a lot... MEH

In practice, holy shit he owns. Sinewy, sixty-year old challenge beast gaysian <3 Tai had the best idol-related storylines in the franchise and his idoling of Malcolm was for sure epic. He instigated Advantageggeddon and as much as the moment itself sucked, the back-and-forth paranoia between him and Cirie leading up to it was great. He talked about The Game a lot, in a mr Hyunh-like voice (lolracist), only to succumb to language barrier-induced confusion and panic. His flakiness also inadvertently destroyed whatever remained Culpepper’s social game, lmfao <3 Mess with Taingel and get electrocuted by the halo!!!

Tai’s non-game related content was pretty great as well. Not everyone can pull of stuff such as “loving chickens” and “streaking” but he did, effortlessly and naturally. Tai setting the chickens loose, only for them to shit all over Cirie <3 Streaking  at the one reward because “MY BOYFRIEND AND I ALWAYS TALK ABOUT GETTING NAKED IN ARKENSAS”. <3 It was fun. I shouldn’t counterpoint this with not-fun instances such as  fake-drunk Debbie (X_X) mooning him at the merge feast, but our collective Dillip ptsd must all bear witness. 

IMMA VOMIT -- Malcolm, Tai, all of us. 

6. Sierra Dawn Thomas Nuku 9th place

Alol I can’t even type out her name without being reminded of how Sandra pronounces it. SYEAH-RAW. DAWWWWWN. TAW-MAS.

I kind of LOVE Sierra and I’m not sure if I can explain it properly. She just... really clicks with me? She’s a fun overdog, a scrappy underdog and a comitted townsperson, which means she’s good in pretty much every situation she’s in. As in World’s Apart, she is a disarmingly normal and relatable person among a cast of crazed goons. In Game Changers, this of course meant production had no clue what to do with her, so they made her a non-entity... except lolwhoops they didn’t because she kept tumbling into relevancy time and time over <3 

After the highest heights of the Double Tribe Tribal (the Kiss may actually be my famo of the season, in fact?

), Sierra hunkered down and wrapped Culpepper around her finger and somehow became the New Sheriff In Town around the merged tribe. An UTR floater from a hated season who was a replacement for Natalie Anderson calling the shots on a season dubbed “Game Changers” <3 I love how this universe functions, sometimes.

7. Troy “Troyzan” Robertson Mana 3rd place

um, i know right? I was TERRIFIED of  Troy “Troyhard” Robertson going into the season. I was SURE his getting owned by an alliance of women would have fed his macho ego and turned him full misogynist in addition to his Wacky Self-Serving Memebase Existence. Instead the Kim ptsd emasculated him and drove him into Queen Sandra’s arms, lol <3

Troy was barely on this show, but bear with me. I’ll take a non-entity with a fun and funny edit (everyone CONSTANTLY coddling him like he was a danger to himself AND others <3) over a potential chauvinist pig. Especially when said non-entity was the ONLY male on the original Mana tribe to cockblock Tony’s all-male, anti-Sandra alliance <3 Early Game Changers truly was Sandra’s Island, y’all.

lmao @ his FTC arguments tho

troy: i wasn’t surprused i made it to the end, because i played a really good game² ^__^ jury: ²[citation needed] troy: uhh i suppose i didn’t, whoops, my bad. *deletes his mental wikia page*

8. Hali Ford Mana 13th place

¯\_(ツ)_/¯  <-- Hali’s entire existence on this season.

You can preeeeetty much c/p my World’s Apart write-up for Hali here. She was once again an endearingly weird random, nuanced slightly differently? She didn’t spend her time fetishing over the constitution or regaling what her fourth and fourtheenth favourite things in life are, but in the neverending game of musical thrones which was Game Changers she was a random townsperson who loathed Brad Culpepper (and Culpepper loathed her too?), which worked me too, I guess.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

hali: “please take culpepper out. i beg you -_-” sandra: “k gurl” jt: “nope” sandra: “...hali?” hali: “u do u, guys ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ”

and then was targeted over residu floaterhood and became collateral damage in Sierra and Culpepper’s Plan To Oust Michaela. Sadly, Michaela and Cirie had already bonded, dooming Hali, who proved too peripheral to be worthy of saving. Oh well, it could’ve been worse (I.E.: Michaela going), I guess.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

9. Malcolm Freberg Mana 17th place

Much like how Sandra going early caused her to shown at the full extent of her sass and pizzazz, so does Malcolm benefit from being booted pre-merge. This was easily his most intrinsically likable appearance; *shockingly* without the otherwise omnipresent Golden Boy Edit blinding us... I wonder whether there’s any correlation???

But yeah Malcolm “at his best” to me is him as an analytic narrator/hapless follower and he provided that. He was the ONLY person to openly gun for Sandra while simultaneously understanding why she’s dangerous (ie: not being like “Sandra won TWICE... that must mean something... right??”): that she just doesn’t give a FUCK about anything but her own survival when push comes to shove <3

But we’re mostly here because of Malcolm’s reaction to being idoled out. You know, taking your exit with grace is one thing, but Malcolm is hilariously bad at losing with dignity and thank goodness he is. His reaction to losing the IC in Philippines after fumbling his rigged advantage is my fave non-Abi, non-COOKIES?? moment of that season, ngl. If defeat was a picture, it would look like this:

FWD to this season: "IMMA VOMIT!!!" & “JT IS NOT GETTING A CHRISTMAS CARD, KID COULDN’T KEEP HIS STUPID MOUTH SHUT *supernovas during final words*" hysterical.

10. Sarah Lacina Nuku Sole Survivor

For someone who is fundamentally boring, FirstOfficerSarah had several good moments. I mean, her “last time, I played like a cop, this time I play like a *CRIMINAL*” was the superobvious impetus to kick the Generic Winner Arc into motion, so I happily zoned out of most of the Sarah content... only to be pulled in by a random, unexpected fun moment at the turn of a dime???

“MOST PEOPLE CAN’T TELL WHETHER THE LICENSE PLATE THEY’RE DRIVING WITH IS OUT OF DATE ON SIGHT... *raises hand* I CAN ^__^” A+ Coach refs <3. 

Other things I enjoyed: the way she handled her Vote Steal Advantage (this game had too. many. fucking. advantages.), pawing it off to Cirie, only to be like “welllll actually it’s non-transferable, it says so at the bottom, ... so... can you give it back now? I plan on using it tonight :)” holy crap stone cold.  <3 And the breakdowns. The breakdown DURING Transgate, interrogating Varnercunt about his vile behaviour while calling out all the inconsistencies in his story <3 her breakdown AFTER Transgate, concluding Zeke Smith is the best (only) transgender she ever met in her life <3 Her breakdown AT the family visit upon seeing her.. idk... hubby? boyfriend? whatever Wayne is <3

In conclusion, Congratulations, Sarah, you were an acceptable Boring Gamebot Winner!! That being said, the memory of her becomes ever more distant, akin to a tumbleweed rolling downwind in the desert...

11. Tony Vlahos Mana 19th Place

BAI TONY!!! :) SAY HI TO CIERA FOR ME!!! :) The knowledge that Tony didn’t have a snowball’s chance in hell in going far made him far easier to stomach this go around. This was of course aided by his own obnoxious machinations; for ex: Upon landing at Mana beach he immediately (immediately.) brayed “IMMA LOOK FOR THE IDOL, SEE YA!!!! LOLOLOLO” and darted in to the jungle. <3 Psychotic, bellowing monsterbeasts are so much better when everyone’s in on the joke. Sadly, Tony then OF COURSE had to show is ass by turning on Queen Sandra *sigh*. Oh well, at least we know who won that battle. It also had the added bonus of making TROY situationally funny: Troy catching him in the act of digging out his “Spy Bunker” and making Tony explain why he’s all frantic and covered in dust and debris. <3 and when Tony tried rallying all of the men against Sandra, Troy REFUSED because he was already tucked under her sassy wing. WILL THE SANDRA OWNAGE EVER END???? 

12. Aubry Bracco Mana 5th place

I really like Aubry as a human!!! kick-ass aspergers princess <3 but she was barely on this show when you reflect on it. She had a token confessional every ep to narrate the strategic events to which she was tangentially related. Not bad, but in terms of personal development it’s nothing.

Her epic anxious aspie self eventually DID emerge at the F7 round buuuuut too little to late. It felt like a hollow non-sequitur to me. “LOOK AT AUBRY BEING AUBRY. :) SEE? :) SAME OLD AUBRY :) NOW THAT’S SETTLED, LET’S GET ON WITH ~THE GAME~ FOREVERMORE” cool storytelling, braz. I also did NOT enjoy the valedictorian Aubry/Probst one-two-punch at the end of every tribal council, trying to pimp ~The Game~ as if it were anything more than baseborn arithmetic. “WOW Aubry :o This Tribal Council has really been GAME CHANGING hasn’t it” “Mhm Jeff, I wonder how much the GAME will CHANGE after the vote :)” x at least half a dozen times, are you f’king kidding me.

13. Brad Culpepper Nuku Runner-Up

Culpepper was perfectly adequate this season. His time amounted to a whole bunch of whitemediocre strategy noises and superawkward sociodynamics that were honestly too awkward to appreciate. Luckily those inherently Not Good qualities were transmuted through the Monica megaphone making them Not Bad :) 

It is enough to colour Brad a very pale chartreuse once put through the red/yellow/green feelings-as-colours prism. He had a handful of quirks (Brad the Interior Decorator <3 “What do you mean, GO FISH??? O_O” <3 Being the Matt von Ertfelda to Troy’s Butch Locksley <3 (wait does that make Sierra the Cesternino? discuss.)) and a few Not Good Moments (browbeating Tai, Michaelousy) 

In the end, it all balances out to neutrality. Brad’s story was a reiteration of his spouse’s, nobody does Monica better but Monica. Not Brad, Monica.

lol I thought I’d have more to say about Brad, but I don’t. Sorry boo. 

14. Caleb Bankston Mana 18th place

Caleb was on this season? Like, not even POKING at his being cast as a “Game Changer”, which is pretty suspect in itself, it actually felt like he wasn’t on S34 at all?

lol what did he even do? umm, he pecked Tai on the cheek once, which... isn’t it precious when douchebro’s try to enforce their bromoerotic routine with an actually gay person, but that’s not how it functions. Bromosexuality with a homosexual is just homosexuality, Caleb, I’m so sorry to tell you [/karajanx]. He also had immediately bonded with his other “bro” Tony (... Brony?) and therefore became a semi-sentient anti-Sandra voice. Still voted Tony off anyway tho lol. 

And then he was swapfucked and used as a human sacrifice to grant Hali Ford just enough good fortune hoodoo to stumble into the merge. Which... is the best outcome I could’ve hoped for. If Hali doesn’t make the merge, Michaela gets voted off at the F13, robbing us of her Cirielliance and “GO FISH”, making this season way worse. So gratz for being the meatshield for another meatshield, I guess!

15. Oscar “Ozzy” Lusth Nuku 12th place

Ozzy was... IMMENSELY boring this time around, yep i’ve said it, dwi. Ozzy’s personality is notable for its basic smugness (</3) and delusional self-entitlement (<3) but neither side showed itself, so why should I bother with whatever bland husk was left behind?

Seriously though, Ozzy solely existed as the physical gestalt of the long-haired, athletic, situationally relevant (citation needed on the last one though) white male who catches fish. Apparently that’s all it takes to be the OVERWHELMING fan favourite (um until Transgate oops) with the fraudience. Jesus fucking Christ, I’ll never understand.

That said, I did enjoy his aforementionned dynamic with Cirie. (“she targets me... she targets me not *picks the petals off an imaginary forget-me-not*”) only to stumble into her side at the merge through their shared Andrealliance. A pity this potentially interesting relationship was whisked out of the spotlight like HvV Colberri was in favour of more STRATEGY TALK. Obladi, Oblada, life goes on~

16. Ciera Eastin Mana 20th place

Ciera is often cited as one of Survivor’s biggest game-changers because she VOTED OUT HER MOM... in a unanimous vote.... that was orchestrated by the opposing alliance for splitting up the last remaining family pair in the game... in which she had no say whatsoever, so she just jumped on the bandwagon. SUCH A “GAME CHANGER”!!!

Since then, Ciera has been retconned as ~The Brains Behind That Operation~ and spends her time haranguing others about MAKING BIG MOOOOOVES like she once "made”. *BARF*

As expected, she *immediately* started off her usual spiel by badgering her tribe mates on day two about BIG MOOOOVES. I don’t even remember whom she targeted. I think Tony and Sandra? Wait, the fact that everyone else was already targeting Tony and Sandra at that point proves that it was :) . It is fortunate she did though because it reminded everyone what an annoying brat Ciera Eastin truly is and nixed her at the first opportunity <3

17. James “JT” Thomas Nuku 16th place

As sure as day follows night, so sure can we be James Thomas Jr. is going to overthink a situation and clown himself if Stephen Fishbach isn’t there to hold him by the hand.

Credit where it’s due, JT instigated one of the best tribal councils ever. JT assuming that Culpepper would vote off Sandra based on sweet nothings and then informing him he was voting Sierra so they could idol Sandra out was “Cersei Reinstitutes the Faith Millitant” levels of accidental self-destruction. It created the pandemonic hellscape we all know and love: The Mana’s dancing on the ashes whilst Sierra bestows the Kiss of Death upon a devastated (understatement) Malcolm; Hali and Aubry’s jaws almost literally dropping to the ground, and JT and Sandra both coming close to tears as both of their plans went hilariously awry. It was EPIC and JT put that in motion.

That said, I find him sooooo smug and Michaelous that I just can’t help but dislike his pillsbury doughboy existence. Like, who cares if Michaela eats too much sugar, you just GOT YOUR ONLY ALLY BOOTED, sit back and eat a slice  humble pie. Luckily Sandra was there to mess with his g-ddamn’ mind, eat the sugar, make him feel safe and then mercilessly slitted his throat while he had an idol in his [proverbial because he didn’t even bring it to TC with him lolol] pocket. And people still wonder why Sandra is the best.

18. Ezekiel “Zeke” Smith Nuku 10th place

Ugh, Zeke.

Now, I understand that Zeke is notionally interesting and even likable as a “transmale who is more than just his gender”, but my first instincts were always to be wary of him. it wasn‘t until Andrea articulated her own reasons for disliking Zeke (um, the non-self-serving one), that I understood why I had disliked him myself.

As a transmale, Zeke wishes to prove he’s more than his transgender status, a plight I sympathize with. However, in doing so, Zeke inadvertantly ruins the seasons he’s on. 

(1) his in-game  personality is really barren and insipid. because Zeke avoided talking about himself or his past beyond what is skin deep, he really only talks about ~The Game~ and *snore*. Who on earth is Zeke Smith? I saw two back-to-back seasons of him and I have no bloody clue. This creates the paradox of Zeke’s transgender status being his most notable trait, by sheer force of being the ONLY ~personal~ thing we learned about him. By ignoring it, Zeke is pretty much no different from like... every other droning gamebot this show has produced.

(2) he actively goes after good people. Zeke’s way of getting the confirmation he craves so desperately is to establish himself as a Big Character/Great Player on a reality tv show. I do believe he’s self-aware enough to realize he doesn’t have the panache of a Sandra or a Cirie or even an Andrea but not self-aware enough to realize/accept he’s too bland to ever fill the rifts left in the space vacuum by their potential exits. In Zeke’s mind’s eye, he WANTS to be a Sandra. Ergo, he constantly targets people (mostly women or beta males) who are superior to him in both intellect and personality... I surely can’t be the only one detecting a Girl-Hating Girl vibe from this sort of playstyle, right???

As for transgate, eh. Definitely a memorable moment and one where I sided with Zeke, but it was epic because of others: Andrea breaking down and sobbing, complete with crodocile tears, Tai SCREAMING hard truths in broken English at a backpedaling Jeff Varner, Sarah pointing out inconsistencies and hypocrisies and being SHELL SHOCKED by her first sentent experiences with a transgender person. Zeke himself though, just stared and sat there doe-eyed, taking a moment to ponder philosophically about his ~metamorphosis~. On a human level the correct way to go about the sitch, on an enterainment level valium incarnate .

Ultimately, Zeke is TOO BORING to truly dislike even, and that’s precisely why I do and must? He’s clearly not made for reality television, he’s too earnest and reserved for a game he doesn’t even play well. Idk, Zeke, you’ll have to do something else for a living. Now, I heard there’s a job vacancy for an LGBT  councillor in North Carolina...

19. Debbie Wanner Nuku 11th place

When it comes down to “Putting Up A Character”, only two things can happen. Either you’re hilarious or horrific. This season Debbie pole-vaulted from the Coach/JFP side of the spectrum over to Corinneville and never looked back.

I refuse to recount any of her many insidious attempts at camera-muggery; they all boiled down to the same tired rhetoric of “AHA! I KNOW NOW MUCH YOU LOVE DELUDED OLD DEBBIE!! WATCH ME SAY SOMETHING DELUSIONAL OR DO SOMETHING CRAZY!!! PLEASE POINT AND LAFF. HA HA HA. I’M SO FUNNEH :)” bitch that shit only works when you DON’T fling it in our faces 24/sevs. I wouldn’t mind if she had any wits or originality about her, but nope, she’s just an arsehole. :)

People claim "Game Changers” ruined her, but, to paraphrase my Bio lecturer after I flunked my internship last year, ultimately it was Debbie who ruined herself, so~

lol this was prolly the shortest write-up of them all too. What an epic character.

20. Jeff Varner Mana 14th place

Ho, boy, it’s time to discuss Transgate, isn’t it? -___- I’m not even going to pretend like Jeff Varner’s presence of this season had any other bearing. Neither am I going to dissertate “Should’ve Known Better” scenarios because Varner - working as he did at an LGBT organization based in NorCar - definitely knew better. 

 Fortunately, none of his tribemates were having any of it. I can’t recap this entry any better than having them do all the work for me. Roll that tape: Varner: “What I’m showing is a Deception-” [nb: um weren’t you a pretend bisexual at the time of S2??] Debbie: "That isn’t a deception in a strategic game, I don’t think so :-/” Varner: “Jeff; I argue for the rights of transgender people on a daily basis in the State of North Carolina. I’m just fighting for my life here. I’m not outing him” Tai: “BUT YOU *ARE* OUTING HIM!!!! YOU JUST OUTED HIM!!!” Varner: “I don’t want people to have this perception I am some evil and horrible person” Andrea: “So... what *was* your goal in doing that, then?” Probst: “so, Jeff, you just equated “keeping your identity hidden” to a full-blown deception... isn’t that a giant leap? Don’t you see that’s kind of really bad?” Varner: “Oh I do see that, I feel bad about it. I support ya, Zeke~” Probst: “Dude, you can’t unring the bell-” Varner: “Imnotunringingthebellimapologizingtozeke” Ozzy: “You should be ASHAMED of yourself :-/ You’re playing with people’s lives at this point.” Varner: “I made a horrible mistake. I really thought he was out and loud and proud about it-” Sarah: “if you thought he was out and proud about it, then why were you making a point that everyone should know?  Varner: “because we haven’t discussed it” Sarah: (talking over him) “Because he’s *NOT* out and loud and proud about it.”

At the end of the gay, he really only cared about not coming off as the Bad Person, which... ouch. There’s no rock bottom to his dignity when a mil is at stake, is there, huh?