#though i guess that can be applied to any hyperfixation ever
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jumping on this train i saw from @ericcarrsworshipper!
and here’s the blank vvv
#kissblr#posting#this was hard because i’ve been so hyperfixated on the beatles + kiss that i’ve barely listened to anything else#sigh. the problems of being neurodivergent with a music related hyperfixation#it will not let you listen to anything else whatsoever#though i guess that can be applied to any hyperfixation ever#curse you adhd
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I've been writing my stupid crossover fic and thinking a lot about parallels between Griddlehark and Gallavich, but I've held off posting about it because it's niche, but if I can't go feral about my hyperfixations on Tumblr, there's no point to anything.
(also I wasn't sure whether to post it on main or my Gallavich side blog, so in the spirit of "fuck it" I'm posting here and I'll reblog)
Anyway...
So, like with my I Want the Gun Back Harrow fic, I'm writing a Gideon the Ninth scene with Ian and Mickey as cavalier and necromancer.
The parallels between Gideon and Ian were pretty easy to tease out when I stopped giggling at myself. They are both fierce and goofy. They both make puns and have difficulty playing it cool. They are both absolutely convinced of their own hotness even though they're not socially overconfident. Both struggle to believe they're worthy of love. They both want to run away to join the army, even if they're running from different things.
Mickey and Harrow are, on the surface, a lot more different. They're both verbally abrasive, yes, but Harrow is academic and eloquent... Both things I don't think many would accuse Mickey of. Mickey is physically tough and quick with his fists. Harrow has the constitution and figure of a wet noodle. But I guess she's just as likely to lash out, just with skeletons.
Both have complex relationships with their parents and a lot of trauma, but when it comes to media that I love, that applies to almost all my favourite characters.
But when you get down to it, one really important thing that Mickey and Harrow have in common is that they are Survivors. Moreso even than Ian or Gideon. They do what they need to to survive their circumstances.
This makes them appear like very different people, because they are in radically different environments.
Harrow needs to be the best necromancer ever, which requires raw power, yes, but also intense study and academic determination.
Mickey needs to survive his dad. He needs to hide parts of himself and be tough, smart with money. He needs to be violent and angry because it's expected. It will keep him safe.
Harrow implies she wants to survive to justify the circumstances of her birth, or to see if the Body wakes, but that's not all of it. Plenty of people would have followed Priamhark and Pelleamena because it's too much and she was a fucking pre-teen who had the knowledge and expectations of an adult thrust on her.
So she's a survivor. If she was growing up with a homophobic asshole Dad on the Southside of Chicago... She would do what she needed to. Maybe she'd be more like Mandy because of gendered expectations. But I reckon she'd be like Mickey because she's a lesbian and I definitely don't see any version of Harrow who is still recognisably Harrow following Mandy's path wrt relationships; Another way she's like Mickey is in the "untempered devotion to her ridiculous redhead". I can see a Harrow that gets involved with the family business in a way Mandy doesn't, because it would be a way of making herself useful and staying safe.
And Mickey? He dropped out of school... But he was in an environment where that was expected. We don't know how good he might have been at school with parents who encouraged him, or teachers who didn't see him as a burden and pile their prejudices on him as a Milkovich. You can bet they didn't give him time. I've seen a lot of people headcanon Mickey as dyslexic, and I can see that... Struggling teen drops out of shitty school because they're never getting the help they need is all too common a story.
So put him on the Ninth. Put him in a situation where that academic excellence is not only encouraged but expected and necessary for his survival? I don't think he'd be exactly like Harrow. I don't see him memorising and reciting Ortus' poetry, for example. But he would absolutely study necromancy until he was the best at it. He wouldn't do it exactly the way Harrow does... Maybe his approach would be more instinctive than scientifically rigorous. But he would do it. (And he would absolutely learn to use rigor when required).
So after spending way too long thinking about it, I have reconciled my necromancer Mickey with both canon Mickey and with Harrow.
The only issue I have is that I can't imagine a version of Mickey where Terry has already died and he isn't boning Ian (pun intended) within about six minutes of them both hitting puberty.
I've found a way around this in my fic (I'm making Terry into Crux rather than Priamhark). But they would totally bang in the pool scene regardless. Even if I could come up with a reasonable person to put as The Body (like, who the fuck? There is no one else for Mickey. For hilarity, maybe it's Byron).
Anyway. I'm done for now.
*put the blorbos back in my pocket*
*holds them tight*
#another issue I have is reconciling all Mickey's facial ticks with wearing face paint#locked tomb#tlt#gideon the ninth#shameless#Ian Gallagher#mickey milkovich#gideon nav#harrowhark nonagesimus#I'm also a little bit nervous about mixing bone lesbian Tumblr with gallavich tumblr#but i would recommend the locked tomb to anyone#and shameless to almost no one#but if you are curious make sure to watch safe and check online if you have any triggers because it hits nearly all of them
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Kinda weird question- do you have any links to people talking about Mira from ZTD and ableist stereotypes? I mentioned that I was uncomfortable with her portrayal but kinda fumbled it and made some other ND people in chat uncomfortable. I searched for various keyword combinations but most of what I'm finding is like "and not to mention the ableism with Mira" and doesn't elaborate lol.
Not weird at all! And uh, you see, there's a recent post I made where what I complain about is the very fact I've never seen anyone post too in-depth about her at all, I'd love to see posts that do elaborate on that but I do not have any that I know of right now, sorry :/ hopefully someone else who sees this can point to one? Okay!! After some tag searches I have found exactly one post who kind of gets into it I like this take still would love to see. more than just one but hooray
And like though I complain I couldn't elaborate much on it myself I don't think, I believe most of the posts people make about Saito from aitsf would apply since it's a different uchikoshi take on the very same trope of "emotionless characters who cannot function without killing others" I guess he's a worse portrayal though since she's at least not stated to get reward brain chemicals when killing people and I guess her case also has the added layer of "femme fatale" to it? Which either makes it less bad or worse depending on where you approach it from As I said I am not doing a good job of being coherent on this oh and also there's her being "redeemed" and "cured" in the epilogue which in on itself is kinda not great to imply it just goes away like that and honestly I personally don't even buy it I think she'd just be like oh okay Akane over here has like a thousand reasons to hate me after all that oh and what's that she's the leader of a super wealthy underground organization who's organized one of these death traps before yeah no I'm better off going to prison I'll be fine there lmao bye
But I'll say as an autistic person with relatively low empathy I usually see a character who just doesn't understand other people's feelings and wants to feel them too and is just trying to survive despite getting no help and I just kinda go hm. yeah. shout-out to roxas kingdom hearts shout out to mary from ib shout out that's why I started hyperfixating on media art helps me with understanding others a great lot and Mira is just in a story too badly executed for me to care or even begin to wrap my head around tbh like god she's so fucking terribly used as a plot device in every conceivable way that it makes it difficult to see past it and into what she could possibly be if it weren't for the stereotype of equalling low empathy with no compassion what's with her killing off screen in ways that wildly deviate from her stated m.o? why or how was she even in cahoots with Zero why was that a thing? Honestly her dynamic with Sean could have been better fleshed out could have done something interesting about robot child and his aspd big sis but we just kind of don't get any attention brought to the subject of emotions and the authenticity there of except for the "reveal"...
YOU KNOW WHAT that's probably one huge reason it feels so fucked up actually! Like the whole fucking game is written so you could experience it in whatever order you want and therefore Mira being a serial killer at all is something that though not very well hidden it also cannot be a topic of discussion or explored Ever ever because the player may not have seen the fragment where that is revealed yet- problem being the menu design of that game sucks so bad and practically everyone gravitates towards the same few more interesting looking thumbnails first and then the rest is kinda just there, I mean that is part of the reason A Lot of characters feel half-baked I think but also I think it definitely does impact perception of her character specifically probably The Most and then there's just the general not being given nuance not being able to see the minutiae of how that disorder manifests in her character aside from the killings about how she acts aside from being overly flirty trying to lure in Eric but that affects pretty much all of the new cast we don't have last names and in her case we barely have any backstory at all like Saito is a harmful stereotype sure but we get So Much Context for him that people still love talking about him and delving into different aspects of his life since we have that very well telegraphed in the narrative meanwhile for Mira all we can do is fill in the blanks guesswork that only highlights the worst aspects of the surface level portrayal we got and ultimately that people just don't care enough to dissect because there isn't much there character wise once you remove it
#oh to be miraposting on a sunday evening instead of catching up on schoolwork#I love how you can see the exact moment while writing this that I had a brain blast akdhks#me: sorry I can't elaborate also me: types out. three paragraphs#also if you're comfortable with that I'm curious what you could have possibly said that it'd be considered fumbling#dms are open if you send it into an ask I'll answer privately and again only if you want to share#cause like I want to see different perspectives on this so bad even if they're not eloquent#especially since it's not really something that ever got to me much? but that I can kinda see why it'd be upsetting#my suspension of disbelief is just too tanked for it to get an emotional reaction of me especially with the rest of the cast for contrast#I'm too busy being annoyed at everyone else's portrayal in that game not to mention idk it feels like#like schlocky hollywood no thoughts character archetype go brr type ableism#not the really insidious woven into the narrative stuff that I usually want to rant about cough cough youtube video I'll probably never mak#like pretty sure it's stated somewhere that the idea for her character was uchikoshi going hm. there's been femme fatales in these games#but none of them have been Really “Fatale” you know? he literally just wanted the big booba character to also be the stabby character#zero escape#ztd#mira ztd#if this should be under a readmore. let me know#zero escape spoilers#escape room convention but it's a time loop
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Cloud Nine Contrails: Main Protagonist; Limbo Adkins
Context for Cloud Nine Contrails
Limbo Adkins
(リンボ・アドキンス Rinbo Adokinsu) ✈ 17 years old ☮ female, she/her ☮ ~ 160.02 cm (5'3") ☮ Metro Popper ✈
Modified transcription of above profile:
Could be a distant relative of the Joestars, but there's really no evidence to suggest it, so who knows? She's never been shown with the star birthmark, but she's never been shown without it, either.
Though her father is Japanese and her mother an Englishwoman, Limbo was technically born American, even if she doesn't consider herself as one. Due to her parentage and upbringing, she speaks Japanese and English as a native bilingual.
Similarly to her brother, Limbo's Stand potential and face birthmark were apparently inherited maternally; their father is the only non-Stand User in the immediate family although he's well aware of what Stands are.
Her parents are separated; she lives in Detroit with her Standless father while her older brother and mother live somewhere in Europe, supposedly Eastern France, near the Italian border.
A rising indie musician, but works under a pseudonym online and only ever performs behind the anonymity of a full-face mask, so nobody really knows it's her.
Diagnosed with and medicated for ADHD-C. Has undiagnosed anxiety. Goes to therapy but what the fuck am I supposed to tell my therapist about stand-related issues??? Fuckin'... guess I'll take it to the grave!
Vastly knowledgeable about aviation and aerodynamics. Has a long-standing hyperfixation on aircraft.
Never wanted to end up in a gang, but it's not like she can just leave…
Still in high school. It's hard juggling crime, classwork and Stand conflict, even harder when you're trying to keep your dad out of it.
Limbo lives with her now-single father Tategoto and their puppy Kumori. Her mother, Aurelie-Adele, and her brother, Josh, live in Europe.
Coloured and uncoloured full body references, back and front; profile and 3/4ths view headshots!
Abbreviated personality description from my wiki page for her:
"Limbo is a typically soft-spoken and well-meaning individual. She has a gentle demeanour but chaotic sense of humour ... typically abstract ... [and] borderline Dadaistic. ... [When] put under large amounts of stress, she tries to twist the situation into some form of comedy.
She's incredibly insecure, but rarely speaks about it ... [A] large part [of her insecurity] can be attributed to ... rejection-sensitive dysphoria. ...
She is incredibly modest and polite, sometimes to a fault. ... She is overly apologetic ... be the wrongdoing minor or major, real or perceived, or not her fault at all ... [as] a result of her anxiety ...
She generally likes her privacy ... [to] the point of [wearing a] mask ... to keep her "work" and "personal life" separate. ... [She] doesn't want to be associated with the Metro Poppers any more than she has to.
Though capable of ... and having enacted it on multiple occasions, she greatly dislikes [violence] ... only [harming] others in retaliation and under extreme distress. She seems ... [like] a pushover and ... [as] she's settled into the position, putting her foot down isn't an easy task ...".
why yes, i did just discover the joy of ... and [ ] in quotations!
Design notes for Limbo to help me stay on model! dont mind the gap at the bottom i overestimated how much blank space i needed and also I ran out of things to write. same applies to all of these pictures
「Cloud Nine」
Cloud Nine - Stand of Limbo Adkins
Modified transcription of above profile:
Cloud Nine's ability is to detect, disrupt and disconnect signals. A signal can be defined as an intangible and invisible connection (generally) between two or more things. Cloud Nine's ability applies to anything that is considered a signal or can be defined as a signal by that criteria, be it mechanical, organic, or anything else. It takes the form of a small plane, reminiscent of a drone in size, resembling a commercial jet liner with a few minor elements of a fighter jet. It's not combat oriented, nor is it really suitable for combat, as it's not armed with much beyond a single rotary turret hidden by the central landing gear, which can only wound superficially. It cannot--or at least generally does not--create new signals other than communication signals by radio wave.
Power - C
Speed - S
Potential - A
Range - A
Durability - D
Precision - C
not that stand stats mean anything-
Modified transcript:
Cloud Nine combines elements of a fighter jet and a commercial jet liner. Specifically, the Airbus A320 and the F-18 Super Hornet.
Cloud Nine is similar in concept to Aerosmith, it is a small, roughly toy-sized plane. Beyond that, there are few similarities.
It's a jet, so it uses turbines to fly, meaning propellers would be obsolete and, given its sleeker design, would only get in the way of any artillery. However, it's very lacking in armaments, possessing only one small rotary turret underneath it by the landing gear. Because of this lack of firepower, it possesses a set of propellers to function specifically as a weapon, doing more significant damage than the turrets can.
It does not appear to have propellers, because the propellers typically retract into the nose, and only emerge when they're needed as a weapon.
...It does disrupt its ability to fly if any "viscera" gets caught in its blades, however, so there's a good chance it needs to be cleaned off sometimes. It's a bit gross.
There's a little shadow visible through either windscreen, and it does seem to move sometimes, but it's not clear if this is just a visual effect or an actual entity.
It has two cockpits, one as intended for commercial aircraft and the other as intended for military aircraft. It also features a false canopy on the bottom, which only mirrors the upper cockpit.
For reference, Cloud Nine is a bit smaller than Aerosmith, up to around half of Aerosmith's size, but it may just look that way largely because it's a lot sleeker.
It has antennae-like protrusions underwing on the ends of both wings. These have an indicator light attached to the tips. The antennae are by default retracted and unlit, but when its ability is in use, the antennae extend and the lights switch on. The lights display green when detecting or restoring signals, and red when disrupting or disconnecting them.
Cloud Nine has a headset. Whenever the Stand is summoned, this headset typically appears already over Limbo's ears, or around her neck. It's a fair-quality over-ear aviation headset with good noise reduction as well as a movable boom mic, facilitating two-way communication. When giving orders to her Stand, Limbo speaks to it through the mic.
Interestingly, Cloud Nine actually shows a degree of sentience and is also capable of actually speaking, which is pretty rare for Stands (presumably all Stands can telepathically communicate (or facilitate their Users to do so) but only a few are able to speak non-telepathically, like Spice Girl, Sex Pistols, and Whitesnake); however, it can only speak through the headset. Anyone who can put the headset on can hear and communicate with the Stand, not just Limbo.
It's very rude, though, especially to Limbo herself, and it always sounds like it's yelling. The starts and ends of transmissions are usually marked by a sound like a walkie-talkie.
It relays signal information to Limbo through the headset as dynamic auditory indicators and coordinate info, which Limbo is able to visualise as a sort of "radar grid" to easily determine where and what signals are. It's an effective system Limbo has acclimated to and mastered over time. So, to anyone else, the report is nigh indecipherable.
Another defence mechanism is the ability to spread thick clouds from its contrails, creating areas of low visibility and dense air that's hard to breathe. How it pulls this off isn't made explicitly clear, but in theory, it manipulates some kind of chemical-environmental signals that are meant to dissipate clouds as would normally happen, causing the vapour to condense. Limbo jokingly refers to it as 'making a cloud nine'.
#JJBA Fanpart#JoJo Fanpart#jjba fan stand#jjba fan character#jjba original character#jjba fanpart#Spotify#oc#oc stuff#original character#digital art#Cloud Nine Contrails#character design#fan character#digital arwork#character profile#amby draws#my art#jjba oc#jojo oc
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Here’s something I’ve been wondering about lately…
Clarification:
Local animal applies to any place you live, you’ve lived in, or spent a significant amount of time in. I’m also extending this option to include animals from your country of origin even if you’ve never been there, and also local animals that you haven’t seen in person.
This applies to any pet you, a family member, or a close friend have owned. This option also applies to any pet you’ve worked with, wether you worked with this animal for your main job, or just babysat it as an odd job.
This one can mean either traits the animal actually has (for example, capybaras being mainly peaceful or antelopes being fast) or traits the animal has been given in popular media or by people (for example, bats being evil or owls being smart)
This one’s basically just an animal you thought just seemed cool, wether you liked it’s looks or think there’s something it can do that’s really cool. This option also applies to animals you think look cute, pretty, or creepy. It just generally is meant to mean you found it appealing looking.
This one’s pretty self explanatory, if you have fun drawing an animal and chose your fursona to be that animal because of it then that’s what this option is.
This one’s a little vague, but what I meant is this is an animal you’re super interested in, not for any of the other reasons. It could be a special internet or hyperfixation, or it could be your longtime favorite animal.
It’s if you’ve ever been compared to another animal by people (could be based on physical appearance, personality, inside jokes, or anything else) and decided to make that your fursona. For example, being called a golden retriever because you have a cheery and excited personality, or being compared to an owl because you have big eyes.
This one is for if you don’t really have any special reason for picking it, but just connect with it regardless, or if you just can’t figure out the reason why you feel a connection to that animal in particular.
This one is for if you made a random character, not for the intent of being a fursona or anything, but you ended up liking it enough or being attached enough to it, to the point where you decided to make it your fursona. This could be any character, from the edgy warrior cats oc you made when you were twelve, or the werewolf chars get your made for a DnD campaign last year, to just a little animal character you consistently doodle everywhere. This option also applies if the character was originally human, but you made it into an animal.
This one is for an animal you wish you were or feel like you should have been. Though this option mainly applies to therians or otherkin/animalkin, anyone else could feel the same thing and choose that option. If you made a fursona because you found yourself wishing you could live in the woods or have fur or something along those lines, this one’s for you.
This one’s for if you just made your fursona a random thing without thinking it out. Like if you just randomly thought “hm I wonder what my fursona should be, I guess I’ll go with this”, or if you spent a lot of time thinking about it, but ultimately ended up picking something random for the hell of it, or something similar to that.
This one’s for if your fursona is inspired by a book, game, movie, comic, show, song, etc. This could mean that you were inspired by a character (for example, making a cat fursona based off of Salem the cat). It could also mean that your fursona started off as a self insert for one of these things (like making an animal character to fit into Avatar). Additionally, it could also mean you made a fursona based off of the vibe of your favorite media (like making a machinelike fursona based off of the song cabinet man). This definition is pretty loose, if your fursona was in some way inspired by any kind of media this one’s for you.
If two or more of these options apply to you, pick the strongest or most prominent reason!
If two or more of these options apply and have equal prominence, or your fursona was inspired by something else, add it in the reblogs or comments!
As always, if you want, please reblog with the option you picked and any other fun details, it’s nice to see everyone’s reasonings and it gives me a larger sample size!
#furry#furry poll#polls#therian#tumblr polls#actual polls#furry community#my polls#animal poll#fursona#fursona posting#poll#furry fandom#fandom polls#reblog for bigger sample size
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🖌💚💙🥀😳! :D
thank youuu <3<3
Do you want/have any tattoos?
okay so I can never answer a question succinctly
but anyway, I have this bet with myself that I have to get a [Relevant Blorbo] tattoo if any of the following happen:
- if my old south park hyperfixation comes back YET AGAIN and it falls on either 16/sep/2026 (10th anniversary of when I first got obsessed) or 12/apr/2027 (10th anniversary of when I read the well and the lighthouse by petroica traversi and it rewrote my dna), then I have to get a tattoo of kenny
- if my notre dame de paris obsession comes back at all between now and 9/feb/2029 (10 years after I first bought the book), then I have to get a pierre tattoo
- if I ever end up actually becoming an archivist before july 2027 (5 years after the swag archive made me realise I wanna do that as a job), then. swag tattoo (not looking likely though, applying for archive related jobs is horrendous lol)
- and if coronation street ever ends before I'm 33 (10 years after I was obsessed with it bla bla etc) then yeah. hilda tattoo
and then if none of these things happen then I win. against myself. idk what the prize is yet.
do I actually want a tattoo? probably not (based on how much my earlobes are still overreacting after over a year, I don't think my skin likes things being done to it)
if any of these things happen will I actually go through with it? I also dunno yet lol
why did I decide this in the first place? bored
What's your favourite colour?
I feel like green is my default colour, but I do also like that hazey ethereal dream pop aesthetic type pink or purple. I guess those kind of shades would be my fav colour visually, but sentimentally it's probably green
What colour is your bedroom?
lilac (with a lot of beige areas bc the walls are kind of peeling lol)
Favourite animated movie?
the aristocats <3
Do you like your name?
yeah tbh I was thinking about it the other day and it's actually a vibe? like I've never really thought about it bc it's always been just. always been My Name. but looking at it on its own as just a name that exists, it's quite nice tbf
#for fav animated film I was gonna say south park: bigger longer uncut bc even outside of that hyperfixation it is just a banging film#and probably in my top 10 ever#but i didnt wanna mention sp twice in one post on my main lol#but the aristocats = childhood banger so it's also in the top 10#tis i#asks#atlasllm
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Forgotten Light Chapter 13: Tunnels
A/N: Hey there, long time no see. Left to hyperfixate on Doctor Who for a while, but I’m back on my Fablehaven business. This is a long chapter, it probably should be two chapters in the final version, but I really wanted to get the tunnels part out. Also, let me know if Kendra’s crafting is making sense and if the dialog for this chapter is working out. Very important chapter.
1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / 5 / 6 / 7 / 8 / 9 / 10 / 11 / 12 / 13
Chapter 13: Tunnels
When Kendra woke up the next morning, she knew Ronodin had left. The night before they had eaten dinner separately, and while Kendra focused on reading or staring at the library wall, Ronodin hadn’t come out of his room. She saw him for a moment as she went to bed, but he turned away from her.
It was confirmed by a note on the countertop.
Love,
I hate to leave while we’re fighting, but I have to go handle another errand for our host. Despite your doubts in me and what I implied, I will be back for you, and we’ll go on another little adventure. This is what we have to do until we can go on the bigger adventures together in the sunlight. At the bottom of this note is another design for an amulet you might try, and we’ll both be working to shorten your quarantine.
Ronodin
And Kendra was back to feeling bad all over again! She went back and forth all yesterday afternoon about apologizing again, promising that Mendigo wouldn’t stop him if he tried to leave, or holding to her words. It was dangerous. He was trying. She was being difficult. She had a right to be difficult.
Sketched at the bottom of the note was a triangle amulet, with crescents open to the left. Inside the triangle was a circle inside an oval with an ‘x’ through it, bisecting in the center of the circle. Because you have to carve intent into every craft, Kendra had to go look up what the symbol meant in the dictionary he gave her.
The triangle was a curse, and the eye a symbol for blindness. Putting it within a circle, she should be able to direct it only at certain people, namely enemies. Did she want to blind her enemies? On the one hand, it was the same principal as her weakness charm. No harm, unless they intended to harm her first. On the other…
As someone who can count on her hands the number of rooms she’s seen, as someone who is alienating the single relationship she has to get a glimpse of sunlight, and as someone whose most prized possession is a landscape painting of the outside, could she take away someone else’s sight?
Maybe she could limit it to cursing people not to see her. An invisibility charm was a lot less problematic than a blinding curse. Combing through the books didn’t give her any insight on how to limit the blindness. In fact, applying Ronodin’s charm as is to a circular amulet wouldn’t even limit duration. It would blind any enemy that looked at her once, permanently.
It would take good craft and magic application to create, and a single mistake would make the magic run out halfway through the first use of the amulet, leaving a person…partially blinded? Blinded in one eye? Temporarily blinded? It didn’t say, so Kendra had to put a couple of concepts together to make a guess. Magic based on gaze was actually the most magic consuming type of enchantment. That was all it said, so Kendra went looking through her little library for more of an explanation.
She managed to clobber together answers from five different books:
All magic is reactionary, a person must interact with the spell caster or the enchanted object for the magic to be applied. The safest place from magic is away from it. Simply seeing something only activates extremely rare curses and enchantments, usually crafted from Dragon parts, because it just required that much magic. Touch is the most common type of curse conduit, and came in the variations. Presence within an enchanted area or physical contact with the item or caster were the most common. Proximity casting is rare, but technically falls between touch and sight in terms of magic usage. There was also gaseous spells, which technically also operated based on touch, but the enchanted matter expanded, so that’s also deserved a special mention.
Kendra was a limitless supply of magic. If she wore a sight-based curse, well crafted to actually create an effect, it would never run out of juice. It would fully infect others every time. It also couldn’t be used against her to the same potential.
If she made that work, there was no way Ronodin could justify keeping her locked up.
But what if…what if her brother felt like he had to harm her in order to get her to go with him? She could blind him, and not even know it. Is that what old Kendra would have wanted, after giving up her memory for him? No. Temporarily feeling too weak to chase her? Fine. Permanently blinding someone with good intentions? Not fine.
Kendra left the books open and went into the hallway.
“Mendigo?” she asked, and the puppet walked in front of her. “How many hours ago did Ronodin leave?”
Mendigo held up two fingers.
“Did he say words as he left out the front door?” she checked.
Mendigo shook his head. Ha. She knew that he had made that up to keep her from stealing the key.
“You have to follow all my orders, correct?” Kendra checked. And the puppet nodded.
“Are there things I can’t tell you to do?”
Mendigo hesitated, then nodded his head.
“Are the things you won’t do if I tell you impossible because Ronodin ordered you not to do them?”
Head shaking no. She couldn’t ask him about the things he couldn’t do, Mendigo couldn’t handle questions more complicated than yes and no.
“If I gave you a paintbrush, would you be able to write out explanations to longer questions?”
Mendigo shook his head no. Drat. Complicated magic, but not an intelligence behind it.
Could she craft a puppet like Mendigo? Probably not, not unless there was some kind of wood that wanted to become a limberjack. None of her books said anything about creating a little bit of intelligence, enough to answer questions and have memory. But maybe if she got good enough. Though why she’d want another when she already had Mendigo made it a moot question. It was probably impossible anyway.
“Mendigo, the things I could ask you to do and you wouldn’t,” she asked, “is that because they would be impossible for you to do?”
He nodded, and pointed at the front doorknob. Right, she had told him to open the door, and he couldn’t.
“Would you be able to tell me if Ronodin is the one really giving you orders?” Kendra tried.
More hesitation, then slow nodding.
“Has Ronodin ever given you any orders that you followed?”
More nodding. That didn’t actually tell her much. Ronodin was her secret boyfriend, if she had ever once said ‘Mendigo, do what Ronodin says,’ then the answer to this question would be yes.
“Are you currently following any of Ronodin’s orders?” she said. Vigorous no.
“Right,” Kendra said, feeling a little better. “From now on, you are not to follow anyone’s orders but my own, under any circumstance. Will you be able to follow that order?”
Here came the longest pause. Was it because she was asking him a question about the future? Maybe the enchantment didn’t allow for questions like that.
Slowly, Mendigo nodded his head. That was good.
For the rest of the morning, she settled on making a stronger version of her first amulet, temporary weakening based on intent and proximity. Maybe if she made that good enough, she wouldn’t have to permanently blind someone just to be free.
Ronodin showed up in the late afternoon, but didn’t fully enter the apartment, instead choosing to stand in the doorway.
“I see you didn’t take my suggestion,” Ronodin said, nodding at the newly carved amulet in her hand. She had taken a break to grab a snack from the kitchen, and found him there.
“Is this your way of checking in on me without having to let me out?” Kendra asked, rolling her eyes.
“Well, I ran into a snag when arranging your fake death,” Ronodin explained, “A quick video of you telling the person to help me will fix all my problems. I need to go back out again right away —”
Kendra sighed, “You can come in Ronodin, Mendigo won’t stop you from leaving.” Because it felt like the properly dramatic thing to do, she leaned against the hallway wall and slid down until she was sitting. It took a small adjustment, but her current red dress was stretchy, and she managed to do it modestly.
Ronodin came and slid down beside her, and the door swung shut.
“I’m sorry for acting like a brat,” Kendra said. “it’s not fair, and there’s no excuse, but it’s just so frustrating being locked up like this.”
Ronodin smiled, “Believe me, I know more than you can guess at what that’s like. Think you’re ready to hear why my family hates me?”
Kendra nodded, sitting up straighter.
“Forever ago, I started to question why the Fairy Queen was the ultimate authority on what was good and what was bad in the world. There were five other thrones, and they all play important roles in keeping the world functioning, and they all had different ideas of what was good and right than the Fairy Queen. But mortal wizards sided with her, as did human adventurers, and every kind of mortal agreed: the Fairy kingdom is the brightest light, and we should all strive to their ideals.
“Never mind the naiads and great fairies who kill because mortality is funny. Never mind the imps and the abandoned nipsies. Never mind the philosophies of balance that demand that destruction is just as important as creation to the continuation of the world. Never mind the strength of not picking a side and acting according to your own will and conscious. It sickened me to be part of such an oppressive kingdom that claims the moral right in everything.”
Ronodin drifted into a memory. “What did you do?” Kendra asked, bringing him back.
“I corrupted my horns,” Ronodin said simply, “It took a bit of time and a lot of favors, but I was able to break myself from the Fairy Kingdom. The Queen doesn’t command me anymore. I owe allegiance only to myself, and that’s how I want it to be. Some of those favors contributed to people getting hurt, but I can’t regret it. When I saw you going through something similar, I knew I had to talk to you. And now, here we are.”
“Here we are,” Kendra echoed. Sitting in the depths of some underground labyrinth, fighting over prison keys and the greater good, Kendra with no memory of who she was, and Ronodin fighting the same battles he’s fought his entire life over freedom.
Kendra leaned over and touched Ronodin of her own volition. Nothing romantic, not really, just her head resting on his shoulder. A silent show of support.
She sat up after just a minute, because she liked sincere Ronodin much better than flirty or angry Ronodin. (Flabberghasted Ronodin still held top spot).
“Let’s get that video for you,” Kendra said, then paused. “Wait, no one is going to get hurt when faking my death, right?”
Ronodin shook his head and took out his cell phone, “I promise, no humans are going to be harmed in the faking of your death. I just need some help creating a believable fake body.”
Kendra gave a little smile, “Doesn’t it ruin my fake death if someone knows about it and is helping you set it up?”
“Be very vague,” he advised, “The vaguer the better, so that when we do fake your death, even they will be convinced.”
“Okay then, what should I say?” she asked. “Am I talking to someone specific?”
Ronodin pointed the phone camera at her, “No, I’ll probably need to use it on a couple of people. Just tell the viewer to help me. Don’t mention my name directly, if you can help it. The less they know about who you’re with, the safer you’ll be. Ready…three, two one.”
"Oh, um, hi,” Kendra waved at the camera sheepishly, “I’m not sure who is going to have see this, but this guy is actually helping me. If you could lend him a hand, that would be great and I could get out of here much faster. Thank you!”
Ronodin then changed the view of the camera so that they were both in the picture, and gave a little wave. “Anything for Kendra.” He placed a quick kiss on her cheek and caught the start of her blush before he stopped recording.
“There, that should be convincing enough,” he said, pocketing his phone.
“I assure you, that kiss was unnecessary,” she said, folding her arms, still red.
He grinned back, “And I assure you, my caterpillar, that it was completely necessary. Another one for the road?”
Kendra stood up rather than let him take another kiss. They had had a good moment, she wasn’t going to let him ruin it. He stood up as well.
“I’ll probably arrive back while you’re asleep,” he said. “Can I see how you’re doing with that amulet? You chose another weakening one?”
“I’m not ready to permanently blind my misguided family,” Kendra said, handing over the amulet.
Ronodin nodded, “Well, you’re progressing. A lot more magic took in this one than your first try. It’s well on the way to making fatigue hit anyone who lays a hand on you.”
Kendra frowned, “I was going for proximity, still not enough focus?”
Ronodin nodded, “The applied magic isn’t strong enough, nor is the craftsmanship. You accidentally cut all the way through one broken link, making one of your four chains whole, and you really oversanded the top. Don’t worry, we’ll work on it some more when I get back. This is a skill like any other, it’s going to take time. You’ll get better at this, I promise.”
Kendra nodded, sighing over the flaws he pointed out. “Is ‘have fun’ the wrong response for the task of faking my death?”
“Oh,” he said grinning, “After the stunts you pulled, I’ll be having lots of fun. Don’t go crazy.”
“You’ll be the first to know if I do.”
Mendigo stepped out of the shadow of the doorway as Ronodin approached, “It’s fine Mendigo. Ronodin can come and go as he pleases.” Kendra said.
Mendigo stepped back and Ronodin stepped past and closed the door without a backward glance.
Knowing she lost the fight, Kendra returned to the craft room. She took that feeling, and turned it into the desire to weaken those that would make her lose with every paint brush stroke.
The second medallion was certainly more than just wood and paint when Kendra was done with it. It felt…expectant. Waiting to fulfill its purpose. A spiked trap, waiting to fall. It was kind of exhilarating, knowing what she had created had force and abilities beyond her.
Kendra had wielded magic.
Kendra looked back over the amulet that Ronodin has suggested she make, then ran to one of the books she had referenced that morning about how to build in a command. A dual check, the person had to want to harm her, and she had to want to curse them. She could make that curse.
All it needed was a second circular border with a notch, and Kendra would have to hold it and intend to activate it before it would blind someone. The pattern was more complex than what she had attempted before, but after all her reading, she felt ready. She switched to a block of wood called stiltseia, because the description indicated that it’s flowers alternatively flashed darkness or bright light each time the flowers bloomed. It felt right for this project.
Kendra worked though lunch, snacking on the bread and cheese that populated their kitchen. This time she made sure that if her carving tool was touching wood, she had her magic gathered and turned towards blinding enemies. The emotions feeding this purpose were vengeance, ambition, and desire to lash out. She didn’t have strong vengeance on her own, but Lady Kuychia wrote the book on vengeance, and Kendra had read it. Towards the end of Lady Kuychia’s life, when her husband found out about her shadow charmer abilities, he accused her of being pure evil, stole their children, and put a ‘kill the witch’ order throughout the entire countryside surrounding them. Vicariously, Lady Kuychia’s burning vengeance took shape in the amulet, to permanently blind those that would harm her.
Lady Kuychia had never gotten vengeance herself, if the handwritten note in the back indicating that the conquistadors pillaging the area around her village had hung her, after she kept putting out the fires meant to burn her. They caught her when she had sacrificed herself in a distraction to give her children a chance to run away from the Portuguese raid. Her husband had spat at her on his way out with their children. The children were captured and killed the day after their mother had died by hanging. Those emotions fueled the carving.
Except the outer notched circle. Following instructions, she focused on her need for control. The battle to control her negative emotions took place outside her body for the first time, as she ordered the power of the amulet into the circle, and into where she said they should stay. There were two different types of magic under her hands, the negative emotions of the amulet and the unyielding neutral control being pushed through her tool. Building a wall around the fire pit.
Kendra added a coat of paint right away, it didn’t feel bound tightly enough without it. This time she selected a dark purple paint, phantom tears and harpy blood. She was going by instinct, but tears also came from the eyes, and harpies seemed like the kind of creature more than happy to take out your eye for taking their blood.
It came out a color so deep, it was almost black, but the purple seemed to highlight around the cuts of her design. She hung it on a hook over the fire, next to the one she had made that morning. Three amulets down. No way to safely test them.
Crafting two amulets was exhausting enough that she wanted to take a nap. First, she had to clean up the mess she had made in the library.
Unfortunately, she had to guess at the places she had taken the books from. She had a vague idea of the organization: magic books left of the fire, histories and biographies on the right, and close to the door were the reference books, but without being able to read all the languages, she was mostly guessing.
Kendra scooted a space a little wider to make room for where she thought a book was supposed to go, and a yellowed piece of paper fell from between the spines. Kendra put the book away and picked up the paper.
To the current occupant,
You’re probably like me, someone whose abilities can only be used voluntarily, so they are keeping you locked up here until they can convince you to do what they want. I have no hope for rescue, and I refuse to do what they ask. I expect to die here, but I have hidden notes written in Silvian, and hidden them around the library to pass the time. If there is nothing else to my life, maybe these notes will make the duration easier for the next occupant.
So far I have discovered a single secret tunnel going out of here. Twist the head of the goblin statue and the wall will become permeable. I won’t survive outside this room, but maybe a prisoner better suited for this environment could use it to their advantage.
Peace,
Maykrill of Anksonling
Not what she expected to find, but she was wide awake now. It took a little bit of digging, but the goblin statue was directly diagonal behind her favorite reading chair. What kind of prison cell has a tunnel in it?
The tunnel probably didn’t lead outside, there was no way she was that lucky, but ‘anywhere else’ still ranked pretty high on the places she wanted to be.
The statue was a little taller than her palm, and currently being used as a bookend. The goblin made an icky sound when she twisted the head, like she was killing a living thing, and the small stretch of wall between bookcases became hazy. More gas than solid, and while she had to turn sideways to fit, she made it through just fine.
Unfortunately, she could barely see in front of her face. With how good she’s gotten at hiding her light, there was practically nothing. Should she un-dim herself? It would let things know where she was when she probably didn’t want them to, but she was probably already glowing a little anyway.
Kendra reached out and touched a wall, which immediately lit torches filled with the same blue fire that haunted her own apartment. Hiding wasn’t an option. Should she go back? But what was she waiting for? Ronodin wouldn’t be back for a couple of hours yet, it was mid-afternoon. She might not get a better chance to figure out more about where she was.
If someone asked her what she was doing, she would just head back. And she’d stay out of the dragon invested grotto. A quick check showed that the wall was completely permeable from this side, meaning she wasn’t going to be locked out. Unless the twisted head operated on a timer. But she wouldn’t be able to test that theory without it being too late to do anything about it. Her best bet would be to make the most of this current foray, but if she didn’t leave for long periods of time and she didn’t get locked out, she might be able to keep this secret until they were cleared to leave this place. She grabbed her second amulet on her way towards the tunnel.
So much for Ronodin winning their battle of wills. Ha.
Kendra crept along the corridor, her bare feet quiet along the ground. It sloped downward, and she thought there was a very subtle switchback before it opened another fuzzy wall. Fuzzy on her side, hopefully solid on the opposite side. Stepping closer, she tried to get a good view of the room before she set foot.
The room seemed large, enormous even. It was dimly lit with sporadic torches, the stone darker than in her hallway. A neutral jean blue darkened into marbled navy, made to look even colder by blue flame. Kendra glanced down at her bare feet, and really hoped the ruby necklace actually warmed her up and didn’t just shut off her perception of cold.
There were large structures scattered about the room, and Kendra narrowed her eyes, trying to figure out the nearest one through the wall.
“I know your mother taught you better manners than to skulk when you know people can sense you, Ronodin. Please do leave me be, I’m not telling you anything else, and this constant taunting is rather irritating, even for you.”
Her eyes adjusted as the boy spoke. Because he was a boy, and based on his voice, couldn’t be much older than her, probably Ronodin’s age. She could catch the outline of bars, bent in around a circle, like a bird cage. Almost appropriate, given that this boy’s voice was the most melodic she had ever heard. Beautiful as Ronodin’s, but in a different way. Clearer, somehow.
“Fine, I will simply annoy you in return. I don’t think High Sylvian has ever graced these halls, join in if you remember the words:
Follow the wind,
The one that blows of honey and rose
A caress, a brush, steady and slow
Follow the wind to Asamelle
Trail the stream,
Of cerulean and lily pads green
It bubbles laughter and splashes song
Trail the stream to Asamelle
Chase the light,
It hovers and flickers at the edge of sight
Whiter than ever beheld, brighter than ever-ever lived,”
The boy’s voice cracked here, and the imperfection in the perfect song made her throat grow tight. When he started singing again, it was just a little more raw, and Kendra had to cover her mouth.
“Chase the light to Asamelle
Chase the light home.
You followed the wind, and trailed the stream,
chased the light, found the dream,
Home, to Asamelle.
Moonlight blossoms, viridian forest,
Wave to the naiad, dance to the Djini lyre
Unicorns race and run through the mire
You have come home to Asamelle
Beneath the tiger sky, follow softly,
Pass tree-grown houses, and beds of petals new
The final rise gives way to Heartsworn
The crowning jewel of Asamelle
There’s so much light, it’s too bright,
Push forward; the sun was brought to house,
The virtuous beings of Asamelle
An orchestra of birds, winds, and strings
Elf and Phoenix dance with the grace of falling leaves,
Step forward, part of the dance, the moment, the chance
Asamelle sings you home.”
A tear slid down her cheek. An honest tear, her payment for the song. It was so full of love and longing; it would have been a sin to not be affected.
“Hang on, Ronodin would never have listened to me sing that,” the boy said, “Who are you?”
Kendra fled back to the library. She banged her hip on her way through the secret passage, and curled up in her armchair.
Her heart was thumping, pounding, her face hot. What was wrong with her? She just…all she needed was a moment to calm down and collect herself. That prisoner revealed a lot, she just needed some space and time from his voice to be able to process it.
The prisoner was so sad. How could anyone keep him jailed away like that? Was Asamelle his home? Why did he ever leave? It sounded beautiful, in a way that looks fragile but is more solid than anything else. A sculpture that appears to be made of glass, but is actually of ice or diamond.
And the part she didn’t want to think about: Ronodin is his jailor. He seemed to know Ronodin quite well, well enough think he could tick Ronodin off. And considering Ronodin’s relationship with his home, that song probably would. The boy thought she was Ronodin, there to question him some more. What could Ronodin want with him? How many more of her schemes would Ronodin tolerate until Kendra was in a cage next to the boy?
If she was trapped down there, would he sing for her if she asked?
No. The goal was to get out to the sunlight, not end up another bird in a cage, one much more unpleasant than her current residence. Why was he in a cage? Ronodin was all about freedom, and making sure people had the space to make their choices. He seemed to hate that Kendra was in a cage, Ronodin wouldn’t imprison someone else without reason.
Things weren’t adding up. Should she wait to confront Ronodin about it? Should she go talk to the trapped boy? Kendra thought she could make another trip before Ronodin came back tonight. Who would be more likely to lie? The boy or Ronodin?
Kendra needed facts. Evidence. Mendigo was under her full control. She had a brother named Seth. She chose to give up her memory. Ronodin loved her. She was fairykind and could use magic to make enchanted objects and see in the dark. Everything else she knew came from Ronodin’s story.
Kendra wanted to talk to the boy. And when Ronodin came back, she didn’t know when he’d leave again. This could be her only chance.
The goblin’s head was back to normal, and she broke the neck again. Kendra also took her second amulet, to weaken those who would harm her, not the blinding one. If the boy had the intention of harming her while she was down there, her curse would strike. Possibly. Not that he could do much from inside a birdcage.
The hallway had darkened, but lit once again as she touched the wall. Surer than the first time, Kendra hurried down the secret tunnel to the half-there wall. Once again, Kendra stopped.
“I know you’re there,” the boy called, much softer this time.
Gathering her courage, Kendra passed through the wall, halfway. She spotted an identical goblin statue, this time part of the brace holding up a torch, and went through all the way.
She walked forward, and a light sprung from inside the cage, small and dim, it illuminated the boy.
He was handsome. Unbelievably handsome. Kendra couldn’t remember seeing the cover of a magazine, and only knew that they depicted pretty people. She felt like she wouldn’t ever need to see a magazine; the boy in front of her screamed that kind of impossible perfection. White hair, blue eyes, unblemished pale skin, cupid’s bow lips that had fallen open at the sight of her.
Too late she remembered that she was currently wearing the stretchy red dress, a ruby medallion, a white cursed amulet (luckily that eyesore was tucked under her neckline), and her hideous orange cardigan. Her hair had been brushed and tied back before she started crafting, and she certainly wasn’t wearing the makeup in her bathroom. She felt a thousand times grungier than she had before.
The boy’s face changed, hardening, and he turned to speak to the general space around them, “Nice try Ronodin. I’m not going to lie and say I expected you to send a fake Kendra,” she jumped when he said her name, “but she really needs some work. This one barely glows, much less radiates like the sun. I’m honestly more surprised you let through such a bad copy.”
“Oh, um, Ronodin didn’t send me, I’m kind of here without him knowing, so I’d appreciate it if we could keep this a secret,” Kendra said nervously, tugging at her cardigan, hoping to turn it into something less ridiculous. “And I can shine brighter, but it seems to bother people, so I dim it.”
The boy raised his eyebrows in disbelief, “Kendra could never be dim.”
She unclenched the mental fist halfway, removing part of the block on her light, and immediately things became easier to see. One of the nearby cages started grumbling, so she dimmed it again.
He stared at her, and Kendra blushed and shifted under his gaze.
“Um…, I came to ask you some things,” Kendra tried, eyes drawn to the floor. This was not how she expected this to go. “But mostly, I really liked your song. Is Asamelle your home?” That was not what Kendra meant to ask him about, and blushed. Hopefully he couldn’t see in the dim light the way she could.
“Asamelle was the capital city of the old Fairy Realm,” he said, with disbelief. “Kendra, look at me.”
It clicked in her head, “Oh, you know me, don’t you?” she said, doing as he asked and looking at him. “I’m sorry, but I’m having some trouble remembering you at the moment.”
“And I’m still having trouble believing you’re the real Kendra,” he said. “Not knowing who I am isn’t doing you any favors.”
Kendra shrugged, “Don’t take it personally, I don’t know who anyone is. My oldest memory is turning a key that made me lose my memory. My brother Seth was there, and Ronodin, also an angry guy that claimed to be the King of the Dragons, and a magical dwarf. We were all fighting over a stone and my brother kind of won, I think, then I faked my own kidnapping and brought myself here. I really am sorry I don’t remember you.”
He was shaking his head slowly.
“There are so many things wrong with what you just said, but I’m still having some trouble believing you’re Kendra and not some Ronodin knock off sent here to torture me,” he said, “Do you mind letting me confirm your story?”
“How?” she asked cautiously.
He held out a hand through the bars, “It’s not bad, just touch my hand, and give me permission to see if you are telling the truth. I can’t see anything you don’t want me to, and you won’t feel a thing.”
Kendra pulled back a little. “I don’t know your name, and I don’t know who or what you are. I’m sorry, I really don’t feel comfortable doing that.” Could all unicorns do what he said? She might be in a lot more trouble with Ronodin than she thought.
“I’m Bracken,” he said, retracting his hand and backing away, “We’ve done this before, if you really are Kendra. I’m a unicorn, and the Fairy Queen herself vouched for me.” His eyes softened, looking over her again, “I’m sorry, whatever is going on, I don’t mean to frighten you. I won’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with, though it will make trusting you a little more difficult. Please don’t be afraid of me.”
Oh, he was kind. Why would Ronodin imprison someone like him? Being a unicorn the same age as Ronodin explained the comments about Ronodin’s mother and the polite dislike. The name Bracken also sounded familiar…
“Oh no,” Kendra said, covering her mouth. It all came together. Bracken was Ronodin’s cousin, the one she was engaged to while secretly seeing Ronodin.
Bracken’s eyebrows raised, “I will admit that’s the first time my name has evoked that reaction. You remember something about me around your mysterious bout of amnesias?”
Kendra wanted to run away again. No wonder Ronodin knew it wasn’t safe for her to leave yet; people from her old life were already tracking her here. Why hadn’t Ronodin told her? Of course, he didn’t tell her, she spent so much time fighting him. Was Ronodin worried she would leave, or demand to leave until she hated him? This was all wrong and not fair, and Kendra didn’t know what to do.
“I’m so sorry for what old me did to you,” Kendra said. “I don’t know why I led you on, I’m sorry.” Kendra put her hand over his, which was suddenly gripping the bars of his cage. “I give you permission to see the truth of my words.”
Bracken closed his eyes, and his forehead creased, “It’s…blank. I can sense your memories for a time, then its just gone. You gave them up, but it is your mind,” he said with disbelief. “You are really Kendra.”
Bracken frowned, “There’s something awful here, dark, but nowhere near strong enough to block your memories. Do you remember any other curses? Or maybe you have a cursed item?”
“Oh, um, I made it today, to protect myself from people who would do me harm? It’s a little new, but it might be what you’re talking about,” Kendra said, pulling out the medallion.
“You did what? Kendra, you don’t make curses. That’s dark magic,” Bracken said, clutching the bars of his cell, “Listen to me closely, whatever you do, stay away from crafting curses. How can you even do that?” Which verified Ronodin’s words. Her crafting had been a secret, he did think she was evil, as was her art. There was just one more thing to check.
“Are you familiar with Mendigo?” Kendra asked.
“Your puppet? Kendra, I feel like you’re not listening to me. Whatever Ronodin said —”
“Does Mendigo only do what I say or not?”
“Well, yes, Mendigo, as I understand it, is keyed into the commands of you and your brother, and whoever you tell him to listen to.” Bracken said. “I don’t see why that’s important. Look, Ronodin is evil, you can’t trust anything he says —”
“What about my family?” Kendra asked, “Do they really imprison dark creatures against their will?”
Bracken’s eyebrows rose, “What? In a manner of speaking they do, because nothing else would have the chance to grow and flourish if we let them out. Demons, the unbound undead, dragons, they would destroy everyone and everything if given a single chance. You helped put so many of them away. They’ve killed your friends and family. It isn’t an unjust prison sentence if that’s what Ronodin told you. They all chose darkness and destruction, or it’s their nature and life sentences over huge tracks of land to roam seem more humane than killing everyone in an effort not to die ourselves. You and your family are the best people I know. Good people. Ronodin is twisting the truth for his own ends if he says differently. You are a good person Kendra, you don’t craft curses. You don’t chose evil, you can’t. It isn’t who you are. Don’t listen to Ronodin’s lies.”
“Ronodin said the exact same thing,” Kendra said sadly, and Bracken went quiet, “Except, he knows something you don’t, something we couldn’t share with either of our families because yours hates him and mine wouldn’t understand. I’ve been enchanting magic objects for a while now. I met up with Ronodin in secret, and fell in love with him. I ordered Mendigo to kidnap me from my home so that we could be together.”
“Wha-no, no, no. That doesn’t make sense,” Bracken said, hurt crashing through those beautiful blue eyes as he drew back. “That can’t be true…I…you let me into your mind a week ago. Please believe me. You met Ronodin for the first time this past week.”
“He’s a little rough,” she defended quietly, looking away, “We’re learning our way around each other again over my memory loss. He hates that we have to stay cooped up, but he knows who I was better than anyone else.”
“That’s a lie,” Bracken insisted, “He doesn’t know anything about you. He doesn’t know that falling rain makes you think of your friend Lena. He doesn’t know that your favorite way to travel through the air is being held by the Dragon Raxtus. He doesn’t know that your cousin Warren would die for you, after seeing you die once already and being unable to stop it. Ronodin knows you less than you know yourself right now. I get that you-you might not be able to believe me right now, but find Seth, find your grandparents, they’ll be scouring the earth for you. They love you so much, and you love them more than anything in return.”
Bracken’s voice was low and sincere. His voice had cracked again, like it had during his song, his tell that the emotion was just too much. So utterly certain he was right. But Kendra didn’t know a Lena or a Raxtus or a Warren. And she couldn’t ask Ronodin about them, because then he would know she went wandering.
Why couldn’t the old Kendra have fallen in love with Bracken instead?
“Why did Ronodin imprison you?” she asked. “Was it…was it because of me? He and Seth mentioned that we were��intended.”
“Oh, um…I mean…That’s not...we’re, um,” Bracken said, flustered. He wasn’t blushing, but unicorn blood was silver, could he blush? Did he sparkle more in the light when blushing? Pooling silver instead of red? “I would have come for you, I swear, but uh, Ronodin got to me first. I’ve been here a week-ish. Hard to tell the days, the guards aren’t regular on feeding us. I’m not sure what he wants to do with me. He was helping overthrow preserves and trying to set dragons on the world to massacre humans, so I was sent to stop him, but he got the jump on me.”
Ronodin would try to negotiate better circumstances for the dragons, and starting them from a place of freedom is something he would do. Keeping Bracken for no reason? That didn’t sound like something he would do. Bracken being sent off to stop his cousin? Bracken looked fit, but she would probably bet on Ronodin in a fight.
What was the truth in all of this? Where was it? Except she knew where it was, locked away with her memories. This was the first time she felt like she needed her memories. Kendra had missed them before, but if what Bracken said was true, then Ronodin was brainwashing her. If what Ronodin said was true, she had purposefully led Bracken to believe the way he did, and she had escaped from the consequences of the harm she caused someone who seemed so honest and sincere. Why couldn’t she just know. Like a normal person.
“Would I give up my memory so my brother wouldn’t have to?” Kendra asked.
His eyes were soft, awkwardness leaving, “In a heartbeat. Seth has suffered much, often by his own folly, much because he was a child in a world too dangerous for someone with his curiosity and kindness. He has trouble knowing who to trust. You supported him, gave him strength, pulled him out of his misery, helped clean up his mistakes, but you wished you could bear some of the burden for him. If given the chance to spare him pain, to keep him from messing up without his memory and creating new guilt, Kendra Sorenson wouldn’t hesitate to give up her memories.”
His hand raised, and she noticed a piece of hair falling in her face, he hesitated just short of her, and then pulled his hand back to the bars.
“Sorenson,” she said, fixing the loose hair on her own, because she’d start crying if she didn’t speak, “Is that my name?”
Bracken nodded, smiling, “Kendra Marie Sorenson. Your first name came from a book your father loved, your middle name is the same as your maternal Grandmother’s middle name.”
“I want to believe you,” Kendra admitted. “But from the things I know for certain, you’re probably a victim of my own lies.”
“You are goodness,” Bracken said simply, “Goodness and light. Ask yourself if what you’re doing feels right, feels good. If it makes you a better person who helps people and creates good things. Don’t listen to Ronodin, don’t craft curses. If you find a moment to escape, take it. Take it and don’t look back. Head to upstate Connecticut, ask for the Sorensons. You’ll find people who can help you.” Bracken tensed, “My jailor is coming, hurry away, don’t stop.”
Kendra rushed to the goblin statue, twisted the head, and hurried back up the hall.
Back in her little apartment, she took off the amulet and held it up. It had felt good crafting it. Honest. Part of who she was before that she had reclaimed. What was true and what was false?
#Forgotten Light#Bracken#Kendra Sorenson#Brackendra#I love this chapter so much you have no idea#Thanks for being patient#The hyperfixation choses you#Fablehaven#Dragonwatch
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Hey Audit, how can you tell if something is an obession/compulsion? Can you experience that without full-blown OCD? (Tw since I'm going to go into vague detail) I get intrusive thoughts about causing harm to others and I spend a lot of time after getting those thoughts trying to "cancel them out" by thinking something in the "opposite direction" is that makes sense. It can impair my day-to-day activities. Do you have any resources that I could go to so I can better understand my dilemma? /gen
(This is coming from someone who hasn't known about their OCD very long and has yet to really interact with the community a lot so take this with a bucket of salt)
Honestly it's pretty hard to tell? Intrusive thoughts aren't unique to OCD but do they feel like...obsessive? From what I can tell non-OCDers are encouraged to ignore their intrusive thoughts rather than trying to cancel them out so if you can do that somehow (distractions, mindfulness/grounding exercises, etc.) then it's probably not an OCD thing(?) (But that's just a guess don't take my word for it)
How I tell if something is an obsession is if I fixate on it. I actually mistook this for my ADHD for years bc I was thinking "Yeah I have these really horrible hyperfixations I haven't told anyone about and they make me actively miserable and I'd give anything to stop them but I can't" but that was an obsession.
Some of these can last for years (We have one that is a direct result of repressed trauma that has worsened and worsened over the past 13 years or so but I'm not comfortable giving details)
And some can be more momentary. Like the brain recognizes that 1. Racism is very bad actually 2. I am capable of and often times oblivious to it. So this means my brain will spew whatever bullshit I know to be bad already literally any time it can. (This is different from times I'm actually perpetuating it and absolutely not an excuse for that, as this is stuff I know to be bad already. The brain just fixates on anything it can to make me feel like a bad person)
With OCD intrusive thoughts range in intensity but very often are completely unavoidable. If I ignore my intrusive thoughts they just repeat over and over in a loop because my brain is obsessing over it. I've had times where my brain obsessed over the repressed trauma thing and I was like no I don't want to compulse over this it's painful so I turned on a video game to distract myself but my brain just threw these thoughts at me over the game repeatedly until I gave up and compulsed.
Compulsions are things that you do to ease the obsessions (and said obsessions spawn from fears. I'm afraid of hurting innocent people so my brain obsesses on ways I could be bigoted or harmful, my compulsion in this case is two fold with repeatedly correcting each intrusive thought to defend myself like "no that's not right because-" and then to over explain everything I ever say around people I don't know well because if I'm not perfectly clear I'm a bigot actually/s)
Some compulsions are physical
Searching a room every time you enter to make sure it's safe
Checking to make sure doors are locked every time you go near front/back doors.
Looking behind a shower curtain when you go to the bathroom multiple times to make sure no one is in there
Etc.
And some compulsions are emotional or mental
Repeating things (not necessarily in the same words just. Really looping back around and thinking all the same things) mentally in response to intrusive thoughts
Apologizing too much to people
Daydreaming or visualization (MADD and OCD can intersect)
One very specific one is oftentimes if I feel afraid I'll tell someone my fears because the universe likes to prove me wrong so ocd is like haha yes it'll be ok now
Basically a compulsion either pacifies a fear through unrelated means ("im scared I'm a bad person but if I keep washing my hands I'll feel clean") or seeks to embrace it ("if I relive this traumatic memory every day I'll realize I deserved it and then it won't be trauma anymore" as you can see these ones are particularly heinous)
So that's OCD as I understand it. Unfortunately I don't have any resources because I happened to self dx after talking to a close friend with OCD and we've just sort of talked about it. If anyone else knows good OCD coping methods and resources though I'd be thrilled to boost them and also see if I can apply them.
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A Fanfic Writer Interview
Thanks for the tag, @runicmagitek. <3 Sorry I'm slow at responding to this one, it's been A WEEK (a month, a year, two years, etc.)
This got long, so it's under the cut.
Name: You can call me ali!
Fandoms: Forever interests that operate like run-on-startup background processes in my mind: Mass Effect, Dragon Age, FFXV, Sailor Moon, Kushiel's Legacy, Legend of Korra, Transistor, the Wheel of Time (though tbqh I mostly love the worldbuilding from WoT and applying it to my own nefarious queer purposes). Current full speed ahead hyperfixations: Hades, The Locked Tomb series, Mass Effect gets a double mention because ME:LE violated the fandom's DNR order, and original work (does it count as fandoms if I am the creator in one case and co-creator in another case? I'm going to be kind to myself and say yes).
Two-shot: A one-shot with two chapters, says Google? I don't have any. I DO frequently write things with the intention of it being one and done and then continue them.
Most popular multichapter: Artificial for sure, a.k.a. that one cyberpunk AU no one asked for that will probably only ever get finished if it's re-tooled for original work, but who knows.
Actual worst part of writing: FINISHING. I have a million ideas and almost as many started Google docs or Word docs, but having the focus and commitment to finish is an actual struggle. I have the utmost respect for people with multiple longfics marked as complete.
How you choose your titles: If I manage to write a line I love that fits thematically with the story, that. Sometimes I'll come up with a title reflecting the story that isn't a direct quote. In all other cases... so many song lyrics. So, so many.
Do you outline: Yes! As a reformed pantser... who knew having a game plan of where your story is supposed to go helps? My outlines typically don't look like the structured, roman numeral style formal English jams, but rather me writing in a document as if I am screaming enthusiastically to a friend about what will happen in the story and where it's going. My worldbuilding outlines are more structured simply because I want to be able to find and reference information easier.
Ideas I probably won’t get around to, but wouldn’t it be nice?:
The transmasc Kaidan Alenko/Shepard canon-adjacent thing I have sitting in my drafts
A Hades Megaera/Aphrodite E rated one shot involving a bratty Aphrodite, Meg having a lot of emotions despite herself, ambrosia consumption as a sex-pollen adjacent thing, inappropriate use of whip handles, and so, so many orgasms.
Transistor!AU, but make it Megthanzag. You get to guess who is the traumatic weapon.
A Gen FFXIV fic with a conversation between the WoL (my WoL, even though I know how fandom feels about OCs) and Emet-Selch about the burdens of carrying a world, a people, a cosmic fate on your shoulders.
An Amos-centric fic for the Expanse exploring one of the significant relationships later in his life (book Amos, not show Amos)
Callouts @ me: You can write fic all you want, but you are not allowed to post ANY multi-chapter thing until it's done. Also, a reminder fic is for fun, damn it. Relax.
Best writing traits: I have been told I am a deft hand at characterization and action scenes. I like to think my prose is improving and that I have a style I can fit into multiple genres. And of course, I feel like I'm known for obsessive worldbuilding at this point, which I am glad people enjoy as much as I do.
Spicy tangential opinion: I will borrow several bullet points from Runic first because they have some great ones that align with my views (which shouldn't be considered spicy, and yet!):
"Unless the author explicitly asks for feedback, no one gives a shit about your ~profound critique~ on a fic you actually didn't enjoy at 3am on a Sunday" - x1000. I have betas and critique partners when I want critical feedback; I do not need or want it from strangers on the internet (with the exception of not minding typo corrections or other minor stuff).
"If at any point you feel the need to be hostile towards another human being online over Fandom Things? Just turn your computer off, walk outside, and find a new hobby." - I get we are all a passionate bunch in fannish communities, but fictional characters are not worth hurting real people's feelings over, full stop.
"You don't magically abandon all the things you love when you turn 23 or whatever people think is old these days. Honestly? The best fics I've read are from "older" people, probably because they have more experience with both writing and life."
"If I take the time to put up tags and warnings on my fic, it's not my fault if someone stumbles on it and doesn't like it." - with an addendum that operating on 'don't like, don't read' and 'your kink is not my kink and that's okay' will save you so much heartache in the long run.
You get out of fandom what you put into it. If you spend most of your time obsessing over your kudos/hits/notes/engagements, tearing down other creators, and ranting/venting about what you don't like instead of supporting what you do like... you're gonna have a bad time.
I'm a multi-shipper at heart for every fandom because exploring a variety of character dynamics excites me. In addition to wishing fandom would sometimes take the shipping goggles off, I wish some monoshippers wouldn't take the existence of every other ship besides their OTP as a personal threat to both their personhood and fandom experience.
Not gonna tag anyone but if you made it this far, write fic, and want to answer, please do so and consider me tagging you!
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Thanks For Ten ❤️
Starkid has been such a constant fixture in my life that it’s strange to think it’s only been around for ten years. At the same time, I remember the first time I watched A Very Potter Musical, a couple months after it went viral. I was in third grade and had read about it on some Harry Potter fansite, so I pulled up Act 1, Part 1. But I was an eight-year-old nerd who hadn’t yet realized I could be both the Smart Kid and the Theatre Kid—I didn’t see High School Musical until I was in high school myself and thus never learned from Gabriella’s arc—so I was actively suppressing my love for musicals. There’s also the fact I didn’t understand some of the jokes, which I’ll attribute to my youth and purity and also my lack of High School Musical knowledge. I decided the show wasn’t for me and promptly forgot about it.
A couple years later, though, I was raving about Harry Potter to a Girl Scout camp counselor who asked if I’d seen AVPM, and when I told her no, she acknowledged I was probably too young for it. I didn’t take it as a challenge immediately, but that conversation sat in the back of my mind for a while before I revisited it. The second time I watched it, I fell in love, and I fell hard.
So many of my memories of early adolescence involve Starkid, and I look back on those memories with so much fondness. I remember my friend and I unabashedly singing “Granger Danger” during science class; I remember another eleven-year-old friend approaching me at the lunch table, shell-shocked, and when I asked what was wrong, he told me he’d tried to watch Me and My Dick. I remember when the 2014 Summer Season was announced, and somehow (that is, through nonstop chores and yard work), I got to go. I went on GIMP and made my very own T-shirt design by dragging the Brush tool to spell out “Meet me at my place, the Fortress of Friendship!” in block letters inside a crude Superman logo, printing it out on that iron-on transfer paper and carefully applying it to a craft store white t-shirt. I wore it to Ani, where I asked Brian Holden to sign it, and it became my pride and joy.
Everything about the Summer Season was, for lack of a better word, totally awesome. Waiting in line for Ani, a group of older girls were kind enough to talk to me and my mom. She acknowledged that she’d worked in theatre herself, and therefore had seen a lot of risqué performances, and asked them “if there would be anything she’d blush at”; for some reason, those girls and I insisted there would be nothing of the sort. I can’t believe she didn’t drag me out at the first mention of Death Star boobs. But I loved the show, and I adored Trail to Oregon the next day. The Dikrats may have their official canonized names now, but to me, that family will always be Bitch Tits, Little Shit, Rico, Genghis Khan, and Jeff Blim Bacon.
Meeting the Starkids after the shows, though, was by far the best part of the experience, and I don’t know if I really have all the words to describe it. It was beyond inspiring. They all treated me with such humility and kindness; it still stirs me every time I think of it. A couple of them even seemed surprised that I asked for a picture. To know that each person in this group I adored so dearly was so grounded and kind… It was amazing, and looking back on those photos makes me smile despite myself; I was an awkward, gangly, anxious, overeager kid, but in every photo, my eyes are shining with happiness and my lopsided grin is wider than ever.
After a while, I fell out of complete hyperfixation, but Starkid’s shows stayed present with me. I sang the songs, referenced the jokes, dreamed of playing the characters, and watched AVPM every year on July 31st, but it wasn’t the degree of obsession I had in my early teens. I watched Firebringer the moment it was released, and I raved many times about how incredible it would be if they released the rights—and here we are!
Even though a couple years went by without hyperfixating on Starkid, my love for it stuck with me through years of difficulty with mental illness, and that means everything to me. I remember a very hard day when I didn’t know what to do or how to go on. I listened to “Not Alone,” and I cried, and even though I felt isolated and small, I felt at the same time that I was loved and that there was hope for my life and my future. That one moment has stuck with me, but it is not the only time Starkid truly helped me save my life.
Even with all the impact it had on me, it wasn’t until I watched The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals that my hyperfixation returned in full force. I had been anticipating its release for a while; when it was announced, I was about to leave my home city to go to college in Chicago, and I was so pumped to see that I would finally be living in good old Chi-Town when a Starkid show was released… only to learn that it would be playing in Los Angeles. But I guess I forgive them for not catering to me specifically, because seeing TGWDLM for the first time (and the ten times since) was extraordinary, and I was immediately in deep.
I’m The Starkid Girl again, and this time, I’m not self-conscious about it. When I was younger, I usually hid my passions, fearful of judgement, and my love for Starkid was no exception (except, of course, for that wonderful impromptu “Granger Danger” karaoke session in the middle of science class). I was a nerd; I knew what it was like to have people make fun of me for the things I found awe-inspiring, so I kept myself hidden, singing “The Coolest Girl” day and night but never quite having the courage to put myself out there in real life. Now, though, I’m going back to Starkid, and I’m not afraid to show it.
It’s wild to be in Chicago now, to live in the same city where so much of Starkid’s work was created. The first time I went to a counselor whom I now visit weekly, I took the L, got off at Belmont, and was amazed to see that my new counselor’s office was one single block away from Stage 773, where I had been so struck with awe at Trail to Oregon and Ani five years before. Every week, I walk past the giant “773” with reverence, and before I get back on the L to go home, I walk past the station to get a coffee at the Starbucks right past the Annoyance, where so many Starkids have performed. Typing it out, it seems silly, but it truly instills me with so much joy and inspiration to know I live in the same world as these people who have done such amazing things, people for whom I hold so much respect and admiration.
Because I myself am now a year into college, I’m even more struck at the ingenuity, dedication, and talent of the college kids who produced a hilarious Harry Potter musical ten years ago, and even more grateful that they took that success and continued to create and perform and inspire people with their productions. Whether it’s with Starkid, associated companies like the Tin Can Bros, or unrelated groups, the work all of these people has done never ceases to embolden me not only as an aspiring actress and creator of art, but also, most importantly, as a person. Starkid is a group of wonderful people who have done wonderful things, inspiring so many people along the way, and I cannot thank them enough for it. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.
This has been far too long a note, so I guess I’ll wrap it up before it gets too late. I just have one more episode left in my rewatch of Choose Our Destiny.
— Lelah
#thanks for ten project#starkid#theatre#personal#long post#i'm very tired and couldn't figure out how to submit#so i decided to take the alternate route#christ this is long#words just poured out of me#but i didn't want to abridge it as i wanted all my love to be clear#who do you want me do be—ernest hemingway?#i write in purple prose and i will not be shamed#only 8 gifs left before my 10th anniversary set is finished!#8 out of 48#we're in the home stretch
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*:・゚✧ soz ryan, i saw that post and i physically couldn’t not join in on the info dump for my modern verse (bc god knows how long ive had these in my head) note: this is somethin im still workin out so things are bound to change down the line!
robin has adhd! so often he has trouble focusing on things and can get distracted, hyperfixates on things he’s interested in and sometimes gets overly passionate abt them in conversations, and often has to have some kind of fidget toy bc his hands have to always be doing something. (this can be applied to main verse too, but i feel more comfy having it known in this verse instead.)
bc he’s almost always around the smell thanks to his job, he’s basically adapted his natural scent to be coffee+vanilla. but its thankfully not overwhelming! just soft and comforting.
robin loooooves sweaters and hoodies. he’s almost always seen in them, but there’s a rare sighting of him in tank tops too! though his sweaters and hoodies tend to be very soft and slightly oversized.
his apartment is relatively neat/clean and tends to stay that way, but his personal workspace is a fucking mess. a genuine train wreck. parental advisory is needed if u wish to see it. but on the bright side, at least he’s got tons of books n such around. so there’s that.
robin loves animals!! they naturally are attracted to him and he’s a personal big fan of cats and bunnies. he rarely keeps them as pets tho bc of apartment rules so he opts to find homes for any he finds, buuut im sure he can’t help himself with keeping one or two (guess what they would be).
youre hardly ever gonna find him not doing anything. reading, working, cleaning, going out on walks, etc. he always has to be doing something thanks to his adhd. the only times he can sit still are when he’s sleeping or forced in bed bc of sickness, which is as rare as him naturally being still in the first place.
hes got a lot of hobbies and interests! ofc he likes reading and all that nerdy stuff, but he’s also a big fan of history, anything related to space, listening to music, likes anything floral and even plays some video games from time to time! he loves discovering new aesthetics and working with them.
#《 ϟ. eat my ass spirits! 》 (ooc)#《 ϟ. tactic notes 》 (headcanons)#★. stars align once again; a new time (verse)#the a.dhd bits are all from personal experience btw
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((Headcanon time!))
Subject: Will’s Feelings on the Myths of Johto
aka Why Lugia is his favorite Legendary Ever
((As I said before, Will likes Johto. It’s full of such long and interesting history, and he’s the type of nerd who was always enamored with learning about all the various stories of, say, Feudal Johto, or its war with Kanto, etc. (and he did learn about Kalosian history too since his Dad was Kalosian, but that’s for another hc). He preferred listening to such stories rather than read about them, though. He didn’t really have anything against books, but it’s just that the stories seemed much more easy to listen to when spoken aloud by someone. Made it come more alive to him.
Anyways, as he got a little older, he began to notice that many bits of Johto’s history intermingled with mythical accounts of divine intervention by Johto’s Legendary and Mythical Pokemon. The two that interested him the most were Lugia’s intervention in a war/subsequent creation of the Whirl Islands and the legends of the Forest Guardian, Celebi. Ho-Oh and the Burned Tower was up there too ofc, but regardless, he was confused when so many of his classmates and even some teachers say that such accounts were just myths. He was still on the innocent phase of ‘but x said it/I read it in a book so how can it be false?’
The thing is, even as he reached his teens, he kept hearing and reading about the stories in many books. He didn’t get why there was so much confusion in Johto regarding the Legends. It kinda bugged him a lot that these Legends that played so much of a big role (supposedly) in parts of Johto’s history were possibly just a myth. If they were a myth, then what really happened, y’know?
And yet, at the same time, it also fascinated him.
Mysteries always made Will curious and hyperfixate on them. It tickled his curiosity, made him wanna investigate and find all their secrets. So, these conflicting accounts on the myths of Johto had a strong hold on his attention. In fact, both during and after the circus, wherever Will would stop in his travels, if he heard rumors of a myth or legend or any kind of mystery, he’d tend to want to investigate it. And as he traveled all over the world, he got to explore many different, mysterious places, even if exploring them went against his better judgement.
Usually, when Will investigated the spot of some mystery or myth, he’d be able to ‘sense’ something in the area. Be it something off or the actual presence of a higher power, ever since he was a kid, he knew when some ‘unusual’ power was near, and he learned to trust it, even if it wasn’t very exact.
Even though he was already pretty confident in its ability, there was one incident in which Will became fully convinced of his sense’s ability to detect true living myths/Legends and to never doubt it again (detailed in next para; skip it if you don’t feel like reading it).
During his travels, he explored the woods outside Veilstone City in Sinnoh. He’d heard of a secret path that led to an ‘evil 4th Lake of Sinnoh’, and he wanted to check it out. And, well, he didn’t even need to ‘search’. Even on the main official path leaving Veilstone, Will could feel an unnaturally powerful presence coming from the East, into very deep woods. All he had to do was follow its ‘pull’ so to speak, and soon enough he wound up at the Spring Path. As he went along, though, he noticed that his sixth sense was starting to react more and more the farther along the path he went. It felt very much like the sense he got when he was near Ghosts, and while it unnerved him, he at least wanted to put on a brave face and push farther until he at least caught a glimpse of the 4th Lake. Eventually, he reached a clearing, spying the edge of a large lake at the bottom of a depression. Just the way the lake sunk INTO the ground as opposed to being even level with an islet rising UP at the center was enough to tell him he had indeed found the ominous 4th Lake, Sendoff Spring. And it was a good thing he was able to take note of all this so quickly, ‘cause the very next moment after he set his eyes on the Spring, his sight became momentarily blinded as an eerie vision flashed before him. It was his sense, which was going absolutely crazy, flashing him a vision of a dark, six-winged monster swooping through the shadows. The level of cosmically horrific strength he sensed, paired with the frightening vision, was so overwhelming that he turned around right there and fucking ran all the way back to the main route. Of course, what he saw was a vision of Giratina, but he didn’t know that till he found the right book at Canalave Library.
So, even though this incident gave Will fucking nightmares for weeks (and still does on occasion), it did do two important things for him. First, it affirmed that he could indeed sense real, living Legends if he was even a fair distance from them. Second, it jogged his memory.
See, at first, Will had thought that incident in Sinnoh was the first time he’d ever experienced his sixth sense showing him a vision of the thing it was detecting, but the shock of ‘seeing’ Giratina made him remember he’d ‘seen’ another creature with it before.
It was when he was very little. Around 4. His parents had taken him on a vacation to Cianwood to chill at the beach. Now, even before they arrived at the beach, he heard all the old stories around town about how bad children get shipped off to Whirl Islands to be punished by a monster etc., making him reluctant to go. It took his parents’ constant reassurances they were not taking him to the Islands to calm him, but once they got to the beach, Will quickly started to get upset anyways. He couldn’t stop crying because he kept seeing a ‘bird with a mask’, believing that it was gonna come ‘take me away to the Whirl ‘lands and punish me’.
Reflecting on this memory now, Will realized, he had been sensing Lugia, all the way out on Cianwood’s shores.
So, naturally, when he returned to Johto later on, shortly before he officially applied to be an Elite, he set out for the Whirl Islands. He had to see for himself if he could still sense Lugia, or if he was even remembering that correctly. Of course, before he hit the Islands, he decided to check out the other mysterious locations in Johto, such as Ilex Forest, too. Unfortunately for him, though, he sensed nothing. Not a thing from any place he visited in fact. It kinda felt disheartening not finding any signs of proof for his home region’s myths, but he still went thru with checking Whirl Islands as well.
He started Surfing towards it on his Slowbro from Olivine, and initially, he still felt nothing. By the time Olivine was a dot on the horizon, he started to second guess himself a bit. Perhaps he’d just seen a Murkrow or Delibird as a kid and he was remembering wrong, y’know? But no, for once he was happy to be wrong; once he was a little deeper into the ocean, he got a similar feeling to when he was on Spring Path, though not as strong. A litter closer to the islands and sure enough, Will began seeing visions of a ‘masked bird’, surrounded by water. Seeing as he wasn’t running away like he did at the Spring this time, the visions persisted, flashing by every so often. His sense was naturally screaming ‘danger’ like it always did when it detected something, but he didn’t turn away this time. Stepping onto the Islands proper, which notably felt very intimidating to him, he kept pushing onwards through its cave systems.
Again using his ‘sense’ to lead him down the right path, he eventually did come to the imposing waterfall that comprised Lugia’s chamber. Here, his sense again was going crazy, and the scale of the room was quite intimidating to Will as well. The visions were pretty regular while he was in this room, but he could still tell that the ‘source’ of them was farther away. Later on, he read about Lugia in more detail, taking note of how Lugia lives at the bottom of the sea in fear of causing damage to others. So, having ‘seen’ where Lugia lives, Will now felt instant empathy for it. He knew what it was like to have to isolate oneself to ensure your powers don’t hurt anyone, and he also knew what it was like not being able to return to your former home. It made him feel bad for it, even though he was also aware that for all he knew, Lugia liked the bottom of the ocean.
Nowadays, Will still occasionally visits its chamber in the Whirl Islands, both because of his infinite mystification with the Legendary Psychic-type and to ‘give it company’ on the off chance it actually wants human company. He doubted it cared, but y’know just in case right? He never touches or destroys anything while he was there, not even fight the wild Pokemon (Teleported out of battle), so he’s doing no harm. He just sits there, really, thinking, awestruck by simply feeling its presence))
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<333 Hey, @main-exam
@notonlykira
! Thanks so much for the kind words! <333
Hmmm... I think B or L in B's body are probably beyond the usual rules applied to Shinigami seeing as no Shinigami has ever seemed interested in or tried to interfere in their sex life. (Then again, maybe daddy dearest lied to the others, lied to the King and said he was dead?)
But you're right, Ryuk could potentially get in trouble, at least under normal circumstances. Though Ryuk doing anything with L or B probably would not be a big deal or worth bothering with, the King probably has more important things to deal with and it's not like any of the parties involved can get pregnant which is the reason for the "no-sex rule" in this AU (the King thought one B was enough, lol).
The King would probably even encourage and support their gay harem if he knew--he doesn't want more humans being born with Shinigami Eyes they didn't pay for.
In fact all this probably wouldn't even come to the King's or any of the high ranking Shinigami's attention unless someone is perving on them from up there. Some Shinigami could try to use it leverage against Ryuk though (i.e. "give me all your apples or I'm telling the King!")
Then again, secondary soulmates might be a thing in this au and they could just happen to be each other's so everything's cool, haha! (but of course, they wouldn't know that...)
As for Light punishing Ryuk...
Ryuk, [being a brat]: I'm a Shinigami, what are you going to do to me?
Light, [mildly disapproving]: I am very disappointed--
Ryuk [on the ground, clutching Light's ankles, wailing]: Nooooo! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I'll be good, I promise!
Huh, I haven't read the new one-shot but I guess I stumbled into the headcanon of Ryuk being overly literal because 1. For beings like Shinigami or Demons deals and exact language seem very important--even though Ryuk bent the rules like hell for Light... ("when I talk about throwing away my pride I really mean the Death Note, okay?") 2. subconscious ADHD-coding (he's like me in that way i.e. boredom is the same as dying, hyperfixations, same food, weird concepts of time and, yes, overly-literal...)
As for L, he too wants to put the past behind him and focus on Light and their harem. And he will be sublimating his trauma by assisting Kira in hunting down and eliminating criminals and monsters in authority like those that hurt him.
Thanks so much! <333
I love "A God's Mercy", your RP with @reaperlight. Submissive Ryuk works naturally in this AU and Lyuk seems to be happening... soon? I'll be honest I don't know how Light is going to punish Ryuk for skulking off into the desert yet it seems like plenty enough punishment for him just to make his beloved soulmate upset? He's a very caring creature (for Light) in this. It's also been nice to read L recovering from his trauma (which made me cry)... and I wonder when/if/how B will emerge...
Hi ExAm! So happy you’re enjoying the rp!! My muse is having so much fun with submissive Ryuk umph. As for Lyuk haha there’s a damn good chance I think, but it may depend on whether that pesky no-sex rule applies to half-shinigami. Ryuk gets a pass on Light since they are soulmates but I dunno about L.
Light’s “punishment” probably isn’t going to discourage more naughty behavior from Ryuk XD. If anything it will probably make it worse (and Light’s fine with that). He cares for Ryuk and lets him know it’s a game, since shinigami take things so literally (RIP Minoru). My Light’s a playful person in a lot of ways and enjoys mind games, power games. He wasn’t really mad in any event just anxious when the shinigami wasn’t there when he said he’d be.
And yes, L’s plight has made me suffer and been something that’s made Light feel very guilty. But he wants to focus on the future now with his harem lol, and L is very understanding. Light and Ryuk will be there to help L heal, I think. Thank you so much for the review ❤️
@reaperlight
#reviews#main-exam#thank you!#<3333#death note#death note rp#v: a god’s mercy#lawryght#ryuk#l lawliet#beyond birthday#light yagami#shinigami king
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Random video game wondering. Long post, sorry mobile app doesn't allow for "read more" and I'm too lazy to post this via means that do have ability to insert "read mores".
I have a question for people who play rpg games (specifically Dragon Age and Mass Effect since those are the particular games I’m more so thinking of, not to mention the only ones I’ve played….or played a bit of and plan on playing more of in ME’s case…but question also applies for Fallout, Skyrim, or any sort of game that allows for character creation and multiple playthroughs so as to experience different story outcomes)
Do you generally consider your first go through of the game/first created character as your main or “canon” game/character? Or do you hold off on really thinking about canon or main until you’ve found the “type” of playthrough (character, romance, story choices, etc) you like the most? (Or don’t think about canon/main at all and are just like “hey, chill, you’re overthinking”, which is a valid avenue to take too lol).
----(cue contemplating own Ryder options, feel free to scroll past if uninterested)----
I’m all bouncing in my seat waiting for Andromeda, and in that excitement I’ve been contemplating on my Ryder. For now, all I’ve really come up with is that I know it’ll be sisRyder, most likely she’ll embody the “precious cinnamon roll, with the occasional snark” archetype since I tend to gravitate towards that a lot, if hairstyle options include any curly or at least wavy options I'll most likely be using them, cause well duh lol, and….that’s kind of it. Well, there’s also practically a folder full of possible names that I either need to trim down or at least settle on some finalist for first Ryder while holding onto the rest for future sisRyders.
I’m still flip flopping on who she’ll romance. Partly because we don’t really know who is romancable by sisRyders…..but mostly because I can’t decide between Liam and Jaal (assuming they’re romancable at all, let alone by sisRyder). Liam is adorable and my Death in Paradise and Downton Abbey fan self is all “yes plz!” at Gary Carr voicing him (though good god I was not prepared for full Brit accent Gary/Liam. Oh god send help I’m dead).
And Jaal….well, Iron Bull is my #1 Video Game Boyfriend, and I’ve developed serious Garrus love even without playing the whole trilogy for myself. So, clearly large nonhumanoids (and sporting some sort of eye covering apparently, since they’ve all got that in common….oh, and scarring of varrying degrees) that invoke feelings of “fuck, I’d climb him like a tree” is my video game boyfriend type. I’m not discounting the idea of Vetra being my video game girlfriend for a later Ryder regardless of who she’s romancable by, but for now my indecisive ass can only handle two candidates.
A part of me is wondering if I should come up with in depth character study, personality, and what not, and really make Ryder to be like….the best and most (at least to me in my own head) fleshed out as she can be, as I've seen other people doing in preparation for their Ryders. But then another part of be is like “why are you obsessing? She’ll just be your first Ryder, who knows if she’s your main”. Which is true. None of my “main” Dragon Age characters have been my first.
---(long drawn out oversharing of Inquistors/Hawkes/Wardens, again, feel free to scroll past if uninterested)---
For Inquisition, what would be come my canon type of game (f!Adaar mage romancing Iron Bull, mage allies, Wardens stay, I think Orláis outcome that would later become my canon was first used here being reuniting Briala and Celene, Inquisitor drinks from Well, Leliana as divine) was my second ever playthrough.
But it wasn't until I'd played through different characters, romances, choices, etc, before I realized that was my absolute favorite. And it wasn't until my I think 20th/5th (if counting both current games and the games I lost when my PS3 had a meltdown and I lost all my save files/only counting that which I've played since upgrading to ps4) game in total that I declared Yasema Adaar (I think 13th/3rd of f!Adaar mage Bullmances) as my main/canon. And the only reason she beat out previous f!Adaars for "canon" title was because she was the first character (f!adaar and otherwise) I stuck through the entirety of all dlcs with, as supposed to giving up on JoH and/or Descent halfway through and moving on to Trespasser. So, that feat alone deserved the title of main/canon character.
As for my main Warden and Hawke, Hawke is somewhat similar---my favorite "type" of Hawke (f!Mage Fenris rivalmance) was maybe my 2nd or 3rd ever DA2 game (2nd was maybe mage and Fenris friendshipmance, 3rd was when I was like yeah I'm kinda liking the rivalmance). The particular Fenris romancing mageHawke that inevitably became my canon Hawke was just the one of many other mageHawke Fenrismances that I happened to have used in putting together Yasema's world state. So she became canon by default.
Ditto on my Warden. My first ever DAO playthrough was an f!Cousland rogue romancing Alistair and became his queen, my second was f!Amell romancing Alistair and became his mistress when he became king. My Amell became canon because, again, by default due to making the Yasema world state triple dose of mage ladies.
Although, if going by what type played most often.....I guess DAO stands apart from DA2 and DAI in that while those two my most played type became canon, I only have 1 Amell playthrough verses like....3 or 5 Couslands, if counting one that I was in the middle of when playstation had its meltdown and I lost saves thus incomplete game, and another that's from me trying to recently revisit DAO on a computer and I gave up on and is therefore also incomplete unless my console gaming preferring self returns to it at some point.
If we're counting only complete plays, then it's about 3 Couslands, 1 Amell, (also have half of an f!Aeducan that was meant to serve as the third Alistair romance outcome of the two remaining Wardens together, but that got cut short due to PS3 having a second and this time fatal meltdown halfway through playing).
And as for Mass Effect, well I'm still in the middle of attempting to play the original trilogy on PC. It's slow going due to my aforementioned dragging my feet when it comes to PC gaming. So, my Shepherd will automatically be my canon since she'll be the only one most likely lol.
----(okay, enough blather, back to the actual point)----
Okay, this got a lot more long winded and ramble-y than originally intended. Sorry about that.
Anyway, so yeah, just curious about anyone who does declare specific portags as their canon/main in any of these sort of games. Is first automatically canon to you, or do you take a wait and see approach before declaring what is your main play through?
Oh and somewhere in all my rambling I think I lost the reason by I started this post in the first place, which is that I'm treating my first Ryder as if she'll be my main/canon, when really my history has shown first ever play through=\=main or canon down the road. Isn't it fun when your ADHD makes you easily distracted *and* hyperfixated? :/ lol
#from the mind of curvycurlygirly#long post#dragon age#mass effect#dragon age origins#dragon age 2#dragon age inquisition#mass effect andromeda#inquisitor#hawke#warden#shepherd#ryder
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14:37, 3rd October
Ash, Things have been okay for a while, but just as I predicted, we've gone back to being shit, despite your many many many promises that you would keep trying. Aside my usual complaints that have resurfaced since you stopped trying again, like you not pulling your weight around the house and never actually thinking of me when doing anything, we now have a totally new issue which is making the previous malarkey seem utterly petty. You know what it is, and you will roll your eyes if you read this or I mention it because as usual you think I've made it up in my head or I'm making something out of nothing. I'm baffled that after the hundreds of times you've apologised to me for accusing me of this, you still haven't worked out that I always have a valid point which you just never took the time to notice. Since becoming friends with Matt, he has pointed out many times that he thinks I might have ADHD just like he does. After meeting his dad and best friend, they also agreed that they thought I have it. And after having suspicions myself most of my adult life, I thought I should look into it. Not because I want to be medicated or use it for sympathy, but just so I can finally understand why my weird brain works the way it does and if there's anything I can do to help it function better. You obviously took no notice after I first started having suspicions, which I get, given your lack of fucks for pretty much everything else. So I researched it more, and I met people who also have it and spoke to them about it (like that American guy we met in Budapest), and I started to understand more how it works and how different one case to the next can be. I knew you were sceptical, but given my hours of research, suspicions of several people including a handful who also have it, and people who are regularly around people who have it, I would have thought you'd at least humour me. Yesterday I realised it was ADHD awareness month, so I spent a few hours looking through some tumblr posts about it. It really moved me to read some of the things that people were saying. I knew I shared similar qualities to a lot of these people, but I had no idea how much We have in common; it was almost like I had written them myself. It made me realise how much of my life is controlled by this; things I've never understood about myself and why I do them, now make so much sense, and for the first time in my life I don't feel completely alien. You have no idea how isolating it has been to do these weird things which I often feel I have no control over, people telling me I'm weird or erratic, unorganised, impulsive, and feeling like a total failure because I haven't achieved what everyone else seems to do so easily. The more I read, the more my life made sense. It got me quite emotional actually. By the time I went to work there was no doubt in my mind that I have ADHD, and all I wanted to do was talk to someone about it. One of the things I discovered about the condition is something called 'hyperfixation', which is when you become obsessed with something for a while, which stems from the fact that you feel so deeply and passionately about things that they become fixations, and then after a week or a month they dissipate and you move onto something else.This, if you knew anything about me at all, is me down to a T. Every month I have a new project or interest, each more random and out of the blue than the last. I get all excited about them and talk about nothing but for about a month, then I forget about them and move onto the next one. (Case in point; ballet, bra making, earth witch potions, digital marketing, sewing, piano playing, singing, guitar playing, applying for stage schools, applying to be an egg donor, wanting to cut all my hair off... are you getting it now?) I brought this up to you last night, because I thought you'd find it interesting, and all you did was immediately shoot me down and tell me that doesn't mean I have ADHD. I tried explaining to you and showing you more things on tumblr that I related to, but you didn't really pay any attention or think about it, you just contradicted me and made me feel like a fool for thinking there was anything different about me. All I wanted to do was talk about something that's on my mind, something that might explain why I am the way I am and help me better cope with my erratic brain, and you didn't give a shit, you just wanted to tell me I was wrong.This is something you do a lot; I make a claim or have an idea, and you respond by shooting it down, telling me how it wouldn't work, how I'm wrong and dismissing the whole subject entirely so you can go back to playing your phone game or watching dexter. Just like you did when I tried to talk to you about our sex life the day before. I told you I wasn't happy and that I don't feel like you fancy me anymore. I wasn't trying to argue with you, I even asked if you thought there was a cause so we could work it out, but all you did was get angry and dismiss my concerns entirely. Said we have sex as much as normal people and that sometimes you're just not in the mood. Great. There's loads I can do with those gems of fucking insight. So once again, having tried to talk to you to work out a solution to something that has been bothering me for months, I'm pretty much left to just fucking deal with it. I honestly don't know what part of any of that you think will not lead to us ultimately breaking up. It brings me back to my age old issue that I don't feel like you support me at all. I do everything for you, because I want to work with you and help you achieve and be happy. Anything you want to do, I help you with (not that there is ever much). You on the other hand do nothing for me unless I ask you to. You take nothing more than a basic interest in my life (how was your day, what did you eat, etc), you don't congratulate me when I've achieved anything (in fact you usually do the opposite and find any way to contradict my achievements), you don't encourage me to work harder or be better, you don't give me any sort of validation for anything I do, ever, and you don't recognise when I've done a good job. It's at the point where when I achieve something (which if you knew me at all, you would realise that finishing anything is a huge achievement for me) I don't even congratulate myself, because I know I'll get no praise from you. I know there's no point in celebrating everything I do, but it would be nice since I do absolutely everything for you, to occasionally get some recognition, or even just a thanks. Freddie congratulated me the other day on the success of the video I made for the py, got really excited for me and gave me a free drink to celebrate. It made me realise you haven't even watched it. It's not just my achievements you don't notice though. You don't notice anything I do, or even me. I spend my day off cleaning the whole house top to bottom, and the only thing you notice when you get in is that you can't find your pyjamas because I've washed them. I buy new underwear and prance around the house trying to look sexy so maybe you'll notice me, or kiss me or maybe even fuck me if I'm really lucky. But you don't. You just continue staring at your phone or watching dexter. I make dinner extra special, or run us a bath with candles and oils, make you a nice breakfast or lunch to take to work... I do it all to make you happy, but I'm lucky if I get a thanks. I suppose you're just so used to me doing these things you assume they're a given. The more I think about all of this the more it gets me down, and the more I feel like our relationship is circling the drain. I feel ugly and unattractive, and like everyone in the world is getting more sex than I am. I feel like a stupid underachiever because everything I say is wrong and everything I achieve isn't really an achievement. I feel utterly alone because the person who is supposed to know me better than anyone, doesn't know me at all and has no interest in getting to know me. I'm right back to feeling like a total waste of space. The logical thing to do would be to talk to you right? But we both know how that ends. So I guess I'm just dealing with it.
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3rd October
Ash, Things have been okay for a while, but just as I predicted, we've gone back to being shit, despite your many many many promises that you would keep trying. Aside my usual complaints that have resurfaced since you stopped trying again, like you not pulling your weight around the house and never actually thinking of me when doing anything, we now have a totally new issue which is making the previous malarkey seem utterly petty. You know what it is, and you will roll your eyes if you read this or I mention it because as usual you think I've made it up in my head or I'm making something out of nothing. I'm baffled that after the hundreds of times you've apologised to me for accusing me of this, you still haven't worked out that I always have a valid point which you just never took the time to notice. Since becoming friends with Matt, he has pointed out many times that he thinks I might have ADHD just like he does. After meeting his dad and best friend, they also agreed that they thought I have it. And after having suspicions myself most of my adult life, I thought I should look into it. Not because I want to be medicated or use it for sympathy, but just so I can finally understand why my weird brain works the way it does and if there's anything I can do to help it function better. You obviously took no notice after I first started having suspicions, which I get, given your lack of fucks for pretty much everything else. So I researched it more, and I met people who also have it and spoke to them about it (like that American guy we met in Budapest), and I started to understand more how it works and how different one case to the next can be. I knew you were sceptical, but given my hours of research, suspicions of several people including a handful who also have it, and people who are regularly around people who have it, I would have thought you'd at least humour me. Yesterday I realised it was ADHD awareness month, so I spent a few hours looking through some tumblr posts about it. It really moved me to read some of the things that people were saying. I knew I shared similar qualities to a lot of these people, but I had no idea how much We have in common; it was almost like I had written them myself. It made me realise how much of my life is controlled by this; things I've never understood about myself and why I do them, now make so much sense, and for the first time in my life I don't feel completely alien. You have no idea how isolating it has been to do these weird things which I often feel I have no control over, people telling me I'm weird or erratic, unorganised, impulsive, and feeling like a total failure because I haven't achieved what everyone else seems to do so easily. The more I read, the more my life made sense. It got me quite emotional actually. By the time I went to work there was no doubt in my mind that I have ADHD, and all I wanted to do was talk to someone about it. One of the things I discovered about the condition is something called 'hyperfixation', which is when you become obsessed with something for a while, which stems from the fact that you feel so deeply and passionately about things that they become fixations, and then after a week or a month they dissipate and you move onto something else.This, if you knew anything about me at all, is me down to a T. Every month I have a new project or interest, each more random and out of the blue than the last. I get all excited about them and talk about nothing but for about a month, then I forget about them and move onto the next one. (Case in point; ballet, bra making, earth witch potions, digital marketing, sewing, piano playing, singing, guitar playing, applying for stage schools, applying to be an egg donor, wanting to cut all my hair off... are you getting it now?) I brought this up to you last night, because I thought you'd find it interesting, and all you did was immediately shoot me down and tell me that doesn't mean I have ADHD. I tried explaining to you and showing you more things on tumblr that I related to, but you didn't really pay any attention or think about it, you just contradicted me and made me feel like a fool for thinking there was anything different about me. All I wanted to do was talk about something that's on my mind, something that might explain why I am the way I am and help me better cope with my erratic brain, and you didn't give a shit, you just wanted to tell me I was wrong.This is something you do a lot; I make a claim or have an idea, and you respond by shooting it down, telling me how it wouldn't work, how I'm wrong and dismissing the whole subject entirely so you can go back to playing your phone game or watching dexter. Just like you did when I tried to talk to you about our sex life the day before. I told you I wasn't happy and that I don't feel like you fancy me anymore. I wasn't trying to argue with you, I even asked if you thought there was a cause so we could work it out, but all you did was get angry and dismiss my concerns entirely. Said we have sex as much as normal people and that sometimes you're just not in the mood. Great. There's loads I can do with those gems of fucking insight. So once again, having tried to talk to you to work out a solution to something that has been bothering me for months, I'm pretty much left to just fucking deal with it. I honestly don't know what part of any of that you think will not lead to us ultimately breaking up. It brings me back to my age old issue that I don't feel like you support me at all. I do everything for you, because I want to work with you and help you achieve and be happy. Anything you want to do, I help you with (not that there is ever much). You on the other hand do nothing for me unless I ask you to. You take nothing more than a basic interest in my life (how was your day, what did you eat, etc), you don't congratulate me when I've achieved anything (in fact you usually do the opposite and find any way to contradict my achievements), you don't encourage me to work harder or be better, you don't give me any sort of validation for anything I do, ever, and you don't recognise when I've done a good job. It's at the point where when I achieve something (which if you knew me at all, you would realise that finishing anything is a huge achievement for me) I don't even congratulate myself, because I know I'll get no praise from you. I know there's no point in celebrating everything I do, but it would be nice since I do absolutely everything for you, to occasionally get some recognition, or even just a thanks. Freddie congratulated me the other day on the success of the video I made for the py, got really excited for me and gave me a free drink to celebrate. It made me realise you haven't even watched it. It's not just my achievements you don't notice though. You don't notice anything I do, or even me. I spend my day off cleaning the whole house top to bottom, and the only thing you notice when you get in is that you can't find your pyjamas because I've washed them. I buy new underwear and prance around the house trying to look sexy so maybe you'll notice me, or kiss me or maybe even fuck me if I'm really lucky. But you don't. You just continue staring at your phone or watching dexter. I make dinner extra special, or run us a bath with candles and oils, make you a nice breakfast or lunch to take to work... I do it all to make you happy, but I'm lucky if I get a thanks. I suppose you're just so used to me doing these things you assume they're a given. The more I think about all of this the more it gets me down, and the more I feel like our relationship is circling the drain. I feel ugly and unattractive, and like everyone in the world is getting more sex than I am. I feel like a stupid underachiever because everything I say is wrong and everything I achieve isn't really an achievement. I feel utterly alone because the person who is supposed to know me better than anyone, doesn't know me at all and has no interest in getting to know me. I'm right back to feeling like a total waste of space. The logical thing to do would be to talk to you right? But we both know how that ends. So I guess I'm just dealing with it.
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