#though I honestly prefer the thought I randomly considered a few weeks ago

[swan2swan]

Reading the Darth Plagueis novel and I have multiple thoughts so far...

He just picked up Palpatine and took him on as his apprentice (without us seeing the part where he names him Darth Sidious??? What was the deal with that????????? How do we NOT see him bestow the Name of a Sith Lord upon Darth Sidious???), so I'm maybe two-fifths of the way through.

But thusfar...eh...he just doesn't feel that "Wise" to me. He's more like "Darth Plageuis the Cunning". It's probably just the old adage of "the characters are only as smart as the writer". There's a number of fine Star Wars RPG scenarios thrown in that Plagueis is navigating expertly, but it's not really screaming "Wisdom" so much as "Intelligence".

Hoping The Acolyte does a better job with him.

[wonderlustlucas]

home - hwang hyunjin

⇢ prompt “I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sure.” ⇢ pairing hyunjin x female reader ⇢ word count 2.7k ⇢ genre fluff, kind of angsty? ⇢ warnings insinuated that this takes place during covid & that reader has some case of depression/anxiety i literally wrote her as me so like ⇢ summary In which Hyunjin shows you just how special you are.—college!au ⇢ a/n happy birthday to my love, my comfort, my home

What am I doing here?

Unfortunately, there is no one else to blame but herself for being left without plans on this Friday night. Regretfully so, she instead finds herself alone on the upper level of the business building. Scratch that, the whole building, probably – she’s been here since four, and the few students that were once alongside her left hours ago. Initially here to work on an essay, she now occupies her time bouncing between YouTube, Twitch, and Crunchyroll, watching whatever she is feeling at the moment despite Monday’s deadline looming over her.

Sighing, she looks away from a boring page of YouTube recommendations, stretches her neck, and reaches for her hot chocolate. Well, not hot anymore, she realizes with a wince after taking a sip, struggling to swallow the now cold drink. Gaze flicking to the time on the corner of her laptop, she frowns. 9:43. She considers walking home once it hits ten, the unstirred silence of the building starting to prick up her spine like needles. Home, she thinks with an amused exhale from her nose. A too small, overheated double dorm room that technically is a single now that her roommate has gone online for the rest of the semester. Home.

She wonders, briefly, if anyone were to miss her if she were to go home home. If anyone would even notice, anyway.

She wouldn’t expect them to, honestly. It’s not as if she goes out of her way to hang out with anyone, usually opting to cozy up in her room and pretend she does not see the groupchat blowing up with plans to meet at the dining hall, a study session at the library, a trip to the mall. She loves her friends, really, but can rarely find it in herself to actually participate in said friend activities. Sure, there are some nights she actually leaves the confines of her room to join them, but to be quite frank, she’s glad they have learned to simply stop inviting her. Makes the whole looking for an excuse problem a lot easier.

Besides, who would want to go out on a night like this, anyway?

Just as she has flipped to page fifty-three of The Old Man and the Sea, she looks away in boredom, instead opting to gaze out the window. Focusing past her reflection on the tall glass pane, a warm feeling she can only describe as peace seems to settle over her, watching the snow fall like moonlit glitter across campus. The snowstorm had started light when she first arrived, soft enough she could manage with her hood down, dotting her with only miniature droplets of water. Now, though, the flakes are so large she can focus on one at a time as they fly past, covering the ground with a solid two or three inches at this point. In the distance, she can spot snowplows making their rounds to clear the pathways, the route to the business building already turned slushy blue as salt melts the continuous snow.

She sighs, eyes wide like a child as she represses the urge to go outside and grab a handful of it, maybe fall onto one of the lawns and make a snow angel, stick her tongue out and try to catch one of the large flakes. Tomorrow, maybe, she thinks, looking at her grey sweatpants and deciding walking back with soaked pants in this weather would not be the best idea.

So late into March, she cannot help but chuckle at the number of students complaining about the snow and cold temperature on SnapChat, even her friends having to change their plans. She, on the other hand, finds such last chance snowstorm beautiful; sure, she was ready for spring and eventually a break from school, but watching the snow dancing under the streetlights, choreographed by the gentle wind, she thinks it’s something to hold on to, keep her grounded to reality that albeit the stress and monotony of college, such moments like these still exist.

She jumps at the sound of the front entrance slamming closed.

Who the hell? She frowns, annoyed at whoever decided now was a good time to come inside, subsequently ruining her little moment of serenity. Turning red at the thought of some raunchy couple thinking to spice things up in the presumably empty building, she considers packing her bag and heading out. But no matter which exit, they would still see her, and that would be painstakingly awkward. Maybe she could escape into one of the smaller reservation rooms, or at least make some exaggerated noise so they at least know they’re not alone.

Could just be a janitor, or maybe someone else deciding to shelter somewhere other than their dorm to buckle down and do some work, she thinks. No matter who it is and what their intentions are, her leg is already bouncing a mile a minute having gotten used to having the space to herself.

So caught up on how or when she should take her leave, she does not hear the footsteps coming up the stairs until they’re right behind her. Tensing up, she watches in the window’s reflection as the business building’s second occupant steps up onto the platform and… heads towards her. Panic setting in, she tries to decipher who it is through the blurry reflection but to no avail, heart racing at the thought of a stranger approaching her, one of her friends finding her here on a Friday night, a janitor going to ask her to leave.

She turns her head as soon as they stop beside her.

“Hyunjin?” She blurts, taken aback. This was the last person she expected to be here. Somewhat relieved but heart still beating in her throat, she blinks up at the tall boy to make sure it’s really him, brows furrowed in confusion. “What are you doing here?”

“I should be asking you the same thing,” he returns, pulling his mask down below his chin and smiling cheekily at her. “I went to go pick up my food and saw you in the window,” Hyunjin explains, tugging the beanie off his head and shaking his hair out, showering her in the tiny droplets. Wrinkling her nose, she takes notice of the Chipotle bag in his hand and how soaked his coat is.

“Here,” she offers, reaching for the bag. Passing it to her with a grateful smile, Hyunjin unzips his coat and sets it over a chair beside her alongside his beanie, wipes the melted snow and sweat from his eyes, and tries to fix his now mused bangs. “So, what are you doing here?” He asks while doing this, regarding her with an amused glint in his eyes.

“Work,” she sighs. Then, glancing to the screen of her laptop and realizing it’s still the home page of YouTube, she grimaces. “Trying to do work. Not really. Just watching the snow.”

“It’s a lot prettier when you’re inside,” Hyunjin comments, following her gaze to watch the frenzy of snow before taking the bag from her and offering a quiet thanks. “But I meant more why are you here?”

She isn’t quite sure what her relationship with Hyunjin is. Having been one of the many acquaintances she barely made at freshman orientation, he did not seem like the kind of person she expected to still be in her life. She wouldn’t exactly say they were close, but she considers Hyunjin a friend, she thinks. After a good month or two forgetting he existed, she randomly bumped into him at the dining hall, recognizing that unfairly attractive face of his in line for chicken nuggets and immediately falling into conversation. Turns out, he was mutual friends with her lab partner, Kim Seungmin.

She does not see Hyunjin as much as she wishes she did. She had not shared any classes with him in the past three years, and even if her friend group and his overlapped in the slightest, it was not always a given that they both would be able to hang out as much as their closer friends do. Still, there always seems to be a random occasion, such as now, where they bump into one another. Each time is a pleasant surprise, of course, and not just because of his pretty face and wide shoulders, but because he has always seemed to care for her in a way no one else does, and that in itself is enough to have her heart racing every time he comes close.

Not that she has a crush on him or anything, but it definitely is hard trying not to fall in love every time he even so much as smiles at her.

Face heating up in embarrassment at his question, she avoids looking him in the eyes and randomly minimizes the Chrome tab on her laptop. “You know,” she drones on, “just taking it easy for the night.”

Hyunjin hums in agreement, opening the lid of his burrito bowl and stabbing a fork into the layers. Even her mouth waters. “I feel like I never see you,” he contemplates, finally taking a bite. His words surprise her. “Uh, yeah,” she coughs, forcing herself to look away before she gets too enraptured over how beautiful he looks even after trekking through a snowstorm, long hair messy but falling over his face in a way that has her fingers twitching to tuck away. “I usually don’t go out with everyone. Not my scene.”

“Aw,” he coos, “I get that. Sometimes I’m the same way, I just want to relax on the weekends after working so much all week.”

Thank you!, she almost shouts, but bites her tongue. She agrees, but even she does not know why she can’t find it in herself to go out and party with everyone else. She’s just lazy, to put it simply. Nevertheless, his words put her at ease, no longer worried that he might think she’s a loser for staying in every weekend.

“Exactly,” she agrees, “parties are fun, sometimes. But I just prefer laying low. I don’t think my friends like that, though.”

Gaze finding his, her heart does somersaults at the smile he offers. “Nah,” Hyunjin says, confident, “no one thinks that. Everyone has their way of having fun. Honestly, all I’ve ever heard is your friends complaining how they miss you and that you would make going out more fun since you’re so funny.”

“Which is true, by the way,” he adds.

She feels as if she is going to combust. “Oh,” she croaks, throat dry, “um, thank you. That’s sweet of them. And you. I guess I didn’t consider that they miss me when they go out.”

Hyunjin scoffs, raising a brow but finishes chewing before speaking again. “Are you nuts? You’re so fun to be around, of course they’re going to miss you.”

“Okay, stop that,” she laughs, burning from the inside out at his compliments. “Just being honest,” he laughs, opening the bag of his tortilla chips. “Want any?”

She looks at him with wide eyes. “Are you sure?”

“I wouldn’t have offered if I wasn’t sure.”

“Okay,” she huffs out an airy laugh, rolling her chair closer to his. Miscalculating that he was going to move, too, she quite literally feels her blood pressure skyrocket as her knees bump into his. And he doesn’t move. “Here,” moving the bag closer to the edge of the table, Hyunjin glances at her for only a split second before focusing on his bowl again.

Reaching into the bag, she feels emboldened not only by his previous flattery, but his proximity as well, and scrambles to continue the conversation. “Why are you eating Chipotle so late?”

“Pre-birthday celebration. Also, DoorDash took forever,” Hyunjin laughs.

“When’s your birthday?” She asks, munching on a chip.

“In,” he pauses, tapping his phone, “two hours.”

Oh. “What?” She gasps, blinking at him. “What? Why aren’t you out? It’s your birthday weekend and you’re here eating Chipotle?”

“Woah, okay Miss I-Prefer-Laying-Low. Maybe I wanted to chill tonight, since tomorrow I’m going out? Hm?” Hyunjin chuckles at her scowl, pursing his lips. “Okay, yeah, I guess but—”

“No but’s,” he interrupts, the amused glint in his eyes disappearing, “I’m here now, and that’s what matters, right? I’m lucky I saw you in the window.”

“I guess,” she mutters, realizing her heart has not stopped its staccato frenzy since moving closer, “you scared me, by the way. I’ve been here alone for hours and suddenly someone is walking up to me, I think I shit my pants.”

Hyunjin bellows out a laugh, and such an airy sound momentarily leaves her awestruck. Oh, god, she’s in deep. It’s over.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,” he giggles, battling her hand to reach for a chip. Even the touch of his long fingers against hers has the entire butterfly population roaring to life in her gut. “Look, I made up for it by gifting you chips.”

“True,” she hums, licking residue salt off her fingers before leaning back in her chair to catch a breather. Too much physical contact and emotion for one night.

“What are you doing next weekend?” Hyunjin asks, taking her by surprise. Again. She thinks she is going to faint if she isn’t able to wrap herself around him within the next fifteen seconds.

“Um,” she starts, then remembers her previous idea of going home after this week was over. “I was probably going to go home next Friday.”

“Oh,” is all Hyunjin says, seemingly disappointed. “Why?”

She grits her teeth. Why? Really? “I don’t know,” she shrugs, not even convinced herself, “I’m bored and lonely here. I love everyone here but I miss my friends at home. I might as well be slightly less bored at home.” Hyunjin frowns.

“Okay, what about this,” he starts, leaning close enough she can count his individual eyelashes and nearly smell the flavor of his lip balm, “you go out with us tomorrow night and if you have fun, you hang out with us next weekend, too. Oh, and whenever you want some company, you text me and we’ll come here or somewhere else and do homework together or just chill. How does that sound?”

All she can do is blink at him. Her initial thought is how dare he try negotiating whether I go home or not? But, there it is, again, she realizes. That extra step he takes, the genuine care he shows her, acting like her well-being is his responsibility. “You don’t have to do that, Hyunjin. I don’t want to bother you every time I feel lonely. I’ll be fine.”

“Christ, you’re dense,” rolling his eyes, Hyunjin sets his fork down, wipes his hands on his thighs, and suddenly leans in to hold her face with both hands, “I wouldn’t offer to sit around and do homework with you when you’re in need of a friend if I didn’t want to.”

Her heart is racing so fast she fears he may be able to hear the thud of it against her chest. What he’s saying is starting to sound a lot more than some friend-to-friend comfort, and it’s making her head hurt, especially with his thumbs ever so slightly swiping against her cheeks. At her silence, he starts again.

“Y/N,” he says, voice dropping an octave, “don’t go home. This is your home, too, you just don’t want it to be.”

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she thinks she is going to say something, but nothing comes out. There is nothing to say. Hyunjin is right, he has read her like an open book, and he’s here to offer his shoulder to lean on. “Okay,” she whispers, “I’ll go out with everyone tomorrow. And I’ll try and stay here for the rest of the semester.”

“That’s my girl,” Hyunjin smiles, leaning closer and pressing a featherlight kiss to her lips. At first, it takes her by surprise. But then it all starts to make sense. The snow makes sense. Her essay makes sense. Being here makes sense. Hyunjin makes sense. His birthday makes sense. She makes sense.

Outside the glass windows, the wind starts to howl, blowing the composed ballet of snow to its final act, covering the pathways and the streetlights and the roof of the business building in perfect white glitter. Inside these windows, she realizes they would notice if she were to go home.

Why would she ever do that when her second home is right here in front of her?

[murasaki-murasame]

Ieyasu came for my saving-for-Gala-Luca throat and I still managed to get him with 100 of my 250-ish saved up sommons >:3c

Now to go back into saving-for-Gala-Luca mode. After the absolute nightmare that was the Gala Elly banner, I’m not taking any risks this time.

Anyway, more about my summons under the cut [TL;DR: I got more than I even wanted, and also if anyone’s feeling iffy on this banner I just wanna let you know that Chitose is basically Light!Emma and he’s probably the best new unit on the entire banner lmao]

The last few weeks of events were really generous and got me all the way up to 250 or so saved summons, and after seeing that Ieyasu was gonna be featured on this banner along with like four other units I was terrified that it wouldn’t be enough to get him, and that I’d be left with no real chance of getting Gala Luca afterward, but then I got Ieyasu after 100 summons so we’re all good, lol. Let’s just say that once I saw that rainbow blade every single muscle in my body was clenched as I faced the imminent coin toss between getting Ieyasu and Nobunaga. And thankfully I got what I wanted in the end.

I also got two copies of Mitsuhide, who I didn’t really care one way or another about, but now I have her, lmao. I honestly don’t even think she’s worth pulling for since she only seems somewhat better than Fleur, but I’m happy to have her.

The most surprising part of this banner was that I randomly got my first copy of Yaten, which I’m EXTREMELY happy about. His banner was one of the first times [along with Ieyasu, ironically] where I really felt bad about not managing to pull him while he was featured, so I’m happy he finally came home. I was seriously considering dream summoning him in the future, and now I don’t have to. I’ll probably still be dream summoning Delphi soon, though, since Cygames is doing everything in their power to make me regret initially thinking he was a bad character, lol. So yeah this banner gave me the two 5-star shadow unit dudes who I’d missed out on previously so that’s pretty nifty. I think the only shadow 5-stars I’m missing now are Summer Verica, Delphi, and I guess Veronica but I’m not really counting limited units. And out of those three I only really care about Delphi since I already have Heinwald and Gala Cleo.

I got Chitose really early in my summons, and it almost made me contemplate stopping there, but I decided to keep going until I got Ieyasu. Which thankfully happened without me using all of my summons. I do think that Chitose is the real gem of this banner, but Ieyasu’s new mana spiral upgrade also makes him noteworthy again.

I thought that maybe at most Chitose would be a light version of DY-Xanfried, but nope he’s literally a light version of Emma, lol. I thought Cygames wouldn’t put such a powerful unit behind a limited banner, but here we are. Light continues to suffer from having most of their good units being limited. At least this whole banner makes me feel a bit better about not having gotten DY-Malora.

I was kinda worried about the idea of Chitose being a curse-res light wand, since I feel like endgame curse-res light content is kinda punishing toward ranged units, but they pretty much specifically designed his kit to make him super tanky, with his +20% defense passive and his 30% Max HP shield on his S2, lmao. At least if you use Chocolatiers or something on him, using those two together is probably enough to get past HZD’s HP check, so he might actually become a really good, accessible meta unit for that fight. But in general as a strength buffbot he’s pretty much automatically one of the best light units already.

On the other hand I think Hanabusa is probably going to be inferior to Yachiyo until he hopefully gets a mana spiral upgrade that fixes his partial curse res and gives his kit some new elements to make him shine. But I think if he can get that upgrade later [or if he can manage to get by with a curse res print in HZD], he might be really good. It’s hard to tell how good his kit as a whole is at the moment, but I like that he has team strength buffs built into his kit, and some pretty high buff time increases based on his S1 skill shift.

We’ll see how it shakes out, but I feel like Mitsuhide probably isn’t going to completely erase Fleur from the meta. It’s not quite like the Thaniel-Jiang Ziya situation, since Fleur is still super strong on her own, and I feel like Mitsuhide doesn’t provide much more aside from higher stats as a 5-star.

I’m basically forcing myself to not care about Nobunaga so that i can resist the completionist urge to keep pulling for her to have her in my collection just because she exists, so I’m just going to think of her as a unit that I can live without, for my own sanity, lmao. But honestly she doesn’t stand out a whole lot, at least not after all the massive buffs the flame roster just got. Her buff dispels don’t seem very special now that Euden and Naveed can do that too, and the unique debuff on her S1 kinda seems like . . . a worse version of bleed, lol.

Daikokuten seems like a good dragon, but I’m not gonna bother chasing after him since I got Cupid a while ago and I’m working on unbinding him. He seems like he provides more raw strength than Cupid if you can maintain a high combo count, but Cupid’s heal and crit rate buff pretty much ensure that he’s still going to be a highly valued dragon in the long run, so I’m fine if I don’t get the new one.

I honestly might have done the platinum dragon summon once if it was a thing where you got a guaranteed copy of Daikokuten each time, but it’s literally just ‘you get one of the 5-star dragons and Daikokuten has the exact same appearance rate as the rest of them’, which is basically useless to me. Same with the adventurer one, but I wasn’t going to pull on that anyway since i don’t care for the two new 5-stars. I can tell that they’re trying to give people a bit more incentive to spend money on this game, but I think it’s only worth it if you’re a super new player who barely has any 5-stars at all. Some people will probably do the adventurer one because they really like the new banner units, I guess, but it’s a horrible deal.

Also on the note of Nobunaga, I’m kinda disappointed that she’s just the Year of the Horse character, lol. I would have liked it way more if she was an unofficial Year of the Cat clan leader, with Ebisu as her pact dragon, but then that would have made me want to pull for her more because I’m weak for anything that I can twist into a Fruits Basket reference, so maybe it’s a good thing that they didn’t go down that route. Either way it feels kinda weird to not have her be about the Year of the Cat when she’s being bundled with the Rat clan leader, and Ebisu is already based on that whole myth anyway. It seems like a vaguely uncomfortable and off-putting message of ‘yeah this game isn’t going to last long enough for us to actually get to the Year of the Horse so we’re giving her out early :)’. If they were gonna do it this way in order to get all of the clan leader characters released within 6-7 years rather than 12, I kinda wish they could have done that from the start so it didn’t come as a surprise now. Oh well.

Anyway, even though I’m not a fan of Nobunaga at all [and even after the event story I still don’t have any interest in her lol], I really like the rest of the new units. I could take or leave Mitsuhide in terms of her being a 5-star light dagger, but the event story actually made me like her a fair bit. Plus, her 3D model helped sell me on her design.

But mostly Chitose is my absolute son boy and I adore him. I get the feeling he’s going to be very . . . polarizing, but I love him. He’s absolutely perfect, and to top it all off he’s exactly the character that the light roster has been waiting for. As soon as he came into my summons being like ‘here comes a slice of cutie pie <3′ it was over for me.

Hanabusa’s also fun, in a surprisingly Danganronpa character writing kinda way. I think his facial expressions really gave me that sorta comparison, since it’s kinda rare for characters in this game to be that cartoon-y. But I also really love him. The fact that purple’s my favourite colour may or may not be making me extremely biased in his favour, though.

Also, Ebisu seems to be a 40% HP shadow dragon, which I think shadow’s been lacking. He’s probably not as good as a MUB NIdhogg/HZD, but I don’t have either of those so he’s nice to have. Even though I use Heinwald as my shadow healer and he prefers mixed dragons.

The new event wyrmprints also all seem pretty good. The Wyrmclan Duo basically seems to be Resounding Rendition but with crit damage instead of crit rate, and I’ll have to see how the math on that one turns out. I think most characters benefit more from crit rate than crit damage, but I’m not sure. A New Year’s Battle seems like a pretty solid print for daggers, and probably other units that can get high combo counts.

And then A Game of Cat and Boar seems like it’s gonna be the best wyrmprint for light buffers like Chitose and maybe Hanabusa. It actually has the highest buff time percentage for a wyrmprint in the game, at 25% compared to the current main ones being 20%, but it’s locked to light units. The 10% shadow res also works nicely with Chitose’s innate focus on defense, to make it easier for him to pass HP checks and whatnot. It’s a potent enough buff time increase that you can pretty easily just run something like the HZD print in his second slot without losing out on much, but outside of HZD he might just use a second buff time print anyway since there’s no real reason to bother buffing his offensive stats.

Anyway, in short, this banner was extremely gracious to me, Chitose is Best Boy, and I’m going to skip everything between now and the next gala in the hopes that we’ll finally get Gala Luca.

On that note, I thought Gala Luca might be a light dagger, but that seems a lot less likely now that Mitsuhide exists. I think he’ll probably be a light blade, or maybe a light spear, instead. I think him being a light blade would be great. We really need more of those [especially since Hanabusa’s stuck with a welfare unit kit], and it’d be great to see Luca get the vindication he deserves by getting a really strong gala alt. So until then I’m just gonna try and keep hoarding my resources until I can pull for him. I think I have a little over 150 summons worth of resources saved up, and I hope that’ll get a lot bigger over the next month.

[sanhatipal]

Tagging Game

I was tagged by: @emily-cheshire and @i-prefer-the-term-antihero . Thank you both so much! I really enjoy these,but thus time I was super slow,I got no excuse , forgive me ;-;

I made the questions purple '^'

How tall are you?

5 feel 1 inch. That is 154cm. Yeah,tiny,and full grown. I used to hate it,but I've come to terms with it. Also it's my king Arturia's height,at least that's something to be happy about.

What colour and style is your hair?

Pitch black,and well...not really styled? It's pretty long, comes down to the middle of my thighs,and is a strange mixture of straight and wavy(straight the first foot or so,then gets wavy as we go down,curls at the tips) but I swear I've never styled it. It's side parted,with irregular accidental bangs formed from when a part of my hair got caught in rubber cement a few years ago,and I chopped them off close to the scalp,and they grew to become bangs, because obviously they're shorter than the rest. I usually keep it tied in a Jack Vessalius type braid that reaches my lower waist :")

what color are your eyes?

Brown, slightly reddish

do you wear glasses?

Aye,and I'm pretty blind without them.

do you wear braces?

No

What’s your fashion sense?

....it only exists while buying the clothes,while getting dressed....I put my hand in the cupboard and pull out something,if I'm ok with it I wear, else put it back in and pull out something else if I don't like it

That being said,I like simpler clothes with soft fabric. I wear either knee length or slightly longer dresses/frocks(the simplest type,with a stitch at the waist),or jeans(full length,black,blue or brown because anything else gets dirty too easily) with formal collared shirts or casual tops. If it's not collared, I like to have at least part of my collarbones exposed, but all cleavage hidden(yeah I'm picky). Most of my wardrobe is red,so much that my mom gets scared if I reach for something red in a shop, but also a lot of white, brown,maroon and peach,and a few blues, purples and pinks.

And oh yes,black heels, practically the only thing I wear, and everyday the same pair,unless there's some event or trip or something where I know I'll have to run, then I take the effort to take out converse shoes and the pain to tie laces.

Full name?

You all already know. Sanhati Pal.

when were you born?

27th May '97, in the height of the sticky Indian summer. That too around noon.

where are you from and where do you live now?

India,and I still live in the same city too.

what school do you go to?

I graduated from school in 2016. I went to an all-girls' convent. Now I'm in medical school,which is I guess actually university?

what kind of student are you?

The kind that absolutely hates studying but does it dedicatedly anyway. It's ALWAYS been that way. Teachers think I'm studious,but trust me, I'm not. I just push hard.

do you like school?

I loved school from the later half of 6th grade onwards. I guess 7 and half years in the same place gave me a sense of control. I still love my school and muss it. But college... not really. But then I get restless at home without regular classes or work,so I guess I do,to some extent.

favorite subject?

Back in school, Physics, Literature and Biology. Now, Forensics (though no way in hell will I take it up for post graduate atudies) and Orthopaedics.

favorite tv shows?

My head isn't really working but if anime counts,I guess SKET Dance, 07-ghost,Your lie in April,Fate series, Anohana, Little Busters, fmab, Fairy Tail, Noragami, Chihayafuru, Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki kun....what else?

I enjoyed the shows 101 things that changed the world, and You have been Warned, I guess?

My favourite shows at 10 were Art Attack and Backyard Science

Oh ! The first ever TV show I'd ever watched was incidentally an anime called Heidi,girl of the Alps, when I was 5. I recently rewatched it twice,and while there might've been a nostalgia factor for me,I definitely recommend watching it! It's there on YouTube!

favorite movie?

Good grief..... Uh... I'm just gonna list some randomly without order: Brave,Bridge to Terrabithia, Into the Woods, Kimi no na wa, Coraline, Maquia when the promised flower blooms, Brother Bear, Song of the Sea, Spirit Stallion of the cimmaron, Kiki's Delivery Service,Laputa the castle in the sky.

favorite book?

THIS IS AN IMPOSSIBLE TO ANSWER QUESTION but.... I think The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S.Lewis is a good candidate. I love high fantasy and adventure like Narnia,LOTR,but also slice of life books like Ruskin Bond's Room on the Roof. Most of my favourites centre around children or young teen protagonists,and while 90% are in the English language, there are some in Bengali that are close to my heart too. Basically, everything I illustrated in Inktober 2018.

do you have regrets?

Aye,too many to count but that's okay. I've accepted them and moved on. I've acknowledged my faults. I'll never forget,but I won't whine.

dream job?

Book illustrator and doctor. I'm already halfway through the process of becoming a doctor, it's what I've always wanted and I'm happy, but I still crave to illustrate children's novels,YA fantasy and Light Novels.

do you like shopping?

...I never thought about it.. I guess it depends on what I'm buying and with whom,if it's art supplies,knick knacks, interior decoration,books or plushies,DO I ?!! But if it's clothes.....eh. Oh yes,I only go out with my mom,I don't like spending my money,I know if she's with me, she'll pay,and unlike classmates who insist on buying stuff, she'll make sure I don't buy unnecessary stuff I'll regret later.

what countries have you visited?

None

scariest nightmare you have ever had?

Something I saw when I was 6,or at least that's what had ever frightened me so much. And not once, 2-3 times. I honestly don't remember much,but it had something to do with a possessing virus that turned the host's eyes light(i.e. in our case, yellowish,given the usual colour here is brown),made them kill or something,and jumped to a different host if they died. There was something to do with burnt banana trees too(what the hell), though I don't remember well. It had frightened me so much back then that for a few weeks I'd run whenever I saw people with golden irises(incidentally,there were two or more such people in the neighborhood I lived in then),and after that freak for a few months. But that's all in the past,and it kinda makes me laugh at myself now.

Look at me loving Gilbert Nightray more than anything and anyone else now, it's proof that I've long since gotten over that dream.

any enemies?

Probably yeah. It's not something I've actively avoided,and with a temper like mine, you're likely to make some. But hey, that's okay. Also,I don't consider myself an enemy,more like a hurdle at times,and a malfunctioning machine at others.

do you believe in miracles?

I do. It's a miracle we haven't gotten hit by trucks or died till now. It's a miracle we're alive. Life in itself is a miracle. There are a million ways to die,even without people killing each other,in spite of trying to prevent it. And I've grown up seeing these,and I will keep seeing them for the rest of my life. That is the life of a doctor. I've come to realize how fleeting and fragile this life is,and come to treasure it. There are terrible things in this life, but it's also precious,and I've come to be grateful for it. I don't pray for miracles,I don't believe they'll work that way, I've seen too much to think that way. The fact that we're here right now is a miracle in itself. I will never ask for a miracle,but will always be grateful for all the miracles I already have.

how are you?

I'm fine, nothing wrong at the moment.

I tag(it's ok if you don't want to): @maddyisenough @moody-marshmallow093 @madness-of-lost-memories @miloomezai @k-amui @lolpurple @bagel-san @anyone else who wants to do it

[volleydorkscentral]

ANSWER ALL OF THE QUESTIONS IN THE UNUSUAL ASK GAME, YOU COWARD.

First of all: 

Second, questions under the cut: 

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? - Spotify! all the way. i hoarse my bf’s account so he can never listen but i don’t care it’s mine now it’s full of my music and my playlists and whenever i’m listening to it and it suddenly changes cause he tries to use it on his phone I call him, “are you using spotify?” “oh. i mean i can listen to something else?” “cool, thanks!” and i get my music back. :D

is your room messy or clean? - it’s somewhere in between. my actual ROOM (bed room, i assume) is pretty clean, except i never make the bed. but the house is .. a work in progress. it’s not dirty but it’s cluttered so my bf and I are having to work together to clear that and build shelves and stuff for more storage space.

what color are your eyes? - dark brown! (with little green flecks when I cry)

do you like your name? why? - Not really? i don’t hate it. My mom wanted to name me Savannah but they had her sign the certificate while she was still drugged from her c-section so it ended up as Crystal?? Idk. She named her dolls Crystal when she was a kid.

what is your relationship status? - dating for almost six years. 

how many times a week do you shower? uhhh idk. I don’t shower every day (unless i get gross). AT LEAST four times… but I don’t wash my hair every time cause that’s bad for my hair. I SHOWER WHEN I AM DIRTY.

favorite tv show? does Haikyuu!! count? that’s probably a given. HM. Well, we don’t have cable so I don’t watch a lot of NEW shows? …. OH. Duh. Fuckin me I’m a dumbass. Bob’s Burgers. I literally have it on ALL THE TIME. I don’t like silence so it’s ALWAYS on in the background if i’m not listening to music. I’ve seen every episode a zillion times. I can usually pinpoint every scene and the major lines/jokes.

shoe size? most brands it’s 5 1/2 

how tall are you? SHORTER THAN NISHINOYA BUT TALLER THAN YACHI. I’m like… 5ft-5’1 depending on how much my back hurts. (i used that earlier and someone said it was funny and i’m trash so i’ll repeat it here!)

sandals or sneakers? i wear Bobs LOL. (knock off toms) and i’ve got one pair of sneakers and sometimes I wear my ballet flats around even though my bf says they look dumb fuck u they’re comfy.

do you go to the gym? No. I used to, but where I live now it’d be like a 45 min drive. I don’t really LIKE gyms though? working out is boring to me. No matter how hard I try. I’d love to start dancing again for real.

describe your dream date - April 25th because it’s not too cold and not too hot. Okay but jk that’s a lie where I live it’s balls hot in april. Idk. I’d like to go hiking when it’s not very hot? Take my dog, let her run around. Take a picnic. Sit in a grassy field and talk about dumb shit cause we know each other’s dreams and hopes by now.

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? UHM. fuck like…. $27? i know there’s a twenty and a handful of ones. And a handful of change.

what color socks are you wearing? - NONE. MY FEET ARE COLD. FOREVER COLD.

how many pillows do you sleep with? - pft like 6.

do you have a job? what do you do? - No; I quit after being over worked, under appreciated, cheated out of my paychecks a few times, and no job still due to lingering health issues.

how many friends do you have? answered this already!

whats the worst thing you have ever done? - UHM. Idk i haven’t murdered anyone. I don’t like this question cause if i really try to answer it i’ll spiral into a frustrated, furious depression and self-hatred so… NOPE.

whats your favorite candle scent? i’ve got this candle i got from etsy that’s like… Scottish Highlands? It’s grassy and kinda MAGICY.

3 favorite boy names - i don’t really have favorite names?

3 favorite girl names - answered already

favorite actor? god idk. i’m so bad with names and celebrities. uhm. I really like don’t have a favorite. I LIKE a bunch. Benedict Cumberbatch; Freddie Highmore… uhm. uh. Hugh Laurie? 

favorite actress? IDK OKAY?? I LIKE a bunch but i don’t favorite?? I really like Gwendoline Christie. Uhm. Anne Hathaway makes me laugh. MAGGIE SMITH. how could i forget!??!

who is your celebrity crush? I LEGIT don’t have one.

favorite movie? CLUE takes the top spot most days.

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I used to read a lot more. The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt

money or brains?  personality, bitch.

do you have a nickname? what is it? not *really* but people online used to call me Chrys. My bf calls me ‘sweetie’ sometimes but he also calls the dog that so… ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

how many times have you been to the hospital? - uhm. like the er? Once when I broke my arm. Doc in the box? Not since 2017.

top 10 favorite songs - PFT. Uhm. Jesus just let me die a little. Excluding all Disney; Not in any order:

No One - Biometrix

Danser - Lisandro Cuxi

A Single Moment of Sincerity (E) - Asking Alexandria (the band I was listening to when I designed my rockstar MC that I love so much)

The Annabel Trilogy (a series of 3 albums) - Alesana. Can’t pick a single song because they’re all a part of a huge story. Listen to them.

Chucky vs. The Giant Tortoise - Dance Gavin Dance

Anticoagulant - Sianvar

Ohioisonfire - Of Mice & Men

Coincidance - Handsome Dancer (Watch the Video for the love of god. THANKS ASH FOR THIS GEM)

Devil’s Backbone - The Civil Wars

Still Here - Digital Daggers (i’ve been listening it to a lot for inspiration for a new AU so… yup. That’s gonna be fun and painful)

do you take any medications daily? - yup

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) - i got dry ass skin it sucks

what is your biggest fear? - uhm… physical fear? idk. Heights is a big one that I developed? I used to not care but a while ago I was walking on a bridge and I just… looked over and got FUCKING DIZZZY with nausea and fear that I was gonna fall and almost fainted. 

how many kids do you want? - HONESTLY… one or two.

whats your go to hair style? - tried to brush but gave up so just threw it in a claw clip

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) - moderate? one story, four bedrooms. big ass yard though for the dog

who is your role model? - I don’t really have one.

what was the last compliment you received? - answered already

what was the last text you sent? - actual TEXT message? ‘as long as there’s someone with her overnight she’ll be okay during the day cause of the dog door and stuff. just play with her before you go to work and maybe hide some treats around the house for her to hunt for’ - texting my friend that’s gonna house sit while we go on a family vacation soon.

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? - UH idk the age? i know I saw my mom writing scavenger cards though. My fam has never had a lot of money so to make Christmas more interesting my mom/grandparents (we lived with them till I was in 3rd grade) would make these elaborate scavenger hunts for me and my cousins to do to find our presents around the house or out in the barn or, on one memorable occasion, at the bottom of our pool! Good memories. 

what is your dream car? - one that RUNS and has badass AC and speakers

opinion on smoking? - hate it. please don’t do it around me. my bf’s family alllllll smoke all the time and i get so sick when i have to go on vacation with them and be around it for a long time. 

do you go to college? - i DID. I went to Culinary school and majored in Baking & Pastry

what is your dream job? - Author or Dog Trainer

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? - rural as all hell. give me trees, cows, and horses. 

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Not usually? but usually the people i’m with do. 

do you have freckles? Not on my face (except one) but i’ve got more like… on my arms and just randomly all over but i dont think ‘freckles’ would be what anyone thinks of when they think of me

do you smile for pictures? - only if i’m forced to be in them

how many pictures do you have on your phone?  - HAHAHAHAHAHA. Well. Before I got my new phone it was over 10k. Now though its only about 2k. 

have you ever peed in the woods? - Only when I was camping. 

do you still watch cartoons? - ALL THE GODDAMN TIME

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? - neither. but i HATE WENDYS and can tolerate McD’s fries and they’ve got ballin’ sweet tea so I guess McD.

Favorite dipping sauce? this honey dijon creamy thing at my favorite French restaurant but idk what is is.

what do you wear to bed? - t-shirt 

have you ever won a spelling bee? - YUP. 2nd grade.  

what are your hobbies? - writing, crocheting, photography, reading, uh… i forget what else

can you draw? when i was doing it all the time i did ok? but i’m WAY TOO IMPATIENT now a days to do it. 

do you play an instrument? - no but i wish i did :(

what was the last concert you saw? - i’ve never been to a concert. crowds are icky

tea or coffee? - tea!

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? - already answered this

do you want to get married? - Yes pls

what is your crush’s first and last initial? - (bf, but I suppose i still have a crush on him? is love considered a crush?) J. Y. 

are you going to change your last name when you get married? god yes. my current last name is my shitbag of a sperm doner and i hate it. my mom kept it after they divorced only cause she thought her maiden name would be too hard for me to spell but i would give anything to have that name instead

what color looks best on you? - idk. i prefer black but i’ve been told green and certain shades of pink/yellow. 

do you miss anyone right now? - not until i thought about it, thanks

do you sleep with your door open or closed? open so my pupper can go in and out

do you believe in ghosts? not until i’m faced with darkness and creepy things 

what is your biggest pet peeve? people chewing their food loud. people not picking up after themselves. people interrupting me (but not in the excited, OMG way. that we can work though) but in the ‘i don’t care what you’re saying i’m going to talk now’ way

last person you called` - my bf to discuss plans for his brother’s bday

favorite ice cream flavor? cookies n’ cream!

regular oreos or golden oreos? DOUBLE STUFF OF EITHER

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? FUCK SPRINKLES

what shirt are you wearing? a shirt that has my dog’s face on it :D

what is your phone background? - the art that Ash drew of Bokuto from my fic Just a Taste!!

are you outgoing or shy? - i hate talking to strangers but with my friends i’m pretty fucking loud and chatty

do you like it when people play with your hair? only people i know

do you like your neighbors? nope. he’s an asshole who neglected his dog and i wanna skin him alive

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? i do my best to remember to do it at night but i always do it when i shower

have you ever been high? yup. 

have you ever been drunk? yup

last thing you ate? BIRTHDAY CAKE

favorite lyrics right now - idk? i guess the first lyrics that came to mind, even though they’re not my favorite, just ones that i like and were stuck in my head for a while: “All of the handsome fiction / will melt away / and when the flame burns brighter / Evaporate” Evaporate - Dance Gavin Dance

summer or winter?  WINTER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. IT’S SO FUCKING HOT IN SUMMER I DIE EVERY DAY

day or night? both have their merits

dark, milk, or white chocolate? - all chocolate but i prefer white to just EAT. 

favorite month? uhm. uhh. November maybe? for NaNoWriMo. 

what is your zodiac sign - pftt.. i think i used to be a Gemini? i don’t believe in all that stuff 

who was the last person you cried in front of? - ….. my dog? but probably my mom and Grandmother when my GM basically said my bf didn’t love me and was a shit human being and i was a shit granddaughter for loving him. i was both upset and furious and i walked away from them. (my mom called and apologized, but i haven’t spoken to my GM since)

THERE ASH ARE YOU GODDAMN HAPPY. that took so long LOL (I hope the formatting came through I had to redo it on this tumblr page UGH)

[caricature-of-a-witch]

Reading diary

Post number two. Please bear with me.

So a few weeks ago I read “A Discovery of Witches” by Deborah Harkness, and on Monday I finished the second part; “Shadow of Night”.

The book picks up right where it’s prequel left off, that is, witch Diana Bishop and vampire Matthew Clairmont are about to visit the past together thanks to timewalking being one of Diana’s many talents; Elizabethan England, to be precise. The idea is that in the past they’d be safe from the people pursuing them in the present, Diana could maybe find a witch there to help her hone her magic abilities since being a powerful as fuck witch isn’t as great as it sounds when you’ve had little to no training and hardly know what you’re doing, let alone what you can do, and they could find the book that was the initiator of all the chaos in the first place, preferably before it got pages ripped out and was hidden by magic so no one would find it, which is after all quite an issue in the present.

This novel is... full. Full of people, of plot points, of things that work and things that don’t work out as planned at all, full of funny moments and dangerous moments and full of Diana being amazing, to be honest. Because just because she’s in the past and a woman doesn’t mean she’ll let the men just walk all over her as they often enough try to do - she’ll adapt to the social norms as necessary but she won’t just take everyone’s shit. Probably due to the more extreme contrasts between men and women of those times, her attitude here becomes even clearer than in A Discovery of Witches, and I love it.

Honestly, I don’t even know how to sum up the plot, there’s just... so much. Like, first thing basically is Diana finding that the so called School of Night is made up of Matthew’s friends and acquaintances (I am the opposite of a historian but apparently the School of Night is/was actually a thing) and so we have people like Christopher Marlowe and Walter Raleigh running around right from the beginning. (Kit Marlowe is, as of this book, a daemon.) Matthew randomly showing up with a woman, a witch no less, causes some ripples, especially considering the prejudices that vampires, witches, and daemons harbour for each other. Plus, time travel makes everything complicated, because Matthew will still exist in those times after their return to the present, but Diana very obviously will not. It’s complicated, okay.

I could just continue rambling now because no way will I manage to organise my thoughts into anything coherent or resembling a plot summary, but I hope you’d read the first installment before this one anyway, so just... go start with that and then decide if you’re interested in the sequel, please. I’m just here to let you know that once again I was smiling a lot while reading, and that I thoroughly enjoyed it. Especially the part where Diana accidentally animated a bee that was decoration for an expensive lady slipper, causing it to fly off the shoe. Which is. Awkward. That said, she finds people to teach her (I love those witches, let me tell you), they find the book (and learn things they never wanted to), and they also find one hell lot of trouble. And I’m going to get the sequel once I’m through with Anne Rice’s Queen of the Damned and have read Andy Weir’s Artemis.

One warning though, and a thing that kinda bugged me:

(SPOILER)

One thing that happens in the book is that Diana gets pregnant, and loses the child, so if that’s likely to be an issue, I’d recommend not reading the book. The thing that bugged me is that I don’t feel like they’re actually dealing with the psychological repercussions of that? Like... they’re sad and desperate and all for a bit but... I don’t know, I’m no expert, but I feel like it wasn’t addressed properly. Diana gets pregnant again a while after, and everything’s fine. It’s a long book and pretty much everything in it is good and that overshadows this issue for me and I still love it, but yeah. That’s a thing.

[shuuenmatsuri]

@colored-in-sapphire

HELLO I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD TIME THE PAST FEW DAYS WHETHER YOU CELEBRATE THE HOLIDAYS OR NOT. i, a person who no longer uses tumblr, am your secret santa here to deliver the ca and db content. sorry i can’t write e-noru or b-ka so i just did this. there’s no were near as much c-ta kicking in this compared to last year, but i hope you enjoy this nonetheless! 

A few weeks before Christmas, C-ta arrived early to the abandoned school building as always. After tossing his bag onto a random desk, he sat down and took out his phone. He had about ten minutes before A-ya would come in. There wasn’t much to do besides respond to some texts from his classmates.

To his confusion, only three minutes had passed when he heard footsteps. A small part of him felt anxious (the stories a-ya tells can get scary sometimes, but he’d take that to his grave), but he didn’t move. Those stories were just that in the end, stories. So, there’s no phantom coming by right now.

As he expected, the footsteps didn’t belong to some apparition. It was just D-ne. She rarely came early, preferring to find B-ko first and walk over together. D-ne only ever came early to mess with him. But when she put her stuff to the side and leaned on the desk, facing the door, C-ta thought that she may just honestly be early for once. Maybe B-ko was busy, and–

“B-ko and I are going Christmas shopping together!”

And right as he thought that, she had to say something. he would’ve ignored her, if it wasn’t for her grin. It was as if she was mocking him—scratch that, it’s D-ne. Of course, she was mocking him. Why else would she come here when no one else was around? This happened every single time.

“Try announcing that to people who would give a shit, and not me, thanks,” he says with a scoff, turning his attention back to his phone. God, why did he ever come here early? Wait, it was so he could be here when A-ya came. Right. He tried not to sigh. Showing weakness in front of D-ne was dangerous, because she’d never stop poking at him about it.

“It’s a date, you know. A date. I’m going on a date with B-ko, and you aren’t going anywhere with A-ya, are you?” she said, her grin never faltering. How did such a small smile look so big and pompous? Were the levels of smugness inversely related to smile sizes?

“As if I’d tell you of all people anything about my plans. I wouldn’t put it past you to show up randomly and ruin everything,” he replied, sending a glare her way. C-ta knew the glare would do nothing to her, but he wanted to send one nonetheless.

Footsteps stopped D-ne from speaking further. They both turned their direction to the door and saw the other two members of their group walking in. Immediately, D-ne went over to B-ko. Now, C-ta was by no means religious, but the relief of not needing to speak to D-ne anymore was strong enough for him to consider thanking some higher power. Whatever that stopped D-ne from talking deserved thanks.

He drowned out the conversation the two girls were having and asked A-ya about any new rumors. That sent A-ya into his usual storyteller mode, calling for everyone’s attention. Did he make any acknowledgement at D-ne’s frown? Of course not. Did it satisfy him immensely? Absolutely. Petty revenge was wonderful.

The four of them spent a little more than an hour conversing about rumors. Somewhere in that hour, A-ya went on a mini-rant about how the holiday season made people even more interested in boring fluffy romance.

“Even more than usual, all people want to hear about are about dates or other mundane things. I can’t even get a word in edgewise to start any rumors, not even when people start asking about B-ko or—”

“Don’t you dare spread more rumors about me, jerk!”

“I just said I couldn’t do anything. Even that chatty classmate of mine didn’t take the bait. It’s annoying. This entire season is annoying.”

Though this kind of topic would make normal people unhappy—speaking negatively of good things tended to upset people, after all—C-ta couldn’t help but smile. It was just so refreshing to see A-ya get worked up over something (though to everyone else, there was no difference from the usual pessimism. but c-ta knew). And when B-ko questioned about any potential Christmas-esque ghosts, A-ya just sighed more.

“None. There’s only the typical movies which sometimes feature ghosts and have zero scare potential. And those aren’t rumors to begin with, so there’s nothing.”

The meeting ended soon after, A-ya having no more interesting stories to tell or things to rant about, and the four of them split into their respective duos. C-ta heard snippets of the girls’ conversation as they left, picking out where to shop in a few days. A-ya heard too, if the blank stare locked onto their retreating figures meant anything.

“Do you want to go anywhere for Christmas, A-ya? With your parents or something?” C-ta asked as they began walking out.

“My parents got off work for once because they wanted to celebrate as a family, so there’s that planned. There’s nothing else besides that, and I don’t really want to do anything else.”

Disappointment made C-ta sag for a second, before quickly bouncing back up. He couldn’t let A-ya see that. But honestly, hearing that A-ya’s parents were off was a shock. For a while, C-ta’s dragged A-ya into spending Christmas with his family instead. Guess not this year. “Oh? No plans for some rumor spreading in the markets?”

“Like I said, everyone’s too focused on holiday cheer this year for that to have any effect.” A-ya made no mention or reference to C-ta’s sad display, thankfully. Instead, all the other boy did was frown.

C-ta used all his willpower to not laugh. A-ya just looked so unhappy, like some frustrated cat! He still smiled though. He smiled all the time, so it wouldn’t seem out of place. Unfortunately, that smile turned anxious at his friend’s next words.

“Maybe I should bury you in snow this year. There’s got to be some sort of spirit summoning that involves that.”

“Please don’t.”

The days after followed a similar pattern, up until the school released them for a break. On the last day of school, the group somehow ended up discussing their plans. This was a surprise for two reasons: one, plans like this were usually discussed earlier than this, and two, C-ta did not anticipate this group having this talk. But here they were, discussing winter plans as if they were like all the other students.

“D-ne and I are going shopping. I thought it’d be nice just going around some malls or plazas and seeing the decorations. Not on Christmas day, of course. Nothing’s open then, and I’m having dinner with my family.” B-ko said, starting the conversation. When she finished, she looked at the others expectantly.

“I’ve been invited to a few parties here and there, and people begged me to at least come, so I have that. I don’t plan on staying at any for more than an hour, though. I doubt any will be fun,” C-ta said, realizing that neither of the other two would start talking first. “I also celebrate with my family, and usually A-ya would join, but…”

“My parents managed to get time off so we’re together for once,” A-ya supplied, giving a light shrug.

Oh, C-ta did not like that smile D-ne had. It was just like the grin she had a few weeks ago. “Oh, so you’re not spending any time with C-ta this break? What a shame. I didn’t think you guys would go anywhere, but I expected something at least.”

“I’m surprised too! Maybe you guys can do something else before or after Christmas? Like playing in the snow,” B-ko said, with considerable less malice than D-ne. Her interjection was fast enough, and idea filled him with enough dread that he couldn’t boil over D-ne’s mockery.

“I do not want a repeat of me getting buried in snow.”

The others laughed at that (a-ya only had a small smile but c-ta will count it as a laugh), despite him finding no humor in this whatsoever. He got sick a couple days after last year’s impromptu snowball fight. Sure, there were some good moments, but he spent the rest of the break sick and miserable. He couldn’t even get out of bed to check on A-ya most of the time. What if something happened? It was a terrible week.

“I think that suited you, though.”

“I don’t acknowledge your opinions, witch.”

The conversation continued with more references to C-ta’s misfortune last year. D-ne spent half of the time smirking at him instead of focusing purely on B-ko, which he ignored. He refused to respond to her taunts (and they were taunts, even if she directed nothing at him). When the meeting finished, B-ko and D-ne left first like usual. Despite the holiday, everything seemed to go by as usual.

Except for the actual holiday, in which C-ta would not be spending with A-ya. Despite knowing for weeks, the thought still brought about a bitter taste in his mouth. Or maybe as the day drew closer, the more it ate at him. He wasn’t angry at A-ya’s parents by any means, but it just felt so… unreal to him. It was only one holiday, and it’s not like the two spent every moment together, and yet…

It felt so off. It felt so wrong. And C-ta hated this feeling. It was like a carpet was suddenly yanked out from under him, or he had no balance.

Even their walk home, filled with their usual banter did nothing to reassure him. Nothing’s changed, they were still best friends, everything’s the same… Like B-ko said, they could plan something else to make up for it. But whatever they planned wouldn’t be the usual Christmas together. It wouldn’t. And maybe that’s why C-ta couldn’t bring himself to ask about it as the two walked into their houses.

A few days passed by uneventfully until the 23rd. Today, D-ne would meet up with B-ko around 1 P.M. and they’d start their trip around town. The plan was to start at the mall, look through all the shops, and then move to some plazas to look at decorations. She brought enough money with her to buy one or two things to not seem suspicious; the idea was to go Christmas shopping, but that was just an excuse to spend time with B-ko.

Thinking about how great it would to be with B-ko alone for several hours and imagining how cute B-ko would be, D-ne arrived at their meeting spot twenty minutes early. There was no way she’d make B-ko wait in the cold! And there was also no way she wouldn’t wave to B-ko as soon as she came, so D-ne just kept a lookout.

To her excitement, she saw B-ko walk over ten minutes before their meeting time. She knew B-ko would come early, but ten minutes early? Maybe she was as excited as D-ne. Just maybe. With a smile, she called out to B-ko and began waving. B-ko smiled in return as she rushed her way over.

“Jeez, I thought ten minutes would be early enough! You haven’t been here for long, have you?” B-ko asked, smoothing her clothes. She looked adorable.

“No, no! I just got here myself!” D-ne said, laughing lightly. Moving closer to knock shoulders, she pointed to the mall. “Shall we go?”

The smile B-ko gave her could melt glaciers. If only she could’ve taken a picture of the moment. “Of course!”

They walked to and through the mall rather close together, partly because it was cramped, and partly because D-ne wanted to brush arms together. B-ko didn’t seem to notice, or care. Hopefully it was the latter. The shops had nothing of interest, especially not when B-ko was with her, but D-ne spent some time away from B-ko in the shops. It’d look a bit too suspicious, a bit too much like a certain boy.

Being separated also meant there were chances for B-ko to find something interesting and walk over to show it to her. D-ne took these as opportunities to take a picture (with permission, of course) under the guise of sending whatever item B-ko picked up to the others. It wasn’t really a lie, since D-ne did send some pictures with mocking captions to C-ta (cropped, so none of b-ko. he didn’t deserve any pictures of her).

Unfortunately, D-ne stopped after a few pictures, because she got too distracted. Whenever B-ko rushed over to here with a cry of “Hey, D-ne!” or “D-ne, look at this!”, she felt too giddy to do much besides pay attention. And sometimes, whenever B-ko handed something to D-ne, their fingers touched. There was nothing else she could do besides go along with B-ko’s pace.

By the time they finished looking through all the shops, several hours passed. It was half past four and the sun began to set. D-ne couldn’t believe that time went by so quickly, but she was snapped out of it when she felt something warm on her hand.

B-ko was holding her hand.

She made out some words like “too many people,” “gotta get to the plazas,” and “might get lost.” But as they walked out of the mall, all D-ne could focus on was B-ko’s hand in hers. She couldn’t even think, her mind was blank. Without realizing, she squeezed.

B-ko squeezed back.

Somewhere along the way, the two girls found themselves on a decorated street. The soft white lights strung around wrapped around lampposts and hovered above. D-ne came to a stop, causing B-ko to look at her with confusion.

“B-ko, the lights are so pretty!”

“Oh, yeah! I’m surprised to see the street so decorated, but it’s nice.

“Hey, let me take a picture of you here! It’d be perfect!”

“H-Huh? Well, if you really want to…”

They had to let go of each other’s hands, but D-ne found it to be a necessary evil. She could always try holding B-ko’s hand after, too. But this was a one-time opportunity for the photo. Taking out her phone, she pointed the shutter at B-ko. With the lights glowing behind her and her smile, B-ko really did look like an angel.

After taking several shots for good measure, D-ne told B-ko she was done. Putting away her phone, D-ne had no idea what the other was doing.

So, her face when she felt B-ko wrap an arm around her waist and heard B-ko go “say cheese!” was one of utter surprise. She heard the shutter go off, but B-ko still didn’t let go.

“Hey, I want one of you smiling too!”

She burst into the biggest smile of her life.

Though D-ne forgot about the pictures she sent because of the rest of her night, the reluctant recipient did not. C-ta was downright pissed at all the pictures she sent, with messages geared to pointing out how he wasn’t doing anything with A-ya. She stopped after six, but it was infuriating nonetheless. And since he wasn’t doing anything with A-ya, there was nothing to distract him from his annoyance.

Hell, he couldn’t even check up on A-ya most of the time! Since his parents were off, A-ya spent his time around them in the kitchen or the living room. It’s not like A-ya was never in his room, but he wasn’t there enough! What was C-ta supposed to do?

Sure, there were the parties his classmates were holding, but he would barely ever go to them normally! And when he was in this shitty of a mood? No. Absolutely not. Instead, C-ta spent his days up until Christmas moping around (but not enough for his parents to think anything of it, oh god no).

And when he woke up to a Christmas day where A-ya wouldn’t be coming over?

It felt like shit.

Reluctantly, C-ta got up before his parents came banging at his door for not being awake on this fine, cheery, wonderful Christmas day. He need time to shape his face into something presentable. Dunking his face into water was a good start.

He came out of the restroom to see his parents setting up the table for three. Three. He felt his stomach sink. This was the fucking worst. And to his horror, his parents noticed his face fall. They reassured him, but he refused to listen, zoning out their words. He put on a smile, of course, but he didn’t want to hear anyone say it’ll be alright and he could spend time with A-ya later. It didn’t change how A-ya wasn’t here now.

The dinner was agonizing. It took all C-ta had to not look at the empty seat, acting as if everything was fine to his parents. They ate slowly while they spoke, and C-ta slowly eased into the same persona he put on in class. He shoved down all his negativity. He’d acknowledge it later, but not now, not now, not in front of others.

When the meal was over with, his parents suggested a movie. C-ta bit the inside of his mouth. He wanted to rush over to his room instead and check if he could see A-ya, but he knew that it was pointless. So, he agreed, and they all sat together on the couch and watched some run-of-the-mill romantic comedy. His parents enjoyed it at least, and focused on the movie completely. It gave him some time to zone out again, and this time he thought of nothing.

Without him realizing, his parents went on a bit of a movie marathon. Did he just waste several hours doing nothing…? Looking at the clock told him yes, yes, he did. God. It was late enough to start cooking dinner, so he offered to help his parents. He didn’t actually want to cook, but he just needed to do something.

He tried not to think while he helped. He tried not to think of when he was a kid and baked Christmas cookies with A-ya. He focused on cutting the vegetables perfectly, on getting the exact amount of liquid in the measuring cups. And when dinner came along, he just ate food and listened closely to his parents. By giving himself enough stimulus, he could distract himself.

But when the day was over, and nothing was to be done, there was nothing he could use as a distraction. When his parents finally decided to turn in, C-ta rushed up to his room. The utter dejection he felt when he couldn’t see A-ya made his throat burn. He thought being sick for weeks last year was bad? He’d take that over this in a heartbeat.

When he threw himself on his bed, he couldn’t fall asleep. It didn’t surprise him at all—he spent today doing nothing, so how could he be tired. With a sigh, he sat up against the wall and took out his phone. He read the texts he got from his classmates, most of them pictures of the parties he missed. There were some holiday wishes, the goddamn pictures D-ne sent…

He got a phone call.

C-ta blinked, doing nothing for a few seconds besides letting the phone vibrate in his hand. He was too out of it to read the caller ID, but maybe it was important. With a sigh, he rubbed his eyes and saw—

“A-ya?!”

“Don’t yell.”

When he realized who it was, C-ta pressed answer as soon as he could. He spent so much time just looking at his phone, and the call could’ve stopped at any moment. Belatedly, he realized he was shaking.

A-ya called him. He called him! This meant something, this meant that A-ya missed him, or A-ya was thinking of him, or something. C-ta felt like he was in space, like he was floating. After a day of not hearing A-ya’s voice when he should’ve been here, he could hear it again. There was some semblance of normalcy again. He could breathe. He was breathing like normal again.

At least, that’s how he felt until he noticed that A-ya wasn’t talking. He did call him, right? So why wasn’t he saying anything? Unless it was a misdial, and he didn’t want C-ta to pick up. That would be embarrassing as hell, but he could manage with that.

But what if A-ya called to tell C-ta that he preferred spending Christmas with his own family and not with C-ta? What if his silence was just him thinking about how to phrase it? What if A-ya never wanted to spend Christmas with C-ta ever again? That can’t be right, but what if—

“It was weird not hearing you talking about whatever today.”

Those words stopped all the fears he had. C-ta laughed, the first laugh he had today. “Oh? Did you miss me? Haha, you’re helpless without me, aren’t you? Should we ask our parents to have a joint dinner next year, if your parents can get off again?”

It was just a passing thought to keep the conversation going, but A-ya answered anyway. “… It wouldn’t be that bad.”

Ah, this was bliss.

[auroraphilealis]

Heaven Scent Chapter 3

Heaven Scent | Dan Howell rarely leaves the house unless he has too, too socially awkward to function normally around other people, and generally making his only friends through Louise, a sweet beta who took him under her wing a few years back when they were both still in college. It’s no surprise, then, that the omega has yet to find a mate, despite craving one rather a lot. It’s not until he attends Louise’s birthday party and gets accidentally-on-purpose set up with an attractive alpha named Phil Lester who smells absolutely heavenly that Dan starts to fall into a proper romance, complete with courting and scenting and the like. | Phan | Mature | A/B/O dynamics (Omegaverse fic), Fluff, Getting Together, Eventual Smut, Courting | 5,949 Words this chapter

So I’ve been writing this so fast I’ve just decided to post Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, yikes LOL so I hope you guys enjoy their first date! <3

Disclaimer: In no way do I pretend that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.

(Ao3) (Previous)

Chapter Three

By the time Saturday arrived, Dan wasn’t even sure if Phil felt like a stranger anymore. They’d been texting on and off for three days, practically non stop except for work (Phil had strange hours, it seemed, but they hadn’t got around to talking about careers just yet), sleep, and sometimes meals, though Dan had become an expert at texting with one hand while he spooned cereal into his mouth with the other at three o’clock in the afternoon.

They hadn’t gotten around to talking about the more practical sides of each other that came from a first date, but it didn’t seem to matter. Dan already knew so much about Phil Lester that when he started getting ready for his date that night, it didn’t feel like the first.

In fact, it felt more like getting ready to go out with a friend, and if Dan was being honest, he much preferred that to almost any other date he’d ever been on.

Don’t get him wrong, the alpha didn’t feel like just a friend, though. He was someone Dan was quickly finding himself really rather interested in, and he just wanted to know more, and more, and more about him until he’d learned every last thing about Phil Lester there was to know, and while Dan very much so wanted this date to go well… he was quickly finding that he’d be just as okay with it if things never progressed passed “just friends.”

Phil was just… amazing. Dan had learned that the man was incredibly passionate and heartfelt when he wanted to be, ready to defend his opinions against even some of Dan’s more terrifying rants, without ever once backing down. His thoughts were well thought out as well, as emotive as they were backed with reason, a fact that intrigued Dan almost beyond any other; he was used to being the more impartial person in an argument, after all.

On top of all that, though, Phil just had a strange… charm to him when he spoke.

Even through text Dan could feel that same sense of comfort he’d gotten when Phil had talked in person at Louise’s party. He had a way of making you laugh with him when he was being socially awkward, rather than being awkward in return, and it seemed to be the main reason Dan was able to talk to him so easily. He was glad for that, because Dan was used to being the awkward one, but even now when he made strange blunders, Phil didn’t seem to mind.

Phil didn’t seem to mind anything, really. He was more receptive to Dan than almost anyone else had ever been to him, except for Louise and maybe even Wirrow. PJ still gave Dan funny looks from time to time, and while Hazel was endlessly sweet and unassuming, even she didn’t get along with Dan quite as well as the others.

But Phil… Phil was something else, like a puzzle piece slotting into Dan’s life where he hadn’t known it was missing. It sounded cheesy and romantic, something Dan wished he could chalk up to his omega tendencies, but he knew was just part of him. Phil just fit with him, and Dan so, so badly hoped that Phil felt the same way as him.

If he didn’t, well then, so be it. Dan would be just as happy to have Phil in his life in any capacity, even if he was kind of hoping for something more after all the flirting of the last few days.

That was the other thing. They didn’t just share a lot of the same tastes, and Phil didn’t just ignore Dan’s blunders when he spoke and said things that either didn’t make any sense, or would scare anyone else away. No, they also got on exceptionally well. There was a never a dull moment when they were chatting, never a second where Dan didn’t itch to respond, never a message that went unanswered because neither male knew what to say anymore.

No, conversation seemed to flow naturally between them, and they talked like they were old friends, rather than two strangers who’d met at a party just once.

Even without the sexual tension between them, Dan knew they’d made the best of friends, and… that excited him.

Dan had never had a best friend before.

Phil was due to pick Dan up for their date in about an hour, which meant that Dan had just finished a shower and was currently drying his hair, doing his best to contain his urge to reach for a straightner and force it into some semblance of tame. He’d come to terms with his curls months ago, but the nerves of going on a first date made it incredibly tempting to return to a flat iron.

Phil had already seen Dan with unruly curls, though, so the point seemed moot. Dan sighed, somewhat distressed, as he pulled out a hair dryer instead.

Hopefully he could at least attempt to shape it into a form he actually liked, then. The last thing he needed was to show up to his date looking like a rat when Dan wanted nothing more than to make a good first impression on Phil.

First impression… Dan couldn’t help but laugh at the thought, the sound soft as he grinned at his reflection in the mirror. He wore nothing but a towel slung around his waist, hair dripping onto pale shoulders, and he looked a right mess, but he still couldn’t help smiling at himself. After all, this might be a first date, but it wasn’t a first impression. No, somehow, Dan had already won the alphas attentions.

They’d flown straight past first impressions into a collision course with courting.

Proper courting, for the first time in Dan’s life.

The thought still made him giddy, which in turn made it difficult for Dan to wipe the grin off of his face. Omega or no omega, scent or no scent, Dan had still somehow managed to interest Phil, someone who his biology seemed to think was a very, very good match for him, if Phil’s overwhelming scent were anything to go by.

Dan could still smell it, sort of. It had clung to his nose for days, and the memory of it was enough to bring it straight back to him -

Dan’s phone vibrated in the middle of him drying his hair, and he didn’t waste a second in turning off the blow dryer and setting it down.

Phil’s name had just flashed across his screen.

From: Phil Lester <3

surprise! i uhm… might be early

The words sent a zing of surprise up Dan’s spine, and he suddenly spun in the middle of his bathroom to sniff at the air. He had thought he was taking in Phil’s scent a little too strongly to be a memory, but he hadn’t thought that Phil would already have arrived.

As Dan sniffed the air, however, it became more than a little bit clear that Phil was, in fact, already at his door.

Interested heat curled in Dan’s belly at the thought of the alpha being so eager to see him again, and he laughed in delighted surprise as he picked up his phone again.

To: Phil Lester <3

impatient much?

From: Phil Lester <3

… maybe. im sorry! if your not ready i can just wait outside D’;

Dan found himself laughing again despite himself, feeling warmth spread to his cheeks at Phil’s easy response.

Despite being overwhelmingly aware of the fact that Phil was most definitely interested in him, little moments like these still took him by surprise. Anytime Phil had mentioned anything about being anxious to see Dan again this week, Dan had felt something nervous and shy explode in his insides, and now was no different. The idea that the alpha could be so eager, and unafraid to show it, as well as be so soft and kind? That was… novel, to Dan.

He’d had so many guys in his life in the past, and not one of them, alpha or otherwise, had ever been quite like Phil.

To: Phil Lester <3

unfortunately im not but feel free to make yourself comfortable. im sure my house plants’ll appreciate the comapny >:D

From: Phil Lester <3

have i mentioned how much i love house plants?

hurry up, im lonely :’(

The randomly blurted fact didn’t even surprise Dan at this point, and he merely snorted as he dropped his phone back down onto his bathroom counter, and picked up his hairdryer again. He could still smell Phil outside, the alpha’s musk permeating Dan’s flat without him ever having even been inside. Dan inhaled sharply, closing his eyes and enjoying it as he dried his hair.

He honestly wouldn’t mind that scent clinging to his entire life, if he was being honest. It was just so warm and homey, sharp in some ways, but mostly just… nice. Phil smelt nice, and Dan was glad to have the scent near once again.

He just hoped the future would see even more of it.

With Phil waiting ever so patiently outside - by which Dan meant, not patiently at all, considering he wouldn’t stop texting him little thoughts and anxious smiley faces that honestly just made Dan’s stomach flip over - Dan felt even more rushed to get ready, but he did his best to make himself appear presentable.

Once he’d gotten his hair just the way he wanted it, he put away his hair dryer and headed back into his bedroom to get dressed. He’d laid out a nice pair of black skinny jeans in preparation for his date, along with a soft bluey-green v-neck that hugged his neck and chest really nicely. It was meant to be a cold night, so he’d planned to accompany the outfit with his black jacket with the zips all over it to make for a kind of casual, fashiony appearance, considering Phil hadn’t told Dan where they were going yet.

The skinny jeans were… possibly a mistake. Dan had done his best to dry off after his shower, but they were still a nightmare to pull on, and once he’d managed it, he felt kind of winded, sat on his bed with his forehead a little sweaty already. He felt kind of ridiculous when he pulled on his shirt immediately after, and then, after checking his appearance one more time in the mirror, he shrugged on his jacket, grabbed his keys, wallet, and cell phone, and finally ventured out into the living room.

Phil’s scent was even stronger here. Dan could sense him sat just outside his door, and while he’d been nervous before, suddenly he was terrified. What if Phil decided he hated Dan after all? He’d only seen him in person one other time, and Dan was ten times more awkward when you had to deal with him face to face. Surely, this was a bad idea?

Biting his lip, Dan hesitated next to his shoe rack, and stared at the plaster of his door.

Phil wouldn’t be able to scent him. Dan was covered in neutralizing soaps, as he always was.

But he kind of wished Phil could.

From: Phil Lester <3

dan? you ready yet? :’D

To: Phil Lester <3

almost.

are you ready for a bumpy ride? cause im an emotional rollercoaster

From: Phil Lester <3

are you trying to scare me away? cause its not going to work :’P im way too invested now!

i like you dan… please come out?

Dan’s hands were legitimately shaking as he read Phil’s message, unable to believe the words written there were real. It really wasn’t that Dan didn’t have any self confidence, it was just that… it had taken a real hit over the years. He was attractive, sure, but he wasn’t mate worthy, and that… well, that had always bothered him to a certain extent.

He really was socially awkward, and he’d never quite fit in. Being friends with Louise and the others was a miracle. But Phil?

Taking in a deep breath, Dan finally moved to shove his shoes on - black high tops with zips on both sides - and opened his front door.

Instantly, Dan was swamped with the overpowering scent of Phil all over again. Dan hadn’t even caught sight of the man yet, and he could already smell him as if he were pressed right up against Dan. His scent filled Dan’s nostrils in a way that caused him to close his eyes in bliss and inhale.

The sound of a low chuckle had his eyes snapping back open and his cheeks turning red.

Phil Lester was standing up from where he’d been sat next to Dan’s door, wiping away invisible dust stains from his black jeans, and smirking at Dan like he knew exactly what he was doing to the omega. Embarrassed to have been caught so obviously enjoying the alpha’s scent, Dan ducked his head away.

He couldn’t keep his gaze downcast for very long, however, shy smile curving over his features as he peered up at Phil.

The alpha was wearing skinny jeans as well, legs so thin that the dark fabric wasn’t nearly as skin tight as Dan’s were. Somehow, he still looked freaking amazing anyway. His shirt was a red button up, plaid, and long sleeved. Something about it brought out the black of the man’s hair, and - he seemed to be wearing contacts, as the last time Dan had seen Phil, he remembered quite distinctly the thick, black-rimmed glasses he’d been wearing. The sight of Phil without the glasses though was… well, intoxicating, to a certain degree.

Phil’s eyes were so blue, and yet there was green and yellow in his eyes that just made them appear even more beautiful than Dan had previously thought. They were electrifying, and sent a thrill down Dan’s spine as he stared.

“I guess I don’t have to ask whether or not my scent is appealing to you,” Phil chuckled, finally breaking the silence with the line.

Unwilling to back down a second time, Dan merely grinned in return.

“I guess I don’t have to ask either,” he shot back, laughing as Phil’s jaw dropped open in shock at him, before the other male began to laugh as well. “Get it,” Dan joked, “Because I don’t have a scent?”

Phil shook his head, eyes scrunched up in that way Dan had only seen a few times before back at Louise’s birthday party, but which made him look even younger than he already did. His grin was loose and adorable, the tip of his tongue poking out from between his teeth on one side, and he just looked so carefree that Dan wanted to tug him in and kiss him.

He didn’t, wanting to save that moment for some time down the line. Dan wasn’t quite ready for that just yet. He was excited for the chance to be courted.

“You’re an idiot,” Phil joked, poking Dan in the arm fondly once he’d calmed down a little bit, and jerking like he wanted to do more. Dan remembered how tactile Phil had seemed at the party, and wondered if he was in for a treat tonight. He bit his lip, kind of hoping Phil would take his hand, or, better yet, wrap his arm around Dan’s shoulders and pull him in tight against his side.

Phil cleared his throat, dropping his hand instead and licking his lips as he tossed his head a little to readjust his fringe. He looked nervous, which was ridiculous considering he’d only just been teasing Dan a few seconds ago. His sharp eyes caught Dan’s gaze, then, and held.

“So - you’re okay with me being an alpha, right? Because I know that’s kind of a deal breaker for some people, and I don’t hide my scent because of it, but I just wanted to make sure. I know you already knew I was an alpha when you, like, accepted my courting gift a few weeks ago, I just. Things change, you know, when you’re not in the heat of the moment, and I just wanted to make sure,” Phil babbled, the words breezing from his lips as if he’d been holding onto them for a good week straight or something.

If Dan was behind honest, they also shocked him. He hadn’t been anticipating Phil to be worried about his secondary gender when Phil didn’t even know what Dan’s was yet.

The shock was so real, that Dan forgot to respond.

Phil’s cheeks went red.

“I mean, I figured that might be why it took you so long to text me in the first place, is all. I just - I just wanted to make sure, because I didn’t want to make you feel pressured to go on a date with me or anything, and I -” he rushed to add, beginning to look more and more upset the longer that he spoke.

Gently, Dan reached out and grasped tight to Phil’s shoulders in an attempt to still his now agitated shaking, eyes wide as he stared at Phil. His jaw was a little unhinged, he was sure, it was, just - well, this had been the last thing he’d been expecting.

“Phil. It’s - it’s fine, I promise. I’m more than okay with you being an alpha, I swear,” Dan rushed to reassure him, still attempting to blink back his own surprise at Phil’s admittance. “I’m not like, into stereotypes or anything. I uh… honestly, the reason it took me so long to text you was because I was… kind of scared of something similar,” Dan admitted.

It was better late than never, and Dan had meant to apologize for keeping Phil hanging for so long. He sighed, dropping his hands from Phil’s shoulders, and reached up to push his fringe out of his face instead. It dropped right back into place, but it wasn’t actually getting it out of the way that mattered, just the distracting movement of his hands.

Dan looked away.

“I’m not really used to being courted, especially not since I don’t - I don’t exactly broadcast my secondary gender. I was afraid that would be a deal breaker for you, because I don’t…”

Dan trailed off, biting his bottom lip, and then sighed. What had happened to the ease of conversation that usually flowed between the two of them? Sure, they hadn’t really talked about any of the serious stuff yet, but Dan had really been hoping it would transition to the harder stuff too.

Deciding he wasn’t going to be shy about his feelings, Dan finally looked up and matched Phil’s gaze again.

“I prefer for someone to get to know me for me, before they learn to love my - instincts, so to speak,” he explained.

Phil, for a moment, still looked a little unsure, studying Dan like he wasn’t quite certain if the other was telling the truth. Dan could hardly blame him when it was still completely insane to him that Phil could be worried Phil being an alpha was an issue to him, so he let Phil have his moment to digest what Dan had said before he responded.

After another moment, the worry lines smoothed from Phil’s forehead, and the unease left his eyes until he was back to smiling softly at Dan. He looked a little more enamoured than Dan thought he had any right to be, but he wasn’t going to complain when having that look aimed at him was causing him heart palpitations the way it currently was.

“Okay,” Phil finally responded. “Great! So you don’t mind that I’m an alpha, and I don’t mind that your - just you. Now that that’s settled. You look really nice, today.”

A surprised smile bloomed over Dan’s face, and he coughed out a shocked laugh at the ease with which Phil had not only wrapped up their musings, but changed the subject, as if it hardly mattered at all anymore.

Dan supposed it didn’t, when it came right down to it, and merely rolled his eyes at the alpha stood before him.

“So do you,” he agreed, and reached up to straighten Phil’s lopsided shirt collar. A greedy sense of affection and rightness filled Dan at the simple act of cleaning up after the alpha, and he threw the accompanying grin at Phil without a care in the world.

If their texting relationship was anything to go by, let alone the completely smitten look on Phil’s face, Dan had a feeling he didn’t have anything left to be afraid of.

 Their date ended up being a nice walk around the park, something unprecedented and surprising to Dan who’d been expecting - well, just about anything else, really.

Though Phil had encouraged Dan to dress casually, he’d anticipated something more cliche, like a movie date where Phil could make the excuse to make out with Dan in the back corner, or a dine-in where they ate in their car and had the excuse to practically sit in each others laps. When Dan really thought about it, though, not only did he prefer this, but he realized he should have been expecting it.

Phil seemed like an old fashioned kind of guy who wanted to treat his partner right, and didn’t give off the whole, jumping into things too quickly kind of vibe. Dan usually went along with it when his dates got kind of frisky, unable to help it considering for a long time, he’d been an affection starved teenager, but he kind of appreciated the fact that Phil wasn’t really putting the moves onto him.

Not to say that Phil wasn’t particularly touchy, because he was, just not in the usual grabby kind of way that Dan was used to. No, instead, Phil walked just close enough to Dan at all times that their shoulders constantly rubbed, and their hands brushed from time to time. Phil’s scent was a constant, surrounding Dan like a cloud, and yet even that was comforting. It wasn’t overly cloying or aroused, merely that same nice scent that Phil had been exuding since Dan had first met him.

When Dan said something particularly silly, something that usually earned him a funny look, Phil reached over and shoved his shoulder in a joking manner, constantly laughing at the dumb things that came out of Dan’s mouth. When he wanted to make a point of something he was saying, he gently rubbed his hand down Dan’s shoulder to make sure he had the others man’s attention, and used his hands to create shapes in the air. Sometimes, Phil even seemed tempted to catch Dan;s hand in his to hold onto, or wrap his arm around Dan’s waist, and while Dan did his best to make it clear that he’d be okay with that, Phil always seemed to pull back at the last minute.

So Dan decided he was going to have to be the brave one here, and as they approached what Phil said was their primary destination, a large something at the far end of the park from where the two had entered, Dan took the initiative to grasp Phil’s hand in his the next time their fingers brushed, and twined them together.

Phil was cold, impossibly so. He wasn’t what Dan had been expecting, not exactly, but as Phil let out a low, pleased grumble, seemingly instinctively in reaction to Dan’s touch, Dan realized that he didn’t care. He quite liked the way Phil’s long fingers felt against his, the fact that Dan’s palm was clearly just a size bigger, and that Phil’s cool touch matched Dan’s warm one.

He offered the alpha a smile as they continued to walk, and enjoyed the way Phil smiled goofily back at him.

“Okay, so I know it’s nothing special, but uh - here we are!” Phil announced as the two finally approached the shiny object Phil had pointed out to Dan some time ago. Finally turning to properly take it in, and no longer too busy staring at the side of Phil’s face while his own heart raced at the feeling of their fingers being pressed together, Dan felt himself begin to grin all over again.

Phil had brought them to a little gazebo Dan hadn’t even known existed, all lit up with fairy lights and gorgeous in its beauty. It was white, with wicker sides and a solid roof that would surely keep out the weather. Up the small steps where Dan and Phil now stood was a little landing with a long, swinging loveseat, creaking lightly in the cold night air.

There were fairy lights on the inside too, lighting the whole place up in a bright, romantic glow that made Dan’s heart sing.

“How do you know about this place?” Dan asked, already moving towards the gazebo and dragging Phil along with him by his grap on his hands. His foot shook a little as he tentatively placed his weight on the first step, but the gazebo didn’t so much as creak in response, and Dan grinned as he gained the confidence to move up the rest of the steps. For all the time’s he’d been to this exact park, Dan had never actually seen this gazebo before. “Is it new?”

Phil chuckled at Dan’s clear excitement, and followed behind him eagerly enough.

“It’s not new. It’s actually been here for a while, but it was recently renovated. You probably never noticed it before because it used to be a really dull grey color, and it didn’t have the fairy lights,” Phil explained as Dan ran his hands over the silken wood, mesmerized by how beautiful the place looked.

Tugging on Phil’s hand again, Dan moved to settle down on the love seat, and grinned as Phil nervously joined him. Their fingers slipped from each other, but Dan didn’t mind. Phil’s thigh was pressed up against his, their shoulders touching, and Dan’s heart was racing in his chest.

He wished that Phil would reach up and properly wind his arm over Dan’s shoulders, but one quick glance at Phil’s face showed Dan just how nervous the alpha actually was just then. It was pretty comical to Dan, because Phil usually seemed so confident over text, easily swapping from conversation to conversation before any single one could peter out and leave the two with no more excuses to speak.

He’d even so easily flirted with Dan a few times, and yet here they were, in person, on their first date, and Phil’s cheeks were tinted a bright pink. He seemed too afraid to reach out and touch Dan the way he wanted too, and maybe it should have come as no surprise to Dan, and yet it did.

He went to reach for Phil’s hands again, only for Phil to interrupt the movement and start speaking.

“I, uhm. I’m really glad you said yes to a date tonight,” he started, looking nervous all over again as he avoided Dan’s gaze.

They’d spoken so easily on their walk over here. Why was Phil all of a sudden so nervous now?

“Me too. I’ve had a good night,” Dan agreed easily enough, trying to smile at Phil and calm him down, but Phil merely shook his head at Dan.

“No - I mean, yes, me too. I just. The gazebo isn’t the only thing I wanted to show you tonight, and it kind of really had to be tonight, so I’m really glad you weren’t busy or anything,” Phil explained, fingers tangling together awkwardly in his lap as he glanced up and out at the night sky like he was waiting for something. “What I was really hoping for was to share something else with you,” he added, and sighed as he finally looked back at Dan.

“I didn’t want to just take you out to dinner like anyone else might have. I wanted to do something special. So… well, just wait,” Phil trailed off, and offered Dan a gentle smile, “And look.”

Suddenly, Phil was pointing out at the night sky, and Dan turned his head just in time for something loud and bright to explode into the night sky. A huge explosion of red and orange and blue appeared against the dark backtrack, alerting Dan to the sudden Fireworks display as it rather abruptly started from the other side of the park.

Dan gasped at the display, and then suddenly, it seemed like the entire park was being lit up in a show he hadn’t known was coming. Blue’s and red’s, pink’s and orange’s, green’s and purple’s were suddenly lighting up the night sky with no end in sight while Dan stared on in obvious glee. He couldn’t stop grinning, watching as firework after firework went off, even the sound not enough to bother Dan, and he reached for Phil’s leg only to grasp onto it tightly as he leaned forward to stare.

“Holy shit,” he muttered at the same time as Phil’s arm very carefully and very casually found it’s place around his shoulders. Finally.

Phil laughed at the words.

“Does that mean it was a good surprise?”

Dan’s eyes were glued to the fireworks.

“Definitely,” he agreed.

 They ended up watching the show together in absolute silence, Phil’s arm a comforting weight on Dan’s shoulder as he held him close. Dan kept his hand solidly on Phil’s thigh, enjoying the way it seemed to tremble under his hold, but also the fact that it kept him steady as he stared into the night sky. The colors were just so brilliant, and Dan so rarely got to see a show like this, unwilling to go alone.

He’d never had someone to take with him before, so for Phil to take him… well, it was the perfect gift, and Phil hadn’t even known.

From time to time, Dan snuck looks at Phil out of the corner of his eye, fascinated by the brilliant, happy little smile that had seemed to replace his nerves since they’d first sat down. He’d completely lit up since the fireworks display had begun, and it was absolutely brilliant to watch.

It didn’t help that Dan was completely and utterly enamoured with the man already, but the way bright blues and greens and pinks flashed across his face as the show went on only made Dan want him more. Phil was just so beautiful that it was impossible not to keep sneaking looks.

Phil giggled the few times he caught Dan, but Dan didn’t mind because it meant that Phil was sneaking looks at him too. A few times, they even caught each other’s gaze and held it there, unashamed of the way they smiled at each other with giddy looks on their faces.

By the time the show had ended, Dan felt perfectly content, chuckling to himself and almost unwilling to look away from where the fireworks had been only moments before. Eventually, however, he had to, if only to share his glee with Phil.

The little swing they were on was swaying, something Dan hadn’t noticed before now, and he settled back against the seat, Phil’s arm following with him.

Dan finally moved his hand from Phil’s thigh to rest it on his own instead, slightly embarrassed by the proximity with with he’d nearly touched something far more intimate. Even just Phil’s inner thigh felt like a place Dan was not meant to touch so early on in their courtship.

“That was amazing,” he admitted. “How did you know…?” Dan asked Phil, trailing off as he nodded in the direction of where the fireworks had come from. After all, Dan had had no idea any kind of festival was going on.

“My co-workers were talking about. Said he wanted to take his wife to see the fireworks show. London decided to have the summer festival early this year, and I figured, if Dan texts me maybe I could… invite him?”

Phil’s voice sounded so unsure as he explained, his smile a little shy, now, and his hair dipping to hide his brilliant blue eyes. Dan wished he wouldn’t do so, and ended up reaching up to push Phil’s fringe out of his face, if only to see his expression more clearly and make it clear to Phil that Dan wanted to see all of him.

The motion made his heart speed up, especially with the way Phil looked at him right after. He licked his lips, and pulled his hand away.

“And this place?” Dan asked. “How did you know we’d be able to see it from here?”

At this question, Phil really did blush and duck his face, covering his mouth as he laughed at himself. Confused, Dan could only stare, a little nervous, though he didn’t move away.

He quite liked the way Phil was holding him, after all, not to mention the way their thighs pressed so neatly together.

“Well… see, I usually watch the fireworks alone,” Phil admitted after a minute, turning an embarrassed expression back to Dan. “I - I don’t really like crowds, you see, so I kind of just… found this place on my own,” he added. “I used to stand in front of it when it was really run down, but they just re-did it this year and I was really looking forward to being able to sit under it for once. I’m, uhm. Glad I could share it with you.”

Phil lowered his gaze, until he was looking up at Dan from under dark lashes, the small, familiar, confident smirk he’d worn at Louise’s birthday party finally starting to lift the corners of his mouth again as he seemed to begin to posture. The sight was an attractive one, something that caused desire to broil in Dan’s belly. It wasn’t arousal, no. It was want, but not of the physical kind; the emotional kind.

Phil was well and truly winning Dan’s attention, now.

He couldn’t keep his eyes off the alpha as he scented the air a little in front of them, arching his body in a distinct way to show himself off, chest puffed out slightly. Pheromones were starting to fill the air as Phil tried to make himself appear as desirable as possible, all while Dan watched on and felt his own body began to react of it’s own accord.

If it weren’t for his scent blocking soaps… Dan was certain Phil would know he was an omega by now.

As it was, Dan was preening a little, neck arched slightly in submission as he accepted Phil’s vague advances and flirting. It wasn’t submissive enough to give away that Dan was an omega specifically, but submissive enough to show Phil his interest.

“Not bad for a first gift, right?” Phil asked, as it became clear to both of them that Dan was beginning to accept him. His posturing evened out, and he relaxed, beaming as he stared at Dan, arm tightening around his shoulders.

Dan snorted, and rolled his eyes, but leaned in close to Phil anyway.

“Definitely not bad,” he said again, just managing to keep himself from laying his head on Phil’s shoulder. “But I don’t know how you plan to top it next time.”

Phil laughed then, the sound light and airy as it carried through the night air, exuberant. Dan could practically feel it rumble from his chest, and there was a breathless edge to it that made Dan’s stomach curl in the best of ways.

“Neither do I, but I’m hoping you’ll accept it anyway.”

Dan had a feeling he would.

(Next)

[such-a-common-girl]

“I Don’t Get Jealous”  Lucifer x Reader

Word Count: 1,754

Lucifer x Reader

Request from Anon: Jealous Lucifer x reader please! Maybe where reader helps another Angel groom their wings and doesn't understand how intimate it is or why Lucifer is so jealous.

Warnings: Swearing, fluff, angst

A/N: omg I’ve never wrote Lucifer before, I hope you like this, I was very nervous to write it lol. also i prefer mark pellegrino as lucifer better so i’m gonna use him for the gifs

Being in a relationship was hard.

Being a human in a relationship with an angel, let alone Lucifer himself, was even harder.

When you and Lucifer had met, you knew who he was, what he was. You’d been helping Sam and Dean hunt him down for god’s sake. You hated him to his gut, and wanted him back into the cage. That certainly didn’t change when you had first met.

He had taken you captive to hold you as bait for Sam and Dean, as you were their cousin and he knew that they would do anything for you. He kept you locked away in a room and only visited a few times a day when he would be giving you food. Those few times a day turned into several times a day, and the two of you started having meaningful conversations. You realized that he wasn’t as bad as everyone made him out to be- he just wanted to be loved by his dad, and he was honestly just hurt by the situation.

Lucifer eventually let you out of captivity, but you didn’t want to leave. You chose to stay there with him, much to Sam and Dean’s liking. But you couldn’t leave Lucifer. You felt like you had a connection with him, like you understood each other unlike anybody else.

Lucifer felt the same about you. When he had first taken you, he didn’t see you as anything but a piece of meat. You were beautiful, but you were nothing. Just a way to get Sam and Dean crawling into his lair so he could kill them, and then you. But once he started talking to you, he grew a liking towards you. He started to feel like he could trust you, which was something huge with him. He didn’t trust anybody. Eventually, when he realized that maybe his hiding place was too far out of reach for the boys, he decided he was going to let you go. He was genuinely sad once he realized that this woman that he had grown to like was leaving him, but that was immediately gone once you told him that you were staying.

But this was all a while ago. Since then, you two had grown into being in a relationship. Lucifer was quite a proud boyfriend, despite all the shit that was being talked on him for dating a human. He didn’t care- he’d killed anyone who he heard talking about it. That made everyone shut up quickly.

“Y/N, babe, come here.” Lucifer called out to you. You walked over to him, sitting on his lap as he looked up at you.

“Yes?” You asked.

“I love you. Don’t ever leave me.” He kissed you, you immediately kissing back. For being an angel, he certainly knew how to kiss. Amongst other things.

“You know I couldn’t.” You say. This was for many reasons, the most prominent being that he would probably literally never let you leave him. Even if you had left him, he would never let you date another guy. He would probably kill any other guy that even got near you. Lucifer is a very jealous man. You don’t mind though, not really. You had no plans of ever leaving him. Despite being the actual devil, he was the sweetest guy to you, and treated you very well. He was the best boyfriend you’d ever had. And a part of you loved that you’re the only person that he acts like this with.

“I’ve got to go out today, unfortunately.” He sighed. “You should come with me.”

“I’ve got school.” You frowned. You were a senior in college, graduating soon.

“Skip it.” He starts kissing your neck, bringing you in closer to him.

“I can’t, you know that. I have midterms next week.” You try to not let him effect you, but the quivering in your voice lets him know that he is.

“Skip that, too. I want to spend time with you. You’re always doing school or working.” He frowns.

“Fine, I’ll skip today, but next week I have got to go.” You give in.

“Good.” He kisses you before lifting you off of him, setting you on the floor.

“Where are we going, anyways?” You slide your shoes on.

“I’ve just got some personal business to take care of, nothing to worry about.” He puts his arms around you before transporting the both of you to the outside of a tall business building in New York City. You glance around, and no one seems to notice two people randomly appearing in the middle of the sidewalk.

“Nice change of scenery from where we were before.” You laugh. The two of you had been hiding out in some small town in Washington before, staying low. He didn’t want to be caught and you wanted to be able to attend college. It was a win-win situation.

“I thought you might like it.” He smiles at you. “I’ll only be a few hours. Have fun.” He kisses your forehead before walking inside of the building. You sigh, looking around at places to go. There are so many opportunities in New York.

You decide to just walk down the street and see what you find. You chose to get some pizza, walking into the shop. Your slice is huge and greasy, but it’s perfect.

You’re sitting at the windowsill eating when you see a familiar face walk past. It was Abraham, an angel that you used to talk to all the time before you settled down with Lucifer. You used to work with him on cases and he was close to what you would consider your best friend, well as friendly as an angel could get. But after you got with Lucifer, the two of you hadn’t spoken.

“Abraham!” You called out, running down the street. He stopped slowly, turning around and giving you a quizzical look.

“I thought you died.” He looks shocked.

“I am very much alive.” You smile, hugging him. He goes stiff at your touch, and you pull away, forgetting that he’s not very good with human contact.

“I see. Well, I have to go.” He looks nervous and desperate to get away from you.

“What?” You frown.

“Lucifer will not be happy to see you with me.”

“Well he can deal with it. I haven’t seen you in what feels like years.”

“I do not want to get you in trouble with him.” He looks like he’s trying to be careful with his words.

“I’ll be okay.” You smile, happy to see your friend again, even if he looks terrified to see you.

“I cannot take us anywhere right now, my wings need groomed so they are not working well at the moment. Only short distances. I have not had the time to groom them yet.” He blushes, looking down at the ground.

“Do you need help? I’ve done it before with Lucifer, I know how.” You suggest, trying to be helpful.

“I do not think that is a good idea, but thank you for the offer.”

“Oh, shut up, Abraham.” You roll your eyes. “Do you have a hotel room here or somewhere I can help you?”

All of the sudden you’re inside of a room, presumably an apartment from the looks of it.

“Why do you have an apartment? I thought you lived inside of Heaven.” You ask.

“I have been spending more time down here lately. I enjoy it here.”

“Took you long enough.” You smile at him.

He spreads his wings out, making you take a step back. You hadn’t ever seen his wings before, but they looked really cool. A little messy, but it was a cool sight to see.

You hesitantly walked towards him and started running your fingers through his wings, Abraham instantly relaxing at your touch. You begin to fix the feathers, making them look nice. You take your time, losing yourself in thought before the door swings open.

“What the fuck, Y/N?” Lucifer growls, walking angrily towards you. Abraham puts his wings away almost immediately and looks terrified.

“Who the fuck are you?” Lucifer spits at him. For a moment, you thought he was going to kill him.

“Abraham.” He looked guilty.

“Abraham, hm? Here’s your first and only warning. The next time I ever see you near my girl, I will rip your throat out.”

Thankfully, when Abraham didn’t say anything, Lucifer just grabbed your hand and rushed you out the door. You really did think he was going to kill him.

“What the hell was that?” You asked him as he dragged you outside. He doesn’t respond, just grabs onto you tighter, and then all the sudden you two were back inside your house in Washington.

“Do you love him, Y/N?” Lucifer asks you. You can’t tell what his emotions are. It looks like a mixture of hurt, jealously, and anger all mixed in one.

“No, you know I only love you.”

“I don’t know if I believe you.”

“It’s not like we were having sex, Lucifer! He mentioned that his wings needed grooming and I told him I could do it. I don’t know what the big deal is.” You scoff. He is being ridiculous.

“Y/N.” His jaw line clenches. “Do you realize how… intimate that is?”

“Obviously not.”

“Let’s put it this way- you’re the only person I have ever let touch my wings, let alone groom them.”

“I don’t get it.” You were still confused.

“Wing grooming, it’s… Well, it’s sex. It’s a very, very personal encounter.”

“Oh.” You stayed quiet. “I didn’t know.”

“I know, baby. I know.” He pulls you into him.

“So that’s why you were so jealous?” You look up at him.

“Please,” He scoffs. “I don’t get jealous.”

“Keep telling yourself that, babe.”

“I don’t need to, because I don’t.”

“So, if I were to go find Castiel and groom his wings you’d-“

“Don’t talk about that.” He is getting angry again. You laugh and scoot your body as close to him as possible. He tenses up but eases once he realized you were kidding.

“Told you that you get jealous.”

[tiredcommunisstt]

1. Whats the real reason i’m confused right now? 

uhm theres a lot of things that are confusing me like basically what the fuck is going on with my life and why i can’t leave or lose feelings for my abuser who just so happens to be my boyfriend.

2. Do i ever get good morning texts?

lol no

3. If your significant other smoked pot would you care?

it'd honestly be preferable 

4. Do you find it easy to trust others?

absolutely. until they give me reasonable cause not to, in that case, i may never trust them again. 

5. what were you doing at 11pm last night?

falling asleep w my headphones in

6. You're drunk and lost walking down a road, who is with you?

probably @shez-a-goner

7. What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on?

welp. funny you should ask. theres not much you can do except exist in a permanently soul-shattered state. 

8. are you close with your dad?

no. i don’t know my real dad whatsoever and my adoptive dad and me never talk.

9. I bet you kissed someone last night, right?

yes

10. What are you listening to?

currently, the sound of alex flushing the toilet.

11. You can only drink one liquid for the rest of your life- what is it?

Uhm? what the fuck else would it be? water obviously

12. do you like hickeys?

the idea, yes. i don't like getting them, they kinda hurt.

13. what time do you go to bed?

mainly before midnight. like around 11 ish.

14. is there someone who constantly lets you down?

yes

15. can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both?

no

16. do you always answer texts?

no

17. Do the hate the person you fell the hardest for? 

its complicated

18. when was the last time you talked to your best friends?

last night

19. is there someone that make you happy everytime you see them? 

yes @shez-a-goner

20. what was the last thought you had before you went to bed last night?

i fucking love xanax

21. is anyone else in the room with you?

my boyfriend

22. do you believe what goes around comes around?

yeah

23. where you happier four months ago than you are now?

nah it was winter dude. i don't fucks with winter.

24. is there someone you wish you could fix things with?

no

25. in the past week have you cried?

yeah

26. what color is the shirt you're wearing?

blue

27. do people ever call you by your last name?

no and they better not i hate that shit.

28. is anyone ignoring you right now?

probably god.

29. do you have a best friend?

yes

30. would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed?

yes. I've imagined him kissing her a billion trillion times in my head though so its whatever.

31. who was your last call from?

my probation officer

32. are you mad at anyone?

always and forever

33. have you ever kissed someone older than you?

yeah

34. how old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday?

21 

35. how many more days till your birthday? idk. its on october 29th.

36. do you have summer plans yet?

no

37. do you have any good friends of the opposite sex?

yeah

38. are you keeping anything from your best friend now?

no

39. do you have a secret you've never told anyone?

yeah

40. have you ever regretted kissing someone?

yeah

41. do you think age matters in relationships? 

yes and no, if its some predator shit then yes. if you're both other than like 20 and you have a few years between you it doesn't matter at all.

42. are you available?

for what

43. how many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? 

one

44. if you had to get a piercing(not ears) what would you get?

nose or belly button

45. do you believe exes can be friends?

depends

46. do you regret anything?

of course. 

47. honestly whats on your mind right now?

everything. I'm overwhelmed with my life right now and i wish i could just run away.

48. did you ever lose a best friend?

yeah

49. was your last kiss a mistake?

not really.

50. why arent you pursuing the person you like?

they're taken 

51. has the person you last kissed ever seen you cry? 

considering the fact that they're primarily the reason i cry, yes

52. do you still talk to the person you last kissed?

duh, i live with them

54. what was the last thing you ate?

the CARS movie shaped mac and cheese

55. where are you going on your next vacation?

hell.

56. do you own anything from other countries?

most likely.

57. are most of your friends girls or guys?

girls

58. where have you lived most of your life?

the state of despair.hahahah uh, michigan

59. when was the last time you took a long drive?

considering the fact that alex fucking just randomly drives around forever and ever, probs recently. 

60. have you ever played spin the bottle?

yeah. at a bonfire and in ninth grade at the end of the year school picnic.

61. have you ever TP’d someones house?

uhm no but i had this huge crush on a girl when i was like 13. and my friends preston, cara, and i snuck out of their house at night and walked over to her house and poured cans of peaches and cream of mushroom soup all over her parents cars because she didn't like me back. #wild

62. who do you text the most?

alex and vickii

63. what was the last movie you saw?

bad santa 2

64. whats preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?

HAAAAA. the fact that he cheated on her(with me....even though technically me and him were dating first) AND SHE HATES HIS FUCKING gUts. he broke her fuckin heart i highly doubt she ever wants to see his faggot face ever again.

65. how many bf/gfs did you have in 2010?

none lmao i was like 12.

66. is the last person you kissed younger than you?

HE ACTS IT. (but no)

67. do you curse around your parents?

fuck no.

68. are you happy with where you live?

no

69. pic of myself? 

no

70. are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open ended relationships?

hum if we're fucking dating i better be the only fucking one bitch

71, have you ever been dumped?

no

72. what do you like the most about making out?

I've never really....made out.. with someone. to me its more intimate than like sex itself. and I'm really uncomfortable. i don't know how to kiss. if i ever make out with someone ill probably have to ask them to marry me because to me thats a Big Deal. 

73. have you ever casually made out with someone?

no bitch

74. when you kiss someone for the first time is it you who initiates it?

id rather die than make the first move

75. what part of a person body do you find the most attractive?

eyes. but i also like the underside of peoples wrists,,,like where their veins are. 

76. who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed?

alex

77. had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? 

yes. for drugs lol.

78. had sex with someone you didn't know their name?

uhm at the time i knew his name but I've forgotten it so when i go through my body count i just refer to him as john 

79. what makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?

i once had a big ass crush on this girl i used to work with at kroger and i always wanted to be her bagger cuz everything she did had me like motherfucking heart eyes lmao. 

80. would you get involved w someone who had a child already?

thats a question i do not know the answer to.

81. has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?

no one has ever had a crush on me.

82. do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?

literally like everyone EXCEPT for that person. when i have a crush on someone I'm like completely obsessed and wanna shout it from the mountains.

83. do you miss your last sweetie?

i miss Kroger cashier girl lol kinda i haven't had too many crushes. also this girl i was crushing on, but she like low-key doesn't like me and had a girlfriend the whole time lol

84. last time you slow danced with someone? 

probs prom 2015

85. have you ever dated someone you've never met?

no. thats fuckin Stupit

86. how can i win your heart?

uhmmmmmmmmm idk. i fall in love with people who make me laugh and people who are completely unavailable. so just make sure theres absolutely no way for us to ever come together and ill probably get down on one knee for the fuck of it. i love a good never-ending chase.

87. whats your sign?

S C O R P I O. and yes. i love being a scorpio. 

88. What were you doing last night at 12 am?

sleeping. 

89. do you cook?

not to brag but fuck yeah. i ran the kitchen at a small family restaurant called the yum yum tree. one thing I'm definitely great at.

90. have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than three months of no communication?

no

91. if you're single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?

switch that question around and it would be a yes. 

92. do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?

i want the real deal and nothing less. i don't like to play around with peoples feelings. 

93. what physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?

idk. i don't have a type. if all the things you have on your body come together in a cute way, you're cute, and i think you're cute, and thats that 

94. name four things you wish you had:

love

stability

happiness

my dream body

95. are you a player? 

no

96. have you ever kissed two people in one day?

yes

97. are you a tease?

yeah. i like to send nudes and shit to guys and then never respond to them after they compliment me:)

98. ever meet anyone you met on tumblr?

no

99. have you ever been deeply in love with someone?

i don't know. at this point in my life i don't think i really grasp what love is. its always me having strong feelings for someone and never having it returned....isnt that just infatuation?

100. anyone on tumblr you'd go on a date with?

theres like a billion people on this site I'm sure theres someone id go on a date with

101. hugs or kisses.

depends

102. are you too shy to ask someone out?

id rather die than ask someone out

103. the first thing i notice about the opposite sex?

probably their hair, facial features

104. is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?

yeah

105. if a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew she/he was in a relationship, would you go for it?

fuck off. 

106. do you flirt a lot?

like never

107. your last kiss?

like twenty mins ago

108. have you kissed more than five people since the start of 2011?

maybe close but maybe not. idk

109. have you kissed anyone in the past month?

uh yeah. whats with the intense interest in kissing?

110. if you could kiss anyone who would it be?

a girl

111. do you know who you'll kiss next? 

i have an idea..

112. does someone like you currently.

well I'm in a relationship buttttttt i....doubt....it

113. do you currently have feelings for someone?

yes

[lokgifsandmusings]

Definitive Ranking of Book 4 Episodes, #3/13

3. 4x10 Operation Beifong

Toph’s mothering skills wow everyone. Zhu Li is the world’s worst saboteur. All the tropes get busted. The spirits give no shits about anything.

Okay. If you’ve been following these definitive rankings, you know that I have one main issue with Book 4: while Kuvira worked very well as a foil for Korra, and a way to externalize Korra’s *internal* struggle, Kuvira in her own right is a little less successful, since everything is framed as being about the Beifongs for her, and that thread gets effectively drop-kicked.

For that reason, I objectively know that “Operation Beifong” is an issue with the whole of Book 4 considered. It’s essentially the culmination of the Kuvira/Suyin tension (which I’d argue is far more important and central than her relationship to Baatar), and the rationale for why she didn’t get her ass kicked by Toph at the end of the episode was more or less, “the script said not to.” I mean “leave it to the kids.” 

See, it had to be reserved in its climax because Kuvira’s downfall had to be saved for Korra. Which is fine; protagonists should be considered first and foremost when writing antagonists. But it also meant that the high-high-high emotional and personal stakes of this episode for the characters were always set to fizzle. In fact, the only tension that paid-off here was Lin working through her fractured relationship with her mother, and even that just ended on the note of Toph saying “maybe if you don’t hate me it’s fine.” Sadly for our unsung hero, that’s the happiest resolution she’s ever going to get.

Oh wait, Bopal forgave each other too. And you can make the argument that this was the climax of Bolin’s maturation arc: we saw him rise to the occasion in 4x07 and take charge in a way he hadn’t before, but his decision to save Zhu Li at great self-risk fully demonstrated his moral fiber. I personally think that he already exhibited these traits, he’s just a bit easily led (giving people apples = helping them...just don’t look to the right or left or ask the deeper questions), but fine.

I guess my real frustration is for Suyin and Kuvira’s characters here, who you could easily view as the primary “actors” of this episode’s A-plot, especially given the number of scenes throughout the season we were given to set up this tension. Suyin gets practically no resolution of any sort from this episode, or frankly this season. She escapes imprisonment, sure, but what it boils down to is that she fights Kuvira and quasi-loses, then flees, only for her moments in the finale to be focused on forgiving Baatar and destroying the spirit gun. Sure, she played her part in taking down Mega Maid and was the one who led Kuvira off with that super-memorable-and-not-at-all-just-a-never-replaced-placeholder line, but I fundamentally don’t understand why so much emphasis was placed on her and her point-of-view in this conflict. And it’s one thing if it’s Suyin telling Korra a backstory to set-up the final conversation, sure. It’s just....consider how many scenes we have to explain away that have *nothing* to do with Korra’s arc, including the entirety of this episode.

I guess it kind of reminds me of the Winterhell plotline in GoT Season 5, where it’s an uphill battle to argue that Sansa was the protagonist because Ramsay had 5 or 6 scenes dedicated to his fraught relationship to his dad. In this case, it’s not that Korra ever stopped feeling like the protagonist. It’s just that if we’re going to have so many non-Korra (and frankly non-Krew) characters cannibalizing our screen-time, can we at least give them a complete story?

I know I’ve talked about how it’s a problem before given Kuvira’s arc, but yeah, it’s a problem for Suyin too. It’s honestly a problem for the entire Beifong clan, since other than Suyin and Baatar’s weird “we’ll get through it” scene, the strife that had consumed their family wasn’t really given any kind of space tp land. They’ll get through it. Nifty.

In my brain, I know that this is a shortcoming of Book 4. It’s one of the primary reasons I feel this season needed a draft #2 (I suspect Bryke would have preferred a longer time-line and a heads up about resources as well). And yet... I love this episode. I LOVE this episode.

No you don’t understand: every minute, every aspect of this episode, I love.

Well, I feel rather tepid about the B-plot actually, so let’s knock that off first. It’s just the planning for an inevitable Kuvira invasion in Republic City. Varrick introduces Asami’s hummingbird suit and I have to assume does all the talking because of the voice actors involved (you *use* John Michael Higgins when you have him, and I’m wondering if Gabriel was limited to a set number of episodes). I liked the instantly photoshoppable blueprints that were held up, but remember thinking how ridiculous this biomimicry was given how completely energy inefficient hummingbirds are. I try to at least make sense of it as a suitable countermeasure to Kuvira’s spirit cannon in my newest fic, though.

(x)

Wu suggests evacuating the entire city in case Kuvira attacks. I guess in fairness they didn’t know the two-week timeline of the planned invasion, so it’d seem feasible to be able to craft that strategy, but you’d think fortifying the borders (with the help of Izumi’s troops, like she promised) would have taken priority. Personally I’d be doing everything I could to keep the fight out of my country’s population center. But it was a simplistic idea to show that Wu was actually concerning himself with the safety of others, and that Mako is an easy-to-impress boyfriend.

Finally, Korra decides she’s going to enlist the help of the spirits to defend the city, and they tell her to fuck right off because even though Kuvira is using vines to her own ends, helping the other side would be just as bad, or something. In other words, the spirits continue to be butts, and the entire thing went a little like this:

At the time this aired, I actually thought this was going to set-up a moment like the trees arriving at Helm’s Deep, but no. The spirits really didn’t want to be involved. Sucks to be human.

Like, all of this was fine. I can nitpick military decisions and engineering details, but it was fine.

It just was heavily overshadowed by the most wonderful, complicated familial dynamics.

The shining star was Lin and Toph, as it should have been. For Lin to be in a place where she’s risking her job (again) to save Suyin and is going to these extreme lengths given where they had started a few years before is nothing but touching, especially given how Suyin is more or less living the idyllic life (her rich-ass mom bought her a city to run, she’s got a loving husband and a bunch of kids, etc.) and Lin is still, ya know...

But her relationship with Toph...just murder me.

Every dang conversation they have with each other is more painful than the last. It’s made so clear how much Lin truly loves and respects Toph, and is just desperate for her approval in some ways, but there’s been so much hurt in how Toph brushed off her feelings over the years and is unwilling to actually state her own (you know you’re an INTP when...), that Lin can’t help but be closed off and sardonic. Then you’ve got Bolin picking at the baby daddy wound, Toph just randomly volunteering the information, and...

Toph: Lin, I can feel your enraged breathing from here. Just say what you have to say and let's get it over with.

Lin: Just get it over with? Yeah, let's not linger on the fact that I grew up without a dad. No need to get all touchy-feely about it. Just one of those things, right?

I have to imagine this was Toph’s general approach to parenting, and gods, Mindy Sterling SELLS the hell out of how deeply Lin feels things but how unable she truly is to express herself. As a brief side-note, I do have to imagine that Lin the detective *did* figure out who her dad was, since she doesn’t react to that information itself, but more to why the fuck Toph is willing to talk to Bolin of all people when it was kept from her previously.

Toph: Hey, I forgave you for all your garbage a long time ago and Su and I worked things out. You're the only one who wants to hold on to this family drama nonsense for the rest of your life.

Lin: Forgave me for what?! And not knowing my dad is nonsense to you? It was pretty important to me. And until now, you would never even discuss it.

Seriously, forgive her for what? Toph, again, just wants to avoid and evade the whole “feelings” piece of this. But keeping in mind that it’s been like TWO DECADES since they’ve talked, for Lin to be able to spit this all out and call her mom out on her dismissiveness is huge. HUGE.

Lin: You know, after Su and I patched things up, I thought, "maybe I should try to reach out to mom." But now that we're together again, I remember why we stopped talking. You make me furious and you don't even know why. And when I tell you, you don't care. Once we save Su, you and I are finished.

Toph: If that's your decision and it makes you happy, then fine.

Treat yourself and listen to the voice acting, because the way Philece Sampler does this little inhale and the break in her voice when she says Toph’s line is tragic, simply tragic.

Toph. Just tell your daughter you fucking love her and you care. You obviously care; you’ve been creeping on her in the swamp for years. And Lin just putting it all these raw emotions out there.

I know I’m gushing, but this is so fractured and so beautiful and if they could just flippin’ COMMUNICATE we can *see* how they care about each other underneath. It’s not a witchy-Repunzelesque mother situation or anything about escaping toxicity, but more a mother and daughter with a Shakespearean flaw that prevents them from having a happy relationship, at great personal cost.

And yeah, somehow Lin finds it in herself to apologize for snapping, and Toph just ends on the whole “if you don’t fully hate me, I’ll take it” note. In one episode we watched 20 years of hurt acted out, and it never felt forced or even a little dumbed down for the Y7 audience as like, Asami saying that she “should” try to forgive the dude that wanted to murder her sort of did (frankly that Hiroshi dialogue was all a little wonky if I really want to nitpick).

The second most important relationship in this episode was, of course, Suyin vs. Kuvira. What’s interesting is that the decision to engage with Kuvira instead of sneak away wasn’t made until after Bolin and Opal decided to go after Zhu Li, so it was a little passive on Suyin’s part, but once that fight started, nothing else mattered. Not a single word was uttered and yet you could *feel* how charged and fraught it was. Which yeah, maybe it’s reading a little too much into subtext, but there is something THERE, damnit.

However, the way Suyin’s entire family operated was just delightful. I love that Huan and Baatar Sr. were never expected to fight, and never shamed for it, and Suyin’s shrug to Lin when Baatar Sr. clung to the side of their cage in terror was just perfect. Yeah, they don’t conform to traditional gender roles, and it goes with no more comment than that shrug. Then Wing's “We can’t let Opal be the coolest!” was hilarious, and just felt...real. The Beifongs feel real, and I think that’s one of the things I appreciate the most about them. Dysfunctional, led by a hypocrite, fractured at the moment, but real. Though full disclosure: I’ve been known to call them “aspirational” in the past, if that’s any indication on why such dynamics appeal to me.

It’s worth noting that Baatar Jr. cleared the lowest possible bar possible in not wanting to murder his sister with his cannon. But fuck Zhu Li; she doesn’t even get a re-education camp. I don’t get Baatar Jr. apology (and I *especially* don’t get Kuvira apology), though given where he ends up (regretting his actions) we could have stood to see just a bit more of his reaction to the ensuing fight between his ENTIRE FAMILY INCLUDING HIS GRANDMA and his fiancé.

I should say the Zhu Li saboteur thread didn’t work super well, mostly because you’d think such a cold, heartless war machine could have thought up a better way to actually make the thing malfunction. Or just not have kept the missing pin on her body. Maybe she want to the Galen Erso School of Engineering Sabotage. But the reveal that she was purposely messing things up (and Bolin’s happy face) was lovely. Her devotion to Varrick is certainly not free of problems, but knowing she wasn’t on-board with fascism and actually jumped at the opportunity to undermine the campaign in a big way? I’ll take it, happily.

I’ll also ignore the possible implication that she only did it to save Varrick from more of Kuvira’s wrath, knowing how he’d operate on his own. Anti-fascist Zhu Li is the only Zhu Li. That’s the 2017 hero we need.

That finally leaves us with the Bopal plotline. I cannot believe the amount of hate that Opal got as this season was airing, but I have to think that on rewatches, especially in this cultural context, her point-of-view seemed a lot more reasonable, as well as her frustrations with Bolin. Yeah, her anger towards Kuvira at the very, very start of the season could be framed as a bit OTT and likely the result of loyalty to her mother (who wasn’t exactly the model of reason then), but after that... like, no! We *know* she’s seen prison camps, we *know* she’s learned about dissenters being dragged off, and when her entire family was captured (and to her own admission quite possibly being tortured or already having been murdered), her boyfriend came back and said he was responsible for it (oh Bolin and your logorrhea), but just wanted to pick up exactly where they were right away. And this was after he outright ignored her in Zaofu when she clearly lay out what was happening. Who the hell wouldn’t be pissed?

Frankly, Bolin should have been suggesting how they could save her family, so when she suggested that he should come with her to fix things, it’s...reasonable, even if high-risk. It would demonstrate that at the end of the day, he does have her back. I really have a hard time finding a fault in that.

I do think her line “he’s been in the polar bear doghouse long enough” was overly reductive. We can tell that the moment he was willing to get himself killed to save Zhu Li is the moment that Opal forgave him. Because it showed that his heart is always in the right place. He just sometimes needs a little coaching, and doesn’t do nuance well. If the people *he’s* seeing are happy, it’s difficult for him to think the campaign is doing something bad.

So really, I have zero problems with it. They were two young adults growing apart in a long-distance relationship, and the fact that this mission placed them decidedly on the same side and Bolin took initiative with it...yeah, it works. Their long-term is uh, well, let’s just hope they don’t find themselves in morally ambiguous situations too much.

Also I don’t want to sound like Opal is the font of wisdom and truth either. She can be bad-tempered, impatient, she can let her emotions guide her (though it never pushes into the hysterical woman trope), she can be biting and bitter and cutting when she wants; she’s a fully realized and fully fallible character. I just don’t happen to think she mistreated Bolin in any way during Book 4’s run.

The Bopal take-away, too, is important: women can assert their frustrations and that doesn’t mean their relationships will blow up. Too often we see narratives where women must stuff it, where their emotional needs are always always on a back-burner to the men that they’re with. It’s frustrating and I’ve had enough of it (I’m in a mood thanks to Supergirl lately), so this is dang refreshing. Bust ALL the tropes, Opal.

Frankly, bust ALL the tropes, Beifongs. That’s truly what makes this episode amazing. The central fight is between two women, one of whom is middle-aged and has children, while her husband and elder son (that isn’t Baatar Jr.) are guarded by her mother. There is a mother/daughter “reconciliation” that still ends with them both shoving their feelings down as far as they can go, though they at least achieved a less hostile relationship. There was the Bopal resolution, there was Zhu Li, not Varrick, taking on the role of the saboteur, and there wasn’t instantly a neat redemption for Jr. because he had one moment of human decency.

Yes, this episode was a little contrived in its existence, and it gave us a bit of a false resolution. But it was packed, exciting, and utterly transgressive, while also delivering a wallop of feels.

#13: 4x08 “Remembrances”

#12: 4x11 “Kuvira’s Gambit”

#11: 4x09 “Beyond the Wilds”

#10: 4x07 “Reunion”

#9: 4x06 The “Battle of Zaofu”

#8. 4x12 “Day of Colossus”

#7 4x01 “After All These Years”

#6 4x03 “The Coronation”

#5 4x04 “The Calling”

#4 4x05 “Enemy at the Gates”

Book 2 ranking/essays found here

[dannybangs]

hey so this is a vent post so dont read it if like you dont care l m a o

so my first gf and i are ancient history at this point but like we still keep coming into contact randomly over the years but im just having this realization

luna only comes back to talk to me when it suits her, and never really considered my feelings as a friend, let alone as an unresolved ex

she broke up with me originally in an abusive way, when my parents were on holiday and i was home alone. she was meant to come sleep over and keep me company because honestly, it was fucking lonely. instead, she went to a party to drink and have fun (without telling me), and after sending a few messages on facebook, she blocked me.

i called her number crying, but instead of her answering, it was a friend. i told them how down in the dumps i was, with no friends in my town because i went to a semi private school the next town over. while they were as supportive as they could be, they told me luna didnt want to talk to me anymore and wouldnt come to the phone, even though i could hear her laughing and having fun in the background.

i was not in a stable place at this point. i was 16, my first love was breaking up with me (and not even in the shittiest way via text, but in the absolute cowards way via blocking and ignoring me)

long story short, we broke up. messily. all i knew was that she found new friends and moved on.

years later, anonymous starts asking about past relationships, and when i start talking about luna, they latch onto that and start asking more questions.

turns out its luna, and at the time im honestly ecstatic. like, my favourite person in the world is finally talking to me again. but when i look back , luna only got back in contact with me because she had recently moved away from home, her parents were divorced, and she didnt have many, if any, friends.

eventually though, after talking for a bit on tumblr, she disappears without a word again. deletes her tumblr and i cant contact her anymore

late 2016 hits, and i get a friend request from her on facebook. she wants to play overwatch, so i add her, we play that night and get on pretty well. after that though, she’s pretty vacant. eventually, when she stops responding to invites on battle net over the next 4 months or so, i take her off battle net and set her profile on facebook to low notifications, but still friends.

mid 2017, and we get back in contact over a facebook post of hers saying she doesnt feel like she belongs in social spaces and talks about how lonely she is. we talk, i say i might be moving to her town, she seems excited and it seems like she wouldnt mind catching up.

and then no contact.

again.

keep in mind that over all these years, im honestly still kind of in love with this girl. i never really got any closure on why she broke up with me, the reasons shes given me over the years changes a lot. she wanted to experiment, she wasnt interested in me anymore, she thought i was moving when i wasnt, and eventually saying that she didnt want to burden me with her depression.

if we go by this last reason, its honestly kinda shit. i never got a choice in the matter. she made up my mind up for me, and broke my heart for me. 

lets fast forward to our last conversation. three nights ago, 6am and i havent slept for like 2 days. i straight up ask her ‘look, would you ever consider dating me in the future’

i wait a day and i get no reply. so the next night, i tell her not to worry about it and i wont bother her again.

she instantly replies, saying that shes been thinking about it, and that its a question that cant be answered until i move closer and we ‘actually hang out and get to know each other’ again

i ask her again, this time defining it as a general possibility in our future.

first message makes my heart soar. ‘i dont see why not tbh’

second message crushes me. ‘other than im a huge lesbian and i dont know what you ID (identify) as these days’

its her soft way of saying ‘i think because you present as male and prefer male pronouns, i cant let my lesbian aesthetic that ive built up to my new friends and girlfriend crumble by considering dating you’

luna always said she was pan / bi before she was transitioning (shes a trans girl and im a trans guy) but while she was questioning her gender, until she had a bad wrap with several gay guys. and i get how peoples preferences change over the years, i really do.

but it really hurts to see this girl who you grew and changed with (we both started questioning our sexuality and gender together) turn into a gold star lesbian (in my definition, this is a girl who ONLY dates women and doesnt consider he/him lesbians and similar situations)

it crushes me because ive never gotten over this girl for 4 years now, and i thought that eventually we might meet again and get to know each other again and maybe be together. but obviously thats not the case

what made me start thinking about how i was an idiot for chasing and entertaining this thought of ‘the girl who got away’ was today, when i get my letter from the district health board telling me my endocrinology appointment is in 3 weeks. and i realized how excited i am to start T and properly transition.

like, reading that letter made me realize that i was holding onto my past, as a girl, with this stranger who doesnt know me or love me anymore. why would i ever consider not transitioning just so i can be with this person.

im young as hell, in a relationship with a girl that loves me to pieces, who is just as excited as i am that im about to start transitioning and becoming the person i want to be

im excited for the future, and i cant wait to move to a new town with my girlfriend, start T, start the degree i always wanted, and forget about the past that i was hopelessly clinging to

honestly, writing this was really cathartic. i cried a lot writing this, because this is still a new pain im dealing with. but i feel a lot better now. thanks for reading guys

[voyagerafod]

Star Trek Voyager: A Fire of Devotion: Part 1 of 4: Louder Than Sirens: Chapter Four

Chapter Four

"I think it's safe to say that the new astrometrics lab is huge success," Harry Kim said, holding up a glass as he spoke. "A whole week without any bugs or problems whatsoever."

"If I were inclined to superstition," Seven of Nine said, "I would say you are tempting fate with that remark. Also, please do not hold that beverage so close to the console."

Harry shrugged, and gulped down all the liquid in the glass in one go.

“How are your PTSD treatments going?" Seven said. “We have not had the chance to speak since the incident with the Mari.”

"Well, the medication the Doctor has me taking daily makes me feel dehydrated, but the stress relief holodeck program he gave me is helping a little. I don't find myself randomly crying in the middle of the mess hall anymore."

"It's only been a few weeks Ensign Kim, give it time."

"Oh how would you know?" Harry snapped. "Like the Borg ever have to deal with post-traumatic stress."

Seven allowed her concern for her crewmate to show on her face, instead of trying to maintain a neutral expression like she did most of the time. The fact was, while she wasn't attracted to Harry the way he had been to her before, she did find that she respected him. In fact she might even one day go so far as to call him a friend.

"You are correct. While I did witness combat as a member of the Collective, I have never experienced anything quite like what you've been through."

Harry sighed.

"I'm sorry I snapped at you Seven."

"No apologies necessary. Such behavior is a common symptom of your condition based on what I’ve read. If you would prefer to continue the routine diagnostics of this lab on your own, I will not be offended."

Before Harry could reply, the door to astrometrics opened. Captain Janeway and Chakotay entered. Harry looked for somewhere to hide his glass, but failed to before it was noticed.

"Ensign Kim, are you drinking on duty?" Chakotay said. Harry opened his mouth to reply, but Seven decided to intervene.

"I can vouch that the beverage in question was non-alcoholic Commander," she said. "The medication that the Doctor has him on currently leaves him feeling dehydrated."

Chakotay didn't look like he believed her, but after sharing a look with Janeway, he abandoned the point.

"We just came by to see how the new and improved astrometrics lab was doing," Janeway said. "We haven't had much of a chance to look at it when we're not in the middle of some kind of crisis."

Seven's eyebrow raised at that. "Captain, there have been approximately three days within the past week where you could've come down here to observe its status."

Janeway nodded. "True, true. And it is entirely my own fault for not taking advantage of those opportunities. I can’t put all of it on me trying to help B’Elanna last week."

“That was a pressing issue at the time,” Seven said. “And I do not see a way in which an astrometrics lab would’ve been useful in that situation. It is also worth noting that the day we first activated the upgraded lab was the day that-” Seven stopped abruptly.

“That the whole thing with me showing up a year older and battle fatigued happened?” Harry said. “You don’t need to walk on eggshells around me Seven. I’m damaged but I’m not broken.”     “So,” Chakotay said in an obvious attempt to get the conversation back on its original track. “The new lab. Let’s see it in action.”

---

"While I'm flattered that you feel I can help with this issue, Ensign Wildman," the Doctor said, "I am a medical doctor, not a counselor. Psychological issues are not my area of expertise, and when it comes to romance, my experience is limited to one Vidiian doctor and one hologram, so I’m not sure how much help I could be there."

"I'm well aware of all of that, Doctor," Samantha said. "In fact you often like to remind everyone how you are a Doctor not a whatever. But in case you forgot, we do not have a proper counselor on board. I probably could've talked to Kes about this if she were here, but she's not. My daughter is too young, and while he's certainly gotten better about it over the years, Neelix still has issues with letting things slip, and I’d rather not have the whole crew know about this."

The Doctor titled his head and looked up slightly. "He has gotten better about that hasn't he?" he said. "In more ways than one in fact. I remember how he used to-"

"Doctor," Samantha said, her arms crossed and face stern like it was whenever she needed to chastise her daughter. "My issue, please."

       The Doctor rolled his eyes.

"Coming to me for relationship advice," he said. "That should end well. You want my thoughts on the matter? Very well.” He turned to face Samantha Wildman directly, his arms crossed now as well. “Having thought about it over the past few days since you told me, I have come to the conclusion that if you didn't want to start a relationship with Seven of Nine, you wouldn't be talking to me in the first place. You simply wish to use me to assuage your guilt over your husband, who I remind you, almost certainly believes you are dead. You would hardly be the first person with a partner or partners back home who has started a relationship on board, and unless we were to somehow stumble across a wormhole that would take us back to the Alpha Quadrant before 0100 hours tomorrow you wouldn't be the last either."

Samantha sighed, mouthed an expletive, then turned around and left sickbay.

"You're welcome," the Doctor said behind her before returning to his reports.

---

    The next day, Harry Kim and Seven of Nine were both in the astrometrics lab again, making some additional improvements to the consoles. They worked silently for the most part, only talking about the work, until Harry suddenly stopped working.

"Look, Seven, about yesterday, you didn't have to cover for me," he said. "It was synthohol in my glass. I'd still be in trouble, sure, but it's not like I'd be drunk or hungover on duty."

"Hopefully it is not something that I will need to do again," Seven said. "I don't have any particular moral objection to lying, I just find it far more pragmatic not to. I made an exception in your case out of concern."

"Concern? For me?"

"Ensign Kim, I tell you this in the strictest confidence. You are one of the very few people on this ship that I would consider not just a shipmate, but a friend. Friendship is a new concept to me, but on a ship of individuals I believe it to have its benefits. You were among the first people on this ship to treat me as more than just a drone. I have not forgotten that, and I do appreciate it."

Harry seemed shocked at what he just heard.

"Wow," he said. "I'm not sure what to say except, thank you. I-" Harry stopped when he heard the door to astrometrics open. He turned to see Samantha Wildman standing in the doorway, as if she was unsure whether or not to actually enter. Harry looked at Seven and winked, much to Seven’s confusion.

"I'll leave you two alone," he said as he headed for the door. That was the moment she realized what Harry meant by his wink, and was suddenly nervous.

"Ensign Wildman, how can I help you?" Seven said.

"Your name, before you were assimilated? It was Annika, right? Annika Hansen?"

"That is correct."

"It's a pretty name."

"I've been told that by more than one crewmember. What is the purpose of this line of questioning?" It was only once she'd finished that question that Seven noticed that Samantha was slowly getting closer, like she wanted to stand right next to her or in front of her, but was reluctant for some unknown reason.

Samantha took a deep breath.

"Seven of Nine, before I continue I need you to answer my next question as honestly as you possibly can. It's important, so I need you think long and hard about it before you answer. I don't want whatever just pops into your head, understand?"

"That should not be difficult," Seven said, her tone still level even though her heart rate had quickened considerably. Samantha had stepped closer know. Seven could tell from her Borg enhanced hearing that her heart was beating faster as well.

A metaphorical voice in the back of Seven's mind that she had heard before, a voice Tuvok had referred to as “an inner monologue,” was screaming at her now. This is it! This is what you've wanted. She wants you as much as you want her.

"What is your question," Seven said, slowly, not wanting to betray her unusual excitement.

"I've been thinking about that night, weeks ago when you touched my hand during dinner. And before that, when you were, um, looking at me when I walked away. What I want... no. What I need to know, is this purely sexual attraction, or do you have romantic feelings for me?"

Seven of Nine found herself speechless; a feeling she did not often have. Another voice in her mind started speaking now, this one much more cynical. She doesn't love you, even if she thinks she does. You're more machine than human. You're still a Borg no matter what you look like now, and she probably knew people who died at Wolf 359. Just let this go. Why do you want a relationship anyway? What does that get you? If she likes you at all it's for your breasts, or your behind, same as everyone else on this ship.

"I am not 100% certain," Seven said, slowly, deliberately choosing each word. "I have attempted... relations, on the holodeck with women from a program the Doctor suggested to me, but I was, um," Seven took a deep breath. "I was unable to perform." Seven stopped and looked down, feeling embarrassed. “I don’t know” was almost certainly not what Samantha was hoping to hear.

"Seven?" Samantha said, concern obvious in her voice. "What are trying to say? About the holograms I mean."

"They weren't you," Seven said. "I do not know where this attraction came from, I barely know you any better than anyone else on this ship, but, but..." Seven couldn't find the right words to finish her answer, so she elected to take a desperate action. She took a large step forward, put her arms around Samantha's waist, and pulled her in close.

"I apologize in advance for this very inappropriate behavior," she said quietly before closing her eyes and pressing her lips to Samantha's. Samantha Wildman seemed to resist for approximately one-half of one second, before she started to kiss back, moving her own hands to Seven's back. After nearly a full minute, Samantha finally pulled away.

"Apology accepted," she said before she started to laugh, putting one hand on the side Seven's face.

"My inner monologue is an idiot," Seven said, smiling for what she was pretty sure was the first time since she'd been a child, before she was assimilated.

Samantha's face scrunched up in confusion. "You're gonna have to explain that one to me, Annika."

"Later," Seven said. "But, for the record, I'll only let you call me that."

"Fair enough," Samantha said, as the two of them held hands and looked into each other’s eyes.

"I suppose now's as good a time as any to address the issue of how public we are with this," Seven said. "I'm not sure I'm ready for all the questions I'll inevitably get from the rest of the crew just yet, though the Doctor already knows about my attraction to you, as does Harry Kim."

Samantha's head tilted at that.

"Why would you tell Harry-"

"I didn't. Apparently in the alternate timeline, during the so-called Year of Hell, you and I began a relationship after the Krenim attacks began. According to him, I died calling out your name."

"Ah, I see. That's rather sad actually. Did he tell you what happened to me and Naomi during that year, by any chance? I’ve been meaning to ask him, but I’m just never sure how. Plus I don’t want to trigger him." Before Seven could answer, Samantha winced slightly. "Right, Naomi. I wonder what she'll think of this. Us, I mean."

Seven thought about it for a moment. "The two likely outcomes that spring immediately to mind are that she'll feel like you stole her friend from her, or she'll be excited at the prospect of me spending more time in your quarters."

"Hell, maybe it could be both. Obviously I'll have to tell her, I don't like keeping secrets from my daughter. Do you want to be there for-"

The ship suddenly shuddered. The red alert klaxons began going off, and Samantha let out a frustrated groan.     “Oh you have got to be kidding,” Samantha said. “Don’t we usually get at least a week between crises?”     “I believe that is the average for this ship, yes. One would think you’d be used to this by now,” Seven said with a smirk.     Samantha laughed briefly, then looked contemplative.     “You do have a cute smile. Just don’t ever feel like you have to do it on my account. I’d rather earn it than ask for it.” Samantha started to head for the exit, but stopped. “Oh, um, Annika, next time we meet, we need to have a talk about this little thing called ‘oversharing.’”     Seven thought about that statement for a moment.     “Are you referring to me telling you about the holodeck program, or your death in the alternate timeline?”     “Yes,” Samantha said. “I don’t really like thinking about my own mortality, you know?”     “Understandable,” Seven said. “I’ll see you later then?”     “Of course.”

---  

By the time Seven of Nine learned what had happened, the damage had already been done. The ship had been attacked by pirates, whose ships were equipped with high power transporters. A number of piece of technology had been stolen from Voyager as result, most importantly the main computer processor.

“Ensign Kim,” she said as he spotted him leaving the conference room. “I heard about what happened. I believe I can provide assistance in tracking the pirates responsible.”     “You read my mind,” Harry said. “I was just going to head down to astrometrics. You were going to suggest extending the ship's sensors using the deep space imaging system?”     “Correct,” Seven said. “I must apologize, it had not occurred to me you would come to that conclusion on your own. I underestimated your intelligence.”     “It happens. Let’s get to work.”     “Very well. We’ll need to decompile databanks 59-17 in order to isolate an algorithmic feedback that is interfering with the resolution.”     “Started already. Good call. The sooner we can find these people the sooner we can get back everything they stole from us.”     “Is it true that they got the Doctor’s mobile emitter as well?” Seven asked.     “Yeah,” Harry said. “He’s not too happy about that.”     “Knowing the Doctor as I do I’m certain that’s an understatement, but hopefully the Captain considers retrieving that as high a priority as the computer core.”     “If she does she didn’t say anything about it in the briefing. Why do you say that?”     “I would think it obvious. That emitter was built using 29th century technology. If that level of technology were to fall into the ‘wrong hands’ as I believe the saying goes-”     “Damn, you’re right.,” Harry said, quickening his pace. “We better hurry then.”

---

    Samantha Wildman listened as Seven of Nine filled her in on the situation, though she was already aware of the pirate attack and subsequent thefts.     “I imagine the Captain took a whole security detail down there to get our stuff back,” she said.     “An incorrect assumption,” Seven said, contemplating the drawing that Naomi had made for both of them before going to bed for the night. “She took Lieutenant Commander Tuvok, Lieutenant Paris, and Mr. Neelix with her, though I believe they are going to separate locations. The planet seems to be a trading hub for this sector. I believe the intent is to pose as traders to locate our technology.”     “Well that’s good,” Samantha said as she sat down next to Seven, putting an arm around her shoulder. “So, what do you think?”     “Of the mission, or of the drawing”     “The drawing.”     “It is, colorful,” Seven said. “I find that I am more pleased by the effort put into the drawing than the actual result.”     Samantha smiled as she gave Seven a quick kiss on the cheek.     “And to think I was afraid you’d say you didn’t like it.”     “That would be inappropriate. Naomi is a child. If art is something she decides to continue to pursue as she ages, she will doubtless get better with practice. Any negative comments I make would only discourage her.”     Samantha’s mouth hung partially open in shock. “Wow. Annika, I’m not sure how you’ll take this, but you already seem to be thinking like a parent. That is amazing.”

    Seven leaned to the side, resting her head on Samantha’s shoulder.     “I take it as a compliment,” she said, closing her eyes and sighing contentedly. “Shall I leave it here? I can’t think of any place in cargo bay 2 where I could put it.”     “No problem. I can put it with her other drawings. I’ve been saving all of them of course.”     Samantha looked over at the door to her daughter’s room.     “Do you think she’s asleep by now?” she whispered.     Seven glanced in the same direction.     “I can hear her reading,” Seven said. “I think she’s trying to pronounce some of the longer words in the text.”     “Enhanced hearing?” Samantha said.     “Yes.”

    “You don’t use that to eavesdrop, do you?”     “Never intentionally, but I can’t exactly turn my audio implants off. At least not currently. I would be willing to talk to the Doctor about adding that as a feature. It would certainly come in handy. There are a number of things I have learned since coming aboard that I feel I would’ve been better off not knowing.”     Samantha snorted out a laugh.     “I can believe that,” she said as she started gently stroking Seven’s hair.     “With regards to your question about Naomi, I do think it’s likely that if we attempt what we were planning tonight, she would likely hear us.”     “Yeah, you’re probably right.”     “Perhaps it is for the best. I believe it is customary in many human cultures to wait until the third date, and we may not agree on if this counts as our second or not.”     “What do you mean?”     “Our dinner, the night I accidentally revealed my affections for you, just after we survived our encounter with the Srivani.”     “Oh, that,” Samantha said, regretting how she’d handled things when Seven had touched her hand that night. “Well, that wasn’t a date per se, but at the same time we could probably count it as being one in hindsight.”

    Seven seemed to think about that for a few moments, before shrugging. “I’m not an expert on human relationships in general, let alone romantic ones. I’ll defer to your judgement.”

    “The three dates thing isn’t really a hard and fast rule,” Samantha said. “but if that’s how you want to do this you don’t have to worry about me pressuring you.”

    “Admittedly it does seem rather arbitrary. That said, the concern about Naomi walking in on us is perfectly valid. And there is the possibility that I may be called upon to aid in acquiring our stolen technology.” Seven sighed, sounding disappointed.     “Perhaps I could use the extra time to read up on more techniques,” Seven added.

    Samantha patted Seven on the head, smiling.     “There’s only so much you can learn about sex from books babe, trust me,” she said.

    “Well I would ask any crewmembers who I know to have experience with sexual activity, but I believe that would be considered impolite,” Seven said.

    “Depends on who you ask, but that’s probably a good idea. I wouldn’t worry though. As long as we communicate with each other properly I see no reason why it won’t go well. If at any point I do anything that makes you uncomfortable let me know, and we can do something else.”     “I can’t imagine anything you’d do to me would cause discomfort,” Seven said, smiling.     Samantha chuckled. “Unless you’re into that sort of thing.”     “What?”

    “I’ll explain some other time.”

---

    “I really wish you would keep up with your appointments more often Seven,” the Doctor said. “Your ocular interface is out of alignment. Again.”     “I hadn’t noticed,” Seven said. “My vision has not been impaired today at any point.”     “Regardless, you are supposed to come in for your examinations once a week.” The Doctor continued his scans with his tricorder before putting it down to pick up the piece of equipment he’d need to adjust Seven’s non-organic eye.     “It’s a good thing you did come in today, since I can’t go to you at the moment.”     “The Captain and Lieutenant Tuvok should have our stolen technology recovered in a short time. You will no doubt have your mobile emitter back by tomorrow at the latest.”     “I’m sure the Captain appreciates your confidence in her abilities,” the Doctor said. “So,” he added while he continued his work. “Have I missed anything interesting on board lately?”     “Nothing of import,” Seven said. “Have you completed the necessary adjustments?”

    “Oh, yes certainly. It wasn’t a serious misalignment. If it were, you wouldn’t need me to tell you.” The Doctor smiled and put down his instrument. “As for there not being anything of import, I heard there was something of a fuss in the mess hall today.”     Seven sighed. “Lieutenant Torres and I had a disagreement, but it is no longer a matter for concern.”   

    “Just a disagreement? I heard there was shouting involved.”     “None of this is relevant to either the status of my implants, or to the Captain's efforts to reclaim the computer core and your mobile emitter. Why are you so invested in such trivialities?”     “Isn’t it obvious?” The Doctor said, not trying to hide his annoyance. “Without my mobile emitter, I’m stuck in sickbay. Again. I have no means to move about the ship and hear about what’s going on unless someone tells me, but people don’t stop in sickbay just to chat, except for Kes when she was still here. And Naomi sometimes. But that’s beside the point. I feel like I’m in a prison.”     “One that you will be able to leave once we have retrieved the mobile emitter,” Seven said. “You must be patient. And before you say anything, I am aware of the irony of that statement coming from me considering my own behavior. Pointing it out to me would be redundant.”

    The Doctor sighed.     “Yes, yes, you’re right of course. Forgive my outburst.”     Seven sighed as well. “If you must know, Torres and I were working on some astrometric data. There was a disagreement, and she chose to become hostile rather than counter my argument. She called me an ‘automaton,’ and uttered a string of profane Klingon insults.”     “Interesting,” the Doctor said. “So, who was right? About the data I mean.”     “I was. May I go now?”     “Wait, wait, I want more details. Maybe you could translate B’Elanna’s-”     “Tuvok to Seven of Nine. Please report to the astrometrics lab.”     Seven tapped her comm badge to reply. “I’ll be right there,” she said. The Doctor nodded.     “Very well,” he said. “Perhaps we can continue this conversation later, assuming you don’t mind discussing such ‘trivialities.’”     Seven of Nine started to leave sickbay, but paused at the door.     “Doctor, perhaps I may have something for you more interesting than a minor spat with Lieutenant Torres if you are truly that starved for information. I will require the permission of the other party involved however, so I make no promises.”     The Doctor actually felt giddy at the prospect. “Thank you Seven. Thank you very much. Anything to make my internment more bearable.”

---

    “Wait, so you want to tell the Doctor about us?” Samantha said as she stood next to Seven of Nine in the astrometrics lab. Seven had called her there shortly after Tuvok had left to return to the bridge with the data Seven had gathered from the maps obtained from the Da Vinci hologram.     “If you are concerned about him telling the rest of the crew,” Seven said. “I can convince that that would be against his best interests.”     “I get that it must be frustrating for him. Having had the freedom to leave sickbay at any time for over a year only to have it sntached away like that. But I don’t know if what you’re suggesting will make him feel any better.”     “I will simply leave out key details. He will doubtless ask me to fill those in the way he wanted to more about my argument with Lieutenant Torres. When I refuse to give him that information, he will likely attempt to piece it together himself. It will keep him distracted until the Captain has recovered our technology, he’ll get the emitter back and if we are fortunate he will be too enamored his regained freedom to be bothered with such matters as our relationship.”

    Samantha thought about it for a moment.     “I don’t know,” she said. “It seems a bit convoluted. I wish you’d talked to me first.”     “I believe I did.”     “No, I mean before you suggested you might have some juicy piece of gossip for him.”     “Ah. I see. Perhaps that in itself will serve as adequate distraction for him, trying to determine what it was I may or may not have told him.”     Samantha nodded. “Yeah, yeah, that could work.” She sighed and leaned back against the console. “And that’s all setting aside the fact that we don’t even really know what kind of relationship we have yet. We really haven’t had that much time to talk about it. This whole thing with the stolen computer core has kept us pretty busy. And when we do get time together, Naomi’s there too which kind of limits our exploratory options.”     Seven made a noise that Samantha has not heard coming from her before.     “Why Annika, are you giggling?”     “I believe I am. I am amused at your choice of euphemism.”     “What do you mean?”     “‘Exploratory options?’ We’re alone currently, there is no need for such obfuscation. You are referring to both sexual activity and adult conversation, correct?”     “Well, yes.”     Seven shifted a little closer to Samantha, and put her hand that didn’t still have Borg tech it on Samantha’s back.     “Once we have the computer core back, I believe it would be possible to arrange some time on the holodeck. I have a list of programs that the Doctor gave me last month that-”

    “Hold it,” Samantha said, putting an index finger over Seven’s lips. “Annika, why exactly did the Doctor give you those programs?”

Seven proceed to tell Samantha about what she had done after their unofficial first date; not being aware what blushing was, going to the Doctor about her concerns, everything.     “So he already knows you are attracted to me,” Samantha said.     “Yes.”     Samantha then let a laugh loud enough that it visibly startled Seven.     “Why was that amusing to you?”     “Because it makes the conversation I had with the Doctor the day I decided to take a chance on us kind of hilarious in hindsight.”     Seven opened her mouth to say something, closed it, then sighed.     “So you’re saying that it’s likely he already knows about us,” she said.     “If he didn’t before today,” Samantha said. “he probably figured it out after your little tease about new information.”     “It would seem I have a lot to learn about keeping secrets then,” Seven said.     “On this ship? Good luck with that, honey.”

“In hindsight, perhaps it would be considered cruel to keep the Doctor waiting. Hanging by a thread is the correct expression?”     “That would be a yes on both counts. You go ahead and stay here in case Tuvok needs you for anything else, I’ll go talk to him.”     Samantha gently patted Seven on the butt before leaving, saying “And send me that list of holodeck programs!” she said as she exited the lab.