#this year was *really hard* for a lot of reasons. but it was also... really good?

[kenyummy]

✰ 03. the ballad of a bygone blight.

✰ ꒰ ⍣'ˎ˗ platonic yandere batfam / spider! reader ꒱

✰ 03. each coin can be flipped twice.

SYNOPSIS : being spidey isn't easy. being transported into an alternate universe where you're nothing but a shadow in your house, makes sneaking around a little easier... until you find yourself the apple of their eye... kind of.

note: you guys don't know true pain until you have to copy and paste each individual paragraph into a new draft because you forgot how tumblr drafts work </3

n e ways getting into the batfams characterisation yipiieeeee . i tried to incorporate overthinking into tims part realistically bc that's lowkey how i overthink things but hey. im open to respectful criticism. ive also been consuming a lot of batfam media and i tried to my take on their guilt and how it plays into the crazy thing hagaashhaha im going insane fml

prev. ✰ masterlist ✰ next.

You'd always been far too normal. That's what had driven you, all these years, to such a bitter nature. It wasn't like you'd done anything wrong—you'd done everything a regular person would do, and that was the problem.

This kind—your kind—of normality was impossible for a family like yours.

Impossible for them to understand. Relate to. See. Always falling behind, watching as their costumes and capes flutter in the wind, blowing their vision of you. Too wrapped up in the latest villain to spot the regularity in their life.

You'd wake up at 8am, eat a slice of toast with yoghurt and mixed berries—do pilates, and go on with your day.

(Your family would stay up till 8, fighting the crime that riddled the Gotham streets with an iron fist—sneaking out of the house to play dress up with a bunch of mentally insane criminals.)

You'd spend your nights at home, having done everything you'd needed to that day—lazing around with a comic book in hand.

(Your family were far too busy most nights at Arkham—preventing their hundredth breakout and the spread of fear toxin.)

You'd watch, pupils dilated as your siblings, your father came home bruised, beat, and bloodied (with whose blood—you could only guess).

You'd watch in agonising silence as they'd shoo you off after you'd peek from behind their doorframe—saying this kind of work wasn't suitable for eyes like yours.

Those same eyes dimmed that day—staring blankly into nothing as the sight of that sickening crimson red became more common to you, with each passing day.

Dripping down onto the ground—you'd never be able to get rid of that blood. No matter how hard you scrubbed the floorboards, there would always be that stain of red.

You'd grip the sheets—nails digging into mesh fabric—with a steel-knuckled hold. You'd draw what it would be like to be one of them. That same blood-red suit—yet with a different kind of venom to a bat.

Crawling up a water spout—you, the spider—were washed out by the bitterness enrapturing your heart that was once full and blooming like the most beautiful of gardens.

Venom drips from your fangs and yet left unbitten. Never poisoning anything but your own tongue.

To be overlooked and unseen with the most brilliant mind a god could conjure; the world, your family—may never love a spider, but you will find somebody, someday, who will.

Tim Drake was not used to that expression on your face.

... Actually—he wasn't really used to any expression on your face. For a moment, it felt more like a blur to him than anything. Memories of you—they were few and far between.

Except that look of pity you'd always seem to give them. The image appeared in his mind suddenly, for whatever odd reason. That sad, almost puppy-ish, expression that he'd never really given a second thought.

(Though—it made you appear more of a baby to him.)

Perhaps he'd just gotten used to it. After all this time, what could've possibly changed?

He was wrapped up with something strange given to him by Bruce when he'd seen you. A strange, web-like substance—he was just getting ready to study it when it dissolved like nothing were ever there.

Like silk, it was soft. Like glue, it was sticky. Like fibers, it was stringey. Yet—after just a few hours, it was as if it never existed. Like it were nothing but a bad dream.

Bruce and Damian talked about it like it were a spiderweb—fitting, considering the hero that wielded it, they described as looking more arachnid than human.

Regardless—his mind was already frazzled and buzzing with all kinds of thoughts. Spider. Spider Web? Spider.

Where is that fucking web?

The stress crawls under his skin like bugs and he itches. The red left over is so familiar to him—but perhaps never the same at all.

(That same red you'd seen with those big, glassy eyes—unlike that motionless gaze you'd give him sparingly. If he bled again, would you look at him kindly like that once more?)

Then, a shoulder crashes into his. Hard. Enough to almost knock the vial out of his hands. The frustration is just about to bubble over—the words crawling up his throat like bile and his chest tightens with that familiar burst of rage.

(Tim, crash-out, Drake—Steph called him once.)

But he stops.

It's only you.

Why are you here? Aren't you supposed to be at school? He hadn't been to school in a while—being a vigilante leaves a guy's schedule pretty packed—but he's sure...

"[name]? What are you doing here? Isn't it school hours...?" He asks, curiously.

You blink, face blank. He can't get a read on that face. He simply can't decipher it. It bothers him more than it probably should've. "I felt sick, so I decided to come home. Still a bit frazzled from... you know."

His heart beats faster. What? You went to school? You really went to school?

(Even if he realised it beforehand, it's like the shock runs through him again. What's wrong with him?)

You went to school even though you were shot a few days ago? Did that really happen? Did he... not realise? He's supposed to know this stuff, isn't he? Isn't he the smart one? Doesn't he keep tabs on everybody? Doesn't he look at you?

A cold chill fills his body, and he bites down hard on the inside of his cheek. Before he can stop himself, the words spill.

"...Bruce is going to be worried. You know how he feels when you and Damian skip."

You glance to the side, considering something. He wants to know. Will you tell him? He feels like he knows nothing about you anymore. It's dehibilitating.

Since when have you brushed them off so easily? You were never like this before. You used to preen at a simple headpat (not from him—but you seemed to especially love your two oldest brothers) and practically glow when somebody talked with you.

"I think I'll live. Bye." You shrug.

His heart nearly beats out of his chest. What? Why are you acting like this? Don't you care?

Why are you acting like you hate it? You hate them? You don't care? What's wrong with you?

Did you get a concussion when you were shot? Did you hit your head and forget everything? Did you lose your mind after getting lead poisoning? Is this even you? What happened when you were shot?

Every possible question excluding—what has he done?

The bullet he saw in your shoulder flashes in his mind. When Jason practically kicked the door down, carrying your heavily breathing body bridal style and yelling for Bruce to get his ass over here.

Why were you out in the first place? Why weren't you at home? What happened to you? Why were you shot? What could you have done?

He had no time to think about it before. Not when he was so busy, and Riddler was causing up a stir.

Now, he is crumbling.

You're walking away, but his vision shakes. He feels like he's going to crumble. He hates it. This feeling. The feeling of knowing he simply just can't figure this out. He's mad. At you, or himself—he isn't quite sure. Perhaps a mix of both.

Why have you changed? Why did he not realise? Had you even changed? Did he ever know you?

He nearly crushes the vial in his grip. His hand reaches out, to grasp you. Your shoulder. The bullet lodged deep within you. Maybe if he got rid of it, you'd go back. To normal. You'd be your normal self again.

He feels it so deeply.

That crippling, nihilating urge to—

He stops. Watching you walk away. Fast. So fast. He can't catch up. No amount of training could've allowed him to walk alongside his little sibling.

Perhaps he found himself caught in that spider's silky trap—bound and unmoving as he just couldn't seem to tear his eyes away.

The empty vial doesn't concern him much anymore. He stares at it with eyes as hollow as the glass is.

Tim wonders when everything changed.

Dick Grayson watched your convulsing body with shaking eyes. A bullet lodged in your shoulder and crimson dripping onto the ground in a sickening rhythm. He couldn't reach out. He couldn't have touched your face. Not when Jason held you like that. Like a guard dog. His bloody helmet slamming to the ground just for Dick to see the absolute fury on his little brother's face.

Pupils blown—Dick knows what's going on. Better than any of the rest of them, he'd even go as far as to say. He's manic. Absolutely manic. Shouting and yelling for anyone—asking what Bruce was doing, letting you out alone this late. What he was fucking expecting.

Nobody speaks. Nobody can. What could they possibly say? That they didn't notice? That nobody did?

Jason might have taken them all on in your honour if he had truly said those words out loud. He always would've, even if he never stayed for long.

Dick almost wants to sock Jason in the face for keeping you away, so close to his own heart.

(He would've done the same, if only he had you. If only you would let him.)

The only thing he can see in his brothers' arms is that child who used to hide in the most obvious of spots. Crouching behind that large TV with the tips of their hair peeking out. Who used to laugh so gleefully when everyone pretended they couldn't find them.

He sees you, and nearly falls over.

Dick Grayson isn't a stranger to blood. Blood had followed his footsteps wherever he goes. He is made of the blood of everyone he lost and fears to lose.

He didn't think you'd fit into the former so quickly.

(You never thought you were either—did you?)

He can't do anything when he sees Jason carry you out. Slipping into a car with Bruce and Alfred and driving off, far past the speed limit.

He is powerless to move. He is useless. As he was when he watched his parents fall. When he was held back by Bruce when he found that vile man.

He hadn't felt like this for a long, long time.

He was the perfect one. He was the best of them. The first. Everything Batman was supposed to be. Nightwing. Robin. Doing everything he could to be what Bruce wanted.

He was the perfect one.

What use was that when your blood stains the hardwood floors?

What use was him not remembering what you looked like until this moment? The only time he'd ever seen you was when a bullet was lodged in your shoulder, and your body was practically convulsing.

... This should never have happened.

You were always the normal one. The most regular. Never tainted by the horrors of Gotham. Bright. Kind. Your eyes were always so kind. Pitiful. You'd always pity them. Wanting to help, but how could he possibly let you?

How could he possibly let you see the shattered expression on his face each time he'd seen you hurting? (Even if it was you hurting for them.)

You never should've...

He stops his own train of thought.

Why were you out, anyway? Hadn't you known how awfully terrible Gotham is at night?

Hadn't he... warned you...?

Dick walks off, eyes following his retreating figure—he can't find it within himself to care. He storms upstairs—almost frantically.

Everything is so quiet. Nobody here. Nobody waiting here like there usually is.

Where you usually are. The end of the hallway. It's brighter over here. The windows more open. The floorboards more bleached by the sun than back where his childhood room used to be.

He almost kicks the door open when his sweaty hands can't get a good grip on the doorknob.

(He can't. He can't destroy the barrier between you both, no matter how hard he tries.)

It slips open, eventually. Dick takes in the sight, silently, eyes darting around.

There's dust littering the air, highlighted by glittering light. The glow of the sun pours into your room like molten honey. Shining down onto your carpet.

There is nothing else.

Your room is so empty. If he didn't know better, he'd thought this were a guest room. Scuffed—but suitable for a short visit nonetheless.

How long have you stayed here?

Dick tries to ignore the bleakness that fills his head when he tries to answer his own question.

He can't bring himself to step inside. Not without you there. He stands in the doorway, as lost as he felt when he world came crashing down with that tightrope.

He feels like a little kid all over again. As helpless as a little kid is in this world.

As helpless as you were.

As helpless as you are.

Your face looked like a blur for all these years. Lingering in the background, but never for long. His nails dig into the calloused flesh of his palm. Hardened from years of fighting, protecting all he cared about. All those he failed to protect before.

He didn't do anything, did he? Not for so long. For as long as Jason died, was it?

... How long was that?

He wasn't sure when you slipped from his mind. So caught up with those beside him—he hadn't seen you slip behind, silently.

That little kid, staring up with tearful eyes. Asking where Jason was. Asking when they could all play together again.

Behind the capes, the masks—behind him, there was you.

Dick would've fallen over if he hadn't caught himself on the doorframe.

How could he have possibly, ever let you out of his sight? How can he stand to look at you when he let this happen? The most regular thing in his life. Something he had never given a second glance.

His chest hurts with a white-hot pain that stings his entire nervous system.

The best of them all—it was never him. It was always you, wasn't it?

The one keeping him grounded was you—he feels like his heart can't beat properly. Clutching it hard, nothing works. The ache stings, but nothing feels worse than his mind spiralling with thoughts of you laying in a hospital gown with red seeping out your side.

He will never, ever let something like this happen to you again.

Dick will let you know you'll never need to worry about anything again as long as your favourite big brother is here.

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[storyweavingspider]

I wrote this all out once and then tumblr ate it as it was posting so I’m writing it again out of fucking spite.

Instead of a basic transition timeline, I wanna write something for the transfemmes who had their transitions delayed because of someone else, who are scared they may never be safe to transition. It’s worth surviving until you escape and can create yourself, I promise you.

In 2016, when I was 20, I first started to have realizations of Gender. I was dating my most abusive partner at the time, a semi-closeted transmasc who forced me to stop exploring my gender because of their own insecurities snd internalized transphobia - and because of how abusive the relationship was, I stopped out of fear and banished the thought from my mind. We were together for three-ish years.

These photos are the first time I put on makeup for myself that wasn’t for a costume or performance, taken about 30 minutes apart in 2016.

In January 2019, I finally escaped them safely, and immediately came out as an any-pronouns enby who often had curated facial hair. I knew nothing really about HRT and didn’t have any transfemme friends I could talk to more about it at the time. I kept my presentation and pronouns fluid through 2020-ish.

I’m including a small range of photos from this period bc I want y’all to see me experimenting with femme looks as well as having masc looks. I also used breastforms/inserts at this point depending on the day/look. These are from roughly 2019/2020:

In 2021, I started hormones (pills), stopped letting people use “he” pronouns at all for me, and settled on “They” as my primary pronoun. I also started focusing more on styling myself femininely and figuring out what I liked/wanted.

In 2022, I started interacting with the local trans community a lot more and started injections/monotherapy, which I found worked a *lot* better for me than pills.

These photos are from 2021/22:

Over 2023/24/25, I’ve increased my dosages, added progesterone, and have found better skincare/hair care routines for myself. I’d like to have surgeries eventually, but that’s complicated by the fact that many FFS surgeons only know how to work within white standards of beauty, and don’t know how to preserve “ethnic features” especially for Black trans women.

I also stopped allowing nonblack people to use “she/her/girl” pronouns for me for complicated racial reasons (although I still use other feminine terms), added “Fae/faer” as my primary pronouns in addition to “They/them”, and realized a lot more about my gender! I still identify as a non-binary trans woman, however.

These photos are from recently:

I wanted to say all this because I never thought I’d escape that relationship I mentioned and get to be myself. We broke up a week before we would’ve gotten married. I didn’t have hope and I thought being able to be who I really am was just.. lost to me. And I was wrong.

Even if it takes you longer to get there, even if you’re not safe right now or don’t feel comfortable right now, it’s worth surviving until you can, I promise. I wish I had been able to be myself in those three years I “lost” too, but I’m so fucking happy to be who I am now. I’ve been through a LOT of trauma since those first photos, I’m not gonna pretend it was easy to survive until now, but it’s so fucking worth it.

One day you’ll get to be the one telling younger trans women how it was hard for you to survive until you could transition, but that it’s so worth it to keep going until you can.

Hi girls, let’s do something! Reblog to this post with a picture of yourself, or a transition timeline if you feel comfortable about it, and things that make you happy and comfortable about yourself! To spread a bit of positivity, and show the girls that are scared that there’s joy on the other side.

[utopianparadoxist]

June Egbert, The Tao of Pranksterism, and Maid Roleplay

So we've got our first glimpse of June Egbert, shining like a star on the horizon, as of the latest upd8!

With the Warhammer of Zillyhoo at her side and the general harlequin energy of her silhouette, many are drawing comparisons to Trickster Mode, or to Nannasprite. Both of these, notably, are heavily linked to Jane.

And I'm interested in June's relationship to Jane's legacy as her ancestor, because this feels similar to ideas of classpect roleplay I've described for years. so I want to talk about it here and speculate a bit about what kind of worldview change a roleplay reading suggests might accompany June's gender transformation.

A quick bit of background for those who don't know what Class roleplay is-- It's basically the idea that a player of any class might end up roleplaying as a different class, to various degrees of success or failure, and that in Homestuck characters do so in particular when they are actively striving to live up to the legacy left by their Ancestors.

Vriska is the clearest example to argue. Early in her arc with Tavros she is actively trying to fit both him and herself into narrative roles left behind in Mindfang's journal, and in the process strives to make Tavros stronger much as Kanaya does for Eridan by giving him the wand, or Aranea herself later does to Jake.

The way she conceptualizes the endeavor emphasizes the verb "MAKE", a close synonym to the most commonly accepted Maid/Sylph verb, "Create". She kisses Tavros while wearing a fairy dress-the word Sylph originally referring to a kind of fairy. And of course she gets the dress from Kanaya, a Sylph herself.

And of course, her attempt to woo Tavros in this way is a disastrous failure. Later, when she tries to make Tavros kill her instead of kiss her--again evoking Mindfang and the Summoner's relationships--she again fails soundly, Tavros rejecting her mind suggestions and leaving her to bleed slowly to death by herself.

The reason Vriska is failing in these situations is at least partly that she is obsessively trying to be Mindfang instead of honestly coming to grip with who she really is as her own person. The way the narratives you build up in your head about who you WANT to be like distort your own self of self and lead to self-sabotage and toxic relationships is a running theme in Homestuck, and Roleplay mechanics helpfully signpost this on a mechanical Sburb Class level.

Later Aranea makes the exact same mistake as Vriska in emulating Mindfang, but fails at least partly because, as Vriska lays out, she just doesn't have enough experience doing "ruthless pirate shit"--in other words, behaving like a Thief.

But the Marquise herself poses an interesting possibility, because she seems to succeed at performing both the roles of the Thief and the Sylph. And Vriska attributes this to the fact that the Marquise is an adult, who learned to perform a role that didn't initially come naturally to her through a slow accumulation of experience.

In this way, Vriska suggests a way out of hard Classpect determinism. It *is* possible to act outside of your native Class, even to successfully incorporate the strengths and abilities of a different class entirely, but this is part of a nuanced and complicated process of personal growth and a gaining of increased complexity of perspective, experience and ability as you grow through life.

Now lets bring this focus to John. John and Jane's mutual ancestorism is explicitly tied to their shared interest in jokes and pranks. Dirk likens this to Zen, or the Tao, meaning it reflects something about their fundamental relationship to the world and approach to dealing with it and its challenges.

John invokes this connection again as he carries out the retcon, the absolute height of his impact on the plot and narrative in og Homestuck, with the retcon being literally just being a series of pranks. They're also a series of pranks he has a lot of fun with!

Even while everyone is dead and everything is completely cosmically screwed, John is able to enjoy himself as he carries on and keeps striving to Make a better future. He indulges the Zen of pranksterism in this moment, using it as a way to cope with and transcend the horrors of Paradox Space.

He's also, on a mechanical level, roleplaying a Maid.

The Maid class, like the Sylph, is associated with healing and improbable ressurection. Aradia is able to transcend her own death and act in the world as a ghost even before she God Tiers through the use of her Time-coded ghost powers. Kanaya is lethally shot and revives inexplicably as an immortal Rainbow Drinker, the only character to be immortal without even being God Tier.

This is more true of Jane than anyone, who's Maid of Life powers allow her to Make Life for herself in such a way that even after being beheaded in what should inarguably be a Just death, Jane can overpower the conditional immortality of God Tiers completely and just walk and talk around as a decapitated body and her severed head. She is Making Life for her own benefit, and quite definitely no one elses.

Jane's other major power is to offer people free resurrections, like she does in Collide. And what does John's retcon accomplish? Give Vriska a free resurrection, effectively taking a more circuitous path to achieving the same end result that comes to a Maid naturally. It's for Vriska's benefit for sure though. John is still natively a passive Heir class, and this moment represents a blurring of the lines between the roles of Heir and Maid, a moment where John's impact is not narrowly defined by just one Sburb assigned Class but is shaped complexly by his unique context and nature as John Egbert.

That said, after the Retcon, something really interesting happens.

John stops pranking.

For the rest of Homestuck and through the Epilogues, we basically never see John indulging pranksterism again. At the same time, he eschews using his Retcon powers almost entirely, seeming almost scared of the responsibility and level of power they represent unless he's directly told to use them, like Rose does in Meat. This coincides with his prolonged period of aimless, directionless depression.

Who does this parallel?

Jane, who has similarly given up "frivolous" or "childish" concerns like pranksterism and jokes in favor of deeply serious matters like Pursuing The Presidency and Representing The Gods As Respectable People To Earth C. And like John, Jane is all the more miserable for it. What that might mean for either of her iteration's arcs is a topic for another day though, this ain't about her.

While his desire to kill Dirk is honestly misguided and ridiculous, this update's shift in John's psychology does point to a kind of positive progress in his psychology that takes him closer to the ideal of June he's glimpsed in his own future. He's Making Breath--direction, purpose, momentum-- for his own benefit, nobody else's.

Which is important to do, because right now all the work John needs to do is internal. The thing about John sometimes evoking his Maid heritage is that so far he hasn't been doing it consciously or consistently. He barely knows anything about who he is or what he wants, and so he's not in a position to be good to or try to help anybody.

It's a step closer to embracing Maid as an alternate/complementary identity, along with the gendered implications that the female-specific (so far) class implies.

A fully formed June Egbert will likely take this even further, realizing the potential of and fully embracing the possibility of Making Breath herself, for her own benefit, Breath in this case being simple fun. Frivolity. Jokes. Pranks! Detachment from the pain and suffering from the world by enjoying the fun that comes with existing, even in the midst of the chaos.

She will likely be a June who fully recognizes the reality that Life is a Game to be played and enjoyed--which is why the Game of Life board from Problem Sleuth shows up in the vision of June that John experiences while witnessing the Light of Vriska's ascension.

Hence the association with Nannasprite and the design's evocation of Harlequins. Harlequins and clowns are performers on the stage, and a June who recognizes that all of life is a stage would be in a position to be a playful and self-aware performer herself--even moreso if she becomes June by going through Helltier or ascending to Ultimate herself, thereby gaining the same metatextual knowledge Dirk, Al and Vriska possess.

And if such an ascension brings her back in touch with the power of Retcon, an Ultimate/Helltier June Egbert unafraid to use her power for whatever she wants would be the ultimate wildcard. She could issue free revives to all the dead trolls. She could bring back her Dad and Rose's Mom and Dirk's Alpha Bro.

Those are just random Maidy examples tied to resurrection I'm coming up with off the top of my head that could make her happy and/or severely emotionally fuck with Rosebot and Dirk, but really, she could and likely will do way more imaginative and interesting shit than that. She'd certainly prove a lethal danger to Dirk, which could likely put her in conflict with Rosebot, Vriska, Davebot, Jake and Roxy, none of whom seem likely to want to see Dirk dead.

She's a complete chaos element! And she's already here.

I can't wait to see what pranks she's gonna play.

[muqingslover]

[ As promised I present to you Caleb's NSFW alphabet! I actually had fun making this and got a bit carried away oops. I added little descriptions for some to avoid confusion and I'll be doing the alphabet of the other boys too ;) ]

A = Aftercare

After sex with Caleb feels so comfortable in a way that is just, easy. He'd tease about how wrecked you look only to laugh when you tell him off, catching the pillow thrown at him before it hit his face and then pouncing to tickle you.

He has a lot of energy after sex too Instead of tiring him out it refreshes him type of deal. So he'd make the two of you something to eat after a shower and put on a show the two of you were watching or find some board game to play with you.

B = Bondage

Be it him tying you up or the other way around he is into it. The only thing is that every time it's happened it was 100% not planned and the restraints were just whatever was closer at the time— A belt, a necktie, a necklace wink wink.

C = Crying

Every time you cry he gets worried so it's not his favorite thing. It just doesn't do anything for him to see you in tears, even if it's because of pleasure. Caleb never wants to be the reason for your tears period.

He is also not the type to shed tears for multiple reasons (unless we're talking about you dying or something) sorry ladies.

D = Dominance

Though he has a preference for being dominant I think Caleb is also a HUGE switch! He would do anything for his s/o and if this means he has to get on his knees for you then he 100% will because the look on your face is just worth so much to him.

E = Experience (how experienced are they? do they know what they’re doing?)

📢 VIRGIN !

sorry, I mean he has no experience. Absolutely zero. However, he does have some idea of what to do because he's searched it up merely for your sake. He wants to be ready for anything and that includes making you feel good.

F = Favorite position

Any position where he can see your face is his favorite. Perhaps a bit tradicional, but he does enjoy missionary because then he can have your hands pinned down against the mattress and you completely open to him.

G = Goofy (are they serious in the moment? Or are they humorous? etc.)

I think it can be a mix? It really depends on context with this little guy. He can be overly serious or very playful, causing the both of you to exchange giggles in the middle of it because of some silly comment or because he bumped his head by accident.

H = Hair (how well groomed are they? does the carpet match the drapes?)

He likes to shave everything because he wants to feel and look "clean" for you. Mans just obsessed with being perfect in every way for his partner and that includes being a hairless dog.

I = Impact play

Hitting you is not for him. Caleb just can't bring himself to raise his hand against you in any way, but you doing it....Well, let's just say he wouldn't mind it if you were to slap him around when he didn't listen. He'd like it if you were to grab his face with a firm hand, adding a pleasurable sting to the red spot on his cheek, to make him do whatever it is you wanted.

J = Jack off (how often do they masturbate? Do they enjoy doing it alone? ect.)

*taps mic one more time*: The most sexually frustrated virgin to ever walk this Earth.

For years Caleb had no choice but to get himself off while thinking about you and using your clothes, your scent, and even with all his self-control a person has needs yk.

During teen years this poor guy wanted to bury himself in a ditch because of how horny he was. You breathed a little too close to his neck and boom, he has a hard-on. Now that he's older? Not that much changed, but because he's so busy he just doesn't really have the time to do it and it slips his mind.

K = Kissing (How do they kiss? Where do they like to kiss or be kissed the most?)

He loves, loves, loooooves kissing your lips. Like, your lips are swollen and bruised because of how much he does it. It's always so passionate and hungry once he starts because he's been waiting so damn long for this. Your taste on his tongue makes his head spin so good and all he wants is to keep kissing you until neither of you are able to breathe.

L = Location (favorite places to have sex.)

His (locked) office, his bed, in the shower. In that order.

M = Masochism (are they an M or an S? Do they enjoy pain? How much can they handle it? ect.)

Masochist alert !

Honestly he wouldn't be here if he wasn't some kind of masochist let's be so real right now.

Like I said he wouldn't ever hurt you, but he is okay with being roughed up if it's by your hands. The harsh pain on his scalp when you pull on his hair and the feeling of your foot stepping on his pitiful boner are enough to make him cum before even taking off his pants. Caleb lives for any attention from you and the way your eyes sharpen when you glare down at him who was put on his knees just make him so weak. Gods, you look stunning from above.

N = No (something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Blindfolding him or covering your face are a big no-go. His FOMO is so bad it seriously cracks me up.

Threesomes, group sex, public sex ect— Anything that involves sharing you or showing you to others is an absolute no.

And of course, anything that includes hurting you or making you cry.

O = Oral

Okay so he is reaaaally into both, but I feel like he enjoys being on the receiving end more even if he wouldn't ever admit it.

The feeling of your warm, wet mouth around his cock and the way your eyes get a little hazed seem to satisfy a side to him he never thought would be satisfied. His pervy, teen self wouldn't believe how far he's come (get it? lol)

Regarding skill— My pookies know I have a virgin Caleb agenda here so he is not the best, at first at least. You have to take the time to teach him how to make you feel good, but he is a fast learner ;).

P = Patience

Rarely denies you an orgasm UNLESS he is in one of his "teasing" moods because you were giving him a little too much attitude.

H O W E V E R this loser can only hold out for so long when it comes to you. If you say the right thing, with the right tone, blinking your little puppy dog eyes at him he's gonna fold like a paper crane.

Oh not to mention the fact that he will always keep your hands faaaar away from his body because the second you touch him his resolve crumbles completely.

Q = Quickie

Personally I think he is not the biggest fan of quickies, but he does do it often. Caleb has a godly amount of self-control that only begins to fall apart once he's in a relationship because everything is just overwhelming, in more ways than one. His hands have a will of their own, exploring your body anytime he can and more often than not it ends in some sort of pleasure experience.

R = Risk (are they game to experiment? do they take risks? etc.)

Yes, absolutely. I said it before that Caleb loooves your body and he is so suppressed from all those years that he is more than willing to try a bit of everything as long as it doesn't bring you any harm. Not to mention that he LIVES to please you and anything you asked, if doable, he will do it. No questions asked.

S = Sleepy sex

I don't think he enjoys it to be honest. He always likes to be 100% aware of the feeling of your pussy tightening around him and bringing him to his release. He also doesn't feel like he can pleasure you properly if he is not fully awake.

Again, his FOMO is just ridiculous lmfao

T = Top, Bottom or Vers

In this blog I preach about him being a vers! Though I think he's mostly a top because he likes the role of being the one who takes care of you.

U = Underwear

Panty sniffer ! Panty thief ! we all yell in unison.

Well, he does enjoy your underwear. In specific though? Caleb enjoys the piece of fabric alone more than when you're wearing it because he likes to imagine it on your body and touch where it would be touching you. Pervy stuff, I know.

He also prefers if you wear his clothes, including his boxers.

V = Voyeurism

Letting others watch you? Absolutely NOT.

Him watching you getting off or the other way around however? Whew, the thought alone has him hot and bothered.

W = Wild card (personal headcanon that can be considered unexpected)

He will agree to pegging. There I said it so strap on ladies.

X = X-Ray

I ain't doing this LMFAO sorry pookies dick anatomy is not for me. yk, a dick is a dick.

Y = Yearning (how high is their sex drive?)

He has such high sex drive it's insane. He doesn't last too long when the two of you have sex for the first few times, but even when he's all shaky and overstimulated he still has the stamina to keep going.

Z = Zones (His sensitive spot/s)

His dick. I'm so serious right now. It may be obvious, but it really is the most sensitive part of him and anywhere close to his inner thighs/pelvis is just as good.

Caleb also considers extremely erotic if you suck his fingers while maintaining eye contact - guarantee to get him hard in seconds.

[thegurlwhoisntthere]

Currently thinking about The Batfam and what Hogwarts houses people usually put them in vs what house I think they’re actually in, Let’s go:

Starting off with Dick Grayson, he’s the oldest and most of the fandom knows him as “the golden boy”! The original Robin and the mother hen mediator of his siblings… he works so very hard to keep this reputation, inside he is a feral feral child. Defo got some anger issues that he shoves down because he blames himself for Jason’s death of reasons. Most people put him in either Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. As an adult, I agree he does fit these houses… however. The children of Hogwarts do not get sorted as fleshed out adults, they get sorted as feral 11 year olds. And 11 year old dick was as feral as they come. I think what house he’s in really depends on what age you think he was when his parents were murdered. The most accepted ages are 8-12, which means that there’s some wiggle room here. Pre-orphan hood I feel like he could swing that Gryffinpuff nature that many people believe him to be. However, if this is after the accident, I believe that it would be a toss up between Gryffindor and Slytherin depending on how long ago it happened. If it’s 8-9 I believe it’d be closer to Gryffindor because he’d have more time to settle into his role as Robin and maybe he’s starting to lean more toward Reckless and fun than “I will murder those that have wronged me” that early orphan-hood brought him. If he was 10-11 and still feeling that rage, then Slytherin.

Next we have Jason Todd-Wayne! Second Oldest… kinda, I think he and Cass are tied. Second Robin and first adopted, Jason grew up on the streets of Crime Alley and his tough skin showcased that. But! Don’t let his past fuel you, this boy is famous for his “Robin makes me Magic” quote (I’m so sorry if that’s not the actual quote, but I’m not doing research this is vibes and past knowledge only) and made Batman wait until he was finished with his homework to go on Patrol. Though Famous for his death, Resurrection and anger issues and murder, once again he did not die until 15/16, so we will be sorting him based on his 11 year old self. Now, honestly I don’t know where most people sort him beyond Ravenclaw because the Ravenclaw people are correct. This man has valued education since the day he was born. Pre-adoption or not, the moment he hears that Ravenclaw has a built in Library he was never going anywhere else.

Down the line we have Timothy “Tim” Drake-Wayne! Third Robin, ace photographer and Detective, he figured out who Batman was when he was 9. I don’t feel like Tim needs much explaination for me to say Slytherin, but I’ll give a bit anyway. It’s commonly believed that as an adult, Tim would be in Slytherin. It’s also commonly believed that the only reason he doesn’t kill is because Bruce doesn’t allow it. At 11 years old, not adopted by Bruce or in regular contact with him at all and criminally neglected, Tim has no super vision, resources, a brilliant mind, and too much time on his hands. When I say he would do anything to get what he wants, or what he thinks needs to happen, he fucking will.

Alright! Next up we have Stephanie Brown! Now I will be so honest, a lot of these next characters I don’t know a lot about them or their backgrounds, so I will be trying my best. This girl has ✨daddy issues✨, her dad is the knock off Riddler: Cluemaster. She grew up in Gotham proper, though I don’t know the specific neighborhood. She donned a mask costume to take him down herself, running into the third Robin, befriending him and eventually takes over for him a bit when his dad’s being a Debby downer. Valiantly refuses to be adopted by Batman. Very tough, very classy, I dub her a Gryffindor through and through… Although she can get into the Ravenclaw common room with ease.

Following her, we’ve got the legend herself Cassandra Cain-Wayne. Raised to be a living weapon by her father and escaped him after her first kill, she was never taught how to speak, only read body language. Found by Barbara Gordon at… 16? I think, she was eventually either taught how to sign and speak or had her brain magically rewired to understand speech and learned it alongside sign then. Again, don’t really understand her personality, but from what I’ve read she has a vicious sense of right and wrong and a mischievous streak just as long and wide and her brother’s, though the adults never suspect her. At 11 years old, I feel like she would find a home in Hufflepuff. She doesn’t quite know who she is, but she’s hard working and vicious like a badger if you fuck with her.

Finishing off the Batgirls, we have the original: Barbara Gordon! Originally Batgirl, now Oracle, I have no idea where people normally put her. I can see her going into any house: she’s hard working and kind like Hufflepuffs, Reckless and Brave like Gryffindor, Cunning and Resourceful like Slytherin, and Smart and Creative like Ravenclaw. I’m leaning toward Slytherin for her as an adult, but I don’t know a lot about her younger self to say anything too definitively. Maybe Gryffindor when she’s young and reckless, but grows into Slytherin more and more? Or maybe just Slytherin through and through.

And now, rounding off the Robins, we have Damian Al Ghul Wayne! Son of Talia Al Ghul and Bruce Wayne, Damian was raised to be the perfect assassin with the disposition and arrogance of a prince. His entrance to the family was rocky, but he’s grown more and more into his place as time passed. If he’s very new to the family at 11, Slytherin without any doubts. Two and a half years and on, I think he’s a Hufflepuff who’s got a lot of Slytherin habits. He was raised to beat down his kindness and natural loyalty, but being with Bruce, Dick and the rest of his family brings it out more and more with each year. So, the longer he’s with them, the more chance I think he has of being in Hufflepuff, though I do believe it’s really just down to him deciding, similar to Harry in the books.

And Last, but most certainly not least, we have the newest member of the family: Duke Thomas! Not yet adopted by Bruce (and maybe never, we don’t know) Duke is the only Metahuman member of the Batfamily. His parents were rendered insane by the Joker when he was young and he was pushed into the system… I think. For probably the fourth time in this post, I’m not as familiar with his character. I know at some point he either started a child gang or was one of the leaders of a child gang called “we are Robin”, so while he never had a Batman as Robin, he did don the symbol at some point. Now I know Duke like Poetry, was kind of a loner before he joined the Robin gang, and that a lot of people debate whether or not he’s chill or just as insane as his other siblings. In my opinion, he’s just as insane, but when he first got to the manor he was kinda nervous and accidentally conned everyone into thinking that he was normal, when in fact, he’s there for a reason. At 11, I believe that his parents had already been Jokered, so similar boat to baby Dick, but I feel like the toss up is between Slytherin and Ravenclaw, rather than Gryffindor (though that was briefly considered). Idk I think anyone who’s part of a child gang is gonna be cunning and Ambitious, but also I’ve read a lot of things where he’s quite creative, good at thinking outside the box, good at writing Poems, and good with Brain teasers, so I think he wouldn’t be out of place in Ravenclaw.

And those are my opinions on the batfamily and their Hogwarts houses. I forgot while writing the post that I could’ve included Bruce and Alfred, so: Bruce is Gryffindor, Alfred is Slytherin and I won’t be explaining that further. Good day and good night 🫡

Tell me ur opinions please please please please ple-

[butterflydm]

WoT 3x04 Deep Dive (book spoilers addition)

We made it! We achieved Rhuidean. This show keeps taking things that I feel have to be unfilmable and doing the impossible with them. Spoilers through 3x04 of the show and A Memory of Light for the books.

This is actually relatively short, because I was able to cover most thoughts in the show spoilers only post!

The idea that the best "weapon" is one that is not solely a weapon but can be used for other things was also a big focus of Perrin's storyline in the books (...even though axes can absolutely be used as tools, so I think the show did a good move by attaching the idea of 'axe as weapon' to his violence via killing Laila instead of making it just an inherent property of axes), but we also see it echoed in Rand & Mat, and in the Aiel as a whole. A sword is only ever a sword, but a bow or a spear can put food on the table. Perrin used an axe for violence, but he's used a hammer for creation.

So. Rand touching his ear in this talk with Lan.

The reason that I mention this is because Josha has read the books and knows them well so... check out his hands after he says, "There are so many things I can't be" in this opening conversation with Lan. In the books, Rand thumbing his ear is a tell that "Lews Therin" is also present in that moment. In the books, it was usually used when "Lews Therin" was finding a woman attractive but Rand didn't want to attach that feeling to himself, but the show might use it more generally. It might be that Rand has done this before on the show, but this is the first time it's really stood out to me. Is Rand attaching his nostalgia for home to LTT so that he doesn't have to feel it himself?

They are definitely making Rand a lot more open to the Aiel in the show, which fits with how he is trying less to be "hard" than he was at this point in the books. That Rand believed that he needed to use the Aiel as a tool and tried to keep his emotional distance because of it. This Rand does still see the Aiel as a potential tool, but he also sees the potential of a connection there too.

In the books, the romantic relationship between Rand and Aviendha was treated (at first) as a "binding cord" between Rand and the Aiel (by the Wise Ones, for sure) and that kind of dropped away as the books went on and we spent so long with Rand and Aviendha separated, and it ended up being Aviendha's first-sister relationship with Elayne that became more of a binding cord. I wonder if the show is going to keep that connection between Rand and Aviendha more present in the show. Much like we see Rand and Moiraine share a moment after they've both been through a trial of Rhuidean, Rand and Aviendha shared a moment as well, and the show may build on that (hopefully! It looks like they're sitting near each other in one of the shots in the promo for 3x05).

Something I noticed in the books, and something that I wonder if the show will follow, is that we never meet any clan chiefs or Wise Ones who are Darkfriends (please correct me if I'm wrong). Given that the columns seem to be almost alive, in how they are described, and how clearly the moments that it shows people must have been plucked out by a purpose, I wonder if the columns also weed out Darkfriends. They were created by Aes Sedai in the books, and by one specific Aes Sedai (Latra) in the show. We meet selfish or short-sighted or even cruel Wise Ones and clan chiefs, but I don't think any of them are ever shown to be Darkfriends.

One thing that is likely certain is that no one is allowed to be a clan chief if they don't have Aiel blood (and it probably has to be the father's blood, due to how the columns appear to work). Wise Ones... might be more flexible. Difficult to say. I imagine that adopting from outside the Aiel is pretty uncommon -- I suspect that Melindhra and Tigraine will be shown to be exceptions rather than a general rule -- so it likely doesn't come up much.

They don't mention here that gai'shain only serve for a year and a day, but I am currently assuming that it's still true because... I mean, you'd end up with a pretty large portion of your people who are gai'shain.

Lan's Aiel nickname honestly makes so much more sense to me in the context of Melindhra being a Malkieri child adopted by a Wise Ones and them having more awareness of Lan and what happened to Malkier. In the books, we never really get a reason why they admire him so much.

The Rand & Aviendha scenes were such a delight in this episode! Hopefully we'll get more of them interacting in 3x05, though I'm hoping that it's the Randgwene break-up episode, so we might not have time for much Avirand, because all sorts of other plotlines will be going on with the Two Rivers and with Tanchico (and I think I saw a hint of the White Tower in the trailer too, so four different main plotlines and locations).

If Rand & Egwene do break up in 3x05, then we might get another good moment like this one between Rand & Aviendha in 3x06, since I'm kinda expecting us to get the attack on Cold Rocks Hold in that episode ("the shadow in the night" sounds like a good name for that event) and Aviendha & Rand do get a moment there in the books. I think the show would keep it around the same level as they got in this episode, since the Randgwene breakup (fingers crossed) would still be pretty fresh, but the way this episode separated Rand & Egwene made me feel hopeful for a sooner rather than later break up (well, it's still kinda later, since we're already in the second half of the season, but you know what I mean).

The show leaning hard on Rand & Aviendha both having a duty to the Aiel people. And as we saw with Rand & Moiraine, going to Rhuidean can help bridge gaps, which we already saw a hint of in the final Rand & Aviendha scene.

And the cords of duty are something that Rand, Aviendha, and Elayne can all share -- we had that scene with Elayne and Rand in 3x01, and Elayne also told Aviendha that she did believe that Rand would accept his duty to her people, and she encouraged Rand along that path as well. So, if we get s4, it really does feel like we could see Avirandlayne coming together naturally as Elayne helps Rand adjust to wetlander political rule, as Aviendha continues to help with Aiel cultural knowledge.

I mentioned a caveat to the whole "the Taardad seem the most invested in the Car'a'carn in the show" thing in my other post and it's about the Maidens, of course. The Maidens, as a society, also have a huge reason to be extremely invested in having the Car'a'carn be found. In having a son of a Maiden finally return to them. I do hope that they'll go into that in either 3x05 or 3x06 (I will cry if we get the Maidens telling Rand that they want to carry his honor).

I wonder if we're going to have a lot fewer Wise Ones than we had in the books (where the Shaido alone had something like two hundred who could channel?). I think I read that the number of Aiel clans is eight now (which matches how many Aes Sedai it takes to shield & gentle even the strongest male channeler)? So that's only eight men at a time who have gone through the columns. They may have also cut down on the number of Wise Ones per clan so that the numbers aren't quite so disproportionate to each other. That's a lot fewer people to carry the legacy of the Aiel's past than we have in the books. And it'll be a much stronger break when Rand reveals that past to everyone.

Do we know if Aram is in the next episode? I am really wondering when we're going to get our present-day follow-up to Lewin breaking the Way of the Leaf -- will it be in the next episode, during Perrin's 'daring rescue' (as said in the summary for 3x05) or will it be in 3x07 (Goldeneyes, where we are getting the Battle of the Two Rivers)?

Because we have some kidnapped girls (Mat's sisters) and we have Perrin, who wants to save them without hurting anyone. For Lewin, it wasn't possible to save them without death. There is no salvation without destruction. How will it go for Perrin? Will there be a cost?

And Ila, who is Aram's grandmother... how closely will her reaction to Aram be to the way that Adan and Lewin's mother react to him here?

How much is the show going to break our hearts over Aram?

I do think introducing more genetic diversity to the Aiel that we see really helps combat the weird "generational servant" vibe that Jordan brought to the da'shain Aiel in the books (which... was it intentional? Jordan never really does enough with it for me to be certain). In the show, it's not that redheads specifically were all servants, it's that of the dedicated Aiel who left at Latra's request, at least one of the main bloodlines that survived to make it to the Waste were redheads, because they went though a couple of harsh population bottlenecks to get there.

The show making it so that the male Aes Sedai of the Age of Legends dressed primarily in black just feels so !!! when it comes to Rand designing the Asha'man uniform later on. Whether he realizes it or not, he's dressing them like Aes Sedai. (I can't remember if this is also a book thing or not)

Aaah, this long moment when Aviendha stares into Rand's eyes before she looks away and gets up to leave. The tension between them. It's so perfect.

That's really all I have for additional book spoiler thoughts. Most of it I could cover without needing them.

[rhube]

This is broadly where I'm coming from with my convin fics. Like, I don't think we have to take into account all the possible scenarios as part of Connor's personality in the specific fic you're writing. We're given the option to play Connor a bunch of different ways and player decisions inform what he's like at least as much as the writing. I've never had him do anything really creepy with the bodies in the Archive Room and you don't have to. Nevertheless, at his softest version, Connor is still a badass who can be hard and even go a little too far at times, and I really love to see that come out in fics.

(this is a nitpick - apologies, philosophy nerd.) I also disagree with the idea that he's not conscious simply because he isn't deviant in the break room scene. From my perspective as a philosopher of mind (yes, I know, annoying - but no one has to go by what I think makes sense; I'm just informed), the personal growth androids demonstrate simply isn't possible if they aren't already conscious. The game (which gets very handwavy any time it touches on the philosophical of cognitive) doesn't really give a lot of detail about what deviancy is and how it occurs, and tbh, I think that's to the benefit for the fandom and fic writers.

Personally, I tend to write that scene as it not being in Connor's best interest to fight back, but he's still affronted, and possibly hurt in ways he's not yet able to understand. The idea that androids don't feel pain or emotion before they deviate is deeply implausible to me. Pain is just the body's way of notifying you that something is wrong, and I truly believe that any system sophisticated enough to be conscious would not be able to process notifications the way we see in game, in a 'mind palace' - like, in philosophy we call that the Cartesian Theatre, and it's been thoroughly debunked for well over a hundred years. It doesn't make sense of our actual experiences of consciousness (don't have time or energy to go into all the reasons why, look into the homunculus fallacy if you want, or do a search on the moonwalking bear - both articulate good reasons why our conscious experience is nothing like that).

My cat is destroying my dining room now so I have to stop. I had more. You're probably relieved.

reed800 > reed900 and the mischaracterization of connor

I never understood people’s affinity for reed900 over reed800, and all the reasonings I’ve heard for it never make sense to me. Just to be clear, this post isnt meant to attack anybody who ships reed900, I’ve watched Detroit evolution alright. I fucked with it heavy. I’ve got a solid three Reed900 fics in my ao3 bookmarks. I have credentials. Don’t come for me.

Anyway, I will always prefer Connor and Gavin’s dynamic over a Nines and Gavin hypothetical one. I feel like the reason people don’t like covnin is because they often misinterpret Connor’s character, I see this amongst convin shippers too, not just people who dislike the ship. 

I keep hearing the argument that “Gavin hates Connor, and Connor doesn’t stand up for himself. Nines would be more cold, which matches Gavin’s personality.” This is probably the shittiest take I’ve ever heard. The DBH fandom tends to see Connor as meek. Because of this, they think he’s vulnerable to Gavin’s hostility, which is just not true. When we’re introduced to Gavin, he’s antagonistic towards Connor right of the bat. Connor, in order to keep the peace, remains professional. This is because initially, it’s not in Connor’s interest/programming to disobey or disrupt humans. He prefers to move along, focus on the mission and ignore unnecessary distractions. However, when Gavin persists, when the android being interrogated is about to self destruct, Connor has the choice to physically stop the officer from restraining it and he does, defying Gavin in the process as well. Connor does not care about Gavin’s human authority in this case, he only cares about what he knows to be true and sticking to his objective. 

Now you may bring up the breakroom scene in which Gavin punches Connor, Connor just seems to let it happen despite it being a direct physical attack and not just an offhand comment. I hate when people bring this up because at this time, Connor was not deviant yet. He did not develop enough consciousness/deviancy to actively choose to defend himself. Again, in order to move things along and cause the least ruckus possible, he takes it. I’ve also heard arguments that Connor “pretends” to be hurt in order to seem subservient to Gavin to make it seem like he’s not fighting back against a human. I like that theory! 

People also seem to forget that when things directly misalign with his mission, Connor is quick to go against anybody, even humans, who stand in the way. Have people forgotten what Connor did to Gavin in the archive room? He beat the living shit out of him, incapacitated him, and walked off with a final tie adjustment as if it was nothing. This is the Connor who you’re calling meek, the one who pretended to be the Traci’s dead girlfriend to get to Jericho. The one who sampled Markus’ voice to take advantage of beaten down Simon’s loyalty. The one who nagged Hank to rent Traci’s until the lieutenant humiliatedly obliged. The one who chased Kara and a child down a highway. The one who gets himself killed multiple times just to accomplish his mission. The one who sarcastically told Gavin he’d “miss their bromance.” PLEASE. 

All of this is to make a point for a romantic/sexual dynamic between Connor and Gavin that actually puts them as equals. Where we get the good ending with deviant Connor, androids having rights, Gavin being forced into sensitivity training and actually learn to see androids as people (we love the Gavin Reed Redemption tag). None of that degrading convin bullshit where Connor puts up with Gavin’s bigotry and thinks “I can fix him!” Where Gavin actually takes responsibility for his own behavior and slowly learns to change his outlook. 

Connor would not shut up to Gavin’s insults. He’d push back just as hard, sarcastic and sardonic in his own way. He’d spit some sort of off putting logical roast at Gavin to hurt his feelings, psychoanalyzing him to a T. They’d have amazing back and forth, banter fuelled with sexual tension, actual physical fights, prolonged angry eye contact, pinning down and grabbing dangerously close to certain areas. Connor beginning to warm up to Gavin’s hostility, being smart, seeing past it, knowing it’s a cover up for something more raw and vulnerable. Gavin starting to think “Maybe he’s not so bad” to “he’s funny” to “he’s pretty fucking hot” to “shit maybe I like him”. DO WE NOT SEE THE VISION!! 

anyways I need to convert more people to like convin. yeah you can make your case for reed900 but they will never have as much chemistry as convin and not nearly as much hatefuck potential. thank you for reading. 

[princessofghosts-posts]

Do you have any headcanons for Solangelo??

Since Will is a year-round camper he doesn't have much money on him,and when he wanted something he usually couldn't afford it. After starting their relationship,Nico always bought him whatever he wanted (it was usually something about his medical profession). And while at the start Will was uncomfortable with it,he later on realized that Nico wasn't going to stop so he just accepted his fate.

Nico didn't have people to care for,and that loved him,for a very long time. So when he started dating Will,he made sure that he could always be comfortable with him. He also loves to spoil him because he want Will to be happy and want him to never feel restricted by their life.

Even tho he is the Head Medic and usually heal whoever ends up hurt,when it cames to people that tried to talk shit about Nico or one of his sibling,Will make sure the healing process is long,hard and hurting. He is very protective of his loved ones.

Nico took the habit to help Will around the infirmary when he's stressed or really busy,so he can be there for him if there are some problems and they still can spend time together. Will always appreciate him doing so,because it's mean that Nico is comfortable enough to go out of his comfort zone for him.

Nico likes to give Will gifts in random days. It doesn't matter if it's a birthday,a celebration,their anniversary,an importan date or a normal day,Nico will still buy him a pretty gift because he wants Will to have good things.

When Nico has some political matters to attend,as either the Prince of the Underworld,the Ambassador of Pluto or the Ghost King,Will usually goes with him. During these times,he picked up a bit of politics and Nico always listen to him when he give some advice. Strange enough he is never wrong and his intuition help Nico a lot in the meetings.

Since Will wanted his siblings to bond with his boyfriend,he organized some outings and a couple of trips for all of them together. While the 3 never disliked each others,they also weren't that much close. His plan was a success,but Kayla and Austin spent the time being chaotic and dragging Nico into their shenanigas. Will was so done with them.

Parallel to that,when Nico and Will visit Hazel a Camp Jupiter,Nico make sure to leave the two a couple of times alone to have them bonding. They pass the time talking about their favorite books and authors,and Nico is always happy to see them interact together.

After Nico started to buy infirmary supplies,Will started to accompany him (when he could) in almost all of his trips. He spend most of the time speaking about certain medical equipment with passion and happiness. He doesn't realize it yet,but whatever supplies he touch,talks or get excited about,will always be bought.

Nico is extremely attentive to other people mood and can read their body language well. He can understand when Will get a little anxious or doesn't feel well in just a couple of seconds. He is the first one to act on it and make sure that he feels alright. For this reason,Nico is Will comfort person.

Will is extremely protective of Nico when it cames to quests or wars. He know that his boyfriend can take care of himself,but when he see an enemy or monster a little bit to close to him or actually get him,he just loose it. Nico witnessed a couple of times Will having a crash out in those moments and he doesn't want to add numbers to it: Will can be scary.

Will loves criminology,psychology and philosophy. There are a lot of books in his cabin about those topics (most of them are bought by Nico) and he is quite passionate by them. Nico always make sure to listen when he talks about his hobbies and sometimes give him an opinion on them. Will is happy that he is interested in them too.

On Halloween they spend time traveling to an hunted house to another and a couple of asylum too,sometimes Kayla,Austin and Hazel joins them,but they are usually alone. Because of Nico's connection to the death,the houses (if they are really hunted) spirits respond to his presence. This give Will all the time in the world to ask whatever question he needs about their death.

Connected to the previous one,Will is really interested in analyzing criminals and killers's minds and how their psychology works. When Nico found out he was a bit speechless,other than him and Hazel no one else were interested in the dead,they were pretty much feared. But,no matter the strange hobby,he still supported him.

Nico can play the violin,he learned when he was still living in Venice by a a music teacher,but he almost never use it anymore. When Will found out about this,he begged his boyfriend to play the violin for him,and even reluctantly,Nico still agreed. For Will. Sometimes he play (when Will ask him if he can),but only when they are alone in his cabin.

Will doesn't know much about Bianca because Nico doesn't usually talk about her. But there are moments,especially her death anniversary,where he just start to pour out everything crying. Will make sure to held him in those moments and be there for him after. He never knew her but seeing Nico so hurt make him feel hurt too.

Micheal and Lee aren't as a much as a taboò that Bianca is,but Will usually never talk much about them. The infirmary's magazine has some broken or old supplies that he never throw out because they were bought by them. Nico wasn't around much at the time,but still remember two son of Apollo helping around in the infirmary. When Will has his moments about their deaths,Nico is closer by to comfort him.

As a son of Hades,Nico is able to summons ghosts or go directly to the source. He tried to find in the Fields or in Elysium Will's brothers a couple of times,because he wanted him to have closure,something that he never had. He never found them,and he couldn't even summon their ghosts. They also went for Rebirth like Bianca. Nico never told Will any of his attemps.

Kayla and Austin adore Nico as their brother-in-law,he usually buy them stuff too when he goes shopping and sometimes even bought them a couple of gifts. Half of the Apollo cabin is full of expensive things: music albums of any genres,musical struments,merchandising of whatever things they like,and some autographs from famous singers. Will is extremely greatful to Nico,because he makes sure that his siblings never had to worry about financial problems when it cames to things they like.

When Hazel came to visit,she always bought a couple of gifts for Will. The gifts are usually about the books he likes and want to read,but she also make sure to put a couple of medical herbs that are difficult to obtain,a lot of unicorn draught and nectar,scrolls about the new medicals treatments from Camp Jupiter and a couple of gemstone. Nico is really happy that his sister took her time to gather all of this for Will,both aware that he would use everything for the infirmary.

They usually spend a small amount of days (2 weeks) during summer and winter travelling around,in tourist attractions,during the holidays. Their favorite locations are: Barcelona,Dublin,London,Amsterdam and Vienna,Rio de Janeiro and Laos. Nico's favorite is London,while Will prefer Amsterdam.

Hades doesn't really care about their relationship,he is just glad that his son found out someone that loved him and was going to stay with him. Apollo on the other hand visit his children on weekends and ask Will about his relationship. Will spend the time talking about the things they did during the week,while his dad listen. Nico doesn't know anything about this.

Naomi has a neutral opinion on Nico,she doesn't know him that much since her son visit her only a couple of times,but he is a great kid. And if he is the one her son choose,then it's mean the boy is a good and sweet person. She never had the time to full get to know him unfortunately,but trusted her son judgment and was supportive. Persephone on the other hand,asks Nico about his relationship and gave him advices when it cames to certain issues. She is supportive of them,but sometimes embarrass Nico with her suggestions.

Once they will go out of Camp Half-blood they will buy an apartment in a nice and calm city. With Nico's infinite credit cards they won't have economic problems so Will can apply into college or university there,with a medical course,because he wanst to be a surgeon. Nico,on the other hand,prefer to continue working for his dad.

[war-in-time]

It's insane that you can't criticise this book when honestly? Haymitch being a cocky get who gets humbled in the worst way possible for making a crucial mistake would be a much more impactful story imo.

The problem I have with sotr is that we know absolutely nothing about his family. He barely talks about them and they weren't mentioned in the epilogue. THAT screams lazy. Especially because he was on good terms with oh idk the woman who RAISED HIM??and him losing his family was such an important part to his character.

If you criticise this book, you're called "immature.", "falling for Capitol propaganda," "Too old for Suzanne Collins." (what)

I personally am in the YA age group (14) and I still have all of these issues and was let down. It's like people think that kids can't call out bad writing or have opinions on books.

You are actually exactly the perspective I was hoping to get, someone who is the target audience for this book. I’ve never been part of the target audience for a single book in this series, the first Hunger Games book came out when I was 8, bosas came out when I was 20, and now sotr has come out while I’m 25. Since the original books are a bit older I was wondering if Collins would write this one with an older audience in mind, letting the work grow with the fanbase. She did not and it sounds like it isn’t even believable for YA readers.

I’ll tell you right now first hand: there is no such thing as being too young or too old for any book. It’s kind of like how you can still watch old Disney movies as an adult and notice new things you didn’t as a kid but still enjoy the movie regardless. Books are much the same way, I was able to read the Hunger Games when I was younger and enjoy it. I’ve reread it as an adult and yes still enjoyed it, but also picked up on things I hadn’t realized the first time around. One of the things I noticed on my recent reread is that the book is very obviously written from a 16 year old girls pov, which isn’t a bad thing and it’s a clear indication of how she thinks, but as an adult it does feel cringy at points (just a part of aging I guess).

All of that being said, yes let’s talk about Haymitch’s mom and brother. We are told very early from the start of sotr that Haymitch is relatively close with Sid, and he sometimes helps out his mom, but outside of that I truly don’t know anything about them. We spend so little time with his family it’s actually very hard to believe that they’re close despite being told repeatedly that they’re close, and he doesn’t once think about them while he’s in the arena. Haymitch’s thoughts are far more often on Lenore than his own little brother who doesn’t even understand the games, Sid is 8 and very clearly confused when Haymitch gets reaped.

As a side note: was there really any true reason to change the reaping? It was to add conflict sure but would it not have been just traumatizing enough for Haymitch to think he was safe and had a nice meal waiting for him back home just to be picked? It gives poor conflict creation and the entire scene of him saving~ Lenore from a peacekeeper came out very muddled and actually confusing to read.

I talked about age a good fair bit earlier because I wanted to relate it to all of their deaths. Haymitch by all intents and purposes should be a lot more upset about his families deaths than Lenore’s. He has every reason to be upset by her death immediately after it happens, but there is nothing that can convince me anyone would hold on to their childhood romance for more then 25 years. I had my own high school romance at 17 and I promise you the ‘love’ you feel at 16 is very shallow. Sotr reads like a high school romance, there is nothing organic or deep about it and it’s not even remotely comparable to what we can believe exists between Katniss and Peeta.

Let’s be real, what Katniss had with Peeta was a trauma bond that developed into actually caring about him. The guy I dated in high school never crossed my mind past the age of 20. You know what has hung over my head for 23 years though? My father almost dying when I was a child and I remember him on his death bed. I was 2 and every now and again I’ll just remember out of nowhere that I could have grown up without my father, and it’s terrifying. It’s why Katniss blowing up after Prim’s death makes sense, why her mom went into a deep depression when her husband died, family ties are all so much stronger than a fleeting romance.

Haymitch reacts to his families deaths instantly in the moment when it happens, but for the next 25+ years he somehow only thinks about Lenore? It’s not only bad writing it’s also unrealistic. No adult in his 40’s should be pining over a childhood crush. Haymitch never needed to find love after the war was over, but he did need peace and that was one thing Collins refused to give him in his own book. It actually made me think of him as pathetic for holding onto her so fiercely but his family was less than an afterthought.

I knew from the second that Lenore was mentioned having geese in sotr that the only semblance of peace Haymitch had in the original epilogue would get torn away from him and I was right. Instead of Haymitch making the decision to have something to take care of and nurture (because this man would be too scarred from mentoring kids to their deaths to ever settle down and have a baby) his geese get turned into another reminded of his very long dead ex.

Would it have been so hard to just write that maybe his mother raised geese and that was why Haymitch got them? Because they were familiar and he wanted to hold onto the woman that raised him by raising something of his own? I guess it was because we got a scientifically wrong analogy about geese mating for life: they don’t. Geese only stay mated so long as they’re both alive, if one dies the other will find a new mate within the same breeding season.

I would advise you to save your energy when it comes to people online. Actually especially people online. You can usually have a descent and relatively civil argument about a topic in person because there is no anonymity to hide behind so people actually have to watch their words, but online? They’ll switch to personal insults instead of actually focusing on the topic of argument. You said people have called you too old for the books (ironic since you’re the actual age group meant for these), falling for the capital propaganda, and immature., those are all personal insults because they can’t find any in text citations to dispute what you are criticizing. It’s childish and it’s also one of the first things I learned in my degree: you can throw around any words that you want but without proof you’re just shouting into the wind. An argument needs to be objectively built on facts, otherwise it’s an opinion. You can have any opinion that you want about anything, but it won’t make that thing true.

[dannydoesthisthing27]

I need Huxley to come back. I was relistening to the bowling audio a few days ago, and he was so sweet and nervous around everyone. (except Gavin, which I found very interesting, and I will talk about that in a different post at some point). I think Huxley is another one of those characters that's taken at face value really easily. Yes, he has characteristics of a stereotypical himbo but he's not a dumb jock. Even just in that very first audio, he almost immediately clocked Freelancer as in distress. Personally, I think that's impressive because my FL has a pretty good poker face when they're upset. He literally offered to just go dig holes with them. No pressure to talk or even do anything. He just noticed they weren't totally ok and wanted to try and help. When he realized that they were human born, he explained in the best way he knew how, without patronizing them or acting superior because he had an empowered background. Lil stick bro is forever the best explanation Erik has given for empowered peoples cores /hj. He genuinely just wanted to try and explain so they could understand what had just happened to them. ALSO the way he reacted when they said Kody bridged with them, despite the fact that they weren't really friends at that point. The ending of that audio is one of my favorites ever because not only does he offer to WALK THEM HOME/TO THEIR CAR. He also asks to give them his number. Huxley left everything to FL from the start, and it makes me smile so hard every time I go back and listen to those first audios again.

Also, let's not forget that Huxley is pretty much the reason David is still around. During the inversion, Hux was the only one that had the strength to get David down to the underground healing areas. Huxley stayed more level-headed than pretty much everyone during that night until Damien got hurt. In the post inversion audios, you can see that Huxleys walls came back up. He was so cautious, and I think it was a great portrayal of how an event like that could affect a character that's typically very positive and high energy. The first audio with Hux, Damien, Lasko, and FL together for the first time after the inversion also shows how they all are trying to find normalcy again really well. In that audio, Huxley is again displayed as being the anchor of the group and the one that keeps everyone else a little calmer.

Huxley now is working a job he enjoys (to the best of our knowledge I think he works a lot, but it's something he likes). He and Damien have been together for almost 3 years. He doesn't fear being too much anymore because he knows his family can take all of him. Huxley seems like the kind of person that would stay in contact with the people that were on his team at D.A.M.N, so I headcannon that a handful of them hang out together. He, Lasko, and FL have a DnD campaign going, and none of them have been able to get their partners to join. They all tried at one point or another, but it ended up just being one shots. Huxley goes on weekly hikes with Dear and FL. He and Gav go to the gym every other day.(Gavin actually loves doing human workouts, plus it's kind of like ambient feeding when people are ogling the two of them). He takes Damien on picnic dates, and they go stargazing a lot at the clearings they hike to. He leaves sticky notes around as a reminder to take breaks or eat because sometimes he forgets to when he's busy. He keeps dozens of plants in and around the house. His favorite is a monstera his mom's gifted him when he graduated high school. It's his oldest plant he still has. He also grows peace lily's for Lasko, creeping fig for Gavin, Boston fern for FL, caladium for Dear, and chrysanthemums for Damien.

I'm going to talk about appearance headcanons and a few picrews I've made of Huxly/Damien below the cut :>

Huxley has stretch marks across his hips, shoulders, back, and thighs. When you get as big as he is, and I headcanon him as at least 6'7, you inevitably have stretch marks. I also think that he's got plenty of scars everywhere, he plays sports yk? Again, it's just bound to happen with the territory. I think he has several tattoos, most of them are on the bigger side. Across his left shoulder and chest, he has a detailed tree and pond scene with lotus flowers. On his back, he has a manta ray (unintentionally matching with the stingray that Dear has on their back), and on his right leg, he has the plants he grows for each of the crew.

This is a picrew I made a while back of Hux and Damien. It's not totally accurate to how I see them, but it's pretty close, so I figured I'd put it here

(Huxley on the left, Damien on the right)

(Damien is deaf in his left ear from a childhood accident. I also think his hair and skin are a little darker, but the picrew didn't have a skin tone option I thought worked well enough.)

[bring-mai-flowers]

Mai and Azula – Twin Snakes

ASHES OF THE ACADEMY MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD UNDER THE CUT

The main theme explored in Ashes of the Academy is how censorship and toxic nationalist values are imposed upon the young girls of the Royal Fire Academy, and how it impacts their relationships with each other. The main relationship that is explored here is the friendship between Mai and Azula, who in my opinion, have one of the most underrated and nuanced relationships in the whole show. Two girls on the wrong side of the war with different motivations. Mai’s ultimate betrayal of Azula at the Boiling Rock has surprised and perplexed viewers for years, and I think Ashes of the Academy *tries* to shine a little bit of light into their complex and murky relationship, and also seems to point towards a bigger plot for Azula.

Whether or not Mai and Azula were ever friends is something that keeps me up at night. Some fans over the years have guessed that Mai’s father, Ukano, is the main reason that Mai is part of Azula’s inner circle-- something that is confirmed in Ashes.

Ukano is the one who pressures Mai into this friendship despite her reservations. Azula’s cruel actions are immediately off-putting to Mai, but she obeys her father. They don’t really become “friends,” but rather, Mai’s knife throwing abilities recommend her to Azula as an asset. In my opinion, they both seem well aware of the circumstances surrounding their “friendship.”

After that we see a few instances of Azula being cruel to their other friends, and her manipulation eventually results in two girls having an Agni Kai. Mai initially believes that the fight won’t happen because Hong and Peijing (the other girls) are friends, and that the headmistresses will interfere and put a stop to the fighting—which they do not.

Once the fight is over, the headmistress asks the girls what the takeaway lesson is, and this is Azula’s response.

These flashbacks show us that in hindsight, Mai and Azula were destined to have a rocky friendship because of the values they learned at the Royal Fire Academy. (DOOMED FROM THE START I’M SICK) Do I think this means they were never friends? No. Personally, I think it would be impossible to hang out with someone for so many years and not have any meaningful moments together. I think they were friends to a certain degree, but did not hold deep affection and care for each other. But honestly between both of their emotional repression it can be hard to tell. I’ve gone back and forth over it a lot. They’re both clever, and I think were aware that their friendship was always going to be weakened by the fact that it’s based on their ulterior motives. This results in the events of The Boiling Rock and Azula’s eventual paranoid breakdown.

Not only are the girls a product of the academy, but they are a product of their HORRIBLE fathers. Ukano and Ozai are the ultimate orchestrators, and I see too many criticisms projected onto the girls rather than these absolute rats. Their fathers mold them into an extremely harmful pairing.

We see Ukano intimidating Mai into obedience by telling her she needs to befriend powerful people for her protection. He teaches her to comply with those in power.

Ozai on the other hand has a lot of political, military, and firebending power that he uses against people. Wielding power is a behavior he teaches and REQUIRES of Azula.

Mai is taught to comply with power, Azula is taught how to use it. They are both manipulated by their fathers, and are both products of the Fire Nation and the Royal Academy for Girls. So how have they ended up in such different places?

First, Ozai is leaps and bounds worse than Ukano. Ukano is a cowardly little rat man, but is nowhere near Ozai’s level of cruelty and abuse. We see how he treats Zuko and Azula. We are shown throughout the show how evil of a man he is. Azula has much deeper wounds, and has a much longer journey back to redemption.

Secondly, and most importantly, Mai has Zuko (and Ty Lee!). Whether you ship Maiko or not, whether you think they’re endgame or not, it is canonically true that at one point they really cared about each other. It always frustrates me when people claim that “Mai never really feared Azula” because it completely undermines the intentions of both Mai AND Azula. Mai IS afraid of and intimidated by Azula, because she’s been taught to be. Azula DOES want Mai to be afraid of her, because fear and power are her insurance against betrayal. When Mai ultimately decides that her love for Zuko is more powerful AND more important than her fear of Azula, everything crumbles. In my opinion, this is Mai’s revelation and her turning point. This is the act that mentally breaks her out of the toxicity of the Fire Nation, the Academy, and her relationship with Azula. I think Ty Lee saving her by betraying Azula in turn immediately reinforces this revelation, because she sees firsthand how true friendship (or love for my MaiLee shippers out there!) can overcome fear.

For Azula on the other hand, this is her undoing. She always tried to be powerful and fearsome so that she would always be able to overcome anyone who betrayed her. In my opinion, the actual act of being betrayed by Mai is not what shocks Azula, but rather the pain it causes her. The fact that she has spent her whole life trying to grow powerful and fearsome enough to be above the possibility and pain of betrayal and ultimately fails?? This leads to her unravelling. The power and values instilled in her are not enough to protect her from pain, even though they seemed to be enough before. There’s also the compounding betrayals of her mother, father, Iroh, Zuko, and pretty much everyone else that destroy her. Azula analysis is so complex I can’t even begin to do it justice here. I am depending and COUNTING ON a good Azula story in the future because she is so tragic and is overdue for her story.

Between the two, I think Mai is simply luckier with her circumstances and relationships. To me, this parallels Zuko’s relationship with Azula as well. He is able to learn and heal because he had Iroh, and I think the same can be said for Mai. To me, that is why she can accept these new values and have a desire for change much quicker than Azula. Do I think her changed worldview absolves her of wrongdoing? NOOOOOO!!! Despite the material that’s given to her, Mai is a complex character who is unlearning years of compliance and deeply instilled values. Not many people have ever really valued her as a person, and she is coping (badly) with the effects of that. Ukano’s involvement does not free her from blame, and I think Mai herself is still wrestling with her past actions. By agreeing to be a teacher, she is trying to help undo the harm that she caused, and the harm that was done to her.

The story has a hopeful ending with Mai finding something that gives her a sense of intrinsic fulfillment and value. Something that will hopefully help her heal from years of being used by other people. I can only hope Azula’s turn will be next.

Overall, I think Ashes of the Academy was trying to give us insight into several of the other factors that shaped Mai’s and Azula’s friendship, which it does… to a certain extent. In my opinion, all of the grace extended to Mai in this comic is grace that should also be extended to Azula in future material. I am deeply hopeful that they are trying to set up an eventual redemption for Azula, although the path is rocky so far, and they seem determined to heap tragedy on Azula with every new comic. Ashes takes several unnecessary whacks at Azula in my opinion, and then on the next page is soft on Mai. I can’t tell if this is on purpose and they are doing Azula SO dirty, or if the comments about her are coming off harsher than intended.

All things considered; I enjoyed the comic, but I think it really only scratches the surface. The Mai/Azula puzzle is very captivating to me and is one that I’ll probably think about until the end of time. Their relationship is twisted, and they’ve both caused extremely deep harm to each other. They’re both secretive and calculated, and their stories mirror each other’s in many ways. I think there’s SO much to explore there, but the comic barely takes us there. Mai is a more nuanced character than people give her credit for, and I wish that the comic went a little deeper. But considering that normally we never get Mai content… it was hard not to be excited about any content for her.

[fayewoodss]

if you're able to, could you list all of georges nd/autistic traits?

Yes, yes, of course! This will probably get long so I'm going to put a break in it.

Also, before we dive into it, this is again just my own observations as an autistic person and someone who researches autism a lot. Autism is a spectrum, which is why it's called Autism Spectrum Disorder, so many people on the spectrum can and will present traits in different ways and differing levels of frequency/severity. I'm a high masking autistic with low support needs in some areas of my life, and higher needs in others, but that has changed throughout my adult life, so when I talk about what I see in George, note that some things may be more/less noticeable depending on time.

I've talked about some of the things I'm going to mention before

(I think you and most people interested in gautism theorizing know this, but misinformation and stigma about autism is really rampant, so I like to cover my bases.)

Socialization

One of the main traits in autistic people is difficulty socializing with peers. They often miss social cues, struggle with deciphering emotions, and overall find it difficult to make and maintain friends. A lot of these leads to the assumption that autistic people are rude and unempathetic, among other things.

When George first started streaming, he was incredibly shy and anxious, having many boundaries around what he would show on camera (example: not drinking or eating on stream) and what he would read out loud from chat. Because of this, he would come off as cold or rude at times trying to maintain those boundaries and find the balance between his personal comfort and his career as an entertainer.

It's probably normal for a lot of people to be shy in front of a camera and an audience, but the socialization aspect of his career was clearly a challenging thing he had to grow into over time. It wasn't necessarily the idea of streaming or YouTube that was hard for him, because he's been making videos since before he was GeorgeNotFound, but handling a large audience that wanted to interact with him in real time was relatively new, and even led him to unlisting some videos as his audience grew.

I think the foot cam video is an example of this of something he was fine recording and uploading, thinking it was funny in the moment, but then as his audience grew larger and with it came more opinions, he eventually unlisted it. I obviously don't know ow his exact reason, but as an autistic person there are many instances where I post something I think it fun and silly, but then when it gets attention, whether positive or negative, I feel awkward about how I'm perceived and misunderstand how people are reacting to it. Seeing he went from playing Bedwars with his foot in full view to hiding his feet for years, I think it's a reasonable assumption to make.

Now, as he's become more comfortable with streaming and recording, loosening up certain boundaries and unmasking as time goes on, I do think there are still some things with socialization that fall into the traits and patterns of autism. I'll just list those out instead of a full break down:

Making offputting jokes or comments at inappropriate times

Misunderstanding others jokes and sarcasm and constantly asking for clarification (bonus: saying something isn't funny if he doesn't understand but everyone else does)

Taking things very literally and engaging in hypotheticals with a sincere/literal perspective

Struggling to make eye contact with people that he isn't close to

Even then, struggling to maintain contact with people he is close to (post on eye contact here)

Talking past people or over people instead of talking to them

Invading the personal space of others unknowingly or without thought, but getting upset when others invade his space

Often failing to recognize the emotions of others and incidentally hurting them in the process

Difficulty apologizing despite feeling remorse

Difficulty identifying, understanding, and communicating his emotions

Using strange vocabulary in conversations (Constant use of video game phraseology like "loot" and "despawn," as well as using large, "fancy" words at odd times)

Scripting out conversations, especially in anticipation for unplanned interaction (most recently seen in his fishing streams where he outright says he scripts conversations in case other fishermen speak to him)

Difficulty making and keeping friends outside of his very small social circle

I'm sure there are more things I could list here, as well as give more specific examples for some. If I have the time in the future, I may compile clips of certain instances, but unfortunately a lot of old clips I had on tiktok are now deleted.

I do think with George opening up a lot more recently about how he thinks and feels about a lot of things, it helps to provide more context for a lot of past behaviors and social interactions. I think a lot of late diagnosed and high masking people often feel awkward and insecure about their social behavior without knowing why, and while George doesn't know why beyond just being anxious, he is consistently questioning his interactions and socialization.

Functioning

George's difficulties with executive function and caring for himself often come under a lot of scrutiny and get boiled down to him just being lazy. While I don't think this is a fully unprecedented opinion, I think it fails to recognize how George's difficulty with functioning both in his personal life and his work life aren't new problems that arose in 2023/2024.

First off, pre-career, we know that while he was a relatively good student, he ended up dropping out during his A-Levels and needing to redo them. His primarily struggled with motivation and lack of interest rather than not understanding the material. He eventually went back and did them, but it seemed to take family involvement to push him to do that.

At the beginning of his career, George lived with his family still despite having graduated college. Many young adults after college might move back home and the average age of children officially moving out falls between 24-26, so it's not completely unheard of, but it is more common for autistic people to live with their parents for longer. On top of that, we know that he had very limited work experience after school and struggled with self motivation.

After moving to his flat, this is where we all witnessed a decline in his mental health, and to an extent his physical health. He was very depressed, struggling to consistently feed himself or maintain a proper sleep schedule, and in many ways isolated himself outside of obligations with work. There are many factors that went into this, like the struggle in getting his Visa, but the move from living with assistance to living alone clearly had a drastic negative impact on him, even if he was creating content.

Moving forward to today, while he clearly has better personal routines and habits, benefitting from living with others, his work does suffer from issues with executive dysfunction. I won't go into a full breakdown of other reasons for lack of content, but from his own explanation in his Twitter stream, it's clear that executive dysfunction is a very real problem for him. I'll list out more specifics on his functioning routines and struggles within them:

Struggling to complete tasks on his own

Inability to motivate himself, often requiring someone to work with him or provide a body double to focus

Overcomplicating tasks and spending more time thinking about an idealized outcome than working

Overthinking tasks related to work and assuming the failure would be inevitable, so he ultimately decides not to pursue the tasks

Unorganized or nonexistent schedules both in his personal life and work life (poor and inconsistent sleep schedule and not following any kind of stream/upload schedule)

Troubles with making decisions, self described "decision fatigue"

Easily overwhelmed by tasks both big and small

Sensory and Stimulation

I've shared a lot about this already, so I will first link my previous posts on observations of this behavior. These do go a bit more into RPF headcanon territory, but since they are still grounded in observation, I feel it's fair to include them.

Sensory

Stimming

Overstimulation

Now, sharing more thoughts here.

Starting off with his reactions to sensory input. We've seen a fair share of him both struggling with sensory issues and also seeking out comforting sensory experiences. I think his sensory issues are a bit more prevalent at times because he's more prone to complaining, but here are several examples of sensory aversions I can think of right off the bat:

In the Glaive stream, he physically struggled with the volume of the music playing through one of the pairs of headphones (others commented on it being loud, but didn't have as extreme of a reaction as he did)

Struggling with other loud environments, especially areas where noise may be amplified or complex

Enjoying making loud noises himself, but not enjoying it when others do the same

Many food aversions, mostly due to textural elements (tomatoes, avocado, mushrooms, cinnamon, etc. some of which he has grown to tolerate or like, but clearly has a list of unsafe foods and struggles to try new foods)

Struggles with certain textures and often overreacts when handling said textures

Issues with personal space and touch that he does not initiate himself

Now for more sensory seeking behavior, or other sensory behaviors that aren't negative:

Wearing a lot of the same clothing items repeatedly or wearing clothing items of similar textiles, usually loose and soft, opting for elastic waistbands for pants more often than structured ones

Wearing only one specific style and brand of socks

Eating a lot of repeat meals or food items, limited palate (same with drinks)

Smelling things or bringing things to his nose/lips before interacting with them properly

Wearing headphones in public, often times not even listening to music but using them more for noise cancellation

A lot of sensory seeking is also tied in with stimming as stimming is seeking stimulation via different sensory inputs, so everything I put previously was a bit more passive sensory seeking while stimming will be things I observe as being more active or engaged. This is really only for organization purposes, so interpret any type of categorization how you'd like.

I don't have too much to add beyond my initial linked post about stimming, but I'll still provide a list of examples:

Dancing, rocking, and jumping are commonplace for him, sometimes appropriate to the situation, like jumping with Dream in the face reveal vlog, but other times done in a more self soothing way, like in the Sidemen's tag video where he is rocks and twists in place during the outro (and overall very fidgety and restless compared to the others in the video)

Showing great interest and excitement for finding and using fidget toys or tools with moving/mechanical parts with them

Hand flapping and waving

Lots of vocal stimming, often repeating sounds he enjoys (like with imitating his fishing rod) or repeating phrases or finding word associations for things he hears in games, movies, songs, etc. (as a recent example, in the "we are liars" stream he kept repeating the names of the cards)

Miscellaneous Traits

Funny voices and imitations along with his vocal stims

Special Interests and Hyperfixations

There is a difference between hyperfixations and special interests. Though most neurodivergent people likely know this, a lot of allistic and/or neurotypical social media will water down the meanings of the two and use them interchangeably, or use them to describe a normal interest of something. The key thing about both hyperfixations and special interests is that they are a lot more intense and obsessive in the interest and behavior around it, as opposed to a regular interest.

Hyperfixations are often a short lived but extremely intense interest that can bring both enjoyment but also dysfunction. It can spur obsessive thoughts that impede functioning and focus. While it can still be a source of joy, it can be overwhelmingly and consuming.

Special interests are typically long lasting and primarily observed as sources of enjoyment and expertise. It often becomes an important part of an autistic person's identity, but to a point where that person may find it difficult to engage in socialization that isn't around said interest. (Also an issue with hyperfixations.)

I would argue this one is a bit harder to observe. I think it's easier to observe possible special interests in George, more so because we can outwardly see joy and excitement through his interests and knowledge of them. Whereas it's harder to recognize if something is a hyperfixation without knowing his daily activities. Not that hyperfixations must be disruptive and negative by nature, but there's a line to walk between "new hobby" and "hyperfixation" that the internet forgets.

Possible Special Interests:

Harry Potter

Read the books a few times and then continued to listen to them in audiobook format every day for several years

Noted to have seen the movies enough times to have entire scenes memorized down to set design and props in the background (and able to recall it without visual aid)

Small collection of Harry Potter items, never displayed on camera but mentioned in passing, as well as receiving HP related gifts on camera

Debating chat on HP opinions on multiple occasions

Universal Studios livestream where he was in the HP section of the park and enjoying himself but also upset/annoyed that he wasn't able to do everything because of limitations and awkwardness with streaming

Minions

This one is a bit trickier because I feel his special interest in minions is more for the iconography than the world and story of the minions, but he has mentioned the movies and certain names and events from time to time.

Large collection of Minion related items, mostly fan gifts but still displayed and spoken about with care and knowledge

Universal Studios livestream where he spent a good chunk of time in the Minion section of the park, returning back to it for gimmicky food and a photo with the Minion mascots

Excitedly mentioning the Minion Cafe in a stream with Sapnap, and was annoyed they didn't go. (Halloween stream I think?)

Constant associations to Minions and Minion related items

Several Minions clothing items

Designer Sneaker Brands

Previously a reseller of Supreme and other designer brand sneakers

Knowledge of shoes and shoe brands, as well as designer trends

Shown to be very picky and particular of the designer sneakers he buys

Takes very good care of his designer shoes and what/where he will wear them for/to

I do also believe that Runescape may have been special interest for him at one point. He's talked about the mechanics of the game in depth, despite not playing in years. His sister would make Runescape-esque games for him to play with her. He bonded with Austin Show partially over a shared love and interest in Runescape. It's silly, but I would love to hear him open up about games that were important to him through most of his childhood/adolescence.

I don't have too much to add in terms of hyperfixations. I believe Dream is more prone to hyperfixations and hyperfixated behavior, but I am curious to see if fishing becomes a long term hobby of George's or if it is a hyperfixation. He clearly had enough of an intense interest to purchase a lot of expensive gear and research into it, but also has a long way to go in knowledge and skill of the sport, but also lake life and ecosystems.

He does have a lot of strange and random facts that I think could have been associated with past hyperfixations, such as catching, studying, and releasing frogs, bees, and other small creatures. His knowledge has waned, but he will still bring up the stories and the facts he does remember with great love and sentimentality

Other than that, I really don't have much to add in terms of hyperfixations, but I would love to hear what others may have observed as possibly hyperfixated behavior.

Poor and awkward posture

Awkward hand placement and gestures, as well as constantly holding his hands

Uncoordinated and clumsy movement

Walking on his toes and/or the balls of his feet

Atypical reactions and/or overreactions to things (in a broader sense outside of what I previously discussed)

Lack of personal volume control

Finding more connection or comfort in animals over people

Vast and seemingly random collection of facts and unrelated knowledge

Collecting random and often meaningless objects out of sentimentally for a moment or a person (and often trying to give it to said person, exhibiting penguin pebbling, and usually being met with rejection)

I will go ahead and end it there! I'm certain there is more I could add, and maybe in the future I'll go back and include direct links to certain clips and streams, but for now these are all my observations and descriptions of George's autistic traits and behaviors. Some of them also fit into a broad sense of neurodivergency, of course, so make of it what you will. I hope you enjoy these thoughts. :]

[zahri-melitor]

If you were to break the period since Flashpoint up into 3-4 eras, specifically based on how they handle Batfamily relationships with each other and the broader DC, how would you do it? (If such a question interests you.) Also, what dynamics would you highlight as shorthand for that era?

I've had a play around with it, and while I can break things down into more micro trends, there's really no reason not to use the New 52-Rebirth-Infinite Frontier breakdown for the post Flashpoint relationship differences.

If I were being picky, I'd probably start the current era at Joker War in 2020 rather than at Infinite Frontier proper as a better Batfamily marker in and of itself, but we're only talking a couple of months difference either way.

New 52 (2011-2016):

Basically, this is the 'characters don't feel like themselves' era, because the dynamics have so wildly shifted for almost everyone (Damian and Kate excepted). It's a period that feels extremely focused on everyone's relationships to Bruce in particular, with only one or maybe two other major interpersonal relationships shown outside of that.

So you see everyone generally grouped into pairs even during events. Jason mostly appears with Tim. Dick spends time with Damian or with Barbara. And so on. They don't get jumbled up together in different combinations much, or have opportunities where a bigger group are working together.

There is a pivot around mid 2014 in this era (around issues #30-34) that moves various Bat characters back to feeling like they have interpersonal relationships, rather than largely being satellites around Bruce: Robin Rises, the two Eternals, and Robin War in particular are the best examples of this. And a lot of that has to do with the fact Bruce from Zero Year onwards sort of stops being an active character in the broader books, as we transition into particularly Superheavy onwards.

But generally, a lot of this whole era feels really empty in terms of Batfamily relationships that are not with Bruce, and part of that is because it's so uncertain which ones we're expected to be assuming from Flashpoint still exist (and then with those assumptions often destroyed by writers contradicting each other), and part of it is that they don't really have proper crossovers until Batman Eternal. Sure, The Court of Owls and Death of the Family happen before them, but both are heavily focused on Bruce and simultaneously keep everyone from interacting with each other much.

In terms of how the Batfamily reads: it feels VERY pared down. Only Bruce, Dick, Jason, Tim, Damian and Babs are relevant, and Tim's only barely so. Other characters might move in and out of storylines but they don't really have any attachments to the rest.

Rebirth to Joker War (2016-2020):

I think the most noticeable thing about this period in terms of Batfamily relationships is the tension it has from trying to re-expand the timeline back out.

Some characters (like Jason and Damian and Kate) have personalities and relationships that are essentially identical to their n52 ones, or only with a minor "we added back in all the most relevant preboot stories" change. Some characters (like Tim) got rebuilt into their preboot form, but with everything that happened earlier being hazy. A lot of the others (like Dick and Barbara and Bruce) were uneasy grafts: Dick had his childhood with Bruce back but he and Babs were still only about 22, not the age they actually were at the end of preboot. The age gap between Jason and Tim remained out to about 4 years, while Tim to Damian tightened to about 3 years.

There was a lot that was sort of in a hazy 'we are taking vibes from this but there's no certainty' for characters, because there were only a few hard reboots and mostly everyone was just repointing characters in the direction of their preboot personalities and relationships, rather than explicitly kicking n52 out of continuity.

So it felt like a lot of interpersonal relationships were once again a go, but they got reruns to re-establish them for audiences. We literally see plots like Tim Seeley redoing the Dick and Helena romance so that they could once again be exes, we see Barbara and Jason Bard retreading and recreating their pre-COIE relationship status, we see Cass needing to establish relationships with everyone, we see Tim have to explicitly have Zatanna remove a block so he can remember Young Justice, etc.

There is also very much a focus on a nuclear family read of found family. It's Bruce And His Kids, and the most obvious encapsulation of this is everything around Tom King's Batman run and its focus on the BatCat wedding. The more complicated relationships between characters who mentored each other or had relationships that weren't referenced off Bruce still hadn't really returned. You get the impression that Dick and Tim are brothers as Bruce is both of their father and they were both Robins, rather than because they have a whole personal relationship that doesn't require Bruce at all, and so on.

There was also a lot of book siloing going on, honestly. The start of Rebirth assigned every Bat character Their Title (or maybe at most 2) and that character largely did not appear outside of their assigned title, and when they did it was mostly only cameos. So we got to see various Bats mixing when assigned to the same title, but they didn't cross over much.

There's also the difficulty with the period that both Tim and Dick cumulatively spend a lot of time off page and out of the rest of the Bat books between Mr Oz and Ric Grayson, and Damian was in the process of disappearing off right when 5G got canned. So there's not really many solid points during the whole 5 years when everyone is actually around at the same time, which also consistently leaves a gap in various dynamics.

Infinite Frontier Onwards (2021-now)

If I'm frank, the era since Joker War ended and DiDio's firing has been characterised by a lot of writers spending a lot of time re-establishing the primacy of pre-Flashpoint for character backstories, personalities and relationships (not you, Jason).

If Rebirth was DC trying to work out how to attach the fandom's favourite character traits, personalities and storylines, back onto characters who had been stripped down, IF onwards has been a lot of outright "we've stopped trying to make things line up and have soft rebooted everything. For preboot characters you SHOULD be able to jump on to their current stories if the last thing you read was before Flashpoint".

So, via the 'all possible backstories are accessible to choose from' we have seen a lot of straight out restoration of old dynamics. Not everyone got restored immediately; Dick got his everything back in 2020 while Cass had to wait until 2023, for example. But characters now actually have relationships with each other again that don't require them to think about Bruce! Tim and Babs can be thick as thieves in Nightwing in a story because they have lots of history together! Barbara and Cass have a proper big/little sister relationship again! People call Barbara for help and information! Dick can hate Jean-Paul and know why he feels that way!

The Future:

The final question to ask is "so when does the Infinite Frontier era end?" in terms of Batfamily, and I think the answer is that we're currently at a transition point that will become more clear in a year or so as to whether we're shifting out of it right now.

In particular, the vibes of what is happening around Batman as a title right now feels like we're about to hit a shakeup.

Characters have pretty much all now integrated where they were as of Flashpoint into their modern characterisation and are starting to move forward in stories again, rather than spending lots of time re-establishing things.

[laniemae]

hello, i wanted to ask your opinions on a few things i've been thinking about for a while now since i always enjoy your takes on ojima

firstly, i wonder if they'll ever go into more detail about ojima's ptsd--it was brought up once in confession game and then never really talked about again (from what i can remember, please do correct me if there was more information somewhere along the line). i'm also curious on whether ojima has ptsd or c-ptsd specifically, since c-ptsd is developed due to long term trauma (which we know ojima has experienced since the abuse he endured lasted 12 years) whereas ptsd is caused by a singular event. monomoko says 'post traumatic stress disorder' instead of 'complex post traumatic stress disorder' in confession game when stating ojima's secret which is why i'm pondering this. sorry if this seems like kind of a strange thing to focus on but i was just thinking.

i've also seen people speculate that this chapter's motive will be based on paranoia, seeing as someone (likely the staff) planted the drugs in hiroaki's room and the tamba death threat note. this makes me a bit worried, cause if this is the case then there's a very high chance that they'll try to trigger ojima's ptsd; which may lead to him feeling alert/on edge (hypervigilance or hyperarousal--i believe these are two different things when it comes to ptsd but they do share some similarities). i do hope im talking about these topics in a respectful way though, since im not the most educated on ptsd

another thing that i think about is ojima's relationship with his mother. we know that his father and uncle hurt him immensely, but we don't actually know how his mother acted towards him. we know that both his mother and father were arrested and ken says that both parents were abusing their children in the chapter 4 investigation while he's reading the student profiles, but we don't know exactly how she abused them (i think it was mentioned somewhere that shigeo beat ojima and his brothers). i'm curious on how ojima feels about his mother--i think he feels a similar way to her as he does his father, but i could be wrong.

sorry for the massive essay but i really like ojima and his character is really interesting haha

Saw this massive essay in my asks and squealed in joy. I absolutely love reading and adding onto ojimanalysis you do not have to apologise give me more whenever you feel like it I love to yap.

Ojima’s ptsd is also something I think about a lot because it hasn’t really been explored in the story so far and was only mentioned in his confession game secret and nowhere else but I do find it a really interesting topic. And yeah as you said I do believe it’s very likely Ojima more specifically has complex ptsd instead of regular ptsd. I feel like the reason why in confession game it only said ptsd is that cptsd isn’t currently recognised as an offical diagnosis in the DSM-5, so from what we know the confession game secrets are taken from their student profiles. It would have records on Ojima’s therapy sessions in which he would’ve been diagnosed, and again as cptsd is a relatively new diagnosis he would’ve officially been registered as having ptsd. Kind of how as well maladaptive daydreaming isn’t officially recognised as a mental illness but it’s mentioned in the secret logs from psychological screening from the doctors, even if it’s not officially recognised. Although cptsd is an officially registered diagnosis in the ICD-11, even with current standards today it can be hard to get diagnosed, especially since Ojima dropped out of therapy so many times.

Ojima definitely does fit the criteria for cptsd to form. Essentially to recap the main differences in how they form is regular ptsd typically forms from short term trauma or a singular traumatic experience. Cptsd on the other hand is formed by any sort of long term trauma, especially within childhood, typically when the victim has little control and is unable to escape. And fits the symptoms of regular ptsd along with additional symptoms. And with how Ojima was abused in multiple different ways for almost his entire life he would definitely fit this part of the criteria.

Even with some of the stuff we’ve seen of Ojima he does fit the criteria of the symptoms both of regular ptsd and the complex variant. He constantly shuts down stuff relating to his trauma and shows severe emotional distress when any stuff about his childhood or family (excluding his brothers) is bought up. As well in [Young Forever] when he says “I just want to stop being scared…” when on the topic of his past.

He also fits the additional symptoms associated with cptsd from what I’ve seen. Such as irritability and angry outbursts. Not outwardly showing too much positive emotion and generally being more emotionally muted as well as dissociation. Another big symptom of cptsd is a negative sense of self such as feeling shame, worthlessness and failure. [Bruise] definitely highlights a lot of these symptoms when it comes to Ojima talking about his experiences. He makes comments on feeling small all the time, “infected” as he puts it, not knowing how to feel okay or strong again, having lost everything and not knowing anything about what to do. And as well how Ojima feels envious/admiration of Hayashi and stuttering on how he doesn’t know how she can just do that and not being able to feel strong. So I feel this episode highlights a lot of those additional symptoms of negative sense of self.

Forming and maintaining strong and meaningful relationships is also a symptom with cptsd. Within the killing game we definitely know that he’s formed a very close bond with Hiroaki, and even though they have a lot of hiccups Ojima always tries to get them back together. Although despite this, Hiroaki is really the only person Ojima has a close bond with within the killing game. He does try to be friendly with the others but doesn’t go out of his way to make friends. And within his outside life the only close connections he has is his older brothers, and we know that even with them being the closet people to him he still has a lot of trouble opening up and letting them help them. So I do definitely feel he fits this category as well.

With all of this I’m very sure Ojima specifically has cptsd, and it probably wasn’t specified as it’s hard to diagnose. But he fits all of the symptoms of both regular ptsd and the complex variant as well as long term trauma to make me feel confident on this. Might’ve yapped about this a lot as it’s something I’m super interested in as has done a lot of research with to understand Ojima’s character as it’s so interesting. And yeah I definitely hope they go into more detail surrounding his condition as we do see the symptoms as I bought up, but since it was an important statement in the series I really want to learn more about how Ojima deals with it. Especially with how he’s in a tough spot when it comes to his mental health that he was very adamant about shutting down having anxiety and the fact that the ptsd was mentioned in confession game along with the abusive means it’s a very sensitive topic for him. His student profile became important in trial 4 and I don’t think they’re just gonna leave that plot line up in the air so I hope we’ll get more info about Ojima’s condition in this chapter.

So about the motive, staffside has confirmed that all the stuff going on is not related to the motives. It also wouldn’t be on of the doctors as knowing what goes on there they would’ve been found out immediately and promptly executed, so it’s definitely one of the students who’s causing this chaos. But this is something to take into consideration as it’s likely that the person who planted the drugs in Hiroaki’s room also sent the death threat to Tamba, so since they’ve done it twice they very well might strike again. In my opinion I don’t think they’ll try to trigger Ojima’s ptsd if they do target him. Something like that would be similar to how Okazaki was triggering Wada by locking him in small spaces and stuff and since the culprit doesn’t want to be caught by going to measures such as typing the note I feel that’d be too risky.

But if Ojima is targeted I do think it’s much more likely they’ll involve his student profile in some way. As like I said it became important in the previous trial and there was some stuff bought up about it but never expanded upon so it might come back as a plot point. And Ojima was incredibly distressed over Hasegawa reading a bit of his student profile so they would definitely be aware that could be damaging to him. Although in order to do that they’d have to steal the student profile from Hayashi’s room which would be very hard to do. So I don’t know if there are gonna be other instances like what we’ve seen but if Ojima is going to get targeted it’s likely someone’s gonna try and leak his profile, but we don’t know enough about the situation to properly guess what’s gonna happen next or if he’s even gonna be involved.

With Ojima’s mother, I feel like it’s most likely she was emotionally and physically abusive just like his father, as well as not caring about any of the other abuse that was going on and likely participating in the gaslighting as Ojima had nowhere to go as a child, hence why he developed maladaptive daydreaming. And yes as you said in [Purple] it’s said that Shigeo beat his kids as from what Hiroaki was talking about the situation, and like I said Ojima’s mother was in prison for the same reasons it’s likely she also participated in that. We don’t know too much about her but in an ask Von confirmed that Ojima’s mother is in prison for the same reason as his father. And as well Hasegawa did directly say that in canon. Also in [Tech Support] Ojima did say that he doesn’t like that side of his family very much and his good family are his brothers, so it’s definitely seems he doesn’t like his mother along with the rest of the adults of his family.

[goodluckclove]

Hi an amount of spoilers for Migration Patterns. It's gonna be like a 210k book so there's a lot of context missing and I don't consider it a huge spoiler on its own but uh yeah enjoy an eldritch horror being very disorientated.

Teeth.

Hard and slick nubs, smooth and slick like river stones, firmly rooted in a line around the mouth. Firmly rooted. Really, just entirely in there.

It came to suddenly. A flick of a switch and it inhabited every inch of space within this body. The change was so quick and so complete that it wasn’t able to do much other than lie in bed for a very long time.

Time. Time? It had experienced the concept through references and peripheral snapshots of experience. Up until now it had only been a word. Levi had attempted to explain its definition once, but the definition was, again, only words. Words without meaning.

But here it was – the meaning, the context, the experience itself. It understood time now. Felt the pressure of it. It pushed down and pulled back and wrapped around it’s throat.

It knew it had been a long, long time since all of this began. So much time spent push-pulling, coaxing and tempting and demanding. And all at once that resistance was gone. It was here now – completely here, for the first time in nineteen years.

More time passed before it could manipulate the folds of the brain to form a coherent thought.

I...hate this.

Thinking was difficult. It was also clearly unnecessary. It was an absolute waste of energy that, for some reason, had to happen. It had to blink, breathe, beat the heart to course the blood, produce saliva, breakdown the foreign molecules in the stomach to metabolize into energy, synthesize testosterone through the bloodstream, and manage a constant, surely-useless monologue that only it could hear?

I hate this. The thought came again, and a little easier now.

It was dark in the room. It was what bodies like this understood to be darkness. It laid in bed and marveled at how human managed to do anything while operating several forms of vital machinery all at once.

Gradually, so much so that it was hard to detect, it understood at least a small fragment of how this species was able to survive. It realized if it stopped making a conscious effort, much of the body was autonomous in and of itself. The functions that were such a hassle to keep track of all together didn’t really need to be observed at all.

Aside from blinking. Blinking, it found, lagged behind the other biological obligations in terms of self-sufficiency.

Resources freed up, it was able to take in more of its surroundings. The bedroom. The body beside it, which radiated heat even in sleep.

Staring at the other provoked a strange reaction within the body it was in. There was a fragment of what it found familiar, a faint glimpse of fractal infinity. And that small peek made it more aware of being within a limited, enclosed organism.

I’m trapped.

It wiggled the fingers. It repeated the action – subtle, but with slightly more intensity. Like shaking off something distasteful. But it remained fully enclosed by bone muscle flesh skin I’m trapped I’m trapped I’m

The body beside it moved closer. It felt a new hand graze the body’s bare chest. It felt the other exhale warm air against the body’s shoulder. The other body spoke in a voice that, while hushed and creaking with sleep, was still recognizable.

“’S okay, Lark,” Edgar murmured against the body’s skin. “Calm...calm, calm, calm…”

Their voice trailed off, and soon after they fell back asleep. It found itself soothed by the gesture. At first it had to presume this was the lingering, base response of one body having a positive association with another. And maybe that was part of it, but it went deeper than that.

It realized how, even when it had taken control for short spurts in the past, it was sharing a space with him. He would be incapacitated, but still very much present somewhere in the body.

Now he was gone. Fully, entirely gone. At best he was hiding his presence so well that it was the same as nonexistence. Part of the sudden chill, the new feeling that was similar to choking, came from the awareness that it was alone in this soft, complex thing.

How do they manage? It wondered to itself. How aren’t they always like this? Always trembling. Always holding each other.

The darkness continued. It tried to gather itself and get some handle on the situation it was suddenly snapped into. With full access to the body it knew it could go back into its recent memories and see what led to this.

But it could recall what Scott said to it before. How handling the memories, even the ones it only planned to observe and return, did something to them. It was curious to understand what that something was, but understanding risked worsening the effects.

Cycling in the brain like it was confused it. It knew it would accomplish nothing, and yet it circled aimlessly around the same small handful of observations and intentions.

Suddenly synapses began to fire. It didn’t force the response. It, frankly, wasn’t even aware how it happened. But things began to replay, new voices in the mental auditorium where it had once rambled to no one.

Nine thirty AM. Genevieve H. Gallows. Conference to discuss negotiations regarding Edgar Gallows.

It must’ve taken a lot of planning. I think it’s a crazy amount of effort to spend on something that’s entirely unproven, but

(They did it on purpose. They did it to them on purpose.)

maybe they tested it. It’s a dark thought, but – maybe they had a reason to think it would work. It would explain why all the higher-ups fumbled so far when their forced lab rat came back essentially the same.

(Forced?).

I’m just glad I got to see you. T-To remember…Who knows? Maybe you’re proof that – that whoever they’re giving me to isn’t so bad.

It closed the eyes tight. Breathing was becoming difficult. Things were coming far too quickly. And still, even as it tried to close the doors and draw the blinds, the Endless of its previous existence was somehow now entirely concentrated inside the body’s skull.

I’m stronger than they are! I’ve practiced more, I have connections – I can do so much more than they ever could! (I lied. I lied so I could take your poison instead of Edgar)

No – no! Don’t listen to him. I deserve this! I was made for you! This is my purpose, not his! (I like existing. Even when things were bad there were still times when I – I liked being here.)

(I wanted to be here. To be alive. I always did.)

THEY DID IT ON PURPOSE THEY DID IT TO THEM ON PURPOSE.

The words were screaming now. They had no volume, no actual voice, and yet they screamed.

NINE THIRTY AM GENEVIEVE H GALLOWS SHE DID IT TO THEM ON PURPOSE END THIS END THIS END THIS

“Okay,” it whispered in vocal cords that whimpered.

The barrage fell silent. It was left wearily repairing the automation of the body’s biological functions in the nothing that followed.

Once Edgar shifted in bed and their hand left the body’s skin, it sat up. The supposed “dark” was beginning to fade into new light. The sky outside the nearby window was burning along the horizon.

Sunrise. The word and what it meant was one more weight pulling it down.

It stared out the window, then turned the head and caught sight of the body’s reflection in the long window across the room. It was alive. It smacked the body’s lips and worked the esophagus to swallow back saliva.

It does not feel good to be a puppet, it reluctantly determined.

good morning friendos i'm skipping to the most wild part of migration patterns and it's already super normal and regular-style

[eldragon-x]

rose tinted glasses