#this whole thing feels very poetic to me rn

[if-loki-was-a-fox]

Sometimes writing fanfiction feels so embarrassing because it's like screaming from the rooftops that I care so much about seeing these two non-existent people from someone else's stories cuddle and exchange a quiet conversation that I literally wrote out out a vividly detailed fantasy about it. And that I also wanted to see them crying and covered in their own blood to get them there. So I described that in excruciating detail too

[whomturgled]

u know what i should actually make some sorta new years resolution or goals or predictions or smthn. rachel my therapist from 2017 if you're out there this ones for you girl<3

[spideysbruh]

short n sweet

a/n- just pretend okay

~

liked by tchalamet, melissabarrera and 4,615,777 others

y/n please please please tonight!!

view all 87,716 comments

tryinyn DONT TELL ME HES IN THE MUSIC VIDEO OMFGGGGGG

florencepugh spicy!!

tchalamet best set ever all because of you

snoozeyn when timothee is nominated for an oscar for this >>>

timsgf it's a music video he can't get nominated. and it's a shitty one at that, he was the best part

snoozeyn aren't you like 60?

wallowsyn WAIT WAIT WAIT

@chalametupdates just tweeted- Timothée and Y/n behind the scenes of Y/ns new music video!

@ynscurtains replied- BEST MV EVERRR

@timmysgf replied- I wonder how he feels about his girlfriend sexualizing herself for streams

@horroryn replied- HE'S NOT GONNA DATE YOU STFU

liked by tchalamet, sabrinacarpenter and 6,177,388 others

y/n please please please!!! enjoy the video, bitches. the actor in this one is super sexy

view all 98,717 others

rachelzegler that actor is really good!

y/n ik I'm so glad he auditioned

tchalamet superrrrrr sexy

y/n wow full of yourself much?

tchalamet I was talking about you 😔

pleaseyn timmy as a crazy ass criminal is just too awesome

goodgracesyn "men suck" and whole time she's dating timmy LMAOO she's so real

liked by tchalamet, rachelzegler and 3,387,827 others

y/n short 'n' sweet is all yours tonight

view all 91,277 comments

tchalamet and you're all mine every night

mystyn I CLAIM COINCIDENCE ALREADY

ynsheadphones im so curious ab what the love songs ab timmy sound like

rachelzegler my favorite album ever

liked by y/n

timyn his comment 💀💀 so down bad

y/n just posted a story!

caption- damn maybe he should've released an album

liked by y/n, kidcudi and 6,716,773 others

tchalamet this beautiful girls album released today. bed chem is objectively my favorite, also juno.

view all 101,177 comments

supergraphicyn juno omg he's a freak

shortyn LISTEN TO GOOD GRACES AND LEARNNNNNN

y/n who's the cute guy in the white jacket- oh wait he's sitting next to me rn nvm LOL

tchalamet liked

daylightyn bed chem.. lucky girl

tchalamet just posted a story!

caption- date night 😍😍

liked by haileybieber, tchalamet, madisonbeer and 5,717,888 others

y/n so.. what's everyone's favorite ?

view all 103,287 comments

exesyn WHO MADE YOU WRITE DUMB AND POETIC

ynsdune BRO ITS SHAWN I SWEAR

tchalamet how does it feel to be this generations Shakespeare?

y/n liked

sabrinacarpenter I wish I made this wtf

y/n you've got it in you!!!

@companyyn just tweeted- WHOS THE CUTE BOY IN THE WHITE JACKET BITCH WHICH ONE

@beetleyn replied- also what fucking accent is she talking ab

@yn replied- idfk I needed a rhyme 🤷🏽‍♀️

@byeyn replied- HELLO!?!??! HEY GIRL

@infiniteyn replied- she's so fucking funny help

@laurieslaurence replied- he speaks french too so maybe that's what !!

@celebnews just tweeted- weeks after her new album released, Y/n L/n is seen happily with her boyfriend Timothée Chalamet. He was taking several pictures of her on a disposable camera. They stopped to say hi to fans and were apparently very kind and interactive.

@beliebyn replied- the way you started that scared the SHIT out of me omg never do that again celebnews

@comearoundyn replied- likely thing for them to do

@lovelyyn replied to @comearoundyn- what does your @ mean 😭😭😭😭

@modernyn replied- and we'll probably never see those pictures he took 💔💔

@mariasyn replied- ON TOP OF THE CHARTS AND LIVING HER BEST LIFE

liked by tchalamet, haileesteinfeld and 7,726,277 others

y/n to celebrate one month and all the love yall have given me, i wanted to release two other songs that i wrote after i finished the album. hope you enjoy!

view all 121,188 comments

povyn BUSY WOMAN IS POP PERFECTION

paulsoneandonly oh goddd here we go, more shitty music 🙄

sweetyn I'm still not over coincidence girl WHO would do that to you

timsgf slim pickings is a crazy song to write when your bf is timothée

shortnyn can you shut the fuck up and get out of her comments for ONCE

liked by tchalamet

ynslipgloss I DIDNT WANT YOUR BITCH ASS ANYWAY🗣🗣 🎶

liked by y/n, florencepugh and 5,727,827 others

tchalamet my girl is on top of the world

comments on this post have been limited

y/n not us being goofy 🤣🤣

florencepugh my bestest friends !!

liked by rachelzegler, tchalamet and 4,817,132 others

y/n i am so grateful i could cry 💕💕✨️

view all 87,727 comments

rachelzegler you deserve it all and more my lovely

tchalamet forever proud of you pretty girl

bearyn remember when she was excited over her getting 100k views on her video 🥺😭😭 and now she's getting MILLIONS

ynsucks all thanks to her boyfriend

fuxkyn is she serious w this shit, she uses timmy for likes???

amyyn he posts her all the time too, so now what?

liked by tchalamet and 7,276,277 others

y/n vmas 😳😳😳

comments on this post have been limited

tchalamet i love you w so much of my heart that none is left to protest

y/n are you shakespeare

tchalamet nah i just made it up right now

liked by tchalamet, yourfriend and 7,727,266 others

y/n if you think they're looking at you... they're looking at me. happy anniversary my love 🥰💕💕

view all 120,187 comments

rachelzegler IM DEADDDDD

tchalamet happy anniversary my angel girl

timmysgf rude asl

laurieslaurence istg its the same person behind these accounts

timsgf what no

ynswaterbottle LMAOOOOOOOOO

lightupyn her old lyrics 🥺🥺😭😭

liked by y/n, zendaya and 8,277,265 others

tchalamet i ❤️ my talented girlfriend

view all 142,177 comments

horroryn HE SAID FUCK ALL YOU HATERSSSS AHHH YALL MAD

y/n why not uponeth me?

tchalamet liked

bedchemyn BYEEEE

tomholland2013 we need a double date soon!

modernyn MY PARENTSS

y/n I love you my darling boy

*

[cal-writes]

honestly, i am SO beyond worried for zoro at this point in terms of his Emotional state cause like ???? man's feel like he hasn't really had a chance for his feelings to blow up in his face yet cause He Keeps Shoving Everything Down For The Sake Of Doing His Job / literally trying to constantly keep everyone (else) alive. (also cause idk why but something about zoro these days just feels like there's some kinda tickling clock over his head since we basically know all the other strawhats inside & out, but zoro's story is like So Bare Bones i feel idk yes, i'm looking at you specifically, wci) that's not even getting into my fear for his PHYSICAL state cause that injection Dr. Goat Man (i forgot his name rn) gave him being like This Adrenaline Shot Will Keep You Going But It'll Only Multiply Your Pain Afterwards or whatever and like 👁️👁️ i know he was out for like two weeks i think post-wano so that was probably his body resting up since then but like .... M A N .

🤝 you and me both. its hard to tell if oda is going somewhere with it all or if zoros already had all the story oda is going to tell. i hope not but. it would be kind of poetic to have zoros arc be at the end since he was the second main character introduced and the past chapters seem to be building up towards some kind of confrontation

in general zoro has been a lot more tense since the time skip which is to be expected

like zoro understands their position more than most and has seen and has carried the consequences of them not being prepared before

its very oldest sibling of him. like i cant have fun i need to think about what everyones having for dinner

like he was fucking stressed getting off egghead bc they were being persued by an elder when he was already exhausted from fighting lucci. people say he was being prideful for not wanting to abandon the lucci fight as if zoro isn’t perfectly fine with running away (ive gone into it before but tldr zoros insisted beating lucci so lucci wouldnt fucking snitch on their escape route - which then of course happened)

not to mention this whole thing

even after that hes still very serious but hes always been more concerned than luffy about things

(tho oda splitting the group up gives me hope bc less people means he has more time for each of them)

regarding the wano fight… i want there to be more to it but again, not sure if its not already “done” from oda’s perspective. i hope its not but etc etc

like you cant just drop literal death and just never mention it again (please)

(it reminds me of the critical role vox machina campaign where a character died and made a deal with a death goddess to remain with the party until the quest was done so by the end he was taken away - love the drama of it all but hope thats not it)

maybe in the new arc thriller bark will come up again. bonney has kumas memories so she knows now as do brook robin and sanji. if sanjis allowed to be a real character and have some more plot maybe his “germa transformation” will make him be an asshole and tell everyone.

(im hoping that odas friendship with zoros live action actor will make him give him more material tbha gdjhahs)

but yeah we will have to wait and see. considering oda has been pretty good about payoff so far im cautious optimistic but im not holding my breath

[kachowden]

I got dumped on April fools and im a mess over it and one of the only things keeping me going is Cameron and how comforting he would be over the whole situation.

Like absolutely bristling with rage over who hurt his darling but he'll worry about that later. Rn his darling is here crying and needs him. Bundles them up in his arms and let's them cry into him and be soft and gentle and soothing.

His darling clinging onto him as they cry and cry. Burying their tear stained face into his shirt. Holding him tightly and just muttering to themselves about why this always happens. Cause of course every relationship they ever get ends so so badly. Its like they are cursed!

And of course hes reveling in how close they are, how they are practically clinging to him, need his comfort, needs him. He feels slight guilt finding some sense of joy in their sorrow but its not his fault. They came to him. They sought him out. They need him.

“Oh darling….” His tan fingers cascade along your tear-stained cheeks, tenderly brushing away fresh drops as his arms encompass you so warmly.

Your hands fist at his shirt, an uncommon shade of purple, very out of his typical color scheme. You felt embarrassed, to be held so lovingly by your therapist, despite seeing him as a dear friend.

His cheeks hummed in soft warmth, relishing the shuttered breath on his collar, though he payed mind to soothe your troubled heart.

“Don’t waste your tears on them. They do not deserve you. You know that don’t you darling?” He smiles gently at you, eyes soft and sweet, reassuring, as his hand that has not cupped your cheek, rubbed soothingly into your palm.

“But they…”

He hushed you gently, pressing his lips adoringly on your forehead, causing a hot flush in your skin as you tried to not take the gesture romantically.

“You astound me darling. You are truly, one of a kind. A beautiful rarity in this world.” He murmured to you, as if in fear of others hearing, though that couldn’t have been farther from true.

If given the chance he would shout his adoration on the rooftops. He had no shame for his love. No shame for you. Simple devotion, tied in a gorgeous red ribbon. Perhaps silk.

You hiccuped, eyes scrunching tiredly. “I just thought…..I don’t know..”

“They were never right for you.”

You paused, tears rushing to a slow, as you finally glanced into his honey brown eyes, that stared at you so transparently.

“What…?”

He laughed softly, as if your question truly was something amusing, his arms encircling your figure into his lap further. “They didn’t deserve you, my darling. My light. They were a passing shadow, so to speak. They would have faded away when the sun rose again.”

Your brows furrowed, head aching from your tears as you tried to make sense of his words. At times you wondered if he spoke so codedly on purpose. Perhaps to mock you.

A clear glass of water was presented to you, and you were mindful to take slow sips for fear of choking. You and cried quite a bit.

“No one could ever hope to deserve you, Y/n…” he hummed, “the world is terrible. The people…can often be terrible. But you are wonderful. You are beyond life. You are so precious, and dear to me.”

Your heart thudded painfully. What was he blabbering about now? It wasn’t unusual for him to go on his poetic rants, but was now really the best time..?

“Cameron…”

“People come and go. The seasons change and so do people. Relationships, can’t always last.” His words weren’t comforting.

“So I be alone forever?”

He laughed at you, though you could tell it wasn’t meant maliciously, even if it came out that way.

“No my dear. Someone like you, could never truly be alone. You will find the right person. Someone truly, in love with you, devoted to you…maybe even obsessed.”

Your skin crawled at the notion, but you found it hard to deny your own warm heart. The idea of being loved so truly.

“They’ll cherish you. Earnestly. The way you deserve to be cherished.” His finger traced your skin, birthmarks or blemishes, he kissed them with his touch gently, his warm smile so comforting, you nearly found yourself diving into it, head first.

“But….as you may wish to be loved by another. You must first…truly, love yourself.”

“You are wondrous my dear. There is so much to love about you, as many parts as there are stars. So begin small. Become passionate about yourself. You’ll find it easier, from then on.”

————————

I hope that you can take some of Dr. Cameron’s words to heart. Maybe not so much the “world is shit and people are shit, eat shit” stuff, but more of his words at the end. Ending a relationship can be hard, and at times you may wonder why it keeps happening.

But don’t stress yourself over it. You do not need to be part of two, to be truly happy. Love yourself. All of you are wonderful, with so much potential to grow and evolve and change. Give yourself a chance. Take wonder, in the small things.

[lurking-latinist]

re: these tags

THAT'S SO COOL AHHHH!! good for you aubreyad community stays winning

[introducing this with a disclaimer in case i'm wrong about everything: i am only halfway through the series rn (just about to finish 10) and also am but a mere undergrad classics major who has yet to even declare said major and I probably don't have the right to be yapping about propertius. nevertheless i shall.]

anyway i have been growing persistently more insane about diana's proximity to a Lot of classical imagery, like how her first appearance in post captain is literally during a fox hunt + all the gender stuff she has going, obviously linking her to mythological diana (and artemis if we're going to conflate the two) but your take has sent me in a whole new direction with that-- because she doesn't actually really embody the artemis archetype all too much overall (an emphasized character trait being that she's notably Not Chaste) EXCEPT in relation to stephen, w/ whom her relationship is much more brotherly than it is sensual i guess?

which would align very well with your idea of diana as elegiac puella-- sort of in a way being mythologized by stephen-- resulting in the reader actually being able to see two different manifestations of her character (one through the eyes of an omniscient prosaic narrator and one through the perspective of stephen as a "poet" figure). and i just think that's neat.

my latin class has also been looking at a few of propertius' love elegies and, at least to me, they read a lot like if stephen 1.) hated himself significantly less and 2.) were less indecisive in writing about his Feelings?? 1.8 (and all of the poems concerning cynthia moving/traveling away and propertius being all moody about it) is very reminiscent of the arc from post captain to the surgeon's mate imo. 1.12 is also Literally Him-- "cynthia prima fuit cynthia finis erit" can be compared to stephen's poetic catastrophizing about how his life is Literally Over and Love Is Dead when he believes to have fallen out of love with diana!?!? i'm going to lose my mind.

sorry for dumping all of this on you unprompted and also sorry for the fact that it probably does not make sense. peace and love

if undergrad classicists don't talk about propertius literally WHO WILL. (genuinely my currently-being-written phd dissertation chapter is based on an idea I had in the class I read propertius in freshman year. never feel like you're not a 'real scholar' or something yet, because you honestly never do become something different, you just keep reading and talking and this is what we do! there's nothing realer than this!)

oh wow that's really well put--we kind of get to see her from an omniscient-narrator perspective and through the eyes of her lover who is Not Being Normal About Her. very nice!

yeah I keep reading bits of propertius and being like "hmm is po'b going to quote this one I wonder." (he doesn't mostly but I keep thinking he should. because I want the aubreyad to be denser and less accessible I guess? :P) there's a lot of catullus woven in too of course - I associate Catullus 72 with the 'falling out of love' arc (my dude that is not what falling out of love looks like).

oh gosh yes 1.8 -- that was one of the things I was trying to describe to Distinguished Classicist, the way she's so -- what's the word I want? not volatile... she disappears. she's constantly Gone. you turn around and oops, she's eloped to Sweden. (honestly though if Cynthia and Propertius could manage to have *fake* revenge affairs that would actually be *great*, for them that would be an improvement.) Gareth Williams (in a chapter called, amazingly, "From Grave to Rave") describes Cynthia as "ever only elusively visible in the narratological mist" and I feel like that's a bit what's going on with Diana. For her there's a genre element as well--she's a woman in the Men Going to Sea books, and even though the Aubreyad gives way more time to women than the average Men Going to Sea book, the fact is the camera frequently simply isn't on her. We see far more of Stephen thinking about her, hearing rumors, etc. than we do of her actually being on the page. Now in elegy nobody seems to be quite fully on the page, we only get "fragments of story" as Genevieve Liveley and Patricia Salzmann-Mitchell say (excellent collection by that name btw, I recommend checking it out if you're at all interested in narrative and lyric/elegy). But Diana manages this while being in a novel, which is impressive to me.

yeah stephen as a character is a lot more... self-reflective? than propertius' speaker. for one thing he's in a novel, I think, so he can actually... have a series of contiguous experiences. he's also a compulsive diarist which is helpful for self-reflection I guess. and more mature, like, as a human being, than propertius' speaker, who apparently does nothing with his life except be in love and write poetry, he doesn't exist outside of as a poetic voice whereas, again, stephen benefits from a third-person narrator and has medicine and spying to do and so on. also he's Catholic.

I love the "Catullus-and-water" line, it's like O'Brian just put in a little wink to those of us who would notice this, like, "yes I am doing this on purpose." All in all I've pretty much defaulted to assuming that O'Brian is doing things on purpose. although he did forget Babbington's first name that one time and retconned it very awkwardly

[love-is-a-pearl]

Watching Pokemon mezamas for the first time because I can't binge DP rn orz

If you wanna see me ranting and reacting, I'll leave things under the readmore >w<)b

Starting with ep 1 and 2! Cause I dont have as much free time as I wish I had so I'm doing 2 episodes per day till friday.

Winds of Beginning! The Endless Road!!

It's just me or the music at the beggining was Alola music? If yes.. That's just the cutest. Alola music as Ash's music QAQ

The best part of the episode was the 5 minutes we spent with Ash and Pikachu before the stupid Latias appeared. Add that one to the pokemon I now hate because of the anime..

Man, I'm still bitter those 10 episodes weren't focused on Ash and his Pokemon only. It would've been the absolute best way to use those 10 episodes (and still reach the same conclusion Mezamas as it is reached), why couldn't Ash ever be alone with his mons? He can be enjoyable if the writers tried. Sigh

At least Buizel is here ♥ Also it was adorable to see Noivern and Sceptile in security duty while everyone else slept! Babies! However I'm sad Buizel and Donphan didn't go to cuddle with AshPika and Latias ù3ú

What was the point of all the drama about "Ash's pokemon not being able to attack TR because it could hurt him" when... Pikachu just went and... did just that? (also, Noivern going there and breaking the glass would've hurt Ash less??????) I get they needed "Ash suicidal tendencies make him likeable" moment but gosh, it could've been done better, for sure.

And you know, mandatory Dawn mention, but it's kinda poetic that both Ash and Dawn got done dirty in their final moments because of some stupid legendaries. They're trully one and the same. Even in shitty writing decisions from anipoke staff LMAO

Satoshi VS Kasumi! Seaside One-on-One!!

I know that Misty's metaphor about how her and Clauncher are meant to be is an obvious Pokeshipping hint, of course it is! I know that! but...

Not to sound like a conspiracy theorist but the fact Pikachu ignored Psyduck for Misty, and Clauncher didn't seem at all to reciprocate Misty's feelings is... interesting... Added to that how Ash just replaced her lure with Cilan's is.. Almost like adding to her own metaphor, that while Misty still has feelings for Ash and believes that they're meant to be, because of fate, because she is the "OG twerpette" like TR called her, Ash himself is like.. Pikachu to Psyduck and Clauncher to her. Neutral at most, and with someone else having their favoritism.

And y´know, it's even more interesting that at the beggining of Sinnoh Ash still had her lure (and was protective of it) and immediately after Sinnoh he changed her lure for Cilan's. I sure wonder what happened between those events for him- It's Dawn! its Dawn that happened!

Dont judge me I can make anything be about pearlshipping if I try hard enough.

Shipping aside, I adore seeing episodes with the general same plot but with different characters. Compare this to the Buneary catch and it's really interesting to see just how different Ash acts with Misty and Dawn about the same thing. Him and Misty have a battle about who is gonna get it, which does makes sense, they will resolve all their arguments with battles instead of actual talking and I adore that trait of their relationship~

And even Misty's disappointment at the end, that Clauncher still likes hanging with Corphish is very different than Dawn bringing up her closeness with Ash to win Buneary over. I love those sort of similar episodes, it's great to understand how each character thinks.

Gosh, even comparing to Totodile's catch shows how Misty and Ash themselves have become closer and more understanding of eachother! In here they make rules about how to catch Clauncher instead of fighting the whole time, it's a nice showcase of how they've grown! I'm just sad that Totodile was in this episode and no one mentioned the similarities :T

Also I will never get tired of Pikachu's "Pikachupi"! Ikue Otani does it in the cutest voice and I just want to squeeze the rat's cheeks every time he says it!!!

Speaking of Pikachu, I love that at the very least in those 10 episodes he went back to having some hint of a personality since he hadn't shown much of it for... a long time before it (and remembered the names of the people he cares for. I was so angry at the lack of "Pikapi" in Alola).

Same goes for TR, is nice to see their motto being animated instead of some re-used footage. One of the things that made their apparitions enjoyable in OG-DP was that they always added some personality to it. That was fun to see again.

---

And that's it for today.

[fruitybashir]

Has Bojan ever told Kris "I love you" in Serbian and he didn't realize? (we see Bojan mutters a lot of Serbian, but we don't know what)

oh interesting!!! lets go there

so this is funny bc originally, a big part of bojan's ch16 crisis wouldve been that he accidentally said "i love you/volim te" to kris when they had sex in ch15, then realising that the next morning and freaking out about it. i switched it up mostly for two reasons:

a) the "shit we took it too far" moment ended up being having unprotected sex which, again, i hadnt originally planned lol it just sorta happened. and i like it better that way bc in their context, that is very much an admission and an act of love, without either of them explicitly saying it. and it gives bojan a (very flimsy excuse of an) exit route from his crisis where he tells himself that as long as neither of them has said it out loud, they can still just go back.

and b) i dont know about actual kris, but holidate kris doesnt exactly speak or understand serbian fluently, but he does recognize a few words here and there. like curse words bojan regularly uses mostly but also. stuff you just pick up when you live in the area of another language if that makes sense? like how im from germany but ill recognize a few words and sentences here and there from polish, dutch, french, etc just bc. its stuff you kinda pick up from proximity and having music with different languages in the charts.

and a "volim te" would have definitely been recognisable to kris, its not something he wouldve overheard or not have understood. and that would just have changed his whole perspective in ch16 bc bojan would have told kris he loves him only to then fuck off and say hey lets just be friends. it would have been a very different crisis on his part then, knowing bojan loves him but for some reason doesnt want him vs actual ch16 wondering where he'd gone wrong, thinking bojan had figured out kris had feelings for him but not feeling the same and that pushed him away etc etc

so uhh. what was the question again? oh yeah.

bojan speaking serbian. this is one of those "idk man i just write the guy" instances kinda, i dont have any exact words or sentences in mind?

had to go back and check where bojan speaks serbian actually

exhibit nr.1: just various curses for sure

exhibit nr.2: ummm probably also just like fuck me but in serbian? maybe smthn like "need you in me" etc like maybe just something filthy and desperate lmao

exhibit nr.3: a lot of sweet talking mostly, telling kris how amazing he feels, in him and under him, how he loves being so close to him, how good he makes bojan feels ummmm idk i cant come up with anything deep or poetic rn but basically just a loooot a lot of sweet talk and praise and basically saying how much he loves kris without actually saying the words for it. does that make sense?

but with all things that are left vague: its up for interpretation if you have something else in mind. bojan could be reciting the manual to his microwave for all i know.

[weekend-whip]

Ninjago Fic Rec Week: Day 5

Prompts: Multichaps / Nya Recs! *shorter one today, I'm not feeling too well rn -w-)

Multichap Recs-

Saturniidae: *takes long hard swig* This one's a doozy, fellas. Beautifully melancholic Cole-centric fic detailing the descent of their team reflected in their beloved Ultra Dragon amongst other things, and the stinging realization that what we need isn't always going to be what we want...or in the ways we think. I still think about this fic from time to time and have to take a moment of silence for my heart snksnksnk

Father Always Liked You Best: Another Shiny special, this time with some Garmadon angst and what the view of his gradually splintering off from his brother (And very quickly reminding me what my favorite take on Garmadon is. Spoilers: IT'S THIS. The very last line reminded me of how hard it hit when I first read this aaaaaaa)

Five Times Morro Trusted Wu: AND THE ONE TIME HE DIDN'T. Or, the fic that sits at the very core of my tempered adoration for the ghost kid.

Habits of Home(lessness): Putting this here cuz I'm once again mad I dropped the ball on Jay's day lmao!! In which Jay's "normal" childhood growing up is very abnormal in the face of the rest of his team (and he is THROWN when it comes to trying to figure out why)

Nya Recs-

Ninjago: The Nya Perspective: THE NYA FIC I'VE SEARCHED MY WHOLE LIFE FOR (aka maybe twoish weeks? Three? This has been a long drag of a month, man) ANYWAY it's the series retold from Nya's point of view and it is MMMMMM peak Nya. Peak Nya. Very highly reccomended.

selkie: short, sweet, and a little bit haunting, a reflective Nya Post-Seabound (......with a solution to the 'being the sea' problem I also thought really should've happened, or at least considered, but give the flow of this fic...perhaps, maybe not)

Please Just Don't Break an Ankle: Nya, Skylor, and Pixal getting the chance to girl-out and just be friends if not sisters!!!!! But, there is a lot of fun dynamics with everyone, though big sister Skylor has me by the throat!!! And Nya getting the chance to be just a little bit vulnerable :3

this grueling cycle: mmmmmmBACK at it again with the pre-pilots fics!! Nya and Kai in the ~before~ times, following the siblings' clashing opinions on the disappearance of their parents. Very descriptive and ripe with characterization!

Blue-Black: Nya and, ironically, the impressions that the color green has on her overtime. She also has synesthesia <3

déjà-vu: Y'all know I'm always a sucker for stories where Nya and Lloyd has out their feelings with each other, and this is definitely towards the top of the list! The angst burns so good <3

Skating on Thin Ice (Can Get You Into Hotwater): A multichapter braincellshipping fic in a hockey/ice skating au that I haven't actually finished, but a) I loved what I read of it so far, b) the character dynamics are sooooo much fun, even beyond the ship, c) the concept is AMAZING, and d) it's by an author who's made this list already, THEREFORE I trust this story with my life. It needs a little extra love <3

Nya and the Song of Sirens: Poetic Nya stream of consciousness thingy during some Crystalized events, I don't talk about this one a lot because writing it stressed me out and I didn't think it was anywhere close to my best snksnksnk, but upon rereading again for myself, I'm like "whoa, maybe I really had something here". I should be nicer to myself, and it is very potently Nya, thus *plunks down rec*

[the-pale-chancellor]

I’m glad I get to talk about it with someone finally!

And while I do understand where you’re coming from for the most part, I do have a few rebuttals.

Also I must confess, I don’t speak Russian in any way shape or form. I’ve seen the subtitled earlier productions enough that I mostly know what’s going on, but I bet I’ve missed a couple things in this new show.

I’m gonna try to do it smart like you did and piece out my opinions.

First off

Characters: I know I’m in the minority but I actually LIKE most of what they did with Crysania. In my opinion from reading the books it felt like lazy writing for her to have no personality. As the female lead she needed to be fleshed out more. This Crysania gets to have emotions and a personality outside of feelings for Raistlin. It also feels like she is fully immersed in the more joyful and compassionate parts of her faith which make a lot more sense for her character instead of going from stoic and cold to insta love. Also the fact that it’s her singing at the end the poetic justice is just *chefs kiss!* GIRLY FINALLY GOT TO HAVE THE LAST WORD SHE DESERVES.

Raistlin honestly got more fleshed out as well. His one redeeming quality is that he shows compassion for those who are powerless and bullied by society. And he got to show off this quality quite a bit. As for what you said about the scene before the battle of Zhaman, I don’t see it quite as a Jesus thing so much as like him using his manipulative side to win himself a war, which is more or less what it’s always been in this show. Also they took out him assaulting Crysania which I appreciate. Also in the books Raistlin was pretty sick most of the time. So it’s accurate.

You’re right about the cabaret thing that’s weird. But does it bother me all that much? No not really. In the book if I remember correctly they were in a literal courtroom with Rasitlin on trial for his past so…..is it really and weirder?

Were the costumes bad? Yes. Was the set weird and sound quality bad? Yes. Did I find it weird the actress playing Crysania was blond? Yes . but none of those things really took away too much from it for me. I like seeing new actors get to play these parts. I don’t know if they’ll be other performances of this version, but if they can just iron out the technical issues and make some improvements costume wise I think it could get better!

Oh but Crysania still doesn't have emotions outside her love for Raistlin. All this cheerfullness may seem like her actually being fleshed out, helping and confronting the injustice (and yes, in the scenes with Istar she does just that, props to her, even tho if I remember correctly she kinda did the same in previous versions, might be wrong), bUT. When listening to what she's singing (and I am just conveying it because you don't know the language), she now doesn't go from cold to insta loving. She goes from seeing Raist for the first time and insta loving him, all her thoughts and songs are about how she could save him from like the very beginning of the musical and that's what bothers me. Yes, coldness seems lazy on her, but that happy babbling just feels wrong to me.

Of course you may like her new variation though! Everyone has different opinions and I believe yours is as valid here, just saying what I noticed :)

Also, about the Abyss part. Even though I didn't like cabaret, I, for some forsaken reason, adored the actual tango. The way Raist moved under control had something in it, but I remember similar thing with Egorov somewhere. Yet, God forbid me from talking any further because I will not stop internally laughing about 12th doc appearance of that man.

Overall: I'd say it wasn't all horrible, not at all. I'd put 6/10 for the whole thing, probably Saint-Petersburg's version is better as it was filmed 10 days after the YouTube one (and is actually on sale rn, but it costs 2000rub/~20$ so can't watch it). They need to polish things A LOT, but overall - fine enough.

Thank you for having a convo of opinions with me! Needed to share this with someone :)

[inacastleimadie]

Are you dating anybody?(just trying to make you mad)

That is actually up in the air rn 🤕

I'm between a rock and a hard place. I genuinely love her so much but we kinda had a rocky phase where she really distanced herself and it kinda put me in a weird place mentally where I started to doubt things with us.. then, Erika found her way back into my life at that period of time and all of those old feelings came back, and now they're even stronger. El is being so understanding and it's so difficult. Realistically, she's a whole ocean away & we'd still have a few years of working really hard before we'd actually be together. I genuinely love them both and it's incredibly painful.

I know what the realistic choice is, but, it will absolutely kill me losing El. It's so confusing. El is genuinely so important to me, but sometimes I think I'm not as important to her... And idk if that's the truth, or just my head hc she has a hard time showing affection regularly. She's INCREDIBLY affectionate when she's tired lol.

It just feels like she's someone different now, and she's changed SO MUCH (for the better) but I feel like those changes kinda brought her away from me. When we first met she was crazy hypersexual like me, super charming and affectionate, and now it's like I gotta beg for her to be flirty or send pics and even then she always says she'll do it later and later never comes. I know it's not all me, but my mind tells me it is...

Jesus Christ I'm sorry for dumping that I'm just really really upset about the whole situation. I've never genuinely loved more than one person before. I keep blaming myself like I did something wrong by even talking to Erika again but it was supposed to be just a quick catch up.. once we started talking daily it really started progressing it feels like we're picking up where we left off. Like, El was just a kid when Erika and I were in each other's lives lmao like I've known this girl for fuckin 13 years man. She was in my life when my parents were alive and I was a punk ass hoodrat teenager. I feel a big part of my soul healing when she's in my life, like a big portion of my pain and confusion over the years was rooted in losing her. I genuinely forgot how important she was to me bc of certain life stuff going on and whatever. So, it all started to come together again.. and the hardest part is she is just as crazy about me. We are on the EXACT same level. I genuinely think she's my twin flame. I've said that about a million girls to make myself feel like I've made the right choice with them .. but when you look into the actual process of a twin flame relationship it's scary how relatable it is. Like, we had stopped talking for at least 10 years.. and we are the EXACT same person. It's CREEPY. She collects oddities and loves concerts and music, she is a fuckin pervert but has never played out those fantasies irl (just like me) she is obsessed with morbid and dark things. She's very charming and poetic even tho she doesn't know it. She gives me the love I give her and that's the most important thing to me in life. I want it to be an infinity loop ♾️ not a set of testies (0 o)

The love Erika has for me is unmatched. Like, she's flying me out to Ohio and driving me halfway across the state to see my grandma because she knows it's important to me... I genuinely can't think of another person I've EVER loved who would do the same ..

Not to mention Erika is a manager at a really high end fashion store and makes bank, I can honestly see her becoming a GM for the entire store. - I won't have to worry about being the sole provider in the relationship and that is very important to me. It's ruined too many relationships in the past.

[destiel-wings]

Listen I love jack I think he's awesome but I still dont feel like jack was an elevated replacement of Crowley cause man did I LOVE Crowley either way I still love jack...but I had a thought imagine if jack storyline didn't existed that castiel was made god Instead...can you imagine the poetic implication of God being in love with Dean Winchester omg like that has just bamboozled my mind...dean Winchester who never takes credit of anything being loved by the absolute supreme??? him being bestowed the absolute validation??? LIKE THAT IS JUST PERFECT....AND LIKE CAS WAS LITER LIKE

cas to anyone else: I will kill you

cas to dean: I'm your huckleberry

God being only soft for one individual yea no bye i want to bury myself rn cause I need this

I absolutely love Crowley too!! I never thought about Jack as a replacement for him, but I see where you're coming from.

The thing about Jack is he brought a whole different dynamic for team free will, narratively speaking. He reshaped all of them, bringing a lot of new story territory. When i first watched s13 I remember that I noticed and loved how much Sam's soft approach towards Jack made me appreciate him once more, reminding me why I love Sam so much. His own storyline had been weaker up until that point, but when he decided to take care of Jack, fighting for him and taking upon himself the responsibility of a child (the way Dean had done for him), that was a huge step for the character. It was growth, and it shed some very much needed good light on Sam and his good empathetic heart.

For Dean, Jack brought an intersting conflicting dynamic. I love the initial opposition that seeing Jack triggered in him, for the way it underlined his grief of losing Cas. I think seeing a character like Dean, who had always been collecting stray kids, and whose main role since he was a child had been that of the caretaker, struggling so much with Jack, was very interesting. Because Jack is a mini Cas. He's Cas's kid. And so, Dean's kid. He's not his brother, or a stray kid that he can befriend providing a parent-like care (like with Claire or Kevin, in a way). Jack is, in every way possible, more like a son. And for that, it gets harder. One gets meaner sometimes, because it's family. And it's not fair, but in the dynamics of the show, in the portrayal of family that we've seen, and that the boys have grown into, it's as real as it gets. And one makes mistakes. Dean certainly made so many mistakes with Jack, and he sometimes went way too far (like when he said Jack wasn't family in the end of s15 and then the show ended and never let him eat his words to Jack - but again, there's a lot of things that the show never let Dean say in the end...), but still, one can't deny that he cared about Jack and that his introduction didn't bring new flesh for Dean's storyline.

I don't need to explain how Jack affected Cas' storyline. It was simply wonderful to see. To witness Cas genuinely develop a father side and learn a different, completely selfless kind of love. All of that love had always been in Cas, but I think Jack brought it to surface even more, and who knows, maybe that's even what helped Cas realize that his feelings for Dean were different, romantic. Because he now had something else that was just as strong, but felt completely different to compare it with.

Ultimately, I think the point is that Jack kind of brought the whole team together even more strongly. He was like glue that kept them together, in a way that felt even more impossibly like family. And that's why i think it's so beautiful, and why his introduction was a great move that gave new life to the show.

With Crowley... they did him dirty. He was such an interesting character but towards the end the writers stopped caring about him and his storyline had become stale. His main feature, his wit, had been turned against him when they had him do a couple of stupid things (the whole storyline with Lucifer), and they just demeaned his character until he killed himself. And while i love that he was the one to do it, and for a good cause, to save our boys, his sacrifice was ultimately rendered useless too since Lucifer didn't even stay trapped but escaped and kept bringing problems.

I think the wiriters got a little bored with the character and didn't really know what to do with it, but they should've given him a refresh instead of killing him. I would've loved a storyline where he became a real part of the team. Imagine team free will being formed by hunters, a nephilim, an angel and a demon? Seeing Crowley become one of the good guys (while still being a demon) might've brought a lot of interesting story territory for them. The constant diffidence. The struggle to constantly prove his loyalty and gain their trust and approval, his relationship with Rowena developing in all this... it would've been fun. I'm thinking it might've been something like Spike's storyline in Buffy's fourth season (for those who are familiar with the show).

OR, imagine if they had him develop on what s8 started, and had him be cured as a demon and become human. Either by his own free will or by force. I'm imagining him somewhat like Endverse Cas, some sort of pariah, maybe hiding away as a hermit with a life crisis, that could've been treated both in a funny way, but also with some real moments of depths. With the Winchesters coming to look for him for his knowledge, seeking help and finding him in a sea of bottles, depressed and purposeless and overwhelmed by feelings, until they gave him something to fight for, a reason to get up, and eventually he might have become part of the team.

That's what I would've done, and I think either solution would've been better than what his character got, but anyway. 😅

I'm not sure i understand how Jack's absence would be linked to Cas being revealed God, since Chuck had already been established as God by the time Jack arrived (are you talking about Godstiel?) but anyway I see your general vision about Cas being God and being in love with Dean and... yes, oh, yes, that definitely would've been something. I'm thinking about Dean's "Cas? Are you God?" and that would've been sweet. Instead we got a different kind of God who was still obsessed with Dean, but unluckily, not in a good way.

But again, every show needs conflict, so we couldn't have it the sweet way. Just like the characters, we were doomed from the start.

Thank you for the message <3

[dollivication]

hii hewwwooo its me again w more v thirst:333

so.. stalker!v.. he’s absolutely OBSESSED u user but he js feels way too undeserving of them at first so his first thought is sending them letters!! ( ⸝⸝´꒳`⸝⸝)

the letters r little creepy:( but hes not dumb!! he uses poetrics and shit to ease the whole thing so the weirdness gets buried under the rug LOL its still very noticeable tho.. he sounds very obsessive..

he even makes a small heart in one of the envelopes. the heart has his blood plastered on the paper:3 kinda like yuri letters from doki doki literature club hehehe (˶˃⤙˂˶) Hes insanely proud of that too bc.. his blood, sweat and tears are theirs!!! his very own being is too!!

hes a crazy lil perv too so the letters sometimes get even weirder.. he writes full on explicit scenarios about how hes gonna fuck user saurrr good:3 his abilities w writing help him a ton when hes writing those things bc his absolutely NASTEYYY thoughts get a lil prettier w his poetic words and now he doesn’t sound too much like a crazy perv:333

if he knew how to draw he’d 100% draw user naked. in fact, i think he’d draw the both of them fucking too jhjhjjj hes crazy..

hes saur saur insane thats hes.. hes capable of sprinkling a few drops of his seed on the envelope too.. he thinks thats like.. peak romance..

i love u stalker!v hes like.. la criatura to me..

love u sm dolly thank u for hearin my crazy thirsts out ( > 〰 < )♡ /eats half of ur brain

V THIRSTV THIRSTV THIRST!!! I NEVER SPRINTED TO AN ASK QUICKERIN MY ENTIRE LIFE !!! HAI ANONNB!!

the most DEVIOUS ass giggle i just let out rn… MYGOODNESS.. i love poetic stalkers and obsessive love letters in fiction.. AND ITS SO TASTY WHEN ITS V!!!

there’s just something abt letters that start off sweet and actually heartwarming, slowly spiral into a disturbing cluster of mindfuck where u can tell the writer is obviously VERY unwell.. like u lowkey go from looking forward to the letters to absolutely dreading the mere sight of them<3

THE EXPLICIT SCENARIOS WATERED DOWN BY THE POETIC WRITING?? ITS SO YUMMY.. like you’ve gotta give him some credit, talm bout eating u out while simultaneously describing it in a way that could be featured in some “Top 10 literature pieces” video LFAO… it’s all that william blake he’s been consuming smh!

THE SEED AND BLOOD ON RHE LETTER I KICKED MY LEGS. he’s so nasty i love him.. he’ll like finish up and read over it, smiling to himself. hes so proud of it! >.< he’s convinced that you’ll love this one! and it’s got a dab of cum on the corner LMFOAOAOAOA I LOVE IT:!;;!!; he’s got such a dirty imagination.. even if he can’t draw, he might look at pornographic art and envision him and user. IM TWEAKING

he is a strange little fiend….. i think he deserves to be studied idk…

I LAUV U 2 ANON!!! SAUR MUCH!!!! yu alr know i’ll listen if it’s got V in it :3 (and literally every other dmc character..)…🩷

[mchiti]

Is it bad that I don’t want hakim to go to PSG, just because it seems like it’s going downhill and there’s a lot of toxicity over there💔 because I saw a tweet by Simon Phillips

Anon! No I understand because I'm not a fan of psg but honestly I was way less into this scenario in january [but I welcomed it like the rest of us because you know, he could have left chelsea]. I think now things are balancing out a bit over there, with both Messi and Neymar leaving (two fantastic players ofc, just the whole scenario wasn't right). Surely the way Kylian is being treated looks toxic to me, but what's the alternative rn? I might be the only person who would prefer ajax on a very poetic standpoint lol going there, being wanted, leading your club again. But coming back home always sounds bittersweet, which I understand, so if that's a real opportunity and this is real I'm very happy because honestly what else is there rn.

If I think the alternative is Saudi or Turkey and watching Yassine going Saudi now.......and how close he was to join two months ago??? He can also play cam which he did so good at ajax, if it's about competition. And I really trust Luis Enrique in this, he's a great manager but he's also such a nice person. He rates him so (and perhaps he pictures him in a cam position?). It feels different than january now if it's true!

[starwell-tarot]

hello darling!!! 🐿️🐢

hope your gloomy day still went pretty well, tell me about it!

some advice i can concentrate better on - as a mentionned yesterday it is definitly true that i like challenge and i got motivated by the idea of trying to find a way to make concentrating in class smth stimulating for my brain ofc i still need to find ways to it right but its a really charming idea to me! i also need to focus at home and get work done there to be able to concentrate better in class so its a whole process that im ready to try out with the method your proposed to me

motivation - feeding my soul, how poetic wow it is true that im very lucky to study what im studying rn and its actually stuff that are useful in life and if i dont find it interesting then maybe it can still be informations that i can share with others right? there is an enormous amount of material in every law classes so i wont be able to memorize everything but your advice made me see things differently and i actually want to try to remember most of it on the LONG TERM and not only for exams! once again it is an advice that really speaks to me and that i will think about when studying

balance - i actually LOVE lists/ plannings/ etc like writing everything i want to do for the day and packing my schedule with many different stuff like seeing many friends, doing productive stuff for school, doing my hobbies it really helps me see how i spend my time and share out the different things i do (so i dont do the same thing over and over again) and i cant believe i FORGOT about it like i actually stopped doing it and i forgot i am so grateful for this advice

relationships - my friends often complain that i dont share intimate things with them like my daily problems and all but i actually just dont see what they could do about it? anyway i still struggle with these things i'll try to question myself more often to see whats the right thing to do for everyone when im in a bad spot like you adviced

avoid stress - im really not good at dealing with negative emotions lmaooo its also gonna be a challenging point i'll try to believe as much as i can that stress is not an end its just a signal just like you said once again thank you for your works i'll try my best

self care - its so beautiful! i live in the city so im not that much in contact with nature but its true that whenever i go help my grandmother in the countryside it feels refreshing i just need more time to do so! now that i know its smth that could help me i'll keep that in mind and prioritize doing in these situations! im a taurus after all! even tho earth is only my third dominant element im an earth sign lmao

words of encouragement - everyone seems to be wrong about everything its crazy ajkdhdbnzev i really should be more humble its a problem but anyway yes even tho i think some people are stupid deep down i'll still take their opinion into consideration just in case when in fact i shouldnt with your advice i'll try to accept that sometimes peoples advices just arent for me and maybe they'll help someone but its not my case! thanks

daydreaming - yes in my experience heavy daydreaming has been because STRESS, bored in my life and obligations i have that i dont want to do the problem is that it really put me in problematic positions everything comes down to stress at the end so if i understand how to deal with my stress i wont feel the need to escape like this :/ i'll definitily think about your advice and when i notice im starting to daydream heavily ill try to ask myself why and to resolve the issue

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR READING!!!!! everything really spoke to me and ill make sure to apply it well in my life from now on i'll think about your kind words and do my best!

Hello! My gloomy day was comfy 😁

Thank you so much for taking the time to write such a lengthy feedback 🖤 it means a lot and it's very helpful.

I'm also glad to hear you're enjoying the perspectives and ideas the cards gave 🤔

I went on a whim with the challenge thing and then I was like ... Wait a sec .. didn't they say they have Aries placements? It just clicked at that point. I knew i was right on the money 😂

I was so taken aback by that high priestess card. Truth be told I too had the same mentality in high school! I studied just to know things. To grow wiser as an individual. (Went to a science college (it's a high school despite the name)) So I can kinda see it! Law is very very broad of a subject and there's a lot to study. But it's also so so useful in life! I actually had some law students save my ass when I had a very bad boss at a workplace once they helped me with the contract lol So yeah i definitely think you can become very wise as a law student!

Glad I can help you get back to your lists, too! And uhm, I don't think any human is ever GOOD at dealing with negative emotions. I mean, they're meant to make us uncomfortable ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ But being gentle and understanding and honest with yourself does make it better!

And I mean yes I see your point. Maybe your friends will not be able to DO anything about your problems but here's the thing. Keeping things hidden creates more stress in the human mind. It's like an extra layer. It's not just "I'm frustrated and confused" It's "I'm frustrated, confused, and keeping it to myself." If you talk to someone, it gets easier 😁 Plus, talking about what goes on inside your mind can actually put you on the spot in such a way you unconsciously organize your thoughts and find the answers yourself. (Like those scenes in movies when a character goes to rant to another one and they literally spend the entire time talking to themselves, giving themselves advice and thanking the other person although they did absolutely nothing 😂)

Literally when I was doing your reading i had "Go touch some grass, bro." In my head 😂 But yes, as an earth sign you probably could feel so much more grounded and peaceful if you interact with nature. 😁

And just wanted to remind you I answered your ask about the double interpretation tarot reading and you can send it to me anytime!

[felixsbakingbud]

OH BOY ITS BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I’VE DONE ONE OF THESE (I missed these sm)

First off, please pay for my non existent therapy bills bc I am in the emotional trenches rn /jk

Ok but actually, I can’t even begin to describe how beautiful, how poetic, how raw this feels. I’m actually still crying a tiny bit bc this fic was such an emotional rollercoaster (in a good way obviously)

This was so comforting. Like genuinely I needed to read this so badly (we love 1am hurt/comfort reads honestly what a time to be alive). I feel that you’re just able to encapsulate hurt and healing from that hurt so well. Like I FELT y/n’s pain a ton trying to reclaim in a way the things they used to love before the breakup. Like any breakup, regardless if it was romantic or not, involves so much pain with trying to reclaim what you used to enjoy with that person before. And the worries, the fears of never truly being loveable. Had me sobbing already.

And then the way you write Hyunjin oh my GODDDDD. You are SO right, he makes me love love again and he’s just such a gentle soul I cry when I think about him (I am still crying btw). I LOVEEE how you integrated his songs in here too (especially the hidden DLMLU bc that song hits me a lil too hard in the relatable department). Long for you actually changed my brain chemistry and this whole fic just screams Hey You too ☹️☹️ I am STILL thinking about the “and if you don’t know love I will make the best of us” bc it’s just Hyunjin wrapped up all nicely in a lyric. And THE ENDING PERFECTLY ENCAPSULATES THAT TOO 😭😭😭

(Also I was ironically streaming cover me right as Hyunjin mentioned it and some other world level stuff happened cuz y did I get to the Seungmin high note as y/n was jokingly imitating it like that was funny)

I love love LOVE how u write endings and this one is especially so beautiful bc they’re not just talking about flowers they’re talking about each other and the kiss ur honor the kiss had me crying all over again. It’s so tender, so gentle, so sweet. I just can’t aahhhhhhhhh this was truly the most beautiful little fic and reward for myself for finishing my finals

Ilysm bae ☹️☹️☹️

Now we have the part that I love, crying even more over Sahar’s beautiful writing 😌 screenshot edition bc I’m learning how to use tumblr so my phone doesn’t hate me and overheat

YEP THESE BROKE ME EARLY ON GOT ME SUPER FAST THERE HASAAAA. Just, yea 🥲🥲🥲 it was a very relatable part for me that 100% did not nearly make me cry. Just the pain of losing something that ou cared so much about out bc of someone else and not even knowing how to accept happiness anymore had me bawling almost 😭

And here is where I started crying WOOOO but actually Hyunjin would say something so gentle and sweet like this, it’s so him coded ☹️

OK ANGST I SEE U 🥲🥲🥲🥲 the DLMLU reference had me crying and then response from Hyunjin it’s so bloody painful to read but in a GOOD WAY 😭😭😭 like it hurts but it’s all worth it in the end and that makes me cry even more

In conclusion, I LOVED this fic as usual and I just love how you bring to life the whole process of healing slowly and learning to trust in love again. Love is so integral to us and I couldn’t think of a better person to embody that than the definition of love himself Hwang Hyunjin ☹️

The snow falls, we fall apart.

summary: when heartbreak looms on your life, and winter becomes a time you loathe, hyunjin helps you rewrite your memories with the season, and with it, everything you once believed about love.

genre: producer student!hyunjin x reader. roommates!au. friends to lovers. acute descriptions of heartbreak and general sadness. slow burn. hurt/comfort. healing and hopeless romantic hyune. very inspired by long for you so lots of pining and yearning. (wc: 13k)

warnings: mentions of alcohol. it is implied that reader was in an a very toxic relationship but no details are shared.

a.n: happy birthday to my hyunjin, my muse, my light. thank you for being so full of love that it made me love love again in return. this is i think my most personal piece, and i hope it reminds those who need it that love should be soft and kind, that it shouldn’t hurt, that it should heal not break. i love you guys and i love you my xi, writing this collab with you has been a true honor <3 also!! please listen to long for you while reading :,)

winter falls masterlist.

You’ve only ever felt utter despair twice in your life.

First, when you were seven years old, playing hide and seek with your cousins at your grandma’s house. It was a warm summer afternoon, the air sweetened by pastries you devoured hours ago. You decided to hide in a wooden cabinet up in the attic, only to end up stuck there. The walls felt like they were closing in on you, the oxygen seeping away from the cracks underneath the door, leaving you deprived of air, of life.

Second, at twelve, when you've come to discover sorrow's new facet, clad in grief's heavy cloak. Your parents adopted a hamster for your birthday, but they did not know he had a terminal disease. You were distraught, to say the least, when you awoke to its still form, death claiming a frail heart unaware of its imminent fate.

And now, third, many many moons later, you are knocking on Hyunjin’s door a few minutes after midnight. It is cold out, tears tracing rivulets on your cheeks, your fingers tinted pink from roaming outside in the harsh winds, your heart much heavier than when you were a child. More grief-stricken, at your own hands, this time.

A disheveled Hyunjin opens the door, his blonde ash hair tousled and sticking upwards, a clear indication of the many times he had run his hands through it in fits of frustration. His gray hoodie zipped up hastily, revealing the silver cross necklace he was wearing, nestling perfectly against his honeyed skin.

You've always had an aversion to seeking comfort, saw it as revealing your deepest vulnerabilities to a world that isn't always kind. It was easier, much simpler to do so when you were a clueless child— when you sank in your cousin Lia's hold as she attempted to steady your breathing, when your mother cradled you in her lap after Pinky died.

It is much harder now, much more embarrassing because Hyunjin has never seen you this sad, never glimpsed your shadows that now swarm his doorstep, unannounced.

“What's wrong?” he quickly asks, eyes darting over your figure in a rapid search for visible wounds. He wouldn’t find any. All your injuries stem from within— blood doesn’t have to be spilled for your heart to weep.

You had rehearsed a lie as you walked up to his doorstep. You would say that your car broke down near his place and ask if you could stay over for the night. He would insist he could drive you to your place and you’d refuse, saying that it was too late and you did not wish to bother him. You’d sleep on the couch and slip away in the early hours of the morning.

Yet, it is the genuine worry etched in his eyes that dismantles the fortress you've hidden in, melts the lie in your throat, morphing it into a steel lump coiling in your throat. He looks concerned when all you’ve had directed towards you recently was anger. And you missed someone looking at you in care, not reproach.

“I didn’t know where else to go.” You admit, your voice shattered, fragments of your vocal cords scattered out in the wind like a broken mosaic, the sound of it scraping against your ears.

Blow one hurt. It felt like your body turned against you as it deprived you of oxygen. The sobs that escaped you once you perceived the light pained you, perhaps more than being confined in the darkness.

Blow two was even worse, it was your first time experiencing grief. It was too hard of a concept for your innocent heart to grasp, too complicated for you to find solace in anything as adults do.

You promised yourself that you’d reserve blow three for monumental agonies— big pains and big sorrows only. That’s how you managed to keep all your tears at bay for most of your life. Would they be worth losing your third sob for? No, you've always found the answer to be.

And in all the twisted scenarios you’ve conjured up in your mind, deaths and illnesses and the haunting tale of failure, you did not imagine that it would happen on Hwang Hyunjin’s doorstep. That you’d burst into sobs at the compassionate look in his gaze, and the sad smile he sent your way. As if he knew, as everyone did around you. That you had handed a knife to a serial killer and it was only a matter of time before he stabbed you in the heart.

Two weeks ago.

“I’m trying to understand you but you aren’t helping me,” Seungmin is frustrated as he paces relentlessly before you from left to right like a swinging pendulum. You sit on the couch, beholding only his shoes, avoiding his gaze that would reflect the truth you dare not confront.

“He’s sucking the life out of you, can’t you see that?”

You can, out of everyone that surrounds you, you can see it the most. You feel as if you are carrying a skin that isn’t your own, weighed down by a relationship that has taken everything from you. But admitting it is admitting that you were wrong, in trusting him, in loving him. You couldn’t bear it.

“We are fine!” you shout back, the defiance in your voice surprises even you. This is a familiar script with Seungmin, a recurring conversation spurred by your puffy eyes and diminishing appetite. He tells you, begs you to leave, but where could you go? How could you leave a home where you've shed all your treasured belongings at the door— your skin, your bones, your very self.

What place would welcome you now that you're stripped bare of your soul?

“When was the last time he made you smile, huh? All he does is hurt you, and you...” he chuckles incredulously, running his hand through his hair. “You are letting him.”

Deny, deny, deny.

“This isn’t true. He loves me,” the words taste foreign in your mouth like rusty metal dragging across your lips. A small voice whispers that love shouldn't feel like this, but you quiet it down.

“Are you hearing yourself? Yn, I…” he kneels before you, his hands resting comfortingly on your knees. This is Seungmin, your best friend of five years. You know he has your best interests at heart, you are even more sure of it when his voice softens, shakes slightly when he utters your name. “Yn, please. I’m trying to help you. Please.”

“I didn’t ask for your help,” you push away his hands, standing up. “I don’t want your help, and I don’t need it.”

You quickly leave Seungmin’s dorm, your heart heavier than when you entered it, foolishly hoping that he'd ignore your distressed state after yet another fight with your boyfriend. But Seungmin doesn't understand, no one around you does— you’ve gambled your heart, and you cannot stop drawing the cards, even in the face of losing strikes.

❁ ❁ ❁

Hyunjin offers you a cup of tea with a gentle smile and you grab the steaming drink from his hands. The smell of chamomile wraps around your senses, and your brain fizzles out for a second before the soothing aroma. But it is a fleeting respite, the tempest of your thoughts crashes back onto you with an unsettling force, causing you to almost drop the drink as your hands shake. You place it down the table without taking a sip.

“I’m sorry for coming unannounced,” you apologize, wincing at the intrusion, “I hope I didn’t wake you up.”

“I always sleep late. Don’t worry about it,” he smiles, but you know it isn’t a genuine grin, because his eyes betray an unsubdued concern, refusing to morph into their usual moon crescents.

You’ve always thought that Hyunjin wears his emotions openly— when he laughed, he did so loudly, his boisterous giggles traveling around Seungmin’s dorm. When he hurt himself, everyone in the vicinity would know so from his loud yelps. And when something worried him, he would bite his lip, toying with the plush flesh to ease his nerves.

As he is doing now. Looking at you.

“We broke up,” you quickly say, and your words hang over you like a gloomy cloud. “But I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Do you want me to fight him? I’ll bring changbin too,” he suggests a serious tone underlying his playful offer, and it manages to tear a reluctant giggle out of you.

“Changbin doesn’t know me well enough to fight for me,” you counteract and he shakes his head. “He’ll fight for me, I'm his princess.”

“Are you now?” The giggle escapes your mouth less forcefully, and the smile that graces Hyunjin’s face is a genuine one.

“I am. My proposal stands,” he extends his hand and you wrap your fingers around his palm. “Thank you, I’ll keep it in mind,” you smile but he frowns, flipping your hand around in his hold.

“You are freezing,” he whispers, using his other palm to rub warmth into yours.

“It’s fine,” you lie, slipping your hand out of his grasp, not feeling deserving of his kindness.

Wordlessly, Hyunjin stands, walking into what you assume is his bedroom. You only know of his place because you dropped off Seungmin here some time ago. You are too exhausted to even drink in the interior.

“Here,” he returns, handing you a navy hoodie of his and black joggers. “This will keep you warm at night.”

“Thank you,” you whisper, hesitating for a few seconds before speaking again. “Can you please not tell Seungmin, I... I can't face him right now.”

“Of course. I’ll be awake still if you do need something.”

Hyunjin’s clothing is warm, although peeling away your own garments felt like shedding layers of your skin, as if the fabric melted into your very flesh, just like memories from the day did. You have never felt this worthless before, discarded like a forgotten leaf on the roadside, one he stepped on for his own enjoyment, leaving you crushed in his wake, unable to fly away again.

Hyunjin’s rose perfume wraps around you, and you find relief in sleeping somewhere where your, his, scent was no longer around. You foolishly hope that if you close your eyes hard enough, you’ll manage to convince yourself that you’re someone else, tonight. Someone who isn’t tethered to the heartache, someone who can slip away from the clutches of a love that hurts more than hate could ever manage to do.

❁ ❁ ❁

Heartbreak isn’t beautiful, no matter how eloquently you try to dress it in the syllables of poetry, no words can soften the burn in your lungs, the searing ache that courses through your very core, reminding you that deep within, down to the fundamentals of your being and the most basic alchemy that ties your atoms together— you are unlovable. Whether you cut your hair or allow it to grow, change your heart, or leave it as it has always been, you will remain so.

You don’t remember much of the past week, blurry fragments here and there that float in your mind like a distorted water reflection. There is little room for memories when you are busy trying to remember how to breathe— one inhale in, one exhale out. The simple concept seems harder when there are unkind hands permanently lodged into your heart, squeezing it tight.

What you do remember is telling Seungmin through text the next day, because you couldn’t bear the way his eyes would soften if you spoke to him in person. No signs of surprise cast on his figure, because he knew that it was long coming, a train with one final inevitable destination— you in shambles, him okay.

You remember Seungmin cradling you in his arms when he came to see you, and you trying desperately to keep the tears at bay— too focused on pinching your arm to let Seungmin’s warmth radiate through your being, Hyunjin lingering uncomfortably by the entrance of his living room.

You remember begging Seungmin to grab your belongings from the apartment you shared with your ex because you were unable to face him, him, and everything that your old place spelled out for you. Stand in the ruins of what you once thought would be your permanent home.

And now, you watch as Seungmin and Hyunjin bring suitcases full of your stuff into the latter’s place. And you feel like an outsider in your own body, standing at the corner of the room gazing at utter destruction, unable to stop it, unable to mend it. Seungmin quickly reassures you that you could crash in his and Minho’s place until you find a new one to live in, already taking out his laptop to search for new apartments for you.

But you did not care for it, your eyes zeroed in on the satin shirt peeking out of your suitcase. The one he bought you on your first month anniversary. Back when love felt like a gentle feather running down your spine, and not a dull knife slicing away at your skin.

“This place's expensive too,” Seungmin sighs, rubbing his temple warily. Your logical best friend could not fix your heartbreak but he took it to heart to alleviate your other troubles. You would thank him for it, later, when your tongue finds enough will to move.

“What if you move in with me?” Hyunjin suddenly says and his words filtrate through the fog in your mind easily, as if he rehearsed them enough times so they’d roll out smoothly out of his mouth. “I mean, Felix is away for the next year since he went back to Australia. And I was looking for a new roommate anyway.” He shrugs and Seungmin turns to look at you, his eyes convey the question his mouth doesn’t articulate— is it okay with you?

“I don’t…” your voice is croaked, so you clear your throat. “I don’t want you to do things out of pity.”

“I’m not. If I was, I would've told you to move in with me for free. I still need you to pay rent,” he raises his eyebrows, a playful tease and you smile in relief, nodding, “Okay, I will. thank you.”

Heartbreak is ugly and all-encompassing, weaving through the roots of your heart and infecting each organ with its insidious touch. It renders you immobile, incapable of performing the simplest tasks, burdened by a weight unseen by the world. But you try your best, your very best to contain it.

You smile at the cashier as she hands back your money only to wonder if her soft, well-manicured hands would too crush a soul without remorse. You go to all your classes without fail but your mind is elsewhere, contemplating why the sun filtering through the windows no longer warms your skin. Can nerve endings perish when subjected to too much pain? What's left of life when you can no longer feel the caress of the sun?

You watch a movie at Seungmin's dorm but your mind is elsewhere, fleeting to this morning and how you refused to stay in the shower for more than three minutes because your thoughts might become haunting ghosts tempting you to follow them. You brush your hair and spray your perfume, only because you have to, because you live with Hyunjin and you wouldn’t want your sadness to taint him too. You wonder how long you’ll have to bear it. You wonder if it’ll ever leave you or if the veins in your heart have molded themselves after the pain and they wouldn’t know how to accept happiness anymore.

You greet Hyunjin as he walks past you, shaking your head when he asks you if you want to eat dinner with him, quickly retracting back into your room. You have ten unread messages and a pile of growing laundry you need to do, but all you can muster is to gaze at the empty walls, mirroring the void within you. Your mom told you to call her again and you don’t know how you’ll speak to her without bursting into a sob, how you’ll tell her that all it took was one person to break you. Or maybe it was two people, your hands and his tearing apart your flesh and bones. Maybe that’s the worst part about it. So you don’t call her.

And you only ever emerge from your room when you need to, just like now because your water bottle is finished and you need to refill it. You go to open the kitchen door when you hear Hyunjin’s muted shatter, Felix’s distinctive deep voice coming out of the phone speaker.

“Next you add the melted butter and stir it,” Felix instructs, the sounds of pots and utensils clinking in the background. You fidget slightly, mustering the strength to paint a fake smile on your lips.

“What next?”

“Sift the dry ingredients then add them to your wet mixture,” Felix explains, met with a few seconds of silence. You can almost visualize Hyunjin's perplexed expression, blinking rapidly in confusion.

“Explain it to me like I’m five years old,” he requests, prompting a small smile to etch itself onto your face.

“How are you surviving without me?”

“I’m not please come home,” Hyunjin sounds horrified as Felix’s rich chuckles fill the air. “Why do you suddenly want to make brownies anyway?” he then asks.

You go to open the door when Hyunjin’s response catches you off guard.

“They’re for Yn.”

Hyunjin's words resonate in the air, causing a hitch in your throat and Felix’s teasing whistles simultaneously, but Hyunjin is quick to stop him. “No, no, no, it’s not like that. They’re just a bit down and I remember them loving your brownies. So…”

It takes you a fleeting moment to dig the memory out of your mind, a year ago, right before your ex came to pick you up from Seungmin’s dorm. You had a bite of Felix’s brownies, a surprised gasp escaping your lips at its delicious taste, back when food had taste and happiness came easily to you. It was an insignificant memory, you did not imagine Hyunjin, out of everyone, would remember it.

But he did, and he’s now pacing before your closed door, contemplating how he’ll convince you to finally eat something with him. He throws a thumbs-up in the air for no one but himself, inhaling deeply before knocking on your door.

“Hey,” he greets with a hopeful smile, his gaze meeting your tired form. He hesitates for a second, clearing his throat. “Brownies?” You remain unmoving and he falters, “Hm? Please?”

“Sure,” you nod and a wave of relief floods through Hyunjin as you step out of your room. His joy is short-lived when he takes the brownies out of the oven, only to find them thoroughly burnt.

His mouth hangs agape, and he walks back shamefully to the oven, lowering its door only to scream inside of it.

“This will be more therapeutic,” you say, pointing nonchalantly to the fridge and he agrees, opening its doors and yelling once again in the much larger space.

Your melodic laughter fills the kitchen, Hyunjin’s embarrassment is suddenly a forgotten memory.

“I’m craving kimbap. Should we get it instead?” you propose, a touch shyly and he quickly agrees, afraid you’d change your mind and walk back to your room where he can no longer ensure you are okay.

Hyunjin absentmindedly dances along to the music blasting through the convenience store when a girl sidles up to his side, a saccharine grin on her lips as she looks up at him, “hi,” she greets and his tentative smile mirrors hers. “Hey.”

“Are you single?” she asks, her gaze briefly fleeting to the window. “I think you are really cute.”

“I’m…” he glances at you but you're suddenly engrossed in the ingredients of the tuna kimbap you are holding, pretending not to listen. “I am but I’m not interested, thank you.”

“Oh, come on,” she places a hand on his arm and he physically recoils. “Give me your insta and we could talk.”

“No,” he repeats, grabbing her hand to remove it when a loud voice startles him. “Baby, what’s taking you so— What are you doing?” Hyunjin watches in horror as the girl’s eyes grow wide, before she scrambles to the man’s side, feigning fear.

“He kept hitting on me when I said I had a boyfriend, baby.”

“What?” both you and Hyunjin gasped in comical unison. He would find it amusing if not for the escalating anger radiating from the man, who looks like he spends all his days in the gym. Hyunjin suddenly regrets not working out with Changbin.

The man strides towards Hyunjin. “Do you want to die?”

“No? there’s a misunderstanding,” he replies, swiftly standing before you and shielding you with his arm. “Your… baby,” he wiggles his finger in front of the man's face, “she was the one hitting on me!”

The man scoffs loudly, his face growing redder from the anger seething in him. “So you hit on my girlfriend and then accuse her of cheating?” His fist rises threateningly, prompting Hyunjin to step back, accidentally bumping into your chest.

“Wait, wait, wait! Let’s go talk outside, man to man,” Hyunjin pauses, his voice taking on a taunting edge, “unless you're too scared?” he smirks as he feels you pull at his shirt, whispering an incredulous- “What are you doing?” He shakes his head, grabbing your hand and leading you outside, throwing a sly wink at the man behind you now.

“Are you seriously going to fight him?” you ask, your gaze shifting towards the deranged couple who are about to step out of the grocery store. “No, of course not. I'm a lover, not a fighter.”

“You said you'd fight my ex,” you point out and his eyes soften surprisingly.

“You are an exception.” He looks back at the man, who's now walking towards you both. “But anyways, do you know how to run?” he asks and you frown, “who doesn’t know how to—” you pause as realization dawns on you. “No," you whisper furiously.

“Yes.”

“No,” you shake your head, horrified and he nods, eyes apologetic.

“Yes.” His fingers entwine with yours, he squeezes your hand once before he takes off running.

“Hwang fucking Hyunjin!” you shout and he looks back at you, a mischievous smile on his face. “I’m sorry Yn my face is too pretty to be beaten up.”

“He’s following us!” you yell, looking back horrified as the, even angrier, man runs after you.

“Well, run faster!”

“I’m wearing fucking slippers!” you curse and he giggles, tipping his head back, the wind slamming into you both, his hand never letting go of your own.

“Oh my god why is he still running!” you groan and Hyunjin picks up speed, moving you even closer to his sprinting figure

“I know, is it ever that serious?” he yells above his shoulder and you dig your nails into his palm.

“Shut up, this wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t so gorgeous.”

“So, you think I’m pretty too?” Hyunjin grins proudly and an incredulous laugh escapes your lips.

“Really? Is this what you’re getting out of this situation?”

“Silver linings, Yn, silver linings,” he shouts as you round a small alley, finally stopping to catch your breath. You both fall to the ground, heavy breaths escaping your chests.

“Holy shit, I’m not athletic at all,” he heaves, his eyes meeting yours. He expects to find anger lingering in your gaze but all he can grasp is your amused smile before you collapse into a fit of laughter, clapping loudly and clutching your stomach with your hand.

“Oh my god, I’m crying,” you laugh harder, wiping away at the tears falling from your eyes. Hyunjin’s weariness disappears in the blink of an eye— he did not realize how much he missed your smile until he glimpsed it again. And it is beautiful. Happiness looks beautiful on you.

“Idiot,” you hit his shoulder playfully, and his response is delayed for a few seconds, the warmth from your smile rendering him immobile.

“I’m sorry,” he chuckles, pulling you up. “Here, I’ll carry you home,” he squats slightly before you. “How impolite of me. How dare I make your majesty run.”

You shake your head, amused, before climbing atop his back, his warm palms holding your thighs securely. “Only because the slippers hurt my feet.”

You walk in silence for a while, your arms wound up around Hyunjin’s neck, the ghost of a smile still lingering on both your faces.

“They said it will snow tomorrow,” Hyunjin speaks suddenly and you stay silent for so long he starts to wonder if you even heard him.

“Mm? That’s nice,” your tone is melancholic, and he pauses at the peculiar sadness in it— as though you were trying to act nonchalant about something that has once meant the world to you.

“Don’t you like the snow?” he asks and your hold on his neck falters.

“I loved it. Loved ice skating and building snowmen.” Your voice is light and airy, like Hyunjin’s favorite mint chocolate ice cream. “But now it reminds me of bad times, bad memories.”

“I understand.”

Hyunjin knows what it feels like to relinquish parts of yourself you never wished to part from. For someone to grab your happiest places and to cast a gloomy filter atop them. Sometimes it is the loss of a season that hurts more than the departure of a person.

And Hyunjin loves winter.

He’ll do everything so that you’ll come to love it again too.

❁ ❁ ❁

Is it a nightmare if the person in it is one you once loved, looked forward to beholding with your gaze, hoping they’d never slip out of your reach? You don’t know, but you are growing tired of having the same dreams every night. Of waking up with an exhaustion that goes beyond your restless sleep but pleads from your soul to rest after almost a year of torment.

You sigh wearily, rubbing a hand through your face before walking to the kitchen to retrieve a glass of water. You find Hyunjin there, eating a cupcake while standing shirtless, scrolling through his phone. You blink at the sight.

“Hey,” you clear your throat and he startles, dropping the cupcake on the ground. He goes to pick it up only to bang his head on the table, a loud yelp escaping his lips. You barely contain your giggles as you walk to his side, rubbing your palm soothingly on his head. “I'm sorry I didn't mean to scare you.”

“At least pretend you are sorry,” he mumbles, pointing to your amused smile and you chuckle, taking his hand and helping him to his feet.

“What are you doing up now?” he asks as he grabs some napkins to clean up the pink frosting smeared across the floor.

You hesitate for a few seconds before whispering, “Just nightmares. And you?” you quickly add, not keen on pushing the subject any further.

“I'm working on a song,” he explains, as his gaze lingers on your sunken eyes, weighed down by dark circles from too many sleepless nights.

“And the cupcake?”

“Some people need caffeine to function. I need flour.”

“I literally see you drink three americanos per day.”

“Okay well maybe I need both,” he admits sheepishly and you grin, drumming your fingers along the countertop.

“Can I sit with you while you work?” you ask quickly, before the words linger enough in your mouth that you no longer wish to spit them out.

The smile that Hyunjin sends you is kind, pushing the shadows of your nightmares just slightly out of reach.

“Of course, yeah you can. Don’t even need to ask.”

Hyunjin walks first into his bedroom, quickly slipping on a hoodie while you take in the interior. It is a quite simple room— a large bed with gray covers, and a desk filled with what you assume to be his producing equipment sits adjacent. But what catches your attention is the dried rose hung delicately on the wall, and the array of paintings surrounding it. You edge closer to it, drawn to the well-crafted paintings— a sun-drenched beach, a couple lost in an embrace so intimate their forms can no longer be separated, and an elderly pair riding a motorcycle, their love radiating vibrantly as if enclosed in eternal youth.

“You paint?” you ask, turning around to find Hyunjin watching you. He steps closer, enveloping you once more in the fragrance of his rose perfume.

“In my free time.”

“You are amazing, Hyunjin,” you compliment sincerely, your gaze fixed on that imagery of the old couple, one that most likely grew together. It tugs at your heartstrings, stirs a painful longing within you, a memory of a time when you too believed you’d find such boundless love.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, before brushing his fingertips gently against your forearm, for a fleeting second. “Are you okay?” he asks, a tenderness you’ve been aching for latched into his question. Your eyes refuse to peel away from the paintings and the love spilling from each paint brush stroke, a love that refuses to rest on your being as if you were harboring an armor that repels it.

“No,” you reply sincerely, turning to face him. “It’s really hard,” you say with a smile, hoping that the mechanical display of happiness would keep your tears at bay, tricking your brain into believing you're not as sad as you feel.

It fails to do so, and the tears well in your eyes like a gathering storm. Frustration twists your features as you shut your eyes, tilting your head upward in a desperate attempt to contain the flood. It pauses as Hyunjin cradles the back of your head, drawing you close to the warmth of his neck. His palm glides soothingly along your spine, before patting your back ever so gently.

Your back stiffens, hands curling into tight fists, breath catching in your throat. You've grown accustomed to pushing away comfort, putting up tall barriers to shield yourself. But tonight, Hyunjin seems to break through your defenses.

Tonight, you soften, fingers curling into the fabric of his shirt, head nestling deeper against his tender skin.

“It wasn’t your fault,” he whispers and another sob wracks through you, but he only holds you tighter. “It’ll get better soon.”

“I loved him,” you hiccup, your voice breaks, “a lot.”

“I know, that’s why it hurts.” His voice is gentle, and yet his hold on you feels secure as if you could stumble and fall, and he would be there to catch you

“I want it to stop hurting.”

“It will, with time.”

Your next words are tinged with a childlike vulnerability, reminiscent of blow one, then two. But you do not care for it, in that instant, you crave the reassurance, you need someone to plant a seed of hope in your soul because your hands are too frail to dig for it.

“Do you promise me?”

His response doesn’t come hastily, carelessly thrown into the air like idle chatters. He takes his time, considering it with the gravity of an oath.

“I promise you.” He finally says, each syllable infused with sincerity. A brief pause hangs in the air before he adds. “And if it doesn’t then you can hit me.”

“On your pretty face?” you ask, a smile tugging at your lips despite yourself.

“On my pretty face,” he confirms with a chuckle.

“What an honor,” you roll your eyes playfully as you lean back and he grins, tenderly wiping away your tears with the back of his fingers.

“I can't believe it took three minutes for you to cry in my room. This isn’t good for my reputation.”

“Good thing this will never leave this bedroom, right?” you point a finger at him threateningly, and he pretends to zip his lips, tossing away the imaginary key. “You got it.”

“So what are you working on?” you ask as you settle on the edge of his bed, knees drawn up to your chest.

“It’s a pretty sad song, wanna hear?” he offers, sitting across from you on his chair.

“Yeah, I'd love to,” you smile, and Hyunjin deftly adjusts a few buttons, before his melancholic whistles weave through the air, coupled with the somber melody of a piano. Your breath catches in your throat, the music reaching into the very depths of your soul. It's as if the notes are calling out for a loved one, for a time that has long passed, for a past that will never come back no matter how much we long for it.

The instrumental continues, each piano note and each violin string echo like a bittersweet lament, springing tears to your eyes. But the melody remains beautiful, akin to the beauty always found in the sadness— in the tears that cascade down your cheeks like glistening crystals, in the tremble of your hands akin to branches swaying in the wind, in the rise and fall of your chest with each breath, mirroring the ebb and flow of the waves.

Hyunjin watches you intently as the music envelops you both, his gaze softening with each passing moment. You bring a hand to your chest, almost unconsciously, too engrossed in the melody to even blink. He feels a blush sprout on his cheeks as your teary eyes hold his with the last fading guitar strings.

“You keep on making me cry,” you whisper, your voice choked with emotion, and he grins, tilting his head shyly against his shoulder.

“You like it?” he asks, a tad eager and you nod, not bothering to wipe the lone tears that are falling down your cheeks.

“I think this is what my loneliness sounds like,” you confess softly.

“As do mine.”

A silent beat runs between you both, it isn’t uncomfortable, but safe. Because you understand him, just as he understands you.

“Sometimes I long for things that have passed," he admits, “although I know I can't get them anymore.”

“The most terrible thing you can long for is yourself.”

“Because no one’s to blame for that loss but you?” he muses and you nod, a sad smile tugging at your lips. “Yeah, exactly.”

You bite your lip, casting a glance back at the paintings adorning the wall. “I don't love him anymore,” you begin quietly. “I stopped a long time ago because there was no room for love anymore to grow amid weeds and thorns.”

He remains silent, sensing that this is a weight you need to unburden yourself from.

“But in the midst of it I think I stopped loving myself too,” you whisper, a confession too terrible to be uttered out loud. “That's what I long for. The things I used to love that I'm indifferent to now.”

“Like you’re a stranger before everything once familiar to you.”

“Yeah, you express it prettily,” you remark with a small smile.

“It's my job,” he grins lightly.

“I think when your heart is pure,” he begins after a while, pausing to carefully choose the words that will soothe your burn, help sleep come more easily to you. “You give love to others more readily than you do to yourself. And it takes time, patience, to redirect that love back to your own heart once again. But it's not a mistake to love, you shouldn’t hate yourself for it. Nor should you blame your past self for loving the wrong person because they did not know what you now do.”

“Think of it as a caterpillar in their cocoon,” he continues gently, “when they finally emerge from their chrysalis, they might long for who they were, where they once were because it is the only place they've ever known. But they do not realize that they've transformed into a beautiful butterfly, that they can now fly, and witness much more than their chrysalis. So maybe, your new self will love the same things as before, or maybe you’ll find new, better things to love that you would have not known before. But in either way, your heart is beautiful. That is what matters, no?”

A small pout draws on your lips, your eyebrows scrunched as you gaze at him.

“You have a very tender soul, Hyunjin.”

Your words linger in Hyunjin's mind long after the sunrise, as you lay peacefully asleep on his bed. The melody of the instrumental he produced continues to play faintly in the background, serving as a gentle lullaby that eases you into slumber, entwined in his sheets, your arms wrapped protectively around yourself, one hand cradling your shoulders and the other resting gently on your stomach. The image sears into his eyes as he sketches the outlines of a figure holding itself absentmindedly, long into the night.

Hyunjin has had his fair share of compliments, mostly pertaining to his face, and others to his craft. but it is you who seems to have sensed that a part of his soul resided in his art, that he left pieces of his heart hidden in the notes he composes and the lyrics he writes, hoping they’ll find soft hands that will take care of them, just like your own.

Five days later.

hyunjin [11:34 p.m.]: are you home?

yn [11:34 p.m.]: yeahh, do you need anything?

hyunjin [11:35 p.m.]: come downstairs, im waiting for youu

if you say no i’ll freeze to death..

hurry i can’t feel my fingers anymore (please please) ㅠㅠㅠ

“This better be a life and death situation Hwang Hyunjin,” you say threateningly as soon as you appear before Hyunjin, causing him to straighten up from the wall he was leaning against.

“It is a very dangerous life-altering situation that requires your immediate assistance, indeed,” he responds solemnly, ushering you gently to his car and opening the door for you.

“Which is?” you ask as soon as he settles inside the car and he simply grins at you, his left dimple coming forth like the very sun on a gloomy day.

“You’ll see.”

Hyunjin’s eyes fleet to your figure every now and then, but you do not seem to notice, your gaze lost into the blurring lights ahead. He can tell you're still not entirely yourself, so he was prepared to forcibly drag you along with him. He’s almost surprised you accepted to come down so easily.

“Is that… Seungmin?” you speak suddenly, pointing to a man waving in the distance, as Hyunjin parks his car near an empty field.

“And Changbin? And Minho?” you continue, squinting your eyes, “and a bonfire?” you giggle with a hint of excitement.

“You love s’mores during the winter, right?”

Hyunjin smiles, your soul softens.

“I do,” you say quietly, “I really do.”

You quickly exit the car, running into Seungmin's arms with a grin of disbelief plastered on your face. “This is insane,” you almost shout, squeezing him tight in a hug.

“It was so hard to find the perfect middle of nowhere for this,” Minho grumbles as you move to greet him, but the warmth of his embrace assures you he's only teasing.

“Thank you,” you say with a smile as you hug Changbin, who affectionately ruffles your hair. “It was Hyunjin’s idea,” he reveals, and you glance back at Hyunjin, who stands with his hands buried deep within his sweatpants behind you. You mouth a silent “thank you” to him, but he shakes his head modestly as if it is nothing to bring happiness to a bruised heart.

The night unfolds in endless laughter, with Minho and Hyunjin taking turns roasting marshmallows over the crackling bonfire, and Seungmin serving you hot coffee to keep your hands warm. Your stomach aches from the uncontrollable fits of giggles that overtook your being as Minho recounts the time he danced so vigorously on stage for his dance club that he ripped his pants, feeling a breeze where there shouldn't be one; and Changbin tells you the story of the time his voice cracked in the middle of a rap battle, and how none of the boys stopped teasing him about it for months to come.

And as the four of them take turns making you laugh, a quiet, tender realization dawns on you—you are loved. It is something he tried to convince you was impossible, that no one around truly cared for you but him. And even then, you weren’t deserving of his love whole, only scrapes of it, as if you were a beggar tugging at the outskirts of his heart.

But Hyunjin reminded you otherwise. And if your friends found something worthy of love within you then perhaps so will you again, one day.

“Did you have fun?” Hyunjin asks as he opens the door to his, your, apartment hours later. What he doesn't expect is for you to respond by wrapping your arms around his slender torso, squeezing tight in gratitude.

“Thank you,” you whisper and he nods, though you cannot see him, returning the embrace by wrapping his arms around your shoulder blades.

Hyunjin doesn't let go first, sensing that perhaps you need this hug more than he does. He smiles as your eyes meet his again, but his grin falters when he notices your gaze flickering towards your bedroom, a hint of unease clouding your expression. It's as if behind that door lie monsters only you can grasp, wearing the faces of people you once knew, once loved.

“Wanna stay with me while I work on the song?”

“Last time I ended up sleeping on your bed,” you say a bit shamefully, recalling the morning you woke up to find yourself covered with a thick blanket that wasn’t there before, alone in Hyunjin's room.

“It's okay,” he shrugs, “I missed sleeping on the couch.”

You stare pointedly at him and he chuckles, “Fine, I did not miss it. But you needed the sleep, so it’s okay with me.”

“Fine,” you concede, though you did not need much convincing for it. “But only if you promise you’ll wake me up if I end up falling asleep again.”

Hyunjin tilts his head, thinking to himself for a few seconds before shaking his head stubbornly, a small pout drawn on his face, his eyes semi-closed. “No.”

“Hyunjin!”

“Nu-uh,” he insists, shaking his head once more as he walks back towards his room. “I'm waiting for you!”

“I'm not coming!”

But you do eventually join him, after changing your clothes and washing your face. You find Hyunjin clad in beige and white checkered pajamas, his glasses pushing back his silky hair as he hunches over his journal, scribbling away before erasing what he wrote.

“Struggling with lyrics?” you ask, leaning against the wall and he startles. “Do you float on the ground? Why can I never hear you come in?”

“Or maybe you just love being dramatic,” you sing-song, laying atop his bed, much more at ease than the previous night.

Hyunjin sticks his tongue out childishly in response, and you playfully mimic the gesture before both of you dissolve into happy giggles.

“Kind of,” he explains once you both settle down, “I have this specific feeling in mind that I need to convey.”

“You'll do well,” you reassure softly, “your lyrics are always so beautiful. Remember Cover me?” you smile and he scratches the back of his ear, a shy grin spreading across his face.

“You still listen to it?” he asks and you nod eagerly, attempting to belt into Seungmin’s ending high note. You fail horribly and Hyunjin throws a crumpled piece of paper on your face to get you to stop singing.

“My poor ears,” he laughs loudly, and you retaliate by throwing back a pillow on his head.

“You just don’t get my artistic abilities.”

“I’d get them more if you stayed silent.”

You gasp, faking offense as you stand up to tickle Hyunjin on his chair, he starts squirming immediately, his loud giggles spilling all over the room, coating it in vibrant hues of happiness, and you’re suddenly captivated by the sight of him— his head thrown back, a golden lock framing his laughter-filled eyes, his top lowering slightly to reveal glimpses of his collarbones and the delicate veins that trace enticing paths on his neck.

You pause, your hand hovering over the side of his stomach, as a long-forgotten warmth spreads through your heart, like the first rays of dawn greeting the earth after a long winter night. It doesn’t diffuse quickly through your being, but rather drapes like sticky honey on your veins, making you well aware of your growing blush, of how beautiful Hyunjin is in his joy.

“Never singing to you again,” you clear your throat, laying atop his bed once again, and quickly reaching for your phone, anything to avoid his eyes which rival the crescent moon outside his window.

Hours pass before a warm hand gently settles on your shoulder, rousing you from your slumber. Blinking away the fog of sleep, you find Hyunjin leaning over you, his grin wide and infectious. “Wake up,” he whispers, but you only groan, burying your face deeper into his pillow.

He doesn’t yield, taking hold of your wrist and guiding your drowsy figure upright, before wrapping the blanket snugly around your shoulders. Without a word, he leads you out onto his balcony, carefully putting his neon green beanie on your head to shield you from the cold.

“It’s snowing!” he smiles, and his excited tone manages to dissipate the fog in your mind. You blink repeatedly and soon enough, you too behold the fallen snowflakes, each one resembling a tiny speck of light bidding farewell to the sky to greet the earth.

“You missed the first snow so I didn’t want you to miss this one too,” he explains, and his thoughtfulness blankets you with a warmth that seeps into every crevice in your body, drips down your fingertips and makes the cold of 4 a.m. seem less harsh, less biting to the touch.

You don’t know how to say thank you, because those two words don’t encapsulate the depths of gratitude that you feel for Hyunjin. Because he is speaking to the person within you who still loves snow, the part buried underneath layers of dust from a ground heartbreak. But you still manage to hear him, and you squeeze his hand tightly, and he doesn’t let go until you finally do.

❁ ❁ ❁

Remembering has become easier for you these past two months— both the good and the bad. And each day, the scale tips towards one side or the other. Sometimes you recall the suffocation you felt with him, the feeling that no matter what you did you could never please him, that your hands were crafted to break rather than mend. And on those days your wound grows, it throbs and bleeds different emotions.

Sometimes it's anger— at him for treating your heart so carelessly as if you were a being devoid of feeling. And then at you— for staying, for giving him excuses and desperately searching for goodness within him, for the one redeeming quality that would convince you he was worth the pain.

And other days bring an excruciating sadness along, a weight that presses down upon you until you're paralyzed. Because you feel bad for yourself and for everything you went through. Because you’re unsure how to rise when unseen hands push you deeper into the abyss.

And on these days, Seungmin becomes your anchor. He buys your favorite food, skips classes with you, and takes you to your favorite gardens. He talks and he talks and you try your best to laugh because you do not wish to worry him more. It is enough to be your own burden, you do not wish to burden him too.

But when he drops you home, your facade slips away, the smile fading from your face as if it were never truly yours to wear. You are too tired to pretend so you don’t, and Hyunjin doesn’t let you, either. He brews you tea and orders takeout because he knows you lack the energy for cooking. He goes with you on walks and drapes you in pieces of his clothing— scarves and beanies and gloves because he knows you couldn’t care less about a cold when there is a frost coating your bones. He lets you sit in his room while he works on his songs, and while he paints. Sometimes you talk and often you don't need to. But he’s there. He's there with you.

But you also remember the good. You remember your movie night with the boys, Hyunjin building an entire fort for you, adorned with twinkling lights and the softest blankets. How you watched movies until 5 a.m. your bodies so closely huddled together that there was no room left for sadness.

You recall Hyunjin begging you to build a snowman with him at the crack of dawn, the two of you collapsing in fits of laughter as you threw snowballs at one another, your footsteps marking the fresh fallen snow.

You remember being so exhausted after one of your showers that you simply laid atop the couch, gaze fixed on the void, too drained to even untangle the knots in your hair. Yet, it is not the tiredness that you exactly recall, nor the salty tears you shed underneath the scorching water jet. But it is Hyunjin's tender hands as he brushed through your hair, his fingers tracing the nape of your neck, his knuckles ghosting over the slate of your shoulder. You remember whispering that it was a particularly hard day and Hyunjin understanding. You remember him watching many YouTube tutorials to prepare your favorite seaweed soup, only for it to end up being too salty. But you still ate it all, because he made it for you, to lift your wounded spirits. And that alone was enough for it to taste good.

You remember your heart hardening then softening again, breaking then stitching itself back together, closing off then blooming like flowers on the first day of spring. You remember smiling only to cry then smile again. And you remember liking snow, a bit more than you thought you would. Because Hyunjin was there, holding your trembling hand, steadying it enough for you to rewrite your memories with winter.

So, you want to say thank you.

You do not wish to spell it out, because there are too many things to thank Hyunjin for and too few words to do so. Instead, you drag him to the farmer’s market near your home, and you tell him to help you pick flowers.

“I could be in bed watching my favorite show and yet here I am bestowing you with my enchanting presence,” he sighs, not too modestly, as you both eye the array of colorful blooms.

“Okay, Shakespeare, are you done?” you roll your eyes, attempting your best to hide your grin.

“Done annoying you? Never. These are very pretty,” he adds, pointing to the white roses in full bloom, their delicate petals emitting a sweet fragrance into the air.

“I agree, what else should we add?” you ponder, picking out four roses.

“Mm, Hibiscus? The red in the center is so vibrant,” he suggests, taking out his phone to capture the flower.

“Cute. Baby breath’s would look good too,” you say as you gather the flowers, heading to the cashier with Hyunjin trailing behind, still admiring the delicate blooms.

“Can I write a note?” you ask the middle-aged man as he wraps the bouquet in a powder blue paper.

“Sure,” he replies with a smile, and you return the gesture, quickly jotting down your words.

“Are you done?” Hyunjin grins when you return to his side and you nod, exiting the flower shop.

“What do you think?” you ask, angling the bouquet towards him.

“It's beautiful.”

“It’s yours,” you smile, growing shier at the intensity of his gaze as it lands on you, then the flowers, then on you again. “Take it,” you hand it to him, your cheeks flushing like the hibiscus’s crimson core.

“Actually?” he says softly, his fingers trembling slightly as he accepts the flowers and you nod in response. You bite your lip as you watch him take out the note, his eyes softening once he reads the words inscribed in it— thank you for making my winter less cold.

“Should we go?” you say a tad too cheerfully, turning away, but Hyunjin grabs your wrist, spinning you around once more. His fingers trail up your arm, coming to rest gently on your cheek as he leans down to plant a tender kiss there.

“Thank you,” he murmurs, his lips lingering against your skin for a moment longer than necessary. You think that if his soft lips grace your skin a few times more, your nerve endings might forget the harshness they were subjected to. If his gentle hands remain on your cheeks, then maybe, your heart would heal quicker, better. Maybe your past self that you long for would emerge again, maybe Hyunjin would be able to unearth it.

Your hopeful thoughts disappear as quickly as they arrive, overshadowed by a sense of helplessness that crashes over you, all of the sudden. You sense him before you hear him, the familiar anxiety that is only synonymous with your ex’s presence.

“Yn?” the sound of your name feels harsher in his mouth, the syllables spat out rather than spoken tenderly, as they are when Hyunjin pronounces it. Your veins run cold as his voice pierces the air, your heart skipping three beats at once before plummeting to your knees. You wrap your hand around Hyunjin’s forearm instinctively, and he looks down at you, his expression morphing into one of concern.

You’re unsure of what he sees in you— whether it is your pale face, the quiver of your lower lip, or the fear that has coated all your features— but his eyes harden, his brows furrowing as he gazes at the man behind you.

You refuse to turn around, bracing yourself for his next words. “Yn,” he repeats his tone laced with anger, his fingertips grazing your arm as if intending to force you to face him. But before he can touch you, Hyunjin intervenes, swiftly stepping in between you and your ex, shielding you with his own body protectively.

“Leave,” Hyunjin's voice is cold, dripping with a venomous edge you've never heard from him before, his jaw clenching with barely contained fury.

“Is this your new shiny toy, Yn?” your ex taunts and his voice cuts through your being against your will, triggering a flood of memories you've tried so desperately to suppress. Memories of his cruelty, his manipulation, and the pain he inflicted upon you—using your love as a weapon to bolster his own ego.

“What's in it for you?” you find your voice again, though it trembles when you speak. He is the very embodiment of your pain and everything you loathe about yourself. You wish for the ground to swallow you whole, for a bolt of lightning to strike the earth, anything to spare you from facing him.

“It's only been three months, I didn't know you were a whore.”

Hyunjin's fist connects with his cheek before you can register his words. It all unfolds so rapidly that you barely have time to comprehend it. Your ex staggers back, blood trickling from the cut on his lip, while Hyunjin stands before you, his chest heaving with restrained anger, his right hand clenched into a fist, the bouquet still held tightly in the other.

“Fine, I deserved it,” your ex chuckles, his voice laced with mockery as he wipes the blood from his lip. His gaze meets yours briefly behind Hyunjin's back.

“You might not be a whore but you are unlovable, keep that in mind.” He spits out before walking away, crude words that tear at every scab covering your wounds, reopening them with a brutal force. Hyunjin moves to follow him, but you grab his shirt, pulling him back.

“He’s not worth it,” you murmur.

Your words seem to snap Hyunjin out of his haze as he turns to look at you, worry cast across his figure. He moves to cradle your cheeks but you step back, refusing to meet his eyes. He swallows thickly, clutching the bouquet in his hands. “Are you okay?”

You let out a heavy sigh, your shoulders slumping as you shake your head slightly. “Let's just go home,” you whisper, eyes fleeting to his for a split second. All the lights in your gaze are muted.

You’re crumbling before him once again and he cannot stop it, no matter how much he yearns to.

It's long past midnight when you find yourself seated on the floor of your living room, a bottle of red wine placed between you and Hyunjin. You exchange it wordlessly, taking turns sipping from it, the alcohol warming your insides but doing little to ease the ache in your heart. You don’t exactly recall when Hyunjin sat next to you, but you don’t mind. You were too lost in your own thoughts to even register his presence.

“Yn,” he calls out softly and you hum absentmindedly, memories of when your ex spoke your name haunting you, each time he yelled your name, uttered it in disdain as if it was the starting point of everything wrong with you.

“Talk to me, please?” he pleads, angling his body towards your own. But you refuse to meet his eyes and Hyunjin’s heart twists in his chest. He is afraid of all the ugly thoughts that must roam your mind. He wishes he could enter it, open the windows wide, and usher the light in.

“I'm sorry you were dragged into this,” you say, your gaze fixated on the bouquet placed atop the table. The crimson painted on the hibiscus’ petals reminds you of the blood that spilled from your ex’s mouth, and your gaze fleets to Hyunjin's hand, slightly bruised from the punch.

“Don’t apologize,” he whispers, “there is nothing to be sorry for.”

It’s as though you don’t hear him, your fingers trailing gently across his scraped knuckles, tears pooling in your eyes the more you stare at his hand.

“Does it hurt?” you ask, voice thick with emotion, and Hyunjin’s quick to shake his head. “No, don’t worry about it. He deserved it.”

“You didn’t deserve to be hurt.”

“Neither did you.”

Your disbelieving scoff that follows scares him. What if you’re slipping away into a dark place yet again, one void and barricaded, in which the only sound that echoes is your ex’s hurtful words? What if he can’t reach you again?

“If the only person I’ve ever loved says I’m unlovable then maybe I am.”

You’re drunk, you wouldn’t have said such an ugly thing otherwise, wouldn’t have allowed this sentiment to materialize into the air, to take a tangible form apart from your abstract thoughts.

“No,” Hyunjin says in a panic as though he’s trying to quickly pull the brakes on your free-railing thoughts. He cups your face between his palms, your tears falling freely atop his hands but he does not move away.

“No,” he repeats, more calmly this time. “How he treated you is a reflection of who he is. And how you see him is a reflection of who you are. And you wanted him to be loving because you’re full of love. You wanted him to be good because you are a good person. And he can’t stomach that, can’t stomach that you are happy without him so he’s trying to ruin you again.”

“Hyunjin…” you shake your head but he only inches closer to you, his thumbs gently caressing your cheekbones. “No, listen to me. Seungmin loves you so much he couldn’t eat properly for the first few days you stayed here, texted me all the time asking me how you were and if you were feeling better. He isn't good with words so instead he tries to make you laugh. He wishes he could give up parts of his happiness for you.”

A sob swells within you but Hyunjin presses on. “And Minho, he tried to memorize all your favorite recipes so he could cook them for you. It isn’t a coincidence that every time we go over to their dorm it is your favorite food that we eat. He takes more pictures of his cats these days so he could send them to you because he knows it cheers you up.”

“You told me Changbin doesn’t know you well enough to fight for you but when we saw your ex across the campus one day he wanted to get up and beat him. He always asks me if you are well and if there is something he can do for you, anything.”

He inhales deeply, tears welling up in his eyes as well. “And me…” a tender smile graces his lips as he gazes at you, “you make this house a home. I feel like my true self when you are around and loneliness doesn’t come to me as often as it did. Because you are here. You are like a beam of sunlight that lightens up every life you touch, mine first,” he’s baring his soul to you, vulnerable yet resolute. “So tell me, Yn, what’s not to love in you when you yourself are so full of love?”

“Hyune,” you speak the nickname for the first time, and Hyunjin’s heart thrashes achingly around his ribcage. “If you keep talking like this I might end up loving you,” you smile sadly at him as if it is a terrible thing to be loved by you.

“But I don’t want to love you, because I won’t know how to, not anymore. So I'll end up leaving. And I'll long for you, and I don't think I can stomach longing for you from afar.”

“So please,” you place one hand atop his own, wipe away the lone tear rolling down his cheek. “Don’t make me love you, hm? You deserve more than to be loved by someone like me.”

You leave Hyunjin in the living room, alone before the white flowers you gifted him. He doesn’t want to put them away in a vase, for as soon as he grabbed them from your hold, everything around you both crumbled. So he leaves them there for the night, the creamy white petals aglow underneath the moonlight. He spends the night painting the bouquet from memory, but the petals end up too tinged with red, perhaps mirroring the blood his heart refuses to stop spilling still.

He did not realize it before, maybe he blinded himself so he wouldn’t see what was before him all along. But it is all the clearer to him now— that in his attempts to make you love winter again, Hyunjin only ended up loving you.

A week later.

hyune [1:25 a.m.]: i miss you

You and Hyunjin spent the last seven days avoiding one another, well you more than him. He just understood your silent plea when you took a step back the one time he tried to talk to you in the kitchen, swallowing thickly before inching away, allowing you to move past him.

You did not know how to face him after what he said, partly because you were embarrassed by your own response, mostly because even in your drunken daze, his words etched themselves permanently into your memory.

It is his reassuring words that echoed in your brain for the past week, not those of your ex.

hyune [1: 26 a.m.]: and i miss sleeping on the couch

You giggle, shaking your head before replying.

yn [1:26 a.m.]: no you don’t

hyune [1:26 a.m.]: no i don’t ㅠㅠ

but i finished the song

wanna hear?

Walking to Hyunjin’s room feels as familiar as going into your own. And when your gaze finally meets his you can’t help but break into a relieved smile. It was foolish of you to punish yourself, enough people have done that for you already.

“Hey,” he greets tentatively, and you respond with an awkward wave, a moment pregnant with anticipation passes before both of you dissolve into laughter.

“What is this? Are we in middle school,” he teases and you giggle, settling comfortably on his bed once more.

“I know. We are so lame.”

“You are,” he corrects with a grin and you gasp, pretending to leave but he quickly catches your hand, stopping you. “No, please stay. I meant it when I said that I missed you,” he repeats quietly, as if afraid that his confession would make you run away once again.

Your heart aches, the knots in your stomach tightening and unraveling all at once. “I missed you too,” you admit softly, and he smiles, his thumb tracing a gentle path above your pulse before releasing your hand.

“So it's done then?” you ask and he nods, running a hand through his hair with a hint of anxiety. “How do you feel about it?”

“Good. I hope you’ll like it, mostly.”

“I'm sure I will,” you reassure him with a soft smile, and he nods once more, pressing a few buttons before his melodious whistles fill the air once again.

Nothing could have braced you for the sound of Hyunjin's voice that followed, its timbre soft as silk yet imbued with profound sorrow. It's as though he recorded the song on one of his loneliest nights, his honeyed vocals dipped in an excruciating nostalgia that seeps into every corner of the room, every corner of your heart.

In the faded photo, I come across a smile spread across a youthful face, overlapped with the seasons.

Your gaze flickers to Hyunjin as a shadow of recollection dawns on you. You remember telling him that you couldn’t stomach looking at pics of your past, ones in which you smiled so freely because you were blissfully unaware of what was to come.

The night’s so cold that it’s almost unreal.

Because you weren’t aware of the winter that will follow and the biting cold that it would bear, for everything that will go astray in your relationship, for your ex's facade to crack like a glacier succumbing to the pressure of lies and pretense.

I wake up in another silence, and I close my eyes.

You remember Hyunjin confessing that silence haunted him more than words ever could, and you had agreed, sharing how sometimes you shut your eyes, pretending that the reality you woke up to wasn't the one you were living.

The white flower we planted together has bloomed. I do not dare pick it. Now it withers away.

You gaze at the white flowers you brought him, now wilted in the vase placed on his desk, yet Hyunjin refuses to throw them still. You see the card you wrote for him hung on the wall, right next to the dried red rose. He kept it. Though it withered, he kept it all.

So I long for you. And I long for you. And I'll long for you.

You remember the longing you both spoke of, how he understood a feeling you felt so incredibly alone in. How he tried to reassure you when he too was caught in the webs of the past. How you longed for him in the past week. How you wished he longed for you just the same.

So I can keep loving you. So I could be loving you. And morе.

The violin swells and so does the emotion in your chest. You remember him asking you ‘What’s not to love in you’ and how you've spun those words in your thoughts ever since. You remember thinking that if he gave you a few more weeks, just a bit more time, you might have found it in you to believe them.

You see Hyunjin’s glimmering eyes holding yours, you see his heart atop a platter handed to you, and you see the resignation in his being. Don’t make me love you, you told him. You didn’t dare to tell him not to love you in return, deemed it too foolish of thought to entertain.

For he was Hwang Hyunjin, the quiet producer who paints in his free time and who wears his heart on his sleeve. Who remains hopeful, loving, and tender, despite the thorns pricking at his side. Who is beautiful, so much so that he allowed you to see beauty in the universe once again, through his eyes.

How could he love you?

How could you not love him?

“The song,” you whisper, the words barely escaping your lips as you stand, trembling, on your feet. Hyunjin rises too, meeting you in the center of his room.

“It is about you. For you,” he says simply as if his words don’t cause your world to burst at the seams only to mend itself once again, too eager to fix itself and exist in the same timeline as Hyunjin.

“I don't… I don’t know what to say,” you say earnestly, feeling your heart pound in your chest, its beats resounding loudly in your ears.

It is wrong of you to assume he wishes you to say something. He is Hyunjin, the one who finds words in your silences too, after all.

“I don’t need you to say anything,” he shakes his head, taking another step closer to you. “I don't want an answer, I don't wish to pressure you. I just wanted to tell you that my love is here, it is yours to take or to leave, to cherish or to discard. But it is yours, because this is who I am. I am someone who loves you.”

“So do not tell me to forget you because I don't know how to. And don’t tell me that you’ll leave because I will love you still, because you’d still be you, near or far, you are you. And you are someone I long for.” He pauses, his voice softening. “And I long for you, Yn, more than anything I've ever longed for. And I've spent all my life longing.”

His lips meet your forehead tenderly, and you feel your entire being grow limp at the chaste kiss, as if your limbs wish to liquefy and form a puddle on the floor. His touch is soft, and you miss it the moment he parts from you.

“There must be something in this room that keeps on making you cry,” he smiles and you bring your hands to your damp cheeks, surprised to find there tears you didn’t realize had fallen.

“It’s you,” you pinch his arm playfully and he squirms away from your hold, stabbing his toe on the desk in the process. A loud fuck echoes around the room, and your laughter dissipates the tension clinging into the air.

“Can you play it again?” you request softly and Hyunjin’s theatrics fade as a shy smile tugs at the corner of his lips.

“Is it good?”

“It's everything to me.”

“It's called ‘long for you’, by the way.”

“Long for you,” you repeat quietly. There has never been a prettier combination of words.

The title all but makes sense as you lay on the bed, your gaze fixed on the paintings hung on the wall, Hyunjin sketching quietly on his desk, the song resonating softly in the background. You've longed for many things in your life—the person you once were and the tender love you once craved—but amidst it all, nothing has weighed heavier on your heart than the longing for the man sitting just two meters away, almost in your loving grasp. Almost.

❁ ❁ ❁

It is an excruciating five days that Hyunjin spends apart from you, the both of you too caught up in your assignments to find a moment to properly speak. But you do not shy away from him when he greets you, and your grin is kind as it drapes across his being, and Hyunjin swears he has never seen a prettier sight than you smiling.

On the sixth night, Hyunjin completes the cover for the song— a figure wrapped around itself protectively, mirroring the way you hug yourself in your sleep. He hangs it on the wall, right next to your thank you card and the white bouquet he drew once again, wishing to properly immortalize its beautiful flowers, to purify that memory from the tumult that followed it.

On the sixth night, the house is quiet, the full moon high up in the sky, snowflakes falling softly to the ground. Hyunjin wonders if you too mimicked the snow’s descent— both of you falling apart with it.

But then, there’s a knock on his door.

His heart catches in his throat, his body freezing as if it forgot how to move. You are here.

“Come in,” he manages to say, his voice barely above a whisper. You push the door open, and Hyunjin's words wilt on his tongue as he sees what you're carrying—another bouquet, filled with white flowers, yet again.

“Hey,” you smile, standing by the door.

He remains silent, unsure of what to say, or how to speak. He longs for you when you are away, even more so when you’re before him.

“We shouldn't let these white flowers wither away too, right?” you smile slightly, placing the bouquet on the desk before walking to Hyunjin’s bedside. His voice falters, vocal cords refusing to move and overshadow your voice.

You sit beside him, gently pulling his hand so that you’d both lie on the pillows. Your hand doesn’t leave his own, instead, it moves to rest on his cheek, reminiscent of the many times he had cradled your face before. Inch by inch, you close the gap between you, nuzzle the tip of your nose against his own. “Hi, Hyune”, you say softly, and he swallows thickly, his voice coming out just as quietly.

“Hi, my Yn.”

“If we take care of the white flowers together do you think they’ll survive a bit longer?” you ask, your gaze never wavering from his, countless stars twinkling in the depths of your irises.

“I believe so,” he says tentatively, too aware of the warmth of your palm against his skin, of the sweet ache unfurling within his being.

“Mm, and even if they wilt we can always buy new ones. We can learn how to care for them better, with time,” you say, and he nods in agreement, laying his hand atop your own, tilting his head to bestow a chaste kiss on your palm.

“With time,” he echoes softly and you smile, vulnerable yet secure in his gray sheets, in his hold.

“Will you give me time too?” you ask, and Hyunjin reads in your eyes what you mean, understands in the shake of your voice the question you are too afraid to voice. Will he give you time to heal in order to love?

“As long as you need. I’m not going anywhere,” he reassures, pressing his forehead gently atop yours, and you both close your eyes, as a running warmth encloses you both, blooms a blush on both your cheeks.

His arms wrap around your back, drawing you close until your chests are pressed together, your head resting naturally in the curve of his neck. And it is long forgotten in your mind, all the nights you slept in this very bed alone. You feel safe, safe enough to long for love knowing that it patiently awaits you behind the door, once you find enough courage to turn the doorknob. You feel serene, as Hyunjin’s warm palms glide soothingly up and down your spine, as every muscle, every nerve, every atom in your being relaxes in his hold.

You are healing, slowly, with each fleeting second that passes in which Hyunjin’s heartbeat resounds within your chest, as its melody runs through your veins, melds with your own as if it was destined to be there all along. As you rest in Hyunjin, as you find a safe home within his soul to discard your worries at the doorstep and breathe.

“It did get better,” you whisper, pressing a kiss to his shoulder blade. “Hm?” He leans back to look at you, and he’s so beautiful, so tender as he gazes at you, you can’t help but trace the contours of his face with your fingers, hoping to commemorate him with your eyes, with your touch.

“You promised me it’ll get better, and it did,” you smile, as your legs further intertwine with his, and his rose perfume becomes an indelible mark on your skin. “Too bad I can't hit your pretty face now,” you joke and he giggles, tipping his head back.

He's so beautiful, body and soul, and he longs for you, you alone.

“But I can still do this,” you murmur before finally pressing your lips against his like a boat finally reaching the shore after months of sailing. You both exhale, in yearning, in relief, as your mouths move together in a slow, languid dance, his hand finding the pulse on your neck, yours settling atop his jaw.

He would kiss you again, this intimately, in the coming months, when your heart expands enough to contain the love Hyunjin deserves. He would kiss you again, when your past comes to haunt you, and healing sounds like an elusive myth you’d never encounter in your life.

And he would kiss you again, over the kitchen table and under the fridge’s light, in between paintings and in supermarket aisles, while picking flowers and watching the first snow.

He would kiss you, this tenderly, in the next winter, and the ones after it, as if his longing for you never wanes. Till blow three disappears from your memory, till all you remember is the love, the true one, the kind one, the soft one Hyunjin alone could have brought you.