#this week has been so good for my mental health like wow I feel like a whole new person

[nicistrying]

Tues 29th August

More pics from the Lake District - we hiked up Helvellyn on the way home on Thursday!

Home for one night, unpacked, repacked, and went back to almost the same place for a tribute festival with my 2 sisters and my niece and nephew for the weekend. That was the most fun I've had in a looong time and felt so freaking good to properly let my hair down, no phone signal, no internet, just dancing and singing in the mud and the rain.

Back to reality today, running errands and visiting family all day before I go back to work tomorrow. Only back for 2 weeks until I have a long weekend for my birthday though. Hope everyone has been well while I've been MIA!

[witherbythesword]

.

[thebibliosphere]

Hi there, ive come from your post about ADHD and emotional disregulation, firstly thank you so much for putting it into words, its such a complicated part of how i deal with emotions and i havent ever been able to articulate how to why.

Secondly, in that post you mentioned how you've used stress as a motivator and how eventually your stress regualtion broke, i was wondering if you'd be willing to talk about that? (If not, its not a problem)

I feel like the same thing has happened to me but until i read your post i had no idea that something had... snapped? I suppose? I struggle with motivation all the time and in the past id have a week or a few days left and id be able to suddently push myself very hard to complete whatever it is before the deadline, just barely making it in most cases. However now it seems that i can't find that motivation anymore, deadlines come and pass and i can't being myself to work on anything, and i just end up spiralling into shame and guilt. That motivation was the only thing that I was able to rely on sometimes for things like uni, and i conviced myself that it was just me growing lazy or trying to get out of responsibility as to why the "last minute panic-mode" doesnt work anymore.

Again, if you don't wanna tackle this can of worms or if it's something youd rather not post online i totally get it, its no biggie! thanks so much for making the original post as well, it means a lot

Hello friend, thanks for the message. I'm sorry you're also dealing with this.

The good news here is that I've already talked about this using the rubber band analogy my therapist gave me. (Stress is like a Rubber Band)

If you don't have the mental bandwidth to read all of it now, the tl;dr is "stress is like a rubber band; it can stretch to hold numerous things in place when you need to, but if you do it too often or keep adding more and more strain under the band, the elastic eventually becomes brittle and snaps, taking your mental and sometimes physical health with it too."

I've been in intensive therapy for this for roughly three years now, and trying to piece my brain back together after my last bout of stress-induced productivity gave me a total mental breakdown.

It's... odd not being able to use stress and having to actively avoid it to avoid a relapse. But it is doable. Medication would help, but alas, I've got weird health issues and am unmedicated at the minute.

(And just in case that sparks anyone to go, "Oh, you do all this unmedicated! Wow, that's so inspiring!" as sometimes parents do to me on here as they then tell me they don't want to medicate their kids, I've unfortunately also written a post about what that kind of success looks like from an unmedicated perspective and the kind of suicidal ideation I deal with on the regular because I cannot take meds. It is not pleasant reading, but it is necessary for some folks, specifically anti-med, "if you just tried harder" people.)

A book you may find helpful is Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle, by Emily and Amelia Nagoski. It was very validating for me to read about other people going through the same things, and made me feel less of a "this is a personal failing on my part" and more of a "Oh okay yeah, no stress literally breaks people."

It helped soothe some of my own internalized "I just need to try harder" and helped cement me on the path I was already going down with my ADHD therapist toward changing how I view myself and how I manage my ADHD.

I hope that helps! If you've got more specific questions or I didn't touch on something in my old post, I can try to answer them :)

[weebsinstash]

Ok so tmi (on the tmi blog lol) but the first day of my Cycle I had a dream that I had just given birth and I was holding my baby and I was goddamn euphoric even though the logical part of me was like “???? I am 22 and broke i CANNOT have a baby rn” and I woke up crying and called my friends like I WANNA HAVE A BAAAAAABYYYYY I WANT A BAAAAAAABYYYYYYYY so basically. Imagine. Miguel catches you in a moment of weakness. And he NEVER. FUCKING. FORGETS IT.

Oh wow girlie those period hormones grabbed you by the uterus and absolutely REFUSED to let go

NO BUT FOR REAL don't look at me but I've been thinking of a concerning number of ideas where it's like, "Reader suddenly realizes they may want a baby and is actually putting serious thought into it and Miguel finds out (bet your ass Peter B tells him, i can see him as a "well intentioned" platonic guardian/mentor figure who sells you out to Miguel the second he thinks you're doing something risky or he thinks it's for your own good) and Miguel starts making all these plans and preparations behind your back to have a baby with you" and obviously I like the extra juicy option of "he found out you got extremely depressed and tied your tubes or something because you either see no point in you having a kid/think it's too late, OR, Miguel was the only person you were looking at as a potential father and you either decide it wouldn't work out or he does something to hurt you and you lose trust in him" so like, the double whammy combo of him being hit with the news you basically walled off your fertility that he's kinda fantasizing about AND you blame him for it

You see him chokeslam Miles on the train and having all these serious anger and stress issues and you're like "hmmmm don't like that" and basically make the tubal ligation appointment that week (but, you know, he'll either interfere before you can actually get it or even reverse it later on)

Like. Ugh I'm not sure if I should go super into detail bc I feel like I want to put this scene in the YouTwo fic or in a different idea i have thats more centered around motherhood, but, picture he catches you in his monitor room one day after you've lost your home dimension, you're having a little more than just a small identity crisis, and he catches you having Lyla show you the model for your life, or what the algorithm had predicted your life was supposed to be like before your universe just magically poofed away. You're just staring at these holograms with tears running down your face and he occasionally catches you starting to reach out like you want to touch what you see. He comes to stop you because he already knows all too well where this could lead, you can't become tempted to break canon and go somewhere else, but you beg him to let you watch just a little longer

"I was supposed to get MARRIED! I was supposed to have a BABY! I was supposed to have a family!! It's not fair!!"

And he's in total agreement with you because, who even fucking knows why your universe suddenly destabilized and vanished. He sees you as this person who has so much promise and potential who had their destiny and future literally snatched away from them and now you're lost and confused on what you're supposed to do, like really he totally understands why you feel so aimless. But watching these holograms is like torturing yourself, and he goes to stop you when you just keep crying because this is basically sending you into a critical mental health episode

"Someone was supposed to fall in love with me... we were supposed to have a baby... would I have been a good mom? Would I have had a boy or a girl? Cant you at least let me find out what my daughter's name would have been?"

And it's like NOOOO you can't hit him with the daughter card, don't you see what you've DONE!!! Gets him right in the heart. Now he's got this massive soft spot for you, bigger than it already was anyways, and he can tell over time you're just really starting to, grieve the future you were supposed to have, falling into a depression. Peter B is hanging around with Mayday like he usually does as both men can tell you're really staring at his baby today and he offers to teach you how to hold her. you're standing there misty eyed twirling one of her little curls around your finger as her dad starts volunteering information to you, "you know she's about XYZ months old now, they aren't really talking yet at this age but they're really curious about their surroundings and--"

Miguel watches as you start talking about children and suddenly get this really really tortured expression and just say "it's not meant to happen" and or some combination of "it's too late for me" and gives him his baby back a little too quickly in typical "I am clearly leaving the room to go cry" fashion. Meanwhile Peter B is like 38 wondering why you think you're out of time or it's not supposed to happen

Miguel's working one day and Peter is trying to shove his phone in his face, "you know I think this is one of the BEST photos of Mayday I've ever taken, she's looking so cute here, you just GOTTA see it" and Pete just won't let up and Miguel finally looks just to humor him because the man is being unusually annoying and, it's a photo of Mayday, duh, but being held by you, and you're clearly looking down at her with watering eyes and the smallest little smile that says "I'll die for you" and Peter is just all 😏 as Miguel is 'suddenly' interested in the photo. "That's a really good photo of MAYDAY, right? 😏 I figured you would like it, that photo of MAYDAY 😏" and Miguel is just grumbling and grouchy bc he sees what this guy is tryna do, but he's still like ".... send it to me later, I'm trying to work right now"

It's even worse if you're a member of his strike force because you're constantly around him, Peter B, and Jess. Miguel just, idly wondering where you are and deciding to walk around a little bit and eventually finds that you're having some sort of conversation with Peter B and Jess and he can tell you look really weepy as the other woman invites you to feel her baby kicking, like, you could not more obviously be developing baby fever, and you ARE around that age, and ESPECIALLY if you live in Nueva York because it's like, YEAH you're still a Spider and YEAH you help the Society with stuff but. Your home universe is gone, your canon is gone, you're kind of. Free as a bird really? But you're also scared because, if someone was destined to love you, does that mean it technically isn't meant to be to fall for anyone else? You can't exactly hook up with people at the Spider Society because of canon or them already having relationships, and you don't exactly have identifying documents if you wanted to try and adopt

I think it'd really reach a stressful breaking point if you and the strike force go to another universe to fight an anomaly and Miguel catches you staring out into the crowd of people you just saved and he sees what youre looking at instantly and his heart sinks. Another you, another normal you, never bitten by a Spider, is standing there with her husband and her little sputtering baby, and he has to all but drag you away as you cry "it's not fair, it's not fair, why does SHE get a normal life!!"

Sidebar for a moment, I think that's probably also one thing that would be so INFURIATING about the doppelganger stealing your life story because THEY have a home universe and YOU don't. They take your life, they take literally everything you have left, your friends, your sense of community, your literal purpose. I've already decided on YTs motivations but could you imagine you finding out YouTwo actually has a decent life and maybe even a husband and kid of their own and you're just furious because they're basically abandoning their duties back home not only as a Spider but as a parent/spouse to steal what YOU have? You can't kill them because it would break their canon and kill like countless people but Miguel and the others would def let you beat the shit out of your evil double and get some of your anger out. Like. Jesus could you imagine Miguel kicks you out thinking you're the fake and after you're gone, YouTwo breaks canon and that's what exposes them, or theyre exposed when they eventually take a trip back home and get caught. The Society's regret, the guilt, the anger, just marinate me with the drama

But anyways back to Being Sad and Babycrazy, you go missing one day and Miguel has to decide what to do when he finally tracks your bracelet and you're back in THAT dimension again. He has to physically track you down using your bracelet's signal because you refuse to answer his messages and you're, in the home of the other you while she takes a brief nap, in the nursery, holding her baby. Miguel quietly climbs through the window and you're in a rocking chair and you've got her hugged to your chest and your eyes are closed and you sense him and, obviously cry because you know you have to leave. Unlike with the holograms he doesn't give you any leeway on this, putting his foot down that this has to end here, this cant go on, this is already so dangerous. And, you're good for him and understand, leaving the baby back in its crib as you and Miguel warp away. You're heartbroken but ultimately understanding when he has to disable your watch's ability to visit that specific dimension again, and you're obviously extremely depressed for a while, having multiple Spiders coming to check in on you as word spreads around that you aren't doing well

I can just see Reader becoming kind of desperate because the only options for a baby you really have left is to either 1. get a serious relationship, which you're scared of because you have to trust that person and who can you even pick, you're nervous about breaking canon or something, or 2. Get some random person to impregnate you so you can run off with the baby

Miguel gets a call from Peter B that you went to a bar and you're EXTREMELY wasted as you try to pick someone, ANYONE up and like, you have admirers for sure but there's enough decent people around to keep the creeps in line, clearly you are in a vulnerable state of mind right now, and Miguel gets to tote your drunken ass back home as you drunkenly word vomit all your feelings to him because, unfortunately for you, he has your trust, and you need comfort right now, and you even ask him about what being a parent was like for him. You encouragingly tell him he shouldn't give up if he still wants kids, you trying to be genuinely nice and not trying to imply anything, blubbering about how he deserves to still be happy and he's still got time, and here's Miguel who's practically tracking your cycles at this point, TOTALLY not going to use anything you say to him while you're piss-drunk against you

Especially if you add ABO into the mix and you have a Miguel who's either Alpha/Omega and is already babycrazy af and he sees you literally fucking YEARNING for it, like. You've got a 6'9" Alpha basically looking at you, his poor lil Omega crush, with the big yandere goo goo eyes and how you need all this love and support and stability and how you're in need of a proper husband and of course he's all too willing to volunteer himself for the job. Even if he's too awkward to come right out to you and say it, he'll be thinking in his head and planning behind your back ways to take care of you, keep you away from any drugs/alcohol (no more smoking weed with metro boomin Spiderman, you've gotta detox your body to have a baby! Also, different concept but, Miguel basically keeping you in a bubble to control all your meals and recreational activities and all of that so he can make sure you're perfectly healthy for a baby)

Don't let this man catch you slipping up! Throw you to the Spider Society and you'll come back pregnant 😭 he sees you so depressed and wanting a baby and it's like well, if your life needs new meaning, he can help literally make one for you 😏 he's been feeling protective and nurturing of you anyways, so, it's an extra benefit for him to think of getting to have both you AND a little baby of your very own ❤️

[bunnakit]

my stand in ep 4 thoughts, feelings, etc

WOW WA WE WAA THAT SURE WAS AN EPISODE HUH - happy to report i went back through the episode slowly this week and took notes and really tried to gather everything i wanted to say (but i will inevitably forget something)

🌸 ok disclaimers because i have a lot of them for this particular episode 🌸

i'm just a silly guy on the internet, i'm not an expert in mental health, psychology, body language, whatever. most days i can't even take care of myself. i'm just saying things recreationally.

PLEASE do not put novel spoilers in my replies, reblogs, or tags without a warning notice. i've got an itchy blocking finger for it these days.

i am treating ming and joe and everyone involved in this show as if they were real life human beings. ming was not born some mustache twirling villain sent from hell to make joe miserable. joe is not some pure angel descended from the clouds to do no wrong. everyone in this show exhibits very human behavior and that can be distressing under certain circumstances. i'm just going to comment on them as humans. i'm not interested in a round table discussion on why a character is irredeemable, the scum of the earth, etc. i'm just putting my thoughts out there and you can take them or leave them.

🌸 alright yucky disclaimer time over 🌸

the episode really just picks us back up where everything left off - and yet joe still made ming breakfast, and ming isn't stupid (well right now at least,) he knows something is off.

i am confused why tong needs to get married on this specific day. and like bro how fast are you getting married? relax. the whole thing is just unstoppable force (trajectory of this producers career) meets immovable object (tong's fuckass stubbornness) and the collateral damage is massive.

and then there's the question of did joe ever want to play a lead? or did he let his impulsiveness and hurt put a target on his back? (only emphasized by the fact that everyone assumed joe would turn down the role)

i DO apologize for all my doubt surrounding wut. he, ja, and may are the only people in this show with any god damn sense. maybe jojo and yim. we'll see.

getting into the confrontation at joe's work, i really don't think it's that surprising when we keep in mind ming genuinely has no fucking clue what is going on. all he knows is joe woke up, was acting weird, didn't come home, and then told him to pack up his shit and leave with ZERO explanation. like, joe's completely in the right, but i'd also be confused as fuck. (i wouldn't go to someone's work about it but, y'know, we know ming acts in extremes.)

and to me this is where it really became obvious that joe has always been able to overpower ming, to get away from him, as we have seen joe's physical prowess, we've seen what he's capable of, but he never uses his body to move ming away from him - that's not who joe is, he's not someone that would put his hands on another person like that. it's just another way ming and joe are the direct antithesis of each other.

it's my thought that the argument escalates because ming is used to getting everything he wants - except for tong, and now joe. when joe begins to push him away and deny him his substitution for tong i think ming lashes out in his hurt with a thought of "it's happening again, why doesn't anyone want me?"

i will say while i do believe sol has good intentions for the most part his white knighting is getting a little irksome. while convenient, it just shows how much he's still hovering and laying in wait for a chance with joe - he, too, is not respecting joe's wishes. no is a complete sentence, sol.

and then things continue back at home and joe finally, finally throws ming's words back at him: if i'm so terrible to be with, if you're so great, why are you wasting your time with me?

and ming doesn't have an answer. what ming DOES have is another back embrace, arms wrapped around joe as he asks "don't you love me anymore?" but is he asking joe or tong?

"although i'm not as good as tong" even now joe's rampant self worth issues are still at play but at least he finally knows he's worth more than whatever this is.

then the phone rings and to me, ming looks skittish. he looks shaken. he's never seen joe so angry and he's scared and as the call progresses that fear morphs into rage when sol calls joe. and the thing is, regardless of who played the main role, ming was never going to be happy. it was either going to be joe or tong playing opposite sol and neither of those things would have been acceptable.

and then i said, out loud, in my quiet office: OH! and promptly lost my shit in the group chat.

ming doesn't look wholly present after his act of violence. his face is vacant, like he isn't completely seeing or grasping what he's just done. i get the impression that ming isn't mentally well; stress and fear and anger have a way of making people do really fucking stupid things and as these things happen you risk falling into the sunk cost fallacy - you've already gone this far, you can't stop now - which all aligns with the obsessive behavior we've seen from ming in the past.

as joe wakes up and they talk once again joe doesn't blame ming, he blames himself for not seeing the writing on the walls even though it was written in invisible ink.

"all these times we were together did you ever love me?"

"you can't tell?"

again, so much of the blame and emotional responsibility of their situationship is put on joe and ming refuses to communicate any of his feelings, perhaps because he doesn't know how to after repressing everything for so long.

WE DIDN'T GET HOT KINKY CHAINED UP SEX THOUGH, WHY DOES GOD HATE ME SPECIFICALLY

but the way joe looks at ming as they linger there in the wake of joe's request looks like a goodbye, the way his eyes soak in every detail of ming's face. despite all of this and the nightmare it has turned into he did love ming, perhaps still does, and he does have some of those good memories he was so desperate to keep.

though like.. joe.... maybe we could consider a different career path??? instead of just jumping to risking our lives? like sure food service sucks, cashiering sucks, etc. but you aren't in danger of falling off any cliffs, you know? and let's be real, he could just go into modeling with those looks.

it's my impression that when ming calls joe he looks haggard, like he's lost numerous nights of sleep (and we really don't know how much time has passed) but either way it does seem like he's at least done some amount of reflecting. his voice comes across soft, subdued, and sincere.

and after everything, back in the present, we see ming. he's still in the apartment, desperately calling joe's name all these years later, still unable to sleep and waiting for joe to come home just like he asked him to years ago.

maybe ming never wanted to enter the entertainment industry before, but he has now. perhaps it was never for the attention or the money, maybe he chose to promote those watches because it was a reminder of the gift from joe. and maybe this job, in this specific industry, is the closest he can feel to joe now. and maybe with new influence and connections ming can find out why he was never able to tell joe he loved him before he lost him.

WHO KNOWS, NOT ME, CAN'T WAIT TO FIND OUT THO

[biasbuck]

BiAsBuck’s ficrec Fridays

Happy I started drafting this when it was Friday everyone! Can you believe there's just three weeks left to go before we're back with BEENADO?! Here's another round of the fic I've been reading this last fortnight to tide you over in the meantime. You can find previous rec lists here.

7 September 2024

Baking is a Science but I Studied the Arts by @letmetellyouaboutmyfeels the reason why I'm late posting this week is that I opened up AO3 to start gathering links, realised this was completed, dropped everything and read it start to finish. Sugar Daddy Tommy is ready and willing to pamper Eddie with trips to Vegas, and Eddie is in need of a distraction from all his pining over his best friend. Buck's feeling a little envious of Eddie and Tommy's new friendship, but with an open line of communication Tommy's happy to introduce him to his bisexual awakening, and unlock a new level of kink along the way. But of course, there's crossed wires, and neither Buck or Eddie actually know who the other's mysterious new casual boyfriend is. Deliciously indulgent, sexy, and feel good polyamory with 9-1-1 what is your emergency levels of misunderstandings and self discovery along the way. Lincoln's buddietommy threeway fics just always hit the spot.

Summer's End by @dunnonorlly back on my Eddie's summer of introspection without Chris bullshit, with a wonderful self recommendation that I'm so glad was brought to my attention. I love fics which really showcase all the ways this ensemble love each other and there's such a gorgeous wealth of extended firefam offering support here, including a particularly impactful Eddie and Bobby dynamic, with his advice and experience shared, and deep understanding from Maddie. Talking things through with those he trusts, and some beautifully written gentle steps towards finding peace and embracing love with Buck at his side and his family reunited.

Counting Pulses by tinyydancerr also recommended to me by dunnonorlly, this is an alternate take on season 7 written early on in the series, in which crucially Eddie has OCD, based on the author's own experiences and carefully woven into all the idiosyncricies that make up Eddie Diaz. It's a beautiful and painful character exploration that allows Eddie to examine his own past and present with fresh eyes, in the hopes of moving to a future without tripping up on all that's held him back. I particularly loved the backstory elements, and how his mental health and Catholic guilt create a maelstrom he's painstakingly riding through life. Such a moving fic. The same author also has a GORGEOUS anniversary Henren fic Up, and Down, and Around which sees Karen through Hen's eyes, with a rollercoaster of emotions.

about the present by @runawaymarbles if there's one thing you need to know about me it's that I LOVE me a timeloop narrative, and wow does this two parter The Scroll of Saint Barnabas and Theoretical Corpses, Laughing deliver. "The day of the shooting, Eddie got stuck in a time loop. But that was three months ago. He's completely fine now." In which Eddie absolutely has PTSD, but when you're caught in a timeloop where you see all of your loved ones picked off by a sniper, and every attempt you make to stop it just ripple effects someone else to be harmed, what do you even do? Plus along the way there are confessions they won't remember, secrets that are impossible to keep locked up forever, firsts that they'll be forced to forget, and overwhelming survivors guilt. An absolute masterclass in consequences, understanding, and healing together through the hurt.

Being Eddie by @cal-daisies-and-briars sticking with the timey-wimey theme, I also read this Being Erica inspired fic, in which a mysterious therapist grants Eddie the opportunity to go back in time to fix a list of his regrets, confronting repressed memories, and gaining an understanding of himself and the people in his life he feels like he's wronged along the way. Of course the butterfly effect is in full force, and sometimes changing the past means losing a future and a love you're growing to cherish.

like a river that doesn't know where it's flowing (i found where i'm going) by @queerdiazs VIVE LE MOUSTACHE! 'After coming out as gay, finally, Eddie has a well-deserved hot girl summer witnessed by his closest friends and family. Everyone is supportive and encouraging, except for Buck. What could that possibly mean?' Truly full throttle embracing the concept of latter in life coming out second pubity and slut era Eddie, this is so much fun, so delicious, and Buck is full on out not having a good time. Eddie can't help that the moustache makes him so irresistible! (I also had a great time with their fic no one else on earth because I love me some Eddie vs Josh).

Stay Until the Morning by @semperama oh my god, once again smacked in the face by my demiromantic Eddie and resulting emotional trauma feels. This is established (almost) buddie, written for the @summerofbuddie "breaking cliches" week. The author says it best: "The cliche that's broken here is that friends-to-lovers is as simple as two people realizing they love each other and then it's happily ever after. In this instance, things are a little more complicated!" I really really deeply appreciate this examination of simply finding your person doesn't magically fix all the things that have reinforced your emotional barriers and mental walls, and Eddie has a lot to unpack around how he's approached sex and relationships as does Buck. Small but mighty, this packed a punch.

suddenly the only thing i saw was you by @diazisms finally ending on a wonderful sapphic rarepair wildcard, this is a 5+1 fic featuring May Grant and Adriana Diaz! Bless you mysterious Diaz sisters for being such a rich fictional ground to play with - In this, Adriana is dropped off in LA for college, feeling out of place having taken a year to work. She bumps into May Grant, a beautiful stranger in a coffee shop. As they grow closer, they soon discover they have more in common than they thought. I loved this so much.

Okay that got long, but as usual insert call out for more henren fic here. Feel free to self rec! And please share and reblog :) See you next week, probably with HOTSHOTS recs bahaha!

BEES!

[gentil-minou]

The teen wangxian version of lwj playing inquiry after wwx's death would be lwj texting the number wwx used to use before he deactivated everything. He does this every couple months, with a Hi or How are you or I miss you.

The stranger who uses that number now doesn't want to break the poor boys heart and tell him so they just ignore it.

Wwx isn't dead btw he dropped out of his ivy league after some really bad mental health to live a nomadic lifestyle out of his old beat up van Chenqing, but during that time he'd purposely pushed everyone away

Eventually after 13 months when wwx decides he's ready to go back online and come out of hiding he manages to get his old number back!

Except he keeps getting these messages for a number he doesn't know and he thinks 'wow I wonder what it's like to be loved by someone like this'

(There was a time where he used to know that number by heart

There was a time when a text from that number was the first thing he'd see in the morning and the last message he'd send that night

There was a time when he never would have thought he could forget that number…)

5 months after he's gotten his number back and moved in with the Wens, slowly becoming himself again, the mystery number starts leaving voicemails

They don't say anything, just some faint breathing on the line, like wind whistling by. Soothing, in a way wwx can't figure out why

WQ says he should delete them and block the number. WN says he should politely message the person and let them know they have the wrong number.

Wwx does neither.

His inbox slowly fills with them, and on his worst nights when he feels like hes going to lose it again, when he feels like hes back on that ledge looking over calculating the force from the impact, he'll listen those breaths as he slowly falls asleep

Years pass and the world goes on.

Wwx gets back in touch with his siblings. Their meetings are tense and won't ever be the same as it was…before. But for now, it's enough.

He's working nights at a bar and going to art school during the day. Therapy every week.

It's strange how much he likes school now that he gets to learn the things that interest him. There's a lot he misses from his old life, and a lot he doesn't.

He keeps every message and voice-mail he gets, but he never replies. He can't explain why.

On the side, he helps out the Wens with recovering from their own tragedy.

Years ago there'd been an accident where they'd lost their cousins. At the time, they'd thought that included their nephew. That they'd lost him too.

When Wen Qing finally gets a hold of the report, they learn they didn't.

It's takes some not so legal finagling, but what else is wwx going to use his coding skills for?

The Wens learn their cousins son was injured but alive. That he'd been adopted while he was still recovering in the hospital.

The number the hospital has on file is eerily familiar.

There's no time to think any more about it. The Wens are in hyperdrive, trying to figure out how to contact this person. Hoping they might see their nephew, finally.

WQ says she was able to call the number and talk to the adoptive father about meeting up.

Wwx goes to bed feeling happy and good and like he can still do some things right. He falls asleep with a smile on his face.

He wakes up at 5am the next morning to a text, and he realizes why that number was so familiar.

The text, from a-yuan's adoptive dad, what are the chances, reads:

"I have always lived my life to be true and do what is right, but I find myself afraid. What if I have done something terrible? What would you say?"

His heart beating a hole in his chest, wwx finally texts back.

(threadfic here)

[lesbiancolumbo]

Question from the genuinely ignorant what is The Post?

because this is a good faith question and this was so long ago, i’m gonna answer it and then respectfully and kindly ask people to stop asking, and i think once you read my answer you’ll hopefully understand why lol

in 2017 as an extremely suicidal and isolated 23 year old, i watched lady bird after a really long and difficult weekend of being with my emotionally and verbally abusive mother. the movie was good but extremely triggering for me - i saw a lot of my self and my mother in the film. instead of killing myself that night (and i’m not being flippant, i walked home from the theatre to my tiny little apartment contemplating stepping onto the highway) i decided i would just get it all out somewhere. at the time, letterboxd was a small website and i was a no-one. i wrote a review and vomited all of my feelings.

it’s not a good review. i wasn’t even really able to fully articulate what my own relationship with my mother was at the time. i was still too young and vulnerable to her abuse. but it made me calm enough to go to sleep and start a new week, so i did. it got no attention, except from some friends who liked it and knew my situation.

cut to literally new year’s day 2021. an eighteen year old on tumblr finds my review, screencaps it in its entirety, and posts it on here. it makes it way onto my dash. at first im shocked - that’s me! and i think i reblogged it to say that hey, that’s me! omg! wow! after i did that i almost immediately regretted doing that, because the attention and harassment i’ve received in the THREE YEARS since this post has gone up has honestly been so detrimental to my mental health. my fucking FACE and NAME are in the post bc the op didn’t bother to crop them out. every day i wake up and thank a higher power that my mother hasn’t found this post. people made fun of me, downplayed my (admittedly not very well articulated) experiences, armchair diagnosed me and my mother, posted my letterboxd icon which was MY REAL FACE on this website to MAKE FUN OF MY APPEARANCE and insinuate i deserved everything that happened to me. white supremacist blogs were SPREADING MY FACE AND NAME AROUND.

i got a lot of followers and attention and wanted none of it, and because tumblr is a website and the internet is written in ink, a post never truly gets deleted, and now every 6-12 months my privacy and something i impulse wrote in a moment of pure and true pain gets spread around this website and i can’t do a god damn thing about it.

and like……… i get it. it clearly resonated with people. and i don’t like drawing a hard line. but the violation and the harassment that proceeded from it for MONTHS has made me intolerant. the op of that post is the same age now as i was when i wrote that review, and i hope to god they learned from that experience, because i still have to deal with the ramifications of their fucking choice.

and it sucks. because i love lady bird. but my health is already precarious and i do not want to go through this all again.

[3nigm4art]

An informal essay/rant on Samurai Jack S5

I love Samurai Jack, for the most part. But my biggest gripe is how season 5 turned out.

Despite the artistic achievement of season 5, the main issue was how rushed it was. With only 10 episodes and still having to deal with the 50-year time skip, many characters feel underdeveloped.

Take Jack as an example. Jack's change was the most drastic yet resolved the quickest. 50 years of a battle with no end in sight is incomprehensible to a normal person, and winning seems impossible at this point for Jack. Understandably, depression, guilt and anxiety have taken over Jack, especially after he lost his magic sword. The voices in his head and the vision of the phantom samurai are evidence of his mental decay. But as a mental health struggler of many years, it feels like Jack's mental struggle should have been way past that stage. Though it should be said that everyone experiences these mental health struggles differently, it just felt less realistic as Jack's descent was not documented well enough. Depending on when his descent started, it could have very different results. Many things could happen in 50 years that would affect a person's outlook in life. It could be total despair: Jack finds no way of continuing and believes that he has completely failed. It could be dutifully depressed: Jack no longer considers himself righteous but still carries on out of habit. It could be blind optimism: despite losing the magic sword, Jack thinks, "Hey, I have fought for 40+ years. I could still do this!" Are these outcomes sound? No! Because there is no development for Jack to prove that they are sound. It also doesn't help that Jack's characterisation is so consistent in the first 4 seasons that jumping from level 1 to 100 in depression for Jack seems improbable and leaves the audience to imagine what happened. After all, depression and anxiety often do not originate from a singular event and build up gradually. Sure, I can buy that Jack is depressed, but I cannot buy that it can be resolved within 7 episodes, with half of that time occupied by Ashi's arc.

Speaking of Ashi's arc, her arc demanded the most time yet is the most unrefined. Her character has simply bitten off more than it could chew for 10 episodes. Within season 5, she went from being a daughter of Aku to an ally of Jack to Jack's lover. Each of these changes can be at least 10 episodes on its own. Especially when she has to undo 20+ years of conditioning, and completely acknowledging that she is on the wrong side of the war is bound to take a toll on her perception of reality. Yet it was resolved as quickly as 6 episodes, thanks to finding out, "Wow, Jack is actually a good guy and helped so many people!" This part of the arc was resolved because of Jack. So naturally, she becomes Jack's ally and then becomes Jack's lover. There is a terrifying idea that lurks in Ashi as one comes to realise that her entire personality revolves around Jack. In other words, if you remove Jack from Ashi's life, she becomes nothing. It is also deeply worrying that Ashi lacks emotional maturity and development as she "falls in love" with a man she has only met for maybe a week (not to say Jack is not also immature here). Her lack of independent development makes her character flimsy and frankly disturbing. She is literally made to become Jack's love interest. There is some irony in one of her final lines in the show; she says, "Without Aku, I would have never existed" when on a meta-fictional level, she would not have existed without Jack.

Character development is crucial in crafting the themes of a story. The above tackled the lack of character development leading to weak characters, but there is one thing that will determine the legacy of the story, the ending. Though it is often commented how Samurai Jack's ending was unfulfilling, it is not true that unfulfilling endings are bad. (Minor spoilers for True Detective season 1) True Detective season 1 did not end in a fulfilling manner, as it did not resolve all of the mysteries it brought up. That wasn't a huge issue as it complied with the genre of strange fiction and the theme of the world being a strange and inexplicable place that evokes more mysteries than it explains. Samurai Jack's ending and, thus, the conclusion to Jack's arc promotes the idea that overcoming one's weakness, sacrificing for the greater good, and bringing justice will not bring you the happiness you deserve... Which does not make sense relative to Jack's character development and characterisation. Jack is often characterised as a selfless hero and a bringer of hope. And the people benefit greatly from his aid. The only person who often does not benefit from this is Jack himself, who often forsakes his opportunity to return to the past in favour of saving the people in need. The show promises that Jack will find peace and happiness when he fulfils his destiny of defeating Aku. And with the classic hero's journey-type story Samurai Jack has, the show rips it apart at the very last moment, with no warning whatsoever. It wasn't a comment on the genre, as it did not deepen its themes. If one wants to turn Samurai Jack into a "we don't always get what we deserve" (please don't) story, then make fate truly cruel and unkind and provide Jack with no divine help in the story. Again, with the irony of Jack's tea being unbalanced, the show is unbalanced, too, as it rewards a suffering protagonist with more sadness and suffering at the end of his story.

Despite what this blog is about (it's art, by the way), art and aesthetics are not everything. Samurai Jack as a whole is beautiful aesthetically, but the rushed story and an unfulfilling legacy feel like a shame. Characters did not have the time to grow in complexity or realism, which made the audience feel disconnected from the characters. I wished I could see Ashi grow and develop into something more than "Jack's love interest". Or they could even develop into something that is not romantic, such as a mentor and apprentice story, which could be as, if not more, interesting. Having more refined characters creates a more refined theme that, if done right, can stir the right emotions in the audience that impact them for a lifetime.

Samurai Jack season 5 had a lot of potential but just couldn't deliver.

[elisysd]

Difficult - Gracie Abrams

Masterlist - Previously - Next Chapter

To name this feeling Would take a hundred thousand years, some kind of grieving But over what I never had, so I've been speaking To my therapist, I call her every weekend

It was raining in Monaco when Lyanna logged on to Zoom with her Macbook and Sophia's face appeared on the screen. Lyanna could see that she was at her office, which was quite rare.

“Hey, gorgeous! So how is Monaco?”

“Gloomy.” Answered Lyanna trying to show her the downpour that was taking place at that moment.

“Nice. It reminds you of London, that way.”

“Believe it or not, but I was kind of used to the sun.”

“Who are you and what did you do to Lyanna Michel? I’ve never thought that I would hear you saying that. You hate when it’s hot outside.”

“Yeah well, people change.”

“Love changed you, in your case. Speaking of, where is lover boy?”

“With his physio. He has to make some physical tests to evaluate his condition and build a plan to get him back in shape for the new season.”

“I’m glad to hear that he is okay. Now maybe, you are going to come back home in London?”

A long silence followed. Lyanna had been thinking for a few weeks. She didn't really miss London, she didn't miss her flat either, she was working very well from Monaco and then she had Charles. When she thought about London and her potential return, a lump formed in her stomach and it made her feel sad.

“About that… I’m thinking of moving out.” She confessed.

“What? Where? Do you mean moving out of the flat or of London?”

“Well both… I haven’t thought this through but… I was thinking of getting something closer to Charles. Like Nice? I have to find a real estate agent. Monaco is way too expensive for me.”

“Or you could just straight up move in with Charles instead of getting something for yourself. You are basically living together, already.”

“It’s different. I’m here because Charles needed someone to help him. It did not feel like moving – moving you see what I mean? I still want my independence and Charles will be away most of the year. I don’t see myself living here on my own. I would feel like an intruder. And moving with someone is a big step. As much as I love Charles, I’m not ready for that. But anyway, what is the oh so secret project you wanted to talk to me about?”

Suddenly, Sophia's face lit up and Lyanna could see the excitement on her face. Lyanna knew that look well; it was the same one she had worn when she had told her that her name was being seriously considered for the Oscar nominations.

“I got a call at the end of last week from Michael Mann’s team. He is working on his next movie and they would really like to have you on board. I did not tell you sooner because I wanted to see by myself what the project would look like and if it’s something that could interest you. But Lyanna, this movie can be the one to give you the Oscar. I’m sure of it. It’s such a big project with an intention to be shown at the Venice’s Mostra. That’s how big it is.”

“Wow.. okay. Michael Mann is a legend. What is the movie about? Do you know if other people have been casted or contacted?”

“Adam Driver and Penelope Cruz have signed up for it from what I’ve been told. They are searching for their last lead actress. Lead actress Lya. Up for consideration for the Oscars. Can you imagine?”

“You still have not told me about the kind of movie.” Pointed out Lyanna.

“It’s a biopic about Enzo Ferrari.”

Across town, in a private gym, Andrea and a Ferrari doctor were putting Charles through a series of tests to see how he was doing. Overall, they were satisfied with the Monegasque, who not only showed good physical health, but also an excellent mental state. He was ready to face the new season and give it his all. It was as if his accident and forced rest had mentally rebooted him. All Charles wanted to do was get back into an F1 car as quickly as possible. In fact, Ferrari was planning to do so, to test him on track and also because it would make good photos to feed the Scuderia's official accounts.

“Yeah, I talked to Silvia about that. The PR team planned a whole program to show people that I’m alive and well.”

“What have they in store for you?” asked Andrea.

“An interview in my flat, in Monaco. They also want to shoot a video like a day in my life like kind of thing. And me at the factory. And I’m going to go the FIA prize giving ceremony. She did not ask me to go, I’m forced. And here I thought that I would have had a few weeks off before Christmas… And you know the best thing? They want to include Lya. They still have not given up on the idea. I mean, I want her by my side at the FIA ceremony that’s for sure. But during the video shoot? Not sure about that.”

“And no stupid Christmas challenge with Carlos?”

“Don’t get me started on that. They want us to have a competition of who is going to make the best gingerbread house.”

“You know how they are.” Tried to resonate Andrea with him.

“I don’t mind doing that. But I don’t want them to use my relationship. Especially when I can feel that it’s purely in a marketing way. I have to talk to Lya about it and see what she wants to do. If she is down for it why not, but I doubt it. But the worst thing is that I know that even if we both say no, they are still going to do it so we might as well try to do what they want and have a little bit of control over it.”

When Charles returned to the flat in the late afternoon, it was almost dark. The living room was dimly lit and he found Lyanna, with a cup of tea in her hands, staring out of the window. Charles wondered what she could see: it was pouring rain and there wasn't much visibility.

“Hey, love. What are you staring out?”

She let out a long sigh and shrugged her shoulders, which worried Charles. She didn't look too good. He knew she'd had a telephone appointment with Sophia earlier in the day and wondered if that was the reason for her distant behaviour. He put his sports bag down in the entrance hall and walked over to her, holding her by the waist. If she usually let herself go naturally against him, this time he felt her stiffen. 

“Everything’s okay?” insisted Charles.

She freed herself from his arms and went into the kitchen to empty her cup and rinse it. Charles had the impression that she was trying to avoid him and he hated that feeling, reminding him of moments in their relationship that he would like to leave in the past.

“Lyanna?” he tried to get her attention as he followed her.

“I’m not in the mood for talking, Charles.” She finally decided to speak to him.

“Did I do something wrong? If it's because I left the toilet seat up again, I'm sorry, I'm trying to be careful.”

“Not everything revolves around you, Charles.” she replied sharply.

“So… I did something wrong.”

“For fuck’s sake, I told you I didn’t want to talk about it, so please drop it!”

Charles felt unsettled, it had been a while since he'd had an argument and he had to admit that he didn't miss it at all. He could see that something was tormenting Lyanna, he wasn't blind. The only logical conclusion he could come to, if it wasn't his fault, was the video call with Sophia.

“Did something happen with your work?”

The fact that Lyanna stopped dead in her tracks as she headed for the bedroom made him realise that he had been right. The young woman turned back and sat down on the sofa, where Charles joined her.

“A biopic about Ferrari is about to be shot and they want me onboard as a lead. It’s a huge project and probably Oscar worthy.” She said bluntly.

“What? Lyanna, that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you! If you need help to prepare, I can find archives and…”

“I said no.”

“What do you mean you said no?” asked Charles, confused.

“They don’t want me. They want Charles Leclerc’s girlfriend.” She explained with tears in her eyes.

“Come on Lya, you know it’s not true…”

The young woman stood up abruptly, startling Charles.

“Don’t be stupid Charles! I think it’s pretty convenient to be called for this movie not so long after we made our relationship public!”

“Or they think you are talented and deserve to be part of it, Lya.”

“Do you know how humiliated I felt? Do you have the slightest idea? No of course you don’t. My career is what matters the most to me. I worked my ass off to be where I am today, to feel deserving of it. And it’s still feels like it’s a big dream and that I will wake up at any minute. When I understood why they wanted me, it was like all my work, my blood, sweat and tears, all of that was for nothing. I didn’t feel like Lyanna Michel, the actress. I felt like Lyanna Michel, Charles Leclerc’s girlfriend and actress. And it hurt. So bad. I felt robbed.”

“I’m so sorry, Lya… I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have anything to say. It is what it is. But I can’t accept to make a movie like this. I would wake up every day wondering if I stole someone’s place. And I would end up hating you because of that, and that’s the last thing I want.”

“I still think you should take time to think this through, maybe talk with the people involved.”

“There is nothing to talk about. My decision is final and I’m asking you to respect it. I should not even have said something, it was stupid you don’t understand. You can’t understand.”

“I understand! Truly, I do! But it’s something that we could have sorted out together, instead you preferred to do things on your own. I don’t to be an obstacle to your career, Lya. I want to see you succeed.”

“It’s my career Charles. I can do whatever the hell I want! I don’t interfere in yours so please don’t interfere in mine!”

“How do I interfere? Tell me? I don’t because you never talk to me.”

“What is the point? You know who could understand me? Arthur. He knows what it feels like to be associated to you and how painful it can get.”

It was a low blow for Charles.

“Don’t bring Arthur into it, please.” He told her with a serious tone.

“Why shouldn’t I? Have you ever wondered how he could feel? To always be in your shadow, to be compared to you? I never thought that it would be something that I would one day experience but here we are.”

“You are being dramatic. Really. It’s just a movie, Lya? Why are we fighting?”

“It’s deeper than just a movie. It’s about my place in your life. It’s about balance. How would you feel if tomorrow you would get a sponsorship with a brand because you were my boyfriend?”

“I would be proud!”

“Let me doubt that.”

“Listen… I’m tired and I’m stressed out. And obviously we are both stubborn about it and fighting is pointless. I’m going to go to bed.”

Seeing the young woman heading for the guest room rather than their bedroom, Charles questioned her.

“I don’t feel like being near you, right now.”

This hurt Charles; it felt like his heart was being torn in two. He spent an absolutely horrible night, tossing and turning all the time. And when he got up the next morning with the firm intention of having a frank and calm discussion with his girlfriend in order to find a solution, he had the impression that it was no longer his heart that had been torn in two, but his soul. She was gone.

========

author's note: It's always one step forward and three steps back between this two. I'm curious, where do you think Lyanna went? Is he gone for good? Is she just out for a walk? Who knows (me I know) Let me know your thoughts and theories, I can't wait to hear them. As usual, a like, a reblog, a comment help giving visibility to the story and it supports the author! taglist:

@zendayabelova @purplephantomwolf @ru-kru @dakotali @blueflorals @aundercover @ruleroftheuniverse @fangirlika @writerscurse @elijahmikaelsonbitch @leclerc13 @karmabyfernando @stargaryenx @pitlanebabe @boiohboii @reengard

If you are tagged but did not receive any notifications, please check your settings because it means that Tumblr didn't let me tag you.

[nicistrying]

Tues 30th August

More pics from the Lake District - we hiked up Helvellyn on the way home on Thursday!

Home for one night, unpacked, repacked, and went back to almost the same place for a tribute festival with my 2 sisters and my niece and nephew for the weekend. That was the most fun I've had in a looong time and felt so freaking good to properly let my hair down, no phone signal, no internet, just dancing and singing in the mud and the rain.

Back to reality today, running errands and visiting family all day before I go back to work tomorrow. Only back for 2 weeks until I have a long weekend for my birthday though. Hope everyone has been well while I've been MIA!

[megumi-fm]

this week fortnight on megumi.fm ▸ the last leg

is that a pun referring to my aching ankle? yes. is resting at home for another week gonna ruin my mental health? yes. but am I exaggerating and throwing a tantrum for something that's probably not a big deal? also yes.

📋 Tasks

💻 Internship // progress tracker ↳ biopython model replication ✅ ↳ code for obtaining single fasta from overlapping sequences ✅ ↳ running HMMer and superfamily script✅ ↳ output analysis 🔁 ↳ literature review on transport proteins 🔁 ↳ transport protein family analysis 🔁 🎓 Uni ↳ our paper is finally out! there's a doi and everything now <3 it's not open access though :/// I might do some totally legal things to ensure more people can read it ↳ collected the hardcopy of my LOR ↳ collected my gradecard ↳ visited my advisor and updated her on stuff 🩺Radiomics Project ↳ radiomic features finalized✅ ↳ data cleanup 🔁

📅 Daily-s

🛌 consistent sleep [14/14] 💧 good water intake [14/14] 👟 exercise [/14] just basic stuff to maintain ankle mobility

Fun Stuff this week

💗i went to uni to watch one of my friends present something to the juniors! then I spent the afternoon chatting with my guide and later on went window shopping with my best friends (in retrospect i should not have done this because my ankle got infinitely worse the next day and now I'm stuck resting at home for an additional two weeks) 🎮playing undertale with @muakrrr 📺 ongoing: Marry my Husband, Cherry Magic Th, Perfect Propose, Doctor Slump, Flex X Cop 📺 binged: Blueming, Roommates of Poongduck 304 📹 Started watching Going Seventeen // so I've been listening to SVT for a while now and I did watch their Don't Lie II eps like two years ago but I never really checked anything else... however, considering that I'm stuck at home and that @zzzzzestforlife (who has impeccable taste) has mentioned it often on their posts, I decided to check out GoSe properly and. wow. I started with their mystery episodes [fav scenes under cut] and now I'm watching GoSe2020 in chronological order and !!!!!! The concepts, the storylines, the acting, the humour, the editing, even the subtitles are all so so good. I've been watching this show for two weeks now and I am now officially a cubic <3

📻 This week's soundtrack

Wk1: The Best of ATEEZ // I've been real obsessed since their 2024 world tour clips started showing up on social media; I was a casual enjoyer up to this point and then I went and checked them out and it's all so dystopian and immersive. My favourites would be Intro: Long Journey (which makes me feel like I'm in Pirates of the Caribbean), the Symphony version of Wonderland (for its musicality and Jungho hitting those notes), MATZ (that is insane in it's the visual storytelling in the MV) and Wake Up (whose performance choreo ended me) Wk2: The Best of BTS // in an attempt to revive a project I abandoned a year ago, I spent wayy too much time curating this playlist to get the most satisfying BTS transitions ever and I can confidently say that I'm nowhere close to my goal T-T but I kind of like the way it is now so I am simply going to give up

---

[Feb 12 to Feb 25 ; week 7+8/52 || this was not supposed to be one post but then... idk what happened... I feel very dull lately because of my ankle and just when I thought it was getting better it's become painful again... my friends and parents keep chastising me (and fairly so) for trying to move around even before I fully heal but patience has never been my strong suit. sitting still is really the biggest punishment for a hyperactive ADHD kid like me... i'm sure plenty others have it worse but... yeah... GoSe really carrying my mental health right now ]

my fav GoSe scenes

---

[talentisntgenius]

Heard you like PJhazel, so hope you don't mind some incorrect quotes I have made but am too shy to post on my blog, i know alot people don't enjoy incorrect quotes so feel free to ignore this message if you don't but if you...enjoy

Pj: I AM IN A BAD MOOD! NO ONE TALK TO ME!

Hazel: 🥺🥺🥺

Pj: Alright, fine. You can talk to me. BUT NO ONE ELSE! I MEAN IT!

-------------

Pj: hazel just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then she reached down and untied my shoe.

____________

Hazel: Your legs look great in those pants.

Pj: You should see me without them.

Hazel:...

Hazel: Why would you take your legs off?!

--------------

Pj *covered in hickeys and scratches from hazel but refusing to admit who they're from*: I don't kiss and tell.

Josie, from across the room: That's literally the only two things you do!

_________

Sylvie: I dare you to kiss the next person who walks in this room. 

Pj: Fuck you, I’m not kissing anyone- 

*Hazel, walks into the room*

Pj: ...Fine, I'll do it. Rules are rules.

__________

Pj: Hazel; my beautiful girlfriend, taught me to think before I act.

Pj: …So if I beat the shit out of you, rest assured that I thought about it and am confident in my decision.

_______

Pj: Hey, babe, remember how I had to go to the pharmacy to pick up my ADHD meds?

Hazel: Yes?

Pj: Well, it turns out they're all out for the next five days.

Hazel: Fuck.

Pj: It's gonna be a fun week!

Hazel: I'm going to josie and isabel’s house.

Pj: Nuh-uh. Through sickness and health, motherfucker.

_________

Hazel: this is a stupid idea!

Pj: Hey, nothing we’ve done so far has been un-stupid, and we’re still alive, aren’t we?

Hazel: I can’t really argue with that, but I feel like I should.

------------

Pj: not that I'm complaining, but when I asked for a spoon, I meant the utensil.

Hazel *hugging her from behind*: Oh.

-----------

Pj: How do I tell hazel that I want her to yell at me like she's Gordon Ramsay and I'm a poor little chef who just ruined a crème brûlée?

________

Josie: Wow you and pj are home early from the movies. What happened?

Hazel: We got kicked out because pj wouldn't stop yelling diving scores as people jumped off the titanic.

Pj: That last guy had a solid 8, I'm telling you!

__________

Pj: We have a problem.

Hazel *is done with her shit*: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them

__________

Hazel: Hey, wanna have sex?

Pj: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

-------------

Pj: Before "the huntungton incident", I had so many interests. Now all I care about is whether or not Hazel had a good day.

-------------

Hazel: for the last time pj, they're called "hikes" not "stupid mental health walks"

Pj: I don't see a difference

________

Pj: Hazel is good at kissing. So good I want to punch the ahit out of the person who taught her.

---------

Pj: You know what would be sexy?

Hazel: What?

Pj: Eating food off each other.

Hazel: You didn't do the dishes, did you?.

Pj: ..I did not.

-----------

That's all I've got, hope you enjoy!

Anon I just gotta say, neurodiverse PJ is so real and you were brave enough to say it!!!! You heard it here folks: pjhazel aduhd couple (real) (canon)

Loved the last three in particular and the spoon one it's so them lmaooooo thanks for this! <3

[begitalarcos]

Hey Guys

Wow it's been quite some time. In regards to my last life post (that I don't remember making) but did happen and was very difficult to deal with all the fall out for like... more than a month after.

I'm sorry I left you all with that and then just disappeared again. Things have been weird the last couple months... to put it in simple words... shit sucks

The falling out with my daughter caused a huge rift between several people who (were not involved but still had a very loud opinion about things) and quite a few uncomfortable conversations.

I unfortunately started drinking as a way to deal with not dealing with things (I'm good now but I had about 3 weeks of just being smashed on the regular) and during that time I suffered an awful fall which resulted in me slipping a disc in my back. Possibly 2 of them but I've had such a hard time dealing with doctors lately that no one in the medical field has been particularly helpful. So I've been living off a cocktail of painkillers for almost 2 months now (which I hate), I was going to physio but then my insurance decided not to cover my sessions until I could PROVE I was actually hurt.

Tomorrow I go for an assessment with a new doctor to try and get my insurance to cover treatment again, my MRI isn't even until August of next f*cking year. -_-

Our healthcare system is an absolute joke right now.

On top of being in CONSTANT pain (not being able to sit or lie down for very long either cuz I lose feeling in my legs) my daughters disability/mental health program has decided to just... not help anymore until she gets a new assessment. Even though its been almost 3 years and she's still on a waiting list for an adult psychiatrist.

So the last week or so now everyone is coming back to me to try and fix/smooth things out again (after I was basically pushed out of her life because I was "making shit up" and "didn't actually care" and apparently was just being a control freak) and no one has apologized for the way they treated me or forced me out of helping my own kid. Nope. They just expect that now that she has no financial coverage that I should be the one to speak for her again cause they have no idea what to do. -_-

My husband has been solid thankfully, even though his relationship with Sassy has suffered so much because of the people around her who have influenced her... not always for the better. But I at least have maintained a sense of control in a way that's worked for me.

I told everyone who has given me grief for the past couple years about Sassy (including Sassy) that if I am going to advocate for her and get this stuff sorted out that I'm doing it my way, and if I get any push back or flack from anyone - then I'm done. They can figure it out themselves and I wash my hands of it all.

My husband thinks I shouldn't have gotten involved again at all, but I know (and I knew things were gonna blow up eventually) if I don't fix this... its gonna become my problem again anyways.

This past month or so I've had some really good breakthroughs with my therapist about my toxic coping skills, people pleasing and lack of boundaries with family members.

I feel better about things though than I ever have and now that I am standing firm with my boundaries and my convictions its been much easier for me to deal with any gaslighting or potential drama that people have tried to start up with me.

I know this got super long winded and I didn't intend for it to be as rambling and trauma dumpy as it was but - it is good to get things out and clear the air. As I feel like I sort of left an air of weirdness here for quite sometime.

Working on getting back to the things that I enjoy and stop becoming immersed in other peoples drama and things that I can't change.

I've missed you guys and crikey has Tumblr changed since I've been away. But I'm hopeful and I look forward to getting back into fandoms and gif sets and all those things I loved so much again <3

much love to you all

B

[ofduskanddreams]

a not-so-brief announcement:

I have a lot of unfinished WiPs. Having so many WiPs (entirely my fault: too many ideas + not enough time) has been a large source of anxiety for me in recent weeks, to the point where it's been difficult for me to write at all.

Logically, I know that I'm doing this for free in my free time—I am under no obligation to create other than the one I set for myself. Realistically, I often feel like I'm letting you all down when I don't post/write enough. I know it isn't true, but it often feels like my value to this fandom is measured by how much content I can contribute to it. I've only been here for a little over a year, and I still often feel like a new kid trying to prove their worth.

Thinking this way sends me down a very unproductive spiral of putting pressure on myself to write/create and feeling guilty when I can't do as much as I want (my self-imposed expectations are also too high.) Instead of being a fun creative outlet, writing fic hasn't been enjoyable recently. That saddens me.

I hate feeling this way, honestly, because I love writing, I love storytelling, I love this fandom and these characters and the community I've gained here. I want to be here and I want to be writing because I have so many ideas and I love the stories I've already told/started to tell. But I also need it to be fun for me.

My list of WiPs, combined with all of my tangled feelings about writing, currently have me feeling like Sisyphus standing at the bottom of the hill trying and failing to catch a glimpse of the top around the massive boulder in front of him. I don't know how to find the joy that I've lost, but I do know that taking some of the pressure off of myself is a good place to start. This brings me to the reason I started writing this post.

The modern AU fic I started writing for Elucien Week has, in that classic turn of events, turned out to be far more extensive of a story than I intended. I estimate a total of 7-8 thick chapters. I have 10k words already written but that's only the first 1.25 chapters.

For the sake of my mental health, I will not be posting what I've written so far tomorrow as I originally had planned. I just can't deal with another WiP hanging over my head right now, I'm sorry.

I'm also going to give myself a break from writing/posting writing for the next few weeks because I think that my being burnt out is likely a major contributor to why writing fic hasn't been fun. I'll still be around, don't worry. Hopefully, this break will give me time to catch up on reading everyone else's fics.

Wow, it turns out I really needed to get that off my chest. I know this was long, thank you for listening <3

[magicalrocketships]

Hello I've seen that you prescribed yourself some time at the seaside and followed through with that and I'm just curious, has it cured the ailments or just sort of relocated them and would you recommend this course of action for others? Asking for a friend. Any notes would be helpful. Thanks and kind regards.

There is no surefire solution to life’s ills, and I had the shitty misfortune to move here and then get a brand new chronic illness 8-12 weeks after moving, which has got worse and worse and now it is Not Good, BUT:

- I was sick on and off for periods when I lived in London and I also went through lockdowns alone, and it was truly, truly rubbish. I tried to get in the habit of going for local walks and there was a lot of trying to walk past people’s bins and it was just a lot of high density PEOPLE without much SPACE, and there wasn’t a specific moment where I was like, WOW, I am tired of London (and feel tired of life) but yeah, I was DONE. I’d lived there for ages and I stopped loving living there. I was ready for a change.  

- So yeah, I took myself off across the country and to the sea, and now I’ve been ill in new environments, but it’s considerably better being sick here than sick trapped where I was before. My breathing is better (less pollution), mental health is better (feel less trapped), before I got too sick to walk about much it was just nicer to walk about and better views and the SEA, and there’s something incredible about just watching the waves for dealing with SO MUCH stuff. Unfortunately I got sick before I got a chance to meet many people/do much stuff so it hasn’t been the smoothest transition. 

- So! Ups and downs but if I’m going to be sick anywhere I’d rather be sick by the sea than anywhere else, I feel like there’s space to breathe and a whole horizon to look at, and the Victorians were on to something with prescribing the sea for ailments. (Medicine also helps).