#this week has been Hard and im really struggling
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hi, everyone. i hope you all are doing well. i’ve been meaning and wanting to check in here for many months but i have also been too afraid to. but i want to do it now because im potentially at a turning point and i want you all (especially close friends and mutuals who i haven’t talked to in a long time) to know what’s going on because unfortunately i do not have the strength to reach out individually right now, as much as i desperately want to.
when i left this place a year ago my depression was extremely bad. i didn’t know how long i was going to be gone or whether i was leaving for good, but i knew i needed to make some changes in my life before i could be here healthily again. well… 2024 has been a year of IMMENSE change for me! a lot of it has been for the good. i made some progress in my life by moving out, and i’ve had a lot of joy and healing in (very slowly) building a home for myself and figuring out what kind of life i want to live and how i want to live it. (im learning how to drive! i have string lights and stuffed animals and a wii! i am capable of solo travel!)
but… a lot of the changes that have happened this year have been for the worse. in almost every respect 2024 has been one of the most difficult and painful years of my life (and that is saying something!). this year a couple of traumatic things have happened to me and around me, and it has been extremely hard to live my life despite and beyond them. i have been dealing with physical and mental health issues that have greatly impacted my quality of life and make it unbearably difficult for me to get through every day. i am constantly running on negative spoons. one of the most damaging outcomes of this is that i have almost completely withdrawn from society both online and off and that is not an exaggeration. ive stopped talking to all of my friends and family except for people i see every day at work. i impulsively isolate myself when im in pain / distress despite knowing both emotionally and logically that it makes literally everything worse and i don’t know how to (and often can’t muster the mental strength to) work through the shame and grief and anxiety to seek connection and support. and im struggling to take care of myself including physically and its having severe consequences in every aspect of my life and in the lives of people who care about me. i live alone and i still think that was the good and right choice for me to make, but i am profoundly and agonizingly lonely. my depression was extremely bad when i left here, but i think despite everything it might be even worse now.
all of this is to say: this week i finally decided i can’t suffer like this anymore, and i began the process of seeking a formal diagnosis for my depression and other mental health issues and exploring additional treatment beyond talk therapy (most likely meds but there may be other things too / instead; still at the very beginning stages of figuring it all out). i am extremely anxious about many dimensions of this but also hopeful that it will help me hurt less because when i tell you at this point my brain and heart physically ache from depression like 85% of every day…. lol. im really hoping that once i get my mental / emotional pain under control i’ll be able to start tending to the parts of my life that have withered while ive suffered and repair the damage of my neglect as best i can. (which is to say… if you’re my friend and you’re reading this please know i love you and i miss you terribly and i am so sorry we haven’t spoken and i am so sorry im telling you this in a tumblr post you may not even read instead of a reply or a call back. i still love you and i want you to know it is not you specifically i am ghosting, its everyone. i am trying to build the strength and im scared i can’t but i hope i can.)
that said… i have decided i am not going to be coming back to this blog. i miss this place and the community i felt connected to here, but the way i was using this website as a public diary was extremely unhealthy, and as much as i miss it and still crave the instant comfort/validation i see clearly now with months of distance how damaging it was. (i truly cannot believe i was oversharing like that lol i am so private now (yes due largely to mental illness but still!)) i am so grateful to everyone who reassured me when i was struggling and celebrated my successes. this was the first place, online or off, where i (misguidedly but it’s true!) could actually be honest and candid about things happening in my life and my reactions to them instead of communicating it all through metaphors in my art and poetry, and it truly mattered that i had that experience here so that i could seek out more spaces like it in my offline life. i know i already said thank you in a previous update but really… thank you. 💗🫂
im not planning on deleting this blog. i may come back here and share updates like this one from time to time, but otherwise i will leave it as it is. but… i do want to get back to using a few of my fandom-centered sideblogs because looking at and compiling art of things i like is a low-energy thing that makes me happy! so you may see activity there every once in a while (tbh during this hiatus i have opened tumblr from time to time to look at art and save a bunch of posts that i wanted to reblog eventually lol). but… if i notice myself slipping back into bad habits i may private the sideblogs or abandon them completely.
i don’t know how to end this post. actually wait yes i do. one of my all time favorite artists is anna-laura sullivan (@/annalaura_art on instagram) and this is one of my all time favorite drawings of hers (so much so that i made it my lock screen so i can look at it every day!). this saying has brought me a lot of comfort and i hope it (and her other art) will bring you comfort too if you’re also in a dark place.
one more thing: not to be kind of a freak but in writing this post i discovered a longer version of my goodbye post from last year in my drafts. i don’t remember why i didn’t post it and obviously it’s outdated now but i want to share the draft because i went into more detail about tumblr having been helpful for me specifically when it comes to my mutuals + info / disclaimers about how to reach me and i want you guys to hear that in my past self’s voice lol! i put it under the cut if you want to read it!
2023 tess said it best: i hope you know how much it’s meant to me to be in your company. thank you for sharing and thank you for listening. i love you. happy [almost] new year. be well. good luck. shine bright. until we meet again ☕️🐈🫂💗
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stepping away for a while. fics are on indefinite hiatus until i come back. queue will run for a while til it's out.
bye.
#sorry yall#im just too worn thin and too burnt out to be here rn#this week has been Hard and im really struggling#and frankly im sick of fandom bullshit#sick of feeling like i cant say or post anything without being eaten alive#sick of getting random hate from people#sick of being mocked behind my back#sick of rude comments and messages and assholes arguing under my posts#I am so fucking Tired#and i just dont have it in me to keep posting and working on things when its like this#its just not fucking worth it
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my doctor was sooooo fucking worthless and unhelpful im going to masturbate and i hope it fucking kills me
#“no need for follow up”#“yeah you did have several cysts we scrapped off your remaining ovary but. dw about it. idk why they were there. dw about it. oh also your#ovary on that side was freakishly huge but. dw about it. it might go away. dw about it#*doctor shrug emoji* “#“go see a gyno next year maybe. but not me im too important for that. go find and onboard a gyno to your situation. next year maybe idk lol”#he barely even looked at my incision like#this fucking appointment could have been an email. or a phone call. or they just could have let me start driving again. also i forgot to ask#if i can stop drinking ensure now or after the 6 weeks? cause that shit cost $$$$. but he probably would have been super unhelpful if i had#fr fr this guy only wanted to give me the time of day when he thought i might have fun cancer inside and now he's like gtfo!!!! get your#fugly cancerless ass out of here!!!! recover from a major surgery on your own you swagless cancerless loser 🤣 we arent helping your#swagless ass!!!#anyway it seems weird and fucked up that im was never offered to see a physical therapist and i guess am going to have to blindly trust my#abs they sliced thru are healing or whatever and to rawdog my own physical recovery of my muscles? even just dumb shit like. my center of#gravity has drastically changed since the mass removal and my back hurts like shit all the time because all my posture muscles were built up#for when i had an extra 30 pounds of cyst hanging in the front and my posture and walking reflected that. and i lowkey don't know how#hard i am able to be with my healing incision because its really tight and makes me hunch forwards still. like i would really like to know#how much i can safely or maybe should be forcing my skin and incision to stretch. without damage? is that crazy#am i crazy???#this shit is why i didnt see a doctor for 2 years until my problems had snowballed into a 30 pounds ovarian cyst that was crushing my other#organs and had one of my kidneys all backed up with piss. and even getting emergency treatment for it everyone was like. how did you like it#get this bad?? how could you not know you needed to seek medical treatment???? like. bro. seeking medical treatment isnt even a guarantee to#get medical treatment.#anyway he said my “remaining ovary seemed low key polycystic but dw about it. don't quote me on that im not dealing with it.”#bro i dont want to doctor google it i wanted an actual doctor to deal with it. fuck you.#like. maybe even a doctor who knows my situation so i dont have to struggle with getting someone to believe me and take me seriously.#but whatever. back to trying to figure out the daily protein and extra calories my body needs for recovery via doctor google i guess.#its fine 🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬🚬
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Jobs for someone not cut out for real life but who excels at mimicry
#idfk#im like good at saying the right thing but i feel like in my heart i know#im a failure#i am not good at anything really in any stunning way. im ugly im hard to talk to#im good at liking many niches of music. im good at roleplay. im good at having fun sometimes#idk. i was so chipper last week#i feel like a pagliacci stupid clown whose life is in crumbles around him#i cant keep talking to people and seeing the contempt in their eyes when i fumble my words#i have a stutter now like. howd that happen i didnt when i was a kid#but a couple years ago it started and its been. worse in the last few months#im so like. i feel like such a failure#likea fake person who had so many opportunities to make my life real#pinocchioesque maybe#ughhh#im just feeling sorry for myself sorry guys#im trying to draw here at 1 am bc. i kinda drew something kinda nice the other night but#every compliment ive ever gotten feels unearned and like. a social lie#like imposter syndrome but im an imbecile for real and also the lamest person ever#i cant make friends. i seem to be annoying in an unnameable way to everyone who has ever met me but no one will have the decency to tell me#why#i have been longing for the past a bit lately too. nothing in particular though? just like.... how i felt about the future when i was young#and full of hope#i had a horrible childhood. i didnt enjoy being there and my dad always seemed preoccupied with the fact i would grow up and not want to#be his friend anymore?#but in an adult now and he seems to never have time for me#and he didnt back then either idk#i guess im sensitive to that. and i struggle myself#if smthing is transitory its unreliable and therefore i should wait it out#haha learned behavior!!! autism!!!! but god i feel so lonely and stupid. im gonna#draw my teddy bear giving me a hug
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Sometimes it feels like my mom punishes me for things I can't control and it's actually kinda really upsetting.
#i fell asleep yesterday after work as i mentioned before and that means i wasn't able to wash up after dinner#she said to me today that if i fell asleeo again before dinner she'd be pissed off at me#and usually a comment like that wouldn't bother me#but I'm the only one working full time/ with two jobs in my house#especially when my brothers don't do anything around the house#even though they don't have jobs/ do anything full time. and yet the responsibility of housekeeping is always left to me#even if I'm tired. The reason i can't fo to sleep early ia because cleaning the downstairs before i go takes a while#ofc it would when you have a family of 9 and you're the only person doing it#she never asks them either#and then she gets upset at me if like yesterday i don't do these things#and it's like#everyone keeps telling me fo stop treating myself as a machine#but it's kinda hard when everyone else does the same#today/ this week when work has been really tough and im struggling already because im having a hard time#it's the last thing you wanna hear that someone's upset at you for doing something that could have been shared between others#i don't know it just feels like a sledgehammer fo the chest every time#i just feel I'm constantly disappointing someone because im not able to do what they say#ans no matter how much i say it's unfair nothing ever changes.
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#its been a long while since ive made one of these posts#want to preface it by saying im okay#im just going through a lot#this whole school year has been really awful#its just been constant one thing after the other#most recently i got bit by a student and sent to the hospital bc it swelled so much#im fine its mostly just some really bad bruising now (and no broken skin)#its just been frustrating when i cant do things like normal because of the pain#ive also got other things going on that i wont get into#but im just feeling very emotionally drained and physically exhausting#i keep pushing through and trying to act like everything is fine#but its taking its toll on me#im struggling to keep it together this week but i know i need to#ive cried on the way to work two days in a row now and i have a feeling tomorrow will be a third#its just hard to make myself go there when im surrounded by so much negativity#but i honestly love my job#and i know ill be fine#things are just difficult right now and i have to keep looking for the good things#being out in the sun helps so ive been doing a lot of that#and ive been trying to look at the positive sides of things when i can#i just feel like i shouldnt let my feelings be so big bc it feels selfish right now#anyway#i just needed to put this all down in words somewhere#it helps to get it out#thanks to anyone who actually read this#i hope youre doing well 💙#delete later#late night ramblings#probably delete in morning#this whole thing is a mess
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everything has been so fast lately i need time to just stop for a little
#preferably on. 02:19. so i can sleep! thank you#really though it’s like i’ve been so busy i’ve no time to do anything For Me lately#everything has been like work. and school. and plans with my friends. and coursework and like ITS SO FUN but also#i have had no allotted robyn time and it’s starting to get to me i think . i haven’t written anything substantial in weeks if it#hasn’t been for class. and like again i’m having fun! i’m so excited for everything coming up and it’s nice to be so busy and productive#but also AAAAHHHH AAAAHHHH SOMETHING IS ALWAYS HAPPEBING#it’s like so hard to maintain like#school AND work AND social life AND online life AND me time#like one or two of them always ends up struggling#and again i’m having so much fun but 😫😫 i really just need to be alone for a day i think! and take it easy#but. idk. i’m also enjoying myself IM NOT COMPLAINING it’s just like wow i can’t remember the last time i took myself out somewhere nice to#write… i haven’t been to my favorite teahouse in a minute 😔 maybe next weekend. idk. i think i have stuff then too!!!!#rambling#also something bad happened and i ended up having to chop off a part of my hair#and i have been taking it as well as you’d expect (cannot handle unplanned change)#it’s so small you can’t even notice. BUT I CAN FEEL IT ABD ALSO IT MAKES ME SAD! ok goodnight
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Something i hate the most about being autistic is when I have to cancel plans last minute because I'm on the verge of a meltdown. I seriously feel like such an asshole but the alternative is having said meltdown in a public place or at a family gathering and both of those options are worse.
Like I don't want to come off as a jerk or inconsiderate but what am I supposed to do. I think its the thing that makes me feel the most shame about my disability, the constant feeling that I'm disappointing people.
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#ugh. the fucking struggle of a thing i will not talk about. its just an off shoot of one of my many#obessive compulsive tendencies. it just makes me think of my dad. like hes also a fucking anxious person but hes like. i have the thoughts#but then i dont let them control me so its not an issue. and he knos i get caught up on the structure and identification of problems so#hes always like. its only an issue if its like ruining ur life. and hes right and i definitely meet the standards of both of those things#bc im fucking thinking abt these things constantly. its in my head literally all the time. every second of the day#and i mean i guess this specific thing isnt ruining my life but it certainly isnt helpful and in combo with everything else my quality of#life is not what it could b. idk it just feels all empty which is y i became a fucking workaholic#bc i just get so fucking bored stuck in these stupid patterns that at least i can make myseld useful as i drive myself nuts#it also doesnt help that im still trying to unfuck my leg and not being very successful bc theres this fucking voice in my head like#keep moving. u cant sit down. walk around. dont stop. dont stop. dont stop. i can feel the muscles getting irritated again#its unbearable bc it doesn't really even hurt. i just kno im fucking it up for myself and i have all this excess energy that i cant get rid#of bc i cant run. anyway its just irritating#i probably triggered myself by watching the bear all day lol. its so good but it reminds me of working in a shitty banquet hall when my#brain was on fire. and theyve got that toxic workahoism that i so desperately cling to. and in a weird way i can relate tho their fucked#up mom when everyones just trying to help but shes so fixated on this thing that's clearly causing her distress but shes just screaming at#them. like i mean i have insight into my issues and i try not to let them affect anyone but me but its so hard when its like. i have to do#this thing. i have to do it. i kno its bad. i kno its fucked up but shut the fuck up and let me do this. u dont fucking understand#but i wouldn't say that bc i kno its irrational. ugh. i also have to go to a lab dinner tomorrow. maybe#no time has been listed so idk. its for my leaving so im technically the focus. hate that for me. whatever. itll b fine#at least the place is within walking distance and its like less than 3 weeks until i leave#unrelated
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🧮
#talking into the void time#talking out loud has been really difficult for me recently. my mind can't grasp the words and i struggle a lot.#i probably should start reading books in FINNISH i consume too much english media :/#i forget even simple words and phrases and it's hard to communicate especially in group projects where you should be... coherent#talking feels more like im playing alias. Im trying to describe things with poor grammar sound effects and hand gestures rrrr#could also be fatigue#this is something that frustrates me a lot because im already a bit chaotic in the way i speak and think#so im definitely not making it easier for others#smtimes even the idea of trying to explain things makes me so exhausted that i just give up like 'the thought is in me but i cant talk rn'#my head hurts from biting my teeth together 🆒#mmm what else#I'm so happy spring is almost here the sun has been so warm lately#breast lump appointment this week. I hope it's nothing '-'
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It's so embarrassing to be in my professors biggest fail class yet but at least I'm not part of the problem
#after our two midterm exams she has been like ''im so concerned about yall ive never seen a class struggle so much with xyz concepts b4''#and now theres a pop quiz every single class and she does routine surveys to determine where things went wrong 😭#idk if she is hazing us or what but she makes it sound like we stand out in a bad way#and she is not a bad teacher either like..... i have an A in this class and i dont work harder than i normally need to for an A#(im not one of those ''its so easy to ace a class i dont even study'' kind of ppl like i do put in effort for it but. its not ball busting)#she also has a lot of experience both in teaching and in nursing like i think she works really hard on her end#so its like.... what da hell is going on with my class#😮💨 i have to not stress about it bc i know that personally i am doing well and she has never approached me privately with concerns#its just nerve wracking like i dont want to be in the ''bad'' class i want everybody to succeed#but some of my classmates have failed out of this program several times before and half of the class skips almost every week#so. what the student doin
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i don’t want to jinx it but i think the flareup might actually be over :D
#i’ve felt better the past few days#obviously i don’t feel *good* lol that never happens but i don’t feel like throwing up and dying#which is definitely an improvement#it could be the emotional weight lifted off me since i finally told my mom everything that was going on with me health wise#it was scary and idk yet if im glad that i did but it’s definitely a relief to not be hiding it (as much) anymore#to be fair after last monday’s episode it was kinda hard to keep up the illusion that i was healthy 😅#anyways here’s hoping that the flare up is over and that i don’t have an episode tomorrow#because this has been the worst flare up so far it’s really taken a toll on me#and it’s lasted like two months#usually they only last like two weeks#ugh#it’s been awful i’m not gonna lie#my mental health isn’t pretty right now tbh#but i’m staying whimsical despite the horrors#my friends are having some struggles so im staying strong for them#hopefully these next few weeks (months? 🤞) will be better#plus drama is starting!!!!!!! i’m really excited for the show we’re doing it’s going to be so fun#and i’m going to have something to do with my time other than sit around in pain and falling asleep#i do hope the stress of drama doesn’t set me back again though 😬#anyways we’re not going to worry about that right now#praise be to god for helping me out of this even if it’s just briefly :]#being functional feels great#hope y’all are having a good month!!! <3
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(I need to vent about this but pls check the tw tags at the end before reading cause it might be triggering for you. Stay safe and ily! <3)
#i cant sleep partly because of my sleep schedule but also bc im super worried about my friend#shes been really struggling with depression since the beginning of this year and these past few weeks its gotten worse#to the point where she even has a date to end it all#and that date is next sunday#and i know that its not my responsibility to keep her alive and that thats her decision#but i really want her to be able to see things differently so that she reconsiders her decision#but i cant really talk to her cause shes in a different country + she hates texting + we cant videocall cause she says shes busy#i also get the feeling that she doesnt want to talk to me other than small talk rn#when were together we talk sbout absolutely everything and theres no problem#but its so hard to try and talk to her like this and the problem is that now is a crucial time#i know that worrying in excess is not gonna help and thay its not good for me either#but idk what to do#i feel like i csnt do much more than im already doing and its frustrating#tw sui implied#tw depression#tw sui ideation
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Logan begging for it.... so sweetly we cant refuse..... when he knows reader needs his sleep..... taking it in his even when it stays soft...... cockwarming reader while we sleeps.....
Yes im writing whis as I fall asleep
Logan Howlett x male reader
headcanons
I was gonna write a longer thing, but a migraine decided to kick my ass all of a sudden, so here I am simply rambling about this.
Imagine having a normal but exhausting day job. You’re no hero, no vigilante, no nothing, you’re just a guy. And you somehow ended up charming the pants off of The Wolverine of all people. How? You have no idea
Dating Logan is a real treat, even with his roughness and sometimes standoffish personality. When you guys really get close, he starts to get more vulnerable.
Along with vulnerable emotionally, he also starts to get a much stronger libido, seeing as he has a partner now. Him having a healing factor doesn’t help you in this case, since it means he has very little recovery time.
Seeing Logan, one would think hed be the dominant one, something you assumed in the beginning too. That was until you guys got intimate the first time and he shoved you onto your back to ride you instead.
There were no complaints from you obviously, because who’d mind having someone like that riding you? Logan in his broad, hairy and so very heavy way, lifting himself up and down on you like it was barely a workout.
You have to remind him to be careful though, multiple times, seeing as his bones make him extra heavy, and your poor hips are that of the average person.
Having a partner with a libido like that though, also means Logan is always raring to go, almost waiting for you by the door when you get home from your shift, like an old gruff dog waiting for affection.
The first week or two of you coming home dead on your feet and passing out on the couch the moment you sat down passed… as well as they could for Logan. He wouldn’t force you to do anything you hadn’t agreed with, but God, is he starting to get antsy.
After way too long, in Logans opinion at least, he finally can’t take it anymore. Being the Loverboy he secretly is, he at least brings you to your shared bed before clambering on top of you again.
You’re just too exhausted to do much other than pet at his thighs, eyes already drooping, but his almost timid but so desperate begging keeps you awake longer than other days. When you sleepily agree, Logan kisses you so hungrily you almost lose your breath.
You stay somewhat awake in the beginning as he works your clothes off, being kind enough not to rip it even if logan really really wanted too. He knows its your work clothes, and you’ve scolded him enough times about ripping up your clothes at this point.
It was hard to even really stay awake as Logan worked you hard, just enough for him to slide down on you, his groans sounding like he was a starving man having his first bite of food in weeks. Had you not been struggling to keep your eyes open, you might have teased him.
When Logan leans forward and just rests his weight on you, that was the last straw. Who could stay awake with such a warm heavy weight pressing down on them, like your own personal weighted wolverine blanket.
Logan didn’t even really feel the need to ride you or get himself off, he just wanted to be close to you like this, to feel you inside him and press up against you. So having slowly doze off under him wasn’t a bother, especially as you mumble for him to just keep going.
Most of the night is majorly used by Logan to just tuck his face into your neck and huff your scent, or rub his own against you. You will wake up with beard burns, sorry but those at the rules. Theres probably some chew marks and hickeys mixed in there too, Logans possessive.
You do wake up with very sore hips the next morning. In the comics he’s 300 lbs, but that’s with his comic height, so if were going off of movie Logan he weighs even more. And no matter how much you work out, that’s gotta make you sore.
You don’t really mind though, especially as Logan makes sure you massage your hips in ways you didn’t even know were possible. This also just gives Logan an excuse to lick and gnaw at you more, and to rub more of his scent into you, and yours into him.
Yes, you limp that day, and probably the day after. Luckily you’re able to work from home. This of course also means you have Logan on your dick the entire time, even if its just your mutant lover crawling under the blanket to get his mouth on you.
#male reader#logan howlett#wolverine#x men#marvel#deadpool and wolverine#logan howlett headcanon#logan howlett x reader#logan howlett imagine#logan howlett x male reader#wolverine imagine#wolverine headcanon#wolverine x reader#wolverine x male reader#x men x reader#x men headcanon#x men x male reader#x men imagine#marvel imagine#marvel headcanon#marvel x male reader#marvel x reader#x-men#x-men imagine#x-men headcanon#x-men x male reader#x-men x reader#deadpool and wolverine imagine#deadpool and wolverine headcanon#deadpool 3
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WILD
“...What’s going to happen to me?” they ask. “To us. In the future. I know you know.”
The owl twists her head left, then right. Then she rests her chin on her lion-like paws. “Long has nature sought to balance divinity. The First Gods realized their own mistakes too late, and wept for the world.”
The ibis says, “The terminus of divinity is Death. The Lamb, the godkiller to end all others.”
The raven says, “Light must cast shadow. There can be no end without a beginning.”
The owl leans forward, yellow round eyes fixed on them. “You will bring balance. You must if this world is to continue.” She stretches, cat-like claws briefly extending as she does. “But you have other duties to tend to, Lamb.”
#cult of the lamb#narilamb#cotl fanfic#***SPOILERS AHEAD***#every single time this story updates i struggle to write down the emotions it evokes in me that isn’t just keysmashing and sobbing#it depicts their love indescribably well given the foundation that’s been set so whenever hamal or nari thinks of their love for each other#i fucking believe it. man i feel it hard#like my heart smiled along with ratau and the others when they mention marriage bc they feel like my babies too and im so proud of them TuT#then my heart dropped when midas appeared but it got better when he got socked and bitten lmao good job lamb#gonna assume the sphynxes are confirming lamb has to begrudgingly save the bishops too which is gonna be SUPER interesting in this series#bc it’s done so well expressing the sheer hatred they have for them and i utterly empathize bc of what happened in nativity#masterful writing. really made you feel the weight of the sheep genocide. even if it only focused on the last three sheeps#and gosh i had tears when hamal felt the wind and knew nari was there beside them. it clearly helped them during the battle#even after midas underhanded attempt at payback#fighting scene was also nicely concise and i followed it easily. love imagining nari whizzing around them like a shadow while they fight#and i adore the whole scene where hamal attempts to resurrect him then and there#good that neftis is watching in awe bc this is utterly deserving of it. tbh i just have a lot of love for how much weight this story—#-gives the main game’s lore.#PSYCHED AF for the next chapter for power couple shenanigans. i wanna see these two rub their undying love and devotion in her face <3#red star of ruin my beloved you are truly one of a kind- a fic that’ll live in my mind forever even if i ever leave cotl#im especially grateful to read this after a rough week <3<3<3#addition +#fic
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heyllo :3
can i request reader x chan? reader is overwhelmed but keeps it in because that’s what they see chan doing a lot of the time. but eventually it builds to a breaking point where the stress causes them to completely shut down. chan doesn’t know exactly what’s wrong so it might be cute if he just sits on the floor in front of reader and plays clips from a song he’s working on and asks for their opinion (by basically talking out loud to himself) and then after reader calms down they are able to verbalize they just need a human weighted blanket and to be told they are doing amazing and their efforts are not going unnoticed.
im fine. 🥲
just hold me, tell me you love me
pairing : chan x reader
notes : me vs the long title. anyway thank uuu for being my first request! i hope this lives up to ur expectations and can provide u some comfort 🫶 sending u hugs and love 🫂💙 sorry it's taken a bit long to get back to! kind of was getting this feeling myself and have been unable to write, but i think i'm getting back
warnings : reader is overwhelmed, mentions of anxiety, fear of opening up to someone, reader is called pet names (love, baby), reader breaks down
wc : 1.4k
All week there's been a growing pressure in your chest threatening to spill all over the floor and leave you a mess, lying on the ground with nothing else to give. Give, you've given all you can, and now that you're home, you can't do it anymore. You seek peace in the quiet of your shared bedroom, your boyfriend still at work in his studio.
Your boyfriend, who works hard day and night. Your boyfriend, who's loving and caring and sweet. Your boyfriend, who you're scared to open up to when things get really hard, because he doesn't share with you either. Although the relationship isn't fresh, going on a year and a half, there are still things you don't talk about. You don't want to burden him with your struggles when you've always been able to power through by yourself.
Fisting the sheets under you, you can feel the need to cry in your body, the hollow feeling in your chest and the tightness in your throat, but nothing comes. It's like your body knows you're too tired for even that simple of an action, for even one tear to slip. So instead, you sit the the blanket over you, face peeking out to stare at the wall with tired eyes. You can't sleep. If you close your eyes, you know you won't drift off and wake up feeling better, you'll just lie there for hours.
"Baby?"
Something spikes in you when you hear Chans voice ring out through the apartment, curling into yourself more. He shouldn't be home this early and yet, here he is, calling your name and wondering where you are; you're never in bed this early. Chan continues to call out for you until you hear the bedroom door opening quietly.
"Love?" Chans footsteps get closer, and you can feel the edge of the bed dip with his weight as he sits down. "My love..."
His hand brushes over your shoulder, but you can't face him. When you bring the blanket over your head more, he seems to get the hint, shifting to lean against the headboard next to the statue that is your body, unmoving and heavy. You can feel him fiddling beside you, and soon, a soft melody fills your ears. It's enough to distract you temporarily from the raging storm in your head, focusing on the beats, and when Chans voice comes through, it's like you can feel a sense of comfort washing over you. Although it's not enough to completely take these feelings away, you're grateful for what he's doing.
"This song has been giving me trouble," Chan comments over the music, sighing heavily. "I can't figure out if I like the chorus or not, and it feels like it's missing something in general, but I don't know what. What do you think, baby?"
Unable to answer verbally, but still wanting him to know you're listening, you roll around so you're facing him. He chuckles as you bury your face under his thigh when you see he's sitting cross-legged, the pressure on your face oddly comforting. Chan places a hand on your back, his arm resting behind your head as he rubs small circles over your thick layer of blanket. Another song starts playing after a while, another soft one, too. You relax under his touch, feeling the vibrations through his body as he hums along to this one and makes occasional comments about changes he'd like to make.
Exhaustion hits you like a ton of bricks, your eyes fluttering shut as he keep playing different songs and telling you all about them. Both of you are aware that he shouldn't be playing so much unreleased music, but all Chan cares about in this moment is you, helping you, calming you, loving you. The company will never know anyway.
"Chan," You whisper, voice barely audible. His humming stops and he pauses the music, looking down at your limp form with furrowed brows. Moving your head slightly, you're able to look up at him on an angle, the cool air of the bedroom breaching your blanket cocoon.
"What is it, baby?" Chan moves some hair from your face, leaving this palm to rest on your cheek.
"Can you just-" You clear your throat, one hand coming up to play with the hem of his shorts at his knee to calm you more. "Just hold me, tell me you love me?"
Without words, he shifts down to your level and nods. Carefully, Chan guides you to face away from him and brings you close to his body, your back pressed tightly against his chest. His chin rests on your shoulder, now enveloped inside your blanket as he holds onto you tightly, scared that if he let's go, you'll fade away. The thought of you being in so much pain, whether physical or emotional, is something he can't bear; he can't sit on the sidelines and watch you wither away. Neither of you speak as you lie there for what feels like hours, although it must only be a few minutes. The feeling of Chan's breath on your neck is oddly comforting, your own hands finding his arm around your waist and holding onto him.
Something about the way Chan is holding you, comforting you without the pressure of being asked what's wrong, has you finally breaking down. It starts small, holding back a few tears, but a few escaping despite your efforts. Then Chan shifts closer, pressing soft lips on the skin behind your ear.
"I love you, you know that? So, so much," He whispers, inhaling the scent of your shampoo as he buries his face into your hair. "You're doing amazing, baby, and I mean that. I thought... I thought something might have been wrong, but I didn't know how to go about this. I'm sorry it got to this point, I should have asked. I want you to know you can always turn to me, okay?"
His words have the dam breaking and soon enough, the sobs ripping from your chest have you gasping and hiccupping like there's no tomorrow. You don't register the way Chan tries to soothe you as he pulls you around and into his chest. Subconsciously, you wrap your arms around his shoulders and roll his body onto yours, his head sitting in the crook of your neck. The weight feels nice, grounding, and you can finally hear Chan speaking again.
"Shhh, it's okay, you're okay." Chan whispers into the skin of your neck, one of his hands smoothing back your hair. "You're okay, I'm here, now breathe, alright? Breathe, baby."
He inhales deeply, and you do your best to mimic his movements. It's shaky, but you're doing it.
"Good job, you're doing great," Chan keeps his voice low as he speaks. "Keep breathing."
It gets to the point where you don't need to think about breathing anymore, your head throbbing slightly from the sudden outburst of emotion. Chan's body stays on yours, but he props himself up enough to look at you, his palm on your cheek and his thumb wiping away any remaining tears. You can barely look him in the eye.
All he does is stare at you with those pretty, dark eyes, but you realize there's a dampness under them matching yours. You open your mouth to question it, but he shakes his head, a soft smile on his face.
"I don't want you to be in pain alone ever again." His thumb continues to caress your cheek, even though the tears have dried. "I love you too much to let you go through that. Whatever's going on, tell me when you're ready, yeah? For now, just let me gush about my beautiful partner until they're feeling better."
You can't help the small laugh that escapes you as Chan surges up to pepper your face in kisses, saying praises in between each one. With every kiss, you can feel your face heating up until you try and cover it, but he just grabs your wrists and pulls your hands away. Eventually, he slows down, pressing one last kiss directly on your lips, and settles back onto you.
"Let's stay like this for a while," Chan suggests, knowing you need it, but so does he. "My favourite place is in your arms."
-
─── taglist : @chaeryred @toplinelix @channie-143 @staysinbloom
#ᯓ★ REQUESTS#ᯓ★ request : anon#bang chan#skz#stray kids#bang chan x reader#skz x reader#stray kids x reader#bang chan fluff#bang chan angst#?#bang chan comfort#skz fluff#stray kids fluff#skz imagines#skz scenarios#stray kids imagines#bang chan imagines#stray kids scenarios#bang chan scenarios#hiding in the tags to say posting has been making me real nervous lately 😋#but lets goooo
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