#this was quite the ramble apologies im so adhd

[mallardgryph]

OK! I was originally just going to write a comment on this, and overall, I want to avoid posting things that are about “drama”.

But it ties into some wider things about queer rep I have to get off my chest so, let’s go! Mallard’s big post time. Let’s start by hard agreeing with these prev tags:

ALL OF THIS! I think one of the reasons Helluva hit me like a tonne of bricks because it SEES us weirdo wonky, messy queers who didn’t go through the perfect, unproblematic trajectory of a Model Queer and says... It’s ok... i getchu.

I am one of those that grew up having a real hard time attaching myself to the larger queer community because I was raised super conservative, in a really snooty upper-class adjacent environment. The snooty private school i went to had an unofficial policy of quietly removing any openly queer students, lest it marked their reputation. I grew up angry, bottled up, full of internalised homophobia. (I see u stolas i really do) As a result, ended up going down the whole channer / edgelord rabbithole when I got to college. I “was not like other gays”. My brain was filled with all the tory brainrot I was raised with, battling against my tru self. My saving grace really was getting involved with the furry community, meeting other nerdy queer ppl who gradually managed to bash that bullshit out my head. It took a long time, let me tell you. It was not a linear process. But I found family, healed, grew, found peace with myself. (mostly!)

Helluva speaks to me so much coz it depicts characters that are hella queer, but at odds with it in some way or another. They’re not exactly the best people, and have a lot of growing, self reflection and angst 2 do. And i’m like... bestie that was me when I was 22. It’s still kinda me now. I have been blitz, i have been stolas, I totally get it!! As a sidenote, it seems like at least some of the creators of the show also come from this trajectory. Brandon Rogers went from saying “Nothing I make is remotely political / I don’t care who I offend” in 2018 to posting photos from BLM rallies in 2020. According to interviews, he simillarly had a similar small town / conservative background. I totally get why people would find him problematic due to his old sketches / things he’s said in the past, but I get it because... I was not that different, I just didn’t have a platform 10 years ago. (or now lmao) Some of us are just never exposed to a better culture til we’re older. But seeing ppl who did kind of have that background, may not have been perfect in their younger years tell a beautiful and fucking hillarious story about it all is super heartwarming 2 me and comforts the hell outta my inner teenager. If queer rep can only be perfect souls who get to come out on time, have all their peers accept them and generally be a shining example of goodness... that sucks for those of us who didn’t get to have that story. As much as it’s fun and comforting to see in shows like The Owl House - we deserve shows 4 grown ups where the gays get to be Messy, Thank u for coming to my TED talk

how on earth do i stop the urge to somehow hammer into 'helluva critical' peoples heads that hb and hh is not representation for you its representation for me

[koexchange]

I don’t know what I’d request exactly but I would die just to have one (1) date with Elaine but I fear my ADHD cursed ass would have far to much energy for her. (Also as a transmasc creature I’m so happy you write for any gender, I hope your charger never breaks)

a/n: AWWW YOURE SO SWEET i also have adhd and I HOPE YOUR CHARGER NEVER BREAKS EITHERR!! uhh im assuming u wanted adhd and transmasc reader x elaine SO here it is :333 its their first date and they met onnnnntinder

cw: slight mention of binding

word count: 769

(Transmasc!Adhd!)Reader x Elaine!

Wow, this cafe is insanely boring.

Seated across from you, Elaine, your Tinder date, stirs and stares into her black coffee, wondering what convinced her to swipe right on you.

Perhaps it was the corgi in sunglasses you were hugging. Is it your pet?

Or your strange bio? What is 'adhd'?

Or the meticulous placement of your photos? Why was your abnormally large figurine collection before the well-lit selfie?

Or maybe it was just you. All of you.

"Hellooooo?" You wave your hand in front of her face, startling her.

Bless her broken heart, her automatic response is to grab your hand, firmly, and jump back. For protection. So she does.

Your face scares her more than the orphanage. You look like you've just seen a ghost.

Quickly, "Oh- sorry", she apologizes and lets go.

"Don't worry!" You smile warmly at her.

You rather miss the feeling of her gloves on your hands. It is with reluctance that you return your hands to your lap.

Your binder is making you itchy.

"So. How is- I read your..." Your mind is running a marathon a minute as you try to focus on her voice.

"The thing about 'add-huh-duh'?" Wow. She thinks the condition is just one odd word.

"How long have you been learning that language?"

Oh even better. She thinks you're bilingual.

Elaine seems like the type to get offended by laughter, so you try to stifle yours.

"It isn't- Adhd is a disorder I have. Don't worry it isn't contagious." Is your favorite show on tonight?

"Oh. Okay." Elaine is a bit disappointed in herself, she has OCD but knows nothing of other disabilities.

At this point, you believe that any spark between you two has fizzed out for good.

You wonder if faking a family emergency would be too rude.

You could really go for seafood.

In an attempt to speed this up salvage the date, you ask if Elaine has ever heard of your hyperfixation.

When she says that she hasn't, you just can't help the words that fall from your mouth.

You ramble on and on about the media, for what seems like years.

You really can't find the compassion to care about how uninterested she looks.

Maybe because you're too concentrated on how beautiful she looks.

Or, maybe it's because her face hasn't changed since she sat down. Talk about are-bee-eff.

As you finish droning on, Elaine finishes her coffee. Her mouth is moving, but you can't quite pick up her words. A small part of you, in the back of your mind, wonders what she would taste li-

"Like or hate it, the Shadow Decree knows what it wants." Her lithe hand moves her hair out of her eyes.

Oh. When did this conversation start?

She's staring right at you. Straight-faced. Expecting a response.

You've never felt so lost.

Other than twenty minutes ago. The time you were literally lost. Who puts a cafe next to a gym?

"Yeah uh. They have goals! For sure!" You shout, way too excitedly to be talking about a crime organization. The smile you forced onto your mouth hurts.

You wonder what hers would feel like.

It's nearly inaudible, her sigh.

Did you do something wrong?

"If I called you later, would you answer the phone?" She asks without shame, standing up.

Guess not.

"Oh! I thought you hated me...?" You don't hide your laugh as you struggle to grab your things.

Elaine laughs with you. You stand with Elaine.

And hallelujah, she can smile. You drink up her expression, and it's better than your tea was.

"I apologize if I came off that way. I am very interested in you." She saunters over to the exit, with you close behind. Looking like an obedient dog.

"Oh!" You truly look like an idiot with your mouth agape in shock. It snaps shut with a click, taking way longer than it should.

"Of course I would! I'd have to be out of mind not to!"

Elaine's expression softens, marginally.

Elaine finds your expressions cute.

She would never say that out loud though.

The faint blush rising on her cheeks might give you a little hint.

Crazy how fast you went from debating running out of the shop to asking her to stay longer.

Once you get yourself together, she wraps her arm around yours and steps outside with you. You lean in close to her.

You get a glimpse of her teeth this time, her grin feels comfortable on her face. Real. "Want to show me around?"

She read your mind.

You've never been so centered on someone before.

a/n: HOWD I WRITE SEVEN HUFNRE WORDS IN ONE SITTING uhh im so sorry if this isnt what you wanted anon im a little dumb but uhhhhh i hope you enjoyed! thanks for reading! <3333

[a-random-weeb]

Okay this is the first time ive ever done smth like this so pls spare me 😭🙏

Name: Chione, but Es as a nickname

Height: 5'6

Eye colour: Brown

Hair color: Blue & Black

Personality: I'm not necessarily shy, just really quite, like I never speak unless spoken to. Once I do start talking though I can hold a conversation pretty well (in my humble opinion) I have a dry sense of humor i think ,,,, I also say i love you to people i just met bcs why not i just like saying it... Im sorry i have no idea how to describe my personality 😭

(i also apologize every other sentence)

Hobbies: I really enjoy researching things like forensics, philosophy & psychology, I like to read about said topics, like all of my books consist of something that has to do with atleast one of those things. I also do martial arts, I ride a motorcycle and I'm obsessed with chess & poker (im a big nerd)

Other things: I'm Russian and my mother language is russian but I also know english (duh) and french ^^ I have DPDR and adhd and im also anemic (can u guess who i kin)

I would like to be shipped with either atsushi or sigma (whichever is easier for you to write <3) and would like just general relationship headcannons !!

If you don't do my request thats okay, I just hope you have a good day<33 love u mwah

- ♟️

Thanks for the request, and don't worry, you did good while writing this, it's easy to understand, thank you :) I don't know sigma well enough, all I know is the joke Sigma balls

Also, I would've never guessed you speak English, are you good at it?/j

Also, I don't think you're a nerd, chess, poker, and motorcycles are cool, I can't do any of those things. Not to mention you have blue and black hair, that's fucking epic

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

•I know for a fact you to will walk up to eachother and make the most awkward eye contact

•Other people will think you two have some weird, psychic ability, but really it's just Atsushi not knowing what to say and you not speaking unless spoken to

•When the conversation starts, you to can hold it pretty well

•You two apologize to eachother, and then apologize for apologizing, then apologize for apologizing after you apologized, then more apologizing

•I have never typed the word 'apologize' more in my life

•He loves to ride on your motorcycle

•Motorcycle dates are one of his favorite dates

•He definitely plays chess and poker with you

•He always loses at poker, and it's a 50/50 chance he'll win at chess

•He gets you to teach him English and French

•He loves it if you ramble about psychology or philosophy

•He loves that you can do martial arts, you two definitely have mini brawls

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Désolée, c'est plus petit. Je ne parle pas français très bien 😭

[catmiration]

if it never happens, don't stress!! it's easier said than done obviously, but one thing to keep in mind is that closure isn't always gonna come. then again, you might already have it without knowing it (or you refuse to acknowledge it). either way the fact remains that closure isn't always guaranteed so don't spend too much time looking for it!!

oh no it's def coming I'm just impatient lmao. vent/ramble below and in tags

school starts up next week & I just haven't gotten any sub jobs yet, but once I do I'll be able to see if things with a few coworkers turned friends are the same as before summer or if they've changed! mainly, are we friends friends or just simply people who get along at work. because i'm awful at reading cues and miss so many things or confuse them.

like, my brain doesn't want to accept that people don't have to be in constant communication to be friends and wanted/appreciated in each other's lives, ykwim? at least, irl friends. one of my friends ashley hung out with me so much before june and then just like,, dropped off the face of the earth, and i'll be carpooling with her when i start subbing again if she's still ok with it. but that all hinges on if I am a friend friend (where it's "ok" for me to ask that of her) or if I'm just someone she tolerates and enjoyed temporarily and i'm inevitably using her for the free ride

see. lots of overthinking, which will all be settled if i just see the people i want to keep in my life face to face!

[sleepy-dreamers-inc]

Being Exiled with Tommy Headcannons!|| 🥀

irl/ in-game

Genre| angst + comfort

h e a d c a n n o n s||

Sypnosis|

Both you and Tommy ended up getting exiled together.

Artist| OliverSonder on twitter!!

Warnings] mentions of manipulation, character death, spoilers for Tommy’s Exile Arc and the Season 2 finale!!

[can be seen as both platonic or romantic!!]

||gender neutral reader!!||

(also this was not grammar checked and im to lazy to watch through hours of footage so if anything in here is wrong blame it on the DSMP Wiki OKAY LETS GO-)

So i think its pretty established that if you end up getting exiled with Tommy your one of two things.

- Really sweet and loyal friend that will stick up for in-justice and be there when someone needs you the most

Or

- A total fucking gremlin that will steal your kneecaps and toes and eat your shower curtains in the middle of the night.

There is no inbetween here you guys.

I did end up going for Reader A, though. But you guys tell me if you want headcannons for a gremlin!reader because i will gladly do that!!

But anyways just... enjoy exile!

Exile|

- It was about his third day in exile when Y/N appeared through the nether portal, bags, pouches, tools, armor, etc. on their person. Tommy thought they either were here to beat him up or got exiled themselves.

- Tommy was pleasantly surprised when he learned that Y/N was actually there on their own accord, helping him through exile and being his shoulder to lean on. The first few days we’re rough, fighting back mobs in the night and farming crops all day. His clothes we’re starting to get dirty and torn by the time Y/N got there.

- Y/N ended up making a little bunker about 30 blocks from where they’re tent was, where they hid all theirs and Tommy’s valuables, such as armor, diamonds & iron, and rations. Although Y/N never gave into Dream and gave him they’re stuff, Y/N simply refused, they wouldn’t be giving in that easily.

- Most of they’re days are spent in caves mining away, chatting and fighting off Creeper’s as they tried to keep the moral high, always keeping Tommy company. Y/N never let him go anywhere alone, they we’re always with him, like his own bodyguard of sorts.

- One time they both find a Mineshaft though and got lost, they ended up at the surface two dayd later with torn clothes, cuts and bruises and we’re in bad shape. Thankfully Y/N had a brewing stand at they’re camp though, so Healing Potions we’re semi-easy to make/get.

- After the duo end up going to the artic though... things got... weird.

- Techno was not expecting to open his door to find the heathen Tommy and sweetheart Y/N at his doorstep shivering and begging to come inside, bags thrown on they’re shoulders as they teeth chattered from the cold wind and snow.

- Whenever Dream comes to visit Y/N always has to hide with Tommy, reassuring him that its okay and they’ll always be there for him, and protect him at any cost, which he highly appreciates.

- The ‘gapple-eating’ thing Tommy did was a cute, yet depressing thing. Seeing him hasitly munching on golden-coated apples was funny and caused giggles, but the meaning behind it always left Y/N with a lump in their throat and a hole in their heart.

- Whenever Tommy is in danger and calls for Dream, Y/N always has to stop him and bring him back to reality, making Tommy realize Dream isnt his friend, and never was. Many nights have happened where the two talk about Tommy’s feelings with Dream, not only for Tommy to vent and let everything out, but also for Y/N to understand whats going on in his head.

- When going into the Nether Tommy always grips Y/N’s hand, as his fear of lava and heights consumes him whole in that firey dimension.

- When Tommy gets up close to Dream in the cabin? Y/N is scared spineless, if people could see them, they’d see the palest, most terrified and worried being on earth.

- Y/N having a heart attack when Ghostbur slips up

- Ghostbur is just a whole thing and just. Y/N needs a break, okay?

- Y/N begrudgingly helping Tommy build his cobblestone tower outside of Techno’s cabin.

- Y/N apologizing soon after to Techno only for him to laugh and ruffle Y/N’s hair, saying he knows how Tommy can get anyone to any situation.

- Very rarely does Y/N ever leave Tommy’s side, when they do its usually to get supplies or visit they’re friends. So when Y/N was walking back to the Nether portal to see Tommy, Techno and Dream all standing there, looking like they’re about to slit the others throat, well...

- Nobody has ever seen Y/N drop kick a person so fast.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Y/N yelled, they’re sword at Dream’s neck, as he laid on his back, his mask covering his shocked expression.

“Answer. Me.” Y/N gritted through their teeth, pushing their swordfurther against the masked mans throat. Techno soon chimed in, reassuring Y/N that nothing to terrible happened.

“It’s fine, Y/N. He didn’t do anything, why not we head back home? Wouldn’t want that homeless man to be to scared spineless, eh?” Techno said, hand on they’re shoulder as he looked Y/N in the eyes.

The 3 walked back to the Nether portal, purple mist engulfing Tommy and Techno as Y/N stood in front of the portal. Back turned towards Dream, Y/N shifted they’re head and glared at Dream with eyes that could kill.

“Don’t do anything you might regret, you megalomaniac.”

- When Tommy and Tubbo decide to go fight Dream, Y/N is both excited and scared. They hope Dream will finally be taken down, but they dont want Tommy (& Tubbo) to be taken down as well.

- So like any amazing best friend, Y/N brews up a bunch of potions of Strength, Healing + Regen, Invisibility and more. Even if Tommy thought he was going to be walking out of there alone, he wasn’t going to be. Y/N would make sure.

- Y/N watched from afar as Tommy got his disc out of the jukebox, laughing in success. All Y/N did was clap quietly, making sure they’re Invisibility didn’t wear off. They we’re making sure Tommy stayed safe, even if he didn’t realize it. Y/N loved him with they’re whole heart, and everyone knew that.

- At Dreams secret base, Y/N was just getting there as Tommy took Dreams first canon life.

“Tommy. Stop. Dont do anything you might regret.” Dream snarled, looking at the teenage boy, his blue eyes dull, yet full of passion and vigor.

All Tommy did was pursue forward, as everyone waited for what was to come. Tommy took one step to close though, because Dream had decided that he had enough.

Dream brought his arm into the air, hand curled into a fist, he was about to hurl his hand into Tommy’s face when Dream suddenly fell to the ground, arrow in his forehead.

Dream was shot by Y/N

Y/N stood there, enchanted bow in hand, infront of the nether portal that swirled with an eerie purple mist. Y/N lowered their bow, staring at the man who tortured Tommy for weeks now. Y/N simply stepped forward and towered over Dreams corpse before it disappeared in thin air.

Lets just say Dream wouldn’t be hurting the blonde heathen anytime soon.

a/n: howdy everyone how we doing? Decided to do Tommy x Reader for this post, although i am MAJORLY simping for Wilbur atm and i have brainrot so that’ll most likely be the next post (if i dont do a pt. 2 for this one but even so WILBUR).

Anyways i hope i did racooninnit justice, i have no idea how to do headcannons since half the time i ramble (its the adhd) so this was new for me. Definitely not my strong suit but like you live ya learn. Also, sorry if i left out quite a lot, i might make a fic about this and include more events, but this is really long for headcannons (because of my layout) so i didn’t include to much. I dont want people scrolling for like 20 seconds to go to another post (i write on mobile so undercut is not a thing for me RIP)

Anyways have a lovely day and dont let Tommy eat all your gapples!!

[asterekmess]

Heyo! So I’ve been in the sterek fandom for quite some time now and I’ve been wondering about how you would describe stiles’ personality?

I’ve never actually sat down and watched a full episode of teen wolf (and honestly I’m not sure if I ever will considering everything I’ve heard about how they treat derek and his history but idk who knows I’m very curious in a lot of the plot lines and character development), and a lot of the stuff I know about the show I’ve scraped from fics, gifs, and meta posts

For me personally, Stiles’ personality and characterization is so fluid and nuanced that sometimes I have trouble pinning him down (tho derek doesn’t have trouble with that *wink wink*) So I would love to hear your thoughts! Sorry for the long ask, this grew legs and an ugly mug shdhdhhdjdcj anyhow have a great day :D

Well, everybody's got different perspectives and opinions on Stiles' personality, honestly. Even when you try to stick to 'canon' things, there's a lot of room for interpretation on the why when he does things, or what it says about him as a person, etc etc etc.

Personally, I see canon Stiles as kind of an asshole. I mean, I love him, and he does some incredible things, and he's clearly got an intense love for those close to him. But I do make him kinder in fics, or I at least make him regret being a dick.

In canon, we're given a Stiles who cracks 'dead baby' jokes (he's talking about human sacrifice, so the conversation was already plenty morbid. This wasn't out of the blue.) Who begs for Scott to let Jackson die (though it's made clear that this wasn't serious, and he later works to save Jackson's hide like ten times over), and who will mercilessly poke and prod at people's insecurities or painful pasts, especially when worked up. Isaac's previous abuse isn't a no-go topic. Derek having 'dated' (read: been assaulted at worst and at best, been lied to) serial killers isn't something he's going to tread lightly around. He doesn't try to soften things to save someone's feelings most of the time.

He's presented as someone who is incredibly impulsive, with his emotions, words, and actions. It's kind of implied this is because of his ADHD, but that doesn't explain how often the impulsively cruel or harsh things he says aren't retracted or apologized for, or just generally regretted. Yes, ADHD people are impulsive, and yes sometimes our mouths get away from us and we can end up saying some Fucked Up shit to people because we literally couldn't control the words coming out. But that doesn't mean we're cruel or evil or mean. We still feel bad for doing those things, and those of us who are decent people, try to fix or repair what we've messed up. I am...not a fan of how often ADHD is used as an excuse to make a character a dickhead because "he has no filter." No filter means we struggle to control our thoughts and what we say, it doesn't make us heartless.

So, when I'm writing him, I fix it. Even if he still Does something fucked up, I have him care that he did it. I have him realize what he did or said wasn't okay and respond to that knowledge in some way. Which to some people, means I'm just ignoring what a fucker he is, but imo it feels like a horrible fuckup on the creator's parts, so I'm just correcting the mistake. He's no less Stiles just bc I taught him to say sorry.

Anyway. I'm trying NOT to ramble here.

To answer your question, as best I can; Stiles is sarcastic. Stiles is passionate to a fault. His emotions are BIG, whatever they are. Good, Bad, or even apathy. Whatever feelings he has are just intense. He is very much a no gods, no kings, no masters, kind of man. There isn't really an 'authority' to him, except maybe his dad sometimes. He puts family, and those he considers family, First. But that doesn't mean he isn't selfless. Because he is. Incredibly so. Uncomfortably so.

He walks into gasoline for his friends. He puts himself in the position of losing the only parent he has left, for his classmates. He cares enough about strangers to insist a drunk girl he's spoken to for five minutes max stay hydrated and give her a bottle of water. He literally handed over his mind on a platter to a fox demon for someone he barely fucking knew, to keep her safe.

Loyal. Humorous. A fighter. Family-oriented. Clever. Passionate. Strong, physically, mentally, and emotionally. And a very good liar, in my opinion.

He doesn't lie very well in the show, not to people's faces. He'll stumble around a "I haven't seen him since the last time I saw him" or "are you asking me to tell you what I would have told you if I were going to tell you it?" but at the same time, he can repress and hide away his feelings and his pain in a way not even Derek manages.

He asked Caitlin questions about her girlfriend, and worked to solve the human sacrifices, literal minutes after finding out he'd just lost his oldest friend. He drove Lydia to the warehouse to save Jackson after having the shit beat out of him by a man who'd been learning to cause pain since he was a CHILD. And he never gives away how incredibly broken he is for more than a couple seconds. and it's a little frightening, because he convinces people in this show who are lie detectors that he's okay, when he's a fucking mess. Even Derek shows his pain.

You're right that he's nuanced, and part of that is because when you see him in meta or in fic, what you're seeing is a dozen versions of him sort of compressed into a flat image. Because he changes throughout the show, and while some of his core personality stays the same, a lot of stuff changes. So one fic might harp on his insensitivity, and callousness toward Isaac or how easily he says "just let them die" when talking about Derek or someone else. And then another will dive into how fucking far he's willing to go, travelling all the way to mexico and facing down a hunter clan a dozen times more powerful than the argents with no one but a banshee at his side, just to get Derek back. Or how he saw Malia hurting and sat with her on a couch and held her hand. One is a much earlier version of Stiles, from the start of the show, the other from his midpoint. Near the end, you're able to say that he was so torn about leaving Derek while he was dying, he had to be Begged to go save Scott. That he manipulated an ENTIRE FBI investigation in order to save and protect Derek. (im focusing on derek bc sterek, but also bc his relationship with Derek is the Biggest Arc he has in the show, and the most solid)

You're going to read about different versions of him, and I totally get how that's confusing.

We all sort of bleed ourselves into him and either bring certain canon characteristics to the forefront, or straight up add our own so he's more relatable to us.

So while I can't really help you pin down any specific Stiles, just know that there's not really a 'true' Stiles that anyone can confirm or deny. It's all just perception, so however you see him, go with it. Strengthen it. Explore it. I'm sure you'll find people who see what you do.

[lady-writes]

So I was reading fic, as one does, when I had a characterization idea, as one does, that dropped me into a wiki hole, naturally. So now I have meta, tentatively titled:

Or How to fuck up a team

Bear with me here, Everything that happens in The Old Guard can be blamed on the Church of England and a critical lack of Respecting Women Juice.

I would “In this essay, I will,” But that would be an insult to essays. What follows is a ADHD ramble that keeps pinballing into even higher scoring holes in my head. I apologize.

Looking at most teams in media you have tropes and those tropes kinda make up the way we read characters. This isn't a bad thing, I’m not saying anything new here; much like DND alignments tropes kinda help you build characters, and figure out paths that they should take. 

So The Old Guard, I fucking love this movie, the comics are an imperfect delight, All of it is living rent free in my head for the foreseeable future. Love is stored in The found Family Trope! I’m writing fanfiction for the first time in a fucking Decade and I Hate It! Which is fitting because its Book of Nile and that’s in the Manifesto!!! I’ve been ruminating on why Not Enough People Love Nile Freeman apart from the obvious (misogynoir) and myself struggling with my my brain cant get over the sad french rat man WHen! NILE! IS! RIGHT! THERE! I will come back to this point.~

SO Tropes, for groups tropes exist two, dynamic duos, golden trios, etc. And the Old Guard was fucking with me because the tropes kept falling like one or two hairs off. For the purposes of this I am ignoring Lykon***, because I need to sleep at some point tonight and I cant characterize him the best based on 15 seconds of screentime. 

The big group tropes that suit the canon here are: The Five Man Band, The Command Crew, Damage-Healer-Tank and its variants, The Four Temperament and the Four Philosophy Ensembles. They’re all linked and none of them are perfect but together they do the damn job.

(sweet jesus im making graphics quarantine is a bitch i need my fuckin job back)

The Guard at its Largest and Earliest is a quartet. Andromache, Quynh, Joe, Nicolo. They Work: a head, a heart, and two arms, which is more or less my conception of the Guard. The problem comes when the Church of mother fucking England comes along and tells a bunch a folks that the weird lady on the edge of town isn't touched in the head nah she's a whole ass witch, we’re gonna kill her. That's Just Not On, enter our dudes. 

The other point about the guard here is that when split they form pretty solid and clean head and heart couples, which wouldn’t you know the mix-match of those seem quite well liked by the fandom at large. Anyways CoE is shitty and removes Quynh from our team and this is where everything goes to fuck.

Basically, as soon as Andy loses her second/emotional support everything falls out of alignment and the team isn't self sustaining anymore so to speak

The team loses its proverbial heart yes, but that shouldn't be insurmountable, in all of the various group trope set ups heart (The Chick, The Medic, The Optimist, Choleric, center column for RPG) is never really the top of the list, usually second some times further down. The key is that everyone of these has something/someone at the center, a fulcrum or balance. That should be Andromache, the oldest, most objective and experienced  etc etc. But unlike less human hero’s Andromache kinda goes to shit, which is what makes her a fun character to watch, she's struggling that’s relatable, we all know how it works.

But She falls out of the leader position in all the emotional ways, from what we see, and in just about all configurations, she falls into the least stable trope. The only one where she doesn’t is The Command Crew, which of course that grouping is all about Function and obviously Andromache the Scythian has all her function based cylinders firing. Possibly too much even, at the start of the film the team is regrouping after a break, they needed R&R, the work was getting to heavy. And we see Andy’s fatigue repeatedly in the film but she’s the Captain, She Goes First. Injury and exhaustion don’t matter, because she has to function and there’s no one in the second position to take that burden off of her.

By my estimation the Guard is working in this sorta configs for the majority of the movie

(im on a roll and I’ve accepted my fate)

Where I doubled thing up the “natural position” is first and the Post Quynh position follows

So now things are outta whack and Booker comes along. Now pls understand the this is Not Making excuses for, or Woobifying. Booker failed to communicate and chose to treat his team/family as collateral.* This entire motherfucking thesis essay came about as me trying to figure out why Booker fits into the team so awkwardly and Lo! So anywhere from 150-60 years after Quynh is sunk, The team dreams of a new dude. The fandom has made a lot of the fact that Booker was a conscript not a fighter of his own will. And depending on Quynh’s origns he may be alone in that. So a dude who was stuck in a war he didnt choose finds out hes immortal while hanging from a noose in the ass end of Russia. Not a good day. 

We know when the team finds him he insists on going back to his family, beyond all counseling then within 50 years give or take he’s back and he’s the New Guy, The New guy is always gonna be 2 things, full of shiny new skills and with not a clue how things work . That character become a bit of dead weight that needs carrying but also a resource in all the places they have new information. And here’s the second really unfortunate thing. Altogether TOG fandom knows 3 overarching things about Booker: He loved his family to the point of despair; he’s cares about his family’s opinions, wellbeing, and happiness; he’s lonely alcoholic, and depressed as fuck. As torn up as he stays about his family (nearly crying in a cave talking to Nile more than a century later!) its a fair assumption that he would throw him self into the team when he returned. 

I am not going to assume from the outset that the dude who sat at his son’s bedside and tried to be a good Father after he literally died, jumped headfirst into the bottle at the first chance (also the makeup doesn’t support it and the makeup dept. did a fair amount of the work of making booker look like an alcoholic) My guess is his first move after grieving was the distract himself with the team, learning and teaching in kind. They don’t have the relationship that Joe Nicky and Andy are so upset about him destroying outta know where. Booker probably wanted to make himself as useful as possible and knowing about Quynh he knew that his presence was the thing that made them a foursome again.

In short, Booker picked up every single fucking role he saw empty and tried to fill it because it would distract him from his pain (it didn’t that’s what talking/therapy is for but oops 1812) and because it made him needed and useful again. The guy’s quintessential character trait is grieving Father. He was determined to provide for his first family, which is how he ended up in the army anyways and it stands to reason that he would do the same for the Guard. It’s no mistake that the thing that hooks him on his suicide attempt is the idea of saving other people from pain/grief.

So this guy is putting all his familial angst on the team (silently) and picking up what’s needed, Like finding jobs, a task that probably used to be Joe’s, staying up on current tech, forging, fighting. And eventually drinking when its not enough to deal. So the teams proverbial squishy wizard (the only who had no formal fight training before he died) is pulling double duty, which isn’t a problem unto itself. 

But he becomes Andy’s Partner. Joe and Nicky are a pair she clearly doesn’t begrudge them that. She and Book are the spares, on and off the job. I’m sure the idea of a 70 year old immortal trying to comfort a 6000 year old immortal on losing her  wife sounded ridiculous to him too, so he empathize and followed her lead(new kid) And Andy, fairly given both loss and the relative span of time for her, Is still out of alignment, She’s not necessarily acting as a leader, though I’m sure by this point Booker clearly regarded her as one. But instead of moving past the tragedies of his mortal life Booker is still living with that grief (it was all the two of them had as he said)

This is not a good look. Andy lacks emotional support and the team props her up where they can but none of them have anything close to the literal scale of experience she’s working with. Yusuf and Nicolo pick up slack in certain places, but have each other to retreat into and importantly an Idea of the Before times. They know exactly which niches to fill or leave empty. Booker lacks emotional support (his fault), is floundering at how to deal with/fit into the team (everyone’s fault) and most likely trying to overcompensate for feeling out of place by doing As Much As He Can (not a bug but a feature)

ENTER NILE FREEMAN: THE PERSON WHO MADE IT ALL MAKE SENSE

(YA’LL THOUGHT I WAS DONE????)

Bookers exile is reflected here and the Grey roles in Niles chart  represent the places where his absence affects her entry to the team

As soon as I came back to Nile It made sense, Bookers ungodly block of meta and analysis of how this sad white boy got broke is a direct result of the moment I realized how much Emotional Labor and Weight just got dropped on Nile’s sweet 26 year old shoulders. Because the facts are:

Andy is just now in the year of No Lords 2020 pulling her head out of the 500 year funk that she and then she and Booker wallowed in. For 500 years the team functioned around her warped heart. For me this is not a Fault of Andy, its quite squarely on the Goddamned Shitshow of the Medieval Church of England.

Because to be quite frank, a 6700 year old woman is allowed 500 years to mourn her 2500 year old relationship. Looking at those numbers Andy was doing fine on the getting over it front.

Nile and Booker’s fuck up (and arguably her mortality) woke Andy up to herself again, but had that not happened; Nile’s first century would have been unbearable, The New Kid in a team where now Everyone is emotionally traumatized, you’re picking up the slack of the Heavy they just had to exile.**  Hopefully bringing in Copely removes Navigator from her row, but instead of that she gets the honor of Andy proverbially passing her the torch. 

The Movie makes it clear as do the Comics that Nile is going to be Andy’s Second if not eventually her replacement. Not as a replacement for Quynh though, Nile doesn’t have the temperament for that. Which means that Nile ends up in a different awkward position to Bookers. The hero in training, who doesn’t have a “sidekick” to balance the load with. To be fair Andy was a lone hero for 3000 years, but that was a very VERY different world. Andy literally could not know 1/4 of the scope of the problems that Nile will “inherit.” The scope of the current world would have been like looking out the other side of a black hole to that Andromache

And Nile is no less compassionate than Booker, pragmatism would have said to leave the person, who 1) shot your boss 2)abandoned your team 3) wants to die 4) asked you to leave him there. So that is the terrible horrible no good very bad predicament that Nile Freeman undeservedly finds her self in that leads to having to use her own body to turn Dudley Dursley into a pancake.

~ This is where the point about why the Frenchman when Nile is right there pops back up. The coda puts a close on Nile’s Story to an extent. One way or another Nile in the next 6 months to a year in universe is going to have some amount of the excess weight taken off of her. Quynh’s reappearance in any function makes that inevitable even if it comes from Andy’s Death, because if Andy Dies the table is wiped clean and rearranges itself especially I would imagine if that death comes before Nile even turn 50.

Nile has baggage, Nile has a carry-on and a pair of checked bags and she’s checking in for a first class delta flight. Armed with her headphones of emotional awareness and well being she gonna get through the turbulence of her first lifetime almost certainly

Andromache is promised much of the same. Especially in a world where she and Quynh are afforded the grace of getting to fight and sit and talk and find absolution and resolution for the Literal Worst We’re On A Break/It’s Long Distance of all time.

Yusuf and Nicolo will get over this shit together and fuck off into the sunset, as has been written many mmmmany times.

Booker on the other hand is taking off from Kitty Hawk, in a Wright Brothers replica with 2 moving trucks worth of luggage. He is a flaming human disaster heading for the water. And people fucking love looking at Crash wreckage and flames.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

In a just and perfect world with out the Church of England these fuckers would be a Well Oiled Machine though, like FUUUUUCK

(ONE LAST TIIIIME)

There are some question marks as to where people will fall in a post crisis setting, I’m taking the most optimistic view myself.

Ultimately Booker, should be the universal heart of the team, they just need to let him be Q/Ops because THATS A VALID TEAM POSITION TOO. And then he’s always perfectly positioned to be Nile’s emotional support person as well.

TL: DR 

- Give Nile a Fighter Jet instead of the Axe**** 

- Booker’s grief counselor says house husband would be the best occupation for him, 

- Andy needs Therapy more than Booker but Maybe some day he’ll be equipped to give it, 

- Quyhn should be allowed to ritually destroy the Church of England and drown the Pope because they nearly destroyed her family

Fin.

*In a perfect world based on this meta, Booker would have called everything out and spilled his guts after the Sudan shitshow pushed Andy to call it Quits or most Certainly after dreaming of Nile, but alas, The Plot! 

**Potentially I like to think Nile has the good sense and emotional literacy to say when its to much for her unlike certain french folk

*** Lykon I’m sorry. Your Smile is Radiant and you are clearly Heart/Smart Guy/Sanguine/Optimistic/Tank. YOU SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN TO BE A BOISTEROUS BRUISER. You deserve better and someday perhaps I will write an epic about how this never happened if you had been around

**** I fully accept the headcanon from the glorious ionsquare fic that Nile inherits and wears into battle Bookers Napoleonic sabre. But let my good bitch fly some planes and spaceships too. Its the millennial dream

[kinkymagnus]

thoughts on alec? since this is mainly a magnus blog i guess i'm curious.

kfjlkfgjd thanks for resending sorry tumblr’s a bitch ily

eh i feel like generally i talk mostly about magnus bc Every Other Blog (not literally obviously but like, in general) talks about Only Alec just like…..24/7

so while i like him fine, he’s like, mostly Magnus’s Love Interest on my blog lghjflgkhjfgh but honestly just generally while i do like him i honestly don’t find him that….interesting, individually, i guess? i mean he’s not quite boring, but he’s not a character i really relate to

so the reason i don’t really write alec-centric stuff is like. 1. i just don’t find him as interesting (although i’ve had a few ideas, they’ll likely never be published thanks to…) 2. Spite

aka the alec stans suck. the Alec Stans™ to be clear, the ones who suck, not everyone who likes alec. but like, yeah

anyway let’s not just talk salt and me being petty, despite alec being not my fave i can afford to answer one (1) ask without my entire blog crumbling down and revealing i’ve been an alec stan this whole time without me even knowing it

ok so alec headcanons i guess

1. alec was a chatty kid. not what you’d think, right? but then like, he was taking care of izzy, bc she’s his baby sister and Protective, and jace wasn’t really the type to listen to him. like, ever. alec would suddenly realize jace hadn’t been listening the whole time pretty much every time he tried to have a conversation with him or talk about things he was interested in, even when he listened when jace talked about his latest crush or whatever he was interested in. alec started abruptly going quiet before his sentence was finished, and jace didn’t seem to notice or was just like oh good you’re finally done talking, here’s what i was gonna say. eventually alec gives up. he still talks to izzy but she’s so little it’s a lot slower paced and he usually pays more attention to her than what he wants to say bc Baby Sister. by the time izzy’s old enough to like, properly, hold a conversation (she is also pretty chatty) alec’s already gone a lot quieter. by the time we see him, he basically doesn’t initiate conversation on things he’s interested in that aren’t work-related. he does still sometimes talk to izzy, but it’s hard to get the words out and get everything sounding right, so he gets annoyed with himself. it doesn’t come as easy anymore.

and not to show my magnus stan roots but magnus is kind of similar, albeit way less clear cut, he tends to ramble and talk a lot about his special interests only to shut himself up when he realizes he’s definitely boring whoever he’s talking to (he isn’t, necessarily, but after enough times being told to shut up when you get excited you believe everyone wants you to shut up.) and then he was trying to keep up the whole classy unaffected stylish “def not an adorkable disaster bi nerd, i am dangerous deadly unaffected lothario man who has never even heard of star trek or whatever” facade, and rambling about whatever interested him didn’t really fit that. so he retreated more into himself, too. he did have his friends to talk to, but catarina is so busy and he doesn’t want to bother her and raphael doesn’t want to hear his foolish old dad ramble on, does he, and ragnor–he’d always put up with magnus’s babble, and listened, but magnus felt like he was boring him and then ragnor was–well.

anyway so to united these, then, they met each other. and it takes a while, but they get comfortable with each other. magnus goes on a long ramble about a potion he’s been trying to get just right and then cuts himself off, embarrassed, and apologizes for probably boring alec, and alec’s like what? no, that was really interesting, i was listening, can you explain the thing with the mandrake root? and magnus is like…oh.. (also side note: magnus is incredibly cute when rambling about things he’s interested in, he waves his hands a lot and his eyes are all excited and warm and he’s so lively, and clearly passionate, that it’s engaging and pulls you in. like a really good professor. and sometimes he starts talking about something way above most people’s heads without realizing how Smart he is, but if you ask him to clarify he’s like, totally non-condescending and explains it in creative and understandable way????? sorry im in love with adhd magnus thanks to someone anyway)

and then vice versa, alec slowly feels more comfortable talking about things that interest him, like a book he’s been reading and how it’s so fucking stupid the heroine went for the “blonde bad boy” when he’s such a dick to her, or whatever, like it starts as an angry rant about something but before he can cut himself off he realizes magnus is listening. like, actually listening. and like, if it’s appropriate, magnus will ask questions, engage in what alec’s talking about, and alec finds himself getting better at putting to words what he means and magnus is never mean about it, always patient and understanding

2. as a kid alec read romance novels. cheesy shitty fun romance novels. especially the ones that are like, written by women (or better, queer people, but that’s later) and aren’t weird? you know what i mean? and he loved them. romance was something young alec dreamed of a lot, even if he tried to ignore how he preferred tall, dark, and handsome to the main character, or the kind man the heroine fell in love with to the heroine herself. he hid trashy romance novels like most teen boys his age (including jace) hid porn magazines or whatever. he eventually maybe found some queer lit, but he didn’t dare to bring those back to the institute, instead choosing to go to the library the few times he had free time to sneak out (aka when he wasn’t working, sleeping, training, or watching izzy and jaces’ backs when they snuck out to clubs and shit.

also: 3. also i stand by the fact that alec wasn’t in denial about being gay. he wasn’t repressed, he knew exactly what he wanted and who he was, he just didn’t think it was possible for him to be with a man and be happy. 

4. alec isn’t a sweet innocent baby boy!!!! he’s seen porn, he knows how sex works, he’s masturbated, and honestly i know the show said otherwise but i find it hard to believe he never once fooled around even a little bit. just a little bit. no actual dating? not hard to believe at all. even being a “virgin” despite how outdated and terrible the concept is, not unbelievable. plenty of “normal” people reach college-age without ever having had sex, let alone shadowhunters raised to be demon-fighting soldiers. but like. look. he has the Energy. alec….Alec Fucks. also just something about the whole like, his siblings are always sneaking off to clubs and he follows them to watch their backs (is this canon or just common fanon? i honestly don’t remember) just screams to me hey, he may or may not have made out with an adventurous seelie or a mundane with eyes. or maybe a blowjob or a handjob, who knows. i’m JUST SAYING. i know this isn’t canon but i don’t care. alec lightwood has seen a dick

5. alec is ridiculously protective of people he loves. especially family (both in the sense of literal family like izzy, and family in the sense of “making your own family” like magnus) like he’d kill for them, he’d die for them, he’d live forever for them,

6. alec can and will become immortal for magnus. and not just literally only for magnus, for himself as well–like he doesn’t have to spend the rest of his life being a tool for the clave, he can work for better relations between downworlders and shadowhunters, and like accords that aren’t shitty, and he can be more than just another soldier or even head of the institute, he can be more and have time to actually spend time on himself, like it doesn’t have to be training-work-protect his siblings-sleep-training, and then one day he gets married and has kids and dies. he can actually experience the world, do things he enjoys, spend time with his husband, and most of all, he can spend the rest of his life with magnus bane, the love of his life, his husband, someone he loves so much. he can make sure magnus’s heart doesn’t get broken again by falling in love only to lose him. they get their happy ending, you know???? we stan

7. alec would be a great dad i dont know what to tell you he just would be 

8. one of the first kinks alec realized he really had like. with magnus. was office sex. yes im a slut what about it

this is bc he was minding his own business, doing paperwork at his desk, and magnus maybe sent a flirty text and alec was like mm i want to fuck him right now. and then he was staring at his desk thinking mm i want to bend him over this desk, sweep all this paper off the desk and rip off his clothes, take off his panties last and then lick his pussy until he’s begging for me to fuck him then press his chest down against the desk and fuck him until he screams. maybe i could tie his wrists behind his back with a tie. like i’m his boss? oh my god magnus in a secretary outfit. shit. he gets no work done that day. it’s just a rabbit hole of one thought to another until he’s like. sitting there hard and unable to focus on his work bc the mental image of magnus bent over in a skirt over his desk keeps playing his mind and he doesn’t want to do this paperwork he’d much rather be doing his husband.

9. alec loves making out with magnus on the couch like they’re just chilling and watching a movie and cuddling and alec loves to pull magnus into his arms and just make out. like literally not even “this ends in sex and gets hot and heavy” literally just magnus in his arms. and they kiss a lot. it’s soft and warm and relaxing tbh

10. magnus!!! and alec!!! cuddling!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! they both love it!!!!!! they’re both lowkey touch-starved!!!!!!

11. alec’s a dom top and that’s that my dudes

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[bigskydreaming]

fhalkfhaklfhlkak i hate this

TW really truly literally ruined the word ‘spark’ for me. Like the whole damn word. I hear it now and I’m like, NOPE, like...idk, some people who cringe when they hear the word moist or panties. Apologies to anyone who hates those words and cringed, i dont actually know if thats a thing or if like, I just have weird friends. Probably just the latter.

But anyways, Im just like...lmfao. Its so visceral too? Like I have this one original project, Waveriders, that I’ve been fiddling with off and on in the background of other projects for awhile, might have talked about it on here, idk, I don’t keep track. 

Basically its a far future sci-fi novel/setting for linked shorter works set on a gas giant that was settled by humans who figured that they can’t possibly be stepping on anyone’s toes there, its a freaking gas giant, hello, no one’s home, right? They literally have to make their own ground by using technology to form anti-gravity wells in the habitable zone of the atmosphere and like, make floating cities and then these kind of buoys scattered across the planet that create these electromagnetic currents that flow in specific ‘routes’ between the cities, and people travel between them in these flying ships that use magnetized hulls and solar sails to ride these currents, and blah blah blah, yada yada yada, bc like, why would I resist an opportunity to have floating cities and sky pirates and ancient cyborg machine dragons? Doesn’t make sense. 

Anyway, so couple thousand years after settling this planet, and by then for Plotty Reasons there are people who have what’s called waveriding abilities, like they can ‘hack’ certain wavelengths or types of energy and manipulate them in various ways, but only one kind of energy per person, and they each have their own little names and niches. 

So, y’know, basically just like ATLA, except for like, its energy powers and there are cyborg machine dragons and floating cities and sky pirates, obvsly. Plus areas of totally fucked up gravity called the badlands that are all like, criminal underworld metropolis because normal people are like lol nope, we like it when up is up and down is down, all of this is very just...nope. And also because shocking and totally unexpected plot twist, they were totally wrong about the planet being uninhabited just cuz it didn’t have Earth type ground...like, so in addition and on top of and in conjunction with all of the above and whatnot, there are these beings called Chaos Angels, that are basically like sentient quantum waveforms that can take any shape or appearance, but just, have no physical substance and yet are really good at faking that they’re not totally there when they fuck with humans, which they do a lot, because well. Why not, y’know?

But other than that, its exactly like ATLA. I’m a derivative hack. I disgust myself, truly I do.

BUT the point of this particular synaptic misfire aka ADHD ramble, is that so, okay, these different types of not!benders are all called waveriders as an overall umbrella term, but with ten different subsets of this in total, right? So people who can ‘hack’ light and manipulate it in various ways are called brightriders, and people who are tuned into soundwaves are called echo-riders, and some can manipulate the more electricity-skewed side of the electromagnetic spectrum and those are shockriders and the ones who skew more to the magnetic side are steelriders but I’m probably gonna change that because it sounds like a porno? Yeah no, just saw it outside of my notes for the first time and can confirm, definitely sounds like a porno so they’re not gonna be called steel-riders, but they will be called something steel-rider-esque. You get it.

And then there are the five weird ones that people aren’t totally quite sure how their waveriding shticks work because the kinds of energy they hack aren’t like....the kinds that work in the same way as the others with their easily discernible and patternistic wavelengths, and scientists and scholars are always arguing like but skyriders aren’t even in the same FIELD as the other waverider types because gravity isn’t even an actual ENERGY, just because we talk about gravity waves doesn’t mean they’re remotely the same thing as lightwaves, they make no SENSE, and I’m just like hahaha, I am your god, fictional scientists. Fucking deal with it. Plus it does make sense, you just don’t know the Secret Rules and Logistics that I do, pfft. 

Anyway, so the other types are boomriders who hack kinetic energy and skyriders of course obviously manipulate gravity, and then the last three are really weird, and super rare and thus don’t really have set names and just have lots of nicknames and are often just thought to be rumors. So those are the bio-riders who manipulate chemical energy though it often gets mistakenly referred to or just handwaved as being ‘life energy’ as though that’s a thing, ugh future way advanced people are so dumb sometimes, honestly. But so they can manipulate biological processes in various ways and do things with healing and also hurting, and basically just don’t piss one off ever. Like. You’ll die. And then there’s the psi-riders, who are essentially psychics and hack brainwaves, and I’m not at all bitter that I lack the balls to just go for broke and call them ghost riders like I want to, because ghost riders obviously sounds way cooler?? But also, Marvel would definitely sue?? Because they’re just, like that. 

And like, the last of the Weird Ones are the ones so super rare and also so hard to actually....tell if someone actually IS one, that most people think they don’t actually even exist and are just an unsubstantiated like, theoretical idea some scientist had once while high and then just, never shut up about so eventually the idea caught on. And those are the quantum-riders, or luck-riders, basically they theoretically manipulate quantum wavelengths in ways that are almost impossible to identify, like theoretically they wouldn’t even know they were doing it? Anyway, so lots of times, what are actually quantum-riders are just jealously thought to be like, really fucking lucky assholes. Even though the way their powers work really don’t have anything to do with luck or even probability, specifically, like that’s a simplistic approximation and its more like they manipulate possibilities but also shut up me, nobody cares.

ANYWAY, people who can count and who actually bothered to would probably notice by now like the funky little geniuses they are that all of those still only adds up to nine. And that’s because of the last one, the one that SHOULD go up in the brightrider, shockrider, notpornIswear!steel-rider hierarchy or taxidermy or whatever the fuck. And these are the ones who manipulate what’s essentially thermal energy, or more accurately the microwave-skewing side of the ultraviolet spectrum whereas brightriders are just the ones who skew more to the infrared side of it.

And the long and short of all of this Unnecessary-ness and the source of my fit of pique and ensuing ramble-palooza....is that ORIGINALLY, they were SUPPOSED to be called sparkriders.

But OBVIOUSLY I can’t call them that anymore, because like. I tried, and I was like ugh you drama queen slash whiny pissbaby, it was just a shitty teen supernatural show and SPARK WAS NEVER EVEN CANON, do not let THEM win and ruin a perfectly good classification name! But I did. I did let it ruin them, and its. Well. Its a problem, because I kept thinking up ways to kill off the sparkrider characters for absolutely no reason at all instead of like....thinking up ways to make the plot do what it was outlined to do in their parts of the story.

This may come like, way out of left field, and just SHOCK and STUN and BEWILDER some of you, like....no way, srsly? But yeah, true story, among my many canon mental neuroses like ADHD, PTSD, magical depression hour and super fun anxiety like....there is a tiny possibility (aka actual diagnosis) that while I don’t talk about this much, or ever really, I do have a smidge of ye old OCD? Its not like, a big thing and doesn’t really affect my daily routines and that’s pretty much why I never usually bring it up or list it alongside the rest of the crap on my neurodivergence resumé or whatever, because like, there’s already WAY too many misconceptions out there about what OCD actually is and what constitutes it, and tons of people are always jokingly but also thinking they’re kinda half serious, like ‘oh I’m so OCD about this and this and that’ and its like. LOL. Are you though? You sure?

Anyway, but point being, the way mine manifests for me is like...not actually a problem? Like, I don’t actually have any REAL complaints about it at all, just half-assed little fits of pique ones like this, which is the other part of why I never bring it up, because too often ppl just can’t fathom that OCD or even any kind of neurodivergence can be...WANTED, or a good thing, and lololol, that’s ableism, folks. But its true, I don’t actually mind mine at all, even if it occasionally makes things frustrating, when I get stuck like I am now. But the flip side of it is....its actually a pretty huge part of my creativity and just the way my mind works in general....like, what people accredit to me being particularly insightful about character analysis or drawing connections or stuff like that in meta or fics or my novels or worldbuilding...that’s what it is. That’s my OCD in action. 

My brain like...REQUIRES that I find patterns in....pretty much everything. Even day to day mundane stuff too, though like I said, its mild enough there that it doesn’t fuck with my routines too much, but like, I have to order things into nice, neat patterns and groupings. And if there aren’t any that are immediately obvious, I kinda pretty much HAVE to dig deeper until I find some on a slightly deeper level, something beneath the surface or first glance, and keep going until I find something.....or worst case scenario, I have to like....add stuff and embellish and fill in gaps with my own ‘content’ until I have the rough edges rounded off into something that CAN be stacked neatly atop some other part of the story or whatever it is I’m focusing on? And the obsessive-compulsive part for me is like, lol, I gotta find it SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW. 

My brain literally won’t shut off or grudgingly accept being diverted to a different subject until I’ve made some kind of pattern or flowchart or classification system. It will literally keep me up for hours, going over the same things over and over from every angle until I find SOME way to....reassemble or restructure it in some nice, neat little order of some type. I mean that’s basically what it is. My brain insists on me forming some semblance of order out of any glimpse I have of what I would otherwise term creative chaos. And it won’t give up until it gets what it wants, which when you throw in my ADHD and how often I’ll get derailed off on slight tangents but with my OCD then sooner or later forcing me back to the original focus, rinse and repeat ad nauseam....like. LOL. I learned to operate on very little sleep from a pretty young age by necessity, its just...my brain, dudes. Its just like that.

But the perks are like, I pretty much think this is WHY I’m so creative....because my brain, for as long as I can remember, has always just kinda....forced me to be? Also probably has a lot to do with well...eh, I don’t need to talk about that right now. Whatever. Anyway, point being, so....I do like the end results very much so, and for all its....Why Must You Be Like This eccentricities, I’m quite attached to my brain and would not be very likely to agree to a trade even were one possible. I mean don’t get me wrong, I could do without the PTSD and anxiety, if we’re just, like....talking some pruning shears or whatever, but the actual creative machinery, I’m keeping. Ultimately it just means I really fucking like patterns and finding patterns or making patterns where previously there were none, or at least none that were easy to spot.

But ugh, man, these are the rare times when I’m like omg, just call it a day, we don’t ACTUALLY have to come up with the perfect replacement name for that one relatively small and insignificant detail of a much larger story that isn’t even in the Top Ten list of my main priorities at the moment. And my asshole of a brain is just like....yeah no, we gotta. You know the rules dude, you decided it was official, that name didn’t work anymore and was never gonna, so now we gotta find a replacement or else things will be UNEVEN?? The pattern will be...missing a piece? There will be CHAOS AND ANARCHY IN THE STREETS THAT RUNNETH OVER WITH BLOOD? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??

And so I’m like....literally sitting here googling synonyms for spark because I’m just like that sometimes, lmfao. Oh and of course its gotta be a GOOD replacement, naturally. I can’t just shoehorn in a somewhat acceptable substitute that in the back of my mind I’m expecting to only be temporary, until I come up with something better. See, because my brain will KNOW, and it will NOT be okay with that, because that is CHEATING. And my brain, apparently, has strong feelings about cheating, which is weird and fairly unexpected of me, IMO.

Anyway, kudos to anyone who actually read through that instead of scrolling, I honestly have zero idea why I felt like sharing it, I just did and thus I did. *shrugs* 

[thedapperrabbit]

She-Ra Rewatch: season 3 and onwards through season 4, and boatloads of Introspection time!

So Ive been rewatching She-Ra with my partner, because sharing Entrapdak is caring. I could probably squee on about that for a century or more (because eeee, sharing things i love with people i love AND THEY EVEN PAY ATTENTION TO THE THINGS AND REMEMBER THEM!)...but ill spare you, kind internet strangers who for some reason find my thoughts mildly interesting enough to be reading this. This is going to be a lot. Like, a LOT. A lot especially from a stranger that youve probably only seen a notification from due to me sticking a heart on your content or for reblogging something lovely youve made in pictures or words. I dont think anything is going to be violently trigger-y because im not always great at judging that stuff and also ive yet to feel quite comfy enough to be  fully open-posting specifics about my own past trauma, other than a vague allusion to self-harm and distant-ish unspecified abuse aaaand the usual childhood garbage truck of assholes....but i suppose you could possibly draw some darker potential conclusions from the content im focused on. Also, my ADHD makes it incredibly hard to keep to a straight and non-branching narrative so...ramble-y bits and expressions of brain frustration ahoy. Either way...you are forewarned, just in case. Sorry in advance, this is going to be a small booklet by the time Im done explaining, and thinking, and then attempting to stick words to abstract feels which sometimes im great at, and then others i fucking suck at...but at least this is all written and not me trying to say this to any of your faces! Thats....a mercy all of its own. Haa...  Anyway, while rewatching with my partner, I realized just how much more painful parts of it are to sit through now...they were the first time, and each time since, but NOW having spent a while mulling over the series as a whole a bunch, and reading a lot of other peoples writings on here and finding myself largely in agreement with most Entrapdak fan’s assessment of things, I just....feel like all the air is ripped out of me during some moments, watching  with keener insight. And despite thinking i had myself reasonably well figured out by my age, its all also made me further consider a few things about myself as well. Particularly my notable internalized fury response to chunks of it which have been consistent through all my viewings of SPOP. With Hordak at least, its way easier to understand my reactions. For me at least. Maybe not so much for the people around me. And, shittier due to intensity and subject matter, but still easier in the long run because...the broken bits in me that he resonates with are fresher and sharper and still more recent, like within the last ten years, and thus more towards the front shelves in my head, compared to things that resonate with Entrapta, which are all old, lifelong dull aches at this point. I feel like nothing i can point to is fully sufficient to fully express my feels involving Hordak. But, maybe the best representative moment is with the crying i do every damn time I see his face looking up at Prime just after he glimmer and catra were beamed up...because ive seen that face in the mirror. I HAVE MADE THAT FACE. That same. Goddamn. Face. I may not have gotten a jab to the back of the neck directly from the person I made it at...but they often seemed to silently goad me to harm myself in an attempt to jolt my brain out of getting stuck in re-looping through what theyd just done/said to me. Likewise, much of his interactions with Entrapta are very...very weirdly familiar in feeling, but in a good way. Watching the stuff with Hordak hurts because fuck me if it isnt frequently like watching myself back in 2008ish to 2013, which was the duration of the worst parts of that particular circle of hell i parked my ass in. So...that makes sense. Hes so well written in those moments, it occasionally gave me PTSD flashbacks (still does a little, but now im prepared and braced for it and can shrug it back off....thanks, lifetime of therapy and years of studying abnormal psychology! Still totally not an expert, just very passionate...just, as a disclaimer).  Entrapta though...Entrapta is a different story. Mostly, I see Entrapta and in her free expressions of delight and joy and her bouncy enthusiasm I am reminded of a younger, less discouraged me in some ways, and in others, a “me” I could have been, but...well, extremely early-onset anxiety and depression made me insanely self-conscious super-super early on...not that i was great at hiding or...i guess the term people seem comfy with is “masking”? Which was a huge problem, or so it was in the 80s when far less was understood of such things. Id do so for a bit and then would forget to, in a way (because id forget long enough to go and trust again reflexively) and would get badly bullied and would squish everything down until id feel a crumb of safety again, and then almost instantly ADHD would pop that mask right the rest of the way off aaand it would start all over again. Ad nauseam until my teen years, where the depression sort of “fixed” that, and made it much easier to destroy my desire to share much of myself freely at all, save for with one or two people, and to a less deep extent a broader circle of nerd friends. Course, then i hit 30 and ran out of the majority of fucks I used to give. Or I became so damaged and salted with anger that parts of me dont grow any fucks anymore? Either way, plowshares to swords, WHEEEE!) And, maybe thats where this time while watching, I started to really think back to all that, and to how i see Entrapta treated by the other princesses, or really just in general except by Hordak...and why it burns my biscuits so badly. Every time I see someone roll their eyes at Entrapta’s beautiful unbridled enthusiasm or try to make it seem distasteful or at least weird and unwanted and uncomfortable for them but then dont even bother to try coming to terms with why they feel that way... or how they seem to feel free to grab and manhandle her without her consent, or the way they try to lessen her contributions because shes non-normative? Like its the fucking least she can do to make up for being weird in their space (...okay, that might just be the anger kicking in..but i dont feel like its an entirely innacurate assessment, is it?)  All of that...seeing it inflicted upon someone, It feels like someones punched me right in the damn sternum, but because its a hurt that im so desensitized to, it seems to have a much different effect than the sharp, violent crushing pain that i feel when I relate to Hordak a little too well for comfort. Again, i could go on, but its nothing more eloquent people on here havent already spoken volumes on. And my first gut reaction is always “I dont understand! why is that their reaction to her?! it doesnt seem logical at all, i dont seem to be able to parse it correctly, how is this acceptable? I HOPE SHE IMMOLATES YOU ALL.”. Which...I suppose isnt entirely usual for me (the silent wishing that people be immolated, I mean...i blame my past years of working in retail. And devouring too much Warhammer 40k contentl).  (oh gods...and this is going to be the most clusterfucky part cause i can feel my meds kicking in and thats gonna be hard to keep coherence on but i gotta get this all out of my head or ill forget it or get too scared of you fucking BRILLIANT insightful smart people on here and then ill continue to live scared and regretful that i never said..anything, and just sat here like “noticeme, entrapdak sempais!”  Ehhn...which is to say, if this is a garbage dump from here down, dont worry, when i wake up ill fix it...but hopefully itll at least make a tiny bit of sense ) But I realized something...something I hadnt ever rememberd much about due to the shitty neuronormative (apology if thats wrong term) behaviors continuing over years and years but in less and less directly aggressive ways as i grew older and was more prone to losing my shit in , (and likely because I got excessively lucky and managed through...uhhh...agonizing determination? Sheer stubbornness? Alleviatory rebalancing of universal karma? fuck if i know --to  curate a surprisingly supportive circle of other castoffs and misanthropes.) That was exactly how people used to treat me.  OKAY THISLL BE EDITED LATER to add in the rest of what i was gonna say...im...too full of Ambien sleep meds and damn write it anymore...and im aing trouble separating realigty and dream...an i k apawing at the kybord...not safe Lov yous for reading this far. Il fix it later, swears.

[yoitscro]

Ramble time again, lol

My brain has felt “stuffed” for last few months and I think I’m starting to figure out why? Maybe. I mean, outside of the obvious ADHD and depression. It’s more so that it’s felt stuffed over the last two years, actually.

I had some projects that, within the last year, have fallen back from where they should/should’ve been. The next reanimate should been worked on at this point, the pesterquest dub should be half way, meenahquest had to be revamped to the point that i may limit it to either myself or a VERY small team...so on.

I’m choosing to not listen to anyone who claims it’s because the pot finally boiled over with how much I carry. Yes, I do A LOT, more than I should, but I tend to feel a bit hurt if anyone suggests that me being overwhelmed is solely on me and not, like, outside factors. It feels ignorant and slightly one-upping on me for no reason, and like, I’m not going to take that well, lol.

My run of projects was fairly well before that and it isn’t just because I finally bit off more than I could chew. It’s because 2020 set EVERYONE back. It consisted of me being an essential worker during the midst of the pandemic, on top of being one of the many black people in America that were stressing to hell and back. Also, I’d been trying to (still) get over overall trauma that’s come from having a falling out with some ex-Homestucks that decided that publicly trying to stomp out a black person in the beginning of February was some kind of heroic justice. I also still have to live with my mom...which is, alot.

It’s been a mix of things that’ve left me, more so than usual, feeling angry, fatigued, sleep deprived, anxious, depressed, and semi-suicidal (I say semi because having a fear of pain has only had me at most to think about the most painless way to go versus...doing anything. also i still have too many things i wanna do. too many people i still care about for these...rhetorical scenarios. which. still isn’t good).

I guess you could say there’s a lot more going on that maaaaybe just maybe puts projects on the back burner, reasonably so, and well, I’m never one who’s taken well to salt being put in my wounds.

(I remember someone I once considered a friend suggesting that I go to therapy, or asking if I looked into it, despite ignoring the fact that they’d been one of the people that, if not had given gossip to others*, then at least knew that I was being singled out and didn’t do anything to help or at least provide understanding. They in fact felt annoyed that it was getting worse and I was talking about it so much as a sign of help versus actually caring, or at least telling me directly that they didn’t want to hear more, which, while still callous, would’ve sucked less.

*they told me they didn’t and got offended that i even asked, overly defensive, and in the back of my mind I thought about how I was told by another party that they were specifically the one that shared stuff from a private server. though i held my tongue cus that would’ve gotten more people involved...)

(It also sucks that I literally got into HStwt, the time of bad times, the month following when my ex-best friend ghosted me and left me severely depressed in the winter of 2018, but I digress. I’ll save that for another ramble)

I think my recent head stuffiness has more so contributed to the fact that after years of connecting myself to the HS fandom, 6, and overall to fandom throughout my life, I’ve finally found the confidence and skills to want to make something original. Not only that, but to do some other things, such as having time practice in other art medias, overall doing art studies with a pencil, etc. Even doing things outside of my creative outputs, like exercising, or watching an anime or playing a game I wasn’t able to get into two years ago because I was worried about a zine schedule when I wasn’t working or at minimum doing doodles on the side.

Work still doesn’t help. This year I clocked in at 100 hours in two weeks once. It was dreadful.

I also got deep into a new fandom which...hasn’t actually happened SINCE Homestuck. But funny timing, lol.

I guess where I can say that I am now is...hm.

I’m still trying to figure things out. I have projects to finish, and I still have HS ones I wanna do...but I potentially need to diminish the list so I’m not long terming this stuff. I have some big ones I wanna do, and at least one more SAHCon year, two if I feel like having a 5 year con. 

I also wanna try to work or either very small teams, or just not work with anyone for project stuff. I love working in collabs and the mutual benefits, but it can be stressful on relying for certain things, and, I’ve been accused of using people  for clout or so one too many times for my liking.

I have to look at these original ideas I wanna try, some of which like I said requires me to practice certain things that project fatigue won’t allow.

And then, two glaring things to keep in mind:

I’d like to go to college at some point, community, potentially next fall? It gives me time to get some of these hefty things out of the way before I start struggling with math, lol.

Secondly, I really wanna quit my job. I’ve only been dealing with it for 3+ years because it’s not minimum wage nor is it food services -- I can work on my projects on the go. I’m making this journal during my Sunday shift right now!

But it’s gotten suckier with new management, and I’ve never worked with benefits. I think my goal is to just work as long(er) as I can to earn a certain amount of money, and then some time before going to school in fall, I’d take some months of a break. Not only to work creatively in piece with no extra stress, but to get some of these projects done before I scoot my boot.

Honestly, the idea of having a free Saturday again and doing art next to a window sill while listening to youtube commentary seduces me. And if I were to chop down my work load, I’d feel even happier.

Anyways, I guess this was just another vent. I haven’t been able to get any creative work done today bc these thoughts were spinning around in my brain, but I had to write them down so I could also organize what I should do first. 

Apologies to that one anon long ago that got sad that Im not longer silly or whatever <:””((((((