#this was emotionally cathartic to make me thinks

[iersei]

it’s been a while since i’ve drawn anything for pride month, so!!

[pinkeoni]

I know it’s a lot less likely but I want Mike to come out to Nancy more than to Karen

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

i feel like i should start making more of an effort, when i talk about something in a piece of media being Upsetting to me, to distinguish between 'cathartic' upsetting and 'gave me psychic damage' upsetting. sometimes i mean OUGH OW MY FEELINGS THIS FUCKS ME UP IN A MEANINGFUL AND RESONANT WAY, MY LIFE IS ENRICHED FOR BECOMING AWARE OF IT and sometimes i mean that it is genuinely distressing and i want to shake the creators and ask what the fuck they were thinking

[mansplainmanipulatemalewife]

Having a normal one

[soft-serve-soymilk]

rotating in my bed with great fervour because I’m getting happy flashbacks to yesterday with Dolphin’s little ‘aww.. Archie D:’

[malachitezmeyka]

You know, for someone who was always praised on being the calm and quiet one as a child, I sure do cry a lot now

[yes-these-obsessions-are-healthy]

As a NB, Taash is a huge blow to non-binary representation. Yeah, give the non-binary rep to the rudest, most emotionally immature, hypocritical companion. Make their personal quest about them getting all defensive when their mom reasonably asks about what being non-binary is, because oh my God how dare Mom be ignorant to this super abstract concept that is difficult to articulate to someone who does not perceive the world that way, cancel her with death. Make Taash coded autistic to give them the excuse for being a poorly socialized brat that gives you no option to tell them to shut the fuck up like any reasonable person in the real world would tell them to do because autism is no excuse for rudeness and casual disregard for other peoples’ feelings.

Like why are we feeding into the stereotype that NB people are immature brats who expect the world to freeze when they’re misgendered and for people to flagellate themselves with stupid performative punishments when they slip up or don’t immediately grasp the concept? This is literally how Republicans and conservatives see us. These are the jokes they make about us to invalidate us because they think that’s how we behave, and then you have Veilguard literally say “Yeah we’re like that lol”. If it’s some sort of subtle attempt at satire, it’s a shitty one that I’m not laughing at because it’s a waste of NB rep just to be ironic. If it’s sincere, it’s an embarrassing power fantasy that only the lamest and most miserable person on earth would find cathartic.

Imagine if Emmrich was the non-binary companion. Keep his personality and appearance (ok tweak it so it looks far less modern), but you learn in his romance ‘actually gender is not that much of a concern for me. In death we are all the same.’ and the reason he looks like *that* is because he likes it. You could add more depth to his fear of death with the question of “Have I lived as my most authentic self? Am I truly who I am, or have I fallen into the trap of reflecting what society expects of someone born with the body that I have?’ because there is this worry that some NB people like myself have where we’re not outwardly “NB” enough, like we don’t practice what we preach. Most importantly, Emmrich would never use the term “non-binary” to describe himself. He would have a term or phrase he would use to describe his feelings that someone of that setting would use to represent how queer people would characterize and conceptualize their gender and sexuality for themselves before they had access to all the precise modern labelling. He could call himself some untranslatable word that he’s transcribed from some foreign language—Tevene, Qunlat—or he gleaned from some epitaph while working with the Mourn Watch, an epitaph for a Planasene tribe member who was given the designation that roughly translated to “neutral” for referenced sex (gender and sex being interchangeable to these ancient peoples). SOMETHING cool like that. Something thoughtful and full of far more depth than thunk “I’m non-binary”.

Personally to me, non-binary is a political philosophy as much as it can be personal expression. You can dress “binary” and be non-binary because the point is that it doesn’t matter, and that is the beauty of it. There’s freedom in that nihilism and exploration, and Emmrich would’ve been a cool gateway to that sort of ‘live as you wish because we’ll be dust eventually’, especially from an older man. We have very little queer older men rep in media, and far, far less rep of NB individuals over 30 just in general. Being NB is seen as a phase dominated by young people. Emmrich would be that bridge and perhaps even that door for older individuals who might not have considered they were non-binary because it’s a young person thing or what have you.

And you know we could explore these ideas more if Veilguard had, I don’t know, extensive dialogue trees and opportunities to talk to our companions outside of demarcated “hey I need to talk to you” events, shitty banters, and lil intramurals between the companions that Rook is just a bystander to like a camp counselor or head of HR.

[facefullofsadness]

I can't fall in love with you

university!au

crush!giselle x admirer!reader

prompt - minjeong is so in love with her girlfriend aeri, but so are you, and you can't be

content - angst, complicated relationship dynamics, alcohol usage, allusions to suicide

wc - 3378

a/n - cathartic: involving the release of strong emotions

the sky is covered with dark clouds, there must be rain today.

it's almost ironic how the weather works, considering the number of nights I've been crying recently. it's been weeks since I last talked to aeri. I've avoided her like the plague to run away from the reality of whatever was brewing inside me emotionally that I felt towards her. minjeong is an incredible girl and the only girl that should really matter in aeri's life, I can't possibly interrupt that, no matter how badly I want minjeong's girlfriend.

knowing aeri for months, we grew closer together, to each other. I got so attached to her; she listened to me, let me rant to her about anything I wanted to, important or irrelevant, took care of me in the moments where I felt out of control of my own life, guided me through the days where I didn't want to try anymore, held me and let me cry into her as I shattered into a million pieces. my heart would always swell thousands of times its original size when she would look at me with those soft and kind eyes, running her big hands through my hair and holding me close as I sobbed, her comforting words making me melt all over again.

I love her, I love her so much, but I know that having her is impossible. I'm not the girl in her life that she prioritizes above all, that she would run to even if I'm on the floor sobbing, even if she made me feel that way. I realized this and became terrified, so I ran away. I abandoned her even after promising to never do so, ghosting her in an effort to leave her to live her life as normal, without so much baggage weighing on her shoulders because of me. but I so badly wanted to go back to her, run into her embrace that would instantly cure me of my agony, but I fought myself instead.

I was a fool to think I could listen to my brain and not follow my heart. cause as I drink the last of my third bottle of alcohol of the night, drunk out of my mind, I couldn't stop myself from texting her. of course, I should've thrown out my phone long ago. incoherent words send themselves to aeri, letters I can barely comprehend. but only minutes later, my vision clears when she replies:

</3: come to the playground

the playground near my apartment, a place we knew well, a place we went to for amusement or solace. maybe, this time it was more for conclusion.

"I hate when you're like this."

aeri says as I stumble over myself to reach the pole holding the swing set up.

"you act like I'm self-destructive or something," I respond sarcastically, slurring over my words, the alcohol in my system taking over completely.

she sighs at what I said, "don't joke around. I don't want you killing yourself... don't you see how hard I'm trying for you? don't you know how much I care about you y/n? how fucking heartbreaking it is to see you like this?"

even intoxicated, I can hear the venom in her voice as she gets irritated with me.

I chuckle back, "oh whatever aeri, don't waste your energy on me."

"fuck you y/n, I can't keep doing this," aeri raises her voice, desperation and exhaustion evident in it.

silence hangs for a second as my world spins, vision blurry, the darkness of the night not helping at all. my stomach churns and my heart burns, aching. all the things I want to confess to her getting stuck in my throat, unable to release itself.

I hiccup once before uttering out, "then leave, don't waste your time on me."

the sound of aeri clenching her fists around the metal supports of the swing are loud enough to be heard, but then, it's silent again. the summer late night breeze flows through the air, a solo lamp post above us providing us with the faintest amount of light, distant chirps of cicadas to accompany the noise of passing cars in the street nearby. then, a choked sob from the girl next to me.

I turn towards her, almost throwing up at the sudden movement. aeri's crying, a single tear falls from her right eye, running down her cheek and falling to the sand below. there's no follow-up sobs, just silent teardrops running down her sweet devastated looking face. my whole chest tightens at the sight, making my head spin more as the alcohol clashes with my heartbreak.

"y/n, if you wanted to leave me, you should've just said so..." it's practically a whisper, barely audible to my dazed mind, but I'm fully zoned in on listening to anything aeri has to say in this moment.

her words sink in however, my stomach unsettled from a mixture of the verbal heartbreak and the physical coping mechanism dancing together in tragic collaboration.

"if you were just gonna leave me hanging for so long, you could've just told me," her voice is louder, "do you know how long I waited for you? do you know how badly I missed you? how badly I wanted to reach out to you? it's not like it would've mattered considering you'd just ignore me."

she continues, "I've tried so, fucking, hard, to ignore how badly it aches being without you," each word added with a pause to emphasize herself. "every single second that has passed since you left me, all I've been able to think about is you."

her eyes close shut as she now uses her hands as her emotions pour out her mouth, "I literally cannot stop thinking about you. my fucking head is just filled with you, you, you. I can't be normal, if my ears aren't filled with noise then the thoughts of you come flowing back in and I can't stop them from being loud."

she hangs her head, her arms falling limp beside her, voice quieting down into defeated sighs, "you promised y/n, you promised me you wouldn't leave. but I can't hate you, I've never been able to hate you or dislike you or feel an ounce of disdain or contempt towards you because I don't, I never will be able to. I only but love you. and I can't stop loving you and I don't know how to stop, I don't know if I'll ever be able to stop, even if I tried it wouldn't work because I HAVE tried. and even then, I still fucking love you."

deafening silence hangs once again in the air, the tension palpable. I feel my chest squeeze, the overwhelming rush of emotions colliding with my fragile heart, feeling the liquid courage in my system turn to regret.

"always so eloquent with words, aren't you aeri?" my voice manages to squeak out, surprising myself, "but never enough to read the room."

she turns to look at me, eyes filled with tears. I hesitate from speaking, the words I want to say stuck at the back of my throat, stopping them from spilling out. if I weren't drunk enough to care, I'd listen to my thoughts, but my body reacts on its own, knowing that if I don't speak now, I'll hold this suppressed pain till the end.

"why do you think I've avoided you? why do you think I needed the space and distance? because I didn't want to see you? because I didn't wanna talk to you anymore? because you didn't make me happy anymore? didn't make me feel like the only girl to ever exist in this wicked fucking world, the only person to truly see and love me, the only person to make me feel like I mattered?"

I can't hold myself back as my emotions overflow from my tongue, unable to halt its onslaught, no longer in control of my own self.

I become louder, choked sentences turning into audible begs for her to listen, "do you really think my words meant nothing? that I didn't mean it when I said all those things to you? that you were the first person, the only person I would go to when I felt like shit? did you even listen to me?!"

"of course I fucking listened to you y/n! why are you acting like I'm stupid?!" aeri argues with me.

"because you're blind aeri!" I argue back, "can't you see?! can't you fucking see what's going on?!"

"I don't understand!"

"I'm in love with you aeri! I'm in love with all of you, every single part of you! I love your smile, your voice, your laugh, your body, your hands holding mine, your warm comforting hugs, your hums when I lay on your chest, your pats on my back when everything is too overwhelming, the affirmation you give when I feel like dying, the interest you show when I rant about something stupid, the shine in your eyes when you talk about your interests, the gentleness you give me when I'm crying, the love you make me feel when you simply exist in my presence and even if we're not together you still make me feel like I matter! I fucking love you!!!"

drops of rain softly fall to the ground around us, a light drizzle slowly emerging from the sky, the weight of my outburst heavy in the air.

my voice croaks, almost whispering, "I've fallen so deeply and harshly and intensely in love with you, every part of my body aches because while I love you, I cannot have you. I know you love me too but you can't love me the way I so desperately want you to, the way I so desperately love you."

the moon glistens in her eyes, shiny with tears and cheeks trailing with raindrops. so much pain painted on her face, and yet she's still so beautiful, my heart longs even harder for aeri.

"being around you makes me feel like the angel you say I am, makes me feel like I'm floating above the clouds and you're the reason why I'm able to do that, makes me feel like nothing else matters as long as I have you. but it also reminds me of how it's all not real, how I can't just have you, that I'm not your only one. it's minjeong and it should be, but my god do I wish it were me..." my voice weakens with the last part of the sentence, the tears streaming down my trembling cheeks.

"so aeri, I'm inexplicably sorry for breaking your heart, but mine is shattered too. my reality, this reality, it's unbearable, and I so badly yearn for you. I've been agonizingly in pain wanting you, needing you ever since I've left with no words, but resisting it because I can't ruin the good thing you and minjeong have. no matter how insanely desperate I am for you, I know it's not right for me to fight myself for you."

we both cry silently, the slight rustle of leaves from the trees around us in harmony with the serene but heartbreaking drizzle of rain muffled by the sand of the dark abandoned playground. it pained me greatly watching the love of my life look so utterly torn apart in front of me, me being the reason aeri was so broken. all I want to do is reach out to her, cup her precious face into my hands, wipe the salty tears from her cheeks, and kiss her plump trembling lips, reassure her that everything will be okay. but again, I can't, I couldn't, my shoes glued to the floor and hands clutching the material of my jacket, like I could hold in the pain aching in my chest.

"y/n..." her voice shaky, tone unrecognizable compared to the comforting and confident girl I knew, "I love you."

even though her voice was weak, what she said made my knees wanna give out, buckling at her words. she had told me she loved me before but this time she sounded different, it made my churning stomach fill with butterflies. my chest pounded harder as aeri started to walk closer to me, tiny but impactful steps as she was almost up against me. her warm hands carefully cupping my cheeks, thumbs caressing my skin and wiping my tears away as I melt completely into her touch. as my eyes close, I feel her forehead rest against mine, aeri's soft lips very slightly grazing mine, my hands falling to slip themselves into her hoodie, holding her close by her waist, afraid to let go.

I clutch her tightly, a contrast to the soft grasp aeri's hands hold my face in, so warm on my cheeks. even for this small moment in time that the two of us settle in, I feel all my anxiety and agony wash away with the rain, comforted and at peace with the world when I'm with her, the girl I'm so tragically in love with holding me like it's the only thing either of us want, need. god I wish this moment would last forever.

what I would give to kiss her right now. how badly I want to just close the miniscule amount of distance between us and feel her soft lips mold against my strawberry soju flavored ones. how desperately I want to pull her into me and never let go, making out with her breathlessly. and how painfully I hold myself back, restricting myself from acting upon any urge I harbor, not letting myself give my everything to the woman I love.

"aeri... I love you," my voice breaks in a sob, "and I'm sorry..."

I take a good look at my one and only girl for the last time, observing her perfection, how ethereal aeri uchinaga is to me. then I rip myself away from her warmth, turning and never looking back, tears welling up in my eyes and blurring my vision of the already pitch black night.

I run. I run and run. I keep running. I cry, furiously. I can't see anything. all I can hear is the sound of my own sobs as I throw myself against the wall of a building and shrink to the floor, wailing into my arms.

the days that followed were a blur. I don't remember how the night ended, how I got home, what happened after, nothing. I didn't touch my phone, didn't contact or respond to anyone, just rotted the days away in my bed, eating or using the bathroom when my stomach hurt too much. not even a knock at the door would force me to get up from my asylum, not a phone call, not an urgent emergency, not anything that could possibly be of importance. simply because nothing mattered. I used to believe it would all be okay if nothing did matter, but my reason to keep believing is gone now, she's all gone.

looking out the window all day, the clouds were dark and heavy, steady drizzling from the sky once again. I took a trip to the kitchen, interrupted by a white envelope on the floor near the door. it compelled me forward, shakily opening it and feeling all of my emotions run back to me as soon as I recognized the handwriting.

dear y/n,

I don't know anymore. I've thought a lot about everything and I just, I've got nothing. nothing to tell you that'll make everything okay, that'll solve any problems or issues, that'll make anyone feel better. I'm sorry y/n, for letting all of this happen. I've come to the realization that it's out of my hands, emotions and love, they act on their own, but while I'm sure I can't completely blame myself for how you feel about me, I could've let you go softly instead of letting you love me, even if I didn't know. I got close to you, closer than I've ever gotten I think to anyone, not minjeong, not my friends, not my family, you. I should've known that our clinginess to each other would lead to such a demise.

I write all of this to say, ultimately, I love you. I still love you, I don't think I can bring myself to stop loving you, again, even if I tried, I wouldn't be able to. I'll be leaving soon, the fall semester is gonna start and I'll be gone and out of your hair in more ways than one before you know it. not that it matters but me and minjeong broke up. it was never gonna work out between us considering the differences in what we wanted and how impossible it was for us to be with one another. I could sense the end for us, I could feel her falling out of love with me. unfortunately I've lost one too many people I've loved deeply and I don't think I can reasonably recover ever from this.

y/n, if you're ever ready to love me again, in any way, shape, or form, I'll be there. I want you to know I'll never stop loving you, again, I fucking can't. I don't know why I keep holding onto you when I know it's over, I know we're over, I know you don't want to, or wish you could stop giving a fuck about me. so goodbye y/n. thank you for making me just the happiest girl I could've been for as long as you existed in this life of mine. you made me feel beautiful, gave me butterflies, made me feel like if everything in life fell apart and that if it was just me and you that it would be perfectly fine, like nothing or no one mattered as long as it was just us, you made me feel so fucking incredible, inside and out. I've never felt such euphoria from anyone before, and haven't felt so gorgeous until you came around, like the goddess you treated me as.

admittedly, I think you were slowly but very effectively taking my heart. I never let myself dwell on those thoughts for too long but deep down I knew that it was true. everything you said that night when I held your precious face in my hands, I couldn't ignore it, I was falling for you too. I wanted to kiss you so bad, to close my eyes as our lips met and ignore the world falling apart around us, but you pulled away and I stood there with my hands in the air covered in rain, feeling my heart break all over again. I love minjeong and I'll continue to love her till I die, but I don't think I was in love with her anymore, but in love now with you. letting you steal my heart while minjeong's heart was in my hands is regrettable, I don't think I'll be able to forgive myself even if she never knows. though, I don't regret having fallen for you, I mean I wouldn't have if there was no reason to, right? but ultimately, it's my fault for letting two incredible people fall in love with me, someone who couldn't keep their hearts from breaking in the end.

I can't promise you this little life of mine will last long, I'm, broken, shattered, and quite frankly, I don't wanna try loving anymore, I think this might've been my last straw. I've never been good with love, you know that, and yet you loved me, maybe you still do. I don't know if I can handle anyone else falling in love with me and letting myself fumble with their precious emotions any longer, so taking out the middle man feels like the conclusion I've reached. we both ended up breaking our promises of staying for each other, didn't we? how ironic, isn't it y/n? I'm sorry for leaving you, but I can't find it in my own fragile heart to stay. so, thank you for being my friend, my love, mine.

I'll protect you from the other side,

your aeri

the rain outside started to pour.

[sweetbottletops]

Everyone: I consent!

Ch. 116

This isn't starting out well. Oh, she's got the cardboard box and everything. This is definitely the final move.

What was really tough was she couldn't even feel justified about being upset all this time. Of course Joe was going to pick Mitsuki back then. She wasn't going to fight with him about that then or now. She already knew she'd lose.

Six years later she comes back and he's still picking Mitsuki even though she's grown. He's lost sight of their shared dream as well. And her plan to maybe see if Mitsuki wanted to go with her to the US (freeing Joe up to follow them) she ditched pretty much as soon as she got to know Mitsuki again and met Aya. She wasn't going to get between them.

It is weird that the thing that makes Joe attractive is he is loyal and good to Mitsuki. While it seems overbearing now that she's older and he's having trouble realizing she might need him in a different way these days that still one of his best traits.

So once again Kanna can't even be upset in a way that might help her move on faster. Joe is just being Joe to the end.

Flowers from Mitsuki. Permission from her for Joe to put himself and Kanna first for once.

Making the different choice isn't locking Kanna down in Japan to be "mom" either. She was uncomfortable with all the "you're like a mom" talk. It would mean Joe following his dreams with her to the US. Thematically he should buy a ticket right now and go. Let's just ignore any visa waiver paperwork process and make it happen.

Who let them grow up?

I'm not sure there's been a more never kissed before kiss than this. But there is consent. The flight path has been confirmed if not the landing.

Maybe it is fitting that Car Seat Headrest's "Bodys" is their song. The communication issues mixed with a desperation to connect physically at least because it all could be over at any moment.

If this were the end there would be some complaints that they haven't properly confessed yet blah blah, but this will be in the first few chapters of of volume 4 I think so there's room for all of that still.

"Don't you realize our bodies could fall apart at any second?"

Koga made the desperate ditch and run to prom without having thought things out further than getting herself in front of Aya, but Aya has been here emotionally for months. So it's not a surprise that she took over.

This is such an oddly composed kiss compared to anything else I've seen Sumiko do. I have to admit it's more intriguing than cathartic for me.

There's practically a whole volume left at least. I'm looking forward to seeing how Koga reacts because for all of her getting there to this moment she's very much a passenger at the end. Which isn't a bad thing considering how she processes things and they technically haven't talked yet what with this their third-starting-over of the series but as more than friends this time.

I just know Koga is going to write a banger after this.

[prettyboypistol]

How the TF2 Mercs De-stress/Manage Anger

Scout

Actually a stereotypical movie bad boy about it. Cigarette, batting cage, and punching bags his emotions out. Shouts at people and shoves them out of his way, throat closed up in welled up emotions, his lungs refusing to give him air as the tightness of slamming against the metaphorical wall of frustration feels like it kills him inside. You know what? Being so tired you can barely register the world around? It's better than feeling like an elephant trapped in a jam jar.

Soldier

Works out and represses the expressions unless he's in battle. That's actually where he gets most of his energy. He thinks of all the shit that pissed him off or made him feel small and uses that flicker of rage as the start of the firecracker of a soldier on the field. Doesn't talk about his emotions much and doesn't see any need to. Yeah, a few drinks in and he gets sappy, but that's normal. Anger usually gets metal pipes bent or people's faces bashed in. Usually both.

Pyro

Expresses anger and stress as overexcitabiliy and hyperactivity. A constant overstimulation mode. Referencing the comics, Pyro won't hesitate to kill a bitch knowingly if they are pissed off. They're the reason it's called a "crime of passion". High spikes of anger followed by a low simmer of calmness. Actually pretty good about deep breaths when it comes to mild annoyances or daily stress, but the over the top bullshit absolutely gets an over the top reaction.

Heavy

Intimidation and powerplay is the name of Heavy's game. Sharp glares and a clear body message of "I will snap your spine if you breathe near me." This comes from his time in the gulag, when he had to keep himself and his family safe. Looking murderous when upset had a lot of advantages. When it actually comes to relieving the anger, he's an isolationist. Def thinks over the situation over and over again as he distracts himself with one of his hobbies. Usually not reading because his mind wanders off too much to focus on the pages.

Engineer

Hyperactive workaholic. He locks himself in his workshop and doesn't leave until he makes something either revolutionary or a man made horror you could only fathom in your nightmares. Whatever, he can sell it to the Administrator as a torture device. Who cares. Engie isn't much of a talker so much as he is a ranter. He grumbles and shouts to himself in a one way conversation as he tightens that one bolt that gave him trouble. Only once has he dented one of his sentries with his wrench when the energy was too much to comprehend.

Demoman

As is his usual solution, he drinks. He drinks and he talks. It doesn't matter to who or even if people are with him. Talking and bitching helps him to understand the situation, get his feelings validated, and develop more points of view. If that doesn't work, there's always testing his explosives. That release of emotions as he watches the burn pile explode is cathartic in a way. Pyro usually joins in and watches the fire, giving Demo someone to talk to.

Sniper

Also an isolationist, but you couldn't tell either way unless you pissed him off while talking to him. If it's just him, then you wouldn't even know that motherfucker was milliseconds away from starting a fight. Mutters to himself softly, barely able to hear the words himself as he shoots at sodacans and empty food containers all lined up by his van. Long drives while music plays in the background is one of his guilty pleasures when he can get away with it. If you ask what's bothering him he'll have a 50/50 between shrugging and saying a dismissive "it's nothing, just woke up wrong" or will barely explain it, but get the just of it accurately.

Spy

Tries to work through it physically, not emotionally. Man's has never talked about his emotions in his life and you won't make him start now. Usually very bitchy when something pisses him off, and his weapon of choice is personal insults. It's a funny thing really. He needs to feel superior by putting others down because the anger and stress makes him feel weak. There is only one good way to snap him out of a bad mood: casually praise him. "Nice work, Spy." "I knew I could count on you." "Thanks Spy, you're a lifesaver." Are instant soothers. It's nice to be acknowledged.

Medic

Workaholic worse than Engie. This man is really out here about to create an elderitch horror because he stubbed his toe and spilled his coffee. Strained smiles and snide comments are his language when he's had a bad day. If someone directly irritates him, that man is a solid 6'1 minimum and is built. He will and continue to physically intimidate people. Has violent fantasies as a cope.

[vickyvicarious]

"I ran downstairs then, but could see no sign of him. I looked into Renfield's room; but there was no trace there except——!" Again he paused. "Go on," said Harker hoarsely; so he bowed his head and moistening his lips with his tongue, added: "except that the poor fellow is dead."

I want Arthur to have been with/comforted Renfield as he died for Renfield's sake. I want him not to have simply died alone on the floor of the room he's been imprisoned in. I want him to have been thanked and soothed and treated like a person in his last living moments. I want him to have the assurance that he's helped them drive Dracula away from Mina. I want it to be Arthur specifically because he is so kind and because the former Lord Godalming was someone he knew in his youth, so maybe the resemblance could have taken him back to better days.

I also want Arthur to have been there during this death for his sake. But not in a comforting way, necessarily. Arthur is surrounded by death in this book. So far he has lost his father, Mrs. Westenra, Lucy, Lucy again... One more now feels fitting in a horribly sad way but also like it might help somehow. One more person he can't save... He is emotionally open enough (and emotionally overwrought enough) to potentially cry here and I think it could simultaneously be a comfort to Renfield that there is someone who would cry for him, and a little bit cathartic to Arthur too. Jack says that even after admitting Renfield died, "I could not but feel that Art was keeping back something; but, as I took it that it was with a purpose, I said nothing." Unless I'm remembering wrongly, we never hear what might be held back here or what the purpose might be. It makes me wonder. I'd kind of love it if Arthur made some kind of promise to Renfield. Maybe to bury him safely, maybe to carry on the fight against Dracula, maybe to ensure he won't rise into anything worse than death. Certainly if the latter he may not feel it's a good time to mention it in front of Mina. Or maybe he just spoke with him and it felt private enough that he doesn't want to talk about it. Regardless, it would be such a good moment.

[stylerm2world]

Episode 7x5 was… boring. Once again, completely underwhelmed. I feel like the writing has taken a nosedive from seasons 1-3. Nolan and Bailey feel like caricatures and not real people. I feel like they are trying to make Celina, Seth and Miles similar to Lucy, Nolan and Jackson, but they have none of the same depth or chemistry. Why does Miles all of the sudden have a girlfriend when he has made moves on almost every girl he’s met? Just another example of the writing being so poor. I just imagine the writers sitting around going let’s give him a girlfriend with no acknowledgement of how he has been written prior to that moment.

Chenford, ugh! Make it make sense! They have left them hanging so long, I am apathetic at this point. Their emotional content or really their lack of emotional content for this many episodes is just so incredibly shitty. I am fully convinced Alexi did this on purpose because he hates shippers. Their interactions make no sense based on what happened last season. Their breakup made no sense emotionally either and it’s continued in this season. Which tells me, they are going to prolong them getting back together all season, if ever, or they are going to force them back together without it being earned. They have laid ZERO emotional groundwork for a reunification. There is no emotional growth on screen, especially from Tim. They are acting like colleagues. Tim has not even attempted to make a repair at all considering he destroyed their relationship in 60 seconds in a parking lot. Lucy, who could barely stand to be around him at the end of last season is fine with it all and asking him for advice. WTF? I know it’s a ship, but it was the one little spot I had in this dumpster fire of hell.

I see people hanging onto little moments and turning them into bigger things than I think we see on screen. I think people read interviews and add that to their character interpretations. I think little moments work when building a ship but not after you’ve obliterated it. Not only have you demolished the ship and completely regressed one of your characters, you choose to not let the characters have a cathartic conversation in order to let your audience figure out what to do with the end of the relationship. Also, this idea that he didn’t break up with her because he didn’t love her but because he hates himself is the biggest piece of bullshit. Please, for the love of God, stop making excuses for emotionally immature men, even if they are fictional. How you treat someone is just as, if not more important than how you feel about them.

This was Alexi’s big f*%# y&$* to shippers. It is cruel and purposeful. Just think about Grey’s comments about internet people.

Basically, Alexi ruined Castle and now he’s ruined this. Explains why I couldn’t get past the first episode of The Recruit. I used to love Nathan Fillion from as far back as One Life to Live, but Nolan is so sanctimonious and one dimensional he’s not interesting anymore.

Melissa O’Neill is the only reason I still watch.

I am gutted at what they have done to this couple I used to love. Tim isn’t even attractive to me anymore because his character is so awful now.

[taffywabbit]

[kind of a longwinded vent post i guess, i was gonna just make a sort of tired joke post but then it actually wasn't a joke oops. don't feel obligated to read this, i just need to put my thoughts somewhere]

man. i am wayyy too damn busy this week to be getting hit with as many heavy thoughts and potentially entire-perspective-on-life-altering realizations about my identity and mental health as i have been. why can't i ever have important stuff to think about during literally any time when my life affords me the time and energy to think about it properly. it just ends up being loud background static behind my existing stress every time because it's like... i obviously do have tangible stuff i NEED to prioritize, and it's reasonable for me to put that first, but i still end up feeling like i'm somehow being cowardly or irresponsible by putting off the internal processing that's demanding i pay more attention to it.

i'm literally just living that one post that's like "i'm probably nonbinary but i have a job so i don't really care about that right now" or whatever, except i'm already trans so swap that first part out for a growing list of possible untreated mental illnesses, an increasingly-hard-to-ignore identity crisis, the looming dread that i cannot keep treading water in my current stagnant career forever. also, most notably, a general sense that i have no idea where my life is going or what i want from it now that i've finally broken down my mental wall labeled "you can't pursue anything else you want until you get your ass in gear and start transitioning already", gotten some joy out of that, and then realized there wasn't much else it was actually obstructing. and it's like. breaking that wall DID at least give me a clearer view of things and now i have plenty of other important stuff i could unpack, but it feels like i'm just stuck on a nonstop conveyor belt of "actually i don't have time for that because i'm behind on work again" that prevents me from making real tangible progress in figuring my shit out, even now.

like i am aware this is very much a "GOD i need to talk to a therapist" type situation but guess what! seeing a therapist costs a lot of money (yes, even in canada) and takes time and effort to set up, and if i want those things i'd better get my work done! except oops now i'm once again too busy to do anything BUT work, because i burned out and slowed down and the work took too long again and now i no longer have the time for the genuine proper break i needed in order to do anything for myself besides earn money.

one of the most frustrating parts is that HRT has seemingly made me a lot more emotionally sensitive and outwardly reactive (as it reportedly does for many people), and instead of that being the cathartic experience it should be, it usually just manifests as all my shit very visibly unraveling at the seams as i spiral and make an ass of myself and push people away, where i previously would've at LEAST been able to hold it together a bit better. so not only do i feel like i'm not making progress, it's constantly taking all the energy i can spare just to avoid crashing out and burning all my bridges and leaving myself with no external supports. my friends are kinda all i have right now, and i'm painfully aware that the more i procrastinate sorting out my issues, the more danger there is that i'll damage my relationships with those i care about if any of this internal pressure leaks out at the wrong time. which then becomes yet another fear to add to the pile of stuff i'm not equipped to deal with right now

idk. i was about to instinctively say "i'm fine tho" and that's very clearly a lie, but like. i WILL continue to manage at least. i'm not in any physical danger from myself or others, nothing is gonna happen to me, you don't have to worry about anything like that. i'm just overwhelmed and exhausted, and i don't have any good outlets for talking about this shit anymore besides just dumping it on friends at random, which feels shitty and i would really prefer not to make a habit of it. i just feel like i'm waiting for some kinda stroke of good fortune to come along and perk me up and give me enough of a jolt of extra energy to start doing things differently, kinda like last year when i suddenly stumbled into getting my transition stuff started and then THAT gave me enough confidence and excitement to seek out an ADHD diagnosis a couple months later. just something to break me out of this routine temporarily and help me feel unburdened enough that i can do SOMETHING, y'know?

but in the meantime i feel like i just need to like. signal in some way that i am Really Going Through It, if only to counter my own instinctive efforts to always maintain this illusion of perfect functionality and never cause any problems or allow anyone to worry about me or be annoyed by me ever. professionalism be damned, i make art for a living, i do not have the luxury of separating my job from my self-expression and trying to pretend everything's going smoothly in terms of work will always kinda inherently come at the cost of trying to convince myself it's going smoothly in my personal life too. to some extent i suppose MOST people don't - the shit that affects you at home is gonna affect you at your office job too, sooner or later - but in my case the false wall of work-life balance is like a two-way mirror, because drawing is also my most treasured hobby and lifelong source of comfort, and any outward-facing concept of professionalism i construct only exists for my audience. there's no fooling myself with this stuff, it's all i have and all i do and the only difference is that sometimes people pay me for it so it becomes "work", but not the kind i get to clock out of at 5pm on weekdays. if i'm going to talk about what i'm going through and be open about my feelings at all and encourage people to see me as a living breathing person, it inherently is going to make me look like i'm also complaining about my job, because my job is to make art and my art (paid or not) conveys a part of who i am. i cannot present myself as brand-safe and a human being at the same time, at least not without driving myself (more) insane

anyways this isn't an essay or anything, i don't have a conclusion? thank you for being here i guess. i feel like i'm at least breathing like 5% easier after getting all that rambling out of me, so that's something at least? i will now go buckle down and try to finish my remaining art obligations and then hopefully when that's done i will make a responsible choice and wait long enough before piling more work onto myself to just like. breathe for a sec and seriously consider if there's perhaps a better way to be doing what i'm doing so it does not make me crumble into dust. and also maybe pick like ONE life-shattering realization or crisis to poke at a little bit, if i feel up to it. hey btw did you know this whole post was originally going to just be a very short one where i half-jokingly reflected on the possibility that i might actually be autistic, but then started thinking way too much about why my brain refuses to latch onto that thought and keeps pushing it aside with a big stick labeled "who cares, i'm tired" and this post happened instead. yeah. anyways that's the most recent small addition to The Pile in case you were curious, yippee

[zannolin]

thoughts on aslan

you'd think with all my crazy religious trauma and my various agonies over narnia and my full body cringes every time mr staples lewis gets too heavy handed with his allegory in the books that i wouldn't like aslan but like. my god i love that bastard. i am so, so fond of him. he's actually one of my favorite characters ever to write, not just within the realm of narnia. it's like i have a little aslan in my head feeding me dialogue whenever i get to one of his scenes and he's just soooo satisfying when i feel i've gotten him Right. and also it's immensely cathartic to take the god stand-in i was obsessed with and adored as a kid and have him be affirming of being different and queer and whatnot.

(an aside: i actually was afraid i was being far too self indulgent writing a scene with that in my peterfic, that it wasn't serving anything but myself, but i've had enough people tell me that scene was so impactful for them that i think now it's completely justified and also like. fuck yeah this guy needs to be told it's okay to exist jfc!)

funnily enough aslan was actually sort of the genesis to me erm fallingggg out of christianity. i read voyage of the dawn treader when i was a kid and old enough to understand "this is jesus, metaphorically and/or literally" and i was just SO upset about him saying the pevensies couldn't come back to narnia (my insanity over peter & susan had not manifested yet; i was like eight or something) i was in this state of rage like this isn't FAIR and doesn't make SENSE and i HATE IT but i had a crazy guilt complex over it the way only an eight year old christian girlie can lmao because i was like no i can't disagree that's god! and that's how i started questioning everything about christianity. or the very first instance of it which did not fully germinate until later. the irony of this is not at all lost on me and i did in fact write about it in a nonfiction piece for class earlier this year.

anyway. sometimes i would like to scream because when aslan's at his worst he's like realllyyyyyyy at his worst (incredibly heavy handed metaphor that makes you wanna put down the book and just fucking leave if you have issues with christianity in Any way) but also he's just SUCH a fun character to write who can be so incredibly emotionally resonant, and i wish i could hug him, and them casting liam neeson to voice him was the most brilliant bit of casting they ever could have done i think.

you will also be amused to know i was deeply upset to find out jesus wasn't Actually a lion.

thoughts on ???

[poetry-protest-pornography]

This is very rambly-y because I am very tired, so bear with me, but I can't stop thinking about Jack and Joker.

Specifically, about Jack and Joker and the absence of choice

Do I wish Jack had time to confront Joke's absence from his life and feel that pain, absolutely (I argue that he got to speed run that experience in that moment right after Amma said he'd been taken, but it would have been infinitely more satisfying to have it drawn out. To find a shirt left behind, or an empty place on a table)

I wish he'd had to sit with that, and feel that grief and regret, and gone to bring Joke back to him only to find him missing.

I wish Joke had time to get angry, and that Joke's self flagellation had been given more acknowledgement and resistance than Hoy and Arun trying to stop him from physically hurting himself, because Joke has spent most of his life taking all the blame for every wrong thing, and I don't think anyone has ever told him that they shared or took responsibility for a wrong that Joke felt culpable for (with the exception of his dad, when he apologized at the school, which Joke immediately shut down and minimized and emphasized his own fault).

BUT

So much of this show is about the choices we don't have, and how we live in the space between those choices we don't get to make. The friends we make and keep, the little joys we find, the family traditions we keep up with.

The stories we tell ourselves to get through each day (here I'm thinking about Joke and his forgiveness campaign, and Jack and his 'this is for my grandma and my community' narrative, and Save and his 'i have to do this for Hope' that lets him justify his bad acts, and Tattoo trying to make something useful, and Hoy believing in the good of his friends, and Arun adjusting his whole life to fit into this new family, and Rosé telling herself she's a good person and not like those 'other' rich people, and Amma just loving her grandson and all her bonus grandkids).

And, crucially, Joke is one of the only characters who we see making choices that he isn't forced into by circumstance. (Sort of, but that's a whole other thing)

He chooses to be a thief to try to help expose corruption (and to get his parents attention, but that doesn't work until it does).

He chooses to help Jack, and when that has bad consequences for Jack, he chooses to turn himself in.

Joke chooses to pursue Jack in order to apologize -- he devoted 5 years of his life to the sole purpose of atoning.

He chooses to help Tattoo and Hoy. He chooses to live with these people and become a part of their lives. He chooses to work for forgiveness. He chooses to give up everything, if it means Jack is happy.

He chooses, and he still loses. He still hurts himself and the people he loves.

And Joke deserves to be chosen, this time.

He deserves to be fought for, and to be told that his pain matters. He deserves to know that he is worth choosing.

And I get that it feels like we might not see that -- that Joke might not get to hear that.

BUT

I think the show has left space for all of that.

I think that Jack -- Jack and all their friends -- coming for him means something.

Jack claiming him as his boyfriend, immediately and without hesitation, while defending him, means something.

The two of them facing Boss together for the first time, instead of coming at it from different angles and keeping secrets from each other while trying to solve The Boss Problem, means something.

I have not been disappointed by this show (hurt deeply, yes, but not disappointed!) and I don't think that they'll do it in the last episode either.

I think we saw Jack realize it was time to step up and give Joke the unwavering support and devotion that he gave to Jack, and that we are going to get the emotional payoff that we -- and Joke -- deserve, and that our happy ending will be emotionally satisfying and cathartic for us as an audience, and for these characters who so deeply deserve it.

Joke wants to move forward with honesty, and that doesn't just mean no lying; it means sharing what you're feeling, something they've both struggled with, and both promised to do better with. And both failed at.

But we've still got a whole episode left to see them choose each other, and to make sure that Joke knows he is loved as he is, and for Jack to get to apologize, and I think we're going to get it.

[miyamiwu]

Rewriting what I said in the VeiFei server to be more coherent, but here’s how I think the Yingdu Finale will go: It has to end in a Cathartic way. Not just Shocking. Not just Tragic. Cathartic.

I’m not gonna try to predict what is gonna happen because Link Click can always manage to shock us in new ways. But as a writing major, I can at least look at the writing techniques Yingdu have used so far and infer through it how the story can be best resolved.

And one thing that really strikes me about Yingdu is that, unlike S1 and S2, its fan service is blatant and aplenty. This is not necessarily Bad, but the pattern I’m seeing in Yingdu—but isn’t present in S1 and S2—is that all of its characters must undergo an “Awesome” moment. It’s not enough for the scenes to simply serve the plot and the themes. It must also be Cool, Peak, Emotionally Satisfying—whatever you call it.

It seems the goal in Yingdu is to instill in the viewer Strong Emotions. It’s not really about giving us all the clues and making us figure out the mysteries. (Remember all those complaints about Yingdu being full of “fillers” and having “no plot”? This may be why.) Yingdu has never been about the What—because we already know CXS dies—but the How—how hard can they make our hearts break?

Now, what do I mean by an Awesome moment? Here are some examples:

Cheng Xiaoshi threatening to hurt Vivian if she hurts Lu Guang

Qiao Ling dramatically telling Cheng Xiaoshi that it was his mom who doesn’t want him to go

Liu Xiao pointing the gun at Xiang and turning the game on him

Xia Fei whining on the phone, but moments later tells his haters a big “Fuck you”

Vein’s hype entrance at the end of YE3

Vein stopping that stone from hitting Xia Fei before proceeding to obliterate everyone in YE4

Cheng Xiaoshi, as Wang Qing, yelling at his dad and putting him in place

All these moments can be considered Awesome. It makes you feel “Yes!” It makes you wanna clench your fist and pull it down in excitement or triumph.

Since episode 1, the characters’ Awesome levels have been steadily rising. So for Yingdu to end in any satisfying way, they have to maintain or exceed those. No character should be Less Awesome by the end because that would instill a lot of negative feelings in the viewer.

Another way of putting this is that… Yingdu has constantly rewarded the viewer in an emotional sense, so by the finale our emotions would be at an all-time high. All of that emotion needs to be released, and since it’s the last episode they only have one chance to do it. There is no time for Yingdu to gently let us down by decreasing the characters’ Awesome levels first, so the remaining option is to either make them peak or let them go out in a blaze of glory. But whatever they choose to do, they must never, never drop the ball on any one of them.

That would inspire resentment.

Like, imagine that infuriating feeling you get when you read a story that could’ve been so good if it was just written a little differently, but there’s nothing you could do but lament its potential. No writer would want their audience to feel such a thing. Yingdu has to avoid that effect at all costs—which would be difficult because of the Awesome levels they’ve allowed to increase in a linear fashion. They’re already at the highest, so falling down would be even more dangerous.

To reiterate, the Yingdu Ending has to be Cathartic, and no character should be left as Less than how they started.

(However, this does not apply to Lu Guang because… well, he’s going through the terrors. But I reckon he will at least finally have his own Awesome moment in the finale for it to also count as Satisfying.)