#and sometimes the purposes of a particular use are fucking awful! and executed in ways designed to cause real damage + get away with it!

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

i feel like i should start making more of an effort, when i talk about something in a piece of media being Upsetting to me, to distinguish between 'cathartic' upsetting and 'gave me psychic damage' upsetting. sometimes i mean OUGH OW MY FEELINGS THIS FUCKS ME UP IN A MEANINGFUL AND RESONANT WAY, MY LIFE IS ENRICHED FOR BECOMING AWARE OF IT and sometimes i mean that it is genuinely distressing and i want to shake the creators and ask what the fuck they were thinking

[kbrick]

Sad Drarry Fic Rec List  😩

Hello friends!

Let me ask you this: Are you pissed off at the gorgeous spring weather? Do you wonder, sometimes, if the shiny new buds on the trees are mocking you, pretending to grow and flourish only to wither and die and crumble into dust a few short months later, serving as a cruel reminder of the temporary nature and futility of all things?  Is the sunshine giving you a migrane? Do you just want to claw your way back into the dead of winter so you can spend more hours in the suffocating darkenss, feeling the cold grab at you like a shivery precursor to the endless night we all have waiting for us on the other side of the veil? 

If you answered yes to any of these questions, do I have some fic recs for you! 🎉🎉🎉🎉

I’ve compiled a list of the saddest, most depressing fics I’ve ever read. They’re good ones, well-written, and sort of make you want to tear your hair out and rend your garments. There is hurt with no comfort. There is whump with no un-whumping. There is a lot of death, a lot of cruelty, a lot of awful, horrible things that happen to our beloveds in these stories.

And isn’t that just fun sometimes? Isn’t it sorta cathartic to just WALLOW on occasion? So, if you’re feeling over it when it comes to your own relentless, exhausting plod along the highway of life and want to see Harry and Draco suffer along with you, if you have too many boxes of unused tissues in your house, or if you’re simply looking for a good wallow, give these a go. You WILL regret it. But in the best way.

If you like your emotional trauma quick & dirty (fics under 10k):

Powerful Men by Frayach (E, 8.5k) - okay, look. I fucking love Frayach. But you’ve got to be in, shall we say, a bit of a mood for their stuff. Because although the storylines and lengths of their fic vary widely, one thing never changes: the fucking soul-deep darkness that permeates all their works. There are some happy ending fics mixed up in there, but plenty that aren’t, too, and either way, it’s gonna hurt. I like this one in particular for a few reasons. First of all, it’s told in first person/present tense, which is a tricky combination to get right but can be used to incredible effect, making everything feel immediate and close, like surround sound for the written word. Frayach nails it. We never even know the name of our narrator -- he’s just some random rent boy who happened to room with Harry for a while in this apocolyptic-type world where Voldemort won the war. According to our narrator, the big bad Minister of Magic has just been put down, and the world’s about to get better, except no. Not for our Drarry purposes it isn’t. This poor prostitute’s tale will make you wail by the end, once you’ve sorted through what, exactly, has happened.

Last Offices by @tackytigerfic​ (M, 6.7k) – you know this one’s going to be a toughie right away thanks to the summary. Basically, Harry’s trying to navigate a bunch of pureblood funeral rites for Draco while also grieving. Despite the depressing-as-fuck premise, this fic manages to be both heartfelt and bittersweet, mostly thanks to a collection of memories that Harry relives during the rites. The relationship between Harry and Draco feels much fuller than the length might suggest, and very, very real. Any idiot with a keyboard can make a Drarry lover a little sad by killing off one of our faves, but it takes a deft, masterful hand to really immerse you in the feeling of loss, to make your poor little reader’s heart heavy with it like it was your own. Tacky manages to do just that, navigating the pitfalls of both oversentimentality on one side and remoteness on the other to deliver this short but impactful rumination on death and legacy and carrying on.

Yours, Draco by FeelsForBreakfast (NR, 3.5k) – Draco writes Harry a series of letters before his execution after the war. The most painful part of this little heartbreaker is that these letters are so full of life. They are so Draco, the version of him that I adore, in which he is snarky and funny and a little bit rambly. His personality feels so big, so vital, that it seems utterly impossible to imagine the world without him. But, of course, that’s exactly what Harry must do.

I Am Your Shadow by eidheann (M, 3.1k) – let us step away from actual death for a moment to appreciate emotional death. In this fic, both our boys are suffering intensely in the aftermath of the war. Draco is a meek, terrified shadow of his former self and Harry can’t feel anything. Of course, their aversion to life causes them to crash into one another and they end up in bed together. The way Harry behaves afterward, and how Draco reacts to his behavior is devastating and also makes complete sense. It’s difficult to be too mad at Harry because he’s obviously traumatized himself, but still. It hurts. It hurts so much. The ending is left fairly open, so maybe there’s a HEA for these two messes? But given the extent of their trauma, I wouldn’t bet on it.

In Death’s Dream Kingdom by kedavranox (M, 7.3k) – Harry became the painter we all wanted him to become and is married to Draco, who fights crime. Hooray, right? WRONG. Because an enemy Draco’s made on the job attacked Harry and now Draco can’t stop until he gets revenge. It is so much worse than you think. So, so much worse.

The Death You Carry by @magpiefngrl (M, 2.7k) – It’s a second person POV cancer fic, so right away, you know this one’s going to leave a mark. Draco has a terminal illness and he’s living out his last days, and it’s devastating and devastatingly realistic. One of the worst parts is watching how Harry handles things from Draco’s perspective. Harry’s struggle is absolutely heartbreaking and beautifully rendered, and Draco’s feelings of powerlessness and rage will have you in tears. The fic is impactful because of how true it is to life - I mean, how many people are facing something like this at this very moment? Who doesn’t relate to this on some level? Not to be a downer or anything 🙂

Free To a Good Home by @onbeinganangel​ (T, 1k) – Dealing with the (natural) death of Draco is not like dealing with war trauma, as Harry soon finds out. It’s a lot less about nightmares and fear and a lot more about the gaping, empty chasm of his soul. He tries to manage his grief and his feelings while also having to deal with practical matters such as selling the house and giving away things he won’t need anymore, which only leads to more grief. This little 1k fic packs a lot of angsty punch throughout, but the last line had me spiraling.

The Kiss by Frayach (M, 5.1k) - I started this section with the Eternal Emperess of Drarry Darkness and I’m finishing with them, too. This little number made me stop reading Frayach for a good few months because I had such a strong reaction to it. It’s a mind-fuck, it’s terrible, it’s hopeless, it’s the WORST. And by worst, I mean best. It’s guaranteed to make you hate the world, the justice system, death, and basically everything else.

If you like your emotional pain to fully consume you and linger endlessly (long fics):

Brief Encounter by @maraudersaffair​ (E, 45k) – I’ve recced this fic before, and I’ll do it again and again until I the day I die. The premise is simple: Harry and Draco are married to the women they’re married to in canon. Then they embark on an affair with one another. Angst ensues, you know the drill. But this one is darker than most infidelity fics. Maruadersaffair does not gloss over the cruelties Harry inflicts on Ginny, nor do they make the relationship between Harry and Draco easy to witness, either. It’s all-consuming, passionate, and painful. The ending made me cry like a little bitch (more than once – I’ve read it a few times now and even though I know what’s coming, it still gets me. Damn it!).

 Dreaming Darkly by @quicksilvermaid (E, 40k) – holyfuckingshit, this fic. This fic is good. The whole premise is incredibly unique: Draco runs an illegal den of dreams, hidden behind a pub. He uses his legilimency to give people relief from real-world hurts, to take them to a place where their children were never killed, where their lovers never left them, where the world is beautiful and bright once more. Auror Potter, of course, is on the case. Not that he’s been assigned the case, mind, because this version of Auror Potter is not exactly winning at life or doing much to impress his bosses. But he is determined to find out what Malfoy’s up to anyway because, come on guys, it’s Malfoy. This could be an adorable little rom-com story, but OH BOY IT IS NOT. Prepare to go to the dark side. Prepare to cry. Prepare to rail at the unfairness of it all and taste the tang of bitterness on your tongue. Because this one’s going to hurt like hell.

Beautiful World by Lissadiane (M, 70k) – I’ll just tell you, because Lissadiane tells you in the tags: Harry’s gonna die, guys. He’s gonna die, he knows he’s gonna die, and there isn’t a damn thing Harry or you or ANYBODY can do about it, and it’s sad and horrible and you just have to sit there and take it. Meanwhile, Draco gets roped into spending Harry’s last hours with him and, of course, they have the most beautiful realizations about each other and it’s all very romantic. If this was a GallaPlacidia fic, first of all, it would be Draco dying, but second of all, the boys would kiss just before the curse finished Harry off and all would be well and love would save the day. This is not a GallaPlacidia fic.

Nightingale by michi_thekiller (62k) – From what I understand, this was a fandom classic back in the day (at least for those who liked to cry a lot). I read it about a month or two into my Drarry addiction, and I’ve thought about it ever since. Not to be overly dramatic, but it really did make me question my own sense of morality and the difference between right and wrong and what, exactly, makes a person culpable. In this story, Draco was tortured during the war, and is now situated in full-time care because he has the mental capacity of a child. Before the war, Draco and Harry were romantically involved, in that I-love-you-I-hate-you sort of way. It involved a lot of rough sex, and a stinging emotional closeness that they never discussed, and then Draco left school. Harry resents the hell out of Draco for not defecting and letting the Order protect him. He also harbors feelings of guilt over the whole thing and those feelings threaten to crush him throughout. He’s angry and sad and so, so lonely that it hurts to read about it, and when he takes Draco out of care and brings him home to stay with him, he feels like it’s the first good thing that’s happened to him in forever. But he wants the old Draco back. Only that Draco no longer exists, and the one in front of him is defenseless as a lamb and so, so innocent. MIND THE TAGS and prepare to have this haunt your dreams for months if not years. PS, if anyone wants to discuss their OWN trauma after reading this fic, please let me know. I’d like to start a support group.

Stop All the Clocks (This Is the Last Time I’m Leaving Without You) by @firethesound​ (M, 44k) – how could I not include this fic? I’ll be honest, though - I almost didn’t, because I didn’t want to read it. I put it off for a long time. I didn’t want to read a long fic where one of our boys was already dead, you know? Because that sounded depressing! And guess what? IT IS! And guess what else? It’s also worth it, because it’s an incredibly well-written story that rings truer than almost any rumination on grief that I’ve ever read. If you’re putting this off for the same reasons that I was, I get it. But it really is as good as everyone says it is. I will never stop thinking about the cup set out on the table under stasis. Never. On my death bed, I’ll be thinking about that damn cup. And ffs, I need to stop thinking about death!

Anyway, does anybody want to recommend some nice fluff? Pretty please? I think I broke myself reading all this shit.

[ato-matsuri]

On Agartha

Been a while since I’ve written a long text post, most of all one about Fate. It honestly inspires a lot of rambling in me, after all. But I don’t think, this time, it’s due to its good writing, the emotions it makes me feel, or anything good. This, my friend, is about Agartha. I should probably prelude that this contains a metric shit ton of Agartha spoilers. If you haven’t seen Agartha, and you’re actually wanting to see the story -- scroll past. But, having played through Agartha completely and rested on the story for a bit, I think I want to repeat what everyone else has for ages lol.

Agartha, on paper, is incredible. A subterranean world built off fantastical story off fantastical story, made by a woman known for her ability to weave story after story, within stories, on the fly, and from a database of every possible Arabian Nights tale. Where the fear Scheherazade has due to Shahryar's endless abuse and fearmongering has stretched even to men as a whole due to literal years of having to survive Shahryar. Where the only leaders were queens, where the only rebellion force was a man so horrifically corrupt that he'd easily fall for the tricks she played. Her intent -- to reveal magecraft forever, removing any power magecraft has, saving her from ever having to fight and face kings -- and die -- ever again. That... sounds pretty good when I describe it that way, huh? Now if only it were executed with any modicum of sense.

From the beginning, Agartha's writing struck me as remarkably odd. It was like I was watching someone desperately try to emulate Nasu's writing style -- but had absolutely no idea what made Nasu's writing so good. Its exposition dumps, rather than being interesting, ended up being thoroughly boring -- as they focused on the mundane, like the fact that moss glows to light up the landscape -- instead of the magical implications of a world like Agartha even existing to begin with. Albeit, with the mystery of Agartha at that time, we can safely assume that there wasn't much to focus on, but then why spend so damned long talking about this stuff?

The worldbuilding, while passable, feels fairly flawed in execution. The idea of a world made the way Agartha was could've made for some interesting commentary about the way men treated (and still do treat) women in modern society, but Agartha not only misses the point, but tumbles head-over-ass into the uncanny valley and makes the whole thing sound like a continent-wide BDSM session. There's barely any actual subtle or well-done symbolism to showcase misogyny in this way -- and while hyperbole can serve a good point at times, the hyperbole combined with the strangely sexual writing of these segments makes it feel less like commentary and more like a badly-done doujin.

For example -- El Dorado was as simple as it gets. Men are slaves/breeding machines/whatever. The whole 'breeding machine' thing is played off extensively, even with Penth -- a minor at this stage, mind you -- comments on using the protagonists as such breeding machines. I'll come back to this later, because this serves as another point.

Ys was a fucking cool concept -- a world ruled entirely by rampant consumerism and chaos. Men, in this world, are still second-class citizens, pretty much the playthings of the women around them. I say that Ys is the best kingdom comparatively, as it was at least more bearable than its other kingdoms, but it still felt weirdly sexual in its writing tone. Of course, following tone, Dahut (who I'll get back to later) smashes men constantly, and is very keen on fucking Guda as well, following a trend. It's played for comedy, mostly, but it's still uncomfortable as all hell. Even so, I note it's more bearable because it's a very slightly more subtle take on the whole 'misogyny' allegory -- these people are using men for basically whatever they want, and tossing them away after. I'd compare it to a few true crime cases of people who murdered, or assaulted women for no good reason at all, purely out of a want that was either denied (for good reason), or that the want itself was to inflict harm. While the allegory still does feel unintentional here, it's at least slightly less unintentional. It was probably mostly just by accident due to Agartha's generally uncomfortable writing style, but the allegory here feels a little more potent when it's not so blatantly a BDSM fic.

I hate the Nightless City, despite it again being a cool concept. A 'utopia' where speaking out at all means death -- where men are in concept free citizens, but in practice fall victim to the law if they look at someone funny. Again, in concept, great allegory. The law does not treat men and women the same -- and while it differs depending on the case which is preferred, the vast majority of the time, women are pretty much shafted by the legal system (see Brock Turner), especially in very conservative areas. Cases can be made for both genders being shafted, of course -- but for the purpose of this allegory, picking out the prejudices of the legal system against gender is a fair critique. But, like everything else Agartha does, these neat ideas fall flat in practice.

They barely touch at all on the allegory, and nobody seems to even realize it in the cast, making me further believe the allegories aren't intentional at all. In due fact, it's as if the writer didn't even realize that this could be read as an allegory. The men's plights make some sense, as they were yoinked out of nowhere into a world that hates them. But the Servants and Guda don't think about it at all past the 'wow men are slaves that sucks' -- barely even considering that this could be an allegory the world's creator made due to their own horrific circumstances. They do point this out, but to my knowledge, it's very late -- when Scheherazade's called on her bluff, only then is it ever mentioned, and only in passing at that. If anything, the fact they point this out so close to the ending makes the ending itself that much more insulting. But before I get to the ending, I think there's something else about Agartha that sets the scene for just how awful it is -- and that's the way the characters are written, and the dialogue that comes of it. For this, I'll split it up into the characters who portray this the most. I'll even describe their personalities in Agartha's context.

Guda: Crouching pervert, hidden Mash stan. A few non-sequiturs of Guda complimenting Mash despite the mood being completely broken by it. Guda's incapable of taking a situation seriously in Agartha, even when the world's basically due to be changed forever. They keep cracking jokes, creeping on Astolfo/d'Eon, and other such things even when people are literally dying all around him. For that matter, I clearly recall the scene where -- for no real reason -- Guda just changes gears with Mash in tow, and starts trying to decipher d'Eon's gender. There's absolutely no real context to this, nor any reason for Guda to do this. Further noted is the fact Guda has worked with d'Eon before, and should've probably realized d'Eon's situation by this point. The Nasuverse has always been a bit, er, behind on gender norms and such, but it's so prevalent in any scene with d'Eon it hurts -- especially in that particular scene.

Astolfo: Oddly enough, the most tolerable person here (sans one other person). Agartha's refusal to take itself seriously works remarkably well for Astolfo. And while Astolfo isn't exactly written well here either, the fact that Astolfo's always been a bit loopy makes them seem, well, more in character. They're responsible for some of the funnier moments in Agartha, with their input composing approximately 3/4 of the, like, seven or eight funny moments in Agartha proper. Even so, Astolfo's appearance sometimes hurts Agartha as much as they help it, probably since Astolfo is a bit of the reason Agartha won't take itself seriously.

d'Eon: Deserved fucking better. The previously mentioned scene was the worst offender by far in my eyes, with it coming out of fucking nowhere. d'Eon's paired with Astolfo as a buddy and fighting partner, which itself could've made for good material -- instead, d'Eon is constantly dragged into Astolfo's fanservice-y gimmicks, and d'Eon themselves are pretty often creeped on by Guda. I'd go out on a limb to say that d'Eon's implied dislike of gendered clothing (see the maid outfit) made their scenes wearing such outfits far more uncomfortable, especially with how distinctly sexual the Agartha humour is. I just hated it.

Columbus: I can't fucking believe I'm saying this, but Columbus was the funniest character in Agartha. And I don't even think that was intentional. Something about how unabashedly horrible he was caught me completely off guard -- I thought he'd end up sort of like Napoleon at a glance, someone whose Spirit Origin was completely changed due to Europe's collective worship of the dude -- but holy FUCK was I wrong. Something about the hilariously cursed faces Columbus pulls, combined with his loud-and-proud irredeemable evilness, made him a blast to watch -- and an even bigger blast to beat the shit out of. His, uh, toothy grin still cracks me up even a few weeks after playing it.

Penthesilea: One of a very large amount of people who really deserved better. She barely ever shows up -- and when she does, she voices her desire to turn Guda and co. into a breeding machine/slave (recall she's like. 16?), and pretty much throws the whole 'reasonable-ish zerk' thing out the window instantly, because Agartha decided to forego decent writing in favour of 'funny berserker hates achilles haha brrrrrr,' therefore losing pretty much all the characterization they could've given her. The lack of 'alternate views' that show her in greater detail make this far worse, which I'll go into later.

Dahut: God, wasted potential out the asshole! A woman who made an entire world that fucked around and needlessly consumed stuff, she's the epitome of such a belief. But that's all she is. I'd be able to forgive this awful writing if Scheherazade, who 'implanted' Drake onto Dahut, was a bad writer -- but she's fucking Scheherazade! Dahut's a completely flat character, who constantly tries to bed (and kill) Guda, and generally likes the idea of needless consumption. That's literally it. Again, could be explained if Dahut had difficulty keeping control of Drake's body and conscience -- but this isn't explored either! She's just a walking, talking missed opportunity.

Wu: God, look at her design. Do I even need to say more?! She falls under the same problem that the other rulers do -- shallow characterization, no opportunities to flesh them out, etc.

Scheherazade: She could've been so fucking amazing. Scheherazade's story is one ripe with interpretations the Fate series so loves to utilize -- and on paper, her character is amazing. It'd only be natural for someone like Schez to be this deeply traumatized after so many days on death's door -- not many could really get through that okay. The incredible storyteller who fears death, kings, and unconsciously, men as a whole -- creating Agartha as a subtle way of ensuring none of them harm her while she prepares her ultimate plan of revealing magecraft to the entire world. However, as with the other Agartha characters, she becomes cripplingly one-note. Bringing her fear of death above all else, she comes off as an unreasonable asshole, constantly freaking out about death and preserving exclusively herself to a fault. While one could argue it's partially due to a Pillar's influence, Phenex doesn't seem to have a hold on her at all -- it's a basic alliance, and nothing more, as the ending shows us. It just leaves her as a one-note death avoider, with no other character traits at all. I'd go into further detail, but I'm saving that for later.

Fergus: God fucking damnit, man. A literal child version of Fergus, who the entire cast constantly expects to sexually harass every woman in sight. He's a one-note flanderization of Fergus, just without the one character trait Agartha gave Fergus. It just makes him... boring, a character whose only character trait is his refusal to hit a woman. Like... Come on. The fact the entire team is so sure this literal child will start trying to hit on women is just uncomfortable to witness, and the fact he slowly starts gaining these traits feels less like him 'meeting his fate' as Fergus, and more like Agartha wants an excuse to sexually harass more of the cast.

The Fucking Ending I'm giving this its own category, because of just how much of a punch to the face it was. In short -- the plan to reveal magecraft is revealed, more jokes are made, bla bla bla. Agartha can't keep a serious mood at all. ...But the final few scenes take it to a whole other extreme.

Wu Zetian comes out of nowhere despite being squashed by Megalos earlier, stuffing Phenex into a pit of her weird water shit, placing Phenex in a state of 'life and death.' Child Fergus then sac's his own Spirit Origin to summon Fergus inside himself(???), thus gaining the power of Caladbolg to weaken Phenex enough for the player to destroy. ...However, Child Fergus just summoned Fergus inside his own body. So, what happens when you put Agartha!Fergus, a one-note sexual harasser, into the body of a child? You get the final scene of Agartha. For some reason, I guess you need more help from others to take out Phenex. To this end, Fergus decides to convince Schez to join their side. I'd like you to recall that FGO!Scheherazade is implied to have the trauma of Shahryar's abuse, sexual and physical, burned into her memory -- not just the whole death thing. In every form of the story, Shahryar abuses her in such a fashion almost nightly. It's to the point where Schez' first line of defence, and much of her skills, are as much oriented around storytelling as they are charm and seduction (moreso the former than the latter, albeit), because her defence mechanism was that as much as it was storytelling, to keep her abuser happy. This is a part of why Agartha is the way it is -- to keep such men away from her. Hell, there's not a single King in sight, save technically Fergus, and Chaldea's d'Eon and Astolfo. Fergus knows this. Hell, he heard this being called out. He's well aware how terrified she is. So, what does he do?

SEXUALLY HARASS HER. He claims she has to live to have kids. That men and women have to live to have kids. He claims that she should live, because he'd smash her. ...Now, that's insulting enough -- moreso, that it's played dead serious. Nobody even as much as calls him on such a shitty persuasion tactic, and nobody even mentions how awful it is to sexually harass a woman who'd been sexually assaulted at best for the better part of almost three straight years. AND IT. FUCKING. WORKS.

SCHEHERAZADE. IS IMPLIED. TO BE INTO IT.

And because of this, she's swayed to join the heroes and seal Phenex away for good -- giggling about how Fergus' worldview was partially correct even as she fades away. The epilogue features Fergus, sexually harassing Scheherazade ON SIGHT -- calling out 'tits on my 12:00' or whatever, as Scheherazade darts off. However, Schez isn't avoiding him due to trauma. She's avoiding it because, while she's into it, she doesn't want to 'die' so fast. This fucking ending highlights among the biggest issues with this damned Singularity. Even Blavatsky coming out of fucking nowhere to Deus Ex Machina a grail and help into Guda's hands -- despite seemingly being slaughtered by Columbus in a (admittedly a bit funny) way to get the base of the Resistance -- means nothing to me compared to the blatant slaughter of two characters at once. Fergus is a total horndog even outside of Agartha's reach, but he even notes he respects his partners' consent, and doesn't overstep his bounds if he makes them uncomfortable. Scheherazade isn't exactly trusting in the slightest, least of all in Agartha - she barely even begins trusting Guda due to Guda treating her with actual respect. Even then, she isn't actively prostrating herself for Guda in that sense, very likely due to the fact that's more of a defence mechanism to her rather than something she'd enjoy, due to extreme trauma. Albeit, Fate writing does leave the possibility in the air for Guda specifically, but that's very likely just due to Guda being Guda and being careful to treat her properly and help her than anything else (and also the whole 'self insert harem' thing, I guess, but that's a hell of a lot easier to ignore esp in contrast to Agartha) And yet, we see that epilogue, that butchers both of them in one fell swoop so badly that I almost ended up hating both of them. Agartha's biggest problem is that it tried to be deep and intriguing, while having the writing quality of the goddamned Valentine's events. It picked all the right characters to have an incredibly intriguing storyline, and fell flat because the author decided that playing sexual harassment, d'Eon's everything, and even the most serious scenes for comedy was more important than telling a story even half as meaningful as the chapters before it. Lo and behold -- to my knowledge, Minase wrote it. Of course he did. He chose the best, the most interesting characters he could find, and made them so fucking one-note that the story lost all its charm in moments. He chose to emulate Nasu without understanding what made Nasu's writing so good. He chose to make Agartha a laugh fest despite simultaneously trying to make it 'deep.' He chose to fall head-over-ass over a possibly interesting allegory into misogyny and fall right into sexualizing it to the point of feeling like a femdom BDSM fic. And go figure the only character he did decently was Christopher fucking Columbus. I have a hatred for Agartha I can't reasonably place anywhere else. Prillya was just as shitty, but I ignored it, because Prillya itself wasn't great, so of course the crossover sucks too. Valentine's events written by him weren't great, but whatever, it's a Valentine's event. Septem, written by someone else, was similarly not great. But it wasn't insulting. It simply wasn't great, and had a lot of wasted potential. But its ending wasn't out of character to the point of being insulting. Its story didn't make incredible mythological and historical figures too infuriating to like anymore. It didn't almost ruin entire Fate characters for me. Not the way Agartha did. I should probably contextualize that Scheherazade is among my favourite mythological figures. I introduced myself to her through Magi (lmao) due to further research into the base stories -- as well as a favourite Magic: The Gathering card, Shahrazad, which forced you to play a game within your game, like how Arabian Nights featured stories within stories.

Even in Fate outside of Agartha, I liked her. Her design didn't make much sense to me considering her character, but whatever, I didn't need to think too hard of it. It's just a design, and despite my hatred of Penth's design, I still love Penth as a character, so I can handle Schez. But Agartha painted her in such a way that all the subtlety and interesting parts of Schez went completely out the window. No longer was there any hidden references to the aftereffects of her life beyond 'i dun wan die,' and there was hardly an ounce of sympathy or kindness in her bones at all. While her being an anti-hero made some sense, especially as she was only a normal person with far above-average storytelling prowess, there was a point when she stopped being a 'good, but terrified person' and started being a complete asshole. And Agartha was that time. If it weren't for her Interlude, which redeemed her considerably, and Ooku, which did wonders for her character despite being written by Minase (as I believe Nasu was overseeing him at that point), I very likely would've never gone for her at all, despite my love of the myth. In Conclusion This rant is just to say that Agartha is bad. Horrific. Insulting, even. At every step where it could've been good, it tumbled head-over-ass into the most insulting, uncomfortable shit you could imagine. It failed to take itself seriously, and paced itself like a comedy event, but simultaneously acted as if it expected its audience to take it seriously. Like a clown brigade deciding to take on Les Mis, it loses all of its punch when every few lines is interrupted by a jab at Fergus, sexual harassment, or something that comes close to being cool before suddenly turning into a badly-timed joke, or suddenly becoming laden with dialogue so sexual it feels straight out of a porno. It's aggravating, awful, and with only brief reprieves of bareable comedy in between long, long lengths of hellish text and awful characterization. The only good part was the gameplay -- which, laden with interesting mechanics not seen elsewhere, was legitimately fun. My take? Avoid all Agartha cutscenes and plot, and just play the gameplay. The gameplay's fun, and if enjoyed on its own, would probably make for a far better experience than observing the story surrounding it. But good gameplay doesn't make up for a horrible story, especially in a game where plot is as important as it is in F/GO. Agartha's a pile of shit in my eyes, but that's ultimately only my opinion, and nothing more. If others have an opinion counter to mine, that's completely fine -- and don't let this analysis ruin your fun with Agartha if you enjoyed its plot. To be frank, I'd be happy if you enjoyed it where I could not. And if you think my takes are misinformed, or if I missed a spot (or overreacted to a spot), that's what the reblogs and comments are for! I'm definitely not the kind of dude who has the final say in matters like this -- this is only what I picked up. Thank you for reading!

[bryanastar]

How I (Accidentally) Write About Dark Subject Matter: Rough & Tumble Ramblings (Bonus Post)

I don’t like writing content warnings, not because I’m one of those losers that think they aren’t needed (because, believe me, they definitely are) but because it means I have to step back from my work and think about what the hell I just wrote. Now, in my teen writer eyes, there is nothing more embarrassing than thinking back to what you wrote and realizing that you need five different content warnings to fully prepare the reader for your work, and also remembering that you’re barely a rising Junior in high school. I end up having an out of body experience where I see myself and my work as a long and beleaguered r/I’m14andthisisdeep post, and it can make it hard to read back over my work to edit and submit.

Not that there’s anything wrong with darker subject matter. In fact, some of my favorite work to read contains some particular dark and disturbing content. But when you’re a young writer trying to submit your stuff, it can feel… a bit embarrassing. You feel like the stereotypical edgelord teen writing about edgy stuff for the sake of making the adults cry with your edgy edge.

The thing is, I don’t even intend to write about dark subject material ninety-nine percent of the time. It’s just a natural consequence of my intuitive (and rather impulsive) writing process.

I feel that—when it comes to writing about heavier content as a teen writer—there are two types of people: the ones who write about dark content on purpose, and the ones who write it by accident.

I think @shaelinwrites said it best when she wrote in a blog post that teens are often attracted to darker subject matter due to being at the age where we realize that the world is a far darker and scarier place than what we saw as children. Writing, therefore, is the safest way to explore this newfound knowledge and come to terms with it. This is why young writers who write dark subject matter on purpose do it.

But some, like me, do it on accident.

Let me explain. So I’m rather sheltered, as I suspect a lot of teen writers are. I’m not exactly the most world-weary person, despite knowing that the world is, objectively, pretty screwed up. Due to this, I can often add, on accident, some pretty screwed up material just for not thinking it through deeply enough.

For example, here was was my general thought process for my short story “Judith was Never Adopted”, a story that is, objectively, a about a young teenage girl getting left behind in the foster care system due to going through puberty and not being “adorable” any more, getting sexualized while in puberty, getting forcibly married to an older guy who sees her as an object, all the while desperately trying to reclaim the childhood she’s lost and feeling lied to by all the media that claimed that she’d have a lovely and charmed life after being adopted by rich and happy parents (also, spoilers):

“Gee, isn’t it funny that orphan girls in children’s books are often adopted by nice, rich families and get whole musicals dedicated to them, while orphans in YA and Wattpad books are often paired up with the older, assholic, ‘bad boy’ and probably have their lives ruined?”

“Wait… that’s a cool idea for a story!”

“How do I make the villain as awful as possible…? I know! He’s a twenty year-old gangster who has no scruples when it comes to hitting on teenagers, and he also has no problem with busting the kneecaps of literal orphans! That’ll really emphasize how crappy he is!”

“Why did the main character never come back for Judith? Uh… he was in the Iraq War? But why would he willingly join that conflict? Oh right! To pay for college! And he loses an arm, because the war has to have some consequence.”

“But why doesn’t he go to find her when he gets back? Well, uh, his foster mother is dead and his foster siblings are gone, so he has bigger crap to worry about first cause now he’s homeless. Also, the gangster left the city anyway and took Judith with him, and nobody really knows where they went.”

“There! Now to look over the draft! Wait… what the fuck have I written?!”

If this all sounds thoughtless… it’s because it is. To be fair to me, I usually realize pretty quickly that what I’m writing is dark and messed up (by, like, the second paragraph of this story, I really thought long and hard about it’s concept and went “oh shit”).

From there, I usually try my best to do right by the themes and concepts I accidentally introduced, mostly because it’s content that usually gets glossed over in other books that include it, or that is otherwise even romanticized! In fact, it’s anger at these storylines and characters not being treated well that usually inspires me to write the story in the first place!

I’d actually say I did a pretty decent job with this story considering that the first magazine I submitted it to accepted it a day later and praised the piece for its “insights into the psyches and circumstances of foster children.” And this was an adult-run magazine too—with adult contributors with MFAs in creative writing that should be able to write circles around me and my story ideas! They had no reason to be more forgiving of my piece just because I was a young writer! They had plenty of adult ones to pick from!

So yeah, I can be pretty blind to my own story’s content until it’s time to write, at which point I usually stubbornly try to stick with it. Part this is, again, just because I’m sheltered, but I think another reason I do this is because, like I mentioned earlier, I write about stuff that is usually conveniently ignored or downplayed in other works—especially children’s stories.

To give an example, let’s look at one of my favorite childhood movies: Matilda. Objectively, the plot of Matilda is about a severely neglected and abused kindergartener overcoming her abusive family with her equally abused and traumatized teacher, all the while forming a tiny found family with said teacher and moving on from their dark pasts together. Remove the magic and this isn’t a children’s movie; it’s a litfic novel that I know at least one person on this goddamn hell site it writing (not that that’s a bad thing).

Part of the, I guess, novelty of the work that I write is that I enjoy writing about tropes commonly found in children’s stories and contrasting them with I see as toxic or harmful tropes found in works for older teens. As a person who basically went straight from reading children’s literature to adult litfic, I’m fascinated (and somewhat horrified) by the difference in themes and ideas presented to children versus older teens—especially since those same themes and tropes seen in children’s fiction seem to bizarrely reappear in work aimed toward adults (A Man Called Ove is basically UP but without the magic—change my mind). The main difference between how adult fiction treats these subjects and how children’s fiction treats them is that adult fiction fully shines a light on how messed up these subjects are, while you can get away with writing about literal Nazis and genocide in children’s fiction (*cough* Avatar the Last Airbender *cough*) and have no one think it’s too dark or try to tone it down.

Due to this, I think I’ve already been conditioned to not see these subjects to be as bad as they really are, until I sit down to write about them and start to think about them more deeply! Looking back, I’m sure I could’ve written about the subjects outlined in my short story in a way that’s conducive to children’s fiction. Heck, you already have some of the base tropes: over-the-top villain, sad wittle orphans, and deep childhood friendships. Written in another way, I could’ve been the next Roald Dahl!

I’d also like to point out that I have nothing against these themes being explored in literature for younger audiences—in fact I think it’s necessary to teach children about these issues early. But I do think how we perceive certain media to be “kid-friendly” can cause us to forget how deep and nuanced the content in this “kid-friendly” media usually is, mostly due to much of the content having to be toned down as to not scar younger audiences (which is also important). The problem isn’t that this media is included; the problem is that we can sometimes forget how important these issues really are because they’re such common tropes in children’s fiction, which is a great disservice both to these issues and to the stories that include them!

This is also an issue present in YA media, but in a different way as some of toned down issues present in YA are executed in such a way that is actively harmful to teenagers (from the abusive and controlling “bad boy”, to the toxic “not like other girls” character that disparages femininity and promotes competition rather than support among girls). These are my favorite tropes to explore and tear apart in my own work because, when not viewed through a glorified or romanticized lens, they can actually form extremely compelling fiction due to the fallout caused to surrounding characters who have to deal with the bull these tropes and characters cause.

Of course, playing these tropes for what they are tends to lead to darker fiction by consequence, but, due to so many of these tropes being ironically extremely present in children’s and YA literature, many teens that aren’t myself also end writing about them because, really, they’re just writing what they know. This is how an entire generation of teen writers, including myself, ends up writing about content far darker than they realize by accident. We’ve been reading about these subjects for a long time, and now we’re just copying from the masters.

Wow, that was a long rant. Was any of it sensical? I don’t really know, but I still enjoyed writing it!

That’s all for now! See you next Tuesday for your regularly scheduled writing update!

[thecottageinthedark]

#whosebaby talks#blog policy#this goes double when it comes to pieces of media to which i have both reactions lmao#i worry sometimes that not being clear about it makes it come across as if i'm saying 'something containing upsetting subject matter is Bad#when in fact a lot of upsetting subject matter is critical to depict; diversely so and often#and i am fiercely protective of the rep that resonates with me#which a lot of people are extremely quick to label as A Disrespectful Depiction absolutely no matter how it's done bc they want it erased#and use 'well it's only valid if it's done *respectfully*' as the Shirley Exception; with no intention of ever letting one be Allowed#but in spite of that there *are* absolutely fucking horrible and incredibly disrespectful ways for Upsetting Subject Matter to be depicted#and that deserves well-informed discussion and criticism; starting from an understanding of the actual purposes of fiction#and what infrastructure and language and framing and technique is used to achieve those purposes#and sometimes the purposes of a particular use are fucking awful! and executed in ways designed to cause real damage + get away with it!#so when i'm talking about something being Upsetting in the psychic damage sense; i'm referring to that#and the fact that not only is it infuriating and upsetting to witness that process in action#it amplifies the already deeply emotionally loaded subject matter; which may already require selfcare to engage with even when cathartic#and then yanks away the catharsis and just leaves you blasted in the face by uncushioned unvarnished Oh Right This Horrible Thing Exists#Thanks for Shoving My Face Straight into Boiling Acid Asshole#anyway complicated feelings about it but yeah i feel like i should try to be clearer lmao#(this isn't just about depictions of SA; and abuse in the sense most people think of first when they hear the word)#(although it comes up in that context often)#(see: Big Screan at pretty much everything with the talking animals in sd/mi but especially the fucking asylum lmao)

i feel like i should start making more of an effort, when i talk about something in a piece of media being Upsetting to me, to distinguish between 'cathartic' upsetting and 'gave me psychic damage' upsetting. sometimes i mean OUGH OW MY FEELINGS THIS FUCKS ME UP IN A MEANINGFUL AND RESONANT WAY, MY LIFE IS ENRICHED FOR BECOMING AWARE OF IT and sometimes i mean that it is genuinely distressing and i want to shake the creators and ask what the fuck they were thinking