#this was done a while ago but i was working on this vid again and already had this gif made sooo

[flickering-nightfall]

boop

[nakylvr]

what do we think about needy sub!manon, because HEAR ME OUT, her being so needy and turned on, sending you pics and audios of her fingering herself thinking about you and moaning your name, sending dirty messages while you're at work, just because SHE KNOWS THEY TURN YOU ON and that will lead to her getting filled with your strap when you get home 🤭

god i love sub!manon so bad 😵‍💫

— SAY SO 👑

warnings/tags: language, nsfw content, sub!manon, dom!reader, slight mommy kink, strap on, masterbation, sending vids, praise

you had been at work since the early morning, trying to get everything done before your deadline you had for the end of the day. which meant you hardly saw manon this morning before you left. scribbling a quick note on her nightstand and heading out. it was now nearing the end of the day, and you were still at work, much to manon's dismay.

manon had been needy the whole day. texting you every other hour asking the same question of when you were going to be back, which usually took you another hour or two to respond. it had been over an hour since you last texted her back, when she came up with the perfect idea to get you to respond and come back home.

she changed into the lingerie set you got her a few weeks ago before grabbing her phone and laying down on the bed. opening the camera app, she holds the phone up to take a picture of her in the outfit. she sends the picture to you and waits to see if you respond.

your phone dings with a notification and you glance away from your screen for a split second to see that it's from manon and just reads "1 attached image" making you raise an eyebrow. picking up the phone, you open the message and your eyes subtly widen at the image.

baby, i'm at work. you text back.

she figured that'd be your response, which is why she was already pointing the camera down, recording, as she slips a finger into her wet heat. whimpering as she starts fingering herself, her eyes close and she moans your name when she slides a second finger in. "fuck...pl-please come home...i need you s-so bad, please mommy, 'm so wet for you," her moans get more desperate and whiny the more she talks, knowing how much it turns you on whenever she sends you videos of her touching herself. she stops the recording to send the video to you, not stopping her fingers as she lets out whiny moans.

your phone dings again, and you open the message to see a video attached. you glance around before playing the video and listening to it, your jaw almost dropping. you quickly press the call button on her name, which manon answers instantly, and you immediately hear her moaning on the other end. "you just couldn't wait, could you?" you whisper into the phone, collecting your things and getting up and leaving.

"no," manon whines on the other end of the phone. "you've been a-at work all day..."

"i'm leaving now," you tell her as you walk up to your car. "and you better have not came by the time i get there, understand?"

"okay"

you break multiple speeding laws trying to cut through traffic on the way back to the apartment. you fiddle with the key in the lock for a moment before getting the door open, tossing your bag on the table and letting the door close behind you. as soon as the door closes you hear noises coming from the bedroom, and you quickly walk over, opening the door. you're met with the sight of your girlfriend on the bed, legs spread and three fingers deep in her pussy, moaning out your name.

you walk up to the bed, crawling onto it which makes manon open her eyes and see you, gasping your name as she nears the verge of cumming. you tsk, shaking your head as you look down at her. "look at my poor baby, all worked up and needy," you fake pout as you speak. "you didn't cum, did you?"

manon quickly shakes her head. "n-no, i-i didn't," she replies past whimpers. "i-i swear."

you hum, nodding your head as you bring your hand down to pull her fingers out of her, smiling at the whine she lets out at the feeling disappearing. "don't worry princess, i'll make you feel good." you get on your knees and unbutton your pants, pulling them off to free the strap on you were already wearing. "c'mere, if you be a good girl and suck my cock i'll let you cum."

manon whimpers at your words, watching you undo your pants and reveal the faux cock underneath. she sits up a little, shuffling closer to you as she rests her hands on your thighs, looking up at you with her big brown eyes. you tap her cheek gently with your hand, grabbing the back of her head and nudging her closer. her lips part as she slowly takes you in her mouth, swirling her tongue around to get it as wet as possible, still staring up at you while taking all of it fully.

"there ya go, my good girl," you coo, pushing her hair out of her face. you thrust your hips, making her gag lightly and grip your thighs harder. you do it again just to hear that noise between a moan and a gag come from her as tears brink in her eyes, but she takes it. you do it one more time before pulling her off, a string of saliva connecting between while she takes deep breaths. "lay down for me, princess," you say, stroking her cheek softly with your hand.

she does as you tell her to, lying down on the bed as you situate yourself between her legs. you rub the tip of the strap up and down her slit before slipping all the way in, causing her to gasp in surprise as you give her no time to adjust before starting a fast pace. "f-fuck! oh my god- yn," manon whines your name, her arm reaching to grab your hand on her waist for some kind of leverage from the way you were pounding into her. "'ts too much!"

you slap her hand away when she grabs for you, grabbing both hands and pinning them on each side of her head, staring down at her watching the way she reacts. "this is what you wanted, isn't it? you were the one so fucking needy that you had to send me videos of you touching yourself while i was at work. you're gonna take it,"

all manon can do is moan and whine helplessly as you push the strap so deep that her eyes roll back, her mouth agape with loud, desperate noises coming from her. your tight grip on her wrists has her unable to move her hands which causes her to whine at not being able to touch you. she can hear your words and shakes her head, trying her best to respond. "i-i jus' wan-wanted-" she's cut off by a gasp when she feels the tip of the strap hit her g-spot, moaning loudly when you realize and keep hitting it. "fuck mo-mommy, please let me t-touch you, please," she begs shamelessly, not caring how she must sound right now.

you give in to her begging easily, letting go of her wrists that were now stinging lightly. immediately she wraps her arms around your neck, pulling you down closer to her as she kisses you deeply. moaning into the kiss, her nails drag down your back and scratching your skin. parting from the kiss, manon stares up at you with her brown eyes welling with tears, desperately moaning at the feeling of you filling her up so good.

"look at you," you smile down at her. "you look so pretty like this, my pretty girl. always so good for me," you coo, hissing quietly at her nails dragging down your back. "you close, sweetheart?"

manon nods feverishly, whimpering at your praising words that make her feel even closer to orgasming. "pl-please 'm so close, please let me cum!" her begging comes out more whiny as she nears the edge. her legs wrap around your hips, pulling you impossibly closer to her as she puts her face in the crook of your neck, whimpering into your skin.

you feel droplets of her tears hitting your skin, and you decide to give in, knowing how needy she had been all day waiting for you. "go ahead, sweetheart. you've been so good for me," you tell her, snapping your hips harder to get her to cum.

manon whines loudly into your neck, her body shaking as she finally climaxes after all day of not getting anything, a few tears falling from her eyes. she pants heavily against your skin as you slow down to a stop, pulling out of her slowly. a quiet whimper comes from her at the feeling, her eyes closing with tears resting on her lashes. she reaches out for you as you quickly take off the harness, grasping your arm and pulling you down to lay next to her.

"you okay?" you ask her softly.

"mhm," she hums, nodding her head as she curls into your side, resting her head on your chest. "i love you," she mumbles quietly.

"i love you too," you smile, pressing a short kiss on her head.

[xzaddyzanakinx]

Not That Kind of Guy

Part Fourteen: Stalker!Anakin Skywalker × femme reader series

Warnings: stalking, weirdo behavior, psychotic/delusional behavior, possessive/protective, sexism/misogyny, sexual content/fantasizing, pervy behavior, panty/scent kink, mask kink(Ghostface), gaslighting/manipulation, public/semi-public, spitting, cumplay, nude vids/pics, masturbation, oral, PIV, dick piercing, forced orgasm, bondage/blindfolds, biting/slapping/spanking/cutting, rape kink, NONCON/DUBCON/CNC, Somno, blood, knife, gun play, GEN. SMUT [all possible tags, not necessarily all apply]

Info: Ghost is whiny, He’s feeling petty, he told you so!![diary entries from Ani] extremely not proofread. Stalker!Anakin Character art (as Ghost) MDNI 18+

Diary Entry: September 2nd

I lied. I said I wasn’t mad at you, but I am.

It’s not like I tell you no to anything, so why wouldn’t you just ask me first? Are you just desperate for a moment away from me and too nice to tell me that? Running from your problems won’t help especially when your problem is me.

I did what I should’ve done a long time ago. A new software has been installed on your phone, very similar to the screen cloning software linked to my laptop. Only this one is active all the time, a constant feed of live audio that I’ve taken the liberty of flagging a few words within the code.

Anakin, hate, love, Ghost, annoying, angry… so on and so forth.

The software flagged several sections of audio within the timeframe of your drive to the cabin. I must say, I’m surprised about the things the two of you talk about, I’m never going to be able to look Han in the eye ever again.

I also lied to you about something else. I don’t work tonight, or tomorrow. I switched up my schedule with April for you, cause I have a little something planned for you. A little thing I’ve had tucked away, actually never intended on getting it out and doing anything with it really. It was a gift from Cliegg after there was a murder on the college campus last year.

Don’t worry, it wasn’t me that time.

Anyway, I think it might be fun. For me at least.

“Okay but I don’t get it.” Luke said, propping up his feet on the dash while you drove.

“What about it don’t you get?” You snorted, slowing to a stop at a traffic light. “I think it’s pretty self explanatory Luke.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t come equipped with a cooter and I’ve never, nor wanted, the opportunity to see one.” He crossed his arms and tilted his head back and rolled his shoulders. “I just don’t see the benefit.”

“First of all, it’s pretty.” Holding a finger up and adding a second, “second, it feels heavenly.”

“I am a gay man.” Luke scoffed, “Dicks aren’t very pretty. A little jewelry can’t fix that.”

“How does it even work? Does he have to take it out to piss? That’s inconvenient.”

“No!” You laughed, covering your mouth as you turned the dial to quiet the radio. “No, he doesn’t have to take it out. To answer your other question, it’s the metal balls on either end of the jewelry. That’s the point of the piercing you know? It rubs up-“

“Okay that’s enough, thoughts have been thunk.” He covered his ears and did a dramatic shiver of disgust.

“You asked!”

“I didn’t know you’d be so descriptive!”

“You described in great detail all about the massive ingrown hair on-“

“Oh my god! I told you never to mention that again!” Luke reached across the console and whacked you up the back of the head.

“I’m driving!” You squealed, your hand shooting out to the side and shoving his shoulder. “No, don’t you dare touch that radio! For fucks sake if that’s-“

“It’s ABBA.”

“Go to hell.”

———————————���————————————

After two hours you reached the small lakeside cabin that was to be your home for the weekend. A cute little place with a loft and two small bedrooms. The kitchen was… lackluster; a fridge and a stove with a whopping number of three cabinets. The living room however did have a pool table, which in Luke’s eyes made up for the fact that your sister beat him to claiming the loft room, because she’d driven separately and arrived before you.

You chose the room to the left of the living room and Luke chose the one on the right. The view from your window was beautiful deep forest green, leaves and moss and huge tree trunks. While Luke’s was the deep blueish green lake water, the occasional white wake following a boat zipping past.

After tossing your bag onto the floor in the general direction of the nightstand you jumped onto the squishy and super cheap springy mattress on the tacky ‘rustic’ log bed. Pulling up Anakin’s contact you tapped the call button and listen to it ring on speakerphone.

“Hey pretty baby.” Anakin’s rich timbre flooded the line.

“Hi Ani.” You smiled despite him not being able to see you. “Just got into the cabin and picked my room.”

“Oh you got to pick?” He said curiously, “you got the loft didn’t you?” You could hear his grin.

“No, my sister did.” You scoffed, “I thought Luke would have a cow over it but he decided the pool table here would offset his disappointment.”

“Pool table hmm?” Anakin tsk’d.

“Hot tub too.” You grinned.

“A fuckin’-“ he groaned and let out a loud huff, “a hot tub?”

“Yes sir.”

“Hmph.” He snorted, “someone finally taught you some manners huh?”

“W-what?” You asked nervously, bringing the phone closer to you and hopping off the bed to shut the door. “Manners?”

“You just called me Sir didn’t you?” He laughed. “Been taking some etiquette classes?”

“Oh shut up.” You breathed out a sigh, a breath you’d almost choked on. Your guilty conscience was really beginning to steam roll your daily life, even on your mini-vacay you can’t escape your wrongdoings. Ghost was still haunting you all the way out here.

“Just teasing doll.” He snickered, “Anyway, what’s on your agenda?”

“Nothing for tonight, probably gonna sit on the dock and have some drinks, do a little bonfire, hot tub maybe.” You told him, beginning to relax again.

“Drinks? Be careful baby. It’s not exactly safe to drink and get into a hot tub.” He chided, “I’m serious.”

“I know.” You sighed, rolling your eyes.

“Good girl.” He said, pleased enough with your response. “So what room did you say?”

“Oh! I didn’t actually oops. I got the one looking out into the woods, it’s real pretty, I’ll send you a picture after we hang up.” You said, shifting your weight to sit more comfortably.

“Aw thanks babydoll.” You could hear his little smile through his words. “Well, I should probably let you get back to it huh?” He sighed.

“If you wanna talk more-“

“I always wanna talk more but I don’t want to keep you from your fun.” He said a bit quieter. “Uh, just don’t forget to call and leave me a message before bed okay baby? I’d love to hear your pretty voice when I get off work tonight.”

“Okay Ani,” nodding even though he couldn’t see you. “I’ll talk to you soon then… I miss you.”

“I love you too.” He made a kissy noise and hung up quickly, leaving you with a frustrated, pinched brow that you reached up to sooth with the heel of your palm.

After snapping a quick picture of your view through the bedroom window, you rejoined your trio in the living room where Luke was teaching your sister to play pool. You stood and watched for a moment, seeing them bicker like they were just reminded you of how much you loved summer trips with them.

Growing up with a sister close in age to you was fun, except for when it wasn’t. She went to school before you did, made friends before you did. Of course you were only two grades behind, but there is a big difference between kindergarten and 2nd grade. She had always been happy to play with you until then.

So when she was meant to be paying attention to you, or at least making sure you were alive, while you were both outside… she was busy on the swing set in your backyard. Which is how you found yourself with scraped knees and (surely, most definitely) a broken ankle from your scooter.

A new family had moved in across the street from you not too long before the summer started, you hadn’t met them, didn’t even know they had kids, until you were being pecked on the shoulder by another child’s finger. After that, Luke was found wherever you were; glued at the hip was an understatement, your families were convinced you were soulmates, that you’d grow up to be married.

Jokes on them.

His sister Leia was outgoing and confident in ways that Luke lacked, so during that first summer she gravitated toward your sister. The twins became a binder, something that held the four of you together. Bridging the gap perfectly between kindergarten and 2nd grade as 1st graders.

It stayed that way, for the rest of your school years and after.

Your parents got along swimmingly, the four of you floated between the two houses. Nights often ending up with a pair of kids asleep in the floor, where one of those children did not belong. A quick phone call to the house across the street to make sure your sibling was there, then all was well and your parents would scoop Luke and you up and tuck you in.

You were seven the first summer your parents had the grand idea to spend a week on the lake. It was a tearful goodbye, kids who spent every possible waking moment with each other are not easily pried apart.

Your parents drove the full two hours to a cute lake house they’d found online and within the first 30 minutes of being there your father had enough of the sniffles and whines. By dinner time Luke, Leia and their parents were sitting around fire pit with you.

Thus your annual tradition was born and kept even after the horrid aftermath of Luke’s unexpected outing. Sans parents of course. Your father supported your mother even if his views didn’t fully align with hers. He was a ‘be gay, just don’t be gay in front of me’ type of person, while your mother was more of the ‘send him to conversion camp, he’s tainting my children’ type of gal.

That didn’t really jive with the whole ‘love and positivity’ approach that the twins parents had about the situation. Which leaves you where you are now, reminiscing on those happy childhood memories before everything got complicated, before you discovered the world outside of your safety net, before the consistent visits from your uninvited house guest.

A loud clap broke you out of the fog and suddenly you were hyper aware of your sister’s nose right in front of your face.

“Lauren!” You gasped, your eyes wide before softening into a grin.

“You’ve been staring into oblivion for a solid minute,” she giggled, “I thought about sticking my finger in your mouth but I was afraid you’d bite it off.”

“My mouth?” You asked confusedly.

“Yeah you’ve been catching flies, looking like a mouth breather.”

“Eew! Don’t call me that!” You scoffed, standing up and following her over to the pool table to discuss your evening plans.

——————————————————————————

Anakin watched your little blue dot travel back and forth from the cabin to the dock, he listened the chatter between the three of you as he drove the two hours out to the pine forest your weekend getaway was taking place. The mile long gravel driveway was perfect to stash his car off to the side of, no one would be coming in or out of the drive all weekend.

He walked through the woods, backpack slung over his shoulder, his hood up and mask on. It was 9:57 and the three of you were still on the dock. He could hear you talking about getting into the hot tub through the Bluetooth earbud he had in, that new software was really paying off.

He hadn’t planned to do this next bit, but he couldn’t help himself. He purposefully got his left shoe dirty, twisting his foot side to side in order even dirt for a proper footprint. Then he left his mark on the first step up to the front porch.

*ping*

‘Having fun?’

You laughed, picking up your phone and leaning back in your chair as you crossed one leg over the other and switched the sound off. You’d only had it on for when Anakin texted, and now he was. Or you thought he was until you realized the text came from your own number.

‘No. Don’t engage. He’s not going to know where you are, how could he possibly know?’ You thought to yourself. ‘I planned this in person, I told Anakin at his place not mine. All Ghost knows is that you’ve left for the weekend.’

You swiped the message away and let out a huff, deciding to take the opportunity to walk back up to the house and call your boyfriend.

“Guys I’m going up to the cabin, gonna call Ani.” You said, standing up and taking your hard lemonade with you. “Need anything?”

“Nope, we’re about ready to head back anyway.” Lauren answered, waving you off. “We’ll be up soon.”

With that you walked away, taking the worn dirt path back up to the house and dialed Anakin’s number, waiting for the voicemail to pick up your call.

‘Hey Ani.’ You smiled, crossing one arm across your chest to rest your other elbow on while you talked. ‘I’m probably not going to bed just yet, but I am going back up to the house. I just wanted to fill you in a little bit I guess.’

Once your shoes hit the gravel you absentmindedly kicked a larger rock off to the side, swinging out your leg and shifting your position to walk backwards, looking down at your sister and Luke on the dock.

‘We’ve been just hanging out all evening, made some sandwiches and had drinks by the water.’ You pivoted again as you neared the porch and looked down to ensure your footing before taking the first step up. ‘We’re going hiking tomorrow morn-‘

You scrunched up your face and took another look before backing away from the steps completely, your eyes scanned the porch and saw the cabin door was still shut.

‘Sorry, thought I saw something…’ you muttered into the phone, spinning slowly in a full circle to take a better look at the tree line. ‘I- okay, anyway. Going hiking tomorrow… probably swim too. There’s a canoe moored down there so maybe we’ll try that out.’

Off to the left of you behind your sisters car you swore you heard gravel crunching underfoot, but when you looked toward the dock, Luke and Lauren where still sitting there. You marched over to the opposite side and saw nothing, going so far as to look under her car and yours.

‘Okay well…’ You were certain now that someone was outside and you were not alone, your phone buzzed against you ear and you pulled it away to swipe away the message, not even registering the sender before holding your phone back up to your ear.

‘Uh alright well I’ll talk to you in the morning,’ you quickly walked back over to the porch steps and side eyed the footprint as if you’d expected it to disappear by now. ‘Goodni-‘

A strange feeling passed over you, the hairs on the back of your neck stood up and a chill ran down your spine like a drip of cold water. You were almost afraid to turn around.

‘I gotta go, Miss you bunches… goodnight.’ In your panicked state you didn’t have the same thought process you normally would, you’d simply ended the call and whipped your head around, expecting to find someone, something, that might’ve caused that hair-raising fear. There was nothing.

Breathing a sigh of relief you laughed at yourself. It had probably just been a rabbit, maybe you’d startled it and it kicked up some gravel. The footprint… it could have been there when you arrived, it could’ve been made by one of your group, including you.

You checked the message you’d swiped away and your blood ran colder than ice. Your rational explanations were bulldozed in seconds.

A picture of you, standing in the drive way, taken from behind your sisters car.

The breath was stolen from your lungs. Your sight was locked into tunnel vision, all you could see was the front door as you ran to it and pushed it open. Colliding with something solid and warm as you stepped inside.

Something living and breathing that gripped your hair and cradled you to its chest, something that kicked the front door shut and pressed a cold, blunt object to the temple of your head.

Something that made you want to scream.

Diary Entry: September 2nd continued

I have time to kill and nothing to do while I wait for you. So I figured I’d write alittle bit.

I’m currently sitting under a tree, watching you and your cute little ponytail swishing around while you giggle. You’re so beautiful. Everything you do is beautiful. I’ve never seen something as exquisite as you.

Maybe that’s part of the reason I want to ruin you so bad. Leading you, my innocent doe, down the path of corruption could quite possibly be my life’s work. How would you like that sweetheart?

You wanna be my magnum opus?

Though of course we do have the one small identity issue to take care of. I need to get my shit together and figure out what the fuck I’m going to do. It’s not like I can tippity tap it into Google: ‘how to tell my girlfriend I’ve been stalking her for almost a year’.

No thank you. I don’t trust WikiHow with the fate of my love life.

Let’s be for real. I don’t even trust myself with the fate of my love life because I’ve already managed to fuck shit up. I’m continuing to fuck shit up. What I’m about to do? It’ll fuck the fuck out of the shit.

What can I say other than love makes people do crazy things?

“Ghost.” Your voice was wobbly and unsure. “Is that a-“

“Gun? Absolutely.” He grunted, pressing the barrel into your skull.

“What are you doing? They’re gonna be back soon, you can’t be here!”

“I came to chat.” He said simply, leaning his head down to put the cheek of his mask against your warm skin. “I missed you.”

“Did you miss me? Is that why you left your boyfriend back home? Wanted to let me have you all to myself for a weekend?”

“No!” You snapped at him, twisting your head away from his.

“Heard you on the phone.” He cooed, “still can’t say the L word? Why’s that?”

“If Luke sees you… my sister- they’ll call the cops, you know that.” You pushed against his chest and felt it rumble with a low laugh beneath your palms.

“Stop deflecting, answer my question.”

“I told you I wasn’t going to talk about Anakin with you!” The whisper left your lips tainted in unease.

“I’m aware. That’s why we aren’t talking about it. You’re going to tell me.” He barked, holding you close to his chest and walking backwards toward your chosen bedroom.

“N-no, I won’t. That’s not fair.”

“It’s not fair?” He scoffed. “I don’t care if you think it’s unfair.”

“How did you find me?!” You wriggled from his arms the moment he closed the bedroom door.

“I know everything about you baby.” His voice low and much too confident for you to believe anything otherwise. He looked relaxed in the way that he reached behind himself and locked the door, leaning back on it and crossing his arms, one long leather finger running parallel to the barrel of the pistol.

“I just wanted one weekend!” You shouted taking off your sneaker and throwing it at him, he gave you no reaction and it only pissed you off more. “Just one!”

“One weekend away from you! I know you can see everything on my phone, you see and hear everything I do, why do you think I wasn’t the one planning this trip? I didn’t want you showing up here!” Yelling at him in a way you never had before as you stalked toward him with your other shoe pointed at him. “I don’t want to talk about Anakin with you! I don’t want to tell you how I feel!”

“Do you want to know how I feel?” He asked calmly.

“I don’t give a shit!” You chucked the shoe at him and he batted it away easily.

“I think you do.” The gun raised up to his mask as if he were scratching his forehead with the barrel. “I think you care a lot and that’s why you won’t tell me.”

You didn’t answer, because he was right. You did care and you did care a lot. You’d been avoiding telling Anakin you loved him to spare Ghost the hurt of having to hear you say it to someone else.

“No.” You stuttered, hesitating and hating the taste of the word on your tongue.

“Don’t lie to me.” He barked, holding out the pistol and motioning for you to move. “Kneel. Now.”

“Gods, seriously? Put your arms down, you idiot.” He scoffed as he watched you lift your hands and put them behind your head like you were being arrested as you knelt down slowly.

“Well I’m sorry. I’ve never been held at gunpoint before.” You snapped, scowling up at him.

“I’m so lucky to have to honor of being your first then.” He grumbled, tucking it into the back of the waistband of his jeans while pulling the pink silk from his pocket and tossing it at you.

“What the fuck are you looking at?” His voice gruff as the toe of his shoe tapped your knee. “Put it on.”

Ghost shook his head, undoing his belt buckle, the tail end of the leather now forever imprinted with your teeth marks. You did as you were told and heard his pants unzip along with a soft grunt.

“How many fingers am I holding up?” He asked, holding his flat palm out to the side to make sure you couldn’t see, rearing back to slap you.

“How should I kn-“ *smack* “ow?! What the fuck?”

“Just making sure.” He snickered, taking off his gloves and putting them in his hoodie pocket.

“Asshole.” You mumbled.

“What was that?” He asked with a playful tone. “You want me to fuck your asshole? Is that what you said?”

“Shut up. You know that’s not what I said.” You muttered, unable to keep your lip from curving upward just a fraction of a centimeter.

“Ah well, the offer still stands.” He chuckled, tapping the side of your jaw with the cold metal barrel of his pistol.

“You’re making me nervous waving it around like that.” You huffed, jerking away from it.

“Good.” He snorted, “open your mouth.”

You did exactly that, thinking you’d feel the warm weighty head of his cock hit the tip of your tongue. Hoping for a taste of the salty precum that wept from his cockhead. You weren’t expecting something small, cold, metallic and pellet shaped.

“Don’t swallow; this is the only time you’ll ever hear me say that so you better listen.” You could hear his smarmy grin. “Roll it around, you feel that?”

“Mhm.” You nodded, feeling the smooth metal and the grooves carved into it, opening your mouth again and he plucked it off the tip of your tongue.

“Your initials, or well… what your initials should be.” He mumbled the last bit.

You hear a series of mechanical and metallic noises, followed by the unmistakable sound of a firearm cocking back.

“You did not just-“

“I did.” He snickered, holding the gun sideways and pointing it directly in the center of your forehead. The blunt edge digging into your flesh and pressing down against your skull.

“Spread your fingers.”

“Why?” You asked as you splayed your hand.

“Do you have to question everything?” You felt thick metal circle your middle and ring finger, dropping to the base of each digit, barely making any contact with your skin on its descent. It really put in perspective just how much bigger than you he was.

Even more so when you felt his warm, calloused fingertips weave their way between yours and squeeze gently. The tender gesture did nothing to quench the fear sitting heavy on your chest. A loaded gun, a loaded and ready to fire gun was about an inch from your brain.

“C’mon, you don’t want to talk? Not even like this?” Condescension dripping from his lips. “Loaded gun to your head and you still won’t talk about your feelings.” He tsk’d.

“It’s not your business.”

“See that’s where you’re wrong. We’ve already had this discussion haven’t we?” He crouched down in front of you, air rushing past from the quick motion. “It is my business. You were mine first.”

The curved edge of the barrel traveled down your forehead, across your cheek and rested heavily on your bottom lip.

“Give it a kiss for good luck little doe.” Ghost spoke low and steady, almost monotone. Considering your situation you did as you were told once again.

“Good girl.” He stood back up and pushed the waistband of his boxers down by hooking his thumb beneath the elastic. “Now get to work, bitch.”

His tone had changed again, now a sharp and hard edge that smacked you like a cold wind. Emotional whiplash was to be expected in every encounter you had with Ghost, but none so far was as bruising as this.

He’d never brought a gun to a knife fight before.

You hesitated for a moment longer than he was willing to wait, so he dropped your hand, the small bit of comfort he’d allowed you to have. Grabbing the back of your head and forcing his swollen cockhead past your lips, cool metal returning to the center of your forehead.

You gagged and spluttered around his length, the hot and leaky cockhead bruising the back of your throat. Ghost seemed to love the sound, loved feeling you cough and try to gasp for air, his hand tightened in your hair as he let out a loud and gravely moan.

“You suck cock so much better with your life on the line.” He laughed, pulling you away from him and releasing your hair. He watched you cough and wipe drool off your chin and neck with the back of your hand.

“Ready to talk?” He asked, his breathing heavy and uneven.

“Fuck you.” Spitting the words out with venom.

“Sorry sweetheart that’s not on the agenda tonight.” You felt the rush of air before his palm made contact with your cheek, your hand immediately lifting to cradle it and feel the heat radiating from the irritated flesh.

“C’mon doe, I don’t have to be mean about this.” He barked, “Just use your big girl words.”

“L-Luke’s gonna be back up here any minute.” You stuttered, lifting your head in the general vicinity of where his would be.

“You realize you’re only making this more difficult for yourself right?” He asked, not giving you the opportunity to answer when he fisted your hair and forced your lips to meet the tip of the barrel of his pistol.

*shk* *click* **click** nothing.

Before you had time to process the fact that he had just pulled the trigger of a loaded gun in your mouth, you were being choked and not given any hope for breathing. His forefinger and thumb tightly clamped over your nose and his cock lodged in your throat as he fucked your face. Instinctively you tried to draw in a breath, accidentally breathing in saliva, making you cough so hard that Ghost had no choice but to back off.

“Ghost...” You dry heaved on your hands and knees. “I’m n-not gonna tell you.”

“What’s it gonna take huh?” He asked angrily, you could hear the sound of clothes rustling just before he lifted you up and shoved you over toward the bed. “What’s it gonna take for you to admit that you love me?”

“I don’t!” You yelled, taking off the blindfold and tossing it aside.

“I didn’t say you could take that off.” He snapped at you while pulling his gloves on, snatching the ring off your middle finger and shoving it down in his pocket. He whipped his head around toward the door suddenly.

“Shit.” He shoved the gun in the back of his waist band and grabbed his bag without explanation.

“What?” You asked sitting up on the bed.

“Gotta go.” He grumbled.

He grabbed the blindfold and slipped it back over your head, grabbing your jaw and tilting your head back, his lips met yours in a soft embrace. His tongue piercing gliding across the slit between your lips before pushing past them slowly, the taste of cigarettes and gum flooded your senses. He hadn’t tasted like this last time he kissed you.

He took one of your wrists in a gentle grip and brought it to his cheek. Ghost kept a loose grip on your wrist but he allowed you to feel the smooth skin beneath his eyes, your fingertips collecting the smallest amount of moisture in the outer corner of his eye.

He was crying.

He broke the kiss, your lips begging to stay connected to his. As much as you hated to admit it to yourself that kiss felt like home. The fact that he was shedding tears was unsettling, the car crash that was this relationship had officially gone beyond whiplash and into ‘trapped inside, in need of the jaws of life’ territory.

He took the same hand and pressed it to the center of his chest and left it there to put both his gloved hands on either side of your face, pressing his lips to your forehead. Their warmth left your skin and you immediately wanted it back.

He took the blindfold back off and smoothed out your hair quickly, putting the silk in his pocket and putting up his hood. The mask back where it belonged, those black pits where his eyes should be held an emotion that was pouring from every inch of his being. You felt like he was staring through you and straight into your soul. He stood beside the window with his bag slung over his shoulder. Who knew such strong emotion could be felt… seen, without ever laying eyes on the person emitting those feelings.

“Lock your window back.” He nodded toward you and promptly climbed out just as you heard the front door opening, he was gone before you even had a chance to get a second look as he ran off.

You did as he asked and locked the window before checking your appearance in the mirror, a mess was reflected back at you. You looked as if you’d been lost at sea. Tangled hair and ashen skin covered in streaked makeup. The churning in your stomach only rocked the proverbial boat more.

After a deep breath you brushed your hair and pulled the makeup wipes from your bag to clean up with.

“Hey!” You heard a sharp knock on the bedroom door and answered it while still wiping away at your face.

“What’s up?” You asked your sister as she pushed past you.

“Just checking on you before I went to bed, Lukey and I were out there for longer than we meant to be.” She shrugged on her way to jump on the bed, “Ow! Fuck.” She winced and picked up her bare foot, rubbing the sole with her thumb as she picked up the offending item.

“Who’s ring?” She asked, holding it up for you to see.

“Oh it’s just Anakin’s!” You lied, laughing anxiously and plucked it from her fingers, encasing it in your own hand. “Probably just fell out of my bag.”

“He has such a weird taste in jewelry. What even is that?” She pointed to your closed fist, and watched as you peeled back your fingers and exposed your palm.

It wasn’t a lie, it was Anakin’s.

���A centipede.” You swallowed, staring at the hunk of metal. “It- he always wears this one. I don’t… I’m not sure how it ended up in my bag.”

Your throat felt dry, your palms started to sweat. You felt like you might be sick. Why did he have Anakin’s ring? He hardly ever takes it off.

Diary Entry: September 3rd

I should have never taken those fucking rings off. I had to lie to you. It’s stupid I know but lying about something little like that is almost worse than the big secret you know? Cause I don’t want you to think I’m untrustworthy, I am. I’m very trustworthy.

You just let me shoot what you thought was a loaded gun in your mouth. I’d say that means you trust me quite a bit. Ghost, not me I mean. You trust Ghost with your life, but you can’t trust Anakin enough to tell him you love him?

Date

September 3rd (1:45 am)

Anakin jogged to the end of the driveway and hopped into the front seat of his car, taking off his mask and gloves. With the steering wheel in both hands he leaned forward to rest his forehead on the back of his hands. Keeping his grip at the top of the wheel with one hand he leaned back again, looking up at the roof of his car, his other hand going to pinch the bridge of his nose as he squeezed his eyes shut tightly.

He nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone started ringing, he quieted himself and quickly strategized a set of half truths and full lies that he might need to use before answering the phone.

“Hey princess.” He sounded cheery as he picked up the phone, “lucky you, I was just going out to smoke.”

“Oh?” You asked, feeling relieved to hear that he sounded fine. Maybe ghost didn’t chop off his finger after all. “Sorry, I- I have a weird question.”

“I love weird questions.” He snorted, you could hear him flip open his zippo lighter and snap it shut after a long inhale.

“Are you missing any rings?” You asked, hoping he said no and that this was just a very odd coincidence.

You heard rustling on the other end of the line while Anakin frantically searched his pockets, coming up one ring short.

“Yeah I am actually, why?” He answered clearing his throat nervously.

“Which one?”

“My many legged lad.” He answered, instinctively flicking his cigarette ash with anxiety, the miniature embers floating down to his jeans. He quickly swiped them away and tried to remain focused. “I took it off to shower at your place last night.”

“I figured the cat knocked it off the sink or something.” He shrugged to himself, hoping it was enough of a lie to convince you that maybe Ghost snatched it off the sink.

“S-somehow it ended up in um, my bag I guess.” You said, turning the jewelry over in your palm, placing it on the nightstand beside the bed.

“Huh, well that’s fucking weird.” He chuckled, “I don’t know, babe. Just keep it safe for me til you get back I guess sweetheart.”

“I will, I’ve got it on the nightstand right now.” You answered, licking your bottom lip.

“Thanks babydoll, listen, I gotta go back inside.” He grumbled, sucking air through his teeth the way he always did on his last drag of his cigarette. “I love you doll. Sleep good.”

“Night Ani, text me when you’re home.”

“You got it baby." Anakin answered, his voice low and smooth.

A perfectly normal conversation. A perfectly normal explanation on his part. A completely plausible assumption that Ghost simply took it from Anakin. Though you’d never known him to be brazen enough to come around with Anakin there and awake.

A perfectly dreadful whisper floated in one ear and out the other.

—————-

Date

September 3rd (2:27 am)

Anakin walked circles around his car, desperate to find an escape, an excuse, an explanation. Something, anything to help him backtrack. He couldn’t go back to your cabin tonight. He’d made you lock the windows and he knew Luke would quadruple check that the front door was locked. He didn’t know your sister or Luke’s sleep habits so he didn’t feel comfortable picking the lock.

He would have to tough it out until tomorrow night.

You were very much in the same boat as him. Waiting anxiously to see if he would come back, to see what would happen.

You wanted to call Anakin again, just to hear his voice, to listen to the calming comfort of it. To affirm that all was well, he was safe and fine. That was the only reason. You just wanted to make sure he was safe. Anakin was perfectly capable of handling himself, but to your knowledge he didn’t own any weapons that he could defend himself with. As far as you knew, Anakin Skywalker was sweet and kind and soft. He was loving and gentle. He was the perfect man, the most wonderful thing to walk into your life.

Anakin loves you and you love him. You love him so much, so much that it hurts. You love him so much that you’ve refused to say it. To protect him, to protect yourself, to protect Ghost from the hurt of it.

That’s just it though, there is Ghost. He’s there at every corner, he’s the creak in the floor boards at night, he’s the figure you see in the corner of your eye, he’s the creepy feeling of being watched, the voice you swear you hear saying your name.

He cares for you, and he cares deeply. You know without having to hear it from him that he believes you’ve hung the sun and the moon, he knows all the stars in the galaxy twinkle just for you and he believes you should be treated as such.

For all his wrong doings he’s done something right, not the helpful little things nor the occasional softness he’s begun to show.

No it’s something else.

It’s a feeling so oddly tangible that you can feel it in your throat each time you swallow. There isn’t a name for it, no term that you’ve ever heard could properly define it. You know that much to be true.

It’s a pull, a strong and undeniable tether. Like a child and their security blanket. Visible or not, where there is one there is always the other.

You’d miss him if he were gone, much like you’d miss the comfort of a fresh from the dryer blanket. The fuzzy warmth that wraps you up so tightly, the feeling of being tucked away from the world in safety.

That heat fades quickly, just like he does. He’s present one moment and the next he’s left you alone and you have to start the cycle all over again. You stare at your reflection and watch the world tumble around you and he watches you from behind the glass until he’s ready to come out again.

You want to fold him up and lay him across the end of your bed. Within reach at all times, you don’t want the dryer door between you anymore. You don’t want the few moments of heat from the fabric.

You want consistency.

Anakin can give you consistency in a way that no one else ever has. You never have to worry about him leaving or being disloyal, you never have to voice your feelings or opinions if you don’t want to because he just knows. You never have to worry about anything. Except for Ghost.

With Ghost you know that you are without a doubt the safest person alive. You don’t have to think, you can just be and know he is there to do anything and everything for you. You never have to worry about anything. Except for Anakin.

————-

Date

September 3rd

Hiking had never been your favorite summertime activity, but you’d come to realize it wasn’t because of all the walking or the bugs, it wasn’t even because of the horrid, atrocious memory of the time you’d walked through poison ivy.

You didn’t like it because it gave you too much time to think. That was exactly the opposite of what you needed right now. Right now you needed nothing, you needed the cold emptiness that comes along with burying yourself in something that took up all your brain power until there was none left to dwell on your troubles.

By the time you’d reached your destination you were drenched with sweat in the most uncomfortable way imaginable. Your shirt stuck to you, the cups of your bra were damp and itchy, your shorts had ridden up and you weren’t entirely sure that you were wearing shoes instead of walking barefoot in a bog.

“Luke.” You grumbled, taking a long drink from your water bottle. “How long have we been out here?”

“About two hours.” He replied casually, not nearly as winded as you and your sister. “Let’s eat and we’ll head back.”

“Are we lucky enough to be on one of those trails that the start is long but the loop around is short?” Your sister asked, wiping her forehead with the inside of the collar of her shirt.

“You’re both wimps,” he scoffed and rolled his eyes, passing out sandwiches and chips. “No, the way back is the way we came.”

“You’re joking.” You complained with a scrunched up expression.

“No ma’am.” Luke responded and thumbed over his shoulder at the overlook you’d made the journey to see. Yes it was beautiful, but worth the blister forming on the back of your ankle? Definitely not.

“Unless you’d like to take a dip off the cliff edge.” He snickered, knowing damn well that you’d rather gnaw off your fingers than jump from this height. “It’d be a couple minutes swim to shore and you’d be at the cabin.”

“No way really?” You said, standing up and biting into your sandwich as you walked cautiously closer to the edge. Gazing down you saw the dock, your eyes traveling up the tiny- hardly visible- dirt path until you reached the cabin.

He was right, you tracked your hiking trail up the curve of the incline you’d suffered through, it was a massive arc. Leaving you staring at the comfort of the cabin, so close but impossibly far away. You looked for a moment more, the lake sparkling like glitter in the bright sunshine. A few boats disrupting the water as they sped past, far off the shore.

You snapped a few pictures and scrolled through them, nearly choking on your food as you spotted something you’d missed with your naked eye. Only seeing it now that you were scrutinizing the photos quality to decide which one you’d keep.

“Jesus, you alright?” Lauren asked, watching you thump the side of your fist against your chest. Breathing heavily through your nose while chewing the food to swallow it and chase it down with a gulp of water.

“M’fine.” You coughed, looking back down at your phone and then to the landscape below to see if he was still there.

You should’ve expected to find him, expected the way he made himself at home on the porch, rocking in a rocking chair. The scene was still jarring, even more so when you realized he wasn’t wearing his hoodie.

His bare arms on display, his chest and abdomen covering by a loose black tank top. You frantically tried to zoom in with your camera. But of course all you could see was a fuzzy blur of inked skin.

What luck.

He was there, in broad daylight without a staple piece of his ensemble, one he didn’t remove in front of you. Now you understood why he told you he’d be recognizable if you were to see his skin. He was covered in tattoos.

And it’s your unfortunate luck that despite being so close to him, it’d take an hour to get there. Your great luck that he’d left himself vulnerable to your gaze at a distance that would prove impossible to decipher his identity. He was doing this purposely, there was no doubt about it. Why else would he do something so risky?

Ghost was baiting you.

Like the stupid little fish you were, you nibbled on the hook until he was able to reel you in.

‘I see you’ You texted him,

‘Creep.’ He texted back, standing up from his rocking chair and walking to the front porch steps. He waved dramatically, the sun shining down on him and catching on the white plastic of his mask, making him plainly visible. You watched through the zoomed in and grainy image of your phone as he moved, hoping maybe it would clear up and you could see something identifying.

Suddenly you were reminded of something you’d learned in school, a book you’d read… maybe Nancy Drew? Signaling using a mirror or something reflective to catch a person’s attention, sometimes used as a means of communication in Morse code. Though this wasn’t nearly as sophisticated.

He had pulled out both his knives and flipped them, the sunlight refracting off the shiny silver blades erratically until it became one concentrated beam as he crossed the sharp edges over each other. Forming an X to direct to light straight at your face, promptly blinding you.

“Fuck.” You winced, stumbling backwards and causing your sister to gasp.

“Christ, what the hell are you doing?” She asked worriedly, standing up and walking toward you but not daring to move as close to the cliffs edge as you were.

“A- a bug or something.” You lied, rubbing your eyes to clear up the imprinted flash of light you saw each time you let your eyelids fall shut.

*ping*

‘See me now?’

‘Asshole.’ You mumbled under breath, looking back over the cliffs edge to see that he’d managed to get out of sight in the time it took for you to recover.

“Alright, let’s go back. I’m hot and sweaty.” Luke said, standing up and stretching. He packed away our trash and then shoved Lauren forward when she complained.

“I’ll push you off the edge if you don’t shut up and leave me be.” He snorted, dodging her water bottle that she swung by the handle at him.

“C’mon let’s go before you kill each other.” You said with a laugh, feeling better now that Ghost was -probably- gone for now.

After another hour of hiking back down the steep incline you’d just traveled up, you were grateful to collapse on the cold wood floor of the living room and bask in the cool air supplied by the window unit nearby.

——————————————————————————

Diary Entry: September 3rd

I’m so jittery waiting around for you guys to get the hell out of that stupid cabin. I have shit to do and you’re gumming up the works. I need to get your bathing suits, I scouted out around the lake last night when I couldn’t sleep. Not in my Ghost mask, I used a bandana. I think it’d be real unfortunate to get the cops called because Ghostface is roaming the pine woods.

Anyway, your bathing suits. I’m taking the ones I disapprove of. Did you know there’s a cabin full of jockey college boys right across the lake from you? You better not have planned that. They have a perfect view of the dock you’ll be swimming off of. Which means they were probably watching you last night when you were having your drinks.

I’m the only one who can watch you like that. Especially when you’re gonna be prancing around with that fucking ass of yours on display. ‘Ani, I’m just gonna wear it to tan in!’ Yeah alright. That’s the only reason doll? That’s the reason you brought a thong bikini to the lake? With a cabin full of testosterone waiting to catch a whiff of you from across the way?

I can’t believe you’re so stupid sometimes. I love you but damn do you have no self awareness? I’d let you wear it when I’m around. But I’m not. Not the way I want to be at least. I want to be there fucking you with my eyes and smacking your cute ass every chance I get. If I’m not standing there watching over you then those idiots might get the idea you’re wearing that shit for them and not me.

They don’t know you’re tanning, making that bangin’ fucking body sun kissed for my viewing pleasure when you return. They just see ass and tits and drool. I might drool yeah… but it’s only for you. I love you. I have eyes only for you and I always will.

Those dick-wads don’t know you or care about you. They lust over every bitch they see. You don’t want to make it easier for them do you? No? That’s what I thought. I know you didn’t do it purposely little doe. You can’t help it. You’re used to me being by your side and keeping you safe, used to wearing whatever you want when I’m around because you know I’ll fuck shit up if someone looks at you wrong. You’ve gotten used to it and didn’t use your little girl brain to make adjustments for the fact that Anakin wouldn’t be there for you.

Just another reason you should’ve brought me along.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Oh my fucking god it’s so fucking hot outside. What the hell is wrong with Luke? Making you walk up that MOUNTAIN. I totally would’ve followed but I’m actually busy trying not to fucking drown in my own sweat. There’s a bunch of reasons Ghost is mostly nocturnal. This is one of them.

I was being baked alive.

Anywho, I showered and now I smell like you, so I’m gonna wander about, have a wee little snack. By the way, I’m really sad you forgot the mustard.

🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

Baby, don’t be mad I didn’t mean to almost make you trip. I just thought it would be a little funny. I was right. But I’m still kind of sorry.

I wish I could’ve seen your face.

‘Oh my god! His shoulders are out!’ Scandalous.

Risky? Yes. Worth it. Yes, can’t wait to hear you whine about it when I fuck you again.

——————-

Date

September 3rd

“Okay, let’s get ready for the lake.” Luke stood up and clapped his hands together once, a loud *pop* resounding through the living room.

“Already on it.” You huffed, throwing yourself forward into a sitting position and hopping to your feet.

You entered your room and noticed two things immediately: 1) the ring is gone 2) your red one piece swimsuit is on the bed. Upon further investigation you discovered a note laying on top of it.

Written in quick scratch was a short note from Ghost.

‘Doe,

I’ve taken the liberty of making adjustments to your wardrobe.‘

‘Adjustments?’ You thought, grabbing your bag and dumping it out on the bed.

The only things missing were your other bathing suits and your shower stuff, quickly grabbing the red suit you rushed to the bathroom and locked yourself in to change. Pushing back the shower curtain you saw your body wash and shampoo, the walls still wet from his shower. You couldn’t help but let out an annoyed huff.

Your phone vibrated on the side of the small bathroom sink, sliding across the porcelain and falling into the sink basin. You quickly fixed the straps of your bathing suit and retrieved your phone before the leaky tap could wet the screen.

A video message awaited you from ghost, the image from the thumbnail made you laugh in a choked kind of surprise. He was outside giving you a leather thumbs up, your hot pink string bikini on overtop of his black hoodie. As you pressed play the video was mostly silent other than the nature noises of the background until he flipped the camera around and zoomed in.

A low modified whistle left his lips as his camera focused on the bathroom window, your bare back in the frame for a moment before he shifted the camera slightly to get the mirror in front of you, showcasing your breasts as you changed into your swimsuit.

You swiftly spun around going to the window to scan the area, he couldn’t have possibly gotten too far away. Throwing open the window you stuck your head out and looked to the left and then to the right where Ghost had suddenly appeared, inches from your face.

“Ow! Fuck, agh-“ You yelped, whacking your head on the window pane while he laughed at your expense.

“Hey! You okay?” Luke banged yelled from the other side of the bathroom door.

“Y-yeah!” You shouted back, turning to look inside the bathroom again before turning back around to see Ghost had crouched down, out of view if you were to open the bathroom door.

“What are you doing? You’re takin’ ages.”

“Uh- sorry. Wardrobe difficulties.” You squeaked out, glancing back at ghost who was still wearing your hot bikini bikini top, sans bottoms… which was honestly a bit disappointing. You heard Luke walk off, yelling to your sister that you were probably ‘on the throne’.

“Who is he? The Queen?” Ghost’s mechanical voice came from beneath the mask.

“Close enough.” You shrugged your shoulders and watched as he stood up to his full height, his knees cracking upon the ascent.

“Why did you take my shit Ghost? I wanted to wear that!” Whisper shouting at him while you hung the upper half of your body out the window.

“That’s why I took it.” He said plainly. “I don’t want you looking like a fucking slut out there without me around to keep other eyes off you.”

“Who the hell is gonna see me out here!? You shouldn’t have even seen me out here!” You pointed angrily.

“Shut up, I know you’re happy I’m here.” He snarled, getting right in your face, reaching up to grab your chin. “I heard you last night.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You scoffed as if you hadn’t done exactly what he was insinuating.

“I don’t want the girl who moans for me to be ogled at by some fucking frat guys.” He barked, shaking your chin and digging in his leather fingers.

You turned bright pink. You couldn’t argue with his statement. You did moan for him. Under him, over him, even without him.

“What frat guys?” You stuttered, avoiding acknowledgement to the first half of his sentence.

“Across the lake.” He pointed, flicking out his knife to gesture in their direction. “Big group of ‘em. Paid them a visit last night just to check things out, you know I worry about you.” He said in a quieter tone, bringing the blade of his knife to your bottom lip and tapping it with the flat side.

“I would’ve never known they were there if you hadn’t told me.” You narrowed your eyes, speaking carefully as the knife rested against your lip.

“Maybe.” He shrugged. “Or maybe not.”

“What’s that supposed- shit, why?” You flinched and brought your hand to your mouth touching the nick he’d left when he quickly jerked the knife away.

“So you’ll think of me when you’re yapping to some no-count bitch boy from across the way.” He snapped back. His leathered thumb came up to spread the blood across your bottom lip and past it onto your tongue.

“It’s just a bonus that you bleed so fucking pretty.” He pushed your tongue down with his thumb, rubbing the crimson liquid into the squishy muscle, then curling the same thumb behind your bottom row of teeth and shifting his cock in his jeans with his free hand.

“Clean it for me baby?” His modified voice lower than usual.

“No, use your mouth doe.” He chuckled when you reached out to grab the knife from him to rinse in the sink.

“What?” You furrowed your eyebrows but opened your mouth anyway. He placed the blade on your tongue and nodded at you.

“Now suck it.” He grumbled, affectionately patting your cheek twice before using two fingers to push up your chin and close your mouth around the cool steel.

————————————————————————

“What happened?” You sister asked, touching the scabbed line that traveled up your ass cheek and disappeared beneath your swimsuit.

“Well, I just fell.” You muttered, pulling the hem line to cover more of it. “Don’t really know what cut me but it happened a little bit ago.”

“You need to be more careful.” She shook her head, finishing up her job of rubbing in your sun tan lotion. “I swear you’re worse than my toddler.”

“Oh shut up, I am not.” You scoffed, “there’s a difference between something you don’t have any control over and choosing to shove a pebble up your nose.”

“I- that was only one time! When will you let that go?” She asked grumpily. “What am I supposed to do, carry around a fucking periscope so I can see behind me?”

“I’m not- I was kidding.” You sighed, shoving her out in front of you, making her stumble.

You clicked the lotion shut and shook it up, slamming it down on the heel of your hand before putting a generous amount in your palm. You slapped it onto her back and rubbed it in, ignoring the hissing sound she made when the wet glob of sunscreen in your palm smacked her flesh and splattered messily across her skin.

“Caleb is just… an explorer.” Lauren said, trying to make it sound better than it was.

“I never shoved anything up my nose.” Luke chimed in from behind his sunglasses, sitting up against one of the dock posts. “Lauren, you know I was an ‘explorer’.”

“No. You were a bug boy.” You snorted, looking over at him with a little smirk.

“So what? I liked… like bugs. They’re cool okay?” He grumbled waving them off.

“Remember when you had Ants on a Log with actual ants?” You giggled, Lauren crouching down as she let out a guffaw.

“I was seven!” He said defensively, crossing his arms.

“Caleb is two. He can shove a pebble up his nose and it can be excused.” Lauren snorted, catching her breath. “You were seven, you knew better. You have no room to talk.”

“Okay mom,” Luke huffed, you knew without a doubt that he was rolling his eyes behind those glasses. “At least I don’t still pick my nose.”

“Hey! Sometimes you just gotta get up in there.” Lauren pointed at him, a scowl on her face. “Don’t lie, you pick your nose. Everybody does!”

“Uh… I mean I technically pick my nose. Just with a tissue.” You said, supporting your sister in your useless argument.

“So you’re both gross then.” Luke gagged and grabbed his stomach dramatically.

“If I’m gross, so are you.” You said, getting settled on your towel. “Lauren’s right. Everyone picks their nose.”

“You’re both horrible.” He grumbled, shaking his head before standing up and lowering himself into an inner-tube so that he could float on the water.

You all had a peaceful first half of your day, it was refreshing after the hike to relax in the sunshine, letting the heat lull you into a state of calm and the opportunity to think of nothing save for the concentration of singling out different nature noises just because you could. Cicadas, the occasional grunt of a bullfrog, Whippoorwills calling out to each other in the trees, the gentling lapping of the lake against the dock.

None of the city sounds that clouded your head and made it feel cluttered.

It was cleansing, a nice reset for your mental state. Exactly what you needed, exactly what you were so happy to be here for. Now if only you could get some clarity on the difficulty you’d return to after your weekend of being at ease.

Even in peace times nothing is perfect.

The gentleness of the world you’d drifted into was being infiltrated. The distant sounds of a boat zipping through the water at much higher speed that it should’ve, especially with the water skier attached to the towline. What could make it worse? Two jet skis flanked the boat at a good distance away, though it was clear they were all in one group. Shouting and laughing like drunken fools, which you were sure they were considering the way they were behaving.

You licked your bottom lip, reminded of the small nick Ghost had left you with. These must be the ‘no-count bitch boys’ he was referring to earlier. You had to admit, he was definitely right about that. Wrong about your willingness to speak with them though.

You huffed and stood up, deciding now would be a good time to take a refreshing break in the water. The liquid enveloped your skin, the heat of the sun having beat down on you had your flesh soaking up the warmth so much that the water felt cold. In involuntary shiver tickled your spine as you swam over to Luke where he’d floated a way from the dock.

Slowly but surely the boat along with its entourage weaved its way across the water to your side of the lake, you pushed Luke’s inner-tube back toward the dock to give -them- yourself some space.

“Thanks babe.” Luke said, dipping his hand into the water and flicking it at your face.

“Hey! I was trying to be nice!” You scowled, reflexively sliding your hands beneath the tube to dump Luke out of it.

“I could’ve drowned!” He gasped as he resurfaced, taking off his sunglasses so he could wipe the water from his face and shake out his hair.

“Oh whatever, don’t be whiny.” You grinned.

“Me? You’re telling me not to whine?” Luke tossed his glasses up onto the dock and made his way toward you quickly. “All I did was flick you with water and you tried to drown me!”

“I did not!” Squealing as he lifted you up and tossed you farther into the water. How such a scrawny little guy could do such a thing was beyond you, but you had no time to contemplate.

You only had time for revenge. Squinting beneath the murky waters you made your way to Luke, hearing him call out your name in garbled syllables.

Ever since you’d known Luke, he’s had an irrational fear of the tiny possibility that there may be an alligator in any body of water. Didn’t matter how far from the wetlands of the states you were. There was always a slim chance, to him at least.

Holiday Inn pool? ‘But it’s outside, it could’ve crawled in! Will you just check it?’

Tiny dollar-store-bought blow up pool in your backyard? ‘But the creek! The creek’s back there… I’m not going in till you do.’

It got to the point that it was so severe his dad had to come up with a ‘gator gauge’ which was really just a hand-held tennis ball launcher he’d spray painted green and put a ‘gator free’ sticker on the back of so he could prove it was safe. Top-notch, high security, military grade ‘gator gauge’ that doubled as the lazy way to play fetch with their dog.

It was mean. Maybe a bit cruel… but he deserved it. So you swam behind him and put the heels of your palms together, spreading your fingers and creating jaws. You’d disappear from sight for long enough that a hypothetical alligator could’ve dragged you off and you heard Luke call out for you again.

Your lungs started to burn and you knew it was time to enact your plan. Luke stood on his tiptoes in the water, the perfect opportunity to press your fingers and nails into the muscle of his flexed calf. He screamed and thrashed about, you let him go and backed up so you could resurface. You popped up and sucked in a deep breath that turned into a choked laughing fit.

“You little bitch!” He yelled, splashing as he swam at you, pushing you under the water by your shoulders. He quickly pulled you back up and shoved your shoulder. A pink tint to his cheeks from embarrassment, he huffed and splashed a wave of water at you.

“I could’ve drowned!” You mocked him, pretending to cough.

In your short time of distraction the boat and its occupants had cut the engine and let the momentum carry them closer. The jet skis now tethered to the back, the ladder down in the water. Despite the safer option a group of five guys jumped over the side and made themselves at home in your space.

“Hey! How are you ladies?” One of them asked, completely ignoring that Luke was right there with you.

“No soliciting, thanks.” Your sister popped her head up and shook her left hand to show off her wedding ring.

“Whoa, didn’t mean anything like that!” He laughed and his friends agreed. “Just wanted to say hello, see if you guys were up for a drink.”

“I think we’re just fine.” Luke spoke up from behind you.

“I wasn’t asking you.”

“Alright, let’s go.” Sighing you turned around and swam until you were able to touch the lake bottom, walking the rest of the way to the shore.

“Hope you’re going to get some mixers.” A different guy shouted.

“Going to get a restraining order if you don’t leave.” You shot back over your shoulder, earning a round of laughs from them, the opposite of what you’d hoped for.

“C’mon. Don’t be like that! Just give us a chance. We’re good people.”

“Good at ruining my day.” Luke mumbled, following behind me and scooping up his stuff and getting ready to leave.

“You’re going? Serious?” One of them laughed.

“You came over here uninvited, you’re not entitled to our company.” You said, turning around and walking toward the house.

“That may be true but you’ve certainly made up for it by jiggling that ass.” His friends snickered and one smacked his arm.

You reminded yourself that you were here to have fun. Not to argue with a man who has half the brain capacity of a drunk squirrel.

Deciding you couldn’t let them win, you figured you’d beat them in your own way. You continued on without another word, pretending you hadn’t heard them, instead pulling out your phone and sending a simple text message.

‘You were right.’

The answer was an immediate: ‘I know.’

Diary entry: September 3rd

I hate to say I told you so. But I will.

I. Told. You. So.

I was having a great time watching you, it was reminiscent of how I used to watch you have dinner and I’d eat with you. You’re so cute and playful… I love you so much. I know that Luke is super gay, that’s not why I’m jealous. I’m not worried about that. I’m not stupid and I’m not paranoid, I know better. I’m jealous because it should’ve been me that you were playing around with.

I’m jealous cause you didn’t invite me. I’m jealous that you got to swim and I’m sitting in a tree, soaking my shirt with sweat. I’m jealous that Luke had a beer. I’m jealous that your sister took a nap. I’m jealous that those shit-for-brains tried to talk to you. (I love your sisters fucking comeback though.)

I’m jealous that they got a better look at your sweet little ass than I did too.

I’m pleased that you were so off-put by their behavior that you texted me little doe. What a very good girl you can be, but, oh so good at being bad too. You’re just like me. Maybe I’m making it worse, maybe better. I don’t know, I don’t really care either.

I’m just excited.

My little doe is feeding that flame of deviancy hanging out deep within your stomach. I knew you had it in there somewhere, gods you’re just so fucking perfect. I’ve never felt more lucky. ‘Ghost, I’ve got one more day here. What if they come back?’

What if indeed.

Men can be unpredictable. A woman is safer in a pit of snakes that being alone with a man she doesn’t know. Which is why I try so desperately to protect you especially in situations like this. That delivery guy? He seemed harmless. But I dug a bit deeper and well, he wasn’t so harmless after all.

Now, these boys might be disgusting pigs who prefer to wallow in the squalor and bask in the glory of their custom made beer can wall. They don’t deserve anything too harsh. Also; Wow. It’s amazing how they’ve managed to drink that much and none of them have been hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. But back to business, I personally don’t feel like killing anyone. I know for a fact you don’t. I also know that even if I did feel like it, I couldn’t because you’d definitely know it was me. Then what the hell would I do?

You had no good ideas. Which is not your fault, you just can’t think about these things on your own. You need guidance and that’s what I’m here for. So, I settled on something you’ve never done, I haven’t done in a long time, and it’s not technically illegal here… just heavily frowned upon. I hate their shit attitudes, they’re gross and they’ve disrespected you and that’s unacceptable. So a nice little bit of property ‘destruction’ is in order. Middle school memories, how sweet.

TP the cabin? Absolutely. Destroy their beer can wall? Definitely. Silly string their vehicles? Duh.

Fuck you before and after? Yes. Always.

Part Fifteen

Tag-List:

@wickedtactics @tsugumiholic @kingdomhate @burnthecheshirewitch @exquisitcorpse @arzua10 @bby-imasociopath @depressed-kay @aliciaasky @naty-1001 @mrsmikaelsxn @bunnylovesani @ausskywalker @angelsadmired @slut4starwars @chocolatepalacecloudhoagie @starkiller419 @hearts4mitski4 @lethargic @allhailbuckybarnes-blog @shadowhuntyi @mortalheartache @fallinlovewithevil @sythethecarrot @chaoticantihero r @vadersslut @luvvfromme @anakinsbaee @sweetcheesecakesblog @luvskywxlker @angelsadmired @kaminokatie @anakin-pilled @graveyard-stray @chiaraanatra @jediavengers @zapernz @lunalitva @salted-snailz @queenofchaos99 @ellie-luvsfics @dazednstars141 @hopesworlld @lonaah @guiltycherries @syralix @doblasftcisco @demieyesore @hemmoxloser

Thanks to @rottencandyblood and all their love❤️

THE TAGS LIST IS FULL! But if you want to be tagged I will comment ur username for you. Love you all so many.

[byechristopher]

can u do a fic where chris and reader are dating but reader gets insecure because she sees all these old pics and vids of chris with this girl he used to be with but they talk about it and they say to each other they're in love for the first time this is bad sorry but i'm lowkey sad and need this

Trust Me.

– CHRIS STURNIOLO FLUFF.

Author's note: Hey there, thank you for the request! Now, I didn't know how to bring up the old photos, so y e s, I used snapchat memories (happened to me, so..). I hope you like it either way. 🤍 Do not copy/steal my work. :)

Warnings: None, sliiight angst. Did not proofread!

Usually, I'm not one to stare at people, but when it comes to Chris, I can never resist, even when he's doing the simplest tasks. We've only been dating for a couple of months, and while I wouldn't label myself as "obsessed," I find myself captivated by him.

My thoughts are interrupted by Chris (not that I mind) as I sit on the pavement, and he bends over to gently kiss the top of my head, his hands cupping my cheeks. I smile and grasp his hands, looking up at him to see his beautiful smile.

"Beautiful day today, huh?" he says, sitting down beside me, his head tilted back, soaking in the sunshine.

I gaze at him, appreciating the way the sun highlights his curls, makes his skin glow, and brings out the pink in his lips and the icy blue of his eyes. God.

"Yes, very beautiful," I chuckle, joining him in looking up at the sky, letting the sun caress my face as well.

"I'm gonna go take a shower. I'll be back in a few minutes, okay?" he smiles and wraps an arm around my shoulders, bringing me closer to him so that he can press a kiss on my cheek.

"Yes, yes. Can I play that game on your phone?" I grin, knowing he is not able to resist that and he chuckles, giving me his phone.

"Here you go, babe."

He leaves and I immediately unlock his phone. I want to start the game but a notification from snapchat pops up and I accidentally press on it. I roll my eyes because it is one of these "memories" thingies, it said two years ago.

When it opens, my stomach drops. A few pictures and a video of Chris and his ex girlfriend are under this notification. I know I shouldn't feel anything but I do. Especially when I see how tightly he's holding her, the way he looks into her eyes. The video is my last straw – he's cupping her cheeks while pressing kisses all over her face, saying over and over again how much he loves her. He sounds very genuine. He's never told me he loves me. Ouch.

I quickly close the app and lock his phone, not in the mood to play any of the games on his phone anymore. I can't fathom my emotions – perhaps because I've already fallen for him, and the fact that he might not love me just yet triggers an unsettling feeling within me. Not a positive one.

I go back inside the apartment because I am not in the mood to enjoy any type of sunshine either, so when he's done and he doesn't see me there, he gets confused.

"Babe? Where are you?" his shouts reach me, and I take a deep breath, wondering whether I should tell him anything or just leave it be.

"Hey, I'm up here." I say, standing on top of the stairs as I look down at him.

His smile brightens and he starts walking up the stairs to meet me – he's got a fresh hoodie on now, his hair is damp and the fact that he looks like the cutest human being on earth doesn't help with the fact that I want to cry.

"Why'd you leave? I thought you wanted to stay outside for a while," he questions, pulling me close for a kiss.

"Yeah, just not in the mood," I shrug, failing to force a smile before heading to the bedroom.

"Babe." he follows, concerned, "is there something wrong?" he furrows his eyebrows in confusion.

"No.. just.. everything's fine." I realise how stupid I will sound if I say anything so now I am just stuck with my mood swings.

"You know you can tell me everything, yes?" he gets on his knees right in front of me as I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, placing his hands on my thighs and giving them a small reassuring squeeze.

I look down at him, then down to my fingers, really considering telling him now. With a small sigh, I cover my face with both hands, "I accidentally opened your snapchat memories." I say, really getting embarrassed now, "and it was you.. with.. yeah."

I can hear him sighing as well, knowing what I'm talking about, but he doesn't say anything for a while. Instead, he grabs my hands gently pulling them away from my face, bringing them both close to his lips so he can kiss them.

"Baby.. you know this means absolutely nothing now, right?" his voice is so sweet and gentle, like honey, it makes me want to cry.

"I know.. please, I just.. I don't know why I'm feeling this way." I know exactly why I'm feeling that way but I would never tell him that, he'd be so uncomfortable. Especially if he doesn't love me back just yet.

"It's normal, I think I would feel the same way if I saw you with your ex." he nods, still pressing kisses to the palms of my hands, "but you need to know that you're the only one I see. For a very long time now." his eyes look sincere as he makes sure to keep eye contact with me no matter how much I avoid it.

I don't say anything, I only nod – he gets up and quickly picks me up, making me wrap my legs around his waist as he sits at the edge of the bed with me in his lap this time. His hands touch me everywhere, my thighs, my waist, my back, my hair – his touch is feather-like, it feels dreamy.

"You know, baby.." he speaks with his gentle voice, "..I might not talk about my feelings as much as you do, but that doesn't mean I don't feel as much as you do." he buries his hand in my hair, his lips close to my ear, pressing kisses there and on my cheek.

I don't have the time to say anything because he continues, "I'm very, very bad when it comes to expressing my feelings, I think you know that by now." he chuckles a bit, making me smile a little bit, "but what I'm feeling for you, I don't think I've ever experienced before." he says and I don't want to get my hopes up but my heart definitely does something, "the moment I saw you, I knew. And that scared me. The fact that my heart felt something, by just looking at you."

I pull back just a bit to look at him, his hands now cupping my cheeks, caressing my skin, "and still to this day, even after all these months, I still feel the same way I felt when I first saw you." he presses his forehead against mine, kissing my lips every now and then, "I am.. madly in love with you, baby." he whispers and I almost widen my eyes.

"What–" only this word comes out of my mouth but I want to grab him and kiss him and tell him a million things. But nothing else comes out and my heart starts beating fast, like crazy.

"Yes. I am sorry if it's too soon for you. But I wanted to say it to you since like.. the first month. I just didn't want you to think of me as a weirdo.." he chuckles and I chuckle, too, "and anyway, you know I don't necessarily like expressing my feelings but sometimes it is necessary for the both of us."

"I am in love with you too.." I smile, my arms wrapping around his neck to bring him even closer to me, "and I have been for a while now." I whisper against his lips.

"Shit. You're doing it again.." he whispers, his smile so big, "the thing. My heart." he whispers again and I laugh softly.

"Stop. I love you." I say and my heart feels at peace.

He smiles, wrapping his arms around my waist again, hugging me close before kissing me again, "I love you too."

[lillian-gallows]

Kinktober Day 26: Overstimulation with Din Djarin

Pairing: Din Djarin x Fem!Reader Word Count: 1239 Warnings: Overstimulation, Crying during sex (In a good way), Squirting, Oral (F receiving), Vaginal Fingering, P in V sex, Sex Toy used on reader. Kinktober Master(sub)list.

Minors DNI

A live wire. That was the only way to describe how your body currently felt.

Din has had you in bed for the last who knows how many hours, pulling orgasm after orgasm from you in any way he could think of, and a few ways that you had told him about from a raunchy holo-vid you saw once.

The pair of you hadn’t had much time alone recently, between bounties that just kept getting further and further away and taking care of Grogu, there just wasn’t much time to indulge in each other or relax.

But right now. Din was between bounties, and Grogu was with Peli, who had winked and smirked when you two had rushed off after passing your child off to her, and you could finally breathe and rest for a couple days.

Well, maybe rest wasn’t the right word for what you’d been doing thus far.

You’ve lost track of how long you two had been in bed. You were pretty sure it was still morning, but you’d woken up to Dins mouth sucking on your clit, so checking the time hadn’t really been a priority at the time.

You might have glanced after coming down from that first orgasm, but he’d not given you much time to do even that before he was working you up again with his fingers. You’d tried to get him to come up from between your thighs so he could fuck you properly, but he’d insisted he had a plan and didn’t want to stop now.

What that meant you were still finding out.

You’d cum on his fingers, then again on his tongue, then he’d retrieved a toy that you’d gotten not too long ago for when he’s gone on long hunts and made you cum on it, twice.

Your body was more than sensitive at this point, and you hadn’t even had the pleasure of having his cock yet!

He was currently in the process of finger fucking you again while his mouth once more latched onto your swollen and tender clit, he’d at least had the good grace to ease up a little so it wouldn’t hurt.

You were a sweating, whimpering, shaking mess and the look in his eyes when he looked up at you from between your thighs was ravenous.

“Din…Fuck…I don’t-Ngh…I don’t know if I can cum again…” You whimpered, a high airy sound that matched well with your quivering legs and tightly gripping hands on the sheets.

He hummed and it sent a jolt through you that he must have felt because his eyes lit up. “Yes, you can, Cyar…” He rumbled, hot breath feeling almost scalding on your hypersensitive flesh. “You can give me at least two more…I know you can…”

How in the galaxy he could possibly know something like that, you had no idea, but you were teetering on that precipice once more, so you weren’t about to stop and ask questions.

Especially not when he crooked his fingers just right to press perfectly on your sweet spot while humming again on your clit.

That sound that came from you was desperate and pleading, for more or for mercy you weren’t sure, but it didn’t really matter, not when you felt like your body was filled with lightning in the best way. There was also something else there, a soft pressure that felt a little like you needed to pee, but also not at all like that. But it was gone as quickly as it came.

After all that time between your legs and out of your reach, you were a little shocked when he slowly crawled up your body, kissing your skin tenderly as he went before ending the trail at your lips.

“Din…” You whispered against his lips, what you wanted from him you weren’t sure, your mind still craved him, but your body was begging for a break.

You knew that if you told him to stop, told him you were done, he’d stop and pull you into his arms to cuddle till the sun went back down. But you’d be lying if you said that you weren’t incredibly curious what his goal was, if there was one beyond just getting absolutely drunk on each other.

He stayed there for a handful of minutes, just holding and kissing you, hands roaming more or less innocently. He’d ordered you to tease your nipples while he was fucking you with the toy, so they were as pink and sensitive as the rest of you, and his chest pressed to yours felt a thousand time more intense than it normally did.

You could feel his hard cock pressing between you, leaving small trails of precum on your skin when his hips moved, he was as desperate as you, and it showed.

Soon his kisses moved down to your neck while his hands massaged your breasts, lightly pinching at your nipples, which caused you arch up into his with a gasp that had him smirking.

He didn’t tease you like that for long as one of his hands moved down to line himself up with your entrance.

He felt absolutely massive in your swollen cunt, and he seemed to notice the difference too as his breathing was utterly wrecked, his eyes were squeezed shut as he sheathed himself inside you slowly, clearly trying not to cum just yet, but given the way every nerve in your body was alight you weren’t sure you would be able to hold on yourself.

Your arms wrapped around him tight, holding on the only line to sanity you had left as he started to rock into you, groaning in your ear on every thrust while you were whimpering, the mix of pain and pleasure had tears springing to your eyes, but you didn’t pay them any mind.

“Din…Fuck, Din…” Those were the only two words you had left, and they were playing on a loop from your lips, gasped, moaned, whimpered, cried out to the ceiling, and every repetition of them had him gripping you just a little tighter.

You almost hadn’t even noticed the tightening of your belly with the way your whole body has felt like a tight wire for the past couple of hours, and by the time you were teetering on the edge you could tell Din was right there with you, just waiting for you fall so he could follow.

And fall you did. You’re pretty sure you passed out for a couple moments, as everything went white, then went black, and when you came to again your body felt like you were made of liquid.

Wait. No. That was the strange dampness of the sheets under you. What the fuck?

Din let out a breathy chuckle when you managed to open your eyes. “I knew you could do it…” He said softly before pressing a kiss to your forehead. His words made it click for you what had just happened, what his goal had been.

He was trying to work you up enough to make you squirt, which you had thought you couldn’t do when it was brought up, but he’d been certain he could make you do it.

A breathless chuckle fell from your lips at this realization reached your pleasure-soaked brain, and Din was right there with you.

Laughing in a heap of loose limbs on your bed.

[girl-in-the-mirrorbluenight]

Okay I've been thinking about this pretty much all day since I saw the hbomberguy and then todd in the shadows video i just have so many thoughts. While I wouldn't necessarily call myself a Video Essayist™ (I've only made a few over the years) as a youtuber and someone who has made video essays i definitely have more experience than the average person. There are so many things that stand out to me about this whole debacle i dont even know where to start.

First I want to just give a little insight into the process for making video essays from people who've never given it a shot and just how absurd it is to do the type of plagiarizing James has done. Video essays take a fuckton of research, even for pretty simple topics, but on top that you also have to make them with the medium of video in mind. it's really not enough to just take an essay you would write for a class and read it out loud. the flow is different, you have to have accompanying visuals, often background music, etc. They're a beast to make. My Twisted video for which i used literally two sources for my research (Sondheim's books and the musical Twisted) still took days of thorough reading, note taking, watching the musical, watching the musical again, watching the musical and taking notes, cross-referencing my notes, etc. For videos that synthesize multiple sources or are covering multiple pieces of media, that time goes up exponentially. Then there's writing, recording, gathering clips (often one of the most difficult parts depending on how obscure what you're talking about is), and editing. Even for a silly video like my Glee video, I still had to do a ton of research to make sure I was getting things correct, and that was a funny tier list about freaking Glee! There is just no way you could come up with a thorough analysis by just copying and pasting. Which brings me to my next point.

I think James may have thought (or more likely rationalized) what he was doing as analysis based on like the vaguest definition. When you do any kind of analysis, what you're doing is taking research from multiple different places (news articles, primary sources, existing analysis, etc.) and coming to your own conclusions, whether that's a synthesis of those different sources, or applying it to a specific thing like a movie. Really simple example is my Twisted video where I take Sondheim's writing and apply it to a specific piece of media (in this case Twisted). I'm using existing work but coming to my own conclusion. In the Spies Are Forever video, I took existing research about the Lavender Scare and the Hays Code, including primary sources from the time period, and applied it to the musical Spies are Forever. What James seem to do is take a bunch of existing scholarship, copy and paste it all together and then come to a "conclusion" that was not actually his own original thoughts but either "facts" he completely made up or something that didn't do anything to actually link his other "sources" together. I can see why it has the veneer of analysis, but making up a random "fact" you think might be true is not the same as a drawing a conclusion based on research.

I also think Todd made a really good point in the part about England's propaganda campaign against Italy around 9:30 that it's just really bad video making to not include examples of images from this so called propaganda campaign. I have a ton of examples of news clips, government reports, etc. in my SaF video about the Lavender Scare because...it was a real historic thing that happened! If something was supposedly so widespread and not even that long ago, you can probably find evidence of it somewhere. Kaz Rowe (who is also linked in the queer creators playlist on hbomberguy's vid) talked about this a lot in their video about tiktok misinfo where people often make these outrageous claims but the thing is if something so outrageous happened (like people constantly shitting on the floors of versailles), other people at the time would probably be talking about it somewhere. It's a big red flag when someone makes such bold claims and has no evidence to back it up.

Putting this last section under the cut because I go talk about WWII, Nazis, and HIV/AIDS a bit (watch Todd's video for some more context) so if you don't want to see that post is over here.

Lastly I wanted to talk about something else Kaz brings up in a lot of their videos when talking about historical topics and that is the tendency to dehumanize people of the past, often as unwashed, unintelligent masses who would just do any ridiculous disgusting thing because they were so stupid and disgusting. There are a lot of things to criticize about the people of the past and their actions obviously, but we cannot forgot that they were in fact, people. Real individual people with their own lives and dreams and ambitions and individual opinions and they have never been and never will be a monolith. Claiming anything is broadly true of "the victorians" or "the ancient egyptians" or whatever other vague historical group you want to talk about is usually a lot more nuanced than "they all thought or acted in this one particular way". I'm certainly not a historian and i've only done one history focused video but James Somerton seemed to make a lot of broad historical claims in his videos that I think fall into this trap.

The one that stood out most to me in Todd's video was the claim about Nazi body standards which is a whole mess in general that Todd goes into for a while, but the way he talks about WWII soldiers was just like...weird. Besides the fact that a lot of his claims about Nazis seem to be bordering on glorifying them and their aesthetics (gross), I think we should remember that WWII was less than a century ago. There are still over 100,000 surviving WWII vets in the US. My grandfather who was in the Army during WWII (he didn't serve overseas but he was an enlisted soldier I can literally look up his enlistment records in the national archives online) was a real person who I obviously knew personally and who died fairly recently. To think he enlisted because he was jealous of German fitness or whatever and wanted to prove how tough Americans are is an absolutely hilarious thing to think if you knew him. I'm sure there are as many reasons for enlisting as there were enlisted soldiers. When James talks about even as relatively narrow of a group as "WWII American soldiers," he's still talking about a very large group of real and diverse people and to make such broad claims that "most" or even "a lot" of them were just so taken in by strong german physiques or whatever is frankly insulting. I haven't watched the entirety of James video so maybe he does address this at some point, but from the clips I've seen it seems very generalized and implies some level of racism when WWII soldiers in fact included a lot of racially diverse people. IDK, i think if you're a supposed historical researcher and you're making a video about WWII and you don't know about groups like the Tuskegee Airmen or the Navajo Code Talkers, that's on you. I don't want to discount some of the really horrible shit that American (and obviously other countries) soldier's did in the war and how many of them held disgusting views (even my grandpa who I love dearly was not the most politically correct person to put it lightly) but Jame's claims are not criticizing any real ideology or the consequences of them, they're oversimplifying complex and harmful historical ideas and attributing them to something he pretty much made up. I'll also give you a little hint about something. When people fall into Nazi ideology, it's because they ultimately agree with the ideology, not for some surface level aesthetic reason of "fitness" or whatever. They are antisemitic, they are racist, they are eugenicists, plain and simple. They don't just think the Nazis are cool except for all their beliefs. I also think (and again I could be missing a part of the video here) the hyper focus on the Germans and the Soviets and not mentioning Italy is at the very least an oversight too. Mussolini, like Hitler and Stalin, had a pretty big campaign of promoting an ideal strong race which he tied to ancient Romans. Like this was also a country controlled by a fascist dictator that American soldiers fought in idk it just seems weird to me to leave it out. (okay edit i looked up the transcript and he does talk about Italian fascism a little bit but only about how Mussolini rose to power, nothing about his ideologies or anything really related to the main topic of body image).

And one more thing on that note that bothered me a lot. I think his claims about HIV/AIDS is probably the most well-known here on tumblr and has been pretty thoroughly destroyed by this point, but I do just want to say one more thing about it which is that AIDS isn't gone! I feel like they way he talks about it from what I've seen of this video makes HIV/AIDS sound like a problem of the past now that we have drugs for it, but that is just not the truth. There are still tens of thousands of new infections in the US each year and way more globally and yes, people do still die from it. I just don't like when people talk about AIDS as if it's this problem of the distant past, a separate era that people went through in the 80s rather than an ongoing epidemic that still does not have a cure. Safer sex, clean needle usage, and getting tested are just as important now as they were in the 80s and 90s and don't forget that.

[burnwater13]

Concept art by Christian Alzmann. Image depicts Grogu sitting on Ossus and holding a frog in mid air using the Force, while Luke Skywalker (partially in frame) sits watching him. Image from The Book of Boba Fett, Season 1, Episode 6, From the Desert Comes a Stranger.

Djarin had noticed that Grogu was being more and more rebellious and more obstinate when it came to doing simple things like cleaning his room, helping with chores around the cabin, and minding his manners when they travelled anywhere other than Tatooine. He’d tried to talk to his apprentice about what was going on, but Grogu would just wave him off and ask what they were having for their next meal. 

The Mandalorian sighed just thinking about how often that had happened lately. Simply reminding him not to slam doors around the cabin became a routine discussion. The last time he asked Grogu to be a little more careful, his son just pouted at him until he returned the damaged door to its frame. Djarin had to take it to his work shop to repair the hinges, which had gotten bent and somewhat mangled. 

It was a tell tale that Grogu had used the Force to close the door, rather than just leaving it open while he did whatever he needed to do. He tried to talk to Grogu about that too. Being more careful when he was using the Force. That just produced more pouting and a comment the boy obviously thought he hadn’t heard, ‘I wish I was back on Ossus’. Ouch. That had hurt. 

Din Djarin had never seen himself as a potential parent or even the training officer for another bounty hunter or Mandalorian warrior. It had been hard enough for him to learn to do those things for himself. He’d been grateful to the Mandalorians who had saved him all those years ago, but that had quickly turned into a constant state of panic and anxiety. He was so far behind the other kids his age. He had to work so hard and he’d messed up so many times. 

There was the time his squad, they couldn’t have been more than twelve years old or so,  had been given a very simple task. The five of them needed to infiltrate a warehouse operated by some merchants on Concordia and bring back ‘proof’ of their success. Djarin had suggested that they bring back a vid showing that they had arrived, entered, performed their perimeter check, and left without being apprehended. Simple right? Wrong.

The others agreed right up to the point that they realized the warehouse contained all sorts of weapons and ammunition. He had order the other members of the squad to return the items. This task was about having discipline and following orders, not running amok. They disagreed and proceeded to take whatever they could carry. He refused to do the same.

At the time it proved to be a good thing. He was the only one who could open or close any of the doors and access points they had used to gain entry. When they returned to the enclave, he reported his squad to their commander for failing to follow the mission parameters. His training officer was quiet while he reported and while he hadn’t felt good, he hadn’t felt bad either. 

“Din Djarin you need to choose who you are. Are you a Mandalorian or are you a boy who can’t handle the responsibilities that are assigned to you? You let them take the weapons. Own it. Or stop it. Don’t complain about it. Do you understand?”

He had swallowed his pride, little that he had and nodded his head. He understood. He was between a rock and a Mandalorian. It was a hard place to be. He had to make a choice and go with it. He hadn’t done that. He heard those words many times as he continued on his path. Own it or stop it. He had heard those words again as soon as he’d seen Grogu’s pram on that trash heap on Nevarro. He couldn’t own it so he had to stop it. 

Now he was standing in the cabin and he and Grogu hadn’t shared a civil word with each other for two days. He’d asked Grogu to please clean up his room and before he knew it there was the sass, the bad attitude, and a door slamming. This time he just let Grogu have the peace and quiet. They spent so much time together and Grogu really needed some friends his own age. People he could complain to and gripe with when Djarin or their parents had asked for one thing too much out of them. That had been something the Mandalorian had really missed from his childhood on Aq Vetina.

Grogu had spent the morning quietly at the table in the main room of the cabin, using his data comp to do something. He wasn’t watching Diggle and Daggle, that much was clear. He didn’t have his headphones on. Djarin had asked him to watch those with headphones on because he found them so distracting. He loved the show and wished he could just lay down his work and watch them with Grogu, but good Mandalorians were disciplined and he was a good Mandalorian. 

He took a deep breath and walked over to his apprentice. His son. His best and most important responsibility and decided to break the icy quiet.

“Whatcha lookin’ at buddy?”

“Love you, dad.”

“Love you too, buddy.”

Djarin had made the right choice and was happy to own it.

[bonesandthebees]

ive been both really busy and also not? hahah but ive been good!! i've been mostly working. today was crazy actually, someone walked into the vet with a bearded lizard?? that they found ?? at the local park?? someone had just abandoned their lizard there ig which was really sad but im glad someone found it and was able to help it!! also the person who found it was a vet tech themselves who used to have bearded lizards so that's good hahahah they were v prepared

our doctor unfortunately doesn't take any exotics so we had to send them to a diff vet but it was cool to see the lizard, he was very sweet and friendly EUEUUEUE

but yeah other than work? mostly just been writing which has been super nice. this is the first year im properly tackling whumptober!! normally i just. pick and choose my fav prompts LMAOO but this year im actually writing for each prompt every day and i've done all 7 days so far!! im super proud of myself rahshshs

i went to my first social dance a couple weekends ago!! that was super funn

i cannot remember if i told you, but i started doing west coast swing lessons!!! since i took a gap year of school while waiting to apply for the vet tech program, i was like "welp i need some sort of hobby that gets me out of the house" so i didnt stew in bad mental health n stuff and i decided to try dance! i'd seen vids of it on my youtube shorts a lot and it always looked so... freeing. and i thought doing something that involved physical activity would be a good idea too since exercise is good for mental health!!

and woww i love it way more than i was expecting HAHHAHASDKFJJK it's so so fun and it really does feel like flying (when you do it with an experienced lead lol, so not always but the times where it's happened i cherish v much <3) and the people?? are all so nice???? like wow i was a bit nervous when i first started but everyone is so welcoming and understanding and super fun to talk to and it's a very accepting environment of queer ppl and i just RAHSHS ITS SOOO LOVELY BEE OH MY GOSHH

but yeah!! so ive been doing that sinceee march but i had yet to go to an actual dance, i'd only done lessons bc i was really nervous lol but also bc its on the weekends and thats when i go visit my mom so its hard to find time. but i finally decided to go no matter what last time (which yeah. almost canceled bc i ended up having two other meetups that day?? it was busy) and im really glad i went it was super fun.

just hoping i can convince one of my friends to go with me one day lol

oh no I'm so sad that someone abandoned their beardie :((( thank god someone found it though and wanted to make sure it was okay. so many people would just leave it so that little guy got lucky with that at least. I love bearded dragons, one of my teachers in high school had one she named Mushu and she would let him just run around the room during class sometimes. he was adorable.

ooooo I hope you're having fun with whumptober!!! you're stronger than me I've never attempted to do all the prompts for something like that. I struggle so much already with keeping things short and I also don't do great with prompts but I admire everyone who can dedicate themselves to that. it's such good writing practice as well

oh that class sounds lovely. tbh it really shows you have a LOT of self awareness to recognize that not only do you need something to get you out of the house, but taking the steps to sign up for a class with physical activity for your mental health. that's really great and you're going to thank yourself later for putting yourself out there like that. and that sounds so much fun!!! manifesting you get one of your friends to join you one day

(also this reminds me I really need to get back in the habit of going to my yoga and other exercise classes. I fell out of it after I got back from my europe trip this summer so I need to get my ass in gear again)

[oraclekleo]

Update:

So I have been up to some things during the weekend, was pretty busy.

My sister came for a visit and because she went by car, she brought me a water melon! Yummy! It's 18 kg, though. I still have a second half of it here with me. It's so much of a water melon! 😂 They didn't have smaller in the store. So I guess I'm just gonna eat nothing else but a melon today (just as I did yesterday and day before... too much of a water melon).

My sister also volunteered to be my test dummy for me to learn how to hypnotise people. It went well from the beginning. I managed to calibrate my voice to a calming monotonous tone, I was slowly guiding her towards calm and relaxation of her body... Then I wanted to guide her to the deepest level of calm and relaxation and the usual way how to do it is to tell the person you are hypnotising to imagine themselves at the top of stairs and with each step down they take, they become more and more relaxed and calm, right? So I did just that and...

MY DUMBASS SISTER TRIPPED ON THE VERY FIRST STEP OF THE IMAGINARY STAIRS AND ROLLED DOWN!

No joke! I told her to take a first step and she suddenly twitched and started laughing telling me she tripped on the stairs! How wrecked does your brain have to be that it makes you trip on imaginary stairs? 😂 So there was no way we could continue. We will try again next time but I'll probably use different metaphor than the stairs. 😂

Apart from making my sister roll down imaginary stairs, I was sorting clothes this weekend. It's becoming hotter so I need to unpack the summer clothes. I also still have so much of mom's clothes here. She passed away nearly a year ago and it's time for me to just put it all away but it's pretty hard to do. I'm gonna be donating a great deal of of it all to charity. But it's not a finished process, there's still a lot of work to be done.

I have also set up a little private tarot corner for myself.

It's cute and in a place where my home office screens and laptop used to be.

I also had a weird dream... I described it to my friend so let me just copy/paste the messages so I don't have to type it all down again:

Although… I did have a dream last night… No dogs involved 😂 Which is already weird, right? But it was like… I had a guy friend… I don't remember his face clearly… I only know he had like black longer and slightly wavy hair. Probably a latino type? I'm not sure. Anyway! I was on video call with him and while the dogs weren't present in the dream, he said he liked the last vid I shared where I cuddled Dachi in the morning in bed (why would I record it and also share with anyone, I don't know) and that he's envious of it. And because it's something I hear all the time that people are envious about my dogs' life, I was just joking about it. But he seemed to be a bit fixated on the topic and started to asking what he would have to do to be also cuddled like that by me. And clearly we had a video call because he was far away so I brought up the geographical distance. And he suggested he could visit me and kept asking whether I would give him a cuddle and head scratch (thanks for putting this into my dreams, btw.) if he came for a visit. So I wanted to turn it into a joke and told him only if he wears a collar. I'm starting to feel like I'm dodging a bullet in the dream but that guy says he's booking a flight right now. And then I woke up because dogs smelled a fox a or cat outside through the open windows or something and growled and barked… Anyway, in like 2 minutes I fell back asleep And I was back in that dream only… like… later on. And I was living in my own house, not in an apartment. In a house with a garden. And interestingly enough with one of my former co-workers as my roommate (female co-worker). But the house still had like guest bedroom and this latino vibe giving guy for a visit and was in that guest room, apparently. And in that dream… It's a bit confusing for a little. I think he sent me a text message that he's waiting in bed for the morning cuddles and also sent a me selfie with him wearing a collar. I still have no idea what his face looked like but the collar was purple… like bright purple colour. I did went to see him in the bedroom. He did have a pretty torso and neck, yes 🤣 And I remember like combing his hair with my fingers and his hair was like really nice, too. That was good. I don't know what products he used but worked great 😂 I should have asked… Yeah… This guy was like purring and burying his face into my neck as I was scratching his head. That was a bit… too touchy for my usual taste but clearly I didn't mind in the dream too much. I mean, I also usually don't have this type of dreams. Must be all the audios I listen to recently 😂 They start rewiring my brain to be more open towards physical intimacy 

So yeah... That's what I have been up to this weekend.

How did you do?

[beautifulpersonpeach]

Indigo is so fucking good. Every song is so impeccably made? The production is worthy of a Grammy nomination, the caliber of collaborating artists begs highlighting again, the album's cohesiveness is seamless. Plus the performances? You know what, scratch what I said. RM didn't meet my expectations, he exceeded them. Like, Indigo is objectively one of the best albums released this year and Hobi's Jack in the Box was nothing to sneeze at either, but Indigo is far more polished.

I've not posted lately, partly because I've been having way too much fun with the Namjoon mania right now. I mean yes it hurts Jin enlisted, but I think we had more than enough time to prepare for something that is really only up for him to experience. And I trust he'll be fine because he's a very capable person. I wish him good luck and health the entire time he serves and afterwards, same as I wish for all the guys. And that video of them sending him off was the absolute sweetest thing. Really.

*

Back to Indigo. Have y'all watched the RM Live in Seoul @ Rolling Hall?

*

Some weeks ago I'd talked about wanting to attend, but unfortunately I couldn't go. So you can imagine how happy I was when BigHit posted the recording. This live performance video is again, so well made. RM created such a compelling and intimate experience that it translates perfectly on camera.

I watched the whole vid in one sitting. Then went to do other things, had friends come over given previous plans, cooked and baked with them, and then we ate everything we cooked watching the Indigo live together (me for the second time that day). There were 8 of us and 5 knew next to nothing about RM (2 of the 5 had "heard of BTS somewhere").

All of us were his bitches by the time the performance was done. One of them ordered Joon's album afterwards.

And the featuring artists who performed? Seeing Paul Blanco pull off those runs live is a must. And I think it's really cool that the artists were able to comfortably interact with ARMYs.

I love his voice. His vocals the entire time was strong, steady, smooth. And let's be honest, a lot of times it's not any of those things. But in this performance Joon is in his element. He's prepared. The material he's working with is almost flawless and its the sort only his genius can produce. When I told y'all that with my background this album makes me feel seen with how tastefully it fuses Black and Korean influences, I meant it. And while I know that other k-pop albums this year have also been incredible at this (Minho's Chase is a recent example), I think it means something more that Joon actually wrote this music. Yes he worked with a team, but everything about Indigo, every song on it, is his invention. And that's so hot.

It's difficult to rank the songs because they each suit very different moods equally well. Right now: Closer, Still Life, Lonely, Change Pt 2, Forg_tful, All Day, Yun, and the bridge of Wild Flower are favourites..

*

(Namjoon has the prettiest eyes in BTS)

*

I love that this album served as the inspiration for Joon to create more music.

(Translation credit: @/MoonieJoonieee and consider reading the entire interview linked here)

It reminds me of his conversation with Pharrell earlier this year.

All in all, I am so happy for Joon and I feel proud of him. He did so well with this album.

[withered-rose-unbreakable-lotus]

Finally uploaded the Uluru Games patch part 1. Technically I uploaded it a couple of hours ago, but then it hit me I wanted to go overboard with the thumbnail again, so I chose to upload the video cause I was already 5-10 minutes late and add the thumbnail whenever I was done.

It is a bit laggy this time, I don't know why, but I came up with an idea to maybe cover that for part 2 so there is still hope for this series of vids to not get completely ignored cause the game suddenly felt like not working like it usually does.

I wanted to go with a more comedic thumbnail of me yelling at Spathodea to stop the fire while wearing oven mitts and heat resistant glasses with Desert, Medicine and perhaps Vertin, if I found a good picture, hiding behind me, but oddly enough, oven mitts is the hardest stock picture to find apparently. I found thousands of pictures with kitchen gloves but nb had oven mitts so I chose to find a shield instead to maintain the absurdity of my idea, even if it doesn't look as fun as actually having mitts on and trying to grab Ulu. *nods*

[melestiasworld]

enneagram > MBTI ?? (am I really saying that !?)

I was researching my enneagram type lately and I have a lot to unwrap

Amidst my attempt to organize the endless tabs on my phone, I stumbled upon an old Enneagram test result. It was surprisingly spot-on, articulating behaviors I've long recognized but struggled to articulate.

I'm a 9w1, and I've been watching Dr. Tom LaHue's videos about my type.

He was saying that 9s can, if not careful, mistake the taste, goal of other's for their own- something I know I tended to do a lot when I was younger Back then, I craved uniqueness so intensely I wanted to dress up differently, listen to different music -being like everyone else was disgusting to me. Looking back, I might have resembled a type 4 during that phase

but I'm glad I had this phase, it helped me cultivate my confidence and identity

I've also noticed a pattern where I struggle to voice my opinions naturally. It's something I've had to learn the hard way.

it takes effort for me to really put myself in thinking mode to connect with my true self and figure out what I truly desire Yet, when a topic strikes a chord, I don't hesitate to speak up. Tom was also saying how my default response to a question or a request is always “yes” when it should actually be “no”, so that I accept only what I truly desire

“you can find your real “yes” only by saying “no””

I mean, I already knew that of me, and what really helps me is seeing other people being assertive in their opinions

I love people-watching and seeing people stand their ground inspires me

I've recognized that I sometimes fear expressing my voice because I don't want to burden others. I'm capable of understanding multiple perspectives, making every option seem acceptable—but what do I truly want?

Combining assertiveness with kindness has been a struggle. I've been aware of this aspect of myself for some time, and I'm committed to improving.

We all have patterns that emerge when we're not in a healthy place. and the enneagram helps you see more clearly on this. In the vid, mr tom was going through the levels of health of 9s going from the worst to the best, I've stopped to the first because it resonated too much with me : My brain will do anything to keep me away from feeling any type of negative emotion, this actually has been really detrimental at one point in my life

I will get lost in my priorities and the things I need to get done so I’m doing fucking useless tasks like cleaning my shoes, cutting my bangs, or sorting the tabs on my phone when I have more pressing matters

I became aware of this problem a while ago when speaking to a therapist, did I buy a book to help me regulate my emotions? yes

did I read it? no

when will i read it ? who knows

dr. really putted the finger where it hurts, i think i really got to work on that

that was also said in some of the videos, 9w1’s are scared to be a burden or to be a burden because our biggest inner fear is being rejected by the ones we love

deep down I know that it is very true -nothing can keep people from leaving me

but what’s interesting would be to discover why do I harbor this fear of abandonment? Why do I crave safety so desperately? nobody really abandoned me, nor left me, I never had problems making friends, so where does it come from? I’m going to look into that during the several hours of reflections I have during my nightly reflections

I thought I had myself all figured out, that I’ve spent too much time pondering my identity, my values, and desires Yet life just keeps impressing me and putting me in situations where I have to work on myself again and evolve

its like rediscovering myself, or building a new version of me

I do not want to die knowing I haven’t achieved the final version of me; I want to reach my full potential

but I'm so thrown between the melissa who strives for greatness and has all of those crazy goals and the melissa who wants to rot in bed and do absolutely nothing - a topic for another rant

[mayalaen]

saturday story time #3

The third and final story time to sum up the last few months!

This one isn’t so much my family as the main cause, but rather their reaction to what happened that’s made life.. interesting.

My psych doc started out as a regular doc and got into psych when she worked in a hospital with lots of behavioral health admissions (across the street from the state prison for the criminally insane).

She’s taken care of my whole family for like 15 years now. She’s got a very strong personality, and when we need something, she makes sure we get it.

She fought Phillips Respironics (the biggest manufacturer of CPAP and other respiratory therapy products in the world) bc they were going to make my mom wait for 2-3 years before replacing a CPAP machine that was leaking little pieces of rubber into the hose and going into patients’ lungs.

My pdoc got them to replace it within 3 weeks of us telling her they wanted us to wait.

And she’s done tons of stuff for us including helping to get a few of us on disability for mental issues even when none of us thought we were in need of it (haha yes we thought we were just normal enough to get by but apparently the government was like OH NO here have this disability please and don’t work for a company ever!)

She calls me a lot and we talk. She probably tells me way more than she should, but she knows I don’t spread stuff, and we kinda leaned on each other when it came to work and family and the medical system itself.

She would even talk about tough medical cases with me that they were having trouble solving and it was exciting to be involved in all that again. I helped a few people get treatment for things that I remembered from working all over the country but the docs where she worked didn’t know about. The way my brain links things and sees patterns definitely comes in handy with medical stuff.

Anyway, a few months ago she called me and was like “give me 3 weeks to get through what’s happening right now and then change your PCP to someone else.”

She didn’t explain, but I knew she was having trouble with the last few places she worked at. She made sure all our meds were refilled for three months, which was very cool of her, but it was weird to just hear nothing else from her!

Back when the pan/demic hit, she decided to stay home to work bc her mom has a bad immune system, and she’s been doing Co/vid test results and teledoc for 2 years. One year ago she started working at a Co/vid clinic.

And boy howdy were Co/vid clinics corrupt! Within weeks she was telling me so much shit it was blowing my mind.

All these places popped up at the beginning of the pan/demic and were milking the government for money while not doing 95% of the things they said they did and a lot of places were selling vac/cine cards to people who didn’t get vac/cinated.

The government wasn’t checking into it because they had enough going on, and all these corrupt business people got away with it for almost 3 years. They were taking government loans and aide too.

Until they started talking about dropping the federal emergency (it didn’t end until last month, but they were talking about it for a while).

And then the shit hit the fan.

Corrupt doctors and and business owners left in the middle of the night! Like seriously just abandoned these places over the course of about 2 weeks, taking everything of value and locking the doors.

They didn’t inform the employees, so the employees, non-corrupt docs, and nurses showed up the next morning to locked doors on these businesses with weeks of labor left unpaid.

My pdoc and a bunch of others got together, got a lawyer, who realized how big this was and got other lawyers involved, and this quickly became a country-wide case.

But then I didn’t hear from her for a few weeks.

And then came the call where she hurriedly said to change my PCP.

It’s been four months since then and none of us have been able to get a hold of her. Her website has been down ever since, her phone is being answered by someone new who has her number and doesn’t know her, and all the insurance companies say she just isn’t registered anymore.

So I don’t know if shit got really bad to the point where even the good guys went down or maybe she took a settlement and retired with the agreement that she not speak to anybody? Or maybe she actually was one of the corrupt ones? I just don’t know.

Suddenly the family was left without a doctor, but I wasn’t freaking out because I figured I’d just get me, my mom, and my dad to a new place and that’s that. A pain in the ass but doable.

That’s when the rest of my family called and was like HALP!!!

They had no idea what to do because my pdoc had taken care of everything for so long that they didn’t understand insurance and the medical system anymore, which I do.

So they all expected me to get everything of theirs changed and make them appointments and get them meds and...

I was like uhm no. You’re adults. I’m taking care of enough stuff. If you get stuck and need help I’ll answer questions, but you have to do this.

So for weeks they were running around like the sky was falling, but they got everything worked out eventually.

I’m starting to catch up on 3 years of missed doc and specialist appointments now with me and my parents, so that’s a relief.

But yeah that federal emergency thing dropping last month means a lot of those places are being investigated now, but I have no idea how many they’ll catch given the fact that everybody who saw the axe coming took off.

[viscountessevie]

queen charlotte’s first meeting scene is as rip off from magnificent century kösem. i hope this will become bigger news when show starts

https://twitter.com/aofaglover/status/1573758456737124352?s=46&t=Cj8-wxU3Iw5Sa0s-i59iAw

Just wanna put this disclaimer out before anyone starts reading under the cut: Despite this ask & post and my own feelings about the show, it has been really heartwarming to see BIPOC fans delight in this show and my fandom friends gushing to me about this :D That is something no one can take away from them and I'm very glad they enjoyed it!

[This is also my first and last post on QC so my overall thoughts on the show and everything surrounding it will be there at the end!]

Hello again yall!! I actually started writing this a month ago when I was in Bali with my fam but could never find a good pic comparing George and Julian lmaooo so I gave up on it for a while. Also I've been hella busy at work but I'm back for a bit!

Heya anon! I'm not sure if I blogged about it but the moment the first teaser of their meet cute dropped, every one who has seen Turkish drama kicked up a fuss on Twitter. As they should!!

This is the original clip in question:

Alot of people did talk about it at the time - especially on Twitter and Reddit and I know a few of my mutuals on here talked about it briefly.

The ripping off was not a great start to the QC promo on top of "Love cures racism". All my friends have given their input on the "realistic" aspect of the show, I agree with their points and don't have much to add on tbh so I'll link the posts here:

Tbh yall can just go through Triv’s QC tag

Honorable Post Mentions: 

On top of this rip off meet cute; I picked this ask cos ever since the first few promo stills dropped my friends and I - particularly Zaira, Triv and Belle - noticed another rip off from our childhoods.

Can yall guess what it is?

Yall he's SO Julian coded please - I love him (this is me saying before the show aired and I won't be watching but the vibes are thereee)

Then the video of QC and LD came out recently (a month ago when I wrote this reply hahah):

Down to the dresses, it's giving:

Shoutout to @hptriviachamp for pointing it out lmao

Sidebar: while I'm not interested in QC's premise, I do love how well India and Arsema are playing their chars (from what I've seen so far) and I WOULD LOVE to see a version of Barbie's Princess and Pauper with these two!! Speaking of them, look at their chemistry in this pic!!

Also me seeing the end of the vid:

All in all to say the Kosem copying was bad and it should be called out but the Barbie references are all in good fun!

Since this is the main ask I've gotten about the show, I'm also going to put my main thoughts here and I don't think I'll be answering any follow up asks because every take has kind of been said and done. I really don't have much to add on since I'm not ever going to watch the show either.

Outside of the show, I adoree that India and Arsema are getting their flowers and the couple is being promoted how they should be! It's all well deserved. A small part of me does feel sad because if this is the PR team going all out, where was all this fanfare for S2, Jimone and Kathony?

However, based on what I've been told:

- I'm glad the chemistry between QC and George was good and everyone enjoyed their romance

- Who on the team hates LD?? Because COME ON martial rape AND giving her a not-hot older man IN VIOLET'S DAD OF ALL PEOPLE?? They did her so dirty. Idc if Lord Ledger gave her the first orgasm of her life, I see that man and no thank you. My girl deserved someone as hot as Adolphus!

- These two things is a HUGE reason why I can't watch the show cos of my triggers: I hate hate how gratuitous they were with the torture porn - both with LD's scenes with her husband (FOURRRR MARTIAL RAPE SCENES THAT'S LAUGHED OFF AS A GAG???) and George getting waterboarded for his mental illness. As someone who experienced SA and has a mental illness, these are very sore subjects for me so no thank you QC, but I will not be tuning in.

Anyway to close this out, congrats to the cast for doing a great job and whoever enjoyed the show, I'm glad you did! Those who read this and agree with me, just know you aren't alone in your critiques of the show. As long as you're being respectful and mindful of the language used, your criticism and enjoyment of the show are both valid!

[deep-hearts-core]

(tonight we're gonna party like it's) 1999

god damn i haven't done one of these in a while. its charlotte nilsson time baybee

Lithuania REAL SHAME about this staging. it's a nice song and aiste has a great voice clearly but she doesn't have the right kind of stage presence for this. the dancing around that she was doing didn't feel right for this genre, it was discordant and distracting. also the pink lighting didn't work. if i could go back in time and fix this i'd tell the lithuanian delegation to keep the camera close on her upper body at all times.

Belgium nice song nice voice well staged but she's too damn quiet. i can't really hear her. especially at the beginning. sad bc i have no other complaints about this one except for maybe "is that guy blowing into a horseshoe crab?".

Spain she's a good singer so it's a shame about that dress. also, the verses are kind of boring and i only really enjoy the chorus. also, i keep misremembering this song as having the tune of a bosnian song called "zena svijetom upravlja" or something like that that a friend of mine submitted to a tumblr fancontest forever ago. also also, did i mention that dress? distracting.

Croatia love the "ah-ah-ah-ah"s in the chorus. favorite thing about this song. (maybe because that's what's familiar because that's the thing that everyone puts in the fourth place compilation recap vids or whatever). she looks nice in that dress i guess but something feels kind of off with the staging. i can definitely tell that this followed immediately after dana international. there's something in the way she's moving that's making it clear she's trying to imitate dana in some way.

UK i love this one!! love a girl band, the main singer is really good, and those silver outfits are great. that "say it again, say yeah" is the most catchy/memorable line i've heard so far tonight that i hadn't already seen in a recap video. unfortunately one of the girls was a little pitchy in the high harmonies and that got on my nerves a little.

Slovenia i mean i don't love it but there's nothing to hate about it really. she sounds good. nice classic eurovision ballad.

Turkey this is every turkish entry ever, right? it's not bad really it's just not my speed. i spent most of my time watching this thinking about danish barbershop quartet the clementones and admiring the stage, because this year's stage is cool. more on that later.

Norway ngl kind of disappointed? the dance routine was good, i guess? idk it's not my kind of song and he wasn't great vocally. and that shirt wsa sort of. a choice. didn't work imo.

Denmark you can always count on denmark to do a good happy duet with a guitar. love this. if they hadn't fucked up that very last note this would have been absolutely perfect to me. <3

France like if that song "free fallin'" got eurovision'd.

Netherlands early dutch country is also every eurovision song that follows it for the next like 5-6 years, more at 10! nah but it's alright. and she's pretty, which helps. the song started before she started singing and i was like "?? this is gonna be so good?" and then i remembered it was the netherlands and my expectations instantly went medium. lol.

Poland great belt on this man. not like a literal belt but like his voice near the end when he's belting his high notes, that's good. good tone. song's ok i guess.

Iceland this song slams and i fucking love it in studio but the staging was... a little too over the top, tbh?

Cyprus her voice isn't a good fit. the slow start goes on for just a little too long and she's just kind of shrill.

Sweden it's good, i can see why it won, but her outfit is just so MUCH. i hope it was a candidate for barbara dex. the eyeshadow. the flesh colored fabric underneath the pretend crop top. no thank you charlotte.

Portugal not bad. rui bandeira is kind of a guy who looks like a girl who looks like a boy iykwim. idk it kinda sounds like all the other ones.

Ireland this song is too low for them and it does funny things to their tone quality. too much vibrato.

Austria she's cute, i like the guitar line, this is very radio-friendly and american in a way that allowed me to like... yes tune out but not tune all the way out and just kind of vibe.

Israel it is a sign of how brainpoisoned i have become that i saw a quartet of guys on the stage and thought, "ah yes, the guy in the different shirt is the lead, he has the tenor and the bass on either side of him, and the other guy is the bari". i'm in hell. good song though. i mean i guess. why is it happy birthday?

Malta their harmonies aren't really locking. given, i have a much higher bar for that these days due to the aforementioned brainpoison, but still, some of these chords are heinous. also the song is just sort of not good.

Germany song is alright except for the bridge which is unnecessarily cheesy. i mean, even for the thing that it is, which is a eurovision song.

Bosnia & Herz d... dino merlin? idk this one is weird, they're like conjugating french verbs or something and also this one was muted in the video archive i had and the dino merlin official youtube upload had terrible audio quality so i feel like i can't really judge it

Estonia the onstage aesthetic vibe of this is beautiful, and i like the song, too. it's a shame that it's not a good vocal fit for evelin. a clear precursor to randajad and good use of the stage too.

My top 23 1)Denmark 2)Estonia 3)Portugal 4)Iceland 5)Sweden 6)Austria 7)Belgium 8)Poland 9)Israel 10)Germany 11)UK 12)Slovenia 13)Spain 14)Croatia 15)Ireland 16)Turkey 17)Netherlands 18)Lithuania 19)Cyprus 20)France 21)Norway 22)Bosnia 23)Malta

shoutouts again to my friend rachel's prefsorter, because we can't always have gerbear

Miscellaneous commentary the little cgi tour of europe at the beginning was cute. but also very funny because of how squished together and contiguous everything was. lmao @ the host greeting the "distinguished guests" and everyone there in nice clothes. like wow the contest has changed in 20 years obsessed with these postcards btw. cartoon eve fully tits out. jesus represented as a hot guy in a suit. joseph and his brothers singing in barbershop harmony. the baby moses video game. priceless recaps are so short? i already have a hard time remembering how each song goes but like the recap snippets help absolutely not at all lol at the sun prop. it was a really excellent stage, honestly, a lot of contestants were able to use it really well, but after last year's debacle i just kept giggling whenever i saw the thing move. overall like...it's hard to judge the songs in this era, it's hard to rank them, because really i don't like most of them? like they just aren't really my style. i feel like for many of the 90s rankings the margins between songs are going to be very thin and i'm going to have trouble remembering a lot. i don't listen to a lot of 90s music so it's like... ok? sure? do i even know if this is good? no i don't!

[im-always-the-problem-its-me]

good god, i make a lot of promises i just can't keep

i forgot about tumblr again and every time i feel myself falling into depression (probably depression...i don't know...i've only ever been diagnosed with "situational depression" following grief or some kind of trauma or whatever...i struggled with the 'i don't know why i feel this way for no reason' stuff since i was a teen, but honestly i had a reason then, i have reasons now...they're often the same...so i dunno...i just don't feel right at all lately) i remember that it exists and that it's a space to just spew whatever anonymously and i need that sometimes.

my journal is so shit lately. just a record keeping thing a la Virginia Woolf or something. i've been busy 'living'. doing the music writing thing i talked about during my last update (which was like 9 months ago!) i've been a 'working writer' again i think. i want to step back from the music scene stuff though because it's exhausting and i'm poor and can't always go out to see shows all the time. a lot are free but in bars or restaurants where i'd feel like a total dick if i didn't buy something and since i'm a public transport rider sometimes i have to plan long stays and a girl has got to eat which can get expensive as hell downtown. i'm also getting poems published, winning poetry contests (!) (I don't know how honestly) and working on a poetry book for a contest with a deadline approaching. (i'm not worried, i'm almost done even though i haven't looked at the manuscript in over a week...it will be sent in, and early...honestly, it will be) i'm giving readings, attending events, going to writing groups...you know....WORK

making promises again...there i go. i have to stop doing that. i should start being honest. 'yeah, i'll write you back...when i feel like it..." (it's nothing personal...sometimes i'm just like 'i'm in a mood and don't want to snail mail you a letter of woe and terror'....and yes i have a bunch of penpals all over and i love contributing to the dying art of mailing handwritten letters and receiving them) 'yeah, local musican, i'll come out and tour your home recording studio and do a write-up of it...as soon as i don't find it exhausting to leave my bed....oh and even while i'm in this bed...i'm still nodding off over books, notebooks. the laptop, the stupid fucking cell phone i contemplate throwing into the lake every other day...as soon as i feel like i don't want to crawl out of my skin...whenever that will be...time undetermined." that's honesty. i'm walking around thinking or saying out loud 'i don't know what's wrong with me' because i don't.

my mother is telling me maybe i'm going through 'the change of life'. When have i not been going through some 'change of life'? i dunno. my cycle got weird but i read that was probably because of my having cov*d (AGAIN!) and what can that virus NOT do, seriously? this last round was 'mild' i guess but goddammit i hate that fucking illness. every time i swear it takes years off of my life. it probably does. don't get me started on vacc**es. they obviously don't fucking work to prevent and i have no way of knowing 'would it be worse if i wasn't unvacc**ated?' like so many people feel like they need to ask me. no one can know...we're all the mercy of something we can't control. i know someone who lost someone to c*vid and they were vacc**ated so all that 'be a good person and get the jab' stuff was a fucking lie. try not to get sick. it's not your fault if you do either. don't let anyone make you feel like it's your fault you caught any kind of illness, EVER. all i know is that it SUCKS to have it. it's SCARY still. i hate it.

i hate a lot lately. my outlook is so bleak these days. i get in that whole 'what's the point of doing anything?' mode more often than i'd like. i'm tired of the entire internet either being some bigot cess pool or a bunch of 'do-gooders' trying to guilt everyone into sharing their delusion that they can 'save the world' with them. look, i can't. i can't save this place. i can't save you or anyone. i can barely survive. also, i don't give a fuck about your politics at all and no i'm not participating in any election ever again. you don't have enough time nor do you care to hear why. so don't ask. 'choose the best for right now'. ok, i'm choosing me and my sanity, then.

i'm reading books i've read dozens of times. wurtzel. frame. plath poetry. watching the same movies over and over again or watching every video this one girl on youtube ever made because i like her voice...i don't even care what she's talking about half the time...i can barely focus on it...but her voice soothes me and the things she does talk about that capture my attention, really do capture it. also can't stop listening to fall out boy, ethel cain, and joy division. on repeat. odd mix, but okay.

people have pain i can't do anything about but relate to and i hate that. others are so far away and growing even farther away. i hate that too. my 'childhood issues' keep coming back to the forefront of memory and i hate all that too. i didn't even realize how shitty a lot of it was that wasn't so obvious. like the obvious things were obvious...being physically ab*used, etc...but other things like being forced to sleep in a room with a rat in it, not because there was no other place to sleep (totally a spare bedroom with no one in it available) but because you let the rat in by winning this giant stuffed animal from a carnival that obviously had the rat living in it because there was this rat sized hole in it that no one noticed until it was too late. i'm like 9. unable to sleep because i hear that thing scurrying around for over a week before a trap finally caught it. terrified that it's going to bite me and give me some disease or something. i was even told when i did leave my room 'don't let that thing out of there'. i mean, really? now i'm terrified of every furry cute creature (except chipmunks, i love chipmunks) and don't even get me started on spiders. i hate summer for so many reasons but bugs and spiders is probably worse than the heat.

oh and yeah wtf. why is it still 80 degrees out? maybe i'm just impatient, and not actually depressed. (here i am, in denial again) i see that october is going to bring some actual autumn temps and maybe that will pull me out of the funk. or maybe i'm just fucked? i don't know.

i hate days when i try to write poems and it's all shit, which has been how i've felt about anything poetic i've attempted to write in the last week and a half. i was on such a roll. but hey i've got a shit ton to edit so whatever.

i think i can declare myself 'too old' for the internet anytime now. i want out of the social media shit but it's not practical right now especially since i'm getting all these opportunities. i just want tumblr. or maybe i want tumblr from 15 years ago? everything's changed.

i just need more self discipline. 'why am i scrolling this shit?' 'yes, WHY ARE YOU?' we did this to ourselves.

ok i'm getting blown up with texts from someone i actually want to chat with so there's another conundrum. communication with others is something i'm addicted to. i can only say that i'm glad i'm doing more face-to-face connecting than being glued to the handheld box day after day. but yeah, sometimes you just aren't able to see people all the time. ok, ok...i'm going to respond to these texts now...

baiii