#this was back in the early 2010s though and i didnt see it talked about as much but i think my introduction was crona from soul eater

[moonpaw]

Trekking hasn't made any actual statements on the Yamato pronouns situation but it's definitely just him being confused and not actually transphobic. Something that's been left out is the context of him being like a relatively young, rural, cishet, white guy who honestly given what I've seen watching him basically since he started might not have really understood that trans people exist until watching one piece and eventually talking about the series online. Also despite the Yamato confusion he's very good about the pronouns of other trans and gnc characters. ( anecdotally I've also always felt very welcomed by his content and community as a trans person myself.)

you know what, if he's just a newcomer to the scene and still learning, then yeah! i can believe that

it takes time for people to figure things out they're unfamiliar with, and as long as there's no ill will behind it then i suppose you can just hope he'll figure it out eventually

‎

[l0calalien-blog]

Stucky

I have to write this somewhere because i rewatched first avenger with my girlfriend last night and i had a thought (one of many) about steve and bucky!

first, i want to say that they are in love with each other. soulmates. i love them. they are my boys. my boyfriends. my everything.

HOWEVER, I believe that bucky is more in love with steve than steve is bucky. hear me out on this one.

1920s-30s ~ back then it was obviously illegal to be gay and would have been seen as something of the 'devils work' and we know that steve is religous as he makes comments on it in the avengers film, this would also make sense for the times. so i believe that steve was probably ignoring his feelings for bucky or telling himself that his feelings were platonic. i think steve also probably didnt believe that he was good enough for anyone, let alone bucky, which could be a reasoning for his blatent uninterest in women bucky tries to set him up with. while i think bucky also had the same feelings when it came to the religous parts of homobophia back then, i believe he had more confidence and felt safe with steve to tell him his feelings were more than platonic. i think bucky told him his feelings and steve softly rejected him saying that "it was wrong but he too loved him".

1940s ~ we learn in shehulk that steve did, infact, loose his virginity to a 'girl' in the early 40s, but steve also says in the first avenger that he never really had time for girls and had never really spoke to one before peggy. this could, could, indicate that bukcy and steve did have a secret relastionship and steve just told everyone that it was a girl??? i think at the point where steves post serium and has now been shown that peggy is clearly into him his whole heart belongs to her (as it would me too). i believe steve is too deep in love with peggy to even notice that bucky (still) has feelings for him, which we can see that bucky is from the way he looks at steve and peggy in first avenger after they return back to camp and also later in the bar. i think bucky the retaliates in fake stright with trying to flirt with peggy, being petty that shes getting all of steves attention.

2010s ~ at this point steves mourned buckys loss and has had time to get through the pain, but he would have also seen that the progression with gay rights had come along way since the 1940s and that it was a lot more acceptable. so when he sees bucky again in winter solidier his whole world shifts- his best friend is alive, peggys out the question, buckys evil, buckys beautiful (all things he must have been thinking at the time...)- after bucky and steve fight in winter solider and bucky saves steve shows steve that their love is still there even if its buried. then by civil war steves had time to process his feelings and realise hes in love with bucky and has been all along that he goes AGAINST THE GOVERNMENT and HIS CLOSE FRIENDS because they dont like his boyfriend. nearly beating tony to death because he tried to hurt bucky. even though now steve has had time to think about his feelings bucky is now heavily traumatised and needs time to process the past 70 years, he woudlnt have much time to think about his feelings for steve. while hes in wakanda and hes healed from hydras brainwashing he can MAYBE start thinking about steve but then the next time they see each other they are going into another war, in which bucky then dies leaving steve alone with the guilt of not being able to save everyone and love of his life.

2020s ~ once they get everyone back and steve and bucky are together again they are thrown into ANOTHER war so they still dont have time to talk. then they probably only get a few days or just hours to talk before steve goes back in time for peggy- because even after all of that steves had YEARS, i mean YEARS, without bucky and never really knowing how he feels about him steve probably healed (as much as he could) so his heart stayed focused on peggy because he always knew how she felt about him and him her. it was safe. comforting. and steves been through so much he just wanted something normal so thats why he went back for peggy, leaving bucky in the modern world alone. bucky clearly knew what steve was going to do with the stones from the small nod and smile he gave him, it seemed more like a goodbye than sams did, showing that bucky was letting steve go, giving him his concent to go.

----------------------------------------------------------

so what im saying is. marvel fucked my favourite gays over and they deserved more time together.

[mosviqu]

ISTJ review 🪐

istj - the song itself isnt bad at all,, and maybe its just me not being into the neo sound lately, but it just seems...too all over the place ?? like the verses are good, im not a fan of the chorus tho and idkidk it didnt leave an impression on me,, kind of disappointed if i may say so myself 😭 also i know mbti is a trend in korea rn but was this needed as an album concept..? 5/10 for me. broken melodies - we already estabilished that this song slaps i love it so much !! especially chenle and renjuns vocals in this. the concept is very good and the chorus is AMAZIIING 10/10 !! yogurt shake - right off the bat sounds very vibey i love the instrumental. rap went off, chenle's voice is angelic. however i dont see myself listening to this often i got bored towards the end 😭 6,5/10. skateboard - u already know im a bitch for anything skaterboy related lets goo!! the beginning is so good we love,, has big high school musical/disney teen movies vibes for some unknown reason 😭😭 tbz skateboard >>> dream skateboard tho im so sorry and for that reason this song is a 7/10. blue wave - summer vibes! the vocals!! feel good song !! the whistling is a very cool element. do i see myself listening to this song though? no. no i dont. 6/10. poison - hyuck 👀 okayyyy okayyyy. reminds me of early 2010 songs for some reason. i appreciate the beauty of this song however i am getting kind of bored 😭 just got to jaemin's part in the song why did it sound so awkward i- okay anyways its a 6/10 for me. SOS - OKAY MARKKKKKK OKAYYY THIS IS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUTTT. WE COULD DO WITHOUT THE WEIRD NEO INTRO BUT THE RAPS SLAPPPP OH RENJUN OKAYYYY SLAY WITH THE VOCALSS ????? oh no we have whispering now. the beat goes HARDDD 😩😩😩😩 if this song was a man its dig would be massive. renjuns parts make me wanna get on my knees in front of him iykwim 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭 and the ENDINGGG okay we ascended into another universe. 9/10 for this one im ENJOYING myself. pretzel (♡) - i have no words to describe this song like im listening and no thoughts are in my brain. not in a good way tho like i dont hate it but i dont like it i have... no feelings about this song. 5/10. starry night - same as pretzel tbh altho i find myself feeling more positive about this song...? no particular thoughts 5,5/10 not my vibe. like we just met - okay not bad not bad i like the acoustic guitar !! the harmonies are super pretty and the bridge is insanely beautiful and so are the adlibs in the end !! 7,5/10 !! :)

this album was..not for me clearly 😔😔 or maybe its because im not into the neo sound lately ?? this happened to me with glitch mode as well and then i got back into my nct phase and loved all the tracks so idk idk maybe its my mood after all, we'll see with time :/

my top 3 (considering those are the only ones that made it into my playlist) are broken melodies, SOS and skateboard :)

[adelle-ein]

hi! i cant believe i saw ur post about my tags! (no worries about @ing or not @ing me.) and ur SO RIGHT about the quality being too high for 2013… (id also love an aesthetic writeup)

it really was just a surprise because the number of gif creators has been drastically reduced since this post type has been dying out on all other platforms. for me it gave me the similar vibe of recent dvd movies being redesigned for vhs covers (tho not quite that old). it was super charming!

and i hope i didnt imply that your gif work was bad or outdated! i think the colors are quite fitting and the quality speaks for itself.

im quite new to the fe3h and ferdibert scene, so im having a great time trawling tumblr for all the great posts ive missed since 2019. i was quite happy to see this particular gif post because it felt like such a classic tumblr staple, like all ships need (at least) one dedicated set of gifs/edits, and this was the one i needed 🥰

thanks again, for both your original post AND reply!

Hi! I'm glad there's no worries there, I went back and forth for a bit and I didn't want it to feel like a callout post because. it was very much not! I just wanted to talk about gif stuff a little bit

and I definitely don't feel bad about your comments or anything! At first I was surprised but when I went and looked at the gifset I definitely agreed with you (despite nitpicks about the time period heh.) It did make me think about how, in general, I don't think tumblr gif-making trends have continued changing as much since the mid-2010s, and if they have I stopped really keeping up with them. I think some of that is probably just me, esp due to my never buying Photoshop CC (i remember looking at others' methods in maybe 2016ish and seeing that I just didn't have the tools others did anymore. my old CS6 is still chugging along…) but also due to the site becoming less popular over time and there being less interest and fewer people getting into gif-making. Like you said it's a bit of a dying medium, and it's never really been a popular post type on other platforms, so if not for tumblr who would people be making gifsets for?

Lol I definitely feel you about that style of post being an older ship staple though! It used to be such a common thing that every fandom had (albiet less for video games bc that's often harder - I do not honestly remember really making that series of 3h ship gifs but that was definitely dedication to the cause at the time, there was so little media to work with). Now a bit of a dying art alas (including from me since I don't really make many gifs at all anymore….learning to draw instead for a number of reasons)

Anyway yes that was a fun rabbit hole to go down! Genuinely I would love to read a Tumblr gif/graphic aesthetic writeup - putting framerates aside I don't think people really use textures that much anymore for example unless they need a background, and sharpening has definitely been toned down. And fewer song quotes. And filters still lean more pastel than the really saturated stuff in the early 2010s. But I don't really have the time atm to do some kind of deep dive myself…it would be really neat though!

(Also just in general as someone who never left, seeing the site come back to life a little bit as the twitter BS kicked off has been fun…idk if it will last but i'm enjoying it while it does!)

[ennis-rock]

in 2010 a boy from brazil moved to the small island i live on. We were in the same class for 10 years, even though he was a year older.

He went to parties, he got his license and he has two younger siblings. One of them is still a toddler. On a sunday in late january i got a call from my close friend saying he had gone missing. he hadn’t answered his phone after he fought with a friend at a party.

It was late and before i went to bed i prayed, im not religious but my mum always said that its nice to believe in something when it truly matters.

That monday, at 3ish am my partner woke me up. He had been found, he had been found dead, the most probable cause was drowning or freezing to death after hed been in the ocean. I mourned for him, for the child i knew him as. The class clown who always made everyone happy.

Right after the accident i thought about him a lot. i cried in the school bathroom. I never thought i would cry because of him, i didnt really talk to him the last 3 years of his life because we moved away and started separate schools so i didnt think id think about him much.

I feel guilt, i feel guilty for being able to remember him, when i know his youngest sibling wont. I feel guilty for the time i kicked him on accident and he started crying. I feel guilty for holding a grudge towards him after he asked me out as a joke, i feel guilty for leaving his funeral early when i was sick, i feel guilty for not stopping what happened. I feel guilty for feeling guilty.

His funeral was the first time in 3 years i had seen my classmates from that school, i probably wont see them again.

I continue mourning him and thinking about him. All my school memories, hes there, in the back laughing and making others laugh. I pray and hope that nothing like that happens again, no matter who it is.

i miss him, even though i barley thought about him before it happened, i wish i couldve changed what happened. He was a normal teenager who deserved to live

[chelleztjs18]

Hello you 😌

I usually wake up around 5 am or 6am. Then nap and wake up again around 10ish to start work at 11 am.

hahahaha fine I'll be the right eyebag 🤣

It didn't end badly, maybe had some up and downs with my mental health, but hey I am still here yknow. We still keep in contact because the cats are our babies, so we have visitation lol kidding, we remained friends after. I think we are better now as friends, even though we've been together for almost 10 years, I think we rushed into it. Sorry for rambling.

I haven't read all of your oneshots yet. I think I've read 3 or 4 of your oneshots, then 1 or 2 of the series I am following. I made a note though to go back to your masterlist to read everything. I follow a lot of writers and bookmarked everyone's pages to remind me what to read hahaha

Wow thats a crazy story. Definitely understand that whole same sex thing not being accepted in your country. A lot of queer people are afraid to be out and about because it's frowned upon. That's tough to hear that you went through all that though. Love really does make us do stupid crazy things for the other person. Do you regret it?

Also, it is sad that she became toxic towards you at the end. So right now, you guys still talk? Does she still show toxic behavior or just being "nice" and treat you as a friend now?

I'm really not sure about my first love. I'd like to think it was the person I married but then again, there was someone before her that had my heart even though I didn't tell her that I like her.

Tell me a childhood memory that you always enjoy thinking about. Did you have a favorite toy or game?

- CuriousGeorge

Oh wow, thats early.. well my daughter sometimes wakes me up at 7am or 8 is the latest. So ur work time always at the same time? Or it's whatever time u want to start?

Haha yay! Deal, u r the right n im the left.lol.

Ah i see,, aw im so sorry that it effected ur mental health. I hope u r okay n better now? Im here for u if u need someone to talk with. 😊 10 years is a long time for a relationship.. But it's good that now u remain friends with her n even share custody of the cats 😊 as long ad u r happy thats what matters most.

Yeah it was hard. I met her in 2010 so it was like 12 years ago so it has passed time n im okay with it. I hv moved on but it seems that she hasnt. But i know for sure no matter what she does, i wont take her back.

At one point i kinda regret it, i wish i didnt know her but if i didnt meet her i wont know for sure that i'm into women n i wont experience a relationship or dating a woman. She still a nice person she is just lost n unhappy. I actually feel bad for her but she didnt listen to me.

She acts nicer now even sometimes she likes to brought up old memories with me.

Aaaww u never told ur first love? Was it like in young age? Wait, so u were married before?

I dont really rememver my childhood that well, i just remember bits n pieces. I remember i love my video game consoles i had through out the years. Haha. What about u?

Next question?

Cheerio!

[britnxyspears]

wym "younger ppl are obsessed with you"??

On deviantart in the late 2000s/early 2010s people not much younger than me thought I was way older than I was (I grew up with 90s rules about not letting your identity be known online) and talked to me about their terrible and abusive home lives and like, i was used to kids confiding in me as an older kid irl but online for some reason these people didnt have whatever natural boundaries exist person to person and it went from me barely even a teenager trying to help them out and talk to them and stuff because no one else did and a lot of them developed that weird ass... teacher crush thing* or whatever the fuck on me which was jarring to me because even while I was being badly groomed by someone in their late 20s/early 30s on the same damn website up until I was 19, the whole teacher crush type shit weirded me out to no end and I still have nightmares about it because all I was doing was being like... idfk. Blunt but nice and listening to these people because thats exactly what I was doing to my groomers and I thought beyond that it was just the right thing to do, to always listen and be there and help someone. Especially if they're younger or trapped (like I was lol) in their house and controlled by their parents and they could only ever talk to people on a shitty little art website

**idk if teacher crush is the right word, but close enough. I wasn't a teacher but they saw me as older and shit like that 🙃

People my age never did it to me on there so it just freaked me out even more. I mean like... I was being sent long overly detailed notes about how they wanted me to protect them and stuff and how they had romantic feelings for me and it made me freak out and I had NO idea how to respond other than gently being like "hahaha... no, that's weird, I'm like probably closer to your brother's/sister's age" and it never worked.

Irl though there were some kids in my high school that were 4 years younger than me but since I was in their classes they knew me and shit and I guess because I was bickering with the teachers constantly (when you're failed anyways but obviously know the subject it becomes a hobby XD) and stuff they see you as cool to be around. And also because I was the only held back problem kid who wasn't mewn to them or called them stupid just because they didnt take the class thrice by that point like my idiot cousin did.

There was one case though like I said where this lesbian freshman was... VERY obsessed with me because I was the only outed queer kid at school who wasn't like like... out, but like called other people on being shitty and shit about it and then she just became way too friendly and it freaked me out.

This was also the case pretty much word for word with my younger brother David who had an incestuous love for me and that was absolutely because I was an asshole. I was an asshoke because I was like 11 and i was being made to take care of 5 fucking kids and I had to be an assshole to shield them from my father.

I dont hold anything against these people because I'm very certain all those kids on DA were being groomed just like I was and thats why they saw it as normal to... idk, share those kinds of things with older people they had crushes on. That lesbian girl (whose unfortunately a transphobe now) was the most timid human being I've ever met and she was abused at home and was autistic and I was the only one that would like, let her talk about her special interests as awful as they were, I can understand why she thought the only other gay person in her little town was something she was supposed to latch onto that way. I understand why David felt the way he did too, and even though all of these people are pretty much the reason I have 60% of my intrusive thoughts I dont hold any animosity at all. Now whenever a younger person reaches out to me I'm terrified that they're being groomed and I still have no idea what to do because my home situations lead me to just being groomed more. It's ruined my ability to console people with anything anymore. I keep asking why they had to be obsessed with me and not someone who could help them.

I'm gonna go throw up now that was a lot of shit I just dug up

[steviethechihuahuawrangler]

A Formal Welcome

So it occurred to me that I just hit the ground running. I didnt look back when I went forward and began posting intimate things onto this wonderful Tumblr. Now that I see I have a couple people following me, I figure I owe you a welcome and thank you for visiting my corner of the web, and I also owe you an introduction to who I am.

I am Stevie. There's the general business of stating that I love blogging about my transgender wife. I myself am non-binary born female and still uses she/her pronouns by default but accepts all of the pronouns...call me any of them but just keep calling me *wink* I also love blogging about mental health, human rights issues, and some spiritually inspiring nuggets I find as well as humor and my interests. I am trying to capture my spirit for you all to see.

I am a rather peace, love, and harmony kind of person. I'm a multicultural beautiful mutt of a human that loves people of all walks of the Earth. I was born into a family that always was just getting by with hand-me-downs and used cars only. We lived rather bare bones-humbly on a farm where my mom had a kaleidoscope of animals that us farm kids fed and took care of for her. I still remember wandering out in large snow drifts with buckets of hot water to thaw the ice bricks in the sheep and cow enclosures so that the poor dudes could have a drink twice a day before they froze in the Midwestern winters.

I was successful in school and graduated in the top ten of a tiny class of roughly 200 or so. I worked hard for it though and suffered a great deal. You see,

I was violently molested by a babysitter when I was in kindergarten. That mixed with my family's predisposition for kicking out babies with bipolar disorder and being the lucky winner of that lotto... made for an interesting dark cloud for a kid to compensate. The abuse I suffered at the hands of my sitter gave me PTSD and DID. Most people are familiar with PTSD, but as for DID...most only know it as multiple personalities. And no... its not like Split or even Sybil, at least not for me. I had an intricate system that worked quietly under the surface. Some of my personas my child-self made were so intricate they represented all the phoenixes that rose from the ashes of past failures. I had male personas, female personas, child personas and adult ones too, gay personas, straight personas.... I had emotions I bottled as personas as well. A total count of 16. 17 if you count the true me.

Wow this is hard to write. Hard to admit but I feel more people must talk about these things. Abuse has horrible outcomes for those who experience it. I feel I need to keep writing this because I need it off my chest and DID is a very real thing.

It had gotten so messy but I didnt even realize that it was abnormal to do it. I thought thats how everyone got through the day.... with 4+ trains of thought chattering at you, remembering things, and feeding your mind with the in formation you feel you need at the time. I didnt realize that it was abnormal at all. Its not something you talk about out of the blue with anyone either. So I had no clue I was a multiple til the ripe age of 33. And in 2 years time with mega therapy from many stellar therapists in Wisconsin, I was able to go through integration of all of my personas, making myself whole again. I essentially made myself my own program when we had the insurance great enough to cover all my treatment. I started with finding a therapist and a psychiatrist and then added DBT group therapy as my diagnoses kept changing as they struggled to find my Dissociative Identity Disorder. I added art therapy and that was the point I finally started making dramatic improvements.

They even recognized it making me a formal mentor of the therapy program I was in. I helped in IOP programs inspiring fellow addicts to get clean while working on mental health goals with them. I started helping others go to their sessions and AA meetings or CODA meetings.

My Lizzy was the one that pumped her blood sweat and tears into funding my nearly daily therapy regiment. Then when my excellent therapist.... DrTwin we will call her.... realized that I was switching personas. She argued with herself a bit on whether to tell me or just treat it without doing so but she told me DID and PTSD were the beasts causing my bipolar 2 to be unmanageable.

Truth be told I cracked down on the seriousness I put towards my therapy efforts because I could see that Lizzy, who then was living a depressed and rage filled male life as she struggled with work was having a hell of a time keeping up with which Stevie would be in the room when she came home. I could see that Lizzy couldn't keep fighting through her darkness alone either. time was ticking and I had to get to a stable place.

Thats when Lizzy's dad got diagnosed with early onset dementia. When I got stable enough I offered the jump to come back home to Illinois to help take care of him since my hernias from my botched surgeries make it hard to work. Lizzy's mom welcomed the help as we didnt find out about the dementia until Lizzy's dad already was in stage 4 of 7. now he is toward the middle of stage 5 but its usually a faster decline at this point. Though we moved quickly and helped for months his care needs began to exceed what 3 adults could do in a 24 hour period. He is now moved into a memory care apartment unit with several other people who he seems to get along with. This leads us up to present times

Where we are currently living as a tripod family with Lizzy's mom who doesn't want to live alone now that her spouse is in his new home. Its Lizzy's childhood home and one day may end up being ours.

As far as Lizzy and I, we've been courtin' since Spring of 2008. We were married in spring of 2010 and since day one Lizzy became my best friend. We met when we were in the throws of our alcoholism amongst other things I had problems with. But lets just say I would have gotten my 8 year chip on the 4th of July. SOBER 8 YEARS and feeling great. Lizzy loved me during all the high spirit days where we went to haunted hayrides and houses. Lizzy loved me when I was laying at the bottom of the tub crying and dissociating while screaming in PTSD attacks. Our life has a pulse not unlike Grey's Anatomy....which dramatic turn shall we take next? Terrible Misfortune or Blissed Out Humor? Only time will tell. But its a beautiful ride in the big picture.

I would love for you to ask any questions or leave any messages! If you want to know more I am an open book and thats why I am writing this blog. I want the world to see me. Welcome to my world! Enjoy.

*~*~*~*~*Stevie*~*~*~*~*

[yoramkelmer]

The rise and fall of the Twilight-Craze

Let me tell you about my first encounter with Twilight - it was a “read”-week in 6th or 7th grade, and I picked up a very new book at the library of my elementary school. So I started reading it. I remember reading the first chapters, but never finishing it. I remember how I found the protagonist to be very whiny, and very disrespectful too. 

Also, at this point I also didnt know that this would be a vampire-novel, as the backcover of the book - this being the first danish translation/edition of the novel - never mentioned it. 

Anyway, afterwards, I forgot about it pretty quickly. 

Flashforward to a year later. 

I´m over in Germany, visiting my grandmother, and I buy some books - the german translation of Twilight being among them - and then I start reading it later in the fall. While I did think that the name Stephenie Meyer sounded familiar, I could not remember why. At this point I should also mention that 6th and 7th grade was a very traumatising period for me, and I had by that point pretty much blacked much of that period out of my mind, focusing on the now and future. And yeah, I was 14, so there was still much to come. 

Anywway, as I start reading the novel later in the fall, I suddenly remembered that one book I never finished back in 6th or 7th grade - and am kinda amused. Yeah, anyway, I still found Bella Swan to be a very whiny girl, and I actually liked the novel, and honestly did not think that much about it afterwards. Though I did learn not long after that a movie would come out later that year, I - while I was looking forward to it - did not imagine that it would start a big craze, that I later learned from the Wikipedia article of the South Park episode The Ungroundable to be named “The Twilight Craze”. 

I enjoyed the movie, actually - I watched it with my best friend (who went on to become the biggest Twilight fan I know, at least for as long as the craze lasted) and it is a memory that I like to think back on. I still think that both Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson did a good job in these movies - though more on that later. 

So, flash forward to the fall of 2009, where I am in Thailand with my parents. On the way to Thailand - as we went through Germany -  I bought the subsequent books New Moon and Eclipse. I read these books very quickly, and my mom as well. 

New Moon - and I´m talking about the novel here - did introduce some rather interesting ideas, such as the Volturi. One thing, however, already stuck me back then - it was the fact that Meyer completely distorted the actual folklore of an actual native american tribe, the Quileutes, for her own way, and it seemed really disrespectful back then already. And as for the Volturi, despite being mentioned early on, we didn´t really get that much from them - though as for the climax of the novel, I was pretty disturbed by the fact that the Volturi let in hundreds of tourists into their palace just to eat them after closing the doors. While that scenario is already pretty much horrifying, what really disturbed me was that Bella - and by extension, Stephenie Meyer herself - immediately forgot about it after it happened and moved on with the plot. That, and another thing - are we really gonna accept it as okay that one from Jacobs tribe physically hurt and mutilated his wifes face after wolfing out, because he feels sorry and he forgave her? It already seemed really wrong back then. 

What I also noticed was the fact that Bella Swan essentially only hung out with Jacob so she could play with his feelings, and so she could get into dangerous situations so she could get these hallucinations of Edward. With that said - I also could not really see what was so special about the relationship between Bella and Edward. 

Then I read Eclipse - and one thing stuck out to me there: it´s the fact that the mentioned backstories of the individual Cullens - Carlisles past with the Volturi, Rosalie seeking out and killing her rapists, Jaspers backstory from the american civil war (as I later learned from Das Mervins sporkings, she got a lot of stuff wrong there, to put it mildly), or how Alice was abandoned by her family in an asylum and pretended she was dead, where she ultimately got turned - all of these backstories are a hundred times way more interesting than the perks of being Bella Swan and her love life! 

Also, I immediately knew that the vampire army was a work of Victoria, and that it was to kill Bella - only upon reading the sporkings by Das Mervin did I learn that it was supposed to be a “twist”. 

On the way back from Thailand I bought Breaking Dawn shortly before leaving Germany, but I never finished it - you know why? Because some of my classmembers spilled the tea on the spoiler that Jacob imprints on Bellas daughter. I was just grossed out. I later learned that the book is what turned many fans off Twilight - and the imprinting thing was one of the reasons why, in many cases. 

Anyway, then a few weeks after returning from Thailand, I went in to see New Moon with two of my best friends, and it is a memory that I cherish very much. 

And that was the time when the Twilight Craze really, really went off - with all the cringeworthy “Are you Team Edward, or Team Jacob?” stuff, and how out of touch with reality some of the fangirls seemed - there were apparently some who really believed that Edward Cullen exists, and so much more. I still didnt think too much about it, as I had other things to look for. 

Though - despite liking the movies and the books at the time - I really, really enjoyed a lot of the parodies on the Twilight Craze, like this one from Smosh. The thing is, that Twilight became the probably most parodied thing in the 2009-2010 period. And that may have been one of the things that killed the craze - but more on that later. 

Then, in the summer of 2010 - one of the best summers of my life - I was in Miami with my family. And then my best friend and I got to watch Eclipse in a gigantic cinema in a very big mall in Miami Beach - that was unforgettable. And I also remember that I wasnt the only one who laughed over Taylor Lautners overacting. Good to know. 

During that same summer, I remember then seeing a new book by Stephenie Meyer in the bookstores - “The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner”. As this was before my friend and I saw the movie, I myself did not think that much about it; but I then later realised that Bree was the girl killed by the Volturi at the end of Eclipse, and that the novel - as the title already states - was about her time with the army of newborns. That sounded like an actual interesting plot. Shortly before watching Eclipse, the trailer for “Vampires Suck” came out - and the trailer was very funny, way more funny than the actual movie. 

So....Eclipse was a huge hit that summer. But you know what that also was? The end of the Twilight Craze itself. In fact, it can also be compared with another contemporary hit of the 2009-2010 period - Avatar. While that was the biggest hit of the winter of 2009-2010, as soon as spring started, everyone forgot about it. And while Eclipse itself got a lot of mixed reviews, like the preceding movies of the franchise, it simply was the end of the craze itself. 

I think here are some of the factors:

Twilight was pretty much EVERYWHERE in the media in 2009-2010, not only from advertisement, product placements, and posters, but also from parodies, not to mention how often Twilight was mentioned in actual news broadcast. In other words, people got tired of it - not just the people who werent even fans of the franchise in the first place, but also more moderate fans, like I considered myself then. And yeah - now thinking back on it, I was also pretty tired of seeing Twilight everywhere even before Eclipse was released in the cinemas. 

And another thing is this: The Second Life of Bree Tanner. While the novel was released in early June of 2010, mere weeks before the movie came out, it was very bestselling, because of the Twilight Craze. And the reason why it was released was most likely because even Stephenie Meyer herself had a feeling that the craze soon would end, and had to publish something Twilight-related in advance, so she could be talked about again. Officially, the novella started as a short story to tie in with her illustrated guide for Twilight. 

I bought the book later that summer while in Germany - and I found it not very well written, and forgot about it very shortly afterwards. Even my friend found it forgettable. I recently read the sporking of the book on Das Mervin to be reminded of what actually happened - and boy, does it suck! And here is my point - many Twilight fans probably realised with that book that Stephenie Meyer isnt that good a writer. (A lot of people had the same reactions to “The Host” - including me, who never finished the novel because of that)

And then, as soon as the summer of 2010 was over, Twilight was over. People had enough. 

I know that the final film was - because of Harry Potter - split in two parts (a decision that was continued when The Hunger Games were made into movies, and a decision that ultimately killed the Divergent franchise), and was released in the winter of 2011 and 2012. I watched both of them - and I was immediately struck by this in 2012: While there of course were trailers and posters for these films, there was simply not the same exposure to the franchise as back in 2009-2010. 

And by the time of the release of Breaking Dawn part 2 in the winter of 2012, I had already been redpilled regarding Mary Sues, and had a field day of counting all the Mary Sue points in the movies. 

Yeah, Bella Swan is one of the biggest Mary Sues in existence, and was created as a way of Stephenie Meyer wanting to live out an idealised version of her highschool years. 

That, and Stephenie Meyer isnt that great a writer - just read the sporking on Das Mervin. 

During the reading of the sporkings, I also realised the way how Meyer demonises every blonde - from Lauren to Rosalie, and how Leah Clearwater is demonised for being an independent woman who doesnt bow down to Bella Sue and who actually does something, unlike Bella Sue. 

Now, onto the thing with Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Both are very good actors, and I think it is sad to see how haunted they were in the past decade of Twilight. Many have accused Stewart of being a bad actress because of Twilight (not to mention that they haven´t seen her brilliant performance in Speak) - I disagree. Kristen Stewart showed what a spoiled, ungrateful and dull Sue Bella is, and Pattinson what a creepy, controllable Stalker Edward is. And I´m now especially happy to see how especially Pattinson is recovering now, as Kristen Stewart did get to prove herself in movies like Camp X-Ray. 

Anyway, that was my rant on the Twilight Craze. 

[essieholliday95-blog]

My Life, My Experience

Remembering the year of 2010 being in 8th grade and about to graduate. I was so excited because I was finally going to high school and it hit me that I was really growing up. At the age of 14 in middle school I felt free and happy until I met someone through social media called AIM he was 16 and I was 14 his name is Damian from Brooklyn and we started talking in the middle of May. It was funny to me because I NEVER in my life met him so I was so confused on how he got me on AIM, so at that age you young and you don't think as much because you young. At that moment we trying to get to know each other and talking on the phone every single night. As a female we love the attention and we love when a guy say all the right things to us we feel special and we feel like we walking on clouds. The more and more we talked the more I started to like him. While we was talking I always asked myself "How are we going to see each other you all the way out in Brooklyn and I'm all the way in The Bronx?" I couldn't ask my mom because I was still a kid, but I put that thought out of my head. I remember that one day we was texting each other through AIM and he said "Baby I need to tell you something, but I don't want to do it over AIM" so I'm nervous cause I'm thinking that he's going to break up with me or something so my heart is pounding so fast I'm just like I don't care anymore. He couldn't call me so he just texted it to me and he said "I know it's too early in our relationship to tell you this but I do love you" I was sooooo shocked and happy because I really thought he was breaking up with me. So I said "Awwwa I Love You Too" so I really felt special. Later on through our conversation I asked him "Do you go to school?" He said "No I stopped going" I knew at that moment I should've stop talking to him I knew one day he was going to ask to meet my mom and I was thinking about that, but I didn't want to stop talking to him cause I really liked him so I asked him more questions about himself and he was telling me that he's in a gang and he smokes and drink so I'm really saying to myself "Oh gosh you definitely can't meet my mother my mom will kill me", but I didn't care because I liked him and he was my first boyfriend so I just push that out of my head. I'm thinking everything is going so well with us and I was always happy I felt good because I had a boyfriend and he was my first boyfriend. In July he started acting different, so one night he called my phone and I wasn't near my phone I left it in my room to charge so I happen to come in my room and it said I missed 5 calls from him I didn't even realize I was gone for that long so I called him back he started to argue with me he asked me "Why didn't I answer my phone and what was I doing?" I said "I wasn't in my room I was charging my phone I was watching TV with my mom" he started yelling at me so I didn't really say anything cause at that age I didn't really have a voice and he was my first boyfriend so I really didn't know. So he's talking to me and he says "I'm going to call you back you better answer when I call you" I said "uhh okay" I stood by my phone the whole time I had to go to the bathroom and I didn't want to walk away from my phone cause I didn't know when he was going to call back and my phone was charging really slowly I had a Sidekick so the charger was shitty so I'm thinking maybe I can turn my phone up loud so I can hear when he calls so I did and the whole time I was in the bathroom he didn't call but once I got back in the room he called. I asked him "Why you started acting like that I wasn't by my phone" he says to me "I don't like keep calling you 5 times that's why I was mad" I said "Okay whatever". It was just a lot of things that was going through my head but I try not to think negative and I was just thinking he was having a bad day or something, but I was still into him though. Later on in July I wasn't hearing from like that I was thinking something bad had happen to him and I was really worried. We went three weeks without talking to eachother and I was trying to figure out why I stood up late nights waiting for his calls and/or texts but I wasn't getting none so after awhile I just stopped waiting, so one night he called me from a different number and it was him and he was telling me what happened and why we wasn't talking so I didn't know if I should believe him or not because it was three weeks so I just brushed it off even though I shouldn't have but I did. When I first started high school I was still with him and at that time I went to go see him for the first time because his aunt lived in the Bronx so I skipped school to go see him so I was on my way I got lost because I didn't know exactly where he was living at so I was on the phone with my friend from middle school and then he called me so I did three ways with them but she was on mute so he started yelling at me cause I wasn't close to him yet so he hung and my friend her name is Styvy she said "Girl I don't like him why is he talking to you like that like what the fuck you got on the wrong bus its not like you in Brooklyn" I said "I don't know what's wrong with him but let's drop it" so we did and I was close to his aunts house so I had a lot of fun we talking, kissing and all that so I was just happy that I was with him. So later on that day his aunt came home so we was both scared so he hid me and he closed the door so his aunt wouldn't know that I was there so his aunt came into the room and she saw me she wasn't mad or anything she was just surprised that I was there and I was soo scared cause I didnt know what she was going to say. So she asked me my name and I told her and she said "Oh you Damian's girlfriend you are pretty I didn't know he was bringing you over" so she said she was going to drive me home, but before we left I was looking for my phone and my phone was gone so he stoled my phone and he called his aunt from my phone and I told him that I want my phone and he didn't give it back to me so I got out of her car and I took the bus to my middle school so I can call my mom. My mom was mad she asked me where's my phone, why am I not in school and why am I at my middle school ? I really couldn't say anything I was mad at the whole thing cause I didn't have a phone and my boyfriend stoled it. My mom ordered me another Sidekick and I called Damian and it was no answer so again it was days we wasn't talking and I was crying because I knew we broken up and it hurts because when you really love someone you always want things to work out between both of y'all but you have to know if that person wants to work it out with you. I found out from an old friend that he was cheating on me and it hurt because he told a person that he NEVER met instead of telling me so I was really heartbroken and it hurt even more because he was my first boyfriend. After awhile I had to realize people is not going to change because you want them to they going to change when they are ready to change. You can't always give a guy your all it don't matter how much you love them you can't please a guy. Once you find out that a guy is cheating on you that's when you have that opportunity to walk away and leave him alone. You have to make yourself happy and love yourself. Just put yourself FIRST before you put anyone else first.

[dwightkschrute]

In 2014 and 2015 I did a my year in review kind of thing where I, of course, reviewed it and accompanied it with a picture from that month. I somehow forgot to post 2016 (until now) and forgot to do it at all for 2017 but unfortunately, I am back with a really disappointing year. I was debating not putting myself through the legit pain of “reviewing” this year but I think of how I love going through my 2009-2010 posts and seeing how much I’ve grown so this is for you, successful and cooler future me.

2016 and 2017 were amazing but 2018 was my most promising year. My boyfriend and I were going to move in, I was going to start my dream job; everything was perfect. It definitely started out as one of the best years of my life! Then exactly halfway through the year everything changed and I was left having to pick up the pieces and completely restart, making it one of the worst years of my life.

I started January in Mexico, which was the best, but my family and I got home early in the month. I had quit my job the month before so I dedicated the entirety of this month to job hunting. Our friend (my bf’s bff who became mine and my brother’s bff early on)’s dad got a boat so it was like we got a boat too because despite the cold, we lived on it. (My boyfriend couldn’t go on the trip with us, which he was super bummed about (and that we had to spend like 10 days apart which was killer then), so he was the one to pick us up at the airport and he greeted me with a bouquet of flowers. Out of the many gifts/gestures he gave me, that was one of my favorites.)

February I started my amazing new job so life was back to 40 hour work weeks and not having much time for much else. I was always attached to the hip to my bf so almost every day after work entailed going out with him or having dinner with my family or his. That was my month. My favorite part of every February is Valentine’s Day and this one was as amazing as the rest. I don’t even have enough space (of the allotted space I give myself for each entry at least!) to describe that day. (My bf at our Valentine’s Day dinner. We finished our long day at this restaurant (so, so cool, once popular with Old Hollywood stars) on Hollywood Blvd and it was dreamy and romantic and amazing.) Oh man, I don’t have a lot of interesting things to say about March. Oh, my parents got Influenza (A/B/idk tbh), so it was two weeks of my brother, bf, and I taking care of them. My dad has a serious chronic disease so it was especially dangerous for him so it was a stressful time. Once we weren’t in hazmat suits anymore (no but really, we were gloved and double masked around them and kept them quarantined), I’d be at work or with my bf. I also started to get close with a co-worker, who I quickly became close friends with! (My bf’s two huskies. I’ve just loved that picture since I took it! I’ve never been loved by a dog more than the one in the back of this pic. Not even by my own! He has a special place in my heart.)

April was barbecues at my house or my bf’s, trying every brewery and bar around, hikes, bike rides, beach visits, baseball games, boat rides, late night cooking and baking. It was lots and lots of love and happiness and I would give absolutely anything to go back to those days. (My brother and bf grilling on Easter. This was a familiar scene, I have so many pictures of this exact scenario, yet looking at it just now made me so emotional! Stop! They’re just grilling!) May was so exciting! Very first day I got a new car! I was so happy! It was long overdue because my finicky, expensive Volkswagen had to go and I’d fallen in love with the new Honda Civic (I’ll admit I have basic taste but I don’t care!) so I finally bit the bullet and did it. This month my bf and I, after a long time of “oh wouldn’t it be nice!”, bit the bullet as well and decided to finally get serious about finding a place together. So the apartment search started, but we soon realized our home, Orange County, was super expensive. My bf, in that “ha ha jk but I’m down if you are” way, suggested we pick up and move to Oregon and I immediately agreed. It just felt right and despite us being the most careful and non-spontaneous people ever, we decided to do it! So we began to research, look for apartments but most importantly, jobs. (My car the day I took it home!)

Uhhhhhh, well, June hurts to think about! We went to visit Portland, where we decided we’d want to live because that’s where the jobs were, on a quick trip since it was strictly “business.” Portland was everything I imagined and more. We loved it and I think we loved playing house in our airbnb more than anything about the city. Back in LAX we came to the easy conclusion that though we lived Portland, that’d require a lot and for our first time moving out we’d like to stay close to home and above anything else, we just wanted to live together as soon as possible. We immediately started to look for places in LA, we spent the month apartment hunting, and towards the end of it, decided on one we really liked, one he begged me to please say yes to so we can move in already. I was so, so, so happy this month but what made me happier was seeing my bf, I swear, even happier than me. I seriously felt unstoppable and was beyond excited for our future. (I had a lot of Portland pictures to choose from but my bf and I liked this one because it reminded us of Always Sunny for some reason.)

In July, everything changed. To start, I left my job. I thought, new chapter in my life, new job coming, I’ll live really far, I should leave now. So I did. My last day was an emotional day because I loved my job so much and every single person I worked with. That very same day, my bf and I broke up. For unrelated reasons to my last day, to our moving in, to our relationship, etc. We had an amazing, amazing relationship but he has a lot of demons and issues/insecurities he has to deal with and conquer, and though I was aware and was there for him and would continue to be by his side no matter what, he decided that this was a battle he had to handle by himself and I figure before he got into a more committed situation. It didn’t have to happen, though. I hadn’t talked about the specifics of the breakup on my blog so  sorry for changing the mood of the post, but yeah, July happened and it felt like my world stopped. Really regret quitting my job now, huh? I was hit by two huge losses and changes right at the same time.  (I took this on my friend’s boat 20 tequila shots in, drunk and sad as fuck. Not to get fake deep but how sad. Literally on a boat, beautiful sunset, would rather die.)

August was a blur and I’m still not convinced I didn’t just dream it. God, alright, here we go, the rest of the year is a mess so get ready. I fell into a deep depression fast. It also didn’t help that my dad had to start getting radiation/infusions for his illness shortly after the breakup. I couldn’t believe how much my life had changed. I started dating someone else and then I dated another guy shortly after. I wanted to replace and/or forget and I really thought that’d be the solution. I was miserable when I was with them. I took absolutely any opportunity to get really drunk or high, and the opportunity came often so I spent most of my days desperately trying to not feel anything. The only time I’d feel okay was when I was extremely high and I couldn’t even think. Since I had a lot of savings for my out of state move, I had a lot of money to blow, which I did. I realized I even liked the feeling of the temporary “high” of spending a lot and receiving the stuff. I’d hang out with any friend who offered (out of boredom? loneliness?) and even ended up on a mess of a Vegas trip. Worst month ever. Maybe. (Here’s a positive! I like that bathing suit and my tiddie looks so round!)

When September came I realized two months had passed and all I had done was be a huge depressed mess. I no joke forgot about work. I just straight up forgot. I started to look for a new job, which hurt me so bad because I had to face the fact that it wouldn’t be my Cool LA Dream Job anymore. I stopped dating. Most importantly, I completely stopped drinking and smoking because it’d almost always make me sadder but also it scared me that I had no self control nor did I care. I saw a whole lot of my close friends and they, along with my immediate family, kept me afloat this month because time felt like it was going so fast. I couldn’t believe that at a blink of an eye it was night again and then a new day. Time had no mercy for me, please let me hold on. (Me at a baseball game. Tbh I’m looking at this thinking, did this really happen?)

October started out nice because my best friend of years, who I unfortunately had a falling out with three years ago, reached out to me. I’ll always give her all of the credit for doing that. I can’t begin to explain what this meant to me. It was a nice, bright shine of light that managed to shine through the dark clouds. Having my best friend is exactly what I needed. I’m a big believer in the universe acting in mysterious ways and though I had grown disappointed in its little surprise for me lately, this was the kind I always appreciate. I spent a good part of that month with her, catching up and doing things just like we did back then. It was like nothing had changed. That’s all I remember about this month, and a super fun Halloween! That day was probably one of the best days in months. (My best friend Rylee and me the first time seeing each other in 3 years. We’ve had our blogs for 8-9 years so please follow her for quality content)

November was rough. I was frustrated because surely things should had been better by then. I was still feeling so low, I was going to job interviews to no avail, I “relapsed” and had a high/drunk off my ass on a boat messy moment.. To make matters worse, I accidentally drove up on a cement divider in a parking lot and my airbags deploy, which is so expensive to fix, so my car was out of commission for a month. Then I got so sick and I rarely ever get a small cold. I seriously felt like I was cursed, even the smallest thing felt like an insult towards me. The one good thing is that since July I had been forcing myself to go to the gym five times a week. My mom said exercising was the only thing that’d help her feel that sweet release of seretonin, endorphins, dopamine, and all that good stuff when she was depressed so, though I enjoyed going to the gym before, I did it just for that reason alone. It worked and as another result I got like pretty fucking fit. Revenge body, you’re one of the few good things in my life right now. (I literally had no idea what to choose so I said fine, here’s a pic of the scene of the crime. Whatever.)

In December I turned 26. Which I hate, naturally. I went to a million more job interviews. I’m seriously so embarrassed to admit that but whatever, it’s the truth. (I have a degree, experience, and an awesome cover letter..I’ll keep blaming the curse!) What kept me sane was that we had different family members visiting from the very beginning of the month. Playing with an energetic, adorable baby kept me distracted and happy. Having so much company around also distracted me (slightly, but it helped!) from the fact that the holidays and my birthday would be quite different now. I’m one of those annoying Christmas lovers, usually at least. This year everything just happened and I didn’t care. But I survived December! (I don’t care. This is the appropriate representation of 2018 and how I feel at the end of it.)

Jesus if you’ve read all of this.. I’m sorry you had to read about the mess of my year but really more like the mess that is ME. Yknow those like “people my age I went to HS with vs me” memes? I seriously went from being that bitch with a good paying job, brand new car, a serious, great relationship with a promising future together (Like. We would color coordinate outfits! LMAO. We would have dinners with both of our families together. We were obsessed with each other. You’d roll your eyes if you saw any of this. I can’t get over how perfect we were, it’s hilarious what happened to us.) and then at the blink of an eye I went to not having absolutely any of that, casually dating (something I’d NEVER done) anyone who resembled my ex and sadly and drunkenly puking off the side of a pier. Who is she? I don’t know, I got whiplash. (Queen of parentheses and side notes, I know. But another thing about me is... I’ve never been affected by people leaving my life. I’m used to it. I’ve never been anywhere as affected as I was when my ex and I broke up. This isn’t normal for me, my ENTJ/Capricorn ass doesn’t know what this feeling is.)

Please curse that has been put on me, release me. Whoever is attacking my voodoo doll, calm down! Please! I’ve gone through enough sadness and loss. If 2019 is even slightly as bad, I’m going to be like that pigeon I reblogged the other day that’s like “fuck this I’m just going to sit here.” I can’t even make a cute but corny, hopeful “hope 2019 is great!” comment. I’m literally begging you...pleading you... I don’t believe in karma but after all of this shit, I better have something much better in stock for me. “Good things are coming!” I fucking hope so. Like, I’ll be even more annoying right now and say that it’s not fair that I didn’t get to have the future I was about to have. I don’t care about any cliche you may have for me. One door closes, everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, etc. No. Why did all of this have to happen? What can be better than the future I was going to have? I felt so unlucky. It all feels like a nightmare and I’m just waiting to feel whole again. Oh shit I got really intense. I know I’ll get over it and life will be good again eventually but for now, I am still so mad. I would have never in a million years guessed this is how my 2018 would go. 

So fine, I’ve accepted things now, so now I’m impatient and say please prove me wrong, 2019. I’m THREATENING you to be amazing!

[sirsnoinkers449]

The Tragic Tale of Little Penny Fizzletwist

A few days ago, I was in a Discord server and we were chatting about tragic MMO love stories. I chimed in with my own love story, and I realized an important part of it happened ten years ago today. I figured I’d make my Tumblr comeback to tell you all about my white whale, Little Penny Fizzletwist.

It’s not an understatement to say I was, in the words of a toon at the Bossbot HQ, a pest. I tried to solo Sellbot factories and cog buildings at 20-something laff. (I actually succeeded in the latter, funnily enough.) I rode the coattails of powerful toons as they carried me through buildings. I tried to be an uber toon just to be cooler. My personality was nothing short of larger than life, and I always wanted to be more than I was.

One winter day in Donald’s Dock, all the way back in 2009, I was being myself. I was strolling through Donald’s Dock, looking for high laff toons and asking them to take down a few cog buildings with me. I remember teaming up with an invisible rabbit for a bit, and that went pretty well.

After the rabbit and I went our separate ways I ran into a periwinkle dog toon named Little Penny Fizzletwist. Much to my pleasure, she had maxed throw and squirt and 100-something laff! Surely she would be a lot of help. We took down a three-story Bossbot building, chatting along the way. We took down more and more buildings, and with every cog we blew up, our bond grew tighter and tighter. Suddenly, this wasn’t just a day of saving Toontown from the cogs. I had just made one of my closest friends.

Below is one of the first screenshots I took of Little Penny and I, dated January 5th, 2009.

Things didn’t slow down from there. We spent much more time together, whether it be wiping the streets clean of cogs or hanging out at each others’ estates. We even developed inside jokes together! I introduced her to my brother’s toon, and the three of us became an unstoppable force. No Cog building was safe from us three, whether it was one story or five.

The moment which truly solidified our relationship was when I got myself banned. When I came back, I was afraid all my friends would leave me. After all, no one would want to be friends with someone dumb enough to get banned, right? I fessed up to Little Penny, and she was surprisingly accepting! While I was definitely blowing things out of proportion, knowing that Little Penny still accepted me even though I got banned was very reassuring. Besides my brother and my doodle Bamboozler, she was easily the best friend I had in TTO.

Us celebrating another Cog building conquered by singing Bananaphone. That song was all the rage ten years ago. Dated February 14th, 2009.

We eventually got so close that, ten years ago today, we went on a Valentine’s Day date! Well, as close as we could get. We just beat more cogs and hung at her place, but it was still a wonderful date.

And here we see me being ever so seductive, coming up with romantic ways to spice up our date.

As the months went by, I became friends with more and more toons, but Little Penny and I were still close. However, everything came to a screeching halt one day in Goofy Speedway. I can’t remember if it was late 2009 or somewhere in 2010, but we were hanging out and doing races and stuff. I remember we were standing in front of the rural race entrances, talking about something, when Little Penny interrupted herself. For a reason I still can’t explain, she simply said “I’m torn...”

The moments Little Penny teleported away immediately after saying that would be the last I would spend with her.

To this day, I still have no idea what happened. Why did she go so suddenly? Why did she never come back? She didn’t even delete her account either; she was still on my friends list when TTO closed. I don’t think she made it to TTR, though. I looked up her name recently, and the only evidence that she even existed was some comments she left on the old Toontown website. All of them were from early 2009, and they sounded like she wrote them.

For nine years now, I’ve wondered just where Little Penny went off to. Did she just lose interest in Toontown? Was she forcibly removed from it? Is she even still with us today? If anyone who sees this post knows about Little Penny and where she is today, please tell me. I’ve been dying to know.

[lov3rs-go]

a rambly poem about my grandmother. little more than 1,000 words long.

and then their was the issue of us.

and i didn't like my body or my mind.

hate the way i speak and put my thoughts to words, almost more then the way my skin covers my bones 

and i miss my grandmother and her kind eyes, the way she looked at me all those summers ago when i still had the world in my hands. but ive messed everything up now, i keep digging this hole for myself bc its easier than trying to crawl out of it scraping my knees on the edges of your shattered dreams of my potential.

i remember the way the sand smelled when she asked me how school was going and i loved being a girl and gossiping with her and i felt older and she felt younger. she got her girlhood back when talking with me. but I've grown up faster than she intended, now childhood is no longer beautiful, ive taken away her reflection. and she reminds me of my mom in that regard.

when does mother end and daughter begin?

we merge together i am you and you are me.

and when you speak to her over the phone you sound like I did during those summers and my heart aches.

seeing her face hurts.

i guess this is the end.

even if i conformed would she be able to love me again?

she's seen who i am and how can she forget the way she hated him?

we walked her dogs in the forest and on the beach, driving out of benthany to buy pencils and paint bc even though i felt guilt you told me this is how she shows her love and i haven't gotten a gift in years.

we used to go to Starbucks and local smoothie shops and when i waited to eat she would praise my patience and i would eat out of her hand for the implication of thin. 

i wasn't beautiful but i felt like i could be during our long car rides and serenading her husband and now i understand why he didnt like it.

i used to be scared of him but he hasn't looked at me differently and that is why i love him. he made my mother the way she is, and in turn made me but how can i resent him?

they all made me and now hate their creation as i bubble alive and clairsentient but not him.

he doesn't look away.

we got strawberry milk shakes and pencils and i painted on their porch with watercolors and smelled salt and heard the dogs running in the front yard and heard her taking business meetings upstairs and saw the waves and the birds perched on the deck that led down to the shore and i would give up my entire being to go back there. 

orange flavored painkillers slipped to me in the front seat during busy vacation traffic and their was a heat wave and i felt the pin pricks of a migraine at the back of the skull and she was mad i was sick bc i ruined things even back then, during heaven, making fun of the early 2010s pop she loved bc it was happy and alive and must've made her feel young again bc that was all she ever wanted, wasn't it? but time is slipping past she can't live in girlhood forever. i understand her more than my own mother. and i hate her but i love her and all i want is for her to look at me the way she did on early morning sunrise walks down the beach being pulled in either direction by wild dogs chasing seagulls and drinking smoothies and feeling young and thin and cooking for her, and loving the feeling of being able to put my love for her and surprise birthday parties and sips of lattes into a meal when the sun had long set and the smell of salt and sea was at its strongest. watching movies after fancy dinner meals together and thinking this is what family is meant to be. 

but now i stay in my room and cry for a time no one seems to remember but me and mourn for this old life that i mightve just fabricated bc it seems to matter to no one else. but these images are vivid in my mind, the smell of sand makes me weep salt water 

i cant imagine a life without it sometimes feels like i died that summer, shoving calories into my mouth while the house slept throwing up in the guest room, missing my parents and the way me and my mom would share a room when my dad slept in Australia. i was afforded love in my childhood but now im meant to fit into an agenda i wasn't prepared for and what am i supposed to do? i need her back.

i need her to miss me to. i need closure. i need her to hug me and mean it and not feel tight and disgusted under my hands of filth. the way she used to when it felt like she'd give me the world like i mattered more than anyone else except for my grandad. and sometimes i want her to die just so my grief is understandable bc it's hard to explain how i mourn a person who's still alive.

its a silent death i mourn.

i mourn the lack of beaches and 5:00 alarms, i mourn her dog, i mourn her milkshakes, i mourn counting calories and throwing up in her green bathroom, i mourn teaching her to draw and encouraging her to paint regardless of its beauty, because what really is beauty? she knows it better than anyone else and i mourn the conversations on the porch i mourn her showing me how to use her hot tub i mourn gossiping like schoolgirls in her car before walks i mourn her soft touch and gentle voice i mourn the potential she saw in me i mourn our movie nights watching princess bride on repeat i mourn the jewelry she gave to me i mourn the surprises we planned i mourn the way she saw the good in me i mourn peanut butter jelly sandwiches i mourn vintage diaries in thrift stores on the outskirts of town

 i mourn the way she looked at me in the summer of bethany beach.

(written otober 15th, saturday late at night; 11:00)

[narrymusings]

bit of a background on me and larry. I started paying attention to 1d late 2012/early 2013, and i remember watching a lyric video for Rock Me early on and there was a note in the corner during the harry/louis harmony saying something like "omg yes larry" or whatever. and as an early fan, i was obviously curious as to what that was, so i looked it up. thats how they get people. they put it into your brain right when you join the fandom, you get curious, and see their bullshit theories.

 (Cont.) and since you’re an early fan and dont know any better, you just think that what you’re seeing it real and factual, that ONLY LOUIS AND HARRY did this flirty stuff (back in 2010-2012), and then new l*rries are formed. luckily, even as an impressionable 12 year old, i didnt fall for their shit and found nouis/narry much more interesting. but thats how they’re not dead yet. they force it on new fans immediately and i think thats so gross.

and yeah, i feel the same way about 18. I remember hearing those lyrics and seeing all the l*rries freak out about and i was like “but… they’re not the same age? they’re actually the farthest from being the same age?” never at one time will louis and harry ever be the same age. literally all of the other members are able to be the same age at the same time, except louis and any of the other members. the fuck? i dont get l*rrie logic.

Larries also did a lot of manipulating videos and gifs to create a story and get the reactions they wanted, not just from other Larries but from newer fans as well. They edited videos and cropped gifs to give the illusion that there were all these wonderful, intimate Larry moments, when in reality those moments belonged to other ships.

Remember how the “um that’s liam” meme started? (Because someone cropped the a video of Liam and Louis touching fingers so that they could talk bout how “in love” Louis and Harry were.)

Also, remember how Larries claimed that Louis reaching out of a car window to touch Harry when they didn’t know they were being filmed also meant that they were in love? But in reality it was actually Niall reaching out of a car window to touch Harry?

(But they were obviously just friends though, right Larries?)

[teddy-feathers]

Ive got some issues and all I got was this stupid personality disorder label

Hurting myself isnt an answer.

Substituting physical for emotional pain doesn't work ive tried.

But half the time it seems like its the only way to prove things are tearing me up inside and it matters you know?

People dont take your pain seriosuly if youre not an active danger to yourself and others.

How ever since 2012 - we wont get into the shit in 2011/2010 - i have wrecked my car intentionally at least twice to get out of something,

I have cut my arm open and made up a ridiculous story that everyone bought (and still tell people because it is sort of funny and totally something 'I' would do) because it makes more sense then what really happend - I was trying to get out of a conversation i didnt want to have

I ran away to Pittsburg without a word to anyone because it was the first flight leaving that was going someplace that didn't make sense for me to go

I commited fraud - actually for the second time in my life though this time was much different and kinda a fluke - pulled all my cash, took a bua ride to virgina where I was on the street for two days before finding the homeles shelter

Didn't talk to anyone I knew for over a year with one exception that I dont want to get into

Agreed to come home to a place I didn't want to be, to go to school despite not wanting to because it was the 'right' thing to do

Stopped going to classes no matter how.hard I tried to force myself

While for a while i DID get a shrink I stopped going to see her too even though that did make every thing more bearable

I literally find it unsafe for me to drive because the urge to wreck is constant, with some minor urges to just drive away and never come back

I DID wreck my moms car because I was rushing because going to work is such a trial I will watch the time approach until its too late or almost to late before going despite WANTING to be there

Ive lost my job because I simple stopped going because I couldn't STAND them saying nice things about me when I felt like I was fucking all the things up

At my current job I sometimes do go hide in the bathroom to calm down, or have vauge out days where I'm not really there even though Im there.

Ive been really anxious when I do just about anything except when Im not and then I think I'm just psyching myself out for the attention - even though EVERYTHING in me says ANY attention is bad attention

I basically only want to sleep. Get up. Go to work. Come home. Sleep. Get up. Dinner time and or shower. Back to sleep.

Only i dont always just sleep sometimes i just lay there very much not present while I scroll through tumblr because its the only medium i dont actually have to focus on.

I dont read or write or doodle or play games or do much of anything because it makes me uncomfortable. I cant focus. Feel guilty. I should be doing xyz. Bored despite really wanting to do this.

I dont talk to my friends much and part of that is the schedule - im up at five so im usually going to bed when people are free or at work.

But honestly I can feel how much time I somehow lose or waste like a sweater thats shrunk in the wash.

I shower only once to twice a week which is about the time I finally notice im gross and realize I have to do something about it or people will care

I know some of my current issue is the season but this isnt a new thing or even a dramatic worsening of the state of affairs in my life.

This is the norm it just feels worse right now.

And that's kind of terrifying.

I have very casual disregard for my wellbeing

Im apathetic or angry or want to die...

I want to suffer in a way that's physical and people care about so I can feel valid and not broken

But i dont want help because nothing is wrong

Im being dramatic

And any attention is bad attention

Because i cant explain yes I'm suffering and this is hard for me why must you go out of your way to make it worse dad - without also feeling like oh I dont tell or show him how im hurting at all and when I do its not in a way that makes him take it seriously and never has he ever changed

And it's not just him though its hard to focus on not being upset at him because every thing I normally DONT deal with comes flooding up whenever something new happens

It's... How I don't need people to treat me like I'm glass. To be sympathetic or sad at me. But itd be nice to be able to call in because I'm too scared to go to work. Or leave early because I can't hold it together this long.

And its terrifying to know that maybe my brain just doesn't handle stress well enough to work a full eight hour shift, or five days straight of work. That it takes a full day to recover from stress and during that time Im basically useless and not going to do much in the way of chores or what not.

And though I will on the second there's also a chance the doldrums will set in and going to work will feel like an impossibility the next day.

I'm not making enough money working what I am. I cant afford to cut back.

Just like I can't afford surviving another car wreck.

Just like going to a mental institute or a hospital because I cut my arm open or stabed myself in the leg or a dozen other things or just decided to draw red lines on my arm with a paring knife because even though it doesnt help it might make me feel like my pain is real even though doing it would instantly invalidate it because its for attention that I dont want not only wouldnt help but would make my life worse.

Im just. Sick of my own bullshit. And even if I could find another shrink I like, I couldnt garentee Id keeping going - hell I dont want to go right now even though I want to - and I sure as hell couldn't afford it.

Im tired of being a burden.

I dont want to be here - I shouldnt be here - and laziness and avoidance of conflict is the only reason I havent worked on going anywhere else.

I do bad on my own. Emotionally and in the taking care of myself department. But I also cant say I'm reliable for any stretch of time. Short bursts yes but not consistantly cause brain likes to avoid and run and panic and fall apart. So it also seems pointless to plan to go anywhere because I'll fuck myself over before too long.

I'm just not okay.

And I'm tired of not being okay.

And I'm upset and emotional and maybe just maybe

If i write enough of this down Ill drown it out in the senseless rambling of my own thoughts.

[aestheticvoyage2017]

Day 236: Thursday August 24, 2017 - “Lookout Trek”

“I crossed many states to stand here now.” Resonated and vibrated through me back in 2010 when I first climbed to this landscape on Goat Mountain in 2010.   And certainly true today, again, as I brought Audrie back to meet the peaks for the first time, excited that the universe spun up a special show for us atop Winchester Lookout to reward us for our time and efforts.  Woke real early in Denver to catch a flight over to PDX; by 10 am we were on the road up the 5 finding our way to Bellingham.  A hustle stop for REI and grocery and Tacos, and it was “GO EAST”  - welcomed back to the familiar compadre, WA542.  We pulled our lucky Renegade onto the mountain road, kicked in the 4 wheel drive and up we went, hoping that Baker might appear from behind the clouds.  It took us all day long.   About 530, we finally put it in park and geared up for a hike.  I operated under the guise of R2R2R prep - but really this little steep 2 miler wasnt going to do anything for us.  This was just the effect of planning out the timing and knowing I could score us a special view.  We missed the lookout camp by about 10 minutes, but we really didnt deserve it.  We set camp out on a little ledge below that looked out onto the boundary peaks, and took in a beautiful, eye popping fire sunset.  

If Tucson was my southside of heaven, then this place is definitely the north.  Its not a matter of not fully appreciating it while I was here, I definitely did  -fully.   Its with that sentiment that I return, and bring my partner, to the place that restored and created me.   The places where I asked and answered the hard questions.   Id talked about it as that foundation since AC and I met - and we’ll continue to come back here throughout our lives....and for that reason it was so unaccountably important to blow her hair back this first night and burn that love into her heart, same as its in mine.  The 360 views of the North Cascades held up their end tonight.  Clouds blew off Baker, and Shuksan, and that wind blew throughout the night, making it cold enough for us to have to zip our bags together, necessitating cuddles.  The sky lit up in neon oranges, and pinks and blueberry blues.  I pointed out the Alpine Glow behind us and all over Baker’s face.

The last time I was up here at Winchester, I started Edward Abbey’s Desert Solitaire.  I remember looking out to the north and holding the contrasting image up.   The Utah of Abbey’s book was all imagined to me.   Id yet visting whats now one of my favorite states.  There was a lot left for me to do and learn and figure out back then.   The only real difference between then and now is that I maybe wondered what itd all end up looking like 5 years later, and now we know.  The big questions are still there; the burn is still there.  Whats missing though is a regular spot like this - a place to play in and pray in, as powerful and moving at the views from up here.  There was a  lot of pride in the reflections tonight, having returned here after being so busy these past few years.  I went to sleep cold next to my partner after some hot tea.  I now “see my life was brightest where you laughed and laid your head...”

Song: The Head & The Heart - All We Ever Knew

Quote: 

Below us the trees grew clumps of trees, raised families of trees, and they As proud as we tossed their heads in the wind and flung good seeds away: The sun was hot and the sun was bright down in the valley below Where people starved and hungry for life so empty come and go.There in the shade and hid from the sun we freed our minds and learned. Our greatest reason for being here, our bodies moved and burned There on our mountain bed of leaves we learned life’s reason why The People laugh and love and dream, they fight, they hate to die.The smell of your hair I know is still there, if most of our leaves are blown, Our words still ring in the brush and the trees were singing seeds are sown Your shape and form is dim, but plain, there on our mountain bed I see my life was brightest where you laughed and laid your head…

~Woody Guthrie, Remember The Mountain Bed