#this took forever because i had to put my brain in a Sad Place for a long time

[hrrtshape]

foods i ate in my better cr that now haunt my waking hours.

i have returned from the other side. the gilded penthouse doors have shut, the streets of new york have blurred into the mirage of memory, and yet......i am afflicted. by longing. by hunger. by the ghosts of meals past. my taste buds have been irreversibly colonised by another reality’s superior gastronomy, and now, in this lesser plane, i am left to rot, salivating over what i once had. let’s discuss.

　　　　　　　　　　　  ⊹　 ︶︶　 ୨୧　 ︶︶　 ⊹

　[ i , ] that one bagel that was a religious experience :  i’m talking about the perfect bagel. a bagel so transcendent, it made me believe in fate. it had the perfect chew, the kind that fights back just a little before yielding to divine softness. a smear of scallion cream cheese, the exact right saltiness, balancing that toasty, malty warmth of the bread. try finding that exact bite in this reality....impossible. i am forever chasing the ghost of that bagel.

　[ ii , ] the $24 salad that ruined all other salads for me :  new york, in any reality, is an absolute menace for making you pay obscene amounts of money for food that, logically, should be cheap. and yet, this overpriced, greens-based epiphany had no right being so good. it had the perfect ratio of crunch to creaminess, crisp little gem lettuce, buttery avocado (in this reality i for some reason...liked avocados??? came as a surprise!), these impossibly thin radish slices that made me feel like i was eating couture. the dressing..... i don’t even know what was in it. it tasted like wealth, people. it tasted like i had stocks in something lucrative. now every salad i eat in this reality may as well taste like sorrow.

　[ iii , ] the pasta that might have been a love letter :  there was this tiny restaurant, candle-lit, the kind of place that only seats like 10 people at a time, where i ate the most immaculate cacio e pepe of my life. it was poetry in pasta form. each strand coated in a glossy, peppery, pecorino-laced sauce that clung to it with the devotion of a lover. the pasta itself was handmade. you could taste the craftsmanship. it made me want to sit down with the chef and ask what great tragedy in their life had led them to perfect this dish with such aching precision. because surely, no one cooks like that unless they’ve known longing.

　[ iv , ] the coffee that altered my brain chemistry :  i had a latte so good, i saw colours. it wasn’t just coffee. it was a sensory event. the milk was frothed to the exact texture of a daydream, the espresso was rich but not bitter, caramel-like but not sweet. it was served in a heavy, warm ceramic cup, the kind that makes you want to wrap both hands around it and tell someone your deepest secrets. it made me feel like a person who writes letters on expensive stationery. it made me feel like my skin was clear, like i had purpose. now....i drink coffee and feel nothing.

　[ v , ] the slice of pizza that was more than pizza :  new york pizza is a spiritual entity. the slice i had wasn’t just food. it was a promise. the crust had that perfect crisp-but-chewy balance, the cheese melted in strands of longing, the sauce tangy and bright in a way that could cure seasonal depression. i folded it, i took a bite, and for a moment, i understood the meaning of life. even with lily moaning next to me about how good it was. in this reality, i put frozen pizza in the oven and am met only with disappointment.

 　　　　　　　　　 ‧　　 ₊　　˚　　 ⋅

i could go on..... i should go on. but the pain is too great. these meals have marked me forever, and now i am left to mourn them, to wander this reality’s restaurants like a forlorn ghost searching for something i will never find. if anyone needs me, i’ll be in the kitchen, staring at a sad, lesser bagel, wondering what could have been.

　until my next shift. 　　emma........

[emisprocrastinatingbywriting]

To Break Free

Chapter Three Summary:

After Joel's barbecue, you wake up disoriented and alone, haunted by a night full of painful memories. However, after your handsome neighbour surprises you with breakfast, your day seems off to be off to a great start. Meanwhile Joel is trying his best so that he can be the man he knows you deserve. Nevertheless, with both of you running from the past, will you be able to stand together in the present?

Warnings: NoOutbreak!Joel Miller/Reader, Sarah and Ellie as Siblings, Neighbour!Joel, Angst, Fluff, Romance, Pining, Soft!Joel, Lowkey Traumatized!Joel & Reader, Mentions of Past Abuse/Shitty Relationships, Comfort, Non Penetrative Smutty Things, Fem!Reader/Joel.

A/N:

Hey y'all, welcome back. Sorry this took so long, I have depression lol and I've been working on my thesis. Word of the wise; don't live in places where its -40c in the winter if you get sad sometimes.

Aaanwaaays, this chapter starts off the morning after the barbecue and we get to see more alone time between the two. Warning that they go into their pasts a bit and there is definitly some talks of emotional abuse, abandonment, allusions to substance abuse (past), so be wary of that. Additionally, I added a touch of smut near the end. This week is really about laying the ground work for future chapters so get ready. I hope you enjoy this chapter and as always, thanks for reading <3

Chapter 3/10

Chapter 3: Begin Again

An endless stream of dreams had taken hold of you after Joel’s barbecue. Memories of the past blurred together with the present, fears and hopes mingling until you weren’t sure what was real and what was your own traitorous mind. No matter how violently you thrashed against the sheets, trying desperately to force yourself awake, you remained locked inside of yourself. It was torment but just as you started to wonder if you would be forever lost in a sea of unsettling, agonizing recollections, the sound of someone pounding at the front door had torn you from sleep. 

With a drawn out groan, you lifted your head, eyes burning as you tried to figure out who the hell would be beating the door down on a Sunday morning. With your head pounding along with the heavy raps on the wood, you buried your face in the pillow and sighed. If you ignored them for long enough, maybe the mystery guest would go away. However, just as you thought that you might be in the clear, another flurry of fists slamming against the door put any hopes of going back to sleep to rest. 

“Fuck’s sake,” you grumbled, ready to tear the face off of whoever was making you stumble out of bed before ten a.m. on one of your only days off. 

After the surprise phone call from your shitty ex the previous night, it wasn’t surprising that your disastrous marriage had been the thing to haunt you for hours on end. Every dream had served as yet another reminder of the emotional torture that had been inflicted upon you, along with how stupid you had been to stay with him for so long. Peter’s words had been like knives, slicing into your most vulnerable parts until you agreed to bend to his will, except this time was different. His cruelty would have been just as excruciating and embarrassing as it had been the first time, had it not been for the calming presence that had followed you through each recollection. 

The first memory had been from near the beginning of your marriage, when Peter had publicly berated you in the corner of some needlessly extravagant social event. It was one of the first times he had let the mask drop, spewing venom through his lips because you chose to wear a dress that he didn’t like. Nevertheless, just as you were about to dissolve into a puddle of tears, a flash of a familiar green flannel had caught your eye. When you saw him, a wave of peace had washed over you, injecting oxytocin straight into your brain until your mind was thick with it. He didn’t even need to be beside you, just knowing that he was somewhere in the stuffy room had been enough to block your ex husband out. 

Those expressive brown eyes, so warm yet so vigilant in the face of danger, had studied you from across the room, reminding you that you were safe. The shackles of the past loosened as you stared back at him, allowing you to take a step away from the belligerent man who continued to scald you with his words. It was like Peter no longer existed, all that mattered was reaching the handsome man that sat at the bar waiting for you. But just as you were about to reach him, the room started to shift and you were sucked into another memory. 

The next one was even worse. No matter how hard you tried to stop yourself from remembering, you were suddenly back in your old apartment on that wretched day of reckoning. With every step forward you tried to dig your heels into the floor, screaming internally as you were dragged towards the ultimate embarrassment. You remembered being excited that day, stupidly optimistic when you noticed that your husband was home before 11 p.m. for once. Nonetheless, any hopefulness had been dashed when you were confronted with the sight of him, naked and writhing on top of another woman in the bed you shared. 

Horrified, you stumbled backwards just like you had that day, tears running down your face as your shoulder blades knocked into the picture frame behind you. The picture had shattered against the floor, the glass scattering across the wood as you began to hyperventilate. The only difference was that this time, a big bear paw of a hand had wrapped itself around your own, silently reminding you that he was there, that you weren’t alone anymore. 

Although he never spoke in any of the memories that followed, Joel had remained a steady presence throughout all of them. Whether it be the brush of a hand, or just his knowing gaze, he had chased you through even the most torturous moments of your life. And you had chased him back, desperately looking for him no matter which disaster was unfolding. It was the most infuriating game of cat and mouse that you had ever played. All you wanted was to finally catch up to him, to wrap your arms around him and hear that southern drawl comforting you but alas, some asshole had to end the chase by slamming their fists into your door at the asscrack of dawn. 

As you reached the stairs, you looked down at your rumpled attire, letting out a small chuckle as you realized that you had forgotten to change. The clothes Joel had let you borrow still hugged your frame and with his heady scent clinging to the fabric, it was no wonder he had leaked into your dreams. Wearing his clothes was like a warm hug, a strong number two for the man himself, ensuring that you would stay asleep even if the nightmares came knocking. 

Even in your dreams Joel had been standing watch, acting as a silent guard dog to all the things you hoped to never remember. There was a comfort in that, in knowing that your brain would create a Joel Miller in lieu of his absence. Nevertheless, despite how comforted you were by thoughts of your handsome neighbour, someone was still banging down your door. And maybe if your home wasn’t already a million degrees, or if you had gotten a decent sleep, you could have let it slide but instead, another round of frustratingly loud bangs forced you to pick up the pace. 

“I’m coming! Jesus fucking Christ, would you chill out?!,” you shouted, growing more impatient by the second. 

With smoke pouring from your ears, you nearly tore the door off its hinges when you finally reached it. You took one step out onto the porch, ready to tear whoever dragged you out of bed a new one, only to be met with a wall of muscle that nearly knocked you off balance. As you looked up at the early morning visitor, all of the pent up rage dissolved, a high pitched squeak leaving you as the man who had chased you all throughout the night suddenly towered over you. 

Joel Miller was leaned up against your doorframe, one arm pressed against the wood by your head while the other was weighed down with a hefty looking tote. His hulking frame loomed over you, making you so flustered that you almost fell flat on your ass. A tool belt was wrapped around his waist, tugging on his pants and teasing you with just a hint of his boxers. The slightly beat up pair of carpenter pants he wore hugged his strong thighs perfectly, fitting him so well that you had to look away before you reached out and tried to yank them off. 

Your eyes dragged up the length of Joel’s body, noticing just how good the simple t-shirt looked clinging to his muscles. There was a slight softness to his belly that pressed against the fabric and you longed to bend down to nibble at it. You sighed, he looked absolutely delicious. There was only one thing that was bothering you. All of his curls had been tucked away, cruelly hidden underneath a beat up baseball cap that advertised his business. Would Joel be angry if you petulantly knocked it off of his head? You weren’t sure, but the rewards seemed to greatly outweigh the risk. Nevertheless, you restrained yourself, trying to satiate your ridiculous wants by staring into his warm and welcoming eyes. 

“Hi,” you said softly, shifting nervously as he smiled down at you. 

“Morning darling,” Joel answered, the term of endearment rolling off of his tongue like he had been saying it for years, “Or should I say, good afternoon.”

“What?,” you squeaked, whirling around to look at the time. 

There was a wooden clock that hung in your living room. It was one of the only relics of the elderly woman that had previously lived there and you refused to give up. It had been hand carved by someone, the glossy wood detailed with flowers and leaves, but the best part was the little red robin that came out to chirp every time it struck twelve. Most times, you were already well into your day when the bird made an appearance, fresh faced and ready to take on the world. However that day, with only ten minutes until noon, that would not be the case. You sighed, realizing that your usual Sunday routine was ruined. 

Usually, you started off with a nice breakfast before driving to the farmer’s market to get some fresh veggies and fruits. But with the sun already high in the sky and only an hour left until the stalls closed, all of the best picks would be sold. You sighed, cursing your past self for being too frazzled by the men in your life to set an alarm. With how late it was, you would have to brave the overwhelmingly loud and frequently disappointing aisles at the local grocery store. 

“Shit, I didn’t even realize,” you swore, running your hands through the bird’s nest on top of your head in frustration. 

“Really? Ya don’t say,” Joel shot back, the sarcasm dripping from his tone as he stepped forward and asked, “You gonna let me in? Or am I just gonna stand out here all day?” 

“Fuck, I’m sorry. Come on in Joel,” you apologized, quickly ushering him in like there was something biting at his heels, “Dammit, I swear that I’m not usually in bed so late. I don’t know what happened, I’m usually up before ten. You weren’t waiting long, were you?”

“Not long, no,” he said calmly. 

Joel’s eyes swept over you as he stepped further into your home, zeroing in on every inch of your rumpled state until you began to tremble. The trembling was not fear but from something else, something that felt like a lightning bolt had slammed into your chest and burrowed itself deep inside of your ribcage. Which he noticed, of course he noticed, a proud grin spreading across his face as desire curved around your spine. He didn’t linger long, only granting himself one last once over that made your knees shake before he finally looked away. 

“Don’t be apologizin’ for sleeping in when it was me that kept ya up last night. I know that I probably should have waited a bit, but I wanted to see ya. Plus, with how fucking hot it is, I figured you’d be baking in here if I didn’t come soon,” he joked as he strolled away. 

Joel slipped into your living room, entering your space like it was his own. Meanwhile, you were channeling all of your energy into staying calm. He wanted to see you, after spending the whole of yesterday afternoon and well into the night in your presence, he wanted even more time with you. It felt too good to be true. 

Trying to focus on breathing, you quietly followed Joel and perched on the arm on the couch, eyeing him as he circled the AC like it was his prey. He was undaunted by the task as he crouched down to get a better look at the hunk of metal, even making a joke about the slight damage you had done to it when you had angrily ripped it out of the window. You kept waiting for him to snap at you, or exact a price for his services, but neither of those things came to pass. Instead he got down to work, ignoring your anxious hovering as he cracked the air conditioner open and examined the inside of it. 

Never in your life had you been in such a nerve racking position. Most of your relationships with partners, friends, or even family, had been largely transactional. People always wanted pieces of you, whether it be body, mind, or the victory of gaining your subservience. Nobody ever wanted you as a whole, nor did they ever care enough to give you anything in return other than heartache. After years of being torn to pieces your understanding of love had been twisted, your sense of self had been warped, and the ability to have someone else take care of you had all but vanished. 

Nevertheless, with Joel in your life, it was becoming increasingly clear that you were going to have to learn how to get over it. Logically, you knew that there was nothing wrong with accepting help, especially when it was him that demanded that he be the one to fix it, but the demons in your head would not let it go. How could you let this man, a man who was likely already bogged down with the stress of being a single father and owning his own business, fix your things without giving him something in return? With only a few hundred dollars in your bank account, which you knew that he would never accept, there was only one thing that you could possibly offer him. 

“Have you had breakfast yet? Or um, I could make you lunch?,” you piped up, already hurrying over to the kitchen so that you could comb through the fridge, “I don’t have much right now, but I’m sure there’s something in here I could make for you!”

Of all the times for Joel to come over, he just had to choose grocery day. Much to your dismay, the inside of your fridge was absolutely baren. There was nothing but a half tub of butter, a questionable looking bag of baby carrots, a few stray beers, and all of the condiments that a girl could ask for. Even the pantry was stark, though that was mostly due to the two teens that regularly raided it for snacks. They had emptied it during the midweek gossip session, chowing down on all of your chips and sweets as they updated you on all of the highschool drama that you had become hopelessly invested in. 

When faced with an overwhelmingly bleak selection, you usually would have said fuck it and pulled out the take out menu, ordering a feast that you could inhale while you cozied up on the couch. But with Joel in your space, selflessly helping you out of the kindness of his own heart, that felt wrong. He had told you that he was coming over the previous night and yet, you had stupidly forgotten. For some reason not being prepared for his visit felt like some sort of crime, like you had needlessly disappointed him and soon your heart began to pound as you waited for a punishment that would never come. 

“Fuck, okay so I can’t do breakfast unless you want um…,” you paused, looking over your scant options, “Some possibly rotten carrots washed down with a beer or uh… I have a can of soup but shit, I don’t know if that’s a good idea with how hot it is. Hold on, let me think.”

Joel laughed, a full belly laugh that lit up his face as he pivoted towards you from where he was crouched. His eyes swept over your figure and he shook his head, still chuckling to himself as he set his screwdriver down and stood up from the floor. 

“Darling, I don’t need -” 

“Or coffee? There might be some instant coffee somewhere. I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t have a machine because I always fuck it up but instant isn’t that bad. I mean hey, it’s still caffeine right?,” you rushed out. 

The heat of the day was working against you, mixing with your worsening nerves to leave a heavy layer of sweat over your skin. It didn’t help that Joel’s eyes were on you, the amused look on his face making you even more anxious as he grabbed the tote bag near his feet and drifted over to the kitchen. Fearing a scolding, you hurried over to the cabinets and got up on your tiptoes, reaching for one of the mugs until a hand caught your wrist mid air. 

“Oh,” you gasped, his touch sending sparks up your arm that radiated throughout your entire body. 

Joel lowered your hand back down to your side without saying a word, keeping his eyes locked on yours as he reached over your head to close the cupboard. He didn’t say anything but he didn’t need to. Just like in your dreams, his eyes and his presence said it all. I’m here, he said wordlessly, just breathe. And so you did, slowly matching your breaths with his until you came back to yourself. He nodded once you finally calmed, the tension in his own shoulders releasing like your panic had been hurting him just as badly. 

“Good girl,” Joel said under his breath, so quietly that you almost missed it. 

Good girl, good girl, good girl, ran through your mind over and over again. His words pinged off all of the pleasure points in your brain, scorching every inch of your being. Your imagination ran wild, thoughts of Joel hissing those two words through his teeth as he pounded you into the mattress making you squirm before him. Was he thinking about it too? Was that why he looked like he was in pain, a small crease formed between his brows like it was physically hurting him not to reach out and touch? Did he mean to make you shake and shiver before him? You didn’t know, all you knew for sure was that those two simple words were enough to fill you with hope, as well as a burning desire. 

“Let’s try that again darling,” Joel said, giving you a kind smile as he thrusted his bag out towards you. 

Blinking between him and the tote that advertised the local highschool, you cocked an eyebrow, not moving to grab it until he gave you an explanation. A wary look was all you offered him, unsure of what sort of trick was going to be played on you if you took it. 

“It’s just a coffee and some leftovers from breakfast. Nothing special, but I figured you might be hungry. You don’t have to take it though if you don’t want t-”

Before Joel had even finished that statement, you snatched the bag away from him and began to dig through it, smiling wide as you unearthed a treasure trove that released a swarm of butterflies inside of your gut. There was a container loaded up with blueberry pancakes and syrup, the glass still warm from the stove, along with another container filled with golden hash browns. But it was the thermos filled with your go-to caffeine and sugar fix that excited you the most. 

“You got my coffee order?! Joel! That’s - oh my god - that’s halfway across town! Why the hell would you do that?!,” you admonished, tearing the cover off so you could slurp down half of it in one go despite your protests. 

He shook his head, “S’not a big deal, I was already in the area.”

Even to you, that sounded like a load of bullshit, but the fact that he refused to meet your eye confirmed it. 

“Oh really? Doing what?,” you cackled as you popped one of the containers open so that you could dig in. 

Joel hesitated for a second, squinting hard as he tried to come up with an excuse to discredit himself. The more time you spent with him, the more you realized that he had a habit of doing that. The barbecue had been the first time you noticed it. Anytime someone praised him for the delicious food, or for his hospitality, he waved them off and changed the subject as quickly as he could. It was as if he truly believed that his thoughtfulness was nothing, that it was basic human nature rather than a gift that most men were in grave need of. 

“Uh, I was… Getting some tools at the hardware store?,” he tried. 

“You’re telling me that Joel Miller, the owner of Miller Contracting, did not already own a screwdriver? Seriously?,” you teased, voice muffled around a mouthful of delicious food. 

He blushed, the redness on the high points of his cheekbones spreading down to his neck and up to the tips of his ears. 

“Well, I -,” he faltered, groaning as he realized how terrible the lie was, “Fuck’s sake, would you just shut up and enjoy the damn breakfast?” 

As Joel turned on his heel, retreating back towards the AC to escape your taunting, you couldn’t help but laugh at him. He was sweet. Too sweet for his own good, you thought as you watched him return to the task at hand. If he was this way with all of his neighbours, you couldn’t imagine how the man got anything done but based on the way he glanced over every so often as you devoured the food, you had a feeling this was not a regular occurrence. 

Joel worked methodically, taking the entire machine apart so that he could pinpoint the issue and fix it before he put it back together again. You studied him with rapt attention, eyes following the way his strong muscles flexed as he untightened and tightened the bolts. Although it had taken you nearly two hours of tinkering to deem the machine unfixable, it took only ten minutes for him to find and address the issue. When Joel was done, you watched as a bead of sweat traveled down from his hairline, dampening the collar of his shirt as he easily lifted the AC from the ground and carried it back to the window like it was nothing. It had taken you three tries to tear that thing out and bring it to the ground without dropping it, but he was completely unaffected by the weight, a fact that you tried hard not to dwell on in his presence. That was a thought for later, for when you were alone and desperate in the dead of night. 

“Okay, let’s see if she works,” Joel sighed as he flipped the switch. 

A heavy groan came from the ancient hunk of metal as it sputtered to life, like it was angry with Joel for forcing it back into the world of the living, but cool air soon began to flow freely into your home. You cheered, hurrying over so that you could bask in the icy breeze as it poured into the space. All of the sweat that dampened your face began to dry as the air washed over you and you couldn’t help the slightly embarrassing noise that slipped past your lips. 

“God, that’s feels so fucking good. Thank you, I don’t know how I would have survived these next few days without you,” you laughed and shook your head, “To be honest, I was debating on sleeping at the library until the repairman could come in. You really saved my ass Joel.”

“The library?,” Joel squawked, as if it was the craziest thing in the entire universe. 

You shrugged. It wasn’t that insane, especially when you didn’t have the funds to pay for something more comfortable at one of the local hotels. Hell, you barely had the money for the repair guy but after only a few hours without air conditioning, it had become clear that raw dogging the heat of a Texan summer was simply out of the question. 

“I mean, yeah? It’s not like I would be sleeping on the floor, my office has a couch. Beggars can’t be choosers and plus, the basement it’s in is fucking freezing. That sounds way better than sleeping in Satan’s asscrack all week,” you joked. 

Joel pursed his lips, staring down at you with an intensity that threw you off guard. You cocked your head at him, watching as he weighed his words carefully, looking incredibly disgruntled as he tried to find a way to argue with your logic. 

“If this happens again, you’re gonna come to me. Hell, if anything breaks, you’re gonna come to me. Not some shitty repair guy, not Joe-blow on the street, you come to me,” Joel said, his tone leaving no room for discussion. 

Guilt hit you square in the chest, the thought of using him for his skill set almost too much to bear. 

“But Joel, I -” 

He held up his hand, “You come to me, especially if it’s gonna mess with your sleep. And if I can’t fix it that day, you’re gonna stay at my house. Don’t even try to argue with me, I don’t want to hear it. You’ll sleep in my bed and I’ll take the couch for the night. That’s all there is to it.” 

Joel cocked his eyebrow at you, wordlessly challenging you to fight him on it but you were speechless. Every time you put up a pointless boundary with him, he had absolutely no issue tearing it down. The thought of running to him every single time something broke was ridiculous, especially since nearly everything you owned had been thrifted after your escape from Miami and your home was well over twenty years old. If he truly wanted to be your go to handyman, he was going to have his work cut out for him. Your gut reaction was to refuse him, to remind him that you were perfectly capable of fixing things and did not want to be a burden to his already overwhelmed schedule, but the words died on your lips.  

As easy as it should be to ignore Joel’s command, something in his eyes broke through that last little bit of petty resistance you had been holding onto. Although Joel Miller was gentle, soft for you in all the right ways, that didn’t mean he was easy to bend. There was a part of him that was authoritative and exact, an undercurrent of dominance that quickened your pulse. That part of him likely scared others but not you. It drew you to him like a moth to a flame, turning your brain into mush whenever he utilized it. 

“I-I um,” you stammered, your voice an octave too high before you cleared your throat, “Thank you Joel, I guess I have someone to call now if shit hits the fan.” 

“Always sweetheart. Now,” he affirmed, easily brushing past the thanks like a man on a mission, “Are you finished with breakfast yet?”

“Yes, thank you. It was really good!,” you chirped, swiveling back towards the couch so you could gulp down the rest of your drink. 

“Good, that’s real good honey,” he answered, a restlessness suddenly seeping into his tone.  

The energy shifted, an awkwardness growing between the two of you. With the air conditioner fixed, there was no reason for Joel to stay but the last thing you wanted was to see him go so soon. It felt like he had just arrived. You sighed, if only you had woken up a bit earlier. Maybe then you could have thrown on something more flattering than a pair of men’s sweatpants and a baggy sweater. It would have been nice to be able to leave him with a more enticing memory. 

“So, I was wondering if you wanted to maybe -”

“I don’t know if you’re busy today, but I was -”

The two of you stopped, eyes widening for a moment before you both erupted into a round of raucous laughter. The tension that was sizzling in the air popped, dissolving as the ridiculousness of the situation became painfully clear. Joel wanted to stay and you didn’t want him to go, meaning that there was no reason for either of you to be so worked up. He wasn’t going anywhere and you should have known that from the moment you saw the seven dollar coffee he had driven across town for, or the warm breakfast that just so happened to still be fresh hours after when he would have made it. And you? Well, there was nobody else you’d rather spend your last day off with. 

“My bad darling, you go ahead,” Joel chuckled, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck when the laughter finally petered off. 

“Um, I was gonna say that I have some things to do today but I was wondering if you’d want to tag along?,” you asked hopefully, fiddling with your fingers as you quickly added, “It’ll probably be pretty boring but I don’t know, I can be fun sometimes. No pressure though.”

“Yes,” Joel answered immediately, not even taking a second to think about it. 

“Yes? Just like that?,” you balked, his eagerness making your head spin, “You don’t even know what my plans are. What if you just agreed to rob a bank with me? Or murder someone? I could be a criminal Joel.”

He rolled his eyes, “Well, then your plans wouldn’t be very boring would they?” 

“Got me there Miller,” you giggled, unable to keep the goofy grin off of your face. 

Joel smiled and looked down at his feet, boyishly scuffing the floors with his dusty boots but you didn’t mind. He could ruin every inch of your freshly scrubbed flooring for all you cared, just so long as you got to watch as he tried and failed not to blush under your scrutiny, getting more worked up the longer you shamelessly stared. Nonetheless, as much as you wanted to watch Joel squirm forever, there was work to be done before you went back to the library on Monday. 

“Alright well, I need to go get ready so ah… Just make yourself at home I guess? I’m sure you already know where everything is from last time you were here, but feel free to snoop around if you can’t find something,” you teased, earning a small chuckle from him. 

“Take your time baby, I don’t mind waiting,” he replied easily, dropping down onto the sofa with a small grunt. 

There was that word again. Baby. It echoed in your mind, reverberating off the inside of your skull until you were close to screaming. Joel had no right to call you that. He had no right to tease out that part of you that longed for connection, that begged to be released again for the first time in years, but he had. He had and you wanted to hear him say it every single day, to lovingly whisper it in your ear on the sleepy mornings that you slept past the alarm, to murmur it against your lips in those stolen moments when he thought nobody was looking, to growl it angrily as he mercilessly pummeled your aching cunt into submission. You wanted it all. 

“D’ya wanna take a picture or something?,” Joel drawled, his knowing smirk making you feel warm all over as he caught you red handed, “It’d probably last longer honey.” 

“Sorry, I uh… I’ll go get dressed. You just…”

He cocked his head, “I just what?” 

Should you say it? Definitely not, but you couldn’t stop the words from coming even if you tried. 

“Nothing, it’s -,” you sighed, utterly frustrated at how useless your brain became around him, “It’s just your work clothes. They’re cute - You look very cute in them Joel, that’s all.”

Before Joel had the chance to respond, you spun on your heel and hastened towards the staircase. If you stayed in his presence any longer, you weren’t sure you’d be able to hold back. He was simply too breathtaking sunk into your couch, like he was meant to be there all along. You couldn’t help but picture him there on quiet mornings, lazily thumbing through the newspaper or one of the worn out westerns that you had spotted in his living room. You imagined creeping downstairs and watching him pause to take a sip of his coffee. Would Joel smile when he finally looked up? Or would he crack a joke, his eyes alight with playfulness as you skipped over and snuggled into his side? 

“Fucking hell,” you mumbled, shaking your head as you dragged yourself back upstairs. 

You needed to focus, to push away the immense longing that was clouding your judgment before you did something utterly embarrassing like slide into his lap and try to kiss him. There would be time for that someday, if you were lucky, but at that moment what you needed to do was pick something to wear that was more appealing than Joel’s rumpled clothes. With that harrowing task ahead, as well as a disaster on top of your head that only seemed to get angrier the more you poked at it, you put Joel Miller in a box, trying like hell not to think about the fact that he was waiting for you downstairs as you readied yourself for the day. 

- Joel -

Joel wasn’t sure what he had done in a previous life to deserve his morning. First you had called him cute, despite the fact that his beaten up work clothes were likely trekking dirt all throughout your home and staining the couch. He was thankful that you hadn’t turned back after you said it, as you undoubtedly would have caught his slack jawed stare. But when you had come downstairs all dressed up, batting your pretty eyelashes at him as you asked, are you ready to go handsome? Well, he had nearly choked to death on his own spit. 

How was Joel supposed to focus when you were dressed like that? He was too busy staring at the way your flowy little shorts brushed against the soft, supple skin of your thighs or how your breasts strained against the confines of your tank top. If so much as a breeze blew past, he knew that he’d catch a glimpse of the curve of your ass. And if you tried to grab something from the top shelf at the store? Joel would get a lot more than that, as your poor excuse for a shirt was testing his patience with each breath you took. 

From the moment your feet had touched down on the first floor, you had rendered Joel’s vocal chords useless and with no possibility of communicating, he had no choice but to nod and gesture towards the door in hopes that you would understand. He sighed when you smiled at him and skipped towards the door without question, only to get an even more devastating look at your backside as you led the way. If Joel was a better man, a stronger man, he would have been a gentleman and looked away, but he wasn’t. Instead, he found himself subtly readjusting himself so that he didn’t have to waddle to the outside like an idiot, hoping like hell you didn’t notice. 

“Alright so, I really need to get groceries so that I don’t starve this week aaaand I also have a book order to pick up. Which one do you wanna do first?,” you asked excitedly, practically bouncing down the steps of the porch. 

He snorted, “Forgive me if I’m wrong sweetheart, but don’t you work at an honest to god library? What are you doing buying books? Can’t you get them for free?”

“Well yeah, but we don’t always carry the types of books I want to read. Sometimes I like to spice it up a bit ya know? Get something off the menu, if you know what I mean,” you said suggestively, nudging him in the ribs as you wiggled your eyebrows at him. 

Joel had no idea what you meant, but he smiled and nodded nonetheless. He wasn’t much of a reader, with most of his experience being the legends of cowboys and news columns, but he admired the allegiance to your craft. How could a book be anything other than words on a paper? He wasn’t sure, but the teasing lilt to your tone made his heart start to thump hard against the walls of his chest anyways. The innuendo you were trying to make was clear but he couldn’t quite wrap his brain around it. It sounded like you were alluding to something sexier but no, there was no way. Smutty books were for bored housewives, not people like you… Right? 

Joel’s palms began to sweat as he shoved that racy thought from his mind, heart pounding as he vehemently tried to remind himself that he wasn’t a complete idiot. That at several points in his life he actually had successfully charmed a member of the opposite sex before. Hell, he even had at least one kid that proved it. Nevertheless as Joel stumbled helplessly along, pulled by the invisible string tied around his heart, he was a hopeless mess. You were too beautiful, too smart, too funny, and all the other adjectives he couldn’t quite think of. However, when you suddenly turned away from him and pulled out your keys, he snapped out of it in an instant. 

“What are you doing?,” he asked dumbly. 

“Driving us to the grocery store? What are YOU doing?,” you shot back, lifting an eyebrow at the sight of him standing at your driver’s side with his own keys in hand. 

Joel examined your vehicle, if you could even call it that, with a frown carving deep lines into his face. He wasn’t sure how the hell the thing had passed inspection, much less how you managed to get it to start up every morning without having it explode. And if that wasn’t enough to make him wary, he knew beyond a shadow of doubt that there was no way it had air conditioning. With how dangerous the thing looked and how hot the day was, he wasn’t about to let either of you cook for the sake of chivalry. 

“Sweetheart, with all due respect, there ain’t no way I’m getting into that death trap with you,” Joel said, entirely serious despite your surprised laugh. 

“What? Don’t be so dramatic Joel, she’s perfectly fine! A few coats of paint and an oil change, and she’d be good as new,” you assured him as you shoved the key into the door. 

“An oil change?!,” he exclaimed, “How long has the light been on?” 

You shrugged, “Since I got it about a month ago.” 

A squawk fell from your lips as Joel tore the keys from your grasp, easily pocketing them before hurrying off towards his own vehicle. 

“What the f - hey! Joel idon’tknowyourmiddlename Miller! Get your ass back here and give me my damn keys!,” you called out. 

“Nope!,” Joel easily threw over his shoulder as he marched over to his truck, “I’ve got kids darling, can’t be getting blown to bits before they’re off to college!” 

Joel walked straight to the passenger’s side, getting there just in time to unlock and open it for the disgruntled woman chasing him. For someone who spent most of their days helping members of the community, you had quite the colorful vocabulary when you were annoyed. He chewed the inside of his cheek as you rounded the corner, trying to keep his amusement at bay as you gave him the most adorable little frown he had ever seen in his life. 

“Keys,” you ordered, holding a hand out to him impatiently. 

“Get in the truck first,” Joel shot back, unwilling to back down so easily. 

If Joel had it his way you’d never drive that death trap again, but it was much too early for him to be volunteering to be your dedicated taxi driver. He wasn’t a complete idiot, he knew that he needed to wait to spring something so bold on a woman that had clearly been burned before. But as you sighed and cocked your hip, not even trying to hide your annoyance from him, he was finding it hard to remember why he needed to tread so carefully. 

“Right, let me guess, oh I’m Joel Miller. I’m a tough contractor and we’re all too manly to sit in a passenger seat from time to time, especially if it’s a lady driving us. Give me a fucking break,” you jabbed, laying on the poorest attempt at an accent that he had ever heard. 

If it were anyone else, Joel probably would have pointed out that as Texan as he was, he wasn’t a caricature. But with you, he just found it endearing and barked a laugh. 

“First of all, you need to work on the accent darling. I ain’t Colonel Sanders,” Joel pointed out. 

You glared at him then, steadily losing patience for his antics the longer your keys remained in his pocket. Joel paled, a strike of fear hitting him as he realized you were being dead serious. Sensing the change in your demeanor, he cleared his throat and switched gears, trying to reverse the damage before he ruined the day with his poor attempt at being funny. 

“Aw shit honey, you’ve got me all wrong.”

“Do I? Because it seems to me that you still have my keys,” you sassed. 

“Here, take ‘em.” 

The set of keys Joel shoved in your face made you falter. They were his, not yours, the faded pink and green braided keychain that Sarah had made him years ago making it painstakingly obvious. You didn’t know it, but it was a big deal for him to let you drive his truck, as not even Tommy had been granted that privilege. Joel wasn’t sure why but the thought of seeing you drive his truck made him tingle all over. He imagined you in his usual seat, gripping the worn steering wheel with your far more delicate fingers as you hummed along to the radio and chattered about everything under the sun. His heart stuttered as he thought of it, forcing him to take a deep breath so that he didn’t get too dizzy. 

“What? Why?,” you gasped, eyeing the set of keys like they might bite you. 

“You heard me baby, take ‘em if you want to drive so damn bad. I just don’t feel like dying a fiery death today because you didn’t think to get an oil change. S’nothing personal,” he said with a shrug. 

“Nothing personal, he says. Sure sounds pretty fucking personal, ” you bickered, snatching the keys from his hand so you could cross over to the driver’s side, “You’re lucky that you’re cute Miller, now get in the damn truck.” 

“Yes ma’am.” 

Joel slid into the seat beside you, happily allowing you to adjust the seat and fiddle with the mirrors a bit before you set off. It was weird being a passenger in his own vehicle but he had to admit, being free to stare at you unabashedly had its perks, like getting to pick up things he hadn’t before. As you drove, going over your game plan for the grocery store like it was some sort of high stakes mission, he noticed that you often took a hand off the wheel to gesture, providing a flourish to all of the points you wanted to emphasize. 

Joel watched as you placed both of your hands back on the wheel when you were done speaking, drumming your fingers against cracked leather to the beat of the song that was playing. It was some upbeat hit, nothing that he would usually be caught dead playing in his truck but it didn’t matter. With you in the driver’s seat, Joel couldn’t hear anything. All he could focus on was you, simply existing in a space that he found himself in every single day. 

“So, what do you think?,” you prompted, looking at him expectantly. 

“What do I think about what?,” Joel sighed dreamily, wishing he could scooch a little closer and press himself against you like some sort of love sick puppy. 

You rolled to a stop at a set of lights, turning in your seat to look him over with a furrowed brow. 

“About where we go first; bookstore or groceries.” 

“Oh, uh… It’s up to you darling, I’m just along for the ride,” he shrugged, relaxing back against his seat as the light turned green. 

You sighed, “I guess groceries it is then. We’ll save the fun thing for last, that way it’s like a  reward.” 

Much to Joel’s embarrassment, the rest of the ride followed a similar trajectory. You would speak to him and he would try to follow along, but his nerves and giddiness would get in the way every single time. Everytime he looked at you, it was like his ears became filled with cotton, rendering him absolutely useless. When you finally turned into the parking lot, he sighed in relief, silently berating himself for being such a bumbling fool in your presence. 

Joel wanted to be smooth, to sweet talk you until you were trembling for him as he had the previous day, but he couldn’t. Being alone with you was all encompassing, wiping his brain clean of any thoughts despite his attempts to remain somewhat cognitive. At that moment, with how flustered he was, it was beginning to feel like every bit of progress he had accomplished thus far had been nothing but dumb luck. 

Realistically, Joel had never been known for being smooth but he was usually, at the very least, able to talk to women. He thumped his head against the headrest behind him, realizing just how doomed he was as he watched you fix your hair in the mirror. If a suave man was what you wanted, then he was the last person you should be spending your time with. Nonetheless, Joel still popped out of his seat as you cut the engine, desperate to redeem himself as he raced over to open the door for you. He knew that it was an old fashioned move, likely regarded as corny to some, but he liked the way you looked at him when he did it. Plus, being there to help you out meant that he got to hold your hand for a few precious seconds. 

“Thank you,” you whispered, adorably flustered as he helped you down. 

Joel beamed at you in return, smiling wide as you let his hand linger a bit longer than necessary before dropping it and heading towards the store. It would take some time for you to allow him to keep holding it, but that was okay. He’d wait forever if he had to. 

“Okay so, we’ll do produce, bread aisle, eggs, protein, snacks, frozen stuff, and then we’re out. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy,” you sighed, the stress rolling off of you in waves. 

Joel watched as you made yourself taller, straightening your spine fully as you walked through the doors with a hard look on your face. If he didn’t know any better, he’d assume you were walking into a prison with how serious you became. It was like you were trying to ward off any inmates before they tried to punk you for being a newbie. 

“Is there a reason you’ve got us gearing up for a fight or do you usually prepare for battle every time you leave the house?,” Joel teased as he grabbed a cart and followed closely behind. 

“This place is worse than a friggin’ battleground,” you huffed, picking up a bag of peppers to inspect them before you plopped them into the cart, “It’s just so loud in here and people are always shoving me. That’s why I like the market better, it’s lower stakes and a better crowd.” 

Joel nodded, trying to think of the last time he had been there. He smiled when remembered it. An eight year old Ellie had begged him to take her and then subsequently dragged him around all the stalls to look at the local art. Everything the artists had talked to her about had been way over his head of course, but he thought it was nice that they took the time to recommend certain paints and canvases to an excited kid. The Miller crew’s trip to the market hadn’t lasted long, as Sarah had quickly gotten bored and started complaining about the heat, but he had enjoyed it until his children started hissing at each other like angry cats. With the bickering between sisters growing steadily in volume, the visit unfortunately had to be cut short before the two made a scene in front of the vendors. 

“The market’s nice, I get why you’d rather go there. To be honest with you, I usually get mine delivered,” Joel sighed and shook his head,“There’s way too many familiar faces here and not enough space to run.” 

“Sounds like a nightmare.” 

It could be, though there were times that Joel loved it. There was something comforting about living your entire life in the same town. Every street, every family, every stream, every nook and cranny had been accounted for in his thirty four years of living in Austin. However, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t escape the people who had watched him grow into the man he was, the same people that undoubtedly remembered every part of his life that he’d rather forget. Sometimes he wanted to drown all of his former selves in a river, snuffing them out so that nobody could remember the things he had done, the things that had been done to him, and everything in between. But what good would that do? Austin was where he had laid down roots, it was where he had raised his kids. There was no leaving it now. 

“Can be, but s’not too bad. Most of the looky-loos in this town are harmless, just old people and bored married couples looking to get their drama-fix. I don’t cause much trouble these days anyways so I’m usually left out of it, unless they’re feeling nostalgic,” Joel muttered.  

“Wait a second, so does that mean you were the town’s resident bad boy back in the day?,” you gasped. 

“Nah, that’s all Tommy. That boy’s got a record that’s probably got our mama spinning in her urn,” he chuckled and shook his head, “But me? Nah, I was just dumb sometimes. It was never anything too crazy.” 

“Do I get to know any of the dumb things you did or are you going to make me ask one of the chatty old birds that come into the library?,” you asked playfully, nudging your way into his personal space to reach for a loaf of bread. 

Joel swallowed hard as the curve of your ass brushed along his front, gritting his teeth as he felt it brush against his zipper. He prayed you wouldn’t feel him twitch against your backside as you bent over, especially with how thin your shorts were. His face burned as you turned around with an arm full of whole wheat, the knowing look on your face making him squirm. If only you knew just how starved for attention Joel was, or how many times in the last half hour he had thought about ripping those little shorts off and burying his face in between your plush thighs. Perhaps then you would know better than to toy with him in such a public setting. 

“Jesus,” Joel whispered, carefully readjusting himself while you turned to throw the bread into the cart. 

“Well?”

“Oh, uh…”

“The stupid things you did?,” you graciously reminded him. 

Joel cleared his throat, racking his brain for something outrageous enough to quench your curiosity without opening a can of worms. The last thing he needed was to have you go digging through his past before you knew him enough to give him the benefit of the doubt. 

“Oh, I don’t know darling. Let’s see… Well, there was this one time during my senior year that I streaked a football game for a case of bud light.”

You cackled, “Bud light? Of all the beers, you risk a criminal record for that one? Bleh.” 

“Tell me about it,” Joel chuckled, remembering how unsatisfying the room temperature beer had been after the long term grounding his mom had greeted him with when he got home that night. 

“I never pegged you for a nudist,” you teased. 

He guffawed, “Nudist? I just didn’t have a fake ID yet and Tommy wouldn’t share his.” 

“Whatever you say Miller” you giggled, “Any other petty crimes you’d like to admit to?”

“One time I stole the principal's keys and filled his car with cow shit because he wouldn’t let me go to swim meets until I got my grades up,” Joel admitted, wincing as he added, “Thing is, he had already suspended Tommy earlier that day for smoking in the bathroom so uh…”

“They blamed him?!,” you nearly bellowed.  

“Quiet down! Yeah, they blamed him,” he groaned, rolling his eyes as you exploded into a fit of giggles, “But don’t you go telling him that sweetheart, that is top secret information. He still hasn’t put it together and I’d like to keep it that way.” 

“Shit, that’s good,” you panted, clutching your chest as you tried to catch your breath, “Oh my god Joel, that’s hilarious but don’t worry, I won’t tell him. Your secret is safe with me… I mean, unless you start pissing me off.”

“Haha, very funny,” Joel said, rolling his eyes at your teasing.

He watched as you struggled to hide a smile, shifting through one of the freezers for a ridiculous amount of snacks. 

“What about you? Were you the rebel or the prom queen?,” Joel asked, trying to imagine a younger, more awkward version of you. 

“More like the resident dork,” you said as you slammed yet another load of sugary treats and frozen pizzas into the cart, “It was just me and the other weird kids hanging out in the English teacher’s class during lunch so we could stay out of the way. No crazy stories there I’m afraid. ” 

He winced, “Jesus, m’sorry honey. I shouldn’t have asked.” 

“Meh, it wasn’t too bad. I spent most of my time reading with them during lunch or smoking in the woods behind the school. I had good grades so I was pretty much just waiting out the clock until I could graduate and haul ass to university,” you sighed. 

“Well, did you at least get to have a little fun there?,” Joel tried, already regretting his question when you scowled at the bag of fries you were holding. 

“Nah, my teens and twenties were both write-offs but that’s fine. Happens to the best of us,” you shrugged, “I’d say my thirties will be better but with how they started, I’m probably shit out of luck on that one. Fuck it, my forties will be my time to shine.” 

The back of Joel’s throat burned at that, an uncomfortable feeling settling in his stomach as he imagined you in the worst conditions possible. He hadn't pushed you to divulge anything about your past, not wanting to make you uncomfortable, but being left in the dark was starting to drive him insane. All he knew was what he could see: that you were incredibly jumpy, almost like you were terrified to disappoint him for some reason, and that you consistently prioritized the comfort of others over your own. Joel wasn’t the most perceptive man by any means, but he was more than capable of connecting the dots on that one. 

“Forties it is then,” he confirmed, unsure of what else there was for him to say. 

You grinned at him, “Promise?”

“Sweetheart, I’ll add on a lifetime if ya let me.”

A pleased noise came from you, the sound of it forcing all of the air from his lungs once again. Joel watched as you tried to compose yourself, practically glowing from the small comment he had made. His heart rate sped up, the heavy thuds shaking his entire being as the words sunk in for him as well. Why did he say that? He had meant it completely, but was it too soon? An excitable hum started beneath his skin, drawing life back into his body as he let himself dream of a future that seemed to be within his grasp for once in his life. 

“You’re fucking nuts,” you breathed out, not even trying to hide the way you stared at his lips. 

Joel clenched his fists, digging the blunt edges of his fingernails into his palms to keep from closing the distance. It would be so easy to melt into you, to allow himself to indulge in the sweet treat that was being waved in front of his face, but he couldn’t. He wanted the first time he kissed you to be monumental, for it to be something that would sweep you off your feet like you deserved. It could be nothing short of perfection. Which was why when you stepped closer, he looked away, chewing on the inside of his cheek as he tried to think of anything to say that would break the tension. 

“Uh,” he started, finding his distraction in the goods you had piled into the cart, “You’re calling me crazy? I’m not the woman who's buying damn near ten boxes of frozen pizza and about a gallon of rocky road. Are you going into hibernation or something?”

“Excuse me, it’s not my fault that your offspring are like black holes. Hell, I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t give them food they’d start chewing on my damn walls. What are you feeding them over there anyways? Air?,” you shot back, a ghost of a smile playing on your lips.  

Joel blinked, completely taken aback by your teasing. He knew that sometimes the girls went over for movie nights, which he assumed involved maybe a couple bags of popcorn, and perhaps even a few cans of soda to wash it down - nothing too crazy. He had no idea that you had been actually feeding his kids when he wasn’t around, even buying groceries for when they inevitably came waltzing into your home unannounced. All of the neurons in his brain clashed together as he let that soak in, an instinctual response brewing from somewhere deep inside of him. 

“I-I had no idea. Fuck, how long have you been doing that?,” Joel stammered, although he was unsure what a straight answer might do to his poor heart. 

“Hmmm, well they came over my first week in town and said they were starving. What was I supposed to do? Not feed them? That’s crazy! Plus,” you added with a shrug, “What can I say? It gets lonely eating dinner by yourself all the time and since you were at work, I figured it would be fine if I fed them. But uh, I can stop if you want.”

Joel’s brain short circuited, making him halt in place in the middle of the aisle. You had fed his girls in the times that he couldn’t, nourishing them as if they were an extension of yourself. Without even being asked to, you had helped his family. He swallowed hard, chest tight as the thought of you with his daughters blurred the edges of his mind, and he found himself barrelling towards you in an instant.  

Without thinking about it, Joel threw his arms around you, placing his chin on top of your head so that he could give you a firm squeeze. At first you did nothing except let out a small yelp, going still for a few moments before you slowly started to hug him back. It didn’t matter to him that the two of you were in the middle of the frozen foods section, or that the nosy shoppers stared as they passed by, what mattered was the soft noise you made when he nuzzled top of your head, and the way your hands soon gripped the back of his shirt like you were afraid that he might let go.  

“I don’t even know what to say sweetheart. That means the world to me,” he whispered into your hair, pressing a small peck on the side of your head before he pulled back to look at you, “Really, you have no idea.” 

“I-I um, it’s nothing Joel. They’re good kids, the best really, and I’d be pretty lonely without them. You shouldn’t even be thanking me, they were the ones doing me a favour by giving me a bit of human contact outside of work,” you answered shakily. 

“Sure,” Joel drawled, allowing you space to breathe as your knees started to shake under the heavy weight of his stare, “But thank ya anyways honey, I mean it.” 

You shook your head once, turning back towards the task at hand and Joel let you. He was walking on cloud nine, actually allowing his mind to go down that dangerous path filled with hopes and dreams. In that moment Joel decided that no matter what, he was all in. It was insane, committing himself to someone that he barely knew, but he didn’t give two shits. From the moment you stepped out of that bathroom and dropped your towel in front of him, you had wrapped around his heart like a vice, strangling it with every torturous beat. He needed to be yours, which was why he needed to ask before he exploded. 

“Are you doing anything later? I was wonderin’ if ya maybe wanted to -”

“Joel? Joel Miller?,” came from behind him, the familiar voice making his face fall. 

The world caved in on him in an instant, the walls growing and shrinking as Joel willed himself to turn around. He sighed, of course she would be at the grocery store. It was a Sunday, half the city was probably out and about before their weekends came to a close. He had been stupid, so irredeemably stupid when he agreed to come but in his defence, he had been hypnotized by your sultry gaze and satin skin on display. Joel gulped, visibly shrinking as he turned and finally locked eyes with the elderly woman. His heart stuttered, all of the memories flashing through his mind as he tried to think of what to say to her. 

“Well I’ll be damned, I thought that was you! Jesus, how long has it been? I started to think you’d moved away. How’ve ya been sweetie?”

Willa smiled at him, her eyes shining with a maternal kind of love that he didn’t deserve. After everything that had happened Joel hadn’t tried to contact her, not even once, as he had been too scared of what she might say to him. Or worse, what he would say to her. There were brief run-ins when the girls were young, before he had learned to avoid her usual spots, but aside from that he had thankfully managed to steer clear for nearly fifteen years. But at that moment there were no screaming babies for him to hide behind, just a beautiful woman looking terribly confused as she stood by his side. 

“Ooou, and who’s this? Tommy never told me you were seeing anyone,” she asked playfully. 

Fucking Tommy, Joel thought to himself. Of course he still talked to her, why would his little shit of a brother make anything easy on him? 

“Oh, this is um -”

Thankfully you stepped forward, side eyeing him as you gave her your name and shook her hand. Willa asked you something after that, likely about work or when you had gotten to town, but Joel’s mind was elsewhere. He was thinking about that night, about how he had been torn to shreds by an impossible decision. There had only been one answer to her question but it had shamed him to say it, to let go of a piece of himself so that he could focus on being a dad. It had felt like betrayal but even then, as a twenty year old idiot, he had known his answer. Still, knowing that he was right didn’t make it any easier. 

“I’m glad to meet one of Joel’s friends, I used to love it when the kids came to play in my yard and I got to meet all the little characters in their lives,” Willa laughed.

The kind squeeze that she gave to Joel’s forearm burned and he had to physically stop himself from jumping back. Stomach acid splashed against the back of his throat, forcing him to swallow a couple times so that he didn’t ruin your sneakers by vomiting all over them. He wondered briefly if the morning had been a dream, if he was really still at home in bed, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t wake himself up. 

“Aw, I can imagine. Ellie and Sarah were so cute when they were little, I saw some pictures at Joel’s and I almost died,” you gushed. 

“Oh no dear, I actually haven’t had the pleasure of meeting them now that they’re grown. I’m talking about him and T -” 

“We actually have to get going Willa but it’s been great seeing you,” Joel cut in, his heart pounding in his ears as he corralled you towards the check out, “But I’ll be sure to give you a call sometime, have a good day!” 

With tremors shaking his entire frame, Joel ushered you up to the front. He heard you asking him something but he was gone, splintered across time no matter how hard he tried to stay in the present. Childhood memories flooded his mind, followed by the ridiculousness of his teens and early adulthood, but it was those last few weeks that haunted him the most. How could he have not seen it? It had been right in front of him all along but he was too caught up to understand it at the time. 

“We don’t um, we don’t have to go to the bookstore if you don’t want to. I understand if you changed your mind,” you said softly as he moved forward to bag your groceries.  

Joel hip checked you when you tried to take one of the bags from him, too out of it to notice that he was being slightly rude. 

“That’s probably for the best,” he grunted, already kicking himself for the clipped tone he used. 

The way your face fell twisted Joel’s heart, only making him feel more disgusted with himself. For the life of him, he could never understand why he ever thought that this was a good idea. How could he ever think that you might be his future? You were soft and warm, deserving of all the best things that life could give. And Joel? He couldn’t even begin to explain to you why he was upset.

All of the words that Joel knew you wanted to hear died on his tongue, his throat dry and scratchy as he tried to force himself to speak. It was pointless. His vocal chords had been rusting for well over a decade, corroded by years of misuse and heartbreak, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t want to. God, he wanted to tell you so badly that it nearly killed him to watch you walk away from him. Your jaw was set, arms crossed over themselves in an attempt to comfort yourself in the way that he should be able to. It made him want to die. 

Joel thought of all the times that he had let women in his life walk away, about the greatest triumphs and failures of his life. Letting Marlene walk away? That had been hard, but necessary. She had never wanted him or Sarah, and he had no intention of forcing her to be someone other than the free spirited disaster that she had always been. But letting Tess walk away from him when she needed him the most? That was a choice that had hung over him like a knife for years, threatening to ruin every beautiful moment in his life. He didn’t want the same to be true about you. Tightening his jaw, he crammed the past back in its little box, stowing it away for later so that he could focus on the present. 

- You -

What the hell had just happened? 

Moments before Willa had come over to say hi, Joel had been carefree, staring at you with hearts in his eyes as the two of you filled your cart. However, the second he had heard her voice he had turned to stone, the light in his eyes dimming as she hobbled over with a gummy smile that reminded you of a grandmother long since passed. She was extremely kind and seemed ecstatic to see Joel after what you guessed to have been years, but he had been quick to drag you away from her. Was it you? Was it her? You had no idea but based on the way he was angrily chewing on the inside of his cheek as the two of you walked back to the truck, you didn’t dare ask. 

The silence on the walk back was unbearable, along with the awkward exchange when you handed Joel the keys so he could drive home. Although it had been fun to drive his truck, you didn’t feel like it anymore. The day had started off so happy and hopeful but for whatever reason, it was now ruined. The context of the exchange between Joel and Willa was lost on you but it still weighed heavy on your heart, as you were reminded once again that he was a stranger. 

Although Joel offered it to you when he was done putting the groceries in the back, you ignored the hand that was held out to you and threw yourself up into the seat instead. It was childish but at that moment, you would rather ungraciously flop into the truck than grab a hold of a man that refused to communicate with you. There had been enough of that in your previous relationship. Joel made an annoyed noise as you continued to ignore him, focusing your gaze ahead as he watched you angrily yank on the seatbelt. A beat passed when you were done, one where the tension between you grew thick with confusion and resentment, before he suddenly snapped the door shut. 

Stop it, stop it, stop it, you told yourself over and over again as your eyes began to water. It was stupid, you had no claim over any part of Joel’s life. He was under no obligation to tell you anything about his past and it was hypocritical to be mad at him for keeping secrets, especially when you also had things that you had yet to confess. However, as Joel took his time getting into the driver’s seat, you felt yourself grow increasingly impatient with him. His actions had triggered something inside of you, igniting a rage that could burn entire cities to the ground but just as you were about to explode, it was your door - not his - that was whipped open. 

“Joel?”

“I was a dick to ya just now,” he said bluntly. 

Oh. 

Of all the things Joel could have said, that was not something you would have ever predicted. A hush fell over the cab of the truck, the two of you locked in a staring contest as you tried and failed to think of a response. What could you possibly say to that? Sure, Joel had been snippy with you but why did he feel the need to apologize? Nobody had ever done that to you before and although you knew it was a good thing, you couldn’t help but feel a little unnerved by his honesty. It almost felt like him being angry with you would have been easier, or at the very least more familiar. 

“Okay,” you tried, twisting in the seat to face him as you asked, “Um, why did you do that?”

“Willa was…,” he groaned and rubbed his face, “She was the mother of someone I was friends with a long time ago. I’m sorry honey, I swear that I never meant to be rude to you or her. It’s just that I wanted today to be about you, not T-…”

Joel looked away then, his jaw working hard as he tried to hold back his own words. Given his cold expression most people would have assumed he was pissed, but you weren’t fooled by the tough guy act. Joel was scared, terrified really, with every muscle in his body bunched up like it was readying for an attack. You understood that kind of fear, had lived with it for so long that it had become comfortable. There was pain buried deep inside of him, trapped beneath years of silence, shame, and seething rage. All of it poured off of him in bitter waves and despite his obvious attempts to speak up, you realized that it would take some time for him to peel all of that back. 

“What happened?,” you asked softly. 

Joel’s gaze snapped back towards you, eyes ablaze with contempt for a second before he sighed and snuffed it out. Touchy subject, you noted, deciding to leave the question hanging in the air instead of pushing the matter. But the longer he kept quiet, the more he started to resemble a caged animal and without thinking, you laid a hand on his chest and pressed into the skin there in an attempt to ground him. Joel flinched at first but you were undaunted, understanding the fear that tensed his jaw and quickened the heart beating beneath your palms. It took a few more moments before the haunches started to lower, relief replacing terror as he began to realize that it was okay to be vulnerable. 

“Died,” Joel said, his voice gruff, “My best friend died and I don’t er… I haven’t talked about it, not yet at least. There wasn’t really any time to talk about it when it happened. I had two baby girls to take care of so…” 

“Oh Joel, I’m so sorry,” you sighed, aching from the sadness in his eyes.

“S’alright, I just don’t like to be reminded of it,” he plucked your hand from his chest, gripping it tight as he added, “I’m okay though baby, it was a long time ago anyways.”

“We don’t have to talk about it.”

Joel opened his eyes, his face wide open as he squeezed your fingers again and then laid the hand back over his beating heart. All of the air rushed out of your lungs at the small gesture, heart slamming against the inside of your chest as one of his hands came up to cup the side of your face. He tilted your head a bit, making sure you couldn’t look away from him as he spoke. 

“I’m gonna to tell you someday honey, I swear. It’s just hard and I don’t know how to…,” he trailed off, shaking his head at himself, “I need time to figure out how to say it. I’m sorry, I know that that might not be enough for you but I just can’t yet, okay?.” 

“Joel,” you whispered, eyes shining as you nuzzled his hand, an act that further softened his features and allowed his shoulder to drop a bit. 

“Is that alright?,” Joel asked, his eyes filled with hope and fear. 

You nodded and yanked on his arm, giggling at the small oof Joel let out as he fell into the cab. His chest slammed into yours, nearly knocking you back against the seat but you managed to regain your balance by wrapping your arms around him. A hushed groan rumbled in his chest as you pressed him closer, hands rubbing at his back as you squeezed him with all of your might. Usually you would be too scared to be this handsy but with the memory of Joel hugging you in the grocery store still fresh in your mind, you figured it was fine to level the playing field. 

“Fuck darling,” he sighed as he wrapped his strong arms around you, happily crushing you against him,“Where the hell did you come from, huh?”

“Mmm, heaven obviously,” you joked, earning a small laugh from him. 

Joel pulled away after a while and you let him, already missing the feeling of him against you. He slowly retracted his arms, making sure to brush every inch of skin with his rough palms as he did. A shudder passed through you, causing a sharp pang of lust to further dampen your poor panties. You weren’t sure if that had been his intention but based on the pleased look on his face, it certainly wasn’t an unwelcome development. 

“C’mon, enough talking about the past. Let’s get those groceries home before they go bad,” he said with a heavy sigh. 

“Oh shit! The groceries!,” you blurted out, trying to shove him out of the cab with all of your might, “Fucking shit, I completely forgot! We need to go before the ice cream melts! ”

“Alright, alright, hold your horses lady. I’m going, just give me a second,” Joel cackled, batting your hands away so that he could stop for a moment and straighten the few errant strands that had been smushed against the sides of your face from the hug. 

He grinned at you when he was done and then shut the door, jogging over to his side like he couldn’t wait to slip back into your presence again. Or perhaps that was just you that felt that way, but what did it matter? Joel was soon sitting beside you with his hand clamped down over your left thigh again, his thumb brushing the soft skin there as he drove towards home. Except this time, you reached down and slid your hand into his, holding it in your lap as you looked out the window. You didn’t dare look to see his reaction at first, utterly terrified that he would be sitting there with his jaw set or worse, that he would pull away entirely. But then you felt it, a small squeeze that wordlessly assured you that it was okay, that he liked the feeling of you holding his hand, and you relaxed a bit. 

Still, you didn’t look over until Joel was close to home, too shy to stare at him like he had stared at you. However, as he took the final turn onto your block, you had to sneak a peek. The sun framed him perfectly, making his skin glow beautifully under its warmth. He was so handsome, with a striking side profile that made you thank every higher power for strong noses. In truth, Joel Miller was a pretty man, although you held back from telling him that in fear that he would take it poorly. That didn’t make it any less true. He was absolutely beautiful and he was sitting next to you, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips while he let you play with his thick fingers. 

By the time you got home, you had mapped out every freckle on Joel’s face, every scar on the hand in yours, every inch of skin that wasn’t covered with clothing. It made you greedy for more. You were almost disappointed when the truck rolled into your driveway and he jumped out so he could sprint over to your side. Once again Joel helped you down,  stealing your breath away with the small act before he moved to grab your groceries. Despite your protests, he loaded his arms full of bags, leaving you with nothing but the task of holding the door open for him. 

“You’re being ridiculous Joel. I could take at least three of those bags and you’d still have the majority. For the love of God, just let me carry one,” you groaned, watching as he readjusted to squeeze himself through the front door. 

“Nope, I’m just fine darling,” he said casually, completely ignoring your attempts at trying to pry one from his grasp. 

“Hopeless,” you chuckled, shaking your head at his antics as he clumsily maneuvered his way past all of your living room furniture and into the kitchen. 

“Oh definitely sweetheart, but I think ya like it,” Joel threw over his shoulder. 

Joel wasn’t wrong, you liked it very much. As you watched him lug all of the groceries into the kitchen, starting to unbag them himself as you leaned against the counter with an amused grin, you realized that he wasn’t the only hopeless fool. Instead of asking you where everything went, he jammed all of the items in the most ridiculous places, so wrapped up in the task that he seemed to forget that you were in the room. And you let him, much too happy to say anything. 

“Not sure why I thought this would be a good idea” Joel huffed halfway through, peering at the bag of frozen peas that he was about to jam into the cupboard. 

“No shit Sherlock,” you mused, fondness blooming deep in your chest, “What’s the rush? Got some plans that I don’t know about?”

He faltered, “I uh, well yeah actually, I do.” 

“Oh,” you said, unable to fully mask the disappointment in your voice as you pushed off the sink, “Shit, I’m sorry Joel. I didn’t realize that I was holding you up, you should have told me! Here, let me take over. All you’re doing is wreaking havoc anyways.” 

“Sweetheart, you probably should have taken over about five minutes ago. I have no sweet clue what I’m doing here,” he admitted. 

“You don’t say,” you chuckled, grabbing the peas from him so you could shove them in the freezer, “Go, I’m fine here. I wouldn’t want to make you late or anything.” 

“Well, my plans, they um… I had hoped that they would involve you if you weren’t too sick of me yet,” Joel ventured, trying to keep his tone light despite the anxiousness you could see weighing him down. 

“You made plans for us?,” you asked with a slightly warbly voice. 

He nodded solemnly, almost like he was confessing to a crime, “I was gonna go home and grab a few things first but then I thought we could head out. Don’t feel like you have to though, it’s just an idea.” 

Was this -? No, it couldn’t be. There was no way Joel would ask you out on a date so casually. It had to be just a social gathering, a nice hang out between friends. 

“Okay, well, do I get to know what the plans are? Or am I just supposed to just guess what type of clothes to wear and hope for the best?,” you questioned, earning a laugh from him. 

“You’re perfect the way you are darling, don’t change anything unless you want to,” he answered easily, the truth evident in the way his eyes greedily raked over your body. 

The outfit you were wearing wasn’t your best work but it had certainly gotten the job done. Every time you caught Joel staring at your breasts or goggling at your ass had reminded you just how easy it was to impress men. Flowy shorts and a tank top, that’s all there was to the outfit and yet, for the entirety of the day he had stared at you like you were wearing a set of lingerie.  

“Hmmm, okay. I guess I’m in,” you cooed. 

“Well alright then baby,” Joel said sweetly, beaming at you as he turned towards the door, “Stay here, I’ll be right back.” 

“I don’t have much of a choice now. Thanks to you, I’ve got fucking ice cream melting under my sink and dry pasta in the fridge,” you pointed out, forcing a bark of laughter from him. 

Joel raced out the door, the boyish grin on his face making you unreasonably excited. The second you heard the front door shut behind him, you let out a breath and surveyed the disaster, groaning as you realized the damage he had done. You sighed, deciding to leave the best of it and correct only the necessary things; like the milk left on the counter or the cucumber shoved in the freezer. It didn’t take long and once you were done, you sprinted up the stairs, gunning it for your room so you could change into something a bit more tantalizing. 

This morning’s outfit had been perfect for the store but with Joel refusing to give you a location for his mystery trip, you refused to be duped into going somewhere unprepared. It was better to be too dressed up than to be embarrassed for the rest of the day. Tearing off your clothes, you dug into the pile of sundresses that you had ripped from the closet earlier, picking up one of your favorites. It was a blue milkmaid dress with a lace bow that sat right in between your breasts, the thin strip of fabric barely managing to hold the girls in. You smiled, the dress was just what you needed if you wanted to make Joel Miller squirm. 

After smoothing your hair back into a messy yet stylish updo and re-applying a generous layer of deodorant, you stopped by the mirror to look at yourself. If anything, the outfit was a little much. The dress teetered on the edge being a tad too sexy from the cleavage alone, but the fact that the ends of your dress went below your knees helped even it out. Despite how bold it might be, as you slipped on a pair of shoes and drifted down the hallway, you knew that your intended audience would love it. 

Excitement rushed through you as Joel called your name from downstairs, this time forgoing the knock to push the front door open and make himself at home in your space again. Although an open door policy had not been your original plan for living in Austin, you were more than willing to make an exception for the Miller family. The girls had taken to it almost immediately, even going as far as to wander upstairs if they couldn’t find you on the first floor, and the thought of Joel someday being comfortable enough to do the same sent a thrill down your spine. 

“Coming!,” you called out, feeling like a giddy schoolgirl as you raced down the stairs 

Joel waited for you at the bottom of the staircase, a fresh shirt hugging him in all the right places and his curls finally released from the confines of a hat. He looked good, so good that you felt all the confidence the dress had bestowed upon you slipping away. Instead of gliding over to him like the kind of sultry succubus you were attempting to emulate, you nearly tripped over your own feet trying to get to him, the desperation to be near him shining through in an instant. But if he noticed, he didn’t say a word, as he was too wrapped up in his own desire to fault you for being flustered. 

“Wow, you look… Wow,” Joel breathed, stepping closer so he could get a good look at you. 

“A good wow?,” you softly ventured.

“Yeah darling, a very good wow,” he chuckled, his eyes never once leaving that little bow that strained against the weight of your breasts with every breath. 

The dress wasn’t playing fair, you knew that, but it was completely necessary. The patience Joel Miller possessed was commendable, almost painfully so, and you intended to shatter it if it was the last thing you did. You were absolutely famished, growing ever more desperate with each soft touch or brief glance. In order to protect your own sanity, it was time for you to pull out the big guns.

“Good,” you said sweetly, surprising him by taking his hand, “Now, where to next handsome?” 

Joel ushered you back into the truck without another word, once again holding the door for you like the gentleman he was. He was more jumpy than usual as he pulled out of the neighbourhood, a slightly panicked look on his face as he drove, and so you did the only thing you could think of. Carefully, you pried one of his hands off of the steering wheel, gently leading it back down to your lap so you could hold it as he drove. 

“Thank ya darling,” Joel sighed, relaxing slightly against the seat as he squeezed your fingers. 

You hummed, granting him a small smile as you turned your attention to the window. It felt so natural to have Joel’s steady presence at your side, the warmth of his palm making you tingle and his scent invading all of your senses. But when you looked over to see if he was savoring the innocent touch like you were, you noticed that he had sunk back into his own worries, grinding his teeth together with a force that would undoubtedly give him a migraine later. With a sigh, you lifted the cup holder and scooched across the bench, determined to distract him as you pressed into his side. 

“What are ya - oh,” Joel halted, his voice laden with shock as you maneuvered his arm so that it could drape over your shoulders. 

“Relax Joel, you’ve already made it this far. It’s not like I’m gonna run off screaming, you’re my only way home,” you teased. 

“Roger that honey,” he chuckled, the tension breaking as he pressed you so close to his chest that you could hear his heart steadily thumping in your ear. 

Although the day was warm, you didn’t mind being so close to Joel. The AC leveled the playing field quite a bit, making the heat of his skin welcoming as you lounged against him. Before long you couldn’t even pay attention to the road anymore, too relaxed to truly give a damn about where he was taking you. As long as Joel stayed as he was, radiating an unreasonable amount of heat that brought you to the brink of unconsciousness, he could take you across state lines for all you cared. He was just so cozy, like falling asleep on a heated blanket, and you couldn’t help but doze off despite your best efforts to stay awake.  

“We’re here honey,” Joel whispered after some time, his mustache bristling against the shell of your ear. 

“Mmmphf?,” you hummed, yawning as you peeled yourself away from him and looked out the window. 

Joel had brought you into some sort of field, although he had parked a long way away from any structure or road. The sun touched every tree, every patch of flowers, and every soft patch of grass, illuminating the entirety of the property in a way that made it look like a painting. Your mouth popped open, a shock running through you as you watched a set of squirrels chase each other into the wooded area up ahead. 

There was a clear path near the entryway of the woods, undoubtedly leading towards whatever hidden treasure Joel was bringing you to. It was funny. If any other man would have brought you out to the middle of nowhere and asked you to walk down a spooky looking trail with him, you would have ran away as fast as you could. But with Joel, you felt perfectly at ease. Ignoring all of the self preservation skills you had earned from a lifetime of being a woman, you hopped out of the truck and grabbed his free hand, walking straight into the forest with a smile on your face

“What is this place?,” you questioned, eyeing some of the more overgrown parts of the path. 

“This is my parent’s place,” Joel said as he held one of the branches back for you, “Or it was. I don’t know. They’re both gone, so I suppose it’s mine and Tommy’s now but neither of us really use it. He likes being in town and I don’t have the time to fix the house up quite yet, someday though.”

Remembering the sprawling fields and how beautiful the lake in the distance looked, you were slightly jealous. The property was gorgeous, with the added bonus of being away from the hustle and bustle of town. Looking over the terrain, you couldn’t help but feel sad that neither of the brothers had taken the property for themselves. The place had once been loved by the Miller family and now it was all but forgotten. Even the trail Joel led you down showed signs of neglect, crowded by years of accumulated debris and overgrown brush. More than a few times he had to push back the branches before they smacked you in the face, or point out fallen logs for you to jump over. Still, traces of the family remained. 

There was the bench that someone had made out of a log near the entrance, along with a forgotten treehouse about halfway through with the faded words - Joel’s Clubhouse, Stay Out Tommy! - emblazoned onto the side. Even more interesting was the tree that had T.M. + A.J. 4-Ever carved into the side of it, with a wonky heart around it that made you laugh. Everywhere you looked, the ghosts of the people who had previously loved this spot lingered, yet you still couldn’t figure out why it had been abandoned. 

“Jesus, I’m sorry honey. It wasn’t this bad the last time I was up here,” Joel swore, catching you before you had a chance to stumble over a rock. 

“And when was that?,” you huffed as a branch nearly wacked you in the face. 

He scratched the back of his head, looking incredibly guilty as he admitted, “Well, the girls were still in elementary so...” 

“So, a long time then?,” you deadpanned. 

“Shit, guess so. I’m sorry honey. Can you just hold on just a little longer? Please, we’re almost there. I promise that it’ll be worth it.” 

Sighing, you nodded and grabbed the hand outstretched to you, allowing Joel to lead you the rest of the way. There were a few more stumbles, along with quite a few swears that were knocked loose when a branch nicked you or a root threatened to take you both down but finally, you made it. He turned as he led you out into the clearing, a nervous smile on his face as you took it all in. 

“What d’ya think?,” Joel asked. 

“Joel, I don’t even know what to say. This is - holy shit,” you breathed. 

The first thing that caught your eye was the waterfall that pounded against the rocks, along with the deep swimming pole that rested twenty feet below, right next to where the trail ended. There was a moss-ridden rope swing hanging off of one of the many trees on the other side, swaying back and forth like it was begging to be used. You smiled, imagining a much younger version of Joel spending his summers swimming with his friends and fishing for trout. Everything was so rich and green, with pops of bright colors coming in the form of the perfectly placed flowers that sprinkled the usual foliage. 

“Who planted the flowers?,” you mused, bending over to get a whiff of the marigolds. 

“Our mama did. She did most of them before I was born, but I helped her with a patch or two when Tommy was still in diapers,” Joel said from behind you, his voice soft as he reminisced, “She loved it here, we all did.”

There was something so intimate about being brought to a place that clearly held so much meaning to his family. It was like he was trying to show you a part of himself that he couldn’t possibly explain with words. He had brought you to his parent’s place to show you the Joel Miller who had existed before he was a parent, before he had a past that weighed him down. The land on which you stood had been home to the boy who was carefree and young, not the man who everyone turned to. To be trusted with such a place was an honour that was not lost upon you.  

“This place is,” you cleared your throat, thankful that you were facing the water so that he couldn’t see you wipe away tears, “This place is amazing Joel, truly. I don’t really know what to say except - thank you for bringing me here. I love it.” 

With that, you turned back towards him, shocked to find him no longer behind you. Instead, Joel was sitting on a blanket he had sprawled along the side of the rushing waters, looking a bit sheepish as your mouth popped open. There were wrapped sandwiches, fruit, juice boxes, and even a bag of chips laid out against the thick fabric. You stared at the feast, trying to understand why your heart was beating so hard that it shook your ribcage. It was just food and yet, as your eyes locked with Joel’s, it became clear that it was much more than that. 

“Holy shit,” you gasped, but he was undeterred. 

“I know that this is a bit backwards, especially with how we met but um, I thought we could have dinner?,” Joel proposed, starting to twitch as he continued, “I wasn’t sure what you liked so I kept it simple but we could always go somewhere else if this wasn’t - if you didn’t want -”

“This is - You want me t-,” you cut in, taking a shaky step closer, “Joel, is this a date? Did you bring me out here for a date?” 

“If you don’t w -”

The panic set in, ensuring that whatever Joel was about to say would be trampled by the word vomit that spewed out of your mouth. 

“- Because you should really let a girl know if you’re going to take her on a date so that she can prepare properly. I didn’t even shave my legs Joel! And the dress is just - ugh, why would you do this to me?,” you exclaimed, stomach turning as you looked down at your outfit. 

Seconds ago it had been cute and sexy but with the term date hanging over you, it suddenly felt like you were wearing rags. Why didn’t you try harder? An all out breakdown was on the way, your chest burning as you struggled to take in air. You tried to focus on the positive, on the fact that you now had indisputable evidence that Joel felt the same way but no matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t figure out how to get your lungs to cooperate. In and out, that’s all there was to it and yet just as you thought that you might collapse, Joel’s hands gripped the sides of your face and forced you to look up at him. 

“Hey, hey, look at me baby. It’s okay, m’here, just breathe,” Joel cooed, his face warped yet still beautiful in your blurred vision.

“I-I’m sorry, I don’t know why I-”

“Shh, enough of that sweet girl. There ain’t nothing to be sorry for, just breathe with me,” he murmured as one of his hands wandered down to wrap around your waist, the other one burying itself in your hair, “That’s it, just like that.” 

The closer Joel pulled you, the easier it was to breathe and so you leaned into him with all of your might. The warmth radiating off of him trickled into you, soothing all of the nerves that made you shake and shiver every time you looked at the impromptu picnic. All it took was a couple seconds of breathing him in before you finally relaxed, too intoxicated by the weight of his hands on you and the smell of him to be terrified. 

“Listen to be honey,” he murmured, pulling back to look you in the eye, “I brought you here because it’s one of my favorite places and I figured that with all those plants you’ve got in the front window, you’d probably like it too.”

“I do like it Joel, it’s just -”

“Hush, just let me say something first. Then you can go back to freaking out, okay?,” he tried. 

“Okay,” you whispered. 

“This is all I want tonight; just me and you enjoying this place. It doesn’t have to be a date if you don’t want it to be. All I want is to spend time with you, but we can leave if you don’t like it. You’re in control here baby,” Joel said earnestly as he pushed the stray hairs from your face.  

Joel waited for a response, his face neutral despite the panic you knew he was undoubtedly drowning in. You had to hand it to him, the man had the patience of a saint. If it were you who had put yourself out of the line, you would be on the verge of a heart attack. Not that your current position was much better. The answer you wanted to give him was yet - Jesus fucking Christ yes please, oh my god - but you were stuck. There was so much you hadn’t told him about your past, about the skeletons locked inside of your closet, but you weren’t sure if you were ready to talk about it yet. Did Joel deserve a partner like that? And after everything you had been through, did you truly want to carry the guilt that would come from hurting a good man? 

“But, you don’t know me. What if you get to know me and…,” you stumbled on the words, trying to think of a way to make him understand your dilemma without divulging anything. 

“S’not possible baby,” Joel said with a tormented look on his face, as if the very thought of disliking anything about you physically pained him. 

Although you weren’t sure that you believed him, your resistance was weak. Plus, Joel Miller was much more charming than he gave himself credit for. 

“Okay and um… If I said that I did want it to be a date? What then?,” you asked. 

“Well, then we should probably go sit down and eat then,” he said with a wry grin. 

Was it fair? No, but Joel was kind and handsome, the complete opposite of the men in your life thus far. In the wake of your crumbling marriage and the embarrassment of having to start again, you decided that it was okay for you to be selfish for once. So you let Joel lead you back towards the blanket, smiling as he helped you sit down and took his spot at your side. He handed you one of the sandwiches and a juice box, grinning as he grabbed his own and began to unfold the wax paper. You did the same and although you were still wary of the situation, there was a small part of you that was elated. 

The date served as concrete proof that you weren’t completely insane, that Joel also felt the connection between you that only grew stronger with each passing day. He wanted you. No matter how terrible the future may be, or how badly he might take it when you finally opened up to him, in that moment you were wanted. As stupid as that small victory was, you decided to take the win and chomped down on the delicious sandwich that he had made for you. 

“Jesus Joel, this is good,” you hummed, reveling in the simple yet satisfying blend of flavours. 

“It’s just a club,” Joel laughed, his voice muffled around the ginormous bite he had taken. 

“Mmm, I guess,” you granted him, “But I suck at cooking so anything other than frozen food or take out is a godsend.” 

He raised his brows, unable to keep the edges of his mouth from turning downwards. 

You sighed, “Just say it.”

“Why the hell did we just buy nearly half the grocery store then?,” Joel chuckled, getting a playful shove from you in return. 

“I said that I suck at cooking, not that I don’t. A girl’s gotta eat something other than delivery or frozen pizza every so often,” you huffed, rolling your eyes at his grunt of disapproval, “Besides, I have a personal chef whenever Sarah comes over. That girl can make a mean stir fry.” 

“Guess I’ll have to come cook for ya too, can’t have my girl eating garbage all the time just because she won’t buy a damn cook book,” he grumbled. 

“I’d like that,” you whispered, his words not lost on you in the slightest. 

Joel grinned at that, the longing in his eyes leaving you absolutely breathless. Warm pools of melted chocolate looked you up and down, a happy sigh coming from him in lieu of a verbal response. His shoulder bumped against yours, the light in his eyes still present even as you both went back to your sandwiches. 

“So, is this the part where I’m supposed to tell you my favorite color?,” you asked after a while, not used to the silence between you. 

He shrugged, “Dunno, you can if you want to.” 

“Oh come on, you’re telling me that Joel Miller - the resident DILF of all of the parent/teacher conferences in Austin - does not know how to small-talk on a first date?,” you teased. 

Joel’s ears grew red, a bashful look on his face as he ran his fingers through his hair. 

“I don’t know what a DILF is, but no? To be honest with ya honey, I ain’t been on a real date for a couple of years. Kinda flying by the seat of my pants right now,” he admitted. 

“Years?,” you exclaimed, convinced that you were hearing him wrong, “

He shrugged, “I mean, I’ve gone on dates but nothing really comes of it. Work is always busy and I’ve got the girls. I don’t like to bring the women I see around them, s’not right to introduce them to someone who doesn’t plan on being around for long.” 

“But I’ve met the girls,” you pointed out, unable to keep the satisfied smirk from your face. 

He rolled his eyes, “Yeah, but you’re different.” 

“Why’s that?,” you chirped. 

“Because I actually like spending time with ya,” Joel responded, the truth of his words evident in the way he blushed and rubbed the back of his neck. 

A small giggle fell from your lips, forcing you to clamp a hand over your mouth to keep it in. Joel chuckled along, looking bashful as you tried to get it together. 

“What um… What about you darling? I bet you’ve got a whole line of fellas trying to take ya out on the town,” he ventured. 

It was like someone had dumped cold water over you, freezing all of your veins and numbing the tips of your fingers. The smile on your face vanished, along with the easy going vibe in the air. For a portion of a second, you had actually forgotten about the man you tried so hard not to name, the one that had yet to send the divorce papers that would close that chapter of your life for good. 

It was Joel you felt bad for. He had put in so much effort for someone that was unfortunately, still legally married. How were you supposed to tell Joel about Peter? Would he understand or would he be livid? Fear prickled your skin the longer you stayed silent, spreading goosebumps all throughout your body as you imagined the worse. Although it seemed unlikely that Joel would yell at you, calling you a slut before he abandoned you in the middle of nowhere, you didn’t trust him enough yet to completely discount the idea.   

“Um, no. I haven’t been on a date in a couple years actually,” you admitted, bypassing the complicated backstory in exchange for a simpler response. 

It wasn’t technically a lie, Peter hadn’t taken you out for anything even remotely resembling a date in years. To him, all of those work sponsored functions and snobby parties were the same thing, regardless of the fact that you hated them with a passion.

“Hm, well… I guess we’re in the same boat then baby,” Joel said kindly, pressing his side into your in a way that both soothed and excited you. 

“Mmm hmm.” 

A silence fell over the two of you, nothing but the sounds of the wind, the birds, and the water as you both returned to the feast. After the awkward question, neither one of you felt the overwhelming urge to fill the silence but every so often, an off handed question would come up about favorite foods or music, the hobbies you had as a kid, or a spirited debate about whether pineapple deserved a spot on pizza or not. It was perfectly uncomplicated, a good introduction to what you hoped would be the first of many dates. Too bad you had your own awkward question that you had been dying to ask. 

“Joel, can I ask you something?,” you ventured cautiously, not wanting to ruin the mood. 

“Course,” he answered around another humongous mouthful of food. 

“I um… I know that you don’t know anything about Ellie’s parents,” you began slowly, wincing as his eyes darkened, “But what about Sarah? She clearly had a mom at some point, unless you’re telling me that two babies got left at your jobsite within the span of a few months.” 

Joel looked away from you for a moment, sighing as he watched the flies dance along top of the river. He didn’t look angry, or particularly heart broken either, just unbelievably exhausted at the mere thought of having to speak about the mystery woman. You wondered why. Just one mention of her and the liveliness had drained from his eyes. 

“Sarah’s mom was my high school girlfriend, but we were on and off after we graduated,” Joel started, shaking his head as he continued, “It was all very dramatic and young. We were always trying to make it work, but it was pointless. Her and I were complete opposites.” 

“Okay,” you said slowly, “But what happened?”

“During one of our ‘on’ periods, I left to go do some shows in Houston. When I came back she was gone, but that was pretty usual for Marlene. She couldn’t stay still for long and to be completely honest with ya, I wasn’t much of a catch those days,” he sighed. 

You snored, “I highly doubt that Joel.” 

“It’s true,” Joel confessed, waving off your attempts at comforting him, “S’alright sweetheart, I’m a grown man now. I can admit that I was a piece of shit when I was nineteen, who isn’t? I was a mess, I drank too much, and all I really cared about was playing music. That’s not the type of guy you fall for.” 

You nodded, not entirely understanding his predicament but empathizing nonetheless. 

“Anyways, she left and I thought I was off the hook again…,” he huffed, rubbing his face as he added, “Even started seeing someone new and then nine months later, boom! Marlene shows up to the house with a baby - my baby - I damn near had a stroke.”

A beat passed and you didn’t move to fill the silence, giving Joel time to collect himself before he continued. 

“We got back together for a bit and it was okay. Sarah deserved stable parents, that’s what we decided early on, but then she was born early and things got even more complicated. I couldn’t even hold her for weeks and Marlene, she…,” Joel winced, trailing off as it became too much. 

“It’s okay Joel,” you whispered as you reached out and squeezed his harm. 

He gave you a sad smile and you nodded, wordlessly urging him to continue. 

“The fighting started again but this time it was so much worse. She kept pulling back and I just couldn’t understand why,” he shook his head, “I should’ve seen it coming, but I was too busy being scared. Then one day I came home and she was gone again. No note, not for me or for our little girl, nothing. I haven’t seen her since.” 

The bitterness laced into Joel’s tone was nothing you had heard before but you didn’t blame him. Abandoning him was one thing, but abandoning a sick infant without leaving so much as an explanation was something else altogether. You didn’t want to judge Marlene too harshly, knowing all too well how much different being a mother was and how many women failed miserably when they fell into the role by accident. But it was hard not to, especially with how good natured you knew her ex partner to be, or how thoughtful the daughter that she’d never know was. It might have been the right choice for her to leave, but that didn’t mean her decision was harmless. 

“I’m sorry Joel, that… Well, that fucking sucks,” you conceded, unable to think a more eloquent way of putting it. 

Joel tipped his head back and laughed, the sound of it bouncing off of the trees. His whole body shook, the boisterous cackling only getting worse each time he tried to speak. It was only after the third attempt that he stopped trying altogether and let himself fall apart, which earned a few awkward giggles from you too as he let himself lose it. 

“Jesus, I ain’t never had someone put it like that. That fucking sucks,” he repeated, cackling as he wiped the tears from his eyes, “People usually just apologize and change the subject. You’re something else baby, you know that right?” 

“What can I say? I aim to impress,” you tried, relaxing as the sadness in his eyes faded away.

Joel’s eyes dragged across you for a moment, the lazy smile on his face as his laughter petered off. Even though the sun was still high in the sky, it was him that brightened up every aspect of your day. You blinked when he laid against the blanket and patted his side, beckoning you to come join him. A moment passed where you just stared at him, debating whether or not he was joking until a challenging look from him made you slide down to his level. The noise you let out when Joel pulled you into his side, adjusting you so that your head was resting against your chest, was mortifying but he didn’t say a word. Instead you let him direct your attention upwards, to where the trees swayed and the golden rays peaked in through dense foliage. 

“Do I get to ask a personal question now?,” he asked after a while, drawing soothing circles on your back. 

“Go for it cowboy,” you mumbled, nuzzling his side as you let his proximity slowly draw you back into a terribly needed nap.  

“What happened before you came here? I don’t want to pry, but I figured that since we’re laying all of our cards on the table, now’s as good a time as any,” he suggested. 

That got your attention. Joel squeezed you a bit tighter when you tensed, using the effect he so clearly had on you to ease your worries. No matter how badly you wanted to pull away, to petulantly tell him off for asking before you fled from the forest like a wounded animal, you couldn’t. His hands were magic, brushing over every inch of strained muscle in your back before they were forced to relax. He was gentle in his attentions, unendingly soft for you as you tried to open a door for him, and you hugged him harder in thanks. When all the fear had drifted away, you sighed, realizing that he was right. You would have to tell him something about yourself at some point. 

“I found my husband of eight years fucking his research assistant in our bed but,” you sighed, pushing past the shame to admit, “Even before that, he had humiliated me for years. Then one day I woke up and I just couldn’t do it anymore, so I left. I bought the first place I could find and then hauled ass the second that the coast was clear.” 

“What a fucking asshole,” Joel spat, the rage he felt practically vibrating under his skin. 

There was some sick, twisted part of you that hoped Peter would have the balls to show his face in town. The thought of watching as Joel knocked him flat on his ass, just as he did to the last man that disrespected you, was embarrassingly attractive. It spoke to a darker, base instinct that screamed at you to climb the strongest, most caring protector like a tree. 

“Yeah well, I guess I got the last word anyways. He gets to try to save face with all of his snobby friends and I get my freedom,” you muttered as you tried to look on the bright side, “It’s not like I had much to leave behind anyways, I had no friends and the stuff in the apartment was his.” 

“Ten years is a long time,” he remarked as his hand rubbed lazy circles onto your back. 

Ten years was practically a lifetime, especially when you were locked in hell for the majority of it. That being said, you didn’t want Joel’s pity, or anyone else’s for that matter. Peter hadn’t hurt you physically, but he had chipped away at your confidence and made it so that you couldn’t perceive yourself without his approval. That sort of mind control took years to break and luckily, you had snapped out of it before you popped out one of his squalling babies. You took pride in that, in refusing to become the perfect little wife he wanted you to be. Peter had lost and despite the pain he had caused, you were stronger for it. 

“It is, but I’m,” you stopped, propping yourself so you could look him in the eye as you added, “I’m free now Joel. I left him with everything - the apartment, the cars, the money. Hell, I even left all of the jewelry he had bought me. Peter can take everything, just so long as he signs.” 

“Wait, he hasn’t signed the divorce papers yet?,” he asked, a line forming between his brows. 

A jolt of fear rushed through you at the concern in Joel’s voice. You hadn’t meant to say that, it just popped out. Unsure of what he was going to say, you nodded back to him, too scared to fully explain the situation. No matter what any legal system said, as far as you were concerned, Peter was not your husband anymore. He had betrayed you time and time again, breaking his vows to you for who knows how long. How could a man like that possibly be your spouse? 

“For fuck’s sake,” Joel sighed, his tone making you tense for a split second before he added, “At this point, it’s the least that the asshole can do. Want me to talk to him?

A surprised laugh spilled from your lips, pushing out all fears about the past being an issue in an instant. Joel cocked one of his eyebrows at you as you cackled, entirely serious about the ominous threat against your ex. 

“What? I’m serious honey. I could make it sign it,” he solemnly swore. 

“Oh I don’t doubt it Miller,” you granted him, smiling down at your ridiculous saviour, “But I’ve got it handled. Peter doesn’t scare me anymore, he’s just a miserable asshole.” 

“I’m sorry, you deserve better than that baby, so much better,” Joel said after a bit, eyes blazing with an intensity that made you ache. 

“I know that now,” you agreed, smiling at him despite everything, “Feel like running away yet Miller? I probably should have told you all of that before I agreed to this but saying that I’m a soon-to-be divorcee doesn’t exactly sound very sexy.”

“Nah, I don’t scare easy,” Joel chuckled and shook his head, “And divorcee? Please, I’m a single dad of two teenage girls. That ain’t nothin.” 

“We’re a good match then I guess,” you giggled, the weight of the world lifted from your chest with that simple assurance. 

Joel didn’t care about your past, nor did he get angry with you for not telling him about the divorce papers he had yet to sign. By all accounts that was a win and it deserved a celebration. You leaned back down, melting against him once more so that you could watch the trees sway. With a full belly and the weight of the world off your shoulders, you both relaxed a little easier. A layer of sweat soon formed between the two of you, the warmth of the day slowly becoming stifling. Neither of you moved, unwilling to break the contact that you both desperately needed despite the heat. The longer you laid together, the hotter it became, until an idea suddenly popped into your head. 

“We should go swimming,” you piped up, making him jolt as you sat up. 

“What? We can’t sweetheart, I don’t uh… I didn’t bring anything for us to wear,” Joel said slowly, the confusion clear on his face as you started taking off your shoes. 

You shrugged, “Pretty sure you’ve got a pair of underpants on that work just fine if you need them that bad.” 

Before Joel could answer, you stood up and tugged at the dress, letting it fall to the ground so you could step out of it. The panties you wore were red and satiny, with tiny strips of lace around the edges that scratched at your sensitive skin. They were certainly not the looser, more comfortable pair you had worn to the grocery store, and you thanked your past self for thinking ahead. Your breasts were bare, bra long since forgotten at home in order to make the bust of your dress work. A pinched groan came from behind you and you grinned, taking your sweet time as you turned towards him. Joel’s mouth fell open as he caught sight of your bare chest, his usual scowl quickly morphing into pure shock. 

“W-What are you doing baby? You don’t um - you don’t have on…,” he trailed off, his voice unusually high as you toyed with the edge of your panties. 

“I can’t wear a bra in the dress or the straps will show. Why? Do you want me to put it back on?,” you asked with a cheeky grin.  

The power you felt from watching Joel shake his head, floundering as your thumbs hooked into the lace edges, was addictive. His throat bobbed around an audible gulp and you could tell he was struggling to form words. Nobody had ever gazed upon you so reverently, so ravenously, and it filled you with pride. With him looking at you like you were a goddess, licking his lips as he scrutinized every inch of you, shame had no leg to stand on. His gaze made you feel sexy and confident, which was why you pushed all reservations aside and let the last bit of satiny fabric fall to the ground. 

“Sweet Jesus,” Joel whispered, his fists clenching and unclenching the blanket below him. 

“C’mon Miller, don’t act like you haven’t seen it all before. Now get up and let’s go swimming,” you urged him, giving him a wink as you turned and rushed towards the water, “Unless you’re chicken!” 

The cold water welcomed you, acting as the perfect balm to your overheated skin. All of the heat that had built up since that morning was leached from your body, bubbles bursting from your mouth as you sighed in relief from the bottom of the pool. You blinked up at the surface, allowing your feet to dig into the mud a second longer to enjoy the silence. A small part of you wanted to remain at the bottom, allowing yourself to enjoy the cold and the quiet, but you decided against it. Being yanked out of the water by Joel because he thought you were drowning didn’t exactly scream sexy. With that realization, you released the stale air in your lungs, pushing off the bottom and as you swam to the surface. 

Coming up felt like being reborn, with all of the sweat and the worries being washed clean from your sticky skin the second your head breached the surface. Given the heavy talk the two of you just had, you wanted nothing more than for Joel to experience it too. However, as you caught a glimpse of him still on the shore, his shirt and pants off but his hands hesitantly resting on the waistband of his boxers, you could see the reservations he had. 

“Are you gonna make me swim all by myself?,” you called out, smiling as he rolled his eyes at you. 

He sighed and shook his head, “I’m coming baby, I just uh… I don’t… Do you want me to…?”

The things that you would do to have Joel pull those thin boxer shorts down were unimaginable, not that you needed him to really. Even from where you were, the outline alone was impressive and if that didn’t make you want to start begging for it, the man himself was built like a Greek god. He was pure muscle, with even the softest parts of him blessed with an undeniable strength hiding underneath. A smattering of chest hair caught your attention, along with an equally enticing trail below his belly button that begged to be traced with your tongue. You shook your head, banishing all of the filthy thoughts about him that plagued you. If Joel was feeling uncomfortable, that needed to be addressed before your shameless lust. 

“Joel, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. Keep them on if it makes you more comfortable but just know,” you narrowed your eyes, shifting into a playful tone that caught his attention, “I can see him anyways, so it really doesn’t make a difference.” 

Joel’s mouth fell open, his gaze snapping downwards so he could see for himself. The redness on his ears crept down his neck, flooding his face as he realized how exposed he was. He moved to cup himself but then stopped, the gears in his head turning as he weighed his options. 

“Fuck it,” Joel muttered as he ripped the shorts clean off his legs. 

A pleased smile graced your lips as the grey fabric hit the ground, a dull ache starting between your thighs with Joel’s entire body on complete display. Immediately your sights zeroed in on his most intimate area. Even soft, Joel’s dick was impressive; long and thick, with a slight curve to it that you knew would rub against all the right places. The veins on the side of it were prominent, with a trimmed bush at the bottom that surprised you.  For some reason, you had envisioned him as an undiscovered forest type of guy but with some of the foliage cleared, the possibilities were endless. 

“Quit staring at it honey,” Joel chuckled, rubbing the back of his neck as you continued to blatantly stare at his cock. 

How were you supposed to do that when he was walking towards the water’s edge, his cock bouncing against his leg with every step? It was practically waving at you. 

“Hmmm, just making things even Miller. Pretty sure you stared at my tits for a full five minutes the first time we went,” you purred. 

“I’m just a man darling. Y’cant expect me to look away when I’ve got such a pretty little thing buck naked in front of me, not even trying to pick up her damn towel,” he shot back huskily. 

You didn’t answer, just let out a hum as your eyes pulled away from his crotch to take in Joel in his entirety. He looked like a painting of some sort, gloriously naked and surrounded by nothing but vibrant foliage, the sun beaming down on him in a way that made his skin glow. Although you had never been one for photography, you suddenly wished that you had a camera so that you could capture him in that moment - if anything just to show him how beautiful he was. 

“I can’t believe you’ve got me doing this shit. Too old to be skinny dipping,” he grumbled half heartedly, rubbing at the stubble along his jaw. 

“Oh come on, don’t be such a pussy Joel. Jump!,” you hollered, kicking your feet until water splashed the lower half of him. 

A pinched groan came from Joel, along with a downright theatrical eye roll, but it worked. He leapt forward, crashing into the water and sending a massive wave your way.  A wall of water slammed into your face, nearly pulling you under from the sheer force of it, but you just barely managed to keep your head up. That is, until a hand gripped your calf and dragged you under. 

A startled scream was lost under the surface, along with a half assed punch at the assailant who had already released you and swam away. You tried to go after him but the water slowed you down, forcing you to come up for air so that you didn’t drown. 

“What the hell? You scared the shit out of me, you asshole,” you cried out as you reached the surface, faltering when you caught his playful grin. 

“Aw sweet girl, did I scare ya?,” Joel cooed, drifting closer towards you so he could stand. 

You rolled your eyes, “Shut up.”

Joel laughed and so did you, eyes locked as you both floated closer together. He was like a magnet, drawing you in with his big brown eyes and the way they kept flicking down to your lips. The fact that he was naked was of little concern to you. All you could focus on was the shiver that went up your spine as he stepped further into your space. 

“C’mere,” Joel mumbled, beckoning you closer with an outstretched hand. 

There was no hesitation when you took it, just a happy little sigh as he held you up, allowing you to relax and stop treading water. Joel guided your hands to rest on his shoulders, allowing you to use him like a buoy as his frame held strong against the gentle current. He dropped his hands back into the water once you were secure, the only point of contact being you clutching his shoulders, although you could sense his restraint getting shakier by the second. All he needed was a push. 

Joel’s nostrils flared as you wrapped your legs around his waist, greedily anchoring yourself to the front of him. His cock pressed into your weeping slit and you gasped, feeling every inch of him against you. He grunted, twitching to life between your thighs as he tried to still your swaying hips. 

“Shit, I don’t think ya wanna do that darling. Ha - fuck - you’re gonna make me- ,” he cussed, gritting his teeth so hard that you felt the muscles jump under your palms as you cupped his face. 

“I think that it’s exactly what I wanna do cowboy,” you whispered, leaning in so you could press a line of kisses up the side of his neck, “Unless you want to make a move for once. So far, it’s just been me.”

It was like you had triggered an activation code in a sleeper agent. Joel’s entire demeanor shifted, the grip on your hips getting tighter as he dug his fingers into the fat. A tiny heartbeat warmed the space between your legs, forcing you to worry the skin along the underside of his jaw a bit harder to keep from moaning out loud. He hissed as your teeth dug into his skin, one of his hands coming up to dig into your hair and yank you backwards. You blinked at him, the feeling of his skin against yours making you dizzy. 

“Pretty girl,” Joel cooed.  

The way he brushed his nose against yours, his lips inches from yours, cracked your rib cage wide open. Your heart was bare, throbbing in the open air alongside your desperate cunt. With all higher thinking turned off, you leaned even closer, trying to chase Joel’s lips as they eluded you. 

“M’gonna kiss ya now baby, s’that alright?,” he breathed, his eyes never once leaving yours. 

A shaky nod was the best you could do as your entire being thrummed with desire, every piece of you begging for him to do something, anything that might help with the fire raging deep inside of your belly. 

Joel chuckled, “Words darling, need to hear ya say it.” 

“Kiss me Joel,” you sighed, eyes already fluttering to a close as he leaned in. 

The second your eyes closed, Joel’s lips were on yours, soft and sweet despite the urgency you knew was hiding underneath. A strangled groan rumbled in his chest as you tugged on his hair, his hips jumping up into yours. He was gentle at first, almost like he was testing the waters before he allowed himself to let go, but you wouldn’t have it. A shudder went through him as you nipped at his bottom lip, silently asking for entry that he happily accepted. The second that you first tasted each other, the pace quickened, with both of your tongues battling it out for dominance as hands began to wander over exposed flesh. His free hand left your hair, running down the side of your neck, across your clavicle, before drifting down to cup one of your breasts. 

“Joel,” you gasped, breaking away as his thumb played with your hardened nipple. 

“So sensitive,” he murmured against your neck, brushing his lips down the side of it before he found the perfect spot to bite down on. 

The sting forced a broken and desperate wail from you, making Joel’s cock jump as you wiggled against him. He grunted as you squirmed, your movements causing him to slide between your folds just right. The underside of his dick pushed through the wetness there, gliding up until the tip nudged your clit. Another pathetic sound spilled from your lips, breaking through the last bit of his patience one and for all. His hands traveled down and gripped your asscheeks, starting a filthy grind that had you keening into his ear in seconds. 

“O-oh my fuck, yes,” you whimpered, mind spinning as his stubble chafed the raw skin along the side of your neck and his tip teased your throbbing clit. 

“Yeah? Is that the spot baby? Fuck, I can feel her trying to suck me in shi-it,” Joel groaned as he ground his hips into yours ever harder, making sure that the tip of his cock passed over your drenched entrance with every stroke.  

“Please, please, please,” you begged, desperate tears forming in the corners of your eyes. 

“Such a needy little thing, aren’t ya honey?,” he drawled, his words turning you into putty. 

The devilish grin Joel gave you had the tears spilling over instantly, yet another shamelessly obscene noise echoing throughout the trees in lieu of a response. The grip on your ass tightened, the sting only adding to the pleasure building in your gut. You hoped that his fingers would leave thick bruises for you to admire later, proof that you hadn’t dreamt the steamy encounter. But before you could dwell on that for too long, a particularly brutal bite to your breast made you cry out, his tongue running over the indents in a way that made you buck in his hold. 

“Asked ya a question baby,” Joel reminded you, his tongue laving over the angry indents that his teeth had left behind. 

“Yes!,” you practically shouted, eyes rolling in their sockets as his cock continued to rub against your swollen clit, “Needy - mmmmm, fuck - I need it, need you.” 

He chuckled darkly, all of the usual kindness in his eyes gone as he murmured, “I know you are sweetheart, but I wanna see you cum just like this. Such a good girl grinding up against me like this, so damn perfect f’me baby. C’mon, work for my cock.” 

Your jaw dropped, a shock running through your body in response to his words. Joel was always so soft and sweet with you, a gentle giant that looked after you at every turn. And yet, the filth that came out of him was like nothing you had ever heard. Whimpering his name, you tore at the curls around the base of his neck, crying out as you tried your best to match his teasing thrusts. 

Joel grunted when you smashed your lips against his, trying to muffle some of the lewd praises he was drawing out of you. The kiss was nothing more than a mix of tongues and teeth as the fire in your belly burned brighter and brighter, your pussy oozing slick that only added to his shameless grinding. A strangled cry was swallowed by Joel as he picked up the pace, beginning to rut against you like an animal. He was so close to the place you really wanted him. One little slip and he would be pushing inside, forcing you to stretch around him so that he could bottom out all in one go. 

The rest of the world fell away, all you could focus on was Joel’s cock in between your folds. You wanted him to slip inside, to numb your mind with his girthy cock, to slam into you like a madman until you started speaking in tongues, but he had other ideas. Instead of tearing you apart like you wanted, he continued to tease, building the both of you up without ever once pressing into your entrance. What made it worse was that you knew he wanted to, you felt it in the way his cock jumped with every glide, angrily begging him to let go of all his reservations and fuck the shit out of you. But for whatever reason, he wouldn’t take that final step. 

“C-Cock, I want, I need - shit - Need your cock please! F-Fuck, please fuck me Joel. I need it, need you inside,” you stammered as you pulled away from the kiss. 

Joel’s hand reached up to grasp the hands at the base of your skull, wrenching your head back so hard that you hissed. He smiled as he felt you wiggle against him, pussy throbbing from the sting. 

“You’ve already got it baby,” he pointed out, brows pinching together as you whined at him in response. 

“No, no, no, no,” you sobbed, all higher thinking gone in the wind, “Inside pleeeease, f-fuck.” 

Joel’s hand wrenched your head even further backwards, drawing a heartbreaking wail from you. The blurriness in your eyes dissipated as you blinked away tears and suddenly, he was all you could see. He looked absolutely wrecked with the highs of his cheekbones reddened, his lips swollen, and his eyes heavy on yours. 

“Listen to me,” Joel commanded, his clipped tone breaking through the fog in your brain instantly, “I ain’t gonna fuck ya out in the woods like you’re some kind of hook up. You deserve better than that baby, do you understand me?” 

Fresh tears dotted your waterline but you blinked them away, needing to see the awe inspiring devotion that was embedded in every inch of Joel’s face. All of the air in your lungs wooshed out of you, the excited little flip that your tummy gave only adding to the urgency building up inside of you. His nose bumped against yours again, the gentle kiss he gave you in sharp contrast to the depraved way his hips rutted against yours underneath the surface of the water. 

“Do. You. Under. Stand. Me?,” he grunted, driving his point home with five mind breaking strokes. 

“Y-Yes Joel,” you whimpered, quick to answer so that you didn’t get another set of teeth marks dug into your other breast, “I-I understand - fuck, please just let me cum. I wanna cum baby, please. I can’t - shit!” 

“Good fucking girl, of course you can cum. Want to feel her gush baby,” he ordered, a shit eating grin on his face as leaned in and sank his teeth into the sensitive patch of skin beneath your jaw. 

A garbled shout broke free, echoing in the open air and undoubtedly scaring off any birds within a thirty mile radius. The pain of the bite sent sparks of pain/pleasure dancing down your spine, igniting the powder keg that had you shaking against him as the pressure in your abdomen exploded. One particularly sharp thrust and you were flying, crying out for Joel as your pussy clenched around nothing. He groaned but kept up his pace, pistoning away as you lost your vision and dissolved into a puddle of pleasure induced tears. 

“That’s it, such a good girl for me, so pretty and sweet. Aw, that poor pussy needed that didn’t she? I bet she’s been crying for me,” Joel cooed, starting to pant as his own release neared. 

His cock twitched hard, knocking him off of his rhythm for a few strokes as he continued to wring as much pleasure from your still spasming core as he could. He was struggling to hold on, selflessly keeping his own release at bay to see yours through, but you were too greedy to wait. Before the last bit of your orgasm had petered off you were gripping his hair again, tilting his head so that you could tease him with a line of open mouthed kisses and sharp nips to his neck. Joel wheezed, muttering angry sounding compliments under his breath as he got even closer.  

“Mmmm, want you to cum Joel,” you whined, leaving him another love bite that would undoubtedly bruise, “Please? I’ve been so good for you and I wanna feel it. Don’t you want to cum for me baby?”

He groaned, “God fucking dammit baby, yes. M’gonna give it to ya, take it, take it, take it - fuuuuck.” 

Joel let out a muffled groan that sounded vaguely like your name as he exploded, his cum warming your folds momentarily before it was washed away beneath the water. He kept going for as long as he could, prolonging both of your releases until it became too much for him. When his hips finally slowed to a halt , you sighed, reveling in the feeling of his warm breath washing over your face. As you came down from your high, Joel’s lips found every angry bruise he had left on your neck and chest, brushing over them with a quiet reverence that was hard to pass off as casual. The attention to the marks he had made was gentle, with each kiss like a wordless thanks and a promise of more to come. 

You let out a contented sigh, wrapping your arms around Joel’s neck and burrowing your face into the crook of his neck so that you could breathe him in. It wasn’t fair how good he always smelled, so clean and spicy, with just a hint of something natural that was all him. It was enough to make you dizzy. You were so entirely addicted to Joel that the feeling of him readjusting his hold on you made you whimper and wrap yourself around him like a python, terrified that he might let go. He had peeled back the steel wall you had built up around yourself, leaving you much too vulnerable to be left alone anytime soon. 

“Shhh, none of that honey. I’m just getting ya out of the water before you freeze to death. Relax, I ain’t gonna ya let go,” he assured you, his mustache tickling the shell of your ear as he started towards the shore. 

“M’too heavy,” you mumbled sleepily.   

Not that your protest mattered. With how hard you had just came, your legs were pretty much just for show. You didn’t even want to think of how pathetic any attempt at walking would be. 

Joel snorted, “And yet here I am, carrying ya just fine baby. Just let me take care of ya for a sec, then you can go back to being tough m’kay?” 

“Fine,” you sighed, much too tired to argue with him. 

All of the fight in you had drifted away, soothed by the feeling of Joel’s cock sliding against you until you burst. With a full belly, a temporarily satisfied pussy, and only a few hours of sleep under your belt, you slumped into him, sighing as your body relaxed fully for the first time in weeks. He let you do it, pressing a small kiss to the side of your head as you allowed his rhythmic movements to lull you into a state somewhere between awake and asleep. You barely noticed when he pulled you both from the water, only coming to when a smattering of kisses was suddenly being laid all over your face. 

“Mmm?,” you hummed, blinking up at him with a lazy smile on your face. 

The blanket was beneath you, the soft fabric protecting you from the dry dirt below. Joel’s body was draped over yours, the warmth of it scaring away the chill that threatened to take hold with each gust of wind. You clung to him, caressing his toned arms before smoothing them down the contours of his back. His muscles flexed underneath your palms, tensing and untensing as he dropped down onto his elbows to get a little closer. 

“God, you’re so fucking beautiful,” he mused, eyes bright as he cupped the side of your face. 

You nuzzled his palm, pressing a kiss to it that softened all of Joel’s features. He melted under the simple action, his brows pinched together as he leaned down to capture your lips in a kiss. It was different from the kisses the two of you had shared just moments before, more tender and affectionate, but no less incredible. There was no urgency to it anymore, just the tender need to explore each other as the afternoon began to fade into evening. At one point Joel tried to pull away to say something but you swiftly drew him back in, smiling into it like a lovestruck teen. Nevertheless, it was you that eventually pulled away, utterly heartbroken that you had to take time to breathe. 

“Joel,” you sighed.

What you felt was big, but you were unsure how to articulate it without scaring him away. 

“I know darling, I know,” Joel answered quietly as his big hands worshiped every inch of bare skin exposed. 

The air between the two of you was electric, forcing you together like magnets. His weight overtop of you was heavy but you didn’t mind. It grounded you, he grounded you in a way that nobody ever had. Joel didn’t push you to be anything except yourself, nor did he hold back his own yearning for the sake of some sort of tough guy act. Why would he? He wasn’t insecure in his masculinity, his strength was clear in everything he did, along with his kindness. 

The two of you stayed like that for some time, melded together as the dampness on your bodies slowly evaporated. You wanted to remain in the woods with Joel forever, using him like a weighted blanket as his lips continued to map out every inch of your skin. Nevertheless, as the sun began to tease the tops of the trees, signaling its intentions to set for the night, it became painstakingly clear that your time with him was running out. 

Joel helped you up when it was time to go, handing you the rumpled dress with a sheepish look on his face. You rolled your eyes and took it from him, amused at how easily it was to make him squirm. Not that you were any different, as you soon found yourself sneaking peeks while he pulled his own clothes back on. He moved to pack up the bag after that, making sure to take all the garbage before closing it up, but you had bigger fish to fry. 

The panties you had worn were gone, the red fabric seemingly nowhere to be found despite the fact that you knew exactly where you had dropped them. You surveyed the area, looking in the bushes, in the reeds, in the hibiscus plants that grew near the edge of the swimming hole, but nothing came of it. With a frustrated sigh, you threw your hands up in the air and cursed, convinced that they had somehow been blown into the rushing waters. 

“What’s wrong baby?,” Joel called out, slinging the bag over his shoulder as you turned towards him. 

“I can’t find my stupid panties anywhere,” you sighed. 

“Oh um,” he blushed, reaching into his back pocket to produce the tiny red panties you had worn with him in mind, “Here ya go, sorry ‘bout that.” 

You balked, eyes bulging from their sockets as you saw Joel’s hand holding out the dainty fabric. There was only one reason he would have taken them for and the thought of it made you weak, especially when you remembered that you already had a pair left hanging to dry in his bathroom from the night before. You imagined him sprawled out on his bed after you left, lazily tugging on his cock with one hand while the other shoved your used panties into his face. It was an absolutely depraved thought and you were suddenly compelled to make it a reality. 

“No, keep them for now. Just give me my other pair back so I can wash them. That way you can get them all nice and dirty for me again,” you replied, leaving him with a wink before slinking towards the trail. 

“Gonna give me a damn heart attack baby,” you heard him say under his breath, followed by a curse and a set of heavy footsteps stumbling after you. 

Joel caught up to you easily, remaining close so that he could try to hold back as many branches as he could. The walk back was easier than the way in, with the two of you maneuvering around the overgrown parts with more ease than before. It was crazy how much one orgasm could change things, as the two of you practically floated back to the truck with sluggish limbs and happy smiles. He kissed you again after he helped you into the truck, leaving you breathless before he carefully shut the passenger’s side door and raced over to the driver’s seat. 

The second Joel was in the truck, you slid across the bench again, greedily melding yourself against his side. He lifted his arm, a blissed out look on his face as he nuzzled the top of your head and veered back onto the dirt road. With the dying sun in the rearview mirror, along with a sappy old love song crackling through the ancient radio, you felt balanced. As you listened to Joel mumble along, you closed your eyes, allowing his soft voice to lead you into a dreamless sleep. 

- Joel -

Joel wasn’t sure what to do. There you were, curled into his side like a kitten as you slept and yet, he knew that couldn’t stay parked in your driveway all night. He had work the next morning and so did you, plus he had two kids that he had to make sure were safe in their beds for the night. But how could Joel wake you? How could he watch you walk into your own home, leaving him behind on the porch as you had the previous night? He couldn’t but he had to, so he sighed and softly shook your shoulders. 

“Time to wake up sweetheart, we’re home,” he said softly, chuckling at the noise of protest you let out as you roused. 

The way you looked up at him, rubbing the sleep from your eyes with a cute little frown on your face, would have knocked Joel over if he had been standing. An indecent proposal was on the tip of his lips, threatening to tumble out and ruin everything, but he kept it in. Just because you had been gracious enough to let him see and touch you, like a goddess granting her humble servant a glimpse at her divine nature for pleasing her, didn’t mean that you wanted him dragging you into his bed. He needed to be realistic, it was a Sunday and you were likely just as exhausted as him. 

“Mmm, I don’t want you to go,” you mumbled, voice muffled as you squeezed him tight. 

Joel chuckled, “And I don’t wanna leave ya honey, but we’ve both got work in the morning.” 

A petulant sight came from you as you sat up, regarding him with a wary eyes. 

“So why don’t you stay?,” you proposed. 

He blinked, surprised that it had been you and not him that had broken first. 

“Well I uh -” 

“Shit, forget it. I didn’t mean to put you on the spot Joel, I just haven’t been sleeping well lately and I thought that maybe if you - mmfph.” 

Joel cut you off, crashing his mouth into yours to halt your nervous babbling. Of course he wanted to stay the night with you. The thought of wrapping himself around you, of gluing himself to you as you both dreamt, was too good to pass up but he had other responsibilities. However, that didn’t mean that a compromise couldn’t be made. He pulled away once he felt you relax a bit, chuckling as your lips tried to chase his. 

“Stay at my house tonight instead,” Joel said, the question more of a statement than anything else. 

You scoffed, “What’s wrong with mine?” 

“Nothing baby, but I’ve gotta make sure the girls are in. They’re pretty self sufficient these days but they’re still kids, can’t just let ‘em roam the streets ya know?,” he joked. 

Although the sneaking out hadn’t started yet, with how often Ellie disappeared to go hang out with her girlfriend, or how social Sarah was, Joel knew that the day was coming. It was a natural phenomenon, something every kid did when they were learning to stand apart from their parents but until that day, he would continue with the nightly bed checks he had been doing since they were babies. 

“Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to intrude if you’ve gotta get them ready for bed or something,” you said. 

“Honey, they’re both fourteen years old. I’m pretty sure they can figure out how to tuck themselves in these days, I just gotta make sure they’re home safe. I won’t um,” Joel stopped, cheeks turning blotchy and red as he added, “I won’t be able to sleep if I don’t check on ‘em.” 

“Joel Miller, the big softie,” you teased affectionately, nodding at him as you fumbled for the door, “C’mon then handsome, take me home. I’m fucking exhausted.” 

Joel smiled and hopped out of the truck, deciding to leave the rest of the picnic stuff in the truck for the night. He helped you out, grabbing your hand as he led you towards the door. Too excited to take the length of his legs into account, Joel dragged you across the street, pulse quickening as he caught the dopey look on your face as you stumbled along. He ushered you into the house, thankful that the girls were nowhere to be seen so far. The last thing he needed was for them to point out all of the hickeys he had mindlessly left over your neck and chest, or the ones you had so kindly bestowed upon him. 

“I feel like we’re teens sneaking in after curfew,” you whispered as the two of you quietly climbed the stairs, careful not to wake the girls. 

“Better be quiet then, wouldn’t want ya to get grounded,” Joel teased, chuckling at your muted groan over his corny joke. 

“Ridiculous,” you mumbled, though you never once moved to let go of his hand. 

Somehow Joel managed to get you into his room without alerting either of his nosy teens, which he thanked every single higher being for. After shutting the door, he led you to the bathroom first, giving you a spare toothbrush and a quick kiss on the cheek before he left to get you something comfy to wear for bed. He settled on one of his softer T-shirts and a pair of boxers he had gotten as a gag gift, the flaming on the hearts on them much too bold for him to ever wear himself. 

Joel left the change of clothes on the bed, his steps lively as he slipped back out into the hall. He checked on Sarah first, knowing that she was the most likely of the two to be asleep before eleven p.m. A curled up ball stuck out from under her sheets, with nothing but her silk bonnet peeking out as she mumbled in her sleep. He smiled, carefully easing her door shut before he tiptoed down the hall to check on his other daughter. 

The television in Ellie’s room was still on, playing one of the many science fiction series she was addicted to at a volume that was, quite frankly, disturbing. Meanwhile the kid herself was gone to the world, conked out with her face buried into her pillow. Joel chuckled and eased himself into the room, finding her remote so that he could shut off the horrendous alien induced violence that Ellie was so blissfully snoozing to. He left the remote on top of her television, giving her one last look before he shut the door and ventured down the hall. 

With both the girls accounted for, Joel’s thoughts shifted back to you. His heart fluttered as he headed towards his room, a giddiness taking hold that shocked him. You made him so delightfully stupid, so blindly enraptured that he was surprised the two of you had gotten anything done that day at all. Still, nothing could have prepared him with the sight of you when Joel walked in. You were wearing his shirt, laying in his bed as you turned over to greet him with a sleepy smile. He almost fell to his knees. 

“Took ya long enough,” you croaked, eyelids already fluttering as you graciously fought against sleep for him. 

“M’sorry honey, I just -”

“Shhh, nothing to be sorry for. Just come to bed baby, I miss you,” you yawned, gesturing to the empty space beside you. 

Joel swallowed hard, the term of endearment not lost on him as he allowed himself to be pulled in by something inside of him that screamed at him to make you his. Baby. You had called him baby again. If that wasn’t enough to get him to join you, nothing was. He ditched his shirt and pants without another word, sliding into the cool sheets with a small groan as all of the strain of the day melted away. 

Joel didn’t waste any time after he slipped into the sheets and scooched over to your side, pressing himself into you. You reached back after a moment, grabbing his arm so you could wrap it around yourself. He grinned and snuggled a bit closer, allowing himself to hold you in his arms like he wanted to, like you were already his. 

“Good night Joel,” you mumbled, pressing a sweet kiss on his arm before you laid your head back against the pillow. 

“G’night darling, sleep well,” he sighed, answering your kiss with a peck on the shoulder. 

Not that you heard him, you were already fast asleep before Joel had even finished talking. He smiled, sighing as he trapped you against him. It had been some time since he had a woman sleep in his bed. Most of his hook ups since the girls were born had been quick and dirty meetups outside of the home, each of them leaving the other side of his bed cold for yet another night, but you were different. 

If Joel had it his way, you would be a permanent fixture in his bedroom, sharing warmth and synchronizing your breaths to his as the night passed. He imagined what the mornings might be like; if you would be an early riser like him or if he would have to come find you after his morning coffee. Would you giggle as he laid sweet kisses all over your face, greeting him with one of the most precious smiles he had ever seen? Or would you groan and bury your head under the pillow, grumbling curses until he brought your attention to the ridiculously sugary coffee he had placed on your bedside table? Your bedside table.  

Joel groaned, trying not to get ahead of himself despite the excitement that threatened to take hold of the more rational parts of his mind, but it was nearly impossible. He had been alone, in one way another, for the past thirty four years. Of course he had his girls, he had Tommy, but it wasn’t the same. With them he had to be strong - a father, an older brother - someone who they could depend on to carry all of their burdens. They couldn’t fill that secret part of him that longed to be soft, to be broken from time to time without judgement, to hold and be held like he was the fragile one when he needed it. 

With you, Joel saw the first opportunity for someone to actually know him in that way. Which was why as the night went on, he found himself wide awake, too excited to let himself fall into the peaceful sleep he ached to join you in. Nevertheless as he watched the sun begin to peak through the trees in the backyard, signaling the new day to come, he allowed himself to truly enjoy the last few seconds before the alarm clock would go off, already dreading the thought of letting you go. 

[mykoreanlove]

sleepy 💤

I got inspired to write a sequel to dating ban so special thanks to my brain and the lovely @hannahhbahng

Part 1 🖲️

Part 2 - enjoy :)

„I haven‘t seen you in forever – where the hell have you been Y/N?“

You took a sip of your mocha latte and thought of an answer. Your best friend looked at you worriedly, her green eyes full of concern. If it wasn’t her, you’d come up with a lie: work was killing you, you studied a lot, you visited your family or simply decided to take a social detox.

But since it was your best friend asking you decided to tell the truth. “I spent most of my time sleeping”, a smirk escaped your coral lips.

“Sleeping? Why are you sleeping so much? Oh my god, are you sick?” She took your hands into hers and scooched closer. Your best friend smelled like roses and nicotine – a scent that you grew up with. If it wasn’t her, you’d lie but why bother? Surely, she’d understand, no matter how ridiculous it sounded.

You took a deep breath before answering: “No, I am not sick. I’ve been sleeping a lot because”, you gathered your confidence to tell her the truth, “because that’s the only way I can still see him.” You looked at you lap silently.

Your friend’s bewildered eyes observed you cautiously. “See him? Him? Him as in Hyunjin?” You nodded your head, still facing your lap. “What do you mean you see him? Does he appear in your dreams?”

You smiled, thinking back of the first time it happened. It was a cold winter night in Seoul, the air was crisp and the heater in your apartment barely worked. You put on everything you had in your closet before you wrapped yourself in a thick, wool blanket. After Hyunjin broke things off you became a homebody, not really wanting to engage in life anymore.

Instead, you spent countless nights in front of your window looking at the moon, wondering if he was doing the same. You understood why he had to end it between you two but that didn’t soothe your pain, at all. You often fell asleep thinking about him, wishing it were his arms around you and his love illuminating the night instead of the moon.

One night it just happened. It was as he was sitting right next to you, holding you, talking to you. You saw his features so clearly – his black hair framed his beautiful face, his eyes turned into crescent moons when smiling and his plush lips turned into a smirk when he caught you gazing at him.

Ever since that night you tried to sleep as much as you could, just to be close to him. You knew it was a dream, but it felt so real, you felt as if he was right here with you and that was all you needed in that moment.

“So? What does he say in your dreams?”

You blushed. “Oh, sometimes he just says things, like, how much he misses me and stuff.”

When it happened the first time, he took the blanket off of you and embraced you in his strong arms. He smirked, looking at you dressed like the Michelin male. “Are there actually any clothes left in your closet?” You slapped his chest, pouting. “Okay, okay, I am sorry”, he laughed. “You better be. After all, it’s your fault you’re not here to keep me warm anymore.”

Even in your dreams you felt the sadness in both of your chests. “You are right, Y/N. And I’m so sorry. I miss you like crazy; you have to believe me. I started seeing your name everywhere, the guys are already fearing I’ve become mental.” He tightened his grip around you. “I know this sounds selfish, but I’m happy you haven’t moved on, yet.”

You looked at his face – his lips smiling happily but his sorrowful eyes giving him away. Before you could say anything, he placed his index finger on your lips, silencing you. “No please, let me go first. I know that this is my fault. I should have never dated you in the first place, Y/N. I never wanted to hurt you like that. I never wanted us to part like this. I am sorry but I-”

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Your eyes shot open, your whole body tense. It took you a couple of minutes to understand what had happened, to process all of this. And then you remembered – Hyunjin being there with you. You felt the loving warmth in your body, your chest expanding and smiling. You thought of him being with you, holding you, apologizing to you, still loving you.

And then it hit you – the sadness rolled over you like a vast tsunami. It was a dream, nothing but a stupid dream.

You started to cry, clenching the blanket wishing it was him. The pain was unbearable – why couldn’t he stay with you?

Weeks went by until you had the next dream – ironically, it was the night of your cousin’s wedding. It took all your determination to power-through that day, to be happy for her while you felt in shambles. And when you fell asleep that night, he visited you again. Hyunjin was dressed in a tuxedo, as if he had been wanting to accompany you to that wedding.

“I can’t wait until it’s our turn, love!”

He smiled at you brightly. You giggled while lacing your fingers together. “Yeah, you’re going to be a fantastic bride, Hwang.” Hyunjn faked a shocked expression, loving every minute of it though. “Listen, I mean it. Don’t you ever think about our future together?”

“No way, that’s too creepy!” Your friend interrupted you. You smirked once more: “Ya think?” She moved closer, basically sitting on your lap now. “I mean, I don’t get it. Didn’t you know that you were broken up in your dreams?” You sighed, heavily. “I guess, kind of? But do you know when you’re dreaming, like flying, you don’t even notice you’re dreaming, because it feels real? And when I saw Jinnie in my dreams, I don’t know it felt as if we’re together. As we should be.”

You paused with a heavy heart. “As we were.”

Your friend squeezed your hand. You tried to smile once more asking her if she wanted to hear the rest. “Sure, but let me order some real drinks first. I feel like I’m gonna need those.”

She came back with a tray full of tequila. “Bottoms up. We need these, trust me.” The alcohol burned your throat, but you kind of liked it. You gathered your thoughts: “So, where was I?”

“I mean, I think of our future all the fucking time. Like, when this whole idol thing is over, I want to get married. To you Y/N!” He practically beamed at you with love. You believed that he loved you but marriage? As if he could read your thoughts, he started to explain himself. Hyunjin took your hands into his and drew small circles on them while declaring his love for you.

“Y/N, you know how little girls dream about their wedding? Well, I guess I did the same, just as the little boy-version, I guess. I always fantasized about being married to the woman of my dreams. I even built a small vision board, silly right?”

Your eyes widened in surprise. “What was on that board?” He was glowing, eyes turning into half moons again.

“Well, I put a lot of things on it, actually. I wanted her to be beautiful and cute, of course. I wanted to parade her through town and show off, because my girl was the prettiest in the whole wide world. I also wanted her to be charming and funny – even as a small boy I knew that life could get hard, and you needed some giggles. Furthermore, I wanted her to be smart and expressive. That makes totally sense, right? Like I love to draw, and I want her to have a passion of her own. I also wanted her to be compassionate and kind. I guess I wanted to date my best friend.”

You were in awe of him – even at such a young age he knew exactly what he wanted. “And as for the relationship, or marriage I should say, I wanted us to feel happy and loved. I wanted it to be fun yet peaceful. The feeling you get when you come home.” He squeezed your hands tightly. “That is the feeling I have when I’m with you. You exceeded my every expectation Y/N and that’s why I want to marry you.”

Your friend started heavily sobbing, the tequila probably adding to that. “You alright?”, you asked worried. “Am I alright? What do you mean am I alright? Are you alright? I can't believe this!” Her cries and screams got the attention of the other guests, so you tried to calm her down quickly.

“Y/N, this breaks my heart. You two belong together. Hyunjin can't even let you go in your fucking dreams! Are all of your dreams emotional like that?”

In fact, they were not. Sometimes, when you got really lucky, you dreamed of him being intimate with you. You shuddered just remembering this, but he always had that effect on you. Hyunjin loved to tower over you, taking advantage of his height. He grabbed you by the chin, tenderly, while looking into your eyes with the most intense gaze.

“Baby girl”, his lips touching yours slightly, “do you know what I’d love to do to you, right now?” His hands roamed your body, squeezing all of his favorite parts before breathing into your ear seductively: “I want to pin you down on this mattress and make love to you all night long. I’m gonna make you cum over and over until you can’t scream my name anymore. And when we’re done, I’m gonna hold you in my arms and praise you. I’ll tell you what a good girl you were for me while kissing your bruises. Will you let me do that to you, baby girl?”

You poured that shot of tequila in one go. Your friend was right – you needed it. Bullshit, what you needed was Jinnie. Ever since you started dreaming of him that nagging voice in the back of your mind got louder.

“Do you think he’s dreaming of you, too? Or maybe he’s using some kind of dark magic to communicate with you?”

You laughed whole-heartedly, the first time in weeks. “Magic? What are you, nuts?” Your friend scoffed at you. “Listen you punk, haven’t you seen Harry Potter? Remember when Voldemort was writing to Harry in that ugly notebook? What if it’s something like that? What if Hyunjin got himself a notebook, probably one with flowers on it because he’s a sissy like that and writes to you from time to time. And when he does, he appears in your dreams!”

You got up from your seat and grabbed your coats: “I think we’ve had enough tequila and I think we need to go home. And sleep!” Both of you left the bar and got greeted with the chilly air of springtime Seoul.

“Y/N, I fucking mean it. What if-”  she looked up at the full moon, “-what if Hyunjin was talking to the moon right now? Hey moon, it’s your boy, Hyunjin from Stray Kids, and I need to tell you something!” You crackled up at your friend imitating Jinnie.

“Listen, moon, I see you are shining especially bright today, and I wish I could say the same about me. But I can’t. Because I made a big fucking mistake some months ago. I let go of the LomL, oh right, the moon doesn’t know that term, it’s love of my life, sorry moon, anyway and now I am miserable. I might turn ugly from sadness, is that possible? I miss her so fucking much. Do you miss her, too? You probably don’t because you still get to see her every night.”

Thankfully, you were so drunk that you forgot how painful all this felt for a short moment. You looked up at the moon and felt peaceful for once. “Hey moon”, you whispered, “you can tell him that I miss him, too. Send him my love, alright?”

You felt your friend lay her arm around your shoulder. “Let’s go home and sleep, shall we?”

[casdeans-pie]

Part 4 of Flustered Castiel Accidentally Explodes Lightbulbs And Causes Power Outages Especially When Dean's Fingers Are In His Hair

Part 1 , Part 2 , Part 3.

Happy birthday to me! This is my birthday gift to myself so it's deliciously self indulgent for the final part. I honestly could have just kept going with this forever, I adore flustered!Cas and his angel powers lmao

This part got so big I couldn't put the whole chapter in the tumblr post sorry!

Taglist: @dreampencil , @mymisfitsbabe , @fivefeetfangirl , @kerryweaverlesbian , @give-bucky-his-boyfriend-back , @mooshroomister , @castielsbloodynose , @the-great-pumpkin-67 , @casavanse , @homoangel - thanks all for your interest, hope you like the conclusion!!

-----Read on AO3-----

---------

If stubbornness was a sin, Dean knew he would be going straight to hell when he died. Again.

There were a million reasons that Dean could think of for why Cas had distanced himself (that buzzed around his brain like insistent bees whenever he lay down to sleep at night) but if they didn’t talk about them then none of them were real. The ache in his chest at Cas’s absence, familiar from when he used to leave them for stretches at a time, felt like it dug in deeper and deeper with every passing day – but he still just couldn’t bring himself to talk to him about it.

The biggest surprise became the slow realisation that the saying ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ wasn’t just some made up cliché bullshit that people said to each other, because seeing Cas, even briefly before he scurried away, made Dean’s heart sing like a lovesick teenage girl.

Sam only suffered through so much before he started using his Sad-Sam-Eyes whenever he saw them both, hoping they would finally sort out whatever was going on between them, but he didn’t mention it otherwise. Somehow that made it even worse. If Sam told them to talk to each other, at least that could have been a good excuse. But no.

Dean had to do something on his own.

He had to.

He’d started all of this by being a jerk about Cas’s powers, so it was time to dip into that Dean Winchester Courage, have a real conversation about all of this, and face losing his best friend – the Angel that he loved – head on.

------

Then they finally had a hunt together. Alone.

Dean’s bloody machete hung in a loose grip by his side as he kicked the toe of his boot at the decapitated body on the ground beside him. The head lay nearby.

“Think we finally got ‘em all,” Dean said with a grin. His clothes were covered in splashes of blood, and he could feel some drying on his cheek that he was itching to scratch off with his nail. “I love a good vamp nest clear-out, but if I’d have known there were gonna be this many, I would’ve brought Sam as extra back-up.” Dean didn’t want to mention that the reason he’d told Sam to stay behind in the first place was because he’d finally stopped being chickenshit scared about sorting this thing out with Cas. “Not that we didn’t handle it.” He gestured towards the headless bodies scattered around them with his machete.

Cas didn’t reply. He’d been quiet in the ride over and had kept his distance for the whole fight.

Okay. Time’s up. Time to do this. Dean took a deep breath through his nose and closed his eyes. “Cas, listen-”

“Dean!” Cas yelled, slamming into him just as the sound of a gunshot exploded nearby.

Dean went hurtling down as another gunshot rang out. He landed heavily – the floor winded him and disorientated him enough that he couldn’t get straight back up, and he shook his head rapidly to try to clear it.

There were sounds of Cas wrestling with the vampire nearby. Dean watched dazedly as the vampire snarled and bared his fangs as he threw a punch at Cas’s nose, and his fist connected with a thud. But that gave Cas the opportunity to wrench the gun out of the vampire’s weakened grasp, and he tossed it aside, making it skitter harmlessly across the floor into a dark corner of the warehouse.

Red bloomed through the top of Cas’s trench coat on his left shoulder.

“Cas!” Dean warned, finally scrambling to his feet just as the vampire grabbed Cas and threw him down with a hiss onto the dusty, blood-spattered floor.

The vampire loomed over him with an open mouth full of needle-sharp teeth just as Cas sat up with a grunt and threw up his hand with his palm out. Dean recognised the gesture, and he immediately braced himself for the blinding light of Cas’s angelic smitey powers, but only a faint sputtering glow emerged from his hand.

After a moment, where Cas stared at his hand in confusion, the vampire hissed and lunged.

He never got any further.

Dean’s machete swung in a clean shining arc through the vampire’s neck, and he collapsed in a heap like a puppet with cut strings. The spray of blood caught Cas, smattering his face and hair with even more crimson alongside what currently trickled out of his nose and soaked his shoulder.

Dean groaned in relief and threw the machete to the concrete floor with a clang. “Definitely the last one,” he declared with a deep breath. “Damn that got close for a second there. Come on, up you get.” Dean offered out a hand to help Cas, but he pushed himself up with a groan instead, pointedly not looking at the hand as if he hadn’t noticed it.

Dean tried to shrug it off again, just like he had all the other times that Cas refused to touch him recently, but he could feel the hurt burning in his throat and behind his eyes. He clenched his fist so tightly it almost hurt as he returned it to his side.

“You okay?” Dean asked instead with a frown, thinking of the gunshots, and noticing the blood stain on Cas’s shoulder increasing in size.

“Yes. The first bullet got me, but the second bullet missed. I think it went clean through. Didn’t hit anything vital.” Cas touched his shoulder and winced, then observed Dean – his blue eyes raking him up and down from head to foot. “What about you? Are you hurt?”

Dean shook his head, the mixture of hurt and concern and happiness at the closest attention he’d got from Cas in weeks making his words come out harsher than he intended when he snapped, “Nope. My bullet-proof friend pushed me out of the way, and then revealed that he’s not so bullet-proof today.”

Cas smiled ruefully. “Ah. Yes. Looks that way.” He dusted his trench coat off as best he could and lifted an arm to wipe his sleeve across his nose – though he only succeeded in smearing the dust and blood around. He closed his eyes and rubbed again.

Dean pushed down his confusing cocktail of emotions, like he always did, and forced on a smile. “You’re just making it worse, buddy. Why’s killing vamps always such a bloody job?” He reached over without thinking, while Cas was still rubbing at his nose. “Nose doesn’t look broken at least, but your shoulder’s probably gonna need stitches while you’re low on power like this.”

Dean’s fingers had barely even grazed the fabric on Cas’s shoulder before Cas flinched back violently.

The lights in the warehouse groaned and buzzed as they flickered and dimmed, and then just as quickly returned to normal.

Cas’s eyes were wide as he took another step back.

Dean felt all his confusion sharpen into a frustrated stab of white-hot anger. He gestured violently at the ceiling. “Okay. Y’know what. That’s it. Let’s talk. What the hell is going on with you, Cas? Why have you been avoiding me? What’s the deal with the lights?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t look like nothing.”

“Nothing you need to know about.”

“Nothing I- are you even hearing yourself right now? You’re really gonna admit to keeping secrets again after everything we’ve been through? And- hey, what’s up with your face? What are you doing?”

Cas had screwed his eyes together so tight that it pinched his whole expression. “Concentrating.”

“On what? This conversation that you’re trying not to be in?”

“On using my Grace to heal my shoulder and clean all of this off, but it’s not…” Cas gritted his teeth and opened his eyes. They glowed faintly. “It’s not working.”

Dean took a deep breath and scrubbed a hand through his hair. “Shit, Cas. You know you’re low on power right now, you really want to use up what little juice you got left before you get chance to recharge? The motel’s only twenty minutes away.” He scowled. “You can even sit in the back. Far away from me, like you want.”

Dean didn’t wait for a response, he turned, reached down for his abandoned machete, and stalked back to Baby.

By the time Cas finally got into the car – in the back – Dean had already texted Sam to tell him that the nest had been cleared out and they would be spending the night at the motel.

They’d be back at the bunker tomorrow, and then Cas could keep avoiding him like before. Or maybe he’d finally just admit that he wanted to leave… and he’d go. The thought made Dean clench the steering wheel with a grip that made his knuckles white.

He couldn’t imagine his life without Cas in it.

The ride to the motel was tense and silent except for Baby’s engine that Dean pushed harder than he should. (The twenty-minute ride only took them ten. Cas didn’t comment on it.)

As soon as they were through the door Dean toed off his shoes, flicked on all the lights, and went to wash his hands in the bathroom. He didn’t look back to see what Cas was doing. It was none of his business. If he didn’t want to talk about it, then what did he care. (He tried to tell himself, even as the ache in his chest pounded and felt cavernous.)

Dean splashed some water on his face and gripped the sides of the grubby sink. Water plinked pink from his chin into the chipped basin, as the vampire blood washed away down the plughole.

After a deep breath Dean grabbed a towel and rubbed it over his face, careful not to inhale at the same time – he’d learned a long time ago that it was best not to know what motel towels smelt like – and reached for the first aid kit he always left in the bathroom when they went on hunts.

Sufficiently calmed down, and feeling less like his heart was caught in the vice grip of a homicidal ghost, Dean turned and emerged back into the main room. He froze mid-step at what he saw: Cas had his head in his hands, perched on the edge of his bed, while the blood stains from his bullet wound were soaking through his coat down his arm. He hunched over with his elbows resting on his knees, and there seemed to be a particularly troubled tenseness to the set of his shoulders. Even more than usual. Despite their strained relationship recently, it cut Dean deeply to see him like that – so clearly suffering and so human.

Dean sat heavily onto his own bed opposite Cas. The old springs creaked loudly and protested at the sudden weight. “Alright. Coat off.”

Cas startled and snapped his head up. The lamp beside his bed flickered weakly. “What?”

Dean’s usual enthusiasm for the phenomenon of the flickering lights wasn’t his priority this time, and he pushed his curiosity aside. “Stitches,” Dean said simply, brandishing the first aid kit.

“I don’t need them,” Cas grumbled, looking away. “Once my Grace has recharged enough it will heal on its own.”

“Oh okay, so you’re just going to wait and see if your mojo recharges faster than you bleed? And you’re, what, expecting me to just sit here while we find out? Because I am not okay with that.”

“Yes.”

“Cas. Just let me put some damn stitches in your damn shoulder.”

“No.” The muscles in Cas’s jawline clenched.

Dean scowled as he ran a hand through his hair. It was sticky and matted with drying blood, but that was nothing new. “Let me put it this way. You either take off your coat and shirt willingly, or I will tackle you to that bed and remove them myself” – the lamp flickered again – “so help me God, don’t think that I won’t. Your choice.” Dean had his eyes locked on Cas’s narrowed ones. “I will not let you suffer when I can do something about it. Yeah, you might heal it up yourself in an hour or two, but I’m not going to sit here watching you bleeding and in pain, when I can help. Don’t ask me to.”

“Dean… This is just… It’s a bad idea.”

“A bad idea? To stop you from bleeding out? C’mon man, you’re always healing me up after hunts, let me repay the favor for once. Besides, you took the shot meant for me – it should be me sitting there with the bullet hole.”

Cas went suddenly pale, and his eyebrows drew together in a serious line. “If it were, I would use up whatever Grace I had left to heal you.”

Oh.

Dean blinked in surprise.

Huh. But Cas had been avoiding him so much lately... He’d assumed he didn’t care anymore. “Uh,” Dean faltered, “no, that wouldn’t be okay either. I wouldn’t want that. But maybe I should teach you some basic first aid now that your mojo gets patchy sometimes.” He shook his head. That would require them to be in the same room for more than five minutes. Stupid suggestion. “Look, if you’d want to heal me that badly if we were swapped over here, that’s what I want to do to you right now, get it?”

“I um. I think so.” The line between Cas’s eyebrows grew deeper. “It’s fine now anyway. It barely hurts,” he lied, gripping his shoulder tightly.

“Sure. Okay, Black Knight.”

Cas squinted.

“The Black Knight – ‘‘tis but a flesh wound’? Guess you didn’t get Monty Python in the pop-culture upload. We’ll add it to the list we-” But Dean remembered that they didn’t watch movies together anymore. “Doesn’t matter. Just take your damn coat off, you stubborn son of a bitch.”

That finally cracked a smile onto Cas’s pale face. His lips twitched and the corners of his eyes crinkled endearingly.

Dean felt a strong flare of affection at seeing Cas’s smile, after seeing him looking so defeated before, that it immediately softened all of Dean’s concern-masked-as-irritation and he found himself smiling back. He’d missed this. So damn much.

“I’ll patch you up,” Dean said gently, “then you get dibs on the first shower, since you’re the one covered in the most blood. Winchester tradition.”

“I don’t need-”

“Yeah, yeah, I know, you can just magic your mess away when your power’s back on, but you’re really just gonna sit here like that until then?”

Cas looked down at himself. “You have a point.”

“Always do. Looks like you’ll just have to enjoy shitty motel water pressure like the rest of us.” Dean wiggled his eyebrows. “And going first means you get the hottest water.”

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said.

“Then we can both go to sleep so you can recharge your batteries. You can sleep when you’re like this, right? But stitches first. After that there’ll be no touching involved,” Dean added, before he could stop himself. As much as he enjoyed talking to Cas again, it only served as a depressing reminder that they weren’t like this anymore. He gave a sad, weak little laugh, and even he could hear the pain in his voice when he said, “Y’don’t even have to look at me.”

Cas immediately slid off his bed with a rustle, and he was on his knees in front of Dean in the time it took for him to open his mouth to ask what was happening. His eyes shined wetly in the dingy motel room lighting as he gazed up intensely – vulnerable and raw – into Dean’s eyes. “Dean, no. This wasn’t supposed to hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you,” Cas said in a voice thick with emotion. “Doing this – distancing myself… It was supposed to make things better, but it… only made everything worse. I hate being apart from you. I hate it. This wasn’t- it’s not- it’s not your fault.” He spoke haltingly, like he was struggling. “It’s my fault. I’m sorry. I- I don’t know how to explain-”

They were closer than they had been in weeks, and yet Dean could still feel the distance. His heart sunk. “This is starting to feel a whole lot like the ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech, man.”

Cas scrunched his face up, and Dean knew he was trying to think of a way to say what he meant. He wondered if Angels weren’t very big talkers in their true forms. It was reminiscent of when they first met, and how Cas used to struggle with sarcasm and slang.

Cas already told him once that he’d only started to feel real, strong emotions (Dean called them his Real Boy Feelings) since rescuing him from Hell, so it made sense that he still struggled sometimes. And anyway, Dean had been human his whole life and it wasn’t like he was much better at the whole sharing your feelings crap.

Cas finally looked up through his lashes at him – his expression wary. “Hold out your hand, Dean.”

“What?”

“Hold out your hand, please. I can show you what’s been going on.”

---- Read the rest on AO3 ----

[redjademilktea]

Hello hello!! I don't usually write things for Doctor Who, but I've been having the world's worst writers block and for some reason the only thing my brain wanted to actually put out into the world was this silly idea I had about an alternative Fourteenth Doctor. For some reason, this silly little part-of-a-story (or, first chapter in a longer fic?) is the only thing that would unclog my brain and allow me to actually write. It worked, and I am able to continue diss writing again, but I figured I'd share what I wrote here just so this thing has a purpose other than unblocking my writers block haha.

For context: this is an alternate idea for the Fourteenth Doctor. What if, instead of reaching for the face of a previous incarnation, the Doctor at the moment of her regeneration in Power of the Doctor instead reached for a past companion? One whose loss the Doctor had not yet fully processed? Whose presence meant so much to them? What if, when the Doctor regenerated, she found herself with Clara's face, instead of Ten's?

This story is my excuse to imagine Jenna Coleman as the Doctor, because she was incredible in Flatline (and all throughout her time on the show)!! And I wanted to see more of that. So, Clara!Doctor it is!!

This story takes place right after The Power of the Doctor and Thirteen's regeneration on those rocks by the ocean. The story itself largely occurs in Monterey, California, USA in October, 1994. It's not complete, but I actually will probably finish this up, since it was so fun to write. What I have of the story below!!

----

"Blossomiest blossom." The Doctor took in a deep, labored breath. She felt it surging now, the burst of temporal, regenerative energy jolting through her core. "That's the only sad thing, I want to know what happens next."

How many more sunrises would she get to see? How many more planets would she set foot on, the endless stars dotting their skies, stretching out towards infinity. So much possibility, all of it rapidly fading as the orange pink of sunrise crested into the more tangible reality of day.

How many more traps were there to purposefully walk into? And to barely escape from by the skin of her teeth and a face full of mattress (she still hand't thanked the TARDIS properly for that, for another lifetime, she supposed)? How many more beaches, endless waves and cool ocean rocks skipping along the rolling waters? How many more stones cast, hoping, wishing, begging that it could go on forever?

How many more places and timezones would she flee to, skip by, before the stones, the wishes ran out? How many more faces, how many more life times, until it all catches up to her? The angry, vengeful tide of time lost crashing over her like a ravenous tsunami? How many more scoops of ice cream would she muster up, before-

Well, no time for that now. That's up to the next one.

"Right then, Doctor-whoever-I'm-about-to-be," she smiled, the gentle warmth of the steady sunrise blending with the growing fire of change within her. "Tag, you're it."

----

She blinked. "She" was still the right way to describe who was doing the blinking, right? It felt correct. About the only thing that felt certain right now. That and the crashing waves. Why were there waves?

She looked down, tattered grey coat flapping in the cool breeze, enough to put out the remaining embers. She wobbled slightly as she attempted to ground herself.

Speaking of the ground, it was definitely closer now. About three inches closer. No. That wasn't right. She wasn't hunching like normal. Is that normal now? How was her posture? She should check now that she's- Wait, no, focus! Focus! What was she doing? That's right the ground. It was four inches closer, not three. Silly, silly...

An ominous clang from about twenty feet behind her. That was odd. That sounded incredibly familiar. Not a good familiar. The thought excited her. Oh, excited? Do ominous noises excite her now? She supposed they always did, to a degree, but something about the possibility here, the unknown, made the hair on her neck stand. Oh, she had a neck! More good news. What other body parts were-

Another clang, louder, more demanding. As if the sound was deliberately calling to her. She turned around, her hazy vision clarifying on the visage of a blue box. Box. Ship. Home. ...TARDIS!

Oh. The TARDIS, with scorch marks crisscrossing the front paneling. That must have been- She really needed to be more careful of where she chose to do this sort of thing.

She rushed towards the door, fumbling for where she left... The door openy thing. The metal jangly thing that let her inside places. Sonic! Wait no, that's not right. K-key! Yes her key. Where was-

The door clicked open as if pulling her inside. That certainly saved her rather valuable brains capacity to better orient herself. She ran towards it, the breeze blowing her hair back on the way in. Hair! Was it- No. Not ginger. She would know if it was ginger. That's not something one could miss. This hair felt... Well she didn't know what it felt like. It felt a little longer than last time, about shoulder length. It felt... well whatever it felt like, it didn't feel ginger. Maybe next go around.

Another clang rang out as she made her way towards the console. The dazzling array of vibrant and emphatically glowing buttons caused her already racing hearts-beat to skyrocket in anticipation. So many buttons. So many options. She should spend some time to figure out- Unless... she hand't pressed that one before. Who knows what that one did. She better check. It could very well solve whatever had the TARDIS acting up. At the very least she'll know that it wouldn't fix it. And knowledge gleaned was knowledge gleaned.

She reached for the blaring button, eyes glimmering with anticipation. The smirk was already firmly on her face before it registered in her mind. What next? She hit the button.

With a loud whirr and an even louder crash, she found herself on the floor, no mattress in sight to break her fall. Another crash sent her careening towards one of the glowing pillars surrounding the console. She may have to re-check her posture after that one. Reassess.

Another explosion and a screeching whirr and another toss and-

----

October 25th, 1994 - 3:32 PM

Monterey, CA, USA

Cass sighed. She hated working on Tuesdays. Granted, she hated working here on any given day, but Tuesdays were a particularly awful experience.

She looked around the diner, idly noting the older woman in the corner sitting with a coffee and her newspaper and the family of tourists seated towards the counter. For a brief moment, she considered checking in on either table before deciding against it. There were only so many times she could ask if they needed refills before it started affecting her tip.

Another exacerbated sigh. All the empty tables had been wiped down. The floor was spotless. All dishes and cups were cleaned and put away. All the décor dusted (a notable feat to be sure, the eccentric collection of 1950s themed paraphernalia seemed to always have some pore or crevice or corner that needed cleaning, the task was almost sisyphean in Cass's opinion).

She walked over to the photo of John Steinbeck hung over the jukebox in the corner, the tinny chiming of Buddy Holly and the Crickets growing louder as she approached. She leaned over to realign the portrait. Whether or not the portrait was askew before was unimportant, the goal of sating her boredom was accomplished. As she pulled back to admire her unnecessary handiwork, the door chimed.

"Grab a table wherever, I'll be with you in-" the familiar sight of Mae's denim jacket caught the corner of Cass's eye as she glanced over the photo. Perfectly straight. Like it had been before. She turned to face her friend more fully.

"Slow day huh," Mae said, nodding her head in the direction of the portrait.

"You could say that," Cass responded, smirking as she headed towards the counter. "You want the usual?"

"I could probably use it, got a long night of fish house keeping ahead of me I guess."

"At least it's not the otters."

"If it was the otters I'd at least have a cute reason for smelling like death."

"Fair," Cass laughed as she finished pouring the coffee into the mug. She slid it over to Mae, who had taken up her usual stool at the end of the counter. "Anything new going on?"

"Other than grad research and fish kicking my ass? Not much really," Mae answered, taking a small sip and blowing on the surface of the coffee in an effort to cool it.

"Gonna at least head out this weekend for the beach before the weather gets too bad?" Cass leaned onto the counter, giving Mae her full attention.

"I can't. Oh! I didn't tell you. I got new ink!" Mae shrugged off her loose jacket to reveal the sight of a wrapped tattoo on her upper arm. "So freaking cool, right?"

Cass looked over the tattoo, the wisping clouds of inky smoke surrounding the number 27. The font was striking, and the line work and artistry lent itself to the gothic imagery that Mae so readily embraced.

"Woah, this looks incredible," Cass moved closer. For a half second, she swore the smoke looked like it was drifting up. She blinked. The static image remained before her. Brushing the tinge of confusion aside, Cass looked back up at Mae. "Where'd you get it done?"

"This new place that opened up a few blocks down. Jaime told me about it."

At that, Cass raised an eyebrow. "I thought you were 'never talking to that asshole again'?"

"Look, he helped me after his shift was over and I was drowning in work. Can you blame me? Plus, I'm not not gonna notice a sick tattoo like this, regardless of what asshole it's attached to."

Cass sighed as she met Mae's eyes, the green of them assuaging her mild annoyance. "Mhmm. Just... be careful this time? Okay?"

"Hey, I learned my lesson. You don't have to worry," a smile lined with the warmth of affection grew on Mae's face. "Plus, I know you'll kick his ass if he does something stupid."

At that, Cass laughed more fully. "Sure. But you can't expect me to be there every time a guy needs his ass kicked. I have a life too."

"What? Admiring old Johnny back there keeping you occupied?"

"Hey, careful. He's got grapes of wrath headed your way if you keep talking shit."

"Oh? That's the kind of guy you're into huh?"

A slight sting. It really shouldn't still bother her. She knew what she was signing herself up for when she moved back. The familiar trappings of a well-worn closet. She was used to it. She could handle the gentle suffocation. She was used to it.

"Something like that." Cass pulled back, standing up a little straighter. "I'm always here if you need anything."

"I know," Mae responded, placing a gentle hand over Cass's. Cass found her cheeks flushing slightly. She pulled her hands away.

A loud crash and the frantic cling of the door chime caused both women to jolt upright. They were greeted by the sight of a woman, short, dark brown hair, flowing grey trench coat, all but falling over as she burst through the door.

"Sorry! Sorry." She made eye contact with Cass. Something about the intensity of her gaze threw Cass off balance. "I'm looking for..." the woman sighed, massaging her temples. "What was it?" she squeezed her eyes shut, as if struggling to keep focus. "Paper clips! Yes, do you happen to have 3 paper clips? About this big? Or a stapler. But no more than half full."

Cass blinked, the shock giving way to utter bewilderment. She looked to Mae, who wore a similarly confounded expression.

"Half full... of staples?" Cass managed to find her voice.

"That's it," the woman responded. Was that... British? "Actually, I take that back. The paper clips are probably more versatile. Unless you happen to have those smaller ones that you can carry around and open up. Not the bulky ones. Those will-"

The woman stopped suddenly, as she took in her surroundings. "Hang on," she looked around. Cass followed her line of sight as she scanned the diner. "Have I been here before?"

While Cass honestly had very little idea what was happening in the scene unfolding before her, she certainly knew the answer to that question.

"Definitely not," Cass said.

"Are you sure?" the woman responded, continuing her survey of the space around her. Her brow furrowed.

"I think I'd remember if a British lady with a scorched jacket stumbled into here before, yeah." Cass said, a bemused grin now firmly in place.

"British la- Oh that's right! Does it still suit me?"

"What?"

"Never mind. I'm sure it does. Your accent... American. With a bit of vocal fry. Californian? Not Southern Californian. Am I in California?"

"Wow," Mae blurted out, breaking her stunned silence. She turned back to Cass, matching her incredulous smile. "And... where did you think you were?"

"Last I remember, by the ocean," the woman whipped around, looking out the diner window. "And it looks like I still am. Different ocean though. Judging by the wave patterns at least."

"And that ocean was... here? On planet Earth?" Mae asked. Cass swatted at her non-tattooed arm. "What?"

"Don't make fun of her."

"I'm just curious!"

"The Atlantic if I'm remembering right," the woman continued on, seemingly unfazed. "Last few hours are a bit fuzzy," the woman responded, still firmly peering out the window at the beach.

"I bet they are," Mae said under her breath. "Ow, hey!"

Cass pulled back her hand from the follow-up swat. Then, to the woman, "Are... Are you alright? Can I get you anything? Call... some... one...?" Her voice trailed off, uncertain of what she was even supposed to do in a situation like this.

"What like a doctor?" Mae laughed.

At that, the woman turned around. "Why? Do you know one?" She quickly made her way back to the counter.

"No. At least not personally?" Mae responded, taken aback by the woman's sudden proximity.

"Oh. Shame. I feel like a doctor would be helpful right now, but I can't put a finger on why. Wait." The woman turned back abruptly, heading straight towards the portrait of John Steinbeck in the corner. "Oh, old Johnny. I haven't seen him since the whole thing with those angry grapes."

Mae and Cass exchanged looks. The woman stepped back slightly.

"If he's here then... Monterey? Cannery Row. And..." the woman walked over and yanked the newspaper out of the hands of the elderly person who was taking in the scene in stunned silence. "Ah! 1994." She placed the paper back into the older woman's hands. "I figured, with a coat like that," the woman nodded her head towards Mae.

"Wh-wait what is that supposed to mean?" Mae stuttered as Cass burst out with laughter. "Have you even looked at what you're weari-"

Suddenly, a loud whirlwind of noise emanated from outside. A cacophony of caws echoed through the air, almost filling Cass's lungs and knocking her over with their sheer volume. A scream from a man rang out as a blur of black feathers swarmed past the window.

"What was that?" Cass said, moving towards the window. The woman followed.

"Ravens," was her only response before she all but ran out the door. Cass looked at Mae and then out to the rest of the diner. Before she could even begin to second guess herself, she took off after the woman.

----

"Hey!" Cass shouted as she gasped for breath. This woman was incredibly quick. She seemed to change directions as fast as she changed trains of thought. "Wait! What are you-"

The woman turned her head as Cass caught up to her, but she didn't slow down. "Aren't you still on the job?" is all she responded with as she bolted towards the source of the sound.

A large flock of ravens circled the late afternoon sky. Further down the road by the pier, a man stood, seemingly at the center of the confluence of feathers and caws. The man screamed again. As Cass and the woman closed in, she could make out the terrified look that locked itself onto the man's face. He stood in the plaza at the front of the pier, in front of a monument depicting several bronze figures in various poses around and on top of a jutting pile of rocks. The ravens circled, cries increasing in volume. The cacophony was almost disorienting.

The woman stopped on the corner of the street, directly across from where the man whose growing panic manifested in more regular screams. The ravens seemed to respond, almost a delighted symphony of calls, as if toying with the man. Cass came to a crashing halt at the woman's abrupt cessation of movement. The looming red of the building next to them seemed to amplify the sheer confusion and anxiety now rippling through Cass.

"What's-" Cass panted, "What's happening?!"

"Quantum shades." The woman responded, plainly.

"Qua- what?"

"Quantum shades. I've seen this before. Where have I seen this before?" The woman began rubbing her temples, her eyes squeezing shut as if struggling desperately to recall something.

"This is a common thing?" Cass asked. She wasn't sure what answer she was expecting. Or what answer would quell her frayed nerves.

"Not common. At least not in this corner of the universe anyway. Not right now at least. Give it twenty years. Hang on!" the woman seemed to light up at an apparent connection that flew right over Cass's head. Along with about twenty thousand other things, she supposed. "That sounds familiar! You don't plan on stranding yourself in London a few decades from now do you?" the woman gave an inquisitive look at Cass. Cass could only respond by opening and closing her mouth several times.

Suddenly, the beats of wings and the rain of dark feathers grew more frantic. The man continued to let out horrified yelps as he climbed the center art fixture, crouching among the statues in a vain attempt to find cover. In response to this, the woman reached into her flowing coat and produced a peculiar looking device.

It was gleaming silver, intricate patterns carved along it. The shape and bend of the object was akin to a bulky looking spoon, however the "handle" end of the object was capped off with a strange looking stone.

The woman held up the device, pointing it at the frenzied flock. With a whir, the stone at the top of the device glowed a bright orange as it rotated. Cass's eyes widened at the sight. The woman held the device sideways, as if reading something. Her face shifted from determined curiosity into worry.

"That's what I was afraid of," she said, eyes shifting back to the man.

"What's happening? Is he alright?" Cass asked. Her worry for the man's safety doubling.

The woman seemed to consider her question for a moment. She turned to face Cass more fully. Her deep brown eyes betrayed a calculating stare, as if she was assessing every aspect of Cass's being. Cass shuddered.

She seemed to find what she was looking for, as she stepped back slightly and straightened her posture. "Quantum shades," she repeated. "Beings of pure probability. Their motives are..." the woman paused, looking back at the terrified man who was now attempting to swat away the circling birds. "Their motives are hard to pin down. Almost like they change the moment you look away." A rueful smirk appeared on her face. "But some outcomes are more likely." She began walking slowly towards the man, a stunned Cass right behind her.

"These birds? Are quantum... They- they're not crows?" Cass asked, a half a step behind the woman.

"Ravens." the woman corrected. "And no. They take on a form when observed. Otherwise, they exist purely as a wave function across space and time."

"Across space and..." Cass muttered under her breath. "Okay... then what do they want with that man?"

"They're hunting." At Cass's bewildered expression, the woman expanded. "They feed off of the unrealized potential of a being's wave function. Every being, every object, every particle has a wave function. It represents all the possible paths one can take. For example, I could turn right and walk down the street at this moment. Just totter off. And never look back."

"And you're not going to?"

At that, the woman smiled. She looked down at the name tag on Cass's lapel. "Cass, eh? Good name. I'm... I'm..." the woman stopped in her tracks, brows furrowed. "Ugh I knew I was forgetting something! Never mind," she turned back to Cass. "Like I was saying. I could bugger off in that direction. Stop by for a cuppa at a café. Maybe take a stroll through the aquarium near sunset."

Cass raised an eyebrow. "And...?"

"And, I could keep walking straight. Right towards that man. These choices. All of it is possible. And they radiate out across time and space as a wave function. Some things are more likely than others of course, but anything is possible."

"I don't understand," Cass said, looking towards the scene before her. "What does this... why do they want him?"

Another scream as the ravens began pointedly swooping in, swiping at the man'n shoulder.

"What are they doing?" Cass asked, stepping forward as if compelled. She didn't understand why. But she wanted to do... something. "What- Can we help him?"

The woman turned back, smile returning more fully now. "Now you're asking the right questions." She reached out, and before Cass could process it, the woman had her by the hand and was pulling her towards the central plaza.

"Quantum shades hunt by collapsing the wave function of a being into a single." The woman explained, pulling Cass along. "Every possibility, every moment of their possible futures, every place they can run..." The man swatted furiously as he continued to scream, clinging to the peak of the rock pile. "All transfixed into one point on the fabric of space and time. And that point becomes their death."

"They're going to- How do we help him?" Cass's fear had melted away slightly, to her surprise. In its place, something strange. Determination?

"That all depends on what kind of shades we're dealing right now. Right now. I should clarify." The woman held up her silvery device again. "If I scan them, it should collapse their wave function to this moment and we can get a read on what their goal is." A whir, then a few more buzzing sounds as the woman squinted at the device. "Like I said, some things are more likely than others. It looks like these shades are looking for..." A grim look flashed across her face. "Unrealized potential."

"His unrealized potential."

"Yes." The woman responded, flatly. "Alright Cass," she grabbed onto Cass's hand again. "Let's put those waitressing skills to the test, yeah?"

----

[yril-writes]

— PARTNERS

synopsis ; years have passed and you mysteriously came back from the dead, and from the moment you've been revived only one goal in mind came to you and that is to see your partner.

scenario ; you've made a contract with a devil to bring you back, but this is not meant to go on forever. Until you achieved your goal you live, that is why you came looking for them causing havoc to an extent even.

type ; drabble

include/s ; kishibe

pairing/s ; kishibe x gn! reader

genre ; angst and a mountain filled with sad corn

"Who would've thought I'd see you like this again." that same familiar voice tone, made you look back only to see a not so familiar face. He looked older and by the looks of it the man standing behind you had these empty eyes, smoking cigarettes like there's no tomorrow, he shrugs and takes a step closer to you. "You, have I met you somewhere?" he raises your chin to take a good look, to the left and to the right then he sees something familiar with a birth mark, shaped almost like a flower. He racks his brain, trying so hard to remember who is this human nor devil in front of him. But you didn't speak, too speechless to even say a word, now that you had a closer look at him as well you knew him by his scent and by those pesky cigarettes of him. (Kishibe, it's been a long time...I'm sorry I had to erase your memories back then.) Kishibe doesn't remember a thing, he doesn't remember his first partner before Quanxi came along, it's because that partner of his died the first week in the job. And the catch is that, ever since then he doesn't remember even having a partner or the small tiny moments they had, just like a bubble, popped and disappeared into thin air. And that bubble was you. You made a contract with the Dream Devil, and for the last time you implanted that the day you died is nothing but just a mere dream for him, so that he could forget. (Kishibe, it's really good to see you again like this...) giving a smile, Kishibe furrowed his eyebrows perplexed as to why this shadow figure in front of him seemed familiar a while ago and then turned into this. "A fiend. Why did you seem familiar to me? Do you perhaps know me?"taking a stance, he grabs a knife from his coat and points it towards you. "You may not know me but I know you, nothing about me seems interesting at all. But you, you are interesting, Kishibe.) covering more of yourself with the shadows of darkness the more you feel alive and strong, but of course you expected to be killed by this. Before you could've explained something you were slain without hesitations. On your last breath you removed the curse from Kishibe, it took a toll on him to remember it all, but he does now. And even more, because he had slain you. Cemetery, yes, the place where he mostly goes. Now looking down at the grave, he remembered why he would always stand on this peculiar grave he knew nothing of, it was because this was the grave of his first partner that had died. You didn't want to burden him, you didn't want to blame himself to what had happened to you, so your last resort was to make him forget and it did work. He forgot. "You, you are a complete fool. When you became my partner I told you not to break easily, and within a week you died. And the worst thing is for you to be cursing me for years now, I underestimated you. You are strong even the dead couldn't stop the curse...did you only come back to lift this stupid curse, from an old man? If so, thank you..." leaving a bouquet of flowers on the grave stone, he walks like the wind swiftly away from the grave. "I see you now..." he utters as the wind carries away those words to the horizon.

a/n ; thinking of making more chainsaw man fanfictions in the future, I've been obsessed with csm and have these cool ideas to put together with!

taglist ; @sammushy @ryuuudesuwa @gcj-doesart @jasugoi

masterlist ; more stories here!

[adibkhorram]

Dear Mr Khorram,

I recently read one of your books, Darius the Great Is Not Okay, and I’m so glad that I did. I had heard talk of the book floating around and I never knew why, but now that I’ve read it, I’m incredibly grateful that I did. Reading about Darius’ experience with his culture, his family, and his depression hit me right in the heart, as I have gone through very similar things. Seeing someone else go through things that I’ve gone through makes me feel so much less alone, and even if it’s still hard, I know that it’s a feeling that I can share with others.

Originally, I read this book as a way to look into another perspective, a type of ‘window,’ but the more I read, the more I saw myself in Darius. I understand how he feels when his father seems disappointed in him all the time for things he can’t control, because I’ve been through that too. My parents don’t always understand that sometimes the best I can do is just getting up and staying awake. Being excluded from the group, dealing with bullies that target you for things you don’t have control over, and struggling to understand what you’re supposed to do when you’re around others isn’t too far from home. It made me sad to realize that Darius and myself had gone through very similar situations.

More than that, I saw myself in Darius’ experience trying to connect with his culture. My family comes from many different places, and I’ve never been as connected as I’d like to be. I didn’t even know about part of my heritage until I was older, since my parents never talked about it. The lack of knowledge made me feel like I couldn’t really claim the culture as my own. Darius’ hesitancy to engage in things and his uncertainty about how to talk with other people in Iran, felt like someone had taken my anxieties right out of my brain and put them onto a page, just with a different background. It makes sense that plenty of people feel that way, especially when you’re the child of an immigrant, but it still was very special to see that struggle represented.

The thing that was maybe most impactful to me was Darius’ connection with his grandfather. I lost my grandfather around a year ago, and since he lived in Germany, I didn’t get to see him as much as I would have liked. I also had to leave knowing that I wouldn’t get to visit my grandfather again, and I’ll admit that I cried a bit reading that part of the book. Losing someone is always hard, but knowing that you won’t be able to go visit them again hurts. Losing someone hurts even more when it feels like you haven’t had enough time with them. The way that you talked about Darius’ feelings hit me right in the gut, and I still haven’t fully gotten over it.

Darius’ story was a reflection of mine in so many ways, and I’m forever grateful that I took the chance and read your book. It was a book that I will probably think about for some time to come. Darius’ struggles with his mental health, with connecting to his culture, and with knowing that he won’t get to see his grandfather again all painted a very realistic portrait of teenage life, and I’m glad that I read the book. Congratulations on your newest book! I hope to hear back from you. It would be awesome to get a ‘letter’ back from an author I admire, and my teacher promised me extra credit points if I got a response back, although I was not expecting this to be done through a tumblr ask.

Sincerely,

Tobie

Hi Tobie,

Thank you so much for your lovely message. I'm so honored you saw yourself in Darius's story, and I hope it was a balm to you through your own rough times. I wrote it for folks who feel like you do—and like I do too, tbh.

I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather passing away. Mine are both long gone, but I think of them often, especially my Iranian one, who went through so much in his life but, in his later years, was more content than maybe any person I've ever known. He would sit on the porch of my aunt's house (where he lived), looking at the garden and the sunlight, and say "Khaylee khoob" (very good) to himself.

I hope you're taking care of yourself as best you can. And I hope, like Darius, you find the people that love you for who you are.

Yours,

Adib

[chuuyaposting]

One day I hope I'm friend shaped. I miss having friends that would just call randomly to catch up or talk about random things, I miss getting calls at odd hours like "dude guess what.. this is what happened at work today. Im gonna dye my hair, u wanna come over?" And then we'd hang out and yap about random shit. Or "im going to run errands, u wanna come with?" And then talking and laughing together through the day. I miss the simple things, they were such big moments for me. Mfers could ask me if i wanna go to a doctors appointment with them and i was like "yah sure!" And we sit there in the waiting room sending snapchats back and forth making each other crack up, or going out for midnight drives and parking in a parkinglot somewhere just to chat, I play something really loud and random over the car speakers and we both bust out crying laughing. Sitting around doing nothing together was so fun too, i was genuinely so happy to be doing nothing with a friend. Sitting outside and smoking weed together and laughing at the most brain rot shit, but then having one of the deepest heart to heart talks I've ever had in my life, sneaking downstairs to go smoke in the bathroom and just listen to music together, we start sending each other shit on our phone and trying not to laugh too loud and wake everyone up. Going out to the skate park just to happily watch my friend practice tricks on his bike and tell him how fuckin cool it was as we left to grab pops together, sharing music with each other and yapping about our shared interests. Being sent random memes like "THIS IS SO YOU LMAO" and friends even noticing when i was feeling down and being like "alright im coming over. We're gonna hang out. No you dont have a choice, today's gonna be a good day." Like... yeah. It was a good day. You made it a good day. Those memories will stay with me forever and i will always treasure these moments. I miss having friends. I miss spending all night at a friends house just bouncing from topic to topic and doing little crafts together and going out to random places just for the hell of it. Despite everything going on in the world around us, for those few moments, life was so simple because we made it to be. The mutual support, the camaraderie, the inside jokes, it meant more to me than I could ever put into words. I still use the incense you burned to cheer me up and change the mood when I was depressed in my room for weeks, I still drink the same drink you got me when ya took me to that rooftop bar and I lost my glasses, I still think of you when I see a can of hormel beans because you just kept saying it Over and over like it was the funniest shit you'd ever heard, i still think of you when i eat mac & cheese from this one place now because i remembered it was your favorite, mac & cheese with chicken and caramelized onions and old bay seasoning with the mashed potatoes to mix together. It was really good and i think you have good taste. I still think of u when I see some of the funny videos we used to quote all the time. I hope they know how much every moment we shared meant to me. But we're so far away now, they've got better friends now, people change and grow apart instead of growing together and it makes me really sad. I don't have that anymore. I don't think i know how to make friends. But I'll always treasure the ones I have like gold.

[flowersofstarlight]

Hi @ericaportfolio

If you’re reading this, I wanted to let you know about my thoughts about Nick Nack’s past and thinking about him having PTSD. I’ve been thinking a lot about Nick’s childhood and going through trauma and abuse by his father in your AU. And it kinda got me to psychoanalyze him and theorize what he’s feeling, what he’s afraid of and that he might be going through depression after he and the Handeemen manage to escape from Francis and his mob.

I’m not a therapist or a psychiatrist or psychologist, but I have learned a little bit about how the brain works when people have experienced schizophrenia, PTSD, trauma, etc. from the videos of Therapists reacting to Arcane: League of Legends, talking about Vi’s trauma and Jinx/Powder’s PTSD and schizophrenia. Both Moxxie from Helluva Boss and Hunter from The Owl House were also abused by their parent/guaridan like Nick. It might make sense to mention them having similar situation as Nick did.

This is going to be sad what I’m about to say and long to read, but take the time you need to check it out later and if you have some free time. And let me know your thoughts about this in the comments or reblog. I am curious what you think and I think Nick needs a lot of hugs.

So, after Mortimer and the others escaped from Fracis, Nick probably would be at home blaming himself for getting the others dragged into that situation with Francis and his mob. Obviously he didn’t know that he would see his father again and didn’t know what to do. He thought he got away and never had to go back to the place he grew up in. I feel like Francis’ manipulation has pushed Nick’s sadness to guilt, making him think that it’s Nick’s fault for what happened to his mother and what was about to happen to Mortimer and the others, the way Scar did to his nephew Simba.

If Francis told him things, when he was a child and internalized those messages in his head, Nick would have a hard time challenging them as an adult. He might still carry that guilt and what Francis said to him. He probably would feel like a burden to everyone in their life. Feeling like he carried so much weight on them to stress out and felt like the one who put them in danger. He would even hate himself because he didn’t ask for anything bad to happen to the Handeemen that got dragged into that mess, he didn’t ask to be born, and never asked to be the son of the Mob Boss.

Francis’ words and manipulation would be stuck into Nick’s head, and Nick would be going through depression, fear and probably hallucinate hearing negative words around him and having nightmares and trouble falling asleep. His mother Jancis, was very kind and loving to him, like the light that guides him and there to comfort him. But since Francis took that away from him, he would felt helpless and be treated like a toy or moved around like a pawn on the chessboard.

Nick might be thinking that it’s his fault for his mother to disappear because he is her weakness. Although Jancis does love her son dearly and wanted to protect him, it isn’t true that Nick is the responsible for her disappearance because he was (I assumed when he was eight) just a kid and didn’t do anything wrong to her. It was Francis’ choices that made Jancis disappear. And that affects Nick really badly, causing him to have PTSD, and Francis hitting his own son (like an abusive father he is) makes him never forget those scars and would haunt him forever.

Of course, Nick ran away to start a new life where he can be himself and follow his dream and years later, he found others who truly cared about him and like him the way he is like Valentino, Mortimer and the others. But after meeting Francis, Nick probably felt he does not matter to anyone and is just a problem that dragged others to get hurt because of him. He is sick and tired of being the victim and wants to bury that pain or other negative emotions down in the ground forever, but it gets worse. It really doesn’t help if you keep suppressing your own emotions.

He probably would push everyone away, so that they won’t get hurt again. But he needed to realize that bad things are going to happen to everyone, including the good people. He has people who cared about him, but that scared him the most because he’s afraid that Mortimer and the others will disappear like his mother or be killed or worse and that he can’t do anything but watch it happen right in front of him, and he thinks it’ll be all his fault because he did nothing and let it happen.

Valentino may not understand what Nick is going through or what it feels like to be in his shoes, but they can sympathize that because they were mistreated by someone who treats them like they’re nothing, but a tool or pawn. Before Val opened their own boutique, they used to work with their boss who is a famous fashion designer operating in London.

Valentino was extremely happy that they got the job to work with their idol and create the dresses and suits to show their creations. But after a while working with their idol, Val told Nick that they were getting abused and under so much pressure by their boss. Valentino felt they needed to be perfect around her and keep pleasing her to do what she demanded because they are one of her best designers to create new clothes that are worth selling. She was very manipulative to them and would steal their ideas, and also insulting their appearance. And Val once said to themselves, “If I don’t complain, if I do my best, if I do every simple thing she asks of me, maybe one day she will throw me a bone. Maybe one day, I will gain her enough satisfaction that she will give me the respect and show her gratitude.” Which obviously is not good, and is unhealthy relationship to have with someone.

They worked with her for almost 3 years and it really made Val feel miserable and felt like they haven’t rested since forever. It even made them forget about their family and why they do it in the first place. However, their boss is not just awful to Valentino, she is awful to every fashion designer who works with her and would fire her least favorite designer if she didn’t like what they created.

But after Val met a friend who was very kind and gave them the wisdom they needed to hear, Val was happy that they worked up the courage to quit and say “I deserve better” and walk away from a toxic relationship. After they quit, they felt a lot happy like they haven’t been that happy for so long. Now they get to reconnect with their family and catch up for lost time, they find peace and went to therapy to talk about their emotions they felt working with their idol (well, used to be their idol). Val gives Nick advice to go to see therapy that their old friend could help.

Nick needed to realize it wasn’t his fault for putting the Handeemen in danger and his mother disappearing. He needs to see that he’s not alone and has people who are there to support and care about him. He also needed to be honest and show his vulnerability to himself and others to grow as a person. And have self-acceptance, opening up, and relinquishing his fears to build trust and honesty with others.

I think if Nick will give time to heal, he’ll finally start accepting the past and move on. And maybe he’ll be able to let go and find peace and he’ll be okay despite everything that happened.

It would be interesting to see his character development grow, seeing him standing up to his father, fighting back to protect his loved ones, seeing Riley and Nick working together to escape, and helping others to escape from Francis and his mobs. And maybe it would be cool to see Nick vs Francis if it’s possible. You know, like fight scenes. But knowing that Mortimer’s Handeemen is a kids show, I don’t think they’ll allow that. But if they do, the battles would probably be similar to Muppets as long as it is not dark, not too violent or inappropriate to watch for the kids.

Anyway, that is all I want to talk about. Again, feel free to reblog or comment what you think. And I hope you’re doing good and find it interesting what I talked about Nick having PTSD.

[fandomworldofdreams]

Hospital For Souls

"I'm fine in the fire. I feed on the friction. I'm right where I should be. Don't try and fix me. So lost for so long. To find my way I failed to follow. I'm out of place"

-10 Years

Previous: prologue, CHP1, CHP2

Chapter III: Fix Me

The metal table was cool against her hands as she fidgeted with them, the cuffs around her wrists clinking. Her father sat across from her, sweating.

"Eria I'm sorry I wasn't there," his voice cracked and he brought his hand to his lips.

She just stared at him. Her face a mask.

After Dr. Crane's act she had been put in a straight jacket and escorted to a room with padded walls, where she sat in silence for hours.

No food, no light. She was finally released and taken back to her cell after a while, and the jacket was removed.

She had tossed and turned, trying to sleep, until a guard entered and informed her she had a visitor.

So here they were.

Her father was a short and stout man. But not in an ugly way, in a grandfatherly way. His beard and hair were graying. Half from the stress, the other because he never dyed it.

"What could you have done?" Valeria's voice was curious.

His mouth opened and closed, eyes searching hers. "I-I could have talked to you! Helped!"

She sighed. "It's sad how people wait until someone falls that deep before trying to help." Her look was pointed and his face fell.

"Try not to blame yourself, I would have done it eventually. Your need to feel your actions could have changed my decision is in vain. You had no control over the situation."

He exhaled a little and his shoulders sagged. Valeria bit down on her tongue. "I saw on the paperwork that you attacked your doctor and so now they're keeping you longer? What happened?"

"Dr. Crane said some things I didn't like and I snapped. It's done."

Her father's eyebrows raised. "Dr. Crane is the head here?" She nodded.

"Huh, haven't seen him in forever."

"You know him?"

"He taught at the university for a while. You and Sebastian actually met him a couple times when I brought you with me. He was one of the youngest professors there."

Valeria looked at him in shock, trying to rack her brain for any memory of Dr. Crane. But it all came up blank.

"I guess it's a small world," her dad chuckled. She found this situation anything but humorous.

"I'm tired," she said. Her dad nodded, they both stood to their feet.

"I'll come back and visit," he offered a small smile. "I love you, Eria " She bit back the 'don't bother' and turned to the guard who grabbed her arm and began walking.

"Are you okay?". She looked to the guard and took him in. He had black hair, maybe late twenties.

His eyes were a dark brown, like his skin.

"Yeah, I'll be okay. Some people only pretend to care once it's too late."

"I get that, I'm Teddy by the way."

"I'm Velaria." She knew the introduction wasn't necessary, but it felt mannered.

"Dr. Lecter asked I bring you to his office after your visiting time," he explained as they turned another hallway.

She wasn't sure why he was being so kind to her, but for right now she didn't feel like questioning it.

Dr. Lecter's office was a warm reprieve. She sat across from him and studied his relaxed demeanor.

He had requested Teddy remove the cuffs. Teddy gave a cautious glance to her and she smiled.

"Don't worry, his face isn't as punchable." Teddy uncuffed her and seemed to hide a smile before exiting the office.

"How was your visit with your father?"

"Dull." Her father was the last thing she wanted to discuss. "Wouldn't you rather discuss how I went off the rails and attacked Dr. Crane?"

"If that is what you wish to discuss during our session."

Valeria tried to calm her anger, she knew he wouldn't believe her and she needed to come to terms with the fact she now had to overanalyze everything.

"I didn't attack him to the extent he claims." She still felt this need to prove herself to Dr. Lecter. Prove she wasn't a bad person. "He said very hurtful things to rile me up. My actions were my own and I shouldn't have retaliated with violence. But he was trying to push me."

"Perhaps he saw you would benefit from being here longer." She looked to Dr. Lecter and saw no trace of mockery on his face.

"It doesn't matter. Please just get on with the questions."

"May I see your hand?" She looked at him in confusion.

"What?"

He repeated the question and she hesitantly held out her right hand. It ached to flex it and the knuckles had turned a dark purple. Her third knuckle's skin had opened and dried blood covered the wound.

She jumped when he leaned forward and his hand rested under her palm to move her hand and examine it. His skin was warm in contrast to her cold one.

"I had assumed they did not check." His eyes flickered up to hers. "May I clean and wrap this?" All she could manage was a curt nod. He stood and let go of her hand to retrieve some things from a cabinet.

Valeria tried to steady her breathing.

He moved his chair closer and sat next to her, pulling her hand to him. His knee pressed against hers.

"Have you ever punched anyone before?" He asked, as if this were a completely mundane conversation.

"No, though luckily I've seen enough television to know not to tuck my thumb." He chuckled. "I honestly barely remember, everything kinda went black until I felt the pain."

He cleaned the dried blood off of her hand with some alcohol and applied an antibiotic cream.

"Anger is a very consuming emotion. Most people believe it is about losing control. But when a person is angered neurotransmitters are released called catecholamines. This can have an energy increase effect for several minutes, which is why sometimes people feel a need to take immediate action to protect themselves."

He began to wrap her hand with gauze.

"Blood rushed to the limbs and your awareness sharpens, mostly only on the subject of your anger. The prefrontal cortex handles judgement, which would overpower the emotional response of the amygdala."

She was glued to every word. His voice was a soft lull and she couldn't help but stare at him as he finished up the gauze and held an ice pack to her knuckles.

"Of course during those several minutes, amongst other neurotransmitters, hormones are also released, triggering a lasting state of arousal."

His thumb brushed over hers. She told herself that it was an accident, or that she imagined it.

"The high levels of arousal can cause trouble remembering. Your reaction was purely instinctive."

She gulped, aware that his aura had darkened a little and widened to try and surround her.

She cleared her throat and just like that it was back to normal.

"Are you afraid right now?" Hannibal asked, not threatening.

"Yes. I've spent my life not being fully seen and wearing a mask. Here it feels like I'm, for lack of a better term, naked. Like the walls I've built up suddenly have windows."

"Why does someone seeing the true you scare you?"

"I'm not sure."

"Alright, have you ever had any romantic relationships?" He was serious and Valeria had to laugh at the normalcy of the question.

"I've had three."

"What were they like?"

"Average, I suppose."

"Who ended them all?" He seemed to already know the answer. She wanted to shift, but his hand was firm and eyes stuck her to the seat.

"I did."

"You turn away from anything that becomes to serious because it frightens you that someone may see the real you and reject you. So you break it off first, thus rejecting them to save yourself the heartbreak."

Valeria cringed and looked away from him. "I suppose."

"Do you believe this stems from your father? His inability to see and provide for you has led you to believe that everyone will fail you at some point or another?"

Valeria paused, contemplating the question. "I believe that would be a logical conclusion. That and the fact that two people whom I loved died."

"Yes, especially so young. Do you believe yourself a curse?" Valeria snapped her eyes to him, realizing he hadn't asked it as an insult, she relaxed.

"I blame my father, if anyone. I believe I am just meant to be alone. As soon as I let myself care is when they leave."

"Perhaps that is something we need to work on together, Valeria." He smiled and she tried to return it, but her face felt heavy.

When the session was over she was escorted to the rec room where she found another book and plopped at the table where Sebastian and Jane were.

"I heard you beat the shit out of Crane!"

Valeria inwardly groaned at having to discuss this for a third time today.

"Hardly, I punched him. It seems he wants me to stay longer." Janes grin was contagious and Seb chuckled from beside her.

"Shit, three days in and you're already beating people's ass, maybe we should put our hands in your pocket when we travel around."

Valeria rolled her eyes. "Can we talk about someone other than me? I've already extended my capacity for sharing today."

"Sure, what do you wanna know?" Seb asked.

"Do either of your parents come and visit?"

"My aunt does. Both my parents were killed in a robbery gone wrong when I was twelve. My Aunt took me in," Seb smiled sadly.

"Mom and dad do drugs. I sometimes hear from them asking for money, but I'm mainly close with my grandparents, they stop by every other week," Jane said.

Valeria looked at them and nodded, not sure what to say.

"Um, mom and brother are dead. Father says he'll visit." She turned her attention to the book on the table.

'The Three Musketeers'

She chuckled at the irony.

"Well, on that mood-dampering note," Seb chuckled, "Aquarius?"

Valeria looked at him with a raised eyebrow.

"What?! You're detached and logical." Seb raised his hands in defense.

"True, but she doesn't seem like much of a conspiracy person," Jane added thoughtfully. "Not enough sexual appeal for a Scorpio."

Valeria burst out laughing. "One more guess."

"Virgo?" Jane asked.

"Capricorn," Valeria smiled.

Seb smacked his hand on the table. "That was my next guess. Whatever, bet you can't guess ours!"

Valeria surveyed them, first looking at Seb. "Pisces." Her eyes slid to Jane. "Sagittarius."

Both their mouths dropped. "How'd you do that?" Jane asked.

"I just know a lot about astrology."

A voice cleared behind Valeria and she looked up to see a guard.

"Dr. Crane would like to see you."

[colrana]

i miss parker do you also miss parker (this is a request to hear more about your megan + parker interps)

omg...thank you for handing me the mic im so touched

the answer is yes! i do miss parker macmillan. i also miss megan ito! i miss them both so much. (also i feel deranged how it is confirmed that the book was the reader but im keeping my megan ito as reader thoughts forever!!!!)

i mainly focus on their relationship / megan ito more than just solely parker, but thats just how i go i suppose! parker to me kinda works in my brain how i believe that megan ito would exactly see him, and its kinda fitting in that way? (i do feel bad for that though) (im also paging @citadarkisle because hes my fiance and my parker interp is *heavily* based off his! he got more indepth thoughts on parker than i could ever muster)

so the way megan would describe parker would be this: a broken player who is a rival both and a friend, and full of *potential* melded up in one ball! with one issue: the parent issues. at least, thats how megan ito summarizes him and his issues. she kinda molds him into her narrative and makes him ripe for the saving and for the salvation that she truly believes she can bring to him.

parker in the meanwhile is kinda...passive to this? she isnt particularly harmful to him, and just having his boundaries be, as he would maybe describe, *gently* walked and trampled all over isnt really as bad compared to the literal hell his life is with being pulled at ten million directions and somehow being hated and revered at the same time... so like megan? yeah shes kinda like...maybe agreeable to that.

they have a roommates situation at megans place which is kinda pathetic-sad. awkward, quiet nights sleeping in the same bed because their relationship is like........ .............. incalculable. there is admiration there, but wrong? its to the left. there are arguments and boundaries crossed, but never to the point where they ever break off their friendship. and even saying *friendship* is odd. they were friends, yes! but then they got into a weird grey area........

i dont think theyve ever held hands or kissed or brushed arms or anything like that, actually. i dont think theyve had the silent-love filled room moments where they lock eyes and are smitten or like, believe that each other held love for each other. i think they knew they were in some *position* but not sure what it was. i mean they sure as hell were something more than basic friends. i think parker had normal friends somewhere in his teams! and megan too! but oh my god i think they were just in an interlocked battle that parker want *nothing* with but megan just had the fixation to keep holding him on.

i believe that megan is at heart a kind person and didnt mastermind the stolen forcefield out of ill will. i saw that action as a last resort for her. that she was willing to put their friendship on the line to make *visible* change in parkers life. she had an infatuation with fixing his issues, to finally pull him out of his shell, and to be *right* most of all. its kinda why i draw megans gaze towards the symbolic *orb* whenever i draw them together. i just love the symbolism of her being so fixated on something that doesnt exist, or doesnt need to exist, or that she never really properly took his words or history or anything truly to heart because she *felt* for his *situation* more than *him*.

you ever feel compelled to solve something for someone else? a problem that is so deep and beyond your means but feels so *tangible*? that youd do anything and would throw yourself into it to finally have it accomplished? to solve it *for* them, because you think you can see it from the outside and that gives you the authority and allows you to rob them their agency? these are the sort of questions that i play around with the parker + megan relationship as a whole....

i hope this wasnt too long!!! id love to elaborate more on specific details if anyones curious, but yeah! thank you ; - ;

[mycastlescrumblingdown]

fearless tracks 5-11 review

WHITE HORSE

i'm going to be honest, this one is a little bit boring to me sometimes. i'm not the biggest fan of it. i'm not a hater, but i'm not a fan. as taylor said, "it isn't love, it isn't hate, it's just indifference."

some of these lines are also so sad though. like wdym "I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well"

this song is just a little forgettable to me

score: 3/10

points for style, instrumentals, extra points because it doesn't deserve to be rated lower than that's when

favorite line: my mistake, I didn't know to be in love you had to fight to have the upper hand

YOU BELONG WITH ME

ah yes, the pick me anthem. 'tis a bop though

all jokes aside, this song doesn't bother me as much as it does some people. like yes, it's mildly annoying if you think about it too hard, but this is not a song you're meant to think about. just sing, it's a fun song.

and the music video! I love this music video. took me waaay too long to realize the brunette girl was Taylor though.

i also think the bridge is a great part of this song. i will admit it is elevated by the eras tour, but what isn't.

also, if you haven't heard the weird al parody of this song, i would highly recommend it. it's honestly really good, and it highlights the weird sh*t the paparazzi are allowed to get away with

(side note: I am wearing my junior jewels shirt as I review this. I did not plan to do so, but yay. happy accidents, am I right?)

score: 5/10

points for style, bridge, instrumentals, vocals, pretty privilege

favorite line: I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry *clap clap*

BREATHE

i like this song pretty well. I had a little phase with it a year or two ago and I just listened to it and tell me why on repeat. it was awesome, and i'm shocked that I didn't wear this song out.

my dad thinks this song sounds a little whiny. honestly, I don't really see that. I think Taylor sounds pretty nice on this song.

i do kind of forget that there's a feature on this song. I think it would be ok to leave it out, to be honest. everyone talks about Lana on sotb, but no one talks about colbie on breathe.

there's not very much to say about this song. it's pretty repetitive, and that doesn't really bother me on this song, but I do think it will ultimately lower the rating just because there's not very much there.

score: 4/10

points for style, personal bias, verses, instrumentals

favorite line: you're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

TELL ME WHY

this song is filled with absolutely AMAZING lines

"you could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day"

"why do you have to put down my dreams so you're the only thing on my mind?"

"why do have to make me feel small so you can feel whole inside?"

just... the entire chorus

if someone wrote this song about me I might actually hide forever.

the actual song itself sounds pretty good. I love when she say temper. every single time without fail, she goes "here's to you and yous tAMPER" and it scratches my brain so perfectly. and just in general, I really like her vocals on this song. I think they sound really nice.

i do find the mean streak line super comedic because I picture thug story, but that's unrelated.

overall, I think this articulates the anger of breaking up with someone pretty well. (I say, never having been in a legitimate relationship)

score: 6/10

points for lyrics, style, chorus, bridge, instrumentals, vocals

favorite line: you could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day

YOU'RE NOT SORRY

this one is kind of a skip. I like piano, but it feels kind of out of place on this album. I don't know where it would be better suited-maybe red tv?- but it just feels out of place.

i like the verses pretty well, and the vocals, but my favorite part is probably the instrumentals. it's a really pretty song.

overall it's fine, I guess, but it's just not really it for me most of the time

score: 4/10

points for verses, instrumentals, vocals, and pretty privilege

favorite line: you got your share of secrets and I'm tired of being last to know

THE WAY I LOVED YOU

my dad made a pretty compelling point about this song. he heard it in the car when I played it and said something along the lines of "so she's in a really great relationship and she hates it?" and yes, but I do think he kind of missed the point of the song. to me, it's more about that she just doesn't really feel very much in her current relationship because it is so smooth and reliable. she is saying she felt more when there was that level of uncertainty and she wants that instead of the safety of her current relationship. I think his issue with it is that he doesn't understand that perspective, and so he won't consider it because it seems silly, for lack of a better word.

my opinion on twily is that Taylor doesn't really come off sounding the best on it story wise, but i really love it otherwise. it's such a good song.

and the instrumental? flawless. the line delivery? amazing.

"it's a roller coaster kinda rUuUuUsh" sounds so. good.

i didn't rewatch the lyric video, but in my head the clock in the background is the one from the mastermind video. I don't know if the genius was Taylor or me here, but either way it's pretty cool.

speaking critically for a moment, I do feel like the verses leave a little to be desired. I just feel like i'm always waiting for the chorus, but the buildup is so worth it.

score: 6/10

points for style, personal bias, chorus, instrumentals, vocals, pretty privilege

favorite line: just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated. got away by some mistake...

FOREVER AND ALWAYS

I love love LOVE this song.

"you looked me in the eyes and told me you. loved. me. were you just kidding?" I LOVE THAT LINE SO MUCHH

also the line "it rains in your bedroom, everything is wrong" makes me think of clean

i can't even think of how to express my love for this song. it's such a banger

i love the change from "when he said" to "when you said" to "when we said"

i go feral over this song

but no matter how much I love this song, I can't deny that it sounds a teensy bit out of place on the album

score: 8/10

points for lyrics, personal bias, chorus, verses, instrumental, vocals, pretty privilege, loopability

favorite line: you looked me in the eyes and told me you. loved. me. were you just kidding?

[she-karev]

A Day in Hell (Amber Karev Angst Imagine)

Previous Part

Age Rating: 12+

Chapters: Four of Six

Fandom: Grey’s Anatomy

Fancast: Bruce Greenwood as Ian Talbert

Canon Episode: Season 17 Episode 2

AN: I wanted to do a story to showcase the hardships health care workers faced when covid hit. The doctors and nurses put our health first during a worldwide crisis and we should be forever grateful for that even without a pandemic to prove what should always be known.

Summary: Amber continues to monitor a dying Ian who gives her a gift.

Words: 1350

Chapter Links Here: 1,2,3,4,5,6

April 1st, 2020

Amber enters Ian’s room after stepping out so he can talk to his ex-wife over zoom. It took until tonight for Ian to gather the courage to contact her and by then his cough was getting worse and his lungs were flooded from Amber’s last physical exam.

The young resident tries to put her own emotions aside as she continues to oversee Ian. The sight of another patient of hers dying of a virus makes her heart break and her mind crack more but she knows that as bad as it is for her, it’s even worse for Ian who is lying in bed looking more sickly than he did this morning.

Amber clears her throat inside her PAPR helmet before closing the tablet, “How did it go?”

Ian speaks in a raspy voice, “Fine I guess. We just talked about our regrets and what we could have been. She was crying and telling me no matter what I’ll always mean something to her even after everything. It was pretty sad.”

“It sounds like it was. How are you feeling?”

“I’m cold.”

Amber grabs a blanket for Ian covering him head to toe, “Um…let me give you a little atropine for that rasp.” She inserts the IV with the medicine, “It shouldn’t be long now. Is there anyone else we can call for you?”

Ian shakes his head and speaks clearer, “Everybody else is dead or wishes me dead…on the bright side for some of them I’m fulfilling their dream.” Ian chuckles and begins to cough violently. Amber ups his oxygen intake making him breathe much easier and his coughing to stop.

Amber decides to talk to him to ease his pain, “You know some teenagers came in this morning after their car exploded. One had third degree burns on over 70 percent of his body, one had a wooden spike over in his abdomen. The reason they were even out there in the first place was to go to a party in the middle of a pandemic. I’m a doctor so I know that they don’t know what they’re doing, they’re neurologically stupid because their brains aren’t fully developed. Plus, a pandemic taking away prom and graduation and walking to the mailing box instead of a stage to get their diplomas there was bound to be teenage chaos.”

Ian grins seeing the ire in his doctor’s face, “But that doesn’t stop you from cursing at them for their stupidity.”

Amber nods, “Or their dads for fighting in the tent in front of other family members making it infinitely worse for everyone in there. And from what I heard one of the dads knew and he let his kid go out anyway it is…”

Ian nods, “We all have a blind spot for our kids…did the boys live?”

“Um the boy with the spike he was in danger of losing his kidney but they were able to save most of it.”

“And the boy with the burns?”

Amber sighs, “He died in surgery. Even thought what he did was beyond stupid he didn’t deserve to die and not like that and not while his parents are outside.”

Ian nods in sympathy, “It’s a terrible time for everyone, especially parents and their kids.”

Amber inhales to subside her rage, “It is enraging how much worse this world is getting and we’re all just following and bringing each other down like we did before…I hate this, I hate everything. I wish I wasn’t here to experience the world at it’s worst.”

“…You sound like me after my daughter died. I wanted to burn everything and everyone around me, I spent so much time raging and so much time hating myself for not doing more.” Ian swallows the lump in his throat, “There is no worse feeling in the world than knowing you failed to protect your child.”

Amber looks at Ian in sympathy, “Tell me about her, your daughter, what was she like?”

Ian sighs, “She was…She was life. I don’t even know how to explain it. I never saw someone take such joy out of helping others or tell everyone how she was gonna be a hero. Olivia was this force of energy that couldn’t be contained. Even when she was a moody teenager nothing could stop her and whoever tried she would put them in their place.”

Ian smiles at the memory with Amber grinning, “I saw this person coming out of her mother, she had my hair and my eyes but still I thought, ‘I don’t know who this person is.’ It was like having someone from another planet into your home and you’re just a host. I don’t know if that’s how other parents feel but it’s how I felt when I saw my Olivia for the first time.”

“She sounds wonderful.” Amber says.

“She was, she really was.” Ian frowns and tears glisten his eyes, “The only time I saw her without that light…was when my wife and I identified her body. They shipped her to the VA and my wife and I prayed the whole way that it was someone else that it wasn’t our Olivia. But it was. She was…she was so burned and so dark, but I knew it was her because she had her tags on. She never took those off and neither did I when they gave them to us at her funeral. Her mother couldn’t take them, she was so broken, she couldn’t take them, so I did. I made sure they would stay with someone so that she wouldn’t be forgotten. She deserved to be remembered.”

Amber nods, “Everybody deserves to be remembered. And I am gonna remember you Ian, I promise.”

Ian gets annoyed by the sounds of the monitor, “Can you shut that off?”

Amber moves to mute the monitor while she does Ian takes off his daughter’s dog tags around his neck and holds them out to his doctor. Amber looks at the tags held out to her.

“What are you doing?”

“I want you to have this.”

Amber shakes her head not feeling worthy of it from a man she barely knows, “No I can’t take that.”

Ian is insistent and explains in a raspy voice, “Take it, don’t let her go to waste with me. I don’t have anyone to give this to.”

Amber feels sad over the ordeal this man has gone through. It is bad enough he has to die inside a box but to die alone with nobody around calls her compassionate side forward so this good man has someone by his bedside. She holds his hand with the dog tags and sits down in the chair next to him.

“I’m here. I am not going anywhere.” Amber promises holding his hand as he tears up from her kindness.

“I don’t blame you.” Ian states to a guilty Amber who closes her tearful eyes and looks down in shame, “I’m gonna see my daughter. Do you believe that?”

Amber sniffles and looks back up at her friend with tears in her eyes still holding his weakening hand.

“I didn’t give it much thought until this happened.” Amber admits, “But yeah, I want to believe there’s something good for you after all this pain. I really want to believe it.”

Ian’s breathing gets shallower, and he lays in bed looking up at the ceiling waiting for the release of death. Amber is still by his side holding his hand making sure he is not alone, it’s the only thing she can do at a time like this.

“Everything I have…is yours.” Ian proclaims.

A few moments pass before Ian stops breathing and lays still in bed with his eyes wide open. Amber looks and sees the monitors flatline without the sound. She looks back at Ian and let’s go of his limping hand to close his eyes. Her lip quivers as her eyes fill with tears before she sobs by the bed, saddened by what the world has come to and how many good people it’s lost in the process.

Next Chapter Here

[youredreamingofroo]

Alright for the oc questions, you can choose who each one is for whether it’s Roo or Leo or someone else! But I thought these might be fun to answer!

💍 RING — does your oc have any piercings? do they want any (more) piercings?

🍎 RED APPLE — where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace?

🤍 WHITE HEART — what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

AAA DAZEY TY!! Usually I just default to Roo when I do these (if an oc isn't specified), so I'll do Roo AND an extra oc if I can think of an answer for them :))

questions from this post/rb

[ under the cut due to length :) ]

💍 RING — does your oc have any piercings? do they want any (more) piercings? Roo does NOT have piercings! He's too much of a pussy to get piercings LMAO I don't blame him 🫂🫂

Hero, as you can see, has a lot of piercings LMAO (or ~sort of~ see idk), she has 8 piercings, 3 nose piercings, 2 ear piercings, and 3 lip piercings. Hero is currently satisfied with the amount of piercings she has, but if she WERE or WANTED to get another piercing, it would either be dimple piercings or the piercings u get under ur eye (i dont remember the name >:T)

🍎 RED APPLE — where was your oc born? do they still live in/around their place of birth or do they live somewhere else? how do they feel about their birthplace? Roo was born in Gothenburg, Sweden, but was swiftly moved to Washington, USA, this was around the peak of Virginia's (his mother) depression, so she [Virginia] was VERY prone to making irrational decisions, one of which is moving entire countries... anyways, I digress. Roo, obvs, doesn't live near his birth place anymore, he still resides in WA (where? I have not solidly decided :)), and due to funds, he does not plan to move back anytime soon, but he absolutely LOVESSS his birthplace and Sweden overall c: So unsurprisingly, he really wants to move back to Sweden (esp to see his little sister Deliahna)

Leo was born in Carmarthenshire, Wales, grew up in Carmar., Wales, and around when he was 18-19 years old, he moved to Luverne, Minnesota, sooo obvs, he doesn't live near where he was born LMAO Leo will often scowl and have a bitter taste on his tongue when he hears people talk about Wales, this is mostly due to his mental connection of Wales = His Parents, of whom he wants nothing to do with them :)

(^^ This question took me forever because I had to do research on regional accents and stuff so that I wasn't just spewing nonsense and nothingness for future references ajshjhdskj)

🤍 WHITE HEART — what are three of your oc's neutral/questionable traits?

3 of Roo's Neutral/Questionable traits: His Clinginess/Obsession- I consider this trait a very hit or miss trait, or in this case, questionable, due to the fact that his clinginess/obsessiveness is NOT apparent at first, and upon getting to know him more, his clinginess will show through more, but it becomes questionable when he starts to take interest in someone... he becomes obsessive out of nowhere, and it makes you wonder where on EARTH that came from, but it derives from his clinginess, it's kind of like a pokemon evolution... Attraction -> Clinginess -> Obsession... His silence- Roo tends to be very quiet, that's... that's kind of it LMAO There's really nothing questionable about it, it's just a neutral trait for him His humor- A questionable trait, as he uses humor a lot to cope and avoid answering serious questions (" are you doing okay? " " Who's okay and why am I doing them? " ykyk KDSAJKDAJKD), albeit a very socially acceptable trait, its undeniable that it's still. questionable. especially when the source material is his own trauma-

(^ I was gonna write more for this question but my brain genuinely fried typing this- it makes me so sad that my brain stopped working and I would put posting this off but I reallyyy wanted to answer this so KSJHSJKJ 😭 Im sorry- also hence why there's not a second character..)

[tenpintsof-sundrop]

HEY!! i passed out half way through reading it last night but guess who just finished it at 7 something in the morning (me, i did). doing that in the library is riskyy but also his whines 🤭 and the fact reader took did that twice in a row no break— hot. i truly do have an obsession with submissive men so id like to thank you kindly for blessing my eyes and mind. it really helps feed a girl’s delusions 💞

Read It Here: Tongue Twister - Sub!Gar Logan x (Dom)GN!Reader

"doing something like that in the library is risky"

meanwhile, I used to write smut on my laptop in the middle of class <3 and one time I literally had a teacher come up behind me when I wasn't paying attention while I was in the middle of writing an M/M anal scene (in this very famous fic of mine) and she said 'that doesn't look like the class website' - and she scared the literal shit out of me. but the second she walked away, I resumed writing the fanfic. I did not go on the class website at all that day. because I was trying my best to get transferred out of that class and get put into independent study

and what did I do during independent study? splitscreen Kamen Rider Ghost and my digital bio text book. and I still passed.

but yes - the fic!

I am glad that you enjoyed it <3 converting people to my submissive Gar agenda is just so perfect. like you can't look at him and his big beautiful wide sad eyes and tell me he's not the most submissive baby ever

also, the fic was 99% inspired by the fact that I have literally said before (multiple times) that I need to suck him so hard that his stomach collapses in like a capri sun. so the reader made him cum twice with no break because well - that's what he needs :)

like - I rarely write him as a dom, and when I do, it's the same way I write 'dom' Spencer - he's not being dominant because he actually has a desire to dominate. because he doesn't. he is being dominant because he is so fucking needy that he needs to take what he wants (aka your holes) or he feels like his brain will melt and pour out of his ears. he is just touching and consuming and mounting you out of a pure animal need. especially on Gar's part - because he is literally part animal.

but if someone is there who will shove him down and put him in his place, then he fucking loves it, and he whines about it like a sweet baby.

I could go on about Gar forever. but anyway - I am glad you enjoyed the fic <3 I absolutely look forward to you finishing up Titans so you can read my past Titans fics that have more context of the show, and you can enjoy my future ones <33

[lucygraysboy]

“don’t beat yourself up, baby,” he coos softly, stroking her cheek with the back of his fingertips, “it’s not always easy to speak about feelings, especially when you’re not sure how the other person will react to what you have to say.” what he’s trying to say is that he understands why she’s only just brought it up. there are quite a few things that he should confess and still hasn’t because he either doesn’t want to scare her off and put more pressure on her or lacks courage to open up and leave himself completely vulnerable. “i have this feeling that we’ll always find our way back to each other. after all, soulmates are forever.” he unzips his puffer jacket just enough to slip a hand beneath the collar of his purple sweater and pull out the locket that she mailed back to him a few weeks ago. the token of their friendship. he’s decided to wear it today for good luck. “i couldn’t live without you either, lucy gray. i mean, i lost my mind after that voice message you sent me and shaved my head when i realized you were really gone, that i’d lost you for good,” he admits with a sad, embarrassed smile, letting the locket go and restoring to rubbing his hands together as they wait for the heat to come on. he ends up pulling his phone out of his pocket and opening the maps app, searching for the nearest waffle house. 10 minutes. that’s not bad, he thinks to himself and hits go. he keeps the phone in his lap as the map loads.

“hey, don’t make me blush, pajarita.” he’d like to blame the color of his cheeks on the steady thread of warmth finally coming through the vents, but the truth is — it’s all lucy gray and the way she makes him feel loved. “buckle up, pretty princess.” musing sweetly as she scoots closer to him, he leans in and kisses the top of her head. his heart soaring sky-high. “lucy gray, you can’t be serious.” erupting into a fit of giggles as he listens to her stories about prissy math club girls and cowgirls at the fair and how she’d put them all in their place, it amuses him to the point where it’s making his lungs hurt. “i remember these situations, but i never noticed any other girls ‘cause i always only had eyes for my rainbow princess.” he’s not even exaggerating. if someone asked him to name those girls from the math club, he wouldn’t be able to. “gosh, they must have been green with jealousy when i took off my cowboy hat and put it on your head. or when we shared cotton candy at the ferris wheel. you know what else i remember from that fair? that i was trying so hard to impress you. i think i even won the shooting contest just because i really wanted you to have that giant plushie.” he also put on his best shirt and brand new boots, the ones that he was only allowed to wear on special occasions, doused himself in cologne. he was so in love with her then, and yet somehow he’s even more in love with her now. “cocoa’s my favorite, too. let’s add it to the list of things we want to get at walmart.” propane tanks for the heater and cocoa. interesting combination, he thinks with a smile, putting the car in reverse and beginning to back up. 

when lucy gray begins to sing, so softly and beautifully, like the sweetest hummingbird, billy’s heart does what it always does in such situations and comes to an abrupt stop. goosebumps appear on his forearms and despite so many layers of clothing he feels a shiver race up his spine. it takes him by surprise, both her voice and the song choice, and he finds himself focusing solely on her, icy hues gazing down at her with nothing but love and adoration. his hand hovering over the gear selector for a brief moment, suddenly uncertain how to put the car in drive. there’s not a single thought in his brain that doesn’t revolve around her, a dazzling grin stretching lazily across his lips. it’s a wonder he doesn’t burst into tears, nostalgia coiling around his heart like vines, but his eyes do become a bit glassy. emotion evident in them, written all over his face. “there’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach,” he hums shyly, resting his cheek atop her head for only a second. the parking lot’s abandoned so he’s not really worried about some psychotic, blind moron ramming into them, but as much as he’d like to stop the time and just listen to her singing their favorite song, let the memories of their younger years engulf him whole, he has to put the car in drive and head out onto the streets. the short trip to the restaurant is an otherworldly experience, huge snowbanks lining the road, snowflakes fluttering in the air and obscuring his view and clinging to the windshield, wipers fighting a losing battle against the winds. he rarely drives like a grandma, but this time is the exception. “are you puttin’ this song on? god, you’ll make me cry,” he laughs, but it’s a possibility so he’d like to warn her beforehand.

“it’s alright, i could’ve spoken about my feelings way back then. it’s not right makin’ you play the mind guessin’ game.” lucy gray shook her head, not wanting him to feel bad for it. eyes drop on his hands going for her zipper, happily moving them away and letting him zip her jacket for her. it caused her to happily smile, enjoying the little acts of love and letting someone baby her when she was used to always being the one who babied everyone else. then as he spoke, he just made the sentiment all the more better. making her heart light up at all this reassurance about her and jesse. “aww, well that sure means a lot to me billy bonney. you’re my whole world— that’s why i couldn’t live anymore when you were gone from it.” all those tears, heartache and screaming from the horrific pain. that’s not an exaggeration, he’s been her whole world since the second they met. “yeah, you’re an angel and a sweet dinosaur.” mittened hand lifts to gently pat his cheek, holding his hand with the other. “what do you mean? every girl who dreams of a prince for their boyfriend. those prissy math club girls on the playground in third grade, i remember that’s why i took your hand to show them you were my cowboy prince. not theirs. or when we got older and those cowgirl girls at the summer fair checking you out in your cowboy hat.” she adds, still feeling that jealousy like it was fresh. the cold pricking her cheeks and making her uncomfortable when the icy wind blows in with it after they step outside into the north pole. “cocoa’s my favorite so that’s just adorable, billy.” cheeks flush at the way he talked about her eyes, letting him help her in before sitting down and pushing the console up. so she can sit on the middle seat and buckle herself in. “we’re soarinnn’, we’re flyin’.” she playfully sung at the reminder of their high school musical phase, laughing and then wrapping her arms around his waist after he got in. she rests her cheek on his shoulder admiring him with her doe eyes before pulling away to connect her phone to the car, deciding to just put the song on.