#this things fucking killing me and giving me tendinitis and killing me

[danielleyongbokxlbeauty]

So i learned ypu cant love someone else if they don't equally love themselves as they should see you loving them. So any at all cheating happens and Jesus will spite you hard for playing with my feelings. I mean that dont fuck up this second chance. If I never mattered to stray kids why invest a full year on you. I miss the times we used to take and give on equal footing. I miss you guys but I cant stand cheating by no means. It's disrespectful and I have learnt thats grounds for killing someone now. Or at least have a crazier than u friend beat down a bitch for you

If I matter tell me that I matter and that you love me. That's all I need to hear. I dont like being lonely and I dont like causing my loves loneliness either. 😔~♡ Big 😢 😭 😿

You really have no idea how scared I am for myself right now. What if next Tuesday I find out if I have a cancerous mass and how will I get through that with out you. I really don't wanna end up like my parent.

And i am kidding you not but i heard a disembodied voice in my house then another youtube medium told me it was one of my angel guilds speaking to me. So first he or she came here to perhaps tell me to not give up on you 8. Then to keep forward motions along side yall and i am getting that strange tendinitis thing right ear ringing as a good omen right now. Tell me invisible forces aren't real when they do come to help you out in deep sleep stares just waking up from ur mom taking off the glasses and having a big blow out agruement over petti shit.

Also pussy pains from the growing mass inside me and I aint been examen yet. Not my period yet either. I am a moody woman and I know u guys can handle it because ur so patiently waiting it through especially lixie and chan. Sorry for the bout of crying I didn't mean to do that this late.

The only one that asked about it was chan how did he find out before I told him maybe he came to my appointment that day to see if i was really okay and he asked if we could delay the appointment to find out for a few more days. Thanks channie bear for being around there. I appericate you. You thought I didn't noticed the two guys in there with masks for me. Thank you 😊 the skinny one had to be hyunjin, lixie or in thanks guys for showing up too. You matter to me and I love you.

You really don't understand just how emotional strong these men are, sorry for not telling yall sooner. ♡♡♡♡♡

Thank you gratefully binnie for finding out for them tho to show up for me. That mattered even though we didn't talk their presence in that waiting room was more than enough.

If chan or lixie or hyunjini wants to hold my hand in the exam and surgery for removal they can it would perhaps help me get out of my going under and help my anxieties with health related stuff more. Just don't let them put an open vain port in my right arm tell them to put it else where or give me an injection of the stuff I need straight into muscle.

See the daily texts do matter to me with all of you. Helps me get out from my bad habbit. In 6 months alone went from 4-5 packs of cigs to only two. Mostly lixies demand to do right by my body. So thank you 💋 😘 peaceful again. Just had to cry.

[ourloveisforthelovely]

Teenagers Part 2

Harry Potter Marauders Era 

Link to Part 1 

Pairings: Regulus Black x Reader 

Rating: M

______

Getting out of potions didn’t come fast enough! As soon as the bell rang, Regulus was on his feet and out of the room. You let out a sigh and sat back in your chair.

I can’t believe that I told him that I wasn’t dating his brother…

You thought miserably before standing up and picking up your bag. The clear embarrassment of your action was finally hitting home. Instead of asking Regulus how his day was or some other nice comment you instead told him that you weren't dating his brother. Putting your hand over your face, you big Slughorn a good day. Why would Regulus care if you were dating Sirius or not? It wasn’t like he liked you or anything. Just because he was looking at you didn’t mean that he liked you.

I’m an idiot.

Walking into the Gryffindor common room, you were thankful to see Remus sitting by himself. There was no sign of James nor Sirius and you were thankful. You needed to whine to Remus and he of all people would be sympathetic.

“Remus.”

You whined his name before sitting down and smashing your face into his upper arm.

“Bad day?”

Remus questioned. You nodded and decided to bury yourself in his robes.

“It must have been a bad day. You haven’t done this in a long time.”

You groaned.

“I am never coming out again. I can’t show my face in the great hall or any class that Regulus Black is in ever again.”

Remus chuckled. While he was surprised to hear Regulus’ name come out of your mouth, he wasn’t about to give you a hard time like your brother would.

“Now, Y/n, you will have to come out from under my robes. I can’t go to class with you attached to me like a baby koala. People will ask questions.”

You whined again.

“Come on, Remus. It was a horribly embarrassing moment that I don’t think that I will ever live down. Just tell Sirius that I have taken up residence with you and he will have to get used to it or keep his shirt on.”

Remus patted your back.

“Now you know that Sirius isn’t the most patient of people and it will be hard to talk to Regulus if you’re attached to me. I don’t think he will be too interested if you are with me.”

“It doesn’t matter. I can never talk to him again.”

Remus looked up as Marlene and Lily walked in. Both girls stopped at the sight of you hiding inside of Remus’ robes. Remus gave them a small shrug.

“She’s had a super dinosaur-sized embarrassing moment that involves Regulus and won't come out.

“Oh god, Remus who are you talking to?”

You asked. Marlene gave Lily a smirk before both girls came to sit on the couch.

“Just Marlene and I.”

Lily softly replied before gently reaching out and pulling you away from Remus.

“Y/n, we know that you want to use Remus as a security blanket but you know that Sirius won’t be too happy with that.”

You sighed.

“It's horrible. I made the biggest fool out of myself. Regulus probably thinks that I’m an idiot. It's no wonder that he ran out of that class so fast.”

Marlene gave you a confused expression.

“Sweetie, what happened? You’re killing us.”

You stood up and ran a hand through your hair.

“He’s my partner in potions. We were talking and he asked if I was friends with Sirius. Do you want to know what my comment was? Instead of saying yes like a normal person I automatically said we aren’t dating. Like who does that?”

Lily gave you her warm motherly smile.

“What did he say?”

You groaned.

“His exact words were...I wasn’t asking. He also called me sassy.”

Remus’ comforting smile took over his face.

“Regulus doesn’t know half of that.”

Remus was pleased when you finally smiled. You took a breath before sitting back down in between Remus and Lily as Marlene took her turn to laugh.

“That really isn’t that bad, Y/n. You didn’t scream at him or step on his feet or anything...I understand your embarrassment but it's going to be okay. You kind of have to throw that disclaimer about Sirius and yourself out there. If people didn’t know the two of you better they would think that the both of you were a couple.”

“The same could be said about us too.”

Remus added. You dramatically groaned again.

“I should just date you and Sirius...it would be easier.”

“What would be easier?”

The conversation instantly stopped when James and Sirius stepped into the room. James looked between Remus and yourself.

“So back to my question...what would be easier?”

“Bashing my face into the floor.”

You commented. James grinned before wiggling his way between Lily and yourself.

“Having a bad day, sissy?”

You nodded and laid your head on his shoulder.

“Just made a fool out of myself...nothing new.”

James laughed.

“In front of who.”

Your mouth immediately dropped remembering just whom you were speaking to. James would have a cow if he knew that you were crushing on the one boy that James seemed to despise more than Severus Snape.

“Does it really matter? I’m just going to be a cat lady.”

Sirius started laughing at that one.

“I don’t get along with cats, love.”

You looked up.

“I will just live in the basement of the home that you purchase with Remus.”

Sirius chuckled before kneeling down in front of you.

“Come on now, you are a very pretty girl, Y/n. There are a lot of boys out there that would love to date you.”

“I can name one!”

Dorcas added. James’ eyes were on Dorcas at that one.

“Who? Who is he? I need to know.”

Dorcas grinned, ignoring how you were silently pleading with her to stop.

“Regulus.”

Both James and Sirius’ mouths dropped.

“Like my brother? He doesn’t like anyone but himself.”

James jumped up and shook his head. It would be a cold day in hell before he was okay with you dating Regulus. The kid was a punk...a snarky sarcastic little punk that cared way too much about his headful of curly hair.

“I’ll light him on fire before that happens. There are a lot of other girls out there. Regulus can go find another dude’s sister...not mine.”

Sirius too was laughing.

“Prongs, you really don’t have to worry about that. 1st off, Regulus doesn’t know how to talk to a woman. 2nd, no woman would put up with my mother as a mother-in-law. I prefer to call her a monster-in-law. 3rd, Regulus would just scare Y/n off with his less than sunny disposition.”

James grinned.

“I don’t think that the boy knows how to smile.”

You leaned back further against the couch forcing yourself to be quiet. As much as you wanted to defend Regulus, you knew that it would be a bad idea.

“He did smile at me today.”

Both James and Sirius turned to look at you like an overprotective mother hen.

“Why was he smiling at you?”

James snapped.

“Well, he is my potions partner.”

You commented while mentally smacking yourself for even providing that information. Sirius tilted his head to the side.

“What were the two of you talking about?”

“Potions stuff. I answered a question that he didn’t think that I would know...it wasn’t anything major so before you two form an angry lynch mob just stop.”

James did as you asked but internally made a note to himself to keep an eye on you anytime that you were near Regulus Black.

“Okay, that is understandable.”

(meanwhile)

Regulus stormed into the Slytherin common room and tossed his potions book on the couch beside Evan.

“Bad day, star shine?”

Regulus scowled at his friend as Barty sat down clearly interested in whatever was bugging Regulus.

“Not bad...I just made a fool out of myself...I don’t think that I can go back to potions again.”

“And why is that?”

Evan questioned. Regulus sat down and started playing with the golden snitch that was in his pocket.

“Y/n Potter is in my class.”

“And?”

Barty questioned, reminding Regulus of a housewife that spied on their neighbors whenever there was the slightest bit of drama.

“She’s my potions partner for the semester. It was a disaster. First I asked her if she knew how to talk then I called her sassy.”

A smile was already playing on Evan's lips. Regulus knew that he was about to be torn apart by his friends.

Can I just die already?

Regulus muttered before grabbing at the golden snitch again.

“She wasn’t mad. She didn’t even seem the least bit bothered by it. The girl actually responded with you don’t know the half of it. That just intrigued me more and my stupid ass self asked if she was friends with my brother. She immediately told me that she wasn’t dating him. It was awkward for both of us. She probably thinks that I’m a dick because I said I wasn’t asking instead of something...nicer. Ugh...she probably thinks that I am living up to my fucking reputation that I have to have with the Potters.”

Evan started laughing.

“Good one, Reg. Next time compliment her on her eyes or something.”

“Yeah, I wish that I did that this time.”

Regulus muttered as Barty hopped up.

“You should go talk to her now. What does she like?”

Regulus frowned.

“Hell if I know. There is another problem. It's something that we already discussed...her big-headed brother.”

Evan rolled his eyes.

“We can deal with Potter. He isn’t hovering over his sister all of the time anyway. The boy needs to go play quidditch or develop another hobby. The girl will never get a boyfriend with him scaring every guy away.”

“I’m not scared of him if that is what you are implying.”

Regulus added with a dark glare. Evan held a hand up.

“Did those words leave my mouth?”

Regulus quickly jumped up.

“I need to go clear my head. Later.”

Regulus’ mind was still a pretzel of emotions when dinner time came. He was mentally trying to sort out his feelings. On one hand, dating you wouldn’t be easy. His parents probably wouldn’t be happy. Granted, he could use the “she’s a pureblood” excuse but Walburga would probably accuse you of being a blood traitor. Regulus could also argue that he wanted to be with you and liked you. After Sirius left, Walburga’s scathing nature seemed to cool a bit, and whenever Regulus said that he wanted something he pretty much got it. Regulus was afraid that he would turn into one of those girl-crazy morons who lost themselves in their girlfriends. The last thing that he wanted to do was be tending to someone's every displeasure.

On the other hand, Regulus wouldn’t be so alone. With Evan dating a new girl every other week, the only company that Regulus had was Barty and that got old fast. It would also be nice to have someone to kiss and cuddle with. The physical parts of a relationship sounded nice too. Regulus played his part of “disinterested in love” so well but deep down he wanted to have a girl to love on. Evan made that part look “fun.”

Regulus glanced across the room to where you sat talking to Lily Evans and that god awful Dorcas Meadowes. Everything about you seemed perfect. Regulus sighed as he looked at your hands that were twirling your hair around your finger.

Those would fit perfectly with mine...and those lips…

Regulus sighed. Was he that pathetic that he was drooling over you from afar? It wasn’ that he hadn’t had the opportunity to find a lover. There were plenty of opportunities. He could count at least five girls that were desperate for his attention.

They aren’t Y/n.

(meanwhile)

“Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they would be bagels!”

You smirked at the joke that Dorcas had just told hoping to beat one that Sirius just told.

“That’s the best that you’ve got? You are the dad joke person. Mine are actually funny.”

Sirius questioned. Dorcas picked up a dinner roll and tossed it at Sirius’ face as you sat laughing quietly.

“I thought it was amusing.”

You said, politely. Dorcas grinned.

“See Sirius, at least someone here has manners.”

Sirius shrugged and went back to his conversation with James leaving the conversation. Dorcas sighed.

“So much for that. Are you feeling any better?”

You shrugged.

“I don’t know. I am still slightly embarrassed.”

Dorcas glanced at the Slytherin table where Regulus sat with his eyes locked on you. She gave Lily a wink as Lily too noticed the boy’s eyes. Grinning, Dorcas elbowed you in the side.

“Don’t look super quick but Regulus has been staring at you for a good few minutes.”

You quickly looked up and sure enough, Regulus’ gaze was right on you.

Oh Merlin, don’t do anything stupid….don’t make a fool out of yourself...just don’t...smile...smile like a normal human.

You took a breath before smiling. Regulus watched you for a moment longer before giving you a one-sided smile that slowly spread a little wider. It wasn’t a smile like his brother would give but perfect for Regulus. You didn’t foresee him being a big “I’m going to smile all of the time” person. He seemed much more serious than that...and you were fine with it. If you could put a smile on his face...just once...you have been happy.

The cute moment was ruined when Barty Crouch Jr hit Regulus' hand that was holding his drink knocking the liquid all over his lap. Regulus’ gaze was gone as he smacked Barty in the back of the head. You knew that you had lost him at that point, he was too busy fussing at Barty who had turned around to defend himself.

“Those two would be perfect for each other.”

Your head snapped up hearing James' voice.

“Who?”

James motioned to Regulus and Barty.

“Psycho and clueless over there.”

“That’s mean, James.”

You said with a displeased expression. James, in a very sassy manner, put his hand on his chest.

“Don’t tell me that you have come to care for him.”

You rolled your eyes.

“I never said that. You can just be mean.”

James brushed you off with a grin. He wasn’t sure what was going on in your head. If you thought for one moment that he would be okay with you crushing on Regulus Black then you had another thing coming.

“Calm down, I didn’t mean to insult your little boyfriend.”

“He isn't my boyfriend.”

You snapped, a little louder before picking up your book and smacking James shoulder with it before standing up. You didn’t realize that your comment was a little louder than you planned. Thankfully, most of the great hall had cleared out but Regulus and Evan were watching with matching grins.

Blushing, you quickly turned and walked from the great hall without another word.

The next morning, you sat in Potions waiting for Regulus to show up. You were absolutely a nervous wreck. For most of the morning, you had set up a mantra of,

“I will not make a fool out of myself. I will be sweet and charming...I’ll be my nice self...I won’t be weird….don't be weird.”

You were so lost in your thoughts that you didn’t feel Regulus sit down beside you.

“Just so you know, my friend Evan is in love with you.”

You looked up like a deer locked in a car’s headlights. Regulus was looking over at you with the same smile from the night before.

“Lord, why?”

Regulus chuckled.

“You whacked that cocky brother of yours with a book. We have been wanting to do that since 1st year.”

You nervously laughed.

“Well, I do it about once a week. Try living with him. Do me a favor and tell Evan, no. No offense but he’s a dick.”

Regulus chuckled. On the outside, he was playing cool but on the inside, he was jumping up and down with glee over the fact that you showed no interest in Evan.

“I’ve heard that a time or two.”

“He comes off as desperate and girls really don’t like that..at least I don’t.”

You commented. Regulus looked over his shoulder for Slughorn. He silently prayed the teacher wouldn't come back for some time.

“What do you like?”

Your face blushed at the question.

“Well, I suppose someone who can handle themselves without me needing to hold their hand every second of the day. A sensitive side too isn’t bad. As much as I love a good laugh...funny can’t happen all of the time. A girl wants some romance.”

Regulus nodded and thought with a smile…

I can do all of those things!

“Why do you ask?”

You choked out. Regulus shrugged.

“Just curious. Every girl seems to be different.”

“It's not like I will find anyone anyway.”

Regulus looked up at that comment.

“Why would you say something like that?”

You shrugged.

“Because that guy doesn’t exist apparently. “

You could feel Regulus’ dark eyes burning a hole right through you. He leaned back in his chair with a haughty smile that reminded you so much of his brother.

Ugh...Sirius is the last thing that I need to be thinking about right now.

You thought as Regulus finally spoke again.

“You would be surprised what you could find out there. I know that we really don’t know each other but Slughorn is having a party in a few weeks for Halloween...would you consider going with me?”

Regulus had no idea where this sudden surge of bravery came from. Internally he was panicking. What if you said no? He would have to sit beside for the rest of the semester in utter embarrassment. Of course, you were going to say no. Gryffindors didn’t date Slytherins. It just didn’t work that way…

“I’ll go with you. We may have to keep in on the down-low because of my brother...you know how he is.”

Regulus snorted.

“Like I’m really scared.”

How this conversation had gone from awkward to completely comfortable, you had no idea...but you were fine with it. Later you would probably be questioning everything but for now, you decided to go with your newfound bravery.

“I just don’t want him to give you a hard time.”

Regulus chuckled.

“Again, I’m not really concerned but if you want to keep things a little quiet for now...you know...until we figure out how we want things to go...I’m fine with that.”

“Deal.”

The following two weeks passed quickly. Unbeknownst to James and Sirius (and the rest of your friends for that matter), you had gone on two dates with Regulus. You had to congratulate yourself on James not picking up on anything. He was so busy with quidditch and getting ready for the season to start that he hadn’t noticed much of anything going on around him.

Quidditch had taken a good chunk of Regulus’ time. The two dates that you were able to have were to study together (without prying eyes) then the next one was a date on the astronomy tower. He was apologetic about not being able to give you more time but you understood. With keeping things simple there weren't a lot of expectations that either of you had to live up to. Most of the “talking” that the two of you did was through letters quietly passed in the hallways.

You were surprised at how much the two of you actually had in common. Regulus wasn’t near as cocky as Sirius. In fact, he seemed interested in most of the things that you were….the same books, songs, everything. You were thrilled that conversations between the two of you weren’t as awkward as they were the first day.

On the second date, you were convinced that Regulus was about to kiss you but he stopped. You couldn’t help but feel let down. It would have been your first kiss and damn it, you wanted it!

Calm down...it will come.

You thought over breakfast the morning of the Slytherin vs Gryffindor game. Looking over at the Slytherin table, Regulus sat in his green sweater laughing over something that Evan was saying.

Peter sitting down beside you pulled your attention away from Regulus. You reached down into your pocket for the envelope that needed to get to Regulus.

“Peter, can you do something for me?”

Peter looked up with a big smile. As much as you hated to admit it, you knew that the boy had a crush on you. You wanted to wretch at the thought. Peter had always seemed like a weakling that needed James and Sirius for protection. He definitely wasn’t a certain Slytherin who your eyes were trained on.

“Sure, what do you need, Y/n?”

You put the envelope in his hands.

“I need you to take this over to Regulus Black right now and don’t let my brother know about it. Don’t let him see you and do not tell him about it. Got it?”

Peter looked down at the envelope that had Regulus’ name written in your neat as a pin handwriting.

“Um okay. Sure.”

Peter stood up and carefully snuck his way through the groups of students. He didn’t know what was going on or what was in the envelope but it felt heavy. Why would you be sending Regulus Black something? Peter didn’t even know that the two of you were talking. The last time that he checked, James had put his foot down about Regulus.

Regulus and Evan automatically looked up when Peter came over.

“Hi, Regulus. I’m your own personal owl from over there. Y/n…”

Regulus raised an eyebrow.

“Just shut up and give me the letter, Pettigrew.”

Regulus snatched the letter out of Peter’s hand and told him to get lost. Like he was going to open whatever it was with the little rat standing in front of him. Regulus had no love lost for Peter Pettigew. Something about the boy just oozed dishonesty and Regulus wanted no part of that.

“What is it?”

Evan finally questioned. Regulus shrugged as he tore the envelope open to find no letter. Frowning, he titled it over until a locket fell out in his hand. Turning it over your initials were engraved on the front of the piece of jewelry. Regulus looked up at you with a sly smile before putting the locket on and tucking it under his sweater.

Regulus noticed Evan with a smile on his face.

“Like hell, you two have nothing going on. She sends you a locket that she always wears with her initials on it. That girl just claimed you as her property.”

Regulus couldn’t help but smile. He knew if James figured out what you did, he would be running as Regulus screaming like a maniac...but Regulus didn’t care. He didn't care what anyone had to say at the moment.

“And I am just fine with that.”

He commented before standing up. Regulus felt better about himself today than he had in a long time.

“I have a certain Gryffindor quidditch player to humiliate.”

_____

@amelie-black

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[disappearinginq]

1. Working on any stories?

2. How are you?

3. Not a question, but your photography is lovely!

1) I am, but it’s not a fanfic and it’s sort of all over the place, but one is about a half fey guy who washes up on the river shore with complete amnesia (doesn’t know who or what he is) and has to try and figure out what happened to him and why everyone seems to be trying to kill him and the second one is about a girl who is supposed to be a ghost hunter and instead accidentally raises a demon who helps her plot revenge against the people who tried to murder her. 

2) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My life has gotten very stressful lately. So stressful, I may have actually fractured my jaw clenching my teeth at night and giving myself tendinitis from sleeping so tense with my hands curled up like a fucking gremlin. Instead of being an island at work, I am now a part of a team, and I hate it, because not only am I new to the team, but the Team itself is new because my company was just sold and my two new bosses are brand new (less than a month into the company). No one has any idea what they are doing, I am the only one who really knows how to use a software system so I am getting requests for help from the whole company, not just a department, my days are now mostly begging people to stop helping me because they just make things worse AND - my sister and her three cats, her husband and his ancient dog are now living with us (in addition to my four cats and three dogs and two horses), they’re in the process of buying a house and nothing is going smoothly so it’s just stress upon stress and I have taken to watching Disney musicals (Zombies and the Descendants are the most recent) because I JUST CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE DRAMA THAT ISN’T SOLVED BY A DANCE NUMBER. 

AND NOW MY WORK COMPUTER HAS LOCKED ME AND TECH SUPPORT OUT, THAT BRAZEN HUSSY. 

but thanks for asking. 

3) Awwww, thank you! It’s my excuse lately to get out of the house and have no one bother me, and one of the very few hobbies I have that isn’t more stressful than work. 

[catnip-smuggler-radio]

Supply and Demand: Part 3

“So, Chows, are we gonna be ready to start makin’ our first couple runs in teh next few weeks?”  Tray asked as he and his one-time-time-valet-now-turned-business-partner walked slowly down a weedy, overgrown road between the wild collection of overgrown, Gridanian foliage. “On my end, we will be.” the older miqo’te commented, glancing at his younger companion.  “Once you sign off on the driver I’ve hired that is.  Otherwise, the documents for ‘Moon Shine Deliveries’ are complete, and the wagon and birds will be ready.” Tray flicked his pierced tail and grunted.  “Look, Chows, ain’t dat I don’t trust yer judgment on shit, just, I dunno.  Was a sixteen-year-old kid really teh only driver ye could find?” Tray glanced over at his grey-haired companion and the cane he used to help him along. “From what I’ve seen of his racing skills, and from our conversations, he seems to be exactly what we need:  eager, adventurous, knowledgeable on chocobos, and cheap, like our current budget.” Tray sniffed and wiggled his nose. “I know. I still need to speak with teh Khan an’ Jak ‘bout dis venture but wanted all teh cogs in place ‘fore I did.  I’m hopin’ dey’ll direct some of dem Bluesky coffers towards dis once I explain it and maybe get a solid delivery done so dey can see our profit margin.” “Well considering you implied some of the Bluesky would be acting as security for these deliveries, let’s hope you are right.”  Chows and Tray rounded a bend and could see a collections of buildings in the distance. “Speaking of your yakuza family, how did the Gothic-themed party go the other night?” Chows inquired. “Ugh.” Tray grumbled, running an hand through his dyed-black hair. 

“That well, hmmm?” Chows lightly laughed. “Yeah, dat well’.” Tray started. “I sense a ‘but’ coming on.” Chows mused. “Aye.” Tray nodded as he stepped over a fallen branch.  “Dis lass named Eiai I am acquainted with got drunk and wild.  Was a party after all, nothin’ new.  But she went steppin’ up at one of meh Bluesky family an’ things got tense. An’ I may have threatened to cut off her hand if she ever threatened on of meh people again.” “Fiery disposition.” Chows mused.  “But was to save face.” “Yeah, well based on a chat last night, sounds like I pissed some folks off.” “You? Making enemies? Noooo.”  Chows snorted, almost sarcastically as he chuckled.  “They gonna be a problem?” “The messenger I got last night implied I had burned bridges an’ if I stepped wrong, they would be one.  So meh plan is to just avoid ‘em.  Dey wanna get mad cause of drunken words an’ straight up foolishness, dat’s their waste of energy not mine.” “That’s one of the most mature and level-headed reactions I think I’ve ever heard from you, Tray.” Chows commented with mild, pleased surprise.  “Two years ago, you would have been on a war path.” “Well, I’ve done some growin’.” Tray admitted.  “An’ I got someone dat expects better out of meh den dat.” “Well, I have expected better for years.” Chows smirked. The pair of miqo’te reached the small collection of buildings and headed for a small set of stables that sat on the outside of the village.  The smell of chocobo’s hung heavy in the air as the entered.  A single wagon sat in the middle of the stables.  There were four stalls, one in each corner of the building.  Three of the stalls held a dozing chocobo.  The fourth stall was open and full of reigns, saddles, tools, and a young, red-haired miqo’te youth currently attaching a set of spurs to his boots. “Vren.” Chows greeted the young male warmly and the young miqo’te turned and fixed Tray and Chows with a sheepish grin as he quickly rose to his feet.  “Chows, I, good morning!  And you must be Mr. Estinoch.” Vren said, clearly both nervous and excited as he stood there, holding the boot in his hands.  His nervousness grew as Tray’s one, blue eye squinted at the younger man.  He could feel Tray’s gaze scanning every inch of him. Vren gave a nervous chuckle and licked his lips as Tray turned to whisper softly to Chows: “Where ye find dis kid?” Tray said, in a hushed tone. “He comes from Vesper Bay.” “Uh huh.  An’ ye clearly have noticed who he looks like...” Tray commented, glancing back at Vren. “Part of why I hired him.” “Any chance there’s a connection?”  Tray flicked his tail. “You tell me.” Chows commented casually and Tray gave him a dirty look. “I see yer game, don’t think I dont, Chows.”  Tray grows softly before turning towards Vren and took a sniff. “So, Vren.  Chows says yer a chocobo racer.” “I am, sir.”  Vren stammered, twisting the boot nervously. “Ye driven many wagons?” “Often, sir.” Vren nodded several times. “Ever been in a fight?”  Tray asked.  Vren seemed a little surprised. “A few, sir.” “Ever killed a man?” Tray cocked his head. “What, no!” Vren blinked in surprise. “Been arrested for any crime?”  Tray’s eye grew more intense. Vren shook his head.  Tray grimaced and looked at Chows.  He was about to speak but Vren interjected. “Sir, look I know that you’re a mostly legitimate business that’s planning on using it to move moko down south.  Chows told me.  I understand I’m not your ideal candidate, but I can make any run faster then any other driver and can tend to the birds better then anyone else.” Tray paused, looked back at the youth with his mismatched eyes and red hair and then winced as he looked away. “Chows, he can tend to the birds. Pay him for that. But I’m not putting a child on these drives when he could get hurt an’-” “Sir, I am not  a child!”  Vren exclaimed.  “Sir, please.  I have no where else to go and need this!  Chows said he’d sponsor my racing in exchange for making these runs.  I’m not even making gil off of this work.  Please, let me do this!”  Tray refused to look at the boy as he looked towards Chows. “He can do this.” Chows said, having clearly taken a liking to the boy.  “He can make our runs -and- help us launder like we planned with his races.” “He’s a child. One who is potentially in harms way in the driver’s seat.” Tray warned. “And you weren’t when you where harpooning whales at his age?” Chows reminded Tray of his own youth.  “I won’t risk another Yimir situation.” Tray hissed.  “Then see too it he has guards on his deliveries.”  Chows replied sternly.  “You hired me to run things here while you do your duties to Bluesky, and I hired this man to do a job and -will- use him.  So you want to see him protected?  Do your part.” Tray paused.  It wasn’t often Chows’ got stern and put his foot down. He was normally willing to let Tray run about freely.  But when Chows did bring out his old, military bearing, Tray knew there was no changing the older man’s mind. “Anything happens to him, dis is on ye.” Tray clicked his tongue as he looked back at Vren, who was still holding his boot, both defiant and nervous. “Alright, kid.”  Tray ran his tongue over his teeth, studying Vren’s features one last time.  “Ye get -one- trial run.  Ye fuck it up, ye come off teh wagon and stay here tendin’ to teh birds.  Understood?” Vren nodded his head too fast to speak and Chows tried not to laugh at how comical it was.  Tray grunted and exited the stables to give Chows and Vren time to talk. Once outside, Tray went for his moko pipe but paused.  He looked down at the pipe in his hand, and then put it away.  He needed to think, not blur.  He had to talk to Jak,and get some guards on the delivery.  It was no longer an options.  He wasn’t about to have the blood of another kid on his hands. Especially one that looked like Vren did.

[plusultrabitchez]

I Will Run To You Chapter 2: Just Talk To Her

It was lunchtime at UA. The cafeteria was crowded and noisy as usual. Shinsou poked at his food and watched the hoards of students come in and out as he sat with his friend Haru Imada. Imada was also in general studies with Shinsou but was looking to work his way into the support course.

"Hey Shinsou." Shinsou blinked a few times after being snapped back to reality and quirked a brow at Imada. "Mmm?" "Your girlfriend just walked in." Imada grinned and nodded to the main entrance. Shinsou perked up and turned around to see Kubo walking into the cafeteria followed by that electricity kid and that tape kid from class 1A. She was talking and laughing with them as they walked over to order food. Shinsou sighed as he felt his heart flutter at the sight of her. It should be illegal to be that pretty.

"She's not my girlfriend." Shinsou muttered as he tore his eyes away from her to slump back down in his seat. "We worked together in the Calvary battle and talked once since then." Imada rolled his eyes. "Yeah, and she offered to train you. Why haven't you taken her up on the offer yet? It's been almost 2 weeks dude." Imada shoved more rice in his mouth while he stared Shinsou down.

He shrugged as doubt overtook him. "I don't know. She was probably just being nice." Imada rolled his eyes. "Even if she was 'just being nice' a lot of Hero course hopefuls would kill to train with her. She's one of the best fighters in the whole school." Shinsou sighed and gave up trying to eat his food. "If she was just being nice I don't want to waste her time." That was only part of the reason he hadn't taken her up on the offer to train. The main reason was so stupid and was too embarrassed to admit it. But unfortunately for Shinsou, Imada was a human lie detector. "You're so full of shit Shinsou." Imada said throwing a balled up napkin at him. He chuckled. "Completely."

Shinsou looked back over to Kubo who was several tables over sitting with a bunch of dudes from her class. She had a ton of food on her tray and was going to town making her cheeks resemble a chipmunk. Shinsou let a soft smile creep onto his face as he watched her. "She's so damn cute." His thoughts were broken by Imada chopping him on the head. "Oh my god just talk to her you dingus!" Imada groaned. "I'm sick of you staring at her every day and not saying anything. You already know you two have a bunch in common so why won't you train with her?"

Shinsou scowled at his friend. "Okay fine! It's because I don't know shit about fighting." Imada rolled his eyes. "No shit Sherlock! That's the whole point of training with her!" Shinsou let out a frustrated sigh and ran his hands through his hair. "Ooooohhhh, I get it." Imada smirked at his friend as things clicked together in his head. "You're afraid you'll embarrass yourself."

Shinsou buried his face in his hands while Imada cackled. "Eh, I can't say I blame you. You are shit at fighting and she's super hot." "Wow, you're really good at that whole 'reassuring your friend' thing. I feel sooooo much better." Shinsou said flicking him off. "Haha! Alright alright, how about this? I took Judo classes in middle school. Maybe I can teach you a few things that I remember." Shinsou perked up. "R-really?" Imada held up a finger. "Only if you agree you'll fucking talk to her. The whole 'pining for a girl across the room' thing is getting old." . . ~Your POV~ The last bell rang and everyone was gathering up their things to go home. It was Friday night so you planned to do all your homework that evening and then have the rest of the weekend free. Of course, the only plans you had were to train and marathon X-Files all weekend, alone, as usual.

You were walking to the door when you heard someone call your name. "Kubo! Wait up!" Uraraka ran up to you looking flustered with Tsu following close behind. You stopped and stepped out of the way so you wouldn't block the doorway. "Hey guys. What's up?" "You're good with all these hero laws right?" She asked twiddling her thumbs. You nodded and smiled sheepishly. "Yeah, I have a decent grasp on them." You had pretty much all of them memorized, but you didn't want to seem big headed. "We were wondering if you would be willing to help us out?" "Yeah, we're struggling a little bit." Tsu added. You were taken back for a moment. They wanted you of all people to help them? "Yeah, sure! If you guys want you can come over to my place to study." Uraraka and Tsu beamed at you. "That'd be great!"

Your face lit up. You were relatively friendly with everyone in your class, but this would be the first time you hung out with anyone outside of school. "Oh! We should make it a sleepover since it's Friday night!" Uraraka suggested and hopped up and down. "If that's okay with you?" You were in shock. Not only were you going to hang out outside of school but have a sleepover. "Oh fuck, what are you supposed to do at those? Should I ask?"

"Kubo? Are you okay?" Tsu asked. Her question snapped you out of your inner panic. "Ugh yeah! Um it'll be great! Just let me call my dad and give him a heads up. I can send you my address." You frantically got your phone out of your pocket and sent your addresses to them. "Perfect! We'll run home and grab our stuff and be over around 6?" "Yeah! Umm okay. Uh yes! Good." You were blubbering and visibly frantic which was a drastic change from your normal calm demeanor. "I'll get all the stuff that um, you have at a sleepover. You know, summoning circles and...." you searched their confused faces for any clues as to what the fuck happened at sleepovers. "....ponies?"

Uraraka and Tsu exchanged looks. "Um, Kubo?" "Yes?" You asked trying to play it cool and clutching your phone for dear life. "Have you...ever had a sleepover?" Tsu asked.

"Busted." Your posture became timid and you looked down at your feet. "No...." "God they must think I'm the biggest loser now." "Oh my god! We should go all out!" You perked up and quirked an eyebrow at them. They were...excited? "I can bring snacks!" Tsu said with a sweet smile. "And I can bring some movies!" Uraraka chimed in. A soft smile overtook your face. "Wait, so is that a yes or no to the summoning circle?"

The three of you walked to the front gates of the school and ended up going opposite directions. You had about a 15 minute walk to your train stop to get home. You put your earbuds in and scrolled through your phone and turned on some music then texted your dad.

(Y/N) Hey Dad! I have some classmates coming over tonight at 6 for a sleepover. I hope that's okay.

Kaito: THAT'S WONDERFUL! I'LL GO OUT AND GET YOU GUYS SOME SNACKS AND ORDER SOME PIZZA! OH! I CAN MAKE COOKIES AND SEVEN LAYER DIP!

(Y/N): But one of my friends said she would bring food.

Kaito: NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH JUNK FOOD AT A SLUMBER PARTY! I'M SO HAPPY YOU'RE MAKING FRIENDS SWEETHEART!

You suddenly felt a hand tap you on your shoulder which activated your fighting reaction. You grabbed the hand on your shoulder and applied a rotational wristlock. You gasped as you realized who was attached to the hand. "Oh my god!" You promptly let go of his wrist. "Shinsou I'm so sorry!"

He gave you an apologetic smile through his wince as he rubbed his wrist. "Hey Kubo, it's okay. Sorry I didn't mean to scare you. I called out to you, but I guess you didn't hear me." He gestured to your earbuds which had fallen out.

"Here let me." You said extending your hands to Shinsou. He quirked an eyebrow at you extended his arm, giving you access to his wrist. You gently took it and started applying pressure. Your touch made his stomach flip. You were a lot stronger than you looked, but you were gentle and precise with your movements. His expression softened as he watched you focus on applying pressure to just the right spot.

"There's a pressure point in your wrist call the TW5, applying pressure can help relieve wrist pain, rheumatism, and tendinitis."

"You're going to have to teach me that one." He chuckled.

You laughed as you continued to apply pressure. "The wristlock or the pressure point?"

"Both would be incredibly helpful." He smiled and rubbed his neck with his free hand.

"Well, I'll make sure these are the first things I teach you." You released his wrist and smiled at him.

"Oh wow..." He stretched he hand out to find it pain-free. "Thanks. You're amazing."

You gave him a shy smile as your cheeks heated up. "You're welcome, it's the least I can do."

He gulped and took a deep breath trying to summon courage. His heart was racing. "So uh, I wanted to see if you were still up for training with me?"

"Oh fuck yeah! When did you want to start?" You gave him a big smile and bounced on your heels with excitement. You thought for sure that he had just agreed to train with you because he was just trying to be nice.

"Fuck why is she so cute?"

"Would next Monday after school be okay?"

You smiled and nodded. "Sounds good!"

There was now silence between you. "So I uh, I gotta head to the train station." You said and pointed in the direction you were headed.

"Oh yeah sure. I'm actually going that way too." Shinsou said putting his hands in his pockets. "Do you..want to walk together?"

Your stomach was filled with butterflies. "Yeah, I'd like the company."

Shinsou smiled at you and you two started walking. Your size difference was almost comical. Shinsou took one of your earbuds that had fallen out earlier. "What are you listening to?" He asked as he brought it to his ear.

"All in this whole world now has been, already too controlled and you can't run away. Even the place one will live and die so that nobody wants to defy anymore."

"Oh damn, I didn't know you liked My First Story." Shinsou said.

"Oh, you like them too? That's awesome!" You smiled at him as you put the other earbud in. The two of you had to walk pretty close to each other so your earbuds would stay in place, but you didn't mind and neither did Shinsou. "What's your favorite song by them?" You asked.

Shinsou thought for a moment. "Hard to say. I really like Smash Out and Winner, but my all time favorite so far is Missing You."

"Yeah me too. I know it's one of their more 'mainstream' songs, but it's so fucking good."

Shinsou smiled at you. "So...what other bands do you like?"

The two of you discussed your favorite bands and were pleasantly surprised that you had the same taste in music. Whichever bands you didn't know of you jotted down to listen to and same for Shinsou. It was so easy it was to talk to him. Your stomach was filled with butterflies and your heart was racing the entire walk. This was a foreign feeling. You had never really liked someone this much before. You reached the station and you both sat on a bench while you waited for your train. Shinsou was bummed that his time with you would be over soon.

"So you're checking out Crossfaith." You said pointing at Shinsou. "And you're checking out Ice Nine Kills." Shinsou said pointing at you. "I'll let you know what I think on Monday." You smiled at him as you tucked your hair behind your ear. Shinsou was so taken with you. He had a blip of courage and decided to take a risk. "Or you could text me over the weekend." You were trying to remember to breathe and that screaming in excitement would be fucking weird so you opted to just smile and nod. "I'd like that."

He let out the breathe he was holding in and handed you his unlocked phone. As you input your info he got a text notification. You tried not to look at it so as to not invade his privacy, but you accidentally read it before it disappeared.

Imada: Dude! Did you talk to your girlfriend yet?

Your heart sank. Of course, Shinsou had a girlfriend. It was stupid of you to think otherwise. He was really smart, nice, insanely handsome, and had incredible passion and drive. You finished putting in your info and handed his phone back to him as your train pulled in. You plastered a fake smile on your face and stood up. "Well, this is my ride. Thanks for the music recommendations!"

Shinsou noticed a change in your behavior. It was very subtle and he couldn't quite put his finger on it, but something was just...different. Maybe he was just imagining it. "Uh Yeah, same. Let me know what you think."

"Will do! Have a good weekend Shinsou! See ya Monday!" You gave him a quick wave and a smile as you hopped through the train doors. Shinsou waved back. "You too! See ya!" After your train was gone Shinsou walked to the platform where he would catch his train. He looked at your contact info in his phone and smiled. He was overwhelmed with excitement and couldn't help doing a little fist pump and a little victory dance. He immediately stopped once he realized he was in a crowded train station and was getting weird looks. He cleared his throat as he composed himself.

He checked his notifications as he waited for his train. He read the message from Imada and his heart skipped a beat. "She didn't see that did she?" He checked the time stamp and it came in around the time you were putting in your info. Shinsou groaned. "Goddamnit Imada." . . . "Dad! I'm home!" You called out as you slipped off your shoes and put your backpack down by the front door.

"(Y/N)! IN THE KITCHEN!" You dad called out. His deep voice booming through the house.

You started walking to the kitchen only to stop in shock of what he had done to the living room. He clearly had a successful shopping trip. The furniture was pushed out of the way and the floor was covered in futons, fluffy pillows, and fuzzy blankets. He had made little gift baskets for your guests filled with toiletries and other goodies.

"Dad?" You questioned as you continued into the kitchen. "Da fuck is all that?"

Kaito turned around and gave you an intimidating look. It didn't work since he was covered in flour, wearing a pink polka dot apron and had a mixing bowl full of cookie dough in his hands.

You smirked. "Sorry." You cleared your throat and stood up straight. "Da hell is all that?"

Kaito smiled. "BETTER!" He set down the mixing bowl and wiped his hands on his apron. You quirked your brow at him as you eyed all the food that was on the counter. There was chips, at least 3 different dips, a fruit and veggie tray, pretzels, candy. He was going all out.

"Is this..." You gestured to the food before you. "...normal?"

"INDEED! YOU MUST HAVE A PLETHORA OF SNACK OPTIONS!" He rolled the cookie dough in his hands to make little balls and placed them on a cookie sheet. "IT'S YOUR FIRST SLEEPOVER! I WANT EVERYTHING TO BE PERFECT FOR YOU AND YOUR FRIENDS!"

"So uh, what exactly do you do at one of these things?" You grabbed a handful of pretzels and began to munch nervously. "The only thing I know of sleepovers is what I've seen in horror movies and I didn't get much of a reaction when I mentioned summoning circles."

Kaito let out a hearty laugh. "NO MY DEAR! THAT'S ONLY FOR HALLOWEEN SLEEPOVERS!" He said with a wink making you laugh. "CUSTOMARILY YOU WILL EAT TOO MUCH JUNK FOOD, SHARE SECRETS, PAINT YOUR NAILS, AND STAY UP TOO LATE WATCHING ROMANTIC COMEDIES AND CHICK FLICKS."

You crinkled your nose at that last one. "Yowza. I'm not the biggest fan of the romcoms or chick flicks, but I'll give it a whirl." "THAT'S THE SPIRIT! WHO ALL IS COMING?" "It's just Tsu and Uraraka. They're both really nice and have super cool quirks." You told your dad all about your friends as you helped him prepare the food. It was getting closer to the time they were supposed to arrive so Kaito decided to order the pizzas. "YOU GO GET READY FOR YOUR FRIENDS. I GOT THIS!" He said with a thumbs up.

"Thanks, dad. You're the best." Kaito smiled and gave you a big hug with his free hand. "OF COURSE MY DEAR! ANYTHING FOR YOU!"

You retrieved your bag from the front door and went to your room. You tossed your bag on the bed and went to your dresser to get some sweatpants and a comfy T-shirt. Your looked up at the mirror over your dresser and eyed the faint scar on your hairline. You lightly traced it with your fingers and let out a defeated sigh. "Even if he didn't have a girlfriend why the hell would he be interested in you?" You gulped down the gross feelings you had and got changed. Tonight wasn't a night for feeling sad. You were about to have your first sleepover with some truly wonderful people, tonight was a night to be happy. *DING-DONG*

[discloseddesire]

You, were the definition of a winters morning, a summers day, a spring afternoon and an autumn evening all rolled into one. You were rain beating against a bedroom window and unsteady heartbeats wrapped in hoodies. You were the heat we felt when we argued and the fire from the bush that ended with me on top of you for more than one occasion. You were allergies in the best way from hay fever that plagued me for a week straight, runny nose and all. You were evenings before I had to be picked up by my dad and the warm hugs and the offers to stay for dinner ever so occasionally.

It's like all the seasons hit me at once the moment we stopped.

I felt the cold. The bitterness of the air in my bedroom because I left the window open while I slept with the covers still placed perfectly on my bed. I felt the rain on my cheeks and the wind was almost wishing me to whirl away, like thistle does when you make a wish and blow. like a birthday candle.

I felt the burn of the shame on my face as I told my mother and father what had happened. I felt the heat rise up in my palms and the searing hot pain in my throat that still has yet to leave, like third degree burns on my already singed heart. I felt the fire that was once in my belly reduced to nothing but coal.

I felt the allergies. They were red noses and red eyes and stepping on pretty flowers on purpose as I walked around the neighbourhood, crying behind my sunglasses and my reese's peanut butter cup that was way too sweet for my liking. I felt the spring sun on my skin and I badly wanted to turn into a flower and wilt away on the side of the path. like a pathetic dandelion that could only live for so long.

I felt the autumn today. It's technically Spring but today was a mix of Winter and Autumn rolled into one. Car rides are a peculiar thing when the wind blows the tiny car down the street like it's running away from all its problems, we were heading north after all. I wished for the leaves to crunch under my sneakers, but instead I got one stuck to my foot that wouldn't let go, and a leaf blew in from the partly open window on to my shoulder like a pity clap on the back.

Nobody knows what to say to me anymore. I wake up from a sleep that I didn't even endure to my mother opening my door (I sleep with it closed now.) and asking me how I'm doing, and whether I want a cup of tea or not. I kind of just look at her from the right side of my bed, my entire body pressed against the wall while the wind shook my window, rain hitting the roller shutter. She pots to get me a cup of tea and I leave it sitting there for several minutes, I don't even check my phone. Nobody's messaged me. Nobody would.

My brother had his first day of high school without me today and he told my mother that it made him feel like an only child. I wish I had've left a legacy with the school. It feels wrong to send him through the gates without joining him, humming the last song on the radio and him telling me to shut up and that I'm embarrassing enough.

My dad tells me the cold hard truth in between car trips that last ten minutes while I sob in the passenger seat holding a cup tray full of sprite, coke and fanta. My dad doesn't tell me that it's going to be okay anymore, he doesn't even give me a pat on the back. He tells me that I'm too good for everybody and that nobody is good enough for me except myself. I don't entirely believe him, he's stoned after all.

We took my nan to a podiatrist today and my mother took me in to look at the orthotic flip flops. I immediately picked the teal ones, and when I looked up the lady looked me into my eyes and just did a sympathy smile. Like I don't need any more sympathy when I'm walking around like an old woman at the age of 17 with greasy hair and a tshirt that I keep repeatedly wearing because I never wore it to your house. Maybe it's because my beanie says 'SLACKER' in old writing and that the beanie is bright red but I'm willing to take it into consideration that she did pity me. I pity myself.

My nan is a woman of few words. Mainly because she's short of hearing, can barely see and is rather forgetful but she is the strongest woman I know on the planet. Fuck Beyoncé and Malala Yousafai as role models, my nan is what is keeping me strong. She's been alive since the early 40's and she finally this year has learnt how to use touch screen on an Ipad. I sat in the back of her car today on a crocheted fremantle dockers blanket she had made as cushioning for her car. She likes football. I sat in the backseat and barely said a word as I read my book about angels and demons and what I described to be a love square. My nan pipes up and asked me if I'd kicked anybody in the face yet. My mother nearly lost control of the car. I told her no, and she seemed disappointed. Like I was a main character in Kill Bill and that it was my task to destroy everybody who had ever done me wrong in my entire life but that, would be a pathetically long list. When we returned to drop her home she asked me if I would ever sit on her piano stool again and try to play her a song on her completely out of tune piano. She knows that she has boxes upon boxes stacked around the piano and that a South African family with a young toddler live next door and would probably prefer not to hear a faulty old piano. I said that if she ever moves the piano out of her house, that I will play the best song that I can think of for her. She wants me to play Elvis.

My mother has finally agreed with me that I do in fact need urgent medical attention to my ankle. Posterior tibial tendinitis with all of the severe symptoms being ticked off the list means surgery. I've never had surgery before. I'm actually quite horrified of the entire idea of it. What if I wake up from the anaesthesia? What if i can feel them removing parts of my body and scraping away unwanted tissue? It terrifies me. So a trip to the doctors is necessary before I cannot walk anymore. It's already caused the muscle and definition in my calf to disintegrate. It doesn't look right in the mirror, it's too straight. Like my entire leg is collapsing into my ankle, and my ankle is quicksand or something.

I haven't got what I'm wearing for the valedictory ceremony downpacked just yet. I'm finally off school but yet I still feel ridiculously busy even though I'm doing absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing consists of minimal showering and bed sheets that are starting to look a little gross from the amount of times I have accidentally spilt food on them. It's me complaining about the internet quality and how all I want to do is watch something or listen to something but I can't so I sit and play Subway Surfer and CandyCrush until the internet speed recovers and I no longer feel reduced to my bedsheets. I think there's a mould of me in my bed, shaped in the curve of my spine by now. I wish there was a mould the shape of you in my bed instead of my heart. Maybe i'd feel less empty.

Empty doesn't necessarily mean sad. I feel dulled. I feel like somebody's dimmed the lights on my personality and then jammed it on the lowest power setting until further notice. Maybe I should place a sticker on my shirt or forehead that says "I'm having a rough time and I'm not who I used to be, sorry". I'm only reading my pathetic romantic fantasy novels out of boredom, not out of curiosity for the actual storyline. Writing this is hard, writing used to feel like nothing. Remember when I used to write to you? Late at night? You'd open them in the morning and I'd feel like a parent who'd just given their child a piece of candy before breakfast. A little worried but still happy. There's just so much that I could be doing with my life but I'm not flinching at jumpscares that I would normally flinch at, not laughing at jokes that need to be laughed at, and not having  any consideration for anything anymore, not even myself or others.

That's one of my faults, after all. No consideration for others, absolutely none I say to myself as I scroll through all the times that I did have significant consideration and care for other people. I'm too sad, I think. Now. I'm like a fuckin' tap most of the time. I think I'm desensitised right now or something because I'm still not crying even though I wished to. I wish that crying would plant flowers in the gaps of where you left, but salt causes droughts for flowers, and waiting for a quick fix is like waiting in the middle of Africa for it to snow. It would be the equivalent of me asking you to come back again, pointless and just plain fucking sad. Good on you Maddy. You're crying.

[star-trekkin-across-theuniverse]

ABCs

I was tagged by @youre-on-a-starship, @kaitymccoy123 and @starshiphufflebadger for this ABC thing. I was totally going to avoid it because of the first question, but since THREE of you tagged me ;)

A - age: Ancient. Life, the Universe and Everything birthday coming up in August.

B - biggest fears: Ducks. Mucus. Puking. I feel like I maybe need to explain. I’m fucking terrified of ducks. They’re called irrational fears for a reason, so don’t ask why. I doubt I’ve ever met a nurse who isn’t completely squicked out my mucus. I found out today my Doctor is too, as he recoiled in anguish from me as I described some of the joy in my son over the last week. And I just... I would rather gnaw my own arm off than puke. I don’t know if that counts as a fear, but there you go.

C - current time: 2254

D - drink you last had: coke zero

E - every day starts with: coffee

F - favorite song: ever? 39 - Queen

G - ghosts, are they real?  I dunno. But I know this much: whenever we have a death at work, there’s a race to open the fucking window and let the spirit out. Superstitious? You betcha.

H - hometown: North Vancouver

I - in love with: my kids. I would seriously fucking murder for them.

J - jealous of: people who don’t have the plagues of egypt visiting their houses.

K - killed someone: No. I vote we pick a new question for K. This one creeps me out because it makes me recall past med errors.

L - last time you cried: I got all verklempt yesterday, but I haven’t had a real cry since before my Mum died. Wait, that’s not true. I lost my shit at some point after Christmas about the mess in the house and became a crying snotfactory.

M - middle name: It’s super rare, so I’m not sharing it. Since I started the riddles up in A though, I’ll give you a clue: It’s Biblical. It’s OT. You can find it in Numbers. In Chapter 3.

N - number of siblings: 1. 

O - one wish:  to see my children make it through this fucked up world okay.

P - pers n you last called/texted: Both: Dad

Q - questions you’re always asked: "You’re HOW old?” and “Is that your natural hair colour?”

R - reasons to smile: The ridiculously expensive anti-emetic that I love to have hidden for when gastro rips through my house is now a) available in generic at 1/4 the price and b) covered by my benefits plan which makes it 1/4 the price of the generic. BOOYA.

S - song last sang: Seriously? God Save the Queen (I was at an activity with my girl. As the flag is recessed, that’s what you sing)

T - time you woke up: This morning? 0630. But then because I’d also been up for an hour with the boy at 0300, I went back to bed until his doctor’s appointment.

U - underwear color: I think they are pink? mauve? I don’t know, it’s dark in here.

V - vacation destination: I always assume this means I have unlimited finances and unlimited vacation time. I’m spending a month in the UK. Then I’m going to Boston again. Then SDCC. Then New Zealand because there are fewer things that will kill me there than there are in Australia. Then I’m coming home and taking the train across Canada. Then I’m taking the whole family back to Disneyland. We’ll probably go to Disneyworld too just for shits and giggles. And do Universal Orlando and see which Harry Potter thing is better.

W - worst habit: eating my feelings. chewing the skin off my lips when I am stressed. 

X - x-rays had: Oh boy. Uh... My entire body has been x-rayed, at least once. I’ve sprained both ankles enough (and twice fractured one) that they’ve both been x-rayed at least 6 times each. Knees like you wouldn’t believe (Osgood-Schlatters, PFS), hips, spine (bus wreck), chest (pneumonia x 2), neck, shoulders, head (same bus wreck), elbows, wrists and hands (tendinitis)

Y - favourite food: Cheese? My Mum made a wicked lasagna. Pumpkin pie.

Z - zodiac sign: Leo/Virgo cusp. (no, really, it’s a thing. And if we’re going to subscribe to zodiacs, let’s at least allow that I am truly super cuspy)

tagging: @medicatemedrmccoy, @from-kitten-to-kitsune, @bkwrm523, @lurkch, @wonders-of-the-enterprise