#this started as an actual post but appears to have devolved into. idk.

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

Having Thoughts tonight on. Hmm. Horror, and loneliness, and the appeal of hurt/comfort or angst fan/fiction generally

Why do I enjoy seeing pain and suffering in fiction, when I have endured and continue to endure it myself? Shouldn't I be seeking real comfort and joy, a world in which suffering does not exist in the first place? Shouldn't I be seeking to protect characters fictional or otherwise from my own experiences, rather than inflicting the same or worse? Why is there catharsis in pain.

Why do I force my imaginary construct through the worst experiences I can imagine, when I ultimately want nothing more for them to be happy? Is it the journey? Is happiness something that needs to be earned? Of course not, so why do I feel like it is? Why am I unsatisfied with saccharine, when the spice of torment is already so familiar?

Is it seeing myself? Is it creating a whole new person, who has lived so much worse than I and yet continues fighting and hoping? I don't know anymore but god damn is it compelling to watch.

[thedeliverygod]

Thoughts on recent chapters

I feel like it's been a while since I've made a longer post and I've just sort of shouted about a few random things here and there and I slept most of this afternoon so I have energy to spare lol

Firstly we start with... that. Hiyori. Where do we go from here?

A lot of people have looked into this and I pretty much agree with most takes.

Yato makes her his shinki. But it comes with a bag of questions now that we know a gods greatest secret is survivable per Nana and Kazuma (Yukine & Nora I consider outliers because they have names given by the koto no ha which sort of seals off their ayakashi devolving process--though I do think at this point even if the name Hagusa were removed Yukine would be fine. Nora it's a bit harder to speculate because this has always been her situation). Hiyori is known to multiple gods and shinki throughout heaven. Her very existence makes the gods greatest secret a giant problem unless Yato keeps her away from, well, pretty much everyone except gods and the shinki listed above. Because there's no standard way to know for sure if a shinki will be able to handle to knowledge; because it *is* survivable doesn't mean they will survive it.

Deification. If Tenjin can be deified because he has anger issues then Hiyori can be deified too for better reasons. Honestly. I don't know what it would take to make this happen but @pentamerous brought up the fact about her and Yato's emas being tied and blessed by Okuninushi so idk if that could be factored into this equation maybe?

The "bad" ending-- Hiyori is just dead and no far shore methods are used to 'revive' her. In this scenario I see Grandma Iki being fucking pisseddddd that Hiyori died literally a few days after her and being like wtf are you doing here??? lol. But that's just me and my comedic relief speaking.

Hiyori isn't actually dead because everything in Father's "new world" is an illusion.

The 4th option is tricky but I believe it holds validity. I made a post a while back I think Father's new world sort of strips everyone down to how they view them selves/their deepest insecurities/their most basic form if that makes sense. At least that's theory 1.

This is why Yato is a child (he often views himself as a child in his most insecure moments, relating back to the awful crimes he committed as a kid, but also for emotionally insecure moments such as realizing other humans would be the ones to 'truly' save Hiyori after the hospital incident.) This is why Nora is in her sort of 'snake' form that she hates.

Yukine is an outlier though which I've brought up before. Clearly he's an ayakashi wolf but why is he suddenly a wolf? In his 2 ablutions and and before he was named by Father, he was transforming into a sort of bat/bird type of ayakashi. While he was battling with Yato under his name of Hagusa, however, he did sort of start a wolf transformation and we all made cat boy jokes until his wolf form appeared more recently.

Theory 2 is that literally everything in this "new world" of Father's is under his control and all the visuals are to match. Which sort of matches to what he says despite the fact he says he can't totally make it "bend to his will". He sees Yato as the child he can manipulate. He sees Nora as the ayakashi girl he 'saved' but has outgrown his use for. Yukine he also saw as another one of his tools, much like the wolf ayakashi Father seems to favor, so maybe that's where the wolf form came from? Though that doesn't quite explain the partial transformation before but -shrug-. Of course he wants to see Kaya and he *does* but she's a mangled yomi version of herself, aka not what he wants. But she's long dead.

As Yato is talking with Father about Kaya and sort of trying to understand/reason with him, Father transitions into hinting towards talking about Hiyori. "Who do you see Izanami as?" and then mentions that she's somehow there and that he should be "happy to get to see her. However, as this is happening, Father is sort of manipulating a wave of water which is what reveals Hiyori and the Sakura tree she's under.

The question is, is she really there? Is he able to use her image accurately because she's still alive if it is an illusion? If it's not an illusion, is there some sort of rules that can be broken/amended in terms of bringing Hiyori back to life without pissing off Amaterasu/Heaven? After all, Father's "new world" is not exactly yomi, heaven, or Earth. And we know Father has basically broken all of heaven's rules to begin with.

Lastly, we have the topic of Yato's reaction. We were teased with his aramitama when Yukine was in the box. Now Hiyori is "dead" and Yukine is half dissolved into the ground. I think it's only fair father has the 'monster' he created turned back on him tbh but I also don't want Yukine to see Yato acting like a demon for lack of better words since they just made up and the poor kid is traumatized enough.

bonus question: where the fuck is Bishamon because her twin pistol shinki (Kazuha and Karuha) are fighting the weird ayakashi in the most recent chapter with the god squad and their shinki???

and she specifically only had Kuraha and Kinuha when she was calling out for Kazuma and reunited with him. And it's weird for her youngest shinki to just be by themselves????? the only reasoning I can think of is Amaterasu literally summoned all the damn shinki from heaven when it was raining shinki in the earlier chapter but maybe Bishamon will literally be on the next page or so in the 2nd part of the chapter and it will make sense given that context.

[kjmsupremacist]

Felix sweet boy baby angel but Christopher Bang is literally Satan? Idk if you saw but Hyunjin ratted him out on live and said the lyrics for Red Light were toned down. I don’t want to know. I don’t. He was already talking about edging and I don’t want to know. He can keep his Scorpio Venus and his Sag Mars away from me and everyone I love. I would give anything to know his rising if sign. It’s giving Earth but there’s so much air in his chart it’s hard to be sure. 🤖

i am so happy you sent me this ask because i have been looking for an excuse to talk about red lights. I sent leon and margot a seven minute long voice message when i was doing my research for my red lights-inspired fic like that's where i'm at.

First, yes, I saw Hyunjin's comments! that's what chris gets for trying to say hyunjin wrote all the lyrics in the first place. nice try, chris. also, his scorpio venus is SEXY. i won't be taking criticism on this opinion.

Now. Please see under the cut if you want to watch me dissect Red Lights -- both the lyrics and the MV.

so, credit where credit's due--I skimmed this and this reddit posts while I was doing my research.

now. we all know that on the surface, this song is about sex (and specifically bondage and edging—that much is clear). but, ah, how's the saying go? "everything is about sex except for sex, which is about power"? sure.

yeah, it's meant to be sexy. they did that for us and im still not sure if I want to kill them for it or thank them with my life. BUT, as they mentioned in the howl in harmony video, it's primarily a song about obsession.

The first reddit post does a great (albeit kind of aggressive) breakdown of the lyrics, where it becomes really clear that they're talking about the relationship they have with their work and the relationship they have with fans. In essence, the song is about how they want to give their lives and all their time to making more content for fans so that they will continue to receive love from us. The red lights are actually the recording light on a camera (hence the line “set the mic up”).

And so a relationship like the one depicted here is dark and intense, and yes—passionate and driven by love—but ultimately, it consumes itself in the vortex of its own desire, and then peters out into a sort of blank monotony—learned through repetition, a habitual reflex instead of a true reaction.

Then, the second reddit post goes on a deep dive of some of the symbolism seen in the MV—specifically, the use of kink. This is where it gets really fun.

We mostly see Hyunjin in shibari-style bondage. OP posits (and I agree) that he is meant to represent passion without discipline. The shibari ropes are tied messily (and so therefore dangerously) which is perfect for representing how often kink (and other obsessions) can devolve—you plunge in headfirst, but you are directionless except for the insistent tug in your gut that cries for more, more.

Chan, on the other hand, is seen primarily (esp in solo scenes) bound by heavy chains. He represents discipline with no passion. In the Howl in Harmony video, I believe he mentions that after a long day of practice, he'll still find himself in the recording studio, even though he's tired. He does what he has to on autopilot, because he knows he must, because it’s the only thing he feels he can do.

If Hyunjin is mania, then Chan is depression. The chains are GREAT symbolism because this dutiful march towards burnout and beyond is, as the lyrics suggest, stemming from a desire to keep receiving love (from fans)—that if you just work hard enough then no one will ever leave you. You wish to bind the person (or people) you love to you, but in the end the bonds only weigh you down.

So then the part where they’re tied together, back to back, at the end, shows when passion and discipline come into balance. And that’s creation for the love of creation while still maintaining a respect for yourself, the art, and your audience. (or idk. maybe they just thought we'd like to see them tied to one another. and they were right).

It's also fun because while we see Hyunjin and Chan both assume positions of domination and submission, it's clear Chan is meant to be the “dominant force” here (hence discipline). The reason we do see instances of Hyunjin in power (choking Chan, standing over him on the table) is because any somewhat healthy d/s relationship involves first the surrender of power. The dom is only perceived to be in power because the sub first relinquishes it them. So. You know.

I will say I'm not sure what to say about the edging theme (BNKSJDF) besides the obvious—almost giving you what you want, but not quite.

And finally, this is not part of either of those two reddit posts, but I was ENTHRALLED by the use of mirror and mirror-esque imagery throughout the MV and in the choreo. I love mirrors as a symbol so we're going to talk about that, too.

First and most obviously, it may be a bit on the nose. In art, mirrors and reflections are often used to show that there is a deeper meaning than what is clear on the surface. So this might have just been hyunchan going "hey! it's not just about sex!"

but I think there's more to it than that. Mirrors are often used as a vessel of truth—in some Chinese myths, for example, mirrors can repel demons, as they will show a demon’s true form. Or see the Little Mermaid—though Ursula managed to change her outward appearance, she was caught in her lie when another character (sebastian, i think?) saw her reflection in the mirror.

Additionally, one’s reflection used to be thought to contain one’s soul—which is why mirrors were covered in the home of person who had just passed, so they would not be trapped as a ghost in the world of the living.

For this reason, mirrors are often also considered dangerous. Think of Narcissus, for a start, who fell in love with his own reflection and sat at the water's edge, pining, until he fucking died. Or consider the following quote (which I love) from Fernando Pessoa:

“Man shouldn’t be able to see his own face – there’s nothing more sinister. Nature gave him the gift of not being able to see it, and of not being able to stare into his own eyes. Only in the water of rivers and ponds could he look at his face. And the very posture he had to assume was symbolic. He had to bend over, stoop down, to commit the ignominy of beholding himself. The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart.”

We use mirrors to watch ourselves watching ourselves (and the Margaret Atwood who lives in our heads cries “male fantasies, male fantasies! You are you own voyeur!”). We perform for the mirror—often what we see in the mirror is not actually how we are seen by others! We think we may find truth there, when in reality it is a distortion. Ties itself up really nicely, I think.

In any case, this really goes well with the theme of obsession in the song—staring in the mirror asking, what do others see? What is wrong about me? What can I do better? The idea of looking in the mirror to seek what others see, both positive and negative, is common throughout. And I think their use of mirrored choreo (esp when it seems like one of them is the reflection!!), as well as mirror placement on the set of the mv, and ESPECIALLY the lovely bit at the end where they both stand staring carefully at their own reflections, all work to drive that theme home.

and i don't even know how to touch on all the color symbolism (when it changes between color and b&w?? the palette being overwhelmingly yellow and red and black???), or the lens filters (warping, blurring, etc), or the way they superimposed pieces of the video on top of other pieces, or the use of that one stark white background—without writing a fucking dissertation (and this is already a ridiculously long post) so i'll just stop here.

This is all to say, maybe what they meant was that the lyrics were a lot more aggressive about these themes and they were asked to tone them down to keep it neutral.

or maybe they're just sexy, sexy motherfuckers and their managers bonked them on the head and sent them to horny jail.

[porcupine-girl]

This is long and contains more theater history than you probably want in a meta post but here it is anyhow!

Okay, here is my totally insane out-there theory that I shouldn’t be typing up, I should be editing and posting my lectures for tomorrow but here we are.

The pie scene that’s been released (see here) has a few things going on besides Dean being weirdly okay with Cas gone, more okay than Sam:

In the background we’ve got a truck that says Dabb’s Pies. Could just be a cute shoutout. Could be more.

Dean’s very first lines are “Oh, I don’t have a choice. This is my destiny.” This is the man who literally just spent an entire season freaking the fuck out over his lack of free will. Sure, Dean might make a joke about this, but the writers chose this to be (most likely) the very first thing he says one episode after finally shaking off destiny to get real free will?

Sam acts like Dean is crying and Dean responds as if he is trying to hide the fact that he’s crying when... he’s clearly not? At all? We’ve seen Dean cry so many times and it is not happening here?

(I say it’s probably the first thing Dean says in the episode because a) the scenes they release are almost always very very early in the episode and b) the music sounds like what they play when we come out of the cold open into a goofy Sam & Dean scene.)

Also do not forget that between the promo pics and the actual promo they seem to at some point deal with people who are very plainly dressed up as monsters but may or may not be monsters underneath. The initial photo took me to very meta places to start with, and it’s only gotten worse.

Okay so like, here are my crazy fucking thoughts that probably have nothing to do with what will actually happen:

Sam and Dean, of course, don’t actually have free will. They are still characters in a TV show written by other people. Dabb, in this case.

It’s Dabb’s Pies! Dabb is the one who caused the pie festival, and who is causing Sam and Dean to go there and eat pie!

My initial thought when I saw that photo, as it says, was “Did Brecht direct this episode?” Brecht was a playwright in the first half of the 20th century whose whole thing was breaking down the 4th wall. At the time theater tried to be as realistic as possible - hiding lights with set pieces, all sorts of stuff - in an attempt to make the audience forget they’re watching a play and get full immersion.

Brecht said “but what if we did not that?” and worked to make it explicitly clear to the audience that they are definitely watching a play and not real life. The movement was called “epic theater” or “dialectical theater” and the goal was to make the audience aware of their place as the audience and think critically about the thing they are watching as a play that was written and is being produced with the intention of communicating with them.

Brecht and others used a lot of techniques for this, from writing narrators and other 4th-wall-breaks into the plays to making it obvious that what you’re seeing are set pieces and props and not real things. Having what is obviously a man in a black costume with a skull mask play a monster (possibly a floating skull) would be right up his alley.

@shinychimera had a great comment on that post saying “They could squeeze a bit more meta in if it’s a real crew member playing something like a kuroko stagehand (from kabuki) who’s been pulled into the story…“

Kabuki is another theater tradition that explicitly does not try for anything like realism. You probably know it for its elaborate costumes and makeup, but yes, one part of it is that stagehands regularly come onstage to move things etc, dressed all in black and you’re supposed to pretend they’re invisible.

So anyhow what I’m saying is that what that photo SCREAMS at me is fourth-wall-breaking, meta, theatrical traditions that do those things.

I think the episode starts with what we’ve got here - Sam and Dean are moving on with their lives, probably on a pretty standard MOTW hunt, blissfully unaware that they are still not 100% free.

Somehow, this is going to start breaking down, Truman Show-style. I don’t know exactly how. A crew member wanders into the shot? Whatever.

From there it devolves into something super-meta and SUPER-trippy.

They realize that Cas is only in the Empty because the writers put him there, but somehow the fact that in real life Cas actually has affected the narrative in ways the writers didn’t expect is addressed. Cas loving Dean literally is something the writers never intended to be there but that grew organically because of who he is. Maybe same for Dean loving him back? Or maybe that doesn’t get addressed til later.

So now Dean knows that Cas really is the only real thing in his life and they gotta get him back.

However they get him back is gonna be, again, super trippy. They have to fight monsters like these, that are clearly not their-world-monsters but are people from our world dressed up as monsters.

They probably have to go through either Cas or Dean’s memories or both.

Dabb himself likely appears on-camera to talk to them at some point.

The one barn that that photo looks the most like to me is the one in On the Head of a Pin, which is one place where Cas could’ve died but didn’t (unclear whether it’s where they initially intended for him to die, sources conflict).

So maybe we’ll get a tour of the places where Cas’s love for Dean changed the narrative. Maybe Dabb himself will even explain them to us.

At some point, whether by Dabb himself or not, it will be explicitly mentioned that fans helped shape this, that we saw what was happening in Cas before they did.

IDK how this mindfuck ends but there is definitely kissing and Dean realizing that he’s been pushing down his feelings and denying them to fit a mold that the writers created for him years ago that doesn’t fit anymore.

So, uh, there you go. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[buginateacup]

Right. Let’s try this again shall we...

So. Roxanne is currently inhabitant numero 7 in the Lair. The first two being Megamind and Minion of course, three through six are the alligators and the bots “technically” don’t count as they’re a kind of hivemind thing.

Except for Pumpkin and Starlight. Who knows what’s going on with those two

Anyway.

Roxanne is living in the Lair, she’s got a week off work and by god she is going to do...something...about her feelings. What that something is? Nobody knows.

Least of all her.

But hey, there is a Swarm to hang out with and she doesn’t have to cook and her husband is very snuggly so far so good right?

Enter Aunt Helen. Well gatecrash. Well...look we need some kind of reason for Roxanne to yell about how wonderful Megamind is and ranting at xenophobic family members is always fun. So after Roxanne finds out the brain-bots have recategorised her as Designation Mama and Megamind has to rescue her from a very excited swarm its time to go back to the office because well shit there are MORE BOXES?

Does no one in this city have anything better to do than send them well wishes? Its getting creepy guys. Enough with the baby clothes already.

A wild Aunt Helen appears and its time for Roxanne to pay Megamind back for saying how much he loves her and how wonderful she is by doing the same mid rant and also sends herself into something of a spiral around family and self worth and feeling worthy of love and a whole mess.

So Megamind takes them for a drive to the lake where ooh remember that teaser I posted months ago about “tell me you love me?” Yeah that. This is gonna hurt kiddos I’m not gonna lie.

Of course Roxanne’s still under the impression he’s a very good liar and isn’t actually in love with her. And Megamind thinks she doesn’t love him.

They’re idiots your honour. Pining morons in love.

The other thing that happens is that Roxanne gets absolutely drenched by a speedboat that comes way too close to shore and lake water isn’t particularly healthy and she’s been under a lot of stress and is it any wonder she gets sick?

Roxanne doesn’t temperature regulate when she’s sick. This will mostly be played for laughs. I apologise for nothing.

Once she’s feeling better (and after she has essentially kicked Megamind out of bed for the weekend in the process, she feels pretty bad about that) she goes to apologise for kicking him out of his own bed an that somehow devolves into Megamind going into a guilt spiral about the cold and damp lair being no place for her to live and hands Roxanne the cash he won in Vegas and she storms out to find somewhere to live.

No dice.

She comes back home and they kind of dance around the issue for a bit before through a series of events including a punchingbag emblazoned with Metro Man’s face, supervillain capes and one or two other details I’m forgetting, Roxanne moves her stuff out of storage and into the Lair.

This is great except she’s not moving into the Lair per say, just storing her stuff here. Except then she gets an office.

Okay this is a lot more like moving in.

Have I mentioned these two soft idiots are finding it really hard to keep their hands to themselves? Because that’s a thing that keeps happening.

What it DOES lead to is a conversation between our two lovebirds where they finally admit uh...this is...kind of great? And I’m kind of into this? With you?

Is it wrong to want to date your husband/wife? Is that weird? Too bad we’re trying it anyway.

Minion would really appreciate if they would stop making out in the middle of his kitchen. He’s trying to bake here.

Megamind starts heroing without Metro Man’s support and wow no wonder the flying menace wanted to quit. This shit sucks.

Roxanne is kind of worried about him. She suggests maybe they take their private dating a little more public because people seem to leave them the fuck alone when its the two of them.

Megamind is incredibly in love with his incredibly smart wife.

Roxanne is incredibly in love with her incredibly fun husband.

Have they admitted it yet?

Fuck no what kind of story do you think this is?

Of course within 5 minutes of going public a few new villains roll into town and well, there’s still no new damsel for reasons relating to oh hell no Gerry, with a side of fuck you to the council, so Roxanne you’re up.

The first time it happens its funny. Or at least it looks that way. Its the first time Megamind has seen Roxanne get kidnapped by someone else and “I don’t care if the remote didn’t have any batteries in it! He could still have hurt you!”

Though good news it does get them to admit they are in fact actually in love with each other, have been all along, thanks for noticing.

Oh god you two idiots why are you like this?

Sadly that’s when a Council Endorsed Hero rolls into town, refusing to believe (and possibly has been a little tricked into thinking) there’s no way a villain could go good and he’s here to take down this psychic alien who’s tricked the city into thinking he’s a good guy.

What part of Megamind means psychic? Seriously?

Through a further series of events, mostly involving a battle and “You know what? You got me, I am still the bad guy, and you’re first on the scene so you’re the new hero! Hooray!”

They escape and wind up in Back up Six where you all finally get that tentacle sex I’ve been promising you since I first tagged it.

Also peace out we’re running back to Vegas to live in wedded bliss and Roxanne can run a Damsel Union and Megamind can keep inventing shit and they can establish the House of Minion.

Fin!

OK I’m really conflicted about them finally getting off as a kind of sexilogue. I am not about that life. but also most of this happens in like a week. And I coould do a sequel? I guess? IDK. Maybe we just spend a lot of time mutually getting each other off without actually getting naked?

I have no idea but I’ve written out how this is supposed to end four different times and frankly I’m done with the angst. Get cute you two.

[inkofamethyst]

August 15, 2021

Me: I think Jean Luc Picard confuses emotional maturity/having control over his emotions with his abhorrence for being vulnerable with other people.

Also me: Confuses emotional maturity/having control over my emotions with my abhorrence for being vulnerable with other people.

Now, the question is whether I’m projecting or whether I’ve found a character I relate to.

Update: I think I’m projecting.  Cpt Picard can be vulnerable, but he puts his position as captain first and believes that a more stoic appearance allows him to best perform his duties.  At least, that’s what I’ve gathered so far.

--

I have a week left to finish the final few episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation before I head back off to school and hhhhhhhh there are so many things that I am just not looking forward to :D

I don’t want ST:TNG to end because I love it so much.  The only consolation I have is that apparently there’s a movie for it too.

I honestly am not looking forward to moving into the apartment.  I am 68% sure that everything will turn out just fine.  That leaves almost a third of me which is convinced that this living arrangement will devolve.  I know that I’m not particularly argumentative and will generally try to avoid conflicts as best as possible, but I can be passive aggressive, and I am hardheaded.  

I have to start and finish the dang paper to complete my internship.  I’m going to start on a draft tonight.  Right after I complete this entry, I... promise(?).  Doing it will be fine, it’s just starting it.

I have to wash and style my hair this week.  I intend to buy some hair this week sometime.  It’ll take a while, I’m sure, because I’m doing medium-sized twists this time instead of jumbo ones, and I don’t intend to blow dry my hair (idk, maybe I’ll get my mom to do it for me, but I’d really prefer to not resort to heat again so quickly, you know?).  I’m taking hair stuff with me, but I don’t actually want to take out the hair for a solid six weeks.

I also need to pack and I need more shorts and this is actually a legitimate issue.  Like, I stopped wearing super short shorts (for a few reasons: they’re super modern-looking lol, I was always self-conscious about the ~hair down there~), so now I’m down to like, four pairs of decent shorts.  I wish I’d made some skirts that end right below the knee (I only have one and it doesn’t fit quite right plus it’s a bit warmer), but alas.  

I need a to-do list and a to-buy list. (update: I’ve started a to-do list an a to-buy list)

Kinda want a teacup lol.

Anyway back to my worries.

I want to bring the waistcoat with me to school as a project that I work on before bed or something.  But I’d like to have the lining fabric and I need more cotton drill because the yard I bought seriously shrunk.  I also need to get some bias tape to finish off quite a few projects and some buttons and I honestly just need Joann to come in clutch for me this week with their sales.  (pretty low on the list of worries btw)

Back to the shorts issue, I’m considering both buying and making some shorts, actually.  One of those pairs being from linen.  I only need two yards of fabric to make a pair of shorts, and it’s honestly not a very time-consuming project,, so (the most complex part might be getting the pockets right, especially since I intend to use French seams and would like to have a side button placket since I’ve no clue how to do a zipper fly (though, I intend to try a different pattern (a vintage one!!) than Simplicity 8447 (a roomy repro), so that means a mockup which will eat up an afternoon/evening)).  Of course, that all depends on whether I’m able to get every other pressing matter fixed this week (mainly the paper and my apartment purchases and my hair). ://

It’s been quite a while since I’ve procrastinated a paper lol.  Not the first time, won’t be the last :/  I’ve written plenty of decent papers post midnight, what’s one more?  I need to make it look like I’ve edited it though which will be somewhat tricky, I think.  Eh, my writing ability tends to be good enough that a first draft for me can pass as a second draft for many, so a reviewed first draft might pass as a third draft, perhaps?  Looks like I’ll be up ‘till 4 again (funny thing is, for the past two weeks I’ve been waking up at 9:30 every day without an alarm, so we’ll see if that holds up).

Also, I only have two Halloweens left on campus (assuming we don’t get sent home by mid-october this year lol (actually not “lol” because I’d be losing money on this apartment)), and I have no idea what I’m going as bruhhh.  I’m a whole sewist and I ain’t made a costume (tbh I’d probably do something Star Trek related and all (I’ll be hanging my Starfleet banner in my apartment which is, at least, something to look forward to in the move, I suppose), but I feel like that’d come off as sorta lame lol), shameful.  This, compared to the other things I’ve mentioned, is quite low on the worry list, I’ll be honest, but it’s there nonetheless because who am I without my unnecessary worries :) (yes I recognize that I should not have unnecessary worries in the first place,, let me be; as y’all can see I’ve got bigger fish to fry than my mental health rn).

AGH I’ve got a couple of big emails to send tomorrow.

I also need to start on my Notion.  Maybe I’ll do that while I’m on campus.  It takes a solid few hours to do, but I’ve got a decent idea of what I want which is good.  I also need to finish that Witcher prequel that I started on vacation.  I wasn’t hooked on the plot, per say, but I do really like Geralt as a character.

Ok ok ok today I am actually thankful for the motorized face brush I managed to find today for a decent price because I’ve been looking for one for ages and I managed to get one today :)  My skin has been pretty clear these past few months, but now that I’m stressin I gotta make sure it stays that way feel me?

I hate that moving back to campus gives me an icky feeling.  With covid and the apartment and note-less exams... it’s probably nothing.  This whole upcoming week gives me an icky feeling.  I just don’t like uncertainty.  No one does, I suppose.

I wanna find a place on campus or close to campus where I can just chill out with my uke next week with no one around.  Ain’t no way I’mma just hole up in my room until the freshmen show up and the uni starts putting on events.  Gotta fill the day some way, especially since I won’t have access to streaming services (@ my dad who hoards the passwords).

Oh!  Oh!  I do think I wanna try joining the archery club this coming semester (if they decide to continue this sem)!!  They say they welcome beginners who don’t even have equipment, so !!!  I think it could be cool!

Aight I’ve put off starting this paper long enough bye.

[theteaisaddictive]

okay but you can't just tease us with a wedding meme mentioning ejts in the tags. spill :D

ask and ye shall receive my dear :D

1) Who proposes? 2) How do they propose? 3) Reaction of the one being proposed to

in the middle of the chaos post-transformation, belle probably whispers to eve that she never wants to leave her side again. 

‘i know, i know,’ eve whispers. ‘i remember. i’ll never leave you again.’

‘no, i-’ belle says. ‘i mean, i want to stay with you forever’, and she drops to one knee right there on the newly-constructed balcony, still strewn with rose petals and the rosy-fingered dawn. she holds out her left hand palm-up. ‘do you?’

eve joins her kneeling on the ground, her legs still shaking from the transformation. she takes her hand, her eyes almost shockingly large now that they’re in a human face. ‘yes. yes. yes, belle, dearest, of course.’ she leans over and they kiss.

they kiss for quite a while. 

4) How they tell the others

chip, of course, asks as soon as the general excitement levels have gone down, ‘are they gonna get married?’

the senior staff all glance at each other wondering who’s going to have to finally teach this emblem of hope for the future about homophobia, but before the silence can get more than half a step beyond natural, eve chimes in with an ‘of course we are, chip. in fact, belle asked me not twenty minutes ago and i said yes.’

while mrs potts is relieved that eve is human again and that she’s no longer cold and cruel-hearted, she notices a certain fire in eve’s eyes that came straight from her father – the stubbornness which means she’s going to get her own way come hell or high water. it used to apply to hunting, and petty matters of daily life. mrs potts is proud to see it used to marry belle. 

(marie doesn’t find out that they’re married for … a while. how long an interval it’s going to be? haven’t decided yet.)

5) Who’d they choose as ring bearer

chip, of course! who else?

6) Who’s the one that spends the most time worrying about preps for the wedding?

surprisingly, there isn’t actually a lot of time to prep for the wedding. neither of them have much of a taste for fancy celebrations and would prefer a simple ceremony, so that’s what they choose. (but yes, eve does manage to get her bee in a bonnet regardless)

7) When they go looking for their outfits

it’s less ‘looking for outfits’ and more ‘repurposing old ones’. belle would be more than happy to just wear her best blue dress, but even though eve had a transformative experience shaped by queer love, she’s adamant that belle has a new, different dress she’s never worn before for the ceremony (so belle is in basically the celebration dress from the remake, and eve is in essentially ella’s wedding dress from the 2015 film but minus the train. yes i am trash. no i refuse to apologise.)

IMAGINE THESE BLUSHING BRIDES. ALSO YOU WILL HAVE TO IMAGINE THEM AGAIN FOR ROSES AND LAVENDER BUT PRETEND FOR A MOMENT THAT LILY JAMES IS PORTRAYING A GENDER-SWAPPED BEAST HERE AND NOT CINDERELLA

8) Fusses over the other before the wedding day

they’re both very concerned about each other and it’s very sweet. they both stay up the night before the wedding in the library, keeping close together as midnight approaches. belle rubs her fingers soothingly against eve’s head and intermittently finger-combs her hair, and eve absent-mindedly runs her hand in circles over belle’s back as they talk quietly about tomorrow. 

9) Reactions to their wedding attire

ok so how i picture it is that since neither of them have people to give them away (léon and cogsworth offered their services, but both women declined), they mirror the ballroom scene so their first glimpses of each other are as they go down the stairs to the landing before descending to the ballroom proper. both of them almost stop in their tracks because of how BEAUTIFUL and RADIANT and HAPPY the other looks to be marrying HER. eve cries two tiny tears before she even reaches the landing. 

10) Who whispers the other “you look great”

belle to eve. they’re holding hands as they walk towards the servants, lefou and stanley, wait why are those two there what plot points will they be relevant to and léon

11) How are they feeling during vows

nervous as all fuck. jittery. excited. overjoyed. eve actually does start to cry during her vows. belle doesn’t, but she gets very, very close. 

12) What do their rings look like?

simple, thin gold bands. they wear them on their right hands. 

13) The kiss

the vows are exchanged. the rings placed. cogsworth looks at eve, whom he’s known and loved for the best part of a decade. ‘and now, by the power invested in me by the princess of this realm, i declared you to be married. you may now kiss the bride.’

belle smiles so wide that it hurts her cheeks, and she and eve take a step forwards at the same time. eve sweeps her into the kiss, one hand resting on her waist while the other cups belle’s neck. belle rests her own hand on the plane of eve’s back, allowing her other hand to brush eve’s shoulder as she kisses her wife. and for a moment in that kiss, it’s like their first up on the balcony – uncertain and desperately tender. eve breaks to take a breath, and belle pulls her back in for another kiss, their lips moving gently as the gathered congregation cheers. because they kissed. because they’re married. because eve is her wife.

14) What do they whisper to each other after vows?

nothing. they just look at each other. they’ve already said everything. 

15) When cutting their cake, and afterwards

the wedding breakfast is basically a garden party in the grounds with the staff and aforementioned guests. there is enough food and cake and drinks for everyone, and as the afternoon fades into the evening the mood goes from bright and joyous to quietly happy, but in that way where the amount of emotion present is the same it’s just expressed differently if that makes any kind of sense. both brides make speeches, and both begin their speech with ‘on behalf of my wife and i …’ (they had to make lumiere flip a coin bc they both wanted to go first but didn’t want to take the chance away from the other and it was halfway to becoming one of those stupid fights that in a sitcom would be the episode one cliffhanger of the wedding two-parter, but luckily lumiere was in possession of the throuple’s two brain cells that morning so he managed to de-escalate the situation.) belle went first, but the line got the obligatory cheer from the guests both times. 

16) The two dancing together

chapeau (or a Chapeau-Adjacent Character bc atm i can’t remember if i wrote him in or not) starts playing the fiddle, and the wives take their place on the ballroom floor (the reception has moved back inside by now). think home (reprise), the high note then gently glissandos down to the beginning of beauty and the beast. (can you glissando on a violin? idk. maybe it’s just a piano thing but you know what i’m trying to get across here)

they dance the steps that they first performed while eve was still a bird, and then eventually devolve into a gentle waltz. 

after the first dance, it’s country dances for all!! poor chapeau has his work cut out for him, but léon can play and stanley brought his accordion so by the end of the night everybody who has to play gets to dance to at least three songs. 

17) Who takes a picture of the other

not applicable! HOWEVER plumette takes quick sketches throughout the day, and in later years belle and eve have official portraits taken in their wedding dresses on repeat wears, so between one and the other they have plenty of memories.

18) Who lifts the other up (bridal style)

eve sweeps belle off her feet (again) (it’s something of a recurring motif for them)

19) The reaction of the person being carried

belle laughs, shrieking a little because she was caught off-guard. she presses small kisses to eve’s cheek and neck until her arms give out and she has to put belle down again. 

20) Wedding night

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

no, no, no, i’ll be genuine (and mildly explicit). they leave (eventually). chip fell asleep about an hour ago. the night is (fairly) young. they go up to the west wing together. eve can’t stop grinning. she has a wife. 

once safely in the west wing, they help each other out of the fine materials of their dresses and remove their stays, but otherwise stay pretty much fully dressed. they pile up on eve’s bed, in a similar position to how they were in the library the night before; belle is lying directly on the pillows, while eve is resting with her head on belle’s shoulder and their legs intertwined. before long, of course, they start kissing. and they clutch at each other, pressing so close they can feel their heartbeats through the layers of muscle and bone and fabric. and eve takes a very long time to roll belle’s stockings down her legs, kissing each inch as it appears. and then she kisses several other areas of her wife’s body (and belle can barely look at her as she does it, but the sight of that blonde head between her legs causes her to dig her fingers into eve’s hair, and that was a rather interesting discovery for both of them). and then belle, after a moment to catch her breath, pushes eve over to her back and pulls off her chemise. and she is just as slow as eve was, tracing her hands over eve’s body, and when she does finally push eve’s chemise away to press her lips to naked skin, the look in eve’s eyes is one she never forgets.

and then, after a long while, eve says, ‘we’re married. you’re my wife.’

‘and you’re my wife,’ belle says just as quietly. she presses a kiss to the top of eve’s forehead. 

‘i never thought this would happen,’ she says. ‘not even before the curse. i thought i would be like my mother, and that the most i could hope for was either to have a husband who would be kinder or to live as an old maid.’

belle wraps her arm around eve’s shoulders a little tighter, as if she wants to protect the girl of eighteen whom she never even met. knowing belle, eve thinks, that’s probably the case. 

‘i’m so glad i met you, eve,’ she says. ‘i never thought this kind of love could be possible. i’m beyond overjoyed that it’s with you.’

she cards her fingers through eve’s hair, the glint of her ring catching in the moonlight. a few minutes later, eve rearranges their positions, so that they’re both covered by the warm blankets and she’s pressed into belle’s back, her arms draped around her. their hands find each other under the covers, and they fall asleep peacefully on their first day of married life.

[is-i-halloween-yet]

EGO’S HOGWARTS AND ILVERMORNY SORTING

REQUEST: Like if one of the Dark Youtubers was put into, say, the Harry Potter universe, but the reader wouldn't have a part.

Warning: Spoilers. For literally everything. Also I am very behind on Sanders Sides, so please forgive me. Also the AN is important. Read it.  Descriptions get short as they get more obvious in my head but I will explain my thinking if asked!

((AN: Normally I wouldn't do this, but I'm a SLUT for Harry Potter so fine! Just for you beautiful anon. I did this on my personal opinion and it was my goal not to sort everyone in the houses you would think they'd be in. It kinda helped snap me into my writing again so thank you. I almost want to just do this with all sorts of fandoms. Game of Thrones. What God/ Goddess parent they'd have (Rick Riodan stuff) Superhero. Bands. Musicals. You name it! Would love more cause this was fun! Plus now I can casually advertise my Harry Potter imagines Blog: ) so check out @potter-scamander-black-imgines! They are organized by the person and yeah! Those are all the egos I write for so enjoy! I only did the egos that are cannon or the egos I own. Plus, now you guys know who all I will write for. EXCEPT I DON’T WRITE FOR THE YOUTUBERS IN ANY WAY BUT PLATONICLY CAUSE I AM NOT COMFY AND IDK IF THEY ARE EITHER. I also only put down the egos that I have either created or are created by the creator: I ALSO WRITE FOR CHARACTERS LIKE GEAR, A, LIGHT, MARQUESS, ETC BUT I DON’T OWN THEM!!! SO. THEY AIN’T GOING HERE))

Markiplier Ego’s

Mark:

Hufflepuff. Yeah... Almost all Youtubers are Hufflepuff.. But mark is so caring and loyal and passionate... I don't know where else I'd put him. Nevermind fuck you Mark you are fucking Ravenclaw. Fuck you and your brilliant, witty, creative shit. Fuck-

Thunderbird: Yet out of all of them, he yearns for adventure and to try new things, placing him here.

Darkiplier: 

Slytherin. This was obvious. I tried. Cunning, ambition, etc! Dark is the most cunning and determined of the YouTubers Dark!Sides. He thinks of himself and only himself. He acts on only what we strengthen him. I was torn between this and Ravenclaw, but chose this as some of the Ravenclaw traits don't line up.

As for the American school, I would probably place him Horned Serpent. Almost put him in Wampus, but I cannot picture Dark as a solider. While he has the mind, Dark doesn't possess the drive of a solider, and the only other place he would fit would be as a scholar.

Dr. Iplier: 

Slytherin. He doesn’t care about anything but his goal. He is cunning to get there and only has ambition.

Wampus. The mind of a warrior. He has his message and he must spread it. You are dying. Sorry. 

Googleiplier: 

Ravenclaw or Slytherin but I am gonna say Ravenclaw. This entity is as witty as he is intelligent. He has to be creative 

Horned Serpent. His primary objective is answer questions as quickly as possible. How is he not in the house of the scholar?

Bingiplier:

 Gryffindor or Hufflepuff. I say Hufflepuff. While we don’t know much about him, I’d say he is mostly loyal to his cause more than anything else. 

Thunderbird. That skateboard? Uh yeah. He’s got wanderlust. He is an adventurer. 

The Host: 

Ravenclaw. Even in his days as the Author, he has used his own thoughts to narrate the lives of everyone around him. That is creativity. That is wit. 

Horned Serpent. Intelligence and scholars? That’s him. *Drop Mic*

Wilford Warfstash: 

Slytherin. He is cunning, ambitious, and wants nothing more than get to the point of his desires, regardless who he kills or who is sacrificed in the process. He was like this even as William. 

Wampus. No doubt in my mind. He was a solider. Still is at heart. Always will be. 

Abe the Detective:

So. Gryfindor. No question and here is why. He keeps fighting. But he doesn’t for ambition or loyalty. He does it because he has the will to. Because he’s brave. Basically IDK it’s what my heart says.

And Wampus. Just as he is this, he does his job because he has to. He has nothing but to fight on.

Damien the Mayor: 

This was harder than I fucking thought okay. But I am gonna say Hufflepuff. He is loyal. Enough said. Cause I hurt.

And for this I oddly enough am gonna say Horned Serpent. Out of all the options, I think he wants to obtain knowledge in attempts to attain his Hufflepuff loyalty. 

Celine the Seer:

Ravenclaw. I almost said Slytherin, but she took her discomfort with the house and turned it into fuel to learn about what she can do and how she can uncover the secrets. 

And she meets with her brother again in Horned Serpent. Look up for why. 

Mark the Actor:

Slytherin. He is ambitious. He is cunning. He will not stop until he has revenge. 

Wampus. Look up. He is numb. He does what he must and will do so if it ends with blood. 

Benjamin the Butler:

Hufflepuff. Did you watch the livestream? He is such a good loyal boy. 

Pukwudgue. He just wants to heal. He just wants to help. Protect him

Jacksepticeye Ego’s

Jack/ Sean: 

Hufflepuff. Okay. Loyal, compassionate, and so many other traits similar to this are used and surrounded by Sean. I mean PMA, right?

Annnndddd Thunderbird. C'mon is this even a question? Yes I almost said Pukwudgie, cause that's what he does for our community, but our Jackie is a brave green bean who likes to see the world and try new things.

Antisepticeye: 

Gryffindor. Okay. Lemme explain myself. You were all expecting Slytherin. I don't blame you. But here's the thing. While I agree that Anti could be Slytherin, but he is more Gryffindor for his recklessness rather than cunning nature. He is brave, fearless, daring, courageous, and etc. The only thing that separates him from this house is chivalry. Yet even still this house is a better fit. While he has the ambition and self preservation of a Slytherin, in my mind, he is more on the brave side then cunning. After all, who said bravery was a positive thing?

As for the other school, I'm thinking Wampus. Our options are healer, scholar, adventurer, or warrior and Anti is obviously more of a warrior. Calculating and violent. Daring and bold. He will fight hard and he will fight to the bloody end.

Jackaboyman: 

Hufflepuff. In my own head cannon, this boy thinks with one thing, his heart. He jumps straight into things without thought, but it’s not out of bravery or courage. It is out of loyalty and love.

Pukwudgie. He is a lover, not a fighter. So I think he’d rather heal than any of the other options. 

Dr. Schneeplestein: 

Ravenclaw. Yes! He's not evil yall can actually fight me. It was Anti who change the perception of everything. He is smart. Witty. The perfect Ravenclaw.

Pukwudgie. He’s a doctor? So this is obvious? 

Chase Brody: 

Hufflepuff. I almost said Slytherin? But loyalty. Chase is nothing if not loyal. He is loyal to his, wife, to his kids, even to his best friend in a coma. He is and always will be loyal

Thunderbird. Bro Average? Proves? How adventurous he is? ‘nough said. 

Marvin The Magnificent: 

Slytherin. Almost said Ravenclaw! But no! Listen. If you go back to the video, I can infer that he’s got an ambition. He’s gotta be the best at magic. He has to be. 

Thunderbird. He tours. He’s gotta have some adventure in him. Also he has long hair

Jameson Jackson:

Ravenclaw. He’s clearly an artist of some form. And Ravenclaw is the artists home.

This one is hard, but I am gonna guess Horned Serpent. I suppose it would be the old soul in him, but I think he is always trying to learn something new. So this is where I would place him. 

Robbie the Zombie:

Hufflepuff. I think loyalty to his family is his defining trait. 

Horned Serpent, is where his curiosity comes into play. And I haven't devolved Robbie in my eyes yet so this is my start. 

CrankGamePlays Egos 

Ethan:

 Ravenclaw is what I thought at first. Ethan is such a creative boi, but more than that, he is very witty. But I think instead I am gonna have to go with Hufflepuff. Ethan, I know you think you are a Gryfindor, but here's why you aren’t. You get your Gryfindor qualities from your loyalty.

Pukwudgie. He just wants to help! And heal. At least more than the other houses. 

Vladamir: FIND HIM HERE= https://is-i-halloween-yet.tumblr.com/post/177094268858/vlad-vladamir-headcannons

My soft boi is a Hufflepuff. He is so loyal. All he wants to do is help and heal...

AND A PUKWUDGIE. Look up. He’s a healer. 

BlankGamePlays: WE KNOW NOTHING BUT I DON’T CARE

Ravenclaw? He has? Creative? Appearances? 

And Thunderbird? He does? Interesting things? In the videos? He is in?

NateWantsToBattle Egos

Nate: 

Gryffindor. Nate takes chances and is brave. And honestly the only other contender would be the house of Ravenclaw. But my heart declared him more of a lion and I couldn’t disprove it in my head.

Wampus. He charges into everything he does whole heartedly, like a solider, so that is where I shall place him.

NateMare: 

Ravenclaw. This boy is a smartass. He is so witty, but so creative as well. This is where he belongs. 

Wampus. The same reason that Nate is a Wampus. He fights for what he believes is. 

Phantom:

Slytherin. If he has one thing, it is ambition. Enough said. 

Wampus. Wow. All of the Battles are Wampus’. But same reason for other too okay.

Thomas Sander’s Egos

Thomas: 

Gryffindor. So brave. Takes so many chances. Tries so many things. He has the heart of an adventurer if anyone does. 

Pukwudgie. If anyone wants to be a healer or helper it is the YouTuber. And I have said it many times but I will again. Enough said (Will probably say it again sometime soon sorry not sorry). 

Deceit:

Slytherin. He is literally a snake. He is lies. But also lies are cunning I am not saying this house is evil. 

Wampus. Gets the job done. Who cares what it costs. 

Logan: 

Slytherin. While many hear logical and think Ravenclaw, but I think the cunning Slytherin. He is pure logic. Nothing else. 

Horned Serpent. The house of the one seeking knowledge. Make sense? 

Patton: 

Hufflepuff. These folks are essentially fathers. So... It makes sense?

Pukwudgie. Healer and helper and dad? Makes sense. 

Roman: 

Hufflepuff. Roman is his heart. What is the heart if not loyal?

Pukwudgie. I didn’t really think he belonged anywhere else. What is a hero if not a healer?

Virgil: 

Ravenclaw. He is so creative and so smart. This is where the bean belongs. Fight me. 

Wampus. Again. Wasn’t sure where this person is going to be placed, but I am putting him here because he will fight for what he believes in. No matter what. 

[blackjacketmuses]

hc; og dante 12

In honor of @dwellsinme​ who inspired me with her HC to post mine, because I’ve had it but haven’t gotten around to actually posting about it.

Dante - my Dante - is very much ADHD. 

It’s kind of a tossup whether his nature as a hybrid has anything to do with it (see: PJO series), but he is definitely, definitely ADHD and has been since he was a kid. Unfortunately, in the late 70s-early 80s, neurodivergence wasn’t as big or talked about a concept, so no one really had any idea, and Dante’s so detached from the normal human life at this point it’s probably never come up and never will. He functions....as well as one would expect with that on top of cPTSD and depression, but, yknow, he manages. So it’s never been a real, true problem. Drove his parents and teachers crazy as a little, and definitely drives people crazy now, but...that’s just how Dante is.

I’m gonna go into more detail under a cut just because long post incoming:

To start I’m just gonna drop a list of symptoms here, so you can kinda see what I’m getting at: bolding is mine, and is the symptoms Dante visibly explicitly shows and expresses (for the record, he definitely has combined type, which has symptoms of both inattentive and hyperactive)---

Inattentive type:

Be easily distracted, miss details, forget things, and frequently switch from one activity to another

Have difficulty maintaining focus on one task

Become bored with a task after only a few minutes, unless doing something they find enjoyable

Have difficulty focusing attention on organizing or completing a task

Have trouble completing or turning in homework assignments, often losing things (e.g., pencils, toys, assignments) needed to complete tasks or activities

Appear not to be listening when spoken to

Daydream, become easily confused, and move slowly

Have difficulty processing information as quickly and accurately as others

Struggle to follow instructions

Have trouble understanding details; overlooks details

Hyperactive type:

Fidget or squirm a great deal

Talk nonstop

Dash around, touching or playing with anything and everything in sight

Have trouble sitting still during dinner, school, and while doing homework

Be constantly in motion

Have difficulty performing quiet tasks or activities

Be impatient

Blurt out inappropriate comments, show their emotions without restraint, and act without regard for consequences

Have difficulty waiting for things they want or waiting their turn in games

Often interrupt conversations or others' activities

Okay, so maybe he leans a lot heavier into hyperactive type, but, I mean. Watch him doing stuff, especially in 3 and 4 --- he’s definitely very easily distracted, doesn’t seem to listen a lot, and focus is only kept when he’s really interested in something, otherwise he super ignores it. And details? Ha! What are those, he just jumps in and does things.

As for the hyperactive symptoms, I don’t think I need to point out many specific instances, it’s...we all see it. He’s constantly running his mouth, constantly in motion, constantly moving, playing with things, bouncing on his feet, fidgeting, fighting, moving a lot as he fights...I mean look at him playing with every single new toy he gets immediately, and especially look at him with Cerberus. He’s loud, he’s present, he’s very impatient --- we see that a lot in 3 re: puzzles and locks --- and honestly he’s very good at interrupting people. Not to mention that thing about saying inappropriate things, and being unable to restrain emotions or actions? Definitely Dante, demonstrably so.

Other symptoms Dante definitely has --- and this is speaking as me, an ADHD person, who sees a lot of my bullshit in Dante --- are:

MOTIVATION ISSUES (don’t @ me Vergil): Look at this guy, he can’t or won’t do anything that doesn’t click into his interests (and even then!!) unless he gets pushed or bullied or bribed into it. He needs to be given a significant and heavy reason to get up and do shit, otherwise he’ll just sit around or blow it off and claim pickiness. And sure, he is picky --- because specific criteria on What Will Interest Him is another ADHD thing!! --- but man, even then, you can see in the anime he has to be pushed out the door to get shit done sometimes. This is clearly contributing to his broke situation. And when he’s Depressed it’s worse, look at the state of his office in 5!!

REJECTION SENSITIVE DYSPHORIA: Now this one isn’t quite as obvious, because he’s REALLY GOOD at pretending he’s fine, but he really does not cope well with being yelled at/rejection/being pushed away by people, especially people he likes. That’s a mood. This was worse by far when he was a kid, and is part of why he’s such a pushover and can easily be bullied into doing things for people he likes or people he wants to like him. He doesn’t want to be rejected or criticized, so time to do what they want me to! No problem, no argument!

SLEEP PROBLEMS: Either he is like LOOK MA NO SLEEP I CAN DO THIS ALL WEEK or he’s sleeping constantly and looking like Rip Van fucking Winkle. Now this does overlap with the depression, but ADHD internal clocks are borked to hell and back, too, so his sleep schedule and how much/little he sleeps is just. What even. How. 

TIME PROBLEMS: Either something is Now or it is Not Now and if it is Not Now it is not worth caring about or worrying about.

IMPULSE CONTROL: As mentioned above, but with the added problem of “what is delayed gratification I don’t know her”, and needing rewards for what he’s doing Now Please Thanks.

DECISION MAKING: When confronted with difficult decisions, either you a) freeze because AAHHHH TOO MUCH or b) just Do Something because panic without thinking. Also what the FUCK is a plan, there are no plans, plans don’t exist.

BOREDOM IS EVIL: No being bored, ever, oh god, nope, fuck that cannot be bored boredom is the devil and causes BAD BAD THINGS. Must always be doing things, needs entertainment, needs stimulation or will quickly devolve into a lump on the couch. If thing is boring, will NOT do it, nope, fuck that.

CHILDLIKE BEHAVIOR: Like whew. I mean. Local 42yo man acts like a 10yo boy pretending to be an 80s action hero like in the movies, constantly, as if he thinks that mimicking that is how Adults Are. And just, generally acting like an enormous child.

WEIRD KID: Just...generally coming off as weird or different or Outside The Norm, not good with normal human social cues and responses to things, acts weird and like an outcast and doesn’t seem to quite fit in with normal people.

FIXATIONS: Pizza pizza pizza NEVER GET BORED OF PIZZA I COULD EAT PIZZA EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE also sundaes. 

MUSIC...GOOD: This is more subjective, but Dante’s thing with music strikes me as a thing mostly because I am that person who NEEDS TO BE LISTENING TO MUSIC ALL THE TIME HOLY SHIT, I CANNOT STAND IF THERE IS NO BACKGROUND NOISE TO MY LIFE. I get so antsy I want to jump off a cliff when there’s no background noise/music in the car and I Need music on to do anything; but at the same time I can’t listen to podcasts or videos because music I just tune out and it’s There, Good, Wonderful, but if it’s something to concentrate on with Words To Understand, it is BAD and it needs Full Focus or I Don’t Hear SHIT. So, yeah, that too.

NON SEQUITURS EVERYWHERE: You know that THING where topic A comes up and in your head you jump ahead five things in a way only you understand, and then you speak up and bring up topic F out of nowhere because YOU got to it in your head but everyone else is like what the fuck, so you kinda shut up or laugh it off? Yeah. Also that other feel when you’re still on topic B but the rest of the group went on to topic C or D and you’re internally screaming because NO I STILL HAVE SOMETHING ELSE TO SAY GET BACK HERE.

WHAT THE FUCK IS VOLUME CONTROL THIS IS MY NORMAL SPEAKING VOICE I’M NOT SHOUTING????: Self explanatory.

BAD AT HEARING THINGS: Needs VERY specific instructions, but also things need repeating a lot because he’s quick to accidentally tune stuff out.

READING: Trouble reading LONG blocks of text. Magazines Good, short articles Good.

Local Man Laughs At Own Jokes, WHAT THEY’RE FUNNY

MALADAPTIVE DAYDREAMING: He did this more as a kid, but it still applies; local child looks like he’s just kind of vibrating quietly but otherwise paying attention? NOPE he’s having an epic adventure in his head and is not listening to a word. Vergil will tell him later if it’s important.

THE LEG BOUNCE: Speaking of, he CANNOT SIT STILL. He’s at the MINIMUM rocking in his seat or bouncing his foot or tapping his fingers, sometimes as chords to a guitar but other times just taptaptap.

Stopping What Is Stopping, or alternatively, HOW TO START EVEN IDK.

Getting/being increasingly SUPER UNCOMFORTABLE but just sitting there with a smile while internally going AAAAAAAAAAAAA in increasing volume, because you have no idea how to disengage.

Things not immediately in view or immediately important Cease To Exist Entirely.

Related, visual exhaustion aka I HAVE LIVED WITH THIS MESS SO LONG THAT THE MESS IS BACKGROUND NOISE AND DOES NOT EXIST TO ME, I NO LONGER SEE IT, IT IS SCENERY.

Is the only member of this family who can drink caffeine, ADHD cancels the effect out.

Actually Pretty Goddamn Smart, but the disconnect of not having any education after 5th grade and that GOOD GOOD RSD thanks to bitchy clients kicked in and he internalized that he’s dumb now oops, might as well not try. See Also That Good Good RSD RE: bitchy dates, guess he’s just A Terrible Date, whoops, gonna just Not do that anymore. Basically if enough people give him shit about a thing, guess he’s just NOT gonna do that thing anymore!! Yep!!!

Bad at doing things The Proper Way, procedures and rules and bureaucracy are BORING GOTTA GET STUFF DONE NOW MY WAY. Never showed his work in math ever. 

Actually really smart, but got in trouble a lot for lack of visibly paying attention, being unable to sit still in class, and not following instructions. He could do the work and do it right, with or without listening to the lecture, but because he did it on his own terms and by his own rules, even if he got the right answer, he got in trouble. RSD convinced him later in life he was an idiot, but he still is really good at out of the box thinking and figuring shit out with limited information.

Gets Frustrated, Stops Doing Thing (or IMPULSIVITY ACTIVATE FORM OF DOING STUPID SHIT TO GET THING DONE)

Bad habit of WORRY when understimulated, also tendency towards insecurity, this is made WORSE x100 by his PTSD. Not to mention a bit of chronic low self esteem because of most of the above.

Low self esteem feeds into really bad self-awareness; he really doesn’t quite understand or process the effects he has on people, for good or ill.

ADDICTIVE!! BEHAVIOR!!! (see: The Booze)

Stopping this here because a) you get my point by now and b) I’M going full ADHD on fixating on this post so I’m cutting myself off here. Anyway, yeah. There’s this.

[rustyyart]

I did a thing! Drew some actual OCs for the first time in a while. This post is about to get long so I’ll put the rest in the break. These were my first ever OCs so I have a LOT to say. Not that anyone’s reading so I’ll just use this as a time marker for future me.

Tbh I’m pretty sure the redesigns had long sleeves besides the tube top. Whoops.

Drawn: December 4, 2020

You asked for it.

Heart

          My first ever OC as far as I can remember? I might’ve created Amber before her, but all of my OCs were named “Girl” or “Boy” for an embarrassingly long time. Hell, these are still named after their symbols. First drawn in 4th grade when I was nine, Heart was originally on the Titanic and was created when I was bored in class and remembered I had seen part of the movie Titanic the night before. She played the part of Rose and I mostly drew the part where it sank LMAO. She gets home to her sister (Flower) and is like “It sank” and Flower is like “Aw.” and then they go off and played video games. IDK I was a master of comics.

          Heart is in a really weird place. She was this really tough tomboy who protected her more feminine sister and got into trouble a lot. She’s always been a self insert, but from 2009 - 2011 she was more of a power fantasy. She talked back to teachers and spent tons of money on whatever 9yo me wanted at the time. I remember Flower scolding her that they could only play on the computer for half an hour once a year. 

          When I hit middle school, and thus a new school and new people, she became a shy, almost reclusive character to fit me. I discovered anime when I was 11, so she got tsundere style mood swings. Sun and Cloud were created around that time, I think. Embarrassing real world counterparts later and she, like me, can/could barely function in their presence. A complete 180 to original her. Wow, a look into Heart’s character progression and I see myself devolving into the hermit I am today.

          Obviously Heart (as a concept) is a major part of my person. RustyyHeart with my older usernames being Heart*something*. I probably just exposed more middle school cringe to the internet than I’m preparing for, but whatever. RustyyHeart was a rebrand to get away from the feminine nature of the word “heart” or straight up announcing I was a girl. I’ve since accepted the name Rusty instead, despite 14yo me fretting it sounded like a guy’s name. RustyyHeart was the work of a random name generator and I’ve loved it ever since.

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Flower

          Heart’s twin sister Flower has been about the same the whole time she’s been around. Besides the Titanic sinking, she’s been by Heart’s side almost all the time. I made them have drama here and there, but they’ve always made up somehow. She isn’t particularly based on anyone, but would occasionally mold into whoever was my best friend at the time. I made her because I always felt lonely whenever I couldn’t hang out with my best friends from school. Go a step further, make a twin sister.

          I’m drawing a blank on her character development, to be honest. Flower has just kind of been... there. Generally upbeat and happy and always slightly better at everything than Heart. Pre middle school, she was basically Heart v2 except she did the Dreamworks face way less often. Post middle school, she was the accidental pretty girl and Heart was jealous. She gained a bust sometime after my discovery of anime and I even occasionally made sure to draw that she wore frilly underwear. Can you tell I watched the wrong kind of anime way too young? Flower unintentionally ended up stealing the interests of  Sun and Cloud.

          I’m not proud of her design at the moment, but I like that I kept the pigtails on the sides of her head instead of moving them. It makes her stand out in comparison to Heart. I don’t really know if I’ll leave either’s outfit like this, granted Heart hasn’t changed much since 2012, but I want to fix them into real characters instead of whatever young me threw together. 

          I also noticed that somewhere in a redesign phase, Flower got significantly lighter than Heart. I made this whole post and idea about this specifically. Teenage me actually committed colorism against my own OCs. Heart was redesigned in middle school to be “ugly” to mimic all my crushes turning me down, while Flower was “pretty.” I realized that while drawing the two for the first time yesterday. Heart is overweight, darker skin tone, and painfully shy. Flower is hourglass figure, lighter skin tone, and outgoing. Something’s wrong here. In all my comics and drawings they were identical in tone or it  wasn’t colored at all. I changed the skin tones within the past couple years. Holy internal bias.  

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=D

          You wanna talk forgotten, dumpstered OCs? =D has got you covered. Yes her name is “Equals D” and I hate it too. She’s probably my first exploration into bisexuality TBH and was based on Kari from the Incredibles. She first met Heart and Flower when they went to a spa and she was their... idk servant I guess. She washed their hair because that’s what 9yo me thought happened at spas. I made her a punching bag character, Heart and Flower making fart noises to get on her nerves. Again, comedy genius over here. Imagine the twins’ shock when I made her their permanent live in babysitter, once again taking from her source. So they Home Alone her until she’s like “I find farts funny too!” and the twins were like “:o She’s cool!” Bam! Conflict solved!

          I’m impressed at the fact younger me drew her differently than the other two. She had braces and a ponytail. Ok, I didn’t say it was an original design, it’s more of a fan art situation, but I tried something different. Every girl in my comics had the swirl pigtails besides her. She eventually lost the braces because I got tired of drawing them and they started escaping the boundaries of her mouth every time. I remember in the original comic I drew her smiling for the first time in a good amount of pages and put braces on with a caption “Remember these?” I was the only one reading my own comic YES I remember my own stolen design.

          I think I changed her to older sister in the redesign in middle school. How weird would a permanent, live in ex-spa employee be? She’s the no-nonsense type who frequently injures herself attempting to be a mother figure. Think Nani from Lilo and Stitch being her main source from that point on. Her only appearance in the comic before I stopped writing it was her burning her hand and hitting her head making breakfast. She drives them to school and they never come home~~~ AKA I got started on my self insert fanfiction phase where my OCs got locked away for 2 years. She never got any attention since then and has only changed designs away from Meroko from Full Moon. Showing your stomach was strictly forbidden in my hyper holy Christian household growing up, so having her have her stomach out was a mark of being an older person. Winking Equals D, later renamed Jix, is/was near constantly shirtless as he is a male version of her and I had no guys IRL to base him off of.

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WOW that was a lot. Thank you for getting through it! I’m sorry I rambled so much. It’s 7:13 am and I finished =D at 6:08. I wanted to get all my feelings down so if I ever redo them, I can look at this and see what I thought.  Feel free to leave a suggestion. I want the twins to keep their pigtails and =D to keep a ponytail though, just to keep their origins together. I’ve tried renaming them Scarlett, Flora, and Nina, but the names just don’t stick.

[bughead-fic-request]

I would like to thank @leaalda for making these amazing banners.

This is an effort to spread the word about all fan fiction writers in our little fandom. If you would like to be featured or nominate a writer, please contact me. Please reblog this post if you can and check out some of @onceuponamirror work!

1. First things first, if someone wanted to read your stories where can they find them.

Ao3! url: onceuponamirror, same as tumblr. i also post on them tumblr at this point. no longer using FF, but it's got old ouat stuff.  

2. Tell us a little about yourself.

I'm Sarah, i work in a creative field (i always vacillate between how much i like talking about my work on my blog, because i like to keep careers and hobbies separate) and i live in the states.

3. What do you never leave home without?

A hairbrush! my hair is wild

4. Are you an early bird or a night owl?

The utterly terrible combination of both

5. If you could live in any fictional world which one would you choose and why?

HP universe, obv, as long as i'm not also a muggle in this scenario. i mean. magic. need i say more??

6. Who is the most famous person you’ve ever met.

I mean like, what is fame / it's a different barometer for everyone. for me, i met Regina Spektor when i was 16 and that was like touching god for that time of my life but wouldn't be now. More currently, i've met some artists/musicians that meant a lot to me, but like...feel like they might not be considered famous in the sense asked by this question.

7. What are some of your favorite movies/TV?

Parks and Rec and The Office for tv. and for movies: tbh, The Princess Dairies.

also, i was mostly an OUAT blog for the last 5 or so years, though at this point have a love-hate relationship with that show, but all those years still gotta count for something.

8. What are some of your favorite bands/musicians?

Right now i'm listening to a lot of Sade, Rhye, and Sylvan Esso but Belle & Sebastian are one of those bands i've listened to my whole life and never gotten sick of, so there's that.

i like a real range of eras though; lot of groovy 70s disco, a lot of 50s dreamy doo-wop, etc. just depends on my mood.

9. Favorite Books?

I read a lot of psychology/sociology books, tbh all about love by Bell Hooks are kind of the greatest thing ever written and I highly recommend it and right now i'm reading a book about cultural relationships with independence in America. i'm into it.

But honestly I need to read more fiction because this stuff can be heavy to read back-to-back all the time. I'm on the lookout for healthy romance fiction, but it's hard to find fun rom-com books that don't feel cheesy and filled with internalized "i'm not like other heroines" misogyny.

I also like a lot of Haruki Murakami's books, but after a while, they all become some morphed story of "The Missing Wife and The Mysterious Talking Animal that leads the character through the seedy underbelly of magical realism"

(if you've read his books, you know what i'm talking about) (but if you haven't: read them!) (Kafka On The Shore and the wind-up bird chronicle are both great!)

10. Favorite Food?

Nectarines!  

11. Biggest pet peeve?

People being presumptuous. drives me bonkers

12. What did you want to be when you were little? What do you want to be now?

I'm one of those really lucky people who is doing exactly what i wanted to do as a little girl as an adult with a career!

13. What are your biggest fears? Do you have any strange fears?

I get freaked out by being near edges of any kind, which is probably just vertigo in disguise. I also don't like swimming out to spaces wherein you can't touch down (if you've read my fic heart rise above, this makes an appearance)

I also hate daddy-long-leg spiders because i used to have nightmares about them poking my eyeballs out with their freaky ass legs

14. When you are on your deathbed what would be the one you’d regret not doing?

As of right now, i'm young, so i'm trying not to look at things with regret already, but rather as things to learn from as i go forward.

Okay… lets talk about your writing!

15. Which is your favorite of the fics you've written for the Bughead fandom?

Well, i've only written 3, and one was a oneshot. The Winged Beast was something that i helped me over a lot of humps I'd been blocked by before, but I think Heart Rise Above has been an experience that has been kind of innumerably personal in terms of my growth as a writer and as an individual.

16. Which was the hardest to write, in terms of plot?

Both mc-fics have had their trials and tribulations but reaching 30k words in The Winged Beast kind of made me realize that I could do sustained plot, though for me, that story is a lot more about plot. It was a challenge to tackle the heavy themes that came up. I wanted to get it right, do it justice, but also a lot of those topics are not personal to me, so i was scared to handle it appropriately.

17. How do you come up with the ideas for you fic(s)? Do you people watch? Listen to music? Get inspired by TV/movies?

I'm actually really inspired by Hayao Miyazaki as a storyteller, even though he's known for animation. He has this quote that i really love, so i'll just share it:

I told [Hayao] Miyazaki I love the “gratuitous motion” in his films; instead of every movement being dictated by the story, sometimes people will just sit for a moment, or they will sigh, or look in a running stream, or do something extra, not to advance the story but only to give the sense of time and place and who they are.

“We have a word for that in Japanese,” he said. “It’s called ma. Emptiness. It’s there intentionally.”

Is that like the “pillow words” that separate phrases in Japanese poetry?

“I don’t think it’s like the pillow word.” He clapped his hands three or four times.

“The time in between my clapping is ma. If you just have non-stop action with no breathing space at all, it’s just busyness, but if you take a moment, then the tension building in the film can grow into a wider dimension. If you just have constant tension at 80 degrees all the time you just get numb.” (http://www.rogerebert.com/interviews/hayao-miyazaki-interview)

Ma as a concept of breath within scenes is something i really consciously put into my writing. Both as in breaks wherein it's just a quiet, observed action---and as in, literally. My characters are always physically exhaling and sighing and breathing between speaking. like. constantly. probably to a fault.

I also try to explore this through pacing and structure of paragraphs, as well. bricks of text are not fun to read, so i break things up a lot more than i probably should.

I get into my writing inspirations with more detail down a few questions, but: i always set out with thematic structures in mind.

For example, i wanted to write the winged beast because i'm super excited by the upcoming "class divide/civil war" plot for season 2 and wanted to write a canon divergent serpent jug story! i also wanted to address "dark betty" because i thought there was a lot more nuance to the anger inside her, coming from a place of moralistic justice and disillusionment, and not just simplified into some sort of evil alter ego.

I was seeing a lot of romanticization of the Southside serpents too, so it kind of turned into half of an exploration the cycle of gang psychology through classism; empathy but not rosy glasses. the fic kind of devolved into a story about drug epidemics too, at some point. idk. like i said above, heavy themes.

With heart rise above, it was the concept of time; how much we have of it, what we do with it, and how we handle the passage of it/marks left behind but i'll come back to that.

Tangentially to this original question, i think my training/career as an artist has had a pretty interesting impact on the way that i write. i'm a visual learner, and i see things so clearly in my head as moving scenes; as if i'm watching a movie of what i'm writing---but literally the whole picture. the music in the background to highlight the mood, the expressions on their faces as they happen, etc. it's also why i use a ridiculous amount of visual metaphors, i think, because i'm borderline obsessed with atmospheric graphics.

Idk if others do this too though, i haven't talked to a lot of other writers about process. (however if you'd like to, please please @ me, because that's my favorite thing in the world)

18. Idea that you always wanted to write but could never make work?

I think a multi-chapter (or, at least, more than 4) fic set in another era, or at least one that's pre-1900. I'd get too obsessed with making it feel relatable and readable but also being accurate to the history and getting all the facts right but also while really not wanting to write any "historically accurate" sexism/racism etc. so it just wouldn't work for me.

19. Least favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

Hmm. i think if i could go back and do it again, i would add in a lot more at the beginning of The Winged Beast and move things a lot more slowly as jug and betty got to know each other.

That story was a lot of me testing the waters and getting back into the swing of writing while also pushing myself to write a multi-chapter fic, which I'd never successfully done before, so i definitely set a low bar in the beginning. I wanted to keep it to like, 12 chapters, so I think I rushed things at the start.

20. Favorite plot point/chapter/moment you’ve written?

Disclaimer: this turned into an essay and I'm not even sure I answered the question

I feel like overall my favorite plot point is just thematic structure. I know that's a broad answer to a direct prompt, but I'm gonna take this there anyway because I get pitchy about process. so! i set out to explore a few things in Heart Rise Above. One: the cycle of a person's greatest strength usually also being their greatest flaw.

(Betty as a person who is so giving, that she never gives to herself. Jug as the apt observer, who observes within his own life rather than live it. etc etc)

Two: thematically, I really, really wanted to explore time.

I wanted explore both jug and betty coming to grips with the identities formed by adolescence and whether or not those have had inhibitive impacts---as in, coming to terms with change. insofar as represented physically, as friends all start to head in different directions or make career choices, but also emotionally, as people start making the personal growth decisions for ourselves that force them to often choose themselves over work, family, relationships, etc.

Basically: the reflective transition from childhood to adulthood, and how when we reach our mid-twenties we're kind of forced to think about what has defined the last 20 years of our life vs. how we want to define the next.

(lmao I'm also definitely working through some personal shit, considering i'm turning 25 soon) (like, really working through something)

This is also why I set the story with such a specific time constraint: a very looming 3 weeks that sets the stage for the relationship tension. it makes them both question a lot of what they're feeling and whether or not their emotions are exacerbated by time, or the opposite.

It's also why I heavily have peppered the story with quote-un-quote timeless americana aesthetics (the one the tv show loves playing with: neon signs, vintage cars, etc) (and on my end, also doo-wop music that is equal parts lovely and sad and absolutely meaningless in terms of language) because i really want the story to feel stagnant because of while also ominously shadowed by time.

Also omfg i'm sorry for unloading this actual goddamn thesis on a very simple question. i'm a massive over-thinker and I love to talk about this kind of thing and i haven't had a chance to put these thoughts out in such a direct way so it just exploded outta me. I'm sorry, I know this was annoyingly winded.

21. Favorite character to write?

Probably Veronica. Jughead is fun too, and has the kind of measured angst vs. wry wit that is satisfying to parcel out in sustained character growth, but Veronica has that kind of silver tongued whip that lets me exercise a type of voice i would never otherwise get to.

I mean, who the fuck else would say, "just enough décolletage to make your mail-order love interest swoon" and get away with it?

22. Favorite line or lines of dialogue that you've written?

Betty tucks a damp, tousled strand of hair behind her ear. Jughead's eyes follow the movement.

This line was the last sentence of chapter 6 of heart rise above. It was this intensely visual scene in my head that I really wanted to read that way; while saying almost nothing but representing a major shift in their relationship. i'm not sure it sells without the context, but within the chapter I feel like I pulled it off, so I'm proud of it.

23. Best comment/review you’ve ever received?

writing-as-tracey and @village-skeptic always leave me the kindest, most thoughtful reviews that really makes me feel stupid kinds of happy inside. I put a lot of thought into my writing and when the little details I don't want to over-sell but not go unnoticed are picked up on, it means so much.

24. How do you handle bad reviews or comments?

I had a troll once, which is different. I just deleted it all but I think being able to handle constructive criticism is really necessary in all parts of life, so it's important to take those kinds of points in stride and not personally. we always can be better!

25. If you could change anything in any of your stories, what would it be?

kinda answered this in #19

26. What is your favorite story you’ve ever written? Any fandom?

Definitely Heart Rise Above!

27. What are you reading right now? Both fan fiction and general fiction?

Answered for the on-paper books above in #9, but as bughead fics, really loving the work of @lessoleilscouchants, @sylwrites, and @stillscape right now! but there's so much more to get to, I feel like I'm just barely scratching the surface.

28. Do you have an advice for writers that want to get into this fandom but might be scared?

yo idk, i was kinda lurking on Riverdale for months and then i just...started writing for it, without really accepting or realizing that indicated how much i liked the show/bughead. it wasn't until about 30k into The Winged Beast that i was like "ok ok ok I guess i'm here now" and actually started sharing my fics on tumblr too.

Also, I'm honestly not sure if this question was meant to be about entering fandom or entering writing, so i'm just gonna answer it as both i guess.

So, I guess that means my advice is, very ironically, to not think too much about metrics beforehand, and just start doing it, which, I realize, sounds completely at odds for how much i've talked about process and over-thinking.

What i mean is: get passionate about what you want to write, and write it for yourself. I’m encouraged by reviews to an immeasurable degree, but i'm telling these stories because i really want to explore certain themes or certain parts of the characters i love. if you're not doing it because you're excited by it, you just won't have the motivation to get through it, honestly.

So find out what it is you love about Riverdale, or about your ship, or about your fave character. then write that down, and then make a story around that. if your favorite part about jughead is that he pushes people away because he's afraid of getting hurt, write a story about why he is that way. etc

Ask yourself a lot of questions about what or who you like and why you like that. fandom is a really useful looking glass into ourselves and reflecting on what we're interested in or have gone through by way of analyzing what it is that resonates with us. turning that into fic is just a deeper part of that self-exploration. (again---i love psychology)

And comment on other people's stories! that really creates the sense of back-and-forth that builds a community. but i'm still poking my head around the fandom side of Riverdale/bughead and am more or less still living on ole hermit mountain, so there's a long learning curve and an individual way to do it.

[kinetic-elaboration]

May 4: Thoughts on 4x10 Die All Die Merrily

So as expected this episode was generally pretty boring and focused primarily on the people, events, and actions that interest me absolutely the least in this show. But as I said, I was anticipating as much, so in a weird way, I was pleasantly surprised? I was expecting nothing and got a bit of something, whereas, for example, last episode I was expecting a lot and got less than nothing and was super disappointed. So... I actually feel kind of...good...for having watched it? Weird.

Anyway a few observations (in chronological order today because I actually paused to write down a few notes this time, which I don’t usually do for first watches):

Clarke would have sided with the council on the Ark, I think we’ve now more than established that. Her line to Roan “I want humanity to survive, even if it’s not my people” is pretty much indistinguishable from the guiding philosophy of the Ark, except that there were fewer “factions” on the Ark, so “my people” might mean, like, my family or my friends or this poor parent stealing medicine, etc. I’m not mad about this, I think it’s interesting. Clarke was so morally righteous about the Ark Council in early S1 but when push comes to shove she adopts their way of thinking: that the whole is more important than the parts. And even though I don’t have much by way of concrete thoughts on the Bellamy and Clarke stuff in this ep (yet?) I do think it’s inevitable, narratively, that they come to a head, because his guiding philosophy for the apocalypse is “We save who can we save today,” which is much more about the parts than the whole. (ETA: I do know she was lying but this is her philosophy, that the big picture is the most important thing. And while she was obviously taking the bunker for just her people, not the Grounders, she was also influenced by her belief that Luna would win, meaning that it was her people or nothing in her mind.)

I’ve never cared for Echo as a character or thought much about her appearance wise but she was looking hella hot in this episode.

Octavia’s Roan voice is hilarious. “I am a serious warrior now, a Damaged Person who’s Seen Things and Felt Tragedy and now wields Weapons of Death so I must talk in a low gravely voice all the time.” Imagine S4 Octavia stepping out of the dropship and snarling “We’re back bitches” lol.

I was thinking during the announcement of the champions (or whatever they’re called) that this Grounder language really makes no sense and is not consistent. I mean obviously they’re going to primarily speak English on this show but...didn’t they say once that only warriors understood English? I bet they’re regretting that line hardcore right now. Because it is QUITE obvious that everyone and their baby sister knows English.

Because my never-indulged-in kink is Emotional Conversations and Relationship Development there were a few scenes I liked. I enjoyed Bellamy and Octavia and Kane: I liked how smart Bellamy was (side note: the whole mess with Clarke and the twist ending could have been avoided with proper communication; she didn’t realize O had like a Great Plan in place to win and basically gave her up as a lost cause too soon haha), I liked the Octavia and Kane hug. I also enjoyed the Indra and Octavia scene, though it would have been better if their history wasn’t quite so...fraught. And I liked the Indra and Gaia and Kane and Bellamy scenes as well. Probably my favorite of this set was the Kane and Indra conversation, though. It still bugs me that we have no idea how they became the BroTP of BroTPs but...at least we have them.

Bellamy: “I will not stand for cheating! I will not stand for it!!!!!” The moral core of the show.

I hate Polis but it is a cool set, I will give it that.

Unpopular opinion but: Luna is the worst. I have never been a Luna fan. I liked her introduction and the first shot of her rig but ever since she’s been nothing but annoying and she’s been Extra Annoying this season. I do not regret in the least bit that she is gone lol. Maybe I should be interested by her whole philosophy and story or whatever but I’m just...not. It strikes me as very shallow and flat. Like absolutely the least amount of thought was put into it. Let’s-go-to-the-common-room-and-talk-about-apartheid Unyielding Morally Superior Undergraduate Faux Hippie devolves into Unyielding Pseudo-Goth all-humanity-is awful-without-question-or-exception kill machine is just not compelling I’m sorry.

Basically my biggest problem with this episode is that it is an Octavia episode and I’m just not that interested in her and haven’t been...well, ever, really, but I lost what little interest I did have in her when Lincoln was killed. Like, the episode was actually better written and plotted than I was expecting, but I still couldn’t really care about its main character. I do wonder why this is. Is it because of the fandom? Is it because her arc has been badly written? Is it just because it’s not to my taste, not bad in any way in particular but just not suited to my personality? I don’t know,

Re: the Roan and Echo scene: where tf did the word “sire” come from? Like I know what it means but has anyone ever called anyone else that on this show before, ever? It seems like kind of a weird word to survive the apocalypse considering these people’s closest real world ancestors are 20th century East Coast Americans lol.

Anyway, Roan was great in that scene, though. I liked his devotion to honor as an abstract concept not just like a badge you show to people so you can trick them into trusting you, and honestly it’s scenes like this that make me sad to see him go/hopeful that he’s not actually gone.

Also re: that scene, while I am of the belief that it’s Octavia, not Bellamy, who is at fault for the sibling rift, I did think the sequence where she overhears him talking about her was touching. Like I was touched ngl.

While watching Kane and Indra and appreciating their friendship, I started wondering if inter-clan dating/marriage/procreation is a thing. Like they all mingle together in places like Polis, certainly some people have got to fall in love outside of their little group. What happens then? Does one person leave their clan? Were there people watching the conclave who were like ‘well, my husband’s clan is gone but my birth clan is still in the race, I wonder if I can like sneak him in when we win?’

Re the deaths: I don’t care. As I said, I’ve never liked Luna, and as I might have mentioned repeatedly in other posts, I’ve never liked Ilian either so good riddance to bad rubbish that they’re gone. I’ve had a love-hate relationship with Roan, and my mom likes him so I feel bad for her that he’s gone, but my feeling generally is...if he does miraculously come back, that will be cool, but if he doesn’t, I won’t miss him. In a way, I’m glad for all of these deaths because I feel like they were supposed to be really Upsetting and Scandalous and maybe that means we’ve filled our quota of death for the season. (Also, except for arguably Roan, these are all the sort of people who die a lot on this show: mid-level guest stars, characters introduced earlier in the season, etc. These sort of deaths comfort me because they show me the writers have some idea of how to kill people in a “we gotta kill people SOMEtimes” environment, as opposed to deaths like Wells’s or Lincoln’s that are just like ???? narratively.)

As for the ending...I know O made the right call morally and that in a sense it was the only thing she could do in this story and in order to fulfill the theme. She had to say the bunker is for everyone because that’s the truly humane thing to do; it not only honored Lincoln, it showed how wrong Luna was about the inherent badness of people. But...honestly when she was talking my first thought was to groan and think that this means that YET AGAIN an ENTIRE EPISODE was literally and completely POINTLESS like omg will literally ANYTHING happen EVER??

And the ending...Ok. IDK what to think of Clarke’s decision morally, like I didn’t have an instinctual reaction to it and I haven’t thought much about it because I just finished the ep like half an hour ago... but practically speaking, as it turned out, it was really dumb lol. If she had just let things run their course, Octavia would have won anyway, and then they’d be in place to keep the bunker without betraying anyone (or, more importantly, causing damage to the incredibly precarious political peace that Roan established with the conclave idea) and it would be fine. I mean, she’d have to contend with O’s promise to give space to other people but like I said, I don’t think Arkadia still has 1200 people so there’s wiggle room here. Plus, Octavia’s pronouncement made everyone all warm and fuzzy and compliant for literally the first time possibly EVER, so I think arguably some nice diplomacy, like by Kane perhaps, could have had at least a shot of smoothing things over. But nope. Griffin’s gotta do it all herself.

Basically, I’m saying: way to have faith in your friend, Clarke. Yet again she says all the right things, but then just like...does whatever the fuck she wants (see what I did there?) otherwise. I mean it’s very consistent and definitely IC of her and in that sense I can’t be mad, especially because her ruthlessness is actually one of my favorite traits of hers in a way but... I would like to see her grow. Finally. A little.

In particular “I have no choice,” “I did it because I had to,” “I’m doing what I have to do” and all variants thereof need to die. Or at least be Called Out. Because it’s never true that only one choice exists to a person, first of all. And second, it’s obnoxious. It’s a pass the buck phrase if ever there was one. I guess what I’m saying is I’d like Clarke to take responsibility for her actions finally, especially because I think she’s had enough opportunity to learn this lesson.  I thought maybe her S3 experiences might have helped. Also and most significantly, experimenting on herself instead of Emori in 4x08 did seem to be her finally comprehending that “I have no choice” is a falsehood. I know she was still being a martyr when she did it (her misuse of the Dante line) but STILL. UGH.

Also...obviously there’s a lot of THE SKY PEOPLE ARE BECOMING MT. WEATHER AHHHH going on, and it’s not subtle (experimenting on people, “welcome to Mt. Weather,” the gas canisters that are literally from Mt. Weather, the 4x09 blockade), but I don’t...really know what to make of it tbh. It’s falling a bit flat but I don’t know if that’s just me being dumb and/or unappreciative or if it’s a problem with the construction.

Yay two seconds of Miller. I love seeing him as a leader type.

BUT...sorry, what is this ridiculous stuff about each Station getting like half a floor though? Alpha, Mecha, Farm, and the occupants of prison station made it to the ground. That’s it. And most of Farm was killed by Ice Nation either during the hiatus or in 3x03. So, like, where are these alleged Hydra station survivors? Are our three Factory people (Bellamy, Octavia, and Mel) going to get a whole level to themselves or something? The inconsistency, it astounds.

And...yep, that’s that.