#this sounds semi insane to say. dont worry about it.

[vampmilf]

someone check back with me in an hour and then that first number better be over 6k

[brelione]

The Surfer And The Siren

The Shell,The Phone and The Date

JJ had picked up the shell,Pope insisting that it had simply gotten caught in the propellers and had somehow escaped and landed on the dock.JJ knew it was bullshit,that it had to have been cause by the same thing that he had seen that morning.That thing had been you.

You wanted to stay at the dock in hopes of seeing him tomorrow morning but you had to get back to the cave to see Richard.You went up to the surface for a moment,taking in a little bit of air,looking over to John.B’s house.An interesting thing it was,messy,run down and always full of laughter.You grinned to yourself before going back under the water,getting back to your cave a long while before Richard.

JJ put on his hat,John.B patting his back and telling him to “Just go for it”.The blonde was standing outside with the pogues,getting ready to go inside and talk to Richard in hopes of getting a date with you.JJ nodded,opening the door,bell jingling and alerting Richard.He was calm tonight,not worried about you getting kidnapped by Ward or something like that. 

“Evening,Jesse.What can I do for you?”Richard asked,his voice raspy from his coughing.JJ bit his lip,playing with his fingers nervously. “Um...so (Y/N)....does she have a phone?”JJ asked,chewing the inside of his cheek as he waited for an answer.Richard chuckled at his nervousness. “You’ve got a crush,I see.I can give you a number and she’ll answer you when she can.She’s a busy girl.”Richard chuckled,grabbing his pen and notepad,hand shaking slightly as he wrote down his own phone number and handing it back to JJ.

JJ’s eyebrows furrowed,trying to figure out why it was so easy and if this was a trick of some sort.JJ thanked him quietly,leaving the store and holding up the paper slip. “I got the number.”He smiled,Kiara hitting his arm in excitement. “You got the number?”She asked.JJ nodded,putting the paper in his pocket while Pope just stood,completely shocked.

 “So what now?Are you going to call her?”He asked.JJ frowned,realising that he hadnt even thought that far ahead yet. “Not today but maybe tomorrow morning.”He answered,tucking the paper into his pocket where it would be safe.

Richard locked the door,heading out the back and getting into his old car,starting it up and beginning his journey to your cave.You would be pleased to hear that the Maybank boy would be able to talk to you now.Thats what he thought,at least.He didnt know that you had gotten JJ to bring that shell inside.

That wouldn't really do much for you.You’d be able to hear him and see him for a split second if you were lucky but you couldn't communicate through that.You lifted yourself onto your rock,letting out a loud sigh as bubbles fizzed in the water due to the crashing waves outside.You grunted,lifting yourself out of the deep pool of water and onto the sand,rolling across in a disgustingly ungraceful way to grab a poptart and a t shirt from the bags that Richard had given to you,realizing that you were shirtless.

You smirked to yourself when you saw a shiny,pearl like shell,the object dragging itself across the sand and into your hand.You kept thinking back to the conversation you had heard between JJ and his friends,smiling at the thought.

You hoped you’d see him next time you went on land,maybe even get to talk to him.You lifted the shell to your lips,closing your eyes. “JJ Maybank.”You whispered,lifting it to your ear to hear chuckling. “John.B,you're the stupidest person I know!”You heard him exclaim,followed by a small cough. “You just choked on a dorito so fuck you!”John.B shouted back before the sound got muffled by something,probably someone sitting on it or something getting thrown on top of it.

You watched an Iphone get dropped down the opening in the rocks,followed by Richard’s rope latter as the old man held onto it,climbing down. “Guess what.”He grinned,brushing the sand off of the phone.You raised an eyebrow,opening a sundae flavored pop tart. “The Maybank boy asked for your number,you dont have a number but I gave him mine so now you can take this,”He waved the phone in the air.

 “And you can get some blonde boy dick.”He exclaimed,putting it down on top of the dry string bag.You felt your face grow hot,biting into to poptart. “Shut the fuck up,Rich!What do I even say to a teenage boy?Its been like...a couple of decades since I made a new guy friend.What do people even talk about now?”You asked,sliding back into the water,getting off the sand that had gotten stuck between your scales.

He shrugged,sitting down and putting his feet in the water. “Maybank,he’s a real ladies man.He’s probably gonna have something to talk about.If you go on land with him next month you need to stay safe,away from cops and away from the Cameron’s.Dont tell him about yourself either,you already know that.”He grabbed for your poptart,breaking off the corner.You sighed,flicking your fins to make the ends touch. 

“So if I hang out with him next month you wont be mad?”You asked,pulling the wet cotton black shirt away from your skin,water drops dripping from it.He shook his head,taking the poptart wrapper from you and putting it into his pants pocket so he could throw it away when he got back to his house. “I wont be but Blue probably will.”He answered,eyes focusing on the bubbles at the surface.

You bit the inside of your cheek,tightening your hand around the shell before tossing it to the bottom of the pool. “The dryads missed you a lot.Word around the island says that a ton of little girls with green hair were running around the docks the other day.None of em’ speak english though,I think you’ve got to talk to them and remind them that this place isnt like it used to be.

Maybe go up to the river tomorrow to see them so I dont have too.”He pulled at the wrinkly skin of his wrists,kicking his feet back and forth under the water.You nodded,scratching at your eyebrow. “I mean,they’re trees.They cant really do much damage except stealing donuts and giggling for no god damn reason.”You shrugged,hoping you wouldnt have to go and talk to the dozens of tree children.

As you thought about it,flicking your fin back and forth under the unnaturally warm water the phone dinged.You gasped,lifting your hand up,the smart phone colliding with your palm.You let out an excited squeal,smacking Richard on the arm.

Hey :) Its JJ,the blonde guy from the store last night. 

“Is it him?”Richard asked,equally excited.You nodded,staring at the text. “Well what did he say?”Richard asked,falling into the water as he tried to see what the boy had said. “Oh my holy Jesus-he’s totally flirting with you right now!”He exclaimed,gripping the rock and pulling himself out of the water,shaking slightly as he did so.You began to type,Richard trying to see what you were saying. “What are you typing?”He asked impatiently.

Hey :) Richard said he gave you my number,you typed out,staring at it to make sure that it looked okay before sending it.

“She read it!”JJ exclaimed,watching as three floating dots came across the bottom of his screen. “Is she answering?”KIara asked,leaning across the couch to watch as you typed. “What do I say?”He asked,not wanting to fuck up.Pope became intrigued,looking at the screen. 

“Ask her how her day went.”Pope suggested,trying to read upside down as JJ typed. “No-that’s dry texting.Get into depth and ask her about her political views and what she wants to do with her life and what her zodiac sign is!”Kie argued,trying to take the phone from JJ. “What the fuck,Kie?I dont want to freak her out!”JJ exclaimed,checking how long it had been since you sent the text.

Two minutes. “Fuck,now she thinks im ignoring her.You know what?Im just gonna ask what shes doing.”JJ went to type,only to have John.B shout at him. “GIrls hate that!Ask her how she knows Richard!”John.B urged him to type quickly.JJ typed as fast as he could go without making any spelling mistakes,sending the text.

He watched nervously as he saw the ‘read’ receipt,waiting for you to answer him. “Family friend,living situation is kind of complicated ig.”He read out loud,biting his lip as he thought about what to say. “Relatable lmao I go between my friend’s houses all the time”He replied,hoping he hadnt gone too far into detail about his person life.

You bit at your tumb nail,Richard asking you what was happening but you shushed him. “Felt that.My parents decided to head out when I was like seven so that sucks.”You answered,leaning so that you were half in and half out of the water,your arms stretched outwards as you typed.

He was really fast at replying,agreeing that it sucked that your parents abandoned you and also explaining that his mother had done the same when he was six.You knew that you felt a connection to him for other reasons besides the fact that he looked exactly like your deceased lover,grinning slightly to yourself. “Twinsies.So hows your life going now?”You sent the message,cringing at the vocabulary.

That probably wouldve got you sent to an insane asylum if you had said that in the forties.You put the phone down for a moment,letting Richard read the messages as you swam to the bottom of your pool quickly,searching for the shiny shell that you had heard the blonde through earlier.You picked it up,kicking off the bottom with your fins and wiping the hair from your forehead when you resurfaced,attempting to dry your hands on the rocks.

You wiped a water drop from your nose with the back of your hand,whispering into the shell.Richard smiled,asking you to let him listen to it for a second.You let him,watching as he held the shell to his ear with one hand,the other hand going to cover his mouth. “What?What are they saying?”You asked,taking the shell back and trying to focus on listening. “He’s gonna ask you on a date!Get the phone-get the phone-get the phone!”He whispered loudly,too excited to grab it himself.

You used your arms to semi drag yourself out of the water,reaching for it. “Im getting the phone!Chill the fuck out!”You giggled,staring at the screen. “Is he typing?”RIchard asked,nearly slipping as he got out of the pool and sat in the sand,squinting and watching the screen. “Do you wanna maybe hang out tomorrow?”You gasped at the message,screaming to Richard.

 “He wants to hang out tomorrow!”You exclaimed,not knowing what to say. “Shit-telll him that you have work and that you cant hang out until….July 26th im pretty sure.”He answered,trying to recall when the next full moon would be.You sighed,pinching the bridge of your nose. “Thats a month from now.What would I be doing for a whole month straight?”You asked,trying to come up with a decent lie.

He bit the inside of his cheek,trying to think of a good answer. “Working and doing something confidential that you cant tell him about.Tell him that you’ll tell him about your job when he sees you so he’ll be more excited to see you.”Richard nodded to himself.

JJ frowned as your answer came onto the screen.By now Pope and John.B had fallen asleep,Kiara too interested in what was going on with you to sleep. “She says she has work too much and cant hang out until the 26th.”He grumbled.Kiara nearly shouted,instead taking his phone to make sure he had read it correctly.

She began to type,making JJ nervous. “Kie-Kie what are you doing!Dont send that without showing me!”He yelled,not caring if he woke up the boys.It was too late though,she already sent a text,smiling when she gave it back to him. Cool,I’ll see you then ig.Do you want to go to the beach or something? She had typed,pretending to be him.It wasnt that bad,in fact,he was glad that she had sent it cause he wouldnt have the balls to. “Yeah,okay.So like 8pm on the 26th?”Was your response,making him blush. “Sounds like a date.”He replied.

@hazel-maybank​  @milamaybank​ @drewswannabegirl​ @teamnick​ @unmotivatedwritings​  @danicarosaline​ @sexualparkour​  @asaks6082 @mac-daddy-210​ @prejudic3 @n1ghtsh4d3-67  @nas-marie-loves-u @28cnn @sexytholland  @yuxsh06   @ifilwtmfc @cherryobx @poguestarkey   @poguestyleskye @judayyyw  @sunwardsss @outerbongs  @copper-boom @nas-marie-loves-u @28cnn @sexytholland  @yuxsh06   @ifilwtmfc  @cherryobx @poguestarkey @n1ghtsh4d3-67  @poguestyleskye @judayyyw  @sunwardsss @meaganjm @sarcasticsagittarius1998 @jj-fic-recs @homophobicclownmoviestan @jj-iz-bae @natalie-kate-98 @negativity4you​ @nxsmss @outerbongs  @copper-boom  @httpstarkey @teenwaywardasgardian @simonsbluee   @jiaraendgame  @khiaraaa-in-spacee 

Comment with a smiley face if you’d like to be added to the taglist.

[marshmallowprotection]

Idk, i just wanted to do this.

“Bora, it has come to mine, and everyone else’s attention, that you have not seen a doctor in years, so I would like to schedule an appointment for you to see one. When would work best for you?” Jumin said to bora at the dinner table. It wasn’t the first time they have eaten dinner together, maybe the eight, it took a while just for bora to eat her meals with him, or any meal that wasn’t a protein bar.

Feeling her nerves start up, the urge to panic began to bubble up, Bora desperately does not want to go to a doctor, those few times she has been were scary. Strange people kept trying to touch her, inject her with things, but the worst is how her parents treated her afterwards, making the tired girl scrub the floors till exhaustion took over her body. They said it was for ‘wasting their money on her’

“I’m alright, but thank you Mr. Han,” bora says respectfully, she pushes what is left over from her meal around on her plate, avoiding jumin’s stare.

“ I think it would be in your best interest to see a doctor, the doctors are highly skilled and some of the best pediatricians in the country,” jumin tries to talk the small child into seeing a doctor. Lucien said that the last time she had been to a doctor was five years ago, and for someone of her age, it is unacceptable and neglectful. Besides, any person can tell she has health issues that need to be addressed immediately. Jumin pretends not to notice how she walks with a small limp, or how her left eye tends to drift to the side when she is tired, or how she is constantly cold, how easily she gets winded, someone who is fifteen should not have to deal with all of these health problems.

Playing with the sleeves of her hoodie, she avoids all eye contact. She just needs to come up with an excuse, anything to get her out of this situation, but she just cant leave the table without being excused,” I’m really okay Mr. Han, I’m as fit as a fiddle” ‘yeah, maybe a broken fiddle’ the young girl thought to herself as jumin gives her a look of disappointment, they both know she needs help, but she won’t admit to it.

“Bora, I know we have known each other for a long time, but please, just let me bring you to a doctor, or if you feel more comfortable one can come here for you.” Jumin looks the nervous girl in the eye.

“Thank you for the offer Mr. Han, but I respectfully decline. I will be heading to my room now if that’s alright?” Her asks standing up, taking her dirty dishes in her hands, wanting to just wash and put them aways before going to her room. Maybe she could even sneak out tonight.

“ Alright bora, but if you get sick, or if your condition worsens, I will send for a doctor. “ he says taking a sip of his drink, jasmine tea. He tries to not drink in front of Bora, it would make him a bad influence, and he was still unsure what her boundaries are. Pushing her too much wont cause progress, only setbacks.

One am always seems like a good time to go on a walk, especially when the neighborhood is as safe as the one the penthouse building was in. Bora, dressed in two hoodies, a scarf, and sweatpants made her way down three blocks before her phone began to blow up. It was none other than the rfa group chat, well more specifically seven spamming her in their private messaging inbox. ‘Oh, I guess he knows,” she thinks to herself while answering the frantic texts from everyone.

Her phone starts to ring, only to see zen’s icon pop up, bora smiled. Zen is the person in the rfa she feels most relaxed with, he just has a vibe to him that puts her at ease right away.

“ hello?” Bora asks, not knowing why everyone is freaking out so much, she is just going on a small walk.

“Bora? Where are you? Are you okay?” Zen asks frantically, he can’t stop imagining the worst scenario.

“Yeah I’m good, a bit cold but I’m doing well. Why?”

“Bora, you can’t just leave the apartment whenever you feel like it, there is a hacker on the loose and its dangerous out there, and cold. Please tell me you at least are dressed warm.”

“ okay, I’m wearing something warm.” She lied through her teeth, hearing a low humming of a bike in the background she takes a seat.

“Where are you? I’m coming to get you.”

“I’m at the convince store on 27th and 3rd. But I can get home myself.

“I’m on my way, you’re lucky you’re close by.” With that he ends the call as bora sits in the cold. Now that she isn’t moving, the cold is getting to her. Bringing her knees up to her chest, bora begins to shake. She wished she didn’t stop moving.

Soon enough the sound of a motorcycle got louder and louder till it was in sight. Seeing the infamous silver ponytail flowing underneath the helmet, she immediately knew it was zen.

Stopping right in front of bora, zen undid his helmet,” I thought you said you were wearing warm clothes?” Zen asks the shivering girl.

“These are my warm clothes,” she says as zen takes his gloves off to give them to bora. Helping her put them on, he realizes how tiny she actually is. On of his hands complete;y envelopes her hand, but what really shocked him was how she only came up to his chest, a nearly one foot difference. Putting the spare helmet on her head, zen leads her over to his bike.

“Now remeber bora, you aren’t allowed on this bike, but this will be the one exception. Dont let go of me.”

The ride back to the penthouse was short, but bora was shaking like a leaf. It had gotten colder and the combination of the bike and the cold taken everything out of the poor child. Helping her off of the bike, zen guides her back into the penthouse.

“Bora? What were you thinking?” Jumin asks when she walks through the door, being escorted by zen. Elizabeth comes up to greet bora, and zen immediately begins o sneeze,

“I’m gonna head out, that white hair ball is making my allergies act up again” he says between sneezes. Giving the girl a quick head pat zen takes off, leaving bora to face Jumin.

“It is not the time to give you a lecture, we will discuss this in the morning. For now get changed and get to bed. “ he says as bora just nods and rushes off to her room, Elizabeth the third following not too far behind.

*next day*

Bora wakes up insanely hot, but she is shivering. Her head feels like someone hit it with a truck, and lets just say, it looks like there are two Elizabeths hovering over her.

“I told her that if she every got sick, I’d call a doctor. Please do it quickly, she isn’t a fan of doctors.” A deep voice says in the background.

“ oh! I think she is awake,” another unfamiliar voice says and she feels a calloused hand on her forehead.

“Hello, bora? Can you hear me?” Jumin asks the semi delirious girl as her eyes wander around.

“Hi, I’m sorry, I just i- i mean- i just had a - just had a bad memory moment. I’m sorry.” The sick girl nearly cries, but who could blame her, she was so sick that she could barely mutter nonsense as the doctor made her drink medicine.

“I don’t want to see a doctor,” bora says quietly as the doctor finishes packing up his things, not realizing that the doctor had already come.

“Okay bora, just close your eyes” it’s always easier to play along when people get like this, but seeing her wrapped up in multiple blankets, with pillows laying all around her so she wont roll out of bed was cute by itself, but Elizabeth made her way over to bora, and climbed in between her hair and neck. Now that is adorable.

//sorry this was really long and not good, I’m just really tired and i needed to get this out of my head

Thank you for sending me this! Bora is very nervous and feels so much trepidation when it comes to asking for help. She feels like she can get through it without speculation and grown ups telling her what to do. She knows she needs to slowly work on herself but it's hard going from having nothing to having everything. And, it's not easy to just eat when you've got a small stomach and a tiny appetite. That takes time. That's one of the many things she has to accept and be able to work on.

She feels a lot of shame with it, with her health, nobody ever really let her be a kid. Or, a kid who needed to relax and have a sick day. It's not easy to have so many people worried about her, either, and it takes time to learn that she can't just up and leave when she feels bad.

[ravenaveira]

Ok, time for my review of Kh3 Re:Mind Dlc

This is gonna be long, so be prepared, and yes there will be many spoilers so if you dont want spoilers of the game then you probably shouldnt read this, but if you dont care then stick around.

I will start off with my unbiased and critical opinion.

From the title menu alone you already know what this game is gonna be about. Kairi is gonna be center focus, or should say specifically Sokai, and Riku will be virtually non existent.

Now I know what your thinking, well duh its all about saving Kairi of course Riku wont have that big a role and she’ll be the main focus, and to that I say no shit sherlock I already knew that. My issue isnt that it was Kairi focused because I already knew that and still pre-ordered the DLC, but my issue is what this title screen represents and my fears were proven correct.

Let me elaborate

Riku is just as much of a friend to Sora as Kairi is, from the beginning of the series its always been Sora, Riku, and Kairi, thats the way its ALWASY been. But from this title screen I could tell Riku’s bond with them wasnt gonna be present at all and I was right.

I’ll elaborate further

I know Im jumping way ahead here but bare with me, at the end of the game after Sora rescues Kairi they travel the worlds together, Sora notices he is fading away which is why he goes to the many different worlds he has visited but now with Kairi, spending his final moments with her before he finally disapears.

See the problem? Sora doesnt involve Riku at all in his final moments being alive, he is just completely absent during his entire remaining life. Sora only spends time with Kairi during his final moments, Riku wasnt shown with them once.

I know some people say well we dont know how long Sora was alive before vanishing and he was probably the one who organized the party, but did we see that though? did we see any signs that Sora was alive for more than a day or two? did we see Sora talking to anyone like he was setting anything up? NO, it was all about Kairi and Riku was completely forgotten.

I can understand if Sora wasnt dying then it wouldnt matter how much time he spends with Kairi alone, but Sora was fading away ANY SECOND and he didnt spend any of his remaining time with Riku at all, even at the beach party who is Sora sitting next to alone with before he finally vanishes? Kairi. That is inexcusable and a huge insult to Riku and his bond with Sora, hes just completely excluded, that is unforgivable.

These new added scenes to the ending actually made it worse than the original version of it, before we didnt even know Sora was around for more than a day and just assumed they all had a beach party afterwards to celebrate getting everyone back and saving the world, but now we know Sora was actually around for an extended period of time and made no effort to spend time with anyone other than Kairi, not even his best friend Riku did he spend time with for his final hours, that is despicable.

Another major issue is how Sora keeps saying his journey started with losing Kairi in this game, as if Riku wasnt ALSO lost that day, as if Riku wasnt the reason Sora kept on his journey even after saving Kairi and sending her back to Destiny Islands, as if he didnt fall to his knees and bawl his eyes out finally reuniting with him, as if he wasnt content with spending the rest of his life trapped in the Realm of Darkness with Riku, as if for the entirety of the base game of kh3 Sora wasnt constantly and only thinking about Riku and how many things he wished he could show him.

Apparently in Remind none of that happened, none of that mattered, it was Kairi that was his main motivation, it was Kairi that started his journey, Riku wasnt involved in it at all.

That is a huge issue with this DLC, it treats Riku like a side character and of little importance to Sora, in the base game they handled them fine minus that on instance in the Keyblade Graveyard where Sora says ‘Alone, Im worthless’ even though Riku’s right there but other than that their relationship and bond was handled very well but in Remind? practically non existent.

Now onto the story aspect, if your not into time travel and have trouble understanding the many variations of it then your gonna have a bad time because it gets VERY confusing to follow, which is why you should never introduce time travel because it becomes way too complicated to keep track of and not only that you also have to worry about things like paradoxes, ripples in time, alternate timelines etc. Its a complete clusterfuck to keep up with and manage so time travel really shouldnt have been introduced in this series.

Chirithy tells Sora that no matter what he cant change the past again, yet there are times where Sora does just that so exactly what cant he change? for example, when Roxas appears he asks Sora to do him a favor which is essentially getting the X back from Xemnas in their names. Sora does several things to make this happen and even Kairi gets a couple swings at Xemnas this time but then the two of them are basically caught and restrained inside shadow balls [pause]

See the prob? this is a huge change to that fight, Kairi never took a single swing at Xemnas, she just stood there and got snatched up, Roxas never asked Sora for help getting the X’s back from Xemnas, and Sora and Kairi never got restrained by Xemnas and knocked out.

Chirithy explicitly said Sora cant change what happened and no matter what he has to accept it for what it is, yet here he is, changing what happened. Maybe you could argue well this is an alternate timeline, even if it is that makes all of this irrelevant and means it never happened because the true ending is the one where it didnt happen, making this semi useful Kairi moment really pointless because at the end of the day its not canon, her being useless is the true outcome, none of this matters.

That is extremely disappointing, so even if you alter the past for the better it doesnt matter because its an alternate timeline and that timeline isnt the real one making this whole redo pointless and time consuming for a short DLC that was an extra 30$ to play.

So the time travel is very confusing and even if you follow it, it ends up being very disappointing when you realize none of it matters.

Moving on to some of the tied loose ends, Im glad they explained why Aqua froze up after saying ‘We stand together’ and I like how we get to see how Young Xehanort came to have the beliefs that lead to what he did and also MOMs subtle influence on him succumbing to darkness.

He told Xehanort that he would outgrow the robe and no longer need it because if he was truly powerful then he’d be the one controling the darkness, this leads to Xehanort later begining to travel without the robe and being corrupted. So we know now that MOM also influenced that as well and is very sketchy, even more now than he was before since this action greatly influenced what Xehanort eventually does and all the pain he caused, all of which would have probably never happened if it wasnt for him.

But thats just my theory and what I got from it.

I liked that we got to see Namine for a brief moment where Sora basically brushes her off and completely forgets about thanking her, this is a plotline Im pretty sure at this point is just never going to get resolved. He just tells her to go to the Final World and walks off, which makes no sense because Sora was surprised to see her in the original playthrough.

Another change was Lingering Will dying to protect Sora, again this never happened because Sora was busy fighting alongside everyone in the maze while Lingering Will and Terranort were fighting away from them. After Lingering Will died for him then Sora is pretty much squeezed to death by Terranorts Stand, or atleast knocked unconscious.

So much about these are just so confusing as to how they are happening when Chirithy said the events couldnt be changed I just stopped questioning it.

But atleast this time its made clear that Namine is the one who sent Lingering Will to help everyone and how she did it, so now people can stop saying Kairi is the reason everyone survived because it wasnt, without Lingering Will they would have all died a second time.

Basically the first half of the DLC is just recap with some minor changes and additions to the cutscenes, you get to play as other characters like Riku [optional] Aqua [not optional] and Roxas [optional] but other than that its basically the same thing all over again for the first 3-4 hours of the DLC, that is ridiculous.

The new content finally starts when Kairi is shattered, funny how the game gets good after Kairi dies xD I’ll stop.

Anyway once Kairi dies is when we finally get explorable Scala, but not without having to endure an insane fight with tons of heartless and nobodies and yes its more complicated than you think. It doesnt matter how many heartless or nobodies you kill, they will keep coming until you kill this one red heartless with way more health than your average heartless has.

After that you can pretty much wander around Scala as you wish and this is the only time where you can buy items or food so make sure to do that if your low on items. If your low on money there are minor enemies there that you can kill to get some so take advantage of this opportunity because your not getting another one.

Your goal in Scala is to basically run around, solve a couple puzzles, and get 5 of Kairi’s heart shards, revealed to having to be 7 later on. Sound fun? besides being able to see more of Scala’s layout, not really. But its a good place to take a breather before getting back into the big battles ahead.

Unfortunately your actually forced to fight the armored organization again but thankfully you dont have to do the ENTIRE final battle over, just that one section which I appreciate but wish we didnt have to do any of it at all.

So after we’re done Scala we get in MY opinion the two best parts of the entire DLC. We get to see what was going on with the rest of the keyblade wielders back home and it was INSANE and extremely well done, everybody had a chance to shine.

When everyone was swept away and Mickey was down and out, it was amazing seeing Mickey push himself back up and slowly with what little strength he had take on all the armor organization BY HIMSELF severely weakened, yet still powerful enough to hold them off and stand his ground. He really showed us WHY he is the King, so THAT I really enjoyed. It was extremely well done and one of the most memorable parts of the DLC.

The next part was even more insane and well done, which is us getting to fight as all the keyblade wielders against the armored organization and even get some cool dialog and team attacks in between, it was just amazingly well done seeing everyone work together and switching between characters was just so epic and enjoyable.

Honestly I could play those two parts over and over again and enjoy it everytime, their just that good and the most memorable in the entire DLC.

Coming back with Kairi and killing Xehanort together with all the keyblade wielders including Kairi this time was satisfying to see but it excludes Xehanorts and Eraquses final words, I mean yea seeing Xehanort have a semi happy ending put off alot of people but at the same time, seeing Xehanort come to the realization that he was wrong about everything and giving the Wayfinder trio closure by seeing their master one last time and hearing his apology to them just held more weight to me.

Im not saying I think Xehanort should be redeemed as easily as he was, but I feel like excluding Eraqus and their final words made the ending feel hollow, just ok we beat the bad guy, happily ever after now. Thats pretty lackluster and unsatisfying In my opinion.

Finally the ending....

Heres where Im gonna be biased and give my personal thoughts. Warning if your a fan of Kairi skip to the very end of the review where I give my overall rating

I hate the ending, for the reasons I listed in the beginning but also many others. I get the main focus was gonna be Kairi since the DLC was about saving her, Im not mad about the obvious, Im mad about the execution.

The Sokai agenda was so forced and apparent its not even funny, they shove it in your face so hard yet when Sora is talking with Chirithy he still refers to Kairi as a friend, really? your shoving this pairing down our throats just to have Sora still friendzone her? Im not mad because I dont want them together anyway but I hate the games being played here, you either want them together or you dont, pick a friggin side Nomura.

And while we’re on the subject, I hate, HATE, how this game is so heavily romance focused when Kingdom Hearts was NEVER about romance to begin with, it was always about friendship and bonds. Not in this DLC though, no now its all about Kairi and being with her forever, traveling the world together, holding hands, all this lovey dovey nonsense nobody invested in the plot could give a rats behind about.

Sure people who are into Kingdom Hearts for the romance of course they dont mind, but Im pretty sure MOST people invested in this series are in it for the story, not some stupid pairing, and I HATE how much they shove it down your throat because it is just so forced and obvious what they were doing.

This was all damage control for Kairi, who has been a useless damsel in distress and dues ex machina in every single game shes been a part of. I repeat, EVERY SINGLE GAME SHES A PART OF.

Kh1 - Kidnapped, unconscious, Sora needs to die to save her.

Kh2 - Kidnapped, held hostage, Sora needs to find and save her.

Kh3 - Kidnapped, unconscious, is killed twice, Sora needs to die to save her.

Do you see what I fricken mean? Every fuckin game its the same danm thing over and over and quite frankly Im sick of it. You might as well say this is a Mario game because Kairi is princess Peach always gettin snatched up and Sora is Mario always going through insanely deadly trials to get her back, and then it happens all over again.

This DLC was damage control for that, instead of immediately getting snatched up by Xemnas she actually gets a few good swipes at him to no avail of course, and then she fights together with Sora against armored Xehanort, all of which is just damage control for her not doing anything in the entire franchise and pandering to her fanbase that are constantly screeching for playable Kairi and for her to do something.

It was also damage control for how non existent their relationship was and what a joke its been since Kh1. They arent fooling anybody because thats exactly what this was, otherwise why you have to try so hard to CONVINCE us how important she was to Sora? why did Riku have to get sidelined so much just to boost Kairi up? why’d Sora completely disregard Riku as a part of his journey? why did Sora not spend ANY time with ANYONE for his final moments alive? its so obvious why. The only way to convince anyone shes actually important and relevant is to play down everyone else or exclude them entirely.

Congratulations, you got your wish, good for you fandom, but at what cost?

The time they spent forcing so much Sokai could have been used to tie up way more loose ends than there were but nope, gotta squeeze in that Sokai, thats what yall really here for right? fuck off.

The two best moments of the game was so short lived its not even funny, this DLC was full of so much padding in the first half, forced romance and pandering for damage control they forgot to actually make this a decent DLC.

Since I recorded my gameplay from start to finish I can actually tell you the amount of old content vs the new

3-4 hours of mostly what we already seen with a few changes, I only died twice

1-2 hours of new content, probably less because I got lost and died alot

That is unacceptable, 30$ for only 10% new content? that is a robbery.

Not only that but the worst part is the Limitcut episode, databattles have always been optional for competative players who like the challenge. Now you are FORCED to fight these INSANELY hard bosses, all 13 in order to get the final bits of the aftermath of the story.

WE PAID FOR THIS, this wasnt free we PAID for it and yet we’re basically told ‘Hey if your a casual player and want the rest of the story? well you gotta fight 13 of these insanely hard databattles that used to be optional but now their madatory for you to get the rest of your moneys worth. Too difficult? cant do it? well too danm bad, get good or go home we got your money already so screw you guess you’ll never know’

That is a fucking robbery and a huge slap in the face to people who are invested in the story, not proving their the best by fighting insanely difficult battles no matter what difficulty your on. It wouldnt be an issue if this was always the case, but these battles were always OPTIONAL for competetive players to do if they WANTED to, but now its mandatory and if you cant do it then oh well middle finger to you.

I couldnt even beat Vanitas, I fought him first and then Luxord and I couldnt beat either of them so I just said fuck it and went on youtube to see what I paid to see for free. 30$ wasted on a game I cant even finish, your out of your fucking mind if you think thats fair and excusable.

Thats why at the end of the day I give it a 5/10, its not good but its not bad either, its just decent. But if you asked me if it is worth the time and money? fuck no, my advice? watch other youtubers play it and keep your 30$

If you want it just to play as some of the characters, experience the new content for yourself, and play the databattles then by all means get it.

But if you think thats not enough for you to spend 30$ for then dont get it.

Overall Re:mind gets a 5/10, useless padding for majority of the first half of things we’ve already seen and cant skip because theres new scenes mixed in, forced romance that nobody but shippers care to see, severely lacking new content, and unfair extremely hard mandatory databattles just to see the final aftermath of the story which is kind of important setup for the next game.

Fuck this DLC, this was my fist time EVER buying a DLC for ANYTHING and thanks to this its probably my last. So thank you Re:Mind, for ReMinding me why I never bought DLCs in the first place.

Ps - Im so glad playable Kairi was optional, thats one of the only things this DLC did right.

[e-luxion]

Why I think Johnny Suh’s Rising is...

Scorpio.

I don’t know why I had the need to make a whole damn post about it but I am cos I feel strongly about it, and I welcome people to come argue with me about this. ok that sounded semi-threatening, it wasn’t I promise. Please do interact and share your opinions, I love to hear them!! This is a completely useless post but here you go. Also, I didn’t go in too much depth in some placement and kind of kept things a bit superficial and did not talk about every single placement that he would have. 

First of all,

the way he just looks makes me nervous. That’s all. 

Let’s look at the basics of having a Scorpio Ascendant:

The most prominent thing about Scorpio risings are their eyes. 

They are usually piercing, intense and it stands out. Another thing that is common with Scorpio Risings is having “bedroom eyes” and/or “tired looking eyes”* 

Sharp looking profile. I am not going to talk too much about actual physical appearance of risings cos I think it is more complicated than that, like there is a lot that goes into it. But i can make a post about it if requested ;)

Even if the person is outgoing, they are very observant and really good at “reading the room”, and just picking up emotions 

Scorpio Risings are the mfs who just stare at people, they make intense eye contact for like no reason (whether is conscious or unconscious it depends on the person but in Johnny’s case, he 100% does it on purpose, does no one else remember that time he said he makes direct eye contact with people on purpose to make them nervous/uncomfortable??? (that's peak Scorpio AC culture right there) 

Very strong-willed individuals who can overcome a lot of hardship

Values privacy a lot and absolute kings of keeping secrets 

Scorpio Risings also have a magic way of making everyone open up their secrets to them. You probably won’t even realise, they just have that vibe that makes you open up

s a r c a s t i c

it does not matter who you are, what you are, what you’re into. Everyone is attracted to Scorpio Risings and you want to f**k them. I don’t make the rules, we just have that power. You can hate them or love them but you cannot help but be attracted to them. 

also fun fact for y’all, most celebrities have fixed sign risings (Taurus, Scorpio, Leo and Aquarius)

*reminds me of this one thing I saw on twitter once about how he hated when people asked him if he was tired when he wasn’t because he has a natural “sleepy” look or something along those lines

Now onto the fun part, looking at how his chart would look like if he had a Scorpio AC and why it somehow makes sense:

Leo Midheaven: For those of you who might get Leo vibes from Johnny, this might be why. The Midheaven is your “public persona”, the person your co-workers see and strangers see in public/work settings, and well Johnny’s job is being an idol so that is why he might act more like his Midheaven at first glance, and with his Mars also being in Leo, I believe it only heightens this. So Leo Midheaven is a midheaven that you’ll often find amongst performers/entertainers/singers/actors because people with this placement tend to be insanely charismatic, charming, creative and natural leaders. They also come across super confident, in their place of work they are loud and full of pride, you’ll just notice them no matter what. Naturally, they have a talent to inspire others, and sort of have a regal quality to them. The only thing bigger than their ego is their heart (very kind people), but it is their ego that helps them get far ahead in life, they’re also very ambtious and because they are so ambitious, they only aim for the best of the best (i.e. being famous). Great at storytelling, presenting, acting and possess an insanely creative mind, at the end of the day they just want to be seen. Seriously, Leo MCs seem to be those people that were just born to shine, they stand out wherever they go. 

Sagittarius on the 2nd house cusp: Lucky with finances and doesn’t worry much about money or their belongs (not @ Johnny throwing his fucking iPhone like it costs $5), even if you grew up poor (which he obviously didn't, he is a middle-class suburb lil bitch and it shows) you don’t worry too much about money. For some people, it seems like you spend your money a bit recklessly and just buy shit, and like to spend your money on experiences and travelling. Fun fact, I also have this placement I can confirm all of these are FACTS and I- mmm i dont want to talk about my spending habits cos yikes :) 

Pisces on the 5th house cusp: Two words: hopeless romantics. To the point where it’s slightly unrealistic, but that’s a different story. They really want the whole fairytale, the glass slipper and the spotting someone in a crowd and falling madly in love kind of thing. But also they express their love in a selfless, unconditional way, these are the kinds of people who love blindly and accept all your flaws. Can be very sentimental.

Cancer on the 9th house cusp: With this placement others have an affinity for you as an authority figure who has a strong nurturing or protective feel, very supporting and encouraging. It can be an indicator for moving away from the place where you grew up and finding comfort in foreign places. People with this placement also find it easier to adapt to different cultures. 

Virgo on the 11th house cusp: The helpful friend, looks out for everyone, they will always be there for you and great at giving advice. The type that remembers the little things, truly the parent friend cos they look out for you and the kind of person you usually love spending time with and make plans with. Actually only has a few *close* friends.

Sun in the 3rd: People with this placement are usually known for their intelligence and way with words. Sun in the 3rd house people hate to be bored and are always willing to try new things and experience new things (they also adapt very well to any situation), they’re also pretty light-hearted with a great sense of humor and can be mischievous. It also really balances the fixedness of his Aquarius sun. With the 3rd house of communication falling in the Sun, it gives the person a lot of confidence in their speech and pride in their communication skills. It is also said that people with this placement travel/move around a lot. Friendship, and again communication, is very important to them, they make friends easily and have a way of relating to others, also very open-minded. 

Moon in the 7th: This is definitely a people-oriented kind of placement, their emotional security is achieved through others, they have a strong need to be around people. (some astrologers also say that these people are the kind to always be in a relationship of some kind, it doesn’t necessarily mean an official “relationship” but A relationship, be it platonic, romantic/committed or literally just casual dating but they need to be with someone because they hate to be alone = feel unstable without someone) These are also the kind of people who fulfill their emotional needs per se through others, so by making others happy. 

Mercury in the 3rd: This is honestly such a perfect placement for Mercury, since it falls in its natural ruling house so the planet feels comfortable with this, especially being in an air sign (Aquarius). One of things that Johnny is known for is his “communication” skills, hence why he has a whole YT series: JCC or Johnny’s Communication Centre so this placement is the one that makes the most sense. Mercury in the 3rd house just boosts everything that Mercury represents, it might make someone have a short attention span or get bored easily but they pick up on things very easily, they are very good at multi-tasking and have a very active mind. They are usually the type that know a bit of everything, always have fun facts for you and can have a conversation in literally any topic with anyone, somehow know everyone and are friends with everyone, natural charmers. They LOVE to talk and talk a lot, they excel at any form of communication or writing, this reminds me of two things: (1) The translator at the Mexico concert said that Johnny asks a lot of questions, is very curious and excited to learn (spanish) and also talks A LOT. (2) I heard somewhere that Johnny was in a debating club in school. To sum up Mercury in the 3rd, are great at talking, communication comes easy to them and are huge social butterflies, a good sense of humour, very curious like a child and also like books. boom, jOhnny. 

Also to expand on this communication talk: He’d also have Capricorn in the 3rd house, which usually makes someone careful, these are the kind of people that think before they talk and unless they know what they are talking about, they shut tf up. Their voice can sound quite intimidating and authoritarian, but there is something comforting about it. Also tends to make someone very sarcastic, their humor is a bit dry, very dead-pan, the type to make jokes with a serious face and expect you to get it? Also tOO mANy dad jokes. 

Venus in the 2nd: Another Mr. Romantic placement that just fits Johnny way more than I want to admit. People with this placement are big old-timey romantic, they don’t fall in love easily but when they do they do fall hard and are completely head over heels, even if they don’t “fall in love easily” they secretly just want to be in love. They live for the pleasure, the romance and the beauty of it all. The type to send you a 100 roses with a card saying “to my one and only, from your one and only”, or buy you a huge teddy bear that smells like him, do the whole wine & dine you, picnic at a park and then take photos of you. It really isn’t about the huge romantic gestures, rather the small and cute ones, it’s about making memories and creating mementos, but also about the cheesy yet classy romance. They can also be super touchy, very physical. Another thing about them is that they really like to buy people stuff, and shower people with material things, it’s (one of) their love languages I guess. I can’t remember right but I am pretty sure I heard somewhere Johnny always buys members shit, like he just buys them stuff all the time. 

Mars in the 9th: I said I wasn’t going to talk too much about appearance here, but more energy/vibe instead but I can tell you this much, legend goes that people with Mars in the 9th either have a thing for thighs or have t h i c c thighs* or both so.... Very experimental people, lighthearted yet passionate, really turned on by languages and laughter/smiling. This is the kind of person that will debate anything to do with beliefs, and if you question their beliefs they’ll be like “:) :) :) ok cool ur opinion is valid, everyone has their own opinion :) :) :) except urs sucks :)” you know they secretly love intellectual fights, cos they’re opinionated as hell and have strong opinions, they’re super straight-forward and open-minded (regardless of the fact that they have very strong opinions) and are always willing to learn. Not the best at sugar coating things, kind of blunt whilst still remaining kind and humorous. But since his Mars is in Retrograde, the more aggressive sides of his mars will be very internalized. But their desire in life is to spread joy and laughter, they are very good at making others laugh and being playful.  Fun fact: people with this placement tend to move is a very bouncy kind of way, very clumsy. Another fun fact: I heard once that people with this placement may or may not have a teacher kink, and a sex abroad/while traveling kink, also having sex outside. 

*skip to 5:26

Jupiter in the 1st: First of all, I have seen a few Nctzen-astrologers type Johnny as a Sagittarius rising and this would be my explanation for that. Having Jupiter in the 1st will give you similar features and energy as a Sagittarius rising, people with this placement tend to have a larger than life presence, your presence is felt before you even walk into a room. Planets in the 1st house kind of go in pair with your rising (because well, it falls on that house duh) so it has a huge influence on how you carry yourself, how you present yourself at first sight, the kind of vibe that you give off and with Jupiter falling on your first house you just exude this optimism, enthusiasm and honestly? Just happiness and positivity. Also people with this placement tend to have big smiles and a large bone structure, Jupiter is the planet of expansion so it makes “bigger” everything that it touches so in the first house it will make your physical features “bigger”: big smiles, soft cheeks, thicc body, etc. This placement also makes people have a certain child-like quality, a permanent youthfulness because of the way they carry themselves (positive vibes y’all), they are also very driven and persistent people, with this fire inside that makes them succeed in anything they set their mind to, maybe it is because of this blind optimism that they eventually succeed. I don’t even have to go on about how this fits with Johnny because I think it speaks for itself. 

Saturn in the 4th: out of the many things Saturn represents, your fears is one of them, in the fourth house there could be a fear of losing family, also fear of being unloved (even if you are a very loved person, it is always in the back of your mind), also a fear of not being safe, and not belonging. Belonging might be quite important to him and above all, with this placement: family is taken seriously. People with this aspect value family a lot, and feel responsible for their family. And I think anyone that stans NCT can agree that Johnny definitely seems to take family quite seriously. 

Pluto in the 1st: LMAO ok so Pluto in the 1st, is one of the most intimidating placement a person can have. Even if you are the biggest cinnamon bun in the planet, people will be intimidated by you and lowkey scared of you at first glance. You will just naturally give off major alpha intense vibes, no matter what you do. This truly contradicts his (possible/hypothetical) Jupiter in the 1st, I can see it creating this extreme duality (that is very Johnny ngl) of being this intimidating ass man but also being a ray of sunshine that literally oozes positivity. With Pluto in the 1st, you also tend to rub people... a special way. When you have this placement in your natal chart, people either hate you or love you, there is no in-between whatsoever, but regardless of that everyone wants to f*ck you and if they say they don’t, they are lying to themselves. People with this placement tend to be insanely magnetic and people tend to be attracted to them, if they are in a room, you’ll notice them for sure cos their aura is just so intense. QWLL SHAPED LIPS 

I’d like to add this here to back up my theory: How Yuta said Johnny was the scariest hyung, and they all fucking agreed and Ten SHOOK his hand like “finally someone said it, that bitch is terrifying” and then there was that time (I couldn’t find it sorry) where Doyoung said that they were all watching a horror movie and everyone kept chatting and Johnny was like all of you shut up and Doyoung said that in that moment Johnny was scarier/more intimidating than the horror movie. Also, I have this theory that idols show probably would show their rising signs more in airports, cos you know they are just walking, minding their business with their “external self” faces on so I can see how their AC would show more in those situations. And like have you seen Johnny walking around in airports? That tall bitch is intimidating as hell, he has that stare and bitch face down to a T and then I remember he has the personality of a teddy bear and I am like ???????? how 

Note: for him to have these placements he’d have to be born at around 0:30 am. 

so HMU if you want me to do other members and I’ll do some research about it and do a post like that. I am not sure about some of the other members but I do feel strongly about Lucas, maybe Ten, maybe Taeyong (not too sure about him yet)

from your local hoe, Lulu xoxoxoxo

[clownbeep]

This is gonna be kinda brutal. But I want to put it into writing

Big vent/whats been going on

Hah... I guess this is like my life story or some shit...

Trigger warning ahead.. Depression and a bit of gore/suicide talk so if you are sensitive to that please, for your own sake and mental state you might not want to continue.

For those who dont want to hear a pretty dark vent, I understand.

And those who are just scrolling by feel free to scroll past. I just personally want to get this out.

If you have dealt with emotional neglect/abuse and need to know it isnt in your head this might be the post.

By writing this it feels like hopefully someone else will read this and realise certain things are NOT healthy.

If you are questioning if you are being emotionally neglected/abused (im speaking in a parental sense but even romantically or sexually) im not someone to give you answers, but the fact you are questioning it raises some red flags. In a healthy relationship you dont wonder those things.

Sorry for the long prelude but heres what I wanted to say

.

.

.

.

.

.

Ever since I was young, ive had bad ADHD, manic bipolar/depression, and sensory issues.

I was diagnosed around 13 I believe. My family (I didnt realise it then) always showed pity. Like I was some wild animal that couldnt be tamed and there was nothing they could do. Id do and say stupid attention seeking things just to try and get a shred of empathy.

My family didnt care.

When I was in the hospital for a suicide attempt regaurding pills and my liver had a chance of failing.. None of my family members cried over me. But a family friend. Someone not. Even. Related. Wept over me.

My family didnt care.

I cant say they never cared. They give me food water and luxuries like internet and a phone. For that I am grateful.

But in many other ways they have hurt me faar more than helped.

Once I got out of a short term stay in an inpatient mental facility I desperately needed contact with anyone who would care for me.

I have a younger sister, quite young probably around 7 at the time. She was a close friend of mine for that time. Id hang out with her so often to fill the gap in love it felt my family didnt give. One day I walked into the dining room and overheard my mother and father talking to my little sister. They told her to keep away because I wasnt "stable" because I was "dangerous" and could give her bad Ideas. And with one single action my only friend at the time and way to find happiness was taken away.

My family did not care.

When I stay in bed every day for months on end not knowing which day ill snap and end it all.... I get called lazy.

My family did not care

When I beg for medication to make me a functional human being they brush me off for years on end. Im losing my grip. I can barely remember things that have happened last week because I try so hard to forget everything its my automatic response to everything.

When I cant get to sleep because all of the memories come flooding back and im hit by wave after wave of horrific memories and the feeling if worthlessness... When I cant watch any videos or read posts about families because it brings on unwanted memories and emotions....

Is it me being dramatic then?

When you hear your family openly mocking and laughing about how stupid and dramatic and fake trans people are... How weird and unnatural and mentally insane these people are not knowing they are the very reason grsm and trans suicides are so high...

Am I a liar now? Am I insane?

When I tried to talk to them about my mental health issues. They took my only way of contact and made me feel like it was my own fault.

My family didnt care.

When I was nearly passed out shaking in a bathtub covered in wounds and blood all over... They showed pity, then lectured me for an hour for not telling them or for being impulsive and basically cleaned my wounds and sent me into my room.

My family didnt care.

Yes. I do agree, they cleaned my wounds, the physical side of showing care. However emotionally they were not there.

When my father drinks so heavilly every day he is home from work that he forgets half the things he tells you and can barely function.. They lecture my older sister for having a glass of wine (legal age)

They did not care.

My sister (23) tried for so many years to cling to what little attention she would get by getting good grades and going to college... She realised that it changed nothing about how my family felt toward her.... She snapped.

My family did not care.

She starves herself for a disease she does not have, she uses religion as an exuse to be one of the biggest christian extremists I personally know. Half the days she doesnt eat... Other days she burns book and gets rid of items for being demonic.

My lovely sister used to be kind and quite normal. However she couldnt find comfort in what little live her family gave. Starved for care she turned to religion to un unhealthy degree. Finding any way to keep her mind busy. Now I worry she will end up in the hospital for weighing so little.

My family did not care.

My oldest sister (27) Is married to a continuously cheating husband who she keeps letting back into her life. She was raised with a failing marrige and doesnt seem to see when she should call it quits.

Not to mention her husband has touched someone legally under the age of concent. Did she report him to the authorities? No.

All of these horrific things stemming from bad parenting. Unhealthy relationships and neglect.

Neglect emotionally can cause just as bad things as physical neglect. They are both horrifically dangerous in different ways.

These are the only big things I can remember... Basically age 15 and below are a complete blur to me and I cant remember much of it without thinking for a looong time. Even then I cant remember a lot of it... I feel like ive lost my whole damn childhood. And it hurts more than if they had just hit me or physically harmed me.

Im not underplaying physically harm. But in my personaly opinion I would rather my family have beaten me badly because at least then id have an easier way to prove to people how severe the abuse was. You can see bruises and confirm broken bones... But years of feeling completely useless and being shut off from most of the world other than the internet... It fucks you up in a way I dont think can be healed.

I dont know if I can ever love myself or... Remember things. Its terrifying to think Ill post this and a few weeks later probably not even rememner unless its brought up. Or meeting people and having conversations... And they are just... Gone.

Gone.

I suppose the biggest reason im writing this is well... In the future I dont want to forget in some ways.. I want like to be 100× as awesome knowing itll start as soon as im out of here..

If I dont have anything to compare it too then what is the point?

Ive layed out basically most of what I remember

A large amount of time I look around and nothing registers... Everything is familiar but I cant remember anything for a moment or two.. I feel like my memory is slipping so fast and im terrified.. I cant do anything to stop it and I cant make my mood be stable without the medication my family cant be bothered to get ...

I suppose this is a bit of a vent. I know its kind of everywhere and unorganized..

If im honest.. Tumblr is the only place where people have given me a home I wish I had..

I came out as trans here... Everyone was so damn supportive.. I didnt say anything but I cried hard and the kindness.. It was amazing.. It was such a jarring difference to how I feel when I say anything in real life.

Ive met friends here and ive had some much fun here. If youve stuck around this far thank you so much.. If you didnt I dont blame you.

I just wanted to share what has been flashing in my head these past few days.. It hurts a lot and ive even considered suicide recently..

Im trying hard. As hard as I can.. I have no escape though.

I cannot leave home. I cannot escape. Im not being dramatic.

I

CANT

LEAVE

And its terrifying because I know without medication or at least being somewhere AWAY from family.... I feel like im going to break soon.

I dont want to do anything stupid.. But some days I cant think straight and do things that harm myself and its not good. Its not okay. Im aware that I need help but I have no idea where to go/turn.. I have no ID or drivers liscence.. I have no transportation to and from a job to get money so I can leave... I live in the middle of nowhere.... I just..

I dont want to lose touch. I dont want to do anything bad.. I want to be functional.. I want to do more than eat and sleep my life away because I have nothing else to do..

Im so damn sick and tired of this all.. And at times I really do feel like there is only one way out.

Its always there and I just feel like one of these days im gonna be pushed over the edge and not be thinking clearly enough to stop it.

Im thinking semi clearly right now which is my im posting this.. Because im afraid and alone.

I have nowhere to go irl I have no friends Irl i just have tumblr and media and thats it. I dont expect anyone to be able to help I just wanted to write this so anyone knows what happens if I leave media..

If I tell my family my issues they will blow me off again for the 11th time or so (not exaggerated)

And if I do something to get sent to the hospital and get the help I need the cycle will continue with them being pissed and me getting sent home in a month or less anly for my family relationships to get worse..

Im spiraling fuether and further and I cant keep up the facade of being fine. I need help. And i have no way to get it. Ive just been suffering for years...

Sitting around and doing nothing but using your phone or drawing or whatever sound fun in theory... But if thats all youve been able to do for years with little to no real life social contact its gonna mess with your head... I dont want to be a shut in... I just

I dont know what to do.

Im sorry for rambling. I will most likely delete this later feeling embarrassed I posted this...

Im just tired..

[grinnoire]

in an effort to obliterate prototype 2 from my mind here's a list of hcs for a dana-is-fine-now 5yrs later self-indulgent au

alex, dana, and ragland moved to canada via some -cough- slightly illegal maneuvers, so blackwatch can't move in on them even when they find alex again at risk of causing an international incident

(basically canada is like "hes been here for 5 years and its been fine, also if youre gonna provoke THAT then do it on US soil bc we know what happened to manhattan and do NOT want a repeat in toronto (also, cranky bc your bioweapon is ours now arent you)")

(everyone thinks ragland died after contact with ZEUS but he's fine and lives down the street.)

so mostly blackwatch just spies on the gang as they get up to dumb slice-of-life stuff

alex got a bachelor's in psychology (doing one of the "hard" sciences would feel like too much of a repeat and he's soul-searching) and now has a job as a forensic psychologist. mostly he's everyone's paperwork jockey because he doesn't complain when they dump theirs on him, but sometimes he gets to decide who gets to sit on jury duty. this drives blackwatch absolutely nuts

dana is working as an editor for a local magazine. she still keeps up with news journalism on her free time, but she’s decided to take it easy after everything that happened and the job pays pretty well.

dana has more or less come to terms with virus brother, mostly because every other week he goes on some dark and broody rant about being a monster/hearing the screams of those he's killed/his innate desire as a virus to kill consume assimilate infect, and you kinda just get used to it after a while

alex got a deal with a local slaughterhouse to buy some of their stock from them, since he likes his meat so raw it's still mooing. literally. they are convinced he's either a butcher or a cultist but you know what, that's his business

dana starts referring to the real alex mercer as just "my big brother," and not by name. similarly, she usually calls alex by name, but she also refers to him as her little brother, and when joking in private, her baby brother (he is five and she will never not find that funny)

she also really does think of him as a kid, and notes that one of the most divergent traits he has from the real alex (besides empathy) is how easily he trusts people (she jokes that she worries he'll get lured out into a white van behind the mall with promises of meat). he's also super dramatic about EVERYTHING, so her impression of him has slowly morphed from "scary semi-insane virus man but still a step up from my actual brother" to "haha, kid brother who sucks at smash bros"

since alex doesnt sleep, he usually whiles away the nighttime hours by hunting (he's got a permit and everything, at dana's insistence) or playing video games

he's REALLY GOOD at rhythm games but plays with the sound off ("it's distracting, dana" "it's The Point Of The Game, alex") and he's shit at fighting games ("have you ever considered NOT charging blindly in on me clearly about to unleash an ultimate").

he's also not great at puzzle games and dana has caught him melted into a pile of meat moss over professor layton before. this is in spite of his constant claims to have consumed some of gentek's most brilliant minds, so it only further cemented dana's "kid brother" impression

alex: i dont have a preference for toppings so i get everything on it since i dont eat with my mouth anyways. thousands of dead men's preferences means no preferences -later, after dana has forced him to try things using taste buds- alex: can i get a large pineapple and anchovy pizza with alfredo sauce instead of tomato the guy at domino's: im arresting you for pizza crimes

an argument they constantly rehash is that dana insists that alex should try shopping for real clothes while alex insists he can just shapeshift into whatever clothes he wants. this has, on one occasion, led to neighbors in the hallway overhearing alex yelling angrily that "IM ALWAYS NAKED, DANA"

dana is a big lesbian and kicks alex out of the apartment when she's got "friends" over. they both know what dana's up to but dana insists that her five-year-old brother "will understand when he gets older" when he complains about it

most people that know alex thinks he has no sense of humor. this is untrue. he just has a very limited one and very dull reactions. but one time dana showed him this

and he let out an involuntary snort/giggle and then looked very confused and kind of scared, like he had no idea what that sound was or where it came from

most people believe alex’s brows drawn, eyes narrowed glare means he’s angry, but dana knows that that’s actually his “i’m confused” look. this is also the look alex wears 70-80% of the time.

(his actual “i’m angry” look is brows drawn, eyes wide open)

alex has a tendency to blurt out random factoids, like a walking trivia book. these facts are ALWAYS morbid and he ALWAYS only realizes that after he’s said it out loud. dana goes “i think i’m coming down with a flu that’s been going around work” and alex goes “huh, you know flus cause 200,000 hospitalization and 3,000 deaths every year” and dana gives him a Look and he pauses for a long moment before adding in a “sorry”. dana actually thinks this habit might be a leftover from how OG alex mercer liked to mansplain, but when this alex does it it’s less insufferable and more just awkward, so she doesn’t mind it that much

“butterflies can taste with their feet. I can also do that, if i try.”  “awesome, alex”

they have separate rooms since they both make a decent amount and live a ways out from the big city, and dana’s looks pretty normal, slightly messy, and alex’s is, hm. dana keeps insisting he try decorating it and actually putting stuff in it, so it’s home to his attempt at interior decor. the room features: a bookshelf crammed full of old textbooks and basically anything remotely novel-like that he could buy from the clearance rack, 2 (two) whole deer skeletons, picked entirely clean, a large, stainless-steel industrial-grade refrigerator/freezer unit (full of huge slabs of meat), the world’s loneliest computer desk and chair, a moldy cantaloupe in a glass box on the windowsill (”alex what is that” “i’m growing penicillin” “...why?”), a tiny photo of him and dana in a really big frame hanging on the wall, and also framed, dana’s MRI scans showing that she suffered no lasting effects from the infection. dana has had her partners accidentally walk into that room instead of hers and then call the cops. she kinda wants to say something to him about it, but since one of alex’s most common broody speech topics is how he doesn’t feel like he has a personality of his own, and since what he does have in his room certainly shows...”personality,” she figures she’ll leave it alone.

whenever a coworker starts to get friendly with him, alex pulls them aside to let them know he’s actually the blacklight virus that ravaged manhattan. he doesn’t actually use his powers because frankly it takes more energy than his current dietary plan can make back, but he insists until the coworker goes “haha okay, okay, i got it.” no one actually believes him but alex is convinced they all do, and dana has never been around for this to correct his mistake

[rogsclogs]

A Kind Of Magic (Roger Taylor x Brian May x Reader); Part 2.

Y’all this is pure filth, please don’t read if you’re under 18. 100% smut and nothing else, part 3 will be pretty much the same.

Enjoy!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They all got to Brian’s apartment in record time, speeding through traffic like Roger never had before, he couldn’t wait anymore and Y/N looked hot as hell in his backseat (admittedly he’d taken his eyes off the road to look at her a couple of times).

Brian had his lips on Y/N’s before they even closed the bedroom door, astrophysics books were scattered all over the floor and she almost fell over a bunch of times, her heels and the alcohol in her system not helping her keep her balance.

“Leave some for me too, Bri.” Roger was getting increasingly impatient with the lack of physical contact, especially considering his two friends had not taken their hands off each other the entire drive there and he’d had enough.

“I’m sorry Rog, I’ll make it up to you, I promise” Y/N purred into his ear as she detached herself from Brian and wrapped her arms around Roger’s neck, grinding on him and finally giving him some of the friction he craved so badly. 

“You better, baby girl” he said back to her as he pressed a deep and harsh kiss on her lips. Meanwhile, Brian had taken off his shirt and unbuttoned his pants, and while his two friends made out, he took Roger’s jacket off his shoulders and did the same with Y/N blouse, not wanting to waste any time.

“Someone’s a bit eager, aren't they?” Roger couldn’t believe he had agreed to having sex with a girl and one of his best mates, he’d had naughty thoughts about Brian before, but he was sure he’d never actually get to experience his soft, intimate touch in real life, and he’d always kept his fantasies to himself. He couldn't wait to have a taste of both of them, and his whole body was on fire, causing his erection to become more and more prominent through his leather pants. 

Y/N took notice of the discomfort in his lower region and immediately dropped on her knees, sliding the sticky material of his pants down his skinny legs, realizing he wasn’t wearing any underwear.

“Roger, you naughty boy, going commando in leather pants?” She had a mischievous smile on her face, not even trying to hide how pleased she was at his choice and at his impressive dick size. Not that she’d doubted that before.

“What can I say, I was hoping I’d get lucky maybe” that was all she allowed him to say before she spit some saliva on the tip of his dick and took it in her mouth as deep as she could, causing him to groan from the pleasure. 

She pressed her tongue flat on his shaft and bobbed her head slowly, to make sure he could feel her mouth around him inch by inch.

“Fuck, I’m already about to come, I feel like a fucking fourteen year old virgin, you’re so good Y/N” he said as he threw his head back and ran his fingers through his long blond hair.

Brian took advantage of the situation, sliding his own pants and underwear down his legs and tossing them somewhere in his room, then attaching his lips to Roger’s, caressing his soft face with his rough and callous hands. He’d had wet dreams about a similar scenario months before, and he wanted to bring every fantasy of his to life.

Roger intertwined Brian’s fingers with his own and took his other hand away from Y/N’s hair to place it on Brian’s semi erected dick, pumping him with slow and sensual moves. He'd never had experiences with Brian before, but he remembered talking to him about some of his sexual adventures and Brian confessing to him that although he was into rough sex, he loved the slow and passionate act of making love. Roger had laughed at him back then, calling him a bunch of names and whatnot, but he had to admit that he found it kinda hot now, and he was ready to take it slow with him.

Brian was over the moon about the way Roger’s hand felt on him and he wasn’t sure how things would be between the two of them after the night was over, he probably wouldn't be able to look him in the eyes anymore, but he tried not to think about it too much.

After a minute he felt himself getting too close to his orgasm for his liking considering they had only just begun.

“Stop it Rog, I don't wanna come yet” at his words Y/N stood up from the floor, cleaning her mouth and face with her and taking the rest of her clothes off, except for her panties. She wanted her two gentlemen tear them off her body.

She walked over to Brian’s bed and threw away all the shit that was on it, including various books and leftover food from god knows how long ago, then she laid on it. She started teasing herself, rubbing her hands all over her soaking underwear then pushing them aside to run a finger along her folds and the sight drove the two men insane. 

“Do you have a spare condom I can borrow, Rog?”

“You can always rely on me for that, Bri” all three of them laughed at his words as he went to remove a bunch of condoms from his wallet, passing one to Brian and keeping a couple for himself.

“We might need more than one for tonight” he said while looking straight into Y/N’s eyes and stretching the sticky material on his length, Brian doing the same. The two boys looked so gorgeous to Y/N, they were standing there in all their glory and she thought she would come just by looking at them touching themselves.

Roger was quicker than Brian at putting condoms on, it almost came natural to him, so he took advantage of the few seconds he had to himself and quickly hovered over Y/N on the bed. She looked stunning like that, naked and ready to take him, all he wanted to do was please her over and over.

She spread her legs for Roger while Brian kneeled on the mattress beside her head, pumping his dick and watching their friends interact.

“What do you want baby?” Roger’s voice had dropped at least an octave from his usual bright tone and the slight roughness of it turned Y/N on even more.

“I want you to use your mouth on me, please Roger” he didn’t even let her finish before he tore her panties to shreds and attacked her clit with his rough tongue. She wasn’t even phased about her panties and let out a very loud moan, probably waking up the whole apartment complex, then opened her eyes again trying to fight against the pleasure coming from her lower abdomen to take Brian’s cock in her mouth, wrapping a hand around what she couldn't fit down her throat.

Brian tugged at her hair with his right hand and kneaded her breasts with his left one, paying attention to her nipple area and slightly scratching it with his nails, making sure he left marks.

Meanwhile, Roger was still eating her out like a starved man, brushing his nose on her clit every time his tongue parted her folds and driving her absolutely wild. She knew about his reputation about how skilled he was in bed, Tim had talked to her about it a couple of times, and she could finally understand what the fuss was all about, the boy definitely knew what he was doing when it came to pleasing women. She tried not to let it distract her too much from pleasuring Brian with her mouth and she allowed herself to moan on him every time Roger hit a soft spot inside her, knowing the vibrations of her voice would only make the experience even more pleasurable for Brian.

“Are you ready, baby?” Roger let his tongue take a break to talk to Y/N but slid a couple of fingers inside her to compensate, feeling her tight and soft walls around his fingertips, making him want to waste no time taking her.

“Yes, please take my body and do whatever you want” she was talking to both Brian and Roger, letting them know she was okay with whatever they wanted to try and they didn't need to worry about it.

“Is it okay if I go first?” Brian asked Roger, he was getting so impatient and so impatient it was starting to hurt him physically.

The other boy nodded, he was okay with waiting for his turn knowing it would be worth it anyway.

Brian didn't need to be told twice as he grabbed Y/N’s thighs, spread them apart and pushed himself inside her entirely, not giving her a second to adjust and sighing from relief. Her body was thrusted back and forth on her bed as he put all the energy he had in his body into fucking her well, leaving her a moaning, sweaty mess as he pulled one of her legs over his shoulder so he could reach a deeper spot inside her.

“Right there, oh my God Bri, right there” at this point she was seeing stars and she wasn't the only one.

Brian’s hair was sticking to the back of his neck and there was sweat running down his whole torso, and for whatever reason Roger thought that that was the hottest thing he'd ever seen. He started to jerk off while staring at his best friend fucking Y/N like that was his only purpose in life, watching his cock pushing into her deeper with each thrust. This was better than any porno magazine he’d ever bought himself, and he wished he would have brought his camera to take a picture of that moment. He was about to come and he could tell, but all he wanted to do was come inside her so he forced himself to stop pleasuring himself and he went back to kissing up Y/N’s neck and torso, leaving love bites on her breasts and collarbones. 

“Is it okay if I take the condom off? I want to come on your beautiful boobs” Brian was almost begging, but he didn't care how desperate he sounded, watching his friend leaving marks on her body had made him want to release all over them.

“Yeah... yeah go ahead” she was barely able to talk at that point, her mind consumed by the infinite amount of pleasure she was experiencing. Brian then quickly pulled out of her and slid the condom off, throwing it away carelessly, then pumped himself a couple of times and spilled his come on her upper body, making sure to force every last drop out of himself.

“Holy shit this is so fucking hot” was all Roger was able to say and as Brian let himself fall on the mattress beside Y/N out of exhaustion, he licked some of the cum off her boobs while maintaining eye contact with him and making him blush profusely.

“Do you want me too, Brian?” He didn't know if he was misinterpreting the flirty side of Brian with something else, but somehow he knew that he wanted to try it too. He was just as curious as Roger was.

“I.. I don't know if I can...” Brian was intrigued by the offer, but also scared that it would hurt and scared that it would inevitably ruin their friendship forever, and he didn't want to lose one of his best mates. 

Roger pumped himself for a bit before pulling Y/N towards himself by her ass and pushing his dick slowly inside of her, trying not to overstimulate her.

“Well, think about it, my offer will still stand in a while”

[softmoxymuffin]

“Keeping up Defenses”

chapter 7, again just forgot to upload this here but it’s already uploaded on ao3 i’m thinking of writing 2 more chapters of this then an epilogue and maybe a collection of ficlets from deans perspective i dont know yet let me know if anyone is interested 

Chapter 1: Check Please

Chapter 2: Airplanes and Automobiles

Chapter 3: Tellin’ the Folks

Chapter 4: Hot Cocoa and Surprise Hugs

Chapter 5: Breakfast Sandwiches

Chapter 6: Learning Experience

Chapter 7: Keeping up Defenses

Chapter 8: Confessions in the Bitter Cold

After their successful afternoon at the Black and Brave Wrestling Academy, he and Dean had gone home with big bright smiles on their faces. During the ride back home, Seth was sorely tempted to ask a couple of questions about the things Dean had shared with his students, but seeing the satisfied look on Dean’s face, he was not willing to be the reason to change that.

They had gone home to a semi-busy house. The drive way had been newly shoveled. The garage seemed a lot more roomier than that morning, and the kitchen was far cleaner than how they had left it earlier. The boys had walked into the living room where Hector and Brandon were both helping themselves to a couple of beers. Holly and Dd were on the floor wrapping up some Christmas presents. The TV was on to a brand new game which seemed to have gotten everyone’s attention.

“Hey, how was school?” Brandon had asked with teasing in his voice.

“I had a blast.” Dean answered as he plopped himself down on the couch right behind the female members of the Rollins family. “Best day in school I’ve ever had.” He added with a chuckle.

“Oh yeah?” Seth’s older brother just smiled before he took another sip of his beer.

“Yeah, you would say that after you scared those kids shitless.” Seth added as he got two bottles of beers, one for himself and another for Dean. He gave one to the other as he sat on the couch right next to him.

Holly with a shocked and worried face had playfully smacked Dean on the calf and asked him “What did you do?” her little smirk betraying any actual scolding from the matriarch.

“Nothing,” Dean replied innocently but his blue eyes sparkling with mirth which he tried to hide behind taking his first sip of his beer.

“He rolled out like 10 feet of barbed wire and threatened to wrestle them with it.” Seth countered with a matching smirk on his face.

“Dean!” Holly now a little more outraged and gave the older man another smack on his calf, which only made Dean laugh a little harder. “You didn’t.”

“I didn’t.” he denied. “I never threatened them. I just thought I would give them a… unique learning experience.” He explained, even adding the air quotes on the last statement. “I doesn’t hurt to know as much as you can in this business.”

“Dean, it’s barbed wires!” the middle Rollins child pointed out. “It hurts no matter what you do with it.” He added.

But Dean only sank into the couch further as he drank his beer and quietly mumbled to himself. “You get used to it.”

Though Seth knew what Dean meant. Though Seth had seen more than his fair share of matches that showed a bloody Jon Moxley taking barbed wires, fluorescent lights, and countless other weapons to his body, and all with a giant smile to his face. Though Seth knew exactly what Dean was capable of, hearing that verbal confirmation of how numb to pain Dean had gotten to be over the years made the younger man’s chest tighten with an ache. As much has he wanted to just shake his friend from those types of thoughts, he didn’t think calling him out on it would really help. Thankfully, Seth’s stepdad had interjected before the temptation got too much.

“You got 10 feet of barbed wires to scare a bunch of kids?” Hector asked disbelievingly. “That’s a lot of dedication for a prank.” He added before raising his beer in mock toast to his houseguest.

“Finally, some appreciation.” Dean joked as he raised his own glass to the older Rollins. “But seriously, the barbed wires there for when you need it. I saw your fence getting a little rusted on the far end there. Thought you could use the replacement.” He added simply before he took another sip of his beer.

“I had been meaning to buy that-” the genuine surprise clear in Hector’s voice. “Thank you Jon. I owe you.” He raised his beer in a simple toast towards his house guest.

A toast Dean had raised back from his seat as he replied “Don’t mention it.” Before taking a drink himself.

Seth raised his eyebrows at the revelation. He like his stepfather had assumed the barbed wires were purely for the prank on the kids. That just seemed like something Dean would do. He was a prankster and doing something like making the effort to buy unnecessary hardware for a prank just seemed like him. Now knowing that his friend actually went out of his way to, again, buy something his family had unknowingly needed was made his chest warm with affection.

The warm camaraderie of the living room was broken with the sudden and somewhat loud ringtone of Taylor Swift’s ‘Never Getting Back Together’ coming from the phone on the coffee table. The phone Seth recognize to belong to his younger sister Dd. Dd who then made an annoyed sigh as she tried to ignore the ringing phone and continue with her gift wrapping.

“D, come on pick it up or put it on silent mode. We’re trying to watch the game.” Brandon had complained.

Mumbling a curt ‘fine’ under her breath, Dd took her phone only to reject the incoming call and put her phone on silent before putting it down and going back to her work. The Rollins family, with Dean, enjoyed another 5 minutes of watching the game before the phone began to rang again. This time vibrating incessantly on the glass counter top. The whole family seemed to clearly made a collective effort to ignore the ringing until the youngest member could make a decision on what to do with it.

This collective agreement was either lost on Dean or he had actively disregarded for putting his beer down and grabbing the phone in his hand. Dd to her credit tried to grab it before the other man could take it, but was too slow to do anything. Everyone was on the edge of insisting Dean to not do anything and just give it back, but again no one was quite fast enough to stop the man.

“Hello,” Dean had answered casually with a thick and over the top Texan accent. “This here’s Zeke for Sex and Sound, your number one source for all-male erotic voice play. How may I help you darlin?” Dean had drawled out so effortlessly the whole Rollins family could not decide how to react.

Brandon practically shot beer out his nose. Hector, for all his stoicism, just seemed both confused and disturbed by what he was hearing. Holly was scandalized but seemed to be curious about what was going to unfold. Dd went from being upset and embarrassed had to cover her mouth with her hand to stop herself from laughing her head off. Seth froze in his seat. His jaw dropping at Dean’s audacity to not only pick up his sister’s phone, presumably presumedly intercepting a call from her ex, and then to pretend to be a phone sex operator in front of his whole family like he was just ordering pizza.

“Oh hello Ryan, what can I do you for?” Dean drawled sexily with a smirk on his lips and twinkling in his eyes. He had winked for a split second towards Dd before he continued. “Nope. No Dd here Ryan… But you know what I got a big D right over here just for you.” He had teased which forced everyone in the room to suppress giggles. “Oh calm down sugar… no need to get all testy. Unless you’re into that sort of stuff then well…” Dean’s smile just seemed to get bigger as he played the role. “Well you know what, with an attitude like that sounds even a good ole’ fucking ain’t gonna cure that. Scumbags like you give dick a bad name… so unless you want me to bill you for the filth you’re spewing in my direction right now, then I suggest you quit calling this number or you’ll be expecting a whole different kind of fucking going your way, sugar.” He made an exaggerated kissing sound before he hung up the phone and handed it over to a stunned Dd.

Now the whole Rollins family was frozen. None of them knew how to process what they had just heard. Even Seth was having a hard time wrapping his head around the fact his best friend had made up some ridiculous sexed up Matthew McConaughey accent to scare off his sister’s asshole ex. It was fucking glorious.

“Goddamn…” Hector was the first to break the silence. His eyes fixated on Dean as if he had just grown a second head or something.

“That was amazing!” Brandon had finally spoke up after recovering from choking on his beer. “Holy crap!”

“Brandon! Language!” Holly had called out before lightly patting Dd on her shoulder and motioned towards Dean. “Dd do you have something to say?”

“Oh my God, thank you so much!” she said excitedly as he quickly got to her feet and surprised Dean by giving him a tight hug.

Seth was still kind of frozen on the spot after what had happened, but the way his sister too easily wrapped her arms around Dean’s neck made the warmth in him started to chill. He could only stare as his best friend awkwardly tried to return the hug without leaving his sitting position on the couch. A shy tight lipped smile on his face as he leaned forward on to Dd’s shoulders just before she let go and went back to the floor.

“He’s been driving me insane since yesterday. Couldn’t get rid of him.” Dd explained. “You really didn’t have to do that Dean.” he added.

“Don’t sweat it kitten. Assholes like that need to be put in their place. Let me know if he tries to call you again, I’m sure I can get Zeke out for another round.” Dean said with a flirty wink towards the girl.

That chill in Seth now ran cold. Oddly enough he doubted it was the fact that it was his sister that was getting his friend’s attention that made him feel that way. It was something else Seth couldn’t put his finger on, but he knew he didn’t like how it felt.

It was fairly quite for the rest of the night. Holly and Hector went to make dinner while the rest of them stayed in the living room to continue watching TV. After the game Seth decided to leave, thinking he might just need to rest before dinner started. He had turned back before going upstairs, his invitation for Dean to hangout dying on his lips as he watched his sister take his place on the couch as the rest went ahead and started to choose a movie for all of them to enjoy. Seth bit his tongue and quietly went to his room. That weight in his chest just seemed to only get heavier.

That night Seth had another dream. Again they were at the steakhouse. Again their had their steak and eggs. Again their waiter had assumed they were a couple, but this time the mention only made Seth smile. They fast forward to being in their room. Their clothes excitedly taken off each other. Their hands never getting enough of each other’s skin. Lips so insistent but soft kissing each other breathless. Seth found himself pushed to the bed as he stared up watching Dean standing over him. His body looking so strong and warm and inviting. Heat practically radiated off of him. Then dream Dean spoke, or was it Zeke?

“Sugar, you’re the prettiest goddamn thing I had ever seen…” he drawled before climbing on the bed and crawling towards him.

All that heat Seth had felt suddenly dissipated. A sense of dread overcoming him. It was Dean’s face inching closer towards him. It was his body. It was him. Seth wanted it to be him, but it wasn’t. Seth tried to crawl away, only meeting the headboard. His face coming closer and closer for a kiss. This dream Dean slowly growing more and more unfamiliar to him. This Dean being all show and nothing more. Exaggerated expressions and over the top voice. Dream Dean was not his Dean. He was not Seth’s Dean. He was not his. Not his. Not his. Not his…

Seth shot out of bed that morning. His body covered in sweat. His lungs aching for breath. His chest even heavier than he had felt the night before. He tried to lay back down and go back to sleep but every time he closed his eyes he only got visions of the Dean in his dream, or nightmare. Those last words ringing through his head again and again. Seth forced himself out of bed and took a much needed shower. All he needed was to start his day. That’s all he needed. It’s what he needed.

After hurriedly got dress and much like how he started the day before he made his way towards Dean’s room. He knocked on the door like yesterday, and like yesterday he heard nothing back. He opened the door then once again welcomed by the sparse look of the room; desk hardly touched, the bed made. Nothing in the room suggested an occupant other than a neatly packed bags in the corner. Seth quickly left and made his way downstairs.  

“Hey mom, where’s Dean?” the question like déjà vu to his ears.

“Good morning sweetie, you missed breakfast.” Holly answered as she was putting away the last dish she had just washed.

“Huh?” It was only then that Seth looked up at their wall clock; 10:34am. He hadn’t realized how much he overslept. “Oh, sorry mom.” He apologized and gave him mom a quick peck on the cheek before getting himself a cup of coffee.

“How’d you sleep?” she asked innocently.

Quick flashes of his dream ran through his head. Dream Dean’s flirty smile mocking him from deep in his subconscious. To be honest he hadn’t slept well, but his mom didn’t have to know about that.

“Good.” He lied.

“Well, I had put some of the leftovers in the oven” she motioned towards the food.

“Oh, thanks mom.” He replied as he made his way towards the oven and took a quick look inside. A nice little spread was left in front of him that made his stomach grumble. Before he took anything he asked his mom again “Hey mom, have you seen Dean?”

“Oh, he already left.” She answered as she folded the dishtowels. “He went out with Dd.” She added.

Seth suddenly lost his appetite.

“They went out?” he asked and was only answered with his mom’s curt nod. “Where’d they go?” he asked.

“Well Dd said she was headed to the mall for some last minute shopping.” She explained. “Dean had forgotten about shopping altogether and asked if she could join her.”

Dean asked if he could join her.  

Seth closed the oven door abruptly at that. The sight of the food making his stomach feel worse. He opted to get himself a cup of coffee and hoped the hot beverage would be enough to ease his gut.

“Not hungry sweetie?” she asked.

“Nah, I’m good.” He lied again, hiding his face behind his coffee mug. “Hey, where’s dad and Brandon.”

“Oh they went out to fix that whole in the fence Dean had spotted.” She answered. “That was really sweet of him to buy that for us. Think your dad wants to offer to pay him back for the wire.”

Yeah, Dean was sweet, Seth thought as a smile slowly creeped to his lips. A smile he quickly erased with another sip of scalding coffee, wanting it to replace the that bloom of warmth in his chest.

“I’m gonna go and lend them a hand.” He quickly said as he went to put on his boots and jacket before leaving.

“Oh ok, are you sure sweetie?” she asked worriedly. “You didn’t eat anything.”

“I’m fine mom.” He lied for the third time before he opened the door and walked out.

Dean asked if he could join her. Those words made the pit in Seth’s stomach feel even worse. It really shouldn’t though. Dean wasn’t his to keep. The other man was not obligated to stay by Seth’s side. He certainly didn’t need to ask permission to leave. He definitely could leave with just about anyone, including Seth’s sister.

Should Seth really be surprised though? Ever since he’s been friends with the other wrestler his younger sister had an embarrassing crush on the other man. Seth had always thought it was just her way of irritating him; mentioning how hot people he had to work with were. Dean wasn’t exactly the first guy his sister set her eyes on. Why should he worry either

Like, yes he has seen Dean flirt. He had seen him charm the pants on many a women. Dean had always had this cool cockiness about him. He’d give them that bright smile, show off his dimples, and use those baby blue eyes of his. Dean was incredibly attractive. Seth was not blind to that fact. He had just never considered it until now.

Even if they went out. It didn’t mean anything. They went to the mall for gods sake. They went out to buy Christmas presents. Of course Dean had not gifts prepared, this whole trip was unplanned. It was obvious he’d need to buy stuff. Who else better than his sister to bring shopping with. Who else should have Dean brought shopping with? Really who?

Dean was not his. Words from his dream seemed to creep up on him and took a hold of his heart. The ache he had felt I the pit of his stomach spreading all over. Seth wished the bitter cold of winter and maybe the strain on his muscles from hard work would be good enough to distract him from the confusion in his head and the ache in his middle.

He finally reached the far end of their back fence. His stepdad and Brandon working on the old barb wire had rusted through. Though Dean had only spotted one area that really needed the repair, Hector had decided to go from one end of the fence to the other and fix what needed to be fixed. They had the extra wire, they might was well used it. The prospect of finally fixing their whole fence made the patriarch smile, while it made Brandon groan. He more than once mentioned how this was not something he was expecting for his Christmas vacation. It was fair to say Brandon did not get any sympathy from either Hector and Seth.

They had ended up working until mid-afternoon. Following the fence and making sure they had fixed everything right up. Seth could feel the cold soaking through his skin. The ache seeping through his bones. But it was better than how he had felt a couple of hours earlier. He actually had the chance to forget about what was bothering him. He thought that was enough to calm his nerves for the rest of the day.

That plan shot out of the window when the first thing he saw walking back into their house was Dean and Dd sitting down at the dining room table having a couple cups of coffee. That ache in his gut came back in full force.

“Hey man,” Dean greeted. “How goes the repair?”

Before Seth could say anything, Hector had jumped in and answered for them. “It was great. All that barbed wire you bought had really helped Dean. Thank you.”

“Well I’m glad it helped.” He smiled to the older man. “Was worried I bought too much, but can you believe they sell that stuff in 10 feet coils now? Couldn’t get anything less than that.” He complained.

“It was more than enough, went out and fixed the fence end to end.” Hector announced happily before getting a cup of coffee himself.

“Yeah Dean, thanks a lot.” Brandon said sarcastically, but clearly just fooling around with them. “Hadn’t realized how damn long our fence was until today.”

“Quit whining! It’s good for you to actually get yourself working.” Seth replied to his older brother.

Seth took his time and waited for his turn at the coffee machine, all the while staring at the Dean and Dd seated somewhat close to each other talking low about something that made Dean smile.

“So!” Seth may have said a little too loudly. “How was the mall?” he asked more towards Dean.

“It was great.” Dd was the one who answered. “Hadn’t realized they added so much to the place. It was really great. Got a ton of stuff for tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?” Seth asked dumbly.

“Yeah, tomorrow.” Dd answered, and when her brother didn’t seem to get the hint she elaborated. “The Christmas party. For the guys at the wrestling school. At your café. Mom’s been prepping for it for weeks. Did you forget?”

Seth completely forgot. Since starting Black and Brave they’ve had a yearly Christmas party celebrating the past year. This year he had actually added a new venture of starting a small café near the academy. A nice little coffee shop for their community. It wasn’t an official opening, but it was his mom’s idea to have a soft opening just for them to celebrate the holidays as well as the new business. Seth felt like an asshole for forgetting, and he was sure it had shown on his face.

“Wow, and here I was thinking you just forgot to invite lil ole’ me.” Dean teased as he took another sip of his coffee. When Seth hadn’t smiled at the teasing Dean backtracked and said. “Don’t sweat it man. You’ve been really busy and worked up over stuff. Everything’s going to be fine. Go grab a coffee and a doughnut here.” He said comfortingly as he motioned to the small spread of sweets they must have gotten from the mall.

Seth did his best to calm down. After everything that’s been going on he couldn’t believe he had forgotten about the Christmas party and the coffee shop. He had been so distracted he forgot. He finally got the chance to take a cup of coffee for his own. He took the free seat right next to Dean and was just about to get a doughnut for himself when Dd squealed.

“You will not believe how many people are commenting on my post right now. It’s insane.” She said as she shoved her phone towards Seth.

“Still have no idea why anyone would be interested in that.” Dean said before taking a bite of his doughnut.

“Because my friends are freaking out about who my mystery date was for today.” She said with a big smile.

It wasn’t until Seth had actually taken a good hard look at the Instagram post his sister was referring too. It was generic Instagram picture for sure. It had the soft filter and the non-descript background. It was the subject of the photo that really got Seth’s attention. It was Dd’s hand clasping another. Though there was hardly any hint to the man attached, Seth knew instantly. It was Dean’s hand. In the caption below it said ‘shopping with someone special’ followed by a few emojies of red and pink hearts and yellow smiles.

For the second time that day, Seth suddenly lost his appetite to eat. He resided himself to quietly finishing his coffee and saying goodbye to everyone before heading back upstairs. If he thought his body felt heavy right after fixing the fence, it was nothing compared to how down and out he felt at that moment as he practically dragged his feet back to his bedroom.

He landed on his bed with a disappointed whoosh, letting the weight of his limbs and everything he was feeling just pull him to bed. Seth felt like all that hard work was for nothing. He was glad to be of helped. He was glad to have spent the afternoon with his family. He should be glad for the somewhat productive day he’s had, but he can’t. The ache in his chest just wouldn’t let him.

He just felt defeated by his emotions. Logically he knew it most likely meant nothing. Just another ploy for Dd to get back at her ex. He knew that it was just a shopping trip to the mall. He knew that if anything was going on Dean would be the first one to tell him. He knew that it was nothing. He knew. Did he?

A knock at the door startled him from his overthinking. He didn’t even have the energy to angrily shout at whoever was at the other side. He knew deep down that no matter how shitty he was feeling right now, he shouldn’t be taking it out on anyone.

He slowly got out of bed and made his way to open the door only to be met with the one person that he really could not stand to look at right now.

“You ok?” Dean asked worriedly.

“Yeah,” Seth needed to get better at lying. “Just not feeling well. Must be from all the work.”

“-Or it might be from the hunger.” The other wrestler countered as he got out a plate of goodies for him. “Your mom said you hadn’t eaten anything since this morning.”

It was only then that Seth really felt the emptiness in his stomach. He had been much too upset to even realize it until now.

“Thank you,” he said sheepishly as he took the plate offered to him.

“You’re welcome.” Dean replied, and before he turned to leave he asked. “Are we cool?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t we be?” another lie.

“I mean, you haven’t really talked to me all day. Just wanted to make sure.” He answered.

“I mean you’re the one who left with Dd.” Seth said without thinking, the hurt look on Dean’s face making him regret his words instantly.

“Is that what this is about? Seth, seriously?” He answered exasperatedly. Seth looked at him with a somewhat clueless but sad expression. “Seth it was just a shopping trip to the mall. I needed help to buy stuff and Dd was already heading there so I decided to ask for her help.” He explained.

Seth looked at him suspiciously, he already knew all of this even without Dean saying it. He knew, but he still felt the need to hear it from Dean. “And that photo was what?”

“That was just to mess with her ex.” Dean answered. “It didn’t mean anything. Hell even she knows that.”

“You sure?” he just had to ask.

“Yeah Seth, I’m sure.” Dean’s irritated tone ringing through more strongly now, but when Seth didn’t seem to budge from the issue he added “I’m not interested in your sister Seth.”

“Well maybe you’re not.” He countered.

That made Dean fold his arms to his chest  and asked “What are you trying to say?”

“I mean…” What was Seth trying to say, he stuttered with his words. “I- well- I just mean, you might. You know. Give her the wrong idea.”

Dean raised both eyebrows with surprise, his blue eyes clearly showing his hurt and confusion. “You think I could do that to her? -Wow, didn’t realize how much of douche you thought I could be.” The blond fidgeted in his place, not able to look at Seth in the eye.

Seth didn’t understand until now how accusatory he had been sounding towards Dean. Of course he would never have thought Dean would take advantage of his sister, but it was too late it had already been said.

“Dean I-” Seth tried to explain himself.

“Save it Seth,” he turned to walk away but before he did he added. “You know what, she’s a lot smarter than you give her credit for. Might actually learn a thing or two from her.” He said condescendingly.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Seth asked.

“Nothing,” he answered. “Should I leave now?” he asked.

Somehow deep inside him Seth knew Dean was not asking to leave the hallway, nor leave his sight. Seth had a overwhelming feeling that he meant leave for good and no matter how bad he was aching before, the thought of Dean leaving was worse.

“No,” he answered. He had put his plate down on the nearest flat surface in his room and carefully approached the other man. Carefully he wrapped his hand around Dean’s wrist. “Stay.”

“You sure? Coz it sounds like you don’t want me here.” He replied.

“I do.” You have no idea how much. He thought but could not say. “I want you to stay… please.”

Dean seemed to soften right before his eyes. The tension from his body seemed to fade away. The anger on his face making way to calmness. It was only then that Seth realized how close he was to losing him.

“You sure?” he had to make sure again.

“Yeah, I’m sure.” He answered with a soft smile. “Plus my mom would kick my ass if I kicked you out. Especially before the Christmas party.” He joked.

“Well, you’re mom can totally whip your ass.” Dean agreed with a chuckle. “You still want me there?”

“Of course I do.” Seth wasn’t sure if he ever wanted him to leave. “I want you there.”

Dean shrugged it off simply as if making the decision final in his head before saying “Ok,” then made the move to walk away but before that had to ask. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

“Yeah,” he answered. “Just hungry I guess.”

“Well eat up,” Dean replied. “Just tell me what you want and I’ll go get it for you.” He added as he started to talk back down the stairs towards the kitchen.

Seth stood there dumbly wishing he knew how to tell Dean exactly what he wanted, but just could not risk the possibility of never having it, or worse losing what little he has now.

How do you tell someone they are all they have ever wanted without making them run for the hills?  

[garethito]

You know... I've been meaning to ask you about this for a while, and yesterday's tag thing that you did with those Bale gifs only like... fueled? My curiosity? Lol, if that makes sense. Could you like... relive? The Champions League final from this year for us? Like, your perspective on it? Or maybe even the actual whole day of the final? Sorry, God, I know this is weird, but I just love how you tell stories from your life! I have seen you do it with some other anons once!

First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for this like, you guys always send me such interesting questions and Im so??? and OMG no this is not weird stop this is such a wonderful question to ask!! And omg you liked how I told the stories to those anons that is so sweet thank you so muchhhhh ❤️❤️💝❤️💘💘💞💞💘

But also this is making me really emotional I dont think I will be able to write this without tearing up but here we go!!! I was at school today and we had a special day so we didnt make any classes, so I had time to formulate an answer to this, and to complete it at home 💞

Quick WARNING?? Yes I am perfectly aware of how crazy and overdramatic this whole story sounds, but the thing is that this is how I truly feel about this day in my life. So yeah lol. Football is basically my life!

I would like to start this by saying that the day of the 26th of May 2018 is the most important day of my entire life as a football fan. There is nothing that could even come close to this. Absolutely nothing. Never in my life have I cried like in that night. Never. Absolutely never. I have looked at my life as a person, at my hardest times, when I cried a lot, but not even that can even slightly compare to the amount of crying that I have done on that glorious day of May 7 months ago. When I say crying, though, I dont actually mean crying, no. I mean violently sobbing, screaming at the top of my lungs, shaking and feeling numb. But in the best way possible, the happiest tears that I ever shedded.

My actual perspective, like you said, though, starts from the 2nd of May, a day after our semi-final second leg against Bayern. From that day, until the 26th, my mind, my body, my soul only thought about the final. I could not even focus on the Clasico on the 6th, neither on the last La Liga match. I was so fucking nervous, words are not sufficient to describe….. At least once every 2-3 days I would go to the bathroom with severe stomach aches and sit there until I would try to calm myself down so that my grandmother wouldnt get worried. I thank God, the Universe, or whoever you think invented life for the fact that highschool had nothing special during that period, just a few tests, that I got the best grades on, because had there been something big, I would have surely failed. That was a nightmare. Just think about it. Horrible La Liga season, then those fucking shaky as fuck second leg matches against Juve AND Bayern. I was literally so pessimistic that I am scaring myself right now thinking about it. All these bad scenarios played through my head ”What if Zizou loses his job? What if this will be the start of our downfall? What if this is the last Champions League final we will play? What if, what if, what if….”. I always tried to tell my brain how stupid I was, that we are Real Madrid and that we will win, like we always do, that we are the best fucking team in the Universe and that nobody even comes close to being like us. But its like these voices in my head wouldnt stop, it was so scary.

Come 25th of May I was an actual lifeless corpse. No matter how much I tried to call my best friend, who was in Bulgaria at that time, and telling her that I cant take this anymore, and her telling me that its going to be okay like it always is, that she doesnt really know my team well but she knows we will win, no matter how much of that was happening, I couldnt fucking stop being nervous and constantly thinking about this match.

On the morning of the 26th I woke up with a severe headache at about 8:30-9 AM. The only things that I remember from that whole day are the constant empty feeling, the amount of times I listened to Hala Madrid Y Nada Mas and the amount of pictures, videos, promotional/support videos I saw and watched. I called my friend one last time and I told her that now I am optimistic, that we will win.

My whole emotional state was ruined, however, by Gareth not starting. I dont need to explain the whole February-May Gaz-Zizou situation because I think everyone knows it too well by now and what I fucking felt about it. I have never been so enraged in my entire life. After all he has done, still no place in the starting XI. Though, this is pretty much the only thing that has ever angered me about Zizou. I love that man too much, I dont think there will ever be a coach that will ever come close to him, a coach that I will ever love as much as I loved him, but this whole situation really, really angered me. As I said, not going to get into details, I think that is enough. Though, I tried to only focus on my hardly achieved positivity about the match. 

The match started and my emotional state reached its lowest point. I couldnt take it anymore, I felt impossibly sick from being so nervous, I got the most severe migraine ever, my eyes were literally about to pop out ugh again, remembering that gives me chills. Dani got injured, and I got angry again, because he didnt deserve it, the World Cup was literally about to start like God give this man a break!!!

Halftime at 0-0, my optimism grew, believe it or not. I felt like we will have more urgency in the second half and that we will win this.

The second half came, with me just desperately hoping for a goal. Because we were playing so well, we deserved a reward!! And it did come, with Benzemas goal, God I felt so relieved and happy. I have seen people saying that his goal was not good but? You literally take everything that is being offered to you in a Champions League final! He scored, he gave us a goal, we were 1-0 up, and I was literally screaming from joy, I was shaking so much and I was the proudest person alive. God, I love my team. Then, Liverpools equalizer came. I didnt think anything of it. I wouldnt get rid of my optimism. I was looking at my boys and I knew we would win.

And Oh My God, here we fucking go. 

Minute 61. Gareth comes on. I was so grateful that he at least got to play 30 minutes, I literally only wanted to see him. At that time, considering everything that was happening, I was already emotionally starting to prepare for his departure to another team. I was watching him in those moments, flashbacks through my mind of all the glorious times I got to see him, all of his goals, everything.

And then…

All of a sudden…

62:58

That moment. The moment in which my soul has definitely left my body. The most beautiful moment I have ever lived in watching football. The moment in which I was the proudest person alive. A moment I will never, ever, ever forget, for as long as I get to live. The moment I have literally seen history being made, right before my eyes. The moment in which I literally evaporated, left the Earth, idk how to explain this but I hope you understand me. My idol, that had suffered so much that season, scored a fucking bicycle kick in a FUCKING UCL FINAL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. The happiest, most full of joy, best, most emotional moment. Ever. No exaggeration.

My perspective on this? Oh well, brace yourselves. If you think everything that I have written so far seems insane, get ready for this.

I was on my bed, watching the game, shaking. I saw the passes, beautiful passes, that ended up with Marcelo controling the ball (incredibly, as he always does, my Brazilian sunshine). I saw him swaying to the side, and then passing a high, aerial ball in the box. Gareth came up to meet it, with… a scissor kick. That he scored. I literally fucking exploded like there is no other word. I jumped off my fucking bed and I ran literally across the house and came back, making the most inhuman noises ever I swear. I came back to my bedroom and I collapsed on the floor and I literally started fucking bawling my eyes out, and even that seems like an understatement. Screaming at the top of my lungs, bawling my eyes out, literally all of it happening on the floor. My grandmother literally came in and she thought something happened to me, but then I just pointed to the screen and she understood lmao. And from that point onward I cannot say anything anymore, because I dont remember anything else but me on the floor, literally. After like 15 minutes I hardly even managed to get back on the bed, and guess what?

82:41

AGAIN. 

A

G

A

I

N

???? I dont know what to say anymore. Like he literally toyed with everyone that night, he didnt care about anything. Again, with a pass from Marcelo, he literally goes from FAR FAR FAR away and he shoots and… scores?? How much do you think my poor fragile self can handle? Like, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU SAY TO THAT?? Except for bawling your eyes out even more, if thats even possible? Its been 7 months and I still dont have words for what happened that night, like 2 goals ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? LIKE DO YOU UNDERSTAND I WAS LITERALLY DEAD LIKE ??? I LOST EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MY SANITY THAT NIGHT. 2 goals, 2 goals in 20 minutes, he was about to get a fucking hattrick. A fucking HATTRICK IN HALF AN HOUR, but Karius unfortunately stopped that shot.

The match ended and… I dont remember anything other than barely seeing the screen, I literally had a blurred vision.

We fucking won it. We DID IT. THE DECIMOTERCERA WAS OURS.

In the moment in which Sergio lifted it I… I dont have words, did I go into another Universe, did I ascend, did my soul leave my body I dont even know but what I do know is that I spent the rest of the night, up until like 6AM, crying my heart out. And this is what I mean by ”I have never cried so much in my entire life”. Like I have never spent a whole night crying.

I went to bed at like 6:30, woke up at like.. 10?? I think you can imagine how I woke up, I literally felt like I was going to die but I spent the rest of the day catching up on everything that happened the entire night.

And then, of course, the celebrations, Cibeles, Bernabeu… of course your sensitive girl bawled her eyes out again lol!

Every day ever since it happened, I have always been thinking about this day. About all of it. No point in counting how many times I rewatched the goals lol! But I think you can imagine haha 💘

So yeah, this is pretty much it DSLKFDKJFKDFJKDFK. The story about my best ever day of watching football I made it unecessarily long (Im so sorry). I think the only conclusion that I can get from this is Hala Madrid Y Gareth Y Nada Mas lol! 💘💘

[survivorcordillerablanca]

Episode 4 Confessionals

RTP is a monster. Anyway, we fucking crushed that immunity. I wanted Jordan pines voted out. I've only ever played one org with him and he was my nemesis and I just don't have the mental capacity to deal with a nemesis in this one. Why couldn't Willa have done better

we won the music video.. and my ass edited a full video plus a roast after never using adobe premiere before so im pretty shook!! our tribe definitiely seems more... "kumbaya" than the other tribe which... eh. i want the drama! but other than that our tribes good. i def feel like ive been getting complacent with talking to people so im gonna start trying to ramp back up my social game to how it was in the first round hopefully?? i need to start talking more and making bonds. (not much i can really do though, willow katie and chris are on the bottom) i just have to ensure theyre still on the bottom and hopefully keep katie safe for me to work with?? willow and chris can go i guess. also charlotte can go too tbh. like id prefer me/bryce/zach/katie over me/bryce/zach/charlotte but a returnees alliance is easier to put together, so ill work with charlotte!! idk why i dont wanna work with her i just dont get a good vibe from her?? sounds dumb but im trying to trust my gut. and ... yeah not much has happened and i dont wanna make major waves just yet.

Free rice is so fun and not having to do grammar? Amazing! Hope I can do well in this challenge to show I'm useful. I feel like their isn't a lot of socializing happening on our tribe but I'm gonna try to change that. katieare propane torches dangerous? I want to go get one at home depot today. katiehere is my second confessional: charlotte seems chill I wonder if she will work with me in this game?

WILLA IS FINALLY GONE. God I can't believe he didn't compete in a single challenge and managed to not get first boot. We did Emma so dirty, I can't believe it, bring her back. Anyway, going in this reward challenge I'm not too fussed about whether we win or not, it would be nice to see what the Wishing Well is all about but eh, I'm not too fussed. Immunity is what I really want because now that we got rid of the dead weight I think the fingers may start to pointed at the winners AKA me and Jay. We have enough votes to tie it since Jordan is with us. We could potentially swing Adam but he's very much linked with Ryan who is linked with Lexi so it's...a mess. No tribal pls @ immunity gods!

Wow we won another challenge. Is the other tribe even trying? I didn't want to submit too much in case I seemed like a threat so I'm happy that I didn't do the most and we still won. I never find anything in the wishing well tho. Wish I knew who was picking the right number. But focusing on the positive, we won again!! ryan matthewi literally don't know what to do if we go to tribal. i won't want the full jordan pines experience to be blindsided by him. obviously lexi and i are a duo so im hoping we have options if that happens....

So I was looking over my Malaysia confessionals for some reason. What started as me trying to find my FTC speech turned into me reliving horrible and painful memories of Mitchell Kalabang calling me an idiot in many creative ways. Anyways, the reason I mention this is because I noticed that I made a lot of good, detailed confessionals in that game and I want to make sure I can do the same here for Athena. Well as of now, I think I'm in an okay position. I make a bit of chit chat with everyone now and again. I'll need to step that up today though just in case we go to tribal. I admit I've been slacking in my relationships with anyone who's name doesn't rhyme with Pordan Jines. I did congratulate Ryan on winning Kvaløya and told Adam that I'm not gonna vote him out, so that's something. Lexi also came to me and was like "I promise I'll do better on the challenge next time." Like I'm some authority on effort. Ryan probably told her that I was a little annoyed that no one tried in the video challenge. To sum it up, Jordan Pines will always be targeted before me so I am perfectly content letting him take the reins for the time being. I have decent relationships with Ryan and Adam. Lexi is with Ryan for sure. And Luke sketches me out just like every other game I've played with him. I hope we win immunity. 

So we need to win this immunity or we fucked. Like it just doesn't make sense to me. On this tribe we have me jay luke ryan and adam. In theory we should never lose a challenge, but theory is dumb and we lose everything. Like we've managed to keep a cohesive group that i honestly think genuinly likes each other but like, if we lose its all over. If we win this immunity we can hopefully swap and go into it 6-6 and maybe bring katie over to our side. If we lose however everything is done. We go into what may be a divided tribal and lose any hope of keeping a tight 6. We can't lose. Dear god let us win immunity BryceCurrently I'm worried about Zach/Charlotte but I still trust them just something to look out for. Hoping we can win this immunity but if not I think I'd want chris or willow out probably but I'd fall back on my alliance with Zach/Charlotte/Carson

So of course our next immunity is a typing challenge. With this other tribe as insanely fast at typing as they are, I'm really not liking our chances at winning this immunity. I've been pretty busy the past couple of days so I feel like I may be in trouble if we lose.

wait i did that wrong; Katie Shoots Target # sorry i wasnt here on time

I love nothing more than a true underdog story. Zach and Bryce came in the fucking CLUTCH and pulled out that win for us. I can't believe it. In all my days of winning immunity challenges with a tribe, this is probably my favorite one. I'm so happy. I genuinely like everyone on my tribe and I'm so happy we aren't splitting up. Cue RTP laughing at this confessional because we're probably gonna have a swap next.

LOOK AT US WINNING IMMUNITY. SAFETY IS A GOOD COLOR ON ULTA!!!!!

Like ik im probs jinxing something but this game is boring nobody wants to talk game. also everyone just ends conversations after they respond to how are you, and i try and make  small talk... like?? whatevs. im focusing on this game and i rlly wanna make merge. (also zach + bryce killed it woo i love them) nothing is rlly happening in this game which sucks. i predict that therell be a swap next round which is.. eh?? idk how i feel about that but im hoping i wont be swapfucked. (also i think im acc becoming good friends with zach and im happy hes gr8!!)

Wow me and Zach scoring all the points is good. I don't want to be seen as a challenge threat tho in case we swap and I'm somehow not in numbers. It's odd how like everyone hounds Jordan Pines and I can't tell if its jokingly or if hes enemy number 1 FJSDFHSJDF. I'm glad to not go to tribal and to have a 7-5 advantage. Whenever I talk to Willow we talk about nothing for like 2 minutes and thats it. Hasn't eaten meatloaf wish I were her, but hasn't had enchiladas? suspicious... Maybe shes vegan but even still how can I trust someone who doesn't know the goodness of an enchilada. Really wish I had some idea what was happening with the other tribe. Not being in a one world situation is different and I wish I could talk to them more to get a better picture seeing as how I'm going in blind if we swap/merge. Anyways that's all for now

I am well and truly fucked. I slept through all of my alarms last night and ended up missing the immunity challenge which we LOST. Guess what the agenda for the last two people who were voted off was? They didn't compete in challenges. Guess what I just didn't do? COMPETE IN A FUCKING CHALLENGE. God I'm so screwed. My only hope right now is that Jordan and Jay don't hate me enough to vote with me and try and break up the duo of Ryan and Lexi. I'm going to have to pray that Adam will want to work with me too otherwise the vote will tie and I do NOT trust Jay enough to go to rocks for me. Jordan might do that but I don't trust Jay at all to risk his life like that for me. I have a lot of work to put into today so...pray for me. 

WE WON IMMUNITYT! I'm so happy, i need to make two confessionals so this is one: im so happy i pulled through. I tried so hard to focus and make sure we didn't go to tribal because genuinely I like everyone on our tribe andd i'd feel bad voting anyone tbh. im not best socially right now and i think i need to use this time critically. I PROMISE ILL MAKE BETTER ONES NEXT ROUND HEHE

tribe assessment: bryce-  iconic king. he's good at challenges, and i think him and i are semi close. i'm down for working w him and i think he's a good asset carson - my favourite i guess? im closest to him, him and i talk a LOT, and he's super fun and social. i'm a lil worried down the road ideally because of his social game, but for now he's an ally charlotte - her and i are in two games together, so it's risky. i trust her and like her, but our social game w/ one another isn't like phenomenal or anything. She is super sweet Chris - Like... him and I talk a fair amount, not a lot, but he's super cool. I love his puppy (or whoevers puppy that is) and i think he's super sweeet katie - similar as Chris. her and I dont talk a LOT but shes really cool and i think she's a good asset challenge-wise. willow- i love her she's so sweet but she never replies (or often, at least) so RIP! I do think ill end up working w her down the road though, she's a queen -- overall i do like everyone so going to tribal would be awful because i have to vote one out. BUT, theres been speculation on an upcoming swap too... so that's intense. but, nonetheless, im here for twists!

Nope. Thats all i got to say. Like we should have won that. and we didnt and now im mad. And we had a good group of 6 like it was the perfect group of people. But no. We now have to go down to 5 and fuck this up. So thanks RTP. Thanks a lot. Adam might go, he might now? i dont know. I dont care. Just give us a win please.

I'm trying to get the vote on Adam and I feel like even tho jay and Jordan agreed, just the way their talking to me making sure everything's alright with the plan and the fact Adam hasn't tried to PM me I feel like they're just lying

Ok so this is my immunity challenge confessional. We never win reward so i knew we were probably doomed and will never see the wishing well. but i didnt really care about reward. NOW FOR IMMUNITY. im alittle nervous because i feel like since we got rid of the non actives i'm the next in line. So i did my best for the immunity challenge. I mean i got 2 out of the 4 points we scored so i did half the work which in my opinion shows i care a bit. we were in the lead and then the other tribes whole fucking tribe comes out of nowhere and kicks our ass and im just like .....bye

Ok this is my before tribal council confessional. So after we lost ryan created an alliance with me,himself,jay, and jordan. which ok i dont trust jordan that much but i gotta take what i can get. They all want adam out even tho luke didnt do shit for the challenge. Which i like adam but not enough to try to switch the vote. So i prevoted adam but ryan and i feel like some shady shit may happen and one of us will go since people know were best friends. I'll raise hell if ryan goes and hopefully he'd do the same if i go. But i guess we'll see

Man this idol is gonna be so hard to find asdjkfadjsk wish their were hints to it AdamIt sucks that we lost the challenge. I didn't help much more than trying a few times in the beginning. I think I'll like it better when I can do individual challenges, cuz then I only have me to do the challenge so if I don't do it its just skin off my back. I have to make it there first, and that requires good relations with my tribemates, so I can't slack off anymore if I want to maintain that. I hope a swap comes soon, but not with the numbers stacked against Copa tribe members :/

I don't know what I'm going to do about tribal. I voted Luke but it really blows that we lost because I really liked all my teammates. I guess that's on me, maybe I shoulda done better and then we wouldn't be down a tribemate. Consequences and junk. I hope I'm not getting blindsided. I wouldn't put it past Jordan but it seems early in the game for that when we could be really good allies. Just depends if he trusts me I guess. I'm a loyal as fuck though, so I'm gonna make Jordan my main bitch this time. Only depends on if I'm his main bitch. Let's see if we go far together

Hahahahahahahahahahaha I found the idol. But its like one world style or w/e b/c I found the copa idol. And I had to give it to someone without knowing them and without them knowing i sent it. Thats unfortunate b/c I could bond with them but I guess if me and Luke are ever on the same tribe I can let him know and work with him. I was thinking Zach and Charlotte were really close but Charlotte didn't know about the idol map so maybe they aren't. But yaa I just asked my alliance to tell me who to give it to because I have no idea about any of those people having never played with them. Carson initially wanted me to give it to Jay O but then I decided to ask my whole alliance for input to try to make it seem like I'm close with them and want to stay together, which I did. And that's when they said lets give it to Luke. Also Anyone But Jordan Pines 2k17 which made me laugh

OKAY! I FORGOT TO DO ONE BUT ITS RIGHT AFTER TRIBAL SO HERE I AM! Adam is gone. Good. Me, Pines, Ryan, and Lexi are aligned. Meh, at best. If we lose, the original group of me Pines and Luke will split up their duo. Go us!

Did I do a confessional already? I have no idea. I'm in three games. Sue me. We won immunity this week so TBH I stopped paying attention after that happened. BUT HEY, APPARENTLY YOU CAN SEARCH FOR IDOLS AND I DIDN'T KNOW OOPS. Fuck, I'm the worst. How am I still here?