#this should be a halloween blog actually because these pictures are terrifying

[stripesysheaven]

the amount of fall blogs that i have to unfollow and block because they only post ai fall pictures breaks my heart

[caws5749]

This took SO LONG thanks @natthisback

1: Name Madison

2: Age 21

3: 3 fears spiders, not becoming a doctor, becoming like my parents

4: 3 things i love marvel movies, my blanket (whoops), and scrunchies

5: 4 turn ons compliment me, be chivalrous, (idk if this means sex turn on too or not but) moaning my n- ANYWHO uh and the last one definitely like showing you want me

6: 4 turn offs someone who only talks about themselves, being like wishy washy, being arrogant/cocky, complaining about the same things

7: my best friend that would be shea @cloversofshea

8: sexual orientation lesbian

9: my best first date okay SO this like isn’t a first date but it was my first like nicer dinner date so I’m gonna count it. It was just this past weekend actually and i just i loved it so much it was amazing

10: how tall am i 5’2

11: what do i miss honestly, feeling like i was good at things

12: what time were i born 11:14am

13: favorite color purple, although it’s slowly been turning to like a baby light pink

14: do i have a crush yes yes i do and i likes her a lot

15: favorite quote “Truth is a matter of circumstance. It’s not all things to all people all the time. And neither am I.”

16: favorite place Chicago or New York City

17: favorite food SALMON

18: do i use sarcasm yes, but i feel like i don’t use it as much as i used to

19: what am i listening to right now Christmas pop playlist on Spotify

20: first thing i notice in new person whether they only talk about themselves

21: shoe size 8 or 8.5

22: eye color blue

23: hair color right now, it’s a brown that goes to blond at my ends

24: favorite style of clothing so if this means like fav style to wear daily, definitely athleisure. If it means in general, i love love love preppy looks? But not super preppy.

25: ever done a prank call? Absolutely, many times

27: meaning behind my url i explain this in my about me page (linked in bio!)

28: favorite movie captain America winter soldier

29: favorite song i don’t really have favorite songs but rn it’s prob December night by Michael buble

30: favorite band i don’t really have fav bands

31: how i feel right now it’s really hot in here, so warm. I feel okay

32: someone i love i love lots of people but ill stick with @cloversofshea

33: my current relationship status I’ve answered this so many times literally just look at the ask game tag

34: my relationship with my parents um yikes

35: favorite holiday Halloween

36: tattoos and piercing i have i have 6 tattoos! “Breathe” on my right inner ankle, a heart on left shoulder, heart w equal sign in it behind right ear, basically an ecg on my left inner ankle, Aquarius symbol on right bicep, and caws 5749 on my left side. And my ears are pierced.

37: tattoos and piercing i want definitely the black widow symbol in the same place Scarlett got her og6 tattoo, an amino acid tattoo that spells out “wah” , definitely more little tattoos! And maybe more ear piercings idk

38: the reason i joined tumblr so, I’ve had a tumblr for many many years. I originally joined bc my best friends at the time had them, and i was like sure! Ive deleted that personal blog since, and started my new personal blog a few years ago. I also have a studyblr that i started i think back in high school, and i just started this blog back in the end of July!

39: do i and my last ex hate each other no, I’d say far from it bc i likes her a lot

40: do i ever get “good morning” or “good night” texts yes from her and i fucking love it, it used to be a bigger thing almost every day and i loved it

41: have i ever kissed the last person i texted lmao no and for those who were wondering it is @cloversofshea

42: when did i last hold hands LMAO WITH @michelinaamour WHEN I WAS STUMBLING HOME DRUNK IN HIGH HEELS

43: how long does it take me to get ready in the morning it depends, anywhere from ten minutes to an hour and a half

44: have you shaved your legs in the past three days no! I am super lucky and have really light colored hairs on my legs and so i dont’ have to shave very often. Also i just want to say that i personally love shaving my legs and it is my choice to do so.. girls, you do not need to shave!!

45: where am i right now so i started answering this in the research lab, but i am currently sitting at one of the dining places on campus finishing it

46: if i were drunk and can’t stand, who’s taking care of me LMAO DEFINITELY @michelinaamour because she’s done it ALREADY FOR ME MULTIPLE TIMES

47: do i like my music loud or at a reasonable level it depends, in car trips, definitely blast it. But just driving around or listening in doors, definitely reasonable level

48: do i live with my mom and dad nope i live with @michelinaamour

49: am i excited for anything yes, I’m excited for lots of things. I get excited easily

50: do i have someone of the opposite sex i can tell everything to no. I used to

51: how often do i wear a fake smile this is a really interesting question. I don’t consider smiles i give to random people like ordering food or something to be fake, so i would say fake smiles are when I’m not okay and trying to hide it. Which happens less often now bc I’m just much happier of a person

52: when was the last time i hugged someone I think it was @michelinaamour two days ago but i think i hugged @cloversofshea that day too so

53: what if the last person i kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me I’d be heartbroken tbh

54: is there anyone i trust even though i should not yes, certain adults in my life

55: what is something i disliked about today my hair won’t do what i want it to :(

56: if i could meet anyone on this earth who would it be probably Chris Evans or Scarlett Johansson

57: what do i think about the most tumblr and everything with that, or probably her or school stuff definitely

58: what’s my strangest talent i don’t think i have any lol

59: do i have any strange phobias yes definitely haha, I’m terrified of stepping on worms

60: do i prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it i think a few years ago i would have said behind, but honestly I think I’d love to be in front of the camera now

61: what was the last lie i told i actually don’t know. Maybe this past weekend as to like the fact that i was going out on a date instead of just going out with a friend

62: do i prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online I’d say talking on the phone bc then they cant’ see me lmao

63: do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? Yes and yes

64: do i believe in magic? Yes, or at least, that’s what i tell myself

65: do i believe in luck yes

66: what’s the weather like right now snowy!

67: what was the last book I’ve ever read The Butchering Art, it’s about the history of surgery

68: do i like the smell of gasoline omg yes yes yes yes yes yes

69: do i have any nicknames yes, madz, madi, girl who lives by the kitchen, queen (a new one) and clown (also a new one) thanks @natthisback

70: what was the worst injury I’ve ever had back in freshman year of college, i did something stupid and my foot swelled up like hell and hurt so bad. There were no fractures detected but the swelling stayed for a really long time, as well as the bruising and pain, and it never returned to normal

71: do i spent my money or save it SPEND IT BABY

72: can i touch my nose w my tongue no I’m not that talented

73: is there anything pink in 10 ft from me. Hmm part of my backpack? And my rings are pinkish bc they are rose gold. Oh and my scrunchie is pink, as well as my iPad

74: favorite animal cat

75: what was i doing last night at 12am i was still at work In the emergency room!

76: what do i think satan’s last name is uh honestly Jim lmao (it’s demons Jim! @cloversofshea )

77: what’s a song that always makes me happy when i hear it so good by dove Cameron

78: how can you win my heart suggest we watch a marvel movie, and I’m prob straight up in love. There are other things too but they’re pretty general, like compliment me, show you want me ya know

79: what would i want to be written on my tombstone haha, as a joke, “so realy its very thing. Just to keep everyone guessing.” But idk something funny

80: what is my favorite word i have no idea, maybe like sophisticated or something like that or aesthetic , champagne is a good one too

81: my top 5 blogs on tumblr ooh! Okay so @markiplier @lesbian-deadpool @americasass-romanoff @lesbianmariahilll @shining-rey-of-sunshine but i love so so so so so many more, and i have a lot of top blogs

82: if the whole world were listening to me right now what would i say fuck trump also I’m gay as hell and I’m growing tired of hiding it from people

83: do i have any relatives in jail not that i know of

84: i accidentally eat some radioactive vegatables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super power of my choice! What is that power lmao this question is great. Prob same powers as Wanda

85: what would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on any weird fetis- JUST KIDDING. Do you still think about them?

86: what is my current desktop picture so on my laptop, it’s fall flowers. But since that’s broken af, i use my iPad and that background is one of the apple ones. It’s just a beach idk why but I’ve never changed it

87: had sex WHY IS THIS IN EVERY SINGLE ASK GAME WTF

88: bought condoms nope i am gay as hell bye

89: gotten pregnant nope i am gay as hell bye

90: failed a class nope, definitely come close though

91: kissed a boy yes

92: kissed a girl yes

93: have i ever kissed somebody in th rain honestly, probably at some point, but I’ve never had one of those romantic kisses in the rain. I really really want to though and i think about it a lot

94: had job yeah, I’ve had three true jobs

95: left the house without my wallet probably

96: bullied someone on the internet no bc I’m not a fucking douche

97: had sex in public not yet

98: played on a sports team yeah, played softball and basketball in middle school

99: smoked weed yeah, but i didn’t get high

100: did drugs nope

101: smoked cigarettes nope, i think i asked drunk once if i could smoke, but my friend was like “really?” And i was like uhhhhhh just kidding haha

102: drank alcohol lmao i drink fucking all the time i mean. I literally have drunk writing nights , I’m drinking tonight too

103: am i a vegetarian/vegan i was a vegetarian for a while, and then an aspiring vegan, and then vegetarian, and then pescatarian now!

104: been overweight no

105: been underweight yes

106: been to a wedding yeah, but like not for a long time. I was like 4 and the flower girl. Oh WAIT. Does playing a wedding count? I played cello at a wedding so i was there???

107: been on the computer for 5 hours straight hell yeah, how would i function not doing this with class and relaxing

108: watched tv for 5 hours straight lmao definitely

109: been outside my home country yeah

110: gotten my heart broken yeah

111: been to a professional sports game yeah. I don’t really do sports though , so when i go it’s usually in suites and I’m just there for the food

112: broken a bone nope!

113: cut myself this is...a. Really deep question but bc i want to be able to speak about mental health on here, the answer is yes.

114: been to prom yes! I went to my junior and senior proms!

115: been in airplane too many times

116: fly by helicopter no, I’m not sure if i want to do this or not

117: what concerts have i been to I’ve been to lots. So first off, I’ve been to hundreds of classical concerts (and performed in them). As for pop, Bruno mars twice, maroon five like three times. Selena Gomez. Josh groban. American authors. Definitely others that i don’t remember

118: had a crush on someone of the same sex yes I’m fucking gay

119: learned another language so if this means fluent, no. I took a decent amount of French and am learning Russian right now!

120: wore make up absolutely. When i choose to wear makeup, its because i fuckign love makeup haha. Most days I’m lazy though and like to let my skin breathe and be natural

121: lost my virginity before I was 18 no

122: had oral sex yeah

123: dyed my hair many times

124: voted in a presidential election okay i think so but honestly can’t remember. But I’m pretty sure i did.

125: rode in an ambulance no and i never want to.

126: had a surgery no and i never want to haha. Well i cant say that. Depending on how my life plays out, I might freeze my eggs or something.

127: met someone famous yes, several I think, but probably Henry winkler was the one I remember most.

128: stalked someone on a social network yeah

129: peed outside nope don’t think so and definitely don’t want to

130: been fishing yes I have been ice fishing and regular fishing

131: helped w charity i have!

132: been rejected by a crush I’ve been not liked back but i don’t think I’ve ever made like a move on a crush and been rejected

133: broken a mirror ooh i don’t think i have actually

134: what do i want for birthday nothing bc i dont’ like my bday

[meteor752]

Obi-Wan’s padawan that I accidentally created and ended up liking (This title is terrible)

My friend, Vera, who cosplayed as Ahsoka during Halloween, found out I had this blog and checked it out. Her favorite post out of them was about Obi-Wan’s Padawan loving Maul, and she asked me to make them a character.

So yeah, we sat down together with Kim, who played Obi-Wan, and started talking about directions to take this character. If you don’t like it, then good for you.

Oh, and I realized that we never came up with a name or gender, so I’m making it a She because I wrote out their whole “Family Tree”, and there’s a lot of males, and her name’s gonna be Vera cuz this was her idea

So yeah, Vera River was born somewhere on Wecacoe by an unknown mother. This unknown bitch of a mother sold her quickly, as she wanted nothing to do with poor Vera, so Vera grew up being sold left and right to different slave owners.

Growing up like this, Vera became a very quiet and scared little girl, because if she talked then it was chains. She hated being in chains, and even later in her life, she refuses to wear things like bracelets as it reminds her of it.

This continued until she was five years old, where there was some mission to Wecacoe by two Jedi and she was accidentally stumbled upon and brought to the Jedi temple. And as you might have guessed, the two who stumbled upon her was a 12 year old Anakin and a 28 year old Obi-Wan Kenobi. Because of the fact that she was saved by the two, she started to idolize them like you wouldn’t believe and made sure to keep up on what was going on in the two’s life.

Vera was put in a clan like every Jedi youngling, and in her case the cobra clan (Again, how do they name these?? We just made this name up). Because of the first five years of her life, it did make her a bit insecure and jumpy, which was easy to pick on by her clanmates.

The cobra clan consists of a Pau’an male named Timoa, a Devoranian male named Kaltin, a Kel dor female named Tiivia, a Mon Calamari named Meeka and a female Chiss named Amore. Vera did not get along with either Timoa, Kaltin nor Amore, but Tiivia and Meeka were nice.

Vera herself is from an unknown species (Don’t try to look it up, my friends and I made it up), that is sort of near-human. Her skin is chalk white, french braided hair is ebony black and eyes mud brown with a single peck of Amber. She looks relatively human, the only really abnormal thing is that her arms are a little extra long, and sharp fangs instead of teeth.

The thing is, she has a “Beast” form. When she feels threatened or scared, her outward appearance completely changes.

Her limbs grow longer, her back curves so she has to walk on four legs and her jaw can unhinge when she snarls, hisses or roars. Her mouth is unable to form real words, so instead she sends them telepathically into whoever she is talking to’s brain. The top of her head is formed into a sort of tentacle mass, and two extra arms come out of her back. The worst thing though if you ask her, the worst thing is the eyes. Upon the tentacles, there are almost two dozen covering them, and multiple appear and disappear on her body all the time. It is creepy and confusing on so many levels.

Vera is extremely shamed of the beast, and no one in the Jedi council knows of it except for Master Fisto.

During her clan’s first swim class when she was around nine, Timoa pushed her into the water and the beast emerged, as Vera is deeply terrified of water. Master Fisto comforted her, the sweetheart he is, and promised to keep it a secret. He also made the rest of her clan, who were terrified, keep the same promise. After that day, she had gained a lot more respect from her clan, and she overcame her fear of water.

During her gathering, after having to climb up a wall she could only do as the beast, she instead of founding one crystal, found two. Confused as ever, she climbed back down with the two crystals tightly in her grasp and made it out of the cave, first in her clan as well.

Back on the ship while looking at lightsaber types, she stumbles upon something called a Light Whip and falls in love. So yeah, this sweetie now has two blue light whips, good luck defeating her.

But like, a week or two after Ahsoka, aka the clone wars movie and stuff, Obi-Wan once again requested a Padawan, and after seven years Vera once again met her hero.

And she was his Padawan. Great, time to panic.

Over the course of seven years at the temple, she had done her fair share of research on Master Kenobi and holy kriff this guy can’t catch a break, can he. 

So she decided to put up a bubbly, happy exited facade so he won’t have to deal with the mess of a being she is. 

The two of them actually ended up getting along quite well, despite Vera putting him on a pedestal all the time. They joked and sassed out each other, but they also fought together perfectly. 

Vera and ‘Soka got along as well, with both being new Padawans and not too large of an age difference. They became like sisters, and more than once referred to each other as such.

Ani on the other hand...they didn’t exactly hate each other, they just..did not...get along. Vera still admired him greatly, he did help with her rescue as a five year old after all.

During a mission where just the two of them ended up stuck in a ship in the middle of space for a couple of hours, Vera tried an Ice Breaker to get to know each other better.

They ended up really getting to know each other though, as they both vented about their past and feelings -Ani about his jealousy for Vera being a better Padawan than he could ever be and his anger for the Jedi council, and Vera about bottling up her feelings- and then cried. After that they had a better connection and became sort of slave buds. They never called themselves that though, cuz that is weird.

Oh, remember this? Yeah, if Vera was present she would have been discussing that with them, as she is easily distracted.

 After that though, she started pondering about their actual lineage and how wide it goes, so yeah she started her research, and after a couple of months she had mapped out everything and was on multiple masters radar.

The only people she Officially showed were Master Kenobi, Ani and ‘Soka, but she did slip from time to time and just accidentally showed someone to prove a point. 

After ‘Soka by mistake called Ani dad (A headcanon of mine, you can’t tell me it didn’t happen at least thrice) she did another family tree, but this time of how she viewed her family, and since both the 501st and 212th are apart of it she had to get to know the name of every clone trooper in both battalions that have ever lived. 

It. was. torture. But worth it!

This one was more personal though, and only a few people knew about it. And anytime Ani and Master Kenobi had a “moment”, she may or may not have squealed a bit because the tree ‘Soka! The tree!

This also created the inside joke of Master Kenobi and Vera from time to time calling each other “Dad” and “Daughter”, mostly to tease Ani and ‘Soka, but also because they had made a bond over their time together.

Even though she viewed both Master Kenobi and Ani as her father figures, Vera still really liked Satine and just thinks that she and Master Kenobi should hook up already.

She’s also one of the very few people that are unaware of Senator Amidala and Ani’s marriage, but she still thinks they would be a cute couple.

Ummmmm, what do we more have...she’s Aromantic Asexual! She just doesn’t see Romantic Love as necessary to her, and Sex will forever be destroyed for her thanks to her history as a slave, cough cough.

Her diet mainly consists of bugs when she’s unable to go hunting. This grosses Master Kenobi out like you wouldn’t believe, cuz great now there’s two of them. Ani and ‘Soka approves.

When she is on a forest planet though, then she gladly sneaks away to go hunting. It’s not that she’s not allowed, persay, it’s just that most of the time parts of The Beast is shown.

If she sees that it is safe enough, she sometimes lets the beast out for a run, mostly because if she doesn’t and keeps it hidden for too long she becomes aggressive, and she fears that it might appear out of nowhere.

I realized after this was finished that fuuuuck, this means I have to add what Vera was doing during every episode both Obi-Wan and Ahsoka is in fucking kill meeee. So yeah, this is not discussed with either Kim nor Vera, this is only me. Surprise Mother Fuckers.

And I won’t explain every arc, as most times she was just standing around or fighting.

During Mortis she was unconscious. I rewatched the episodes for this, and realized that there is no way to add her without changing major plot points. So yeah, after Ahsoka and Kenobi fall asleep in that cave and have their visions, she does too but doesn’t wake up until they’ve left Mortis. I will explain why later

Slaves of Zygerria she just takes Rex’s place basically, since she’s an ex-slave and doesn’t want to be put back into that. This backfires however as they are put into the slave camp, and suffer terrible nightmares after it for months. Lot of cuddles with Ahsoka if ya know what I mean

During the Citadel Arc, she actually follows orders and stays behind, Ahsoka!

She goes into depression during the Hardeen ordeal and didn’t leave her quarters. No one blamed her for that.

Alright let’s address the elephant in the room here.

She found out at an early age about Maul killing Master Kenobi’s master, and at first she was as shocked and terrified as most younglings were, because A Sith?! We thought those were dead!!

But then she was actually showed a picture of Maul, and holy shit this guy looked cool!!

Like, she has seen Zabraks before, obviously, but damn! The way his dark tattoos looked against his red skin, the glowing eyes, the tattoos just !! Wow!!

It got even worse when she first found out about his red double-bladed lightsaber, that made him look even cooler!

More than once after Vera became Master Kenobi’s Padawan did she ask about the Sith, as vaguely as she could, but her master didn’t really like talking about it and she accepted that.

When she found out that he was alive though...holy shit...

‘Soka could literally not make her stop talking about it, and Vera waited not so patiently day after day until finally, finally, her master told her that they were dealing with a “Maul Issue”.

Callback to this, she freaked out, Maul and Savage were confused as hell and Master Kenobi was just. what. the fuck. why. is this. happening to me.

On their way back to the temple, bloody and bruised, more Master Kenobi then Vera as Savage had a very hard time fighting her, he asked what the kriff that was.

So yeah, Vera started rambling about how fucking awesome she thought Maul was, the same with his brother who she found out existed two hours earlier, and that she really wanted a double bladed saber and Master Kenobi just being like this is really not what I meant, stop idolizing them.

She acts similar around Mr. Ohnaka, who finds great joy in the little Kenobi and gladly answered all of her questions about being a Pirate when they meet.

Now, Vera isn’t all happy feeling of course. Just like everyone else, she suffers negative feelings as well, and in her case they are quite...extra.

She has a bad habit of tapping into the dark side of the force, sometimes out of anger, sometimes fear, and sometimes just because it’s the easiest way. If you are able to kill someone by force choking them to end the mission, why shouldn’t you? It doesn’t make you a bad person, right?

Well, it did however turn on her after she turned fourteen, two years after she was assigned to Master Kenobi, and just a few months before the Jedi Purge (Also before ‘Soka’s trial)

A small stealth mission, Master Kenobi and Ani with their two Padawans and a handful of clones, was surprised by a full on assault. The four of them nearly got killed that day.

But a wall inside Vera broke, and every ounce of the Dark Side of the force inside of her was set free, which meant that parts of The Beast were shown.

Vera herself lifted off the ground, together with every droid in front of her, and then they all were crushed at once.

When Vera’s feet were back on the ground once again, and she looked back at the three near unconscious bodies, it was instead of her two mud brown eyes six pitch black one, two on her cheekbones and two on her forehead.

She smiled back at them, showing off her fanged teeth, but she was met with faces of horror. That was when the true realization of what she had done hit her, and The four extra eyes melted back into her skin. Horrifying sight, truly.

She was silent on the way back to the Jedi temple, ‘Soka trying to ask her what happened, but she simply just shook her head.

It was the same in front of the council, she refused to speak so Master Kenobi had to explain what happened. Master Fisto also ended up telling them about the beast, reluctantly, and only after gaining a silent nod from her.

She was expelled that day.

Left silently, didn’t speak to her master, brother Padawan nor sister.

(Alright, I want y’all to take the next thing with a grain of salt. Vera, Kim and I had fun with the idea, and it was mostly a joke, but I’m going to share it anyways. Oh and also, I would recommend reading this beforehand, as use that headcanon, thanks!)

Barely a week or two after she left for Wecacoe trying to find anything about what the kriff she was, she started to feel a presence. It was weak and vague, but one thing was sure.

It was dark.

So Vera sat down in meditation position in front of a candle, as she had always found that that helped, and started to meditate in the dark side of the force.

Barely an hour into doing this it was there once again, more evident this time. When she opened her now six eyes, she locked eyes with a barely solid being, whose eyes shone with gleam and amusement. A being she had only briefly seen before it had knocked her unconscious for who knows how long a year prior in Mortis.

The Son

As any sane person she stood up and ignited her whips, asking how and why he was there.

So he explained who she was.

A fucking force wielder, created fourteen years ago in an attempt to create a being as powerful as him to balance how to ever growing light side of the force. His daughter.

After a lot of convincing and ifs and buts, Vera actually agreed to follow to Mortis as the embodiment of the Darkside, just so she can balance everything out. 

(Personal headcanon of mine, the moment a force wielder dies another one is created, if one doesn’t already exist that is. So yeah, she also agrees to find her one year old cousin and brings him there no she did not kidnap him hush).

The Jedi council notices the small shift in the force, and Kenobi, Skywalker, and Tano eventually figures out Mortis, and thanks to the fact that Anakin is a Force Wielder himself (I will never stop believing that), they manage.

The three of them expect to find the Son, or something like him in the Cathedral.

Instead, they find Vera on the floor meditating, her eyes dark and ominous and red markings over her white skin.

They questioned it, obviously, and she explained who and what she was. They didn’t believe her, why would they, and thought that the Son had just manipulated her. This angered her a little as the son, her father, had passed away just a few days earlier. A force manifestation doesn’t make it for that long without a body, and he had fulfilled his purpose by bringing her there.

She offered them to stay, and if they would declined she didn’t want them returning. They refused, and Vera snapped, attacking.

She nearly killed Ahsoka. She stood above her, her whips way to close to the Togrutas throat, eyes once again pitch black and fangs glimmering in the small light that was let in.

Anakin saved her life by slicing up Vera’s mouth, completely destroying parts of her lips. Everything stopped inside of Vera for a second as she was thrown back, blood pouring down her face. A force wielder could not die unless it was of the dagger, but physical damage could be caused to them.

The rage flooded inside her veins, and when she looked up back at her former master, brother padawan and sister, her eyes were neither black nor brown. They were red, and had no sign of her usual kind and happy nature left in them.

Vera lifted the three of the ground, and as angry tears streamed down her face she yelled at them to never return or she would end their life immediately, and then forced them out of Mortis. That was the last time she saw any of them.

She spent most of her days taking care of her cousin, Tartur, or meditating the pain away. Crying became a part of her routine. At first, she constantly checked Kenobi, Skywalker and Tano’s force presence, but stopped after just a few weeks as it hurt too much.

The purge almost gave her a heart attack, as it was so much pain and death at once. All the deaths mixed together made that she couldn’t clearly tell who died when, but when it was finally over she simply assumed that everyone was gone, including her former master and her sister. 

Skywalkers fall was understandable, she’d felt his possessive nature when she was still a Padawan, but she was still angered.

Tartur grew up hearing stories of the galaxy, the Jedi and the force. Vera taught him everything she knew about using the force and trained him in hand to hand combat and with a pole resembling a lightsaber. She never picked up her light whips after the day she nearly killed her sister.

Despite being the woman that raised him, and his family, and being the embodiment of light, Tartur grew up hating his cousin because she could leave, he couldn’t.

By Anakin, the child of the force, using the dark side, Tartur had to stay on Mortis to keep the balance and push light side into the force at all times.

Vera on the other hand could leave, or for a few days at least, but she chose not to unless it was for a supply run (This girl loves her son good hot chocolate), otherwise she stayed at all times.

When Maul died, she felt it which was a surprise to her for two reasons.

One, he survived for that long? Told you he was awesome!

And two, she hadn’t felt any deaths since the purge.

Obi-Wan was next, which nearly tore her open. His death actually made her leave Mortis just to find out what happened, and that was when she met a sunny force sensitive young boy named Skywalker. Wait a minute-!

Ahsoka’s death was the last one, years later. At this point she had nearly gotten used to it, and she was able to accept it.

It was also during this time that Tartur and her started to avoid each other for long periods of time. They kept to their side of the planet for sometimes weeks, sometimes longer. Once they went for two years.

After maybe a millions years of living on this planet, sulking for the most part, Vera decided to take initiative and actually see the galaxy, find out what happened to the places she used to love so much.

And the galaxy sure was...different. When she walked around, a cloak covering her dark Jedi looking robes and red eyes scanning the area, she noticed multiple untrained force sensitive beings.

During some quick research in a library, she learned that the Jedi were seen as myths and legends nowadays, and that very few people believed in their existence.

So she took some more initiative and managed to charm her way into talking in front of a couruscant school, her old masters teachings always comes to use, and before she knew it she stood on a stage in front of hundreds of wondering and confused eyes.

So she started simply, asking how many knew what a Jedi were, of which maybe a fourth of the school raised their hand, something that made her incredibly sad. When she asked how many believed in the Jedi, nearly everyone lowered their hand, except for a small Zabrak boy, maybe thirteen or fourteen years old.

The Zabrak boy got a few laughs from the audience, but Vera simply smiled kindly and asked for his name, which was Revar.

And then she explained the force, the Jedi, the Sith, tales of the old republic she’d heard as a child, the clone war, the empire the first order everything. Everything to these children, and no one said a word as she spoke, just stared at her in awe.

When she was finally done and her mouth was dry and she craved hot chocolate, an even younger Twi’lek girl raised her hand and asked what the Jedi were like.

After she answered that question, more hands flew into the air.

So she kept returning to that school, once every three months, to tell stories and answer questions. Some kids did a little research on their own and asked questions about specific Jedi, and she gladly told them of what she knew.

Around ten kids on the school were force sensitive, including Revar, and there were even some that were related to the Jedi of her time. This she never told them while on stage though, and instead in private. She taught these ten a few tricks to conceal their force abilities, but also how to do simple Jedi mind tricks or moving small objects.

More schools requested her, and after around three years with these kids she moved on to a different one. Eventually she stood on stage in front of entire planets, and from time to time even got help by Tartur.

Planets started to hail the Jedi more and more, and small monuments were built in their honor. Temples were created and some requested Vera to teach them, something she accepted.

Soon the Jedi were back, but in a different way than before. Instead of mainly using the light side, or mainly the dark side, it was a mix of both as that is what Vera are.

Vera and Tartur made sure this lasted for billions of years, teaching new younglings and making sure the older spread what they had learnt. Of course they had to regularly return to Mortis, but when they could they were traveling the galaxy.

Aeons after her birth, Vera finally passed away peacefully, her cousins promising to take care of the child that would be created when she was gone.

He didn’t cry, he’d seen this coming for days and he knew that his time weren’t that far away either.

Vera reunited with her family finally in the force, and she watched as what she had created continued to live on long after she was gone.

•

•

This took time! Like, really long time! Me, Vera and Kim talked for hours about this, and had to stop to rewatch the Mortis Arc in the middle of it. I actually like where we took this, and it was fun to do.

But for real, this took weeks, so be grateful

[searchingwardrobes]

Natural Opposite: 11/16

This chapter has been a long time coming, and I am so excited to finally share it! Though Emma and Killian’s relationship doesn’t escalate in the physical sense yet, some walls still come down emotionally. This chapter is also one of the reasons for the M rating as we find out more of Emma’s back story.

Huge thanks as always to my awesome beta @distant-rose, and a shout out to everyone in the CSBB for the discord chat to help me pick the song for this Halloween dance. Especially @katie-dub who recommended “Dark Waltz” by Hayley Westenra. Be sure to check out her CSBB story, Princess of White Chapel, because it is SO good! Actually, everyone in the CSBB put out exceptional work, so be sure to give them all the love and attention they deserve.

I can not fully express how much I love the chapter art that @optomisticgirl did for this. It was the first piece she made, and I was just blown away the minute I saw it! So be sure to go over to her blog and like and reblog because she deserves all the love!

Here is her other chapter art for this story:Two Four Five Six Seven Nine

Summary: Dance is more than Emma Swan’s career; it’s practically saved her life on more than one occasion. But when it comes to reality TV shows, she’s always danced in the shadows of her twin brother David and her sister Elsa. Her first season as a pro on Dancing With the Stars was a disaster, and she enters her second season determined to prove herself. All she needs is a good partner. Hollywood bad boy and ladies’ man Killian Jones isn’t what she had in mind.

Rating: M for mature themes, steamy dance routines, and sexy times (But NOT smut)

Trigger warnings: discussions of online solicitation of a minor, bullying, statutory rape, and emotionally abusive/controlling relationships; stalking; anti-Rumbelle, anti-Neal

Can also be read on Ao3

Tagging: (let me know if you want to be added to my tag list) @snowbellewells @kmomof4 @jennjenn615 @kday426 @bethacaciakay @teamhook @whimsicallyenchantedrose @snidgetsafan @delirious-latenight-laughs @winterbaby89 @followbatb @onceuponaprincessworld @hollyethecurious @ohmakemeahercules

Chapter Eleven: Dark Waltz

Emma was a nervous wreck arriving at the studio to rehearse with Killian. She wasn’t sure how she should handle the gossip. Should she bring it up? Would he? Should she just pretend not to know and ignore it? Would it make things awkward between them? Killian was always flirting with her, trying to get her to open up, but he had never actually asked her out or made a move. She liked things where they were: friendship with innocent flirting. She didn’t want those stupid pictures to mess up the delicate balance they had struck.

But when she stepped off the elevator on the top floor, the sound of loud shouting from the studio at the end of the hall had all thoughts of paparazzi pushed from her mind. She raced down the hall, along with several other celebs and pro dancers towards the room where Jefferson and Belle rehearsed. Emma was shocked to find Robert Gold on the floor, Liam Jones on top of him. Killian was trying to pull his brother off as he threw punches at the older man. Belle was crying and begging Liam to stop. Finally, Jefferson and Graham joined Killian and the three of them managed to pull Liam back and calm him down. Security then rushed in and ushered Liam, Gold, and Belle out of the room. Jefferson followed along with his partner.

Once they had gone, Emma turned to Killian in shock. “What the hell was that all about?”

Killian ran a shaking hand through his hair. “Apparently Gold has been stalking Belle. Liam came to bring her coffee this morning, and he caught Gold in here with her. Liam said he was touching her somehow, but my brother wasn’t exactly focusing on talking, if you know what I mean.”

Emma’s forehead wrinkled in concern. “Poor Belle.” She reached out and laid a hand on Killian’s arm. He was clearly agitated. “Security will sort it all out, okay? We’ve had crazy shit happen before, believe me.”

“I’m sure you’re right. I just hope Belle’s okay. She has such a kind heart, and she’s good for my brother. I’d hate for him to have to go home so soon over all this.”

Emma just rubbed his arm in silence for a moment. “Do you want to cancel our rehearsals for today? Go make sure Liam’s alright?”

Killian shook his head. “We’ve missed so much rehearsal time already. And aren’t we choreographing the group number this afternoon?”

He had a point, so despite Killian’s obvious worry, they headed back to their usual studio. They jumped right into their waltz, working hard all morning. It seemed to calm Killian to have something to focus on. In the midst of everything, Emma never did bring up the TMZ pictures.

******************************************************

Emma and Killian had been teamed up with two athletes for the group dance: figure skater Aurora Briar who danced with Sean Herman, and NFL football player Lance Knight who was partnered with Gwen Pendragon. They had to dance to the song “Somebody That I Used to Know” by Goyte. Gwen had been on the show almost since the beginning, and kind of took charge. Emma wanted to do a vampire themed paso doble, but Gwen decided that they would do a dance patterned more after the song’s music video. So the number ended up being a combination of a tango and a modern piece, and the story was about three widowers looking at the paintings of their deceased wives. The paintings came to life, and the dance ensued.

Killian argued that after Emma’s incredible choreography with “Heart Shaped Box,” she should have more say. But Emma pulled him aside to talk him down.

“This is supposed to be fun,” she hissed at him.

“Your idea was way better, Swan,” he argued, “and the judges still score this dance.”

“That’s sweet of you to say,” Emma told him, “but Gwen’s been on this show for a really long time. She’s already won the mirror ball twice and gotten three Emmy nominations for her choreography.”

Killian’s jaw clenched. Lance teasingly asked if they were finished kissing in the corner. Emma turned bright red, thinking back to those TMZ pictures they had never discussed.

“Shut up, Lance!” Emma shot back.

Killian deflated and gave Emma a sheepish smile as he scratched behind his ear.

“Sorry, love, I just see so much talent in you. I hate to see it underappreciated.”

Emma felt her heart soar at his words. She had worked so hard for so many years, yet always felt under other people’s shadows. Namely her brother’s and her sister’s. The fact that Killian saw so much in her was both encouraging and terrifying.

They went back to the rest of the group, and Killian behaved himself. He and Aurora were the stronger celebs when it came to picking up the choreography, but Lance was determined, as athletes usually were on the show. Killian provided good balance for the two intense competitors, getting both Aurora and Lance to laugh and enjoy the group dynamic. Emma marveled at his ability to get along with everyone so easily. She wished she had that quality.

The rest of the days leading up to the Halloween episode flew by. They filmed the requisite clips of their team trash-talking the other one and pretending to “spy” on the other group’s rehearsals. In the frenetic pace of everything, those pictures on TMZ never came up. Even the media seemed to lose interest as news that Belle French had put out a restraining order on Robert Gold consumed everyone’s attention. Killian had been worried that Gold would press assault charges against his brother, but when the obsessive content of the man’s texts and emails to Belle became public, the billionaire had other things on his mind. And Emma hated herself for even thinking it, but part of her was glad that the drama with Gold would be at the forefront of everyone’s minds in the studio come Monday afternoon.

*****************************************************

Emma and Killian, for the first time all season, were scheduled to dance first for the Halloween episode. The set department, like every Halloween, had outdone themselves. Emma had asked for a graveyard, and they had delivered. A black iron gate flanked the dance floor, and in between were an assortment of tombstones. Dry ice sent fog billowing throughout the scene.

“Did they have to use my actual name?” Killian whispered in her ear as she took her place in front of the largest of the tombstones. It read in large, block letters: “Killian Jones.”

Emma just shrugged at him. “Better you than me,” she teased, “now go find your mark.”

He squeezed her hand before walking to the other side of the dance floor and taking his place behind one of the iron gates. The premise of their dance was fairly simple: Emma was a bride widowed on her wedding day. The costume department had made her a gorgeous lace wedding gown that was tattered and stained with blood. Black roses adorned her hair, which was down in a messy mass of curls. Killian, the deceased groom, was dressed in a tux that was in similar shape, and the makeup department had rubbed his skin with white foundation. But the truly gruesome part were the bloody wounds they had added to his face.

“The makeup team sort of knocked the handsome out of me,” he had joked to Emma when she first saw him.

Emma had just shaken her head and laughed. “No make-up artist is that good.” She swore she could see him blush through his heavy foundation.

The video package this week was fairly innocuous. It focused more on the storyline of their dance and silly Halloween jokes than on the actual content of their rehearsals. As it wound to a close, Emma knelt before the tombstone, a black rose in her hand. Camera angles would make it appear to the viewing audience at home that Killian’s ghost appeared out of nowhere to dance with her.

The strains of “Dark Waltz” by Hayley Westenra began to play as Emma set the rose on top of the tombstone. As she always did when performing, Emma reached deep inside of her, to emotions that she normally kept buried. My character has lost her lover, Emma lectured herself internally, She’s alone and grieving.

Later, Emma would try to pinpoint exactly what opened the floodgates of pain, but she could never decide if were the first melancholy notes of music or the gentle touch of Killian’s hand on her shoulder. Whatever it was, she danced the waltz with a raw emotion she had never experienced before. It wasn’t just the grieving widow who was desperate to hold onto her lover, it was Emma as well. Killian fed off her energy, and they both grasped for one another in an almost desperate way. It was truly a dark waltz, just like the song said.

At the end, when Emma spun back around to find Killian’s “ghost” suddenly gone, her own choreography called for her to collapse to the ground in grief. It didn’t, however, call for tears. Yet they came anyway. Something about the character being so utterly, completely alone - abandoned forever -tore at Emma in a way she couldn’t explain. Emma choked, attempting to hold the tears at bay, yet they streamed down her face anyway. She put a trembling hand to her mouth, taking deep breaths through her nose, but they wouldn’t stop. Soon, Killian was there, helping her up to her feet. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close to his chest where her tears wet his shirt.

“Are you okay?” he whispered, making no move to steer her towards the judges.

Emma took a long, shaky breath and nodded as the tears finally stopped flowing. She gave Killian a wobbly smile. “Yeah, I’m fine.”

He gave her a gentle smile in return, reaching up to brush her tears away with his knuckles. “Are you sure, love?”

She nodded, her cheeks flooding with heat. She turned towards the judges with shaky steps, Killian’s arm a strong support at her waist. The judges and most of the audience were on their feet. Marco asked her a question – something about her emotions - and she stumbled over some kind of answer about being swept away by the story. She wasn’t entirely sure due to the roaring in her ears. She barely registered what any of the judges said. Tiana had to deduct points for an illegal lift, but otherwise, the feedback was positive. Upstairs, the roaring in her ears continued as Ashley interviewed them. It mostly consisted of Ashley marveling over Killian’s disturbing makeup. Emma had a feeling her partner was trying to intentionally pull the attention away from her and her emotional outburst because he laughed and teased Ashley for several minutes about his fake bloodied face. Then the scores were announced: two tens and a nine. Emma was still numb as Killian grabbed her in a tight hug, pulling her up off her feet. The second Ashley announced a commercial break, Emma dashed for the backstage area, ripping off her mic as she went.

Emma found a corner behind the plywood sets and lowered herself shakily to the cold concrete floor. She pulled her knees to her chest and buried her face in the circle of her arms. She felt the black roses atop her head slip down over one ear.

“Please mates,” she heard Killian’s voice behind her, “give her some bloody privacy.”

She felt his hand on her shoulder, and thinking back to the start of their dance, shuddered at his touch. “I sent the camera guys away,” he told her softly, “so if you want to tell me what happened out there –“

“No,” Emma cut him off, “I don’t.”

“I’d like to help –“

“Killian,” she snapped, “leave me alone. Please.”

She heard him release a long sigh, then his hand slipped from her shoulder. It fell silent around her again, and she assumed he had done as she had asked. Then a hand touched her elbow.

“Damn it, Killian, I said –“ Emma’s words died on her lips when she lifted her face to see her brother kneeling beside her. “Oh,” she muttered sheepishly, pushing hair out of her face, “I didn’t know it was you.”

David shifted so he was sitting on the floor next to her, his arm around her. Emma sagged against him, resting her head on his shoulder like she used to when she was a kid. For several minutes, they just sat there. Ariel appeared at the far end of the corridor, her silhouette outlined by the stage lights behind her.

“David, we’ve got a troupe dance in five!”

“Gimme a minute!” he snapped back in irritation. Ariel shrugged and headed back towards the stage.

Emma dug an elbow into her brother’s ribs. “You better get going.”

David made no move to leave. Finally, he leaned over and whispered against her hair. “It was about Neal, wasn’t it?”

Emma stiffened.

“You don’t have to be so tough, Emma,” he told her gently.

“I know what you’re going to say,” Emma groaned, “and the last thing I want to do is talk about this on some therapist’s couch.”

David actually chuckled. “Oh, I think Mom and I have given up on trying to get you to do that. But you know, you’ve got a family of four people. Five, if you count Mary Margaret, which she would. And not one of us would mind being a shoulder to cry on or a listening ear. We may not be a conventional family, but we all love you.”

“David, come on!” It was now Ruby shouting for her brother.

“Go,” she told him, giving him a shove, “before you get fired.”

He kissed the top of her head and left her. Emma yanked the crown of depressing flowers off her head and threw them aside. Black roses. No wonder it brought back memories of Neal.

**************************************************

It was past two in the morning, and Emma couldn’t sleep. And after how the show ended today, she desperately needed to. The results had been a shock to everyone: no one had been eliminated. In retrospect, Emma should have seen it coming. The producers hadn’t given the pros even a hint of what the theme was for the week. Turned out, it was one that always proved dramatic: partner switch week. Instead of dancing with Killian, she had been paired with baseball player August Booth. Emma groaned as she stirred her hot chocolate. Baseball players were notoriously stiff dancers. It could be Leroy all over again. At least the guy was attractive.

Emma shuffled over to the couch and settled down with a heavy quilt draped across her legs. She took a sip of her cocoa as she sagged against the cushions. Retrospection wasn’t one of Emma’s strengths, but she attempted to at least pin down what was bothering her. Knowing she had to dance with a new partner was stressful, so it could be that. Or maybe it was the second dance she would have to do with Killian: a dance off against Elsa and Graham of all couples. They were definitely going for drama next week, that was for sure.

Then Emma remembered her embarrassing meltdown on a live television show. She set down her mug and buried her head beneath the covers. Who was she kidding? She couldn’t sleep because her emotions were too close to the surface. Fear and pain that she had pushed aside for ten years had come bubbling up without warning. Why now?

Emma’s phone, which was lying on the coffee table, lit up with a text message. She snatched it up, curious as to who would be contacting her at such an ungodly hour. She blinked to see a message from Killian.

I’m outside, but I didn’t want to wake anyone up.

Emma’s brow furrowed in surprise. Everything okay?

I’m actually here because I’m worried YOU aren’t okay.

Emma let out a long breath. She gnawed on her lower lip, considering, then rose from the couch with the quilt still wrapped around herself. She opened the door to see Killian on the other side, his gaze hesitant. She was surprised to see him in a baseball cap.

“How did you even know I would be up?” she whispered.

He shrugged. “Lucky guess? You seemed pretty shaken up today.” He shuffled his feet, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “And I couldn’t sleep either.”

Emma gave him a teasing smile. “That worried about switching partners?”

He smiled back. “Maybe I am. I’m sure Jasmine is a fine dancer, but there’s only one Emma Swan.”

Emma felt inexplicably shy all of a sudden, standing there in her plaid pajamas with a ratty old quilt draped over her shoulders. She cleared her throat awkwardly. “Look, Killian, everyone’s asleep –“

“I know,” he interrupted quickly, “I was wondering if you’d come with me.”

Emma rolled her eyes. “Not really in the mood for partying.”

He shook his head, his eyes sparkling. “I had something else in mind. You can even stay in your PJs, and . . . are those wookie slippers?”

Emma chuckled as she shuffled her feet, “A Christmas present from Henry.”

“Ah, I see.” She suddenly realized that Killian himself was in a long sleeve tee and jeans, in addition to the cap. It was the most casual she had ever seen him.

“Um,” Emma mumbled, letting go of one end of the quilt so she could tuck her wayward hair behind her ears, “I’ll go change. Just wait here.”

Emma quickly threw on a pair of yoga pants and a sweatshirt, then pulled her hair into a messy ponytail. She slipped into a pair of flip flops, joined Killian outside, and they headed downstairs to his car.

“Never seen you in a hat,” she commented.

He shrugged. “I didn’t want any more pictures getting out.”

Emma felt herself blush as he opened his car door for her. “So you saw those.”

“Aye,” he said as he slid behind the driver’s wheel, “I’ve gotten used to that sort of thing, but I know you’re not. I hope you weren’t too upset by it.”

“I was at first, but nothing came of it, so . . . “ Emma trailed off, unsure what else to say. The pictures honestly seemed like a whole lot of nothing compared to the memories that wouldn’t quit invading her mind since their waltz that afternoon. Silence settled between them, but not an uncomfortable one. Emma leaned her head against the window, looking up at the hazy LA sky.

“I just want you to know,” Killian said softly, “that I’m doing this as a friend. I can tell your heart is troubled, and I’d like to help if I can.”

Emma turned to examine his profile as he concentrated on driving. She pulled her knees to her chest as she took in the sincerity of his expression. Neal had made her cynical, untrusting, and yet here she was driving through LA with an actor of all people at 2:30 in the morning. She closed her eyes and waited for the panic to set in. She was shocked when it never came.

The rest of the twenty minute drive was a quiet one. Finally, Killian pulled up to a marina on the coast where a row of sleek yachts were moored. Emma got out, eager to feel the sea breeze on her face. Killian came to walk beside her, resting his hand at the small of her back to guide her up the pier.

“You have a boat?”

“Aye,” Killian answered, stopping in front of a yacht with gold trim and the name The Jewel of the Realm painted on the side in navy blue, “and here she is.”

“She’s not The Jolly Roger?” Emma teased as he helped her on board.

“No, but Jewel of the Realm,” he replied, emphasizing the first letters, “see what I did there?”

Emma nodded, “I get it.”

“Now, Swan,” Killian told her, guiding her up a ladder to a deck area on top of the yacht, “I want you to relax while I get us out a little ways from shore.”

Emma looked at the pile of cushions and blankets artfully scattered around. She arched a brow at Killian. “Are you trying to seduce me?”

Killian reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, his expression earnest. “I meant what I said in the car. I find the sea calming. That’s all I want to give you, Emma. A little bit of peace from your troubles. If I can.”

Emma swallowed nervously, taking a quick step back. She hadn’t been expecting him to sidestep such an open invitation to an innuendo. This kind offering of friendship was almost harder to deal with than his flirting. Emma masked her discomfort with a joke. “Well that’s good because I may just fall asleep.”

Killian ducked his head with a soft chuckle. “If so, then my work here is done.”

He turned to go down to the wheel, but Emma stopped him. “Wait. You – you’ll come back up in a few minutes, right?”

He smiled softly. “Aye, love, as soon as I lay anchor.”

Once he had left, Emma sank down to the cushions and drew a blanket around herself. The air here on the water was a bit chillier than in the city. She leaned back, tilting her head up to look at the sky. As they headed farther out to sea, she could see stars twinkling overhead. Killian was right; it was calming. The rocking of the boat and the repetitive whooshing sound of the water caused Emma to drift off for a moment. She wasn’t sure how much time had passed when the cutting of the engine and a loud splash awakened her. Killian came back up the ladder, smiling softly at her as he settled in next to her. They both lay there, looking up at the clear night sky. Killian said nothing, and Emma appreciated the silence. When she finally spoke, she could only manage a whisper.

“His name was Neal.”

Killian turned to look at her, “Henry’s father?”

Emma nodded, looking away from his gaze and up at the stars instead. “I was sixteen when I met him online. I had a MySpace page, and that’s where we started talking. He said he was eighteen.” Emma fiddled with the edge of the blanket across her lap. “I was young and stupid, shared too much personal information. He wanted to come to one of my dance competitions.” Emma let out a long, shaky breath. “That’s when I found out he wasn’t eighteen.”

Still Killian didn’t speak, but he brushed his hand against hers. Emma grasped it, threading her fingers with his like they always did on the dance floor.

“He was twenty-five,” Emma continued. She chanced a glance at Killian, but his only reaction was a slight clenching of his jaw. “Anyway, Ingrid never knew he was at that competition. He made me promise not to tell anyone about him. He said people wouldn’t understand. He kissed me and told me I was beautiful. Said that watching me dance was mesmerizing. I convinced myself it was love.”

Killian squeezed her hand. “You don’t have to tell me anymore if you don’t want to,” he told her softly.

“No,” she said in a shaky voice, “I want to. I need to.” The next part was the hardest to tell. “It was always at my competitions that we would meet. This went on for a year. When I was seventeen, he asked me for a dance lesson. So I snuck out of my hotel room where the competition was being held . . .“

Suddenly, Emma felt as if a weight had settled on her chest. She sat up, struggling to breath. Killian sat next to her, rubbing her back soothingly. She put her head between her knees, breathing in through her nose, and out through her mouth, the way Ingrid had taught her.

“Did he rape you?” Killian asked gently.

Emma shook her head as she let out a long, cleansing breath. “No, but it was the night I lost my virginity. Like I said, I thought it was love. After that, he . . . changed. He became more demanding of my time, more intrusive, more critical. It became harder and harder to hide things from Ingrid, but Neal kept saying that she would never understand the way he loved me. But Ingrid knew something was wrong. I was skipping rehearsals, my grades were dropping, I was tired all the time. She and I were always fighting. It was the same with David and my sisters. I started pulling away from them. Neal encouraged it. Only now can I see that he wasn’t who he said he was.”

By the time Emma finished, tears were pouring down her face. She turned towards Killian, who let her fall against his chest as ugly sobs tore at her. She hadn’t cried like this in over ten years. His arms tightened around her.

“I’m so sorry, Emma,” he told her brokenly. “Does he know about Henry?”

Emma pulled back, rolling her eyes as she scrubbed at her tear-stained cheeks. “Why do you think he disappeared? I told him I was pregnant, and that was it. I couldn’t reach him; not online, not by phone. It was like he took what he wanted from me, and when things got complicated, just like that, he was gone.”

Killian said nothing, putting his arm around her again and drawing her close. She rested her cheek against his chest and listened to the soothing sounds of the water.

“I guess, that dance. . . Neal left me broken. Somehow, I tapped into that pain today.”

Killian still didn’t let her go, and Emma felt herself go limp against him. She had never felt so safe in a man’s arms before. “Did he go to jail?” Killian asked.

“No,” Emma breathed out shakily, “I was so freaked out, it was weeks before I told Ingrid about the baby. By then, I had deleted my MySpace page. I just wanted to erase him from my life. Maybe his name wasn’t even Neal. Who knows?”

“But you didn’t let him stop you from dancing. You are so strong, Emma Swan.”

“And I have Henry,” she added, a wistful smile spreading across her face. “Being a dancer, and young, I was pretty far along before I knew about him. When I saw his little hands and feet on that ultrasound, I knew I could never give him up.”

“Does he know?”

Emma nodded. “I’ve always tried to be honest with him; explaining things as he was old enough to understand them. And he’s had a heck of an internet safety talk, believe me. Multiple times.”

“He’s a tough lad,” Killian said, “like his mother.”

Emma pulled away from Killian’s embrace, brushing at tendrils of hair that had stuck to her wet cheeks. “Ugh. I’m not acting so tough right now.”

“I disagree, Emma,” Killian told her, “I’ve never seen such strength.”

[purplesurveys]

1101

survey by -lastcall

has anyone ever told you they would never leave, and did? Yeah, I’ve definitely heard that before.

do you worry too often? Yup, about every small and big thing possible.

do you still speak with the person you fell hardest for? Not anymore. I don’t know if we still will; it’s very hard to picture her entirely out of my life considering how valuable I continue to find the friendship we shared and everything we went through. But she made a big decision, and the whole fallout is her choice; if she wishes to reconnect, she’s going to have to do it all by herself this time. I’m not expecting anything any time soon, but she is open to do so if she wants to.

when you get old, will you live in a nursing home? I’m personally open to it. Where I live, children traditionally take in their elderly parents into their homes when they’re no longer able to take care of themselves, but idk when it comes to my own future, I think I’ll be fine in one as long as the facilities are top-notch and the staff are caring.

do you wear any rings on a normal basis? I have not worn a ring in years.

do you like getting pictures taken, or are you the photographer? I like looking at photos and seeing people’s memories, lol. I’m a terrible photographer, and I’m awkward in front of the camera. That’s why I don’t have a lot of photos of myself in general.

who has seen you at your worst? Gabie.

what/who makes you laugh more than anything? These days it’s Cooper and watching 2 Days 1 Night. As for a person...can’t really think of anyone. Hans, maybe. Or Angela.

do you remember who you liked this time last year? Of course. One year isn’t too long a time.

what color is your alarm clock? I don’t have one; the alarm I use is built into my phone.

do you look older than your age? I look considerably younger and get ID’d all the time.

what color is your hair? have you ever colored it? It’s black, and no I’ve never had it dyed.

does your family put up christmas trees during the season? As in, during the holiday season? Yes we do, but only one tree lol.

what did you ask for, for christmas? I was a little modest in the gifts I asked for last year because 1) I was already earning my own money and didn’t see the point in asking for expensive gifts I could afford anyway, and 2) the pandemic. I just asked for Fruittella, a bag of my favorite bubblegum, a corkboard, and Post-Its.

what car do you drive/plan on driving? I currently have a Mitsubishi Mirage, but I would love to own a Mini.

when was the last time you were honestly surprised? Monday when I watched Edge win the Royal Rumble match. I’m totally not complaining; he got his career taken away from him a decade ago so I’m more than happy he’s been allowed to be in the ring again and pick up where he left off.

when it is your birthday, do you have parties? No. My last party was on my 7th birthday...I prefer having intimate celebrations with close friends.

do you remember what you were for halloween when you were 8? I probably went as a pirate or something similarly generic. Didn’t care too much for Halloween as a kid.

what should you be doing right now? I shouldn’t have this tab open because I should be at work, lmao.

do you consider yourself social, or total hermit crab? I can be both. Things like this aren’t black and white. I’m definitely craving social interactions these days, though.

where did you get the shirt you are wearing? I have no idea. I think my mom got it for me just cos she thought it looked nice.

is there a promise you would risk your life to keep? I don’t think so.

doesssssssss ittttt botherrrr youuuuuu whenn peopleee wriite likeee thisss? If done excessively, maybe. Every now and then, not really.

when was the last time you sneezed? Earlier when I brought Cooper to my room.

how long does it take for you to get ready in the morning? ‘Getting ready’ doesn’t really happen in the Covid era anymore...if anything, I usually wake up at around 6:30, and then I either fall back asleep or try to properly wake up until 8, which is when I have to get up to start work.

look to your right, what do you see? I can see Kimi on the floor, and my window.

will you save this survey to your profile? :) I always save my surveys on this blog; that is why I have this blog.

have you ever been in a hurricane? We call them typhoons over here, but yes; a lot of them too.

when was the last time you gave advice? Idk, it’s probably been a few weeks. These days I’m the one who’s been needing advice, but luckily my friends have been nothing but supportive.

do you tell other people what you honestly think about them? If it comes up, yeah. It rarely does though. Occasionally, my friends and I will also get to talking about our first impressions of one another, or reminisce about past disagreements within the group and what we actually thought of one another when the misunderstanding was taking place.

are you wearing socks? Nopes.

have you ever played dirty santa? No. I’m not sure what this is.

what do you do on christmas eve? do you visit family? We usually visit family, but who we visit differs per year. For 2020, we spent Christmas at my mom’s cousin and her family’s place.

do you catch yourself thinking about the past/present/future the most? These days, the present.

do you have annoying neighbors? I wouldn’t say so. The kids are very loud when they play outside and it can be distracting while I work, but they’re kids so it’s fine and it’s actually great they still play outside in the afternoon.

what was your high school mascot? We didn’t have one.

do you remember who you last slapped? Haven’t slapped anyone other than my brother, when he did the same to me first two years ago.

have you ever back talked your parents? Yeah, I mean I’m an adult with my own thoughts and opinions, so.

do you stand up for what you believe in? Yes.

does you dad still live with you? I live with him, not the other way around.

when is the last time you were actually frightened? Last December when I was walking Cooper and his leash suddenly snapped. 10-12 years ago, back when he was a baby, Kimi was impossible to chase around the neighborhood because he liked to run and he liked to run fast; so I got legit terrified that Cooper would be a pain in the ass to catch as well. To my relief, Cooper only pranced around the street and kept looking back at me as if he wanted me to notice how well-behaved he was, hahaha.

why was the reason you last bled? I had just scratched the skin on my knee too aggressively.

how many times do you blink a day? bahah, kidding. Good. Because I have no idea lmao.

do you wear makeup, everyday? Nope.

whats your name, anyways? Robyn.

[tialovestelevision]

Fear, Itself

Back over to Buffy, now, for another one-shot episode. These have habitually been where the series has hit both its biggest highs and its worst lows, though season finale arcs are the most reliably good content it produces. Hopefully, we’re heading for a high with this one. It’s a Halloween episode. That might help… the last one of those was wonderful. 1. Our Previously On is reminding us of the worst part of the most recent episode. That’s fun. 2. Oh, hey, commando guys. I could go for that plotline getting picked back up. 3. Pumpkin carving! Xander’s pumpkin is mocking him. And has self-loathing. 4. Oz made a spider. 5. Oz is also not scared of hippos in tutus, but Fantasia is scary. Night on Bald Mountain is great Halloween viewing. 6. Xander, not being in college, is out of the loop. He lied about having better things to do. 7. Buffy didn’t touch her pumpkin. Because she has had her guts ripped out and doesn’t want to inflict that on others. 8. Xander wants to smack Parker. For once, we are in agreement. Though I could also go for Angel-style photoexplosive defenestration. 9. Guy jumped out in front of Buffy in a demon mask and got punched. You shouldn’t do that in Sunnydale. You shouldn’t do that anywhere. 10. “Guest starring Kristine Sutherland.” 11. Insert complaint about them using “wicca” to describe the show’s fictional magic here. Insert it retroactively into every episode summary where they did this before. Insert it forward into every episode summary where they do it hereafter. I’m not a neopagan of any sort, so I don’t have a ton to say on the subject, but it’s not a great thing to do. 12. Willow is using college to experiment with magic. Oz is expressing concern but also being supportive. Parker is hanging out with girls in the dining hall. 13. Buffy can take a holiday from dealing with stuff. It’s Halloween. Nothing ever happens on Halloween. 14. Giles is in a racially insensitive costume. He thinks it’s festive. He cares about Halloween. He has an electronic dancing Frankenstein monster hanging from a rope. Buffy does not like his hat. 15. Giles is offering Buffy chocolate. She should take some. 16. The frat guys are setting up a haunted house. They need Oz’s help, because Halloween is about getting laid. Arbor Day is not about getting laid. 17. They’re also going to paint a mystical symbol upstairs. From an old book. Stupid frat boys. 18. Anya is visiting Xander. Xander accepts the words people say at face value, unless those words are a rejection, in which case he continues to pursue you or blackmails someone who will later become a rat to overwrite your free will. 19. Anya says that Xander has little in common with Willow and Buffy. She is right. 20. Anya and Xander have a date to the party. 21. Professor Walsh doesn’t have mercy. I’ve never seen a college professor threaten to drop a student for two unexcused absences. 22. Does Riley know that the things that go bump in the night don’t bump on Halloween? 23. Xander had a chance to defuse the plot of the episode. He got distracted by seduction grapes. 24. Now Oz cuts himself and drips blood into the magic circle. It brought a plastic spider to life. 25. Joyce is fixing Buffy’s Little Red Riding Hood hood. 26. I imagine Joyce avoids candy these days. 27. Buffy is full of sad because men are awful. 28. Joyce made no new friends their first year in Sunnydale. Then she met Pat. 29. Joyce says she will always be there for Buffy. I have no comment. 30. Now there’s people TPing campus. 31. Willow is a Crusader, and intends to axe murder Parker. 32. There is a lobster having a relationship fight with a present. 33. The eyeball grapes are eyeballs, now. Xander and Oz are bad at things. 34. Xander is James Bond. Buffy has weapons in her basket. Willow is Joan of Arc, apparently, because of that whole stake thing. 35. Oz is God. It says so on his nametag. 36. They just ran across the commando guys. Oz said they’re dressed as NATO 37. Party broke up because of the things that are happening. And I think someone died. 38. Nope. She’s still alive. 39. But someone else fell down the stairs and possibly died. A demon wants to be released. 40. “If I were Abbott and Costello, this would be fairly traumatic.” 41. There is an actual spider on Willow. But it’s a tarantula. They aren’t terribly dangerous. 42. Buffy found actual blood. And they all found bats. All kinds of bats. 43. The bats vanished. One of them turned to rubber. 44. Demon really wants to get released. 44. Anya is a bunny! 45. Bunny Anya can’t find the door. 46. And now the windows are going away. Anya does not like this. 47. Xander has turned invisible and inaudible, or something. The pop-out skeleton is alive now and has a knife. 48. Buffy killed the skeleton. She got a little cut. Nobody can perceive Xander still. 49. That was not the best comeback, Willow. 50. Now the house has split the party. 51. And Oz is starting to shift. Slowly. This is a very bad thing. 52. He scratched Willow. Now Willow is alone. 53. Oh, look. The evil face can see Xander. He can hang out with the evil face. 54. Willow summoned a light. She wants to find Oz, but indecision has got her surrounded by glowy bug things that hate her indecision. 55. Now Buffy falls into a basement. There’s sand and graves. 56. Frat boy has a broken neck and is beating on Buffy’s self esteem. And summoning death hands. 57. “We’re going to have to create a door.” “Create a door? You can do that?” “I can.” Chainsaw. 58. Are those hellhounds chasing Buffy? 59. Not hellhounds. And she got away. She’s upstairs. 60. Everyone is terrified. Things really have come apart. And everyone is hallucinating, apparently, because what was happening to them isn’t any more. 61. Oh, look, they found the mark and the book.The demon is Gachnar. 62. Giles is here, with a chainsaw. And Anya too. This is helpful. Except he reads aloud and stops talking when someone does something ill-advised. Now Buffy’s summoned Gachnar. 63. Who is about four inches tall. 64. “Xander, don’t taunt the fear demon.” “Why? Can he hurt me?” “No. It’s just tacky.” 65. Buffy squished Gachnar. 66. Buffy is having chocolate. As she should. 67. Anya is scared of bunnies. 68. The picture of Gachnar in the book was at actual size. Overall: Was having the demon be tiny part of the original idea for the episode and they threw in all the terror and death and general mayhem to build to that moment, or was it a way out without going over their allotted time for the episode? Either way, it worked, though it’s a little strange to be giggling madly at a being that managed to murder at least one person and horribly traumatize dozens of others. I enjoyed that. It was a horror episode with a comedy climax, and was oddly satisfying. I think I’m done with TV blogging for the night. I’m seriously not looking forward to the next episode of Angel.

[perksofbeingamaineiac]

January 23, 2017

Things are going to change. I fear for the worst. 

Keirstin and Daryl broke up. Which means anything planned has to be without one. It isn’t like we do much anyways. If they want Tyler to go to Western or to party with them, no girl there and I won’t be invited either. Not like I was before, but at least there was a chance. I didn’t expect Keirstin to tell me either, I just thought we had made enough progress that I would have been notified eventually. I feel like I was there for her every other time she needed someone to talk to because Daryl was hurting her. When she isn’t at Western she calls me. When she is at Western she has other friends. I didn’t see her for Christmas, I planned to, but after hearing what Jody had to say I had no reason to. Now all of Tyler’s friends are single and they’re going to do single things and expect Tyler to join them. I am going to have to find a way to be okay with it. I am actually terrified.  Me and Tyler hung out with Celine today. It made me realize something, I said that if we want to do Cyprus this year that we have to book soon. She said she doesn’t want to go because she has seen it before. I think she doesn’t want to go because not everyone is together. When everyone was together everyone is excited to do something. We used to be a family and Celine even called it that today even though its dead. I wish she would understand that. She is holding onto it and trying to please everyone. It just isn’t like that. No one cares for one another, and she saw if first hand who has her back and she still calls everyone else her family. It pissed me off that these shitty people have better friendships than I do. I try so hard to make people happy and fight so hard for whats right and I am still lonely and unappreciated. Maybe I am the shitty one, its the only way anything makes sense. I know I haven’t been 100% recently, not even 50% to be honest, but thats because I am tired of giving myself. I am tired of being used and getting hurt and not being apart of things. If I am going to be alone its going to be under my terms. No one else’s. 

I really want to see Nicole, but we are both so busy. I am the only one at work that has two shifts this week, which kind of makes me happy. I am so tired though. I am scared I am going to fall behind in school. I have a new goal of becoming a teacher, but I don’t know how possible it is. I learned the alphabet in sign language, which I am very proud of. I talked to Steven about what happened with Tyler on the trip and how I feel in general. Why I think I am reacting so badly to everything. He said  I need to try harder to make Tyler happy because that is what a relationship is about, working with the other person. Tyler tries hard to make me happy and he deserves the same back. Even if I am tired and think I should just sit back and take it for a while. Something Steven said stuck with me because I feel a lot more, like I said I am getting better everyday, but I reached something sexually. I am horny and we did have sex. I was in the mood, just wasn’t that great because I was on my period. I have been masterbating every night trying to hold onto this horniness because I don’t want it to go away. I think I may just be horny because I am on my period, but that end today so hopefully it stays.  I got my Skis back from Sport Chek. Now I have to wait for it to snow and someone to teach me. I am peeling from vacation and am sad about it. 

I have been getting Tyler to take me to the gym. Three days in a row and I feel good. I have been trying to eat healthier and it is a work in progress, but it is coming along. I am taking pictures of Tyler for his new fitness Instagram page tomorrow. Going to borrow a 50mm lens from Raushawn. I hope it goes well. I told Tyler to ask Matt if it was okay that I come in and take pictures and that lead to an argument because Tyler didn’t see the need. Hopefully he will ask anyways. 

I redecorated Phoenix’s cage. I added live kale plants and a new hammock that is pretty big but it looks really cool. Her cage would look better i with sand, but the newspaper is the safest option and easiest to clean. I re-arranged Jinx’s cage and added a fake leaf plant. I want to add more for him to climb and hide under. I want to add maybe another piece of driftwood to Phoenix’s cage too and give her some more climbing and basking space. I have been wanting to change their cages forever and I am finally getting around to it. 

Pre-ordered the Maine’s CD and got a pre-sale code. Nicole agreed to go to the concert with me as tickets are inexpensive. Which is great I get to spend time with her and get to enjoy good music. She is also such an amazing sport at trying out new things. Once I get the CD I am going to make sure she listens to it with me so at least she knows some of the songs and in the meantime I will get her listening to some older stuff. Maybe I will let her borrow my Forever Halloween vinyl because I know she will find that awesome. I am very excited about it. 

Also I am noticing Tumblr isn’t what it used to be, which makes me sad. I went onto formally known tumblrplug, now known as blogplug to promote my blog as its been a while and its a great way to find new blogs and meet new people. Its basically dead. The lists used to be twice as long, twice as many people playing the prom game. Tumblr used to be a tight knit community of people who were misunderstood, but tried to understand one another. They stood by one another and helped one another. Now it is a bunch of people who are self absorbed and only care about themselves. I have had Tumblr for over five years and I have seen it change. I don’t like it. 

Deep Breaths. Hopefully things will be fine. 

[katiescarlettx0]

The Obligated 25 Things About Me That No One Cares About

Bonus Fact: The angrier I get, the more my Staten Island accent comes out.

So every blogs I have ever encountered has had a "Random Facts About Me" post, so I figured I should probably include one as well. I want anyone who takes the time out to read this blog to feel like they know me a bit better. I want to be more than just words to you. Let's get started, shall we?

1. My favorite animal is a Manatee. They've been my favorite since I was in elementary school (I believe I was in 3rd grade actually) when I did a project on them. For my 9th birthday, my parents adopted a manatee in my name, which is one of the coolest gifts I've gotten so far. They're just precious and I'm hoping one day I have the opportunity to get up close to one in Florida since that is an attraction there. I guess we shall see.

2. One of my favorite things to do is go watch airplanes. I know it sounds super strange but it reminds me of traveling which you'll read about later on in this post. It's been one of my favorite things to do for years. I would drive about twenty minutes into New Jersey with either my boyfriend at the time, my cousin or my friend and some Dunkin. We would park in a parking lot right across from the airport and just sit in the car with the windows down, watching the plans land and take off while having these talks about life. My favorite time of the year to do it was winter cause we'd bring blankets with us and had the cool air coming into the car and just bury ourselves in the blankets, life talking and plane watching. I can't even explain how peaceful it is. It's something you have to experience and it's something I really need to start doing again.

3. I'm obsessed with tea. I always liked tea, but when I cut down on coffee, I found an even deeper love for tea. Lavender tea is my favorite.

4. I’m also obsessed with candles. Some people would say I own too many candles. That’s a myth, because there’s no such thing as owning too many. I currently have my favorite one lit as I type this--Blue Lavender from Target.

5. My taste in music ranges from pop to rock to country to everything in between. I'm not even kidding. My Spotify playlist is over 3,000 songs. Some of my favorites include Led Zeppelin, The Doors, Pink Floyd, Billy Joel, Toby Keith, Simple Plan, Taking Back Sunday, Mac Miller and Halsey. That just shows how varied my taste in music is. Even though I definitely have a soft spot for classic rock, clearly.

6. My happy place is the boardwalk. It makes me extra happy to go at night. It's so calming to have the ocean breeze and the sound of waves. It's even nicer to have the moon out shining on the water. I have had some of the best life talks there with a number of different people. I've also had some of the hardest life talks there. It's a place filled with many different emotions and memories for me, but it's a place I absolutely adore and think I always will.

7. I love my Jeep more that I thought I ever would. I wanted a Jeep for the longest time and finally got one. Even though it’s been a major pain in my ass recently, I still love it. I named her Maggie McGill after the song by The Doors.

8. My make-up obsession is at a different level. I seriously can't even begin to tell you how intense it is. I am a Diamond member at Ulta. My make up collection is worth thousands of dollars. I even won a meet and greet with Queen Jeffree Star at the Morphe store opening. Make up makes me so happy.

9. I have a love-hate relationship with horror movies. I love watching them. But at the same time, I'm terrified. Horror movies have been a bonding experience for my cousin and I, which is also why I love them. There are horror movies that have scared me so much that I've been brought to tears (I'm talking about you Pennywise). There are horror movies that scared me so much that I stayed up all night (7th grade me VS. Jason). But at the same time there's something fun about getting scared hence why I keep torturing myself with them. My favorite one is a tie between Halloween and The Shining. The ones that have fully traumatized me is It and Hereditary. Both scared me to tears. However, I am always down for a good movie night, especially when it comes to horror movies.

10. I used to have every line of Scarface memorized. There was one point in my life where I watched the movie so many times I was able to recite it. Like you could have asked for a certain scene and I was able to go full into it. That was probably one of the coolest things I was ever able to do mixed with the strangest things I was able to do. Not gonna lie, it's something that I wish I was still able to do.

11. I always buy pajamas from Target no matter what. I love their pajamas. I love pajamas in general, but I shop at Target more than any other place. I can go to Target to pick up something as simple as a phone charger and I'll leave with pajamas. I do my food shopping at Target and leave with pajamas. I'm the sleepiest girl you will ever encounter therefore I must have the perfect pajamas at all times. It makes no sense though cause my go to sleepwear would be a t-shirt, but whatever.

12. I've worn glasses since I was three. I have something with my eyes where the muscle in one eye is stronger than the other and therefore "pulls" one of my eyes. I know there's an actual medical term for it but I'm honestly not sure what it is. I've worn glasses to help with that as well as with my vision since I was three years old. I know a lot of people don't like their glasses or rather wear contacts but I truly like wearing glasses. Plus it helps that my uncle owns an eyeglass store and always hooks me up with awesome glasses. I feel like they're just apart of me at this point.

13. My first time on a plane was when I was 23. As a child, all of my vacations were places we could drive to. At 23, I decided since I was single and ready to live life, I was going to go on a place. First flight I ever took was to Vegas and I absolutely love it. I actually really like flying. I was nervous at first, but now I can't get enough of it.

14. I hate needles but absolutely love getting tattoos. If and when I have to go for blood work, I get so anxious that I actually cry. Imagine me, almost thirty, crying because of needles. What a stupid sight. However, take me to get a tattoo and I'll sit there watching the entire tattoo be inked onto my skin. I currently have six tattoos and have more planned. Plus I love seeing tattoos others get. Let's talk about tattoos anytime because it's honestly one of my favorite things to talk about.

15. One of the coolest things I've ever experienced was walking the Skywalk at the Grand Canyon. There are no words to describe the view. If you aren't sure what the Skywalk is, it's basically a glass floor that extends out into the Grand Canyon, so you can see it below you and also walk a bit out into it. I honestly thought I was gonna be terrified, but I was the opposite. I was absolute amazed. The cool thing is, they don't let you bring anything out there with you. You have to lock your bags and cell phones and cameras in lockers. I know some people would complain about that, but it's not about getting the perfect snap or that perfect Instagram picture. It's about taking a moment to take in the beauty in front of you. Honestly, a picture wouldn't even do the actual view justice. Everyone gets too caught up in the social media scene that they forget to enjoy the beauty right in front of their face, which is why it's awesome that they make you lock everything up. If you get the opportunity, I highly recommend you do this.

16. I love doing laundry from start to finish. It's literally one of my favorite things to do. I have no idea why. I also know that it's probably not normal, but I'm gonna make someone very happy someday when I'm happily folding their laundry.

17. I love guy's cologne. Seriously, it's my favorite smell on the planet. Guys who smell good are a blessing. My favorite cologne is a Prada one that's in a silver bottle. I honestly have no idea what the name of it is. One of my old co-workers used to wear it and it put me in a good mood almost immediately. There are other ones out there that I like but the Prada one is the best thus far.

18. My favorite physical thing about myself are my eyes. I love the color blue that they are. It's honestly the one part of me that I haven't had the urge to change.

19. The sassy girl emoji and the face palm emoji are my favorite emojis. They're both me in emoji form. And while I do love the eyeroll emoji, I have a new found dislike for it as well.

20. My hair is naturally curly. It's like out of control curly. It's nice sometimes but it's also super difficult to control. When it's humid out, there's no controlling it. It's a struggle.

21. I have a love for the moon. The moon reminds me of my mother because since I had my first AIM account (tbt) her icon has always been the moon. I even have the moon tattooed on me. Clearly, I'm all about it.

22. I spend way more money on perfecting my bed than the average person should. I'm always buying pillows and new sheet sets and blankets. It's ridiculous honestly, but I love my bed and because I love sleeping so much, I feel like I deserve to have nice things for sleep. Treat yo self goes into full effect when it comes to buying things for my bed.

23. I am absolutely obsessed with traveling and want to travel everywhere. I have a travel bucket list because I wanna keep track of all the places I want to go and things I want to see. Some of the biggest ones on my bucket list are St. Maarten and Ireland. I love hearing about places people have been to and their experiences so feel free to share your stories.

24. My favorite color is Lavender. I feel like I had to throw this one in there cause everyone throws it in when telling others about themselves, so here.

25. I have anxiety. There are going to be plenty of posts about my every day living with anxiety, but I do want to throw this in here. For the longest time, I was ashamed to even mention it. I worked to hide it, which ended up giving me more anxiety! So I guess I felt the need to share this because it’s nothing to be ashamed about. You go to the doctor when you have an ear infection, nothing wrong for caring for your mental health if it’s not well either!

And that's it for now.

I know this post is basic but then again, sometimes we need to include the generic posts to connect, right?

[actuallynotsatisfied]

Hello world! (Day 1)

I’m new here. Recently I feel like I’m not really in control of my life anymore and everything I do seems to go wrong. So I figured starting a blog could actually help me a lot, you know, like in the movies, haha.

I’ll start by introducing myself: I’m 18 years old and currently live in Germany. I’m 170cm tall and weigh about 64kg. I have brown hair, green eyes and kind of a big nose. At least that’s what my Mom once told me as I was casually chatting with her. :D Oh, and I’m gay! That’ll be important if you’ll follow my blog in the future. I’ll keep my name and stuff anonymous as of now, since I feel like it’s better for me. But who knows, maybe one day that’ll change?

This is the first time I use Tumblr in a proper way. I’ve had many accounts on here before, though. They were primarily to watch funny things or porn so an actual “unproper” way, haha. But I think that I finally found a good use for this site now. 

I’ve had depression before and was in therapy. I never cut myself or tried to commit suicide, but I was thinking about it. Anyway, therapy was kinda successful and I felt a lot better. However it seems that that was only temporary, as I feel like shit at the moment. I thought about calling my old therapist again to make an appointment, and I know I should to that, but it just feels wrong because she used to tell me I was making great steps towards recovery. So calling her again would kind of fell like a disappointment (Not that I’m not used to disappointing people by now).

Since I wrote so much already and I don’t want to bore anyone with my rather boring life, I’ll try to talk about my problems in short now. :)

It all started on the 21st of October. I was working at an amusement park and there was this Halloween event where the park was open until 10pm. And during my work shift I “met” someone. Twice actually. First time was in the middle of the day. I was standing there at the grill, making burgers and I looked into the line at the checkout-thingy (you know, where you pay for the stuff you just ordered) and there was this cute guy, staring at me. And he just wouldn’t look away. Once he left I told my friend about it who was working with me in that burger store. She said, that I probably just imagined that. And I figured that she must’ve been right. However, later in there evening, just before the park was supposed to close, that guy (and his family) came back to the store I was working in and ordered a meal. I again saw him staring at me and this time, after they got their food, they sat down at a table next to our store. At first I didn’t recognize him, but his staring along with me remembering his sister lead to me to the idea, that that could’ve been the exact same guy from a couple hours ago. I was talking to my friend and she said that this was my chance. I didn’t know what to do. And so I did the most cliché thing I could think of: Writing my phone number on a piece of paper and handing it to him alongside a cup of coke. Well except I didn’t do it but gave the paper and the coke to my friend instead so she could walk up to him as I was just to scared and terrified. Looking back that was a mistake but it didn’t really matter because he sent me a message on the next day. I was so happy but still scared and excited. This was the first time I’ve ever done something like that. I didn’t even know anything about his sexuality.

(You have to know, I never really had a relationship. I never kissed someone, I’ve never had sex. There was this one time I had a long-distance “relationship” with a guy from England but that didn’t really work out and I don’t really want to call that a relationship. I never really searched for love in “real life” as I was just not confident enough about myself. That kind of changed during my therapy. I’m still not as confident about me and my body as I’d like to be, but I’m definitely ready for a “normal” relationship.)

Anyways, we were chatting for a bit, we added eachother on snapchat and then I asked him out on a date. That date went okay, considering it was my first one (and his first one too if I’m not mistaken).  We didn’t talk as much as we should have. He was shy and insecure so he wasn’t really able to hold up the conversation. But I tried everything for the date not to be a disaster and I did an okay job considering I’m actually just as shy. On the date, we took a walk in the park and then went to get pizza. At the end I asked him if he liked it and if he’d like to meet me again sometime and he said yes. His bus arrived, he looked me in the eyes and asked “Do you hug after these kind of things?” and before I could even answer, he hugged me. At this moment, I really felt appreciated again for a long time. One week passed and I asked him if he would like to go to the movies with me and he agreed. But before that date, we actually met each other in the hospital. He’s working there and I was visiting my mother who’ve had foot problems. Anyway, I was standing in front of the cafeteria, talking to an old friend when suddenly he interrupted me from the side and asked if I wanted to join him on his break. Of course I said yes. And that “second date” went a bit better than the first one. We still didn’t talk as much as I would’ve liked to but I realized that I really like his humor. It’s actually quite similar to mine (even though it seems like he has not noticed this yet. unfortunately.). Anyway, our official second date was drawing near but the evening before he texted me that he’d like to postpone it as he wanted to get a haircut first and he just feels like there was not enough time between work, going to the barber and meeting me at the cinema. I was a bit angry and sad. I asked him to tell me when he has time to meet me, because he just wanted to “postpone” it, but he never did. One week later I texted him, asking if everything was alright between us and if he was still interested in me. He replied that this was his first time writing with a boy “like this” and that it’s all new to him. I was relieved and wrote him an endless long text, saying how I was feeling neglected. I also opened up to him about not having any relationship experience because I figured that that might lead to him opening up as well. His reply was actually disappointing. He didn’t talk about everything I was writing about and simply responded, that he’d like to take very slow steps as he’d be “sad too, if this didn’t work out”. This was the point I realized: I don’t get him. I wasn’t going to fast, he confirmed that. He didn’t even knew himself what he meant by “very slow steps” and in the coming days I learned, that “slow steps” would actually mean “no steps”. I recommended not asking him out anymore and that he should ask me the next time because that way I would knew he’s ready. That turned out to be a big mistake. He never asked me out until now. I decided to talk to him again about everything. This is the beginning of the conversation:

Me: “Hey. I wanted to know what’s happening between us” Him: “I don’t know“ Me: “That’s not good. I think you should actually figure out by now what exactly you want” Him: “I know but this just feels so ‘wrong’ but also not if you know what I mean”

This was a shock to me. I’ll be honest, I WANTED to hear something else. Something like “I want to meet you again” or so. However he just told me that he can’t explain what he’s meaning as he doesn’t know himself. I told him that of course I was picturing a relationship at the end of everything because at the end, that’s what “dating” is for (even though we didn’t and don’t really do that anymore). This was the first time I cried over him. This made me realize: I care. About him. I can’t say I love him, but I definitely have a crush on him. And that sucks. 

So now I’m here. Today. We don’t really write over WhatsApp anymore because according to him, he never really uses it. So we basically only talk about snapchat. And that’s weird because using Snapchat, you can’t really have a serious, interesting talk. Also: He always replies super late. On WhatsApp as well as on Snapchat. I get that he does that on WhatsApp if he barely uses it but I don’t get why he doesn’t answer on Snapchat. I know he’s using it. I see it on the Snapchat map. It feels like he’s avoiding me and that hurts. The thing is: I don’t get him. While sometimes I have this feeling he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore because he never replies, other times he “talks” to me more, making me feel like he cares at least a bit. 

And yesterday something weird happened on Snapchat. I always send him Selfies or something like that but everything I used to get from him were pics of walls or floors with a bit of text. But yesterday? He was sending selfies too. It felt like he was opening up to me, like he feels a bit more comfortable. But I don’t know because well, I don’t get him. Right now for example. I know I shouldn’t be stalking - Wow. I actually just wanted to write that he has not responded to my snap in hours and in this very moment I got a snap. - I just replied. Let’s see how long it takes for him to reply.

Anyway, last time we talked using WhatsApp, I asked him a couple questions and gave him time until the end of this week to think about them and then answer me - he just replied - tomorrow is friday and I’ll use WhatsApp to ask him if he already thought about them or needs more time. Because honestly? I need answers sooner or later. 

I’m meeting up with my friends tomorrow evening to make and eat burgers. It’s the first time actually that I’m doing anything with them since they became my friends after I switched to this school (college) 1.5 years ago.

Wow. This text got out of control. Didn’t mean for it to get THAT long. Well at least you’re informed now. I’m going to prepare some stuff for school now and then go to sleep. I’ll probably write another entry tomorrow. But I’m not promising anything :P Have a nice day. :)

[thepeanutymermaid]

Reflections on 32

This year marks the end of my 32nd trip around the sun. What can I say about it? This trip has definitely been a roller coaster ride. I was born into a country where I enjoy many freedoms that I take for granted everyday. I have seen and done things that most people will NEVER be able to see or do in their lifetimes. I have traveled to different countries, and tasted exotic foods that some people can only dream about. I owned my own home by the time I was 20 (with the help of my very wonderful husband). I tripped and fell into a job that I love and wants me to succeed so much that they will even pay for my degree. I have a pretty dysfunctional family that I love even though they are crazy. I have friends that love me despite my flaws, and I them. Through all this, life tossed out some crazy curves containing loss and death. Most people my age have not experienced death on the same scale I have. Usually by age 32 you’ve lost grandparents and great uncles but death has still left you fairly unscathed. Not to say that the death of grandparents and great uncles are not horrible losses of course..

I have learned so many lessons about life and love in my 32 years. I have discovered things about myself that I am not proud of, and learned how to love myself anyway. I have paid thousands of dollars in therapy to learn to love people for who they are and not to put so many expectations on others. I have had faith and lost it. I have had friends and lost them. I have had dreams and lost them. I have had plans and changed them. I have finally learned the lesson that my grandmother tried so hard to teach me when I was a stupid teenager. 

Life is hard. Life is short. 

So what else have I learned about myself and my life in 32 years?

I’m a cat person. 100%.

Halloween is the BEST holiday.

After age 30, I’m too old to “rough it”. Toss the tents and rent a hotel. 

I like my coffee with cream, and without sugar. 

Cigarettes... GOD I miss cigarettes.

I am loud and obnoxious and I can’t stop myself!

I want to be thin... but I have ZERO motivation to do so.

I hate being a homeowner. 

I’m not afraid of hurricanes, but I’m terrified of tornadoes. 

I am a mermaid.

I have zero desire to be a mother, and I’m not really a fan of children. 

I want to live in California one day. 

I might be one of those “Disney People”. 

I hate Texas. 

Adulting is better with booze. 

Anxiety sucks. 

Sitting around a bonfire laughing with my best friend is the best medicine. 

Dentists aren’t that bad after all..

I try, but I’m a terrible listener.

My photographs are the only possession that matters. 

I am naive to lies when they come from people I love. 

The Bostonian accent is the sexiest. 

Don’t bother throwing your gum away in a proper trash receptacle. I have never thrown my gum on the street, yet I am constantly stepping in it. Or getting it stuck to my car.. or in my car... or on my ass from a toilet seat (true story). 

I’m sensitive AF.

I can learn to like any song if I hear it enough (but don’t tell my best friend that). 

Football is the only sport that matters. 

I think I would have enjoyed cocaine had I ever tried it. 

My first love will always be in my heart. 

I’m addicted to my cell phone. I’m not proud of it. 

Having OCD, ADD, and GAD is not a good combination, but it’s better than being bipolar!

LGBT+ rights are HUMAN rights. 

Being morbid is actually more normal than you think.

Hot tubs will make you drunker.. faster. 

Politics are boring. 

Don’t tell me where you buried the bodies. All a police office will have to do is look at me and I will rat you out so fast.

I hate clubbing. Give me a good dive bar and a karaoke list. 

I am straight, but only like 80/20.

I talk about poop at inappropriate times. 

Pinterest is just a place to OCD all over the internet. My boards are straight up perfection. 

Catered events make me nervous. I always need to be at the front of that buffet line in case they run out of that chicken ala deliciousness. 

I have carpophobia. It’s weird. Look it up. 

I have zero patience. 

If I cry after 5pm, I wake up looking like a bubble eye goldfish the next morning. 

Tattoos are addicting, and I need MORE!

Ever since texting became a thing, I have zero tolerance for people calling me. 

I should have experimented with my hair when I was younger.  

I always admit when the fart is mine. Then no one will blame you for ones that really aren’t yours!

I can remember anything if I learn it in a song. Countries, state capitals, bones, presidents... 

I can be creative when I’m using a computer only. Actual arts & crafts? Nope.

Backstreet Boys, *Nsync, Brittany were “lame” when I was in middle school, but now they are AWESOME. 

White chocolate is unnatural. 

I get kind of crazy when people interrupt my shows without letting me pause it first. Same with songs. 

Don’t play games with people. Just be straight forward and watch how much time you save. 

Drinking a shit ton of alcohol, acting like an ass, and passing out on the toilet is NOT cool. Enjoying a few glasses of wine and getting up the next day feeling great IS cool. *I’ve learned this but I forget it sometimes* 

Don’t procrastinate. Get the important stuff out of the way and THEN slack off. 

No one wants to see your old photos. No one. But I’m STILL going to make you look at them!

Making friends in your 30′s is a lot like dating. Do they like me? Should I wait to call them? What if they don’t like my shirt? 

Breathing techniques are bullshit.

It’s ok to schedule sex with your partner. It actually shows that you are making time for them, and that they are a priority. 

I would rather buy a brand new house then EVER go through another remodel. 

People that thought you were lame in high school don’t give a fuck how cool you are now. Let it go. 

Christmas as an adult sucks. Why do I have to spend my money on other people?! 

I learn by watching, not by reading. 

I’m terrified of drowning inside a vehicle. 

When I lived overseas, I should have traveled more. 

Friendships that you thought would last forever WILL die.

Tailgating is much more fun as a responsible adult. I actually plan and prepare food, tables, napkins... When I was younger, I was usually too hungover from the night before to get prepared for anything. We had chairs and beers. 

I’m fascinated by serial killers. 

I need to take TONS of pictures! Pictures of people, houses, pets, vacation... In this digital age they barely even take up any space. 

I like my men tall and emaciated like heroin addicts. Eye liner is always a plus. 

I’m a super fan girl. It’s embarrassing. 

My brain literally is made up of useless song lyrics. 

Clothes and shoes might not always fit me, but purses always will. 

I cannot just “like something”. I have to obsess over it and tattoo it on my body.

I have only enough confidence in myself to write a blog that strangers can see, but not actual acquaintances or friends. 

No matter how crazy Mariah Carey gets, she will “always be my baby”.

The beach is the only place that I can turn my brain off.

I want to be liked. It KILLS me when people don’t like me.

Be the crazy camera lady.

Laughing at myself makes life easier. 

Your parents do/did all the things they have told you not to. 

If you like something and others think it’s lame.. fuck ‘em. 

I hate school. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. 

I don’t like suspense movies. They make me too anxious. 

Blood does not make you family. Love does. 

There is ALWAYS going to be someone out there with the same crazy as me!

I’m sick of having insight into my flaws, because then I am always expected to change and no one else is. 

No one cares if you shop at Wal-Mart. Save that money you thrifty devil you!

I can’t pick favorites. Movies, songs, actors, foods.... nothing. 

Inanimate objects DO have feelings, and should be named whenever possible. 

Live music and theater are some of the best ways to spend the day. 

Pay the extra for someone else to do things for you, Life is too short to waste it on things you hate doing. 

When on a cruise (or other vacations) , there is no shame in drinking mimosas at 7 am. 

DO NOT WORK RETAIL. 

Never Facebook live while intoxicated. 

Do not waste time on internet trolls. 

And last but certainly not least:  Always be good to your bartenders. 

Now obviously none of this is meant to be  advice for anyone. They are just things I have learned about myself or my own “words to live by”. Some people love roughing it, and may hate the theater. Some people love school and can find fulfilling lives in retail. That’s fine! It’s YOUR life. Live it YOUR way.

additions:

Semi-permanent hair dye in midnight amethyst may sounds like a good idea at the time, but it is not to be trusted. 

[ryuu-03-blog]

all of them for the ask meme u have no right to refuse just DO IT

words cannot describe how much i hate you right now but also i have nothing to do and insomnia’s eating my ass so

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? 

soundcloud tbh

is your room messy or clean?

messy always i throw everything on the floor

what color are your eyes?

body’s eyes are blueish-green sorta more green

do you like your name? why?

yes bc it suits me

what is your relationship status?

winks

nah i have a df

describe your personality in 3 words or less

fucking edgy twerp

what color hair do you have?

all

what kind of car do you drive? color?

i dont drive

where do you shop?

the store

how would you describe your style?

emo

favorite social media account

do you mean personality bc idk man

what size bed do you have?

idk?????

any siblings?

ye

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why?

hell because i belong

favorite snapchat filter?

begone thot

favorite makeup brand(s)

i dont wear makeup

how many times a week do you shower?

at least twice, once every two days

favorite tv show?

fraiser

shoe size?

fuck

how tall are you?

body’s 5′6 or 5′7, i’m 5′8

sandals or sneakers?

depends on the occasion

do you go to the gym?

nope

describe your dream date

tfw ur aromantic

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment?

death

what color socks are you wearing?

one’s white and another one’s halloween coloured, i almost never wear matching socks

how many pillows do you sleep with?

what kind of kink is this

do you have a job? what do you do?

hehe

how many friends do you have?

friends? i dont know her (actually i have at least 2)

whats the worst thing you have ever done?

breathe

whats your favorite candle scent?

all of them i fucking love scented candles

3 favorite boy names

ummmmm fuck i forgot uh

rigel, noel, dennis

3 favorite girl names

cecilia, elise, susan

favorite actor?

idk man i mean konoha was cool but i like kuroha (aka the snake) much more but he doesnt count

favorite actress?

mary (this one and the kuroha thing are jokes pls)

who is your celebrity crush?

i.........................?

favorite movie?

private buckaroo but its more of a military ad than a movie

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book?

i fucking love animal farm

money or brains?

what.......

do you have a nickname? what is it?

lawnmower (i have a friend that calls me mokou for some reason though)

how many times have you been to the hospital?

idk

top 10 favorite songs

明日顔たちか is my absolute favourite (i think 市丸 sang it first?)

laisse tomber les filles which was first sung by france gall

uhhhh the vast majority of ghostie-p era songs

do you take any medications daily?

vitamins because i am lowkey malnourished

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc)

dry

what is your biggest fear?

idk man

how many kids do you want?

i already care for a child (that child being my host) but i’m not much of a children person...though sometimes i think it’d be nice to be a parent (again aside the fact i already care for a child)

whats your go to hair style?

depression + shitty bangs/fringe

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc)

big probably

who is your role model?

i love my boss but i dont really have a role model per se

what was the last compliment you received?

someone i really love called me cute and while i know im not cute i just ❤❤❤❤❤❤ ily

what was the last text you sent?

“gn” to my host’s dad

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real?

idk

what is your dream car?

im actually terrified of driving

opinion on smoking?

i smoke so dont ask me lmfao (if you don’t smoke now, please don’t start)

do you go to college?

no for i am stuck in a child’s body and want out. this is hell

what is your dream job?

death

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs?

i live in the suburbs now and i like it

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels?

i want to

do you have freckles?

host does

do you smile for pictures?

i avoid having my photo taken

how many pictures do you have on your phone?

at least 2 000

have you ever peed in the woods?

no

do you still watch cartoons?

cartoons are one of the few things that entertain me

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds?

i prefer mcdonalds chicken nuggets but wendys fries so i go to one or the other depending how hungry i am

Favorite dipping sauce?

barbecue

what do you wear to bed?

shorts + either no shirt or a shirt (sleeping shirtless is more comfy for some reason)

have you ever won a spelling bee?

NO but i was a semi-finalist in a geography bee

what are your hobbies?

i draw and compose and i’m slowly learning vocaloid shit

can you draw?

see above

do you play an instrument?

i can sort of play the piano and know how to play a ukulele

what was the last concert you saw?

i barely go outside do you expect me to go to concerts

tea or coffee?

hot chocolate fuck you

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts?

starbucks because i’ve never tried dunkin doughnuts (i’m sure it’s good)

do you want to get married?

tfw.......tfw u are

what is your crush’s first and last initial?

ehehehehehe you’re not getting that info out of me

are you going to change your last name when you get married?

maybe i still havent decided its been months

what color looks best on you?

black like my soul //s

do you miss anyone right now?

HEEHUH yeah

do you sleep with your door open or closed?

closed, but i used to sleep with it open

do you believe in ghosts?

what is your biggest pet peeve?

people who chew with their mouth open bother the shit out of me

last person you called?

the police

favorite ice cream flavor?

chocolate fudge brownie (ben & jerry’s)

regular oreos or golden oreos?

who the fuck eats golden oreos i am team regular oreos

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles?

both they both taste like chocolate

what shirt are you wearing?

are we sexting now

what is your phone background?

some really gay art of me and my df smooching (i fucking love them i’d @ them but they dont have a tumblr blog)

are you outgoing or shy?

shy but also outgoing

do you like it when people play with your hair?

that’s one of my biggest turn ons (even in a nonsexual sense)

do you like your neighbors?

i don’t know them that well

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning?

i have never washed my face but i should

have you ever been high?

yes i loved it

have you ever been drunk?

yes i loved it even when i woke up next to my mortal fucking enemy

last thing you ate?

a chocolate doughnut (my meals today consisted of a piece of bacon and like 5 doughuts)

favorite lyrics right now

さあ、そこのねじを巻いて

綺麗な蓋を開けば

ほらごらん、紡ぎ出すよ

心地よく甘美な毒を

summer or winter?

winter whoever likes summer concerns me

day or night?

night

dark, milk, or white chocolate?

milk

favorite month?

idk

what is your zodiac sign

who was the last person you cried in front of?

my pal doppo

[slendermanlore]

Just Another Fool + “Similar Situations”

While I’m on a roll of compiling vintage ARG player comments, here’s a post for the blog that integrated them the most.

August 7, 2009, Dav Flamerock comments:

Hey dude, that looks really familiar and seems to be corresponding with some research I’m doing on the myth of Slender Man. Have you ever heard of him? I have a few other case studies which I can point you to, if you like, which I’m using in my research, but if you wouldn’t mind I’d like to keep an eye on your blog and on Matt’s journal as a possible–nay, probable–source for my research. If you must contact me, the email supplied with this reply should suffice.

Thank you for your time,

~Dav Flamerock

Miskatonic University

August 7, 2009, Logan responds:

Dav,

I apologize in advance, as I don’t think you’ll find much mythy stuff here. Slender man sounds oddly familiar, although I can’t say I know what a slender man is. I’m currently out and about but I’ll check something when I get home later tonight.

August 7, 2009, Dav Flamerock comments:

The inclusion of dreams is suddenly quite interesting. How long have you been having this dream? Do you remember anything more about the voice which said “Now?” Have you been much of a dreamer before this recurring dream?

Most importantly, have you seen a tall slender man clad in a suit with a blank face, in real life?

This may be more important than you think. As before, I can be reached at my.name at gmail.

~Dav Flamerock

Miskatonic University

August 9, 2009, Logan responds:

I’m not sure how often I’ve been having the dream… A few days maybe? I haven’t had it since I wrote about it though, so I guess this pseudo-journaling thing has at least accomplished one thing. I’ve had plenty of dreams in the past, and even some that have been recurring, so I didn’t think this was particularly out of the ordinary. Also, I’m afraid I can’t tell you anything specific about the voice beyond that it doesn’t belong to someone I know. I guess it sounded like a middle aged man? It’s a bit hard to describe a random voice.

There’s been a pretty good lack of slender men clad in suits with blank faces… No worries on that front.

I’m sorry I can’t be more helpful, but feel free to tell me anything you think might be relevant.

Cheers,

Logan

August 11, 2009, Dav Flamerock comments:

I commend Dr. W for putting together the story as he has done so with such limited information from Matt. However, it is *very* curious that you have begun having these dreams after seeing the sketchbook, for obvious reasons. Have you had the dream since we last spoke? I trust you shall blog about it when you do?

I must admit, I am finding Matt’s story difficult to believe. Such a blatant act of hostility and destruction of life is not consistent with the other material I have on the Slender Man, for he has been known to be subtle and very exacting in his victims–certainly not the kind to appear in broad daylight and set fire to half a squad of battle-hardened marines. While the dream coincidence is strange, I must agree with Dr. W’s analysis. Seeing one’s friends blown apart by a suicide bomber is always a traumatizing experience.

Regards,

~Dav Flamerock

Miskatonic University

August 12, 2009, zebo2g comments:

Just a word of advice, and it MIGHT help with remembering the dream. Some people who have dreams of let’s say, winning the lottery. They enjoy the idea of it that much that some keep a notepad on their bedside table. The moment you wake up, jot down every key point you remember from that dream and report it back here and we’ll see where we can go from there.

Stay safe and be careful

August 12, 2009, zebo2g comments:

Sorry just went over the rest of your entries again, but still keep the notes of every dream and we’ll see what we can get from them. The fixation with this creature shouldn’t be taken lightly. Be careful with how far you pursue this as it could really get to you and end in you going insane. If the dreams get worse, for the sake of yourself, back off from it.

August 13, 2009, Lifegospel comments:

Hello

I am a colleague of Dav Flamerock’s, I have an understanding of dream psycology, more so than most scientists. This recurring dream can be troubling, or it could just be you saw the picture and started dreaming about it.

Either way, I will keep reading this, if you have any questions, I’ll answer them as best as I can.

-Lifegospel

September 25, 2009, Sven Vikson comments:

Joshua, I must warn you, you need to avoid this “Business man” at all costs, I can’t stress this to you any more. You may also want to avoid Logan’s journal. You are in great danger and if you aren’t careful, you could end up like him.

September 25, 2009, TheNightmareComplex comments:

Once you’ve got those pictures up, my friend, you need to burn it. Please. The cycle can end with you.

September 26, 2009, Morrigan comments:

Don’t let anyone else touch the journal or see the journal, either. Don’t even mention the journal if you haven’t already.

October 4, 2009, Ash comments:

I have a theory… I think whatever this ‘Slender Man’ is, he is a virus of sorts. The notes and drawings that your friend wrote had a horrifying affect on him, and now it’s affecting you, second hand. The same thing to what’s happening to J who’s posting the Marble Hornets videos. His friend Alex seems to have slowly degraded, and now J is showing signs of illness.

This thing is a virus, corrupting whatever it comes near.

October 5, 2009, TheNightmareComplex responds:

Virus aren’t designed to corrupt, I’m afraid, they’re designed to destroy and breed. Their only function if to multiply. I’m afraid Slender Man is more like a Cancer than anything. And that’s far more terrifying.

October 5, 2009, Lifegospel responds:

Cancer causes the immune system to attack itself, while the cancerous cells multiply, I think that as long as we’re on medical metaphors, Slender Man is more autoimmune. The body starts attacking itself, as Matt, Alex and Logan did.

October 5, 2009, Ash responds:

As long as we’re one-upping each other on the medical metaphors… ;)

He’s like the spiritual black death.

October 5, 2009, TheNightmareComplex comments:

Wow, not only is Dr. P.T. Madd a gamejacker, he’s a bad one; His pictures are straight off of Something Awful.

Nice try, jerk.

October 5, 2009, Joshua responds:

What game?

-Joshua

October 5, 2009, Dav Flamerock comments:

You don’t want to know.

Madd, if you really wanted to pass yourself off as real, you would at least do some historical research and remind yourself that Innsmouth was effectively destroyed in police action over sixty years ago.

~Dav Flamerock

Miskatonic University

October 8, 2009, Dav Flamerock comments:

Logan, you mustn’t aggravate yourself. The reward is knowledge, yes–that is why it was sent to you. That did not cause the arrival of the Slender Man, nor did it make him see you. You are not alone. You are not the only one who can see him. If you learn one thing from me, it is this:

There is no why.

Do not let your shell break. Protect your vital heart and your mind.

He is in our world. We are NOT in his. Do not let yourself fall to delirium. Do not give up hope.

~Dav Flamerock

October 18, 2009, Dav Flamerock comments:

A few details have me worried–Logan living on Ash Tree Lane (Yggdrasil), the frightening resemblance of the scratches on the cover to something too dangerous to discuss on these unreliable networks, and the two missing pages being the most important points.

Joshua, you made the right choice to rid yourself of this book.

October 27, 2009, Dav Flamerock comments:

Without going into too much detail;

I must have posted this on my youtube video, not here, but the reason Miskatonic has no web presence is because we work exclusively on Internet-2, so none of our webwork can be accessed on Internet-1 (what we are using now). I think it’s silly to be completely invisible on this network, but the esoteric have their reasons and I’m not exactly in any position to argue. As for why Miskatonic only shows up as a fictional school, such is an unfortunate side effect of the school’s desire to stay obscure. Lovecraft, as you mentioned, went there and wrote about it, and that was the first really public view to the school. As I’m sure you know, the first story sticks, and so now everyone knows it as “that school that Lovecraft wrote about.” Oh well, I’m not going to make a big deal about that either–it actually works rather well for us.

Dr. Upham is not whom I was referencing, I was referencing Dr. Ukrytywicz (and you wondered why I shortened his name). You won’t find him on the internet much, because he’s a bit secretive himself, but perhaps someone knows of him.

I don’t understand why people keep invoking the Marble Hornets entries here, due to their dissociation, but I have no power to stop you from doing so.

Good day, and have a Happy Halloween!

~Dav Flamerock

December 31, 2009, ISH comments:

Some of us are still paying attention to the trees.

Logan, Joshua. Don’t give up.

January 8, 2010, Dylan comments:

Logan is no longer suffering.

January 9, 2010, Mato comments:

He mentioned he was going to ride his motorcycle to where Logan’s cadaver is being kept, I can only hope that something similar to before hasn’t happened. Joshua if you get the chance to read these comments I recommend continuing to keep in touch with us, it could help take your mind off of things.

I’m a little worried about myself actually, ever since early December I’ve been looking into this Slenderman thing heavily. Been sick since Christmas, everything but the terrible coughing has gone away. Not seen anything strange, yet, though me being far from alone nearly 100% of the time may have something to do with that.

But as we’ve seen from other incidents, SM doesn’t seem to have any trouble toying with people that stick in groups.

March 27, 2010, Zedek comments:

As the curtains close so many from the audience try to hold it open. The Act is done, it is time to sleep and await for a chance to tell our story.

November 18, 2010, Lewis comments:

This is the end of the story. In a few months, it will be a year since anybody has posted on this blog.

Matt is dead.

Logan is dead.

Joshua is dead.

But when one story is over, a new one begins.

March 25, 2011, der ritter comments:

It is but a noise, a shadow, a warning. To see it is to deserve it. Follow the angel of death to the ark. Only the chosen shall live. The Waters of God will engulf sin. The world is his playground but everything answers to something. That something is close, rounding the forgotten planet. Repentence is aimed at something false. Humanity has failed, follow him to the ark. His origin will be the last place for salvation.

May 16, 2011, Can'tKeepUp comments:

Sometimes there are things we can’t explain, things that don’t make sense to us. It’s best not to get involved with these things but for those of you who do…stop before it’s too late.

July 10, 2011, ThroughALookingGlass comments:

It’s been over two years now. I don’t think they’re coming back.

Something bad must have happened, I think they’re gone.

I never really met any of these guys, but I understand what it is they were dealing with. After waiting for two years and recieving no updates, I’m giving up on waiting.

For the past couple of years I’ve been compiling some research and I’ve had a few close encounters of my own. I’m not going to just destroy all of the evidence and spend the rest of my life in fear, I’ll find out what happened to these two by myself. If some Monster comes after me, so be it. I’m done with all these disappearances and unsolved mysteries.

I’ll finish this.

January 31, 2013, Noxifer comments:

What begins, ends.

And with end comes a new beginning.

Life is just a highway to death.

[anotherler]

Time for more LQ notes! I read probably...40 pages if not more yesterday and the night before that so I’m taking a little break cause I got emotional but I still have tons of notes to post and I have been dividing them up so that the lists aren’t too long. I’ve also got some longer notes because I really like to think about this blog.  I probably should have mentioned this earlier but yeah...spoilers for ALL of LQ’s blog because i’m taking into account past and present posts.

This one has some of the longest notes in it and it ends at page 24 of his blog.

Part 1 / 2 / 3 / 4

186. LQ seems to be feeling peachy keen ehehehe

187. The quality of LQ’s eyesight it somewhat correlated with seeing the truth or seeing clearly…so to speak…or quite frankly in a completely litteral sense.

188. LQ KNOWS ABOUT THE HAIRDRESSING BLENDER RUMOUR ABORT ABORT

189. (Also I understand forgetting of/being sick of drawing glasses.)

190. Blood faucet

191. Ah yes. Stove’s bestest friend; Oven…heheh.

192. In nightmares. In the distance…a hazy silhouette. No wonder LQ is so terrified of his dreams. Does he know that other guy is there? (Also I love ‘Ending’ by Ellie Goulding that’s an amazing song for LQ) Another thing of note is how LQ just sits there with his hands on his head. I wonder how he feels when he’s there. Is it a reminder of a part of him that literally died away?

193. LQ dabbles in the ancient language of magic anon..without success. Gosh that’s so meta.

194. LQ doesn’t really seem to think there is much of a difference whether he’s female or not. He’s pretty much right about that if you ask me.

195. Oh LQ :” D

196. The tags on the “static explanation” post are golden

197. LQ talks about his mom and boy does it hurt.

198: LQ sorta seems to prefer his female form in some ways…then again it’s really tricky to nail down. Such is gender, honestly.

199. LQ is very self aware and rather smart so it’s hard to believe him when he says he’s an idiot and doesn’t understand himself. But I do get that you can never full understand yourself.

200. LQ confirms that he really really didn’t take the surprise of being an aftermath well and that’s probably how he got all those injuries…he’s also been screaming in his sleep. As to whether or not he’s saying any additional thing is…hrm. Perhaps at this point he already knows about HQ and it’s just something he kept hidden from his followers. Considering it seems as though his dreams are composed of a bloody wasteland…why would he have any other reason to scream.  Just a theory.

201. I really appreciate LQ admitting he feels cowardly and going at his own pace. It’s good for him to take it slow but dangerous I suppose to sorta fall back into stagnancy. It’s a feeling that’s easy to recognize…

202. Be NICE to LQ he’s trying his best!!!!

203. Swiggity swall what’s with that pink ball…in his tags he mentions colossal con…hmmm. If LQ really did win that ball then maybe he’s so happy about it because it was a little victory.

204. LQ is immortal; on account of peaches

205. HQ is probably one of the best kept secrets on this blog because to my understanding, the concept for HQ has been around far longer than HQ has been present. I wonder if LQ’s laughter and words and sudden duality were because of HQ. LQ does mention being tired and he appears to be falling asleep and his head hurts so hm…hmmm

206. THIS PART!!! THIS PART!!!!!!

207. I’ve got a sense of déjà vu at this part cause there was a drawing of LQ facing to the left where it’s dark and his eyes were obscured and here it is again…but not quite the same. Just a second while I locate that other one….yup, page 52. LQ addresses his name and how he got it.

208. VALLEY/ONCIE LQ!!!!

209. No static on LQ but static on trees

210. TBH I love LQ’s once-ler story like all the other parts of it too like his valley days and boy did I want to see him at the height of his business but he did sorta act like he was at the start of the blog…but I get the sense it woulda been a bit different.

211. The illustrations in this part of the blog are so beautiful too. There are tons of other really notable areas but you can’t help but admire the complexity and the bright colours.

212. Interrupting your pleasant flashback to remind you of how much deep shit you’re in!!!

213. So LQ totally knew what was gonna happen and did it anyways…could he have even avoided this?

214. So I can see what makes LQ so bad. He talks about yelling at people, took his brothers for granted, calls people fuckers and idiots when he’s mad and I get the impression that with his delusions of grandeur he milked his success for all it was worth and used that time as an opportunity to feel superior and successful for once and quite simply give himself whatever it was he wanted for some time. Allowing himself to act however he wanted too. You get hints about this kind of demeanor throughout the blog, especially when he’s upset. But frankly, I think he’s been upset this whole time thinking about how nothing could change, how he couldn’t change anything about what direction he was going in because he really didn’t think he could. And then he slipped up and lost the seed. His last hope to not be a fuckup and come out as somewhat of a hero in the end despite how he acted. He probably didn’t think it would matter back then. The way he talks while holding the seed just oozes with selfishness. This part is really fucking sad. Plus a lot of it plays out in LQ’s mind: what others think of him. He doesn’t seem to believe that love can be unconditional that one day if you appear to be shitty enough people will leave and he braces himself for that constantly. This note is long, but this is a very important part of his story and a clear view of his past.

215. I’ve said it once. I’ll say it again. I FUCKING LOVE HQ. I love how he…antagonizes and challenges LQ. I love his charismatic way of speaking. I love his energy. He’s wild. He does sometimes refer to LQ as separate. How could he not? They ARE separate. HQ tends to aggressively oppose everything LQ does and I wonder what caused HQ to exist. Is this what LQ wanted?

216. IT HIM. I also really like how his reveal is dragged out like…who IS this guy. Who is he??? Is it LQ talking holy shit theres two of him??????

217. Me, forgetting how long HQ’s cape actually is: SHI T (also it looks really good long oh my god how did I not realize it was long?????????)

218. Well…so that’s why LQ’s mother started to avoid him and never spurred him on. She knew that Once-lers were bound to fail. I kinda wonder if that notion of failiure caused LQ to think less of himself...oh, probably.

219: So HQ is pretty much kinda like LQ’s…”true self” (insert persona joke here I suppose) so it makes sense for him to insult the followers as much as he does because LQ was probably holding his tongue somewhat. But HQ kinda takes LQ’s…truthfulness and bumps it up to 50 so in a case where LQ is mildly irrated, HQ just amplifies it to a screaming fit till it’s impossible to ignore or shrug off. LQ also perceives himself to be rather horrible and HQ definitely drives that peg in.

220. LQ was apparently distrustful and managed most of the tasks of business on his own and not very well either. Comparing this to previous things he’s  said , suddenly it doesn’t add up. A while back he mentioned that he shouldn’t HAVE to work because he is CEO but I think maybe he just didn’t want to get the credit for running his business so badly. Not to mention he had widely forgotten things back then.

221. Frankly when HQ is calm it’s really hard to discern him from LQ and he does. Get really calm at some point. I could picture LQ saying these exact things in previous posts. LQ doesn’t always lie, afterall. And HQ is not as much unlike LQ as people would think. But HQ kinda is a separate school of thought. I guess some part of LQ really wanted to be honest about everything and say everything that was on his mind and not hold it in anymore.

222. Wow. LQ really knows his METAphysics. (As in he understands perception of reality quite well.)

223. LQ is pretty much aware of everything you do. All your lewd questions, all your ships, everything. He just keeps his mouth shut because…common courtesy, eh? Even if talking about these things makes him ache. And just the way LQ defends this  makes personal sense to him. He believes that since he has an askblog people have the right to ask him whatever they want and he can’t be too mad at them cause otherwise he wouldn’t be running it properly. Never the less, it hurts and though the hints are there throughout the blog, HQ makes it painfully obvious here and then. And he gets really mad too, so LQ is clearly rather mad and fed up with it himself. LQ also mentions that he never should have..what? Talked about it? Yelled at his followers? Questions.

224. Okay, also now that I’ve read his blog through I really understand how LQ and HQ are one in the same because I remember all the ways that LQ has acted in the past and making these notes expanded my understanding. Perhaps the most unprecedented thing about the blog is how the followers are going to react and the majority of them seem to think there is no way that he and HQ are one in the same.

225: HQ sorta explains that why he’s there is so that the truth wouldn’t be coming from LQ himself. HQ’s kinda like a scapegoat.

226: LQ honestly does inflict a lot of punishment on himself.

227. Static Oncie was attacked by LQ because he stood for the hope of not messing up for good and LQ didn’t think he had made any mistakes. Static Oncie continues to be an enigma, however…I’m still trying to figure him out.

228. Shout out to Corv who kept LQ alive by feeding him like a mother bird. Good bird man.

229. Shout out to Mori for everything so far because it’s still fucking amazing!!!

230. LQ looks super adorable with suspenders. I really like them ^^ And yeah LQ you’ve come a long way since you’re not as pale as the sheet you were wearing on Halloween anymore.

231. Well, LQ honestly explains it well saying that some part of him probably got mad at him for not taking charge or a sense that when wandering in his thoughts they took control.

232. It’s pretty hard for LQ to have to push himself to face what he’s done and remember it when it hurts so much. But the latter isn’t exactly good for long either. It seems hard for him to find the right way of going about things.

233. From this angle you can see that LQ’s wall has blood on it and it’s only more obvious by how the static gathers in front of it.

234. GLOVE PARTY

235. Nice Stove cosplay

236. LQ seems to have a strong aversion to the colour black.

237. I love it when LQ tries to be spooky hehehe~

238. rainbow gloves are amazing gloves

239. HQ’s back! And LQ is intitially being a bit of a good sport about it it seems.

240. Again, this part is rather hard to read. Litterally because most of it is supposed to be obscured. Frankly…what I’m starting to understand about HQ is he’s the part of LQ that wants to improve to some degree. What other reason would he have to be so honest? He also reacts in shock to LQ not responding in the light of holding a knife up to his own throat. HQ also tends to plead and question the other side of him. It hadn’t occurred to me but among many of my thoughts HQ is kinda like a manifestation of survival too. He’s aggressive as a last resort. He kinda acts out of turn and does whatever he has to do and overtime he just never gives up. He keeps trying different things and I think it might be for the sake of trying to get better. What would it be alternatively? Punishment? Later posts really nail that notion in, if you ask me.

241: It really fills me with warmth to remember how Mori decided to update LQ on my birthday. It meant so much to me UuU it still does

242. Peach farmin’

243. I only have oen thing….to say……..8 >

244. The first time my dumb butt decided to come off anon and talk to LQ eeee :”D Kinda fucking weird that I’m such a fangirl ahahaha…ah well LQ would probably understand. As would…most people.

245. I kinda wonder if LQ doesn’t want visitors and doesn’t want to leave moreso on the basis that he’s scared of being judged and hurt by others as opposed to “Oh I’m an aftermath and that’s just what I do.”

246. LQ claims that he met HQ when everyone first saw him.  I had another theory but maybe LQ is telling the truth here too…or is he? Did he maybe just not know what was going on until HQ truly stepped in?

247. LQ is convinced that he’s not a good person. Is he really as bad as he says? That’s almost never the case.

248. It does seem like HQ and LQ can feel different things at the same time so it’s quite likely a sort of split personality conundrum

249. I am still really sad about the history surrounding LQ and his real name.

250. Honestly it’s so cruel that LQ can’t really keep anything to himself. But there is that entire dilemma of wanting to know something someone won’t tell you. Of just being curious an then having that curiosity satisfied. Sorta the nature of an askblog and opening yourself up for questions, isn’t it?