#this rare instance is one that’s fucked for me . except i still wanna be silly and fun and etc.

[filmcel]

i’m the fool for thinking this guy is scared of me bc he likes me no he’s scared of me bc he could b my dad =_=

[unproduciblesmackdown]

another prompt saga

April 8th: Talk about friendship. How important are friends to you? Do you find it hard to make and maintain friendships? Are your friends generally supportive? Is there anything about having friends that confuses you?

another big question for me to go on plenty of tangents lol

well i haven't often had friends Really, there's like, being amicable with classmates, being friends with people While We're At School Together, being friendly acquaintances lmfao, or like, the occasional "yeah ig we're sort of friends, not exactly very close tho" lol and then rarely where yeah i'd call someone a close friend, although naturally, it's not like i completely discount those other, less close relationships. and, even more so, not like overall i'm like "oh friendship? yeah that's pretty frivolous and unimportant and it's just something mildly entertaining vs the Real Shit & True Emotional Support & Love of your biological family and romantic soulmate" lol, Friends Are Important and it's entirely serious 2 me

also natch i Do find it hard to make and maintain friendships lol. goes back to like, preschool and being around a bunch of age peers regularly for the first time, where my "best friend" defaulted to this one person who sought out interacting with me when i was otherwise doing my own thing during preschool recess, and i was pretty enthused about getting invited to a bday party one kid invited a bunch of us to, because that was like, a Friend thing, and a fun social thing, and i was included.....that i Do remember just feeling like, socially, everyone else was playing a game i didn't know the rules to and so couldn't expect to participate and, furthermore, i ought to stay out of the way of whatever everyone else was doing, where i Did often choose to do stuff by myself, but it's like, you know, the way "autistic" is even used figuratively (which. i have a lot of disdain for) because it's like oh the defining thing really is that telltale "doesn't want to interact with other people or form relationships, probably because also they have no feelings / normal and intrinsic qualities of Humanity" but it's like, if you pay any attention or god forbid ask autistic people about their own experiences, sure everyone has their own varying social approach and anyone might not always be raring to be the center of the party or Not want to do their own thing, but it's not that oh all autistic people aren't interested in social connection, but that like even when you are a small child it's like, oh all these other kids are interacting in this way that isn't really my social style and that shuts me out, and/or attempting to interact with people results in this even subtle, quiet rejection / exclusion that can be picked up on. i wasn't making friends and was often keeping to myself / keeping my head down as it were, but it wasn't because i didn't want to have friends or socialize. my mom was insistent i was a Shy Child lmao and i'd always argue that i wasn't Really, without further explanation though lmao, but it's like, again that i felt that sort of emergent exclusion, and there wasn't any space to interact much on my terms at all, and like, yeah i often stayed quiet / didn't want to mingle with other kids / if i was in a Situation i wanted to know the How To of navigating it / what to expect

being friends with people at school was fine, except the drawbacks of stuff like "we're only interacting at school, rarely hanging out outside of that" & "someone in the same grade is in a diff class in elementary school so we just never see each other now" & "for some reason that 2nd grade teacher made a whole giant Example out of me and a friend, god forbid, not paying attention or whatever the fuck, so now i feel like we can't interact at all anymore" & "changing schools entirely between elementary / middle / college" & "not being in school" lmao similar to work friends too, we're At Work, might not see each other outside of that, might change jobs & stop seeing each other, & still overall rare, b/c the Preschool Experience never Really stopped imo, had different versions of it even into college and like, being at jobs with other adults lmao, socializing is still Like That, came up with the Je Ne Hate Quoi where like, people kind of just Know to exclude you / consider you an exception to whatever other social stuff is going on.

and then like, the difficulties even when socializing / interactions Are happening, where like, it's always funny like. i'm very Verbose / Chatty and very opinionated but like, this will surprise people, that i Talk actually and have a ton of takes, b/c i was keeping to myself / not sharing that with them and so it's like well, that must of course be the realest version of me, no way i was filtering myself, i just must have Not Wanted to talk, and/or had nothing to say & hence no thoughts or feelings i might wanna share lol, of course....and tbh like, it sure Can be true that i don't wanna talk lmao like. i wanna talk About Stuff that isn't really "personal" generally, which can be like, yeah i wanna talk about this book, or about birds, or about this trivia topic, or whatever, whereas idk so much how to do like small talk about your day or otherwise share Casual things about Yourself, like, idk, being aware my interests are things about Myself but also aware that it's Weird / wasn't the kind of stuff you were supposed to talk about, and i felt that things about my life were otherwise Not The Right Stuff, or too boring (never hanging out, not doing much except being at home reading / doing shit by myself or w/siblings) or too Unfun (able to pick up the sense that At Home Shittiness was a private matter lol......) and it'd be like, idk what to say, things about myself don't seem to fit..........but also it can be that i do not enjoy the Vibe of an interaction lmfaoooo like, i truly do not want to talk to you people. like that i can sometimes vibe with someone inebriated people better lmfao because then, idk, they have some sense of humor and can muster some enthusiasm for anything, but also i'm not really a fan of knowing that someone isn't sober lmfao like. ppl will be like "omg were you drunk" like no, that was just my personality, whereas i am not Heartened to know other ppl Will have to have been drunk to get on my level, for example, don't understand when people cannot muster being even a little silly. it's goofaround hours. but then you have like, being around a bunch of cishet people when they're drunk, and their humor is as nonexistent and boring as ever but they're even louder / more insistent about it, nightmare. and, yknow, just people talking and i'm like "i'm not interested in this at all, whether re: conversational Style or Subject, i would not want to participate" and times when it's like. i know if i was gonna chime in with what i Would say you would not be able to handle me here lmfaoooo so. i truly would prefer examining the wall and thinking about my own shit or texting with someone i do like talking with

but that yknow, in groups / conversations i would be at least someone interested in, i can still be like, idk, Hesitant To Talk b/c of all the instances you've been taught like oh you're socializing Wrong and everyone hated that, sorta like the post about making a comment about salsa that brings the gc to a halt and you're wondering how you fucked up and if salsa killed someone's parents and forgot or whatever, i've been Disheartened re: hanging out when it's like, well, nice to be included, but i'm a friendship third wheel here, not being included in the entire convo and nobody misses it, there's been instances where it's like, two people talking, i chime in, i am completely ignored multiple times, this is frustrating lmao. or there's been times i've tried to put myself out there in a way, like yeah sure i'll hang out with this group, but also i'm anxious and it's like, if people are doing homework i'm also bringing this thing i'm working on as this parallel task, only to find out down the line like people then regarded you as a joke or something b/c it was Rude or Wrong when you know, actually that was you reading some weird shit that didn't exist into the situation, and just like, idk it's wild how people will have like "graciously" declined to express something to your face, and you either can pick up on shit at the time but not be able to say anything which just reads to people like "oh they didn't notice this / that means you can push it a little further next time even" or like, figure out later that something that seemed positive or decent actually ft. people not liking you / not wanting to include you Yet Again, and as a bonus you're left with you know, having to always worry about if people Seemingly being amicable & accepting is actually them wishing you weren't there or solidifying some Interpretations of you that they're then gonna Talk About or Act On behind the scenes, like, beautiful thank you, always very touching, so glad you were so Considerate of someone's feelings and Nice about this where it just ends up being this whole letdown / feeling like even more of a rejection if there was this weird like stringing along lmao like. can allistic people be normal for five minutes

anyways and tied to that sort of, it's also like, simultaneously Cagey About Things and always worried about like, i could tell this person this thing and maybe it'd be Incorrect for the interaction and they won't care, whether because it's too mundane and boring a thing about you or because it's too #Real, i think i glimpsed something a month or so ago about like "do other autistic people have trouble where like, you can be friends with someone a long time but not get particular Close to them" or whatever lol, where like, well i have to hold everyone at arm's length and often Then Some because there's just matter of fact stuff about me that i nonetheless think i can't or shouldn't share, if i talked about something it might be out of the blue b/c i just was hardly confiding in people about it, or it's boring, or it's like, i don't actually feel like i'm close enough with this person that saying this isn't gonna be like "whoa overshare!! i just feel awkward & weird!" lmfao like. there were people i hung out with in person the year i lived out of my car and i did not mention this at all to them / kept it a secret b/c it's like, not out of like ohh this is a secret b/c No One Can Know, some people Could know lmao (shoutout to the person i Did confide in about these problems and who talked with me at what must've been like 3am in that timezone when i was like "well the rich people around here made sure to get cops to harass an unhoused person, e.g. me, would you believe it, it sucked" lmfao) it's that i knew idk, it would be pointless, they'd just feel weird about it and switch into that "for some reason, this is being Nice" where everyone will go into full Putting On A Front mode to be Polite like, that really sucks actually lmao could you Not. but it's like, idk, all this stuff where it's like "this thing about me / my life would be too Boring or too Awkward or Depressing or Etc Etc" turns out to be isolating / alienating b/c like, of course it would be. and idk nobody i ever made friends with in person i was Confiding in, not a ton of them re: me either, because you know. being cagey and wary, on top of like ohhh this person is Standoffish if they're hesitant to interact with people generally or do their own thing or i don't think they're socializing Right / have incorrectly inferred their feelings/motivations/intentions or whatever

and furthermore on that lmao it's also like, again, while i'm Verbose & Opinionated people will think i'm quiet & have no takes to provide because it's also like, even when it comes to stuff i sure feel i Could talk freely about, it's like, if i have a different opinion here will that just be a conversational Interruption ruining things for the real participants, probably nobody wants to hear me talk about this Subject, probably nobody wants to / would let me talk about it at much length without interrupting, even Online lmao i can be just going all out in terms of [how much i can talk about something] and while people can be Into that at that time it's like, people aren't into that beyond that one back and forth on one day, shoutout when people do enjoy the extensive discussing and/or have patience for it other times lol.

then supposing i Am talking to people lmao it's like, idk i'm an acquired taste or what have you, like, on top of the Talking A Ton it's like, the being opinionated and argumentative and sometimes pedantic or whatever on top of being irritable, could stand to be a bit more patient lmao, The Hater Friend to use the figure of speech lmao i have hardly been in a Group to be The [Any] Friend lol, also if my sense of humor doesn't fit it's like well how am i supposed to be silly, if being sometimes Enthused doesn't fit, again kinda an issue......have described myself as A Bit Much, humorously, but already not doing that as Much b/c it's like, i think i'm still too much like considering other people's opinions too "objective" here when like, first of all that's never accurate lmao, second of all i can easily forget that idk, i can at least in theory expect people to just regularly Like me and Enjoy interacting with me lol so. an acquired taste few can sample..........like hey even if other people don't vibe with me, it can just as much be the case that i'm not vibing with other people, don't worry lmao. and yknow, kinda parallel to Masking to seem acceptable in any casual social situation it's like, if i feel i'm suppressing my whole personality here / putting up a front / like i have to Get Through what should be a friendly interaction rather than be able to enjoy it myself, it's not exactly that rewarding. and plenty of times it's like, i like to be around people, but it can be strangers, i don't feel like "oh i wanna go out to eat / see a movie / go to this event, but if i can't get any friends to go, guess i can't!" like get out of the way i'm readily doing shit alone, it can even feel Better that way if otherwise it's like, now this occasion is about performing peak Agreeability for this other person/people, and like, not like i have ever been like "yes i have people i can readily ask to hang out and they'll be like Ya" anyways lol so. used to operating solo, where you can't be like "aha this is because this person has no Human Interest in Human Connection" when it's like. well it was never all up to me was it

well and so also it helped when i was 14 and able to be Online consistently, vs at home lmao. time for online friendship, which i don't think is like, oh that's not Real, like what sorry have you never known about people who have Remote friendships before, phones & letters & telegrams and also [nowadays when many ppl are Remote even if they usually lived near enough to hang out with] where it's like, you have this different format for socializing that can sure play out differently than Real Time, In Person interactions, and ever since i'll be posting mostly to myself lmfao but able to thusly talk about Interests and like, people will come along who want to talk more about it, then we do. i suppose also it can sure help that i'll draw (and Only draw, lol) for said interests, although tbh i think most of the time it's the extensive text posts that do it? really and great litmus test or whatever lmfao like, well already this person must not hate the verbosity. and then you can end up vibing with these people further, or not, but it's like, again, there's this chance for From The Start like, oh this person Likes that i have this niche interest, they like &/or don't mind talking A Lot about it lmao, vs in person introductions where that can sure happen but it's like, that's gonna be chance & spontaneous, whereas ppl might have the opportunity to Seek Out this interaction / content of yours......even online though, i'm still like, not as inclined to reach out or make the first interaction move or whatever lmao so. and then it's like, people make galaxy brain remarks like "ohh people who are very Online don't have friends, irl, they aren't Personable, irl," like yes congratulations i'm autistic and i don't have many In Person friends generally, sometimes maybe not any, don't really know where people think they'll land their argument here. like, follow it through, are you just calling people losers. is it "social media makes peopel Not social" like nobody is Doing Anything when they're online or everyone is embracing strangers and having heart to hearts every weekday morning with whoever is nearby if only they weren't on twitter? plus the fact that like, if i don't have access to people i interact with online, that doesn't like, force me to become neurotypical so that i then have a thriving in person social circle, it just means i'm more isolated? meanwhile, turns out it helps a lot if it's like, yeah i can Expect to interact with people

and then still like, all the time it might be like i still can feel Confused as it were about How To Talk To People lmfao like. there's not much "Just Be Yourself" when being yourself has meant filtering yourself, actually, and being v self conscious about trying (and often failing) to appeal to other people (which, then if you do succeed, it's like oops this person likes me but if i've been putting up a front the whole time, not super Validating) and not exactly a ton of practice getting to do Otherwise, and it can again be like. is this too boring to talk about, or just somewhat arbitrarily like "oh i'd better Not talk / say whatever" for no real reason lmfao, i Can just get like. Real Time Chatty as it were, but it's difficult actually lmfao like i need a lot of momentum, and it's easy for that to be Not the case.......and just like, again that it's easy to forget you don't have to be in "nobody wants to hear you talk" mode, or think like, okay, i can't just say anything, i have to say something Good, aka of interest or funny or whatever lmao but then it's like well i guess i Can just say anything. don't much know how to do that tho

(also, sidenote from "wtf is thinking being friends w/someone online is faker than when you're friends with someone sort of from being in the same building every weekday, what is the conclusion of 'what a loser geek whatever if you care about connecting Online who can't be popular Offline'" where it's always funny when someone is also like "wow even in person Fandom is, like social media, something that only people who suck at socializing Normally are into" lmfao like. not very relevant b/c nobody wants to really be in a broader fanbase rather than find particular kindred spirits through it, and who actually wants to go to comic con or whatever, sounds like a nightmare, but it's still such a faux analytical perspective lmfao like, again, first of all, what's the Conclusion to your argument here? and secondly honestly like. all versions of Small Talk are kinda gonna be bullshit, even amongst say, nt people, there's nothing Universal, and people can certainly be inconsiderate / preclude any genuine connection via what they might consider to be this neutral part of the ritual, and yknow, i find it kinda exhausting like it's peak Time To Mask and then i'm hardly in the mood to Really talk further, like yknow what. idk i'd be annoyed if someone demanded i Correctly Complete some sort of fandom reference by way of greeting, but i'm also annoyed when someone demands i Correctly Complete whatever maneuvers you're supposed to do with a rhetorical "how are you :)" lmfao like. you're a cringe nerd in the rigid social ritual of pleasantries fandom)

anyways and uhh yeah i also yknow, hashtag alana beck, it's like, glad to pretend Friendly Acquaintances makes sense, i guess it can, but it's great when it's like, oh i Don't have to only expect to be really peripheral in people's lives, or to only be friends with people i don't feel like i vibe with That much or also talk to that much about anything, when i can definitely feel like Yes this person is a Friend, no "are they actually closer to an acquaintance at this point" disclaimers needed, again, taking it back to the fact that friendship sure is Significant to me and when i have it that's v important thanks

so it's like uhhhh yeah difficult to make friends, don't have general appeal or whatever lol, ppl aren't on my wavelength or i'm not on theirs, hard to talk to people even though it's not because i don't/can't talk plenty lmfao.......and re: being Supportive it's like well, i don't really tell people In Person i'm autistic but naturally if you follow me Online here i am talking about it lol, and not like anyone who already knew me & was friends with me was like "oh nvm don't like interacting with you now" and i also gotta mention the like Handshake Lgbtq lifehack, where plenty of times it can be like, oh if we vibe on That wavelength it can be easier to befriend people, and/or that people will at least be more like, amicable / supportive based on Knowing you're handshake on that lol. b/c really it's like, i'd also like to just be allowed to talk and/or simply be around people even if we are not Personal Friends, aka that you can expect to be treated decently with some basic respect / consideration and like you're generally allowed to exist and be present and interact with people where you're not only guaranteed to Not be punished / excluded for it if someone's your individual friend and allows you to be here, so. once again it's like, can allistic ppl be normal for 5 min

[b-rainlet]

Totally Crazy AU Idea feat. Time Travel Shenanigans

TUA AU where they prevent the apocalypse by tinkering around in the past and then come back to the Future

BUT of course it’s not that easy because they come back to the Future….changed

Last time Five time travelled and ended up in his 13 year old body with a 58 year old consciousness

This time around it’s worse

Everyone - except Diego - has just gone completely wild. Different ages everywhere.

And not only are they stuck being a younger/older version of themselves, their minds actually adapted to that change

Highlights include (going from oldest to youngest):

A 70? 80? Old Five, who spends most of his time sitting in a chair by the window and sleeping

The only person who could potentially know how to fix this mess fucking. sleeping. the whole day

Diego tries to talk to him in the rare moments when Five’s awake but there’s nothing even remotely useful coming out of his mouth

“Five, I need you to help me change you back to your old bodies.” - “Is there going to be cake? I like cake. My wife used to back a delicious cherry pie...I wonder where she is…..” - “Five you’ve never been married.” - “You remind me of my youngest son….He is an architect. He never visits, that ungrateful idiot. But you’ll visit me, right?” - “....Sure I’ll visit you.”

It’s a fucking nightmare and that’s not even counting the awful times Diego had to give Five a bath

(He tried to ignore that but at some point the smell just got bad. Diego hopes that as soon as Five changes back he’s gonna be on his knees, praising Diego’s kindness)

(He also hopes they never ever talk about this)

Sometimes Five will get up and walk around the house looking for Delores and Diego actually found him napping on the floor in the attic

Most of the time he sleeps though and Diego is quite grateful for that because he’s actually the least of his problems

There’s also 17 year old Vanya being in her rebellious phase, going out to party and cracking the music just that teeny bit higher when Diego tells her it’s too loud

“Is that a hickey?! Who did this?” - “I dunno.” - “You don’t remember???” - “There were multiple people.” - “Multiple People?!”

The cliche “You’re not my real Dad!” but it’s mostly “As your big brother…” - “You’re not my brother! We’re just adopted siblings!”

Vanya - as the only one old enough to have any kind of responsibility in this situation - just not giving a fuck about the age problem

“We need to come up with a plan!” - “I don’t give a fu-” - “Language! Think of the fucking children!”

Also emo Vanya and Diego tries to explain how all of this happened and that he believes that maybe the commission knows how to help

“Wait I destroyed the world?”  “...Yes.” - “Good.”

He doesn’t elaborate how she destroyed the world though but with the current rage she’s constantly carrying around with her…..she really doesn’t need to use her powers

Also: Diego still having to do his whole vigilante gig and Vanya not really feeling the whole Babysitting thing

“That’s your baby brother!” - “I didn’t choose to have one though.” “I fucking didn’t choose this either Vanya, are you fucking kidding me-”

Catch Vanya coming down to - slightly burned - breakfast in black eyeliner and leather pants, wearing Reggie’s monocle even though she can’t see shit with it

“Aren’t you supposed to practise the violin?” - “Aren’t you supposed to grow up and get an actual job?”

Diego doing some good old depression drinking when it’s all getting too much and Vanya just swooping in to drink with him

“This is all getting wayyy over my head, I have no idea what to do.” - “Uh-huh.” - “That’s why you need to help a bit more…-wait, are you drinking Vodka? You’re underage!” - “Don’t derail the conversation now, big bro. We were just making progress!”

There’s at least one instance where Diego says. “Young Lady!” in a really stern voice and then immediately has Reginald’s face flashing in front of his eyes and a impromptu crisis about becoming like him

13 year old Luther who is obsessed with becoming a vet and starts a secret animal shelter in the house that’s not at all secret

“Luther, why’s your jacket moving?” - “I...don’t know?”

“Luther, did your backpack just bark?” - “Nooooo, I-uh, I sneezed.”

(He’s a really bad liar)

Diego frequently stumbles over animals just, fucking, laying in the middle of the hallway

He once nearly stepped on a tortoise

He did step on a caterpillar

Luther’s still looking for it

One time, Luther managed to smuggle a pinguin into the academy

A real life pinguin

Out of the zoo

(Diego is convinced Vanya helped Luther just to fuck with him)

He’s also obsessed with space and convinced that he’s gonna develop the ability to fly next to his super strength

They’ve been in the ER for several hours because Klaus convinced Luther that maybe he could trigger his ‘second super power’ by jumping of the shed

(It didn’t work)

“Who on earth would jump down the shed without at least something soft to land on? Have you ever heard of safety regulations?” - “I had a parachute in case things went wrong!” - “You had an umbrella. It had holes.”

Luther slips up once and calls Diego ‘Dad’ and then panics so hard he forgets to breathe

He nearly faints and Vanya laughing at the whole situation really doesn’t make things better

“You do realize that I am not your Father, right? I’m your big brother.” - “Yeah, of course, sure, youß My Dad? Ridiculous, I’m gonna head to my room now, bye Dad-Diego! Diego! Not Dad!”

At least Luther is kinda a normal kid, not at all like Klaus

10 year old Klaus who still can see ghosts and is fucking terrified of them

They’re everywhere

And Diego honestly has no idea what to do with him or how to help

Klaus is afraid that the ghosts will hurt him when he doesn’t watch them constantly, so he tries not to sleep

By 6 pm, Klaus has already downed three coffees and several cheap energy drinks

Diego tried to limit his supply by taking away his stash under the bed but that only made Klaus more creative with his hiding spots

They’re behind the bookshelf in the living room, in the dusty cookie jar in the kitchen, under a loose floor panel under the table, under Diego’s bed, hidden in the ventilation system…..

Soon as Diego finds one spot, Klaus has another one at the ready

“Maybe they won’t spook you anymore if you just..stand up to them.” - “How?” - “Just, you know, scream at them. Go all out, scream ‘Go away’ at the top of your lungs, show them you’re the one in charge.”

But Klaus is too shy for that

He has braces and due to that, he has a slight lisp

He doesn’t really like talking

He does like making trouble with his brother though when the ghosts aren’t as close

They once stuck a magnet to Klaus braces and then couldn’t get it off again

Diego’s second visit in the ER

Klaus managed to somehow rip out part of it and the wires got stuck in his cheek and slashed it open

Third Visit

There was also that brief stint where Vanya pierced Klaus’ ear. Herself. Because Diego really is the only responsible person around here

Fourth Visit

‘That’s a lot of work!’ you say? Apparently the universe thinks it’s not enough because there are still the two youngest left! Please someone save Diego from this suffering, he never wanted to be a single Dad

There is sweet and cute 5 year old Allison…..

…..who is a brat when she doesn’t get her way

“I want ice cream.” - “All shops are closed now, you should’ve said something sooner.” - “I want ice cream!” - “Well you’re not getting any. And that’s ‘please’ and ‘I would like some ice cream’ not ‘I want ice cream’.” - “I. Want. ICE CREAM.”

Cue a screaming fit, complete with throwing herself down and banging her little fists against the floor

And occasionally looking up to see whether Diego is still watching all the hard work Allison is putting into this. He gets why she’s an actress now

(He may have ended up buying her some goddamn ice cream at the overpriced petrol station one town over. She nibbled at it and the gave it back to him because she ‘wasn’t hungry’)

Diego’s gonna fucking lose it if he has to do this any longer

But she can also be really sweet, playing calmy with her dolls or drawing him pictures

“Look!” - “Oh wow! You drew a….an elephant! Beautiful!” - “That’s not an elephant silly, that’s you!” - “Oh. Of course. How could I not see that?”

He may have cried a little when she gave him a picture of their family, sorted from oldest to youngest, all of them holding hands

”Why am I wearing a cape?” - “Because you’re our hero.”

It’s a good thing that Allison never uses her powers in arguments - the only thing Diego is glad Reginald drilled into her at a young age already - but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t use it at all

She uses it, alright

“Allison, for the love of god, stop constantly changing your hair colour. I like your hair just as it is.”

“Allison! Stop making the cat fly! And Luther, stop letting stray cats inside the house!”

“Allison! Stop turning your Oatmeal into chocolate! No, you can’t turn Klaus’ Oatmeal into chocolate either! Don’t turn anyone’s Oatmeal into chocolate!”

“Allison, stop turning yourself invisible when you’re playing tag. You know it freaks Luther out and you don’t wanna make him cry again, do you?”

But the greatest challenge of them all may be Ben

(It’s definitely Ben)

See, taking care of a Baby is already hard enough when it’s just a Baby, but a Baby with literal tentacles coming out of their body?

Ben is a quiet kid, let him sleep and - much like Five - he’ll spend his days like that

When he’s awake, play a bit with him, talk to him not at all in baby voices, Diego would never do that, no matter what Vanya claims to have seen

Try not to worry too much about the Tentacles that are constantly out (Is that normal? Were they constantly out the first time Ben had been a Baby? Should Diego like, try to stuff them back in? Would that be a good idea? Probably not)

Ben has killed people with them for fuck’s sake, but they mostly seem interested in wrapping themselves around Diego’s hand and holding on while Ben sucks on his pacifier

(The wiggly boys are kinda cute, in a weird, disturbing way)

Well, as long as they don’t-

“Luther! Get the cat before the tentacles get her! And stop letting stray cats in!”

There are only two rules concerning Ben and his...Bentacles:

Don’t scare or startle him

Diego found this out the hard way when he played peek-a-boo with Ben and was rewarded by having ink splashed into his face

Smelly Ink

Glowing Smelly Ink

Green Glowing Smelly Ink

(He spent two hours in the bathroom. In the meantime, Klaus nearly set the Kitchen on Fire and Vanya sneaked out despite being grounded to dramatically drive away with her girlfriend of the week)

So, don’t startle Ben if you don’t wanna be covered in gross stuff, noted

All is well

Then, Ben gets a cold

Which means he is more whiny than usual and barely sleeps, keeping Diego up all night

But cool, Diego could live with that

If it wouldn’t mean that Ben sneezes

A lot

And the Bentacles sneeze too

The walls of Ben’s room are soaking in ink, it’s dripping from the fucking ceiling and Diego can’t even leave because he’s afraid Ben’s gonna think he left him at the worst time of his life, but he also can’t take Ben into another room because he’d only ruin that one too…..

And Diego spending so much time with Baby Ben is making Allison jealous and Vanya hates being forced to stay around and watch over her little siblings because Diego has his hands full with the Bentacles and it only makes both of them more moody and snappy towards each other…….

It’s a long week for everyone involved

Rule Number Two, maybe the most important one:

Never. Ever. Take his Blankie

And he means never

(Thank fuck that he had pushed Allison out of the way, he still has a massive bruise on his shoulder from being thrown against the cupboard)

Basically, give me this family drama movie about Diego somehow becoming a single Dad to super children

With guest appearances such as:

Eudora, who is actually never physically there

But Diego phones her all the time because he’s freaking out

She categorically refuses to go play happy family with him, there’s no way she’s gonna get involved with that….mess

“Dora, could you come over to-” - “No.”

“Patch, there’s an emergency I need to-” - “No.”

“Could you maybe watch over Ben? Just for an hour?” - “I don’t know how to handle kids. I’m an only child.” - “I met your two brothers??”

Diego phones her and gets send to voice message and it’s just Eudora saying “Whatever it is Diego, the answer is no.”

Diego also keeps calling her to ask her really ridiculous questions about children

“Hypothetically….a kid wouldn’t actually die from swallowing a bunch of buttons, right?” - “A bunch? How does that kinda accident happen?” - “....Maybe it wasn’t an accident…..”

“Do you think it’s okay to curse in front of Babies? They don’t actually understand you, right?” - “Diego, I swear to God, it’s three am. I will kick your ass.”

Grace, who is somehow conveniently malfunctioning right when Diego would need her the most and who just….forgot how to take care of children

And how to not endanger them

Diego catched her giving Klaus tips on how to properly light things up (“Because you wanna make a big fire, honey, don’t you?”)

She basically does what the kids ask her to without any kind of regulation

They had cake for breakfast, lunch and dinner for one week straight before Diego forbid her to cook and took over that task himself

(Now, stuff may be slightly burned but at least healthy)

She helped Luther when he hid from Diego because he refused to take a bath, lying to Diego’s face - to his face - that she had no idea where Luther could be

She actually disfigures her arm so the Bentacles can play with it (!)

She gave Allison scissors because she wanted to cut her hair (!!!)

And she uses swear words in the weirdest situations because someone - Diego suspects Luther or Klaus but it’s actually Vanya - keeps teaching them to her

“Mom, have you seen Allison?” - “I have no idea where that hoe is, Asshole.”

“Diego, sweetheart, would you hand me the fucking bowl?” - “The what?”

She also does breakdance with Klaus to pretty inappropriate music

“My neck, my back, lick my-” - “JOY TO THE WORLD, THE LORD HAS COME”

She also keeps malfunctioning further because she doesn’t seem to get the concept of liquids being bad for robots

(She plays tea party with Allison a lot. Pogo has to try and fix her after every time)

Speaking of Pogo

He’s not around a lot because he spends all his time going through Reginald’s documents to either find a way to fix Grace or find some clues about Time Travel Shenanigans

(Klaus also cries every time he sees her and Allison refuses to talk to him, so it’s better if he’s not around that much)

He spends a lot of time with Vanya though under the guise of helping him with his research

(She really just likes jamming out in the same room as him because he doesn’t mind how loud her music is and he doesn’t annoy her as much as the others)

When the appropriate amount of time has passed for all the weirdest scenarios to play out and them to grow closer as a family in-between visits to the ER and mental breakdowns on Diego’s part and just general chaos all around, with some super elements thrown in

Diego has a lead about how all of this is actually the commissions fault

(Because of course it is)

So I am begging you to imagine Diego, storming into the commission headquarters, in full on Vigilante Mode, with the appropriate amount of Leather on his body and a broody look on his face

Basically ready to kick some ass

With Baby Ben strapped to his chest, in one of those Baby Carriers

Babbling and giggling, clutching his Blankie while Diego takes out all his knives

And he fights the bad guys in badass showdowns but still manages to cover Ben’s ears when they throw insults at him because “There’s a kid present! Show some class!” - “Sorry.”

Also one of them (maybe the big bad?) dares to take away Ben’s Blankie (because of course) and Ben handing his ass to him without as much as blinking

Proud big bro baby talking Ben like “Who’s my little Tentacle Boy? You are! I’m so proud of my murderous baby bro, yes I am!”

While all of that goes down, the others are told to wait in the car

Well, Vanya, Luther and Allison are supposed to wait in the car

Klaus got the huge responsibility of staying home and watching over Five because he’s in no state to be near any dangerous situations, not with his lack of sleep and his jumpiness

(Vanya, Luther and Allison were also supposed to stay at home, but both Luther and Allison refused to let Diego go alone - full on flinging themselves around his legs - and Vanya was already sitting in the car when the other three got there, not even saying anything)

But Diego is stubborn so he doesn’t let them go in with him (he has this whole speech about how Ben needs to be there because it’s the only place where Diego can properly protect him... but Diego is just really soft for Ben and doesn’t want to possibly lose sight of him)

Ben may possibly be Diego’s fave but don’t tell the others

Anyway, Vanya, Luther and Allison don’t make it more than three minutes before leaving the car

If asked, accusations would go wild, everyone blaming someone else, but fact is, Luther got out of the car first

(He saw a kitty)

Allison then got out of the car because Luthe got out and what he can do, she can do double

(Also...Kitty)

Vanya is the teenager stereotype who doesn’t even notice that they go because she’s listening to music on her walkman like an emo and trying to scope out the place as best as she can from her position

And then turns back to the others after a while

“Do you think everything’s alright back t-SHIT!”

So, they end up going to a whole other section of the evil headquarters and kick ass there

First Luther and Allison kick ass together, deciding to go find Diego if they’re already out of the car anyway

Followed by Vanya, who still believes she’s powerless and takes out guards sneaky style, hitting them over the head with a desk lamp or whatever else she can find

UNTIL

Luther and Allison are cornered by the bad guys and they don’t care whether they hurt children or not and it seems like L and A have lost

The guards are closing in and Luther positions himself in front of his sister to at least try and protect her while Allison hides behind him and both of them are crying…..

They close their eyes…..

And then there’s a loud clash and screaming and the sound of bodies hitting the floor and when they look up again there’s Vanya standing in the middle of the room, eyes white, guards laying dead to her feet

She doesn’t stay WV though, she comes back to herself to rush over to her siblings and check whether they are okay

Cue a short cuddle pile

“You have powers! Awesome!” - “Yeah, I….I guess so.”

Somehow, they reunite with Diego and manage to threaten the Handler enough she rights time, making them grown ups again and promising Five and Klaus are adults again too and that Grace should be functioning now

(Let’s just pretend she can do that and we can trust her for the sake of this AU. The important part is the whole de-aging anyway)

So, they come back home, slightly bruised but mostly okay and Vanya and Diego definitely have a heart to heart in the car about her powers while Allison, Luther and Ben are asleep in the backseat (a leftover gift from being children in stress situations)

“Thanks Diego. For all that you did.” - “I was a terrible surrogate Dad though.” - “You were a thousand times better than our real Father.”

Bonus: They come back home and just find Klaus and Five sleeping on the floor, looking like they’ve been through the apocalypse all over

Because watching over Five was supposed to be easy and even boring

But with Five sleeping - as usual - and Grace shutdown for the night already (and Pogo locked in his studies to figure out a solution) there’s nothing standing between Klaus and the ghosts

So Klaus mixes himself a drink containing three different Energy Drinks and a bunch of sugar

And sets it on the table to down it as soon as he’s peed

He comes back, prepared to drink that stuff and not think to hard about the taste

But the Glass is empty

And Five’s gone

Five + accidentally drinking something strong enough to kill someone? A disaster

He’s on the loose

And he somehow thinks someone has abducted Delores?

Wtf?

Klaus has to spend the rest of his night chasing Five, who keeps glitching around the house like a maniac, yelling and rambling and…..fighting the air? With a sword?

Where the F did he get a sword???

And it’s impossible to get Five to sit down - or at least get off the table

orthechandelierhowdidhegetonthechandelier

He’s so high on sugar he is vibrating

(Klaus is fearing for his life)

And then there’s also the fucking ghosts, who keep lurking in the shadows and reaching out for him, moaning and cursing his name…..

But Klaus doesn’t have time for this right now and he is fed up of having his life controlled by a bunch of dead people

He wants to be able to sleep again

He wants his life again

So he thinks of Diego, of his advice, and he takes a deep breath and just screams at them

“GO AWAY!!”

And it actually works

The ghosts recoil, shocked when Klaus doesn’t cower before them like usual

And they disappear

Just….disappear in a dust of smoke

And then he’s an adult again

And Five - who took the time to strip to his boxers and use lipstick like war paint - is too

Klaus rides out Five’s sugar high as best as he can, sighing in relief when he finally falls asleep, crashing down on top of him and taking a nap with him right there, on the living room floor

Where the others find them

That’s all I got tbh, but it’s already a lot askjkaj

Bls Hollywood, make it happen