#this post makes me want to wear sunglasses (I’m mentally ill)

[ponchcronch]

This post immediately brings to mind this page of the comic; although, it’s used more from a symbolic perspective than a psychological one. When the glasses are up, his facade of confidence has been built up; when they’re down, the masks been broken.

Heres a fun fact my therapist told me that’s kinda interesting to think about with scourge in mind

Wearing sunglasses when you don’t need to is a way to emotionally distance yourself from others.

The funny thing about it is that It also makes you feel protected, if someone can’t see your eyes they can’t tell how you’re feeling. They can’t tell when your eyes widen because you’re scared or when you tear up because their words hurt. You become unreadable with a shield of something considered “cool”.

Being unreadable, however, makes people subconsciously feel pushed away making it harder to form connections with others. You have to literally take off the feeling of protection to stare into the judging eyes of others.

Ik scourge doesn't actually wear his glasses on his eyes but I still think it's neat lol

he wears them over his eyes sometimes!

but. augh. youre killin me here /pos...all of this def applies to scourge i think

[the-insomniac-emporium]

thoughts on Bela///Donna?

What a lovely can of worms you've placed in my inbox, dear nonnie. I cannot wait to open it and lose followers (regardless of what I actually say).

Since this is, uh, a subject of some debate among RE8 fans, I will be inputting my thoughts on the idea of the ship (and the possible controversy), as opposed to doing HCs or something for it (which I recognize might be what you were asking for, despite the excessive /s).

This is all based on my playthroughs of the game, as well as what I've managed to double check on the fandom/wiki for it. I know that a lot of people who read fanfic for the game haven't actually played it, likely having been lured in by Tall Vampire Milf, and so I hope that some people will be open to a reminder of, like, canon vs fanon? I've mentioned in a previous post that there's a lot of details for RE8 that are not made clear, and I feel the need to reiterate that in this post. Capcom left a lot of stuff up to people's imaginations, or kind of just hinted at in game or in concept art.

But more importantly, regardless of what game we're talking about, regardless of the conclusion I come to (and the one you come to) at the end of this post, I want to say that I absolutely understand the need/desire to have your own perspective/take on the characters from the game, as well as their dynamics. If a ship makes you uncomfortable because you see the characters as being family members, it's totally okay. Block the ship tag, or filter it out when you look through fandom stuff, don't follow people who post for it, etc, etc.

If you think of characters as being family-family (like, not just "we got married and are now a family" but, like, "we're siblings/parent and child") and still ship them? uh. sorry, bruv, maybe think of hitting that unfollow button. No, seriously, hit that unfollow button. This blog is anti-incest, thank you very much.

The last thing I'll say before putting it under a read-more (for both length and major RE8 spoilers) is that I recognize that I might have missed something, either in game or developers talking about things on social media, and so if you read through this and go "god, J, you're such a dumbass for forgetting *critical piece of media*" or even just "okay but have you seen *small but meaningful piece of media*?" please. Just. Please. Tell me. Link me to that shit. I WANT to know if I'm wrong. I've literally avoided talking about this for as long as I could in order to TRY and make sure I have all the context I need.

With that said, let's examine what context we are given for Alcina Dimitrescu, Bela Dimitrescu, Donna Beneviento, and their relations to each other. I will be leaving my personal thoughts on Bela///Donna at the very end of this, as somewhat of a conclusion, somewhat of just a "hey, this is what you technically asked me about".

Firstly, let me begin by explaining what I consider to be the 3 tiers of "canon"

In-Game/Direct: The highest, truest tier, the definitive canon. This is everything that takes place in game, excluding certain hallucination scenes (ex: Mia was not really in House Beneviento, but we can infer some things from what Donna made Ethan hallucinate about). Things either happen, or are directly stated by characters. There's some wiggle room for dialogue, as characters can lie, but overall we, as the audience, assume we are being told the truth. At the very least, games usually eventually make it clear when a character has been dishonest. Examples of Direct Canon include the following: Ethan is infected with the mold, Lady Dimitrescu drinks blood, Heisenberg wears sunglasses, Mother Miranda can shapeshift.

Concept Art/Developer's Notes/Indirect: Mid-tier and debatable, the "we think, but we're not sure" of canon. Resident Evil: Village contains lots of concept art that the players can browse through, all of which include notes from the developers about the game, characters, environments, and story. Sometimes the notes make something "direct", but oftentimes they do not specify whether the listed idea is still canon or if it was removed during development. This tier also includes information that is implied/can be inferred from tier 1 information, but is not directly stated. Examples of Indirect Canon include the following: Donna's mother died by suicide, Moreau was going to have his lover fused to his back, Duke was originally a fifth lord, Heisenberg was going to have a twin. As you can see, not all of the concept art ideas made it into the final version of the game, so it can be hard when some information seems like it might still be true (such as the matter of Donna's parents).

Fanon/"False": Sometimes collective ideas in a fandom become so widespread that people start interpreting them as actual canon. Sometimes it gets hard to remember what's just obscure lore and what's fanon. When we get a piece of fiction as overall vague as a lot of Resident Evil: Village is, there's bound to be some confusion over time. That's one of the main reasons I waited to talk about Bela////Donna until after I had recently replayed relevant sections of the game, as I wanted to remind myself of what we're actually told. Examples of False Canon are difficult to pinpoint, but might include things like: Hufflepuffs are good at finding things? The Avengers got along for awhile and all had their own rooms in the tower? There's a number scale for the danger level of ghosts in Danny Phantom?

For this post, I will be limiting the majority of my notes to the first two levels of canon, and will do my best to mark them as such. Now... let us... begin.

Alcina Dimitrescu:

Born no later than 1914, Alcina Dimitrescu was 44 years old when she was granted the Cadou by Mother Miranda. (1st Tier: Canon. Source: A note in the castle basement from a servant is dated 1958, and mentions both Alcina and her children. Secondly, Miranda's experiment notes state that Alcina was the 181st subject, and was given the Cadou at age 44. By doing math, we can then determine the earliest Alcina could have been born.)

Alcina refers to the other Lords as her family once without any disdain (when Ethan first arrives at the castle and is caught, Alcina says "you've escaped my little brother"). In a private journal (located near where she threw the infamous vanity) she insults the other Lords, and expresses anger that she is "treated like a sister to them". She argues with Heisenberg without any hesitation, and seems honest in her hatred of him (per Maggie Robertson's wunderbar performance). (1st Tier/2nd Tier: Canon with a sprinkle of interpretation for the last line)

Alcina openly refers to Bela, Cassandra, and Daniela as her daughters, and wrote in her experiment journal that she felt instantly connected to them (as mother and daughters). (1st Tier: Canon).

Bela Dimitrescu:

Likely born in the 1930's or 1940's, in order to be an adult by 1958 (the first dated appearance of the Dimitrescu daughters). (2nd Tier: Based on inference)

Dialogue shows that all three of the daughters do love their mother, and reinforces the bond Alcina's journal mentions. (1st Tier: Canon)

We are not given any information about how Bela feels about the other Lords, or even what she knows about them. Once can assume that she shares the ideas of her mother, either because Alcina tells her things directly, or because Bela (who is eager to please her mother) picks up on them over time. (2nd Tier: Based on inference)

Donna Beneviento:

No idea when she was born. If you've read one of my recent posts, then you know that it's almost entirely a matter of 2nd and 3rd tier canon.

Of the four lords, Donna seems to have the most story within the 2nd tier, and has very, very little in the 1st tier. Duke says she's somewhat isolated, and that her "playmates" never leave the house. Miranda's notes state that Donna is mentally ill, and the gardener's diary states/implies (bit of both) that Donna has severe social anxiety. (1st/2nd Tier: Mostly canon)

Supposedly, her parents committed suicide while she was still a child. This is indicated in concept art/the attached developer's notes. However, the only part that's also directly stated in game is that her parents (specifically her father) died while she was young. (1st/2nd Tier: Mostly canon)

While Donna only has one voice line in the game (and it's sad), Angie talks a fair bit. Angie seems to disapprove of the other Lords, or at the very least enjoys mocking them, as well as enjoys watching them fight with each other. As Angie is connected to Donna, and Donna has some level of control over her, one can assume that the two have similar (if not the same) opinions. (1st/2nd Tier: Mostly Canon)

Donna was adopted by Mother Miranda as an adult. It's unclear exactly how old Donna was, or what exactly Miranda did as her "mother", just that Donna was excited about it. (1st Tier: Canon)

Other Relevant Information:

Heisenberg refers to the other Lords as his siblings a minimum of 1 time. Similarly to Alcina, however, he openly insults them and seems to hate them. He just, you know, hates Mother Miranda the most. (1st Tier: Canon)

Mother Miranda does not actually give a shit about the four Lords, intended for them to die before the ceremony, and has been manipulating them for her own gain this entire time. Her notes and dialogue make it clear that she only cares about getting Eva back. Somehow mother of the year and worst mother ever. At the same time. (1st/2nd Tier: Mostly Canon)

It's unclear who treats Alcina "like a sister" to the other Lords. Were there cut lines of dialogue that cemented the idea of them being a "family"? Did Miranda call them a "family" as part of pretending she cared about them? I've done my best to dig around, but there's very little in game that treats them as a family of any sort.

As each Lord ruled their own section of the region, they don't have any mentions of interacting with each other outside of meetings with Mother Miranda. None of the notes for any Lord (and their relevant experiments) mention what the others are doing. In game, their environments are very separate, very well divided, though this is likely as much for gameplay as it is for story.

Conclusion:

I do not not believe there is enough in game evidence to suggest that Alcina and Donna consider themselves to be siblings. There's the possibility for a large age gap, Alcina was a fair bit older than Donna when she met Miranda, Donna is a social recluse whose closest bonds were with dead blood relatives and dolls, Alcina openly dislikes (if not hates) the other Lords, they seemingly lived very separate and distanced lives, and Mother Miranda does not enforce the idea of "family". Furthermore, the sheer contrast between how Alcina interacts with/speaks of the other Lords compared to how she interacts with/speaks of her daughters says a lot about her feelings. Even if Heisenberg takes the brunt of her anger, Alcina never once says anything remotely positive about anyone other than Miranda and her daughters.

As Alcina/Bela and Donna are not blood-relatives, the definition of what would count as "incest" does vary depending on who you ask. Personally, I do count non-blood relations as potentially incestuous. For example: Alcina "dating" one of her daughters would be incest, regardless of the fact that she's a mutated human and her daughters are weird swarms of flies.

Now, I do understand how popular the idea of the four Lords being a real, chaotic but still close family is. And as I mentioned above, it's totally valid to not like the Bela///Donna ship, whether it's because you think they're family or some other reason. I don't personally see them that way, even in my definitely-not-canon stories.

Do I personally ship Bela///Donna? Nope. Have I liked art for the ship? Admittedly yes, even if I thought some of it was, like, maiden x Bela because Donna didn't have her veil and I'm a DUMBASS who doesn't always remember to read tags. Would I ever write for it? Yeah, probably, assuming I didn't miss anything in game/that I don't eventually change my mind.

[echo-bleu]

hello! I saw one of your previous asks and I was wondering if I could ask you for some writing help too! I have an autistic character that i love, but I'm not sure how to convey that this character is autistic in a way that feel aunthentic and organic instead of stereotyped, specially since she's a girl and I haven't seen many (accurate) representations of autistic girls in the media. I've seen videos about autistic people and they've been very helpful on what not to do, but + I would still love

to get some of the 'do's' what i have so far is that she has a Fixation on the sea, she has a hard time reading sarcasm and/or emotions in others, and she has an overall seemingly 'detached' personality (even if I wouldn't call her that, since she cares about the people she loves, she's just bad at putting it into words). I jsut want to make sure i'm on the right path! thank you so much for listening and I hope this is not a bother!

Hi Anon! I’m not bothered at all and I’m happy to answer this kind of ask. As always, I can only speak for myself, but I’ll try to give you a few pointers. (The previous ask mentioned is this one.)

First, it’s lovely to hear about an autistic girl! I’m not sure if you’re speaking about an adult or a child/teenager, but either way, it can be interesting to read about how autism can look a bit different in women. The gender distinction that has often been made is something I don’t agree with because I feel that it’s an unnecessary shortcut, but a number of autistic people, in majority women and people socially perceived as female, learn to “adapt” more to neurotypical standards by masking their autistic traits a lot, and might not be detected as autistic until adulthood. Masking takes a lot of energy, which can translate as feeling “socially exhausted” all the time and lead to burnout. This article list traits that can be found that are less common and obvious. It is far from perfect imo, but it can give you new ideas!

You didn’t really say if your character is a main or a side character (which changes the amount of detail you’ll want to go into) but so far to me you seem to be on the right track! Having a hard time reading people is something a lot of us struggle with. It might not just be sarcasm, btw, understanding metaphors and jokes can also be hard. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have a sense of humor: it’s entirely possible to be able to use sarcasm and struggle with noticing it when it comes from other people, and a lot of autistic people have a very developed and specific sense of humor that can be seen as odd.

The “detached” personality is something you may have to handle with care because lack of empathy is a harmful stereotype. Maybe look up the difference between cognitive and affective empathy. Some of us do struggle with empathy, many of us struggle with expressing it in a way that’s comprehensible to neurotypicals, but it doesn’t mean that we lack it. It’s fine for your character to struggle with it, but be careful that she doesn’t end up seeming cold/robotic if she’s not the POV character.

Now for some “do’s”: I’m only going to talk about autistic traits here and assume that you’ve fleshed her out with an actual personality outside of her autism, just like you would any other character.

- I agree that it has to come up organically, but it would be a lot better in terms of representation to make her explicitly autistic, ie use the word autistic. It doesn’t have to be at the beginning of the story. If you’re in a fantasy setting or for some other reason you can’t use the actual word, then describing something like neurodiversity would be a good way to make it explicit. In fanfic, I personally think that tagging “autistic [character]” is enough if the fic is short(ish) and the word isn’t used in the story but the character’s autism is fairly clear, but in an original story, you don’t really have that possibility.

- Something I like to do when coming up with original autistic characters is to choose a few specific stims from them, that regularly come back in my descriptions. It falls under the same umbrella as choosing mannerisms, it gives characters their own specific flavor. You can choose a happy stim, a nervous stim and a bored stim, for example. Autistics stim a lot and in a lot of ways, but I think most of us have a few stims that come back often. It can be things like chewing on a toy/finger, flapping in a specific way, rocking on their heels, twirling hair, fidgeting with a toy or jewelry.

- Sensory differences. It’s also something that you can choose for your character: maybe she likes to listen to music very loudly, and often speak a little too loudly, or on the contrary she’s hyperacusic. She might wear sunglasses outside, or need lights on all the time. She might need subtitles to understand a movie, or be super distracted by sparkly things. She might not make eye contact, or make it too much, or seem to make it by looking somewhere close to the person’s eyes. She might find touch painful or difficult, or seek it constantly, or both (can depend on the moment, how tired she is, or if she trusts the person).

- Like I’ve said before, meltdowns/shutdowns are a delicate thing to portray if you’re not autistic yourself, but overloading can and does happen without going all the way to either of them. It’s actually fairly frequent, and happens when there is too much sensory (or emotional) stimuli at the same time or a too long day or something. From the inside, it can look like struggling to think, feeling like your skin is crawling, feeling like everything is too much, and struggling to initiate actions/figure out the steps to do something. From the outside, it can look like the person is rejecting touch, needs to isolate themself, is irritated, might struggle to speak/be very quiet. As long as the character isn’t mocked for their behavior, I think it’s something you can portray without too much risk.

- A specific interest about the sea is a nice idea! The sea is a very large subject, though, so she’ll probably have a predilection for some things. Is it water currents? Fish species? Underwater plants? Beaches? There’s a lot of options to choose from here.

- Maybe think about co-occuring conditions, because most of us have at least one. Some are very hard to distinguish from autism itself, like dyspraxia or ADHD, because they’re linked or similar to autistic traits. A lot of us are also disabled in some other way:  for example there’s a clear (though unexplained) link between autism and hyperflexibility, which can lead to joint pain, gut issues and chronic illnesses like EDS. Many of us have mental illnesses, growing up autistic in this world is honestly traumatizing and it’s hard to find autistics without some kind of C-PTSD or anxiety (on that subject, this post points out that the current diagnostic criteria can probably only diagnose traumatized autistic people anyway).

- A pretty good portrayal of an autistic girl (and to my knowledge the only one where the actor is also autistic) is Matilda in Everything’s Gonna be Okay. I didn’t actually watch until the end and I’ve been told the last episode isn’t great, but the start was pretty good. She’s a teenager, and at one point gets a girlfriend who is also autistic and has a service dog. In Elementary, while Sherlock is only autistic-coded, there is at one point (season 4 I believe) a recurring character named Fiona who I thought was a pretty good portrayal as well. She’s an adult, and she’s stereotypical in some ways but it’s better than most portrayals I’ve seen or read.

I would advise you to have a look through the blog @cripplecharacters. They answer asks about disabled characters, and I know they have answered a number of questions about autism and have at least one autistic mod. Their answers are usually very interesting!

[off-in-the-moors]

Joseph Kavinsky analysis, part 2

aka no voice and no dream pack

Warnings: spoilers for the whole Raven Cycle, mentions of: drug-use, abuse, death, s*cid, xenophobia

Part 1 // Part 2

Before starting, I wanted to thank for likes and support, not only on part 1 but also on my other posts. I was writing this more for the catharsis, after months of seeing and not really speaking about a lot of stuff. It’s nice to know, somebody read it. Some say, Kavinsky is their comfort character and, well, he will stay with me for a very long time. But enough of that. Let's talk about the point of view, xenophobia and the Dream Pack.

PoV

The running motif in TRC is, all antagonists get PoVs. No matter if they appear in one book (like Whelk) or reoccur (like the Greenmatles). The reader gets multiple chapters with their backstories, internal thoughts and goals. This move by the author is a double-edged sword, on one hand we get a better understanding of them but on the other, by knowing them better they become less effective antagonists and the air of mystery and surprise of what they're up-to/what they know is lost. E.g. In TDT we are first told about Colin Greenmatle and what is he capable of, making him a good threat for our main characters. But when we finally meet him in BLLB, with his attitude and scenes like dissing Ronan's Latin grammar or making cheese crackers while his wife is held at gun-point, he becomes more of a comedic antagonist than a villain to fear.

But here's the thing: I already lied to you. In TRC, all antagonists get PoVs, except for Kavinsky. It's a odd exception from the rule, considering Gray Man in TDT and The Wasp Demon in The Raven King, also got PoVs. But why? There are two things to look at. One I already mentioned. By giving a character PoV, the reader gets better understanding of them. By not giving Kavinsky one, Margaret didn't give anything to make K or his actions clear or understandable. By not knowing his motivations, K is left to pure interpretations, but how the reader will do it mostly will be influenced by his demonetization. Of course, not everybody will just accept what the book tells them without thinking for themselves but most fans don't.

"Bang", he said softly, withdrawing the fake gun. "See you on the street."

Alone, this single line can be interpreted in many different ways. Is it K being angry and threatening Ronan? Or maybe Joseph breaking inside because he was proofen, he really has no one? It all depends on the reader.

Second, when asked on her tumblr, if she'll ever write anything from K's pov (in 2015, before The Raven King was published), M*ggie said she won't, because: she already explored that type of character ("the thoughts and motivations of a powerful, suicidal, creative person with few inhibitions") in Sinner (2014, spin-off/companion book of her older series, The Wolves of Mercy Falls, 2009-2011 for the main three) with Cole St. Clair; that writing through PoV of such character is emotionally and mentally draining for her (which is understandable); and even if she wanted to explore it again in the future, she would through a different character's lenses than K's.

Let's talk about St. Clair.

The characters of Cole and Kavinsky have some similarities: both are drug addicts, who are rich.

That's where they end.

Cole was a famous musician, having the stereotypical rock-star life (drugs, alcohol and sleeping with fans included) with good family relationships, while K was a son of a mobster who tried to kill him and a mother who was a drug-addict herself. While their perspectives would have similarities, there is also other problems. Cole St. Clair already got PoVs in his series and a stand-alone book, Joseph Kavinsky got nothing and will get nothing. Cole had friends that cared for him and helped him, Joseph Kavinsky had his Dream Pack (which whom we don't know what type of relation he had) and his customers who we can safely say, only cared for what he can provide them with, he tried to befriend or start a relation with Ronan who rejected even the idea of it and no one even reached out to him. Cole got his happy ending and (hinted at) a girl he loved, K got rejected by everyone and committed public suicide. (Now, I heard a opinion that K didn't commit suicide, because the dragon killed him. Here is the thing, K could move out of the way multiple times, even Ronan shouted to him to move. But he didn't. He watched the dragon fly towards him and just said "The world is a nightmare.". He choose death.)

People wanted K's PoV, because they wanted to know, what pushed him to do what he did in TDT. But, in my opinion, even if M*ggie gave K pov, she would use it to further demonize him than to make the reader understand him more. She already did write a whole post exaggerating and straw-manning the canon, just to also say "Kavinsky has a very logical backstory that leads him to this place". A backstory we as the reader never truly see and one she forgot to write into her book. At the end, she truly cared only about Ronan.

Xenophobia

The Raven Cycle is a very flawed and problematic series, there are already many other posts taking about racism, misogyny, lack of diversity and many other issues with it, but in regards to Kavinsky, I'll only touch on the xenophobia. (I could talk also about portray of metal-illness, but I'm not the person to talk about it and I would feel comfortable with it.)

Kavinsky is a stereotype of a Slavic person, one we see in American media since the Cold War, especially in 80s movies. The Evil Russian trope. The son of the mobster, drug-addict, forger who can get you anything even illegal stuff, a thief.

When describing Kavinsky, one of the things Ronan mentions is: "refugee's face, hollowed-eyed and innocent". One could argue, "refugee" has many meanings, but boiling it down, is a person who came to the country to escape and seek a refuge. Many people moved to America to find a better life, in the believe of the American Dream, and many of them where driven to do that, especially from ex-Eastern Bloc countries. Kavinsky's Bulgarian, unknown if an immigrant himself or a son of immigrants, but the point still stands.

About Blue’s comment "import from somewhere else" I don't need to say much. First, obvious: You don't import people, only foreign goods, like cars. Second: this shows, he is "the other" in the eyes of the characters.

There is more to it, then just the physical description. We need to look at the outfit he wears. White tank top, white sunglasses, a small earring in one ear and a gold chain around his neck. This gives two images: one of a typical douche-bag, party asshole and the rich kid; the second of a Slavic stereotype, especially of a Russian criminal. If Margaret wanted to make K even bigger stereotype, she would dress him like a dress/gopnik, in a tracksuit.

The thing is: M*ggie could had saved the situation if she had subverted the stereotypes. E.g. K didn't wanting anything to do with the crime live, his family was forced into by circumstances or K being the guy to get stuff from, but he isn't doing it for any gain.

The truth is, K being Bulgarian doesn't add anything to his character, except for xenophobia. (Personally, I tried to find where the surname "Kavinsky" came from. It is Slavic, that much I can tell you for sure, but the rest is my speculation and searching. My best guesses are: Russian (it appears most commonly in Russian, after USA and a use in Russia set novel) or Polish (because it has uncanny simulates to the surname "Kawiński", if it was anglicized like e.g. "Kamiński" into "Kaminsky"). This isn't a common surname and with Peter from the To All the Boys trilogy and the musician, it's hard to find any information.)

But for now, K's portray is one of the many issues.

The Dream Pack or the lack of it

The Dream Pack is the unofficial name for K's group, with whom he parties and races (the canon name is "Kavinsky's Pack of Dogs" which is ugh). They're unfortunately, a non-characters. It's bolt to even call them background characters. Their portray, or again, lack of it, leaves them as props, their only role is to be K's followers and to show K as a leader on a equal ground as Gansey. We're lead to believe, they are like Kavinsky, yet another raven boys, and to make are main characters so “not like the other raven boys”. Problem rises in connection to the previous point, out of four members, only one has an English surname.

Prokopenko is a Ukrainian surname and for his description, we get "ears like wingnuts", "crooked shoulders" and his voice as "milky with drugs". It's said he had "recently attained official crony status", and was noted being in close desecrate to K for a while. Later we discover Proko is a forgery, a dream creature like Matthew and Aurora. It's heavily implied the real Prokopenko is dead, but if K had something to do with it, is unknown. He is the only character to "chortle", which Margaret said she hates and also "fratty boys and the chortling men they turn into". From this we can deduce, that not only the Dream Pack and people at K's parties but all raven boys (with the exception of the main characters) were writen like this on purpose as the personification of everything M*ggie hates. We are also informed, he drives a Golf.

Skov, who according to a deleted scene, full name is Blake Skovron, is polish (or at least anglicized version of it). In said deleted scene he's described as "major asshole, minor bigot" (unfortunately I couldn't find it to confirm it). The only canon stuff about him is: he drives a RX-7 (Mazda RX-7).

Jiang is Chinese, making him one of three canon Asian characters we see in the series (not counting Henry's father, because he's just mentioned, same goes for the Vancouver crowd). Like Proko, his role is a little bigger. In the Raven King, after Ronan finally returns to school after a long time of skipping, he tells him: "Hey, man, I thought you'd died". Ronan doesn't respond, but tells the reader he doesn't want to see Jiang outside of his car, racing. The only other thing we know about him: he drives a Supra (Toyota Supra).

Swan is the only one with an English name, but all we know about him is: he drives Volkswagen Golf, one that matches Proko's.

(For future writers: what car a character drives, isn't a personality trait.)

With the already minimal diversity, this shows the non-Americans as the antagonists or at least "the worst". On the opposite side, we have our main characters. Richard Campbell Gansey III, who has the whitest and British name I ever saw; Adam Parrish, born and raised in Henrietta, Virginia; Ronan Lynch, son of a Irish immigrant, whose Irish identity starts and ends on tit-bits; Blue Sargent, who is half-tree and ambiguous, but was drawn as white by the author multiple times (Yes, I am aware of the Instagram post, but Margaret herself said, she isn't confirming anything that isn't already written in her books. She couldn't even confirm Adam's hair color and made a joke out of it.) The only exception is Noah Czerny, whose surname is Slavic (probably Czech), but this bares no effect on his character.

The Dream Pack are the whole communities babies, created by head-canons and fanons, their relations with Kavinsky and themselves are explored, who they are as people, their appearance, their interests... This is beautiful how many different versions and interpretations of non-existing characters is there. (I, myself also made a version for a rewrite, based partly on the fanon.)

But at the end of the day, the fans did the author's job of creating believe friend group and in the end, their only function was to show, Kavinsky is a king, just like Gansey.

[mimzy-writing-online]

Hey!! I was wondering if you had any advice for a character concept I've been playing with? :) long story short, my character wasn't born blind, but throughout the story she progressively becomes blind from cataracts- cortical vision impairment to be exact. Is this inherently a bad concept? I really don't want to misrepresent this, and the last thing I want is to make people mad about it. Is there a way I should go about this? Thanks!!

Later message from same Anon: Hey! Just following up on my ask of writing a blind character in the Victorian era- sorry if I missed it

Note: in a message between the first and third, anon added that this story takes place in the Victorian era.

You certainly did not miss it, I’ve just been lazy (struggling) with blog maintenance and have been procrastinating answering several asks.  Historical fiction is out of my area of expertise, so this required more research than general advice.

Also, my first and second attempts at an answer were eaten away by computer/tumblr difficulties, so I had to rewrite a lot.

I think it is a fantastic idea to have your character go blind slowly over time. It is also ambitious, so it is something you need to be careful with, but it’s totally doable.

So the era throws me a little because I’ve never had much practice with historical fiction and history wasn’t a fave subject of mine. Most of my research into blind history has been after World War I, because the sudden surge of blinded veterans changed the course of history for the blind community. This and technology overall led to those huge changes.

So I did a little reading up on the recent evolutions of blindness and the world’s general understanding of it in the 1800s.

Conclusion: society was shit with disability, but I already knew that. There were some remarkable inventions and innovations for blindness in this century, which I will get to later.

 So this post will be: 1. The more personal aspects of going blind over time (instead of all at once) such as acceptance vs denial, life changes, and internalized ableism. 2. Speculating on society’s perception of the blind. 3. Innovations for the blind in that era and what comes after.

 So, part one. The Emotional…

As someone who has slowly lost vision over the course of years and has no idea how far this will progress, I can tell you that it’s an agonizing process of realization, denial, understanding, acceptance, adaption.

Realizing you’re going blind comes in small pieces that eventually add up to become a puzzle. And for this reason, adaption follows a similar pattern.

You identify a problem, feel conflicted about this change, wonder if you should ignore or investigate, and regardless of which path you take, you find a new way to adapt.

I’m going to use an example of my process through this, so you can see the actual thought patterns and how they circle between “this isn’t a problem” – “wait this is a problem” – “no I’m fine!” – “this is a problem.” – “I’m fine, what am I complaining for” – “I made this change and now my life is 100x easier??? Who knew? Why didn’t I do this sooner?”

Example from my life: Light is bright. That hurts but I’m fine. I get sunglasses. The pain with bright light is getting worse. Okay, that’s concerning, maybe I should talk to a doctor. Doctor says I’m fine but now I’m thinking I’m not okay. Why are my eyes doing this? Why do I hurt? Oh, and now bright lights at night are becoming a problem, and I get more headaches associated with light. I could wear sunglasses at night and indoors, but society has given me a negative and judgemental opinion of that, so I don’t want to do it. Best friend pushes me to give up on that negative view for the sake of my health. Finally I listen and life feels much better, but I’m still a little uncomfortable with this change. I feel very blind with my sunglasses, but that’s the only way to not feel pain. And now I feel blind when I’m not wearing any light protection, but I’m in pain this way. What’s wrong with me?

And this is just my internal argument with sunglasses and light sensitivity, from age 17-22. On the other side is my struggle with “do I need a cane” from age 21-22, which goes like this-

It’s August and I’m walking through a semi-familiar but gigantic and ridiculously crowded park with a group of friends. It’s bright out and I need to wear my sunglasses. And now I’m realizing there is a dilemma. I can’t see. My sunglasses are too dark to see. But going without is painful and just as bad vision wise. BUT I CAN’T SEE! I’m scared, I’m going to run into someone or something, I’ll get lost or separated from my friends and not be able to find them. I can’t see curbs or pillars or people and the only thing keeping me safe is holding onto K, who knows my current vision situation when no one else does

And I think to myself- this day would be so much easier if I had a cane.

But I haven’t needed one before, and I don’t ‘normally’ need one. Just every time I go outside on a sunny day. I don’t need it all the time, so I can’t have one, I’m fine.

But these things keep happening, where I’m outside and terrified but I think I’m still “sighted” and my only problem is some light sensitivity and not-super-great sunglasses. My glasses let me see 20/20 (or they did, which they did not a year later) so I definitely don’t need a cane at all.

Young past self, you were so wrong. You needed that.

Eventually I had a breaking point when one year later I’m seeing 20/50 with best correction (so, by legal definitions I’m not even visually impaired yet) but I’m terrified of leaving my house and can’t travel alone and am a literal danger to myself because I can’t see and can’t tell people I can’t see because of social anxiety and internalized ableism-

And the breaking point was that I finally got seriously hurt because I was in a situation where I couldn’t see and wasn’t brave enough to ask my current company to be a sighted guide. That’s the day I ordered a cane, and when it came two weeks ago, I finally remembered what it’s like to not be so terrified for my life every time I left my home.

Your character will over time find problems with her daily life that she didn’t have before, and she’ll deal with each one individually, but with all of them will usually be a repeating thought pattern that is unique to her. It depends on her internalized ableism and society’s ableism (and that era is full of it) and accommodations available to them at the time (also not great).

She’ll solve each problem at a different point that may coincide with other problems and yet still seem like entirely separate problems to them. Like how I wouldn’t relate my need for sunglasses and my need for a cane at the same time because they felt like separate battles to me with their own timelines and similar but still different thought processes.

You will have to decide on a case by case basis what accommodations or accessibility she can have at that time.

 Society’s view on blindness:

It’s shit.

It’s not great now, in the world of information available at your fingertips. It’s desperately worse in history.

 (TW: abuse of disabled people mentioned -thoroughly- in the next two paragraphs)

Everyone with a disability was treated like shit. Sensory disabilities (Deaf or Blind or Deafblind people) and mental illness were treated the worst. There is historical religious persecution against them, saying that they were made ill by the devil or a vengeful God. Which lead to abuse. They were seen as helpless or unproductive, defective, and so were treated as burdens upon their family and society. Because of this, abuse from parents and family members was horribly common for disabled people. Disabled people were often left in asylums by their family members because they were seen as a burden, where there was usually still more abuse to come.

There are still children with disabilities who are abused by their parents, families, care givers, or any facility they’ve been placed in. The cases of abuse are less, but by no means over.

 Ableism in general is just rampant and it’s only cured through the distribution of information. Most people (today) have never met a blind person in real life, had a conversation with one. Through the internet they can find information, but in pre-internet and media eras I can’t imagine how much ignorance runs about.

Most people think blindness is something that only happens with old age, birth defects, or tragic accidents. Or that blindness is obvious in a person. Not the case, as we both know, but certainly a cause for many misunderstandings.

 This section is where the development of technology and understanding of blind people begins, but there’s still some ugly history involving abuse of the disabled to come.

Technology and History

 (TW: abuse towards historical disabled people in next paragraph)

In 1785 the Institut National des Jeunes Aveugles, the world’s very first school for the blind was established in Paris, France. It was opened internationally to children who society had previously deemed unteachable. Valentin Haüy witnessed acts of bullying and cruelty done to blind hospice patients and it inspired him to attempt teaching a blind beggar. He taught the boy to read through raised letters (because Braille was not yet invented). The school he founded could better be described as a trade school, because its primary purpose was to teach work skills like letter press and weaving (going back to Valentin’s childhood, whose family worked as weavers)

Due to criminal activity (he was labeled as a terrorist related to the French Revolution and was a member of the Panthéon Club) he was forced to leave the school in 1802. He later moved to Russia (1806) and began a new school upon the request of Alexander I of Russia.

(TW: child abuse mention in next paragraph)

After his leave, the school had a change in leadership and location, and subsequently quality. Sébastien Guillié became the new director and was later forced to leave because of the inhumane conditions of the facility and welfare of the children. Those children lived in a French Revolution prison that was refurbished as an asylum/school for their education. It was cold and dirty. They were kept in the dark, only allowed to bathe once a month, and poorly fed. This went on until 1821 when he was forced to leave.

Louis Braille (the inventor of Braille) was a student of the school until Guillié’s reign of terror.

The school was later moved to Boulevard des Invalides, and it remains there today. Information with this school is hard for me to access. It doesn’t have the prettiest history, so I can only speculate how much was left out of the books to save the school, and what information I could access is in French.

However, back to Braille.

Braille was invented by Frenchman Louis Braille in 1824. Before his invention, he was taught to read through raised lettering, and he concluded that raised lettering was impractical because-

1.       It is difficult to read, the letters had to be printed in huge font to be fully felt out and printed on thick paper.

2.       Thick paper means higher quality, more expensive. Larger font means more paper is needed for a single text.

3.       This made it inaccessible due to expense and the sheer volume of a text.

4.       If today’s Braille books are hard to access and giant compared to traditional books, I can’t imagine how inaccessible those raised letter books really were

 Five years later The Perkins School for the Blind was founded in America, making education accessible to blind and deafblind children, and this time it focused on reading and mathematics, more education than trade school.

Though it would not have been possible for your character to attend the school herself, it could be possible that she became acquainted with a teacher or former student of either school, who might have passed on some O&M skills to her or some not so pleasant tales.

Side note: the Perkins Brailler (a typewriter machine for Braille) was developed by a wood working teacher at the Perkins School for the Blind – in 1951, so not applicable to your character’s time period, but I didn’t know this, so I must info-dump

 This is before the eugenics movement of 20th century America, when the belief that people with “poor breeding” should be prevented from breeding. The eugenics movement targeted not only the disabled, but lower class and people of color.

  The white cane as an accessibility tool was not “discovered” until the 1930’s by Philip Strong, who painted his walking stick white to make himself more visible. This piece of history is a little flimsy in my opinion. Techniques are discovered and lost and rediscovered all the time. You can’t prove he was the first person to “wave a stick” in front of him to find obstacles.

But he is credited for making the white cane something that could be a standard identifier to tell people (moving obstacles) “hey, I’m blind, don’t hit me with your loud vehicle” and made a movement of other people getting white canes to identify themselves.

I very much thank him for it, seeing as I’m so sighted-passing sometimes. If white canes weren’t standard everyone-must-know-what-this-means sort of thing, I think people would just watch me “wave a stick” around and think I’d lost my mind.

(TW: suicide of disabled character mention in next paragraph)

So when you see something like in Downton Abby (season 2) when Thomas and Sybil are trying to teach a blinded soldier how to use a cane to navigate… it could be possible, something that actually occurred to some people then. Although, now that I think about it, that character killed himself by the end of the episode and that still upsets me.

Downton Abby got the period-typical ableism right, I will give them that. Both the internalized ableism as well as how strangers treat you, they got that right. What they did to their disabled characters still bothers me (i.e. death and cure subplots)

(TW has been lifted, you made it past.)

But with World War 1, there was a huge number of blinded veterans entering the world and that did make way for big changes in the world of blindness-

Within a few decades guide dogs were being trained, white canes were becoming a thing, Schools for the Blind were thinking, “hey, maybe we should teach adults these skills too!” and life continued on until it eventually reached out modern world. Which, not applicable to your era, but I think it’s important to know what wasn’t available or common knowledge for your character.

If anyone has other information about historical fiction, the Victorian era, and historical ableism and disability, please feel free to reblog with your input and I’ll reblog it.

As always, this post can be found on my blog through the tags: reference, blind character, historical fiction

[uricl]

NEW POST ( 2/19/2020 )

I hung out with him one night a few years back. He is very conscious of his reputation and goes out of his way to act gentlemanly. He’s funny and makes a lot of jokes in person. I would say more but don’t want to reveal who I am as I’m still close with some members of his team.

He made a joke about his dick size and then profusely apologized (again - super self conscious about his reputation), let us wear his sunglasses in the club, sang along loudly to his own music on the radio in the car, laughed at all our jokes too. He’s a goofball for sure. It’s funny all the guys with the worst reputations have been the nicest in person and the guys with happy-go-lucky reputations are the worst (ahem, Kid Cudi…)

It is true he was doing cocaine in front of Royalty. His friends do drugs around her but Nia didn’t file a protective order that I know of. She was blackmailing him for more money. Nia smashed most of his friend and a few other famous celebs before running off somewhere.

He is just complex asf..especially since he had another baby. Right now he refuses to hang with any other girl that isn’t Nikia.

I met Uriel when I lived in Miami…he got his friend to get my number for him at LIV. We hung out for maybe three months, and most of the time we didn’t do anything sexual honestly. He would just invite me over to watch movies or something. I think he’s really lonely. He also does a shit ton of ketamine, lean, and cocaine. This was during the time when he was dating nika…I didn’t know about her but then again he is uriel cain so I assumed he was messing around with a ton of girls. He doesn’t like using condoms…I’ll tell you that.

He has a million arcade games in his house and he has racks of clothing everywhere (in the halls, in the kitchen, in the living room) you can barely walk around. But overall he was actually…sweet. Respectful. Always made sure I was taken care of. We kind of just fell off because he’s a totally different person on drugs

🔴 WE’VE GOT THE TEA FOR YOU.

his family has been trying to get Uriel some help for a long time. His issues are deeper then being immature he has SERIOUS dark issues.

i have specific details about his abuse. It wasn’t normal spankings. One instance that I this person gave me is that his stepdad took his head and slammed it into the wall. The person I knew said that he was severely abused and that his step father used to lock him in closets whenever he was upset.

He once admitted a few years back that he “lost his virginity” at 8 years old to a 14 year old girl. The fact that he willingly admitted it to the world proves that he thinks there was nothing wrong with a 14 year old sexually assaulting an 8 year old.

His stylist says he hardly eats. I think that’s bad since he does cardio and dances frequently but I’m not sure.

My friend who works for Uriel always stresses that he is by far the nicest and warm hearted people to work with. He has helped my friend with so much financially and emotionally. He’s provided opportunities to my friend when he was struggling and I know that he has helped many of his employees with financial stuff and with there kids schooling.

Ive always thought he has BPD but who knows for sure. He’s diagnosed as bipolar and has a severe case of PTSD. But maybe being bipolar mixed with the issues he has and self medicating with cocaine/crack has something to do with that. Im pretty sure he’s a pill popper (xan) too based on what this person was telling me.

Uriel never wanted to be a musician he actually wanted to play basketball professionally.

Also Uriel hit his mom as an adult not a child.

Uriel took both of those girls around his family alot. Im not sure about this since I didnt ask. Uriel’s mom loved Zhara (who did spoil his family especially the kids and his mom) and hated Avery.

Uriel can be one of the nicest and friendliest people, per everyone I’ve known that knows him (NOTE: this does not negate the facts of his abusive and poor behavior). There’s a reason he still has so many friends and supporters in the industry and in his private life; when he’s straight, he’s a pretty decent person at heart. But dealing with anybody with his kind of demons is scary and unpredictable. Some legitimate Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit. Untreated mental illness mixed with teenage fame, constant public criticism, some enabling in his circle, and drugs will do a hell of a number on a person.

The tea on lipstick alley may have some truth to it, Uriel entourage and even his family as a history of spilling his most inner dark secrets to TMZ, TSR, and many other gossip blogs to collect a coin. It doesn’t matter how many of his cleaners he sends in to clean up the threads/post on him it doesn’t matter. Uriel is an extremely private person for a reason, and sadly the public will never get much of a chance to see the true Uriel. His life has been nothing but a struggle since the day he was born, his problems have always been existent. Zhara WAS NEVER the cause of his problems and his family will always love her to pieces and he still loves her as a friend until this day. But I supposed Uriel was born to be just a handsome tragedy. The only reason why Uriel still as a career is because of Deleon, if it was for him Uriel’s fame would have burnt out a long time ago. Uriel blames his mom for the many issues he has now, how would you feel if your mother just stood by and watched her new husband beat on you? Yes, Uriel has a big-heart, yes he is kind and generous, but untreated mental illness mixed with teenage fame, constant criticism, along with enabling and drugs will do a toll on a person.

NEW POST ( 12/7/2018 )

Leilani Uriel’s former fling did an interview with TMZ and spoke about her relationship with the singer. She said the two were very close and could have been something more if she didn’t step away from him. She said women who have petite and have more oriental features or small features seem to be more attractive to Uriel than most girls with an average body shape. Even though Uriel as fucked woman outside of his type those are the type of woman he tends to go for more. Uriel requires all of his girls not to be a homie hopper’s, have a big mouth and run to blogs, and at least spend time with him for at least 3 weeks. But for the three weeks you spend with him he will spoil you with trips and constant shopping. Uriel loves woman that have something going for themselves but still want the help of a man, Uriel likes to take care of those he’s affiliated with, so as long you don’t break the rules all will be well.

Leilani spilled the tea when it came to Winter and Uriel’s relationship and said it wasn’t what it seemed. After Winter caught Uriel in bed with another woman and attempted to fight said girl, that’s when things turned ugly. Uriel gave winter to shop with to make up for his mistake, but winter wasn’t having it and threatened to fuck Uriel’s friend Capo to make Uriel jealous. When they got back to LA a few weeks later Winter left the harem and Uriel kept a professional relationship with her just for her to come back a few days later, and then leave the harem again two days later. Uriel and Winter never had sex after the New York incident and Winter went outside of the harem to get fucked. Countless times Winter threatened to buy Uriel out of the development contract he had signed to her to, when she had the money to buy him out she did. And that pretty much ended their relationship.

[annieelainey]

CW: alcohol abuse, body dysmorphia disorder⁣, disordered eating, mental illness ⁣ Since the beginning of the year I've dreaded doing a 2009/2019 comparison. ⁣ ⁣ In 2009 I was aggressively photo shopping myself and my features to be smaller, went through periods of not eating, I was still mostly closeted, I was drinking until I got sick, I embarrassed myself, I endangered myself, and hurt people around me, and I can't apologize enough for that.⁣ ⁣ Aside from 2002, 2009 was the year I hit my lowest low in regards to my mental health, body dysmorphia disorder, depression, anxiety, not wanting to exist, and alcohol abuse... both lingering into 2010, I'm sure, it's tough to recall. I just associate all these "where were you at the beginning of the decade?" posts with one of the darker periods of my life.⁣ ⁣ It wasn't all dark, it was a chaotic carnival ride full of ups and downs. I have lots of beautiful, magical, and joyful memories from that time too. In the winter of 2009 I got my first wake up call that launched a non-linear path to recovery. ⁣ ⁣ It's 2019 and there is no way I could’ve predicted I’d be who I am right now; how far I have come in my BDD recovery, being so damn queer and not giving a heck, how much kinder I am to myself, that the most alcohol I’ve had in the last 6 months was just on 3 occasions and a safe/appropriate amount, oh, or that I’d be a wheelchair user, diagnosed with disabilities, and advocating for disabled justice almost full-time.⁣ ⁣ I’m honored and humbled to be here, to be actively healing, and to be sharing this space and time with you. Onward to 2020, to more healing, more self-discoveries, and working our best to make positive changes in the world in big and small ways. Thankful you are here with me.⁣ ⁣ ⁣ 2019 photo by @kevinmezaphotography⁣ ⁣ ⁣ [Image Description: side by side a photo of Annie in 2009 with blonde highlights, blue contacts, and a tight dress. Her body is altered to be smaller. Then a photo of Annie in 2019 using a power chair and wearing black overalls and blue sunglasses and smiling.]⁣ https://www.instagram.com/p/B6mhciUgvKp/?igshid=1m8cqmb45xtgd

[modelronpagame]

Do Androids Dream Of Happy Endings? || SA mdl 001 || Epilogue

Change was a constant fixture of life, artificial or otherwise. In one moment, you can feel like you’re satisfied with everything you’ve already done in life, but in the next you’d realize that it has only been the first peak of your life so far, and there’s always room for more to come.

In the months that followed, that was the perception that followed one Kazunari ‘Kaz’ Aikawa as the paramedic returned to working life in the public service sector. To the surprise of many, however, the blonde soon announced his intentions of giving up his career as a full-time EMT, citing physical trauma that he had been subjected to over the course of their imprisonment in the confines of the Hope’s Peak’s Most Excellent modelling agency. It didn’t mean he would be stepping out of healthcare forever, as instead, he would now be pushing his focus towards developing robotics in field medicine, working closely with former ex-SHSL Social Roboticist Mina Choi to further research into intelligent prosthetics.

In a way, things certainly seemed to work out in the end. The prodigal child who inherited the legacies of his parents had finally found what many thought was his true calling in life, and as Kazunari slowly made his way to the forefront of the research facility that he had pioneered, he also demonstrated his first prototype: the orthopaedic “roboots” that gave him the ability to walk again in just no time at all after months of self-confinement to a wheelchair for recovery. Thus, the opening of Aikawa Biosynthetics went off without a hitch, though it would be amiss to say that no one noticed the subtle, miniscule changes.

Casual observers noted that Kazunari seemed more ill at ease and sickly lately than he had in many previous appearances and interviews. It was quite plausible, even pitiable; given what the students of the illustrious academy had suffered, it did look like the effects of the tragedy had finally caught up and taken its toll on the prodigy’s health, both physical and mental. Prayers and gifts came in large supply, wishing the ex-paramedic good fortune in his pursuits, and soon enough the hype died down, as most things not affecting the zeitgeist tended to.

Observant individuals noticed something else, though there was little they could do about it. Within the sea of tabloids and theories emerged a post that gained some traction, hinting that this Kazunari Aikawa was not the man he purported to be. After all, it was a tad bit convenient that a pair of contact lenses could have hidden his blue eyes for so long, or that press photos of the day after the students were freed showed that there had been absolutely no sign of the purported physical trauma he had supposedly endured in HPME. Whispers that his retirement came from being unable to keep up the duplicity or that the Aikawa family had paid someone else to do what their son could not, but ultimately nothing bore fruit. After all, it had been on public record that Kazunari Aikawa had been quite alive for the last eighteen, almost nineteen active years of his life. How could someone so prolific simply be replaced all of a sudden?

And those of you who know this man to be a stranger, also know why he’s standing in the podium spot where your old friend, nemesis, classmate and EMT was supposed to be. For all intents and purposes, it seemed like KZA mdl 005 “Zaizen”, otherwise better known as ‘Kaz’, had disappeared. Because it was almost like the android had never existed in the first place.

Almost.

“Anything to declare, mister-?”

“Aizawa.” The man confidently replied. “Suzukaze Aizawa. But please, call me Kaz. I’m here with my colleagues from work to enjoy a holiday. Is that enough of a declaration for you?”

The customs officer stared at him. He stared back at her, smiling indulgently. Eventually she caught on that he’d been joking and rolled her eyes. “Please step through the metal detector.”

Where he would have once made an apologetic excuse and subjected himself to a pat down, Kaz instead strode forward and collected his luggage on the other side of the conveyor belt without being stopped. Patting down his new hoodie to make sure all of his personal effects were in order, he combed a hand through his platinum-blonde hair, making sure not to disturb the new perm too much. A splash of freckles and turquoise eyeshadow accentuated the rest, and to those not in the know, it was hard to connect the dots between the ex-EMT and the Biosynthetic Humanoid model that he had requested to be transferred into half a year ago. 

Despite his initial uncertainties at propagating the same technology that led to the deaths of half of his classmates (temporary or otherwise) Kaz had come around to the idea eventually, once Mina and Midori reassured him it was now benign. Part of the decision had been made due to the convenience it would bring him; the other part came from the need to disappear as soon as his benefactors realized their son was waking up from his minimally-conscious state.

And yet, some things would continue to remain the same. As the amber-eyed android smiled at nothing in particular, Kaz waited as the rest of his colleagues - an unlikely bunch of people if the rest of the crowd staring and whispering had anything to say about it - followed suit into the lobby of the cruise ship. “You know, Detective, I think that’s a very bold way of announcing your re-engagement to the rest of the world.” He laughed, noting the ring she was wearing. “Please accept my congratulations - again - and I wish you both all the best in life and love.”

The person being referenced, having been searching through her bag as she waited for the others to make it through, quirked an eyebrow. A petite but firmly intimidating young woman brushed a longer lock of her hair cropped hair behind her ear as her fingers ghosted the ring decorated with a bird and germanic phrasing. 

“I thought you would have gathered th’ I don’t care what the world thinks, only what she does. I was going to propose but… well. Literally, it's better late than never?”

With an amused tut and sly twinkle in her emerald eyes, Reiko Eigawa placed her other hand in her pocket and stood. It was visually impossible now to link the woman before the former EMT to the terrifying mantisdroid once prowling the rooms of the modelling agency.

“Can’t be criminal to think I have the most beautiful partner in the world, hm? But I think we need a bit more healing before we seriously make any plans like that.” She rolls and cracks her wrist. “‘M just just glad I could get some time off so early.”

“You and me both, Eigawa-san. You and me both.” He chuckles as he goes over to help Senda with their new suitcase. Technology certainly had moved on a little since all of them had been inside the agency for so long, but they could also move with technology as it came to pass. 

Plus these luggage bags came sponsored courtesy of Koharu. While he didn’t keep in touch with many of his other classmates - understandably so, given the events that had transpired over the final trial - she’d been one of the few exceptions, and he had even volunteered to work for her and her archaeological crew as an on-scene medic once his mandatory holiday was well and truly over, whenever that ended up being.

He hoped things were okay with her, and resolved to check in with the Onowai family… later. Vacation first.

A couple of hours later found them all on the deck, lounging in chairs and finding things to do while relaxing under the sun. Talking was a free action, and there was much of it to go around. “It’s still kind of amusing, actually,” Kaz admitted. “I’ve spent so long focused on doing my job that I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do now that I’ve been effectively retired. You asked me on the way here why I booked this trip in particular, and to be honest… would you accept the explanation that it was literally the first search result on ‘vacation spots to take your friends’?”

Looking over from the side, a tall person with an undershave and ash brown hair tied off in a bun glanced at Kaz from over their sunglasses. As they spoke, their drawl mixed with franco-undertones came as familiar as it always had.

“Hmmm~ Well it’s pretty nice all things considerin’. So yeah, I think I’d take that explanation. Sounds like a very… you sort’ve idea. It’s cute!”

The entity once known as Selene, now undertaking the name Alycia Selena Pageau in her return to the living world, winked cheekily at the fellow android. They had kept their height and generally athletic stature, but a new addition of freckles peppered their nose and cheeks. Their personality and memories, however, remained intact throughout the process.

From the railing, the detective coolly looked over her shoulder with a chuckle.

“It’s not bad at all… leagues better than what I would’ve done, clearly. I don’t know about you two-?” Her attention was directed to the other two people sitting at the lounge chairs.

One of them, a taller individual in sunglasses and a hat, tilted the brim in acknowledgement. 

“It is my imperative that this was handled as best as it was. The odd drama came about here and there but oth- indeed.”

Helios, or Bartholomew Arseneau I, nodded back. His own body was every bit as wiry as it once was, albeit mechanical, and his hair was back to its natural black and was pulled over his shoulder in a short ponytail.

“This is far better than whatever was before. All of that pressure, ‘tcha! The world will know of my greatness once more. Is that not right, Senda?”

Sitting with their arms folded, the last person to speak had taken a while to formulate what it was they wanted.

“....Had… no other idea where to go, so… it is good, ah… yes.”

The figure formerly known as Kumi Asashima retained the same bone-white skin from prior, but their hair was cut in a sweeping black bob, retaining its natural curliness. The formal clothes from before were shed, and in their place was a collared shirt and skirt. 

“Yes. It is good. My… ah, siblings would think so. I wish they would have come, yes, ever since we reunited… a shame.”

Remembering their manners, they caught themself.

“That is not to say that I am ungrateful. I am.”

The ex-paramedic nodded back, not at all insulted. "Sorry I didn't take the initiative to invite them too, but I think they understand why it's just us five."

“See, Kazzie? There’s nothin’ you need t’ worry about.” The demigirl moved to sit next to Kaz, nudging his side playfully. However, they also caught a glimpse of something further in his expression and frowned. “You okay?”

He nodded slowly. “Yeah... I do have to talk to you about something privately though. Do you want to get something to drink at the bar?” He asked Alycia, getting up from the lounge chair. “It’s about… you know.”

“Ah… Yeah. Right.” Frankly, they had been quietly wondering that for the last few months - but with all of the adjustments it took to return to the outside world, it had admittedly fallen a bit off of the former circus performer’s mind. Standing up, they offered their hand to him.

“I’ll lead the way.”

As they both made their way over, Kaz thought about exactly what he wanted to say to them. It was hard enough trying to process emotions as a creation of artificial intelligence, but now, in a body where both heart and mind were real, living tissue and thus the feelings that came with it were quite real too? It was nerve-wracking, to say the least… but he’d risen to the challenge before, and he’d do it again to finally settle things once and for all.

“I have a crush on you.” 

Before Alycia can respond, he lowers his head to hide the extremely embarrassed expression that reddens his face. “That was probably too direct, sorry, but it’s the truth. I tried looking up explanations online for all of these confusing emotions I’ve had over the course of the last few months that we’ve known each other and every single one has pointed me in this direction. Koharu also had a hand in it admittedly, but you don’t have to humour me for it though, Alycia. Barty and you have only just started getting a grip on your new lives and settling things from your old lives and… there’s a lot of it to take in already and deal with from there.” 

Kaz peeks in from between his fingers, shielding a good portion of his face but maintaining a sliver of eye contact because he wants them to know he means it. “But I also want to be part of that life with you too. And regardless of your response, you’re still one of my best friends, and that also means I’ll respect how you feel about it and have your back all the same. Just… please tell me whether or not I might even have a chance?”

It’s actually kind of endearing to see Kaz this unconfident, as I imagine the other would agree. 

Sure enough, throughout all of this, the taller figure had developed a dumb grin on their face. It was that smitten sort of smile that pulled through when you watched someone you cared for ramble through something they cared about; or, in this case, finally trying to understand the feelings he was never supposed to comprehend in the first place.

It was a proud smile just as much as it was tender.

Reaching out, Alycia’s palm rested on the outside of the EMT’s fingers currently obscuring his reddened cheeks. Letting out a warm chuckle from their bar stool, they tilted their head to match their blue eyes to his as they gently pushed aside his own hand. Alycia’s smile settled to something softer by the time they spoke.

“Son rougeur est très mignon, Kazzie.” She hummed and brought her other hand up to cup his face gently before planting a quick peck to the blonde’s cheek and resting their foreheads together. “Though… I’m sorry y’were the last to realize.”

Yes, Selene had always been able to tell. Some parts of their memories from early in their revival as the flighty robot, as well as aspects of the so called ‘hostage situation’, had blurred. But somehow, the time spent with Kaz managed to remain crystal clear throughout the transitional process.

“Well considerin’ how ya met me, I didn’t see you at the time as someone I could care about beyond a friend… but I thought I told you somethin’ back before that final trial. I said that I wanted t’ be in yer life after all of it, right? Or, I at least tried to probably. ‘Cause I realized I was mortified of stoppin’ existing, but also to stop seein’ Helios, an’ the other bots… and you.”

Yes it felt sappy, almost painfully so if they were to be honest with themself. But, they felt they had a right to be after literally fighting their way back from death, in a strange way.

“...I wanna finally live a life again, Kazzie. I want t’ experience all of the things I was robbed of back then with these new eyes, new identity, an’ some new friends… you helped me get here. You didn’t give up on us or toss us away.” Alycia pulls their forehead away an inch or two, if only to wink at Kaz. “If I didn’t have ya in my life, I’d feel pretty damn robbed.” They chuckle. “Course I feel the same way, but I wasn’t gonna push when you were still figurin’ out yerself - and, y’know, I wasn’t exactly human lookin’... But, if that’s how ya feel? Well… That makes me real happy~”

If Kaz had been red before, he positively flared up when they pecked him on the cheek. It was reminiscent of a machine overheating, but instead of liquid latex and electricity it was bright, scarlet blood that rushed his head. Had he still been an android, perhaps he could’ve blown steam out the side of his ears, but instead he listens as they continue, and at the end, begin to try and utter a few words. “I… Oh… You mean… I was… W… Huh…”

He stops, shaking his head wildly. “...I’m sorry, I’m normally much more verbose than this, but I can’t believe… Was I… really that oblivious? I mean… Oh… So that’s what Koharu-san meant.” Kaz pauses, before sighing happily. “I guess my system’s caught a love bug after all. And it’s making me both dumb and very, very gay. I could attempt to run diagnostics on it, but I think… Well, I know I’d like to keep it close. Just like I would, uh, like to keep you close too.”

That last comment causes him to bow down so that Alycia can’t see the look of pure shame on his face once he realizes he said that aloud. “...I’m still learning the whole ‘flirting’ bit, sorry.” He mumbles something under his breath, running his hands through his hair awkwardly and trying to psych himself up to say it out loud. 

Eventually, he looked up with a smile plastered over his face, and moved to hold their hands. “I just… Cripes, it’s embarrassing to say it out loud, but I’m going to try, so… well, I love you. And I’ve apparently had the biggest crush on you for some time now so if you would have me, I’d love to be your boyfriend, Alycia. Please go out with… me…?”

While the moment was tender, and the taller of the pair seemed thoroughly endeared to the boy’s stuttering, they sat themself down on a nearby chair so Kaz didn’t have to crane his neck for the nearly one foot height difference.

“I think you could guess the answer t’ that, mon choupinet~” Coy as ever, they hum and give a little tug to pull the retired EMT closer for a proper hug this time. Quietly, they revel in the fact that they could actually wrap their arms around him now - unlike before.

His arms wrap around them too as a hundred little Kazzies squeed in unison within his mind, while yet more tap-danced away in his stomach. It was all he could do to keep a serene smile on his face, all the while resisting the urge to giggle like a ten-year-old or ask them to please call him more pet names. Something gnawed at his subconscious that maybe that was not the right thing to ask in public with little kids watching.

So instead he simply basks in the sensation for however long he can attempt to hold it for. Suzukaze ‘Kaz’ Aizawa was most definitely on cloud nine, and wasn’t planning on leaving it.

Having finally found it acceptable to sit, Reiko had made sure she was facing out towards the passing crowd, and was naturally first to catch the other two returning from the bar. While the woman didn’t say anything, the pair was given a knowing glance before she finally peeled her wary eyes off of the strangers mulling to peruse the novel she had brought.

Bartholomew glanced back too, eyes widened. There was a brief moment where his eyes downcasted, before he chuckled. 

As it should have been.

“I see you have a fine catch! Keep her well, or I will be most displeased.”

“My pleasure, though let’s be real. She’s the one keeping me.”

“Th’ both of you are weird.”

Kaz looked back upon the horizon, and kept his gaze on the clear azure sky. While the internal decision remained invisible to all but the mechanical mind that made it, he envisioned cutting the final threads that tied him down to his old life away, and setting free the kite that flew high. No longer did he have to worry about maintaining the identity of someone he now considered a friend and brother, or worry about disappearing once his purpose was fulfilled.

It was time to assert his own identity and find a new purpose in life. Kaz was here to stay.

“Come to think of it.” The thought came to him as the cruise docked, and he turned to Reiko. “Wasn’t Jiang-san supposed to come on this vacation too? I wonder why she turned it down...”

It was at this moment that the television screens around the cruise sprang to life. A beautiful grey-haired woman with rabbit ears and a handsome blond man in a half-mask turned to face the camera, smiling as they greeted the inbound passengers from the pier.

“Welcome to the Crescent Moon Hotel and Resort!” The pair declared. “We hope you enjoy your stay here, esteemed guests!”

“I guess we’ll never know…”

[bearsinpotatosacks]

Newsies Modern Highschool AU

(Am I the only one who wants to see the Newsies Boys and The Maze Runner Boys meet?)

If anyone has seen my AO3 account then you’ll see that I have two AUs and I personally have around 4 College/Highschool/Everyone Lives AU either in my head or in drafts. So here’s the inevitable Highschool AU for the Newsies.

Please bear in mind that I don’t know as much as everyone else in this fandom and am happy to learn and will take advice and constructive criticism on how to do these characters justice.

- They all have separate jobs away from school

- They all sold newspapers at some point but are now in other employment (Post-Strike Newsies in the Canon-Era)

- They’re all in the same Highschool but it’s near the Manhattan side of the bridge so the Brooklyn boys can get to school

- All of them are dancers/acrobats to some level and are loyal members of the theatre club,

- Crutchie does scripts and parts that aren’t too energetic but he still takes part non the less

- Kath, Bill and Darcy run the school paper and always advertise the shows

- Sometimes Kath lets them think that they put their own articles in but obviously she allows them in because the spelling/grammar are fixed

- Lates detentions are frequent occurrences in their group

- Race wears heelies and often wheels down hallways and into classes and you can’t tell me otherwise

- At Prom Bill and Darcy have complimenting suits but no one notices because they are always wearing fancy clothes

- But when the Newsies clan show up in sharp suits (that totally took Buttons multiple years to make) they ALL get best dressed

- Getting them all on stage takes a while

- Jojo often sings under his breath when in detention

- Once when he thought he was alone he goes full operatic and when he finishes the hymn he was singing (Lord of the Dance) he gets a round of applause

- Spot mainly gets into detention for fighting but the fights usually aren’t his fights

- He hears about someone disrespecting his mates and he makes sure they won’t be spreading rumours again

- They’ve sung Teenager in Love by Dion and the Belmonts (song I’m listening to whilst writing this line) in a talent show before

- Jack on main vocals and Crutchie, Race, Spot and Mush on the backup vocals and main oohs and aahs

- In the summer Albert wears sunglasses everywhere to try and be cool but only achieves a terrible glasses tan

- Elmer on the other hand gets an amazing even tan and looks adorable with his sunglasses on

- He can’t pull off the serious Aviators look so he gets novelty palm tree ones and becomes human sunshine when he smiles

- There are rumours that Finch and Kid Blink are actually gorgans so no one meets their eyelines.

- Finch just kinda takes this in his stride and goes along whereas Blink uses this to his advantage and gets a green wig to dress up like Medusa

- Davey also runs a film club surprisingly when he’s not in other more accedemic clubs

- He plays a lot of films that portray minorities (accurate representation of Mental Illnesses/Disabled people, the LGBTQIA+ community, POC etc)

- Moonlight, Brokeback Mountain, The Danish Girl, Boys Don’t Cry and the Theory of Everything and others are shown

- The others come along every now and then but make sure they’re there to support him when he decides to watch Schindler’s List in full (they’ve watched clips in classes but never fully)

[honeyedmilks]

gtkm 🌙

tagged by the cutest @captain-junmyeon ty angel !!!!!

tagging: @championamjoon @rabonghee @allonsy-allie @gimme-a-chocolate @blushyandreil @longguosus @myhalloweendreams @millkiway @lavenderbyun

how tall are you: 5′9 ? or taller ? or a little smaller ?? i dunno !!

what colour are your eyes: so dark they’re like black snjdjdjd when will i be cast as a demon?

do you wear contacts and/or glasses: only sunglasses to make me look cute

do you wear braces: i used to !!

what is your fashion style: i don’t even know ? i guess casual chic ? but sometimes i just look like a hobo so who knows ... the things i like in terms of fashion are often or not what i get to wear tho :(

when were you born: 25th january 2001

how old are you: 17 !!

do you have any siblings: hm yes . two brothers (younger) and one sister (also younger)

what school/ college do you go to: rn ? no where jjjjsndnsjjdd

what kind of student are you: i’ve not been a student for like a year so i dunno and my mental illness fucked me over so bad so i dunno sndidnkdndkd but i guess i’m a perfectionist and very messy but always striving to learn to my optimum and brimming with knowledge lmao i can be vocal when i’m confident. i used to be quite terrible tho :/ but i guess that’s because i had to learn to do everything on my own as a child? but i got sick of being the dumb one by the time i got to high school and started to get my head down a bit. i wasn’t perfect lol. after a while it got really hard. it’s been a lot of ups and downs for the most part

what are your favorite subjects: history was one i enjoyed a lot i think ? english was like my safe heaven at one point but i dunno djdjdjd

what are your favourite movies: oh binch ... i dunno !! do u know how many movies i’ve seen? but from the top of my head; wheelman (it’s on netflix go watch it pls !! it’s so underrated), the mummy 1 & 2, and um peter pan !! the live action one ... damn i’m already crying ... this is why i can’t watch it anymore

what are your favorite pastimes: depends on my mood tbh. i like listening to music, blogging on this shithole, baking (a more recent development), writing (i swear i’m a writer :/), doing dumb shit on photoshop, looking through my pinterest sndidkjddi, watching stuff like dramas, films, youtube stuff

so you have any regrets: eh i’m always out there being a Mess so yeah i guess. but i’m like a zombie so i get over stuff now unless it’s Really a lot okay wait i’m remembering ... hmm not good at all

what is your dream job: director/ writer. and recently ? singer even tho i can’t sing :/

would you like to get married: sigh yes cuz apparently that’s when i can actually live whatever trash life i want

do you want kids? how many if so: i want babies :( when i’m older i think. even if pregnancy is so scary. only a few kids :( like 1 or 2 ?

how many countries have you visited: i can’t count so um pakistan, egypt, turkey, italy, france, england, dubai- these were all to varying degrees but oh well. and i was so young i barely remember a lot of it.

what was your scariest dream: uh i don’t wanna talk about it since a) it’s gonna take me ages to remember and then put into words and b) i just :/

do you have a boyfriend/ girlfriend/ significant other: binch no !! 😤😖 but a girl (me !!) is so lonely . if someone has baekhyuns number then tell him i’m fucjxjixx FREE ALL DAY EVERY DAY !!

put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs:

i have a million platforms that i listen to music on so deal with this random array of songs i’ve kind of but not quite hand picked with no links because i’m too tired~

like a cat by aoa (FUCK I LOVE THIS SONG SKSJ)

automatic by red velvet

sin contrato by maluma

no ordinary love by sade

come get her by rae sremmurd (look ik :/ it’s trash but it slaps)

3 by britney spears

how’s this by hyuna

borro cassette by maluma (i love ... val this is our Other song)

eu sou assim by anitta

someone new by banks (</3)

O by coldplay

beautiful ruin by jhene aiko

safari by j balvin

rockstar by post malone (again ... trash ... but it bangs)

talk talk by girls generation (um amazing fantastic iconic mindblowing !!)

[theyellowcurtains]

New Years Rec List!

I did one of these a couple months back but I’ve read more since then!

It’s not yet new years, yet I’m doing this now anyways.

These are all amazing fics with such amazing authors. I’d like to say thank you to everyone who does write, read, draw, post, or has any contribution towards this fandom for keeping it alive and giving up content still even after the show is over. Thank you all so much, and I hope that there is still more to come.

(Starred fics are favourites!)

Chaptered Fics!

Come if you remember the way - Teatrolley (Non-explicit sex)

The first time Isak meets Even he’s fourteen, and a moving van is pulling up on the street outside of his house. Four years later he’s standing in an airport with their friends and Even’s parents. Even is going abroad for six months.

Or: Isak and Even are childhood friends who always seem to gravitate towards each other. Then everything else happens

if i knew it were true - smokeshop (@supermanplaining) (Heavy discussion/themes of mental illness)

They’ve both been broken. Even hates his brain and Isak hates his life, and the past is always lurking. Friends With Benefits AU where Isak loves Even and Even loves Isak, but they’re afraid to make it work.

Keep Your Eyes On Me - obscurial (Explicit Sex)

“Okay, I think I’ll start now,” he chirps, smiling widely at the camera, and suddenly, his entire demeanour changes. His smile drops to a sultry smirk, eyes glazed with lust and desire. Even feels a familiar tight feeling in his pants, and without removing his gaze from the screen, he carelessly throws his unwanted jeans onto the ground by his bed.

“Who wants to play with me first?” Isak murmurs, tongue darting out to wet his pink lips.

Isak is a camboy, and Even is a new viewer.

The five people who got to know and love Isak and the one who loved him all along - hannakin

The five people who got to know and love Isak and the one who loved him all along. A tale of Isak Valtersen through the perspective of others.

Vivid in Black and White* - Fxckxxp (@fxckxxp​) (Mild sexual content)

In a Hei Briskeby video prank taken too far, Isak meets Even for the first time down on one knee—asking for his hand in marriage.

ivory* - evenvaltersen (Explicit Sex)

“Would that make you relax? A nice orgasm?” Isak nods, curling up impossibly closer to Even and Even almost wants to cry at the softness of it all, at how tiny and snuggly Isak looks in that pink, too big hoodie. “Alright, baby. How do you want it?”

//or: isak’s stressed. fingering makes him calm down.//

take me as i am - argentae (@minjard​)

He isn’t crushing, and nevertheless this guy has become a Problem, because whenever he’s on shift he’s made it increasingly difficult for Isak to really spend his time productively. Sure, he could just find another place to study but he likes the access to coffee here even though he actually kind of hates the bitterness of it and he’s just not going to let himself get swept aside because of this guy.

In summary: Isak has been suffering. Terribly.

I Feel It When You Look At Me*** - photographer_of_thoughts (@nikkimikki) (Explicit Sex)

“Did you hear about the new guy?” Jonas asked, motioning over to the other side of the cafeteria. Isak looked up and became rather breathless at the sight of the tall, blonde, and totally gorgeous boy wearing sunglasses. Wait. Sunglasses? Inside? “Must suck to be the new transfer and blind. I hope someone is helping him find all his classes.”

Or, Isak and Even learn to see each other.

The Weight Of Us - verlore_poplap (Not sure, may be Explicit Sex, Cheating is there)

Isak finally takes the plunge towards what’s seemed like an inevitability for almost ten years.

Of course that’s when some guy comes along and ruins everything.

—

Isak Valtersen is literally the last thing Even’s life needs right now.It pretty horrifying how hard that is to remember, everytime he’s around.

Blanket Fort Gospel* - Sabley (Explicit Sex)

Isak Valtersen met the love of his life when he was eleven years old. It was a truth he had long tried to deny, but it was the truth nevertheless.

Lovesick* - Sabley (Explicit Sex)

Even is absolutely not making up excuses to take his daughter to see the hot new pediatrician. (Except he totally is.)

Or 5 times Even’s daughter wasn’t actually sick and 1 time she was.

Wish You Were Mine - cuteandtwisted (Pretty sure this just has sex jokes)

“You’re after my heart, aren’t you?” said Even, leaning against the bar counter. “I thought we had already established that,” Isak smiled.

Or Even is Isak's favorite bartender and there's some mutual pining involved.

One Part Wonders! 

Netflix and Chill - colazitron (No smut! Just so sweet omg)

Even's one night stand's bed is far too comfortable to leave the morning after.

can you blow my whistle, baby.* - milominderbinder (@milominderbindered​) (Sex Jokes only)

It's a normal Friday night in Isak's life. Just five guys, hanging out drunk at McDonalds in the middle of the night, talking about blowjobs, trying to deep-throat coke bottles. That sort of thing.

And if floorboards speak, the kiss on my cheek - Teatrolley

Even makes every place feel like home.

Or: Isak and Even’s relationships, throughout Kollektivet’s seven rooms

the right to call this home* - argentae (@minjard​) (So soft)

“I told her about you,” Even tells Isak on a Monday night. They’ve just had dinner and Isak is lying with his head on Even’s lap, complaining about one of his professors (because what else is new).

“Who?” Isak asks, furrowing his brow.

Even looks down on him and raises his eyebrows, waiting for the penny to drop and—

Oh.

Isak sits up so quickly he almost headbutts Even’s chin.

(or four times Isak is nervous about Hanna and one time he isn’t)

For Sonja, With Love - obscurial 

The inscription baffles Isak to his core – who exactly was this Sonja, and what on earth made her want to leave such a beautiful expression of love by his charity shop’s doorway?

(An au where Isak runs a charity shop, and finds one of Even's paintings at his doorstep.)

when i’m close to you (we blend into my favourite colour) - Behindthecities (@vanqoh​) 

In which Isak and Even are boy-friends with a hyphen in the middle. //or the the 5 times Isak forgets that he’s not dating Even and the 1 time he does something about it.

thoughts of unruly curls and plush lips - reasoniwantyoutostay (Explicit Sex)

Isak and Even get consumed by thoughts of each other before meeting up for the Halloween pre-game.

AKA What happened before 21:21

Series!!

Technology - skambition (Explicit Sex)

Basic Summary: Isak and Even’s relationship over years and years and years. The second part of the series covers Even going to school in London and Isak and Even starting their journey in a long-distance relationship. The third part of the series is their life after they stop living so far apart and how their relationship develops over time.

Sesong 5: EVEN - XioNin (@xionin​) (Mentions of: Sex, Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Drug Use, Suicidal Thoughts)

Interviewer: Now we’ve gotten a little Isak and Even clip this season (4) too. But is there something you feel is missing, is there something you’d wish to tell?

Henrik Holm: Through the character Even? Oh my god Even is such a complex character that he should have had his own season. But, now there wont be any more seasons. So I still feel there’s a lot Even could have told, and a lot he could have taught others. Through his story. So of course. I’m sure I could have played this character for years. But it’s weird that it’s over.

I agree, Henrik. This is for you...

Santa, Baby******* - empty_venom (@isyakivaltersen) (Very VERY Explicit Sex, Sub/Dom Dynamics)

Basic Summary: Isak makes Even a special advant calander where each day has a different sex act. It goes through a lot of things, as well as a real life situation disruption. It is all well written and probably one of the best and most committed I’ve seen someone to a series. 

Unfinished!

Alphabet Aerobics - nofeartina (@nofeartina​) (Explicit Sex)

It starts with something Magnus says. Because of course it does.

“I bet you two have the most adventurous sex,” he says and looks at Isak with stars in his eyes.

Do they really? Isak's suddenly not so sure.

Or the one where Isak makes them explore sex using the letters of the alphabet.

When you’re near to me - skambition (Part of the technology series, Explicit Sex)

"Darling, when you're near to me this hope is everything and only you can save the day just because you're here and the world will disappear."

A story about Isak and Even and their beautiful future together.

[thisislizheather]

February Feats 2020

I write this from underneath two blankets, perched atop three pillows. This is day three of being sick (Nathan just joined me in illness yesterday) and I think I’m getting better but that could just be blind hope. In any case, I still have to tell you what went on last month. Forgive the tone of this post, it might be… affected.

I heard that Matthew Broderick and Sarah Jessica Parker are going to be in the Paul Simon play Plaza Suite together and so I casually thought “Ooo, might be nice to catch” so I looked it up and tickets START at $700. So I guess fuck me then. I swear to god, this fucking city.

The best cover so far this year:

Above Photo: Brian Stauffer, The New Yorker

I rewatched a movie I love: The Door In The Floor and it really holds up well. Kim Basinger and Jeff Bridges and both too good at what they do. Love this movie so much.

I rewatched The Evil Dead and look I understand it’s probably a “good horror movie” especially for its time and budget, but I fucking hated it, maybe even more so than the last time that I saw it. Never again. Why do I keep rewatching things that I hate? I don’t have to like everything. I must repeat this to myself daily.

I had lunch at Daily Provisions and their lemon cruller was really good and light and the chicken club sandwich was good, too. Always a solid morning/afternoon place.

Favourite tweets of the month.

I tried Trader Joe’s Whole Wheat Couscous and maaaaan, it was so good. So I guess all couscous is good? Gotta get my hands on that pearly couscous. That seems like the money cousocus.

I made this Greek Couscous Salad for lunches for a week and didn’t get sick of it at all, I gotta remember to keep this in the rotation. I also kept the salad and the couscous separate until I wanted to eat, and then I’d join them together.

I can’t believe I hadn’t seen this sketch before (calling someone a “goofy bitch” just about killed me), also ignore how bad an actress Cardi B is.

I finished watching The Good Place and yes it was a good show. I don’t think l liked it as much as pretty much everyone else in my life who loved it, but it was definitely a good show. This scene was the best part of the finale, for sure. That song used in the scene will always elicit tears, I remember falling in love with it when it was used in the movie that everyone hated but me, Swept Away.

Again, I visited Everlane and it still disappoints. Why do I keep thinking it’ll be different each time? What the fuck is wrong with me?

I saw Parasite and it was wonderful and everyone who hasn’t seen it should see it. I haven’t heard from one person who didn’t like it. Universally liked!

I listened to the new Strokes single and hated it, so that’s something. Growth?

I haven’t seen the whole episode yet, but I really liked RuPaul’s SNL monologue.

Why isn’t everyone putting pickles on grilled cheese? Makes no sense. Fucking taste explosion.

I finally tried the (off-menu, must be requested when it’s not brunch) Cacio E Pepe at L’Artusi and holy christ, it might be better than their mushroom ragu. I KNOW. Such wild developments! (They also started serving at lunch, but only lunch delivery, not dine-in. SO this means nothing to me.)

I think I will officially stop buying candles from Bath & Body Works. The ones at Marshalls are cheaper, last longer and the variety of scents is endless. I have a candle from Marshalls right now simply called STORM and it really does kinda smell like stormy weather. Obviously I’m waiting for a thunderstorm to light that mother. I have mental issues?

I watched the newest season of Shrill (no big spoilers ahead) and loved it, obviously. The disappointing-ness of parents is so nicely shown (that moment at the restaurant when she asks her dad what he thinks of her boyfriend and he’s so indifferent, ugh so perfect), I absolutely LOVED the wedding episode (infact all of the episodes following that one are the best ones, I think I just love the episodes not centered about this not-great relationship with her and her boyfriend), the WEHAM episode is perfect (finally someone making fun of makeup for for legs), and I continue to love the character Fran. Really hoping for a third season, especially based on the season finale.

Don’t ask me why, but I watched most of the Police Academy movies and I think the Miami one might be the best one?? I couldn’t make it twenty minutes into the Moscow one, so I feel like you might want to trust me when I say that I know what I’m talking about.

These are my new favourite leggings of all time, they feel like you’re wearing nothing at all.

Cannot get over the beauty of these women and these outfits.

Above Photo: Camila Mendes

Above Photo: Nyma Tang

I watched the Michelle Carter documentary and I don’t know how other people feel, but it’s absolutely unreal that she was found guilty. Of course Nathan disagrees.

I ate at Frank for the first time in over a decade with the one and only Irene and it’s still great. Love that they do the opposite of al dente pasta here. Photos below.

Above Photo: Tagliatelle special, at Frank

Above Photo: Roasted garlic bread, at Frank

Above Photo: Mushroom pappardelle special, at Frank

I can’t find a link for them online, but I bought some reusable Leak Proof Snack Bags by Kitchen Details at Nordstrom Rack and they’re perfect since we typically use a million of those disposable ones for holding sunflower seeds and almonds

I threw out a lot of clothing/shoes/bags, so I went out and bought some things that I absolutely love. I now have a faux fur, brown evening coat that I’ve long dreamed of owning, a new everyday purse, a vintage, gold, mesh evening purse, new everyday shoes, more sunglasses and some new wedges that may or may not replace the older wedges I’ve had since 2006 (the ones lovingly referred to as my Terminators because of the massive fall that I took in them upon exiting the movie Terminator Salvation). I could show you all of the new pieces, but I’d much rather slide into a room you’re in to show you my new fur coat. However if it annoys you not to see any of these new things that bring my joy, here are two of them.

Above Photo: Classic Reeboks from DSW

Above Photo: I also got them in blue

I’ve actually started using tiny drops of facial oil mixed with my nighttime face lotion and even though I’ve only just started to do this, my face is already way less dry when waking up. I don’t know if I can do this in the hotter weather, but for now I’ll keep it up.

I know all of these are old songs, but I recently heard and fell in love with this Taylor Swift song. And this one. And this one. Oh and this one too.

I went to Giorgio’s of Gramercy again (the last time was a few years ago with Nathan) and it’s still great! I haven’t had a steak in awhile, but the one here? Holy hell. Magnificent.

I went to see the new Kubrick 2001 exhibit at the Museum of the Moving Image and it was pretty neat. They have one of his Oscars on display in a case, which was actually really cool to see.

I read and reviewed a biography of Johnny Carson that truly sucked.

So Nathan and I are in the middle of watching McMillion$ and can I just say: boooooooooooooooo. I’ve never seen a “documentary” more over-produced, self-indulgent, superfluous and WILDLY overdone. It’s a bloody six part series that could’ve EASILY been an hour and a half movie. If you ever need proof of a documentary having too much money spend, my god have you found it. Of COURSE Mark Wahlberg has something to do with it, this man needs to fucking STOP. I know they are countless other men attached to the project too, but it’s much easier to shit on just him. God, what a waste of time. The Wikipedia page is more succinct.

I watched To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before 2: P.S. I Still Love You and it was everything I wanted it to be and more. Loved the Adventures in Babysitting reference right off the top (I’ll forever love that movie and it doesn’t get talked about enough), I loved pretty much every musical choice (these are my top three songs from the movie), and I loved the idea of doing another Thanksgiving in March (although I’m pretty sure Chrissy Teigen did this a few years ago and planted that great seed in my head). Definitely the best thing on Netflix at the moment.

Seeing this restored footage of NYC in 1911 is both exciting and eerie as hell, for some reason.

Nathan and I went to the Raptors game that ended their winning streak, sorry about that.

I’ve been consumed with reading so much stuff about what’s going on right now and this was a little helpful: 4 Practical Ways to Prepare Your Home for a Pandemic. Don’t judge me for sharing this link! I’m delirious.

Things that I’m looking forward to this month: visiting Collingwood and going skiing with my family, I might splurge and get that mini birthday cake from Momofuku Milk Bar, and the new season of On My Block comes out on the 11th. I’m pretty into the idea of turning 35, usually I’m more jacked about my birthday month but I think I’m too down to care at the moment. Caring coming soon.

If you’ve got any interest in reading last month’s roundup, you can see what went down in January over here.

[irialexander]

So I’m technically tired, and worn out, and plain down enough to try and type something and see if I can actually post it. Which for anyone who knows me, is a total nightmare, cause I’m not allowed to post about personal things online. But the joke is on me, cause I don’t talk enough to people when I can about crap anyway, so I’m gonna make less stupid me regret this tomorrow. That being said, if for some reason you feel like reblogging this, go ahead, I don’t really care enough, and I won’t tomorrow. Mostly I’m pissed, that I haven't been able to work, that Jim Robbie is so long on hiatus, and that I had to make that post about podcon. The last year has been wonderful and has been hell, and I’m sure eventually I’ll feel better. The medication for the hypothyroidism won’t really work well until three weeks have passed. I just hate being the person that has to put everything I want to do on the backburner because I KEEP RUNNING INTO PROBLEMS. My headshots still have me wearing my pink glasses. I should get new ones but I don’t have the energy. I slept till 8 pm today and I’ll be going to bd at midnight. I’m losing so much fucking time. I have this giant stack of pill bottles, and even though some of them are vitamins they’re mandatory if I don’t want consistent migraines and to feel like an ass at restaurants because I’m wearing sunglasses indoors. And now, until the medicine really kicks in I’m going to be tired, and cranky, and incapable of doing much more than staying in the house.

It’s absurd really. I keep joking with my friends that I’m going to keep trying to denerf myself. Denerf myself from mental illness, denerf myself from photophobia, denerf myself from all of my collection of allergies, and now denerf myself from hypothyroidism. And I don’t think I’ll stop trying, if I could swordfight my problems I would, but now, when I’m exhausted, tired, and stressed I can’t help but wonder if there’s just going to be another lifelong problem round the corner. Am I just going to be trapped in a cycle that’ll just add medication and life restrictions, more schedule, and rigidity, and blood tests? 

I hate having to tell people about the new things, cause I just feel like I have to keep my chin up, and look like the person who can handle everything, who can do everything. I know I complain to people all the time too, about being romantically lonely, about feeling like I don’t know how to communicate with people, about my memory problems, and everything under the sun, but it just feels like a joke half the time. 

It’s almost midnight, and I’m tired again.

[marlaluster]

Trying to tell some things n move forward from the incident w the post being lost. ....

The devil was making there be some bad pains as i used the bathroom a moment ago to pee. It has done this before. It makes pain Thats supposed to be akin to constipation when I pee. But it is continuing w pain it was making in my butt -- "I have to say you are not going to lose as you go on here," the devil said. It just said something about a black dick. It's was pressing a sense about my soul mate Chris Hemsworth, it was to feel the person was not a relation to me. Then it was said something about black dick. It's been said that someone has to say now the inaudible things the devil is saying at points in my mind. This seems a good idea. It's supposed to be not people that are to seem crazy or officially mentally ill or otherwise seeming less than as a familiar sentiment of the society. The devil making me feel I lost what I was going to say next. But I feel I could tell lots of things. I'll try to tell about the person I heard from in the post the devil made the phone cut off during. "I have to be stopped in a way that will be very less," the devil said. "I have to stop doing the post thing but i don't know anymore can I go on," the devil said. I'm told me telling stuff will make it where others can tell more stuff. But the person that sings a song w the terms black hole sun, i heard from him in the post the devil made be lost w it turning the phone off. "I have to do now more of the phone thong," the devil said. A aside here. "But do you want to know what happened here. People could tell things not they could be," it was said. Something like this was told as i wrote the post the devil cut the phone off during. I had a quote saying something about it. Or actually maybe not now as i remember. It was another post. I can't remember the one quote I had in the post the phone was cut off during. Thats too bad. But the black hold sun guy said he couldn't go on. He said he was someone that could be if someone ended the world but then not because the devil was attacking people or a person for ending the world. It was said that was who or where he was now. He said that was outed w this more news surfacing as was in these comments I've put here for secret sun. The devil doing lots of cover up to hide the term clandestine sun apparently is devil worshiping. "It is," the devil said. I was told as i was looking at the comments or maybe as i was posting them, but i think before however i posted them, I was told the sunglasses shop Clandestine Sun cannot go on now that the term is further outed as something bad. I heard that in my mind from Clandestine Sun sunglasses shop, some entity or energy that had to be that surfacing occurrence or behind that surfacing occurrence. The devil made up the sunglasses shop to hide the tag Elsa Pataky put on the Instagram post saying clandestine sun apparently. "I did," the devil said. So apparently it was a tag just w the terms. But the devil changed it to the name of a shop. The devil saying something is happening where it cannot go on. "It's further. I will have to lose soon. Bye," the devil said. But the devil changing the terms somehow occurring in the Instagram post of Elsa Pataky to a shop name, then changing the search results for the terms to hide the terms were devil worshiping. I am not certain how the terms first were showing in the post by Elsa Pataky on my own account or experience. I was looking at the post w the terms mentioned by Pataky because I was looking at the outfit she was wearing in the photo. It looked bad. But anyway, the terms clandestine sun were somehow in the caption for the photo of Pataky wearing the ugly outfit. The devil seemed concerned w the terms. I didn't really know what they meant. But the terms sounded devil worshiping. Sounds like a strange looking shine of the Sun. Like in the post of Chris Hemsworth holding his son i put here once where he says in a caption for the photo in the post that his son is cooler than a sunset they are supposedly looking at. But I'm told the terms clandestine sun mean there are some people here, or supposed people or appearing people that are of another god than others, another sun their light or source. Source seems to come to mind. The devil may be making it seem weird how the word cameto mind. "I did something. I have to stop doing it," the devil said. But the search results for "clandestine sun" mostly clear of any references to Satanism etc. There was only the secret sun blog on blogspot. I think another result had a post from there as what it was, it was an article mentioning Babylon. "It was from there right. I can't do that," the devil said. Clandestine Sun sunglasses saying they're less able to hide who they are as apparently it is hidden as the devil changes stuff like the tag "clandestine sun". But I'll try to do some things w looking for terms w the word sun. Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton wearing sunglasses at night in the instances I reported on here before. It seemed twice for Hilton in the one Just Jared group of photos. It seems I saw Kardashian wearing sunglasses to the wedding of the rapper Two Chains. The wedding, I was told was staged by the devil after I mentioned the lyrics of one of his songs here on the blog. But the lost post had info on the person singing a song w the terms black hole sun. It had a few details on the devil changing the clandestine sun reference in the Instagram post by Elsa Pataky to cover it was a devil worshiping reference. It pretended the words were the name of a sunglasses shop. The tricks crashing in on the thing, it seems. We hope so.

[apricotflowerp0t-blog]

Old poems

these are all of MY older poems going from 2014-2017

found my wattpad from ages ago and im going to be posting my old poems every now and then so pls dont make fun of me these are old but i WILL eventually start to post my newer work soon xxxxx 

 Suicide stays on my mental

Wondering what's really gonna happen when I finally break thru

When I finally get fed up and sick of the shit

When I finally sit there and decide to quit

The only thing that's stopping me is my own hand

Feels like nobody really there like it's all just an act

I really don't have nobody that truly got my back

Every single one of you is fake and fucking temporary

Nobody gonna b satisfied till I finally end it

Till I finally get pushed to the point and say fuck it

You think I'm all talk but watch one day I'll show you

When I finally get the guts to just end it cuz see I don't even know you

I could cut it off quick like I got nothing to live for

Cuz see I'm truly careless like it don't even matter

You not gonna b happy till my brains really splatter

Suicide crosses my mind often

I wonder what I look like inside of a coffin

I have a handful of attempts but see when I get to that point I hear this voice in my head don't know if it's god, satan, or just somebody dead

The voice always tells me to stop and I end up listening but I'm learning to ignore them and eventually you'll see my blood glistening

I turn it into jokes so I don't have to deal with it

So I don't have to accept the fact that I'm not good or how I'm misunderstood

Suicide all in my head Wondering what's gonna happen if I end up dead

When I say goodbye and go to the sky Don't miss me then cuz we both know it's pretend 

-c.m

(2014)

i rolled with the punches

although sometimes it felt as if i was getting jumped

i can still taste the tears of regret

i can feel the feeling of mental abandonment

i hold my breathe all day

and fucking gasp for air at night

you were the same as everyone else

you changed me and not for the good

i hate the fact that i can not hate you

you made me feel so alone

i loved you and you loved to make me cry

i didnt care bc you were the only one there

yet you made me want to pull out my hair

its like you hated me more than you loved me

you got a kick out of hurting my heart and watching me fall apart

i got a kick out of having someone to call my own

you made me feel ugly and worthless

made me feel like i was not worth it

your words would cut me like sharp piks

your voice was frightening like the scary music in a horror film

but our memories still cross my mind from time to time

i would look into your eyes and you would always look back

so tell me did why did you have to hurt me

why did you have to make me feel even more forsaken

you lied to me so much that i never knew the truth

and i think thats starting to happen with this new girl too

see youve changed me and not for the better

now i can never trust someone fully it just wont b the same

and to this day i still cringe when i hear your name

i see the good in all people and see thats my problem

i should of turned around as soon as you walked in

young thoughts that walk thru my mind but only sometimes

(2015)

-c.m

i’ve lived in a life of heaven examined as a world of sin

your eyes are the fences to heaven within

each day i will tell you your worth

that you are my personal guardian angel here on earth

that you are my sunshine on a dark day

that by your side i will stay until the day we turn gray

you showed up right in time

for you any hill i will climb

cariño, sólo pienso en ti

without you id b empty

you are truly a blessing

the thought of losing you is quite depressing

you are my favorite daydream

when i look at you i can tell your eyes gleam

make you climax till you scream

for you id do anything

-c.m

(2017)

i get happy over little stuff

i like words like shit and fuck

i dont enjoy having friends

i see the world thru a thick lens

i have a dog named junior

yeah hes rad and gnarly

i dont ever go to parties

and i dont like 2 say sorry

all my thoughts are glitter and sparkly

im looking for myself like safari

i like girls more than boys

i play with they emotions like toys

a lot of people crush on me

always rushing and nudging me

they like the way that im raw and how i put them in awe

i hit my head on the wall

i act like i am above all

im always laughing like im off alcohol

i find everything funny

like how my mom just dont love me

dirty everyone has done me

how everyone likes to just judge me

they like how im chubby and lovely

i like music a lot

my thoughts are always nonstop

sometimes they call me flowerpot

i like to drink tea and not soda

im the sickest, ebola

i hate the winter its too cold

in the summer i grow

i like stickers and socks

i like the jellies and boondocks

i like anime and hentai

i dont like to lie or cry

im sweet like pumpkin pie

i hit that bitch in her eye

i own nothing but ripped vans

but one day youll see me driving that benz

i like strawberry shakes

and to make girls legs quake

i keep them wet, the great lakes

i like long walks by myself

i cant reach the top shelf

i think tattoos and piercings are cool

trust no one, thats my rule

i like oldies and funk

im clumsy like an old drunk

i dont like to come out my bubble

it always seems to put me in trouble

i hate to hate

to me you may never relate

i get happy over little stuff

i put up this front like im tough

i seem to carry bad luck

im the best, hands up

-c.m

(2014)

screaming 666

my feelings mix

wonder what he has in his bag of tricks

my eyes continue to drip

i feel my soul as it slips

should i give it to him or keep it for myself

my soul is cold like an ice shelf

hes called for my name himself

shall i continue to be forever alone by oneself

or give it away to be loved and admired

my patience is expired

singing by myself like a lonely choir

wondering what it feels like to be sincerely supported and appreciated

wondering why i was even created

the fearsome part is is that i am not afraid

ive often thought about giving my psyche for trade

it walks across my mind often

i continue to live a life of no precaution

i sin often

so whats the point

why am i waiting

should i give it up and inside become rotten

or stay on the safe side and still disappoint

wondering if that deal would be worth it

cuz everyone knows im not perfect

-c.m

(2017)

god treated my sexuality like a joke

ive always knew but i never spoke

the day they found out everything went rabbid

acting like my choice of companions was just a bad habbit

ugly words thrown at me like queer and fruitcake

fruitcake to every christmas dinner that i am no longer welcomed at

not wanting me to walk in front of them like a black cat

get up everyday wearing the word faggot like an expensive pair of sunglasses

take the time to cross the street just so you dont  have to share a sidewalk with me

die of thirst so they dont have to use the same water fountain as me

that i should just like he and not she

saying that i am a sin and you will pray for me

cuz im homo you act like im ill like im missing chromos

think its a shame so you back out of my life in slow-mo

that girl es asqueroso y loco

then to accept me you rather push me on the streets like a hobo

sorry that i cannot be saved and you cant just wash this sin away

at the end of the day i dont care if you stay

-c.m

(2016)

Hi my angel

I hope all is well

I hope you still look down on me while I sit in this empty cell

No it's not jail but simply life now

I thought I could never do it without you but look at me now

I miss you dearly and still cry often

Wondering why you had to lay in that coffin

The thought of you still makes my eyes tear

The fact that I will never see you again makes me want to throw a chair

I forgot what your voice sounds like and even your laugh

I'd give anything up to take all that back

My first mother, father and friend

I'd kill someone to see you just once again

I miss you my angel more than anything I've took grip of

I hope you still look down from way up above

Always in my heart my one and true love

Goodbye for now but I'll see you again

Forever my angel till we meet again

-c.m

(2016)

[floraexplorer]

Why My New-Found Love of Running Helps My Anxiety

I never, ever thought I’d call myself a runner.

Even when I began to suffer increasingly with anxiety, I still couldn’t see the benefit of exercise on my mental health.

I love long-distance walking, but I guess my relationship with real exercise has always been iffy. I hated PE at school; never found a team sport I particularly enjoyed; I’m perpetually terrified of cycling on London’s roads; and although I eventually discovered yoga, the benefits of my practice never quite resonated in the way I hoped it would.

When I lived in Hackney, my flatmate would get home from work then head for the yoga studio a three minute walk away – and more often than not, I’d allow myself to be dragged there too. But if she wasn’t going, it was absurdly easy for me to find an excuse.

“You’ve just washed your hair – it’ll get sweaty!” I’d think. Or, “you’ve just got into a good groove with your work – if you leave now you’ll lose momentum!”

But in the back of my mind, there was always a little voice nudging that I really should be doing some kind of physical activity to keep my fitness levels higher than, say, walking up and down the stairs.

Enter: running.

I downloaded the Couch to 5k app – but I didn’t trust it

There was a park literally outside the door to our flat in Hackney, so it made sense that I should attempt to run around it. After a little bit of research, I found Couch to 5k, which is a free app set up by the NHS. It promises to take you from the sofa to a 5km-worthy runner in just nine weeks, if you do three half hour sessions a week – what’s not to love about that idea?!

For a few weeks I tried to follow the Couch to 5k program religiously. I shuffle-jogged when the disembodied voice of Jo Whiley told me to, and gratefully stopped when she said I could (NB: the first few weeks of the app is based on interval training: you’re tasked with eight repeats of 60 second runs with 90 second walking breaks, which gradually increase to 3 minute runs with 90 second walking breaks and so on). 

But something wasn’t clicking. I could just about manage the runs, but I wasn’t enjoying them. Worse, I started to look for ways to avoid the sessions – and because of my travel schedule, something always stopped my progress around week 5 (which is also when the run lengths increase significantly each session. Coincidence..??)

When I moved back to my family home to care for my terminally ill dad, I started the app again. This time, allowing myself the time to run was like clinging to a life raft: leaving the house for half an hour each morning was one of the few stable moments in that surreal carer journey which I could count on. The immediate physical reactions of my body took precedence over the reality my mind was always focused on.

So you’d be excused for thinking that I would’ve kept on running, right?

Yet when Dad died, all thought of exercise went out of the window.

While I grieved, I couldn’t find the confidence to run

There are so many things people don’t tell you about grief (which I’ve written about at length here). There’s the complete mental and physical exhaustion, for a start, as well as the sudden emotion which comes on suddenly from nowhere – but grief can also have a huge effect on your sense of self-confidence.

I’d already been developing anxieties about my physical safety before my dad’s death, and in the aftermath they got even worse. The need to cry struck me at so many points throughout the day that my house was the only place I felt calm: when I was there, nobody could see me fall apart. If I was outside when the emotion swelled, though – on a bus, in the street, at a pub, in a shop – I’d have a panic attack.

As a result, during much of 2018 I’d spend days at a time sobbing in bed. This eventually prompted friends to ask, “Have you tried going for a run? It’s helped before!”

What I found extremely difficult to explain was this: I already felt so battered and bruised by grief that the mere thought of being overwhelmed or unable to complete a run was too much of a defeat before I’d even started. Yes, running had occasionally made me feel better before, and I knew they meant well – but I resented the implication that I’d somehow made ‘going for a run’ into a fix-all solution. 

“It’s not as simple as that!!” I wanted to scream. How could it be, when hearing the suggestion of running made my mind spiral?

First, the sheer process of preparing to run was exhausting: the idea of crawling out of bed, searching for running clothes, finding my trainers, hiding my key somewhere on my body, stepping outside and entering a world I simply didn’t trust.

Next, what utterly terrified me was having to brave the unknown of that realm outside my front door. What if I tripped over in the first minute of jogging? What if I skinned my knee? What if someone saw me and laughed? What if I got a stitch and had to stop and felt like a failure because I couldn’t finish the session? What if I got red in the face and really sweaty and my knee hurt and I suddenly panicked that I was already getting arthritis at age thirty?

No. Much easier to stay inside my house where nothing could hurt me. Where I could cry in peace. Where I had at least some semblance of control.

Surprise! I officially have Generalised Anxiety Disorder!

For anyone who suffers with anxiety, the above thought process probably sounds familiar. But surprisingly enough, although I knew I was anxious a lot of the time it didn’t register that these thoughts weren’t really me.

These anxious thoughts are just thoughts. Thinking them won’t make them happen. They aren’t the truth. 

Thankfully, I started seeing a CBT therapist earlier this year and our sessions have been incredibly helpful. She’s explained to me that after a traumatic experience like losing a parent, my ‘fight or flight’ response is dialled all the way up, so I’m constantly perceiving everyday situations as harmful and destructive. After listing out every possible anxiety I encounter on a regular basis, we’ve been able to group my anxieties into more distinct categories – and in turn, that’s allowing me to distance myself from them and lessen their impact on me somewhat.

Working positively on my mental health re-awoke my body to the idea of improving its physical health. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that when I began my CBT sessions I also started the Couch to 5k app again.

And because I’m more in tune with these wilful changes in mentality at the moment, something in the app really struck me. In one of the Week 2 runs, the narrator (a choice of five voices; I always choose Jo Whiley) says,

“It’s all about changing your mindset. Instead of, ‘I hate running, I hate running,’ just try repeating, ‘I love running, I love running.’ Doing this changed everything for me.”

And as I dutifully repeated that phrase over and over, something inside me just switched. I began to enjoy myself. Not just the post-run endorphins, and not just at moments throughout the run. No – I was actually looking forward to getting outside!!

I found myself getting into a Real Running Routine

For the last two months I’ve gone for a run every few days. Whereas before I’d been looking for excuses to not go outside, now I watch the clock as my favoured running time approaches. I’ve bought proper trainers (the proviso being that every time I consider avoiding a run, I’ll remember how much I spent and be guilt-tripped into it!). I’ve discovered that my pacing works best if I listen to a Punk playlist on Spotify. I even track my route on Strava.

And all this culminated on a hot day in south London, when I found myself running for twenty minutes straight – just under 3km without stopping. The best part? It didn’t even feel particularly difficult!

I’d reached the end of Week 5 in the app, and I was buzzing. But there was a problem. I was about to spend two weeks in Trento, Italy, at the Traverse blogging conference – where there’d no doubt be late nights, hungover mornings, a busy schedule and presumably no time at all to run.

I immediately threw my hands up in resignation – until a friend said, completely reasonably, “Why can’t you just run in Italy?”

It was like a lightbulb had gone off in my head.

Why on earth COULDN’T I run in Italy?!

Nervously, I typed in, ‘Where to run in Trento, Italy’ into Google. I could feel the anxious thought processes revving up in my head, matching time as the page loaded.

“It’ll be way too hot to run there – the forecast says 30’C! You usually run in the early evenings and that won’t happen, there’ll be parties to go to. Besides, I bet there’s nowhere good to run, no parks or anything – and even if there are, the only good places might be miles away from your Airbnb. And what if it’s not safe? What if someone jumps you?”

The search page loaded. Bam. Right in the middle of Trento, Google maps showed me a cycle path beside a river. It looked stunning.

Better than that. It looked PERFECT.

My first ever international run

The night before I flew to Italy, still nervous about whether or not I’d manage any runs during the fortnight, I did a hasty session on the pavements surrounding my house (Week 6, session 1, which meant runs of 5 mins, 8 mins, and 5 mins with gaps in between). It was a little daunting but I managed it – and I knew that meant two runs of 10 minutes apiece in Italy.

Once I arrived in Trento, it was immediately apparent that factoring in a run would be hard. But on my third night I barely drank any alcohol, and woke the next morning at 8am with a clear head and that newly-familiar sensation fizzing in my blood. I WANTED TO RUN.

Headphones into my ears, keys tucked inside my bra, sunglasses on my face (who knew if they’d fall off but it was way too sunny outside not to wear them), I skipped down the three flights of stairs and into the streets of Trento.

It was already 25’C at the river, and I wasn’t sure if running for two sets of 10 minutes (Week 6, session 2) in this heat was going to work – but I’d apparently made up my mind, because when Jo Whiley’s voice told me to run, I JUST BLOODY RAN.

And it was incredible.

From the moment my feet hit the tarmac I felt empowered. I felt delirious. I couldn’t believe I was running in northern Italy, surrounded by the most stunning views – and by the time the second set of ten minutes started, I was wildly snapping selfies and videos of myself and the river, the mountains, and the trees.

I wouldn’t have wiped that grin off my face if you’d paid me.

Has running cured my anxiety?

I keep reminding myself that there probably isn’t a magic fix for my anxiety. Instead, I have to learn techniques to keep it in check. Thankfully, running is doing wonders for pulling me back into the real world and being slightly less afraid of all the things which might (yet probably won’t) happen. Other lovely offsets include:

Feeling less self conscious. If people see me sweaty and red in the face, so goddamn what?!

Feeling motivated. Running motivates me to get out of the house, and I haven’t spent three days sobbing in bed for months.

Being able to see such a clear progression in my endurance levels. Realising that I’m actually upping my ability to run further is EXTRAORDINARY!

Actually wanting to go for a run. I never thought it would happen, but after sitting at a desk all day my legs are urging me to head for the park.

Case in point: the afternoon I flew back from Italy (after nine days without running) I pulled on my trainers, began jogging slowly, and within the first few minutes I felt the sluggishness begin to fall away. It wasn’t the easiest of runs, but I could sense how it was affecting my body and my mind.

It’s surreal to say this – but I actually think I love running.

Which is why I just signed up for my first ever 5km run on July 21st – a Cancer Research UK ‘Race for Life’.  Hopefully in a month’s time I’ll be ready for it. Watch this space!

What’s your stance on exercise and mental health? Have you found running helps with your anxiety?

The post Why My New-Found Love of Running Helps My Anxiety appeared first on Flora The Explorer.

via WordPress http://bit.ly/2WWN3st