#this post is about me losing my friend in the train station because i forgot to do headcounts bc we were in a larger group than usual and

[just-anotherrandomartist]

what if orpheus never looked back, what if he did trust that eurydice would be behind him the whole time, what if he got so focused on getting out he forgot to look back, what if he got to the above world and eurydice still wasn’t there

[houseboatisland]

I'm rather curious for your own takes on Thom Thom~✨💙

Edit credit to @/ComradeOpThomas from Twitter, this is my ideal Thomas!

(Season 5 Thomas is the best Thomas, I don’t make the rules)

I started this hoping for it not to become a whole biography, but it just kept pouring out of me, so here's a very, very long post indeed lol

Thomas is NOT an L.B.S.C.R. E2 Class. He’s actually a unique design born to the North Western Railway in its earliest days… and in remarkably sad circumstances.

When the Railway Executive Committee first took over in August 1914, they were repulsed at the state of the Sudrian railways. Here were several argumentative companies operating in isolation from one another, with geriatric engines and stock, and one of them hadn't even run a train or maintained its permanent way since the start of the century. A key agenda item of the R.E.C.'s was a continuous, efficient railway system to quickly move men and materiel to the Island's eastern coast were Ireland to side with Kaiser Bill against John Bull. The existing standard gauge railways would have to be more or less torn up and rebuilt from scratch, and several new miles of track laid in to make for a single fluid network.

This required, among other things, many new engines. Several came over the Channel as and when could be spared by the Mainland, but as it became increasingly clear that the war would not be over "by Christmas," this wasn't an ideal long-term solution. The R.E.C. was especially upset that it had to put so many of its tender engines onto construction trains when their strength could be better used on other work. Two tank engines off the former Wellsworth and Suddery Railway, No. 1 "Short" and No. 2 "Stumpy" were by now nearing fifty years old, and exhausted mechanically.

The R.E.C., out to keep costs down and use resources to the fullest, ordered the N.W.R. to scrap these two engines and use the best parts of each to create one new engine. Measurements were taken, plans were hastily drawn up, and Short and Stumpy were quietly cut up in January 1915. Several fittings were made new for what odds and ends neither engine could contribute a usable part. The resulting new engine was "Thomas," who was put to work fresh off the shop floor.

Thomas at this point became the N.W.R.’s No. 1 quite by accident. He was the first engine to be built at Crovan’s Gate, and the REC misinterpreted this on his builder’s plates as an intention by the N.W.R. TO make him No. 1. So when Thomas gained his number, the R.E.C. and the N.W.R. both assumed this was deliberate by one another. And it was just too much of a hassle and too unimportant to change, so No. 1 he stayed.

As for his name, Thomas is named after Thomas Reginald Payne, the North Western Railway's first Chief Mechanical Engineer. Payne had made Thomas' construction a reality, from drawing up his blueprints to supervising his piecing together. Payne, who was CME from 1914 to his death in 1951, never forgot this connection to "his" engine, and often wanted to be on the shop floor whenever Thomas was in for repairs.

Thomas’ “infancy” was in a word, harsh. He was working around the clock, surrounded by engines who came and went, and did little if any socializing. Foremen were ordering him about at every turn. His first friend ever was the new N.W.R. No. 2, Edward, the former Wellsworth and Suddery Railway’s No. 5 and only tender engine, who knew his old crewmates were chopped up to make Thomas. Thankfully, Edward knew better than to let Thomas in on this, lest he give him some sort of existential crisis, and he made quick work of making himself a mentor to the little engine.

In these conditions, Thomas’ “cheeky” and anti-authoritarian streak took shape. His whole life thus far had been work and taking lumps from his superiors, most of whom were English and not Sudrian. This morphed into a disrespect for big engines, who wanted him to be their errand boy as construction work began to ebb and focus shifted to running trains. Ever the contrarian, Thomas only doubles down on his disrespect for tender engines when he finds out that that’s “the traditional order of things.” Edward is of course exempt from this attitude, but in his tensest moments Thomas can even lose patience with HIM momentarily.

The war finally ends. January 1919 sees the N.W.R. out to make an identity for itself as peacetime takes hold and Parliament quietly rumbles about Grouping or outright Nationalization. Thomas is the first engine to wear "Hatt Blue with Red Stripes," the company's planned standard livery. This isn't unique to him for long, however, and Thomas' new line of work from hereon is Station Pilot for Vicarstown. Needless to say this is upsetting to him. He's not moving up and down the Island like he was when building the railway. He's still rushed off his wheels. He's expected to be answerable to tender engines as he makes up their trains. Most importantly, he's still having as much difficulty as before to make time to make friends. This new job is in every respect everything Thomas could have wanted to avoid, and there's no telling if he'll ever even get out of it. January 1919 is thus where "Wants to See the World" Thomas begins.

Thomas still gets to see Edward regularly, and he is for a pinch joined by two other tank engines shunting at Vicarstown. They're also ex-Wellsworth and Suddery Railway, Nos. 3 and 4 "Edwin" and "Victor." Thomas befriends Victor, who is a friendly old joker, but dislikes Edwin who has become cranky in his old and as a 2-4-0T has a tendency to slip and not be of much help. They leave him too, in 1922, when The Fat Director relocates them to run other branchlines on the Island. So, 1922 onward, we meet Thomas as the sole pilot, thoroughly busy and thoroughly lonely.

This seems more or less canon, but The Fat Director probably sent Thomas to Wellsworth after his runaway with Edward's trucks in anticipation of giving him the Ffarquhar Branch once he was a matured engine. He didn't give Thomas the line just because he rescued James in fine style, that was really what made his mind up.

Thomas looks kindly enough on Henry as a big engine at this time, he and Edward as mentioned aren't necessarily the kinds of "Big Engines" he dislikes. He'll occasionally give him a tease or two, or lose patience with his health, (something he now deeply regrets years later,) but there's no real malice in it. Think of him as the little brother poking fun at his bigger brother for having one arm in a cast, but altogether still feeling sorry for him and accommodating him how he can. Henry for his part appreciates Thomas, but takes his teasing very seriously considering how sensitive and implicating it is to, you know, his whole existence.

My idea of Thomas' relationship with Gordon is heavily inspired by @/mean-scarlet-deceiver's: Thomas is initially awed by Gordon's arrival and finally confident the N.W.R. can survive, but quickly resents him when he shows his true colors as a "big engine" through and through. I wouldn't even call Gordon and Thomas "friendly" until their alliance at Toryreck Mine. From 1923 all the way up to then, depending on when you place it, they... legitimately dislike each other. There's no affection beneath all the ribbing and jibes, they ACTUALLY disliked each other that whole period of time.

I'm still hashing out my headcanon of 98462 and 87546, (just know that those aren't actually their numbers,) but it's safe to say Thomas hates their guts, and '62 and '46 hate his guts in return as a servant willing to speak up for himself.

Thomas and James were a couple from 1924 to 1933, when they broke up amid the Big Engine Strike. I'd really rather reserve this for a post of its own at a later date.

Thomas and Percy are good friends, but I wouldn't go so far as to call them "best friends" like the TVS has so often hammered in. They clearly come to blows whenever the tension's too much. I like to explain that away as a shift in Thomas' character. With him doing more passenger work as Percy and Toby handle the stone trains, and his increasing fame, Thomas begins looking down on Percy, not long after he transferred to Ffarquhar in 1955 in fact. This might also have to do with unresolved feelings between them both. (Hey, remember that little green engine you kissed once just to try it over twenty years ago? He's your roommate now, probably forever. Play nice!)

[amysteryspot]

Better With You - Thomas Shelby x Female Reader

Request: If you can could you please do one about Tommy having a sort of possessive claim over you (not in an abusive way of course) even though you’ve never looked at him in that way, and when Michael comes into the family again you two get close, which makes Tommy extremely jealous.

Requested by: Anonymous

Fandom: Peaky Blinders

Pairing: Thomas Shelby x Female Reader

Summary: Thomas has known (Y/N) for all of her life and loved her for most part of his, always disguising his claim on her as friendly protectiveness. What happens when Michael makes his way back into the family and starts to get a little too close to her for Tommy’s liking?

Warnings: swearing, mentions of war, mild smut (?).

Word Count: 3526

A/N: I had a lot of fun writing this. Hope you all have fun reading it too. An especial thank to @the-friendly-editor​ for helping me edit this, it meant a lot to me. Tags are at the end of the post, if you want to be add send me a message. I would love to hear what you think of it, your feedback is always appreciated.

 Things you should consider before reading this:

1. I named the Shelby’s mother Anastasia because I felt like I needed to do that. Also, I know that there is a lot of discussion about Finn and the rest of the Shelbys having the same mother or not. I just assumed that they all have the same mother and she died a little after giving birth to Finn. It is not something groundbreaking for the fic but I wanted to clarify just in case.

2. The boys went to war right at the beginning of it; I just ignored the information given to us by “The Ballad of Tommy Shelby”.

3. I probably forgot to warn you about something, I’m sorry.

 (Y/N) = Your Name | (Y/N/N) = Your Nickname | (Y/L/N) = Your Last Name | (Y/E/C) = Your Eye Color

If you asked Tommy how long he had known (Y/N) (Y/L/N), he wouldn’t know how to answer—fuck, it seemed like the woman had been in his life forever.

He remembered the day his mother had brought him to the (Y/L/N)’s house for them to meet the new baby. Four-year-old Tommy had complained all the way to their neighbor’s house, much to his older brother’s amusement, until their mother had given him a scolding. (Y/N)’s birth had been the talk of Watery Lane. They finally had a sweet little girl for the neighborhood to dote on.

With two sons, Anastasia was more than happy to welcome the little girl into their lives, not so secretly longing to have a daughter, and that was the reason for Tommy to be fussing over going to see the newborn—jealousy.

However, nothing could have prepared little Tommy for what was about to happen when his mother sat him down on the couch and Mrs. (Y/L/N) put the bundle of covers in his arms—his icy blue eyes stared down at baby (Y/N), who stopped crying instantly when she looked up at him with bright (Y/E/C) eyes of her own. From that moment on, Tommy knew that he would always love her.

And love her he did, since that day and throughout all of their lives. He would raise hell at home for his mother to bring him to the (Y/L/N)’s home so he could see (Y/N), and the three adults would all be astonished at how easily the baby would stop crying when she was in his arms. It wasn’t really a surprise that the first word she babbled was “Tom” or that when she started walking, on wobbly feet, it was Tommy she was seeking.

As they grew up, they grew closer, until it became almost impossible to have one without the other. When Ada was born, Tommy was worried about the possibility that (Y/N) would forget about him, that she would be too enchanted by having another girl around. Instead, as the time passed, he discovered that his little sister was one more reason for (Y/N) to spend more time at the Shelby home.

Even when he started messing around with the boys on the street, and she befriended other girls at school, they would still seek each other out whenever they could. They stuck together when their teenage years came, when Tommy started fooling around with girls from school and secretly scaring down most of the boys that showed any interest in (Y/N).

At least, he did until the day she came crying to him about not being good enough or pretty enough for anybody, not like the girls he would go out with, and breaking his heart; that certainly wasn’t what he had in mind when chasing down the boys. All he had wanted was to protect her, to make sure that she wouldn’t exchange him for some other boy. He wanted to ensure that she was his and his only.

That was actually the reason that led to their first kiss—her first kiss—(Y/N/N) had asked him, pleaded with him, through all the tears to just kiss her and get it done. Fifteen-year-old (Y/N) was sure that nobody would ever want her, and she wanted to experience it at least once. She told Tommy he was the only one she trusted with the task.

“It will mean nothing to you, Tom. You have kissed a million other girls already—I will just be another one for you—but it’s important to me. Please, Tom? Please, please.”

Her pleas had won him over, but (Y/N)’s words couldn’t have been further from the truth—the kiss had meant something for him. It had meant more than he predicted when he gave in to her begging, because the moment their lips touched, Tommy realized he was in love with his best friend and the worst part was that she didn’t had a fucking clue about it.

Then Tommy did what he did best; he pretended that it never happened, pushing it away and never talking to anyone about the kiss or his feelings. He stopped chasing down the boys who would show interest in (Y/N) and watched as she eventually started going out with some of them, laughing with him about how stupid she was to think that no one would ever like her.

When her first boyfriend got too handsy and she broke up with him—not before giving him a good left hook that left him with a very black eye, just like Tommy had taught her—(Y/N) had gone straight to the Shelby home, looking for comfort in his arms. Tommy pretended that the gnawing feeling in his chest was nothing but brotherly protectiveness instead of anger, jealousy and possessiveness—a destructive combination, especially on a Shelby boy.

(Y/N) had stayed with him that night, and the both of them slept together like they used to when they were kids. First thing in the morning the next day, right after he left her at her own house, he found her now ex-boyfriend and beat him up. Arthur and Freddie had to get him off of the guy, afraid of what he would end up doing if they didn’t stop him.

After that, Tommy had focused on channeling his frustrations into going out with every girl in town that wasn’t her. It wasn’t difficult, he was good looking and charming and he was very aware of it; that’s how he met Greta, and thought that he could get over his feelings for his best friend with her.

Greta’s parents were against their involvement at first, but he charmed them, so they started dating. His heart broke down when (Y/N) found out and showed genuine happiness for him having finally found somebody to settle down with.

Tommy’s plan was to end things between them. However, Greta fell ill and he didn’t have the heart to break up with her, so he stayed by her side until she passed. (Y/N) gave him support in the only way she knew how: by loving him.

Just not in the way he wanted her to.

When they thought that things would go back to normal, the War exploded and Tommy did the only thing he considered right in his eyes: he enlisted alongside his brothers. Their first fight had taken place on the night he told her he was leaving for France in two weeks. (Y/N) had hit and screamed at him until he was able to take a hold on her and then, then she cried in his arms the whole night, afraid that she would lose him forever.

They did the best they could with those two weeks. Once more, nothing could have prepared Tommy for (Y/N)’s appeal the night before he was shipping to France. She had come to him right after dinner. Her father was preparing himself to leave, too, and both of the (Y/L/N) women were enjoying whatever time they had left with him before he was gone.

As they both laid there in his bed, resting in each other’s arms and staring at the ceiling, (Y/N) made the decision that would seal his fate if he could survive the war.

“Make love to me.”

It wasn’t a question, nor a request—she was simply telling him to make love to her like this was the most logical thing in the world. His breath caught in his throat, preventing him from answering at first, and (Y/N/N) took that as a cue to reassure him.

“It will be like my first kiss, Tommy, just something I have to get over with. I want it to be you. I trust you. Let me give you at least one last good memory of me before you go.”

Again, he caved in, not needing much more convincing than the certainty in her eyes as she looked down at him, propped up on one elbow. Her hand rested unintentionally above his heart. Granting her wishes, he let himself dive into his own desires, touching her the way he had wanted since they had kissed for the first time.

He worked her body like a delicate instrument and pulled at her strings smoothly, engraving every beautiful sound that he coaxed out of her and the feel of her under his fingertips in his memory. When morning came, they were still a mess of limbs intertwined together, trying to hold on to a last thread of hope and imprint the last few hours on their memories.

In a way, (Y/N) was right. The boy that entered that train in 1914 wasn’t the same that got out of it in 1918. Yet, his love for her never faltered; it just became a tad more… dangerous.

Thomas lost count of how many letters they had exchanged during the past four years. He lost count of how many times he dreamt of her, of coming back home and telling her how he felt. However, any courage he had gathered vanished the moment he saw her waiting for him at the train station. He couldn’t condemn her to a life by his side, he had already taken enough from her.

Polly had told him in her letters how (Y/N/N) had helped her with the business, with the house, with Finn, and with any other thing she could. Especially after her mother, who had given up on life after Mr. (Y/L/N) was killed in combat, passed. A part of him felt guilty for not being there for her as much as she was for him when his mother passed and his father left.

“She’s a Shelby now.”

That’s what Polly had said when he asked her if (Y/N) had any remaining family.

Not much changed when they returned. (Y/N/N) still worked with them. She spent more time at the Shelby home and the gambling den than at her own place. The two of them still sought each other out, not talking much, but enjoying each other’s company. It was in those quiet moments with her that Tommy had a little peace.

Thomas drowned himself in work to forget it all, wanting to expand the business, unleashing his ambitions so long smothered by the war. They found the guns, in a strike of luck, he thought. Both Polly and (Y/N) advised him to let it go, but he just couldn’t. It was too good of an opportunity.

Campbell had come because of it, and with him, Grace. At the time, he didn’t know who she really was. He thought that the beautiful, blonde barmaid was just that: beautiful and innocent, everything he and his family were not. So he fooled himself, fell for her, and then she betrayed him and left for America.

Again, (Y/N) was there for him, and again, he found himself sinking into his love for her. The only good thing that came from all this mess was that the business was never better. He thought that it was time to start planning for an expansion, and with that came another thing that he hadn’t quite predicted—Michael.

He had planned to find Polly’s children for her. She had been suffering quite a lot lately. Even if people thought that his heart was as good as gone, he wanted his family to be okay. He wanted them to be happy.

Thomas found the boy and he came to Polly, making his way into the family and the business quickly. That included starting to get close to (Y/N) – too fucking close for his liking.

It was supposed to be natural, he knew that. (Y/N) kept the books at the shop. She was better with numbers than most of them, so it was natural that she would be the one to help Michael when he assumed the position of accounts clerk.

After they came back, he learned that (Y/N) had become very good at sneaking around without getting caught. It was rare to see her with any men whose last name wasn’t Shelby, or wasn’t closely related to the Peaky Blinders. That didn’t mean she didn’t have men swooning over her all the time, or that he was finally okay with that—much like when they were teenagers, he wanted to chase them all down—the only difference was now he was more deadly.

“I couldn’t have done it without you.”

It was Michael’s voice that brought him back to reality, and his gaze fell immediately on the boy. They were all gathered on the snug in the Garrison. (Y/N) was sitting between him and Michael, Tommy’s arm casually rested on her shoulders.

(Y/N) said, “Oh, no, you would totally get it... after a few more weeks.”

Everyone burst out laughing at her remark, but the only thing he could think about was the hand Michael rested on (Y/N)’s thigh. His own hand clenched around his glass before he downed the rest of its contents.

He didn’t notice Polly’s gaze on him. Despite what most people believed, Tommy had never been a good liar. He could get away with omitting information to people and redirecting the conversation, most of the time, but a direct confrontation was a completely different thing. Polly was always able to read him first, to know the things he wasn’t willing to share.

“Maybe we should just hire you instead of Michael, then.” He ignored the look (Y/N) gave him, taking another drag of his cigarette and looking away.

However, he couldn’t miss the lingering touches, or how (Y/N/N) leaned into Michael when he talked to her, and how she was just so comfortable with him. It made his blood boil.

When (Y/N/N) said she wanted to get home he offered to walk her, and was fairly surprised at how she didn’t say a word to him until they reached her front door.

Then she turned to face him, features painted with anger, and asked, “What the hell was that, Tom?”

He actually rolled his eyes. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

(Y/N) huffed, turning around to unlock the door before entering the house, leaving it open for him to follow. She went straight to the dressing room, shedding her coat and throwing it at the table with her purse as he followed her closely.

“Oh, you know exactly what I’m talking about.”

She was taking her shoes off, and Tommy took advantage of the moment to let his eyes follow her movements. God, was he in love with that woman.

“I’m talking about your attitude with Michael at the Garrison. That was completely unnecessary,” She said.

“Someone had to put that boy in his place,” Tommy said.

(Y/N) turned to him then, and he would be worried with that look if he hadn’t been at the receiving end of her anger for so many years.

“Oh, please enlighten me, Thomas. What is his place?” (Y/N) asked.

“For fucks sake, (Y/N/N), he was all over you!”

She rolled her eyes. “He is a boy, Thomas, a boy. He’s family…”

Tommy never thought that what would make him snap would be hearing her say that Michael was family, but apparently it was.

“He’s family, huh?” Thomas said. “He is fucking family! Then he should know better and stay away from you.”

She stared at him for a moment, brow furrowed, as she seemed to put the puzzle together in her head. “Why would he stay away from me, Tom?”

He turned around to face away from her for a moment, rubbing a hand over his face. “No, no. You won’t make me feel guilty for that.”

“Make you feel guilty for what, Tommy?”

He recognized the hint of annoyance on her tone and couldn’t ignore it anymore, the alcohol giving him the courage that he had lost that day on the train station, as he turned around and shouted, “For loving you!”

She held her breath, eyes widening as she stared back at him.

Tommy continued, “Michael should stay away from you because you’re fucking mine and I love you.”

“Tommy, I’m not your property, and you know that I love you…”

“No, you don’t,” he interrupted her, making her look at him with confusion, “You don’t love me the way I love you. The way I’ve loved you since the fucking day you asked me to kiss you when you were fifteen!”

He saw her flinch before murmuring his name, trying to gain his attention but he couldn’t stop now. The truth was finally out there and he just had to go on with it, let it all out before he lost his mind.

“You said to me that it would mean nothing, that it would be just another kiss for me, but you were wrong,” Tommy said, his breaths short.

She looked bewildered, and Tommy held onto a strand of hope he didn’t even know still existed.

“That kiss meant fucking everything. From that day on, I’ve never seen you in the same way as before, because I realized I was in love with you and you didn’t feel the same. So I ignored these feelings while I saw you going out with boys, and I’ve thrown myself into fucking every girl that wasn’t you because I knew I couldn’t have you, not the way I wanted.”

Tommy didn’t notice that he was walking to her until they were just a breath apart.

“Then I found Greta, and I thought that I could forget you, but it only reminded me that you are the only one I want. I was going to break up with her, but she fell ill. You stayed by my side, and just when I thought that I would have a chance to tell you everything, the war happened and I just couldn’t. I couldn’t, because there was no way in hell that I was going to risk going to fight in France and die. I couldn’t leave you here to suffer because of me, either because you felt the same or not.”

“Tommy…” (Y/N)’s voice was all but a whisper.

He couldn’t resist anymore, his hands brought her to him, his eyes observing hers from up close, not giving her time to talk or he would lose his courage.

“I was ready to go there and die, and never let you know how I felt. But you had to give me hope that night before I was shipped off to that fucking hell. You had to…”He took a deep breath, his eyes closing for a brief second, a flood of memories making his heart race faster. “You had to give yourself to me. You had to give me a taste of what I thought I could never have, to make me want to survive the fucking war, to come back to you, and to let you know about all of these stupid feelings.”

Tommy couldn’t wait anymore. He did the one thing he had wanted to since he had returned from France—he kissed her. It wasn’t gentle or patient; no, it was urgent and filled with passion and he didn’t know how to stop, not when she wasn’t pushing him away. He devoured her as a man starved, teeth clashing and hands grabbing at anything they could touch. They were both out of breath when they finally parted.

“You said that you wanted to give me one last good memory and it was that memory that kept me alive during most of the nights when I was stuck in the fucking mud,” Thomas said.

(Y/N)’s fingers were clinging to him like her life depended on it, like she was afraid to lose him to the War again.

Tommy took the moment to let the words spill out. “The memory of you and the feeling of you under my fingers, and all around me, and the way you tasted.”

His lips brushed against hers, fingers clawing at the flesh of her hips like they had done the night before he left for France.

He backed her up against the wall, hands trailing down to the back of her thighs, picking her up and trapping her with his body.

Tommy looked straight to her eyes as he spoke again, “How you writhed under me, all the beautiful sounds you made, and I just wanted to come back to you and make some new memories.”

(Y/N) shivered at his words. She gave him just a brief second to observe the rise and fall of her chest and her expanded pupils before he felt her fingers at the back of his head, forcing him to really look at her as she said, “Then let’s work on those new memories.”

Their lips clashed again, and every doubt that he ever felt vanished for a moment. That night their bodies moved together like old acquaintances, skin sliding against skin, hands gripping at each other, lips kissing every patch of skin while chanting a sinful choir of moans and curses alongside their names.

When Tommy woke up the next day, (Y/N/N) in his arms, he realized that he was finally home.

Taglist: @captivatedbycillianmurphy, @internalmess3

[hateswifi]

No More Second Chances: Chapter One

So I accidently delete this earlier and had a mini stress attack. So here it is back again. I hope you enjoy.

Master: Master List

No More Second Chances: Master List

-------------------

Marinette loved her family, but they didn’t believe her. They thought she was everything that her classmates said she was. One day she came home to Alya and Lila talking to her parents, Lila was crying. 

“I can’t believe you, I can’t believe myself! How could I raise someone who can be so heartless,” Sabine said, rubbing the tears from her eyes.

“Mama I didn’t do it!” Marinette defended.

“Don’t raise your voice at your mother, go to your room. I- We can’t even look at you,” Tom said, pointing at the door leading to the kitchen and upstairs.

“Let me explain though!”

“No, now go,” Sabine said, letting herself be enveloped in her husband’s supportive hug.

“I-” Marinette tries.

“Go! Now!” Tom says, rubbing Sabine’s shoulder. Marinette plopped down on her bed in tears, she’s so happy that Hawkmoth had been defeated or she wouldn’t be able to fight off the akuma. She was now the guardian and was solely in charge of the miraculous. Adrien, her best friend, and partner had been taken into the care of his aunt after Gabriel was revealed as Hawkmoth, leaving Marinette alone to suffer with the class. With no one to stand with her, the class became unbearable.

“Marinette, we are going to sign you up for the exchange program,” Sabine said sternly.

“Why can’t you understand that I didn’t do it? If you don’t believe me, fine, I’ll leave. There’s nothing here for me. My parents don't care and believe me. My classmates wish I was dead, most of them telling me to kill myself, which I have thought about but you wouldn’t that because you gave me so much freedom that it was borderline neglect. But ya know what? it’s fine, might as well lose my home along with the people I used to care about, Tikki let’s go pack!” Marinette screamed, Tikki flying over to comfort the girl.

“It’s ok Mari, I’ll still be with you,” Tikki said, nuzzling her head.

“Marinette, what is that?” Tom asks.

“You mean who! This is Tikki, the only person that cares about me,” Marinette says.

“I’m her kwami, I give her the power to be Ladybug,” Tikki explains.

“I guess if you can’t trust your daughter then you can’t trust Ladybug, the hero of Paris,” Marinette said, pulling her suitcase out of the closet. “When do I leave?” She asks through gritted teeth.

“Well, we started planning this a while ago so Monday,” Sabine cries. “But honey you don’t have to go! Stay here!”

“What were you going to wait till Sunday to tell me? That’s great. Well, I guess I don’t want to be a bother anymore, so you can leave,” Marinette said, grabbing clothes from her draw.

“I’m sorry Honey, please forgive me. You don’t have to leave I trust you,” Sabine pleads.

“Nope, if you can’t trust me, how can you trust Ladybug,” Marinette asks, toiletries from her bathroom. “You don’t care about me, that's all I need to leave. I’ll be back when I graduate to get the rest of my stuff. Then you’ll never see me again, just as you wanted.”

“No, sweetie you can stay with us we love you, we want you around,” Tom said. 

“Night, I’m going out, not like you would care or notice,” Marinette said. “Tikki, Spots on.” She said, transforming. “Shut off the light as you leave.”

“Marinette we need to talk about this!” Sabine said, trying to follow her up to the balcony.

“Bye, Sabine, Tom,” Ladybug said, jumping off the balcony. She sat on a roof and cried. She pulled out her phone and tried to compose herself. “A- Adr- Adrien, can I come to visit you tomorrow, well stay at your place till Sunday night?” Ladybug sniffles.

“What happened, Buginette?”

“Sabine and Tom are sending me away because Lila’s lies got to them, I revealed myself as Ladybug to them during my emotional spiel and they want me to stay because of it, but I can’t stay knowing that they don’t trust me, without the knowledge of me being Ladybug,” Ladybug explained, full-on tears rolling down her face.

“Ok that’s a lot, I’ll ask my aunt, I’m pretty sure she’ll say yes, though,” Adrien said. “Breathe with me ok” After she’s calm, she hangs up and grabs her stuff. She leaves her par-- Sabine and Tom a note.

‘Sabine, Tom,

I’m leaving but I’ll be home Sunday night. I will not speak to you, I just need you there so I can leave. Then you’ll see me once after I graduate to get the rest of my stuff. If you seek me out, I will not speak to you then. You’ve destroyed any chance you had at being in my life. For now, this is farewell. My decision won’t change.

- Marinette Jiayang Fu’

As Marinette got off the train, Sabine and Tom read her letter. They cried, not only had they driven their only daughter out of their home, they drove Ladybug out of Paris. She was so detached from them, because of them, she changed her last name. They mourned over their daughter and their mistakes.

“Adrien! I haven’t seen you in forever!” Marinette runs up and hugs him. He decided to meet her at the train station with Gorilla, Adrien convinced his aunt to keep Gorilla as his driver. He was happy to have a familiar face in London. 

“How are you doing?”

“I feel free? I guess being away from Paris is like a weight being lifted off of me,” Marinette sighed as she put her duffel in the trunk.

“Finally what took you so long?” a grumpy voice said as she opened the door.

“Sorry Marinette, I forgot to mention, we have to drop Felix off for a meeting before we head back home, ok?” Adrien said, closing the door.

“Of course. How have you been Felix? I haven’t seen you since you came to visit Adrien,” Marinette smiled.

“Fine,” he responds, before opening a manilla envelope. 

“Are you taking over your father’s business?” Marinette asks.

“Why does it matter?”

“Well if you are and it makes you happy, I’m happy for you,” Marinette smiled.

“What?” Felix asks looking up from his folder.

“I’m happy for you?” Marinette says, confused.

“Marinette, Felix may be a bit confused because you guys didn’t end on the best note,” Adrien explained.

“That’s all in the past,” Marinette said.

“Oh… um, thank you,” Felix says, looking back down at the papers.

“Don’t mention it,” Marinette said, looking out the window. Gorilla growls, prompting Felix to get out of the car. After Felix enters the building, Gorilla drives off back to the house.

“Aunt, I don’t know if you met my friend Marinette, but she’s here and she’s very nice,” Adrien greets, opening the door.

“Sorry Madame, I just couldn’t stay with my parents, but I’ll be gone Sunday afternoon. My parents are sending me to the states,” Marinette explained.

“I’ll show you to our guest room, Honey,” Amelie said, walking up the stairs. “Brunch will be soon.”

“Ok Ma’am,” Marinette said, opening the door.

“Nope, no ma’am, call me aunt. Adrien talks so much about you,” She smiles. “Get settled in and join us downstairs.”

“Ok, Aunt I’ll see you soon then,” Marinette giggles, closing the door before plopping down on the bed with a sigh she states. “This has been such a long day.”

“It’s only ten o’clock,” Tikki laughs.

“I know but I’ve been up all night,” Marinette complained, flipping to lay face down on the bed.

“I bet they’ll have coffee downstairs,” Tikki said, that was all Marinette needed to be motivated to go downstairs. After a lovely brunch, which included coffee, Adrien and Marinette decided to go to the tourist sights. Later, Adrien would post selfies among other pictures of them together. When she went to bed that night, she passed out.

Marinette woke up early the next morning, being a baker’s daughter and all. The only person awake was Felix, who was sipping tea and looking over his tablet. “Good morning Felix,” Marinette said, brewing a cup of coffee.

“Good morning, how long are you staying for?” He responded, looking up from his tablet.

“I’m going to leave after dinner, I’m catching a train back to Paris, because apparently, I have an early flight,” Marinette sighs.

“Very well,” Felix said, standing. He walks over to the sink and places his teacup in it. “Well, if I don't see you before you leave, have a lovely flight.”

“Thank you, Felix,” Marinette says as he leaves the room. Sunday flew by fast and soon Marinette and Adrien stood back on the train station platform. They hug good-bye with promises to talk soon. As she sat down on the near-empty train she sighed thinking of the journey ahead. When she got close to her house, she transformed into Ladybug and climbed in through the balcony hatch. She showered and went to bed.

When she woke up the next morning, she was met with the smiling faces of Tom and Sabine. She got up, brushed them, grabbed her suitcase, and headed downstairs.

“Please Marinette, reconsider, we’ll stand with you,” Sabine pleads.

She shakes her head and exits, she sits in the car and Sabine and Tom reluctantly get in. “I’m sorry that it came to this,” Tom said, starting the car, his eyes were red and puffy. On the way to the airport, they tried to convince her to stay, even when she was waiting to board her plane, they were still there pleading with her to forgive them. As her flight was called, they didn't hold back their tears.

“May we please have one more hug before we don’t see you again?” they plead, grabbing her hand. Now, Marinette may not be happy, she may be downright pissed at them, but she was not cold. 

She nodded her head and they enveloped her in a big wet, tear-filled hug. She broke away, leaving them together to board the plane. She never looked back.

She realized as she sat down as she was looking through her carry on for her sketchbook, they had left something in there for her. It was information about her host family, an apology letter she couldn’t be bothered to read. She now knew who she was supposed to be looking for when she landed. She spent the rest of the trip sketching in her sketchbook, watching Friends, and sleeping. 

When the plane landed, she got off the plane and got her luggage. She entered the main area of the airport, where three people with a sign stood. She smiled and walked towards the group. “Hello, are you Marinette?”

-------------------------- I hope you enjoyed, ask me if you want to be on the tag list.

[letsbenditlikebennett]

Drawing Daisies, Pushing Daisies || Ariana & Luce

TIMING: January 8th PARTIES: @divineluce & @letsbenditlikebennett SUMMARY: Luce gives Ariana yet another memorial tattoo and some secrets come to light.  CONTENT: Some mentions of grief and the situation with Lydia (domestic abuse/promise binds), use of needles in relation to tattoos. 

When she had first gotten the tattoo of wildflowers on her arm in honor of Celeste, Ariana hadn’t planned on her arm becoming a memorial. As it stood, she kept losing people she loved and wanted to carry them with her. Wanted to make sure she never forgot them and the lessons they taught her. One of these days, she was just going to get a completely silly tattoo. Today was not that day, but it was nice to dream. She walked into the familiar tattoo shop and waved as she spotted Luce at her station. It looked like she was mostly set up and ready to go even if Ari was running a few minutes early. She always enjoyed glancing at the art on the wall as she was in the shop. There was some new floral work up at Luce’s station that she looked at for a moment before taking her place by Luce. “Hey,” she said, “As always, thanks for drawing up something so great. I promise my next tattoo is going to be silly and not a memorial piece.” Her hand flew over her mouth as she realized her error, “I really need to not use that fucking word.” 

 Ariana wasn’t someone that Luce would claim to know well, but she knew that the girl had been through some shit. Fuck, the wildflowers on her arm were proof enough of that. So, when Luce had gotten the email about drawing up a new design, she’d been happy to do it. Art had the power to help people and so did tattoos, even if boomers liked bitching about how they were destroying common decency. If a back tattoo of Post Malone sparked joy, fuck, she’d do it. Which, thankfully, that wasn’t the case. No, she’d requested something with flowers and an old vinyl record, which had been a simple enough design that Luce could fit to match the girl’s pre-existing tattoos. “Yeah, for sure--” Luce started to say before her eyes widened. Glancing to the open door of her room, Luce walked over and shut the door, giving the two of them some privacy. “Memorial piece, huh?” She said cautiously as she went back to her desk, pulling the stencils she’d printed out for Ariana to look at. “I’m sorry to hear that… you lost someone.” Another someone. 

 With the door closed, it dawned on Ariana that she could talk more freely. Not that she really had any true scope of what human hearing could truly pick up over the music playing in the shop. It wasn’t like she had a point of reference. Maybe she’d ask Luis one of these days when he was a little more in tune with who and what he was now. For now, she focused on Luce and the stencils she was pulling out. “Yeah,” she said as nonchalantly as she could, “As the okay DJ Khalid would say, another one.” Nope, that felt wrong. Was she really getting to a point where she joked about the darker things in life? “That was a bad joke.” She shook her head and instead explained, “Remember the article about that one bitch in the paper? Whole horror house thing. Well, this one and the bat one are courtesy of that bitch.” She wasn’t even sure her name deserved to be spoken. That bitch seemed to sufficiently cover things anyway. She glanced over the stencils and pointed to the one she liked best. Though her sense of color was off, the yellow in the daisy seemed to be the brightest. Just like Todd had been. “Thanks,” she said softly, “It is what is. But I like that one.” She pointed to her favorite. 

 As the girl let out a wry, bitter joke, Luce did her best not to react. Everyone dealt with grief in their own ways. She knew that better than most. Her encounter with the tree dude in the forest was a reminder of that. He’d seen what she’d done in her rage and grief. Pulling out one of her trays, she busied herself pouring out some ink. At the mention of that bitch in the paper, with the horror house-- Luce’s hand slipped, black ink bottle spilling onto the silver tray. “Shit!” She swore, swiftly capping the bottle and grabbing some paper towels to wipe up the ink. Lydia. Lydia. She was talking about Lydia. “How do you know about Lydia?” Luce asked cautiously, still tentative about saying the woman’s name. She’d felt the Fae promise burn in the back of her throat before and, even though she knew it was long gone, there was still a part of her that shied away at the idea of saying the woman’s name aloud. “I, uh… Yeah. It’s a good one. I think it’s my favorite out of the bunch. They symbolize purity, innocence.” She said before biting her cheek. “Was your friend… were they in that house?”

 The sound of ink falling to the tray made Ariana flinch slightly. It only slightly startled her. More than anything, she was perplexed. Her head tilted and she looked at Luce curiously waiting for an explanation only to be met with a question. “Wait, how do you know about Lydia?” It was safe to say she was a pretty big part of Lydia’s crimes coming to light and ultimately Lydia’s death though she didn’t wield the knife herself. “Lydia and I… well, there’s a lot there. Mostly her murdering my friends and binding me into something that would have inevitably killed me and a bunch of other people had Kaden not saved my ass. Then I was the “unidentified teen” in that article.” Her fingers did air quotes as she said the unidentified teen. She was unsure if she should mention the whole getting Lydia killed thing. While she knew Nell would understand, but she had no idea where Luce stood on being a murder accomplice… even if said murdered person was actual trash. “My friend was definitely that.” Both Todd and Sammy had a very genuine way about them that made her wish she could have shielded them from Lydia. “Three of them were, yeah. Managed to save one of them… and another person, too.” 

 Luce didn’t want to say it. She should have kept her mouth shut, because of course this would be how the train of thought would go. How did she know Lydia? She couldn’t just tell Ariana that Lydia had… helped them sacrifice a man in the name of vengeance and retribution. Prepping her machine with steadied hands, Luce swallowed. “She had me locked in a promise too. I didn’t know about what she was doing at her house, but I knew that she was capable of some fucking awful things. So.” She paused, glancing down at the stencil as she pressed it against the girl’s skin, leaving an impression on Ariana’s arm. “When someone told me there was trouble, I went to help.” Help. That was a watered down version of the truth. She hadn’t helped anyone. Clearing her throat, Luce nodded, “Shit. I’m sorry… that you lost them.” She said, glancing back to the tattoos that decorated the girl’s arm. This poor fucking kid. Because that’s what she was, a kid. She didn’t deserve this. 

 Ariana hadn’t thought it was possible to hate Lydia more than she already did, but her having Luce locked into a promise as well seemed to do the trick. Somehow, even in death, she just kept getting worse. Her hands clenched into fists, but as it stood, Lydia couldn’t do this to anyone again. “Bitch,” she mumbled to herself before adding, “Her, not you obviously.” It was the next part that made her have to refrain from tilting her head as Luce placed the stencil on her arm. Help, what did she mean by that? Was she the person Athena had gone to for help while Ariana went with Kaden and Agatha to rescue Chloe, Todd, and Kelly? That had to be what she meant, right? She’d been so caught up in trying to deduce just what she meant by that she barely noticed the cool feel of the stencil on her arm. “Help,” she said slowly, “Did that help happen to be teaming up with a blonde warden?” She didn’t want to totally give Athena’s identity away if that wasn’t the case. She also didn’t want to just assume Luce had been down to help kill Lydia. Not that she judged it. Unless Lydia died, all she was ever going to bring to the world was pain. Then there was yet another apology for all she lost. “Thanks,” she responded instinctively at this point, “It is what it is, but I’m getting by.” And she was. Some days better than others, but it was getting by all the same. 

Ripping open a new pack of needles, Luce fitted them into her machine and pulled on a pair of gloves as she settled next to Ariana. The machine buzzed in her hand, the hum familiar and comfortable as she readied herself to begin the tattoo. But, before she pressed the needles to Ariana’s skin, she blinked in surprise at the girl’s words. If she wasn’t holding her machine, she might have flinched at the mention of a blonde warden. But she was a professional. And she wasn’t going to fuck up a tattoo, not even now. Swallowing, Luce glanced at Ariana. “She convinced me to go with her. Well,” She paused and pressed the tip of the machine to the girl’s skin, ink dancing at her fingertips, “I let her talk me into it.” Luce said, not wanting to say anymore. If Ariana knew who Athena was, then she probably knew what Luce’s brand of help had brought about. “Getting by,” Luce echoed with a small laugh. “As someone who’s been getting by for a while, I’m real fucking sorry that you’re in the same boat.”

 The buzz of the tattoo machine was slowly becoming familiar to Ariana. It was even becoming comforting in a way. It was gentle on her ears and she grew accustomed to the dull pain that came with it. She could tell her question through Luce for a loop though. Given, it meant she helped kill Lydia and Morgan had mentioned it wasn’t so kind, but she wouldn’t shed any tears over a murdered serial killer. One who’d hurt her and too many people she cared for. So kept her arm still and quietly said, “Thank you. I really didn’t want her going on her own and I had to get my friends out of her house.” Even if it wasn’t entirely successful. It didn’t make her feel any comfort to know Luce had been just getting by too. She knew about Bea and she knew how much losing a sister sucked. Even getting her back, she’d never be able to erase that experience. The feeling of the needle on her arm kept her steady and resolved, if only so she didn’t ruin her own tattoo. “I’m sorry, too. It’s a pretty shitty boat. I’d much prefer one of those all inclusive cruises if I have to be on any boat.” Focus still on keeping still, she softened her features, “I know I’m young, but if you wanted to talk about any of it, I’m a pretty good listener. If you’d rather not, that’s chill, too.” 

 Thank you. Those weren’t the words Luce wanted to hear, but how was Ariana to know that? She’d killed again and while Lydia was hardly an innocent… that didn’t change the fact that she was someone who posed no real threat to Luce or her family. She would have plagued some other town, some other people. Perhaps Luce had done the right thing getting rid of her. But even if it was, she hadn’t done it for the right reasons. “Are you and her friends? Athena?” Luce asked, the words careful as she focused on her work, making the lines nice and neat. “Yeah, I could do with a fucking cruise right about now.” She said with a nod. Pulling back, she dipped the tip of her machine in the ink and glanced at Ariana’s arm with a gentle but meaningful look. “You’ve got enough of your own stuff to deal with. I’m not going to add to that. But, thanks for the offer.” She said with a nod. “This town… demands a lot from the people who live here. I’m real fucking sorry that you moved here.”

 It dawned on Ariana that maybe thank you hadn’t been the right thing to say. Especially when she was able to piece together just what Luce had done to help. She wasn’t sure being thanked for murder was something most were comfortable with. She’d always been a bit impulsive with her words so she decided to gloss over it and acknowledge Luce’s question. “Oh, she’s my girlfriend actually,” Ariana answered, still not quite used to using the word. Talking with Luce and the dull pain that came with the tattoo made it easier for her to sit still, something she normally struggled to do. Even the daydream of a cruise would typically make her want to immediately jump into the ocean for a swim which was decidedly not so safe in White Crest. “I’d say I’d keep an eye out for raffles, but I’m pretty sure all the prizes in this town are also cursed. Fuck, it’d probably be a damn mime cruise.” Her face visibly cringed at the idea. It was okay that Luce didn’t want to talk and she would have shrugged if she hadn’t needed to sit still. “Everyone’s got shit to deal with. Offer still stands if you ever need it… or even just need someone to spar with. Not sure if you’re into that. I know Nell is. I think it helps.” While she knew Luce was right about this town being hard on people, she wasn’t sure she’d take back moving here. Even with all she’d lost, her and Celeste had both gained a lot, too. “I’m not,” she said surely. There wasn’t much she was sure of, but this she was. “As much as I miss Celeste, it was always just the two of us. She never had anyone to really talk to about things and she’d spent so much of her life trying to understand others. Make them feel seen and heard without ever really having that for herself and well, I think she may have found that in one of her friends here. I think maybe she finally got to be understood in ways I never really could.” She thought of Kaden fondly and knew he could relate to Celeste in ways she was never able to. In ways Celeste had deserved. She also knew Celeste wouldn’t want her to feel regretful. Though as much was easier said than done, she was trying. She added, “And I have so many people I love here, too. The loss, the pain-- it all sucks and some days it’s really  fucking hard, but there’s still so much good and so many people here I that I love.” 

 “Your girlfriend.” Luce echoed, doing her best to contain her shock. But it was impossible to keep the note of surprise from her voice. What the fuck was Ariana doing, dating someone like that? Not that… she could talk. Remmy had-- well. They’d never dated. Never really been anything. But, Remmy had been with her and they had been like Ariana. Someone good. Someone trying their best. So, what did that make her, then? “Sorry. I didn’t realize.” She said, hoping that the girl would leave it there. “I’m good.” She wasn’t, not by a long shot. But how could she explain to Ariana that she hated what she’d done? If Ariana was dating Athena, that meant something. And the fact she had wanted Lydia dead just as much as the Hunter meant more.”Thanks for the offer though.” She continued to run the machine along Ariana’s arm, the tip steady and constant as she made thin, precise lines. “It’s good. That you have people. It makes a difference in a place like White Crest.” Luce said because it felt like the right thing to say. She didn’t know. Not really. There were people here she loved, but at every turn, she’d run from them. “But yeah. It’s sure fucking hard here.”

 Ariana didn’t think too much of the surprise evident in Luce’s tone. After all, Athena was only just coming out to people and it probably came as a shock to most. She quickly added, “She’s only just starting to like really come out, but yeah, she’s my girlfriend.” Her voice was somewhat proud though the moment of pain that she had to force herself to sit still through got to her for a moment. Man, that soft side of the arm was not fun. Still, the buzzing of the tattoo machine was comforting in its own way. Then Luce said she was good and Ariana frowned slightly. Something in her doubted that, but she didn’t really know Luce well enough to push. “If you’re sure, the offer always stands. You and your sisters have always been good to me so you’re on the list of people I’d eat a mime for,” she cracked a small smile hoping to ease the mood a bit. It was clear Luce didn’t want to talk about things and she respected that, especially as the woman was currently drawing on her with a needle and all. She nodded in agreement, “It does. Makes all the other shit worth it. Not even sure where else I’d go, honestly. Plus, someone has to make sure Blanche eats food that’s not cheese balls.” Luce was right though. It was fucking hard. The last couple of months had given her some room to breathe and process all the grief, but there was still always that underlying fear when someone didn’t text her back right away that they were dead somewhere. “You got that part fucking right. But we’re tough, that’s why we make it here, right?” 

 Well. If they were dating, that had to mean that Ariana knew what Athena was, right? But, Luce swallowed as she wiped the excess ink away, Remmy had never known all of what Luce had done until it was too late. “I see. Well. Good for her.” Luce said, not really knowing how to reconcile this information. Ariana was a good kid, but Athena? Luce had been there, she’d seen how the girl had acted when they’d… taken care of Lydia. No, not taken care of. Who was she killed? Athena had killed Lydia and had convinced her to take part in it too. That unquestionable fact weighted heavily down upon her-- she’d helped get rid of Lydia. She’d burned her body from the face of the earth, wiped her existence clean. And she hadn’t had the right to do that. She could have lived with the promise she’d made to the Fae woman. But another town, other people, they would have been subjugated to the same horrors Lydia had brought here… 

 Clearing her throat, Luce focused back in on the conversation. “Trust me, you don’t need to go eating any mimes for me. Wouldn’t want you to go all stripey on me.” She said with an attempt at a grin. “It’s good to hear that Blanche’s got someone like you in her corner. That girl,” Luce said as she began to add in shading, running the machine over Ariana’s skin with a firm hand. “Gets into more than her fair share of trouble. But, I guess the same could be said for all of us.” Mulling over Ariana’s words, Luce shrugged. Months ago, she might have agreed. Being tough was all you needed, putting up a wall, handling things on your own was how you lived in this town. But now? “Sure is.” She said noncommittally. Changing the topic, Luce looked down at the tattoo. “I think we’re just about done with this. Just a bit more shading and we’ll be wrapped up.”

Ariana laughed a bit and refrained from shrugging, “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve gone all stripey. I know how to fix it now at least.” Humor was one way to look past the alarming parts of turning silent and stripey like a freaking mime. How they managed to do that was beyond Ariana, but she sure as fuck didn’t like it. There was another small laugh in regards to Blanche. Her knack for trouble could be amusing, but more than anything she was worried for her friend as of late. Even when she was striped, she barely even got a laugh out of Blanche. “Oh yeah, she’s a trouble magnet for sure, but like, same here. Maybe the town is just a trouble magnet.” She watched as Luce continued shading in and said they were just about done. A few more jokes were exchanged before Luce did the finishing touches. She looked down at it for a moment. The yellow almost as lively as Todd had once been, the perfect little tribute to the friend she should have been able to save. Something to carry with her every day to remind her to be better for all the Todds of the world. “It’s perfect,” she said softly before following her up to the counter to finalize payment. And it was, even if it left her with a sort of bittersweet feeling.

[spaceskam]

freedom tastes of reality

for @isobelevansappreciation day 5: self-discovery

Summary: With the help of Michael and a handful of beautiful women, Isobel figures out apart of herself. OR Aromantic Pansexual Isobel like we deserve.

Warning: mentions of explosions/war, implied sexual content

ao3

.1.

She was the first thing Isobel saw that night.

She looked like a literal angel: dark hair, dark eyes, dark skin, white clothes. Her hair was big, a mass of perfect curls forming a halo around her head and resting against her shoulders that were covered in a long white cardigan. Beneath that was a white tube top, white hot pants, white pumps. She was heaven-sent. Isobel forgot how to breathe.

Her eyes followed her to the bar all the way until Michael snorted loud enough to break her trance. Isobel looked back at him to see him smiling smugly at his drink.

"What?" she asked.

"Nothing," he hummed, "Just wondering how long you're gonna lie to yourself."

"Excuse me?"

Michael rolled his eyes and then looked her in the eyes.

"How old are you?" he asked. She furrowed her eyebrows.

"Twenty-one?"

"So you're an adult."

"Yes? What does–"

"And adults do things that are scary."

"I mean, not–"

"So go over there and ask her to dance and stop saying you come to a gay bar to make me feel better," Michael said, throwing a straw wrapper at her. She stared blankly at him for a moment, stumbling over her entire thought process.

"I'm not–"

"Izzy," he said, "Fuck labels. Have fun and figure it out on the way. You want to talk to her so go do it."

Isobel felt frozen for way too long. He eventually rolled his eyes and took a sip of his drink.

"Or don't. Not gonna shove you out of the closet," Michael said, putting his drink down, "But I'm gonna go hit on that guy over there. Take your time." Michael stupidly pat her on the back and swaggered over to a guy covered in tattoos and who Isobel wouldn't have assumed was his type.

But eventually her eyes drifted back to the absolute angel who was already looking at her. Isobel quickly looked back to her drink.

Yeah, that girl was gorgeous, that didn't mean Isobel wanted to dance with her. It didn't mean Isobel wanted anything to do with her at all. But she was staring at her and that had her face turning an embarassing shade of red.

And when she looked up again, Angel was coming closer.

"Do I know you from somewhere?" Angel asked. Isobel, bold and ever-confident Isobel, opened and closed her mouth a few times to try and find words. And Angel smiled. "I think I do."

"I don't think–"

"No," Angel said, "I know you. I can feel it. Come dance with me."

And, well, Isobel couldn't say no.

By the end of the night, she and Michael walked home full of excited laughter at the new revelation.

.2.

Isobel decided she was blessed when a stunning, long-legged maid of honor walked into the venue.

She looked like a goddess, honestly, high-waisted jeans and a dark purple shirt tucked into them. Her sun-kissed skin complimented her short, firetruck red hair. Isobel hadn't seen the braids maid dressed yet, but she could already see her looking gorgeous in it.

"Isobel, uh, Evans Events, right?" she asked, "Daphney sent me in her place. She's sick and can't taste anything."

"Well, you're a good friend," Isobel smiled, "Nice to meet you."

Isobel led the way to the kitchen where the caterers had set up a bunch of cakes to test. Goddess looked over them and gave her a little smirk.

"Maybe it's unprofessional of me to ask," Goddess said, "But do you maybe wanna try these with me?"

"Maybe it's unprofessional of me to agree," Isobel said, "But why not?"

The next 45 minutes consisted of making eyes with a stranger while trying cake, creating a new form of foreplay out of nothing more than looks. It built slow until eventually they stood closer and Goddess made an excuse to make her try a bite off her fork. Isobel hummed softly in approval and watched as Goddess licked off the excess icing after her. It was small, but heat bloomed in her stomach at the sight.

As confident as Isobel was, this was also brand new territory. She'd danced with women, even kissed them, but she'd only ever slept with men. It was a travesty, honestly, but it seemed like she had a real shot at experiencing something.

"I think this is the one," Goddess said, nodding.

They wrapped that up as quickly as possible and yet it still felt like hours of talking and trying to make sure she didn't let this woman just leave. Eventually, when they finally finished finalizing that, Goddess turned to her.

"Would it be unprofessional to ask you to walk to me to my car?" she asked.

"I mean, technically, you're not my client and my day ended with finalizing the cake choice. What we do doesn't have to be professional," Isobel said boldly. Goddess smiled slow and suggestive and Isobel was losing her goddamn mind.

She walked her to her car and neither of them left it for the next 45 minutes.

.3.

"Don't tell Max."

"Oh, my favorite stories start like that, go on."

Isobel rolled her eyes at Michael and bit the tip of her thumb as she looked around to make sure no one overheard. She leaned against his shoulder.

"I'm gonna sleep with his new coworker."

Michael laughed, but he hid it by bowing his head when she dug her elbow into his side. Then her name was called and she left his side to grab the tray of four coffees. They waited until they got outside and started walking to the police station before they continued their conversation.

"How do you know she's into women?" Michael asked, "Actually, how do you guys do that? 'Cause I still haven't figured out how to do that if I'm not in a gay bar."

"It's all about the eye contact, Michael, Jesus, you know nothing," she scolded. He just snorted in response, waving for her to continue. "I brought Max coffee yesterday like I always do and I had to wait for him to get back and we talked a little bit and basically I know she's into me."

"She said that?"

"No, eye contact, keep up."

"Oh, okay," Michael said, "How can you tell the difference between, like, normal cop eye contact and flirtatious eye contact?"

"What do you mean? There's a clear difference between authoritative eye contact and 'fuck me' eyes," she said. Michael didn't respond right away and she gave an exaggerated sigh. "You poor, poor child."

"Yeah, whatever, I'm the one getting regular dick from a guy training to be a military officer and you're just making eyes at your brother's co worker, who's the real loser here?"

"Still you."

"Rude."

Isobel smiled and looped her arm with his, both of them grabbing their respective coffees and taking a sip as they continued walking towards the station.

When they stepped inside, she almost immediately saw Jenna Cameron sitting posted up on her desk. She was as gorgeous as she remembered and immediately went to give her the coffee she got her.

"Didn't forget you this time," Isobel said as Michael excused himself to give them space.

"Thanks," Jenna said, taking a sip slowly and maintaining eye contact. For a moment, Isobel could see how Michael blurred the two different types. But she could tell and it felt glaringly obvious. "You know, Max doesn't talk about you enough."

"Oh?" Isobel asked, smiling as she leaned against the desk, "Well, what is he leaving out?"

"From what I can tell," Jenna said, pausing to give her an obvious once over, "A lot."

"Well, maybe we can go out for drinks and I'll tell you anything you want to know," Isobel proposed. Jenna smirked and nodded.

"I'd like that," she said, "And maybe I can teach you a few things while I'm at it."

"Like what?" Isobel prodded.

Jenna just shrugged, coyly taking another sip of her coffee and keeping Isobel on her toes. She enjoyed every goddamn second.

"Just a couple of things," she said, "Maybe a couple different ways to use handcuffs. You know, if you're interested."

Isobel sucked in a deep breath and her skin felt hot. It was so, so forward. She was obsessed already. Sorry, Max.

"I'm interested. Absolutely."

"Good."

And Jenna taught her more than a few things.

.4.

It wasn't until she was 26 that Isobel realized something might be a little off.

"Shhh, it's okay," Isobel whispered, combing back Michael's hair as he threw up until there was nothing left to throw up and he was just dry heaving and sobbing into the toilet.

He'd gotten a call from one of Alex's brothers who gave a slightly incoherent spiel that boiled down to Alex's unit having been bombed and he hadn't been found yet. There was a chance he'd never be found or, if he was, he wouldn't be found alive. Michael was a mess.

It didn't quite make sense to her, mainly because she didn't realize he and Alex were still speaking. She thought they hooked up sometimes, but she didn't notice that Michael saw it as more than a hook up. And, yeah, you could be upset about a hook up or a friend dying, but... This was Michael. He was deteriorating in her hands.

She tried to think about a time maybe he'd let on that he was in a relationship with someone and couldn't remember it. She always just assume he was like her, not like Max, and thought dating was stupid. It was fun to hook up, but she never really craved more. Hell, ever since Michael encouraged her to ignore labels and just dive into her sexuality, she stopped worrying about that pressure all together. Every time someone asked when she was going to get married and pissed her off, she had Michael right there confirming her feelings right alongside her.

And now he wasn't.

"It's not okay," Michael choked out, "It's never gonna be okay."

Isobel laid her cheek between his shoulder blades, still combing through his hair and trying her damnedest to comfort him through something she couldn't understand.

"We-we were supposed to have more time," Michael cried, "This was supposed to be his last tour. He was supposed to come home. We were gonna get married, Isobel. Now he's just gone. He's gone. I didn't get to say goodbye."

Married. That one word rung in her mind through his whole speech. He wanted to get married. Her brother, the one person just like her, wasn't like her at all. He wanted to get married. She hadn't considered it. She hadn't wanted to.

She thought through the catalogue of people she'd hooked up with and not a single one had she ever wanted to actually be with romantically. It never crossed her mind. Was it possible she still hadn't met the one?

She pushed the thoughts out of her head for later. Michael deserved her full attention.

"It's not over yet," she whispered, "They might still find him."

"But–"

"And if they don't, then I'm here. You're not alone, okay?" Isobel promised him. Michael choked on a sob, but he nodded.

She held him until the phone called to say he was found alive. Barely, but alive.

They slept easier after that.

.5.

Josh, Brandy, Caroline, Sam.

Isobel dated every different type of person she could find, trying to find her person. They all either bored her, went too fast, or wanted to push boundaries that she didn't like being pushed. PDA was much different when it was something like holding hands and she didn't like it.

In fact, she hated all of it. She was almost 30 and she'd been dating even though she didn't really want to. She'd heard women online say it was fine to be single, but it still didn't sound right. She single didn't feel like the right word. She wanted something... just not that. She didn't know how to describe it.

"You think there's something wrong with me?" Isobel asked Michael as they laid out by the pool she'd had installed during the winter. He turned his head to her, shielding his eyes from the sun with his hand.

"What?"

"I want like a perpetual fuck buddy instead of a boyfriend or a girlfriend," Isobel said, "I don't mind it being the same person for awhile, you know, but just not like that. Every time I've tried, everyone wants something different than I do. Is that so wrong?"

"No," Michael said, "Who said it was?"

"I mean, my mom, society," Isobel explained. Michael snorted.

"Fuck society."

"Yeah, but still. Even you have a person, what if I don't?" Isobel said. Michael shrugged.

"I wouldn't really call Alex my person," Michael said, "But I'm sure you have someone out there."

"What if I don't want one?"

Michael paused for a few seconds before saying, "You don't have to have one."

"Then why did you have a dramatic pause?" He stayed silent for too long again. "Michael!"

"Sorry, I'm just thinking," Michael said, "Is it commitment you're not interested in or is it the, like, romantic relationship part?"

She thought about it, but it didn't long to find her answer as she filtered through her failed relationships. It was fine up until the point they started expecting her to be a girlfriend or started treating her like one.

"Romantic part," she said as confidentially as she could. He hummed and laid back on the chair.

"Have you ever heard of asexuality?" he asked.

"Yeah, but I'm not that. Definitely not that," she said. He snorted.

"Yeah, but there's a word for the other side of things too. There's aromanticism, kinda sounds like what you're saying. Or at least what I know about it," he explained. Isobel's mouth felt a little dry.

"What happened to fuck labels?"

"I mean, yeah, still fuck labels. But they can be helpful sometimes when you feel alone," Michael explained, "And that might help. I can help you look into it."

"Okay," she agreed softly.

They stayed silent for a little longer as she mulled over the word. If that was it, then she had an answer. She liked the idea of having an answer. She also liked the idea of not having to fucking worry about something so trivial.

That sounded nice.

+1

"You're fucking married!"

"I'm fucking married!"

Isobel hugged Michael so tight she nearly lifted him off his feet. He just laughed helplessly, so unrelentingly happy. And she was happy for him. Maybe she didn't get it, but it didn't matter. He was happy and that mattered.

"This is so fucking weird," Michael laughed, looking around the room at their tiny little reception. Alex was sitting beside his brother, Greg, talking about whatever brothers like them talked about.

"I bet," she said, resting her head against his shoulder as they stared out at the party.

It took a little while, but Isobel finally realized that her relationships were just going to be a little bit different. Just remove the romance. It made it harder to find someone, but, honestly, it was worth it now that she had a word and an understanding. Queer platonic partners weren't easy to come by where they lived, but she didn't even care. She was finally happy with her situation.

"I'm so happy for you," Isobel said. She'd gotten to walk him down the aisle which was an unforeseen dream of hers. "You and Alex are gonna be so happy."

"I hope so," Michael breathed, "A long goddamn time coming. I'm ready to just fucking be with him without all the bullshit."

"Well," Isobel said, "Your time is now."

"Yeah."

He rested his cheek against her head and watched as Alex squeezed his brothers arm before getting up to go speak to someone else. Isobel watched as Greg sort of folded in on himself after Alex left, curling over his phone.

"Don't tell Alex, but his brother's kind of hot," Isobel noted. Michael snorted.

"You know what, Greg might actually be a good fit for you. His dad fucked him up real bad."

"Oh, thanks for that."

"No," Michael laughed, "I meant he's got a bad track record at girlfriends 'cause he doesn't give them enough attention or whatever. Married to his job, he said. But he's nice and he does his best, so I say go for it. See if you guys fit."

"Ooh," Isobel said, slowly peeling herself off Michael, "Gonna go see if I can offer something more his speed, you go blow your husband." Michael laughed and let her go.

"Oh, and, Izzy?" he said before she got too far. She hummed as she turned back to him. "You're my person. Not Alex. Just thought you should know."

And that meant more to her than anything else.

[iamdorka]

The making of the new album

I wanted to post this hours ago but the wifi at the train station decided to be a bitch so I try to post it now. If it gets posted two times please love this one more, okay? 🙈

So as the release of his new album is closer and closer I decided to write something about it. Hope you will like it.

The making of the new album (headcanon)

- He was really excited about this one, because after opening about the demons in his head in Hotel Diablo on this one he really could show his true passion, every piece of it, without any restriction. He just kept pushing himself towards his truest self and you had to admire that, because his work was his life. Also he worked with some of the finest artist (including literally your heroes from your childhood and that got you even more excited if it was even possible).

- He loved when you were around in the studio even if you had nothing to do with music, your presence calmed him down even in his darkest moments. He needed that firm point in his life, he needed you.

- And you loved being there with him because even if listening to music, pretending you are sometimes Beyonce or other time the fearless frontgirl of a rockband like Hayley Williams was your only way engaging with music, seeing him creating his vision with his mates gave you a whole new understanding of literally everything. He was able to show you new things even after 2 years being in a relationship with him and you loved him for it, lived for it.

- You saw him at his lowest but also the highest point while creating this masterpiece and you were with him all along. You supported him and it meant the world to him, you knew it. He showed you that with words, with cute little actions.

- Yeah, you have to admit that sometimes it was a bit too much and it was hard for you to accept everything not that you should’ve accept everything. Even if you knew that he was working on a precious piece of his soul you weren’t blind. You saw that he was suffering inside. He needed to do this but the ache in your heart still was there it was really frightening sometimes.

- This creative process was a roller coaster for everybody. For him and for you too.

- He was overworking himself and sometimes he didn’t even notice it, which hurt you even more because half of your soul was him and seeing him like that was terrible. After creating and living in Hotel Diablo you knew it would come to this but really living it was different.

- You spent a lot of time alone too because he was on his feet 24/7 and slowing down never was an option for him. Yeah you knew that he was in love with music (beside you) but it still hurt like hell when you just couldn’t find him next to you when you needed him, when you were expecting him to be there.

- Even if you were with him in the last 2 years you still couldn't humanly imagine how he could manage being up and awake ALL THE TIME. Oh yeah... you knew how he could do that but you preferred not to think about it. He knew that his health wasn't at its peak and that you were mad at him because of it. He didn't accept worries from nobody... but you were different. Cliche or not.

- Sometimes but nowadays most of the time you just wanted to slap his beautiful face to beat some sense into him even if you knew it was a mission impossible. But not just he was who needed his other half... you needed him too and didn't want to lose him, not in a million years.

- The day when he finally showed the finished album to his label he wanted you to be there with him but your boss thought otherwise because he sent you to San Francisco the day before for a 2 day job. Your heart ache because you really wanted to be there with him and even if he didn't admit it he was a little but disappointed too.

- So you did everything humanly possible to get the work done in the shortest imaginable time, that's how you ended up on a train at 4am without getting any sleep just to get back in time to Los Angeles to be with him. He didn't know anything about it.

- You didn't even get home, you just cought an uber and with your suitcase and everything you were headed to Interscope.

- The only person who knew about your surprise appearance was Slim and he knew if he told anything to Colson you would gladly kill him with your bare hands without even thinking or blinking.

- You never got out of a car this fast because you got there exactly 5 minutes before them. (It was 10am and having Colson up at this time was a miracle to begin with but you did your own miracle too to be there on time.)

- 'I thought I will have to show them myself the album. You are late' when he entered the floor where the conference room was, you waited him there casually sitting on the couch not showing that it was hard even to breathe for you because you had to be that fast and you just fell to the couch a minute before. You tried to play it cool so you did.

- Not even saying a word as you stood up he brought you in his arms and hugged you like he hadn't seen you in ages. He had his girl with him.

- 'Am I dreaming?' he kissed your cheek as he let himself see your smiling face. For a brief moment he forgot why he was in that building.

- 'I know I'm your dream girl... but no, you are not.' you answered him smiling, biting your lip as you laced your fingers together not engaging in any pda because first: you two hated that, second: you had company and he had work to do, important work. 'But maybe I'm... because I haven't slept in the last 48 hours and I'm running on like 4 coffees' you murmured and when Slim gave you your new coffee you corrected yourself taking a sip from it. 'five and counting... '

- 'Good luck. I'M PROUD OF YOU AND I LOVE YOU' you told this to his lips as you sat down on the couch and he took his seat at the end of the big conference table. Everyone was ready, more than ready.

- He was living his best life and your heart was full of love watching him because he was enjoying every moment of this. He could not stop moving, you could see that he was already feeling himself at the live shows and he proved that too because he even got on the table dancing, rocking his soul to his new goodies.

- It really got your heart beat faster and even if you realised that some of the people didn't really appreciate your boyfriend that much, you couldn't care less because you could see how proud he was of his work. Sweat and blood. It was his, the best one yet.

- You even recorded him dancing on the table because it was the funniest shit ever and you knew his fans would appreciate it later. And you loved feeding them with quality content.

- When the presentation was over he could not hold himself back because when you stood up, wanting to congratulate him again (after all the other people) he picked you up and he was spinning with you not letting you to touch the ground. He was in an euphoric state and he didn't hide him.

- 'You are my world. Thanks for being here' he murmured to your neck and finally he put you down.

- 'I really am proud of you' you repeated yourself and you were glad Slim got closer to you as the people in the room started chatting about everything what was coming.

- 'You got it?' you asked him and he nodded without a word.

- 'Got what?' Colson asked cluelessly looking at you both.

- 'Nothing.' you replied as you asked him for his phone. 'But you just held yours a minute ago' he stated the truth. 'But I want... yours.' You asked politely again and he did finally what you asked him and without even thinking you gave immediately Slim the phone.

- 'Okay... I don't understand you. What are you up to?' he asked smirking at you.

- 'You... and me are up to catching a flight. You can't say no because I will handcuff you to me if you start to rebel. We are going on a little vacation right now.'

- 'You need this bro' Slim stated too watching as you didn't let Colson's hand from yours. 'I already fought with her because of this... and I didn't even have the slightest chance either... nor have you, so... just accept it'

- 'You really have a handcuff with you?' he asked the right question.

- 'Just bought a new pair in San Francisco, to make sure everything would be fine' he threatened him but you were sure that he would even enjoy if you used it right there and then.

- 'Ohh... it will be more than fine' he looked at you with the hungriest smirk on his lips.

- 'Please... get a room or whatever, but catch your flight because I think I'm gonna throw up in my mouth if I have to be with you two two more seconds' Slim said and you already were stealing the star of the moment leaving the place as fast as you arrived there.

- Maybe he had other plans, maybe the others did too but with the help of your very good friends you made sure everything would be okay. They agreed that he deserved this getaway before everything was coming and A LOT was coming. He needed that recharge and so did you.

- You managed to rent a beach house probably in the middle of nowhere and that place was exactly what you two needed. No internet, no people just the two of you and the calming sound of the ocean.

- Yeah, both of you were and still are the people who can't really sit in a place for more than a minute, because you had to do something but once in a while it was good just to... be. Because you just bought 'tickets to my downfall' and before all the craziness you had to remind him that he is a human being and if he loses his power he could not spread the energy to anybody else... not even himself.

Tag list (write me if you wanna be on it❤)

@no-shxt-sherl @kiss-yall @bakerkells @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @mgk-rooklover1997 @just-a-normal-fangirl18 @southernmgkpunk @thegunnerkelly @findingmyth @painkillerash @rosesinmars @rosegoldrichie @pinksocktingz @itjustkindahappenedreally @cclynn88 @bluehairedtracii

[softbuckismykink]

The Last Goodbye

So I read that^ and came up with a story and I started writing it... Then when I was about to post I realized opps I read the pronouns wrong... Can’t be bothered to change my story though...  so here it is... :)

Not an x-over just borrowing characters from another show. To play Buck’s ex is Clay Spencer from SEAL Team. Now I didn’t watch the show pass like episode ten in season one so I don’t know much about the character or his origin story. I’m just borrowing him cause I can’t be assed to create an O.C. just for a one shot.  If you happen to have knowledge of how military/navy works please suspend your disbelief, I did research but honestly it’s just me reading wikipedia so I more than likely have gotten the elements concerning SEAL training and other military stuff wrong. You are warned. Don’t get offended.

Another Warning: This is a Buddie fic but it includes intimate scenes (not sex) between Buck and Clay, if you are a Buddie purist, this is your warning. 

X-posted on  AO3

Inspired by a tumblr post by @theladyandthewolves​ (Sorry I forgot to add, I did the linky link thing in AO3 but forgot to add it here)

Summary: In which team finds out Buck has a husband, when said husband turned up out of a blue and asked for a divorce. 

********

We were almost beautiful A broken piece of art put on display But we were never possible Another perfect moment thrown away I know somebody out there will love you They'll be the forever we never were 'Cause we were everything that's right at the wrong time

I didn't wanna lose you Leave you with a broken heart But wherever we are, we're miles apart I know that we tried, but this is the last goodbye

Life is going good for Buck. He’s back at 118. His team forgave him and his best friend forgave him, and he’s on his way to forgiving himself. 2019 felt like a sucky year for him with the bombing, recovering from his injuries, the tsunami, the lawsuit, Eddie’s street fighting, Bobby’s being exposed to radiation and weeks of worrying about his found!father dying of either radiation poisoning, aplastic anemia, or some kind of cancer.  

Of course there’s no guarantee that 2020 is gonna be better, but Buck likes to feel optimistic about these things. He has to be since it feels like the rest of his found family are the gloom and loom type, so it’s his job to keep the spirits up or they’ll all fall into despair. He said as much to his team as they gather around the side of the fire truck, just having arrived for their shift.       

“No seriously look at what happened last year. I got that injury and I was admittedly surly for a while--”

“Oh you were more than surly, Buck.” Hen commented.

“Okay I was, but that’s not my point. My point was I not my usual happy self and you guys were all just affected by it. And I feel like it’s my fault.”

“Not everything is about you, Buck.” Eddie said, shaking his head, though clearly amused.

“I’m just saying, I’m on to something here because all bad luck started with me being injured last year. So this year part my new years’s resolution is to generate enough positive energy to drive away all the bad luck you guys attract.”

“Yeah right, we are the trouble magnets,” Hen gestures to herself and the rest of the crew, “not you who’s pretty much in competition with Chim for the Idiot with the Most Death-Defying Experience Award.”

“Of course, I mean Chim is still winning in that,” Buck said smugly, “which pretty much proves my point.”

“Okay, Buck. Whatever lets you sleep at night.” Chim shook his head, with a laugh.

The good natured ribbing continued until they all noticed a man standing by the entrance of the station. Dirty blond curls and a full beard, in tight henley and cargo pants, he looked out of place among the clean shaven firefighter crew but he walked inside with so much confidence that you’d think he owned the place. 

“Clay what are you doing here?” Buck asked as he walked towards the scruffy looking man. 

“Hi, Evan.” The man greeted as he met Buck half way, giving Buck a tight hug and, to the young firefighter’s surprise, a kiss on his cheek. Buck could feel the stares bore onto his back. “Sorry to drop in on you at work but I don’t have you phone number or home address.”

“You mean to tell me that years of working with CIA and you can’t even get my contact info?”

“I work as their muscle Evan, I don’t do the intelligence part.”

“We both know that’s bull, Clay. You speak six languages, you are more than just the muscle.”

“And you basically thought me five of those, though I speak nine now, not all fluently but I get by.”

“And you are still arrogant as ever.” Buck sighed, some things never changed. 

“Can we talk privately?” Clay asked when he noticed the peanut gallery behind Buck.

No. Buck thought, he didn’t really want to do this here in the station but it’s only the start of his shift and he can’t really leave so he said, “I can’t leave but we can talk inside, I got a couple minutes so it better be quick.”

***

Buck lead the man to the relative privacy that the locker room provides. It’s all glass enclosure and anyone from outside can see in but he knew his colleagues would know not to bother them or listen in. 

The moment they were inside the room, Buck turned his back towards the other man, taking a moment to close the door and gather his thoughts. Fucking Clay Spencer, six years and the man still has the ability to turn his day around, making him feel all out of sorts. Buck took a deep breath before facing his husband.

“Not to be morbid Clay, but I figured after I rang that bell the next time I’ll hear about you was when I get a death notification from a CACO officer.”

“Yeah I thought so too.” Clay admitted with a slight grimace. They were young, only 19 when they got married, but they both thought they’ll be together forever. “I mean I did promise ‘till death do us part. I always thought I’d at least fulfill the death portion of that promise. But I also thought I wouldn’t meet another person I’d want to marry again and I did. Her name’s Stella, she’s a grad student at Hudson State.”

“And now you want a divorce.”

“We were over years ago we just never got around to signing the papers for it.  I’m getting married in June so--”

“So what you figure you’d come to my place of work, greet me with a kiss like we last saw each other only this morning, not six years ago and what? Demand that I go sign the divorce papers so you could go on living your merry life?”

“Look Evan, I was an ass. Heck I still am, but I wasn’t the one who left. You did.”

“Let be real, we both know I couldn’t stay.” Buck said, because it was true. DADT was repealed but the prejudice lingers. When the instructors learned that yes Evan Spencer was related to Clay Spencer and no they weren’t brothers or cousins, well let’s just say things get ugly. “I was just holding you back. Being a SEAL was your dream.”

“And there was a time that it was yours too.”

“No, I-”  It never was. I did it to be with you is what Buck wanted to say but he knew that’s unfair to both of them so he said instead, “I did it because I don’t know what I want back then. But I what I did figure out is that I was never built for that kind of life, Clay.”

“I know. You were always too soft.” Clay commented. Buck glared which didn’t escape his husband’s notice. 

“I didn’t mean it in a bad way, Evan. I’m glad you never went through with the training. Of the two of us, you were always the saint--”

“And you are just digging a deeper hole, Spencer. You should quit while you’re ahead.”

“I should, but you know that’s not really my style.”

“You saying it’s mine?” Buck challenged, eager for a fight for some reason, but Clay didn’t rise to the bait.

“You’re putting words into my mouth Evan.” Clay step in closer to him, invading Buck’s personal space. “I never thought any less of you when you quit training. I was actually relieved that you did. You were so determined when you told me you wanted to be a SEAL and I couldn’t say no even if I wanted to. So much. Cause I knew it would break you in ways that I never wanted for you, in ways that would take the best part of you that I loved so much. It was why as much as I hate him, I had Dad pull some strings to get you out of your contract and discharged. I didn’t think you’d take that as a cue to walk away.”

“You think I’m fragile, Clay but I’m not.”

“No,” Clay denied, stepping even closer, close enough that Buck could feel the other man’s breath against his cheek as the SEAL look him in the eye and explained, “I treat you like you are fragile, because that’s how you treat something that’s precious. I’ll admit to that. But I know you are strongest person I’ve ever met, Evan. I loved that about you.” 

“Then why did you let go?” Buck said, his words are demanding but his tone is all but resigned.

“Why didn’t you stay?” Clay parried back, equally yielding. They both knew the answer to each other’s question, love isn’t enough to keep them together and that’s their reality. That doesn’t negate the magnetic attraction they felt towards each other.

The SEAL stepped even closer, their foreheads within a hair’s breadth of the other, as their lips slowly gravitated towards each other. Buck felt the brush of the other man’s dry lips against his own. The touch is so painfully familiar, but gone was the spark his memories insist had once accompanied such intimate gesture. Still Buck felt nostalgic and he was just about to give in and press back when he heard a knock. They sprung apart and Buck turned to the person at the door. Buck saw his best friend leaning against the doorway arms tight cross against his chest. 

“Buck, Cap wants you for the stand-up meeting.” Eddie said tersely informed Buck while glaring at the other man. “Upstairs kitchen. Five minutes.”

“Okay, I’ll be up in two Eds.” Buck nodded with a strained smile. “Thanks for letting me know.” 

“I don’t mind but you gotta hurry or Cap would get pissed.” Eddie said before walking away, but not without directing one last glare at Buck’s visitor.

“Did he just call you, Buck?” Clay asked as soon as Eddie left the room.  “You change your surname back to Buckley? Since when?”

“Not that it’s any of your business but about two years ago after the DOD finally let me back stateside, before I started at the fire Academy. Just for work and my direct deposit bank, for now. I never got around to doing it for anything else. I guess I have to now.”

“You don’t have to. No law requires it of you.” Clay made to close the gap between them again only for Buck to step back. “It would be an unnecessary hassle.”

“You are getting married, Clay. To another person. You don’t get to act possessive and ask me to keep a name I’m half way to dropping.” Buck shook his head, clearly Clay hadn’t change a bit, still one with the need possessively attach his name to everything. The sound of a ladder truck returning reminded Buck of the meeting he was called to, “Look I really need to get going. Give me your phone.”

“Evan I-” Clay started but at the firefighter’s impatient glare, he reluctantly hands over his phone. Buck quickly typed in his contact information.

“There you have my contact number.” Buck handed the phone back and turned to leave, saying over his shoulders, “I also put in my mailing address, so you know where to send in the divorce paper.” 

“Wait, Evan--” Clay called after him, most likely noticing that Buck never put in his home address. “This is a P.O. box.” 

“Where I get my mails delivered to and I know you know how that works.” Buck walked away before the other man could launch another protest.

***

“So Buck who’s the hunk of meat?” Hen asked as soon as Buck reached the landing of the upstairs loft where the kitchen is located. His crew gathered around the kitchen island where Bobby was preparing breakfast, not at all looking like they are about to have any kind of job related meeting.

“I thought we were doing stand-up meeting?”

“No that was just Eddie here letting out the green eyed mons--Ouch!” Chimney’s explanation was interrupted by Hen elbowing him in the sternum.

“You look like you needed a save so I intervened, I didn’t know I’d be interrupting something.” Eddie remarked, a touch snidely.

“You didn’t interrupt anything. Clay was just um, saying goodbye.”

“I didn’t know friends say goodbye with a kiss.” 

“Clay’s not exactly my friend.”

“Well, he’s not family not with that kiss. What is he an ex-fling? A phase? Is that why he calls you Evan?” Eddie asked eyebrows raised and suspicious.

“Yeah I wondered about that too, we thought you said everyone just call you Buck.” Chim said, scratching his head, “I mean even your sister calls you Buck.”

“Not exactly an ex. And he’s not a phase!” Buck protested, offended at the word phase. At the surprised looks that his friends are giving him for his unusual outburst, he mellowed, shrugged and said, “I mean Clay is Clay. He always called me Evan. Ever since high school.”

“Why?”

“Um, Clay didn’t like that the name Buck is short for Buckley. Some sort of caveman reason I guessed.”

“Okay so the guy is more than a fling then?” Eddie prodded, not letting the topic die like Buck had silently asking him too, with his pointed looks. So much for best friend telepathy.

Buck sighed, resigned to admitting something he has been mum about ever since starting at 118. “Clay Spencer is my husband, or rather my soon to be ex-husband, he’s filing for divorce so.” 

It took a moment for his words to sink in and 

“Wait, what the fuck?! You were married?! And you didn’t tell us?!” Eddie asked sounding a little furious.

“To a man?!” Chim added, confounded and unable to think.

“And now you’re getting a divorce?” Bobby said calmly but the twitch of his eyebrow and the way he straightened up clearly betrayed his surprise.

“Wow my gaydar’s needs readjustment,” Hen shook her head, frowning. “I just thought you were hetero-flexible not full-on freewheeling.”

His team spoke one after another, all shocked at his revelation which granted was a little unexpected coming from him, a reformed self-diagnosed sex addict who’s afraid of commitment. 

“So what happened?” Hen asked being the first one to recover from the shock of Buck’s surprising revelation.

“Between Clay and I?” Buck asked then continued at Hen’s nod, “Well we were together since freshman year, in high school. Um- we bonded over having absent fathers. I thought we’d be together forever but Clay also wanted to join the Navy like his Dad, so we’ve always kept our relationship low key-ish until DADT got repealed. After that, we said fuck it, and got married. My dad got so mad when he found out, which was more because we were only nineteen back then, not because it was so gay which didn’t help of course but yes more because we were just kids when we got married,” Buck explained trying for casual, as he sat himself in the couch. “Anyways Clay enlisted and got into SEAL pipeline program. I got in a year after him, but I had to quit, we separated, the rest they say is history.”

“So that’s why two you broke-up? Because you quit SEAL training?” Bobby asked leaning on the railing across the couch Buck was seated at. Besides the captain is his best friend, Eddie, who has a blank look on his face that Buck couldn’t even begin to decipher. 

“Um he wanted to be a SEAL and I knew I was just holding him back so...” Buck trailed off, noticing how his team look at him with pity in their eyes, “Shit guys don’t look at me that way I’m not some broken piece of glass okay?”

When the pitying looks continued, and Bobby moved as if to comfort him, Buck said, “No, seriously guys, I’m okay. I’m not at all broken up about this at all, so you guys shouldn’t be either. Me and Clay were done years ago. It’s just we got lazy and didn’t get around to signing papers until now.”

“You don’t have to put on front with us, kid.” Chim said moving on to sit in the couch beside his while Hen moved to sit beside him. “We are family, heck you are practically my brother.”

“Chim’s right, Buckaroo. It’s okay to be not okay. We won’t think any less of you if you for it.” Hen added, laying a comforting hand on his shoulders.

“I’m seriously fine. I mean I’m not gonna lie and say it never affected me or that  it didn’t hurt. Because I did, years ago when first broke up, cause I really thought we were forever. But now? I’m not even sad or anything.”

“But if you are, you know that we are here for you, right?”

“I know that Bobby. And I appreciate it.” There was a prolonged silence that lingered for  a couple of minutes as they all just looking for words to say. Eventually Chimney, as always, broke that silence with a joking remark.

“Okay but seriously how did you land some one that hot?” Chim teased Buck.

“Chim seriously?! Your bi is showing.” Hen smirked. 

“What? I’m just saying that is one beast of a man. I’m just wondering what he saw in our Buck.”

“Hey, quit it hobbit,” Hen slapped her best friend in the arm, “Our Buck here is equally as beastly looking if not more.” 

“Hen, not that I don’t appreciate the vote of confidence because I truly do, but I don’t think ‘beastly’ is a look I aspire to project you know.”

“Joking aside, did you really go through SEAL training? Did you mean like BUD/s?” Chim asked, curious about Buck’s past but knowing the younger man would rather not talk about his soon-to-be ex-husband. At  Buck’s nod Chimney asked again, “Isn’t that only for Enlisted Navy?”

“You said you weren’t in the Navy.” Bobby added, confused.

“I wasn’t, I mean not really. I mean technically I was one but only for like less than 180 days? Which meant I got like an ELS.” Buck tried explaining, only garnering more confused looks. “Entry-Level Separation. I entered the program through SEAL Challenge Contract. I got through ‘Hell Week’ at BUD/s but I DOR’d a week after that. So it was like only give or take 155 days before I DOR’d. Which was why I don’t claim to be in the Navy because I barely was in it.”

“DOR?” Hen asked.

“Dropped on request. Clay I guessed heard about it when he was in SQT,” Buck started but had to clarify again, “er SEAL qualification training. Anyways, the instructors were about to shuffle me into the fleet as an enlisted sailor, which is usually what happens when a SEAL candidate drops out. But suddenly I got an offer that the brass would waive my Navy Enlistment contract if I would agree to work as a civilian linguistic analyst attached to a joint operation between the DOD and DEA that’s based in Chile. It was an unusual offer but I figured Clay’s father who’s a retired SEAL pulled some strings. I took the offer and spent four years bouncing around between bases in South America doing translation work.”

“Wait you said you bartender’d in South America, not Schneider’d you way through it.”

“What’s Schneider’d? And when did I say that?”

“Cocaine Wars,” Bobby said as if that alone explains it but of course Evan ‘as far as I’m concerned the world started when I was born’ Buckley didn’t get that reference, so Bobby had to explain further, “Schneider is the name of the actor who is an undercover DEA agent working in South America. And you told me when you were pulling that worm out of that guy who ate a lot of sushi.”

“I wasn’t an undercover agent, I only did translation work in a black site in South America but can’t actually say that in front of strangers so I said the first appropriate thing that came to mind.”

“Bartending is the first thing that came to mind?” 

“Well no not the very first thing... um stripping was actually but that seemed inappropriate too?” Buck said, scratching his head. At the incredulous looks he is getting from his team he defended,  “What?! Bartending is believable job I could have been doing. I mean Bobby did believe it.” 

“That’s not what--” Chim wanted to explain but was interrupted by the sound of the alarms going off. 

****

“You were awfully quiet after me telling you guys about Clay.” Buck said as soon as him and Eddie were left alone in the locker room. “You barely talked to me all day too. Is there a problem?”

“No.” Eddie replied, abrupt and clearly not wanting to talk about it but at seeing Buck’s pleading gaze, he relented, “Okay I admit I was a little upset because I thought by now we told each other everything. But then I get a slap in the face and realize I don’t know you at all. I mean I didn’t even tell me you were married.  Or that you ex-husband is a slimy squid.”

“I’m still technically married. And I believe military term is frogmen not squid.”

“Well maybe  in the Navy, in the Army they are slimy squids.” Eddie huffed.  “Seriously though, Buck. Why didn’t you tell me? I mean we talked about our exes before. You told me about Abby. You know about Shannon. Heck I even told you about Alex from boot camp. So I don’t know why you thought you couldn’t tell me about your ex-husband Clay.”

“It’s for the same reason you didn’t talk about your ex-wife back when I first asked you.”

“You asked me that before we got really close. And she’s not my ex-wife, she was my wife. There’s a difference.”

“Exactly, she wasn’t your ex-wife. Just like Clay isn’t my ex-husband. I didn’t talk about him like he is my ex because he isn’t.”

“You were separated, you said you didn’t see each other for six years.”

“I know that. I know in my head we are over and truly broken up,” Buck said while gesturing to his head then he laid his hand on his chest, “But here. Well here it’s stupid, because here there’s hope. So I didn’t talk about him like he’s my ex because then it would be like admitting that it’s truly over, no takebacksies over. I was over Clay but I guess I hadn’t reach that point where my heart’s willing to acknowledge it.”

“You dated a lot after him though, that’s like more than acknowledging it. That’s moving on.”

“It’s adapting a coping mechanism. An unhealthy one at that. I had a long list of one night stands because felt rejected and needed validation. Plus I like having sex but I was determined not to let anyone in again. Then I met Abby, who made me realize I crave intimacy not sex, she made me feel safe to love again, but she left before I could commit to loving her. Which was fortunate cause I don’t know how would get over it if she left me after I learned to love her.”

“I don’t think loving someone could be learned, Buck. Either you do, or you don’t.”

“Maybe so. But my point was I didn’t talk about him cause I thought I wasn’t over him yet. And I would have when I’m ready. I didn’t know when I just knew that talking about him before that would be like--”

“Like poking an open wound.” 

“Yes exactly like that.” Buck picked up that metaphor and expounded on it. “What I didn’t realize was that wound long scabbed over. And I left it thinking that if I picked on it, it would bleed again. Only to find out today that it’s all healed.”

“What was the kiss then?”

“The what?”

“The kiss I interrupted Buck.”

“I’m not sure but it felt like a goodbye.”

“I’m not an expert, Buck, but when he kissed you it looked more than just goodbye.” If Buck didn’t know better, he’d say Eddie sounded jealous as he said, ��He’s all over you.”

“He isn’t. He kissed me but I’m telling you now, that kiss doesn’t feel like it meant anything to him. Or me. It’s not like what you think.”

“If you say so.” Eddie looked to Buck tryin g to see the truth in his eyes.

“I say so.” Buck said determined as held the other man’s gaze for a few moments, before looking away and shyly admitting, “Besides there is someone else I like.”

The words linger in the air between them as their eyes locked on to each other’s yet again; and slowly they gravitated towards each other without either knowing it. Their foreheads touched, nose brushing. The moment their lips brush, Buck felt the tingle in up his spine making him slightly weak in the knees. He held on to the older man’s waist to help himself stay upright. Eddie lifted his hand to caress the back of Buck’s head as he leaned in to deepen the kiss. Buck can’t help the moan the escaped his lips. And Eddie took that as an opportunity to slip his tongue and explore the younger man’s mouth.  If it was up to Eddie it would have gone further further but Buck pulled away.

“I’m not--” Buck shook his head, trying to clear it from the haze. “I like you but you were just widowed, and I still need to get divorced.”

“Okay, but just so you know this,” Eddie said gesturing at the air between them, “this is gonna happen. I’ll be asking you out as soon as you drop the name Spencer.”

“Not if I  asked you first.”

“Fair enough. As long as I get to eventually marry you, that’s fine.”

“Sure as long as you don’t expect me to take your name.”

“Maybe I’ll take yours instead. Edmundo Buckley has a nice ring to it don’t you think.”

“Yeah, definitely.” Buck managed to spat out with a straight face. They both look at each other in the eye before laughing out loud at the name.

Fuck Edmundo Buckley sounds ridiculous, maybe just this once Buck would take one for the team and take Eddie’s name anyway. Evan Diaz after all sounded way better. 

[vgckwb]

P5R: Rebel Girl (A FeMC Story/P5R Rework) Chapter 1: The Whims of Chaos

Amamiya Ren was on her way to Tokyo. She had short messy hair, black-rimmed glasses, and was wearing a grey shirt, with a black jacket, a navy blue skirt, white socks, and a pair of black Mary Janes. She had fallen asleep on the train. In her mind, she could only see one thing. That night. She was on her way home for the evening when she heard a woman crying out for help. She was scared, yet knew she had to be brave. She raced towards the sound to see a violent bald man trying to force a woman into a car.

The man turned to her. ”What are you looking at?” he asked. “Move along!” Ren knew she couldn’t.

“Stop!” the woman cried.

The man glared at her. “Impudent people like you should do as I say and follow where I steer this country!” He turned back to Ren. “Well?! What are you waiting for?! Leave!”

That was the last straw for Ren. She was sick of jerks like him thinking they could control everything on a whim. She had to put a stop to it. She stepped between the woman and the man, splitting them up.

The man was clearly drunk, and after stumbling for a little bit, he fell and hit his head on the sidewalk. He got up, and he was bleeding. “Damn brat! I’ll SUE!”

Ren was confused. “You fell on your own,” she said.

“Silence!” he yelled. “You’re going to regret this!”

The woman that Ren had saved spoke up meekly. “I’ll-I’ll tell the police.”

The man looked at the woman he was trying to trap and grinned. “Go ahead. I have the police, the judges, and the lawyers under my thumb. They aren’t going to believe you anyway.”

As if they were dogs on a leash, two police officers came up. “Is something the matter?” one of them asked. He noticed the man that Ren only knew as vulgar. “Oh, it’s you sir. Are you alright?”

“Well, tell them,” the man said.

The woman looks hesitantly at Ren. Tears formed, as if it were meant to be an apology. She turned to the officers and barely choked out “This young girl...assaulted this man…”

Ren was shocked. “It is as she says” the man says. “Arrest her!’

“Yes sir!” the officer said.

“Oh, and, please be sure to leave my name out of it,” the man added.

“Yes sir!” the officer said. The two officers arrested Ren before she could process everything that was going on. After which, she was let off on parole, but her parents felt that living in their quaint little town wouldn’t do her any good. They offered her to stay with a friend of theirs; a man by the name of Sojiro Sakura.

That moment was all that Ren could dream about ever since it happened. It played over and over again in her head. Until it stopped. Her mind faded to black. She then saw an image that would make sense for a dream, but it felt all too real.

There stood an image of a white metallic angel “What are you doing here?! I am creating order!”

Ren notices a figure in a cloak. “Well, if that’s what you’re trying to do, then it’s no wonder why I’m here!”

“Pardon?” asked the angel-looking thing.

“I think this country is just about done with order” the cloaked figure says. She holds up her hand and summons a rapier that was adorned in gold. “I think it's time for chaos to reign!” With one motion, the cloaked figure slices the white metallic angel thing in two.

Ren was then hit with a barrage of strange images. A castle morphing into a town. A museum being covered by police tape. A bank landing from the sky into a highly stylized city. A pyramid gaining an eye and omitting a cursed aura. A space station turning into a post-apocalypse. A casino shifting into a fashion show. A ship being shrunk down and turned into a prop. Lastly, she saw the Tokyo underground change into a garden.

Ren was having trouble processing all of this. The cloaked figure then looks at Ren. “Hm?” they say. “Oh darling, you’re here a bit early.” Ren was confused. “Or perhaps, it’s not early for you.” They laughed. “I AM the manifestation of chaos after all. It would only stand to reason that the you here now isn’t the you of the present time.”

Ren glared at them. “Yes, I see” they continued. “This is the you I am interested in. The you of now is nothing more than a middle school girl, enjoying life as much as she possibly can; blissfully unaware of what is about to occur. You is the you of my future.”

Ren was confused by these words. Does this mean that this is in the past. If so, why am I seeing it? And why is this figure talking to me anyway? This is supposed to be a dream, right?

“If I am correct, you recently got arrested for a crime you didn’t commit, correct?” the cloaked figure asked. Ren was shocked. “Heh heh. So I was right.” The figure took out an apple. “Here” they said. “You’ve seen what I just did to Yaldabaoth, correct? Well, with a bite of this apple, all that power can also be yours.”

Ren was shocked. What did they just say? I could have that power?

“You want revenge, right?” the figure asked. “I can give that to you and more. With one bite, your inhibition will be released, and revenge will be yours for the taking. You will be able to punish that guy that had you arrested and make him pay!”

Ren was certainly tempted. Everyone back home was labeling her a criminal. It sounded nice to be able to shake that. However, something about this didn’t sit right with her. “What’s in it for you?” she asked.

The figure giggled. “Well, there are certainly some benefits to be gained on my end. Another agent of chaos for starters. And a powerful one at that. But more importantly, the one who summoned me has taken quite an interest in you.”

Ren was understandably confused. “Summoned?”

“Ah yes” the figure said. “The nature of my existence is complicated at best. I have always existed, and yet I have yet to exist. I am here in your past because you were there in her future.”

Ren was further confused. Then again, this figure did call itself the manifestation of chaos. It wouldn’t be too much of a surprise to think that this powerful chaos could do something like that. “So. What do you say?” the figure asked.

Ren was almost tempted to accept this offer. Being shipped out of her home because of a false report by a powerful asshole sucks. Ren thought that with this power, she could enact her revenge and clear her name.

However, a voice in her mind spoke to her. “Don’t!” it said. Ren was shocked. The figure was displeased. The voice in her mind continued. “Their definition of revenge is nothing short of death! The power they will grant you will corrupt you into becoming someone you are not! You will become a violent, ruthless, killing machine! You will become the very thing you hate! Someone who abuses their power to get what they want!”

Ren heard the voice. She stood against the figure and glared at it. “Hm. I see you have your answer!” they said. “Very well. But know this! I expect a thank you!” Ren was confused.

“See, the figure I just slayed, Yaldaboath, was setting you up to play in an unfair game” the figure explained. “They were forcing you into a situation in which you were supposed to lose in order to spread its idea of order to the masses. Of course, I am more forgiving than that. We are still going to play a game. However, this time, it will be fair.”

The figure smirked. “I have no intention of losing. I just won’t stack the deck against you is all. If we were to fight now, you would surely lose. But by journey’s end, I fully expect a fair fight. In the meantime, I shall be going about my business, all the while making sure you’re ready when the time comes. Do you have a deal?” Ren nodded. “Good. I shall see you on the other side. The figure bowed, and the entire scenery faded.

Ren woke up on the train. She was breathing heavily, and her heart was beating out of her chest. “What was that?” she wondered. She checked her phone for the time, and saw something else that confused her. A mysterious app that was red and pulsating. “I don’t remember installing this,” she pondered. She gasped. “Could this be part of the ‘game’? But, that wasn’t real, was it?”

Ren tried figuring out what had just happened for the remainder of her ride. But much to her dismay, there wasn’t anything she could figure out besides what she was told. “Now arriving in Yongen-Jaya!” the announcer said. Ren gasped. This was her stop. She figured she could worry about agents of chaos and someone who could slice a giant metal angel thing in two as easily as they could breathe later. For now, she had to meet up with one Sojiro Sakura.

She managed to find Sojiro’s house, but no one answered when she rang the bell. She found this curious, so she decided to ask around. She found out Sojiro runs a cafe named Le Blanc.

She found Le Blanc and entered. She saw an old couple sitting at a booth, as well as a middle-aged man wearing a pink shirt, tan pants, and a green apron. “This is the best coffee we’ve had here, Sakura-san” the old man in the booth said.

“Why thank you” said the man Ren deduced had to be Sojiro.

“Excuse me?” Ren said.

“Hm?” said Sakura-san.

“Are you by chance, Sojiro Sakura?” Ren asked.

“Huh? Yeah” he said. There was a bit of a silence. “Oh, you’re-” Sojiro sighed. “Sorry. I forgot that was today.”

Ren smiled. “It’s alright.”

“Boss, who is this girl?” the old mad asked.

“I mean, I know you're something of a ladies’ man, but isn’t she a bit young for you?” the old woman asked.

Sojiro was stunned. “I-It’s not like that,” he said, defensively.

“Well, we should probably get going,” the old man said.

The old lady nodded. “It seems Sakura-san is busy,” she replied. The two paid for their coffee and left.

Sojiro sighed. Ren smirked. “So” she said. She posed provocatively and said “Ladies’ man, huh?”

Sojiro glared at her. “Shut up.” Ren returned to her normal posture and giggled. “Anyway, come upstairs.” Ren followed Sojiro up to a messy attic. “This will be your room for your time in Tokyo.”

Ren looked at him confused. “I’m not staying with you?”

“Well…” Sojiro said. He sighed. “Look, things are complicated at my place.”

“Too many women coming over?” Ren said. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell.”

Sojiro glared at her. “Look. I agreed to take care of you. Please keep your smart aleck remarks to a minimum.”

“Sorry,” Ren said.

Sojiro sighed. “No, it’s understandable. From what I understand, your situation is a bit hectic to say the least. You’re just trying to keep your spirits up. But please, if you can help it, don’t do it at my expense.”

“OK,” said Ren.

Sojiro smiled. “Anyway, I’m sorry your room is in the condition it’s in. I would have cleaned it more, but stuff got in the way.” Sojiro looked at Ren. He smiled. “A fast learner? I like that. It’s sure to help you live a regular school life.” Ren nodded.

“Anyways, I need to get home. I have matters I need to attend to. I’m sure you can clean enough to get yourself situated for the night. That corner over there is where your mattress is. That might be a good place to start. I’ll make you some curry, and then you can get started.”

The two of them walked down stairs. Sojiro made Ren some curry for dinner, and served her some coffee. To Ren’s surprise and delight, they were both delicious. Ren thanked Sojiro for the meal. Sojiro nodded and then left for his place.

Ren then headed back upstairs and cleaned what would be her room for the next year or so. There was a lot, so she had to prioritize. She started with the bed, and then organized some shelf space for her luggage that was to come to her later. She figured she could get the rest of it later. For now, she was tired, and decided to go to bed.

Ren reflected on what had happened today on the train. It seems like a complete work of fiction. And yet, it felt so real. She then took out her phone and looked at the app she had gotten. And this app. This is proof positive that what I witnessed was real. At least to some extent. All of this is a lot to take in. Maybe I can figure it out after a good night’s rest. Ren closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep.

However, she should have known. A dream is what got her caught up in this in the first place. Another dream just might continue it. Ren awoke in a jail cell. However, the door to her cell was nowhere to be found. She walked up to the door and saw a room surrounded by more cells. In the middle was a strange man with a long nose. Standing at his side was a young girl with a book.

“Welcome. To the Velvet Room” the man said. “Do not be alarmed. You are fast asleep in your own world. My name is Igor. My associate here is Lavenza.”

“I assume you have a lot of questions,” Lavenza said. “We are here to be of assistance.”

[kareofbears]

persona 5 royal: my thoughts after finishing it five minutes ago

disclaimer: the only reason im writing this is because 1) i have a lot of thoughts and feelings that i need to write down and if i dont ill explode and 2) i want to be able to find this when p5s eventually drops so i can compare my thought processes. if you do not agree with what i’m going to say, that’s cool! just block me or ignore this post. 

now for the sake of sanity, i’m going to try and narrow down this entire list into chunks because this’ll probably be very very long and very much about me just screaming about stuff that i liked, loved, and don’t like. i will be spoiling both the original persona 5 and persona 5 royal, obviously, so i hope you finished both!

1) Akechi

so yes. Goro Akechi. Everyone’s favorite murderer. I’m going to by spewing a lot of hot takes, and this is probably going to be the spiciest: i am in the most intense love-hate relationship with this brown haired antagonist because jesus christ is he a complicated son of a bitch. I know i’ve complained in the past about how much Atlus often struggles with utilizing a character well, but that does not at all relate to Akechi in any way, shape, or form. 

I’ll say this now: He is a character I genuinely, truly hate, yet he is the one I want to hear from the most. He is someone who is a bad person (yes, he is a bad person) but whenever he comes on screen he makes me sit up, he makes me pay attention to him because that’s just the aura he exudes. He is a character who i would never, ever waste my time defending or justifying his actions, but every minute joker spends with him is a minute i want to stretch out as long as possible because he is just that good of a character. He is interesting, he is well defined, he is smart, he is clever, he is sassy, he’s a motherfucking asshole who’s never had a vibe check in my life and i still hate him. Goro Akechi is what Star Wars wanted Kylo Ren to be, and that allegory may not make sense to many people but it works for me so i’m saying it. It’s to the point where writing akechi in a fanfic makes me sweat because in my opinon capturing the essence of akechi is near impossible unless you know what you are talking about (i do not mean that in anyway to discourage people from writing him, im just saying that I am a coward because i will never be able to write a good akechi). Anyway, bottom line is: i despise him but my eyes are always glued to him at all times.

back to the main point-- Atlus absolutely nailed this character and every single addition they put in for Akechi. I’m so damn thrilled that you actually have confidant hangouts with him because every single time you talk to him, it services not only the plot, but it perfectly does what it is supposed to do: it makes you like him, but also leaves the player slightly unnerved. they do it so casually that I might have trouble explaining it, but bear with me: everytime you hangout with him, he always does or say something that unhinges you just a little bit, it leaves you asking ‘wait why?’ or ‘but how did you know that’ or ‘why are you saying that?’. akechi is constantly playing mind games with you. and not only that, adding backstory to akechi (moreso than in the original) is just fucking fantastic. he’s always been a fully fleshed out character but after playing royal, goro akechi actually exists in my mind, and i still hate him (but also i dont. but also i do. anyway)

2) the ending

just finished the game and this is the point where i am at odds with p5r for the first time. the ending to p5, in my opinion, was flawless; everything was perfect and had meaning. from the shot of akira being shown to not wearing glasses anymore because he no longer feels the need to wear a mask (character development: he was very unhappy at the beginning of the game and now he’s happy with his friends--i love it), to his friends being the one to drive him home (amazing, he left his home town and came to shibuya alone via transit, and one year later he’s now leaving with all of his best friends in a van they rented just so they could stay with him as long as they can--it’s perfect, i love it), and also all of them seeing how large and infinite the ocean is (because now there’s unlimited options for them because they all have a new perspective on life). 

But....none of that is there in p5r. it feels impersonal. no one drops him off at his hometown, he was still wearing glasses, and there’s no grand metaphor about what they all achieved. 

Now, i am not a (complete) moron. I know why they had to change it: it’s because of persona 5 scramble (i think). they wanted to set up a plot for the next game and i feel like thats the reason why persona 5 royal’s ending suffered for it: they were too focused on the next plot that they forgot to focus on the sentimental ending for p5r. don’t get me wrong, seeing akechi in the train station absolutely made me lose my shit and made me scream at one in the morning, but i think they lost the core meaning in doing the other stuff. i did not like the focus on maruki and kasumi (will be talking about them later), cause i feel like it took away from the ending, and i also didn’t like the fact that the whole joker outfit in the reflection thing (but i will be letting it slide since it was during the after credits anyway). So while i do love one (1) new aspect of the final cut scene, i still adore and stan the one from persona 5. 

3) the entire last semester 

i’ll be quick: the final palace? the best palace. fight me. it’s fantastic, it’s innovative, it’s interesting, and most of all, the palace ruler is actually the best one in the entire game and i know i wont be the only one to say this. maruki is not a villain: i know for a godamn fact that im not the only one to say that i almost agreed with his deal of allowing the reality (damn i almost agreed twice) because why wouldnt you?? it’s literally a perfect reality! the only reason i didnt agree is because i knew the game wouldnt want me to agree and would force me to have the bad ending! anyway, i love the last section so much. the palace design is interesting, the antagonist is brilliant (who doesn’t love a morally gray antagonist?), and finally, the payoff of kasumi happened and it made me silent for ten minutes. the entire reveal of her being sumire and kasumi being dead is just so genuinely shocking to me that it nearly broke my neck.

what actually broke my neck was the initial incident for the third semester. seeing everyone in this wild alternate reality made me so unsettled that i literally got a stomach ache. i saw morgana as a human and nearly passed out. shiho in the underground? wig. ryuji saying he’s on the national pedastal for running? literally my eyebrows just popped off my head. fucking WAKABA? FLATLINED. brilliantly executed and i love the initial akechi and akira buddy cop movie vibes in the beginning it was just so fun. 

one huge part of the third semester for me though, was of course, akechi. seeing him completely throw away his ‘charming ace detective’ speil was the most refreshing and interesting and not to mention, hilarious part of the game. he does not give a fuck about anyone and he is not afraid to let you know. he is the biggest savage and the most insane person on the phantom thieves group. he’ll roast you, he’ll roast your boyfriend, he’ll roast fuckin anyone and it’s fantastic. not to mention his dialogue is killer: he says the most bat shit insults ever and my favorite example is when you go up to him near the end of the game, you know, to hangout with him and be a nice guy, he just does not hesitate to say ‘what, you came just to see me? just the sort of brainless sentimentality i’d expect from you.’ i LOVE IT because why the hell would he try to be nice? the jig is up, he’s got nothing to hide. and he owns it. atlus seriously nailed akechi in this last semester and it’s brilliant and i love it.

4) everything else 

- one small thing that pissed me off in both games (but especially this one) is how many godamn fake out deaths there are. Morgana has one, Akira has one, Ryuji has one, Sojiro has one, Maruki has one, motherfucking Akechi has two. it just hurts me!

- sumire is an amazing character who has depth and she is lovely and my biggest complaint is that it feels like atlus shoved her in. like, she feels like a new addition to the game, you know what  i mean? maybe its because ive played the original p5 first, but you know, it’s not a big deal. but i love her so much

- on the topic of sumire, i cant say that im completely super duper happy with how different she felt from the other thieves? im sure that’ll be explained in p5s but she just got so much screen time that it just truly made me confused?? maybe im just a horrible person, or that’s just a really hot take. but anyway, yeah maybe im bitter because i really wanted to see extra hangouts/school trips during royal, but didn’t really.

-baton pass? literally orgasmic. it made turn base battles so damn fun and the addition of darts and billiards made me foam at the mouth it was SO SMART AND INNOVATIVE AND I LOVE IT ATLUS I LOVE YOU ATLUS YOURE SO SMART SWEETIE

-small thing, but making spells like ‘dormina’ actually useful just made the game so much more fun and dungeon crawling became something i truly, genuinely looked forward to

-being able to give gifts to my bros? absolutely incredible. thank you. side note: seeing akechi happy from giving him a multi vitamin cracked me up. side side note: giving ryuji a fuck ton of weights and him just smiling made my heart so happy i love that boy so much

- ah this game just looked so GOOD! i thought the original looked good but they really went all out. im not kidding, the smallest details in everyday life or even just normal cut scenes were out of this world. especially stuff from the third semester its just OOF good JOB atlus i love you buddy

-ahhh thieves den! how can i forget? i love it. at first i was a bit iffy with it since it really felt like persona 5 (undoubtedly the biggest game atlus has created) was just jacking itself off. but as time goes on, it became a huge addition to the game and seeing characters’ insights and extra lines of dialogue became super duper interesting and a highlight of the game for me. and don’t even get me started on how much i love love love the photos they added of them hanging out! so lovely, a bunch of them made me tear up

- i know it’s literally impossible, but i feel like the game just forgot that akechi is a person who can wield multiple persona and i just wish that could’ve been messed around with during Palaces

- showtimes are so, so crazy and i get so embarassed whenever they play on my tv because they are just outlandish and unashamed but i love them so so much it just defines persona’s personality 

-because i love ryuji: i prefer the final conversation you have with him aka ‘whaddya mean? you’re there’ but there’s still a lot of really tender and sweet moments like akira genuinely telling him that he’ll miss him, and also the fact that ryuji wants you both to send each other your times through the exercise watch so you can still race ahhhh i love him so much yall

so, overall, this game is better than the original p5 because of the extra content we get. if persona 5 was the perfect dinner, persona 5 royal is that same dinner and you get to enter the dessert buffet. it’s brilliant, it’s smart, it’s hilarious, it’s heartwarming, and it’s undoubtedly my favorite game of all time without exaggeration. while i do prefer the final cut scene (and final dialogues with some characters) in the original persona 5, in the overall experience, persona 5 royal is superior in my mind. i would willingly get amnesia to play this game again. 

I didn’t get to cover everything, but this is definitely most of what i wanted to say. if you actually get to reading all the way to the end, thanks! it means a lot. i hope we can all enjoy persona and look forward to persona 5 scramble together :-)

[tealin]

Induction McMurdo

Here's the thing about arriving at McMurdo: It's kind of like diving into your first week at college. You have a series of orientation sessions, a bunch of classes in different buildings with random numbers, and you meet a lot of new people with names and roles that are hard to keep straight, while also being offered a wide range of interesting extracurricular activities and trying to navigate the intranet to find the information you need or missed along the way. On top of this, you have to learn the strict and unusual rules around getting your food and sorting your garbage, and adapt to the unwritten conventions and jargon of the society.

A starter: 155 – The big blue building which contains the Galley as well as a number of useful offices like Lodging, Gear Issue, and Recreation. Noticeboards and the Lost and Found are here too. Essentially the hub of the station. Galley – the cafeteria. To prevent spreading germs, one must always do time at the handwash station before entering the Galley, even if one has just been to the bathroom and thoroughly washed one's hands there. The handwash station is a regular rendezvous point. Crary – the building where most of the scientists have labs and/or offices. It has three sections, or 'phases,' connected by a downward sloping 'spine.' Phase 1, at the top of the slope and nearest 155, has an upper floor with a conference room-cum-library. My desk is in a dark little room just off the library, which has been set up with cubicles. The best views in McMurdo are from the library windows. MacOps – the communications hub, which handles radio traffic amongst other things. When you leave the station you have to check out with MacOps. The SSC – stands for Science Support Center. Lots of classes in the classroom here. Otherwise it's a staging area for science teams heading out into the field. The BFC – stands for Berg Field Center. The warehouse of supplies (tents, sledges, stoves, pee bottles, etc) and where things go to get repaired. Denizens of the BFC are a tribe unto themselves and they have a most atmospheric lair on the upper floor. Helo – pronounced hee-low: a helicopter Snow machine – a snowmobile The 203s – three interconnected dormitories, numbered 203a, 203b, and 203c. I am in 203c. They are two storeys; off a long corridor are about twenty double-occupancy rooms, with a bathroom for men and for women on each floor, and a common area on the ground floor. They are being torn down and replaced in March, so it is a bit surreal to be living there.

Here is what my first three days looked like:

Wednesday 13 November 16.30 – Arrive. Orientation video. Receive dorm assignment and keys.

17.15 – Get onboarded with IT, set up network login and WiFi access

17.30 – Walk up to the transport building to receive luggage and haul it (with vehicle and coordinator assistance) to dorm. Gratefully change out of bunny boots into regular boots and feel 20lbs lighter, possibly literally.

18.30 – Dinner with coordinator. Introductions to many new and exciting people.

19.30 – Science lecture in Crary; tonight's is about the ongoing study of Weddell seal pups and at which stage in development they acquire the skill of hyperoxygenating their tissues for long deep dives. A bespoke seal-sized metabolic chamber has been built for this purpose. The pups in the study are named after favourite candies.

21.00 – Stagger into bed

Thursday 14 November 06.45 – Meet coordinator for breakfast

07.30 – Inbrief at the Chalet (administrative hub) where department leaders and new arrivals introduce themselves and explain what they do.

09.00 – Harassment Awareness training. We had to do anti-harassment training every year at Disney and this 45-minute class was way better – insightful, pragmatic, realistic – than anything we did there. Well done, USAP.

10.00-12.00 – Me time. I think I tried to write up my journal.

12.00 – lunch with coordinator, meeting more new people

13.00-14.00 – more me time. I think I tried to answer some emails. It can take about five minutes to send and receive an email in HTML Gmail, on daytime McMurdo bandwidth, so it takes a while.

14.00 – picked up my communications radio, got briefed on how to operate it and the communications protocols. The comms team have a stuffed husky mascot named Apsley.

15.00 – Visited the Discovery Hut

16.00 – walked uphill against the wind back from Discovery Hut

17.30 – dinner, meet the other Artists & Writers under my coordinator's wing. They have just come back from the Dry Valleys. Ian Van Coller is a photographer; Todd Anderson is a photographer and printmaker. Together they are documenting the disappearing glaciers of the world. See The Last Glacier.

18.00 – History Club

21.00 – Collapse into bed Friday 15 November 06.45 – Breakfast

08.00 – I was supposed to take Core Training – the introductory briefing on ways and means of McMurdo (trash sorting, the water system, the taxi/shuttle system, medical centre, etc) but in light of the parlous state of the sea ice this year, my coordinator wanted to get me on a snowmobile ASAP so I was ushered instead into

09.00 – Snowmobile Theory, i.e. how to start it, how to drive it, how not to tip over going around corners. This was entirely indoors with a specimen snowmobile. The Snowmobile Practical would be a few days later but I had to have theory first, and there was an opening here.

12.00 – rendezvous with coordinator at my desk, then lunch

13.00-16.30 – Antarctic Field Training. This consisted of a series of lectures and videos interspersed with practical demonstrations, designed to familiarise oneself with the contents of one's survival bag, which is taken with you every time you leave base, in case you're waylaid by a blizzard. We learned how to set up and run the Whisperlight stove (similar in theory to a Primus but with the burner and fuel tank as separate entities) and set up the standard issue tent. I learned the extremely clever Trucker's Hitch knot and forgot it about half an hour after class ended. In fact it went much longer than the allotted time because the power kept going out whenever we tried to watch one of the several requisite videos, so eventually Helicopter Training was postponed to 7.30 the following morning.

18.00 – Dinner. Met the new arrivals from today's C-17, a film crew making an episode of the NatGeo-Netflix-Disney series One Strange Rock.* Despite the American commission, they are in fact British, and one of them was cameraman on the show about the restoration of the Cape Evans hut, which has hitherto been my best point of reference for that interior space. Instant friends. Power outages continued. Went to bed during one particularly long one.

Saturdays are work days here, so the schedule didn't let up then. The standard work day is 7.30 - 17.30, a ten-hour day which significantly favours morning people, of whose tribe I am not. One would think that, in 24-hour daylight, circadian rhythms would be more or less malleable, but I never succeeded in going to sleep before 10 or finding it easy to wake up before 7. People complain of a certain befuddlement in Antarctica – constantly losing things, inability to concentrate, loss of vocabulary – and they call it McMurdo Brain, but my experience of working 60-hour weeks at Disney makes me think it’s probably chronic low-grade exhaustion. When I stole time for a nap or was allowed to sleep in, I felt noticeably sharper.

This particular Saturday, after the makeup Helicopter class, was entirely given over to Sea Ice Training. That was such a full and interesting day that I will give it a post all of its own next week.

[405]

awful flowers*

It's 2009 and it was summer but the breeze coming from the Pacific Ocean, we could feel it as we walked through downtown Long Beach.  The sky was starting to get darker with each new hour.

If you ever wondered whether or not you're different, especially when you're as young as I was, don't worry - everyone is always waiting to tell you how different you are, especially your family.  Different from them, I suppose, but I was just a teenager and everything affected me.  I think that's where I failed to build up a tough skin like people say.

It's 1998 and David invited me over to his house to watch a movie.  I couldn't tell you what we talked about but we watched Pulp Fiction.  I drove all the way up to San Pedro from Carson.  Did I skip class to go?  I was still marveling at the fact I was in college.

David was the first person in years I always wanted to talk to.  He was a friend of a friend.  I don't remember how it was that I met him, not really.  But even all these decades later I still remember his smile and his dimples.  He had a chin dimple.

When Bruce Willis is getting out of the shower in Pulp Fiction, before he blows a gasket because his girlfriend forgot his father's watch at his old apartment, he's toweling himself dry and David says how hot he thinks Bruce Willis is and he shouldn't have had the towel in the movie.

Very many years after David, I became engaged and that day felt like the day David gave me his number.

My older brother and I are in high school at the same time in 1992; he's a senior and I'm a sophomore and one morning we're walking into the school and a person I know from band walks opposite us and says good morning.  His name is Albert.  

David tells me, a few years after high school, he loves the Disney character Maleficent.  I don't know who that is.  He's all smiles when he talks and in retrospect, how could we not see that anyone and everyone could tell we were not straight?  When you're a kid, you always think you lie very well.

Corey breaks up with me twice in a span of almost two years, 2009-2010.  He was right to do it because even after David, and decades-worth of living, he is a more better-rounded man and I am.  It still hurt.  Made me cry twice and I couldn't argue it, especially after he gave me another chance.  He was there when I got fired from my job, he sat in the back of a police car with me when I was driving with an expired license.  Corey was sitting in my car when another car going up on La Brea was hit by a white SUV sending it crashing into mine.  Frankly, what can you do, right?  

I remember a lot about our time together.

I used to call David almost every day in between classes.

Remember pagers?

I used to go to the student union in between my chemistry course and my first linguistics seminar and used the payphone and we'd talk for those two hours. I went to the local Cal state, Dominguez Hills.

Remember having to add time to calls with quarters and dimes?

I have a memory of having a woman waiting for me to be done using the phone one time, but I didn't finish and she left.  I wasn't even embarrassed.

I only knew David for about a month, maybe two.  But he changed my life, and he doesn't know.

I would tell Isaiah he was the love of my life and my best friend.  So when he asked me to marry him  of course I said yes.

We took a vacation that was amazing.

We lived in Dallas then.  We'd been living together for about three years in New York, where we met, and we flew to Las Vegas that spring.  It was 2017.  It's one of my favorite stories about me and him and any of the men I've ever loved, The story of the ring and engagement.

The Sunday before the trip, I borrow his car for work.  I don't remember why but I did.  I didn't think anything of it.

We make plans for a group date in 1998.  David and his friend, and me and mine.  They all love the movie Grease and it is out in theaters again, but I don't remember why.  David held my hand the entire movie.

Corey was the first person I ever reached out to when I found out I was HIV-positive in 2007.  We hadn't met in person yet.

How Corey and I met was in 2004 via MySpace when MySpace was new and a thing.  I'd never even heard about Facebook, then.  But he was so handsome: green eyes and mustache, heavily-filtered  picture before any of us knew what a photo filter meant online.

How it worked then: he showed up on a friend's page – Lisbeth Espinosa - and I thought he was handsome so I clicked his picture and read what he wrote and I was floored.  I never read anything that was so brutal and fragile at the same time.  I wish I'd saved his stories from then because I'm feeling nostalgic.

He was handsome and smart and had had a pretty tough life.  I don't even know why he even wrote me in the first place when he saw I'd added him to my friends list or like one of his posts.

It is 2020 and that is what I'm thinking and I only told him recently he's my hero.

But I called him heroine because it's like that.

My older brother tells me in 1992 not to talk to Albert and to not hang around with him after Albert walks by and says good morning to us both.  I kind of laugh and ask him why, does he know him?

Albert and my older brother are in the same grade so he tells me.

My older brother, tells me I can't be around Albert because he's a fag.

My older brother, he tells me he can't have people knowing his younger brother hangs around with Albert.  Because he's a fag.

I”m fifteen years old and I don't know I'm not straight yet.

David and his and my friends come pick me up from my house to go have breakfast that spring and when I tell my father, he's upset and angry in that way he can't ever hide, but I don't know why.  This is after Grease but before my father hits me for the last time.

We're in Las Vegas and we go do things and eat things and fuck and love each other in a way that I never thought I could.  It's 2017

I loved every second of it.

Here are some things: we took a helicopter ride, we shopped and window-shopped, we had drinks for breakfast, I took him to the Double Down and Freezone, we went to the aquarium at Mandalay Bay.

It may sound very middle class and it was and I loved it. All of it.

On the second night, after the helicopter ride over the Las Vegas Strip, we're in a limousine, on the way to Piranha and we're talking but I don't remember about what because he begins to tell ask me to marry him, he reaches into his jacket pocket for the ring, and I interrupt him and say yes and I fall to the floor of the car and I cry and I love him and he loves me.

The love of my life.

My family never knew about Corey even though I was living with them and I'd lost my job.

I told Corey I would tell them and I never did because I was a coward.  

It was 2010 and I was thirty years old and still afraid of my parents and coming out.  This wasn't self-imposed: Corey asked me how long I needed and I told him the end of August and I never did it.

Over a decade later Isaiah asks me to marry him and I tell my family, my parents and my siblings, all four of them.  None of them tell me they're happy for me.

A decade before Corey, David changes my life.

A little more than a decade after David, I see Corey on the Sunset Strip, at a vegan restaurant where I am with a friend of mine – Jodi – and Corey walks in with his date and I lose my shit.  It was October 17th, 2010.

Strange the things I remember about out time, Corey and me.

David changed my life in this way:

Nearly two decades before I met Isaiah, I wrote pages and pages in my diary about David.  How I felt about him and how he made me feel.  David was the first boy I ever felt about in all the cliched ways.  Puppy love but what can you do when you're twenty-one? I write all the pages in a notebook that I left out in the family living room one night and went to bed feeling amazing and my older brother read it.  This was before that breakfast but after David held my hand.  The next morning was a regular day.  The next evening was not regular because my older and younger brothers told me they read what I wrote.  In the typical self-righteous ways, they told me all the ways in which my life was a mess.  But I didn't care and I'm sure I told them so.  I was so smug.  I remembered Albert, then.  My younger brother was quiet, my older brother was extremely upset.  I didn't give a single fuck about them and their invasion of my privacy and my own stupidity for having left my diary out in the open.  I just wanted to go to bed because I went to class and work and I didn't care about what my brothers thought about my loving this boy.  My older brother then told me he told our parents.

David was the first boy I ever liked.

Very many years later, it's 2009 and we're at a downtown Long Beach train station, Corey and me.  Before we broke up the second time.

Even more years later, I'm calling my mother and father from Dallas to tell them I'm engaged to be married to Isaiah.

Corey changed my life in this way:

I'd read the novel The Road by Cormac McCarthy and a movie based on it came out.  We went to The Grove in Los Angeles and I remember liking it but not loving it.  Corey and I were at his apartment building in Hollywood, at the bottom of the stairs.  This is before we became anything somewhat serious, before the two break ups.  And we're talking about the movie and book.  He hadn't read it.  We're parsing out what we think the apocalypse in the story is, what the cannibals mean, what the father's failures are, what the boy gets from strangers at the end, when the father dies.  And we're talking for almost two hours and we're disagreeing wildly.  And laughing and arguing in the best ways possible.  That was when I knew.  I don't know about him, but I remember that night for always because until that point, I hadn't ever discussed something like that with a man.  I knew then because we disagreed about a movie and he never once backed down.  In 2004 I new this but maybe forgot?

My older brother would have hated him.

My younger brother wouldn't have.  Corey and him have the same birthday.

Very many years before then, Albert told me he knew no one liked him at school because he was so flamboyant and openly bisexual.  He told me these things.

Corey was the first man I fell in love with.

That was how Albert changed my life: he existed as a teenager.

In 2017, Isaiah told me after our drinks at the Double Down and engagement that he was worried when I borrowed his car some days earlier, before the Las Vegas trip, because I'd made a joke about him taking me on a vacation so he could propose to me.  I laughed and told him I'd been making those cracks for years but I really didn't want to pressure him.  That wasn't what he meant. We were together for four years.

Isaiah told me as early as 2015 he'd wanted to ask me to marry him and I couldn't believe it.

Isaiah told me when I borrowed his car that previous Sunday to go to work, he already knew he'd ask me to marry him on the trip and I asked something dumb I think, and he laughed and told me that Sunday before our trip, when I borrowed his car, the ring I was wearing, the ring was in the glove box. We laughed.

It was the best day of my life.

My father changed my life in this way:

On a Monday in 1998, he confronted me about David.  I came home straight from classes because he told me to that morning and I did because my father was scary.  And I called my then-best friend crying.  I was worried.  I was frightened.  I came home and my father didn't say anything at first.  In the evening, he comes into the room I'm sharing with my younger brother and tells me off.  This is why he was so angry about that breakfast with David and our friends – he already knew.  He knew David was going to be there.  This was a terrible bullshit play that people make movies about.  Those movies about non-straight kids killing themselves, and adults being murdered simply because they exist.  I don't remember what my father said or what I said, but at a point, my father slapped me.  And he walked out.

Over twenty years before I say I will marry Isaiah, that's when I lose any semblance of respect for my father and my brothers.  I will never be like them.

My older brother changed my life in this way:

His girlfriend called me a faggot and he laughed.

Albert and Isaiah and Corey and David and my father and my older brother, these men all changed my life when I didn't want them to.  But probably when I needed them to.

Over a decade before Isaiah ends our relationship, in 2009, I'm walking Corey to the train in Long Beach and the weather is beautiful and we're holding hands and a pair of women, they say something I don't catch bu Corey tells me what it is and I say something like, “Aw, they like us together.”  We wait for the train – Corey lives in Hollywood, and jobless me lives at home in Long Beach.

Train arrives and the full platform begins to fill some more with people getting off the train.

I move to kiss and hug Corey and he tells me not to.  I think I said, “Really?”

Corey says he can't let the guys in the train he's about to get into for an hour-long ride know he's gay.

Corey is worried, scared?

Corey knows the world better than I do.

We don't kiss, we don't hug, and he gets on the train.

Albert and I were never really friends.  I wonder every now and then what happened to him.

Isaiah changed my life in this way:

I never really thought that I would ever want to be married to anyone. And when I was thirty-nine, we went to a bar in New York City, in the Upper West Side.  We weren't having a great day.  I remember that but I don't remember why.  It was the first place we'd first met for drinks but not as a date a year before.  The Suite Bar was the first place I ever met him in a social situation and I told him about me and my life, and the first time he flirted with me.  But New Year's eve in 2015, before we left New York for Dallas, we were drinking and not having a great time, an interracial hetero couple came in with their friends and they were loud and bright and Isaiah and I lit up because these people were drunk and when other people are having fun, we were having fun watching.  And when this couple bought us drinks we said thanks, and when this couple and their friends asked us to dance we said yes.  She was a firefighter and he was a model; she was white and he was black.  And we danced and sang and drank with them and their friends.  Isaiah saw me onstage at a shitty Upper West Side gay bar singing along to some bullshit Madonna song that isn't Borderline.  And I knew he loved me and I loved him.  Not in the way that it sounds.  I knew then I loved him in the way that no one in my entire life had ever made me feel.  I don't know if I would call him husband, but I think that's when I knew I would ask him to marry me, or say yes if he asked, somewhen in the future.  I didn't know until that moment that could commit to someone so unequivocally and without hesitation.  He changed my life.

Years later I interrupted him asking me to be with him forever while we rode in a limousine to a shitty gay bar in Las Vegas.  And Isaiah changed my life again when almost after two years of engagement, he broke my heart when he said he couldn't give me what I wanted as a man, as a partner, as a husband.

In 1986, I walked into a classroom in Wilmington, California, and saw the pretties girl I ever saw.

(*title comes from saeed jones’s HOW WE FIGHT FOR OUR LIVES)

[demauryss]

our love was made for movie screens || 3k words

in which lucas is a petty bitch and eliott swears he’s the master of romance

or, a coffee shop au no one asked for

ao3 

(based on prompt no. 10 from this post)

\\

"Lucas."

He doesn't know how it happens. See, he's a little hungover - just a little. And he's had two cups of tea already. But he still remembers his name, and he definitely remembers the barista calling out just that.

So he really doesn't know how it happens. One moment he's placing his order, sending a text to Arthur, confirming their meet up place. And in the next moment, when he gets to the counter, there's a clear mistake in his name (the scrawl on the cup says 'Louis') and the worst of all, there's a dick drawn next to it.

His feet have rooted to the ground, and there's anger burning inside him. It's freezing outside, but his ears are turning warm. And he's looking - staring - at the barista who just handed him his beverage, mouth agape and eyes wide and looking much like a cartoon.

"What is this?!" He asks - no, spits out. The barista - his apron says 'Eliott' - uninterested in what Lucas has to say, takes a look at his cup, and Lucas swears he sees mirth reflecting in his eyes. He looks up at Lucas again, fixing the cap on his head. Lucas feels irritation singing through his every pore, but he maintains the eye contact with the barista - Eliott.

"What?!" And it's Eliott's nonchalance that has him raging. Frustrated, he turns the side of the cup with the dick on it towards the barista who is looking coolly at Lucas, eyes assessing his every move.

"This...dick and my name! Do you always draw inappropriate stuff on these cups?"

And it's just Lucas's luck that the café, Star-crossed, is particularly empty this day, and there's no line forming behind him. It's just Eliott and him, and it's just his luck that he has to go through this humiliation alone.

Eliott's lip hitch up a fraction, but it's not a smile. It's a condescending movement and Lucas feels it, down to his bones, as Eliott looks down at him. He feels small, but it's Lucas, and he always stands his guard no matter what.

Eliott shifts, resting his weight on the counter separating him and Lucas. Lucas has half a mind of slapping the look off of Eliott's face. "Well, now that you have asked, I only draw what I feel the person is like, you know?"

He what now? Lucas knows he gasps pretty loud, heat rising to his cheeks and heart stumbling a little. A million and one things race through his mind, questions about what he did which Eliott thinks is equivalent to a dick. He swallows harshly, and Eliott looks quite smug. Lucas takes a deep breath, willing his muscles to move.

"Fuck you!" And he leaves, picking up his cup and making a show of slamming some money on the counter, which he knows is too much for what he ordered. He dumps the cup in the trashcan on his way out, feeling his heart beating quite loudly in his chest.

He doesn't look back, and he doesn't see Eliott's surprised face on his way out. And he definitely doesn't feel hurt at this random person's behaviour. And he definitely, definitely doesn't think about this incident all day long.

No, he definitely doesn't.

***

The next day, Lucas has Basile bring him beverage from the god forsaken café. They have a laugh when Basile brings him tea without any milk, knowing Lucas's dislike for the said beverage. Lucas laughs along, half-heartedly. It's a truth he can't argue with, but at least this cup has his name right and there's a clear absence of a dick next to it.

(He drinks the bitter tea in silence, much to the boys' surprise. And he definitely doesn't feel anger - it's not a disguised form of hurt, okay? - when he sees the much too familiar scrawl of words on Basile's cup, and a very beautiful looking flower next to his name. Lucas doesn't.)

***

The next day, and the day after that, Lucas forces himself to go on without his daily dose of caffeine. And when Imane calls him at the end of the weekend, inviting him for some party her brother seems to be throwing on Saturday, it's with a much caffeine-deprived brain, and to Basile's annoyingly appropriate comments about something getting him so worked up, that Lucas agrees.

And it's him who cannot find it in himself to actually elaborate why he seems so off. And maybe it's because he still hasn't admitted to himself that partly the reason has something to do with the incredibly good-looking barista and the dick incident at Star-crossed.

No, if you ask him, he still isn't hung over that day.

But it's how Lucas finds himself in an unknown place that Yann dragged him to, surrounded by unknown people in an unknown setting. Lights strobe across, dimming and brightening and repeating the cycle all over again. It gives him a headache, and he tries to wash it away with the beer he's holding, which proves as effective as a bandage to a bullet hole.

And it's how he loses track of his friends, the last he saw of them when Imane shouted something about meeting his brother and his friends too many minutes ago. Lucas had been busy wasting away in his head then, and now he supposes it's where his very intelligent and brilliant friends have wandered off to - sarcasm very much intended.

In a mix of sweating bodies and loud music and elbows jamming into his ribs, Lucas makes his way to the kitchen. The music dims a little, and it's like getting out of a train station. There's a light headache pulsating in a far corner of his brain, and it's enough to make Lucas call it a night.

And that's how Lucas sees him: tall frame looming over uncoordinated bodies, eyes black and shadowed under the lights glimmering from above, lips curved upwards, softly. Lucas sees him, the barista boy - Eliott - standing in the living room, all the way through the kitchen.

Lucas is way past the surprise which grips his chest. Anger bubbles inside him, and the initial thought of calling it a night is soon replaced by the instinct of picking up a bottle of unknown liquid, unscrewing the cap and drowning half of it in one sip, all the while keeping his eyes on the barista boy. Lucas knows he'll regret his decision tomorrow, considering how much of a lightweight he is. But it's time to be petty, and if Lucas is good at anything, it's being just that: petty.

So he does the next best thing. He keeps his eyes fixed on the barista boy, noticing how his own have grown curios by the time, and fuelled by the bravery the alcohol fills him with, Lucas raises his middle finger, high enough to make sure the barista boy notices it, and flips Eliott off.

If Lucas were sober, he'd never had thought of anything like this, let alone actually flip someone off. But he isn't, so he turns on his back, a door in the kitchen coming to his aid, and leaves.

He remember seeing how the barista boy's eyes dim a little, even though it's pretty dark despite the flickering lights in the living room to see anything clearly. It's a feeling of accomplishment Lucas wants to forever hold in his hands, nurture everyday, and tuck away in the corner of his heart. But it's heart considering how his heart misses a beat thinking of the sadness Eliott's features were gripped with.

So he does the only best thing he knows how to do: blame alcohol for making him see things which have no logic. Because why would someone who drew a dick on his cup and indirectly called him one would be hurt of Lucas actually being one, right?

Right.

***

"You seem a lot dead despite it being only two."

Lucas isn't an early riser. And never on Sundays. But last night, Mika had brought someone home, and thanks to the thin wall which separated his and Mika's room, Lucas had been scarred with voices which will give him nightmares for years to come. And as a result, he'd been up and awake well before ten.

He looks up, in the midst of rubbing the sleep away from his eyes. Mika seems as well as ever. "And you seem...thoroughly fucked."

Mika smiles, unabashedly, clapping Lucas on the back. His head jolts inside his skull, and for a moment, Lucas's whole vision seems distorted.

"Oof, Mika!" Lucas clutches his head in his hands, feeling it might explode. The consequences of his action comes to bite him in his ass. Mika looks at him sympathetically.

"I'm sorry, kitten, for last night, too. Let me make it up to you!"

Lucas feels somewhat suspicious at the suggestion. Mika never apologies, and never asks to make up for something he has done. "How?"

"My shift at Star-crossed starts in ten minutes. I'll buy you those ridiculous drinks you love so much!"

Oh. Lucas feels his throat closing up as embarrassment claws at his chest, making him drown in heat as it rises to his cheek. The events of last night, Lucas's impulsiveness, and the barista boy like a fresh wound in his memory, "When did you start working there?"

"Just two days ago," Mika seems overly excited, "C'mon, you can't say no, or you'll have to listen to me about the dude last night. God, Lucas, he was so thi-"

"Alright, alright!" Lucas cuts him off, picking up his jacket from the back of the sofa. Mika squeals happily, the sound sending shockwaves through Lucas's head. Maybe if he's lucky, the barista boy won't remember him. Maybe if he's lucky, the barista boy won't even be there.

***

Fortunately for Lucas, it's rush hour when they reach Star-crossed. There's a hundred percent less chance than before that barista boy won't see him, if he's still working. Unfortunately for Mika, he gets swallowed up with people's orders. Lucas thinks he forgot about him, when he left Lucas to put on his apron, but then Mika's cutting through the crowd, asking Lucas to wait at a booth which just got empty. Lucas obliges quietly, still wary about Mika's behaviour.

It's been more than fifteen minutes - Lucas isn't obsessively checking the clock, mind you - since that happened. The crowd had grown immense, there's no sign of Mika - or someone else - and when Lucas is pretty sure Mika definitely forgot about him, there's a presence beside him, and a steaming cup sliding on the table in front of him.

Lucas looks up, expecting to see Mika, but there's him, the barista boy, smiling down at him. He feels the familiar scratching in his throat, and his clammy palms. Feels his stomach bubbling with what he assumes is anger.

"Hi," The barista boy is quite smiley for someone who indirectly called him a dick just a few days ago, "Mika asked me to bring you this."

And being petty is a second nature to Lucas, you might have guessed, because that's what he does. He nods, pursing his lips and moving the cup around, "No dicks this time, I see."

And he revels in the surprise which flits across the barista boy's face. Eliott narrows his eyes, and surprising Lucas, comes to sit in front of him in the booth. Lucas doesn't look up, because he's sure he'll do something more petty - like admit how beautiful the barista boy actually is.

"Look, I'm sorry for that day, okay? That was really inappropriate and completely out of line for me. I- I shouldn't have done that."

Lucas stills, meeting Eliott's eyes. They're greener than Lucas thought them to be, and there's sincerity written all over his face, "Then why did you do it?"

Lucas would like to admit a few things: he's over that incident. He really is. He's just enjoying putting Eliott under the spot, and that's completely out of line for him.

Eliott squirms, eyes flirting down momentarily before looking up and fixing Lucas with them, "I was being stupid, Lucas."

Lucas raises his eyebrows, kind of surprised when his name passes Eliott's lips. He has half a mind to tease Eliott more, but the guy looks guilty as it is, and the emotions flitting over his face seem genuine. "That you were."

Eliott's eyes widen, and a playful look crosses his face, "Hey, that was rude!"

Lucas shrugs his shoulder, bringing the cup to his mouth, acting innocent, "Says the guy who drew a penis on my cup."

"So what? You gave me the bird last night too!"

Lucas remembers, the tip of ears feeling warm all of a sudden. His brain tunes out the rest of the world, focusing on Eliott's eyes, and how green they look, "Yes, that was because you were mean to me!"

"And that was because you were so immersed in your phone! I wanted to get your attention."

It's unexpected, and Eliott looks like he wasn't meaning to let that slip out, immediately shutting his mouth and eyes growing wide with horror. It's a miracle Lucas doesn't choke on his tea, because the surprise he feels is capable of anything but. "Say what now?"

"I- uh, I wanted to get the attention of a really cute boy who came to the cafe everyday?" Eliott stammers out, and there's a wine growing inside Lucas's chest. Here he was, thinking that the incredibly good looking guy at the café hates him for some reason. And here is Eliott, touching levels of petty Lucas could never imagine to, just to get his attention.

A really cute guy. Lucas feels his stomach getting caught in knots - good knots - and warmth fills his chest, till he can't help but smile. Eliott doesn't notice, looking everywhere but at him. Lucas can see how red Eliott's cheeks look, and he imagines how it would be like to touch them.

"By drawing a penis on his cup? That's very romantic of you." He'd let go off the hold he currently has on Eliott, but first Lucas has to avenge the humiliation he felt that momentous day.

Eliott looks up, and he sees the look Lucas gives him. It's enough for Eliott to decide that Lucas is, in fact, joking, and he breaks into a smile of one of his own. In retrospect, if he ever gets to such a period in his life, Lucas decides this would be the moment he'd say Eliott's hold around him begins to move from something imaginary to something tangible, and Lucas can feel in all his tissues.

"Sod off!" Eliott exclaims, looking at Lucas with a soft look in his eyes, accompanied by the smile enough to set everything to warmth, "I'm an acclaimed romantic, okay? Just ask Mika, who, by the way, looks like he's going to faint."

Eliott nods his head towards his direction, and sure enough, as Lucas turns his head towards the counter, there's Mika, grinning like a baboon on crack, both of his hands raised in a thumbs-up. For Lucas, Mika looks much too accomplished for something, and as the bells ring in his head, Lucas realizes why Mika had been overly excited and desperate to get Lucas to come with him to this cafe. Mika keeps smiling, mouthing something which Lucas can distinguish as 'Go for it.'

Lucas can't help his own smile, shaking his head at Mika, and turning towards Eliott, who has a pretty soft and adorable look on his face. "Ha, the only thing you're acclaimed as, is being stupid and having terrible plans, you know?"

There's no mocking in his tone. Eliott shakes his head, chuckling a little, before looking up and fixing Lucas with his eyes again. "And you're a dick, you know?"

Lucas smiles, raising his eyebrow. "I think we have already established that."

The laugh that bubbles out of Eliott has Lucas feeling many kind of things; his own voice mixes with Eliott, giving rise to something new. And as he decides he wants to keep feeling like this, Eliott gets up, taking the warmth Lucas was feeling with him, till it nestles in his chest all over again.

Eliott looks down at him, face set in determination, eyes glimmering, and a soft smile grazing his lips, "In that case, I'd like to make it up to you over another cup of tea, what do you say?"

It's like Lucas is getting asked out on a date. It's definitely Eliott asking Lucas out on a date. Butterflies hoard his stomach, and a big grin splits Lucas's face in half. He nods, much too quickly, but Eliott's smiling at him, and fuck, it's doing things to Lucas's heart, and his mind, and for a moment he forgets all sense of reality.

"And I'm sorry for never properly introducing myself," Eliott straightens, holding out his hand over the table - an invitation, and a glint in his eyes Lucas has yet to familiarise himself with, "I'm Eliott."

He doesn't know how it happens. One moment, he's getting caught in Eliott's eyes, his throat drying and airways closing. He's putting his hands over Eliott's. It feels right as Eliott's bigger ones envelope around Lucas's small ones. He feels his lips moving, and Eliott's mouth is breaking in a big grin. It feels like the universe is exploding right where their hands are meeting, and simultaneously, like a bird from the ashes, the warmth which enfolds Lucas in its grip gives him the feeling of buds blooming into flowers, something new arising and descending over the two.

Time seemed suspended in motion, and, in the next moment, as Eliott's laughs pulls at his heart; his hands enclasped in Eliott's pull him away from the café into a street falling into dusk, and as the blue on the sky fades into a magenta and an orange an a pink, giving rise to an imperishable hue; Eliott looks back at him as they run through unknown streets, eyes bright and wide and lips frozen in infinite smiles. And he hears a breathy whisper: between smoke mixing in clouds and their feet padding on the hard gravel and the voices of the world.

"Lucas."

[norwegianfriedokra]

I’ve done it!

It's been a while since I've posted something substantial, but now that the residency permit has come through I've got some breathing room, 11 months in fact!! So, it might get lengthy, but here is everything that happened as I remembered and experienced it.

To get a residency permit you fill out your initial application. That part isn't too difficult, as long as you already have a job offer.  You must have a job offer before your application means anything. Then you wait for them to ask for follow up, because it seems there is always follow up to your initial application.  That tends to be corrections, additional information, or something similar, and there was definitely some additional information needed about my job.  

Next you'll get a letter in the mail, because everything is sent by mail by the Auslӓnderbehӧrde (Residency Office). This letter lets you know what you will need to bring to your appointment, and that you need to go to the Auslӓnderbehӧrde to get a "Wartenummer" (waiting number) in order to get an appointment.  Here's where the real story begins.

After several cultural and translation miscommunications occurred, which for me is most likely way easier than most internationals seeking a residency permit, I show up at the Auslӓnderbehӧrde to get this Wartenummer. I show up around 11am, wait in line for about 60 minutes (that's on average around that time of day). When I get to the service desk they tell me all the Wartenummer have already been given out for the day and that I will need to show up the next day to get one.  I ask how early I should show up the next day and they said people start to show up around 8am.  Keep in mind, the next day they actually open up at 1pm, so that means if I want a Wartenummer I have to show up around 8am and wait for 5 hours before I get a Wartenummer.  

Ok, no big deal, I pack some stuff to keep me busy and head down there the next morning.  I show up 15 minutes before 8am and there are already 16 people ahead of me in line. I think to myself at this point that I'm still pretty early. I wait around for a couple of hours, get really cold and whine at Jens to bring me coffee. When he shows up I don't think I had ever shivered in my life that much, and by that time everyone waiting in line had a general understanding that movement and standing in the sun from time to time to keep warm wasn't going to lose your spot. Thankfully so, I was having a hard time of it. Luckily around 11am they opened the doors and allowed people into the warming interior waiting space, even though they aren't actually open, and give people a small piece of paper with their spot in line.  This means you can now come and go until they officially open at 1pm.  So I have lunch with Jens and then go back inside.  When I finally get to the service counter again, pretty soon after 1pm because I was number 17, I find out all the Wartenummer are gone.  I'm confused because I assumed that the slip of paper was the Wartenummer I was waiting for.  I come to find out that no, actually, that was just the number in line, not the Wartenummer for appointments.  But at this point they go ahead and schedule an actual appointment for me on the 6th of May.  Which wasn't that far ahead and all, but still after my start date for work.  

So, at this point I have an appointment to get my residency permit, albeit after my start date at work.  So I bike off to work from the Auslӓnderbehӧrde to explain my situation...

Ah, I forgot to mention that biking to the Auslӓnderbehӧrde takes about 30 minutes, so every time I had to go there it was a bit of a bike ride. Not bad, it just took planning, right?  

Side note: I often would get a bit lost on my way there because I was always searching for a more direct route, as I kept missing a certain on ramp (somehow) that would take me over the main tracks from the Frankfurt Main train station.  You can see those tracks on the map above, they are quite substantial.  Often my bike tires would get low on air, like really low, so biking was super painful (eventually I got them aired up), also I loaded down the bike with a sleeping bag and other gear to make the waiting easier and the bike was just heavy to begin with.  

...but back to the main story.  I arrive at work and tell them my story. Me: "I have an appointment for my residency permit but it's not until after my start date" *sad face* (see other definition; dejected duck face). Work: "That's cool, but can you please try to get a cancelled appointment (that really means Wartenummer)? Otherwise we have to redo all your paperwork." *slightly annoyed face* (see other definition; it's always hard being an immigrant get with the program...face)

Alrighty then..the next day the Auslӓnderbehӧrde opens at 8am.  At this point I figure, I arrived 5 hours early for them opening at 1pm, but since this is really early in the morning I'll show up at 4am and see if that is early enough. This time I'm prepared with a sleeping bag, a thick coat and tea...I'm ready for it all! I arrive at 3:45am to find the doors already open, and I'm Wartenummer 22.  Ok, I'm probably not early enough for an appointment but I'll wait 4 hours and try anyways.

Side note: During this whole process I learned all kinds of new sleeping positions, and I learned how little I really care about sleeping weirdly in front of other people, and vice versa.

And...no Wartenummer.  

That evening (I think, it's still a bit of a blur), Jens and I are out with some friends of his of which many are internationals, and I share my story.  At the dinner table I heard their stories, and one story was of a person who showed up at midnight in order to get a Wartenummer at 8am.  More information I find out is that there are often only 2 available Wartenummer per day, because it's all based on how many unexpected cancelled appointments there were for that day.

Woah there...ok, I'm a bit intimidated at this point. But I'm like, ok this is my dream, work hard to get your dream right? I can wait overnight at the Auslӓnderbehӧrde, I can totally do this.  You see, as an american I'm sitting here thinking the following, "I'm going to be by myself, in the dark, sitting outside this building, near a slightly industrial area in the middle of a big city".  I'm nervous..and I can hear my relatives telling me not to do it because it's too dangerous. You see I've been told not to go running alone late at night (that means after 8pm) in the US. So for many europeans/germans they think I'm this crazy american, being scared.  That still doesn't mean I'm not fighting against my cultural instincts here.

Anyways, the next time I arrive at the Auslӓnderbehӧrde I show up at 10:45pm, because they are to open at 7:30am the next day...

Side note: Did I mention they have different operating hours every day, so I had to reassess each day when I was to arrive? And as my story progressed I learned new information so I was continually having to reassess my arrival time.  

...I have my gear, I'm ready.  I show up and there are already 15 people in line.  At this point I'm like, what the f**k there is no point in staying, but seriously folks.  I ask those waiting when they showed up to wait in line and I'm greeted with crickets.  No one is talking (or they don't understand english or german, either way), and when I thought about it, it was obvious. You don't want to share because in case you don't get an appointment you'll have to show up again the next day.

Side note: Just because they often have approx. 2 Wartenummer for cancelled appointments that doesn't mean they actually have them every day.  Sometimes they don't have any Wartenummer because no one cancels. That means you might be waiting in line for your Wartenummer for five hours with nothing to show for it.

Eventually one person did pipe up and state that she showed up at 10pm and there were 20 others that had shown up but left, and that they had friends holding their place, so there were in fact more like 35 people in line at that point.

So I'm stressed, right?  When exactly am I going to be able to make this work? How early do I really need to show up?  How can I make this work when I have to use a restroom overnight? Would I need to buy that tool to allow women to pee like men and bring a bottle? Or would I need to find the German version of Depends to make it work?

Then Easter weekend shows up on me, something I hadn't even thought about because all I did every day was think about the Auslӓnderbehӧrde. I find out that their hours changed for Thursday, and that Friday and Monday they wouldn't be open for the holiday weekend. At this point, there wasn't anything else I could even do until Tuesday. But...oh wait..on Tuesdays they aren't even open, so I can't try to get an appointment until Wednesday!

So...my plan became this.  I'll drop by work on Tuesday, explain the situation, and see if they are willing to push my start date to past my appointment on the 6th of May so my new start date would be the 15th of May.  I arrive at work and no one's there, still on vacation from the Easter Holiday it seems. I send an email and get an automated response saying anyone who can make such a decision isn't there, but they will be back the next day.  Alrighty then...Let's try  again at the Auslӓnderbehӧrde.  

I figured I would show up on Tuesday night around 7pm-ish, see what the line looks like and if it's bad already I will simply go to work on Wednesday and try to explain in person. I had bought myself a camp chair at some point to make the whole process easier too, so I bring that instead of a sleeping bag this time as the weather had gotten a lot warmer. At this point I'm pretty pessimistic that I'll get a Wartenummer.  Here's a picture of me when I get there at 725pm.

I was the first one to show up! I couldn't believe it, I was so flabbergasted. I set up my chair, brought out my waiting gear (see other definition: kindle, phone with downloaded Netflix episodes, Spotify playlists).  Not more than 30 minutes after I showed up someone else arrived, said that they normally start a list, and then he made a list with my name first, and then he wrote his name and left. I wasn't sure about the list thing, I hadn't heard about it before, so I figured I would stay to be sure.

It was a pretty nice evening so the first 3 hours were no big deal. Around 9pm people started showing up. Around 10pm it started to get a bit cold but I had brought my down jacket so I was ok. I started drifting in and out of sleep. I remember bolting awake just after midnight hearing the, I believe, turkish guy who had been sitting next to me holding people back saying I was first in line, as they had just opened the doors to let us in to wait inside. Kind of bleary eyed and panicky I grabbed my things and went inside. It didn't really matter though, because the security guy who let us in just took the list, after confirming everyone was on it, and then we waited another 2 hours. Weird sleeping positions abounded, but somehow snoring never showed up.

I definitely slept some more inside.  Warm, in my camp chair (me and that camp chair are now good friends), I waited. At 2am we all got our little slips of paper, which I coveted and stored securely before I jumped on my bike and took off for home.  

I had hoped to get some more sleep when I got home, but after that 25 minute bike ride I was awake again. I also knew I had to wake up in 3 hours to bike back to the Auslӓnderbehӧrde, so I was nervous to fall asleep in case I didn't actually wake up with my alarm. Instead I just took it easy, ate some food, packed my paperwork and headed back out there around 5:45ish.  I show up and…

Side Note: I waited in one particular spot in the waiting area inside when I showed back up and the other 5 after me in line gravitated towards me and waited around me like I was a beacon.  It was rather strange and humorous, or perhaps I was just sleep deprived?

...finally my number gets called at 8am when they open.  I got an actual Wartenummer! Hallelujah!!  I go upstairs for the open appointment. I go inside, bring all my paperwork out, and after 10 minutes of review they find a missing piece of information.  

Unfortunately it was on the paperwork confirming my living situation, something only Guillaume could officially answer as the owner of the apartment. It's even more unfortunate because he's currently in Argentina for work. I had no idea when he would even wake up, let alone see a message from me about the situation.  At this point I'm like, s**t, I was first in line but I'm still not going to get this finished today. Luckily she tells me an email from him confirming such and such is fine, and that if they get the email before 2pm that day I can show up and go straight back upstairs to that room and finish processing my paperwork. Also, that if I don't hear back from him before 2pm, I need to email them an update and they will try to fit me in before I'm supposed to start work. Ok, I'm exhausted, but I bike off to work to give them an update. That maybe, just maybe, I can start on the 1st of May.  

Then I bike home, super exhausted now...wait wait, I stopped off at the store first and bought a pastry and some pringles because I'm also super hungry at this point, and go home. Oh man, I was beat walking through that store. If it had been slightly worse I might have been drooling as I walked around.

So now I'm laying on the couch for the next couple of hours, trying to stay slightly awake in case I get a message from Guillaume or the Auslӓnderbehӧrde. Then around 10:15am Guillaume messages me like the Superman that he is. Guillaume: "Is there still time?" Me: "Are you wearing a cape?" *something akin to Avengers/Superman theme music is now playing in my sleep deprived brain...OMG I'm so happy at this point*.  He quickly sends the necessary email, and the previously super exhausted me who is now wide awake takes a quick shower and jumps back on her bike to bike back, a 3rd time, to the Auslӓnderbehӧrde.  

I get there with 30 minutes to spare before their lunch break. The person helping me is also training someone else so I guess it takes 5 more minutes for my paperwork to get finished.  The actual processing time for the paperwork was so short, but everything leading up to it was so drawn out and exhausting, I was stunned at the end.

Me: "Das War's?" (definition: that's it?)

Nice Lady: "Ja." (see other definition: ah you're so cute, what did you expect?)

Elated I bike off to the copy shop to make copies of my Aufenthaltstitle for work. I'm almost dancing on my bike, singing to the music on my phone. I'm overjoyed that it's finally done! I make copies, and dropped them off at work. Once home I'm so exhausted but still awake that it took me a bit but eventually I passed out.  I think I passed out around...2pm? I'm not sure really.  I just know I snacked hard on peanuts and chocolate before I fell asleep. I woke up this morning just before 6am, and have been until now writing this all up for ya'll to enjoy.

Ok, this was a bit drawn out, but seriously guys the whole process was intense. There were several times these past few weeks when I wanted to cry because of messed up sleeping schedules, unknowns, and the fear of having to leave the country and then come back in three months because I might have missed something.

Revelation: I have an even more profound respect for immigrants now. I have an inkling of what it must be like for people waiting in lines for things like water in 3rd world countries.

I met some really interesting people during this experience. The people waiting in line like me were from everywhere but europe or the US. I met some interesting people from Japan, Taiwan, Tunisia, Uzbekistan, Turkey, and India. Those were the people who I actually bothered to ask where they came from. They were also the people who understood what I was asking. I honestly cannot imagine how hard it must have been for those who didn't speak much english or german.  

I have a request for anyone reading this blog entry. After reading my small commentary as someone without much of a language barrier and a lot of local help I hope I can share this with you all. This process for me was exhausting, confusing, and at times frightening. But can you imagine, after reading my tale, just how much harder it must be for those trying to immigrate in Germany or the US, who didn't have the help I did?  How hard it must be for those who don't know the languages I know, and...for those who didn't have the skin tone I have? Let's also mention that I was, by far, the worst dressed out of the bunch. Oregonians, already known as rather lowkey in attire for the US, and here I am in jeans and a hoodie waiting in line next to others dressed super nice.  Despite that I feel I still had an easier time of it simply from the lack of language barrier, and I'm sure some unconscious white privilege that came along with it.

Whelp my coffee's gone cold, and I'm starting to get hungry. Thanks to everyone who has supported me on this journey, a life goal of mine, to live and work in Germany as an adult. I didn't realize just how much of a dream this was until after leaving that office. The sunny bike ride from the Auslӓnderbehӧrde to work, when I should have been exhausted, was one of sheer joy. A life experience that I hope I never forget. With this I leave you with my theme song during this adventure, "Can't Knock the Hustle" by Weezer.      

[adventuresaroundasia]

This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info. 

After five years of living in China, and two years of This Beijing Life, things have changed. I left my job as a college counselor in China, and now I’m living a life on my terms. I’m my own boss, I travel when I want, and live where I want. I’m FINALLY living my dream of location independence.

I hope you’ll all follow me along on my new journey: The Freedom Life.

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What I Was Up to in March

This March was a BUSY month full of USA travel. From my bachelorette party in Denver to a Southwest US road trip (including California, Vegas, and the Grand Canyon), to a few weekend trips from Palm Desert, I barely had any time to get work done! That said, this month was awesome, and I had a ton of fun moments and memories.

Where I Was This Month

Palm Desert, California

Denver, Colorado

Slab City, California

Idyllwild, California

Los Angeles, California

San Diego, California

Las Vegas, Nevada

Flagstaff, Arizona

The Grand Canyon!

Joshua Tree, California

Palm Springs, California

All the girls at brunch!

Highlights

Overall, this month was pretty awesome! Here are some of my favorite moments.

My Denver Bachelorette Party!

Right at the start of March, I headed over to Denver for my (very early) Bachelorette Party!!

While some people may think Denver is weird for a bachelorette destination, I thought it was perfect. Firstly, Denver is a really awesome and affordable city, making it a great place to have a party without breaking the bank. Secondly, my friends are ALL OVER the US, and Denver is a hub for multiple airlines, making it super easy and affordable for all my friends to meet in one place.

While I knew my bachelorette party would be fun (just based on all the awesome people attending), it ended up really exceeding my expectations. The girls, lead by my Maid of Honor Sarah, really planned such an epic weekend. They found a super cute Airbnb with room for all six of us and planned an epic day of celebrating.

First, we had brunch with unlimited mimosas and bloody mary’s (my favorite!). Next, we did a brewery tour in a tuk-tuk! (Which is awesome because I used to lead tuk tuk brewery tours in Beijing). The girls actually created a hilarious scavenger hunt, which had me getting proposed to (multiple times), rubbing the heads of bald strangers, getting carried around in a bar, and plenty more. The best part was that people in Denver are SO NICE. Seriously, everyone we met wanted to make sure I had a fantastic bachelorette, and people were so eager to check off items on my scavenger hunt.

It was honestly the perfect bachelorette and I could’ve asked for more!

Bronte, Annisa and I in San Diego!

Southwest US Road Trip

If you didn’t already know, I went on an epic 2-week Southwest road trip this March! Two of Chris’ brothers and their girlfriends flew over to the US, and the six of us rented the world’s best ultimate soccer mom mini van for our trip, which we fondly named Bessie Lou.

This van took us from LA to San Diego, Vegas, Flagstaff, the Grand Canyon, Joshua Tree, Palm Springs and back to LA! She was brand new with 45 miles on her when we left, and by the time we brought her back she had almost 2,000 miles on her…

This two-week road trip was tons of fun, especially since the two couples that joined us had never been to the US before. I was also able to go to a ton of places I’d never seen, like Joshua Tree and the Grand Canyon! None of us were ready to leave when the trip was over. We had such a great time, and I can’t wait to plan another trip with them again.

Waiting for the Thunder From Down Under

Girls Night in Vegas

While Chris had his Bachelor Party in Vegas, the girls all went out to celebrate my friend (and Chris’ brother’s girlfriend) Bronte’s birthday. Rather than sitting at home wondering what all our men were up to, we planned a day that was just as wild as theirs.

After a little discount shopping at Ross and a solid hour of getting lost trying to find a Starbucks, the girls all met up on the Strip for dinner and drinks. We all bought VIP tickets to Thunder Down Under, which was definitely a crazy show! I was even called up onstage (I almost had a heart attack), but thankfully it was just to win a free calendar. Whew!

Overall, it was a pretty fun bonding experience with all the girls, and we didn’t end up going to bed until almost 4 am. Granted, we paid for it the next day, with hangovers, blistered feet, and a 10 am checkout.

Hello Grand Canyon!

Hiking The Grand Canyon and Joshua Tree

I can finally say I’ve seen the Grand Canyon! I absolutely loved the Flagstaff and Joshua Tree portions of our trip. We got to unpack and stay at some super cute Airbnb properties where we could actually cook healthy-ish meals.

The best place we stayed was definitely a cute little forest cabin in Mountainare (near Flagstaff). In the evenings we’d cook dinner, have a few drinks, and play the world’s hardest game of charades called “God Hates Charades“. I actually had to act out Nicholas Cage taking out a life insurance policy on Wolverine.

The National Parks themselves were also amazing. The Grand Canyon is stunning, and I definitely want to go back and do some longer hikes around there another time. Joshua Tree was also beautiful, and we did the 29 Palms hike to a desert Oasis. Since California has been a bit rainy this year, the entire mountain was covered in beautiful wildflowers!

Some art from Slab City

Day Trips to Slab City and Idyllwild

This March, my parents wanted to show us some of the cute towns and interesting places around Palm Desert. Our first trip was to Salvation Mountain and Slab City, which is basically Burning Man all year long. Salvation Mountain is a giant hill in the desert that’s been painted and decorated like it’s straight out of Dr. Seuss with a ton of religious quotes. I honestly could’ve stayed here for hours taking pictures.

Meanwhile, Slab City has a ton of people living off the grid and a bunch of artists creating the coolest sculptures out of trash and recycling. We even had a super interesting conversation with a guy who had glued mutilated Barbie’s all over his car as a statement about body image. He explained that his sister was born with a physical disability, and would ask how many surgeries it would take her to look like Barbie. Since then, he’s had a major issue with Barbie and its representation of stereotypical standards of beauty.

Finally, my family, Chris and I took a day trip to Idyllwild, which is a very cute mountain town. We had great Mexican food, partook in a coffee tasting, and wandered around all the little shops. I even purchased a pair of socks that say “my cat is f-ing cool” with an old school picture of a little girl petting a cat.

This sign is much smaller than I thought it would be

Losing Inches (But Not Pounds)

As many of you know, I’ve been putting in a lot of effort to exercise, eat healthy, and get to a weight that’s appropriate for me and my body. I’ve been putting in a TON of work, but not really seeing much of a difference on the scale. I know I’m probably transitioning muscle into fat, but still… my weight is far too high for someone who’s only 5’4″.

That said, I’ve been using tape measurements weekly, and I’ve seen a huge difference there! I’ve lost an inch off my chest, another inch off each of my arms, 2 inches off each of my thighs, another two inches off my hips, and THREE inches off my waist! However, despite all of these changes, I’ve only actually lost 5 lbs. WTF?

In addition to measuring myself, I also decided to try on my wedding dress (which I bought off the rack) to see how it fit. I definitely noticed my dress was easier to zip up and fit much better, but it wasn’t until my mom took a few pictures that I realized how much my work has paid off.

It seriously looks like I’ve lost 15 pounds. I’m not joking.

Everyone: my parents, my friends, my nutritionist, all FREAKED OUT when they saw the photos. My nutritionist even showed the photos to everyone in her office. I seriously wish I could show you guys the before and after photos because they’re crazy (unfortunately it’s my wedding dress so I have to hold off for now).

If you’re trying to lose weight and you don’t see the numbers on the scale changing, try using a measuring tape and taking photos. I don’t notice a big difference in my week to week photos, but the before and after of my wedding dress is CRAZY.

While it is frustrating that I can’t seem to get the scale to move, the pictures and measuring tape speaks for itself. At least something is working.

Getting proposed to by a bartender with a lemon ring

Meeting another bachelorette!

Challenges

Not everything this month was perfect. Here were some of my rougher moments.

I Forgot My Phone in California for my Bachelorette in Denver…

After getting dropped off at the airport I realized I was forgetting something. My phone! Unfortunately, even if I was able to get in touch with anyone, there would be no time for my mom to drive all the way back home, grab my phone, and make it back to the airport in time, so I was just out of luck.

Thankfully I brought my computer so I was able to get in touch with someone to come pick me up from the train station, but not having a phone was definitely a bit stressful.

Being phoneless definitely made for a very fiance-free bachelorette weekend. I couldn’t text him even if I wanted to!

Unfortunately for me, I had to be really reliant on other people to take photos, which ended up working out in the long run. In the end, it wasn’t ideal, but if I’m going to forget a phone on a trip, at least it was a short one!

At least it looked pretty?

So Much Snow in Denver

Usually, March in Denver isn’t too cold, but this year the snow was CRAZY! The day of my bachelorette it really started coming down, and our brewery tour leader had to switch to his car to get us back home! Thankfully, no one’s flights were delayed for more than a few hours, and Denver definitely does not shut down in the snow.

If this were Seattle, all of the breweries would’ve been empty once it started snowing. But Denver is completely flat and people are used to it, so despite the multiple inches of snow on the road, people kept partying all evening!

Unfortunately, one of the girls didn’t bring boots and her ballet flats were NOT doing the job. I’m honestly surprised her feet didn’t just fall off. When I went to the airport on Sunday evening, the temperature was -1 Fahrenheit and my coat was NOT good enough for that kind of weather. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced a place that cold before!

I hate packing almost as much as this guy hates dolphins

Packing All My Stuff… AGAIN.

If there’s one thing I hate about my lifestyle, it’s packing everything up and moving every few months. Why do I have so much stuff? Where does it all come from??

Chris and I have managed to easily get our bags down to 23 kilos (50 lbs), especially if we can check two bags. However, we discovered our flight from Beijing to Vietnam at the beginning of April, only allows ONE 20 kilo bag!! We tried to add weight to our one bag, or buy a second checked bag, but neither were options for “such a short flight”. The only option was to pay $15 USD per extra kilo at the airport. WTF CHINA EASTERN??

We even spent an hour on hold with the China Eastern US office only to get a girl that literally had no idea and couldn’t help us at all. Her only advice was to call the Beijing airport and ask them. Why?? What???

Usually this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but A) I’m traveling with a wedding dress that takes up half my small carry-on suitcase so I can’t just put all my heavy stuff in there, and B) it’s really hard for me to find CGM (curly girl method) approved products in Vietnam, so I wanted to stock up and bring them over. Unfortunately for me, I had to make some tough choices…

In the end, our suitcases were both 22 kilos, but thankfully the check-in staff said NOTHING. They also didn’t mind that Chris had 2 personal items in addition to his carry on and that our carryons were all way over the weight limit. Ummm thanks, China Eastern? We totally would’ve just bought a second bag if you’d offered it for less than the price of a new organ.

California sea lion!

Getting Super Sick on the Road Trip

During the road trip, most of us got some weird variant of the flu. It honestly sounded like the plague in our minivan. After one day in Vegas trying not to die, and a full day of driving to Flagstaff, I was happy to skip out on Sonoma and spend the entire day sleeping and watching movies in our little cottage. It was definitely necessary.

So many temptations

Eating Out For Every Meal

After making tons of progress getting fit and eating healthy, it was really hard to keep the momentum going on a road trip. Why is eating out in the US so unhealthy? I tried to make good choices for every meal, but finding good healthy food while traveling is easier said than done.

You’ve got some mean drivers San Diego…

Stressful Driving in San Diego

While I’m comfortable driving, I’ve actually never driven a car as big as Bessie Lou before. This 7-seater minivan was GIANT (seriously, I don’t know how they can call it a mini van). While I eventually got used to her extreme size, navigating the highways and roads in LA, San Diego, and Vegas was a nightmare. Firstly, California drivers are MEAN. WHY ARE YOU ALL SO MEAN???

Do you want to change lanes? These people will legit speed up. People complain about LA, but driving in San Diego was worse. To get anywhere I had to get on and off multiple highways, which were all extremely confusing. Every time I needed to get into town, I had to go on a highway, immediately get off at the first exit onto another highway, change over five lanes and then immediately get off at the next exit. This meant I had approximately 2 minutes to change over five lanes on a super busy highway where no one will let you over.

No wonder everyone from Washington hates California drivers. You guys are all a-holes. Don’t even pretend like this fact surprises you.

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas… including my kindle.

Leaving my Kindle in Vegas

Guess who forgot her kindle at the pool in Vegas and didn’t notice until she was literally about to leave the US? This girl!

Thankfully the hotel had it and was happy to mail it to me for a fee. Unfortunately for me, I only had 2 days left in the US and there was no way I could get it in time, so I had to run to a Target and buy a new Kindle (I do not want to try and find a Kindle in Vietnam). Maybe I can sell my old one when I get home?

My mom looking fashionable in Idyllwild

What I Wrote in March

March was extremely busy, so I didn’t have much time to write, but I did crank out two posts!

Zhang Mama – The Best Hole in the Wall Restaurant in Beijing

The Freedom Life: February 2019

Best Instagram Shots

I’m excited to move back to Hoi An, and apparently, you’re all excited for me to move back too!

  View this post on Instagram

  Guess what? I’m moving back to Hoi An in April! Between now and then I’ve got a lot of adventures planned though: 2 week US road trip, a week in Beijing (!!) and then I’ll have the next 5 months in Hoi An! Which of these adventures are you most excited for? Let me know in a comment!

A post shared by Richelle (@adventuresaroundasia) on Mar 16, 2019 at 11:25am PDT

I don’t usually do selfies on Instagram, but I made an exception and apparently you all don’t mind! How can I complain about not being able to fit all my hair products without showing off my hair?

  View this post on Instagram

  What’s weighing down your bag when you travel or move abroad? Over the last few days, I’ve had to pack up everything I own (AGAIN). You’d think that after a year and a half of this I’d have it down, but apparently not. I just keep getting worse! Where does all this stuff come from?? 😧😧 I mean, if I was just hopping from one SE Asian country to the next, things might be easier, but with the weather differences and huge long- haul flights, I need entirely different wardrobes. Seriously, I was just in Denver where it was -1 FAHRENHEIT and soon I’ll be in Vietnam at the start of the super duper hot and humid season. But of course, since I’m a girl, I’ve got my guilty pleasures. And you’d be surprised what it is that’s weighing down my suitcase. Nope- it’s not clothes, shoes or makeup. It’s HAIR PRODUCTS. Yep, I discovered the Curly Girl Method and now I have a problem. Half the weight of my suitcase is a bunch of bottles of silicone-free conditioner and curly Girl styling products. Sue me. Oh yeah, and I’ve got a wedding dress that’s coming everywhere with me too, so that’s fun! 😂😭 what weighs down your suitcase? Let me know in a comment!

A post shared by Richelle (@adventuresaroundasia) on Mar 20, 2019 at 4:52pm PDT

Travel Product I Can’t Live Without

I learned this month that I can’t survive without a kindle! While I love a good physical book, packing tons of books while traveling just isn’t practical. Plus, it can be super hard to find good English-language books on the road. I invested in a Kindle when I first moved to China to teach English, and now I’m on Kindle #3!  (I dropped the first one, and left the second one in Vegas… whoops).

Seriously, if you live abroad or travel long-term, you don’t want to be without one of these. It’s super easy to buy books on the Amazon store and download them directly to your Kindle wherever you are.

If you want some good travel book recommendations, check out Undress Me in the Temple of Heaven, Kosher Chinese, Wild, Love with a Chance of Drowning, and What I Was Doing While You Were Breeding.

Megan’s poor feet!!

Favorite Outfit of the Month

This month I rented a gorgeous long-sleeved red dress from Rent the Runway for my Bachelorette and it was perfect! Not only was this dress super flattering, but it was also extremely comfortable. I’m 100% getting a replica of this dress made when I’m in Vietnam.

What I’m Listening To

My interview on the Comes With Baggage Podcast! My fiance Chris and his friend Kaitlyn have just started an epic travel podcast, and I’m the guest for episode 2! If you’re at all interested in learning about our marriage visa problems, how I got started traveling or teaching abroad in China, you’re going to want to check out this episode!

[button url=”https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/comes-with-baggage/id1457250570?mt=2″ label=”Listen to the Podcast!” size=”large” target=”_blank”]

Best Reads of March

Here are my favorite blog posts from the month of March!

My ‘Interesting’ Experience at the Kumbh Mela Festival – Vicky Flip Flop Travels

Wow! Vicky’s description of this festival is incredible! As I’m reading it, I can imagine the full-on culture shock of attending the largest Hindu festival in the world. This post both makes me want to go… and not go.

How I Became a Successful Travel Blogger – Adventurous Kate

This post was a bit different than I thought it would be, but I actually really liked it. Rather than a post filled with advice, Kate tells the full story of how she got into travel blogging, and the business and life decisions she made that helped her career. She also talks a lot about her upbringing and how that helped push her along this path.

Top 7 Quirky Things to do in Kaohsiung Taiwan – Journalist on the Run

I was LITERALLY just talking with Chris about doing another Taiwan trip, and he mentioned Kaohsiung. When I said “What is there to do in Kaohsiung? Why don’t we just go to Kenting for the beaches?” he mentioned Kaohsiung was worth visiting. What is there to do in Kaohsiung? Well, now I know!

Shorts and snow in Idyllwild

What’s Next for April 2019?

Well… April is already half over, but I can still keep you in suspense! At the beginning of April, I’m heading to Beijing for 5 days of touristing and meeting up with old friends… oh, and eating ALL THE FOODS. Next, I’m heading to Vietnam where I’ll be staying for 5 months! I’ll be finding a good house, joining a coworking space, and enjoying the tropical weather in my hotel’s pool!

The Freedom Life: March 2019 This post may contain affiliate links. Please read my disclosure for more info.  After five years of living in China, and two years of 

[airyravenmaid]

Again There Were Four

What’s up, y’all? Guess who decided to write more weird stuff with my Final Fantasy Versus XV crossover AU? I actually do have a handful of snippets from it done and soon-to-be done, but I wanted to get this one up so it’s less confusing going off of my other fic posted on here (due to what certain others thought of the other earlier on in the storyline big sis and I came up with, but I’m sure you can guess that one). So, yeah, this one takes place after that and during Chapter 10 where everything in Noct’s life goes even more to shit, meaning this... isn’t the happiest of parts lmao. Nonetheless, I hope you guys like it, and if possible, I really hope to get more up! Enjoy! 💘

How could things possibly get any worse, Noctis kept wondering to himself on the train taking him and his comrades to the Cartanica Station in Tenebrae of all places following the disaster of a lifetime. It was bad enough he had to deal with Luna dying in the line of duty, but now not only could Ignis no longer see arguably because of him, but the latter incident caused a nasty spat between Noctis and Gladio over what the bigger problem was in their opinions. To say things had taken a turn for the worst would be putting it lightly in the cruelest form of the word.

There he continued to traverse the locomotive cars, idle whenever he heard some passengers speak of the events that befell Accordo’s unfortunate capital city (including word of the older of the Nox Fleuret siblings, who was currently facing punishment for being the blame). He passed his longtime friends in their own seats, but eventually came across a head of rose pink hair he knew only naturally belonged to one person in possibly all of Eos. They hadn’t spoken much since what was supposed to be their peaceful first date, but after their “forbidden” first kiss, things only got more awkward when they did somewhat spot each other before the Hydrean’s wrathful trial. Now was a good time to break the new ice, Noctis figured, since he really had nothing else left to lose in his life.

‘Alright, here goes,’ Noctis started in his thoughts, sitting next to Lightning and waiting until she looked his way to attempt to speak. A lot of words got lost on his tongue from the thick atmosphere and how he could speak again to the girl he liked following disaster after the next. To his luck, he managed to get something out for progress. “...Hi.”

“You’re not holding up so well still, are you?” Lightning wondered a tad too bluntly.

Well, so much for small talk. Being reminded at losing his first love by the second definitely put enough of a damper on Noctis’ already-gloomy mood. “Not even a little,” he confessed, head sagging forward with his arms supported only by his knees.

“As expected from you, really. Something would seriously be wrong if you were suddenly acting fine.”

“What? You gonna call me a mopey coward too? I heard plenty from Gladio in case you forgot.”

“Maybe if you didn’t put words in my mouth and waited for me to talk, then we’d actually be having a good enough conversation.” Lightning’s no-nonsense tone once again prevailed over Noctis’ hard-bitten variant, the man conceding easy defeat. “What I am still gonna tell you though, is that you can’t let yourself get dragged around by one sudden tragedy, whether or not it was out of your control.”

“This isn’t even just one sudden tragedy, Claire. It’s two after another that’s happened since I even left home. I’m not saying I’m ready to throw the towel in, but… is it really that bad I’m not exactly ‘overjoyed’ that people I care about keep having all this crap happen to them because of me?! It’s not exactly the easiest damn thing in the world to swallow.”

“Never said it was easy. Possible, but not easy.” Lightning saw how Noctis didn’t seem the least bit reassured. Bringing hope to nigh-damned souls was something she’d done fine in the past, but apparently pep talk here felt much harder than she thought. “Noct. You have to understand you’re not gonna be ready for— well, anything, actually. But also get you aren’t going through this by yourself.”

“That’s a shock. A lot of people that wanna help me wind up paying the price for it in the end.”

“And everyone who did knew that, too. They wanted to see you keep going, and did whatever it took to make sure it happened. Doesn’t that at least mean something to you?”

“Why would I say it didn’t?! If none of it meant a thing to me, I wouldn’t be feeling like this! How could you even know what it’s in any way like to—?!” Noctis stopped when he realized how angry he was getting and who he was about to say what to. Lightning, as usual, kept a stoic face, but he knew at this point not to mistake that for acceptance of just anything. He sighed, sitting up and looking more dejected than ever. “...Nevermind. I’m not gonna take this out on you. Sorry.”

“Smart choice. But, do you get what I’m saying, or not? At least tell me that part.”

“More or less, yeah. Question is why you’re bothering to tell me this, though.”

“Besides the fact that I and plenty of others care about you, you mean? Well… it’s another reason besides that.”

“What’s the other reason?”

“Noct, don’t you remember?” The hesitant pause in her voice was so short Noctis almost missed it, but what came from her mouth after was far more important. “‘Altissia and back’.”

...Oh. That was right, wasn’t it? Noctis felt his heart sink at the rather ironic reminder, looking right at Lightning almost shocked. He shouldn’t have been in any sense of the word, considering it was him who had initially held the deal to almost philosophy levels from the moment they left Duscae. But, how everything had changed since then. He remembered how the others did warn him on changing his mind about Lightning before their destination, but in no way did he think it’d be like this, or severely come to get back at him once the initial deal had been nonetheless kept and now unequivocally concluded.

Wow. Having to pretend he’d never met Lightning was aching far more than his past self thought it ever would. Noctis looked up with her, seeing a very familiar morose glint in her eyes that he only recognized as being in his own. So much swirled in his cumbersome heart about it, but in the end, it all fell defeated at the unavoidable truth of the matter.

“We did say that,” Noctis sighed, matter-of-factly. “In that case, you’re more than free to go, but I don’t need to tell you that. When are you leaving? Our next stop is near where the next royal tomb is.”

“I won’t be joining you then,” Lightning told him, equally somber. “After this, I’m boarding another train bound for home. A promise is a promise, and I have every intention of keeping it.”

“And you’re sure you don’t wanna stay a little longer and leave after we get the next arm?”

“Well, as much of an… experience as it’s been here in Eos, you four aren’t the only ones I need to be with. I’m a woman of my word, and this is my decision.” Lightning glanced ahead at the front of the train, her pointer finger hooked over the front of her chin. “In a way, you could say this was sorta my ‘Focus’ that I needed to complete.”

Noctis didn’t at all know what she meant by the word spoken as if it were some object, but assumed it was the same as a goal to keep her motivated. “Then I won’t keep you here longer than you need to be.”

“Fun while it lasted, at least, but the next stop’s the one. For now… let’s make it last while we can.”

Noctis only nodded his head in agreement, staying put in his new seat next to Lightning. Both were unsure of how exactly to look at each other, at the very least positioning their bodies to be facing their seatmate in case their faces weren’t going to comply. Their hands were resting on the seats not too far from the other’s, Noctis’ wanting only to get close enough and hold Lightning’s for what seemed like the final time. His fingers, however, only got halfway to hers before flattening and only laying near it from a lack of boldness. She didn’t seem to notice either; too lost in wistful thought to notice how much her own love was beginning to hurt at the inevitable.

Cartanica’s arrival came too soon, something Noctis and Lightning both agreed on. The five initially traveling together all got off the train, all of them aware that this was the last time they’d all be a merry quintet. Lightning even looked prepared to depart, her outfit now her more casual open white blouse over a matching shirt tucked into brown capris pants with black open-toe, ankle-strapped low heels in place of her black “Heartstealer” outfit usually donned during her time in Eos. That in itself seemed to upset Noctis even more, taking it as the unforgiving nail sealing the goodbye coffin.

None of them looked particularly happy for this to happen, but they all understood Lightning’s decision to go back home. It was especially so in the fact that she wasn’t enlisted as permanent help, even with staying forever not going against her assigned mission. Everyone had a life to follow, and she knew where hers needed to be despite her tune changing from all that time ago when everything began. Her luggage was loosely gripped in her hands, its owner hesitant at carrying it and herself away from the new friends she’d made in the newer world.

“This appears to be farewell, doesn’t it?” Ignis sighed, no effort made to mask the melancholy in his voice. “I can’t say I’m surprised, but this journey’s gone by far quicker than I thought.”

“Seems like just yesterday, we were all picking you up for the ride,” Prompto brought up, a sad chuckle to match his mood. “Now, here we are…”

“Seein’ ya go for your last one,” Gladio finished for Prompto, arms folded and keeping his composure to mask his own missing of a new friend. “But, mission accomplished, either way.”

“I’ll certainly say,” Lightning agreed, keeping her head up high and showing her rare, mild smile at the boys. “What I can also say is that this last journey of mine’s been strangely worth it. Can’t think of any other way to retire.”

“Good to know we made your last hurrah the best one. You hang in there, got it, Sarge?”

Lightning gave a playful punch to Gladio’s arm, the group’s tallest member letting out just as playful a chuckle in response while also reminded at how strong the girl was by default. “It was an honor fighting with the King’s Shield. Hope to see you in the long run sometime, Gladio.”

“Heh. Don’t get yourself into too much trouble, ya pink menace. You’ve come way too far to get backtracked that easy.”

“I won’t let you down.” Lightning turned to Ignis, though not quite used to his visual scarring, still nonetheless showing a genuine fondness for him too. “I have to say, Ignis. I’m happy at least one other person in the group played the sensible one around here. I’m definitely gonna miss that.”

“T’was a pleasure working with the esteemed Lightning Farron,” Ignis told her, a gentle smile crossing his face while looking in her voice’s direction. “Truly, I’m thankful of all the help you’ve done, but at the same time, a valued, unexpected friend was gained in the process.”

“Likewise. I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone able to come up with that delicious of ‘recipes’ either.” In midst of imitating Ignis’ trademark pronunciation of his cooking methods, Lightning found herself drooling a little at the scrumptious food she’s partaken in during her time with him and the others. “Especially… such a perfect, juicy behemoth steak— err! Bottom line is, I’m gonna miss you too, Iggy.”

“Your compliments to the chef won’t go unappreciated. Do take care of yourself back home, Light.”

“I promise you’ve also got my word, Sir.” Then, Lightning turned her attention to Prompto, who looked on the verge of losing it as she gave him a kind smile to ease things up a little. “You know. I think I’m gonna miss you most of all, Prompto. You behave for our friends out here, alright?”

That did it. His efforts to smile for her were washed away by the pipes ultimately bursting, the photographer running and hugging Lightning tightly through his incoherently emotional blubbering. “I’m— oh, Pink, don’t go, I’m gonna miss you…!”

“Don’t cry now, Prompto. Who knows? There could be a chance I could find my way back to seeing you again.”

“I’m trying, but they just won’t stop…! You sure you can’t stay just a little longer?”

“Would if I could, but I’ve gotta go back to where I came from at some point.” Not unlike that of a mother consoling her bawling child, Lightning ran her fingers through Prompto’s chocobo-esque spiked locks to console him, the man simmering down into sniffles and hiccups after a little while. “Try to hang in there for me, Prom. I know you can.”

“Don’t… try not to forget me too much where you’re going.” Prompto coughed a bit from sobbing, using his forearm to clean his stained face as he at last flashed a tender smile to Lightning. “‘Cause any photog worth his salt wouldn’t dream of forgetting being around a face like yours.”

“Good thing you fit that bill right on the money, then. Think I’ll be keeping a few of your best shots for keepsake.” Lightning held up the photos Prompto had given her before and waggled them between her index and middle fingers before putting them back for safekeeping.

“Well, why stop there?” Prompto had his camera out already, gesturing for everyone to get together behind it while he held it in the selfie position. “One last group shot! Everybody get in!”

Prompto adjusted his camera once everyone was present and made the pose they desired, snapping the photograph expertly and saving it to his camera. He’d make sure to send the picture to Lightning as soon as humanly possible, but for now, everyone opted for looking at their final shot taken together. With Lightning herself, she said her last regards to the others so she could ensure she caught the next train back home. She noticed the whole time, Noct had been eerily quiet, but showed no signs of resent or defiance to name.

“Ya gonna say something or what?” Gladio demanded to know sternly from Noctis, earning a dirty look from the Lucian prince. “In case you haven’t noticed, Light’s leaving for home.”

“He might just need some time alone with her to say his goodbyes,” Ignis suggested a little less bluntly. “Is that correct, Noct?”

“Mmm-hmm. If that’s alright with you guys,” Noctis uttered, his heart aching the more reality started to sink into him.

“Take all the time you need,” Prompto told him comfortingly, putting a gentle hand on Noctis’ shoulder before going to lead Ignis in the same direction Gladio took off from.

Alright, now it was just him and her. They faced each other eye-to-eye, Noctis shyly stepping closer to Lightning and sealing a reasonable distance between them. All the sincerity bled right through his eyes, the same morose feeling in hers at what had to happen without any foreseeable way around it. It pained her heart just as much, but if there was something Lightning knew like the back of her hand, it was how nauseatingly different ease and duty tended to be.

It also seemed to include the difficulty in leaving behind her actual first love with no certain reason of returning to him again. Both of them had lives to live and get through, and the choice was tough, but no less for the better.

“This… is really it, huh?” Lightning sighed, frowning.

“Guess it is,” Noctis agreed, a hollow desolation evident in his dry voice. “And there’s no backing out of this, is there?”

“Afraid not. Staying here for too long is out of the question.”

“Well, wait. I wouldn’t go and say that.” Noctis’ cheeks burned a modest shade of red, scratching the back of his head to get out what he wanted to without sounding too foolish. “Like I said, I won’t keep you here any longer than you need. But— and though me and the others can handle things just fine, with Ignis’ eyesight having not come back yet… having another person around to still help us all out in the meantime wouldn’t hurt too much. You know?”

Lightning sunk her chin to her chest, her heart growing heavier with Noctis’ earnest pleas to get her to reconsider. There was pressure behind her teal eyes, but she wasn’t going to give into it. Not in front of him. “Temping as it is to stay longer, I know where I need to be now too. Besides, you just said it yourself; you four are capable of handling things without me, with or without Ignis being able to see.” She looked back up at him, her eyes shining and dewed. “Altissia’s over and done with, so— and so are we. That was the deal. Breaking my promise by keeping everyone else waiting because of my feelings would be completely unfair of me.”

“I—”

“My fight’s over, Noct. Now it’s time to let you four continue your own.”

Noctis could feel the rest of his heart breaking into hundreds of pieces at Lightning’s sincere, but very much honest words. The worst part was, she was completely right too. Making her stay behind and selfishly preventing her sister and friends from giving her the warm welcome home they were looking forward to? No. He loved her far too much to do something so awful. Forcing his brain against his heart, Noctis knew what conclusion he had to unfortunately come to.

“...I guess you’re right,” Noctis conceded, offering his hand and shaking it amicably when Lightning met him the remaining way after hesitating. “I’ll see you around, Lightning. Thanks for everything, and take good care of yourself.”

“Pleasure to be a part of the mission,” Lightning replied, releasing Noctis from the handshake and smiling sadly. “You be just as careful out here. I’ve got a feeling you’ll do just fine in the long run. And… as a king.”

“Heh. Here’s to hoping.” Noctis began walking his own way when something in him commanded him to stop, turning back to Lightning before she had the chance to leave just yet. “...Claire, hang on.”

“What is it?” Further use of her real name captured her attention, Lightning facing Noctis once again to see what else was to be said.

“Well, first, I wanna give this to you.” Noctis reached into his pocket and balled the item into his grasp, laying it down on Lightning’s bare palm and letting go. When she opened her hand, sky blue eyes widening to see a studded rose gold scallop shell brooch resting on it. “I got this back in Altissia, but never got enough courage to give it to you. You said Bodhum’s a seaside town, so I thought you’d like something a little closer to your old home.”

“...It’s lovely. Thanks.” Lightning closed her fingers around the brooch, storing it in one of her pockets to keep it intact. “Is that all?”

“No, now I just wanna say something else. You may not be needed here anymore, but…” A wistful smile crossed Noctis’ face, his eyes watering and fighting back letting the tears fall to darken the mood even more, “just know you’ll always be wanted here. With us.”

Lightning was breathless when he’d said that to her, the words a heavy contrast to how they’d have been in the past. Without saying anything, she took long steps forward to Noctis while looking more downwards as if hiding her eyes. Once close enough, she pulled the prince tightly into a heartfelt embrace, her forehead to his shoulder. Noctis’ hesitated for a second at the sudden action, simmering down and wrapping his arms around her just as lovingly.

She released the hug to rest her hands on both of his shoulders to look into those alluring night-blue eyes for one last time. The delicate smile from before never left her face, matching her personal heartbreak to a perfect tee. From behind, the train whistle blared to warn Lightning that her ride home was bound to leave very soon, separating her from Noctis to hurry and run to it and board. Any sort of luggage bag she’d been carrying was stowed away, the owner taking her seat and feeling the train move away from its resting spot in the Cartanica Station. Lightning took the brooch from her pocket, staring it down as her tears finally dripped from her eyes after she’d already traveled further past where Noctis was last.

‘Don’t let him see you cry, Claire,’ Lightning vowed internally, using her sleeve to clean the tears away and clasping her gift brooch protectively in her other grip.

Noctis didn’t at all bother watching the train leave his sight. Before it went too far, he turned his back on it and another beloved he’d never again get to see to walk towards where his remaining friends were. The broken heart beating heavily in his chest started to numb, the pain still existing but hardening in the form of a tiresome gloom. He saw Prompto, assuming Ignis and Gladio’s absence to be justified by the two waiting on them both.

“...You gonna be okay, dude?” Prompto asked, sympathetic.

“Dunno,” Noctis got out, hardly able to even look at his best friend.

“What are you thinking now?”

“I think…” Noctis looked behind him, the tracks now free of Lightning’s train as if it was never there in the first place. “...I just got dumped.”