#this movie was just so bad y'all

[frommybookbook]

#9: Marlowe (2022)

For my Marlowe Movie Master List, we're starting off with both the worst of the 9 adaptations and the most recent: the 2022 Marlowe, starring Liam Neeson and Diane Kruger and made for Amazon Prime.

I don’t have much to say about this movie because I couldn’t make it past the first 10 minutes. It’s not even an adaptation of a Raymond Chandler novel, it’s based on some 2014 novel that “features” Philip Marlowe and I’m going to assume it completely misses the point of hardboiled fiction. I'm tempted to say this doesn't make it a true Philip Marlowe movie, but if the James Bond movies after License to Kill count as canon for that fandom, then this does too.

Normally I love Liam Neeson and Diane Kruger so much that I’m willing to give them the benefit of the doubt in anything but this was just awful from the first scene. Neither one seemed to be making any effort—Neeson wasn’t even attempting to do an American accent (neither was Kruger but that may have been in character for her, I can’t say). Even the background shots playing behind the opening credits were a caricature of Golden Age Hollywood and the LA of the 30s. I have no intention of giving this one a second chance because there’s too many other good movies out there I haven’t seen.

Overall movie score: 0/5, I couldn’t get through the first scene

Marlowe score: 0/5, Neeson wasn’t even trying, for crying out loud he didn't even attempt to do an American accent

Perry Mason score: 0/5, unsurprisingly there weren't any Perry Mason actors of any sort involved with this film

For a reminder of why I started this series and how I'm rating these movies, you can check out my master Marlowe post. I'll be posting my reviews/rankings of the remaining 8 Marlowe movies using the tag #Marlowe movies so if you're interested, follow along!

[domi091]

TELL EVERYBODY I'M ON MY WAYYY!!

[primus-why]

I Feel TFOne Could've Handled This Better...

Hot take but I feel like folks have been really generous with the take that OP was unable to find ~the perfect words~ in the heat of the moment (and thus should be given some grace) when he told D to stand down and "not be like Sentinel"... namely cuz I don't feel that the narrative supports this?

Like-- after all is said and done, OP doesn't reflect on that part of their split. He doesn't have a moment where he seeks validation or voices his regrets over the choice of his words, it's actually cut-and-dry. The narrative (as it stands) supports that OP saw D-16 acting up, so he called him out and stood on business, down to the last scenes where he's basically like "yeah it's a shame but y'all knew I had to do it to 'em."

It didn't have to be much! I'm not saying to absolve Megs, just show OP looking at things from a different perspective/contemplating a bit on that tough choice and the morality of the moment. Some examples of what I wish we had:

B-127 straight up blurting the obvious by later chatting with Orion like, "Wait so you told your best friend that he was acting just as bad as the guy who enslaved us for our entire lives and was torturing him like an hour ago? Oof. Seems kinda harsh." Then have some of OP's regret show on his face.

OP asking Elita-1 after Megs is banished if he did the right thing. Have Elita back his choice up, saying, "You should have seen what he did after you were... gone. It was terrifying. I know it was tough, but you made the right call." OP is grateful for the support, but a conflicted look still flashes across his face before he steels himself to look out towards the horizon... and the future.

Have OP walk past other mechs/former miners who didn't go with the High Guard saying stuff like, "Wish I could've given Sentinel a piece of my mind!" "Yeah, but I'm glad he's gone for good." "Ugh I miss everything." "Oh, it was crazy! Megatron picked him up and then he rrrrriiipped-- oops, hey there, Mr. Optimus... Prime... sir?" And have OP wave hello, looking a bit sick when they leave.

Post-credits scene with Starscream going on and on, asking Megs when they'll be back to teach the upstart Prime a lesson. Megs grabs his face to shut him up. "Patience, Starscream. The Prime thinks I'm no better than Sentinel... but I'll show him. He wants Iacon? He can have it. In the meantime we'll take the rest of the planet! Then I'll come back, crush Prime under my heel, and we'll take Iacon too. Sentinel's reign will barely be a footnote, because I'm about to become Optimus Prime's worst nightmare." The vocal performance would really need to sell this-- like picture Megs saying something like that from a place of anger and hurt, not so much a place of genuine evil or malice.

Basically instead of Orion's assertion being backed up as black and white/good vs bad, I wish we had some different opinions/reactions from the characters sprinkled in there. Like you can't tell me out of allllll the miners who weren't strong enough/willing to go with the High Guard and ended up sticking around that NONE of them were like "eyyo honestly?? Kiiiiinda glad Sentinel is dead. Wish I could have helped, tbh." like come onnnnn...

And you can't even argue that he's not an active threat-- I don't think everyone would see things that way! It's not just about the threat he physically has, but the threat he represents and is very likely to act upon if given the opportunity! He has a proven track record of not only being sneaky and conniving, but also capable of dealing some serious damage/killing people bigger and stronger than him, plus he has the backing of the Quints. All he'd need to do is wriggle his way out of jail and run off to his sponsors, then he'd probably be back to hurt more people! (If the Quints didn't just kill him out of incompetence lmao). There's a lot of "ifs" here, but I think it's a valid argument that not everyone would agree on what is the right or wrong way to handle Sentinel once he was down long enough to, like, do something about him.

I feel the situation needed a bit of nuance. In some way I wish they had kicked the can and had D and Orion bicker while Sentinel escaped, then have D get frustrated enough by the loss of Sentinel to point fingers (and his fusion canon) at Orion, who then falls and becomes OP. (Megs could still show some of thar emotion/remorse right after he does it too.) Not only would this open the door for a sequel, but tbh the Quint might have just killed Sentinel anyways and sought to deal with the miners uprising themselves lol. (Maybe that could have been an after credits scenes too instead of the B-127 bit??)

Would love to see a moment in a sequel where they have a calmer moment after arguing for a bit. Have OP mention how Megs was out of line, that it hurt and even scared him to see him act that way, and Megs can quietly point out "you said I was as bad as Sentinel... is that really how you see me? After everything we went through?"

Then OP can fumble the bag again lmao like "D, I... I'm sorry, that didn't come out right... but you still took things way too far..."

"Why am I not surprised-- your opinion is what matters the most! Maybe that's why you became a Prime, since you're so good at acting like the world revolves around you--!"

*gets interrupted by someone else before another yelling match ensues*

[ssaalexblake]

feel like knowing the difference between a show/movie that has been made for adult consumption but has been totally defanged and sanitised by removing all blood and colourful language to keep the rating down so it can have a wider and younger audience, and a piece of media that was Always made to be consumed by children/young adults and is therefore deliberately made to predominantly work for those age groups, is an important skill for media analysis that many in fandom lack.

[catniponline]

Unfortunately I am not gifted with the gift of creative writing, but I desperately want more fanfiction of Lisa and the creature. Like I know it only came out Friday but like imagine fanfiction of just them hanging out in her room between the action of the movie.

[lususnatura]

RANDOM HEADCANON GENERATOR.

blamore can beat you up and will.

it listens to 80s music.

blamore is an extrovert.

if someone they knew committed a crime, they would cover for them.

blamore watched the sonic movie.

they like board games, but no one else wants to play with them.

blamore is not allowed to drink energy drinks.

they desperately need a hug but don't know it and refuse to ask for one.

blamore is the gay cousin.

it bullies kids on roblox.

tagged by: @babydxhl!

tagging: @peranarkia, @byanyan, @divingdownthehole, @the-arkham-librarian, and anyone else who'd like to participate in this!

[forgotn1]

I usually really look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas, as it means my family getting together for big holiday meals. But this year feels different. Everyone's got their own families now and aren't getting together like they used to. My mom will likely be with her fiance, my nephew, and their friends. My sister will be with her husband, daughters, and in-laws. I don't feel like I have a place this year.

[the-halfling-prince]

My brain: You do not need to write a fanfiction for niche 1999 (probably straight to VHS or made for TV) movie The Pact. It was a mid movie. You said it was mid.

Me: If those sad orphans don't kiss right now I don't know what I'll do

[skreekies]

The phenomenon of people criticizing and bashing movies that have yet to release in full perplexed me even when I was a child and it still does today. What are you guys doing

[nobodybetterlookatme]

I've never heard of emts working only at events? What's that like for you if you don't mind my asking?

Yeah, there are ambulance companies that staff certain events, but there's some event specific companies out there lmao. For me specifically, it's almost entirely college events, whether it's happening on a campus or not. It's not great, usually pretty boring, but it's better than being on an ambulance or in a hospital. We do get actual emergencies sometimes, but usually it's just getting drunk people to the tent or giving out water and bandaids lmao. Again, boring as fuck, but I chose this over working on a 911 rig, so that's on me 😔 if I'm being so real tho, other than my coworkers, the best part of the job is the food lmaoooo it's so good and all the food trucks/food booths give discounts or free food to us depending on the location and event. And there's almost always a ton of downtime, so I basically just get paid to sit there and vibe for the most part

[clownleys]

What was the film that you saw at a midnight screening? I'd love to go an event like that!

it was some b-movie screening at my local theatre! ✨

they host events like that every other month and i adore the atmosphere there!! everyone is blatantly cracking their sodas open the second opening credits roll, the audience is bursting with laughter one dialogue line at the time and the last time i was there a cute girl offered me a package of wasabi-coated peanuts (she's just discovered she hates them). we established common ground over that

i think this particular one was birdemic 2? which might paint you the picture better than i did!

[chilewithcarnage]

in the same vein as the previously reblogged post, i saw this post this morning by a white lesbian complaining about how, like, people that stan eeao focus on ke huy quan's character too much and his relationship with his wife, when the main focus of the movie is supposed to be the mother-daughter relationship and a young woman coming to accept her sexuality. and it's like, okay...you know two things can be true at once and can exist simultaneously. like thats the point of the movie; its about everything. and personally speaking, the many praises and meta ive seen on here (by at least mutuals and people i follow) the conversation about these things has never felt unbalanced.

[ijustreallylikecaptainamericaok]

Ah, I see we're apparently moving from the "the Infinity Saga was totally perfect, amazing, and untouchable while the Multiverse Saga is nothing but trash" rewriting of history narrative to "maybe the MCU was just always bad." Goodie.

I'm so tired.

[idiosyncraticrednebula]

I clicked on a video essay about Snow White and off the rip, the guy called Snow White a "passive domestic weirdo with no personality" and quickly figured out he is one of THOSE critics. He also got one about Ariel and you bet your ass he is one of these "gave up her voice for a man", "The Little Mermaid is misogynistic" dipshits. I have yet to watch the video, but I know for a fact he is one of those guys. His videos reek of that smartass, sanctimonious, leftist bullshit just by reading the titles and looking at the thumbnails. This guy also has a video defending Twilight. You can't make this damn shit up.

[writtentragedies]

sabrina and i, for some reason, decided to torture ourselves by watching the RE live actions lmao

[saphirus]

Madame Web may be a ridiculous movie but it has one thing all the past mcu movies don't: good cinematography.