#this may be the worst thing youve ever asked me to do and i have done

[hecksupremechips]

re: udg reblog,

clearly the solution to “oh i love this but i don’t think anyone should play it” is to write a fic with only the good parts and none of the bad parts but then you have this big empty space where the bad parts were so you just make something up that seems vaguely believable

that seems like a normal thing normal people do right?

RIGHT?

It’s always correct and totally won’t ever lead to agony as you look at the canon and scream because my god how are you supposed to salvage something this stupid why are you doing this you used to be so normal and not care oh god why does attacking the little girl make her pants fly off oh god why is delta a character

[effervescentdragon]

Would you be so kind as to share your top 12 most attractive rat men?

Asking as a completely anonymous person and for no nefarious reasons 🤭

hello anonymous person whomst i dont know 🤨 here is my top 12 attractive rat men because i have 0 taste in men, as will shortly become obvious.

The Man Who Started It All

i had a fuckin mental breakdown over my realisation that 12yo me saw this fucking rat beloved face and then stuck to this model with certain variations during my whole life, including the 15 years in which i have forgotten his existence. fuck this brain.

the rest of them are just gonna be put in pictures, i think i can only post 10 pics

and i guess jenson button and steve nash when he played for phoenix suns nobody even look at me and i guess jonny lee miller and rio ferdinand also qualify and if you squint also tom hiddleston and andre lotterer

[maukiki1-but-cringefail]

YGESSSSS. NEW BSB ENJOYER FOUND. who is your favorite character if i may ask... i have like atleast 5 but kai is at the top i think. sometimes i think about this image and i'm like "my god what the fuck even is that". one of the guys of all time

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT” LMFAOOO no because thats exactly what my friend said when they saw yuriy KEDBJSBSGWJW. What is. Wrong with his eyebrows....looking like a creature…a bug with antannae perhaps….

BUT MY FAVORITE IS MAX‼️‼️‼️hes been my fav ever since i started watching it love him… my second favorite is kai probably though LOL. I can tell hes one of those fan favorite characters right🤔usually characters like him are… not a bad thing just an observation lol. Metal fight beyblade was the beyblade show i had known my entire life and was a big fan of so i wanted to see the other beyblade shows with it and for some reason i watched beyblade burst before bakuten shoot ????? Yeah that 7 season show i only liked the very first season of… the rest was so boring and for some reason i forced myself to watch it by using it as background noise😭

idk why i didnt give up and watch bakuten instead, took me too long lmfao. Th reason why i mentioned metal fight is that since i knew that show my entire life i had certain expectations on certain type of characters (ik bakuten came first but metal couldve been influenced by it and it was bcs there are similarities lol) (i mean king [from bakuten] looks almost identical to dynamis [from mfb] <- thats just one example) so i thought, while i was watching season 1, Kai Hiwatari was gonna be like Kyouya Tategami where hes with the team yes but doesnt see himself as a part of it and is there for himself only bcs hes a loner or whatever but then that thing at the end of the season happened he became a part of the team and the didnt have random unnecessary off screen character regression like kyouya did in the next 2 seasons (and also isnt an asshole abt it like when he left temporarily to battle takao in g revulotion he wasnt like “fuck you dumbass” like kyouya did basically 😭😭)….

That was so refreshing to see bcs thats not what i was expecting and thank god it exceeded my expectations 😭 thats why i keep saying kai is kyouya done right bcs he kinda is…. Though i find it funny when hes just standing in the background w his arms crossed or laying on the grass like damn bro wants to be cool so bad (not as cool as the frame of rei kon absolutely BALLING)

Said max is my favorite and talked about kai the entire time LOL no but he’s my fav i love that guy EXCEPT. the fact that. He likes mayonnaise… idgaf if its ur style mayonnaise is disgusting im disappointed in you max…..

I also like Yuriy who also seems to be a fan favorite from what ive seen which i expected but i like him in a way like, hes so funny to me. Bro walkin around with bug antannae and the worst posture youve ever seen. Why is he built like that. Fucking thing. Also big fan of the weird ass sht he does in g revulotion when doing special moves hes got CLAWS hell yeah. No bcs no one elses looks like dat when they do it⬇️ as a certified creature fan i can proudly confirm this, indeed, is one of the creature moments of all time.

⬆️i remember seeing this frame before watching the show and thinking what could possibly be the context behind this LMFAO . Shoutout to Rei kon for also being a creature big fan of the pointy ears and slit orange eyes (v force when i catch you v force)

I dont know peoples opinions of daichi but he seems like the type of character ppl might hate for being annoying but i like him bcs he reminds me of me and my brother when we were little (im the younger sibling) bcs every interaction between takao and daichi reminded me of us LMFAO 10/10 sibling dynamic (better than takaos actual brotha😬)

N lemme see if i have any kai screenies i took cauze i took a sht tonna screenshots

I was gonna capriin thwm but idk how to write inbetween them so im typing them here

First pic - already has a caption

Second pic - ths shit makes me laugh everytime im so glad people are not hesitant to resort to violence in this saga

Third pic - V force jumpscare

Fourth pic - what is he listening to . Do you guys think Kai Hiwatari would like Yuno Miles

Fifth pic - one…..one piece…..

Sixth pic - they forgot to colour teh pack of his hair lol

Seventh pic - no need for a caption. What is that

Last pic - he. Smirks like an animal. Idk how to explain it but, he smiles like how an animal or an ailen trying to do it for the first time would do it

I will read the manga soon i have physical copies of the first 4 volumes and ill find the rest on the net bcs bakuten media is so much easier to find that mfb is THANK GOD. I will also be looking up shitty 13 yr old amv s and yall better have sum real 2011 sht

[actualbird]

Hi zak! I've been a longtime reader of your original works. Do you have any tips on what pieces to put in your writing folio?

hi anon !!! im very sorry it took me forever to get back to this ask, and doubly sorry if you are no longer in need of tips OTL. still, thank u for reading my original works, thats a pleasant surprise to know!! i havent posted my original writing website here in......a long while, since im the (very slow) process revamping the site HAHA,

but yeah, tips on what put in a writing portfolio!! if ever you still need em or if ever anybody out there can make use of this. all of these based completely on my personal experience of applying to writing workshops and writing jobs, so feel free to take what you think applies to you/would help you, and leave the rest behind

-

1 ) in general, put your Best Works. but take into consideration that You are usually your own worst critic, so you definitely could benefit from a second opinion (or many)

so, obviously, you wanna be putting in your best stuff. and thats still the general method that i'd choose, but with the added reminder that a lot of the time, writers can be blind to certain works that they themselves made that other people really liked or found immensely compelling.

this for lots of reasons: writerly self-esteem problems, that odd experience of mostly remembering the arduous Process of writing the thing and less the actual finished product, general blindness to stuff in your own work since you Wrote That (and probably revised it 76439754985 times) so it's just hard now for you to realize the level of skill thats apparent to many others

the opposite effect is also very possible, where you can be Incredibly attached to a work (maybe for sentimental reasons, maybe because the you learned a lot along the way, etc) but other people kinda found the whole work meh.

bottom line: by this point, you know youve got skill in writing. but the skill OF seeing and evaluating your own skill is a whole different animal

reach out to your friends, writing peers, or reading peers and ask them what they think some of your best works are. personally, i think it's good both to ask people who are Also in the practice/study/career of writing, and people who arent, simply because a more diverse set of information is always better than a lesser diverse one. if you want, you can ask follow up questions like "why?", or you can just stick to getting a general pulse check of what is resonating to the people who read your work. because [tv commercial voice] The Answer May Surprise You!

and once you know what resonates with others, you can start chopping down the list with armed with that new knowledge

-

2 ) "Best" should not be a catch-all term, cut it up into specific categories and showcase your Best in top categories you want to focus on. this way, you get a folio that's showing a wide range of your capabilities

if i were picking between two applicants, both of which submitted portfolios of their Best fiction works (and theyre both Very good), i would ultimately choose the applicant who gave a portfolio that showed a wider range of what Bests theyre capable of rather than the applicant who submitted 5 really great stories but they all still employed the same techniques/concepts/themes

......if that makes sense?

like, okay, let's assume the portfolio is a fiction portfolio. no specific lit genre limitations or whatever, just, fiction in general.

"fiction in general" is a ridiculously huge field! theres the genres of course, so many damn genres. but what im more focused on is Technique. there are so many ways to structure your plot and pacing, there are so many ways to create your cadence and tone, there are so many kinds of characters and so many ways you can make them clash, so many dang ways to make your story's themes come to light. theres a Lot

so take a portfolio as a chance to show the widest possible range of what you can do, and what you can do Well

let's say you did Tip 1 and coming from that, youve got a list of 15 stories you think would be good for a portfolio. your next step then is to identify which stories are doing the same Thing (whether that be in its genre, structure, themes, etc) and then decide which of those stories showcases your ability to Do that Thing best.

if ive got 3 different stories that are all magical realism pieces using a very subdued tone to communicate the plot's conflict and emotion, then im gonna need to pick just one to put in my folio, the one that did it Best. and then you can go back to Tip 1 and get a second opinion on that if you want, and THEN i repeat with the other stories, this time picking a different Thing-Technique-Structure-Theme-Etc to focus on

basically my point is that a portfolio, ideally, should show different Kinds of Bests. because that is much much more appealing than only seeing One kind of Best

-

3 ) you can make as many portfolios as you want, tailor-made specifically for what youre using that portfolio for

this is something i learned after college and when i was applying for various writing jobs. for context, i dual wielded fiction and nonfiction in college. though my degree ultimately/officially went into the nonfiction track, i still wrote a whole lotta original fiction, and when i was applying for jobs, my personal list of Bests included a lot of fiction pieces, as well as nonfiction pieces

but i was applying to all different kinds of jobs, and it would be slightly off-course to submit a fiction piece to a job like Feature Writer For Magazine. additionally, it would be slightly off-course to submit a nonfiction piece to a job like Romance Game Writer

(.....both of those real jobs i applied for and man, sidenote, can you believe i almost became a romance game writer? like, how ironic that is now that im into the fandom i am Currently into. guys. guys i got to the second interview stage of that job. Guys. jdhvfhvfkshd)

anyway, remember how Tip 2 is about showing off a diverse array of what youre capable of? well, dont get Too diverse. always remember the people/organization/etc that you will be submitting this portfolio to, and keep in mind what They are looking for

if youre applying for a sci-fi fiction workshop, submit your Best pieces that do different techniques or things BUT are still within the parameters sci-fi fiction, so they are relevant. if youre applying for a feature writing job, maybe fiction might work, but read the works that the magazine puts out, maybe. get a feel for their style, what they like. like idk , if theyre super into that Anthony Bourdain-esque kinda description of gritty details, then maybe a fiction piece that shows off that kind of descriptive skill can still be relevant.

make a new portfolio whenever the need arises to best adapt to whatever it is youre gunning for

-

in summary :

tip 1: Best works but cast a wider net and ask other people because us writers can get tunnel vision sometimes

tip 2: whittle down your list to show different kinds of Bests that you can do, avoid redundancy

tip 3: keep your Bests relevant to whatever the task at hand may be

well....thats all i can think of. i hope some part of this can be helpful to anybody out there. hope youre doing well, anon :")

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

Hello! From this list for J/B.

What is the first thing they notice about a stranger?

Who would they quote?

What could make them change their mind?

What are their guilty pleasures?

What is something they're staunchly against?

If they ever cry over a song,

What is a song that will always make them cry?

(I think I may have been worse than you lol)

im actually gonna get around to answering all the asks i have sitting around woo

What is the first thing they notice about a stranger?

okay so this one was hard but honestly, for both of them, i think its queerness. ive realized that i do this and it absolutely fits them too. like if there are indicators that any stranger is queer they will instantly like them a little more than anyone else in the room. besides that though asdfghjk if any stranger has cool fashion, whether that be jewelry, a shirt, etc. theyll usually take note of that just bc its something theyre interested in

Who would they quote?

neither of them are really big on the shitty inspirational quotes, so realistically in the day-to-day itd be random tv show characters, lyrics, or comedians. and for bryce he also adds in random tiktoks that stick in his head. for jensen i assume he, like me, quotes john mulaney at least a few times a week, usually w "thats the same joke twice" and various other things (ik hes controversial but that man has cured multiple depressive episodes for me so i gotta take it where i can get it). for bryce i absolutely think he does the crazy? i was crazy once bit whenever the opportunity presents itself.

What could make them change their mind?

pftt each other? but anyway lol jensen is a facts and evidence person. he doesnt do as well when emotions are in the mix, and if theres undeniable, untampered evidence, that would change his mind pretty easily. though, there are people he has soft spots for. bryce, of course, but also people like liyah and his mom (especially his mom). hed be willing to throw evidence and facts to the wayside for them if he really needed to (again, his mom)

bryce is a little harder to convince. hes not stubborn, at least not as stubborn as jensen, but he would rather stick by the sides of people he knows and cares about than look at the facts (if they go against them). convincing him to change his mind is definitely the way to go, but it has to be from someone he trusts without a doubt

What are their guilty pleasures?

oh this one is hard. i think jensen is a really bad doom scroller. it tends to start with him looking into news or something hes interested in for a quick second, but it very quickly turns into an hour or more of just the worst shit imaginable, and a lot of the time its shit that can and/or will trigger his ocd

and bryce watches bluey. thats it.

What is something they're staunchly against?

okay i could say the obvious "dont be a pos person" shit but we all know that so heres some fun ones

jensens is wearing outside shoes in the house. if you wear outside shoes in his house you WILL be cleaning it up. he thinks its gross and rude and if he convinces himself youve brought in a disease that will kill him then thats totally unrelated to his ocd. he is happy to provide socks or youre more than welcome to leave a pair of inside shoes there, but dont wear your outside shoes into his house

bryce has a deep-seated dislike for anything that comes in the color yellow. he does not own one thing with yellow on it. he doesnt know why either, but if its in yellow, its almost a guarantee that will not like it

What is a song that will always make them cry?

jensen doesnt have any, and bryce doesnt have one song that will Always make him cry. but, if hes in the mood, he will be sobbing to literally everything. some that come to mind would be oh noel by idkhow :), my love mine all mine by mitski, and news at 9 by peter mcpoland

[glitchydyke]

hi hello mj!! if you may, please tell me about *glances at smudged writing on hand* adam faulkner-stanheight your special guy adam faulkner-stanheight!

he has Intrigued me..... i wish to study him under a microscope

DUSKIE. GRIPS YOU. DUSKIE DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOUVE JUST ASKED ME. DO YOU.

spoilers for saw ahead ofc

CHRIST OKAY SO ADAM IS. FUCKING EVERYTHING TO ME.

the plot of the first saw movie is that two guys, adam and lawrence, wake up chained to pipes on opposite ends of a decrepit bathroom, with no way to unlock themselves. they find tapes that tell them they’re part of a game; there’s a clock on the wall, and there are rules to follow. lawrence has to kill adam by six, or his wife and daughter will be killed. and adam? adam just has to survive.

BUT. SOME BACKSTORY

so adam is this guy who kind of fucking hates his life. he lives in a shitty apartment, he doesn’t talk to his family, his friends suck, he doesn’t have a steady job. he never finished high school, his dad is a piece of shit, he doesn’t have anything except himself. but he’s alive. he’s surviving. it’s whatever. and then one day he’s approached by a mysterious man and offered money to stalk someone. and he knows it’s wrong, but he needs to eat, to pay rent, to live, so he accepts.

and he starts to stalk doctor lawrence gordon, a surgeon who’s… kind of a dick. he doesn’t seem to care about anything, he ignores his wife and daughter, he’s a little too close with one of his medical students, and adam is disgusted and fascinated by him all at once.

he goes home. fights for his life against an attack he doesn’t see coming. passes out.

and wakes up underwater.

this is where we first see adam, gasping for breath as he sits up in a grimy bathtub, accidentally pulling the plug and losing his life down the drain. it’s dark and he’s cold and wet and he doesn’t know where he is or how he got there and he’s scared. and then there’s a voice in the darkness, the lights flicker on, and lawrence is staring back at him in confusion, and there’s a dead body in the middle of the floor.

they don’t trust each other at first. adam finds lawrence stuck up, and lawrence finds adam childish. but when you’re chained to a pipe with only one other person in your world, you tend to start talking to them. so when they realise they can’t just pull the chains apart, they get to talking. lawrence talks about his family. adam talks about his lack thereof. they bond. and they start to make progress - they find tapes explaining the game, and a phone hidden in the wall, which every so often rings with a message from lawrence’s captured family.

still, even with his family in danger, lawrence doesn’t kill adam. and the reason for this is because adam is good. he’s scrappy and obnoxious and more than a little arrogant, but he’s so fucking overwhelmingly good at heart. he’s kind and passionate and funny and god, he’s just been dealt the worst fucking cards. there’s so much inside of him. so much joy and energy and excitement and adventure that he’s never gotten to live.

eventually, the clock hits six. adam is alive. lawrence panics. and on a kick of adrenaline, he cuts his own foot off, crawls across the room, and shoots adam in the chest. but it’s not enough. the clock already hit six, lawrence failed his game, so someone comes to kill him and he’s staring into the face death and then adam saves him. the man he just shot saves him, still bleeding and sobbing and screaming, adam kills lawrence’s attacker and doesn’t stop until lawrence grabs him, pulling him down and cradling his face and holding him more softly than he’s ever been held before. they’re both broken and bleeding, and they clutch each other like lifelines. and then lawrence leaves. he turns around, crawls away with a shaky promise of bringing someone back, and adam is alone. he looks for a key. he doesn’t find one.

then the body in the middle of the room moves. the one thing that’s been constant in this game, the one thing adam thought he understood, suddenly shifts and changes. the blood is pulled away like a mask, and adam is told the key to his chain was in the bath with him all along, gone down the drain before he even knew where he was or what was happening. he lost his chance at survival before he even knew he was dying. he lost the final piece of the puzzle he didn’t even know he was solving.

and the movie ends with the lights going out and the bathroom door being locked, adam still chained to the pipe, screaming to be let go. screaming for help. screaming for safety.

days later, he’s killed. a plastic bag is pulled over his head as a mercy killing, and despite everything, despite the exhaustion and the fear and the trauma, he fights it, because he wants to fucking live. he always wanted to live. but he’s not strong enough, and he chokes and drowns in his own blood, and finally dies on the grimy bathroom floor as his killer cries their apologies.

ALRIGHT PLOT OVER. NOW MY EMOTIONS

christ, he’s… he’s such a fucking tragic character. do you understand me. he was never even a player in his game, he was only ever a pawn for lawrence’s development. adam was doomed from the second he woke up. he was never going to win. he was never going to be saved. he survived, he lived past six, he did what he was told he had to do, and he was left for dead because lawrence was the main character all along. but god, he was so young. he had so fucking much left to do. he had a passion for photography, for art. there was so much hope for him. he could have travelled, shared his work, created a life for himself, he could have been anything he wanted if he had just been given a chance. but he was pulled into this twisted world of torture and games and used to fix somebody else and then left for dead once he had done his job. he was forced to play a game that was never his to win. adam faulkner-stanheight never had anything and yet he lost everything anyway. how do you lose a life you never had? how do you lose a love you’ve never known? how do you hate your life and yet want to live it so fucking badly? how do you fight for survival despite knowing you have nothing to survive for? what do you do when the only person in your world is crawling away from you, and all you can do is cry out to him, “lawrence, we’ll be okay?” and he whispers back “i wouldn’t lie to you.” and yet three days later you’re sat there, cold and alone and without his touch, with your own blood drying on your hands. do you still believe him? do the words “i have to go get help. i’ll bring someone back. i promise.” echo in your head? do you still have something to hope for? do you still want to live?

years later, lawrence fulfils his promise. he brings someone back. it doesn’t help. but it’s a sick answer to adam’s screaming, isn’t it. a fucked up response to his cries. i’ll bring someone back. i promise. and then that promise was kept, for all the good it does. for everything it fails to save. lawrence comes back and adam never knows it. adam is finally loved, and he never fucking knows it.

(addition, if you want to understand adam and me and my insanity over him, these fucking lines from the original script are. literally everything to me. his familial issues, his academic issues… he’s exactly like me to a disturbing degree, and it drives me insane)

[crazylil-lion]

I see a majority of the posts about bpd aren't for the people who have bpd. They are an extremely toxic post of someone mad at an ex.

They demonize us while pushing all the blame on the disorder.

I start crying asking why they are going to leave me.

They start getting mad and screaming at me. Why do you always do this. Why do you always try to fight.

Then I blow up because all I was asking is if they were going to leave me. To be invalidated.

To have my emotions ignored.

Im fucking sorry I split.

I'm fucking sorry my emotions are a fucking Rollercoaster and idk what I'll feel next. I just know how you treat me makes the entire difference. Regardless if I want it or not.

You think I want to be so impulsive in an episode I say the worst possible thing to cut deep because they hurt me. Fuck sometimes I don't even realize it bc after you invalidate my feelings enough I start to get defensive and say some awful hurtful things back.

Bc if you invalidate me, it's pouring gas on the fire.

Or get so impulsive I self harm, or spend a crazy amount. Or do somethinh stupid dangerous.

Or leave people before they leave us.

Or start to pull away and get distant almost as a test to see if you realize and try to pull us in.

I promise we don't want to feel these things.

We don't want our mood to depend on the tone of voice you use. If you are making eye contact. If you sighed too long. If you seemed bored.

I don't want that to decide if I'm worthy of your love.

BUT THIS IS HOW MY MIND WORKS.

Those emotions aren't me trying to manipulate you or gaslight you.

My emotions are my emotions

If I tell you hey this thing upset me. You may not understand why it upset me.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MAKE MY FEELING NOT EXIST. that doesn't mean its fake.

I don't want to feel abandoned by the slightest thing. But I do. Because I feel emotions so strong. Its all I feel. So I'm sorry that to you it doesn't make sense why I'm so upset by being left on read because you forgot to respond.

To me its what I feel even if I logically know. Hey this person is busy. I still need the reassurance.

I'm sorry my symptoms aren't just magical all better.

You will have to be around my episodes. You will have to try to understand and HEAR me.

I'm sorry some of the symptoms from bpd may be hard to deal with.

But 2 things.

First. That doesn't give the shitty people an excuse to manipulate people with bpd because its very easy to do so.

It doesn't mean you can blame all of the issues on your partner because they have bpd.

If someone shares a trigger with you and you then use that trigger as a weapon. You are the shit person. Its not all my fault if you continue to twist the knife after I begged you to take it out. Its not my fault when I blow up after you continue to press on the wound I told you to avoid.

I think people don't try to understand our perspective because they don't know what its like to have an emotional response to something you logically know you shouldn't.

When they don't know how strong the emotion is. And how it feels like it takes over and its all you know. All youve ever felt. All that is.

Its exhausting, and if we could, I promise we would "just get over it" like you wish we would.

[wangxianficrecs]

Follower Recs

Stories I haven’t read yet, but clearly need to put on my ever-expanding List.

~*~

Welcome back queen [Thank you, it’s so lovely to be back!] if ur still doing follower recs I gotta recommend I would wait for a thousand years by bleuett it’s soooooooo good

[This one was actually recced to me by two different people, the other of whom said, “ Maybe I'm crying a little so I feel like a should recommend ‘I would wait for a thousand years’ by bleuett on ao3.”]... it’s def. on my List!

I would wait for a thousand years

by bleuett (T, 10k, wangxian)

Summary:  During the worst of winter, a traveler comes to stay at Lan Wangji's inn. He wears a red ribbon in his hair.

“Do you see the rabbit?” Wei Ying asks and points at the moon. “That’s the moon rabbit, he helps make Chang’e more immortality elixir. He keeps Chang’e company.”

“I do not wish the rabbit for company,” Lan Wangji says tightly. “You are the one I want by my side.”

“And I’m here, Lan Zhan. If you go to the moon, I’ll follow you, I’ll always be here now.”

~*~

I just read a great fic by aisthuu "every love story is a ghost story", didn't see it in your recs so wanted to recommend it! LWJ is a guqin composer and teacher, buys a cheap guqin off eBay which ends up being attached to WWX's spirit from canon era. It's bittersweet, LWJ deals with Lan's homophobia (implicit in a Lan way) and his feelings towards the ghost. This is author's only ao3 fic and honestly I don't remember how I stumbled upon it, but I'm happy I did and hope you will enjoy it too!  [I’ve recently read this one, and loved it!]

every love story is a ghost story

by aisthuu (M, 59k, wangxian, my bookmark)

Summary:  The man is in Lan Zhan’s bed. Did they—he begins to wonder, eyes trailing to where the man’s body lies under the blanket. Had Lan Zhan—?

Then the sleep-fog clears and Lan Zhan realizes that the young man isn’t quite opaque around the edges.

“You’re a spirit.”

The spirit narrows its eyes. “I’m so much more than that.”

(Lan Zhan buys a guqin off eBay for a suspiciously low price, only to find that it’s haunted. And now there’s a ghost in his bed.)

~*~

Ok so I absolutely have to rec "see you yesterday" by glyphic. It's a wip, but it's currently at 101k so there's a whole lot there, and it's terrible and wonderful and beautiful all at once. The way the backstory of canon events is adapted to the modern-with-cultivation setting is brilliant, and then there's the amnesia, and then there's the time loop. This fic lives permanently rent-free in my brain.

see you yesterday

by glyphic (M, 101k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  

Wei Ying 21:09 hey lan zhan what’s the weirdest way youve died

Lan Zhan 21:11 Falling encyclopedias.

Wei Ying 21:12 omg no way that’s so rude turning books against you???

Lan Zhan 21:13 A betrayal I will never forget.

On Halloween night, an exiled demonic cultivator and a Lan disciple get stuck in a time-loop, find each other, and try to figure it all out.

~*~

If you are looking for recs for yourself I absolutely love (the complete!) story Just as the Snow Melts by draechali on AO3. It's a canon divergence where everyone lives, even WWX! ~ @airmidcelt

Just as the Snow Melts

by draechaeli (T, 67k, wangxian)

Summary:  Like a snowy mountain top in spring the residents of the Burial Mounds trickled down the mountain and joined the flow of society.

“I went to the Burial Mounds,” Lan WangJi said.

“Ah, yeah… I’m sorry Lan Zhan,” replied Wei WuXian, “I hadn’t thought anyone would come to visit. I am still not sure how it happened; I brought A-Yuan to Yiling to play by the river and then ended up somehow teaching a bunch of children swimming and writing along with him.”

~*~

Hello! It's come to my attention that you have not as yet read Grandmaster of Meme-onic Cultivation! Please do! It's the only thing that gave me joy during 2020 😆 like proper belly laughs and disney villain style cackling. It is a wip, and it is long but so so worth it!! The author has reworked the entire canon through these message crystals and still conveys complex characters despite the tricky format. It's just so good!! Highly highly recommend it! ❤ ~ @theladypeartree  [Oh!  I’ve been subscribed to this one, and know that @swaglexander-the-great is a reliable provider of Hilarity, so I’m excited for it to be finished!]

Grandmaster of Meme-onic Cultivation 

by Hades_the_Blingking (T, 49k, wangxian, WIP)

Summary:  The Untamed universe is exactly the same, except everybody has magical crystals that have a suspiciously familiar messaging system. The story is pretty much the same as the show, except everyone lives!! (so minor changes).

or in which Wei WuXian tries his darndest to date Lan Zhan, Jiang Cheng possibly has a aneurysm, Jin ZiXuan is still the most awkward human alive, and Xue Yang makes me write some VERY cursed things. Written in chatfic format! :3

~*~

Chomrafy on AO3 deserves love and encouragement; she’s written a body of compact, poetic, and eloquent shortfics each of which can stand alone, but that comprise an intricately cross-referential and mostly internally-consistent universe. They’re grouped as chapters in works according to theme; for example, “in cupped hands” focuses upon Jin Ling and his second-generation baggage; “Departure in Autumn” portrays the last years of WWX’s first life. Follow the tag “Chomrafy’s MDZS shortfics.” [I don’t see this tag?]

in cupped hands

by chomrafy (G, 2k, wangxian)

Summary:  Of secrets, of futures, of love. A Jin Ling-centric collection of 200-word fics.

Ch.1: Jin Ling repays a debt (JL, JC, & WWX). Ch.2: Jin Ling and a ghost in the mirror. (JL & JYL) Ch.3: A matter of friends (JL & the other kids) Ch.4: In this house we don't keep dogs (JC & WWX) Ch.5: In the end, he remains silent (JL & uncles) Ch.6: A first night hunt, of sorts (JL & the other kids) Ch.7: Jin Ling, forgiving, forgetting (JL & LXC & JGY) Ch.8: Jiang Cheng and Jin Ling argue (JL, JC, & WWX) Ch.9: Jin Ling and his father (JL & JC) Ch.10: Jin Ling speaks up (JL, JC, & WWX) Ch.11: Jin Ling and a piece of home (JL, JC, & WWX)

Departure in Autumn

by chomrafy (not rated, 6k)

Summary:  Four perspectives. A steady march to the end.

Ch.1: Because if anything happens to them, Wen Qing would never be able to heal with these hands again. Ch.2: As long as this is still home, Jiang Yanli will wait as long as she needs to. Ch.3: Five times Jiang Cheng reaches for Wei Wuxian, one time he turns away. Ch.4: Whether the road is broad or narrow, bright or dark, they would have to keep walking. Wei Wuxian digs Wen Qing's grave.

~*~

Hello, hope all is going well. I don't have an ask, by I do have a recommendation. I read this fic a while ago and found it again. I just wanted to recommend this for everyone. Let me know what you think please. Thank you. [Oh!  This one’s in my To Read list, but  I’d forgotten about it.  Mmmm, fox!wwx and dragon!lwj.]

Ten miles of Lotus Flowers

by Yukirin_Snow

M, 274k, wangxian

Summary:  He was a mischievous fox spirit, wreaking havoc where he went, about to depart on a journey that would span centuries.

He was a heavenly prince, a proud dragon destined to ascend the throne to become emperor.

Neither expected their paths to collide over the span of three lives.

~*~

I forgot if it was your blog 😥 that recommended “Bestseller” (when Wei Wuxian writes the Xianxia cut-sleeve equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey, based entirely on his experiences with Lan Wangji, he doesn’t expect it to become the next big hit) (https://archiveofourown.org/works/21528316/chapters/51318766)

But OMG IT WAS HILARIOUS!!! I LOVED IT!! And if it wasn’t your blog, I’m so sorry for how weird this sounds 😭😭😭😭 I just loved this fic so much that I have to tell it to someone 😢 [It’s on my List, but I haven’t read it yet!]

Bestseller

by pupeez4eva

M, 8k, wangxian

Summary:  He had written the book to prove a point. It was never supposed to be a big thing, and he certainly never intended for everyone — Jiang Cheng, Zewu-Jun, the Juniors, literally everyone— to be reading about his sex life.

Oh God, he definitely needed to make sure Lan Zhan didn’t find out about this.

(Or, when Wei Wuxian writes the Xianxia cut-sleeve equivalent of Fifty Shades of Grey, based entirely on his experiences with Lan Wangji, he doesn’t expect it to become the next big hit).

~*~

I’d like to rec On Your Marks, Get Set, Bake! by @blackwiresgrowonherhead

It’s one of my absolute favorites and I laughed out loud so many times when reading it

on your marks, get set, bake!

by BlackWiresOnHerHead

G, 41k, wei wuxian & juniors

Summary:  Jin Ling resumes thumping on the door to room 721, and the small collection of freshmen starts chanting “Senior Wei! Senior Wei! Senior Wei!” with increasing volume until finally Wei Wuxian opens the door.

“Yes?” he says with his widest, most innocent eyes.

“Senior Wei!” demands Lan Jingyi, shoving himself to the front of the group. “Why didn’t you tell us you’re a contestant on this year’s season of The Great Gusu Bake Off?!?”

--

Several months ago, college student Wei Wuxian secretly competed in the most popular reality show in the country. The show starts airing in the fall. The freshmen in his dorm collectively lose their minds.

~*~

If you're in the mood for v. short ridiculous fun fic, may I suggest My chain hits my chest/When I'm bangin' on the radio by x_los It's 2k modern cultivators AU, featuring WWX calling LWJ's sword Bitchin' [omg I’m laughing so hard] and I think it's more fun going in blind?

My chain hits my chest/When I'm bangin' on the radio

by x_los

T, 2k, wangxian

Summary:  Lan Wangji finds he doesn't even need to call for help for Wei Wuxian to come running.

[angelyuji]

I SKWKWJWJWK listen i know this isnt yandere content, but cooking together with ur s/o is probably my dream date and thats where i got this!!!

How Each Avenger Cooks For You 👩‍🍳:

loki, stephen, nat: these bitches show off every time they enter the kitchen. they like impressing you, but they’re super nonchalant about it and ur not allowed to help. they flip their knives, throw the ingredients, slice stuff in the air, do that fire pan flip thing...basically it’s organized chaos. a lot of fire too like... a lot. ur impressed, but don’t think it’s all show. the food is literally amazing. they basically cook like those fancy chefs in 5-star restaurants. (loki doing his iconic knife flips in the middle of ur kitchen and ur like um dangerous but cool!)

carol, tony, wanda: these heroes do all this impressive stuff, but cannot cook for sHIT. they don’t follow recipes because “recipes are for sheeples” and they’re fucking LEADERS....right... anyway, they wont let you help fix the food and yall end up ordering takeout. in the end, it looks gorgeous but tastes like ass, or it looks and tastes like shit. either way, they cannot cook, but they can put on a show! (i hc that carol cant cook for shit and tony literally cant take care of himself, so theres no way he knows how to cook properly)

bucky, steve, clint: home-cookers. they make homemade food, gives me very much housewife vibes. they dont put on shows, but cooks like a normal person. it honestly doesnt matter if u help them or not, the entire process is very wholesome and domestic. they dont need recipes because the recipes are probably something they learned from their family. there is usually no mess, but if there is, they clean up and make sure everything looks exactly how it looked before or cleaner! (pre-serum steve cooked healthy food often because yk...hes a growing boy and post-hydra bucky learned how to cook from steve. it calms him)

thor, peter: although they grew up very different and thor and peter seem like they would absolutely destroy a kitchen and not make anything edible, thats actually not true. thor was dropped in midgard for being a brat, so there’s no way he wouldnt know how to cook, but he only knows how to cook simple meals like eggs or...coffee. and, yes, peter is a hot mess like the rest of us, but he still knows how to make basic meals like pasta, eggs, and whatever. peter’s only had May and when she’s busy, he has to make sure he can cook! they both have their own little piece of paper with recipes and directions, so they don’t forget and you like to watch as they squint their eyes as they read their tiny notecard and look around for everything (there is no way in hell, jane didnt teach thor basic human skills during his time with her)

bruce, vision, t’challa: they dont know how to cook. vision doesnt need food, t’challa is a king, so he has people to cook for him, and bruce’s daily sustenance is takeout from fast food places near his apartment. so when ur like “lets cook at home!” theyre like “....what” so when u ask abt their cooking skills, theyre gonna try and prove that they can cook. these three follows the recipe down to the fucking teaspoons of salt, but STILL somehow manage to make the worst thing youve ever tasted. you’d watch and be like “woah ur doing pretty good!”, but you’ll eat it and go “...hoW TF?!??” theyre gonna stare at u like actual puppies as u eat it, so you have to pretend to like it (you’ll have to give in tho or you’ll get food poisoning, but they wont be hurt just upset that it went wrong. they’ll keep practicing till they get it right, so u become the official tastetester)

scott, sam: everyday is adventure with these two. scott and sam are okay cooks, but amazing company. their slogan is “its not the destination, but the journey”. sure the food is a little burnt and wayy too salty, but you guys had fun cooking together. cracking jokes, talking about your childhood, making animal shapes out of the vegetables, throwing knives into the ceiling...yeah, you probably werent too happy with that one. they both have one braincell, so they saw knife, they throw! you kick them out of the kitchen after that. (scott and sam are avid sitcom/rom-com watchers, so they obviously watch new girl, which then inspired the throwing knives at the ceiling)

[halion-halion-aito]

HI, YOUVE GOT ME INTRESTED IN BULLY, BUT I KNOW NOTHING, WHATS IT ABOUT? ALSO I HOPE YOURE DOING WELL! 🌱

first thing, thank you a lot, i'm managing okay and i hope you're doing alright too!! <3

and to your ask, YOU GOT ME ON SOMETTHING I WILL BE VERY UNHINGED ON SO.

okay so first introduction is that bully is a 2006 game, it's embarassingly easy to download without having to buy anything (the file i downloaded gave some minor issues at the beginning but it works very well) and it's not a lot hard to play, even for a beginner (many more experienced gamers complain about how easy it is for example, but it's perfect for somebody like me say)

the short plot is that the main protagonist (the playable character obviously) gets enrolled in a boarding school as his mom and her new husband go to their honeymoon; the first day jimmy befriends petey and gary, who are kind of outcasts in the school too. in fact, as gary explains to him, the students of the school are mainly divided into four cliques - he nerds, the preps, the greasers and the jocks. basically gary has a plan to take over the school, and (here start the spoilers if u want to avoid them), betraying him, he makes sure that each clique, one after the over, for one or another reason, goes against jimmy. so, each chapter, jimmy has to defeat the leader of the clique and takes control of it; not only he has to defende himself and his honor, but the point is that jimmy wants the pointless bullying and abuse among the students of the academy to stop. he manages to finally reunite everybody under his control and become king of the school, although, in the end, he finds out it was all a setup gary had prepared, so that he could make it all crumble under jimmy's feet and take the control from under his nose, having manipulated even the teachers, the principals and the prefects, and having gotten all the students to fight each other more violently than ever. then well, there's the final showdown between jimmy and gary, jimmy defeats him, the principal finally realilzes all of gary's plans and expels him and thanks to jimmy everything ends well for everybody.

now, the game has flaws, that's needless to say. it's obvious it was made for white cishet maybe hormonal boys, as all the guys fight all the time and all the girls are walking stereotypes with no personality. and in terms of stereotypes, especially at a first glance, aside from the main characters, are made to be sterotypes, and the cliques system makes it pretty clear, but i think it gets cooler the more you think about it. the memebers of each clique represent the worst characteristics of their stereotype, to the point that it's obvious it was intentional. and there's this very cool thing that, obviously, in game you won't know everything about every character. although, the more you interact with each of them and/or you go listen the audio files of their quotes, you realize how every single person is more or less acurately fleshed out, and has a background you find yourself putting together. even the characters with no real relevance in terms of plot has some quotes that will have you wondering and reflecting; tehere are even cases where you may find connections between characters who you never saw interacting, but have some small details that actually tie them- say, duncan who is said to have dropped out because of the bullying, while davis white can be heard saying he once bullied a kid so much he eventually dropped out. we can't be sure obviously, but there are good chances they talk about each other

also, something very interesting about it is that it doesn't pretend to be exaggeratedly cruel to an almost unrealistic extent about teenagehood like many teen dramas do (with the drugs and the alcohol and the sex - which, don't get me wrong, maybe can be real? but it's not relatable to everyone, for example, not to the isolated kid like i was), neither it is carefree and lighthearted like most teen sitcoms are; it really creates an environment that is relatable to many, through one or another character. there's the bullying, both physical and verbal, more or less subtle but not less damaging. there are authorities that claim to mantain justice and morality, but are blind to anything that happens. (in the beta concepts, the principal was meant to be much more harsh and outright violent, but i think his figure works better as it is in the final version - he claims to put morality and justice at the first place, but is blind to anything that actually happens among the students and excuses anything in favor of shaping the personality, creating imo a much more realistic situation and a more subtle problem that is easier to find but harder to understand in real life) there are parents that were never able to fulfill their roles, that were neglectful or overbearing or unable to communicate properly. there's isolation, both literal and emotional. there's a system that, instead of actually supporting people with mental illnesses and issues of any kind just, stuff them with meds and close them up in a structure.

at the end of the day, you have a bunch of young students who were left to their own devices their whole life and are just trying to survive. unfortunately, the game doesn't make a strong point of it, but it's something you can get at, if you think about it all even one second more. even gary, who is demonized and called a "sociopath" all the time (yep, ableism is there unfortunately, together with the fatphobia, slut-shaming and whatnot), is moved by the need for control that he never had in his life, betrays jimmy, who was the only one who would've stayed by his side, becuase he was sure jimmy actually hated him and would've stabbed him in the back if he had the chance. i'm not saying he's actually a saint and he did nothing wrong, but the point is that he was failed first, and this was his grand reaction.

on this track, there's the thing that everyone is neither a good or a bad person. some more, some less, but eveyrone has some redeeming qualities and other terrible flaws. the protagonist, jimmy, has a good heart and would just want the reciprocate abuse among the .students to stop; he's got a strong sense of justice, as his philosophy is that everyone will just get [from him] what they have coming. also he's genuine and sincere to an extreme extent. but he can also tend to be pretty self-centered, as -it is obviously also dictated by game dynamics but- most of the times, when he's asked to help, he asks what's gonna be in it for him. also, and this is something that has me absolutely obsessed, just like gary, he has this kind of lust for power, just like gary, in the sense that when he starts taking control he will get very full of himself about it.

even petey, who seems the most harmless and gentle character of the games, is very reliable and loyal- he's the friend that will anser to the phone at four am if you need him, and even when everyone turns on jimmy he stays by his side. although, once he opens up, he can be very mean, as he knows exactly where to hit in order to hurt the most.

is it contradictory, what i said here with what was before? well, kind of. but to explain my point i would have to go into detail about the backgrounds and the analysis of everyone and who am i to spoil this part of the fun that comes once you finished the gameplay and you don’t know what to do with your life anymore if not researching life and times of everyone

and, last but not least- rockstar games had a lot more in mind for bully, at the beginning- it was meant to be a much darker and serious game, and it was probably toned down to keept the t rating. although, obviously, some of the themes remain, and also some details that weren't taken away, unused audios, animations that are never activated and everything. around the internet there are a lot of people researching beta concepts and all, and it's almost sad to think of everything we never saw. it leaves some good space for speculation and imagination, though, so it makes it all even more interesting (at least to me??)

so... yeah, it leaves you a lot of space to think about a lot of stuff, in case the point didnt come across in. maybe too many paragraphs. whoops.

[curious-menace]

Can you do headcanons of any Riddler getting cared for and gentle kisses from reader after getting beat up? He needs some loves.

SO I MAY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT MY ULTIMATE FANTASY IS TO GIVE RIDDLER A HUG WITH BACKRUBS AS HE TELLS ME ABOUT HIS DAY AND I STAND BY THAT WHOLE-HEARTEDLY .

i freaking love this stuff so im going to do all of them mwahahah

post asswoop riddlers getting loves

Arkham riddler

He’s VERY quiet, which knowing him and his inability to stop talking, is  bad news.

I paint arkham riddler as a cry baby and i stand by that. this is the hill i will die on. He’ll have dragged his sorry ass into your apartment or house , dripping blood on your floors but he wont bother calling for you. he’ll just sit at the table with his head in his hands having a lil pity party until you find him.

when you do finally get home, he’ll be looking like a kicked puppy. he’s gotten stuck in his own head, mentally beating himself up even more. he got a fright when you came in because he was so caught up he didn't even hear you at the door.

He’s literally sits there like a child with his arms up for you to come scoop him up. he’s not even sure why his first thought after getting beat up was to come here, he’s probably lead the cops here or something and that was so stupid and- you should probably give him a lil soft smooch on the head to stop him before he goes into a spiral.

he needs more emotional and mental care than physical. Talk to him while you're patching him up. any topic, it doesn't matter just keep him focused on your voice and not the one in his head calling him dumb.

he wont admit he wants to be held and coddled after something like this. get your softest blankie and 2 mugs of coco with marshmallows and just ramble at him. tell him about your day or ask him to explain something boring and complicated so he’s focusing on that rather than how upset he is. let him sit on your lap or between your legs on the sofa and watch how its made or mythbusters or something until he falls asleep. he should be ok again in the morning, he doesnt stay down for long. 

Blacklight Riddler

He’s used to getting his ass kicked, either by batman, the other rogues or once he’s a PI, by unhappy clients and the people he put away. He might be tiny but he’s pretty tough. 

even if he’s really hurting, his probably trying to crack jokes and tell blood and bruise related riddles. He doesn't like to see you worry so even if he’s in a lot of pain or a bit upset about things, he’s trying to make you smile.

he likes kisses on his bruises. even if he just banged his hand on the table he’ll come to you because he wants you to kiss it better. 

He’s a decent fighter, unlike a lot of riddlers who couldnt fight their way out of a paper bag. He can throw punches but he lacks in defence and with his bad knee, dodging can be a little hard. even if he wins the fight he’s still likely to need you to patch him up.

He likes kids plasters. like hello kitty and spongebob. no im not joking, he ALWAYS wanted them when he was little and his parents always said no. now he’s an adult he’s going to use them whenever he damn well pleases.

 if it was a particularly bad one, he’ll be ok in the moment even if he has to go to hospital. But he’s going to drop the facade at some point and let you see how upset he is. winding up in hospital after being beat was a common occurrence in childhood. even after doing it time and time again as an adult it doesn't make it any easier on him. he’ll want to stay in your bed, be close to you for few days until either he starts to heal or something snaps him out of his funk.

BTAS Riddler

he really prefers other people to do the fighting for him. well physically anyway. he can handle his own arguments...most of the time. He’s going to need you to nurse a bruised ego more than anything. he probably got dunked on my batman or crane and now he’s huffing.

i don't know if this counts as care and kisses but he clearly needs you around to keep his sorry ass alive. he hurt his side in a fight once and said he wasn't hurt. believable... until he started to act a little confused, a little dizzy. needless to say it worried you enough to take him to emergency care. 

He was obviously in agony by now but he was still fighting with you the entire drive there, insulting you and insisting he was fine. its a good job you took him when he did, turns out he’d ruptured his spleen and would probably be dead if you weren’t around to act like his common sense.

he still hasnt apologised for that. or any of the other times you insisted on medical care to stop him from pushing up daisies. he just pretends like you know he’s grateful so he doenst have to admit he’s bullheaded, stubborn and worst of all, wrong. 

if he has been seriously hurt, he acts more indignant about it than anything. he wants to be waited on and pampered while resting in bed. he can be a genuine pain to deal with, talking about how lucky you are to see him in such a vulnerable state and how you should be grateful he’s letting you do this for him.

He doesn't want to admit how much he actually needs you. his goons wont put up with him when he’s like this and he’s freaking paying them to do it. you do it for free and no matter how annoying he is you havent left him yet. he doesn't tell you but youve noticed he starts getting you more gifts about a week after he’s recovered. like its taken him a day or two to work out he should probably thank you for all you do.

Original Riddler

this riddler is just weird. like he gets a freaking hang nail and he pretends like he’s dying. but he could nearly lose a limb and he’ll say “tis but a scratch” and still try to hobble about like nothing is wrong.

actually he’s more like olaf “oh look i've been impaled.”. he probably tries to laugh off life threatening injuries like its nothing, taking maybe 3 steps before he collapses on his face in a blood puddle and lets out a tiny “help”

good luck moving his tall lanky ass around. better get a gurney and maybe those vets at the zoo who deal with giraffes. seriously if you want to take care of him you are going to need help or some sort of action plan and a go bag because with his limp butt this will not be easy.

he’s kinda like BTAS riddler in that he needs you to tell him the injury is serious. hes not dumb he just has a high pain threshold and genuinely doesn't realise that injuries are as bad as they are. 

he can be a bit of a baby while being patched up. he doesn't like a lot of blood or gore, it makes him feel a little sicky. better give him your phone to play with like a kid at the doctors or put the tv on for him to watch while you bandage  him. word of warning, he will pass out or throw up if you try to give him stitches.

i think you should focus your love and attention on him AFTER medical care. just focus on the job, be silent and as fast as possible to get it over with quickly. you should probably bring him something sweet too. no not just you, although you are sweet for looking after him. give him something sugary because he’s going to be light headed after seeing any blood. maybe you could give him a lolly for being a good patient. 

Telltale riddler

this riddler is essentially a metahuman. he can REALLY take a beating and bounce back fairly quickly. just look how many times batman punched him in the face and it barely stunned him! he doesnt usually need patched up after a fight. maybe just a lil smooch and some hugs

he did really need your help after the whole pact thing. having his friends abandon him hurt like hell, more than any physical injury ever could.

after that, he clings to you. almost obsessively so; we know he’s got some serious mental illnesses but he usually has the worst of it under control, even without meds. now? it seems like he’s experiencing ptsd and is afraid to go anywhere without you, like you might up and disappear if you arent in his line of sight at all times.

i think this riddler might need the most intense care from you. hugs and gentle reassurance wont be enough. you’re going to be responsible for taking him to therapy, keeping him taking his meds and grounding him to reality. this is the kind of responsibility you took on when you got involved with him but i doubt you realised how hard it would be. i cant promise it will all be worth it but i can promise he wont ever forget your kindness.

the kind of care he needs after such a hard knocking down is just stability. im not one for romance or any mushy gushy stuff but please just pour your love into the cracks in this poor mans soul.

its hard going, but he has his moments. his gallows sense of humor is still there and hey, after him being in and out and gone for so long, it might be nice to have him around more.  

Zero year riddler

INSUFFERABLE LITTLE SHIT THIS ONE. he could LITERALLY be bleeding out in your arms and he’d STILL be backseat driving on your medical skills. the temptation to just leave him there to bleed is INCREDIBLE.

he’ll drop the act eventually. he’ll ask and maybe even beg for your help. man has  no shame and all the self preservation instincts of a lemming. dont get me wrong, he can be a total coward some times, only looking out for himself . but when he’s actually hurt ? not a fuckin clue. does this head wound need an ice pack or heat pack? is this spurring blood wound worthy of medical care? no idea. he was a very sheltered child who never got so much as a bruise so he has no idea what to do when he’s hurt.

he gets the everloving shit kicked out of him on a clockwork basis. like you could hear knocking on your door at 3 am and already be at the table with a first aid kit like oh its tuesday riddler must have broken his nose.

he takes entirely too much joy in making you patch him up. youre starting to wonder if he’s doing it on purpose just to see you in your little apron and latex gloves . he’s getting off on this and you know it but god help you, you just  cant resist his dumb face asking for your help and would you also wear this pink nurses outfit while youre at it?

one time he lost a LOT of blood. he would be fine but he was pretty damn loopy from lightheadedness. while you were trying to get him into bed to rest he started flirting with you. can you believe the audacity? he’s lost 3 pints of blood and he’s still more focus on his libido? 

he’s actually going to be both humble and grateful for your help when he finally comes round. dont get me wrong, he’s still a bit of a prick but at least he says thank you for saving him before he demands you kiss all his booboos and ouchies. 

nonnie i am having a stroke. i was trying SO hard to just pick one but i COULDNT because i am WEAK for hurt and comfort.

theres a reason i have a tag that literally says “i have naughty hands and no self control”

someone needs to stage an intervention

got something you wana talk about? send me an ask or a dm! im always game to talk about our favorite curious menace 💚💜

[us-ugay]

Omg the potluck… genius. A prime moment for bragging and Arthur would be SO mad he can’t really compete w Alfred’s crockpot rips recipe from allrecipes dot com.

Omg tho a key thing i forgot about the retreat idea: if you rent an air bnb you gotta cook, and I know for us they had everyone sign up and pair off to make different meals. Them getting stuck cooking together for COWORKERS on this awkward as hell trip. Alfred would probs very quickly realize that arthur has no idea what he’s doing and he has to 1) make and serve a bad meal w arthur (both have wounded pride) 2) making something good and taking full credit (mean, pisses off arthur in a non-beneficial or funny way) 3) awkwardly try to teach arthur how to make like. Spaghetti sauce lmfao.

Also I think alfred is probs the guy who chronically loses his ID to get into the building and different areas. I can see him awkwardly knocking on the door to get someone to let him in and Arthur just smugly holding up his own badge through the glass before letting him in and making the SNIDEST remarks he can. Or worse, alfred getting up to go get lunch and Arthur just “:)don’t forget your badge, alfred:)” after he’s half way across the room and alfred having to realize Arthur is RIGHT and having to slink back over to his desk to grab his badge.

Also, two words: secret santas.

the idea of office retreats requiring you to sleep in an airbnb with coworkers AND cook for them was so awful it slapped me fully out of my immersion and fantasy anon dont tell me youve had to do that before 😭 no amount of overtime would make that ok

if my company ever announced a retreat that will be the first time in my life i give my two weeks notice absolutely the fuck not

ok back 2 the AU i absolutely used to be the bitch that left my card home and id always have to ask my old boss to come down and get me in the elevator and nothing is more humbling and humiliating than that shit eating grin of a person coming to get your stupid ass because you have to wear womens business pants and they dont have real fucking pockets and so your card is always fucking falling out and so you tried to keep it in your purse but then itd get lost and it was always a pain in the ass to fish out to flash at the elevator scanner and its not fair cuz your boss just gets to have normal ass back pockets that are bigger than a fucking business card and he also gets to keep his key card in his stupid little wallet that he can keep in his stupid pocket and even thinking about it makes you wanna commit homicide 😤😤😤

also the secret santas? i know some offices will have folks fill out a little “get to know me” card so people arent just buying random ass shit for folks and the thought of those two filling them out and realizing slowly as they go through that damn they dont have favorite anythings or shit they like or whatever and it dawning upon them that their whole lives are dedicated to work 🙃 fun fun

i imagine arthur has to shop for alfred because arthur strikes me as a guy to just have the worst fucking luck and always gets stuck doing the one (1) thing he doesnt wanna do (which, same girl) and alfreds likes are all the most generic bullshit imaginable (which arthur doesnt put two and two together and realize alfreds in the same bot as him and just thinks alfreds the most annoying blandest person on the planet)

but arthur cant just give alfred some generic ass gift because this is an opportunity to Flex and Win against alfred so as much as it pains and kills him to spend even more time looking at and thinking about alfred (which lets be real, he may have convinced himself otherwise but he quite likes how alfred fills out his collared shirts and business slacks) and it idk what he decides to go with for the limited amount of money they get to spend but its a shockingly spot-on gift that alfred loves but of course alfred cant show /too/ much appreciation cuz he cant let arthur win but also he cant just be a grade A dick either cuz then the rest of the office will think hes an ingrateful bastard

but arthur sees that brief moment where alfred shows his genuine emotions of shock and happiness even if it was almost instantly covered up by alfred acting like his usual jackass self and while yeah, he should be celebrating the victory over alfred, his heart is beating so hard in giddiness at seeing alfred look so happy

and hey, maybe this is right before that fated christmas party 👀

[actor-mark]

Red Candles Pt 15

OOC: How to vote: Send your choice in an ask to this blog. Comments, reblogs and dms will not count as I do not get notifications for them nor do I want to screenshot from several places. I’ve spotted a couple of older choices coming through, please make sure to check by the blog to be up to date with the latest post! Thank you!

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Glitchy Arrow

You feel a little frazzleD, so many directions to go, so many ways to turn, at this point anything could be a sign. As much as you’d have liked to have left, you feel this need to follow the glitching arrOw and sigh heavily as you make your way to the elevator.  Out of Order.  Of course it is... Welp. Stairs it is!  There’s aNother flicker in the lights, then another, then another, leading down the stairs... Much like the arrow you feel the need to follow the hopefully faulty wiring and begin the descent downstairs. 

You watch the floor numbers. 1. G. LL. BL. Finally the stairs run out as things grow very cold down here. It’s dark and foreboding and the only thing down this low in a hospital is likely noT where you want to ever end up.  ɥⅎ ɯɹʅꝹ

Carefully you push the heavy fire door open into the icy cold room and the motion trigger lights flicker into life, one of them continuing to flicker in the corner and like before you venture over in that direction. It goes still once you reach the area but there doesn’t seem to be any other indication as to what you’ve been lead to. 

You cast a glance over the various cadaver fridges and their labels. No real indication to anything. Why are you here? 

“ZOMBIE!!! AAHH!!!” 

You nearly jump out of your skin as you reel around just in time to see a metal tray come swinging for your head. You quickly duck, then duck again as the tray comes back for another swing, quickly backing off with your hands up shaking your head.  The man pauses, looking you over then slowly lowers the tray “Wh- .. y-youre not a- D-DONT SCARE ME LIKE THAT! Yikes.... “ He ran a hand over his face and slowly set the tray back where it belonged.  “Sorry about that... You spend so long with a bunch of bodies not moving and suddenly see movement when you’ve been alone for hours it kinda-.. aheh... oh- uh... Are you alright? You don’t look so good? ... C-Come over here let me take a look at you” 

Now that the Doctor mentions it, you’ve felt really tired and exhausted, a little sluggish. Maybe you are sick? Still, maybe the doctor has some answers for you? You agree to head over to the stool and let him take a look at you.  “Hmm lets see here. Cold temperature? That’s not Good” It’s the room temperature but hey.  “Hmm frantic eyes” He shines a very bright light right in your face and instinctively you retract. That flash light could have burnt a hole in your face! Geez!  “hmm, sensitivity to light” No shit sherlock! The heck was that? A hand held sun? “Say ahhh” You open your mouth for him to see inside. “Ahhh” ...... “ahh- no?” He pauses to look at you again “hm... Not good”  The doctor scribbled a few things down before slowly taking off his head mirror and running a hand over his mouth “I-.... Im ... Im sorry-..... You’re dying” He spoke it so dramatically. Perfect for any sort of hospital drama on TV.  You lift an eyebrow at him. Dying? SurE. Besides the fatigue -which is most likely from all the rabbit holes you’ve been sent down and the fact that by now it’s probably close to 8am with how long you’ve been at this, you’ve not had any sleep or breakfast. You shake your head but he shakes his head back

“I’m sorry.. I can make iT quick for you, you wont have to suffer”  Whoa whoa whoa!  “Hold still”  HANG ON A SEC-

The deed was done before you even had a chance! This psycho doctor just up and smacked you around the head with the silver tray and out went the lights!  What the hell dude! Worst. Doctor. Ever.  The knock out certainly didn’t kill you, but the five or six whacks to your skull afterwards certainly did the trick to finish you off...  puǝᴉɹᖵ ʻǝɯoɔʅǝϺ

Death isn’t so bad though. Nice and dark, calming, peaceful. Like being asleep- or..well.. that’s what it should have been. As you slowly blink open your eyes to look around, you see your body being stuffed into one of the cadaver fridges and Dr. Iplier wander out muttering a song to himself. What a nut job...  Movement however catches your eye and you see someone trying to open one of the fridges. They weren’t there before.  You venture closer, tapping them on the shoulder, they turn to face you and you can’t help but stumble back in surprise. Faceless.  as you scramble back in shock you bump into someone else, whirl around, another faceless person! Your eyes quickly catch sight of the other 8 figures without faces in the room. 

This is some sort of nightmare surely? Another of Marks tricks!? You back away staring in horror but as you watch the group of faceless people they all begin to point in the direction of one fridge in particular. 

Slowly you realize they’re trying to help you, gather yourself enough to move again and wander over to the fridge.  Moving in death is ..hard. It’s like trying to wade through sludge. The air is thick and heady. Like trying to wade through neck deep swamp mud and the more you move the tighter in holds. After 2 steps you’re unable to move and end up holding still.  One of the faceless beings, wearing what appears to be prison cLothing, looks to you, then seems to glitch out before appearing by the fridge they pointed at. Another dressed in casual clothing and featuring multiple shark bite wOunds does the same, glitching out and reappearing by the fridge unit.  .sn ǝɹɐ no⅄ .noʎ ǝɹɐ ǝϺ

You get the idea, you’ve seen this before after all. Movement is hard, you have to will yourSelf over there instead. And you do. With a familiar flicker and glitch you appear at the fridge. You learnt from the best after all.  

Carefully you manage to glitch open the fridge to see the body inside or raTher what’s been stuffed inside with it.  A candelabra! 

Black sleek and exactly what you’ve been hunting own this entire time! There’s just one problem... No candles.  You take another look at the body inside. A mangled and rotten set of remains. Chewed to pieces by an alligator maybe. You recognize the grey suit...  Curiosity takes you and you cant help but start pulling open the other fridges.  Mark. Mark. Mark. Mark.  Mark. All of them. Death by falling, death by being eaten, death by hole to the chest, death by anchor, death by being punched through a prison wall, death by gunshot- the list goes on. 

Slowly you back away with the candelabra, a ghostly hand reaching to touch your shoulder and you whirl around. Suddenly you realize who these people are. They have no names.  Or rather. They have YOURS.  It’s a strange feeling but you understand these people are in the same situation as you. You nod to them and they nod back before pointing you to the work bench in the middle of the room.  Glitching over to it much like Darkiplier you get the drawer open. 

Before you lie the following objects:  - Scalpel - Syringe - Tweezers - Forceps  - Claw Hammer - Lighter - Empty Test Tube - Pen

You’re not sure why they pointed you here, its not like you can light that lighter in your current state, now you think of it youre not sure how you have this candelabra at all, but the way it’s glitching with you suggests it may not exist on the living side.  .ʞɔɐq noʎ puǝs uɐɔ ǝϺ

Youre a little stumped and not sure what to do here. 

Your choices are as follows: 

Offer the Candelabra to the Y/N’s Maybe they know where the candles are? But there’s still the task of trying to light them.. Is this even the right one? 

Is that a light? The door you came through is glowing in a weird way, it’s soothing, calling, you could go open the door and see friends again, family, you hear your name being called... You’re so tired.... A nap sounds great... 

.....

......

No. 

You shake your head. 

Your choice has been made for you. 

You Offer The Candelabra To The Y/N’s.... 

OOC: Tomorrows option has been made for you. You’re close to the end friends!  I ask that you take todays vote to send me your thoughts, feelings, what youve enjoyed and what youve disliked on this adventure! I as the writer have very much enjoyed seeing the reasons behind your votes and the theories others have worked on! I’m over the moon with how well this turned out and you can bet I’ll do another in future.  This CYOA has helped a lot with planning for ANWM2 (a discord based CYOA) and you can bet I’ll post the discord link here when its ready to go (itll be a while!)  thank you everyone for being on this journey!

[petewentzisblack1312]

Hi… I wanted to ask this on anon so I didn’t ask on your personal, idk if this is too personal or anything to ask but

Do you have a problem with people saying they have a mental disorder if they don’t have a diagnosis? Like for me so… I have been diagnosed with anxiety but I am like 99% sure I have bipolar disorder. And like I know you can’t diagnose me so I’m not going to go into depth with my symptoms but ever since I was like, 11, I used to get very depressed to the point where I contemplated ending it but then i would snap out of it and I think for me my manic phase are hypomanic bc ive never experienced like the full range of those symptoms but my depressive phases get very rough esp if I have external stressors but it will go through what I assume to be these phases like sometimes within the day esp if I have a stressor.

I am in nursing school and I work at a psych hospital so like this isn’t coming out of nowhere, I am very familiar with all mental disorders and it was actually during my psych nursing class and learning about bipolar disorder that I was like… hm… why does this feel like a mirror right now. I am aware I should get to a therapist and get an actual diagnosis (if I had money I would lol) but like idk. Idk if it’s worth going to my doctor at my physical and being like “hey I think I have this” I am lucky enough now that I am in a good place and can manage my symptoms but I am terrified I will go through a stressor again and lose it so idk. I mean I feel like I already know the answer but I wanted to ask anyway to see your take :/

Anyway idk as a future medical professional I think self diagnosis got a bad rep and it’s like idk I think for mental disorders esp you can tell if you have anxiety and it’s a persistent problem. You can tell if you have depression. I know bipolar disorder is harder to diagnose but idk I think since I’m in the field it’s easier? Idk I felt like a sense of relief with learning about it and finding similarities and being like “well maybe that’s why I’m like that”. But idk now I’m feeling uneasy bc I don’t have a diagnosis and I don’t want to be like, stepping over people who were diagnosed. Thank you in advance if you read all this and yeah I’m sorry I know it’s a lot and this is controversial

ok this is a long post so im putting it under a cut but tldr, no i dont have a problem with it. it doesnt matter if you actually have an illness, it matters if you find a solution to your problem. if treating yourself like you have a certain condition makes it easier to go through life, then keep doing what works for you, you are doing nothing wrong. this all goes for physical and mental illnesses.

im a firm proponent of self diagnosis. i wouldnt be here if i didnt have the confidence to research mental illnesses and advocate for myself. as someone who is extremely familiar with the medical profession on account of being the daughter of a doctor and a nurse and spending my childhood running around a hospital, im extremely privileged to even have the knowledge and ability to do so, and i try to bear in mind the understandable hesitancy of people without this advantage. i know that you are well within your right to refuse medication that makes you sick, i know that you can complain about a doctor that isnt listening to you, i know that you are allowed and encouraged to be adamant about things you are told dont matter, and in addition to that, i have a VERY well known doctor and a nurse in my corner, and i am STILL treated as though i do not understand my own experiences enough to have any authority more often than i am not.

the reason self diagnosis gets a bad rep imo is because people have constructed this boogeyman of the worst case scenario, people collecting mental illnesses they dont have for attention as opposed to what it is, people doing research into their experiences and making theories on what they have so they can manage it. youll often see the take of "i dont hate self dxd i just hate people who do it for attention" and i think thats very irresponsible considering a symptom of many mental illnesses is thinking youre faking it and doing it for attention, nevermind the fact that attention seeking behaviour is literally a symptom of many mental illnesses people often dont want to empathize with. gatekeeping whos illness is real just keeps people who need help out. i could go into an anarchist screed about democratizing health, but basically, as someone whos life has been saved by my insistence on self diagnosis, and whos life has been made significantly easier by treating myself as though i have the conditions that i theorize i have, self diagnosis saves lives, and i, as an advocate for disabled people of all kinds on my island, will never put any conditionals on self diagnosis. it doesnt matter if you find the right name for your problem, it matters if you find a solution that works. i have yet to meet any of these fabled people who never try to receive a professional opinion, only people who literally cant.

as for feeling guilty, ill repeat how i opened this answer: it does not matter what exactly your problem is, it matters that you find a solution that works. in medicine generally, there will be a wide spectrum of problems with overlapping treatments, things which are similar but distinct, things which look identical but are completely different and at different levels of concern. it doesnt really matter which grab bag of bullshit your brain is reaching from, it matters that you know how to deal with what it throws at you, whatever that may be. dont worry about getting it right, worry about getting it working. okay?

for advice on how to deal with doctors, its helpful to pose it as a hypothetical as opposed to an absolute. when i bring up things im dealing with that i have a theory about i say "i think i have x" or "i think i might have x" or "i have a lot of symptoms of x". doctors are often egotistical and are easily challenged so it helps to pose it at a problem they can solve as opposed to one youve solved for them otherwise they get spooked. in my experience posing it this way leads them to actually interrogate this line of symptoms, and theyll ask you why you think that, and you can bring up symptoms that led you to that conclusion, and ones that give you trouble especially. for example, ive said "i think i may have autism or adhd? or both" to several doctors, and they either agree with me (i believe its been put in my file as a possibility now although i cant get an official test done due to financial and resource restrictions) or they ask why i think so, and i detail what i believe is due to my autism. its small, but this reframing helps a lot.

i think this covers all you said but my head is empty as hell.

[cs-discourse]

it is my dream to unlock all of the cs & discourse mods backstories. why is juice box filled with hatred? why does phe hint vaguely at a sad angst backstory? ( legit tho phe, you ok? ) why do rando anons dislike cinna for super petty reasons? why did I think phe and peach were the same mod? why does raey suck so much? actually, why do all the rp mods suck so much? these are some of the questions I hope will be answered by the unlocking of the mods backstories.

fjjvhdhhche honestly, if you really wanna know, sit tight for a second. Youve unlocked my sad anime backstory by asking 😔😔😔😜 But yeah tw for abuse and suicide ig.

So to keep this as short as I can, my mom yeeted basically as soon as I was born, my dad went off to war and when he came back he couldnt hold any jobs so me and him lived w my grandparents (who were taking care of me when he was gone too). My grandmother (bitchma from now on) hates him (and i hated him for a while, but now I see why she did and I love him) and kicked him out bc he had no job and major ptsd.

So I lived with gparents up until I was 18. In that time I was basically subjected to gaslighting, manipulation, all types of mental and physical abuse, mostly by bitchma. They believed in spanking (ofc. which is fucking horrble. do not spank your child) and I would legit have panic attacks??? anxiety attacks? (not sure which. i bever figured it out) where I couldnt breathe and I hyperventilated and sobbed and it was horrible, and bitchma would just tell me to “Stop that, you can breathe” while im sobbing and gasping for air. She’ll get mad at anything and everything, screamed constantly, blamed me for everything. Always said “Well (insert other child) didnt do this” or “I bet your friend (only friend i talked about) gets good grades”. Would scream at me about clothes I would wear, even if she backhandedly approved them earlier. Would hurt my feelings and when I would cry or feel the courage to tell her she hurt me she would just say “the world doesnt revolve around you”. Never apologized. Got mad at me for bad grades when I was in such a bad mind state because I had to live there with her. Said “I’ve never had a child that’s failed before, even your dad got good grades. But it seems like the only thing you can do.” That hurt me a lot. I remember it so clearly. I tried to kill myself that day, and other days, but by then I had friends I cared for. And I loved my friends as my family. If I did it, they would hurt and I never wanted to do that to them.

But coming back to my dad hate, she hates him because she couldn’t mold him into a perfect little child and was realizing she couldn’t mold me into a perfect child either. My dad and I have such similar personalities and likes it’s insane. Most likely because we were raised by the same tyrant with the same mindset of “I hate her”. He’s told me that even though he’s literally been deployed in war, some of the shit she’s done has given him more ptsd than it. I moved in with him when I turned 18. This is the happiest I’ve been in my entire life, escaping that hellhole. There’s so much more she’s done, but honestly I don’t have the willpower and don’t want to drone on, this is very long.

But yeah. She’s the only person that I’ve ever had no mercy for. When I heard she may have cancer, I was so fucking happy. But she didn’t, sadly. With the shit bitchma subjected me to, I honestly wish her the worst with her growing age. That’s how much fucking pain she’s caused me. Sorry to dump, but 1: you did ask and 2: it feels nice to vent

.phe

-

You probably thought we were both the same because I tend to keep to myself and both mod names start with P and I was signing as MP for a while when I started typoing Peach a lot and wanted to save myself the trouble.

Also, here’s my backstory LOL.. o<-<

I was born with a tumor disorder called infantile myofibromatosis and all that means is that I had self-resolving tumors all over my body at about age 3. As a result of the tumors going away, I spent a lot of years 8-12 in the hospital getting spinal transfusion work and checkups due to a destroyed vertebra, which would have resulted in paralysis from the waist down if untreated. I’ve got some pretty neat scars from all of this and I kinda want to get them turned into tattoos but I can’t because of MRIs scheduled for every 10 years.

Thankfully, the surgeries worked and I could resume “normal” activity approved by my surgeon at about 16. I have pictures of my before and after spinal x-rays if anyone wants to see. I think they’re kinda cool.

I tend to be a shut book about everything unless we’re friends and usually when I tell people everything they’re like D: I’m so sorry. So I just skip the guilt of sharing and don’t.

I’ve got a lot of nostalgic interests because I feel like I’m always trying to make up for lost time but I’m working on letting some things go.

My family tries to be supportive most of the time but my father is manipulative and tries to gaslight everyone. He kinda treats everyone in the house like we exist to serve him like a king and my brother’s frustrations often wind up being exploded all over my mother and I. It’s very a toxic household situation and I was happier before COVID when I could party and club and avoid my family with my college friends but I think that ship has sailed.

I’m currently in the process of trying to save money for future rent and new clothing, take my GRE again to raise my score above 160 and then fly the coop for good. It’ll probably take a year for all of this at least, if not longer. We’ll see. // Mod Peach

[mmmhowaboutno]

ive barely talked about this to anyone, i thought i got over it but you dont just get over stuff like this. i just wanna write it somewhere. a few days ago was august 3rd. three years ago on that day i was drugged and sexually assaulted in my own home by someone who i thought was my friend. i was friends with him for five years prior, so it came as a shock to me when this happened, not just because of what happened but because i realized trusting people is something i may do too easily. 

my parents went away for the weekend with my brother, and my “friend” was in town, so i thought i would invite him over so we could drink and play video games. we had been planning to hang out for a while and i thought it was just a chill thing to do with someone youve been friends with for so long. i still think that. i had two shots of vodka and after that started to feel more drunk than normal. i remember him constantly stuffing his water bottle in my face telling me to drink. at first he casually asked if i just wanted some water, so i didnt think anything of it. when things started getting fuzzy he would say “drink this, its just water, youre so drunk youll feel better.” he never drank from it though. guess where the drugs were. 

i remember bits and pieces of what happened and the stuff he did to me. i remember “across the universe” was playing in the background as i drifted in and out of consciousness. i wanted to watch that movie since high school and always put it off, but now ill never be able to watch it. i remember that while i was on the floor and couldnt move or speak he would make me drink water and tell me that i would feel better soon, all while he was rubbing my thighs or reaching up my shorts. i remember being unconscious for a long time, and when i woke up, he was in the bathroom. i could barely hold up my phone, but i called my boyfriend first. it was 4am for him and his phone was on silent, but he said that he woke up right as i was calling for some reason, like he felt something bad was happening. i couldnt talk. its like i was in one of those dreams where you try to run away but cant, except i couldnt get words out of my mouth at all. all i managed to say was “drugged me.” my boyfriend told me to call the police, so i did. 

when he came out of the bathroom, he acted like everything was normal. i can still see and hear him standing over me and asking “you okay?” while i was drooling on the floor and couldnt lift my head from the drugs that he gave me. i cant remember what happened until the police came. i only remember the knocking at the door and them telling me to open it. the knocking was so fucking loud. he kept looking at me and asking why i called the police, to which i couldnt answer anything. he started panicking and went in and out of the rooms upstairs in my house. he didnt answer the door, and they kept knocking. i somehow managed to get up, tripped and crawled down half of the stairs, and opened the door for them. i remember my dog barking and an officer placing me on a stretcher and so many questions being tossed around. they asked me how old i was and had me call my boyfriend so they could talk to him. they asked my “friend” if he knew that i had a boyfriend, like that would make a difference in him wanting to drug me or being responsible for it. 

he told the officers that i had had a lot to drink before he got to my house, that i was already drunk off my ass before he got there. they let him go. i told them where the drugs were. i pointed at the water bottle that was in his hand and i told them that the drugs were there, in whatever broken words i could get out, and they let him leave. they didnt test the water bottle for anything or look around my house or ask me if i was okay. they didnt ask what he did to me or even ask if he did anything, they just let him leave and took me to the hospital. they didnt even question the fact that he was buying a minor alcohol, they just let him fucking leave. 

when i was at the hospital, they tested me for my alcohol levels, which they said were normal. so there was physical evidence that i was not, in fact, drunk, like he said. when i started to come to after waiting at the hospital for hours, i told the doctors where the drugs were. i told them to test the water bottle, i begged and pleaded for them to get in touch with police and tell them that i didnt have any alcohol in my system, that it was drugs that he had given me. there was fucking proof, but they didnt do anything.

they asked me if i wanted to call my mom, and i almost did, but then i remembered that it was her birthday. so, i spent those three hours alone in the room thinking about all the reasons i was a fuck up and how this was all my fault. no one seemed to believe me, so maybe i did make it all up and i was actually drunk. but no, there wasnt any alcohol in my system. i only had two shots. after a while, the doctors told me i could go home. i was confused because i didnt have a way to get home, so they told me get an uber or something. they didnt really care at this point. i called an uber, and went outside to meet the car. once my feet hit the ground outside i realized that i didnt have any shoes on. i dont know why but i thought it was strange. i kinda hyper-focused on that as i waited for the uber. everything around me was so loud. all of a sudden, a young-ish nurse came outside and stood next to me. he said he would wait with me. i saw him pass my room a couple times while i cried silently for those few hours i was in the hospital. he stood outside with me and walked me to my uber, asked the uber driver for his name and number, and told me i would be okay. i remember what he looked like and ill genuinely never forget him. he made me feel safe just by doing that little thing, i knew i could trust him when i didnt even trust myself in that moment. 

the car ride home felt like it took forever. i was scared of the uber driver and the road and the fact that it was dark outside and most of all of what my mom would think and say when i finally told her what happened. i got home and walked up to my house to see that the main lights were on. my dog was waiting for me on the stairs and ran up to me as i walked inside. he kept licking me and didnt leave my side, but after a while of my dog being attentive and moving around, i realized how quiet it was inside my house. his car wasnt outside anymore, so i knew he had left, but this sudden wave of inexplicable fear washed over me. i started very anxiously searching every room, looking behind doors and in cabinets for some stupid fucking reason. i looked under every bed and turned on every light in my house. i dont know why but i thought he would still be there, waiting for me. i was looking for any trace of him still being in the house and waiting to do it to me all over again. i went upstairs and looked in my brothers closet only to find the vodka that my “friend” had brought for us to drink hidden in a corner. in the room next to mine was the bag with the receipt for the vodka that he bought. in the room where it all happened was the pizza we had gotten to eat and the cushions that he put under my head when i kept flopping over and drooling. that room was like a war zone to me. i couldnt look at it or be in it, i couldnt for almost a year. there were remnants of what happened all over my house and i felt like i couldnt escape it. it happened in the place where i was supposed to feel the most safe, and now i felt trapped in it.

i went into my room and got into bed with my dog. it was 4am, i couldnt sleep, and i didnt know what to do. every noise made me jump. every noise outside made me peek through the blinds to make sure that it wasnt his car pulling back up to my house. i found myself more awake than exhausted, as i should have been. im sure he slept fine that night. im sure he was okay and that he went home knowing that i was in the hospital and my mind was going 1000 miles an hour trying to remember every little detail of what happened so i could convince the cops that he had drugged me. because evidence wasnt enough. words werent enough for them to even try to dig into the fact that maybe i was possibly telling the truth. the cops didnt care, the doctors didnt care. they let him go. 

i dont know why i decided to write about this now, because for the most part, im “over it.” i do still think about what happened occasionally. it keeps me up at night sometimes, but not as much as in the first year after it happened. what i think about the most is the fact that no one believed me. i wasnt drugged and sexually assaulted and then reported it a few days later. the cops came and picked me up in the house where it all happened. they stood next to the person that did it. they looked him in the eye and they looked at the water bottle with drugs in it and at me barely conscious and unable to speak. they let him go. so unfortunately it doesnt surprise me when no one fucking cares if someone remembers and speaks out about their trauma years later because thats the moment they feel comfortable enough to finally talk about it. if cops didnt care in the very moment it was happening to me, it doesnt surprise me that they dont care at all. ever. 

he never tried to text or reach out to me again. why would he? i blocked him the next day anyway and i havent heard anything since. ive been silently dealing with it by myself for years. i went to a therapist about it. she told me that it was my fault for inviting him over in the first place. thats what my parents told me too. 

and the thing is, im not even the “worst” of it at all. this happens all the fucking time. theres very substantial evidence and cops and doctors will stare at it and think about how much work itll be going through the motions to do their fucking jobs and protect the people being assaulted. its too much work for them, but not for the person having trouble falling asleep every night for years because all they can think about is the moment they were unable to protect themselves and were taken advantage of. i always compare what happened to me to what happened to other people. i think less of it because so much worse has happened to other people. i wasnt raped, people are every day but i wasnt. it could have been worse, and ive always pushed the whole thing out of my mind because of that, but i dont think i should. i dont think it wasnt a big deal, and i dont think it will ever be not a big deal. i think that this shit happened to me and happens to people every day and no one fucking cares because its too much work for them to care. this isnt a metoo post, i just needed to put it into writing somewhere because im tired of keeping it inside. i dont want pity, i never have, i think a lot of people think that when something like this happens and someone speaks out about it that thats what they want. i just wanna say it. sometimes its just fucking good to say it. so for the people who do think that i want pity or that dont believe me or that support cops or that dont think this was a big deal: fuck you and have a horrible day.

thats it sorry