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writingouthere · 8 months

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singlemom!reader x neighbor!sukuna. you miss having a baby and Sukuna is dying from a combination of your sexual tension, his lowkey(highkey) baby fever and the drudgery of attending a child's birthday party

cw: Sukuna's breeding kink, red flags are present and accounted for, no one gets laid tho so sad face. this actually ended up being way more sincere and heartfelt than I intended but honestly very typical of me

"Oh we're not together, Sukuna's just been letting me and Bug crash while we look for an apartment."

"Oh he's not my boyfriend, we're just friends!"

"He's actually not Bug's dad. No, no. But, they get along really well. She enjoys having someone else to hang out with aside from me, I think."

Your laughter after the last one plays on repeat as he goes to grab the two of you some refreshments. Sukuna feels like he's living the world's worst version of groundhog day, except instead of being some sad loser who relives the same day over and over, he's apparently a sad loser who is going to live the same conversation over and over again.

"Fuck this shit."

"Um, excuse me but could you watch your language. This is a kid's birthday party." Sukuna wants to ask the bitch who is correcting a grown man's language if he would mind watching his own fucking business but you seem to care about what these losers think and he won't make life difficult for you.

If he happens to step on the guy's foot as he leaves with two cups and a juice box caught in his elbow, well, his steel toed boots need the exercise.

Sukuna knew that if any of his acquaintances, he didn't have friends after all, could see him now, they would die laughing. Die ,because he would kill them for laughing, but fuck he couldn't even really blame them, even in his hypothetical.

Once upon a time, Sukuna was a feared criminal. People pissed themselves when he cornered them in a dark alley. Other bad guys would look at him and say, "wow that guy's a real piece of shit" and now look at him. Stuck at some three year old's birthday party. One more kidzpop butchering of an already shitty song away from committing another felony.

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if he knew he was at least getting some pussy out of it, but he had just spent the past two hours hearing you deny him to anyone who asked and it was really starting to get to him.

He knew he was being a little bitch about it, and he wasn't upset just because you weren't fucking him. He was upset that all the things you were telling people, they were technically true. He was just letting you and your daughter crash. He was just your friend, not your boyfriend. Even the comments about him not being Bug's dad, but him being positioned as some kind of really invested babysitter, those might have stung more than the ones about your relationship but you thought that was true too.

Thinking about the kid made him look for her, not that Sukuna ever wasn't aware of where you and your daughter were. It had become instinct before he was even aware of it.

Bug was laughing with some kids he recognized from daycare and others from their regular trips to the park. Her happiness was contagious and Sukuna found his lips twitching up at the ends despite his shitty mood.

Your daughter's eyes found him from across the playground. "kuna!" she called, waving her little hand at him. He waved back with his available hand and made his way towards her. She met him halfway, her little legs unsteady on the wood chips but she didn't seem to notice. She was always like that when she saw him, she ran fearlessly. Maybe she just trusted he'd catch her.

Was it so wrong of him that he didn't like the reminders she wasn't his. That it stung, not just because of his feelings but because it just couldn't be true. He might not have fathered her, but fuck anyone who said this little girl wasn't his.

"I got you a juice, you've been running around so much you gotta be thirsty."

"Not thirsty," Bug argued leaning into him. He held up his hands that were holding the grown up drinks for the two of you, and moved the package still lodged in the crease of his elbow towards the petulant toddler. "Take it, or I'll drink it."

Bug stuck her tongue out at him and grabbed it. She struggled to get the wrapping off the straw and Sukuna didn't even notice what he was doing until she had the straw stretched out towards him and he was pulling the wrapper off with his teeth. He spit it out on the ground as your daughter gave him a polite thank-you and then walked away, sipping her juice as she went to catch up with her friends.

What had become of him?

"Need a hand?" You smile at him and Sukuna hands over your cup before taking a sip of his own. There was unfortunately no alcohol in it but drinking it occupied his mouth before he acted like a pussy and asked you, "what are we?" or "should we get married?" or something equally as pathetic.

"God, I want a baby."

Sukuna almost spit out his drink but he manages to tone it down to just a little cough before turning to look at you. You don't even seem a little embarrassed which is just infuriating. Sukuna's about to make a suggestion on how he can help with that when you sigh and point to where some loser is holding their ugly baby.

"Aren't babies just the cutest, I miss when Bug was that age."

Oh, so this was just you looking at other people's red-faced brats and feeling nostalgic and was not in fact a call to action. Sukuna rolled his eyes and leaned back on the hand closest to you so he didn't touch you as he was so tempted to do these days.

"That baby, like all babies, is hideous. All they do is cry, shit themselves and vomit and I'm not even sure Bug is the exception to that and she's the best kid there is."

You look touched at his affection for your daughter but also fired up on behalf of babies everywhere.

"You can't just say a baby is hideous, Sukuna. Those are the Zenin's. Bug is friends with some of them."

"Well are the older ones cuter, because that baby looks like someone fucked one of those hairless cats."

"Sukuna!" you hiss but he sees you smile, despite yourself. "Okay, maybe that baby isn't like the cutest baby-"

"Hideous."

You continue after smacking his arm. "But Bug was cute, okay. And I'm not just saying that because I'm her mom." You take out your phone and quickly swipe until you get to what you're looking for. "See, cute baby."

Sukuna grabs your phone and looks. It's not the first picture he's seen of a young Bug and he's taken his share of photos of her himself, but he finds himself taken in by it anyway.

It has to be a picture from when Bug was really young, she still had the scrunched up, red face that he associates with newborns. But he thinks you're right, she's still cute. He doesn't know if it's because he knows that baby will grow up to be your daughter, but he finds his thumb caressing her little baby cheeks, the wisps of hair he can see peaking out from where she's wrapped in a baby blanket. It's then he sees she's not alone in the picture and there's a different version of you holding her.

The thing that stands out to him is how tired you look. He thinks this couldn't have been too long after you gave birth but still, he wondered if you'd gotten any rest those first few months. You still didn't like talking about your ex, or the circumstances that had led you to his apartment, but Sukuna knew that chances are you were taking care of Bug single handedly and that couldn't have been easy, cutest kid or not.

"She was beautiful, she still is." He reluctantly hands the phone back to you and you look at the picture again, tears building up in your eyes.

"She is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I-I wish that the circumstances were different in how I got her. Sometimes, I wonder how I'll explain everything to her when she's older. She just deserves so much better than him, you know?"

"You both do." Sukuna reaches over and brushes away one of the tears that had managed to fall down your cheek. He leaves his hand there a moment, holding your cheek in his palm, just appreciating the warmth.

"Do you want any?"

"What?" Sukuna isn't sure what you're talking about anymore. He can only see your lips right in front of him, the way that your eyelashes brush against your cheek as you blink faster and faster.

"Babies, do you want any?"

Something short circuits in Sukuna's brain and he wants to say, fuck yes.

He wants to tell you that he thinks about it every day. Every time you put Bug on your hip or send him youtube videos of hairstyles you want to try on her. Whenever it's late at night, and little feet pad out of your room and Bug asks him in the loudest whisper he's ever heard, if he can get her some water because she's so thirsty.

He thinks about it when the sun streams through the curtains of his apartment in the morning and it lights up your hair as you move throughout the kitchen, a force of nature, a creature from somewhere far too good to have ended up here with him.

He thinks about it when the three of you go out and people just assume you're a family, because of course you're a family. When you and Bug play some made up game, or Bug gets tired even though she denies it and he carries her sleeping form against his chest. When he holds her in his lap on the subway and you lean to rest your head on his shoulder and he feels like this, this is what he's always wanted.

He's not all pure and good though, because he thinks about it late at night in his bedroom too. After a day of your smiles, of seeing your thighs stretch out of those sleep shorts you started wearing when the weather warmed up, whenever he remembers the feel and smell of your panties when he's lucky enough to find a pair in the laundry basket, he thinks about how the two of you would make some really cute fucking babies.

He's imagined it a million ways. He's imagined you telling him you've gone off your birth control and you need him now after he takes you out on an anniversary dinner. Or him crowding you up against the kitchen counter and you begging him to put a baby in you.

His favorite fantasy is currently one where you get so carried away when you finally finally fuck that you don't ask him to wear a condom and he spends the whole night making sure you're nice and good and full of him and when you tell him a few weeks later you missed your period, he'll let you freak out. But then he'll tell you that he'll take good care of you, and Bug, and your soon to be little one and he'll finally have you, all of you and once you have your second, he'll knock you up again, as many times as he can because there could never be too many mini-you's running around.

At this point, Sukuna remembers he's talking to you, the real you and he swallows a few times before he speaks.

"I do," he says simply but something must show on his face because you're looking at him in a way you never have before. He hears your breath hitch and he leans in to kiss you, and you smell so good and his thoughts are consumed by the little family he just knows you're going to have when suddenly he's pelted by a variety of sharp, little objects.

Sukuna immediately holds up his arm to shield you from what he now sees is a barrage of wood chips which are being thrown at you by an army of toddlers, including your daughter.

You immediately get up and start talking to the kids about the danger of throwing what are basically large future splinters at people's faces and Sukuna is contemplating the murder of every child that isn't his own when you turn to look at him.

You're not just looking at him, you're seeing him and oh. Maybe he would be getting laid tonight, after all.

The slow burn is almost done folks.

thank you to the amazing reception to this series and the one-shot I posted(which there will be a prequel of soon!). it's literally so insane. Masterlist will be up tomorrow which I hope helps with accessibility!

edit: masterlist is up!

#jjk sukuna #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen sukuna #ryomen sukuna #sukuna ryomen #sukuna x reader #sukuna x y/n #sukuna x you #sukuna x singlemomreader #sukuna ryomen smut

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kirbydots · 2 years

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Being primarily a fan of the girls in any given comic universe is a truly hellish experience.

#krackle.txt #either the writing or the art makes me want to commit a felony #one or the other!

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augustinewrites · 2 months

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a/n: bcs childe would absolutely benefit from dating a lawyer (also a repost from one of my other accs!)

“finally!” childe exclaims, fist-pumping the air as he hops to his feet. “i was starting to think you’d all forgotten about me.”

tartaglia aka the eleventh harbinger aka childe had been the subject of multiple meetings you’d attended in the last few days. with him finally in custody, immunity void, everyone wanted their pound of flesh.

you roll your eyes, nodding your head for the guards to open the cell. “you’ve only been in holding for three hours.”

“three very long, very boring hours.” he briefly stretches his arms above his head, rocking on the balls of his feet as he blinks down at you. “so i take it you’re my lawyer?”

“that's correct,” you confirm, telling him your name and stepping back as the guard cuffs his hands, shoving him forward as his partner leads the two of you down the hall. you pretend not to notice as the harbinger studies the manacles, smirking as if he’s already figured a way out of them.

normally, you preferred to stay as far away as possible from the fatui— especially one as dangerous as a harbinger. as the liyue qixing’s main legal advisor, you’d already had a handful of run-ins with the snezhnayan “diplomats,” as they called themselves. while pantalone hadn’t been as cutthroat as childe in the literal sense, his wit and business savvy were just as fearsome.

yet here you were, actually representing a harbinger in court. a major conflict of interest, yes, concerning your current affiliation, but with the harbor temporarily closed for travel and public defenders up to their knees in (fatui) clients, they’d had no choice but to have you take him on as a temporary client.

a gesture of goodwill, lady ningguang had called it. so her majesty knows we gave him a fighting chance in court. our best for her best.

so yes, there was that, and there was the fact that no one else wanted to represent him.

you’re led into the interrogation room, childe moving to pull your chair out for you. “c’mon,” he urges when you hesitate, setting your bag on the table. “i may be a criminal, but my mother taught me my manners.”

you pull out the chair next to it, sitting down and leveling him with a stern look. “pulling out a chair does not cancel out the multiple felonies you’re about to be charged with.”

“please,” he laughs, taking a seat himself when you opt to drag another chair to the table. “you’re giving me way too much credit, babe. i only committed maybe one or two.”

—

“gross negligence, disorderly conduct, destruction of property–”

childe clears his throat loudly, ignoring the glare you send his way. the one that says i told you so.“technically it was lady ningguang that threw the jade chamber at osial, not me. i wasn’t even there.”

the butt of xiao's weapon hitting the floor makes a terrifying sound. that's all it takes to silence the harbinger as ganyu turns the page.

“–desecration, assault, and attempted murder. these are the charges that can be brought against your client by the liyue qixing and the liyue adepti.”

childe pushes out of his seat, slamming his palms onto the table. “attempted murder?”

“please sit down,” you urge, but your attempt to placate him is unsuccessful as he shakes off your hand. “you haven’t been found guilty yet–”

“that makes me sound weak. i got way farther than just an attempt!” he exclaims, ignoring you completely.

“archons, help me,” you mutter, averting your gaze to the heavens for strength. “ganyu,” you interrupt before your client can further incriminate himself, yanking his arm until he sits back down. “could i please have a moment alone with my client?”

“i will give you one minute,” she agrees, but while she turns to leave, xiao remains stubbornly rooted in place.

you smile sweetly at the adeptus. “xiao, if you hear me scream, you can come in here and do whatever you want to him.”

the adeptus chuckles at that (albeit very slightly) as he flashes out of the room, and childe makes an offended noise. "hey, aren’t you my lawyer? you’re supposed to be protecting me!”

your sweet smile immediately drops from your face. “i'm only here because of your right to an attorney, and because almost all of liyue harbor’s public defenders are busy representing your subordinates. ganyu only agreed to meet with us before your arraignment because she owes me a favour, so be nice.”

“well, you’re all wasting your time,” childe shrugs, alarmingly calm for someone in his position. “because i’m a snezhnayan diplomat. i have rights!”

“do you?”

“uh…i think i have rights?”

“you had rights,” you correct sharply. "you forfeited diplomatic immunity the second you decided to commit multiple, very serious criminal offences. so shut up and stop incriminating yourself further so i can do my job.”

“and you could argue that i was just doing mine,” he quips, drumming his fingers against the tabletop. “hey, how long do you think it’d take me to break out of a prison here? ‘cause i’m thinking a week at most.”

cocky bastard.

rubbing your temples, you make a mental note to never agree to represent a fatui harbinger again, even if the pay is as good as it is. “are you really looking to add felony escape to your rap sheet?”

he winks, and you question all your life decisions. “it's only felony escape if i get caught.”

“you will get caught,” you deadpan. “do you seriously think that xiao or the other adepti will let you live if they see you in anyplace but a jail cell?”

“so what? i can fight.”

they might as well convict him now.

you send him one last warning glare as ganyu and xiao return, the latter looking more disgruntled than usual as ganyu says,

“the charges against you have been dropped.”

both you and your client are silent for a moment, because—

“what?”

“holy shit,” childe exhales, nudging your shoulder with his. “you're pretty good.”

you are good, yes, but not this good. “ganyu—”

she holds up a hand. “mr. zhongli sends his regards. you'll be compensated at double your current rate for your time.”

that shuts you up, and the room falls silent at the consultant’s name.

(you wonder if childe knows. it was his purpose, wasn’t it? to draw rex lapis out and steal the gnosis.)

the awkward silence is broken when xiao clears his throat. “while it’s been maintained that the charges be dropped, the qixing and adepti agree that community service and a hefty fine shall suffice in place of a conviction.”

“sounds fair to me,” you agree, because there’s really no better deal than this. you take the contract that the adepti hand you, giving it a quick read before sliding it over to your client. “mr. tartaglia?”

childe simply hands his cuffs to a stunned guard next to him, grinning as he takes the quill from your hand. “where do i sign?”

__________

the relatively peaceful stroll back to your condo is interrupted by the sound of quick footfalls behind you. you don’t have to turn around to know it’s childe, here to make your night even harder.

“don’t you have a community to serve?”

childe bounds up next to you, an annoyingly pretty smile curling on his lips. "can’t i start with taking a pretty lawyer to dinner?”

you hope the heat you feel creeping up your neck stays hidden by your shirt collar. “it’s two in the morning.”

he grins sheepishly, rubbing the back of his neck. "ah, right. how about a drink then? i know the owner at third-round knockout.”

your pace slows as you glance toward chihu rock. the idea of going home to have a nice, long soak in the tub tugged at you, but you could use a strong glass of, well, anything after this absolute shitshow of a week.

“alright, fine,” you agree tiredly (partly because he doesn’t seem like the type to take ‘no’ as an answer). “just one drink, tartaglia, and only if you’re paying.”

_____

childe liked to watch people.

not in that way, mind you. bold and battle-hungry as he may be at times, he had always preferred silence, and by proxy, silent observation. he was never one for the long-game, but sometimes sitting back to watch and listen to those around him simply proved more beneficial. it was fun to see how people reacted to certain things, especially if the catalyst was an event he’d manipulated.

his people-watching made him an expert at reading between the lines to discern one’s true nature. he tries to apply it here, sitting with you. he doesn’t sense anything particularly hostile (other than your understandable passive aggressiveness), but your silence is heavy with distrust, and the slight the crease between your brows is marring your pretty face.

you’re hiding something. or maybe you think you are.

“stop staring at me,” you mutter without so much as a glance in his direction, the corners of your lips downturned as you sip from your glass.

undeterred, childe leans in, amused when you immediately lean away. clearly you have a good sense of self-preservation. “i’m not staring. i’m…gazing.”

“well, stop,” you warn. “it's creepy.”

a grin curls on his lips. “you like it.”

the noncommittal noise you make isn’t a ‘no,’ so childe decides to take that as a win.

“so…” he starts slowly, a finger tracing the rim of his glass. you’ve had three glasses of liquor by now, definitely not enough to warm you up to him, but hopefully enough that you’ll accidentally tell him what he wants to know in an effort to prove him wrong. “how do you know mr. zhongli?”

instead of answering, you immediately pivot with, “how do you know mr. zhongli?”

“work,” he replies with a click of his tongue. “how does a lawyer become acquainted with a funeral parlour consultant?”

“how does a harbinger become acquainted with one?”

the smartass answer would simply be to gesture to himself. death was his business, his trade, his currency— just like a funeral consultant's.

but he has a feeling the smartass answer won’t earn him more than a smack upside the head so instead he settles for, “like i said, work.”

whatever you mutter under your breath is accompanied by a roll of your eyes, so childe guesses it’s an insult. he scoots his seat closer to yours anyway. “you're from around here. what do you know about him?”

“that depends,” you shrug, swirling the amber liquid around in your glass. “i can’t tell you what i know unless you tell me what you know.”

“and i can’t tell you what i know unless you tell me what it is you know."

"hm. then i guess neither of us will know what the other knows.”

childe knows that you know (he doesn’t really, but he has a very strong feeling that you do). he doesn’t even really care if you’ll admit it or not. he just wants to find your line and see what it’ll take to get you to cross it.

which brings him to his next endeavor.

“anyway, are you single? if you are, then great! If you aren’t, i can definitely take ‘em.”

he’s not sure why you choke on your drink like you’re shocked.

“seriously, childe?” you ask, shaking your head slightly.

“why not?” he shrugs, gesturing to his mussed-up hair and scuffed clothes. “are you really saying you wouldn’t take a run at all this, given the chance?”

if looks could kill, you’d definitely be the one being charged with attempted murder. “i wouldn’t even take a walk at it."

something stirs in his frostbitten heart because, archons, you’re mean.

he’s so into it.

“i’ll grow on you eventually,” he assures you, surely almost losing a few fingers as he plays with a strand of your hair. “especially if you come work for me. i’ll double whatever the liyue qixing’s paying.”

he’d get pantalone to sign off on it somehow.

you wrinkle your nose with distaste. “work for the fatui?”

“no, no. you’ll have your hands full with just me. i commit so many felonies that you won’t have to take on another client ever,” he corrects, leaning in until his lips brush your ear. “and honestly? i don’t like to share.”

“not interested,” you say, and he laughs when you shove him away, downing the rest of your drink. “i’ll meet you tomorrow morning to get your community service hours sorted. goodnight, childe.”

all right, you're playing hard to get, childe thinks to himself as he turns back to his drink. but that's okay. the only thing more satisfying to him than catching his prey is the thrill of a good chase.

if you notice him flinch slightly when you pat this hand, you don’t notice, rising from your stool to leave. you can’t leave yet! he hasn’t weakened your defences with his wily charms and roguish good looks. “hey, wait—”

it's embarrassing how long it’d taken him to realize his hand had been stuck to the bar.

frozen to the bar, to be specific. it's even more embarrassing that he hadn’t noticed the cryo vision sitting just above the curve of your ass.

he stares at the ice cocooning his hand in genuine shock and awe. It’s crystal clear, free of any cloudy impurities. he’s from snezhnaya, he knows his ice. “this is— this is hard to do. you’re really good.”

he wonders, briefly, if you’re any good with a blade. he pictures it (fantasizes, actually), but quickly snuffs out the vision because he’s starting to get a little turned on.

but super hot, slightly homicidal guys must not be your type, judging from the way you brush off his compliment and turn on your heel, leaving him with a two-fingered salute.

“see you tomorrow, harbinger.”

he may not be your type right now, but, yeah, he’s definitely gonna change that.

a/n: if you found this on ao3 then congrats! you found my ao3. also if you made it to the end!! pls tell me what u think childe would do for community service in liyue LOL i would love to discuss

#childe x reader #genshin x reader #genshin fluff #childe fluff #tartaglia x reader

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tommy-begins · 2 years

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just saw a tiktok calling maddie by THAT name. and now i want to commit manslaughter :) jesus fucking christ what the fuck.

#i am so fucking pissed the fuck off #its literally not that fucking hard to not call her fucking k*nd*ll #what the fuck is wrong with you #its fucking BUCKLEY #god fucking damn it #making me want to commit a felony #sam rambles

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iamumbra195 · 5 months

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School Bus Graveyard incorrect quotes because I'm bored

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Taylor: Look how creepy it is looking down this hallway.

Ashlyn: I'm gonna get vertigo.

Aiden: I'm a Virgo!

Tyler, deadpan: No, you're a virgin.

...

Aiden: You lying, cheating, piece of shit!

Tyler: Oh yeah? You’re the idiot who thinks you can get away with everything you do. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD

Aiden: I’m leaving you, and I’M TAKING ASHLYN WITH ME

Logan, picking up the monopoly board: I think we’re gonna stop playing now.

...

Taylor: Why is Tyler so upset?

Logan: He took one of those “Which Character Are You?” quizzes

Taylor: And...?

Logan: He got Aiden.

...

Ashlyn: What did you do with the phantom's body?

Aiden: What didn’t I do with the body?

Everyone:

Aiden: Okay, that sounded more sexual than I intended. I disposed of the phantom respectfully.

...

Aiden: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.

Logan: Aiden, no.

Ben, with text to speech: Mistlefoe.

Logan: Please stop encouraging him.

...

Taylor: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Tyler: You’re a hazard to society

Aiden: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

...

Emma, trying to be nice to Ashlyn's new friends: Would you like to stay for dinner?

Mike, excited for his daughter: WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOREVER?

...

Logan: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?

Ben: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-

Aiden: Smad.

...

Ashlyn: Why are you on the floor?

Aiden: I'm depressed.

Aiden: Also I was stabbed, can you get Ben, please.

...

Taylor: Aiden and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us

Ashlyn, sighing: What did he do?

Taylor: he chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and...

Aiden: Who wants a steering wheel?

...

Aiden: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?

Logan: How am I supposed to know?

Tyler: You say that as if we don’t use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.

Logan: ...You wouldn't be trapped.

...

Ashlyn: Tyler, keep an eye on Aiden today. He's going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Tyler: Sure, I’d love to see him get punched.

Ashlyn: Try again.

Tyler, sighing: I will stop Aiden from getting punched.

...

Aiden, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake, what do I name him

Tyler: You did WHAT–

Ben: William Snakespeare

...

Ashlyn: Dandelions symbolize everything I want to be in life

Taylor: Fluffy and dead with a gust of wind?

Ashlyn: Unapologetic. Hard to kill. Feral, filled with sunlight, bright, beautiful in a way that the conventional and controlling hate but cannot ever fully destroy. Stubborn. Happy. Bastardous. Friends with bees. Highly disapproving of lawns. Full of wishes that will be carried far after I die.

Aiden: edible

...

Taylor, whispering to Aiden, who’s on the phone with Ashlyn: Ask her something!

Aiden: How are you feeling?

Ashlyn: Fine.

Taylor: Something personal!

Aiden: At what age did you start hearing voices?

...

Aiden: If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited

Logan: If?

Tyler: Great, the only party I’d actually go to and he might not even die.

...

Logan: We need a distraction.

Ashlyn: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises?

Aiden, whispering: My time has come

...

Tyler: Where are you going?

Taylor: To get ice cream or commit a felony, I’ll decide on the way there

Tyler: I'll come with

...

Mike, buying a whole bag of knives, guns and other weapons like he's going to war on a random Tuesday: I can explain

Jacob (shop owner): Can you?

Mike: If you give me thirty seconds to think of a lie.

...

Taylor: Heads up, if you try to make a candle with food colouring, it will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food colouring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food colouring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter.

Tyler, sighing: What did you do?

Taylor, wailing: A MISTAKE

...

Mr. Thomas: What are your goals?

Ashlyn: To pet all the dogs.

Mr. Thomas: No, I meant your goals for this trip.

Ashlyn: To pet all the dogs in Savannah.

...

Logan: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming?

Ashlyn: Does anyone in this godforsaken group ever think before they speak?

...

Taylor: Aiden isn’t answering their phone

Ashlyn: I’ll call

Taylor: Ben and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-

Aiden: Hello?

...

Aiden: I was arrested for being too cool.

Tyler: The charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

...

Aiden: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much

Taylor: You’ve been to jail?

Aiden: Once. In Monopoly.

...

Mike: You love me, right?

Emma: Normally, I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere and I don’t like it.

...

Aiden: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Ashlyn: Okay

Aiden: And make out during the scary parts.

Ashlyn: The-

Ashlyn: The scary parts?

Ashlyn: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

...

Ashlyn: How petty can you get?

Tyler: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

Taylor: I KNEW IT-

...

Aiden: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.

Logan: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

...

Mike: So what’s for dinner?

Emma, staring at the food she just burnt: Regret.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

That's all for today!

#school bus graveyard #school bus graveyard webtoon #sbg #sbg (webtoon)#ashlyn banner #aiden clark #ben clark #taylor hernandez #tyler hernandez #logan fields #mike banner #emma banner #i love those two so much #incorrect quotes #sbg incorrect quotes #incorrect sbg quotes #aidlyn #ashden

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turtletaubwrites · 6 months

Text

Wrong Side of the Bars

Thank you anon for this lovely request, and thank you all for voting on which wip I worked on next! I hope you enjoy it! 🐊

Pairings: Crocodile x Fem!Reader

Word Count: 3990

Ao3 Link

Summary: Your promotion landed you in hell, otherwise known as Level 6 of Impel Down. All you wanted to do was work this shit job so you could move on up, but there's one prisoner that won't leave you alone. It turns out those long nights go by faster with a bit of company.

Author's Note: Oh, Sir Crocodile 🐊🥰 I would cave so fucking fast

Rating/Warnings: Explicit Sexual Content, 18+ ONLY, MDNI, AFAB!Reader, She/Her Pronouns for Reader, Reader-Insert, Swearing, Smut, Pet Names, Praise Kink, Size Kink, Large Cock, Cunnilingus, Face-Sitting, Vaginal Fingering, Blow Jobs, Spit, Prison Sex, Penis in Vagina Sex, Unprotected Sex, (stay safe out there!), Hair-Pulling, Possessive Behavior, Come Eating, Biting, Bondage, Power Imbalance, I'd Commit Felonies For This Man

“You’re new.”

He wasn’t the first prisoner to try to talk to you, but he was the first that you made eye contact with. You cursed yourself for that, not wanting to make any sort of connection with these monsters as you pushed their meals through the slots, and monitored the hell that was Level 6.

“What’s a pretty thing like you doing trapped down here in the muck?”

Sir Crocodile.

You had studied all of the terrifying prisoners you’d be guarding, but there was something about this man that scared you.

That fear had to show on your face as he smirked down at you. He was so tall, at least a couple feet taller than you, and the scar that tore his face in half across his cheekbones had your mouth going dry.

He chuckled as he leaned down, the handcuffs clinking against metal as he rested his forearms on the bars, his hands dangling out of the cell.

Not hands. Hand. And a gleaming metal hook.

“Stay in your cell,” you ordered, backing up too fast as his smile widened.

Why the fuck did they let him keep that thing? It looks fucking deadly.

“My apologies, miss…” he paused, pulling his arms back as he waited for you to fill in the blank.

“You may address me as ‘guard.”

He didn’t.

Sir Crocodile called you “pretty thing” every shift.

It didn’t help that the guard post station was right next to his fucking cell. You knew this was going to be a shit job, but you were working your way up, and this promotion could get you placed somewhere cushier in the long run. Plus, the berries they had to pay to convince anyone to come down here was impressive.

These prisoners were the worst of the worst, and working down here was never going to be easy.

But you didn’t expect to have silver eyes watching your every move, matched by that silver tongue that got you flustered all too easy. You were too embarrassed to ask the other guards if he treated them the same way.

“How’s your morning going, pretty thing?”

“It’s nighttime,” you deadpanned, grimacing that you’d answered him again. It had only been a couple of weeks, but it was getting harder to ignore the only person you could talk to during these long shifts in the cold, dark, gloom of Impel Down.

“I guess it doesn’t matter down here,” he hummed, sitting on the floor close to the bars to see you better.

There aren’t even any other prisoners in this section. They were all on death row, and now I’m stuck posted next to this… this…

Admitting it to yourself pissed you off, but Crocodile was charming. And fucking hot.

He rested his head on his fist while he smirked at you, and you braced yourself for more of that deep voice.

“Why are you down here?”

The lack of the nickname added to the genuine tone in his words, and you gave in.

“I got a promotion.”

Crocodile leaned back, surprised laughter booming through the air. Your skin flushed, and he squinted up at you as he shook his head.

“You’re joking, right? A pretty thing like you, stuck in the dark? Bringing slop to bad men like me? That can’t be a fucking promotion,” he balked, tapping his hook against the bars to emphasize his point.

Gritting your teeth, you kept your eyes away from that cell as the ex warlord laughed softly to himself for the rest of your shift.

“What’s it like to have devil fruit powers,” you asked, tapping fingers on your desk as you stared at him. Barely a month had gone by, and now you were spending hours every shift talking to this dangerous criminal.

“It’d be a lot more enjoyable without this tacky jewelry,” he complained, waving the sea prism stone cuffs in the air.

“Maybe you should’ve thought of that before going all evil.”

Ice sunk to your gut as you caught his eyes. You had a feeling he was not someone to disrespect, even if he was locked up.

“I like you,” he announced, huffing a laugh.

The praise had you digging your fingers into your thighs, your voice a bit too high for the rest of the night.

“Are you seeing someone?”

“Excuse me,” you coughed, sitting up from your too relaxed position.

“I can’t imagine you have a lot of options on this rock,” he wondered aloud, tilting his head down toward you. “It has to be pretty lonely.”

Chills ran over your body as his voice went low, those innocent words laced with the promise of sin.

“That’s none of your business,” you scoffed, breathy as you tried not to squirm.

“I suppose not,” he hummed, leaning against the bars. “But you work such a stressful job. I bet you need someone to help you relax a bit. I know you deserve it.”

It was like his words were on your skin, heating you up. You didn’t realize just how fucking pent up you were until he started torturing you.

“I’d never ask you to let me out,” he assured, raising his arms in front of him, rattling the chain between his cuffs. “I know you don’t have the key to these cuffs, so there wouldn’t be a point in leaving this cage on my own anyway.”

“I’m not letting you–”

“Like I said, pretty thing, I won't leave this cell until these cuffs are gone. But I do want to give you some relief. You could join me in here for a while. We’ve got all night, no one else is around. Wouldn’t you like a little help with all of that stress?”

“No– I…” you choked out, shaking your head.

How could I let things go this far? I’ve been so unprofessional, talking to him like this.

Crocodile interrupted your internal criticism with a laugh, his eyes pouring over you.

“No worries, doll. I’m sure you’ll be thinkin’ about it later. You know where to find me when you change your mind.”

“Don’t you mean if,” you corrected, trying to gain some footing back.

“No,” he teased, giving you a sly wink before turning away, laying on his cot as he hummed to himself.

Your thoughts turned to chaotic noise as your brain tried to delete that conversation. Staring at his back while he laid down for the rest of your shift, you willed yourself to have some sense of self preservation.

Finally in your own bed, you closed your eyes, hoping to see nothing but inky blackness.

But all you could see were silver eyes, a golden hook, and a devilish smile.

Fuck.

“Why should I trust you?”

Your hoarse whisper raised his brow as he stood in front of you, your own body closer to the bars than you’d normally risk.

“I won’t survive this place alone with these cuffs on, and I’m not stupid enough to risk it. I’m fucking bored, and I could use some company. Why would I hurt the only pretty thing I get to see down here?”

Trusting this criminal would be insane. I could lose my job. I could be thrown behind bars. He could fucking kill me, even without his devil fruit powers. Don’t fucking do this. Don’t be a fucking idiot. Don’t–

“Okay,” you breathed, your crime barely audible as he watched your guilty lips.

Crocodile’s crooked grin made you shiver, and you caught yourself chewing on your lip to keep from returning a shy smile.

“Such a good girl,” he teased, stepping away from the bars. “I’m gonna take care of you.”

His praise and his promise ran through you like electricity, and your body twisted with need while you struggled with the keys.

“Take your time, sweetheart. I’m not going anywhere.”

Even his laughter felt delicious, like you needed to get closer, to taste it on your tongue.

The heavy click of metal stopped your breath, and Crocodile stood as still as a statue while the door swung open. He didn’t move a muscle, as if trying not to spook you.

Each step damned you further, until you were in the monster’s cage. You locked yourself in, the cold ring of keys stuffed into your pocket as you turned to face him.

Crocodile looked at you with such satisfaction that it made your toes curl, as if you’d already given him everything. It only took him a couple of steps to cross the room, and in a moment you were staring up at him, your body on fire with anticipation.

The chain of the cuffs stretched as he reached his hand to your cheek. That large thumb was so gentle as it stroked your skin, and you let out a sigh.

Then you gasped, his thumb just a distraction for that golden hook as it pulled at your collar, that sharp point dangerously close to your throat.

“Take these off before I ruin your little uniform.”

The words could have been a request, a command, or a threat, but the heat in his voice had you pulling at your tie, frantic to obey him.

Just as you tossed the last bit of clothing to the side, he knelt down to kiss you, pressing the bare skin of your back against the metal bars.

Crocodile kissed you with more care than you’d expected, as if he were eating a fine meal, tasting every note, enjoying the luxury he’d earned or taken. As you opened to him, he explored you, his large tongue so controlled.

Until you needed more, digging your nails into his slicked back hair, moaning into his mouth.

Thick fingers trailed between your thighs until they pulled away wet. He chuckled at the little whines you let out when he broke contact, tasting you on his fingers.

“So eager,” he hummed, resisting your grabby hands to pull him back in. “Hang on to the bars.”

You were glad for the order, because the sight of this menacing villain lying on his back, and sliding his head between your legs would have knocked you over.

“Don’t be shy, pretty thing. Let me take care of all that stress for ya.”

I can’t believe this is happening.

He laughed as you turned around, mumbling that 'the other way was fine,' before you lowered yourself down.

The first touches were like that kiss, controlled and steady. He pressed his lips against your clit, then his tongue explored, just as gentle as before.

Your hips squirmed above him as you held yourself up, until he growled against your flesh. That sensation alone sent your eyes rolling back, then his hand gripped your waist to shove you down. His hook was trapped behind your back, the chain of his cuffs rubbing against your ass with every movement.

All the control he’d shown before was gone, and you bit one of your wrists not to scream. Looking down into those wicked eyes was a mistake, as you had to fight your body not to collapse, not to send his name echoing through this desolate, stone hell.

His tongue was so long, you couldn’t believe how deep he could taste you. He invaded you, trying to eat his way inside your body, like a dog chewing through a bone. More of his moans and growls vibrated through you as you rode along the planes of his face.

“Fuck, oh gods, I’m…” you choked out, your knuckles turning white against the bars as you came on this criminal’s face.

His grip on you stayed firm as you spasmed, forcing you to stay in place while he lapped up your pleasure.

“Holy shit,” you breathed, still twitching when he finally released you. You’d barely laid beside him when he was on you, filling your mouth with the taste of you as you shivered against the stone floor.

“You taste too fucking good to be trapped down here,” he rasped between kisses, trailing his lips down your jaw and neck.

“I’m not trapped.”

His teeth clamped down, just the threat of a bite at the crook of your neck. Your breath caught, your body unable to hide the fact that it was more excited than afraid to have this predator at your throat.

Crocodile gave your body what it wanted, pressing his teeth into your flesh slowly, tracing his fingers along your thigh. You melted as the pressure grew sharp, your eyes fluttering as you gave him a breathy moan.

His tongue teased over the mark he’d made, and you were grateful for your uniform’s high collar before you forgot who and where you were again.

His fingers took that moment to find you, two plunging into your still twitching cunt. He kissed you again, tasting your moans as he added another thick finger.

Digging your nails into his arms, you struggled to breathe through his kiss as he stretched and played with you.

“Come here, pretty thing,” he teased, helping you move unsteadily toward the cot. He leaned over you, kissing your temple before breathing more promises against your ear, sending chills over your skin.

“I’m gonna fuck all of that stress out of your perfect, little body,” he whispered, letting you hang onto him as you gasped. “But first, you're gonna use that pretty mouth to get my cock nice and messy for you, alright?”

“Mhm,” you agreed, biting your lip as you watched him toss his thin pillow to the floor. He smirked at you before tugging down his striped pants. Kicking them out of the way, he sat on the bed with his legs spread wide. Those heavy balls hung down over the side of the mattress while you stared at his veiny cock.

“It’ll fit, sweetheart,” he winked, resting his arms and cuffs between his legs as he waited for you. “Just get it nice and wet for me, and I’ll show you.”

You’d already thrown out every last bit of self preservation the second you walked into this cell, so you sank down to your knees on the pillow, and looked up at him.

He was so scary.

But the satisfied way he looked at you made you want to say yes to anything, just to keep those silver eyes on your skin. He lifted his arms over you until you were caged between his long legs and the meat of his body, with the chains on his wrists tickling your back.

Taking him in your hands, you almost lost your nerve as you moved along that velvet girth, but his deep voice pulled you back.

“Mm, just like that, beautiful.”

Desperate for more of that praise, you pressed your lips to his swollen tip. His mouth parted when you tasted that bead of precum, teasing it around his tip with your tongue while your hands kept stroking his length.

The noises he made were low and pleased as you took what you could of him into your mouth. You gave everything, tasting and sucking him becoming your only purpose, spurred on by more intoxicating words.

“So gorgeous with your mouth all full. Just a little sloppier now. You can drool on my cock like a good girl, can’t ya?”

Moaning around him, you let as much spit as you could drip down his shaft, gasping when he grabbed your hair to pull him off of you.

A line of spit connected your lips to his cock as you blinked up at him. His eyes were dark, and you whimpered as he tightened his fingers in your hair, the sensation arching your back.

“Lay down,” he commanded as he released your hair, standing slowly to tower above you. He tugged the thin blanket off the bed with his hook, holding it out to you with a dangerous tilt to his head.

Spreading the fabric across the rough floor, you laid down with the pillow under your head. He watched your every move, his stillness making your breath shallow again.

You didn’t just want to be meek prey for this crocodile to devour. You wanted to devour him back.

I want this.

Meeting his dark eyes with your own, you spread your thighs, teasing your fingers over your clit.

“I’m wait–”

Crocodile went to his knees, cutting you off with a laugh. He caged you in with his elbows above your head, the sound of metal hitting stone making you gasp.

“Barely had a taste, and my pretty thing's already greedy? Show me where you want it,” he taunted, rubbing that thick length through your folds.

Just the touch of him had your eyes rolling back, but you obeyed. You wrapped shaky fingers around him, guiding him to your entrance before you tried, and failed, to relax.

“Breathe deep for me, babydoll. You want me to fill you up, don’t you,” he rasped, pressing just the tip of him inside, already bringing a moan to your lips.

“That’s right,” he praised as you tried not to squirm away from his slow invasion. “I knew you’d love taking my cock. Mm, I felt that. Is that what you want, pretty thing? You want mean ol’ Crocodile to fuck you deep?”

The stretch had taken your thoughts, left you with tears in your eyes, and the hint of drool in the corner of your lips.

All you could do was pant, and whine, and beg.

“Please, fuck me, Crocodile. I–”

He hadn’t met your hips yet, but he drew himself out and started fucking into you, tearing a scream from your throat.

Without stopping, he brought his large hand to cover your mouth, the chain of his cuffs hitting against the top of your head with every thrust.

Crocodile slowed down, rocking his hips up into you. He pushed further, until you were shaking at the sensation of him fully hilted, stretching you further than you’d ever felt.

His hand left your face as his voice rolled over you again.

“As much as I wanna hear you screaming my name, you’ve gotta keep it down. Can you do that for me, pretty?”

“Mhm,” you whined, needing him to start moving again.

Another filthy scream left your throat, until you choked on two large fingers.

“Looks like you need to practice your fucking manners, sweetheart,” he scolded, gagging your screams away while he fucked you across the stone floor, the blanket slipping away bit by bit with each powerful thrust.

Every single thing about this moment was overwhelming, and as much as Crocodile’s praise had sent you leaping into danger, his scolding words made you shatter into pieces. Your orgasm crashed over you, your nails raking over any part of him you could reach while pleasure made your body thrash.

“Fuuckk, you’re taking my cock so well.”

He emphasized those words with his body, filling you completely, over and over again

“When I get out of here, I’m taking you with me. No more dungeons for my perfect, pretty thing. You hear me?”

He huffed a laugh when you moaned around his fingers again, then his thrusts went ragged as he gave you more orders.

“Come for me while I fill you up, pretty. Play with that little clit. I wanna feel this pussy milking– Ha, you’re such a good girl.”

You were barely human anymore, with your eyes crossed as drool trailed down your cheek where his fingers pressed into your mouth, and your spasming flesh that begged for more abuse as he fucked you into the stone.

“So good for me,” he grunted, pumping into you a few more times as you felt his thick cock pulsing and twitching. “My pretty thing…”

The heat and pressure of his come pouring into you had you arching your back, whimpering around his fingers as he whispered those last few words, claiming you in ways he couldn’t mean.

You were fucking lost. As unreal as the night had seemed, it felt as if it were the only real night you’d ever had. All the adrenaline and pleasure had made you fucking high, and you were still reeling when he left you empty. He pulled you gently until your head was in his lap as he sat against the wall, wiping the drool from your cheek.

“So, how’s that stress now, babydoll? Feel better,” he asked with that crooked smile.

“Fuck,” your breathed, your eyes going wide with panic as the real fucking world crawled back into your brain.

I’m fucked. I’m gonna get fired, or arrested, or fucking killed, or–

“Hm. Looks like you need another round to clear that up for you.”

A nervous laugh escaped you, and you clamped your hand over your mouth, afraid of him again.

“Don’t worry,” he rasped, licking his lips as he looked down your body. “I’ll just clean up the mess I made. Then you can pretend you never let Sir Crocodile fuck you in his dirty prison cell. Is that what my pretty thing wants?”

Your mind was still screaming, but your body knew. It wanted that skilled tongue to drink every drop of him out of you, and he laughed again when you moaned at the thought.

The ex warlord was gentle, cleaning the evidence with his tongue, and bringing you to bliss one more time as he sucked on your clit like a piece of candy. He kissed along your body, a mix of teasing and praise floating over you, until his gentleness ended.

“What,” you groaned, blinking your eyes open while he shook your face with a firm grip on your jaw.

“It’s time to go sweetheart.”

“Oh. Oh.”

The criminal sat on his cot, grinning at you while you panicked, teetering on one foot when you pulled your pants on.

“Is everything–”

“You look fine,” he soothed, still smirking. “You look like a guard, although you’re still on the wrong side of the bars.”

Nodding too fast, you pulled the heavy keys out of your pocket, but they clattered to the floor as fingers twisted into your hair.

Crocodile yanked you toward him, the sensation of him holding you this way going from delicious to terrifying in seconds. All you could do was stare up into those cold eyes, all of your self defense training evaporating in the presence of such a predator.

“I may be stuck in this cage for now,” he warned, leaning his face down to yours, “but you’re mine. Do you understand?”

Your body responded before you could think, your eyes rolling back as you gasped.

“There’s my pretty thing,” he praised, kissing away the fear as he loosened his grip on your hair. “Now go get some rest. You’ve got a long night of work ahead of you tomorrow, don’t you?”

Sitting at the guard post for the rest of your shift felt surreal. You knew that you had stepped out of that cell, and locked the door. You knew that he was still trapped, and you were still free. But even though you were the one with his mark left on your body, it felt like he’d kept a piece of you in that cage with him.

Still, your mind and body struggled between fear, and the memories of his voice and his touch while you pleaded with the clock for your shift to end so you could take a fucking shower.

Crocodile left you alone for once, this little corner of hell silent for the first time in weeks. Yet, you knew he wasn’t asleep. Out of the corner of your eye, you could see him sitting on his cot, darkness shrouding everything except for the faint gleam of gold.

The shift finally ended, and your steps echoed through the hall. The words you’d heard at the end of every shift for weeks met your ears again, but now they set you on fire, fear and desire speeding your pulse.

“Goodnight, pretty thing.”

Likes, comments, and reblogs bring me much ✨dopamine✨ thank you so much!

a/n: Shit job, but the benefits sound nice 😈🐊

Tag List: @shewrites02 | @jadeddangel

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#fic requests #sir crocodile smut #sir crocodile x reader #sir crocodile #one piece smut #smut #one piece x reader #x reader #fem!reader #reader insert #turtletaub fics

542 notes · View notes

skylarsblue · 2 years

Text

I still have more. More Incorrect Quotes.

(Accidentally had a lot more fem!Y/N than intended but it's overall GN!) Alex: What made you think you’d be good for the military? Y/N: I worked at a Waffle House in America. Alex: Ah, alright, that makes sense.

-- (Interrogating Valeria)

Y/N: Look, Gaz, you know me. I can't- I can't do it. Gaz: Why not? Why can't you interrogate her? Y/N: Because I'm a bisexual with mommy issues, Gaz. And she's as pretty as she is scary. I'm already not that intimidating, she'll laugh at me when I start stuttering and then I'll just be horny. It can't be me. Gaz: ....okay, I'll ask Alejandro-

-- Y/N: I just realized something...I had a bad childhood. Gaz: Yeah we know. Y/N: What do you mean you know? Soap: Look at how you stand! People who had good childhoods don't stand like that. Y/N: How do I stand?! Gaz: Like Ghost. Ghost: ...I don't appreciate the call out but fair-

-- Price: Where are you going?! Y/N: To either get ice cream or commit a felony, I'll decide in the car!

-- Ghost after watching Fem!Y/N do an incredibly risky move: I just...Is she blind?? Suffering some form of brain damage?

-- (Tw; Hollywood Undead unalive song)

Y/N: My legs are dangling off the edge, the bottom of the bottle is my only friend, I think I'll sli- Price: EXCUSE ME?! WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT?? Y/N: Wh- No Captain, it's just a so- Price: GHOST GET THE BASE PSYCH ON THE PHONE Y/N: CAPTAIN IT'S A SONG I'M FINE- Well I'm not bUT NO WAIT HANG ON-

-- Valeria: *screaming in spanish* Y/N: ... Gaz: Don't. Y/N, blushing: I'm trying-

-- (During movie night; watching Venom)

Y/N: *pauses on that scene where Venoms sticks his tongue out at the guy in the street* ....Hear me out- Gaz: NO! NO. Y/N: NO NO LISTEN, LISTEN- Soap: Let them speak. Gaz: Don't encourage this! Y/N, pointing at the screen: LOOK AT IT! LOOK! Objectively you have to understand- Gaz: NOOO, it eats people! Soap: THAT TONGUE IS THREE FEET LONG AT LEAST! Gaz: No, I will not be hearing anyone out! I- GHOST, Ghost, back me up. Tell them they shouldn't want to fuck the ALIEN. Ghost, looking at the screen: Ethically, it's wrong. Gaz: Thank you. Ghost: ...objectively- Y/N: AHA! SEE?!

-- Ghost: *bends over* Y/N: *silently flips out* Soap, quietly: Wh-what? What are you-?! Y/N: SHHH *grabs Soap's jaw and turns him to look* Soap: *slack jaw* Damn- Y/N: fuckingdamnindeed- Ghost: *turns around* Soap: So it's your turn to pick dinner, what're you thinking? Y/N: Oh I dunno, maybe something pork related, uh, or cake- Soap: Aha, yeah...cake. Ghost: ....??

Fem!Y/N: I am not the mom of 141, that's ridiculous. Someone: You make all of them lunch every day with fruit cut into shapes, IN PERSONALIZED LUNCH BOXES Fem!Y/N: They need nutrition! Someone: You color code their items- Fem!Y/N: Look, if you were there for the item mix-ups you'd understand. Someone: YOU ARE LITERALLY FOLDING AND LABELLING THEIR LAUNDRY WITH A SHARPIE ON THE TAGS. Fem!Y/N: *holding Simon's skull boxers, writing his name on the tag* That- ...oh my god I'm the mom.

-- Ghost, watching Soap run past: WHAT DO YOU HAVE?! Soap, grinning & sprinting: A FUCKIN' BOMB Ghost: NO!!!

-- Price: Y/N, this is Lieutenant Riley, you can call him Ghost. Ghost: Y/N, looking him up and down: ...you got daddy issues? Ghost: ....maybe Y/N: Cool, same. Pleasure to meet'cha, sorry life gave you shit. Ghost, shaking their hand: Ditto. Price: *concerned sigh*

-- Price, walking into the common area at 10 pm: What in the world- Gaz, Soap, and Y/N: *all in there pyjamas with face masks on, eating snacks* Y/N: *slowly keeps chewing* Gaz: ...heeeyy siiirr... Price: It was lights out an hour ago, what are you lot doing? Soap: *slowly raises another face mask* ....Self care, sir? Price: ... Ghost, walking in at midnight for water: ....what. Soap, Gaz, Price, and Y/N: *stop gossiping* Gaz: ....hey. Soap: Evenin' L.T. Y/N: Howdy. Ghost: *looks at Price with a face mask on* Ghost: ...*sighs and sits down* Pass the Goldfish. Soap: Yeaaaah, good man! Welcome to the party!

-- Shepard: Is anyone here straight?! Price: ...*hesitantly raises hand* Laswell: *pushes his hand back down*

-- Valeria: *angry ranting* Y/N, a captive: Stop being so mean to me or I swear to god I'm gonna fall in love with you!

-- Ghost: What in the hell are you doing? Y/N: Laying in the rain. Ghost: Why? Y/N: If I lay here long enough, it feels like it washes the sad away. So I'm gonna lay here until the sad is gone. Ghost: You'll get sick. Y/N: Better sick than sad, sir. Ghost: ...*looks at the sky, back down, sighs* Ghost: *lays down on the tarmac* Y/N: Got a lot of sad? Ghost: ...Yeah. Y/N: If the rain doesn't take care of it, let's trade sads. Then it'll at least be a different kind of sad. Ghost: Not sure you want my sad. Y/N: Maybe not, but I don't think you should have to handle your sad alone either. Ghost: ...alright. Y/N: Cool.

-- Price: Simon, it's three o' clock in the morning. Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding? Ghost: Because I've lost control of my life.

-- Soap, with a gunshot wound: Do I regret it? Yes. Will I do it again? Most likely.

-- Y/N after doing something so badass it would fit in a movie: ...DID EVERYONE SEE THAT?? CAUSE I WILL NOT BE DOING IT AGAIN.

-- Ghost: You kidnapped the prime minister's daughter? That's illegal! Soap: Okay, Ghost, but what's more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing the prime minister's daughter, or destroying 141? Ghost: KIDNAPPING THE PRIME MINISTER'S DAUGHTER, JOHNNY! Fem!Y/N: Do you guys have like, a water or something? Snack maybe? No?

-- Y/N: I think there's been some confusion. I'm not the one in trouble here. Enemy Soldier: ...What? Y/N: There are only four of you. You'll need more than that. Gaz, hearing it over the intercom: ...they're gonna whoop-ass but we should probably go help them.

-- Someone: Why are you doing their straps for them? Price: They don't like velcro. Someone: Just do it yourself! Y/N: I'm not touching that stuff! I'll get neurotypical cooties.

-- Y/N, high on painkillers: If yo leg get cut off, would it hurt? Soap, in a hospital bed beside them: ...DUH Y/N: How though? Soap: Cause your leg got cut off! Y/N: Where you gonna feel the pain? Soap: In your le.... Y/N: Exactly bro! How you gonna feel the pain in yo leg if- Both: If your leg is gone! Soap: Whoooaaa... Y/N: Bro I swear, we're geniuses. Ghost, on his last brain cell: Fuckin'ell.

-- Ghost, about to lose his shit: Dear lord, I know we haven't spoken in a long time but if you could give me a little patience-

-- Gaz: Do you believe in God? Y/N: ...Yes & no. Gaz: Yes & No? What do you mean? Y/N: I believe there is a higher power, I believe a God exists. But...believing in God? Now that...haven't done that in a long time.

Gaz & Y/N: *dancing* Ghost: Can you two be serious for five seconds? Gaz, bustin' a move: Dunno sir, can you have fun for five seconds? Y/N: *stops and looks at Gaz* Gaz: *stops and is filled with instant regret* ...uh, sir, I- Ghost: Tell you what. I'll give you five seconds...to start running- Gaz: *turns to run and sees Y/N already yards away* YOU LEFT ME?! Y/N: I WANNA LIVE!!!!

-- Ghost: What are they doing? Price: Arguing in morse code. Soap: - .... .- - .----. ... / .-- .... -.-- / -.-- --- ..- .-. / ... .... --- . ... / .-. .- --. --. . -.. -.-- Gaz: -.-- .- / -- --- -- -- .- Soap: YOU FUCKIN' TAKE THAT BACK-

-- Soap: Keep your eyes closed, I have a surpriiisee!~ Ghost: You did your paperwork? Soap: I said surprise, not miracle.

-- Y/N, on tiktok: FOR ALL YOU NASTY ASSES IN MY DMS- *shows the team* THIS IS MY TEAM. STOP SENDING MY DICK PICS OR I WILL SEND THEM AFTER Y'ALL. Ghost: You've been getting dick pics? Soap: Who the hell's been harassing you online?! Y/N: SEE?? THEY'LL WHOOP YA ASS, SO LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE!

-- Y/N, on tiktok again: Alright, backfired on me. For all of y'all who are now trying to be nasty by THIRSTING for my teammates, uh, no. Stop askin' for my Captain's marital status, I'm not gonna tell you. No you may not get my teammate's dicks, I will not be giving you their social media, stOP ASKING I KNOW THEY'RE HOT BUT NO-

-- (I've fallen down the rabbit hole of Karen compilations, so, that's why I thought of this)

Y/N: Goodbye sir! Male Karen: Fuck you bitch! Go suck off your captain you fuckin' whore!! Y/N: Sure, I'll do that, goodbye! Male Karen: Suck my dick, whore! Y/N: Can't! It's too full of military dick, you'll need to make an appointment, GOODBYE!! Soap: *wheeze* Gaz: Jesus. Christ. Ghost: I told you all America is shit.

(Bonus Note cause I can't put in anywhere else; on the topic of Venom + C.o.D. I know we have Soap in place of Eddie & Ghost in place of Venom, but hear me out. Y/N! being Ghost's host and Johnny being a third part. P o l y ! A u !)

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