#this little girl isn't me anymore
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I want to live!!! I WANT TO LIVE!!!! I WANT TO MAKE GOOD FOOD!!!! I WANT TO WAKE UP ON A WARM BED!!!! I WANT KISSES!!!! I WANT HUGS!!!! I WANT PEOPLE TO LOVE!!!!! I WANT TO BE A GOOD FRIEND!!!! I WANT TO HAVE A FAMILY NOT TIED BY BLOOD OR HIRARCHY!!!! BUT BY COMMUNITY!!!!! I WANT TO BE GOOD!!!! I WANT TO MAKE GOOD ART!!!! I WANT TO GO TO THE MOVIES!!!! I WANT WARM FOOD AND SUN ON MY FACE!!!! I DON'T WANT TO WORRY ABOUT TOMORROW!!!! I WANT TO BE FREE!!!! TO BE FREEE!!!! TO BE HAPPY!!!! I WANT COMFORT!!!! I WANT TO LIVE!!! I WANT TO LIVE!!!! I WANT TO BE KIND!!!!!!
#Everytime I say I want to die theres a little girl in my head that screams it#this little girl haven't been around for a lot#this little girl isn't me anymore#but I do it for her#I do it for her#recovery core#recoverycore#important#me
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The Spirealm 致命游戏 (2024) | Ep. 12
#the spirealm#致命游戏#kaleidoscope of death#ruan nanzhu#lin qiushi#tan zaozao#xia zhiguang#huang junjie#lu menglin#cdrama#cdramasource#kodedit#userhanyi#*gifs:mine#there's no rhyme or reason to my rewatch anymore i'm just watching episodes based purely on vibes alone#listen nanzhu you're the one who wanted to drown him out#anyway zaozao is best girl#this makes me laugh every time i watch it#in terms of best zaozao moments#this is right up there with the sanatorium episode where she's like *sigh* but isn't //everyone// a little unwell?#and nanzhu and lingling simultaneously turn around to stare at her like O_O
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If little goody-two-shoes, 13-year-old Christian girl Daisy who just started developing a like for tickling could see what she was doing now? Meeting people on the internet and traveling to see them? Some of which are much older who tie her down with bondage and consensually overestimate her until she safe words?
Poor thing 😉
#daisy loves tickles#daisy confessions#im not who I was#im a changed woman#look at me now mom#or don't that would terrify me#sorry not sorry#your little girl isn't so little anymore
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having one of those mid-20s moments where you're like well damn. im really not a teenager anymore i dont hate myself anymore actually. like its insane
sorry i gotta ramble but this feels too silly to post anywhere else
#kk.txt#not snz#like for a while even the thought of like admitting i didn't hate myself felt like.. like i was being full of myself#idk what clicked in my brain a few years ago but it felt like i started to see myself more and like understand myself as a person#like i would a friend. and i just didn't think like that before i guess lmao#but like idk i dont talk about my personal life much but ive been recovering from post-pandemic agoraphobia#and i just went on my first big trip alone and im like. god its barely there anymore its just a little shadow in the corner of my mind#that only spreads occasionally now instead of overwhelming me#like im still terrible at a lot a lot a lot of social interaction type stuff but im like.. doing better than i thought id be able to#a few years ago. like idk im not good at.. change and especially conceptualizing myself as someone who can change and be fluid#like i really do think a majority of my person like my core morals and demeanor havent changed that much. and i like that#it makes me feel more secure to be that way#but at the same time its like my mental image isn't nearly as self hating as it used to be#like i used to picture myself as coming off basically the same way as that girl from watamote lmao like#ugly greasy awkward offputting weird#but now im like.. im just some guy... like yeah i have less experience putting effort into my appearance and i slouch and i have acne#but i am also capable of looking good occasionally. i dont need to do it all the time#ok i got off the bus and my train of thought died goodbye
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Not a request just a funny thought. I just am positive that if Yuu/you and Mal bang, Lilia will ALWAYS know. It’s the dad senses in him. Especially if his room is right next door to Malleus.
Next morning:
Lilia: 😏😏😏 Have fun?
HAHAHA this is absolutely canon. He's proud as hell, too.
It's a combination of his dad senses, his age, and also the fact that Malleus can't hide his emotions for anything. Let's say he banged outside of Diasomnia, theoretically far away from peepaw's bat ears and prying eyes. You know damn well Malleus is walking around like a changed man after that. Lilia later swears that not even his coronation had such an impact on the dragon fae.
He's walking around with a stupid smile on his face. He's glowing. Confidence increased ten fold. He just discovered the meaning of life. He's got a hazy look in his eye and he didn't hear what you just asked him because he's too busy replaying the sex over and over again in his head. Oh, there was a student party and they forgot to invite him? Who cares! He was having sex. He was banging child of man. He could be having sex right now. He should b– *fireflies*
Also I don't know about y'all, but if I'm gonna have sex with Malleus for the first time, I'm sure as hell gonna ask Lilia for advice before I do it. I've certainly never had sex with a fae, nor a draconic fae, nor one of the top 5 powerful mages in the world. I'd like to know what I'm getting myself into! What happens if I ask the dude who can break open a coconut with his bare hands to "go faster! harder!"? How do I know his semen isn't lime green and acidic to humans? Is he gonna transform into a dragon if he gets too into it? Am I gonna wake up the next morning to an egg in my bed?! Lilia, stop laughing at me! These are very serious questions!
#Malleus Draconia#Lilia Vanrouge#sometimes I ask myself - does Malleus even know what sex is? Did Lilia give him the talk?!#Also I used to live with my mom and my grandma#The day after I lost my virginity age 21 my grandma came up to me and gave me a hug and said “my little girl isn't a little girl anymore”#I DIDN'T SAY SHIT!!!!!!!!! I DIDN'T ELUDE TO ANYTHING#HOW are old people like this#‧͙+ ̊*・༓☾ Erica Answers ☽༓・* ��+‧͙
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Dear PTJ, please develope your female characters
Someone complaining abt the way PTJ writes his female characters (truly, a never seen before concept); 1st Afilliate Arc and Cheongliang Arc spoilers (at this point, I think most people are up to date w/ the story, but I'm still gonna put this warning just in case)
Look, I don't take Lookism super seriously. In fact, I think I never did that, mainly thanks to the outlandish concepts it had since the beginning. I'm just here to have fun at this point, and to finally learn the truth about Daniel's 2nd body (omg, it's been 400+ chapters-).
I definitely wasn't expecting to find super well written female characters (even though I definitely should, it's 2024, for God's sake-), something a good number of fighting-related webtoons seem to struggle with. But damn, does Lookism waste its female characters in a way not many have done before.
Since the focus of the story has shifted primarly towards fighting and taking down the Four Crews and Charles Choi, I'm gonna focus on two of the characters most connected to these aspects: Mary Kim and Crystal Choi (ik Lua and Sally are also connected in this way, but I don't really have a lot to say about them and, besides, they've already been covered by another user here on Tumblr)
Mary Kim
The perfect opportunity to get her more involved came up not so long ago, in the ep just before the Allied vs 1st Afilliate fight properly started. We see Mary's reaction upon hearing Vin Jin tell her that Taejin Cheon is alive; we can see her anger asclear as day both in her expression and her words. She literally expresses how much she wants to kill this guy.
And yet, PTJ doesn't make her go and get her revenge. Instead, we have Vin Jin basically saying that he will do it for her because 'his hands are already dirty" (i heavily paraphrased his words, but you get it), which to me, at least, doesn't make sense.
Time and time again we see how close the two of them are in spite of the many jabs they throw at each other. Even without knowing the details of their shared past in Cheongliang (which comes up a couple episodes later), it's very strange that she would let Vin jin go to face him just like that.
By this point, it's already stablished that he murdered somebody, an act that even if deserved by the deceased person, takes a mental toll on the one who does it. Taking this into account, I don't see why Mary would just let who's basically her best friend go through the same thing again, alone. And I especially don't see why she would obey him and stay behind. Her, Mary, the person who never takes Vin Jin's bullshit and always calls him out.
Why not have them both go together? It would be a great opportunity to 1) deal with the last negative reminder of their past, and gain a little bit of closure once and for all, and 2) have Mary finally fight seriously and be able to demonstrate why she's called 'The Empress of Two Seconds' and why she's considered so strong.
We've only seen her take down minor opponents a very, very small number of times, all of which are altercations that don't ever last too long (i guess this last thing is to back up her nickname but, eh)
TLDR: Let Mary dirty her hands as much as Vin. Let them take down together one of the people who has brought them so much pain as the pair of strong besties they are. Stop telling us how strong she is and actually commit to showing it.
__
Crystal Choi
Oh boy, this character-
Like, you mean to tell me that the sole offspring/child of the Big Bad Guy tm the protagonist and his friends are meant to take down, who also happens to be friends with said protagonist, doesn't play a major role on the story? Absolutely insane
And that isn't even taking into account that she also has 2 bodies, which is something only one other character (Daniel, the PROTAGONIST), has and is a major plot point
I'd like to see her be more aware of her privilege as a rich person. Yeah, she was relentlesstly bullied and undermined for her appeareance (which is a horrible thing for anybody to go through) but at least she wasn't poor, too. Does she actually use her money or her status as the daughter of one of the richest men in Korea to change things or solve problems?
Jay literally bought an ambulance of the same type used by the 1st Afilliate so that Allied could sneak in, so why can't Crystal do something similar to help them, too? She helped them during the Gambling Arc by bringing Kouji
I'd like to see her realize and come to terms with the fact that her father's a horrible person. I don't think she knows everything that's going on behind closed doors, but she's definitely smart enough to have noticed that there's something shady going on with his bussiness.
Let her discover the truth. Let her pick either her father's or Daniel's side (the latter which I believe is the most plausible, since she doesn't seem the type to excuse murder, extorsion, etc.). She could act as an informant, helping Allied from the inside.
Heck, you could have her fight, too, if you wanted to. She trained with Gun, after all. And yeah, maybe she's not as strong as the other characters, but we know that she can hold her own against most people. We've seen it.
TLDR: how the hell do you set up a character with so much potential and don't do anything with it. Also, think abt the angst potential!
________________________________________________
Final thoughts, I guess:
I think that Crystal siding with Allied has a higher chance of happening than PTJ letting Mary fight. There's still a good chunk of the story yet to be told, so anything could happen.
I'm actually considering believing that the reason we rarely see the female characters is that they, also, are working secretly to take down the Four Crews and it's gonna get revealed in the last arc for the sake of my sanity
#whyyy wont tumblr let me edit this anymore#i could also talk abt how there's little to no variation in the fem character's body types#or faces#even the male background nameless characters whose only purspose is to be knocked out in 1 single panel have more diversity#lookism#lookism webtoon#i also find it weird how mary's made fun for being fat during the cheongliang arc#and rather it's always framed as a joke/a funny moment we should laugh at#it wasn't funny the 1st time#and it isn't funny now either#and what abt haera shin? the girl in charge of that one squad of people whose job is to fight?#when do we get to see her kick ass?#mospeaks#how do you fumble THIS bad?#fr#mary kim#crystal choi
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eve didn't get bitten... taylor chose this career... try and come for my job...
#jo in the tardis*#the prophecy is so much better if you act like taylor swift isn't making stuff up about the bible accidentally#she chose this! she LOVES this! and still... and still... *cut to the bolter* HEARTS ARE HERS FOR THE BREAKING#it's so delicious if you're like... she is the fucked up deity who came up with the prophecy and keeps prolonging its effect#it's kind of degrading to view her as the victim and the victim only... who's afraid of little old me isn't dependent on a particular event#all that would've rose up to the surface without a particular event to cause it too... she is half-enjoying all of it#when she was six in frigid water!!!!#she can't help but chase that same thrill... amazing!!!!!#but daddy i love him being more about the rebellion than whatever guy's in the picture. that's temporary. the manuscript isn't.#i think this is the primary reason why i appreciate this record more than midnights. she's back to being honest#she just can't be honest in a country taylor way anymore because her fame is sky high and she is not a little girl#and this is her all-consuming truth!#she will always ultimately choose madison square
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i'm not gonan do it i'm not gonna do it i'm not gonna fo it i'm not gonna do it
#chatterye#i'm not gonna get into this series i cannot#i will not do it#i cannot read slice of life shoujo anymore#i cannot do it it'll ruin my life#i will not succumb to it#someone take it out of my life i cannot afford to get into this series#i'm not strong enough for this those kinds of stories kill me#it'll eat me alive#this is about that fragrant flower manga btw#that stupid delinquent who stops dying his hair because of a pretty and smart little girl#NO. i will not give in.#last time i gave in was horimiya and it DID RUIN MY LIFE#i'm incredibly bad with shoujo it stresses me out like . really bad#you think horimiya had anything to stress anyone out? WRONG but i was stressing#found family happy characters character development#it causes me so much stress for whatever reason i need there to be tragedy that isn't like a miscomm#i need someone to die a tragic death that's why i could watch and read like orange or your lie in april#also shoujo second hand embarrassment is on another level i can't do it#this is real and serious for me btw it'll wreck havoc on my life
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thinking pondering to me john torres is like. what if u met a woman. with confidence and dignity and a strong moral backbone. you meet and she makes a distinct impression with her honesty and her frankness and she seems like she's always sure of what she wants and what she needs and she's so different from anyone else you know and thats exciting and she's exciting and she likes you specifically you. and you don't think much of you but it feels good to be liked by someone like that. you love her of course. you marry her. of course!
#diary#miral of course miral this post as all other posts on my blog is about miral. head in my hands#john torres and his projected insecurities and shitty behavior you will always be infamous.#im so deeply rooted in my headcanons for them i have au's . girl the universe isnt even that well established ?#call me b'elanna torres the way i'm turning miral and john over in my head to figure out what the heck happened#in my head john and miral are like. john voice she's never stuttered in her life she always knows what to do she's very serious strong head#on her shoulders. my kind of woman.#meanwhile miral is like. act first pray on it later was that a mistake? well what is a mistake really this is my path now#and i'll have to see how to handle what has been done. seeing as now it can't be changed shrugs. the honorable thing to do.#i also think they see a lot of their flaws as like-#consequences of their cultures and not like personal flaws which can sometimes be true but also sometimes they are very much flaws in the#person.#miral is a little too sure of herself bordering on arrogance and likes control. john is like ahh klingons and their surefootedness :)#<- a little correct but also very wrong.#john is very like. at his worst a cold shoulder bad at personal confrontation kind of a pushover quick to resent but usually just seems#serious and occasionally quiet . normally social tho! so miral is like. a consequence of his upbringing that can't be changed. i will#take him as he is.#which is a nice sentiment and would normally be applied well unless you are these two specifically.#what happens when its 10 or even just five years later and you're getting tired of the cowardice? what happens when its five years later and#you can't go a day without arguing? what happens then.#did you confuse her arrogance for poise for assertiveness? did you confuse her recklessness with courage? whos wrong her or you?#miral voice is he a fool does he not care? he's content to just stand by? cower?#i think from the klingon pov a man who isn't willing to fight for you and your relationship must be devastatinggggg#not literally of course here but also literally. lol#but yeah what does it do to you when the person you love won't even argue with you anymore just totally pulls away? leaves. head in my hands#who do you think fell first. idk but i know who fell harder! :) <- tears in my eyes#i really like pathways where they made miral like a chatty woman and had her offer to host parties for b'elanna and her friends it was so#sweet i should read it again.#i like her to be a little crazy though <3 :)
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i am being so fucking autistic about a video game i've only played an hour and a half of and have absorbed like 99% of my information about through osmosis from my bestie(s. it's complicated) and fanfiction. catastrophic levels of autism. i can't stress this in words i don't think y'all understand. or care honestly sdflkjfdskdfsjsfdkj-
#puppy rambles#slightly hurts to know no one seems to really care but eh. can't blame anyone i know y'all follow me for rhythm heaven#i think i have been making high-quality posts though y'all aren't appreciating my incomprehensible rambles about persona enough </3#/lh#(which is funny since this blog isn't even really a rhythm heaven blog anymore i don't think that'll be my main hyperfixation for a bit)#(if ever. it was uhhhhhh. kindddddd of unhealthy. haha lol xd :3)#(turns out a rhythm game that i barely interact with the fandom for is not stimulating enough for my adhd and autism!!! shocking i know)#(i still love rhythm heaven but it was bad for my brain-)#(i'm happy for all the friends i made through it though :333 even if i've only talked to like. one or two of you guys cuz of anxiety)#(and even then just through asks because the idea of interacting with people on tumblr through other means honestly terrifies me)#anyways it's going down now persona 3 reload bops hard idk 99% of the lyrics though#persona songs are good at being incomprehensible. even if you can understand the lyrics i think they're kinda nonsensical sometimes#i mean. check it out i'm in the house like carpet. that's an actual line from a persona song#which is hilarious to me. funniest metaphor#anyways wiping all out is the best persona song i think (<- only actually remembers what like 10 persona songs sound like)#been a little while but i'm still prattling. not a princess (a lot of anger in it) not your cutie girlfriend oh no don't you know#three dots connect to rectangles. demolition#yes i did specifically play p3p and specifically as girl. i probably won't play it more for a while now tho tbh#i kinddddd of spoiled myself on. basically all of the important plot points. through lesbian fanfiction#look can you really blame me. like *vaguely gestures* the door and the toaster are fucking KISSING#they should undoor. i knowwwwww it goes against the game's message but. shut up. i like happy endings#no dead lovers allowed over here >:(#they deserve to be happy and not crucified
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seb. seb hes not smiling. and has a fatui background................
I knowwwwww he's still everything to me you do not know how smitten I am with Lyney as a character
#he's soooo#i love it when the silly magicuan has a mysterious past and isn't actually allll that silly#I'm a little angry at the traveler for reacting the way they did at the end if the archon quest ngl#how is Lyney so different from Ajax please explain to me why you think him beingba fatuus is unacceptable but Ajax can get away with almost#commiting genocide#i mean ik it's kimd of about the withholding of information but come on.#they were nothing but nice to you the entire time cut them some slack and give them the benefit of the doubt will you#and god lyney in his voicelines is so. is flirty the right word he certainly is very very friendly good god man#Lyney and Lynette can do no wrong in my opinion I'd forgive them about anything#i don't mind the fatui that much tbh i mean yeah sure as an organisation they're. bad. to say the least#but if we look at the individual fatuus it's just kinda. okay.#Dottore sucks sure I like Tartaglia i really like him he's a very interesting personality Signora is dead she doesn't concern me anymore#and I don't know enough about the rest#Arlecchino looks very promising though I'm very intrigued by her#and so far Lyney and Lynette just seem like two people who got caught up in the organisation i don't have their vackgrounds unlocked yet#but!!!! i am intrigued Oh so very intrigued#Venti Kaeya and Diluc are my favourite genshin characters they have such a special place in my heart they mean so much to me#but Lyney is my favourite character in terms of I am normal about him Fontaine has SUCH a good cast#we have the girls of all time we have the silly magician and the socially anxious diver and then theres Manfred von Karma#if he was a genuinely nice man that had a solid moral compass and was actually devoted to the concept of justice#I like Neuvillette he also seems very interested i would Love to know more about his relationship with Furina#and Furina!!!!!! she's so silly I adore her being all confident and then if cuts to her inner monologue and she's just losing it#i love that#I really really like Fontaine so far the only grievance I have is that they should've put more accordion into the soundtrack but that's#irrelevant in the face of the osts just all being absolutely gorgeous#yumefan🌠🎼
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hell day today and i'm only two hours into my EIGHT HOUR SHIFT
#9 to 5 by dolly parton starts playing in the background..#literally had to open up shop alone 2day and also was entirely alone for the first 45 min. of my shift so that was already a negative start#to the day + i heard that i can't have my break later than two thirty which is very bad for me bc 1) there'll be a lot of ppl all around me#when i'm eating which i already dislike and 2) like 85% of ppl taking their break around that time are VERY noisy eaters so even worse and#then 3) it'll be really loud in the room as well bc everyone's talking loudly and eating and the cutlery's clanging against plates and such#and also some ppl have actual full-blown arguments with each other in the break room bc half the ppl here hate each other's guts so more#negatives to the day and then on top of that we've had sooooo many annoying customers already today who r just. intent on making u stressed#out and upset and literally will tell u to your face to 'do your job better' like bro...i can easily tell you haven't worked in retail....#also someone hung their clothes on the rack outside the fitting rooms which is where u hang ur clothes when you're DONE fitting them & don'#want them bc they don't fit or don't sit right or u just don't rlly like them after all so if clothes are hanging there we the ppl working#there WILL take them and hang them back in their original places what did u expect to happen?? anyway someone hung the clothes they had#tried on already and did want there and i reached out to take them bc like. that's what we do here..we hang the clothes on the 'discard#rack' back in the store bc else the rack gets stuffed and the woman literally grabbed my arm and said 'those are mine what do u think you'r#doing' LIKE?????? GIRL THE RACK'S THERE FOR A REASONNNN ofc i'm going to assume u don't want them anymore if they're hanging there that's#why it's called the DISCARD rack....also how am i to know those specific clothes are yours HONESTLYYYYYY STFU AND GET OFF ME#ALSO some dude was like (to his child but like. looking at me while he said it.) 'this guy needs a haircut doesn't he' bc my hair is kinda#long and apparently i passed today. LIKE 1st of all kind of a rude thing to say to a stranger innit 2nd of all setting a great example to#your child there just casually commenting on other ppl's looks like that👍 3rd of all jokes on you you wouldn't consider me a guy if#you Knew most likely. thanks for that little zing of glee much obliged <3 but also man just piss off will you. 4th of all my hair isn't eve#that long....like the ends of it are just shy of my shoulders wdym LONG if u knew the long-haired guys i know you'd faint.#anyway. great start of the day. i still have six more hours to go 🥴#ALSO no surprise this always happens but my legs already hurt SOOOOOOOO BADDDDDD :(((((((((((#r.txt
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I wish Suzume was considered Makoto's masterpiece and not whatever Your Name was.
#look I haven't watched all of Makoto Shinkai's movies but I've watched Your Name - Weathering With You - and Suzume#and Suzume is the only one I even like. think about often#Your Name man...Your Name sucks. sorry. there's nothing there except for a generic girl meets boy story#anything interesting they could've done with that story is thrown to the wayside for the main two characters shipability or whatever#I enjoyed Weathering With You a little more than Your Name because there wasn't any glaring plot holes to distract me#and it didn't feel like it was pretending to be more than it was like Your Name was#but Suzume man. I loved Suzume#it's the only movie out of the bunch that I think about and dont go. oh yeah it's a romance or whatever#I think the shift away from a boy and a girl falling in love being the main central point really fucking helped#Let this guy write more movies without really overt romance please please#Because Suzume is all about familial relationships and friendship and the both the good and bad things that can happen with them#Suzume at it's core is a movie about humanity. heck the main focus point of the movie is about seeing humanity where there isn't any anymor#guys pls watch suzume oh my god#yeah it was supposed to be a yuri and I do wish it was a little but it's still Makoto's best. to me#Makoto Shinkai#Suzume#Android.txt
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also thinking about the parallel of sherry & claire in rc and claire & chris when their parents died - how they were both little girls with basically nothing but this somewhat adult person (...) they could count on 😭
#when sherry asks claire why she's trying so hard to save her and she's just BECAUSE I CARE like she understands#she was also a 12yo girl suddenly without parents and it's a time where you're not a child anymore but not even a teen yet you know?#shit is hard especially when there isn't someone you can count on. claire was so so lucky about that#claire left her childhood home as an orphan and chris was literally her whole world from then 😭#to quote hannah montana kept me safe & sound at night little girls depend on things like that 😭
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#i should just go to bed and shut the fuck up#i'm just so mad i'm out of so much money now#that was my hrt money#like#i'm fucked i'm just going to detransition now it costs way too much money to just be a facsimile of a girl who died a while ago#i need gas and any food that isn't fucking corn or sugar#it was a fun three year experiment i'd love for it to continue but there's genuinely no point to it anymore#i'm a useless piece of shit who means so fucking little to anyone and i just hurt whoever is close to me#i've been a burden since the day i was born the only time i'm not going to be is when i'll be underground and forgotten#sure some people might be sad but they'll get over me not being here
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Tic-Tac-Toe
Pairing: The Salesman x Fem!reader
Summary: Every Wednesday your schedule consisted of attending classes during the day, and satisfying the needs of a sadist through the night.
Warning: Dead Dove Do Not Eat, Violence, Kidnapping, Isolation, SociallyAnxious!Reader, Blindfolds, Stalking, Knives, Blood, Gore, Stockholm Syndrome, Smut (+18) mdni, Degradation Kink, Praise Kink, Insertion, Fingering, Rough Sex, Erotophonophilia, Dom!Salesman, Sub!Reader, Dacryphillia, Sadomasochism, Gunplay, Deepthroating, Breeding Kink, Unprotected sex
A/N: Hell is empty
4k Words
You're strapped in a chair, like always, and you are blindfolded because he doesn't trust easily.
It's terribly annoying.
At any point of during and after your little 'arrangement' you could have called the cops. Doesn't he understand that?
Every Wednesday, you're taken from the warmth of your apartment, and you're delivered right back at 00:00 on the dot, every Thursday with barely an inch of life left in your bones. You'd either always come back wet, with semen sliding between your thighs, or with mysterious marks- old and new- crawling underneath your sweater. Whatever mood he was in, he'd always leave you feeling sore.
It should have bothered you.
The thought of seeing this large, domineering shadow-in-a-suit every Wednesday should not overwhelm you with all these feelings of excitement. Instead, you should do like all the mentally ill girls do and just get some fucking help.
But you want him to trust you, for some reason.
Which was utterly ridiculous considering the fact that to him, you were something akin to a porcelain wind up toy for his amusement. You had no business requesting he remove the blindfold aspect but still, you asked anyway. Toy's couldn't be trusted, could they?
"I'd really appreciate it if I didn't have to wear one of these everytime I visit your place." He removes the blindfold, and in a second, your vision is filled with nothing but him. One moment you were in the cozy warmth of your dorm room. Curled up on the couch while your roommate spends her youth effectively- out with boyfriends and friends and everything you didn't have. You answered the front door when you heard his special knock, like you always do. You walked with him to the cab. You let him put on the blindfold. You said 'I'm fine’ when the taxi driver got a little too nosy and you let him lead you away from your boring life.
If only for a few hours.
You'd let him do whatever he wanted for those few hours because such surrender was almost sacred. You forfeited your safety in his hands, to do with it whatever he pleased and in that, you found rest. Whatever happens, happens.
Forget this room- what was essentially his personal dungeon, windowless, red and boasting various torture objects- your eyes are only on him.
"I'd appreciate it if you didn't feel the need to kidnap me anymore? We do this every Wednesday," You become more childish around him and he lets you. Like you forgot you are a fully autonomous university student. There was power in that too. "Surely we've established some sort of trust?” He doesn't respond to you immediately. You crane your head up at him, hungry to lock eyes with his cold, empty slits that enchanted you body and soul.
You are in love with him, perhaps.
That's a logical response isn't it?
You laugh almost.
Listening to yourself try to rationalize your fondness for such a horrible man.
Said horrible man is silent. All you hear is the clicking of his dress shoes as he moves to the leather seat directly across from yours. Your eyes scan over all his movements.
The right corner of his lip quirks up. A small coffee table creates the only distance between you and he bends over to pour you both a generous glass of Brandy on the rocks. You don't drink it. Ever since he's been bringing you here, you never do. He knows this, yet still he pours.
"This relationship isn't about trust." He says finally. Something inside you, that is perhaps a little broken, actually purrs at the sound of his voice. You're hyperaware of your thighs squeezing together on the leather seat. They're spilling out of the sundress you purposely wore today.
Lots of your clothes were for the function of comfort. Your body was full and curvy and not always something to be advertised, unless you wished it to. Tonight, you wanted to show off as much as possible.
A thick leather band is keeping both your wrists locked to the armrests, while he sits back, free and so irrevocably in charge it should scare you. It should. But the sick and incredibly deranged thing is that it doesn't.
Outside, the rain is beating down on whatever building you're in, casting a thick veneer of grey all across the city.
But inside this velvet room... your heart is hammering inside its cage as you watch him undo the buttons of his crisp suit. A black one today. Jet black like his hair.
Although-
"You've got more grey in your hair than last week." You can't help but say.
He tilts his head in inquisition. "Are you insulting me or complimenting me?"
"I'll leave that up to you to decide," you shrug your shoulders as much as you can under these limited restraints. At least he hasn't restrained your ankles this time. Progress. "In here, you're the boss. Right?"
He takes a sip of his drink until finally, you've finally locked eyes. Your bare toes curl and your back arches slightly as you sit a bit straighter in your seat. Like you're in a lecture hall, although he is far more interesting than any of your professors.
"I'm not as young as I used to be," he finally says as he takes one more sip of his drink before bringing his briefcase onto the coffee table. Its presence is ominous and so horribly loud for an inanimate object. It kickstarts all your dormant nerves, revving up all the rest of your senses that have yet to catch up to the fact that you were facing the man of both your desires and nightmares once again.
"Who have you told about our arrangement?" The question causes you to roll your eyes. He watches the petulant movement with that same, silent smile and blank eyes. He unclicks the briefcase. Your stomach lurches and your thighs squeeze together. Pavlov's dog.
"Every time you ask me-" an object clinks onto the table. A butcher knife.
You try to pull your eyes away from the objects he's placing on the table, one by one. "Everytime you ask me if I've told anyone about our arrangement-" another object. A wooden spoon beside the knife. "Everytime I tell you the same thing."
Your throat closes when he uncovers a dildo. Bright pink and fucking menacing. "Carry on talking." He says, snapping your gaze away from the objects lining the table.
"I don't have any friends." Your voice is wobblier. You try to deny the sight of the rabbit vibrator, "It's the reason you picked me." You clear your throat as you hoped to clear all the nerves beginning to fog your mind. "Someone could've followed me here. B-But I don't really know anyone enough to care." The final object that clunks onto the glass coffee table and this time, you're unable to look away.
"Are we ready to begin?"
The metal revolver laying quiet and undisturbed beside the rabbit vibrator makes everything else on the table look like children's toys. Even the butcher knife.
You pull at the restraints, your legs quivering slightly as you shift and writhe in the seat. He studies you as closely as you were once studying him. You can see the excitement begin to flood his eyes at the physical manifestation of your discomfort.
"Now you're getting it." He nods sardonically, taking another sip from his glass before placing the briefcase on the floor beside him. "You were a little too happy to see me," he joked, letting out an airy exhale of laughter.
"You wanna hazard a guess as to what we'll be playing today?" He's smiling, genuinely. With that look in his eyes you can tell he's hovering in the clouds. Meanwhile you've begun to feel real fear. No matter how regular these visits might become you'd never get used to him. It's impossible. Not when he found new and daring ways to torture and pleasure you every single week. You couldn't get used to something as brash and unconventional as him. Like the conditions of a child in a broken home, he kept his tactics inconsistent so that every week is a new hell or perhaps- depending on his mood- heaven.
"If I guess wrong?" You swallow thickly and something dark in him settles. He spreads his legs more, there's a twitch inside his lips before he smiles again.
"Well, guessing isn't the game, so you'll be fine."
You nod your head... assessing the objects. There's menacing objects and household objects. Even just looking at them you can tell what they all have in common.
"Am I going to have to insert-"
"You're not guessing." His voice booms. He rests his elbow on the armrests, his hands corded with veins seem itching to do something, you're not sure what. "I said guess." He commands.
"Hide and seek?"
He snickers, "A favourite-"
"More like your favourite." You snip back, "I couldn't sit down the whole week." You frown at the memory. That week he'd brought you to an abandoned warehouse, letting you run the entire perimeter full.
"It's in your best interest to keep coming to our sessions-" he reminds you, snapping you back into the present.
"You're paying my university fees, I'm not complaining." You nod, before plastering a thin smile on your face, "All I have to do every week is prostitute myself to a literal sadist-"
"Have you given up on guessing today's game?" He didn't like you making him hyper aware of the fact that this dynamic, whatever it is, is considered objectively bad. And so you're not surprised when he swiftly moves past the topic.
He leans forward. His large hand disappears under his chair before uncovering a small whiteboard. Four lines- 2 horizontals are running across 2 verticals, creating 9 blocks. He stands up, while your eye is still focusing on the board. From your point of view it sits underneath the row of objects on the table. You don't even realize your right wrist strap is being untied.
"Colour?" He asks, pushing a crate of whiteboard markers towards you. With your now free hand you pick the pink one.
He snickers. "Predictable." He whispers before placing a large, domineering hand on your head. He presses down your braids, patting you like a stray he's rescued from the cold. You stare aimlessly ahead, fearing you won't be able to contain everything you've begun to feel for him if you lock eyes now.
"We're playing tic-tac-toe," he relents. His hand lingers on your head a bit longer before he's stepping away.
"With a twist, I presume?"
"Clever girl," he nods, walking back to his seat. "So you're aware of the objects."
"Place a gun in front of a girl and she's going to notice."
"Paranoid girl." He tsks before leaning forward.
"You want to start or should I?"
"Wait-" you swallow, "What happens if I win?"
He smiles that dazzling, debonair smile.
"You pick which one goes inside you."
Lightning cracks across the sky. A chorus of thunder roars all at once like some kind of phenomenon and your lips stutter open.
"Th-That's insane I-"
"I shouldn't have to remind you that you came here out of your own volition. "
"What happens if you win?"
"Then I choose." He says.
Your eyes skate over the object. It doesn't take an ivy league graduate to hazard a guess as to which of the objects he's itching to stick inside you.
"There's a fucking knife here-" You're trembling. Tears are pooling in your eyes. It doesn't even matter that you're a somewhat decent tic tac toe player. It doesn't matter that you're confident in this game. It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.
"And there's also a spoon," he nods, neutrally, "And a vibrator, and a dildo. Etcetera. Etcetera." He leans forward, unclicking his whiteboard pen, "your words are just words, Darling. You're just listing things. Start," he says, with a deadly lilt in his voice. "Or I will."
You scramble to uncap your marker with one hand, all while he watches with dead and black eyes. You knew that whoever starts the game was placed at a big advantage and so you're nearly scrambling to place that dignified X in the center block.
"Clever girl." He says once again, drawing his blue 'O' directly beside your pink 'X'. You aim for the block above him. He blocks it. You aim for the block beside the center. He blocks that too.
Your victory comes too quickly. You barely feel it as you strike a line vertically through the blocks. 3 X's.
Relief washes over you but it's overcast with doubt. Like you're celebrating in trepidation as you watch him stand up.
"Congratulations! Which do you choose?"
"I can pick anything?" You ask, staring up at him, bright eyes wild with the adrenaline that comes with wanting to preserve your organs.
"Anything you want, my little winner."
You begin to lean over. His eyebrows quirk up when you wrap a small hand around his wrist.
"I pick that." You say breathlessly. Your eyes zeroed in on his hands at his side. And you watch as he walks towards you, as if compelled by an unforeseen force. His palms are calloused underneath yours and you blow out several unstable breaths as he stands above you. So imposing it's breathtaking.
"You sure?" It's the way he asks it that has you second guessing. And perhaps he sees the caution seeping into your eyes because there's excitement lurking in his. Before you're even able to formulate a response, his hand is locked tightly around your esophagus, vacuuming all pathways shut until you're writhing for air.
"A fine, fine choice," He's becoming more and more riled up the more you writhe in your seat, trying to scrounge for a single breath of air. He doesn't let you. Instead he moves behind you, before leaning down.
If you could breathe, you would shiver at the feeling of his lips behind your ear. "Here we go-" he whispers, before reaching around your torso with his free hand before forcing your legs open. The second he lets his three digits stab into your cunt, he uncurls the grip on your throat as you make a horrid sound somewhere between a moan, a scream, and a haggard gasp. "FUCK- Sl-Slowdown-" you knew better than to request something like that. All you hear is a snicker from behind you as pain blossoms all across your nether regions. He's not gentle. He's not kind. He doesn't allow you to adjust to his fingers before he's scissoring them inside you, causing a blood-curdling scream to rip itself out of your throat. Your back is arched and you're trying to get away from him but the fucking persists.
"You've been wet like this for me the entire time?" He sounds absolutely demented, behind you, "You wanted this didn't you?" He bites at your ear as the first tears begin to pool at your eyes, "My little winner."
"P-Please stop-" His fingers are restless inside you. Curling and uncurling. Scissoring and stabbing as if wanting to open you up and split you all the way in half.
"What a pretty little pussy, huh? Look at what a mess you're making."
"When-" you can't form words. "When- Stop?" It's all you're able to say as your nails dig into the material of his suit.
"The sooner you cum the sooner it stops."
You doubted your ability to cum under these circumstances. He's setting an ungodly pace and it's all so hurried and in a frenzy, it's like your brain does not have time to understand if you even like what's currently being done to you.
"What- Do you want you want my help?" you begin to shake your head. "I'll help you, baby-"
His other hand reaches over and pinches your clit.
Your eyes roll to the back of your head as your orgasm is quite literally forced out of you. Your hips writhe and your ass tries to leave the seat as the first feelings of pleasure rip through you by force. "That's it, Clever girl," he coos, still curling his fingers inside you, "That's my Clever girl." He says once more before stilling his movements. For a second you just sit there, trying to collect your breath while he's still inside you. All at once, his hands are removed from your body.
He grabs a handkerchief from his breast pocket and you watch him clinically wipe his hands before erasing the marks on the board with the same cloth. A very clear boner pushes against his black slacks yet still his face is calm.
"Alright, My turn to start-"
"WHAT!? B-But I won." You scream, absolutely seething with desperation.
"You know everyone who plays 'X' has a significantly higher chance at winning-" You say with your eyes narrowed. He nods.
"And you know that too, which means we each should be granted alternating times to play ‘X’. Regardless if you won or not." You slump in your seat, suddenly far too aware that your bare cunt is exposed.
"Don't mope." He says, "It's not cute." Before drawing his 'X' in the center.
You close your legs, sitting upright with a new zeal of self preservation as you grab ahold of your marker.
You draw your pink 'O' underneath his.
You both play many more rounds. All ending in ties. This is how you play- with a frazzled grip and closed legs. A shiver every now and then overcomes you with the gravity of your aftershocks. His snickers bring your eyes up to his. He speaks as he makes his move.
"You're so focused on blocking," he sighs, "You're not even trying to win anymore-"
"I'm not letting you stick a knife in my cunt." You nod in finality before blocking another move.
"Not even if I say please?" He asks, making a faux pout.
"Fuck off."
"In that case, I have to win."
Your heart kickstarts as he pushes his pen to the board. Images flash across your mind. Blood splattered across his gorgeous face. Your blood as he fucks the sharp end of a knife inside you. You nearly vomit while he speaks. “Easy as-" you block him.
"Tic-" you block him again.
"Tac-" you block him some more
"Toe- I Win."
A victory that somehow escaped your vision. He strikes a line diagonally through the squares and your stomach sinks. He stares at you from across the room. His eyes so deeply satisfied you can feel it radiating off of him in waves.
You lower your teeth to the other restraint, violently trying to free your left wrist from its oppressive hold. And you watch as the devil slowly rises.
Your heart aches. Your brain is sent into complete alarm as your flight or fight kicks in and your sympathetic nervous system fires.
"Now, which one would look pretty inside you?" He drags his fingers along the objects, undoubtedly an act of taunting. You stomp your feet on the ground. You try to push the chair underneath you but it's plastered to the floor.
"Please!" Tears are running thickly. They cloud your vision. You don't even see the way his smile falls enough for him to rub over the bulge in his slacks.
"Fuck," he says gravelly as he relents and picks up the gun. "You're so fucking pretty when you're scared out of your fucking mind. You know that?"
You shake your head as he nears, wondering if this might really be the end. Has your body become too worn out by his games? Has the time for him to discard his toy finally dawned on you both? Is he all grown up with no need for such things as toys?
"PLEASE-NO-"
"Open your mouth." He's standing in front of you, your head directly in front of his raging bulge.
You shake your head, trying to move away but he rips your face towards him. "Listening to me is the only choice you have to make it out alive, Baby. You wanna live, don't you?" He's nothing but a tall figure, with the overhead lights shining around his head like a halo. Your face right by his bulge.
"Little girl needs to go to school." He nods, eyes fluttering shut, "She needs to complete her studies and get a good job so she wouldn't have to meet with scary men like me- Fuck-" it riled him up to no end to have you scared of him. You suppose it triggered a part of him that craved attention. He needed to feel like he existed and if that was reeped from fear then so be it.
"Stick the barrel in your mouth," the bottom of his hand coaxed open your jaw, and, as if on autopilot, you listen. Perhaps there is a way out of this. Perhaps you should just listen.
"That's it... Fuck," he brings your free hand up to rub his erection "That's it, Baby, stick it inside your mouth." Cold metal hits your lower teeth, "Stick it in like you would a cock." He says, looking down at you intently as your tongue unfurls and you suck the barrel in. "Shit-" he places his other hand on the back of your head before forcing you to take the gun deeper down your throat. He's trembling. Far too badly. And so is his finger on the trigger.
"Fuck, you're such a fucking whore, you know that?"
You're gagging and flailing around the barrel, saliva slides down.
So desperate to please him.
In your hast you don't even realize your left hand that had been restrained is now free. Your eyes are closed.
Please him.
Just please him and you'll live.
"That's my brainless girl..." he praises and that rouses something in you. It has your hips bucking against nothing.
"Such a stupid girl..." he continues, "You're gonna ride me, aren't you? You're gonna fuck me so good-" You're not about to tell him that sex wasn't supposed to be apart of this game. You're not stupid.
You faintly hear the sound of a belt unlooping. A zipper siding down. "You're making me so happy, baby." He admits before effortlessly lifting you from the chair until you're straddling him.
You're free.
When did that happen?
"F-Fuck, I need you to ride me." His head is leaning back against the chair. His tie hangs messily from his shirt that has two buttons undone.
You're free.
"Don't try anything," he warns, as he lifts you enough to pull his cock out of his pants. "Matter of fact. Keep it in your mouth while you ride me-" He slams you down onto his cock the very second those words leave his mouth. He's fucking into you with recklessness and fury and violence. His hair falls in his face but the gun is too heavy, without a hand there, it nearly slips from your mouth.
He's careful to catch it, forcing the barrel back in your mouth as he places a hand on your ass, controlling how your ass bounces on his lap. The gun offers motivation like no other. It has you arching your back and swirling your hips as you tighten your cunt around him.
He sticks the gun down too far and you gag. "You trying to get me to cum, huh? You little slut-" you nod, the tears still spilling as pleasure begins to stream through your brain. It has you excited by the prospect of being held at gunpoint. You realize with grave certainty that you've arrived at the point of no return.
"What a good girl- fuck-" he's ramming up into you, his hand on the gun twitching like his cock does. "I'm gonna fucking cum- FUCK-" he does and your orgasm immediately barrels into you at the exact same time. You try to ride him, to milk it as much as you can, to continue to make him happy.
"Such a stupid fucking slut-" he whispers, eyes hooded as his hips still spurt cum into you.
Your ears perk. You see his finger on the trigger move. You squeeze your eyes shut as you hear a click.
"Such a silly girl." You hear him say. "Don't worry, Baby, it isn't loaded." You're still in your body. You're still alive, on his lap, your sundress unfurling around you both.
"Not yet anyway."
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#squid game#squid game x reader#squid game fanfic#squid game smut#the salesman#the salesman x reader#the salesman smut#dead dove fic#dead dove do not eat#squid game salesman
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