#this isnt even true in the slightest i fucking hate having did

[shitty-proendo-blackout-posts]

my disorder is quirky

my disorder is fun

[t0rturedangel]

can i have some yandere!Vox using his mind control powers on the reader??

╭ . . . 𝚝𝚑𝚘𝚜𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚌 𝚗𝚘𝚒𝚜𝚎𝚜 ੭

𝐋𝐎𝐕𝐄-𝐒𝐈𝐂𝐊 ! 𝐕𝐎𝐗 𝐗 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐑

♰ ৎ﹕𝘩𝘦 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰𝘰 𝘮𝘶𝘤𝘩, 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦

WOOO VOX STUFF, ngl vox is my favorite out of the three vees (idk much abt velvette and i fucking HATE valentino)

✧⠀⨾ the only way he'd ever hypnotize you was if you dared to leave him- i mean who would leave him HIM?? the cool, chill guy Vox, the guy who anyone can trust with their stuff? How could you, in the name of lucifer himself, dare to leave just like that?

✧⠀⨾ you used some lame excuses too, "oh you're scaring me!" "This isnt healthy or alright in the slightest" like seriously? that's not even that serious! all he wants is for you to stay with him. BY HIM. that's all he's asking, is it too much?

✧⠀⨾ fuckin must be, since now you're sobbing and grabbing bunches of clothes- throwing them into a small, very pathetic suitcase so you'd have something when you ran away.

✧⠀⨾ you see, now, now you've went too far- now vox has to step in, which will not be good for anyone.

Through tears in your eyes you grabbed even more clothes, stuffing them all into your [ favorite coloured ] suitcase, occasionally blinking tears away or rubbing them off of your face. Vox went mad, he was always weird to you during the later period of your relationship- always too touchy and manic, too close to you. Yes, the two of you were dating, and everyone thought it was fine- you and vox were happy together. That was true, at least at the start of this twisted relationship, Vox genuinely seemed to care, to love you and would never dare to hurt you, he said so himself.

Yet, recently he's been acting so off- so wrong. Before he was kind, gentle, never forced you to do anything you didn't want to, but now? Lucifer, what happened to him? What happened to that man that you cared and loved so much, what infected his mind? You ,it seemed, were the answer- he changed because of you of how much he "loves" you. he hates seeing other sinners get too close to you- his precious angel- one who should be untouched by the filth of imps and lower sinners, he even went as far as to ban you from seeing the other vees (who you grew decently close to, earning their respect), he seemed to adore the fact that he controlled every aspect of your life and that you failed to notice it at first, too blinded by your love for him, for everything he did for you before the relationship became official- it was so foreign to see him like that now that you knew, that you've opened your eyes and saw the true intent of his actions, now you're scared, horrified.

Through your hysterics, as Vox labeled them when you first began to cry over all of this, you failed to notice that very same 'boyfriend' (you cringed at calling him that, that thing was not your boyfriend- was it ever your boyfriend?) standing in the door frame, his screen glitching with annoyance and screeching out quiet static noises that seemed for familiar yet so eerie, and his eye wider than the other- a beautiful black swirl dancing around on a red background, such an entrancing sight ❝ babe. ❞ you heard his voice, so distorted and full of displeasure making you shrieked out of almost pure instinct and turned your body so fast you almost has whiplash- eyes wide at the sight of Vox, a horror engraved into your [eye colour] irises . Your body began to tremble it felt almost natural to fear Vox, of what he'd do- he want others to imagine him as this stupid cool guy, who has not a care in the world but you knew what he was truly like. you knew what he was, what he said, what he felt about the other desperate sinners.

❝ go away vox- im not your 'babe' im leaving❞ it was barely above a whisper but sounded so loud in your head, so very loud. That one sentence could have leaft you deaf, you wish it did- wishing it left you deaf and blind so you didnt have to hear his voice, coated in an artificial love, dripping with his real poisonous intent, or see his face- that face you loved to see plastered around the pride ring, the face that now glared at you. ❝ Dont be like that [name]- you know you're my [girlfriend/boyfriend/lover] you cant leave me ❞ his voice, still laced with that distortion didn't register in your head, it's like you didn't even hear it- like you really went deaf.

you could hear his steps echo through the room and that confidences you held a meer second ago- drained from your stature immediately. A fear washed over you, overwhelming your body... Millions of questions raced through your tormented mind all desperate to be your sole focul. „ what will he do? ” „will he kill me? Torture me? Sell me off to some beggar?”

Those questions, such meaningless questions you thought, will never be answered. Though do not fear, Vox cherishes you too much to allow you to be in harm's way of anyone else- he just loves you so much, so much so that he'll forgive this silly little attitude of yours just this once: next time he won't be as forgiving. Though, in all his honesty there won't ever be a 'next time' and all he needed to prevent this was for you to look at his eyes, to just give him one glimpse, it's like deja vu for you ist it? What were you thinking? Those fears, those worries and silly little thoughts of leaving him should have never been thought in the first place, oh how could you be so horrible to think that your loving boyfriend Vox would EVER be so controlling and terrible? My dear, Vox only wants what's best for you, and whats best for you if to stay with him! That's all you need to do, he'll do all the hard work, he'll get his hands dirty, he'll protect you. No one else can do what he does, no other overlord, no other vee, no sinner, not even Lucifer himself can keep you safe like how he can.

after all, he just loves you too much to let you leave, and why would you? being with him had never been better. Though now Vox re-thinks letting you think for yourself again, after all last time he did you wanted to leave.

That cannot happen again. NEVER again.

[kookidough]

random rant about tbp tiktok cause i’m actually Sick of it at this point💆‍♀️💆‍♀️ these issues probably exist Outside of tiktok as well but i only ever see them on there so thats the platform i’m gna talk about

before you read i just wanna say warning for mentions of sa!!!!!

first of all i dont want to jump straight into the serious shit so the unoriginality is actually INSANE like ive been seeing the same jokes since 2022, can we Please get something funnier than “griffin does gymnastics / is a ceiling fan” 😭 the amount of times recently i’ll see a tbp tiktok and then get someone copying the idea and making the Same exact post like 3 scrolls later is insane like Pls can we be original Pls this movie is so sad i need something to laugh at

outside of being totally unoriginal some of the jokes tend to be Really Fucking Disgusting like straight up joking about assault, i shouldn’t even have to explain that thats not funny in the slightest?? this one person made a bunch of really gross ones and kept blocking people who called them out in the comment section, my friend had to dm them Several times and all they did was take down one post, the rest are still up with a ton of views :/ i know its like shock humour or dark humour or whatever but i dont see the ‘funny’ side of a grown man forcing himself onto a child and i think if youre laughing at that you should sit down and ask yourself why you think thats so funny.. people in the comments are always like “i shouldn’t laugh” so they Know its wrong as well which just ugh the whole thing just really gets on my nerves

another thing that gets on my nerves is the lack of media literacy and straight up spreading misinformation, maybe on the media literacy part i’m just a hater but i see so many questions being asked or theories being posed when all of the things mentioned were… literally answered in the movie?? “whats up with finney and gwen’s mother” it’s literally said in the movie that she has the same ability as gwen and she killed herself bc of it, next question, “why was max so interested in finding the missing boys” maybe because he was a coked up conspiracy theorist who saw a serious crime happening in his brother’s area so he decided to be a genuine concerned citizen who wanted these boys to be found💀 “why did the grabber kill max” because he had evidence of the highly awful crimes he’d been committing and was about to let his latest victim free?? the list goes on and on but those r the main ones i see all the time

as for the misinformation. Ough. it annoys me So much this is a hill i will die on😭 i dont know if its people’s half-baked theories or personal headcanons that just got way out of hand but i see so much stuff being spread that just Isnt true, it gets spread so far that when you google these things it appears as true when its not which is annoying !!! i actually was gonna make an entire rant about one theory in particular that pisses me off so bad but i can fit it in here alongside my list of “other theories presented as facts that i Absolutely Despise”

first theory, the one i was gonna make an entire post over, is the theory that vance is the grabber’s son. if i see one more tiktok of those two with that marina and the diamonds song im going to fucking lose it😭 i have no idea where people got this from but its so fucking popular that it comes up on google and i Hate it, i think it comes from the fact that in gwen’s dream sequence, which, might i add, WAS A DREAM, it looks like the police drop vance off outside the grabber’s house and he goes inside there, which… apparently automatically makes them related…?? it takes like one ounce of media literacy to realise that Obviously he’d be getting dropped off at his own house in real life, but as a ghost he’s centred on the place he died and is showing that house to gwen in her dreams, like how every other ghost shows that house to her. awful theory awful take i hate it, if its ur personal headcanon sorry but i do Not fw that

the other theories i have like. not much to say about other than the fact that they’re Not true, i see a lot of stuff about griffin for some reason? the number tends to change but a lot of ppl say “he was kept in the basement for 4 years” like . Huh. where is your proof???? i know the missing posters are insanely unreliable but if you literally read them griffin went missing on april 2nd and billy went missing on may 4th so highly likely griffin was only in the basement for like. a month at most, no idea where ppl are pulling 4 years out of💀 i also see people say griffin has broken legs or a broken back Just because of the first scene where we see him doing a backbend but . if that was the case then he wouldnt be able to stand with the other ghosts when they show gwen the house, i think the backbend was just the position he died in and thats why he first appeared that way to finney but Hey thats just my opinion! last two i have like no rants over but just. firstly people saying robin never made it to the basement for some reason but clearly he did otherwise his ghost would not be down there with the rest of them😭 secondly the theory that vance was kept there the longest “because he’s the most feminine” which. just makes absolutely zero sense to me whatsoever idk whos random headcanon got popularised but i dont like it

okay getting serious again, while this one does not make me angry its like. just really weird to me? i think its common knowledge at this point that both the book and the movie are inspired heavily by the john wayne gacy case, with the grabber literally being inspired by john wayne gacy himself (you Cannot argue with me on this one its literally confirmed and theres a boatload of evidence supporting it). i guess its natural to see people making comparisons between the movie and the case because of the inspiration but i’ve seen Several videos recently of people taking photos of jwg victims and putting them next to tbp characters and saying thats who theyre inspired by and i think thats . Really coming across as insensitive i cant lie😭 we know the grabber was inspired by jwg and its heavily thought that billy was inspired by johnny gosch but theres not much about the others and i think its just really distasteful to compare real life murder victims to fictional horror characters just to get views/likes on tiktok, it comes across as insanely disrespectful to me but idk i havent seen anyone else talking about it so i might just be being sensitive

last thing that really really bothers me is grabber simps. while i do see it on tiktok i see it on here, tumblr, most often and its… so odd to me…. like why are you thirsting over the paedophilic serial killer… so so strange to me… i want to see art and character analysis and silly little posts about all the characters but every time i open the tbp tag i’m jumpscared by someones weird ass grabber x reader oneshot and its SO GROSS get that shit away from me😭😭😭😭 also saw this one girl on tiktok one time whos literal entire account was dedicated to the grabber and she defended this by saying the sa in the movie was “just a theory” which is so victim blamey girl i do not trust you there is so much evidence for it in the movie, again w the media literacy point, just because something isnt directly shown to you doesnt mean it isnt shown in other subtler ways… anyway i get if people like the grabber as a villain but actually like. loving him and thirsting over him is weird as fuck to me

so um ya the fandom is a trainwreck can we go back to there being like 3 of us please and thank u. if you actually read all this then Wow thank you its literally just me being chronically online and ranting about stuff that doesn’t matter in the real world at all

[cactusringed]

i WILL sleep soon but im having too many thoughts

the fact that etho decided that he was just going to be Very Nice To Bdubs.

bdubs? he must have been euphoric. he was finally given a spot in ethos heart in the way etho always has one in his. this was some sign that said hey, i matter to him too!

which only made it worse for him when etho did things for grian and cleo he would never do for him.

bdubs wondering if it meant anything at all to etho, or if it was some big joke. if he and his stupid big heart was some joke to etho. if etho understood that all itd take to get bdubs on his side was the slightest attention that way, dropping the act once he was satisfied with bdubs devotion.

to bdubs, it sure would be looking like he didn't ever matter to etho, only what he could do to keep etho alive did. nothing about his wellbeing or even happiness mattered to etho

bdubs told him he would not kill him, no matter what. even when etho told him he wouldn't blame him if we did. and etho couldn't even bother lying about failing a task for bdubs' sake

its not even that bdubs would care if etho attacked him for a task. if there was anything he could do for etho he'd do it in a heart beat, including losing a few hearts. but the fact that etho didn't even care enough to go 'yeah sure id fail a task for you' after bdubs proclaimed his loyalty

then, seeing how etho treats grian and cleo...

anger

i need bdubs to be furious

i need him to be angry on his own behalf. to recognise his self worth and realise he deserves better.

he would give everything to etho. what more does etho want from him? what more could he give to make etho care about him? how DARE etho build him a place in his home, pull bdubs in close, only to treat him like shit?

i need bdubs to be furious

and im going to be completely honest, i need to see him snap and kill etho. hes a man being pushed to the brink, and etho needs to learn that bdubs isnt some sidekick thats going to follow him around. that bdubs would give him the world if etho had bothered to give him even a shred of loyalty and care. and that etho FUCKED IT UP

IM SORRY WHEN YOU GOT ME INTO ETHDUBS I DIDNT EXPECT SUCH AN ANGSTY FUCKING RELATIONSHIP I

AAAAAAA

ok im falling asleep while writing this if i got anything wrong thats why. bed time. nighnigh

Brother when I tell you that the be nice to bdubs day episode makes me sick after what etho did. Oh my god. Oh my god.

The thing is about etho is that, he doesn't lie to bdubs. I don't think he does, anyway. All that kindness he offered bdubs - well, it was obviously a bit to embarrass him, but it was also all true. He doesn't like to lie to bdubs. He's haunted by the time he promised something (a life) and didn't deliver, to the point where when he did it again (promised to help bdubs with anything he needed, then laughed at his face when bdubs sought out his help) he felt SICK

Etho doesn't like to make promises, because he hates not to deliver on them. Bdubs loves to make promises he wholeheartedly intends to deliver on, or that he hopes the receiving party will know he'll try his heart off to deliver on. Bdubs values, so much, the very act of trying, the intent behind it. Etho values results. It's a dissonance neither can really see. So it leads to miscommunication and misunderstandings

Bdubs has promised so much to etho, so many times - etho must believe the words empty, no matter how earnest bdubs is. Meanwhile, because Etho is so careful about managing expectations, he comes off as... Aloof. As not returning even half of bdubs' earnest feelings. It's such a difference in their expression of love.

Etho felt bad, and thus he pushed himself to express love in a way bdubs would understand - through words of adoration. But then he immediately returned to his old ways. Immediately withdrew, as if scared. Because he is scared. In truth, he's terrified of the feelings he holds for bdubs, and how much it can hurt the both of them. But instead of seeing that, Bdubs can only see it as Etho playing a sick game with him. Bdubs, so starved for Etho's attention and love and devotion.

I doubt he would've promised cleo or grian he would protect them against the boogeys. He's told cleo before, that he's not a protector. He doesn't want to give the impression he is because he hates the idea of betraying that impression. But in the moment, he did become a protector. But it's that seed of doubt that it plants that hurts so much.

Because now, Bdubs will always see etho and remember that he refused to vow his protection to bdubs, whilst turning around and protecting his allies. He'll always see etho and remember that heartbreak.

He feels like he's been throwing so, so much love to a complete brick wall. Somethings gotta snap.

I want bdubs to either kill etho or try to hurt him - to genuinely go after him. But also if he does - if either of them do - I'll have a category 10 ethubs meltdown I s2g

This can only end in tragedy I swear I swear I swear I feel so SICK it's late and my head hurts so this probably makes no sense but. My god

[catboyzilla]

all my friends said i deserved better or that i was too good for him but i never believed it, i still dont, i hate being a teenager, ill never forget him holding my face and staring into my eyes telling me how beautiful i am, hopefully one day someone will look at me like that again but i doubt it. my body is forever going to be his, he took my first kiss, my virginity, my heart, my brain, i dont know if ill recover. he was the reason i believed i could get through it all, i mean he was so strong and such a better person than me, maybe i could be strong too. bpd fucking sucks. i panic and i ruin everything i have. i just want him to know im sorry but now i dont even have a chance to say it. i fucked up. i just want him to hold me again and tell me its all alright. we always got along better face to face anyway. my friends are telling me to js get over it but how? how do you get over someone that made you feel like you were so special, like you were the first person who made them actually happy, like you were finally getting to experience true, actual love? if he sees this, i know hes going to call me clingy and make fun of me, but i hope he knows ill always talk good about him. i look past his screw ups, i see the person he could have truly been. maybe, one day, he will be happy and carefree. maybe one day he will finally have a good relationship with his family. i dont know if he will ever come back, especially with how much i fucked it up. i just have the slightest hope he will, maybe thats all i need. maybe its not. at this point, im letting the universe handle it. i cant be forced to fight and fight for someone that doesnt want to fight for me. someone who cant, at all, feel bad for other people. i hope he realizes one day that he isnt the best person in the universe, hes not a bad person but he has many faults, yet i still loved him despite that. i hope he finds someone who loves him despite that. i dont know if he will. for now, ill keep the only memories i have of him and cling to them. ill keep the things he gave me and cling onto them. ill keep the broken heart he gave me and cling onto that. ill keep the kisses and the cuddles and the love i remember so dearly and cling onto that. ive seen what true hate looks like in peoples eyes, ive always seen it throughout my whole life. my parents have looked at me with the most hate they have in their eyes, my siblings, friends, peers. yet, he looked at me with love. that love, in his eyes, it wasnt piercing. it was calm and sweet. it was soft and warm. i dont know if ill ever find someone that lovely again. i hope he keeps my stuff safe, i hope he doesnt tear down the drawing i made him and the letter up. i hope he keeps all the small things. i hope he keeps our memories and i hope he keeps at least a little love in his heart. i wish things didnt turn out this way, i wish this stuff wasnt so stressful. in fact, this has to be the most stressful thing that happened. i wish so many things. i wish i could go back in time and just stop it. i wish i could stop the moments i had with him and just relive them over and over. i wish the hate he has washes away and he realizes that life doesn't have to be so difficult. maybe none of my wishes will come true, maybe they will. im so uncertain on the future, its so scary. i could die tomorrow but i wouldnt know. if i did, i wouldnt want the last things i said to him to be my attempt at desperation and fear. i would want him to know that i loved him so dearly, more dearly than ive loved another person, animal, thing. i would want him to know that hes going to to get through it, he cant give it up. he has to keep on fighting, dont let everything get him down. let the negatives become positives. dont run away from your problems and responsibilities, it makes them worse. one day, when you face them, just keep remembering that i believe in you and i have put all my hope into you. i believe that you will get better, i believe you will keep fighting a tough fight. i believe that no matter what, its possible to get through it. i love you.

[serenhyunjinity]

apénanti [bang chan]

“i hear you’re into greek mythology”

SKZ BANG CHAN || CHRIS BANG

warnings: probably inaccurate descriptions

a day. finally i would be visiting greece, athens precisely, was near. greece was probably the most interesting country to me at least, and i couldn’t contain my excitement once the professor announced that twenty students had been selected to go on this whirlwind of a trip. how typical, out of the 2000 students that signed up to it, i was chosen.

meanwhile here i was, sat on my bed staring at the mounds of clothes which i was about to attempt, and most likely fail, to put into my large suitcase. the only bad thing about this certain trip was the fact my best friend and roommate, hayoung, did not get selected, meaning i was bound to be alone during a majority of my stay.

“i heard jinyoung is going” the short haired girl wiggled her eyebrows teasingly as she sat on the bed opposite mine, plugging in her charger to the wall behind.

“that’s nice to know” i mumbled as i squeezed the case together, just about zipping it up fully. “i’m not going there just to form relationships, i want to widen my knowledge on greek mythology not the science of romance”. saying this, hayoung let out a groan of annoyance as she stared directly at me.

“y/n you’re going to be there for four days, i’m sure you will have time to socialise too” i mean she was correct, but truthfully i just wanted to discover more about the culture, not eat someone’s face off in a drunken makeout session. “seriously though, it’s jinyoung, you’ve liked him since forever” she chuckled as i sighed deeply.

jinyoung was and has been my crush since i was the mere age of twelve, ever since he helped me with some math question which was probably easier than anything i’ve ever studied in university. he’s smart and handsome to say the least, but it’s obvious that he isn’t looking for a relationship any time soon. i mean he just broke up with a girl who he had been dating for around two years, all because she dissed the harry potter series.

“i don’t even want to date him” now that, was a blatant lie. “i barely have time for myself, let alone a relationship” a loud sigh was heard from the other side of the room. it was true though, 99% of the time i’m either studying or writing up presentations in a small café nearby, it would just be unfair on the partner if i did end up dating.

“you can’t be single forever y/n, who knows maybe you’ll find a cute greek boy” the shorter girl winked as she moved out of her spot, grabbing a magazine. “oh crap i need to go to class” i chuckled as she ran out of the room, sliding on shoes and dashing out of the door.

only sixteen hours, hopefully it would be at least a bit eventful.

-

time had passed by extremely quickly, i now sat on the airplane seat, beside a girl with headphones larger than her actual head and the dance major seulgi, who was reading some kind of romance book. from the corner of my eye i could see jinyoung, who had his eyes focused on a book which looked way too complicated for a casual reader.

the journey passed by after many hours, mainly consisting of me sleeping or reading about the gods within greece. although aphrodite always caught my eye, dare i say that she was indeed my personal favourite goddess. being the mother of cupid was truly something, although i’m not totally into romance, somehow i just couldn’t help but feel invested in the story of aphrodite and her family.

one by one, we stepped off the now landed airplane, the heat immediately hitting me in the face like fire. it definitely was a contrast to the slightly colder weather of where my university resided, but i was not complaining in the slightest. to put it lightly, it felt like pure bliss.

going through the city of athens on the coach was a long but interesting journey. seulgi still sat beside me but i could spot the old fashioned buildings which were a white tone, matching the whole typical aesthetic of the city. never in my life had i seen a place as beautiful as one like this.

-

it was now the next day, which meant i could finally explore the culture without anyone holding me back. that was possibly the best thing about this trip, the professors wanted to explore too, so you were allowed to wonder around as long as you didn’t stray out of the general area.

so that’s how i ended up here, standing outside of a large building covered in vines. the stone was either a chalk or a marble, but it looked stunning to say the least. it actually surprised me how it was able to hold itself up despite being thousands of years old.

i grabbed my camera and captured photos that would end up in my notebook, documenting the information that i would have gathered from my stay here. strangely enough though i didn’t find too much about the mythology that i expected. i knew everything that i had researched here, which was kind of disappointing but i should have expected it.

“they’re beautiful aren’t they?” a manly voice made it’s way towards my ears, causing my head to immediately turn to the one who was attempting to make conversation with me. little did i expect to see a boy who probably was only slightly taller than me, with white hair looking in my direction. he wore a white shirt which was not fully done up and black jeans which complimented his body well.

“y-yeah they are” i gave him a small smile before turning back to the building, capturing a few more photos before placing the camera back into its case.

“i hear you’re into greek mythology” i stopped what i was doing and looked up at him, confused. do i know him? he must’ve sensed my confusion as he chuckled, causing my heart to speed up in its pace. “i suggest going to olympus, you’ll find out more there” intriguing, maybe i should go there.

“oh thanks, are you from here or are you visiting?” i attempted to keep the small talk flowing as i moved to another white building which looked almost exactly like the one before.

“i guess you could say that i was from here” he nodded slightly and this gave me enough of a chance to look at his features carefully. he was beautiful. somehow i felt a sense of attachment to him, it was odd but i could get used to it, seeing as it’s much better than being uncomfortable at least. “do you want me to come with you?” he spoke and i hesitated, i don’t know whether or not the professor would actually allow you to travel so far.

“sure i’ll ask my professor” he smiled back and handed me a piece of paper. “call me if you are allowed then” the dimples on the side of his cheeks peeked out as he began to walk off.

-

eventually professor lee agreed, but that didn’t stop him from hesitating slightly when i mentioned i would be going with a boy that i had met just hours before. the first day here had been a success, although i was desperate to find out more about the gods and goddesses that once roamed greece, at least in ancient tales.

so now here i was, sitting on a bus with the white haired boy sat beside me, with his earphones in his ears. i gazed out of the window, we made sure to leave as early as possible so that we could explore for longer in the daylight. the sunrise illuminated the area below, causing an orange blanket to cover the buildings and fields. with a click of my camera, it was the beginning of a long journey.

three hours later, the bus stopped, we were here. masses of tourists hopped off the vehicle and disappeared from sight, wanting to explore immediately. i learned that the boy who i came with was named chan, but also went by the name chris. talking to him was interesting, he just sounded so invested in the mythology, particularly ares, the god of war.

the mountains sorrounded the area around us, seemingly going on for miles, i’m just glad that they had installed a lift to reach the peak, so that we could view the architecture. mine and chris’ conversations mainly consisted of our favourite foods and our lives back at home. i learnt that he was working to become a producer but he would give tours around athens as a side job.

now here we were, standing in front of a large building which had a red border sorrounding it, preventing anyone from actually touching and damaging the piece of history. chris went silent, his eyes focused on the architecture, as if he was looking back at a part of his own background. “isnt it ironic that ares married aphrodite, they were complete opposites” he chuckled and i nodded slightly.

it was true, the god of the unpleasant aspects of war married the goddess of love and beauty. it kind of was like a ying and yang type of scenario. it felt like we had been in the same area for hours, gazing at the white walls that were surprisingly not too cracked. most of the tourists had left the mountain, as it began to get colder as time went by, but neither chris or i were affected what so ever.

“i’ve always wondered how ares felt about zeus and hera despising their own son” as soon as i had mentioned that, the boy standing before me froze in his spot, before looking down at the lack of grass underneath our feet.

“he hated it” he chuckled but it didn’t sound sincere, almost as though he was finding the two gods pathetic. and with that, we kept walking. that was until a bolt of lightning erupted out of nowhere, with dark grey clouds smothering the previous blue skies.

“what the fuck” i muttered as i stopped in my steps, but chris wasn’t fazed, as if this was a daily occurrence for him. was i dreaming? no maybe it’s just a very random storm. another thunderbolt hit the ground and i jumped in shock, i’m gonna get fucking hit.

“father not now...please” chris looked up and sighed deeply. did he just say father? i’m so confused. that was when the sky glowed and a boom sounded, but it sounded like a voice in the faintest. “please don’t” he was now pleading, begging on his knees. is this some sort of joke?

suddenly i felt dizzy, my body feeling light as i glanced up at the sky once more. my ears vibrated and a high pitched noise took over, until a voice caused me to stop in my steps. “aphrodite” i looked around, nobody but chris and i stood. the voice was manly, like the typical movies where they have an extremely deep voice of a god. my eyes closed and before i knew it, i was casted into a deep sleep.

-

my eyes fluttered open, i was in a place which was a bright shade of white, the bright sky lit up the area. it felt unfamiliar yet so familiar, maybe i was still dreaming. i gazed down at my clothing, the strips of gold covering the white robe caught my eye immediately, diamond and gold jewellery covered my arms.

soon enough i lifted my body off the extremely comfortable bedding and looked around properly. expensive furniture covered the room, until i saw myself in the reflection of the mirror, a glow sorrounded my form and i gasped at the sight. i’m dreaming wake up y/n. although despite the many times i pinched my skin, it was clear, i was not dreaming.

there was not a door covering the way into the room, so i stepped out and was met with a figure standing near the living area which surprisingly wasn’t too far away. it was chris. he was dressed so differently from the last time i saw him. he now adorned a long, robe which showed a large portion of his muscles which looked too good to be true.

“chris what the fuck is going on” he jumped at the sudden voice, before turning to face me. a small smile placed itself on his lips as he got up.

“i finally found you aphrodite” excuse me, what the hell did he just call me? i laughed out loud but he didn’t budge. “finally i found you in your human form after all of these years, i thought i lost you” he unexpectedly wrapped me in his embrace, but i couldn’t help but hold myself back and insisted on doing the same to him too.

“chris-” i couldn’t finish my sentence, still too shocked to say anything.

“my love, you must’ve lost your memory, have you ever wondered where your love for mythology came from?” to be honest, i just remember suddenly having a love for it and it kind of just stuck.

“am i dreaming?” he laughed and shook his head, oh god even his laugh was perfect.

“i’m so glad i found you again aphrodite, but let me introduce myself as you may have forgotten” he trailed off before coming closer towards me. “i’m your husband, ares, and i fought so much battles to find you”.

masterlist

i’m crying this is so bad

[everyman0]

A PALE BLUE GHOST

over on the discord, i announced my decision to make another trip to the Edge to try my luck at finding any kind of clue that could help me make sense of it. patrick gave me a whole lot of lip about not using his fucking mirror and other bullshit, but ill save that for another post. this is a lot more fresh and painful for me.

going back outside was a mistake.

i journeyed the five hours it took to get to the impenetrable black wall of the Edge. my plan was to walk down its length, survey anything unusual, you know. obviously i wouldnt have been able to observe all of it in one day as ive mentioned the area it covers is rather large, but i felt some effort was better than none at all, and i wasnt exactly comfortable with the idea of spending the night this far away from the house. simple enough right? there was nothing out of place on the way out here, so i hardly expected what i saw just as i approached the wall. 

it was jeff. sort of.

when i first saw him, he appeared almost like a reflection of me in the blackness. as i stepped closer to the wall, so did he step forward as well - until eventually seeming to step out of the wall entirely. we stood face to face, a mere foot apart, and i noticed then that his entire being was tinted with a pale blue.

i was terrified. i wanted to run away, but i couldnt make myself do it. so i asked timidly, "what are you doing here?"

jeff seems to come alive then.

"what? you told me to grab some stuff for the video today."

fucking bastard. i was still scared, but somehow i just knew he was mocking me. i frown, reaffirming my stance. i had to ask myself if jeff would even do such a thing to me...and then i figured yeah, probably - ghost or not.

"dont you dare pull that bullshit on me," i said, "those days are long gone." and they were. 

jeff laughs. "don't you miss it? simpler times." he splays his hands out like an offering. "cant be all that bad to pretend, for a little while."

i squint my eyes at him - both of them. these days i dont bother wearing an eyepatch, since the point was for evans comfort to begin with. now it doesnt matter that i have a gaping fucking hole in my head for all to see.

i ball my fists at my sides. "i dont have time to pretend, and i dont have time for this conversation - so lets get to the point. why are you here?"

"to see my old friend again! and to tell you there's always more than meets the eye." jeff then taps a finger underneath his left eye, and a phantom pain throbs in my own empty socket. i try to ignore it. 

"yeah, no shit," i say, and cross my arms. i was losing my patience. "if you're just going to spout vague nonsense at me like every other motherfucker does on a constant basis, i'm sorry to say but i will have to pass. i have more important things to do."

"like stand in front of this wall and bitch? is that what you're doing here?" jeff grins, and tilts his head at me. i just scoff, and deciding i had enough, i begin trying to do what i came to the wall for in the first place and begin walking parallel to it. jeff follows after me.

"im only bitching because here you are to distract me," i say, side-eyeing him, "so if you don't mind, kindly fuck off."

"i do mind, actually. why do you even want to leave? its paradise in here. no need to eat or drink, perfect climate, no irritating neighbors or awkward staredowns at the grocery store- you'd love it!"

i stop in my tracks. i hate that the sound of his voice is enough to get me to actually consider his words. but i do, and then i say:

"you know, for a while there, i did enjoy it. to an extent, anyways. you can only enjoy so much when you are all too aware of every little fucking thing. and maybe i could have handled the ghost thing, right? like you said, no neighbors or weird interactions. but then i saw this wall, and now i feel like a trapped animal - and im not okay with that."

"so if you couldnt see the wall, it'd be fine?"

i shake my head, "i came out here the first time to see if i could leave, and i wouldve kept walking if there was nothing to stop me. maybe i would have returned, after a while, had i done so. maybe not." i shrug, somewhat frustrated at the thought. "a wall is a wall, whether i can see it or not. seeing isnt the problem, the existence of the thing is."

"well yeah, but you can't just leave." jeff says it like its obvious. in hindsight, maybe it was. i could already imagine a few reasons as to why, but i wanted to pry out what jeff seems to think the answer is.

so i ask, "and why is that?"

jeff answers: "because there's...people, out there? like, innocent fuckin people, dude." well duh.

i roll my eyes, "im aware. but what does that have to do with me, exactly? habit is already somewhere else doing god knows what."

jeff looks on blankly. "we don't need two of you out there."

ouch. and unfortunately, on some level i believe it to be true. and the implication that i would intentionally hurt or even kill anyone like habit would...im sadly all too aware of the likelihood, really. it doesnt hurt because i feel bad, it hurts because i dont. however, i wasnt about to let this guy know that.

i say, "it's not like id be very social anyways. at this point, i dont think i could even stomach it."

jeff takes on a darker sort of air about him. "evidently so, based on how you treated evan. do you have your head screwed on straight, dude? because like, holy shit was that hard to watch."

i tense up, and i can feel a spark of anger rising from within me. guess it didnt matter what i tried to hide, jeff knew what weak points to hit.

"i was just trying to protect him." 

"uh huh," he nods, "sorry vinny, but you're not the guardian in this one."

"clearly," i grumble, "but i was fucking trying, okay?" i was trying. jeff thought otherwise.

"yeah, trying to get everyone killed. thanks for that one, by the way. you've been self absorbed, irresponsible, reckless and horrible to everyone around you that isn't the entity playing games with our lives, and you can't keep pretending it's not true! do some soul searching. meditate. i don't care. but you're not leaving any time soon, so you'd better get used to it." jeff jabs me in the chest with a pointed finger.

it didnt take but a moment to process jeffs words, and ultimately, i agree with him. im a terrible fucking person. i just am. but i wasnt going to give jeff the satisfaction of me fessing up to it - because i felt like all of this was beginning to become unproductive bullshit and i wanted to do what i came all the way out here to do dammit.

i go to smack jeffs hand away from me, but i come to find that i simply pass through him like he was air. i felt the jab, though, even if superficially. this confirms my suspicion about the ghost thing, but jeff was different from the ghosts in the town; like being able to talk and acknowledge my existence.

i take a step back, "we'll see about that. who the fuck made this wall, hm? you of all things must know right? since you are apparently a plethora of knowledge of good and evil now. can you do that much for me jeff?"

jeff considers my words before he turns away from me to face the terrible wall, his hands on his hips, and his head craning back to presumably observe the wall's endless climb into the sky above.

"habit designed this gaudy architecture as part of his grand scheme. you probably could have figured that much, eh? but what you wouldnt know is that its been here since the very beginning, before you even arrived at the house." he looks back at me, "come on vin. you should know by now that habit is well prepared...even if this timeline is bonkers. you shouldnt need me to tell you that."

i grumble in annoyance, but consider his words carefully. sure, maybe i didnt need him to tell me habit was a suspect in all this, and maybe i could have figured that out just by doing what i had originally planned with scouting the perimeter of the wall. but...here jeff was, telling me things outright. it was a convenient time saver really, even if he was going about it in a bitchy way. i needed to take advantage of this.

"so, if habit made this cage to keep me in, why shouldnt i try to break out? why shouldnt i try to fight his subjugation?"

"one, because habit has eons of experience over you and you'll likely fuck something up really badly," jeff says, and turns towards me again. "two, you're part of this place now. removing you would shatter a really delicate balance. the house is a place of fluctuation, because there's not enough power to sustain herself. and you're radiating power, dude. would you really just abandon her like that, after all she's done to keep you safe and alive?"

ouch again...ugh. i dont usually feel guilty over a lot of things, but jeffs second point seemed to get to me.

i relent. i cower my head to stare at the ground. "i wouldnt have left her forever."

jeff gives me a disappointed sigh. "go back home, man. she's really worried about you."

i bite my lip and give the slightest of nods. i still want to do what i can to escape, and i hadnt forgotten about why i came to the wall in the first place...but jeff's words had me thinking about my desires for the house. in truth, the house and i have formed a strange sort of...i dunno, friendship? its the closest human word i can think for it. i would talk to her, she would listen. id even clean up her rooms, even though ive observed that she can do it by herself.

i think she may be the only thing in this world that can understand me now.

so i feel like in some weird way, the house cares about me. she has done quite a few favors for me, after all; favors that kept me safer. jeff was right again, and i couldnt shake the wrongness of abandoning the house enough to continue talking my way out of this bind.

it was time to go then. but first, i look back up at jeff.

"what about you?" i ask, my mood seriously taking a nose dive off a cliff. sad and desperate and pathetic and lonely. "you came all this way from wherever, however you did it, to tell me all this...are you going to leave me now too, just like evan?" fuck. "i wouldn't blame you if you did...but i have to admit, it was nice seeing you again."

and truthfully, it was - despite the treatment i received. its fine. i deserved it.

jeff leans in, and i can feel the pity in his eyes as he puts a hand on my shoulder.

"that choice isn't mine to make."

and then he shoves me away from the wall with a force that sends me tumbling across the ground a good few feet. i think it fucked up my shoulder. its fine. deserved that too.

and then i went home.

>>

[trickstarbrave]

i tell myself not to and then from time to time accidentally scroll down and see that ppl w 0 media literacy skills cannot handle someone with grey morality especially *gasp* a character who did bad things trying to be better. add in the fact the character is an unreliable narrator and ppl are even dumbed

current story is the mc was a princess who was abused by her father horrifically bc she doesnt have magic powers despite being the smarter and more accomplished. the emperor sent her to literally die repeatedly. she had to be a soldier and fight to survive while he continued letting the poorest people die. she defended her people and cared about the lowest class of people

“but she KILLED anyone who DISAGREED WITH HER” she killed corrupt nobles who genuinely wanted her dead because she taxed them so uhhhh [checks notes] poor and disabled people specifically didn’t have to fucking die in the streets. the nobility were more than happy overall to let them all fucking die.

she also fucked up killing her brother, but her reasoning based on the little she had to go off of was sound and fits with how she was raised. her brother wa only picked to be heir because he had magic powers that validates the divine right of kings. thats it. he is not smarter. he is not more well spoken. he is not more fit to govern in the slightest. he was just picked because with magic they have a tangible thing to dangle over the heads of other nobility and commoners and without that the other nobles or even commoners might start questioning why they deserve to govern. 

and she feels horrible for it. she beats herself up over it. when she says “i was a horrible terrible person who deserved not being loved” that is not objective fact from a narrator and for some reason the story continues on making us suffer to watch an Objectively Bad person try to redeem herself. no that is her opinion of herself. her memories that are not actually entirely objectively true. she did not in fact know everything. when the other nobility had her executed for being a “tyrant” it was because she fucking taxed them to help the commoners and they lied to the common folk and said she spent it all on stupid shit (some of which she did but come on. thats nobility in general)

her husband didnt hate her. he literally didnt tell her what was wrong with him because he was afraid of her and couldnt think clearly bc. he was being driven insane by HIS magic powers. if he had told her she probably would have helped him and he wouldnt have had to die. but he didnt so she instead believed he was having an affair and never loved her. would their relationship have been beyond saving? probably but still. she wasn’t a horrible unloveable monster.

she was bad because that was how she was raised. literally any of us in similar circumstances would have come out just as fucking awful. its easy when you have no critical thinking stills to think because you were raised in a different system with different morals and a different social class you are morally correct by virtue of your very soul/personality. but in truth, you’re not. in a different life with different circumstances you too can be horrible, unjust, and kill those closest to you in what you misguidedly believe is the best way to save other people. you too can horribly fuck up. and if you were given a second chance, and learned that what you learned and were taught from birth was correct was in fact wrong, would you want people heckling you and saying you are beyond redemption and were born evil?

they also talked a lot about how “dying isnt punishment enough she needs to go to hell” you all believe in hell because you genuinely do believe some ppl are born wrong and Bad and deserve to burn forever and you are good and just just by virtue of you being you and you will go to heaven and be happy forever. “reincarnation and horrific ptsd where you try to right all your wrongs isnt bad enough i need to see you get boiled alive” relishing in condemnation of another person, even just a character, is so fucked up esp as you refuse to see the narrative devices proving she is just as much a victim of circumstances as everyone else in this fucking story pretty much.

tl;dr: i think some people hate morally grey fucked up characters because they cannot fathom that they too in a different set of circumstances would be “bad”. that they too would do horrible things. because then that means good and evil are not innate traits but choices and circumstances that make a person. and would have to examine their own lives and times they have done things that were needlessly cruel and harsh to the people they loved and confront that they did something Bad and that they are multifaced, complex people who have to actively choose to be good and unlearn their own harmful traits they grew up indoctrinated in. that they have to choose kindness and constantly reevaluate themselves rather than believing they are good and everything they do is good.

reading webcomics and webnovels is a curse actually bc i have to read the awful stupid comments other ppl leave on this god forsaken internet

[wongpuppy]

FATED, huang xuxi

↳ Rating lots of fluff + slight crack

↳ Pairing player!Xuxi x Y/N

↳ Word count 5k [ one-shot / soulmate!au ]

↳ Summary the red thread of fate was real after all, managing to make something out of nothing

Red Thread of Fate: ancient Chinese mythology about the lunar matchmaking god Yuè Lâo tying a red thread around the ankles of destined lovers at the age of 21; regardless of place, time, or circumstances.

The DJ played hectic, bass heavy EDM tracks that contrasted drastically to the semi formal themed party. You down the red of the alcoholic contents in the red solo cup with a wide smile, turning to your best friend Ella.

“Thank you for forcing me to come! I’m having the time of my life!”

Stress has been your closest best friend lately, with all the exams and projects being thrown at you. So when Ella asked you to go out with her, you were definitely more than hesitant at first.

You throw your hands in the air and Ella smirks at you. “I told you you’d have a blast.”

The sea breeze flows through your hair when you close your eyes and throw your head back, appreciating the open decked yacht and everything this extravagant party had to offer. You were on some random yacht off the coast, still close enough to be able to see the city. The moon was completely full tonight, high and dominating the entire sky.

Your tipsy mind free from troubles and bad thoughts. You felt reborn the moment the time went past midnight.

The DJ announces that it was midnight and the crowd cheers heavily and you join, not really knowing why exactly the mass of people were going crazy.

“You never did tell me what club this is or event this was, you know.” You take another cup of beer from the bar and chug the whole thing down in one go.

Ella’s eyes widen at your question and she laughs nervously, sipping on the cup in her hands. “Funny story, Y/N.”

You motion for her to go along whilst nodding and dancing to the song the DJ played, not really focused on what she was saying.

“This isn’t a club or event.” She sighs and avoids your gaze. Eun says the next sentence quick and all in one breath, knowing exactly how you’re gonna take it. “Its Xuxi’s yacht, and he’s now officially 21!”

Your best friends throws her hands in the air as if to cheers, but you felt every ounce of alcohol fade once she mentions the younger boys name. Whether it was the tequila shots or just how much you hated him, your hearts been racing ever since Xuxi was brought into the conversation.

You knew you could never date a guy younger than you, even if it was just a few months younger like him.

“Are you fucking with me?” Your arms are immediately crossed against your chest as you stare at Ella with a narrow gaze.

Needless to say, Xuxi and your relationship was pretty worse for wear. You loathed him, his intensely cocky personality and ‘i’m richer and better than you’ attitude was a complete turn off. Everything about Huang Xuxi was a complete turn off.

“He invited us.” She shrugged. “You were having so much fun before I mentioned it was his party.”

Invited us? Give me a break. As far as you could tell, Xuxi hated you almost just as much as you hated him. He sneered at you whenever he saw you and even gave you the nickname Top Bitch. Which, to be honest, didn’t really sound all that bad to you.

“Exactly.” You sigh and feel a headache come out of nowhere, leaving you clutching your right temple. “I’m allergic to even the slightest mention of him, I just got a headache. I’ll be back, don’t think you’re in the green.”

You move past the crowd to get towards the bathroom, or anywhere that was at least somewhat quiet. Going inside the large living room, you walk towards a bathroom but when you knock and only hear explicit noises on the other side; you cringe and leave. So you go towards the main bedroom instead, walking in when no one answers your knock.

The empty and quiet room let you release a sigh in happiness, massaging your temples. Contemplating laying down on the large and inviting white bed, you go to the bathroom instead; only feeling your temples throb even more.

You wince as you walk towards and pull open the door to the bathroom only to jump back and shriek at the sight.

None other than Huang Xuxi was leaning against the sleek marble sink, clutching his forehead until he jumped at the sound of the door opening and a girly squeal. You watch him groan and wince before turning to you.

But, amazingly once you connect eyes, the throbbing pain is gone and all you feel is relief. Your shoulders relax, your head feels light, its like a wave of serenity flows all through your body. You couldn’t help but feel so at ease, its like you forgot who you were currently gawking at.

“Y/N?” Xuxi looks at you with dazed, confused eyes before looking you up and down, iris’ doubling size at the sight of your feet. “Oh my god.”

You quickly look down and you instantly get why, mouth falling open.

Your black minidress and strappy black heels allowed for a thin, glowing red thread to wrap and tie itself around your ankle. But it didn’t stop there, you watched in horror as it continued onto the bathrooms tilled floors and under Xuxi’s pants, presumably to tie around his ankle.

You swallow thickly. The string felt like nothing but Xuxi and you could definitely see it, the vibrant red surrounded by a bright white light.

“What the hell is going on? Did you do this? Is this some sort of joke?” You stare at the last visible end of the thread before it disappears under the tall, irritating boys pants. He sighs, still staring at your ankle and the ribbon with a disbelieving look.

“No, princess, its a stupid fairytale my dad used to tell me. Guess its fucking real, huh.” Xuxi squeezes his eyes shut and you’re stood there in the doorway between the bedroom and bathroom still in shook. “Red thread of fate, a Chinese myth about a string that ties around two fated lovers ankles. We’re... We’re soulmates.”

The two of you stare at each other with disbelief written all over your faces, before you burst into laughter. “Thats a joke right? You’re definitely messing with me.”

When Xuxi continues to stare at you with his wide brown eyes, your laughter soon fades when you realize his facial expression wasn’t changing at all. Your face falls and you quickly reach down to your ankle, trying to pull at the string. Your hand just goes through it, as if it was just a hologram.

Your jaw drops. “H-How?”

“I don’t know.” Xuxi replies, eyes watching your hand go through the thread, yet the thread followed your foot wherever it went. “This... This is so fucked up.”

You grumble and give up, sitting on the floor and careful not to flash that guy-your soulmate your undies. Crossing your arms across your chest, the both of your eyes set on the thread connecting the two of you. You swallow thickly when a thought comes to your mind.

“Why aren’t you calling me Top Bitch?”

Thats when you fully take notice that this whole hour consisted of a very different Xuxi, one that hasn’t called you any names or threw a comment at you. He hasn’t cursed at you, hasn’t given you any looks, this was definitely unusual for Xuxi. This Xuxi was full of big, brown eyes that seemed to be permanently dazed. His words were softer, almost as if Xuxi’s voice got gentler the second he turned 21.

Xuxi’s eyes whip to yours and they’re obviously wide. “Holy shit. I haven’t called you that.” He swallows thickly and quickly looks away from your gaze with pink on his cheeks. “I don’t feel like I want to anymore.”

For the first time in the whole three years you’ve known Xuxi, your heart flutters for a second. But that one second is so profound it leaves you clutching your chest and shaking your head slowly.

“What is going on with me?”

“You’re falling for me, Y/N.” Xuxi lightly smirks for the first time since the two of you locked eyes, which is very surprising. He sighs a second later and taps the sink. 

“Shut the fuck up.” You sneer at him and scrunch your face. “This is all my drunk mind and everything will wear off in an hour or two.”

Xuxi sits on the floor leaning against the sinks drawers. “Enjoying my party?” He’s sitting across from you and the end of his feet reach your knees where the ends of yours reach the middle of his calf. You take a quick inhale and look away.

“I guess. Then this crazy migraine came out of nowhere and now I’m here.”

“Same here. But its completely gone now.”

That definitely meant your headaches were connected. There was no way the both of you could get a headache at the same time then have it leave at the same time. 

The red thread. 

Your eyes narrow and you go to nudge his calf, but once your foot touches his leg, it was like adrenaline flew through your bodies, goosebumps instantly rising. And when you looked at the thread, it started to slowly loose its vibrancy. Your eyes widened.

“Xuxi, look, if we’re touching the string gets dimmer and fades really slowly. If I pull away it stops.” You show him and nod to yourself with a small grin. “So it should fade away the more we’re touching.”

When you look up at Xuxi, he looks as if he was daydreaming but looking directly at you. His lips were in a small side smile and eyes low. The way he managed to look at you pretty intimately made your cheeks pink. “I think that’s the first time you’ve said my name.”

“Thats definitely not true.” You scoff and can’t help but laugh under your breath. Xuxi’s grin widens just a little at the sight.

“Lets just say it was then.”

Your grin is unbearably wide and you couldn’t believe it, never once thinking Xuxi of all people would be making you blush. But then you remember that it was Xuxi and you clear your throat and rolled your eyes. “Please, Xuxi, how many other girls have you used that on?”

“If I’m being completely honest, a lot.” Xuxi twists the rings on his fingers and you scoff loudly. When you sit up to leave, he leans forward and lightly grasps the back of your calf and you let out an audible gasp.

It was crazy, it felt like butterflies that took a lot of steroids.

“But up until an hour ago, I’ve only been thinking about one girl and its only been you.” You’re standing up and you swallow thickly at the honesty in his voice and big, brown eyes. “Which is fucking insane because we’re supposed to hate each other... right?”

You run your hands through your hair and sigh. “Its this red string thing. But the feelings aren’t real, it’ll all fade, look.”

You point to your ankles and the slightly faded string but Xuxi keeps his eyes on you, swallowing thickly at your sentence.

“Don’t you... don’t you feel like this is something more?”

Your eyes snap back up to Xuxi’s and your throat goes dry. He immediately gets up and motions between the two of you. “I don’t know about you but I’ve never felt anything like this before and I’ve been in love, so, this is different.”

You narrow your eyes at him. Xuxi? In love? That was an idea you never would’ve connected. Yet, you couldn’t help but agree. Even if you’ve never really been in love, you’ve felt it and knowing exactly how much you hated Xuxi, whatever was still keeping you in the bathroom with him was powerful.

“Why us?” You sigh and squeeze your eyes shut. “I’m soulmates with a guy who sleeps with a different girl every night!”

“Hey.” Xuxi frowns and takes a few steps towards you. “Thats not true. You know I won’t do that to you, I’m not that type of guy in relationsh-“

This Xuxi was definitely one that you aren’t used to, seeing him in a completely different light. It was as if he really did care.

“I don’t know that you wouldn’t do that to me!” You point a finger to his chest and ignore the sparks that go off from the smallest contact. “And don’t talk about us in a relationship, take a few steps back.”

He rolls his eyes and holds his hands up, moving back and away from you. And even though you know you asked him to move back, you couldn’t help but feel a loss of comfort the more steps Xuxi took. You groan at the feeling.

“I need air.” You mutter, taking one last fleeting look across Xuxi and his big, wide eyes before walking out of the bathroom and bedroom, and out towards the empty front deck. The entire walk your eyes were focused on the red string around your ankle.

No one else seemed to notice the string, as it followed your ankle through the mass of people. When you got to the deck, you take a deep breath and sigh. The three years of unfortunate encounters with Xuxi and you could be compared to a cat and dog type of relationship. The two of you went at it back and forth, ever since you first met.

Three years ago

You and your friends were at some random dorm hall on campus, playing pool and chilling in the community game room. It was around 9:36pm on a Sunday so campus was almost empty, save for the guys playing pool casually next to you.

Not gonna lie, you noticed them the minute you walked in the room, talking to your roommate Ella. Especially the taller, blonde one. He was probably the most beautiful guy you’ve ever seen, with full lips and broad shoulders, he was definitely gonna be stuck in your head for a few days.

But when he caught you staring, he gave you a cocky smirk that had you rolling your eyes. If theres one thing you hated, it was a conceited guy who played girls with that exact smirk.

You’ve had too much experience and you were sure this wouldn’t add to it. In the corner of your eye you watch him and a couple of his friends walk over and you groan, nudging Ella. “They’re coming over.”

“Sheesh, blondies a looker. I caught you rolling your eyes when you saw him.” She sneaks a look at him and turns back to you with a satisfied grin.

“Not my type.” You cross your arms across your chest and boldly turn to watch him and his friends get closer. “He’s way to cocky for me, I feel it.”

“I like them confident.” Ella eyes you. “Can I go for him?”

“Go for it.” You shrug at her and turn back when the guy in question and his friends are in front of you and your friends.

“I don’t think we’ve seen any of you before.” The blonde guy keeps his gaze and smirk locked securely on you. “Do you live in the hall?”

“We live in Beacon across campus.” Even if Ella’s the one that spoke up and answered, Xuxi takes his time looking away from you to her. You scoff.

“Interesting.” He turns back to you with a cheeky grin. “I’m Xuxi.”

“My names Ella.” She holds out her hand towards him and he looks away from you with a little wink. You shake your head and turn to his friends instead. They seemed a lot calmer than Xuxi, the two boys now turned to you with warm grins.

“Hey, I’m Y/N.” You nod your head at them and they nod back. The one with light brown hair and a pretty smile answers first.

“My names Kun, I’m Xuxi’s roommate.”

“Sicheng, nice to meet you.” The boy with flawless features and light blonde hair replies.

“Nice to meet you guys too, both of you freshman?”

“No, Sicheng and I are sophomores. This is your first semester here?” Kun replies and you nod grinning at him.

“And you aren’t caught up by the force that is Huang Xuxi, impressive.” Sicheng smirks and you laugh a little, shrugging.

“Theres a lot more to a pretty face.” You look back over to Xuxi and where he stood with your friends a couple feet away. You turn back to them with a grin. “So what’re you guys’ majors?”

“Xuxi and I are both business majors.” Kun replies with a shrug. “I’m not really into it, more into editing and videography, which I do on the side.” 

“I’m a theatre major.” Theres a faint pink hue that spreads across Sicheng’s face until he shrugs it off. “My parents wouldn’t let me go to acting school so this is the closest thing to that.” 

You laugh loudly and shake your head at the two of them, already knowing you’re going to like them. “That’s really cool. I’m a bio major, but I might switch because it’s already getting hard and I don’t like that.” 

Kun visibly cringes while Sicheng shrugs. The lighter blonde boy smirks at you, nudging Kun. “He failed intro to bio twice in his freshman year, it was pretty sad.” 

You laugh again and when your eyes fleet across the room for a second, you catch Xuxi’s eyes. He turns back to you with another smirk.

“I don’t think I got your name.” Xuxi excuses himself from the girls before walking over to you without another word.

“It’s Y/N.” You give him an unimpressed look when he looks you up and down. He grins wolfishly.

“Thats a lovely name and, do I hear an accent?”

“Get her whole life story then her snapchat, bro, always works.” Kun scoffs and you grin at him. You pull out your phone towards Kun and Sicheng, away from Xuxi.

“Speaking of, can I get the both of yours?”

Both their eyes widen slightly before nodding and pulling out their phones and exchanging codes. Behind you, you can hear Ella and the girls hounding Xuxi for his snapchat and you release a sigh of relief.

Until Kun turns to the girls and asks for their usernames. Whilst Kun and Sicheng were getting the girls’ codes, it left you and yours truly free.

“So, Y/N,” Xuxi takes a few steps towards you, “my snapchats h-u-a-x-u-x-i.”

You raise a brow. “I don’t remember asking for it, do you?”

He looks confused for a second before his smirk grows. “You’re feisty, huh. Don’t worry, babe, I love a challenge.”

You scrunch your face in disgust, wondering how such pretty looks can be obscured by such a narrow personality. But before you could say anything, Ella’s voice calls Xuxi’s name and you sigh in relief.

“I’ll catch you in a bit, Y/N.” He winks at you while walking backwards and towards Ella. You wave with a fake smile before turning away with a roll of your eyes. You turn to Kun and Sicheng instead, enjoying their company much more than Xuxi’s.

Later that night you get a notification on your phone and its a request from none other than ‘huaxuxi’ himself. You nibble on your bottom lip for a few minutes before accepting it. And you already felt like you would regret this.

Xuxi: Kun spilled and told me your username :)

Y/N: tell kun i dont like him anymore

Xuxi: Does that mean you like me more?

Y/N: that would require me to like you in the first place :)

It only takes Xuxi a week before he realizes that you actually didn’t like him and decided that you thought of yourself too highly. From then came Top Bitch and the countless sneers and scoffs. 

And thats just how it was for the both of you, never any different.

You’re sitting in the cafeteria with the girls when some of the NCT boys walk by, making you roll your eyes and sink in your seat lower catching a glimpse of who was there. But instead of walking up to your table, Xuxi just walks by and doesn’t even say hi making you furrow your brows. 

“Did Xuxi just ignore me?” You mutter to Ella once he’s a good distance away. You keep looking at him sneakily behind her shoulder and when he catches your gaze, instead of smirk or wink, Xuxi glares at you. “Holy shit he just glared at me.” 

“Maybe he gave up, isn’t that what you wanted?” Ella replies, shrugging at you. 

“Yeah.” You say quietly, swallowing thickly when your throat goes a little dry. “Yeah, it is.”

⇝⇝⇝

It isn’t until that moment that you realized you completely ditched Ella. You groan and quickly pull out your phone from the back of your tight, strapless dress. Texting her where you were, you at least knew she would still be on the boat.

You put away your phone and sigh, leaning against the yacht railing and watching the moonlight play against the water, the full moon still bright and powerful. The cities colorful and lit skyline looks almost animated and magical.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

You turn your head to the sound of your best friends voice, Ella walking towards you with narrowed eyes. You sigh and shake your head.

“You wouldn’t believe what I went through.”

Ella raises a brow at you once she’s beside you. “Oh? Do tell.”

You nibble on your bottom lip and realize you didn’t even know where to begin. How do you tell someone that a magical, mythical Chinese fable about soulmates happened to you?

“Remember three years ago when we met Xuxi?”

Ella’s eyes get a bit widened, noticing the way you say his name without cringing. She nods and motions for you to go on.

“Why didn’t you ever go for him?”

“Oh, honey,” she sighs and rolls her eyes, “I tried. He was just too... preoccupied, I guess.”

“Preoccupied?” You furrow your brows and turn back to the view.

“Y/N, he was like hooked on you the minute he saw you. Theres no way you didn’t notice.”

You sigh loudly and face her with a stressed look.

“Do you see anything tied around my ankle?”

Ella gives you a funny look before looking down and confusedly on your ankle. “No? It’s too dark, here let me put flash on.”

You look down at the still half vibrant red thread that stood out in the darkness with a sigh. “Never mind, it’s okay.”

“Are you okay, Y/N?” Your best friend gives you a worried look, never seeing you like this before.

Your chin wobbles and you close your eyes. “Xuxi and I, we’re soulmates.”

Ella stares at you, waiting for you to shout ‘JK’ or to laugh it off. But your straight face doesn’t falter, making your best friends eyes widen.

“How do you know? Xuxi? Soulmates?”

Your eyes pull open and you sigh at her. “Its hard to explain but yeah it’s true.”

“Is it true to you though?”

You look at Ella’s face and hesitates before nodding a little. Now that you were apart from Xuxi, your mind was clear but there was an obvious divide. When you were with him there was electricity in the air, sparks flying from the slightest look. It felt like something else completely being around him, it felt nice. Inviting.

“Yeah, Ella, I do.”

⇝⇝⇝

Xuxi collapses on his bed with a loud sigh, already feeling his headache coming back. He knew you were walking further and further, spending three minutes earlier just watching the red thread twist and turn.

Theres no time for him to be alone with his thoughts as his best friend Sicheng walks in a few seconds later. “Xuxi, bro, why are you still in here? The parties outside!”

Xuxi sits up on his bed and rubs his hands over his face. “Have your parents told you about that myth about the red thread of fate? About the soulmates?”

Sicheng furrows his brows and gets up from his place where he was leaning against a desk table. His confused face was obvious, Xuxi never being the one to talk anything about love, feelings, or soulmates. “Yeah, why?”

“Its true, bro.” Xuxi sighs and avoids Sicheng’s eyes, focusing on the floor. “Y/N and I...”

Sicheng’s eyes snap down to the exact placement of the thread and he comes closer. “I don’t see anything, Xux.”

“Obviously.” The taller boy motions for the vibrant red string. “But Y/N and I definitely do.”

“No fucking way.” The other Chinese guy shakes his head staring at Xuxi’s ankle. Until a smirk blooms on his face. “Y/N, though? I’m not surprised.”

“Right?!” Xuxi groans and stops, realizing Sicheng said the complete opposite of what he thought the guy would say. “Wait, what do you mean? We hated each other.”

“In the whole three years we’ve known each other, Y/N’s the only girl thats been consistently in your life that isn’t family.” Sicheng shrugs and continues to smirk at the boy sitting on the bed. “Which is insane because, you know, it’s you. And I am now 30 dollars richer thanks to you and Mr. Kun.”

Xuxi completely skips over the second sentence once Sicheng finishes talking, turning to the boy with wide eyes and an incredulous look. “The both of you bet on Y/N and me?!”

“To date, yeah, but this whole fate thing is basically the same thing, right?” Sicheng laughs loudly and winks at Xuxi. “I’m joking, man. But, knowing Y/N, she isn’t too happy with this?”

“That’s an understatement. She’s outside getting air.” Xuxi lays back down with a groan. “When it went past midnight, its like my feelings towards Y/N flipped. I feel so different towards her, like, I don’t mind this whole... situation, you know? The whole soulmates thing?”

“Then what the fuck are you doing here?” Sicheng claps loudly, instantly pulling him out of his reverie and forces Xuxi on his feet. “Go and tell her that!”

“Are you sure?” Xuxi gives him a small look, not really knowing what to do in this position at all. He was used to girls but you were something completely different, not like any girl he’s ever dealt with. The last thing Xuxi wanted to do was piss you off, knowing how heated you would get. 

“One hundred percent.” The shorter boy shrugs with a smirk. “When am I ever wrong, Xux? Now, go!”

Xuxi hurriedly runs out of the bedroom without a second thought, racing to find you. It was clear as day in his mind now, Xuxi realized that all these years of detesting you was nothing but a hoax, because if you were ever somehow out of his life; Xuxi wouldn’t know what to do. 

He doesn’t stop to wink or talk to girls, only thanking and waving at the people who told him happy birthday. Xuxi was a man on a mission, racing through his yacht to get you.

“Y/N.” He gets to the front deck and slows his steps when you aren’t alone. Your best friend, Ella, he recognized, stood beside you with dear in headlights eyes. “Oh, shit, sorry, I thought you were alone.”

“Oh! Its okay, I was just asking about rides back home.” Ella laughs nervously, nudging you low key. “I’ll see you in a bit, okay?”

You nod and watch your best friend leave, not without throwing you a thumbs up and wink before she was gone. When its just you and Xuxi, the electricity is back and the headache is gone.

“Your headache stopped too?” You ask him and he nods at first before he realizes what you asked and Xuxi’s eyes widened.

“How did you know my head hurt?”

You shrug and the corner of your lips pull up. “Soulmate thing.”

Xuxi’s eyes focus on your smile for a second longer then bubbling laughter flows out of him. He takes some steps closer to you, reaching forward to hold your hand. Theres the feeling of pop rocks the second your hands touch and its addictive.

“The feelings aren’t fake or gonna fade in a day or two.” Xuxi clears his throat and blushes a little, the tops of his ears turning red. “They’ve always been there. This whole string thing just made me realize it.” 

The moonlight, colorful city lights, and fairy lights decked throughout the yacht made this moment so magical, for the first time that night, you fully believed in the old Chinese wise tale. 

“You piss me off a lot but I don’t know what I’d do without it.” You say with a shrug, smirking not long after. Xuxi chuckles and bites down on his lip, looking down at you.

“Are you willing to give it a shot, Y/N?”

You sigh and playfully roll your eyes, standing closer to him. “I guess I will, Xuxi.”

The red thread between the two of you dissolves almost all together the longer the two of you keep smiling at each other. Seconds later, fireworks go off in the backdrop and scares you, making you shriek and jump. Xuxi laughs loudly and holds you against his chest, watching the colorful lights in the sky.

“I forgot the fireworks went off at 2am.”

“Why 2 in the morning?” You laugh loudly, unable to stop yourself from clutching onto his chest to get closer. The warmth Xuxi gave off was so inviting.

“So people don’t forget it’s my birthday.” Xuxi smirks to himself, obviously proud of himself. You roll your eyes but laugh none the less.

“You’re unbelievable, Xuxi.”

[tumblunni]

OH FUCK I THINK I FINALLY CRACKED THE CODE OF WHY I ALWAYS LIKE THE VILLAINS BETTER

Like man it always makes me so confused cos i mean im a soft AF person and i always end up having sympathetic redemption headcanons for them so its not like i like VILLAINY ITSELF but what else do all these characters have in common?

Thats it. Thats it, ursula helped me crack it.

I just WANT THOSE TRAITS ON THE HEROES

I really want a nice confident sassy funny chubby trans auntie who promotes body positivity to our young hero and always gets to say the coolest lines and get the best moments and BE LOVED FOR WHO SHE IS

And like usually whenever you get anywhere close to seeing those "villain traits" on a hero they like.. Remove all the good parts. If you have a supportive hero aunt she's always boring and generically supportive instead, and has to look like the most stereotypical boring mess ans have a super small plot role and uuuugh thats IF SHES EVEN THERE i mean seriously aunties and grandmas are weirdly less represented as mentors than grandpas who are already REALLY HARD TO FIND and again OFTEN GENERIC AND UNFUN WHENEVER THEY GET TO APPEAR

And how damn often are we allowed to have a chubby gay aunt!! WHERE IS MY CHUBBY GAY AUNT!! ive met SO MANY chubby gay aunts in real life like 90% of all my psychologists have been either that or like.. The exact same but a straight lgbt ally instead. Sassy plus size aunties are THE BACKBONE OF OUR SOCIETY DAMMIT! I've had so much help thanks to sassy gay aunts!! And like even just looking at any damn crowd scene in a normal city centre youre gonna see so many chubby aunts and long nosed uncles and all those sorts of bullshit "ugly people" that mass media pretends are ugly and relegates to One Minor Role In The Entire Cast despite them being infinately more common than supermodels and NOT UGLY AT ALL GEEZ IT PISSES ME OFF SO MUCH

I cant believe im a fuckin disney villain fan cos of body positivity

Tfw u suck so bad at making hateable people that the fandom universally hugs all your villains and ignores your boring protagonists like fuckin TAKE THAT DIDNEY

God i wanna hug hades sooo bad he just needs a friend aaaaaa

And i mean its not just disney, every damn time ive obsessed over a villain its been because they have some trait thats supposed to be "bad" but its actually good and we dont get to see it on the heroes

Like my thing with science villains in particular is that when i first played ff7 i really liked the idea of an evil minion who's a bad sidekick not just because he's "dumb" or "bumbling" but because he's actually not interested in any of the evil stuff and he works against his own boss and is like.. Friendly to the heroes, i have no particular grudge against you and i wont stop you if im off duty and all. I liked the Turks for the same reason but in the origibal ff7 translation they were kind of stoic and serious and i didnt really become as much of a fan of them til i saw them being more goofy and comic relief in some optional sidequests and then their movie adaptation. But hojo was always being all "lol my boss's plan is so stupid amirite" and had that very memorable scene where he's just sunbathing and tells you everything you need to know to get to the next thing to ruin his boss's plan cos i mean fuck it who even cares im just here to soak up some sun while fully dressed in a turtleneck and labcoat. It sucked so much that he was such a reprehensible bastard with creepy sexual assault vibes and murder and child abuse and experimenting on people and basically just NOT A LOVEABLE VILLAIN but his CONCEPT held so much potential to be filled by a sympathetic character instead...

So yeah then cos of him i kept being obsessed with finding SOME CHARACTER SOMEWHERE that actually lived up tp that potential, and thats why i was instantly interested in charon from pokemon and totally on edge waiting for the slightest chance for him to become That Perfect Sass Gramps Of Legend. And then he was indeed sassy!! And had so little screenyime that there was potential for interpretation of him as potentially redeemable cos i mean the game never said he wasnt, the game barely said anything about him at all, lol. And he was so old and small and frail looking and i just wanted to protect him!! And then that one wifi event that actually hinted at synpatheticness!! Aaaa its a recipe for a Forever Fave~

And i guess maybe it all started with my grandma being awesome and me really missing her? Cos i had shitty abusive parents and she was my ONLY good family member who showed me what love was like. And she was also basically a supervillain. Like every damn supervillain trait except being evil! She was bombastic and confident and sassy and mischievious and loud and passionate about stuff and always had something funny to say and never gave up no matter how many times she failed. And she also used all that great power for the forces of good!

So yeh thats why i love sassy good guys and i hate that often even when a sassy villain gets redeemed they seem to lose all their edge and become more generic now theyre a good guy. Or they get totally sidelined with no screentime anymore, or they ONLY get to be comic relief and dont get the full and complex redemption they deserve. Or just a lot of bads!! Its never the simplest answer of just fuckin.. Keep the character the character. Thats kinda why i didnt feel too much for the maleficent movie even though the concept itself sounded like everything i ever wanted. The character in that movie is a very different person to origibal maleficent, she's more just a stoic tsundere mumsy figure than a hammy badass iconicness. Still a nice villain redemption but it felt like it would have been better as an original story instead of an attempted maleficent. Also i wish they handled it better with the whole "true love's kiss could be from your mum instead" thing cos i get sooooo grossed out whenever i see people shipping movie maleficent and aurora! Like yes sleeping beauty with lesbians would be great but not when one of them is old enough to be her mum and raised her like a mum and changed her goddamn diapers! Also why did they have to ruin the three good fairies just to make maleficent have the mum opportunity? Like just remove them from the story if you wanted maleficent to raise the kid instead. No need to rewrite them into incompetant assholes when they were everyone's fave part of the original! Dont sacrifice the rare and elusive Good Sassy Gay Aunts!! THEYRE LIKE THE ONLY ONES IN DIDNEY!!! (Incodentally merlin is the equivelant of this to hades as the fairies are to ursula)

Also also villains tend to have ACTUAL FLAWS in stories that have a more boring bland protagonist. I wanna see the story behind charon's neuroses and how he struggles with overcoming his temptation to be bad because of greed but ultimately manages to conquer his own negative side because power of friendship and such. Thats a great character arc that provides so much more than he does as a villain where they just wasted him entirely :(

SO BASICALLY IN SUMMARY

* villains are often more complex and well developed characters with flaws while the same wroter might make shitty heroes due to the illogical fear that nobody would root for them if they werent 100% perfect and successful at everything ever

* villains are also often made as negative stereotypes of minorities and other rarely seen traits, which means its easy to reach out to them and reclaim them as a more positive version when theres literally no other options for you to cling to

* the quite common accidental sympathy factor where a villain will seem to be hated more than they deserve for their actions, ir unjustly punished so much that they feel like an underdog, since the writer assumes you'll think theyre "more evil" for being a stereotype and if you dont agree that this thing is bad then it seems like they have way less sins than the story claims they do

* also sass. Sass is good.

But basically the whole root of it is that its stupid and cruel and doesnt goddamn work when you make villains bigoted stereotypes. It just makes me love them! The only person i hate when i see a stereotypical villain is the writer who thought that was a good idea, lol. Just imagine that meme of the samurai holding the cat but its me holding all disney villains!

Also even if a villain isnt outright intentionally meant to be "this minority is bad", it can still make me symoathetic to them if theyre still something thats rare amoung the hero side in the same series. Like charon being the "most unredeemable" villain despite being the most harmless and funny and his plan being so much less world destroying than cyrus, and also he's the only grandpa villain in like.. The whole of all. And he's drawn very much in that way thays supposed to be "ugly" i.e normal grandpa, vs that weird sort of younger than he looks grandpa that hero ones tend to be because blablabla beauty ewuals goodness anti body positivity whatever. Tho actually sinnoh was good with that, they had the best grandpa professor in my opinion cos he got to be sassy too! Rowan always reminds me of auron from ff10. Sinnoh was a good game where i liked a lot of both the heroes and villains even if i still had more villain faves cos i mean pokemon is always biased towards that for me since every game has a voiceless perosnalityless main character and often theyre the one doing most of the heroing with the supporting hero characters having surprisingly little proper screen time. Thats a big part of why i loved hau gladion and lillie in sun and moon! They felt more like a real friend group than any other ones before.

ANYWAY now im just going offtopic into more "i love lots of stuff about every pokemon game" so ill stop typing now

But just basically VILLAINS ARE GOOD COS THEYRE GOOD CHARACTERS and if those stories gavethe same character a good guy role then id still love them just as much, if not more. I dont specifically like villainy, its just that my definition of a good character is often considered a bad character by lazy writers, apparantly?

Also WHERE IS MY SUPPORTIVE GOOD GRAMPS CHARON GAME AND GAY AUNTIE URSULA GIVES YOU FASHION TIPS SMARTPHONE MMO

[that-whatever]

so i found this in my drafts

i was gonna flush it out but now i think ill just post it as is, its my thought of how each of the vox machina gang reacted to the quote from bard lament (or at least one of that set) where vax said “He's family, and family leaves’  idk it just hit me hard in that moment how each one of the vm group could really relate to that, it gets longer with each member (as this was me sort of in character ranting at 3am) and its missing pike, again i planned on flushing this out but its been ages now, so, 

Keylet - her mom, left without a proper goodbye, on bad days hopes shes dead, at least that way it wasn't her choice, on better days that shes kidnapped and tortured, if she's alive out there shell have to exp a pain she doesn't want of abandonment and rejection she knows its wrong she does but if she finds out she's been out there all these years, never returning on her own volition, she doesn't know what she’d do

Percy - lost enough ppl to make him feel sick at night, a large family of parents, siblings, children god they were children he’s surrounded by loss but what hurts more than anything is that he left he left his sister to the fucking wolves to die even unknowingly he abandoned her, left her. the emotions he's plagued with and he consciously does it every day, she's breaking at the seam overloaded and overwhelmed with work, running a city he should be carrying, its the least he could do he tells himself she has more preparation for this, but he's not too sure that helps him feel better shes stopped asking him to come back to help her after his constant rejections, but he can see the pleading in her dark circles and graying hair he left her then, and he's done it every day since. out with his friends while his sister lies trapped in her castle with no knight in sight

Grog was never one for emotions, he's really only ever felt three, in his whole life, happy, angry and hungry, that's an emotion, right? Hell ask pike later. He hears vax and knows immediatley that its true, his herd left him bleeding out to die they walked away with his blood on their hands with not even a shred of doubt on their minds hes told keyleth once, and vax too at one point, that the herd isnt his family anymore, vox mochina is, and he believes that but he cant help but think its not all true, half of it is, he knows that much, vox mochina is his family, he fights harder hearing their war cries and strives to be better knowing they have his back, their blood runs through his viens, but he cant help thinking the other half isnt all true, no doubt its not all false either, but, part of him is still hung up on the herd leaving him all those years ago, when he fought kevdak, a large part of him wanted to knock him to the ground, to scream this is for all those years ago, look how ive grown see what ive become, better than I ever could be with you lot, the need to prove himself so inherent around the herd he almost forgot where he was, and no, they arent his family anymore, sometimes he thinks they never were, not family in the sense of what he knows it to be now, but it nags at him, they arent his family anymore but its still the tiniest bit painful, to look back on his old memories

Vax says it with an amount of resentment that surprises even him. when they went to live with their dad, vax was prepared to hate him, to push him away in favor of sticking by vex, so when they saw, truly, how despicable of a man he really was, vax couldn't help his apathy towards the situation grow, sure he was angry, but he found himself more angry that his father was so idiotic as to reject the love they had for him, that he wasn't even willing to open his arms to them, than anything else, it was him and vex against the world, always has been, what was the point of being bitter about some douchebag father. He's always known he was an emotional man though, far more than anyone else in his group, beyond Percy's brooding eyes and grogs dreadful lack of knowledge, he swears he heard him ask pike if hungry was an emotion the other day, and anyone who would dare call him cynical was just doing so based on stereotype, its not his fault he's inclined to wear all black and have a scorn on his face half the time, he's a hopeful guy, and he knows a lot of his dreams come from a place of hurt, he sits often and thinks of what he can hopefully have one day, the type of father he wants to be, to have kids who don't doubt for a second of his love for them, sick of hearing him say it all the time, supporting them through thick and thin growing a family so wonderful his heart is heavy with his contentment, waking up every day with a smile and tiny puffs of red hair tickling his chin,

Vex couldn't help the tears that fell at vax’s words, she's angry at Scanlan shes furious, he left them he knew what they've all been through and with a wound still fresh shes brought back to her pitiful excuse of a childhood, of a father she greeted with hope, who struck her down almost immediately, sparing no time to crush it down every chance he got, and even when her love for him depleted it never left, she wanted to prove herself to him, to gain his love pride and respect, never truly gaining it but always trying nonetheless. Anytime vax told her pleadingly to give it up she begged for one more day I can change his mind vax I'm sure of it. when they left she felt like a tree fell on her, she was drained exhausted from trying so hard and tired from having her emotions toyed with every waking minute, when they arrived back to their rightful home, to only be met with the smell of smoke, she cried harder than she ever thought possible, her entire childhood, every essense of her home, her mother her memories of being young all nothing but ash, she held vaxs hand as tight as she could, as if she could hold onto him so tight that the wretched rock of a planet they were standing on would stop spinning so fast for a few moments, let her catch her breath for a little while, that if she held on tight enough, he would squeeze back and neither would ever let go, this was it they were it, it was them two alone in the world they were all they had, their last hope an empty lot in a burned down town, she wondered how scanlan, who had lost people himself, could do this to them, put them through this, later she told herself if she truly believed that he knew what it was like to be abandoned, to do that to kaylie would be far worse than what he did, to give someone else the fatherless childhood he had, she and vax had, that would be far worse

Scanlan cant help but over hear him, he was only steps away from the door when vax opened his mouth, and scanlan cant help but smile a little looking over at kaylie, at his daughter, yes family leaves, god doesnt he know, but sometimes, sometimes they come back, they return and they love, he grips his daughters hand and they walk and he knows in his heart hes doing the right thing, months later, eating at a table far too big in a room far too small hes laughing with kaylie mouth wide and eyes streaming, for a second he listens as the table next to him goes into a story detailing the fight they saw at emon, his name comes up a few times but hes more innterested in the others, for the slightest of moments his smile falters and he leans farther down in his chair, but family returns, and maybe one day he will, on worse days when hes feeling more bitter he tells himself he shouldnt, its what they deserve, but he knows thats not true, in that moment he looks back up at kaylie, still reeling from his joke, rightfully so it was hilarious as all his jokes are, and his smile return full force, it was just the right thing to do, and he cant help feeling justified,

[kilmameri]

I saw @solange-lol doing this and it seemed fun so I wanted to do it too. Please do it yourselves too and tag me to it if you like, I won’t be tagging anyone. I’ve added my comments in chunks so theyre easier to delete. this is mostly me writing random garbage which isnt needed but i wanted to do

Rules: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations

AIR: i have small hands • i love the night sky • i watch small animals and birds when i pass them by • i drink herbal tea • i wake to see dawn • the smell of dust is comforting • i’m valued for being wise • i prefer books to music • i meditate • i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

What kinda aspiration is having small hands tho? :DD I love the night sky the most when it’s warm an dark, often when im like, on a trip. its not often both dark and warm where i live :D and i Love birds. today waiting for the bus i almost forgot where i was when i watched birds fly in flocks over us. theyre moving back here for spring! :D

also like,, waking early is so over appreciated. and i see the dawn plenty bc the sun rises at like nine o’clock in winter if at all like,,, i get that its more constant to ppl who live closer to the equator and actually means something. i would wake up to see the dawn tho for the stillness of the world tho if it was with someone but only in daydreams bc why get up early when u can stay up late? that last one abt truths like lmao we get it u deep but yea i love trivia

FIRE: i don’t have straight hair • i like to wear ripped jeans • i play an organized sport • i love dogs • i am not afraid of adventure • i love to talk to strangers • i always try new foods • i enjoy road trips • summer is my favorite season • my radio is always playing

i love curly hair. i have really thick and stiff straigh af hair and i sometimes wish it had Even Waves bc id love to look more messy-cute ya know? bc now its all clean partings, no stray hairs. it looks too formal for my taste and id like for it to have some personality. i know i could just curl it with an iron or get it done but yea,,, i dont care That much

like im constantly told im crazy brave and i guess this applies to me? like i Did move at age 16 to my own in a city i have never been in with no one there who knew me and just,,, didnt even care. i tell others what ive been up to and they ooh and aah and im like?? but yea it does feel nice to be considered adventurous

also i love weird foods and am Not picky. in ninth grade home ec my kitchen needed to design a three course meal and dear fucking god was that a mess. we had one vegetarian lactose intolerant peep, one who didnt eat random shit like onions and bell pepper bc they taste bad (???) and so if a recepie had even a slightest bit of that he insisted it be left out or didnt even listen to the full recepie. and one who like,,,, would Not eat any foregin food. he wanted Potatoes and sausages. im like??? this is the final home ec test? this is supposed to showcase our skills,,, and you want boiled potatoes and plain sausage? what a mess lmao

WATER: i wear bracelets on my wrists • i love the bustle of the city • i have more than one set of piercings • i read poetry • i love the sound of a thunderstorm • i want to travel the world • i sleep past midday most days • i love dimly lit diners and fluorescent signs • i rewatch kids’ shows out of nostalgia • i see emotions in colors not words

i moved to a city abt uhhh? half a year ago and i love it here :D theres nothing better than walking in the centrum with the pidgeons and street artists and ppl having a good time chatting and shopping

i used to sleep past midday but i try to not so much bc that worsens my mood a lot bc i feel really isolated spending so much of my time alone. but it is my natural way of being so i guess thats how it be sometimes

EARTH: i wear glasses/contacts • i enjoy doing the laundry • i am a vegetarian • i have an excellent sense of time • my humor is very cheerful • i am a valued adviser to my friends • i believe in true love • i love the chill of mountain air • i’m always listening to music • i am highly trusted by the people in my life

bad eyesight ://. i do kinda enjoy doing household chores when i have something to listen to or a call to be in but that hasnt been the case lately. i am not vegetarian but sometimes i do go days without eating meat by accident which i dont mind but like,,, yea. its bc i eat like, bread, noodles, cereal, and then there might be something vegetarian at school that i eat bc it looks like the tastiest food there

idk abt my humor? its kinda spicky, insulting to some. but i dont mean it its like friendly banter. but i put it on with ppl who arent friends of confy with that sometimes and i dont mean to honestly

AETHER: i go without makeup in my daily life • i make my own artwork • i keep on track of my tasks and time • i always know true north • i see beauty in everything • i can always smell flowers • i smile at everyone i pass by • i always fear history repeating itself • i have recovered from a mental disorder • i can love unconditionally

never really liked makeup, too much work for a thing i cant really tell is even there. the flashy types of makeup i dont like so much. also im already cute af

ive been told im organized as hell by my peers and i dont get it. thats just?? how i naturally do things. it like,,, is Impossible for me to put things in their wrong places. if its hard to put where it belongs then i dedicate a “pending” spot for it in a place thats easy. and i hate notebooks and instead use a binder filled with loose leaves that i can edit as much as i like :3

thanks for reading, hmu if u wanna say something abt the things i wrote. ill read it

[fuck-kirk]

i just remembered youre a fan of shane dawson (at least i think) and i am too but im kinda uneasy do to all the recent stuff. what do you think about what's been going on?

 well. I’ll start by saying two things. 1). I absolutely DO NOT think shane dawson is a pedophile. at all. 2). his jokes were absolutely UNCALLED for and disgusting. there is no defending them. 

so, very contrasting points there, yea? well, the thing is, those jokes were SIX years ago, people can say that doesnt matter all they want, but it does. Also, I would like to clarify that they were indeed “””jokes””” if you listen to the unedited version of the podcast, he did not say those things in any kind of seriousness.still not okay tho. buut, anyways. his content has changed so much, he has changed so much. we cant keep demonizing people for mistakes they made years ago. I’ll be honest and upfront here. I’ve made some jokes in the same manner. I’ve made racially insensitive jokes, I’ve made homophobic jokes, ive made so many comments and jokes about things that arent funny or okay in the slightest. i’ll admit that right now. that was years ago. and i’ve changed. Jesus, i cant even imagine myself saying some of the absolutely awful shit ive said in the past. people grow, they change, and they learn. people can say “well the shit he said cant be taken back, he said it so that makes him awful” even though he has genuinely apologized and said he was wrong. 

the jokes he made were NOT okay. he’s acknowledged that and he agrees. he mentioned that he himself is a CSA survivor and used that type of humor as a coping mechanism. and THEN said it was still in NO way okay for him to make those jokes. 

like, alright. if people wanna hate shane for what he said so long ago i really cant stop them and honestly they have a right. but. it is absolutely unacceptable for people to be running around and saying with certainty that hes a pedophile. because its just not true. there is no actual proof, just a bullshit doctored video with edited video of a shitty joke he told 6 yrs ago. and a fucking weird point of saying “his ex gf and current bf have baby faces so that means hes a pedo” ???? whut. 

so, anyways, i’d reccomend you watch his own video explaining the situation bc i think he handles it well

so, anyways, again, TL;DR I do not in anyway think shane dawson is a pedophile. His jokes were extremely shitty and awful and he doesnt deny they or try to defend it. he has changed and grown. if people choose to hate him then thats A Okay, but saying hes a pedophile just isnt okay. 

[trashy-greyjoy]

Season 5 Blarke Headcanons to Break Your Fucking Soul

I started writing these after the spoilers so I guess a few are canon already but whatever. This is what I’ve been crying about every night and screaming at @octanakin whenever she’ll listen. Join me in pain. Also, I know @asweetdeception told me to make bullet points sooooo....  Oh and feel free to use any of these for a fic, just tag me so I can cry about it!

Blarke

Bellamy finding Clarke’s cell while looking around the Ark (I don't care if it’s not on the ring let me live) and finally breaking down when he sees her art, sobbing and repeating how sorry he is for leaving her

Clarke keeping a tally of how many days they've been gone on the wall (its already canon this hoe is did that™)

Every year on the “anniversary” of losing Clarke, Bellamy sits by that window, looking down at Earth and has a drink for Clarke.

And every year he tells her he still misses her and he should've told her he loved her when he had the chance.

Similarly, every year Clarke sits under the stars and tells Maddie stories about the boy in the stars and their struggles on the ground and how he’s coming back for her one day.

One night, Raven finds him sitting in Clarke’s cell, staring at the wall. They sit all night and talk about Clarke and Finn and how you never really get over losing the person you love.

***I wouldn't be surprised if they started something but just know i don't want it because then they’ll use it as lazy writing to add tension to blarke in s5 and raven deserves better.

She talks to him on the radio every night, even if he can’t hear her. She says she wishes they had more time, they deserved more time, and when he comes back, they’ll get it. (again ALREADY CANON. kinda)

She doesn’t even know if they survived up there or not, but she believes in her friends, and she believes in Bellamy.

What neither of them know is that ALIE is still up there and she’s the one preventing her radio signal from getting through.

The first year was the worst for Bellamy. He had nightmares almost every night and was irritable with everyone until Raven sat him down and told him this isn't what Clarke would’ve wanted.

Clarke’s wall is covered in pictures of her friends, so she doesn’t forget what they look looked like. But there’s more of Bellamy than anyone else. 

They were supposed to go back after 5 years.

He was supposed to come back for her after five years.

On the sixth year that Bellamy has a drink for her, Raven joins him and they talk about how great she was. How much she loved them, and how hard she tried, and how proud she would be of him.

On the sixth year without him, Clarke lays in the grass, looking towards the stars, and wonders why he isn't back yet. Because he’s not dead, he can’t be dead. She talks to him like he can hear her. She asks him where he is, like always.

As Bellamy and Raven share memories and drink, the radio at his hip suddenly goes off. At first it’s a cloud of static. Then, he almost catches a voice.

Clarke cries.

They stare at each other wide eyed, and scramble to hold the radio closer. They think they catch a woman asking “where are you?” Then the radio goes quiet, like she was never there. Bellamy doesn’t realize he’s shaking. He whispers her name. (highkey this is how i want the s5 premier to end even if the finale kinda trashed it idc this is my dream)

Clarke imagines a night where she does hear his voice talking back to her. It’s how she gets to sleep.

They don’t sleep for 3 days trying to find the radio signal again. They don't.

Nobody else believes him. They don’t think they should try to go down yet. It could've been anyone. Maybe he just heard something, he was drinking.

“I left her once, I’m not leaving her again. If there is even the slightest chance that was her voice and she is still alive down there, WE ARE GOING BACK.”

Raven has his back though and says they’re going to get her because she’s a true hoe *sunglasses emoji*

Personally, I’m thinking that ship is the mining colony everyone freaked out about in the articles, but I’m also totally on board for our delinquents to be with them, because I'm impatient.

When she sees him again its like he was never gone. He steps forward and his hair is just a little longer, he's got more wrinkles around his eyes. But it’s him.

When he sees her after 6 years its like seeing a ghost. Her hair is shorter and skin is dirtier, but then she smiles at him and its her.

They crash together and it feels like those six years never happened. They’re both crying and holding each other as close as they can get and he’s whispering apologies in her hair and she’s mouthing forgiveness into his shoulder. 

He immediately bonds with Maddie and Dad Mode™ activates. (Boy’s been in space without kids around for like 6 years, he's having withdrawals)

Delinquents

Emori gets pregnant and Murphy loses his shit because he’s not ready for that. Have you met him??

Uncle Bellamy is always there to help though

They make contact with the mining colony around year 3. There’s a sassy, headstrong captain thats got a thing for our own Raven Reyes (male or female i don't care someone just come along and put my girl first) and Bellamy won't stop teasing her about it.

Eggs is still trying to get into Bellboy’s pants and he’s still having none of it, but he oddly enough finds her easier to talk to, since he doesn’t really give a fuck about her opinion.

Monty finds Bellamy at the window one night and they both make a toast to their fallen friends. Bellamy tells jokes about all of Jasper’s pranks. Monty laughs about how everyone used to call them Mom and Dad. 

Bellamy gets hit in the head one day and gets selective amnesia where he forgets he ever had a sister. No one reminds him because they all hate her too. Bellamy is finally free of the white devil.

Its basically a hot mess the first month and Murphy won’t stop making jokes about drinking Bellamy’s piss.

Emori and Eggo are still amazed by everything 24/7

Raven takes on Emori as her new best friend and apprentice and they like to tease Murphy about being a shithead. I just want Emori to be friends with all the delinquents and finally have a family. (But Raven most of all.)

Harper is the first delinquent to try and actually befriend Eggo because she’s a ray of sunshine and its awkward at first, but they're cool now.

Monty helps the mining colony grow weed and then he smokes one out for Jasper.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been crying about. Probably add more as the hiatus goes on, and I cannot stress this enough THESE ARE HEAD CANONS. WHILE I MAY REALLY WANT SOME OF THEM TO HAPPEN THIS ISNT ALL SPECULATION OR A DONE DEAL. THIS IS JUST WHAT I IMAGINE TO AVOID THE TEARS. So plz don't come at me telling me I’m being unrealistic, I know I am. 

[weeb-overlord]

Poly is hard.

Speaking as someone who hated and was scared of polyamory my entire life until almost 7 months ago, it is hard. i’m sure it’s hard for everyone. 

Poly means that there is no One True love like we were all raised to believe. it is a belief that multiple people can love the many facets of us and therefore we are loved entirely. while someone could love the way i can go off and talk about something for two hours straight, someone else could dislike it but love how i cry at absolutely everything and find it beautiful. and i can have both. but it is still hard.

it’s amazing waking up to an entire phone full of texts from my chosen family, and it is amazing not having enough time to reply to them all before another pops up. I love that. but it is hard waking up and the first thought is that “i will never be someone’s only, someone will never be my everything.” i think the hardest part about poly is accepting that you might not need that as much as you thought you did afterall.

it is difficult being with a man who has two other partners as well. It’s difficult spending a weekend with them and being the one who actually is not bothered when the other two get attention, but they are bothered when i do get attention. it’s like they have this calculator in their head that adds up who gets the most time with him and “Is It Fair?” but i cant imagine thinking that way. if she needs him more than i do right then I refuse to take what she needs away. and i refuse to be upset after. but, just like I am adjusting in my own way, so are they. 

this weekend was very enjoyable but very difficult. the more time you spend with someone the more shit comes with it. on Saturday night I was able to have a nice time with him for a little, but one of his other partners felt “left out” and she complained about sitting there all by herself while I got time with him. she always does this, whether it’s me or his wife, she always complains about not having enough time with him.

i was in a slightly altered state of mind when she said this and i was extremely emotional and then she commented on the lack of connection between me and him during our impact scene and i got mad. really really mad. and i had already been crying because thats what i do. but i just asked for the key to the room but he wouldnt let me have it and said he was going with me.

i was livid the entire way up to the room. he had me hold his drink because it was cold and i needed to feel it. i was talking all about it in the halls and in the elevator, i didnt fucking care. 

I cant even spend an hour with you without someone freaking out and being upset. Just because she doesn’t see a connection between us doesn’t mean there isnt one. Everyone reacts differently in their scene, everyone needs different things. How dare she accuse you of just beating me when that is what I need most and how I connect to you best. “She feels left out.” he said. I laughed in the elevator. I can’t imagine what that feels like, to feel left out. I only live 4 hours away from you and never get to hear your voice or feel your touch. She lives in the same town as you, she sees you every other night. I see you once a month, and this next time I’ll be going six weeks without you. She gets to spend nights with you, whole nights. I would kill for just one with you.  I want my time with you and then she can have you back. 

He did not say anything back, he doesn’t do that. he listens.

I was saying all of this while ripping my shoes off my feet and tearing the clothes off my body (per his request) and sobbing in the room, and i was still in sub space. i laid everything in my head out for him for the first time ever, and he was not mad. I apologized for being angry, for ugly crying, for throwing a fit over and over again. he said that it wasn’t even a fit and he was not angry in the slightest. he wanted me to speak my mind, and he didn’t shy away from me like most people do when i get passionate. he kissed me until I stopped crying, because sometimes thats what you need. like i said, poly is hard. but it is irreplacable too.

She got four times the amount of time with him that I did after that. and I wasn’t mad. i am always grateful of the time i get with him and then i am grateful of the time I spend away from him meeting new people, experiencing new things, talking about the way we work and how we live. I am grateful that he is mentally strong enough and capable of having all three of us, although i’m sure it would be different if we were in the same city. I think if we all spend a little too much time together things can get fucked, which brings me to the next day.

my Sunday mornings with them are always fun. we had a good weekend, we got to see our friends, we got to spend time with one another. I always am up before them on sunday’s ready to help with whatever they need, because i enjoy serving. This sunday started off good. I ate breakfast with the clan we were visiting, got to say hello to everyone before heading back up to the room. it was wonderful. he was in a bed with his wife, and i cuddled back up next to his other partner in the other bed and i wasn’t mad at her at all anymore. When we woke up i helped pack up everything and i took a load down to the car with him, and he had a hand in my hair as we waited patiently for a man in the elevator to leave just so we could get our hands on each other for one more floor. it was that kind of morning. a good one.

However.

things happen and it changes shit dramatically.

Im never going to be a parent but I do know a parent code. Never judge another mom and never critique another mom. im sure when we returned to the hotel room both his other girls were annoyed that i got time with him, even if it was 5 minutes. it sucks. but i wouldnt let it bother me.

His partner makes a comment about his wife’s parenting and what she feeds her children or something she really didn’t have to comment on and then day turns into Jerry Springer.

It seems that the theme for this weekend, her theme was “saying whatever I want to people and expecting no consequences” which is what caused all of the drama. I rode down the elevator with his wife. “I know she wasn’t supposed to say that. mom’s arent supposed to judge other moms.” she was glad I understood. she was trying her best, we all try our best. She was still mad though. I actually got to see him and his wife argue, something I’ve never seen before. but again, he doesn’t argue. he deescalates. and it was out in the god damn parking lot too. she left to go get her stuff and it was just me and him. and he hugged me for a very long time and when I asked him what he needed he said love, and i hugged him tighter. The top of my head doesn’t even reach his chin. but I hugged him tighter. i made him laugh when i said I looked forward to not being a mom.

poly is hard, but it is immensely rewarding.

I left early to grab us a table at IHop. They needed to talk.  When they arrived I could tell they DEFINITELY talked. He needed time alone, which I am not surprised considering he was with three girls, two of which are trying to make this life an episode of desperate housewives. i ate with the two woman i consider my sisters, discussing the difference between margerine and butter, talking about my upcoming semester. They were pretending to get along because of me. Poly is sacrifice but it is also gain.

He was tired when he showed up. he looked upset. I have never ate at a more silent table. I invited them to my recital, i told them about someone else I’m talking to and her man that also is interested in me. I tried everything to make him perk up but nothing worked. and I lost my appetite. When we left I went to the bathroom with his girl while his wife went to the car. “In order for him to be happy, I have to be miserable.” She said to me on the way out of ihop. I was astounded. I told her that you can accept it or you can change it and she knew I was right. I don’t believe it to be fair that she thinks that way, that she puts that much pressure on him. i don’t understand how someone could feel that way. again, poly and just relationships in general are hard.  I said goodbye to him and I said that I was sorry he didn’t feel good.  I feel fine, just perplexed, is what he said. He didn’t feel good and he was dropping, it was obvious. But I stay out of shit and don’t go too deep with them, it’s not my place. I loved on both of my sisters and I saw him and his unmarried partner walking away to go talk. and I cried 30 minutes out of the city and texted him saying I made it worse.

I did not make it worse is what he said. I’ve been checking in with them constantly ever since. If something falls apart I need to know. but he is over at her house tonight, so I’m assuming they are working it out.

Poly is hard. It is hard not being someone’s center of attention at all times, but you grow to love your time with them even more because of it. It’s hard watching your chosen family fight, which is strange for me because I’m the one that eats a snack and watches the drama between my friends. but if my family is upset then so am I, because I’m an extension of them. 

It’s hard. But I refuse to give it up. ever.

[moidse]

Journal6

Honestly fuck them. i fucking hate them and and done with them. they were so hypocritical the whole time. they kept trying to pressure me into being friends with someone who was awful to me.. the pressured me into letting them sleep at my house early on pressured me to invite them to meet my mom pressured me to post about us on social media and on my year in review post.... but i pressure them to have sex, like when was 1 time you said hey i wanna go to bed and i didn’t respect that??? you were all over me on thursday when i put on those panties, the only reason i got turned on that night was because you jumped on top of me and started grinding on me, but i am the one that pressures you everytime you come over? that’s just not true dude, name a time you said you didn’t want to and i just wasn’t okay with it and pressured you to fuck me..... you can’t.... and also i just feel like you are just not a stable person like who is all over someone, says they can have their panties and casually jokes about wanting to marry them and then just suddenly say oh i feel like you pressure me to have sex and the next day say you are over me and want to break up.... and the first time i ever stand up for myself and say you hurt my feelings and obviously didnt’ care you just broke up with me... like you are so immature and you want to paint the picture that i just am the one that is immature and needs to grow and its like why does every person say the same thing that im with, they never take responsibile for them being a bad person and just say oh i want to have sex with you too much and thats the problem... like at least im mature enough to own up to the fact that im not perfect and probably have issues with these areas but you’ve never once admitted youre own personal issues... you only admit trauma which you can blame on someone else... like... you aren’t even poly dude... you just want to be able to fuck or make out with anyone that gives you the slightest bit of attention... why else would you say tell me on 2 different occasions that you get anxiety about me fucking someone else and liking them more then you (which why would you even think i’d do that, probably because it’s something you would do to someone)  and also you got mad i didn’t tell you i just texted abbie... but i shouldn’t be upset you made out with a stranger on our date because “your poly” like bitch when im trying to be poly and just text abbie you throw a fit cuz i didnt tell you but you can make out with someone and its no big deal when we are out together on a date?? that’s just rude and you didn’t give a fuck about me when it happened. you dont respect our relationship. you say its been so long since you’ve been monog or wanted to be monog, then you cheat and make out with someone and just say well your poly and its like bitch you may be poly but you damn well know this relationship isnt you said it yourself to me through text that its been so long since youve been monogamous. you are only poly when it is convient to you. you dont care about me or my feelings or anyones thats why you want relationship anarchy. you cant commit to anyone and you don’t care about anyone... you just want full freedom to fuck and kiss anyone that gives you the slightest attention without having to be responsible for anyone elses feelings being hurt because it doesnt bother you.. you dont care you just want attention. which is fine but just own it. you never once owned up to just wanted to make out with that stranger at the bar. you still said a million excuses. which just shows you arent mature. like you cheated on me when i invited you out, bought your ticket to this show, arranged a place to stay, and within less than an hour being there you made out with someone else like i dont mean shit to you then you said “i was drunk, you weren’t there, i am poly, he was a dude, it was quick, it didn’t mean anything.” you just kept going on with excuses instead of being real dude... you never once said some random dude wanted to make out with me and i was into it and i didn’t think about how that would hurt your feelings and im sorry.. you never once was able to be real and admit you wanted to make out with a stranger and didn’t care how it would effect me.. you didn’t care that it would hurt my feelings and that’s the truth... that’s why you have been saying a list of excuses... because you knew i wouldn’t be okay with it and there was zero part of you that cared in the moment... and its like cool ... ya know ive never been drunk and just cheated on a partner... but you clearly are a cheater.. i know you and marcell’s relationship wasn’t perfect but you did admit you cheated on him... which makes since why you cheated on me that other night and didn’t care... and you want relationship anarchy.. you want to be able to get with anyone at anytime without having to check in with anyone.. you dont want to commit to anyone... you jsut wanna fuck around and its like why the fuck did you even pretend you wanted to be with me... i’ll never know why you wanted to be with me... i was pretty honest about my personal issues i need to work on but you never have been... you just want to fuck around... like how you wanted to meet someone from tinder and kept trying to act like you wanted to make friends but if you fuck it might just happen and i should be okay with that,,, but me even texting abbie made you upset... like you are such a hypocrit.. you want me to always want you and you are so fucking afraid i will leave you... honestly it wouldn’t surprise me if you had been with other people and cheating on me the whole time since when you did on our date you just made up excuses and said well i’m poly... as if this relationsihp is which it isn’t and you even said so in the past week... i hate you... why the fuck would i wanna be friends with you. .you fucking wanted to hang out with me and ashley tongiht and i didn’t and then you broke up with me... like seriously dude fuck off.you need to grow up.. i shouldn’t even respond to you... i dont want to be friends.. i wanna drop off all the stuff i have of yours on your car including the dick like i dont care i hate you.