#this isnt even like my usual amount of anxiety this is like. kind of bad actually

[violetregrets1837]

Guys I'm not even like

Or

Or

I'm more like

And its not fun :/

[silenthillmutual]

[ID: Anonymous said: this isnt like, a demand or request, just an expression of interest - you mentioned in your daniil-is-autistic post that you also think artemy is neurodivergent, and i would really enjoy seeing a similar post on that topic. thank you, have a nice day.]

(anon is referring to this post!)

i do have some thoughts that i would like to share about that topic! however comma, it probably will not be as in-depth as my post about daniil, as i am myself autistic and have had a couple years since being diagnosed to ruminate on places where that has affected my life, and so it’s easier to write about coming from a place of personal experience. i can do the same with depression, for the same reason.

i have a couple of ideas about what artemy could have:

adhd

ptsd

ocd

i won’t really be going into ptsd or ocd on this post because i feel like it’s more difficult to point the ptsd out (artemy doesn’t talk much about or flashback at all to being on the front) and because i think ocd should have its own post. it is severely misunderstood, even by other neurodivergent people. plus i think all four of the healers have it (or aspects of it), and this post is about artemy.

i feel like… something about the dsmv diagnostic criteria for adhd feels condescending to me, like it feels the way it’s worded places a lot of the blame on the person who has it? and some of the criteria like “fails to follow through on instructions”, “does not seem to listen when spoken to directly”, “has trouble holding attention on tasks” can depend greatly on the player. not as much of that is baked into artemy’s character and dialogue in the same way that social ineptitude, which is a core feature of autism, is baked into daniil’s character and dialogue.

with that being said: while i will include a few things from the diagnostic dsmv diagnositic criteria as listed on the cdc website, i am going to primarily be thinking about accounts from people with adhd. i have several friends with adhd (and i suspect that i may have it, though i’ve only come to suspect this recently and have had less time to think on it) whose experiences i will be taking into account.

other links to sources i am referring to: [adhd/autism venn diagram by tfw-adhd]  [what those symptoms look like in adults, by chadd]  [ptsd criteria on brainline]  [ocd criteria on beyondocd]

vague spoilers for pathologic classic & pathologic 2

very briefly & quickly: ptsd & ocd

the problem with going into it is this game is already a very difficult and anxiety-inducing world because of the plague and i’d argue that any of the healers could have one or both of these either before the outbreak or after it, so here are some things that stick out to me for

ptsd - overly negative thoughts or assumptions about oneself or the world (can overlap with adhd; artemy has the option to repeatedly blame himself for his father’s death), negative affect, feeling isolated, irritability or aggression, risky or destructive behavior, hypervigilance (any game that dabbles in horror aspects will expect this from you), difficulty sleeping (overlaps with adhd), depersonalization (this is a core aspect of the theatre theme of the game)

ocd - without going through the entire ybocs, i’ll just say that i think all three healers struggle with hoarding (understandably and by necessity) and hypermorality (all three protagonists believe they are the one and only person who is right, rubin is awfully judgmental of people who don’t abide by his personal standards). compulsions would be easier to point out in the game than the obsessions they are linked to, as we’re not exactly privvy to intrusive thoughts outside of the dreams. you could, however, say that artemy struggles with intrusive thoughts of causing harm even inadvertantly and argue that he takes measures to ensure that he doesn’t, won’t, and hasn’t. in classic, this is highly dependent on playstyle.

[this is my standard disclaimer that i have an official diagnosis of ptsd so i’m not just pulling this out of nowhere and am about 98% sure i have obsessive-compulsive disorder, and have researched it thoroughly.]

what’s built into the game: making careless mistakes, poor planning skills, time blindness / anxiety, executive dysfunction

pathologic is a game that sometimes feels like you’re being set up for failure. something that i missed talking about in my previous post is that it often feels like an autism/adhd simulator because it is, in classic, so very easy to screw yourself over and get locked out of an objective by picking the wrong dialogue option. while some of the correct dialogue options are obvious, others feel like a guessing game and you have to just hope you’re picking the right thing and have made a save file at the right place to go back and pick different options in the case that you’ve bungled something. hence, “making careless mistakes”. it’s a little bit easier in 2, as dialogue options that end a conversation are indicated with a diamond (thank you to whomever decided on that!), but it makes up for this by being unforgiving in other aspects. i believe the difficulty settings for imago state that the game is intended to be “almost unbearable” - and lots of people have difficulty completing it on the intended difficulty without cheats. (do not discourse about this on my post.) the game invites you to make careless mistakes and either live with or learn from them.

keeping this in mind, you’re kind of expected to have “poor planning skills” on at least your first time playing it. part of the game’s point is that you can’t do everything, and you can’t save everyone. not paying close enough attention or interpreting the instructions of the game just right in classic can cost you the lives of several of your bound.

that also feeds into time blindness & time anxiety. classic & 2 do these in different ways. in classic, you can’t run, so you have to hope you’re not busy doing something else or else hope that all of your letters come in at a time where you can hit up all the places you need to go, or you’re going to be cutting it short on time for the day. in 2, you can run, but there are far more sidequests to be completed than in classic.

i’d also argue that executive dysfunction is a core aspect of the game. you are very busy and very poor and items are very expensive, meaning that unless you know what you’re in for, either you or the town is low on resources or funds or time to do things like eat, sleep, and take care of your aches, immunity, and infection. all of which can be avoided if you don’t make careless mistakes, have good planning skills, and can manage your time wisely.

“interrupts or intrudes on others”

i don’t appear to have a screenshot of him doing this in 2, but he and daniil do have at least one conversation in which they keep interrupting each other. peak autism/adhd solidarity.

i do, however, have a screenshot example of him doing this to clara in pathologic classic

Haruspex: …Wait a second. If there was nothing but the great Bull, where did the stars and light come from? Changeling: Oh, don’t interrupt!

and as for intruding - khan feels that he does this frequently: intruding on him and capella at the station, intruding on him and notkin at the broken heart, and here he is intruding on kids at the nutshell:

We have so few places of our own - only a couple. And yet you feel the urge to impose yourself even here. Do you know what childhood is? It’s slavery. Herders treat their cattle better than parents treat their children. They lock us up like objects, mold us like statues, and still never take us remotely seriously.

he also intrudes on clara talking with block on day 11, either completely oblivious to the fact that he’s doing it or outright ignoring that he is.

“is often ‘on the go’“

i could say that this is one that is built into the way the game is organized, and it’s true! but his time spent with lara comes to mind. she’s not the only one to mention his restlessness, but i don’t keep screenshots of big vlad on hand so their day 1 dialogue is lost to the wind.

Aren’t you supposed to be terribly busy? I don’t understand why you keep coming. Or do you need my help again? I’ll wash your clothes. You’re filthy, like a chimney sweep. Revolting. While they dry, have some sleep.

“often fidgets […] or squirms in seat”

like with daniil’s body language, i don’t have any gifs to show to prove this. i’m really looking forward to seeing what idle animations he gets in the other two routes. for now i know that in the lucid dream, if you use flycam you can see him idling by swaying and rubbing his chin & that in other pantomimes he can be found constantly turning his head and looking around.

sleep problems

i don’t have the screen shot so just pretend that i do - he mentions this to the fellow traveler on, i think, day one when you go to the dead item shop. in either game, you can also only sleep for a maximum of six hours at a time, which is like..two hours less than the recommended amount, unless that’s changed.

little sense of danger & impulsivity

As usual, I act first and think later. I’ve made a panacea. But from what? What blood was that? Whose blood was that? To cure the Town, I’ll need to figure that out.

there’s actually no dialogue i can think of that addresses the danger of the situation he’s in - which is sort of the reason why i included it! though i am absolutely obsessed with classic artemy threatening grief, kingpin of the villains in town:

Bad Grief: That ain’t good! Got too soft a heart or something? Soft, eh… Well, can’t blame you. Haruspex: Got too hard of a bone structure? You watch it. I’ll break them in no time.

artemy has little to no problem offering to help daniil get ahold of organs and blood:

Bachelor: Exactly. I need tissues of a person who died of the Sand Plague. I need them today, right now! I’ve tried to get them at the cemetary, but failed miserably. The patrolmen are vigilantly watching over the dead. Haruspex: Would you like me to get you some? Bachelor: I’d reward you generously for that. Haruspex: Deal. I’ll do what I can, even though I still don’t have the right to.

‘even though i still don’t have the right to’ - he knows it’s illegal and could easily lose him reputation, but he jumps at the chance to do so. part of his route requires you being in constant danger, but later on there are options to tell daniil you won’t help him. this isn’t one of them.

in pathologic 2, you can also instigate fights with people by, to name a few: refusing to leave the house in the atrium where they have a person bound and gagged upstairs, not leaving barley the barber in grief’s lair, and picking the wrong dialogue option with the guys in the broken heart on day 11.

as referenced above, his impulsivity sometimes shows in the dialogue options you can choose. you can say things that clearly haven’t been thought through all the way. for example, this is what he says to clara bout her parents:

I wonder what you did to your old ones. There was someone gullible enough to adopt you?

and this is how she replies:

Clara: What? Why would you say that? I never even knew them. I’ve been an orphan for as long as I can remember. Artemy: I didn’t know. Right, that’s what I figured.

it’s not all that different from the sort of tactless comment a person with autism might make.

no motivation for tasks you are not interested in & hyperfixations

in pathologic 2, on day 3, daniil asks artemy to be his aide in developing a vaccine. artemy’s responses are all something dismissive and frequently quite rude. here’s the end of that conversation:

Bachelor: I will make the vaccine, but I can’t do it without you. All you need to do is be at hand and do as I say. I will take full responsibility for the situation. Haruspex: Perhaps I’ll drop by… if I have the time.

guess what never happens?

it’s understandable that the panacea is artemy’s main goal. what makes it stick out to me as a hyperfixation specifically is that, while a vaccine is daniil’s main goal, daniil manages to ask artemy about his progress with the panacea.

Bachelor: Anyway, how’s it going? Any progress?

the interest is never reciprocated.

emotional dysregulation & rejection sensitivity dysphoria

i personally think this is the most striking piece of evidence. every single perceived sleight can invoke a drastic reaction in artemy. just take day 3 for example - the perceived sleight here is the belief (based on no evidence) that daniil was snubbing him or trying to exclude him from the meeting:

Bachelor: Burakh. The situation is regretful. I just didn’t have time to warn you. Haruspex: This was ugly of you.

and then he proceeds to get into an argument with him. he can, in fact, get into snits with not just daniil, but with rubin and lara as well. i will not be taking sides in this, because who is right / who is wrong is not really the point, the point is how artemy responds to perceived sleights with increased emotional agitation.

when capella upsets him by telling him she’s taking the kids from under his care for their own protection, he can respond by comparing her to her horrible capitalist pig of a father:

You truly are your father’s daughter. Children always succeed their parents…

i can’t even remember what was said to him to get him to reply this, only that it was said to him by a teenager:

I’m a surgeon. Ever considered having your tongue removed?

he also holds onto murky’s repetitious “what is there about you to love? nothing. so i don’t.” and brings it up to her when she is infected with the sand plague on day 10. though it does bring the rather heartwarming line about murky having loved him from the start, my point remains that he has not been able to stop thinking about something murky has said that she has obviously already changed her mind about by this point in time in the game.

difficulties making & keeping friends

remember what i said about the interest in daniil’s vaccine not being reciprocated? yeah. friends, acquaintances, colleagues - they all kind of expect you to take an interest in their lives. this is where autism & adhd overlap, from my understanding - both can come with an inability to recognize social cues. in fact, i’m going to use the same example now that i used in my post about daniil (it is, after all, what inspired this ask):

Bachelor: From you? Oh, nothing. I was just sharing.

daniil thinks they’ve been having a normal conversation, but artemy hasn’t picked up on whatever social cues he’s been using. this could easily be on either one of them. though i will say, some of my easiest friendships as a person with autism have been with people who have adhd. which is why i’d suggest that daniil saying he’ll tell artemy about thanatica “the way i’d tell a close, intimate friend” is autism/adhd solidarity. despite initially not getting along, they are clearly able to communicate with each other.

i think the rest of this is really self-explanatory. despite being from the town in classic, artemy doesn’t actually appear to have any friends in it. could be a symptom of him having left much ealier (ten years ago as opposed to the five in pathologic 2), but in pathologic 2 his friendships are constantly under threat of spontaneous combustion. this day three conversation with lara sums it up nicely:

Lara: Ugh, whatever. Like it’s any of my business… Do whatever you want. Did you make peace with stakh? Artemy: Doesn’t look like it… Forget Stakh. I see now that I’m one step away from falling out with you. Why?

there’s a variety of reasons why his friendships are falling apart. but it occurs to me that there’s no mention of artemy communicating with his friends at all while he was gone, and maybe that’s contributing to it. this is not an attempt to pick sides (i think everybody’s wrong), i am just pointing this out.

adhd in adults: history of academic or career underachievement, relationship problems due to not completing tasks, chronic stress and worry over failure to accomplish goals, chronic and intense feelings of frustration / guilt / blame

artemy did not finish med school. classic has him described as a “vagrant scholar” traveling from town to town to learn instead of staying in the capital where he was sent (”always ‘on the go’” indeed). in pathologic 2 he simply states that he doesn’t have a degree and that he sucked at latin.

relationship problems mentioned under “making and keeping friendships”, but it should be noted that you can repair your friendships by completing a sidequest on day 3 to gather everyone together. 

“chronic stress and worry over failure to accomplish goals” is sort of the entirety of pathologic 2. you could say it’s built into the game, but artemy does express a lot of stress over not knowing where to turn for answers, has bizarre prophetic dreams, and is plagued by… well, the plague taunting him for not being to save his bound. both when notkin gets sick on day 4 and when all of the children get sick on day 10, he can express an extreme amount of guilt for not having the ability to cure them.

i mentioned under ptsd that artemy has a tendency to be able to blame himself for his father’s death, and i think that fits under here as well. there’s also this:

I get anxious thinking about my kids… Are they faring all right in the Lair without me?

conclusion

i do not know if i have adhd myself and i am sure there are things i am missing, especially as i have not completed artemy’s route in classic yet or started clara’s. feel free to contribute to this, i would love to see others’ input!

[danganronpa-cafe]

hii! can i request a kin mashup for dr 1, 2, and v3?? I'm usually pretty quiet but i tend to overthink things a lot. i love to game and im good at drawing and making edits! i care more about my friends than myself and i also have really bad anxiety and depression. im basically a gifted kid who isnt smart anymore. i also apologize a l o t. i love all my friends but i also have trust issues so theres only a few people i can really trust. i hope this is enough!

I kin assign you with..

Mikan Tsumiki

My first thought was Mikan Tsumiki, Mikan is usually quiet and doesn't talk a lot at all, she tends to keep to herself and only help injured students or input a few words here and there if it's necessary. I'd say she'd care more about her friends than herself and make sure they're alright and offer to help whenever they need it. She probably overthinks a lot and looks back on past things that happened. She has pretty bad anxiety which is a little more than obvious with how she fully acts. It's likely Mikan could have depression as well. Mikan also apologizes a lot and often apologizes over nothing and even if it's not her fault or something she can't help. She probably has trust issues as well and only sticks to a certain amount of people that she would grow to trust.

Chihiro Fujisaki

Secondly I thought of Chihiro Fujisaki, Chihiro is pretty shy and keeps to themselves and didn't really grow to trust anyone, more so just looking up to everyone. Chihiro would probably be good and making edits or maybe even some kind of digital type of art due to their programming skills. Chihiro definitely cares about their friends more than themselvesand would do almost anything to keep them happy and make sure they're okay. Though they wouldn't pry anything out of the person. Chihiro tends to apologize quite a bit as well which is something they can't really help. They probably also have bad anxiety and trust issues.

Himiko Yumeno

Lastly I thought of Himiko Yumeno, Himiko is pretty shy and hardly talks at all and could see it as too much effort to do and is constantly pretty much tired which could be some subtle signs of some kind of depression or anxiety. Himiko would probably overthink things and make it out to be harder than it really is. Once she has friends she may not be the most talkative but she'd probably care about them more than herself and could find it hard to trust people automatically which is why it took a while to get comfortable.

🌸 I hope you're satisfied with your results! 🌸

[iknowicanbutwhy]

To anyone who thinks texting is a billion times worse than talking on the phone and that texting is a miscommunication disaster ready to happen: I get you. You're probably 100% exactly like my friend who I hate texting despite how i rather appreciate talking with them on call or in-person.

Hear me out, though. Please.

You know what's weird? I love talking with my other friend on text more than i talk with them in real life. No, it's not because they're untalkative irl. No, it's not because they have a different personality in text. No, it's not because they have any trouble whatsoever communicating in-person (more than the usual trouble everyone sometimes deals with).

It's because I'm the one with the auditory communication issues. I stammer and stutter, I can't forward my opinion in that microscopic pause between people talking, i can't think quickly when i or someone else is speaking, i can't think quickly, and i can't double check my grammar when ive already said something - among other problems.

And that friend i like to text? Just so happens to be skilled at texting.

Yes, texting well is a skill. Something that you can learn and cultivate and look up on Google. So if you hate texting and find it irredeemable, you probably don't have the skill for it. But you can still learn just by using your normal speaking skills while remembering and sticking with only a few bitty - yet crucial - rules of texting.

You may not want to learn to text. You may want to speak and text only when necessary. You may defend your point by stating that texting lacks key human communication, such as body language, tone of voice, rhythm of voice, and other context that adds to the meaning of words in a way texting could never have. Aaaand you'd be right, actually. Italics and bold and emojis/emoticons and writing style can only do so much while the imagination fills in the gaps - and unlike with books, if the imagination sees/hears something terrible in a text, it's offensive instead of interesting.

So, what about the people who don't have the skill to make coherent, intelligent sentences with their mouth in the first place? The context doesn't help too much, then. Of course, why should you have to learn how to text when clearly these people who are afflicted by their inability to speak should be learning how to talk, because it's more effective and healthier for them that way?

You're right, they should be learning. And they are! There's no avoiding speaking in real life unless you're mute, selectively mute (let's be understanding), deaf (sometimes they learn to speak and that's awesome), or something else I can't think of. Those with speech impediments - when they don't know sign or there's no one who knows sign nearby - are generally forced to try to speak, and are constantly training to communicate well. People with social anxiety don't want to be afraid of talking, and especially if you befriend someone with social anxiety in real life and talk with them in-person, they'll try their best to open up in-person too. And me? Who can't think fast enough to speak for some reason? I'm trying to change that, too. I hate being unable to speak as well as I text, because speaking is more efficient.

But it would still be really, really nice to have a deliciously complex conversation sometimes, and for those of us with trouble speaking, we developed the skill of texting to better fulfill that human need to communicate and share. We're trying to speak. But.. it would be really nice of you to text.

To text more than just "okay"

To elaborate on "I can't"

To exclaim more than only "ah"

To give something that isn't difficult to find a specific response to.

And it can be easy to; we text-savvy people swear our hearts on it!! Google provides lots of good links when you search "how to text well," but I'll sum up a few common tips to texting with meaning.

Text proportionally. This is probably the only rule you need to remember, because all-in-all, the best way to text someone (if they're not sending one or two words a text) is to follow in their example. If they ask your opinion? Tell them yours and ask theirs. If they send texts of two or three sentences each? It's polite to try responding with the same magnitude (keyword: try. You can't always do it). They send you a paragraph? You don't have to send one back (even though that'd be real cool) but if they seem to be expecting a thorough response, don't be afraid to tell them you can't think of much. Just make sure you follow tip #2. Just imagine what it's like talking to a cat that only meows vaguely at you in response. Maybe you think the cat is smart enough to somewhat understand, and you're getting the chance to let your thoughts out at it, but getting basically nothing back is kind of boring.

Dont send curt, few-worded answers. This includes saying just "k" or "ah" or part of a sentence that you're never gonna finish. It sends the message that you're not interested in thinking about whatever the person texting you just said. Sometimes you can send a tiny response as a joke, but do it over and over again, and the other person will think you're never interested in talking. If you're not interested in talking (not just in text, i mean audibly too), it'd be less rude to simply say your not up for talking, with a short, polite apology.

Respond as soon as possible to a genuine question. If you need to think, say so. If you can't respond just yet, say so. This is a personal thing for me. I'm in the middle of a conversation that has been active for a while, i ask an important (sometimes timed) question, and nobody responds for an hour. I lose confidence and take the silence as "no, don't be ridiculous," and take back what i said. Then, very suddenly, i get a response finally informing me that someone needed to ask their mom and the conversation took a while, or they were researching the question, or chores suddenly came up, or etc etc. People get busy all the time, and especially on text, it's easy to suddenly drop out because something irl shows up. But it's hard to tell the difference between being ignored, missed, or being considered. Your excuses are valid, but even a vague "brb" and then later a quick explanation would be more informative than straight silence.

If you need to leave in the middle of a conversation that's been very active, say so. Building off of the last one, it's just polite to be informative. Now, you don't have to say you're doing this at some specific location for a particular amount of hours and you'll be hanging out with whats-their-name and then you'll go into the bathroom and pick your nose in the mirror - no, you don't have to be specific. Just make it clear that you'll be gone for a bit and you'll get back to the conversation another vague time. It's polite, that's all, and alleviates the worries of all us anxious individuals who think "oh no did i say something wrong its been like 20 minutes and they left suddenly-"

Try to leave an avenue of conversation open for the other person to pick up on. This one is easy because generally, all you need to do is think of an open-ended question that isnt yes-or-no. Say something, then ask a question that relates to what you said that the other person can add to. Like.. the other person said they like a certain band, and you like that band, too. You could tell them your favorite song from them and gush about why, then ask what their favorite song is and why? Then it's up to them to give a good response.

If a conversation turns exhausting because you feel like you're pulling all the weight, then drop it and politely say goodbye. There's all these tips about good texting but sometimes, when you can't bring the other person out of their shell or they are genuinely uninterested, it's because they are the ones not doing their part in the conversation. You've tried your best, and if they wont thank you, then I will. And someone in your future who knows how to text and is interested in what you have to say will thank you in their heart. Just, not the person who you're walking away from right now.

Observe the texting "body language" of others. This sounds weird, but examples of this would be using bold to outline the absolute importance of things, italics to slightly emphasize something, s p a c i n g to signify your mind being blown, emojis to express light emotion (unless someone uses way too many, which, that's just a bad habit and sometimes an art form), "ha" for sarcastic laughter, fjsjskajfjie for real laughter, ALL CAPS for high energy, etc. Im sure you can Google it, too, otherwise you can just learn from experience. It's all generally very universal unless you meet a Homestuck, and pretty soon, picking out and giving out emotions in everyday text will be a little easier.

That's all I got right now. Thank you for reading this far and indulging me with this topic. It's okay if you want to keep your avenues of conversation far away from texting, because it's all your own choice, but just know that if you ever do find someone interesting who speaks better in text, it's not impossible for you to communicate with them as well in that format. Just takes practice :) (<- that's a genuine, gentle smile, otherwise I would use c: or :3. Someone else may use it differently, however. Think of it like my personal accent.)

[literalbuzzkill]

Below I'm gonna vent so y'all can ignore that XD

I'm basically making this post as a timestamp/reminder for myself about Covid2020 and what I had to deal with during it (even though it's still a relentlessly ongoing problem, as of Jan2021, yikes)

Below is my personal experience in switching from working everyday as an essential retail worker to now a stay at home unemployed/leave of absense person. Don't feel bad about not reading it, it's long, boring, and I can't really expect anyone to actually be interested because the struggle is real and who wants to be reminded of the grim reality we can't currently escape? XD

[The Start:]

I was still working retail up until a few months ago because most people left. And being short staffed already before covid at my store, things became an even worse unmanageable nightmare because they started to work the remaining staff to death because no one really knew what to do which sucked and everyone was rightfully afraid of what was happening all around them, plus everyone internally was hoping that this would all blow over in a decent amount of time and we could all return to normal and never speak of it again. Considering Covid started around late January/early February in 2019 and today's date (for my future reference) is Jan 4th 2021, I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it certainly has not blown over in a decent amount of time like originally hoped for. Oof.

I was a closer but because of covid my job turned into 'every position at the store and everything/anything that you can possibly get done'. All the stuff from morning team, mid shift, and nightshift rolled into one. Cashiering, phone calls, cleaning, ship from store, backroom, covering multiple breaks, and every department on hardlines salesfloor,

(I did everything except for guest services, food service, clothing, and hr)

you name it XD because most people abandoned ship and Yeeted (which I dont blame them for, t'was a big mood) our store did not hire replacements until literally a few months ago. After I left. Nice.

We were not getting paid any extra, having to stay late, running around with an unending unfinishable list, having to deal with rude customers and cranky bosses, full 8+hour shifts having to wear a mask (even in the break room, and sometimes missing breaks all together because of the large work load) Another problem, my job did not supply masks, proper cleaning supplies, gloves etc to us until an unacceptable amount of time had passed since the start of the virus. Now I didn't expect them to be stocked and fully prepared immediately, obviously.

It was also pretty frustrating getting reprimanded by customers when supplies were low everywhere and some things necessary for existing safely could not be bought anywhere due to high demand, which was only natural, but some people actually acted like it was our personal fault for the store for being sold out of things like hand sanitizer, masks, gloves, toilet paper, and even accused us for holding it in the back for ourselves (which wasnt the case, customers are top priority at our store so the workers usually got nothing to take home or buy, even if we had pulled it from the truck or stocked it ourselves.)

Aside from the excessive draining from normal retail where we already suffer from Karen's and the often unpleasant general public, the Rona made the daily grind even more intense, as if we already thought it couldn't get any worse.

Straying away from that for a second, personal lives were now also affected greatly. Added on top of this new fear/caution/lifestyle was not being able to see my fiance or his family for months because they are all at very high risk. (Unfortunately I am too, but I really needed the paycheck so I thought I had to keep working until the inevitable, which was not looked forward to, but as long as I was potentially exposed with my job we all had to be apart unless I decided to quit and risk not having enough money to pay my bills or survive.)

(Side note for context: My fiance and I have been very lucky enough to see eachother almost every day for 4 years. Surprisingly we have not gotten sick of eachother yet and kept up with that regularity. And though we are engaged, we dont live together, but we do only live 15 minutes away so we just drive over to eachother everyday. Anyway, point being that going months without seeing him at all killed me internally hardcore. This was before zoom was popular and we were not about to resort to Skype. His parents are older and closer to me than my own family and were not comfortable with any form of in-person visits so we usually just did phone calls.)

And eventually I gave up,

I made it halfway through this pandemic working everyday, not seeing the only people I considered family, and I couldn't do it anymore. It literally didn't feel human.

Not to mention this did not help whatsoever with my pre-existing problems, bad depression, anxiety, ptsd, Self h, etc... it was all just getting way too out of hand with more stress piling up daily and taking too big a toll on me to the point where I couldn't deal with my regular lifestyle anymore. I needed a break and a change to severely turn myself around.

So a few months ago I finally went on leave of absence and it was the hardest thing for me to do but honestly the best thing I did. Because everything was so uncertain and I worried about how helpful unemployment would be towards my bills, if I'd lose my job for being gone too long due to an open ended leave of absense for the sake of my health/safety, and honestly I loved my job and my coworkers, but many of them had already left so at that point it became easier for me to leave.

I'm currently making more on unemployment than my job was paying my bi-weekly and doing leagues better mentally, emotionally, and physically, than before when I thought I could last the whole time working through covid hoping I wouldn't catch it and probably die because my health is not 100% gucci in the first place. I was too stubborn to quit until I got to a breaking point and then realised that putting my health/life on the line when I'm at risk during a pandemic for literally no reason other than feeling bad for my one really kind boss (who ended up leaving for a better job anyway right after I left)

in my brain the whole time I figured "eh if I die then I die" but there was a major upside to saying "you know what, fuck this" and leaving.

I've gotten to take up hobbies and do things that I've wanted to do for like 10 years, I improved my financial situation, bought my dream car(A 2004Crossfire), got engaged to the love of my life, had more time to read, write, learn, create, help my fiance record his first official music video, support smaller businesses, get back in better physical health, regain stability, and a new respect for life, health, friends, family, acts of kindness, and how easy things used to be before covid and how it was unintentionally taken for granted.

Not gonna lie, at first I was pretty mad that people on unemployment made more than essential workers, but I also knew that it wasn't their fault for their personal situations or reasonings for needing it. The problem was mainly that many Companies/jobs could have done more, treated essential workers better, given more help, compensated financially, offered forms of protectionagaint the virus, or done literally anything extra at all to help employees who were struggling or who stay to continue working there during a terrible pandemic, and some companies/jobs have done good things for their workers in response of the outbreak which is awesome.

Workers should absolutely be compensated for their extra efforts, time, and pleasant attitude in this difficult time, and treated better than they are. Some things should 1000% be different but some things in this world are still a work in progress.

And also, for people with health issues that are at risk but working anyway for whatever reason, there shouldn't be any shame felt for taking care of yourself or by the people who have to go on unemployment, those who can't work, lost their jobs, need help or a break, or just can't do it anymore, because it hits hard when you realise that even though your effort is important and you're doing your best, playing an important role in society, you could also be risking your health/life or even possibly someone you live withs, for a company that will replace you pretty easily if you're suddenly gone.

I worked at my store for 4 years, was extremely hard working and did everything and anything I could to stay as long as I could during this, but I realised that I'd rather not risk myself and be treated how I was.

Ultimately, the sad reality is that covid has some people forgetting that humans (whether working or not) are humans too that can die or fail at any time given the current circumstances. Some situations are unavoidable like a pandemic, but we can do our best with whatever reality we meet, whether it's being essential the whole way through like some are able, and knowing your health well enough to be able to judge what's best for you individually for now.

but regardless making sure you're not taking yourself for granted in the process.

I'm lucky enough to not have gotten covid yet, and I hope it stays that way.

If your job isnt doing what it can for you in this time, dont be too stubborn about staying

Its not worth risking yourself for your job honestly, and I really hope peoples jobs do as much as they can for those they employ.

If you aren't working, do something with your time that you'll remember (safe things obviously) and if you are still working keep up the awesome progress, stay safe, and be blessed. ❤

[order-progress]

I used to have a really entitled outlook on life. In my mind though, I was entitled to my thought processes because it was where my mind existed in the place having had come from a once far more turbulent era. Back then I didn't question things that werent outwardly obvious. I didnt question the unremarkable identities of things that exhibited no distinctions amongst one another. Life was a stream of experience, and I just did the best of choices I decided to arrange, or really actually, more like shuffle choices into a messy pile and pat myself in the back cause I could squint at it my mismatched pile of non related events and not feel guilty for putting off routine, structure and goals.

I guess it isnt so surprising to anticipate that like all my other experiences, disicpline would present itself when and if I needed it to be summoned out of wherever creative and yet very hard to imagine location i would imagine it arriving at some future, ambiguous date, just in time to make no work look like fancier no work and with ribbons on it.

Something very common happened to me, something that is happinning right now all around the world, no matter how many days, or years after i first posted this here.

My boyfriend broke up with me.

I wore my entitlement pretty high that day, because somehow, despite there having been no carefully executed plan made on ky end--some masterpiece scheme of genius where one could really see there existed some reasonable and healthy attention to tackle to fucking problem.

Nope. My mother fucking entitled ass decided id actually be shocked. Not even fake shocked. Thats how you know you have lost touch with your surroundings, because big things happen in your wake..while your awake and yet somehow your stuck on who killed the butler in the library with the candle stick.

What makes this one of the most significant event despite its occurance being fairly common globaly, is that his presence had caused me to become more aware of more of the things I would have otherwise taken in stride, none of these events were remarkable on their own, but collectivelly, I had inadvertantly cleaned up my mindspace to find neatly organized clusters of thoughts no longer blending into the subconcious like 70's urban grafitti.

I didnt hold that moment to some disporportionately skewed sugar coating scale just to get ribbons on them after they were organized,I just acknowledged them, like a breath,where as before, they were simply obstacles or pit stops that would perpetuate the chronic attention deficit I had welcomed into my head. I like to think of ADD as the worlds most innefective street sweepers, they sweep alright, but they just make a bigger mess and then you got things in places they have no business being in.

I was in a place of low self worth because of an accumulated collection of short lived and half assed adventures, disastrous endeavers and the nefarious presence of something so obscured, so black and forboding, made me avoid certain places for simply not wanting to deal with the house keeping it wouldve required to mitigate its destructive intentions.

I kept myself busy to not force the acknowledgent that this would become a source of not only my insecuruties, but then in addition to its ever increasing interconnectedness, its complexity. Its chambers that hardened like a mystical kight of armor, whose drawers were full of destructive objects and thoughts that rattled in their confinement as a means of foreshadowing something so sinister, I could not then yet fathom the destrutive ways its icy talons would engulf and twist into my everyday life simply to create chaos, and it didnt register that this was a problem because amidst this battle royale of fragments and bits of poorly put together patterns, Francisco's presense was a light whose emimation lulled me into a complacecy I hadnt anticipated

It wasnt that in this period, that I conciously made a decision to disregard the growing issue, it was the novelty of being in a loving, beautiful and mature relationship with someone that as each day grew, so did my conviction that this person was becoming the brightest fixture in an ever cramped confined hallway of possibilities.

As I stood there aware of this moment, feeling a satisfaction and a gratitude I had never felt before, I realized that I had come so far on autopilot, it was a move that was almost instinctual, I rolled my sleeves up, put on the rocky theme song, got my gym bag ready, went and bought like every stupid unessecary stupid trinket shit people buy to feel like their getting a handle and a good start on some shit, but really it just becomes the infuriating bag of junk that is now the obstacle between you and the door handle to exit your car and actually start your project.

I felt a sense of urgency, I saw how unequipped I had been and while I was and it was this moment that taught me how much I loved him. I reckognized that somehow I was one of those fucking weirdos that jumped through those seedy ass short cut type scenarios in life to give you the same effect of the real thing in less the time, kind of like a GED vs high school diploma, or plan b instead of condoms.

I recognized that there was an innate element of unneccesary risk involved in many of my accomplishments. The risk was usually always a concious decision that I would accept a certain amount of totally unnecessary consequences that typically would define the life of those people who you catch specific glimpses of in mysterious times like dawn or dusk. And be like..yea i could totally see that guy having to figure out what to do with the llama he inherited as a result of some gamble.

This was no longer an acceptable risk. It wasnt that i thought it was dangerous or scare him away, its that I am not the kind of man that wakes up and sees the problems his factory has and finally knows how to fix it and then just be okay with going to bed and put it off.

This is where I get annoyed again. I knew that I wasnt capable of actively doing something against him, because we both agreed on things, and also neither of us was completely high as fucking kite on methamphetamines while operating a forklift to tune a paino yet.

I couldnt ever feel bad about atheletes who ugly cried after being disqualified for juicing to get an unfair advantage in the sports world.

Yet once again my overwhelming confidence, my lovable man mentality of "fuck a map or tools you got grit, spit and teeth". Prevailed.

Im mad because it was this moment right here. In a sea of me being happy to grow and learn and doing the rignt thing. I saw a place i overlooked, its presence was almost like a marker that there were many other areas i needed to work on, and i got sad.

I didnt feel good enough. I felt like a mess. I felt dissapointed at the pride in nothing I had taken so many times. I was finally proud of the changes i was making again, only to be reminded in a very real way of how I never had structure, never had a fail safe implemented effectively to instead of adopting either anxiety or no fucks about an event that could have been in my power to mitigate, i either didnt even notice I missed it, or didnt care.

As I started seeing the mountain of work I had to do, I wondered what it meant about how effectively i could handle other things moving forward, it was an irrational fear that I had that I would dissapoint him because I wanted us to be happy. But i am an artistic person, people who work with details to make a larger picture learn early on how to work details, and I never evaluated just how shoddy my altertanitive crash course was like getting PlAN B instead of putting a condom on.

I can handle pressure effectively. I can be okay with my decisions. What I cant do is open up a factory, see everything that was negelcted when I now know how to fix it, and then go to sleep like nothing bothered me.

I never in my life found myself in a place where i came face to face with old life and it made me feel sad or humilated. I felt like a fraud for just having gotten lucky that everytning worked out, while he worked hard.

I suddenly felt something I never experienced before, fear in love. The moment where you realize your not a piece of shit because you actually dont want to let someone down, the moment when you feel bad because you walked around in life with luck you didnt give a second thought to and passed it off as hard work. And here was this beautiful man, whose life was suffering and hard work, and you realized all of it at once, and there I was, eager fucking beaver captain america man of the house cause now i feel like a god damned engineer since i could assemble an ikea 3 piece wrench-back the fuck up motherfuckers.

I just felt humbled and i felt driven. I also felt the pressures rise up around me and I dont know why I couldnt look away from the sight of the realization of how id been. And its not like i did it all on purpose, but from that moment on, it was as if I had something to prove to myself that at that time I couldnt understand yet because I hadnt reflected yet. And as I was taking the scenic route on ways to "punish yourself is actually how we fucking motivate ourselves around here cus were fucking men" the bigger I created something inside me that wasnt ever there. And then as the places that I had been tendering to and growing in started to not be kept, pressure in my life at home happened. And for the first time in my entire life I was embarrassed at my life.

I remember the moment I felt it, my mom leaving me at work after I lost my car. I walked 2 miles in the cold because i was infuriated that I allowed another event I could have forseen to happen.

I never in my life reflected this intensley on my actions before. Having him in my life made me realize I had been holding myself to a higher standard because I am at my best when I when I am actively building towards something. I opened a place in me I never saw with those eyes and it hurt me. I tried to let him in, and to be honest, the insecurities of him seeing all that mortiified me..not because I would be seen as a slob or this or that, i was just dissapointed that I for a time during when I needed it the most in my early life, I wasnt necessarily taught healthy ways to do things. Mostly because I came to this country at 10, didnt know english, parents worked all the time until i was 16 and then dad got sick with brain cancer and we caught it after he had a seizure cause dad apperently loved moonlighting as my biggest fan when he would go reading my journal at night.

I didnt know how to explain it to francisco. I was feeling. New concept, i was feeling out of sync, i didnt understand why it hit me so hard. I was trying to look away and orient myself on the present.

I could have just dealt with that. But i suddenly felt raw and vulnerable. My boyfriend and I were getting into arguments because I just wanted us to be closer due to this need i didnt know how to vocalize about what I was going through, and he hesitated because he probably thought id leave him if i saw his dirty secrets.

That was the one thing he really never appreciated about my love. I just knew. If everything else was as evident ..like this feelings and where they came from and how to process them healthy while ...it just all got too much. I didnt know how to tell him what I needed. I just needed him.

I started to feel like i wasnt tethered to the focused areas I was so eager to work in. I just kept telling myself communication is key we will get through it.

Then I the drugs did something I didnt expect them to. They turned off this guilt and switch. They gave me the quiet to make them come down to a more manegeable place where I wasnt overwhelmed anymore.

Because I couldnt process this in words at the time, i didnt know how to express that to him. It led to me feeling guilty for not understanding why i enjoyed doing the drugs aside from the stimulant effect. When i tried to explain it to him, it was like trying to coin a cheesy motto for a doomed cereal commercial in french, basically everuthing sounded like something he had no understamding or could relate to.

I started feeling depressed because i could see that although from his perspective we were fighting..

I was even more frustrated becauese we werent fighting. I was pretty much crying, trying to tell him in french something he didnt understand while he was yelling at me in english about me not respecting him by not speaking english.

This was the worst fucking part. Because part of the issue that led me here was accountabiliyy and communication.

I kept telling him in the only way i knew how.please im sorry i know things are getting worse. But this isnt how we are.

I thought we could get through anything.

In his mind he saw a piece of something, he ignored my emotional attachment to it..and i mean i cant blame him, other people never quit.

But even in those moments i knew i wasnt going to be other people.

And suddenly i was alone. I was depressed. I had realized that it wasnt us that was th issue so i tried so hard to communicate more effectively that he got frustrated and said i talked in loops. I felt so alone because i understood his frustration and i just needed him to trust me. But that was the perfect storm when i just got so alone feeling from his inability to just not look at me how i felt at myself. And i honestly tried to fix it in the middle of him running away and the most painful thing was that he couldnt understand and i didnt know how to say it.

I dont blame him for leaving

But a part of me breaks to my very core to know that if he just literally lookrd at me like yes i was going crZy but i was just hurting and overwhelmed.

All i wanted and needed was him.

The worst. Pain was that he didnt see that.

And i needed to explain it. And he didnt let me.

I felt like i was desperatly trying to express something of real explaination. I just honestly was desperate to because he was running.

I

[1358456]

Review Response, Dec 22 - 28, 2019

“28″, but I’ll be including the reviews that came in this morning. Because hey.

And... there are a lot. The most this year.

Legacy Prologue - Kalos

1) That first part DEFINITELY reminded me of the XY chapter, except Y is being the Hikikomori (shut-in) and X is trying to drag her out... It’s a good role-reversal!

I also wanted it to be like the time in XY where Y found out what happened to her mother and she got super depressed. Except this time, X tries to do something about it. Finally.

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Legacy #008

1) LOVED IT!

Thank you!

2) Poor moon. I loved this chapter

Hey, it’s you! <3 Thank you kindly.

3) WoW cool chapter. So blue confessionele next chapter hopefully? Lol have been waiting on that for the entire story so Lets hope its the case

Haven’t we all. ... Except for those that don’t like this pairing...

4) It’s nice to see platinum trying to help blue move things was a good chapter with nice interactions with the juniors and seniors all under the same roof

It’s like a big Dex Holder family! ... But not too big, since there are far too many of them nowadays! And despite Platinum not really wanting to get involved, she helps out anyways, as “foretold” by the Headcanon Chronology!

5) While Moon really should rest, the idea of her getting that Spirit of Vengeance team you posted about on your Tumblr sounds way too awesome. ...Also Umbreon bias since it's my first (and only) shiny, but yeah.

Poor Blue - it really is probably only going to hurt her the longer she keeps it in. Wonder how that is going to play out, since I guess Platinum's now put things in motion. I think the first scene in this chapter is the one I enjoyed the most.

Damn, for Moon's Pokemon to die like that...that's gotta be traumatizing. I have to admire that determination though, even though she's shaping up to be a revenge-obsessed character from what I see.

Awesome chapter as always and can't wait for the next one!

Hehe. Spirit of Vengeance. The amount of curse in that team would be quite terrifying. Hehehe... ... Only shiny, you say? Aww...

Platinum has gotten the ball rolling despite not really wanting to. MVP of the confession? Hehe... Sisterly bonds, indeed. Now, will it work out in favor for Blue??

Moon can’t be filled with a lust for vengeance if none of her friends and Pokemon have perished. And so now she rises from her agony with ice cold determination for blood to be spilled for the blood that had been shed. ... Or does that saying go the other way around? Heh. Regardless. She’s pissed, has a bow, lethal poison, and soon to be a team packed with ghosts (and Dark types).

Thank you as always! And you won’t have to wait long~!

6) Eh lucky really isnt my cup of tea but the way you write stories is pretty awesome keep up the good work!

I could tell by the anon ID you picked. To each their own. And thank you!

7) Awww blue being so shy hahahaha. Its like the roles have reversed since the first time they met thats so cute! Anyway Great story as usual

Hehe. Timid Blue~! It’s new and very cute, isn’t it? And thank you.

8) Hey man Great story looking forward to the next chapter

Thank you. It’s coming very soon.

9) Wow this is A really underrated story I really like how you keep most characters so in character!

Still underrated... in comparison to my previous stuff. But that’s to be expected, I guess. And thank you.

10) Well Colour me surprised ! A Pokemon story thats not forcing crack pairings! Anyway Where is green in this story?

Heh. Crack pairings... Only once in a solar eclipse. And... who? Heh. He’s in Kalos and thus off screen.

11) Wtf did moons Pokemon just die? Great story but damn thats fucking dark

Yes they perished in the fire. “Die, insect” and all. ... And one of them was an insect! Heh. Ahem. ... Dark? That’s not dark. Have you seen the stuff I did in SA and Destiny? Heh...

12) I mean I kinda like the story but isnt specialshipping canon? Also this is really really dark

No, it’s not canon. What is canon is that Yellow has a crush on Red. What’s also canon is that Red is uncomfortable with the idea. And of course he is. He thought she was a guy the whole time and then suddenly found out all at once that she was a girl and had a crush on him. His response is not going to be positive. And again, this is not dark. ... Though I guess that depends on your sensitivity.

13) hey sorry for not leaving A review for so long but I still really like the story lol!

Hey, you’re back. ... Then... who’s the anon with the v2 of your ID?

14) I love your writing style!

Thank you!

15) I somehow found Pearl smacking Black across the face to wake him up funnier than it should’ve been. Haha

I wonder if Blue really will confess to Red today. If so, I wonder how the opportunity would present itself.

Its quite sad that Hau, Lillie, and two of Moon’s Pokemon died. I guess this is where Moon’s overhaul comes in. I cant wait to see Moon’s viciousness unleashed when she inevitably meets the guys responsible for all that.

I look forward to more!

Hehe. Black always getting smacked around in my stories, literally and figuratively.

Will Blue truly confess on that day (which is a day before the stuff in Alola happens), or will she fail again due to anxiety? And will it end well for her??

Moon’s overhaul is happening now, yes. For that, she’ll have to go to Galar too. And I don’t know sh*t about that region, so... that’ll be difficult. Hehe. And much later in the story when she meets her foe... oho, Rage Unleashed Moon!

16) Moon and Lillie sure get burned really bad. Also, what about the kid with the malasadas? Hopefully, Blue will confessed to Red soon...

The local boy with the malasada had the same fate as Lillie. Two stretchers with a body on top, with the white blankets pulled all the way up.

17) I figured that now would be the best time to give a review for one of your works. therefore, I should review my personal favourite.

I been a consistent and long-time reader for numerous years now without ever leaving a review. I simply didn't have an account until recently just so I can give my thoughts on some of the series that you make.

Regarding Legacy as a whole, it truely showcases your ability to take the wide variety of dexholders and thiee different personalities and place them in situations that would absolutely never occur in the actual story. I have always loved the way you portray each individual character, improving thier teama and strategies and having genuine character growth. Although Sun and Moon are my uncontested favourite characters so far, I adore the way you use Platinum B in your stories, giving her a genuine personality and character traits.

You also generate a wide range of different and creative settings for each of the characters to go through. Legacy is the perfect example of this in terms of one truely coherent story setting. by using the opportunity of the highest stakes that these dexholders may ever face, you use the opportunity to explore all of the aspects of each character amazingly and how they would face this danger.

Since Sun and Moon are my favourite characters, the wait for this chapter absolutely killed me. Although it sucks that due to the lack of reviews for these characters I will get few opportunties to read your way of presenting the characters What I am trying to say is that the way you write your characters makes them feel REAL. I genuinely believe that these are the actual characters as they personalties are replicated and refined to perfection The way both Sun and Moon react in this chapter is exactly the way I would have expected them to. Being a Deliveryshipping day 1, seeing even the slightest interactions in any media, especially in your stories always brings joy to me. I have regulary reread most of your works such as Special Chronicals and Distinct Events becuase each story is chapter is amazing in its own right.

Your amazing work has inspired me to possibly start my own project one day. I am sorry for the stress that you have gone through this year and the issues with the Discord. It will get better this year. Seeing as you use reviews to indicate the popularity of a particular series, I had to write this review so that this series can get the update it deserves so that we can all see how this fantastic story ends. Thank your for all of the amazing work you have done.

Whoa, hello. Haven’t gotten a review this long since a certain someone stopped with Destiny reviews back in July.

Accounts aren’t necessary for the reviews. Guest reviews exist! And if you use the same anon ID, I’d know it’s you. But thank you for going through the effort! It’s much appreciated!

Aww, thank you very much! <3 And while I don’t know about Sun, but Moon is going to be in the spotlight quite a lot, so enjoy it! Since Platinum is my uncontested favorite, she gets plenty of development in my stories, with new character bonds, teams, battling style, etc. And unlike in DPPt, she actually gets to do things against the enemy.

Of the three major stories I’ve written (SA, Destiny, Legacy), Legacy has the lowest stakes. But I think it’s also the most personal, which I guess means it’s much more important for individual Dex Holders. Well, we’ll see as time passes. And yes, these are kind of things that would never happen in the actual arcs, so the Dex Holders get to be stress-tested. How would they react given their personalities, tics, relationships, etc, in a realistic situation?

Oh. ... Ahem. Sorry for making you wait 7 months. Ehehe... And while it’s true that Sun and Moon currently have the lowest “viewership”, that changes as time passes. Like Black and White in SA and X and Y in Destiny. As the “meh” torch is passed down to Sword and Shield, Sun and Moon might rise in popularity, thus increasing the chances of them appearing in my stories.

I don’t really know if this was how Sun would react though. But I also don’t know how he would’ve actually reacted, so this might not be outside the possibility range. I kind of had him act like Black, really, but without being as sweet... or loud. Well, there will be more Sun & Moon interactions for you to enjoy in the upcoming chapters, so... there you go!

You should start your own project! Go for it! And eh, Discord. Sh*t happens. I wouldn’t call that stress. Anyways. Yes, I use the review count as an indicator of how many people have finished the chapter. Of course, there are plenty of people who read the chapter to the end without reviewing, and the number of people who review after reading tends to fluctuate. But if there is a trend, that indicates a trend in viewership as well. And that is what I look at. Hence the charts. And yes. We’d all like to see how the story ends. Me included. Keep up with the reviews and we’ll all see it by 2021.

And thank you so much for the review and the... sweet talking. Hehe <3

18) Just found this story and am enjoying it thoroughly. Big fan of your Blue characterization as well, I used to enjoy shipping Red with Yellow, but recently, I've come to enjoy Blue with Red.

A small nitpick - Did none of the juniors comment on Red and Blue sleeping in the same room/bed while they stayed in Red's house in the last two chapters? I would assume the female juniors already know Blue likes Red and so won't say anything unnecessary, but I guess the guys are a little more tactful than we give them credit for?

Looking forward to me. Cheers.

Red with Blue works very well. And it’s cute! Hehe... ... biased.

Heh. The girls... already know, since the girls who are in the house were Platinum, White, and Y, and they already know of Blue’s crush and all that. So White and Y would just snicker at the fact that Red and Blue are sleeping on the same bed, while Platinum would just smile. As for the boys... Diamond might notice something if he spent more time talking to Red and Blue before and after. But I doubt Pearl or Black would notice anything odd. They’d probably just assume that Red and Blue are sharing the bed because a ton of guests were sleeping in the living room, so there were no other options.

Of course, all that’s assuming that the juniors know that Red and Blue are sleeping on the same bed. I don’t recall having Red and Blue give them a tour of the house, so as far as the juniors know, there might be another bed upstairs. ... Though a house tour is generally the first thing you do, but... heh. Ambiguity. No one knows for sure.

And I look forward to seeing more reviews from you!

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Well well. Would you look at THAT. Way above the average now. So... looks like I’ll have to keep my word and update Legacy again before this year ends in 3 days. Heh. Of course, I did notice a few things but... well... whatever.

18. That’s the most reviews I’ve gotten in a chapter in all of 2019. Or 2018. ... And vast majority of 2017 (Legacy Prologue - Kanto was in January 2017). If this kind of thing happened much more frequently, I would be updating Legacy like once every two weeks, instead of 3~4 times in a year.

But, there you have it! New record in almost 3 years. As a result... Legacy update in 3 days.

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DE #031

1) Sun and moon are so cute. I love them

Support the new...ish pairing!

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And with that, DE #031 is no longer in the top 4 least reviewed. Yay!

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SC #017

1) Awesome story.

Thank you.

2) Well that was...brutal alright. Thugs deserved it though. I'm mildly surprised no one died, but I think that's more because I'm used to seeing that from your old "doom hammer" chapters.

I admit the Santa part was an amusing touch, and I guess that explains why you needed to release this by the end of the year. Heh, Blue's gadgets are useful as always and very effective - that's a nice disguise. That action scene was awesome and easily the best scene in this chapter. The situation aside...it was nice to see Red be a hero even without his Pokemon.

You were right - this is an enjoyable chapter and I like this "brutal Red" experiment. Can't wait for the next chapter!

Heh. The doom hammer is for serious stories. Not comical ones. So no one dies in the hands of Santa Claus. This time.

Ahem. Well, there’s the inspiration for the chapter, and the reason behind the line of “Or Santa will go jolly on your naughty asses with a candy cane axe”. Hehe. Cheers, everyone, Santa has come to town!

And the duo of Red and Blue becomes much stronger. Mercenary Red with technological support!

Hehe. Much more serious brutal Red (instead of comical) to come up later as the experimentation continues. Ohoho!

3) holy crud, santa beating up a gang is greatest thing ever

Yep. Santa going to town on their naughty asses with a candy cane bat. What’s not to love?

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And with that, the latest SC chapter is now in the top 4 least reviewed. For now?

... Looks like the “A Day at Work” chapters are failing miserably, since they’re at 1 and 3 reviews respectively. So... I guess I won’t be doing that again.

And with this, the longest review response post of 2019 has come to an end.

[squidcalamarium]

An open letter to three people

I would write this (and post it) on some other social media platform, or even write it out in a google doc, but that all feels either more vulnerable or impersonal than I want this to be. I understand that posting about my Feelings on tumblr isnt really all that private, but here all I am is what I say I am, and that matters more than anything really.

Anyway

This is going to be really long.

Five years ago, when I was 15, I identified as agender and pansexual. I was struggling a lot with feelings of "greyness" accompanied by intense bursts of anxiety, and both would make me cry. I cried a lot. I cried a lot for years. I still cry fairly easily but thats beside the point because I dont cry As Much, now. I dont cry as much as I used to, and it's not as painful as it used to be, because I have you three.

I was 14 and scared of myself when I met my first real best friend, at a mutual friends birthday party. I used to struggle with accepting a lot of things about myself, before I met her. Before I met you, I was disgusted by the way I looked. Not because I thought I was fat, though I struggled with that some, no, the main reason was my skin. I was raised believing the darkness in my skin was something to be ashamed of. Not ever directly, my grandmother would never ever tell me, her perfect granddaughter, that her skin tone was shameful. But it was in everything around me, from the age of 8 to 12, that taught me that being Half of something that's supposed to be Opposite of another, is wrong. The distinction between Right White and Black as Sin.

You helped me see past that. You helped me be able to look back at pictures of myself from when I was in elementary, middleschool, yesterday, and not have to look away. I was a really cute kid, looking back. I dont have to fight myself when my mom posts pictures of me from years ago on Facebook anymore. I know I'm not ugly. I know I never was. Now.

It struck me when I was 14, a year after getting to know you, that I didnt think my skin was ugly anymore. That I could like features about myself again. I cried when I realized that. I started to explore myself in other ways, after that, because I could finally look past how I Looked into what I Am.

I tried out genderfluid for a while, scared to admit I wasn't a Girl. At 15 I tried out agender, and like I said above, that was probably a product of my hormonally increased depression. It was also because I was scared to admit I Was A Boy. It's easier to say I'm nothing than it is to say I'm something.

It's hard, learning to accept one aspect of yourself only to struggle immediately after with another.

I dont remember much about this stretch of time in my life, and my timeline is incredibly blurry. I remember when I first met my two best friends, but I dont remember when I first met my girlfriend. Probably because we just weren't very close at the time. It was middleschool, after all. We met through a mutual friend and never really got to spend any time together until highschool. Anyway, back on topic. I think I was about to talk about how I learned to Love again.

For a Very long time, I was scared to even say the words "I love you" out loud and in a coherent manner to another human being. Saying "I love you" felt like a weakness, something vulnerable that once said, would be used against me. It had been, before, but not by you. Which you? All three of you.

Love, too me, used to be something sacred and delicate that could be ruined if I said it to freely. To say it would be to give someone the opportunity to hurt me, and no matter how many times someone said they loved me, I couldnt say it back. I was like this for so long, and it hurt so much.

Love, too me now, is still something incredibly special, but also something that should be said freely. Love is a feeling best felt shared. Love isnt just Romantic, and it never has been. I love flowers in fall, I love the feeling of summer rain, I love the color pink, I love the Concept of goblins, I love my hair, I love my girlfriend, I love my best friends. I love being able to say "I love you" without feeling like I'm pulling rocks out of my lungs. I love being able to say "I love you" without feeling the blood grow heavy in my skin and fear suplex my heart.

I love knowing I'm loved just as much as I love them.

I love knowing no one is going to fight over who I love more. Knowing I love you all differently and just as passionately. Knowing I dont have to be scared of being abandoned.

When I learned how to love without being scared, and how to trust in others, I was able to accept more about myself. I was around 17 when I accepted the fact that I'm a man. I'm not a girl, I'm not nothing, I am genuine to myself. I struggled a lot with accepting that. I was scared of myself.

Before I came to that conclusion, and went a little bit wild, I met my other best friend. He helped me find peace in myself.

I was not in the best place, when I was 16. I almost did a lot of things when I was 16. I dont think I tried to kill myself, but I also dont remember a lot of my teen years. He would know better, the kind of place I was in at the time. He helped me get through it.

Sometimes, when you catch yourself in a rut and cant seem to find a way out and just end up digging yourself down deeper, you need someone to call you an idiot. You need someone to go "maybe instead of resigning yourself to pacing back and forth forever, you could try and climb. You could try and dig into the walls and climb. Just stop trying to pretend it's okay, and ask for help."

I decided from then on out that I was going to treat myself better. That I wouldnt seek out self deprecation, and I wouldnt dwell on things that made me feel bad. It was hard, and it Still Is, but I'm better now. I'm better than I was. I still have the screenshots of the texts he sent me. They're on a blog I used to Write my Woes onto, but now its just an archive.

I am no longer my Own Worst Enemy.

When I first got with my girlfriend, I was kind of in the middle of losing my mind, and I ended up breaking up with her. Awful decision, really, but it needed to happen. I needed to grow as a person, into someone who deserved her even a Little Bit.

I still dont think I'm good enough for her, not by a long shot, shes a better person than I'll ever be. But she loves me anyway. Shes seen me when I looked my worst, when my brain was at its worst, and she still loves me. I dont think ill ever measure up to be what I think she deserves, but I try.

She motivates me, more than anything, to keep trying. To keep going. I almost didnt make it past 19, despite everything I still almost gave in, I almost gave up. I refuse to hurt her like that though. I can't hurt any of you like that.

I cant give up now, not when I have a future to look forward to, and that above all else is what she gives me. Its what you give me. A future to look forward too, to want to earn, to achieve.

I have never really had any solid idea of what I wanted out of life as I gotolder. Usually I'd go for more vague things, like "I want to be an artist and make money from my crafts" and "I want to be a therapist for tweens and young teens, to help them understand themselves." But besides that, I had nothing. What kind of life would I lead, outside of these Career Paths?

Now, I know I just want to be yours. For as long as you'll have me.

I'm 20 now. I am a man, and I don't really want to bother much with a label for my sexuality besides saying I'm queer. I have two best friends, one like a sister another like a muse, and my girlfriend. I have a cat named chelly and a dog named princess.

My life isnt where I want it to be, but I'm a better person now than I was before.

I'm better at Being a person than I ever have been.

Because everything I am now I had the potential to become, and everything I will be I have to potential to become.

There are a finite amount of resources in me, and the more I learn the better I am at using them.

I still get upset just as easily now as I did before, I can still spiral just as badly. I can still cry just as quickly. It's just that now, I know what to do to calm down a little quicker. Now, I'm nicer to myself. Now, I know how to redirect my emotions and my thoughts.

I'm still everything that I was before, just with more experience. The same parts, just rearranged more effectively than before. I'm as quick to comfort myself as I am to comfort others.

And it's all thanks to them. It's all thanks to you.

Thanks you.

I love you

[bunnysunnymew]

Bunnysunnymew’s tips and tricks for buying commissions

Hey people of tumblr. So I’ve been buying commissions for over 2 years now and I thought I’d give out some helpful tips and tricks for those of you just getting into it, things that I wish I had know when I stated commissioning. First advice is don’t start because it quickly becomes an addiction. However if you still want to, here's what to do.

DO

ASK! About EVERYTHING. Check their TOS and commission page first and if you can’t find information there then MAKE SURE YOU ASK! Before you pay them be sure you  know:

Their refund policy

Their estimated wait time

Their “changes fee” policy. Meany artist charge extra if they have to make a change to the drawing (or even to the sketch for some) and that can wrack up to be a handful. Avoid commissioning people unwilling to make changes after the product is given

Their policy on you using the art  and posting the art to other websites. Some Artists put tricky little clauses in their Terms of Service saying you can’t post it anywhere or with customs and adopts you can’t do certain things with the character, so make sure you know that first and avoid commissioning people with a lot of restrictions

THEIR TERMS OF SERVICE! And make sure you read it thoroughly! I know we are all used to just clicking agree when it comes to tos’s on other things but when it comes to art IT IS ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIALLY THAT YOU READ IT! Otherwise they can just wright in clauses stating all payment is final and they have unlimited time to complete it so you might wait two years and still be empty handed, and they still legally will have the upperhand on you.

If WIPs (works in progress) are induced or if you have to ask for them

Their will not draw list. Some artists have certain things that they will not draw, like not safe for work, fetishes overly complicated machines, furries, gore, and offensive content. If you want a drawing of something that is on someone's do not draw list, do yourself a favor, find someone else.This is not for their sake, its for yours. All you are going to be doing is wasting everyone's time and making the artists (and their fans when they rant about it publicly) very angry. And if you somehow do talk them into drawing it, witch 99% of the time you won’t they will do a garbage job. Trust me, there is always someone else who is willing to draw what you want. It doesn't matter how much you liked their style find someone else someone whos all about that kind of art and you will have a much more pleasant time.

Currency conversions. Not everyone does things in the american dollar so if their paying in pounds, CAD, yen or whatever know how much the american equivalent is. A Lot of people who are not american will have lower prices, however this isnt always the case

2) Utilize same day commissions

This induces in stream commissions on websites like https://picarto.tv where you can get your commission in stream! This is a guarantee that you will avoid people who take months and months to complete or never deliver at all. Just keep in mind that not everyone on those websites who tag their stuff as commissions are taking them right then and there, so you might need to fish around a little bit before finding a winner

This also induces commissions at conventions, especially ones that have multiple days, Make sure you hit up the vendor's hall before you go to any of the panels so you can get on their list faster. If they say it will be done by the end of the convention then thats a green light and your good to go. HOWEVER, IF THEY SAY THAT IT WILL BE MAILED/SENT AFTER THE CON, OR IF YOU GO TO THEM ON THE LAST DAY OF THE CON TOWARDS THE END OF THE DAY AND YOUR COMMISSION'S STILL NOT DONE YET BE EXTREMELY WEARY! Even so some of them may be genuine and honest,  just as many of them will look you in they eye and promise you your commission and then  never deliver. THIS INCLUDES PEOPLE WHO HAVE ALREADY PROVIDED YOU WITH A PRODUCT.

              ~Storytime: So one time I was at a convention and I found this person who made furry badges at a great price, so I bought one, and I’ll admit to this day its one of if not the best piece of art I have of the character that I commissioned (and believe me, I have a lot of art of this character). Because of this I felt inclined to trust the artist when they told me they would mail it out to me and not only did I buy another commission but I convinced my younger sister to buy one as well  (AND SHE PAID CASH). I was surprised when I saw them at a convention a few weeks later taking more commissions, but I was like its ok its only been a few weeks. Fast foreword to the end of the month, and I still don’t have ether commission. I contact them several times after, sometimes they reply, sometimes they ignore me. 3 months later, they sent me a WIP for my commission. I thanked for the update. I continues asking questions about my commission and my sisters commission. A month later I revived my commission. My sister on the other hand NEVER received hers. After moths and moths of integrating the artist, they claimed the art must have gotten lost in the mail. And insted of refunding her the full amount, (she paid 30 dollars) they claimed she paid 20 and refunded my paypal (because they didn't have hers) 19 dollars and 20 cents (even less than what she claimed my sister paid). You want to know why she got away with it? Because my sister paid cash so we didn't have proof and because we trusted the artist to keep their word. Do not make the same mistake!

3) Set due dates if you can. If you can get them to agree a commission must be done by a certain date or you will be refunded you are much much safer. Keep in mind meny artists aren’t willing to do this  because they claim a due date stresses them out or something so when you find someone who will hold onto that person and don’t let go. Although it's not guaranteed they won't bail on you and just stop responding, this extra insurance makes it far less likey that you’ll get ripped off

4) Search around for good prices first. Don’t just settle with the first person that has nice art, look around! Expensive artists usually are not worth it, and you will get way more bang for your buck if you take the time to search for example this:

Cost me less then 7 dollars

 It took me a while to find this sweet deal, I was searching all day on the streams for a good artist to draw me some stuff and at one point I was getting so desperate i was almost willing to just pay 15 dollars for a sketch, when I stumbled upon this lovey lovey artist. This wasn’t even the first thing I commissioned them, when I saw what great quality they had for a low prices I got another!  They are hidden, but people with great affordable prices are out there, so don’t waste your money with people who are gonna overcharge or charge you more for art than you feel comfortable with

5) Check out their other artwork first. NEVER commission someone until you have thoroughly gone though their gallery and seen examples of past commissions. Sometimes Artists will make their icons prices they commissioned themselves or only put their best work on the front page. Don't ever assume buy looking at one piece that all their art will be the same quality.

6) If your asking about the prices of something make sure you specify that you are only inquiring about the commission and have not yet fully committed. This is very important, both with emails and in person commissions. Don't let them add you to their queue until you've make payment, especially in live streams. Say you are asking for reference and you aren't sure yet in the first sentence. It will make the artist a little disappointed, but it will make them much more disappointed if they start working on your art and you back out, and if they finish the piece before they realize you were just inquiring, you can get in some real hot water.

~Storytime, one time I was at a convention and I was going around asking if artists would be willing to make a certain piece for me (that involved controversial subject matter). The artist immediately asked for my name and information which I guess should have been a bg read flag, and then they sent me a text saying they had started working on it. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I actually wasn’t interested because the prices were so high, so I ended up paying 50 dollars for something that (while they had clearly put effort into and it wasn't bad) I couldn't afford and didn't exactly value that much. Anxiety about hurting artists feelings can come at the worst of times, even to people like me who are praticuraly strong willed. Do yourself a favor and avoid the situation entirely by being extra clear up front and avoiding any misunderstandings from the get go

7) Barter prices in PRIVATE. This is one I say use with caution, because there are some artists who will be offended that you even asked. However, for every artist I’ve meet who has been like “HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO CHANGE MY PRICES?!” there are 2 others that were like “yeah, that sounds ok”. Just whatever you do, DO NOT ASK ABOUT IT IN PUBIC! Not unless you want a ton of their rabid fans to come after you and send you nasty hate messages about committing what they view as ultimate sin against their senpai

8) Use flowery, delicate language when asking for changes, discounts and anything else extra that you might want. Artists tend to be hypersensitive people who can sometimes take it personally when you ask them to change their art.  That's why you need to sugar coat EVERYTHING when you talk to them. For example, instead of saying something like “Why did you not draw little white mittens on the end of mittens paws? Did you not read anything I sent you about his character description? Did you not look at the ref at all??? It's LITERALLY IN HIS NAME  YOU Imbecile!” Try something like “ Hey it’s looking really good so far but is there any way you can add little white mittens on his paws? I thought I mentioned that in the original message I sent you but I’m very sorry if I didn’t” Try to avoid accusing them of anything unless it's absolutely necessary because they do not react well to that at all

9) Tip if they did something extra for you, did an amazing job, or have prices you feel are to low. Providing incentive for good behavior will make it more likely to happen in the future.

10) Follow the artist on the social media platform you found them on and if they don't post regularly, do not commission them (more on that later). This will also let you know when they have sales, and any updates and delays you may be having that may delay

11) provide a ref if you can. If it's your first commission ever you may be thinking, “but bunny, I can’t draw! That’s why I’m commissioning other people to draw for me!” Let me tell you something, A POORLY DRAWN REF IS BETTER THAN NO REF AT ALL. Descriptions are ok but they allow a lot of room for error. Provide a description and some kind of drawing, even if its poorly drawn. The artist won't judge you, your paying them. If not you can commission someone without a visual ref, however be aware you may be setting yourself up for potential major inconstancys 

12) try offering them cash to speed up your commission if they aren't doing it fast enough. Not all artist will do this but some will. Cation though, I would not advise this with people who you have never commissioned before and have taken alone time with your commission with no WIP, and they might just be taking your money with no result

13)Have cation with sellers who don't speak your native language. Non-English speakers might have cheaper prices, and be super sweet. However leagues barrier can sometimes cause problem as to communicating what kind of commission you want which can cause problems

14) Check their queue first!!!!!!!!!

~Storytime. So somewhat recently I commissioned someone on furaffinity. And i checked all my boxes. They had good prices, specialized in what I was looking for, seemed active and had a consistent gallery. So I went ahead and commissioned them 30 dollars worth of art. Then I SAW THEIR QUEUE AND FELT INSTANT REGRET. You see I commissioned them in October, of this year. Their queue went back to 2016. It's been over a month now with no WIP and honestly I doubt I’ll be getting it any time soon ALWAYS CHECK FIRST!

Dont:

1) pay in cash (paper cash). If your read the story about the unfaithful commissioner above you probably just in case you should know that when you pay in cash at conventions the majority of people do not provide physical receet. Not only this but even if they do they are easy to lose. I strongly advise you pay with card and pay the extra card processing fee because that gets you a permanent non-loseable proof of precious so it's way harder for them to rip you off.

2) Commission your IRL friends. But they are your best friend and you have to be supportive, right! No! do not do it! I don’t care how good their art is, or how good their prices are, never commission your IRL close friends! It is not worth possible fights and your friendship

~Storytime: So one time I decided to commission one of my best friends in the world. I have known this person for years, they are honestly one of the funniest sweetest and best humans I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. I would take a bullet for this person. That being said I will NEVER EVER EVER COMMISSION THEM AGAIN. Now I came to them about a custom character I had come up with and they said they would do a colored drawing for 15 dollars witch was a good deal. I’d also like to mention that I had commissioned them multiple times in the past with absolutely no problems. But this time I had gotten into a personal fight with my friend, I felt like they were not spending enough time with me and they felt like I was interionaly going out of my way to make them feel bad. So when I inquired about my oc, I was a bit hostel. However this person decided to take their hostility to another level. They claimed that I requested too many changes to the oc and because they helped come up with the design and draw it themselves it was their property now, then said they were going to sell MY OC as an adoptable on their page and they wouldn't let me buy it. I convinced them to sell me back MY OWN OC (and a sketch of my own OC) for the same price as the original commission was worth, then they said i wasn't aloud to make any changes or edits to the art otherwise they regain rights to the OC and If I posted the sketch anywhere I had to use the version with their obnoxiously large signature otherwise they would regain rights to the OC. When I accused them of messing up my commission out of spite for a personal feud, they admitted that was the reason and said it doesn't matter because it's their art. Eventually we both apologize and made up, but that still doesn't change the fact that my commissioner tried to steal my own oc. It was by far the worst commission experience i ever had

3) publicly criticize their prices. It’ll just tick them off and send their little minions after you. It doesn't matter how ridiculous it is, just let it be and let the free market work itself out, they never view it as helpful anyways, and not selling anything is the only way to get most of them to learn

4)commission artists unwilling to change their style. This is why you ask about changes up front, because if they aren't willing to make changes, they aren't worth commissioning. It doesn't matter how much your paying them either. I paid 60 dollars to an artist and they were still unwilling to make a basic change because it “didn’t suit their style”

5) Use friends and family feature on paypal:  see something like this?

BE SKEPTICAL! PayPal separates these options into two separate categories for a reason! AND THAT REASON IS BUYER PROTECTION! IF YOU USE THE FRIENDS AND FAMILY OPTION YOU ARE GIVING UP ALL YOUR RIGHTS AS A CONSUMER, LIKE THE RIGHT TO A REFUND IF THE PRODUCT IS NEVER DELIVERED! DON'T DO IT! Insted, just offer to pay the difference. A Lot of artists just do this to get around paypal service fee, so if you pay the service fee yourself, there shouldn't be an issue. If they still want you to use the friends and family feature back out!

6) Bug the artist too much. While it is important to get your art in a timely manner, asking an artist constantly will mostly likely make them angry. That's why you get an ETA at the beginning. If they say it will take a week it's ok to ask them about updates every other day, but not if they say it will take a month. If they don’t give you an eta then ask away because you don’t want to get scammed. They kinda brought it on themselves at that point.

7) Be a pushover: this is probably the hardest one, but if they draw something super wrong tell them. You paid money for it, at the end of the day you getting a product that you paid for is more important than their feelings being intact

8)ASSUME THAT THE AMOUNT YOU PAY WILL EQUATE TO THE QUALITY OF THE ART!

Let me show you something

^ this was 17 dollars

^this was 10

and THIS (not linking bc I’m not trying to publicly attack them)

Was 60. All are about the same quality. Actually, I’d argue the 60 dolor one is worth less than the others. Sometimes you can get a bang for your buck. Other times you pay a bunch of money and get next to nothing. Don't assume because you payed a lot of money for something it will be high quality, or vice versa

9)Commission big name artists if you don’t want to pay more money

the more popular they are the more they can change, it's simple economics. Good news is it's hard for popular artists to rip people off because they are in the spotlight and have a lot to lose from doing so. Bad news, expect high prices and long wait times from the get go

10) commission someone rarely active. If you don’t see very much activity on their account that's a huge red flag they might go off the grid

11) treat the artist like a friend or get super personal with them (or flirt with them)

Treat your artist the same way you would treat any other person you'd do business with. Sure they might inspire you and you may relate to their work but that doesn't mean they wanna hear about your life problems or be your best friend. It is a profession, so keep it professional. And if you try flirting with them over a risque piece all you are going to do is make them extremely uncomfortable and get yourself blocked. Just because you pay them money does not make them your friend. It makes you their customer, the same as a lower, doctor, or local cashier.

12) buy a commission you don't want.  Do not buy out of obligation because you talked to them. You will run out of money very quickly

That’s about it. feel free to add on to this post if you guys find anything else. Sorry about all the spelling mistakes, I suck at spelling. I ran it through google docs but I know there’s a lot of stuff that wasn't caught.

[dedalustephen]

back for a bit.

i was reading through my diary entries from before and my shit adhd working memory really... makes me forget that i dont actually live as good and privileged a life as i think (or my parents allege) i do

the amount of /trauma/ you can see younger me was put through as a result of my parents' breaking and broken relationship was... slightly insane? i dont think me now would be able to handle that

like my parents really... straight up never gave a fuck about my mental health? it doesnt really clock as Really Bad but threatening to throw the dog out bc ur kid is crying in the toilet and refusing to leave maybe isnt a good thing to do?

and that also neglects the fact ive had to function at "gets into oxf*rd as an intl student" level with undiagnosed adhd that is the root of many, many, many emotional issues (which again of course my parents were not kind to)

and /then/ when i stopped being judgy of everyone and started to appreciate the world around me, 2019 hit and my entire life was thrown into political crisis after crisis, the notes i had in late 2019... i was absolutely terrified then??? like im paraoid now but it was even worse then for me, mentally. and then there was corona, i lost everything i looked forward to, there was never a proper full stop to my secondary school life, and then i was launched into covid era uni life, and then when i got home i hated every moment of it bc my dad was moving out and my mom was dating someone else and i was basically living with reminders that the life i was starting to know how to appreciate was already gone forever.

and then i was stranded in the uk for a year, and still am, put into more and more stressful situations having to deal with an adult adhd diagnosis having to try out meds living alone etc. etc. etc. all while my parents continue to not really give a fuck about my mental health, etc.

and all this isnt counting the stress of studying a dse curriculum and studying at oxf.

not to give myself too many pats on the back but ive really been through quite a lot lol and im quite glad for my adhd impacting my working memory bc i dont actually rmb all this happening, im just dealing with the consequences lol

the whole i want to go home to feel safe and secure thing has probably been a running theme thing, i only really was able to identify and verbalize it as that now bc im physically away from what i call home :( when thing is i never really felt safe and secure at home for a majority of my childhood anyways...

so like 1) ive always been this emotionally unstable, its not some im only like this in uni thing, and 2) ive been forced into dealing with most if not all of the issues thatve been piled up /all in one go/ bc if not i literally cannot be a functional adult that gets thru uni,,,,it is not a wonder that im constantly stressed and breaking down rn lmaooo

oh and i forgot i was gay and trans in hk???? at a very homophobic christian girls school??????? and my crush was deeply suic*dal and i had to talk her out of suic*de like once every two days?????????

what the FUCK was going on

processing all of this in hindsight when im away from my parents, politics, my past etc. is... quite insane i just took all of this in stride. im literally going thru less insane stuff than i did as a child which is why i acc have the headspace to deal with all of this and the emotional stability to process this like this without resorting to vague convoluted poems... also meds help lol

anyways im going to go easy on myself with collections this week and a lot of stuff in the future, of course my standards wont drop but i'll be kinder if that makes sense? like i wont beat myself up over crying rn and if i procrastinate too much i'll know whats up (though procrastinstion is so, so, so stressful) and im still going thru a lot of stress and anxiety,,and while i think im not enough like jesus christ ive been thru some shit people dont usually go thru

it's like wait lemme count

oh god theres also the people pleaser religious guilt and also chinese continue bloodline etc. guilt wtf

like that's 8-9ish things i had to deal with that, with any single one, could very likely break a person completely on the mental side of things lmao

ngl im quite strong :')

anyways now that ive processed that or well, at least started to process it, it's time to move on grow up 現實令你快要快要變做大丈夫 etc except like very much on the emotional strength and not 現實應對能力 lmaooooooooooooooo not j*rs voice being a main motivater again what if i see him and im like omg thank u for singing so many songs!! u helped me process my trauma <333 like akdksjjfsjjfjs lmaooo

[ildivine]

between watching a lot of youtubers, losing a lot of sleep, and playing a lot of the off-peak games, i feel my creativity blossoming in the abstract way that i strive for.

i at least have come to understand how my creativity is dulled, and what i need to get it going again. its difficult, getting older, and becoming more jaded, and depression in the back of my mind is a noisy buzzing that can only be quelled with alcohol or weed. ive been learning how to deal without the prior, but, mm.

i dreamt about gavin and i think about a lot of people in ways that i don’t get to often talk about. its not like i talk to my therapist about this kind of thing. i havent mentioned the system to any since the last one i trusted treated it like DID, and thats fine for systems that need it, but we don’t work that way, and we never have.

alternatively i do think about myself ... and my past lives, often. i feel my limbs more often and it blends with the dysphoria; its strange to think i get so envious of just being spiritually Aware. ingesting mushrooms is the most helpful thing to me, and i know i mute my own sixth sense with doubt.

ive isolated myself from others quite a bit, as ive been mean again. im learning to appreciate the time i spend with dean and connor, even if it is every day. i miss connor every time i wake up without zem next to me, especially after weekends when i really get used to it.

our one year is coming up in july and ze thought aloud to me about marriage and we gently brushed over it. ze said something along the lines of “well, i wanted to wait for a better opportunity...” which, understandable.

one day ill be able to afford nice things like real rings and wedding ceremonies, but the last week of cleaning up my room, and throwing a lot of things out, made me realize what focusing on survival really means. i told myself that in 2021 i would focus on letting go, and its still hard. letting go of friends, and loved ones, and things, old stuff, its all the same, i have such an emotional attachment that it gets tangled in my head and my emotions. connors told me constantly to buy necessities and i brushed em off ... so im glad a friend helped us make up for it.

its embarrassing and its frustrating to rely on my money for things that others dont see as necessary. alcohol quells my twitching but i do have an addiction to it cuz i simply like to drink til i cant anymore, n im still learning that boundary. weed, i cant really explain what it does for me, cuz it is unusual. simple things like helping my appetite and sleep, two major things i struggle with a lot, as well as giving me inspiration to get up in the mornings, or do anything at all. right now it is medical in new mexico and i have a PTSD diagnosis, and when i smoke, it quiets the voices in my head screaming at me about wanting to die. i dont know how common this is, but its one of the things i struggle with financially. to survive. even with all of my antidepressants and anxiety medications, mental illness still lingers, and i think the more i delve into new media as well as reflect on past lives and old memories, my brain is in a very strange place. but ive come to appreciate that it is strange, i am strange, and i have mental illness, and i probably wont ever be able to silence it. i can take out my desire to cut my own skin open by watching dissection videos, and then im also learning and absorbing new information along the way.

when im not absolutely drunk on a tank of heavy alcohol, i can focus. i appreciate that i lost the years of 2018-2020 mostly due to how much i was drinking, on top of a medication that was already terrible for my memory. but the other day i went through my mood charts over those years, where i wrote down how i was, and although i drank daily and felt guilty about it, my mood was generally stable.

unfortunately its very expensive and unhealthy, and the inevitable withdrawals make me worse off than i started with. my therapist considers me drinking as playing with fire, but ive learned how to consume responsibly; dean and i can stop after a six pack and itll put us to sleep, but ill always want another beer, even in the back of my mind. That slight buzz from the mimosa that Connor drank and melted into was likely most of the reason ze could actually start dozing off, and we were half craving another for fun and relaxation, but i thought “i probably wont be able to sleep tonight without another drink”.

and i was right, and i acknowledge that its a problem. so ive tried to find that sensation from other things like hops tea and carbonated water (ew, its still not good, honestly dsjfsdj) or kombuchas, because it triggers the same response in my brain without.. melting my organs. did u kno ur liver is FUCKING HUGE n its also the only organ that can heal itself?? the cells reconstruct differently than scar tissue usually binds together n i just think thats Neat.meme

jokes aside, i think its also why my liver is Fine despite the fact ive drank since i was 13 years old, minus the year of rehab sobriety. That was also my Only year of sobriety. Digging into my alcoholism ive done a lot of questioning as to why i rely on it, and i think it is a lot to do with being addicted to being drunk, and i think its also a lot to do with ‘wow, i can finally turn my brain off! the thing thats yelling at me all the time, feeling scared and sad,” but drinking is also essentially a boost of stress hormones, so when the endorphins wear off, u get sad or anxious all over again. ive come to learn that i only withdrawal or get hangovers if i drink more than, i guess the recommended amount by doctors. 3 glasses of wine will now do me in, dean can power thru anything regardless of what hes drinking, but it does affect the health in ways i cant ignore.

i enjoy drugs, i think is the bottom line. i look up how to get a hold of psychedelic mushrooms cuz u can just get em in the mail if ur in a country where its decriminalized (hint: we’re not) n immediately the results are between getting help for addiction or how magic mushrooms help depression in low doses.

i really have a theme here. im still mad that my parents induced my reliance on all these substances and i know i would be a lot better off if i didnt drink til i was 21 or never smoked cigarettes, and i accept im always gonna crave these things regardless, but i only feel creative when i drink or smoke, and thats another problem with addicts because u fry ur neurons hard enough it all dies down. ive appreciated watching videos and playing games when i am in the comatose, apathetic stage of depression like i have been in recently, where i cant force myself to do anything and even fronting someone else to do it takes energy that quickly dies down.

my energy has died quickly since i went vegan, as my nails have chipped since, so im experimenting with my diet. my taste pallet cant handle dairy anymore, and connor was only here to try it, and i think we all discovered we just... dont wanna do that. but eating fish again helped my energy and brought a glow back to my skin. too much, however, still gives me the greasy meat sweats, so... a lil bit of everything seems to be whats right.

i still crash a lot, but i think thats just a side effect of being 28 in this generation and feeling 68 instead.

anyway, now that my room is FINALLY clean and looking nice, i want to try to do art again. i miss art. i miss thinking in images, i miss my imagination, i miss roleplaying and writing and drawing and arting. conny wanted to paint too but was absolutely too tired on sunday lol n i respect that so maybe tonight we can get something together.

but its been nice to feel something in my brain stirring again that isnt just the gross black buzz of mental illness constantly telling me to die. i get used to it, i guess. i forget its not supposed to happen because i have survived it for so long. im on the max dose of antidepressants and medicine i can take and i still feel really bad sometimes, but i didnt realize it until other people brought it up. stress definitely kicks me into my big bipolar mood swings, but i havent shaken off the depression in months. im not sure what to do so im trying to expand my horizons.

[orgasmicstrawberries]

1:49 am

maybe i feel out of it lately because everything is about to change. im afraid of the future and whats coming and it makes me constantly nostalgic of like 2012 and it makes me want to go back just for a second, when things were good back then, before everything went bad. i knew id make it here one day, this just isnt how i pictured it and it’s kind of hard for me to deal with that in some weird way. part of me didnt think id make it, so that part of me feels even more isolated because it doesnt even know what it’s doing or where it’s going from here.

i feel like i know what will help bring me back to reality but unfortunately they are out of reach, as now it seems they will always just somebody i used to know, as much as i don’t want it to be. seeing it so close but so far away is one of the most frustrating feelings in the world and it makes me feel helpless. 

everything makes me feel helpless. there are so many people i want to know or people i have known that i want to know again that i won’t be able to be close to, since everybody is living their own lives. there are so many things i want to do that i will practically never be able to do with a stupid barely over minimum wage job. there are things i will never be able to learn because i don’t have enough time in my life, and i don’t even know how much time i have.

but throughout my 18 years of life, i feel like i have been through a shit ton, and although i have so much more to learn, i still feel accomplished because of the amount of suffering i have endured and what i learned from all of it. here are some things ive learned up to 18 years.

speak up. as somebody who is constantly anxious, i definitely have held my tongue in some situations because i was either too worried of what they would think of me, or i second guess myself. i learned that i have to trust myself, and trust is the key to my anxiety, whether it be trusting me or other people. i still have issues with this trust but im getting better.

continuing the last paragraph’s topic, trust. without trust, there is no foundation to anything. people seldom talk about how we should all trust ourselves, and i feel like it’s because it’s something that is so hard to do. how can you trust yourself when you don’t know who you are yet? how can you trust yourself when it feels like your mind and brain are working against you because of all of your mental issues? constant second guessing is something i struggle with everyday, but i’m continuing to progress on immediately following my gut in certain situations, and it’s fulfilling. i need to know what i want and go get it. sometimes i feel like i have subconscious trust issues because of shit that happened in my adolescence, because i used to trust myself. now i am too afraid of being wrong and too afraid of even slightly upsetting anybody; confrontation gives me anxiety and i fucking hate it. i just need to trust myself.

acknowledge it. even if it doesnt seem important in the moment, it may be in the long run. ESPECIALLY if it is something that bothers you, as it will fester and make you sad and anxious over something that may be much smaller in real life than in your head. 

accept relapses. recovery doesnt have a timeline; i still ache over things that happened in 2014 sometimes, and thats okay. it happened. things are bigger and better now, but that doesnt mean im not allowed to feel sad. pay attention to your own patterns, notice when things aren’t going as well as usual. self-care is something that should be paid more attention to by all humans. when things get bad, try to focus on the good that happened beforehand and how things will be better. baby steps help: cant get out of bed? take a short walk. crying your eyes out? watch movies at a friends house. it’s okay to struggle. what’s not okay is to not try.

recognize toxic thought processes. half of the bullshit i would try to wrap my head around would be ideas that i made up in my head. i felt like i was genuinely losing my sanity and i was so stuck in my own head that i couldn’t even distinguish it from reality, and i think that is the worst psychological experience i have ever gone through. i felt like i wasn’t even in my body and i was just this shell that walked around doing ‘isa’ things. it felt wrong and i felt like i didn’t belong on this planet. the smallest things would be twisted into these massive issues, and i unintentionally hurt people because i couldn’t navigate any of my thoughts and feelings. i still think about this experience quite often and hurt quite a bit, and i’m still trying to come to terms to the facts. it’s a strange and difficult feeling to have to convince yourself of facts, and the whole process is exhausting and frustrating. if it’s fucking true, then why do i have a million reasons in my head as to why it wouldn’t be? a million invalid reasons. it’s almost as if my brain tries to prove anything that makes me happy wrong, as if it’s trying to sabotage me. it’s incredibly hard to push those thoughts back. but it has to be done.

write. even if you don’t know what to write about, write about something. i write in a journal and nobody even uses tumblr anymore so nobody’s gonna fuckin see what i post here, so i thought typing it out would be faster and less painless (literally, my hand) for me. i guess i’ll use tumblr the way it really is supposed to be used, as a BLOG. huh? just find what works for you. 

i know nobody is going to read this, but it helped me lay out my thoughts a little bit because they’ve been all over the place lately and it will be nice to look back at this post if things ever get bad again. thanks tumblr

[i-amusemyself]

Every and all countries.

HEY ITS MY FAVE ANON!!!! 😄😄😄💕 Thankies!!!! (Sorry for the delay, ive barely had internet)

America: What is your favourite place to eat?I’m not really sure 😂 I dont ever really go out to eat and if I do I just end up going to McDonalds or Nandos tbh

Australia: Do you have any quirks when speaking? ….I don’t know, I don’t pay much attention! I know if my head is somewhere else I’m terrible at keeping eye contact. Besides that I basically just laugh for one reason or another and say sorry 24/7.

Austria: already answered

Belarus: Is there anyone that you love? Family/friends/romantic interest etc.Oh hell yeah definitely!! I love my family one way or another ig. My friends, even the ones I don’t see often, I absolutely adore! I have like 5 people I would legit die for 😂

Belgium: What do you think of your siblings?I dont have any. I wish I did tho.

Botswana: Do you like to sing? Why?Yeah, I like singing since it sometimes helps when my mood gets down. I only really do it when I’m alone tho bc im shy

Bulgaria: Who do you consider close to you?I have 3 close friends tbh and id trust them with just about anything

Cameroon: Describe your culture.Lmaoooo what culture? 😂 I’m basically english and i dont even know if the things associated with that would be considered cultural? Idk we just drink tea, say sorry and are supposed to have a stiff upper lip at all times

Canada: Favourite wintertime activity?Not having to go to school 😂 idk tbh, sledging is kinda fun from what i remember?

China: already answered

Cuba: What sort of grudges do you hold if any?I very rarely hold grudges tbh, I let 99% of things go even if people don’t apologise. It’s hard to say where the line is without sounding overdramatic. I guess if they made my life so bad I considered ending it I wouldnt like someone too much (or if others saw that and continued to stay friends with them).

Cyprus: already answered

Denmark: Do you wish for something of your past?Nah, not really. I try my best to look forward, not back.

Egypt: Do you stand up for what you believe in? How?Ummmm, I’m not sure I could say I’m that active in it. I once wrote a long, anonymous letter to the headteacher or my school wrt the treatment and education of lgbt people. Besides that? I havent dont much. I’d go to a protest if there was one nearby that I supported.

England: Are you controlling?That’s hard to answer? Because when things happen my initial instinct is to control them. But I’m a lot more chilled out than I used to be, and continuing to try to improve on it. So the amount of things I actively try to control are very slim. The issues lies more with my hatred of vague plans tbh 😂

Estonia: Do you think people often misunderstand you?I don’t open up to that many people, not really. Most the therapists I’ve seen have never got me at all. In terms of friends, some do get it, though it depends upon what specifically I’m trying to explain/show etc.

Finland: What do you prefer; kindness, sternness or apathy?Kindness, for sure. It’s nice to know other people might look out for you when you’re not necesarily in a place to look out for yourself. Sternness is just,, hard to communicate with and apathy can put me on edge.

France: How do you share love for those you care for?Most the time I just send them memes 😂 I try to make sure I’m honest and I don’t hold back with compliments. I also try to show then that I really am interested in them/their life, tho sometimes I worry I’m annoying them.

What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do?4 A levels whilst also juggling 3 jobs at one point.

Germany: Do you have a hard time forgiving yourself?I rarely forgive myself for something without outside help, and even then it isnt guaranteed

Ghana: What is your favourite sport?Basketball, its the only one I understand 😂

Greece: Do you let others help you when in need?I do sometimes tell my closest friends if I’m in a really bad patch and out of options. Although, I become more focused on making them feel helpful than actually being honest when I can’t believe them etc.

Hungary: Who is the person you trust the most?My closest friends probably. Although there are different kinds of trust, so it varies with what I’m trusting and who I go to etc.

Hutt River: What is the most memorable dream or nightmare you’ve had?I remember most of my dreams tbh, and for months too. Nightmares especially, but i wont share those bc theyre really horrific tbh. I had a dream a few months back that I died and went to heaven, that was nice. Like, it just felt so calm, I didnt want to wake up.

Hong Kong: Do you fear death?I dont so much fear death as fear excessive pain and suffering tbh. I’m okay with not knowing what, if anything, happens after we die.

Iceland: Do you hide your real personality? Why?Not reaaally 😂 when I’m with people I know and trust I can pretty much be myself. But different people bring out different parts of me.There is a small part I crush right down bc I hate it, but it might slowly be fading.

India: How important is family to you?Idk, I’ve never felt super close to a lot of my family. I just sort of seem to find my own family, and theyre hella important to me.

Japan: Tell us a secret about yourself.I dont have that many secrets????? At all??? And the ones I do have I don’t tell for a reason 😂 lets go with: i have 2 moles and a shoulder dimple that look like a blob fish.

Kenya: What is your favourite wild animal?I love so many of them?!?!?!?! I love capybaras but also elephants and also gorillas???

Korea: What is one thing you accomplished by yourself?Ah, I never do anything completely by myself 😂 Idk, managing to get to america on my own was pretty scary, but I did it.

Kugelmugel: Is there anyone you have a love hate relationship with?I mean according to my anxiety, everyone I love hates me 😂But erm, the only person who I can really think of is my old geography teacher. He was a legend and I loved him, but for sure he hated me.

Latvia: Do you believe you are brave?Eh, idk. I don’t think I’m a coward, but it would depend on the situation.

Ladonia: What is the internet site you visit most often?Tumblr. I cant deny it.

Liechtenstein: How do people underestimate you most often?I have no idea, they usually overestimate me, though I don’t pay much attention to peoples expectations 😂 I genuinly have no idea, maybe I should ask my friends or something

Lithuania: Do you desire power?My initial answer is no, I’m not that interested in being powerful on a large scale. But I guess there are different kinds of power? Like, it would be nice to have the power to change other peoples lives for the better. Or the power that comes with being in government, which has always been something I’ve been interested in.

Macau: What is your favourite festival or celebration?Halloween. Without a doubt.

Molossia: Do you consider yourself strong?I used to think I was strong, given some of the things I’ve been through. Now though I realise I just supressed all the emotions that came with them, which are all coming back, and honestly I’m a weak mess.

Monaco: Do you think you are a lucky person?No, not really. 😂 I mean, there might have been 100 times ive narrowly escaped death, but I wouldnt know it.

New Zealand: Would you rather be an elf, dwarf, hobbit or wizard?I’ve never seen lotr/the hobbit ngl so just based on what I know I’ll say wizard bc magic

North Italy: What is your least favourite part of your personality?All of it. Idk, jealousy. Awkwardness. Inability to make conversation. Just who I am as a person.

Norway: What was the most disappointing time in your life?Idk, Ive been disappointed a lot 😂 my dad let me down p bad once, though i dont really wanna share the deets

Netherlands: Most generous thing someone has ever done for you?My best friend bought me a necklace with “you are the light of my life” on it and I still can’t get over how cute that is 😄

Poland: Hardest thing you’ve been through?The thing that comes to mind was the longest and most stressful night of my life. I’d just broken up from school for summer that day and we had an estate agent coming to value the house the next day so we could move out of the Flood Zone. That evening it rained and rained and I ran around the village asking council people to help us but no one came so we stayed up till 2am pouring water from around the house into wheelie bins to try and stop it coming in. Then I had a breakdown in the bath and just remember feeling so trapped. I never want to go through that again.

Prussia: Would you prefer to live forever or die alone?Oooooh thats a tough one! Bc living forever would surely involve a lot of time alone. I think I’d hate it tbh, 80 years is enough for me 😂 but dying alone is like, my greatest fear tbh. So I’ll say live forever.

Roman Empire: How would you like to be remembered?Idk, just as a good person that maybe helped a few people out, I suppose. I mean, sure I’d love to find a cure for cancer and change the world etc but gotta be realistic

Romania: What is something you are very ashamed of?There are parts of my body I hate so much I’ve genuinly considered taking a knife to them myself. I also struggle to deal with the whole gender/sexuality thing, no matter how much people tell me its okay.

Russia: Have you ever suffered from low self esteem? Do you still?For sure, yeah. I really struggle to love myself in any way, it’s an alien concept to me and I’ve always been taught to keep my mouth shut about anything I actually do like.

Sealand: Who is your best friend?My bro @only-slightly-dangerous lmao

Seborga: What is your favourite beverage?I absolutely looove milkshakes (despite being lactose intollerant 🙄), especially oreo ones

Seychelles: How do you handle people being rude to you?Lmaooo I don’t 😂 if they say anything personal, I take it to heart. I might try to talk back but I’d just screw it up.

South Italy: What is your favourite part of your personality?Ummm, idk, I don’t really think about the words I could use to describe my personality? I guess I quite like my sense of humor. Idk.

Spain: What would you tell to the person or people you hurt most if you had a second chance?I don’t want to sound like,,, a twat,,, but I don’t really think I’ve ever really badly hurt someone (not knowingly or intentionally anyway). The only person I can think of is someone I cut off for being a bad friend… so I don’t really feel too bad about that.

Sweden: Are you a leader, follower or independent?Lmao all of the above, depending on the circumstances 😂 I don’t mind leading things and taking charge, Im quite good at being organised. But equally I don’t mind following other people if I agree with their plans. I also love being independent and doing things alone, bc it feels free and you don’t have to worry about anyone else.

Switzerland: Would you consider yourself evil, good or neutral?Good, I think. I try to be a good person. Sometimes my initial reaction or thoughts might not be good, but I always want to do the right thing.

Thailand: How good is your poker face?If I’m just pissing about, not great. I just laugh. But if I’m serious it’s pretty good, if I can say that 😂 I’m good at acting when I want to be.

Tibet: What do you value most?What?? As in a quality? Or objects?? Idk. People with good intentions, I’ll say that.

Taiwan: What do you think of the people or person who raised you?I have a lot of feelings towards them, not all of them good. I’d rather not talk/think about it rn though.

Turkey: Would you ever want children?Without a doubt, yeah. I’m not sure if I’d have my own or adopt, maybe both. I’m not that naturally maternal; I love kids but knowing how to talk/react to them doesnt come naturally. Im probs more of a dad 😂

Uganda: How would you like others to see you?I dont know???? Just as a kind and trustworthy person that genuinly cares and will always try my best to help when I can.

Ukraine: What is one thing that has made you stronger in life?I have no idea. I don’t feel like a very strong person at all. My life just feels like a long string of events I’ve had to cope with.

Vietnam: What is something you are proud of about yourself?I don’t really,,, feel pride 😂😂😂 like I honestly can’t think of a time I’ve felt like that. I guess I’m pleased I did well in my A levels? But even then I wouldnt say I’m proud.

Yemen: What kind of art do you like?Its hard to describe? I know it when I see it 😂 I’m not too bothered about portraits and paintings of dull landscapes, but equally some modern art is barely Art. I quite like paintings that are bright, or tell a story. I also like sculptures if theyre based on cool stuff like, the human body ooor dragons idk. Mosaics are p nice too

Zimbabwe: Who is your favourite character from any folklaw?I’m not sure I know many folklaws 😂 The person that comes to mind is rumplestiltskin, but I think thats only bc I love his chacter in Once Upon a Time